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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pull-On Midi Pencil Skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This black-and-white skirt from NYDJ is part of their new-ish “Sculpt-Her” collection, which has been the source of the best pants I’ve purchased in the last few months. They’re super flattering and remind me a bit of the Spanx line of clothing, although slightly less compressive and maybe a smidge more comfortable. I would style this skirt with a short-sleeved sweater for an easy summer outfit.

The skirt is $79 and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.

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Sales of note for 12.5

391 Comments

  1. I’m at myrtle beach with my 4 and 5 year old for a week.

    Ideas on what we should do? Any restaurant recommendations or seafood buffets?

    2. I took my son when he was 5. I remember Jim liking the aquarium, the Pirates Voyage dinner/show and the SkyView ferris wheel.

    3. There’s an *adorable* old-fashioned ice cream parlor called Kirk’s 1890. It’s got a great atmosphere and it’s off the “main drag” area so you can hang for a bit without feeling rushed.

      If you’re not concerned about sugar rush and crash “Sugar Life” stores are a sensory delight, with tons of candy, sparkles, toys, and more.

  2. I know the featured item is almost besides the point, but is this really what is being put forward as work appropriate? I am not usually one to clutch my pearls, but that slit!! Also – “Reminds me of spanx line of clothing” – how does that say professional office? And maybe besides the point but it’s kind of just dated looking.

    I remember when the advice around here was to make sure you sit in your work clothes in front of a mirror… ha, I guess.

      1. Yeah, center slits look odd, and risky! But if the slit were on the side, I could see myself wearing an outfit like this. I like the top! I just peeked at their blouses, they have some cute stuff.

    2. Agree, I would never wear this to work. It’s too slinky. Or something. It’s the same reason why I think Betabrand pants look obscene on me. Maybe if I had a straight up-and-down body, but I do not, so.

    3. I’m not a fan of this particular item, but workwear has changed in the past several years, unless you are business formal in which case this pick isn’t intended for you.

    4. When did you become such a reactionary nun AIMS? I’ve been reading here for years and you never used to be like this. It’s a pencil skirt. It’s below knee length. The slit is going to be barely noticeable when wearing it.

      1. It’s not being a “reactionary nun” to point out that this tight skirt is not work appropriate. I know this board tends to be a lot of “you do you!” but professional dress is still a thing.

      3. I think that is a very noticeable slit.

        Often, one particular feature does not make something appropriate or inappropriate; it’s the combination. Slinky AND form-fitting AND a big front slit is not office appropriate.

      4. this skirt looks like a costume that the “comely assistant” would wear on a law firm drama, not what I see people actually wearing to work!

          2. Come on. It is a million degrees outside. I could get a nice breeze for my privates in this skirt. You guys are no fun.

          3. This is the kind of thing where at my last office, my male boss would have come into my office avoiding eye contact with me to tell me to tell Jessica to go home and change into appropriate business wear.

        2. I always think of it as the “Meghan Markle’s character on Suits” version of a work-appropriate outfit.

      5. I am not a pearl clutcher and don’t really care if someone wears this, but innocent looking front skits can get super indecent quickly when you sit down. I tried two in my clothing rental service a couple of years ago and couldn’t wear either out of the house.

      6. The slit goes to upper mid thigh. No one is complaining about the skirt length. The point of the blog is work wear. Not going to defend it more than that.

    8. I was just about to comment the same but you beat me to it. The skirt itself is fine, but the slit is too high for anything I’d wear. It’s a wardrobe disaster waiting to happen. Even if the slit stopped lower, I would still hate it — center slits don’t look good to me at all.

      1. I have had exactly one successful center front slit – it had a front button and zip and pockets in a ever so slight a-line shape. I think all the extra details helped make it look intentional vs. like something that inadvertently turned around.

    9. “Make something look dowdy and too slinky at the same time.” Challenge accepted!

    10. This was one of the only places to learn about and find formal business outfit ideas. There are so many places to find casual or business-casual outfits, I am disappointed this website has gone that way, too. Some of us do have to wear suits.

    11. The name “Sculpt-Her” really rubs me the wrong way! I’m not a piece of clay that you can make into what you want. Also, I seem to be very grumpy this morning.

  3. How often do you buy new bras? Not how often you *should* but how often do you ACTUALLY do it? I know mine probably need it, but I’m balking at replacing something I bought probably 18 months ago.

    1. 18 months would be pretty good imho. I think I’ve gone as much as 3 years between refreshers.

    2. 18 months would be pretty good imho. I think I’ve gone as much as 3 years between refreshers.

    3. It depends. I rotate through 4-5 everyday bras and hand wash/dry and most of them hold up for years. If you wear them more frequently or wash them in the machine they break down faster. The type of bra probably also matters- I’m a 36DDD so they’re pretty sturdy, but unlined (I don’t need any more bulk in the area!). Flimsy ones wear out faster and I suspect that might also be true of anything with foam or padding.

    5. This depends so much on the quality and fabric type. Some softer fabrics with more give will also stretch out and wear out faster, and lining can become misshapen. There’s nothing worse than a bra that used to fit, but now the band is stretched out even at the tightest setting. Meanwhile a less comfy bra with no give and no padding or lining can last ages for me.

    7. When they look worse for the wear, but I’m also a small A, so they’re really providing me with n*pple coverage and subtle shaping, not support. I’d probably replace more frequently if they were providing support.

      1. This. I’m a AA and only wear bras to be modest in public. Don’t wear them at home and haven’t replaced them in 5+ years.

    8. So admittedly I’m mainly living in wireless bralettes (and not the pretty kind) these days but my favorite “real” bra was probably purchased after I finishing nursing my oldest. Who is almost 7.

    9. I keep mine for about 3-6 years, depending on how they hold up. Usually buy a bra or two every year and rotate through them.

    10. I have no idea when I last bought a bra. Way before COVID. There’s nothing uncomfortable about my existing ones and I wouldn’t replace something just for the sake of replacing it.

    11. when the elastic gives out on the band, usually around 3-4 years of being “in the rotation” of every other day wear, washed and hung to dry once a week.

    13. Oh I keep bras for years. I currently have one real bra (probably 5ish years old), 2 strapless bras (4/5 years old), and 3 padded bralettes (bought at the beginning of the pandemic). I had had the best strapless bra ever that I had for at least a decade but it got lost. But I’d say 5ish years is normal for me

    14. I never balk at replacing something once the cost per wear gets below a buck. So if my bra is $60 and it’s worn every other day for a year, that gets the cost per wear low enough that I feel like I got a good value.

    15. I think it depends on how many you have. I’ve done it more frequently when I had 2-3 that I wore most often and less often when I have more in regular rotation.

    16. The first place I gain weight is my boobs (and I’ve done a lot of that in the last few years) so I have to replace them fairly regularly.

      1. That said, 18 months is way too short of a lifespan for a bra unless it was a really terrible, cheap, crappy bra to begin with.

        1. Sadly, this used to be my go-to, but I feel like the quality has gone downhill. I’ve changed nothing in how I wear or wash them, but they aren’t holding up great.

        2. Maybe I’m just really hard on my… boobs? … but I had 7 Natori feathers on weekly rotation for a year and they all were stretched and worn by the end of the year. On the other hand, Target Auden bras seem to last forever, as do my Kindreds Bravely nursing bras. I guess it really depends on the bra. 36 DDD here.

        3. It isn’t if you wear it several times a week. It really isn’t solely a factor of how long you’ve owned a bra. It’s how often you wear it and wash it, both of which cause it to wear out. Also whether you’re busty or not – my GG cup bras are doing a lot more work than my sister’s B cup bras.

    17. Many, many years. Basically, as long as they aren’t stretched out and still fit. Maybe 5 or 6 years? I wouldn’t even consider replacing a bra at 18 months.

    18. I buy new bras an undies every year around my birthday and “retire” any that have seen better days. I don’t usually replace all of them at once. I usually have 3-5 bras that I wear with varying frequencies.

      1. this

        I’m dd so not sure how gg friend is making hers last so long but open to notes!

    19. Annually (32DD). I only have 2 or 3, wash by hand and hang dry. Bras wear out quickly and are not as supportive over time. I have no idea how a bra worn regularly could last more than 18 months and still fit properly. (Note I have a strapless bra I wear infrequently and have had longer!)

    20. I always buy at least 1-2 new bras each year in Black Friday/cyber Monday shopping orders because the deals can’t be beat. This has led me to them getting rid of older bras every 1-2 years also. I was someone who’d go like 3-5 years or more with bras because it was like they’re fine, what’s the problem. That’s until I started buying new ones and realized that they are just so much more supportive and now I find I can’t wear a bra after I’ve used and washed it for like 18-24 months because the support just isn’t the same.

    21. Depends on how many you have. I found an amazing local bra shop that will replace and/or alter the elastic up to 3 times. When the wires warp, she also removes the wires and alters the bra into a bralette. The bras are expensive but the included tailoring really extends the wear and its so worth it. I have 3 daily wear bras and 2 fancier ones and I will probably get 4 years of wear out of them plus another few years as bralettes.

          1. Would you mind sharing the name? I’m in manhattan but would make a trip for this level of service and sustainability

    22. As long as they fit and are comfortable. Guidelines about replacing your bras every X time interval is nonsense.

    23. It depends on how many you have and how often you wear them but every once in a while I buy a new one or two of my favorites, especially if I spot them on sale, and get rid of one of my older ones. So maybe 1-3 bras per year, but I have lots. I will probably buy a couple at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

      1. Same! I buy two Chantelle or Natori bras at the NAS every year whether I think I need them or not. Sometimes colors if they have good ones.

  4. Are there any good websites these days for searching products by color? Polyvore used to have a great image search that I used for finding things like throw pillows that coordinated with a color scheme (so not e.g., “blue” but a specific shade of blue plus a specific shade of another color, etc.). I can’t figure out what people use these days.

  5. Has anyone purchased patio furniture from Polywood? Regular or vintage finish? Do you recommend? I want to spend more time on my patio, but only have a table set and I’m too lazy to deal with the cover…

    1. I bought a table set (rectangular table + 6 chairs) a year ago for the deck at my cabin. Sat outside all winter, uncovered, buried in upper Midwest snow and impervious to some pretty close-to-gale-force winds. It’s still perfect. I have the regular finish. I recently saw the “new” finish at a store. It’s supposed to look more like “real” wood but I didn’t care for it at all. I first saw the table on Overst@ck but checked out Polywood’s website and it had more colors and was the same price. It was sturdily packed and was delivered on pallets in huge boxes – the only thing that had to be assembled was putting the legs on the tabletop. Highly recommend!

    2. I bought two Polywood adirondack chairs for our cabin 4 years ago and they are not covered and sit in intense summer sun/heat and winter snow (6,500′ elevation) and they still look great. So I bought two more for our primary residence front yard. They are pricey but definitely worth the price since you don’t have to cover or worry about them aging. The only thing I have to do is maybe hose them down if they get dusty. Highly recommend.

    3. I bought a set of rocking chairs, and one of them was manufactured wrong so we couldn’t put it together and had to send it back for a new one. Other than that hassle, the chairs are nice and are easy to wipe down when they get dirty.

      1. Same here! It was very frustrating and their customer service is not very responsive. The other rocking chairs and the Adirondack chairs I got are great. LL Bean makes really good outdoor furniture using that same material so I would recommend them over Polywood.

    4. I have 4 chairs and a table and highly recommend. My set lives under a tree on my patio so it gets dirty easily, but a quick power wash once a year and it’s like new. I live in a harsh environment by the water and all my neighbors swear by it because it’s the only thing that is truly low maintenance in these conditions.

    5. Thank you all, I’m sold! Any color recommendations? I lean towards black, but worry it’ll get hot?

      1. My table set is dark brown to match my cabin; any color will get warm but it isn’t anything like sitting on metal. I have also owned Adirondack chairs of this type of recycled material in many other colors – I think you’ll be ok with anything that is a mid-level color (e.g., bright blue) or darker; from experience would not recommend yellow or lighter colors, especially if you don’t want to cover them.

  6. I didn’t realize Neiman Marcus and Saks have 30 return windows. I have been spoiled by Nordstrom. Does anyone know if I can return for a credit or anything to either of them after 30 days or if I’m out of luck? I’m like a week over on one and two weeks on the other. Thanks in advance for any info!

    2. just an FYI, Banana/Gap/Old Navy just switched their return windows as well. Bloomingdales used to be a year, but is also much shorter now

    3. Try submitting an online return anyway, even if you’re past the window. I’ve tried that a few times and was still authorized for the return and given a return shipping label even though I was technically a week or two late.

    4. If you are able and willing to go to a mall, I’ve had really good luck at many mall stores with them accepting late returns. I just go up to the counter and say I have a return, and the vast majority of the time they don’t say anything about it being a few weeks late. The few times they do say something, it’s normally along the lines of this is past our return window, but I’ll do you a favor and accept it this time.

    5. I’ve missed these windows before and gone ahead and sent it back, never had a problem.

  7. Hi, Any recommendations for fun Nintendo Switch multiplayer games for adults? Thanks!

      1. One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories was a fierce Mario Kart session. Ages 5 through 70 had a blast.

      2. Definitely this. Mario Kart has been the game of choice for my friend group going on two decades now (god I feel old)

      3. Love that other people know about this game. It is super fun but feels strangely high stakes and even though it’s collaborative, there is a lot of yelling (“I NEED CARROTS!!”)

  8. WWYD? My oldest DD is early-mid teens and is overweight, 5’6″ 160 apple. Pandemic meant both puberty and way less activity for about 18 months, and her eating habits w/ lots of carbs, sugar, and liquid calories mean that she is continuing to gain albeit slowly. However, she still thinks that she is thin – she has remarked this to her siblings a few times over the last few months. We don’t talk about people’s body size, and that’s what I say whenever the kids say anything about anyone’s size, including their own. I would like to be able to convey that (1) she is not thin any more and (2) it would be easier for her to lose weight now than it will be at any time in the future, but I realize that I shouldn’t say anything to her (right?). Would I say this confidentially to the pedi the next time we go? If the answer is just to do nothing I can do that too since I have been up to now.

      1. THIS.

        Podcast rec: Maintenance Phase.
        Substack rec: Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith

    2. I’m 5’6″ and 160 would be a goal weight for me if I wanted to lose weight! I’m significantly heavier than that, and honestly, I know I’m not thin, but I look fine. I fit in a single airplane seat, I don’t hang off the edges of an office chair, I do yoga and pilates. Absolutely do not “convey” that she “is not thin any more” and please, reevaluate your thinking on this.

      1. Yep, same! I wonder if now is the time to splurge on an activity she’s always wanted to do? SUPing or a new bike etc?

      2. Yeah, that seems like a perfectly fine weight to me and OP sounds like a horrifying mother, honestly.

      3. You are an adult though, right? Objectively, at that age and stats her daughter is overweight by BMI, but not by much.

        OP, I think you help make naturally good choices to the extent you can. Can you encourage her to walk/bike to school or friends houses this summer? When I was 14, I didn’t do sports but I stayed in lean shape because I walked to high school women the weather was nice. Because my parents wouldn’t drive me and the bus was gross and came crazy early. My friends and I also biked/walked around everywhere before we got our licenses.

        1. Walking places isn’t going to help this teenager lose weight. Almost always, people adjust their caloric intake to match increased activity, unless they are purposefully trying to lose weight. More importantly, she will know exactly why her mother is encouraging her to walk places. As a parent of a child who had anorexia, no one wants to go down that road (my child is now an adult and her weight and health are fine, but it was a worrisome time).

          2. Giving up the car absolutely will help get the extra weight off. Better if you do it as a family, though.

        2. Exactly this. At age 15, I weighed about 115-120 (5’8), and now, early 40s with a toddler, I weigh 155. Put me back at my high school weight and I would be emaciated; even my college or law school weight (135) would be low.

          Diana Barry has always seemed very balanced, so I trust this isn’t an issue of a kid with a different frame.

          The answer is more exercise, one that she enjoys.

        3. I just checked the BMI for this kid and she’s “overweight” by a whole six pounds.

          1. I posted above and that’s literally what I said. “Overweight but not by much.”

          3. ? Per the gov bmi calculator the healthy weight range tops out at 148. That’s 12lbs overweight not 5lbs. And the reality is that the top range of the normal bmi isn’t exactly thin looking (speaking as some who idles around 24 bmi unless I’m diligent about diet and fitness)

          4. It honestly really depends on your frame. I’m almost overweight by BMI (5’11 and 175 pounds) but I think I look good and people regularly describe me as slender or fit. I think my height is definitely a factor, and I also have really small/delicate bones so for example the circumference of my arms is very small for my height, and that contributes to an overall “thin” appearance even though my weight is not that low. My husband is almost “obese” (!) by BMI (5’8″ and 190-195ish) but looks really muscular and toned, and can run a 6 minute mile. Remember that muscle weighs more than fat, so a flabby person can actually weigh a lot less than a toned person.

          5. My experience is actually the opposite – I think many people with a BMI over 25 don’t look fat at all and you would never guess they’re “fat” if you didn’t input their stats into a BMI calculator. Obviously no one with a BMI of 30+ is going to look skinny, but this kid is just barely over 25. I would assume she’ll grow into the weight and even if she doesn’t she’s probably still slimmer than the average woman at that BMI.

            I also just don’t think BMI is very important. Studies show BMI is not very correlated to health. In fact, after a certain age, women who are slightly overweight by BMI have better health outcomes than women who are “healthy weight.” If you’re healthy and feel good in your body, who cares? And not that this should matter, but a woman with a 25-ish BMI can be *very* conventionally attractive depending on where she carries the weight.

          6. Check out the Maintenance Phase episode about BMI – it blew my mind! Do not take that seriously as a measurement.

    3. I don’t know about you but when I was a sixteen year old girl I absolutely was aware of my weight. My guess is that she’s conscious she’s gained and her comments about being thin are looking for affirmation that it’s ok to look the way she does/weigh what she does. I would absolutely NOT tell her she’s overweight (because she barely is) but encourage healthy food in the house and moving (e.g. walking with you/her friends, sports, active hobbies, etc.). Don’t treat it like a big deal because it’s not.

      1. +1. Please don’t tell your daughter she’s “not thin anymore.” I guarantee you she knows what she weighs, she knows what her body looks like. If she’s a 16 year old with even a mildly positive body image that’s a damn miracle.

        I’m your daughter’s height and weight now, and I was also about that size when I developed anorexia at 17. One of the things that triggered me was the idea that it would be “easy” to lose weight at that time, before I went off to college and gained the “freshman 15.” Don’t open that can of worms.

        2. The only possible motivation I can figure out for OP wanting to tell her daughter she’s “not thin any more” is that Mom is jealous of her daughter’s looks and wants to take her down a peg. Mom realizes her own looks are fading and she’s not getting the same kind of attention her daughter is and so rather than accepting the fact that it’s her daughter’s time to shine, Mom is dealing with the insecurity by doing what mean girls do: tearing down another girl/woman to make herself feel better. I feel so sorry for the daughter in this situation. Yikes.

    4. Dear god what is wrong with you.

      Like honestly did you read this to yourself?

      Help. My daughter has a positive body image. How can I convey she shouldn’t and needs to diet.

      I’m honestly horrified.

      1. Agree! If this wasn’t under the name of a regular poster, I would assume it was a troll!

      2. Same. Some of the mothers on this board need to do some serious explorations of their hangups about weight/body image and their own motivations for wanting to seed body insecurity into their daughters. I know they won’t, but they need to.

        1. I recommend the newsletter Weight And Healthcare to any reader. BMI is made up, and all ethical research (i.e. not funded or done by diet industry interests) points to targeting *specific health problems,* rather than weight, as far more productive. If someone is not open to even looking at it from a health-only perspective, that means it’s really an aesthetic preference. Adults are free to pursue being thin if that’s really a priority, but it’s not right to impose that priority on a healthy child.

      3. Agreed. This is certainly one of the more horrifying posts I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading here. Almost, BMI is trash and shouldn’t be used.

    5. Both 1) and 2) are not necessarily true. I would do nothing. Having had a kid with an eating disorder, another kid who was significantly overweight but decided later to lose weight on his own, I would shy away from commenting on a kid’s excess weight unless it was an immediate and dire health reason. You are concerned about aesthetics, right, not her health?

    6. You are going to get flamed for this. Definitely don’t say either of those things. I also think “never talk about body size” is a strange rule, but I’m Black and we don’t have to the same judgment/morality angle about weight gain and loss than other people seem to.

      Start replacing junk snacks with healthy foods, and start doing active things as a family. Hiking, bike riding, pool time, whatever. Her weight will change over her life. Your goal should be working on health as a family.

      1. I know this is off-topic, but I grew up in a very black / islands immigrant / southern black diaspora area. I’m white. I often remind myself that my black schoolmates had no issues dressing fashionably, going to prom, and smiling every day and my white peers were where I heard things like “thigh gap,” etc. I’m glad I got a different vision of how to live happy in your own skin when I was younger.

        1. I’m glad I had that too. I went to a predominately white school starting in middle school, and I was shocked at how white moms talked to my friends about their bodies. There was a vibe that being a good, worthwhile person included having a certain figure or staying under a certain weight.

    7. I would say something very directly but I feel like that’s the culture I grew up in where parents are direct be it your weight not being up to par or your grades or whatever. Now I wouldn’t be mean about it like my parents would have been. But very direct as in – look you’re 160 at only 5’6″ and only age 14, you need to work on it now because this won’t get better with age. Then have her come up with a work out plan that she wants to do – doesn’t much matter what it is; it doesn’t have to be traditional boring workouts; if she’ll ride her bike daily that’s way better than some exercise class she’d do once and get bored of. And then honestly I’d monitor that she does it like homework until it becomes automatic.

      I know talking to the pediatrician is always a big thing for parents, but IDK do teens really care what some dr says? Maybe it’s just be but I never cared likely because it’s not like I had some bestie relationship with the pediatricians; like I barely wanted to speak to them about why I was there let alone any “life” issues.

        1. Disagree. White culture dances about weight in a way that others don’t and know we aren’t all messed up because our moms mentioned that we were getting chunky.

          1. I’d tend to agree honestly. There is a balance, but American culture and HAES has veered too far in the opposite direction. You can convey the message that being a healthy weight is more, well, healthy, attractive, functional, and freeing, while not going so far as to say it defines your worth or should be a source of shame.

          2. “You can convey the message that being a healthy weight is more, well, healthy, attractive, functional, and freeing”

            Except none of this is universally true. Don’t project your own body-image problems onto others.

      3. I started puberty very early and had the same body as this girl – and I was perfectly healthy. Was my adult size in 7th grade. But I hated my body. Wish I could’ve had her attitude.

      4. I started puberty very early and had the same body as this girl – and I was perfectly healthy. Was my adult size in 7th grade. But I hated my body. Wish I could’ve had her attitude.

    8. This is my current height and weight. I know I’m not as small as I used to be but honestly? I don’t feel “big” at all and its super weird to think there are women out there looking at me and thinking I’m fat. (And fat is beautiful!) but I’m not even plus sized so honestly didn’t think anyone but those with weight/food issues of their own would think I fell in that category.

      1. Yeah I’m 5 6 and 200lbs and if I were 160 I’d be wearing crop tops and complaining about the chill because I was so thin. Truly disturbed a mom would act like this I thought our generation knew better. Guess not.

        1. “Truly disturbed a mom would act like this I thought our generation knew better.”

          Really, really disappointing. I understand why my Boomer mom had these body-image issues and why she didn’t know not to pass them to me. Do not understand why a Millennial mom doesn’t get this. This is absolutely a “be better than this” situation.

        2. Lol ok maybe we’re going too far here. Agree the mom shouldn’t say anything to her daughter, but people have gotten such a skewed view of appropriate body weight/shape. 160 at 5 6 isn’t brrr skinny

          1. ^^ This right here. I’m 5’6″ and got up to 160 a while back and found I couldn’t do things I liked to do as well as I wanted to do them. That was motivation enough to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t eat/drink whatever I wanted to without consequence anymore. Better to get a handle on things before it gets out of control. Dropping down from 160 took some work but wasn’t insurmountable.

          2. Oh I know! I’m just saying if I lost weight to that size, I’d be considering myself thin

          3. “Dropping down from 160 took some work but wasn’t insurmountable.”

            There is no health-related reason for the OP’s daughter to “drop down” from that weight, from a health perspective. As other people have pointed out, by BMI standards she is barely overweight. I am truly sorry you have body-image and self-worth issues you’ve never gotten help with; do not project those onto other people.

          4. I’m a size 4 when I’m at 160 as a 5’6 women. At least for me, that is a pretty skinny weight

          5. OP Anon – I’m not saying brr skinny (I took that non-literally from the other poster) but I’m a size 10/large (medium in stores with vanity sizing) so that just doesn’t feel fat? Like I said it’s not even plus sized.

          6. 11:59, I’m not the one who’s projecting their weight insecurities thank you very much. I know what my body can do and where I am physically most capable. Looks-wise, I probably can’t hold a candle to most of y’all don’t really care to try.

          7. I’m 160-165 at 5’7” and I’m a 6-8 in most brands, and can be as low as a 4 in loosely cut dresses. If OP feels her daughter is picking up unhealthy habits that’s one thing, but 160 at 5’6” is objectively straight-sized and the hand wringing over this makes me think some posters here have very inaccurate perceptions of what certain height/weights combos look like.

      2. Yeah I’m 5’6” and recently bumped up to 170. When I was 155-160 I felt like I was at my optimal weight. I feel a little chunky now, mostly because clothes are snug and it’s hot out but I don’t feel fat.
        I can run 4 miles without stopping so 🤷🏻‍♀️

    9. Wow. She’s going to get this message loud and clear from the world, she absolutely doesn’t need to get it from her parents.

      1. And even if they’re not saying it aloud she’s probably getting the message subconsciously from her parents.

      2. She’s probably not going to get it from the world. Commenters on this thread are saying they’d be “thin” at that height and weight. Sorry no, they wouldn’t be. Americans are just so used to people being overweight, it’s kind of the norm now. OP, I wouldn’t say anything to your daughter but limit the sugary drinks and snacks for the whole family and maybe start doing some active family activities.

        1. I’m sorry, but you are so wrong. Media and society absolutely still send terrible messages about weight, even if our culture in this country is slowly starting to improve.

        2. Well, no, even by “European” perceptions, she still would be perceived as “average”-sized. Depending on where she carries weight, 5’6′ and 160 is a 6-8 in US sizing and an 8-10 in European sizing. The average European woman is a size EU 40/US 8. She isn’t model-skinny but that height/weight combo would be perceived as straight sized outside of America too.

          1. 5’6″ and 160lbs is a size large in Europe. I’m taller but this is pretty much exactly my sister’s size and I can never buy her anything smaller than a large. When you travel in Europe you can tell the Americans before you even hear them based on size. Obesity is an increasing issue is Europe as well but nowhere near the same level as the US. It’s just a more active lifestyle. You aren’t even allowed to drop kids to school by car at the elementary school in DH’s home town – kids having to either take the public bus, walk or bike to school from age 7. There is not even parking for guests, only limited staff parking.

          2. Ok…that doesn’t change that fact that the average European woman is an EU 40, which is about where the OP’s daughter would most likely be. So the snobbery around “she’s only not-overweight by American standards” is inaccurate. She’s not thin but she would not be out of place among a group of average European women.

          3. The average young adult woman (18-29y) where I live in Scandi is about 150-152 pounds and 5-6 or 5-7 tall.
            Two thirds in this group has a «normal» BMI below 25.
            Only 10 percent is considered obese, but very few severly so.

    10. I would focus on having healthy meals and snacks around your house for the entire family (without singling out your daughter), and also encourage activity for the family over all to the extent possible (hikes, bike rides, walks after dinner, etc.). I realize this is harder with teenagers since they are naturally not at home all the time and/or willing to participate in family activities, but I would still say it is worth a shot.

      Beyond that, I would also confidentially ask your pediatrician if she has any thoughts or concerns. Kids grow at different rates and weight often fluctuates during puberty.

    11. Say nothing. Make sure there is healthy food in the house, encourage/model being active, and let her be herself. The only thing I would do is eliminate liquid calories in the house–Americans in general drink too much fruit juice, soda, etc. Make interesting iced teas with mint in them, citrus waters in glass carafes, etc. She will still buy them out of the house, but talk about hydrating, alternatives to drinking sugar, making interesting teas and coffees, and moving away from drinking calories. This can be done without discussing her weight.

    12. What would I do? I wouldn’t tell her she’s fat, but I would make sure that I wasn’t providing liquid calories, sweets and junk food in the house. Unless she’s old enough to be walking/driving to get that stuff on her own you should be able to limit it. And if you’ve established the expectation in your household that you will have soda, sweets and junk food around then it’s on you that “her eating habits” are impacting her size.

    13. Be a mom. If you’re worried about her health get her get into exercising through an activity she enjoys and make sure there is only healthy food in the house. Don’t have sugary junk food around or “liquid calories.”

      DON’T shame her for her weight. I’ve been skinny my whole life and have been unhealthy while still thin. Others are heavier than her weight and incredibly healthy. Think about health and healthy habits ONLY, and leave the aesthetics-focused shaming at the door.

    14. As a 5’4″ 160 pound person, my size in most brands is a 6 / Small. Yes, I am overweight, but I have *none* of the life limitations that go with it. My health stats are perfect, I fit neatly in airline seats, can perch on antique furniture with ease, and guess what? When I moved into an workplace that had middle-aged people, I’m usually the quote-unquote thinnest person in the room.

      If you didn’t know how much your daughter weighed in pounds, would you still think she is not-thin? I propose that you never look at her scale again. Part of being a mid-teenager (?!) is that she gains some privacy and autonomy with her body.

      And a total aside, but it’s probably time she moves on from a pediatrician to a family doctor/gynecologist combo.

      1. I’m 5-4 and 130 pounds. I am a size 6, and have in some brands size 8 hips. I don’t know where I’d put 30 more pounds in my current clothes.

        1. Body composition matters. I am 20 pounds more than my pre-pandemic self, but wearing a lot of the same clothes now because I have muscles. I was skinnyfat before. Honestly, I look better in my clothes despite the heavier weight.

        2. I’m trying to read this comment as anything other than “you must be a bigger size than you say you are, because that’s my size and you would be way too big for my clothes.”

        3. No Face has guessed it; my legs are naturally muscular and I am naturally bu$ty. The weight is spread over my whole length and not concentrated at my hips and waist.

        4. I’m 5’4 and 135, got up to 150 during a stressful season at work a few years back. I never wore anything bigger than a size 6 at my heaviest, and I’m now a Size 6 in designer, mall brand 2 or 4. I’m trying to add muscle but I gain weight in my rear, thighs, and my stomach last plus my shoulders and hips are very narrow so I look more slender. It’s very dependent on body composition. My friends were shocked when I told them I was at 150 and trying to lose weight, my face was fuller but I was still ‘slim’. I’d probably have a more pronounced belly at 160 but I’d still fit into straight sizes.

        5. It depends a lot on what brands you buy. Old Navy has ridiculous vanity sizing to the point where the sizes are not even meaningful. Theory, Boden and similar brands are more true to size. A size 6 at Old Navy is like a 10 in Theory.

        6. How, though? I’m 5’8″. When I’m 160 pounds, I’m still hovering around a size 12. The only time I’ve fit into a size 8 was when I was dieting too much and was getting emaciated. Body composition is just wild.

          2. I’m 5’2″ and can still fit into some size 6 clothing when I’m 160lb. I’d say I’m a 6/8 at 160lb. Some size 8 clothing is too big, and anything 8/10 is too big. Maybe being short just means being smaller? But that’s also less room to spread the weight around? I dunno.

          4. I am your height and a few pounds lighter (like five), and a size 6. It’s muscle. Postpartum, I weighed about the same but was two or three dress sizes bigger.

          5. 5’6″, 140 and relatively fit. I am size 8-10 in Talbots or Levis (both of which have maintained pretty consistent sizing over the years). A 4 or 6 in most brands, if I could even get them on, would look like a sausage casing on me.
            1:14 Anon, I think you’ve probably summed it up well.

        7. I’m 5’4 and 158 lbs, I wear a banana republic size 6 and have a 27 inch waist. Muscle mass matters as does body shape.

          1. This. It truly blows my mind that adults still can’t understand that body composition and the fat/muscle ratio influences how your body appears, vs. simply looking at height and weight. That’s why BMI is often worthless. I’ve been 5’8″ 125lbs and 5’8″ 165lbs and shared some of the same looser fitting clothes and had pants within 1 size difference (sizes 4 and 6). The weight change came from healing disordered eating habits, going all in on Crossfit and weightlifting, building muscle, and generally developing more in my hips and chest (I was a late bloomer in my 20s). It’s frustrating reading clothing reviews where women often only note their height/weight or sometimes just their weight when commenting on how clothes fit. It’s fairly useless information.

      2. Yeah sorry but that’s just vanity sizing. And being the thinnest person in the room doesn’t mean much in a country where 74% of adults are overweight.

        1. I honestly don’t think that a person who is 5-4 and 160# is a size 6. I have two middle school girls who are active and I know their sizes. They are a women’s XS and a women’s S. I’m a lot less fit than they are and my body composition is less lean. I was not even 160# at 9 months pregnant with kid #2. I don’t think I’m “skinnyfat” now, just not a varsity athlete now that I have a desk job. I know that body composition can differ widely with people, but I think sometimes we kid ourselves easily in a country where most adults are overweight and many are obese. T2 diabetes and worn-out joints are no joke. A long life needs good fuel and good habits and if you are failing on those fronts at any size, your body may not hold up well as you age. I don’t really care about size as long as you are loving your body and treating it well and it lets you do what you want to do. But co-morbidities of excess size are real and habits are changeable things if you are so inclined. I used to work as an actuary and the mortality of rampant untreated T2 diabetes with mulitiple organ system failures was sobering and ought to be more widely known so that people can make good health (vs vanity) decisions.

          1. I thought the evidence at this point was that people’s blood sugar and insulin issues are typically the cause of their weight gain rather than weight gain causing the issues, though type 2 diabetes can be very hard to manage without eating an almost antisocially atypical diet.

            My own experience was that I started to gain weight, and my doctor told me to eat more low fat whole grains (the food pyramid, basically) and fewer rich foods. When I actually started testing blood sugar, it turned out that foods like oatmeal and whole grain bread were spiking my blood glucose just as badly as a donut. And if that led to an insulin spike, then the only way to keep from going hypo was to eat again!

            I think people do try, but there’s a lot of conflicting information about what healthy eating habits even look like, and “moderation in everything” can be surprisingly bad advice.

          2. @12:34 – blood sugar and insulin are caused by bad diet. The fact that a healthy diet is considered “antisocially atypical” is really disturbing. Just eat salads and fruit – no one cares.

          3. Anon at 3:19, a bad diet worsens diabetes, but does it cause it? Can people just eat enough sugar to burn out their pancreases? Maybe, but I didn’t think the research was that strong.

            And you clearly haven’t seen what fruit does to my blood sugar. If you really want people to manage their blood sugar with diet alone, a lot of people with impaired blood glucose control will not being eating fruit, pasta, bread, cereal, potatoes, the list goes on and on. Some people really struggle to eat that differently from people around them.

        2. What is the point of this discussion about who is a “true” size whatever, due to which factors, in what brands?

          1. I think that people are reacting to “160 is a women’s small” and it just isn’t. Unless maybe you are a high school athlete who lifts every day and is also tall. A sendentary teen or woman eating a junky diet is likely not that person.

          2. The point that you are totally missing, Anon, is that different people are different sizes at different weights! Even if they are the same height. That’s how bodies work.

          3. 160 is a small at many of the lower priced chain stores – that’s exactly why this country is so messed up on health and weight issues. There are literally people with high BMIs who are thinking they are fine because the label says ‘small’.

            I was once waiting for a flight at an airport and I overheard two guys talking about how they were moving the clothing line from 5/7/9 sizing to 4/6/8 sizing because people want to feel like they fit smaller sizes. They were literally just debating if the 7 should be a 6 or a 4. JCrew also did this in the early 2000 when they introduced the 0 and 00.

          4. Who cares, though? Someone posted that this is their weight, and they wear a size small. First that person was accused of lying about her clothing size (again, who cares), and now we’re talking about generally what weight people are at what clothing size? What does this have to do with health?

          5. I swear I didn’t mean to start a firestorm, haha. I’m also not sure why my remarking on clothing size set people off – it was just supposed to nudge people towards thinking about how the number on the scale can look very different on different bodies and that knowing that number may be coloring what OP thinks about her daughter’s size.

            And I don’t want to feed the fire, but the “lower priced chain store” (man, the classism with that statement) I most recently ordered from is in fact J Crew. I know they have vanity sizing, but that doesn’t mean my 28 jeans have any moral significance or society-level meaning. They’re just the pants that fit me!

        3. Why are you so invested in telling a stranger on an anonymous message board that their self perception or that their clothing size is wrong?

      3. I am 5’4 and 161lbs and I am a size 10-12. I am very fit and active and eat relatively healthy and don’t drink. I am adding to this conversation only to say that these numbers don’t matter. 160lbs is different on everyone and I would not put any stock in them in evaluating your daughters (or anyone else’s) health.

        1. But OP is saying that her daughter isn’t eating healthy like you are which is why she is asking for advice. It doesn’t matter if she is 150lbs, 160lbs, or 170lbs, filling up on sugary drinks and snacks isn’t healthy.

    15. I’m going to start with the assumption that you’re a mom concerned about her daughter and trying to figure out what to do about it. Hat tip to you. I suggest taking a different approach, however.
      I’m one of the few women I know who has zero body image issues. And I attribute that to my mom’s focus on strength and health (physical and mental) rather than weight. She never talked about my weight, which is significantly higher than hers and has been since I was a pre-teen; she is a much smaller woman than I am at a healthy weight.
      I would modify your rule about not talking about bodies to talking positively about bodies of people who appear to be very healthy. And professional athletes such as WNBA players, soccer players, etc. can be great examples. My body looks a lot like Lindsey Vonn. Some people might think she is huge because she weighs so much. But she is tall and muscular; muscle is beautiful and heavy. I think she looks great. I agree with the idea that we don’t bash our own bodies and we don’t ridicule overweight people. But I think there can be a lot of body positive conversations.
      Second, I suggest changing the food that’s in the house. I wouldn’t say anything and I wouldn’t do it all at once. When the yummy but unhealthy foods are there to eat, people will eat them and usually in excess because they’re designed to make us eat in excess. Remove the sugar and liquid calories from the house and help all family members replace those with better options. It’s better for their bodies today and it will be in the future. Yes, they’re going to complain. Perhaps instead you and DD or your family goes out for a weekly ice cream date (for example). It’s more expensive, but ice cream should be a once in awhile thing and a treat. I suggest returning it to that status as opposed to an everyday part of everyone’s diet.
      I think you can do a lot of positive messaging. Your kids may respond and they may not. All you can do is try to positively influence the result.

      1. This is fantastic advice. My mom is really healthy and also quite thin. When I was a teen I was a little overweight. It bothered me a lot, especially in a family full of much thinner people. My mom made some direct comments about my weight that she thought were helpful but that still sting 30 years later. Those comments didn’t help me even when they were framed as “i don’t care what you weigh i just want you to be healthy,” because it was always clear to me that i was too big in her eyes and that hurt. That said, after I spent my 20s eating junk food, I found that in my 30s I turned back to the actually helpful habits my mom modeled when I was growing up – eating fresh, cooking simple balanced meals, prioritizing some activity, drinking water. I’m really healthy as are all of my siblings and I think a large part of that is that while my mom’s comments weren’t helpful, being fed healthy foods and being taught how to prepare and appreciate healthy foods really helped me in the long run. We all as adults cook our meals, have balanced diets, and eat tons of different fruits and veggies, and remain very active. All that to say – modeling and creating a healthy household can in my experience give your kids tools to use their entire lifetimes; talking about weight or bringing up the topic of healthy eating so much it is clear you are concerned about body size will probably backfire.

        I think it’s good for a mom to be concerned about health of their kids and I think it is awesome you are asking for some guidance in dealing with a potential health issue for a kid. Weight gain can turn into a problem and I know from experience it isn’t easy to reverse when it starts in high school. But you can only model and give access to good habits, and I think your concerns about speaking up regarding something so sensitive are dead on and counsel in favor of doing rather than telling.

    16. If she’s happy with how she looks, there’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to interfere with how feeling about she looks!

      You have no idea how hard or easy it would be for her to lose weight. I think a confidential discussion with the pediatrician may be a good idea. The pediatrician can address your concerns and may choose to order labs relevant to changed eating habits especially if there are any other new symptoms associated with puberty. Sometimes a habit of eating more carbs, sugar, and liquid calories is actually a medical symptom, but the pediatrician should know. (For example as a teen I ended up with both hypothyroidism and PCOS with insulin resistance, which absolutely did change my eating habits. But of course I also had other symptoms like PMS and feeling chilled easily.)

      If you do the grocery shopping, you can always make changes in how you shop for the entire family. Summer can be a good time to eat more seasonal fruit and less sugary desserts, for example. Everyone benefits from eating lots of nutritious food. But don’t single her out.

    17. my mom had your attitude and acted on it. while my weight has waxed and waned over the years depending on age and stress and habits, what has not changed is never wanting to go on vacation with my parents as an adult if I weigh more than 125 pounds at 5’6 (hint: I do), because I know my mom is judging the size of my thighs in a swimsuit given the last time she complimented my figure vs just eyed me appraisingly.

      Get the unhealthy food out of the house – particularly beverages – but saying something like “you’re not thin, you’re chunky” will backfire spectacularly.

    18. I understand your concern, but think you need to play a long game here. Your daughter is 5 lb away from being normal BMI, and presumably has no real health issues, so her weight is not an emergency. And, objectively, she is thin, by which I mean thinner than most. I’m the same height and at that weight I would probably be a size 8 in mall sizes – still much smaller than the average woman. To be honest I didn’t reach a healthy BMI until my 30s, when WeightWatchers transformed my eating habits. I’d touch base with her pediatrician and see what he or she recommends. When your kids go to college their food environment will change drastically and they will all need to have good habits in place. Even kids with a normal BMI can gain a lot in the first year away from home.

      1. Normal weight range for 5’6″ is 117lbs to 143lbs so it’s more than 15lbs not just 5lbs. 15lbs is not a small amount of weight.

          2. I think it’s a matter of, “Is >24 but <25 part of 'normal' or 'over'?". IDK the answer to that, but definitely think the OP of this thread is getting piled on unnecessarily. We Americans need to get our ish together and be honest with ourselves about our habits. We've gotten way to soft and complacent (in many ways, not just weight), so I'm glad OP is thinking about steps she can take, hopefully with her family, to do better.

        1. I’d draw the distinction between aesthetic discussions of weight (thin/fat) and health discussions (normal/overweight bmi). The daughter may not be at a normal but she still looks thin compared to the rest of the population.

        2. It actually is objectively fairly thin for the US. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy, but health isn’t closely correlated to BMI and should be considered separately.

    19. Your daughter has a positive body image, and you want to take her down a peg. Big yikes. I wouldn’t ‘do nothing’. I do some introspection and explore why you had these thoughts in the first place.

    20. A lot of girls gain weight as they approach puberty. Both my daughters gained weight then had their final growth spurt and slimmed down. But even if that is not what is happening with your daughter, I would absolutely not say anything at all. Just focus on healthy eating as a family. We let our kids pick a drink and snack (usually those terrible hot chips haha) once a week when we go grocery shopping. The rest of the week, they snack on fruits, vegetables, nuts, dried seaweed, cheese cubes, etc. I make sure to have healthy snacks easily accessible–veggies already washed and cut in the fridge, snack packs of nuts portioned out, things like that. I also make sure most of our meals are healthy so that when they aren’t home and are out eating junk, it balances out. Then I try and make sure some of our family time is spent being active–I don’t frame it that way to the kids, but I just try and make it fun. Let’s go hiking to that waterfall we all love, let’s rent stand-up paddle boards this weekend, let’s go on a bike ride and we can get frozen yogurt from the little shop in the way back. We also got a puppy and that helps keep everyone active because he needs to be walked and played with a lot haha.

    21. Personally, I would do two things. The first is I would help my entire family understand the importance of being strong and fit. This isn’t necessarily about weight, but weight loss and muscle mass will follow. I emphatically believe it’s so important to develop strength at any age to be able to do things for yourself. Secondly, I would slowly introduce healthy options into the drinks and snacks available for the entire family. Sugary drinks shouldn’t be banned, but should be positioned as a treat.

      I don’t think you should tell your daughter she is fat, but I wouldn’t lie to her either. I think when you lie, especially to family, about things they know aren’t true, you lose credibility and they won’t listen to you when something important comes up.

    22. I think not addressing it as a weight problem but a health problem— “I’m worried you are/we are (depending if it’s a whole family issue) eating too much sugar”/ share resources on why added sugar is so bad like watching the That Sugar Film is the way to go. Agreed with other posters saying “you’re not thin” can’t go well. If her habits are good now— active now that sports are happening again etc— I wouldn’t even touch the weight issue. I don’t agree with other posters to do nothing, though, because you’re right that that height/weight isn’t as healthy as she could be.

          1. That’s not it. It’s that saying “I’m worried about your health” to someone who has no health problems will interpret this as “your body is too large to be pleasing to society.” Other posters who experienced this message as teenagers have spoken to this. Plus that’s exactly what the OP would mean, and that’s exactly what the daughter would pick up on.

    23. I mean I think if she has unhealthy habits (e.g., liquid calories, too much sugar, not enough vegetables/stuff with nutrients, not enough activity) I think you should address those. I think establishing healthy habits will be a lifelong benefit for a lot of things, to include mental health. That will probably address the weight issue, and honestly even if it doesn’t then it doesn’t really matter.

      1. This. And I think it’s super telling you haven’t come back to this thread. I hope you are embarrassed.

        1. I hope so too, but so many posters here have such a low level of self-awareness that I’d be surprised if that were the case.

    25. I would not say anything to your daughter. What I might do is say something to the family about resetting some bad pandemic habits, or just incorporating changes into the household’s food and activity. Your daughter does not need to work out or exercise or make a weekly activity chart she is required to check off for your benefit to get those pandemic pounds off. She needs to get out in the world and live and explore and go places/do things/take up hobbies or sports again. You all do. Your daughter does not need to start cutting calories to get those pounds off, the whole family needs to reset its thinking about food because you’ve fallen into some bad habits due to the pandemic lifestyle in which you may have let some things slip/been a little lackadaisical about food choices/relied on processed and comfort food a bit too much. And I would talk to each of my family members about exactly how they are feeling about the pandemic and about moving forward.
      My mother never talked to me about weight — mine, hers, my sister’s, really anyone’s. It was amazing for my self-esteem for most of my young adult years. In high school I had a devastating medical issue that left me unable to do the minimum for several months, much less compete in sports that season or the next. (I was advised by doctors to stay home from school for weeks (but fought it) because it was a challenge just to climb the flight of steps up to the school’s second floor!) It was absolutely devastating when my sports coach told me the next fall that a family member had mentioned to him that I would likely not be competitive that year because I had gotten extremely fat (I think I gained 7 lbs so was probably 125-135 don’t recall exactly). You know what no one did? All winter, summer, or fall? No one asked me if I thought I was in fighting shape to perform in a sport I loved after a bump in the road. No one acknowledged the physical toll I had taken. No one asked me if I thought there were things I could do to undo the harm from being sick. No one told me they wanted to be sure I had what I needed to be my best self again. They gossiped about my weight gain behind my back and then I heard about it and even when I confronted the family about it, the response was “Well, you did get kind of fat and all we were doing is giving the coach reasonable expectations that you were going to be dragging.” Then I gained weight in college. Only other women’s parents talked about my weight then, and I could easily blow that off even though it was disgusting and their own daughters were anorexics. I took the weight off shortly after, by my own choice, and got praise for that but it felt okay because I was the one focused on it and open about that.
      Then I stopped exercising in law school and started antidepressants and a fair amount of drinking in my 2L year and went up to 130/135 (still not big!!). My mother took one unflattering picture of me sitting down and bent over and specifically took it out months later at a holiday to show my sister (who was bigger than me!!!) how fat I had gotten. It was the first time ever in 26 years I had heard my mother comment on my weight and I was devastated and have held it against her and my sister ever since. I do not pose in pictures on vacation or any other time in the 20 years since. You know what no one did? No one asked if I was okay after a devastating breakup. No one asked if the stress of law school was getting to me. No one counseled me on alternatives when I told them I couldn’t go to the school gym because I attracted an unwanted audience of classmates (law students are the.worst). No one asked if I needed counseling or if they could be more supportive when they knew I was struggling. (Quite the opposite, I was told to “get over” the breakup and that antidepressants meant I was a failure.)
      My point with the anecdotes is that if you have made a point not to talk about her body until now, good for you, and she is going to really take note if you start now. Focus on health and her mental well-being after a lifestyle-changing/somewhat traumatic event. Be her mother and get to the real issues. She will get the messaging about weight from other places, including when she goes to a doctor on her own and they start telling her how to eat, what to stop eating, and how much to exercise, even without any negative health markers. The weight may or may not come off, but her well-being and your relationship will be intact.

      1. TL DR: Don’t let the lesson here be “We don’t talk about bodies until I decide there is something wrong with one of them.” And talk to your daughter about any issues/circumstances that are manifesting in/resulting in weight gain rather than the weight gain itself. In this case, find out how the pandemic hit her, how puberty hit her, if anything else is going on, and what changes she might want to make now that life is going to be different. Do that even if she loses all the weight tomorrow.

    26. I have a slightly younger child who is also pretty heavy for his height. When we went to the pediatrician, she emphasized healthier eating and getting more physical activity when she talked to all of us at the end of the visit. Maybe make some of those changes since school is out (or about to be out)?

      I wouldn’t directly address the fact that she’d said she was thin to her siblings – kids aren’t stupid and they equate “thin” with “good” because of the emphasis on weight in our society. That sounds like sibling trash-talking to me.

      1. When I was around 10-11, I got a little round before I hit puberty and my mom did NOT handle it well. She got obsessed with what I was eating, threatened to put me on a diet if I hit a certain weight, and told me that she was scared I’d wind up “fat like my father.” While I didn’t wind up with a full-blown eating disorder, it turned into a big power struggle, even after I grew a few inches and was quite thin by any measure.

    27. So I’m going to assume you mean this out of love, and you’re right – objectively, she is overweight. She is not thin. But not being thin doesn’t mean she’s fat either, or that she’s overweight enough that she’s going to have health issues. Her BMI is 25.8. If her doctor is concerned, sure, talk about weight, but otherwise, I’d leave it.

      I’m 5’9″ and I was 165 lbs in high school. I’m now 33 and I weigh 157 as of this AM – so, at my height, a really minor change. In high school I thought I was SO HUGE. In hindsight, I was on the heavier side of healthy, but it was really that I had hit my “adult” body before my classmates, while they still had much narrower hips. I also sucked at sports involving balls, so that 8 lbs fell off pretty gradually when I started spin classes and pilates as an adult, while a lot of my classmates were doing soccer 4x a week. I went to a reunion a few years back, and while I looked more or less the same, a lot of my classmates had gained A LOT of weight since high school – not that that’s a criticism, but as soon as they stopped sports 4 days a week and grew hips, they looked a lot more like what I looked like, give or take a bit. I just was that shape much earlier than they were.

      I say all this to say, unless her doctor is concerned, just leave it. I’m not going to be like other posters and say any of the weights we’re talking about make us “thin”, but not being thin is not the same as being fat – there’s a whole range of healthy “normal” weights in the middle of those two, and that’s where it sounds like your daughter is.

    28. She really isn’t fat, her BMI is just a hair into overweight territory. I would ignore it. My answer would be different if she were obese.

    29. Wow the comments are so harsh. I think your intention is in the right place in wanting to assess if you should do anything and to get feedback to consider how best to approach this, if at all. I also think you are probably concerned about her trajectory, not necessarily where she is now, and that you are aware of the possibility of body image issues if you say the wrong things. I agree with others to not mention that your daughter is not thin, but I also agree with some of the others that focusing on a healthy lifestyle (like limited or no sodas) and walking/exercise is a great idea, and to monitor this going forward from a health perspective. No one mentioned the doctor but to me, a the doctor mentioning to her at her regular check up that she is at the higher end of BMI and educating her would be useful for her just to be aware. I would have appreciated my family focusing more on health when I was younger so that I could work to establish healthy habits.

        1. Yes because it is still recommended by every public health agency in basically every developed country as a solid guideline to gage overall healthy. An unhealthy person can be in normal range and someone in the overweight range can have good results on their blood and cardio test if they are active but for the general population, it is still broadly accepted as a good general tool.

          1. Well, we all know now what public health agency recommendations are worth. I’ll stick with the recommendations of actual medical science.

      2. +1

        Worry about trajectory was my takeaway as well. That is very legitimate, and can be about setting good habits that will serve her a lifetime.

        Limiting sugary drinks, as a family, would be a no-brainer for me. That will benefit everybody, whatever weight.

    30. She probably knows she’s not a Barbie doll, but you should be glad she feels good in her skin. A lot of teenagers, even skinny ones, worry about their body being too this or too that. I do understand that it’s easier to lose weight and maintain it when you’re young, but as a parent, you don’t do this by telling her she needs to lose weight, you do this by encouraging healthy habits. Growing up, most dinners were pre-portioned and if we wanted seconds we had to pop into the kitchen to grab the leftovers. Only special meals like holidays and birthday meals were served family-style. You could also plan physical activities for the whole family this summer, like hiking and kayaking.

    31. Honestly I’d be most concerned about the apple shape, because abdominal fat is the most dangerous. Does the pediatrician do bloodwork for insulin resistance etc.?

    32. I’d assume there is some sort of medical issue at play and have the pediatrician investigate.

    33. I do not understand all of these comments horrified by helping your child have a better life by cutting off a problem early on. I would have her pediatrician speak to her at her next physical. They will show the height and weight curve and advise of a sensible plan. This is a medical issue. Good luck!!

      1. The OP’s daughter does not have a health issue. People are horrified because the OP is intent on disabusing her daughter of the notion that her body is fine as it is, when the daughter currently does not have any obvious issues with her body. The OP wants to bully her daughter into seeing her body as less than acceptable. That is horrifying.

      2. It’s not necessarily a medical issue though. I have a similar, slightly overweight (though quite a bit younger) child and our pediatrician does not feel it’s an issue that needs to be addressed specifically and maybe not ever. Her advice is just a general focus for the entire family on moving more and eating more healthy food. I agree that at the point the pediatrician feels it’s an issue, it’s (by definition) a medical issue. But nothing in the OP suggested there was a medical problem, and I think it’s really horrible for your mom to tell you “hey guess what you’re not thin anymore, you’re fat” even if it’s true. To say the ped will show her the growth charts and tell here there’s a problem I think is a big leap (though I agree it’s better than mom talking to her). My understanding is that many pediatricians do not feel it’s appropriate to talk to a child this way unless their weight is totally out of control.

    35. People are being super harsh here but I can see the concern: if she’s gaining and she’s right on the edge of overweight, and in her early teens, this is often when lifelong habits that are incredibly hard to break set in. It’s also harder (much harder) to lose weight than to maintain an average weight body. 160 isn’t scary but if it’s the start of a *pattern* you’re right to be a tad worried.

      Having said that:

      –Open a dialogue about the “thin” remarks. Under what circumstances is that remark happening? I’d try without judgement to find the root cause. Is it just typical teen banter and nonsense or is it a bid for reassurance or something else? Next time you hear that maybe later on when things are relaxed, I’d very gently dig in–“I heard you talking about your body size the other day, I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling?”

      –Like others have said, focus on what you DO want for your kid: healthy body, healthy mind and healthy relationship with food. Make meals together, do meal planning and prep and make it “mom and daughter time”. Do streaks on healthy habit apps. (Not calorie counter, but steps or workout “rings” on the Apple watch).

      Get rid of junk food and liquid calories, and replace with fun low cal high nutrient drinks. Easy win.

      Encourage movement that feels good–maybe a mom and daughter yoga class or Pilates or something that feels very grownup and sophisticated and is just “for us girls” or whatever.

      Reframe sugar and simple carbs as treats/occasional foods and gently put a button on that “Hey, as a treat, let’s get a hot chocolate, what do you think?”

      Grab some beautiful cookbooks like Eat Clean Play Dirty or MoonJuice–make it fun to pour over those together and make shopping lists and test out those fun “whole food/clean eating” recipes together. Basically make healthier choices indulgent and more of a ritual and a treat.

      I think people on this forum are VERY judgmental and I’m surprised at the tone of these remarks personally, but also be wary–don’t set up your daughter for a lifetime of body hate like so many of us Baby Boomers, Gen X and Millennials were by our well meaning but rather warped parents.

  9. At some point with your parents/inlaws’ aging and aging related bickering, did you or DH ever step back and say not my problem? How do you know when you’re at that point? DH and I each deal with our own parents but having known both sides since age 16, we do think of all of them as OUR parents.

    MIL/FIL fight CONSTANTLY. FIL constantly wants to discuss how he’s feeling as he’s aged and weak though having seen many drs, all say tests are fine – he’s still seeing a few more specialists. After like 3-5 years of hearing it + doing EVERY task at home, MIL is over it and yells at him and is pretty rude to him; then with DH and I 50% of the time she complains about he needs to get over it/push himself/she’s going to stop doing everything for him. And then 50% of the time it’s — I’m really worried about him, he doesn’t seem right. FWIW I’ve known them since we were 16 – FIL will not push himself; he’s exhausted, headaches etc. but if you so much as suggest some stretching or gentle walking in the yard to stay conditioned or sitting and chopping some vegetables to help MIL, he won’t do it/will shut down.

    What drives us crazy is they will do NOTHING to make their own lives easier. Cleaning lady comes 2x/month, have her come 4x/month, nope it’s too much work for MIL to prep for her – even if DH and I pay. Stop cooking full meals from our culture and get more takeout, eat some convenience foods and easier to cook American foods – nope. Get FIL a shower chair – he refuses that one but gets upset when he’s too tired to shower. Move into a 55+ community where there’s more help like someone taking out the trash to the curb – nope. Build a downstairs master – oh no we’re not going to spend that kind of money (they claim to have the money; DH and I can’t do that one for them). We love them but DH and I are both at the point where it’s like, what exactly do you want us to do?? WWYD?

    Sometimes it seems the complaining + worrying is their means of conversation and they’ve forgotten how to relax even for 2 seconds (unless zoned out in front of the TV, that’s how MIL copes with her life and FIL now watches her foreign soaps too).

    2. 100% honest answer: Only talk to parents will there is a firm expiration date on the call. So much easier to handle in 10-15 minute chunks than when the complaints get fully wound up. Otherwise, I prioritize things I can fix without their input – e.g., just amazon the shower chair and he can refuse to use it, or claim to have bought too much at Costco to put convenience food in their house. I’m with them that a downstairs master is a construction headache, so the real question is when they need a new house not renovations.

    4. WWYD? Take a break from their company long enough that their admittedly annoying habit was not top of my mind and I was able to listen with whatever combination of politeness and grace was called for. And I would stop making suggestions since they aren’t receptive. Your parents’ biggest need right now is friendly companionship, which you are in a good position to meet. So focus on providing that!

    5. I’ve gotten really good at cutting my mom off and chirping, “I have to go now!” whenever she rambles for too long or starts talking politics. She knows I love her and will talk about other things when I’m more receptive.

      But there’s absolutely nothing you can do here. People age in their own way. Your ILs have chosen to be grumpy complainers. Stinks for you.

    6. You nailed it: This is their means of conversation. They don’t help and they don’t want solutions. They just want to complain. What to they want you to do? Listen and make sympathetic noises. So do that, only to the extent you can stand it.

    7. Stop being so involved in their lives. Do you live with them or something? It seems weird that you’re so involved in their business. Just ignore it. They’re adults.

    8. Stop making suggestions. Play a game on your phone while saying “sounds tough” and “sorry to hear that” before getting off the phone, which you should do after an amount of time that works for you.

  10. What would you wear for an interview with a company in the same building as your current company but on a different floor? Wearing a full suit to my non-suit/business casual job seems very suspicious, but I can’t exactly go change in my car or the bathroom into a full suit and then go interview…with my luck I’d absolutely run into my boss.

    Would something like a sweater blazer over a more tailored business-casual dress work? I’m really stumped here…

    1. Is there a restroom on every floor in your building? I would just change into my interview outfit in the bathroom on a different floor. Like, if your current office is on 4 and the interview is on 6, I would change in the bathroom on 7 before and after the interview.

      If you really don’t want to change in a bathroom, I would wear a sheath dress and throw a blazer over it right before entering the new place’s lobby. If someone says, “Wow, you look nice!” I would say “I was so excited to fit it again that I had to wear it!”

      1. Amending my answer, because “suit” in my mind means a dress with a jacket, but obviously there are other many other options. Straight leg pants with a sleeveless or short sleeve top look business casual. You can just toss on the matching jacket on the new place’s floor.

    3. I’d wear my nicest business casual since you already work there. That’s what people do where I work.

      1. Oh scratch that, I just realized it’s a different company. I’d carry a blazer or suit jacket and put it on once you’re on the different floor.

    4. Just wear suit pants/top to work that day and carry the jacket; throw the jacket on at the last second – like in the elevator or stairwell as you head to the interview. If you feel it’s too obvious to come in wearing the suit bottom and carrying a jacket in hand, you could always take the jacket to your office and leave it there a few days prior like on your chair so that you have it on interview day but aren’t seen carrying it in.

    5. I generally wore the suit and just left off the blazer until the last moment. But as a hiring manager, I also interviewed many internal candidates, and most of them did not wear a full suit, just nicer versions of business casual. I hired several of them. So you won’t necessarily get dinged if you don’t wear the full suit.

    7. When I did this I wore a suiting dress with a matching jacket, but wore a blouse over the dress and hid the jacket for a skirt + shirt appearance. When interview time came I swapped the blouse for the jacket.

  11. Any favorite restaurants in Hollywood for a group of women on a short vacation? Happy to hear them all, but bonus if there are any that tread the line of cool and don’t break the bank (money is not a huge concern, but don’t want to do $$$$ for every single meal). Thanks!

    1. Check if you can get into Mother Wolf. It is a beautiful restaurant, and the food is delish. Can be tough to get a res though.

    2. IN Hollywood? Superba is amazing and has a gorgeous patio. Horses is a super hot restaurant right now. Musso & Frank’s is a classic, L’Antica Pizzeria de Michele is pretty, Mama Shelter hotel has a good restaurant. Running Goose is a very low key spot but I always enjoy it. There’s Rao’s and also Providence.

    1. Hippy sauce for a dip/salad, tahini, white wine vinegar, honey, chilli powder, and something else.

      1. Hummus! I have been loving homemade hummus lately. I like to drop a single chipotle in adobo in when blending, or swirl in some EBTB when it’s finished.

    3. blend into plain greek yogurt for a yummy savory dip for veggies / spread for pitas, falafel, etc.

    4. Throw some olive oil and white wine vinegar in the jar with whatever tahini remains and make a vinaigrette. Add s&p, toasted sesame seeds if you have them, a dash of garlic and onion powder.

    7. Cookie & Kate’s Lemon Tahini dressing is delicious as a dressing for salad or broccoli slaw or as a veggie dip but also as a sauce on fish or chicken.

  13. Society is more acceptable to overweight and obese kids now, and that is great. However I think there is a BIG difference between critique about weight as appearance (like hair color or nose shape) and talking about very real medical problems that come from obesity.

    I think the problem is when teenage diet habits continue and in 30-40 years, when they are past their youth, they are more likely to have htn, diabetes, hyperlipidemia, etc. Then later on osteoarthritis, venous insufficiency, and mobility issues. It’s hard to get around when your old in general, and even harder with extra weight.

    So instead of talking about weight, talk about healthy eating and food choices in relation to stemming risk for future disease. And of course ask her pediatrician to engage in this.

      1. This post is nuanced, and I happen to agree with it. Your response offers no value, and is just downright rude. Either offer a substantive rebuttal or don’t comment. The immediate reaction of dragging people’s character just because they hold a different opinion than you is unsettling.

    2. I know a number of overweight adults who have no health problems whatsoever, and a number of thin people who are dead because they were heavy drinkers, or smokers, or had other bad habits that ultimately killed them. Being overweight doesn’t automatically mean someone is unhealthy, but if you’re one of our resident physicians – totally unsurprising you’re showing up in this conversation with that perspective. Hope you don’t demonstrate the same lack of baseline understanding with your patients.

      1. I don’t think we have any physicians at all on this board, or at least none who have identified themselves as such for years. I don’t even see anyone in patient-facing health care at all other than myself.

        1. I’m a patient-facing physician but I usually just read without commenting unless there is a very specific issue, like physician-assisted death.

        2. I have no idea what profession people here are unless they somehow identify that in their comment. Most people comment without a normal handle, so I don’t know how we could know this??

        3. There have been several physicians that actively commented over the years. The one that immediately comes to mind is ECMD but I haven’t seen her in a while.

      2. Your ancedata about the people you know doesn’t outweigh all the actual scientific studies which demonstrate the health effects of excess weight. Public health recommendations are not for funsies or so diet companies makes more money, they are based on actual science. Yes it’s possible to be fit and have a higher BMI but higher BMI is still correlated with heart related issues and other issues like joint problems because it is extra weight the body is carrying. Not all thin people are healthy but they are not unhealthy for weight related reasons. Weight is only one indicator but it is a significant one that affects all body systems.

        The majority of our population is overweight or obese. Not everyone is the gym rat or runner whose muscles push them from the normal to overweight category. Fully 1/3 of the population is obese. It’s a disgrace that we put so much public health energy into covid and none into this crisis. We are a sedentary population that eats high fat and high sugar foods not a situation where the majority of people are fit and slightly overweight.

        1. Actually higher BMI is correlated with better outcomes for older people. And anyway, BMI is trash.

          1. Overweight and Obese BMI is absolutely does not produce better outcomes in elderly people. There are no studies that have made any conclusions remotely close to that.

            Because elderly people often do not eat sufficiently as they age, older people with a BMI within the higher end of the normal range generally have better outcomes.

          3. That is not true, Anon at 12:13. Obesity is never good, but older adults DO fair better at overweight BMIs. “People who start adulthood with a body mass index (BMI) in the normal range and move later in life to being overweight – but never obese – tend to live the longest, a new study suggests.” https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/02/210202085451.htm – the title is “those who gradually get overweight live longest.”

          4. More studies/articles:

            “People who are slightly overweight but not obese—as defined by their body mass index (BMI)— tend to live longer than their normal-weight counterparts, according to a new Danish study.” https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/could-a-few-extra-pounds-help-you-live-longer/

            “We must separate out the overweight category (as measured by BMI) and obesity,” said Marcia Ory, Ph.D., MPH, regents and distinguished professor with the Texas A&M Health Science Center School of Public Health, who studies factors affecting healthy aging. “We know obesity is related to many negative health outcomes like diabetes, cardiovascular disease and some cancers. But, the risks of being overweight are more debatable—especially since BMI is not a one-size-fits-all; it’s more nuanced.” https://vitalrecord.tamhsc.edu/you-asked-overweight-and-healthy/

            I’m a 40-something perimenopausal woman with a BMI of 25.4 and my doctor has expressly told me not to lose weight because I don’t have any weight-related health issues like heart disease or high blood pressure, and I’m heading into menopause and being thin increases the risk of osteoporosis.

        2. Thank you. I know people who ate garbage, drank, smoked, and still lived until 90. I know a runner who dropped dead of a heart attack at 46. That’s not a reason to drink, smoke, and not exercise.

          Americans are unhealthy, full stop. We eat worse and exercise less than people in other developed nations. It is the reason for our relatively low life expectancy. That’s the data.

        3. A lot of scientific studies demonstrate correlations of health issues with excess weight. Health conditions (and often medications!) can lead to weight gain and excess weight, so it’s important to carefully distinguish cause from effect. Some of these conditions are quite common (CDC estimates that a third of US adults have prediabetes if not diabetes, so that’s a lot of people whose weight gain may be driven by higher levels of insulin even on a balanced diet).

          I’m going to venture that joints can handle six pounds of excess weight (would we be wringing our hands if she gained six pounds of muscle?).

          1. LOL at people being overweight and it being caused by pre diabetes vs having pre diabetes because they are overweight/obese. The mental gymnastics to avoid acknowledging that the majority of people in this country eat way too much junk food everyday. Sure, the US doesn’t have an obesity epidemic, just all the other countries in the world are too skinny. It’s ‘genetics’ is the other favourite excuse as though obesity has always been endemic in this country.

          2. Anon at 12:30, it doesn’t sound as though you’ve been keeping up with the research on this. Remember that environmental factors present at the times when our grandmothers were pregnant with our mothers (even when relevant pesticides and emissions have since been banned) can impact our risk of diabetes. That’s not something that every country in the world is affected by. No, our commercial food culture is not helping, and I support OP in denormalizing liquid calories and sugary foods that don’t need to be a daily habit. But I see for myself how many people eat better than I do without therefore being thinner.

    3. What I don’t understand is why OP wasn’t doing some parenting the last few years about dietary choices? She seems to think that her daughter got to be a fatty fatso all by herself, but she’s only 14 or 15? When the pandemic started she was a tween. Where was OP to work on healthy habits then?

      1. Probably doing her job (as I recall, she’s a partner in a law firm), pandemic schooling, and parenting her other kids. Maybe she thought it would straighten itself out. Maybe she didn’t want to get obsessive about a temporary ten pounds but feels like a permanent 25+ (or whatever the number is) is worth addressing.

      2. I have one thin child and one overweight child. I feed them the exact same things. People. Have. Different. Bodies. The fat phobia on this board is disturbing, especially when it’s directed to children. And I think people hide behind ‘health’ when in reality they just don’t want an overweight kid.

        I just keep putting healthy choices in front of them both, and allowing them equal access to treats. I’m not going to deprive him of anything or single him out just because society demands a certain body type.

        1. I think the focus on bodies and thinness is apparent because as women, and especially high-earning and high-achieving women, we can’t JUST be successful – we have to be attractive/age gracefully/stylish/whatever. In addition, “looking” healthy has become a morality issue with which we judge individuals and parents. Thin, healthy-looking (*cough* thin *cough*) people are consciously and subconsciously considered to be more righteous, better humans. And if your body happens to be the kind that doesn’t do that naturally, or takes a lot of work to maintain that standard, or doesn’t budge in size despite your healthy habits, you’re not trying hard enough. (Ask me how I know).
          There are a lot of assumptions that those who are larger must be slamming back the Big Macs like crazy and be couch potatoes. Because I think naturally thinner folks need reassurance that they are living right and have better habits, and those that look different are not. Because the idea the that our body size is, to an extent, out of our control is scary. Because we like to believe we deserve our privileges, including desired body size – but unfortunately what size our body is is much more complicated than that.

          3. Thank you for saying this. So tired of feeling like I’m not trying hard enough. I can’t pass as thin, ever, but I’m also not the kind of curvy that’s glorified. I’m just a 42-year-old who has had childbearing hips since she was 16. I lift weights, but I’m still soft. I’ve been in a range of weights over my adult lifetime, and I can tell you that a) my overall body shape doesn’t change that much; b) I have healthy habits, but there have been times when I’ve gained weight seemingly overnight and it certainly DIDN’T feel within my control. I am so TIRED of feeling like my body is not good enough to exist in this society. I’m not one of the hot moms, but my health markers are stellar. So I guess I have that going for me, which is nice.

          5. Agreed! I think some folks on this board would benefit from listening to Maintenance Phase. So much of what we think of as “scientific fact” or “scientific studies” are not nearly as rigorous as we think they are. Turns out the research is only as rigorous as the researcher themselves. And bias 100% plays a part in that.

    4. You’re making a lot of assumptions. I’m fat, and have been for a long time. But if you look at my blood pressure and bloodwork, you can’t tell. I’ve never had high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other obesity related disease. I’m also active on my Peloton daily and chasing after my kids.

      “I’m concerned about your health!” is just fatshaming with a bow on it. And it doesn’t fool anyone. When’s the last time you told a skinny person you were worried about their health???

      2. Come back when you’ve have both your knees last more than the next ten years. Weight not health is the single biggest factor in joint replacement. Our bodies are only designed to carry a certain amount of weight.

        1. I know tons of people who have been fat for ten years without needing knee replacements. I get that it’s hard on knees to carry a lot of weight (though the knees don’t know whether it’s fat or muscle or a backpack, right?), but it’s not like it’s a given.

          1. The knee may not be able to distinguish the source of the load, but the source of the load will affect how the knee handles it. I promise that my knees are much better able to carry the load of my overweight body now that I’ve been lifting weights for 2 years (and my body composition has changed dramatically but not the number on the scale), than they were before that.
            But I agree that lots of overweight people manage to avoid knee replacements, or at least until much longer than 10 years.

        3. Hmmm I’m 57 and at the age where lots of my friends have had knee replacements by now. One of them is obese. The other 5-6 are normal weight – two of them are major athletes. But keep on believing in your own superiority.

          1. Yeah almost all the people I know with joint replacements have had them because they wore out their joints doing sports.

            And also, you’re mean.

          3. Right? Of the people I know who have had joint replacements, most of them have had old sports injuries and frankly wore out their bodies. Not a single one is obese.

          4. Or you know I could believe in the data on joint surgeries vs your personal ancedata.

        4. My mom’s best friend just needed a hip replacement due to osteoporosis. She’s very slender.

      3. My mother is very skinny and very unhealthy so yes, I worry about her health. My partner has also gotten very thin lately, and I am concerned about his health.

    5. This. I don’t know why we accept obesity in children and still treat underweight issues like anorexia. Both are unhealthy. Kids need a wide variety of healthy foods and regular physical activity every day. It’s important for mental and physical health. So many people brush off BMI but it is a good general guideline to determine if your weight and height are proportionate. I feel like the USA has totally lost perspective on what a normal healthy body looks like because 2/3 are overweight or obese. And I don’t mean ‘skinny’. But a body that is at the upper end of the normal end of a BMI range does not look ‘skinny’ or too thin.

      Vanity sizing is also out of control. People are claiming to be in single digit sizes while having BMIs that are clearly in the overweight category. We accept obesity and judge people are ‘too thin’ as ill even when they are in the normal weight range.

      1. Yes, I accept my obese child. He eats well and exercises daily. At some point, it’s just his body composition. I’ll be d amned if I spend his childhood fretting about his weight or making him feel bad. I love him, life is short, and his need for acceptance trumps everything else. I understand that wealthy white women are obsessed with weight. But I’m not letting it get in the way of radical love for my child.

        2. Then you are failing him. If he is eating an appropriate amount of healthy food and active for an hour daily per public health guidelines then he is not obese. Have you had his thyroid checked. If he is obese now you are setting him up for a world of health problems down the road.

          2. The mental health disorders caused from a child being told they are fat and unattractive are far more lethal than the obesity related health problems they will face decades down the road.

          3. Who hurt you? As a parent, I would absolutely be more concerned about my kid’s mental health and my relationship with them, as opposed to a problem that may or may not happen decades from now.

          4. Except they’re not. But by all means support the poster in continuing to fail their child.

            No one suggested the kid be told they are fat and unattractive – that would be cruel but it is wholly and completely unrelated to health but an obese child is a health issue whether the poster actually wants to be a parent who deals with it or not. You wouldn’t suggest they ignore an anorexic child – not sure why you think they should ignore an obese one.

          5. Anonymous did you ever stop to think leaving like 20 comments on the same post so you can make sure everyone agrees with you that this normal teenager is a fatty and that fatties are
            BAD is a you problem?

          6. I made 3 comments, none of which called the kid fat but you read what you want to hear. You’re the only one labelling the kid fat. Clearly everyone who thinks obesity is a health issue is a nutjob in your estimation.

          7. The nice thing about being mentally stable and loving is that you can feel secure in your life decisions. I’m not failing him. He’s a wonderful, happy and healthy (per his labs which we do every year) child. As long as he doesn’t grow up to be a mean-spirited, judgmental jerk who posts rude comments on the Internet, I will be satisfied. My job is to put a good person into the world. I’m sorry your parents failed at that, Anon at 12:17. But I don’t plan to.

        3. Not everyone will love him like his mother. He will get a lot of abuse in life and will be a candidate for many medical problems including cancer and diabetes. Your job as a mother is to help him be a fully functioning successful adult. Get him some medical help.

          1. You guys are unhinged. My child will not lead a loveless and abused life because he happens to have a larger body type. Get help, seriously.

          2. People are so unhinged. You sound like a great mom and your son is lucky to have you.

    6. Ha Ha! Teenagers are immortal! Threatening them with hyperlipidemia decades down the road will have no impact on their current choices.

      1. Oh, totally. Even if anything this OP was saying wasn’t totally garbage, it’s just bad advice.

    7. I don’t understand this conversation. There is a huge variety of “overweight” – just like there are lots of different ways to be “thin.” Both can be healthy and unhealthy. Body acceptance is great but there are also objective, measurable harms from being significantly overweight. I am sure this will get attacked but please notice the word significantly – not saying you must be some body ideal or that you cant be a double digit size and be healthy. These are health issues at both extremes. There is a reason that we had such high mortality rates from Covid in this country and obesity is one of the key differences between us and the rest of the world here. There is a reason type 2 diabetes has become a huge issue for teens and younger adults. This is a horrible disease that is largely preventable with proper diet. I am glad to hear of people who claim to be overweight and healthy. Good for you. That’s often not the case for many others. Statistically speaking, it’s measurably not the case in this country. The choice isn’t between do nothing no matter what and starve yourself thin.

      1. A lot of us grew up in the ’90s and were called fat or felt fat when we were objectively not so. That was the Kate Moss and Calista Flockhart era.

        So I really do understand the triggers; we felt fat as teenagers; we weigh more now; we understand how very low-fat we were then, even if we are likewise not-fat now. However, common sense has gone out the window. There are health issues that come from obesity and yes our country has a lot of very unhealthy people.

      2. Yes yes yes. People in my family have to work at staying a lower weight because we have health problems like diabetes that are directly related to weight. My mom gave us soda and junk and herself was overweight. I was maybe a little on the heavy side of normal as a kid but never what one would call fat. My parents were kind and never said anything about my weight or my siblings even tho one of my sisters was overweight always as a kid. I am glad they never said anything mean but I wish I had parents who were better at nutrition and giving us healthy food so I didn’t have to redo my own eating habits as an adult after a pre diabetes and cholesterol health scare. I was shocked simply because I had read so many stories of healthy but overweight and my diet wasn’t “that bad” and I exercised. Well I was overconsumption carbs and just eating too big portions. When I lost weight my a1c and cholesterol were normal. I also feel loads better. I lost 25 lbs so not a huge difference to make an enormous positive change to my lab results.

        1. Portion sizes are totally out of control in this country. The number of people who don’t realize that a serving of pasta is a cup or that a piece of meat should be the size of a deck of cards.

      3. Thank you for one of the first rational comments I’ve seen so far on this thread. Aesthetics and self-worth do not equal health. You can love and validate someone while still working to help them make healthier choices.

    8. But OP’s child is nowhere near obese and there is no indication there are any weight-related health issues. In adulthood, women with BMIs of ~25 actually have better outcomes than women with BMIs at the low end of the normal range. I agree if there are weight-related health issues, that’s something a parent needs to address. But it sounds like OP is just concerned her child is no longer stick thin. Puberty and getting b00bs and an a$$ can add so much weight, but it doesn’t mean a person is unhealthy or even unattractive.

      1. Not true at all. She said ghat her concern was about trajectory. So many people want to ignore the fact that if you are 160 pounds at age 15, you’re probably going to be over 200 as an adult.

        Seriously, why doesn’t everyone flaming Diana – one of the most reasonable and kind commenters here, for heavens sake! – start by honestly saying how much weight they have gained between freshman year of high school and now.

        1. I think if the 15 year old has a mature body, it’s not necessarily a bad trajectory. I gained a lot of weight between 15 and adulthood but I went through puberty really late. I got my period at 16, some girls get it as young as 9-10 these days. Fwiw, I only gained 10-15 pounds between high school graduation and now (late 30s), and most of that was in the last few years, due to a pregnancy and a pandemic. And I’m very tall so it would be more like 5 pounds on a short person.

          1. The OP has commented here for years (and I hope this doesn’t change it). While that might be an issue for some kids, I think Diana is the type to know if that is what is going on with her kid. The woman is one of the most sane and level headed people to post here. Can you explain why you think she is missing a basic concept, rather than believing that she knows the situation and is accurately reporting?

      2. Or she’s concerned that letting this go now, will lead to more difficulties.
        Diana, I would not say anything because your daughter will just resent it. Get rid of the liquid calories and try to just model healthy habits for the whole family.

      3. One thing that might be a health marker, is OP’s observation that her daughter has become apple shaped.

        I read that as concern about the weight gain being around her middle, nevermind the numbers. Weight gain mostly at the midsection can be part of metabolic syndrome, and waist circumference can be a health marker in a way that general weight gain or bigger thighs or boobs are not.

        1. I don’t think “apple shaped” means “rubber tire around the waist.” Google says ‘Typical characteristics of the apple body shape are a large bust, narrow hips and a full midsection.’ So not a super defined waist, but not necessarily a lot of belly fat, and weight can very much be carried in the breasts in an apple shape. Bodies are different and if her kid has always had this body type I don’t think it’s inherently concerning. I agree a change could be a red flag but girls bodies’ change so much with puberty I think you have to wait until your well and truly past that to make a full assessment.

          1. The key point of the apple shape is a midsection that is larger than the hips. This ratio is the one that can be dangerous, WHO has some advice that a waist thicker than 85 percent of the hip measurement is worrying for women’s health.

          2. Apple shape is a lay term, not a medical one. I’m not disputing the WHO study, but if you google “apple shape” you get loads of pictures of women (including many conventionally attractive celebrities like Drew Barrymore and Kate Winslet) who probably have very healthy bodies. I just don’t think you can put too much weight (pun intended, ha) on what is ultimately a fashion industry term, not a medical one. If the pediatrician is commenting on the child’s waist to hip ratio, then that’s a different story, but the idea that an apple shape is inherently cause for medical concern is absurd to me. (Not an apple shape fwiw)

  14. Is there any easy way to work out/gain some muscle on your forearms? I’ve been doing resistance band workouts and my biceps have some nice definition to them [the only part of my body where I easily gain muscle – this has always been the case]. But in comparison by forearms – from elbow to wrist – look even smaller. I’m generally an underweight type of person and a dr. recommended some resistance training to put on some muscle instead of fat. Any ideas of how to work out that area specifically?

    1. Anything you use grip strength for will build muscle in your forearms. If you have ever been interested in rock climbing that’s definitely the most fun option! Even if you’re not super serious about it you’ll get buff forearms from climbing.

      1. This. But be patient. It can take a while for these small muscles to grow enough to become visible.

    2. Suitcase carries and deadlifts. And rock climbing like anon at 11:15 said is super fun!

    3. Use weights instead of resistance bands. Having to hold onto the weights works your forearms. And rock climbing!

  15. Is anyone familiar with Caraway Cookware? I really like the look of it, and like the idea of the ceramic non-stick. Would be interested in any feedback on experience/quality, as it is somewhat pricey, but is on sale right now. Thanks in advance!

  16. Any other neurodivergent (or neurotypical) gals here that get overstimulated by social gatherings and then can’t wind down and sleep afterward? For me I’m not even sure if timing is a factor; I could come home from a happy hour at 6pm and still be too overstimulated. Any advice on winding down? I have quite a few events coming up and want to be able to fall asleep after.

    1. I’m an emotional sponge and just soak up all the energy. I’ve learned to just accept that it’ll take me hours to wind down. I will generally watch a little chill tv when I first get home and make sure the volume is at a normal home volume and not party volume, then go read a book while taking a bath (I love baths, so this is generally an hour+ for me). I make sure the lights are down low, too, whenever I get home.

    2. Neurotypical but I’m the kind of introvert who gets really hyper/overstimulated when I do put on an extroverted face for certain social gatherings. It’s like I’ve had to dredge up all my energy to do it and then I can’t wind down. What things do you generally find relaxing? My husband knows that if we go to a party (or even a small gathering) where I have to be “on” and talk to people I don’t know/don’t know well, then when we return home I will immediately be watching a bravo reality show or reading a dumb romance/fantasy novel in bed with my kindle in silence. Mindless cotton candy books/tv give my brain something to focus on without actually need to do any work and it siphons the energy enough that after an hour or so I can usually relax/fall asleep. If those aren’t your jam, maybe a bath, stretching/foam rolling, or something like knitting/crocheting?

      1. This is me 100%. Down to the kindle in quiet, and mindless books, though mine are HGTV and re-reading Harry Potter or the occasional Nora Roberts fantasy.

    4. I’m not neurodivergent (that I know of!) but have the same problem. I’ve always blamed it on being an introvert. It is very hard for me to wind down. Sometimes I’ll take a quick shower. Or a relaxing yoga class on my phone. Deep breathing. Reading. Trash TV. And telling my DH that I can’t people anymore and I really need to be alone, ha. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But it’s definitely a thing that’s only getting worse with age.

    5. I’ve found that working on a jigsaw puzzle before bed helps me wind down. It fully absorbs my mind with something related to physical shapes and colors, switching it to a different brain region (I assume) than the social or work interactions that were all about ideas/thoughts/conversations/words/emotions. If I were musical or artistic, I assume that playing music or painting/drawing would engage me in a similar way and require my brain to shift into a different mode.

    6. For me, knitting with some trash/seen-it-a-million-times TV on in the background does wonders to turn my brain off.

    8. I find a 30 min mindfulness meditation really helpful – one of the relaxing or pre bedtime ones. A hot bath can also help. A glass of wine if I haven’t been drinking at the event. I also like reading interesting nonfiction – I can’t do fiction or I get sucked into the story and generally can’t do anything super dense or technical, but something like a history or biography where I need to think a little bit tends to turn off my upbeat social element. Depending on your home situation, gardening can also be very helpful with this ;)

    9. Neurotypical introvert. If I’m at an event where I’m making lots of conversation and “on,” I have fun while I’m there, but afterward I 100% need to sit by myself with my Kindle or a mindless show, or go by a walk by myself, to get back to feeling “normal.”

    10. I tend to ruminate after social events, and then I worry about the fact that I’m doing it, and that makes it worse. The only thing that helps at all is to just tell myself “oops, there I go, ruminating again,” and at least eliminate the “worrying about it” part.

      Also CBD gummies sounds like a good idea.

      1. That’s me. Why did I talk so much? Why did I say that? Do they think I’m an idiot now? Maybe I should try CBD!

    11. Have you heard of brown noise? It’s like white noise but deeper in pitch. Same type of pitch as torrential rain, the roar of the ocean, etc. Different types of neurodivergent people react to it differently, but it basically instantly clears and calms my mind.

    13. Ah this is speaking to me! I’m 33 and only realized during the pandemic (because there were more gaps between social meetings) just how draining it is. It takes me 4-6 hours to wind down after a social gathering with more than 1 other person (1 other person more like 2-3 hours). That means if I get home from a party at 11pm, I’m up until 3am (horrified emoji). Noise level, crowds, temperature, and whether I know the person well all modulate how much energy I spent. Now that it’s clear I’ve begun planning around this and a) scheduling things earlier in the day so that I can unwind b) building in downtime. As a result there is much less social burnout.

  17. Any recommendations for dermatology or plastic surgery practitioners for botox /fillers in San Francisco? Interested in subtle improvements in forehead/undereye areas.

    1. Dr Corey Maas is one of the pioneers in the use of Botox for aesthetic purposes. You can’t do better. He has offices on Clay street near the hospital.

  18. My gawd, I feel like I stumbled onto a subreddit forum this morning. Pretty disturbed to see some of this stuff here.

    1. This is why I always laugh to myself when people try to suggest Corporette meetups in real life. If I was in a hotel and saw a sign outside a meeting room that said “Corporette meetup here” – I would keep on walking. And speed up. Many many people here I am grateful not to know IRL because – yikes.

  19. Can we talk piercings? I want more holes in my ears, mainly because I want to wear more earrings – I just like jewelry. What kind of ear piercings do you have and what do you like about the ones you have? Any regrets?

    1. Not exactly what you were looking for, but: I have double pierced ears, but the second hole in one ear is fully closed. I love the remaining second hole only because it was put in my ear using a sewing needle and a cube of ice for numbing by my 9th grade best friend in her bedroom in the late 80s. No regrets other than the verbal lashing I received from my mother.
      I am an old, but still think piercings at the top of the ear can look cool, though I still wince just a little at them in a professional setting.

      1. I’m OP and I’m an old too (57) but it just seems like 2 earrings are better than 0 earrings, so 4 earrings must be better than 2!

    2. Love this topic! I have two holes in both lobes, left ear also has three cartilage(helix) piercings and a daith. The right side has a conch.

      Daith is probably my favorite because you can put really pretty jewelry in it (though it’s hard to wear earbuds while healing). Conch is a close second. Biggest piece of advice is to invest in high quality jewelry from BVLA or Maria Tash or similar. I’ve been slowly changing all mine out for high quality pieces before I get any new holes and ow it’s expensive, but it looks way better than the cheap stuff and doesn’t irritate my ears or tarnish. No regrets at all, just make sure you go to a legit piercer. Also go to a piercer to have your jewelry changed if it’s tricky to do yourself. If you change your mind later you can always just stop wearing jewelry in it.

      1. Thank you. I live in Berkeley so there is no shortage of good piercers here. I would never leave this to a shaky-handed teenager at Claire’s!

        I really want to wear studs I already own in a second hole above my main lobe piercings. I’ve been wearing more dangly earrings for the last few years but I have a ton of really pretty 14k studs, some with pearls, some with diamonds or other stones, that I’m not wearing and I think would look good as “companion” earrings.

        I don’t think I’m quite ready to venture into the higher part of the ear yet, but who knows. I know this kind of thing can be borderline addictive (I don’t know how many piercings my 20 year old daughter has at this point but it’s well above 4 and includes the nose)

      2. Also I had to look up most of these terms – the conch piecing looks really pretty! Do you always wear a hoop there?

        1. If you’re interested in an additional piercing, I say go for it! You only live once, right?

          I always keep a hoop in my conch piercing, but studs are common too and probably more subtle.
          Also, you can get a pretty convincing effect using an ear cuff if you don’t want the commitment ;) I’d look on etsy, I’m sure there’s tons of options.

  20. Does anybody have any tips for long term storage of clothes? I have collected a lot of t-shirts over the years that I want to keep (mostly from political campaigns) but I don’t wear them very often, if at all. They’re currently just in a Rubbermaid tote in my attic, but I should probably find something better than that, shouldn’t I?

    2. I think that works but how hot does your attic get in the summer? I find those tubs to leech a plastic odor into items when they get really warm. What about having them made into a t-shirt quilt?

    3. I do this too, so no judgment, but sometimes I wonder why? What am I ever going to do with them?

  21. UK-based corporettes, please help: Heading to Scotland and will spend 4 days in Fort Williams, without a car. Do you have any recommendations for trails/treks I could do with the use of train/local bus? I am game for 6-7hrs walking.
    I have been to the Highlands before, but always had a car, which is not an option this time, and I would love to hear your tips. (I am making full use of walkhighlands site)

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