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Tuesday’s TPS Report: Diamond Textured Wrap Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Diamond Textured Wrap Dress | CorporetteI love all the twists on the basic black dress here — the wrap front detail looks so flattering, but also totally work appropriate, and you have to zoom in to see the cool texture to the top half of the dress. While it looks short on the model, it is 36.5″ long, which would be fine on my 5'4″ frame. I like that it's lined and — huzzah — has a hidden back zip. It's $395 at Rebecca Taylor (which has amazing deals from time to time if you're on their email list). Diamond Textured Wrap Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

210 Comments

    3. I also love this dress, Kat! But FOOEY b/c these would be tight on my TUCHUS! FOOEY! And it is a littel expensive. I have been VERY busy today with the manageing partner’s slides, but will p’ost later! Myrna is now finaly back at work from swallowing the poopie. YAY!!!!

  2. Ugh, must rant briefly:
    I have a throbbing headache and I smell like rancid spicy flowers because the woman who sat next to me on the train was wearing SO much perfume. I was boxed in and couldn’t move seats, and had to commute for 25 minutes holding my breath. That was two hours ago and my cardigan still reeks.
    Why, why, why do people do this?

    1. I am commenting just to offer sympathy. This is the worst! Why DO people do this?!?

      1. Some people cannot smell themselves, apparently. Or they perceive their scent as alluring. Sympathies – I get nauseous myself from perfumes…

        1. people do get used to the scent of their own perfume and then end up applying a ton so that *they* can smell it – I just had this happen when my assistant was out and you could smell her substitute from across the office. Since I knew she’d be here for a week (long enough that it would drive me nuts, but not so long as to specifically address it), I asked her what scent she was wearing. She said, totally shocked, “you can smell my perfume???” I just simply said yes and asked what it was (IIRC it was Chanel – didn’t smell *bad* it was just overwhelming). She didn’t wear any the rest of the week. So some people might realize you shouldn’t be super perfumed at work, but just be clueless!

          1. Cat, I love that way of addressing it – perfumes drive me insane. My mom gets scent-triggered migraines and I seemed to have inherited that trait as well.

          2. YES! There are two women in my office that wear the same perfume and I’m not joking when I say you can tell when you’ve just missed them — can still smell their perfume trail down the hall or in the room where they just were! Or papers in one office smell like the perfume days later. It’s Chanel, too, and the #1 reason why I stopped wearing them — so sick of smelling it on other people.

            I also get scent-triggered migraines that can last for DAYS, so I’m sensitive to it, too, but even people without this problem don’t like how much perfume these women wear. (There have been complaints!)

      2. Well, I got puke in my hair this morning (currently 16 weeks pregnant) and didn’t have time to wash it afterwards, so I am pretty sure I smell like puke despite trying to spot rinse it and spraying it with dry shampoo. So it could be worse! :)

  4. I’ve explored the various round-ups of work totes, but now it is coming to where to procure such a beast. I am looking for under $100, and the merchants so far that I have thought about are:

    Nord’s rack; Soff5th; Zap; 6pm; e-bags & ama-zon. Where else should I be looking?

          1. I think the point might have been, can we not call ourselves “whores” when we are self promoting? I understand it’s a very popular phrase in the vernacular, but when you examine what you are actually saying, it’s awful.

        2. I agree with A Nonny Moose. Posting a link to a round up of black tote bags doesn’t require that level of self-deprecation.

          1. I think she was referring to the fact that she had posted a few other links to her blog when people had relevant questions in the course of the comments (over the course of the past day or so).

        3. +1 and I mean this in the nicest way, but it’s a strong word that I never/rarely hear used, I think it’s just a cultural/regional thing since you say it’s commonly used in your friends circle.
          I generally have no problems with strong language, only strong language that is specifically directed to women, like this one or the b word.

      1. +1 I’ve seen some great work totes at TJ Maxx, including the MAB mini and Kate Spade.

      2. I get all my work bags at TJ Maxx or Ross. I’ve never seen a bag at the Nordstrom Rack near my house for less than $100.

        I know we’re all about designer bags here, but I got my work bag for about $25 at Ross and it’s perfect, so remember you don’t have to spend a ton for a good bag.

    5. I checked out our Ross today, and they had exactly what I wanted in this gross muddy brown. There were a few others in black, but different brands and not quite the right size. I’m worried that a lot of the ones I am looking at are going to be too short vertically, or not long enough lengthwise, to hold a big 3-ring binder (or 2) and some legal files. I’m tempted to just start carrying empties around with me to check it out.

      I will be hitting our TJM soon too. I sure don’t need designer. I’d love actual leather, but I know that gets into the pricier end of the spectrum. Thanks for all the input.

    2. changed my mind on it last night — we just didn’t pull the scheduled post in time (or write the new post). i would still rock the red velvet blazer, but just didn’t feel like hearing it from the commenters today.

        1. Seriously, I went through airport security last week wearing a velvet tank top, which the TSA agents could see in full view bc they made me take off my lightweight cardigan… and then after they x-rayed me or whatever it is, two TSA agents started raving to each other about how much they wanted to touch me. Like I wasn’t there. It was very disturbing.

      1. It’s the Alice and Olivia Ros*tte Velvet Blazer on sale at Saks Off Fifth.

        FWIW – there are a lot of really cute blazers in the SOF sale right now, including really cute peplum ones from Boss and Nanette Lepore (black and purple), and a really cheery coral one in a linen blend from DKNY.

        And, Kat, sometimes the heart just loves what it loves. I wasn’t feeling the velvet one, but am totally partial to this red “admiral” one (http://tinyurl.com/oqu2hrc), which I am sure is also NOT for the majority but I think I could totally rock the h*ll out of it.

  6. Found out I’m taking a last minute trip to Minneapolis tomorrow through Friday. I’m staying downtown (Hotel Minneapolis!) but no rental car. Wondering if anyone has recommendations for good restaurants that are in walking/cabbing distance?

    1. All of Minneapolis will be in reach – North Loop is kind of the up and coming area (north of Hennepin Ave) – has Bar La Grassa and Bachelor Farmer, along with Haute Dish.

      Downtown area – Restaurant Max (I think it’s in your hotel). Check out the food trucks on Nicollet Mall (I think) at lunch. Seven, Solera (has rooftop), Meridan (has a neat downstairs bar called the Library). Hell’s Kitchen on 9th. Crave (has rooftop).

      Light rail is now connecting Minneapolis and St. Paul along University Ave, so St Paul isn’t too hard to get to.

        1. ooo, also …Spoonriver (by the Guthrie), or Wild Roast (and the couple others) in the St Anthony Main area (right along the Mississippi river, across from the Guthrie/downtown – cross the Hennepin Ave bridge or the Stonearch bridge). NorthEast (across the river on Hennepin) will have the Bulldog and a new German beerhaus type place (haven’t been, looks fun) along with a neapolitan pizza place (Pizza Nea, I think) and Red Stag Supper Club (local sourced food, iirc, with a small but ever-evolving menu).

        2. Include a stroll across the Stone Arch Bridge if you possibly can; it’s been converted for walking and bicycling, the view is spectacular, and the weather forecast favors you this week:
          . Have a great visit!

          1. Oh, well, I see the link was edited out, though perhaps it will pop up later. If not, a Google search for Minneapolis + “Stone Arch Bridge” will yield the Park District’s Web page.

      2. Woah! Perfect timing!! I’ll be in Minneapolis next week myself and was avoiding making my reso’s bc I didn’t know where to start. Thank you!

    2. The food trucks are on Marquette not Nicollet. A Farmer’s Market goes down Nicollet on Thursday though. The weather should fabulous this whole week, so people will be out and about. Speaking of a good view, another place to check is the bar Prohibition at the top of W Hotel. It’s in a historic building. I also recommend walking to the Stone Arch Bridge. One resturant not mentioned yet is Brasserie Zentral. It’s new and I have not checked it out yet.

      1. Thanks everyone for the great suggestions! Looking forward to exploring :)

  7. Does anyone here have a specific diet plan that they love / saw results from? I am a fan of the South Beach Diet and am just curious what works for other people. I recognize that simply eating clean, etc. is the way to go but I am solely interested in hearing about a plan I could google, take the cookbook out of the library, etc. Bonus points if it comes with an affiliated work out plan. TIA!

    1. I know people who have had great success with Whole 30/similar. You may also want to check out Whole Life Challenge. I am not sure if there is a current campaign going on, but it could give you more ideas.

      1. I did a Whole Life Challenge in January and liked my results (lost significant bodyfat, like 8-9%). Now, I’ve gained some of it back once I got off track with the eating and regular exercise. WLC at the beginner level is similar to paleo, but less strict. If you like South Beach, you might like that, although it does prohibit almost all dairy. WLC doesn’t have a prescribed plan other than you are supposed to exercise 10 minutes a day and stretch 10 minutes a day. If you don’t want to go the paid route, you can search online for the approved foods lists and then use paleo-type recipes which are everywhere.

        What I learned- I think that I do best with a primal/ paleo approach to eating (80/20 split for compliance and cheat meals) with regular exercise several days a week. I also learned to watch my liquid calories; mine come in the form of alcohol rather than juice , sodas, sugary drinks.

      2. Can you do Whole 30 while pregnant? I don’t know anything about it, but I am interested in a system of eating that will help me not gain too much weight.

        1. This is really something to discuss with your doctor. Who in all likelihood is going to tell you that you are pregnant, and your focus should be on eating a variety of nutritious foods when you are hungry. Not really the time for a gimmicky restrictive eating plan most people use to lose weight.

        2. Gah. Do NOT try to diet while you are pregnant. Don’t do it! Sure, eat mindfully and whatever, but do NOT diet.

          1. That’s more what I was thinking. I didn’t realize it was restrictive; I just thought it was a whole foods focused style of eating, if that makes sense.

          2. Pregnancy aside, Whole 30 is pretty extreme if you truly stick to it as prescribed. Concept is simple, but actual practice upended my life for that two months. Now, I try to “eat clean” – stick to outer aisles of grocery store, minimal packaged foods, etc… way more doable to use that lifestyle as guideline than strict diet.

          3. Agree. I saw a nutritionist while pregnant with same concerns re weight gain, which you may want to do. Basically felt like someone ripped a page out of Self magazine – sweet potatoes good! Diet soda bad! But still … Not bad advice for pregnancy.

    2. Weight Watchers. I’ve done Paleo, Whole 30, and every fad since 2005. I had good Paleo and Whole 30 results, but I couldn’t keep up with it. The second I started eating non-Paleo (though still “healthy” by other standards) I gained it all back. I’m often out of the house for 18 hours of my day. I needed the flexibility of (carefully chosen) prepackaged food and other foods that are not Paleo-friendly. WW is sustainable and most reasonable in a way that no other plan was (at least for me). I lost 45 4 years ago, kept off 35. I’m recently back on to lose the last 20.

      1. Same. Weight loss gained by dieting is often not sustainable, but WW has really worked for me because I can still eat all the stuff I like, I am just so much more careful about it.

      2. +1 for Weight Watchers. I was never overweight but always had/(have) 10-20 lbs that have followed me… in my pack pocket mostly… since high school. I finally got serious on WW this year and have dropped 18 lbs and am hoping to get rid of a few more. Combined with regular exercise, I feel foolish for not doing it sooner.

        1. +1. Especially since WW gives you the freedom to eat whatever way you want to but while instilling healthy eating habits and mindful eating. It is the only plan I have ever done which is sustainable. Lost 23 pounds with it the first time, gained a few back but now back on track after 4 months on the plan (lost 8 pounds).

    3. I know people who were already in good shape that were trying to get serious muscle definition that had great luck with Paleo. I know someone else who did it and got miserably sick. Paleo isn’t so much for weight loss as it is for muscle building/defining. Some people gain weight on it due to the muscle build.

    4. I’ll add one more that is non-traditional. Clean by Dr. Junger. I lost several pants sizes but not because I lost weight but because I identified my food intolerances through the elimination diet and lost tons of bloat and inflammation. I modified his diet plan though and did smoothie breakfast, soup lunch, substantial dinner so I could eat w/ my husband instead of smoothie breakfast, substantial lunch, soup dinner. I had already long suspected my dairy and gluten issues but this identified my avocado allergy that no doctors could figure out. I was repeatedly in the ER for “food poisoning” which was actually avocado allergy. One sip of a kale/avocado smoothie and I had found my culprit.

      I only mention it because you mentioned “clean eating” and some people that struggle w/ belly weight actually have bloat from a food intolerance.

      1. I lost some bloating/belly weight when I cut out most dairy products. Cutting out things like cow’s milk and cow’s milk yogurt (which I was eating regularly) did have an impact on me. I still eat some cheese, but so sparingly that it doesn’t really have an impact. Similarly, I have reduced my processed carb intake significantly over the years and I notice almost immediate bloating when I eat things like pizza or drink alcohol. Not to say I don’t eat those things, but I can see the effect.

        OP – I follow a diet that is similar to Paleo and Whole 30, which basically amounts to protein, a lot of veggies, some fruit (being wary of too much sugar), and minimally processed carbs (like oats, quinoa, lentils). It’s not as restrictive as either Paleo or Whole 30, but I think you could get ideas from books related to those two diets. Also, Whole 30 was developed by Crossfit people, so I would imagine there are resources out there for workouts.

        1. YES. I felt so much better after a realized I can’t process dairy. After getting a negative dairy allergy test, I bought some lactase pills. I took a higher dosage when I ate a small amount of cheese yesterday and I swear my waist is inches smaller.

          My stomach had looked like I was just starting to show a pregnancy for a year. I feel so much better.

      2. Oh my gosh, I could have written this post, down to switching the meals so I could eat with my husband. Both of us did it, we just liked our big meal at night. It worked really well for us, and I still do a lot of what he taught (smoothies for breakfast, more soup, really clean foods, etc.).

    5. I have a friend doing Beachbody + Shakeology, and she’s lost like 15lbs in the last 6 weeks, she looks amazng

  8. This dress is not for the generous of chest. It will make the girls look even larger.
    Ask me how I know….:(

  9. I’d like some advice.

    I have a co-worker who routinely shows up at least twenty minutes late, who frequently calls out unexpectedly, leaves to attend “doctor’s” appointments in the middle of the day and then shows up three of more hours later, and generally fails to complete her assignments on time. For example, she called out two weeks ago and disappeared from 11am-4pm one day that week. Then, she was gone all last week on vacation, and has yet called out today. I cannot remember the last time she arrived to work on time, truly.

    None of this affects me personally, but it has been going on for near eight months now, and besides being spoken with multiple times, her behavior has resulted in no consequence. She’s hasn’t been taken to HR yet. So, she basically has free reign to work whenever she feels like it and to get paid for it.

    What is even more upsetting is that I discovered that she makes substantially more than me for the exact same position and comparable work experience. Every time I see that she’s late or has called out or is missing from her desk, it feels like this massive slap in the face, like proof that management somehow believes that she is worth more to the company than I am.

    I don’t want to be petty, but I don’t think that this is fair, and I’m becoming increasingly resentful of management as a result. What can I do? Should I anonymously report to HR? I’m concerned about the potential repercussions of that action, but I know that if I discuss with my manager, she’ll only tell me to mind my own business. Should I just keep my head down and let this continue?

    This is my first corporate job, so I really hope that some of you will be willing to provide insight.

    P.S. We were, up until very recently, quite close as co-workers, so I do know that there is no legitimate excuse for her behavior. She simply doesn’t like work, and knows that she can get away with acting like this.

    1. Since you now know the going rate for your position and experience you should re-negotiate your salary.

    2. There is likely information you are not privy too. She may work extra hours from home under a flex agreement. She may have a serious medical issue and her coworkers are giving her slack but don’t want to publicize her problems. She may have a family member w/ cancer who she is bringing to chemo but doesn’t want others to know. It is not your place to do anything about it. If it affects your work, you can raise that with management but don’t assume she has it better because you don’t know why she is doing what she is doing.

    3. This is not affecting you personally, so it is none of your business. Being “close as co-workers” does not mean you know for sure whether there is a legitimate explanation for her behavior. Maybe she’s struggling with illness. Maybe she works at night or weekends when you’re not in the office. Maybe she’s more efficient. Maybe, for reasons you cannot see as a peer, management does value her more than you. Life is not always fair. Feel free to argue for a raise, or more flexible hours, based on the value you add to the company. If you simply complain about her, however, you will look immature and unprofessional.

      1. +1 – key sentence in your post “none of this affects me personally”. Mind your own business. You have no idea what’s going on with someone else.

    4. You should follow the advice your manager would give and mind your own business. You can only hurt yourself by calling her out, anonymously or not. If you had to cover for her and your work was affected, that would be different.

      3. Thank you all. I suspected as much, that complaining would only make me look bad.

        For many reasons, I do know that she has no legitimate excuse. I also understand that it doesn’t matter whether she does or does not, so I’ll just leave it at that.

        I did try to renegotiate salary, and I was denied. I mentioned market rate, but that had no effect. This place is a revolving door of unprofessionalism; they don’t really care who stays, who leaves, whatever. It is what it is.

        Thank you, again.

        1. Sounds like you should leave. I’m sure there are other places with a higher degree of professionalism that are willing to pay you market rate. It’ll be good for your sanity.

        2. Honestly, I would still question whether you know for SURE there is no “legitimate” excuse. I was recentlydiagnosed with a serious medical issue that will be resolved in a few months, but it has meant at least 10 hours of sick leave every two weeks to get tests/followups/procedures/second opinions and whatnot. My “friends at work” do not know – heck – I haven’t even informed my siblings! – only my supervisor knows precisely what is wrong with me and why I’m out.

          Sounds like you have issues with pay and general office management, and maybe this particular co-worker is just highlighting for you why you don’t like this workplace much anyway. If that’s the case, consider looking for another job or otherwise focussing on what you can fix about your own situation. Her issues, as you note, have nothing at all to do with you.

          1. +1 – I can’t get over how many people think they know the whole story about other people. Mind boggling.

        3. I agree that “doesn’t effect me personally” equals mind your own business, but I do sympathize that it’s a bit demoralizing. I have a counterpart who is often out, does not answer emails timely, etc. and yet when I walk by her desk and see that facebook is open, I do wonder how she gets away with it.

          1. I had responded, but I’m not sure it went through…

            Look, I’d really prefer not to get into specifics, but I feel pretty confident that I do know the whole story. She told me the “story” when I caught her crying in the bathroom after being reprimanded one of the first times, and that “story” was later confirmed, unsolicited, by an authoritative source. I can enumerate a few other reasons why a medical or familial emergency is highly unlikely, but I’d prefer not to get into specifics. I wouldn’t be upset about this if I thought for one moment that her reasons might be legitimate. I don’t lack the ability to empathize.

            Thank you all. I agree that this isn’t the right work environment for me, and I should look elsewhere. I’m sure that she’s just the most prominent, convenient example of all the things I find unprofessional about this office.

            Away Game, I hope that you feel better soon.

            And, thank you, ITDS. I was beginning to think I was insane for even caring at all!

          2. If you truly love the work you’re doing and you’re getting good experience, don’t throw it away because of one co-worker, or even bad management. If you’ve already gotten the experience and skills you need to take elsewhere, then go.

            Managers change all the time; co-workers change all the time. Unless the overall management of the place is hopelessly screwed up, it’s quite possible this situation will resolve itself.

        4. Just because she hasn’t been brought to HR (that you know of) doesn’t mean that her boss isn’t keeping track of these things and that she won’t get called on them eventually – either by HR or in the form of a bad review. In fact, in places that I worked that were very unprofessional, one of the things they did was just let this kind of thing pile up and pile up, then wait for the person to screw up in a way that went too far and fire them at once, instead of going through the steps of performance improvement plans, etc.

          But stewing about how little work she does and what she gets away with is going to do nothing more than make you mad, and waste your time and energy on that. In fact, the people I worked with in the past that were obsessed with what hours other people were keeping were the ones that drove me craziest, and they seemed to spend more time keeping track of what time someone else was coming or going than doing their own work. (In one example, every time a co-worker left 15 minutes early or came back 15 minutes late from lunch, said busy-body spend at least 15 minutes in my office complaining about that person’s time habits – therefore wasting just as much of my time and hers as the person who left early, until I put my foot down and told her to stop griping to me and get some work done instead, or let me do it.)
          Also, don’t forget – if this is your first corporate job, and she’s been there for a while, she might get more done than you do in less hours. At the end of the day, her boss might care less about butt-in-the-seat time and more about what got accomplished.
          If this is really making you so mad and the company is so terrible, refocus the energy on polishing your resume and looking for a new job – this one doesn’t sound reform-able.

          1. Thank you. I hadn’t considered that possibility. And you are absolutely right that I should refocus my energy.

            Okay, it is my first day off in a while, so I am going to go enjoy it!

    5. I can understand that this would be incredibly frustrating but I am surprised that you are seriously considering tattling on this woman as an option. This is none of your business, do not go to HR (especially not anonymously – who does that?!?). Like others have said, you don’t know her life.

      Moreover, as you admit, this doesn’t impact you. You’re not her supervisor and you’re not being forced to pick up her slack. It sounds like you’re upset because she makes more money that you and seemingly works less. Your options are to a) try to renegotiate your salary, b) get a new job, or c) accept it and move on. FWIW, I suspect that your manager would tell you to mind your own business for a reason – don’t go down that road.

        1. I would not do that. My professional reputation is too important to me. For all OP knows, the slacker has a valid understanding with management or a medical issue or the firing process has already started. OP would not benefit from slacking.

          I would do well, apply to other jobs, and leave when the opportunity arose with my reputation intact.

    6. I have employees like this and it doesn’t go unnoticed. The people who complain about others just cause additional headache. The people who show up and work get more at bonus time. Also, re: negotiation, the partners were much more upset with the employees who shared their salary info with the person who asked to be made equal than they were with the employee who asked to be made equal. FWIW though they didn’t even know she made less and made her pay the same that day. Always worth asking IMO.

      1. Thank you for the advice. This is good to know.

        I think I’m going to just shut up and keep my head down. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that it’d be better for me to just find a new job, even if I do love the work I do here.

        1. Wait, you want to find a new job because a coworker is slacking (in a way that does not at all affect you or your work) and not getting fired for it? In a job you otherwise love and think you are fairly compensated for? I guess it depends on the job market, but to me that seems really extreme, unless there are other issues that you aren’t mentioning. I think you have to step back a bit and not take it personally. For the company, it might be worth more to keep an employee who can get the job done, even if she slacks on some levels, than to hire and train someone new. And that could be to your benefit if you ever are going through a difficult time when you are not at the top of your game.

          Sure, it’s annoying in principle, but why does it matter? Or are you otherwise really bugged by this girl anyway and this is just part of it? I think anyplace you work, there will be some people who work harder than others, and some people who get away with more, that is just how the world works. If you personally think you are being treated unfairly that would be an issue to bring up, or if you ask to take a day off and they refuse it, but otherwise that’s just life.

        2. I could be your co-worker – and it’s because of some really debilitating depression, not something that I would tell anyone at work about. I am sure that others look at me with the same annoyance that you look at your co-worker (I get paid very well, and am not in the office as much as others), but here’s the thing (with me at least) – I may look like I am slacking but I do get my work done. The depression however means it is really hard for me to sit around and invent work when I don’t have a deadline breathing down my back. I’m in therapy for it FWIW.

  10. I have an informational interview today so I am wearing a suit. I don’t normally wear suits, and I feel like a total fraud. Not to mention, I’m convinced I look ridiculous even though I’m sure I look normal… Does anyone else ever feel this way?

    1. I feel that way! No probs with imposter syndrome generally, but when I put on a suit all bets are off. I feel like I’m playing dress-up.

    2. I work in a suit-required office but I still feel this way when wearing a non-suit blazer, especially when I’m at the client s!te

    3. That’s how I feel when I wear fake eyelashes or leather pants but they both always look good in pictures. I am sure you look great! Fake it until you make it.

    4. Yes. Sometimes I pretend I’m Business Barbie, with a suit and a briefcase!

  11. Can I get some sympathy? My two year old got the boot from daycare this afternoon because she has a fever. The sick kids daycare is full tomorrow and my husband is out of town, so I have to stay home with her tomorrow. If she’s really sick tomorrow I won’t be able to leave the house with her to take the baby t0 daycare. So I have a sick toddler and an infant to deal with alone, with a major work deadline tomorrow afternoon. I might be able to get a sick kids’ babysitter in for a few hours, but it’s not guaranteed.

    So I’m going to pull an all-nighter tonight (it’s late evening in Asia now) to get my work stuff done, then enjoy a bleary-eyed day of cartoons with a feverish toddler and a fussy baby tomorrow. Leaning in! So much fun!

    1. I am sorry….

      Is there any way you can ask a relative/ family to help you out for a while so you can drop the baby off? I am in Asia too…good luck with the ” night out” as we used to call it in b school….

    2. Aw, man, that stinks. I would contact all the babysitters (and even other parents) that you could think of to see if you could get some coverage. Good luck!

      1. Thanks for the sympathy!

        It will work out somehow. I don’t have family here to help and it’s probably too late at night to get someone to cover morning drop-off, but maybe I’ll try to wrangle a sitter to cover for a few hours while I take a nap to recover from my “night out” (Love this!)

        1. Hang in there. Hopefully the sickie will be well enough to ride along on daycare drop-off for the baby. Fevers are usually lower in the morning, right?

    3. Are you me? I’m just waiting for daycare to call and tell my that my baby is running a fever. He wasn’t this morning, but I could tell he wasn’t feeling well. Husband is also out of town all week and I have major work deadlines. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Book a massage for this weekend!

      Just repeat my favorite quote from The Devil Wears Prada: “I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.”

    4. Aw, that stinks!

      Good luck with the project! Hopefully you can get in a lot of cuddle time once your work is done!

    5. Reporting back (morning here) to say Mission Accomplished! I worked all night, got it done, and emailed off the document ten minutes before my two year old woke up. She’s feverish but recovering, baby is giggly and oblivious, and I am loopy but relieved. Go me.

      I also discovered an awesome sick kid babysitting service. You join up, pay a monthly fee of around $80 per kid, and that covers one day per month of sick kid babysitting by a certified sitter, availability guaranteed if you call by 8am. Signing up today. Fingers crossed no more of these “nights out”

  12. Sorry you’re facing a potential work-life clusterfudge as well. Fingers crossed your little guy stays healthy.

    I really do love my job! Just wish I had time to actually do it, ya know?

  13. Regular reader/poster disguising myself for this to avoid outing myself…looking for some wisdom from the hive.

    Long story short, I recently started seeing a guy that I met a few years ago. Things are going great so far – he’s smart, attractive, fun, and treats me like gold. He is extremely focused on success and self-improvement, and he’s into some things that many people would consider “new agey”. Some examples are positive affirmations, controlling one’s mind, and laws of nature. This doesn’t bother me at all. I actually really like that he’s like this (for the most part, minus things like the examples below). I tend to believe in those kinds of things as well, and his knowledge about and fascination with them make for great conversation.

    The problem? He thinks EXTREMELY highly of himself. He often says things like “I’m awesome” and “I’m a genius”. At first I thought he was kidding, but he’s not. (I’ve asked him if he’s kidding after he’s said these things on multiple occasions.) I’ve brought it up a few times, and he says that saying these are part of thinking positively about himself/believing in himself.

    I have a few thoughts about how I feel about this and why he does it, but I wanted to see what you all have to say about it first. Does anyone have experience with someone like this in their life, romantically or otherwise? At this point, I’m not sure whether the issue is him or me (ie: am I being over critical/judgmental? I tend to be pretty humble, so saying the stuff he says is very weird to me).

    1. I would have an issue with this. I could foresee that causing problems in arguments (“I am a genius so of course I am right”).

    2. Never dealt with anyone like this personally, but he sounds like kind of a tool. And probably the type of person who would raise children to think they are special snowflake geniuses who can do no wrong, all under the guise of “positive affirmations” and “believing in yourself.”

      1. +1. Speaking of raising children this way, my entire husband’s family is like that, and the result is that none of the children who were brought up this way have anything it really takes to be on their own and care for themselves in life. They’re very entitled and perennially unemployed because they want only certain kinds of jobs and aren’t willing to apply for jobs they might actually get (they’re too good for that)

        I’m like OP in that I think a sense of humility is beneficial. I’d be really concerned about raising kids with these kind of beliefs. The other thing I think is weird is that I do plenty of that kind of positive thought for my own self improvement. I’d never say it out loud to people though, and it’s weird that he does.

        Also, it sounds like he’s compensating for something, and that seems unhealthy to me.

        1. +1. My SO’s sibling is a “special snowflake” – 30 with two very good degrees, lives at home, no steady employment, doesn’t want a “boring” job working for “the man”, and has trouble dating because “women are so intimidated by me when I tell them about myself”.

          Um, yeah. It’s super irritating.

      2. +1. I would be rolling my eyes so far back in my head at him. It seems like something that would get annoying REALLY fast.

    3. I think the question is really do you value humility? Does he value it in you? Do you want to pass that value along to your kids? What would happen if he broke his leg/got fired/had a kid who was more of a middle of the road muddling through type?

      Is he just really incredibly annoying?

      I don’t think you should be asking yourself whether you are being overly critical or judgmental. You’re being yourself, full stop. Trying to decide if he belongs in your life. It fundamentally doesn’t matter if either point of view is objectively correct, it matters whether it works for you. Personally, I’d be laughing in his face all the time, so the relationship probably wouldn’t work out.

      1. I had to move out after 2 months because I discovered my roommate was like this (30+, thought he was smart, cute, a catch, and wondering why he was single…) which wasn’t apparent the first 2 weeks of the program through which we both moved to a new city and needed a place.

    4. “Whenever I start to feel sick, I just stop and feel awesome instead.” – Barney Stinson

      2. Seriously though is he just saying he is awesome or does he truly believe he’s better than everyone?

        I dated a guy who would cook amazing dinners and then comment the entire time about how the potatoes were too dry and the chicken could have been marinated longer. Meanwhile I am inhaling the whole thing and thinking how good it is.

        I’d rather date someone who makes a frozen pizza and burns it and then says “I’m awesome at cooking.”

    5. When I’ve experienced people like this I have moved on. I value humility / appreciate self-deprecating humor so these types of “I’m the greatest” in person or on social media really turn me off.

    6. I like a positive attitude and a negative jerk is definitely a deal breaker for me. I dated a guy who would say he is the best “his job” in the state, etc. but he couldn’t get a job for 7 months. It was more annoying that he was confident he was the best but yet no one would hire him than it was that he was confident. That being said, he ended up being pretty narcissistic and dated someone else at the same time because he thought he was so great. Even though we were exclusive and he lived with me and I supported him for those 7 months. Not saying it’s the same thing but is it the outcome (yeah buddy you AREN’T awesome at all) or hearing phrase and generally haughty attitude that bothers you?

      Is this a deal breaker? Is this going to change? 2 questions you should ask yourself about things that bother you. Most things won’t change. Re-evaluate and decide if you can let this go because what drives you crazy now, will drive you crazy later if you cannot let it go. Forever is a long time and if marriage is your goal…there’s a million other guys out there. A few great qualities cannot trump something that is a deal breaker no matter how good they are.

      Kinda reminds me of the dad from Little Miss Sunshine…

    7. If it is a confidence-boosting mechanism, I would not have a problem with it, even if it is a little weird. My husband and I jokingly say things like that to each other to fish for compliments with something like, “I’m awesome because I did X” or to respond to a compliment with something like, “yeah, I’m pretty awesome”.

      But if he’s thinks of these things as a zero-sum game, I would have a problem with it. Would he think that because he’s awesome and a genius that you can’t be and you would lose every argument? Does he think that he’s better than his coworkers and his bosses? Does he look down on your friends as being less enlightened? Does he think he’s right in everything (how to eat, what to wear, what politics you should have)? What would happen if you developed a mental illness like depression and couldn’t control your mind or use positive affirmations to get yourself out of it? Those would be the questions I’d try to figure out before deciding if this was a dealbreaker.

      1. These are good questions. I’d also add : what is the extent of his self-knowledge and his ability to undertake a spot of self-examination when something goes wrong? Can he say ‘well normally I’m a genius but this time I really f***** up and I need to do XYZ next time’ ?

      2. +1. For me the key difference would be whether he thinks he’s awesome because he recognizes that *everyone* is awesome in their own way and the vast majority of us could work a little harder at loving ourselves a little more, or whether he think he’s *more* awesome than anyone else. I say this as someone who believes strongly in the former and didn’t realize how it could sometimes come across until a guy (I was very interested in) told me on a date that he was incredibly weary of people who self-proclaim their awesomeness (oops).

        One easy way to tell: does he think you’re awesome, too? Tell you should have more confidence in yourself? Consistently find the positive in other people? Someone brought up Barney Stinson. He is occasionally a tool (see, e.g. his treatment of women), but (1) for the most part he doesn’t genuinely believe he’s better than other people, he just recognizes that self-affirmation is a way to make him feel better/less empty about the things that have hurt him in life, and (2) he constantly tries to help his friends believe that they’re awesome too.

        2. +1, but I don’t get why you have to proclaim it to people you don’t know very well. It seems out of place when the person doesn’t have context.

    8. I don’t understand.. are you saying that he says this stuff because he is arrogant (and it’s a deal breaker) or he says this stuff because it’s the “new agey” positive reinforcement, self-help? Because if it is the latter, then it might just be odd but not a deal-breaker.. sort of like faking it til you make it.

    9. The former Mr. Senior Attorney used to say things like that. Turns out he was a flaming narcissist with no capacity for empathy.

      YMMV, of course.

      2. Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. I recently broke up with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder to the extreme. At the risk of Ellen-caps, IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

    10. I struggled for a while because my guy also thinks highly of himself (although he wouldn’t express it in the manner you’ve described). After 10 years with him, I have seen that he is just as generous in his view of others. He greets me by saying: “Hello, beautiful!” It’s his worldview and it is a delight to be with someone whose default setting is positive, because I am not. I do think it has to do with one’s family of origin. His parents doted on him and told him every day how smart he was and my parents would have said that saying anything positive about yourself was bragging and bad manners. So, I would ask, is your date quick to see others’ awesomeness?

      1. Great point. Does he see others as equally as awesome, or is it all about him?

    11. Does he tell you that you’re awesome too? Generally the big problem with narcissists is the lack of empthy – they’re too wrapped up in themselves to care much about anyone else. But you’ve said he treats you like gold, so it sounds like this might not be the issue. If he listens to you, makes you feel valued and respected, and tells you that you’re just as awesome (or more) as he is, then I’m not sure there’s a major, run-for-the-hills issue here.

      So assuming all those things, this may be one of those personality flaws that just gets on your nerves. There will always be things about your SO that will bug you; the question is whether you can put up with their flaws because on a whole the person is a great fit for you. If you find yourself looking at this guy with contempt because his attitude really rubs you the wrong way, though, then I don’t see how the relationship can flourish.

    12. Well now I’m going anon because I guess I’m going to go against the hive here! I am in MENSA, so I technically I am a genius. Am I the smartest person alive? Ha! Absolutely not. I also think I’m awesome. But I also think that no one is going to toot your horn for you, so why would you expect anyone to think so if even you don’t think you are great? (As for special snowflakeness, I also am gainfully employed and always have been, have no debt, etc. — we are not all adult children!) Do I think I am always right? Absolutely not. In fact, I think most arguments in relationships stem from someone trying to prove they are right when in fact that’s almost never the crux of it — rather one person is trying to get the other person to understand that whatever they did (justified or not) hurt them.

      I don’t think I brag about myself, but some of you may disagree. (Although I differentiate thinking I’m a good person of value with bragging/boasting which is over-the-top and a form of putting others down.) I suppose I have a similar philosophy to your boyfriend– talking about the positive only encourages more positive. In the same way I hate when a friend stars bodyshaming herself because I think it only leads to everyone else thinking negatively about something as ridiculous as appearance, I think that spotlighting positivity can lead to others to do the same and encourage a happier life.

      I don’t have a problem with what he said because of the context in which he said it — dating. Dating is all about showing the best side of yourself to someone else. He likely thinks that confidence in a woman is an attractive feature and hopes you agree, too, so he is trying to show that he is confident in himself. You did NOT say that he says that in the context of an argument. I agree that it would be a problem — “Well what do you know? I have a PhD!” (EYEROLL!)

      Also worth considering- perhaps his dating past has made him feel down about himself and he thinks you may be “too awesome” for him so he is trying to remind himself to be confident in himself so that he is on par with you.

      1. Showing the best side is how you date on the Bachelor. Otherwise, when the goal is to make a connection, making yourself vulnerable is crucial

    13. Yes, I have experience with this. I think this points to an inability to look at himself realistically and seek help where needed. It can blow up in your faces if it stops him from facing problems appropriately.

    14. I don’t comment often, but I had to chime in on this one… because I often find myself “tooting my own horn,” so to speak, in a similar fashion. A few examples:
      1) I just finished a PhD and am currently job searching. I missed out on a job I was well qualified for, primarily because someone else had significantly more experience than I do. In talking with a friend, I said something along the lines of “Hopefully sometime soon, someone will realize how awesome I am and give me a job!” She replied, “True story! You are awesome and something will certainly come up!” As narcissistic as it may sound, I *am* awesome at what I do- I’m smart, I’m a hard worker, I work well with others, and I get things done. As evidenced by the recent job rejection, I’m not more awesome than someone with 15+ years of experience, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I was the runner-up for the job. I figure “I’m awesome” is much better than “I suck at life and might as well quit now.” As someone who has battled with serious depression in the past, it’s a good reminder that a setback does not necessarily equal a failure.
      2) Recently, the SO and I were trying to work out a solution to a tricky situation– I came up with an idea that fixed it. SO’s response was, “Thanks babe- great idea!” and my response was, “Thanks, I’m such a genius! Haha!” It was a smart solution and I came up with it. Do I think I am technically a genius (IQ wise) or I’m smarter than my SO? Certainly not! It’s just a casual comment said with a laugh to acknowledge that I had a good idea.

      I would NEVER say to my SO or anyone else, “I’m a genius so you’re wrong,” or “I’m so awesome, you’re lucky to be with me,” or “I’m too awesome to take any job that pays less than a hundred grand a year.” Those would all be red flags for me. But in my world, “awesome” and “genius” don’t truly mean awe-inspiring or stratospheric IQ anymore… my generation has been butchering words & their meanings for a long time. Are you wrong to be bothered by this? No. You two may just have different ways of expressing self-confidence. Or it could be a red flag. Only you can figure that out in your situation.

      TL;DR: describing oneself as “awesome” and “genius” may be a bit odd, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that person’s a lazy a-hole who will cheat on you. Many of us are just trying to get by, and a little self-promotion sometimes helps. Good luck!

    15. May be he has some sort of inferiority complex or some self esteem issues and he is trying to overcome them by practicing these self affirmations? May be he truly thinks that he is genius and awesome. In any case, I would be feel very uncomfortable if someone says he is genius or awesome. Have you been in relationship with a person or worked with a person who thinks he is a genius? I have and it is terrible.

      I was in short term relationship with a person who was a good friend for two years. He used to take lot of pride in his money management skills. As he was awesome with money, he made it clear within 3 months of dating that if we decide to eventually marry, then I have to put all my earnings in a joint account with him and he will manage it. He started making comments on how I spend my money and how I waste my money (this is for buying a chocolate muffin and hot chocolate every Saturday morning in my favorite coffee shop with my own hard earned money). He expected me to implement all his suggestions and he would be very upset if I don’t do that . He started calling me an inconsiderate person who doesn’t care for anybody. He couldn’t digest the fact that I bought a brand new car(with my own money) when he insisted that I should buy a used car. He felt so inferior when my investments ( admittedly small, done by me without his input) fetched more money than his investments. I never expected that some one whom I knew for two years to behave in this way. It was so traumatic for me and the relationship couldn’t get past the four month mark and I lost a good friend as I couldn’t continue to be friends with him.

      1. I’ll sign on and second the idea that maybe there are some self-esteem or emotional issues at play here. If he’s really into self-affirmations, it may have become a coping mechanism for dealing with actually feeling terrible about himself.

        After loosing a job, my hubby went through a period like this – he was so desperate to be perceived as good at something and worth while and it came across as uber-arrogant. It took some counseling to resolve, but he’s back to his congenial self now.

    16. He is a narcissicist and in love with himself. I was with a narcissicist once and not only was it obnoxious and I was embarrassed for him, but I began to realize that the delusions of grandeur belied some deep insecurities. A confident, smart, and truly awesome person doesn’t have to keep reminding themselves (and the people around them) that they are awesome and smart. Get out before you lose your “gut-feeling” on things.

  14. So at the tender age of 32, I have all of a sudden developed a very itchy scalp! I haven’t changed shampoo or laundry or anything. I sometimes get eczema on my hands but this is new to me. Does anyone use anything for this like a shampoo or scalp treatment? It’s not so much flaky as just itchy and the aisle at the grocery was pretty overwhelming. Scalpacin helps for about an hour but doesn’t seem to help long term. Help I feel like it looks like I have lice!

    1. I had a major shift in scalp PH (or something) around that age. I switched to Aveda Scalp Benefits shampoo and conditioner and it majorly helped.

    2. Dang it, my comment didn’t post! Something similar to this happened to me when I got pregnant – I got tiny hives all over my face, neck and scalp that itched like crazy. I read online that it happened due to the additional stress on my body. Are you stressed out? I bought all natural shampoo, conditioner and body wash from Sprouts (similar to Whole Foods) called Sprouts Original and the hives and itching went away within 4 days. What kind of products are you using?

      1. Aveda Be Curly shampoo conditioner and products but I have used them over 10 years now. Other than that nothing, and no changes. There aren’t bumps (Because I look for bumps while I scratch my head at night in the privacy of my own home!) and I am not more stressed than usual or anything. The hand eczema they say is caused by stress too but I found cutting down on sugar helped more than anything else.

    3. Try shampoos with coal tar in them, like Neutrogena T-Gel. It’s a game changer.

      Also, when you’re at home, rub some coconut oil into your scalp, wrap a bandana around your head and chill out for as long as you can bear it. Comb through your hair (but make sure it really gets into the scalp!) and wash out. Great deep conditioner and it helps with the itchies.

  15. Thanks for all the great Seattle suggestions yesterday! Now I have to go back to Seattle to eat Happy Hour Oysters…

      1. Theo Chocolate factory and Dumpling Tzar, then some friends appeared out of the woodwork and we had dinner at Six Points on Pike. I realllly wanted to do the oysters, but my friend’s SO is allergic.

  16. Recently bought this faux-leather mini skirt (it’s about 3 inches above my knee)- link to follow- love it and intend on keeping it, but can’t figure out what shoes and tops to wear with it.

    So, suggestions for shoes both for
    a) going out
    b) casual- specifically thinking about taking this skirt on a trip to Europe next month- the casual shoes I plan on taking are toms and keds, which I can’t really picture working with the skirt. thoughts?

    FWIW, I’m late 20s and go for a more feminine vibe- hate menswear inspired shoes, for example.

    2. I don’t think a faux leather miniskirt works for casual daytime at all. For big nights out, whatever heels your heart desires, and for more low key evenings booties.

      1. Depending where you are in Europe I could see this for a casual late-afternoon type of look with a casual loose tee and flats. Style is definitely more edgey in Europe. I love to experiment with clothes while I’m there.

        1. Prague/Vienna. I like the casual t-shirt idea, and I’ll bring along a pair of flats, they shouldn’t take up much more room.

          1. I think it will look cute!

            Flats recommendation- I wore Tieks on a recent trip and they held up well- pricey but worth it. They go with everything.

    4. I like the way they styled it in the last picture with the high boots. Depending on when next month you’re going, I could see it being cute with some textured tights and flat boots.

      1. see, that’s the thing, I’m going early in the month so I think the weather will be in that in-between stage where I won’t want to wear tights or tall boots (plus tall boots take up so much room, and since it’ll still be warm here in the US I don’t want to wear tall boots on the plane).

        1. This may be too late, but I have a black leather flared skirt and wear it with ballet flats for day. I think it looks good.

    5. I see this skirt working with slip on Vans, but those seem against your aesthetic.

  17. Are wrap dresses considered business casual? Like are they the kind of thing you’d never wear in a “business professional” environment?

    1. I think it depends on the dress itself (print, depth of neckline, weight of fabric), and how you accessorize. My office is business formal (not suits every day but one step down), so I only wear my wrap dresses on quieter/more casual days when there’s less people in the office and no clients visiting.

        1. Not necessarily. I tend to think a large, bold graphic print is sliiightly less formal than a small scale print or a large one that is more subtle/abstract, but in all honestly it’s a matter of personal taste than anything else.

    2. I see people wear them but as with everything it depends on the office, depends on the wrap dress. You can dress them up with heels and a blazer or down with flats and a cardigan. One of our staff wore only wrap dresses because she was always hot and her weight fluctuated so much she didn’t want to spend money on dressy pants she’d have to clean and rotate several times a year. I stole SO many good ideas from how she matched stuff with them year round.

    3. Business professional means suit, or matching suit jacket and suiting dress. I think wrap dresses are strictly business casual.

      1. +1. HOWEVER, there is the stated dress code and then there is the actual dress code. Some workplaces exist in a weird nether region between business formal and business casual, and sometimes in those places, dresses are more dressy than skirt/blouse and a wrap dress with fancy heels and necklace is OK.

        I personally prefer to stay on the business end of my work dress code, and I only wear structured suit-ish dresses these days. (When I was pregnant and postpartum, those rules were relaxed!)

    4. I think they’re fine for business professional if styled right. That actually goes for most things. It’s more about how you put the whole look together than any individual article of clothing.

  18. I’m reposting something from the weekend that got some – thank you! – but not many responses. I realize that despite my best efforts it probably read a little rant-y. Really what I’m trying to do is get better at negotiating or knowing how to handle situations, and in this case my question is whether I’d be better off allowing the other party to suggest the outcome I want (free week rent) or stating it clearly up front myself. Or, as Senior Attorney suggested, none of the above – a personal conversation might be better. But I’d still be curious about how others would go into that conversation.

    thanks in advance…

    Hoping to get some advice – not legal, just general – from the hive. I want to try to keep this as generic as possible both to avoid identifying myself and because the situation is SO wacky that when i try to talk about it people get hung up on the background.

    I’ve been renting an apartment that, let’s say, has not worked out. I tried asking the management company to help and they ignored me for a while and then agreed to make some changes, on their dime. It took so long for that to play out – 3 months- that I was at my wit’s end by the time they implemented the changes. I wound up in a conversation with the property manager, demanding some sort of compensation for all the suffering I’d had for several months. She said she’d be willing to consider refunding me half a month’s rent, but wanted to see if the changes worked. The changes did not work and in subsequent conversations with her assistant, whom I’d dealt with all along, I was told they’d be willing to let me out of the lease whenever I wanted. No-one ever mentioned the refund again. I wanted to keep my options open and figure out what I was going to do.

    Now I’m ready to move on. I’m almost certainly going to be moving on September 6; I pay rent every first of the month. I see no reason why I should pay that one week worth of rent after so much nonsense. I’d like to write a note to the assistant property manager and say that I’m ready to move on and I assume my last payment, August 1, will suffice. I think that’s the best way to handle it, rather than not addressing payment and having her say something. But maybe I’m wrong, and I’d love to hear thoughts about how best to approach it.

    I should say that my dealings with the management office have been collegial; I believe they tried to help me although I also think they’re flat out lying when they tell me no-one has ever had the problems I describe. They do not have a security deposit from me. While I assume I’m in the right here, I also think that if they’re going to kick and scream and demand I pay one week, I guess I would because I don’t want to fight. But really… it has been a tough place to live.

    Thanks in advance. I will re-post tomorrow if not many people are chatting over the weekend.

    1. What were the problems? Noisy neighbors? No hot water?

      Also: what does your lease say (even if you are month-to-month).

      Finally, if you are in NYC/some places in Cali / DC, the LL-tenant rules are very different than elsewhere (especially NYC).

      1. The problems come down to noise, but I’d really rather not get into the specifics. And I’m not sure “rules” apply since they’ve told me I can leave any time.

        1. The rules would be the landlord/tenant laws of your state and your written lease.

    2. Landlord here. First of all your location matters a great deal as mentioned; rules vary widely by state.

      It’s hard to know from your comments exactly what went wrong and what was done or not done to fix it. Doesn’t really matter but this is a fairly cryptic post and “it’s a tough place to live” can mean many things.

      I sympathize with what sounds like has been a difficult few months. That being said, without agreement from management, you’re are not “in the right” to just assume you shouldn’t have to pay the last week of rent.

      Now, THAT being said, what can they do? The answer is very little. Even where I am, where laws are fairly pr0-landlord, if a tenant stiffed me a week of rent, there would not be a darn thing I could do about it. It would be a waste of my time and money to take them to court and I would be better off just trying to re-rent as quickly as possible. And yes I have been in this situation.

      1. I agree that they probably WONT actually come after you for the money for 1 week. However, if you have an actual lease that says you have a required notice period, they could technically come after you for the remainder of the lease, or at least the amount in the notice period.
        Given that its August 12 and you are saying you are “probably” going to be moving out September 6th, you are in a less than 30 day notice period. If you were my tenant, I would tell you I expected you to pay all of September rent, and I would be really mad, since I live in an area where renting by the academic year is common, and most people want leases started September 1 – so by not moving out before then you are putting me in a bad spot to find a new tenant. If you live in an area or plan to move to an area where it is common to require landlord references to get a new lease, I would not leave without notice.

        HOWEVER, if you do just disappear with all your stuff September 6, chances are the hassle of trying to sue you for the month’s rent probably just isn’t worth it to this property manager/company. It wouldn’t be for us. But that’s the risk you’re taking.

    3. Okay, thanks all. I guess I’m making things difficult/annoying by not spelling out the problem. But what I’m understanding is there are “rules” spelled out in the lease agreement, which I believe I’m not governed by since I was told I could move out any time, as a concession given the conditions I have had to live with. I guess what I’m hearing is that given that the management co. is making concessions, I should be as collaborative as possible in dealing with them.

      I was trying to understand more of how to formulate a negotiating strategy to try to get even more than this concession. I’m probably conflating too many issues here, but I am at a loss in understanding negotiating… and that has implications beyond one stupid week’s worth of rent. Like salary, another hurdle I’ll have to face soon.

      Anyway, thanks.

      1. You said you didn’t want legal advice, but I’m not sure why that’s the case because this is a legal issue. As someone who practice real estate law, and not having all of the facts, I would say that in general, you are required to pay rent for all of the time you are in the apartment, regardless of what you have been through, with the sole exception that if the conditions you have had to live with were so bad that you had to move out of there (like rat infestation, to use a gross example), or you couldn’t use all of the space (like one of the rooms was uninhabitable), then you are entitled to rent abatement for the time you vacated the space because the landlord’s conduct amounted to “constructive eviction.” If you did not physically move out of there, I don’t know of any other basis for you to argue that you “deserve” one week of free rent. Sure, the landlord may not go after you, but they could sue you in small claims court and/or your future landlord may want to contact this landlord as a reference.

      2. No, not annoying. Really the problem is not necessarily relevant. Whatever it is, it has resulted in discussions about your possibly being owed rent concessions. The problem with verbal concessions is that you (and the property owner) are legally bound by what is in the lease.

        Again I do sympathize; there are bad landlords out there, which gives a bad name to those of us trying to do right by people. Whatever the problem was, if it was a breach of your lease, that is wrong on their part – but it’s not for you to self-correct; unfortunately on both sides, dealing with breaches is a matter for the courts. (Which is why I’ve had to go weeks without rent while waiting for someone to be evicted – this has happened more than once).

  19. **Reposting from last night but just want to add that the idea of divorce kills me. I think of how happy he was on our wedding day – we have eight years of inside jokes and memories, shared secrets that others wouldn’t even begin to understand. Plus I hate to think of the impact on my parents (who would support me but i know it would hurt them too). Here’s the re-post:

    Late night TJ – really hoping for some help here. Married 8 years (we are ages 34 and 32) and dh has basically no sex drive anymore – though I guess it was never that high to begin with. I get lucky about four times/year which includes me initiating it 2 of those 4 times. He knows I think this is a problem, usually when I try to initiate he turns me down, we’ve talked openly and multiple times about this. He at times has said it’s because I’m a difficult wife – so I used to believe it was all my fault! The problem is he takes really good care of me otherwise (as all spouses should take good care of each other). He’s a nice guy! Everyone loves him! Staying together feels like the right thing to do the way that eating a healthy breakfast in the morning or drinking three glasses of milk is something you just do bc you know you should and it’s good for you. He’s just not sexually attracted to me (?) or has no sex drive (?). He does love me and he does think I’m attractive. (Not to be obnoxious and fwiw I am a pretty girl and not overweight or underweight) I don’t know what to do. No kids yet in part bc I know sex will be even more infrequent after kids and not sure i could take that! I know sex decreases and passion fizzles a little as time passes. Is this what married life is then? I am so depressed! And friends – I know it is not a hygiene issue or a ksa issue – after so many years I have turned every stone trying to find a reason and the fact is he just does not want to have sex with me (that much ?). Now the question is if I’m overreacting. Would love any thoughts.

    1. Have you (both) tried counseling and ruling out anything medically? If he’s not open to joint counseling, I’d go myself at this point.

    2. Of course you aren’t overreacting. My thought is tell him this is a huge problem for you and your marriage and you want to get help. Marriage counseling or sex therapy. And see what he says. And if he won’t do anything about it get a divorce. You’re already saying you are only in this because of inertia. Life is too short to waste it on someone who refuses to try to give you what you need.

    3. You’re not overreacting. Yes, things often cool down in a LTR but you are perfectly reasonable to want your needs met more frequently. 4/year is fine if you both are OK with 4/year, but if you realistically need at least 4/month or 4/week, this is a big problem. You say you’ve talked and talked, but what does he say when you talk? Does he acknowledge the problem? What does it mean to him that you’re a ‘difficult wife’? To me, that sounds like total deflecting BS but what is he trying to say when he says that? FWIW, s8x has nothing to do with being difficult or not. Some of the best s*x is had in some of the worst relationships.

      I’d say that you should really consider couples therapy to start. If things don’t improve, I think your options are try to live with it, leave him, or tell him that you have needs and if he’s not able to meet them, you will need to discreetly meet them elsewhere. Not perfect solutions, but one of them may work for you.

    4. You’re not overreacting. If you’re interested in doing some reading about sex in marriage, and particularly the dilemma posed by differing sex drives, you might want to check out the work of Dr. David Schnarch, including “Passionate Marriage” and “Intimacy and Desire.” If your husband is willing to work on the issue, those books have lots of couples exercises designed to resurrect your sexual relationship.

      If he’s not willing to work on it, I’d totally walk.

      ETA: Just re-read your post and saw the part where he’s saying you’re “difficult” and apparently using withholding sex as a weapon or punishment for some unspecified sins. I’d walk now.

    5. The first question for me would be: ‘what if this never changes’. You say you’ve talked about it, but nothing seems to have changed. If you think about the rest of your married life and proceed on the assumption that you basically never have sex, how does that make you feel. Would you still want to be with him? Would you cheat? Would it damage your marriage in other ways?

      A friend of mine recently got divorced after a long relationship, but short marriage, for similar reasons and she ultimately decided it was a big enough deal (though there were other issues as well) and they were just very very far apart on this. You are definitely not overreacting.

      Putting aside the ‘he doesn’t fancy me’ issues for a moment, assuming this is just a compatibility issue in terms of your respective s** drives, you should ask yourself how much this matters to you within your marriage. Is this a deal breaker if this is as good as it gets? However, it concerns me that he’s trying to put this onto you as being a ‘difficult’ wife, rather than acknowledging that this is a mutual problem and this might be an indication of a whole other kind of issue!

    6. It’s true that the romance or passion fizzles out after sometime, saying this based on experience. That said I think the love tends to deepen. However, I do think the problem you have warrants further looking into. I know your DH is young but I wonder could erectile dysfunction be an issue? I say this only because I recently say a TV interview where a doctor explained to an older woman that that could be the reason he does not want to initiate. That when men have this problem they tend to withdraw from the wives and then it frustrates the woman because “a woman likes to feel desired” his words exactly. Obviously ED is related to age and certain medical conditions but with younger guys stress could be the issue, ie whatever is on his mind is so preoccupying or creates such anxiety he “can’t quite get there”, for lack of better words. Although that would mean that if stress was the problem, the stressor is something that has been in his life for a long time. Another possibility could just be he’s not attracted to you anymore. It does happen. Again, figure out why and see if it can be fixed. Also consider holding off on kids until you know what’s going on. You are frustrated now but you love the other things about him. But in a few years what if those things are not enough to make up for what you are missing? Would you still stay in the marriage? If you decided to leave, you would have to consider the impact on them too.

    7. This used to be the biggest problem in my marriage. The recurring fight. My husband felt badgered and I felt rejected. It was a HUGE HUGE deal that I didn’t think could ever be resolved. He would not go to counseling. Finally, one night we decided on a compromise: we would do it once a week, he would pick the day, and I would leave him alone about it otherwise. We both kept our word. That was 3 or 4 years ago, and the health of our relationship has improved dramatically. We no longer fight about it, and I never think about it. Over time we’ve rebuilt the trust that had broken down between us over it, and have sort of “relaxed” the rules. Either of us are comfortable initiating at this point (even more than once a week!), and both of us are comfortable saying or hearing no without any kind of emotional breakdown. It’s a lot healthier of a situation. I don’t feel desperate and crazy and he doesn’t feel trapped and irritated.

      I’d recommend sitting him down one last time and just coming out and saying exactly what you want in very specific, unemotional, and unambiguous language. What is your bare minimum compromise? If he won’t give that to you, get out, especially if you are the one who is 34 and you do want to have children. In order to do that though, you’re going to have to figure out what you want.

    9. Are you absolutely sure he is not getting his needs met elsewhere? I ask with love, as a person who has been in that situation and wondering some of the same things you are wondering now. Also, you may have already ruled this out, but any chance it’s some kind of medication side-effect?

    10. I hope you’re still reading, because I didn’t see this mentioned – besides all the advice above, he should also see a doctor. He could have some kind of hormone imbalance or other medical reason that would cause a low sex drive. Have that checked for sure.

      1. My first thought was that he could have low testosterone. It’d be worth getting checked (though I’m told it could negatively affect fertility for him to get on a T supplement)

      2. Just wanted to thank everyone who responded – definitely felt the love and support out there from people who I’ve never even met! Definitely have a lot of thinking to do – do I stay or go or something in between? And what does it mean for starting a family? (Agree that having kids when contemplating divorce is not too smart.) I’m not a regular poster but posted last night and today. It is out 8 yr anniv today so maybe my subconscious was trying to say something. A sweet update is that he got me a present for our anniversary – a six week session of pottert classes at our local studio- something I’ve wanted to try for years. So, again, a lot to think about. And again, a big thanks to my homegirls for all the advice and understanding!

        1. So I’m saying this as food for thought, not to be rude or critical, but re: kids – how, exactly, do you plan to conceive if he’ll only do the deed 4x a year?

          1. If not rude or critical it’s certainly insensitive. I’m sure she’s made the connection between needing to have sex in order to have kids but. her question is about sexual fulfillment in a marriage, not his unwillingness to procreate

  20. Since the short-lived LE wrap dress excitement yesterday, I’ve been thinking about alternatives, and as Belle has recommended the Gemma wrap dress from BR, I’m considering that. But I have not bought anything from BR in the past year. Are there still massive quality issues there? Have things gotten better? Anyone care to comment specifically on the Gemma wrap dress? Thank you!

    1. I like my Gemma dress. I find the material to be thicker than other wrap dresses at that price point, which I like.

    3. I’ve been happy with my Gemma. Agree the fabric is nice and thick, and it stays wrapped unless you’re in some serious winds. Also it’s the one wrap I haven’t had to wear a cami with — it crosses at just the right height (on me at least).

    4. I love the Gemma and preach about it often. I have it in a black and ivory stripe, a shades of blue chevron, solid green, and solid red. With no exceptions, I have never gotten so many compliments on any item in my closet as I have when I wear any one of those dresses (actually, to be fair, I haven’t gotten many on the blue, but a TON on the black and ivory and the green.) I cannot recommend them highly enough. I’ve washed and dried mine (accidentally!) and they still look brand new.

    5. Thanks for asking!

      I have a BR wrap dress from ~2005 that’s held up well. I still wear it, which says something. It’s not a Gemma (neckline is different, and I’m pretty sure it’s 100% cotton), but it’s been so great I’ll give this one a try. I haven’t shopped at BR since… probably 2005! so I didn’t know it existed.

      Seriously, LE. Get with the picture. With all the dress options they have, it’s so odd that they don’t have a true wrap.

    6. I have the Gemma dress from two years ago, and I have been really disappointed with the quality. It may be that I haven’t taken care of it properly, but I think it’s fair to low quality in terms of BR. That being said, if you can get it at the right price, it’s a cute dress, fits nicely and is very comfortable.

  21. I have a question regarding “networking” at one’s job. I have 2 colleagues (in diff. departments than my own) who used to work at companies that I’m interested in. Is it acceptable to schedule a coffee or lunch w/ them to pick their brains?

    Part of me says this is kosher- I genuinely like the people, we have a good relationship, and I’m just asking for general information, advice, etc.

    That said- Could that be kind of risky? They might “smell” that I am looking for something else? (Which, of course, I am!)

  22. Has anyone tried the Gemma wrap dress from Banana Republic? Wondering how low the neckline is on a non-model.

    1. I commented about my love for the Gemma on the previous page, but I’ll comment again here, too. I’m really busty (36DD), and I wear my Gemma without a cami to work all the time. I don’t think it’s too low on me, but I will say this can depend on the bra I’m wearing with it. If it’s a little smoother and the dress slides against it easier, I can end up with more cleavage than I’m comfortable with. In that case, I have worn a cami to hold the dress in place better, so my cleavage stays appropriate. The dress by itself though is perfectly appropriate at my office.

      1. Good to know! Thank you. I just saw the comments on the previous page- I returned a little late! Very helpful.

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