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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 184 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Nancy Pique Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Rag & Bone Nancy Pique BlazerHappy Monday, ladies! I love the tiny dot prints covering this pique blazer from Rag & Bone — it seems subtle but sophisticated. I actually love the styling with the striped sweater, but I would have chosen a sweater without a vertical line in the back — IMHO, that kind of ruins the look. Opinions? The blazer is $450 at Saks. Rag & Bone Nancy Pique Blazer Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Family problems

    Sorry for the immediate TJ. I have a weird family situation and could use some advice. My aunt, a smart, kind, and fun woman, is married to a man who is an absolute jerk. He’s verbally abusive to her and incredibly rude, aggressive, and hostile to her family and friends, including me. I’m talking personal insults, high-volume political rants, racist and homophobic rants, complaints about everything under the sun, and a basic lack of respect for those around him. She spends a TON of time apologizing for his behavior and engaging in shouting matches with him at family events. My aunt has indicated that she has considered leaving him, but that she would feel too awful about it because of his medical conditions and his estrangement from basically everyone else in his life. Setting aside the question of whether or not she should actually leave him, my question is this: how should her family (i.e. me) respond when her husband is so verbally abusive? His political rants, which he starts, will not be stopped by comments such as “let’s change the subject” or “let’s not talk politics at the dinner table” and his personal attacks are in the vein of “why haven’t you gotten a real job?” or “your boyfriend should stop being so co-dependent, it’s disgusting.” I’ve already reduced my time around him to a bare minimum, but it’s unavoidable to some extent if I want to have a good relationship with my aunt. Is there a particular phrase that anyone can recommend that will shut a family bully up? I don’t really think he can ever change, but I want to stand up for myself and indicate that it’s not just okay for him to be abusive because he always has been or because he has medical problems. Any advice anyone has about dealing with a truly verbally abusive person would be appreciated.

    • mascot

      There isn’t a magic phrase to shut him down. I think that the best you can do is to just ignore him. If he starts in on a rant simply say, I do not wish to discuss this and change the subject. Then refuse to engage him anymore, he’s just background noise. It doesn’t sound like the rest of the family is jumping to his defense or participating in the discussion. The more you try to challenge him or defend yourself, it sounds like the more he will just keep attacking.
      If you want to have quality time with your aunt, schedule it for a time when he won’t be there.

    • jackwagon uncle

      If it is really that terrible, and he won’t respond to such gentle requests to be a good citizen, then I think you can respond accordingly. “Hey, Jackwagon Uncle, I don’t appreciate your tone or your message. STFU or go home. This is unacceptable behavior for an adult.” If he continues, then the rest of the adults need to 1) not feed into his crazy/not engage the crazy and 2) leave the room/situation. You (and all the other adults) should treat him like you’d treat a 3-year old in a tantrum. Don’t engage, and don’t provide an audience.

      In not so many words, “Hey, that’s not cool. I will not tolerate that”

      I’ve told plenty of grown-ups to “Be nice” or “that’s not cool” in response to some ugly things that have been said. Usually something short and curt like that will cut them off.

      I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it, and I’m equally sorry that your aunt feels obligated to it, because it is surely no fun for her either.

      • IDK

        This relative does not sound like the type to back down after any of the responses suggested here. In fact, in my experience someone truly determined to bother people will be thrilled to hear things like this, and escalate. I’m more with Mascot–you can only ignore him and try to spend as much time with your aunt as possible when he isn’t around.

        • Family problems

          That’s the problem – all of the responses that seem to work on normal people, like “that’s not cool” or “I would prefer not to discuss this”, seem to have NO effect other than to rev him up more. In the past, he was a difficult person, but still generally okay to be around. Now it’s actually shocking that an real human being could behave this way. I don’t know how to explain it or how it could happen, but it’s really unbelievable that someone could actually be so deeply rude and angry at the world.

          Fortunately, my aunt is healthy and loves to get out and do things. We’ve already spent a lot of time doing outings and trips over the years, but maybe that will be all we do now. I don’t think I can really spend Thanksgiving at her house anymore when her husband is there.

          • It's not right, but it's OK

            Missing Thanksgiving at her house sounds completely like the right call to make. Enjoy other times with her solo and often. No reason to let a holiday give a jerk a license to hold you all hostage. Have the good times you can have when you can have them.

          • Olivia Pope

            I agree with “it’s not right.” Don’t go to Thanksgiving anymore. Don’t spend time with him anymore.

            Spend plenty of time with your aunt solo. Model what it looks like to remove an unhealthy influence from your life, particularly when someone will not change. Let her know that you can’t spend time with him anymore because being healthy means removing yourself from abusive situations.

            Good luck.

        • S in Chicago

          I agree. This will only escalate and serves little purpose since you’re not going to change him. If anything, you’re only likely to rile him up further and perhaps give your aunt an even worse situation to deal with. For her sake, I would just ignore him or walk away. The goal should be creating the most pleasant environment you can for everyone given the circumstances by not engaging. While standing up to him may give a brief personal satisfaction, it’s at the expense of your aunt and everyone else around who will need to witness the squabble and then deal with the even more awkward setting afterward. And you’re only feeding into the drama he is seeking, which will train him to be an even louder bully. As frustrating as it may be, I’d say you’re best off accepting that he’s simply not your problem to fix.

      • CalAtty

        I completely agree with this. Don’t act as if it is acceptable. Entire families can become dysfunctional by the way they respond to one person’s dysfunctionality.

    • Baconpancakes

      If your aunt is unhappy, and it sounds like she’s taking the brunt of his abuse (and that’s what it is), I would be more worried about her getting out of the marriage than fielding insults at the dinner table. You can’t make someone leave, of course, but encouraging her to seek therapy (an oft-repeated call on thissite, I know) would be my first step.

      She isn’t responsible for him, and if he’s going to be abusive, it doesn’t matter how estranged or disabled he is – it’s not her job to be unhappy for his sake. He sounds like he’s decided to be unhappy no matter what, so her staying or going would really only impact her own happiness.

      BUT as you said, you’re focused on just getting through dinner. I would call a family meeting with everyone else, and agree to treat him like a child when he starts acting like one, and just simply ignore him. If he says something insulting, everyone should ignore it, and basically talk over his head. If no one engages him, he’ll either give up, or leave the family gathering. The second option might mean you get less time with your aunt, but it’s also not YOUR responsibility to put up with his shenanigans.

      • Family problems

        She’s unhappy, but maintains that there are still enough good times that she appreciates. She has always said that he’s different when they’re alone – I know he’s still verbally abusive, but it’s always way worse when other people are around. I told her that I and all her friends would support her if she decides to leave and that she has to watch out for herself, but I just don’t think she will right now. I’ll ask about therapy – I know she’s gone off and on, but maybe it would be good to go again. She knows he won’t change, but maybe if she hears that it’s not her “fault” for leaving him from someone who isn’t family, it will be easier to internalize.

    • sf

      Honestly, it sounds like he is mentally ill – perhaps with depression or a personality disorder. Depression can manifest in older men like this. It is very unlikely he will not change without aggressive therapy and a desire to change. Your aunt is also probably depressed as well, or honestly, why would she still be there? But I also find as people get older, many people feel they are trapped (financially?) and can put up with terrible abuse.

      If it is this bad when family/people are around, I can only imagine how terrible it must be for her when she is alone. I am sure it is hell on earth, at times.

      I strongly favor not abandoning your aunt, and encouraging her strongly to see a therapist or to find a support group. But I also strongly support being firm and direct to him when he says something impolite/rude/abusive.

      “I know your are having problems with your health and are angry, but you cannot talk to me this way. Stop it.” If possible, with strong direct eye contact, and immediately change the subject. If it continues, leave. See your aunt as much as possible without her husband.

      BUT make sure you reward him for good behavior. Yes, like a child….

      It may also get worse as he ages, and may involve to a full blown mood disorder (ex. bipolar disorder) or borderline personality disorder, or start including substance abuse (if it doesn’t already)… or for some, evolve into dementia. I have seen them all…

      • mascot

        Yes, I was thinking there may be a mental health component to this as well. Especially since his behavior is worsening.

      • Family problems

        Thanks so much, everyone. I’ve just e-mailed her with some of the ideas suggested here (including support for her getting therapy or anything she wants). I do wonder if there may be a stronger mental health component than I previously considered. It would explain a lot of things, especially the progression from being unpleasant to intolerably nasty.

        • sf

          I would also suggest this…. Ask his aunt if he has a primary care doctor. He must if he has a lot of medical problems. Hopefully, he likes/trusts this doctor. The aunt should call the doctor and ask to speak with him privately and reveal what is going on… and she should feel free to say she is a little frightened to share this with him, and could he keep their discussion private. The doctor then has the cues to start asking about mood issues at the next visit (changes in sleep/eating/interest/anger/agitation/anxiety etc…).

          And there are MANY medicines that have impact on mood/behavior that can help other things as well. So the unwilling (usually male…) patient can sometimes be convinced to try a nerve pain medication for their diabetic neuropathy (numb/painful feet) that actually has a nice “side effect” as being an anti-depressant (eg. Effexor or generic Cymbalta).

          Also, there are many medications that can cause behavioral changes as a side effect, so the doctor needs to know about these changes in behavior regardless.

          Thank for your helping your Aunt and Uncle during this rough time. It is really horrible to be in your aunt’s situation.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Emma, I think it’s fine for the doctor to listen to Aunt, he just can’t discuss Uncle’s health or treatment with Aunt without Uncle’s permission.

          • sf

            This is absolutely ethical, and is often the only way some neurologists, psychiatrists and primary doctors find out what is going when when patients have poor insight. This is commonly a problem with some psychiatric diseases and dementia, which can be very rough on families and caregivers.

            I am a doctor.

            Doctors are not supposed to REVEAL medical information about their patient, but you can always inform them about their patients. I always welcome this input, and have never had an inappropriate situation evolve from it, fortunately. Most people are decent and trying to help their loved ones.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      A few things:

      1. There are no magic words that will make this guy stop. If words were going to work, the normal ones like “let’s not talk about this,” would be working already. So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to “make him” stop being terrible. Short of holding him down and duct-taping his mouth shut, you’re not going to be able to shut him up.

      2. There’s also probably no point in “standing up for yourself” in the traditional sense, meaning that probably nothing productive will come from the usual “I don’t like that/I won’t tolerate that behavior from you/etc.” that you’d employ to stand up for yourself in normal circumstances.

      3. So here’s what you can do: Avoid him whenever possible, make plans one-on-one with your aunt whenever you can, and when you are with your aunt, keep the focus on her – her interests, her life, her career, her hobbies, whatever. It sounds like her whole world at home already revolves around her terrible husband; don’t make her social life be about him as well. A family member left a verbally abusive husband recently after about 30 years of marriage, and she’s said that the biggest thing that helped her become “ready” was having experiences that reminded her of what her life could be like without him, with people who spent their time with her focused on her, rather than on how much she needed to leave him. Basically, don’t tell her there’s a better life out there for her without him – *show her* there’s a better life out there for her without him.

      4. What you can do, part 2: On the rare occasions you need to be around him, ignore him. Say hello when you get there, say goodbye when you leave, thank him for passing the peas at the dinner table or whatever, and then otherwise ignore him. It’ll feel kind of bizarre, and he’ll probably yell even more, but if you just keep leaving whatever room he’s yelling in without comment, it’ll (a) allow you to escape the yelling, which is awesome; and (b) communicate that his behavior’s inappropriate in a way he can’t argue with, because you’re not actually saying anything. If he starts following you around or otherwise doing anything that makes you feel unsafe, tell your aunt/the host/whoever you need to that you’re leaving because Uncle is making you uncomfortable, thank them for their hospitality, and leave the entire event. (Also, I wouldn’t invite him into my own home under the current circumstances, because I’d be concerned that, when I felt I needed to get out of his presence, it would be too difficult to try to make him leave – it sounds like it’s safer with this guy right now to only see him in locations that you can easily leave yourself as needed.)

      • Anon for This

        I was in a marriage that sounds similar to your aunt’s. I think Killer Kitten Heels’s advice is spot on. Don’t do what most of my family did and just abandon her because you can’t cope with him.

        I finally got out and yes, one of the things that really helped was spending time with the few people who stuck around, and remembering what it was like to have normal pleasant interactions.

    • Family problems

      She responded thanking me, but insisting that it’s different when they’re alone and that they both enjoy their time and life together. She said that she’ll have a serious talk with him (as usual) about how unacceptable his behavior has become. I know there’s an element of truth in what she says about him only truly being horrid when others are around, such as at family gatherings, but still, I think it could be so much better for her. It’s like she doesn’t want to believe that she can find someone who is wonderful in public as well as in private. I don’t know what else she can do, though – she has a lot of hobbies, a big group of friends, enough of her own money to get out if she really needs to, etc. He doesn’t seem to try to stop her from engaging in those activities without him, either. If she insists that she’s happy enough to stay and that she would feel guilty leaving, maybe it’s just going to have to be on me to avoid the situations that “trigger” his terrible side.

      You ladies are all so helpful. Thank you for the great advice and thoughts.

  2. In the Pink

    In following up to last week’s thread I had on “ageing” and being on this site…

    I rise to the challenge of a new title on the lady garden theme.

    What about: xeriscaping

  3. AN

    Ladies, oscar best/ worst dressed opinions?

    I’ll start:

    Best: Cate blanchett, lupita nyong’o and JLaw
    Worst: Anna Kendrick, Elsa Pataky
    Meh: Amy Adams

    • Oscar

      best: Amy Adams; Sandra Bullock; Cate Blanchett; Calista Flockhart; Kristen Bell;

      worst: Kate Hudson (what were those funny wings?); Anne Hathaway; Angelina Jolie; Jennifer Garner (I’m so disappointed…I love her); Emma Watson (can you see her legs through her dress? that’s sad–I love her too)

      meh: Julia Roberts (the peplum was funny); Meryl Streep (very age-appropriate); Bette Midler (I actually kind of like this one?); CHarlize Theron

      • Pink

        I totally thought “business formal appropriate red carpet” when I saw Amy Adams. hahaha.

    • NOLA

      Best: JLaw, Charlize Theron, Cate Blanchett

      I really liked Amy Adams’ dress. I also really liked the dress Bette Midler wore for her song. She looked tiny and the dress fit her perfectly.

      Elsa Pataky is pregnant with twins so I’d give her a pass. But Kerry Washington looked beautiful. Her hair and makeup were just about perfect.

      I thought Angelina Jolie looked frumpy. Jennifer Garner’s dress didn’t look like much until she walked on stage. Fun! I also wasn’t wild about Julia Roberts’ dress with the lace and peplum. It looked odd in photographs.

      • Senior Associate

        I actually loved Jennifer Garner’s dress in movement. I thought it was beautiful. But man, Jennifer Garner needs to find herself an Oscar-potential role. After spending last year supporting her husband and Argo, and spending this year supporting Matthew McC and Jared Leto, isn’t it her turn to be in the spotlight for her own work? I love her and she’s so good in the right parts. (Her role in Juno never fails to make me cry.)

    • Kathryn

      I agree with your best, except I would include Amy Adams. Her dress was super flattering. In fact I slightly preferred it to JLaw’s. Lupita’s was amazing.

      I also sort of disliked Kristen Chenoweth’s dress. The top of it was gaping away from her chest so much, if you were standing near her you probably could have seen straight down it.

      • Diana Barry

        Loved Amy Adams’s dress – it fit her like a glove. Fit is so important! :) Also liked Lupita’s (but not her headband – would have preferred little jewels here and there).

        Did NOT like Julia Roberts or all of the pale/white t-shirt dresses (Naomi Watts et al), and particularly not Angelina Jolie’s dress – not flattering at all.

        I liked JLaw’s dress but not her poufy hair.

    • TBK

      I’m giving Elsa Pataky a pass on anything. If you’re pregnant with twins and can still manage to put on an evening dress and look halfway presentable, you win in my book. I have trouble just putting on pants these days, any pants.

      • no snark intended

        Sure, she’s preggo with twins, but that doesn’t give her any excuse to put her belly into what amounts to be a shirt tucked into a pair of pants a la beer-belly. If her dress had been an empire waist or a Grecian thing, it would have been gorgeous. The color and the beading was lovely. But the waist-gather was just in the wrong place.

        The fact of the matter is, IMHO, it looks like she was trying to stuff her old man belly into a t-shirt and jeans below the belt. Almost like Hank Hill.

        • Anonymous

          Why would she need an excuse? Surely all she owes anyone is showing up with clothes on?

        • tesyaa

          It’s not flattering but it’s excusable. When you get that big you get tired of wearing tents and want to do something, anything to show you have some shaping somewhere.

        • anonymama

          Whaat! It was a lovely gown, with not the greatest fit, but certainly far from Hank Hill territory. But considering how fast size can change at that point in a pregnancy, it would be really hard to get her in something fitted without risking her outgrowing it before the ceremony.

    • hellskitchen

      Best: Camila Alves. I thought her gown was sleek and structured and the blush pink color made her skin glow.
      Runners-up: JLaw (the red-orange shade of her dress is amazing), Sandra Bullock and Naomi Watts (white done right on the red carpet)

      Meh: Amy Adams, Olivia Wilde, Cate Blanchett, P Cruz

      Worst: Anne Hathaway, Anna Kendrick, and all the ladies who seemed to have raided the same bling shop (A Jolie, J Garner, J Biel)

      • Alanna of Trebond

        Agree. I wanted that blush gown. I didn’t really like J Law’s dress, but loved Cate Blanchetts.

    • Susie

      Best: Sandra Bullock, hands down. Amy Adams second.
      Worst: surprisingly no outright bombs besides Pharell. Sally Hawkins was too old-fashioned, Liza Minelli was not dressy enough, and I didn’t care for Glen Close’s. Oh also Anna Kendrick’s dress was too tacky for Oscars in my opinion.
      I personally did not care for Lupita’s dress on her – it made her look like she has a man’s chest.
      As I mentioned on the weekend thread I think there were far too many bridal-inspired dresses.

      • Godzilla

        “I personally did not care for Lupita’s dress on her – it made her look like she has a man’s chest.” – Uh, WHAT????????

        • Anonymous

          What are you questioning? I thought the same thing, as did everyone I was watching with. It’s fine that she has a small chest and is very muscular (like a man), but that particular dress was not flattering with that type of body. It needed a panel or something. She looks amazing in things with a higher neckline.

          • Susie

            Thanks, this is exactly what I meant. I’m not saying she needs to go out and buy big fake balloons, just that certain types of dresses would look better on her particular body type.

          • Anon

            Women who have a small chest and are very muscular don’t look like men. They look like women…with small b***bs and muscles. Because that’s how some of us are.

          • Anonymous

            I have never seen her before so I have no idea if she has small, medium, or large breasts because the dress covered it completely, and only showed her admittedly bony sternum and collarbone area. I don’t think she looked manly AT ALL–I think she looked like a billowing princess–but I do think the way the dress was shaped to cover her chest and only show the flat collarbone parts is a little more reminiscent of what you’re used to seeing with guys in v-necks.

          • L

            Right. Not manly, not necessarily the most flattering neckline for her body type.

            And as for the whole WOC point, I can name off the top of my head who have similar body types – Keira Knighly, Debra Messing, Claire Danes, Cameron Diaz – all of them would have looked similar in said dress.

        • Isabelle

          Godzilla, I’m really struggling to figure out why this is so offensive to you. Men and women have physical characteristics that *tend* to look different.

          This thread is also for people’s *opinions* so I’m just not seeing what there is to get so fired up about. (no pun intended!)

          • Kanye East

            Isabelle, Godzilla is upset because some of these comments are sexist and racist. “It’s just a fashion blog!” doesn’t excuse sexism and racism.

            And before anybody comes at me demanding to know how any of this is racist, consider the fact that all of this bodysnarking is aimed at a WOC. Nobody’s talking about plunging necklines on flat-chested white women.

          • zora

            That’s the thing: i am the one of the biggest anti-body-shaming crusaders out there, but I felt like the comment in question (by Susie) was clearly talking about THE DRESS, NOT about Lupita’s body. She was saying she didn’t think the dress flattered her. In my opinion, that’s exactly the *right* way to talk about fashion without body-shaming. So, I’m having trouble finding what Godzilla didn’t like here.

          • Kanye East

            zora, I disagree. People are talking about Lupita Nyong’o’s body. They are talking about her chest. How is “she has a small chest and is very muscular (like a man)” about the dress?

            I’m sorry but no. I can’t sit here and watch casual sexism and racism get a pass, let alone overt sexism and racism, without calling it out. These are some really appalling comments.

          • Godzilla

            I am questioning how shamelessly you and your acquaintances are so comfortable commenting on a woman’s body in a completely unacceptable manner. Comments such as: “I personally did not care for Lupita’s dress on her – it made her look like she has a man’s chest.” and “What are you questioning? I thought the same thing, as did everyone I was watching with. It’s fine that she has a small chest and is very muscular (like a man)…” are rude and simplifies a person to body parts. Also known as dehumanizing.

            Women wear v-necks. Men wear v-necks. Women have muscles. Men have muscles. Women can be pudgy with no muscle definition. Men can be pudgy with no muscle definition. As anon at 1:10pm points out, there are bodies of many shapes and styles across genders. Either you sit there and point out everyone’s physical inadequacies according to your world view or nobody’s.

            And as Kanye correctly points out, there were other women of similar build with similar necklines. No comments regarding their physique were brought up. The body-shaming was limited to a prominent woman of color. Of course, there was pregnant-body snarking as well upthread but I’m not even going there.

            I am not black or skinny or “built” but I am a woman. And as a woman, I am disgusted with these comments.

          • zora

            of course, not implying that you shouldn’t be saying anything or calling out what you see at all! I just genuinely think I’m reading a different intent than you and Godzilla. But i’m going to keep thinking about it, we should always continue to be critical about our words around bodies, gender and race. Thanks.

          • Anonymous

            It is absolutely absurd to make this a race issue because she happens to be black. Body snarking, maybe (to the extent of saying X would look better than Y due to her physical characteristics), but the comments had nothing to do with her race and it’s hysterical to act like they did. As someone else said, any woman of another race with the same physical characteristics would have looked better in a different dress.

            It just makes it hard to take any of your criticisms of the comments seriously if you’re going to demand that it’s about race in any way.

            Query: are we allowed to say that X color looks nice on a person because of their skin tone? What about saying a color “washes someone out” or doesn’t flatter their skin tone? Because that seems more about race than saying a plunging neckline isn’t a great pick for someone with really, really small breasts.

          • Kanye East

            You know what, Anonymous? I come here to talk with people like zora, who think and listen and make me think and listen. You’re not contributing anything, and you’re not making yourself look very good in the process.

            I guess just hope you get some kind of demented pleasure out of calling people hysterical and absurd on the internet just because they grasp concepts you choose not to understand. But don’t you dare deny that “it’s about race in any way” just because you choose not to understand how certain subjects and certain discussions are inherently racially coded, whether they’re intended to be or not.

          • Bonnie

            There was nothing about the comment that was racist. The fact that she is a WOC does not make any comment about her racially based. Rightfully or wrongfully, comments about her body type could be made across the races.

          • Joanna Toews

            Oh my lord. The comments are absolutlely, definitely racist. Instead of trying to justify how they’re not racist in the least, you’d best be served by thinking about why the comments were made in the first place, and why you think they’re so acceptable.

            Bonnie: The comments about her body type COULD be made “across the races,” but they weren’t. Why do you think that is?

          • Bonnie

            Because she’s the only one with that body type wearing that type of dress at the Oscars.

          • Joanna Toews

            Off the top of my head… from the last few years on the red carpet…

        • Alana

          Thank you for speaking up, Godzilla.

          Due to the popularity of implants and rise in body mass index, Lupita’s build is uncommon. However, it is one of many type of body types women have. Although many may be unfamiliar with the historical context, calling a black woman “a man” or “like a man” or something similar is part of historical and current discrimination against black women. Why give someone the benefit of the doubt when she can take it like a man? Sojourner Truth asked, “Ain’t I a woman?” and the question is still relevant today.

          This blog is great with amazing commenters, but there does seem to be an “everything must be perfect according to narrow standards” mentality here. Our society has a slender hourglass as its ideal. As women in this society, we are encouraged to dress in ways to highlight some areas and deemphasize others in order to give the appearance of an hourglass. However, I think it can take the joy out of fashion. Some small-breasted women will wear a deep v-neck. Some short women enjoy maxi-dresses. Some tall women enjoy heels. Some women with hips enjoy wearing form-fitting skirts. Not everyone is going to court every day.

          • Ridiculous

            The white guilt in this thread is palpable. So now, calling a woman who is very muscular — an attribute normally associated with men — with small breasts (which doesn’t help with the womanly aspect of things) has to do with race? There is no shortage of white women with no boobs and scrawny yet strangely tendon-y figures floating around right now as the athletic-yet-still waif-like thing has been a figure trend for a while now. Madonna’s arms have been commented on on more than one occasion where she has been called manly. And since OP didn’t overtly intend any racism in their comment, for you to automatically pull the race card makes you seem like a person with a huge chip on your shoulder deliberately misconstruing another person’s language to fuel your own misgivings. Why do you assume the worst about people?

    • Anon for this

      Best – Sandra Bullock
      Worst – Camilla Alves – ick pepto color and way too much fabric. 1965 called and wants it’s mother of the bride dress back.

    • AIMS

      Bette Midler – forget the dress – looked amazing. Born in 1945!! Her red carpet dress was also pretty fabulous.

    • LH

      Best: Charlize Theron and Lupita Nyong’o. At first, I thought Lupita’s dress was a little boring but it grew on me – the color was just perfect for her and I loved the pleating and the little sparkly details on the skirt. I would have loved a necklace instead of that goofy headband that looked like it came from Claire’s though. And unlike the posters above, I think you actually need a very small chest to pull of a plunging necklace like that, at least if you’re going for fashiony and elegant as opposed to $exy. I also thought Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Hudson and Camila McConaughey were very pretty.
      Worst: I didn’t think there were any huge misses as compared to most other awards shows. Elsa Pateky and Kerry Washington were some of my least favorites, but I give them a pass for being pregnant (and Kerry’s dress was a huge improvement over a lot of what she’s worn in the past, pregnant or not). Ann Kendrick’s was not great but not a total trainwreck.
      Meh: Amy Adams and Sandra Bullock. Both dresses fit great and were a pretty color (although better with Amy’s skintone than Sandra’s, I thought) but just didn’t do it for me. Sandy B had my favorite hair and makeup look though.

      • Bonnie

        I hated that headband and thought it made her look like a little girl. The dress was gorgeous but could have been fitted better and needed a necklace.

  4. BB

    The links thread last week made me think of this: Where do you Boston area ladies donate your clothes?

    I have some things that I really don’t need anymore, and most of it is quite nice (Kate Spade purse, Karen Millen dress, several never worn BR sweaters), so I feel a bit weird just throwing it all into a Salvation Army bin.

    • Two Cents

      If you are interested in consigning, I really like Second Time Around and Found. If you want to donate, maybe try Dress for Sucess?

    • Anon

      This question is confusing. Are you looking to donate your clothes, or to sell them? If you are looking to sell/consign, please make that clear. Because this reads as though you’d rather donate your quite nice clothing to someone who needs clothing, and yet is somehow more worthy of your quite nice things than someone shopping at Salvation Army.

      • mascot

        Along those lines, some thrift stores do separate out higher end items for “boutique” sales that carry higher prices than the other merchandise. They then sell them either online or in special display cases in the store. I can’t help you with Boston specific though.

      • BB

        Donate. I doubt I can make more than a few bucks per item. My point was that I’d rather not have them mold away somewhere in a donation bin (although if that’s actually an effective way to do it, that’s fine too).

      • Sarabeth

        Meh, it read to me just like she’s trying to make sure that whomever she donates to gets the most benefit from her donation.

        • Anonymous

          Same. Some donation places will just mark any item of clothing with the same price (ie., all dresses in the same condition of wear are $10). It sounds to me like OP wants to make sure the place she donates the dress gets the benefit of the dress’s value by selling it for what it’s worth, rather than the eventual purchaser getting a “steal” (because anyone can shop there, and I know many six-figure lawyers who do–personally, I’d rather Goodwill or Salvation Army get $30 from that person than that person get a super cheap brand name dress).

        • BB

          Honestly, I also just don’t know how those donation bins work. There’s one near me in a sort of sketchy industrial parking lot, and I don’t know if I throw things in there, do they just sit and rot? Does someone actually take the time to look through them? It’s stupid, I know, but I feel bad that my nice stuff might just get thrown in the rag pile when someone could get an awesome steal on a great dress! :)

          • rosie

            Look for a place near you that collects professional and nicer clothing and requires it to be dropped off on hangers.

    • Anonymous

      I like Boomerangs in the South End. It’s their “higher end” curated shop, and I like that they support the AIDS Action Committee.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’d consign the Kate Spade and the Karen Millen, and donate the rest to Boomerangs or Goodwill (which actually maintains an online auction site for higher-end stuff that’s donated, so if you really don’t want to deal with consignment, that’d be a good destination for the Spade & Millen too).

  5. anon in tejas

    threadjack.

    I bought two suits on sale from Austin Reed last week. I have never ordered from them before, but I am hopeful, since the prices were so good that I’ll be able to retire a few of my well worn favorites for these newer ones.

    anyone else order from them? please tell me how awesome they are.

    • MJ

      I’m the one that suggested AR. I don’t have any full suits from them bc they do not carry tall jackets to fit my monkey arms. I have a lot of skirts and shirts/blouses from there. Their quality is usually really high–nice linings and such, wools with a good hand-feel. Austin Reed has a royal warrant (to dress the Queen), and those aren’t given out lightly.

      I hope you like them. Their fit is pretty TTS in my size range, and I hope they fit you!

      • anon in tejas

        Thanks MJ! I am excited, but a little concerned about the UK to US sizing. But honestly, the prices were so great, that even if a little tailoring is required, I’ll be pretty happy. Thanks again for the suggestion. Sorry that you can’t wear more of their stuff. I wanted to buy ALL THE THINGS when I went to the website!

  6. Baconpancakes

    How do you ladies feel about the pastels thing this spring? I’m kind of in love with pink blazers right now.

    I’m looking at mint flats as well, but as I don’t want to invest in them, the only ones I’ve found that won’t break the bank are from ASOS, and are more cool blue than mint. Anyone else have any favorite pastel pieces they’re looking at for spring?

    • kjoirishlastname

      Pastels tend to wash me out, but the possibility exists that given the right scenario, I can make them work again. I was born with platinum blonde hair, and I kept it blonde (with assistance) through about 2005 or so. I kept getting less and less assistance until 2008 when I decided to go dark. With the darker hair, I wore a lot more brights & jewel tones. I let it pretty well grow out/fade, and got a full head of highlights to take out brassiness in December 2012, didn’t color it for a year, and then just last month go it highlighted again to bring some blonde back in. Prior to coloring most recently, it was a sandy brown with some pretty light highlights naturally. I suspect that’s about as close to my natural color as I will be without totally eschewing color.

      I am foreseeing that I will probably get some more highlights in another few months to bring it up another notch. I feel that once I get that done, I will be able to handle the pastels a little better. I have neutral-cool very fair skin and hazel eyes.

      I think that if you pair pastels with a bolder color, it is totally workable. Mint and bright pink, or mint & navy would be really pretty combinations.

      I was just about dog-earing every page in the Lands End catalog this weekend…so pretty.

    • MZ Wallace Q

      I think that they can work, but sometimes you have to re-work your neutrals and accessories. My winter neutral is black, but I try to work in more tan and white as it warms up. Pastels and black can be tricky, but if you throw in other colors so that black is more of an accent, it can work. I have dark hair and a ruddy complexion, so I can’t wear pink or tan near my face at all, but I can do things in the blue family, especially with some white.

        • Baconpancakes

          Thank you, Bonnie! I looked for a week and you managed to find the perfect ones straight away!

          And to everyone who says they want to but can’t wear pastels, I’d suggest shoes or a purse. It’s far away from your face, so it shouldn’t clash.

          The problem for me is also matching to my wardrobe. I also mostly wear black as neutrals, but fortunately had been veering towards grey lately, so it’s a happy coincidence that pastel is “in” right now. Normally I’m not a pastel person, either, but I’m just so sick of this winter, I want something that says SPRING!

    • Monday

      For some reason pastels feel very wrong for me. I think it’s partly my coloring but mostly my personality. I know they’re all over the place for spring this year, but I’ll mostly be sitting it out.

      At the same time, I own a million white and ivory items, from shoes to coats and both tops and bottoms. I often get the “how in the world do you keep those clean?!” Olivia Pope comments. So light colors aren’t the problem–it’s just something about pastels. They feel too sweet/cute/girly.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. My coloring is not good for pastels either (I can wear pink but nothing else), but more than that I just don’t like the easter-egg look.

      • Baconpancakes

        So… how DO you keep them clean?

        I have one pair of white jeans that I can wash and bleach with impunity, but I’m terrified to buy one of those gorgeous white sheath dresses that are everywhere for fear of the coffee stains I have on 90% of my clothing.

        • Monday

          So, I have found that stain removers are risky with true whites. They sometimes just spread the stain around and make it harder for professionals to handle later. For that matter, dry cleaners don’t always solve the problem either! What has never gone wrong for me is dish soap. Apply as soon as possible after the stain, rinse out with water a few minutes later.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Pastels don’t work for my colouring at all, so I will have to pass on this trend! I do like mint and pink, but I would have a hard time not looking washed out.

      • Cb

        I need more saturated colors. Which is great for my wallet as I don’t shop March – July.

  7. dreams

    Someone please tell me that I’m not crazy/abnormal…(at least not for this reason…)

    I have dreams of at least a PG-13 – sometimes R-related nature about gentlemen other than my husband. Sometimes they are people (friends) that I know and love as friends, other times, it’s a particular ex-boyfriend; and other times, it is a complete stranger. I don’t remember the details of the dream that I had this morning that made me re-visit this conundrum, but the subject of the dream is one of my good friends (in our big, mutual circle of friends) who was recently widowed…I’ve known him, and have been friends with him as long as I have known my husband–but he was always with his now-deceased wife. She and I were good friends.

    I have no desire whatsoever to act on any of these dreams…they’re just dreams, and hubs and I are very happy in our relationship. But, I suspect that Those Sorts of dreams involving folks other than one’s SO are not totally out of the ordinary??

    • Abby Lockhart

      I’ve heard that these kinds of dreams are about a desire to please someone, rather than actual s#%ual desire. That explanation seems to make sense with respect to your dream about your recently-widowed friend.

    • anon now!

      Ha! Every time I’m pregnant (well, twice so far) I have these shocking intense p*rn*graphic dreams about people other than my husband. At least once a week. They are all people that I would never, ever in a million years in real life want to be with. They also usually involve activities that I would never want to engage in in real life. And my husband says he has totally woken up to me saying “oh yeah” or something to that effect…

    • Baconpancakes

      Dreams are basically undecipherable, and LGP dreams with folks other than your SO are completely normal. Some people even have those kinds of dreams about people of the gender they’re not attracted to! It really doesn’t mean anything.

  8. MZ Wallace Q

    Do they ever have sales (like Memorial Day or Black Friday)? I have an infatuation with the Jane and Bea bags going on at the moment. It is so bad that I gave my current (highly praised on this site) bag the stink eye this morning. If this hasn’t passed by the time my Lent Shopping Fast is over, I’d consider it especially if I could purchase it on somewhat of a sale (so not a rush out on Easter Monday to buy it).

    [I know it’s not Lent today, but I bought a bag once when I was in the throes of having to have it and should have just myself wait it out. And since I’m running up against a shopping ban, that heightens the risk of bad impulse buys.]

  9. Diana Barry

    Hey ladies,

    Anyone have tips for avoiding crankiness during PMS time? Lately I have been getting really awful cranky PMS days (4-5 days before TOM) and it is terrible – I am cranky and the kids get cranky and then I yell at them and generally feel RAWR at the world.

    Are those PLEATED LEATHER SHORTS? Good grief!

    • Pink

      One holistic practictioner type told me diet can affect how (badly) PMS can affect your moods. I think it can be cyclical (e.g. I was really feeling it in 4th quarter of last year, this year it’s milder). For me, realizing that that is what is going on allows me to acknowledge it and then get a little less RAWR.

      • no snark intended

        +1 to realization of the inevitable. If I take a minute to collect myself before RAWRing at someone (usu hubs or kids), and remind myself that it is hormonal, and that I can get through this, it usually helps. Realizing it is ME and not THEM helps me to put it into perspective and not go as apesh!t.

        • Diana Barry

          Yeah, I tried that but it didn’t work. It is particularly hard when 2 or 3 kids are whining or asking for things at once!

      • Katie

        A friend of mine used to swear by calcium (thinks lots of yogurt) to improve her mood.

      • CKB

        I’ve been less RAWR-ish lately, and it might be related to increasing protein in my diet. But it could be just my changing hormones, too. B00bs get so sore now, when a 2-3 years ago they totally didn’t. Yay for changing hormones.

    • CSB

      After 2 kids and a tubal ligation (so no more birth control), my doctor put me on a child’s dose of prozac. When he wrote the prescription, he said, “this is the only medicine I’ve ever prescribed that a family member has called me to thank me.” My husband would fully agree with that. I would go as far as saying it’s changed my life.

      Also, I take melatonin before bed every night. It helps me sleep, and I feel way less angry during the day.

      Most importantly, when I’m feeling this way, I tell my husband. He tends to help more with the kids and let me spend more time by myself so I don’t lose my cool.

    • Senior Associate

      Maybe try experimenting with fish oil, Vitamin D, protein,sunshine, and exercise. Those are all things that have helped me through hormonal shifts of various sorts. You also might want to think about scheduling something nice for yourself during those bad days – for me it would be a massage, but YMMV.

    • anon

      for me – the pill. no pms/no bloating/no anything uncomfortable related to the time of the month. I know a lot of people don’t like hormornal BC but for me it’s game changing/totally worth it on this front.

  10. Anon

    Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping?

    I’m going to a black-tie event in a couple months and wanted a head-start on finding a dress. I’m young and petite (size 2-4) so I’d prefer something in a cocktail length. Budget is ideally $200 but will go up to $300 for the perfect dress.

    TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Have you thought about using Rent the Runway? You can really get a lot more bang for your buck, and if you don’t have a need for the dress in your closet, it’s perfect. They’ll send multiple sizes so you can be sure you get a good fit.

    • CountC

      Have you checked out Rent the Runway? I have used it for several events where I didn’t really want to purchase a $200 dress, but I wanted to wear one. There are real person customer reviews with pictures, so you get a much better idea of what dresses are flattering on what body type and how they fit. I have never ordered a dress and not had one of the two sizes they send fit (they send a second size free). I am your size and I have been very happy.

      I also have had them ship things to me at various locations I am traveling too. It’s a really great service that my friends and I use often. In fact, I am already checking out Kentucky Derby dresses!

    • Anon OP

      Unfortunately Rent the Runway is a no go because i live in Canada and they don’t ship here!

      • Equity's Darling

        There’s Rent Frock Repeat for Canada- I’ve used them before, I was generally pleased- the dress was gorgeous and fit well. I’d use them again.

    • a passion for fashion

      I’m not wild about rent the runway, but in any event, I think you can find a good dress in that price range. Does Nordstrom ship to canada? there are lots of options.

      I would also suggest floor length for a black tie event, but I think you can still find something to fit your style. Adrianna Papell, BCBG, Max & Cleo are all good brands that should fit your criteria.

      Otherwise, any color preference?

  11. Ashley

    I do not like any part of this outfit. The “shrunken” blazer just looks ill fitting, the blazer and top clash and only a fashion victim would pair these pieces with leather shorts. Baggy shorts at that. Really unattractive on all fronts.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Pricey Monday’s — I love pricey Monday’s but agree with the OP that it is to short and to expensive. I could NEVER wear this at work b/c I would need a VERY high waste, and my tuchus would come out the back end of this. FOOEY!! There are other way’s I can blow $450 then this, Kat, and beleive me, I WILL spend the money when dad unfreeze’s my credit card’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      I did watch the Oscar’s last nite, and LOVED Charleize Thereon’s dress, tho am SHOCKED that she would be dateing Shawn Pen. He is hardley the kind of guy I would want to be haveing sex with, especialy if I looked like her. I also liked Sandra Buloock’s dress, but wished she won the Oscar b/c so many other’s from that movie did! I did NOT care for the schrunchie on the black woman’s head. She seemed nice, but that is NOT the place for a schrunchie! Even the manageing partner came in to yell at ME about schrunchies, telleing me that now even movie star’s are wearing them. I told him that I can NOT influence MOVIE star’s–I follow them. I can’t wait to see what Marie Claire will say about the RED CARPET!

      There is another p’ost up top about some guy who is embarasing someone’s AUNT. I say FOOEY, why be married to a doosh? Dump the jack ass and find another person especialy if she is young and can find another guy to suport her. She does NOT have to live with an ass.

      Dad came in and bought me a Ipad MINI with retena display and 64 gigabite’s of memory. I wanted a bigger one, but he said I am NOT even useing 10 gigabite’s on my Iphone! I do NOT know how he evenknow’s that. Mabye he get’s a feed from APPLE like he get’s from Fitbit. Dad was happy with my tuchus for a change. I think he know’s that I am workeing out. He also did say I should look more like Myrna. How can I do that? I told him she was an athelete and I am not. He said to Myrna she should be married also, and Myrna agreed, but told him that guys in NYC just want to take our clotheing off, have sex, then walk out after they have sampeled our bodie’s. I think Dad know’s that b/c he did EXACTELY that when he was in the Army. He told Myrna I may have alot of half brother’s and sister’s in Europe! That is funny b/c they probabely all have bad teeth, but I do not b/c I go to Dr. Vine! YAY!!!!!

    • anon

      I intensely dislike the styling but might like the blazer with standard separates (pants, blouse).

  12. Pregnant and interviewing

    I’m currently about 8.5 months pregnant and looking for a new job (long story but basically my job ends when I go on leave and so I need to find something to come back to). I recently had a phone interview where I had intended to disclose my pregnancy to make sure the timing worked for everyone (if they need someone to start April 1, for example, it’s not going to work). But an insider at the company persuaded me not to. If I get called in for an in-person interview, do I tell them before I show up, or do I just waddle in there and let them figure it out? My husband is very skeptical of anyone hiring me when I’m this pregnant, but I feel like if they really don’t need someone to start until a few months from now, they should be okay with it.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t mention it. Mentioning it makes it seem like you think it will be a problem – instead, walk in there proud, but with a plan in your back pocket of how to address timing if it comes up.

    • LizNYC

      I know Ask a Manager is referenced on thissite frequently, but I believe that she’s had some posts and comments relevant to this situation. I think as long as you address the “elephant in the room,” so to speak, mention what start date you are envisioning, and focus your interview on the concrete plans/vision/skills you would bring to the role, that would win interviewers over more than anything. Good luck!

  13. Boden sizing / cut

    I ordered some thing recently and it seems like the waists on their dresses and tunics are creeping up. I’m 5-4 and my waist is already high. The waists on the clothes made them look vaguely maternity (with the volume below) and made me look vaguely pregnant (which I am not and have not recently been). I used to love them for weekend / casual wear. Has anyone else noticed this?

    • Mpls

      Yes – the fit and flare dresses (which are all the rage at the moment) seem to have higher waistlines, but the skirts aren’t longer, so the hemlines creep up. And then looks kind of twee to me.

    • In the Pink

      Yes…lots and lots of empire cuts in their last few years and the ones that are supposed to have a true waistline are higher too. I’ve banned myself from trying their dresses, despite beautiful fabrics. Too much returning etc. What a shame. I comment when I can but Boden must be still stuck on the young, straight figure. Darn. I was a loyal, and vigorous consumer of their wares in the past…

      Alternatives?

    • anne-on

      Yup. And I think they’ve had size creep too. I used to wear a UK 10/US 6 there, and maybe now that they sell more stuff to American’s I think they cut their clothing larger? I got two jackets and a pair of pants that were all at least 1-2 sizes too large. I may be done, cute stuff but not worth all the returns.

    • Anonattorney

      I really liked Boden until I actually ordered some dresses. The cuts were ridiculously awful on me. I even ordered them in tall and they still felt like babydoll dresses from the mid-90s. The waists hit me way too high. Then the skirt flares out and makes me feel like I’m 6 months pregnant. Never again. Never again.

  14. Valentinas

    Any comfort recommendations on these? I’m concerned that I can’t wear my little footies with them b/c of the D’Orsay styling. I’ve given up wearing hose, so I guess I’d have to wear these with bare feet (which often get torn up by work-type shoes with stiffer leather in them). I need some new pointy-toed work shoes and I’m happy that these are <3" high.

    • Cat

      I have a pair that I do wear with hose – I sized up by 1/2 a size, unusual for me with JCrew shoes. Comfort is good. If the front of the shoe works well with the way your foot bends when you walk, you could probably wear them without hose decently well. However, I found the leather on the inside of the heel to be a little scruffy (causes small snags in hose) so you may want moleskin for wearing solo.

  15. ezt

    Apologies in advance for those who are sick of pregnancy/ baby threads.

    Has anyone switched OBs later in pregnancy and what are the considerations? I’m 25 weeks right now, and thinking about switching doctors, for the following reasons: 1) I stuck with my OB in the city (NYC), although we moved to the burbs. She delivers only in one hospital in the city, but I’m increasingly seeing that city hospitals are overcrowded and not that great, and have heard great things about some hospitals closer to us; 2) relatedly, we’ve realized that because of crowding, we almost definitely can’t get a private room at the hospital in the city that my OB delivers at, which would mean my husband would have to travel back and forth over an hour rather than stay with me; 3) I’m not that happy with my OB anyway, she is not very responsive and is a bit of an airhead. Complicating factor is that I just got diagnosed with gestational diabetes on Friday (ugh!!!) which seems to go both ways, since I am having trouble getting in touch with anyone at the city hospital’s diabetes clinic, and seems like I wouldn’t get the greatest treatment/service — but, as a complicated patient I might have more trouble switching? Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

    • Diana Barry

      I would switch. Non private room plus hour plus to the hospital both sound awful.

      Good luck with your GD!

    • Kathryn

      I don’t have experience with this but it sounds like you have more than enough reason to switch. You might as well call a few doctors in your area and speak to them about your current diagnosis, what would be involved in switching, etc. You should be as comfortable as possible with your doctor before your delivery, and same with the hospital during your delivery!

    • Sarabeth

      I moved countries at 35.5 weeks and, obviously, switched practices then. I don’t know that all offices will take on new patients that far along; I arranged my switch well in advance. Also, my pregnancy was uncomplicated. But I had no problems, and it seems that if you just got the GD diagnosis it might be a good time to switch, before you’ve been seen at the city hospital’s clinic. If you can, I’d get recs from some local friends and call around today to see what your options are. Honestly, I’d consider switching if only not to have to have an hour long drive to the hospital when the time comes – that sounds potentially unpleasant!

      • ezt

        Tesyaa, I’m hadn’t thought of that – do insurance companies raise a stink about switching providers, even if both take the insurance plan?

        • OCAssociate

          My friend wasn’t allowed to switch OBs mid-pregnancy unless she could prove some sort of change in circumstances to the insurer. Your move to the suburbs might qualify, though.

          And gestational diabetes sucks – I have it for the second time right now. I hope you make progress getting a decent diet plan and support.

          • ezt

            Thanks OC! I called my insurance and they said I was free to change providers at any time and the only thing they’d need to know about is if I needed a longer hospital stay. I wouldn’t have thought of checking though so thank you all for the thought!

    • ANP

      Switch. My OB didn’t deliver either of my kids, who were both born on Sundays when he wasn’t on call. You need to feel 150% comfortable with the facility where you’ll be delivering and proximity to home is critical. This is a no-brainer for me, even though I imagine it must seem super nerve-wracking. Good luck!

    • snowy

      Jaclyn Day wrote about switching sometime after 20 weeks, I think, because of a bad experience w/ her OB. If you search #pregnancy on her blog, she has written a few well-thought-out posts about her decision that might be helpful.

    • anon-oh-no

      I switched during my first pregnancy because I moved states around 20 weeks. I think i was 22 weeks when I went to the new one in the new state.

      I also very much disliked my first OBGYN but did not change becuase I knew I was moving and would change then. My new OBGYN (and still my dr., 7 years later) is amazing. The difference between the two made my pregnancy so, so much better.

      The only potential drawback I can see is that you will likely have to visit all of the drs in the new practice. For me, this meant I did not see a whole lot of my actual dr (though he was the only dr I saw with baby #2). This was not a bad thing for me because the whole practice is awesome, but it is something to consider.

      In any event, if I were you, I would switch. A dr. you dont love can make it bad, but a good or really good dr. can make it so much better.

    • Senior Associate

      Just switch. I’ve delivered at a hospital with a shared recovery room and a private recovery room and the private recovery room is ESSENTIAL. When it came time for the second baby, the only thing I really cared about was making sure I got a private room. And while GD is a bummer of a complication, it’s not so complicated or high-risk that a new OB wouldn’t take you.

    • anon for this because don't want to be flamed - just want to inform

      The most important thing for me when I was choosing a hospital – that you didn’t mention – is the existence of a Level 3 trauma center for newborns or other top-notch newborn NICU facilities. I ultimately decided to deliver in a no-frills city hospital because I wanted the peace of mind of knowing that my child would receive the best possible care if anything went wrong (and now you are a high-risk pregnancy, something is much more likely to go wrong unless you have an elective c). In suburban satellite hospitals, the baby often needs to be transferred to a larger hospital in a very traumatic state to receive proper care. Just something to think about as you consider you own preferences and something to discuss if you do switch a dr who delivers at a satellite campus hopistal.

      • ezt

        Totally, thank you for the thought – the only local hospitals I’m considering are those with NICUs.

      • anne-on

        Good point. We delivered at a local hospital that had a great NICU and also a relationship with one of the world’s best pediatric hospitals. Less fancy rooms, but better docs.

    • TBK

      OMG switch! No private room would be a total deal-breaker for me on its own. (We picked a hospital that has only private rooms specifically to make sure I’d get one since our insurance only guarantees “semi-private.”)

    • Brant

      Eh, I had an uncomplicated v@ginal delivery. My OB’s office has 7 docs. I’d met with 6 of them. Guess who delivered my baby? The only one I’d never met.

      On balance, I spent a lot of time thinking about the hospital. And I LOVED my hospital. Private room, snacks, bed for the hubby, etc. etc. And everyone bent over backward for me.

      I say switch.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      As a non-mom reading this I’m thinking what happens if someone who never got any pre-natal care just shows up at the hospital in labor. A doctor delivers their baby, right? What happens if you are away from your home hospital and go into labor and go to the hospital where you are? Someone delivers your baby. I am on team switch, even if that means using your OB for the GD and going to the hospital you want for your labor and taking who you get – though I am clearly extremely under informed on this issue.

      • TBK

        All that’s true, but it’s better to go to the hospital where your doctor is. You generally call your doctor when you’re in labor and s/he tells you when to head to the hospital, then gives the hospital the head’s up that you’re coming. All your charts and history will be right there and the nurses will know what to do with you immediately. Especially important with a complicated pregnancy.

      • Non mom

        I’ve always been curious about this. A friend’s daughter in law insisted on a private room and was labeled high maintenance. I was shocked. Isn’t it the whole experience terrible enough without hearing someone else experience it? Another friend only shared one detail of her son’s birth; her roommate’s baby was stillborn. I don’t understand how it’s ok to make her stay in a hospital room with someone else’s new baby. Please tell me I’m missing something.

        • TBK

          That’s horrific. I think even if you have shared rooms in general, women whose babies are stillborn should get a private room. When I was in the hospital, I was in the section that has all the recovery rooms (it’s all women who are pregnant or who have just given birth). When it was really early on and we were afraid we’d lose our babies, it was bad enough hearing newborns in the room next door or family members gathering to celebrate. Even the happy baby murals on the walls in that ward and the labor and delivery ward made me cry. I can’t imagine having to be in the same room with all that after actually losing my baby.

          • Non mom

            Thanks for the reply. A very dear family member of mine is a nurse midwife who assures me that all my fears about having a baby are overblown, but so much of the labor/delivery process seems so unnecessarily cruel and awful to me. Probably why I’ll always be a non mom.

        • tesyaa

          Labor and/or delivery rooms are one-to-a-customer (though some intake or prelabor rooms may not be). The mother goes to a different room after the birth, which may or may not be private. In between, there may also be a stint in a “recovery” ward while the staff organizes rooms for incoming patients. The “recovery” area is not the most pleasant place.

    • ezt

      Thank you all for the replies! The consensus makes me feel much better about going ahead and switching.

    • Samantha

      I had to switch OBs mid-pregnancy because, guess what, my OB went on maternity leave!
      You may ask, how did I not notice before that she was pregnant (and due before me!!) but labcoats, and my poor observational skills, and delicacy to ask. But I switched with no problems.
      And the Dr. who delivered me was someone I hadn’t met before.
      Having been in a shared post-delivery recovery room, I agree with everyone who says it’s worth it to get a private room if you can.

  16. Marie Curie

    What do you (not) say to someone you love who has a big exam coming up?

    It’s in grad school, if that makes any difference. As my approach to important exams has always been “don’t tell anyone you have an exam till it’s over” I don’t quite know what to say.

    • Marie Curie

      And by “what to say” I mean words of encouragement, something to motivate the person when they complain they can’t study anymore etc.

      • TBK

        Totally depends on the person — whether the person is the type to barely study or to be completely crazy studying, to take exams too lightly or to make them all life or death, and whether the person is your equal (SO, friend, etc.) or younger (sibling, child).

        • Kathryn

          Agreed. When I have an exam, it only stresses me out to have my SO ask what my study timeline is like, how my studying is going, if I need help, etc. I’m sure for other people that stuff is really motivating.

          For me it would be someone giving me my space, but being around to talk/hang out with if I needed an hour break. Maybe also bringing dinner.

    • new york associate

      As someone who has suffered through multiple bar exams, and someone who is married to a PhD candidate, I have some thoughts.

      The most helpful thing for me was when my DH would listen to me complain, empathize, say, “poor you, let me rub your shoulders,” but not get too involved. The most helpful things he could say were, “Would you like me to take the kids to the park so you can study,” or “We are having spaghetti for dinner. Do you want to join us or work through dinner?” or “Do you want a back rub?”

      Comments that are not helpful include things like, “Maybe you should be focusing on X instead of Y,” “Why are you watching TV when you should be studying,” “Can I run flashcards with you?”, “We will be destitute if you don’t pass this exam so you’d better study,” or “What kind of progress are you making?”

      Basically, let the person with the exam be responsible for their own self. Love them, provide tangible support (like making dinner), empathize with how hard it is, but trust that they are mature enough to handle this exam.

      And I don’t want to project on you, but just based on my own experience, getting through some of those big exams in grad school is a piece of cake compared to the dissertation. Sometimes I think we would be better off my if SO had flunked quals instead of passing and then having to suffer through dissertation writing. Because while you might be able to motivate someone to pass an exam, it’s virtually impossible to motivate someone enough to write a dissertation. That motivation has to be internal.

    • Anonattorney

      Don’t say: “oh you’re going to do great, you always do.” For some reason that always stresses me out more because then there’s just an additional expectation that I need to fulfill.

    • Wildkitten

      The best thing anyone ever did for me was to deliver food and then go away.

  17. Nonz

    Recently I’ve been getting hot flashes while on my period. I take BCP, but this has only started happening over the last 4-5 months. It’s much worse at night, but I do notice it during the day, to the point where I almost start sweating. I’m afraid I’m perimenopausal (I was tested for FSH awhile ago, but it was on the third day of my period, and I’ve read it should maybe be later than that). Does anyone else get hot flashes on their period? Should I be concerned or could my body just be changing (I’m 26)?

    • Anon

      I think I do run warmer the first few days of my period (not that I’ve taken temps regularly). Like I’ll wake a little bit sweatier in the morning, and more likely to toe off my socks during the night, and I just feel a little grosser and more in need of shower than other times during the month.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I get hot flashes on my period and I am on BC. Never asked the doc about it. I thought it was normal.

  18. rook

    Agree with TBK – the type of person should also dictate whether they are receptive to positive motivation (“I believe in you and know you have what it takes to succeed” (this worked for me)) or negative motivation (“think of the consequences – you don’t want to take it again”). I bet you know the person well enough to tell which they are. IMHO, do NOT say “I’m sure you’ll pass” – that drove me up the wall before the bar exam. Also, my family sent me flowers in the last few days before the exam and it very helpful to both my motivation and my emotional state, so maybe that?

    • Anon

      I’m tempted to print out 100 copies and leave them all over our management’s private offices. I really loathe open office plans!

  20. Londoner

    What’s the best way to tell my boss that I don’t want to work with a colleague who is rude and difficult? Is this even a reasonable request?

    • Anon

      I had this issue with one of my colleagues. I tolerated him as much as I could as I was not sure if it was a reasonable request and I worried that I would be considered as not a good team player. One day my manager asked me if he should ask that colleague to work with me on a small project (which I was doing alone) and I spontaneously replied “NO”. I didn’t even think about it and never wanted to say something like that. However then he asked me why and I told him how much that particular colleague has troubled me. Then the manager had a talk with the colleague and things got a bit better. I still avoid working with that colleague but don’t tell that I don’t want to work with him. I work with him only when it is absolutely necessary. Many other people also had similar complaints on that person so my complaint didn’t look odd and I was not blamed for complaining. I don’t know your exact situation though so I don’t know what I wrote here is of any help.

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