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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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An option in straight sizes is from Boden — in the “tropical retreat” print. It's currently $42.50, marked down from $85.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Apple Watch
Those of you who wear Apple Watches: what is your daily move goal?
Anonymous
I ignore the goals. The only one you can customize is the Move goal (calories burned). My workout program has different time and effort goals depending on the day. The 30-minute exercise goal is arbitrary and meaningless when I am working out 90 minutes some days and resting on others, and so is the calorie goal. The only goal that makes any sense is the goal of standing every hour, but I don’t wear the watch for 12 hours a day so I can never close the ring.
Aquae Sulis
In the UK, the NHS recommends 30 minutes of exercise a day, so I’ve always thought the Exercise goal was nicely aligned.
Anonymous
That’s fine as a default for people who don’t work out and just want to be sure they are moving around enough, but it’s not helpful for people who work out and it doesn’t square with the default Move goal which is like 470 calories. It should be editable.
Ellen
I have a FITBIT Versa II, and I love it. I use it for sleep tracking and walking, and Dad insists on 10,000 steps a day, unless it is raining or snowing. I do enough so that if I miss a day, my average per week does not go under 10,000/day. In LI, it is very easy to do this, b/c there are very few cars in the street. In NYC, it is more of a challenge, tho I have not been there for weeks.
anon
I am a fitness focused gal, and I have a different experience. I like the rings. On my workout days, I blow way past them; on my rest days, it is a good reminder to take care of my body in different ways, like stretching, yoga, or even going for a walk with my kids. It helps me be mindful of all of this. I esp like the challenges- i don’t like to let my team down, so i am encouraged to move! (Plus, i met some great ladies on the challenge!). So, while I respect your viewpoint, mine is different, and that is worth noting since we seem to both be very active/athletic. Mileage does vary!
anon
Mine is 450 calories. I blow past that without any trouble on days when I exercise for an hour but it’s definitely a challenge on rest/easy days.
Anon
680. I close it most days. I walk 1-1.5 miles every morning first thing, and stand up frequently throughout the day.
Kk
1000. I hit it easily on days I exercise, and on rest days, I will hit it only if I’ve been relatively active all day (multiple dog walks, up and down the stairs in our 3 story house, a walk over to get coffee around the corner, etc). I worked up to 1000 from 600, increasing by 100 or so, every time I felt like I was consistently blowing past the goal for several weeks.
anon
Holy moly, I’ve never hit 1000 calories and the thought of accomplishing that on a rest day is insane. I went for an 8-mile hike last weekend and got 700. What am I doing wrong?
Anonymous
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong–you would have to be quite large to burn more than 700 calories on an 8-mile hike. I am on the small end of average and would have to be in constant motion all day to burn 1000 calories from activity.
Kk
No need to call anyone “quite large” – I’m well within normal BMI range for my height, which is slightly above average. I’m very routinely active during my normal day, which it sounds like you’re not- that’s not a value judgement either way.
Anonymous
You are doing way more than an 8-mile hike to hit your 1000 calories–you say you walk 9 miles a day and work out for more than an hour.
Anon
She’s not calling you fat, she’s stating facts.
Anonymous
Mine is 800. I hit it every day.
givemyregards
340 – I guess I should increase it, but it usually corresponds with the 30 minutes of exercise goal and I like having them both get completed around the same time. I also like having it low since I usually get it closed even if I’m just doing a leisurely walk on a rest day. I use it more for “I have gotten off my rear end at least one today,” though, not “I have completed a strenuous exercise today.” For that I tend to look more at the total calories burned or the list of workouts in the actual app on my phone.
Aquae Sulis
Mine’s 440 at the moment, but I haven’t worn my watch much over lockdown.
Patricia Gardiner
Wow – looking at these numbers I realize I need to challenge myself more! It was 450 before covid, which I would hit just from my commuting walk, but now I’m lucky to hit 350 (on days when I’m not working out) just from being in the house (even though I think I get up plenty and have lots of stairs).
Anon
I just started using My Fitness Pal yesterday and I have a Fitbit arriving tomorrow. It is using my iphone data to track steps right now but like you, many of my steps are going up and down the stairs of my house. I’ve done it 10 times already today. Is there a way to get MFP to recognize the flights of stairs burn more calories than regular steps?
It might sync better when I have the Fitbit.
Anonymous
Currently 660. I hit it most days with long walks pushing a double stroller.
Don’t forget to factor in your weight– if you weigh less, you’ll burn fewer calories per mile for walks/runs, etc.
Anonymous
OMG, a double stroller like triples the calorie burn from walking.
The Only GenXer in the Office
Mine started at 880 when I got my Apple Watch in January and is now at 1490. I am able to hit it except for rest days, when I manually change it to 250-400, depending on how ambitious I feel (yoga vs. a walk). I do not think I will let it increase it any more, because this is about as much activity as I can reasonably do without burning myself out.
I do not pay attention to the exercise goal, because I usually hit it in my warmup!
Anon
Out of curiosity, what is your workout routine?
Anonymous
I don’t get it. Mine is 480, and the only way I can hit it is to do an HIIT workout, walk the dog 3 miles at a very brisk pace, AND do a lot of housework.
anon
Same. I’m stunned by some of these numbers that y’all are apparently hitting with ease! My watch would burst open with actual balloons and confetti if I ever hit 1490.
rices
Super interesting because it shows how much the input data must effect the output data. Things like height, weight, heartrate etc. The only day I have ever gone past 1200 calories (which was 2x my move goal at the time) was the day I ran a half marathon. I cannot fathom hitting over 1000 regularly. But we are all different, and that is cool!
Ellen
This is why my ex always made me wear my Fitbit when we had s-x. He was able to show that I burned so many more calories during s-x (including his “warmup”) that I could get full credit w/o doing the steps that day. I did not go along with his theory (partially b/c the s-x was terrible) and it was a good thing b/c Dad was monitoring my steps and not calories. If Dad knew all of the s-x that I had to do for my ex, he would have hit the ceeling. I do not have a boyfreind now, and would not mind a little warming up with the right guy.
Elderlyunicorn
Holy moly! Mine is 520 and I’ve had a “perfect” month so far, closing all three rings every day! I think the numbers are pretty meaningless themselves … I don’t think the calorie burn is accurate. I just like the carrot, so to speak. With that said, I’ve been exercising every day and rarely go much over the 500. 1.5 mile run, an hour swimming, a 45 min at home cardio bootcamp + 30 min yoga, 45 min strength class + 1 mile walk + 30 min yoga, 5 mile hike with a steep incline … examples of what I might do in a day. My heart rate definitely gets elevated and stays there, but I’m not necessarily pushing myself the same way I did when I went to OTF.
How are you ladies burning 800/1000 calories?
Kk
I’m hitting 1000 with a 45-60-90 minute peloton power zone ride most days plus a 10 or 20 minute peloton full body strength cass, a 1 year old labrador who needs 2-3 miles, 3+ times per day, walking 9 or 18 holes of golf a couple times most weekends in summer or cross country skiing in winter, and living in a really pedestrian neighborhood- I walk or ride my bike to do almost all of my errands.
anon
Just out of curiosity do you work full time? My desk job makes it hard to fit in that much activity on weekdays and I’m envious of your ability to fit in 3ish hours of exercise on a daily basis.
Kk
Yep! 50ish hours per week, frequent work travel pre-covid. But I dont have kids, dont watch tv, and almost never sit on the couch- I get my news from a variety of audio options, and listen to audiobooks while I walk the dog.
Anonymous
Holy cow, a dog that needs to be walked 9 miles a day? That is almost 3 hours of dog-walking! Plus over an hour of working out. Even WFH with no commute, I don’t have 4 hours a day to work out.
anon
Seriously Power Zone training changed my workout life. Do you do the challenges? I am religious about it when I do the challenges… Power Zone plus Quarantine plus 3x strength workouts per week have changed my body for the better!!
Elderlyunicorn
I feel like such a slacker now, lol! Also, it sounds like your dog has the right owner :). (I love labs, but have only fostered/adopted very elderly ones who are satisfied with just one of those 3 mile walks.) Inspired to step things up a bit now!
Anonymous
Yeah, mine is 240 (which was the default), and sometimes I don’t hit it…
anon
Lol this thread has inspired me to take a nap.
Anon
Those who are online dating: how do you deal with not getting discouraged? I am seeing a lot of profiles that look intriguing on Hinge, which is great! So I send out my daily 10 likes, but about two weeks in, I’m not getting any engagement or matches out of those. Is this normal? Does it take some time? It’s messing with my head. I like the interface of Hinge much more than Bumble, but if it doesn’t lead to anything maybe it’s not worth it?! I really don’t think I’m aiming way out of my league. I’m sending a wide range of likes to all different kinds of men.
Anon
Same thing happens to me. I think I read somewhere that a little more than half of the profiles we see on Hinge and Bumble are of men who are no longer active users but who forgot to delete their account. They also show the most attractive profiles first, and the attractive profiles tend to be the no longer active ones since they get snatched up quickly. At this point, I am feeling so desperate I will match with anyone who likes me.
Anon
I have the same experience with Hinge and all of the other apps too. As the poster above noted, I assume it’s because a lot of people aren’t actually active on the apps but didn’t take down their profile. The whole process is really wearing me down – seeing so many people who are clearly not what I’m looking for then not getting responses from people who might be what I’m looking for. I’m feeling very over it, but I don’t know any other way to meet people right now. Ugh.
Anon
Ugh is right. Well, I feel a little better knowing I’m not alone, but also… how am I ever going to meet someone? Like dating wasn’t hard enough before COVID!?
:(
Ellen
Me too. I want to meet a guy, but how can I have a relationship from 6 feet away. Some guy in Whole Foods told me we could get physical and have s-x as long as we do not kiss and the s-x is NOT face to face. That would not work for me. If I am to have s-x with a man, there is no way I would do it with him unless he first kissed me on the lips.
Anonymous
I wonder if the advice to join hobby groups, etc, to meet people would hold true online too? These dating apps are truly designed to keep you playing the game and using their app vs meeting someone & deleting your profile (which also may be why there’s so many inactive profiles — they make it hard to delete). If you join an online fan group or something, at least you can see who is actually active & talk to them.
Anon
Recently was broken up with and got on Bumble and it was emotionally draining. There was such a lack of conversation and I wasn’t getting good matches. And then it kind of makes you wonder what you’re even swiping for. I personally have never liked Hinge, not a good pool to pick from and two Hinge dates I went on were…unhinged. I honestly think I might go back to Tinder. On all the apps, all people are using them for whatever they want to use them for. I’m really looking to put myself back out there from a healthy place (I want a that level of companionship). But when there’s no excitement or intrigue behind it, you kind of start to fall into a sad mental space. Especially post break up when you feel like you really do want to try! All this to say, I feel you, girl. What city/geographic area are you in, if you don’t mind me asking?
Anon
I’m late 30s in Chicago. I’ve tried lots of apps over the years and I’ll go through phases where it feels excited and like there’s real possibility… and times like now where it truly feels hopeless. I have mostly accepted that it may never happen and I have a full life even without a partner, blah blah blah, but I refuse to completely give up. But when trying is so fruitless and demoralizing, I wonder why I bother!
Monday
No doubt you know this, but: taking a break from online dating when you feel like this is a good option. For me, it restored a sense of control and perspective. You’re not “losing time” from dating if you’re not actually meeting anyone worthwhile.
Anon
Hinge was just a total bust for me in Atlanta. I’m late 30s, cusp size, divorced. Bumble, Tinder, and Coffee meets Bagel were a lot better for me. After about three months on the app, I re-did my profile to make it a little bit wittier/funnier and included several good full-body photos. After doing so, I got a lot more interest.
Is it Friday yet?
No real advice, just commiseration. I get likes on Hinge, but they tend not to be appropriate dudes. I match with people on Bumble and then don’t get responses to messages. IDK, it’s all very frustrating.
Anon
Commiseration. This is normal. This is dating in 2020. It’s hell.
BensonRabble
I feel all if this. What is especially annoying is guys that never ask for a zoom date after a week of messages. Like why are you here then? In the past, I would make the first move if I liked the guy but then I ended up with guys that weren’t that invested and just floating along in a relationship. I thought waiting for them to take the initiative would weed that type out but I’m waiting forever.
Also deciding how many guys to march and talk to a once is hard. More matches gives you a greater chance of finding someone but it is emotionally draining to try to focus on 5 conversations/initial zooms at once.
Anon
Can I vent about feeling judged for not having kids? I’m mid 30s, divorced, no kids but open to them. An inordinate number of men on the apps have asked me why I don’t have kids or why I didn’t have kids with my ex-husband, like there’s something wrong with me. When did being child free become a bad thing? Also, why am I being asked this question so early on? It’s bizarre.
Anonymous
I think it’s relevant because by mid 30s, you’re in now-or-never territory on having kids and if you have a strong position on that, you’re future partner needs to agree. There’s plenty of women of that age here dating and hoping to have children, so it’s kind of a good thing if a man wants to know that before embarking on a date (so they can opt-in or out appropriately).
Also, I hate this, but in my experience that’s the age when people stopped accepting “no kids but open to them” or “undecided” as an answer. The attitude is that the clock is ticking and you’re dumb if you haven’t decided by now. As far as an undecided is not an enthusiastic “yes,” you might have better luck if you go ahead and say you don’t want kids if that feels truthful. I was open to it, but I was also saying “IDK” as a way to avoid criticism of my choice of probably not — but at mid-30s up, it stops shutting down the conversation and opens up a whole other basket of criticism.
Pink
Oh I’ll vent right along with you – what the serious eff men that throw shade at you for this. I guess count this as a blessing that they’re showing their red flags right out of the gate. My SIL (38) started dating a guy who had been married for 20 years but never had kids. She’s kid free by choice (loves my kid to death though) and him having kids from a previous relationship would have been a deal breaker for her. To me that seemed normal? Maybe I’m out of touch.
Anon
How far do you take economic boycotts over social issues?
We live in a rural area, and the current zeitgeist has brought out the absolute worst in (uneducated, White) people here. To wit, a young Black woman has petitioned the school board to change the name of the local elementary school away from, yes, a Confederate general. (She doesn’t care what, just, ya know, not a poster child for the Confederacy.) Naturally, ignorant ____ are losing their ish.
Notably, the local hardware store/lumber yard is passing out petitions AGAINST the name change. As in, in support of keeping the Confederate name. I’ve emailed the owner (yep, not a chain, just a local gentleman) to learn whether this is just an employee gone rogue or if he, the owner, supports the Confederate name.
This matters because we’re about to undertake a construction project worth nearly $1M. I had wanted to use the local lumberyard, local contractors, etc. I’m torn between, “Screw you, ignorant ____, I’ll give my money to businesses from the (blue) small city an hour away to punish you” and the reality that tax dollars and a major cash infusion into the local economy improve education and poverty and all the things that lead to rednecks without teeth screaming about their ancestors.
Relatedly, what about contractors? I don’t want racist ___ working on my project. But I can’t screen all the subcontractors. It’s the same economic argument for me – do I enrich them short-term and hope the long-term gain improves the populace?
Anonymous
You can’t know all the information or make perfect choices. And your construction project isn’t going to make a meaningful tax impact. You know your local store has embraced Loudly Supporting Racism as a business strategy, and you know you disagree. So I would try to avoid that store because it is the right thing to do. I would not interrogate everyone working on the project about their views.
Anon
Yeah, this. You can’t research everything and everyone to death, but if someone is being so vocal about it, I would not support them.
anon
If the hardware store owner is pro-Confederacy, I would boycott his business for sure. Or offer to pay him in Confederate money :)
Anon
I agree. You can’t research every last supplier, but certainly you can avoid giving tons of money to a local hardware store whose owner is openly racist.
Anon
Businesses in the “blue small city” might be individually owned by racists or Trump supporters. I live in a liberal blue state and there are plenty of those too. Are you going to interview every merchant or service provider? I am quite liberal but I patronize some providers who I know are Trump supporters (from their facebook).
Aunt Jamesina
While I agree you can’t interview every single service provider, I would absolutely avoid a business that is actively and publicly campaigning for a racist cause.
Texan In Exile
We are looking for a new dentist. We learned that our dentist is a Trump supporter, which is bad enough, but also that he is not taking covid precautions seriously. He thinks covid is a hoax. I would look for a new dentist just because of the Trump issue, but the covid part makes it essential.
Kate
My husband went to a new dentist today who took off his mask at one point, talked about coronavirus in a flippant way, and also said he didn’t believe in the flu vaccine. He said, “I never get the flu, but the one time I got a vaccine, I got the flu.”
Anon
My favorite small business is owned by a woman who has some very problematic (far left) views, I still patron her business because she makes and sells specialty products that are otherwise impossible to find. I would only boycott her if there was a viable alterative. I’m not sure what the answer is in a situation like this, it’s easy to boycott Walmart or Amazon because there are literally hundreds of other options, but specialty stores not so much.
cbackson
I don’t know that I’d boycott all small businesses in your town over this, but to me, skipping the actively racist lumberyard (and any other business/service provider that’s behaving the same way) is an easy call. And I’d tell the owner why.
That said, drop the “rednecks without teeth” rhetoric. It’s dehumanizing – and you’re applying it to people that you acknowledge are poor and lack education, which makes this a particularly bad look.
anonshmanon
+1.
Go for it
+2
emeralds
+2
Anon
+1 to all of this. My standard is that when something obviously, overtly racist falls into your lap, it’s just taken away the decision fatigue for you. Go ahead and boycott as long as you can confirm it’s not just some vicious rumor or social media pile-on. Otherwise, drop the rhetoric and “go high.”
Vicky Austin
+1
Anonymous
The goal isn’t perfection – could you end up with a racist subcontractor at some point? Maybe. But just start by avoiding giving financial support to publicly racist hardware store owner.
Your project isn’t going to improve schools via buying stuff at the hardware store. If you want to improve education, donate books by black authors to your local elementary school library.
Anon
“We live in a rural area, and the current zeitgeist has brought out the absolute worst in (uneducated, White) people here. To wit, a young Black woman has petitioned the school board to change the name of the local elementary school away from, yes, a Confederate general. (She doesn’t care what, just, ya know, not a poster child for the Confederacy.) Naturally, ignorant ____ are losing their ish.”
If you are looking down on “uneducated” and “ignorant _____” people, do not expect them to care about earning your respect.
Petitioning for a name change without a list of suggested names is a terrible idea. If people support the name because they are proud of their military tradition, then find a prominent WWI or WWII military commander from that region. If the school is in Texas and the military general in question was also in the Mexican-American War, pick a name of someone who died fighting in that war. (Many of the prominent Confederate officers fought in the Mexican-American war; however, a casualty of that war would obviously not have fought in the Civil War.)
This is the problem in not understanding where people are coming from. A lot of people look down upon the South, ALL of its history (while ignoring the slavery, segregation, and race riots in the North), its traditions, and its people. These “uneducated Whites” aren’t stupid: they know you don’t respect them, their ancestors, or anything about them. They know that you all want the new name to be of someone who doesn’t respect them, either.
When someone suggests replacing the statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest with that of Dolly Parton, that gets a lot of support: Parton is from Tennessee, loves Tennessee, will never look down on Tennessee, and has been an amazing force of good for Tennessee. Just… consider that.
Monday
I agree that derogatory comments and labels are never fair. However, a few thoughts:
–White people agitating about losing a Confederate namesake are turning the demand for “respect” into a demand for unquestioning deference–which white people have had since the inception of this nation. This is not owed to them (us). The adjustment from all-encompassing privilege to equality as citizens involves many white people feeling affronted, as we’ve been seeing for years now. The fact that these people are poor or lack education is not irrelevant, but it doesn’t negate their white privilege either.
–The petitioner probably avoided proposing a different namesake because she wanted to leave it open to the larger community. I think this is a stance of humility and receptiveness.
–The Mexican-American war was about the US taking control of land that belonged to Mexicans. (Who are now “illegal” for coming onto the same lands without approval.) This is also pretty problematic as a legacy.
–Dolly Parton is an easily acceptable as an alternative because she’s a white cultural icon. How about a local black civil rights organizer instead? Talk about people who loved and served their native SEUS! Seems like every southern city has a Martin Luther King Ave., and rightly so.
Anon
Dolly Parton is much more than a white cultural icon. She is very much more than a country singer with big hair and big boobs. Her Imagination Library sends high quality books to children in several countries from birth to age 5, at a rate of one book per month, just for the asking. To date over 140 million books have been donated. She gave one million dollars to a children’s hospital. She recently donated one million dollars to research on coronavirus. She gave five hundred thousand for a medical center for women’s services. When a wildfire devastated the area around Gatlinburg, Tennessee, she spearheaded an effort that raised thirteen million dollars for relief. Her foundation, the My People Fund, provided one thousand dollars per month for six months to those who lost their homes or whose homes were made uninhabitable as a result of the wildfire. As the program ended, participants received an additional check for five thousand dollars. Unlike many celebrities that make big promises and fail to follow through, this woman puts her money where her mouth is. At a time when her home county had a high school dropout rate exceeding 30%, she initiated and funded a program that reduced the dropout rate to 6%. Her foundation supports myriad other charitable organizations with money. Dolly Parton is a woman who genuinely tries to make the world a better place. She focuses on education, health, and poverty. Dismissing her as merely “a white cultural icon” isn’t a very good assessment of her. I hate country music. Cannot abide it. I think Dolly Parton is a saint who walks amongst us.
Anonymous
+1 to this — I started really liking her maybe 10 years ago after seeing her on TV as a kid and I was really impressed. She’s just not there for the headlines. And she has been helping in the background . . . forever.
Another Anon
+1 Seriously, not a fan of country or Dolly’s music but she is an amazing human being and dismissing her so flippantly is not a good look.
anon
I had no idea about any of this. She looks like a bimbo and I haaaaaate country music so I’ve always ignored her. Good for her!
Monday
I actually *did* know these things. I didn’t say anything negative about Parton, and I do not diminish her contributions. I stand by my suggestion that proposing her as a namesake may just be sidestepping the real objection here, which is about white supremacy.
Nope
Monday, your literal words were “talk about people who loved and served their native SEUS!” in reference to not-Dolly-Parton, so yes, you did diminish her contributions, substantially.
Anon
Monday, dismissing her as still about “white supremacy” is making my point for me: you’re never going to respect people of a certain race who live in a certain area, and it’s in their best interests to ignore you.
Monday
Yikes! I was praising civil rights activists. That does not mean we can’t also praise Dolly Parton! I was just saying that they, too, fit the description that makes Parton eligible.
I was attributing white supremacy to the people who want to keep the school named after Confederate figures, not to the commenters on this board. The Confederacy was indeed a white supremacist cause. That does not mean I disrespect the south or southerners.
I absolutely agree that Dolly Parton is worthy of a school being named after her! I am suggesting that if this community wants a decisive new message in renaming this school, it’s appropriate to consider a person of color.
I don’t know why nobody has responded to any other point in my post.
anonshmanon
I can’t believe than nobody here has mentioned the podcast ‘Dolly Parton’s America’. Whether you care for country music or not, such a riveting look into the extremely long career of Dolly Parton, and thoughtful consideration why she has such a diverse fanbase (and worldwide, which I wasn’t aware of at all). Produced by Radiolab, so you know it’s good stuff.
LaurenB
“This is the problem in not understanding where people are coming from. A lot of people look down upon the South, ALL of its history (while ignoring the slavery, segregation, and race riots in the North), its traditions, and its people. These “uneducated Whites” aren’t stupid: they know you don’t respect them, their ancestors, or anything about them.”
Why do Southerners “need their ancestors respected”? It’s so very odd, and they don’t even realize how odd it is. Great that your great-great-great grandfather fought in the Civil War for the South in the 1860s. My great-great-great grandfather fought in the Bavarian forces in the Franco-Prussian war around the same time, but I don’t feel the need to say “ha, ha, beat you guys” every time I come across a person of French descent.
Former Southerner
And if anyone wonders why white Southerners vote for Trump – this thread right here is one of the major reasons. Those “ignorant” and “uneducated” white people know perfectly well what “liberal” people outside the South think of them. They know perfectly well what a lot of politicians think of them. And they would rather not vote for someone whose supporters openly reduce them to a stereotype of toothless rednecks with no education and who refuse to look at their history beyond slavery, while completely ignoring the long history of slavery and racism outside the South. (And let’s not even get started with the attitude toward their religion.)
Google where hate crimes based on race occur and then maybe go look at fixing problems in your own backyards.
anon
I am a white southerner, born and raised. To imply that the only thing we care about is stickin’ it to those doggone yankees is actually more offensive than calling us names. Please don’t defend us if this what you think about us and what informs our political views.
Anon
Has anyone been able to start a serious romantic relationship with someone new during covid? I have had zero luck so far and mindlessly pass my free time with chick lit movies now. This makes me so sad. 35. I imagine the rest of my fertile egged are shriveling up in the mean time…
Anonymous
I imagine I am one of the few that have started a relationship during COVID! We watched on Hinge in April while I was home with my parents few states away. We immediately clicked and would text constantly. We eventually moved to video calls and would talk for hours. Finally I went back to home state and we met up for a walk! It just all fell into place .He doesnt have roommates so we moved to hanging at his house and spending all our time together. We’ve been official since May. It can happen!
Anon
@Anon at 10:01 AM, give us all some of your vibes! Good for you, sister. Posted above about the app question, and I was really excited for this stage in my life pre Covid (healthy mindset, working hard on myself, want lasting companionship). You give me hope!
Anonymous
I’m Anon at 10:01! We are both 26, he turns 27 next week. I couldn’t believe it because I have gone on DOZENS of online dates with no luck. I had also been in therapy for 1.5 years to work on self esteem and loving myself, which I think was crucial. I went into talking to C not really caring if it went anywhere because of Quarantine. And I think that attitude helped a lot! Don’t give up. I know i’m only in my 20s but I really thought I would never find a serious relationship.
Anon
You give me hope! May I ask how old you guys are? Sounds like you both are in your 20s?
Anon
I totally feel your pain. I’m 39. What remaining eggs I have are probably useless at this point. What has helped me is accepting that there is a lot I can’t control, even though I am doing everything within my power to make things happen.
Amber
Don’t give up! I met my husband when I was 37, got married a year later and now have 2 kids. It can happen and there are things that a fertility doctor can do to facilitate things. I was single for so long and just had to keep pushing myself to put myself out there and not fall into a rut of just focusing on work.
anon
+1, I met my husband at 38, and I am now pregnant with #2 at 42 (using eggs I froze in my mid-30s). I highly recommend seeing an RE now if having bio kids is very important to you. The cost of egg freezing is much lower than when I did it, and the technology is much better as well. Don’t give up hope!
Anon
Also some states such as NY now have laws that IVF/egg freezing have to be covered by insurance if you are at a certain size company – so check into that!
Ellen
This is why my ex always made me wear my Fitbit when we had s-x. He was able to show that I burned so many more calories during s-x (including his “warmup”) that I could get full credit w/o doing the steps that day. I did not go along with his theory (partially b/c the s-x was terrible) and it was a good thing b/c Dad was monitoring my steps and not calories. If Dad knew all of the s-x that I had to do for my ex, he would have hit the ceeling. I do not have a boyfreind now, and would not mind a little warming up with the right guy.
Anon
Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. If you are so focused on a relationship for procreation purposes, that puts a lot of undue pressure on a nascent relationship and pretty much sets you up to fail. If kids are the goal, might i suggest adoption?
Anon
This comment is missing the point. She doesn’t say she only wants a relationship for kids, telling her to adopt is supremely unhelpful.
E
Why does she mention her eggs shriveling then? Sure seems like kids are at least part of the equation.
anon
Yeah, part of the equation doesn’t mean the entire equation. It doesn’t mean that she’s going to be “so focused on a relationship for procreation purposes” that she will put undue pressure on it. Not only is that a pretty extreme logical leap, it is pretty dang condescending. Some how Anon at 10:27 took a statement indicating that the poster wants a family with her partner and is concerned about that clock running out and implied that she’d go about a relationship in an unhealthy manner, ultimately destroying it, and then graced her with the revolutionary idea to just adopt.
Women who are single and want to find partners don’t benefit from being told that they will destroy young relationships because they want to be in them.
anonymous
God, stop. You really think that someone who wants a family but is afraid she’ll never meet a partner hasn’t thought of adoption? Just stop. I hope you never ever ever tell your single friends anything like this.
Anon
I can’t stand “just adopt” replies, as if it’s so easy to adopt.
Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting to carry your own biological child.
Pink
+1. There’s always someone on here who’s never adopted who thinks adoption is the easiest path to parenthood. I’m an adoptive mom and it is not simple or easy. Furthermore, it is a perfectly reasonable stance to say “Adoption is not for me.” or “I want to have a biological child.” You should adopt because you want to adopt – not because you need to have progeny (and I’ll grant that biological need is strong). If that’s your motivation, you need to get therapy before you foist your infertility issues onto another tiny human being who has no capacity to deal with them. /rant
anon
This actually is not even true. When I met my husband at 37, he was also looking for a serious relationship + wanting to start a family soon, so it worked out really well. Contrary to popular belief, there are men out there looking to get serious and have kids in a relatively short timeframe, assuming everything else in the relationship works.
Anon
+1 The whole comment was so deeply misogynistic, as if there’s something wrong and shameful about wanting a partner and/or wanting children.
Pesh
Any recommendations for a birthday gift for a one-year-old? My niece turns 1 soon, and I don’t have kids, so not exactly sure what would be good for this age!
Cb
There was a good discussion on the Moms site on Tuesday or Wednesday. But I recommend the big Green Toys vehicles.
Pesh
Thank you, I just posted this question over there, but will go back and find that thread!
Nylon girl
Richard Scary books & dvds.
Elderlyunicorn
You can never go wrong with books. At 1, bath toys are a big hit!
pugsnbourbon
This is a 100% know-your-family situation, but my nephew just turned one and I got him a pair of Dr Martens. Yes, they make them for babies. Yes, I am the Cool Aunt.
My wife does woodworking, so she made him a set of alligator stacking blocks. He’s a big, big fan of stacking things and knocking them over. There are similar ones available on Etsy.
Clementine
Dang. I want you to come be my kids’ cool aunts.
Neef
Try a kid size table and chair set in a neutral color (so it’s still good for the next kid). Extremely functional and versatile, she will enjoy sitting in it and eating her snack, coloring, etc. for years to come. It’s also good practice for the school setting. Age 2 they start enjoying the play kitchens and using their imaginations to play with the plastic food and bringing you “meals”.
Anonymous work surveys
My company is asking us to complete surveys on how happy we are/what we think of the company. They claim that these are anonymous. Do you trust this type of survey to actually be anonymous? I’ve got some feedback, but don’t want it traced back to me!
BeenThatGuy
I work in IT…nothing is anonymous. Tread lightly here.
Go for it
+1
Anon
I absolutely do NOT trust the anonymity of workplace or supervisor feedback. I know from comments that my immediate supervisor makes that the higher ups share all the specifics with him, and yes, they source trace.
Anonymous
No, I would not trust that they’re anonymous.
Anon
I don’t trust it either. It might technically be anonymous, but they usually survey by work group, and unless yours is huge, they can figure out who said what.
Anon
I work in HR at a large company, and have often dealt with survey data. At large companies, with these surveys a small team is typically analyzing the data and reporting key findings. If we use an external company as the survey vendor, each employee response is given an identifier code, so we don’t see the name of the employee. The big question is what is the policy on providing the data to individual managers. We don’t provide data to managers/teams with fewer than 20 responses to help minimize risk that it would be obvious who scored a certain way or commented. Ideally your survey should have a detailed privacy statement that says specifically how the data will be used and store.
Anon
I could have written this. I think written comments are where you need to tread a little lightly (when it’s just “pick a number” I think it’s less tricky). Comments like “It might be beneficial to provide managers more guidance on how to be inclusive in meetings” is better than “XXX is a doggie dogg manager who only likes to reward high performers” (actual quote from an engagement survey I worked on… I would say also use your judgment as to whether you believe your leadership overall is interested in moving towards change or just going through the motions
Anon
Doggie dogg or dog-eat-dog? :)
Anonymous
I’ve been burned by the “identifier code” as in a HR manager matched it to me & gave me a scolding for my responses.
CountC
Anecdata – I have no illusions that they could not trace my answers back to me, but I am always honest with my criticism with these. I am not emotional, but present facts and suggestions for improvements. It has not yet come back to bite me, to the best of my knowledge. We’ve had smaller round table groups to discuss some of the findings of various surveys, and I almost always repeat what I put in the survey in those meetings. I LOL’d when my boss asked for feedback on the results of the question asking us if we were looking for other jobs. I said yes. I always look at job postings. I want to know what’s on the market, what’s available, etc. I am not actively trying to leave, but I am always looking. It’s been fine and I have been assured that during the current lay offs I am not vulnerable (of course I know everyone is vulnerable). YMMV – I think it’s a know your office/know your leadership type of thing.
Jeffiner
I’ve always been honest on the surveys, and have even provided my name so that they can contact me for more information. I’m sure it’s a Know Your Office thing, but I now have a reputation as being someone who cares about the company, and management seeks out my opinions on process changes.
Anon
My former employer did that. But you had to say what your job role was and where you were located. Problem: I was the only one in my job role at my location.
I just answered the survey with things I had already told my boss and hoped for the best. Participation was mandatory.
Aunt Jamesina
I remember taking an “anonymous” survey at my last employer where you were required to state your role from a drop down menu. I was the only person in my role, so that guaranteed I gave them the answers they wanted to hear. Even for my coworkers who were on a large team, it wouldn’t have been too hard to triangulate answers and narrow down who it was, or for IT to pick up on it, either intentionally or inadvertently. Open-ended questions also mean people can fairly easily give themselves away in their choice of language.
Peloton app
I’m finally ready to try the Peloton app (thanks to many here!) and wondering about the username. Is this something just for login (so I can use the same username I use for everything, first initial last name)? Or will it be visible to other users (so I should use something like BrownEyedGirl)? TIA!
Anon
If you take live classes on Peloton equipment the instructor and classmates see your name. If you are just using the app and utilizing prerecorded classes no one sees your name.
NY CPA
You can see the other users simultaneously doing pre-recorded classes.
Anon
Is that true if you are not on Peloton equipment?
Anon
Yup. I don’t have a peloton (and do more strength classes than spin because I dislike my exercise bike) but who else is in the class always shows. I love it because misery loves company (even if the company is virtual strangers)
nutella
Yes, it is visible to others in the same class as you and findable to friends you share it with.
Anon
It’s visible.
anon
People can also search by username and instructors may call your username out in live classes. “I see you CorgiLover123 congrats on 100 rides!”
School
Large city school system, SEUS. Remote school indefinitely. We shut down in early March. Camps have been spotty but we have gone to the open outdoor ones.
Two questions:
1. My kids are in middle school. Can I assume that a bright and motivated high schooler is probably OK to watch my kids for 3ish hour/day while I WFH, mainly to keep them on-track with on-line learning (and mom-added online things like foreign language, reading, etc.), help with basic questions, and discourage online goofing off (remote learning is all online and when they have headphones on, they could be watching YouTube or making memes or doing work). [I adore kid, my kids adore kid, I think it helps that kid gives them a break from me, it helps that kid gives me a break to truly focus on work vs multitask, kid insists that spring remote learning took her at most 2ish hours a day, so she is not overly intruded on by this proposal and wants to do it.]
2. How long before 10/12 months of this in a calendar year takes a toll on my career?
Anon
1- sound like a great plan
2- everyone is in the same boat and fortunately your kids are in middle school so hopefully they can entertain themselves a bit
Anonymous
Yes a high schooler sounds great for this
Anonymous
I wouldn’t count on finding a bright, motivated high school kid. Those kids will have their own schoolwork to do in the fall, and anyone who chooses to keep their kid out of school is not going to want that kid exposed to your household.
Anonymous
OP here — We have her now (coming over in afternoons for a bit for weeks when we don’t have camp). Kiddo is bright and artsy and motivated. Has lived down the street from us for 8 years. Can’t drive yet, so prime sitting years :)
She is a total unicorn (not really: she has a friend posse of similar teens).
pugsnbourbon
Sounds like these teens should incorporate and advertise. I imagine the demand for just this type of service would be huge.
Or maybe that’s just the Babysitter’s Club reboot talking …
Vicky Austin
If you read the brackets, it sounds like she already found that kid.
Anonymous
But does OP really think the kid’s parents will allow her to sit during the school year, especially with caseloads rising?
AFT
Same concern, if OP hasn’t discussed it with her. I fear those of us who have been able to use high schoolers and college students who are off school in the summer will be in for a rude awakening when they go “back to school” (whether remotely or not) and have a classload to worry about.
Seventh Sister
My kids’ sitter is a high school grad with parents who are physicians at a large hospital system. Sitter’s older sister works at a coffee shop. Sitter’s mom was the one who suggested I hire her daughter!
We are masking and handwashing, but neither family is asking anyone to limit activities beyond what we do already.
In my experience, hiring babysitters is kind of a constant process and it’s hard to tell when any sitter will stick around. While there are a few we’ve had forever and ever, sitters get better jobs, move, go back to school, find full-time positions, decide they hate kids, etc.
Vicky Austin
1 – sounds like a win all round!
Asia Anon
+1
Anonymous
Yes, I’m so glad you have this option. I think it will work well, though I’d be prepared to make some allowances/accept imperfection because of their youth (and potential hiccups with remote instruction).
Maybe to build in additional free or work time for yourself, you can reward a completed “school day” with an episode of a TV series they can watch together or some other chill but time-consuming activity.
Seventh Sister
I’m never winning UMC Mother of the Year, but I don’t even think you need the high schooler every day if they are in middle school. I have one in 4th and one in 7th FWIW.
Nelly Yuki
Sometime in the last few weeks, I think either this site, a commenter here, or CapHillStyle posted a pair of small hoop earrings that were squarish. They came in silver and gold and were about $60. I thought I bookmarked them, but it looks like I didn’t. Anyone know where these are?
anon
I think they are the mini plain ovate huggies from Missoma. If that’s them it was CapHillStyle.
Anonymous
Yes! Thank you!!!! That makes sense because I remember them being shown in gold and also available in silver.
notinstafamous
Has anyone used those tiles that look like hardwood on their floor? We’re renovating and they have so many practical upsides (no scratches from the dogs! easy cleaning from the kids! sturdy! still looks like wood!), but I just can’t get over the mental hurdle of buying tile that’s impersonating wood. I think we’ll likely be re-selling in about 10 years if that matters.
Anon
I made the decision to go with wood over fake wood 13 years ago and I am so happy I did. Wood floors that you install today don’t scratch easily – the finish is baked on in the factory rather than completed in the home, and it is so much more durable. My floors still look almost new despite heavy use.
Senior Attorney
I agree. I’ve had real wood with a kid and a dog and cats and it was easy to clean and didn’t scratch. I feel like people have been using wood for floors for hundreds (if not thousands) of years for a reason.
Anon
These tiles are fine for suburban homes, but for luxury or historic homes you will really be hurting the resale value. The tiles read very…. pedestrian… to me, the house equivalent of a capri pant.
Anon
Ha! I love this analogy.
a
Yikes snobby much? Not all of us can afford a beautifully restored and updated historic home. A lot of us live in the suburbs. And, believe it or not, luxury does exist in the suburbs.
No Face
I believe the comment was appropriate and informative. Capri pants are a good analogy. There is nothing inherently wrong about them, but they do not work in more formal environments.
I have a capri pants house in the burbs.
Anon
You can’t get your feelings hurt when someone is talking about resale value. It’s a know your audience kinda thing. Someone looking for a historically accurate house is going to look at wood pattern tiles and just see one more thing she needs to tear out. It absolutely would affect resale value.
I’m assuming luxury home buyers would have similar qualms, but I know a lot more about being a historic home owner.
Anon
*snort*
notinstafamous
It’s a mid-range condo in a VHCOL area, so I’m a also worried about it looking out of place or weirdly cheap. At the end of the day it’s a glass shoebox in the sky, but I would much rather avoid the capri pants of the housing world :)
Anon
I think they can look really nice as long as you aren’t really, truly attempting to install them to look like wood. Keep a bit of a grout line or choose a style that has some aspects of wood but definitely isn’t (ie textured like wood, but a non-wood color). Acknowledge in the aesthetic that it is, in fact, tile.
I think being intentional about it being tile is the key here. It says, “This is my style choice.” and not “This is what I settled on.”
Anon
This is good advice for any design aspect!
The original Scarlett
Ooofff – stay far far far away from hardwood tiles in that environment – I sold one of those condos once upon a time and you want to stay with a hip/ modern look. I’d go with hardwood or engineered hardwood. Even if you get a pet scrape or two it’s a lot more resaleable
Airplane.
Excellent analogy. I think it can read like as ill-fitting depending on the house. It’s a mental hurdle for a reason.
anon a mouse
We used them in a bathroom renovation and I love them (especially with radiant heat underneath). Friends then used them throughout their main floor (3 dogs) and also were very happy. They are clearly not wood, but the overall aesthetic is good and you can’t beat the durability. If you are selling in 10 years or more, you may need to update things before selling anyway.
Cat
I’d go with real wood for charm and comfort (the difference between standing on tile and wood all day is remarkable).
They’re very popular in bathroom remodels right now and I do like that look (although it will probably appear dated 10 years out). But I only see them as “all over” treatment in beach houses where the sand fight is real.
Carmen Sandiego
A friend of mine has these in her house, and they look really nice and seem infinitely easier to clean. I definitely see the appeal!
Jeffiner
I used them in my foyer, and they look gorgeous. It looks more like tile that has a wood print on it, and not tile that is impersonating wood. Its very clear that its a tile floor. It was also super expensive, like $20 a square foot.
Anon
I have the tiles – they are called Luxury Vinyl Planks. I love them. They were inexpensive to buy & have installed. The are very easy to keep clean. Just get 4 or more samples of the same tile and be sure the print depth/quality look natural.
Aunt Jamesina
LVP is a different flooring type than wood-look tile. Similar idea, but totally different composition and installation technique.
Vicky Austin
My parents have laminate wood in their kitchen. It’s over 10 years old, looks great, and held up to our wild Lab and us messy kids.
Pompom
If you get them, do some research on how the grout color, layout pattern, and tile spacing impact the look.
I’ve seen these done well–grout that matches the tile, laid out with a wide repeat, and tiles spaced very closely–and poorly–bright white groutlines for dark tile, 2 or 3 row repeats that look like ladders, and wide lines–and the effect is so dependent.
Saguaro
+1 I have real wood in my bedroom and living/dining room and the wood looking tile in my office because it is a high use area (office chair rolling around and I foster kittens, so easier to keep clean). I definitely recommend the tile for high use areas. Also, we did the tiles spaced as close as possible and a very closely matching grout (as Pompom suggest), so it really does look like real wood.
Anon
I’ve seen them in model homes and they look surprisingly nice when installed. I agree the idea is cheesy but I would put them in my home.
Aunt Jamesina
I think these are going to look quite dated very soon, and will be the chevron print of design choices 10 years from now. They already look dated to me. I would pick either hardwood floors or a tile that doesn’t mimic wood.
Been There
My former in-laws did this, and I would never get them because they seemed to amplify all sounds in the house. I think if you want wood, get wood or laminate. If you want tile for ease of cleaning and durability, get something that looks like tile or finished concrete or similar.
AnonATL
If it’s a small area which I imagine it would be in a condo, I would just spring for the real hardwoods. As someone else said, you can go for an engineered hardwood, but most of the oak varieties are very durable.
We have hardwoods throughout our house (minus kitchen and baths), and two 50lb dogs who sprint to the nearest window at any strange noise, and our hardwoods have held up great. Only thing that’s done noticeable damage is a framed picture coming off the wall and dinging it and a slight scratch from moving a piece of furniture. You’d have no idea unless you know where to look. We’ve had great success covering minor scratches with the little wood stain pens you can get at Home Depot. It’s basically a sharpie with wood stain and it covers scratches really well. It’s a very classic look, and I do agree that these LVT products will be out of style soon.
Anonymous
+1. Wood is one of the few things that looks better a bit dinged up. Plus, you can always do a minor refinish prior to sale.
Anon
I’ve seen these done really well and really poorly. If it works for your lifestyle, get them. But the ones that look really nice and somewhat realistic (you will always be able to tell if they are fake due to grout lines) are very expensive (Tbh the really nice ones might cost more than wood) because they are textured just enough to feel more like real wood, are cut thin and long, there are multiple grain patterns used throughout a set, and are just so slightly curved at the edges to allow for a 1/8 in. grout line. Make sure you use a grout color that corresponds to the tile. Nothing I hate more than a wood look tile that is dark with cream grout lines.
Porcelain farmhouse sinks
My grandmother, who lived on a farm, had one, certainly didn’t baby it, and it lasted forever (and still is being used now that my aunt lives there). Are modern ones this good? Or do you have to baby them? My husband is an idiot and also very rough on things (like: wants to wash grill grates in the sink) and I am wondering what will take him the longest time to ruin now that we need to get a new sink.
Anon
My parents have an enameled cast iron sink and they get very persnickety about how gently I put things in it when I visit. I don’t know if that’s just them babying the sink or if they’re really actually fragile. I guess Theyre worried about chipping the glaze.
nutella
Our house has an enameled cast iron sink. If it were up to me, I would have gone with stainless but it was what came with the house. Grill grates will absolutely scuff it up. My husband, trying to be helpful, scuffed it the first week we bought the house washing our cookware. It comes off pretty easily, but you have to get a special product for it. I ended up buying a rack that fits the bottom (both Kohler, so the racks are a prefect fit) so we weren’t constantly scuffing it. I am guessing it would chip, too, if something heavy were thrown in. So if you are committed to it, buy the racks and the polish and have you husband wash the grates outside or in a rubbermaid tub. Otherwise, go with stainless steel!
Anon
Yeah, I was thinking stainless steel would be the best choice, too.
Anon
I have a deep porcelain over cast iron sink. I don’t know if it’s farmhouse because it doesn’t have the lip of porcelain in the front. We haven’t had issues with it chipping but it does stain a bit now, after 12 years, so we have to clean it with bleach occasionally. We absolutely do not baby it!
Anon
I went with stainless because I was worried about dishes breaking unless you gently place stuff in the sink.
Anon
How hard is it to replace sinks? I have a copper sink that was put in during a kitchen reno by the last owner. I hate it so much. It was gorgeous the day I moved in but it is impossible to keep clean.
Mrs. Jones
We have a white porcelain farmhouse sink. We do not baby it at all, and it looks totally fine. We’ve lived here 7 years, and it was installed a few years before we moved in.
Anon
Those who do IF – what’s your eating window and when do you work out?
Anonymous
eat 11am – 7:30pm. Work out lunchtime on Mondays (eat something at 11am, yoga at lunch, light late lunch after yoga), after work on Wednesday (personal trainer) and Saturday mornings (yoga before my eating window).
anon
Eating window is 10:30 to 6:30.
I work out first thing in the morning and/or after dinner (PM workout is usually just a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood).
givemyregards
I vary my window by when I can work out – my doctor recommended breaking my fast right after exercising – but it’s usually around 12:30 – 8:30pm (workout 11am-12pm) or 1:30 – 9:30pm (workout 12-1pm). I know that if I go later in the evening and start earlier in the day the next day, it’s a shorter fast window, but it still seems to work for me.
AFT
12-8ish since quarantine. typically do a strength/HIIT class two days a week at 7 a.m., go running a couple days early in the morning, and lift at various times on other days. IME I don’t really notice that I’m weaker/light headed due to fasting except at the very end of my fast with a really intense workout (e.g, a super intense HIIT class right before my window opens at noon).
Anon
My therapist is really PUSHING me with our weekly “homework” assignments. I adore and trust her, so how uncomfortable they make me means I probably need to do them…two big ones this week to report back next week on. It’s like I’m looking for excuses to get out of doing them by talking to my friends….who are also in therapy and aren’t really the people I should be looking for advice from in these spheres. A large chunk of it is going against the way society makes women feel about ourselves/our emotions/our actions. As an objective licensed professional taking in my habits and past traumas, her advice for me lines up with what male friends usually express to me, whether it be professionally or personally. Wish me luck and hugs to all of us who are pushing ourselves! It may go well or it may not, but these emotional growing pains are telling me this needs to happen!
Go for it
Go you! You can do this!
Anon
You can do it! And yay for therapists who help us do this kind of uncomfortable work.
Senior Attorney
Go, you! And remember, worrying about not doing the thing is almost always worse than just doing the thing.
Anon
“A large chunk of it is going against the way society makes women feel about ourselves/our emotions/our actions. As an objective licensed professional taking in my habits and past traumas, her advice for me lines up with what male friends usually express to me, whether it be professionally or personally. ”
This is a tremendous opportunity for you. Men don’t put up with the b.s. that a lot of women inflict on themselves, each other, or find inflicted on them by men. Don’t talk about this with women who are also in therapy; they aren’t able to give you the perspective you need.
Anon
What’s your favorite mindless beach read? I mostly read non fiction about history, current events, or war (currently reading about Syria) but like to throw in some lighter reading here and there!
I tend to like books about young women in the city and/or storylines/lives that intersect (like Valentines Day but in a book). Not crazy about rom coms/plot lines focused on romance. I do like mysteries if they’re not too scary. I feel like there’s a lot of these “chick lit” books (haaate that term) that I just don’t know about since It’s not my go to.
Books in this genre I’ve liked are The Light We Lost and the Alice Network. But, would be very down for happier books (even those are still about war!)
Anon
I loved the Light We Lost! Sadly, I’m reading another book by that author right now – More Than Words – and I think I’m going to have to give up soon, it is so boring.
I love Elin Hildebrand’s books especially in the Summer, some are better than others.
I recently liked You Were There Too that is kind of a Light We Lost genre.
Cat
Kate Atkinson is great for interwoven stories. Case Histories (start of Jackson Brodie series, it’s mysteries but those are sort of ancillary to the storytelling) and Life After Life are my favorites.
Anon
Someone once recommended Life After Life here saying it was one of their favorite books ever. I wanted to throw it against the wall before I was 1/3 the way in! Funny how different tastes can be.
Cat
that’s so funny! I thought it got better and better the further you read, because you’d recognize the different path that the main character chose from the prior “life.” Worth a try, OP, but have a backup :)
Aunt Jamesina
Agreed, I really enjoyed that book.
Anon
Same.
Mrs. Jones
I didn’t like it either.
Anon
Anything by Barbara Kingsolver! Love learning about our environment and different parts of the country while enjoying a great story. Her books also have the “intersecting lives” thing. Yes to romance but it’s not the central theme. She’s also great at love between siblings and friends.
Asia Anon
Huge fan of the intersecting lives thing here!
+1 to Barbara Kingsolver.
Also, A Gentleman in Moscow and Rules of Civility.
Jodi Picoult books make me cry so much but I thought they are great reads too.
Paul Auster, Amy Tan, Ellery Quinn (mystery), Agatha Christie (esp the Hercules Poirot series) are some personal favorites. John Grisham (if you’re not a lawyer) too.
Asia Anon
Oh, also The Book Thief.
Anon
Oh man, I hate that book so much. The style was NOT for me. I totally recognize I’m in the minority here though.
anon
I thought it was only ok. I read it 5+ years ago and don’t even remember what it was about. Definitely a letdown after all the fuss.
OP
I actually read the book thief in high school for a book report!
Anonymous
The Book Thief is a YA novel.
Senior Attorney
I burned through all of Liane Moriarity (“Big Little Lies”) last summer and they are all great beach reads.
Senior Attorney
Oops nesting fail. I also enjoy Barbara Kingsolver but don’t find her all that mindless.
anne-on
Such a Fun Age, Modern Lovers, Mrs. Everything, Red at the Bone, The Bookish Life of Nina Hill, and Oona Out of order were all really good. Red at the Bone was a relatively quick read but fairly heavy, so just FYI.
anon a mouse
You might like Code Name Verity and Rose Under Fire, both by Elizabeth Wein.
Anon
This isn’t “mindless,” but it’s an easy read and I really enjoyed it – The Sun is a Compass by Caroline van Hemert. It’s a memoir with beautiful nature observations from the time she and her husband did a 4,000-mile human-powered trek from Bellingham, WA to the Chukchi Sea. I’m really interested in stories about women and mothers taking risks in nature and not following society’s main paths and I thought this read was really special for that.
cat socks
I like these authors for books about young women and intersecting storylines.
Beatriz Williams
Lauren Willig
Fiona Davis
Summer of ’69 from Elin Hilderbrand was good.
Mary Kubica has some good thrillers and I don’t think they are too scary.
The Girl You Left Behind from JoJo Moyes was good.
Cb
I loved the aptly-named Beach Read, a romance but super interesting and engaging. Some things I’ve enjoyed recently which may be new-to-you include Promising Young Woman, Exciting Times (so, so good, really captures that post-college phase), Adults (social media, relationships, etc), Convenience Store Women (young woman in Japan), Expectations (such a good exploration of friendship in your 30s), Oona Out of Order (a bit where’d you go Bernadette?)
Marie
+1 for Beach Read! I couldn’t put it down.
Anonymous
OMG I hated Beach Read and never finished it! Boring and predictable.
Anon
Ditto
Lizbet
These are more mindless than the suggestions you have been getting, but still very well-written and engaging: The Royal We and The Heir Affair, fiction apparently based on the Kate Middleton/Prince love affair and marriage. Loved them!
Anonymous
The Spellman Series of Mysteries by Lisa Lutz
Free Food for Millionaires by Min Jin Lee
Writers and Lovers by Lily King
Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid
Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid
American Spy by Lauren Wilkinson
Who Thought This Was A Good Idea? by Alyssa Mastromonaco
Mrs. Jones
Georgette Heyer’s regency romances are delightful.
eertmeert
A million times yes.
Asia Anon
Paging the KN95 mask question poster from yesterday:
With the caveat that I live in Korea (and am therefore speaking out of general knowledge from Korean media), KN95 masks (certified by China) or KF94 masks (from Korea) are supposed to provide a similar level of protection against aerosols as N95 masks if fitted properly, and KF94 masks are in use by hospital personnel in Korea.
There have been some issues with fake KN95 masks so I stick to KF94 (blocks 94% of aerosols of a certain size, I forget how big) or KF80 (blocks 80% of said aerosols, bit easier to breathe in than KF94s). They were government rationed until last week, but I heard the export ban is being eased so you might have some luck looking for these instead.
For efficacy…Korea is back down to 10-20 local cases/day (+ 20-40 imported cases/day) without a full lockdown and with schools and daycares mostly trying to open and packed public transportation (after a second surge from nightclubs back in May) so I’m inclined to assume these masks work. Maybe 60% of the people I see during my subway commute and 90% of the people at my office wear KF94/KF80s – the others wear surgical masks or cotton masks.
Anon
Thank you so much! To those who suggested I not post my query on a “fashion blog”-I have and will continue to do my own research, but also posted with the knowledge that there are so many smart, international women on this forum whose input I value. It feels especially valuable to have input from folks outside of the USA given how poorly our federal government has managed this pandemic.
Anonymous
I hear you & think we’re all exhausted with these decisions right now. It would be wonderful if the government or your workplace would take the lead on this, but in absence of that we do the best we can. And even if they did, it’s still good to ask questions. Because the importance of taking responsibility for ourselves is really high, we do have to be cautious about our sources of information.
Asia Anon
You’re welcome – I was googling a bit and this article seems more or less in line with what I’m told in Korea. Health authorities are saying surgical or cotton masks are fine too, but KF94 or KF80 are much more effective at preventing spread of virus by sneezing etc if fhe wearer is the one infected
https://smartairfilters.com/en/blog/difference-between-n95-and-kf94-masks/
joan wilder
Wise readers, please share your organization tips for working from home. In the office, my not-amazing system combining post-its laid out on the desk and email tasks lists worked for me. At home, where I don’t have an actual desk (or much space), I am buried in post-its and losing track of my tasks. Paper has always worked better for me, but I don’t know how to start to consolidate Mount Post-It into another system. Ideas? Thanks!
anon8
Instead of multiple Post-Its can you just jot down notes in a single notebook? It may take some work up front, but write the note from the Post-It into the notebook and then throw away the Post-It so you don’t refer to it again.
Equestrian Attorney
+1. I did the post-its and had a whiteboard in my office, and I have no space for either in my home office, so I got a cute notebook and just scribble things down as a I go along. Whenever I need to check back on something, it’s in the notebook (or a previous notebook – I am now on notebook #4 since March. Apparently I take a lot of notes). I also make extensive use of my Outlook calendar to set reminders for myself, not just for meetings.
Cb
I have this magic whiteboard stuff that clings to the wall and allows me a bit more surface space. I’ve also commandeered a large frame, hung it by my desk, and stick my post-it notes to it.
I think you need a post-it kan-ban board, on a door maybe?
anonshmanon
yeah, I’d do the post-it’s on a door, or window even. Or a wall, whatever is near your desk.
mahnamahna
Spiral notebook with a binder clip. Stick your existing sticky notes on the first page and then write your tasks in the notebook from there. When I get down to 1-3 tasks left on a page, I move them to a clean page and carry on. (Binder clip for the completed pages.)
Go for it
Look up Toyota boards (it was a video on NPR New tech city show) . I did a version of it in a loose leaf for wfh. I use post it’s in the office, so also used post it’s on sheet protectors, & divided it by topic.
Anon
Post-its on the inside of a file folder that you can close when you don’t need it to save space?
E
I had a serious notebook and post it note problem, but I got a Rocketbook (erasable) notebook and it’s been great! It’s a notebook, calendar, and task list in one. You can scan in and save your notes using the app, and just erase notes you don’t need (like tasks that have been accomplished). Between that and a mini whiteboard on my desk my law partner got me, I’m all set and rarely use post its now.
Anon
First-gen college grads (or people from challenging backgrounds) – I want to hear your “knowledge gap” stories.
I misspelled matriculation in a pretty embarassing setting this week (in my defense “metriculation” seems like a more reasonable way to spell it!). I have a college degree, I read a lot, and my spelling and vocabulary are solid, but that word just wasn’t in it!
Anon
Um, I don’t even know what that word means, so I think you’re good?
Anon
My husband learned English as a teen and has become completely fluent, but for a while, he had some pretty cute malapropisms. My favorite was when he said something was “spreading like wildflowers.” I don’t think he’s ever made a major mistake in a professional setting, but he once badly mispronounced a drink at Starbucks and the barista couldn’t stop herself from snorting. We laugh about it now, but he was so red at the time.
Vicky Austin
Spreading like wildflowers is an awesome image.
OP, please don’t beat yourself up – that word is so rarely used I’m sure nobody noticed or cared!
Senior Attorney
OMG I am going to say “spreading like wildflowers” all the time from now on!
Z
I don’t think misspelling a word is a “knowledge gap” thing, we’re all human and misspell stuff sometimes.
Anon
+1
Anon
i don’t think this has anything to do with that. i’m not saying this is you, but i am not a first-gen college grad and have just always been bad at spelling.
Walnut
Wholistic vs holistic. The former just seems right to me.
Anon
I pronounced “stochastic” sto-key-ass-tic to my boss, five years into my profession as an actuary, because I had only read the word and never said the word, even through all of my college and on-the -job-training. My boss did not go easy on me, either. He roared with laughter and told a lot of other people about it.
First gen college grad from a rural/poor background.
anon
Oof I’ve definitely mispronounced it that way too. In my defense, I studied chemistry in undergrad so I must’ve had “stoichiometry” on the brain. I’m sorry your boss reacted that way — it’s certainly not that big a deal.
Another anonymous judge
What a jerk. Cheering for your wonderful accomplishments from the other side of the internet.
Anon
If it makes you feel better – I make those mistakes all of the time! I spell things the way I’d pronounce them, which is apparently incorrect.
My Philly accent is certainly there, but not nearly as strong as other people I know!
nah, English is hard
I don’t think the example you gave is a knowledge gap so much as proof that English is hard. I regularly ask fellow grammar nerds about tricky wording, I still have to look up “complement” vs. “compliment”, and “etymology” vs. “entomology” (literally just now, I got the red squiggly on this comment so I had to go look up the spelling), even though I know there’s a little trick to remembering which one is for word origins and which one is for insects. And have you seen the memes about knowing your region in the US, based on whether you say “soda” or “pop” or “Coke”? All this to say, whether it’s because you’re a first-gen college grad or speak English as a second language, trust me… most native speakers aren’t doing much better :) I really only judge people on misspellings or incorrect word usage if they’re jerks about it. If you insist on pretending that your ability to spell good or talk good makes you superior to someone, I will definitely call out any typos or mispronunciations (puns intended).
Pink
LOL and yes to all this. Everyone in my extended family has a different word for carbonated beverages based on where they grew up. My friend from PA always amuses me with her vernacular. One of the first times we hung out I had to ask her “Wait, WTH is a bubbler?” (It’s a water fountain)
Cat
that is not a PA thing I’ve ever heard ever — I associate “bubbler” with the NE! are her parents from there? Despite being raised in the mid-Atlantic, I definitely have some classic Midwestern words in my vocab since my dad was raised there :)
Airplane.
I thought bubbler was Wisconsin/Minnesota or Midwest, never heard it in the Northeast.
Anon
Yeah I’m from PA and the only person I know who said bubbler was from Wisconsin.
But, if you come over around dinner time, I will ask “Jeet?”
Aunt Jamesina
Yup, bubbler is definitely a Wisconsin thing.
Anon
My dad is from Pittsburgh and calls the vacuum a “sweeper” and it still throws me off every time after 30+ years as his daughter.
hi hi hi
I’m from central Indiana and went to college in New York. One of my favorite memories for my east coast raised roommates re: language. They were planning a party and were cleaning and getting some goods together. I asked if they wanted me to use the sweeper (i.e., vacuum) and then noticed they have bought suckers (i.e., lollipops) so said something about suckers. They were completely confused, and after clarifying the language-based confusion, one of them said to me, “so, you don’t call vacuums suckers? Which one is the sweeper?” ahhh.
I was also asked on my first day in the dining hall if I was “online.” I said something about yes, I have a computer… blah blah. This was how I learned about “in” vs. “on” line. :)
Pink
Interesting! I’ll have to ask where she picked that up b/c her dad is third or fourth generation Pennsylvanian but I’m not sure about her mom. Also, my favorite thing she says is “the yard needs mowed” instead of “I need to mow the yard.” I don’t know why, but that verbiage makes so much more sense to me. WRT “sweeper” – my grandma had one of those push sweepers back in the day, so that actually makes sense that whatever thing cleans the carpets is a sweeper. But grandma also calls the tv remote the “clicker” so maybe my family is just insane.
Cat
haha so she’s from Pittsburgh then. The joke about that area — for Shakespeare, the quote would just be “or not, that is the question” had he grown up there ;)
Anon
“The yard needs mowed” – classic Pennsylvania Dutch (and parts of the midwest – ex: Ohio). Comes from German sentence structure. See also: “my hair needs cut” or “the dog needs walked”.
LaurenB
You keep saying “Pennsylvanian” but there’s a world of difference between a Pittsburgh and a Philadelphia accent.
Airplane.
That’s specific to Pittsburgh area for sure, not a PA thing. It sound so weird to me when I heard it from my BFF from Pittsburg. I always inserted words when I heard her say it “the lawn needs TO BE mowed.”
Anonymous
I am a PA transplant but afer 15 years, I absolutely have adopted “the yard needs mowed” type of phrases. It’s so much easier!
Anon
Lol one time I was looking over a document and caught that a coworker used the wrong compliment / complement… I now get get volunteered to do a lot of proof reading for my team.
Meanwhile I can’t tell you when to use its and when to use it’s to save my life and my spelling is atrocious (due to a local accent)
anon
“It’s” is a contraction of “it is.” So replace its/it’s in the sentence with “it is” and see if it makes sense.
It’s sunny outside = It is sunny outside –> sounds fine so “it’s” is correct
Every dog has its day = Every dog has it is day –> makes no sense so use “its” without apostrophe
Anon 12:38
I know that one is a contraction and one is possessive but I just always mix up which is which!
I think I just have a mental block over the possessive not having the apostrophe!
anon
I hear ya! Just wanted to offer a way to check your work :)
Anonymous
“It’s a wise dog that scratches its own fleas.”
Anon
Everyone has knowledge gap stories – even those who aren’t first-gen college grads or from challenging backgrounds. It’s part of being human and having different experiences.
Example: my husband was born outside of the US (in an English speaking country) to parents who themselves were not native English speakers. His family has generations of highly-educated people, but they weren’t US born/raised. He moved to the US with his family at age 8.
I had the following conversation with him (at age 38):
Him: “Isn’t this donut delicious?”
Me: “Yes! It reminds me of coffee cake!”
Him: “Really? I don’t think it tastes like coffee”
Me: “There is no coffee in coffee cake”
Him: “What? Then why is it called coffee cake?”
Me: “Because you eat a slice of it while drinking a cup of coffee”
Him: “…”
Anonymous
I didn’t know how to pronounce ‘macabre’ until a much more well-heeled friend told me in grad school. My mother, who has a master’s degree, pronounced it mac-a-brey, so I did too. A lot of folks whose vocabulary is mostly from reading have unusual pronunciations regardless of how much education they have! How many of us could pronounce Hermione until the first Harry Potter movie came out?
Cat
I read a TON as a kid… Facade not being “fake-aid” took me until my late teens for this reason! Same with hors d’oeuvres… I had read it in books but never put it together with what I thought my mom served as “orderves” lol. I wonder what word I have yet to actually attempt to say for the first time…
Anonymous
Wait, what? It’s not orderves??
Anonymous
Tips — when you go stay with the (retired) parents, how do you “deal” with their worrying — if they are worriers? Like if they are anxious or always worried about their health and talking about it or the news or whatever, how do you make it so it doesn’t get to you? I’m anxiety prone but also have the ability to cut it off and be like — ok I’m obsessing. They don’t and it just brings down the mood and makes everyone else worry. Especially relevant if you’re going and staying for a while — i.e. not a turnaround trip or a weekend but working from there for a bit. Do you just plan to retreat to your work room even without work to go read or whatever? Anything else?
Anon
I honestly just don’t stay with my parents or my in-laws. It’s weird an infantilzing to stay in either of their homes, I’m an adult I can afford a hotel so I pay for the separation.
Anonymous
Right but mid pandemic if people want to visit and can’t do a day trip, they’re staying simply to avoid exposure to hotels, rental homes and be going back and forth.
Anon
This is very family dependent. Both my parents and in-laws have furnished guest bedrooms and would be mightily offended if we stayed in a hotel. But, we get along with them, they love our dogs and we don’t have kids to wrangle so it works. We have guest rooms for them too when they visit.
anon
I’m working from my parents’ house for a little while to get a break from my tiny city apartment. I spend a lot of time in my makeshift office, even if I don’t have work to do. I fill that time with reading, Netflix, and yoga.
I also came to their house armed with jigsaw puzzles, sudoku, crossword puzzles, etc. to give *them* something else to do and help keep their minds off of current events. So far this setup seems to be working for everyone.
Pink
I’m fed up with Lululemon’s declining product quality and customer service, but I have worn Speed Up Shorts (4″ inseam these days) for a decade, so I’m just beginning the hunt for a good sub and thought I’d ask y’all. I use them as everyday putter around shorts and to lift weights. I’ve tried Target’s running shorts – they do not work. Do Prana, Patagonia or Athleta have an equivalent to the Speed Up? Should I try Rabbits?
Anonymous
North Face . . . Aphrodite I think? They come in 6″ . Belle from CHS recommended and I have 3 pairs in constant rotation this year.
The Lone Ranger
Oiselle’s Roga?
Anon
Yes, these. I prefer the 7 inch inseam, but they’re really comfortable!
Bette
I would try Tracksmith (Session shorts) or Oiselle Roga shorts). They’re a little shorter on the inseam, but great quality for both.
Anon
I have running shorts from Athleta that I really like, but I’ve never tried the ones you’re referring to, so I don’t know how they compare.
OP
Thanks, all! TNF Aphrodite are on sale for like $23 so I snapped those up! I’m also going to order the Oiselles. Really appreciate these recs; I would not have found them on my own.
Follow up to Aphrodite
Do TNF Aphrodite have built in undies? It doesn’t look like it, but I want to be sure. I like the built in undies.
Anon
Curious what you don’t like about the speed up shorts? I just got a pair, wondering what to look for
Anon
I’m single, don’t have kids, and I feel like I’m not doing enough with my life. I look at my family and friends who are married and have kids and I think “geez, they have rewarding jobs AND are raising kids, all I’m doing is working.” I have time to “do” other things, I just don’t know what to do. I have hobbies but whenever I do them, it just feels like “what’s the point of doing this?” I could paint the most beautiful picture but what’s the point…what does this lead to? Has anyone felt like this or have any advice?
Anon
I can’t tell if this is quite what you’re asking, so maybe not applicable, but could it be depression? I used to have a lot of hobbies that I liked a lot, then was depressed for probably about 8 years before realizing that it was depression (was functional, just not happy or really feeling much of anything). Now that I’ve started treating the depression, I’m doing my old hobbies a lot more and I’m back to that place where I get a lot of joy and value out of them.
Anonymous
Yes being disinterested in things that you like is a sign of depression. Treating it helped.
Anon
The point is the process, not the endgame. If you’re doing something you truly enjoy, you’ll care less about the final outcome and more about just doing the thing. Maybe painting (or whatever it is you’ve tried) isn’t it for you. And that’s fine! Keep trying different things until you find something like doing, just for the sake of doing it.
As a kid, I always wanted to be a writer, an artist, and a pianist. Today, I am all of those things, but I don’t necessarily make my living that way. I do them because I love them, and because I lose myself when I’m doing them and time seems to simply disappear (see “Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi). They are huge parts of what makes life feel meaningful to me.
Anon
I find that I worry less about the point of hobbies/activities when they’re demanding, risky, and require focus. If I’m rock climbing a route that is hard for me, I need to be 100% focused on putting my hands and feet where they need to go and I’m not going to be able to mull over the direction of my life unless I want to go flying off the wall. If I’m skiing a double black in foggy conditions, I need to be mentally and physically engaged so I don’t hit rocks or tumble down a steep slope. These types of activities allow me to get into that “flow” state because the alternative is failure and possibly injury. I struggle more with low-risk activities like yoga because my mind will wander or it will feel like a “waste,” even though I rationally know it’s not.
Mal
A thought – maybe try investing more time in your relationships as way way to find more purpose? Friends, family, etc. I find that that’s an area that really contributes to quality of life. How bout reaching out to friends you haven’t spoken to? Catch up with elderly relatives? Send something thoughtful to the harried parents you know? I find, as a fellow nonmarried, childless person, that you’d be surprised how much folks appreciate that, and it feels like I’m contributing to my community, family, and chosen family. My hobbies contribute to that in interesting ways – I have things to talk about, things to share.
Of course, during this time of COVID, finding purposed is all the much harder when we can’t physically be there for one another. I think all of us are feeling what you’re feeling in some fashion, no matter what our relationship/kid status is.
Anon
As others have said this could be a couple of things. Is there a chance it’s just that you need to set some specific goals related to what you like? I’m not sure what the painting equivalent would be, but here are a few examples of what I mean:
– Reading: read the NYTimes Best Books of the year each year, read x books from y genre, read n books by m type of author, work through a Coursera class on literature
– Cooking: cook every recipe in a cookbook, test a bunch of recipes to find the best cookie/brownie/chicken recipe, take cooking classes
Sometimes I find that having a specific goal in mind helps the activity feel more meaningful (and also, easier to talk to other people about).
Anon
Frivolous question, but:
I’m moving into a new job that is a huge step up in authority and external visibility from my current position and I want to reward myself with a jewelry purchase.
Have you bought yourself a piece of jewelry to celebrate leveling up in your career? Tell me about it! I want to take a mini break from the news and think about shiny things.
I’m thinking about having a three stone ring made. This would be my first piece of custom jewelry.
Part of my motivation for this purchase is that I’m a younger POC who will interact a lot with older wealthy white people. I see this jewelry purchase as an opportunity to wear something that helps remind me that I belong in the room (whether anyone else notices it and thinks that isn’t my priority).
What jewelry have you bought yourself to celebrate a milestone and commemorate the work that got you there?
Anonymous
I bought a Cartier Tank Watch.
Anonymous
I feel like a luxury watch is a great way to get old white people (guys) to take notice of you. A lot of the rich white people I know wouldnt necessarily be impressed by a ring (unless it was a honking diamond) but would notice you had on a Cartier or Chopard or whatever watch. FWIW, I have both a Cartier Santos watch and a Chopard Happy Sport watch that I bought at auctions in the few $K range and look great.
Anonymous
That being said, do what you want! It sounds like you want the ring for you, not necessarily to impress other people, which is a great attitude to have.
The Only GenXer in the Office
Yes! I did this at the encouragement of my college roommate. When I received a big promotion, I purchased a beautiful right-hand ring from an estate jewelry store. It’s a garnet surrounded by a halo of rubies and diamonds. It wasn’t expensive, but I love that I commemorated an important occasion with something meaningful to me.
I also had a ring made out of stones from my old engagement ring and an old birthstone necklace to celebrate my divorce. I had always HATED the setting on my engagement ring so I loved turning something that had such terrible memories (as well as a necklace I never wore) into something that brings me joy.
Do it! you won’t regret it!! You deserve to celebrate yourself.
pugsnbourbon
Agreed, I love the idea of a custom piece! It sounds like you’re crushing it professionally and this would be a beautiful touchstone (literally) for you. Congratulations!
Cat
I went for a nice watch to celebrate a promotion — not the kind that advertise in the Economist and represent the down payment on my house, but around $3-4K. I was already a daily watch-wearer but having a more substantial watch on my wrist feels more substantial mentally, as well.
Senior Attorney
I bought myself a small diamond class ring when I graduated from college way back a hundred years ago (are class rings even a thing any more? probably not). I wore it for years and loved it.
And heartiest congratulations on the new job! Yay!!
Never too many shoes...
My first associate bonus! I bought rose gold and topaz earring with diamonds. They are fairly big so I wear them with my hair pulled back and black suits for work and I love them. They remind me of how far I have come and that I belong in the room. Do it.
Vicky Austin
I love this whole thread! Rock that ring, OP. I think it sounds lovely.
KatieWolf
For me, and my particular region, a David Yurman bracelet. It seems like all the partners (I’m in law) has them in stacks, and I felt like it was more signifying than a watch, bc the circles I run in, no one wears watches anymore! If you can, try to observe what others are wearing. I moved to a new region and DY was not as popular, it was all luxury bags. But I still love my bracelets and still feel fancy (and rich lol) when I wear them!
Anonymous
Do it! I meant to buy myself a bracelet for each case I have won, and never did it. It would be awesome to have that reminder.
anon
I bought a right hand ring. It’s a sculptured flower with a rose cut diamond in the middle so it has a softer vintage look.
Anon
About 16 years ago, I bought myself diamond stud earrings (it was after I completed a major educational achievement). I love them and wear them every day unless I go through the hassle of switching out earrings for something more fun. They are professional and versatile enough that you can wear them with just about anything. I have a coworker that wears beautiful blue topaz studs most days (maybe not as versatile from a color standpoint). There are many different cost points so you can set your budget for what you want (size, shape, ethically mined, color/cut/clarity, setting). I like the ring idea too, so you can see it and enjoy it as well!
OP ring anon
Thank you all for your replies! I love hearing how others have celebrated their achievements with a little bling and I appreciate the well wishes for my new gig.
Thanks also for the encouragement to go for it! I’m not usually one to splash out the cash for something like this so it does feel a little frivolous, but it will be nice to glance down at my hand and see a private reminder that I’ve worked very hard to be in the room and I belong here.
And a Cartier watch is on my wishlist, but for this milestone I want to go for something a little more personalized. Someday it shall be mine!
I’m grateful we have this fantastic supportive community! Thanks so much!
Anon
Do it! I recently bought myself diamond studs and a diamond pendant from Tiffany with my bonus after achieving a big promotion while enduring 1+ years of fertility treatments (and finally getting pregnant). I just marched into Tiffany on 5th avenue and (somewhat) impulsively bought both :) I wear them every day and they make me very happy.
Anonymous
I could use advice with how to handle my life being…bad. I have a therapist. The last few years have been awful. Mom had cancer, dad seriously injured in a car accident, all 4 grandparents died, I had a miscarriage, I was diagnosed with a serious lifelong chronic illness and now after years of fertility treatment I know kids are not in the cards.
I basically feel like my life is all downhill from here and I’m only 31. It is hard to imagine a future where anything happy occurs because everything I was looking forward to is no longer possible. And the health issues mean there are just more bad things on the horizon. I feel a lot of pressure to not be sad and put up a happy front – nothing bad has ever happened to my closest friends so they don’t know how to support me, and they are all in what they view as the happiest years of their lives with their young kids and I don’t want to bring them down.
There are good things in my life – spouse, job, family, friends, pets. But it’s all just been overwhelmed by the badness.
Any advice/similar stories with happy endings appreciated.
NYNY
Wow, that’s a lot. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through so much.
Therapy is good – what an amazing gift to yourself! – but you may want to look into a support group for your chronic illness, as well. Hearing from others who are dealing with the same thing may give you insight and perspective that your friends can’t.
Sending virtual hugs.
Anon
wow. so so many hugs. or a support group for others who can’t have children. this is all a lot and i’m sure anyone in your shoes would be struggling a lot. if compatible with your treatments for your health issues you might also consider antidepressants. while they will not fix everything they might be helpful.
i would also not put so much pressure on yourself to ‘not bring your friends down.’ if you were my close friend i admittedly would not know exactly how to support you (though my own life has not been perfect in the past year as my mom who i was very close with passed away and while i do have a husband and kids, i don’t really have the professional success i thought i would have) and would not want you to feel like you have to put on a happy front or that you were bringing me down. i would want to know how to support you, what topics were ok to talk about and what was hard for you. i’m sure i wouldn’t get it right even close to 100% of the time, but would want to do what i could.
i know this is obviously made more challenging by covid, but if having kids was something you saw as part of your life, that now will not be, you are also grieving the life you thought you would have. when you are ready (and not right now), can you try to think of some other goals or things that you would like to do that might work with your health limitations – whether it is learn a new skill, travel to certain places, achieve something in your career, etc. sending you lots and lots of hugs. and wine or ice cream
Anonymous
Yes, I was coming here to say support group or two as well. Each of your issues on their own merit a support group! I am in a couple as the spouse of somebody with a lifelong chronic illness and they are immensely helpful because I don’t have to explain anything to them and things are going badly, like I do with my friends
Anon
I don’t have any advice, but I didn’t want to read without posting. I hope some good things enter your life very soon–you’re definitely due for them! Lots of hugs as well.
Anonymous
I had a friend diagnosed with a serious lifelong illness and after many stressful years of worry and treatment, it became clear that he had the best possible reaction to treatment and that it ultimately wouldn’t affect his life to the extent originally thought.
I have a different friend who struggled for years with fertility treatments then got diagnosed with late stage breast cancer. Fast forward a couple of years and she is has focused on fitness and health and doing good in the world, she seems much happier than ever before.
I feel you. It’s a lot. Gently, you will have to find new things to look forward to (foster parenting? traveling more or doing an expensive hobby with the income not directed to kids? volunteering?). You are lucky to have a good spouse, job, family and friends but you are also allowed to grieve for the life you thought you’d have.
Anon
I’m sorry that happened – it’s rough. I had some bad things happen and it was really helpful to talk to a friend who had been through some similarly bad stuff for advice. We aren’t super close and didn’t have lots of in-depth conversations but just being around someone whose parents have died was helpful because we’re part of the same terrible club and no matter how people try to emphasize you can’t understand until it happens to you. Are there any support groups you can join or people you can reach out to online?
I think someone on this s!te also recommended a book I found helpful. I think it may be called When Things Fall Apart.
Anon
I’m sorry. I think people who haven’t gone through such hard challenges can find it hard to relate or know what to say, but you definitely shouldn’t feel pressured to put on a happy face constantly. Of course you’re going to feel sad – it’s really heavy stuff to deal with! That’s okay and it takes however long it takes to come to terms with it and to find your own version of happiness.
Anon
I’m so sorry you have had several such hard, hard years, OP. I see how hard that must all be, and how much the pressure you are feeling to be “OK” feels disconnecting. As someone who has also had hard, hard experiences, I remember feeling, and still sometimes feel, that until someone goes through a Real Tough Thing they don’t quite understand it and can’t quite relate to it. BUT many many people DO get it, and you will find a tribe of Tough Stuff People. In the meantime, therapy will help, and I agree that a disease support group and an infertility support group will reduce the loneliness; I might also suggest a grief support group, because I wonder if you are experiencing compounded grief from all of these losses (including family). Tl;Dr I see you. In time, it’s not exactly all better, but I promise it does get a lot easier. Really.
Anon
This is more of a parenting question but I’m asking here in hopes I’ll catch some HR professionals too …
Has anyone looked into taking FMLA to care for/educate a child (age 10) during the time while schools are closed? He did not do especially well in virtual school in the spring — he really needs the engagement of being in the classroom, but it’s just not an option. Our district is basically all virtual until at least December, plus my husband is higher-risk and very uncomfortable with any potential exposure. Both husband and I can work from home, but in the spring we were stretched pretty thin because kiddo always needed help with schoolwork. So the more I think about it, a leave of absence seems like the best idea for our family.
I did some digging, and it seems that the CARES act extended FMLA coverage to include care for children whose schools/daycares are closed, plus companies will get reimbursed for whatever you’re paid during the leave (2/3 of your salary). So I wouldn’t be saddling my (smallish, marketing, ~80 employees) company with a huge financial burden (my Catholic guilt rearing its head).
Are there other issues I’m not thinking of? I haven’t talked to HR yet — still gathering information before I pull the trigger — but school starts in mid-August so the clock is ticking.
anon
Keep in mind that you may be able to take the expanded FMLA on an intermittent basis. Check the DOL questions and answers on the FFCRA for further detail on how that could work. This may be more palatable to your employer.
Anonymous
Cares act expires 12/31/20 so it isn’t a long term solution and 12 weeks goes by quickly so this isn’t a full solution. Your employer might be mad and you might be first in line for a lay-off. Not legal but reality. I still say go for it.
Lots to Learn
You’re right that FMLA now covers time off to care for kids whose schools are closed (and I just confirmed yesterday that virtual = closed in this context). But beware that under the law, you only get 12 weeks off with that pay.
Anon
i know you mentioned that your husband is comfortable with any potential exposure, but if you see above, you might try to find a local high school or college student who themselves is part of a high risk family who is taking covid very seriously to help you out a bit. it is my understanding that virtual school is not expected to take up the whole day. i guess my question is would you take leave to help with your stress level or can you just try to do the minimum for work until someone says something, while also making time to do what you need to do with your kid. there was a discussion along these lines earlier this week on the mom’s page where someone’s daycare closed again after being open for a few weeks and the general consensus was if you are able to still work from home, to keep collecting your paycheck as is until someone says something to you
anon
*2/3 salary up to $200 per day, maximum $12,000.
Are you able to telework? To me, it sounds like this is an exclusion:
Under the FFCRA, an employee qualifies for paid sick time if the employee is unable to work (or unable to telework) due to a need for leave because the employee: (…) is caring for a child whose school or place of care is closed (or child care provider is unavailable) for reasons related to COVID-19.
-Not an HR professional.
OP Anon
Hmmmm. I can telework, and have been since March — and it looks like we will be doing that for the long term. So I see what you’re saying about how that might exclude me, or at least it would make things more complicated.
The thing is, I was making it work in the spring, somehow. My work comes in small chunks, so it wasn’t like I was stopping in the middle of a project each time kiddo needed help — but I did end up working a lot in the evenings and weekends to get things done. I felt like I was doing the bare minimum at work AND my son was getting shorted, in terms of both academic support and interpersonal connection. So I suppose the idea of leave is more about decreasing my stress and helping my family, more than “I can’t do the job at all right now.” Which I suppose makes it my problem to solve, not my company’s.
You’ve all given me some good insights, so thank you … I’ll keep thinking on this.
Never too many shoes...
OP, have you considered just asking your job to allow you to cut back. I have a similar situation (my son has special needs) and was really struggling through Lockdown. My husband and I cut back down to 80% hours and pay and feel much better and less stressed – maybe that’s an option?
Also, I have to ask, if your husband is the one uncomfortable with your son going to school, why is he not the one taking time off work to assist with schooling?
Anonymous
No she’s wrong. You can’t telework if you are needed during work hours to care for a child.
Korvapuusti
It might also only apply to employers over a certain size – Ask a Manager has written on this recently.
AFT
It’s under 500 employees, so weirdly smaller employers have to comply and larger ones don’t.
Anonymous
I think its employers UNDER a certain size (500 employees), because we certainly wouldn’t want the mega greedy super giant corporations to have to treat their employees like people.
Rug pads?
For those with hardwood floors, do you use rug pads? I’ve always just put the rug straight on the floor. I’m wondering if I need to go to the trouble of adding pads or if it really matters.
Anon
I have them under my rugs on top of hardwood floors so the rugs don’t slip around.
anon
Same for me with smaller rugs. I skip the pads for rugs in the living room or bedroom that have heavy furniture on top.
Anon
I don’t use pads. I have those sticky things (too thin to be called a pad) under a couple of them but it seems like they always migrate around and end up showing. I’m ready to throw the sticky things away.
Cat
not if they are anchored by furniture, but for freestanding rugs (like a hallway runner) yes, otherwise it slips when you walk on it – annoying at best, dangerous at worst.
Anonymous
Yes, we have them under our rugs. It helps protect the wood floors and extends the life of the rugs. I’m annoyed with ourselves and our inspector for not lifting our house sellers’ sisel rugs to see the damage they had done to the wood floors since they didn’t have pads down.
Anon
If you’re going to sit on it definitely get a rug pad – it makes it more comfortable.
Anon
I stopped using pads because the ones I had left residue on the floors. I have never heard anyone else have this problem, so maybe the pads I used were low quality, though I think they came from Pottery Barn. I have one rug that tends to move and it’s annoying, but better than the residue.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes I use them because they add a nice cushion underneath (the rugs in our house aren’t plush), but if you do, be sure to use the fiber based ones, not the inexpensive grid ones because they can discolor hardwood floors. Ask me how I know…
Anon
No. We just put wool rugs on the wood.
Anon
Has anyone tried an at-home microneedle roller? I am thinking of trying an inexpensive one to use a couple of time a week. Also would love to know what serum you use following. Thanks!
Anon
I bought one and then started reading about them more (but not just what the marketing says). Staph infection? No thank you. Mine is still in the box.
cookie
Not entirely answering what you asked, but I would be very wary of this. I’ve seen so many horror stories of people not sanitizing them appropriately and developing nasty infections as a result of using contaminated devices, or from pressing too hard and piercing the skin too deeply. For me personally, this is something best left to skilled professionals.
I use almost exclusively Drunk Elephant products: the vitamin C day serum, the glycolic acid night serum, and the Baby Facial mask (when not pregnant like I am now).
cookie
I’ll also add that I spring for a medical grade facial / light chemical peel maybe 4 times a year. By that, I mean a facial at a dermatologist or surgeon’s office, not just one at a day spa. I find the clinical kind more “productive,” if that makes sense, as opposed to the spa kind which tend to be more relaxing.
Anonymous
This is so stupid. Dont poke holes in your face.
anon
omg please don’t. unless you are comfortable that you can sanitize your device to a medical level of sanitation, the chances of infection at home are way too high than I’d be comfortable with. You’re literally puncturing thousands of holes into your face. Just do a strong at home peel (that is made for home use)
Anon
Controversial but IMO a microneedling pen is way better than a roller, and I would never use a roller. After having in-office microneedling treatments done 8+ times I’m comfortable doing it myself and have great results. Check out youtuber Penn Smith for info on this.
Carmen Sandiego
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but why are rollers bad? (I assume you mean facial rollers?) I use one, and it just feels like a nice little massage – I get that it probably isn’t “doing” anything to improve my skin – but is there something actually harmful in using it? When I google it, I’m just seeing that it doesn’t really have many benefits, but not that it’s actively bad, but clearly I want to know if there is something bad about using them!
anon
I assume she means microneedle rollers, which is a roller with tiny needles all over it. As other posters have pointed out, piercing your face with something that is difficult to properly sanitize is begging for a crazy infection. If you’re asking about something like a jade roller, those are totally fine.
Carmen Sandiego
Oh ok – thanks! I feel kinda dumb now; I didn’t realize that there were both pens and rollers for the microneedling! I thought she meant the regular face rollers (obviously)!