ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Pleated Long-Sleeve Tulip Midi Dress

A woman in a red midi-length dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I keep hearing that cherry tomato red is going to be the It Color of 2024, so let’s lean into it! This dress from Carolina Herrera looks like a million bucks, so maybe it’s a steal at $1,990? The detailing at the waistline is so gorgeous that it’s making me question whether I actually need to pay my mortgage this month.

If you’re in the market for a once-in-a-lifetime, wear-forever piece, I think this could be the one.

The dress is $1,990 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 2–18.

Here are a few more-affordable options (mostly in lucky sizes): Standards & Practices (plus sizes, $88), Connected Apparel (plus sizes, $79), Connected Apparel (straight sizes, $79).

Sales of note for 12.5

462 Comments

  1. I have a low stakes Monday question. Sometimes I just want to paint my nails with regular polish rather than get them done. What is your favorite regular nail polish? What is your favorite top coat? What are your favorite colors?

    1. for super easy- Essie’s Mademoiselle and Gel Setter top coat for a glossy, sturdy salon finish (not actually gel).

      1. I have really bad luck with regular polish. I paint my nails and get chips the same day. Is this gel as in, needs a UV light to cure, or regular paint?

        1. No light needed! It is the Essie gel couture line – use their polish & gel topcoat.

    3. I like Revlon-purchased at Walmart or drugstores-because of the curved brush tip; it’s easier to use. I vary colors from pinks to oranges to purples. I find it lasts for several days before needing touch-ups. For top coat, I like a quick dry. I’m not too picky about brands; I use Sally Hansen, OPI, or Orly. I found that Essie streaks, even with multiple coats. I have difficulty finding a pale pink/light tan that’s not opaque or full of glitter/shimmer. Anyone have suggestions for certain brands or specific colors?

      1. Essie High Maintenance and Ballet Slippers doesn’t streak for me but Fiji does.

    4. I usually stick with OPI, Essie, Orly, and MoonCat which is a lesser known brand and only available online.

    6. Regular Essie and Essie Gel Couture are my favorites. With the regular Essie polish, I use the Good to Go topcoat, which dries super fast. The Gel Couture topcoat is great when it’s fresh, but I’ve noticed it gets gloppy faster than other topcoats.

      A lot comes down to how a brand’s chemistry interacts with your own, plus the brush that you like. OPI has this skinny brush that I loathe, but the Essie brush is both rounded and flat and makes it much easier to get a smooth mani.

    7. Like everyone else who commented, I love the Essie light pinks, but I also love the Dior Nail Glow. It is just the slightest touch of pink but very natural. It’s my go-to especially when I don’t have a lot of time to do my nails.

      1. I second the Dior Nail Glow recommendation. It doesn’t streak, and looks like your nails but better.

    8. I use the sally hansen gel line and get about a week out of it. I like the color snow bunny, which is an opaque white with a tiny hint of pink.

    9. I agree with the vote for Revlon. Fewer colors, but the ones they have are excellent. I find the quality to be just as good, if not better, than the trendier brands.

      Raven Red is my all-time favorite for a rich burgundy red, but I also like Vixen and Valentine.

    11. I use the essie gel line top coat over regular essie polish. I can get a week out of it. The regular essie has more shades. I love “Imported Bubbly”.

    12. Essie gel in fairy tailor with the gel top coat. Subtle and mostly fool proof, and natural enough to not show wear easily.

    13. You don’t know jaques is my favorite color- it’s a brownish purple that looks like a moody neutral but still professional.

      That said essie gel coture is the most resilient of the shellac style polishes imho

    14. I don’t do my nails myself too often but for the times where I take a break from salon gel nails, I’ll use OPI and OPI base and top coat. My top color for fall/winter is “Taupe-less beach”.

    15. Not quite a regular polish since you have to use the whole system, but I love Dazzle Dry. The whole process takes 12-15 minutes and they are totally dry at the end of it.

  2. help me find a few things for an anniversary trip to napa in april:

    1) fav brands for lingerie sets
    2) outfits for wineries and nice dinners

    I’m a size 2 and small busted if that helps.

    2. Bay Area person here. Not exactly what you are asking, but if it helps to know avoid any thin heels, wine making at the end of the day is glorified farming and even the nicest wineries still often involve things like gravel paths you have to walk on. A block heel is probably okay. April will hopefully (but not necessarily) be warm midday but almost definitely be jacket weather in the morning/evening.

      1. As a fellow Bay Area person who grew up in Napa, I’d add that heels, block or otherwise are ridiculous at a winery. In April, I’d do flat boots or sneakers. For dinner you can break out heels and dress up more although the scene is still pretty casual.

        1. I meant more like – I have a pair of casual mid calf casual boots I wear daily in the winter that have a 1.5” block heel, I would potentially wear those because I wear them everywhere on all surfaces and they wouldn’t sink in any gravel or anything, in case that was helpful to OP and what she owns. But agreed I wouldn’t wear like a classic block heel shoe that you would wear with a dress type of shoe. But you are correct I am probably more likely to wear fashiony sneakers I don’t mind getting a little dirty.

      2. My dad was in the winery supply business and I used to drive him to wineries when they were still actually farms! Good reminder that they are still farms. :)

  3. And a lot of sizes are sold out. If you own this or similar, who are you and where do you wear this? (I have similar questions about Akris shoppers, expect that seems to be more rule-the- world-from-my-lair items and this is commanding and yet pretty). If I ruled the world, it might be in Athleta fleece-lined leggings and HeatTech (and I’m yet I will pounce on any used Akris Punto items that I can find).

    1. I have a few similar dresses and I wear them as a suit-equivalent – evening dinner event where CEO is getting an award, high-visibility meetings, etc.

      1. I think yes, for all this, but to me, it has to be a positive / happy event for subbing with a suit. Even in the black color on this, I wouldn’t wear it to a deposition or to testify before any agency / in court. I would wear with clients to any non-hostile or grave meeting.

        [OTOH, for this price and polyester, I am still thinking that MMLF kills this category of “serious dresses.” I’m sadly not aware of anything at a higher price point that might be better (either natural fibers or at least polyester sturdy enough to be washable), although sadly noting that Boss seems great but seems to be cut for someone notably taller than me whereas MMLF works fine for 5-4 me.]

        1. Not a lawyer but in crisis comms/PR – I’d wear this when I’m at a high profile event accompanying my bosses and sitting in on their meetings (Davos, MWC, etc.). I’d also wear it for investor days/media days/forums – it helps our leaders (and the press!) find me if I’m wearing something bright that stands out in a crowded conference room.
          Would I wear it in front of Congress or at a deposition? Nope! But I have a rotation of Fold dresses that are a bit kinder on my wallet for these purposes.

    2. Similar to the posters above, I have similar dresses for big internal meetings where a court-suit just is not the right vibe. Or, this dress could probably work well for business casual society stuff (e.g., ballet events on a week night). In house lawyer in a large city.

    3. I would wear this to work, right now with tights and tall boots, which I realize isn’t the most current, but is the most ideal for my city’s current weather.

    4. I work for aacademia and research adjacent global company in non-sales relationship management. I would wear this for meetings on campus, at funders, or with government/policy groups where the other participants might be “suited and booted” but it’s academia, so a full sober suit would be too corporate. And there are different levels of formality expected in different countries, I am always way more formal but not suited up in APAC for example.

    5. Lobbyist. I wouldn’t wear this for a regular day on the Hill (feels just a smidge too “evening”), but I’d absolutely wear it to any number of conferences or receptions.

    6. You’re a well-respected, seasoned professional, you’re presenting at the lectern in an auditorium that can hold 500 people. You want to make sure you hold their attention and come across as the expert on this topic. You wear this dress.

    7. I have several knock-off versions of this dress in knit synthetic stretch fabric — faux wrap, 3/4 sleeve, v-neck, with a straight hem (not tulipy scalloped like this dress). They were all significantly cheaper, and I generally use them as a uniform for when I go into the office or on business travel (because these dresses are appropriate in four seasons — with air conditioning — and in more conservative countries — with shoulders and elbows covered).

        1. Mainly at Chicos, but also at Talbots (short sleeved, summer versions), and some department stores (Adrianna Papell brand, although these tend to be dry clean only). I swear, these are workhorses, easy to scrunch into luggage and shake out upon arrival at a hotel, and stretching out or shrinking down to conform to varying weight situations. Good luck, and enjoy!

  4. I am going to India in a couple weeks to visit relatives. I would like to get something for my cousin’s sons who are around 17 and 12, I think. Usually I give cash to teen niblings, but in this case I would love to get them something that they can’t get in India very easily and doesn’t take up too much space in my suitcase. I think teens in India mostly follow the same trends in the US. Budget is $100 or less.

    1. Adidas Sambas. I’m sure you can get them in India but every teenage boy I see is wearing them

      1. Okay. I just bought a pair of these and was so excited but they ATE UP my heels. Is this not an issue for others? I’m still recovering! The back of the shoe is so hard/not cushioned, so I can’t imagine how this didn’t happen to others.

        2. I love my both the Samba and SambaRose style and am very shocked that no paparazzi have stalked me when I wear them.

        3. I have a pair and had been warned that was an issue but I walked all over Paris in mine with no problems so I think it is foot specific.

        1. Uh, no. It’s some very American and they can’t get it there. Kind of like bringing a soccer jersey when you come back from Europe

      2. No one in India cares about American football and they’ll be donated to the help.

      1. I have no idea. I’ve asked their mom and she is not really answering the question. The oldest is in boarding school and wants to go to college in the US. The younger one used to be into Legos a couple years ago but not sure if he still is. They both study a lot and are good students.

        1. Genuine t-shirts, hats, or hoodies of US Universities, especially its an institution known for research/graduates in their area of interest — Johns Hopkins for someone interested in medical school, for example, or UNC Chapel Hill for social science. Not the usual HPY schools that are well known, but genuine merch from some colleges and universities.

        2. Maybe some fun English language, books and graphic novels. I assume they are learning English if they want to go to university of America, and it could be a fun way for them to practice and learn some slang

          1. I’m guessing they are very fluent in English already, most private school kids in India (or those that know enough to plan to study in the US) likely receive English medium instruction already.

            Get them comics that are US specific like Big Nate or Marvel, from a comics store. These types of stores also have other cool merchandise that teens favor. Or Friends / The Office merch.

            My niece in India asked for Taylor Swift / BTS records, and something related to Japanese manga that she follows, in case there’s some parallel thing.

    5. A couple of big bags of American candy in “fun” sizes. Can’t get that, at least not fresh/non-stale versions in India. Stanley 40-oz lidded tumbler with built-in straw — probably easier/cheaper to acquire in the United States. Current issues of American magazines about sports, cars, you know, boy stuff.

  5. Were any of you terrors as teens? Maybe not at school but at home, aimed at parents for being normie capitalist conformists who perpetuate oppression and gender norms? As much as I eye roll this, one kid has fallen off the deep end between me class at school, some friends similarly fighting the power, and the social media echo chamber. Short of converting to becoming Amish until this storm passes, any advice for surviving until the storm passes? I promise that I’m trying to minimally engage when it gets bad (and it’s not all the time), but kiddo has some horrific judgment and impulse control (eg, maybe do not start lecturing neighbors or people at church who have helped you since you were in diapers and can cut you off as disruptive from one volunteer activity that you love). La lucha continua!

    1. Idk if people at church are going to cut a teen off from a volunteer activity because said teen is going a little too hard for Justice I feel like they need to work harder on seeking Jesus.

      1. We have some kids in our church and some youth programs outside of it who aren’t allowed to participate without a parent onsite. Some of these kids are included this way due to things like autism but others have had conduct problems where the staff can’t handle on their own (and anything that makes adult staff feel uncomfortable, like one kid who wouldn’t stop talking about a wanted gender change, also made parents and other kids very uncomfortable).

        Since COVID, it’s hard to find things for teens. And adult orgs are more aware of how ripe these can be for exposing kids to abuse, so they have to staff adequately if they are going to have them and tend to kick out kids who might themselves cause problems. Like one camp we looked at noted that teen kids doing wilderness camping could not act out s*xually or engage in any conduct of that sort with other fellow campers or they would be sent home — I can see how that would be thorny with some kids being in a position to have something non-consensual happen and the adults being super-wary.

      2. Painfully wrong, on a number of levels.

        Jesus wasn’t a doormat and doesn’t tell us to be doormats, either. Matthew 10:34 makes that quite clear.

        As a matter of wisdom and temperance, the kid has a lot of lessons to learn. These people are likely volunteers or horribly underpaid, have apparently been nothing but kind to this teenager for his entire life, and in return, they are getting an earful of entitled crap. That isn’t “Justice.”

        Sideshow fights, drama, and condescension are a world-class way to nuke a volunteer org. Whether or not kid thinks he’s “going hard for Justice,” there is nothing just about making long-term volunteers listen to your ignorant, entitled crap. That tends to destroy an org’s ability to fulfill its mission: it drives away other volunteers, takes time and energy away from the mission, and makes everyone miserable.

        Wisdom is a virtue. Knowing when to keep your mouth shut is a good thing. If kid learns that lesson the hard way at age 16 because he gets booted from something he truly loves because he’s pissing people off, well, better to learn at 16 than at 50.

          1. It’s not mean, it’s true. The people doing the least have a lot of time to point out flaws.

          2. It is very true. I quit one org because a teen was a terror and her mother was her biggest accomplice. I quit another because another volunteer would yell at people if she didn’t get her way. I ain’t got time for this nonsense and I feel bad for employees.

          3. That is 100% true. None of these people have to be there and it is not charitable to everyone else to destroy the culture of something they value. We all don’t live in a bubble that doesn’t affect everyone else.

          4. Anonymous at 10:45, no, it’s not mean. Just because you state it as if it were a fact doesn’t make it so.

          5. Yeah, some teens have parents that take the position that their kid never does anything wrong, ever. It’s very frustrating as volunteer who works with teens. There is being your kid’s advocate as their parent, and
            then there is pointlessly defending your teen as 100% innocent and well-meaning no matter the circumstances. I know I think my kids are cute and smart and well-meaning, but they can also be selfish and easily frustrated or purposefully oblivious to others.

      3. IMO the church won’t kick the disruptive kid out, but many of the other kids will quit because they don’t want to put up with it. There are a couple of obnoxious kids in our church youth group and as a result all of the nice normal kids quit and youth group is now just a handful of mean and immature kids. It’s really quite sad that this is allowed to happen. I know we have to include everyone but there must be a better way to keep a few kids from trampling all over the needs of the rest.

    2. I definitely thought the adults in my community and church were sell outs who didn’t live up to the values they’d raised me with and also factually wrong about a lot of things. I hope I wasn’t a terror! In retrospect, I was absolutely right, but I have better social skills as an adult than I did as a teen.

      1. I don’t know if it helps, but I do think when teens engage with adults this way, even though it can come across as ungrateful and demanding, it’s because they trust them, appreciate them, and believe they actually care. Like with younger children, it’s age appropriate to test boundaries and practice assertiveness in the process. It’s better to have a toddler that goes through the “no” phase than one that doesn’t, etc.

        But I believe how communities like churches and neighborhoods demonstrate themselves worthy of that trust or not can determine whether it’s a storm that passes or the beginning of a long term estrangement.

        1. I left the Catholic church I was raised in around 15/16 because of my realization of just how horrible and corrupt they were on ‘social’ issues (stance on women in leadership, LGBTQ issues, child abuse scandals, etc.). I think it really depends on whether your teen has a point or if they’re just being obnoxious. It can also be an age where you level with them and explain your point of view (my mom and dad basically said look, we’re not going to force you to go to church or agree with why we do, but for our sake please attend at Christmas/Easter/for family weddings or funerals).

          1. And with weddings / funerals, those are religious ceremonies to be sure, but if you can’t be civil, the teen ought to bow out vs offend the families having the event. I cannot imagine families grieving a love one having to deal with an angry teen atheist or one who goes on about oppression / colonization / etc. All those are important issues about which people rightly have strong feelings, but having a sense of what is time and place appropriate and what burns a bridge for a community you are a part of are important things to consider. Is this muzzling your free speech? [In our house, we note with love that free speech in the first amendment is a right against the federal government that is incorporated to use against states via the 14th amendment and not even remotely a concept within a family. On repeat some weeks.] You cannot have every hill be the hill you commit to die on.

        2. I agree very much with this. And how parents and trusted adults respond models for the kid how to engage.

          I don’t think I was a jerk but I was a very religious teen who also had very strong opinions that my loving church community didn’t all agree with (I was very pro gay rights in the 1990s in the south, very anti death penalty, marched to close the School of the Americas, etc). Teens are given to extremity, one way or another, and I think it’s healthy but also something they need to learn to handle with maturity…only loving adults can teach that.

          1. I remember I was very against declawing cats, gas guzzler car culture, a lot of lawn culture (landscaping that was bad for bees, lightning bugs), and I had concerns about animal welfare in industrial agriculture contexts and wanted my family to do more plant based eating or to support different farms.

            I feel like norms have actually changed in lot of these areas with my generation, so I try to keep this in mind even when young people aren’t entirely well informed; sometimes they are still pushing in a good direction, and change can happen.

    3. I would have been beaten if I’d tried lecturing or being a terror…
      That said, I definitely held a lof of the views my generation did at the time and that were fundamentally different than the views my parents held.
      I think it happens to every generation and you just have to set boundaries and ride it out.

    4. I think I would focus on where kid is getting information so that kid can understand the difference between facts and legitimate policy disagreements (eg climate change is real but we disagree about how to handle it) on the one hand and rank dis- and misinformation about which there is no legitimate disagreement (eg Holocaust/October 7 denial or vaccines cause autism) on the other hand. At the end of the day, our job is to raise citizens who are media literate and contribute to society. Kid’s social skills will get refined with age and experience (as Anon at 9:08 notes), but being able to discern when you are reading the truth and when TikTok is lying to you can make the difference between an adult who contributes to American democracy and one who contributes to its demise.

      2. This. Media literacy and critical thinking skills are just as important to teach our kids as financial literacy.

    5. Haha so the kid is like the teens in the first season of White Lotus? No, I wasn’t like that and it sounds annoying.

      1. Or one of the seasons of The Americans when the Russian family is horrified that their daughter is going to church (and later when she wants to connect with her Russian roots).

    6. One teen in our neighborhood e-mailed us all to come protest at the HQ of a big energy company. Seemingly oblivious that that teen’s house’s square footage meant that they had quite the power bill. And that she was e-mailing a bunch of people who worked there (not the CEO, but in many basic parts of the business, like HR and accounting and running entry-level hiring for line workers). It was something. IDK what happened inside that house because I think that the parents who included on the e-mail (who knows? maybe they cheered it on?), but it’s still talked about. “Stick it to the man!” “Kid, I am The Man.”

        1. Eh, it can be a bit do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do.

          Some teens in my city are all about flying off to fun places “to volunteer” and then pay full tuition at a SLAC (vs a kid who might say “I will go to Flagship State U and we can feed or even house the poor with the difference,” which I would respect the heck out of). We have a big SJW / Golden Goose / future Tradwick in a fleece vest overlap here.

    7. I was a bit of a terror! Opinionated, loved to talk (I was on the debate team, ha) and self-righteous in the way only a teen can be. Lectured my parents about being corporate sellouts, apathetic to climate change, etc etc. I still have progressive values but I also appreciate all the efforts my parents have made for me and the many nuances of gray in life. It was a phase – maybe one or two years? – and then I developed better social skills and a bit more nuance. My mom sat me down and basically said “It’s fine to care about XYZ, but it’s not ok to insult people you love” and even though I brushed it off, I was processing that internally and did try to take that into account. Good luck, OP – keep the conversation with your kid and know that it’s probably mostly a phase (caveat that I am a parent to a baby so I have no experience parenting teens, this is just from my own experience as a teen. I have a feeling my girl will be equally stubborn so fun times ahead I guess).

      1. this doesn’t sound like well-reasoned advocacy, but a teen who – as they do – think they know everything but are clueless as to reading the room, quality of sources of information, tactful ways of approaching topics, and nuance.

      2. A lot of teens have simplistic all-or-nothing, very black and white views of how things are. And it’s a lot easier to shout and try to tear things down than it is to build anything up.

          1. I will say, that I worked my way through college at State U. I know that’s not feasible with how expensive college has gotten, but if I ever saw my kids protesting their way through college (especially depending on the issue and the side, possibly with the frequency), they would find themselves taking a semester off to work and go to community college.

            IDK if it was the Vietnam era that started what I see as elites avoiding the real work in college and everyone else having to work and function as adults at 18, but a dose of the real world would likely do good for everyone, especially people who may eventually manage others or run companies.

      3. Because they often don’t understand trade-offs, don’t understand that we can’t make a communist utopia, in addition to lacking tact and discernment about when and how to bring up these issues.

        I was the kid who got into recycling in elementary school. So my father put me in charge of it. He didn’t take on any extra work himself because I cared; he didn’t stop me; he handed the task over to me. Let me tell you, learning to stay in my own lane and to take things upon myself before lecturing others – enormously valuable skills.

      4. Mine is not a teen yet but I hope that she is interested in social issues when she is (as am I) and we can engage respectfully about them. I think the OP’s issue is less about the content of the teen’s concerns but how they are being communicated to those around them. For that, unfortunately, I have no advice. Good luck OP.

      5. Seriously. These people sound like my mother. Oh no, my child cares about the world! They don’t express their alarm at the state of the world with the emotional depth and social grace of a 40 year old! What do you mean I have to actually talk to my child about hard questions??? They shouldn’t question my authority and world view! I raised my child to get straight A+s never so much as an A- but I expect them to have no critical thinking skills!

        If your teenager isn’t staying out all night drinking, doing drugs, driving drunk, stealing, having unprotected secs, pregnant or getting other people pregnant, your kid is not a terror. Count your blessings. Ffs.

        2. Hard disagree. There is so much misinformation on the web. Look at the reports on how a teen’s TikTok feed differs from yours.

          Parents should care about what information their kids is taking in, how to think about it critically and how to speak about it with tact that is appropriate for a teen.

      6. It sounds more like the teen is being very rude and the content happens to be about social issues. Which doesn’t sound like abnormal teen behavior. I sympathize with OP, I bet it’s really frustrating to deal with!

      7. I guess my parents and I were all “terrors” because they raised us kids to be socially conscious and involved in the community! My mom is in her 70s and continues to attend demonstrations with me like the local Women’s March and March for Our Lives against gun violence…

    9. Is it that the women who stay home are perpetuating gender roles and helping their husbands get ahead and women with careers are sell-outs who are both abused by a capitalist society and also part of the oppressor class (pls pick one!).

      I guess kids who have a comfortable life have no idea the sacrifice that most parents engage in for their kids. And often it takes bravery and refusing to crumble when things get hard (I have a kid who has had a difficult medical journey — it was hard for the kid, but with no local family, completing treatment was a logistical and spiritual ordeal even for the adults).

    10. No but partially because my parents lived their values. My dad has a blue collar government job and my mom is a teacher. Neither has ever worked for a private company, so they were never part of the capitalist / corporate rat race.

      I saw them donate money, volunteer, pick up litter, and make eco friendly choices. We didn’t deprive ourselves, but we definitely didn’t engage in extreme materialism or over consumption either.

      My parents are Episcopalian, which in general is a denomination that lives its values. They are definitely right leaning (Republicans until Trump, now probably right of center moderates). I don’t understand their political views at all, but I avoid talking politics with them. But, there’s also some things they’re surprisingly liberal on (vocally pro-gay marriage since the 1980s, eco friendly / very climate aware).

      I ended up in public service, like them, and I really never even considered working in the private sector.

      1. Where did the money from their salaries come from? Last I checked, the government doesn’t fund itself and if no one worked in “capitalist rat race jobs,” you wouldn’t have a phone or a computer to type this on.

        2. Can you really not see the difference between being a public school teacher and working for a hedge fund?

          Sure you can’t really opt out if capitalism unless you go totally off the grid, but if you value helping or building community over money you can make choices that align with that.

          1. Only a total idiot could not see the difference between working for a hedge fund and something like building cars at the Honda plant, doing pharmaceutical R&D, or working in logistics of cleaning supply production.

          2. While obviously my experience is not universal, growing up I really did only know people in helping professions, at non-profits, or in government OR people who worked for McKinsey and its ilk. Obviously its not nearly as black and white as I thought it was, but these kind of “neutral” jobs were not at all on my radar.

        2. Many, certainly not all, but many engineers are working on projects that are net positives. Some work in research, some in industry, and some in government. But you can certainly live your values while working as an engineer.

          Ditto accounting. You can do accounting un literally any industry. You can find moral accounting jobs and immoral ones.

      3. Did they get paid in money that they then went on to spend on things like food, shelter, and clothing? Guess what, they were part of the capitalist rat race.
        I’m a bit stunned about the fact that you believe otherwise.

    11. I was a nightmare to my mom in a different way for different reasons. I grew out of it.

    12. I was probably a terror as a teen. I was very self-righteous and had a black and white view of the world. (To take a non-political example, I didn’t understand why abused woman didn’t always and instantly leave their abusers.) Greater emotional maturity will help, but I started to change my ways because I realized was that I was incredibly ineffective. As an adult it’s obvious that people don’t respond well to being harangued but it’s something I had to learn. If you’re interested in having that discussion with your kid one place to start is the story of Dr. Semmelweis. He was an early proponent of handwashing and medical instrument sanitizing, but he was such a jerk that instead of saving thousands of lives he alienated his colleagues and lost his job.
      https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/12/375663920/the-doctor-who-championed-hand-washing-and-saved-women-s-lives

    13. i breathed fire as a teenager – my son is 12 now and i’ve warned him that between his hormones and my hormones (47) there are going to be a lot of high emotions over the next few years, but to know that i always love him and we’ll make it through this in about 10 years.

      looking back i wish i’d had steady cardio to get the crazies out – swimteam, running, something like that. i also feel like there were some things as an adult that i know about myself that i did not then, like i am always low on vitamin D and always have SAD and need a happy light.

    14. Lol… I’d buy them that “Dawn Saves the Trees” book (although a teen is probably too old for it). Maybe they’d realize that one of the points was that everyone hated Dawn because she was being annoying AF despite being morally right.

    15. I’d ask the teen what their goal is: do they want to persuade other people to change their behavior, or do they just want the dopamine rush of lecturing others about being wrong? Because you generally can’t do both.

    16. You absolutely can and should talk to teen about treating people respectfully, and how to constructively get a point across without bombast. But treating people respectfully doesn’t mean going along with ideas that you disagree with, and I have a sense that your real concern is that you think teen is misguided. (You talk at length about your eye-rolls, how teen has gone off the deep end, is in an echo chamber, etc.) Respect your teen’s desire to think for themself, and you’ll have a lot more luck in guiding them to interact with people around them more appropriately.

      1. It does not mean going along with ideas you disagree with but it can mean working with people who have ideas you disagree with respectfully and without presuming to lecture them.

        I work on my church’s homeless ministry with a lot of people whose politics I do not love. We might well disagree on a lot of important issues that do not relate to what we are working on. They are willing to spend 4 hours of their time every week serving meals to people living on the streets and considerably more working on other aspects of the ministry (because retired people are the backbone of that team). I do not lecture them about their bumper stickers on other issues or offer sweeping statements about how if people would “just” do whatever I think they should it would solve the problems. Fortunately, the teens I work with are mostly lovely but the ones who think lecturing people old enough to be their grandparents equates to making actual change in the world are swiftly disabused of that notion.

        1. In a similar vein, I’m involved in a few community organizations where I do not share the same political views as many, or even most, of the participants (I’m the square, normie middle-aged lady who cheerfully refers to herself as old and might as well be a Tr*mp supporter to the DSA types). To me, that’s part of living in community with my neighbors. I don’t have to like everyone to donate to the local food bank.

        2. It’s a real life lesson to learn that you can’t like everyone you work with, and everyone you work with may not necessarily like you. You don’t have to like everyone you interact with toward a mutual goal! It takes time to learn that other people may disagree with you, and repeating your position may not move them to change their minds.

    17. Mid 90s, I was a social-justice warrior type (particularly around LGBT issues, but also global poverty) and I’m sure I was sanctimonious and terrible at times. What helped me, though, was actually leaning in to the Amish angle – I eventually found a church home more aligned with my beliefs (urban Mennonite, then Quaker) and was active in those communities for a long time. In college and for a few years after I took the whole ‘live simply’ thing super literally – made my own clothes, etc. I also volunteered hours with special needs kids and in soup kitchens before travelling internationally for a few years doing peace-corp type work.
      I’m a boring Government lawyer now, but I look back very fondly on those years. Maybe just let your kid explore and see where it takes them?

    18. Along with the other suggestions about being an informed citizen, I guess I’d try to help them channel their passion in to something constructive. “Youth to Power” is a great book for young activists.

      1. I like this suggestion; I think some of the intensity of teenage advocacy can come from feeling like they can’t do anything about the forces that shape their lives except protest/complain! But sometimes they can.

    19. I veered toward obnoxious in college at times and the grown ups who took me seriously and applauded the good parts of what I was doing (taking action on things I cared about, civic engagement, organizing peers) while just gently skipping over the more obnoxious parts of it quite literally helped me shape youthful activism into a something I could build a career on.

    20. Armchair internet stranger is wondering what gender roles are they calling out? Are you comfortable with that gender roll, or is your kid a “terror” because they are calling out something that makes you uncomfortable? Look we all had to learn to use our voices at some point. It’s better it happens when your kid is a teenager, because the learning curve is much more steep when a thirty-year old finally learns to use their voice.

      1. Yeah my mom hates it when I call out the unequal division of labor between her and my dad, but also it’s BS! She’ll counter that he’s a great dad (he is) and was really involved and hands on when we were kids (he was), but that doesn’t give him a pass from doing laundry 30 years later!

        1. But… What are you hoping to gain by calling out gender role inequalities someone else’s marriage, when it sounds like your mom’s made it pretty clear she isn’t interested in that observation from you?

        2. The division of labor between your parents is absolutely none of your business and you have no place lecturing another couple about how they “should” live their lives. If it does not bother her, it is incredibly presumptuous of you to tell her it should or that your thoughts about how she ought to feel have more validity than how she actually feels.

          And you continuing to bring it up when you know your mom hates it is just rude. She is an adult who gets to make her own choices. Stop treating her like a child you need to educate.

          1. It bothers the h3ll out of her though. She calls me frequently to complain about it.

    21. Are there things that your family is doing that seem to really set off your kid? Maybe everybody can work on being better at compromising – the family works to adopt some of the kid’s values and the kid is more respectful when engaging on this topic?

      I don’t know your family and how you operate but some general ideas:
      – if you’re replacing a car anyways, can you choose a hybrid or electric option?
      – Can you wait to replace electronics (like phones) and other possessions until they’re no longer able to be repaired, rather than replace when the next model comes out?
      – Can you bring your kid with you to volunteer?
      – Can you discuss what charities you donate to and why you chose those causes?
      – Can you adopt meatless Mondays, a car-free day, or some other eco friendly option?

    22. You have my sympathy . There are so many times, even with my mostly-agreeable teen, where I have to let them flounder a bit because they won’t take my suggestions. Or flounder a lot! Or wait until someone else says the exact same thing that I said.

      With the neighbors and church people, I’d be inclined to let them know you aren’t the genesis of this lecturing/hectoring, and give them the freedom to decide whether to engage with your teen. As someone who does a lot of volunteering, I wish more volunteer orgs would take steps to curb or peel off really difficult volunteers (no one needs to be screamed at for stacking Girl Scout cookie boxes the wrong way).

    23. Sounds like Gen Alpha, which is Gen Z on steroids. My kids are Gen Z. They’re a little less obnoxious now that they’re well into college. But we went through it. And we live in Berkeley!

    24. I probably was. (I have a shameful memory of being a 14ish and making sarcastic comments about religion in front of my parent’s realtor– these would have been okay at home, but NOT COOL in front of someone working for us who was, as my father sharply pointed out the first chance he got– likely religious.) I think the key is to focus on the two areas you mentioned: judgment and impulse control. You’re not going to make any headway on the ideas themselves (and I’m not saying you should try), but kid will be well-served by learning when, where, and how to bring up these ideas. TBH, these are crucial skills for advocacy (in addition to adulting) so maybe that puts a better spin on it for a kid who isn’t going to want to be told to shut up and be polite. You can also use this as an opportunity to model setting boundaries.

    25. Learning about the myriad ways in which the world sucks is a real mindfork. I’m still mad.

  6. I’m in consulting and we have a new managing director that was hired externally. I’m working on networking within the company so that I’m selected to work on projects, etc. I’d like to send a welcome to X company and an introductory email but I always overthink these things. Any suggestions or templates others have used?

    1. You don’t need a template. Just a quick note saying welcome to the company and you look forward to working together.

    2. Do it.

      “Hello MD, Welcome to McKinsey. I am Corporette in the Healthcare group with a background in XYZ. Looking forward to working with you on ABC projects.”

  7. I absolutely can’t figure out clothes pricing anymore. Examples: I’m looking for a dress in a specific color way. Found one via searching that led me to the NastyGal website, which I have never heard of. The dress price is a little high for the material, but is also supposedly 60% off, meaning the “original” price is much higher. They have a disclaimer saying they may never sell the dress at the “original” price, that that “original” price is an estimate of what it could sell for. I feel like this at Kohl’s and other stores, nothing is ever “regular” price. What gives?

    1. This is very normal for US mall-quality stores, and has been for as long as I can remember.

    2. The fake-retail price is absolutely a thing at factory stores. Like JCrew Factory annoys me endlessly by pretending their stuff was ever on sale for the “compare at” price.

      Then regular mall brands absolutely set their full price knowing full well most of their sales will be at a discount from the marked price.

      JCPenney tried, famously, to say “we’re going to quit playing games with the sales cycle and just mark our full price fairly” and it was an abject failure of a strategy. People like to feel like they’re getting a bargain.

      1. I just purchased a nice pair of boots for much less than I would have paid in November. But, I wear 14P so I, sadly, often pay full price for suits because I would never get the styles I like. :(

    3. The only way to get an actual bargain is to buy things marked “clearance,” and even then it gets iffy.

    5. There have been a couple of lawsuits against companies like Kohl’s claiming that they use false reference prices and that their sales are fake. I assume it’s related to that.

    6. This is a classic marketing strategy. People who think they are getting a deal are likely to spend more.
      Ignore the “original” and “compare at” prices and only go by the listed price.

  8. Need some shoe help. Headed back to work after maternity leave. Just had my last baby so trying to spend money and effort on me (finally).

    I’m in a professional services industry. We ditched ties/full suits for men at the pandemic but still major Finance Bro attire, and a lot more women than men. I’m fairly senior and the most senior woman.

    Prior to leave I wore my rothys in the ground and put on heels for client facing work. I’ve never been a clunky loafer person. I have some suede Birdie loafers I love.

    What am I missing as far as brands to shop for or styles to wear with straight pants?

    1. Have you thought about a sleeker/less clunky loafer? Not a fancy brand, but I have some Dr. Scholl’s Emilia loafers in black suede and think they look nice while still being comfortable.

      1. I think this is the way. They look more contemporary than Rothy’s but are at least as comfortable. My favorites are Ferragamo ($$$) (the mule loafter with gancini ornament) but there are tons of options out there that are not chunky.

    2. Congrats! Similar situation. Naturalizer Becca “flat”: 1’ heel, pointed, hardware.

    3. Maybe not upscale enough for your industry, but I’ve been stalking some 2″ heel non-chunky Rockport loafers lately, and would wear them with straight pants and some dresses and skirts.

    4. Ankle boots? I’m in New England and basically wear black ankle boots (no gap, so taller than booties) daily in the winter with straight pants or a suit. I’m wearing a suit today and glad for toasty socks in my boots.

      1. This is def my winter uniform (also New England- Boston actually). Blondo’s are my go to. I guess I typically wear them with dresses but not pants. But, trying to look a little more modern, I’m adding more pants in to the rotation and feel like I have a shoe gap. Maybe booties are the answer for both dresses and pants. Will have to try the look out. Thanks!

        1. Sock / taller booties (flat or with heel) look particularly good with a wide legged pant, cropped, which also makes you look more modern.

        2. I’m the ankle boots poster, and coincidentally I’m in Boston, too. Hi, neighbor! I alternate Chelsea boots and suede almond toe boots with a slight heel (Blondos, actually!). I don’t wear dresses in the winter anymore. I got rid of all my pencil skirts…

    5. Finance bro attire is Blue Button-down with fleece vest, chino pants, and loafers or sleek sneakers right?

      I think loafers are fine for you. No issues. I don’t think you have to put on heels for the clients anymore, because chances are they ditched business attire too. I’m getting rid of all my heels except for something I might wear to a wedding, but no work heels.

      1. Spot on for the Finance Bro attire. Blue plaid shirt, Patagonia vest – maybe Rhoback if they’re feeling dangerous – chino and a non-sneaker, but definitely-sneaker sneaker.

  9. I am in a major style rut. I used to wear dresses, opaque black tights, and black booties or shoes every day for about 8 months out of the year (it’s cold where I live). Now, almost no one wears dresses, and I think my style stands out in a bad way. I’d like to update and adopt a new uniform, so to speak, but don’t know what I want to wear. Any help? I’m straight sizes, lawyer but job has careened to the casual side of business casual the last couple years. Many of my female colleagues wear light jeans and sweaters. That’s not my look. I know I can still wear what I have, but I’d like to figure out something more current until dresses don’t stand out as much.

    1. I feel like simply buying one pair of pants and a couple houses would be a good start.

      But I’m also not a fan of ditching everything and starting over. Just gradually introduce some new things.

      1. I know this is a typo, but I got such a kick out of simply buying a couple houses. I wish I had the money to simply buy one.

        1. Same. Buying a couple of houses definitely gets me out of any style rut I’ve been in!

    2. I would try to replicate whatever drew you to your current uniform and just adapting it for other styles. Is it a comfort thing? Is it that it’s monochromatic and therefore requires little thought in the morning?

      1. This is the way. I also wear dresses and tights because pants, especially the current high waisted pants do not work for my body. However, I’ve bought new updated dresses, especially a lot of silk shirt dresses. I think wearing older styled sheath dresses is the issue.

        1. I agree with 9:51 and wear either pointed-toe flats or low heels with them. If you hem them for the lowest possible hem for the flats, like almost to the floor, you can get away with both heel heights with the same pair of pants.

          1. oh or you can sub in flat or heeled boots underneath, too, it’s just the pointed toe that gives the nicest line with the pants IMHO.

        2. Ankle boots, loafers, oxfords, or pumps depending on your preference and weather. The younger folks in my office are all about loafers (ideally with lug soles). I wear loafers or pointed toe ankle boots depending on how cold it is.

      2. They do not. I have short legs, narrow hips and big bust. 5’1”. Have not found a pair of wide legged pants that fit, let alone flatter. Maybe if I wore 4 inch heels, but that would just be trying to make my body fit the clothes rather than the clothes fit my body.

        3. I’m not quite that short but I do have to wear petite pants, and I’ve found sometimes trousers in a straight leg give me the effect of a wide leg.

        4. I have short waist and big bust, and I can wear wide legged trousers if they are high waist, fitted around the hips, fitted at the top of my thighs and then flare. I have an hourglass shape, so my bust and hips balance. For you, with narrow hips, try a drapey fabric with flare from the top hip bone, giving you width at the hipbone to balance your bust.

      3. For work purposes, I can’t figure out what tops to wear with wide legs. A classic b-tton d o w n looks weird, like I’m wearing Urkel pants. Sweaters tucked in look and feel kinda bulky. I have a very rectangular torso and not much waist definition, so this is a struggle.

        2. I’ve been on team wide legged for a few years now. I wear thin sweaters (like the J Crew Tippi) or turtleneck bodysuits, or a tank/shell with something on top. Occasionally I’ll French tuck a bulkier sweater but it’s harder to get the proportions right, so not an intro-level look IMO. I’m built straight up and down, and I actually really like high waisted wide legged pants because they make it look like I have a waist.

          Button downs with wide legs are not the move unless you’ve got a clear perspective about what you’re trying to execute. Also not an intro-level look.

          1. Oh jeez, there is no “intro” or “expert” level when it comes to putting clothes on.

          2. Counterpoint, I like to tie a button down at the bottom and tuck it under or leave it out deep in the top. It’s an easy way to change the waistline and not be constrained by the actual waist of the pants. A button down tied this way with flared pants is my uniform. Obviates the need for a belt too.

        3. I have a couple of “cropped” sweaters that are only a bit longer than the high waist of some pants. They create a similar silhouette to tucked in without the bulk.

        4. Try Banana Republic Nezha tops. These are very thin, ribbed, 100% merino wool and are fitted enough to tuck in and balance wide leg pants.

          1. or Talbots Audrey cashmere sweaters — thin, 3/4 sleeves, boat neck. Super flattering!

        5. I wear cropped cut sweaters and blouses with high rise pants (or thin shirt tucked in with a cropped cut blazer). They’re not like 90s cropped/not meant to actually show your midriff but meant to hit where those high rise pants actually end.

      4. Not on this one. Tall, slim, athletic, most things look great on me but not the baggy granny slacks currently in fashion. And the shoe situation is also a challenge.

        1. The wide leg pants in stores right now don’t resemble baggy granny sacks at all?? What a strange comment.

          1. Agree to disagree. The pleats, high waist and baggy fit are all there in mall stores and insta. I don’t like the style.

        2. I’m on the same page as Anon 11. I might look “in style” in them, but I objectively know I don’t look “good” or at least as good as I can otherwise, and I think this will be one of those styles we’ll look back on in 10 years and honestly laugh at a little bit. Maybe not for everyone, but definitely for how they look on me.

          1. I’m the 11:00 anon and agree, in a couple years it will look silly. I won’t spend money on “quality” on this category if I buy any

          2. +1. I am tall and thin and hate the look of these type of pants on me. Yes, I might look stylish, but it is a no for me. I still wear dresses to work FWIW.

      5. I feel like that’s a trend. I wore my share of wide legs last time they trended. But a straight dress trouser is classic.

    4. I just wanted to add that I think your instincts are right, I never see people wearing dresses and opaque tights anymore.

      1. I still see (and wear once or twice a week) this combo in the winter as an attorney in Chicago. With ankle booties, not tall boots. I tend towards more business than business casual though; certainly the younger, non-lawyer folks in my office wear wide-legged pants for biz casual. Otherwise I wear slim/straight ankle pants with booties, flats, or loafers (and sweaters and/or top with contrasting blazer). And I do have a few “fashion” (not court) suits with wide pants, and court suits with traditional skirt/dress/straight pants hemmed for oxfords or low heels. Like PPs I have a hard time “dressing up” wide leg pants but I think my eye just needs time to adjust.

      2. I think you’re right. I rotated out my skirts and dresses for now. Saved occasion dresses for things like weddings, but the work dresses and skirts are in storage.

    5. What if you just changed the tones/colors of the light jeans and sweaters look? Try very dark wash jeans in a current cut (wide or boot) with pointed toe shoes. Find a style shirt that you like, and buy similar cuts/colors.

      1. That’s what I was thinking. Dark jeans with a darker top gives you a similar “column of color” effect as the dress+tights+boots.
        I’m in a similar boat and asked last week about blazer + jeans outfits. I’m going to try it out this week and I’ll report back!

    6. The blog Life With Jazz recently had a post on Workwear Pants for the Office. I thought it was helpful for current ideas and inspiration!

  10. Can anyone recommend a rain jacket for running? Something wind-blocking would be a bonus. Doesn’t need to add warmth since I can layer. Thanks!

    1. I just purchased a replacement Marmot Precip. My first one lasted 7 years, and I wore it often. It has vents. It does not have reflective tape but you could add. So far I’ve been pleased with the replacement: some people say the quality has gone down but I haven’t noticed. We’ll see how long it lasts.

    2. YMMV but I can’t really stand to wear a full hardshell jacket when running unless the temperature is below freezing – I get way too hot. So I just get wet. That said, I have a Nathan Traverse jacket I wear as a windblocking layer when it is 25 or below that I am reasonably happy with. It claims to be water resistant but I haven’t really tested that.

      1. +1 to just getting wet. You’re either going to get wet from the rain, or if you try to block the rain, wet from sweat.

      1. I second North Face jackets. I bought one ages ago for hiking in the Alps and Patagonia [like an outer wind- & water-proof but non-insulating layer] and I have used it also for running when I went to run in rain [conscious choice]. Mine also has zipper in the underarm area, which are a nice bonus. The jacket surived rainy/windy/cold runs in the Eastern Europe & the Netherlands.

  11. Does anyone have LPR/silent reflux? About 4 months ago after a run and a spicy meal I started having shortness of breath and tightness in my chess. I was checked for a pulmonary embolism, which I luckily did not have. My primary care doctor thinks it might be reflux or asthma. Some days I’m fine, and other days I have tightness and a cough anytime I am eating or speaking. Cold weather and exercise make it worse. I’ve tried a variety of drug store meds without success, and I’ve now lost 8 pounds even though I was already underweight. I am waiting to see the pulmonologist and ENT, but in the meantime I’m open to ideas if anyone has been through this.

    1. I have low acid reflux and asthma, and I used to have POTS, and the symptoms have been hard for me to to sort out before. Anemia can feel similar to me too though I’m sure they checked for that! All of those have caused shortness of breath and chest pain for me at different times.

      My experience has mostly been just that some doctors offer many more options than others (both in terms of testing and treatment) and that access to more testing and treatment made the difference for me for getting back to exercising. So it sounds like you’re on the right path by getting tested (I think they’d want to do an endoscopy at some point if they think it could be reflux).

    2. I had this 12 years ago for about a year. It came on the night before the election (! – how innocent a Romney win seems now) and I lost about 8 lbs the first month too. I did the alkaline water for a while and changed my diet, and ultimately ended up loosening my waistband as much as possible most of the time, and it finally went away. I do suspect an anxiety link. It hasn’t recurred since, and if I get normal reflux, I fix my waistband. Good luck. It was not fun.

    3. I have LPR. This is my second round of it. It stinks! The first round started after I had pneumonia, and it eventually went away after about 2 years. Alkaline water helped me more than anything (PPIs did nothing except give me dia**hea and weight loss — the enzyme that causes symptoms and damaged tissues is inactive at pH>9. Check out Jamie Koufman’s books and blog. Good luck!

    4. I do. I originally had a really rough bout about 10 years ago, and have had a couple of milder resurgences over the years although thankfully not in a while now. I’ve done a couple of rounds of prescription-strength Prilosec, and that has always helped me. I didn’t do a full elimination diet, but I was able to figure out my biggest triggers, and it helped a lot to make some dietary changes and sleep with a wedge pillow (and at a particular angle, although perhaps that’s individual).

  12. I am flying in/out of Newark. Renting a car at airport for some suburban meetings over 2 days then turning it in for a weekend in NYC before flying out. Best way for getting from Newark rental car area to either midtown or the West Village and back? I’m not sure how it is with cabs or Ubers and crossing from one state into another. Also, current thoughts on fun hotels in either area? Haven’t been since pre-COVID.

    1. Uber is perfectly fine and what I, a person who does this often, would do. You can also take airport transit from rental car, to airport, to airport train station, to NYC. But it takes a while and is annoying. Crossing state lines in an Uber doesn’t matter at all, it’ll just got you more because of tolls

      1. Random other question — if you are in a family group (like 2 parents; 2 teen kids), how easy is it to get an Uber that will fit that many people (like a minivan) vs a cab or calling a black car (the ones that send Tahoes or Suburbans)? I usually travel solo but it’s our first multi-modal trip with kids since COVID and they don’t easily squash in and I have no business driving in NYC.

          1. Yeah, I’ve done the Air Train / Path / Subway thing before, but it took a lot longer than an Uber. If you have the funds take an Uber, and I agree with Uber XL. Ubers are easily available at EWR.

      2. I don’t think NJ Uber drivers can pick up fares in NY so you may have a few cancel on you before you find one that accepts the ride. unless something has changed in the last few months which was my last Newark trip. but you can eventually get one, and sometimes on the first try

        1. I always take an Uber from either the wall street area or midtown to EWR and have never had an issue. They are plentiful.

        2. this is because the driver doesn’t want to go that far in an unfavorable-to-them direction, not an actual prohibition. We took one from JFK back home to Philly – yes it was like a $250 ride but it was half the price of a formal “car service” and the airfare was so much better that we came out way ahead even after that!

        3. I was curious so looked into this further. You cannot pick up fares in NYC without a license from the TLC and there’s a waiting list. This means that most NJ Uber drivers won’t want to dead-end into NY especially given the tolls to get back to NJ post-trip. It doesn’t seem to be an issue for NYC licensed drivers to take you to Newark (and if you are lucky, those same ones can take you back). I still do use Uber from Newark, or if I don’t want to gamble on extra wait time, use Carmel

    2. EWR is hooked up easily with tr-nsit via the AirTrain that takes you to the rail station. You can also easily get a cab or Uber or Lyft, just don’t forget the tolls will be charged back to you.

    3. It’s very easy to navigate via train but I’d take Uber depending on the time (rush hour driving) and cost. Another alternative is to take an Uber to Hoboken and the path into the city.

    4. If you don’t feel like getting a cab or uber (they will definitely take you into the city), it’s easy to take NJTransit or even Amtrak to NYC from Newark.

    5. Most of the rental car places are at a spot on the AirTrain network or offer a shuttle to the AirTrain, so you could just take the AirTrain to the NJ Transit station and then take NJ Transit to Penn station in midtown.

      Uber/Lyft would also both be perfectly fine, albeit more expensive, options. No issues crossing between the states, you just pay the toll for the tunnel.

    6. Also, don’t do what I did over Christmas: I thought I was being smart and ordered a Lyft in advance for a certain time. Turned out that doubled the price! Just order it when you need it.

    7. I stayed at a near EWR hotel recently because I arrived after midnight. The next morning, three Ubers cancelled on me because they did not want to take me into Manhattan. I ended up taking AirTrain to NJ Transit, but wasted a lot of time with the cancelled Ubers.

      1. I’m just surprised that happened to you. I travel to NYC / Manhattan for work all the time, and always fly SFO-EWR (United captive here) and I just rely on Uber without a second thought. It has just never been an issue!

    8. There’s a Coach USA bus from Terminal A, B or C to midtown (Port Authority, Bryant Park, Grand Central.) The trains to Penn Station run frequently. I’d lean to trains if it’s anytime close to rush hour.

    9. Amtrak to Penn station is easy-peasy, much faster than traffic. Then you can take a quick cab or Uber down to the West Village (or the ACE trains on the subway). I once was stuck in a flooded tunnel at Newark airport, and missed my flight. Total nightmare. Now I always take the train.

  13. I’m having some hip and lower back pain that I suspect is due to weakening core muscles. I work out regularly but will fully admit that core strength has not been my priority, and I’m sure sitting at a desk job all day isn’t helping matters. I’d like to try addressing this on my own before I bring in the pros. Any ideas for YouTube channels or other resources that I could follow to start building a stronger core? I honestly don’t know where to start because I hate ab workouts sooo much.

      1. Yup. Clamshells, banded crab walks, banded monster walks, planks, and side planks with leg lift are your friend. I’ve dealt with chronic back pain for years ever since I got an injury and I have found that hip weakness and tightness really worsen it. For programs, try Pilates.

    2. Pilates has helped me a lot moreso than traditional crunches. I use Fitness Blender for most of my workout videos and they have various pilates videos. Years ago I tried Blogilates.

    3. I mean, are you doing full body weight lifting? If you are, many of those lifts engage the core. Deadlifts, bent over rows, squats, nearly anything with kettlebells, etc. If you’re not doing weight lifting that engages multiple muscle groups (e.g., you do some bicep curls and such), you need to be doing that before you start thinking about targeted ab workouts. Also, your abs are only part of your core; your back is just as important as your abs in terms of core strength. If you are a member at a gym, sign up for a couple sessions with one of the trainers and ask them to teach you these lifts so you can do them safely and in a combination that will hit all your muscle groups. If you’re already doing these lifts and are experiencing pain, again, a personal trainer could help identify what specifically is going on (maybe improper form, maybe you need to do more of X and less of Y, etc.). I know you said you want to delay bringing in the pros, but you definitely should have pro guidance when starting a weightlifting program if you don’t have experience with these kinds of moves. If you don’t want to jump into weight lifting, I would recommend yoga or pilates 2-3 times per week; lots of free videos available online.

    4. Restore Your Core by Lauren Ohayan. Most of it is a program you need to buy, but she does have some free stuff on YouTube and IG.

    5. Look up PT exercises for sciatica relief. Also stretch more, usually where there is pain there is weakness and tightness.

    7. I like nourish move love on youtube.

      Hip and lower back pain can also result from glute or hip mobility issues. So if you really hate “core” specific exercise, you can probably do something that is more whole body.

  14. Do you think it’s ableist to advocate for technologies that “cure” disabilities (like advanced treatments to restore hearing) or for research into what could prevent conditions like autism? I just had an interesting conversation with a friend about this over the holidays that I’m still thinking about. My point of view is that technology and research are very important to reduce preventable physical suffering (for people with disabilities and their families alike), but my friend pointed out that many people today believe the real problems are lack of acceptance and social accommodation. She told me that some autism advocacy organizations have now dropped their focus on prevention in favor of awareness and that they will say things like “autism is a neurotype” instead of a disability. In thinking it over, I don’t really think that’s enough – social acceptance can’t stop the agony and severe limitations of certain conditions and I would want to spare my own child that, for sure. I also know that if I could snap my fingers and make my own chronic condition go away, I would. At the same time, I absolutely do want greater acceptance and services for people with any kind of disability – including an immediate family member of mine. Where do you fall on this?

    1. Re the autism piece, in a world where most people don’t have autism, the world is geared for that, like it or not. It’s not a surface-level difference like hair color or even something like being left-handed (where some things are physically designed with the opposite of you in mind, but it’s generally manageable). It is something that truly sets them outside of many important life things: schooling, secondary education (even if intellectually able to handle), work. Like the life expectancy for autistic adults is decades lower than it is for non-autistic adults. Even family living is affected — my non-autistic child’s ability to have vacations and normal life events is affected by an autistic sibling — do we include? do we not? And what happens if our autistic child outlives us? Is it the sibling’s burden now? If I could, I’d love for them to have a switch to flip that allows them to function without mental or emotional pain in the world they actually live in, because hoping for inclusion or more awareness isn’t IMO a realistic approach to what is actually a big problem.

    2. Isn’t it a disability when the individual can’t hold a job? This doesn’t include everyone in the neurotype.

      ASL language and culture are valuable. But why can’t better cochlear implants be a subject of research? So my BIL can be part of both hearing and deaf culture.

        1. I meant autism is a disability if it prevents the individual from holding a job or otherwise taking care of themselves without a caregiver of some sort. That individual should receive appropriate social welfare benefits accordingly. Not that any person who cants hold a job is automatically disabled (!?). If a person is autistic and functions in society like non-autistic people, e.g., completed schooling, had a job, supports themselves, can advocate for themselves in the healthcare system (haven’t people on this board been identified as autistic as adults?), then I can buy in for autism to be just a different neurotype.

          1. Just because an autistic person can ‘pass’ in that they can function in society does not mean the disability isn’t there.
            Signed mother of an ASD kid who probably has ASD herself.

          2. As a gainfully employeed adult with ADHD and multiple advanced degrees, who still experiences stigma and discrimination due to my learning disability, you may need to listen to more disabled people.

      2. Disability SSI is different than having a disability. Many people with disabilities still work full time! If you’re thinking of disability SSI though, then yes – that’s the social security payment for individuals who are unable to work due to their disability.

    3. Since I’m not disabled I really have no business having an opinion about this, but I know this is a big issue/debate in the Deaf community – seeing deafness as something to be “cured” rather than a unique and distinct culture with its own language and traditions. It could be argued that interventions could be depriving a child of that culture.

      A friend of mine has a nephew who is autistic and I remember when he was diagnosed the whole family treated it as this giant tragedy, like someone had died, and it astonished me. This kid is very high functioning – he’s different, sure, but like you said, the problem isn’t him, it’s society’s failure to accommodate him.

      1. With hearing, the technology also isn’t always imperfect. Last I checked, they can’t always predict who will be able to hear a little better vs. who will now hear incessant loud, high pitched screeching as a long term side effect. You can imagine that some people who drew the short straw wish they’d never tried in the first place (and are horrified at the thought of minors or even their parents not being given a choice if a healthcare system decides to require interventions as a standard of care).

        1. I have a deaf kid with a cochlear implant. It’s important to note that cochlear implants are most effective when implantation is as young as possible (9 months – 1year). Tinnitus is sometimes caused by CIs (especially in older populations) but is also sometimes cured by CIs.

          A lot of discussion of Deaf culture is driven by Deaf people who come from Deaf families. 90% of kids born with hearing loss are born to parents with no family history of hearing loss.

          My kid can throw her cochlear implant away on her 18th birthday and I will not care. But right now she’s 3, hitting all verbal milestones, loves to talk and sing (!!!) and is on track to learn how to read – which is something that’s exceedingly hard when ASL is your first language and English is your second. I’m so glad she has the opportunity to hear.

          1. I’m glad she has that opportunity too. Maybe it’s not the “right” thing in some people’s minds but it sounds like it’s the right thing to me.

          3. +1 to both your comments about deaf culture being mainly within families with several generations of deafness, which does not account for most deaf individuals and for your comment that many people who’s first language is ASL cannot read. Listening is SUCH a huge part of language comprehension, and ASL and English are such different languages that many individuals who only know ASL struggle with English reading / writing, which obviously massively limits them.

            One time at work we had a client who was deaf and did not have an interpreter. We literally could not communicate with him as he couldn’t read or write English. This was in a Red Cross shelter, so not being able to communicate important updates was extremely difficult. Due to the disaster, it was hard to get an interpreter on site. We did a huge disservice to this individual, but we were also doing the best we could.

    4. I don’t see why they have to be mutually exclusive. We can work to cure / eradicate / improve the lives of those with various conditions while also improving acceptance and access.

      Even with access to services and social acceptance, it’s still challenging to live with XYZ condition. Of course these services may improve one’s quality of life, but it’s still challenging.

      I have a few friends and relatives who developed disabilities as adults. While they’re grateful fit the assistance they do have, they’d also do just about anything to return to their previous state of health. For example, I have a friend who is going blind. She’s lost a lot of vision already (she can’t drive anymore , for example) and she will be totally, 100% blind in about a decade. Assistive technology is great, access to services that previously didn’t exist before us great, access to Ubers is helpful, but she’s still somewhat limited and will only continue to become more limited as her condition progresses. My uncle in his early 70s has extreme hearing loss, he’s had a hearing aid for years now but his hearing loss is becoming so severe he struggles even with his hearing aid. He can hardly participate in conversations anymore, and it’s impacting his relationships and his cognitive ability. He’s also had to stop doing some beloved hobbies because it’s no longer safe for him to do them / it’s harder to enjoy them with his hearing loss. Physically he’s in great health, and so far he’s doing okay cognitively but it’s known that his hearing loss will impact his cognitive function. Hes had the hearing loss since childhood, but I feel like I’ve watched him age 20 years in the past year as it’s gotten so much worse.

      Vision and hearing issues aren’t disabilities that are generally seen as needing acceptance or visibility, so yes it’s different than discussing other types of disabilities. But, on the flip side, since it’s not something that is fighting for acceptance, it just highlights the importance of treating / curing these types of medical issues while also providing widespread services for those who have these disabilities.

      1. I wish signing were just part of the curriculum.

        Noise in public spaces can be loud enough to damage hearing (it’s on us to know this and wear protection, and we often don’t; I essentially never see parents protecting their children’s hearing whether from performances or construction or leaf blowers), and hearing loss by some age is regarded as a certainty rather than as a risk. It’s like we neither mitigate the risk nor prepare for it, but just ignore it until it affects us!

        1. While adding ASL to the curriculum would be nice, how many adults remember enough from whatever language they studied in school to use it as adults? ASL is its own language, with different grammar and syntax than English, it’s not as simple as just knowing the signs for a few words.

          As for the comment above about deaf culture, I know losing that culture is a real concern of the deaf community. But, my uncle and others like him are in a weird limbo – he has significantly less hearing than the “normal” loss of hearing as you age, but did not grow up deaf and thus doesn’t know ASL, isn’t connected to the deaf culture / community, and isn’t all that interested in adopting that now in his 70s.

          I work with an individual who has been completely deaf since birth and we employ one full time and one part time interpreter for him as a reasonable accommodation. It’s always a learning curve for new employees to learn how to talk with someone who uses an interpreter (talk to the person, not their interpreter). Schools could definitely teach this as a lesson without providing full on ASL instruction.

          1. I was imagining that people could be signing throughout life (it’s frequently helpful! especially vs. shouting) if it were universally learned and practiced? I thought there had been bilingual sign/speech communities before, though I can imagine that there would still be huge fluency gaps with a language like ASL.

            I haven’t seen the skill of interacting with interpreters come up in this context, but I have seen it come with international researchers, and of course it comes up in medical and legal settings. I can see that introducing people to the norms in school could be helpful.

    5. I find this debate infuriating because the answer is so obvious that we need both. I have a disability that causes a great deal of pain and discomfort that no accommodation can relieve, while medical treatments have helped significantly. But accommodations are also critical, both for me and for other types of disabilities and I understand why some people feel like they don’t need to be “fixed.” So I don’t even understand why this is an argument.

    6. Be aware that autism prevention research can mean research into prenatal testing with the goal of selective termination. That is really different from researching things like whether taking Tylenol or catching COVID can increase the risk of autism in a pregnancy that’s genetically susceptible!

      My view is that social acceptance isn’t enough, but also that the medical model fails without it. Disabled patients for example are stigmatized, resented, underdiagnosed, and undertreated in healthcare and experience a lot of preventable physical suffering already. So for example, without acceptance and awareness, an autistic patient with endometriosis or thyroid disease or Celiac or MS or mitochondrial disease or connective tissue disorder will go longer without ever being taken seriously by a doctor, let alone tested or treated, compared to an abled patient. The doctor was taught that autistic patients’ symptoms shouldn’t be taken as seriously because they may reflect sensory processing disorder, hypervigilance, somaticization, or stress, but often was not taught much about the medical conditions that disproportionately accompany autism, and was probably taught literally nothing about cases where autistic patients may have different and misleading test results. If the patient does not self-identify as autistic and chooses not to share these records, they’re still not taken seriously because of their misunderstood affect (which can be misread as la belle indifference or lead to suspicion of malingering or personality disorder).

      I also think that the social model of disability needs to be taken more seriously when it comes to mental health and school. School attendance substantially increases the risk of pediatric suicide, but often this is viewed exclusively in terms of a mental health crisis (pathologizing the children) rather than as a societal failure to provide an inclusive and appropriate educational environment. If a student’s mental illness can be cured by an alternative educational arrangement (which certainly happens), I think that’s an example of where the social model can get us farther than the medical model. Schools weren’t originally designed to be inclusive and didn’t originally have to accommodate outlier students, so they’re currently trying to retrofit without adequate funding and without evidence that conventional classroom education is even safe and appropriate for every student.

      I don’t want to summarize the issues with hearing aids because it is such a huge topic, but there is a lot to learn in this area too. The public health program at my university was thoroughly ableist; they taught that children with sensory impairments were developmentally defective and just worse in nearly every way (behavior, academic performance, everything), but a lot of the studies they relied on didn’t provide needed accommodations while testing and didn’t control for communication barriers to upbringing (able-bodied parents sometimes decline to accommodate disabled children by communicating with them in a mode they can understand) or the effects of discrimination in home and school environments. They also didn’t seek out areas of strength as compared to abled children (even though it’s true that people with sensory impairments sometimes develop stronger abilities in remaining senses). So we need the research itself to be informed by the social model of disability or it will be misleading.

      And we need to act on what we already know! A lot of times it feels like we’re saying “we need a cure for Celiac because parents and school cafeterias just keep feeding kids gluten and they experience failure to thrive and a plethora of deficiencies and symptoms and even increased rates of cancer.” I really want a cure for Celiac! But I’m also glad to live in a country where we stop feeding the kids gluten in the meantime. That kind of accommodation isn’t happening for every diagnosis and disability currently.

      1. E.g., my kid’s school requires 4 sports practices a week or you get benched. My kid with autism can do the sport (running, so everyone gets to run, unless benched), but gets overwhelmed and needs more down time to cope with school, so missing practices has to happen. And kiddo needs some re-direction sometime due to ADHD (is otherwise in “regular” classes with A/B grades with no accommodations other than a quiet room for testing). Coach has kicked her off the team, is verbally irritated at having to deal with her, IDK what we will do next year. For her spirit, running is so good. And yet, this coach is not. And he insists that no IEP or ADA thing applies — his team / his rules in a public school.

        1. Wow, what a vile person. I’m sorry your kid had to deal with that. I hope she can find happiness in running outside of school.

        2. That definitely sounds like potential violation of the ADA to me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, that sucks.

        4. Kicking her off the team and being verbally irritated are definitely a problem, but every sports team I have played on and my kids have played on has a standard and if you don’t meet it you don’t get to compete. Could the school sponsor intramural teams or other options for kids who aren’t able to commit to an interscholastic sport?

        5. I agree that the coach sounds terrible–this kind of rigidity, running of a team like a fiefdom, and belief that he doesn’t have to follow the law, is terrible for all students, with and without disabilities.

          Anon at 10:45 am, if it wouldn’t be too burdensome too you (and I totally get if it is –I have to consciously not pursue things that could be helpful to others because one can’t do everything), I encourage you to file a complaint with your school district.

      2. We already have testing for selective termination of disabling conditions. And those terminations occur regularly, and most women here support that.

        1. Okay. It’s still meaningful to distinguish “preventing full blown autism spectrum disorder in the genetically susceptible” from “preventing autistic people from existing around us in society.” For example, if we’re allocating dollars, many existing autistic people could benefit from research into the former but not the latter!

        2. Yes, and that is largely ableist. Only certain children deserve to exist. Like Iceland aiming to “eradicate Down syndrome.” No, they are eliminating people

          1. I’m the commenter at 11:04, and that’s my view too…but it’s an unpopular one here.

          2. If you think that’s ableist, fine. But the reality is that we live in a resource-constrained world, and parents should be able to have the relevant information they need to understand and CHOOSE what they are willing to take on. Personally, I think it’s incredibly privileged to say that parents making that choice are wrong/ableist. Having a child with a significant disability is emotionally, financially, and even physically intensive – and something that not everyone has the resources to cope with.

          3. I see your point to an extent. Still I feel like people must make similar arguments about sex selection. “Well it’s not right, but sons are just more valuable since they earn more and have more rights in society… Why sign up a child for a life of hardship?” Etc. And any dependent can end up disabled at any time, so it’s not realistically something people can just opt out of.

            Obviously there are different kinds of disability! But that’s partly what the OP’s question was about. If the disability is, for example, “they’re pretty much fine with work, school, and activities of daily living, except they will never be able to drive,” that’s an example of a disability that might be pretty distressing in one community and barely noticed in another one.

    7. Oooh this is a major bioethics rabbit hole. Check out the work of Joe Stramondo, who is a prof at San Diego State (and a personal friend). I’m pretty sure he is actively writing a book about this very topic. He & his family were also both featured in “Far from the tree”- he and his wife both have dwarfism and they have two “normal” kids.

      1. Far From the Tree is one of the best books I’ve ever read … so profoundly moving.

    8. Autism is a spectrum. I attended an Ivy where my roommate was that spectrum, and she’s fortunate to have no problems holding a job or succeeding. Did she sometimes miss social cues? Did she not get sarcasm sometimes? Yes…but don’t we all have situations like that? Plenty of neurotypical people are huge jerks, miss social cues, command conversations…Who is to say she needs a cure or to be “like the rest of us”?

      The problem with “curing” autism is saying there’s a perfect neurological standard. Who is a perfect person? What would that look like?

      It’s a dangerous, slippery slope. My mom was a special educator. She had kids throughout spectrum, from nonverbal to high performers. from kids who had meltdowns because they could feel their sock seam to kids who could recite bus schedules going anywhere in the city on command. If you’ve met 1 person with autism, youve met 1 person. Also, she had neurotypical kids with oppositional defiance disorder who were the most difficult. Why just “cure” the ASD kids?

      1. The problem is that the high-performing kids with autism (who can go to school, hold down jobs, live independently) dominate the narrative. I read a very good piece by a mom of two kids who have autism about how severe, disruptive, and dangerous behaviors in the kids who are most affected are never being talked about. It’s not all quirky geniuses – some kids scream at the top of their lungs all day, physically fight their mothers, or bang their heads into the wall repeatedly. They can never live independently or pursue dreams. It has to be okay to say that that isn’t the life we want for our kids.

        1. This is one reason why I support the medical model so strongly. Medical treatment can make the difference between screaming, fighting, banging heads into the walls vs. going to school and holding down jobs for some. Maybe it would make the difference for more if we invested more in medical research.

        2. Yeah, my nephew is on the spectrum, and while not the most profoundly impacted, he definitely does not have, for lack of a better word, TikTok-friendly autism. He is not a quirky genius; he’s not normal-except-misses-social-cues; he doesn’t have an amazing grasp of facts about Thing X. He is capable of such sweetness (especially with younger children and animals), and great at coming up with jokes, and I love spending time with him. But he will never be able to live independently, he cannot toilet or take care of daily hygiene on his own (he’s a tween), and aspects of his autism mean that a variety of normal life tasks are dangerous for him. I hate that the world values him less than kids without autism (and frankly, less than it values the “autism is my superpower,” more “normal” autistic people). I had how absolutely uncaring and insensitive and awful people can be. There are many, VERY easy things that could be done to make a range of life experiences more accommodating to him and getting them to be done is often so much harder than it should be. I want a society that makes room for him. I also want medical advances that could prevent or treat his condition.

        3. Anon from 10:59 here – kids who become adults that can’t live and function independently aren’t limited to people with ASD. That’s why I noted my mom had kids who weren’t autistic (particularly ODD kids) who had huge meltdowns and often had to attend alternative schools. But I don’t hear advocacy to “cure” other developmental and behavioral disorders like I do with ASD.

          My mom worked in both the public schools as well as alternative residential schools. Residential schools aren’t only filled with autistic kids, and kids in those schools usually go on to live in group homes as adults, which similarly aren’t only filled with nonverbal ASD individuals.

          1. Also should say a lot of ODD/conduct disorder/etc kids end up incarcerated as adults…

          2. Yeah, I have a sibling who has mental illness and can’t function but they don’t have autism.

          3. My sibling dropped out of high school and has never worked. They did get their GED, which was a huge step. They’re mid-30s and receiving SSI…and not autistic. They have physical and mental health issues.

      2. Really excellent points, I agree. Who is to say what is normal? I’d argue that many of the geniuses who impacted the world (Einstein, Mozart, etc) weren’t “normal.”

    9. I strongly recommend checking out what Freddie deBoer has written on this issue. The short version is that this argument advantages people with the mildest forms of their conditions at the expense of those with the severest forms. The autism spectrum, for example, includes Elon Musk and it includes people who are nonverbal, self-harm, and will never live independently. Mentally ill people range from me, with anxiety that is controlled with CBT and medication, to people with psychosis who scream racist obscenities on street corners and strip off their clothes in sub-freezing weather. Acceptance is vital, but it’s not a solution for those who suffer intensely from their conditions, or their families.

      2. I work as an educational psychologist and this is exactly it. The true toll is obscured by the attention provided to those who are the least impaired.

    10. mom to an autistic son who is above average intelligence but probably will not work (but he’s 9 so, knock on wood) — the huge problem with autism research is that ALL of the money was going towards prenatal detection, which amounts to eugenics… meanwhile research/money into ways to help autistics live their lives as fully as possible has been much less. (don’t get me started on ABA sucking money and energy out of everyone too.)

      autism speaks had its core goal to “cure autism” until as recently as 2016… it’s like telling my son he shouldn’t exist, he is broken and needs to be fixed. i wish there were things that made his perseverations and his anxiety better, but autism is like intelligence, it’s a huge part of everything he is… he is and will always be autistic.

      1. Sometimes there are things that can help; even though it doesn’t get enough funding, there is research into medical comorbidities and how to address them. (Unfortunately it’s sometimes preliminary and inconclusive and doesn’t make it into medical guidelines because not enough money is spent to take it that far!)

    12. I think it’s ableist to advocate AGAINST research funding to alleviate a disability they will never personally experience.

    13. I really appreciate people sharing their perspective, very insightful reading all the responses.
      I personally see some parallels to other issues where medical/technological advances has opened up additional options, and there is a danger that not availing yourself of that ‘modern’ option results in judgement from others. I think part of this is correlation, not causation.
      Someone who is unwilling to make accommodations for disabled people may justify this by thinking there is a treatment, regardless of whether it is effective or accessible for all. And if there isn’t a treatment, that person will still argue that our collective resources should go towards developing treatments rather than rebuilding structural frameworks. But if you tend to judge people for making different choices than you would, I think that is a fundamental personality trait, it’s not something caused by the availability of some technological advancement. You look outwards, never inwards, for how to solve a challenge. A lack of empathy is not fixed by the next technological breakthrough, and I say that as a STEM person.

      1. Thanks for these thoughts. I have a condition that limits physical activity that can sometimes be put into remission with a medications or surgical procedures that also carry certain substantial risks. I haven’t yet been willing to try everything or risk everything to have a normal level of ability since I’m not suffering, but I am less capable than if I achieved remission and of course there are health risks to low activity too. It’s tricky to think about sometimes.

    15. There’s been a lot of conversation about lifelong disabilities like autism. Any one of us can become disabled at any time. All it takes is an accident to experience a life-changing disability. I had a friend in college who became a wheelchair user due to an accident. I think she needed acceptance and accommodation just as much, if not more, than being “cured”. She got really frustrated that her family kept wanting her to try experimental treatments that left her exhausted and in pain, versus brainstorming ways to accommodate and support her life as the new normal.

    16. I don’t think it’s ableist because there are SOME disabilities that can at least be reduced or mitigated due to funding preventive practice or medical technologies. Certainly, educating women on the use of alcohol has reduced disability from fetal alcohol syndrome. Same with smoking or drugs or other disability that might involve behaviors. I think you do have to be cognizant though of the ableist tone with genetic disorders that are more a result of chance.

    1. Wow, thank you for sharing this. I’ve been struggling with loneliness as it feels like friendships are fading and this really spoke to me. Related, does anyone else feel like if you didn’t make the effort, you would never see your friends? I’m always the one reaching out, checking in, trying to make plans. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would ever hear from them. It’s really tiring and hurtful.

      1. I feel this way and I just do because having friends is so important for well-being. Even though I feel like I make the effort to reach out more often, I do try to notice that when I do my friends do ask me about what is going on in my life, etc. So while I do the initiating I feel like it’s well received and I try to focus on that.

      2. OP here, and yes. And I’ve pulled back on initiating social meet ups because it’s unbelievably frustrating when things constantly fall through, and it was very hard to not take it personally after awhile. I started that about a year ago, maybe? And while it makes me feel somewhat better to not deal with the admin details, I am starting to feel the loneliness. I really don’t know what the answer is.

        1. Yes, I wrote about flakiness below before I read your post. It’s so frustrating! All the solidarity with you on that front.

    2. That “friction” piece speaks to me. I find that I’m less tolerant of friction myself and I see the same thing in my friends. It takes active effort now to fight against it and to tell myself that seeing friends does require changing what I might have originally planned and it might take a while and there could be traffic and all of that.

    3. Great article; thanks for sharing. I was just thinking about this subject this weekend, as I realized that so many of my in person social interactions are now gone, and I hate it. I work from home, my kids are in college so no more sports/play dates/school events/interacting with other parents, my friendships have dwindled (not sure why), I live in another state then my family. It is why I am lonely!

    4. The pandemic certainly hurt some of my long term friendships. It’s been harder for me to make new friends, though I have made a couple. My suggestion, get a dog, walk your dog, talk to other dog owners! Easy casual friendships than can blossom into better friendships.

      But the thing that has hurt a lot of my friendships is flakiness. I don’t know why flakiness has been on the rise for several years (sometimes under the guise of “self care”) but it’s really hard to maintain friendships with people who just don’t show up when you have plans. :(

      1. The flakiness is out of control. I think because it’s so easy to just shoot off a text canceling, it doesn’t feel real, you’re just talking to a screen, you know?

      2. Flakiness has severely hurt my friendships. It’s even worse in the post-pandemic era.

    5. I also need to do a rant. I made a lot of long term friendships deepen and stick by joining people for those drinks after work. They started as work friends and none of us work at the same place anymore, but they’re still friends.

      My rant is, once young women have their first kid, they stop doing any after work socializing. I managed a large department, and at 4:30 on the dot all the moms of babies and young children grabbed the breast pump and their laptop and headed out that door, because they had to pick their kids up from daycare or relieve the nanny.

      I blame the husbands/dads. Lots of the young men in my department were new dads, and none of them worried about leaving at a certain time, and lots of them socialized after work. I also don’t have to point out that networking means more promotion possibilities, and that worked in favor of the men too.

      It just bums me out that in our supposedly enlightened times, women are still doing the majority of the parenting drudgery, and where are these feminist men who think of themselves as equal partners? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had a young man tell complain to me that he had to “babysit” for a few hours when it was his own child. Parent. You have to parent your own child. The default assumption is that childcare is the mom’s job. Still. Ugh.

      1. Hey, did it ever occur to you that after a day of working, these women just want to be with the kids they’ve been away from all day? Because your second paragraph definitely would’ve described me during the baby and toddler and even preschool years, and it wasn’t because my husband wasn’t contributing enough. It’s because I missed my kids like crazy and wanted to be with them, not my coworkers, no matter how lovely they were. I did come back around; it was truly a stage in life thing.

        And omg, pumping is the literal worst, and most of the time, a night out isn’t worth the hassle until you’re no longer tethered to a pump.

          1. They don’t. Not to be too reductive, but there can be real biological wiring at play for women in the postpartum phase. Are some dads deadbeats who put way too much on their partners? Absolutely. But in my experience, it’s just not always that simple in the early days. Many of my friends felt the same way.

          2. Also, not to beat a dead horse here, but women often deal with guilt about being away from their kids way, way more than men do. In an ideal world, we would all react the same way to happy hour with the coworkers but that is not the reality I’ve experienced nor witnessed.

          3. Unless you believe Greg Focker in Meet the Parents about milking anything with n!pples, they don’t have to pump….

            But fyi for Reasons my husband did all mornings from wake up to day care drop off with our two babies by himself and I did all pick ups. I could occasionally ask him to do a pick up, but I could never return the favor and do a morning to make up for it, so it actually wasn’t fair to *him* to do that too many times. Given that, they had to be kind of big things – not random happy hours, no matter how much I liked the folks involved. I’m sure whoever saw me racing out every day didn’t know all this, you never know what people’s arrangements are.

            Now that we are past the baby/toddler years this dynamic has changed for a variety of reasons, those are just hard years for everyone.

      2. I wholly agree with you and this is excellent advice. In my 30s I was just trying to breath. It was overwhelming because I didn’t have a supportive partner. I had 3 children in less than 5 years. I let the opportunity to do an MBA pass me by, which would have been very valuable as I completed my undergraduate education in Europe.

        Knowing what I know now, I’d have had no more than one child with him and divorced the manchild. The impact to my career was massive and impacted my ability to parent.

      3. See if you can join your mom friends at the park on the weekend with her kids. They will be happy to have an adult to talk to while the kids are running around the playground.

  16. My friends keep whining about how hard being mommies is and how they never get time just as a couple and how hard it is not having nearby family. Their kid is 20 months old. So I texted and offered to babysit one night near Valentine’s Day so they could go out to a local dinner together (and specified local because I felt more comfortable with them being nearby for a first time). The response? Oh that’s sweet but we prefer to use professional babysitter.

    Like ok ladies do you but parents started paying me to watch toddlers at 13, if you don’t want a village to help you stop whining about it then.

    1. Ugh, I understand your pain. I have a close friend who repeatedly (as in, almost weekly) bemoans the lack of local family to provide free babysitting but when help is offered when available, she will hover constantly (so not take a break) or reject it completely. In her case, I actually feel more bad for her than annoyed because I think she’s fallen into the “no one can do it as well as I can” trap thanks to her crappy husband. But still.

      1. When my youngest was in kindergarten, he made a new friend in his class. He talked about this kid all the time at home. So I called this kid’s mom from the class contact list and asked her for a playdate with her kid. He had never been on a playdate! I had to explain what it was. Finally we settled on meeting at the playground on the school campus. She showed up with her son and then hovered. I finally told her – hey, go get lunch or get your nails done or something! Take a break! That’s what playdates are for. I’ve got this.

        She came back with a new manicure and a big smile on her face. She’d never had a manicure before! The boys had a blast.

        There are moms out there who really don’t know how much community is available to them. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Modern motherhood can be really isolating. It may take some convincing to make them take you up on it, but keep offering, kind-hearted people!

    2. Heard. I was put in charge of every kid within five blocks, plus a few others, when I was in middle and high school. Since then I’ve been CPR certified, learned to cook, gotten a law degree, a driver’s license, and a cell phone, bought a house, and handled multiple crises of different kinds, and suddenly I am not qualified to hold a baby. Best of luck. I don’t actually want to babysit in my limited free time anyway, I am just trying to be extremely kind and generous.

      1. I have kids in their early 20s now. I would love to babysit some little ones. I offer all the time. What I would give to hold a baby for a few hours! And my daughter, who is an experienced nanny, would be here to help! She’s all in on this. But no one has ever taken me up on it. I don’t know how to let people know that I’m serious.

        I really do think it’s hard for people to accept favors from non relatives. If they hired a sitter for what I’m offering, it could easily be $100+. But I do think they feel awkward about it.

        1. Hey I will give a real life example. A woman I know professionally has a special needs (neuro spicy) kid who at the time was elementary school aged. I was at a work dinner and she was telling me how hard it is that she and her husband never have any alone time. They haven’t spend a night without their kid since he was born. I said “go away for the weekend and he can come stay with me.” I don’t think she believed me. I kept insisting it would be Ok. My kids at the time were 4-6 years older than her kid. I said they’d help me, as would my husband, so it would be all four of us.

          I saw her the next day, not at dinner, and said, “I’m serious.”

          So she kept checking with me and finally she scheduled a weekend trip (not too far away) with her husband. They dropped the kid off Saturday morning and picked him up Saturday evening. He was great! We had to keep him busy so we had a packed weekend with long walks and drives to local parks and restaurants. He played video games with my son and was so excited a big kid was interested in talking to him. I would say he even had a more exciting weekend than the parents did – at least from his perspective :)

          I never had anyone to take my kids overnight when they were little. I don’t live near family, and when I did visit family, they basically said no. So twice, and I remember this vividly, friends offered to take them for a night. Both times, my husband and I went to a hotel and made the most of it. No one woke us up in the middle of the night. It was bliss! That’s what made me offer what I did to my work acquaintance. It’s so hard for some people to find anyone to offer.

          For those of you who keep getting rebuffed, maybe make sure they know you’re serious. But if they really don’t want to take you up on your kindness, I guess they’ve built their own prison.

          1. As the mom of a neuro spicy kid, I can say that you gave your friend a real gift. When your kid is challenging, it can be even harder to take people up on their offers to help because YOU KNOW it can all go south very quickly. And that can strain a relationship or make it awkward for everyone.

    4. Eh, if you come across in real life the way you come across on this post (mean) then I understand why the parents turned down your offer. Have you spent time with their child? Know the bedtime routine? I completely understand wanting to pay a babysitter instead of a “friend” who doesn’t seem to like them very much.

      1. It doesn’t sound mean to me. I would be annoyed in OP’s shoes too.

        I’m a mom but one of my biggest pet peeves is moms who won’t accept any help or overly critique any help they receive (in some cases, this includes “help” from their own husbands) and then whine about how they have to do everything. It’s Mommy Martyr syndrome and it’s not cute.

      2. No obviously not. Come on. I am clearly venting here. I see them and their kid all the time. I’m as capable of reading instructions with a bedtime routine as the “professional” they hire from Care.com

      3. +1, that was my thought too.
        There is a lot of nuance here. I would feel uncomfortable having a friend baby sit, and we use outside babysitters all the time so it’s not that. It’s the dynamic of having to give you my friend detailed instructions like you are an employee (a 20 month old still requires a lot of pretty detailed instructions), feeling like I owed you, being worried about how late we are and intruding on your night vs paying someone to intrude on their night, etc etc. And none of that sounds like an insurmountable deal I know, but as a parent sometimes it comes down to, is a dinner out really worth this scenario?

        That being said, agreed after giving that offer she hopefully has the wherewithal to stop complaining about this topic so much around you, even though I still think it can be valid despite your offer (even if she took you up on it, it’s not like that was going to be some consistent reliable on-call type of arrangement that is really what’s needed to “feel” like you have control over when you can actually get away when something comes up on a specific date).

        It was nice of you to offer.

        1. Just consider whether your stance is closing you off from people who love you. Or stop whining. Is all I ask.

          1. +1

            I always tell people you can make any decision you want, you just have to live with the consequences. So, you cannot refuse offers of help and then be surprised when people no longer want to spend time with you because you keep complaining about having too much to do. Accept the help, come up with an alternative, or stop complaining.

            AND OP mentioned below she’s in the IVF process – please DONT complain to people struggling with infertility about how hard it is being a parent.

        2. I try really hard to not talk about challenging aspects /complain about being a mom to anyone who is not also a parent. But I will say this, I have two sets of local grandparents who love to babysit. And I STILL feel guilty about asking them to watch my objectively easy 4.5 year old who loves his grandparents and follows all of their rules without question… they each live about 20-30 minutes away and I feel bad about them driving that distance, especially at night, giving up their time where they could be with friends (all are retired and have very active social calendars), and the fact that it’s honestly a little morning for them to just watch TV or sit in our house after my son goes to bed at 7:00. I think your friend should he complain to you, and you are a very generous person to offer this, and they should especially not complain after this offer has been made. However, the thought process I described above, as well as the post I replied to, might be a little bit of why she turned down your offer.

          1. Maybe work on those feelings though? You’re making a barrier that isn’t real. That’s a choice.

          2. I mean, don’t ask them to babysit all the time but why can’t you ask each set maybe once a month? You get two free nights out, they get to hang out with their grandkid one on one, and you’re not burdening them by asking too too often?

          3. If on a weeknight, could your son sleepover at his grandparents’ house? When I was a kid my grandparents never, ever babysat us at our house, if they were watching us it was a sleepover. That way, they didn’t have to drive home at night, they could do whatever they wanted after we went to bed, and my parents could stay out as late as needed. We started these sleepovers as babies, so there was never any adjustment period. My grandparents had pretty active social calendars, but as long as my parents’ got us on the schedule early enough it was fine. And, I remember a few times we were babysat by my grandparents and they either hosted a dinner party (we got to show their friends our “grandparents house” toys!!) or they went to one (and we had to entertain ourselves for a bit – which was boring but totally fine; in fact I think it’s healthy for this to happen!).

            I know we ate more ice cream and watched more movies than we would have at home, but I have so many fond memories of those sleepovers as an adult.

          4. I’m anon at 12:20. I am for sure creating a barrier, the guilt is on me. We do get a once a month date night. It’s just not as seamless as I want it. I don’t want to have to ask, because it feels intrusive. I just want the grandparents to offer so I know that it’s not a burden on them. I fully recognize that’s not how it works (and it seems even more ridiculous as I type it out). That feeling is on me. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty about it.

        3. but the parental anxiety you just outlined in your comment, what function does it serve you? What function does it serve your friendship with a person who is trying to be part of your tribe?

          Us childless friends are just asking you to let it go. have fun. Your kids will survive, n’est-ce pas?

          and also a rhetorical Q (I know emotional labor gets fired-up comments both ways here) but would a male spouse truly run down that laundry list of issues in your comment? or would he say, sweet, offer to free babysit. Here’s the diapers, food is here. LFG.

        4. I know there is a lot of personal experience projecting going on here, but just to answer the ones projected at me:

          1) We actually go out a lot (for parents), and generally don’t have anxiety about leaving our kids, I never said that – in fact that’s why I made the point that we get outside baby sitters all the time. I promise us not using our friends as sitters is not closing off anyone.

          2) I was simply outlining why we would not generally use a friend for a sitter, to offer that perspective to OP. It has nothing to do with me not trusting the friend, but everything to do with in my view the awkwardness of mingling a friend’s help with what I view as a paid job. Just like others might be reluctant to use a good friend as a realtor or contractor, because of the potential awkwardness. I promise my husband would feel the same way, it’s not child care anxiety.

          3) I didn’t mean my comment that the dinner wasn’t worth it as meaning we don’t go out. We generally get our kicks from going to concerts and such, or using our time out as a way to connect with other friends since me and my husband see each other all day every day (but meeting up with others would be a whole other layer to add on to the awkwardness of a friend sitting). Just for some people dinner alone together by itself might be viewed as kind of “eh, not worth it” if the offer comes with awkwardness on their end.

          4) I’m not whining to any of my friends about this. Which is why I noted in the second paragraph that hopefully her friend does at least stop the whining. Just trying to add some perspective that the two things (friend offering sitting and what mom friend is whining about) aren’t necessarily equatable.

          That’s all! I’m sure these responses will be picked apart too, ha!

    5. That was a kind offer and weird response. I would pick a trusted friend over a “professional” every time, especially for just one kid (1:1 is easy supervision…I admit I have some reservations about leaving three kids with one person sometimes.) But when you are new parents of one toddler you can get very in your head about it, and they are probably anxious about leaving kiddo. I look back now and wished I’d taken better advantage of the free time while having one toddler, it seems like a cake walk in retrospect :)

    6. Ugh this is me, I always complain about the lack of village but I also don’t trust anyone except husband and daycare with my child.

      3. For me it’s more about a worst case scenario. If a paid professional was watching my kid when something terrible happened, I could blame them forever and never see them again. But if a friend or family member was watching my kid and something bad happened — even if it were something that would have been just as likely if I’d been watching my kid — I just don’t know that I would be rational enough to get over it and not let it hurt the relationship on some level?

        1. That’s a level of anxiety that seems like it will hold back both you and your children.

        3. I was the family member (teenager at the time) who had an accident happen on her watch.

          Basically, the kid loved to do these leaps on and off a couch that was next to a fireplace, and kid’s mother laughed it off. (Mother is a weirdly reckless person.) Kid was (and is) an arrogant jerk, who thinks that she is above everyone else and doesn’t have to listen to anyone. Kid’s father would be stern about the acrobatics and try to tamp down on it. He believed it was an accident waiting to happen.

          I was babysitting her and watched a movie with her. On several occasions, she would start jumping and I had to grab her hips and sit her down on the couch. She got hungry; I got up to get her snack; she immediately resumed the gymnast routine, flew off the edge of the couch, and slammed into the fireplace. She needed stitches but was thankfully otherwise okay.

          “You put my daughter in the hospital!” And it wasn’t the father (who thought it was an accident waiting to happen) who said that to me.

    7. I would be pretty annoyed at this friend. You were kind enough to give up your free time to babysit their kid so they could enjoy a night out and get shut down. I have a hard time listening to parents complain about being a parent and the choices that they made. Yes I know being a parent is hard which is why I’m not doing it. I would probably not indulge this friend anymore or listen to them complain and if they do bring it up, I’d remind them of my prior offer, which is no longer on the table.

      1. They know I’m doing IVF, and making this offer in between egg retrieval and hopeful transfer.

        2. Wow, you are a saint! And I do not mean that sarcastically. I’m also going through IVF and there’s no way I could babysit for a friend right now. I feel like infertility has turned me into a terrible person.

          1. +1 I have not struggled with fertility but have friends who did and they really struggled (understandably!) with being around babies. You’re amazing for offering to babysit while going through IVF.

          2. I volunteered to go help my best friend with her newborn (she lives a 2.5 hour flight away) for a weekend. I’ve had two back-to-back miscarriages and I’m now regretting the offer, honestly. I’m going to muscle through but it feels like dangerous ground.

          3. Hug from an internet stranger. That wasn’t my cross to bear and zero judgement from me about how you are handling it.

          4. 12:14 I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Hopefully this will also be some restorative time for you, and your best friend can be someone to listen to and comfort you about your experiences while the baby is asleep.

      2. I’m a parent and I also have a hard time listening to people complain. Commiserating with a close friend, or swapping tales and advice with people at the same life stage is one thing; frequent complaining is different. And the more you focus on the perceived negatives of your life/kids, the bigger they seem and more they distort your view. Honestly, getting off parenting social media is the best way to like your family! Everyone needs to vent sometimes, but pick your venue wisely

    8. I’ve learned that people just like to complain and all they’re looking from me is to nod and commiserate. I have a friend whose parents live with them, whose MIL also offer to stay and help with the newborn, but she would rather hire a nanny because nannies follow her exact instructions as opposed to grandmothers who do things their own way. She complains every day about how hard it is, how no one in the family does things the way she wants them, so she takes on everything herself. It is what is is, I listen and nod and say the occasional, yeah that sounds frustrating.

      1. Having known some terrible MILs who don’t believe in things like car seats or safe sleep, I’m not sure I blame your friend.

        1. Agreed, the responses to this post are all implying everything here is black and white between accepting any help or being a martyr, but there is so, so much gray area and nuance that is honestly going to vary family by family. And it’s okay for a mom to turn down certain types of help but also feel like the help she needs is not readily available.

          1. Yes, as I tell friends who are ogre and/new parents (only after they specifically ask me for advice!) “There is a cost to free babysitting.” In my case, I wholly trust my parents with my child, and I know he is safe, happy, loved, well cared for, and having a great time when he is with my parents. However, he’s also watching way, way more tv than he would be at home. If I paid a babysitter, I would expect them to not let him watch that much tv.

          2. Sure. But this post is specifically about a good friend who knows them and their kid babysitting for a few hours while they get dinner nearby.

          3. Thank you. Yes. I have a kid who my friends love, but when he was younger, he was very very hard to manage, behaviorally speaking. I felt very uncomfortable leaving him with people because I never knew if it would turn into a sh!tshow. This was based on other negative experiences with childcare, camps, and other settings. I didn’t need that dynamic brought into my friendships or even relationships with family members. Things were hard enough with paid care.

          4. Okay, sure, but you get the grandparents you get, so don’t spend all your time whining about how they’re not good enough. This goes hand in hand with the friction talked about above. You can’t always get what you want and people seem to have no ability to handle that anymore.

          5. Do my parents do things the way I do them with my kids? No
            Do my parents do anything unsafe or bad? Also no
            But, I know professional babysitters, daycare, and my kids’ future elementary school teachers also don’t / won’t do things the way I do them too. That’s just fine.

            I think it’s really healthy for kids to be exposed to different types of caregiving. As long as it’s safe and caring, it’s only going to make them more resilient and broaden their horizons. I’m also definitely a better mother when I get a break, so the extra hour of screen time they get while at the grandparents’ house, is a very worthy tradeoff for a calmer mom.

            I have a good relationship with my parents (otherwise my kids wouldn’t be babysat by them) and I’m so glad that they’re getting one on one time without me hovering! This lets them really build their relationship, which I love.

          6. interesting – what would you expect the babysitter to do while watching your child?

          7. Yeah when I was a teenage babysitter 10-15 years ago, there was a lot of TV watching. Parents actually encouraged it so their kids wouldn’t be “too much” for the babysitter. Back then babysitting was viewed as finding someone responsible enough to keep your kids alive and cared for, parents weren’t looking for childcare (from grandparents, teenaged neighbors, or professionals) who were going to be picture perfect and plan enriching activities and healthy meals. It was ordering pizza and watching a Disney movie.

            I am in general more laid back than many other moms, but I truly do not care if my kids get an extra 2 hours of screen time when they have a babysitter. I just care that they’re taken care of and I get to go out on a Saturday night.

            This shift to needing “perfect” babysitters has been really hard for us socially. When I was a kid my parents went out on a date or with friends every single Saturday night. I want to have the same set up, but too many of our friends are so incredibly picky about babysitters that they never get them, so then the rare occasion Grandma is trusted to babysit they choose to prioritize a date night (which is fine!) and we have no one to grab dinner with.

            But then again, my kids eat dessert every night, most of their snacks are what I consider “neutral” (neither healthy like an apple or unhealthy like a bag of Doritos, just neutral like pretzels and goldfish..but I learned on the mom’s board these snacks are treats for some kids?!), and get ~ an hour of screen time every day + family movie night on Friday night + NFL football on Sunday.

          9. @Anon at 2:22 – perhaps its a money thing but your friends don’t necessarily want to share that with you? For us, a babysitter every saturday night + the cost of restaurant meals/drinks/movie etc is way prohibitive. It’s very much a once in a while treat. Depending on how close I am with someone, I might not feel comfortable saying that and instead might blame it on something else.

            Now that our kids are older (elementary school), it’s easier to have friends with kids over and just send the kids to play unsupervised while the adults have drinks at home. Or we trade off watching each other’s kids for date nights and life stuff — this weekend a friend took my kid (and hers) to the movies while my husband and I wrestled the cat into the carrier and to the vet (a traumatic experience for all involved).

    9. Thanks y’all appreciate the support. I think I’m already sensitive to the constant whining about how hard being a mom is when they know I’m going through IVF. And we are blessed to be in a relatively warm and Sunny part of the country, if they hadn’t been so prickly I could have also done like a daytime thing and played outside while they got pedicures etc! Oh well.

      1. I hear you, OP. I posted above about helping a friend after having two miscarriages and I think there is a real challenge in the dynamic in these cases. My particular friend enjoys venting as a way to relieve stress and normally that doesn’t bother me, but it’s not a good time for me to hear how her delivery wasn’t the perfect goddess mama moment she wanted. I’m planning to spend as much time as I can outside with her older child so there is less time to vent while I’m there – I know from prior experience that it fills to the time allotted. Best of luck to you on your IVF journey.

      2. Have you told your friends their complaining is bothering you? If not, I’d start there – they may see you as a sympathetic listening ear for vents

    10. You’re a thoughtful friend, but your contempt for their behavior and for ‘mommies’ is starting to overshadow your thoughtfulness here.

      2. Christ, the only people I ever hear refer to grown ass women as “mamas” is other mothers.

    11. I used to find women being martyrs to be super, super triggering. And then I found myself in an overwhelming caregiving situation and guess what I turned into? A total martyr! Not saying it’s a healthy coping mechanism, but it certainly is a common one if you aren’t actively working to avoid it.

    1. No! I would love to receive one! One of my friends sends Valentines cards too (we’re in our 40s) and I love that!

    3. I don’t think it’s ever a bad time to send mail! People enjoy getting these, so I say go for it.

    5. I will say yes. Save your money. I’ve already recycled all our holiday cards and I’d take one glance at a card and immediately toss it now. If it’s an update letter or personalized greeting, that’s a little different and I always love mail, so it’s not like I’d *dislike* getting a photo card now. But I would feel like you spent a lot of time and money for the level of “reception” your cards would receive, if that makes sense

      1. I kind of agree with this even though it sounds grinchy. During the holidays I have them all displayed on this card holder thing, at the end we have whole routine where my husband goes through them all (since I open them all and see them then) and we have brief conversations as he does it about how big so and sos kids have gotten etc, and they are all now recycled. If I get one now it also gets a glance and then immediately recycled, but up to you if you care?

          1. She asked for opinions! I’d still appreciate it as I would any piece of mail, but it’s a lot of money and effort and may not be “worth it”, which is what she is trying to figure out

          2. ? I mean, what else am I supposed to do with them? I’m not going to randomly display them on my refrigerator or something.

          3. I don’t keep cards either, but I take more than a second to actually appreciate them! I don’t view them as just one more piece of junk mail I have to deal with.

        2. This is why I decided a week ago that I was giving up the ghost and not going to order holiday cards. Next year.

      2. I also love fun mail and wouldn’t be mad or anything, but I’ve also already tossed the cards and updated my address book for the year and sent reciprocal cards/added those people to my list. So if any of those things matter to you, I agree it’s bit late.

      3. +1 we decided not to send them for this reason – it felt like they’d just go straight into the trash at this point.

      4. this is a good way to put it. Sending a card in December means it gets opened, displayed, enjoyed for almost a month, but any that arrive now are opened, read & looked at and enjoyed for a minute, then recycled. It’s not that it’s not fun to receive them or that I’m discarding the person, it’s just a lot less festive-fun by the time you’re hitting February delivery.

      5. When I send out cards, I fully expect they will be tossed. I don’t expect anyone to keep it forever. Just trying to say hi!

    6. No! Please do it! I love getting cards from friends; I don’t care when they come. I wish people wouldn’t get so wrapped up in what they think is “normal” for these kinds of social interactions. It’s almost always better to do it than to not do it.

    7. Maybe do them as valentines day cards? I would be happy to receive, but it IS a little late for new year.

  18. Has anyone bought wine glasses lately? Over the holidays I noticed that I don’t have 4 matching unbranded red wine glasses. I several sets of 3 (because I broke one), many branded glasses from tastings, and a bunch of cheap matching glasses suitable-ish for white wine but they are quite small. I think I need a set (of 8? 12?) that I keep in a cupboard somewhere just for company. Recommendations?

    1. Ikea Storsint wine glasses are perfect for this. I was impressed by the quality for the price and they’re easy enough and cheap enough to replace as they break.

    2. Honestly I buy Ikea glasses because they’re cheap and easy to replace when I break them.

        1. I don’t want to sound sanctimonious when I say this: not everyone wants a huge glass of wine every time they drink. I’m good for about 6 oz of wine; for me, that’s enough for a light buzz and not enough to impact my sleeping or cognition.

          If a host pulls out a pint-sized wine glass and offers some to me, the answer is “no” because I would rather have no wine than be overserved.

          1. Regarding some of the enormous glasses, like a so-called balloon glass for red wine. Those glasses aren’t meant to be filled up. You pour in the normal 4 oz pour, and then the headspace gives the aroma a chance to be appreciated. You have room to swirl and then sniff. Sniffing properly means sticking your whole nose in there, which is why they make those large glasses.

            You don’t have to have them at home, and to be honest 75% of the time I drink wine, I drink it from a small size duralex tumbler. But if its a special/fancy bottle of wine, the “proper” way to enjoy it may be from the appropriate, maybe very large, glass per the abote.

    5. I love antique stores and vintage glasses for this. As reasonable as Ikea or Costco and so much prettier.

    6. If you are not just looking for a bargain and can house full-height glasses, I like the Schott Zwiesel Pure line. They feel light and delicate but are a bit more durable than traditional glasses. I am clumsy and over 7 years I have only broken 2 glasses and that was fully dropping them on a tile floor, not just tipping them over on the counter or in the sink.

      1. I have purchased Scott Zweisel glasses and like them a lot. They feel nice, and they’re not too expensive. I also keep a couple dozen basic Luminarc glasses in the house for everyday and for large events. Cheap. Basic. I buy them (bought them?) in boxes of 6 at BB&B. Not sure where to buy them now.

    7. World Market has nice ones that aren’t terribly expensive and you can buy individually to replace any broken ones (ask me how I know…)!

    8. I buy second hand for things like this. Much cheaper if one gets broken. I found a nice set of 12 for $5 last week.

    9. Reidel-rhymes-with-needle is always good, but we have switched to Schott Zweisel and are really enjoying them. You can get either in sets on Amazon.

      Also at some point you have to accept that wine glasses are a consumable.

    10. Pottery Barn Entertaining Essential – 12 pcs set. We have a catering set of wine glasses and champagne glasses that live in their boxes for parties. Don’t throw out the mismatched ones though. For more casual stuff like girls night, I keep all the mis-matched wine glasses, and people just pick their glass. Makes it easier to keep track of whose is whose than say a wine charm.

  19. For anyone who anecdotally knows a lot about working out and aging issues or has looked into it – are there any theories out their that aging is easier or better – relatively speaking – if you have some muscle?

    When I look around all I see are articles saying you start losing muscle mass by 30-40 and that it’s harder to build muscle as you age, though apparently not impossible at any age so I suppose it just takes much more effort to build a little muscle at 60 or 70 than at 36. Certainly I don’t know any 65 year olds who are ripped. But looking at seniors in my life, I just have a hunch that the ones who are weaker and more frail had less muscle to begin with even decades ago. I’m mid 40s and honestly a bit concerned as I look at the seniors in my family – moreso for them but also for me.

    1. Yes, there is a lot of evidence out there that suggests that muscle mass is an important factor in staying healthy as you age. You can strength train at any age – it’s never too late.

      1. a woman in my tennis foursome is 64 and jacked. She is intensely focused on it and super careful about what she eats but it’s doable, just harder.

    2. Yes, aging is easier if you build more muscle mass. I have known people older than 65 year olds who were ripped and still capable of practical feats of strength like moving heavy furniture. I also know someone who is involved with “Old Ladies Lift.” Lifting in particular is also good for maintaining bone strength.

    3. Just a little anecdote that motivates me to maintain muscle mass through physical activity. A few years ago I went to physical therapy for a knee injury. There were generally two kinds of patients there besides me: teenagers who injured themselves playing a sport and seniors, almost all of whom gently joked that the last time they worked out was decades ago. It sure changed my outlook on exercise from optional hobby to essential for healthy aging.

    4. I’m convinced that a HUGE issue for women as they age is the long term impacts of diet culture. My mother who was thin, athletic, etc. for my whole childhood started having serious ortho issues at 50ish. She had the typical black coffee, eggs, toast, small plate of dinner diet from probably age 22 onward and we still have to convince her that eating fat/protein isn’t awful for her. She’s now had multiple joint replacements and recently broke her hip but is insistent that it isn’t connected.

      1. I agree with you. A lifetime of making yourself thin can often lead to undiagnosed malnourishment, calcium deficiencies, and a whole mess of other things.

        Source: My 68-year-old mom has had disordered eating patterns her entire life, and now is paying the price. She refuses to see the connection.

        1. I really wish I could get my mom to see a dietician. She stresses me out with how little she eats and how imbalanced it can be! She’s athletic and I feel she needs more protein than meals like “coffee and popcorn” can supply on her workout days.

          1. Me, too. I worry about her long-term health. If, god forbid, she gets ill, she has zero extra weight to lose. She’s already underweight. It could become a dire situation very quickly.

            And, don’t even get me started on how her lifelong disordered eating has affected her daughters and our body image. Even though she never said a negative word about us, it can be a real mindf*ck.

        2. I don’t want to stir up a hornet’s nest about a lot of related issues, so please all take this as a very narrow point with almost no other implications:

          I’m convinced that the “ideal weight” for women (late 20s on up in age) is about 10-15 pounds heavier than people think it is. You just need a certain amount of nutrition and it’s rather difficult to get that and remain slim, even for athletic people.

          1. Thank you for saying this, for real. Because I do care a lot about nutrition, and I eat well and all that. I also happen to be 10-15 lbs. overweight and cannot stop beating myself up about it.

          2. I thought I had read that an extra 10-15 lbs is protective. One of my friends who was very, very thin was diagnosed with cancer in her late 40s. It required abdominal surgery and the surgeons were sort of congratulating her on being thin so they could get to the tumor more easily without a lot of internal fat (I think there’s a name for that but I can’t remember it.) However, subsequent chemotherapy was very hard on her because she experienced involuntary weight loss and got so thin they had to stop the chemo. Her doctor told her it would have probably gone better if she’d started at a less thin weight.

            https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/14/health/older-adults-excess-weight-kff-partner-wellness/index.html

    5. My 72 year old aunt is jacked! She has visible arm muscles. She always was active (a career that kept her on her feet and walked / did yoga / biked most days of the week) but never strength trained until this year. She started going to strength classes with some friends from yoga and she’s jacked.

    6. I only have anecdotal stories from my own family, but my dad and my MIL have both remained very active and have been able to stay independent longer than my mother who has not kept active. My dad and my MIL are not “ripped” with muscles, but make a point to do some physical activity everyday. For my dad it is hiking, running, and weight lifting. For my MIL it is walking on her treadmill. It makes me realize how important even a daily walk is as I get older.

    7. I am 69, and lift weights, and I am of average capability re: building muscle. Some women are higher in androg3ns or testoteron3 than others, and can build muscle more easily. But I think that is neither here nor there. My quality of life is so much better due to being stronger. I can put my carry on into the overhead bin, downhill ski, hike, carry in groceries, carry laundry baskets up and down stairs, get up off the floor, etc. etc. There are group weight lifting classes, personal trainers, free weights and machines at the gym, just get started somehow keep at it. I feel good! and that is a blessing, and I am grateful for it.

    8. I’m 65 and I have friends who are ripped! I had a lot more muscle a few years ago but really lost a lot of ground after my gym closed in the pandemic. I’m trying to get it back but it’s a struggle!

    9. While I know correlation does not equal causation, anecdotally there is 100% correlation between older relatives who kept active throughout their entire lives who are healthy and mobile in their 70s and ones who were couch potatoes and have health and mobility problems.

      Of my “always fit” relatives, they’ve had some serious health issues too (some genetic things and a few have had cancer), but they’ve recovered from their health issues so much faster and to a greater degree (a full recovery as opposed to a partial recovery). They also don’t have any mobility-related issues.

      Admittedly, I don’t know any seniors who were not active as adults and then tried to get active as they were older… some of them just never had the interest at any age and some tried to get fitter in their 60s but were already too out of shape to really have any success.

      As for ripped seniors, I have two sets of aunts / uncles in their early – mid 70s and they all have visible muscles from lifting (which they do 4x a week). I’m not joking that my 73 year old aunt has the arms I wish I had (and I work out a lot too). My 67 year old uncle just helped me move a solid wood dresser up two flights of stairs.

    10. There are regularly articles in the NYT and WaPo discussing (many) studies that show that adding muscle mass at ANY age helps one age in better health. Run a G*&gle search and read a few: you’ll feel better.

  20. Has anyone done AirSculpt? I have some stubborn areas of fat that will not go away no matter how much I diet and exercise, and I’m becoming more and more self-conscious about how I look in my clothes. Preliminary research tells me AirSculpt may be a great alternative – better than Coolsculpting as Airsculpt only takes one session and doesn’t have the same potential risks that Linda Evangelista experienced, and less risky (and slightly less expensive) than lipo as you don’t need anesthesia. I would love some real-life feedback. Thank you!

  21. What PJs do we all like? I need more/new PJs. I like shorts and cami matching sets. Any recommendations?

    2. I bought flannel pjs (top and bottom) from Brooks Brothers in the late 90s, and they lasted easily 20 years.

    3. Cool Night separates from Soma. My preference is the full leg pajama pants in long (I’m tall, and it’s so nice to find a place that offers long!) and a camisole with some bust support. I wear these around the house a fair amount + a hoodie or something, and they’re presentable enough that way to open the door and sign for a FedEx or whatever.

  22. Anyone here who bought OmniLux LED mask? If so, how long have you been using it [and how often] and what has been your experience so far? Have you seen any improvement on skin quality [plumpness], fine lines & wrinkles, color tone, acne?
    I am turning 40 this year and already done botox for the 11s [they make me look tired and really angry], otherwise, no other visible signs of aging. Skin quality overall is good, but I have some post-acne scars, occasional acne. I use tretinoin a few times per week. I am considering buying the mask to maintain what I have now and hopefully smooth the scars a bit.
    Thanks for sharing.

    1. I purchased both the face and neck/chest masks last month and started using them just after the new year. I’ve been using it about every other day so far. It hasn’t been long enough to see drastic improvements so far I feel like it’s doing its job. I don’t expect it to fix all the signs of aging, but I feel like it’s been good for the skin on my neck and around my eyes.

      Other context:
      -30 yo, oily & acne-prone skin type, use tret a few times a week
      -I use sunscreen every day, but have never used any injectables and do not plan to. I am deathly afraid of needles and the equipment involved in most derm procedures, so I cannot speak to how beneficial the masks may be for someone who does pursue those things.
      -I chose this brand after a few weeks of research into this and its competitors in terms of clinical data they had to back it up. I am not a scientist/medical professional so take my ability to compare these things with a grain of salt. After I decided, I googled for discount codes from youtubers/influencers who had one and got 10$ off.

      Hope this helps
      –

      1. Thank you for sharing! And I would be glad if you would report back after a few months as well, curious about your experience. I read the published clinical studies done for LED therapy and they suggest the device using specific wave-lenghts works [the device = OmniLux], I am just not sure the effect they can deliver is what I am looking for. But I will probably go ahead and buy it, worst case, would pass it to my mom…

    2. Sharing late. I’ve had one for two years. I love it. Helps with redness but doesn’t completely eliminate it. I find it works best when I use Paula Choice’s B3 solution with it. I ran out and that’s how I noticed the difference.

  23. Reccs for mid-range candles? I love a fancy candle but don’t have the budget right now for Boy Smells or Diptique. Looking for scented candles people love for less than $30. I prefer lighter scents– citrus, cucumber, clean smells, think the opposite of incense.

    2. Check out Thymes of London – they have high quality candles. Mandarin Coriander or Lemon Leaf might work for you – you can look on their site for a stockist near you.

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