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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 224 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Cheyenne Pump

Coffee Break

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Pour La Victoire CheyenneThese cute strappy pumps first caught my eye over at Shopbop, where they're full price at $235. They're a bit high (3.75″) but I can see them being great for the right woman (and the appropriately subdued outfit, since they are a bit sexy). They're on sale at a bunch of places in limited sizes — Zappos has this marble snake (pictured) for $179; 6pm also has a black patent and a gold (not for work but great for the weekend) for $142-$160; Piperlime has very limited sizes in both black and gold for $118-$125. Pour La Victoire Cheyenne (L-6) Update re: tech problems: I thought I had all this stuff fixed, but I just got another email from a reader saying the site is frozen on our post from 3/4 for her. If you're having problems, please describe it below as well as your OS/browser… thank you in advance, you guys! Update re: tech problems, 5PM: Ok — I just made a few changes on the back end. Let me know if you guys are suddenly having problems tonight (or if problems you WERE having suddenly disappeared)… TIA!

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. anon for this

    Regular poster going anon for a moment. How do you deal with toxic forces in your life? I think I’ve gotten pretty good at controlling how they affect me financially and emotionally, but I have a strange one… My sister has been seriously dating, and is planning to marry, a man. I don’t like Man, but my sister and I have different tastes, and that’s not my problem. My problem is that I’m a corporate attorney who practices a bit in the hedge fund/alternative investment world, and this guy is a convicted white collar criminal. Man defrauded investors, lots 95% of their money, lied to them and the government, stole company property by deeding it for $1 to his wife, etc. This was not a one-time thing, Man messed up so bad that he was up for 80 years of sentencing, plus the SEC brought proceedings. He got a very, very well-known defense lawyer and worked it down to less than 10 years (less with good behavior).

    I was already dismayed my sister was dating this (still married and 16 years her senior) d**che, but now I honestly don’t know if I can spend time with him without potentially compromising my career. Thoughts?

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Aside from finding him personally abhorrent, I don’t know how simply spending time with him at family events compromises your career. Just steer clear of hedge fund and investment conversations, and if you’d prefer, stay out of, or stand far away from him in photographs that might end up distributed. If it ever comes up, you can say, “Oh, John Q is my brother in law but we are not close and don’t see each other often.”

      • IMMJ

        Ditto to what momentsofabsurdity said. And you can also tell people that you can choose your friends but not your relatives.

      • Ellen

        Nice pump’s, but I have fat calve’s and my ankles look a little funny being exposed with these type of pump’s. But they are cute for a thinner person.

        As to the OP, I think everyone is different, but this guy sound’s like alot of troubel in the makeing! Guy’s like that are VERY smooth talker’s and can CAJOLE a person into doeing alot of things you can regret. If your sister is BOLLED over by this guy do NOT be surprised, b/c he is a fast smoothe talker. FOOEY on men like that b/c they PRIDE themselfes literally in bieng abel to talk a girl out of her pantie’s. DOUBEL FOOEY on Alan and men like him, b/c often they just burpe and walk away.

        If I were to be safe, I would get him to sign a CONTRACT stateing that if he was to marry your sister and she was NOT happy, that he would agree to walk away with NO property settelment and without askeing her for any spouseal suport b/c guy’s like that usueally have a price for them to walk. The manageing partner had to arrange such a payment b/f he could marry Margie, b/c she got married right out of college to a guy like him, and he knew she wanted out after she met the manageing partner. I think the manageing partner may have some idea’s so I will ask him if your interested.

    • Yellow

      If he’s still married but your sister is planning on marrying him, I’d say there’s a LOT that has to happen before this guy is even realistically almost your brother in law. Don’t worry about it now, because the situation of a married man promising the marry his girlfriend seems like it very rarely actually works out.

      I’d try to keep your disapproval from your sister so you can be there for her if her relationship doesn’t work out and would keep your distance from him for now. Don’t waste your worries until he’s divorced, there’s a formal engagement, and a wedding date is set.

      • anon for this

        To be honest, I’m not sure it’s better to have him in the family via him having my sister as a mistress than as a wife. They have lived together for a year.

        But, yes, I’ve tried explaining to my sister that he hasn’t even divorced his current wife, despite separation, so she should not bet on him.

  2. Gift Ideas

    Ok ladies, I am having trouble coming up with inspiration. My law student sister (early 20s) has an upcoming birthday. Would love to hear some gift ideas! (Budget $100 or less.) TIA!

    • Greener Apple

      My last three presents to my sister, each around the $100 mark: a haircut, a massage, and eye cream.

      • wintergreen126

        I think a gift certificate for a massage would be great. It’s a nice way to relax when school has been really stressful.

    • AIMS

      Honestly, when I was in law school, I really liked getting gift cards to stores I liked.

      • CBM

        Completely agree. Starbucks can feel like a real splurge when you’re a student. $100 gets you 25 splurges!

    • Parker - Boardroombelles

      Nice on hear headphones that are comfortable for long library nights
      A Longchamp Pliage Tote (that might be a bit more)
      Theater Tickets
      Second Greener Apple’s: Haircut, Massage, Pedi + Mani, Facials

    • KLG

      Totally second the recommendation for pampering stuff and gift cards to place she liked. All I wanted from my family during law school were gift certificates for mani/pedis, sbux, and iTunes. A massage would have been pretty awesome too.

    • Veronique

      My sister sent me 3 $25 amazon gift cards ($75 total, obv) when I turned 25 in law school. I loved it and used it towards the purchase of a Clarisonic. You can buy almost anything on amazon and students get amazon prime for free.

  3. anon

    Going off of the expensive accessory post, how do I get past imposter syndrome for things like this? H and I are looking at buying a $500,000 house (which I realize isn’t a lot for many people, but it is a nice home in Atlanta). I just can’t bring myself to pull the trigger. We’re very well qualified, have the down payment, house is perfect, but I keep hesitating. I think it’s because I grew up in a $75,000 house, H was in a $30,000 house, so this seems unreal. Not to mention, every time we looked at houses, I was self conscious by the fact that I drive a corolla and H drives a civic (again, couldn’t force ourselves to buy more expensive). Ugh. I can’t imagine a $3,000 handbag even though bonuses easily allow for it.

    • Kerrycontrary

      Do you need all the features of said house? If you could have enough room and the updates/fixtures that you like, could you live in a smaller or less expensive home? I’m just asking because if you would be more comfortable in a less expensive home then buy a less expensive home (if this is possible, I’m not familiar with the atlanta real estate market). There’s nothing wrong with saving money and not spending it on expensive cars and houses. You could even take some more of that money and spend it on an investment property. I think you sound like a very smart couple financially, so trust your instincts.

      • anon

        We looked, the inventory here is just so low, thus was the first one we liked despite looking for months. We’re fine with spending on a house, but something completely irrational is stopping me.

    • anonypotamus

      Just remind yourself that you are paying for things that are important to you. Cars depreciate and are simply modes of transportation. Although some people enjoy driving fancy cars or operate under the sense that a fancy car = better car, that isn’t the case for everyone. I totally get feeling self-conscious, but as long as you are making financially prudent decisions based on your values and your situation, go for it! It’s not worth it to compare your potential new house now with the ones you and H grew up in. Different areas (maybe?), different time, different market, etc. Be happy with where you are now! (But I do totally get it and want to offer commiseration in addition to advice!) Good luck with your decision.

      • anonypotamus

        I just wanted to add – if you don’t want to spend this much money on a house, then don’t! Keep your values and priorities in mind. There is nothing wrong with saving money or using it for something else, and there is also nothing wrong with spending money on a great house.

    • Parker - Boardroombelles

      If you can be happy in a smaller home, unless it is recommended from an investment perspective, I don’t see the need to buy a big one to keep up with Joneses. Only do this if it makes you happy. If this is your dream house and financially you’re well set up for it, then go for it!

        • Anon

          BUY IT.

          :)

          And congratulations on being good with your money – it means you were able to save up and can now enjoy something that you are both really excited about!

          • Houston Attny

            You said it – it’s ‘perfect’ ‘everything we want, exactly where we want it’. Congratulations for finding that! I agree with Anon – feel good because you saved for this and didn’t buy the $3k handbag or expensive car so you could have the perfect house. You aren’t living in excess. You are wise with your money!

    • Brant

      Ugh, i live in a TINY $500,000 home. (no garage! busy road! <1400 sqft! one bathroom!) ::curses boston real estate market:::

      I dream of what this amount of money could buy in the south constantly.

      • Nonny

        Ditto, Pacific NW. I only *wish* that I could buy a house for $500k! Go for it, OP.

    • Anon in NYC

      If you want to spend less on a house, do it. Just because you can spend the money on a house doesn’t mean you have to. Would it make you feel better to buy a 350k house, have a smaller mortgage, and make upgrades over time that make it more “perfect”?

      If you really want the 500k house and are just struggling with the feeling that you are somehow inadequate to own the house because you drive inexpensive cars and otherwise live frugally, just remember that you and your DH have different priorities than other people and it doesn’t make them better/you worse.

    • Pest

      Pull the trigger. What you are experiencing is completely understandable new home purchase jitters, but it is very clear that housing is going to get more expensive very soon. Mortgage interest rates that we have are only going to go up. If you have done your homework and know you will be able to afford the monthly payments and have an emergency fund etc. stop waiting around.

    • Rose in Bloom

      Are you looking ITP? If so, I would definitely say go for it. DH and I are facing similar issues because we want to buy a house in Decatur (currently in a condo there) and it is really hard to find anything less than that in the city limits. Even if you are OTP, the tight inventory means you might be looking for a long while and not find what you want at a lower price.

      • anon

        We really wanted Brookhaven or North Druid Hills, but I hate 60’s ranch style and that was all that was out there. So we gave up on ITP. H works far OTP, so the new location is actually more fair. My drive will typically be around 30 minutes. Not bad, really.

      • anon prof

        Belated reply, but sooo excited to see another Decaturite here!

        OP: $500k for a nice hour in ATL is reasonable. BUY IT!

    • Leslie

      If it suits your needs and you can afford it, why not? If that’s the price of the neighbourhood you want to live in, and you won’t be house-poor, there’s nothing imposter about it. Does a house at this price point allow you to pay off your mortgage in a reasonable time?

      I know nothing of the Atlanta market – in my neck of the woods, 500k buys a nice house in the suburbs (2500 s.f., 4 beds, 4 baths, small lot), but in the city, it doesn’t go very far (think semi-detached, 3 bed, 1 bath, no basement).

    • Lin

      Anon, you said “I think it’s because I grew up in a $75,000 house, H was in a $30,000 house, so this seems unreal” but what are those houses “worth” (i.e. how much would you have to spend on them) now? House prices have gone up everywhere in time…even counting the recent crash.

  4. AIMS

    I like these shoes, but I think they’d probably be better with pants than skirt/dress in terms of workplace appropriateness reasons. At least in my workplace.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      I completely agree — if they go on sale for slightly less, I will purchase. I will only wear them with pants, though. I like the hint of sexiness they would bring with a sedate black or grey pantsuit.

      • Spends too much time looking at shoes online

        Tahari has a very similar style in patent leather and at a much cheaper price point. Just search for “tahari annabelle” on DSW.

  5. NOLA

    I had an interesting experience yesterday. A girlfriend of mine was visiting from out of state. When she was living here, we were shopping buddies and often bought the same clothes and shoes. It got funny because we’d show up at church in the same sweater in two different colors. Anyway, we spent the afternoon together walking around the mall yesterday. She bought 3 pairs of shoes (on sale! so cheap!) and several items of clothing. I bought a scarf and makeup that I needed to replenish. She was shocked that I have 4 Kate Spade bags and that I would wear Michael Kors shoes (she thinks they’re out of her price range). But I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I’m buying fewer items but of higher quality and rarely from the mall. I’m assuming it is all due to the influence of this site. Anybody else noticed this?

    • Anon

      In high school I had friends who would comment on the fact that my mom would let me get higher-end clothing (theory, elie tahari, milly, nanette lepore) that seemed really pricey given our age. But I would have a small closet full of timeless things that I absolutely adored (and I still wear probably 75% of the items I got my junior and senior year of high school 8 years later). My friends would have closets bursting at the seams with clothing but would constantly complain that they had nothing to wear because they were only shopping the sales racks, or were raiding Forever 21.

      I really really believe in quality things that you are excited to wear over quantity. Thank you mom for that lesson early on!

    • SFBayA

      I don’t think it’s only due to the influence of this site. As I’ve gotten older and gained experience in my career, the interest I have in fast fashion/throwaway clothing is approaching zero. I’m still wearing Boss Black skirts that I bought when I was a summer. I’d rather have many fewer pieces of good quality then twenty skirts to pick from every morning. But I’m boring like that.

    • Anon in NYC

      I’ve noticed a change in my buying habits from my early twenties (inexpensive! quantity!) to my early thirties (quality! fewer items!), but I can’t attribute it solely to this site (although it has influenced me). I think that some of the messages about quality versus quantity have sunk in, but I also think that I’ve realized how much easier my life is when I have something of a uniform, the confidence I feel when I know that something looks good on me, and how much nicer it is to get dressed in the morning when you can easily see what you own. Also, my tolerance for shopping has dropped dramatically. This site definitely fueled a love affair with Nordstrom’s.

      I still have my fair share of items that are less-than-ideal, but I’m looking forward to the day where I can wake up and not have to think about my outfit at all.

    • anon

      Yeah, I’m not in that place yet. Still making saving a priority! I never buy designer items. Just a different perspective, since there seems to be an assumption that women on this site buy expensive items and have high salaries.

      • TO Lawyer

        But I don’t think the issue is spending vs. saving. I think it’s quality over quantity. And no one is saying designer necessarily equals quality but just that there is, for better or worse, some judgment over spending X amount on one item of clothing but those doing the judging may fail to realize that we’re spending the same amount or close to it, but getting things that will last for years.

      • a.

        I don’t buy a lot of clothes, but when I do, they’re usually from the H&Ms and Zaras of this world…because that’s what I can afford. I do check individual pieces for quality, and don’t buy them if they seem like they’re going to fall apart after a season of wear.

        There are, no doubt, a lot of extremely valid criticisms of fast fashion chains. But I always wonder, where else is a recent grad making a pittance, who nonetheless cares about the way she looks, supposed to shop? A good chunk of my wardrobe is thrifted, but it’s not always easy to find specific wardrobe-fillers, e.g. dark-wash skinny jeans that fit, in thrift stores. And I would rather scrimp and save to fund my IRA, than scrimp and save for a skirt from Nanette Lepore (whose clothes I love, by the way; just completely out of my budget).

        • NOLA

          I have to say, I’m pretty far away from a recent grad, so if you’re even thinking about this stuff, you’re probably ahead of the game. And my friend who was buying 3 pairs of cheap shoes is older than I am (early 60s) and has money. She just tends to buy a lot of quantity and I’ve gotten away from that. I didn’t even realize it until shopping with my friend.

          • a.

            Oh, I know we’re in different situations here–I just get kind of frustrated sometimes, because I feel like so many women who read this website have a knee-jerk, fast fashion chains are the devil response. Maybe I’m a little over-sensitive :)

          • Divaliscious11

            Don’t be. While some people rail the Zaras and H&Ms I think they are fine. Its perfectly fine to buy quality at all ends of the spectrum. A thing about those fast fashions – if you buy the first run, the quality is not bad at all, its the hook to see if they will sell. The quality declines as they add additional runs because they also have to cut the price to meet consumers sale expectations (I spent one year in retail management). some of my favorite pieces are from Zara/H&M etc…

            Now I do think the clothes quality in the European stores tend to be higher, but they don’t have the same sale frenzy we have in the states….

            I thought about this yesterday – I had on a top from H&M, a skirt from Anthropologie, a jacket from CABi, and Tod’s shoes – completely across the brand spectrum

    • wintergreen126

      I’ve noticed the same thing, and it might be at least partially attributable to this site. Prior to law school, I was a bench scientist, so I wasn’t too picky about what I wore. All I cared was that it was neat, appropriate, and easy to care to for–a lab coat only covers so much, and I’ve spilled everything from urine (ew, I know) to methanol on me. Wearing pricier clothes simply would have been a waste.

      But now, my professional appearance matters a lot more, and even though I’m on a limited budget, I’m buying fewer things of better quality. It’s worth it to buy good pieces that will last. And I learned the value of versatility. The more places I can wear it, the more I think it was worth the money.

    • TO Lawyer

      I’ve actually noticed something similar with my sister. Granted she is younger and makes less than I do, but I would guess our shopping budgets are similar. Only difference is she buys a ton of things from Forever21 so has many more clothes than I do, and I tend to buy more classic but also more expensive pieces. She is shocked that I’ll spend X on a dress but then doesn’t realize she’s spent X+ on 18 sweaters that all start to pill.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t necessarily buy more expensive items but have become more picky. I now try to buy only things that I truly like and that fit well irrespective of price.

  6. Lyssa

    Since the topic is shoes, would ya’ll give me permission to wear red heels to my first day on a new job? They’re more of a burgandy red, and classic looking. And I have this fantasy that wearing red shoes shows that I’m Awesomely Awesome and Not to be Messed Around With, but I could be completely wrong. I’ve only interacted with 2 attorneys from the new firm – a male in what looked like a suit without the jacket both times, and a woman in a skirt equivalent of a suit type outfit the first time and slacks and a nice sweater the second. I’ll probably wear it with a dark gray pants suit (or maybe skirt, I’m still not sure). I could go with nice black heels instead, though.

    Here’s the link: http://www.belk.com/AST/Main/Belk_Primary/Shoes/Shop/Womens/Pumps/PRD~2900637FLEXM2922SS/MICHAEL+Michael+Kors+Flex+Mid+Pump.jsp?off=0&rCode=0400655554970&ZZ%3C%3EtP=4294921094%2B137%2B4294941514&ZZ_PO=0&fO=Category_Path%3A%2FBelk_Primary%2FShoes%2FWomens&ZZ_OPT=Y&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302215320&bmUID=1363114950327 (in bourdeaux).

    And can I just add that these shoes, which my husband bought me for my birthday, are fabulous. They are amazingly comfortable (though they definitely don’t look it), and I love the texture. Hubby thought that I should wear them to the interview, if that counts for anything.

    • Susie

      I wouldn’t wear them to an interview but I think to your first day with a gray suit would be fine.

    • CDA

      Completely fine! I regularly wear a similar pair to federal court and haven’t received so much as a sideways look. So long as the rest of the outfit is relatively sedate (the shoes would be the focus), you should wear with confidence and enjoy.

    • Coach Laura

      Congratulations on the new job, Lyssa. Is this your return from maternity leave or did I miss a step?

      • Lyssa

        Thanks for the congratulations-es!

        You did miss a step (I haven’t been talking about it until now, though, since everything was still in the works and wanted to make sure that I had my notice into my current employer). I’ve been back from maternity leave for a little over a month, but I decided that for this year, I was really going to focus on making my career what I wanted it, either by improving things at my old job or finding a new one. All of a sudden, there was a listing (in an economy where listings for attorneys seem to come along once in a blue moon) that was exactly what I’d always wanted to do and thought that I had missed the boat on. Boom and done!

        I feel bad that it was this close to the baby. Other than being motivated to be a better provider, it really had nothing to do with that, and this is definitely going to be a move in the less-family-friendly direction (as in, more hours, not less), but I think it will be better for the family overall for several other reasons. I’m really excited about it.

    • Anonymous

      These are great. I was in court in a small GA county last year wearing shoes of a similar color, but also rather shiny (but not patent). I was nervous that I might look big-city with them. Nope. Virtually every female lawyer in the courtroom was wearing shoes of the same hue. I think this is actually a classic look, not a trendy look, even though they may be a “NOW” color.

    • Jessica Glitter

      If a new employee at my firm showed up in those I would think she was awesome.

    • Eleanor

      Great shoes, and congratulations on the new job! I admire your taking control of your career.

  7. just Karen

    Kat – my Chrome is stillstuck on the 3/4/13 sunglasse post (at 128 comments point), but I can get on the site fine with IE. I’ve done all the normal de-bug/clear cache tricks, but nothing’s helped.

  8. Anon for this

    Any suggestions on what to do when your husband irritates the h*ll out of you?

    It’s nothing specific – just sort of fatigue over his overall attitude and behavior. I’m rushing to get the kids in the car (thanks, daylight savings), and ask him to pick up the toddler and put toddler in the car seat. The response is a huffy, “I don’t have my shoes on.” He shuffles around to find his sandals and does buckle in the toddler. Why am I annoyed? In the previous hour, I had 1) dressed one kid, 2) fed two kids, 3) showered, dressed and fed myself, 4) supervised the brushing of teeth, and 5) put all the bags in the car. In the previous hour he had 1) slept a half-hour later than me, 2) microwaved a mug of day-old coffee and 3) sat in front of the computer.

    It takes him 30 minutes to pick a movie from Netfl*x streaming (I know, first world problems), even after we’ve agreed to watch something together and I have expressed interest in 10 movies and disinterest in 1 movie. He can’t buy plane tickets for a vacation, even after I’ve agreed to the possible dates and given him my credit card to use for the miles. He waited until our Internet was turned off to get and install the new router required by the phone company.

    I just don’t want to spend time with him. It’s like being in a room with the descendant of Eoyore and Moe the bartender from “The Simpsons.” He is seeing a therapist (as am I), but he still seems very upset and unhappy a lot.

    My instinct is to back away and try and spend some time away from him (going to the gym, reading in the other room, etc.), but I already feel like there is a lot of distance and don’t know if this would make the problem even worse.

    • Brant

      This sounds like a long-standing issue. As a short-term fix, does he exercise/have healthy diet habits? My DH is a complete and total lazy bum when he stops exercising. And a grouch. I have to occasionally remind him that IF ONLY YOU GO FOR A RUN YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AND BE SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT!

      may also be a reaction to “nagging.” I’m a nagger and I know it, so I can’t help you, other than to say i’m self-aware and it isn’t effective.

    • Anon

      I generally hate self help books but really liked the book Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters by Alisa Bowman and think it could be helpful here.

      • anon

        I agree. Loved that book! She brings up many of the same issues (her doing most of the work, her husband being generally lazy, and dealing with that resentment). But for now, I’d make an effort to find a few positive things about your husband. It sounds like you are creating a mental filter and only focusing on what annoys you. That won’t help you feel better or bring you closer.

    • Suzer

      Are you me? Except I don’t have time to go to the gym because I’m busy doing 90% of the housework . . . .

    • Anon in NYC

      Do you and your DH talk? Would a conversation that you start, going something along the lines of “I’m concerned about you. You have been seeing a therapist for a while, but you still seem very upset and unhappy most of the time. It affects me, and it is starting to affect the kids. I’m not sure how to help you, what you need, or what you’re upset or unhappy about.”

      Ideally that would open him up, but if not or he asks for examples, say something to the effect of “It seems like you don’t participate in our normal routines. Like, getting the kids ready for school in the morning or playing with the kids in the evening. It seems like you’re sleeping more than normal . . .” Caveat: obviously tailor to your situation, and try not to make the whole thing about his lack of participation in “chores” (even though the scenario you described is not really a chore).

      And then, “I really want us to be able to discuss these things with each other, and I hope we can do that, but I also think that we should look into couples counseling to help us get through this rough patch.”

      • Anon for this

        I married him because the media told me to. Also, all of my eggs would have fallen out on the eve of my 30th birthday and I would have died alone, unfulfilled and unloved by all. KIDDING. More seriously, I ought to have waited until the end of my 40s and found a much, much younger guy. ALSO KIDDING.

        I love the guy, but this is a rough patch.

        • Anonymous

          So you dont have a reason you married him> This is much more than a rough patch- you hate your husband. You dont have each others back. This situation is not sustainable. I meant that question seriously, why did you marry this man? What are his good qualities? I find it very telling that you could not name one when asked. A rough patch is when you are both feeling a little down, or fighting more. You are over it- that is much different than a rough patch

          • Olive

            To the OP – you crack me up!!!!! I don’t think you hate your husband. I can relate. It’s frustrating. When this kind of thing happens to me I try to do something similar to what another poster already suggested – focus on the good and the other ways he contributes to the relationship. I also try to remind myself that he is responsible for his own feelings and his own actions, not me, and that I have a choice whether or not to be miserable over what he does/doesn’t do or to be hostage to his mood.

        • Also anon

          NO idea what to do. I’m also trying to keep going despite a DH whose Eeyore imitation sucks up all of my energy. Well, it’s not just the being mopey & sad–it’s also his almost. never. cleaning. up. after. himself (unless I throw a huge fit) so that I’m always being dragged down by having to do his part, plus my own, and/or try to function in a mess because when he’s not doing his share, I’m overextended! The worst part is that although he’s trying to change (get healthier eating & exercise habits) I’m finding it very hard to be civil b/c I’ve been stuffing down my frustration for so long!
          Separating is not an option economically or emotionally (I’d prefer to work things out). But it gets very draining.

    • Anne Shirley

      Honestly the last time I was with someone like this I dumped him. I have enough trouble getting my own stuff together, I can’t be bothered mommying a grown man.

      But I think you guys can/should work on this. You’re each in individual therapy- can you add couples? What about visiting one of his appointments as a guest?

      Or, practically, What about this whole morning issue- you shouldn’t be responsible for everything. Can you agree to alternate days of kid responsibility? Divide and conquer the rugrats? Alternate who gets to pick movies? Move into a hotel when the utilities get turned off?

  9. k-padi

    My weight-loss goal this month is to start eating breakfasts and, apparently, my go-to Clif Bars are far from ideal.

    Anyone have a grab-and-go breakfast with 300-400 calories?

    I’m leaning towards a meal replacement shake but open to other options. Anyone have a recommendation for a particular meal-replacement shake? The selection at GNC is overwhelming…

    • locomotive

      I like greek yogurt. I buy a pack of 24 from costco of the chobani or the fage and leave a few in the fridge at work and eat them as soon as I get in with a banana before my coffee. They are ~150 calories, banana is <100 I think and overall I feel energized, but not too full by the time lunch rolls around.

      • Senior Attorney

        I like a small Greek yogurt with half a chopped apple and half an ounce of chopped walnuts. YUM!

    • Anon

      Do you want something you can quickly make at home in the morning, or something you can grab while walking out the door and then eat at work (with < 30 seconds assembly-required at your desk)?

      Also, any dietary limitations (veg/vegan/no dairy/etc)?

      • k-padi

        I’m not a morning person so doing much more than pouring milk over cereal is probably a stretch. I usually eat my Clif Bar in the car on my way to work. I have been advised to eat within one hour of waking so I’d eat at home or in the car.

        No dietary limitations except that eggs are a migraine trigger.

        • k-padi

          Oh and yogurt causes my digestion to go berserk in a very bad way. (Is it any wonder I don’t eat breakfast?)

        • L

          Someone on this site recommended HMR shakes and I bought a bunch. Put two scoops in a blender with some water and a banana and you’re done. Very filling and quite tasty.

        • Lobbyist

          banana and a bag of almonds? Trader joes sells “just a handful of almonds” they are 200 calories. a banana is about 100 calories.

      • Anon

        Darn-it, I had some good egg-based suggestions :)

        If you are okay with milk, then I think smoothies are your new best friend. Acquire blender if you don’t already have one. Since you aren’t a morning person, you can portion out your ingredients the night before so all you need to do in the morning is open up plastic containers, dump into blender, and blend till done.

        Maybe start with:
        1/2 frozen banana (i buy whole fresh bananas, break into chunks, freeze)
        3/4-1 c. other frozen fruit (berries, melon, pineapple, whatever you want)
        1 c. milk of choice
        1 scoop protein powder (optional for those who want/need more protein than the milk alone provides)
        Spoonful of nutbutter if you want
        Handful of spinach if you want
        Spices if you want (cinnamon etc)
        No ice needed since your fruit is frozen

        • Anon

          I purchased a GE single-serve blender from Walmart for $18 that is great for smoothies. It came with four (maybe five) individual cups. It was the best purchase I made last year.

    • Kerrycontrary

      Yogurt parfait, hard boiled egg, pre-prepped egg sandwich that you just have to throw in the microwave. I’ve consumed special K meal replacement shakes and they are good and filling, but they make me bloat like crazy because of the high fiber content.

    • AIMS

      My go-to is eggs at home, with spinach and goat cheese or on sprouted toast if I want to make sure I feel full till lunch. But for grab and go, I tend to do greek yogurt (not fat free though) + banana and/or other fruit/berries. You could also do instant oatmeal. McCann’s Irish Oatmeal has a good and nutrious instant option.

    • Hel-lo

      Whole grain toast with cream cheese for protein, and a banana works for me.

      Also recommend oatmeal or granola in Greek yogurt with berries or other fruit local to your area.

    • MB

      I eat a Fage yogurt with a handful of raw almonds, cashews and dried cranberries. Its probably around 300 – 350 calories and keeps me satisfied and full until lunch.

    • Brant

      Greek yogurt (120-180 calories, depending) + granola (depends on amount) + fruit.

      I do this every day and come in around 300 calories, more if i go heavy on the granola or it has lots of nuts in it.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think I remember you saying that you’ve been getting meal delivery service, but if you’re willing to cook once a week then I’d recommend mini frittatas. I found a recipe on Pinterest and it takes eggs, milk, chopped veggies and chicken. Actually you can put anything you want in the egg/milk base. I usually chop up a tomato, green onion, spinach, and pre-cooked fajita chicken strips. You just pour the mixture into muffin tins. I make a batch of 12 on Sundays and then pop 2 or 3 of them in the microwave in the morning. They take 15 min to prepare and 20ish min to bake.

      My other go to breakfast is cottage cheese, which I always have in the fridge at work, with fruit or a granola bar.

    • k-padi

      Thanks! I should have remembered to include that eggs and yogurt are not things I can eat on a daily basis. I like the toast+cream cheese+fruit and the cottage cheese+fruit suggestions.

        • KC

          I have to exercise restraint to keep from eating avocado on toast for every meal. Huge fan.

      • Anon in NYC

        Try sheep’s milk yogurt, if you can find it. I recently discovered a slight intolerance for cow’s milk, but sheep’s milk is fine.

        I tend to eat oats in the morning, but I pre-make them on a Sunday. A big pot of steel cut oats mixed with dried fruit and vanilla. You could do half almond milk, half water, to make it richer. I divide it up into portions and microwave in the morning. You can top it with some additional nuts and fruit for added protein/heft.

        Also, nothing says you can’t eat lunch or dinner foods for breakfast, if you like them better.

        • Herbie

          Sheep’s milk yogurt – YES. I love Bellwether Farms’ sheep milk yogurt. So good.

      • Sydney Bristow

        What about Kashi frozen waffles toasted with some peanut butter? Those are car-friendly.

    • anonypotamus

      I usually make a smoothie to drink in the car/at work. I use frozen fruits (bananas, berries, etc) and several handfuls of spinach and some almond milk or juice. You can also add protein powder or flax if you want to bulk it up. My other favorite combination is almond milk (vanilla or plain), peanut butter and frozen banana. Super filling, tastes like a milkshake, and is easy.
      Smoothies take only a couple of minutes and are portable. I know some people mix theirs up the night before, but I find that they tend to separate, and I prefer freshly blended ones (first world problems, I know), but that might be a way to alleviate the morning non-functionality part.

      The other thing I like, esp if I’m avoiding yogurt, is to soak chia seeds overnight in almond milk/other liquid you like. They thicken to a pudding like consistency and are delicious on their own or with nuts/fruit/etc thrown in. Good luck on your breakfast goal!

    • InfoGeek

      I eat a cup of dry cheerios with 100 calories of almonds. I usually put some cinnamon in with it.

      It has enough protein to keep me full for a while and takes longer to eat than a bar of something. The crunch factor is good, too.

    • Equity's Darling

      I really love Vega shakes…they’re pretty delicious, and very well-balanced, and I like that it has greens in it (spirulina, etc.). They’re the only reason I have breakfast, because it takes all of 2 minutes to mix and drink. If I’m feeling snazzy (like on a weekend), I’ll blend in some frozen fruit or a banana.

    • hoola hoopa

      I make my own ‘instant’ oatmeal with quick oats (buy in bulk section), dried fruit and nuts, cinnamon, nutmeg, and brown sugar. I mix up large batches and keep in an air-tight container at my desk so all I have to do is scoop into a bowl and add hot water or microwave for one minute.

      If you aren’t at work within one hour of waking and want to be firm about that rule, I’d personally would lean towards a cup a milk and banana to start and having something more real when you do get to work.

    • LH

      Trader Joe’s has really good mini croissants and chocolate croissants – not sure if that’s what you’re looking for because they’re not healthy but they are around 150 calories for the mini and 300 for the regular. You leave them rise overnight (8 hrs) and then just pop then in the oven for 15 minutes in the morning.

      • k-padi

        That sounds so good. I just took a “cheat week” at the advice of the wise women here to get over a plateau but I will remember this for when I get sick of healthy food. My gym has a slogan of “nothing tastes as good as being fit” but I can easily name 10 things that taste so much better than how I remember being a “fit” size 2 felt…

        BTW, my “cheat week” worked (I think)! I’m not weighing myself but my size 10 dresses (courtesy of this site) zipped up last night! They are still a little too va-va-voom for work but I’ll take any progress.

        • Anon

          Ha! I teach *fitness* classes in my off-hours (being vague here) and I intensely dislike all of the “nothing tastes as good as…” slogans. Moderation, people. I think that as long as you are mostly eating things that are good for your body and your health (quality proteins, fruits, veg, fats, whole grains, etc) then you have ever right to enjoy whatever else you like in moderation.

          You can haz fitness AND cheezburgers :)

    • CKB

      Truth, cbackson. 97% of the “fitspiration” (or whatever the crap they’re called) sayings I’ve ever heard feel all kinds of weird and triggery.

    • I am a banana.

      One frozen TJs steel cut oatmeal, add dried cherries and toasted pecans or almonds, or a banana in it. Toasted wheat English muffin with peanut butter, banana, and honey.

    • Anon

      Banana and a fistful of almonds is my most low-maintenance breakfast.

      I also like to eat dinner leftovers, but I realize that’s probably not for everyone.

    • onehsancare

      My go-to bars are wonderful–gluten free, high protein, low carb. I order them on-line, but you can get them at some healthfood stores. They’re called QuestBars. I stay away from all of the flavors that include any fruits in the names (experience has proven that they are not worth eating), but an occasional peanut butter and jelly is good. Peanut butter, chocolate peanut butter, cinnamon roll are all very satisfying and are 210 (PB&J), 210 (PB), 160 (CPB), 170 (CR) calories each. http://www.questproteinbars.com.

    • Granola

      Despite my handle I don’t eat granola for breakfast. I make a big batch of steel cut oatmeal with almond milk, apples and cinnamon in my slow cooker and keep in the fridge (each batch lasts 3-4 days so I make it twice a week). I just grab some of it every morning in a pyrex container and heat up at work, and add raisins and walnuts to make it more filling. Very simple, no thought process involved in the morning. Here’s how I make it: coat slow cooker with canola oil spray or something similar to prevent sticking, add 1 cup of steel cut oats, 1 1/2 cup of almond (or other kind) milk, 1 1/2 cups of water, cinnamon, dash of salt, two peeled, cored, chopped apples. I also add some flax seed meal. Cook on 7 hours on low.

    • Leslie

      If you don’t mind some advance prep, you can make up things like crustless quiches or protein pancakes in advance and just grab them.

    • big dipper

      I like PB&J oatmeal. I make the oatmeal on Sunday nights (2.5 cups oatmeal, 5 cups water) and stick it in the fringe. In the mornings, I add 1TBSP of peanut butter, 1 TBSP jelly of choice, and microwave for 1 minute.

      Other types of oatmeal I make are cinnamon pumpkin (half cup pumpkin, 1TBSP cinnamon) or applesauce (1/2 cup applesauce).

      Also a fan of the banana + handful of almonds mentioned above.

    • Miss A

      green smoothie:
      – frozen spinach (or fresh), i buy the baby spinach bags at TJ and freeze them
      – frozen bananas/blueberries/mangoes/strawberries (whatever you like/have)
      – ground flax seed
      – chia seeds

      blend with water/tea/milk or non dairy alternative.

      optional: nut butter of your choice

      I blend/cap/and drink at work.

  10. Yellow

    Does anyone have any good suggestions on websites or books that can help me learn a little bit more about men’s dressing? DH didn’t grow up in a place that was particularly formal or in a family that dressed up very much. My family and hometown is much more formal, dressy, and upscale than what he was used to (thanksgiving night and christmas are with big dresses and tuxes). He’s also climbing the corporate ladder quickly and feels like he always looks appropriate, but he might be missing some of the nuance of dressing that becomes more important when going to events with higher ups.

    He wants to know more about the unspoken rules for certain events, what to wear when and things like that. I only had sisters so I feel a little out of the loop too. I want to be able to help him with things like what color suit can be most versatile, is there a time when you can’t wear navy suits, can you wear black shoes with a navy suit or brown ones? I don’t know where to start!

    * I’m not looking for fashion-forward, just the basics for classic men’s dressing!

  11. New Bride

    Another husband-related TJ:

    We got married a few weeks ago. We’d been living together for about 6 months.

    We were both incredibly stressed out before the wedding, and we fought all the time. I kind of chalked it up to wedding/family/event stress. Now I find that we are still fighting, even though the wedding is over.

    For me, I look around at our lives, and realize that I’ve been compromising on various things, and think that if I don’t nip things in the bud now, things will always be that way. For instance, my husband and hang both of our towels on the same towel rack in the morning after showers. Every day, he hangs his wet towel over top of mine. Every day, I move them so they are next to each other and so that mine can dry. I have never said anything about it, because it wasn’t worth fighting about before. Now that I realize we are going to be together FOREVER, I want to tell him that the way he hangs his towel bothers me. It seems like such a trivial thing, and we’re fighting enough already that I don’t want to bring it up, but I don’t want my towel getting mildewey EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

    So the result is that we are fighting about stupid stuff way more than we did before. And it’s mainly stuff that bothers me, not him, so I feel responsible for picking every fight.

    Do other couples do this? Any advice? I have heard that the first year of marriage is the worst in terms of fighting. I’m worried we will continue like this.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I’m not married, so I can’t give advice on that – but I’m struck that you telling him “Hey, your towel on top of mine is getting mine wet. Mind putting it next to mine?” is perceived (by you or by him?) as “picking a fight.”

      Is it a potential problem with communication styles? Are you letting things build up to the point where you’ve moved his towel EVERY day for the past TEN days and when you finally say something it’s an explosion? Or is he overblowing a response to a calm and reasonable request? Is it a problem with your self-confidence, in that you feel like you should be suppressing things you want and not asking him to do things to make life easier for you? Or is it a problem with his temper, that you are choosing not to ask him to do things because you think he’ll overreact?

      I think it’s more getting to the root of smoothing out communication styles, that will probably help you out the most. I think most “stupid stuff” fights are avoidable – but it’s really dependent on the person approaching and the person responding communicating in an effective way and without getting angry.

      • L

        +1 to everything.

        When I first moved in with my SO I didn’t say anything and did the explosion MOA was talking about here. And my poor SO couldn’t figure out why I was freaking out about something so minute.

        If your afraid of his reaction, get to counseling stat.

      • anon

        Totally! Ask nicely. Don’t assume he’s doing this because he doesn’t care about you. Just ask nicely. He probably wants to make you happy but doesn’t know how if you don’t communicate in a non-aggressive way. Obviously, there is a lot of pent up feelings with all your caps. Make friendly requests instead of criticizing him and see how many fights you avoid.

      • Lobbyist

        Married 12 years here. My hubby would take my (dry) towel and use it, because he left his towel crumpled up on the floor, or on the chair, or just about anywhere except the towel rack where it would dry and be convienently waiting, post-shower. So I had to decide whether to pick up his towel and hang it up, or “let” him use “my” towel, all the while I was getting progressively more annoyed. Solution ended up being for me to buy hot pink/magenta towels (soft, expensive, nice towels) that are MINE and MINE ALONE. They are not family towels. Kids cant use them. Hubby cant use them. And I get MY towel rack where I put MY towel and its always there ready and dry. I no longer pick up his towel or even worry aout it.

    • Kerrycontrary

      I think you are probably figuring out living-together-stuff, which includes a lot of small arguments. But about the towel thing, something like this really shouldn’t cause a fight. And I don’t know why you haven’t spoken up before. It seems like a two-second conversation “Hunny, can you not hang your towel on top of mine?” “Ok no problem”. It’s not like you are asking him of something huge. And how would he know you hate it if you never verbalize it? He’s not a mind reader. If it’s still an issue, get a Command Strip hook to hang on the back of your door and you can put your towel on that. About the fighting all the time, you two are adults. You should be able to calmly express wants and needs about your living space. And when you are married there are 3 ways of doing things: his way, your way, and our way. So you just need to work out the kinks and figure out how you will function as a household.

    • anonypotamus

      I’m not married but have been with my SO for 7+ years. For the most part, we are a very good team, but have done couples counseling/relationship coaching with great success. And take this with a grain of salt, because I can speak only for what has worked for us. One of the biggest takeaways we gotten is that it IS the little things that matter. Speak up about the little things that irritate you (like the towel hanging procedure) at a time when its not an issue so you both can talk calmly and rationally about it. Otherwise, that little seed of irritation will build up and blossom into resentment, which from what I can tell, can kill even the best of relationships. The key is to articulate that it bothers you, why it bothers you, and a smart resolution for fixing it (can you install a second towel rack? or one with a heating element?) When you can communicate about the little things, it provides good habits and good communication lines for when there is a bigger something to deal with. Good luck.

      • Sympathy

        can you “catch him in the act” so to speak? Like, hang out in the bathroom while he showers, then mention “hey, can you make sure you put your towel [somewhere specific] because mine’s been getting wet and stinky. And you don’t want a stinky wife, do you?”

        It comes off way better than storming in clutching a stinky towel saying LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG AGAIN YOU FAILURE. (his interpretation).

      • hoola hoopa

        I highly recommend bringing up the little issues while they are little, but to do it when you are *not* annoyed and he is similarly in a good mood. A well timed freak-out can be useful, but you must save them for emergency situations. :)

        Also, listen to his point of view. Whether his reasoning seems legit to you or not, acknowledging it helps compromise or figure out a solution. For example, maybe he is doing it because he likes to hang up his towel before getting out of the tub and therefore puts his towel on the section of bar within reach, so you can move your towel to the far end of the bar.

        Sometimes the best solution is avoidance. For example, maybe he’ll never remember (which is fair – he’s human), so you install a second bar or hook on the door for your towel.

        Keep in mind that you cannot change HIM. You can inform him of your preference and reason for it (with which he hopefully uses his reasoning and will power to change his behavior himself, you can change the situation, in some cases you can change yourself. But it’s important to realize that you *cannot* change your partner. No amount of reasoning, harassing, or nagging will do that.

      • New Bride

        Thank you for all the advice. It certainly gives me a lot to think about.

        To the poster who suggested he might have a temper, so that’s why I’m not bringing things up – it’s totally the opposite. He is a very sweet, sensitive guy, and somewhat of a perfectionist. So my little suggestions/criticisms often shut the poor little guy down and make him think he’s not worth anything. I’m also more matter-of-fact than him or anyone else in his family, so we have been getting used to communicating with each other.

        I actually talked to him about this today. His response was 1) all the other ladies on that website are correct (woo! go you!) and 2) we agreed that it was sometimes easier to bring up extra criticisms/suggestions/issues when we were already fighting than ruin “happy times” with criticisms of each other’s behavior. So we are still figuring that one out.

        • goldribbons

          Don’t think of these things as criticisms – think of them as adjustments. Whether he puts his wet towel on top of yours doesn’t indicate whether he loves you. There are adjustments you both need to make to live together happily. Maybe only talk about them 1x/week or something so that they don’t take over your life, but it’s an adjustment, not a criticism.

          • New Bride

            Well, I think of them as suggestions, but it’s *him* who thinks of them as criticisms and takes it personally when I suggest we do things differently.

          • Sydney Bristow

            My boyfriend I do a check-in chat every once in awhile to bring things up that we’ve been doing that bugs the other person. The key is to do it when everyone is feeling good and for both of us to feel comfortable bringing anything up.

            I learned that I don’t shut the dresser drawers all the way sometimes and it bugs him and he learned that it bugs me when he doesn’t replace the trash bag after taking it out and we are both working on it. It’s hard to know what small habits are bugging someone else unless they tell you.

    • Sympathy

      DH and I just concluded the Epic Toilet Seat Battle of 2013. We have been together for 8+, living together for 6, married for almost 5. ALL OF A SUDDEN this year, he has been leaving the toilet seat up. Seriously?

      I have been letting him know EVERY TIME it’s up, and he rolls his eyes. The other night, as my pregnant @$$ stumbles out of bed at 4am to pee, I sit down and BAM, into the toilet because the seat was up and I wasn’t paying attention. I collected myself, woke up DH, and informed him that this was SIMPLY NOT TOLERABLE and my @$$ just fell into the TOILET and it’s FOUR IN THE MORNING SO HELP ME GOD.

      After that, things have gotten better. We have studied the issue and learned that his new bad habit of leaving the toilet seat up is because I have developed a new habit of CLOSING the lid of the toilet. And now, he picks up both and doesn’t remember to close it. Previously, he never bothered to lift the seat.

      MARRIAGE RUINING FIGHT SOLVED, but it took weeks of nagging, some detective work, and a 4am butt full of toilet water to get us here. it’s all about compromise, people.

      • JJ

        This comment wins the day.

        OP, it sounds like you have differing communication styles and are working out how to live together. It shouldn’t be an issue for you to say “Hey – can you hang your towel up next to mine? That way mine can dry, too.” Don’t say it like an accusation, just reasonably ask.

        In the grand scheme of things (I’ve been married 8 years, living together 10), your husband is always going to do something that bothers you. For instance, why can’t my husband SHUT THE CABINETS when he puts the dishes away? But I’ve chosen not to let that bother me (too much) and instead focus on: “Hey, my husband is putting the dishes away and doing dishes.” It boils down to communication and not letting the little things get to you.

        • AnonInfinity

          YES! Why can’t he shut the cabinets?!?!? It’s confounding to me that shutting the stupid cabinet doors is so confounding to him.

          Anyway, I agree with everyone. Bring it up when it’s still NBD and try not to let everything get to you to the point that you hate him because he never replaces the toilet paper roll when he empties it.

          • Meg Murry

            My parents have been married for 35+ years and my father still can’t shut the cabinet doors – its like he doesn’t see them or something. I still distinctly remember the day I had a growth spurt overnight and all of a sudden couldn’t walk under the opn cabinet doors – that really hurt! With my husband our epic battles are over out of place items on the floor (I honestly didn’t notice the tissue etc on the floor I just stepped over) and crying children (how is it that he does not ever wake up when they cry, have coughing fits or vomit? Ever? He’s not that sound of a sleeper usually). Every marriage has them. You just have to decide which are worth fighting for, and which aren’t. And if new habits emerge, deal with them right away (first time he puts his towel over your, eh. Second time? Say something before it becomes a habit!)

            And wow I just re-read, sorry for all the dashes and parentheses, I’m usually not quite that ridiculous with my punctuation!

          • New Bride

            This is the problem – I guess I’m having trouble figuring out what’s worth fighting for and what’s not.

            I didn’t think the towel thing was worth fighting about, so I didn’t bring it up. So it confuses me that now it’s a thing I am frustrated about. On one hand, I blame myself, because I should have brought it up when it first bothered me. On the other hand, I want to compromise in my marriage and let some things go, because that’s what marriage is about.

          • lucy stone

            OMG THE CABINETS. My husband is generally much tidier than I am, but our cabinets are always open to poke me in the eye. If we build again we’re getting self-closing cabinets or doing open shelves.

        • layered bob

          I took the cabinet doors off all the cabinets. I couldn’t stand them open and my husband apparently couldn’t close them. No doors = no problems.

      • I am a banana.

        I am laughing out loud at this, thank you for making my afternoon. (And glad it worked out, sorry you had to get a butt full of toilet water!)

      • Still anon

        @ Sympathy: LOL. Next time I get the urge to SCREAM at DH I will mumble “butt full of toilet water at 4 am” to myself. It’s impossible to SHRIEK like a BANSHEE when I’m laughing quietly to myself. Thanks for jolting me out of my peevishness.

      • Anon

        My husband just started doing this too! We’ve been married for 12 years. So weird!

    • JK

      In addition to telling him when these issues crop up and are small issues– i.e. after 3 days, not 2 weeks– you should try and reinforce good habits too. He might feel right now that you’re picking on everything he’s doing and maybe that’s part of the reason this is escalating into “fights.” I would get defensive if I felt like everywhere I went in the house I was doing something to piss my husband off.

      Next time he does something, ANYTHING “right”- please tell him! You’d be surprised how far a simple, “thanks for doing the dishes, honey” can go!

    • Maddie Ross

      I’ve been married 7 years, together for 11 and in my opinion, sometimes it’s easier to figure out how to “fix the glitch” (and sometimes to make them think that they suggested it) than expect him to change. In this situation, can you mention that maybe it would be helpful for you all to install a second towel rod or a hook for towels as “there’s clearly not room for two”? For instance, we had a really big problem with my husband not shutting drawers all the way in the kitchen. How’d we solve it? We put a big ceramic container of the most used kitchen utensils on the counter for easy access. Bonus points because he’s better about putting things away too now. If he doesn’t open the drawers, he can’t leave them open.

      • Maddie Ross

        Also, if you can, seriously consider separate bathrooms. Our marriage was fine when we shared one and it’s fine now that we don’t, but it is honestly just SO nice to have your own space in there.

    • lawsuited

      The first year of mariage is the WORST. No one tells you that, but getting comfortable with the ‘Forever’ thing is a real adjustment, and you have to learn coping skills for happy, healthy partnershing that don’t (unfortunately) magically appear with the saying of vows.

      Don’t judge yourself or your marriage. No one tells you this either, but all marriages are different and you and your new husband are entitled to use whatever strategies are going to make your life together most harmonious.

      Don’t freak out yet. There’s a real chance it will get better. I’ve been married almost 4 years now, and although it was terrible for the first year it gets better every day.

      • SFBayA

        For real. Our first year was a heck of an adjustment with lots of “if I don’t stand up to this stupid annoying habit now, I’ll be stuck with it foreverrrrrrrrrr!” No one tells you how hard it’s going to be. Honeymoon period/newlywed bliss my left foot. We still annoy each other sometimes, but frankly, life’s been better for both of us when we just let go of some things. My husband also cannot close cupboards, and often leaves the lights on when he leaves a room. He hates putting away silverware from the dishwasher. He doesn’t reline the trash bin the instant he returns from taking it out. He rarely refills the Brita. But I do lots of really annoying things too. After a year, I have let go of some of my urge to Take A Stand As A Feminist And Equal and let go of Broken Window theory and now I just empty the silverware, close the cupboards, and flick off the light switches myself. Whatever, it only takes a few minutes and it’s not worth a tussle. I do usually ask him reline the trash bin when he takes out the trash, but sometimes I just do it. He has to put up with my annoying things too.

        A tip from Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project really stuck with me – Identify the Problem. Your problem is his wet towel on your formerly dry towel. Solutions include getting a double towel bar, getting a hook, getting a hot pink towel, buying a towel warmer rack so they both dry quickly, etc. He’s not trying to be a jerk, but assume for the time being that he’s not going to remember. It’s just not going to happen. But remember that it’s not a symbol of How Little He Cares. Change the problem instead of fighting about the behavior.

  12. portlandia

    Just wanted to repeat the same comment thanking whoever inquired about me for their concern about the whole HSV thing. I broke down and told my best friend who was incredibly supportive about it. She visited me the past weekend and distracted me. I’ve been doing a lot of research about it and know it’s not the end of the world in terms of all the terrible things that could happen. I did however break it off with a guy I’ve been on two dates with even though I like him because I’m too petrified to have this topic even come up in the next few months. but I am trying to move on and take it in stride. I’ve found out it is highly likely that the way I got it is from a ex-significant gardener of 2 years who had cold sores who ventured into the lady garden while showing no symptoms. So if there are symptoms… definitely do not let that gardener near the LG at all because you can get it down there that way. Thanks for all the support in this community :)

    • Anon and also a hopeless romantic

      Maybe the guy of two dates is still worth getting to know better, or maybe he’d rather you gave him a chance to be supportive and a gentleman even if it means he has to wait to be a gardener?
      Just my 2 cents. You have to do what feels right to you. Glad you’re feeling better about the HSV.

  13. auctioneer

    Okay, let’s brainstorm.

    I’m running my church’s annual auction later this spring, and I’m trying to diversify the offerings so as to include more than just the usual dinner parties and gift certificates and babysitting. The congregation is pretty diverse, and because we’re in a major city, there are a lot of cultural/service/retail opportunities to tap.

    What kinds of things would you savvy ladies like to see at an auction?

    • AEK

      Lessons: Knitting, sewing, cooking, gardening, hair-styling (?), foreign language (even just someone to converse with for practice), art, etc.

      Services:Closet-organizing, cleaning, lawn-mowing, snow-shoveling, tutoring, painting, personal shopping, etc.

      I bet some of your church members can donate their time for these types of things, or you can get them from your sponsors.

      • Anon in NYC

        Similar to the hair styling point, perhaps a session with a makeup artist.

      • Houston Attny

        – tickets to sporting events. If a member has season tickets, they can give them up for a game.
        – airline mileage. Some people accrue miles like no one’s business and don’t mind parting with 50,000 or 100,000.
        – jewelry appraisal
        – Will preparation from one of your attorney members
        – just about every restaurant I’ve asked for a gift card has provided one for silent auctions in the past. If you get a few smaller ones, you could combine them into an “explore the city one bite at a time” pack. (Can you tell I’ve done this for church too? ;) )
        – also for some smaller things – Sephora and Nordstrom will give you gift bags with lots of random make up samples and goodies. These could be door prizes or even “we have 10 of them. First 10 people to give us $10 get them.”
        – and second the idea about artist members painting pictures for auction. Those can go for a lot of money, especially if you get some people with deep pockets teasing each other and bidding.
        – what about a night at a local cool hotel?

        In particular, I prefer the auctions that have a silent auction component and a few bigger items where you have live bidding. Have your youth or kids be your spotters watching a couple of tables each for bids and encourage them to be super energetic. Good luck!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I know you said not babysitting but I have donated pet sitting a few times and it has always been very popular. I have also donated some framed nature photography. If you know a hobby photographer he/she will probably happily donate just to get some name exposure.

    • portlandia

      what about those wine + painting classes or pottery or something artsy like that?

    • KC

      Some neat items I’ve seen at recent fundraisers:
      -Tickets to concerts and plays.
      -Passes to museums and local attractions (bonus if there’s a guided tour/behind the scenes aspect).
      -If any of your church members are artists: paintings, pottery, etc.
      -Handbags or costume jewelry.
      -Photography sessions (with prints included).
      -Cooking lessons (I think it also included instruction in pairing wines).

    • hoola hoopa

      Things I’ve seen go over well:
      — Pet sitting
      — Time at vacation rental (if members have one)
      — Cookies of the Month delivery (member home bakes)

      I really like the idea of photography session.

    • Houston Attny

      – tickets to sporting events. If a member has season tickets, they can give them up for a game.
      – airline mileage. Some people accrue miles like no one’s business and don’t mind parting with 50,000 or 100,000.
      – jewelry appraisal
      – Will preparation from one of your attorney members
      – just about every restaurant I’ve asked for a gift card has provided one for silent auctions in the past. If you get a few smaller ones, you could combine them into an “explore the city one bite at a time” pack. (Can you tell I’ve done this for church too? ;) )
      – also for some smaller things – Sephora and Nordstrom will give you gift bags with lots of random make up samples and goodies. These could be door prizes or even “we have 10 of them. First 10 people to give us $10 get them.”
      – and second the idea about artist members painting pictures for auction. Those can go for a lot of money, especially if you get some people with deep pockets teasing each other and bidding.
      – what about a night at a local cool hotel?

      In particular, I prefer the auctions that have a silent auction component and a few bigger items where you have live bidding. Have your youth or kids be your spotters watching a couple of tables each for bids and encourage them to be super energetic. Good luck!

    • ANP

      Intangible experiences/services:

      Tutoring for kids from teachers willing to volunteer their time
      Sports lessons (golf, baseball)
      Food-themed party at home of winning bidder (Italian, sushi) w/setup, materials and prep provided by the donor
      “guys night out” — steakhouse gift card combined with a dozen cigars
      Homemade cookies 1x/month for a year
      Care package sent to your friend/family member/college student monthly/quarterly
      Holiday gift wrapping service
      Spring yard cleanup or summer mowing (or snow removal)
      Have a seamstress/quilter donate labor and materials for a tshirt quilt — winning bidder supplies the tshirts

    • Anon for this one

      I consulted for a church’s capital campaign once, and they had a very successful annual auction. Some of the most popular items weren’t actually physical items, but “experiences” that had more meaning:

      -Reserved pew for Christmas/Easter (routinely went for around $1k in this particular community)
      -Reserved parking space in the church lot
      -Front row seats at graduation/premium carpool pick-up (this parish had a school, so YMMV)
      -They were also in a major city, and sports tickets always sold high
      -I know you mentioned you were avoiding dinner parties, but Dinner with the Pastor always had one of the highest number of bids. Bonus points if the pastor is the one doing the cooking.

      Hope this helps!

    • AttiredAttorney

      Photography sessions, services of professional musicians (harpists for a wedding or bridal shower, string trio, etc), golf course or country club passes if a church member has access and can share, time share use.

    • Meg Murry

      My parents bought a brunch/dessert package at a charity auction that was really nice – we used it for a the morning after my wedding for out of town guests. Another big seller was a copy of “Miss Somebody’s secret recipe” and a private tutorial with “Miss Somebody” – apparetly the secret recipe was a favorite at church suppers, and the winner had to promise to keep it a secret and not make it for church suppers until Miss Somebody deemed them worthy.

  14. KS IT Chick

    TJ for a passport wallet. We’re doing a Mass Family Vacation this fall that involves travel in foreign countries, and my DH & I just got our passports. He ordered a very masculine passport wallet from ebags, and he’s adamant that I need to order one. He’s also adamant that he will not pick it out, because he would be inclined to get me something very like what he ordered for himself.

    The requirements: it must fit a US passport, it must block RFID, and it has to look like something an adult professional woman would carry. I always say that I don’t live in a world of black & white, that my world has COLORS!, so colorful would be good.

    If you have one you like, please share!

  15. Wardrobe Template

    Can anyone from yesterday’s closet organization discussion share the wardrobe list template with me? I think this spreadsheet would really help me in organizing my wardrobe. My email address is [email protected]

    • Spreadsheet owner

      Hi there, I did see your post but didn’t have time last night after I got home to do much of anything on the computer. I’ll send it your way this evening!

    • anonypotamus

      actually i would like this too if you don’t mind! anonypotamus.r e t t e at the google mail (minus the spaces). thanks in advance!

  16. J.Crew No. 2 Pencil Skirt

    TJ – I have a very silly question I am hoping you ladies can help me answer. I am originally from the sourthern part of the US (where we had no seasons!), currently living in the Northeast. I have finally talked myself into purchasing the J.Crew No. 2 Pencil Skirt. In the description, they mention that it’s perfect for three seasons a year. Does that mean all seasons but winter? Thank you!!

    • Anon

      Which No. 2 skirt is it? J.Crew makes the same skirt in wool and cotton. I own a few colors in both, and FWIW I wish I hadn’t bought the cotton version. IMO it’s really only appropriate for late spring & summer, and the fabric wrinkles SO easily… I’m hesitant to ever wear it because when I do I look like a mess by 10am. The wool version is appropriate for fall/winter/early spring, looks lovely, and barely wrinkles.

      I think “three seasons” can either mean all seasons but winter OR all seasons but summer, depending on the type of material/item.

      • J.Crew No. 2 Pencil Skirt

        I was looking at the cotton version, but now I am thinking I should instead consider the wool version. I have a skirt from Ann Taylor that is also cotton and wrinkles in no time. It drives me crazy.

        • Anon

          I would advise against the cotton version. I think the wool version is great, but definitely a seasonal piece. I wear mine from October – early March.. but I’m in SF so our “seasons” are definitely less traditional.

          If you want something more season-less, I second Equity’s Darling’s comment on J.Crew’s Super 120s suiting skirts. I also really love Ann Taylor’s Tropical Wool suiting pencil skirts.

      • Equity's Darling

        Agreed- I really love their 120s suiting, but J.Crew’s cotton stuff wrinkles while zipping it up, I also always look like a hot mess when I roll into the office, I’d be lucky to make it to 8:30, let alone 10am.

        I think the super 120s is usually light enough for my city’s summers, but we usually don’t go much higher than 25C, so you may not find it great for summer, depending on your city.

        Anyone have experience with their stretch wool?

  17. Sculls

    Holy buckets, I enjoy these shoes. I have a wedding coming up and was looking for some nifty shoes to wear with a pretty simple yellow dress… I think ‘marble snake’ might be just the ticket….

  18. former dancer

    Hi ladies. Longtime follower, first time commenting. I have been endlessly searching for classic black pumps for work. I was thinking of the Kate Spade Karolinas (at regular price) and today I found Jimmy Choo Victory pumps for about $40 more than the Kate Spades (at about 50% off of full price). Any thoughts on comfort-level. Should I splurge on the Jimmy Choos? I have a wide toe box and pinky toe calluses due to years of dancing so comfort is my primary concern.

    • Anon

      Are the Jimmy Choos on final sale? If not, I’d just order both pairs and try them on.. send back the ones you don’t like.

  19. Flying Squirrel

    TJ – Can I vent??!!

    DH and I both have jobs we like, just in different cities. Why wasn’t I pickier choosing a job as I was finishing grad school (and before the crash)? I’m now over- and under-qualified for jobs for which I would have been an obvious hire as a fresh grad. And every job posting that sounds remotely interesting (and related to my background) has requirements that amount to, “several years experience already doing this job”. Unfortunately, my current job is very unique…and while the skills and subject matter are relevant to many things, there aren’t really any other jobs I could say I’ve been doing “exactly” for several years.

    Le sigh…

    On the verge of giving up to be a SAHW just so I can live with DH. I’m sure glad I spent those 11 years at institutions of higher education earning degrees in fields (STEM) where almost every week there is an article saying the US has a drastic shortage.

    • Anonymous

      As someone doing a similar job search, I think you’re totally justified in being frustrated.

      Have you been applying to those “several years experience already doing this job” openings anyway? In STEM especially, I’ve found the job descriptions are wildly optimistic on the experience front and they’re still interested if your technical skillset is sound and somewhat relevant.

      On the flip side, I’ve also seen companies intentionally hire “overqualified” people into those fresh grad jobs with the understanding that you’re in that role to learn the business before you move into a more suitable technical role (and since you don’t know the particulars of the business yet, you’re not really overqualified per se either).

  20. LH

    FYI ladies who love Coach – I just got an email that some of the Legacy collection bags (really nice-looking, non-C-emblazoned leather) are going to be in the online Coach Factory store starting tomorrow.

  21. CREW

    Anyone a member of CREW – Commercial Real Estate Women? Do you find your membership worthwhile? I am debating joining my city chapter. Thanks!

  22. goldribbons

    Kat: Just started having tech problems (home site shows this thread has only 124 comments) this evening. I’m using Chrome (Version 25.0.1364.172) on a Mac.

  23. Thanks

    Thanks to everyone who posted yesterday with suggestions for dealing with nervousness about my first therapy session. Unfortunately, the therapist stood me up, so I’m back to square one.

    • wintergreen126

      I’m sorry that the therapist never showed! Finding a good therapist isn’t always easy, but keep searching! I hope you’re able to find someone you like (and is more reliable).

  24. Torn Up

    Argh. Just ended a three year relationship with a great guy because we could not come to an agreement on the kids issue (he wants them; I don’t), and the marriage question was looming large. I know I should have done this ages ago, but I loved him and kept thinking we could work something out. This is the first time in my dating life where I’ve ended things with a guy I was still crazy about. I literally have nothing bad to say about him. So painful!

    Does anyone know a nunnery I could join? Advice on not crying at work tomorrow? :(

    • goldribbons

      I’m so sorry. No advice, just hugs. Will it help to think that you did yourself a HUGE favor? If you had married this guy and gotten divorced over this issue, it would be pretty terrible.

    • Miss Behaved

      Where are you located? I bet someone here would take you out for a drink, if you need it.

  25. Loyal Lurker

    Re: tech problems – I could not see updates to the site since 3/4 until I cleared my cookies. Mac OS X + Firefox.

    • Jenn's Pen

      I’m stuck on the 3/4 post at 18 comments on my iPhone 5, which is running ios 6.1.2.

  26. Kim Perez

    These shoes are so great! The snake print is a neutral and will go with just about anything. So chic and sophisticated, too!

  27. Anon

    Shoe/weight question…anon because I am deeply uncomfortable talking about weight.

    I’m very small-boned, and have a fast metabolism, so I’ve always been quite thin (on the border of normal/underweight). I’ve been sick, which made me lose a little weight, and then medicine that’s helped seems to have made me lose more (it’s something that can cause some people to gain, and others to lose). I am not crazy about this effect, but I’m feeling better and I’m getting used to my new “look” (I think I notice it more than other people). I’m only talking 15 pounds, but that’s almost 15% of my body weight.

    All my shoes are slightly too big!! This is especially noticeable with sport shoes like ski boots and climbing shoes, where fit is important for performance. Has anyone else noticed this with weight loss?! At first I thought something about the weather had just cause all my shoes to stretch out a bit, but now I seriously think it’s the change in weight. Ideas for what to do (aside from buying all new shoes that *hopefully* would feel too small in 6 months)?

    Thank you so much!

    • Bonnie

      Weight does impact shoe size. For now, you may want to try she insoles or thicker socks.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I am up to 2 pairs of thick socks already for the skiing…but will try adding a third this weekend. I’m just feeling super self-conscious about the whole thing, including the fact that my body has apparently changed enough to change the size of my feet.

    • Anonymous

      As a late teen I lost about 15 pounds and also went down a shoe size. It was bizarre to discover, but it happens. For shoes where you can’t wear socks (or at least not three pairs), they make gel pad inserts that stick on the back of the shoe — usually to prevent blisters, but these have made heels that were half a size too big for me fit snugly.

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