ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Printed Short-Sleeve Fit-and-Flare Dress

I’m really interested/excited/nervous to see what workwear looks like as people trickle back into the office. I spent many years in sheath dresses and blazers and, to be honest, that look feels a little too formal for me right now.

If I had to guess, I would say that even more “formal” outfits are going to involve more relaxed silhouettes. A-lines and boxy shift dresses instead of form-fitting sheaths, for example.

This fit-and-flare dress from Shani looks like it would be perfect — it still looks formal but has a bit of flounce and breeziness to it. Add a blazer if you want, but with mostly-covered arms, I don’t think it’s necessary.

The dress is $360 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 2–16.

A more affordable alternative is from Leota ($150 on sale); Leota also has two plus-size options (up to size 5X; each $74.99), a black-and-white print and a gray/black plaid.

Sales of note for 12.10

Sales of note for 12.10

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

538 Comments

  1. This is pretty, but definitely not workwear. The brand “offers a luxe assortment of dresses for all your events and c*tail parties.”

    1. Eh, it certainly wouldn’t replace a suit, but unless it sequined or super shiny or something in person, I think the style and material would be just fine for many office situations.

    2. I think that the waist looks a smidge high, but it seems that it is the magic sort of dress that would look OK with the black blazers I already own (but can never find IRL).

      1. Nah, then you look like the 20 year old interns who think putting a blazer over something makes it look like workwear. This dress is clearly not designed to be worn with a blazer.

    3. I don’t like this particular dress, but as I anticipate going back to the office, it’s not going to be first thing in the morning to the end of the day. I’ll probably work at home first, head in later in the day and dress for what’s in my agenda. I could absolutely see wearing something like this for an afternoon at work and a dinner out somewhere afterwards.

    4. Yeah, I’m not a fan of this exact dress but I have relaxed my idea of “office wear” quite a bit in the past year and I can imagine wearing something simlar to the office as the weather warms up.

      1. +1. I don’t particularly care for this dress, but someone could definitely wear that dress to my office and no one would bat an eye. (Big law firm in NYC)

    6. Why isn’t this workwear? Just because the brand’s website has that silly sentence on it, I don’t see how that applies to this particular dress. I don’t like the style, but it’s absolutely something I can imagine seeing in a business casual office. It doesn’t appear to have sequins on it or anything. I certainly wouldn’t wear this to a cocktail party.

        1. If that dress is too short, then I need to reevaluate most of my work dresses and skirts….

          1. It’s a church dress. Too unstructured and ruffly for work, not short and ruffly enough for an occasion.

    7. I really like this dress, but not for work. I am thinking I’d wear it for going out to dinner or to a house party, maybe to a shower-type event. I am so tempted to buy it. I need the high waist. It has actual sleeves! And it has hints of femininity without puff sleeves or any of the extra femme touches that just don’t play well on my tomboy body.

      1. Sadly, I think the femininity is why so many people don’t see this as work appropriate.

        1. There seem to be some folks who are stuck in a late-80s/early 90s perspective about what “workwear” is, which is that it has to be super-structured, formal, and almost masculine in form and tailoring to be “appropriate.” I’ve worked in an office that was like that exactly once in my career – 20+ years ago. I understand there are some people here in Big Law and Big Finance where super-formal businesswear is still the rule, but those offices are a tiny minority these days. This dress would be fine as workwear anywhere I’ve worked for at least the last 15 years.

          1. Yes, this is my read as well. I’ve never worked in an environment where clothes needed to be super structured or formal in order to be considered appropriate work wear. Maybe it’s also a regional or know your workplace thing, but no one in my southern city would bat an eye at anyone wearing a dress like this to work.

          2. I think this could be workwear. Not my job, though, and no job I’ve ever had. I’m not old enough to be stuck in the 80ies or 90ies (or noughties), but the office’s summer lunch is the only day during the year it would be appropriate for me. But I also dislike and look bad in ruffles, grey and harsh vertical lines.

        2. It’s not the femininity, it’s the lack of structure. You wouldn’t advise a guy to wear a rumply linen blazer to work either.

    8. To me this looks like bridal shower / luncheon wear, not office wear. I think it’s the high waist on it.

  2. If you have flown recently, how common was it to see people eating or drinking at the airport or during the flight? I am taking a cross-country flight this week (fully vaccinated), and don’t know if I’ll be able to make it the entire way without at least a snack and some water.

    (Sorry if this question comes across as silly. I live in an area of the U.S. where people are still hyper vigilant about wearing masks outside despite relatively high vaccination rates in the region. Just want to make sure I can plan to eat a ginormous breakfast if it’s a faux pas to eat/drink during travel.)

    2. Common. Most people were eating/drinking the snacks on the plane, and plenty eating in the airport (to the point lines were ridiculously long when I was in ATL because a lot of the restaurants weren’t open)

    3. I flew last week for the first time and it was common enough. People wore masks, are/drank, and put their masks back on. I was in airports in the northeast and the south, saw good compliance aside from those eating/drinking in both

        1. Anon 9:24 here – the airline (Frontier) did not serve drinks/snacks but folks were allowed to eat/drink their own food on the plane.

        3. I flew JetBlue and Icelandair earlier this month, and they both served drinks and snacks.

          1. Woo hoo! I’m going to Iceland in July and can’t wait! How was your trip?

          2. FYI, Icelandair used to not include meals, even in long haul flights. I’d check before the trip (and then bring my favorite snacks which beat plane food anyway).

          3. Absolutely amazing! For most of the trip, we were in the north skiing, but also did the Golden Circle, Blue Lagoon, and hiked to the presently erupting volcano. The touristy stuff is really quiet right now – not sure how much it’ll have picked up by July, but it was really neat seeing Gullfoss and the geyser with basically no one else there. Hiking to the volcano is a SCENE though, we went early in the morning our last day and it wasn’t too crazy going up, but loads of people were hiking in on our way out. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen and well worth the (fairly short, but has steep parts) hike. Apparently, the locals go in the evening and bring beer and roast marshmallows. :)

          4. The Icelandair flights both had complimentary sandwiches and water/juice/soft drinks/etc., and then alcohol and snack boxes for purchase. Not sure if that’s always how it is, as they are flying very few planes/routes right now and the ones they are flying are fairly empty (Keflavik to JFK our flight probably had more crew than passengers), but that’s the current situation.

    4. Joining the chorus – very common for people to eat both at the airport and on the plane.

    5. Going by the CDC guidance, if you’re fully vaccinated you should be fine eating in the airport. I’d be more careful on the plane.

    7. Very common, just flew to Europe two days ago. I have to say both the lounge at the airport and the flight had reduced meal offerings. The worst for me was the people not maintaining any distance while boarding.

  3. The ruffles kill it for me for work. Especially the ones on the sleeves. It’s not something I would wear to a social occasion either. The color is too blah. The seam on the shoulder is unflattering somehow. Pass. Not that I could afford it anyway LOL.

  4. In the past years my hands have aged considerably–they’ve been washed A LOT. I’m also in a field where I’m washing more than the normal person as well as working with my hands. Any recommendations for moisturizers and some sort of other treatment so they don’t look like I’ve spent ten gloveless years handwashing dishes?

        1. Okay, this comment made me go find my tube of skin food. I knew I didn’t like the smell, but your description made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the laugh on a Monday!

    4. I really like The Body Shop for this! The Almond Hand and Nail Butter/ Manicure cream is absolutely wonderful and then the standard hand cream from the same range too, which I keep in my desk drawer.

    6. Slugging. Apply moisturizer at bedtime, let sink in, coat with Vaseline or Aquaphor, apply cotton gloves, sleep.

    7. It may be too late for you, but you may in future want to consider using “Gloves in a Bottle” recommended by cleaning companies / nurses – its just a lotion you put on that gives you a light barrier so heavy handwashing doesn’t kill your skin.

      I’m old school in that when my hands bother me I just put on whatever heaviest cream I have at that moment and then put on thin gloves for a few hours / overnight to let my skin fully absorb.

    8. Anything with a little retinol will help with wrinkles and texture, but you have to be assiduous with sunscreen after as well. Hand Chemistry is a Deciem brand that has a really nice Retin-oil for hands.

    9. Glycerin-based hand creams.

      Sunscreen on your hands.

      No SLS-based hand wash (no sulfates).

      Vaseline and cotton gloves during the night.

  5. This weekend, while realizing I had missed an annoyingly noticeable to me patch of hair on my legs, I was pondering: does anyone actually use Nair?

    It seems like it would just be… so easy. Especially if it lasts for a couple weeks. Anyone? Is this a thing people do after high school?

    1. I use Veet every once in awhile and it’s fine. Just don’t think too hard about how it works.

    2. I’ve bought some of the face version because the lack of being outside has meant the usual sun bleaching hasn’t happened on my upper lip hair. Haven’t been brave enough to use it yet…

      1. Yes, this is how I treat the fuzz on my upper lip. I have a gentle version for the face, I believe by Sally Hansen. The skin on my face is not otherwise sensitive, but waxing and threading are a no-go. Even if the skin doesn’t get ripped off, I am still red for days. I have my eyebrows professionally tweezed and gently use the cream on my lip as needed (or perhaps a little less often than that, honestly).

        1. I used the similar version on my face for years, and still struggled with skin irritation.

          I finally moved over to the exfoliating facial “razors” and wont every go back.

    3. I use a combination of nair and shaving on my dark thick leg hair against pale skin. I use nair when I’ve let the hair grow out beyond stubble because it is faster to get to smooth legs, but it doesn’t last weeks, it last days. I would say it last about the same amount of time as shaving and when my leg hair is shorter, shaving is faster (i.e. if I can do the quick shave in the shower without having to rinse out the blade ever stroke for a full 60 seconds)

      1. +1

        The mess of Nair, timing it right so it doesn’t burn off my skin and yet is on long enough to work, then getting into the shower to clean it off etc… makes it a bit of a hassle. And yeah, how I wish it worked for weeks…..

    4. Nair never worked for me. I tried leaving it on longer but that just resulted in chemical burns. Maybe you have to have thinner hair?

    5. I use Nair on my bikini line because I can’t tolerate the regrowth from shaving (so itchy) and I’m too scared to wax.

    6. Nair was totally ineffective on my coarser hair – if you have finer or more downy hair perhaps it’s worth a try, but for me it was just a smelly mess that I still needed to shave after!

    7. The smell was too much for me. I just can’t. Otherwise, I probably would use it rather than shaving.

  6. I just lateraled as a midlevel to a group that doesn’t use any centralized file management system which is a change for me. Each attorney is expected to manage their own files (it sounds like everyone does this primarily through outlook with a desktop file for finished work product to reference as precedent). Does anyone have any tips for how to stay organized with this system? My technique at my prior firm was saving everything to the file manage system and then searching for keywords, so I’m going to have to learn new tricks. There’s also a significant amount of deal work, with about 10-15 deals on my desk in some capacity at any point in time (I’m a specialist, so sometimes just tracking). If any deal attorneys have tips for how to stay on top of this I’d greatly appreciate it!

    1. I’d organize my emails by client or matter in Outlook. I would then create a folder on the server/hard drive (whatever gets backed up) for each client matter with subfolders based on what is most common in your practice. So mine have Pleadings, Correspondence, Discovery, Notes, etc. Inside each is a another subfolder for drafts. I PDF the final into the titled subfolder.

    2. File naming conventions are super important. I do YYYY-MM-DD – Document Name – Revision number etc.
      Taking the extra seconds to name them up front makes all the difference in keeping files tidy, and chronological order is super helpful as well.
      Not a deal attorney but maintain my own files and this is huge. Sometimes I keep notes in the file names, i.e. “2021-05-17 – Document Title – waiting on xx return call”

  7. Vax question. I got my second Pfizer shot yesterday @ 3 and other than a sore as heck arm feel fine. For those of you that got side effects from the shot, when did they kick in? Am trying to plan the rest of my day.

    When DH got J&J he woke up feeling like garbage the next day.

    1. The side effects are in hours 12-24 after the shot, from what I’ve been hearing.

      1. This was me — first 12 hours were fine; second 12 were achy (like I should have taken some Tylenol but was to lazy to get it; I took my temp and it was 99, so I looked at memes for a couple of uncomfortable hours and then was tired when I work up for work). 9am shot on day 1, by lunch time the next day even the sleep-deprived crankiness had worn off, along with the aches.

    2. Almost exactly 24 hours later. Achy and sore, and very, very tired. Would have been OK if anything really important was needed at work, but luckily had time to just be a couch potato. Woke up the following day feeling totally normal. My arm did stay pretty sore for several days.

    3. n = 1, but the side effects from my second Pfizer shot were very mild. My worst side effect occurred about 36 hours afterwards, and consisted of lower body muscle aches. I didn’t need to take any time off of work.

    5. I got my second Pfizer shot about the same time of day you did. I didn’t really have any side effects except a bad headache that fully kicked in about 24 hours later, but I have chronic migraine and late afternoon headaches are pretty normal for me, this was just on the worse side of normal (so not really sure I can even blame the vaccine). Lasted until the next morning. Otherwise I felt fine.

    6. I had the same reaction to Pfizer and never experienced any other side effects. I was shocked, but also so relieved, since I am also pregnant and had mentally prepared to be mowed over by the body aches/fever/chills many of my friends and family experienced. It seems so variable from person to person.

    7. Got Pfizer shots, about 24 hrs after second shot I was super tired,So I got to bed early and was 100% the next day.
      Got mine in the PM like you. Other than sore arm no other effects.

    8. I got Pfizer and by about eight hours after the 2nd shot, I felt fatigued, which persisted through the next two days. I probably could have worked if I really needed to, but fortunately it was over a weekend. I also had very minor body aches.

    9. I’m an oddball and I had problems exactly 1 week later from both Pfizer shots. Bad joint pain and exhaustion, limited ability to concentrate. Like others, I probably could have powered through if I had to but I have plenty of sick time so I was glad to use a little and loaf around.

      I also felt pretty terrible the day after both shots but not actually sick. Just ughhhh I can’t get comfortable type of feeling.

    10. Pure anecdata from me and my friends, but it seems like Pfizer #2 only had fairly mild side effects with just a sore arm for a couple days, but Moderna #2 knocked people out for the next day or so. I got the Pfizer shots and all I had both times was just a really sore arm for 2 days and slight tiredness the first day. Nothing ibuprofen or tylenol couldn’t help out with.

      1. Disagree. I had a huge reaction to Pfizer 2. Husband had Moderna and nothing but a headache.

        1. Yea, I also had a major reaction to my second round of Pfizer. Husband got Pfizer and was totally fine with both doses. I think this really varies a lot person to person.

    11. Husband and I both had Pfizer and got the side effects about 14-15 hours after; they were the worst until about 24 hours after; gradually petered out after that and by 36 hours after just felt tired but no longer feverish or achy. Woke up the next morning (so nearly 48 hours after) back to 100%.

    12. I had a nasty headache about 8 hours after my first shot (Moderna) that lasted another 8 hours (kept at bay with Tylenol).
      Got walloped about 12 hours after my second – the only way I can describe it was like speedwalking through the flu. But by the next afternoon I was okay.

    13. My dad got Pfizer and only had minor pain in the arm that got away in 24hrs both times. This was my experience as well, I got 2nd shot yesterday mid-day (Europe time). My mom and her friends were tired, higher temp and nauseous after 2nd dose of Moderna approx 12-24hrs later. Rest of family got Astra Zeneca and were heavily sick starting 6-12hrs after the 1st shot and recovered in 2-3 days only. So it seems that vaccine and personal factor comes to play. FWIW, I had a major surgery 4w ago and expected to have lower immunity and some side effects.

    14. Hour 12 is when mine kicked in. The worst was hours 12-36 but I really didn’t feel like myself until past 48 hours. I had a big reaction. (Which I’m really happy about because there was some question as to whether I would mount an immune response)

    15. Side effects after Pfizer shot #2 kicked in at around 30 hours after for my husband, and lasted for about 1 day.
      I did not have any side effects after the second dose , but after my first shot I got a bad headache after 36 hours (AM on Sunday after a PM shot on Friday), lasting for the whole day. Was fine on Monday after going to bed early.

    16. Got Pfizer #2 and side effects started 12 hours later almost to the minute. I could not work the next day. Most of the effects lasted for two full days and a few of them for closer to 4. I was back to normal after that and could have worked days 3 and 4 (it was a weekend).

    17. I got the Pfizer vaccine around 9:30 AM. Diziness hit within 15 min before I left the vaccination waiting area. Other symptoms occurred from around lunchtime until early evening. I went to sleep and woke up fine other than my still-sore arm. No more symptoms after that for me.

    18. I got my second Moderna shot at 8 am. Around 8 pm I suddenly felt flushed and achy with chills. I slept horribly and felt pretty terrible for most of the next day. Almost exactly 24 hours from onset of symptoms I suddenly felt completely fine and normal again.

    19. I got my second Pfizer shot in the morning about three weeks ago. I had a mildly sore arm that evening and the following day. That’s it. I kept waiting for the misery to start but it never did.

  8. For those of you who were in-house and left to go back to a law firm, what did you say in interviews on “Why do you want to come back to a firm?”

    I was a general litigator in BigLaw, moved in-house for several years, and now I’ve started to develop a niche in a particular area that’s hot at the moment. Going back to a firm means the correct training/resources and dedication to honing my skillset. How do I put this eloquently (or what are some good responses to leaving the in-house world)?

    1. So I did this. I had left to go in house relatively early in my career (3rd year associate – came back to another firm two years later), so I said I had really enjoyed the inside business perspective, but missed the collegiality and business development aspect of law and the ability to take my practice to the next level (which ties into what you mention about training and resources). The transition went well, and based on anecdotal experience this is more common than people think.

    2. Not in law, but I interview a lot of candidates who are looking to make a similar switch. The best answers to this question focus on the candidate’s career evolution and ambitions and how those fit into our organization’s mission and needs. Your last paragraph is pretty close. I’d tie your niche skills to specifics of the firm’s activities in that area. I’d also tread lightly with the idea of training and resources, focusing on opportunities rather than your former employer’s deficiencies in this area.

    3. Wanting to specialize in a practice area is a perfectly good explanation and very understandable – most in house counsel don’t have the ability to focus on a niche practice!

  9. This weekend was utterly gloriously normal. Saw 7 friends! Saw family! Went casually shopping. Went out to brunch, dinner, drinks in the city, took public transit, took an Uber, went to church in person. Still had a mask on indoors, on transit, and crowded spots but for me the same way March 15 marked the shut down May 15 will mark the opening up.

    1. Lovely! Things are opening up a bit here and we went to brunch on Sunday (sat outside as we’re not yet fully vaxxed) and it felt so good and normal. A bit worried about the new variant given that most under 50s are not fully vaccinated in the UK and suspect the ultimate easing will be delayed.

    2. As a Canadian I am so jealous…we are in our third wave and third lockdown here, the most severe so far.

      2. I have heard that Canada is bad, but I am still fuzzy on why Canada is having the experience it is. No big gatherings or festivals . . . Still cold there, etc.

        1. Primarily, lack of vaccine availability. People are just as tired of restrictions as the US, and therefore no longer being as diligent as a group (e.g. if someone’s area is locked down, they go shop in the town nearby that isn’t locked down). Less than 4% of the population is fully vaccinated, so noncompliance spreads the virus as rapidly as it did here last spring.

        2. It was 73 degrees here today — hardly cold!

          Most of the spread in Ontario is is essential workplaces — factories, etc and then it impacts their families significantly as there are many multi generational households. In Ontario, we are all under a stay at home order, so no one is shopping in a neighbouring town or going to a restaurant in another city. Still more social gatherings than are permitted and I agree that everyone is tired. The hairdressers and similar personal care salons have been closed for just about 6 months now.

    3. I went to the grocery store without a mask this weekend…very exciting. My church is still requiring masks but was able to have a choir again, which was lovely (we’ve been in-person for a few months with limited attendance, masks, and no choir). I expect that we’ll still have masks and maybe no congregational singing until the vaccine is available to small children, but just having the choir was lovely.

    4. I had three friends over Saturday. On Sunday I walked down to the neighborhood shops not wearing a mask on the way, though I did put it on when I was on the more crowded retail block. It was glorious.

    1. I haven’t used that specific product but I do use another mousse from St. Tropez. I’ve tried a lot of different brands and St. Tropez is the gold standard for me. Make sure buy the mitt for application and exfoliate well before (I prefer dry brushing before a shower).

      1. This is the one you put on before the shower, wait a minute, and then shower off. Wondering if anyone has experience with that form of application because it sounds good to me (it takes my shower a couple minutes to heat up anyway).

        1. It wasn’t effective for me. I self tan regularly and this felt like a waste of time and money. Did not get me more tan. Wish it had worked!

    2. Good timing! I just got this over the weekend. Any tips for best ways to exfoliate? Do I need an actual loofah or does a poof or washcloth work just fine?

    4. General question on this kind of product – I really don’t enjoy when the tan starts to come off in about a week, leaving me patchy areas. Do any of you have better luck using a temporary bronzer rather than a tanning product, and if so, which one?

  11. I slept so well last night. Idk if it was because I took a shower right before bed, or that I had just washed my sheets, or maybe that I got my allergies under control, but it was amazing.

    2. The shower right before bed is key for dealing with allergies. Pollen and dust build up in the hair, then you breathe it in all night. I always wash before bed in the spring (or just rinse, if I want a morning shampoo).

  12. My husband and I are tentatively planning a trip to Greece in early September. We will likely have about 10 days. I would like to spend a day or two in Athens, then visit an island (or two). What are your favorite islands? We love beaches, historical sites, hiking, and good food. Not interested in partying or nightlife. Thanks!

    1. I would go to Santorini and Naxos. Santorini for 2 nights, stay in Oia with a room overlooking the caldera. It’s just stunning and worth visiting once in your life. Then I’d go to Naxos because it’s a great living island- not just tourism. Beautiful and not crowded beaches, lovely villages to explore, plenty of space to wander. And easy to take a day trip to Paros and add on another island. Fantastic food.

    2. Greece is one of my all time favorite trips! A day two in Athens should be plenty. I was really wowed by the Acropolis and the open air markets were fun. We island hopped to Santorini and Mykonos. Both were lovely, but Mykonos was a little more party oriented. Santorini was relaxed, beautiful, and fun to explore (black sand beaches, sunset at Ios). I haven’t been to the lesser known islands, but definitely recommend Santorini for your trip!

      1. Santorini is a must-see. And it’s a long time since i was there, but Paros is very pleasant and has some nice beaches. But honestly, if you have any interest in the archeology, include Mycenae in your trip. It’s just amazing. Sounion makes a great day trip from Athens.

      2. The Acropolis is an absolute must-see! Go to Santorini as well. Mykonos is more nightlife-oriented but very beautiful, fun to walk around, and a day trip to Delos could not be easier where you will walk in a real archaeological s!te! Paros is gorgeous but more laidback and known more for its beautiful beaches.

    3. Crete has tons of history, although teenage me couldn’t have cared less when my parents took me.

      1. +1 for Crete. I loved it! Beautiful beaches, great hiking, great food, fun shopping, the people are lovely, and yes the history is off the hook. I think it would be right up your alley!

        We had a private guide in Athens for the Acropolis and the Acropolis Museum and would highly recommend doing that. Tours by Locals dot com is a good resource.

    4. I have loved both Rhodes and Crete. Make sure you read the neighborhood or city descriptions in tour guides in terms of family friendly or party – that will generally be spot on. The islands are tourist machines, it’s in their interest to get people to the right places. Have a look at the tour guides again in terms of historical sites – and really look at the pictures. Are there walls, or just an archaeological site? Unless one of you are actually archaeologists, places like Knossos are very difficult to enjoy.

      PS. Be aware that plumbing on the Greece islands is different – you will most likely not be allowed to flush toilet paper, everything goes in bins by the loo. So you want room service, not self service, when you’re booking places to live. :)

    5. We went to Santorini — most beautiful, but be careful of the black sand beaches re sunburns, Rhodes – more cultural and Crete — more history. We also had 2-3 days in Athens. Loved it all with the following exceptions.

      We went on a tour of the Samaria Gorge in Crete — so hot! Google is that is of interest. And think about how you are going to travel between islands. We flew between some and took at least one ferry that I remember. The ferry was hours late, and people were literally throwing their young kids on the ship and telling them to run and kind seats. We ended up on the top deck, it was raining and there was no cover — for hours in the middle of the night. Not that fun, but we survived.

  13. I want to buy and install a small shelf next to my bathroom sink to hold skin care and makeup products. The shelf would be right below three electrical features (light switch, outlets, old heat lamp dial). Is it safe to drill holes in the wall right below these things? Would a stick-on shelf be a better idea? Should I call a handyman to do this? Relatedly, how can I learn these basic home skills? (I don’t have handy family members or friends.)

    1. Eeks, I think you need one of those sensors that tells you where the electrics are? But I might batch some tasks and call a handyman if that’s in budget. My husband has this big DIY book and finds it really helpful but it’s UK focused, I’m sure there is a US equivalent. I’ve also found it helpful to ask people working in the house for advice, sometimes they’ll suggest a person or tell me exactly what they do, and sometimes they’ll go out to their van and get the tools to do it right then.

    2. Call a handyman. I’ve learned by watching them as they work and often ask for an explanation. I have also learned it’s still better to call in a pro for a lot of things by watching what’s involved in doing it right.

      1. Yes definitely! We had a locking mechanism fitted to the window the other day (the window in my son’s room opened ALLLL the way out onto the roof, and his bed was right under it) and the joiner laughed when he saw the box. Apparently there is a trick to it, and he gets lots of emergency calls when people try and fail to do it themselves.

    3. Because of the proximity to electrics I’d call a pro. Normally this is a relatively easy DIY if you buy yourself a studfinder (because just screwing a shelf into drywall will not result in a happy ending) but you don’t want to mess around with wires in the wall.

    4. If you’re like me, the shelf will end up with way more stuff than you think. Get a stud finder so you know where to drill, that way your shelf will be more stable and you’ll avoid drilling into wires. Shut off the power at the breaker before you drill into the wall, just to be safe. No you don’t need to hire a handyman for this. I’m hopeless with home improvement projects but even I’ve been hanging my own shelves and heavy wall art since I was a teenager.

      1. Agree with the stud finder and drilling into a stud rather than drywall.

        You can turn off the breaker and take apart the outlet to see where the cord that feeds it runs, which is what I would do. But as long as you drill into a stud (and not slightly to the side of it) you’re fine because the electrical line will not be run on top of the stud.

      2. To offer a different perspective: You do NOT necessarily need to drill into a stud. There are really good drywall anchors these days that can take a ton of weight. But a good handyman should be able to help you with this.

  14. Anyone else think the CDC’s new honor system for masking is completely absurd and divorced from science? My hot take: the honor system in an only ~37% fully vaccinated country full of dishonest anti-vaxxers is a huge f-you to high-risk people who aren’t fully protected by vaccines, people who can’t get vaccines, essential workers with high exposure, and people living in areas with high community transmission and/or high concentrations of covidiots. This policy makes absolutely no sense at all without any method of enforcing who has been vaccinated and who hasn’t. It’s as if the science of the policy change completely ignores the behavioral science side of things that shows that people will lie to benefit themselves and that we must account for that in issuing guidelines and calculating the actual risk of indoor gatherings.

    It’s like CDC doesn’t actually want the pandemic to end. I never thought I would say it, but I have totally, completely lost my trust in their guidance between the obfuscations about masking efficacy in spring 2020, the enormous delay in acknowledging airborne transmission, and now this.

    1. I’m fully vaxxed and in a city with good (not great) vaxxing and prior mask wearing. I think they are throwing in the towel and this is as good as it’s likely to get (other than kids, who seemed to be getting them at the site I took my kids to this weekend). Let’s just send the doses to India where they are needed.

      IMO essential workers got their shots months ago. At this point, not getting a shot is a choice and it’s wrong to hold the vaxxed people hostage to that. I am still making up even if not asked inside businesses (like I am too busy to look up weekly policy changes so am just masking; NBD).

    3. Zeynep Tufecki perfectly summarized my thoughts on this issue in her NY Times essay “Maybe We Need Masks Indoors Just a Bit Longer.” It’s just too soon to drop the masks safely. The CDC should have established metrics for vaccination rates and levels of community transmission that would warrant dropping, or reinstating, mask mandates.

      1. I liked Leana Wen’s piece in the Washington Post as well: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-cdcs-mask-guidance-is-a-mess-biden-needs-to-clean-it-up/2021/05/16/a29c1080-b673-11eb-96b9-e949d5397de9_story.html

        “Biden should clarify what it is that the CDC does: It’s a scientific agency that excels at interpreting research and formulating evidence-based guidance. In this case, it was appropriate for the CDC to state that after reviewing all the data, it is confident that fully vaccinated people are at little risk for contracting the coronavirus and spreading it to others. But that’s very different from announcing that vaccinated people can take off their masks because, without verification of vaccination, this would inevitably lead to the end of mask mandates. That’s not scientific guidance — that’s a major policy decision to shift the entire direction of the United States’ pandemic response. Arguably, this was the single biggest decision that the Biden administration has made on covid, yet senior administration officials learned about the CDC’s planned change only the night before, and the president himself didn’t find out about it until the morning of the announcement.

        This was an astounding strategic and tactical mistake. It will have lasting repercussions unless the White House steps in to clean up the CDC’s mess. As a start, the administration should clarify that while vaccinated people are generally not at risk, the unvaccinated are still at high risk. Therefore, if there is no reliable way to verify vaccination status, indoor mask mandates must still remain in place. At the same time, the administration should define region-by-region criteria for when such mandates can be lifted — for example, when 70 percent of a community is fully vaccinated.”

        1. I haven’t read the piece, but I agree so much.

          I worry about children, who have sacrificed so much for the rest of us through the pandemic, and, if they’re under 12, have no vaccine available to them.

          I don’t trust unvaxxed people to wear masks if they’re not required for everyone. Frankly, I don’t trust unvaxxed people to stay home even if mildly symptomatic or if they’ve had a known exposure.

          If mask mandates are lifted before children have the choice to be vaccinated and there’s still a fair amount of community spread, then it seems like parents have two choices 1) accept the increased risk of their kid getting Covid, which, even if not severe, will mean disruption of school, childcare, camp, friends; or 2) not take children anywhere indoors.

          Both options really stink, especially since we’re only looking at a few more months before vaccines for kids under 12 are likely to be available.

          1. Children have sacrificed so much…except for all the older people who sacrificed everything. Stop with the “isn’t it awful” contest. Many people sacrificed, many people struggled not just children. Older people made up most of the deaths, and sacrificed so, so much more.

          3. Yes, my 14-year-old has sacrificed far more than her elderly high-risk grandparents. She has spent her entire freshman year watching YouTube videos and doing on-line quizzes instead of reading actual books, doing science labs, listening to live lectures, and having class discussions. Her school district cancelled her special advanced academic program. She had to give up choir and her sport and church. She has suffered permanent academic, social, and psychological consequences. Meanwhile, my 80-something in-laws were in Florida partying without a care in the world, even before vaccines were available.

          4. Children HAVE sacrificed a lot when their individual risk was the lowest. That doesn’t mean older people didn’t sacrifice more (though it really depends on the individual). Most kids were in virtual school all year long staring at a screen all day long without being able to see their friends or loved ones. That’s a huge sacrifice emotionally and developmentally, and it’s different than an adult doing the same. If you don’t realize that, you clearly don’t know anything about what children experienced this past year.

          5. Commenters at 1:11 and 2:23, I was acknowledging that children missed a year of school and social development (at best, many also lost access to caring adults, stability, food, and other important parts of life) to protect the community at large from the spread of Covid, even though they were the group least likely to have serious illness from Covid. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that we continue to mask up to keep them healthy and let them participate in society until they too can be vaccinated in a few months.

            I don’t think acknowledging children’s sacrifice or saying that we should continue to protect them in any way takes away from that fact that we all sacrificed in our own way and many of us lost family members. I’m sorry that you think acknowledging children’s sacrifice and saying that we should continue to protect them is an affront to your own suffering.

      2. +1. I get the idea that vaccination = freedom, but in my large, urban, largely Dem city, we are still just approaching 35% full vax rates which I think is based on vaccine hesitancy (not anti-vax/Trump) + lack of access in poorer neighborhoods + people waiting their turn. Heck, even if someone got jabbed on the first day that the general population was eligible (April 12) they wouldn’t be fully vaxxed yet!

        I think it’s unfair to lift the mask guidance when not everyone has really had full access to the vaccine. Definitely should have pinned it to vax levels – invoke that peer pressure! And it’s especially not cool to those of us with kids under 12 who can’t get vaxxed yet. Even if kids aren’t likely to get super sick, it’s still a pain to quarantine and there is the possibility of long Covid for them. Most places around us still require masks, though, and my kid refuses to go out without a mask, so at least there’s that.

        1. +1 I don’t understand why they didn’t use it as a carrot to get the rates better.

        1. it’s not clear who transmitted the cases, it just clustered in a hospital where HCW were vaxxed. see clarification:

          > Thanks Jon for reminding me that while cases were first detected amongst vaxxed healthcare and airport workers, the full picture re: onward transmission is still hazy.

          there is definitely vaxxed => unvaxxed transmission happening here too with household contacts of airport workers contracting it.

    4. I do not agree with this take. In the US vaccines are and have been available and work. As a fully vaccinated person I feel no need to wear a mask whatsoever. I still do where it is required, but other than that no.

      1. +1 remember early in the pandemic when the CDC straight up lied about masks and that caused a huge issue later. Why are you upset that the CDC didn’t lie again when we know that strategy went super poorly a year ago?

          1. No, they lied as a strategic decision to keep ordinary people from buying masks because there weren’t enough for health care professionals.

          2. They knowingly lied about the efficacy of masks and the transmission mode of the virus and admitted that they only said this because of the country’s failure to secure an adequate supply of masks for healthcare professionals. (Think about it: if they’re not effective, why protect the supply?)

          3. They definitely lied. There has been ample discussion about this. They said masks weren’t effective because they wanted to save them for medical professionals. They knew they were effective.

      2. “Vaccines work” and “vaccines eliminate risk” are two very different things. There are still breakthrough infections among people who have gotten the very effective vaccines, and there are still unvaccinated kids and immunocompromised people. We need to let vaccines AND masks keep working to reduce the infection rate at the population level for a while longer.

        2. But the goal can’t be to “eliminate risk.” That is not a reasonable goal, in COVID or in any other area of life.

          1. The idea was to keep masking until enough people are vaccinated or immune that we don’t have to worry about cultivating vaccine-resistance strains. It’s like quitting just before the finish line.

          3. We aren’t just before the finish line. It’s pretty clear most people who aren’t vaccinated don’t intend to at this point.

          4. There are a whole lot of kids out there whose parents are eagerly waiting for them to be eligible for vaccines. We can also do a lot more to tamp down community transmission just by keeping masks in place a while longer.

        3. I agree 100%. We aren’t talking about wearing masks forever, we’re talking about wearing masks until the % of vaccinated people is past a certain threshold and/or community rates are lower to the point of the overall risk to unvaccinated people being lower. It’s shocking but not surprising to me that people aren’t more concerned that we just essentially told kids under 12 and people who aren’t fully vaccinated yet (which is a 2-6 week process depending on the shot) or can’t get vaccinated that they’re just sh1t out of luck and can’t go indoors until they are.

        4. The breakthrough infections did not spread the virus and they did not cause serious cases. The cases were largely asymptomatic.

      3. +1. The emerging science (best we have right now) says that vaccinated people contribute to spread very rarely. Vaccinated people are not at risk for severe covid19 or dying. We don’t live in a world where risk will ever be zero – this is absolutely not realistic standard. There is no scientific basis to requiring vaccinated people to continue to mask, and it is disincentivizing to people reluctant to vaccinate to say “please get the shot but continue to live like you didn’t and nothing has changed”…even though you are in fact now protected from getting severe covid19 and likely protected from spreading it.

        Also, I do not think that anyone who would lie about being vaccinated is going to wear a mask anyway, or was wearing a mask prior to the CDC saying vaccinated people didn’t have to.

        1. I disagree with your last sentence. Those people DID wear a mask when they had to – when Walmart or wherever made them do it. They didn’t want to. They didn’t believe in it. But they did it anyway and now they definitely won’t.

          1. A lot of stores are still requiring masks even if the CDC says they aren’t necessary.

    5. I agree that there are a lot of anti-vax people who are taking the opportunity to not wear a mask.

      1. Were they wearing masks before? I think that is a lot of the mouth-maskers who weren’t also nose-maskers.

        1. +1 I don’t really think anyone who is anti-vax and is taking advantage of the new guidance is really changing their behavior in a material way.

          1. But at least those anti-vax, anti-mask losers did have to wear their masks in grocery stores and other big-box stores. I’m particularly shocked that TJ did such a quick reversal. They were super Covid-cautious in my area – they were the only grocery store that had lines outside because they literally counted the # of people going in the store at one time.

        2. Actually, I have a friend who decided some time ago that Covid is for others and she’d be fine even if she were to get it. She does not want to get a risky vaccine when Covid presents no risk to her, only inconvenience and a stifling of her ability to share her substantial wealth with the needy via spending. She has been very mask-compliant but is very relieved she no longer has to wear them. She may have a fake vaccine card at this point to cover herself for travel or work requirements, but I’m not sure of that.

          1. There was a great article in The Atlantic where the reporter talked to anti-vaxxers, non-judgmentally, about why they didn’t want the vaccine. It basically came down to:
            – Many, many people do not think Covid is a big deal (they think it’s a real illness but do not think it causes real problems, because no one they know has gotten very sick or died)
            – These people never abided by restrictions – they did not wear masks unless they absolutely had to, they continued traveling, they lived in states where schools and restaurants stayed open, etc.
            – So for them, they don’t understand why they’d get a shot to solve problems they don’t have. They don’t feel a need to “get back to normal” because things were really never that abnormal for them. They went on vacation, they gathered for holidays with friends and family, etc. They were living very different lives than most of the people on this board, most definitely.

            While this is somewhat infuriating it did make me understand that, as someone else said, vaccine compliance is probably about as high as we’re going to see. Hopefully vaccinations coupled with natural antibodies from people who got Covid will be protective. But we can convince people to solve a problem they don’t believe is a problem, that they experienced no negative consequences from. If we really want people to get vaccinated, we need to start offering mobile clinics (I think they are doing this some places) and cash incentives. Just exhorting people to get the vaccine, or trying to shame people for not getting it, isn’t going to work.

          2. You need to reassess your friendship. I don’t need to agree with everything that my friends do, but the level of foolishness described here would make me reevaluate the person’s values and judgment.

    6. I think that the CDC is saying that not getting shots is a choice and that even of us have gotten them to just throw in the towel (maybe: and send unneeded doses to India or where they are needed and wanted).

    7. I don’t think the CDC wants the pandemic to continue! That’s absurd. But I completely disagree with the way they’ve gone about this. By removing the mask mandate when the most privileged are largely vaccinated but the disadvantaged aren’t, it increases the risk on our more vulnerable communities. I wish they would have set a marker, like when 80% of a state is vaccinated, the mask mandate can be dropped, to encourage people to get vaccinated quickly.

      1. What is your source for saying the disadvantaged aren’t vaccinated but the privileged are? I see states making a huge effort to get vaccinations to people with mobile clinics and vans, clinics on buses to remote areas, pop up clinics in inner cities, 24- hour clinics for working people, and no appointment vaccinations. Seems to me that privileged AND disadvantaged people who aren’t vaccinated yet aren’t trying very hard.

        1. Yes to this. We are practically begging people to get vaccinated here. Ohio is literally running a free lottery to incentivize people to get vaccinated. Every day I see at least three headlines about how many excess vaccines the US has and the struggle is to get people to take them

        2. People are so lazy that we need to make it even easier than this. Anyone who is willing to make any sort of effort has already gotten vaccinated. We need employers to be offering vaccination clinics on site during the workday, just like they do with the flu vaccine. With bonuses or at least pizza.

          1. +1 my employer is doing this even though the office staff is not required to be on-site.

        3. My city (major US city) has not had 24-hour vax sites at all, and vaccines only opened up for everyone on April 12. There has been some outreach to vulnerable/low-income communities but not what I would have expected. There is huge racial/socio-economic disparity around who has been vaccinated, and even if that’s in some way through “choice,” the answer isn’t dropping mask rules, it’s increasing education regarding vaccines and access until we reach a higher number.

          1. Great article in the NYT about this a few days ago.
            Here’s my place-of-privilege vaccine story:
            – I got a text on my cell phone (which I can pay the bill for consistently every month) that vaccine appointments were available. I used the cell phone to make an appointment, easy to do as I have a top-tier T-Mobile plan with unlimited data. If my cell wasn’t working I could have used either my personal or business laptop computer.
            – My appointment was at a Walgreens five miles/15 minutes driving from my house. No problem for me, as I own my own vehicle and don’t have to rely on public transportation.
            – My first-shot appointment was at 11 in the morning. No problem! I am a salaried employee and get paid the same even if I take an hour off of work. My generous employer didn’t even make me take PTO for my vaccine appointment. I just rescheduled a meeting (didn’t have to find someone to cover my shift) and went and got my shot.
            – My second shot was the same – at 11 a.m., five miles from my house, so I had to miss work again but again, no big deal as I am salaried and did not have to take PTO. About three hours after the second shot I started feeling bad. No worries – my employer offers Covid-specific leave that can be applied to second-shot symptoms, and doesn’t count against our PTO. Which is good because I took off the rest of that day and all of the next.
            – Oh, one other relevant point: I have a school-age child but he’s in school, in person, and so I didn’t have to arrange child care for him. My parents live in another state so I didn’t have to arrange elder care either.

            See what I mean? What if I was a worker working a shift job where I didn’t get paid if I didn’t work, or maybe would get fired if I missed shifts to get a shot or had symptoms afterward? What if I had to arrange child or elder care just to go to my appointment? What if I don’t have a cell phone due to poor credit? What if I have to rely on public transportation and it’s going to take me four hours, round trip, for a 15-minute shot appointment? (I know Uber and Lyft are now offering free rides to vaccine clinics.) We’re not making this easy enough for people. We need mobile vaccination vans driving around on evenings and weekends, offering people $50 cash to get vaccinated right then and there. If we do that everywhere, I would be very surprised if we couldn’t push the vaccination percentage up by 10 or more points inside of a month.

      2. I think they recognize that that likely won’t happen. We are having to close vaccination sites due to lack of demand. You can’t force people to go. There are many church and other programs and the dilemma is use J&J b/c people may not come back for the second shot (esp. when so many people discuss mild symptoms post-shot and people use it as ammo for being afraid of really bad things happening from shots when the reality is that really bad things happen b/c of COVID). Waiting the white flag — more change on this will likely take a lot of time and outreach. Meanwhile, let’s not let have the rest of the people hold off with no end date that is realistic.

      3. The vaccine is available 7 days/week, without appointments, at public sites, grocery stores, mobile clinics, churches, and drug stores in my SEUS state. Polling indicates that people who aren’t vaccinated yet – regardless of demographics (race, income, etc.) – are either waiting by choice or don’t intend to be vaccinated at all. Requiring people to keep masking when those adults who are unvaccinated don’t intend to be isn’t something that will fly here.

      4. I don’t think we’re going to get to 80% vaccination rates, and I don’t think anti-vaxxers should get to hold the rest of us hostage. They’re out living their lives anyway. I think most of your community spread this summer will be in backyard BBQs, where people are going maskless anyway. Why shouldn’t I be able to go to a bar or a concert without a mask? If people want to lie and say they’ve been vaccinated when they haven’t, oh well.

        1. This is exactly how I feel. I’m sorta done sacrificing for people who can’t bother to help themselves

          1. 1. Wearing a mask is really not a sacrifice.
            2. There are a lot of people who have done all they can to help themselves who still need us to wear masks.

          2. You’re not sacrificing for anti-vaxxers, though. You’d be sacrificing to protect kids who can’t get vaccinated and people for whom the vaccines don’t work (you might not think you know anyone like that, but if you know anyone with an autoimmune disorder requiring certain drugs or anyone getting chemotherapy, you do). Is it really too much to ask that you (and everyone else) continue to wear a piece of cloth on your face while you shop and go indoors in public places, at least until vaccination rates reach a really good threshold?

          3. We are not going to infect anyone. That’s the science. You’re arguing that it’s public policy that we should wear masks so that those who refuse the vaccine will wear masks, because those are the people that are going to infect others.

            I argue that people who refuse the vaccine do not make their yes/no mask decisions based on whether vaccinated people are masked.

          4. The science says that because I’m fully vaccinated I have a very low risk of transmitting covid. The people not protecting others are those who aren’t getting a vaccine. You want me to wear a mask because you think it will make people who refuse to get a vaccine more likely to wear a mask?

          5. @1:10, that’s a really convenient argument. I argue that we all use the honor system for ATM withdrawals so I don’t have to enter an ATM pin from now on. The narcissism in this country is astounding. As a mother to a 3 and 5 year old who have to wear masks all day long at daycare, I have zero patience or sympathy with adults who are so tired of it that they can’t make indoor places safer for my kids and other kids below the age of 12 until they are eligible for the vaccine. But you got yours, right? So we’re all moving on.

          6. @1:27 Yes. If there’s a societal norm to wear masks until this thing is better under control and every age group has had a chance to get vaccinated, then more people will wear masks. Overnight, lots of stores have removed the mandates even though there is no way of verifying who is vaccinated and who is not. That will put a lot of vulnerable people in harms way even if they continue to mask themselves. So yes, I expect vaccinated people to do their part, and I plan to continue to do mine until my kids are eligible for the vaccine.

          7. I also have two kids under five and I’m ok with the new guidance. You don’t have a monopoly on opinions of moms of kids too young to be vaccinated.

      5. Vaccinated people not wearing masks doesn’t put anyone at risk, privileged or not.

        People who refuse to get vaccinated and people who refuse to mask is basically a 1:1. Vaccinated people wearing masks or not has no impact on those decisions.

        1. The issue is the honor system. THAT’S what we’re talking about, not whether vaccinated people put others at risk. The issue is that you cannot tell who is vaccinated and who is not and selfish people WILL lie and put others at risk, just like they have done all pandemic.

          1. Of course people will lie – the guidance doesn’t change that! Be mad at people who aren’t getting vaccinated, not people who did their part by getting vaccinated and are over masks

          2. Being mad at antivaxxers doesn’t change anything, but making everyone wear masks protects society from the antivaxxers.

    8. I would have preferred vaccine passports but even that is hard to enforce. People would just wear the mask into the store and take it off after getting passed the check point.

      Most businesses where I live are still requiring masks indoors. The change just allowed people to feel comfortable going maskless in private homes w/ friends and family. I haven’t seen any change in public behavior except maybe while walking through parking lots. People are putting the mask on at the door instead of in the car.

    9. The Yankees outbreak is a good reminder of why even fully vaccinated people need to continue wearing masks until community transmission is under control.

      1. I’m concerned that CDC is also no longer planning to even track breakthrough infections unless they result in hospitalization or death. For the life of me, I can’t see why it’s a good idea to collect less data in this context. It honestly feels political.

        2. Yeah, this sounds familiar. If you don’t test/count the infections they don’t exist. Who was it who first said that?

        3. Why do you think this? I get regular surveys from the CDC asking a bunch of questions post vax, including if I’ve tested positive

        4. The CDC has announced that they are no longer reporting breakthrough cases that did not result in hospitalization or death.

      2. Per NPR, breakthrough cases were expected and appear to be mild / asymptomatic. The scientists aren’t in a panic.

        1. That is the point, though. Breakthrough cases were expected and are indeed happening. Do you want to be the breakthrough case that is symptomatic? I sure don’t, especially if all it takes to avoid that is people wearing masks.

          1. So you want vaxxed people to wear masks? I thought the objection was that unvaxxed people will stop wearing masks b/c you can’t tell who is and isn’t vaxxed.

          2. Yes, I want everyone to keep masking until vaccination rates are higher and community transmission is lower.

          3. You posed it as a question – Yes, I’m fine with being the very rare breakthrough case that is mildly symptomatic if that means we can all stop wearing masks in public all the time. I am very comfortable with that risk level and trade off.

          4. I think to make vaxxed people continue to mask b/c of people disregarding the guidance and going maskless inside while unvaxxed is . . . going to make no one bother to get vaccinated. I had wanted to get shots for my 12YO and 10YO at the same time over the summer (assuming they let 10YOs get it soon), but I got my 12YO his first shot asap mainly b/c I recognize that no one will bother with masks anymore. It may push some people forward b/c finally, it is the shot that protects you (and you can still wear your own mask if you want more protection). I woudldn’t discount that.

          5. Bonnie Kate, do you think it’s fair for you to make that decision for me? What about for all the unvaccinated people?

          6. @Anonymous12:14 – absolutely not fair for me to make the decision for you – I’m completely cool with you wearing a mask however long you feel like it. Seriously – I am very okay with seeing people in masks. That gives you the protection you want, without taking away my ability to make a different decision than you.

        2. Exactly this.

          This was in April when 85% of the company had been vaccinated. Eight-five percent. There were 9 cases total, 8 were asymptomatic, 1 was symptomatic and mild and has resolved. None led to secondary infections in other people.

          Any medicine or vaccine is not expected to be 100% effective and we expect some breakthrough cases in vaccinated people. On the whole, these cases are not symptomatic. It is very rare to have a severe case or secondary transmission from a breakthrough case. With 85% vaccination rate, only one case that resulted in mild symptoms, and no secondary transmissions, the Yankee breakout is a case of vaccines doing exactly what we expect them to be doing.

        3. Did they forget that the rest of us are concerned about long covid? Are they even checking how well vaccines prevent long term symptoms in mildly symptomatic breakthrough cases? I’m not in a panic either, but my decisions are my decisions, and I want the CDC to be publishing the data that would inform them.

          1. The federal government cares not one whit about long COVID. When J&J was first authorized, Fauci himself said the lower effectiveness against infection in general didn’t matter because it was still highly effective against death and hospitalization, which were the only outcomes that we should care about.

          2. Long Covid is highly highly correlated with severe Covid, which vaccinated people are overwhelmingly protected from.

          3. To the anon saying is correlated with severe cases, can you cite a source? In my reading, I have understood that Long Covid is not correlated to severe disease.

          5. Anon at 1:12 PM, that’s not right. Awful symptoms in patients who survived hospitalization are unfortunate but not a huge surprise after what their bodies went through; it’s hard to tell what’s happening until they’ve healed from the medications, interventions, and the damage from the virus that made them require hospitalization in the first place. But those symptoms are different from the long covid symptoms that people with mild cases of covid (that did NOT require hospitalization) are living with for months or indefinitely.

      3. The Yankees outbreak is good news. They were all infected by one unvaccinated person. Those who were vaccinated developed asymptomatic or very very mild symptoms. They did not go on to infect others and the spread stopped with them. That’s the vaccine working.

          1. +1

            People reporting the Yankees outbreak as bad news do not know what they are talking about. 8/9 cases were asymptomatic, 1/9 was mildly symptomatic, and NONE passed the infection on to somebody else. None.

        2. +1,000,000 This is vaccines working!!! At no time did anyone say that the vaccines were 100% going to prevent transmission or infection. Good lord.

          1. Which is exactly why we need to keep masking until we get community transmission under control!

          2. But the vaccinated people who got it didn’t spread it, so why do they need to wear masks?

    10. Honestly, the CDC guidance doesn’t have a huge impact in my state (GA). We were already at the point where requiring masks was a decision made by individual businesses/schools/churches/etc. The conversations here about whether vaccinated people could socialize without masks…that wasn’t even a question here. Vaccinated people ditched the masks pretty much immediately. And I don’t even live in a very conservative area.

      1. I live in a liberal area in Atlanta and I noticed a marked change over the weekend versus last weekend. My two weekends were virtually identical in terms of where I went and the businesses I visited and there was substantially less masking this weekend and the outdoor farmers market had a mask requirement for all last weekend but only for unvaccinated this weekend and it showed. That is not to say that there hadn’t been gradual change with vaccine rollout. There had. But this was dramatic to me.

    11. From a public health standpoint, I think they are getting out in front of the inevitable mask fatigue/disregard. Telling fully vaccinated people to keep wearing masks takes away the “reward” of getting the vax. We told people “vaccine = back to normal” last year.

      I am NOT suggesting this is the most logical, but in many cases public health is a weighing of what is most practical with the most benefit to the public. If the CDC wants to hang on to credibility about when masks are required in case they are needed again (like in the fall?) then I think it’s a not insane call to drop it now.

      Yes, absolutely, there will be anti vaxxers dropping their masks. I have not looked at this, but it would not surprise me to see these same people only wearing their mask halfway anyway.

      I worked directly in public health for nearly a decade. It’s a very delicate balance between the science and the implementation/practicality of the recommendations.

      1. +1 To reach vaccine hesitant folks you’ve got to have a reason to get vaccinated. And frankly, even as someone who was as eager as anybody to get vaccinated, I’m also happy to have some kind of “reward” for my good behavior.

        1. And maybe the hesitant people will realize that they should get on with it, especially since the rest of us have been guinea pigs without incident for the past several months.

      2. +1 all of this.

        I really think the only way you’re going to get a lot of reluctant people to vaccinate is to pay them. I’m super interested in seeing how of some of the state’s experimenting with this right now do.

    12. Obviously the CDC wants the pandemic to end, but they really bungled the messaging on this. It’s fine to say that the vaccines are protective and most vaccinated people aren’t at significant risk (I agree with this- am a scientist, have read many of the actual papers), but that shouldn’t translate into dropping indoor mask mandates quite yet. It’s just not true that everyone who’s not vaccinated yet is some sort of crazy antivaxxer who deserves to get covid. Only 37% of people are fully vaccinated and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t include the two weeks post vaccine. If you didn’t have some sort of special status and had to wait until April 15 to even sign up for an appt, the earliest you could be fully vaccinated with Pfizer is later this week, and that’s assuming a lot of things about access to the vaccine. Many people have work schedules that make it harder to access, not to mention kids who can’t get it or weren’t eligible until last week, and people who did get it but have immune conditions that mean they might not have a good response. All of those people would be better off in another 3-4 weeks once more people had time to finish the vaccination cycle and cases drop further, at which point it would be more reasonable to drop mask mandates.

      1. Want to add to my comment- I also want to emphasize that extending indoor mask mandates for another month will make everyone safer, not just the currently unvaccinated. The vaccines are effective, but no vaccine is 100% effective, and it is really important to get population level immunity up so that the amount of virus circulating decreases, which reduces the number of breakthrough infections and the likelihood of new variants of concern. The vaccines are working well on current variants and we want it to stay that way! Obviously that also requires vaccinating the rest of the world, but that’s another topic…

      2. A well-respected infectious disease doctor said in an article in the local paper this weekend that vaccinated individuals with compromised immune systems should consider taking the same precautions as people who remain unvaccinated. I understand that doesn’t apply to the majority of the population, but for those who it does apply to, removing the mask mandate is scary. I finally felt safe going out with both the vaccine and masking. I feel much less safe now. So where does that leave me? Not going out again?

        If we’d had a higher vaccine percentage, I’d be more comfortable. Or I would even have liked to have a metric, even if that was “if the percentage of vaccinated individuals in a state plateaus for more than 7 days, states can consider removing the mask mandate.” The mask mandate can’t stay forever but I think it’s too early to just remove it 100%. Which is pretty much what this did.

        1. Right there with you. I don’t know about you, but I feel totally invisible. You can sometimes find a tiny-font footnote about us in CDC guidance, but not often. The world moves on, we’re at more risk when mask mandates are removed, and people don’t care because they’re too excited for themselves. I would be excited too, but I just wish there was a little more support for others who are less fortunate and who will benefit SO MUCH from continued cheap, low-burden, easy-to-do masking in public spaces.

    13. I wish they’d given more lead time to let states catch up. I felt so sorry for local businesses this weekend who still have to enforce mask mandates under state law. I can just hear people whining, BuT tHe CDC sAys….

      Fwiw I think a lot of businesses will require proof of vaccination. My gym announced this morning that you have to show your vaccine card or else you have to wear a mask. Employees too. I don’t see why bars and restaurants can’t do the same, just like an ID check at the door.

      1. Unfortunately, Target, Walmart, Costco, Starbucks, and other popular retailers are doing purely honor system. Considering how many people need to use Walmart to get basic groceries and supplies (and many need to bring unvaccinated children with them due to lack of childcare), it’s really concerning to me that we’ve just thrown away the only low-tech, easily verifiable, can’t-lie tool: universal masking.

        1. To my very pleasant surprise, the Walmart I went to last week had an employee at the door handing a disposable mask to anyone who wasn’t wearing one and politely asking them to wear it. I’m in Florida, where our governor has very loudly declared that Covid is over and there is no need for mask mandates.

      2. Once they are in the door though, how are they going to enforce it? Marks on the hand like when we were under 21? Not a terrible idea ….

      3. I work with state governments. As far as I’ve heard there was zero coordination or advance warning to state governments. One official I was talking with was relieved that national chain retailers were keeping their mask requirements in place because it gave their branch some cover to keep requiring masks in its facilities, but over the weekend many retailers dropped those requirements. The whole thing is a total charlie foxtrot.

    14. Agree (not that they don’t want it to end, but that this will prolong it.) In my area, the CDC recommendation has led to a “everything is 100% back to normal, effective immediately!” attitude.

    15. There is no good scientific reason for fully vaccinated people to wear masks.

      We really can’t contract the virus, or if we do, it’s likely to be asymptomatic.

      We can’t spread the virus. If we do contract it, our viral load will be so low that we can’t infect another.

      Especially when in public. Sitting next to someone on an airplane or standing next to someone on a crowded subway car, maybe. But not outside. Not in a grocery store. That’s why the guidance is specific to this.

      I am not an anti masker. I 99% stayed home for nearly a year. I dutifully wore my mask and researched which masks were best and I sanitized my hands and I didn’t touch my eyes and all that jazz. I was called anxious and in need of therapy here.

      But anti vax people who didn’t wear masks aren’t going to start now. And there’s no good scientific reason for fully vaccinated people to wear one. I support the new guidance because it’s based on fact.

      I’m wearing a mask where an establishment requires me to (I’m not going to be throwing a tantrum in Costco like an anti masker), but otherwise I’m maskless and happy to get on with my life.

      1. There are plenty of scientific reasons for vaxxed people to wear masks.

        1) Vaccinated people can be infected and may be able to transmit the virus, albeit at much, much lower rates than unvaccinated people.
        2) We need to get infection rates as low as possible as quickly as possible before the virus can mutate into a form that can evade our vaccines. This requires masking of unvaccinated people. Since we can’t tell who is vaccinated and who is not, we need everyone to mask.

        1. Your #2 is the point of this thread. We cannot tell by looking whether someone has been vaccinated or not. We know that some people will use the lack of a mask mandate to refuse to wear a mask even if they have not been vaccinated. Therefore, we need mask mandates until community transmission is down and vaccination rates are higher than 37%.

        2. Anonymous at 1:09 — what makes you the authority on what the universal “we” needs to do? Maybe you should apply to work at the CDC since you’re apparently figured it all out.

          1. 2:14, experts are saying that “we” need to stop the spread to stop the development of variants. The CDC isn’t listening to the experts.

        3. No, there was no measured transmission of the virus in the study among the vaccinated group. Your point 1 is incorrect. 2 is an opinion, not fact.

        4. Because that’s the part that is missing from the discussion here. Yes, me-myself-and-I as a vaxed person (with no underlying diseases) am about as safe as I can be. But just like we needed herd immunity to wipe out other infectious diseases, we need herd immunity to wipe out this disease, or at least get it to be at low levels. Why do you get vaxed for ANY infectious disease? To protect those who cannot be vaxed due to other medical situations or those who cannot yet be taxed (such as infants). Why would Covid be any different? You don’t just vax for your own self. Likewise, I didn’t just wear a mask for my own self – I wore it for the benefit of high-risk people, essential workers, etc. This just seems — like common sense.

          I won’t wear it outside anymore (and I don’t intend to be in any crowded outdoor situations in the near future, like an outdoor concert), but I’ll wear a mask going into a store for the foreseeable future, regardless of whether the store requires it. It just seems the normal, polite thing to do.

          2. Thank you, Lauren. It’s so true it’s the “normal, polite” thing to do, but so many act like it’s an enormous sacrifice to briefly wear a cloth mask on your face while around others. It’s really truly not.

  15. Agree that Santorini is stunning, despite the tourists. For slightly lesser known, I liked Hydra and Amorgos. I would skip Mykonos if you aren’t into clubbing.

  16. Good weekend — got my 12YO his first shot and several friends got their shots, so I am hoping for a normal summer for them after a year where they were miserable and lonely.

    2. Great news! My 12YO gets his today and is very much looking forward to “feeling safe” again.

    4. I thought that the vaccine would give my 14-year-old a normal summer. Then the CDC pulled the rug out from under us.

      2. I have a 14-year-old also and I don’t understand your comment.

        My son’s first shot is this week, so by mid-June he will be fully vaccinated, as will all of his close friends (according to what he’s heard from everyone).

        Teens our kids’ age are super-low-risk for serious Covid complications in a statistical sense anyway. If they’re vaccinated the chances that they would get Covid and die, or end up disabled, or spread it to others, is really negligible.

        What impact are you thinking the non-vaccinated non-masking people will have on your fully-vaccinated kid? With my kid, we’re being careful about having him indoors with people until he’s fully vaccinated but after that he’s going to resume semi-normal life. He’s already back in school which is a massive petri dish anyway (and back on the honor roll after three straight quarters of dismal underperformance). I don’t understand why you’re so worried?

          1. Breakthrough infections causing serious disease among vaccinated people? No, I have not heard. And the data from the studies (not just US) is clear that breakthrough infections causing serious harm to vaxxed people pretty much don’t happen.

          2. What Whoa said. I am not worried about breakthrough infections for myself or anyone who is vaccinated, especially based on the small case studies that the New York Yankees and Bill Maher have provided to us. If my son gets an asymptomatic or mildly symptomatic breakthrough infection, it won’t concern me in the least; we probably won’t even notice, correct? There’s no reason for continued handwringing and fearmongering over breakthrough infections that will somehow, in defiance of the known science, become severe. It’s counterproductive at this point to engage in that.

  17. My friend is miserable in her marriage but afraid to leave because she has 3 young kids and she is afraid of getting less time with them. She thought she could try to stick it out till they leave for college. I told her she will be modeling a terrible marriage to them during that time- it’s no secret they are unhappy. But I obviously can’t promise her she will be less miserable after she leaves him- it’s like she’s choosing the known misery in her marriage, but only a chance at happiness, and seeing her kids less, with a divorce. Thoughts or advice? I suggested she start seeing a female therapist (she is seeing an older man who has made it clear he thinks she should stay for the kids), and that I would support her in whatever she does. I mean, would her kids really want to see their mom miserable for the next 12 years?

    1. “She is afraid of getting less time with them.” But she will be splitting custody and parenting time absent anything truly horrific (that does not seem to be the case here, just unhapiness). It seems that too many people want their kids’ dads to step up and take solo parenting time. Circumstances forcing the other parent is forced to do solo parenting time, can that stop being a reason to stay in a marriage that you’d otherwise leave? You can’t just make the other person vanish (and yet the checks keep coming) and relationships with dads are important to have and foster as kids get older.

      1. What often drives women to stay in these marriages is that the dad is not fit to care for the kids on his own. Even if he’s capable of handling an afternoon, it could be downright dangerous to leave the kids with him for an extended period of time. Courts do not typically have the same risk assessment priorities as mothers. Many mothers also believe that the common presumption of 50/50 parenting time is detrimental to children, leaving them without a stable and consistent place to call home.

        My mother chose to stay in her marriage for the safety of her children. I faulted her for this decision throughout my childhood and thereafter until I had children of my own and was exposed to family courts through my job. Now I see that she made the best choice she could have given a terrible set of options.

        1. Is that likely the case though? Unsafe? Abusive? vs isn’t as good b/c he never had to learn learnable skills. We trust tween girls to babysit. Dad feeding you cheetos for dinner or hotdogs isn’t a reason to limit parenting time.

          1. Mental illness that courts don’t care about but could deteriorate with little warning, emotional abuse, etc.

          2. There’s a huge difference been a tween girl sitting for a few hours at home or a parent have sole responsibility for days on end.

            Does he reliably give asthma medication at the correct time and dose, does he do the necessary physio or speech exercises, does he remember the epipen every time they leave the house?

            The attitude seems to be the dad will not do it if the mom does it all the time and will step up to the plate when she isn’t there. Based on what I have seen in family court, that is not often the case. And the courts will only intervene after there have been numerous life safety issues.

          3. Mental issues could be lobbed all around, but that goes both ways. There is such a stigma to mental health issues that get documented via treatment that the alternative is . . . no one gets treatment b/c then there is no record of a condition??? That can’t be the right approach. People with anxiety or depression can parent, regardless of gender.

            If the person has a disabling condition that is currently disabling, that is different. Potentially disabling — that is a slippery slope that we should all be concerned with putting people on.

          4. I trust teenagers to babysit for a night out to keep my kids safe and alive. That doesn’t mean I’d trust a teenager to parent a kid. There’s more to it than just keeping kids safe in a physical sense. It’s not irrational to not want your kids spending 50% of their time with a phone it in parent.

          5. As someone who almost had kids with someone with severe mental illness (but then freaked out and decided to leave instead), I really feel this. My ex presented as normal, had a job, was not violent and did not do drugs. He also would 100% had not been a safe parent for our hypothetical children if we would have gotten divorced. Not in an outright abusive way, but in a “forget to feed them because I’m playing video games, forget to pick them up from daycare because I am taking a nap, forget to use sunscreen, decide they actually don’t need whatever medication because Big Pharma is bad, randomly go for a walk in the middle of the night and leave them alone” kind of way. Based on conversations I have had with fellow spouses of mental illness sufferers, this is really not uncommon.

          6. Phone-it-in parenting isn’t abusive parenting. Abusive parenting is the legal line that matters. Anything else matters “to you” but is not that different than regular parenting a generation ago (esp. when people weren’t poopcups).

          7. Well many mothers care more about their kids having stable, loving environments that reflect their values more than their relative unhappiness in their marriage. I understand that a generation ago many parents did exactly the type of parenting many mothers fear (Cheetos for dinner, loads of screen time, minimal involvement or interaction with their kids) but a lot of people my age aren’t ok with how they were raised (and seeing how nearly all of my friends are in therapy, I don’t think I’m in the minority here). Part of choosing to become a parent for many women included a choice to not do what their parents did. If their co parent isn’t living up to their end of the bargain why is it wrong for a mother to say I value raising my kids the way I want to over being in an unfulfilling marriage. I’m happy in my marriage but if I thought my husband would just let our kids watch tv and eat junk food and forget to bring them to their activities then yeah I’d stay in an unhappy marriage until my kids were a bit older.

          8. Do you all realize that this year, even good parents had kids with waaaay too much screen time and maybe not the best food options?

          9. The legal standard for limiting parental rights is not “other parent doesn’t parent in a way that is idea to *me*.” If you want to make all of the decisions for a kid, be a single parent by choice. Otherwise, parenting is a team sport, divorced or not, and getting to a counselor on this now will serve everyone better in the long run. For wee children, the homework thing isn’t a thing yet. For teens, their work is on them. In between, parenting style helps. But it’s not unilateral — it’s a Venn diagram of overlap. Teachers are used to seeing one parent drop the ball and generally never penalize the kid; this is not a new thing. If you kid fails the AP History exam, that’s not really on either parent at that point. Kids aren’t stupid — they see the values you actually model. Maybe you want the kid to pratice violin but dad takes them to a ball game — see that from the kid’s perspective — they have a lot of other hours for violin, but IMO when the kids are in Dad’s house, it is OK that Dad sets the agenda even if it’s not your agenda. The kid gets value from that ballgame even if it is not what you preferred. This works even if you stay married (and may be what keeps you married).

          10. Of course I realize there was way too much screentime and not enough good food this year, especially for my own kids. Which is why I totally understand if someone wanted to stay in an unhappy marriage to make sure their kids weren’t in survival mode during a pandemic type household 50 percent of the time forever. I’ve seen the negative effects this has had on my kids and I’d like to avoid it. If I were not feeling happy in my marriage and didn’t trust husband to not just go the bare minimum, of course I would stay married. My kids happiness and well being for these critical years of development means way more to me than feeling happy for a few years, especially when parents of young kids are rarely totally happy anyways. They are tough years.

          11. 11:53, that’s the whole point. I had kids because I wanted to raise them in accordance with certain values. I’m not going to turn them over to someone who doesn’t share those values 50% of the time. Since the courts aren’t going to enforce my values, I’m going to remain in the home with them so I can do it.

          13. 11:53, this is how you end up with “Disneyland dads.” Dad takes kid to the ballgame. Mom has to use all her time getting the kid to finish homework and practice violin and never gets to take kid to the ballgame herself.

        2. This. So much this. He’s not going to lose custody because they don’t get a bath or do their homework on the three days he has them or if they eat fast food every dinner. At least if she’s there, she can have some say in those things.

          1. Like why? Why micromanage?

            I am married to my kids’ dad and I fail at a lot of this when someone is sick / work is busy / you are just having a day. Can’t say I’d appreciate the backbenching from inside of my house but would particularly resent it from outside of my house.

            This is setting bar for “good parenting” is a bizarre place. It should be “are you present for your kid” and not “did you feed them something with nitrates in it that was delicious.” Or how would this make poor parents into bad parents by default???

          2. Surely you see a world of difference between skipping a bath and fast food foe dinner when someone is sick or life is crazy and that being a daily/weekly occurrence.

          3. The homework is a big one for me. What if the dad and the mom have different academic expectations for their kids? My husband’s parents had a “sink or swim” attitude towards school and figured that everything was up to their kids. As a result, some of their kids who were smart but could have used just a little support with motivation or organization or advocacy ended up falling far short of their potential, with lifelong impacts. In this day and age, where high-stakes testing and grades can have a huge impact on a child’s entire educational future as early as kindergarten, I wouldn’t want to share parenting time with someone who had that kind of attitude.

          4. I’m not saying a parent should lose custody for what you call ‘micromanage’ reasons but the reality is the parent loses control over the space been parenting that makes their kid healthy and happy and parenting that loses custody. The middle ground is what you have some control over when you are in the same house.

            One of my kids would be fine with a bath every three days. The other would not be fine because he would have an eczema flare up. He needs a lukewarm bath and heavy lotion every night. If not, he’s miserable and itchy with a never-ending battle with steroid creams to get it under control.

            And we eat fast food at least once a week for dinner so I’m not adverse to its occasional convenience. But I have seen a family court case where the Dad took the kid to MacDonalds for every meal, he did not cook ever. Like a box of cereal and a carton of milk was too much work for him. Did not impact custody in any way.

          6. I didn’t say ‘weekly’ – doesn’t basically every one do weekly? I said ‘every dinner’. Every dinner is not healthy but will not affect custody. Unhealthy but adequate parenting.

          7. When I said daily/weekly, I meant as in fast food every day/no actual food in the house – just fast food or skipping a bath weekly, as in no bath for several weeks. No one would lose custody over that but I sure wouldn’t want my kids in that situation.

        3. From my work in the family courts, a lot of this is differences in parenting style that one parent tries to paint as a danger to the kids when in reality it is just not compatible parenting. One parent may have a different risk tolerance than they other. One parent may allow more screen time or more junk food than the other. One parent may have a couple of drinks after the kids go to bed while the other parent never drinks. One may require more clothes in cold weather. The other might assume the kids will come in when they are cold. More often than not it is a conflict between old school parenting “you do this because I say so” and new school parenting and often discipline styles as well.

          The courts are absolutely not going to get involved in that stuff. They get involved when things rise to the level of abuse or neglect. You can’t just presume one parent is going to do a bad job solo parenting. As one judge said “I’m going to give him enough rope to hang himself” (I hate that phrase) but if he does something neglectful, you all will be back here immediately. Now as Mom, that’s terrifying. The kid has to be potentially neglected before things change. But if a parent has never solo parented, they have to be given the opportunity to succeed.

          The reality among my friends that have been divorced and discuss it, most moms were devastated at first to only get 50% of the time with the kids. They had been devoting 100% of themselves to the kids. After some time though, they loved it. They had hobbies again. They were dating. They had time to focus on them and not “just” be a mom.

          1. What really happens when there is a difference in parenting styles is that dad becomes the “fun” parent and mom spends all her parenting time getting the kids caught up on homework.

          3. Oooh so much to Anon at 11:09 , mom ends up being the parent and dad is basically a fun babysitter

          4. To your first paragraph – my husband’s first marriage basically broke up over the first paragraph. His former wife had become a SAHM and was a pretty intensive parent. He favored a less intensive parenting style. She (I think subconsciously) was of the perspective that she was the full-time parent and he wasn’t, so he didn’t get to decide those things. It eventually grew into a conflict that, despite years of counseling, they couldn’t resolve. And yes, during the divorce (which took almost 2 years to complete), she argued that he was unfit as a parent based on things like the fact that he let the kids swim in the pool between 11 AM and 3 PM (insufficient attentiveness to the risk of sunburn), that he fed them frozen pizza for dinner (it was an organic chicken and broccoli pizza), and that he wasn’t focused enough on their enrichment (because on the weekends they were with him, he preferred unstructured time to structured activities). Meanwhile, he thinks she’s a total helicopter parent who is teaching their kids to be dependent and not equipping them to be successful adults. I think they’re very different people with very different perspectives who would be better off if they could co-parent more cooperatively, but hey – I’m just the stepmom.

            TL;DR they just have vastly different philosophies on how to parent, and each of them believes the other is doing it wrong. But from a court’s perspective “he shouldn’t be making frozen pizza for dinner” and “she’s overscheduling the kids” are not really compelling arguments when the next case on the docket probably involves actual real neglect/abuse/etc.

          6. FWIW, my mother was the fun parent and my father was the disciplinarian. It created a lifetime of resentment for him.

        4. This. My dad was enough of a problem with my mom around. He was perceived as a pillar of the community and courts would have loved him. But it would have been very, very bad to have been in his care. I remember one of the biggest fights we ever got in was to get my sister to the hospital in time even though it was ruining his plans for the day. There’s no way to prove this stuff to outside parties; they do not believe “teen girls” over “responsible adult breadwinners.”

          1. Yup. I remember being shocked as a kid when I was told by adults, “Sorry, it’s not abuse unless it leaves a mark.”

          2. Yes this! I think a lot of posters are assuming this is difference of parenting styles and not a “I do not trust husband to put my kids needs above his wants” situation. which is surprisingly common

      2. Exactly–an equal split of parenting time is 50% less parenting time than she gets now.

    2. Divorced with one kid — couldn’t be happier. I do get sad that I only see my kid 50% of the time and miss milestones (first lost tooth!). Deleting social media so I wasn’t looking at a highlight reel of my friend’s purportedly happy marriages and kid adventures helped. I had a few happy years where I was able to re-discover long neglected hobbies, have some quiet time to myself, and do plenty of flirting, dating and casual gardening. Now I found a great partner, but I know that I would have been happy without one, too. My kid gets to see me in a happy, loving, supportive relationship. It was my second best decision ever, after having the kid in the first place.

    3. Is there drugs/abuse/cheating? If not, as someone with three young kids and a formerly rocky marriage, I can see why she wants to stay. Female therapist for her. Couples therapy for them both. It took us 3 couples therapists to find the right fit but made a lot of progress once we found the right person.

      Tell her if she is going to stay, she should figure out how to make things better. Are they fighting about chores? Can they outsource more? Let more go?

      The under 5 years are tough on marriages and a tough period to divorce because the kids don’t really understand what’s going on and a couple days feels like a long time to them. Kids are more resilient towards divorce in the elementary school years (I researched this when things were really rough with DH).

      The pandemic has been really really tough on marriages for people with young kids. If she has decided to stay for now, encourage her to re-evaluate in a year when the pandemic aspects should be relieved. It might be tough now because of the pandemic but if it is still tough in a year and he is unwillingly to try counselling, then she should look again at her decision.

    4. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think it’s selfish of parents to leave marriages because of “unhappiness” when they have young children. I think parents tend to (1) overestimate how much their unhappiness matters to their children and (2) project onto their children their own feelings about their spouse. Being a parent means putting your children ahead of your own interests. Full-stop. As the child of parents who divorced when I was young, I can honestly say that I did not notice nor care about their feelings towards each other except that divorce let them indulge their own selfish interests above their kids’ well-being and we were left with fewer resources than we would have had if they had stayed together.

      This is, of course, presuming that there is no abuse, infidelity, etc., just one parent feeling unhappy/unfulfilled. I think there are a lot of things that parents can and SHOULD do before divorcing when there are young children in the home to try to salvage a marriage and improve their relationship with each other. Happiness is oftentimes a product of one determining to be positive regardless of circumstances and it takes strength, resiliency, and unselfishness to choose to prioritize that, and the interests of your young children, over leaving a marriage to try to find something better elsewhere.

      1. Agree in that I have seen people leave marriages where the main point of contention was arguing over parenting/household stuff vs. infidelity/drinking etc, only to find out that co-parenting when divorced is basically harder are more expensive because every argument had the other side calling their lawyer.

        1. Sad to say, but yes, I’ve seen fights over “you give Lizzie too much Sprite.” I get it if Lizzie has T1 diabetes or some legit condition, but Lizzie doesn’t.

      3. This. Also, there is really no such thing as happiness when you have young children. Little kids make life a terrible slog. Blaming your unhappiness on your marriage is short-sighted and selfish.

      4. I don’t agree with everything you wrote but it really is worth noting that couples with young kids are basically the least happy of all couples. They’re trying years even with the perfect partner, and it’s probable that COVID has not made this past year easier.

        1. The lowest part of our marriage, bar none, was when my son was four. We were exhausted, we missed our old life, we were both working a ton and our connection with each other was pretty much nil. We went to counseling and that helped a little, but what really helped was our son getting older and more self-sufficient. So many of my life woes have been solved if by me hanging on and waiting things out. As an example, the kid who would not eat anything but PB&J and chicken nuggets now eats lots of different foods thanks to experiences at friends’ houses, and can now make his own PB&J if he doesn’t like what I make for dinner. Tension removed. All it took was time. Life is long. Sometimes I think people make permanent choices to solve temporary problems, not saying that’s necessarily the case for OP’s friend. But for anyone out there with little kids – it does get better.

      6. If you’re reading this and you’re unhappy in your marriage, please feel free to ignore this advice. You’re only getting one life. You deserve to be happy. Don’t let a random Internet commenter get you down.

          1. I lived in a marriage that was so profoundly unhappy, I used to fantasize about veering into oncoming traffic. But please, keep telling people in desperate situations which you do not understand that they are selfish and weak and will ruin their children’s lives.

          2. If you were that unhappy, why on earth would you want your children to have unsupervised time with your spouse? The choice is often stay and be unhappy, or leave and be unhappy plus put your children at risk.

          4. I really cannot think of a more insensitive response. I have given you almost no details – so I’m not sure why you would opine like that. The lack of empathy is startling. I hope that you never experience what I have. And I hope that if you ever find yourself in depths of despair that others treat you with kindness and not shaming judgement.

          5. Anon at 2:54, I have experienced many years of suicidal despair. Obviously, you would not treat me with “kindness and not shaming judgement,” because you have already assumed that I do not know what that is like. Shocking theory: people who go through that might actually resent having it equated with garden-variety unhappiness.

            If you want to make the point that there are limits to sacrificing for your marriage, make that point. Normal swings of life, however, are not a reason for divorce, any more than a coworker microwaving fish at lunch every day is a reason to quit your job without another one lined up.

          6. 2:54, there are people who have been trapped in terrible situations because they literally have to choose between leaving and putting their children at risk.

          7. Having suicidal thoughts is not remotely the same as being unhappy and pretending they are the same really doesn’t help the stigma attached to mental health. I hope you were able to get the care you needed for your depression and suicidal thoughts.

          8. Anon at 3:56 – Love how you can say cruel things on the internet while also playing the victim. Amazing gift. Definitely interested in your life advice.

          9. Anon at 4:51, don’t be an ass to people, even when covered up in sugar, and people with a gift of exposing frauds won’t make you look like an ass. Simple, really.

          1. What is dangerous about this? Being unhappy in your marriage isn’t unsafe or dangerous barring other issues. I know plenty of women who were unhappy in their marriage during the little kid years because those years are really tough. And they are glad they stayed. I know others who were frustrated that their exes weren’t sharing the burden and divorced them and shockingly they exes didn’t suddenly step up as dads. They still have the same terrible relationship with the co parent, see their kids less and are in a less stable financial situation. My opinion of this changes after the little kid years but during those early years I absolutely agree with the poster. I think everyone with young kids gets you have to sacrifice some of your happiness for them.

      7. Kids are not happier when their unhappy parents are together. Kids are happier when their parents are together. Literally zero studies support your point of view.

        1. Literally many studies support the outcome that elementary school aged children have less issues than preschool aged children post divorce. Elementary school age kids are able to report if the other parent is providing inadequate care such as leaving them alone, not enough food in the house, physical abuse that doesn’t leave marks etc.

          See for example the mom in the UK who left her kid alone on like 18 occasions before said 2 year old died the last time when the mom left her alone for like 3 days.

          Many parents of young children stay not because they want total control over the parenting, they stay until their kids are old enough to disclose if the other parent is not able to provide care (constantly drunk, no food in house etc). A 2 year old can’t tell you those things if the other parent is covering.

          1. You cited an anecdote, not a study. “Literally many studies” is also not a citation.

          2. Omg try g oog le – there is a ton of research on the effects of divorce on kids at different ages and in different scenarios. Sometimes divorce is better, sometimes it is not. Pre- elementary age limits ability to disclose.

            I referenced a news piece as an example not as research.

          3. Anon at 2:44 – I didn’t see you cite any specific sources either. Did we miss that somehow?

            And p.s., the cItE yOuR SoUrcEs thing is a pretty weak form of Internet argumentation. Not a good look for someone posting here, who’s supposed to know better.

      8. Agree+1000 %. When you have commitments you suck it up. Your individual “happiness” is not the be all and end all. And don’t mope around in misery either.Make lemonade out of lemons.

    5. I think my opinion has honestly changed since having kids. What does miserable mean? I’d probably stay in a loveless marriage until they were older (definitely not college age), but of course there are all kinds of circumstances that would warrant leaving a miserable situation. It would be difficult to find the balance between being in an unhappy marriage vs being miserable over not seeing the kids every day.

    6. I don’t know what jurisdiction she’s in, but it’s worth looking at what the most common custody split is. It may not be 50/50.

      I divorced in NYS and have sole custody with dad having visitation. Even though I’m missing out on some time with kid, the time I do spend with kid is SO MUCH HIGHER QUALITY because I’m not stressed about his dad. I don’t think she can hide being miserable and be a great parent for the next decade.

      1. Barring abuse or neglect, shouldn’t the goal be 50/50 though even if it’s not the default in the state? How is it fair for dad’s to get less time if they want 50/50?

        1. Because 50/50 is bad for kids, and most of the time the mom is the better parent.

          1. This is crazy talk. My son was born 3 days after my divorce was finalized from his father. He’s literally been in a 50/50 situation his entire life (well, immediately after the newborn stage). He’s the most adaptable, caring, kind and thoughtful kid you’ll ever meet. 50/50 is not bad for kids. What’s important is growing up around people that love them.

          2. Isn’t it a bit sexist to assume that the mother is the better parent? That’s the reason why women were pushed out of the workforce for years: we’re the ‘better parents’ and therefore, need to be the ones spending more time with our kids. 50/50 parenting hurts the kids, so gotta get Mumsy back at home with the kiddos.

        2. In general I think child psychologists say that for very young kids (mine was 1), one constant caretaker and frequent access to the other parent is ideal. 50/50 may be what the adults want, but it’s not necessarily in young childrens’ interests.

          In my case there was abuse, so it’s irrelevant.

          But here in Texas I do think a lot of good fathers get screwed by the system and pushed in to every other weekend through no fault of their own. A friend of mine went from stay at home dad to every other weekend in a city 3 hours away, which is awful since there was no abuse/neglect/etc.

        3. I, for one, am very glad this 50/50 bunk did not exist when I was growing up with divorced parents in the 80s. Had it been common then, I think my father would have taken it, as he apparently had some (not unreasonable) concerns about leaving us in my mother’s care but did not feel up to fighting the system. I watch kids getting shuttled back and forth now and think how incredibly disruptive that would have been to my life. I would not have been able to participate in a lot of the activities that were my passions as a kid, my social life would have been very negatively impacted, my sister and I would have spent a lot more time together than we wanted to and probably would have had a much worse relationship. I can’t imagine how much less successful I would have been in middle and high school and thus in college. Or I would have just been more bookish, perhaps, but not have flourished. So grateful we just did the every other weekend thing (until he moved and all but abandoned us in my teens — also not ideal).

          1. The parents that I see make 50/50 work have a set schedule and both live in the same town so the kids can still take the bus to school and still do the same activities and have access to the same friends. Arguably, 50/50 actually frees up the kids’ weekends more. If it was “dad” weekend in your every other weekend scenario, you aren’t making plans w/ friends because you are “visiting” dad. If you have two households you spend equal time at, you can make regular plans and not feel like you have to “visit” with either parent.

          2. Yes, this is how it should work, but that scenario was never going to happen in my case and I see it not working for similar reasons in many families. Same town would not have been enough proximity. My father would have never taken me to all the events or social activities or take on babysitting jobs on his nights. Similarly, I see 50/50 dads today who routinely skip birthday parties and sleepovers and school events on their days. The boys make it to baseball games and practices but the girl can’t make it to the pool gathering or ballet class.

          3. @1:05 – Got it. I must be in a lucky state because our court does enforce getting kids to their regular activities. A parent will lose parenting time for consistently skipping such stuff.

        4. In every case I’ve seen, the dads go for 50-50 because they don’t want to pay child support then slowly fade to like every other weekend without having to pay child support. Wanting 50-50 is not always about wanting the time with their kid.

          2. So, this has very much been the experience of my divorced friends. Dad fights tooth and nail for 50-50 custody and drags out the process, costing everyone time, money and emotion. Within a year, Dad has a new girlfriend (who maybe has kids of her own) and is “too busy” to do the 50-50 custody thing. He starts a slow fade where time spent at Dad’s house slips to maybe three days every two weeks, then one weekend a month. One of my friends went back to court two years after her bitter divorce/custody fight and got the custody agreement modified because the dad hadn’t shown up to pick up the kids for nine weekends in a row. He agreed to one weekend a month and alternating holidays with no fight whatsoever and doesn’t even live up to that all the time.

            Maybe just my experience, but I don’t know too many of my friends’ exes who did 50-50 the long haul. At the very least, once the kids get to late middle/early high school they start expressing their own preferences and the physical custody agreement gets thrown out the window, even if they don’t get modified in court. My son’s 15 yo best friend is supposed to spend 50% of his time with his dad. He last saw him in person three months ago. If that gives folks any idea.

            All this to say, I am just not sure how much concern over shared custody should factor in to a divorce decision. Yes, there will be some time away from the kids but over time, probably not half the time, from what I have seen. Parenting is hard and a parent that wasn’t super-involved when the marriage was intact probably isn’t going to become SuperDad after a divorce. Of course, if there are legitimate, serious safety concerns, maybe even 10% of time spent away from Mom is too much.

    7. I have 3 young kids and it would be a good 14 years until my last went off to college. I would (a) recommend individual and couples therapy immediately to understand (B) why your friend is miserable.

      If there is cheating, abuse, that sort of thing my answer is *very* different than if the marriage is fizzled and she is unhappy. Maybe they bicker all the time about money, or childrearing, or maybe she feels “stuck” in the town they settled in. Maybe she has a crush on someone else and sees it as a path to happiness. Who knows. I will say though that having just gone through one of the roughest patches in my marriage and now on the other side (in a pandemic, no less) if it’s “just” garden variety unhappiness and there are a bunch of kids in the mix, I’d recommend trying really hard in counseling.

      If she gets the divorce, will things be easier as a single mom with [n?] kids? I know a couple single moms and they have to beg/borrow/steal for any kind of alone time. For a while, I honestly thought it would be easier to raise my kids as a divorced woman than stay married, but DH and I worked through it and he/[we] did a total 180. It can be done. I never stopped loving DH though, just grew resentful of our arrangement.

      My parents hung on and divorced when my youngest sibling graduated high school. I think they were on the rocks for ~5 years at that point. I was out of college and engaged at the time. When they told us, I told them they should have done it years ago [practically, it made sense to wait as my mom was a SAHM and my dad worked a ton, so they’d basically be living with less money in two households for 4 years]. They are now nearly 15 years divorced. My dad remarried recently to a lovely widow and is very happy. My mom lives by herself and is much happier than if she were still living with my dad.

    8. I agree with OP that modeling an unhealthy relationship really messes kids up, even if unhealthy falls short of abuse. My parents snipe at each other constantly, punctuated with bouts of yelling that end quickly and everyone goes on like nothing happened. Nothing ever gets resolved. They’ve been fighting about the same things my entire life and probably longer. I can’t spend more than one or two nights at a time in that house, I have no idea how I survived it as a kid. No wonder I had so many issues with anxiety, depression, and romantic relationships. Being in that house is like walking through a fog of tension, it’s hard to even breathe in there. They’re both miserable people who don’t know how to love anyone let alone themselves so all they do is pick at each other and me. Maybe if they divorced they would learn how to exist in peace because there wouldn’t be anyone else around to blame for every little thing that goes wrong.

      1. This. If your friend wants her children to have the exact same relationship problems that she and her husband have, then by all means she should stay with her husband.

      2. Yeah, my parents absolutely needed to get married, but my parents did not realize that the problem was them, not their ex, so they each got remarried shortly after the divorce and now I haven’t just seen one bad marriage modeled, I’ve seen three. Of the six kids among them, there are three never-marrieds and three divorces.

    9. Just throwing my two cents in. My parents separated when I was 2 and got back together when I was 10. I remember my mom being stressed and sad, and I remember my Dad being fun but also inconsistent. I don’t remember feeling sad that they weren’t together.
      After they got back together, I got a sibling and there was about 3 years of improvement and I was glad we were all a unit but things then went steadily downhill. Tension in the house. Lots of distance. No respect.
      I wish they had gotten divorced when I was in middle school but things only escalated and by the time they finally did get divorced it had become a scary, unstable, dangerous situation – where they barely spoke to each other in the house and everything felt like a powder keg. My mom accepted a new job out of state (to get financial and physical independence) and my father absolutely used my <8yr minor sibling as a weapon – neglect verging on abuse.
      So I can see two sides to this – yes your kids can tell if you are not happy and they can sense tension. Kids can get a terrible model of what human relationships are supposed to be like. Better to call it asap. On the other hand, I say that only if you can trust the other parent to actually parent. If you can't I think you should wait to leave until the kid is 12+, understands what they need, and can at least somewhat fend for themselves. I would have made different choices in that instance because I saw how much my sibling suffered, and how much of their personality was affected by this circumstance, without a stable caring parent in the home.

  18. I’d like to find a smallish backpack purse that I can take to the park with my kid but also look decent enough to meet up with friends for a drink, ideally in leather. Something like Longchamp La Foulonne backpack but at a much lower cost — ideally under $200, but up to $250 if perfect. I just need to hold a small wallet, phone, and 2 water bottles. Any suggestions?

  19. Happy Monday! I’m planning a trip to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon in late August with my husband. We’re flying in and out of Vegas and driving to the South Rim. I’m looking for a few recommendations: (1) I have one day free for a day trip from Vegas and we’ll have a car – where should we go? Thoughts on Red Rock Canyon? (2) Recommendations for places to stay for 2 days in Vegas and (3) Recommendations for places to stop on our drive from Vegas to the South Rim. Could we fit in Hoover dam on the way? TIA!

    1. You can totally fit in the Hoover Dam. It’s basically on the way and I don’t think you’d do more than traipse around the thing 2-3 hours tops (much shorter if you don’t have lovable infrastructure geeks in your group).

    2. If you are going the north route to the GC (through Utah), you can stop on the way to GC at the Vermillion Cliffs, Lake Powell, Page AZ (which has Horseshoe Canyon and Antelope Canyon, but reservations are needed to see Antelope Canyon). If you go the southern route, there really isn’t much to see at all, other than the Hoover Dam.

      Whatever you decide to do, know it will be HOT in Vegas and the GC and anywhere else you go in that general area. Like over 110 hot.

    3. For a day trip, I’d do Valley of Fire instead – a little further out and totally otherworldly. Much less crowded in my experience.

      For where to stay in Vegas, it really depends on the vibe you want. Some folks love the classic “Vegas elegance” of the Bellagio or Caesar’s, some folks want a glitzy modern suite at the Aria. I’d encourage you to avoid the non-union Venetian and Palazzo, particularly post-pandemic.

  20. I’m looking for a new job, but IT at my current employer wants to replace my laptop. It’s over a year past the end of its warranty. Should I feel guilty about the possibility that I might leave a month or two after they buy me a new laptop? Will they just wipe the hard drive and set it up for the next employee who needs a new computer?

    1. No you should not feel guilty. This is a planned cost of doing business, not a fancy present.

    4. What? Get the laptop! This is a how business works. People quit, equipment gets reassigned. This is not something you should be thinking about at all.

    5. Depending on the size of your company, they will either wipe it and reuse or it’s under lease from HP/Dell/Apple. If it’s under lease, it’s part of the plan to be replaced often. Don’t worry about it! It [likely] won’t cost your employer a dime and you’ll get a new PC for your remaining time.

  21. I was having a fun conversation with a friend this weekend and thought it could make a fun discussion here. The topic was basically what irrational or superstitious behaviors did we inherit from our families and what similar behaviors have we created that we will pass down to the next gen?

    For me, my Dad’s grandmother was very superstitious about things rocking/swinging solo. If you got out of a rocking chair for example, you had to stop it from rocking before you walked away so that it didn’t rock unoccupied. Same with going through a gate. If I’m in the front row at court waiting my turn and someone goes through the gate at the bar and leaves it swinging, I reach over and stop it. One of the bailiff’s commented one day and said “Irish Grandmother?” So, I don’t know if it actually was an Irish thing but he at least recognized it. (And yes, that side of the family was Irish.)

    As for me, if something is going to be hand washed (and not go in the dishwasher) I want it left next to the sink but not IN the sink. Everything that is in the sink goes in the dishwasher. I think sinks are super gross and full of bacteria. I don’t want my hand wash stuff marinating in that, particularly if it is porous like a wooden cutting board or spoon. I’m sure it is totally irrational but I just never feel like I get hand wash stuff clean enough if it has been in the sink w/ all of the other dirty dishes – particularly the raw meat ones. Ew.

    1. I listen to The Stoop podcast and they did an episode about this, looking at some of the superstitions and myths from their families of origins.

    2. This is from my appalachian family: I have to bite my tongue if someone comes through my side door and then leaves through the front. it’s bad luck. I subconsciously keep myself from doing it.

    3. The sink thing is funny! I inherited my mom’s practice of setting dirty dishes to the right of the sink (they get a quick rinse before going in the dishwasher). If left *in* the sink, they interfere with sink usage until that time. If left to the *left* of the sink, they aren’t in the queue for the dishwasher.

    4. Knocking wood is a hotly debated science in my family. I believe in 2 knocks; my sister believes in 3. Whenever I knock wood, she’s got that third knock ready.

      My parents kept batteries in the fridge all my life (I guess there’s some scanty evidence that the cold makes them last longer?). I don’t care about making them last but I loved always knowing right where they are. My husband finds this patently insane.

      1. My dad keeps batteries in the fridge and, until very recently, he kept camera film in there as well.

        My dad also throws spilled salt over his shoulder, and I do too (when my wife isn’t looking). My mother can fold fitted sheets so well I take it as proof we are descended from witches.

        This isn’t a superstition, but I’ve kind of made it one: when we went on road trips growing up my mom would make a show of waving goodbye to one state and hello to the next when we crossed state lines. Now when I’m driving, even by myself, I give a little wave to both states.

          1. Yeah I draw the line at superstitions that require actively soiling the house. I’m not vacuuming up your mess. Learn to cope.

          2. You just throw a pinch of it – ostensibly to keep the devil from getting to you. And I’m usually the one who sweeps and vacuums anyway :)

        2. I try so hard to resist, but every time I spill salt I have to take a small pinch and toss it over my shoulder.

        3. Keeping film in a fridge is not superstitious, it significantly extends the life of unexposed film and helps keep the latent image preserved longer on exposed film if you’re not going to get it developed right away.

        4. I do the state thing. I can’t remember either of my parents doing it, so I guess it started with me. I’m your mom. Hello honey.

    5. Like my dad, I believe overly strongly in zinc ointment’s curable powers. I mean, I think there is a bit of medical truth to it (it’s what is in most diaper rash creams), but we use it for almost anything. Like the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who recommended Windex as cure all.

      1. That is so interesting. So you use like Desitin on various and sundry owies, like a cut or a scraped knee? A zit? A bee sting? Tell me! I want to be like you.

        1. yep! Zit? Put zinc on it. Swollen lymph node? Zinc. Scrape? Cut? Picked your cuticles? Zinc. Sore throat? Zinc lozenge. Randomly: Zinc supplement. I always say it’s my favorite placebo drug.

    6. My mom is super paranoid about driving herself through a car wash and has passed that paranoia on to me. I make DH drive mine through; I actually don’t even like to be a passenger.

      1. Interesting! Was she afraid her car would break down in there? That she’d leave a window open?

      2. I have to do car washes for my husband because the prompts are red and green LED symbols on a screen. Literally unusable for a colorblind person.

    7. Knock wood. If I say something like “business is going really well!” I have to literally knock on something wooden, otherwise my hubris will cause business to suddenly crater.

      I am an extremely analytical, logical person, but I can’t stop this one.

      1. Same plus I lived in Italy for a year and they say “touch iron” so now I have to do both.

    8. I never set a hat on the bed and will move them if someone else does. Got it from my dad, allegedly an Irish superstition that a hat sitting on the bed means a death in the family, since in older times if you called the priest over for last rites, there wasn’t time to take off and hang the hat, so the priest’s hat was usually sitting on the dying person’s bed during the visit.

      1. I won’t put new shoes on a table (even if they are still in the box) for this same reason. It’s a superstition of a family member dying. I most likely got it from seeing Blood Brothers at the theater in London when I visited there as a teen. If you’re familiar with the play, you get me.

    9. I grew up with a superstition around it being unlucky to have peacock feathers in a house. My grandma wouldn’t even put a picture on the wall that had peacock feathers in the picture (and not the actual feathers). No idea where that came from.

  22. People who are back to business formal environments, especially in-person court (other than state limited jurisdiction courts which IME pre-pandemic were “anything goes”), what are women wearing these days? Are sheath dresses with blazers still in, or are we back to 1990s pantsuits? Does a just-above-the-knee hemline read as frumpy?

    1. I work in a federal courthouse that’s just starting to have in-person proceedings in earnest. Women appear to be wearing the exact same things as pre-pandemic, so your dress and jacket will fit in. Just-above-knee dresses and skirts don’t look frumpy.

  23. I’m thinking I should probably make a dermatologist appointment now that most of us are vaccinated, but piggybacking off the recent botox/anti-aging conversations, does anyone have any feedback on what I do? I love hearing what other people do, too. I’m 34, fair, and lean towards dry skin. I’m putting rough prices, too.

    AM:
    -Rinse face with water
    -The Ordinary’s Vitamin C Suspension (30% in silicone) ($6)
    -Weleda Skin Food Light ($10?? you can get it at drugstores)
    -Supergoop’s Zinc Screen, usually ($36 on subscription)
    -Occasionally concealer, mascara, chapstick/lip balm
    -Reapply sunscreen using ULTA’s spray sunscreen, unless I’m spending a lot of time outside, in which case I”ll use my cheap neutrogena zinc product and deal with the grittiness

    PM
    -Squalane or other moisturizing cleanser ($5)
    -once a week, Paula’s choice AHA 8% ($15? lasts forever), if not a hyalruonic acid serum ($6)
    -Strivectin SD anti-wrinkle advanced ($140!!! this is a new addition but I really like it)
    -in winter I might add some cheap oil on my lips and dry spots. I think I’m using a free sample of an argan oil right now.

      1. I should have clarified: i should probably see a dermatologist because I had a pre-cancerous growth removed and should generally be checking in with one. I’ve not been great with that. But if I go, I’d probably ask for input on my skincare routine.

        1. If you like your skincare routine and are seeing the results you want, a derm probably won’t have any suggestions. They probably will have sunscreen recs and other things to prevent more pre-cancerous growths.
          When I go to my derm (for acne), they have me describe my skincare routine and any updates since my last appointment, ask if I need a prescription cream refill, do the extractions/peel and I’m on my way.

          1. Same. Dermatologists are not aestheticians. Mine is pretty frank about the fact that for big changes you need a prescription, laser, or needles (or a combo of all of that). And lets be honest – the ‘facials’ that all the celebrities talk about often use lasers as a matter of course, it’s not like serums alone do all the heavy lifting.

        2. My lovely dermatologist has flat out admitted that I seem to know more about skincare than he does. His advice on a suggested routine is to use a gentle wash, light moisturizer, sunscreen and then add in actives for your concern (acne/anti-aging) which he will either prescribe or sell (skinceuticals or topical retin-a, etc.). Same thing in PM sans sunscreen. For serious dark spots/deep lines/loss of firmness you’re looking at acceptance or needles/lasers.
          Shereene Idriss (pillowtalk derm) is one of a relatively few dermatologists who seems to be into skincare BUT is not just hawking a $$$ line she developed herself. Couldn’t hurt to follow her IG or look into her site.

        3. The dermatologists I’ve seen often carry product lines like Obagi. Some of their products have prescription-strength ingredients.

    2. Good on you for being proactive. I have to go in annually for a check myself as I have many moles and a familial risk. One thing on my list is to spend an hour and have my husband take well lit shots of my skin to better monitor changes in the future. I have a hard time checking my back, and he’s not that observant. Past dermatologists have taken their own photos, but I’ve also had a hard time getting those pictures in the medical record when changing offices.

      If you can get good lighting and a decent camera, I see a long term benefit. For me, having pictures has allowed monitoring versus removal/more scars :(

  24. I ordered something on an auction s*te (ShopGoodwill). The FedEx tracking claims it arrived, but it didn’t (I was home that day and nothing showed up). I told the seller and they shrugged and said file a claim with FedEx. I don’t see how to do so…can I just dispute the charge with my credit card? I guess I’m lucky but this has not happened to me before.

    1. Have you called them? They may have marked it as delivered early but will deliver it today.

      1. I’ve had this happen too. I wonder if they have to hit x% delivered on time for their job, so they fudge the numbers a bit. If it doesn’t show today I’d take it up with FedEx first.

    2. How long has it been? It’s fairly common that things get delivered to the wrong address but eventually show up, so I’d at least give it a couple days before disputing the charge with your credit card, especially if the problem is clearly with shipping. As for FedEx, I googled FedEx claim, and a link came up right away- presumably this is what you should do, rather than blame the seller?

        1. If it was FedEx Smartpost, then it can sometimes say ‘delivered’ when it gets handed over to your PO for final delivery. It’s a significantly cheaper service than regular FedEx but takes [much] longer in some cases. If your TN is 20 digits, try adding a 92 to the beginning of that number and tracking it on the USPS website.

    4. This happens to me all the time. FedEx marks something as delivered then it actually shows up 3-5 days later.

    5. You have to go through the seller. The receiver generally can’t file the claim. Goodwill has to do it.

  25. Tell me about your favorite international trips with kids – places, ages, activities. My babe is only a few months old so we’re not planning anything soon, but I’d love something to daydream about!

    1. I basically backpacked around northern Europe with my then 17 month old. I actually highly recommend that age because they can walk but you can also put them in a carrier. I was not interested in traveling with a stroller.

      Scandinavia is great in the summer because the weather is mild, and EVERYTHING is kid-friendly. Germany is less kid-friendly, in my experience, but still easy enough to travel around with trains, etc. We didn’t have any real activities at that age, we did a lot of walking around historical towns, “hiking” in trails, seeing friends. I don’t think 1 year olds remember activities, but mine was happy enough to let me carry him around museums, etc.

  26. My friend’s horse had to be euthanized this weekend. I sent flowers. Any horse people here? Is there anything else I should do? She’s a very dear friend, but we don’t live close. Thanks.

    2. When our dog was put to sleep last year, a friend sent us all the pictures she had of him, taken over many years. It was very sweet and wonderful to see new-to-us pictures of our boy.

    3. I would appreciate a card, flowers or other heartfelt expression of sentiment – honestly just a sincere message acknowledging the loss would mean a lot. Otherwise, agree with the donation to local horse rescue or charity.

    4. You are a kind friend. I don’t think there is anything else you should do, but there are many things you could do if you are so inclined!

      If you are able to get a picture of the horse, have a piece of art commissioned (that makes it sound expensive but it doesn’t have to be). There are apps that turn pics into watercolors on the inexpensive end and there are things like my absolutely fave pet portrait artist Lisa Whitehouse at http://www.whitehouseart.ca.

      Horse charities can be dicey – there are only certain ones that I would want money going to, so while obviously, your heart is in the right place, if you don’t know where your friend stands it could make her uncomfortable (although I am sure she would never say anything). Similarly, if there is an org you know she supports where you could adopt a rescue horse for a year or whatever in her horse’s name, that would be nice.

  27. I’ve decided to get a card case to carry my ID, a few credit cards and a couple of $20 bills rather than a full fledged wallet for day-to-day business. Does anyone have one they like or would recommend?

    1. I bought something from Hershel earlier this year but I don’t see it anymore. Search for their Orion wallet, looks about the same size.

    2. I’ve been carrying a card case for years (I’m also one of the “no purses at work” people from last week, though I almost always carry a purse on weekends/running errands).

      I have a basic one from Amazon that I love. Was like $15. Black textured fake leather. If it ever bites the dust, I’ll probably splurge on a Cuyana one.

    4. I have one from Leatherology that I got as a grad gift years ago. It’s meant for business cards but fits my ID, credit cards, and a couple bills of cash folded up.

    5. I started carrying a stick-on phone wallet. It holds four ID/cards and a $20. If I get a bunch of change, it does get a little stretched, but honestly I rarely pay with cash anymore, the $20 is just there for peace of mind.

      After thinking about how men always have their IDs and cards on them, and women almost never do, I switched to this method. I make sure to always have my phone with me, so I’m never without an ID. Feels so much safer than leaving a purse in my desk at work, or at the table at a party, or whatever.

  28. Opinions please! I’m going to a fancy schmancy Indian/Western blended wedding over the course of a few days on the East Coast. I have nothing appropriate, so I’m looking to use Rent the Runway. I’m thinking about having RtR ship my items directly to the hotel where I’ll be staying instead of shipping them to my house and then having to try and fly with the items. Is this a terrible idea?

    1. My issue with RTR is fit, so if you always fit into things perfectly or are basically a model, it’s probably fine. Personally when throwing in travel and supply chain issues with the pandemic, and fit, I’d buy something ahead of time.

    2. The one time I did RTR my dress did not arrive. I was picking it up in their store in NYC and was able to choose a backup, but it was a mess that involved hours of waiting. I would do a trial rental before the wedding with the exact dress you plan to use to make sure it fits (unless you have a plan B in your closet you can bring), and then I would still have them ship to your home and bring it with.

    4. I’ve had a lot of things shipped to hotels (mostly Marriotts) with success, but I’d probably make sure to take a backup option. Also, check the hotel – some charge a fee. This is common in places like NYC.

    5. I’ve done this and it worked out great, but you can certainly experience the pitfalls already mentioned . . .

  29. Are bangs back? I feel so out of touch. I need to do something different with my long, straight hair but I can’t figure out what.

    1. I have no idea if bangs are “back” but every time I’ve had bangs, I’ve regretted it. They take so long to grow back out!!

      1. This. I have a standing rule with my hair stylist and husband to tell me “no” every time I think about bangs.

      2. Ha! My 7 year old last week said about her 13 year old cousin getting bangs – “she sure is going to regret that. Everyone regrets bangs.”

    2. Same problem here with my post-quarantine hair…ready for a change, but no bangs for me (too much maintenance). Would love ideas, otherwise I’ll settle for a trim…

      1. I was in this same position. I just chopped off my hair into a blunt bob that falls somewhere between my chin and my shoulders. After several years of hair down to my shoulder blades, it feels amazing and was just the change I was looking for.

        I will never cut bangs again.

    3. I think so? I posted ten days or so that I’d just had a BIG cut including bangs and I was struggling to get used to it. Went from well past shoulder length hair to a choppy Bob with bangs (if you Google ‘Felicity Jones side swept fringe hair’, that’s what I showed my stylist as a reference) and I am loving it.
      Hair grows out if you don’t like it – it has the lowest risk of all appearance changes, to my mind.

    4. I’ve had bangs my whole life. Every time I grow them out I regret it.

      My hairdresser said it’s because of the shape of my face. My forehead is narrower than my cheeks so bangs balance everything.

      During periods when bangs haven’t been popular, I’ve worn them swept to the side, but they’re still there, widening my forehead.

      1. Yeah, I think you are either a bangs person or not. OP, if you are not a bangs person, proceed with caution.

    5. Bangs are just too high maintenance, I either dry my hair to straw with daily washings or get a forehead covered with zits.

    6. I got bangs about six months ago and I loooove them, no regrets here. I felt like my pre-bangs hairstyle was frumpy and outmoded, but I have fine hair that doesn’t grow very long and a round face so feel like my style options are limited. My stylist gave me these really cool bangs that look good no matter how they’re styled. Plus, any time I feel insecure about my forehead wrinkles I just comb my bangs over them and problem is solved, no Botox required. I’m never growing them out.

    7. Ha. I just grew mine out during the pandemic. I have had bangs all my life. I’m going to try living without them for a couple of years and then decide. I’m never in style, so they probably are on their way back in.

  30. I tried a center part this weekend. OMG so tragic. I would have needed some gel to coax a cowlick into being flat. And the “down” side of the cowlick was too flat. And it made my face look too long / too thin. Not sure a salon / blowout bar could do it better (could they???).

    And yet I see women rocking the Jenny-from-Love-Story hair and it is so perfect and pretty (on them, I need to remember, on them; I am Lauren Bacall with my side part or that’s what I’m shooting for).

    1. I know it’s hard, but it is ok to just wear you hair the way you like that you think looks nice

      1. Hahaha yes to this. This also goes for what to wear. If you like the way you look in skinny jeans, you can still wear them even if teenagers think they are lame.

    2. My stylist can blow out my hair in a way that makes the cowlick behave, but at home I’m always happier with a slight side part. Just off-center works better.

  31. Thoughts – do you say anything, if so, what? Do you just stay out of it and make sure you never visit at the same time.

    Sister (age 45) is being so affirmatively mean to our parents (mid 70s) and in talking about our parents that it’s bothering me. Don’t get me wrong — they’re act like elderly people — anxious, need something to worry about all the time, no real interests or hobbies besides TV and talking to their relatives overseas every day, they’re old fashioned Asians so cooking/cleaning etc. comes first for daughters and neither me nor my sisters do that well enough; they’re immigrants who never really “mentally” moved here from Asia IYKWIM, their lives are still there but they’d never dream of moving back because my sister and I are here. And yet I know they love us more than anyone on this earth so for me, I’m able to overlook a lot of stuff and just be grateful for the time together. Like for all their faults, I still hate leaving their home after a visit.

    My sister OTOH — IDK but under their pressure stayed with them and worked from their home for MONTHS during the pandemic (I did too but then I don’t hate them – our bickering lasts 2 min and is about minor things like leaving water on the sink or noooo don’t load the dishwasher like that). Initially she took it on as her project to “fix” my dad’s anxiety. Uh someone who has had anxiety for decades, who can’t/won’t take meds, and can’t/won’t do other things like exercise etc. isn’t going to be fixed by his know it all daughter yelling at him. When that effort failed, it’s just been about being MEAN to them — to their face and in conversation about them — dad controls mom; mom has no life why didn’t she make some friends; mom is obsessed with her sisters and our cousins but hates us (uh leave me out of it); they made awful life choices and can live with them; she won’t do anything for them as they age so good luck to me I guess handling it alone. Dad just sits there and takes it and gets more depressed. Mom talks back and is good at holding grudges and drudging up the past because she’s hurt so she’ll yell back about — you can’t even cook yourself a meal; you wouldn’t have your career if we didn’t “let you” go to NYC after college (Asian family – lots of things involved “permission” back in your 20s) blah blah; will compare how our cousins don’t talk to their elders like my sister (which is true but for some reason really burns my sister bc see mom likes cousins “better”).

    I’m just blown away by how mean everyone is being!? Sister definitely has issues though IDK what – anger? depression? this is how she deals with parents aging? I have no idea, nor do I really care. What do I do here? Stay out of it? Say something? I’ve already decided I’m not visiting again while she’s visiting except I guess for the next holidays — but if she’s going to be there, I’m not. But TBH I AM stressed myself because reality is she is 100% proving that she won’t be there for my parents — or she’ll come scream and leave — so me having to deal with them aging alone is stressing me out. Yet my parents aren’t people I can talk to about that — they’re in denial of their own aging and are always like, it’s fine, we don’t need anything, you can go live your life; but reality is IF they need something, the expectation will be on me alone. Thoughts?

    1. “I’m just blown away by how mean everyone is being!?”

      You’re in the thick of it too, slinging around insults about your parents and sister. Try therapy.

    2. Stay out of it/stay away when they are together. Continue to have YOUR relationship with your parents. Frankly depending on how big holidays are for your family, I may even think of going away on vacation during the holiday and promising to visit your parents before/after by yourself — depending on what the pandemic is doing by holiday season of course.

    4. Oof. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would be stressed about it too. My in-laws are much the same way. On the face of it, I don’t think there’s much to be gained from talking with your parents, but have you discussed this with your sister? Maybe not “dude, why are you so mean to mom and dad?” but more like “hey, the pandemic has me thinking about elder-care plans for our parents–where are you on this right now?”

    5. Random WASP here, but with slightly-difficult parents and SUPER-difficult in-laws. Talk therapy has really helped me with similar issues. It’s really helped me decide what I will do, and what I will NOT do with family. One thing that is tremendously hard for me to accept is that even when they are making bad decisions, senior citizens are adults who get to make bad decisions. And with three out of four of them, they won’t move or downsize or change anything until there is a medical emergency that leaves them unable to care for themselves.

    6. Have you talked to your sister? Is she like this with other people or just your parents. If just your parents, I might tape her interactions with them and give them to her. Ask her to listen to them when she is by herself and not stressed about anything. Maybe she doesn’t realize how mean she is.

      I think you have some responsibility at act — because it sounds like vulnerable people are being verbally abused.

    7. I think your sister is the problem here, not your parents. She is being rude and mean (to what end? why? is this a reflection of her mood during the pandemic?). She needs to cool down.
      Do what is needed to support yourself. Don’t go over when your sister is there. Try to limit talk about your sister with your parents.
      Don’t borrow trouble about what will happen to your parents later on, etc. Is there a concrete point to anything your sister is saying that is actionable now? For example is she saying they should save more, make a will, plan their healthcare better? If yes, help your parents plan that now to ease your workload later.
      If she is just ranting, let her cool down and ignore for now.

  32. favorite travel-sized refillable containers? cleaning out my drawer of expired travel-sized / TSA approved items that were prepackaged and starting over.

    1. I like Go Toob best if I have to buy some containers. The trick is labeling them because even though you think you will remember what’s in them, you won’t.

      My first favorite is sample or mini sizes of products with their original labeling and packaging, and I prefer to just refill these if possible. Don’t throw them out!!

      1. +1 on the labels. Signed, I mixed up gel with shampoo and had to start over on a work trip.
        I just use the cheap travel tubes from Target, never had a blowout.

    2. For things you don’t need much of, or short trips, contact lens cases are great. I think I got that tip from someone who used to post here, Road Warriorette.

    4. Buy the first travel sizes of the product you want and them reuse those containers. No mixing up the product and since just you are using the, it doesn’t really matter if the shampoo in the bottle isn’t the same as what is says on the label when you refill it.

  33. Ok this is kind of a weird question but I’ve been having a lot of really scary dreams lately. The content of each dream had been different (and some would make very good action or suspense movies IMO) but I always wake up totally petrified and that full body feeling of fear takes a while to subside and it’s quite unpleasant. I have not noticed any correlation between these dreams and what I’ve watched on tv or read before bed. Is there any way I can get my brain to stop terrifying me??

    1. Are you taking melatonin (or anything else that is different)? I have very weird dreams when I take it.

      1. I am not! And no other medication changes. I did take melatonin regularly for a while a few years ago and weirdly always had dreams about public transportation.

        1. Melatonin induced transport dreams sound amazing. Perhaps more helpful to your current situation, even darker YA (looking at you, Twilight) gives me nightmares if I’m already stressed.

    2. Stress dreams. I wake up with my legs fully numb from the fear response sometimes.

      I don’t have these freaks when I’m on top of my business and getting at least moderate exercise. Break your to-do list into small tasks and just do some of them, cross them off, and have a plan as to which you will do tomorrow. Then you will be able to sleep more soundly. It sounds too easy but it totally works.

    3. How often do they occur? How long has it been going on? I started getting nightmares while pregnant, and I now often get them while I ovulate. Something with the hormones I guess?

  34. Does Bumble or any other GPS based dating app ever get the location really, really wrong? Or somehow be hacked? Here’s the situation. I’ve been dating a man for about 6 weeks, seeing each other 1-3 times a week, usually twice. Two weekends ago, I was with a friend and showed his profile to her as I was talking about him. I pulled it up and noticed it said he was across the country! I had seen him the day before, and he didn’t mention a cross country trip. I texted with him throughout the weekend. He did say he went on an overnight trip to a city 3 hours away, which I thought was a bit weird he didn’t bring up when I saw him on Thurs. I took a screenshot of the location and showed it to him last week on our next in-person date. He told me that it must be wrong and hacked somehow, that due to his job, he can’t get on a plane or go to another state that isn’t adjacent to ours. I wanted to believe him, but I don’t see how someone can hack an app. You don’t log into it; it’s linked to your phone. Thoughts?

      2. ha- that is exactly where my thoughts went, too.

        That sounds like a “caught in a lie terrible coverup story” to me…

        1. Medical professionals in some locations still have travel restrictions because of the pandemic. My friend is an NP and isn’t allowed to leave the tri-state area or take public transport.

    2. If he’s using a VPN service, then it can change/mask/alter the location. Like my work laptop uses one and routinely thinks I’m in Texas or Mass or GA, even though I’m not.

      1. +1
        This is very common – I have no specific experience with Bumble but I know that VPNs will often mask your location generally.

    3. Half the time, my computer thinks I am in a city five hours away from where I am and four hours from company HQ.

    4. If he accessed it using a VPN then he could definitely show up as being somewhere he’s not – I get weather defaults for various locations all over the company when I check the weather at work. It wouldn’t be because he was hacked.
      His thing about work not allowing him to fly or go to another state could be plausible if he was on call (??)

      1. That’s good to know! He didn’t mention a VPN. I’ll ask him when we next talk about this. You can get a VPN on your phone? I’m not tech savvy.

        1. When I use my work mobile phone it automatically connects to a VPN. Could apply to his personal device also if he’s install MDM software from his work. If he was on a corporate network (or maybe like a hotel network or restaurant or whatever) it’s also plausible he could show upas being elsewhere.

          1. I second this – don’t bring it up again. Or risk him being put off if you do. This sounds like a minor thing with many other ezplanations and unless there is a lot more going on than you let on, keeping this up sounds extremely petty amd mistrustful and controlling.

        3. I have no idea on whether the Bumble location can be glitchy (I would assume that it can, just because I assume any technology can be glitchy). If you get the sense that he’s lying to you, then there’s a good chance he either is lying to you OR you’re just not going to be able to trust him in general for some reason.

          I personally would be really weirded out if someone I was dating kept bringing this up. When I was on the apps, everyone assumed everyone else was dating other people and I didn’t really ask too many questions about where they were going/what they were doing when they weren’t with me (I never had the guys asking me questions, either). He shouldn’t lie to you if asked a direct question, so that could be an issue, but at such early stage, I’d just assume I couldn’t trust him for whatever reason and move along if I was thinking about this so much that I wanted to bring it up multiple times.

        4. If you need to have multiple conversations with him about this, just break it off already because you don’t trust him.

    5. OP here- he is a doctor. He said there’s many restrictions on travel out of his hospital. He told me a coworker had to jump through a lot of red tape to attend a family member’s funeral that involved flying. So that seems plausible. However, it’s really the only part of the story that is plausible to me.

      3. Have you just googled him? I can think of lots of innocuous explanations. Most people have an online presence these days, so you can see if it looks like he’s established in your city or not.

    6. In his shoes I’d be sketched out that my date confronted me about something on my dating profile. Bumble’s tracking isn’t particularly accurate ime. I live about 5 miles from a state border and it always says I’m in the other state when I’m home. One or two guys questioned me about it like they thought I was lying about my whereabouts and it really turned me off.

      1. I can understand why you’d be turned off in that situation. In this case, it’s on the opposite coast. Feels different to me.

        1. I hear you, but at the same time, if we’re still on the app then we’re not serious enough that I owe you an explanation of my whereabouts. I think it’s weird to press this issue.

          Caveat that idk how or if Covid impacts this. If he/I weren’t vaccinated, were hooking up, and he lied to me about being on a plane, I’d be super mad and would not see him again. I’m assuming he and OP are vaccinated though.

      2. I would also be super sketched out by this. Also the fact of the matter is OP doesn’t believe him. Why continue to pursue a relationship with someone you clearly don’t trust?

    7. From a very quick google search, it looks like it is not impossible but not necessarily easy to change your location on bumble.

      1. Yeah you can change your location, it’s not that hard. Maybe he’s planning a trip and is looking for a hookup for when he’s in town.

    8. This sounds fishy. If he really thinks his phone has been hacked, shouldn’t he be worried? “Oh, no problem, my phone must have been hacked” = he’s up to something.

      1. OP here- yes, agreed. He has the paid version of Bumble, and were I in his shoes, I’d be contacting my CC company to see if someone had stolen my card.

        1. I would probably say “that’s weird,” and then I would shrug and never think about it again. I would not want to date someone who obsessed over something like this. If you don’t trust him, break up with him. I’m guessing if you keep asking about this, you’re not going to have to worry about it much longer.

          1. +1,000 you are weirdly obsessed with this. My laptop says I am in Chicago when I am on the east coast because of a VPN (and yes, I have a VPN on both my personal and work phones). Either end it with him because you don’t trust him or never ask him about this again.

    9. So you think he is secretly traveling across the country and lying about it? If after knowing him for 6 weeks you can believe that about him, you should probably break up.

      1. I agree. My bumble occasionally does not update locations. For example, I was in savannah, miami and nyc. In all locations i swiped, the previous location showed up (even after opening and closing the app). I was all of those places, but the timing was off.

    10. Idk, but my phone constantly thinks I’m in a different state and that state has changed. I live in the Midwest, but if I search on my phone for “‘x’ near me” it used to believe I was in Kansas and now it thinks I’m in Colorado. I’m not in either of those states. So maybe it has something to do with his cell phone and/or phone carrier?

      1. Also Midwest, and prior to the pandemic, most of my geography-based phone ads were for things in Colorado. I assumed it was somehow bleeding info from my CO-native office neighbor’s online activity. I don’t really know if that is possible, though. She would frequently tell me about stores she shops from out there and would plan vacations and travel back to visit her family, and then I would get ads for those stores or for hotels in her hometown.

    11. Every store website, on my phone and my computer thinks I’m in Dallas when I’m checking stock of store for local pickup. I’m not even in the state of Texas. No idea why it does this. But agree that if you think he’s taking secret cross-country trips and lying about it, just break-up. It’s so bizarre that I would be totally weirded out if you brought this up again.

    12. One of the perks of paid versions of some dating apps is the ability to turn off “only people close by” and actually choose where you want your matches to be situated.

      I love this feature, because it’s possible to meet people places where I travel to often, getting to know people before I actually go there. (Yes, particularly nice for a hook-up!)

      I would be super-weirded out by a prospective date keeping tabs of my location (so creepy!), but yeah, the reason why the loaction changes would be because I’m keeping my options open and am happy to have an ONS when I travel somewhere.

  35. So IDK if such a product exists but given the diverse interests on this board I hope someone can help — is there any kind of furniture varnish or paint on the market (ideally easy to find like at Home Depot or a major paint store like Sherwin) that has NO fumes or odor?

    Wanting to buy a small dresser for extra storage. While I’m usually a furniture snob who likes custom made American furniture (spoiled by my days in North Carolina furniture country), this is literally a dresser for extra linens which will sit inside a closet, so I’m leaning towards just getting something that I can just assemble and being donw with it in one long weekend rather than ordering something that’ll arrive in months. The one I can find that I like is unfinished wood meant for you to paint/stain yourself or you can use it unfinished. Problem is I live in a high rise apartment – no yard, garage or balcony where I could undertake such a task – and because it’s a high floor apt the windows only open a few inches. All I have is a sun room off the living room, so I could put a dresser in there, close the glass doors that separate the sun room from the living room, paint it while wearing a mask, and leave it there with a fan running and both windows open. But I still don’t want to risk introducing a product in my small apartment that’ll have fumes etc. Does any such thing exist?

    1. Both Benjamin Moore and Sherwin Williams have zero VOC paint lines, although I’ve never used them and can’t vouch for their quality or if they have zero fumes.

    2. Walnut oil might work. It won’t be the most impervious thing, but it sounds like that doesn’t matter here.

    3. I’d just leave it unfinished? And put paper in the drawers so it doesn’t snag anything. My childhood furniture was like that as my parents were too busy to do it, and it was fine.

    5. I would use a water-based poly in your sunroom . The other option is oiling. I would honestly just look for something else though, it seems like a pain.

    6. I don’t know the answer here, but if you just don’t want to use it unfinished because it could be rough or something, maybe consider lining the drawers or even decorating the whole thing with contact paper or temporary wallpaper. It could be super cute.

    7. I’ve done Annie Sloan chalk paint both times indoors without windows open. It does have a slight odor, but nothing overpowering and I certainly didn’t use a mask. Be sure to order the wax and watch a few videos on how to apply it.

    8. If it’s for linens inside of a closet…why don’t you just get plastic bin drawers from Walmart or Ikea?

    9. When we gutted and remodeled our house in 2008 we used a few different brands of low VOC paint. I am sensitive to smells and also didn’t want the extra VOCs that come with regular paint. I was very happy with everything we used. I got advice from the people at the paint stored and used high quality paint.

  36. What’s your favorite hotel in Boston? We are taking a last minute trip Memorial Day weekend for our anniversary. We are driving so we will have a car w/ us. No kids. Looking for fun/romantic and less corporate. I have a couple in mind but I’d love to hear personal experiences. We have no set plans while we are there. We are going to walk around and go out to eat.

      1. The Liberty used to be a prison, some of the rooms are actually former cells, and the room decor reminded me of a creepy “escape room.” I had to check out and switch to a different hotel.

        1. OP here – I’d love to get a drink there but I don’t think we will stay there for that reason. Too close to our actual jobs!

    3. So caveat that I lived in Boston and never stayed at this hotel personally. However, if you like to be a bit out of the fray, quiet, with great water views, check out Battery Wharf hotel. Walking distance to all the North End and downtown stuff but super quiet and high end at the same time.

  37. I received the Cuyana crossbody bag you all helped me pick, and it is beautiful, but sadly I’m sending it back. It’s a hair too short to be a cross body bag. The bag part hits at my waist, which is a weird length. On the model it looks lower, but she’s smaller than me (I’m 5’11” and cusp sized.) So the search continues!

    It really is a beautiful bag if anyone is searching for a shoulder bag (the double loop bag in olive)

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