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Updated: Jun 28, 2023 296 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Ellis Cotton Button-Up Shirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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woman wears hot pink linen blouse and black jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve been wearing the heck out of my gauzy button-up shirts ever since the daily temperatures hit 70 degrees. For the weekend, I’m wearing them buttoned-up with denim shorts or open and tied in the front with a midi skirt. For the office, I’m wearing them with sweater blazers and ankle pants.

This version from Rails comes in many colorways. I really like the “hibiscus” color for a bright pop, but it also comes in indigo, white, and petal, as well as a bunch of others.

The shirt is $158-168 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. 

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. BeenThatGuy

    Great pick today! I’m wearing the heck out of the gauze clothing options this summer. Pants, tops, dresses, you name it. I’m put together, comfortable and don’t feel like I have to worry about wrinkling like I do with linen, but have the same summery vibe.

  2. Anonymous

    My husband is severely depressed and I feel like he is just disappearing before my eyes. Knowing what we know now, this probably started last winter. It didn’t get really bad though until this winter and now things are just deteriorating quickly. He sleeps all the time and is having a lot of bizarre cognitive issues. He’s only 50 but I was starting to get concerned he had early dementia before I learned depression can have cognitive symptoms too. He’s had a medical check up with his PCP and everything seemed ok medically, as far as she could tell. He’s been in talk therapy for a while but that person doesn’t have the ability to prescribe anything. He finally, finally has an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it’s not for 3 more weeks and in the meanwhile we are completely white knuckling and every day feels like some kind of new fresh hell as I watch more and more of my husband disappear. I don’t know why I am posting but I am just so, so sad and scared I won’t get my husband back and needed to get it out.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My family has several members with several depression and anxiety. I would do your best to get through these next 3 weeks and hopefully meds will help!

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry! And also shocked his regular doctor wouldn’t prescribe anything. Remember 911 is an option if he’s a danger to himself or others. Thinking of you and hoping he gets the medication he desperately needs soon.

    • Anon

      A PCP can definitely prescribe for depression. He doesn’t need a psychiatrist for that. I have chronic depression and I’ve never seen a psychiatrist – my GP handles the meds and I see a regular psychologist for therapy.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to this. I think it is great to see an actual psychiatrist if you can, especially if you have trouble finding an effective medication, but his PCP should be able to start him on something and then the psychiatrist can switch if needed. I’m frankly surprised his therapist isn’t advocating for him to get on medication and would question their approach/competance if they are not.

        There are also psychiatric emergency rooms you can do to if he is in a crisis (i.e. suicidal) or the cognitive issues escalate. Depression can make people catatonic.

    • Vicky Austin

      3 weeks will go by faster than the last year+ has! So many hugs and good thoughts to you. Take good care of yourself for these next three weeks so you can hang in there for him.

    • Anon

      I’ve been there and it is so sad and so scary.

      If I could go back in time, I would have joined a NAMI Family Support group much sooner. I am reading the book “How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed”by Anne Sheffield right now.

    • Anonymous

      If you are this afraid I would have him make a same-day appointment with his PCP and go with him to give your perspective on the situation.

      • Anon

        +1 I have a close family member that was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia in their late 50’s (it can occur in people as young as 20’s). It took several visits with the PCP with family members escorting to relay changes in behavior before we could get a neurology referral and get some real answers. Their initial symptoms really fooled people for severe depression.
        Obviously, we all would have preferred their diagnosis to be depression and FTD is very rare. But asking a PCP for a neurology referral so it’s on the books might not be a bad idea. It can take a while to see one. And worst case it’s something you can cancel later when the psychiatrist visit goes well.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. My now college aged son has crippling depression and his PCP would also not prescribe anything. The wait for the psychiatrist felt like forever. Hang in there and see if you can get on a cancellation list maybe. Hugs.

    • capybara

      Hey – I’ve been there. It’s truly awful – that pit in your stomach every time you come home, seeing someone you love in so much pain, the uncertainty. It was a long road for me + my spouse but things did get better. I hope 3 weeks go by quickly and the meds start helping soon.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, and it’s really tough. It’s odd that his PCP couldn’t prescribe anything medically. I don’t mean to be alarmist but if you have concerns that things could escalate in the next three weeks, find out about how to get someone into the psychiatric ER – I found this out the hard way in a time of crisis and should have known earlier.

      • Anon

        If he has thoughts of harming himself (and will say that to you, which is really hard, but I’d encourage you to really ask every day), you can go to the ER. My husband went through something similar 5+ years ago, and going to the ER helped escalate things, get us in faster with doctors etc. He ended up doing an intensive outpatient program for a few weeks, and it really helped us realign and him to just focus on getting better.

        • Anonymous

          I would find a psychiatric ER as opposed to a general ER, and be prepared to push back when they try to send him home.

        • Anon

          +1, I had to do this with a friend a number of years back. She had not left her house in weeks and was talking about killing herself; had completely stopped all personal care/hygiene, etc. PCP did nothing. Another friend and I got her into the car and took her to the ER. She was admitted to inpatient psychiatric services and I was so afraid it would be like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but actually they were amazingly helpful and empathetic. She spent two weeks in the hospital and was discharged with an immediate referral to a psychiatrist, prescriptions, a treatment plan, and access to a “treatment coordinator” who really helped her coordinate services so she could get continued care. She is doing fine now. I don’t know if she’d still be alive, frankly, if we hadn’t taken her to the ER.

          ERs see people with serious mental-health problems regularly and they can really kick-start the process of getting people help. And, OP – in your situation I would do what I felt like I needed to do to get my husband help. This is a situation where you get the help and worry about bills, logistics, etc. later. My heart goes out to you. Good luck, and we’re thinking about you.

    • anom

      super anon to say, I’ve been your husband. I was raised on the you don’t need medicine you just need to not be so negative, just throw yourself into other things way, and was in my late 30s before the depression got so bad that it felt impossible I would ever dig myself out of it. I was having intrusive thoughts, I was sleeping all the time, I was angry at a pin drop, I was having memory issues. At one point my dog was the only reason I was taking care of anything, because I could show compassion for him if not myself or the world at large.

      I’m in my early 40s now with a few years of meds under my belt and every day I wish I could go back and snag 20 something me in one of her early depressive episodes and say go get the meds. I came back, your husband can come back with the right treatment, but the process to getting there is scary and hard, and he is very lucky to have you with your eyes on him, cause that can be the saving grace for so many. But what you are going through is so hard. Make sure you have some resources for you too. Therapy for you, friends who will wrap their arms around you, and household help if you can to pick up the slack he has dropped while going through this.

    • AnonMD

      If he has thoughts about harming himself or other people, get him to a major ED. Try to avoid small EDs or standalone EDs. You want someplace with multiple psychiatrists on staff and ideally an inpatient psych unit connected to the same building. A major medical center connected to a university would be ideal.

      If he is really behaving that strangely, it could still be a medical problem. Especially if you weren’t there to relay his symptoms to his PCP. Family members have such an impact on PCPs ability to sleuth out symptoms and more accurately diagnose. Depressed and possibly cognitively impaired people don’t do a great job of relaying what is going on. If there was any concern about cognitive impairment I’m surprised PCP didn’t send him for neurocognitive testing. I have admitted patients to the hospital from the ED with “depression” that just wasn’t right and found autoimmune diseases, cancer related symptoms, thyroid problems, adrenal problems, etc etc. I don’t want to scare you, but one visit with PCP isn’t enough to rule out medical problems.

      Do you want to share more about his symptoms and perhaps we can direct you better?

      • Anonymous

        OP here. Thank you so much to you and to everybody who has commented. I’ve thought multiple times whether I need to call the crisis line or take him to the ED but he has denied thoughts or plans of self harm and I believe him so I wasn’t sure if the crisis line or ED would be able to do anything for someone who isn’t suicidal. He’s been on a high dose of SSRI for decades for anxiety but the depression is new. His PCP tried adding Wellbutrin and then Abilify but neither worked so now he’s just on the SSRI until he gets seen by the psychiatrist. He does have a history of kidney cancer (decades ago) and is scheduled for a cardiac stress test next week. Cognitively it’s just like he is losing his mind. For example, saying his computer won’t charge and is broken when it’s actually just not plugged into the wall, not putting the shower curtain in the tub to shower and then also not noticing the bathroom floor was a lake when he’s always been so clean and tidy in the past, and fussing with the remote saying he is trying to turn the tv off when it is already fully off. And then misplacing items and not keeping up with his work and meetings when he’s always been extremely competent and top of things in the past. He’s at least somewhat aware of what is going on and is distressed about it. It seems every day is a new low.

        • Vicky Austin

          I’m not surprised you pursued the possibility of dementia; that sounds like a severe and sudden cognitive decline to me. I would make sure the psychiatrist is aware that you were considering it, even if it doesn’t end up being the final diagnosis. Hoping for the best.

        • Anon

          Has he been tested for a brain tumor? There could be something else behind his loss of cognitive function.

        • Anon

          I’ve said this here before, but pernicious anemia presented like this for me. I wasn’t anemic and my B12 levels were not low (false high) so it was almost missed! The “turning off TV that’s already off,” power cord confusion, and shower curtain are all so familiar from that time in my life.

        • Anonymous

          I would strongly consider asking the PCP for a referral to a neurologist as well- there may be a several month wait list so you can cancel it if meds help in the mean time, but if there are bizarre behaviors/change in personality it would be worth having it on the calendar.

          • Anon

            +1 – Also until his cognitive function improves or he’s been evaluated by a neurologist. He really shouldn’t be allowed to drive a car.

        • Nesprin

          That sounds dementia-y enough to be highly concerning- go with him to his PCP and bring a list of what’s going on.

          Is there any chance his cancer could have reoccurred?

          • Anonymous

            OP here. I’m not sure how to know if his cancer has recurred beyond he’s not having symptoms like he did in the past (blood in urine) and his routine labs (CBC, CMP, lipids, thyroid, vitamin D, vitamin B) came back normal at the PCP about a month ago. I’ll follow-up with getting him scheduled with a neurologist, but beyond that is there some kind of testing I should be advocating for in terms of assessing for cancer?

        • Anon

          This suggestion is not as off-the-wall as it might sound. Has he been checked for a UTI? There is a known connection and if he does have one, treating the UTI is magical.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, this is a well-known phenomenon for older people, and if he’s got anything going on underneath that is taxing his brain, a UTI can tip him over into altered mental status very quickly.

            By the way, this may be the set of words to use with your PCP or the ER –“ altered mental status”. He’s not at his baseline.

          • Anon

            This is most common in elderly folks, where the symptoms of UTI are often subtle or masked if the person has advanced dementia.

            It would not be likely for a 50 year old man to have a UTI, with no painful irritating symptoms that he notices and would mention or progression with fevers, causing decline over months.

            But it’s a great reason why grandma has been a little off this week, too sleepy, and confused…

          • Anon

            Anon @ 3:20 – UTIs actually can and do present as sudden, off-the-wall personality and cognitive changes in people his age, with few to no “expected” symptoms and they are so very easy to test for and treat. There is zero reason not to rule it out.

        • Anon

          You are doing an amazing job taking care of your husband.

          Call the psychiatrist office every day to see if there is a last minute cancellation.

          Is there a very good hospital near you that you could take him in case of an emergency? Ideally, one with a medical school/academic center? You are asking the right questions to try to decide if you need to take him.

          Any other physical changes, like weight loss or anything else out of the ordinary (like why the stress test)?

          Try to put together the timelines for how his symptoms have changed with time. Type it out so you can have a nice “history” to give the new doctor.
          Try to put together the timeline for the medications he has taken in the past for mood, when the doses were changed etc…

          He does need a thorough medical assessment for other causes of worsening depression and thinking problems. The older you are when a sudden change like this occurs, the more important that the tests be done. If you have had cancer in the past, it is also critical for this to be done. Also, additional testing like detailed neuropsychiatric tests and even brain MRIs. Sometimes going to the hospital urgently can get you hooked in quicker with an assessment by a psychiatrist/neurologist/internal medicine doctor all at once. You could talk with his primary care doctor, if you trust/respect them, to see if this is a reasonable strategy if you live near a major academic hospital.

          NAMI is also a great nation wide organization that facilitates family support groups. Look online for your local branches and see if there is a support group meeting soon. They can be a resource for support and advice about how to deal with a crisis. Actually, just call their number if you want to talk with one of their local volunteers for advice. There are also numerous support groups that meet by zoom. You can search for those on your website and sign up for one that is convenient for you.

          Good luck. Hang in there.

        • Anon

          I’m so sorry – sounds very scary. A family member of mine had some very scary lows with their depression a few years ago but after some major life changes, medication changes, and a month-long intensive outpatient psych program based out of a hospital they are doing so so well. A few thoughts:
          -remove any guns from the home
          -if you are comfortable posting your nearest major city, folks may have suggestions for specific providers
          -ask around to find out the hospital with the best psych ER and inpatient or out patient psych program. Even if you don’t know it, I guarantee you have friends and family who’ve needed this and will help you. If you want privacy, ask a friend to post on the neighborhood listserve, or call your EAP at work, or if you have kids ask the guidance counselor or their pediatrician.
          -You don’t want your husband to also get fired from his job and he definitely would not benefit from that, strongly suggest having him take FMLA or a leave (especially if he has any sort of professional fiduciary obligations to clients).

          This is is so scary but you are doing the right thing by saying it out loud so people can help you. The stigma is strong but I promise you that there are people who want to help your family, please reach out

        • Anonymous

          I would be in the ER immediately emphasizing the neurological symptoms so they look into all possible causes, not just psychiatric ones. Not a doctor, but as a wife that’s what I would do.

        • AnonMD

          Take him to the ER today. Make a list of all of these things to share. Make a little timeline of events/medication changes to share if you can. Emphasize that cognitively he is getting worse and you are very concerned. Emphasize that he has a history of cancer and you are concerned about his brain, either cancer recurrence or a stroke. This is not normal for a 50 yo man. They will definitely do a head CT and maybe an MRI, which he needs given his history of cancer. Emphasize that he isn’t functioning at his baseline, you are afraid to leave him alone, he cannot drive, and things are only getting worse.

          Find the biggest medical center you can, nearby. You want someplace with both neurology and psychiatry on staff. If they try to make you go home and wait emphasize that you are concerned about his safety at home. If he cannot figure out how to turn the TV on and off, he could leave the oven on, he could drive away and get lost, he could leave the car running in the garage…. This is life threateningly unsafe and he needs to be admitted and ideally see both neurology and psychiatry.

          It sucks that patients and families have to advocate so hard to get the care they need, but keep pushing! You are doing the right thing.

    • Anon

      We went through this about five years ago. Things will improve with even a very small dose of medication + continuing therapy. In the meantime, I made a point of getting him out of the house every day – either a morning walk with me or sending him to a park or outdoor food court with a book to people watch. I found this period intensely difficult because the person with whom I would normally trouble shoot was the one person who was not available to me.

    • Anonnn

      One more thing to consider. My DH was acting like this and it turned out he was actually having a psychotic episode. 2 days of antipsychotics and he was back. It wasn’t a magic bullet, and he still has issues, but he is at least living in the same reality as I am.

    • Anon

      Medication saved my marriage and likely my husband’s life. It was a long road to get there and involved several medication trials but it’s been night and day for him once the right combination was found. In his case, it was anxiety, depression, and alcoholism (he’s now sober) and working through it all was a years-long process. I can say from someone who was in your place four or five years ago – it can get better. Today he’s the amazing husband and father that he always wanted to be, but couldn’t, through the fog of everything else.

      Co-sign other recommendations to also see a neurologist if you can. Lewy body dementia can present this way and often starts quite young.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry your family is experiencing this. It sounds like his tests are pretty normal – awesome! However, you might consider his blood work (white, red blood cells, platelets, stuff like that). I believe blood cancers like Leukemia can present as dizziness, disorientation, lethargy. Sadly, I say this with experience with a close family member. It sounds like you’re covering your bases with a neurologist. You might also ask if he’s hit his head at any point in the preceding several months. Best of luck – I hope you two figure it out and he feels better soon.

  3. Anon

    J. Crew Factory has a great version of this shirt that is much less expensive. L.L. Bean and Gap also have similar versions.

    PSA for anyone struggling to branch beyond the usual mall brands (yes, I still find things I love at Gap, BR Factory and J. Crew Factory but others like Loft seem to have fully jumped the shark)-Fat Face (not the hugest fan of the name) has some fabulous items and were flattering on my short but curvy frame. If you’re familiar with the brand, and similar suggestions? I’ve usually struck out at Boden and haven’t checked out Faherty yet, which I’ve hear can be good.

    • Anne-on

      The style looks really similar to a lot of Vineyard Vines stuff. I’d also look at Tuckernuck, Anthro, Lily Pulitzer, Free People, and Johhny Was.

    • Peach

      I have struggled to find clothes that I like from those brands you listed for a while now. I used to love Loft jeans but it so hard to find a nice pair that doesn’t have frayed hems. JCrew (not factory) doesn’t seem to have anything I want to wear anymore. Ann Taylor is very focused on the office.

      I like Boden. The quality of the Jersey cotton is so nice for dresses, and the dresses and skirts usually have pockets, too.

      I like Vineyard Vines for casual clothes. More of the standard preppy look that I like.

  4. Anon

    Talk to me about your travel style? I live in the Northeast and have moderate SAD and love the sunshine/beach, so have tended to take trips to the Gulf Coast in Florida, Puerto Rico or have gone to Barbados, Jamaica and Aruba over the past decade. I’ve found that prices can be less expensive than a summer rental on the Cape or Martha’s Vineyard. Now with middle-school aged twins who are slightly hardier travelers, I’m thinking about Italy, Cyprus, Greece, Iceland etc but am somewhat unnerved by the flight prices.

    Where you have gone and loved or where are you hoping to go? Do you forgo travel for a year or so to save up for bigger trips or tend to take mini-vacations?

    • Anon

      With middle-schoolers, you can give them some input into travel planning, including say in the destination. Not saying you have to let your kids choose at the expense of your own preferences, but you involve them more in the planning process than you would little kids.

      My kids are younger, and we’ve mostly done Caribbean beach resorts, smaller cities in Europe and European beach/coastal regions. Italy & Greece are very family friendly, along with Spain and Portugal. Flight prices are indeed very high right now though.

    • Anon

      DH and I LOVED Greece as a couples trip. My twins are currently 5 so can’t quite imagine going to Greece with them quite yet as I don’t think they’d appreciate it enough. Have you done Costa Rica with your kids? I’ve heard it is a great destination for a family trip and it is on our list. Have you gone to all those places you listed in the summer (when cheaper) or in the winter to escape the cold? California is also great for a trip

      • Anne-on

        +1 to Costa Rica, that’s next on our list but I’ve heard it’s best to have tweens/teens if you want to do hiking/canyoning/surfing. For middle school age the big caribbean resorts with water parks are great – we had a blast at the Hyatt Ziva and the Baha Mar recently.

        • Anon

          We had a great time in Costa Rica with a 7 year old and did lots of hiking. We didn’t surf but I’ve done that elsewhere and didn’t care about doing it again.

          • Anne-on

            That’s fair – the main point I heard is that younger kids may not be heavy enough or tall enough to zipline/do the ropes courses solo. Hiking on its own is definitely more of a know your own kid situation.

    • Anon

      We are fortunate to have plenty of time and money for travel. We try to go somewhere warm at both winter break and spring break, and then in the summer we normally take 1-2 big, international trips plus a week at a family home in the northeast. It’s a lot, but I’ve never regretted taking a trip even with various kid-related challenges. With a few limited exceptions, I don’t really subscribe to the idea that there are certain destinations that are better for toddlers and others that are better for teens. A trip to Greece with toddlers is definitely going to look different than a trip to Greece with teens, but either can be great. I’ve found that I actually enjoy the slower pace of family travel. DH & I have gone away a couple times without kids and our busy, pre-kid travel pace has felt too hectic for me. There’s something to be said for spending longer than strictly necessary in a place and really soaking it up.

    • Anon

      Iceland is absolutely incredible, and a very short flight from the east coast. It’s a tiny place so you can cover a lot of ground, worth it if you have even a four-day weekend. Tourism is the main economy so everyone speaks English and is very friendly but it doesn’t feel touristy.

    • Anon

      I lived in Cyprus for a few months. It’s extremely interesting if you dive into the history and politics, but I would y necessarily recommend it as a vacation destination unless you are going to other places in that region, too (like combo with a trip to Turkey, Greece, or Jordan or Israel).

      • Anon

        FYI it’s hard to combine with Turkey because from Turkey you can only fly direct to the Turkish part, which isn’t recognized by the US and it’s illegal to cross from the Turkish part to regular Cyprus. It would be much easier to combine with Greece even though it’s physically closer to Turkey.

  5. Anon

    If I am asked to present at a conference that is 3 hours away, is it reasonable to ask for overnight accommodations?

    • Anonymous

      In the Midwest, meh/maybe, but anywhere driving isn’t the norm, definitely. I’d ask. Worst they can say is no.

    • anon

      I suspect that is industry dependent. It would not be reasonable in mine, unless you were the keynote speaker at 9:30 AM or something.

    • Anon

      Yes, I’m not presenting at a conference and driving 6 hours in one day. Also, if this is a multi day conference and attendees will be staying overnight, they might want to talk to you after the events of the day.

    • AnonSatOfc

      Probably? If it’s midday and you’re just speaking and then leaving, maybe they’ll say no. But I’d ask.

    • Anonymous

      In my field it would be standard to have overnight accommodations in this situation, but unless you were a paid keynote speaker your employer would cover the cost of the accommodations and all other travel costs (even if the conference organizers had waived your registration fee).

    • Anon

      What time does it start? If you would have to leave your home at an insanely early hour to be there with plenty of time to spare for unforeseeable delays, then absolutely yes. Frankly if work wouldn’t spring for a room the night before I probably would, out of fear of being stuck in a horrific traffic delay and missing my slot to speak.

    • Anon

      I know for my employer, they prefer people to travel the day before and stay nearby overnight, to avoid the risk of travel delays. E.g. No one can predict a car accident shutting down a highway for a while.

      • Anon

        I’m in the Bay Area and lots of people I work with will fly to So Cal for a meeting or a presentation and then fly back same day. Same with Portland. But if it’s a can’t-miss thing like a presentation at a conference rather than an easier reschedule meeting, I will fly down the day before. I have personal experience with this as my presentation partner recently got snarled in air traffic and I ended up having to do the presentation by myself, which was suboptimal to say the least.

        Funny story: once I flew to Portland for a lunch meeting. On the flight back to the Bay Area, the flight attendant put an unaccompanied minor next to me, a little boy. He was telling me about his trip to see his grandparents, and asked me about mine. When I told him it was a day trip for a lunch meeting, he squinted at me and said “people don’t take airplanes to lunch!”

    • anon

      Is it multiple days or is the accommodation to just help avoid same-day round trip? if the former, yes. If the latter, my company wouldn’t love it. I’m in the northeast where we don’t generally like long drives either, but I’ve done plenty of daytrips by air to NYC and DC. They’re just long, single days.

  6. anon

    Speaking of button-up shirts (and hoping this doesn’t get me sent to mod), I’m debating whether I look Coastal Grandmother today, or just plain grandmother. It’s too hot for cardis and blazers, even cotton ones, so I threw a silky unbuttoned shirt over a cute, summery shell. I *think* it’s working but can’t be 100% sure.

    I love the idea of tops like the one pictured, but I always fear that it’s going to shrink, especially in the arms.

    • anonshmanon

      I feel like gen z is bringing back the unbuttoned shirt as a jacket -look, so maybe you look like a gen z grandma!

      • anon

        Ha, I feel very much like the 42-year-old I am, but I’m going with this. I have always personally liked the Coastal Grandmother style, even before it had a name. So maybe this is the time of life when I get to fully lean into it!

    • Anon

      When the Coastal Grandmother thing appeared on the scene, my daughter, shocked, said “OMG mom, you’re cool!”

      So as a Gen-Z certified Coastal Grandmother type, my feedback is that I’d wear that outfit with a linen overshirt for casual, but a silky overshirt sounds like a good choice for being dressy enough for work.

      Welcome to the Coast! Mine is the West Coast.

    • Anon

      It’s 100 degrees in the shade. Anything you can wear without melting is a win.

  7. Anonymous

    I got gel nails recently. I was able to peel/pull my gel nail polish off – never done that before. It came off in like, one big chunk from each nail. Now a few of my nails have a weird texture. What’s the best way to heal/improve them?

    • anon

      #1 never peel gel polish off no matter how much you want to. Now that you have, there isn’t really “healing” that will regrow the missing layer of nail, but moisturizing the cuticle/nail really helps. I like something thicker like Aquaphor/badger balm/etc, but lots of others go with oils.

    • Anonymous

      Moisturize them but you e destroyed your nails they will just need to grown out. You ripped off a layer of nail. This is why I don’t do gel.

      • Anne-on

        +1. Gel nails ruin my actual nails, no matter how carefully I remove them at the salon. Thankfully my nails grow super fast but it seems to lock you into a cycle of continuing the gel because your actual nails are now so damaged/weak.

    • Anon8

      I always end up peeling my gels off, even though I know it’s bad for my nails. I usually lightly buff (nails are already thin from peeling them, so you don’t want to wear them down any more, but just to get the roughest edges off), and put a clear coat on. They’ll smooth out eventually.

    • Cat

      sorry, when you peel gel off, it takes layers of actual nail with it. You just have to grow it out. Suggest buying some protective clear polish to help avoid further peeling while you wait.

    • capybara

      I’ve had weak, peel-y nails my whole life and recently started using Hard as Hoof – it’s a game changer.

    • Anonymous

      Londontown has some great products to heal nails. I use their Get Well Nail Recovery when my nails need some TLC. They also have a nail probiotic mask that you can leave on overnight. If I need to give my nails some love after too much polish, I use the nail mask overnight followed but the Get Well Nail Recovery for a week and my nails are much improved. If they really need TLC, the Get Well Nail Recovery has a 3-week protocol you can follow. Be warned that it dries slowly but it’s worth it.

    • Anon

      I was a gel manicure addict pre-pandemic. I knew my nails were getting thinner, and they had to put “the powder” on two that had become particularly thin. I could feel my nailbed through the nail. But I was like Over My Dead Body will I give up gel manicures.

      Then lockdown happened and I couldn’t go get it removed. I had patches of gel on my nails for weeks that I couldn’t even peel off. When it was finally all gone, my nails were like paper. It took several months of bare nails before they grew out enough that the last of the old weak nail was gone, and I realized I’d forgotten how my real nails didn’t bend all the time.

      Now I stick to a pretend-gel polish from the store and a DIY manicure. I have had the best luck with ILNP base coat, Essie gel polish, and Sally Hansen top coat. I get a week + out of it, and no paper thin nails.

      • anon

        +1 to your DIY manicures. That’s pretty much what I’m doing now, too. The Essie gel couture top coat also is great. I will never get true gel manicures again. The damage is not worth it to me.

    • anon

      Use cuticle oil all over your nail beds. At least daily, and more if you can stand it. But I’m sorry to say that the texture will likely remain until the nail fully grows out.

    • Bette

      The apricot cuticle stuff by Dior really is as good as everyone says – I put a dab all over my entire nail (not just the cuticle) and it works wonders.

  8. Anonymous

    Favorite Vegas activities/sightseeing/food/restaurants? I’m going next month with 5 women, as a post divorce celebration. We are staying at the Paris. No interest in clubbing or alcohol (two drink socially but rarely, two are sober) .

    • Anon

      Hokey, but go to Hell’s Kitchen for dinner. I just went for a girl’s trip to South Lake Tahoe. I don’t watch the show, but those who did were thrilled, and the food was decent.

      I think you can use the pool/beach at Mandalay as a non-guest if you spring for a cabana.

    • Anon

      Go for an early-morning or sunset hike at Red Rocks. It’s really lovely. Obviously, bring tons of water, etc.

      • anon

        Yes!! I did this (and went to Valley of Fire) and it was my fave part of Vegas. Of course, since OP’s going in July, I cannot stress the “bring water” and go early/late parts enough. Red Rocks is very accessible, though, and you can drive on a loop road.

      • Anon

        I’m the Hell’s Kitchen commenter. My teens were SO jealous that I got to go. They’re Gordon Ramsay fans for some reason (I never watched the show with them, but I think they first knew him from a cooking show for kids, and now from memes I’m guessing.)

        • Anne-on

          Gordon Ramsay is ALL over Youtube and TikTok either in reaction videos/stitches/compilations/memes. It surprised the heck out of my but my tween boy and his friends (and their older brothers) LOVE Hells Kitchen and Gordon.

    • Anon

      Valley of Fire State Park! About 30 minutes outside of Vegas, but absolutely stunning scenery that rivals many national parks.

      • Anonymous

        Not in July, it’s roasting there. Go to Red Rock instead, thats up towards the mountains so its a bit cooler. I prefer Valley of Fire, but Red Rock gives a similar experience and would be much more pleasant.

    • Anon

      You can go to the Magic Mike live show and enjoy the scenery without drinking! My mid-40s friends and I loved it

    • Anon California

      For adults: It is going to be very hot, which takes some of my favorite Vegas activities off the table. However a few thoughts: the Mob Museum (skip the distillery tour given your sober attendees); the Arts District (a good place to have lunch in addition to the shipping/browsing), go to a spa (there are a lot of really nice ones); have dinner at one of the patios on the Strip or at a restaurant in an underground shopping area for the people watching (I usually go to Trevi at the Forum; the food is just OK but not overpriced for Vegas and the people watching is spectacular, especially on Friday and Saturday night); walk around at night and check out the fountain show, the Bellagio’s garden display; get a cabana and hang out by the pool but note that it will be 100+ by 11:00 a.m.

      Hell’s Kitchen is amazing but reservations are hard to get! It is also good for lunch.

      For the tweens: Mine loved the Gordon Ramsey restaurants, particularly Hell’s Kitchen but if you cannot get reservations or it is too pricey there are several fast casual ones. Depending on budget and time of year: Hoover Dam, Red Rock, the zip line and ferris wheel on the strip (but those are $$$$), the people watching, and a Cirque show were all hits with my crew. They are old enough to have opinions so I suggest setting them loose on a list of things to do in Vegas and let them pick something.

      Have fun!

    • Anon 2.0

      You can ride the wheel by the Linq without having to purchase the package with booze. It’s a nice view and the ride moves slowly.

    • Senior Attorney

      You are lucky because the very best spot in Vegas for having a drink and people watching is the lobby bar at Paris! Enjoy!

      Right next door, at the Horseshoe, there is a FABULOUS show called Paranormal. It’s in a tiny theatre so even if you get the cheapest seats you will have a great view, and he does audience participation with the whole audience. My husband and I loved it and it was the highlight of a weekend that also included Cirque du Soleil and David Copperfield. And of course, you can’t beat Cirque du Soleil shows. My favorite is probably The Beatles Love at MGM Grand, but they’re all great.

      • Sasha

        +1 to the LOVE Cirque du soleil show. It’s at the Mirage–I just saw it last weekend and really enjoyed it. If you’re willing to sit separately and book day of, you can get a great deal–I think I paid $100 or so for second row seats

    • Anon

      There is an excellent Roy Choi Korean restaurant – vibe is more NY cool than bling Vegas and food was great. I’d also plan on a day at an outdoor pool – maybe rent a cabana for a splurge? And agree on Red Rocks hike if the weather is suitable.

      • Anonymous

        We have similar Vegas taste :)

        The Roy Choi restaurant is called Best Friend at Park Theater MGM. It’s my fave, fave. So good. Highly recommend the Korean BBQ tacos.

        I also love Eataly for dessert/people watching.

        We also love to rent adult lounge chairs at the Mirage Adults only pool (not adult club pool, adult as in no children). Its very chill vibes, no kids, you can put umbrellas up and its pure relaxation, very private. They also have cabanas. It’s my annual splurge, even in the heat.

  9. Anon

    One of my friends just told me she’s been diagnosed with breast cancer. We’re in our early 30s, she lives on the other side of the country. No partner or kids. I’d like to send her something – she’s really into food and booze, but assuming booze probably isn’t helpful at this time? She’s also fairly wealthy and has no qualms about spending money, so I don’t think a gift card would be useful in this scenario. Any ideas on a good gift?

    • Anon

      Send her flowers and make arrangements to visit, maybe if she needs surgery and help with recovery.

    • Anne-on

      Flowers, a gift card for Goldbelly/local delivery place you know she likes so she can order out when she’s not up for cooking. Depending on her treatment – I’ve sent extra soft (and washable) cuddly blankets/robes to friends undergoing chemo as they’ve all had chills/been cold or reported that the hospitals are chilly when they’re doing their infusions.

    • AIMS

      I would do a soft shawl/wrap. Doctor’s offices are always cold and it’s nice to have something cozy with you.

      • Anonymous

        Please do not send a shawl or wrap. I had cancer in my early 30s and received 14 shawls/blankets as gifts, which is more than I could possibly ever need and I’m not a person who even wears them – I donated all of them. It’s a nice idea in theory but everyone else will have the same nice idea unfortunately.

        Other ideas (for what its worth I was like your friend – well off, but appreciated gift cards anyway):
        – Flowers are good (but for future reference if the person is in patient most oncology wards prohibit flowers so they won’t get to see/keep them). I generally advise against sending an actual plant, because it’s one more thing to take care of.
        – Gift cards to streaming services + a list of recommendations of what to watch/listen to on that service.
        – Uber gift cards so she doesn’t have to drive herself to/from an appointment.
        – I appreciated getting sent food (snack boxes, fruit, etc.), because I had a lot of visitors and so I could put out the snack boxes people sent out when the visitors came over.
        – If she’ll be getting chemo and will have a port, a nice zip up hoodie or half zip sweater/sweatshirt that accommodates the port but is still warm.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, gift cards are really helpful. My family member is inpatient at the hospital very frequently in the expenses during that period just add up so fast, even though I can afford them. Meals out, grabbing a coffee, grabbing a drink, PARKING!, Hotel rooms when your treatment takes place in a different city or where you have to be at the hospital at 6 AM…

    • Digby

      Urban Stems has a little heart-shaped hoya succulent in a cute pot. It’s low-maintenance and hits the “thinking of you and sending you love” vibe, if a little on the nose. I sent one to my sister in a similar situation, and she seemed to appreciate it.

    • Anonymous

      I understand the impulse to give a gift, but in this case I might try to call or text more regularly or even send cards. She’s really young for breast cancer and it would feel like a lonely journey to me.

      • Anon

        Co-sign lonely journey. I found a lump at 30 and was easily half the age of everyone else starting with the first mammogram. For the sonogram, I was surrounded by effusive happy pregnant people, there with their spouses, while I was freaked out that the guy I was seeing would feel the lump and run fleeing from the room and I’d die alone. Surgical reconstruction has come along way since then (if your friend goes that route) and being put back together wasn’t going to yield the results I wanted and I just felt like I would get mutilated and be ashamed of how I looked if I survived it all. And I was working FT in BigLaw then, so even ducking out for appointments was frowned on.

      • Anonymous

        Honestly, she’s not that young for breast cancer anymore. It’s more and more common. And whatever you do, for the love of it all, do not tell her “but you’re so young!” She knows. She hears it constantly from everyone, including her nurses, and it gets f-ing old.

        And yes, second everyone’s comments about uber eats gift cards, but mostly just texts and funny memes. No shawls. No socks. No coloring books.

    • New Here

      I made a gift basket for a friend who was going through chemo for skin cancer. A breast cancer survivor friend passed on some advice on what to include. I included:

      – A nice eye mask for sleeping/napping in treatment chairs (I did a silk one from lunya)
      – Nice, thick hand lotion because chemo dried skin out
      – Some hard candy – it helped with the weird taste in her mouth from treatment, and dry mouth
      – Gift cards for uber eats and gas (she was driving to MD Anderson a lot)
      – A devotional book (this is a know your friend situation, obviously)

      • Anonymous

        For devotional-type reading, look at Kate Bowler. She is a cancer survivor who is out to eliminate toxic positivity.

      • Sunshine

        When my mom was on chemo and had nausea, a product called Gin Gins in a green bag would stop the “I’m going to vomit” feeling faster than anything else, including candied ginger. They’re hard to open, so she kept one that was already opened next to her at all times. They worked almost immediately. Include those in your gift bag.

        Cosign this is a lonely journey, especially for someone who is single. Is there any way you can visit and help. When I say help, I mean do housecleaning, do laundry, drive her to appointments, pick up her pharmacy order, etc. When you text or otherwise contact her, make sure she knows you do not expect a response. Send funny memes, send cartoons, etc. Her world may become very small while she is in treatment, and connections with non-medical people are very welcome.

  10. Anon

    I’m headed to a 6 week in-resident training for my job. Looking for recommendations for a packing list.

    I’ll be staying in a basic hotel (not an extended stay, but will have mini fridge, coffee maker and microwave). I’ll also have access to laundry, the gym, and an indoor pool at the hotel.

    I don’t usually travel for work, so I’m having trouble formulating how much clothing I’ll need, as well as any “extras” I might want for a longer stay.

    Nights and weekends will be free, so I’ll wait some casual clothes options (I’ll need to study but I also will be free to go out for meals or to explore, go to the gym, and travel on weekends).

    The training facility has a cafeteria which I’ll definitely have weekday breakfast and lunch at, and could also get dinner or weekend meals there if I want.

    I’ll be driving to the training, so I’m not limited by airplane packing guidelines. I’ll also have easy access to shopping for getting food to keep in my hotel room or if I forget something, which is nice.

    • Anon

      Books
      Your own shampoo, conditioner, and hair dryer
      Anything that makes the room “yours” – mementos, photos, a blanket or quilt you love.
      Coffee mug or thermos for the morning

    • AnonSatOfc

      What are laundry facilities like? Is it in an area that you can easily run out to a Target/mall/etc. for a missed essential? What kind of clothing will you be wearing during the training?
      Toiletries: All regularly used essentials, ideally full/fresh containers so you have enough for the whole time and don’t have to think about it. Maybe a handful of “just-in-case” items you may need in that time but don’t use every day or even every week – small container of tylenol/advil, a couple bandaids, pimple patches.
      Definitely take a pillow.
      All chargers for your electronic devices.
      Depending on how formal your program is, and assuming access to laundry ~1 a week, I’d bring:
      10 pairs of und-ies, 4 bra$
      10 tops for work, some of which can also be casual/after hours
      7 bottoms (shirt or skirt) for work
      3+ blazers/sweaters to go over a top (particularly helpful if it is cold in the rooms you’ll be in during training)
      3-4 work appropriate shoes
      ~3 work appropriate dresses
      4 pairs of flexible shoes that are work appropriate
      3 workout outfits, including sports br@ and socks, and one pair of dedicated shoes
      7 sleepwear outfits (may do double duty with workout outfits depending on your taste)
      3 dedicated casual outfits that you feel good in, with the expectation that some of your work clothes can also be converted to casual
      I’m not formally into capsule wardrobes, but I’d spend some time making sure that that you can make different outfits with some of the clothes. I set expectations lower for business travel – I am more casual for workwear than I would be at home, and more businessy for casual than I would be. Go for stuff that is easy to maintain (not dry clean only, not requiring ironing, not susceptible to spills or staining.)

      • Anon

        Attire during the program will be nicer business casual (no jeans, but not super formal: slacks + blouses are fine). I’ll probably do laundry once a week in the hotel.

        Yes, easy access to Target / Walmart and I’ll have the ability to receive packages.

        • Anne-on

          I’ll often bring cheaper leggings/tshirts that double as workout clothes on longer trips so it’s not really 7 sets of PJs but 4 sets of PJs 3 sets of workout clothes.
          One tip – I would pack sturdier/cheaper outfits or plan to handwash anything especially nice. I might also bring a small drying rack that you can hang from a door/shower bar. Commercial machines tend to do a number on my delicates.

          • Anon

            Same. I used to be able to re-wear pajamas, and then perimenopause hit. Some nights are okay but other nights I wake up in the middle of the night and have to change pajamas, because I’ve soaked through the ones I have on. We keep the bedroom relatively cool, have linen sheets, etc. and the night sweats still happen. Some weeks I wash nine sets of pajamas, depending on how bad the night sweats have gotten.

            And sorry, I have not ever been a naked sleeper and am not about to start now, in my late 40s.

          • anon

            Ugh, right there with you in perimenopause hell. I go through so many pajamas, it’s ridiculous. And I hate sleeping naked, not that it would help much anyway!

          • Anonymous

            I am not even in perimenopause and I sweat when I sleep. I have sweated in my sleep for my entire life. I was shocked to learn that some people do not. I always thought that the reason people showered in the morning was to wash off the stickiness from sleeping!

        • Anon

          I wear clean pyjamas every night. I have like 20 sets, lol. I don’t like the feeling of rewearing clothes!

    • Anon

      +1 to your own pillows and blanket (they never wash comforters in hotels). A kettle for tea or things like ramen.

    • Anon

      I spent a summer in a hotel once. I brought a vase with and then bought flowers from the grocery store every week. Made it much more comfortable.

    • Anon

      Sounds rather hellish, I’d personally bring a small Nespresso so I could have decent coffee every morning.

    • Anon

      My suggestion is to just think about what creature comforts are most useful to you at home. I make space for a mini french press and my own slippers even in a carry-on suitcase.

    • Anon

      Will you get regular housecleaning service? Not sure how that works if you’re doing an extended stay, if they still clean every day. If not, I’d probably bring some basic cleaning supplies like Lysol wipes for the bathroom.

    • Anon

      In addition to the other helpful comments, I’d bring
      – OTC medications that you would want quickly (ibuprofen, tums, pepto, antihistamine, etc) so that you aren’t having to run out to target with an upset tummy/pounding headache
      – detergent and quarters (find out how you pay for laundry at hotel) so that you can do laundry without having to run to target
      -slippers/indoor sandals for the hotel room
      – extra hangers

      While it’s great you have a store nearby, running to the store can also be just one more thing you have to do when all you want to do is crash after a long day in a conference room. You may need more sleep than you do at home – try to go to bed early if you feel like you need rest. Don’t rely on the hotel fridge for keeping anything actually perishable cold (like lunch meat or whatever) – I’ve had colleagues get sick when their room fridge was not actually food safe.

    • Roxie

      I’m really big on scents so even on one night work trips I pack my favorite room or linen sprays- definitely helps it feel like home.

      I second the idea of a favorite light blanket for tv time at night and pillows of you feel strongly about them (I usually like hotel pillows)

      I’d just really lean into this time as an interesting opportunity to learn about myself!

    • Anon

      6 weeks would be so much more comfortable in an extended stay type of place with a real fridge and kitchenette. Any chance you can change your reservation?

    • Anonymous

      I did this recently and found that I needed more workout outfits than I expected. I was working out daily as stress management and needed a full week’s worth of workout clothes.

    • Anon

      I’d bring stuff to make it easier to prepare food – a small cutting board, paring knife or two, veg peeler, can opener, few tupperwares and big ziploc bags, microwave-safe Pyrex or other dish for heating stuff up, sponges, dish soap. Some people like to have real plates, cups, and utensils if they are living in a hotel that long, I’m okay with decent plastic or bamboo in general so I can just throw away but like to have a mug for coffee. I’d plan to do a weekly grocery trip or drivers for easy fresh stuff like bag salad, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and fruit, plus stuff that’s easy to prep at the hotel like canned soup and a roast chicken.
      I’d definitely bring my own towels and toilet paper.

  11. Anonymous

    A law clerk (summer intern) asked me to write a letter of recommendation for her clerkship applications – I never clerked, I’m happy to write a letter, but I’m not sure what to write about, how long it should be, etc. Any suggestions?

    • AIMS

      I think one page is good, talk about her writing ability, work ethic, attention to detail and pleasant demeanor (you work so closely with people in chambers that personality really matters). If you can include a specific example, great. Assuming it’s true, I always like to end with something I like “I would recommend — for —without hesitation” or similar.

    • Anon

      The letters I saw (when I clerked and screened applications) were 1-1.5 pages single spaced. The more specific you can be, the better – attention to detail, work ethic, ability to get along with co-workers, ability to take feedback, and of course any examples/stories of those qualities. Clerking for a judge means being a part of a very small and close team, and so soft skills can play a big part in a clerk’s success.

      You may also want to ask her if following up with a call to chambers would be helpful. She may be able to find this out from her law school’s career office. And might depend on what kind of clerkship she is seeking (state v fed, trial v appellate).

    • Anon

      If she can juggle multiple assignments, please say so. I find so many young ‘uns can only work on one project at a time. Knowing how to prioritize (even if you get it wrong once in a while) multiple projects is, I gather, a learned skill that not everyone has learned or, in many cases, is wiling to learn.

    • anon

      In addition to writing ability, work-ethic, attention to detail, and ability to take feedback, analytical skills are key for law clerks. Might also mention good judgment and maturity.

    • Anon

      This is all good advice but tbh don’t sweat it much – unless you clerked for that judge or you write something really out of the ordinary like you DON’T recommend this person, this letter will get little weight compared to their grades, law school, and other factors unrelated to their work experience.

  12. Anon

    I’m someone who has always wanted to be stylish and current but struggled with pulling it off. Recently I’ve been realizing how much it’s about proportions-case in point-one day I wore a tight, long tank and cropped workout leggings to barre class and the next day wore high-waisted long leggings and a looser, cropped muscle tank. Felt so much more current in the second outfit. Any tips on how to decide whether a clothing item is outdated or can be brought up-to-date by pairing it with something different? Example is a Madewell v-neck striped tank top that I used to wear with black skinny jeans. It feels outdated for some reason but maybe pairing it with looser, lighter wash jeans would make it feel better? Sincerely, someone who is trying to not be wasteful but is sick of my closet feeling like 2019.

    • Lily

      V-neck tanks are not current, but I think you could make it work by tucking it into high-rise (non-skinny) jeans, wearing some on-trend sneakers or slide sandals, and adding some dainty necklaces.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t need permission or a rubric or a PhD. You know what feels current to you. It’s ok to not keep clothes you don’t like.

      • Anon

        No, my point was that I’ve generally struggled to know what feels current/feel good in an outfit. My point was that it was a recent realization just how much proportions in clothing items affects the overall vibe. At 40, I’m aware I don’t need anyone’s permission but would like to feel a bit more stylish.

        • Anonymous

          find stylish people online (IG) that you like their style/have a similar body type and emulate that. If you don’t have a sense for what’s current, it’s easiest to copy someone who is current and who has a similar body type.

    • Anon

      I feel like it always looks more fashionable to alternate loose and tight, long and short.

      Loose on top, tight on bottom or tight on top, loose on bottom. Cropped top with long bottoms (not a miniskirt!), longer top with shorts or a short skirt.

      Try it with the loose jeans for sure.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for this.

        Wear your top with wider trousers, not skinnies. You can still use your skinnies, but add more volume and/or strong shoulders on top.

      • AIMS

        Agree. It’s like the advice for strong makeup on eyes or lips, but not both. Or boobs or legs but not both when you go out.

    • Anonymous

      In your tank outfit example, it’s the jeans that are outdated, not the tank. Pants/jeans cuts are now looser overall (straight legs to very wide and full legs). Switch out the skinnies for a current cut, make sure your tank isn’t long (or tuck it in), and you’re good to go.

    • Greensleeves

      I recently started following two_scoops_of_style on Instagram and they regularly post “Millennial outfit makeovers” that I find really helpful! They start with an outfit, then switch out pieces to show what would make it more current. I’m not a millennial, but I am a very visual person and seeing the changes side by side helps me a lot.

      • Cat

        I followed them for a bit because of that feature but got frustrated because most of the time, instead of ways to keep 75% of an outfit but update it with a new piece, it’s a whole new outfit. I share the OP’s attempt to continue to wear my clothes in new ways vs. spend a bunch on a sudden wholesale silhoue–e change.

  13. Anon8

    Anyone ever consider (or actually take) a mid-career sabbatical? I am so burned out from work I’ve been fantasizing about it more than usual lately. In my ideal world I’d take a year off, sell my house and travel in the camper van I’m converting. I am thoroughly into the idea that you shouldn’t wait until retirement to do the things you want to do, and really like the concept of taking a mini-retirement during my working years. Anyone else care to fantasize with me? What would you do if you took time off from work?

    • Anon

      DH is an academic with official sabbaticals every 7 years. First one was during Covid so we didn’t go anywhere. Our daughter will be in 4th grade for the next one and I’m pushing hard for at least a semester in Europe, likely Denmark or the UK based on his work connections and our lack of foreign language fluency. My job is remote, but I’m not sure they’ll let me work from a foreign country. If they don’t, I’ll probably just quit and try to find something new when I get back. My job is not that great, and I could use a break.

      • Bette

        We’re in a similar situation! My job technically allows unpaid three-month sabbaticals (although it’s not widely known or encouraged) so I will probably try to use that when DH’s next sabbatical rolls around. The trickier part is saving up enough money that I can afford to not work for three months…

    • Anon

      A former coworker of mine did this around age 30. Quit the law firm, traveled the world for months, and ended up in New Zealand. She got an in-house job in New Zealand, fell in love, got married, and had a baby. Obviously, it worked out great for her!

    • Anon

      Nope. I accidentally took some time off during the lockdown phase of the pandemic (was laid off) but I feel like that doesn’t count because it was so stressful.

      I’m working through with plans to retire at 60ish when the youngest graduates from college. I’m on track to do that.

    • H13

      Me! I am tentatively planning on doing this next year but for 2-3 months. I have elementary-age kids and a partner with a flexible schedule. Our plan is to travel to see lots of friends and family we haven’t seen in years/have never visited and be able to spend real time with them and explore the areas we will visit. I am calling it a sabbatical but really it is a gift to myself after a natural ending point for one job and a respite before I look for/start another. I hope I can actually follow through with the plan!

      • Anon

        This is me. I quit my job at a Big 4 back in March and I’m slowly taking my time to find a new job. I’ve been spending time on big house projects, visiting family, taking daytime fitness classes that normally do not fit in my schedule, and volunteering. I recently turned 50 and diligently saved for the past 25 years so I could afford to take this time.

    • Anon

      I left my job to go to grad school full time. It’s awesome, but intense and, TBH, work was way less work!

    • Anon

      Nope, because I can’t imagine wanting the stress that comes with getting a job, house, etc., again. The key is figuring out how to create balance in your own life. For me, that’s really understanding that my job isn’t my value in this world, it’s what I do to live the life I want and my employer’s stresses are not mine to take home.

      • anon

        This. A sabbatical honestly feels like a pipe dream. I get the midlife and midcareer burnout, believe me.

        • anon

          I would only take one in the context of my employer allows me to take a sabbatical/leave and my employment is guaranteed upon my return. My work partner’s husband’s company (large, public, household name) has this program and he qualifies next year for, I think, 6 months. Downside is they have two little kids and he really can’t do a whole lot with it – no world travel in his sights. He’s been at the company 15 years (we’re late 30s) and qualifies, but they’re not going to take kids out of school and she has to work herself.

          I would not just quit a job and take time off and then hope to find another job upon my return. Couldn’t deal with the stress of that, and honestly my line of work does not look kindly to long gaps/being out of the market. Being away from maternity leave is hard enough.

      • Anon

        I think I would have been like this too until recently. Super severe burnout and an ailing family member basically forced a kind of sabbatical on me. And I’ve realized that it is going to be uncomfortable to hard to figure out housing and figure out a job again, but they’re not actually very big obstacles. People do both of those things all the time. I have done both of those things many times before! I’d just gotten so comfortable that I let that fear grow to pretty outsize proportions. So I say OP should do it, except renting out the house is probably better for just a year.

    • Anokha

      I think about this like daily. I would spend the summer (while the kids are off from school) in Europe. Rent a flat in Amsterdam. Bike around, eat good food, so all the playgrounds, and try to live like a local.

      • Anon

        My husband and I are college professors and many of our friends do this every summer. We haven’t because first our child was too little for it to be fun, then Covid and now she’s old enough that she really wants to be around friends and doing camps and activities. I’m jealous of the families that do it though! And we plan to do it once we’re empty nesters.

    • Dream

      Oh my gosh yes. Do it. I’m a young partner at a law firm (small firm) and am tentatively planning a 4- week sabbatical next year. I have flexibility and no issue meeting billable par, but I know my firm will freak, at the same time, I want to do it before my retiring partner actually retires and while my main associate is between maternity leaves.

      My dream for a year would be living on a pretty small budget and planning it could take another 6 months to re-enter. I’d probably do a monthly lunch with key contacts for at least 3-6 months at the end to try to make re-entry less painful. I’d absolutely try to take a leave of absence from my job if it was allowed. I’m single no kids so health insurance isn’t crazy expensive but I’d still want to make sure I understood coverage in all the places I’d travel. I can barely imagine a year but I think I would:
      – stay home for a month straight. (I get you’re selling but I just crave time at home)
      – see my relatives. One surviving grandparent, my retired aunt, etc.
      – read so so many books.
      – take walks. Get into a doable, consistent workout routine. Take classes at weird times that are smaller sized.
      – take up a hobby with my hands for my long term mental health.
      – volunteer for something that is way more time consuming than I can usually handle.
      – learn to cook. Host inexpensive casual gatherings with a couple close friends every month or so.
      – re evaluate whether I want to try to start a part time online business or consulting gig 4-5 months in.
      – travel – safe, cheap, but I’d want to plan it after my first month because I just wouldn’t have time to savor anticipation on my way out to start the sabbatical. My pay depends on my work product so I couldn’t phone it in on the way out.

    • Anon

      Do it. But if you plan to come back within a year to where you currently live I wouldn’t sell your house.

    • Anonymous

      My firm offers 3 month sabbaticals for equity partners and if I’m ever an equity partner, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I don’t know that I could take a “sabbatical” by quitting my job and just taking time off, though; I’d probably be too stressed about finding a job again when I needed to.

    • Anon

      I think we’d all like that but I’d be too nervous about spending down savings / having trouble finding a job again

    • Hootster

      I did this when I was in my early thirties leaving MBB. It was amazing. I took about a year off, spent 2 months at a meditation retreat, learned how to kiteboard and did several other bucket list outdoor adventures, including a through hike. It was all pre husband and kids, but a decade later, we’re trying to do something similar with the whole fam.

      I’d recommend renting your house instead of selling, as well.

      • Anne-on

        How do they hold up? I’ve heard many people gripe about the low quality of the PJs/blouses.

        • Anon

          I have some of their button downs, they wash and last well, my issue with Quince is everything fits almost perfect but not quite. And the not quite is enough to return most things.

        • Anon

          I hand wash mine, so they’re good, but I will note that I usually need to steam them after my drying rack.

        • Betsy

          Not sure about the tee, but I have a few washable silk tanks and one of them tore in the wash. I put them in a delicates bag now. I agree that the fit on them is a little weird, I wear them as a base layer so I’ve let it go but I won’t buy again.

        • Vicky Austin

          Washed in a delicates bag my silk tanks have held up fine. The fit is weird (size up) and they do need something for the wrinkles after washing.

    • AIMS

      I generally stay away from polyester for tops but make an exception for tops like this from Nordstrom Rack. Maybe because they are loose, they don’t get as hot and stinky?

  16. Anon

    I just got my first positive pregnancy test!!!! It’s crazy early, I teared up a little bit but my husband still can’t process that it’s real because there’s still such a high risk of miscarriage (I’m only 10 days past ovulation). I desperately want to share the excitement though! Curious how early others began telling close friends and family? There is a small handful who know we are trying.

    • Anon

      As the friend, the people I’m closest to shared at the earliest point, like where you are today. I was honored to be a part of their ups in life and would have been a support if things had gone wrong. My .02 is you don’t have to tell everyone, but let those close to you in, that’s how you stay close.

    • Anon

      Congratulations! You can tell anyone you’d also tell you had a miscarriage. So yes to your sister or bestie, no to your boss. That was my rule.

      I’m excited for you!

      • Anokha

        This was my rule of thumb! I told my immediate family and closest circle. We also told my MIL with a request that she not tell anyone — and she immediately told her doorman, neighbor, etc because she was so excited.

      • Anne-on

        I only told my best friend and SIL (we were vacationing with my SIL the week after I found out and I knew she’d notice and be very sensitive if anything happened). I waited to 10 weeks to tell my parents/inlaws as they have no filter and would immediately tell everyone, which they of course did.
        Good luck!!

      • Bette

        This was my rule of thumb too for all three pregnancies – unfortunately my first one did end in miscarriage and so I ended up needing to lean on those friends and family members to get me through it. I actually ended up telling my boss and team at work about the miscarriage after I knew it was happening, mostly because it was a long process and I needed a lot of time off for appointments / recovery.

        Congratulations, this is such a special and exciting time!!

    • Anon

      I hate having people feel sorry for me, so I wanted to minimize the risk of having to share a miscarriage and we waited until 14 weeks to tell anyone, even our parents and best friends. By then we had done the NIPT testing and had two appointments where we heard the heartbeat (10 weeks and 14 weeks). I told work and extended (non-local) family and less close friends after the 20 week anatomy scan. We didn’t do social media announcements until the baby was here.
      Totally aware this is not the norm, but just sharing a different perspective.

      • Anon

        I didn’t do social media until after my son was born. This is definitely about what works for people and doesn’t work for others – some women love the attention and having people get all excited for them; I was burned out in the intrusiveness and cruelty before I even conceived.

      • Vicky Austin

        We also waited until 14 weeks to tell anyone, except one random coworker who was driving with me to a client site and started vaping in the car. I asked her to stop and confessed why, and she assumed since I was telling her such vulnerable news so early that we were BFFs and that she could grill me about my dilation in front of my boss at the end of my pregnancy.

        (Next time I’m being deliberately obtuse about my due date with everybody except my husband and whoever is on call to watch DS.)

      • Anon

        This is what I did too with both kids. I just didn’t want to share until the risk was relatively low. We’re both only children and I knew our parents would be too excited not to share with everybody they knew. I told my bff at 10 weeks with the second but only because we had our weekly meetup watching a show and (usually) drinking wine. Still waited until 12-14 weeks to tell our parents (based on timing of NIPT). Nothing on social media each time until I shared a holiday family photo (with a 2 month old and again with a 3 month old baby in it!). Work at 20 weeks with the first and 24 weeks with the second (pandemic kid WFH).

    • Vicky Austin

      Congratulations!!! I came straight here and nobody else knew except my husband, but I like the rule 11:07 shared!

    • Anon

      I have had 3 chemical pregnancies and a later first trimester miscarriage. I actually do share on the earlier end with the people whose support I would want if I had a loss, but in any case not until I’ve had my first doctor’s appointment and ultrasound (my doc does that at 8 weeks).

    • Anon

      We ended up telling friends and close family, who knew we’d done an IUI, when I was about 8 weeks along. Those were all people I would have been comfortable telling if I’d ended up having a miscarriage.

      I got outed at work way sooner than I would have preferred – I wasn’t even 12 weeks along – because my boss walked in my office while I was throwing up into the trash can, was obviously very concerned, I told him, and he ended up blabbing it in a staff meeting. Not how I wanted that to go, but whatever.

    • anon too

      Congrats!! I also just got my first positive test (after a year of trying) – so exciting but also doesn’t quite feel real yet. I’m not planning to share until at least after my first doctor’s appointment, and I like Anon @ 11:07’s rule too. Just need to do whatever you feel comfortable with.

    • Anon

      Congratulations! Pregnancy is such a roller coaster. My husband was also a little underwhelming as far as excitement in the beginning of our pregnancies. We’ve known lots of people to lose pregnancies early. I have had a chemical pregnancy before. So I always interpreted that he didn’t want to lay on too much pressure in the beginning by showing too much emotion. We told friends and family around 9 weeks with our current pregnancy. After the first ultrasound.

      • An.On.

        Are you me? This was almost word for word what happened with husband and me. I think we would have told family a lot sooner if we didn’t have that experience. And work I planned to tell later on I think but ended up telling around the 11-12 week mark because of COVID related issues.

    • Anon

      Congrats!!

      I wanted to wait to share the news but had such awful morning sickness starting at 3 weeks that there was no disguising it. Here’s hoping that you have the option to keep your scrumptious secret as long as you see fit!

    • Anonymous

      I swore up and down I wasn’t going to tell anyone but as soon as I got the pink line I told the people I would have wanted to know if I had a miscarriage (as well as a healthy pregnancy).

    • Anonymous

      I was 10 weeks at Christmas, when we were visiting my in-laws. We told my in-laws, my parents and all siblings in the course of about 48 hours. If we hadn’t been physically at my in-law’s home we probably would have waited until genetic testing at ~12 weeks, which is when we told everyone else. That actually also corresponded to my husband’s 40th birthday so it was pretty fun!

  17. Bette

    One of my dearest friends is having her eggs frozen next month. I will be there to drive her to and from the egg retrieval appointment but would love any ideas beyond that about how I can best support her. Her love language is gifts. Hit me up with your best ideas or what’s been meaningful to you in a similar moment! Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Honestly I didn’t really need much support but sure I’d take flowers or a face mask or something!

      • Anonymous

        I was starving after my two, and in tears after one of them – a reaction to the anesthesia – so I’d recommend food!

    • OOO

      She probably has to fast before the surgery and will be starving afterwards. Pick up some lunch from her favorite place on the way home. She may have some pain/cramping afterwards and may not have the energy to eat lunch with you and hold a conversation, but help her get situated on her sofa for a good Netflix binge and then leave and let her rest. You’re a good friend!

    • Anonymous

      Based on my experience of a few egg retrievals – I had very specific food cravings as the anesthesia wore off; mine were for greasy, salty, fast food fries. Sodium is supposed to help stave off OHSS, too, so that was a bit of a side benefit. As for things that feel more like “gifts,” I would have appreciated cozy things (a lovely throw blanket, really soft sweatshirt, maybe a nice sleep mask, etc) to help me relax as I dozed through the post-retrieval day. Depending on her sense of humor, she might find themed socks charming — just search “egg retrieval socks” for some options.

      • Bette

        Great gift ideas, thank you! We already have a few pairs of matching irreverent socks so love that idea.

    • Anon

      I slept most of the day afterwards, but generally was fine and didn’t need much. I agree with flowers, face / hand / foot masks and a cozy blanket for lounging.

      Is freezing her eggs somewhat sensitive? I only froze mine after going through a divorce and, while I was in a good place at the time, the procedure made me think through all the reasons why I was there (remembering that painful divorce period, thinking about all the ways I thought my life would be different / how I thought I’d have kids by now, etc) – I woke up from the procedure in tears (the nurse was unphased, I’m guessing this is common) and I was somewhat sad the rest of the day. Not sure if your friend might have anything similar, but she might want company or might just want to be alone the rest of the day.

      • Bette

        She’s in her late thirties and hasn’t found the right guy. I think it is a little sensitive as there have been a few almost-right guys; also everyone else in our circle has kids now so she sometimes feels left out. But she’s also always expressed ambivalence about becoming a mother.

        So I guess – yes, complicated feelings and you raise a great point about being a safe space for helping to work through those post retrieval.

    • Anonymous

      I found that I was depressed afterwards. I would take her out to eat a week post-retrival.

      • Anon

        This! I have never been more hormonal than ~10 days after the retrieval surgery. There were times when I simply could not stop crying, it was terrible. It went on for at least a week as the hormones left my system. Honestly, that part was worse than the shots and the actual procedure.

        • Bette

          Very good to know, thank you – will make sure I’m following up in the weeks after the procedure too.

    • anon

      So if she is willing to share, I think it would be helpful to know how things are shaping up in advance of the retrieval. If she is having a low response to stimulation, it’s possible to not get a great result from the retrieval – going into mine, I knew I only had a maximum of 5 eggs that would be ready, and was pretty devastated when I found out in the recovery room that they weren’t able to retrieve all of those – I only ended up with 3 eggs after all of that time, money, and emotional agita. (This was in the context of IVF, and ultimately we got nothing out of that retrieval cycle – only 1 embryo made it to 5 days and it was aneuploid.) If you know how her numbers are looking, that will be helpful to understanding how stressed she is feeling about the outcome of the retrieval and supporting her afterward if the result isn’t great.

      • Bette

        This is so helpful, thank you. We are very open with each other and share everything but she is kind of in a state of denial about this process… I think it’s a little emotionally hard for her and her tendency with these sorts of things is to avoid thinking or talking about it too much. But your post has given me some good ideas about the kind of questions to ask.

  18. Anon

    Help me understand real estate. There are RE agents. And brokers. And a lot of agents are brokers (in my state, these are two separate licenses apparently). Then, there are people who own brokerages / real estate firms. When an agent sells a house, she gets 50% of the 6% fee. But her company gets half of her fee. So she is left with 1.5% of the sales price (unless she is also on a “team” within a brokerage / firm, in which case maybe they all have yet another hand out for funds).

    If you were thinking about going into real estate, is this roughly right? And is it really different on the commercial real estate side?

    I’m trying to think of a new profession and just trying to learn a lot about things. My friends say if you are good at sales, the $s ultimately work out hen you get to be a seller’s agent and don’t have to do as much work (Saturdays tied up taking clients to showing and they never buy — seller’s agent always gets paid but buyer’s may just work a ton for a limited payout). Also, health insurance and benefits offerings seems to be “be married to someone who can add you to his policy,” which is no bueno.

    • Cat

      The average realtor is not pulling in a huge take-home pay – do a quick “how many realtors make any money” G–gle and have a gander.

    • Anon

      I didn’t know brokers and RE agents were different things?

      Which one do I want to sell my house?

      • Senior Attorney

        VERY ROUGHLY, it’s the difference between partners and associates in law firms. In California, for example, real estate agents are require to work under a supervising real estate broker. A broker, unlike an agent, can own a real estate firm alone or with other brokers, and may have agents working for them. Also you can become an agent without any experience but brokers are required to have real estate (or related) experience and/or education.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh my Lord. First of all, the residential real estate market is quite depressed right now due to high mortgage rates, so this isn’t the best time to be getting into it. Second, even if you are a seller’s agent, you still have to meet your clients when they are available and that is likely to be a lot of nights and weekends. (And I’m trying to imagine the world in which the seller’s agent doesn’t do much work — tell that to the Realtors I know!) I strongly suggest talking to somebody who is actually in the field and finding out what it is actually like. You can make a lot of money at real estate but the people who do work HARD for years to get there.

    • Anonymous

      Expenses for the sale process also fit in there somewhere. So it’s not like she’s netting 1.5% as income, I think – she’s also got a pay for the listing and all of the marketing materials out of that.

      And there is tremendous pressure on the 6% fees right now. could be anywhere from 4.5 to 6% in my local major Metro market.

    • Explorette

      Do you have a separate income source? If you made the switch to this career and didn’t sell a house for a year, could you handle that financially? Real estate is an easy career to get into, which is why a lot of people do it. That means there are a lot of agents out there you need to compete with. How are you going to distinguish yourself? How are you going to get clients? These are the questions I’d be thinking about.

    • Anon

      I explored this with a relative a few years ago who had a midlife crisis and was wanting to switch careers, and was thinking about becoming a residential real-estate agent. As I recall, most RE agents are involved in fewer than 5 transactions a year – million-dollar agents are rare. For a lot of people, it’s more of a side-hustle level of income vs. a salary level. And I believe most sellers’ agents work their way into that by being a buyer’s agent first and developing a clientele and a referral network.

      Almost all RE agents are independent contractors, not W-2 employees, and so do not get benefits through their brokerage. And it’s recommended that you start out with a brokerage, where there will be a lead/referral pipeline and access to some degree of admin support (which I believe you have to pay the brokerage for, but it’s there) and there will be a brand behind you, vs. just setting up shop and hanging out a shingle.

      An ex-intern of mine is now a commercial real-estate agent in our city and she’s making a nice amount of money and is doing well, but it took her about 5 years of working really hard to develop a network and a reputation and get to a point where it’s a sustaining, consistent high level of income for her. It is absolutely a sales job – whether you’re on the buyer or seller side or you’re residential or commercial – and if you are good at sales, I would look at getting a business development or sales job for a corporation, where you can get a salary + commission and bonus and benefits, vs. going the real-estate route. I’ll be honest – most people I know who have become RE agents or brokers have done it because they haven’t been successful doing a lot of other things they tried.

      • anon for this

        This is all very true. I got my RE license in my mid-50’s and sold for a couple of years (this was about 5 years ago which was another challenging market with no inventory). Upside of being older, people took me more seriously because I had had a number of personal RE transactions in multiple states and had the confidence/gravitas to fake it until I made it. I actually surprised established realtors with my relative newbie success. HOWEVER – nights, weekends and your schedule in general will not be your own for many, many years. You hold weekend open houses for other agents’ listings to try and engage new clients and balance that against time showing listings with your own clients (and you’ll either be browbeating friends and relatives or knocking on doors to find your clients via your “sphere of influence”). Really successful agents start younger than I did and generate repeat clients through successive cycles of buying and selling properties (average time in a house is 7 years) who hopefully refer you to friends. But in addition to marketing for new clients, it’s imperative to keep up the relationship with old clients because I was told an average person knows 8 realtors and clients are notoriously fickle unless you have a ongoing relationship which takes a lot of work. And then there are the clients who look at dozens of houses and never actually buy – lots of time and energy for no payout at all. And you have to have a smile on your face and say “sure, let’s go look at another one” so you don’t get a negative reputation or social media review.
        It’s a tough business – brokerages make their money on the backs of new agents who don’t get nearly as much money out of a sale as people think. On the other hand, if you are really successful, in time that percentage can be negotiated (I knew agents who kept over 95% of their commissions) because having your name associated with a particular brokerage was to the broker’s advantage. That’s where you can make good money, but you work really, really hard to get to that point.

    • Anon

      I worked as a Realtor (not all real estate agents are Realtors to add your confusion) pre-lockdown in a hot market for a year. I started as an assistant to a successful seller’s agent to get the hang of things and then was poached by a small very successful brokerage which needed a buyer’s agent (which is where you start generally). In Virginia, brokers and agents could assist both sellers and buyers, but all agents had to be affiliated with a brokerage or also have their broker’s license.

      It’s a HUSTLE. You better like working with difficult people and be able to work nights and weekends, because that’s when people see houses. Sure, do buyer’s agents have it a little easier schedule wise? Maybe? But properly prepping a seller’s house for the market and being a legitimately good buyer’s agent is a lot of work!

      I was financially supported by my partner while I got up to speed, but after a year and a half, I went back to a regular W-2 office job. I could not deal with the schedule and monetary instability. It was not for me even though I actually enjoyed the work itself!

  19. Anon

    Maybe too late for this, but what can I do about whiteheads that keep forming in the crease of my nose? I’ve tried an AHA/BHA cream. I literally wake up to 2-3+ white heads on each side of my nose. Sometimes they also appear throughout the day.

    • Anon

      Have you started a retinoid yet for anti-aging?
      That’s what took care of those for me.
      I have a prescription strength from my dermatologist. Since it is for acne, it is covered by your insurance.

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