Thursday’s Workwear Report: Poppy Crispy Cotton Puff-Sleeve Tee

230 Comments

1. I love that color.

   Does anyone know what’s happening with Bl*glovin? It’s been down for days and days now. Do I need to find another source to follow my blogs?

   1. I’m having the same issue, I also couldn’t redownload their app when I got a new phone. Wondering if they’re going out of business?

      1. Yeah, it made me start to wonder how they even make money. It’s a bummer because I had finally tailored it exactly as I wanted it! What is another similar resource?

         1. Haven’t used the site you’re discussing but would Feedly substitute?

      2. There maybe some issue with the cybersecurity that Vice President Harris warned us about. She is interfacing with a confidential taskforce on this, but I heard that in Ukraine and Russia some websights are being blocked.

   2. I just bookmark them?

   3. I use The Old Reader.

   4. I’ve been happy with netvibes, but I only use it on my laptop, never tried the mobile version.

2. Wild that this shirt is paired with…shorts?

   1. Why? I think the whole outfit is super cute.

   2. I’ve seen short suits recently. This time, they didn’t seem to out there. Perfect for a zoom call (not perfect work offices that chill it down to 60 in the summer)!

   3. I actually think the styling is cute for casual wear. I wouldn’t wear this top in a pastel color to the office anyway; I’d do black to dress it up a bit.

      1. It’s a lot to pack into a jacket or any top layer with sleeves.

         1. I would only wear this to a more casual office that wasn’t overly air conditioned.

   4. I bought two shirts like this from JCrew factory recently with puffed eyelet sleeves intending to wear them with shorts this summer when working from home, they look cute and a bit more ‘dressy’ on camera than a plain t-shirt.

   5. The sleeves on this shirt make me hear yodeling.

      1. And yet they would balance out my hips.

      2. lol

   6. I think this shirt with shorts is a very cute weekend look but the shirt would also look nice with black work pants

   7. When was the last time big sleeves were in style? I was all in on them in the late 80s / early 90s, and I think they’ve maybe trended again since then, but I skipped that one and I’m planning on sitting this one out as well.

      1. I had a choir dress with puffed sleeves in 1998.

      2. I had some puffed sleeve t-shirts maybe mid to late aughts.

      3. Haven’t we been trending this way for the last 4 or 5 years?

      4. I feel old and am shocked that several of you like this look.

   8. Yeah, totally wild retailers would start selling shorts in *checks notes* late April.

3. Clothing style names are getting more ridiculous by the day. “Crispy”? That describes food, not clothing.

   1. I’ve seen “sleeveless jacket.” There is a word for that — it is VEST.

      1. +1

   2. Makes me think they meant to say plain old “crisp” to describe a fabric that inherently has some body to it, but instead they veered into contains-no-milk-so-it’s-just-a-shake territory. Or had an iron/starch accident and are being 100% honest…

      1. +1

4. Wondering what experiences you’ve had temporarily renting out your home to live elsewhere, whether you’d suggest or warn against it. I changed jobs so now everything in my life is 45+ minutes away (new office, friends, and bf). I’m sick of the distance! It’s too early to move in with my bf but looks promising, so don’t want to make permanent moves like buying another place on my own now.

   For detail, my total monthly cost is $3000, I could rent it out for $3300, and I could rent a new place near my bf for $3000. Not a massive money maker, but I could have a cushion for any maintenance needs, continue building equity, and figure out my long term plan.

   But if I get nightmare tenants who won’t pay or leave, I could be out, like, $10K+. My savings could technically cover it but it would be terrifying to lose so much money. My realtor would screen/credit check/interview tenants, but I don’t know how much weight to put on the possibility of an unlikely but disastrous event like that.

   My best friend thinks I should just sell my apartment and avoid the hassle/risk. But I’d lose a little money in the sale and stop earning equity…and I’m hesitant to jump off the property ladder even though being on it doesn’t seem to be doing much for me (meh market in NYC for years).

   1. It’s almost summer, so often people will move after kids’ school years are done. Any chance if you wait a month or so you could snag a bunch of relocating families (that is a big market in my city, also families moving out to do reno work to an existing house). I’d talk about a specific plan for getting tenants who are no-drama. And if the plan is for people to be there with an exit plan and care about their credit, that will help (vs nightmare stories like the VRBO guests squatting in NYC, etc.). If you are in NYC or maybe DC or SF, IMO their laws are so tenant skewed that I’d look at the worst-case scenario as way worse than 10K. If you are in a hot market like Nashville or ATL or CLT, then it’s probably less likely you’ll have too much drama.

      1. Sadly it’s a 1 bedroom so not likely to be suitable for relocating families! Yes I am in NYC and am aware at least in theory of our tenant-skewed laws and that it is difficult and expensive to evict.

   2. Your best freind is right. Unless you want to be a real estate magnate, and as long as things look good with moving in with your boyfreind, Dad and I say sell the place, put the money toward a cheap month-to-month rental near your boyfreind, and you can easily move in with him after he has cleared out space for your stuff. That way, you won’t have to continue to pay rent. If you don’t wind up moving in with him, you can find a decent place at your leesure while you live in the rental. Be careful tho, b/c once you move in with him, you will be more likely to be doing all of the cooking and cleaning for him. Fooey on that!

   3. This is probably terrible advice but I’ve had good luck just going with my gut. When my dad passed away, it was sudden and we weren’t ready to sell his place right away and we had a series of tenants that everyone warned us against (b/c we charged them a lower than market rent to avoid dealing with moving some stuff out) and no one created any problems, during or when it was time to go.
      I also rented a coop apartment for years from a woman who wouldn’t agree to any of the stuff I wanted to include on the lease about how much she could raise rent per year, etc., and she never raised my rent and was a very easy landlord. I think it was mostly luck but I don’t think that you should just anticipate the worst and avoid this.

      1. Long-term landlord of my prior places and I tend to price a bit under market (so the tenant has something in their mind of value that they like) and have not had drama. Even when stuff has gone wrong with the house, the tenants have been easy to work with to get things fixed asap (broken disposal, dishwasher dying, etc. that happens over a 15 year span). Make sure everything works well. Change the filters (and have a plan to keep them changed — like leave a supply and set reminders). Make sure the drains drain. GET GOOD INSURANCE (as a landlord — the policy is different if you occupy your property vs if you rent it out) AND AN UMBRELLA POLICY; require your tenants to get renters insurance in the lease.

   4. A $300 difference between rent and expenses will not be worth it. The difference between your current homeowners’ insurance and a landlord policy, as well as increased property taxes (if your house has a homestead exemption) will eat most or all of that up, even if you get excellent, low-maintenance tenants. If you aren’t okay with being in the hole in order to keep your place, you should sell it. You won’t break even with those numbers.

      1. But she is building some equity and perhaps the property is appreciating while she works through some decisions. It’s not just about the cash flow.

         1. No, it’s not an the numbers are different everywhere, but having lived this as an unintentional landlord during the early 2010s, I know you can’t count on the place appreciating, either.

         2. Yes, one of the main reasons I don’t want to sell is that I am “making” $1500/month back between equity and mortgage interest giving me a tax break. Wasn’t aware of the landlord insurance being more, so of course will look at that, and I doubt the homestead thing is true of NYC coops but I’ll investigate.

            I’d be okay with being slightly in the hole to keep my place, given the equity building, but not, like, covering for tenants who didn’t pay rent, while also renting another apartment for myself, plus hiring a lawyer to get the tenants out…gotta be well over $10K in the worst scenario.

            The NYC market is weird so I don’t know whether it will appreciate or not…so far only a small amount.

            1. If 10K is your ceiling for how much you would easily be able to throw at this to solve problems, I wouldn’t do it.

            2. Thanks, yeah…could throw a lot more money than that if needed, just…would be kinda horrified to have to.

      2. The difference in insurance is likely minimal. I think it was a $45 annual difference for me.

         1. I’m not in NY, but my insurance nearly doubled, as did my property taxes. The property in question doesn’t rent at $3k/month, so perhaps the scale is a tad different, but it wasn’t a trivial amount.

            1. Not about this issue, but may I ask where you live? I’m curious about your property taxes increasing because it’s a rental. It’s something I’m doing some research on and would love to look up whatever city/municipality that is.

            2. Lots of states have homestead exemptions where some amount (50k in both states I’ve lived in) of the assessed value is not counted toward property taxes. For my rental house, losing the homestead exemption took taxes from $300/year to $700/year (AL, and yes, you get what you pay for with those low property taxes… I do not recommend). For my current house (FL), the difference between homesteaded and not homesteaded is $1600 (homesteaded) vs $2500 (not homesteaded). Additionally, there are caps on how much property taxes go up, so my neighbor, who’s been here since the 80’s pays about $800/year in property taxes on an identical house (both valued around $210k).

   5. Longtime landlord here, once you rent something out plan to keep it a rental. There’s a lot of wear and tear that comes with renting plus the risk of bad tenants as noted. Renting should be part of an overall financial strategy not a temporary solution. Only exception would be say a BFF who will move in temporarily or something where it’s more caretaking than anything else.

      1. Thanks. I couldn’t really do it longterm due to my building rules (only for I think 5 years max), and in my case it would more likely be 1-2 years while I see where things are headed with my bf.

         1. I wouldn’t do it, in NYC that may put you in conflict with eviction protection laws and your building. It’s also rough dealing with a coop or condo board as a non-resident owner. I’m all for keeping skin in the real estate game, but if you’ve really outgrown this location, I think you’re better off selling and buying something else closer to where you are. I’d choose the fixed loss (if there even is one) from a sale than the potential future headaches with less solvable problems.

            1. +1

            2. +10000 the small financial benefit is not worth the hassle and terrible downside should someone fall into arrears or damage property (something will ALWAYS go wrong with a tenant and you have to come fix it).

   6. Could you Airbnb it over the summer? There are property management companies that handle the cleaning, booking, etc. That way, if it’s not working, you don’t have to evict someone.

      1. I don’t think it’s legal here and I doubt my building (NYC coop) would approve! Otherwise would likely try it.

         1. It’s not legal in NYC.

      2. Hahaha — there is an Airbnb horror story on this in NYC.

   7. I’ve rented out three homes now and (knock on wood), I’ve not yet had an issue with tenants not paying It definitely happens, but most people want to do the right thing and just live their lives. Checking credit scores and having a property manager help you vet the tenants will lower your risk. Keep in mind, even if you lose some money, you REALLY only need your tenant to cover taxes + insurance + interest – any money you pay into the principal on your home is equity that you (should) get back when you sell eventually. So that gives even more cushion than the $300.

      1. True but OP is in NYC and rent control laws create a lot more issues than with a standard LL/T analysis. OP, you need to know what you’re doing before renting in a market like that.

         1. Thanks, I’m getting that impression. Any resource you would recommend for that?

         2. Doesn’t rent control only impact how much you can raise the rent by year-over-year? So if OP is happy getting $3300 indefinitely, it’s not an issue?

            1. This is not actually rent control (totally different NYC thing)–it’s the fact that it is very difficult to evict tenants in NYC, relative to in other places. So if they don’t pay me anything at all, I could spend $10K going to court to try to get them out.

            2. Late in responding but rent control also covers eviction control and is very hard in cities like NY and SF. OP, I’m a LL in SF and don’t have NY resources.

   8. If your job is where your boyfriend is anyway, I’d sell the apartment and buy one where the job is.

   9. Beyond the aspects already discussed:

      Lock away your nice kitchen stuff unless you want it ruined or taken.
      Lock away your nice linens unless you want them ruined.
      Do not expect renters to care for your possessions (houseplants, books, furniture, rugs, things you wouldn’t even think of) in the way you do–they won’t.

      If you’re OK with this…proceed!

      1. It’s not just renters who don’t maintain things…I was a renter who agreed to take care of large houseplants/trees for my Landlord, and he was the one not caring for them. One of the very large planters cracked and started leaking water all over the hardwoods. I documented it via text and email, and he didn’t come by. He kept saying his 80 something year old mother would. The planter was so large I couldn’t move it with my roommate. We had to have a fit male friend of ours come over to help haul the tree outside, where I left it on the porch and continued to water it. He did eventually send his mother over several weeks later. The tree was, again, too heavy for her to move let alone repot. So his aunt came over, and between the 2 of them, they hacked off most of the branches to repot it. It really was a comedy of errors. I’m a homeowner now, but I get annoyed with the assumption that LLs are responsible and renters are reckless. The plant issue was just the tip of the problems I had with that LL, but it showed his lack of care even for his own supposedly beloved plants which he had begged and pleaded with us to care for due to them being too large to really transport.

5. Nice pick, Elizabeth! I had a puffy shirt like this but gave it away. This may be a nice one to get in light red or sky blue I think. Myrna has been dealing with Long Covid ever since January, and she has been moping around her apartment. I have only been over there a few times, wearing my KN95 mask, and she was NOT abel to attend our Passover Seder b/c of it. The thing I can’t figure out is why she has been so effected, since she is so much more physically fit then the rest of us. She was boosted also, b/c her job required it and they are back in the office 3x a week. I wish I had the answer for her.

   Is anyone else back in the office 5x a week like we are? Lynn has arranged for deli to be brought in every day, so that is why I make sure to get in by 11:30. Otherwise I get stuck with the turkey on white bread, which I can’t eat anyway during the holiday. I prefer Corn Beef, and she has boxes of Matzo’s for us with good deli mustard.

   Our office has committed to Net Zero in Carbon emissions. I have no idea why we had to do this but the manageing partner thinks we can get more cleints. He put me in charge of doeing the math to prove we are climite neutral. I am pretty sure that means we have to dump our garbage in the public cans on the corner of 3rd Avenue, so that trash expense goes to zero. The manageing partner also told us we have to reduce water consumtion by 50%. He thinks we have to use the toilets in the hallway whenever possible. Heating and A/c have to be cut, and this means wearing warmer clotheing in the winter, and lighter clotheing in the summer. That I can handle. Is any other company here doing this? Finally, the manageing partner told me I can’t watch cable tv in the conference room all day. FOOEY b/c the Johnny Depp trial is still going on, so I am still home and will stay here until 10:30 and then walk into work in time for lunch.

6. Since there are a lot of lawyers on this board, as well as high achieving ladies who may have been through divorce — seeking advice on how to find and evaluate a divorce lawyer. We will have complex custody and estate issues (think: vested and unvested public and private company equity, real estate investments, etc). Appreciate any advice. Thank you in advance!

   1. Do you each have a lot to fight over? Or is it one-sided? And how much acrimony and has anyone cheated (that matters in NC and SD)?

      Your local family law / estate planning lawyers will know who the good local people are. Talk to the estate planners — it’s not their area, but they deal with the NYW people who care about this stuff. And everyone you talk to will be conflicted, so don’t be surprised if they charge you to sit down to discuss (my exBIL found out the hard way b/c my sister talked to his first choice before he did even though she went with someone else).

      Also, ask your lawyer friends to ask on a no-names basis at their firms if local — I get these all the time and have Opinions about the 3 top people in my city.

   2. Think about how you want it to go, and choose accordingly. I think picking someone who comes off very aggressive is a common mistake. Don’t mistake bravado for skillfulness. Talk to different lawyers. Ask people you trust for referrals. Don’t only talk to people who give free consultations. A very good divorce attorney I know doesn’t give them b/c she finds too many people come to see her when they’re just mad at their spouse and she doesn’t want to waste her time with non-serious clients. But she’s a great lawyer to have in your corner.

   3. I would get advice from the local community about whom you’d want to hire in the case of a nasty, contested divorce and whom you’d want in the case of an amicable divorce — these are two very different attorneys. Then immediately interview each. You’ll pay for both appointments at an hourly rate. Then put down a retainer with and hire the amicable attorney to start the negotiations. The “nasty” attorney will be conflicted out of helping your spouse at any point, and if the negotiations turn nasty, you’ll be able to return to him/her.

      1. This. We ultimately decided not to divorce (and did some serious counseling) but I took the advice of this board and ‘conflicted out’ the two most shark-like divorce attorneys in our area before I even agreed to participate in counseling. Women I know who went through a divorce advised me that the man you marry is not always the man you divorce, and to protect yourself and your kids first, and I took that to heart.

   4. It’s all about personal referrals.

      1. OP here. Unfortunately, I don’t have any close friends who have divorced. I have one- but he did it in a different state, and didn’t have kids, so can’t help here.

         No cheating or abuse- just feeling like it’s not working. More a dawning realization that if I am doing all the childcare, being spoken to unkindly, and have the means to support myself… I am feeling I’m better off without him, but would not like it to be acrimonious.

         1. Oh I mean 100% get your divorce!! Do you know anyone who is a lawyer? Or just ask us!!

         2. Do you have any friends that are lawyers? Ask them and be upfront that there are $$$ involved. Most of us have a list of here are the “your first marriage, relatively simple” divorce lawyers and the much more expensive divorce lawyers (aka the partner-level divorce lawyers). And, we generally have no shame asking others in our circle for their recommendations.

         3. Location?

            1. Yeah OP, I’d post your location. I needed a lawyer once in another state (long, longggg story) and a member of this community came through with a referral for the lawyer I ultimately hired.

         4. Agree- post a location here (if willing). Also join local Facebook groups and search/post anonymously for recommendations. (I’m a physician so I get all sorts of recommendations from our local Facebook group from acquaintances)

   5. Try the Thirtyish community on Facebook (by Abra Belke/caphillstyle) if you need to find a referral in your locale

   6. Maybe join the local moms facebook group and ask for referrals there if you don’t have any other sources of personal recommendations? I imagine any moms group includes people who have used a good divorce lawyer.

   7. Ask your professional female friends for recs and referrals. Even if they are not divorced, they will know someone who has been. In my experience, the women in my extended social circles gravitated towards the same divorce attorney in town. She was the one I picked sa well. (We are all working professional women with similar circumstances re: custody and assets.) If you are a lawyer, your firm probably has a list of family lawyers to refer clients to.

      1. It’s true about the circle of friends. One of my friends just let me know she’s divorcing her lying, cheating, POS husband. They wanted to go amicable and he at least gave lip service to the idea, but she has now found he is trying to hide money from her (HER money if you want to get technical – she was always the earner and some of the stuff that he was trying to re-title into his name were her sole and separate premarital assets) so she asked her closest friends to ask our circles for recs.

         I sent a text to about 8 of my good friends and got back 5 good recommendations. Most of these women are not divorced themselves, but we all know someone who has been through it.

         Ask your friends to do the same for you.

   8. There are two vectors you need to think about: 1) complexity of the estate and 2) contemptuousness of the divorce. Sounds like 1 is high; is 2 high as well? If not, a sophisticated mediator with an assist from a trusts and estates lawyer may be your best bet.

7. To the person who posted late yesterday about flights- yes, the business travelers are busy on the early morning and late flights, even on days you wouldn’t think of for business travel (like- Wednesday early AM). I suspect this is because there are fewer days of meetings and so people are more likely to travel for a single overnight than the usual M-Th shuffle.

   We haven’t found any particular rhyme or reason to timing a leisure trip to have a plane that’s not nearly-full. Guessing this is because with the rise of remote work, people take advantage of less-expensive flights midweek. But, you can get a decent sense of demand by eyeing the seating chart, particularly if you’re booking on shorter notice.

   If you’re worried about having more air or space and minimizing your time on the plane, cough up the extra $ to buy a bulkhead seat (Main Cabin Extra on AA, etc).

   1. Yeah you have to assume every seat on every flight will be full. Demand is back and supply is not.

      1. We have some frequent travelers in my company who are back on a full travel schedule and they are reporting that the flights they are on, even redeyes or very early/late flights, are almost always completely full with standby lists. Some of them used to “hop” from city to city as needed – they’d get to a city, spend whatever time they needed to there, and just catch a flight to their next city without a lot of advance planning. They can’t do that now; if their flights aren’t booked in advance they can’t get seats. I don’t think half-full or mostly-empty flights are going to be a thing for awhile.

8. I have a companywide social event coming up in the SEUS in June. This is the first time I’ll be meeting pretty much all of my colleagues. We are a casual startup so it’s definitely casual dress code. I’m a slight pear and run hot but still want to look professional because I’m a manager.
   Any outfit suggestions? I’m down for a dress since it will be swampy.

   1. What’s the venue? I bought this very pretty smocked midi dress from Uniqlo that I can wear a real bra with and I think looks nice and breezy.

      1. It’s a brewpub. I will be in the office that morning so also appreciate thoughts on jeans + top outfit for that.
         Other relevant fact, I’m a 30yo mom to a baby so not trying to be too trendy or too clingy in the postpartum belly area.

         1. I definitely think an a-line, shift, or shirtdress style with a defined waist will be your friend here. I always find dresses more comfortable in hot weather vs. jeans. If you don’t mind spending a bit more, Lily Pullitzer dresses are very comfortable, well made, and many are washable. If you’re in the SEUS I would guess you’d be able to wear them often for other purposes too.

            1. Lilly athletic items for golf will be cute and wicking and have pockets. Also Althea city wear if that is more your speed. Wicking and goes into the office nicely.

   2. Will you be outside un-airconditioned? I’d go with either a shirt dress or an a-line dress in a natural fiber (cotton, linen, etc.). I just got the eyelet dress below and it’s very cute. I am adding another button as it gapes a bit more than I’m comfortable with for work-wear (attending in person meetings in NY in July and anticipating needing something nice for evening dinners out without melting).
      https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/dresses/casual-dresses/eyelet-puff-sleeve-dress/BF885?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=black&colorProductCode=BF885

   3. Boden has a couple of linen options right now that I like (also in the swampy SEUS). There’s a tiered linen dress and a smocked linen shirt dress. I feel like both would work for this. I personally like them with wedges, but I think cute sandals could also work for your venue.

   4. OP, you mentioned the event is at a brew pub. You might check their seating style before you make a decision on a dress or jeans. I wore a dress to a brew pub recently that only had long picnic tables and benches. It was kind of awkward to climb onto the bench in between people.

9. Tips for actual garden management? We moved to a house with a large mature, but fairly high maintenance garden. Not a huge lawn, but lots of plants, and dandelion problem. 6 months later, I got a job in another city. My travel back and forth is heaviest September – March, so the quieter months in the garden, but I’m struggling to keep up with the weeding and general maintenance.
   Cashwise, we can’t justify a gardener at the moment and I truly love being out in the dirt. Days are long here over the summer, so I could do an hour or two of weeding after bedtime, but I’m finding myself a bit overwhelmed.

   1. Can you use dense ground cover to help keep down the weeds? Something like iceplant?

   2. Apply Preen in your flower beds to keep weeds from germinating.

      Dandelions are wonderful for bees! They’re one of the first sources of pollen to open up.

   3. So complex gardens with lots of plants are beautiful, but they can require a lot of work depending on the types of plants. We moved into a house where the previous owners had done a ton of work on the yard/garden and planted a bunch of delicate, high-maintenance, non-native species that required a ton of watering, the correct fertilizer applied at the correct times, etc. When we met our new neighbors, everyone raved about how beautiful the yard was, but our next-door neighbor said the previous owners were in the yard literally every day doing something. Even if we had the time for that, I don’t have the motivation.

      We went through one year with the yard as-is, doing basic maintenance and letting the (very advanced) drip irrigation system do the watering. At the end of that year, some things did not make it. I ripped out dead/dying plants and started replacing with native species that were going to need a minimum of intervention on my part to grow, be healthy, and thrive. For us that was things like native yarrow, different types of drought-tolerant sedum groundcovers, herbs like sage and rosemary, etc. I am a big fan of perennials that will come back year over year without me having to replant and I prioritized buying those at the greenhouse.

      Now, four years later, we’ve got more of a natural/wild thing going on in the yard – no more meticulously manicured English garden in the desert West – but it’s low maintenance, low-water-use and we like it fine.

      I would look into environmentally-friendly chemical control for the dandelions or consider clovering over your grass or rocking it in, depending on your aesthetic preferences. Grass is always going to be maintenance – watering, weeding, mowing.

      Also, in regards to paying someone: I don’t have a regular gardener but I do have someone come in spring and fall to do leaf cleanup and hedge/low tree trimming. I pay about $250 a visit and after they leave, the yard is pristine. It doesn’t stay pristine long, but you’ll be amazed at how just twice-a-year comprehensive cleanup makes a huge difference in keeping things tidy and minimizing buildup of conifer needles, dead leaves, etc. We are due for our spring cleaning (I wait for the spring winds to die down before having the service come) and right now the untidiness is at its max, but still not that bad because the service dealt with the fall stuff in November. I resonate with the “being out in the dirt” feeling and would never have a service plant my tomatoes or do regular maintenance – doing those things gets me outside, helps me feel connected with the Earth, and relieves my stress. But that doesn’t extend to exhausting myself raking all the leaves out from under our hedges and it’s nice to have that done by someone else. You might be able to get by with a once-a-year, twice-a-year, or quarterly cleanup – worth having a landscaping company come out and take a look.

      1. Oh that is super helpful, thanks. The previous owners were in their 80s and in the garden from dawn to dusk, planting truckloads of annuals, and we don’t have the time or budget for it. I think it’s wise advice to kind of let things settle and slowly replace as things die off. We used a lot of green manure and wildflower mixes in our old tiny flat garden and I loved the wilder look. Luckily I’m in Scotland so watering regularly isn’t a crucial thing.

   4. Heavy mulching could help cut down with weeds. Also, like another mentioned, committing to a groundcover that works for your climate. Also, maybe you can’t afford a gardener – but could you pay a neighborhood kid to weed/do other tasks every once and a while? Especially during the summer.

      1. I wish that that was true for me — our clay soil is so poor that the mulch is an anchor for some weird things that always take up and grow like wild.

   5. I know you said you can’t afford a gardener but what I am suggesting is not quite that. We hire a father-son team once a year for a Spring clean-up. They cut out and weed the beds, apply mulch, clean up leaves left over from the Fall, and just leave everything looking great. They do in a day what used to take me several weeks of getting to it as I was able and it never looked nearly as good. And as I’ve aged, while I enjoy the work, it became harder to keep up with the bigger jobs. From there, my maintenance is pretty easy for the rest of the growing season.

      1. +1. Do a one-time cleanup and it’ll be so much easier to manage. Plus it frees up your time to do the fun stuff.

      2. I need to do this. How did you find them?

         1. Most of the landscaping companies around me will do a spring cleanup, but may have limited availability if they’re prioritizing existing clients. Maybe just start calling around or checking your local FB/etc. groups for companies with availability.

            1. I’ll try that! I was thinking that landscaping was a season long commitment, but if I can find somebody, that would really help.

         2. I found our guy on our neighborhood facebook page.

      3. The handy young women next door did ours for some extra cash!

   6. Yeah, reframe your thinking around dandelions. They are flowers in your lawn, that’s awesome! And they feed the bees! For weeds in the garden, put down several layers of newspaper under a few inches of compost to mulch the garden beds – the newspaper will block weed seeds from sprouting and break down over time. Same concept as weed cloth, but without the long term downsides.

   7. Presumably you’re saying after bedtime because of your child but can’t your child play in the garden and pull a few weeds with you?

      I have really slacked off this year but generally it’s weekend mornings for me – an hour-ish pulling weeds while it’s still cool and a bit shady.

      I visited my friend’s house recently and saw his gorgeous newly redone landscaping – all mulch and drought tolerant plants and flagstones (Bay Area) -and I of course asked about weeds. He admitted his wife does 15-30 minutes of weeding every single day without fail. If I could go back in time and make it 15-30 minutes a day rather than the several hours my neglect is going to cause now, I’d do it!

      1. My son is a great little garden helper, and I think I need to get back in the routine of doing weeding for 10 minutes after I do the school run or when we get home so I feel less overwhelmed. I’ve got a box for the front garden so my tools are accessible.

   8. Mulch and plant lots of stuff to crowd out weeds. I have a giant garden (require 20 yards of mulch to give you an idea) and my cottage style beds are mostly maintenance-free once they fill out for summer.

10. What would you all wear to an outdoor wedding at a brewery including shoes? Invite says cocktail attire. I was thinking a jumpsuit but with a floral or other colorful design and flat sandals but would to love hear any of your ideas as I haven’t gone to a wedding in 2 years and have never been to one at a brewery/vineyard (though I have been to a vineyard/brewery in the last 2 years but I wear super casual outfits).

    1. That is a weird dress code for a brewery IMO! I think your outfit sounds fine although I personally prefer wedges with jumpsuits to elongate me (5’4” lady here). I could see a hi-lo dress with wedges working here too. I also think you can take an in between outfit and dress it up to cocktail with some eye catching jewelry and shoes.

       1. Disagree that the dress code is weird for the venu! Many breweries have beautiful event spaces and many are located on beautiful pieces of land (some of the NoVa breweries have beautiful views!)

          1. Fair. In my head the pretty ones are the wineries! In my area, most breweries do not have outdoor spaces/are giant warehouses and have games like axe throwing and giant connect four. All very fun but not something I think of when I think cocktail attire!

             1. I’ve also been to some beautiful weddings in warehouses converted into event spaces

             2. Alright alright alright, warehouses and breweries are great for cocktail attire. Good grief. No idea that my opinion re attire in breweries based on my own lived experiences would be so controversial! Lordy.

             3. The brewery is very casual and they said it’d be a rustic space and there is outdoor space that will be nice but I’m with you and why I asked the question in the first place–just trying to envision cocktail attire with the right shoes that can go from grassy to pavilion to barn and most likely will need to buy something new but just don’t know what exactly.

       2. I dont think so? Cocktail is generally the most casual listed dress code for weddings, so makes sense for a more casual venue.

    2. A cocktail dress

       1. +1 The couple said cocktail attire – be thankful they gave straightforward instructions and not “elevated brew pub” or “vineyard elegant” or something else they invented to be cute.

          1. Lol true.

       2. +1

    3. If the invite says cocktail, then I would wear whatever I traditionally wear to weddings with that dress. For me, that would be a cocktail dress. A floral jumpsuit and flat sandals sounds a tad casual. I don’t think the fact that it’s at a brewery really would change anything except perhaps shoes. You say you’ve been there before so you know if there is a need to avoid certain shoes.

       1. +1

          I’ve been to plenty of cocktail attire brewery/vineyard/converted warehouse weddings and women are in cocktail dresses and men are in suits.

          I would wear cocktail dress and wedges, breweries are generally indoors with concrete floors, and outdoor space is probably a patio or deck, so you should be fine in any footwear.

    4. Thanks all! So their website does recommend wearing flats or wedges because it’s rustic. Sounds like the wedding will take place in different parts: grassy area, outdoor pavilion and a barn. I do think it’ll be a nice event space. I’m just having a hard time envisioning a cocktail dress with flats or wedges or at least envisioning it with the stuff I already own so maybe I just need to find more dressier flats/wedges that can go with a cocktail dress. Open to any recommendations people have!

       1. I think a good option would be a lower chunky block heel – there are tons of those around right now!

          1. Thank you! Will look into those.

          2. +1 – these are a little funky but I’m a sucker for tortoiseshell: https://www.6pm.com/p/dolce-vita-netra-tortoise-vinyl/product/9502442/color/121693

             1. And I think a jumpsuit is fine, as long as you avoid more casual elements (smocking, drawstrings, etc). Here are a few from Macys:

                https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-sleeveless-jumpsuit?ID=12615007&CategoryID=50684
                https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-womens-tie-waist-jumpsuit?ID=13227341&CategoryID=50684
                https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-one-shoulder-jumpsuit?ID=13426349&CategoryID=50684

             2. Thanks for the links to the shoes and jumpsuits! I like the suggestions!!!

          3. Check Talbots or Ann Taylor – Both usually have block heel sandals that are really pretty and would possibly work. I know Talbots has some in their spring catalog, but not sure what the selection is. I know last summer I was looking for some and they seemed to sell out pretty quick.

             1. Thanks for the store recommendations. Will try those!

    5. I don’t think a jumpsuit is cocktail attire? Maybe I’m just old. But I’d wear a cocktail dress and heels. /shrug.

       1. I’ve seen several dressy jumpsuits at cocktail attire weddings recently!

       2. There are definitely cocktail jumpsuits, in fact I’m sure they were recommended by folks here all the time.

    6. Farm Rio has dresses that would fit the bill. (You can find them on sale or via a second hand reseller.) I would wear one of those with wedges.

       1. Love Farm Rio for this, especially in the summer.

       2. Oh wow, I’d never checked them out before. I love their designs! Thank you!

    7. I would wear one of Reformation’s nicer midi dresses, which I think would land on the more casual side of cocktail, with their Borgia wedge sandal and nicer jewelry to dress it up.

       1. Thank you! I like this idea! And thank you for the specific shoe recommendation.

    8. They said cocktail attire. Respect that.

11. I’m a few months out from moving into my first apartment without roommates! What did you wish you knew before living alone? I’m an ambivert so can’t tell if I’m going to love it or hate it yet…

    1. You will love it.

       1. +1. I have only lived truly alone for three months of my life – had a summer job on campus, my roommates went home – and it. was. amazing.

    2. Living alone is the best. Get a good tool kit so you can fix minor problems, assemble furniture, etc. And don’t rush to decorate and furnish all at once. Live there for a bit to figure out what you really like and need.

    3. I wish I’d known that I’d never want to go back! Moved out from living with my last set of strangers (conspiracy theorists who liked to behave as if they had the flat to themselves, once walked in on the husband playing didgeridoo in the bath – not a euphemism) when I turned 23. More than a half-decade later – including 18 months of extreme isolation due to WFH during the lockdowns – and I still love it, but it’s a huge adjustment now I have a boyfriend who’s here a lot and I have to learn to share space again!

       1. The bathroom has the best acoustics thanks to all that tile. :-)
          Signed, a former musician who grew up in a cramped house.
          PS, living alone is awesome.

          1. Yes but either keep your clothes on or lock the door! Basic housemate etiquette. I will put them in a novel one day…

             1. HAHA so your conspiracy theorist roommate was playing didgeridoo naked in the unlocked bathroom – yes, this needs to be a short story at least!

             2. Mostly submerged in a bubble bath, thank goodness! End of the didgeridoo was resting on the bath taps (faucet)…!

             3. LMAO… I didn’t realize it was nekkid playing!

             4. Jayne, go play with your rain stick.

    4. The good news is that it is the best thing ever. I am super extroverted and moved into my own place about a year ago after seven years of roommates and it’s been amazing.

       One thing that I would suggested, if you can afford it, is to schedule a cleaning service to come at least twice a year. The cleaning became a little overwhelming for me–you’d think because it’s only you that the mess would be reduced but you’d be surprised, especially if you entertain or have a partner who comes over a lot.

       Only other advice is to get a mini coffee pot like they have in hotel rooms so you’re not constantly throwing out half filled regular sized pots of coffee.

       Other than that, enjoy! You are really going to love it.

    5. I LOVED living alone. I love my husband forever, but I miss it.

    6. There is nothing about you new living condition that dictates introvert vs extrovert. Rock you ambi!

       I’m an outgoing and social introvert, and I love being able to recharge at home, on my own terns, and then go back out for new impulses. Best of both worlds, if you can find you I love myself and this chill at home.

12. We have been invited to a cocktail party to celebrate a milestone anniversary for a show on our local public radio station. They requested everyone dress to the theme of the show (50’s exotica music). I have a dress, black bodice with red with white polka dots full skirt. I’m going to wear black wedges.

    What accessories should I wear? Is this the time to pull out the pearls?

    1. Yes. Pearls with a red lipstick, like Urban Decay F Bomb!

       1. Or a vintage lipstick shade like Cherries in the Snow.

          Yes to all the pearls.

          50s exotica music is so niche, my husband is super into it – I love that being the theme!

          1. There’s a chance he listens to the show, especially if he has Sirius XM. It’s called The Retro Cocktail Hour and is being syndicated on satellite radio now.

             1. All the Martin Denny, all the time!

                We don’t have Sirius, but my husband has curated his own collection. He used to burn CDs, now it’s playlists, but a lot of the music isn’t available places like iTunes, so he has an iPod with MP4s he recorded himself from vinyl or downloaded from other sources. He’s very high maintenance about the whole thing!

    2. Or big plastic red and chunky “pearls”.

13. How do you keep the world from dragging you down? A tragedy is unfolding in a family that I barely know, but is extremely close to some of my own friends. I find it especially heartbreaking because the mom is my age and will leave behind two girls close to my own daughter’s age. I really have no right to be upset because I only interact with this family on a very superficial basis, but I find myself constantly distracted by thoughts of them and what they must be going through. Other than channeling my energy into making casseroles and being there to support my friends in their grief, how can I put this aside and focus on work etc.?

    1. I think it’s pretty normal for this stuff to hit you hard when you’re a parent. I have a high school classmate and Facebook friend who lost a preschool-age child to cancer and even though I really didn’t know the mom well and had never met the child, I felt very consumed by grief in the last month when she was sharing constant updates about the child’s deteriorating condition. Assume you’re not being publicly performative about it and expecting people who are closer to the family to console you, I don’t think it matters whether you have a “right” to grief. If you’re sad, you’re sad.

    2. I pray for the people who are being impacted by tragedy, and I do what I can to help however I can, whether that’s donating money, food, etc.

       Other than that I try to sit with the knowledge that sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason, and looking for some kind of justification, explanation or reasoning in what happens in life is usually a fruitless exercise. People have been trying to explain why tragedies occur randomly or to people who don’t deserve it since pre-Biblical times, and we still don’t have an answer. I pray for the people experiencing the tragedy and I ask God to protect my family, and keep us from harm. Not much else to do, IMO, and my focusing on the situation to the exclusion of being present in my own life isn’t going to help the family experiencing the tragedy.

    3. Well the good news is that you’re an extremely empathetic person. All you can do is offer to help in some small way since you don’t really know them – contribute to a go fund me, offer to make food or to add the kids to your carpool etc. do not burden people closer to the family than you are with how you feel about it (I’ve been the tragedy person, you would not believe how many near-strangers expected me to comfort them!)

    4. I think you lean into your humanity, honestly. Some of this stuff hits differently when it affects someone in your sphere, who is living a similar lifestyle as you are. It’s OK to be sad and distracted!

    5. I think you just do what you can to help and try to be grateful for what you have. This is normal response. I think it’s hard because in some ways you can end up feeling guilty for feeling affected by this when it’s not truly happening to your life, but I would not worry about that. You’re having a perfectly human reaction.

    6. Don’t be a grief tourist. It’s normal to feel empathetic, but remember, it’s not about you.

       1. I think she is asking how to avoid that?

       2. I find this response rude. The poster is clearly an empathetic person who can imagine the feelings associated with this scenario. We can all find reason to reflect on tragedies in the world – people losing their homes in floods and fires, people being attacked in halls of worship, people being bombed by other countries. Not looking away from such things is important, it not only does justice to the victims experience, it reminds us of our fragility and reinforces making choices aligned with our values. That’s not grief tourism that’s having some humanity.

          1. You can find this response rude all you want, but as a cancer patient, I can’t tell you the number of hangers-on who shared my social media posts (hashtag look at me being a good person) or somehow made it about them. If you’re a good friend, it’s a different story. If you’re a friend of a friend, support your friend, not the patient.

             1. I’m sorry you’re going through cancer. But the OP in this post didn’t say she was sharing social media posts with hashtags or making the situation about herself. I believe in the circle of grief theory and agree that an acquaintance shouldn’t be burdening friends and family, let alone the sick person, with their grief. But I don’t think that’s what happening here. It’s not grief tourism to inwardly feel sad about a situation that you’re not close to.

             2. Correct, the OP is going outward by asking and seeking support from an external internet community. Why do people on here Read A and then respond as if the OP did Anti-A?

    7. I really like Kate Bowler right now. She has an instagram and a new book of blessings for when things aren’t going well. She’s Christian but I find a lot of them broadly non-denominational. If you’re into that, I would recommend.

       1. Thank you for this recommendation–her writing looks exactly on point for so many things right now!

    8. Take extra moments with your kids and your family. Really lean into everything about how it feels to be with them. Their laughter, their smell, the little things that make them them. Be super duper extra present. Be there with your family, treasuring everything about being with them.
       When you think of your acquaintance and her situation, you can think “By investing my love and attention into my family I am creating the sorts of memories that last a lifetime.”
       I got to spend a lot of quality time with my dad in the years before he died, and having been present and really lived those moments with him is where i got all my strength to get through the initial grief. Even today I can think of him and feel his presence. When I was younger and he wasn’t around as much I don’t know if I could have said that.

       I don’t know if this will help with focus on work, but it is one way to be engaged with the concept of life.

       1. I love this response!

14. Has the ABA standing committee on judicial nominations ever contacted you for comment on a candidate? Is it appropriate to write something like a recommendation letter? Anything in particular I should focus on?

    1. I have been contacted for a nominee for the federal bench who was a state court judge I practiced in front of pretty regularly in a high-profile case. My understanding is that the judge, who I didn’t know personally, listed my specific case somewhere on his questionnaire and that’s why they reached out. It was just a phone conversation, and they asked me whether I thought the judge was suitable for the federal bench. They asked a bunch of questions about him. It wasn’t a long conversation, and I was very open and honest (good and bad). I wasn’t asked to put anything into writing. Be honest about your assessment of the candidate, including their temperament, positive or negative attributes, etc.

    2. Yes, a partner I worked with was nominated for a federal appellate judgeship. If I recall there was the option to email a response or talk to the committee member. I chose the phone option and we had a 5-10 min convo about the partner. They asked general questions about his integrity, temperament, and my experience working with him. I don’t think you need to spend time drafting a full letter. They contact dozens of people to try to get a full picture of the nominee.

15. Has anyone had any significant symptoms with the Nexplanon? After talking with a new doctor I think some significant weight gain I have had may be due to the implant. But I was under the impression that any weight gain more than a few pounds with birth control was pretty rare.

    1. Yeah I’m skeptical of the studies that reach this conclusion. We know that birth control can increase insulin resistance, for example, so why would the insulin resistance not affect weight?

       I personally get morning sickness on birth control, so I gain weight because I’m eating a bunch of starchy carbs since it’s all I can keep down! But that “doesn’t count” as weight gain from the pill because, I guess, I could have just suffered or lost weight instead.

    2. I’ve had friends with pretty terrible side effects from Nexplanon, especially moodiness/depression. I also don’t think substantial weight gain is particularly rare. Anything that affects your hormones like that can have all types of different impacts on your body.

       Nexplanon has to travel your whole body since it’s in your arm, whereas IUDs are localized and so have less of an impact. I got an IUD a few months ago and haven’t had any side effects other than spottier/longer periods. All of my friends with IUDs have had similar experiences. Most of my friends who tried implants got them taken out for one reason or another.

    3. My PCP says she has seen many cases of weight gain on BC that contains progestin.

    4. Thanks for the thoughts, everyone – I’m actually due to replace my implant and had decided to just remove it to see if anything changes.

16. Breaking: https://www.tallahassee.com/story/news/2022/04/21/charlie-adelson-dan-markel-arrested-murder-charges-broward-county-fsu-adelsons-tallahassee/7393886001/

    1. Wow! Now they just need to get Wendy.

       1. What about Donna? She seems to be the alpha in all of this. Wendy definitely benefitted from all this (but I’m not convinced she knew before it happened). Those poor boys.

          1. And Dan’s parents. Regardless of whether or not Wendy knew about the murder in advance, she’s a terrible person to cut her children off from grandparents. To lose their son to murder and then their grandchildren to the woman whose family hired the contract killers is just….I can’t imagine.

          2. That’s what I’ve heard as well from people closer than I with this whole horrid tale.

    2. OMG!

17. Would love some recs for a fun day in NYC! Husband and I have 9 hours in New York- we have tickets for the Tenement Museum and Husband would love to walk the Brooklyn Bridge. Any suggestions for tasty food around those areas to check out or other small adventures or stops we can also squeeze in? Coming in and out of Penn Station.
    Thanks!

    1. Sweet sugar sunshine is the best bakery in nyc and is right by the tenement museum.

    2. Get pickles at The Pickle Guys right near the tenement museum just because its not an experience you can get elsewhere.

18. DH just got an email from a friend saying hi i’m engaged and getting married in 7 weeks on a Friday and Saturday. This is going to be a very large wedding and part of it is being held at a popular nyc wedding venue. did people just not book weddings far in advance in nyc due to Covid? i’m shocked you can get a venue on a saturday night at such short notice. i know that an invitation is not a summons, but we’ve already made our summer plans (we have two young kids and live flying distance away) and i would’ve loved to have attended (covid dependent), but need a bit more notice, especially if part of the wedding is taking place in the middle of a workday!

    1. Maybe you were on the B list

       1. i would’ve thought that except a very A list friend told DH they received the same message

       2. I would assume either B list, or the venue had a cancellation and they were able to move up their date ASAP.

    2. It could also be that the venue had a cancellation and the future dates are all booked. The couple has to take the date or wait a very long time.

       1. This is my guess. (Though the other logistics of throwing a huge wedding on 7 weeks’ notice – like dress, florist, photographer, etc – you would think would be equally booked up??)

       2. Yes — options are right now and hustle or . . . 2024?

       3. My guess too.

       4. Yeah, I got a big discount on my wedding that way though the timeline was not that tight!

    3. Yep the venue likely had a cancellation. It’s actually not hard to get married on short notice if you don’t care about the date. My best friend planned a large wedding at a fairly popular venue on two months notice. She just called venues and asked what dates they had in the next few months. Many of them had one or two dates because of cancellations and she took one of those.

    4. Maybe they just found out they’re expecting and moved up the wedding date. Or they’re just super disorganized and failed to send out save the dates and are late on the invites. Or are intentionally trying to keep it small so are sending late invites. Or just wanted to do a quick wedding for other reasons (important family member is terminally ill, or important family member is in the military and deploying soon, for example). The email invite instead of paper in the mail makes me think any of these possibilities could be true. I think the conventional wisdom is that invites usually go out around 10-12 weeks before a wedding with most couples doing a save the date earlier, so you are right that this is very short notice.

       1. yea its weird. they live abroad but are getting married in the U.S. there is a ceremony/reception on Friday and another one on Saturday for the two different religions/cultures at two different venues (one in NYC and one in NJ). DH is now insisting we go and the flights are a fortune, and the logistics are complicated. Maybe men are different, but DH keeps saying he is a close friend and while yes, they were close at one point in time, they haven’t talked in ages. There doesn’t seem to be a hotel block nor do they seem to be providing transportation between these different locations and the date is tricky from a covid perspective because my sister is due with a baby soon after and i’m supposed to go visit to help her.

          1. Send your husband then.

          2. Seems like DH should go alone.

          3. Agreed, your DH should go alone.

          4. I think a lot of men are like this. My husband will talk about “one of his best friends” who he grew up with, but they text maybe 2-3 times a year and see each other in person every 2-3 years.

             1. Not just men. I consider my high school BFF one of my best friends. We text more than 3 times a year, but live on different continents and haven’t seen each other since 2019. To me, best friend is about your loyalty to the person and the extent to which you would be willing to go out of your way to help them, not how often you see someone.

    5. I feel like when people plan their own weddings is their own business, esp given the Covid era. The venue may have had a late opening. Or maybe they could get a big discount if they went for the earlier date. Or maybe it was the only date available this summer when they tried to plan out farther. Or maybe their budget didn’t allow many guests and someone else cancelled. Or perhaps they are juggling things they don’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) announce (the bride being pregnant, a family member starting cancer treatment or having a serious progressive illness, etc.)

       Either go or don’t go. I understand the disappointment. But I also don’t think it’s fair to judge or crowdsource the level of insult to your (and others’) summer plans.

       Maybe I’m sensitive on this, but I almost changed my own wedding date to a miserable time of year because my husband was fussing about a marathon a friend was running that conflicted. I’m so incredibly glad we didn’t. Mind you, we’re 16 years married now and he and the friend have caught up only a handful of times and not always gotten together even when the friend is in town (because one or the other has other priorities).

       1. Plus all the made up, imaginary internet points to your second paragraph.

    6. I mean 7 weeks is totally reasonable. Having kids is a weird thing to bring into this.

       1. In their defense, I will note that my mom friends with school-aged kids plan their summers out around Christmas to make sure that kids get into the camps they need or are on vacation or with grandparents b/c working parents still have to work when school is out. These women could have done the D-Day invasion.

          1. We all have lives

          2. Can someone explain to me the cultural reference around “These women could have done the D-Day invasion”…

             1. They are really good planners and can handle lots of moving parts.

          3. I get it. Back when I had two kids to get through the summer via summer camps, I employed all my organizational skills. I often said I deserved an honorary master’s degree in Operations Research.

             That said, I think you rearrange plans for a best friend’s wedding.

          4. Sure, but I don’t think it is insensitive for people to plan a wedding during the summer (even on a weekday, even with late notice invitations) to not take summer camp into account.

             1. It’s not insensitive of them to plan a wedding whenever they please. It just might be unreasonable of OP’s husband to expect that they will drop everything to attend, though.

          5. A weekend away doesn’t change any of that. If you leave on Thursday night for the wedding, you still need camp M, T, W. Maybe it’s tough if you picked a certain week to do a certain camp that’s a lot of fun, and your kids aren’t getting the full week, but that’s why you send the husband alone to the wedding.

       2. Not at all. OP and her husband have likely planned their entire summer, put down camp deposits, and budgeted child care and travel money and vacation days. Even if they had money and vacation time to spare on a last-minute wedding, they’d have difficulty finding someone to leave the kids with.

    7. In this case I’d have to assume other factors weighed into their consideration … If they’d secured this slot a few weeks ago I’d think they’d have notified earlier as well. I would be surprised that I hadn’t heard of the engagement but then again in COVID it’s so hard to keep in touch. I think this is just going to be an unfortunate circumstance especially if something like the weekday is an issue for you (as it would for others that do not live in the same place).

    8. Thinking back to the planning of my own wedding, there is no perfect date that works for everyone, no perfect venue, no perfect guest list. It’s totally possible that there are family members who are being ridiculous about who gets invited and not (even my own generally-reasonable mother wanted me to invite cousins I.had.never.met.in.my.entire.life), the venue had a late cancellation, there was a last-minute cash infusion, etc. Also if someone is coming in on a fiance visa, there is a limited amount of time to get married so 7 weeks’ notice is the best they can do under the circumstances.

       Also, I think even with a close friend, a lot of guys are terrible about remembering to do basic social things and given that it is 2022, their fiancees aren’t letting them off the hook. My spouse had to invite a few people late in the process because he hadn’t managed to get their mailing addresses when I sent out the first batch of invites. Am I mean? Absolutely. It took him a while to catch on that I meant what I said about social obligations, but he’s learning.

       1. My mom, rest her soul, kept casually inviting relatives to my 30 person wedding.

          I said, “Mom, stop inviting people to my wedding! We have a guest list that we worked really hard to narrow down!”

          And she said, “I don’t know what the big deal is, they’re just family.”

    9. It sounds like they have international friends and family, and there just isn’t going to be the perfect place and time to have a wedding everyone can attend. Maybe they have elderly relatives they want to attend, maybe they want to have their own children soon, maybe they just really want to be married now and not wait another year or two. I completely understand it is frustrating to have short notice, but I don’t think they intended to offend you with their wedding plans.

    10. I don’t think two months is a terribly fast turnaround. I know we’ve become used to engagements that last a year or longer but I wouldn’t be surprised if that goes out of favor post-Covid. It’s hard to see around corners that far out, as lots of couples have experienced. And most people are living together, sometimes for years and years, before they get engaged, what is the actual point of waiting so long to marry? You’re supposed to get engaged because you want to be married not because you’re tired of calling someone your bf/gf but you’re not ready to marry them.

    11. Huh? What’s the issue? Emily Post says wedding invites go out 6-8 weeks before a wedding, this is right in there. I think it’s a little nuts to expect more notice than that.

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