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City Parking Struggles
I live in a neighborhood where the homes mostly don’t have driveways and we rely on unrestricted street parking, with a general understanding that we don’t park in front of each other’s houses. Recently some high density housing was added and each unit has two assigned off street spaces. A new resident keeps parking in front of our house and leaving his car there for days while his assigned spaces sit empty. If it were any other neighbor I would just talk to them, but no one seems to know him and we never see him to bring it up. Another neighbor mentioned he is very young, so I’m wondering if he doesn’t realize it’s an issue. I know I have no standing since it’s a public street, but can I at least leave him a friendly note reminding him the rest of us don’t have spots and we would appreciate him not parking in front of our house and/or using his assigned spots? Any better suggestions on handling this in a neighborly way?
Anon
Following. We have this neighbor and he parks in the middle of the space in front of my house. It is big enough for two cars but he take up so much space that it is just him. Our neighbors nanny used to also do this all the time and they were just clueless and entitled — so very Tom and Daisy Buchanan.
Anonymous
LOL to describing a nanny as “Tom and Daisy Buchanan”
Anon
More like the nanny and her employers. N.b. that mom didn’t work; still had a nanny tho.
Anonymous
Offff this is so judgmental. I’ve really struggled with mental health and physical health recently and I have considered taking a break from paid work and getting a nanny. The constant judgment from other women and moms is just so draining.
Anon
I’m sorry you feel judged while contemplating quitting your job and getting a nanny. I imagine that’s pretty draining.
Anon
The best thing for your mental health is to stop caring what anyone else thinks about your decisions you make for you. Hire that nanny, girl.
Anonymous
Thanks! You hear a lot of “you’re your own worst critic” and then you read garbage like this and it’s hard to keep your head up. But I’m trying.
Anon
It’s not garbage to give someone a hard time for having the privilege to not only not work, but to not work AND still be able to afford help at home. Other people facing mental and physical health struggles don’t have that luxury. That’s fine that you’re able to do it, but don’t whine about other people being judgy.
Anon
Honestly, if the neighbors are described like this, it’s probably for Reasons.
Anon
It ain’t judgey, it’s jealous. Not a good look.
Anon
OTOH, if you don’t work, why have FT childcare? In my city, if you pay on the books, and the person is legal to work and drive, that is at least 75K. And a two-lawyer family I know with a newborn was struggling to field candidates at that level (and did a literal dance of joy when they got a daycare spot. I know lawyers aren’t rich b/c at this age, they still have substantial loans, so IDK how you’d justify that expense if someone has already left the workforce. [I am not a rich person and not in those circles — is this really a thing?]
Anon
Because kids are absolutely exhausting. If I could afford to not work and have a nanny, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Anon
I imagine the way to justify the expense would be “I have the money” and “it’s absolutely the best thing I could spend it on right now.” It’s hard for me to imagine a better use of money than making sure one’s own children are safe, comfortable, and provided for? And if you’re not feeling well and need to rest (like if you have mental and physical health needs), why DIY anything you don’t have to? At least with physical health issues, I’ve always found that the ability to rest and alleviate responsibilities and stress speeds recovery for me.
Anon
Get a nanny, quit your job, live your life. But have enough sense not to whine about it.
Another Anon
+1 that this is unnecessarily judgy, you don’t know what that mom’s situation is.
Trish
Good Lord. It is clear that it is the family who hired the nanny who is clueless and entitled and they likely told the nanny to park there. Not every person who hires a nanny is entitled but obviously, these two are. This is literally a site for high powered women who have money for nannies.
Panda Bear
I would leave a friendly note on the windshield.
Curious
+1. Our friendly young neighbors can be a little clueless but always adjust when asked.
Anon
I would leave a friendly note on the windshield and explain the situation. I also have a neighbor with a full driveway and a three (!) car garage who likes to park right in front of my house or directly across from my driveway. Some people take up a lot of space – mentally and physically. Ugh
pugsnbourbon
I would leave a friendly note on the windshield and explain the situation. I also have a neighbor with a full driveway and a three (!) car garage who likes to park right in front of my house or directly across from my driveway. Some people take up a lot of space – mentally and physically. Ugh
Cat
this is 100% note on the windshield territory. Urban parking is serious business.
Street Parking Is Theft
You can leave a note, but as you’ve said, this is a public street and you have no standing. There’s a whole line of t-shirts around the idea that street parking is theft. I know that’s a bit extreme. There are very few other private goods that are allowed to be stored in public or on shared space, but cars still get that privilege.
Anon
+1. You’re no more entitled to that space in the street than any other member of the public. Cities would be a lot more pleasant with fewer cars and more space for people rather than car storage.
Anon
I don’t think that this is about the urban core of cities. More like places like Arlington and Bethesda where people are forced to use cars (esp. if they have kids) or devote hours of their lives to bus transportation (the schedule is more of a suggestion in my city lately).
Anon
Choose your inconvenience. No one is “forced” to use a car and plenty of people (even those with kids) don’t have the luxury. Folks act like there’s some sort of constitutional right to a publicly funded place to put your car. There isn’t. We can’t even publicly fund enough housing for human being.
anon
I may be the dissenter here as a long-time city resident (three cities, varying levels of densities – some single family detached, single family attached and then more dense areas). We’ve never ever had an unspoken rules about parking. Unrestricted is unrestricted and it’s a cost of living in this environment.
Anon
It’s a suburban thing. My parents get really fired up about this issue, and as a long time city resident, I don’t get it either. That said, if it’s violating area norms, a note seems appropriate.
Anon
It’s really not, though. He didn’t have to agree to follow those made up norms when he moved in.
Anon
She’s not saying she’s going to call the police. I don’t see the harm in a very polite note that just says, “Hey could you please use your spots?” The neighbor can ignore if they want. Or maybe they hadn’t realized and they want to follow the norms of the neighborhood. What is the harm here??
Anon
I would agree this this *except* that he has his own designated spot that he is leaving empty.
Anonymous
+1. Although I have never lived somewhere where I could regularly park in front of my building either; I get excited when I can park on my block. I have lived places where people would put traffic cones out to “hold” their spots, especially when they have shoveled them in the winter, but I’ve never had that kind of courage. In NYC, even if you shovel a spot, when you leave it, you lost it.
Lizard
+1, I can’t imagine trying to make this kind of claim. The only way to reserve the spot in front of your house is to keep your car parked in it. You could also lobby the city to make zone-restricted parking for residents of your neighborhood, or check to see if there’s some ordinance that mandates the car be moved every so often.
OP
It is a small, friendly community in a suburban area. It’s not really city living, but a planned community that is densely populated because of its desirable location. There is definitely an unspoken rule here, and I would say it may not even be unspoken as we are pretty open about the issues and respecting each others “areas”. I’m not the only one frustrated by this guy.
Anon
I take it that none of those cities is Boston… because the lawn furniture to secure a shoveled out spot is a thing.
anon
Ha. Very well aware of lawn chair space holders as I actually reside in Boston now. But I have dedicated parking because I’m tired of the shenanigans.
Anon
+1
Chicagoan here.
This whole discussion cracks me up.
Curious
Except we do folding chairs!
anon a mouse
I generally think that street parking is the Wild West, but two things to consider. First, when that building was built with private spaces, was there any sort of representation that the buildings wouldn’t impact the existing street parking? And then, if it’s becoming an issue and your neighbors agree, you could request to have some sort of permitting system for your neighborhood. That’s what’s happened in my area – neighborhoods have assigned zoned parking, and residents of new construction are not eligible for those zone stickers because their buildings have parking. Zoned parking brings other headaches, but may be worth considering if there’s a lot more development planned that will have similar impacts.
Anon
This is a very sensible reply on an otherwise not-sensible thread.
Anon
+1
I agree. But be careful what you ask for.
The worry worts on our high density “urban suburb” block disliked that the rich kids that went to the local Catholic high school somehow all can afford new SUVs, and liked to fill up our block by parking them all day while they were at school. So they petitioned to the city to fix this. So there are signs up that say only 2 hr parking during the day. So now no one can park on the block anymore for longer periods of time. We can’t park on our own block for more than 2 hrs! Our guests can’t park.
Anonymous
Hear hear!
Anon
I may be an outlier here, but I don’t understand why this is an issue. It’s a street – people can park wherever they want. Telling someone not to park in front of your house seems super weird to me.
Vicky Austin
I’m admittedly living in the least urban of places, but when the person has assigned spaces that are empty and chooses to park in front of your house instead, that’s weird and I’d want to investigate.
Not to mention, when someone parks in front of our house (neighbor teens having friends over, w/e), the dog loses his mind. People have their reasons.
Lizard
I’d assume they’re wanting to keep their assigned spaces open for visitors or guests who may need to use them. That doesn’t seem weird or hard to understand at all. If a spot on the street is open to use, there’s nothing stopping them from doing that.
Vicky Austin
That makes no sense to me. Not using the assigned spaces for the daily parking of the actual tenant? When visitors or guests come, they can park in front of OP’s house since they’re there temporarily. The person who lives there permanently should use the parking space that belongs to them and not intrude on areas intended for the use of others.
Lizard
Except the spot in front of OP’s house may not be open because OP could be in it, or some other car. Whereas the spots that this guy is assigned will always be open if he isn’t in them because they’re reserved for him. It may not be the nicest thing for him to do, but it’s certainly easy enough to understand.
Anon
Not all guests have great mobility. My mom can’t walk a few blocks to my house. There are plenty of reasons to park like that.
NYCer
Yeah, this is mostly where I fall too. I imagine they are leaving the assigned spaces open intentionally for guests.
anonshmanon
They might have rented the unit without the parking spaces, if that costs extra?
OP
He has never had a guest and the spaces were deeded with the property.
Anon
You seem to know an awful lot about this guy!
Sybil
Yeah this seems a little bizarre if no one knows him and you never see him.
I mean, I’m with you that I would be super annoyed by this. But you also can’t tell someone “I know you don’t use your assigned spots or have anyone else over in them.”
OP
I can see why this would seem creepy, but his spaces are visible from my house so when I see him parked here I can also see no one parked there. I only know about the deeded spots because this is new construction and so the neighborhood shared lots of
information on the properties to include the parking situation so that the neighbors wouldn’t fight the project.
anon
My comment is apparently in mod, but I could not agree more. I don’t disagree that it’s annoying and inconvenient and all those things, but you have no rights to tell someone to move. Neighbors can be fickle – I’ve had my fair share of bad ones – and I wouldn’t dare assert some sort of authority, either firmly or softly, over something like this that is well within neighbor’s rights and especially so without knowing this person, their temperament, etc.
Anon
A guy on our street used to park a trailer with a muddy Polaris on it in front of a house that the owners were desperately trying to sell. That sort of neighbor, no one needs. He could have parked it in front of his house, but who wants to look at a muddy ATV all week?!
Anonymous
You should not move to the city.
Anon
In the city proper, this isn’t an issue as cars are a nuisance and people don’t tend to have them (or multiples, at least). It’s for parts of “city” areas that are old (no driveway, no attached garage) and dense and have norms of thou shalt not take the space in front of thy neighbor’s house if you have a spot of your own. In newer areas, they don’t approve building w/o a plan for parking and in more rural area, just park where you want to park.
Anon
Omg get a life. People like you suck to live next to. An ATV isn’t lowering your home value, you just want somebody to blame.
Anon
To 10:50: Ehhhh as someone who has lived in cities and suburbs and purchased multiple homes I do think the dirty ATV that seems clear it is in front of the the house a lot could definitely affect the price. Depending on how the house is laid out, that could be what the main window looks out at, and in some cases it might feel right on top of the house. We once passed on pursuing a house because a neighbor had their RV parked really close to the house for sale’s master bedroom and I just didn’t want that to be my bedroom view. And I live in a very very competitive VHCOL area where we get outbid a lot, so we are willing to over look quite a bit. You might not agree that that should be the way people think but if they do they do and that’s how markets are made. Kitchens we can update, annoying neighbor things less so…..
Anon
Annoying neighbors ought to come up on title searches. You can change a lot about a house, but not the people who live next to it.
Anon
I have someone’s giant boat parked on a trailer in front of my house. I’m fairly sure that the owner does not live in my neighborhood or the neighborhood that surrounds it. I’ve seen him working on the boat in ther street and he has parking stickers for a different neighborhood several miles away. The trailer the boat is on is legally tagged. I can’t do anything about it, and it means that my teens and guests need to find other places to park in the neighborhood that aren’t in front of someone else’s house or blocking driveways by parking directly across from them. I can be annoyed and I can express my annoyance, but I can’t really do anything about it.
Anonymous
To the people with annoying stuff parked in front of their homes, check your HOA covenants. There may be restrictions on parking vehicles on the street and it might be worth complaining to the HOA.
Anon
Also, my understanding is most cities have a limit on how long a car can legally park in the same spot without moving, even if it’s public with no other restrictions. In my old city it was three days.
anon
We also just wait for street sweeping day and/or snow emergencies to wipe the street of all parking and reset. Ah, urban life.
Anon
My neighbor (an elderly lady) asked me not to park in a certain spot because it is more difficult for her to get out of her driveway if I park there. The spot is in front of my house and the street is definitely wide enough for her to get in and out of the driveway without issue. I gladly avoid that spot when possible because I am glad to help her out and make her feel more comfortable, and it is no real additional effort for me.
I guess what I’m saying is that it probably depends on the neighborhood, but just kindness and helping out is one reason not to park in certain areas if there are other places to park (like your own designated spots).
Anon
It’s hoggish. They are choosing to park in public spaces when they have private ones available. Otherwise, yes. Public spaces are fair game.
Vicky Austin
This. If he didn’t have private spaces designated specifically for his own use, it would be a different story. But he does.
Anonymous
+1 I lived in a neighborhood like this and didn’t think I had a right to police who parked where. My neighbors preferred to park in front of my house because there was a tree and they liked the shade in the summer. My cars had great ac so I didn’t care. Also when I had friend over they parked wherever a spot was available. I hope people weren’t secretly annoyed at that.
Cat
the issue is they have designated free parking and rather than using it, they’re taking over other spots on the same block. Rude.
Anon
“Neighbor: I see that you aren’t using your spot. May I use it?”
Anon
Actually, I love this!!
Anon
No snark here, just a legitimate question: why can’t they park in front of your house? Is it to save the space for you and your family and/or guests?
Anon
Workers are the big thing for us. If the carpet cleaning guy can’t get in close, he has to reschedule. Wastes his time and our time. And don’t get me started on trying to save a spot for movers. Dude: they really need to use THIS SPACE.
OP
When he takes a spot in front of my house, I then often have to park in front of another neighbor’s house. It would be no big deal if it was short term and I could then move my car back, but it’s days at a time. This means then my neighbor is displaced and annoyed with me, and so on and so on. There are no extra street spots; the street is packed full in the evenings. I imagine this is the reason the new units were required to have assigned parking in the first place.
Vicky Austin
I think this makes in front of your own house your de facto spot; therefore he is, in fact, in your spot, which is ridiculous considering he has his own assigned space(s? multiple?). So you would NBTA for saying something.
anon
This guy is probably oblivious and doesn’t realize the whole neighborhood is annoyed with him. Friendly note is the way to go. Either he’s a reasonable person who will start using his designated spot or he’s an inconsiderate person that has no problem inconveniencing all his neighbors. How he reacts is up to him but you’re NTA for politely bringing community norms to his attention.
Anon
Point your neighbor to that guy. Problem solved.
Anon
Don’t be this person. You have no claim here, you need to get over it.
Anon
I think the consensus is that he ITA here — there is a norm he is violating.
Anon
Ok, I think OP ITA. It’s not an HOA, he doesn’t need to follow her made up consensus.
Cat
nah, while it’s convenient if a neighborhood generally knows whose street parking is “whose,” the main issue here is that they are leaving their own private spot unused (AND unavailable to others) while taking up public spots.
Anon
I highly doubt she’s making it up. This issue is common in just about every suburban neighborhood without parking at your house.
NYCer
At the end of the day, it is still a public street though. And this guy – and anyone else – can park wherever they want.
Sure, OP can try and leave this guy a note, but tbh I wouldn’t expect it to make much of a difference (unless he is truly just clueless, and didn’t realize the street is full of cars every night).
OP
It actually is an HOA, but the city owns the streets and so the parking is public. However, I didn’t make this consensus up. When we first moved in a decade ago we were admonished (and now I understand rightly so) by a neighbor when we parked in front of his house. It seems to be a right if passage here. I didn’t think this was going to be such a controversial topic, but it has been great hearing the different perspectives! I think I’m going to go ahead with a friendly note that makes clear I know I have no claim, but that it would be very much appreciated if he gave us some space. If he doesn’t comply at least then I’ll know he’s just a jerk instead of clueless.
Trish
We rented an AirBnB in a neighborhood with townhouses that were on top of each other and even with garages and driveways, there were parked all up and down the street. There was not enough space for more than one car to drive down the street. That said, just because the dude has the RIGHT to park in front of OP’s house doesn’t mean he is not a jerk!
Anecdata
eh, I live in a fairly suburban-feeling city neighborhood with street parking, and I know some of my neighbors who’ve lived here a longer time feel this way about spots but.. they don’t own the spots (and the neighborhood is higher density than when they moved here 20 years ago). You don’t get to claim a norm of “this public property is for my private use”, just because you (used to) be able to use it regularly
Anonymous
Is it a true norm though or a norm in OP’s mind? I’ve lived in lots of urban and suburban areas. And other than living in a sketch area in Chicago where your car would be hurt for parking in the wrong spot, I don’t think there is such a thing where neighbors play traffic cop. (Or where people would put chairs in the street.)
I’d be more inclined to talk to the property manager at the high rise building to push them to nicely ask residents frankly.
Anon
He ITA. He has a spot but he’s being selfish and taking a spot that others could use while he doesn’t need it. The level of inconvenience that this causes to the OP is significant. I have lived in cities where parking is a nightmare and this is a real issue. I wish the US had better public transportation.
Anecdata
It sounds like the reasoning for he ITA boils down to : don’t use sharedresources unless you really need them & can’t access private — but we don’t apply that to other shared resources (eg. don’t go to the library if you have books at home, don’t send your kids to public school if you can afford private, don’t sit at a picnic table in the park if you have a nice backyard).
Anon
Supporting libraries, parks, or the public school system (all of which are benefited by enthusiastic utilization) cannot be compared to a parking spot on the road.
Anon
Education is a common good. Parks and fresh air are a common good.
Your car is not a common good.
Anon
Anecdata – the more appropriate analogy here would be someone keeping a new popular book checked out from the library even though they own a copy. It’s not strictly prohibited but it’s a jerk move to deprive someone else of a resource you don’t really need/have an available suitable alternative
Anonymous
I think if he didn’t have his own spaces, then parking where ever, including in front of someone else’s house, is fine. But taking up street parking, when it is usually filled by people who have no alternative, and leaving your own space empty for days at a time… thats pretty rude. Not wrong exactly, but rude.
Anon
Does the high density housing have a property management company or an association? Maybe you could reach out to them and just let them know you’re a little confused why “some” of their residents are not using their designated parking. And you could note this person as an example, they might learn that this person is getting pinched by someone else and can help him out. In my head I’m wondering if someone else complained to him about his car being parked there and he’s too nervous to do anything about it?
That’s the furthest action I would take. This comes with the territory of buying a home without designated parking. You also couldn’t control your neighbors having extra cars and needing to park outside of their front lot lines (ex. teenage drivers with their own cars).
Anon
It’s wild to me what ends up starting an argument on this site sometimes! The OP is talking about leaving a polite note, not about taking a bat to this car. The car owner can choose to ignore the note or not, and it didn’t seem like the OP was going to call the police or anything. The first solution to any issue that’s bugging someone is almost always “communicate and see what happens!” What’s the big deal about a note?
Anon
+1
Lizard
Would it be ok for OP to leave a note on this guy’s car letting him know that she thinks his coat is ugly and would prefer him to wear a different one? Whether leaving a note is ok or not depends on whether the person’s complaint is valid or not – that’s what the debate in the thread is about.
Anon
This reminds me: My friend once had an anon neighbor place a note on her door that said he thinks her door color was ugly and asked her to repaint it. Her door is painted yellow and, while unconventional, didn’t clash with the house, plus the door was partially obscured by the front porch.
(I’m not comparing these situations at all!! But the last comment reminded me of this.)
Liza
That’s hilarious. I feel like yellow doors definitely had A Moment circa 2012-2014, a la Young House Love.
Anon
The only time I’ve ever left a note was when someone was partially blocking my driveway. The note was in lieu of having them ticketed or towed. For those who completely block my driveway, and it amazingly happens far more often than you’d think, I do have them ticketed and towed, immediately.
We have one space in the driveway and the car not in the driveway parks on the street. I consider myself extremely lucky to get a spot on my block, much less in front of my house. I do recognize my neighbors’ car in front of my house about half the time but we are probably parked in front of their house nearly as often. I would absolutely be the neighborhood crack pot if I tried to claim the spot in front of my house, and it wouldn’t work anyway. If my neighbors didn’t park there, someone else would.
Give it up. It’s a public street.
Seventh Sister
I had someone towed for completely blocking my driveway (I genuinely couldn’t get my car out) and it never happened again. Possibly coincidence, possibly not.
Another Anon
I see why this is very annoying to you, but I don’t think you have any right to say something. You can leave a note if you want but it sounds awkward and entitled to me that you think you should get priority of a public spot. He presumably pays for his parking spot so can use it as he wants. There has to be some reason he parks where he does. I purchased a deeded spot and I sometimes use street parking if it’s more convenient or if I want to leave my spot open for my guests coming by with cars.
Senior Attorney
Why wouldn’t you just park in his spot if he’s not using it? Inconvenient but at least you and he each have predictable parking.
Cat
the problem is the new construction has dedicated spots, whereas existing homes don’t. She can’t use his spot.
Senior Attorney
Maybe leave a note saying “Hey, I notice you are parking in front of my house, which is making it a little tricky for me. Do you mind if I park in your designated spot when you’re not using it?”
Anonymous
His spot his not hers to use (he pays for it) or frankly to make assumptions about why it is not being used. Maybe it wasn’t actually deeded to him or he rented it to someone else, maybe someone elderly visits, maybe his car doesn’t fit or is dripping oil, or maybe it’s just more convenient for him to park somewhere else. The reality is that he is using a public street that is open to the public. She’s the one assuming the public street is “hers”in some way–and that’s just not accurate. Her convenience or his doesn’t trump the other when it is a public spot.
Anon
I don’t need the parking spot in front of my house, and my neighbors do, because the two neighbors nearest to me each has three cars. I am annoyed that my view is taken up by their gargantuan SUV, but I will never say anything except to privately complain as I am doing here, and I guess to enjoy my sense of moral superiority over their typically American excess.
Your situation though seems odd because you do need the space, and the neighbor also has his own parking spaces that are not available to you? It would be normal in my neighborhood to discuss parking norms at some point if this is ongoing.
Seventh Sister
I think a note on the windshield is reasonable, but your new neighbor may or may not do what you ask. Also, if he’s parking in front of your house, he’ll probably know where you live if you write the note.
In our town, there is a rule that cars parked on the street have to be moved every so. often (maybe it’s 72 hours?). It’s worth investigating because in my experience, it’s a pretty hefty ticket and the parking enforcement people are generally delighted to give them out. Our hoarder neighbor started parking his junk cars in front of my house and he got tired of doing it when he started getting tickets.
FWIW, if his off-street spaces are stack parking, he’s probably parking on the street because he gets home later than his housemates and has to leave early. We have stack off-street parking and definitely do that sometimes.
Anon
Oh I hadn’t thought of stack parking. That would explain it.
Lily
Reading through this thread is an unfortunate reminder of how low our society has fallen. Everyone focused on some legalistic and highly individualistic argument about the neighbor’s “rights”, with little to no regard for a sense of community, neighbors communicating and looking out for one another, etc. SAD.
Josie P
Best drugstore/target makeup remover wipes? They changed the formula on my favorite Almay ones and my HS DD is going through mine at an alarming rate!
Anon
I like the Cetaphil skin wipes. Almost no scent and they have not irritated my skin. I’m not sure they’re intended for makeup specifically, but I expect they would work on most things.
Anon
Bioderma micellar water in a big bottle and cotton rounds.
Vicky Austin
+1
Anon
Face wash. Unless you’re traveling, camping, etc there’s no need for. Face wipes. They’re also very ineffective at cleaning your face.
anon
Face wash is ineffective at removing my make up. It cleanses my face after I remove my makeup. What am I missing?
anon
I personally hate makeup remover wipes, but the Neutrogena liquid in the blue bottle is very effective on eye makeup!
Anon
Try a cleansing balm to remove eye makeup then follow up with a gentle face wash. Clinique take the day off balm is my favorite. Others here: https://www.allure.com/gallery/best-cleansing-balms
No Problem
Micellar water on a cotton pad is extremely effective at removing makeup, and less irritating to the sensitive skin around my eyes than any makeup wipe I’ve ever tried.
pugsnbourbon
+1, I use micellar water too. The Target knockoff of the Garnier stuff.
anon
You’re missing cleansing balms and oil-based cleansers. The skincare girlies aren’t doing makeup wipes anymore.
Anon
Balm cleansers are far better than makeup wipes. You should try one. I like glow recipe papaya cleanser, but Clinique and Elf both sell pretty good ones too.
eertmeert
The e.l.f. one is awesome, fragrance free so non irritating and washes off so nicely while removing everything.
Anon
Aren’t these the polyethylene based cleansers? I get that it won’t solve the microplastics problem to not use balm cleansers, but I still feel weird about specifically going out and purchasing microplastics on purpose.
Anon
I agree with this; it is also a waste of money.
Anon
You can still order the old ones on Amazon! I ran into this recently as well. The new formula is sooo gross and oily!
Anon
So bad for the environment! Reusable fabric pads – mine are from Etsy – and makeup remover.
I also like the pink makeup remover towel – I forget the name, but it does a good job removing serious makeup with just water.
Anonymous
Makeup Eraser! I got a two pack from Costco a few years ago and they’re still going strong.
Anon
I have seven makeup erasers! I like a clean one every day. But I do use them with a balm cleanser.
KW
I use Target’s Up & Up brand in the blue package that says “compare to Neutrogena makeup remover” and really like them. I first use those to remove my foundation and eye makeup and then I use cleanser to wash my face.
Sybil
I don’t like them for regular use because of the waste, but for keeping a pack around I have not found anything better than the Simple wipes. I don’t like the feel of the Neutrogena wipes.
brokentoe
Burt’s Bees micellar wipes with rose water
Anon
This exact outfit: what is it for? Some Big Little Lies girls lunch somewhere in California? I have an Athleta dupe of this skirt that is a bit shorter. It should be awesome and versatile for year round wear but I only wear it in hot weather because it is so light and yet hides the anti chub rub shorts so damn well. I don’t wear it with a crop top or sandals — it seems to cry out for flats.
Anonymous
It’s not my style but I could see it styled with a non-midriff bearing sweater to and some cool heeled brown boots for a casual day at the office or a daytime party. As styled? Pretty on a model but not in real life.
AIMS
Assuming the sweater is not an actual crop top, I’d wear this with closed toe shoes to just about most holiday gatherings, inc. work parties, this time of year.
Anon
I saw naval within the month at my BigLaw office. And it is not a toasty office.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I wore something similar to a fancy girls lunch a week or two ago, so I think you’re pretty much on point. With a truly midi-length skirt like this, you can wear 3/4 length leggings underneath.
Anon
It’s a fun outfit for the right person for dinner, a party, etc. I like having some things in my closet I wouldn’t wear to work. Crop tops aren’t my personal thing, but this is very on point these days. I’m also in CA so weather dressing isn’t an issue.
Anon
I get you. The people wearing midriff baring tops would be wearing sneaker with this because they’re Gen Z. I’d they’re wearing these shoes, they’re older and not wearing a crop top.
So, this outfit is for no one except the people trying to sell the skirt.
Senior Attorney
I have a skirt like this and I wear it with sneakers and a not-cropped sweater or a cropped-but-not-belly-baring sweatshirt.
anon
It looks like a warm weather skirt to me. Given that the recommended top is a t-shirt, I think it’s for a mild climate. I’d freeze with this skirt in the northeast.
Sasha
I have a skirt like this in a few colors that I wear to work at my business casual office often in fall/spring/winter. I usually just pair with a sleeveless shell on top. It also works with a thin turtleneck in the winter but I have trouble pairing it with the right shoes.
thanksgiving anxiety
Basically yes haha, I see this kind of stuff in CA all the time. I think Reformation does better versions of this concept though.
Wedding etiquette
When someones wedding invite says “your presence is present enough” do you still give a monetary gift or not? Sister in law is getting remarried (it is both of their second marriage, already living together and established). Dont have a registry. It is a small destination wedding (on a Friday) and we will be spending 4 figures to attend between flights and hotel. Husband and I are cordial but not particularly close with her. WWYD
Anon
I would give a gift like champagne or a restaurant gift card. I definitely wouldn’t give “stuff” and I probably wouldn’t give cash in this situation either.
Anon
Attend; no gift.
BeenThatGuy
+1 this is exactly what that phrase means
anon
Agree.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
If someone makes the request, I take it at face value. If they didn’t really mean it, it is on them. I don’t want to participate in that kind of weird psychological game.
Anon
+1 million and it applies to other situations, too.
Vicky Austin
+1.
Seventh Sister
This is me as well. I’m not sticking a bunch of stickers in a kids’ birthday card because the mom said “no gifts,” I’ll take it at face value when a couple says no gifts, ESPECIALLY when I am spending a bunch of money to go to a wedding.
Anon
I agree. I would ignore the no presents on the invitation if the wedding is local but if I have to jump on a plane and spend a couple nights in a hotel, I’m not giving a gift on top of it.
Curious
This is my take!
Anon
Yes I’d follow their wishes on this. I did the same and I really, genuinely didn’t want a present. If you feel you still must, despite spending thousands to attend, then make a donation in their names to celebrate their wedding.
Anonymous
Yes I’d follow their wishes on this. I did the same and I really, genuinely didn’t want a present. If you feel you still must, despite spending thousands to attend, then make a donation in their names to celebrate their wedding.
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Anon
I still give something to acknowledge the event, but I’m also a send a gift person in general. I’d do bubbles, flowers, fun consumable, for a closer girlfriend something pretty like a tray or vase.
Anon
May I ask why you do this when the person specifically asks for no gift? I truly don’t understand. The celebration is the wedding, and the person celebrating is happy with that level. There are also other ways to celebrate like paying for a dinner with the couple or something. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable with a gift, and sometimes they don’t want more stuff, and sometimes they feel it creates an obligation they don’t want.
Anon
We had a very long and contentious thread about a year ago about how you can’t control other people’s gifts to you, and gift giving is also about the giver.
Anon
Le sigh, because my friends love gifts and are trying to be polite when they say things like that. I don’t have anyone in my social circle who is offended by presents. Thankfully.
Anon
So what I’m hearing is there’s actually no way for someone to communicate to you that they don’t want a gift?
I get that I can’t control people, but this is wild to me. I hope you at least admit that you’re giving the gift for yourself and not for them.
The social pressure to be grateful for things you don’t want is truly insane.
Anon
That’s fine if you know your friends and they’ll want the gift.
I would never be offended by a gift, but I also take what people say at face value generally and would assume the couple would be grateful for my presence only if that’s what they wrote on the invitation!
Anon
No, what you’re missing is that I actually know my friends.
Anon
No. Don’t do this. The bride has been extremely clear. Don’t send anything. Don’t give anything. It’s a burden to them.
Cat
No gift, I’d maybe take them out for drinks or dinner at home.
Anon
Believe them. No gift. A congratulatory card is fine.
Signed someone who hates getting gifts and truly means no gifts when she says no gifts please!
HFB
Ditto!! I also find it weirdly demeaning when people insist on giving gifts when I politely decline. Not the same situation but similar Example: I am weird about my birthday and I really really don’t like the cake + candles + singing thing. My MIL does it every year even though I have, politely as possible, asked her not to multiple times. I share a bday with my FIL so she always adds on a separate thing for me whenever we go see them for HIS birthday. It kind of feels like a passive aggressive display of dominance? But of course I’m the AH if I push back too hard.
Anon
Omg she is trying to include you not dominate you. Assume positive intentions.
Anon
I’m going to push back on this. It is not positive intentions to repeatedly ignore someone’s requests to not do something under the guise of being nice.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine and it drives me nuts. Like yeah I am ungrateful for the gift I asked you specifically not to get me and I now have to deal with. You can pretend that you had good intentions and wanted to do something “nice” but if I repeatedly tell you I do not like something and you continue to do it, you are the AH for insisting on doing it. At that point it is very clearly not something meant for me because I’ve told you I don’t want it. Stop trying to make my birthday about you.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to a first time offender! But repeatedly not listening to a persons preferences on how to celebrate makes you a jerk and clearly you don’t actually want to celebrate the person, you just want to do what you want to do
Anon
But there is so much social conditioning to respond to attention with “oh you shouldn’t have” that I highly doubt her objections register with the MIL as “this is a giant issue for me.” Also because having extreme reactions to someone saying happy birthday or including you in a toast is rather off/abnormal. It would be one thing if it was something that’s legitimately irritating, like always serving meat when you know she’s a vegetarian.
Anon
I would not give a gift! They have told you they don’t want you to. This is so clear cut to me.
Anon
Adding on, if you want to celebrate more with them, then take them out for drinks or dinner sometime. But seriously I would give no gift of any kind at the wedding!
Anon
+1
This is what I try to do, when the couple asks for no gifts.
Also once I found out where my friends were going out to dinner for their first anniversary. They lived in NYC, and it was a special restaurant. I called ahead to the restaurant and pre-bought them a bottle of champagne. A decent one, but not crazy expensive and less than I would have spent on a wedding gift for sure. The restaurant then treated the dinner like a real special occasion. Gave them the best table, give them some extra treats from the chef etc… My friends still talk about it and try to do it for their good friends.
Anon
Our wedding was like this but most people still have a check/cash. Plenty of people didn’t. A year later I can’t remember who did what — it’s a wedding, not a fundraiser. I say do whatever you are most comfortable. Do not gift stuff unless you know super well that they will like it and do not gift champagne unless you know they love it — we now have 6 very nice bottles of sparkling wine and my spouse can’t drink it because he gets heartburn.
Anonymous
Adding to the chorus of it means no gifts. Against my better judgment, I just got involved in a moms Facebook group debate about this issue when people put no gifts on birthday invitations. I know that it might be uncomfortable to go the a wedding with no gift, but words have meanings and “your presence is the present” should be taken at face value – no gift necessary.
Anon
This is a board of curmudgeons. I think you’re not rude if you don’t gift, especially given the travel involved. It’s pretty common for destination weddings to be no gifting events. But, the couple is your in-laws and that changes the calculus for me. I see them as being polite and proper knowing the destination ask is expensive and by trying to mitigate that with no gifts. Celebrating a wedding is a lovely thing and taking an extra step to acknowledge that would be my vote – get something for them, doesn’t have to be a traditional gift, but something.
Anon
This is ridiculous. How is it rude to do exactly what the couple asked?
If someone actually does not want a gift, what other way would you suggest they word it???
Anon
This is ridiculous. How is it rude to do exactly what the couple asked?
If someone actually does not want a gift, what other way would you suggest they word it???
Anon
Ah fair point re not rude. I read too fast!
I get that those two things are technically different but a gift is never expected so I assume anyone making this statement is really trying to say they don’t want gifts.
NYCer
+1. This wording definitely doesn’t mean “no gifts” in my mind. OP – if you feel inclined to give a gift to this couple (cash, champagne, etc.), go ahead, but it is also fine to just attend without giving a gift.
anon
I don’t think this is common knowledge. I’m sure plenty of people have seen it on other invitations, thought the wording sounded more polite than “NO GIFTS”, and copied it.
Anon
I specifically said it’s not rude to not give a gift. That language is common for destination weddings and is the polite thing to do. It doesn’t suggest huge offense and objection to receiving a gift. This is the only place I’ve ever seen such animus toward gift giving.
Anon
Eh I think not liking getting gifts is similar to people who don’t want kids or regret having kids or have chosen to distance themselves from their family, etc where a lot more people feel this way than you realize because it’s something many people only feel comfortable expressing in an anonymous forum because the social norms are strongly against stating these things or the comments you get when voicing them are so annoying to deal with.
Anon
I understand that etiquette books say a gift is never expected but in reality it is expected at a wedding unless the couple says otherwise. Weddings are the most gift-y occasion there is. To me this is the couple saying they won’t be offended if you don’t give a gift, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want one. Fwiw I would give a gift in this situation and I do not bring gifts to birthday parties where the host says “no gifts please.”
Anon
I had a no gifts please wedding, and j meant it. We were combining households. Most people had to take a flight to our weddings. Despite asking in writing and in person not to give us gifts, we did get some absolute crap we then had to get rid of AND write thank you notes for. It was all such a waste, and we are not waste people.
Take them at their word. If you feel you absolutely must do something, make a donation in their names, but do not expect them to write you a formal thank you note. If the thought of making a donation and not getting a thank you note from the bride (and let’s be real, it’s always the bride) makes you mad, that’s your clue that you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
Anon
+1
Anon
Get a nice card and write a thoughtful wish for their happiness.
A lot of people had to travel for my wedding (family and friends scattered all over and we moved for DH’s job). I really just wanted our friends to come without having to spend even more money on top of the flights and hotels. Some people still gave us presents and some did not. IMHO, fine either way.
Lizard
In your situation, I’d take them at their word and give a nice card with a heartfelt message and no gift.
Anonamoose
Does anyone have divorce attorney recommendations for Washington DC or Georgia? TIA.
Anon
In GA, NOT Cordele & Cordele (they market to men, and their lawyers are terrible). I am in a field where I see work done by divorce lawyers once in a while, and various attorneys with Meriweather & Tharpe seem competent. I don’t have any specific recs there. Just not Cordele & Cordele.
Anon
In Georgia. How contentious? Do you want someone to be nice or someone who will burn the cities and salt the fields?
Mrs. Jones
In the Atlanta area or not?
Anon
This. I have a lot of Atlanta recommendations and some Augusta recommendaitons.
Anonymous
And it is important that you not hire an Atlanta attorney if the case is in Augusta!! And probably a lot of other small towns in GA.
Anonamoose
Thank you both! I think both style recommendations would be helpful at this stage. I’m the party wanting to file and the partner is reluctant, so hiring someone seen as serious/exacting may be an option worth considering.
Anonamoose
Atlanta area is fine. I’m in Athens Thank you!
anon
Barbara Keon is a b*tch on wheels and quite expensive, but if you need to go hard, she’s a great choice. Mindy Pillow or Jennifer Giles would be good middle of the road choices (capable of going hard but also of being more collaborative). Steve Kirson at Kessler & Solomiany if you want to hold hands and sing kumbaya, but not if you want to fight.
Anon
Jennifer and Mindy are both great and this is a good description of their styles. I would also take a good look at Michael Hodes if there are substantial assets.
Comfy Pants
Any recommendations for athleisure pants that can pass for real pants? You’d think almost three years into this WFH thing I would have it mastered but no. For the longest time I wore JCrew stretchy black pants, but recently I’ve been wearing fleece leggings for comfort. It’s much better not dealing with a zipper, etc., but then I end up leaving the house for various reasons and look down and realize I have on fleece leggings on the bottom and business attire up top and look like I got dressed in the dark.
Anon
Athleta Brooklyns (I think that is the pant). Pull on, elastic only in back. I have a lined version from last winter.
Anon
These really look like joggers though. To me they scream I zoomed all morning if you pair with business on top.
Anon
I have a pair of these, but the fabric makes a bit of a swishing noise. Not an issue for zooming from home but if you’re looking for pants that could pass in the office, the noise might give these away.
Mrs. Jones
+1
Anon
Lots of Eileen Fisher fits this bill if you’re willing to spend for it.
Anonymous
Came here to say this. You can find it on Poshmark for less.
Anon
Today, I am wearing a pair of black Eileen Fisher pull on wool pants that are at least 30 years old, and I have been complimented twice. Not athleisure, but they sure feel like it. Zero pilling etc. after so many years of wear.
Anon
Ah yes my latest are the slim bootcut crepe pants and they’re wonderful. They’re not flares, they pretty much just look like straight legs. EF makes great pants all around.
Cat
Look at Spanx
Anonymous
Everlane dream pant
uniqlo usually has some comfy pants too
Anon
Jockey straight-leg ponte pants: https://www.jockey.com/catalog/product/jockey-womens-straight-leg-ponte-pant
So full warning: they are ankle length which I know some folks don’t like, and as shown, they have a small split hem in the front (I presume to go over athletic shoes). However, these are my go-to pants for WFH. They’re very comfortable but the fabric is thick enough to hide lumps and bumps (and most VPL) and if I wear them with a shell + cardigan (or long-sleeve v-neck t-shirt + cardigan) it looks like a normal work outfit. I also needed a solution where I could WFH, walk my dogs, and still run to the post office or the store and not look like I had gotten dressed in the dark (or was wearing pajamas in public) and these turned out to be the solution.
Anon
How do they run? I have to admit, when I saw jockey I thought “no,” but I clicked anyway and those are cute!
Anon
True to size in my experience.
Hmmm
I’ve had good luck with Betabrand
pugsnbourbon
Not specifically athleisure, but the Hayden pants from BRFactory are stretchy, comfy and look decent.
I think there have been other threads about comfy pull-on pants – some I remember are the Marine Layer Alison pants (these might swish) and the pintuck sweatpants from JCrew Factory.
Anon
Tapata Women’s 28”/30”/32”/34” Stretchy Straight Dress Pants with Pockets Tall, Petite, Regular for Office Work Business https://a.co/d/52eJYCp
I’m shocked at how much I like these, and was so glad to be able to buy a long inseam. They’re stretchy pants but they don’t necessarily look like it. I have the charcoal.
Anan
My new favorite are Duluth Trading Company Noga Pants. The cotton blend ones are nice, thick and stretchy.
Anonymous
Washable silk button downs – Quince quality report? Does this mean I can wash it in a washing machine?
MM La fluer T shirts – is the white see-through?
Anon
I have the quince T and I wash it in the machine and hang dry.
Vicky Austin
+1. Size up, they tend to run short.
Anonymous
My silk T is super long
Anon
On the Quince ones, they’re the only thing I love from that brand and yes, washer and dryer for me. Looks brand new out of the dryer.
Anonymous
Wait do you use heat in the dryer or just air? I put mine in a lingerie bag in the wash on cold, but I hang dry and they really wrinkle. It takes me days to get around to steaming them and as a result I wear them less. I love the quality, just not the wrinkles.
Anon
Yeppers, heat in the dryer. Full blast. I take them out right away and hang up. No steaming needed.
Anon
By take them out right away, I mean when the heat cycle is done – they’ll wrinkle like everything else if they sit for a while so I babysit the end of the cycle.
Anonymous
Interesting. I’m remembering I have dried silk before, and it came out looking great, but I do think it shortens the life cycle of the fabric. OTOH, it is moth spit so who knows.
Anon
I mean, I don’t think these are last forever items. If they take me through a year or two and get replaced, I’ll be happy. But the dryer is amazing with them.
anon
What spin cycle do you use? And does the normal spin cycle cause wrinkles, even if you take it out i immediately?
Anon
I just do normal or quick wash. I have a new washer dryer though, and it’s front loading. Washing doesn’t cause wrinkles for me on any of the cycles.
Anon
“HAH” and commiseration to your statement of that’s the only thing you like from Quince.
Same boat here with my one silk shirt (from before their name change and were still called Last Brand) and 2 cashmere sweaters—out of dozens of items purchased and returned. There’s always some minor design or fit thing that’s off.
Anon
Exactly!! And those darn silk shirts keep me trying. And returning everything else.
Ses
Re MM Lafleur T-shirts, I don’t have white but I have light pink and it is not the least bit see-through.
Cb
I’m wearing a sweater fabric midi skirt and it is so warm and cozy. I’ve been wandering around a very chilly London and felt really comfortable while also feeling decently polished.
Curious
you sound like you look really cute!
Anon for this
I found out yesterday that a friend’s cancer has come back and almost certainly has spread, and the prognosis is weeks to months. I found out through our close mutual friend, he didn’t tell me directly. Would you say something? I wish there was something I could do or say or send, but I don’t want to overstep the mark since I don’t “know” officially. Making this doubly hard is the fact that I moved far away last year (think NY vs CA) so I can’t just drop by and see him.
Have any of you been in this situation before? What did you do? I was planning to send him a Christmas card, and thinking I’ll just keep it light but also how much I miss seeing him and value his friendship, etc.
AIMS
I think you can just reach out and say you’re thinking of him and everything else you mentioned. If the prognosis is weeks to months I wouldn’t drag my feet just to not intrude. It’s most certainly a weird experience for him to notify people of this so just reach out. You don’t have to say anything about ten actual diagnosis or how you learned and if he doesn’t want to follow up, that’s ok.
Anon
+1
I can imagine how incredibly painful it would be for him to reach out to every friend individually. It is usually spread through friends, so now is your time to act. And now is your time that if he is a close friend, you plan a short visit.
Anon
Reach out, you don’t have time to overthink this. Tell him everything you’d want to say about how much you love and value him, I’m so sorry.
Vicky Austin
I’m sorry to hear about your friend, but like others have said, I wouldn’t wait. Make sure it’s clear you don’t expect a response and just express your love and support. Hopefully it brings him some comfort.
Curious
+1. He might be too overwhelmed to answer, but being remembered matters.
Anonymous
I have cancer (not as serious as your friend) and I wanted to tell people on my terms. I was really clear with people on who should know. Talk with the friend that told you to give a heads up. Then reach out and acknowledge but make it clear a response isn’t expected. It’s hard enough to manage your own emotions without feeling you have to be on for the rest of the world. Also don’t make presumptions on their health. There are a whole lot of people out there who feel comfortable trying to be experts in your cancer care who shouldn’t. Follow the sick friend’s lead.
Anon
I think it’s okay to acknowledge even though he didn’t tell you. He likely didn’t want to have to call all his friends with that news.
Anon
You can also just tell him what he means to you without getting into the diagnosis. I was confirming holiday card mailing addresses and got a long text back telling me how much I meant to them and helped in their life. It was so lovely and no one is dying as far as I know.
Traveler
+1
I have cancer (serious but treatable, good odds). I never felt so loved as once the word started to spread that I am sick. One of the many life lessons I am taking from this experience is to encourage everyone to share with your friends how much they mean to you, and not only express it during times of crisis.
By all means do it now, but life is short and precious and the people in your life matter so much more than jobs and material things.
nuqotw
Perhaps a silly question: can I wear a scarf/wrap (not an outerwear scarf, I mean as part of an outfit) over a turtleneck sweater? Is there are particular way to make this work as a style choice? I could wear a long necklace and sometimes do but as it gets colder I would love to have a warmer option.
Anon
My 72 year old aunt wears silk scarves over turtleneck sweaters. She was an administrator at a private school before retiring, so I think it’s a very doable look but it’s also an older WASP look in my experience.
Anon.
I have many scarves and I think Youtube has many ideas to tie them.
Some inspiration: https://helloglow.co/how-to-tie-a-scarf/
Anonymous
Yes, you can. Just know that silk scarf + turtleneck is going to lean very classic. A chunky knit scarf wound around your neck is going to feel more casual and less classic, but scarves worn like that had their moment some years ago. Still perfectly wearable, just no longer trending.
I’d go for a chunky scarf, piled around my neck in a way that obscures the fact that it’s a turtleneck.
ANON1
I am a cancer survivor (had cancer at 21, 27 now and doing well- praise God). I would suggest sending the Christmas card but also reaching out via phone call. Just ask how things are going and let the friend lead the conversation. A cancer diagnosis (especially with a dim prognosis) is a lot to handle and people respond differently. Some want to talk about it, some prefer to keep it to themselves. I have done both. Your friend will likely be comforted by your reaching out and they can decide how to proceed.
Anonymous
+1. Plus, even if you are willing to talk about it, it is absolutely exhausting to have to tell people out of the blue about the diagnosis. It puts a ton of pressure on the person who is sick to have to comfort the person they are telling. I definitely agree to reach out in a low pressure way.
Anon
I can imagine if you’ve been told you have only a short amount of time to live, calling everyone you know to tell them probably isn’t at the top of the list of things you want to do.
Anonymous
Do you all have a bucket list? Whether you call it that or not, what are some things you want to do in life and do you have age targets or plans for those things?
Anon
Nope.
BeenThatGuy
I did, once. I was in a major funk the year leading up to my 40th birthday. I challenged myself to do 1 thing every month that either scared me or that I always wanted to do. I took a solo vacation, I got a very big tattoo that I always wanted, I started dating again after years off the market, I got my n!pples pierced. It was a huge year of growth for me and I’m so glad I did it!
Deedee
I don’t enjoy setting lots of goals for myself. I find that something about a list of personal goals makes my inner rebel say “F you, self” and not want to make progress on them. I don’t like NY resolutions for the same reason. I prefer hopes and wishes that transform into goals when I’m ready. So, lots of mine are small or vague; I’ll share a few for inspo:
– Have kids – in progress!
– Save well for retirement – ditto
– Run another half marathon (I’ve done 3 now) and at some point consider a full. TBQH rn I’m just focused on maintaining fitness while preg
– Spend xmas holidays surrounded by traditional Christmas markets somewhere in Europe – thinking we might do this next year
– Attend the Macy’s Day parade in person, sometime aways in the future when we have children aged to appreciate it
– travel to the desert
– receive a puppy as a surprise present from my spouse at a mutually agreed upon life stage! (we didn’t do a marriage proposal, this is my substitute)
– take a trip with my mom before her health declines
– consider lasik?
– get braces – completed 2 years ago!
– continue to learn to ski and golf, two activities at which I’m a complete beginner
I’d love to know both the big and small goals y’all have!
Vicky Austin
Haha, I have ALWAYS wanted to “open” a (pre-planned, responsibly obtained) puppy on Christmas! My husband has fond memories of Santa bringing their family dog one Christmas Eve when he was a kid. Dog is long gone, but his little Christmas puppy collar hangs on our tree.
Vicky Austin
I used a bad word, so this will double-post; sorry!
Haha, I have ALWAYS wanted to “open” a (pre-planned, responsibly obtained) puppy on Christmas! My husband has fond memories of Santa bringing their family dog one Christmas Eve when he was a kid. Dog is long gone, but his little Christmas puppy coll@r hangs on our tree.
Anon
Bump Lasik to the top of your list. Most life changing in the best way thing I’ve ever done.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I just came back from a weekend in Cologne and I’m going to Strasbourg this coming weekend, so just wanted to say I 100% support your Christmas market goals! Cologne was my first Christmas market city, and I loved it. They all seem to close on December 23rd or 24th though, so maybe consider it for a quick pre-Christmas getaway, instead of actually spending Christmas at them?
Anon
No, I was diagnosed with what was at the time a fatal disease but is now treatable at 40 and decided I would just take one day at a time as the days were given to me. I find bucket lists to be very mauldin and depressing.
Anon
here here
I wish you the best.
Explorette
To your point, my bucket list is not a bucket list because that implies no age targets or plans. I have a 10 things in 10 years list. If I was going to die in 10 years, what would I want to have done in my life. I try to do one thing a year.
Anon
I don’t have any real bucket list items because I won’t want to have a goal that I can’t really hit. I would love to go on an African safari and see the animals but that sounds super expensive. I have more short term attainable goals like run a half marathon which was a product of covid isolation and finally pass $100K salary.
Anonymous
I did a safari for my honeymoon and it was the most expensive vacation I’ve ever taken, but worth it. If you ever decide to do one, we went to Tanzania because it was considerably cheaper than South Africa (company we used was Access2Tanzania, and they were great), and also you don’t need as long as you think you might, which can cut down on the cost. We did a week and a half and honestly could have easily done only 4 or 5 days actually on safari. The first lion is super exciting. The 30th lion less so.
Anonymous
I did a safari for my honeymoon and it was the most expensive vacation I’ve ever taken, but worth it. If you ever decide to do one, we went to Tanzania because it was considerably cheaper than South Africa, and also you don’t need as long as you think you might, which can cut down on the cost. We did a week and a half and honestly could have easily done only 4 or 5 days actually on safari. The first lion is super exciting. The 30th lion less so.
Anon
Only when it comes to travel.
anony horse girl
Mine is competing (at least once) at grand prix level in dressage and I’m THISCLOSE right now with a loaner horse but it still feels unattainable. I just don’t have enough time to ride to feel ready for it.
anon
I have some things I’d like to do, but I never set an age/time limit on it. That’s way too much pressure.
Anonymous
Only for travel. I did have “own a horse” but accomplished that a few years ago:-) I paid off my student loans and immediately turned around and bought a horse.
Senior Attorney
Not a bucket list, but every year (and every month on a smaller scale) my husband and I make goals for the upcoming year/month and that’s been fun. It’s generally things like house projects and trips, with a few healthy/fitness things scattered in.
Anonymous
I don’t and never have but my quickly approaching 49th birthday is making me ruminate about some things I want to do by 50. They are mostly physical goals, though, some financial but that is just bc the last few years have been very bad in that area for me. The big idea in my mind is just to set myself up better before menopause hits and to stave off mental math that I am “too old” for things.
Black turtleneck
Please share recommendations for your favorite black turtleneck or mocknecks! Feeling like this is a hole in my wardrobe. Preferably less than $100. Open to anything from tissue-weight to more of a sweater. Thanks!
Anonymous
jcrew!
Vicky Austin
+1 or factory!
Cb
I feel like this is what Uniqlo does really well?
Anon
I particularly like the heattech heavy fleece ones. So cozy.
Chl
Jcrew for tissue turtleneck. Everlane or Nordstrom cashmere for sweaters. I also have a banana turtleneck sweater I love.
HFB
401k question: I will receive my final paycheck of 2022 on Dec 23. The 401k contribution from that check will bring me to the max for 2022. However, the next paycheck I receive in the 1st week of January will be my pay from the last two weeks of 2023. Will the January contribution count towards 2022 (thus putting me over the limit)? Or will it count towards 2023? TIA!
Davis
The January contribution will be for 2023 since that’s when it is added to your 401k account. It’s about when it’s delivered and not when it’s earned.
Yay for investing in yourself and your future!
Anonymous
2023
Anon
Also in every job I’ve had HR just stops taking out the contributions once you’ve hit your limit. So if normally $700 comes out per check but you only have $500 left before you hit the limit, $500 will come out (and your take home will be $200 higher).
Anonymous
Turns out I have about nine days off between now and year end in addition to weekends and paid holidays. I’m also not going anywhere I don’t think, as Christmas is not a family holiday for me. Visiting my senior citizen parents is something I might do but once you are there they INSIST that you stay another week, another week and they are stressful and there goes your relaxing break. And sadly I don’t want to travel given how much covid is out there now. So what do I do?
To be honest, I tend to get anxious when I have a lot of time on my hands – lots of overthinking about the future, worrying about parents etc. I mean my apartment is an utter mess and needs to be organized and cleaned but IDK if I even want to deal with that at all let alone for weeks. Same with updating my resume, making outlines for networking conversations. I need to do those things but don’t want to. I’m in DC so if weather is warm enough I’d like to go out once and look at the houses in Georgetown decorated for Christmas but that’s a few hours one day. WWYD? I feel like if I don’t come up with some sort of list, I’ll be an anxious mess come Jan and will have had nothing to show for my relaxing time off besides lying in front of the tv watching bowl games.
Chl
I totally know this feeling! Know yourself and whether a day of admin stuff is better Vs. One thing everyday. Make a high level calendar or schedule with one or two things everyday. If I can get myself out of the house early in the day, the whole thing runs more productive in my opinion.
Anonymous
That is what you SHOULD have to show for your relaxing time off. The point of relaxing time off is to relax, not to get things done! Give yourself permission to do NOTHING productive for a full week and then see if you feel motivated to clean up some at some point. You probably will if you feel well-rested enough. If not, you needed the rest.
Anon
Since it’s what would you do, I’d go somewhere with 9 days off. From DC I’d take myself to Paris for a few days at least. I’d clean my apartment and also have a cleaning service come to polish it up after so it’s really clean and fresh. I’d walk around the city and go to all the places I’m usually too busy to go to. I would scrap “networking outlines” – that just weird. Networking is just talking to people and a script is awkward.
Cat
personally I am in a better mood when my house is in order so taking a day or two to reset would leave me feeling refreshed!
I don’t really see the enhanced Covid risk of traveling as opposed to doing stuff at home at this point, so personally would be looking up anywhere I could get a decently-priced flight and GO.
Anonymous
Yes travel is covid risky as you’re crammed into airports and planes with people. Around town if you go into a store and it’s crowded with people coughing all over, you can leave. That’s a bit harder once you’re thru airport security and even more once the flight pushes back from the gate. I mean I’m ok traveling but someone who is looking to go see outdoor decor probably does not feel ok in a plane yet.
Anon
I’ve had this kind of situation before. Just an idea, if you have a local friend or two you’ve been meaning to see. Reach out and offer to meet up with them for lunch. I had a friend who is super bad at taking PTO and we made a whole afternoon of it. Including checking out some stores that are normally packed on weekends.
helloanon
I would make a schedule; otherwise I could just while away the days scrolling/binging shows and end up feeling blah rather than refreshed. On my list would be:
1. Being a tourist in my city – visit the local art museum to see new exhibits, try out a bakery I’ve been hearing about in a new neighborhood, etc. Looks like you are in DC so there are TONS of museums for you to explore! Color me jealous. :)
2. Bake something that takes time – so not a quick pan of brownies I can throw together after work. Maybe macarons or pain au chocolat.
3. Clean and organize my home by breaking it up into small tasks and assigning tasks each free day until I’m done. I clean this way throughout the week too – dust Mon, vacuum Tue, clean 1 bathroom Wed and another Thursday, etc. The whole house is never spotless at one time but it is always pretty clean and I never have to block out a ton of weekend time to do it, which I appreciate.
4. Buy a fancy coffee or tea and find a cozy spot to read, even at home. Have a stack of books ready from the library.
5. Make plans to meet friends for a drink or meal.
6. Do end of year stuff – review my budget, take a look at investments, and think about goals for next year.
7. Do some of my hobbies – lately that is exercise, creative writing, crochet, and learning a language.
I would actually write this stuff down in my calendar so I have a plan for days off and something to look forward to.
Anon
I totally understand this!
For me, personally, having the house in order is relaxing. I think I’d take some time at the beginning of the break to tackle some of those tasks so that the rest would be joyful. Then give yourself permission to sit on the couch with Netflix if that’s what you want to do!!
Let go of the obligation to plan everything. There’s no need for networking outlines, etc.
One question I have is about a parental visit. My family is abusive so I am no contact. That’s my preface so you don’t think I’m pressuring! If you want to have a short visit with them (it seems like you’re open to that, but just not staying another week), is it possible for you to go for whatever time you want and then refuse to stay another week? You can just say “I can’t stay another week; I’ve got things I must accomplish at home.” This is true even if the things you must accomplish are related to rest. Please ignore this thought if it won’t work for you. But that could help with the tendency to worry about them and would give a concrete idea of something to do.
Anonymous
Maybe a visit at the end of your time off, so you have back to work as an excuse for why you can’t stay.
Anon
+1 on the parent thing. I would actually have lied to my Mom that I didn’t have any choice and had to be back for work after a week. Or less, I never stayed a full week. But “I have to work” was the only acceptable excuse. “I need personal time,” was an affront.
Anonymous
OP here – FWIW my parents don’t know about my time for. Just past history that once you’re there and because you’re work from home and single why on earth would you leave. And yes personal time or needing to take care of your own place are not reasons to them. I realize I could just pack up and leave but they’re elderly, lonely, and lay on the guilt trip so I always end up staying longer even if it harms my mental health. Good idea to only go towards the end of the time off, and I haven’t been clear on exact dates regarding work from home ending.
Anonymous
Do you have local friends you could invite over for a game night or party? That would be fun! Or plan an outing to a winery with some friends — most of them allow you to bring snacks and you can make a day of it. Or maybe take on a big cooking project? That’s what I used to do when I had a day off in my single days.
Anonymous
If you have a car – take a trip to one of the Korean spas in Virginia for a day.
Allot yourself a couple days for intense cleaning and organizing. Then for the other days, be a tourist in the area if you’re not inclined to travel out of the area. Plenty of museums, theater, parks, holiday markets to visit. Eat lunch at a restaurant that you’ve been dying to try but too packed or expensive for dinner. If you want DC specific recs, let the hive know and we will always come up with a long list!
Here’s all the things I will or want to do in DC this season, to start:
– US Botanical Gardens trains exhibit
– DC Holiday market downtown
– Spy Museum since they’ve relocated
– go see a play at one of the many theaters in town
– finally haul myself to see the Kusama exhibit at the Hirshhorn
– revisit Renwick
– try for a pass at the National Museum of African American History and Culture
– go up the Old Post Office Tower
– ice skating at Sculpture Garden?
– try a nice restaurant somewhere
– Zoolights at National Zoo in the evening
– if have car, drive to MD or VA for day hikes, visit Mount Vernon? bike there?
– National Arboretum
– explore bookstores and libraries
– once have book, find a cozy coffeeshop and read with hot drink
– dumbarton oaks gardens!
– if going to georgetown, why not stay until dusk and take a look at the georgetown glow installations?
– see what free show is going on at the kennedy center
– work on your resume and other stuff at a coffeeshop or library; sometimes i find just not being in my own place makes me more productive
– take some fitness classes during the day, ones that you’ve wanted to try but haven’t had the time
and this is just a few off my loooong list
Anon
I love Dumbarton Oaks so much.
Anon
I would use three of your nine days to really commit to cleaning your apartment. It will keep you busy and keep your mind from spiraling, and the upside is that you’ll have a nice organized space you enjoy for the remaining six days + holidays. Get some trash bags or big boxes and create boxes/piles for 1) definitely trash, 2) definitely donate, 3) not sure, and 4) keep, but not here. Deal with 1 and 2 the same day, and give yourself a deadline for dealing with 3) and 4). For the keep, but somewhere else items, once you clean out another area and get rid of junk there, you’ll probably find the place where those items should be stored.
TrixieRuby
I recently hired someone from T@sk R@bbit to help me tackle the basement. Together we spent 3.5 hours sorting, cleraning, throwing away, organizing, etc. We played music, had coffee after two hours, and accomplished so much! I would never have done it alone, and it was so much more fun and satisfying to do it with another person, even a hired stranger. so, maybe tackle your house with a hired helper, and you will actually do the thing, and feel better.
HFB
How do you wear tights with this skirt without having the skirt stick to your tights? I have a very dominant skirt and the fabric is too heavy to wear in warm weather but when it’s cold enough to wear the skirt it’s also cold enough to require tights. Static guard hasn’t helped and I haven’t been able to find long enough slips. ..? I did see someone this morning wearing a similar skirt with tights but she walked by too fast for me to ask her. Plus that’s be a weird thing to ask a stranger in the subway I think, haha.
Anon
Wear a slip.
Anon
Oh I see you considered this, I’ve gotten long ones on Amazon.
anon
Have you tried rubbing a fabric softener sheet over your tights? Sometimes that works better than static guard.
Anon
I’ve found a shorter slip still gets the job done. Most of the issue with clinging and static is around the thighs for me.
No Problem
I gave up tights years ago because I hate how they feel around my waist/hip area. I wear all of my winter skirts with knee high socks and boots, no tights. If you insist on wearing tights, check online for longer slips – they probably are pretty hard to find in stores.
anon
I’ve given up on tights and go with long Jockey skimmies and tall boots with wool socks. With long skirts and dresses, no skin is exposed and I seem to stay warm enough. I don’t know why tights are so terrible for me, but they are. I’ve wasted so much money on ill-fitting tights.
Lydia
you can also try putting on hand lotion, then rubbing what’s left on your hands on your legs. This helps (also in conjunction with a slip…I usually can only find them on Amaz*n!)
Cat
A knee-length slip + wearing it with knee-high leather boots.
HFB
Oops- dominant = similar.
Anon
Don’t let that skirt dominate you! You are in charge! Let it know you are the boss here.
Anon
LOL!
SFAttorney
The skirt is lined. The lining plus Static Guard minimize it sticking.
Anon
My in-laws are setting up end-of-life plans, and I’m so glad they are planning, but so frustrated with the choices. Apparently the goal is to set up “checks and balances”, preferably requiring unanimity among the 4 children, spread across 4 continents! It’s just typical that they don’t believe their kids can handle responsibility, even though as far as I know, they don’t have any concerns about bad actors. I’m not part of the conversation, so just screaming into the void here!!!
Anon
On what exactly? That’s going to be hard to execute if it’s about things like assisted living and the like. If it’s on sell the family home or not, that’s a different story. Might be worth encouraging your husband to say something.
Anon
The details haven’t been fully discussed. But I believe this is mainly about care and living arrangements. I foresee it’s likely to be a nightmare!
Anon
Oh yikes, that is a nightmare! Living through it at the moment. The only solace is that options tend to limit themselves so consensus is easier than I would have anticipated. Most of the disagreements are around the edges and getting the parents to understand and agree to the best plan.
anon
What happens if there isn’t unanimity?! Someone has to be deputized to make the call.
Cat
Depends on what the checks and balances are for. There can be simmering issues if for example the kid who stayed closer to home has both the day-to-day physical caring obligations and the main access to parents’ banking, like siblings elsewhere might feel guilty about the burden on the other kid but also not quite sure where some of the money is going…
OP
Yup, you nailed it! I think the parents’ goal is to take power away from the kid who is doing 100% of the day to day caring and logistics. DH is pushing back on that point particularly, because the siblings have more appreciation and respect for that responsibility than the parents do (possibly because I’ve been beating that drum for a long time).
Cat
I think maybe after-the-fact review, vs. too much upfront approval logistics, might help for your family, then. Like, if all the siblings get copies of the prior month’s transactions, no one has to wonder ‘gee, how did Local Kid’s daughter suddenly afford a new car?”
Senior Attorney
OMG that is horrible. I’ve often said that although I was resentful as he!! about having the sole responsibility for my parents in their later years, the upside was that I got to make all the decisions with no second-guessing from the non-helping siblings.
Anon
Is your ILs’ last name Roy, by chance?
Anon
I am from a family of three siblings and only one of us still lives in our home town, my sister. Our dad died when we were young, so there was just my mom, but a lot of my mom’s later in life care fell to my sister who lived closest. I’m a several hours drive away, so the best I could do was to drop everything and spend several days with mom during hospitalizations etc, but the day to day stuff like appointments or going to the grocery store for mom when she couldn’t, that fell to my sister and to some degree to her young adult children/mom’s grandchildren.
I was an am grateful to family nearby for being there to do the day to day, but the truth is, my sister and her kids were skimming money from my mom. They felt entitled to it. It wasn’t so much an issue of them “cheating” the other two of us out of any inheritance. The problem was that mom was running out of money. She lived a very meager lifestyle, and as an example, had a very base model cell phone on the cheapest plan for emergencies. Meanwhile my niece, who was unemployed had the latest model iPhone at all times, and yep, it turned out she was charging it to mom’s account.
When my mom got to the end of life planning, she divided things between us siblings. My nearby sibling got medical POA, and my husband and I took over the finances. That is when the skimming came to light. We didn’t accuse anyone of anything directly but we did things like “mom, was it your intention to pay for Katelyn’s phone and service, and also Madisyn’s cable bill?” When the answer was no, we cut it off and let the recipients know that they had 30 days to figure out an alternative plan. Surprisingly, her weekly grocery bill stopped being $300 when we had someone other than my sister do the shopping.
Instances like this are why parents split things up. My sister would tell you she is the most ethical person on earth, but it turns out she is not so much that when she feels entitled to some sort of compensation for helping.
Anon
While I don’t know your family, I do know a lot about caregiving, and about the out of states siblings … Just, try to look at it a little from the other side. You may be TOTALLY right and I have seen many examples of elderly financial abuse. Just…. ugh.
But I wonder… so your sister and her family are doing all of your Mom’s local care? Her shopping? Taking her to doctor’s appointments? Available 24hrs a day in case of emergency? Inviting her over for dinner? Grandkids actually still visit and love her? If so, this is totally amazing and you are so so so so so so so so so so lucky. You should have at a minimum been visiting multiple times a year to give your sister a break, and it doesn’t sound like you were. Maybe you were handling all of her bills/taxes/medical billing errors, since that can be done remotely? Probably not since you dont’ mention it. Sounds like you only came when she was hospitalized? Not so helpful, actually….
Before you judge, I would add up the costs about how much paying someone to do everything your sister did. You would be shocked. She would need someone local like a Care Manager just to oversee. Your Mom would need a caregiver in 4 hr minimum shifts to do all of the errands/home help each day she needed help. Doctor’s appointments days are often longer shifts, and sometimes you have to hire someone more knowledgeable who can communicate with the doctor for your Mom as an advocate. You would have needed to take the time to do finances/bills/calling insurance etc.. for all of those years in the past or hire an accountant to do it and realize that you will overpay because so many medical billing errors happen, as an accountant wont take the time to fix those. Now when you add up all of that $$, and realize your sister was doing it all… Was your sister really skimming that much? Was she skimming thousands of dollars a month? Because that’s what it costs. And honestly, it is so wonderful that her family was able to supply care rather than a random homecare worker, who also can steal from you and worse (this happened in my family).
I was the caregiver for years for my parents, who stayed local. It was a huge, huge burden. When my father did his Estate planning, he split everything equally with all siblings, and “to take the pressure of local daughter” had my brother be Executor. Even he didn’t anticipate how many years the care would take. My brother came once a year to visit my Dad at Christmas and never helped with anything else.
So OP… just be aware…. you need to start pitching in more time and money to start caring for your Mom. Now. Because if your sister decides her family needs to move, or she gets tired, or she decides she has done enough because she doesn’t feel appreciated…….. it’s your turn.
Or I could be wrong…. your sister could be evil, giving your Mom bad care all these years, and stealing 100s of dollars of free cell phone/internet service and…. food…. from your Mom.
Anon
There’s a lot more here, but the fact is, my sister and her kids were stealing from my mom, who had almost no money, because they had a sense of entitlement. I did visit at least once a month by the way, which is how I noticed all the expensive stuff my nieces had.
It is never OK to steal, even if you think it’s cheaper than hiring caregivers. Stealing is wrong, period.
anon
Late to the party commenting. I’ve spent the better part of the last decade dealing with my grandma’s decision that her children who did not get along needed to make decisions jointly. It did not go well, especially for everyone (e.g., medical professionals) that need unanimity in the decisions as grandma was incapacitated. While grandma’s lawyer advised against grandma’s plan, the lawyer was able to do a few things that mitigated the general issues. First, only big medical decisions needed to be unanimous (e.g., end of life, major decisions, etc.) and all children had rights to access health care information. Second, on financial matters, all children were authorized as Powers of Attorney but consensus was not required, and it likewise allowed the children not managing to have access to information. Third, there needs to be a tie-breaker mechanism – in grandma’s case it was the doctor, plus clearly outlined wishes. So, yeah, it can be done but there will be headaches.
Sunrise Simulator
Big thanks to the many of you who have recommended the sunrise simulating clock over the years and to the person who posted a link to one recently! I finally gave in and ordered it. After about a week, I’m not sure why I didn’t buy it sooner! I am waking up much better and I love not immediately relying on my phone for an alarm or as a flashlight, as was my prior habit. The sunset option is great to fall asleep with, too!
Anonymous
Would you order caviar from Costco to try some or would you leave it to a restaurant? I’m thinking of things like mussels and clams where I vastly prefer to have a chef assess the quality and prepare them. I can’t believe I’m saying this but my 13-year-old son has an interest in trying caviar (thanks, Mr. Beast) and I was thinking of getting some for Xmas.
Anonymous
I mean it is probably for the best if your 13 year old doesn’t like it, so maybe best to get crappy caviar. Or at least, to get him used to cheaper caviar from the start!
BeenThatGuy
I disagree. Get the best there is. Do you live near a local fish market? I’d start there. If not, Whole Foods.
anonshmanon
Consider the possibility that he might not like it. Will the rest of the family be able to finish a Costco sized package of caviar? No concerns about quality, though.
Anon
I mean, I just get it at Whole Foods and it’s a fun appetizer – comes next to the blini packages. I don’t have room for Costco sized products so I wouldn’t go there personally, a little caviar goes a long way.
Anne-on
+1 – I’ve just grabbed it at whole foods on occasion. There are different types/styles, but the smaller eggs are probably what I’d start with. Caviar is fantastic on latkes or if you’re up for a project buckwheat blinis aren’t difficult to make.
Anonymous
Caviar is fantastic on latkes. Lady, you just made my day! To Whole Foods!
Anne-on
Yay, enjoy! I have such fond memories of my Russian friend’s parents having all of us teenagers over during one holiday break and setting up a toppings bar for the latkes which included caviar. It was my first time trying it (whereas it was a fridge staple for them) and I felt VERY fancy.
Anon
Oh i think this could be so fun. We did caviar and champagne last christmas and it made it all feel super fancy even though it was at home with grandparents. I’d order it from costco but set it up with all the fixings (onion, egg, sour cream, toasts or chips) and make it a fancy christmas thing for everyone! Maybe serve smoked salmon too?
Senior Attorney
I have no advice but this is adorable!
Anonymous
(just to be clear I don’t think Costco has an unusually sized tin of caviar – i was just going on SA’s theory of “trust the Costco buyers.”)
Curious
Yet more solid advice from SA.
Anon
Agree with others. Whole Foods. Get some creme fraiche and some thin white bread while you’re there. Have son help you hard boil an egg or too and toast the bread. Maybe mince a bit of onion and put it in ice water, but for me, I skip this. Cut the toast into little triangles, try different combinations as a way of seeing what you / he like. It’s fun! And a jar of caviar is a great investment in spending this kind of time with your kid, coming from someone who has just been though the teen years!!
Ps your son might like tobiko or even ikura at a sushi restaurant. Tobiko is often just used as a topping but you can ask for tobiko or ikura nigiri – the chef will likely create a collar of nori the tobiko sits in atop a little bit of rice.
Coffee Maker - No Hot Water on Plastic?
Seeking recommendation for a drip coffee maker…but specifically: where the hot water touches no or minimal amounts of plastic (filter basket, carafe lid, piping, etc). Plastic storage tank for the cold water is fine…simply trying to limit heated plastics.
The Moccamaster looks intriguing! Can someone help comment on what plastic components the heated water comes in contact with?
Anon
I make one cup at a time and use a ceramic pour over. Won’t work for you if you need to brew more at once but definitely avoids plastic!
Coffee Maker OP
Yes! This and French press is what we do on the weekends. Looking for a maker for when family is visiting and most importantly, for the days when husband and I are both WFH. Short on time and high volume needed lol.
pugsnbourbon
Pour-over can be finicky (at least according to my wife, lol) but there’s no plastic. She just puts the filter and grounds right over her mug.
anon
I have a fine metal mesh pour over, so I don’t even need to use a paper filter.
Betsy
I love my Moccamaster but it probably isn’t for you. Plastic pipe for the hot water, plastic filter basket, and plastic carafe lid.
Anon
Chemex is the gold standard for a reason – it’s hard to build a better mousetrap. It’s not even very expensive.
Anon
Why don’t you want it touching plastic?
Anonymous
French press is probably easier to get than a drip. My husband makes one pot of french press for himself. I use an aeropress because I like the ritual and I only want one small cup a day.
Anon
South Indian filter coffee maker. Stainless steel
Anon
Just read an article that schools near me are making plans for virtual instruction this winter due to a predicted high level of faculty and staff shortages due to illness and a lack of subs and aides. I know school administrators and teachers are doing everything they can but this is very disheartening to hear, especially after seeing the learning loss attributed to remote schooling during the pandemic.
BeenThatGuy
Better to have a plan and not need it, than not have a plan and need one. Hoping for the best for you and your kids!
Anonymous
+1
The triple-demic of Covid, flu, RSV has been brutal here. Best to be prepared.
Anon
All of my kids’ lessons are still listed on CANVAS. So if the teacher is out, they just do it at school with an admin or sub proctoring the room. I think they’d need to have a TON of teacher/admin absences to go remote again. One remote class a day often happens due to absences.
Anon
It sounds like this remote plan is for when they can’t get subs or any adult to proctor the room.
The article covered a few different school districts’ plans, one of which has the plan for the entire school to go remote on those days because they anticipate there not being enough adults for a proper adult:child ratio.
It does truly sound like an option that’s a last resort but it’s not great for education, it brings back the equity issues that we’re present during Covid (computer/internet access, meal access for food insecure families, needing a a decent place (electricity and heat, quiet enough, not responsible for watching siblings) to do school work), and is a childcare nightmare.
Now that most parents are back in the office with some regularity, this throws a wrench in plans. Parents will have to stay home when they or their kids are sick and when the schools are closed. I have some wiggle room for wfh but not a ton.
Teachers are asked to do so much with so little so another roadblock to education is frustrating! So many are understandably leaving the profession due to low pay, harassment, poor working conditions and now these issues being neglected over the years are coming home to roost with the staffing shortages, and education is going to be impacted.
Add in the combination of a bad flu year, RSV, and Covid. It’s going to be rough.
KS IT Chick
One district here declared that today is the last day of the fall semester. They have a 40% absentee rate among students, and above 50% among faculty and staff. The superintendent that he understands that the response is less than ideal, but without teachers to teach, he doesn’t have a school.
anonshmanon
that’s a good point. My area also has scores of kids out sick. So it’s not fair to compare online learning against a perfect scenario where everyone is in school. You have to gauge what is the best you can do with the situation at hand.
Anon
My frustration is that even before winter and the high numbers of teachers out on sick leave, there were high levels of teacher shortages in my area because teachers are treated like cr@p and many left the profession (seeing similar issues with nurses, LPNs, CNAs and the like too). I don’t blame teachers or administrators at all. I’m frustrated that schools aren’t given the resources they need and that it ends up hurting students and families.
I am not a teacher but I work in human services so I see the trickle down impacts: how are kids receiving free breakfast and lunch going to get those meals? For parents of young children who can’t afford to stay home or hire childcare, what’s happening to those kids on random closures now? If students don’t have computer or internet access at home, they won’t be able to log on – how will this impact their education? Over 1/5th of adults in my city are categorized as functionally illiterate with even more reading below a 6th grade reading level, so interruptions to education are worrisome. This low literacy rate means that they have trouble filling out job applications or applying for benefits and services.
Anonymous
Out of interest what area is this? That is a very concerning literacy rate.
Anonymous
Quickly googling some cities’ adult literacy rates:
Chicago: 53% limited/low literacy
Detroit: 47% functionally illiterate
Philadelphia: 52% functionally illiterate, 2/3 are low literacy
LA County: 53% low literacy
New Orleans: 26% low literacy
Anon
Teachers have told me that they wish they could drop everything and teach their older students to read. (In fact they cannot diverge that far from the curriculum.)
Anon
Wait, do you even have kids? Or do you just like to blame teachers for things outside of their control (like a pandemic)?
Anon
What would you prefer that they do? My son got sent home from school a couple of weeks ago because half his teachers were out sick, and they couldn’t find enough substitute teachers to cover the classes. Rather than having the kids (half of whom were also out sick) sit in the library all day, they emailed everyone and said they were sending people home. Education depends on teachers being present to teach. Maybe if we all had a little more respect for teachers – and paid them appropriately for the outsize role they play in our society – more people would be attracted to the profession, and we’d be able to cover classes when teachers are out.
Rant: this is the end result of people continually cr@pping on teachers, calling them lazy and entitled, etc. and devaluing their work, which has been going on for years (even pre-pandemic, but during the pandemic it got way worse). We have a contingent of people in America who think they know better than trained educators how to run schools, and how to teach kids, but instead of pulling their kids out to homeschool them, they leave their kids in school and just complain incessantly about how bad educators are at their jobs. My mom was a career teacher, my MIL was a career teacher and it is much harder work than just about anyone on this blog is doing. Somehow teachers are lazy and useless but I don’t see folks here rolling up their sleeves to teach their own kids! If you’re “disheartened” at the idea that kids may have to do online learning because there literally ARE NOT ENOUGH TEACHERS to teach them, here’s an idea: quit your job and go get a teacher’s license and become part of the solution, vs. being part of the problem. Or, you could at least pull your own kids (assuming you have some) out of school and teach them at home, yourself, so that you can dictate the terms of their education and make sure it meets your exacting standards.
Anon
Hi – I am the Anon that is the OP and have posted several responses as Anon.
I’m EXTREMELY pro teacher and I am sorry my original comment did not come off that way. My mom is in her 38th year of teaching, my brother is a teacher, and I work in social and human services for my county and have discussed where my concerns come from.
There are teacher shortages because teachers are treated and paid horribly. I very much understand why many left the profession.
Teachers work incredibly hard with incredibly lean resources and do very important work. I have a huge amount of respect for them. Administrators are doing everything they can to keep schools running on lean budgets and lean staffs.
I’m disheartened because it feels like nothing is being done to address the root of the problem so this is going to be a continuing problem. Schools are under resourced, teachers are underpaid, teachers are being harassed and nothing is being done in government to fix this.
I’m also concerned because I work with populations where an unexpected school closure, especially one that lasts a long time like suddenly having to start winter break early, is devastating. So many kids can’t do school remotely. So many kids don’t eat on days they don’t go to school. Kids aren’t safe in many schools but they’re also not safe in their homes or neighborhoods. Parents can’t afford to miss work but also can’t afford to pay for last minute childcare.
It’s a cluster and I’m disheartened by the situation and the ways it impacts families and children.
FWIW , I’m doing my part. I’m not a teacher but I work d@mn hard, often 50-60 hour weeks making 55k working in county government to ensure access to social services.
Anon
What would you have them do? They have no substitutes. Per a comment above, there are instances where 50% of the faculty are sick. They have no way to teach when that happens.
We’re living in a global pandemic – and yes, we still are, it is far from over and thinking and acting like it’s over has brought us to this point – things are going to be disrupted. It is what it is.
Anonymous
I dont think there’s anything the administrators can do. I guess I was just venting.
The issue is with school boards and politicians: could they offer higher pay for subs and teachers effective immediately to have more teachers? Could they reinstate mask or distancing requirements? Could they invest in air filters?
I use “post Covid” not to mean the pandemic is over but to mean the era post the outbreak. Obviously we’re still in a pandemic. This wouldn’t be an issue if we didn’t have Covid still raging.
anon
Slow claps. My youngest teacher is leaving the profession after 10 years because she’s fed up and has had enough. And she’s not an outlier. We’re heading toward a crisis of educators leaving the profession.
theguvnah
It’s also the end result of people voting republican for state level races.
You (the collective) can’t systematically make it harder for someone to make a living as a teacher and then be mad when schools are not doing great.
Anonymous
+100 I 100% co-sign this. I didn’t say it outright but I’ve made many comments about how hard it is to be a teacher so I very much understand why they’re leaving. I’m in a blue city but it’s a nationwide issue.
The cascading social impacts I deal with in my job are also a result of voting R and having social safety nets gutted.
Anon
I think there’s a difference between a short term solution where learning continues and the never ending pandemic closures.
Anon
One of my concerns is that we’re at the beginning of flu season and are anticipating another winter/holiday Covid spike, so I see a winter in which these rolling climates are not continuous but are frequent. I don’t think this will be a situation that happens once or twice.
What’s being done to address the root of the problem: teacher and staff shortages? If that’s not addressed, this will be a years long problem.
I responded to a comment above focusing on the social and equity impacts I’m concerned about too.
theguvnah
I would go even more upstream. The root cause isn’t just teacher/staff shortages. Why are there shortages? Because teaching pays poorly. Why? Because teaching is gendered and people don’t think “women’s jobs” deserve to make money. Why? Because people think women should stay at home while men work.
Who thinks this? Republicans have it deeply baked into their worldview.
Anonymous
Yup. I’m not officially a social worker but work in social work adjacent work and so I see this in my profession too. Ditto my nurse friends.
We’re all underpaid and working without enough resources in our pink collar jobs.
Anon
It’s not just about the pay for me. It’s also about societal respect, being able to use my expertise, off base scrutiny and hostility from communities, the teacher/student ratio, the difference between classroom management and teaching, and more.
Maybe more pay would come with respect and autonomy, but right now, you could not pay me enough; I would do something else that pays less first.
Anon
Yep. Absolutely.
There’s also still the idea that jobs like teaching are “caregiving” jobs and since women are “natural caregivers” they should be doing the job because they love the job and want to take care of people, and not “for money.” Even though Republicans in particular have engineered our society so that the only way any of us have a modicum of security and peace of mind is if we have a lot of money.
Anonymous
the learning loss during the pandemic would have happened anyway regardless of remote schooling — i’d be thankful if our district offered it as an option.
Anon
Our suburban Chicago district has plans in place for weather related cancellations – basically we don’t have to lose a day of learning due to snow/extreme cold, but can instead do some learning and some snow day playing. I’d rather have that option than extending the school year beyond the current first-week-of-June plan, and so far the “planning” I’ve been exposed to is each kid bringing home an envelope of “just in case” work. I suppose this could also be stealth covid planning, but definitely not presented as such.
While covid numbers are moving up a bit again, they’re nowhere close to where they were last year at this time in my area, and we haven’t felt it in school staffing yet. I think districts are going to do whatever they can to avoid closures at this point, and my district doesn’t seem to be strained at this point for staffing or subs.
Anonymous
Can you share the article? I don’t understand why schools don’t shift to take most of January off since it looks like we’ll be having COVID surges every holiday season – or at least not start Jan. 3.
Anonymous
Schools have to hit a minimum number of days. Teachers are contracted for a set of dates, radically changing that would not work mid contract. Teachers are paid so poorly that many have summer jobs – changing their schedule would impact that. Parents would riot if they found out now they’d have to ensure childcare coverage for much of January with only a few weeks notice. Winter camps aren’t as prevalent as summer camps.
Anon
It turns out “everyone being sick all the time” also contributes to learning loss.
Anon
+ a million.
anon
My sister just left teaching this year due to covid recovery challenges and the threat of a school sh00ting. She lives in a red state, and it just wasn’t worth it to her. My mom was a lifelong teacher with so many horror stories including being physically assaulted by both kids and parents. Our public educational system is hanging on by a thread.
Anon
Have an of you dealt with schools where the bus picks up kids from a central spot (like you bring your kid to their home school and a bus picks them up there to go to a magnet school)? Our school system is trying to move to this for magnets (not home schools). I guess this makes you have to drive and pick up your kid 2x/day (and we have two kids who are age-wise at two schools for a while, but one kid will still be picked up at home on a bus). I think that this will work well for a two-parent household until the first parental work trip (never mind single-parent multi-kid households and households where adults don’t drive or own a car). We are promised that the communal bus stop will only be 2-3 miles from our house (which means lot of walking in the dark, often alone, so likely needing a ride for all but the most robust older kids). Or does this really work IRL? Maybe some of you have lived with this as parents or as kids?
NYCer
The bus stop is 2-3 MILES from your home? Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of a bus? In my mind, the bus stop should be walking distance from home in order for it to be truly useful. How far is the actual school from your home?
Anon
It’s maybe 6 miles, but on the other side of the downtown core of the city, so not really feasible for the kid to bike. Plotting how soon it will be until legal driving happens, b/c that kid is getting a car as soon as it is legal for driving (our state seems weird, with graduated rules, so for now I just need to figure out solo driving vs driving with sibling or driving with other teens, all of which IIRC are regulated so you can’t have 18 kids in a jeep).
Anon
That’s not weird. I’m pretty sure every state has adopted those kinds of rules since many of us got our licenses.
Anon
I know it’s not weird. It’s more . . . it’s not binary the way it was when I got a license if you are 16 <= X <= 18.
Anon
Ahh okay, I understand.
NYCer
Obviously I don’t know your city and traffic patterns, your schedules, etc., but could you just drive your kid the 6 miles to school? Or try to figure out a carpool? Seems like not that much more of a hassle than taking the kid 3 miles to the bus stop.
I wouldn’t want to make my kid walk 3 miles to and from the bus stop every day.
anon
I had to do this as a kid. We all had to go to a designated parking lot and were picked up from there to the magnet school. This involved kids from several school districts so it was only a 5 minute drive for us but it was 15 for some others.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m all for autonomy in kids and walking to school, but three miles is a long walk. That could be 45 minutes+ one way, or 1.5 hours per day, which would be awful even with good weather! Not a good arrangement for working parents for sure, I wouldn’t do this unless I could get someone else to drive or this was a seriously amazing school choice.
Anon
With nothing to carry on a clear day, this is a nice walk (assuming sidewalks, especially for when it is dark out). But if you are lugging a backpack and chrome book and maybe a viola, then than is a LOT of stuff. If it is 3 miles to the bus stop but only 6 miles to school, I might just drive them to the school.
French horn
As someone who regularly walked home nearly 2 miles carrying a backpack full of books and a French horn, I endorse this response. Autonomy is good but that’s too far.
Anon
What do cello and tuba players do? Have one for home and one at school? For something your mouth touches, you can’t really share I’d think.
Cat
@Anon – the mouthpiece is removable :)
Trish
Cello and tuba players get to school early to practice.
anon
Our Maryland school district doesn’t have a centralized bus stop, but also doesn’t stop at individual houses, either. Since anyone who lives more than 1.5 miles (elem) or 2 miles (middle and high school) from their school gets assigned to a bus, the rule is also that your bus stop has to be within that distance. Lots of people do drive their kids to the bus stop, depending on how far away they are. We’ve always walked, but my elementary-age kids have always had a bus stop within a mile of our house.
IL
I had a bus route like this for high school. It was terribly inconvenient for both me and my parents. I was out the door at 6 am for the 8 minute bus ride to the local elementary school which was the nearest magnet bus stop location. The bus arrived between 6:15 – 6:20 and did not wait for stragglers. Drop-off at school was at 7:10 for a 7:25 am start. The same bus picked me up at 3 pm to drop me at the elementary school around 3:50 – 4 pm so that I was driven home by 4:10 pm. So all told, transportation took up 2 hours and 40 minutes and that was with a parent willing to drive me to and from the collection point. If I had the choice again, I would not do it.
Anan
I have a kid in a Montgomery County, MD magnet program and our bus stop is two miles from our house. Luckily I have a late morning so I drop my kid and the neighbor’s kid. I can see letting him ride his bike when he gets older, though. My Husband is finished work by 4pm so he does the pick up.
When my first kid was in a different magnet program, the bus was at a central location, but her school was farther so the bus picked up at 8:15a and I could be at my desk by 9am. For our magnet programs the pick up place is often our home school but I have also had luck calling the bus depot and adding a stop if enough families wanted a different location.
A lot of parents use before and aftercare if they can’t find a way to meet the bus.
Anonymous
We have this for magnet schools in Jax. Magnet schools start in the middle of 3 start times. Kids ride the high school bus to local high school, then bus from there to magnet school, for the most part. Afternoons have dedicated routes since local high school buses have already run. Many parents just drive their kids since it would be so long on the busses.
Alanna of Trebond
I did this. My dad (who worked) used to drop me off. It was not a big deal, although the local high school was only 1 mile (20 minute walk) away from my house. The drop off in the evening was at my house.
Anon
TW: weight loss; eating habits
My husband and I were talking at dinner last night and he mentioned that he was going to try to “turn over a new leaf” after the holidays and reset some of his eating habits, because he’d weighed himself at the gym that morning and he was up about 7 lbs from earlier this year. I am perimenopausal and starting to notice some of my clothes not fitting the way they used to, and so we started talking about what we both might be doing that’s causing weight gain. Our diet has not substantially changed recently, but we are now both working hybrid schedules, vs. full WFH. We both lost weight in 2020 – more time at home + no restaurants being open meant we cooked at home more, and also that we worked out more. I know my workout frequency has gone down; we are trying not to eat out as much because of cost. So I think this is about “unconscious micro habits” that may just be catching up with us as we get older.
Some of the things we talked about that we think maybe need to change:
– Putting too much milk and sugar in coffee in the morning (adds up across multiple cups when we WFH)
– Grabbing a snack between stretches of Zoom meetings vs. going outside for fresh air, or doing something besides eating to “reset”
– Grabbing coffee at Starbucks or Dutch Bros on the way to the office on our hybrid days
– Eating out with coworkers on our hybrid days, most of whom don’t want to eat at healthy places
– Going to meet our friends at a brewery/brewpub and having two beers (craft beers can be really caloric) plus unhealthy bar food – we do this at least every other week, if not once a week
– I know I’ve gotten bad at nibbling while I cook dinner – like, a few bites here and there as I’m cooking adds up over time
– Drinking a couple of beers or cocktails along with dinner on the weekends – whether we eat at home or out.
One thing that I know I am doing is “rewarding” myself with coffee or food on the days when I work in the office, because those tend to be very long, very busy days and I feel like I either need fuel to keep going, or I need a treat because I am so tired when I get home. It’s also hard for me to say “no” when coworkers want to go out to lunch or grab coffee – I don’t want to seem antisocial – and then once I’m out with them, there’s this tendency to say “well, I’m going to treat myself” or “I don’t want to be a wet blanket and talk about healthy eating when transparently these other folks don’t want to talk about it” and order something less-healthy than I should. The problem is, I’m working in the office 1-2 days a week – sometimes 3 – and that’s a lot of splurging/saying “f-it” that is not helping me.
Just wondering if anyone else has looked at their “micro-habits” regarding food/eating and if there was anything you’d recommend looking at, if someone is looking to eat healthier or lose weight?
Also just want to say: midlife is kind of the pits. I used to be able to go out drinking with friends, eat out with coworkers almost every day, cook indulgent meals at home, etc. and as long as I worked out enough it wouldn’t matter. It definitely seems to matter now.
theguvnah
I think sleep and general stress/increased cortisol are also huge factors in weight gain as we age. General inflammation too. That is where I’d look!
(antidotes include more meditation, yoga, maybe a turmeric supplement?)
anonshmanon
I can totally relate to using snacks as rewards too many times a day. Also the going out. For me, I hesitate to order the healthier option because I feel like I could make that at home. But I don’t do deep frying at home! I’m working on ordering healthier options, or splitting a giant entree with DH. It makes no sense for me to treat every time eating out to treat myself, since realistically I do it for a good fraction of my meals every week. I also started tracking alcohol and have cut back to 2-3 drinks per week. I was mostly concerned about calories and how easy they add up if you have a cold one after dinner a few times a week and then go out to a brewery once or twice a week. Of course there are other great side effects to drinking less, and I am happy to be the designated driver for outings.
Anne-on
I totally understand, I’ve got PCOS and in my early 40s so if I’m not super on top of things i can easily go up 1-2 sizes. The biggest impact choice is to simply drink a lot less alcohol and to add in more tea/seltzers instead. Many coworkers and friends are cutting out drinking/cutting down on it so it’s been pretty easy to order one drink and then swap to seltzer or a soda if I’m out. At home I keep a big stash of tea (and the tea advent calendars/sample packs this time of year are great options to try lots of flavors!). Having a warm fruit or peppermint tea at night with flavored honey or fake sugar satisfies my sweet tooth, feels indulgent, and fills that ‘I deserve a treat/something to relax’ need that would otherwise lead me to having a glass of wine. Look, sometimes I’ll still have the wine without beating myself up but I’m much more conscious of that being a choice/something to enjoy vs. a default ‘I always have a glass of wine after dinner’.
Anonymous
I’m in the struggle with you but down 9 pounds from September as of this morning. My approach has been to track my weight and identify which habits can stay and which need to go. I hit a little snag recently where the weight stopped dropping for a good four weeks so I finally had to cut back on wine. Start with the least painful cuts (maybe boredom snacks or the second indulgent lunch per week) and see if you’re making progress. If it stalls, try the second least painful cut and keep going. Good luck!
Anon
Yeah, the micro habits are the killers. That said, I permit myself to keep one bad thing. For me, it’s coffee creamer. For the other stuff, I do have rules for myself (only alcohol on weekends, no office snacks, when dining out for lunch there is a healthier option, get that or eat half, etc.)
Anonymous
Micro habits that helped me reset were switching to black coffee, making sure I drank a glass of water for every cup of coffee and being religious about getting enough sleep.
Anon
I’ve had several doctors advised me against snacking between meals. Apparently snacking is good for kids, but for adults, just going for stretches of time without eating is good for insulin sensitivity even if I eat the same amount of food. So that’s something I’ve been sticking to lately.
For me, better coffee needs less stuff in it. So maybe swapping out Starbucks for the local third wave place could be worth a try!
anon
– Switch to black coffee. I add cinnamon or nutmeg so it has some flavor. I remind myself that Starbucks pastries are usually disappointing anyway
– Make sure you’re drinking plenty of water throughout the day. It reduces that “I’m not hungry but feel like eating” urge
– If you’re meeting friends at a bar eat at home first so you don’t get the munchies and order greasy food
– Never let yourself get ravenous. That’s when the bad decisions happen. Have a piece of fruit or a few nuts to hold you over if you don’t have access to a healthy meal soon
– When I get random cravings I tell myself I need to drink a full cup of herbal tea before indulging. The combo of hydration and pausing for 20-ish minutes usually kills the urge
Aunt Jamesina
Intermittent fasting is the easiest way for me to curb all the little habits that get in the way of me eating better. I’m a big snacker and nibbler (especially at night), so having a defined window makes it easy to curb that. I don’t have to think about it at all compared to trying to only eat certain foods or avoiding restaurants, etc. I just only eat between around noon to eight pm.
Anon
I have recommended this before, but try a calorie counter like My Fitness pal. If you use it on your iPhone or with a heart rate monitor for exercise, you can also see how many estimated calories you’re burning (most of us WAY overestimate this.)
Even if you don’t see yourself counting calories forever, maybe do it for a week or two to see where your calories are coming from.
For me, it’s good to have an end point when I run out of calories for the day, because otherwise I’m a night snacker. It also keeps me from having some (not all) snacks and that second glass of wine because I don’t want to log it.
It has been extremely helpful for me as a tool.
Anan
I’ve started brushing my teeth when my kids do and it has pretty much eliminated late night snacking.
I know someone who got invisilign and he said that was hugely helpful for cutting down snacking
Anon
I am a broken record, but the (free!) No S Diet is designed to address micro-habits.
Anon
Help me be…more empathetic? Our firm holiday party is tonight, starting at 5. My boss and I have a client event in the office from 3-4 with a reception for the clients from 4-5. My assistant accidentally forwarded me an email chain where he (yep, male) was making arrangements for this client reception, but also included a line about how bummed he was that this client event would run into the office party. Several other support staff on the thread had replied things like, “Oh my gosh! You have a client reception the night of the office party?! How awful!! I’m so sorry!”
My boss and I will do everything we can to make sure the support staff get out at 5 to go to the office party; we’ll take care of closing the office up, etc. My question is… am I the grinch? I’m going to the firm holiday party because I have to, not because I want to. I talk to my colleagues all week long – even though they’re all nice, I don’t want relish spending extra time with them. Is it different for support staff? I swear we have a really good culture – support staff have a rotating WFH schedule, there’s always free catered food in the office (you never need to bring a lunch), everyone except That One Guy is super easy to get along with… I was just so surprised to see such uniform response from the support staff on this thread, that everyone would be depressed beyond belief to be a few minutes late for the company party. What am I missing? Am I just a natural grinch or am I horribly disconnected from our support staff’s lives and this party is really special for them? (I grew up with a single working mom and money was often tight, so I hate to think I’m now the rich lawyer who doesn’t get it!)
Cat
you’re getting a little out of touch – in my experience support staff finds the free fancy food & drinks actually fun as a night out with their friends, as opposed to ‘mandatory fun’ the way attorneys might.
Anne-on
Stuck in mod, but basically this.
I also find it endearing to talk to younger family members/new hires who are SO excited about their first business trips or big parties – it takes me back to when that was super fun/exciting for me vs. now where it’s just an expected part of work to stay at a 4 star hotel.
Anon
+ a million. No one is more enthusiastic about the holiday party than the support staff, in my experience. Just because you don’t look forward to it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. You would absolutely be a grinch if you made them miss even a second of it.
Anon
Yeah, you don’t get it. Supporting events like what you have planned for the client is actually a lot of exhausting work for your admin and having that piggyback a fun event does suck for him. Client events also don’t always end on the dot, so there’s a good chance he’ll miss the party. And those parties, while they may be draining for you, are a big deal for staff.
Anon
Right! Also think about all the fancy food and drinks things you do throughout the year where you’re getting paid to do them (or where it will lead to a payday down the line). Things like the reception for clients. Or happy hours at conferences, etc. Those are events where you can slightly let loose with colleagues. The firm holiday party is that type of opportunity for your assistant.
Anne-on
I get it, if you do client events/travel all the time to the point where it’s a chore then it’s hard to remember how fun/exciting it is for people who often don’t get to do the lunches/dinners/trips. I was SO thrilled to go on my first business trip at 24 and my very kindly boss (she of the generous home depot gift card) used her status to upgrade my room to what was, at the time, the very largest hotel room I’d ever stayed in at the very first 4 star hotel I’d ever visited. I have since stayed in plenty of fancy hotels for work travel and it’s just a room, not a treat, but for many many people this is a special situation that they may not get to take part in often (dressing up! fancy food/drinks! the opportunity to primp in the communal bathrooms with other people who are equally excited!). In short – try not to yuck their yum :)
Anon
You’ve inspired me to be that boss for my junior manager.
Anon
Different people can like different things from you. You don’t have to be richer than them for that to happen.
No Problem
Eh, I don’t think it makes you the grinch, but there are a lot of people who really enjoy office holiday parties. I used to, back when I had a fun cohort of coworker friends, but once that faded they became fun-ish and then just kinda required schmoozing time. Maybe the support staff consider each other their coworker friends and are looking forward to getting some time to hang together. It’s fine if you’ve had your fill after all these years.
Just tell your assistant that you’ve had your fill of office parties over the years and are happy to help with the cleanup to make sure he gets to go on time.
Aunt Jamesina
Everyone vents about their job and the decisions of their bosses and he forwarded it on accident, don’t think any more of it. No matter how good your office culture is, I find there’s always an inherent tension between admin and management. One group makes (often significantly) more money and has more job autonomy. As much as you think you know what it’s like to do their job, you really don’t. Once you’re the boss, people are going to complain about *something* you do, no matter how good you are at your job. Let it go!
Anon
No, the takeaway isn’t let it go! The takeaway is put in effort to get her staff to the party!
Anon
This.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, definitely! I just meant to let the venting comments go.
Anon
I also think the context is important. If my colleague sent me a message saying they were upset to be missing the office party because of work commitment, I’d also probably respond sympathetically even if it wouldn’t personally bother me massively. So it might be that many of the support staff are just making generally sympathetic noises to a peer rather than them all genuinely feeling that way.
My only other thought is whether you’ve made it clear to your assistant that they will only be a few minutes late and that you’ll pick up some of the slack to make sure they can head off quickly after 5? It might be that they are anticipating having to stay much later than they really will.
Anonymous
What is complicated? They don’t want to have to work for you when they should be at a party. No one even complained to you they’re just moaning to each other. Get over yourself.
startup lawyer
firm parties are fun for support staff who are not included in all the other major events that attorneys *have to* go to
anon
This isn’t a support staff/attorney divide. I’m an attorney and really enjoy spending time with my colleagues. If the holiday party is a long standing tradition, then yes I can see why your colleagues (not support staff – these people are your colleagues whatever their pay grade) want to attend the full event.
Anonymous
In the last Starbucks cute-meet post someone make a comment regarding how the need of human contact made her overlook red flags. I think I’m there right now.
I am one of the longtime singletons of the hive happy with her situation until the COVID and the dead of one my parentes this year. I was one that said this summer that maybe I was not that happy in my own right now.
The thing is I met a guy, IRL, and he invited me out and we started to date and for me everything was super quickly, I was super stress about to make him space/time in my life. Do I liked him? No sure, the dates were not great, what I felt was overwhelmed but yes, I liked the human contact and I think that is what I was craving for. I was scared that it was only about this then, I avoided gardening. He seeemed (and said) not to have a problem with that.
Until last week that we have a really bad date and he was saying that “I was expecting too much from him”. I was quite surprise as I was the one being on guard all the time. Not sure if it was love bombing or he was looking for a way out tired of my excuses. The next day I decided not to meet him again but I only said “not meeting today”.
The funny thing is that he dumped me the next day by text, what should have been a relive for me, and I said that I agree.
Then, why I am the whole f.. week thinking in him and missing I do not know exactly what?
Anon
The red flag here is you chose to keep walls up and not garden. Of course that wasn’t going to go anywhere romantically. Red flags are dealbreakers not the fact that someone breaks up with you.
Anon
I will push back the gardening issue. There is a wide spectrum of what people want and are willing to do. Many people do not garden for months, until engagement, or even until marriage. Problems arise when people do not use their words to express their expectations and timelines.
Anon
Right, but the majority of people expect gardening to be a component of a romantic relationship. So it’s to be expected if someone declines to keep hanging out indefinitely without it.
Monday
I’m not sure I understand all of this story, but it sounds like it just wasn’t going well. The dates weren’t good, and you didn’t want to move forward. You probably don’t actually miss him, you miss the possibility of a relationship. This is totally normal.
Anonymous
Thank you Monday, I think is exactly that. My admiration for all of you brave enough to put yourselves there in the dating pool. It has been my first try in years.
Anonymous
This is normal. Rejection in any form hurts. And you lost the interaction. Particularly here, the distraction will dissipate soon and likely disappear once you find someone else to pursue .
Anon
I took an eye-opening (for me) CPR/AED class recently and was blown away by how Grant Wahl was given CPR when he collapsed (and no mention of an AED at all, which is now totally shocking to me). It turns out that he had an aortic aneurysm, so it would have been hard to save him (but note that Emilia Clarke had something like this and lived). But I’m a bit shocked still — do non-US places tend not to have AEDs in places they’d commonly be in in the US? I have two of them on my floor at work for something like 50 people who work here.
Ribena
We have them increasingly often in the U.K. – and given recent cardiac events in European soccer I would assume that most stadiums here have AEDs everywhere. But it wouldn’t surprise me if there weren’t one in Qatar, at least accessible from the media gallery.
anon
It’s Qatar. Not surprising at all that an AED wouldn’t be readily available.
Anon
Not sure what this means, but noting on next trip to Qatar, bring AED (just $2K, much less than my useless NYU masters degree). What else should I pack — human rights lawyer? Kidding. Not kidding. Tell me more.
anon
Did you see that video of the Qatari official who brushed off a media question about migrant deaths question by saying “Death is a natural part of life”? It was mind blowing. I agree that you shouldn’t expect life saving equipment to be available if that is their attitude.
Anon
I was at a convention center for a conference last week (in the US) where we had a scare that ended up being not an emergency. Afterwards we looked around and realized there were no AEDs anywhere in sight.
Anon
Aortic aneurysms and brain aneurysms are different. Emilia Clarke had bulging blood vessels in her brain and Grant Wahl had a bulge (that ruptured) in his aorta. My grandfather had an aortic aneurysm that was diagnosed before it ruptured and they were able to surgically repair it, but they told him that if it had ruptured he would have had under 10 minutes to live. His was really large and they couldn’t have stopped him from bleeding out.
An AED would not have saved Grant’s life (nor would it have had any bearing on Emilia’s condition). Grant may not have been able to be saved had he collapsed standing in an ER, in front of a cardiologist – some of those aneurysms are just really big, and when they go, someone can bleed most of the blood in their body into their chest and abdominal cavity within minutes, and getting in to repair the rupture before the person dies isn’t feasible. AEDs are useful when people collapse with no pulse and the cause is cardiac arrest; even then saving people with an AED is not assured. Ironically, the last thing you want to do when someone is having an aortic aneurysm rupture (or a brain bleed) is forcefully pump blood through their body, as that just accelerates the bleed. But when someone is on the floor unconscious/unresponsive, better to start chest compressions than not because you don’t know what’s wrong.
My gym and my workplace have AEDs but how well they’re maintained is a question, as is whether or not anyone would be around who was trained to use it. They’re not a panacea to all possible scenarios when someone collapses and could be dying.
Anon
+1
Aortic aneurysm rupturing is one of the most deadly things that can happen to you – worse than a brain aneurysm in terms of fatality. So that comparison you try to draw is not appropriate.
Think about it – the aorta is the biggest blood vessel in your body. A huge tube, full of blood, shooting blood out of your heart with each muscular contraction of the heart. If it tears/ruptures – which is what happens when an aneurysm of that vessel finally breaks (it is a weak spot) – your blood loss is HUGE, dramatic and usually life ending. If they had used an AED on him, they would have likely killed him faster.
Anonymous
Emilia Clarke had brain aneurysms, not aortic aneurysms. Both are super dangerous if they rupture, but I think aortic is worse.
Anon
I was confused about this. Do they think he collapsed because of an aortic aneurysm rupture or that the rupture was a complication of the CPR? Or do we know why he collapsed?
In general, it is sobering how much local medical resources can matter. My household just experienced a close call where if we had made one different decision and stayed overnight somewhere on the way back from a trip, we would have been hours away from a hospital during a medical emergency. Instead we drove all the way home and were only a five minute ambulance ride away from the hospital as things actually went down.
It depends
Overseas: it depends and varies wildly. AEDs cost around $1300-2000 in the United States, and have to be maintained regularly. Most countries in the world do not have building or occupancy codes that require them, although the more developed the country, the more likely it is that one is available. You also need the public to 1) know to look for one, 2) feel comfortable using one, and 3) have one relatively nearby. Local laws and rules also apply. Japan is now the second-largest market for AEDs after the United States, but until the early 2000s, only doctors were allowed to use them – even paramedics were not permitted to use them on a patient. Google tells me that in Spain the rules vary by location, and in some cities members of the public are only allowed to use them if they have a current training certificate. Not all countries have Good Samaritan laws that protect a bystander trying to assist. You also need AEDs that speak the local language, which is a challenge for some importers.
Thanks to this post though, I’m about to take a walk around my floor to see where ours are located.
Anonymous
Is there another neighborhood kid with whom you can set up a carpool? That is what we did for the two years I was in a magnet rather than my home school. Really I could have walked but my friend’s parents did not want us to walk by the housing projects occupied mostly by black residents and my mother acquiesced even though she had a job.
Diana
I’m on wellbutrin but I find it works best when I get enough sleep – and that a small dose of melatonin (1-2 g) is very effective at helping me fall asleep quickly and deeply. This is such an improvement I’m thinking of taking a melatonin every night, or at least regularly – is that a good / bad idea?
Anon
I take it nightly and have for years. I’ve heard it can lose effectiveness over time, but that hasn’t happened for me.
Anon
I take a very small dose when it is late at night and I am not tired. The value is keeping me on a normal-ish sleep schedule, which lessens the need for it in subsequent nights.
Anon
I take it pretty regularly. Not every night but most nights. My endocrinologist feels strongly that it’s the safest sleep aid and that good sleep is important. Sure, if you can sleep well without any sleep aid that’s the “best” option but that’s not possible for everyone and low dose melatonin is the next best option.
Anon
Always talk to your dr about adding something new to your medical routine. I don’t think there are any concerns with using both but you should make sure.
Anon
Just fine.
Many people take it for life.
My Dad had a sleep phase shift disorder…. his natural preferred sleep schedule was going to bed at like 4 am and sleep until 1pm. Since that isn’t compatible with having most jobs, having a family, and living in our society, it caused devastating effects on his health and on his family dynamics. When he was seen in a sleep clinic, he was “shifted” in no time. A tiny 1mg dose of melatonin after dinner, a happy light next to him while having his morning coffee to help him wake up, and he did great. It improved his blood pressure, his daytime fatigue, his difficulty with attention/concentrating and… his relationship with his family!
My doctor just recommended trying it for my hot flashes that are waking me up at night. I don’t think there is a lot of evidence showing it helps that, unfortunately.
anon
This can be much easier than your ILs are making it. I’m the oldest of 4 kids. My parents have set it up so 2 of us are responsible for financial decisions, and 2 are responsible for healthcare decisions. All according to our particular skills and talents. Luckily we have good relationships and are reasonable human beings, and are not going to make any major decisions without looping the other siblings in. But for delegation purposes, SOMEBODY has to be the decider. And, sadly, it’s always possible that a situation arises in which there is not time to get a consensus.
Senior Attorney
Amen to the last sentence. When I finally had to find assisted living for my parents, it was because there was a crisis and I had to find it fast. I found out that many, if not most, people who end up in assisted living do so as a result of a crisis rather than because they were executing a plan.