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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Colby Travel Pant in OrigamiTech

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A woman standing on a concrete floor wearing a white top, navy pants, and white sneakers

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I hope someone is doing a detailed case study of M.M.LaFleur and how a company focused on women’s workwear adapted to survive in a post-2020 world. (This Fast Company story about how a group of women investors saved it from the brink of collapse is great.)

These travel pants are a bestseller, and while the look is a bit more casual than some of the earlier options M.M.LaFleur offered, they look like a great pick for an elevated business casual look or for a long travel day when you still need to look pulled together at the end.

Pair them with a coordinating blazer if you need to, but I think they look fabulous on their own.

The pants are $235 at M.M.LaFleur and come in sizes 00-20. They are also available in five other colors. 

There are a bunch of other great pull-on pants for the office in 2025. Some of our longstanding favorites include those from Athleta*, Eileen Fisher*, Betabrand*, and Uniqlo. If you're looking for something a bit more polished but still ultra comfy, check out Nic & Zoe* or NYDJ*. (Brands with plus sizes are marked with asterisks.)

comfortable pajama pants from Eileen Fisher
Eileen Fisher
woman wears gray pants with black top and black shoes
Uniqlo
best comfortable work pants for women - Athleta
Athleta
comfortable athleisure work pants from Lululemon
Lululemon
a really comfortable pant, the Dream Pant from Everlane
Everlane

Sales of note for 4/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – 7,710 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event: 30% off your entire purchase, including 100s of new arrivals
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
  • Boden – 25% off everything (ends 4/27) (a rare sale!)
  • The Fold – Up to 25% off
  • Eloquii – Spring Clearance: Up to 75% off + extra 50-60% off sale
  • J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Up to 60% off sale styles + up to 50% off summer-ready styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100 + extra 20% off $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – 3 pieces for $198. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off entire purchase, includes markdowns

213 Comments

  1. Good morning! I’m looking for your favorite salad dressing recipes. I’m tired of paying to get it from the store.

    In payment, I offer this tidbit: last week I ran into a distant colleague wearing an ankle-length leather dress at our formal workplace. It was making a very loud noise as she walked, so I doubt we’ll be seeing that on her again. Mean, I know, but we all have had that one day of wardrobe malfunction before we realize we can’t quite wear the out fit like that, so I offer this up in shared commiseration.

    1. David Leibovitz has a great French vinaigrette recipe, and I also like the ones I have tried from Mediterranean Dish.

    2. I don’t have a recipe bc everything is done to taste but I love this combo (learned in a French cooking class at a culinary school so it’s legit!): high quality olive oil, a tablespoon of Dijon mustard, about the same amount of honey, red wine vinegar… lately I’ve added finely diced shallot to the mix and it really elevates the dressing. Enjoy!!!

      2. This is my basic recipe as well. There’s also a nice garlicky one on Cup of Jo that has more of an italian flair.

      3. This, although I prefer to use a balsamic vinegar or rice vinegar, depending on my mood.

      4. Same formula: with delicate greens I like champagne or white wine vinegar and shallot. For a hearty or wintery salad I do red wine. Don’t always sweeten.

      5. Yup that’s the perfect base recipe for a vinaigrette. My favorite variation is olive oil, Dijon, a splash of soy (how big the splash depends on the day), and Balsamic.

        I am eating the small-splash-of-soy version on my lunch salad (greens, cucumber, tomato, feta, Kalamata olives) as we speak.

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    3. We have a family dressing recipe that is my favorite – we call it a Caesar even though it’s not a classic Caesar dressing. This serves 2:

      1 garlic clove, pressed
      Dab of anchovy paste
      Salt
      Pepper
      .5 tsp lemon
      .5 tsp red wine vinegar
      Fresh grated Parm
      3 Tbsp olive oil

    4. My Caesar dressing is:

      preferred form of anchovy
      true Lemon packet
      crushed fresh garlic cloves
      Worcestershire sauce
      Dijon mustard
      mayonnaise
      olive oil
      grated pecorino and/or parmesan cheese

      I’d guess it’s about a generous spoonful’s worth and no more of all the liquid ingredients aside from the olive oil.

      Smaller amounts of mustard and Worcestershire can make oil + vinegar taste like an actual salad dressing. Use a balsamic vinegar (I like Pompeian) if you want it to be on the sweeter side.

      Olive oil + lemon juice + crushed garlic + tahini is a good starting place if you like tahini dressings.

      What I really need is a good Ranch dressing recipe since Toby’s is expensive and only available at WF near me, but it’s ruined me for other store bought Ranch dressings.

    5. Cookie and Kate creamy tahini dressing

      Olive oil, lemon juice, shallot, salt, pepper

    6. Panera Bread Green Goddess – they have a recipe posted online
      Love and Lemons Chipotle Ranch Dressing
      I like the two dressings mixed together from Skinnytaste’s Houston’s Grilled Chicken Salad (peanut/honey/lime)

      1. She wasn’t mean – she was offering in a spirit of commiseration. It is definitely awkward to squeak when you walk.

        1. And in the case of a former colleague who repeatedly wore her very squeaky leather pencil skirt in weekly rotation, the noise is awkward for everyone around. The skirt itself wasn’t inappropriate, but the noise was so loud we could not carry on a conversation while walking through the hall together. When she needed to step out of or back into a meeting, the speaker or conversation had to pause until she was done moving.

          The first time, we commiserated with her. The tenth time, it definitely influenced our perception of her competence.

          1. For many years I thought I was the only one who could hear my squeaky shoes or courdoroy rub

    8. If you like a savory dressing, I enjoyed the miso dressing from Smitten Kitchen’s napa cabbage salad.

    9. Shake together in a jar:

      2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
      1 tablespoon honey
      1 tablespoon finely chopped shallot
      1.5 teaspoons Dijon mustard
      1/3 cup vegetable or avocado oil
      Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

    10. From a beloved local restaurant
      Northstar Vinagrette

      1 teaspoon whole grain dijon mustard (Zatarain’s Creole Mustard)
      1 teaspoon honey
      1 clove garlic, crushed or minced (optional)
      1 tablespoon white vinegar
      1 tablespoon water
      1/4 teaspoon salt
      1/4 teaspoon black pepper
      6 tablespoons grapeseed oil (or other neutral salad oil)

    12. Ottolenghi inspired:
      3 Tbsp tahini
      3 Tbsp lemon juice
      1 clove garlic micorplaned/very finley diced or grated
      Mix together and add hot water to achieve desired texture.
      Great on salads but also roasted vegetables. Pairs well with pine nuts and za’atar.

    14. Mince a shallot. Let it macerate in good red wine vinegar for a bit (minutes, but up to 15 is better. Frankly it’s usually 1-2 for me). Add a dab of good Dijon mustard. Whisk in a pinch of salt and olive oil.

      Toss with only the salad greens and taste for salt. Add other stuff (tomatoes, beans, whatever you’re doing) to salad, end with freshly ground pepper.

    15. No salad dressing recipe, but a leather-dress-adjacent story: Last week I was scheduled to give the talk at our weekly Rotary meeting and I decided to resurrect an old favorite pleather pleated skirt that I must have bought more than 10 years ago. I put together a super cute outfit but as I was driving to the meeting I noticed the pleather was deteriorating right before my eyes. Like… it was developing cracks in the outer layer and no way could I even hope to brazen it out as a meeting attendee, much less as the speaker. I had to turn around and go home and change and that made me late to lunch, and it was a Whole Thing. Ugh. (Fortunately still on time for the talk.) So I feel for the lady with the loud dress.

  2. I’m trying to be thrifty and use leftovers, but help me do leftover pasta better. The noodles seem to soak up all of the sauce. Day 1 leftovers are nice and mellowed, even better sauce than the day before. But by day 2, it’s starting to get dry. Other than reserving sauce to pour over or just making 1/3 more sauce than ideal, how can my spag get better? I use the smallest container possible so there isn’t extra air.

    1. I store leftover pasta and leftover sauce separately

      If that doesn’t work, maybe something like a casserole with the leftovers would work?

      1. + 1. It’s never occurred to me that you would store the sauce and pasta separately.

          1. Maybe this is because I’m more of a penne person than a spaghetti person, but I just don’t have this problem. Leftover pasta always heats up just fine for me. Maybe try a different type of pasta?

          2. You coat it in butter just after cooking. Works great for non-wheat based pastas (aka gluten free) too which are very prone to sticking.

      2. Right or put the sauce in the bottom of the bowl
        Then the chicken or meatballs or vegetable toppings
        Then the cheese
        Then the pasta
        Then cover it and bring to work for lunch

    2. I am so excited whenever there is leftover pasta. I fry it on high heat, add a little tomato paste, then add a good amount of soy sauce. Carby salty goodness.

    4. I do exactly that: save some extra sauce to pour on top because refrigerating/freezing.

    5. On the day that you cook, make an appropriate amount of pasta for that day and make extra sauce. Store the leftover sauce in an airtight container and when it’s time to eat it, make more pasta.

      1. That’s what I do. So surprised that lots of people cook more pasta than they’ll eat in one meal. I cook 4 ounces for two of us, 6 ounces for three of us, etc. Then a few days later, I cook more pasta to go with the sauce.

        1. +1, we make the sauce in huge batches and just freeze in serving sizes. Then cook the pasta fresh each time.

      1. That’s an idea — I’m thinking of how to make the Thermos contents more appetizing on something I take out the door (mainly).

    7. I freeze it in single-serving size containers, to take to work as lunch. Generally, you have to add some water when you reheat, but pasta/sauce reheats fairly well–if it’s a hearty kind, not a kind with delicate flavors.

    9. Here’s my two cents as a lover of strategic leftovers:

      Some pasta is better suited for reheating. I find pasta that has a bite to it (penne, rigatoni, cellentani, farfalle, elbows) easier than thinner pasta like spaghetti or linguine.

      1) Store pasta and sauce separately.
      2) Add a bit of water to the sauce when reheating together with pasta.
      3) Fry the noodles in olive oil or butter, season with tomato paste or paprika and some herbs. Crack an egg over it, or, if you feel even fancier, make a scrambled egg mixture and pour over the noodles. Continue to cook on low heat until egg is to your preferred texture. Like an omelet/frittata but with pasta, right?

      4) Casserole: Mix pasta with frozen or fresh veggies (e.g. peas, green beans, carrots, corn, spinach, zucchini). Prepare a mix of heavy cream and milk (or half-and-half), generously season with rubbed sage, veggie broth (I use Knorr powder), salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Cover the pasta and veggies with the sauce and mix so that everything is coated, cover with aluminum foil and bake at 400F for about 40-60 min. 10 min before done, add shredded gouda or cheese of your choice and bake uncovered until bubbly and golden. The amount of liquid to add and cooking time will depend on how much frozen veggies you have (they release water), so check after the 30 min mark, mix again, and continue to bake until you have your desired sauce. My family eats this more often than I would like to admit, haha.

    10. Possible options: 1) echoing Anecdata on storing the pasta and sauce separately 2) divide any portions after Day 1 into individual containers and freeze 3) add a tiny bit of olive oil and extra freshly shredded Parmesan to leftovers before reheating.

    11. When you’re reheating your pasta, are you adding water? That makes all the difference.

      I do not store sauce and pasta separately because I always cook my pasta to al denté and finish it in the sauce pot, with a little of the starchy pasta water if necessary. It’s so much better this way, I wouldn’t be willing to switch just for storage reasons.

  3. Any favorite athleisure sets that can be used for 1) travel and 2) WFH but respectable to leave the house in? I prefer something that is not leggings – either joggers or sweatpants.

    1. I have a couple sets of the Coastal Luxe joggers + matching sweatshirt from Athleta and I really like them – comfy for travel or just WFH.

    2. Take a look at Varley. Lots of matching set options including sweaters, sweatshirts, joggers, pants and shorts all in the same color family.

  4. Has anyone ordered dresses from Cupshe? What is the quality like? We are headed to Europe this summer and I could use a few new dresses. I’m not looking for high-quality but also don’t want a stuff that will be ruined after one or two washings.

    1. So actually yes. The quality was surprisingly good. The material was polyester and there was no liner but it has held up for over a year now and looks great. It’s so easy to wear, never wrinkles. I would say the quality was better than a lot of Amazon stuff and Old Navy.

    3. Following with interest, I live in Cupshe bathing suits in the summer and I just bought a pretty coverup from them. It seems much higher quality than the price tag, but I haven’t washed it yet.

      My favorite packable dresses are from Athleta, if you’re open to recommendations. They are lightweight and pack down really small but aren’t see through.

      1. Oh and they dry quickly, which is handy for washing them in the hotel sink during the trip. Their knit fabrics do pill after a while (as in 2-3 years of regular use) but their lightweight sporty fabric doesn’t. I’ve had one dress for like 10 years and it still looks new.

      2. I think Athleta dresses would stand out in Europe in a not-good way. They are very American

        1. Agree with this if you’re looking at the more tennis-like mini dresses.

          But I think the midi and maxi dresses look fine? (I’m from Germany, so maybe not up to Scandi or French/Italian style if that’s where you’re going.)

  5. Yikes. I realized the hard way that I can’t wear leggings even for a walk and then sit on a solid surface without leaving a dampness impression of where I’ve been. Just wear them for standing / movement and then immediately change out of them? I have a lot of kid activities where I wear something that I can comfortably go for a walk in and if I sit after while I wait to fetch them, horrors ensue. It’s not warm enough now for shorts. Wear a shirt long enough to sit on? Carry a towel? Bleachers and plastic waiting area chairs (and my car seat).

    1. If you sweat that much just from a walk it seems more like a medical issue than a clothing one.

      1. Jesus some of us are really sweaty, okay?

        OP – are these wicking athletic leggings or softer, loung-y leggings? That can impact how much moisture they hold vs what they wick away to evaporate. Alternatively see if joggers or lightweight sweatpants work better. Or decide that it doesn’t bother you (easier said than done).

        1. +1 If it’s a medication side effect and bothersome, asking your doctor if there are alternative medications to try might be the easiest way to manage it.

      4. It really may not be anything like that. Some of us aren’t delicate flowers; some of us are just sweaty. Leggings don’t always hide that fact.

      5. Right. What the heck? You sound like an incredibly judgmental person. Leave people alone.

    3. maybe try different leggings? are you wearing extra plasticky ones? this seems like a lot of sweat…or maybe it’s an issue with a light color showing a small amount of sweat?

      If you are looking for a different bottom, I like the gapfit runaround pants, and a lot of people seem to like the athleta brooklyn. even a slim jogger or track pant will be less likely to show sweat than leggings.

    4. Crotch sweat is real and normal. I would just use normal pants until it is warm enough for shorts. Or let your sweat stain freak flag fly! No one is checking your car seat for wet spots.

      1. Not being able to sit down without leaving sweat stains in everyday situations is not normal. It could be a medication side effect but it’s not an ordinary situation.

        1. It’s not always sweat, sometimes it’s just condensation because some surfaces are cool while bodies are warm. This is really not a real problem, except in some of your imaginations.

          1. OP said she’s leaving sweat stains on public seating. Not sure how that qualifies as imaginary.

          3. It’s definitely a problem if a person is leaving sweat stains all over the place in public venues. She’s not talking about a gym in the middle of a workout. It’s gross if people leave snot, sweat or any other bodily fluids in public. If mediation makes a person sweat that much then use different fabrics and don’t leave sweat stains in public.

        2. Hi, another sweaty betty here. Please stop. Yes it’s sweat, yes it’s medical, no I cannot switch medications because they are keeping me alive and there is no better option. Be glad it’s not you. OP, I usually just ignore it. Or try and wipe it with my leg when I get up.

    5. I’m a really sweaty person too especially in the crotch area! Maybe it’s your underwear making you too hot? Cotton underwear won’t wick moisture, just absorb it.

    6. This is likely a fabric issue. I have this problem with my cheaper Amazon leggings but not with my lululemon or athleta leggings.

      2. Agreed – the light absorbency ones are great for everyday issues like this.

    8. Some of these comments seem off to me – I am not *overly* sweaty and find that athletic wear inherently leaves but prints on some surfaces, especially hard surfaces like stadium seats, black pleather, etc. My solution is to casually smear it with my butt/leg as I stand up and it evaporates in seconds. I think this is inherent to the “wicking” nature of the material.

      In any event, I usually only wear tight leggings to actually work out so I figure if people can’t handle this they need to GTFO of the gym.

      1. I agree with the comments being strange. But also, the mental image of someone scooting around on the seat to disperse the humidity made me laugh a bit.

        1. Scootch your cooch, smear your stain, escape! I appreciate this strategy too.

        2. I wonder what climates these folks live in. This sounds like a not uncommon problem in Florida.

  6. Has anyone been to Roaring Gap, NC? And can someone explain a summer colony to me? Been invited to visit with a kid’s friends to some grandparental house over Memorial Day weekend . I’m from the SEUS, but from very poor rural people who have a summer house, but it is the same exact house that is used for the other 3 seasons.

    1. Have never heard of a summer colony, but assuming it’s a resort town? Where people have seasonal second homes that they typically only visit or use in the summer. For example, my family has a shore house in a town on the Jersey shore. If you go in the off season, almost everything is closed and most people are not there.

    2. I don’t know anything about Roaring Gap, but summer colonies are usually associated with a Protestant church denomination, especially groups that had revival meetings. (Often Baptist or Methodist). I don’t think of them as definitively ritzy— most were originally modest and purely seasonal cottages. For example, there’s still a church-run summer colony on the Boston North Shore where you can buy a 2BR seasonal cottage for less than $300k— everything else in the town is at least $800k (and most places start at $1.5m).

  7. I have an afternoon to kill in Charleston. Any recommendations for things to do? It’s supposed to be low 70s if that matters.

    2. If you see a “Life Raft Treats food truck” it was just mentioned in a WSJ article

  8. My friend had br3ast cancer in her 40s. She beat it then but it has returned. She has a LOT of chemo planned then Surgery and radiation. I’m delivering a meal to her soon. She is divorced and has two teens. There is no “what to expect when your friend has cancer” book to help people like me be helpful and now say anything stupid or act like the sky is falling (but it may be), is there? My grandmother had one occurrence in her 80s and lived another 10 years; my friend is in her mid-50s. We aren’t super close but kids do a travel activity together so we have spent some weekends together over the years.

    1. After acknowledging it, follow her lead on whether or not she wants to talk about her health. And it’s always ok to say I don’t know what to say.

      Even if tempted, don’t ask about Survivability, possible causes, relate stories of others with cancer, or reasons why it couldn’t be you.

      And offer help driving to things related to the activity to the level you’re comfortable with.

    2. Recurrences can be local or systemic and with the latter, it’s considered Stage 4 and uncurable. She may not be willing to share that information. People have reactions to hearing it’s “stage 4” and terminal. In many cases with BC, there are successful treatments that people can be on for years that makes it more “chronic”, at least for some time.

      There’s no guide because there’s no one way to go through this. The best thing you can do for her is be there. Text, email, send food. Be normal. Do not ghost her.

    3. Let’s Take the Long Way Home is a wonderful memoir about close friends, in which one of them (Caroline Knapp, who wrote Drinking, a Love Story) dies of cancer.

      1. I called it “wonderful” in that it’s incredibly moving. I read it when I myself had cancer and still think of it often. They had a beautiful friendship and the book is a really accurate depiction of what it’s like to support someone with cancer.

      2. Just a caution since you said you aren’t super close. Don’t become a cancer vulture. I had people come out of the woodwork and felt really uncomfortable about it. It’s one thing to be supportive. It’s another to feel like you just became someone’s charity case. If I had any idea someone was reading a book like this to better “feel” what I was going through, I would be horrified.

        Be normal, be helpful. Offer specific help and don’t ghost (and be sure to continue offering as treatment progresses and needs and level of comfort with you in her circle may change over time). But don’t turn this person you’re friendly with into a cause of the week.

        1. Thanks. I’m spread too thin for that. But there is a lot I don’t know and her kids are so great and it’s such sudden and seemingly bad news. I can cook and she has requested a meal train, and specific types of food, so doing that and will see how it goes.

          1. Participating in the meal train is perfect. You may also want to see if you can help with carpooling or taking her kids to the sport you all jointly do.

    4. Stage 3 cancer survivor here. (2 years & counting)

      Agree below that cancer vultures (I call them cancer tourists) are the worst! The people who show up from the woodwork and want to know all the gory details, and then offer ideas like tik tok remedies or speculate on what you did to cause it. Don’t be that person.

      I didn’t need people to feed me etc when I was in treatment. The single thing that meant the most to me was friends who would text me every couple of weeks to tell me they are thinking about me, and checking in on how I am doing.

    5. I haven’t had cancer, but I have supported a parent through it. 100% do not be a cancer vulture – that’s a new term to me, and I like it. Nothing about your initial post makes me think you would.

      I think the best things you can do to support her are texts here and there. Both the “thinking of you and hope you’re doing well; let me know if you need anything; no need to respond at all” kind and stuff that you’d think she’d think is funny like memes about life – she probably doesn’t want her entire life to be cancer and it’s nice to get exposure to other things going on.

      The other thing is offering to do errands and/or drive her kids if her kids aren’t driving themselves yet. Treatment is exhausting and she would probably appreciate that help.

    6. My SILs BFF just went through cancer in her 40s. She was single as well, her friends and family made sure someone was there to sit with her through every chemo session, organized yard and house clean ups for her, either doing it themselves or sending texts to a group of people to pool money together to pay for it. They also organized a few girls trips. Sadly we lost her a few months ago, but it was such a great example to me of the what it means to be a friend. I don’t think I’d be able to ask people to do these things for me, but I’m guessing if asked “what is your chemo schedule, can I come sit with you and play cards?” I’d 100% say yes.

  9. Can you remind me where to find good easy-to-prepare vegetarian Insta Pot recipes? We like Indian and other Asian food, prefer low sodium and minimally processed foods.

    1. I have the Vegan Under Pressure book, it’s worth checking out from the library to see if it suits.

    3. Don’t have the name handy, as it is at home, but there is a cookbook for Indian food in the instantpot and it has a lot of vegetarian recipes.

  10. I was just offered a new job. When we were talking about salary requirements I asked if the company would be willing to give me a signing bonus because I will be giving up RSUs that aren’t vested. The HR person said they may be able to but I need to provide proof of the RSUs.

    I can do that for the ones awarded the last two years but the ones I’m supposed to get this year haven’t hit my account yet. I can provide my 2025 comp statement but that would show my current salary (significantly less than my salary target for the role). I thought about blacking out everything other than the RSUs but that seems like I’m trying to hide something. Would you send the unredacted compensation letter or would you black out the information other than the RSUs awarded?

    3. For RSUs. you should have gotten notification at the time of the award for the amount given and the vesting schedule. Can you check back and see if you can locate the award letter? If your company awards shares and they automatically vest, so you don’t yet have a letter for 2025, the best bet would likely be to redact and provide.

      1. +1. I had to provider W2’s as part of the onboarding process for my current job and I just redacted the salary information. In my case they just needed to verify employment dates/locations and HR didn’t say anything about the redactions. I negotiated a hefty step up in salary so I very much did not want to share past base comp.

    4. Try checking with whichever company holds the stock plan account?

      My RSU’s are managed through etrade. I always have a hard time finding it, but if I dig, I can find a vesting schedule of future RSU’s through my portal.

  11. I love the work I do but my manager is toxic and just not a good boss. I’m actively applying and interviewing, but in the meantime I still need to do my job. I wish I could quit now but I can’t afford it. Please give me your advice for getting through this. I’m leaning out as much as I can but I just don’t want to be here.

    1. If you have any flexibility in your working hours, schedule your start/finish/lunch an hour before or after hers in order to minimize your time around each other.

      1. That’s good advice – I already tend to start earlier and end earlier than she does but I’ll look for other ways to avoid her. I did randomly take a day off for no reason when I needed a break.

    2. Focus on the work you like. You didn’t rely how they are a bad manager, but I would try to minimize feeding those areas. Manager bad mouths other employees? I try to change the convo or find an excuse to exit. Manager micro manages? I just accept for my own mental wellness that either I would have done that anyway or perhaps the differing approach isn’t a hill to die on even though I would have done it the “right” way. Manager changes mind frequently and then throws folks under the bus? Document. Treat it like a video game. How do I manage up and out of this new awful challenge that’s keeping me from the work I like?

    3. Keep doing a good job so that YOU can hold your head high and know you did what you could. Don’t do it for your boss’s approval.

      And, I agree with the above poster that minimizing your interactions as much as possible will give you some breathing room.

      1. agree with this –
        keep doing a job that you can be proud of (with receipts if necessary)
        focus on the work and coworkers you like
        avoid interactions with the boss that tend to result in toxicity

        if your office is near hers, can you start working in a conference room or something?

  12. Any advice for dealing with parents who are (still) overly critical and downright mean about every little thing? I’m over 40 and despite my boundaries and putting them on an information diet, they still manage to find things to criticize or disbelieve me about in every interaction. They do it to my husband too, which has actually highlighted this for me. It’s funny what you’ll put up with when it’s directed toward you, but it seems so much more unacceptable when directed toward someone else.

    Three hurtful examples and one stupid one: 1) when I told my mom which wedding dress I picked (this was during covid so she couldn’t be there in person) she said, oh the ugly one? 2) when the cat I’d had for 20 years died, she said, well he had a very unhappy life so it’s good that it’s over. 3) when I told her I was pregnant for the first time on Christmas Day, she said I’ll need to test right away so I can have an abortion if it has downs. I told her we are testing but we already discussed and decided not to terminate for downs. She argued with me for weeks until the test came back that I need to have an abortion if I don’t get results asap. This was after 4 years of trying and 2 years of IVF. The stupid little thing: our house was built in 1960 so it has little surprises for us. DH was trying to install a dimmer switch in the nursery and discovered that there was no third wire (needed for a dimmer) in the outlet/room/electrical box above the light fixture. My parents refuse to believe him that there’s no third wire. They spent probably 20 minutes arguing that he must’ve missed it, refused my attempts to change the subject until I threatened to leave if they didn’t drop it. This was on my birthday.

    My mom is turning 80 this year. She’s in good health but I know she won’t be around forever. I know I’ll never have the relationship with my parents that I want, I accepted that a long time ago. But I don’t know how to have ANY relationship with them when they insist on being so degrading about all things big and small. I want my son to have a relationship with my parents, but I don’t want him to see his parents treated like that. It’s a real source of sadness for both sides, because they want to see me more than they do but I don’t spend much time with them because… well see above.

    1. You say she’s on an information diet, but is she really? Like, why did you tell her that you’re doing genetic testing? That just invites a response. Why on earth would she even need to know about the light fixture in the nursery?

      Seriously stop telling her anything personal at all.

      1. I tend to agree with this. I’m sorry, OP, this sounds like a very painful relationship.

      2. I didn’t bring up genetic testing, she did. Almost her first reaction was, when can you get tested for downs? So in response I said, we’ve already submitted testing and are awaiting the results. Then she went on about how I need an abortion, and in response I said no, and then she wouldn’t let it go.

        1. Right, so when she brings something like that up again you say “We’re doing what my doctor advises” or “Thanks for your input” and change the topic/don’t engage.

        2. This is not an information diet. You’re expecting reasonable responses from her. That will not happen. ‘I’m not sure, we’ll check with our doctor.’ or ‘interesting point, we’ll check with our doctor.’ is the extent of any conversation about anything in relation to your pregnancy or your child’s well being.

      3. Oh and on the light fixture point, DH was talking about that but I didn’t think it was that personal! We’re getting the nursery ready, we’re so excited, here’s a little project he was working on and you know how it goes with an older house. It’s just… conversation? I truly don’t know how they manage to be argumentative about the most inane things. I could say the sky is blue and they’ll argue about it.

        1. She sounds exhausting. I also think you need to recalibrate your expectations about interacting with her.

          For normal people who engage in conversation in good faith the light fixture wouldn’t be an outrageous topic. Her, though? She can argue with a slug. So don’t volunteer information to her, at all, ever, unless you are willing to deal with her opinions and criticism. That might mean you learn to more assertively disengage, go silent, change the subject, laugh in her face, walk away, etc. If you can have a conversation with her on those terms, that’s great. She isn’t likely to change, but you can.

    2. Grey rock and divert to asking about her or your dad.

      ‘We’ll definitely do any necessary testing but I’m more interested in hearing about how your pregnancy with me was. Did you have morning sickness?’

      Basically limited, neutral news, and divert to having them talk about themselves or their own parents.

      At least in the first couple years, your baby is not going to pick up on your vibes when you are with them. Not their actual words so focus on keeping your own stress low, not the content of their craziness.

    3. Your parents sound like mine. I also put up boundaries when I got married, because seeing their crap aimed at my husband was awful.

      My son is five and my father has never met him and my mother hasn’t seen him in a year and half.

      I take the view that “don’t be a verbally abusive jerk to me” is such a low bar to clear, that anyone not clearing it obviously cares more about being an abusive jerk to me than they care about having a relationship with my son.

      I cannot force them to make the choice that is best for everyone (be a decent human to me); I can accept and abide by their choice (given the choice between shaping up their acts and not having a relationship with my son, they chose the latter).

    4. It sounds like you have two main scenarios.. One scenario where things turn into long debates.. for those I’ll say something like, thanks for the advice we will take another look when we get home, or I hear you and I’ll consider that if we actually get to that situation. and then change the subject. I find it easier to just validate in some way what they are saying, demonstrating i heard them and am willing to think about it.

      For the scenario where family are negative on everything, I generally just say nothing. I let the silence be awkward until they finally say something. Often they self change the subject, but if they come looking for a reaction I say, i’m not sure how to respond to that. In general, with these people i try to just talk about pop culture/hobbies or some topic I don’t really care about.

      1. The silence point is good. Changing the subject or agreeing to think about it doesn’t work with her. Anything other than enthusiastic agreement is met with more arguing. It’s a good suggestion to just be silent. And if she asks why I’m not talking, well you don’t seem interested in anything I have to say so I figured I’d let you have the floor until you’re ready to talk about something else.

        1. No, your response is still engaging with her and getting drawn into a debate. Literally stop talking! No explanations, no response to her question, nothing.

        2. This is still you wanting her to change. That if you highlight that she is being rude then she will change. She will not change. There is not some secret right thing that you will say to make her a better person. I’m so sorry that this is how things are but you need to focus on accepting that she will not change. This is how she is and who she is. Neutral to positive comments. ‘The nursey is light green and we have the crib set up. What color did you paint my nursery?’

    5. Severe information diet. Also, you can actually articulate your boundaries, provided you’re willing to follow through: “No more critical comments like that, and no more arguing. If it happens again, we’re taking a timeout, including with our son.” And then follow through.

      1. Yes, this. State the impact her continued behavior will have, then follow through. Don’t threaten and back off, don’t negotiate, just do.

        OP, I am estranged from one parent because she would not respect boundaries and her toxic rhetoric escalated into actual harmful behavior involving my children (i.e., things like refusal to put the baby in a car seat and the older ones in seat belts while driving them back to our home on the freeway in winter). Most of these actions were not lifelong habits she had when I was a child, but were obvious, obstinate reactions to my express statements. Since I couldn’t trust her to be mature and sane about things, I had to shut it down. I really wish it did not have to be that way, but I could no longer trust her to not harm my children. Her ego wasn’t worth their safety.

        1. Sadly +1 to this. It took us actually cutting my parents out of our life for nearly a year until they would listen to us about things like not feeding our child allergens, or using a car seat properly. You know those reddit stories about grandparents intentionally giving the kid peanuts because they are SO sure it’s a fake allergy only to cause a medical crisis? Yup, happened to us.
          It’s amazing the things you’ll put up with yourself that suddenly become intolerable deal breakers when there is a child involved.

        2. Grandparents can get so offended about changes in safety standards. MIL got so mad at DH once when we insisted DD needed a booster seat at age 4. And when DD fell asleep after her christening, she wanted to drive with me holding DD in my arms.

          Some grandparents cannot understand that modern safety standards are not an attack on how they raised their own kids.

          1. In our case, she never ever let me and my siblings ride without being fully belted in.

            And she didn’t have an issue with it with the grandkids until the day I told her that our eldest had a sore shoulder from sportsball practice and would want to sit on the opposite side of the car that day so the belt didn’t aggravate the bruise. Eldest came home and told us grandma wouldn’t let them buckle up that day – and held the baby on her lap – because she couldn’t believe her child would try to tell her what to do.

          2. My 3-yr old ratted out my dad ‘Grandpa didn’t buckle me into my carseat and said it was fine for a short trip!’. Grandpa/Grandma lost all driving rights plus overnight visits when they refused to not get stumbling drunk when they were watching the kids ‘It’s fine, we’re not driving!’.
            It’s amazing how quickly you’re willing to go mama bear when it’s your own child vs. what you accepted when you were the child.

    6. Since an information diet isn’t working, try an information famine. She has proven she will not be responsible with what little you do share, so she no longer gets any information from you. If she continues to be uncivil, you decide whether to draw tighter boundaries. If she asks for personal information, you can decline to share it and perhaps tell her exactly why: “Mom, we will not share further pregnancy/testing/electrical/nursery/any personal details with you because your past interactions have been needlessly argumentative, controlling, and mean. That is not up for discussion; if you choose to pursue this topic we will leave.” Then leave.

    7. OP I don’t really have advice but I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think it’s going to take you hanging up the phone, walking out of the room, leaving the party, etc. to preserve your own well-being.

    9. my mom can be like this – and when we’re on the way to visit my husband and I will make up ridiculous responses like this to see if any of them are actually right. Like oooh what will she nitpick this time? Then in the moment we can say oh thanks we’ll think about it and change the subject to something she can just monologue about, like what she thinks of the neighbors’ new deck.

      1. Yes, I find it’s best to let my very judgmental mother talk about herself/her hobby/latest drama with her neighbor or whatever rather than talking about myself.

    11. My mom is the same type of critical and it’s very hurtful. One thing that has had modest success is “priming” the type of response I’m hoping for with subtle language cue “I’m so excited to have found this beautiful dress and I got an extra % off! Now it’s on to finding the shoes and underpinnings, what color do you think is best” (combine this with the toddler trick of “giving choices” and also asking for “help” in an area you couldn’t care less about)…”gold or silver?”

      I also wound up blowing up and really reading her the riot act finally and saying how frustrating it was to be unable to have the simplest conversation without constant footnotes and corrections and “well aktu-ally…” crap and to her credit she took it reasonably well and dialed back the worst of the sh*tty side note zingers and constant “well, just sayin’!” nonsense.

        1. Agree. She won’t concede that the dress is beautiful and instead she’ll say some mean thing about it.

    12. Your responses make it sound like you’re still looking for the magic words to make your mother be a better human being. That’s simply not going to happen. Therapy definitely helped me realize that.

      1. Totally agree with this take. Whatever you do and say, she will always find something to criticize. If you give her less information, she will get hung up on that fact. Nothing you do will change her response.
        Under those circumstances, I can’t help but wonder why you want your son to have a relationship with her. Do you expect her to treat him differently from you and your husband? Or are you looking for your son to have a Grandma, and she happens to be the one who is available? Because a grandma is supposed to be loving and supportive imo, but this person sounds way beyond hypercritical, she sounds intentionally mean.

    13. Your comments seem to be coming more from your mom than your dad. I have to wonder if she is having some kind of cognitive issues. The beginning of cognitive decline can show up as being critical/cranky especially in someone who was not like that when younger. This is what we noticed with my own mom who developed dementia as she aged. I hope that is not the case for your mom. Letting her take the lead on topics for discussion and keeping responses short was how we handled it. And if it gets worse, you may want to push for more medical evaluation.

    14. My therapist recommended the book “A Guide for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” which I found extremely helpful!

  13. Talk to me about remote work expectations. I switched from an in-person very very fast paced job (80-100 hrs/week) to a remote organization that is veeeery slow paced, very laid back. I have had trouble acclimating. I am on a team of 24 people. At any given point, half the team shows “away.” People take days to respond to emails whereas in my old job, it was minutes/hours. I busted my butt on a project last month, sent out an email it was done on a Friday afternoon, thinking there would be some hurrahs. Crickets. My manager, not online. Our director, also offline. I get the impression that people sort of “take it easy” on Fridays. This job pays reasonably but was a big cut from where I was at. DH says it’s a supposed to be a cushy job but I’m not taking advantage of the cush if that makes sense. How do I recalibrate?

    1. Enjoy it!! Take time to do your laundry, go to the gym, whatever during the day. When I have slow WFH days I love getting the chance to get stuff done that would normally take up my weekends.

    2. 80-100 hrs a week is a TON, so even a pretty moderate paced “normal”, 40 hrs/week is going to feel pretty slow – do you have a sense of whether most people are mostly working 40 hrs, or is it really more like a “15-25 hrs” place? Both probably feel wildly slow to you!

      1. +1

        You literally have to cut the amount of time you were working down to less than half. That’s going to feel to you the way it feels when you’ve been driving 80mph on the interstate and you get off and have to drive 35 through a town. It. feels. so. slow.

      2. Now that you mention this, it’s got me thinking. Everyone says it is a 40-hr job, including our director who said it during interviews and when I started. But when I look at reality, there’s just no way. My director is randomly out for entire days at a time for obscure reasons. I think it may be a 15-25 type place pretending to be 40.

        1. Like taking leave and just not telling you specifically why? Do you sign his time sheet?

    4. I’ve done a similar adjustment. What works: set yourself work hours on when you are logging in and out. Take lunch. Like a proper hour. And, if all else fails, start scheduling some evening activities.

    5. Try setting alarms in your phone for the start of the day, mid morning coffe break, lunch break start and end, and mid afternoon coffee break and end of the day. Plan to do something at lunch like change over laundry or go for a walk. Do some industry related reading or podcasts in your work hours if you have your other work done.

      I wouldn’t worry about the away thing too much. People may take lunch or coffee breaks at different times. I’m a bit old school and like to work on paper sometimes so I’ll show as away if I’m proofing on paper or pacing the room while practicing an oral argument or presentation for 20 mins.

    6. First, I will say if you’re doing project based work that doesn’t require collaboration on deliverables, you should know that some people just structure their actual work time around other things that need to get done in their day for remote work. If I have appointments and don’t have pressing meetings, I’ll make up the time elsewhere.

      Most white collar jobs that don’t deal with customer interface on a routine basis don’t really require 40 hours of “work.” Much of my work day has often been spent in meetings. When you get rid of the meetings, there’s a lot of down time. If you need something to do, learn a new skill or earn a credential. Just remember that these are people probably paid on deliverables and not hours spent logged on to the computer.

  14. I’m in my mid-40s and I guess my cholesterol is slightly elevated. (This reading came from a general panel of bloodwork, so I did not fast ahead of time.) I’m a bit puzzled about how to fix this, or if I need to fix this. The doctor gave me the usual exercise, diet, etc. I’m already exercising regularly and while my diet isn’t perfect, nothing stands out as needing immediate correction.

    So I guess I try to get more fiber and eat more fruits and veggies? Again … feel like I’m doing those things.

    1. I’d fast next time the labs are done. If you still don’t like your numbers, I was advised to reduce saturated fat in the diet some.

        1. Agree. I was instructed to fast before doing routine labs like that (lipids, HbA1C, glucose).

        1. Her cholesterol also wasn’t high by much.

          Fasting also makes a bigger difference for people who actually comply than people who are told to fast and don’t really (or when people have slow digestion, which is a bigger issue in the Ozempic era).

          And I get that the non-fasted labs are more accurate of people who never otherwise fast, but if it’s normal for us not to snack or eat overnight, then fasted labs are more representative. Literally all I have to do to get fasted labs is not have coffee in the morning, and I otherwise followed my normal routine (no “dreaded” fast).

    2. You said your diet isn’t perfect and you received advice to improve it, so yeah, start there. That might be more fiber, fruits, and veggies, but it may also be less processed food, less salt, less saturated fat.

    3. Cholesterol is less about adding good things into your diet and more about avoiding foods that elevate your numbers. Since it seems like your doctor wasn’t explaining it well enough for you to understand, it’s time to visit a dietitian to walk through what you eat.

    4. Keep in mind that some values in lipid panels are calculated.

      My Total Cholesterol is in the good range, so is my HDL, but due to the calculations, the calculated value of LDL was slightly over the threshold. It wasn’t directly measured.

      Also, every test has an error/accuracy range, and actual values of test results can be some % higher or lower than the actual value. If you ate a burger and ice cream the night before your blood draw, your values might be more elevated than with a more “healthy” diet.
      If you didn’t fast beforehand, that is actually a good explanation why the values could be higher.

      I’m not saying the blood tests give inaccurate results and that they shouldn’t be trusted – if I were you, I’d start paying attention to diet a bit, and wait for the next test to see what it looks like.

    5. There’s a genetic component to cholesterol, so some people may need to watch their diet more than others. I felt the way you did when my LDL was elevated, but once I started actually tracking what I ate, I realized I was getting way more saturated fat than I realized. Certain things can have 50% your daily dose in a single serving, so it’s easy to go over.

      Start looking at labels and try to avoid anything with too much sat fat (even 10% your daily dose per serving adds up quickly). Also add in fruits, leafy greens, and bergamot supplements.

    6. Look up perimenopause and cholesterol. One more fun part of the hormone change is this number goes up. You sound like the right age to be seeing this change.

        1. Yeah, as if the night sweats, bizarre periods and brain fog weren’t demoralizing enough, peri also can raise your cholesterol! So fun.

    7. ‘already exercise regularly’ and ‘my diet isn’t perfect’ could mean so many things. It’s also how I would describe myself – I don’t have time to be counting macros over her. Logging these things more closely and going over it with a medical expert would be the first step for me.

    8. We ended up following the Mediterranean Diet guidelines to bring our cholesterol down. We were eating too much cheese.

    9. The same thing happened to me, too. Fiber really made a difference – aim for 30g a day. You will likely need to count at first, but I now have normal cholesterol again.

  15. For those of you with a loved one in a nursing home, do they get their mail there? If so, is it opened? Or does it seem to arrive both promptly and unopened? I am used to unopened mail, but I can see where you might want a (trusted!) second set of eyes seeing what is going on. This is a new world for our family to navigate.

    1. I would expect mail to be delivered promptly (daily) to the resident unopened unless there was explicit discussion and agreement that the resident or their designated representative expected it to be otherwise.

    2. My mom is in assisted living and I am her power of attorney. She has some dementia. I changed her address to mine on the things that matter, like bank statements, tax returns, insurance, etc. She continues to get personal mail at her address, which she collections from her mailbox and opens herself.

      1. My mom is in a continuing care facility. She gets personal mail in her mailbox (like we did in college) unopened.

        In the last year or so, she’s become increasingly overwhelmed by documents coming in the mail. She seems to be losing the capacity to process this mail. I have a durable POA for financial matters, and I arranged to have most of the account-related mail sent to me.

        The thing I didn’t anticipate is that some of her funds wouldn’t accept the POA but wanted us to complete a second, fund-specific POA for this. That was a big hassle. What I’d wish I’d known about are traveling notaries — and if I need a notary in the future, I’m going that route.

        Good luck!

    3. My relative is in assisted living. Mail goes to a mailbox that she has a key to open. She remembers intermittently and then hides mail. The kids moved as much as possible to email so that they could monitor it, and whoever visits does a search for paper.

  16. I have a weird question. My husband’s W2 says he received $44k in bonuses… but I only know of $15k in bonuses. It isn’t in his 401K. His boss has never reported the bonus before, is it possible she’s making up for previous years’ bonuses? Asking my accountant b/c WTF. I truly cannot see my DH setting up an account on his own to keep the money to himself but what do I know.

        1. This was my first thought, too. Like, asking your accountant… ok, but did you ask your husband?

    2. Why do you think this? As far as I know, W2s just report all taxable income and don’t specify whether it was a bonus, regular salary, or something else (even things like moving reimbursements have been lumped in on mine, thanks Donald Trump!).

    3. Are you concerned that he is hiding money from you or otherwise not being honest? If not, ask him?

      1. i’m truly not — this boss has had a lot of screwy accounting practices over the 20 years he’s worked with her (at one point she owed $30k to his 401k, dating back over many 5 years). she’s like family so it’s always tricky to ask about things. (very small business owner.)

    4. argh i misspoke – it’s his last paystub that lists the $44k in bonuses. on his w2 his medicare wages only make sense if you add the salary + “bonus.”

      I’m looking at a 12/27 paystub that reports YTD bonus of 44k… but I’ve also got the paystub for the bonus check (dated 12/31) that reports a different amount (YTD $32K + current $16k = 48K). on “pay type” it says salary, same as the regular paystub.

      The medicare wages on his W2 align with the number reported on the 12/27 paystub.

      He says he definitely did not forget an extra $30k bonus and is going to go through all of his paystubs

    5. Both DH and I get bonuses and I’m looking at our W2s now. Neither of us have the bonus split out- it’s just part of the income. What we *have* had in the past is a weird mystery chunk with some strange verbiage like “other compensation” or what not and it’s the amount that the company contributes toward your benefits (eg. the employer portion of health coverage, life ins, etc). i’m guessing that’s it for you.

      Ask your husband. And if he’s confused, as I expect he will be, look at his paystubs together.

    6. Some companies pre-tax bonuses, may be a setting in the online system too. In that case it would probably be ~40% less. I would expect that he would have seen an extra payment or a higher payment. ~15k is close. Is it possible it was spread across paychecks? You also said his workplace is not organized.

    7. OP here – I just went through his paychecks and drafted an email for him to send his boss. The math ain’t mathing… first time any bonus is reported is a YTD number on a July paycheck, but nothing in the “current” column. That July number stays the same until early December, when it suddenly triples. The only paycheck that ever says a “current bonus” amount instead of a YTD is the December check for $15k.

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