Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Puff-Sleeve Split-Neck Blouse

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A woman wearing an ecru split-neck top and blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love the style of this puff-sleeve blouse from Old Navy. The split-neck is super flattering, and the slightly puffed sleeves give it a little visual interest without being overwhelming. The ecru color is beautiful for winter and would look perfect tucked into your favorite pair of trousers. (Note that it's also available in navy.)

The top is $39.99 full price at Old Navy — with 35% taken off at checkout — and comes in regular sizes XS–XXL and tall sizes XS–XXL. The navy also has a few sizes in stock in petites.

Sales of note for 1/31/25:

  • Ann Taylor – Suiting Event – 30% off suiting + 30% off tops
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20 off your $100+ purchase
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter layers
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off sweaters and pants
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – End of season clearance, extra 70% off markdown tops + extra 60% off all other markdowns

446 Comments

  1. I’m tempted on this shirt, but I have so many split neck blouses like this in my wardrobe that they’ve become identified among my friends as my “trademark” wardrobe item. :-D

    1. Ha — I am Maximum Turtleneck. Unless I die in the summer, I fully expected to be buried in a chunky black turtleneck sweater (but not in an Elizabeth Holmes sort of way).

    2. I am Team Split Neck now after years of being a poor performer on Team Gaping Buttons.

    3. Me as well. More so in warm weather though. I have been collecting a Roller Rabbit tops in this style every spring and another one later on sale, and they’re my summer uniform with white cotton pants or with jeans.

  2. Is it possible for ear plugs to filter out snoring and also have me able to hear my alarm go off (or be aware of any emergency situation I might need to wake up for)? I am increasingly unable to sleep through snoring (a problem at home and also if any men come along on our camping group, which is often just women). Camping, especially, is horrid if I don’t sleep but I also, as a safety matter, don’t want to not hear what is going on in my surroundings. I’d sleep sans ear plugs and only use if/when needed. At home, husband is a snorer and the issue is that it’s next to my head (but not always, most days are fine). At camp, >1 guy (and sometimes women) will snore at different pitches and tempos and I feel like unlike the spouse situation, I can’t wake them and demand that they flip over onto their sides.

    1. I use the Mack’s silicone ear plugs, and they filter out snoring but I can still hear my alarm. Sometimes I put one only in the ear facing up, so I can still hear but it blocks out snoring. I break the silicone in half and put half in each ear. Love them!

    2. We recently bought Loop ear plugs for my son, who has sensory processing disorder, to use at school when the classroom is loud. He has the “engage” ones that supposedly filter 16 db of sound, which allow you to hear a conversation (or a teacher teaching) but filter out some background noise. They also have ear plugs that filter out 18 db and 27 db.

      1. how old is he? I’ve wanted to try for my 8yo but wasn’t sure if he would wear them, and they’re expensive to lose.

    3. Smart watches and fitness trackers have a vibration alarm, I would try that.

      These devices also can alert you when you receive calls/texts. I have 3 numbers on my phone that will ring even when it’s on do not disturb and so they’d also vibrate my Garmin overnight.

    4. I’ve never missed an alarm because I was wearing earplugs. They’re just not that good at blocking out sounds, plus they always seem to fall out halfway through the night. I also second the suggestion for a vibration alarm, I use the one on my fitbit. I’d be a little more hesitant to use them while camping, though- I hear you on wanting to be aware of what’s going on outside my tent!

    5. I wear earplugs every night to bed and I still hear my alarm. I changed my alarm tone to a kind of nuclear level alert siren and it scares me awake!

    6. Maybe ask an ENT? They DO make specialized ear plugs for specific bands of sound (bands? pitches? wavelengths? whatever). So, for example, concert violinists can be on stage and hear the music they need to accompany but still protect their hearing from the overall din. You might also want to look at Loop earplugs — or they still make headband earphones; you could put that on and listen to white nose.

    7. I have found my husband’s snoring intolerable the last few months and I’ve been using sleep headphones (it’s a soft headband) and a noise canceling app, which has been doing the trick! Found it way better than ear plugs, which hurt my ears and were hard to sleep in. I found the headphones and app off of the wirecutter (of course!).

      1. Can you share exactly what app you use? If it works, I will be so grateful. My husband snores and ear plugs aren’t enough to prevent him from waking me up over and over.

    8. I’ve been having trouble with the furnace waking me at night. Do you think earplugs or similar would help with that?

    9. I sleep on my side with one earplug in – the ear that is pointing upward. No earplug in the downward-facing ear. I can still hear loud noises (like the kind I’d need to be aware of) and my alarms in the morning.

      One tip – I started out using the spongy earplugs and I got a rash inside my ear canal (very itchy and annoying and it took awhile to clear up). I switched to the Mack’s silicone earplugs someone else mentioned; no more problems.

    10. I wear silicone ear plugs at night because my husband snores. I can still hear the alarm. To me, wearing ear plugs is similar to hearing sounds when swimming underwater. You can still hear them, but they are muted and muffled.

    11. Just came to say the my C-pap has saved my life and my husband’s sleep. Get evaluated if you snore, ladies!

  3. My kid is getting shifted to a high school that has sports after school. Her current school has no sports, but at times she has done Girls on the Run (but many years, there have been no coaches, so no running club). She is excited about this, but I’m not a runner (so I don’t get whether a running kid runs cross country, then winter track, then spring track, or just one or just the two tracks but not XC (or vice versa)). She wants to practice running and I don’t want her to acquire any bad habits. Is there a good “intro to running” resource that may help her learn more about running and track (and I know not all track events are running)? She’ll be a freshman in the fall, so I think it’s good for her to do some work now and not just walk in cold to this. [A lot of feeder middle schools do have sports including track, but IDK that she’s at a big disadvantage since many were dormant until this year with COVID for kids her age.] I hate that youth sports are so competitive, but running wouldn’t be a bad lifetime habit to acquire.

    1. How exciting! It is so fun to be part of a team, and I found my high school XC team to be one of the most accepting places (as a bottom-to-middle of the pack runner on a good day, ha). I made lots of good friends there. Honestly, I would not worry about getting ready. There will be lots of kids starting XC or track as a new sport or switching from a different sport. At least where I am, there’s not the same emphasis on starting young in running as there is in many other sports. She should just start running, maybe by doing a couch-to-5k program if she wants, or just by listening to her body. Get fitted for shoes at a reputable running store and maybe have them do a gait analysis if you are really worried? Run by increasing lengths of time, not distance. I think the main concern would be starting off too fast/hard and getting injured. And maybe doing a general conditioning program offered by the park district or Y or something would be good, just to get a balanced workout? I know my area has something like that specifically for teens to prepare for sports (or just as an option for those who don’t participate in team sports). Oh! And contact the school to make sure you are on the list for any announcements about summer workouts. My team met up casually (no coaches) to run sometimes, led by the captains, and then we had day time practices in the two weeks leading up to the start of school (this was also true when I played high school soccer). I hope she has a ton of fun!

    2. At my very competitive sports high school, cross country and track were among the most inclusive sports. I’m sure it had something to do with the excellent coaches, but there were multiple levels of training groups and at the end of the day everyone gets to run their own race. I loved how egalitarian they were- there is no fighting for playing time (maybe there are travel teams but everyone got to run, jump or throw in home meets).

      1. Yes- this was my experience too. Everyone cheers each other on because you are really just competing against yourself.

      2. My school had a decent cross-country program, and they were a super close-knit and supportive group no matter your ability.

    3. A couch-to-5k app will work well for what you’re after. Alternately, check with your local running club. Many offer a beginning runners group.

    4. In high school most kids who run do cross-country and both track seasons, even the sprinters and middle-distance kids.

      If she is interested in pole vault you can find pole vault clubs with classes, sometimes associated with a gymnastics club. For the other jumps she can learn at school. Runners generally don’t do the throwing events.

    5. At least at my high school the track/XC teams had some very fast girls who were very serious about it and into running (many of whom ran in college), some kids who played other sports and used track/XC to stay in shape (that was me), and then a bunch of kids who weren’t all that athletic or interested in sports but did it because there were no cuts. So, I think coming in without any experience won’t be a huge detriment. Also, while middle schools have XC and track teams, it’s not a competitive youth club sport the way many others are. So, I wouldn’t worry about the competitive youth sport culture here!

      Does she know what track events she may be interested in? IME, long and mid distance runners ran all 3 seasons while sprinters, throwers, and field events ran in winter and spring. I’d recommend she try all 3 seasons her freshman year, as XC and track are quite different. It’ll let her get a taste for the options.

      If she’s going to try XC in the fall, she should be able to at the very least run a 5k (3.1 miles) non stop, but should really be able to run 5 or 6 miles. She could start with a Couch to 5k program.

      Many, many runners don’t ever receive actual coaching on form (not sure if that’s what you meant with ‘bad habits’?), so I wouldn’t worry about that. If she runs on her own from now until pre-season, she should be fine and then her XC coach can work with her on form, building up training.

    6. Couch to 5k is what I recommend to anyone getting started with running. Not sure what you mean by bad habits.

    7. I grew up in a snowy part of the country, where most runners ran cross country in the fall, cross country skied in the winter, and ran track in the spring. Some people dropped one of those sports for soccer or swimming or something else. I’m assuming you’re talking about distance running, since you mention cross country. Generally distance runners don’t compete in field events, though I know a few people who did, just for fun.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about running habits, just that she can run at least 5 or 6 miles before practice starts in the fall, so it would be good to start gradually building up to that this spring. If there are any local running groups for kids her age, see if you can hook her up with one, but otherwise running on her own is fine. You can find ton of plans for building up mileage online, or the coach might have one for new runners to try over the summer.

    8. “I don’t want her to acquire any bad habits.”

      Just let her run, see if she likes it, and leave the coaching to the coach. Get her fitted for a good pair of shoes and make sure she has the right clothes, but other than that this should be pretty low/no pressure as far as I’m concerned.

      1. +1

        Don’t put any pressure on her to be a competitive level athlete before she’s even joined the team.

        1. Thanks for this and all of the suggestions above. She has ADHD and has said that she misses running when it’s not offered because it helps her get the zoomies out and relaxes her. So I want to support her in this as best as I can. I think she just wants to participate again (and not get cut on the first day, if that is a thing, IDK) and I want that for her. She isn’t even envisioning competitive athletics b/c Girls on the Run is just about participation and developing yourself.

          1. I’m all over this thread, but as a fellow ADHD-er, I applaud her for recognizing the importance of exercise to her mental health so early in life (I too get the zoomies!) – and you for supporting her.

            Anecdata again, but no one got cut from my schools team. There were rankings for whether you ran varsity or JV, and only so many peoples time counted for the team score, but honestly I don’t remember any limits on the number of runners in most in-season meets. And anyone could practice, even kids who couldn’t run without stopping. I hope her school is the same.

          2. yeah, on the anecdata side, my high school had one guaranteed no-cut sport per season and it was XC in fall and track in spring (and swimming in winter). I think basically individual sports are easier to accommodate a variable number of kids, and it’s not so important to calibrate the kids’ skill levels. Might be worth checking if the same is true at your daughter’s school, if not making the team/not getting to participate at all is a big worry for her.

    9. I raised 2 xc/track kids, and my oldest ran D1 xc/track. I would take her to a decent local running store to get her fitted properly for shoes and then let her run. My kids both ran XC and then the 800 in indoor track (winter) and the mile in outdoor track (spring). That was a pretty typical progression. My oldest ended up running the steeple once she got in college and ran the 5000 meter as well. In our school, the tryouts for XC was that you could run a mile on the first day, and then they took from there. I’d help her find some decent routes, so that there are hills and flats, and she’s safe.
      There are tons of kids that play one sport in the fall and then run track in the spring, or play a spring sport and run XC for fitness in the fall. I don’t think she’ll be a disadvantage at all. My oldest had played youth soccer, and wanted to play high school soccer, and ended up running XC when they got cut from the soccer team. It paid for college and they ended up with lifelong friends from the experience so it was a win/win.

    10. Everyone’s mentioned good shoes, which I definitely agree with. Also make sure she has a good sports bra!

    11. 1. Gear. Get her fitted for proper shoes (I showed up to XC in cross trainers…) at a running store. Get her a good sports bra, as mentioned above. Find some shirts that she likes that don’t chafe and technical fabric t-shirts.

      2. Sign her up for some local races this summer – parkruns, 3ks, 5ks – and have her use a beginning running plan to build up to running 3-4 miles.

      3. Do kids these days use Garmins? You can find a cheap running watch that will help her understand her paces, heart rate, splits (is she running consistent paces or is she fading in the second half?), etc.

      4. Form and fuel. You talked about bad habits and the other commenters are being unfair when say that isn’t a thing. The two things that destroy young runners are bad form and improper fueling (ie not eating enough or eating bad food). A lot of young women end up not eating enough because, to a certain extent, lighter -> faster. It they push that to an unhealthy extreme and end up with permanent problems. I love Shalane Flanagan’s cookbook, Rise and Run, which talks a lot about stretching, cross training, fueling for runs, and all that. Obviously the marathon training plans are beyond what is needed for your daughter.

      Form: so many things can go wrong – asymmetry, overstriding, overpronating, knees that fall out or collapse inwards. Take some videos of her running. Look at the soles of her shoes after she’s out about 50 miles on them. Have her work on breathing. Cross training helps develop the core strength necessary for good form.

        1. I would not expose a teenager to the Shalane Flanagan cookbooks because they are full of photos and Shalane is not an example of how a healthy teenaged runner should aspire to look.

      1. FYI – if she has a small ribcage and large cup, a running shop may not be the best place to get a good sports bra. You may need to order a few online or go to a bra shop.

      2. “Find some shirts that she likes that don’t chafe and technical fabric t-shirts.”

        Ack that should be “find some shorts that she likes that don’t chafe….”

    12. High school XC races are 5K, so she at least needs to be able to run that far without walking at the beginning of the season. A walk-run program will get her there and now is a good time to start. She also needs to acclimate herself to running outdoors at the end of the summer.

      Have her fitted for running shoes at a specialty running store. They will also try to sell you arch support insoles but they may or may not actually be necessary. My daughter hates them but my high arches require them or my feet hurt.

    13. they only “bad” habit I can think of is heel striking, but that was actually pretty easy for me to change in my 20s. I’m not even sure heel striking is that bad; I read about it in Born to Run which might just be bro-science.

      running is a great hobby. it kept me reasonably fit during the first year of grad school when I was too poor for a gym. as I’ve gotten older I tend to prioritize strength training, but I occasionally come back to it.

      1. I agree that (as a casual runner) form isn’t too worrisome. Most people are able to get into a groove that works for them (and all bodies are different). The only time
        I got hurt running was when I tried to “fix” my stride and ended up hurting my knee. Also, she will have a coach before she’s running too much (assuming you’re aiming for a 5k or so this summer), so they will help her tweak her form.
        I do recommend reading about breathing while running. I was stuck at shorter distances until I learned to breathe better. Once I learned, it was like magic!

    14. Our local running store gives a discount to high school team runners — worth asking about!

  4. I am sort of surprised that the Supreme Court uses e-mail to circulate drafts and that the Dobbs leaker was not found. I had thought that it might be a law clerk (or By/GF or roommate) who did not like the decision and wanted to inflame people enough that it might be more muted in final form, but I guess we’ll never know. I wonder, though, if people have a sense of who it is but no smoking gun. And I’m surprised that lawyers (or people who are lawyer-adjacent) could pull this off — everyone watched Jason Bourne, but nobody is really Jason Bourne.

    1. I mean people also print things and forget about them? I know we all live in a digital world but I need more than my two hands to count the number of resumes I’ve seen of colleagues left on printers over the years. I’d hope that the people working at the Supreme Court are less careless but people are also humans and make mistakes sometimes.

      I would not be surprised if the leaker found a copy on a printer and passed it along. Like someone printed a copy and went to pick it up but their phone rang and then they forgot about the printed copy. Someone else came to pick something up from the printer, saw the copy and seized the opportunity to pass along a copy that couldn’t be traced back to them

      1. This. It was not leaked via email. I think there is tech that allows firms to keep track of what is printed and downloaded though.

    2. If I had to guess, Clarence leaked to Ginny who leaked to the press, in order to lock the rest of the conservative justices into their vote as they know Roberts is less of a zealot than they are. They are 100% corrupt, as we also know from her text messages with Mark Meadows et al.

      1. What? The consensus is that the draft was leaked to change the outcome – and that a liberal clerk likely did it.

        1. No that’s not the consensus at all and I don’t see how liberals benefited from the leak.

        2. I see two possibilities, one the Alito/Thomas leak ahead of time to lock Kavanaugh and/or Roberts into the vote.

          The other is that liberals (not necessarily judges) leaked it to get the backlash out before the November midterms, to bring out liberal voters. This would be an effort to keep the Senate Democrat-controlled (which happened and worked) and to blunt Republican’s victories in the House. The Roe reversal did have a positive impact on the midterms in that way.

    3. I will always assume it was a conservative clerk or justice who didn’t want any of the justices to change their position. It would be a stupid thing for a liberal to do, because no justice was going to change their views after the leak. The last thing they want is for people to believe that public opinion impacted the outcome

      1. It would be such a stupid thing for anyone to do, really. And if searching people’s phones didn’t turn up anything (for me, I know one journalist and one blogger, but no one at Politico would be in my contacts), I think that many people have second phones and no one asked for that. I know one attorney who has standard interrogatories of “Send me your books and records. Send me your second and any other sets of books and records.” He deals with a certain type of clients in very contentious mattes and know how people who aren’t angels work. I think maybe the investigators here were a bit not really looking to find anyone to be responsible.

        1. What actual obligation would they have to turn that information over though? I thought it was an internal investigation not a criminal probe?

          1. I recall reading that a lot of people lawyered up and quickly and if you were asked and didn’t hand over a second phone, I think you’d take a big reputational hit even if it weren’t legally required. It might draw attention you woudn’t want, especially if you weren’t the leaker, just standing on principal.

          2. So according to Sarah Isgur on the Advisory Opinions podcast, clerks/staff/etc. would not have had a legal obligation to cooperate with the investigation but if they lied to the investigators, that would violate a federal statue that governs inquiries of this type. So they could decline to answer questions, which would have reputational impact but would not create legal liability, but if they did answer questions and failed to do so honestly, that would expose them to liability.

        2. If I were to do this, I would scan a printed copy on a public machine (like at a busy staples, pay cash), save to a thumb drive, then go to a library or other public computer in a different, busy location, create a burner email address, email the scanned copy, and never log in again. I would do any research to find the email address ahead of time on an separate computer. I would wear completely different style nondescript clothes while doing each of these things, pay cash, and use public transit (and pay cash for that too).

    4. I don’t believe that they don’t know who did it. I assume it must have been one of the justices, if it were a clerk they would’ve been thrown under the bus in a hot second. I bet we’ll get an “it was me nyah nyah” in their memoir to be released after their death.

      Even the most basic document management system tracks when documents are opened by whom and when they are printed. I assume everyone is printing hard copies, making changes, and circulating revised versions. I also assume the leaker was not dumb enough to email or download it to a flash drive – both of which are super easy to trace – and instead handed over a hard copy. It would’ve been very simple to narrow down who printed that particular version, and then interview those people. If they “can’t” figure out whodunnit then it’s because they find it unseemly to interrogate people who are working at this level of the profession. If this were a corporate espionage issue, the entire team – at least everyone who printed that version – would be fired unless the culprit confessed. Totally ridiculous that government secrets are treated with less security than run of the mill businesses.

      1. I mean there are a lot of assumptions here. It’s not like the reporters turned over the exact document that they received so you can’t exactly prove which version was leaked, especially if there were relatively minor changes between drafts. The leaker may have been smart enough to share multiple printed versions to make it even harder to track. You can track who printed something but not who picked up the printed copy. Even if you could, there may have been a hundred copies of the particular draft printed.

        It also could have been someone who printed a copy and carelessly left it somewhere. And someone found it and sent it to reporters. I’ve often joked that you could probably make a killing just listening in on peoples conversations on public transit that people in finance take.

    5. I can think of a half dozen ways that someone could leak a draft opinion and leave no traces – beginning with the fact that people print them out. Honestly, someone could have just used their phone to take photos of their screen. The Supreme Court is not dealing with classified information; this is not a SCIF we are talking about.

      Add to that that the clerks united in their refusal to hand over their phones (and could not be required to provide them without probable cause). Whoever made the call probably did not do it from their own cell phones anyway. (I would have acquired a burner in their place.)

      These are not stupid people. While I tend to agree that it was most likely a supporter of the decision, it sounds like we will never know unless whoever did it writes a memoir 50 years from now.

    1. Buying things is not going to solve your problems, make you a better person, or make you feel better. Doing things might make you feel better (depending on the things).

      1. Ugh, I wish I could internalize this advice! I am a magpie and have a hard time resisting new treasures, even though I know the temporary joy of acquisition is not worth the dent in my bank account.

      2. This makes sense to me if it’s something like a dopamine rush purchase. I was thinking this when all the exercise equipment went on sale for the new year (I don’t need new exercise equipment; I need to put on my shoes and go outside! If I really need something, I’ll know after a few weeks of consistent exercise, right?).

        At the same time, I’m currently really frustrated with myself for not having any furniture appropriate for clothes storage (moved away from a place with huge closets and built-in drawers to a place with neither). I’m so sick of living out of suitcases and laundry baskets in my own home. So in this situation I feel that buying something is the thing I need to do.

        1. I think another way of looking at this is need vs. want. Sounds like you have a genuine need here! I don’t think that’s the type of purchase 9:00 is talking about.

        2. This an interesting distinction. I agree with Anon Elder Millenial overall. But I also do think that if something “frivolous” like nicer workout clothes (or the coffee that got me out of the house this morning) would make you do it, thats worth it too. And then of course buy the clothes storage, that actually will improve your life.

          1. I’m the OP and I agree — the distinction I’m making is less about buying things and more about expecting those things to change your psychological state.

            Anon at 9:27 should definite get some clothes storage! But buying an infinite variety of clothes storage devices, boxes, hangers, etc, like I did in my 20s, did not make me more organized because I still dumped everything on the chair in my bedroom. I was still the same messy person with the same messy habits, just with more boxes.

        1. IDK but the fact that it still exists means that we need to send out periodic reminders. G-d bless dive bars!

          1. It’s probably insecure people trying to look cool, people who are very very wealthy, or celebrities/models getting bottle service for free.

        2. Ehhhhh, disagree. It’s the only way I’ve ever enjoyed clubbing in Vegas for bachelorette parties. You get your own space, easy drinks, no lines. Yeah, it’s expensive if you’re just considering it the cost of drinks but it’s more akin to paying for a cabana at a fancy pool – you’re getting service and a great place to hang out.

          1. There’s no service really — they expect you to make your own vodka cranberry, which isn’t even that hard, but you won’t get a great craft c*cktail. Plus, a scantily-clad young woman working for tips, which is who seems to get the bottle service jobs, isn’t likely to spend a lot of time fussing over me and my girlfriends. My friend group did get brought over to a bottle service table of guys, like were were just another menu item. No thanks.

            [I get it like you are paying for a table and chairs, and chairs are golden, so the cabana rental analogy makes the best sense. But I also hate being out where people cannot make up their minds or all want different things and it’s like we get one bottle of vodka, NO MORE, and only that. Ugh.]

          2. Well okay “service” as in you don’t have to fight through crowds to get to the bar.

          3. I rent a cabana at pools, but not like the poster is referring to, I think. I’m about two shades lighter than Casper the Friendly Ghost and I’ve learned the hard way not to ruin my rare vacations with a sunburn the first day.

          4. Probably the same cabanas – if I’m with friends, the bigger ones. With my husband the kind that have lounging for two. The Vegas thing is just to make those activities tolerable. I’m much more a lounge on the beach type but I hate burning and like a little extra!

          5. Yea, same. Not a club person but the few times I had bottle service it was waaaay more tolerable than normal. I also don’t see it differently than paying for a pool cabana or paying for TSA Precheck to skip the security lines at the airprt. You’re paying for faster, better service, not the drinks.

    2. Get your personal life together! That mess spills over into the professional sphere, anf there can be long term consequences. (Ask me how I know.)

      1. I still remember a grad school professor who said “how you do something is how you do everything”. Basically, if you were doing sloppy work in class, then you’re probably doing sloppy work at your job!

        1. Well, this is just stupid. I’m into certain things, and I apply myself. I’m not into other things I have to do, and I do them efficiently and adequately, but not with the care I do with the things I love. I mean, who has the motivation to do dishes with the same love that they do in sewing their daughter’s baby quilt?!

          1. Agree. I’ve had to work HARD to erase that all-or-nothing mentality that I grew up with and carried into my early 30s.

          2. +1 I used to think this way but learning that good enough is good enough for some things really freed up space, time and mental energy to devote to the things that really really matter.

        2. Flip this around on a man though. Many men kill it at their jobs, and are lackluster at home. Disproves the point.

      1. Disagree. Sometimes you want to sleep with someone just for fun. I would say stop sleeping with dudes who you deeply care about when it is not reciprocated.

        1. Agree. I’ve had to work HARD to erase that all-or-nothing mentality that I grew up with and carried into my early 30s.

        2. This, s3x can be a lot of fun and I fully endorse having a lot of it before you settle down.

        3. Hard agree. I find this one of life’s great pleasures. Not every encounter has to be meaningful or devastating But YMMV if you can’t separate the two.

        4. I was raised Catholic and sex was bad/scary. I struggled with that even after I got married! If I could go back I’d have way more sex, just for fun.

      2. Agreed. For everyone on the internet that sings the praises of casual s*x, I only know one woman in real life who had a lot of it and feels good about it. My other friends who had or have a lot of casual s*x have often expressed feeling like they were doing it out of obligation – because it was table stakes in post-college dating, basically – or because they hoped it would lead to something more (with the attendant hurt and disappointment if it did not). Obviously experiences vary widely on this, but the women I know who had a small number of s*xual partners and only in the context of relationships are very happy with their choices.

        1. I’ve heard this a lot from men I know (after a few drinks anyway) too. I think a lot of people feel generally pressured or obliged and am not surprised they have regrets if that’s how they were feeling!

        2. You ever think that maybe the women you choose to hang out with are all similar to you in many ways and that’s why you think your experience is universal? Obviously there are lots of women posting here who DO enjoy casual sex.

          1. I never said my experience was universal, if you re-read the comment. I said that my experience differs from what seems to be the experience that the other posters here are sharing. Frankly, I commented because the responsive comments were all the same and I felt like it was important to share so that it didn’t seem like there was only one viewpoint expressed. Sorry that you seem to feel so attacked by a different perspective.

    3. I have two that are somewhat contradictory but both are essential-

      1. Assume good intentions
      2. When people show you who they are, believe them.

      1. I actually think these 2 go very well together! Start out assuming the best of someone, but if they show you otherwise, take that information seriously. It means you approach everyone in good faith, but you don’t ignore bad behavior if it happens.

      2. Yes! It should really be “PRESUME good intentions, but the presumption is rebuttable.”

      1. +1 million
        Also, if he doesn’t see the problem you have already lost the battle. Now you’re just wasting time until the problem gets so severe that his life, and your life, become completely miserable. Better to bail out than hang in waiting for some miracle that will make him see he needs help.

      2. Same for mental illness. It may make no sense at all to you, but sometimes a person is more attached to remaining untreated and low-functioning, than to having a relationship.

        1. It’s even sadder than that…. with severe mental illness (like a lot of the schizophrenia / bipolar patients), the illness makes you think that you are not even sick. It makes it pretty hard to adhere to any treatment if you are suspicious / paranoid and everyone is trying to get you to take this “pill”… and then everything will be “fine”. And the pill actually makes you feel relatively terrible, or gives you diabetes, or gives you a movement disorder or other side effects.

          Sometimes things in life aren’t anyone’s fault…..

          Life is unfair.
          So many of us are so so lucky and we don’t even realize it.

          1. Totally. Reading the book “Healing” by Thomas Insel made me think in a less cut-and-dried way about the severity of mental health disorders–namely, the same people who could have benefited from treatment early on, start having the experience you describe when the disorder goes untreated for too long. (The lack of treatment may not be at all their fault, of course.) At that point, treatment is a lot harder if not impossible. I work with severely mentally ill patients and this holds up in my experience.

    4. I kind of hate that this is true, but: who you marry is one of your best predictors of career success. My husband is as capable as I am in all house and kid-related matters, so I’ve never had to ‘step back,’ turn down travel opportunities, or I assume that I alone would be in charge of daycare pickups.

      1. I agree and would go even further beyond career. My husband does so much that it frees me in ways big and small. Really hit home when I had cancer and could feel safe and focus on whatever I needed without worry about anything day to day.

      2. +1 the research for women that want a career is pretty clear. Marry a super supportive spouse or don’t get married.

        1. +1

          The research actually shows the same for men!

          A famous scientist that we all respect in my field was asked some questions about why there aren’t many women at his high level of success. His response? “Well, to reach this level, it really helps to have a Wife….” I was at the same time – furious! – and in agreement.

          1. That’s a terrible answer!!! There are so many things that hold women in science back besides not having a “wife” at home. If the lack of a “wife” were the main problem, single, childless and lesbian women would be achieve success on par with men and that’s obviously not the case. I agree your partner matters to your career success but that answer from an esteemed male figure – who has almost certainly contributed to the system that holds women back – would have me seeing red. It’s completely inappropriate.

          2. Anon… I feel your frustration… but I think you missed the point I was making. Read exactly what he said.

            And of course this was an old school white privileged male.
            Of course this was just the first (careless…) thing he said, and much more was discussed
            Of course there are tons of reasons
            Of course this made me furious too….

            But he was actually right! And actually admitted it!

            Of course a traditional “wife” at home, the norm of his generation, is a HUGE HUGE HUGE advantage for anyone’s career. You have to remember what he was saying…. He had a supportive spouse at home, since he started his training as a grad student. A woman who moved to anywhere he got a job, and devoted her life to his/their “success”. She cooked all the meals, cleaned the house, gave birth to the kids and did all of their care. She probably paid all the bills, managed all the home repairs, and did all the shopping and home design. She took care of her husband. She loved him. He loved her.

            When I thought about it, I laughed to myself…. he’s totally right! The successful men of his generation ALL had wives like this!

            We women will NEVER have “wives” like this. Never.

            I definitely need a “Wife”! Don’t you? I’m sure my career would amazing!! Doesn’t mean I’ll get one tho…

          3. It’s true. I know men with SAH spouses who have the spouse take the dog to the vet, stay at home with the kids when the kids are sick or there’s a snow day, do all of the stuff that require mental energy (schedule the plow guy, get quotes for the roof), and their spouses can focus 100% on their jobs.

          4. It sucks that this is the case, but people in power admitting that they got there with significant privilege (such as a supportive spouse), is an important step. If we could acknowledge this reality more widely, then we could mayyybe let go of the idea that it’s all a meritocracy (at which point you need to consciously choose to uphold this system or change it, so I understand why many resist that first realization).

          5. There are numerous studies on exercise not being effective for weight loss. But by all means keep playing into the rude stereotype that fat people are only fat because they don’t exercise. You are the one pushing faux science suggesting that all someone needs to do to lose weight is exercise.

            I am in the best shape of my life. I lift the heavy weights at the gym, have an excellent VO2 max according to my doctor and am at the lower end of normal weight. But thanks for suggesting I’m just an out of shape overweight person. Your attitude is exactly the one I was trying to argue against.

    5. All the productivity hacks and fancy planners with color coding aren’t going to magically change your life. At some point, you need to get off your a$$ and actually do the things on your to-do list.

        1. Same. My happy place is somewhere like Office Max crossed with my Lilly Pulitzer 18-month giant planner. OTOH, I am a Virgo, so this all makes sense. I do use the things and organizing is my love language.

        2. Me too. New office supplies give me pure joy. Admin says I’m weird. I say I find joy in small things.like lined post it notes in bright colors.

          1. Orange and blue were our wedding colors, so I like to have orange and blue post-it notes around :)

    6. Your vision for your boyfriend is clearly not his vision for himself. All the ‘potential’ you see is just what you would do if you were in his shoes. And yes, continuing to date lackluster dudes does make me question your judgement.

    7. Stop going on diets. You’ll waste 25 years of your life feeling bad about yourself and your weight won’t change. Start loving yourself instead.

    8. Just try the ADHD meds. If you hate them, you can quit taking them! If they work fabulously, you’ll know what it feels like to have focus and emotional regulation, so you’ll know if you’re doing just fine without them or not.

      1. This also works for depression and anxiety. The meds are a tool. If the tool doesn’t work for you, then you can stop using it and use a different one.

        1. I’m not as sure about this. Some psych meds are riskier to try (SSRIs can cause suicidality in people who never experienced it previously, for example) and much harder to quit (even in research, it can become unclear whether someone even still has anxiety and depression or whether they just keep experiencing discontinuation syndrome from quitting previous SSRIs, and benzos can be hard to quit in the first place). I would at least want to make very, very sure that symptoms are actually primary depression and anxiety and not something like an undiagnosed autoimmune condition before going down this road.

          But Wellbutrin or buspar or something like that (easy to try, easy to quit), sure.

          1. I think what we are discovering, as more and more genetic/biology/neuroscience is understood, is that many of us are set at different set points and likely do need medication long term, or at least recurrently with the risk of relapse. It is true with many, many chronic diseases, so it is not surprising that it would be true for brain disorders. What’s nice is that there are so many additional things that can be done that can affect and benefit mood/anxiety, but it is still hard to fight genetics, particularly in the setting of uncontrollable environmental stressors.

      1. You also shouldn’t get your hair short! (I could have used this advice a couple months ago.)

        1. Hard disagree. My short hair was flattering and attention-grabbing and well-received by romantic and professional suitors alike.

          1. Seriously, I’ve never had so many hair compliments as I did about 4 months out from chemo.

          2. Seconding Curious. When I grew my hair out from chemo my husband liked it better and I was regularly stopped by strangers on the street complimenting my curly pixie. Now I have shoulder length hair again and the compliments have stopped.

      2. I really needed to hear this about bangs today. I have long hair with ringlet curls (in my mid 30s….) and I love the look of bangs but have tried them many times and they just do not work.

      3. Sorry, disagree. I cut bangs about two years ago and I love them, it’s been a completely positive change for me. However, it was not an impulse decision and I worked with my stylist to come up with the right style of bangs for my face shape and hair type.

        1. I’ve had bangs for life. Every time I grow them out I hate it and my various hairdressers agree. They suit my face, which is a narrow forehead and wide cheeks (diamond shape)

    9. I’m not in the business of policing people’s diets but I would love to advise my coworkers that a diet consisting of only energy drinks and mountain dew to drink and only fast food and instant ramen to eat is probably not a good idea

    10. Almost everything you are doing to try to lose weight isn’t working.

      Exercise because it has amazing health benefits but it’s not going to move the scale and if you are exercising with the hopes of losing weight, you’re going to get frustrated and give up.

      Diets (in the traditional sense) really don’t work. Figure out some nutritious foods you enjoy and focus on adding those to your diet instead of punishing yourself with nonsense diet foods.

      You aren’t going to hate yourself into a smaller body.

      Take care of your nutrition and move more because there are massive benefits to your physical and mental well-being. Using the scale or pants size or similar things as motivation to eat better and move more isn’t going to get you a smaller body and will likely end with you giving up.

      Take care of yourself for yourself not because some magazine told you than an airbrushed size zero model is a body type you should aspire to.

      1. This would be great advice except you’re wrong. Exercise absolutely does help with weight loss. Full stop.

        The problem people have is they don’t understand how much and how long they need to exercise to lose weight. If you run or speed walk about 36 miles, you will have burned about 3,600 calories (one pound). Speed walk is the key – you need to hit about 4 mph to see these benefits. Walk about 2 mph and the calorie burn per mile is minimal.

        So do the math: walk ten miles a week (5 x 2 miles or 3 x about 3 miles) for six months and you will in fact be down 5-7 pounds. Throw in some strength training and you will lose more fat – muscle gain helps keep your body burning more energy.

        People fail because they expect to have lost like 25 pounds by that time and wrongly conclude that exercise doesn’t help with weight loss. They think that further exercise should result in women being a size 2, not understanding that for many women, consistent exercise is the difference between being a size 8 and a size 16.

        Tl;dr Exercise works, just not by the unrealistic standards many people hold.

        1. I have added 10+ miles/week of walking to my life the last year or so, and have not lost a pound. Weight loss really does require diet changes for some people, and it’s disingenuous to say otherwise. Hormones, metabolism, etc. are all factors.

          1. In 2014/15 I lost 85 lbs by adding a 4 mile walk to each day. I’ve kept off 80 of them by walking 30 miles a week. It took me about 16 months to lose all of the weight. My eating, based on the Fitbit tracker, did not change in terms of calories in.

          2. 10 miles a week is such negligible calories that you’d really have to track your calories closely to ensure you eat the same amount you were eating before (if you want to lose weight)

          3. Petty fast for walking, 15 minute miles or so. Not sure about heart rate.

            I was responding to someone who said adding 10 miles a week would result in 5-7 pound weight loss in six months, so whether or not that amount of walking is “negligible” isn’t really the issue.

        2. Yeah this comment is pretty consistent with my point. If you are exercising to lose weight, you are going to quit before you see results because it takes forever to lose weight exercising. Not to mention exercise makes a lot of people hungrier so they end up eating back more than they burned. Exercise is not super effective for weight loss in literally any study I’ve seen. It is a very good predictor of maintaining weight loss though!

          It’s much easier to not eat 500 extra calories than burn 500 calories.

          1. What? If you aren’t eating an “extra 500 calories,” it can be incredibly miserable to try to cut that out, and can even be counterproductive.

            Exercise does work. You know this. You just want to say it doesn’t because it doesn’t work the way you want it to.

          2. I don’t know why you are digging in on this point. I am perfectly happy with my weight and actually lost and have kept off 40 plus pounds a few years back. I exercise several days a week. I’m not knocking exercise!

            But please point me to any study that shows exercise is an effective weight loss tool. It’s not. My trainer who makes money by getting people to exercise tells me and other clients this. Exercise is wonderful for a bunch of reasons but it is not a particularly effective weight loss tool unless you are talking about someone who literally did no physical activity picking some up.

            If you object to 500 calories than use any other example. Cutting out a handful of nuts is about 200 calories. It’s far easier for most people to cut that out than burn an extra 200 calories a day by exercising.

          3. LOL. Go watch a marathon and compare the people there with the average population, then tell me exercise doesn’t matter.

          4. Huh? Marathoners aren’t people who are running to lose weight. What on earth are you talking about? Please share even one study showing that exercise is effective for weight loss. It is not. It’s still really good for you and you should do it anyways.

          5. I never said that marathoners donut to lose weight. You’re deliberately obtuse. Enough faux science bs. Sorry you’re out of shape.

          6. Wow that’s rude. I’m in great shape but ok.

            It’s not faux science. Do a search for on studies on the effects of weight loss and exercise. There’s a great article from vox a few years ago that summaries over 60 studies finding that exercise is not particularly effective for weight loss.

        3. You’ll never really exercise your way into weight loss because the calories for your workout need to deduct the calories you would spend just being alive. Most people easily out-eat those calories. For instance, if you burn 100 cal a mile, but you would’ve burned 70 just breathing, it’s really only a credit of 30 calories you get towards weight loss.

        1. What part are you objecting to?

          I have multiple friends who are constantly on diets and it’s really frustrating to see what it does to them psychologically. Diet culture sucks. And doesn’t work

          1. You literally just said that it’s easier to cut out 500 calories or 200 calories….

          2. Yeah. When arguing with someone trying to say that exercise is effective for weight loss. It’s not.

            My initial post was about focusing on cultivating heathy habits rather than being so focused on weight or body size.

          3. “Yeah. When arguing with someone trying to say that exercise is effective for weight loss. It’s not.”

            So you were lying then?

        2. No I wasn’t lying. I was illustrating that exercising to create a calorie deficit it challenging. Cutting calories is easier. That doesn’t mean I recommend going on a diet as a way to cut calories and lose weight.

    11. Dave Ramsey is an awful person and his advice is outdated and wrong. Don’t listen to him. There are better, more up to date, finance gurus out there who aren’t jerks.

      1. Dave Ramsey is a terrible human being. His company is blatantly discriminatory towards women, and basically anyone who isn’t a fundamentalist man. Even if he had The One True Answer To All Your Woes That Actually Worked, he should still not be supported.

    12. Secrecy, strategic management of information, gossip, and playing staff off of each other are why everyone quits. Not disloyalty or personal failings on the part of the employee.

    13. You actually don’t need a credit card to build good credit or to be a functional adult. If you cannot handle debt responsibly, don’t buy into this lie.

      1. Ummm. So I posted here a while ago when DH and I were trying to buy a house but he had no credit. Like he wasn’t scoreable, which I didn’t even know was a thing. He had bought into the narrative that you’re talking about – don’t get a credit card because you’ll ruin yourself, all debt is bad! The whole idea of building your credit is to show you can be responsible with debt. If you can’t do that then take baby steps and get super low limit cards like just a gas card. But we need to stop telling kids that all credit is bad.

        1. I think the poster above was saying “If you cannot handle debt responsibly….”, don’t use credit cards. Considering how many people carry credit card debit, this is good advice.

          My brother was like your husband, and for political/ethical reasons refused to have a credit card for decades. I tried to explain to him for years how he could “use them” to just get money back/points etc.. But he held off, and his politics weren’t wrong. He actually bought condos without difficulty, working through credit unions and never had problems.

          If you marry someone with no credit, you just add them as a secondary on one of your credit cards. Easy/painless.

          But then he discovered Costco, and once he was a convert (just for the gas/contact lenses alone!), he happily got the Costco credit card for the discounts and cash back. And it is still the only card he has.

        2. I wrote that comment and it’s just not true that you cannot get a mortgage without a credit record. Neither my spouse nor I had a credit record at all when we got married and we managed to get a mortgage for our house. We worked with a local nonprofit geared towards people with poor credit and had to fill out some extra paperwork to prequalify, but it wasn’t hard to do. We even had a decent interest rate for that point in time.

          But the poster above is correct, I mean that if you can’t handle credit cards without getting yourself in over your head, then don’t keep going. Just stop. That is a black hole that is not going to fix itself.

    14. You should not buy the single family home. Do you actually want it or did American society convince you it’s an achievement you feel compelled to tick off your list? You are likely to hate homeownership.

      1. I really want a single family home after nearly 40 years of hearing neighbors doing God knows what (aerobics? moving furniture? Having s3x?) at 3 AM, not to mention neighbors’ dogs barking and working up my own dog.

        1. No shade on the person you’re responding to but buying a house was one of the best financial decisions we ever made. Probably the best. And I love homeownership.

        2. I hate to break it to you but neighbor issues still often exist (and are sometimes worse!) if you own a home! Unless you’re going to buy a home that has a ton of property you will likely still hear neighbors (although significantly better than in an apartment!). I’ve found the dog problem weirdly more problematic in a house than in an apartment. I think because people think If their dog is on their property they have no obligation to anyone else

          1. People always say this but it’s kind of disingenuous. Yes there will still be noise from outside, like barking dogs and sirens and planes and leaf blowers and the list goes on. I also dealt with those things to some extent in apartments and townhouses before I got a SFH. What I DON’T have to deal with anymore is the much more intrusive-feeling thumps and bumps and noise coming from shared walls and floors and ceilings. Like when you can *feel* not just hear your neighbor who’s a heavy walker, or their dog jumping off the bed at 5 am, or the cabinets slamming, or people cheering and stomping when a sports scores a score. It’s jarring in a way that outside noise just isn’t.

      2. Millions and millions of people would disagree. I know plenty of people who moved from their city apartment to a SFH thinking they would eventually move back to an apartment. And they realized they love the SFH and don’t miss apartment living whatsoever.

        1. This is fair. I really meant the second part. I think home ownership is wonderful for many people but I know many people who seem to hate it and my sense is most of them bought a house because it felt like something they should do rather than something they actually considered and decided they wanted.

          1. I think it’s a grass is always greener thing. There’s a lot more maintenance and hassle that comes with caring for a property. Griping about house projects is like the #2 conversation topic behind sports among most of the men I know. It’s enough to make you nostalgic for simpler days of renting a tiny apartment. But as much as people complain, they take pride in it too, and I don’t think most would actually switch given the chance.

        2. Yeah when I got divorced I thought I was done with SFHs and then it turned out I really didn’t like apartment living and couldn’t wait to have a house again.

      3. +1. I own a small SFH because it’s the only real option for ownership in my city. Townhouses are crowded in student areas and the few condos are mainly owned by seasonal lobbyists, not permanent residents. The follow-on effects are too much sprawl to make public transportation not suck, too many cars, and separation of places people live from where they work and where they shop. I hate it, but it was the post-war vision and now very few people know any differently or think that a different/better way might be possible.

      4. Haha no. My home has earned more money than I have. It’s part of my retirement plan. I have known too many long term renters, even in so called rent controlled buildings, that have been completely screwed over by landlords.

    15. Don’t be the person who decides you aren’t qualified for/capable of something you want. Go for it and make someone else be the gatekeeper. This applies to both professional and personal lives.

      1. Thank you for this one, Anonymous at 11:00 am. This is really helpful for me.

    16. Stop fighting with other women at work. It just feeds into stereotypes about women being catty and holds us all back.

    17. Random assortment of Monday takes:

      Do not fight the texture of your hair. Heat styling is time-consuming and damaging. Get a haircut and products that work with your texture, not against it.

      Many of your colleagues and managers actually don’t prioritize doing the best work. It’s more about paths of least resistance and who is most agreeable. You can argue for higher quality work approaches, and nobody will say you’re wrong, but you won’t get anywhere either. Save your efforts for a work situation in which you can actually prioritize quality of work.

      Good, respectful, caring straight men do exist. But if you keep paying attention to jerks, those are the men who are going to populate your life. Boycott jerks and see who starts showing up in their place.

      The things you don’t like about yourself can actually be strengths, once you have the maturity and wisdom to channel these traits effectively.

    18. “Anything worth doing is worth doing well” is bad advice. Anything worth doing is worth doing, even if you don’t think you can do it well.

      Margaritas tend to benefit from a splash of orange juice.

      If you want to make friends reach out to people and invite them over for pizza on a Friday night.

      Billable hours are no way to live. If you’re not making big law money you should run from the billable hour as fast as possible and you’ll hate being a lawyer a lot less. You’ll also be surrounded by people who hate being lawyers a lot less.

      Save your pennies and someday you’ll have a lot of pennies. Seriously, just pluck your savings out of your bank account when you get paid and use the rest how you please. It’s not morally problematic to buy your lunch or a coffee.

    19. Don’t project your failings into others. If you constantly find that you are “seeing” the same issues you have in your friends and family, that’s your problem. “I know you have alcoholism/ADHD/bipolar/depression/anxiety because I to do!” No honey, it’s called projection and you need to take a seat.

    20. The therapist you are seeing isn’t helping you. You are more anxious and have less confidence than when you started seeing them.

    21. This is specific to some women I know: stop expecting other people to finance your life.

      I see this a lot in certain traditional-minded people – oh it’s the man’s job to be a provider and earn enough to buy me a 3,000 sq ft SFH and let me stay home with the kids. Power to anyone who lives that life! No judge! But that’s not realistic for many people and you aren’t entitled to someone else slaving away in the office to keep you in the lap of luxury.

      And maybe if you’re 40 and that has yet to happen, get a backup plan.

      1. I’d go further and say it’s not actually “power to anyone who lives that life”–quite the opposite. Everyone I see in a position of indefinite financial dependence on their partner looks pretty disempowered, and most have even said that outright one way or another. All have been women.

      1. Yes to don’t go to law school. If you insist on going to law school, ensure that the scholarship goes up when they raise tuition. My biggest, most expensive mistake.

    22. Sleep is really important, for everyone. If you can, cut optional things so that you and your kids can go to sleep early enough that you’re well rested and don’t need an alarm clock.

      If you’re in a position to decide work hours and expectations for others, the work will be better and society is better off if we let people get their sleep.

    23. 1) tailors are your friends.
      2) dress the body you have, not the body you want or the body you think you have.
      3) just because you can get it on does not mean it fits
      4) vanity sizing is real, and the number on the label does not determine your self worth.
      5) dress according to the place you are going.
      6) underwear should remain invisible to the general public.
      7) first impressions still matter, dress and behave accordingly

      1. Agree with everything above. Along those lines: If you bring two sizes of an item into the fitting room always try on the bigger one first.

    24. Your “fun” boyfriend is going to be a terrible husband.

      Your children are listening to how you talk about your parents and watching how you treat them.

      Your bad health habits may not be impacting your health in your 20s and 30s but they will come home to roost in your 60s and 70s.

  5. Later this winter, in NYC, I am presenting live onstage at a private equity conference for back office folks, and I am a Texas-based consultant who works from home 100% of the time. What do I wear, knowing that anything I might have to buy is probably going to get limited use?

    1. Black pants, black turtleneck and fun blazer with some fun jewelry? Omit the turtleneck if it’s not your thing.

    2. What’s your budget? The fold is having a sale and I might check there first to see if any of their tops/dresses might work. I particularly like the Belleville tops. I’d likely go in person to a Nordstrom or Bloomingdales or order a bunch of things and then return what you don’t like – Reiss/Theory/Boss would be my brand choices for that audience (formal, largely male, responds well to suiting).
      Will you have to be mic’d, or will you have a hand mic? If you think you’ll need a mic pac I’d lean towards a jacket. I personally talk with my hands and find that a chanel style open jacket with a silky blouse underneath allows me more freedom on movement. I’d also go for either pants or a longer skirt – if you’re in an armchair or elevated shorter skirts can get unintentionally awkward.

    3. Veronica Beard is having a sale. Her blazers are magic. I’d peruse that line and get something there. A great blazer can go with almost anything you already have.

    4. If you are Dallas or Houston based, you know the answer, go in person to Neimans, Saks or Tootsies. Buy a good blazer – lots are on sale right now. If you do knit you can wear it with any good pair of dress pants. It will also get a bit more use with nice jeans. Also, if you browse Veronica Beard and see stuff you like, there will be way more on sale at the stores above, than if you go to the VB store; if your vibe is more St. John’s, its the opposite, the store at the mall normally has better stock. If you are Houston based and depending on your vibe, Frances Valentine could be a good option too. Likewise, you could also hit up the outlets in Cypress as there is an Elie Tahari, Escada, etc.

      1. Not sure if this applies to the OP’s situation or not, but – I don’t like wearing dresses if I am going to have to use a lavalier microphone, as you either have to hold the battery pack, or they have to clip it to your underwear. Dresses with a belt can work, but I prefer pants and a sweater jacket or blazer if I’m going to be presenting and have to wear a lavalier (or one of those thin headset mics with a battery pack).

    5. OP here – belated but thanks y’all for the fantastic advice! I would never have thought about the mic situation and how they might need to clip it on me. Much appreciated!!

  6. Late to the party last night, but please, please post an Amazon wish list or some way (PayPal?) that we can send funds directly to the teacher. Would love to help them support a local art supply store!

    Please don’t go with Donors Choose. It sounds great, but I don’t like the cut they take (when you could just send the supplies directly), and I especially don’t like that if your project falls short by even a couple of dollars, they keep your money and send it to another project that you might not even get to choose. And your intended donee gets nothing.

    1. If you are considering travelling to Richmond and can go somewhere else instead, there are several good options in Charlottesville. Boars head or Keswick Hall.

  7. Cross-post from the mom’s page:
    Has anyone experience with MiSight, the daily contacts claiming to slow progression of myopia in children?

    My 7 yr-old is now getting his first glasses with already around a -3dpt correction, so starting fairly high. He has inherited my genes. I had my first pair of glasses at 4.5 yrs old, as an adult now I have a -9dpt/-7dpt correction with the need for extra thin high-index lenses. Saw several specialists as a teenager who were concerned about the fast progression (adding -1dpt/year during age 11-15) and retinal thinning etc. Back then, those contacts didn’t exist. Lasix was never an option for me.

    If these lenses work somewhat, I’d consider it for my son, because having such a high correction already at elementary age is not only a concern for eye health long-term, but will be costly in the future (lenses more expensive, prescription sunglasses, Lasix costs etc).

    Adding that I’m completely happy with my own journey as a glass wearer as an adult and don’t consider this a major impairment. But there were times in my life as a child 30 years ago where thick lenses and an inability to fully or safely participate in activities (e.g. waterpark without glasses, yikes) just sucked.

    1. I had a version of these as a child, I think — mine were “orthokeratology,” so reshaping your cornea to help correct extreme myopia. I still have a quite high prescription but I think they helped slow the progression, and they weren’t more of a hassle than other hard contacts (and better than glasses). I got them in 4th grade, I think.

      also, I have a high prescription now but it’s high enough that my eye doctor got my daily lenses approved as medically necessary, so they only cost $40/year. I have good vision insurance now, though — on a previous plan it was like $600 a year :(

      1. Thanks for those insights, and glad you think it helped you.

        The optometrist mentioned this previous version (hard contact lenses). The ones now would be soft dailies, so I assume they would be a little easier to handle.

        I guess since we’re just starting with glasses, we’d want to wait a year or two to see how fast my son’s myopia progresses, and consider it then…

        1. I don’t have experience with this new soft daily tech, but did switch to hard contacts as a kid – probably in 5th grade? – to try to slow the progression of my myopia. I had started wearing soft contacts at 8 at the same time I got glasses. Obviously it’s impossible to tell if the hard contacts actually stopped the progression but I ended up with a far less severe prescription than either of my parents (they were both worse than -7 and I’m not even -4).

          Anyway, I would start with the contacts ASAP if you think your kid can handle the necessary hygiene / eye touching. What’s to lose? The main downside of the hard contacts for me was they were more uncomfortable, could pop out, and were expensive to replace if lost – I don’t see those downsides in a soft daily.

          1. Similar. I had periods as a kid what I wore hard contacts in hopes of slowing the progression,I ended up as -11, but they did seem to somewhat slow the progressing. I was lucky and tolerated hard lenses well.

    2. My 7 year old uses atropine eye drops that are supposed to slow the progression of her myopia. DH and I are both around -5/5.5 for contacts and each got glasses around age 8/9.

    3. I’m also super nearsighted and so with you on the lifetime of difficulties. There was a long form article (NYT? Atlantic? VF? can’t recall the source…will do some googling) a year or so ago talking about these advancements in slowing down myopia via lenses or drops. It interviewed an eye dr from the Bay Area who has been pioneering these technologies and research. The article also talked about how myopia seems to be more widespread.

  8. As someone who has been trying to improve in multiple areas of life, some switch flipped in the new year and I’ve been very on top of things! I’m really enjoying how productive, organized, fulfilled, and somewhat relaxed /happy (because I’m less anxious about things not being done) I’ve been, but I’m oddly terrified that the other shoe will drop and it will all come crumbling down (as has happened before).

    I am admittedly firing on all cylinders right now but that’s just the phase of life I’m in (so I’ll be stressed and disorganized firing on all cylinders or organized and happy, but I’m not really in a place where I can coast at all).

    Any ideas on how to keep up my momentum? I’m hoping if I keep some of these changes long enough, they’ll just become habits and part of ‘what I do’?

    1. Habits is exactly it! I had a professor who was a very important big deal person and I’ve never met anyone who answered emails faster. It’s entirely because she never put anything that could take 2 minutes off to have to do later. When I channel this, I find I am so much more productive and on top of things.

    2. I just take it one day at a time and make sure I’m keeping up with my habits on a daily basis. I use a simple habit tracker to keep track of things.

    3. Thank you! I have a feeling that a rough day or an extra busy week will exhaust me and I’ll slide right back to where I used to be.

      1. Give yourself some grace, because you won’t be super-productive 100% of the time. Just do your best to get back on track sooner than later.

    4. I was like this last year! Around May/June, I crashed. Build in plenty of downtime in whatever way downtime works best for you, so you don’t burn out. I need unstructured puttering around time, and I didn’t give myself much of that, and crashed.

    5. One thing that helps is to plan your bad days ahead of time. What are you ok with on the days you just can’t do much? If you have an exercise goal that might be a short walk. If you have a house keeping goal it might just be dealing with the mail and emptying the dishwasher. My rule for work is that I at least have to do the admin work for today so I’m not behind tomorrow. The trick to consistency is raising your floor not your ceiling if that makes sense.

  9. Fashion help! I’m attending a baby shower in a month — wealthy host, mid-day time. I haven’t dressed up for anything but work since pre-pandemic. Please suggest a dress – I feel overwhelmed. I’m a size 10 with a generous mid-section so nothing clingy or could look like unintended maternity. Up to $250 budget.

    1. I’d take a look at the Somerset collection at Anthro – the maxi dresses are well reviewed and the faux leather shorter version looks very cool. I would personally do one of the shorter options in a print if you’re on the shorter side, or a longer version with cool shoes if you need the extra length.

      1. Agree with this! You can also rent a few colors of this dress from Nuuly which may be a good option for this situation.

      2. Agree! My somserset maxi (cotton red) got TONS of compliments everytime I wore it this summer. I am a standard size 12 hourglass figure and the L fit me perfectly.

  10. What products do you use to keep shower glass clean? I squeegee after every shower but the glass still gets a bit cloudy. Is there something I should be spraying on after every shower?

    1. I use a daily no-scrub and no-rinse shower spray. I’ve used one from Method and one from scrubbing bubbles

    2. I clean the glass once a week with vinegar, but not while I’m in the shower, obviously.

    3. We paid for a no-streak/film treatment on our shower glass (one clear and one opaue, different bathrooms) and it was the best $ I’ve ever spent. Maybe this if you can throw $ at a problem? I don’t recall the name of the product.

    4. I use the method shower spray and our hand shower after I shower and that works well enough in between my weekly cleaning.

    5. What is the source of the cloudiness–hard water or soap/shaving cream scum? For shaving cream I splash water on the shower door to rinse it off at the end of every shower. If it’s hard water, there are showerheads with built-in water filters.

    6. What do you use to clean the shower glass if you’ve got travertine lined shower? Vinegar will damage the travertine.

    7. Mrs Meyers shower spray once or twice a week plus squeegee works great to remove soap scum for me.

  11. I just listened to the most recent episode of Radiolab. If you’re pro-choice or you are concerned about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, it’s an important piece on the need to assure that the atrocities committed by the Russian troops did not lead to a new generation spawned by violence. And the actions necessary to make that happen.

  12. What are the current professional norms around thank you notes after interviews. I just met with five people, not including the hiring manager and internal recruiter.

    1. Email them individually, thank them for the time & conversation, and reiterate your interest in the role.

      1. +1, bonus points for mentioning something specific from the conversation. Send them within a day of the interview but not like, 2 minutes after you leave – you want to convey that you reflected on the meetings before sending.

        1. This is the way. That said, candidates these days are so clueless that we are usually impressed by an e-mail just to the candidate’s main point of contact with a request to “please convey my thanks to the rest of the panel.”

  13. I’m thinking of ending my Amazon Prime membership as the shipping times have gotten absurd. I do watch a few shows on Prime, but I don’t watch much TV so I don’t think I’ll miss them.

    Are there any benefits to Prime or reasons to keep it that I’m over looking?

    1. I dropped Prime 8 years ago when I moved to an area where the two day shipping didn’t work well and I have no regrets. Amazon is pretty aggressive about offering free trials, so you can probably get an occasional free month of Prime to watch any shows you might care about.

    2. For us, it’s the photo storage and Whole Foods discount (that’s maybe linked to the CC). We don’t really use Prime itself much.

      1. I do read on my kindle a lot, but don’t use Kindle Unlimited or anything. Mostly read school-assigned readings and my book club books on Kindle so I have a very specific book I’m buying, not just browsing for whatever looks good.

        1. Kindle Unlimited is separate from Prime, if you ever want KU, but not Prime. And it gets you different stuff than the Prime Reading (or whatever it is)

      2. We are a big Alexa device house, but now Amazon has changed their music access so you have to pay for an additional Music monthly subscription to get any of the good stuff. It really stinks.

        So this is my list year for joining Amazon as well.

    3. I’ve never had Prime and I rarely, if ever, pay for shipping. If I’m under the minimum $25, there is always something inexpensive and needed I can order for the house (cleaning supplies, toiletries) or the family (e.g. socks). (I have 4 kids – if you live alone, you may find this harder). There are some grocery items that are only available to Prime members that I haven’t been able to buy, but it’s fine, I can get them elsewhere.

      1. I do live alone, but I generally add things to cart and leave them for a while so I think about do I really want XYZ. This means that there’s often time for a few things to accumulate in the cart while I’m deciding.

        I never buy groceries on Prime, but I do shop at Whole Foods on occasion but I don’t find the Prime member rewards at Whole Foods to be good.

        1. Huh, I’ve found the opposite at my Whole Foods, a few grocery trips pay for the Prime membership.

          1. Is it actually 5% off everything at Whole Foods, or just specific sale items?

            I just don’t shop enough at Whole Foods anymore.

    4. I feel like Prime’s utility comes in seasons. I work at Amazon and didn’t have Prime the first two or three years, when I was single and lived a couple blocks away from a Safeway and close enough to Target, etc. Now I love it because I have a small child, and groceries require driving, as do most other things. Plus when I really need it, things ship fast here. Obviously speaking for myself and not the company here, lol, but again — seasons! And I suppose shipping speed might get better to where you are if/ when supply chain works itself out, but that’s just speculation.

      1. I have little kids and people warned me I would struggle without Prime, but Target has been a perfectly good replacement and they have free two day shipping without a membership fee (plus a 5% discount with their free credit card). When I do need something that only Amazon has, I never have a problem meeting the minimum for free slower shipping. Sorry to your employer but I don’t see the value in Prime at all.

        1. Oh it’s fine; I’m sure Target would do the same for me — Amazon just got me first (or rather, they got my husband, who took me along for the ride). I plan to get a Target credit card this year.

      2. Prime/Amazon was lifesaving for me during COVID/these past years, while I was a caregiver for an elderly family member that needed a lot of medical supplies that were often hard to find during these years with backorders etc.. I had no time, and the convenience saved my sanity. These were items that you can’t buy at a traditional store like Target or Walgreens (and I couldn’t risk bringing COVID home to my elderly family member) and would have to buy them from Medical Supply stores online otherwise. They came so much faster via Amazon, were easier to return if there was a problem, and not always pricier, and I could quickly search multiple suppliers when things were on backorder. The 5% off credit card helped. Setting up monthly deliveries helped. I can imagine that having small kids could place you in a similar high stress / no time situation where the convenience was worth it. I have even gotten food occasionally from Amazon Fresh.

        But now… my elderly family member has passed. I just am not buying much at all. Whole Foods is too pricey for me. There are so many streaming services now, and I prefer choosing month to month where I want to watch. The music is no longer accessible for the good stuff. The price for membership has skyrocketed. I’m resentful of Amazon’s business model, and how they crush small / specialized business and take advantage of their incredible data resources. And how they treat workers… And Bezos…

        So no more membership. I sold my Amazon stock too.

    5. For me, I don’t care at all about shipping time, I just don’t want to have to buy more crap to make a shipping minimum. When I buy from other places, I waste a ton of time looking for stuff I don’t really need to fill up my cart. Prime is worth it to me to skip all of that. It doesn’t matter if it comes two weeks from now (most of the time). I also stream a lot.

    6. I’m also frustrated with the shipping. What I use most often is Fresh delivery as I’m immunocompromised and I prefer it to any other grocery delivery I’ve tried. I don’t think it’s available in all areas through.

    7. I keep seeing this complaint on differ t platforms, and meanwhile I’m sitting out here in the boonies getting my Prime orders two to three days later. It makes me wonder if it’s a contractor issue in certain locations? Or certain warehouses don’t function very well? It’s a bit of a mystery because by “boonies” I mean I drive thirty miles to a regular grocery store.

      1. Given the vast variety of responses here when some of us complain about FedEx, I’m guessing you’re right and it’s regional. I wonder if it’s like Verizon and AT&T. Some places, one is just stronger.

      2. I live in a small Midwest city, much more rural than a lot of people here, but definitely not as rural as you – wee have half a dozen grocery stores within a few miles of my house, plus Walmart, Target, etc. I canceled Prime after I moved here in 2015 because I used it regularly for about a year and never had anything arrive in less than a week. I always assumed it was because of our lack of proximity to an airport (the nearest one is 70 miles away and it’s not a major hub) but who knows.

      3. Very interesting! I’m in Center City Philadelphia and several of my orders have taken over a week! Including a textbook I need for class this semester…

      4. Whereas I placed an Amazon order on Saturday afternoon, live in DC, and it didn’t come till today. I never get anything from Amazon in 1-2 days anymore

  14. Oh for figs sake.

    For months, we’ve been working on this project with an outside group, a new team. The project’s been going on for years. They recently changed stuff and now they want documentation done differently from the beginning of the project. We told them that some of the changes they wanted represented basically illegal changes. We did emails we did soft voices we did notes. Got on a zoom call this morning, used my very annoyed teacher voice, and 5 minutes later they decided they’d settle it internally because we couldn’t modify the documentation like that.

    I refuse to apologize for it.

    1. I am so with you, just pondering my response to a looong email cc’ing very important people, basically saying this project was a mess and you should have included us in the communication from the start. I’m like, yeah, I did?? We had emails, we had meetings, we shared our plans. In hindsight, the email chain seven months ago where you stopped responding when we asked for another meeting seems quite relevant.uggggh

  15. I love wearing rings and I’d like to buy some sort of chunkier ones. Any suggestions for where to look?
    I wear a mix of gold and silver, I’m allergic to nickle so it needs to be stainless steel/gold/silver, love colorful things in general. My normal rings right now are a gold band, a silver-and-glass-band, and a gold ring (not engagement/wedding rings)

    1. I am a lover of vintage and estate jewelry, so my go to places are Ruby Lane and my favorite local shop, Market Square Jewelers. If you are on the hunt for chunky rings, I might look for signet rings – either that you could actually have engraved with an initial or other design, or a signet style ring with a colorful stone setting. Have fun shopping!

    2. There are some really cute ones at Banana Republic right now (I followed the necklace link there earlier in the week and spent 30 minutes browsing jewelry)

    3. Come visit Santa Fe. We’ve got turquoise rings out here that’ll break your arm.

      1. Oh, how I wish we had money to burn when we were in Santa Fe. We did purchase art but that was planned in advance. But the jewelry was exquisite.

      2. Haha I love that expression. One older woman I used to know used it to talk about someone’s overly large engagement ring.

      3. My favorite earrings came from a guy sitting in a blanket in front of the palace of the governor. You don’t have to buy from a high end shop!

    4. I love some of the Talon zodiac rings (Aquarius and Pisces, in particular) and bought one, completely unrelated to my zodiac sign. Otherwise, vintage and antique! It’s really dun to scroll on eBay.

  16. I’m sending a huge Thank You to the commenter last fall who recommended Olga Povcher / VHC. She’s guiding me through treatments. I feel an improvement in my pain. It took 4 Drs to find someone experienced with vulvodynia. I hadn’t even heard this word before. I’m so grateful to you and everyone who gave suggestions.

      1. Wasn’t it like a joke on SATC? I thought some interest groups were mad at the time because they turned it into a joke (“depressed vagina” hahaha) when it’s really a serious medical condition.

        1. SATC gave a lot of people something to be pissy about – a lot of that show has not aged particularly well – but Charlotte did at least get a diagnosis.

    1. that was me, you’re welcome and I’m so glad she’s helping you! She’s really terrific.

  17. Extremely low stakes question of the day: when using a paperclip to clip things together (the normal silver wire ones), do you put the small loop on top or the large loop on top of the stack of papers?

    I always put the small side/inner loop part on top but SO many of my colleagues put the large side on top…!

    1. I have literally never in my life paper clipped something. I’m in my 40s. Staples or nothing, paper clips are just a waste.

      1. I use them for music because it does not work to have music pages permanently connected at the corner.

    2. Office supply nerd here!
      I pull the small loop forward a little before I use it, then put it in the back when I slide it on- I find it creates a tighter hold.
      Also ribbed paperclips only. None of that smooth stuff.

    3. lol I wouldn’t have known had I not just done it to test myself.

      Large goes on top because I naturally want to press down to flex the clip open, meaning the larger part has to stay on top, rather than pull up.

      1. Good description. This is exactly how I do it too. I don’t even know how I’d get the small part in front without prying it open with my fingernails, which defeats the purpose.

    4. I just paperclipped something to see how I do it – big loop on top.

      I mainly use paper clips for putting on bracelets by myself, but I always have a tub on my desk. Brightly-colored and coated or bust.

    5. small on top. that way it can open up a little further if you’re flipping through it.

  18. What style of pants/jeans am I looking for if between my knees and stomach my body is shaped like a funnel, i.e. I feel like I have regular sized thighs/butt but a bigger stomach? I have a waist, but curvy style is too exaggerated on me. I have some athleta wide-leg pants that are super comfy, but my jeans can slide off without unbuttoning. But I’m concerned a size down would be too tight in the waist, or maybe I need a size down plus a different style, like high-waited? I’m 8 months post-partum and slowing losing weight so Old Navy/Target is the price point I’m looking for for jeans that won’t survive future size fluctuations…

    1. I was thinking high waisted. I don’t have the exact same body type but high waisted addresses a few of these issues. High waisted with a lot of stretch, maybe a size down

    2. This is me, my pants have to be big enough for my stomach but then they slide off because there’s a gap in the waist. And sizing down just makes them too small. It’s frustrating! My solution is wearing a belt with all pants.

    3. I am a rectangle and carry weight in my belly. I’ve really liked the Universal Thread straight-leg jeans from Target.

    4. This is how I am shaped and I have never found a pair of pants that I’ve truly loved. My answer is skirts.

    5. I have a pair of wide-legged jeans from Everlane that I love … The Way High Sailor jeans. These might work for you!

  19. Any designers want to help me decide on window treatment fabrics? We’re putting up hobbled roman shades in our downstairs bay windows and I am totally stuck on fabric/trim. Wall color is Sudbury Yellow by Farrow and Ball, we have a midnight blue velvet couch and brown leather wingback armchairs on one side and a green velvet couch and a beige ottoman on the other. We have a center hall colonial so this is technically two rooms but visually they feel like one long narrow room divided by our front staircase/entry hall.
    I’m waffling between a neutral linen fabric with greek key trim in pewter/grey or a luxe damask in neutral tones. The window people handed me a few books of fabrics and then basically shrugged (they do EXCELLENT work but it’s not a shade store place, so no in house designer). These curtains won’t be cheap and I want to love them. Wwyd?

    1. The neutral with a greek key sounds lovely. You can’t go wrong with that. However, are your couch/chairs/ottomons mostly solid? If so, I would choose the damask or a another classic print that contains the color of the sofa and either the chairs or ottoman in the print so that it visually connects them.

      1. Good point (and this is why I am NOT a designer). We currently don’t have ANY prints in either room, everything is a solid or a ‘textured solid’ (faux fur blankets/pillows).

    2. I love the idea of a Greek key and linen. Swoon. It’s the current version of traditional if that makes sense. The damask doesn’t feel very current to me although I’m sure it’s beautiful.

    3. I’d veer away from Damask prints as it was featured so heavily for the last 10 years or so. I’d do a William & Morris print. Based on the furniture, sounds like you are doing a traditional eclectic vibe which absolutely fits with using old-school William and Morris prints, or other historical prints.

  20. Favorite cheap ways to treat yourself? I’ve massively cut back on spending to rebuild my savings but after 3 weeks I’m starting to feel a bit deprived. But, I also don’t want to open pandoras box and start spending a lot again!

      1. Or depending on what kind of cuts you are making, how about a new nail polish? Or drive to somewhere new/nice and go for a hike. Grab fancy grab-and-go food at the grocery store.

        1. I would buy myself nail polish or go to a fancy salon that offers wine and go with a friend so it’s a social activity too. I also love to actually buy a cup of coffee and go for a nice walk.

        1. Agreed, a mani-pedi is a huge splurge for me. Even just one or the other is a splurge!

          1. $35 plus tip in NYC for me! So it really depends on costs where OP lives and how far she’s cutting back.

    1. Dark chocolate and a hike. I find when I have to be careful with my money, I try to be more indulgent with my time by choosing things to do that i can take time and savor- like a long hike or sitting in the library and reading (I used to go to the library and spend an hour or two reading magazines, but our library no longer has magazines…), long chat with a friend.

    2. I like to go to the bodega and buy one sparkling water and a bag of potato chips on a Friday night and eat them while watching TV. Satisfied enough that I then just cook dinner instead of spending $40 on delivery. I drink the water from a fancy glass

    3. New nail polish / lipstick – and learn how to do your own manicure. Its fun, its feels like a treat.

      Nice cafe + nice coffee + no phone + an actual book

      Getting physical books from the library in general.

      Good teas or coffee at home

      Scented candles are very cheap at Marshalls

    4. Library books, cooking fun things (can still be cheap and/or healthy, just different than what I normally make), movies or tv shows I’m looking forward to (I rotate through streaming services to save money, so it’s also more fun when I get a new one and there are new things to see. It feels more like a treat than when you can watch anything any time.).

    5. Leave work early, go to the library, pick out some good books/DVDs, then hit the drugstore and pick up your favorite snack foods and burrow into your comfiest spot to read/watch tv with all the good treats. Alternately, if you’re more extroverted: go for a hike and then grab a smoothie/specialty drink, take a long hot shower, shave, moisturize, use the face mask, and wrap yourself up in your coziest PJs and robe before having a cup of tea/wine and either calling a friend/parent or watching a fun show/movies.

    6. A new bottle of bubble bath and an hour alone in my tub. less than $10 but worth a thousand!

    7. I said this on another thread but go to TJMaxx and buy the best-smelling body wash you can find. It’s a nice, inexpensive daily pleasure.

    8. Tea that I drink very indulgently at the end of the day. Bar of soap that smells amazing. Library books.

    9. Bubble bath, candles, and a good podcast. or calling a friend who doesn’t mind I’m in the bath.

  21. Interesting sizing thing I just realized:

    I have 2 sort of “pleather” skirts from Ann Taylor. One is a size 8P and I probably bought it in 2016, and the other is a size 8 that I bought in ~2021. They both fit, but the 8P from 2016 is definitely tighter. Idk if its like vanity sizing, or just that the newer skirt is “straighter” and less like a tight pencil skirt. But otherwise they do seem like identical skirts.

    How is petite supposed to affect skirts? Make them narrower? Smaller waist?
    I’m 5’4″ but I have long legs + hips so I don’t usually buy petite.

    1. usually it makes them shorter overall and also, although it’s not as obvious as in pants, if there are darts or shaping, they’re designed for a shorter distance between waist & hip. So the skirt would in theory stop widening earlier than the non-P version.

    2. It’s possible that the darts are more severe on the petite so it hugs more. It’s possible that Ann Taylor updated their sizing block between the two and it’s slightly more generous in 2021. It’s also possible that the fabric was cut a little small on the 2016 and a little large on the 2021 — if they were each 1/4″ off then that adds up to 1/2″ difference which you would definitely notice.

    3. Petite should be shorter in length and shorter in the waist. In some brands the petite size also runs about a size smaller width-wise, which is annoying.

    4. In my experience, petite sizes often run .5 to 1 size smaller than regular sizing. It doesn’t make sense that the waist on a 8P should be smaller than the waist on an 8 in the same style, but it often does.

  22. It’s been a few years since I’ve applied for a job and could use your insight. I’m helping a newly arrived immigrant I’ve become friends with. He has an incredible resume with 20 years of progressively senior responsibilities – he just needs to get his foot in the door somewhere. He’s been in contact with a former colleague who now lives here in the States – the former colleague has an opening at his company. This former colleague recommended my friend completely rewrite his resume to include ONLY on the tasks he did that are relevant to the open position. This would mean rewriting positions where he was, say, VP of XYZ and only talking about X and omitting anything about Y and Z. The goal is to make it look like he’s a specialist who has focused only on X for his career when he’s an incredible executive/manager experienced in a number of adjacent fields.

    This feels dishonest to me? And why would you want to omit good experience? But my immigrant friend is desperate for a job (his family is surviving on welfare and food stamps until he lands a professional job) and he trusts his former colleague from his home country who has “made it in America” so to speak more than he trusts me? Anyways, I’m involved in this rigamarole because I’m the one who needs to rewrite the damn resume because writing bullets is tricky for Americans, never mind newly arrived immigrants. (I wrote the first draft of his resume; he had a 5-page European-style CV – no American company wants to read through that. I sadly missed the window in which it would have been appropriate to tell him to tell his friend to rewrite the dang bullets; that I wasn’t willing to do it for him.) Anyways, where’s the line on crafting resumes to match positions? I believe a well-written resume is a well-written resume and this makes me uncomfortable and I wouldn’t want to work for this company. This is NOT a job with the fed gov’t or a major employer that’s likely to use software to scan.

    1. I probably wouldn’t omit entire categories but yes, tailoring your resume for a particular role is 100% the right approach. In practice that would mean yes, saying VP of XYZ, but spending half the bullets on X, and noting just 1-2 things about Y and Z, if X is the focus of the target job.

      1. Thanks, yeah. Reading your comment and re-reading what my friend says his former colleague recommends – they’re two different things. Friend was VP of XYZ and former colleague is recommending changing his title to X Specialist and completely eliminating Y and Z. It’s like that all the way down his resume – where he was manager of XYZ, XAB, and XCD throughout his career, and the colleague is recommending he change his title and delete all references to anything but X. I’m not going to do it.

        I’ve told my friend I’m more than happy to help him write a sympathetic cover letter for him that explains that he’s new to this country and that he has tons of experience in X, but I’m not going to rewrite a resume that says he’s only ever been an X workerbee when he’s been an XYZ manager for decades.

        1. yeah, there’s a difference between resume as marketing tool and resume as misleading, and the former colleague’s advice is more in the latter category IMHO.

    2. It’s smart to tailor your resume to the job. That doesn’t mean totally absenting your experience, or changing titles, but it does mean emphasizing work relevant to the role. This is very typical; I don’t think I’ve ever applied to a job without considering how my experiences matches with that specific job and making my resume reflect that. Sometimes, that means things get left off!

    3. No advice on this specific issue, but he should research a non-profit called Upwardly Global. They help people in his exact position (new immigrants with professional experience finding their first role in the US)

    4. That’s absolutely not dishonest. A resume is a marketing document, it’s not a security clearance application.

      1. And I mean this in response specifically to your objection to leaving out certain experiences that aren’t relevant.

  23. I was too late to respond on yesterday’s question about moving from Boston to Chicago, but I just wanted to add: DOOOO IT!! I lived for a decade in Boston and moved to Chicago 3 years ago. The only thing I have regretted is not having easy access to fresh-out-of-the-ocean lobster. Everything everyone said is totally true. My quality of life has gone up considerably for a much lower cost. The housing is way cheaper, and there is just more newer/larger housing stock. The food scene is insane and puts Boston to shame. There are world class museums and theater. People are genuinely nicer, so much so that it’s jarring the first few months I was here. The minor downsides are that the highways here are more congested, so I would not recommend having a long work commute. Also, crime is objectively worse than Boston, but I think that will improve. It was on par with Boston when I first moved here and has deteriorated during the pandemic.

  24. PSA: I thoroughly enjoyed this NYC piece: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/19/opinion/the-enduring-invisible-power-of-blond.html#commentsContainer

    Never has the comment section on a NYT article so thoroughly yet obliviously proven the author’s point!

    Interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts! My own thoughts: I am of mixed race, but generally present as a brunette white person (I say generally because as a kid, being in the sun all the time, my skin was several shades darker than it is now and I was regularly assumed to be Hispanic or maybe Italian). But I married a blond, blue-eyed man. I have two young daughters, one with light reddish brown and curly hair, and one with blue eyes and straight blond hair. No one in our families treats them any differently, but I will say that the number of comments about my younger daughter’s eyes and hair color, asking me whether I thought they would change, etc. really made me uncomfortable. It’s funny because my older daughter has objectively stunning hair and I suspect (who knows) will end up being the more conventionally pretty one. And there is part of me that wishes they both had darker hair, because I see how blond women are often se*ualized.

    1. Orrr…it’s just a hair color? I don’t understand the author’s point or the angry women on TikTok. People from northern Europe are often born with light hair and some grow out of it and their hair darkens. K.

      The author’s premise – that all of us are thinking about race all the time even when we’re not and that our denying that we’re thinking about race is racist – is whoamigosh exhausting.

      Signed,
      Olive-complected brunette with curly hair who spends 0.00 seconds of her life thinking about other people’s hair

      1. I don’t think you really understood the article or her premise. She’s talking about mainly unconscious biases. She’s not accusing blonde women of going around thinking “white people are better! I must look mor white!”. Quite the opposite. This is a deeply engrained and unconscious bias most people have which is why people react so defensively when they are encouraged to examine the bias.

        I find it extremely difficult to believe that in your entire life you have never thought about your hair relative to other people’s hair. I have curly brown hair and spent some (not a lot) of time wishing it was straighter, if not lighter. The unconscious bias there is that curly hair is seen as ethnic whereas straight hair is seen as clean, groomed, the Aryan ideal.

      2. I dunno, people generally don’t call a black woman with dyed blonde hair “a blonde” but they would call a white woman, naturally black hair, dyed blonde “a blonde”. It’s not just hair color. That is what it is whether you think about other people’s hair or not.

        1. That’s an interesting point. I only know one black woman with dyed blond hair and I think I would have described her as blond or at least having blond hair – although it’s hard to say now without being aware of the point being made

        2. No, a white woman with naturally dark hair who colors it blond is usually called a “bleached blonde” or a “bottle blonde.” Not a “blonde.”

      3. Yeah I’m white but have very dark brown hair for a white person (it’s almost black, to the point that hairdressers assume I dye it because my complexion is pretty fair). I never felt “less than” blondes. I’ve gotten so many compliments on my hair color from other women – like women stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful my hair color is. And I never had any issues dating, lots of men loooove brunettes in my experience. Never ever wanted to be blond.

      4. She is talking about why adults who have dark hair naturally (hence not “natural blonds”) still to claim to be natural blonds just because they were blond when they were young. I know several white people who dye their hair as adults claim they are natural blonds just because they were when young. The article is about WHY those people make such claims. Like we don’t claim to be naturally petite when we are 40 years old and 5′-9″ because we were shorter when we were 5.

        1. Could it be a cover in order to not appear too vain? I tend to downplay any “improvements” I’ve made to my appearance because I know women are judged for putting too much emphasis on or effort into their appearance.

          1. Maybe for some but that is probably not true for the two people I knew. For example, one was a grad student who had terrible skin (acne) and didn’t care enough to buy anything than regular bar soap he used to help the situation. He always wore clothes that didn’t fit well. He didn’t seem to care about his appearance in any other aspect.

        2. Alternate explanation: as people age, they dye their hair the colour it was when they were young. Many redheads have their colour fade as the years go by and no one would bat an eyelash if they said they are natural redheads. People who go grey often dye their hair approximately the colour it was before the grey.

          1. This. I used to have brown hair but it is prematurely white. I have it dyed back to something approximating my natural shade. White hair by age 30 is not natural.

    2. I deleted my TikTok after reading that thread. Just too much negativity on TikTok in general – somehow I found my self on trans and TERF toks and that’s a nightmare, too. Seriously. I completely understood the professor’s point – blonde is a whole THING in our country. Can’t really deny the premium put on yellow-haired, blue-eyed babies. It is connected to white supremacy. What made me annoyed was that some folks who were confused were mocked and it was suggested they were racist. We have so much blatant racist hate and unconscious bias and I am not denying that at all. But some people just aren’t that bright and were literally confused about the assertion that blond is not a color. At the most literally concrete level, yeah, it is yellow. Not everyone has the abstract thinkging ability to understand blonde as a social construct. Of course, it is not the job of black people to educate folks but the mocking was stupid. If you aren’t on TikTok, don’t do it.

  25. I deleted my TikTok after reading that thread. Just too much negativity on TikTok in general – somehow I found my self on tr$ns and T$RF toks and that’s a nightmare, too. Seriously. I completely understood the professor’s point – blonde is a whole THING in our country. Can’t really deny the premium put on yellow-haired, blue-eyed babies. It is connected to white supremacy. What made me annoyed was that some folks who were confused were mocked and it was suggested they were racist. We have so much blatant racist hate and unconscious bias and I am not denying that at all. But some people just aren’t that bright and were literally confused about the assertion that blond is not a color. At the most literally concrete level, yeah, it is yellow. Not everyone has the abstract thinkging ability to understand blonde as a social construct. Of course, it is not the job of black people to educate folks but the mocking was stupid. If you aren’t on TikTok, don’t do it.

    1. I didn’t look at anything on tiktok. My assessment was of her article and her theory only. After all, she is a sociologist, it is her literal job to think about society, even if people think there are “better” things she should be doing with her time.

      1. You didn’t see it on TikTok but I did. And I don’t know who thinks the professor should be doing better things with her time. I do know your arguing about nothing is frustrating.

  26. Anyone doing anything special for Lunar New Year?
    It always sneaks up on me, but we are having dumplings with my dad this weekend and he is bringing red envelopes for the kids.

    1. Oh – thanks for posting this. I am visiting family next week that usually celebrate this. I am curious what others do….

      What should I know / bring?

      My SIL and brother are separated now, and I think their kids would appreciate doing something as Mom is now out of the picture. Going out for dumplings sounds great! What is a traditional (?money in red envelopes?) gift?

      1. Money. The only answer for a red envelope is money. Everything else is lame. We usually got a crisp $20 or $50 dollar bill.

    2. Happy Lunar New Year, Chuc mung nam moi! I will spend the day with my mom oh and devour a whole banh tet chuoi by myself :)

    3. Lunar New Year crafts with the kids, having a couple of friends over for a ‘reunion’ dinner Saturday night (we have no family nearby) involving dumplings, braised pork belly, & whatever I can find at the Asian market in this snowstorm; and red envelopes.

    4. My adult daughter informed me last night that a red envelope this year would be well-received, lol.

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