Weekend Open Thread

176 Comments

1. Where do you buy polished work dresses in 2026? I feel like The Fold is too executive looking. Me & Em and Boden dresses have either very long skirts or are too short. I have MMLF from pre-COVID, but that was from a trunk show coming through town where I could try things on. My mall seems to be mainly for teens and yoga moms, so not a lot for me.
   I do a good casual pants suit (soft pants, blazer or structured lady jacket in tweed, plain shell, flats), but that at times seems to be a bit more formal than a meeting needs. IDK how to dress for that any more.

   1. I just don’t – I don’t think dresses look good with flats or tights/nylons and I have no desire to be cold or uncomfortable in heels anymore. For a less formal meeting, I’ll do a more casual blazer and top with slacks and dressy flats. Work dresses just have no place in my life anymore.

   2. I am not an attorney but I pretty much only ever need to wear full on business formal, or dressy business casual (jeans, loafers or flats, pretty blouse and blazer). For casual I have decent luck at Tuckernuck, Vince, Brooks Brothers, or a good department store in a major city (DC or Boston’s Nordstroms are great).

   3. MMLF is still a great option for this.

   4. If you know your sizes (adjusted for when the piece was sold) in certain brands really well, you can find some absolute steals on resale s-tes for brands like Brooks Brothers.

      In general I think workwear is having more of a pants moment.

   5. I just got out of the elevator where a saw a woman wearing a beautiful pair of wide leg pants + a lovely blouse and ankle boots. MM LaFleur – she said. I had to ask.

      More pants, fewer dresses.

   6. Yeah, I wore a lot of dresses the last few years I was working (retired fall 2023) but I wore one to a business-related event this week and it didn’t feel quite right.

   7. i have posted variations of your thread multiple times here and gotten nowhere. i have given up and just wear pants. hoping they come back.

   8. Maggy London and sister brands. I get compliments weekly. I wish they had pockets but take the perfect fit, also, I buy on sale and don’t feel bad machine washing instead of dry cleaning. I also have lucky finds each year from Nordstrom sorting by length and feature. I have a horrid time finding pants that fit (TMI, basically my rise is insanely tall but I have short legs, plus I have PCOS and my shape can change a lot over a calendar quarter). Pants are rarely ok with me, everyone in my office knows I wear a dress 300 days of the year!

   9. I am a Dress Person, but I must admit that pants + non-matching blazer feels most current these days. A tailored dress can still work if it’s a little longer and paired with a short, slightly boxy jacket instead of the sleek fitted jardigan or blazer of the past. MMLF is hit or miss, but it’s where I’ve most recently found nice tailored dresses. I think part of what makes a tailored dress look dated is that it really needs heels, which are no longer popular. Some people are wearing softer midi dresses with a blazer and flats or loafers, but that look is not for me.

   10. OGL Moves. I mostly wear dresses—they work best on my figure and I veer more feminine.

   11. If you don’t need full sleeves, Google Calvin Klein sheath dress.

   12. I like shirt dresses for work. They are more casual than the classic sheath dress. Many brands make them and if you get one without a set in waist you can belt it with your own belt to make it fit correctly.

   13. Lafayette 148 second hand is my go-to.

2. I’m refreshing my home office and would like an interesting lamp to replace my very utilitarian black desk lamp. I want the replacement to take up as little desk space as possible, have a height/shade that prevents light from shining in my eyes, and be a color other than black so that it stands out against my black monitor, keyboard, etc. but don’t know where to start. Anyone have a lamp they love?

   1. I love my ikea lamp!

   2. Where to start: choose a descriptive word and then google, “[descriptive word] desk lamp.” Looking at the images that show up will begin to give you a sense of what you want to see more of and what you’re NOT looking for. Possible words: Orange. Red. Green. Retro. Traditional. Industrial. Art Deco.

      I recently bought this one, in green: https://www.target.com/p/glossy-metal-table-lamp-room-essentials/-/A-94970908?preselect=94249805#lnk=sametab

   3. I’ve gotten nice ones from West Elm, but they have a larger footprint than is good for most desks.

   4. Check the MoMA store online

3. Moms of college students, at what point do you think it’s justified for a parent to clean out a kid’s room? My kid is a sophomore out of state. She is home for a week or two at a time about four times a year. I have been begging her to organize and purge her stuff since she graduated from high school, and she has steadfastly refused. There is stuff on the floor, overflowing from dresser drawers, and bursting from the closet. I can’t stand it any more and am ready to organize it myself, dump what I think needs to be discarded into a garbage bag, and tell her to go through that bag over spring break. What would you do?

   1. Why doesn’t she want to? My mom did that with my stuff and it was fine (although it took me to age 40 to actually go through it lol).

      1. She finds cleaning and organizing too overwhelming. She will spend a whole day “organizing” and end up with a bigger mess than she started with.

         1. Can you sit with her while she does it? I hate organizing but will go like a house afire if I have some company. Note that “company” is completely different than “help,” which I hate.

      2. I cleaned out the stuff from my high school senior room last year, when I had to sell my parents’ house. It was bittersweet. I took some yearbooks and a few photos, but reminded myself that I started an adult life without this and didn’t want to spend my time at home then or prior sorting it. It went into a dumpster in a burst of energy fueled by time pressure and I haven’t regretted it.

         If you can’t do that, then if it can’t easily be replaced (yearbook), box it up and put it away and see if she asks after it. And unless it’s obviously sentimental, you can tell her that you’re looking for donations for Goodwill and unless she wants to save anything in particular (don’t say to a hoarder), then you will use your judgment going through things but she can save you the time by doing that herself.

   2. Give her a deadline to clean out her room, and if she doesn’t clean it out then you will. If you have to clean out her room then she doesn’t get to decide what will be thrown out.

   3. While I 100% absolutely understand the impulse (been there!), unless you need the space, I would close the door and ignore it.

      My parents did this with my room while I was in college and it left me in tears because I felt very much like they were telling me that I did not have a “home” with them. And since I was in school and living in temporary spaces that meant I did not have a home anywhere. Literally I had a (humiliating) breakdown in front of my very stoic WWII vet grandfather over the holidays that ended with him assuring me that I would always have a home with them no matter what and offering to clean out the guest room for me.

      She is a sophomore. It will wait a few more years.

      1. OP here. This is my worry, but at the same time I can no longer abide the literal piles of junk. The mess is impossible to ignore because we have to keep the door open for air circulation and our house is tiny. I would not turn it into an empty guest room or get rid of all of her stuff, just put it into a state of order and get rid of obvious trash, clothes she hasn’t worn in years, etc.

         We have already assured her that we have no intention of taking her room away until she’s ready (when she gets sick of it and wants a guest room instead, gets married, finishes grad school, etc.).

         1. how did you handle it when she lived with you as a teen? I would enforce the same rules for college use. For example, that she needs to be able to neatly store her possessions out of sight.

            If that means you need to buy some bed risers and bins to fit some things under her bed for now, small price to pay for a teen who can still feel comforted and surrounded by the familiar when coming home!

            1. When she was in high school we had to pick our battles for Reasons, so her room was perpetually a mess. I’m fine with neat bins of stuff, but I am over the giant piles of clutter. She seems to be blind to her own mess. When she’s home she scatters shoes and coats and papers all over the house, then complains that her friends leave food wrappers in their cars.

         2. “Presentable with an open door” needs to be the goal then. Surfaces clean, drawers closed, etc. She may need your help to really think about what she needs – can you go through her stuff with her? Maybe say that her goal should be to just not be embarrassed if she has a friend visiting on break?

         3. I think it is more than reasonable to ask that there not be literal piles of junk in one of the few rooms in your home. Her stuff needs to fit into drawers and closets with the doors and drawers closing properly. Then you can vacuum and dust and promptly identify any pest issues.

      2. I feel that there is a medium speed, which is what is tolerable to the adult still living in the space with stuff that no one wants to spend time on when it is in fact messy. When I left, I took the stuff I used and needed. The “archive” could have been boxed up and/or pared down, but at least it was tidy when you opened the closet door. If a kid can’t get to that, that should be a kid problem, even if they are 20.

         Extreme other end is ex-BIL, who remarried and started a new family and moved into a space with room only for new wife’s old kids and their new kids but his old kids have to sleep on a couch or a floor. Literally no room for them in his life (2 in college, 2 still in high school).

      3. This exactly. Not only do students change dorms every year, they usually aren’t allowed in over winter break and summer break.

         You can tell her to clean her room *up,* but be wary of cleaning it *out.*

      4. This is where I stand. My child is a college senior and I am leaving their room as it is. Lots of stuff going on in the world in general and their life in particular (will I get a job? Where? Will I have to share an apartment? What about my cats). I always want them to feel like they have a place of their own in my home. I have gone in and cleaned (and unpacked a bit, we moved when they were a sophomore) but I would never throw their stuff out. I wouldn’t want some else to go through my stuff and pass judgment on what is keep-worthy, why would I do it to them?

      5. I was also traumatized by my mom packing up my stuff in my room while I was still in school and before I had any other home or any ability to create one. It felt like I had no home. So please tread carefully.

         1. Same here. Really traumatizing.

            1. Wow, if this is what was really traumatizing to you guys, I’m jealous of the lives you’ve lived.

   4. I’d clean it out right now. I wouldn’t send a message that she doesn’t need to grow up and can stick with a mess like that. I’d toss all the junk and make it a guest room. A college sophomore is way too old for that nonsense.

      1. Way harsh

      2. You are mean for no reason. Get help.

      3. Do you have children? Do you have adult children who like being around you?

      4. Worst.Advice.Ever.

         The college student is not fully launched. Remember COVID and students coming home? Great to have the comfort of home when the world is on overwhelm.

         I’m in an area of the U.S. that has painted screen doors as a novelty – left over from the pre-AC days to support airflow and mask interiors. Im not saying install a screen door, but there might be similar masking options so you don’t feel like you need to clean up after her.

         I will second keeping her company while sorting. Just sorting out what doesn’t get worn (for any reason) and have a trip to donate it and stop by the drivethrough of her choice on the way home can have you both feeling a little better about the process. There are also ways to make this more enjoyable – 10 minute timer for a burst here & there. Create Yes/No/Later piles with names that are fun (we had a “Spark No” bag for donation). You have a finite time with her before she is living her best independent life, make it a good hang, not a forced march chore, if you can – you might see more of her emerging adult skills if both of you can stay away from strategies that may have been needed when she could not safely make decisions for herself. Just floating some balloons.

      5. Ugh. let’s go in a different direction…

         The college student is not fully launched. Remember COVID and students coming home? Great to have the comfort of home when the world is on overwhelm.

         I’m in an area of the U.S. that has painted screen doors as a novelty – left over from the pre-AC days to support airflow and mask interiors. Im not saying install a screen door, but there might be similar masking options so you don’t feel like you need to clean up after her.

         I will second keeping her company while sorting. Just sorting out what doesn’t get worn (for any reason) and have a trip to donate it and stop by the drivethrough of her choice on the way home can have you both feeling a little better about the process. There are also ways to make this more enjoyable – 10 minute timer for a burst here & there. Create Yes/No/Later piles with names that are fun (we had a “Spark No” bag for donation). You have a finite time with her before she is living her best independent life, make it a good hang, not a forced march chore, if you can – you might see more of her emerging adult skills if both of you can stay away from strategies that may have been needed when she could not safely make decisions for herself. Just floating some balloons.

      6. +1 – how is she supposed to live with other people if she’s allowed to keep that kind of mess?

   5. How far away is spring break? When she gets home can you tell her it’s no longer negotiatble, that you’ll help her clean, but that you need to be able to close the closet door, her dresser drawers, and see the floor. I’ve got two teenagers and this has been non-negotiable for years in our house so it wouldn’t be a total shock to the system.
      It would also be kind to offer to store some things for her in plastic bins if they’re sentimental/she’s not sure if she wants to keep them but doesn’t have a big room.

      1. The sentimental stuff is already carefully stored in bins. This is just … mess.

   6. There’s a whole lot of difference between “clean out” and “clean up”! I’d be totally fine with cleaning up: Nothing thrown around on the floor. Dresser drawers shut, and closet closed. If you need to take some clothes out of her dresser drawers to get them to shut, and store the clothes in bins in her closet, fine.

      But to clean OUT her room? Like . . . box up all her stuff and move it all out into the garage? I think you’d only do that if you concretely needed the space because another person in the household needed a room. And you’d do it with her, not while she’s gone.

   7. Why do you need this done? If you need the space for an office or guest area, give her a deadline then do it yourself.

      If you are just annoyed by it, I’d close the door and wait until she graduates and moves out for good.

      If you are selling the house, try to find a time to do it together or at least work with her to get it done. Maybe summers break?

   8. Tell her you’ll be putting anything she hasn’t purged by the end of spring break in cardboard boxes and putting them in the attic if you have one. Don’t throw things out but do clear out the room.

      If you don’t have space to store the detritus out of sight, then tell her you’ll only be able to store x number of boxes (fine if x is 1) and will do your best to keep the things she’ll care most about, but it would be better if she helped you with this if she wants to make sure you don’t accidentally junk anything important.

      1. Oh, and don’t throw away her prom dresses. My mom did almost 20 years ago, and I’m still annoyed by it. I would’ve gotten them if I’d known she was considering it.

         1. My mom got rid of my bike without asking or telling me and I still resent it. Yes, maybe it was time and I would have made the same decision myself, but she took that agency away from me.

   9. Can you give her a task and a deadline, so it feels like she has agency but also that she doesn’t get to have total say?

      “This summer/next time you’re home, I need to you to clean out your closet — stuff to donate, stuff to throw away, and then organize the rest. If you can’t do it then, then I’m going to have to.”

      Start with one thing (closet, dresser, etc.) and go from there.

   10. 1. I think cleaning to your standards and tidying is 100% a thing you can enforce.
       2. Like the Slob Comes Clean lady says, the container is the container. Closet, drawers, etc. If she can’t find a home in the given container, you can box it up or not feel bad about either donating or trashing it. Tell her this in advance of when she will be home and have time, offer to help / do it together, and have a deadline of when you are going to goodwill.
       3. Maybe get some boxes for things to put at the top/back of a closet like yearbooks. Make it look like a nice AirBNB that she’d be proud to bring a friend home with her on a visit or have relatives stay in.

       My old room became a sewing room with my stuff in one closet, then half a closet, then the top/back corner of closet.

   11. Since this is something that overwhelms her and you are willing to do the work yourself anyway, what if you tell her that the two of you need to do it together the next time that she’s home? I think both of your problems might get resolved this way.

   12. When she graduates and gets an apartment. Remember that the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 26 and she’s just not ready for the complete transition.

       If it is really trash, put it in a pile and see if she agrees via photographs. Put the rest in storage boxes for her and stack up in the room. My son and I are very much the same when it comes to our lack of organization. But I can help him better than I can do this form myself.

       1. Ok lol no, the brain might not be fully developed until 26 but people can learn to clean starting at like age 5. It’s ok and desirable to ask for more from your very-much-adult children.

          1. I can tell you have some work to do yourself at 4:14. Elementary school aged children can put their toys in the bins that were provided for them. Transitioning young adults have a lot of emotional processing to do to decide what mementos of their childhood should be tossed. And many people have ADHD that makes this – what to YOU is a simple task – nearly impossible. I would rather have a compassionate child than an organized child. Good luck in your nursing home.

             1. It’s not good to infantilize your adult children or act like people with ADHD are incapable of things like having a semi-clean room (the OP isn’t asking for miracles here) or sitting down to tackle mementos with another person’s help. The dig about nursing homes reveals more about your personality than mine. I’ll warn you, though, that being your child’s fuzzy friend first does not guarantee they will be there for you later on when responsibility is required. Responsibility is learned.

             2. My kid is just fine in his own apartment with a great job and healthy relationships. He took his stuff with him when he got a place. It is just stuff.

             3. Please confirm you don’t have children, because yikes if you’re responsible for turning out adults.

          2. Yeah the coddling on this thread is bananas. Have some standards for your kids. Help them become functioning adults.

             1. Yeah, this is the definition of unhealthy coddling – even and especially for adults with ADHD.

             2. lmao. I just told you my son is more than functioning. A messy room during college is no big deal.

             3. Sophomores in college are capable of cleaning their own rooms, even with ADHD. Truly. If you can’t clean your room–not won’t, can’t–you don’t belong in college.

             4. Oh my God. People who have sucessful careers have messy homes and offices. The puritanical bs on this board kills me sometimes. Being neat or not has nothing to do with being a moral or good person.

   13. Do you have any storage room? If so, put everything that is on the floor or bursting out of its cont In trash bags or boxes, and store it. Tell her she needs to go through it during her next trip. She probably won’t. In her following trip, tell her she needs to go through it before you dump it. If she does, great, find a way to store it in her room. If she doesn’t, dump it. If you’re nice, you can carefully salvage a few things you think have value, sentimental or otherwise.

       Your daughter is bring rude and disrespectful, leaving things she doesn’t care about strewn in a room you need to look at. Reality is, she doesn’t live there any more. Will she always be welcome and have a home? Sure. Does that require part of your house being the island of misfits and discarded clothes? No. If your daughter emotionally can’t handle this, she’s got bigger issues than being a self-centered slob.

   14. I would discard any actual garbage (paper plates, wrappers) now and without telling her and then do my best to get the rest of the stuff off the floor and into drawers/boxes. I wouldn’t throw out any stuff but would consider compiling clearly old clothes or similar into a garbage bag for her to review next time she’s home. If she declines to do so, then it’s gone.

   15. I share custody of my middle school aged kid and I do this a few times a year when she with her other parent. I throw out trash, put stuff where it seems to belong, and give the room a general reset. She gets overwhelmed when told to clean her room but once it’s clean can mostly maintain it, until she has a rough week or month and then it’s a mess again. We’re working on it.

       In your place I would do something similar. Get bins or boxes and neatly containerize all the stuff. Get everything off the floor and surfaces so the room can be vacuumed and dusted regularly. Don’t throw anything out unless it’s really clearly trash — old notebooks or tshirts can be sentimental. Make a plan with her that when she’s home you’ll go through one box per week that she’s home and decide what to trash, donate or keep long term.

   16. No answer, but as a fellow mother of a university student with a messy, messy, messy rooom, my solidarity and good vibes to you.

   17. I wouldn’t dump potentially sentimental things or things she might like to pass on to future kids without giving her a head’s up (my husband was pretty upset when his dad threw out his Lego collection without any notice), but I think doing what you’ve proposed is fine.

       Fwiw, my parents made my childhood bedroom a home office for my mom pretty much as soon as I moved out for my freshman year and I don’t feel permanently scarred by it. Their home was very small, 3 bedrooms, one for them, one for me and one for my dad’s office and I always thought it was unfair to my mom (who worked at home more) that she didn’t get an office so it made logical sense.

   18. God our future is cooked if these are the young adults y’all are raising

       It’s not “traumatizing” to ask young adults to clean and organize. Do you all hear yourselves??

       1. Right. On the flip side, it probably will damage your relationship with your child, possibly for a long time, if you indiscriminately trash their clothes and personal affects without giving a clear warning you’re going to do so, especially if it’s on a whim because you’ve been silently stewing. That’s mean. Don’t do that. But also don’t pretend they’re going to be irrevocably damaged if you tell them it’s time to box stuff up.

          1. She did give a warning!

             1. No, she said she had “been begging her to organize and purge her stuff since she graduated from high school.” That is nagging, not a warning. A warning is “I need you to do this next time you’re home, or I will, and I’m going to do a worse job than you will.”

   19. My mom cleaned out my room while I was in college without my knowledge and got rid of almost all of my sentimental items, which I’m still hurt about. I would not recommend going that route.

   20. Any chance she has ADHD? Cleaning her room was completely overwhelming for my daughter until she was medicated.

       1. The jerks above seem to think that messy people with ADHD can’t go to college.

4. I’ve got a migraine that is killing me right now – literally feel nauseous. Any tips? I don’t get them as often as other family members but we’re all triggered by big changes in weather.

   1. My go-to is Advil + a caffeinated beverage + an hour lying down in a dark room with a heat pack on my head.

   2. Aleve is the only medicine that helps with my migraines and take three. I sometimes take Pepto or Tums to help with the nausea. Then I just lie down and wait for it to pass. Next time I get one, I might try Excedrin. It has caffeine in it and I’m curious if that will help. Hope you feel better soon!

   3. Large full sugar coke, whatever carbs you can keep down, and two advil. I’d also suggest excedrine migraine, zofran if you have it, and laying down for a bit. I can sometimes tolerate sour better than sweet – Simply Limeade or Lemonade cut with seltzer is my go-to for settling my stomach in those cases.
      My whole family gets migraines and this week has been hideous for us.

      1. Coca-cola is good for the headache and the nausea.

   4. Excedrin migraine if you have it (Advil if you don’t) + a coke or cup of coffee. Then run a hot bath and get a glass of ice water and a very, very cold washcloth. Sit in the hot bath with the cold washcloth over your forehead and eyes, and drink the water as you can.

      Good luck. Migraines are the ding-dong worst.

   5. You can ask your doctor what amount of Tylenol and Advil to take in these situations. The amounts recommended on the bottles are a generic amount. Your doctor can likely recommend a higher amount that’s safe for you. This can make a big difference, as two pills of Advil did absolutely nothing for me, and my migraines lasted days.

   6. Non-diet soda and a spoon full of peanut butter. Works for me a lot of the time.

   7. I do not mean this to sound flippant, but what really worked for me with migraines (suffering for 20+ years, about 2x/month) was to see a neurologist. I put if off for a long time and when I finally went, was able to get some medication that is extremely helpful. Even if you’re not getting them all the time, a neurologist can point you in the right direction. You don’t need to suffer when there are life-changing medications that can help. Good luck!!!

   8. In addition to what others suggested around managing migraines in the moment, I’d also consider taking magnesium and B12 supplements to prevent them.

      I started getting terrible migraines in pregnancy when I couldn’t take much and my OB recommended this. Magnesium it turns out is critical for me, and some research shows a lot of migraines are due to a magnesium deficiency. After a few months of taking a daily supplement or spraying oil on my legs before bed, the migraines are very rare.

5. If you want an easy way to protest this administration, check out resistandunsubscribe dot com. It guides you through how to cancel your subscriptions to Amazon, Apple, ChatGPT, Google, Paramount +, Uber and other subscriptions led by tech bros who are enabling this administration. You are probably paying for subscriptions you don’t even use. Even if you have to resubscribe later, unsubscribing will send a strong message to these companies, and will affect the market, which is pretty much the only thing Trump cares about. Remember that these companies need you more than you need them. I really want this movement to take off so that we can kick the tech bros in the nuts.

   1. I have already unsubscribed from nearly all of these services because they just aren’t worth it.

   2. Yes. That will get em. For sure. Effective as heck.

      1. Yeah, and love sharing it on a website that absolutely uses AWS as its backend lol.

         1. (FWIW I just googled and my web host, Liquid Web, describes itself as an alternative to AWS. I’ve been with several over the years but not AWS afaik. Had to move to Liquid because of all the comments, we can’t cache the way most websites can. Alison at Ask a Manager recommended.)

            1. Oh, I meant the site the person linked! I guess I don’t know that it’s using AWS, but it does appear to have a Google Analytics plug in installed based on the trackers Safari is telling me it blocked.

            2. fair fair – almost every website uses google analytics though, there isn’t really an alternative if you want to know your numbers. although since the big update a year or so ago the analytics in general are much less useful.

            3. Kat G, I think it’s cool that you engaged and shared this info. Thank you!

            4. I also think it’s cool you responded about this!

      2. Cool response! Would love to hear any other suggestions you have!

      3. Do you think people are charmed by grown women who act like teens?

6. I am in private practice. Partner. 39. Primarily transactional, with some pre-lawsuit claims (administrative agency filings) but I delegate all litigation now. I think I’m hitting a new stage where my “feast” periods are much, much longer and maybe I’ve hit a new bracket where I can consistently feed a larger team, more of the time. I’m frustrated at how behind I feel in the meantime. I’ve delegated a LOT in the last six months and I feel better about how I’m handling that. My family is noticing I’m working more, more often. I don’t know what I need. A mentor? Someone to tell me this is normal or will pass? Someone to push me and tell me I need to do X differently? I feel alone, in some ways.

   1. Sounds like a mentor would be perfect for this! Is there anyone in your firm or maybe a working moms group with women at similar levels?

      1. Unfortunately – not that I know of. My firm has a few very senior, male partners who have stay-at-home spouses (I don’t), and then we have a big “bubble” of missing folks between the 45-60 year old range. Lots of people went in-house or left. I don’t know of any of those groups, I have a few friends/peers but they’re under more senior people whereas I’m developing more people under me. Any tips of who I should ask?

         1. I’m in that ago gap but in finance, and left/got pushed out during Covid. It’s a huge problem but try to find someone still “in” perhaps through a professional association or members group like Athena (I wasn’t in it but heard good things).

            Or share on here more specifics so that someone can signpost you.

   2. I’m in a similar spot, getting to the point of keeping my business the same size or growing like you are. I’d recommend a career coach to help you through this transitional period. They can help identify what you want to do and keep doing versus what you want to offload to people who enjoy/can grow from those other things.

7. If anyone is looking at a full price Biden item, I have a $25 code that expires tomorrow. I won’t use it, so am sharing here!
   USVCH9VTPCVT

   1. Heh. Full price Biden item.

      1. Boden! Yikes, that was a phone posting fail.

      2. America could use a full price Biden right now.

8. Anyone know they need to exercise and stop drinking and just cannot get over the motivation hump. I watch more videos on exercising than actually doing the thing. Word of wisdom to kickstart.

   1. Focus on discipline over motivation. If the gym is on your calendar for Tuesday, you’re going to the gym on Tuesday regardless of whether or not you feel motivated to do it.

      1. If I try to separate the concepts of discipline and motivation, I always find that motivation is easier than discipline. I want to do it (motivation), I just can’t make myself (discipline).

   2. Motivation is overrated. The only way I can get myself to exercise is to sign up for a class that’s fun.

      1. Same same. You have to love it or at least like it, or you won’t do it. Also totally agree that discipline is way more important than motivation no matter what.

   3. What worked for me was signing up for a gym that’s $350 a month. Feels SO wasteful to not go. Adjust according to your budget though.

      Remember that alcohol causes depression/anxiety, and that exercises is as (if not more) effective in clinical studies than SSRIs in treating depression. The mental health boosts are huge.

      Conversely, sedentary lifestyle and alcohol consumption can take years off your life.

   4. Start with an easy step and get rid of the alcohol in your house. You can’t drink it if it isn’t there

   5. for drinking, try the app Reframe

      for exercising… been there. I try to create habits instead of things that require motivation. I swim laps on Sundays, which is one of the days I have to wash my hair anyway so I may as well have an enjoyable workout first. I go to the gym for lifting after I drop my kid off at school (I use the Sweat app but Ladders or StrongLifts are good too). Trying to add in some more habits too like walks after dinner.

   6. Who you are isn’t matching who you want to be. Why can’t you stop drinking? Are you going to happy hour every night with friends or drinking at home? Why does it have to be both right now. If you really can’t stop drinking, go to AA. Then you will have time and space to start taking care of yourself in ways you never imagined.

   7. For drinking, fill your fridge with tasty seltzers you can drink instead of alcohol. It’s helpful to replace a bad habit with something else.

      For exercise, try lowering the bar some days if you just dread it. Going for a walk counts!

      1. I like the fancy sodas from Trader Joe’s for this purpose.

      2. I agree with both of these. I replaced my nightly wine habit with bubbly water with lime so it feels a little fancy. Topo chico is my favorite. We also occasionally make mocktails but I don’t need all the sugar.

         As far as exercising, the hardest part is getting started. I make ridiculous deals with myself that I can go to the gym and just walk slow on the treadmill for 20 minutes and be finished. Of course, once I am there I then also do weights, and sometimes the stair climber, and abs, etc. But just getting there is the hard part.

   8. One thing at a time, my friend, and make it easy to start. What feels easier to tackle–exercise or drinking? Start there. The rest will come.

   9. For me, these bad or good choices go hand-in-hand.

      If I drink the night before, I tend to sleep poorly and feel sluggish in the morning, which means I skip the gym, and then I don’t feel energized from the endorphins, which means the work stress hits harder, which means I want a glass of wine at the end of the day, which means…

      The opposite is true if I don’t drink, and then go to the gym, the stress doesn’t hit, etc.

      I also think people get intimidated by exercise, thinking you have to go all out, lift super heavy, commit to a class 5x/week, etc. Just get up and go for a walk if that’s all you can do. I find that I tend to get into it if I can just get started, so take any first step in the morning and you will probably find that you can do it. You can do 5 pushups or 10 situps or 15 air squats when you wake up, which should get the blood pumping enough to push you to go to the gym.

   10. GLP1 girl. It cuts the desire to drink and will kickstart your weightloss and inspire you to exercise.

   11. For exercise, I sometimes fool myself into it. I just need to go out and walk for 5 minutes. That’s it, 5 minutes. By the time the 5 minutes is up, I just keep going.

       I make it as easy as possible, my clothes are laid out, I do it first thing when I get up and then it’s done for the day, I count a lot of things as exercise that others wouldn’t (dumbbell and band workouts, walking). I do work out videos at home because then I don’t have to drive to the gym. Or I work out in my pjs, that puts one less barrier between me and getting it done.

       As for drinking, I started a medication that makes me ill if I drink too much, it’s sad because drinking is one thing I desparately miss.

   12. The best thing I did was find a friend in the same headspace as me. It wasn’t hard. We decided to work out three days a week. Then we got a trainer. It has been 5 years and we’re still at it. Having people you are responsible to + spending money + feeling and looking better = long-term success.

   13. Put your phone down!

9. There are a few comments about dating on this mornings post about dressing for men not women. What does this mean?

   1. Nobody looks hot in barrel pants. Wearing them is an example of dressing for (straight) women.

      1. I think this example is exactly backwards. Women think these jeans look dumpy and make them look fat, but men seem to like the exaggerated curves.

         1. Barrel pants don’t give you any curve at all. Men do like tight jeans. So do I, so it works.

         2. Well, I do agree that people who see women in barrel pants wish they could see them naked instead, but that’s just because the pants are so ugly surely anything would be better.

         3. Yes, some barrel pants can make butts look really good for those of us well endowed. The guys just see the butts, and don’t notice the (relatively unflattering) legs.

   2. Dressing to show your figure / in a “feminine” way, even if the current trends in stores are more body-obscuring.

      1. I think this is right. When I was dating I was also wearing a lot of dresses and more feminine pieces. My hair was (is, always) long, my nails were short and clean, my makeup was not obvious—the look was going for healthy outdoor glow. If I wore denim, it was to emphasize my butt. But I’ve also always dressed this way.

   3. I know this might start something, but I think bright red lipstick is the classic workplace example. I’ve seen male colleagues, including my boss, involuntarily wince when a female colleague joins the call wearing a bright red shade they don’t normally wear.

      1. are you saying the red lipstick is meant to be coded for men but the men wince? eh I can see the benefits of wearing a bolder lip color on a call. in real life though every man i’ve known would prefer a neutral lip. in general i think makeup scares them.

         1. No, I meant that it tends to elicit compliments from other straight women and this sometimes means women don’t realize that men find it a turn off.

            1. I think the men find bright lipstick inappropriate for work because it is typically used to signal “tart.”

            2. Only in old school literature. In more modern times it screams “trying too hard.”

      2. I need more context for this view point. I have never noticed this wincing. I also think many women don’t look great in a red lip although it is stunning when it is right for their color and style.

   4. A wrap dress may not be in style right now, or read as dated to women. But it will catch men’s attention more than barrel jeans and oversized button-down from Everlane (even though that reads as chic).

      It depends though. I live in SF and the culture is so classist and coded that if you dress in a dated feminine dress or wear makeup it can read as holding less cultural capital. I’d say working class / lower-income women tend to look better to the male gaze in SF, yet they are invisible to men who work in tech or finance because they are coded as a different class. Whereas the Aritzia / Everlane / Uniqlo urban-utilitarian style reads as “of the highly-educated, high-earner scene / dateable.” So YMMV.

      1. This makes me wonder about nails. Most women lawyers and professionals either have no nail polish and short nails or a classic color, especially older. I am a Gen X lawyer and love getting my nails done in bright colors in a squoval shape, sometimes with a slight design. I occassionally worry that it reads as lower class to other women but I do get joy out of it. I think men like polished white or pink.

         1. Former violinist and will buff my shirt nails but never polish them. I will get a good pedicure with high contrast polish or sparkles. Feet are fun. Hands are all business.

         2. I think this is a super interesting comment, probably because nails are so class coded in my (public facing, non profit) workplace. My take is that if it brings you joy, do it. I have started getting my nails done and notice that clients and younger (than me!) attorneys will react positively. Older attorneys probably internally wince. (And I favor a sharper almond; can’t imagine squoval is too out there even with a fun color).

   5. I’m the one who said that.

      Most of the time, if you ask a woman friend what to wear on a date, she will tell you to wear cute jeans and a nice top. When women go out as a big group for a nice evening, they all wear this.

      In general, men tend to read jeans as casual or something for friends, even if they are very nice, well-fitting, and on-trend jeans.

      Men are generally immune to trends; they don’t care if something is “out” (so long as it doesn’t strike them as something their mom would wear).

      I somewhat tongue-in-cheek said to wear a skirt and a top that, in a very classy way, accentuates your chest. Most people want to find someone whom they like, respect, get along with, and also have some chemistry with. Wear something that makes men think “chemistry,” not “that’s what all the women wear when they go out for Galentine’s drinks.”

   6. Dressing to make women think you are cool v. dressing to make men think you are hot.

      1. Succinct. Yes.

   7. I missed this but I guess I hard disagree. Yeah most men want a woman who is beautiful with zero makeup and a perfect body in jeans and sneakers and a tight tee shirt who really just wants to eat burgers and play video games. Because they suspect this woman will expect exactly nothing of them. I’m happily married but I never really wanted a guy like that. My husband appreciates makeup and fashion even if he’s personally the most low key dude around. It helps to live in New York maybe but why would you want to attract a guy who can’t even clock what shape of jeans are in? He’d probably give you a hard time for getting new clothes or Botox, both of which my husband gets are part of my routine.

      1. The lowest priority of my dating life was finding a man who knew what shape of denim I was wearing.

         1. You are probably a low maintenance person. Good for you.

         2. Seriously

      2. Maybe 18 year old boys want a low maintenance perfect girl in jeans and a tee; adult men who ask women to dinner usually appreciate effort. They read “effort” differently than women do, ie, less focused on trends and more on sexiness and being (generally) dressed up.

         1. A combo of both—they want to know that you are capable of putting in occasion-appropriate effort, but also that you can get out the door for early morning errands without 30 minutes of hair and makeup, but still look decent, even if not camera ready.

      3. A cheat code might be to marry a man with sisters or a lot of female friends. My husband is the youngest with 3 older sisters and has always appreciated my style and never said a word about my regular hair/nail/massage visits and frequent shopping (I stay in budget and almost always shop sales).

10. Are you noticing any shifts in your social groups on the subject of pot smoking/edibles? I’m seeing something of a trend away from “it’s natural and so much healthier than alcohol and it doesn’t impair you!” to a more nuanced position that’s more like “it’s something that can be enjoyed occasionally, with limits.” I’m also seeing more talk about dependence and impacts on mental health (and I know someone who experienced psychosis from it). There are still plenty of people partaking around me (I do live in CA, after all), but this shift has been interesting, especially among highly educated women who maybe weren’t using at all before legalization.

    1. Nobody I know talks about using it, and I don’t think they actually are using it. In our state it’s legal to have and to use but not to purchase, and my friends all have to pass background checks to work and/or volunteer with kids, so I don’t know how they would obtain it.

       1. We’re all old enough that most of my friends smoked a ton of weed back in the day, but as far as I know, everybody still prefers alcohol these days. If they do weed, it’s for pain relief.

    2. Who thinks it doesn’t impair you? LOL. I’ve not noticed any changes, but maybe that’s because I and my friends who partake have been doing so for years and years, long before widespread legalization and before the influencer class got into it. And my social groups don’t fall for “natural = better.” I have not seen this scenario of smart, highly educated women being duped by simplistic claims that MJ is a health food without risks to be enjoyed at any time, and then slowly coming to the realization that maybe there is more nuance than that.

       1. I know a lot of moms who use it to relax because it “doesn’t impair them” like drinking around their kids would. It’s not for me but it’s a thing.

          1. as a mom who prefers MJ to drinking – the difference is the level of buzz and the consistency of it. half a gummy is that perfect “1-2 glasses of wine in” but it lasts for 2-3 hours. the buzz for wine wears off (and then you get sleepy) or you overshoot the mark by continuing to drink trying to sustain that level of buzz. plus no hangover the next day.

             1. This is consistent with what I see in my circles. Overall people are drinking less but on occasion replacing a few glasses of wine with a gummy. It’s not because it’s “natural”, it’s usually about not having a hangover, fewer empty calories and a longer/steadier buzz. I don’t know anyone who is a heavy user (or if I do, they aren’t sharing). These are people replacing their once a week wine habit with a gummy.

    3. The NYT had an oped on it this past weekend about how a lot of people are using it too much and we need clearer laws. I like a half a gummy a few nights a week – didn’t enjoy it at all before the pandemic. We got a medical card around then, but it’s legal where I live now.

    4. I think it’s fallen out of fashion a bit, at least in my circles in CA. The stuff that is for sale is pretty high-octane and plenty of people are a little apprehensive about taking a gummy and being totally out of it for the duration. Also the smell of the smoke is awful and it’s super pervasive (especially on public transportation and in public places like outdoor malls or even the beach).

       Related: I had a really bad experience a few years back with someone who was a big pot user. They rarely seemed sober or coherent even when they really should have been under the circumstances. And they got MEAN, screaming and howling about stuff that a normal adult would be able to handle. It was bizarre.

    5. I live in a state where it’s legal, but very few people I know openly admit to taking it. Only one person I know said they do to help them sleep. Alcohol is still way more common and accepted as a recreational thing.

    6. I think it’s embarrassing to drink to excess or use pot at all after you are a fully fledged adult (barring health conditions that can be helped by pot!). I generally keep that opinion to myself but have heard a couple other people express it IRL in the past year. TBH, people being willing to say “responsible adults just don’t get drunk drunk” has been the more shocking shift to hear people say out loud to me!

       1. +1 – I work in a big job and put on events as part of it. The levels of drinking I see now at conferences, events, and just general business dinners are easily 60% lower than they were 20 years ago. I remember seeing some of the last days of ordering drinks at lunch post financial crash. I cannot imagine someone drinking at lunch these days (maaaybe an exception for a glass of champagne to celebrate a big closed deal? or a work enagement party?). I cannot imagine colleagues using drugs recreationally at company events the way they’ll have a drink.

    7. Sounds like you and your friends are getting older :)

11. what even was that figure skating final?

    1. What event? I’m in the mood for some drama.

       1. Posted too soon – I have the men’s skeleton on in the background while I work and the current competitor is an attorney who does skeleton in his free time. Anyone here relate?!

    2. Ahhh, I won’t post spoilers, but I watched the last group with my head in my hands. I love the skaters that won and am happy for them, but also so sad for all the people who had very bad days.

    3. Omg, it was wild. Truly wild. Don’t want to post spoilers for the people who will watch in prime time on the west coast, but hopefully we can discuss tomorrow!

       1. I mean, just the fact that the outcome was unexpected is a pretty big spoiler, lol. I’m the figure skating nerd in my circles (former skater) and was busy doing kid stuff during the event but I knew exactly what had happened as soon as I started getting the “omg!” and “what happened!?” texts.

          1. Haha, well, I tried to pitch my husband on a 4A attempt at the Olympics as the shocking news story. But even setting the very end aside, I think all of the last 5 performances were pretty surprising!

    4. Spoiler Ahead, in case you’ve managed a news blackout so far

       I was surprised and sad to see so many great skaters perform so poorly, but congratulations to the the gold medalist, who certainly deserved it on that day. His shock and excitement was adorable and heartwarming. Also, Ilia’s sportsmanship and grace impressed me so much. Imagine having all the hard work, and dreams, and expectations spectacularly implode like that and then being composed and articulate for an interview almost immediately afterward. I’m not sure I could do that now, let alone when I was 21!

    5. I kept gasping and startling my cat lol…but there was a lot to gasp about!!!! Thrilled for the winner though, so exciting!

    6. There’s also a cheating scandal in curling, if anyone is looking for another Olympic rabbit hole to descend!

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