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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Plaid Pintucked Belted Dress

A woman wearing a green plaid belted dress and black pumps

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Are you rolling right from the office to a holiday party? Ann Taylor has you covered with this long-sleeved plaid dress. By day, wear this with a blazer, black tights and pearls for a preppy, business casual outfit. By night, you can drop the blazer and add a dangly earring and a jazzy shoe for a fun, festive look.

The dress is $149 full price at Ann Taylor and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL. Today you can take 30% off with code WINTER30.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
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  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

434 Comments

    1. I like it too. Wish I had it for my holiday party this week. But I think I just missed a 50% off sale and hate to pay more now.

  2. So fun: rehearsal for Xmas pageant is at 2pm. On a workday. My city is large enough for 3 top tier sports teams. Surely I’m not the only working mom? I do feel like it sometimes.

    1. Nativity has two showings – Thursday at 2pm, and Friday at 9:30. Luckily I’m in town, but I’m going to be the monster who sends her kid to aftercare for the afternoon rather than taking him home post-nativtiy.

    2. Working moms these days are expected to have driving nannies or SAH husbands. Can’t win.

      1. I have tried to get a PT driving nanny for kids for years and on the books help at any price was not going to happen. I blame COVID (local college kids were remote and didn’t return) but most people want FT jobs or to work off the books. You truly can’t win. I want to move to South Dakota so my kid can drive at 14 vs waiting until 16. Sort of (have family there). In the summer anyway.

      2. And then still get guilted about how ‘sad’ it is that you’re not able to be around more. You can’t win for trying and it’s even worse around the holidays. The clip of Christine Baranski in that Bad Mom’s Christmas movie saying ‘mom’s don’t ENJOY Christmas, moms MAKE joy at Christmas’ was prime ‘it’s funny because it’s true’ for me.

      1. Public schools in my city close 12/20 for the year. Joseph and Mary and the choir and musicians all are old enough to be in school.

        1. Wow! My nephews are only off the week between Christmas and NYE. My company is closed that week and my sister is a teach so she is also off.

          2. Wow, that’s such a short break! My sister is a teacher and her break starts at noon on 12/16!

          3. What do working parents do with their kids during this time if the parents have to work???? This is more reason why I’m going to be childfree. It sounds so tough!

          4. For the poster asking about what working parents do during breaks, Christmas is actually easier because there are so many days off. But we do the same thing that we do for the full week off at Thanksgiving, spring break, summer break and all the miscellaneous three days weekends and early dismissal days – we put together a patchwork of camps (I specially joined a country club because they have great camps that actually last ALL DAY instead of ending at 2:00 and members get priority), family (I moved back to the city my parents live because I was planning on children), switching days with other working moms, and taking days off.

            And I will be honest – I also took a huge step back professionally. I was that perpetual associate who never made partner because my billing was not great and my billing was not great because I was raising kiddo.

      2. Our kids are off the entire week before XMas, I assume it falls that week if this is not a school event.

    4. I’m not religious, but isn’t this pretty much expected from anything but the most progressive church?

      1. And I go to the most progressive church. UU May be more progressive but IDK that they do Xmas.

        1. This makes me love our UU church more. We just got email with sign up info for the pageant. Parts include ‘3 wise ones’. All are encouraged to be any kind of friendly beast that they want. There is one rehearsal that includes a potluck dinner from 5-7 pm on a Friday (at which store bought food will be totally welcome) and is only required for speaking parts.

          1. But you know what? 5-7 is a really bad time for young kids. No time is a winner for everyone.

      2. I’m Episcopalian (so quite progressive). Our rehearsals are after Sunday school on Sundays or in place of the children’s choir rehearsal on Wednesday nights. But also our pageant is on 12/18 so it’s before schools close.

      3. Another Episcopalian here. I don’t think most mainline Protestant denominations (Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist, Congregationalist, etc.) are openly anti-working-mom, and most of the more conservative ones have plenty of working mothers even if they get treated like crap (my cousin the Baptist vet goes to a megachurch and their tithe would be pretty slim without her contribution).

        FWIW, my church does a pageant that barely requires a rehearsal and usually very accommodating of working mothers.

        1. Part of this is me, but my Episcopal priest is about my age and if he said something to me along the lines of, “I truly believe Jesus wants you to stop working outside the home,” I’d probably laugh in his face and tell him that Jesus can pay my mortgage, I’ll send him the payment slips.

    5. Yea that seems silly. Shouldn’t it be right before or after church for everyone’s convenience? I give school events being during the work day a pass because obviously it’s the teachers’ work day too. But presumably the pageant is volunteer-run…

    6. So is school. It might be the only time they can have the space.

      My kids’ dance recital rehearsals are all right after school. It stinks but sometimes it happens. Everything can’t be nights and weekends (just like everything can’t be mid day!).

  3. I am very concerned about my good friend’s health and want to speak to her about it, but am so worried about making her sad or mad. We are in our mid to late 20s and I have known her since kindergarten. She got engaged 2 years ago to a wonderful guy however since then she has also gained a ton of weight to the point that she physically gets out of breath walking slowly for < 1 minute and cannot bend over when she drops something. When these instances occur she makes a joke about it but I am legitimately worried about her health, especially because she wants to become pregnant. She also makes comments about not being able to shop in person anymore because her size is not available. She had a tough time with COVID last year but thankfully pulled through.

    I know weight is a hot topic (especially for women) however this has been on my mind for the past 2 years and I really am concerned about the path she is on, health wise. How would you approach this?

    1. I would not approach this. She’s not stupid. She knows about her health and doesn’t need you to point it out to her.

        1. Of course she has noticed. I just don’t know if she knows the health risks associated with this, is all.

          2. Unless she is of barely functional intelligence, she knows. Say nothing. Be there to support her when she decides to do something about it.

          3. Yikes. Reading this and your other replies, I am changing my vote. I think you should absolutely say something and be as brutally honest and open as possible with your friend about all your thoughts on her weight and health. Then she can know what you really think of her and who you really are and choose her next steps accordingly.

          8. She knows. Believe me, someone in her life – maybe a relative, maybe her doctor, who knows – has pointed this out to her.

            My weight has gone up and it has gone down but I am eternally grateful my friends have never been anything but accepting of me, and never ever said one thing to me about my weight. They have been havens of acceptance in a world that is unbelievably cruel to overweight people. Please, keep your mouth shut. Your friend does not need your judgment disingenuously expressed as concern.

          10. I know it is going to be hard to undo decades of confusion but the fact that you think looking in the mirror and seeing a thin person equates to seeing a healthy person with superior knowledge about health and the effects of weight on health tells me that it is you who needs to be educated. Please don’t hand out your utterly uninformed “advice” to people.
            And yes, that your friend can’t walk much without getting out of breath (if that is even an accurate retelling) is a concern but you have shown you are not the one to address it.

      2. Completely agree. Not your battle. She knows. And if you raise it in the guise of “health” she will literally NEVER forget it.

        1. Agree. Somebody did this to me once more than 30 years ago and I am still mortified and heartbroken about it.

    2. Oof, what is your motivation for telling her? She already knows, she isn’t going to be like “this is totally new information, thanks for bringing it to my attention, I’ll do something immediately!” It will just make her feel bad. Kindly, unless she’s asking for advice or help, zip it.

      1. I dont want to make her feel bad. My motivation is that I don’t want to see her become ill, or worse, from a preventable disease caused by obesity. I would feel horrible if that happened and I didn’t say anything.

        1. I guess I’m baffled that even if that scenario did play out that you think there is something you could have said that would have changed it? There isn’t, and it will just make her feel worse.

        2. Smokers know they smoke. Cholesterol people know what they eat. Knowledge isn’t the problem. Your friend may be many things but she is likely neither blind nor stupid.

          1. Cholesterol is actually almost entirely impacted my genetics, not lifestyle or diet.

          3. Yeah my best friend’s dad had high cholesterol. He wasn’t overweight and when he was diagnosed he very scrupulously changed his diet to eat all the right foods and avoid the wrong one. His numbers didn’t budge until he started meds. Meanwhile my dad who is obese and basically lives on fatty, processed foods has never had high cholesterol. It’s just genetics.

          4. Thanks to folks for pointing this out – my dad is thin and has been mostly vegetarian for 40+ years (was an organic gardener and still eats tons of fruits and veggies) and still has high cholesterol; it’s entirely genetic for him. Statins are the only thing that work to bring his total cholesterol down.

        5. Say nothing. Repeat this to yourself: I will say nothing. She knows, and leave her alone. Be supportive of her and her life, and as I said: Say nothing.

        6. There’s no way that your friend has missed the message that obesity is a risk factor for many conditions. What makes you think you know more about this than she does? I wonder though if you have missed the message that obesity can be a symptom of many conditions and is not always itself preventable?

          You acknowledge she had a tough time with COVID. Have you never considered that maybe her cardiovascular health and metabolism isn’t what it used to be? The fact that you mention this is at all makes it seem as though you have thought about it, but your thinking about it seems skewed.

        7. Yea I wouldn’t say anything. I’d be tempted to suggest getting together to do a fun workout or activity but even then, she’d probably see through it.

          1. Your fat friends don’t need to you to suggest thinnly veiled fat-phobic activites for them.

        8. The thing is that you saying something is not going to magically change her mind. If anything, it will just be hurtful to her and it will affect your friendship. I get it. It’s tough to see a loved one dealing with health issues, but you cannot force someone to change.

        9. Just STOP. She already knows the heath risks. Maybe you friend need to stage an intervention with you about your lack of sensitivity.

    4. . Have you not read the threads on this before? Do you not live in our society? Do you think it has somehow escaped her attention that she is fat? Or that her weight is impacting her health?

      The only thing this will do is upset your friend and make it very clear to her even her best friend is focused on her weight.

      If she wanted to talk to you about her weight she would. Literally none of your justifications and explanations are anything new or special. Exact same answer as every other time this question gets asks. Keep your mouth shut.

    6. Do not – DO NOT – talk to her about her weight!

      She KNOWS everything you just said. She’s internally beating herself up and feeling like a failure, wishing she had the willpower to make a change. You telling her about it will only make her feel 10X worse & it won’t end well.

      And btw, couching this as “I’m just worried about her health!” is gross & a copout. Plenty of thin people have health issues but magically no one is ever concerned about them. Millions of fat women have babies every year – myself included. And being fat doesn’t mean that you’ll have pregnancy complications.

      If she wants to make a change, she’ll do it without you bringing it up.

      3. All you’ll be telling her is you don’t approve of her. If that’s what you want to convey, go for it, but it’s not going to make her lose weight, it’s just going to make her feel bad.

        1. Exactly! The only outcome that is guaranteed from a confrontation is that your friendship will suffer and she’ll feel sh*tty.

      4. I agree with the advice not to say anything. I agree she knows. But I don’t like the assumption that fat people are beating themselves up or feel like a failure or wish they just had more willpower. I am fat. I’m not beating myself up about it, I don’t feel like a failure, and I’m not wishing I had more willpower. I do know the medical risks behind being fat. I’ve lost weight before. And when I’m ready to lose weight, I’ll take steps to do so. FWIW, I don’t like anyone talking to me about my body ever. When I’ve lost weight in the past, I absolutely hated people saying how good I look or congratulating me on the weight loss. Please, please, please, complement women’s hair or clothing or shoes or purse or earrings or whatever is a day-to-day choice for them and say nothing about their bodies, no matter what they look like.

    7. I would not approach it at all. She knows, and she’s probably well aware of the health implications.

    8. Please don’t do this. She knows. I also want to plug Aubrey Gordon’s book which is amazing and enlightening on this point any many others about fatness and fat people.
      Also having gained 30 pounds since covid please understand that I absolutely know I’m fat and the “concerns” still hurt badly. Please just don’t bring this up.

      1. yeah, I was going to suggest that OP listen to the back catalog of Aubrey Gordon’s podcast Maintenance Phase, and get some perspective on fat phobia.

        1. Especially the defensive follow ups despite the universal adamant NOs. OP, we never agree like this.

    13. Do not say anything. I have a friend in a similar situation and she sometimes raises her health issues. When she does I really just play the good friend role and encourage her to see a doctor; she’s a mom of 2 toddlers so it’s easy for her not to prioritize yourself. Just be a good friend, that is all.

      1. I appreciate everyone’s comments, and don’t plan to bring this up with her. I will be a supportive friend if she mentions it first but that’s all.

        1. Great! I’m sure she’ll be good to manage this on her own, and grateful that you’ve stuck with her.

    14. I believe you have good intentions. You love your friend. You’re worried about her. If she was drinking too much, you would say something. This isn’t much different. Usually rapid physical changes mean something deeper is going on. In most friendships and circumstances, it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask. Maybe it’s ok here. I don’t know.

      1. What? How is this the same as drinking too much?

        Drinking too much not only affects the health of the drinker (in real tangible statistically proven ways) but also affects nearly every other aspect of their lives and can have negative consequences/impacts on the lives of others from a relationship perspective and potentially a safety perspective.

        How is that the same as someone maybe having elevated health risks? Plenty of thin people (myself included) have health issues that no one thinks is appropriate to comment on.

        1. It’s not the same, you are right. I shouldn’t have said it wasn’t much different.
          Drinking hurts other people. That makes it different. But there are similarities. Rapid physical changes can belie addiction issues. Or not. I really don’t know the situation. I don’t know why people are acting like it’s completely out of pocket to bring it up. Something big is going on with her friend. In some narrow circumstances, I think it’s ok to bring it up. In most situations, I agree that it is not. It’s not a black or white situation, and OP is not a mean, terrible, rude, selfish and fatphobic person for being worried about her friend.

          1. Hahahahaha! So you think telling people who drink too much will get them to stop? Cute.

          2. Huge difference btwn an alcoholic and a social drinker who veers into drinking too often or too much. I’ve been that person before and a friend pointing it out has led to me cutting back, so absolutely.

            On the flip side – I gained 20 lbs during the pandemic and I am now overweight. I’m trying to lose the weight but I hate when I mention I’m overweight and a friend is like omg you’re not. Like yes I am. I’m not saying it in a self loathing way I’m saying it in a matter of fact way because it is a fact.

          3. I don’t get the condescension. “Cute”? I was married to an alcoholic. It’s a progressive disease that survives on silence. Grow up.

      3. I agree. I don’t know about most of the commenters here and their friends but in my friend group (have known each other since elementary) we have come to Jesus conversations and interventions. I would express concern and ask what’s up and if my friend needs support weight-wise or otherwise. OP I don’t have specific advice or a scripting about how to approach this but don’t feel badly or crazy that you want to address it.

        1. Real question: Have you ever done this with somebody about weight? And if so, how did it go? What was the end result?

          2. A friend told me in a concerned tone that should I lose weight. I gained a lot from a medical condition she knew nothing about that required steroids. It was mortifying. I started avoiding that friend because I did not want to be reminded of it. The friendship just drifted away. I did eventually lose the weight.

          3. I have, of a friend I’ve had for thirty-plus years. She had weight loss surgery and was doing well and then had some setbacks. The end result was having an adult conversation about it. What did you expect?

            I guess it’s a know your friend type of thing. My girls, who admittedly are more like sisters, can pull me to the side and tell me about myself and vice versa.

          5. Senior Attorney – this isn’t a real question. You have a point you want to make, not curiosity

          6. Au contraire. I do have a point but if I do want to know how the conversation went down. If the friend actually responded positively I’d be super interested to hear the details and how PLB pulled it off.

          7. Oops that turned out garbled. Delete the “if” from the second sentence.

    15. I wouldn’t. She knows she is overweight. Most people know they are overweight and if it were easy to not be so, they would change that. There are literally a million reasons not to be overweight—some legitimate health and others painful culturally. Your voice in that truly means nothing but ostracizing her. Her making jokes is out of embarrassment. It’s already showing you acknowledgement. Don’t compound the pain.

    16. My good friends and I are potentially more open about health and other concerns with each other than what I gather from this board many other close friends are (frankly- I don’t get why- isn’t this the point of having close friends?).

      I’d imagine that there’s some sort of mental or physical health issue contributing to the weight gain. Is there any way you could support her on that front?

      I know it’s not a popular take but if my close friend in her 20s couldn’t walk for a minute without getting out of breath / can’t bend over to pick things up I’d be very concerned and would want to support her becoming healthier.

      I am not skinny and I have some weight to loose too but the way you describe her it doesn’t sound like she’s in a healthy place.

          1. If you do this without them asking you for help, take it from me: your attention to their problems is unwelcome and they likely are very resentful about it, even if they don’t say anything to you. Do not insert yourself into other people’s problems uninvited. Even if you are their “close friend.”

          2. Honest question. If you notice your friend is struggling (about anything, not just weight) do you not say anything until they do?

          3. “Honest question. If you notice your friend is struggling (about anything, not just weight) do you not say anything until they do?”

            If they appear to be struggling, I will say something like “It seems like something might be on your mind or something might be troubling you, is everything okay?” or ask another OPEN-ENDED question that allows THEM to highlight for me what they are struggling with, if anything. If they say everything is fine, then I say “okay, you know I am always here for you” and drop it. Because that is the empathetic thing to do. That puts them at the center of the concern, and not me.

            News flash: when you bring up other people’s problems to them, press them to talk about the problems you see in them (or the ones you want to talk about), or jump in to solve their problems, that is ego-driven behavior on your part. You’re doing that to make yourself feel good, not to help the other person. You could benefit hugely from reading Brene Brown on what real empathy is: it is not putting yourself at the center of a situation where you are the Great Benevolent Advice-Giver or a person’s savior, saving them from themselves.

          4. I’m not the Anon you’re responding to, but if a friend was struggling breathing, yes, I would say “Are you ok?” And then, if she said (which is sounds like OP’s friend does) some self-deprecating comment to the extent of “Yes, I can’t breathe because I’m fat.” I would probably respond along the lines of, “something else may be wrong that has nothing to do with your weight, maybe you could get that checked.” I wouldn’t say hey you’re fat, and not sure if you know, but that’s unhealthy.

          5. I agree with anon@12:41. Struggling to breathe after a minute of walking is its own health issue. It may be long Covid, it may be something else, but it’s probably not directly related to the weight. I’m fat, and I can walk several miles at least, and I’d probably have knee or other joint issues before I was out of breath.

      2. But are you open about health in that you freely bring up your own issues and then brainstorm with each other about them? Or you will unprompted point out your friend’s issues that she has never brought up to you? There is a big difference between the two.

      3. Saying, “You’re fat and I’m worried about your health” is so different from the kinds of health advice my friends share. We of course are concerned about each other and supportive. We’d encourage each other to go to the doctor for things that might not be obvious— a mole the friend can’t see that looks weird, or when she complains about one leg being slightly swollen, etc. And if my friend said she was trying to lose weight because of a problem, I’d obviously be very very supportive.

        But the friend knows about her weight and knows about potential health issues with that. She lives in our society, too.

        Also, OP, one thing I get from this post is that you might feel like you can control another person’s actions or feelings. I say this only because I’ve been there myself. My mother had severe congestive heart failure and was supposed to be on a low sodium diet. Sometimes she would eat a bag of potato chips and land in the hospital. Through that experience, I had to learn that no matter how concerned I am and no matter how much I love someone, I can’t control their behavior. Even if it might take them from me. All you can do is be supportive, and in this case, that doesn’t include bringing up her weight unless she asks for help specifically.

      4. I get what you are saying; of course everyone wants to help the people they love. BUT saying something to the friend in this scenario is not going to be helpful. Intent isn’t magic; just because OP intends her words to be helpful doesn’t mean they will be helpful.

      5. Yeah, this is where I come down on the issue too. My concern would not be that she’s going to get diabetes or have a heart attack next week; my concern would be that there is some unaddressed health issue (PCOS, thyroid disorder, benign brain tumor, etc.) that has caused the weight gain and subsequent lack of fitness. Or that there’s some kind of abuse dynamic going on in her relationship with the fiancé that has led to overeating/binge eating/whatever. The inability to walk for more than a minute without being out of breath would be extremely concerning to me.

        I would want to probe whether she’s talked to her doctor about her weight gain and whether the doctor has ordered any tests or suggested possible causes or solutions. We all have heard the stories (or experienced ourselves) of larger-bodied people being told that their health issues would all go away if they just lose weight, when the reality is that some health issues cause the weight gain in the first place. If this is how she’s been treated and doesn’t know what to do, perhaps she would welcome an advocate to insist on bloodwork, referral to a dietitian, or referral to mental health or relationship counseling. If she does have a diagnosis or is otherwise getting the medical attention she needs, she may appreciate a sympathetic ear and support from her friend.

        I’m curious whether everyone’s response would be different if OP left out the part about her friend gaining weight and just said that she wasn’t able to walk without getting out of breath and can’t bend over to pick something up. Would she still be jumped on for being concerned about her friend’s health?

        1. “I would want to probe whether she’s talked to her doctor about her weight gain and whether the doctor has ordered any tests or suggested possible causes or solutions.”

          It’s not your role to “probe” about your friends’ health issues. If they ask for input or relay frustration, you can make suggestions. Do not “probe” your friends, my God.

          “I’m curious whether everyone’s response would be different if OP left out the part about her friend gaining weight and just said that she wasn’t able to walk without getting out of breath and can’t bend over to pick something up. Would she still be jumped on for being concerned about her friend’s health?”

          This happens in every single discussion here about weight: some of y’all are extremely fatphobic and just cannot contain your joy at having an open, anonymous space to express it. Because you know how unjustified and distasteful your beliefs are. It’s just like the people who post swastikas or racist imagery on Twitter anonymously – you wouldn’t do it if you thought you could get caught out. It’s really gross. It makes me sad, and it makes me feel sorry for you. For the uninformed, fatphobia directed at others is really just outwardly expressed self-hatred and anxiety. If you are genuinely okay with yourself, you do not care what other people do or what they look like. Fatphobia is a you problem, not an other-people problem. And masking fatphobia with “concern” about “health” is not only disingenuous, it’s totally obvious. The game is up on that one, folks.

          Do some work on yourself, including asking yourself the question “why do I feel other people’s health is my business, if they have not asked me for help and advice?” Really contemplate all possible answers to that question. And then do the emotional work on yourself to get past this issue.

          1. Ummm there is a load of difference btwn someone posting something fatphobic vs posting swastikas…

          2. “Ummm there is a load of difference btwn someone posting something fatphobic vs posting swastikas…”

            Keep telling yourself that. The bottom line is fatphobia is hating on someone for how they look. It has nothing to do with health, or public health spending or any of that. The appearance of a fat person stokes deep fears within fatphobic people related to their own self-perception and sense of self-worth. The same thing happens when racist people see a successful Black person and feel deeply insecure about their own abilities and accomplishments.

          3. fair enough but a swastika is a nazi symbol, and nazis exterminated 12million in concentration camps, including 6million jews. not saying fatphobia is ok by any means, but please let’s not reference swastikas when discussing harm to a group that falls short of genocide. as a jew i feel erased by that comparison. i cant speak to how a black person would feel but no one has ever been enslaved for being fat, and police dont randomly shoot fat people afaik, so there is a fear element here that is missing. again, NOT SAYING FATPHOBIA IS OK, and fatness can also intersect with other identities, privileged or not, but there is nuance to harms experienced by certain groups and erasing those nuances to prove your point is harmful in its own way.

          4. +1 to could not let this one go. Also Jewish and also super offended by the comparison to Nazis. Fatphobia is not ok but it’s not Naziism. Good grief.

      6. My friends and I definitely share notes on finding good doctors or how to respond when a doctor is totally dismissive or unhelpful, or what kind of doctor to see.

        And I guess we commiserate or provide morale support over having to handle annoying things like recommended screenings.

        Those things all seem okay to me, but they also don’t feel like, I don’t know, interventions?

      7. Why do you think something bad is necessarily going on? A lot of people gain weight when they get in a good relationship because they are having fun with their significant other, going out to eat a lot, etc. OP said her friend started gaining weight when she got engaged 2 years ago. It’s a common enough scenario that it’s at least as likely as something negative (depression, hormone issues) causing it. I gained about 20lbs during covid because my husband and I got into making cocktails at home and buying fun foods to bring some joy to our lives. I then got pregnant and gained another 30 lbs. It’s not that deep, it’s not that important. I’ll lose the weight or I won’t. Thank god my friends have been nothing but nice about it and made it a complete non-issue.

    17. I differ from the group here. You’re talking about a what, 100 pound weight gain? That isn’t a whoops, that isn’t insubstantial, that isn’t “most Americans could stand to lose 40 pounds.”

      Serious question: is this fiance actually so wonderful, or does he look wonderful on the outside but is making her miserable? (I dropped ten pounds in the four months that I dated a “wonderful” man who was actually a controlling POS – but I am a stress starver, not a stress eater.) Does she have deep seated emotional issues surrounding emotional or physical intimacy, marriage, or motherhood?

      Do not ask her these things. Ask yourself if she’s under a tremendous amount of stress. If so address that with her. If not, STFU.

      1. That’s why I brought up the health issues point. This doesn’t sound like the “oh I ate more pizza and walked less than normal during the pandemic” 20 lb weight gain that I’m guilty of. It sounds like an issue caused by or related to a potential physical or mental health problem (to include lots of stress) and to thus check in with her / offer to support her on her overall health – but nothing weight specific.

      2. I do agree with this. My sister has gained 100lbs in a year. She’s got a lot of issues.

        She blames the weight on meds; it’s not all her meds. It’s her meds and her lack of activity and her compulsive eating (which may have to do with the meds but she’s sorta always been like that). I have not said one word about her weight.

        1. It’s great that you didn’t say anything. I would add that you don’t know what would happen if she were more active (she might be healthier because activity is healthy, but she may not lose a single pound).

          As a PSA, “compulsive eating” can be a symptom of poor blood glucose regulation. If blood glucose is tanking, the recommended medical treatment is “eating food.”

          1. Please don’t conflate the emergent reaction of quickly getting food into someone whose blood glucose is bottoming out with appropriate long term medical treatment for the underlying cause of the issue.

          2. Even if she doesn’t lose weight it’s infinitely healthier to be active than sedentary, no?

          3. If your blood glucose is tanking on a daily basis, the recommended medical treatment is not compulsive eating…..

          4. I didn’t mean to conflate treating low blood sugar with treating its underlying cause. My point is that compulsive eating can be a symptom of an underlying condition, that it’s not actually safe to resist eating for weight reasons if this is what’s happening, and that eating as needed can lead to substantial weight gain.

            I’ve been living with reactive hypoglycemia my entire adult life, and it’s my experience that society doesn’t understand it well. I’ve been judged for eating to address a hypo (before I had glucose tablets to carry me with). And I’ve been judged for having an eating disorder because of the way my doctors have me eat to prevent the blood sugar drops.

            People just really need to assume less about other people’s bodies!

      3. Whether the weight gain is substantial or not is still none of OP’s business. It doesn’t change the situation for the friend. (Frankly, it’s more likely that she is eating her meals with a male now, so equal portions get tricky, she probably has less time to cook, and she doesn’t feel societal pressure to be slim to attract a spouse anymore.) Eating popcorn and a piece of fruit for dinner works when you’re solo. Not so great when it’s eating as a couple. I’m honestly wondering if OP is jealous of her friend’s new happiness and this is the way to take her down a peg. Because telling someone they are fat when you’re not their doctor really makes so little sense otherwise.

        1. Her friend cannot walk for more than a minute and you think the only explanation for the OP is that she’s jealous??? LOL.

          1. OP said the friend has acknowledged the situation (she has made self-deprecating jokes). Why someone would then want to bring it up again sure doesn’t sound like it comes from a place of friendship. You usually don’t go out of your way to point out someone’s weaknesses unasked without some motive conscious or otherwise, whether it’s your own self-esteem challenges, need to exert power, or other place of hurt. So, yes, I think jealousy could be a factor. Or maybe something else. But it’s interesting she thought getting married to a wonderful guy was a salient detail to include.

          3. Agree this is a really far-fetched take on the situation!
            Her friend can barely walk and cannot bend down. OP is right to be concerned.

    18. Many many very heavy and obese people routinely exercise, including things like running and cycling and weight lifting and yoga and so on. You are equating her not being able to walk or bend over with her weight – that’s incredibly offensive and it’s factually inaccurate (unless she is literally over 600 lbs which from your description I really doubt). I agree with you that it’s a problem if someone can’t walk a few steps without being out of breath. And I would be concerned regardless of the friend’s size. Her weight is not the cause, it’s a symptom, and if you can’t see that then you are so not the person to talk to her about this.

      1. The two people I know who have been the most visibly out of breath after COVID were both very physically fit and active before (literally both of them were employed in fitness coaching). And yeah one of them gained weight while unable to exercise, since going from intense daily exercise to “out of breath when taking the stair” is a big lifestyle change.

        I’m not saying this is what happened to the OP’s friend, and I do get that rapid weight gain can be hard on the body. But it’s not like people gain weight just because they never got the PSA that it could be inadvisable healthwise.

      2. Can we not with the “obese people are actually super healthy” routine? The OP was talking about someone who got winded walking down the block.

        Reality is, while some exceptions to the rule exist, most very obese people are in terrible shape. Their weight actually makes it hard to be fit, because their joints ache, the impact of running or other activities is greatly increased, and the chafing from movement can be pretty epic. The weight is a strain on their cardiovascular system because it is already hard enough for the same-size lungs and heart to oxygenate a much larger body than they were designed for.

        2. There is no need to bring weight into the discussion. Address the actual problems.

        3. This isn’t the “obese people are actually super healthy” routine. It’s factually true that many obese people do not get winded walking down the block, so her inability to do so is concerning above and beyond concerns about weight!

          I think the assumption that she gets winded walking down the block because of obesity is a dangerous one. What if something beyond “size” is wrong with her lungs or her heart, or what if she’s anemic? I’m not saying that weight loss couldn’t help (though it’s not always a given? think of the obesity paradox in heart failure patients). But it may not even be safe to attempt to lose weight (say by increasing activity or changing diet) without a workup, so it’s just unhelpful in multiple ways to focus the concern on weight.

          1. Yes, this. I started getting winded like this around 29 years old. Turns out my childhood asthma had come back with a vengeance. My asthma specialist says it’s pretty common in women around 30ish to have asthma symptoms worsen or reappear after not having them for years. I was 50lbs lighter at the time. I wonder if this happened today if my diagnosis would have been missed and my weight would have been blamed.

            If OP is actually concerned about friend’s breathing, then she might consider asking if she’s talked to her doctor about shortness of breath. Obviously, OP should not assume, based on nothing but appearances, that this is caused by being overweight. Doctors discriminate enough like this, we don’t need friends doing it too.

        5. Sure. But do you also go around to people who don’t appear to be overweight and badger them about their health/fitness?

          There’s for sure correlation but why not focus on the actual issue instead of a different one that’s correlated with the actual problem.

        6. It’s not “obese people are super healthy.” Obese people can usually walk a minute without getting winded. I am obese (I “should” lose about 1/3 of my body weight), and I’m not going to pretend that I’m in shape or super healthy. I am sure that I cannot run a mile. But I can brisk-walk a few miles around my neighborhood, hike a few miles with a few hundred feet in elevation change, get 15,000 steps in deep-cleaning my house, and spend a day at the Magic Kingdom. And yes, as you describe, any issues are far more likely going to be with joints or chafing, not cardiovascular. Oh, I can bend down too.

          If OP’s friend can’t walk more than a minute without getting winded, there’s probably an underlying problem. That problem may or may not be causing the weight gain. But it probably isn’t the result of obesity.

    19. Do not say this. She is not dumb. What she needs is a loving friend who is ready to support her when she chooses to take some action. For example, If she decides to start trying to go for a walk every day, offer to meet her and keep her company if she wants that. During which you will behave as a normal fun friend, not her health nag.

    20. I’m about 25 years older than you and your friend. I’m 5’3” and 240 pounds. The last three years have not been kind.

      Your friend already knows that the world disapproves of her body. She has has heard that she is going to die from a heart attack at any moment. Every health issue she has ever faced has been blamed on her weight. She has already been shamed for her body by existing.

      Nothing you say about her body or health will be news to her. It will only confirm to her that she has no value because of her size. It will also verify for her that you aren’t a safe person for her.

    22. You can’t tell how healthy someone is by looking at them, and I am sure she already knows a lot more about her own health than you do. I can’t imagine what you would accomplish here other than expressing your (unfounded) judgements openly.

    24. If I were in your friend’s shoes and you said this to me, it would probably send me hiding into a pit of depression in which I would gain more weight.

    25. She knows she gained weight. She knows she’s out of breath. She does not need you to point it out. What do you hope to accomplish by this?

      People, no one needs you to tell them they’re fat. There is no way it has escaped anyone’s notice.

    26. I think there’s so much pushback because weight is a sensitive subject.

      The only reason Im in therapy and on anti anxiety meds is because multiple friends expressed concern and told me to seek help. My anxiety isn’t even severe and is not very noticeable but they still noticed and told mr to get help.

      If a friend had a persistent cough or weird rash or a bum knee we’d tell them to get it checked out.

      I do think this is either a health issue or is indicative of some other issue in her life (like extreme stress mentioned above). Obviously plenty of skinny people are unhealthy and plenty of fat people are healthy but if someone can’t walk for a minute without getting out of breath, that’s unhealthy.

      1. Yeah. Unfortunately the OP said “I am worried about her fatness being unhealthy” vs “I am worried that a health problem is causing her to gain weight and might present other risks to her well-being.” And that alone tells me the OP is not a person who should ever have a conversation about weight with anyone other than her own health providers.

      2. Unless your friend asked about what to do with that weird rash or acne or whatever, it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS to tell her it exists.

      3. OP did not propose telling her friend to see a doc about her breathing problem. She proposed lecturing her fat friend (whose recent fatness has now revealed her ignorance) about the health problems that she now has because she is fat based on OP’s own wealth of knowledge on the subject as evidenced by OP not having a weight issue. F all that.

        1. This! Responses would have been very different if the question was hey I have a friend who recently had been getting super winded easily. Is there a good way to ask her if she’s spoken to a doctor about this? I’m worried about her sudden shortness of breath especially with all the respiratory illnesses floating around

    27. Butt out. She knows she’s fat. She doesn’t need you to tell her your “concerned”.

    28. My skinny coworker gets winded climbing the stairs at work. Please don’t bring this up to your friend.

        1. Right. But as a skinny person, that woman doesn’t need to be educated about her health. And the cause could be a lot of things The fat friend obviously needs to have it explained to her that her breathlessness comes from her fatness because if she knew anything about health and fitness at all she would have never gotten fat. The superior knowledge is what keeps y’all light. Duh.

    29. “she got engaged 2 years ago to a wonerful guy and since then” — yeah that’s happy nesting weight. i easily gained 25 lbs after i got engaged and married because instead of eating lean cuisine with a diet coke for dinner (or diet-friendly stuff through Seamless at the office) i was cooking for him and we’d also drink a bottle of wine with dinner every night.

      especiallly if she has a wedding dress in her future she is likely already stressed the F out about this.

    30. Obviously an unpopular opinion , but how does someone let themselves get to a point where they can’t walk for a minute without becoming breathless and can’t bend over?

      1. They do so in whatever way they did, which is still none of your f*cking business. That’s how.

      2. The breathlessness is probably not because of the weight gain. The weight gain may or may not be caused my the respiratory issues.

      3. They don’t. Something more is going on than just “letting it get to this point.”

  4. PSA to anyone looking for suits: Indochino does women’s suiting now, in both Canada and the US! Same fabrics as the men’s, they’re only available at a couple stores, but just got a few for 2023 and am very happy with them for the price point. You can do a pant, skirt, or jacket (pants are quite customizable in leg width, rise, and crop although the skirt is a pencil skirt).

  5. How early in the interview process do you bring up your hope that the company will be flexible with location? I’m have an introductory zoom interview for a role with a large, global company, but the role is advertised as in New York. I’m in DC and I know that they have an office here and I’m hoping to stay here, but I don’t want to turn them off by handling this tactlessly.

    1. It depends on if it is a deal breaker for you. If it is, I would probably bring it up towards the end of the introductory call if the rest of it is sounding like you want to continue. If its more a I’d like it but would still take the job if it requires a move, I would probably wait and discuss it once there is an offer or one is imminent.

    2. Unless it is a very senior role where they are wooing you and the location is a negotiation point, I would bring up very early to make sure are not wasting anyone’s time on a pipe dream. I would ask in the initial interview whether they are in the office full time, have a hybrid schedule, do people work from other office locations, etc.

      We have a lot junior- and mid-level employees who apply for openings advertised clearly as in person only with no hybrid or WFH options. Many make it through several rounds of interviews, during which we have emphasized repeatedly up front and at each stage that the role is indeed in person only in the office building they interviewed in. That is not flexible and when they wait until the last minute to say they are moving across the country or actually they live in France and were only here to visit family so they only want remote work can’t we make an exception because they are great candidates otherwise, it burns bridges.

      1. +1. Chances are the company will also bring it up early on as you do not currently live in the city with the opening and the discussion will happen naturally.

    3. When they bring it up in conversation or you are negotiating an offer. Otherwise, if it is a determining factor in whether you will take the time to go to the next round of interviews.

    4. If you’re 100% unwilling to move, you should say something before the first interview. Some roles are geographically limited for tax or other reasons, and you would be wasting everyone’s time to go through the interview process. If you would consider relocating for the job but simply prefer not to, wait til after you get the offer.

    5. First conversation, early. Don’t waste time. If you’re not willing to move it’s infuriating to have you proceed through the process as if you are. Jobs are listed in locations for a reason. You can absolutely talk about it, but if you applied where you don’t plan to move, then be up front.

  6. I have been dating a man for over a year and we both have teenage sons. We decided that this year it would be nice for each of us to get the other’s holiday presents. Something in the$50-$100 range. My own teenagers are not being helpful and now i don’t know what to get his senior in high school boy (not sporty, sort of tech oriented). Something that can be returned and he can buy something he really wants— suggestions? had planned to get him a nice hoodie but the ones my kids would want and consider a present are all more than i wanted to spend…

    1. can’t you each provide a few suggestions to the other on what your kid would want?

    3. Does he know where he’s going to college yet? If so – some apparel for that school?

        1. I got those for my much younger brother at that age and he greatly appreciated both. So maybe tone down your attitude?

          3. WTF is wrong with you?

            Oh, wait, I know. You stereotype every male as being an immature man-child and are genuinely confused by the existence of a young man who actually enjoys coming into adulthood.

          5. Do any of you know actual men?

            My husband wears ties to formal events. Despite being in a business casual field, those do crop up from time to time (receptions, weddings, conferences, symphony), and having appropriate attire is not really optional.

            Young man often need ties for the occasional athletic dinner at end of season, college interview, job interview, family wedding, or dinner at the country club (if his family is into that). Their choices are often a school tie, a borrowed tie, or something bland and polyester from TJ Maxx. Get him a silk tie in an appropriate pattern for someone who isn’t 40 (Vineyard Vines is great for this). It is not something he will wear a lot, but he will appreciate it when he needs it.

          6. I didn’t say men don’t need ties on occasion. But it’s a boring gift, esp for a teenager.

          7. I have never met a teenage boy that would appreciate either of these things. I think your brother was being polite.

    5. What does BF say? Is there a game kid has been wanting? Or some in game purchase somethingorother?

      Maybe a nice pen or padfolio for job/college interviews? That’s more of an “old people” gift so I guess it’s up to you to decide if you want to be young cool step mom or old person step mom (personally I’ve been an old person since I was 12 so I say that with no snark, I would’ve loved pretty pens or stationery at that age).

    6. Ask the kids? I do this with my nieces and am always surprised by what they want. It’s never what their mom told me, and she’s always surprised when I clue her in.

    7. What about a wireless charging stand if he has a wireless charging phone? Ask his dad for help! Getting gifts for people can be really hard! Just get your kids a hoodie under $100 and they should be grateful not bratty about it.

      1. I wouldn’t just get your own kids a cheap hoodie, they’ll see the effort you’re putting into BFs kids. I’d ask your own kids for items with a budget and make them be helpful. It’s a lot to ask kids to be “grateful” for something they don’t want at a time of year when gifting takes center stage.

    9. I like consumable gifts for everyone. I’d ask the dad where he likes to go in terms of food and get him a giftcard there: chipotle, starbucks, etc.

  7. Ugh, it’s the time of year when the winter pallor is setting in. Even with a full face of makeup, I look so washed out. I’m sure it doesn’t help that some of my best colors are hard to find in winter fabrics. Everything is too bright, or too warm, or black. What can I do to look more human? I think lip color helps me more than anything. I have low-contrast coloring and fit most closely with the soft summer palette. I don’t like how my skin looks with bronzer unless I have a tan already.

      1. Ha! I’ll add working out, or drinking red wine (and if I do both in the same day I’m a mess, ugh).

      3. OP here, and hahaha, boy do I relate. If flares didn’t come with the stupid bumps, too, that might be a plan!

        1. Same. I posted recently about my first time ever pustular rosacea flare after decades of flushing only. I cannot think of anything less fun and cute than a pizza face!!

          I guess the upside is that I’ve really improved my makeup and concealer skills.

    3. Get thee to a Sephora, ask for help, and buy whatever looks good. This is my number one makeup tip!

      I use Revlon Colorstay lip color every day now. Lasts all day despite my heavy eating and drinking. Makes me look brighter. Concealer is also vital for me this time of year.

    4. I am very pale, and around now I start using Clarins self tanner drops. You add a few to your moisturizer and it adds a bit of color. Or you can use self tanner if you can find one for the face that you like.

    5. Have you tried liquid blush? I find it has more staying power. I like the one from NARS. I also like the NARS Afterglow lip balm in Or-ga-sm (no dashes) and/or the Dior Addict lip glow balm in 01 pink for a nice subtle lip hue. The lip oil from Haus Labs is also great.

    6. I am very fair-skinned and recently started subtly dusting blush across my nose like all the beauty influencer do and have to say it makes me look like I spent the day in the sun. I thought it would look silly and juvenile but I’m into it!

    7. How about trying some highlights or subtle change of hair color? Since covid I stopped coloring my hair because I realized I don’t care quite enough to spend the time and money. But my face does look more lively with a higher contrast color to my skin tone, so I’ll occasionally do a semi-permanent color for fun or special occasions.

    8. Have you considered adjusting your hair color during the winter? The right highlights make a huge difference in how awake I look. You may need to reapply blush throughout the day if your skin “absorbs” it. If you can’t find tops in your best colors maybe there are silk scarves that complement your skin tone.

    9. I’m a soft summer and I wear my summer colors into winter! They’re out there – you can find them. Lots of pretty sweaters in plum, all shades of blue, and pink if you’re into pink. I’ve very carefully amassed a collection of jackets in “my colors” (I particularly love knit jackets like the Talbots merino wool sweater jackets) and I wear charcoal or navy as my base color.

      No one has to wear black in winter if they don’t want to!

      Also, a little extra blush never hurt anyone. :)

    11. This is what scarves really is perfect for, or a cashmere wrap.

      For winter fabrics:
      Uniqlo always have some soft, cool colors like soft lilac, if that is one of your colors. Look at their merino crew neck.
      Marks & Spencer, too, they always have some soft mauve, soft lilac, soft blues, powder pink, linen grey in the winter range, and pale pastel winter coats.

  8. Part rant / part question.

    Rant: the school runs an open line of credit for kids – you type in your ID number to buy lunch and then the school bills the parents. (We pack a lunch every day because we don’t want to pay for school lunch. Kiddo can pay for it if he wants it. You may think we’re cheapskate curmudgeons and you would be right.)

    Question: How do you teach your kid this is real money? We have kid pay for the lunches but there’s too much delay between the eating of the lunch and the paying of the money. Also, he threw out the cash we sent so we started paying online and having him give us the cash.

    1. What? Just put some money on the books for your child to buy lunch! I guess I don’t think of buying a hot school lunch as a luxury? Your child is there to learn and if a hot lunch makes his day better let him have it. Not trying to be mean, but I honestly think it is horrible to make your own child pay of a hot school lunch.

      1. Same. I posted below asking if this is an actual financial issue. If it’s not, then obviously just let your kid have a hot lunch at school.

      3. Even if it’s not a financial burden, it’s still a lot of money. Let’s say it’s $10/day for lunch – that’s $200/month per kid (unknown if there are other kids in this family). It adds up!

        I agree that I prefer a hot lunch but you can pack dinner leftovers or something else hearty and heat it up at school.

        1. Whoa a $10 lunch at school? Is that the going rate in other parts of the country? My son’s school lunch here is around $2 (city with 3-4 pro sports teams)

          2. Our lunch in PNW is $6.50 which includes main and side of fruit, extra if you want to get add-ons like strawberry milk etc.

        3. There are healthy ways to teach kids about the value of money, budgets, the importance of hard work, etc. This isn’t one of them. Just as we now know that telling kids to clean their plate before they leave the table reinforces unhealthy thinking about food at a young age, so does telling a kid that they can’t eat something reasonable because it’s too expensive. Schools are often uncomfortable, poorly ventilated, and strictly scheduled places to begin with. Are you really going to begrudge your own kid the one chance they have a day to have something warm and comforting?

        4. Ah – they were like $10+ at my high school over 10 years ago (which is why we had to brown bag it). I’m also the poster with a microwave in the cafeteria so I guess my school’s lunch options were not normal!

          1. It’s not a set price at my kids’ school. Entrees range from $5-$7.50 + sides, fruit, drinks.

    3. Why are you funding this line of credit? How is he getting money? He can bring his own cash to school if he wants to buy lunch. And if he throws his own cash away he can eat what you packed or go hungry.

    4. He literally threw away cash?

      Why don’t you want him buying school lunch? How old is he? Does it have an actual impact on your finances or is this a way to control his actions? If the latter, that’s why he’s “rebelling” by buying things on credit for lunch.

      1. I doubt he threw it away, he probably bought snacks from a friend or some such transaction.

    6. The lunch account system should at the very least allow you to limit your child’s purchases to the official lunch and disallow a la carte purchases.

      Buying the actual official lunch is cheaper than packing a lunch anyway. It costs me at least $5 to pack even a lame lunch these days.

      1. We didn’t know why our son’s account was always low. He was buying double chicken patties on chicken patty day.

    7. If I’m understanding correctly – you provide lunch for your kid but if he chooses to eat the school lunch, he has to pay for it. The school’s system bills you and then you request that he reimburse you?
      How old is he?

    8. This was my parents rule too. We always had plenty of food (and plenty of options) around for packing lunches but if we wanted to buy lunch we had to pay for it ourselves. I remember fights about it in high school, for sure. But, packing a lunch was totally fine and what we did most of the time.

      I don’t like sandwiches, so I always had a hot lunch which I would heat up on the cafeteria microwave.

      I think this is a totally fine approach, just make sure you’re asking your kid what he wants for lunch and buying and stocking those things at home

        1. We had access to a microwave in elementary, middle, and high school cafeterias. I didn’t realize this wasn’t standard?

          1. This is not standard. Too many liability issues and too short a lunch period these days.

          2. Definitely didn’t have access to a microwave in any school cafeteria prior to college.

    9. I support your decision to let kid pay for his own lunch if he wants it at school. Learning to pack a lunch is part of learning to feed yourself. Buying lunch everyday at school is akin to buying lunch every day at work, which is a luxury. If he wants that luxury, great! But he can pay for it. Otherwise, he can eat what he makes at home.

      I was talking to a 14 year old girl last weekend. She was sitting at the bar along the kitchen counter. She said she was hungry but didn’t have any money. I mentioned she was sitting at a kitchen counter and could just go into the refrigerator or pantry and make a meal. She told me she prefers to go out for meals, and going out for most meals is consistent with how her parents prefer to eat. I think she is missing a life skill of feeding herself when one doesn’t have the funds to go out for each meal. By letting your son pay for the lunch upgrade, I think you’re helping him gain this life skill.

    10. If this is a social thing, where your kid wants school lunch because his friends eat school lunch, you need to give a little.

      Describing yourselves as cheapskate curmudgeons isn’t as cute as you seem to think it is.

      1. Agreed. Describing yourself this way isn’t cute when it has a real life impact on your child. It’s like the financial equivalent of Tik Tok’s “almond mom”.

      2. +1 re being a cheapskate.

        I’m missing something cultural on this board where thrift is glorified for the sake of it. Call me crazy but I feel like feeding and clothing my kids is the bare minimum. A cafeteria lunch is not a luxury in my world and I’d worry about the scarcity mindset that portraying it as such would convey, especially weird food issues like it’s not worth it for you to eat a nice lunch. Grown ups can scrimp and save on food. Kids with growing bodies need to listen to their bodies not their wallets.

        Anyway, why wouldn’t say, offering the kid the difference between the amount spent at the end of the month say 200 bucks minus 10 bucks for whatever days he packed lunch get your message across?

      3. I wondered how much school lunch costs these days (kiddo is a toddler). My local school district charges a whopping $3 for lunch.

        Have him pack snacks, which are actually expensive to buy out, and let him get the school lunch. You’re spending what, an extra $0.50 a day over the cost of a packed lunch?

        1. School lunch is cheaper than packing lunch. I can’t pack even the most basic lunch for less than $5 or so.

    11. This is a tangent, but what is the obsession with “a hot lunch”? I hear it a lot but it is not a concept or value I ever heard growing up. Is it some kind of middle class marker that gets ingrained?

      2. I think it’s a cultural thing. I’m a WASP and a sandwich and chips is an acceptable lunch in my family of origin. My kids had a Russian babysitter who would make pasta and warm up leftovers/meat for every time she fed them lunch, even in the summer.

    12. Can you have them pay you the money upfront? Like $10 at the beginning of the month and when it runs low, ask them for more money.
      Our system has us put money in up front and my child know that I only put enough money in her account for one school lunch a week. I tell her when it’s getting low and she can either give me money from her own allowance, or choose to pack her lunch until the start of the next month.

    13. The open line of credit can be problematic. When my kids were in school we had to fund the account up front or pay cash. If the there was no cash in the account and the kid didn’t have any cash on hand, they were welcome to have a bagel with cream cheese or PBJ, which some kids at every day anyway. No one went hungry for lack of funds.

      Lunches add up, especially if you have 3 kids and lunch is $8+-. $24/day, $120/week, $480/month. For lunch. We added one lunch into the kids weekly allowance. Most weeks they kept the $ and brought lunch every day.

      1. How is school lunch $8? Is this private school? I have never heard of a public school where lunch is more than $3.25.

  9. Who else is trying to limp across the December finish line? I can’t get motivated to wrap gifts, finish shopping, make cookies, do my cards, any of it. I think I’d enjoy it once I got started but I’m just so flipping TIRED. Fall is a sprint for our whole family. By the time December rolls around, I don’t have much left in the tank. At least I’m making a sport out of parking myself on the couch and watching holiday movies and shows?

    2. Not quite the same, but we’ve had four straight months of GO GO GO, and now there is nothing left for me to do and two weeks of Butt In Seat to get through…I just wanna go home and snuggle my dog in front of the tree.

      (All my PTO is booked for the week between Christmas and New Year’s or something in the new year itself, so I can’t do that.)

    3. *raises hand* Yep, that’s me as well. We went on a big vacation over Thanksgiving break and I was so busy getting work and home stuff ready before we left and now I’m just done. I WFH and I’m ashamed to admit I was still in my PJs at four in the afternoon yesterday. But today I got dressed in real clothes! So I’m counting small victories.

    4. Me. I just realized I have no motivation to get presents for anyone other than my cousin’s kids, who I already shopped for.

      1. Oh, and I am taking a leaf out of an aunt’s book. If we send holiday cards at all, they’ll be valentines.

      2. When I worked at Kohl’s I checked out a guy who was buying a dozen of those money-holder cards. When I handed him his receipt he smiled and said “Christmas shopping complete!” I think about him every year.

        1. My late uncle was single and his present every year was a bag of pistachios and a gas gift card for everyone over the age of 16. I imagine his conversations were similar. Honestly though, was pretty appreciated universally lol

    5. Same, I am WIPED. What helps – I designate 2-3 nights where mom is ‘off’ – family eats leftovers or orders in, my husband is in charge of homework/dinner clean up/etc. I lock myself in a spare bedroom with a pile of gifts/stack of cards and a favorite beverage (wine/tea/soda) and an ipad/TV to binge a favorite show while I wrap gifts, stuff cards, and order any last minute gifts. I am vocal about the fact that holidays are a LOT of work and that he can either step up to help OR absorb other chores I usually do to even things out.

    6. Huh, I love all that stuff! I’m behind on cards this year and need to order them, but I look forward to everything you mention. I liked the glamorizing your life idea yesterday, but things that aren’t come home and watch TV are how I do that and it’s built in right now.

      1. I usually look forward to this stuff, too, but I’m having a hard time getting there this year, for whatever reason.

    7. Yes. My job has been crazy busy lately, 9-10 hour days and I’m still not getting everything done…but I’m also supposed to take my use or lose PTO at some point here? And do my end of year self assessment and provide good feedback on everyone else. And person stuff like buy presents and bake cookies and enjoy the holiday…feels unlikely right now.

    8. I don’t celebrate Christmas so I don’t have the holiday obligations, but I have a lot of time off work due to employer’s holiday closure and planned vacation and the motivation to do anything on the handful of days I’m working this month is zero.

    9. Just trying to get through to the end of the week. Whoever at the university decided taking 4 (hard science) grad classes at once was a reasonable full-time load needs to kick rocks.

    10. Do you have to do all of it? Can you focus on only things that that absolutely must be done and forget about the rest. Cookies, cards, decorating are all in my category of nice to do but not necessary.

    11. I’m just about done with Christmas shopping (I do love a cyber Monday sale) but it’s work I’m limping along on. I had a major, major deadline I recently met. I’m acting like there’s no more work to do now, because I’m totally burned out, but there is certainly more work to do before the end of the year! And if I want to relax the week between Christmas and New Year’s (favorite week of the year!) I’d better get cracking.

    12. I do my best to make December about relaxing and enjoying cozy time at home, at least until the craziness of the week of Christmas. Parking yourself on the couch and watching holiday shows is doing it right.
      Simplify shopping by buying everyone in certain categories the same thing, or get gift cards, or order online while you watch a holiday movie. Wrap gifts with a Christmas movie on, or use gift bags, or pay someone to wrap for you. Skip cookies, or if you have kids, use store-bought slice and bake and just focus on the decorating part with them. Skip cards, or send them out in the new year, or have the card printer address and send cards for you.

  10. Everyone here is so good with gift ideas I thought I’d ask a tricky one.

    My significant other loves the album art from a musician called DJ Okawari. For Christmas, I first thought I’d be able to order prints or at least vinyls of the art and get that framed for him. All I can find are CDs, which is okay, but not really what I was hoping for.

    Does anyone know of any artists with a similar vibe or have any other thoughts for gift ideas? I will post a link in a reply.

    2. Have you asked the artist? I’ve had good luck just emailing and saying “hey I love your cover art can I buy a print from you” in the past! Not with them specifically, but might be worth a shot.

    4. if you google “album art dj okawari” you get lots and lots and lots of hits. Look at the images, see if any of them are from sites that print the stuff up into t-shirts, wall prints, etc.

      Th

  11. Things shifted around at my less-than-well-funcitoning workplace and my current manager for some projects is just micromanage-y and rude. It’s always just seems like she is trying to be antagonistic with me. The weirdest part is since we’re hybrid this all happens over zoom calls, but in person or at work happy hours etc we get along completely fine.

    I think I just take her attitude too personally. I’m in therapy and all, and honestly I just feel like a little kid being bullied. I do think my strategy of applying to a job every time she annoys me too much will be good both for me mentally and for getting job apps out!

    The person who works for me is leaving this week. I think the new job is a good fit for him and I’m happy for him. He told me that he only stayed here this long and has been above and beyond with transition stuff because I’m such a calm and nice manager- which I try to be, so its good to hear that!

    1. I hate this kind of dynamic. Micromanagement is a really common management pitfall — we often say new managers are either absent or micromanagers, little in between. This is true even when they’re good people! I hope she gets the training to move beyond that method and you just get some breathing room.

  12. OP here, and hahaha, boy do I relate. If flares didn’t come with the stupid bumps, too, that might be a plan!

  13. What your dating red flags and dealbreakers?

    I was two previous posters combined – I was dating the man without a job and the same man had incredible mental health issues that prevented him from showing up for me. Things ended, went no contact, and you ladies helped me do that. Thank you.

    Going forward, I am realizing there were small signs at the beginning that indicated not all was well. I don’t feel lied to but perhaps manipulated. I want to ask, what are your red flags/ dealbreakers/ things that raise your spidey senses while dating?

    I’ll start:
    – Not working for a long period of time
    – Guys who are slightly controlling about where to eat/ what we do
    – Violent or emotional outbursts which speak to a lack of emotional regulation
    – Inability to understand another’s point of view or empathize beyond surface level

    1. You need a much higher bar. Those are all things from a bad People magazine article about a woman murdered by her spouse.

      3. No kidding! Those should all absolutley go without saying. (Although OP, good for you for realizing that they are dealbreakers — we all start where we start.)

    2. Dealbreakers— Mansplaining, voting for T and his ilk, and never reading. I know the last one is controversial, but that’s where I am.

      2. Completely agree. My husband was a moderate Republican (remember those?) when we first started dating but he changed to Dem when they nominated Trump.

    3. Wow this is a disturbing list. You are setting the bar way too low. You need to keep exploring in therapy why you wanted to date an unemployed mean man.

    4. Wow your bar is low. You deserve far better than this! My red flags:
      – He has no long term friendships
      – When speaking about previous relationships he blames all problems on the ex without taking any responsibility
      – I’m happy when I’m with him but insecure or anxious when we’re apart
      – You’re exclusive but he won’t commit to medium term plans (booking dinner at a hard-to-get-into restaurant a few weeks in advance)
      – Your plans are either always spontaneous or always planned in advance. Always spontaneous means he doesn’t prioritize you and only wants to hang when he has nothing better to do. Always pre-planned means he doesn’t want to incorporate you into his life.

    5. I agree with the previous posters (the flags you mentioned are big, blazing red flags, not small ones!) and would add a big red flag I’ve seen is the type who blames everyone but themself for the problems in their life, whether big or small.

    6. Glad you were able to move on! Keep taking care of yourself.

      I agree with the others. Those were giant, blazing red flags, not small signs. No judgment because I’ve definitely forced myself to stay in relationships, friendships, and workplaces when I should have run in the opposite direction.

      I recently read “Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents” and it was very helpful.

    7. Any boundary pushing no matter how subtle and innocent-seeming. Good respectful men do not push back when you communicate a boundary. A few examples: the first date (online dating) who asked me to dinner and I said let’s do a quick drink instead but when I get to the bar he’s already sitting at a table in the restaurant – he tried to kiss me later and when I pulled back to avoid the kiss he grabbed me and tried to kiss me again, I pushed him away and fled. The guy who gave me a ride home from a mutual friend’s party and asked to use my bathroom and I said I’m not comfortable letting a guy in, he said he really had to go, I said ok but I’m not “inviting you up” but he tried to kiss me anyway, I said no, he asked why’d you let me come up then and called me a b. The guy who insisted, over my polite objections, on picking me up for a second date and at the end of the date had to “stop by his house real quick” and I sat in the car for 45 minutes until I had to use the bathroom, then he cornered me in his kitchen and said he knew I wanted it (this one was before cell phones – in case anyone is thinking they would’ve just called a cab, thank god for uber).

      1. I wish men would never attempt to kiss you on a first date. You’re basically strangers! He doesn’t know if you’re into him or just being polite and pleasant. Once while walking side by side with a guy he quickly moved in front of me blocking my path to kiss me. I basically walked into his mouth before I realized what had happened. Some guys really need to watch that scene from Hitch.

    8. I dated a long time ago, but one of my deal breakers was when someone only talked about their job and position and title. I used to say my idea of a bad date was me saying, “tell me about yourself” and him saying, “well, I’m a Vice President.”

      1. I read this as “I’m THE Vice President” and I was like … you didn’t date Dick Cheney did you ???

    9. I assume the whole man is a red flag until proven otherwise, so it’s more like I look for green flags. I keep myself open to meeting other people/other experiences until there’s a strong mutual connection and he’s clear about his intentions and moving forward into a committed relationship. In my 20s I wasted a lot of time (years even) in tumultuous relationships until I worked on my self esteem. I finally found my current relationship because I kept myself open to meeting the right person instead of always being wrapped up in some drama/situationship. The guys I dated in my 20s would not get past the first date were I to meet them now.

    10. OP, I would encourage you to examine these red flags in therapy. For a long time, I dated men who were significantly under or even unemployed (twice) because I wanted to have the financial control. This came from my father using money to control my mom. I never wanted to be in the situation of being financially dependent on a partner, but it also meant I dated men who didn’t aspire to better themselves career wise.

      The other red flags you mention are also warning signs for DV, which maybe you saw as a child like me or otherwise experienced. It’s worth unpacking as this is the floor, not the ceiling. I wish you the best in your dating experiences!

    11. Your list is far too short and far too low a bar. Here’s a few more:
      -Primary form of communication is complaining.
      -Is unhappy with the world and most of the people on it.
      -Mama’s boy, aka mother-enmeshed-man. It’s bad.
      -Has zero interests in your interests.
      -It’s always about him. Whatever “it” is, it’s about him.
      -Earns less but wants to spend big with your money. Earns less is fine, but he needs to be comfortable with it and not being Mr. Spend Big on your dime.

        1. Yes, especially these:

          – Primary form of communication is complaining.
          -Is unhappy with the world and most of the people on it.
          -Has zero interests in your interests.
          -It’s always about (them). Whatever “it” is, it’s about (them).

          I had a friend like this – we could go out for lunch or drinks and have an entire “conversation” that consisted of her complaining about her life, the world, and everything, and where she would not ask me one question about myself. I finally realized I was not her friend, I was her free emotional dumping ground. I knew every intimate detail of the trials and tribulations of her life, but I doubt she could have told a stranger what my job was, or what kind of movies I liked, if asked with a gun to her head. I finally just stopped returning her texts.

      2. I agree with this list and would add
        -Someone who talks about their diet and/or working out all the time.
        -Someone who comments about my food beyond saying basis like “that looks good, etc.”
        -This one is totally a flag just for me because others might actually be okay with this but I could not date someone who has one big time and money suck hobby.

    12. Misogynistic micro aggressions. I grew up in a conservative family with two brothers who unfortunately picked up on things my dad said/did as we grew up so I can spot them a mile away.

      1. Can you share some examples? This description applies to me too, but I don’t have brothers.

  14. We’re considering travelling to Japan (Tokyo as a starting point) with our 7yr old kid next March. Does anyone have recommendations regarding itineraries, sights that are suitable for family travel, pacing, etc? Looking at around 10 days total, flying out of Chicago O’Hare.

    Our kid is fine with walking a few miles with breaks, as we go hiking often and have explored European cities on foot, walking up to 7 miles a day in total, and are comfortable using public transport.

    We’ve been before, pre-kid (Tokyo, took the train to Kyoto, did a ryokan stay, my husband has been to Hiroshima and Himeji area), so not too concerned about generally getting around.

    1. The jet lag is no joke. Take it easy on yourself with the itinerary. For me, it takes about 10 days to feel fairly normal, and about a month for my sleep to completely normalize.

      1. Counterpoint, we went to Thailand which is farther and it was fine. Going there we adjusted pretty much immediately because we got there at 11 pm local time and just went to sleep. Coming home was harder but it definitely didn’t take us 10 days to feel normal. Every body is different but I don’t think what you described is the norm.

    2. My friend who travels with her kids likes to build in a lot of time at parks and playgrounds, and children oriented museums. The Ghibli Museum is pretty special, very popular and often crowded though, so you do have to jump on the tickets as soon as they’re released for the dates you’re there. Don’t know if you would be interested in the Disney’s and Universal Studio there but those are also fun for kids.

  15. Suggestions for comfy sweatsuits (coordinated top and bottom) that are nice enough to wear out to run errands?

      1. Can anyone tell me why Vuori is worth the price? Just the white tie alone makes them look cheap to me.

    3. I like Vuori but find their materials so soft they’re more in the stay home / cashmere pajamas family for me. Check out Varley, it’s more substantial athleisure that’s great for errand running.

    4. I tried this and was shocked that I did not like being so matchy. Like I had joined Run-DMC or needed embroidery for “#BridesmaidPosse” or something. Royal Tenenbaums? Somehow black top and bottom is OK (as separately-bought items in the same color but not part of a set), but do it in burgundy and OMG no no no.

      3. Agree. I got a lot of matching tops and bottoms during the pandemic but I only ever wear them mix-and-match.

  16. I’m beat down. I just got divorced. My ex went back to school and had an affair with a fellow student. All told, I had to give him half my 401k and our savings, the lawyers took a lot of what was left. I’m 33, no kids (thankfully), glad to be out of the relationship but I’m looking at $30k in cash and less than that in my 401k. I have $20k of his debt thanks to the divorce and my car (running on its last leg) just broke down on the way to work today. I feel so behind and although I was never rich, I feel like I will never catch back up. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I’m all ears. Sorry to bring everyone down.

    2. I don’t have much to say because I know right now it’s very difficult. But you will pull through this and a few years from now you will regard the money you lost as the best money you ever spent. I’ve been there. Hugs to you.

      1. +1,000,000

        This is such a tough time but I promise things will get better and hooray for being away from the ex. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are SO YOUNG and you really do have your whole life ahead of you!

        Signed,

        Was where you are in my 50s and I bounced back and you will, too!

    3. I’m so sorry. It takes a little bit at a time but by this time next year you will feel much better about everything. Hugs to you.

    4. You still have a lot of time! Better that this happen now than in 10 years. Now all of your earnings are YOUR money and he can’t touch it! Also I’m so happy you didn’t have kids with him and you’re not stuck paying him child support, etc. Things will get better and I promise you are not as far behind as you feel! You have no debts so you’re already ahead of the game!!!

    5. Ugh…so sorry to hear about this. What’s your job situation? Maybe you need a complete fresh start? New job, new city? The job market is still very active, so maybe a new job that has a bonus plan will help you catch back up? Good luck!

    6. Oh I am so sorry. Many hugs, and I agree – post your rough location and maybe one of us can buy you a drink or drop off a care package?

    7. Reframe the narrative. Money is just money. Your freedom is priceless. Whatever you had to pay to be rid of this guy, it was worth it.
      You are young and you will build your wealth back up!

      1. Someone told me once, when I was lamenting an unavoidable but expensive home repair, “It’s just money. You can make more.” And that was so freeing for me, to not see money as this incredibly scarce, rare resource that can’t be regained if it’s lost. Money is a tool and it’s just a tool, and if you lose some, or have to spend some, it’s okay. You can make more.

        OP, I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I hope brighter days are ahead. We are rooting for you.

    9. You don’t have kids with him and you are free! You have lots of time to repair the financial damage. And meeting someone new will be so much easier if you do not have to deal with tricky parenting/custody issues/drama.

    10. I’m really sorry. Sending you hugs. I also got divorced, at 31, after my ex had an affair, and felt like I was backsliding in the worst way. But things got better! Just take it day by day and week by week. Upside, you can now surround yourself with people who respect you. Cheating is the ultimate disrespect, and you deserve so much better than that.

      1. Me too. I was divorced at 31 after my husband had an affair. My divorce was finalized just days before I delivered our only child. The emotional and financial trauma from the divorce took a very long time (exacerbated by having a baby). But I always said “this is was the price to pay to get away from that horrible man”. Fast forward almost 15 years, I’m engaged to a man that treats me like a queen, all day, every day. Time is your friend here. It will get better every day. Sending you hugs!

    11. Support from this internet stranger. I was in a very similar spot to where you are when I was 33 (though the divorce took FOREVER to finalize). Now, at 37, I still feel behind, but I’m catching up, and you will too. And I hope, like me, you will look back a couple years later and be in awe of how much changed for the better and for your own happiness and growth after things went final.

      But in the meantime – I second all recommendations to give yourself grace and take time to grieve. Sending you love from Virginia.

    12. I know you feel depleted because it’s a fraction of the savings you once had, but $30k in cash is nothing to sneeze at. You could be me, $0 in cash and just filed for bankruptcy! But you’re not, because you had the foresight to save, which means you already have the skills necessary to catch back up. Also agree with the poster above – you’re free!

  17. Is there a special pillow that would allow me to sleep on my stomach without my head turned all the way to the side? I sleep much better on my stomach, but when I do it, I end up with a week or neck pain from my head being stretched to the side.

    1. I have thought about getting one of those massage table donuts for this and then found my answer: those neck pillows for sleeping on planes.

    2. Boppy. Yes, the bf pillow. We have several and our youngest is 7!
      It’s nice that the cover comes off for washing (and you can always buy more, they are everywhere and the sizing is very consistent. .

    3. I put a normal pillow under my shoulder/torso on the side that I am facing, so that side of my body is slightly elevated and my neck doesn’t have to turn so far.

    4. Oh, to be able to sleep like this. Unfortunately, I have two bowling balls attached to my chest.

  18. I’ve been having trouble with a new senior associate. He procrastinates on assignments and ignores my instructions. My husband is a wonderful manager (not law) so I’ve been taking his advice on how to better manage this guy, namely, to more clearly communicate deadlines and expectations. DH suggests that what I perceive as procrastinating might actually be not understanding the deadline. So I’ve been trying to be more clear; i.e., if I tell him at 10 am, get this form to the client today, he might send the form at 11 pm, so I have to specify “by COB” if that’s what I mean.

    Not following instructions is still a sticking point. Last time, I asked him to walk me through his reasoning for disregarding my instruction to do A when he did B instead. He did not have an explanation. DH thinks this was condescending and instead I should just tell him, do A because I said so, B was wrong don’t do that. If associate were junior I would agree. But this guy has been practicing for like 7 years, maybe there’s a reason he did B, and while it’s wrong, I want to understand his thought process and help him develop his professional judgment. And if he really can’t justify why he did B instead of A like the partner told him, then he deserves to be called to the mat and feel very uncomfortable about that decision. We’re litigators, a judge would do no less – if you do something wrong then you better be prepared to answer for it. But maybe that’s not a great approach. WWYD/AITA?

    2. Write him up. I’m serious. You have to start the process now because it seems there’s a more than 50% chance he’s not going to improve because he doesn’t want to. If he does want to improve but is unmotivated, the performance improvement plan will be a wake up call.

      In my experience, managers don’t want to deal head on like this with an employee who is in the wrong job for them, and it just prolongs everyone’s misery.

      1. THISSSSSS. It’s not working out so start thinking about the exit strategy.

    3. “Help me understand why you did B” is a good way to start a respectful conversation about this.

    4. You sound very nice in your interactions with him. Rather than say I need something by COB say I need something by 6pm or COB, which is 6pm so he gets used to the expectations. If he doesn’t have an answer for why he did B instead A, then he needs to understand he will do as he is instructed going forward. If he doesn’t not seem to understand that then you have a problem and I would keep a note of all the issues so that if the time comes, the firm can take appropriate action.

    5. COB is no better than the end of the day. COB just means before the person arrives the next day at my firm, which could be 3am. If you want him to send the form by 5pm, tell him to send it by 5pm. And if you really mean by the time the client leaves the office, why does it matter if it is 6pm or 11pm?

    6. My comment is with the assumption that you are providing very clear direct instructions and it truly is as black and white as you asked him to do A, he understood what A meant, but he made a decision to do B instead without consulting you first. If any of this is not true and there’s a chance that this is the result of a misunderstanding or misalignment, then work on clearer communication of expectations (but also coach him to ask for clarification/specifics – it shouldn’t all fall on you).

      You’re definitely not the AH for providing direct, clear feedback. I am not a lawyer but in my field (manager at a Fortune 100 company with a team of direct reports) if I told a direct report to do A and they did B instead, I would take that seriously, document it (possibly with HR) and address it with the direct report immediately in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable and cannot happen again. Depending on the severity of the situation/consequences, whether this was the first offense or a pattern, their level of tenure, and their attitude (did they immediately acknowledge they were in the wrong, or maintain they were in the right?) I would adjust my tone to be somewhere on a range from gentler coaching to “this was unacceptable insubordination” but regardless there would be a clear message of “do not do this again.” But honestly with 7 years of experience I would expect a person to know better and wouldn’t have a lot of patience for having him walk me through his whole thought process about WHY he chose to completely disregard my directions.

      It’s good for you to be open to different approaches and consider others’ points of view, but if he genuinely thought there was a better way to do it than you instructed him he should have discussed with you ahead of time, NOT just made the call on his own. If it were me, I would address this directly and early before he disregards your instructions on something more important that ends up blowing up with significant repercussions.

      Full disclosure: I’m coming off the heels of a painful performance management process with one of my reports so this is all a little fresh for me!

    7. I have been a senior associate working with a partner of similar age and just a couple of years’ seniority. So I am reading this as perhaps your associate disagrees with your strategy, and that may be fundamental or it may be that he doesn’t understand it/know it. Can you open a bit more dialogue around matter strategy before giving direction? That way he feels like he has had a chance to give his opinion and you get the benefit of hearing it and then you get the final say. Then, if he does something different, you don’t have to wonder if he had a good reason for it afterwards, he’s just ignored your instruction. In my case, we really were better as a team rather than a boss and a report and everyone benefitted from it. And I eventually got final edits on documents because my writing, grammar, and punctuation were better and she knew it.

    8. Sounds like you have identified the problem with the timing issue – you do need to be really clear with deadlines. To me the fact that you even know he is procrastinating is beside the point. From a management perspective, all you should care about is whether the work product is (1) on time and (2) adequate quality. His process for getting there isn’t really your concern. If either 1 or 2 isn’t being met, address that directly.

      On A vs. B, how clear were you that A was required, versus recommended? If the necessary outcome is X, but you said, “The client needs X. I recommend doing A,” versus “Please do A,” the associate may have thought that doing B was easier, lower effort, he didn’t know how to do A but did B and thought it made no difference as long as the result was X. And of course he’s probably not going to admit he chose B because it was easier, that doesn’t look good.

      Also 7 years of practice is on its own meaningless – what has he been doing in those 7 years? Has he had any real responsibility or ownership? I can say for sure that around the 8-9 year mark is when I truly started to become an effective attorney in my own right, versus just executing the instructions of partners and being unable (and not caring) to see the big picture. It can take awhile, especially in a big firm when plenty of “years of experience” are actually years clicking through doc review.

      1. Thanks, good points, and thanks to everyone else too. It’s a bit hard to describe the A vs B things without getting too specific but here’s one example – I asked him to prepare a list of defenses and I tell him to look at a fairly famous case I won years ago, I explain it’s factually similar and we should use some of the defenses that were successful in that case. He sends me a list of defenses but it’s missing a bunch from famous case. I ask him if he looked at the case (he says yes) and why he didn’t list those defenses (he says he doesn’t know – which makes me think he didn’t actually look at the case) and after walking through those defenses he agrees they apply.

        The procrastination thing becomes an issue when either he blows deadlines because things take longer than he expects (which is its own problem that I didn’t mention here) or he’s unavailable for additional work or to address hiccups that come up in the case because he’s put off assignments that could’ve been done much earlier even though he’s billing 4 hours a day and leaving at 3 pm – so it’s not a workload issue. Occasionally leaving early or taking a half day is nbd but you shouldn’t take unscheduled half days multiple days in a row while work piles up. It comes off like you’re trying to avoid future assignments by keeping your plate full.

        2. Okay, so you’re doing that Thing where you mention a small issue – the feather that broke the camel’s back – and not the massive underlying issues. The feather annoys you; focus on the big issues.

          I think there is a tendency of managers to focus on problems, which is very understandable. See other comments for advice on the same. Pair that with explaining what you expect of good attorneys.

        3. This is worse than it sounded in the initial description. It could also have described me at a point in my career, though I don’t think I would have ignored the instruction to look at the earlier case. The real solution for the procrastinating for me would have been to give me more to do and as to the other, direct instruction to go look at the ignored case and report back on the defenses that day with obvious disapproval and something like “See, there was a reason I told you to look there.” YMMV.

          1. He might also be actively interviewing elsewhere, thus the checked out attitude and leaving early. Hopefully that’s the case so OP’s problem solves itself!

        4. Ugh, that makes it harder to manage if he does the assignment but just doesn’t do it fully/well enough and doesn’t follow your direction about resources/approaches. You could still reinforce it though and say “if I ask you to consider a specific resource, I expect to see it reflected in your work.”

          And forget about the procrastination – the issue is that he’s not meeting deadlines and he’s not anticipating/leaving enough buffer to account for hiccups (which it sounds like are frequent enough that they should be expected). Rather than trying to diagnose why he’s missing deadlines and make yourself his personalized procrastination coach, I would be really clear on expectations (“you need to meet your deadlines going forward” “additional work is often required to close something out, and you need to leave yourself enough buffer time so that you are able to handle that additional work without affecting the deadline”) and impact when he doesn’t (“when you don’t meet your deadline, it has the following negative impacts…”) and then ask him what he can do differently to ensure he stops missing deadlines. If he struggles, you could brainstorm together, but make him do the work of solving this problem.

          I will note though that if an employee is frequently missing work as you describe I always check in first in a very open, non-threatening way to make sure there’s not a personal situation going on I don’t know about that might merit some additional grace/leeway.

    9. To me this sounds like burnout or that he’s coasting until you fire him. A lot of associates are truly exhausted from the past few years. But if he’s getting paid 300K+, he needs to do the work. First, I would check with others who staff him that they are experiencing similiar issues–reason below. Talk to HR or the senior partner in your group about what the process is for an underperforming associate. Make sure that he’s not specifically underperforming _for you_ because you don’t get along–then you look bad.

      If you are in law and he’s leaving at 3pm, not listening and not doing what you need, then you need to PIP him. There are many ways that associates struggle in law, usually due to being too busy or pulled in too many directions. This is not that.

      You need to be less nice in talks with him, and more “this is serious and will impact your future at the firm.” Ask if something is going on at home or in his personal life that’s affecting his performance. And honestly, if you’re in a free market firm, staff this associate less on your matters.

  19. Please help. I need comfortable shoes for work. Like actually comfortable. I’ve had four surgeries in 3 years (bunions) – my feet have been through the ringer. Now thay they’re finally shaped like normal human feet, I need shoes that I can wear with a suit all day, and are hopefully somewhat cute. They need to come in size 10.5-11, which makes it more difficult. I feel like I find ones that are ok for walking, but they give me blisters, or ones that don’t give blisters but I can’t walk in. Please help, I had a 5 day conference last week and my feet are deceased.

    1. I have the Eileen Fisher Hilly Wedge d’Orsay Pump and think they’re really comfortable especially with hose – and they come up to an 11!

    2. Have you played around with heel height? I’m way more comfortable in shoes with a slight (1″ or so) heel for all-day than I am in true flats.

    3. I’d try European brands. It sounds like you’re an EUR 42. I find that European brands are made for people who walk around and have real lives – not as many “sittin’ shoes”

    5. I have some Danskos that are very comfortable. Most of them are hideous, but occasionally they have some acceptable-looking styles in a loafer or oxford.

    6. Ahh my crappy feet sister- i feel your pain. Realistically, youll need to figure out what works for your feet- bunions vs mismatched shoe size vs arch support will require different options. Id suggest starting at a comfort shoe store, finding what works for your feet and looking for cute at best or neutral at worst.

    7. I’d say Beautifeel or Eileen Fisher. I think the store the Walking Co carries Beautifeel. What city are you in, there might be a good shoe store for bad feet near you?

    8. Clarks Cloudsteppers.
      AGL from Nordstrom.
      Trotters.
      Blondo.
      Vionics.
      Van Eli (shop online at Marmi dot com).

      A lot of other brands at Nordstrom (they have a way to filter for comfort).

  20. Has anyone tried one of those stone bathmats? They are supposed to absorb the moisture from your feet. I like how a cushy bathmat feels but dont love leaving something soggy/wet on the floor, so I have been interested in trying the stone ones. I figure I would get more insightful reviews here than on am-zon.

    1. I don’t have a stone bathmat but I fold my bathmat in half and drape it over the edge of the tub when I’m done.

    2. I have a wood mat that is 10+yrs old and looks great plus is always dry!

      the idea of a stone one is appealing to me. Post link :)

  21. I started my private criminal law firm just over a year ago. Most of my cases take a long time to get resolve due to the serious nature of the charges. I have been ruled by my email and the NEXT deadline and really need help in making progress over the course of several months. How can I set myself up for the next year so I am not always behind?

    1. You need to find a time that is your powerhours that are not business hours, so you can bang out deeper work. Batch emails–only read/respond at say, 8am, 11am, and 4pm. Put fake meetings on your calendar. Hire a legal intern to do low-level repetitive tasks or a billing secretary to help.

      Spend Sunday nights planning out your week (building in time for urgent matters). At the end of each night, write down the three things you absolutely must accomplish the next day, and get them done. Assess what is not getting done and figure out when or who might be better able to address those tasks besides you.

      Think about systems and processes, not tasks. What is more of a time suck that you anticipate, always? What is more manual than it should be? What could be delegated or outsourced, if you had the right help and could afford it?

      Last–in some cases, when you have a new firm, you take whatever comes in the door. This can be a mistake, because some cases are too intensive or not profitable. Take some time to analyze what you are good at, what takes the right amount of time in your schedule, and make a BD plan to pursue more of that. Think about _not_ taking everything. Look to your local bar association for mentors in your practice area who are solos–the bar is more inclusive than you think. Or just ask for mentorship from other attorneys you admire. These more experienced solos can guide you with what to turn down or where to focus your efforts.

      Good luck!

      1. This is very helpful. I really did take a few cases earlier this year and did not charge nearly enough. Now I have too many cases! Thank you.

  22. Added bonus of still wearing a KN95 at work: it tones down coworker’s strong perfume / scent two workstations over!

    *masking in attempt to stay healthy ahead of a major upcoming trip.

    1. Ugh. I love fragrance, like I’m really into it, but I can’t stand oversprayers.

      Dior Sauvage is the worst offender lately. Gentlemen, if I can smell that you were once in the elevator today, it’s too much.

      1. Ha, I wear eau sauvage and I haven’t smelled it on anyone else in so many years!!

        1. Sauvage is the new one. It’s apparently for guys who want to be more like Johnny Depp, and they want that so badly they apply 8-10 sprays to achieve the vibe.

  23. Did anyone watch Reverend Warnock’s acceptance speech last night. I am not religious and I know it was a sermon of sorts, but wow. I immediately saw him running for President in the future.

    1. Oh interesting I’ll have to watch that, thanks for the suggestion. I didn’t follow the race that closely but headlines have been on my newsfeed today for obvious reasons. One thing I wonder – if an incumbent is generally favored to win, why are articles saying that his opponent’s campaign did a bad job? I know a lot of unsavory stuff came out about the candidate. But it seems like the GOP’s campaign was pretty successful if they managed to challenge an incumbent so closely that it required a runoff, even despite all the scandals. Shouldn’t the question be, how and why did Warnock come so close to losing?

      1. He won a second term in a red state in a year where republicans expected a red wave. More importantly, Trump and Kemp both threw their machines behind Walker and were unsuccessful. I saw a headline that this puts Trump at 2-14 for the midterms.

        I’m a lefty but I’d love to see the Republican Party learn a lesson or two from this cycle and come back closer to the center.

      2. Because the race was in Georgia. Not being snarky. That’s the answer. No Democrat, even an incumbant, is a lock in a statewide election in Georgia. Additionaly, Warnock only had a partial (2 years) term in office prior to this election. He didn’t have the benefit of being a six year incumbant.

        1. +1 to both these points. Also most states don’t require candidates to get >50% of the vote. He won both elections and in many states getting a plurality would have been sufficient and it would have been over the first time.

    2. I didn’t. Will have to find it. But if you liked that, tune into his sermon on MLK Day. He has brought me to tears and nearly to my feet for many years I assume he will still speak at Ebenezer this year.

  24. Speaking of being a soft summer (prior thread where I am not OP) – has anyone ever shopped at coldwater creek or soft surroundings? They’re feeding me Facebook ads in all of “my” colors. I think of these stores as places my mom would shop but maybe I’m there in life….

    1. I fell like J Jill is also mainly this palette. It also skews matronly but there are some cute things to be had if you look.

    2. I’m the OP from above, and this is my eternal dilemma. The colors are out there, but rarely at my usual sources on a consistent basis. I’m no spring chicken, but I absolutely don’t feel ready for the older-skewing stores! My style is on the classic side already and can quickly move into frump territory if I’m not careful.

    3. If you really want to shop there, go for it. If you’re interested in looking current, then I’d avoid it.

    4. Are there items where the color is the main thing people see? I’m thinking t-shirts or sweaters in a basic silhouette with a crewneck/vneck/turtleneck. I would buy a couple of those items and see how it goes!

      1. Yes, they’re hitting me with mostly pullover sweaters, which would be a big block of color on me!

  25. About 40 and about 5 ft tall, I am big time pear shaped naturally or hourglass (depending on the br@) and lately thanks to c0vid, I carry weight in my lower abdomen (no babies but multiple endometriosis surgeries). I found and bought a pair of sequined pants from TJMaxx yesterday because they were fun and were the right length for me. They’re black sequined at the top and then ombre to silver at the bottom.

    What the heck top do I wear this with?! I’m aiming for not disco ball attention-seeking but more like festive without looking like I am trying too hard. I am in FL so it’ll be in the 80s or so for holiday time. I also don’t want to highlight the hips area by wearing something super short but I am short so I don’t want it to look like I’m wearing a nightgown either.

    1. That sounds amazing! I would wear t hem with a black cashmere turtleneck because it gets cold here at night. If it’s warm, how about a black silk shirt or even tank? Maybe with fun dangly earrings to bookend the silver at the bottom.

    2. If you weren’t in Florida I’d say a black slouchy sweater. So I’m thinking maybe a black drapey t shirt?

      1. Yup, a black T shirt that can be simple. A great lip, maybe a little sparkle in my earrings to bookened the pants, and you are good to go.

        If the pants are more flow-y, wide legged/flare leg, I would wear a more fitted black T. If they are more straight/fitted, I would wear a looser black T that is more cropped. Just try to balance proportions

      1. Also I just found a similar pair of pants and I’m thisclose to buying them.

    4. I would wear a black boatneck or off-the-shoulder top (you could do sleeveless/cap sleeve; I would do short sleeve or 3/4 sleeve) that falls to your low hip. You could look for a silk version but a sweater would be fine (and probably easier to find).

      Those pants sound fabulous and now I want some!

    5. I love the mix of shiny and matte and the idea of high/low dressing, like wearing a basic cashmere sweater with a taffeta ball skirt (so preppy!)

      So if you’re out in the evenings, does it get cool enough for you to wear a sweater? How about a cotton sweater that hits at the high hip? I don’t think I’d go sparkly/sparkly, but velvet on top may also work. Let the pants be the star.

  26. I’m the anon who posted a few weeks back about falling for a guy I met while staying in another country for work. I had been making good progress on putting him out of my mind and while I still had some lingering feelings, I was doing a good job at getting back into my normal routine, including going in for a pre-scheduled OBGYN appointment. I got the call yesterday that my STI panel had come back positive–luckily for something very minor and curable, but I had to get back in touch with him to give him a heads up. I am 99% sure it came from him, as he was the first person I’ve gardened with since breaking up with my long term ex over the summer. I was STI-free this time last year so the only other explanation is that my ex cheated on me, which I suppose could’ve happened but isn’t likely.

    The guy was really apologetic and genuinely confused as to how it could have happened, as his most recent negative panel was this summer and he hadn’t gardened with anyone since those results. However, it seems like he got the panel because he had gardened without gloves, so to speak, so it could’ve been taken too soon.

    Having to get back in touch with him really put me back to square one emotionally and now I’m stewing in anxiety. I’ll be fine and I know I’ll get over it but it’s frustrating and embarrassing and a fitting end to a disappointing fling.

    2. Was it HPV? If so, I *still* don’t know how I got it in college, because the two people I slept with anywhere near (months) the time it showed up didn’t have it. I married one of them and am to this day friends with the other and I never tested positive again and neither did they.

      1. Unfortunately no, it was chlamydia. Still pretty minor luckily!

        1. Chlamydia is much better than HPV. I don’t know what that person is taking about. HPV is not curable and linked to cancer. You’re much better off with this.

      2. HPV isn’t curable and given the cancer link I wouldn’t call it minor. I’m assuming it was something like chlamydia that can be treated with antibiotics.

      4. I’ve read (here and elsewhere) that there isn’t a test for HPV in men. So it’s very likely one of them had it and didn’t know, because there was no way for them to know.

  27. I need to get someone out of my head (a trashy BEC coworker who is not worth the free rent). Any tips, especially when it is someone I have to see and interact with daily?

    1. I used to have a partner who would say about annoying opposing counsel, “Well, at the end of the day they still have to be them and we still get to be us. So that’s something.” Maybe try that.

      1. That’s funny, I say a version of this to my daughter all the time. (about mean girls)

      2. I’m the OP anon; thank you for this. I have it written out where I can see it as a reminder that I have enough maturity to take the high road, even and especially when she is at her most boorish.

    2. My single trick for this (because I am often getting caught up in imaginary arguments with people not worth the free rent, as you say) is to think, “NOPE” and redirect to picturing the people in my life who DO matter, like my husband, sisters, friends, dog, parents.

      1. Thank you! I like the reminder to redirect myself to others who have a legitimate claim to space in my head. :)

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