Coffee Break: Power Bank Solar Phone Charger
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Until very recently, we still had a landline (no, we're not 70 years old). After our son was old enough to get a cell phone, we no longer needed it for him (for calling 911 and such), but when we finally canceled it (it was $70/month!), I wanted a replacement backup option in case of a power outage.
I think my power-outage fixation stems from childhood memories of a week-long power outage after an ice storm. Plus, my iPhone 12 Mini doesn't have a great battery life.
This charger from, uh, Mregb, gives me peace of mind. It charges phones and devices via two USB ports and has a battery capacity of 42,800mAh, and you can charge it via sunlight or a charging cable. It also has a bright LED flashlight that supposedly lasts 100 hours. While this thing is bulky, and heavy at one pound, it's not like I'll have to carry it around. And hey, you can pretend you're camping or something.
Fortunately, I haven't had reason to use it yet, but it has thousands of great reviews at Amazon and is a bestseller.
The charger is under $30 at Amazon and available in four colors.
Sales of note for 4/21/25:
- Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
- Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
- Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
- The Fold – 25% off selected lines
- Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
- Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
- J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
- J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
- Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card
what is your favorite pair of shoes right now? which ones do you wear the most?
for me: my favorite pair of shoes are some red Fly London platform sandals
the ones I wear the most are my athletic walking shoes
Favorites: my white Adidas court sneakers.
Most wear: black leather Chelsea boots, because it’s still snowing here and foot freedom is but a dream…
Favorite right now is a pair of white western-style boots bought on clearance.
Most worn: Doc boots in winter, Teva sandals in summer.
Hokas, light blue with a white sole.
If you moved to the suburbs from a city, what do you like about the suburbs? And similarly, if you live in a city instead of suburbs what do you like about the city vs the suburbs?
I think it’s all about lifestyle. I’m a forever DINK so the amenities of the city are ideal for me. I basically never drive, my house is so cute, everything is close, etc. If I had kids I’m sure I’d prioritize builder grade square footage over a historic home.
When I lived in and visit the suburbs I like the quiet and the space away from neighbors. In the city I LOVE having multiple ways to get places and not being dependent on a car. We live in a much smaller house in the city (with kids!) than we would in the suburbs and I like that we have no reason to buy more stuff.
We moved to the suburbs in a midwestern city from one of the major cities. We love the lower cost of living and we really appreciated having the extra space during the pandemic. Our current city has a decent food scene but we still miss the vibrancy of our old major city and the feeling like people were always discovering something new and exciting.
We moved to Westchester from NYC and appreciate just about everything you’d expect – a garage vs. alternate side of the street parking, a yard, in-unit laundry, better grocery stores, better schools, etc. I miss my family/friends who stayed, not being able to walk to very many places, the restaurants, the culture (broadway/concerts/etc.), and having access to just about any kind of store I could ever want.
My husband is NOT a city person but agreed that our next big savings goal can be an apartment in Boston in an elevator building with the goal of retiring to MA. As a born and raised city kid it is hard to convince someone who prefers quiet and space that staying in the city is better (or vice versa as my family is vocal about never, ever leaving).
As someone raised rural who has lived in suburbs and the city, I feel like I can never truly relax in a city. It’s an exhausting state of being. I could never marry someone who wanted to live in the city forever, not unless they were rich enough that we could spend every weekend in our cabin in the mountains. I need to be able to see the sky and plants and not have traffic noise. I also love hiking and gardening and camping, which are just difficult to do and store the equipment for when you live in a city.
I live in a small city that has a suburban feel in parts, though I live in the less suburban area. I love being able to walk, bike, take the train or bus to get to what I need. I also love being able to drive and find parking easily enough in many places.
I could get a bit more house for my dollar in the more suburban parts, but having more transport options and being able to walk to a nice downtown is totally worth the smaller space, especially with kids (it’s great not to have to pile kids into the car to go to the park or library).
I posted recently about being a city dweller who can’t wait to buy a house in the suburbs. Suburban things I want: Attached garage, basement for extra storage, a safe and clean environment, ability to run errands in my car (throwing stuff in the trunk, not having to strategize based on train routes), renovating the bathrooms to meet our needs, no more public trs-prt with obnoxious or sketchy people, proximity to our parents and friends, large stores with expansive inventory.
Things I’ll miss about the city: Getting a second drink without arranging a DD, the sheer number of restaurants, my balcony garden that’s free of flower-eating critters. End of list, that’s it.
What kind of city do you live in where there aren’t urban row homes with garages and basements?
Where I live we have lots of urban row homes with basements but garages are rare – the row homes are all from the early 1900s.
This is the same in most cities… where are you that row homes have garages?
All the homes here are from the 1900s too. Garages are typically converted carriage storage. Just wanted to confirm the houses do exist.
Oh. The people who lived in my neighborhood when the row homes were new were working class. No carriages or garages here!
What city are you in?
Toronto! It’s certainly not special though I’ve seen row homes that look exactly the same in many cities Chicago, NY etc… and of course the row homes with proper garage or driveway command a premium vs the ones where you’re stuck with street parking
Yeah I’m in Philly, formerly DC and Baltimore and they also are a) super, super rare snd this super, super expensive here and b) the vast majority of row homes with parking are new construction. Anything built in the era of carriages (most of Center City, South Philly, closer in West Philly) doesn’t hard parking. My neighborhood is mostly old 1900s row homes and none have parking.
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I live in DC and rowhouses with garages basically don’t exist. To the extent you can find a house in the city with a garage, you are paying a massive premium that most people can’t afford
In Chicago they exist, but they’re minimum $1M if you want one in decent shape and a safe, walkable neighborhood that’s less than an hour commute from work.
Philly here – while basements are common, garages are rare, unless it’s one of those new construction rowhouse developments that are 1-2MM depending on neighborhood. Vast majority street park or get a monthly pass for a nearby garage or lot.
DINKs living in the city. It makes me so happy to be able to walk for a coffee on a weekend morning, or walk home from dinner after having a drink. Really, I am motivated by food and being able to walk, not unlike a puppy.
I too am puppy. Snacks in close proximity is essential.
These two comments have made my afternoon <3
i live in the city technically, but feel like i live in the suburb. very few cities in the U.S. are true walkable/public transportation living. many others require a car. I live in Houston, but in a 4500 sq foot house with a two car garage and backyard, i am however, originally from the east coast, and have lived in NYC/DC/Philly and while our life right now is very easy with two elementary aged kids, i actually think with real littles, not having to get in/out of a car all the time is easier.
I’m about to move to the burbs and I’m dreading it. But, I got laid off (thanks DOGE) and my new job is in the burbs and it would be too far to commute from the city
I’m going to be in a somewhat walkable town, but it’s still not the same.
Pros: parking is easier, more access to nature and my outdoor hobbies, looking forward to driving for errands
Cons: yes my town is walkable, but I can walk to like 10 places (currently I can walk to like 100), most of my friends are still in the city and all but 1 of my suburb friends are in different towns, having to drive most places, having to make advance plans to see most friends, ability to have a few drinks and walk home after a night out with friends, concerts and sporting events are all in the city and are now harder to get to and I have to deal with parking, can no longer walk to work.
Grew up in the burbs, moved to the city for college and never looked back. Love about the city-
-in a rowhouse with a roof deck, so we can get outside without dealing with elevators, but have only 13 feet of sidewalk to manage (container garden, shovel)
-drive our car 1x a week in summer (shore days) and 1x a month fall-spring (big errand days)
-walk everywhere, whether work, appointments, shopping, dining, and easy fun cycling for exercise
-less square footage means less to furnish and maintain and heat and cool
-traveling is extremely easy; we’re a 15min Uber from the airport or a 15min walk to Amtrak, plus commuter rail
about the only thing I wish I could have is a backyard private pool, and for furniture makers to offer more smaller-scale pieces! like forget even glancing at the RH catalog; their smallest sofa would take up half our downstairs.
To me the suburbs are the worst of all worlds. Car dependent, hard to connect with others, no services or stores in the neighborhoods. Current situation is a tiny rural town that has all the basics within a short walk or bike ride. Prior house was in a medium size southern city where I got around without a car with some difficulty (mostly cars from the suburbs doing their best to kill me)
After living in several different suburban areas, I recently moved to a residential area in a city, which I feel like is the best of both worlds. We bought a SFH in a quiet neighborhood with basement, garage, and small yard, but it’s still very walkable, and all the amenities of a major city are within a 10-15 minute drive, as are lots of parks and natural areas.
We live in a residential area of a city and agree with this. Our street and neighborhood are mostly SFH with some apartments and townhomes, can walk to coffee shop, park, grocery. We use our cars most but not all days, and if we drive it’s very minimal distance usually – hands down the biggest quality of life reason for living here is short commute. It’s LA though so hiking and certain city amenities like concert venues can be either 20 minutes or 100 minutes depending on time of day! I do like what others posted above about living somewhat minimally – we’re not minimalists, and I appreciate having things like ski gear stored in our garage, but our house is much smaller than when we were in the burbs and we are pretty circumspect about what we own and hold onto.
Moving to a walkable suburb against my will. Would never, ever, ever live in a non-walkable suburb.
Looking forward to easier parking and access to trails and an unfinished basement I can use for a gym and storage. Excited for a deck (though I already have one in the city) and a bigger apartment thats more conducive to hosting … not that I’ll host much as my friends are not as close as they are now. Also looking forward to being in a better funded town: libraries, parks and rec, hobby classes, etc.
I’m thankful my new town has a walkable main street with bars and restaurants and is a < drive from groceries and big box stores. But, even bring walkable to bars – Itll get old going to the same old places. Grateful my new town has good trail and river access. Very happy my new town has a train that goes downtown (and my apartment is 5 blocks from the train).
I’m going to miss being able to walk to EVERYTHING downtown: work, 8 or so friends, 100 bars and restaurants and coffee shops, all of my errands.
I don’t like that my new town (like most burbs) has a volunteer fire department. EMS is a mix of volunteer and a neighboring borough. It doesn’t make me feel safe. Also no public pool which is disappointing – private swim clubs are $$, have years long waiting lists, and family oriented. Most towns in my area have public pools so I’m salty we don’t have one.
We moved to the ‘burbs shortly after the birth of our first child. My husband always worked outside the downtown proper, where the commute was easier from the suburbs, even though I worked downtown. Originally it was easier to find daycare we liked through the move, but as our kids have aged, I do prefer our schools out here (our school is still relatively diverse, but the building is less than 10 years old and has so many nice amenities versus the old ones in the downtown).
As our kids have gotten older, I have really appreciated that nearly all kid activities are in our suburb. My friends that still live downtown come out to my area for gymnastics, theatre, and many sports. It makes my evenings and weekends easier.
I’m pretty lucky in that I can walk to a coffee shop, post office, library, shops and restaurants and even a few tiny museums. That said, the town is a blink and you’ll miss it place. A few blocks of mostly beautiful old buildings giving way to a waterfront park. Everything is charming; nothing is cool. Especially me. The commute from the city is an epic poem. MAGA politics and attitudes are prevalent. But I’m just not a city person. The daily indignities just added up to a baseline stress that I wasn’t cut out for. The subway, the filth, the crowds, smells coming from other apartments, lugging home milk, shared laundry. My daily life is just so much more pleasant here. It ages you in its own way though.
I live in an urban-suburban area, so best of both worlds. My street is a line of SFHs zoned to mediocre (Greatschools 5) schools, but we are within a half mile of 10+ restaurants, a library, multiple parks, and – yes – 20+ story high rise apartments. There is no zoning, so the neighbors are anything from 1920s homes that have seen better days to 5000+ sqft new builds. Also within a quick walk are a pawn shop and a strip club! I really love it. Biggest advantage over true suburbs is obviously walkability, diversity, convenience. Biggest advantage over true “city” is I have a huge backyard.
One door to the outside.
NYC to Westchester here. I think parenting babies and high school students is easier in NYC (babies because you don’t have to wrestle them in and out of car seats, HS students because they can get themselves around on their own two feet or public transportation, I’m going to be chauffering my kids until they’re 16). Also as a former city kid raising suburban kids I do think that I was savvier/ more sophisticated/ more aware that not everyone was like me. I do think having school aged children is easier in the burbs at least if they play sports.
I hate commuting, miss being 15 minutes from office on subway. Also find it difficult to get a meal after 9 in the burbs.
No right answer. Ultimately we moved because the amount of space we could afford in NYC was feeling increasingly ridiculous but if we’d been able to afford a really gracious three bedroom we would happily have stayed.
I live in the suburbs and still walk tons of places – restaurants, grocery store, etc. If I can’t walk, I can often bike. It’s not a guarantee you’ll be driving everywhere if you leave the city!
I like having space and not sharing walls. There are still plenty of annoying noises in the burbs (barking dogs, leaf blowers, etc.) but hearing and feeling thumping on your ceiling or walls has always been unnerving to me in a way that the annoying elderly neighbor who insists on mowing his lawn at 6 am isn’t. I don’t think the lawn mower is breaking into my house.
I’ve lived in the city all my adult life. I like walkability. I hate having to get into my car to go everywhere. I like having a huge variety of places to go, things to do, festivals, markets, places to eat/drink/shop, and I especially like having non-chain options. Life feels more vibrant and connected in the city. Suburbs make me feel isolated.
There are trade offs, but the city is much better for me on balance.
My soul dies every time I have to eat at a chain. Visiting some suburban relatives this weekend which I know means a Denny’s and Applebee’s trip, the dread is so much.
I don’t dislike all chains, but I do feel like the quality of your average Dennys/Chili’s/etc. has gone down quite a bit over the past few decades and there is very little in the way of OK-tasting fresh fruit or vegetables at some of these places. It always makes me wary of long road trips.
I moved to the suburbs in the last year, from the heart of the city. I’m happy with our home and suburb but I do really miss the city a lot, and probably would have stayed there if we could have afforded a similar amount of space + private school.
What we like about the suburbs: proximity to our friends, ease of driving/parking for social meet ups, kid friendliness of everything including restaurants, nation-leading public schools
What we miss about the city: walking everywhere, really liked not putting the kids in the car when they were little – just stroller plus scooters, proximity and variety of coffee shops / restaurants / playgrounds, negligible time commuting, anonymity offered by the crowds, world class museums and library with weekend programming, <10 minutes to the airport
What we don’t miss (and some of the big things that pushed us over the edge): the boom in mopeds and motorized bikes zipping in and out of traffic, running red lights, riding on sidewalks and in pedestrian only areas plus general encroachment of grit and crime over the past ~2-3 years in areas that historically (for the last ~20 years) had been very safe
It’s wild to me that the burbs have good schools in the states. In Canada the best schools are always in the expensive urban neighborhoods.
Grew up in a non-walkable suburb, live in a city. Love being able to walk to things like restaurants, the grocery store, the movies, a bar, coffee shop, etc. My teenagers are learning/going to learn to drive, but they can bike or walk to school and have so much more independence than I did in my suburb. While I grew up with parents who routinely took us to the city for museums, better restaurants, etc., it’s so nice to be able to go to our local art museum and not feel like I have to see everything that day because it’s only 20 minutes from my house. While my neighborhood is pretty close-knit, I do like that the city is a bit more anonymous than my pretty small-town suburb.
I never know what qualifies as city vs suburb. I lived in the Bay Area (Palo Alto/Mtn View) and then moved to a Midwest college town. Neither really seems like a true city or suburb to me. The peninsula region of the Bay Area is much more urban in many ways (better food and entertainment options, much higher population density, obviously way more $$ per sq foot for housing) but also more suburban in others (much less walkable/much more traffic). Anyway, I prefer the Midwest college town. Our house is <1 mile from playgrounds/parks, baseball and soccer fields, our kids' elementary (though not middle and high school), our gym, and a decent number of coffee shops and restaurants. I do really wish we had a library in walking distance. I like having more space in our house, and a garage and basement. We're day tripping distance from Chicago, so we can go for theatre, restaurants and museums, which really helps scratch the big city itch.
I’ll put in a vote for small rural college towns in blue states. MCOL, lots of independent restaurants, coffee shops, and bookstores, an amazing arts scene since all the artists and writers move out here from NYC and take the train into the city to see their agent or publisher. . . It’s quiet and peaceful and kids still walk home from school in groups without an adult and set up lemonade stands in the summer. The only downside is that life here follows farm hours so everything opens at 6 am and closes by 9 pm.
Has anyone done a creative retreat at home?
(ie dedicated a weekend or few days to focus soley or intentionally on a hobby or creative project)
How did you structure your time? What limits did you put for yourself?
Suggestions for getting the most out of my time?
It literally just came to me that I could do a retreat at home to focus on a particular project where I’m losing steam on the last 40% . I thought about staying in a hotel or something for a few days but may save that for another time.
I’ve done a DIY retreat in a hotel and it was really amazing — I do think you have to get away from your regular stuff in order to do it, otherwise the chores and other procrastination tools that keep you from doing your hobby are still there.
You might be able to swap homes with a friend to do it if you’re on a budget?
I would schedule a deep clean the weekend before to minimize distractions.
You might find some good ideas if you search for how to prepare your home for a staycation. It’s a different idea, but similar logistics.
How is that any different than just doing the thing?
Same, this is basically most weekends for me as an empty nest introvert.
Had my first colonoscopy last week. The suprep made me extremely nauseous, I threw up about 2/3 of the first and again of the second portions. From the second portion on, I felt extremely nauseated. They gave me Zofran at the hospital and that helped for the rest of the day but I still felt nauseous the next few days. I’m six days out and I still feel a tinge of nausea. I can eat mostly normally but my stomach just feels a little unsettled. I’m also still feeling somewhat dehydrated despite drinking copious amounts of water. Is this normal?
This is a good question for your doctor but are you drinking only water? You may need electrolytes (from gatorade, liquid IV, or broth based soup).
I recommend pedialyte popsicles for nausea – they helped me more than drinking the stuff.
But it does seem extreme to still be feeling bad. I would call your doctor.
Yes to electrolytes. It’s possible to drink too much water. If you find yourself drinking a ton of water then you need to add electrolytes and maybe throw in a salty meal like pizza. Also a beer might help.
Not normal in my very limited experience.
I’ve done prep with sutab tablets three times (two colonsocopies and once was for surgery to remove my ascending colon for the cancer they caught). I didn’t experience any of that. In fact, I was ready to eat a short time after the colonoscopies. My husband has done prep traditional and with the tablets and no nausea though he said he didn’t think he could drink more water if his life depended on it –it was a lot of fullness for him.
Definitely call your doctor ASAP. Three days later shouldn’t have anything like that. I don’t want to scare you, but they may want to rule out any sort of thing that might be creating partial obstruction. (My husband once had nausea when he had scarring from a surgery related to his crohn’s develop and it’s possible to get “kinks” as well.)
Seconding this. For me the Suprep liquid tasted gross, but not unbearably so. I was not nauseous at any point. Went home from the morning procedure, ate a giant breakfast, and chilled out on the couch. My digestion was back to normal in 24 hours.
My stomach was somewhat upset for a week after my one and only colonoscopy. I got entirely better after that. I was also extremely nauseated and barely able to tolerate the prep, but I didn’t throw up.
I’m not a doctor but this doesn’t seem normal to me.
I’d call, too. The prep also did a number on me; I could only get down 1/2 of the suprep before feeling awful, so my doctor had me switch to miralax and Gatorade for the second dose (and do it at like 3am so it had time to work). THAT made me throw up, due to the quantity of liquid, and I was ill and shaking by the time of my procedure.
My appetite recovered pretty much right away, though. I did feel “stretched out” and uncomfortable for several days afterwards; I called and they said that can happen, especially if you are on the smaller side
23 and Me just filed BK. All of that data…….
This will be interesting to watch playout.
Yeah… too bad. I predict they will be bought quickly by a big biotech or pharmaceutical company like Merck. They have already been in a financial partnership with GlaxoSmithKlein for years doing research on the genetic data.
That data is really valuable.
That seems like a best case scenario to me.
+1
Sounds icky at first glance, but actually the best scenario.
If you live in CA, you have privacy rights: https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/23andme-bankruptcy-ceo-steps-down-20237967.php
Honestly, I see why people are curious and ancestry is fun and all… but I never could understand why anyone trusted a company with their genetic information. I lol’d at a subhead that said “your information is at risk of being used in ways you did not authorize or intend” because that was literally ALWAYS the case. see also, a billion cybersecurity breaches in every sector ever, including healthcare.
As you point out, there are healthcare cybersecurity breaches, and yet we still need genetic testing for health conditions, so how do we even avoid it?
Have you ever had any friends with a really strong gender preference for kids and they insisted on discussing? How do you respond?
This goes beyond the usual like I grew up in an all girl house so I want girls or every man wants a son. Every single time I’ve heard those things in my friend circle, once people get a child of the opposite gender they are over it in two seconds, can’t imagine anything different.
Was at a brunch with a friend that was downright uncomfortable as she clarified everyone including all grandparents are meh about her expecting a girl, they really wanted a boy. They’re apparently pursuing surrogacy on an expedited basis, as in she and her surrogate are pregnant at the same time. They had been doing IVF before this accidental pregnancy, so I have to assume surrogacy is to pursue a boy.
Normally I’ve of the – have whatever kind of family you want – it’s no one’s business. This was just so direct I was a bit stunned and no amount of well that’s great, good luck with everything, say aren’t these pancakes great – would get her off the topic bc because she wanted to discuss. What would you have said? And what do you think more generally even if you wouldn’t say it?
That poor girl is going to be so neglected.
Seriously. Is there by any chance a strong cultural component at play of the ‘girls become a part of their husband’s family, we need a boy to continue to lineage’? That is the only vaguely understandable reason I can identify other than pure awful misogony. Either way, that poor daughter is in for it.
can’t she finish this pregnancy and then have a boy via IVF?
If she brought it up at girls brunch I would at least clarify that this is absolutely wild, and that its understandable if she’s angry about the situation and uncomfortable with the surrogate. Is she supposed to raise the surrogates son? Who organized all this?
She may be uncomfortable with this but its hard to say that in front of her husband and her family.
OP here – she and her DH organized it. It won’t be the surrogate’s son, it is genetically their son using their IVF embryo just being carried by a surrogate.
And yes they could’ve had a boy via surrogate and IVF in a year or two years or whenever. I’m unclear why it had to be NOW. She didn’t seem uncomfortable as she was discussing openly how they paid tens of thousands extra to jump to the front of the line for the surrogate, otherwise the waitlist for the surrogate via agency was going to be two years. I didn’t say it but in my head was thinking – two years would’ve made perfect sense as the two kids would be a year and a half apart in age, different grades at school, the girl would get a chance to be the baby of the house.
Maybe some sort of fairy tale type estate planning is in play. “If you produce a son and heir by your 30th birthday you’ll inherit the billion dollar industrial empire”. That would track with paying a huge fee to jump the line for the surrogate.
I mean people have twins on purpose, getting the baby phase out of the way doesn’t sound crazy to me. Neither does wanting a boy and a girl. Instead of judging, I’d have asked my friend more questions.
As someone who has birthed children, it is so offensive to say that the surrogates baby isn’t the surrogates son. Anyone who has carried a baby for 9 months surely has a bond with that baby. You’d hope so…the baby will recognise the mom’s voice, smell etc. I absolutely hate that women can be used as vessels for misogynists to have a boy. Vomit worthy.
this is very very strange. my whole life i’ve wanted a daughter…ended up with two at once (fraternal twins – though i really wanted one bc i didn’t love having a sister). anyway, maybe maybe if i’d had twin boys I’d have wanted to try for #3, but i also know that there is no guarantee. i do know some people who’ve had to pursue therapy due to gender disappointment, which i think is understandable. but what your friend is doing is so odd. why cant she have the girl and then when they are ready for a second, use IVF to have a boy? i know someone whose mother got pregnant accidentally while a surrogate was pregnant (the mother was told she could not get pregnant, which is why they pursued the surrogate). this was years ago and the kids are now grown adults in their 40s, and it is unnecessarily complicated to have two kids in the same grade who aren’t twins. this was also in the days when the surrogate was more than just a gestational carrier, so the parents felt so guilty that one child was fully theirs genetically and the other wasn’t, that they ended up paying for college for the one who wasnt, but not for the one who was
A close girlfriend had 2 sons and then (story at the time) was her husband let her try for #3 and whoa it was a girl! Girl is now 10 and from my friend’s FB posts (all about how amazing it is to be a mom to a daughter) I’m assuming they had to have done IVF or something where they could pick… there is no way in he!! this husband would have let her try for #4 if #3 hadn’t been a girl.
That’s unhinged and I feel so bad for the girl baby.
I really wanted a daughter, and I do think it was easier for me to be one and done because our only is a girl, but I never in a million years would have pursued surrogacy or IVF to have a daughter if I’d gotten a boy. Even if we’d decided to go for a second kid and gotten a boy then too.
+1 that this is unhinged. I feel bad for both the girl who is less wanted and the boy who will be expected to perform whatever it is about being a boy the family is so enthralled about.
Yes. I feel for both kids. The girl for the obvious reasons. The boy – well he better be the most handsome, star athlete, high school val, headed to the ivys, and then to an ivy league med school, marrying a beautiful woman and producing twin sons – that anyone has ever seen. That type of thing is also a lot of pressure to put on a kid.
The boy will be loved no matter what. My brother was very much wanted and is a complete failure to launch living with my parents at 30. I owned at 25 (6 years ago) and yet my brother was still the star!
Agree with the poster above. Yes they probably do have a lot of expectation for the boy. But if the boy doesn’t live up to it for any reason, in families I’ve seen that are so boy crazed – it is NEVER the boy’s fault. He didn’t get high school val because the principal is unfair. He wasn’t a star athlete because the coaches took all those other kids because coach is friends with their parents. He didn’t get into med school because med schools are filled with girls these days so girls took his rightful spot. And on and on. For life.
I see you’ve met my parents!
Good job saying nothing or trying to talk about brunch. Not sure I could’ve held my tongue. When I was younger I was much more – sure whatever people want, if they can afford to have their all boy or whatever family, great. As I’ve gotten older things scare me more. I’ve gotten more into the camp of sure you can have preferences but if you have a healthy child, count your blessings even if they don’t align with your exact preferences. And if you believe in any higher powers maybe there’s a reason you were meant to have THIS baby.
This is incredibly sad and messed up. Sounds like you handled it well, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at a friend the same way.
Sounds like the Baldwins, except they apparently wanted a girl after they kept having boys.
The Baldwins? Are you thinking of a different family? Alec’s family of origin was Catholic and I think just wanted a ton of kids. He has two older sisters and three younger brothers. Alec and his current wife had a girl first and a boy second but went on to have like 7 kids. Also why do I know so much about the Baldwins, lol.
Oof I have a lot of opinions on this. I’m generally okay with surrogacy due to infertility or health concerns for the mother. But this just sounds like pure vanity. And she’s jumping the line in front of couples who may have zero kids and no ability to get pregnant on their own. I wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue forever. If it comes up again I would say I have serious ethical concerns about this, and while I support you as a friend I won’t show support for this choice. I can’t stop you from doing this but I’m not going to say anything positive if you bring it up again.
Btw I have said something similar to a friend about a major life decision. I still judge their choice but they stopped trying to talk about it with me.
I had to basically use that script on a friend once. It was so messy.
This is just weird. If they wanted a boy so badly and had done IVF, they could’ve chosen to carry a boy embryo first. I’m guessing the grandparents paid for the surrogate? Are the grandparents sick and want to meet all grandkids right away? Are the parents older and wanted to get all their baby making over with ASAP? I think there’s probably some other timing-related factor at play that she isn’t disclosing.
Right? If it was IVF she could have chosen to have a boy since they evidently had both gender embryos. Something about this does not add up.
OP says her friend’s pregnancy was accidental.
OP here – to be clear they’d been doing IVF for a while and then accidentally got pregnant with a girl but had all these embryos. She does constantly make a thing about being an older mom so yes I do think they want their boy asap – so they went with the IVF surrogate while still pregnant with the girl, rather than even waiting a year. She’s 39, he’s probably three or four years older than her. Like old enough that people want to be done asap but we’re not talking like 50.
And yes I’d imagine the grandparents did pay for the surrogate. His family is very working class but hers is very well off. I could see her dad ponying up. According to her, her parents are going around telling everyone about the surrogacy, how much it costs etc. so I’m guessing it’s because they’re proud to be handling this financially.
Oh that is your answer! At 39 you do not wait and space out your kids! This isn’t weird at all and you’re very judgy.
Paying thousands to skip the line for a surrogate may not be “weird” but it’s definitely … something.
Nope it’s very weird. Especially if she is fine using a surrogate, and has embryos, her age is less of a factor
Hahahahaha, sorry youngs but age is definitely a factor at 39 regardless of whether she has embryos. Your personal energy levels decline and many of us don’t want to be any older as parents than need be.
Sure most 39 year olds are aware of the ticking biological clock. But most don’t do this! Majority of my friends had kids late 30s to early 40s, fwiw.
You’re not supposed to have unprotected sex while doing IVF (you can end up with higher order multiples due to the ovarian stimulation) so your friend’s whole story seems like BS.
This is half true. You shouldn’t during an active cycle. I was “in IVf” for many years, but there are breaks between active cycles. People do become pregnant during the down cycles.
Literally any time gender preferences come up my go-to lines are “the only real difference between girl babies and boy babies is the angle they pee on you” and “everyone knows that gendered baby clothes were invented so companies could sell twice as many baby clothes”. Those takes are hot enough that people either agree with me or avoid me. I would definitely pull those out to try and shut down the conversation.
(I actually do think that there are some meaningful differences between raising girls and raising boys, it’s just that most people who have strong gender preferences in children tend to enforce gender roles strongly, and as a tomboy who loves math, I’m trying to do my part to discourage that sort of thing.)
Maybe I’m playing into stereotypes here, but my three boys were all on a similar spectrum and my girl is clearly on her own. She’s absolutely as mobile as they were (maybe even more so) but has been tuned into faces and playing social “games” from a much earlier age than they were and babbled much earlier, too.
Yes you’re playing into stereotypes. There’s no difference between girl babies and boy babies except their private parts.
This is pretty bad. They’ve made an idol out of gender, and that is a fundamentally flawed mindset with which to embark on parenthood. The first baby is hard for most women (a total shock to the system because it so fundamentally changes your daily life), and this woman is entering into it with two babies, one obtained via morally dubious means, and a whole lot of preconceived notions. I see a crash and burn coming up.
I did have gender disappointment – SO strongly wanted a girl and had three boys. I love my boys but I never did get over it. It felt like grief, honestly, though it certainly wasn’t the predominant emotion of my motherhood. As I like round numbers, and originally thought I’d want four kids, we had one last and it was a girl and it is truly everything I hoped. But if it had been a boy I would have made peace and accepted my family. Never would I pay tens of thousands of dollars to buy a specific type of child.
Im Gen X and don’t know anyone my age who felt this way, but close family friends (my parents’ friends with kids my age) had four boys and mom was more and more depressed with each boy birth. So they agreed to try one more time and miraculously had a baby girl.
She had every pink thing mom and dad could buy. Relatives were ecstatic.
That little girl became the biggest tomboy I’ve ever known in my life. If being openly tr@ns had been a thing back then, I’m sure she would have become a he.
I have always wondered whether the intense pressure to be the girliest of girls pushed her in the opposite direction.
Has everyone seen the war planning group chat?
FLABBERGASTED IS RIGHT!!
Also I was kind of amazed that Vance sounded intelligent. Gift link to anyone who needs it:
https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/03/trump-administration-accidentally-texted-me-its-war-plans/682151/?gift=PEb_GDID3744HtoRx9Zp6YvNLJrHOgEpe0sEjmuZt9o&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
I mean, he is intelligent. He went to Yale Law. He’s evil but he’s not dumb.
And disagrees with Trump?
But yeah as anon @ 3:08 said he did go to Yale Law and presumably has reasoning skills and is not dumb. He’s knowingly evil.
Vance is definitely intelligent. Which makes him more dangerous!
Thanks for the link!
BUT HER EMAILS
Yep. Any of us would be under the jail (and deservedly so) if we did this. Any other administration would be facing mass resignations and probably prosecution. Meanwhile, these folks do what they like with impunity while half the country cheers it on. Our adversaries are so much better at playing the long game than we are and this will not end well when they take full advantage of our screwups.
wtf?!? and remember Hillary’s emails…the hypocrisy.
also, since they seem to want to run the government like the private sector. wouldn’t the appropriate response to all of these people be Trump’s favorite tagline of “you’re fired”
In the non-government sector, at least in financial reporting, we are constrained by multiple layers of SOX controls and other controls. In my entire organization (insurance company), we aren’t allowed to text for anything work related – for example, we can text our coworkers but only for non-work reasons like “I’m at the elevator now” or “heads up, I will be sending you the document later”. Government has gone wild and are just doing whatever the h3ll they want.
she just posted the story on her FB page with the comment, “you have got to be kidding me”
I REALLY hope that poster here who was struggling emotionally with a big law fuck up under her name/bar number sees this. Look, girly, whatever you did, tell yourself at least you did not illegally text war plans to a journalist!
I thought of her, too!
I’m not sure what I am actually asking but thought you all might help me at least formulate how to think about this.
I work in an office suite comprised of an outer area and two internal rooms. We recently hired someone new who reports directly to me. We also recently moved to this new set of rooms. He has one internal room and I have the other. I can’t recall this issue being too noticeable before the move when we had two adjoining offices next to each other but now whenever I come into our office suite, there is a faint musty smell that is very noticeable as soon as you walk in. I can’t tell if it’s because of our new hire or not. It’s not a BO smell, per se, but it reminds me of certain nerdy boys in high school and college who just smelled musty, for lack of a better descriptor, or maybe how my dad’s sweaters would sometimes smell after my parents got divorced and he didn’t do laundry as much and considered things clean unless they were actually stained or he exercised in them. But this is usually a smell that you can only smell in close proximity whereas here it is immediate and constant.
I’m not sure how to approach this. On the one hand, I’m not even sure if it’s the office or the new hire. It’s definitely stronger in his room and outside his room than in mine, but I can also smell a bit it when he’s not even there, so maybe it’s not him? I don’t think I can just say something. But I also don’t want to have people who visit me greeted by this smell, and I don’t want to live with it myself either. So far, I have tried to get one of those bad air sponge things in the hopes it would help but I have noticed no difference. I don’t want to just cover it with some strong perfumed plug in because that creates other issues. I just want to not smell anything. Is it possible that someone who doesn’t really smell bad could make an entire 3 room suite smell kind of “not that bad”?!
This seems more likely to be the office than him. Maybe the previous occupant of your office was just tidier or something. Has the office been deep cleaned and the carpets steamed?
Does the other party bring a gym bag in with them?
I work closely with a colleague who never smells bad himself, but he brings his gym bag in for his lunch hour workouts and it smells like…man. Not BO, not mildew, just very heavy, musky, man-scent. When he was in a small-square-footage office with stagnate air flow, it was really strong. Thankfully, he has moved to a larger, more well-ventilated office and it isn’t noticeable at all.
Maybe? He has a backpack. I’m not sure if I can ask what is in it.
Perhaps the office was aired out by the previous occupants when it was being shown.
Talk to your building management and ask them to check the HVAC. Could be a number of things contributing to a bad smell.
Do you and New Hire ever go off-site together? If the smell follows him, you have your answer.
First I would wait to conclude if it’s the office or new hire until a day when you’re in the office and new hire is not. That’s a somewhat easy test.
After that, no clue. We also have a new hire with a particular scent, I can’t quite place it. Not BO, not dirty, but definitely noticeable. A visiting colleague commented one day – what smells like popcorn? and that’s the closest I can come to describing it. I can’t imagine addressing it. I open windows on nice days, and honestly do use essential oils in my office although I know that’s not for everyone (luckily it’s not a public office with visitors).
Can you set up a fan in the outer area to keep some air circulating?
also try unscented Febreeze – i think that’s the one formulated to actually “de-scent” a place rather than cover up scent.
OP might also try a hypochlorous acid spray – there’s a light bleach smell at first but when it dries there’s no scent at all. I like the hypristine brand on Amazon.
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If this was your mid 20s aged child, what would you say if anything? Or if you were the kid in this situation, what would you want your parents to say?
Son graduated a masters degree a year and a half ago and has been working at a consulting firm doing urban planning. Loves the city he lives in now and appeared to like work – likes his coworkers, bosses, has a nice hybrid situation. In December he visited and was starting to talk about how urban planning isn’t his passion because all he deals with is traffic volume, he wants to be in climate change, green tech. DH and I gave the standard off the cuff advice – apply for jobs, talk to people in that space, see if there are networking groups. DH also added the caveats that it’s easier to find a job if you have a job and we don’t know if climate change work will take a hit with this new administration, so keep on top of your current job just in case a transition takes time.
Fast forward three months, DS comes home for a visit and annouces he’s quit his job, this isn’t his passion, he’s volunteering with organizations doing climate change work. His volunteering is along the lines of hosting book clubs to discuss climate issues or running drives for people to recycle clothing. Luckily we haven’t had a conversation about this as he announced it when he came home for a grandparent’s birthday and it wasn’t the right time or place.
I suspect he, DH, and I will sit down at some point before he leaves and DH and I aren’t really sure what to say. Part of us is like – yes you’re young, no responsibilities, you should be pursuing what you want, and given that you’re making your own ends meet, who are we to object. But as DH said to me this morning as we were headed off to work – it is kind of rich that he thinks he should ONLY get to do the things he wants to do, that he has passion for, and a year and a half at a passionless job was too much. Not that we want our kid to slog and be miserable but IDK I guess part of us thinks, adult life at times requires that and you don’t just up and quit. Would you say anything or just give him a hug as he leaves and tell him we’ll always be here. This isn’t a financial question – both our kids know if they want to live at home ever, they can. But if they want to pursue lives in any other city, that’s on them financially, so that deal hasn’t changed.
how is he paying his bills? i think i’d start there, making it clear that he cannot go into credit card debt for this.
maybe steer him towards professors where he got his masters? (did you pay for the masters? did he? isn’t half the value of grad school any job placement you get afterwards?)
Masters was a combination of him getting grant money and us paying for it. So he doesn’t have loans. The consulting job that he got was through his masters – he did various internships and this one resulted in a full time offer. TBH we’d be less concerned by this if he did this out of undergrad because it’d be like oh he can explore for a year or whatever and then go back for a masters. Now with a masters done and we aren’t paying for another, it’s time to start building a career.
As for how he’s living, he has some savings but given that this was a first job paying less than 100k, it’s not like he has the runway of having a year of living expenses or anything close. Thus far he hasn’t made us aware that he’s working any type of survival job like Uber or retail. I can’t say for sure that he wouldn’t work those jobs but I kind of think he wouldn’t. He would more be the type to find some part time laptop gig like data entry or something for some cash.
I think these are the details you can share with him – i.e., that you will not be able to fund another masters or degree, and that while he’s able to move home again if needed, but you’re not able to support him/pay his rent – and then you let him man up. He’s what, 25? He’s not even fully formed.
I think those laptop jobs are few and far between, or end up being scams.
Do you intend to pay for further education if he wants to get, say, a master’s in a different field? If not, I’d tell him this. You gave him the education for something that could have supported him. It turned out not to be his passion, but that doesn’t mean you’re on the hook for further tuition if he wants another degree in his passion field. Ultimately if he’s self supporting, there’s not much for you to say. I would be curious how he’s supporting himself, and I’m surprised you haven’t asked or mentioned how in your post.
Also, I’d wonder if he’s depressed and maybe you can screen for that when you see him in person.
Personally, I think he is a grown man who should make his own choices and deal with the consequences. Some people choose stability and money, others would sincerely rather be broke and focus on their passions. Maybe he will do what many artists I know do – find some bill-paying job that is easy and gives them the mental space for what they really care about. Maybe he will meet others who care about his cause and that eventually leads to a paying job. It is his journey now.
You say that he “up and quit.” Are you sure that’s how he went about it, or was this part of a planned career change? He could have been building his savings and is now doing unpaid work to prepare for his next job.
OP here – we don’t know for sure as he doesn’t share and we’ve always tried to respect his space as an adult and frankly didn’t need to know his career planning timing exactly. If I had to guess I’d say – he decided at some point in the last year that this wasn’t for him so yes he’s been saving. Then when he hinted at this in December, I’m guessing he had set a deadline for himself. Like I am giving myself three months to job search while working and if it doesn’t happen, I’m quitting anyway.
I mean he’s a grown man and it’s his right to do this but IDK I guess I take pause at quitting a job so quickly because you aren’t feeling it. And because let’s be real while he built up savings, we’re not talking biglaw type savings of oh I don’t have to work for three years. He worked for a year and a half at just under 100k, living in a larger southern city, and doesn’t have roommates. He doesn’t live luxury but it’s hardly an eating ramen noodles while living with three other people type of living.
Let’s be real, his generation is going to have a tough go, given the way our country is headed. I think there is a lot of fatalism among them and I can’t say I disagree.
If you’re gonna die broke, might as well do it having done your best to live in alignment with your moral compass.
Not this guy’s parent – but I imagine I’m his parents’ age – give me a break. Yes things are bad in this country politically and will get worse as they break everything. Yeah we’ll probably even see a recession. Recessions happen. Were people not around sixteen years ago? It happened and then recovery happened.
Frankly if he doesn’t want to be broke, what a wonderful time to lean into urban planning with a focus on highway volumes. I’m not saying it has to be the highlight of anyone’s life but that would have been a much safer job as that doesn’t fall on anyone’s vendetta list as being woke like green tech and climate change. And while you’re sitting there with an 80k job at age 25, what a nice time to sock away money in your 401k as stocks hit lows? That’s how you end up not broke. Generation after generation has done it. Some of this I’ll only do what I’m passionate about and I’ll only give jobs a shot for a year is very much gen Z or young millenial.
A+ 5:35. The fatalism is just ridiculous.
If he is not asking for advice, I would not give it.
Sorry to clarify, I would say, “Wow, that’s a big step, tell me more” – keep the lines of communication open, and offer advice only if and when you are asked for it. Some things he may need to learn the hard way. If he were asking for money my answer would be different. I think if you start criticizing his choices–especially now that there is no point–you are just likely to make him tell you less in the future. (Caveat that I have a 12 year old so no experience with this yet as a parent. It took me a while to find a job; I got an MFA, which prepares you for basically no jobs. My parents don’t know enough about the field I am interested in to be super helpful in terms of advice beyond the very basics, so I didn’t look to them for that. It’s possible that is true for your son too.)
I’m 30, so presumably only a little older than your son. But, I’ve also noticed pretty stark generational differences between young millennials and older Gen Z.
I totally agree with you and your husband. I think people should pursue a career they’re passionate about and one that contributes to the greater good. I also know that it’s going to take a grind to get there – you’ll have a few (or more) years that aren’t ideal as you get your foot in the door. I also believe that responsible adults need to make wise for them financial decisions.
I got my “dream job” last year at 29. To get there it required: 6 months making $12 hr at a NGO + a second job in DC (so a HCOL), 1.5 years working a mostly great job (govt contractor) that paid well for the field but I had soon hit my advancement ceiling without a masters and I couldn’t afford grad school yet. Moved back home and took a job in my field in local government – the unit was 24/7/365 so I worked 12 hour rotating night and day shifts, every other weekend, and most holidays. Got promoted to a normal schedule after 14 months but then COVID happened and k worked 60-90 hour weeks, 1-2 days off a month, back to overnights, always on call for 2 years. I never made more than 60k. Moved to the private sector because that helped pay for grad school. Soul sucking and hated it. Felt like I had to compromise my morals. Stayed for 2 years and got halfway through grad school – job reimbursed 50% of grad school. Job was a means to an end. Then, at 29 got my dream job. Finished grad school on
My own, paying my way. Dream job is in the federal government and my department is supposed to get dismantled so soon back to square 1…
All this to say it’s noble he wants to follow his dreams, AND he should. But he can’t expect it to happen right away. It’ll take years to get there. He’s gotta put in the time and pay his dues.
Also: as a fed preparing to lose my job, the climate change sector is getting decimated rn. It’s not wise to purely chase that with no “for now” job
What I would be spouting off to myself about, internally, and what I’d be saying to him, externally, would be two different things. External me would be much more calm and reasonable.
Not the OP but see I grew up in an Asian home and my parenting defaults to how I was raised. There’s no internal or external, it would all kind of come out as so you think you can quit a job in a year with no other real job lined up simply because it wasn’t your passion? Do you think doing tax law and paying the mortgage for three decades was my passion or power plants are your father’s passion or do you think we did it because we had to to make a comfortable, stable life?
Eh this is a flawed take because even if he had a job in tax law or power plants the starting salaries of all jobs haven’t kept up with inflation so he wouldn’t have a comfortable life. Plus older folks have the benefit of buying a house when the market was slower. My boss owns a house in the most expensive neighborhood in my city and his mortgage is $1200! That’s less than half the mortgage any of his subordinates have. So he gets twice as nice a house for half the price
I’d say make your own choices but we aren’t your backup plan.
This is pretty much my take.
And hand him a copy of The Defining Decade by Meg Jay.
I think be super clear about the fact that you’re not paying for more school or rent, so he has to be realistic about this. And share some examples of how sometimes you have to work to get to your dream job or career. I work in something similar to climate change and my parents might think I’m underpaid but I never did anything that would prevent me from being able to support myself.
I’m 30, and maybe this is old fashioned, but I do think sometimes jobs require a little slog and you have to make strategic moves. At the same time I have changed jobs more than my parents would probably have liked. It’s worked out pretty well so they’re fine with it now.
I did do my 1.5 years of consulting after undergrad and then went to get a masters in the field. I’m trying to think of how I would have reacted in your kids position because we do have some similarities. I do think at the time I slightly resented some of my dads talks about financial responsibility, but he wasn’t too heavy handed about it and everything he said I knew made sense, so I did eventually implement some of it. And sometimes it was good context from someone who had worked in a corporate environment for a long time vs. my friends who had no clue. So I think its worth telling him what you think. One caveat – don’t frame it as “you should slog bc you have to suffer”. Frame it more as you need to position yourself intelligently to be able to make the biggest impact in your sector, and XYZ are ways to get into the positions where you’ll have impact.
I would say nothing unless asked for advice or money. I would want my parents to leave me the F alone because I would have a plan. That doesn’t necessarily sound like your relationship though, so ymmv.
Not quite this strong and I’m a little older than your son (33) but I also would not want my parents’ career advice. That doesn’t mean you can’t say anything – I honestly think my parents have pretty good judgement (although they don’t know my field and jobs are pretty different now) but I would want to know if they genuinely thought I was doing something really really stupid or unethical. At the same time, the thing that has been absolutely most meaningful to me as an adult is when my parents have just said they’re proud of me – they think I’m smart and awesome and thoughtful and dedicated and they love me, and they’re confident I’ll figure it out. You know your kid and you know whether he errs on the side of being “too responsible”, and maybe this doesn’t apply. And I certainly don’t think I have the right to my parents’ approval of my choices — they’re mine and I’m the only one responsible for how my life goes. But it’s really really good to feel like someone is *for* you, when sometimes life is harder to figure out than you thought it would be. If he’s not asking for support, just tell him you love him
are there any fun hotel sites i should know about for an anniversary NYC trip? i know of hotel tonight for last minute deals… anything else?
I like The New Yorker hotel. Very Great Gatsby.
I have what feels like a silly gardening question. When I am on top, my legs get tired pretty easily. Are there any exercises I can do to build up stamina? Squats?
Horseback riding?
I ride bikes and once asked a pro how to build muscles for riding downhill. He said “ride downhill more often”.
When is it appropriate for a legal team member, like an investigator or paralegal, to say “whatever you say” in an email response to one of the lawyers on the team? Asking for a friend.
Because tone is so hard to get right in plaintext, I think “whatever you say” risks coming across as short and petulant (like a teen rolling their eyes: “whatever.”) So if the lawyer is taking offense, I think your friend should put some more words around it to make sure they are communicating what they want to communicate– are they trying to say “This decision is above my pay grade; I need you to make it” vs “I don’t have a strong opinion;
which way are you leaning?” vs “I disagree, but I’ll get on board if I need to – is this decision up for discussion?”
I really hate these kinds of questions that ask us to make sweeping generalizations about what is obviously a specific scenario. See also: all the untrustworthy boyfriends going on bachelor party trips.
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