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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Ponte Knit Pocket Shift Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Thursday! Ann Taylor has a ton of cute new arrivals (so.much.gingham) and a ton of them are 50% off this morning. I like this ponte knit shift dress which — cue the trumpets! — has pockets AND is machine washable. It's available in sizes XXS-XXL, in regular and petite sizes, and is 50% off today, bringing it down from $129 to $65. Other cute things that caught my eye: this sweater skirt with a stripe down the side, this fit and flare dress, and this gingham skirt with pockets. Pictured: Ponte Knit Pocket Shift Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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283 Comments

  1. PSA the purple Hampton dress featured 2 days ago is on the limited time spring sale at TheFold London online and in-store
    Around 20 items are on sale right now and some of the tops that were sold out are back with more sizes.
    I swear Polly should pay me a commission.

    1. I am SO MAD at whichever one of you bought the last one in UK size 12 while it was actually in my shopping cart.

      1. I’m livid that I paid full price for all my items… le sigh
        And now I have to wait until I fit into them again, but I have an entire capsule wardrobe/makeup/scent combo planned for my revenge body

    2. I have recently tried on both some The Fold and Winser London, and I’ll leave some fit references here. I’m very pleased with the tips to try these that I’ve seen on this page. (And yes, I definitely vote for a commission for Houda! :D)

      The Fold – first of all, very beautifully constructed garments. Lovely look and feel, very well sewn. I really like that they are produced in Europe (gives at least some indication of worker’s conditions). I would have preferred higher wool content (say 98 percent rather than 44) and a different lining material to acetate/poly, but I’m guessing that might have priced the garments out of my reach, with this kind of construction. The woven items are fully lined. The prices online don’t include VAT, so that comes in addition in the UK.

      For reference I’m 5 f 6, busty (28H UK/ 28K US) X-shaped hourglass with high waist and long seat (lower widest point than high shelf-hipped 8-hourglass). Regular length arms and legs, narrow back, curvy thighs. I will normally try a US size 4 first (UK 10 for woven fabrics, 8 for jersey/stretch, 40 in Italian sizing). I use US size 4 (R or P) for woven tops/jackets in Banana and Brooks Bros., but 2 in JCrew (well, I would, if they were shorter and more waist defined).

      For the Fold size 10 is my “top” size for tops and dresses in the woven fabrics. I have just enough space for the bust in a 10. In a dress with pencil skirt, the waist and hips are loose and I would need to have a dress altered on waist, hips and length (prefer above knee to below knee). Size 10 tops worked perfectly. I’ll definitely go back to The Fold!

      The fuller or A-line dresses did not work for me, I sort of drowned, but would look lovely on somebody else, in my case the larger top size meant too much fabric below the bust and hid my waist. I generally find that clothes that are draped to make an hourglass shape look weird on me, though, in all brands.

      For bottoms, I need an UK 8+ at Fold, but the natural waist is still a little big in skirts. I think a pair of unlined size 8 trousers would have worked, but lined no way with full thighs in acetate :D. For skirt, again, too long for my preference, but not at awkward length, just a true under-knee so excellent if you prefer that, and easily altered.I did not try any of the poly draped dresses, so don’t know how those fit.

      For Winser London, I tried on a lot of dresses (sizes 6-12), some in the “Miracle” range, some others. There’s a sale at the House of Fraser in Oxford st (well, was a couple of days ago), if anybody’s in London and want to try. I did not get on with this brand at all, none of the sizes fit, and I had trouble getting in and out of them. The waist would have been fine in a UK 6, but the bust would need a 10/12. The waist was super-low, a good 3 inches below my actual waist, so probably better for long torsoes. On me everything was awkward, with sleeves down to my fingertips in one model (!) and weird ruching and bunching in the wrong places. The fabrics were thick ponte-poly-styles. Their silhouette was very wrong for me, but I think if you actually fit into these you’ll look amazing.

      Didn’t mean to write an essay, oops, but I hope that this is useful for somebody else who’s been curious about these brands.

      1. One totally random point for the Fold that I SO appreciate is that the zipper go almost all the way down the bottom of the blouses. It makes getting in and out of very tightly tailored tops SO MUCH easier. Hurrah!

        1. Oh, yes, agree! It’s so lovely to be able to step into something instead of doing a contortionist’s act!

  2. There have been several discussions about parents giving differential praise/attention/etc and having a favorite child. I’m really curious to hear about this from a parent’s perspective. Or from the perspective of the favored child. I know that kids have different needs and can require different amounts of investment and attention based on their individual situation, but in my experience, I don’t think that comes close to explaining how differential the treatment was. I definitely didn’t expect to have all the same attention or all the same help that my sibling got, but parents did a lot of things that just made me feel like the didn’t care or pay any attention to me at all. And honestly, I don’t think that’s right, but it’s also not totally wrong.

    So any parents feel like they like one kid more or have their kids feel like differential treatment is huge? What’s your perspective?

    1. (Changing some details since this is my main handle) My sibling and I definitely fell into the golden child/scapegoat dichotomy. My sibling was the scapegoat, due to many factors. First, he has a rare disease which requires lots of hospitalizations and ongoing treatment, many of which are difficult for a child to manage. Things like diet and lifestyle choices can also make this particular disease better, but he was unable to maintain it, and I think that led to a lot of resentment all around. Concurrently with the disease, he has severe depression, which to my knowledge he’s had since he was a kid. So overall, the deck was really stacked against him. However, while the circumstances were certainly difficult, he has also struggled enormously with anger issues and dealing with authority (i.e., my parents). So while I don’t condone it, that cocktail led to “Duncan is always a problem and causing problems” and “Veronica is so perfect.” But I think what gets me is that while being the golden child may be better than being the scapegoat, it comes with a host of problems. I felt enormous pressure to maintain being “perfect” and a “non-problem” status, to the point that I developed extreme anxiety and perfectionism, and any/all of my challenges were just swept under the rug, because I wasn’t allowed to complain/have problems/need help from my parents. So, all in all, I don’t know what to make of it beyond healing myself, forgiving my parents, and doing my best to patch things up with my sibling. It’s really sad, because before he became ill, he was really the star kid and super smart, but he just deteriorated mentally and physically and I don’t know if he’ll ever be a productive adult, or if that’s even a reasonable standard given the health limitations he has now.

      1. This sounds a lot like the dynamic between my mom and her older brother. She became the “perfect” child in response to the he11 my brother put my grandparents through — and to this day, their relationship isn’t great and Mom is a perfectionist to the extreme. I’ve often wished my mom would go to therapy to address her underlying issues with anxiety and perfection. (Because guess what? She passed that on to me and my sisters, and now we’re dealing with our own anxiety and perfection issues. Such a vicious cycle).

        I’m trying VERY HARD to keep all this in mind with my own kids. Older kiddo has ADHD and is … a handful, to put it mildly. He needs more of everything. It’s exhausting, to be frank. DD is naturally more easygoing. It is really hard to balance both kids’ needs and make sure DD isn’t inadvertently getting less of us. It’s hard. So, so hard.

        1. They’ll thank you for thinking about it, I promise, even if you don’t get it right.

        2. I agree, it’s super hard. The worst thing with anxiety is that it’s hard to recognize you have anxiety unless you’re having major panic attack/breakdowns. Otherwise, it’s incredible insidious. It just feels normal and justified. And of course, I’ve fallen into that trap of, “I’m not a perfectionist I just have high standards.” It’s hard. I’m sorry to hear about your Mom.
          For your own kids, some of the biggest things I remember helping were things that weren’t terribly expensive–having quality 1:1 time with a parent went a long way to make me feel like I was also being taken care of (going to a movie, getting ice cream, etc.). And also balancing out the “extras” that the squeaky wheel kid gets. Like, all the gifts upon gifts my sibling would get, it was nice when I would get something small too (like a stuffed animal or a book). I mean obviously, the other kid needs it more, but as a child you’re not really able to rationalize and understand it, it just feels unfair. Even now, I think my parents try to be more equal with us. My brother has his rent paid for, and most of his living expenses, which is annoying, but they paid for my wedding, so. I also try to remind myself that I’m not entitled to anything. It’s their money, they can donate it all to the ASPCA if they want. Just because my brother gets something doesn’t mean I’m owed anything.

          1. Also, one last thing. There are also some really great charities out there that offer summer camps for the SIBLINGS of children with special needs or cancer. (And many charities for children with illnesses also allow siblings to attend). It’s a lovely sentiment that something like cancer affects the whole family and really recognizing that everyone is hurting in their own way.

    2. From my older sister’s perspective, I am that favoured child. From the perspective of my parents, she was/is a horror show. I got to live with them for a year after grad school. She wasn’t allowed to live with them after failing out of college (with a sub-1.0 GPA), because she lies pathologically, enjoys hurting people, did huge amounts of drugs, stole money, wantonly hit people and occasionally makes death threats, etc.

      In her mind, “Rachel gets to live at home after grad school, but I don’t get to live at home after flunking of college due to prolific drug use” is somehow evidence of her being the victim.

      The irony is that they went really far out of their way to treat everyone equally.

    3. I was (am?) the favorite child and did everything that you were supposed to do/had a pretty traditional life trajectory. However, the downside of being the FC is that the expectations on me are RIDICULOUS. I’m supposed to be “perfect” (ahahahahaha!) and dutiful and basically not have any boundaries or feelings. This is obviously not great. I’m definitely trying to keep this in mind with my own three kids. My husband is the youngest of two and is the non-favorite, and as such he often asks a lot of our eldest. I remind him that she’s not a little grown-up, and she and I commiserate about the ups and downs of being the oldest in the family. It’s a balance for sure.

    4. My older brother definitely thinks I’m the favorite, so I guess I can speak from that perspective. He’s almost 20 years older so I think there are a couple of things going on here. First, our parents were in a very different place when they had me vs. him. They were still in school when he was born, and then they were struggling to get their careers started and to balance child rearing in the 60s and 70s when it wasn’t exactly normal to have both parents working, especially not in rural areas. Twenty years later things were a lot different. They were more established so there was more money to go around and their work schedules were more flexible. There were more extracurriculars that didn’t essentially require a SAHM. There’s no question that I had it a lot better in terms of resources. That sucks for my brother, and I totally hear his complaints, but at the same time I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect our parents to raise me like they’re still starving students for the sake of equality between siblings. But what do I know, I’m just a spoiled brat.

      Second, because my brother was a young adult by the time I came along, he had a very different view on parenting than you get when you’re a kid living in the home. Everything your toddler sister does is bratty and omg why can’t you make her stop screaming. Every prom dress your teenaged sister wants is a ridiculous expenditure – why can’t she just wear one of her church dresses and call it a day. Fwiw now that he’s a parent I think he’s softened a little in his judgment of them (and me). I wish he’d had a daughter, though, he still thinks my clothing choices are ridiculous (why do you need more than one dress? just wear suits!).

    5. My grandmother treated her children terribly unequally, and I’m the daighter of the black sheep . For those of you wondering how it will affect your children, I’m continually grateful she only had slight influence on my life- while my cousins grew up literally down the street from her. They have constant contact, and she constantly manipulates and favors some of them over others.

    6. I guess what I don’t get about these responses is that they’re all stories of parents favoring the more responsible, considerate etc etc child. My experience has been the total opposite (with my mom, I don’t have kids) and I just don’t get why you would un-favor the one who has her sh*t together and is a good person.

      I’m not super emotionally accessible but I am kind and thoughtful. Maybe that’s why. Mom recently told me that she never knows what I’m thinking and it’s basically impossible to know how I feel or what I need because I don’t show it, I just take care of things. I just don’t talk about my feelings much unless there’s a particular need. Sibling does all those things outwardly, but she’s not very emotionally honest. She just delivers what she knows what people want. Maybe that’s the problem

      1. I had my sh*t together and all that meant was that didn’t need help, didn’t get any, and that also meant I never got any attention of any kind ever (starting when my sib had to repeat K, which meant I was in third grade). S*cks.

      2. This is my situation. Eldest of five, the most traditional, stable life. I asked for help recently. I offered to fly my mother to us to help me with a deathly ill pregnancy that was expected to end in the third miscarriage in six months. I was told my tantrum throwing sister and the rest of the family needed her more. Less significant versions happen all the time. My husband is about to deploy unexpectedly leaving me with three kids plus a newborn. I will probably not be extended any of the gestures or care my siblings have been over the past year for less trying situations. I will always persevere. She knows it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

        1. I’m so sorry. Just wanted to say that you are AMAZING for handling all of this on your own. Can you reach out to friends for help, or get a nanny assuming you don’t have one now?

          Sending you all the hugs and moral support.

          1. Thank you! That is so kind of you. I will throw some money at the problem and gin up some childcare (I’ll be on mat leave the time he gone). I will be okay.

      3. FWIW, it’s helpful to take your parent’s own personality’s and flaws into account. I am not the favored child largely because I’m independent/have my stuff together and generally don’t need help/$$/support. Doesn’t make any sense until I realized my mother (and her mother, in fairness) are classic narcissists and my dad accommodates. They thrive by being ‘needed’ the ‘savior’ and showing off all the work they do/put into things and people. I was great when I was ‘their’ achievement in school, not so much once I launched early and separated.

      4. It’s also hard because we’re all looking back with 20+ years of perspective. I’m positive that before my brother fell ill, he was more favored than me, or we were about equal. Once they dynamic starts, it spirals. So it’s not surprising that the kids that were yelled at less//got more parental praise and support turn out better.

      5. Yeah, I was surprised by that too. My mom’s most favored definitely has the least of his sh*r together. He’s 30+ and recently had to have a medical procedure while my parents were out of town. They called my husband, on my brother’s behalf, to see if husband could drive him to the hospital and bring him home, and like, buy groceries and such for my brother while he was recuperating. (My husband said yes, of course — they’re pals — but the fact that my parents made the arrangements for my adult brother was telling of how they treat him.) Then again, said brother often complains that we still treat him like the wild teenager he was, and don’t recognize the areas in which he does have his act together.

    7. This one of several reasons why we decided not to have a second child. Most of my friends have two kids and in almost all the families there is definitely an “easy” child and a “difficult” child. Even if the difficult kid isn’t really all that difficult, whichever kid is more stubborn gets labeled as the “difficult” child, and the difficult child tends to get a lot more parental time and attention, because they need it more than the easy child. We had the easy kid the first go round, and the idea of having a second child who would potentially take a large percentage of our attention away from our first kid (permanently, not just during the baby/toddler years) was not very appealing. I’m not trying to imply that my friends love their kids any differently but when you have one high needs child and one low needs child, it’s hard not to focus your time and attention on the high needs child, if for no other reason than it makes life for everyone a lot smoother.

      1. I sort of hear you and yet I feel that this is maybe also something that gets easier with more children (we have 3). One is left-handed. One wet the bed and didn’t grow out of it and one has some aspy tendencies and one is very tall and one is relatively chubby and one is good at art and one likes Pokemon and one likes to sing and on and on.

        I have friends with an only and their social media is all BrilliantKid all the time and it will be a day the world stops when BrilliantKid is just a regular kid (but he is in the most accellerated classes in the county!) and not their brand. A second kid would have really normalized the whole family (either by also bring BrilliantKid but slugging his brother for being so obnoxiously fawned over or by being just a regular kid who is also deserving of love and attention).

        TL;DR: most people love their kids but people can f*ck up their kids in all sorts of ways and that has a very long tail; all types of families also manage to be normal

        1. I agree with you that having 3 or more probably mitigates some of the easy vs. difficult labeling, but 3 was out of the question for us for reasons unrelated to family dynamics. Obviously every family is different, but I’m not sure a second kid would necessarily make the Brilliant Kid family better. I’ve seen a lot of families (including my husband’s and my mother’s) with two kids where the first kid was Brilliant Kid and while having a more normal second kid may have made the family slightly less insufferable to outsiders, life was absolutely horrible for the second kid because they could never live up to first kid’s academic achievements. Both second kids were of above average intelligence, but really spiraled and never lived up to anything close to their potential because they weren’t super geniuses like the first kid. In both cases, I believe the parents tried really hard not to compare the kids, but the dynamic is still there and second kid felt pressure they couldn’t live up to.

          1. I knew a family where there was Brilliant Kid and other kid. Other kid is by far the more successful adult (good people person, made a killing selling cars and now has his own dealership) whereas the other kid just butts heads and no one ever told him he was wrong growing up, so the problem is with all of the other people.

      2. I’m glad you posted this response. My husband and I have an only child and this is exactly our experience and mindset.

        1. Ha — I had a second before I really knew what I was in for with the first. And the first was so young when we had the second she doesn’t remember being an only or that we now weren’t focusing solely on her needs (which I think would have been unhealthy for all of us).

      3. I am an only child with an only child, so I cannot really speak on the subject as rendered. But I will say that when my son’s needs started to become more obvious it was a big part of why we decided against a second child – we knew that they would always get less attention in comparison because of his needs and we did not want our second child to think that the only reason we had them was to look after our son when we were old/gone.

    8. I don’t know if I’m the favorite child, but I’m a lot younger than my 2 brothers, so there were a lot of complaints from them growing up that I “got away with everything”. In some ways, I see their side. My parents had a baby when my brothers were in high school, so they didn’t have as much time for them. On the flip side, they had a lot more freedom compared to me, when my parents had all the attention focused on me from age 7+ because I was the only child at home and I thought they were too controlling. Post college, I stayed in the same state, and even bought a house 15 minutes away from my parents, where my brothers live across the country. My parents do a lot more for me, but I’m physically closer and spend more time with them. There’s also the different dynamic between a daughter vs sons. I had some guilt because my parents gave my brothers a flat amount for their wedding, but spent 3x on mine, but my parents said it’s their cultural tradition and not to worry about it. I don’t have any issues with my siblings, but it’s not like we’re very close because of the age gap.

    9. My own parents were very, very careful to treat my sister and I similarly, to give us similar praise/support, and to show no preference. We are now both in our late 20’s and this hasn’t changed. My parents do not talk to me about my sister except in the vaguest of terms – they basically will say nothing about her rather than share information or express an opinion. I assume they say as little to my sister about me. (Obviously, we are not a super close family.) This approach works for me, it always seemed fair, and it didn’t lead to resentment between my sis and I. As a more fully formed adult, I suspect my dad preferred me as a child (I’m like a mini-clone), while my mom preferred my sister.

      My SO’s parents had obvious, expressed preferences among their three children and treated them very differently. My SO is the oldest, the only boy, and the most traditionally successful of the group so far. His dad had a clear and obvious preference for him. His mom greatly preferred his older sister. There is huge dysfunction and resentment as a result. SO avoids contact with siblings and parents. Hard to tell whether the obvious preference made the family dysfunctional, or if a dysfunctional family led to obvious preferences. Either way, it is very weird and uncomfortable to view/observe that family dynamic.

      1. There was an episode of This Is Us in which Kevin and Kate are accusing their mom of favoring Randall. Mom sort of explodes and says “He was just . . easier!” This rang so, so true for me as a mother of three. Two of mine accuse me of favoring the other. I love them all fiercely and would lay down my life for any of them. But one is just . . . easier. I try to be very, very aware of how this affects my behavior.

    10. There is a chapter in the book 30 Lessons for Living about this topic.
      My husband is one of 3 and his parents have done a really good job of loving their kids all very much without showing favoritism. It’s hard to tell which child is their “favorite” as they have lots of good things to say about all of them, and are also very honest about the challenges of parenting each of them.
      I hope I am able to do the same with my 3. My third baby is my easy baby- an absolute dream to take care of, so easy and smiley and cooperative. I can feel my favoritism going in that direction, so I make conscious efforts to spend time with each of my children and think about the 5 Love Languages and how I can love them best in the ways they want to be loved. My oldest is a leader, incredibly responsible, funny, confident, and caring. My second is so joyful, happy, fun, and observant. My third is a little dreamer.

    11. I grew up in a family with 4 kids where there was definitely an order of favoritism that was readily apparent from my earliest memories. I always knew where on the ladder I fell and was determined when I had my own kids that I wouldn’t favor one of them over the other.

      I’m 11 years into this parenting thing now and am eating my words. It is HARD not to instinctively favor our younger son over his brother. My older son has a host of issues (he’s been diagnosed at various time with depression, anxiety, ADHD, ODD, dysgraphia, and now the latest is BPD – though they’re loathe to diagnose in children). He’s been hospitalized, on medication, in behavioral and occupational therapy, etc. for 4 years now, and it is exhausting. His moods are all over the place. He flies off the handle when he loses or doesn’t do well in a game. He goes from making A+’s in school to getting 0s on his assignments. He’s been asked to leave one school and has been suspended at least once from another. We’ve spent untold hours in meetings and sessions and appointments, as well as tens of thousands of dollars on doctors, therapists, tutors and experts. Helping him eats up our time, energy and money — not to mention the worry and stress we have over him.

      Comparatively, his brother is happy, has stable friendships, does well in school, doesn’t get into trouble, and generally goes with the flow. He’s simply more enjoyable to spend time with and talk to. So, my relationship with each of them is fundamentally different.

      My older son picks up on this, of course, and frequently tells us that we don’t love him or that we love his brother more. It’s heartbreaking and difficult, because I understand why he feels that way. And, honestly, I sometimes think it is true. Which triggers more guilt and thoughts that we’re not doing enough. But I also consider little bro’s perspective – which is that he sees his parents spending most of their time with his brother and does that make him feel like we love him less?

      Suffice it to say, parenting is ridiculously hard and we all deserve a little grace and forgiveness along the way.

      1. I feel you on this. We have a similar dynamic, except I have three kids, with a fairly large age gap between the older two (one of whom is my ADHD/ODD kid) and the youngest (who is also the easiest kid ever). So there are the difficulties you describe, as well as the dynamic of the youngest child who is kind of spoiled. And then my poor middle child–she is a wonderfully adaptable girl who is turning into a people pleaser, I suspect, because of our family dynamic. We try–really, really, really hard. I hope all our kids see that we tried.

    12. I’m in the unlucky position of being the “favored” child. I’m the middle child with an older sibling and younger sibling, both of which had their share of moments with my parents. My older sibling was unfortunately born at a time where my parents just weren’t well off or able to give more. They had a difficult time during their teenage years but ended up fine and happily have a family of their own. They did get help and attention as an adult but they’ve admitted to me that they always felt I got “more,” in terms of moral support for school, advice, etc.

      The younger sibling is a different story. From my POV, they were widely favored both as a child, teenager, and adult. Their rent was paid during college, did not have the same amount of pressure to perform well in school as I did, were allowed more freedom, and have been given all manner of financial support as an adult. Yet, they insist that I am the favored one for some reason.

      I don’t see it that way, obviously, but I do see that my parents tend to thank me all the time for not being difficult or making their lives hell the way my younger sibling does. The younger sibling picks up on that and is pretty resentful of any success I have. I stay away from them now and honestly, couldn’t be happier.

  3. I am a walking commuter and am getting increasingly concerned about the amount of people who seem utterly disconnected from the world around them. Folks from all walks of life have their heads down looking at their screen and their airpods firmly planted in their ears.
    What do you all think about this? Is it the modern “zombie” apocalypse or just the progress of tech?

    1. This has been happening for more than a decade thanks to the iPod… whatever. It annoys me when an oblivious person is hard to avoid or pass due to their distraction, and can be a safety issue, but it’s their choice.

      1. There was a girl that was hit and killed while running here a couple years ago. She ran in front of a truck. She had earbuds in and was listening to her iPod. Never noticed the truck and ran right in front of it. It was really tragic and the truck driver was absolutely traumatized. He did everything he could to stop, but couldn’t. People really need to be aware of their surroundings when they’re out walking or running and wearing earbuds definitely distracts. That poor girl is proof.

    2. I read that pedestrian-auto accidents are up. I am terrified that someone playing Fortnight is going to walk right into the path of my car.

        1. +1 yes drivers on phones is also extremely dangerous, however there are already loads of laws against using phones while driving. There are very few cities that ban “texting while walking”, I think Honolulu is one of the only that I know of with a cellphone ban in crosswalks… Just food for thought

        2. I has much, much more to do with drivers on their phones than pedestrians, for sure.

    3. It’s so weird to me. And no one under 30 seems to have good posture; they are all humped over looking at their small screens, even when walking.

    4. I am irrationally angered by this (really, I know it’s irrational). It just seems so… dismissive… of your fellow humans. I see people who can’t walk from the garage to our building (it is a big garage) without having their heads buried in their phones. Or people who can’t go to the bathroom without their phone. Can’t you be alone with your thoughts for 2 minutes?? I mean seriously, no one is SO important that they can’t be away from their phone for the time it takes to pee.

      I mean, look at the world around you once in a while! The one thing I am grateful for is that burying themselves in their phones means I don’t have to make idle chitchat with people, but it’s still just so irrationally angering to me to see so many people completely oblivious to the fact that there is a whole world out there and there are other people in it.

      1. Yep! This is exactly my feeling about it. DC is quite heavily segregated- both racially and economic status (although they do go hand-in-hand); the airpod/smartphone combo seems extremely dismissive and rude of people around you.
        I’ve been trying to cut back on my “irrational” anger on the issue, but its really starting to scare me how little people interact on a day to day level.

      2. I am firmly team headphones, although I don’t normally look at my phone when walking around. You said yourself that it’s a good way to avoid making idle chitchat. It also works for tuning out catcalling, traffic noises, and between the office and family life, the commute is a prime time to decompress with a good podcast.

    5. It’s really depressing. It’s also dangerous. When I bike commute on a multi-use trail and call out “on your left” loudly and clearly, sometimes multiple times, the person ahead of me is wearing headphones or playing with their phone nine times out of ten and doesn’t hear me.

      I am at the point where I would drop a friend who kept texting other people or checking social media while we were together. It’s not only rude, it means you’re a boring person who doesn’t know how to engage with actual humans.

    6. I was almost hit on my bike yesterday by a pedestrian who stepped off the curb while looking down at his phone. There was no indication at all that he was about to walk into the street (it wasn’t a crosswalk, he wasn’t standing waiting to cross, etc.). Very near miss and made me very aware of the need to be attentive when I’m walking (I’m a walking commuter too).

      1. Don’t you mean you almost hit a pedestrian? Even if you had the right of way, a bike hits a pedestrian, not the other way around. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t at fault.

        1. I think this is technically correct (unless maybe you are in a comparative negligence jurisdiction) but it probably doesn’t capture the encounter fully. I’m both a bike and walking commuter at different times of the year. I don’t typically walk and look at my phone, but I can still be a space cadet while walking. I recall one occasion where I was thinking about a work thing and decided to cross in the middle of the block and stepped into the bike lane without looking at all. I was nearly flattened by a bike but it was entirely my fault. We were both very lucky to avoid serious injury and I apologized profusely.

        3. No, he actually would have hit me (side of the bike) if the person next to him hadn’t yanked him back. Super weird, and only possible because I was going at a low speed due to traffic.

    7. I walk with no phone, no earphones nothing. Now that the weather is much better, I like going through a park on my way home and I feel less agitated by the time I make it to my place.
      I do get annoyed when people dive into their device walking fast in a straight line with the expectation that it is on you to do everything possible to avoid bumping into them. It is terribly inconsiderate.

    8. I’m also a walking commuter and always walk with headphones in to listen to music/podcasts, but generally try to avoid walking while also looking at my phone, particularly when crossing the street.

    9. I commute by car, and am always blown away by the folks who don’t look up from their phone as they walk to the office garage elevator, ride the elevator, walk across the lobby and get into the second elevator. Are they afraid of the tiniest bit of contact with an actual human? So weird.

      1. My office is similar. Its a rare occurrence when someone looks up from their phone while walking through the building.

    10. I bike commute sometimes and the scary part isn’t on the road – it’s winding through campus. Everybody has earbuds in and few people can walk in anything close to a straight line (or they’re 4 abreast). I’m starting to think “pedestrian etiquette & safety” should be something taught in orientation.

    11. funniest story of this–I have a street in front of my apt that is closed off to traffic that isn’t official business. yesterday, I was waiting to cross the street when I had to wait for this lady who was walking down the street with airpods in her ear, as a city bus inched along behind her… no honking, just waiting for her to get out of the street (and she didn’t !), the bus driver saw me watching this play out and he just shrugged and laughed it off.

  4. My two kids have different needs (1st grader vs. 3 1/2), so they get different care. And there are times that I’d prefer to be in the same room with one vs the other due to behavior from that child. But I love them both to pieces. They are each amazing in their own separate ways. I do not have a favorite child whatsoever.

    Now, my kids definitely have a favorite parent. And it’s not me. Being the less favored parent when you’re the mom and so many of the other families around you have the mom as the favored parent can also mess you up in the head.

    1. This is me! It’s gotten a bit more even lately, but my 3 year old preferred my husband (and maybe still does a tiny bit) for a long while, and it’s really hard as the mother to accept that.

  5. A few of you mentioned cheap “night boots” from Amazon as being great for PF. I reread the comments and searched Amazon. Which specific style is best, in your experience?

    1. I can’t remember – have you seen your podiatrist? My podiatrist gave me a boot to sleep in at night, and I love it, and also the customized orthotics that cost $400 but I’ve worn literally every day for the past 5 years.

      1. OP; I already have the orthotics, they don’t do much. Some readers had a similar experience and said the boot was the only thing that worked. I can’t cherry pick my health care provider because I am in the military and have exhausted all official options.

    2. OP; I already have the orthotics, they don’t do much. Some readers had a similar experience and said the boot was the only thing that worked. I can’t cherry pick my health care provider because I am in the military and have exhausted all official options.

  6. No time to search past comments, thanks in advance. What would you wear to an interview for an in-house regulatory counsel role that will be conducted over a Skype-like program? I have a suit that is grey with black specks and a black suit. I am leaning toward the grey with a white silk shell underneath.

    1. Do a test run with a friend to see how the gray suit looks on camera. Sometimes webcams can make patterns look strange.

    3. Don’t stress about it, it’s almost impossible to see what people have on in Skype calls. I’d play more with the camera angle to avoid the up the nose shot/ eyes in strange places, but even that’s unavoidable.

  7. Ladies, hit me with your best communication tips for having a Talk with your spouse. (Senior Attorney, I feel like you have wisdom to impart here :) )

    We keep having the same disagreements over and over and over again, and we’d like to discuss them this weekend and try to come to some solutions. (Thankfully, the disagreements aren’t about Big Issues, but rather more mundane things like how we spend our weekend time and where we live (the specific rental house).)

    Thanks!

    1. I do best by chatting when we are out walking rather than setting up a confrontational situation in the living room. I have also learned to ask why he wants something and not jump to conclusions about it. Then try out compromises.

      1. I agree with these two commentators about walking… sometimes I also bring up items over dinner )(we generally eat dinner together on weeknights and have a “no phones” rule, so it is a great time to talk about things like that). It took me a while to learn this, but telling my husband that I wanted to talk about upcoming dates/life events/nailing down details of things was extremely off putting to him and came across as very confrontational, so he would shut down, I would get frustrated. As I write this, I am thinking to myself, “of course he felt that way!” even though I just wanted to nail down the final list of people to invite for Passover and talk generally about a menu, or talk in broad strokes about a vacation for the following year (general region of the world and what month). So, I’d bring something up when it can be the two of you, but you’re already doing something else – walking, eating dinner, etc.

    2. FWIW, my husband and I do our best joint decisionmaking when we’re outside walking next to each other. Something about the physical movement and not sitting there staring at each other helps. And then we’re also not distracted by the TV, or that dish that needs doing, or a chirping phone…

      1. That’s also a great suggestion. A walk in the park is a great way to have these conversations!

    3. In my experience, having the same disagreements over and over again is a sign of misunderstanding (at least if it’s not Big Issues). So, kind of corny but it really does make a big difference: you explain what you’re thinking/feeling and he has to be able to say it back to you in his own words to make sure he understands, and vice versa. We’ve also found that it helps a lot to make sure that neither of us is hungry or inordinately tired, and to sit on the couch so we can touch but also see each other’s faces and body language (usually we hold hands).

      Or it’s a sign that one or both of you has some larger reason why you can’t resolve the issue, like I was really frustrated that Mr Lana wasn’t pulling his weight housework-wise and it made me feel like he didn’t care about how it affected me, but it turned out he was having a lot of trouble getting anything done because he was depressed. So keep an eye out for things like that.

    4. You may think I’m crazy for suggesting this, but you’re saying that these things are mundane, but they’re really not. They are about lifestyle choices and how you communicate and even how you handle disagreement. If you can’t do it on your own, work with a therapist. A third party should be able to help you figure out how to talk through the things that you’re disagreeing about and way, and more importantly, how you deal with conflict together.

      1. I agree with others that these issues seem pretty big to me. Also if you are having the same arguments over and over, it may be because these issues are what Dr. Gottman calls Perpetual Problems: https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/ A session or two of counseling might be a big help.

        That said, in our house we have a special place where we have our Important Talks. If I say “I need to go sit in The Important Talk Room,” then Lovely Husband knows something is up. And also it has kind of evolved into a lighthearted routine rather than an “uh oh” kind of thing, which is a hazard when somebody says they want to have a talk. I think generally people do better with some kind of warning, rather than just having The Talk sprung on them. So whether you do it on a walk or over dinner, or in The Relationship Chairs, it’s good to give some advance warning: “Hey, can we take a walk tonight and talk about XYZ things?”

        Sometimes I even write a list so I don’t get distracted.

        Also if one of you gets emotionally flooded, take a break and try again later. (Like, hours later. It takes a while to recover when you get overwhelmed like that.) https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship/

        Good luck!!

    5. Every time I’ve had a series of seemingly mundane disagreements with an SO it’s because there’s a Big Issue lurking somewhere in there. Particularly with things where the guy is digging his heels in and refuses reasonable compromises. Like, he wants to go out partying all night Friday night and I want to chill at home. No other compromise will do – we can’t go out Saturday night instead, we can’t go to happy hour and then go home on Friday, he can’t go by himself, I can’t join for an hour or two and go home when I’m over it. Really he feels rejected that I don’t want to go out with him, thinks I don’t like his friends, and I’m not meeting his needs in the relationship because (in my mind) actually he just wants a woman to be an accessory to his life and not have her own needs and preferences.

      This might sound pretty specific, but I could list a dozen other “mundane” disagreements with a handful of other guys and the pattern is the same. If you’re consistently having the same disagreement then there’s something more to it and you’ll need to figure out what that is if you’re going to find a solution.

      1. Same!! If something like that keeps coming up, it’s a symptom, not the cause! Once you figure out what the cause is, it’s going to feel so obvious in hindsight.

    6. Inspired by the walk comments above, if you can’t go for a walk for whatever reason, a longish easy drive sometimes works too. I used to be able to talk to my parents about hard things only while driving (usually in rush hour traffic on the way to school). I saw an article years later about that exact phenomenon. Not having to feel forced eye contact because you’re both looking forward takes some of the confrontation out.

    7. Maybe this is just the dynamic I have with my spouse but we both come prepared with our viewpoints already hashed out and that’s helped. Too often I’ve said “let’s discuss X” and I mean it as a more of a brainstorming meeting to discuss and evaluate options and he just wants to get from A to Z and talk about executing the best option, which I don’t see as the best option because I haven’t thought about it enough. For example, if you’re talking housing, I’d do a little research in advance of what your market is like and some price points if you’re suggesting buying/selling/renting elsewhere that we you aren’t discussing hypotheticals but real facts and figures. Another example, maybe come forth with a solution to how you want to spend your weekends and know what you’re comfortable with compromising on rather than trying to discover your boundaries in the midst of a disagreement. I’d also think about assessing if your disagreements are about you both expressing different feelings on the matter or actually different intellectual/political/ideological viewpoints and recognizing how much of your discussion needs to be dedicated to either camp to feel satisfied in coming to a compromise/solution/answer. You may have a totally different dynamic and none of this applies to you but this is the wisdom I’ve learned so far!

    8. Make sure you’re both decently rested and have eaten/aren’t thirsty. I can’t even count the number of times where DH and I haven’t had productive conversations because of one of these issues is making someone cranky and irritable. Also, at least for us, you both have to be ready to talk about the issues in a reasonable way. If someone is still emotional about the issues and not able to talk about them from a practical standpoint, then we just have to table the discussion for another time. Which is irritating in itself, but better than talking, blowing up, and then being in a fight about being in a fight.

  8. PSA: 50% off all sale at Anthro right now (final sale, no returns).

    Also, I need to put in a plug here for Impress Press On Nails (I KNOW). I tried them on the recommendation of a friend because I don’t have the time or money for constant gel manicures and guys, I think I’m in love. I’ve had three people compliment me this week about my nails and all of them were floored when I told them I was wearing press-ons. You can clip or file them as short as you want so they look super-natural, and it took me all of 10-15 minutes to apply them. I’m on Day 4 of wear and none are loose or popping off (I think average wear time is 7 days) — and I’ve done dishes, showered, and bathed my kids with them on. I’ve also heard good things about the Kiss nail brand and am going to try those next. All of these are available at Target and Walgreens (no, not paid by them, just genuinely stunned at how far press on nails have come in two decades!).

    1. OK, someone tell me to walk away from the Tosia Gingham dress. It’s HIDEOUS, but it’s also kind of not? It’s giving me major Scarlett O’Hara Gone with the Wind vibes and I’m considering it for a summer wedding.

      3. It’s a casual fabric in a formal gown, which I think makes it a really narrow window of wearing. It’s going to be over the top for most summer weddings (that aren’t black tie) and you get a “trying to out do the bride” vibe, but is going to seem a little casual for something that is formal/black tie because of the gingham print.

        Honestly, I think it would have been better as a tea length and not full length.

        (But yes, it’s gorgeous. I just don’t know where you’d actually wear it)

        1. That’s a good point. I dismissed the “outdoing the bride” idea due to its resemblance to a picnic blanket, but that’s a good point. I think it’d be perfect for more church/charity events in the south, but it is a little over the top with the shape. I may need to just grab it on ebay and be happy if I can wear it once or twice. OMG I can just imagine it with a fabulous hat. (If only I owned such a hat).

        2. +1 this whole comment. It’s gorgeous but I have no idea how a real human being would wear it.

        3. I also love it, and think it screams Kentucky Derby or Royal Ascot or Melbourne Cup, and would look fabulous with a matching hat/fascinator. Just don’t spill your mint julep/pimm’s cup on it!

          1. Yes, I also thought Kentucky Derby! Although it feels kind of formal for daytime, being floor length and all. Is there a Derby gala?

          2. All of Lexington turns into a giant party for the weekend, I’m sure you could find a country club fête or somewhere to wear it. ;)

      4. I mean, I think it’s actually kind of gorgeous? Assuming you have an event where it won’t be too much.

      5. Oooh I love it too, but since I am not a fancy society lady who has spring galas to attend, it’s not for my life…

      6. I struggle to imagine a wedding that I’m invited to where this would work for the reasons others have noted, but I would 100% wear it to the black-tie spring benefit for our local Botanical Garden or park conservancy.

    2. Oh why did you bring this to my attention, I love it too! But even on sale, it’s still a bit outside my price range, and it’s not a very practical dress. I’m actually thinking it might work (might!) for the two weddings I’m attending this summer though, since they’re both barn weddings with chill, outdoorsy couples, and with my recent weight loss I may need to buy a new dress for said weddings . . . but I’m still probably not gonna buy this one.

      I do like that gingham seems to be “in” this season, since I think it’s really cute!

      1. Nesting fail! Gahhh I meant to reply to the comment about the Tosia dress . . . sorry we’re hijacking this thread . . .

    3. Intrigued about the nails! You say press-ons and I think of my friend in elementary school whose mom put them on her to get her to stop biting her nails. (Yeah, French tips were quite a look for a fifth grader haha.)

      1. So many people have been talking about the impress nails. I might have to try them!

        1. I am actually wearing the Kiss press-ons today and I’m liking them so far. They look natural enough and certainly better than how my own nails look right now.

  9. Years ago I watched one GOT episode and it seemed to be a lot of random butchery and nekkidness. I knew it was loosely based on the Wars of the Roses, but seemed a little bit too Vegas meets ultimate cage fighting meets bad Ren Fest. Pass.

    Then, cue the stars aligning: weird law firm politics meets article about how the author of GOT was obsessed with “what does it mean to rule” when people are just difficult creatures to deal with? And I am so, so, so sold.

    I watched the premiere and now the first episode and half of the second. I want to wash some characters’ hair (it seems so oily! but some characters always have good hair). It is very dense viewing (to the point of having wikipedia up when I watch it). But it will be worth it, no?

    [I’m OK with ultraviolent TV generally — Sons of Anarchy, the Wire, Breaking Bad. The parallels to law firm politics is what has really hooked me.]

      1. What does “don’t be a spoiler” mean here? Esp. for someone who has never watched GOT (but has been out forever, along with the books).

        Now I’m curious about the show. Nasty politics that isn’t current and about my actual workplace might be cathartic.

        1. I’m not sure why nona is worried about spoilers. OP didn’t say anything that might be considered a spoiler. Greasy hair is not a plot point (as far as I can remember…fans get pretty tangled up in odd details sometimes).

          1. I think if someone is chatting about GOT Season 1 the statute of limitations has surely run by now about spoilers from that. And I didn’t see any spoilers about the current season — hair has been grungy throughout the show as far as I can tell. I don’t watch very intently though — I can keep tell the female characters apart but the men seem pretty fungible except for a few of them. There are way too many characters though (despite the body count) and I can spell exactly none of their names — too many random additional vowels.

      2. The show is on season 8 and OP just started the first two episodes. I don’t think she’s going to spoil anything.

    2. I hope you’re okay with rape then too. The rapes in it is the reason I won’t watch.

      1. And because you don’t watch, you’re not seeing how the story lines have played out. I actually find the show one of the best in its portrayal of strong women. The female leads are shown as not just being smarter than those around them but stronger for overcoming obstacles. Folks who have crossed them usually get their due, either at the women’s hands directly or due to their own hubris. I get tired of the talk of rape or of nakedness so much–to whittle it down to that is completely ignoring the other 95 percent of the positive that goes on. I can’t think of any show that’s nearly so popular with the women being “the hero.” Even when females are a part of the cast (like Walking Dead, they rarely are portrayed in such a way that they get the main storyline–too often they’re playing sidekick.) Also, the nakedness (about 2 percent of the show if that) seems to be pretty equal between male and female, at least in the later seasons. I also think that gets overlooked when folks want to paint the show with the broad brush of being anti-female somehow.

        1. Sorry but I don’t support shows that use rape to prod character and plot development along. Full stop.

        2. Yeah, Life-changing rape experience empowers woman to reach for the stars. So inspiring.

          1. And you’ve never watched a detective show where someone was murdered? Or a movie where someone was kidnapped? Or a TV show with car crashes? Man, the sanctimonious holier than thou stuff here is painful sometimes. I jus think it’s a complete mischaracterization to make it sound like the show is about rape. And the messaging isn’t supportive of it in anyway. And it’s incredibly rude and insulting to equate that to “you’re OK with rape.” No, I’ve actually been rapped and can tell you very much that I was not OK with it. And you know what? I’ll save my outrage for real things–you know, like being a lot nicer to my fellow human beings. Full stop.

          2. Informed here recently of a pledge from female directors to not depict rape in their films, explaining that rape scenes are included in films and shows to 1) titillate male viewers, 2) represent the worst possible thing that can happen to a woman as a plot device, 3) to put female characters in their place, and 4) to provide a back story for a male character’s rage when his woman gets raped – another man taking something that “belongs” to him. None of these are good reasons to depict rape. It’s possible to tell a meaningful story without raping the female leads. Supporting the show contributes to the show’s success and therefore supports the inclusion of rape in future shows and films.

    3. I think it’s great and definitely worth watching, but I was also a fan of the books before the show came out. The interesting part of GOT is literally every character is pretty flawed in some way, even the ones that are the “heroes.” I realize this is true of a lot of shows, but GOT just does it so well and it makes for a very interesting politics/motivations. [Also, the show is arguably better than the book because they had to streamline things. I like the books, but George RR Martin could really do with an editor that made him cut out the unnecessary details and plot lines.]

      1. OP here — wow. The show is so dense to me already. I can’t keep a lot of the people apart (I know the mother of dragons person but didn’t pay attention until the aneurysm story came out and now I’m OMG she is amazing to have survived all that).

        I am not a fan of all of the bad stuff. For all I care, it could all happen off-camera (felt that way too about a lot of SOA, etc.). Bad stuff happens in the world — doesn’t meet I like it. I watch the evening news. I read the paper. I can fold laundry or fastforwad if I really find it too much to watch.

        1. They actually changed the names of some of the characters for the show because their names in the book were too similar to other characters and they thought people would get even more confused. There are just waaay too many characters in the book (and then occasionally long expositions about so and so’s family history and the third lord of whatever that are not necessary).

  10. Late comment to yesterday’s astrology thread . . .

    I am really not a believer. But I am such a Virgo.

    And I read a biography of QE1 and she was a Virgo and I was like: it all makes sense; of course she was a Virgo. Virgos get sh*t done.

    1. That’s the thing about astrology, right? You can always find some aspect of your personality that fits the description, so you’ll focus on that to identify with your sign.

      1. And per my menu at Chinese last night; I am also such a year of the dog person. They are just like Virgos (except that’s not how it works at all)!

      2. +1 to Cat. And it’s usually a positive trait. That’s why horoscopes are popular – they are so flattering – “people are drawn to your magnetic personality, Taurus!” and readers are like ooh, that’s me!

        They are also a great excuse for whatever your flaws are – like, well of course I have a bad temper, I’m a Scorpio (or whatever – I don’t really know the signs). So instead of working on your temper you blame it on your sign.

        It’s all a bunch of nonsense and you know it.

      3. There was an experiment where a class (HS? college?) was given a list of traits that correlated with a sign and asked if they thought the traits described them. Like 90% of them said yes. It is unlikely that 90% of them were Libras or whatever. BUT MAYBE THEY WERE 90% DRAGONS AND THE CHINESE ZODIAC IS THE RIGHT ONE??!!

  11. Thanks to the person who recommended the Speed Queen washer. My husband sputtered for 5 minutes over the price, but then after it was delivered it was everything that I dreamed it would be. I even love how it looks like it is 30 years old.

    2. I missed the thread but am in the market for a new washer as my current front loader is hard on my clothes. What’s so great about the Speed Queen?

      1. OP here, I’ve developed some strong feelings about washing machines lately, so feel free to dismiss me as an internet crackpot… Front loaders are terrible stuff gets stuck in the gasket because people forget to empty their pockets, they also get that mildewy smell unless you leave the door open all the time, which may not work for your situation at home. The high-efficiency washing machines don’t wash clothes very well. Just as a low-flow toilet only uses less water if you only flush it once, the HE washing machines don’t actually wash clothes that well, so I ended up washing things twice. They also need to be replaced more often which must negate at least some of the environmental benefits. Lastly, agitators for the win. You’d think that agitator-less would be better, but they’re not. I’ve also got it from more than one repair person to never buy an LG or Samsung.

        I will report back in 25 years if I am still using the same Speed Queen. Right now, it is so quiet that I thought it wasnt working and it just cleans my clothes really well.

    3. Speed Queen FTW. When the wash cycle has concluded, if you use the dial to manually reset it to spin again, your twice-spun clothes will dry really quickly. I can get a load through the washer and the dryer in under an hour.

  12. For the person who was asking about relocation to France with kids late on yesterday’s thread, I responded to you there. You might also repost today for more responses.

  13. Jumping on the bandwagon of sibling discussions, do any of you all have a somewhat distant/”no news is good news” relationship with one of your siblings? Have you tried to work on your relationship and has that been successful?
    I am the only girl between two brothers, and despite the fact that my younger brother lives in the same city as me, I don’t actively try to converse with him or meet up with him the way I feel a lot of siblings do (the city we both currently live in is not the city or even region where we grew up). We are a little more than 3 years apart, but due to a number of different factors, were never in the same school and just generally have never really been close. In recent years when he has moved to this city, I did reach out to him and tried to help him out, but got called “mini-mom” all the time and the final straw was last summer when he had been complaining for a while that he can barely keep his eyes open when he comes home from work he’s so tired (at a straight 40- hour a week job) and I expressed concern and suggested that he maybe make an appointment with a doctor. (I am tired after work as well (BigLaw) but not in the “can barely keep my eyes open the minute I get home” level of exhaustion – he claimed he wasn’t exaggerating). He yelled at me and then for days afterward demanded an apology. It’s not that I don’t see him – holidays, birthdays, if he wanted to go catch a movie or dinner I would do that. However, 85% of the time he reaches out, we either end up fighting or he only has bad news to share. And if I try to initiate a meetup, it’s a whole thing because our schedules just don’t match and it turns into us bickering at each other. I used to invite him over when my husband and I had parties, but’s he made a couple of comments to my friends, doesn’t always pick up on social cues (making our friends uncomfortable) and I don’t really want him around at my parties anymore.

    As a result I have found it incredibly stressful to try and engage with him and form a relationship like other siblings I see. I forget exactly how, but this came up over the weekend when my husband and I had dinner with some friends who recently moved to our city. These friends know I have brothers, but were surprised to find out that one of them lives in the city but I don’t really see him. I tried explaining that it seems to just work out better that we keep our distance, and I got looks of pity and confusion. My mom also wishes we were closer, and I have tried explaining that it’s just stressful to try and have this relationship with him, but that seems to only make my mom feel worse (which I don’t want). My husband is an only child, so doesn’t really understand the sibling dynamic and is happy to follow my lead. I guess I’m just looking for commiseration or any examples of how you turned your relationship around.

    1. I am estranged from my brother and have no plans to see or talk to him in the future. He destroyed our relationship long ago with his behaviour and terrible life choices, and his treatment of our parents. I had no patience for his drama anymore. We were never close to begin with, like you. To be honest, most of the time I don’t even think of him. I have experienced the same pity and confusion from other people, but I know I made the right choice.

    2. Maybe it’s just my VERY small sample size, but doesn’t is seem like siblings are closer now than they used to be? Growing up in the 80s-90s, the story you told was one I had heard before. Someone saying — oh yeah I have a brother, I last saw him 3 years ago though he lives 20 min away. And everyone shrugged and moved on. Now it seems like everywhere I turn, it’s sisters who consider each other best friends; brothers going on annual golf vacations; brother and sister have decided hockey is their bonding activity so they go to a game monthly etc., not to mention texting even if you don’t have plans together. I don’t know if this is real or just my perception based on who I grew up around vs. who I am around now.

      Though I’m not saying there weren’t close siblings back then — grew up in a heavily Italian area in NJ where it was UNHEARD of for a grown adult to move more than 20 min in any direction from their family so those folks definitely considered their siblings and cousins best friends, were very clear that they’d raise their kids with their siblings’ kids, had Sunday dinner every weekend etc. It’s just that despite those stories from one community, you STILL heard about estrangements and ‘I last saw my brother at a family wedding 7 years ago.’

      1. I wonder if part of this may be that people used to have more children, and therefore there was often a big age gap between some of them. For example, I know my grandfather was 18 years old than his youngest brother. Of course I wouldn’t expect him to be as close to his brother as I am with my 2 year older brother.

        I also think part of it may have been the cost of keeping in touch/traveling was significantly higher in the 80s and 90s. Back then, weren’t long distance calls like a dollar a minute? Now, they are free. And it used to be that people barely traveled. Growing up, I didn’t know anyone who flew once a year; it was more like once every 5 to 10 years. Now, everyone I know goes to visit their parents at least twice a year.

        FWIW, I consider myself close to my brother but we live a 3 hour flight apart. Between hours long phone calls and random text messages, and my trips home twice a year and his trips to visit me about once a year, we have managed to stay close. If I had moved away in the 80s, I doubt we would have that amount of contact because it would just be prohibitively expensive.

        1. This. Even in 1990, which doesn’t seem like THAT long ago, you knew that if you and your husband decided to move from NJ to Phoenix for that job opportunity, you’d be leaving your family behind in a sense and your family would just be your nuclear family in Phoenix. Sure you’d save up to fly back in year 1 or year 2 after the move, but flying was expensive and there weren’t credit card points or Hotwire etc. to make it cheaper. So then it would slow down to where you’d see the family at major events — niece/nephew/cousin weddings. But in some families that can be like once in 5-10 years; or in other families it can be a whole pack of weddings followed by none for 15 years. So that led to more stories of — yeah I last saw my brother 12 years ago. Add to that that long distance calls were expensive and there was no texting, yeah – the bonds waned. However, I think it also made nuclear families tighter and more independent (and that has positives and negatives) and more involved in creating a home for themselves in their new communities. Things weren’t that extreme if you moved within the range of a 1-10 hour car road trip, but for across the country — the dynamic changed.

          Positives and negatives to everything. I think it’s great that you can largely work/live wherever and still be pretty connected to home with cheap flights, texting etc. But I also feel like it’s part of the reason that many never feel like where they live now is home. I have friends who’ve moved from NYC to Cali. who come back and visit 4 times/yr and their families visit them 2 times/yr — that’s great for family bonds but life is about the next trip back to NY which is always on the horizon within 2-3 months. Similarly I have friends in DC who are from Pa. — as far as they are concerned their lives are in Pa — they go back about every other weekend; and these are grown people age 35+ — and their significant others live with them in DC, so it’s not about a long distance relationship back home. IDK to me that seems extreme too.

    3. Long distance situation with my only sibling (sister) for the last 15 years. She rarely makes efforts to come home – my BFF by comparison is back 2-3 times a year and we have a much closer relationship. I made big efforts to visit her a bunch last year when she had a difficult pregnancy but I got tired of the one sided effort when she barely made plans to see my kids when she actually visited recently. I’ve just come to accept that we don’t have a close going on vacations together kind of relationship. It is what it is. I feel better since I’ve accepted that it’s not something I’ve done wrong and I’ve made efforts but it hasn’t really changed so it’s okay to dial back on the efforts which were costing me a lot of time and money. It’s hard because my DH has a very close relationship with his brother even though they are long distance as well.

    4. I think DH and his brother would fall into this habit if not for the efforts of the women in the family. Sisters are twins, and I assume that’s why they’re much closer than anyone else; I’m happy to be able to adopt my ILs. No bad blood between the men, I think they just find it harder to pick up the phone and engage.

    5. I think time and maturity. I used to get really annoyed with my little sister for things like you describe – I thought she was self absorbed and immature, and if you ask her about how she was in her early twenties she would probably use the same descriptors – but now that we are both middle aged, all that has faded and we are pretty good friends. I can’t remember the last time I thought “sis is driving me crazy” and I don’t think I could ever have dreamed I’d be here someday when I was in my late twenties.

      Now, my other sister I can tell you I will never be close with. We can be cordial at family gatherings and share the occasional joke on the group text but she’s the classic middle child. I think from her perspective she is the neglected middle child. From my perspective she needs to quit blaming everyone else for all of her problems and move on with her life. <- this is a gap we will never bridge

      1. Interesting – my relationship with our family’s middle child is also tough.

      2. OP here – thanks to everyone for weighing in. I do think maybe time and maturity is the key. I just don’t think that I want to deal with the (seemingly) inevitable bickering/arguing most times we get together to try and find common ground and have one of these relationships like I see other siblings having. Meanwhile, my older brother and I can get along great and talk on the phone just to talk (we are also 18 months apart and were in school together, so that likely has something to do with it). With my younger brother, we can do activities together where we don’t have to talk (going to a sporting event or a movie) and not bicker or fight. I guess I see all of these people who are close with their siblings and think “that would be nice. and I don’t *hate* my brother, so I could probably have that kind of relationship. and it would make my parents super happy.” but then I try and it just blows up in my face. Or I think about trying and become stressed/exhausted….

        I guess it’s also that people (like friends in my original post) ask “wait, you live 3 miles from each other and don’t see each other? why not? do you really dislike each other?” And I think, “well, I guess it is a little weird – we live close to each other and don’t hate each other”. But my response is defensive: “it’s just easier to not see each other. it’s stressful when we do” And I think that saying something is stressful so you’re not going to do it works in a lot of areas of life, but not as much for family (unless it’s your inlaws).

    6. I have one full sibling and two half-siblings. My half-sister lives on the other side of the country. I haven’t seen her in — what? 40 years? And I have no plans to see her ever again. We are Facebook friends but I do not engage.

      I was close to my half-brother when I was younger but now we just talk a few times a year, mostly about my parents.

      My full brother lives a state away and I see him vanishingly rarely and talk to him almost never. He was the favored child growing up even though he was the screw-up: never finished high school, never launched a career, mooched off my parents his whole life including now when he is almost 60 and they are in their 90s. Once my parents are gone I have no plans to ever be in contact with him ever again. He was horrible to me growing up, he is a taker now, and there is basically no upside to having a relationship with him.

    7. I see my twin brother at Thanksgiving and Christmas and text him on our birthday and that’s pretty much it. He lives in another state and it’s not that I dislike him, it’s just by our nature neither of us are big talkers and we don’t have much in common, so we’re not going to call each other just to chat. I mean, I don’t even call my good friends that live in other places just to chat most of the time.

    8. I think you should let go of your idea of a “sibling relationship” and just decide if you’d like to be friends with him. And then treat him like any other friend. I have a somewhat similar situation (live in the same city as my older brother, we were never that close growing up) and he has essentially become a friend/acquaintance. I see him and his girlfriend every few weeks or maybe once per month, we get dinner and catch up, and then go our separate ways. We are not super close like some siblings seem to be. But it’s nice to have some relationship.

    9. My older sister lives within two hours of me, and we only get together quarterly for things like holidays. She was just never very interested in what I was doing so I didn’t really invest much in return. It’s not that either of us is a bad sibling, but we just don’t have a lot in common.

  14. Talk to me about pensions and retirement planning generally. I work someplace where the company 401k match vests in 1 year and a pension vests in 5 years. I’ve been here for nearly 4 years and it’s meh. It could end up being a moot issue because I work in a slow industry so even if I start job searching today (I haven’t looked hard yet), a job may not come about for 13 months anyway and then I’m vested (though I want to leave YESTERDAY). But knowing my luck, a job would come about in 5 months or 10 months and then I’d be leaving a small pension on the table. Has anyone left before a pension (or since few people have pensions – any other retirement benefit like a match or stock options) vested? Is it something you’re happy you did or do you regret it?

    In an industry where offers are hard to come by and given how unhappy I am, I can’t imagine turning one down for a small pension (1% of salary x number of years worked here which for me would be 5) some 20+ years from now; and there’s no possibility another employer will agree to letting me start 5 months later because of my vesting — the employers know how many people want the jobs. Yet I know a pension is valued at 25x the amount it’d pay out annually so it’d be like turning down an extra 200k in net worth. (Though we have to contribute heavily to the pension, so those 30k in contributions come back to you if you leave without vesting – part of me thinks, take that 30k, put it in the S&P for the next 20 years and generate a similar though lower income stream than what the pension would have been). This is the first place I’ve ever worked with a pension and vesting requirements so it’s all foreign to me. In the 13 years I’ve been out of school, I’ve been all about the 401k — and have maxed out to the IRS max probably for about 11of those years. Thoughts? All of this is solo planning — there isn’t a spouse in the picture.

    1. Don’t leave before the pension vests. Pensions are rare these days. You’re 80% of the way there and you don’t hate your job, you’re just meh. Stick it out.

    2. Do not leave money on the table. Pensions are incredibly rare these days! VEST VEST VEST. Future you will not regret that, even if all you get is a pay out instead of the actual pensions payments.
      Keep up the good work with the 401(k).

  15. I need recommendations for fun shows I can download to my tablet (via Netflix or Amazon) for my commutes. I recently watched Santa Clarita Diet and Pushing Daisies, two wonderfully upbeat and well done shows that have to do with death in some way – murder mysteries, bringing people back from the dead, grief and mourning, being undead, killing people, etc. – and I don’t dislike the subject matter in general, dark stuff can be cool, I just realized “hm, I’ve been watching some pretty grim shows, I should probably switch it up find something less grisly.” So no iZombie, as much as I like that show as well and have fallen tragically behind on. And I am hoping Pose will be available on one platform or another soon, but yeah, it’s a little dark too.

    I did breeze through Special, and if anyone is curious it is quite a fun show, but a very quick watch. But I need something similar – light-hearted, funny, and nothing to do with death, dying, the undead, or dead bodies.

        1. It’s okay, I did the same thing just now on another thread! Also I just bought a new yellow dress, and is it the best color for my skin tone? Nope, but I’m gonna wearing it anyway, because it makes me happy, side-eyers gonna side-eye.

    3. I LOVED Special – I could have watched 8 hour long episodes! A kind of similar Netflix show is Atypical, it’s about a teenage boy with autism and how he navigates dating/school/family/etc. It’s really charming and funny.

      I would rec The Good Place, although it’s about what happens after death, it’s a comedy and it’s not at all grim. It’s on Netflix here in Canada, unsure about the US. Also, Parks & Rec which is basically the ultimate upbeat comedy.

      1. OH, I forgot Atypical existed, yes, this is the show I need to start watching, thank you for reminding me!

      2. Good Place is available in the US! I would second Parks & Rec and also put in a plug for Great British Baking Show if you like mild drama about overcooked pastry. Lighthearted, silly and delightful, and extra fun if you’re a food nerd.

    4. Jane the Virgin! I suppose there is some murder scattered in but it’s dealt with in a pretty light-hearted way.

      1. I agree! I fell in love with that show around August of last year and gobbled it up, so I’m on the current season now. It’s so good!

    5. I’m not sure about Neflix availability since I don’t have that service, but I like Younger, The Bold Type and Superstore for light-hearted humor.

      1. Bold Type and Superstore are both on Hulu, and I love them! Been meaning to watch the season opener of Bold Type. Younger might be a good one to check out.

    6. Jane the Virgin? It’s a telenovela, so people die, but it’s certainly not the focus.
      Superstore!
      Great British Bake Off
      The Good Place? It is about death, but more philosophy than gore? Maybe Not . . .
      Parks and Recreation
      One Day at a Time
      Younger
      The Bold Type

    9. Definitely Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Big Little Lies, Mozart in the Jungle, Goliath, The Office, Jack Ryan, The Veep!, The Office

    10. I don’t know how you feel about reality shows but I love to watch past seasons of things like Project Runway, or the short lived knockoff The Fashion Show, because I will watch anything involving Isaac Mizrahi.

    11. The Good Place – yes philsophy and also hilarious!
      Gracie and Frankie
      The Hookup Plan (French show but funny)

      If you don’t mind revisiting old shows:
      Modern Family
      Gilmore Girls
      How I met your mother
      Friends
      The Office
      IT Crowd

    14. Love on Netflix. I had never heard of it and started an episode randomly. The first episode was a little weird, but by the 2nd I was hooked. I LOVED it and when I finished the series, I wanted to watch it again. Highly recommend.

    15. I do a rewatch of The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec when I want something fun. Also, if you have Hulu, watch The Mindy Project (so freaking funny) and Shrill

      1. The Mindy Project and Shrill are awesome! Unfortunately, while I have Hulu, that platform still hasn’t their content available to download for offline viewing, like Netflix and Amazon Prime have, and even Netflix doesn’t let you download everything.

    16. Hart of Dixie, and…Boston Legal, although in full disclosure, I am not a lawyer. That show had a remarkably positive vibe underlying it.

    17. Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Also, I second Jane the Virgen, The Mindy Project, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and Grace and Frankie.

  16. Recommendations for home office desk chairs? Where did you get yours? Is it a swivel or one with stationary legs? Fancy upholstered? I’m the poster from last week who asked about the white Ava rectangular desk from Pottery Barn. It went on sale so I bought it and now I’m looking for a chair. First time desk owner!

    1. I have an IKEA Henriksdal. It’s not the world’s most supportive chair but I found it comfortable when I was using my desk a ton during law school and bar prep.

    2. Strangely enough the Container Store has an amazing comfortable chair – its called the Flat Bungee Office chair with arms i think. I have it in turquoise. You can also get it without arms if you like. Its shockingly supportive and comfortable. I’ve had it over 2 years now.

  17. For those who have used seasonal color analysis and are warm autumns, what suit colors do you wear? What would be considered a “warm” gray? Is this seasonal color analysis just a bunch of BS? It is hard for me to get away from black and navy.

    1. I had a law school friend who was an autumn. I can wear true white but a blush color was better on her (incl. her wedding dress).

      I think navy is fine, but teal was terrific on her, as was brick red / rust. Black just look harsh on her in comparison. And gold jewelry was terrific on her (incl. rose gold).

      A warm gray looks a bit muddy — more of a deep taupe / gray. The grays I like (I’m a winter) are more things that look violet if you squint. And I don’t love them — I try to keep white or black near my face but it’s a good neutral / pants color.

      By all means, wear colors that favor you near your face. And if they don’t favor you but you like them, those are good for pants, shoes, bags, etc.

    2. Try a navy suit with a yellow blouse, or any grey suit with a burgundy, blue, green, or yellow blouse.

    4. No advice on autumn coloring, but I don’t think color theory is BS. I notice a HUGE difference in how awake and vibrant I look when I wear soft summer colors. They’re not always easy to find, depending on the time of year, so I tend to stock up when they’re around and mix in flattering neutrals that work across seasons.

    5. I’m warm autumn – khaki, mustard, rust, cream, some burgundies and fushcias, and dark teal look best. I still wear black a lot and accessorize with a color that brightens my face.

    6. Color theory is real. The undertone thing is also real, though I don’t think there are only two undertones. But some of the older color theory is BS. There are cool redheads (my daughter) and they don’t all look great in autumn colors. Just because you have warm specks in your blue irises (me) does not mean you’re an autumn. But if you look for more modern color theory stuff it’s pretty good.

    7. I read the book Color of Style and it changed by life in terms of recognizing my best colors. It’s sort of seasonally based. I believe the book suggests that you use the color of the outside of your pupil as “your version of black” (ie most people’s version of black isn’t actually black). Mine is a very dark inky purple. I haven’t been able to find a suit in this color yet though, but I have my eye out.

    8. I think color theory is very much real. I definitely look best in jewel tones and saturated bright colors like sky blue and marigold. Pastels and muted colors look terrible on me. I’m a spring.

  18. Struggling to ever feel financially secure…

    Single, no kids, no family members, my industry averages 40k/yr. (before taxes). Since every position I’ve ever had has been one where a person can be fired or quit with no reason required and no notice, I find I always live in some fear/anxiety about this. I hate being focused on money as that’s not a huge priority in who I am, but I know I don’t have others to fall back on if I’m out of work. As a result, I save like mad and yet no amount of money ever feels like enough to feel secure. My therapist says this isn’t a therapy-related thing as it’s a realistic concern, especially in a society where employers often feel no loyalty to employees. Any advice or commiseration or anything on this?

    1. How long does it typically take to find a job in your field? I would focus both on saving a healthy emergency fund that would last at least that long, and also on building your skills and resume so you are as in demand as you could be.

      If this is affecting your mental health to this extent though, I would also consider switching to a more stable industry if you are able.

    2. I’m puzzled by your therapist’s perspective – am I correctly understanding that s/he is saying that “realistic concerns” cannot be addressed in therapy? That seems odd to me. Shouldn’t therapy be about helping you talk through and find ways to manage real concerns? At any rate, I sympathize – it is scary to contemplate financial troubles, especially if you lack of a family safety net. I wonder if it might help you to talk with a financial planner. They could help you build savings projections and generally get a more objective sense of whether you need to make changes or if you are on a good track.

      1. I think the therapist is saying that the concern about money is not dysfunctional, like it might be fore someone who is a high-earner but hoards every penny. It’s more like, yup, you can work on strategies to mitigate the risk but the risk itself IS real (not paranoia).

    3. Hi, single $50k earner here! This is something where moving to a lower cost of living area can really help. Because my area is so affordable, I own my small home outright and could easily live on a minimum wage salary if I had to. Obviously I don’t want to have to go work retail or cut out everything fun, but it’s a big comfort to know that if I lost my job I could keep myself afloat, at least in a minimal fashion (no vacations, etc.) by working at Target and I wouldn’t have to drain my savings while looking for a new job in my industry. That’s simply not true for my friends in major cities (although they have much higher salaries and commensurately higher savings).

    4. Commiseration. But for me, it was definitely a “control” thing. I graduated during the recession. Didn’t have a job lined up out of college. Experienced unemployment and vowed to do all in my power not to be unemployed ever again. My first job out of law school I made $15/hr part time with no benefits and could barely make ends meet. And I felt financially insecure. I now make $200k/year and still feel financially insecure though less so due to a lot of prayer and therapy. I can at least recognize now that there is no amount of money that will make me feel financially secure. I will always fear losing it all. And that recognition has given me some level of peace with my financial situation.

    5. I actually left a traditionally low-paying field (museum-adjacent) for one with slightly better pay and, more importantly, is better in terms of growth and mobility. I still feel very conflicted about leaving but even with another earner, I wasn’t pulling in enough to feel secure. Would you be open to switching fields, or at least to another job where employees aren’t treated poorly?

      If that’s not possible – can you pick a number and use that as your savings goal? Maybe 6-12 months of expenses socked away in a particular account. Then when the anxiety starts creeping in, you check your balance and remind yourself that you’ve worked hard and planned to avoid a crisis.

  19. Is anyone else perhaps a bit overly emotional about the ending of Crazy ExGirlfriend? I hadn’t realized just how attached I’d gotten to the characters (especially the women’s friendship) until the show was ending. (Admittedly, my #1 celeb crush for about a decade has been the actor playing Nathaniel, which I mourn the loss of weekly visits with too.)

    Am I the only one who feels a real sense of loss when a beloved show ends or do others? If you do, what show(s) got to you?

    (Also, for funsies, if you watched CEG, what’s your favorite song? And no spoilers, in case folks here watch and are behind! …my favorites? “Let’s Have !nterc0urse,” “I’m a Good Person,” and “Settle For Me” all stand out… though “Gettin’ Bi” and really anything Paula does are super high up there too!)

    1. I didn’t know CEG was/is ending! I have to catch up.

      I absolutely mourn the ending of beloved shows – the same way I feel when I finish an amazing book. Even if the ending is satisfying, I feel sad that I won’t get to see more of interesting characters and their stories. Recently, the finale of Catastrophe really stuck with me. I adored that show.

    2. I only watched sporadically but “The very first Pn$ I Saw” number was stunningly hilarious. Such a boppy happy tune!

    3. Oh man, I’m literally in the middle of rewatching the first season as I type this. There are so many little nuggets that they revisit in later seasons that it’s amazing, and I forgot about a lot of the songs. I’m almost loving it more this time around. I have no idea what my favorite song is, it’s so hard to choose! But also, Cappie 4eva!

    4. Haha I actually worked in West Covina for a short time so that makes this wonderful show extra extra special to me!

    5. Ohhhh, me too. Although I do wish that they’d had Santino Fontana for the last season – I think “original Greg” would have given the last season arc a bit more emotional heft. I love all the songs you mentioned but I think It Was a Sh-Show was maybe my favorite. I also just rewatched the first 2 seasons in preparation for the end. I have tickets to see the live show in NYC and I’m excited!

      Actually, it feels like all of my favorite shows are ending and I’m quietly bereft: CExGf, Jane the Virgin, iZombie.
      Can I make a plug for The Magicians on SyFy? The pacing/editing is often a bit insane but they do a music theater-y episode at least once a season. (Also, hated the book it is based on and still love the show)

      1. I haven’t watched this season, but as someone who has watched at least a few seasons of every other show you mentioned, I agree the Magicians is great. And it gets better and better. And I also wasn’t into the book.

  20. Answer honestly — do you use your phone when you’re driving? What do you do with it when you’re driving (1) highway where you can easily be going 80 miles/hr; and (2) local driving running errands etc. on local roads?

    Highway — I put it in my purse and my purse goes on the floor of the passenger side, so the only way I can even get to my phone is if I pull over into a rest stop. Local — I usually don’t carry a purse so I’ll put it in my back jeans pocket, so I’m sitting on it.

    Just did a 3 hour drive on 95S, and was stunned at the number of people going 80-90 miles/hr (mid day, little traffic) with a phone in one hand?! I think if you’re moving 90 mph, it may be better to have both hands on the wheel with no distractions. Honestly I wish there was some way to report people but then how would that even work unless you are using your phone.

    1. Never in my hand.

      Only on bluetooth if it’s easy driving like a long quiet stretch of highway or quick call if it’s urgent like running late for an appointment that they will cancel if not there on time.

    2. I occasionally use my phone at red lights or if my car is fully stopped in traffic. It’s not great, I know. But I never use my phone while on the highway. That seems super unsafe to me.

    3. Phone is usually out on long drives bc Google Maps, mounted on the dash. It’s connected via bluetooth to the audio system, so occasional glances to answer a call or skip a song. Nothing more involved than that — no reading emails or texts. For shorter drives, stays in purse.

    4. I use Waze when I am driving in new places and it just feels wrong.

      Otherwise, never. I have kids who will be phone users in another couple of years and then driving after that. My spouse is borderline reckless so I need to be the responsible parent (plus, nearly all of my driving is city driving where it would be so dangerous to be watching anything but the road, even at lights).

    5. I usually leave it on the seat next to me for GPS purposes/music. I will occasionally pick it up to look at the nav. I never text or read emails while driving. Phone use is not illegal in my state unless you’re texting.

    6. I very occasionally get it out on the highway if I’m lost and need to pull up Google maps, but I worry about it every time. If I’m not 100% certain of my destination, I need to pull up maps before I depart. Texting and driving is 100% unacceptable in every circumstance.

      1. And yet it happens all the time — if you’re ever there on off times, there is all kinds of crazy speeding where going 80-90 seems “slow” compared to what others are doing. Not saying I engage. Saw a LOT of ticketing a few days ago but I think that was for crazy speed not necessarily phone use, but I did notice people zooming by at 90 mph phone in hand.

    9. mine is typically mounted on my dash because that’s where the charger is, connected by a cord to the sound system for listening to podcasts and Gps when needed. I do not text or even talk most of the time; if an urgent call comes in I’ll take it (legal to talk on phone while driving where I live) but get off as soon as possible. I do check email/select a new podcast at red lights but if the car is moving I’m not fiddling with the screen. I have been in car accidents in the past both as driver and passenger and although none of them involved phone use I still am too Leary if the possibility to take the risk. If I absolutely “need” to send a text while driving I use Siri. Very rarely.

    10. It’s usually on some map app next to my gear shift. I will take or make calls on Bluetooth while driving but never hand held (that’s grounds for a ticket in area). I do admit to texting while stuck in traffic.

    11. I’m a hypocrite. I complain about this but occasionally use my phone on a smaller road, not on the highway. I’ve started putting my purse in the backseat to stop doing this. I’m not in a state where this is illegal, but I know it’s a terrible thing. I haven’t installed an app that blocks cell phone use when it knows it’s moving (say above 20mph), but that’s probably next for me.

    12. I use waze for traffic (its heavy on my commute, and there are multiple options to avoid accidents et al.), and have a clip that holds my phone on one of my car’s vents. Turn a podcast/music on before I pull out of my parking spot, and use the controls on my steering wheel/infotainment screen to change songs, etc. No texting or actual phone use while driving at highway speeds (I will admit to checking things at stoplights).

      1. Oh, and car has bluetooth for phone calls, though I don’t talk on the phone very often.

    13. For in-hand phone calls? Yes, daily during my commute home, and this is legal in my state. It is not legal in bordering states so I refrain when driving there. I hate speakerphone with a passion and would give up phone calls altogether (sorry gramma) if my state decided to institute hands-free calls only.

      Texting, never when the car is moving and very rarely (handful of times a year at most?) when at a giant long red light, not when I am at the front of the line, and only then it is a quick “im driving.”

      1. Also, texting while at a standstill is somehow also legal in my state. If that were banned I would not even do this much.

      2. Yeah, you need to stop doing that. Just because your state is behind the times doesn’t mean you have to be.

      4. Can’t believe this is still legal in some places! Is drunk driving still legal there too? Numerous studies have shown that they are equally dangerous.

    14. I don’t understand places that ban using your phone when stopped. Maybe because people aren’t honest about stopping the use the second they start moving? If I’m just sitting in traffic going nowhere, I’m going to check my phone. I have my phone mounted on the dash and use it for GPS. I also make and take calls via bluetooth. I don’t email or text unless stopped. In very rare circumstances I’ve checked a text or email to confirm an address or something else related to why I’m driving.

  21. I know several people on here recommend IF as a good weight loss/management tool. I’ve decided to try it and I’m literally starving during my fasting times. I’m not even doing the whole 16 hr fast – I decided to start with 14 hr fast and 10 hr eating window so I’m eating from 12-9. I’m starving first thing in the AM and by 12 I’m ready to stab someone. Does it get better or is this just maybe not for me?

    1. That seems like the wrong window. What about 10-7 if you’re that hungry in the mornings?

      For me IF didn’t cause weight loss but it caused me to stop a habit of having a sweet snack sometime after dinner. Eating up until 9pm is not a great idea anyway.

    2. Trying moving your window. I do 11am- 8pm. I also modify by having a black coffee at 7:30am and one small no sugar probiotic yoghurt at 9am so not 100% fasting.

      Make sure you are drinking enough. I drink a large glass of water on waking in the morning and another with my 9am yoghurt at a minimum.

      For your meals make sure you are eating enough protein and whole grains so you have enough healthy fuel.

    3. Starving yourself (i.e., not eating when your body is hungry) on an arbitrary schedule is not for you. I wish people would stop promote disordered eating habits so much. Just look at Jack Dorsey and how he’s getting praised for discipline for disordered behavior that any woman would get called out for. Diets don’t work for lasting weight loss.

        1. IF has solid research to back it up but the later eating times like 12pm-9pm are not supported by the evidence. I do 11am – 8pm because I often eat dinner at 7pm. It’s just not realistic for me to do the 7am-3pm window. IF was originally interesting to me because it seems to be particularly effective for people at risk of diabetes and I have a strong family history.

          “There is some good scientific evidence suggesting that circadian rhythm fasting, when combined with a healthy diet and lifestyle, can be a particularly effective approach to weight loss, especially for people at risk for diabetes.” https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/intermittent-fasting-surprising-update-2018062914156

          1. Lol “circadian rhythm fasting” is a euphemism for starving yourself and there is still no evidence that it leads to durable weight loss. Any evidence of its efficacy in managing blood sugar for diabetics is a separate issue and one that should be explored with vigorous research.

      2. It does amuse me that somehow “I don’t eat breakfast any more, and I don’t snack after dinner” is the new, sophisticated diet regime.

    4. It gets easier. A few tips- clean fasting really cuts down on insulin responses for me. By clean I mean, black coffee, black tea, sparkling/still water only during my fast. So no flavored water, splashes of cream, or sugarless gum/beverages (all of which some people use in their fasting period). Alcohol during the evenings makes me hungrier the next morning so I do much better if I cut off my eating window at dinner and don’t sip a glass of wine while watching tv. Also, I try not to let perfect be the enemy of good enough. I do 16:8 the majority of the time. Some weekends I want breakfast, some weekdays I try for an 18-20 hour fast. It all balances out. Finally, it’s not a quick weight loss tool. My body has changed in a lot of positive ways (inches lost, inflammation reduced, no more hangry), but actual weight loss is relatively low. If I just looked at the scale, I would have given this up.

      1. +1 The only thing I will add to this is if you absolutely can’t do black coffee (I can’t without severe stomach issues), I have gotten by with small amounts of nutpods in my coffee while fasting.

    5. I had your experience and determined that IF is not for me. I work out in the morning and have long and demanding days at work, meaning breakfast is at 6:30 AM and dinner sometimes isn’t until 8:30 PM. I emailed a nutritionist I had worked with in the past and she said while IF works for some people, she would never have recommended it for me because I need nutritious foods and energy throughout the day. Can I ask why you think it would be a good weight loss tool for you? Because you might be fine with just cutting late night snacking or moving your open hours earlier if you need breakfast to function but want to avoid heavy meals at night. If you’re looking to really overhaul your eating habits, it might be better to focus on balanced meals (balance of carbs, fats, and protein), more nutrients, smaller portions, and just generally cutting out rich, heavy, sugary foods. All easier said than done but there are easier ways to work on weight loss than feeling hungry and wanting to stab someone.

    6. I am the hungriest when I don’t have something legit for dinner, or have empty calories (usually sweets or alcohol) late in my eating window and well after dinner. Trying to address your hunger issue, I’d give the 16:8 a legit try but make sure to have two solid and healthy meals (mostly protein and high fiber veggies) near the beginning and end of the 8-hour window. Also, you may need to up your water/fluid intake during the fasting period. I do not like black coffee at all but want the caffeine so suffer through at least half a cup. I also drink a lot more water than I used to in the morning, and sometimes add a squeeze of lemon.

      What are you eating at 9 pm?

      1. Thanks all! So I wanted to try IF because I feel like I’m constantly eating. Like putting random food from the kids meals in my mouth, handfuls of snacks throughout the day, etc. I read a lot of positive things about it and thought having the hard rules might be good for me to get that under control. I generally have been able to eat a lot and maintain a healthy normal weight, but its on the high side of where I’d like to be.

        A few other things – I love exercise and running so I work out every day. Because of my schedule its sometimes in the evenings and sometimes in the mornings. On the days I work out at night its after my daughter goes to bed and I eat dinner after that, which is why I had planned on 9 pm. I’m also nursing but my supply is well established and my baby is almost 8 months old. I drink a lot of water. As I’m typing this I’m realizing that maybe I need the energy throughout the day and maybe IF is not for me right now…

        1. Just a thought, rather than IF (which sound to be making you miserable) what if you tried eating only at designated mealtimes and planned snack times and only when you actually sit down at the table with a plate and everything. Could help cut down on mindless munching throughout the day without unnecessarily skipping meals.

        2. Instead of IF (which I believe isn’t recommended while nursing), try the hard and fast rule of- I don’t snack and I limit myself to 3-4 meals a day. I think this notion that we need to graze all day can mess with our natural hunger cues.

        4. The fact that you’re still breastfeeding may be your biggest issue right now. You’re (mostly not 100%, assuming baby is getting some solids) growing two real humans and have to have the fuel to make those calories. Maybe making some really strict rules about snacks would help? If I were you, I’d try for three solid meals/day, with an afternoon snack and slightly lighter dinner on the days when you workout late, but otherwise NO SNACKS. Because, do you really need them?

        5. I’m a huge advocate for IF but agree with others than it’s not right for you if you’re nursing. Of course you’re hungry, your body is doing some serious important work now. Finish nursing and then try IF again. I was hungry for maybe the first few days but then I was shocked at how quickly my body adjusted. And I used to be the type who thought I needed breakfast every day. Also, I have a rule — I don’t eat off of my kids’ plates ever. If they don’t finish their food, it goes in the trash.

    7. If you want to try IF when your’re not nursing , try and give yourself a larger window to start, 12/12 for example. You can count back from when you go to sleep. Try not to eat later than 3 hours before you go to sleep. And then take 12 hours off and you’ve got a starter window. One point of IF is not to stuff yourself right before sleep since you don’t need a massive refill to sleep, but you do need time to digest. You still need to consider what you eat, though. You will want to eat enough fats to feel satisfied, e.g.

      But seriously. While you are nursing is NOT a good time to deprive yourself like what you described! Please take good care of yourself and your daughter.

    8. I used Noom and was very happy with it. Only on it for 2 months plus free 2 weeks because I didn’t have a whole lot to lose. I was generally eating healthy and exercising before. However, it was great for a reset, helped me tweak my diet, and I am sure to be able to keep it off for good or at least know the steps to take if my weight starts creeping back up

  22. Re-posting as I put this on yesterday’s thread by accident.
    Has anyone relocated to France for work? My company is reorganizing and shifting some central functions to France. Legal dept hasn’t been determined yet, but a few of my coworkers in other central functions have already been asked whether they would be willing to relocate. DH and I are thrilled by the idea. But I fear I may be over romanticizing. (We have 3 preschoolers- Bringing Up Bebe is on my mind). My French is basic. Not looking for advice as this is obviously a very big personal decision with a ton of factors. More looking for other people’s experiences in this.

    1. I and several of my friends have relocated to London/Paris over the years. I’ve loved moving to Europe, and we’re now in the midst of the conversations about whether we stay here or not. I also have a small child and an Irish/British husband who has helped with a lot of the navigating of living in the EU, but would note that there is a lot of day-to-day logistics (healthcare, schools, taxes, leases, bank accounts, etc.) that will just be slightly to very different while the bulk of your life will probably be very similar in the patterns you have now, just in a different city. It’s easy to romanticize for sure, and it’s hard to separate the bits that are realistic from those that aren’t until you actually do it, but for example: it’s much easier to travel to lots of places I still think of as Cool European Destinations, and yet, I still have a busy job and a kid, so don’t realistically take more vacations than I did when I lived in NYC or DC, but now have the added burden of trips back to the States to see family/friends which take up holiday time in big chunks (which may or may not be a thing for you depending on how long you’d be over here for). It is nice that on my weekends, we are in London and get to see cool things in London instead of cool things in NYC, but by the same token, I feel like I miss the volunteering/community service network I was starting to tap into before I moved and which I haven’t yet cracked over here and to my kid, I think the playground at her aunt’s house back home is indistinguishable from the one down the road here as far as “cool factor”. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and found it easy to adjust and develop friends here, but know other people who’ve found that a real challenge, even without a language barrier. One of my best friends in Paris has had a lovely time of it, and feels very integrated into her neighborhood, but it’s taken a couple years and she speaks French and is a social butterfly (and her husband works with exclusively French coworkers). Another was there for a year and felt like she was a tourist the whole time and that she’d lost ground career-wise when trying to job hunt back home. It varies a lot, but I think generally, when I moved here, I thought that living in London would be a cool adventure, and the longer I live here, it’s just another move with more paperwork. Personally, it’s worked out well for me and I have met some fantastic people, but I also deeply miss the community and family I left behind to move here, and the longer I’m here, the more I know I’ll miss this community I’ve built here.

    2. you don’t say where you are based now, this would have a huge impact on your experience in France, you don’t say either where in France btw, so that would change the answer too.
      That being said, I’ve done the opposite move, from France to the USA, and I think a lot of people I know would struggle. Not only because of the language and culture, but also the daily life is so different. But as my handle says, I’m in Houston, and people here are used to things being, well, bigger, and modern. When you move to a big French city, you’d lose space, and the convenience of 24h shops, or drive thru pharmacies.
      Daily life with kids can be rough in Paris too, think subways and strollers for instance.
      That being said, there are ways around all those issues, it depends a lot on how much you’re willing to live your life the French way, and not as an American in Paris if that makes sense?

    3. So I grew up in France (American mother, French father – grew up in Paris). I had a very happy childhood, left for college and am considering going back once I start a family. A few things to consider:
      – where in France? Paris vs smaller city/countryside is different. Paris is a major city with huge international community, American schools, etc. It’s true that it’s not the most baby-friendly in the sense that it’s hard to get by with a stroller, limited high chairs and changing rooms in restaurants, etc, but it can be quite kid-friendly once your kids are a bit older – lots of activities, easy to walk to friends’ houses or school, parks, sports classes, public pools, great base for travel and learning interesting things, etc. It’s definitely an expensive place to live though. Country living is lovely but might be more isolating if you don’t have a big expat community nearby. Some midsize towns can be a great compromise, depending on where you are.
      – Cost of living – it’s really hard to compare with the US. Would you be subject to French taxes? Are you living in Paris or in the country? Will you put your kids in local schools (generally good quality depending on the area, but obviously French-speaking) or in (expensive) international/American schools? Map out your costs and talk to an accountant to understand the tax situation – taxes are generally higher than in the US but families with 3 kids get benefits (not to mention health care and retirement) so sometimes it balances out. Public preschool (Ecole maternelle) is free starting age 3 so that might be a factor for you.
      – Bringing up Bebe: some truth to it, but please remember there are 67 million french people and huge variety in how they raise their kids, so it’s a bit of a caricature and focuses on a very specific socioeconomic group (wealthy Parisians running in expat circles – not that there is anything wrong with that). Some things are more generalized because they are part of the system – like school lunches and the school system in general – but there also is a lot of diversity in how kids are raised, depending on region, religion, cultural background, socioeconomic status, etc, and you and your kids will not magically become different people when you set foot in France.
      – Job security: this my biggest fear if I were to move back to France. The job market is…not great and things move slowly. Do you have a partner/could they work? What are your job prospects if you lose your job? You could move back to the US of course, but it’s still something to consider.
      – language : if you speak some French, you will pick up more with practice. Assuming you work mostly in English, this shouldn’t be a major issue.
      – Paperwork :definitely a hassle. See if your company will offer relocation services. Expect things to be tedious and slow – it drives French people nuts and it’s harder to understand if you’re not used to it.
      There are a lot of blogs by Americans living in France that will provide some insight. There was a feature on the blog Cup of Jo Motherhood around the World series that I found quite good, although again it portrays a very specific set of circumstances (people who have money and family ties to the area). The comments on that post are also interesting.

  23. I’m interviewing for a tenure-track position at a community college. I’ll be meeting with various deans and doing a 30-minute teaching demo. What would you wear? Full suit? Black sheath and blazer? I think I would be more comfortable in a sheath and blazer, but I don’t want to look like I’m not taking the process seriously.

    1. Yes, sheath and blazer. But not black, maybe navy or dark grey or some other formal but not to funereally color.

  24. Mueller report is out! Haven’t read any in-depth analysis but the initial tidbits seem meatier than I expected as a former lawyer who used to hand over documents that were almost entirely redacted.

    1. I’m so jaded, I’m pretty sure this report could say that Trump is hunting people for sport in his spare time and not one person in this country would change their mind about him. So it’s hard for me to get too worked up about what’s in there.

      2. Oh I don’t think he’s going to be indicted or impeached or anything. Republican politicians don’t care. But when the Barr summary came out, a lot of people said this would give Trump a bump in 2020. I’m not sure I agree with that, given how far away the election is and how much time he still has to praise Nazis and attack war heroes, but I do think what’s in Mueller’s report is pretty damning and will remove any “exoneration bump” he got from the Barr summary. (Which was SO misleading! Barr would have been sanctioned if he’d submitted something like that to a court.)

    2. Haven’t looked yet, but one thing I’ve found frustrating about this entire situation is the fact that, collusion or not, everyone agrees (except apparently Trump, who can’t seem to (or is unwilling to) separate the issues of collusion vs. election interference in his mind) Russia attempted to interfere in the election, but that seems to get minimized. Shouldn’t we as a nation be way more outraged about that?

      1. Given the US’s track record of meddling in other countries’ elections, nobody should be so naive as to think that a lot of foreign powers wouldn’t like to tip the scales in ours. Most countries just have too much to loose in a scandal like that due to the benefits of a good partnership with the US.

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