ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

red sweater with deep V-neck and slightly poufy then tapered sleeves ("Victorian")

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

How do I not have a festive green or red sweater to wear to casual things? I just realized this hole in my closet — I used to have a long mid-thigh length ugly sweater that I wore with skinny jeans, but that seems solidly out. (Must an ugly sweater be “in”? A question for the ages, indeed.)

I was scrolling through various websites and keep coming back to this pretty red sweater from Rebecca Taylor. I'm usually not a fan of sleeve details beyond thumbholes, which I inexplicitly always love — but bishop sleeves, poufy sleeves, Victorian sleeves are all usually not for me.

But I really like this sweater! The deep V, the bright red, and yes, even the shape of the sweater, including the sleeves.

The sweater is $450 at Nordstrom, available in three colors.

(I am also sorely tempted by this more boring wool/cashmere sweater from Faithfull the Brand, marked from $260 to $110-$169…)

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

191 Comments

  1. Help! I drew the short straw and am in charge of food for a family gathering on the 25th.
    * Meal for 8-10 adults
    * entree should include meat (warm, not cold cuts)
    * host (my elderly dad) lives in a very rural area so I either need to pickup catering the night before/reheat or bring things and cook in his kitchen, which has a small (apartment size)electric oven + 2-burner stovetop, and a microwave.
    * Three guests can’t eat: dairy, gluten, almonds, eggs, almonds.
    * Two hate onions and garlic. Not allergic but pure hatred/won’t eat/complain about the smell.

    I am a 2-hour drive away in a suburb of a large metro so can buy anything here and travel with it. He wants to eat at 11am. He lives 30 min from a town that has McDonalds and a grocery but not sure if open 12/25. I own two large (2’ by 2’) coolers, two crock pots, and am open to buying foil pans or stuff for easier reheating. Genuinely not sure whether to plan a menu or get a catering order from somewhere near me that I can travel with and reheat without much issue the next day. I’m not a great cook, I am extremely slow to prep and pull things together, but I have 12/24 afternoon free so can if that’s best. Literally any thoughts appreciated!

    1. I’d go with either a make your own taco bar or a big holiday ham and sides (biscuits, jellies, mustard, cornichons) and a green salad.
      I would also delegate drinks, dessert, and paper plates/utensils/napkins to another family member who isn’t doing food.

    2. A protein (bake 2 slabs of salmon – sprinkle paprika and black pepper, wrap in foil, bake), a carb (mashed potatoes or stuffing, or dinner rolls), and a vegetable (roast wedges of colored peppers and onions – drizzle with balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, olive oil). Purchase appetizers and deserts or have other people bring apps.

      1. No onions.

        A lot of folks hate salmon (I love it but would avoid stinking up the house with it)

    3. See if restaurants near you can cater this meal. Our local barbecue joint offers a prime rib meal with sides to feed 8-10 people for carry out. Whole Foods has holiday meal packages as well.

    4. It might be too late to order catering for Christmas, but I’d go easy with a ham, potatoes (no gluten!), veg like green beans, and a leafy salad. Consider buying a portable oven to warm up the ham and keep the oven free for the sides.

    5. If they don’t need a traditional dinner, I’d put in a BBQ order to be picked up on 12/24 – brisket, sausage, smoked turkey, mac and cheese, potato salad, green beans. Then I’d fill in with anything else you want and dessert. I’d

      It’s going to be fussy enough to load all the stuff (and yourself), drive two hours, and get it all warm and set up by 11 am.

      Also . . . who are these other 8 adults? Presumably they live closer and can help prep, heat up, bring food, set tables, etc.?

      1. I’d push back hard on that 11 am start if you can. Ridiculous to be up and driving 2 hours and then do prep. If he wants to start that early than he can cook. Ridiculous.

    6. If you have a Honey Baked Ham store nearby, you might be able to pick up a ham and some pre-made sides from the store.

    7. Another suggestion is a Christmas brunch. You can put together a casserole of some kind and do bacon in the oven when you get there. Supplement with non-dairy yogurt and gluten-free pastries plus fruit and be done with it.

      1. If you can’t find catering this late, this is 100% what I would do.

        If you’re more ambitious, the Dinner: A Love Story pork ragu is very, very good. You can find the recipe online.

    8. I love homemade, but this is a task for a premade grocery store feast that you pick up cold and reheat. That way, all the items will already be packaged for transport and (crucially!) cold, so you don’t have to worry about rapid cooling. Just put in your cooler with ice packs and go.

      Depending on the dishes, you may also need to bring your crock pots or microwavable serving dishes.

      1. If there is a store near you, you would not be too late for Whole Foods ordering where I am, and they had several choices of full meals available.

    9. Beef Tenderloin (oven)
      boiled new potatoes (one burner on stovetop)
      Microwaved asparagus (microwave)
      leafy green salad with creamy dressing (look up the recent Ina Garten recipe in NYT?)
      mini croissants warmed in the oven after the tenderloin is removed and is resting
      store-bought pecan pie or chocolate cake, etc. for dessert
      OR
      bacon (oven) and sausage (one burner stovetop)
      scrambled eggs for a crowd (microwave — look up online)
      frozen hash browns (thawed on the drive, one burner stovetop) or hash brown casserole (oven)
      fruit salad — blueberries, blackberries, 2-3 peeled and chopped/chunked kiwis, drizzled with honey and a squeeze of lime
      plus store-bought pecan pie or chocolate cake, etc. for dessert
      Enjoy!

    10. Roast beef with boiled carrots, roasted potatoes, gravy (see if you can get the vegan bisto in world market), roasted parsnips, a plain garden salad to start and fruit (both fresh and dried) platter with other nuts and chocolate (like chocolate covered raisins, candied pecans, the Hawaii macadamia nuts, dried figs and dates).

    11. Brunch option: Bacon and sausages, Waffles or pancakes with gluten free flour and egg replacer (this is easier than it sounds, both are readily available in most supermarkets)- make in advance and reheat in oven, baked egg dish for those who eat eggs (may want to check with person with egg issue, we’d be fine with this as the smell doesn’t bother our daughter but it may bother someone who has had a bad reaction).

      Easier lunch option: sheet pan roast chicken or turkey bre@sts seasoned with lots of olive oil, rosemary, oregano, salt and pepper, add carrots to the sheet pan. Use stove top to cook rice and steam another veg. After chicken comes out, use oven to bake apple crumble or similar (prep off site) or just serve fruit salad with dairy and non-dairy ice cream options.

      If guests have food restrictions for allergies and you are prepping off site, snap a picture the ingredients with your phone if anything is packaged and please don’t be offended if they ask to check. It’s easy to make mistakes and mistakes can be caught by double checking. My dad once made roast chicken and used chicken broth to marinate, turns out the chicken broth contained ‘modified milk ingredients’ but we couldn’t figure out why my daughter was reacting until we dug the package out of the trash.

      Hope that helps. It’s a lot of work but a lovely expression of the Christmas spirit to do this for your Dad and his guests.

  2. My elderly auntie had a port installed last week. Clinic gave her a rubber bracelet (like the livestrong style) that says she has a port. It is HUGE on he wrist- she’s 4’10 and maybe 80 lbs. I have tried searching but no dice, is there a place that sells those rubber bracelets in kid sizes that I could customize? Or a similar port FYI in a child size? Can’t have any metal on it.

    1. What is the port for and who is the bracelet for? My mom had a port for chemo and the port was just for chemo. My mom would have been able to tell anyone that also (she was 80). She never had a bracelet.

      Chemo wrecks your veins, which is why people get a port (so they can get their chemo meds).

      If your aunt isn’t verbal and it is to let others know that there is a port that she can use, maybe that is different.

    2. can you cut the bracelet, wrap it tighter (but not so tight it can’t be removed), and Gorilla Glue the now-overlapping ends neatly?

    3. Look at The ID Band Co. They offer silicone wristbands in different sizes and can customize the alert engraved on it.

  3. I had kids 10+ years ago, uneventful V deliveries, any tears didn’t need stitches. I am now in the perimenopause / actual menopause wilderness. Today, within 30 minutes of peeing, I leaned forward and had leakage. I wasn’t even feeling like I needed to go. I generally don’t have any issues, like I can go running and backpacking. Ugh. Is this something else I’m not prepared for in my 50s? Is it all downhill and Depends from here?

    1. Try pelvic floor physio first before assuming you’re on the path to depends

      1. Because I’m really private and maybe squeamish: how intimate does that require you getting with the provider? I am afraid to google. If anyone I know has done this, it’s never mentioned.

        1. if you do actual PT I think it can involve them putting their fingers inside you, but there are a lot of things you can do before you’d get to the PT point I think. kegels, those pelvic floor weights.
          I just googled and am now fascinated by Perifit.

        2. I had PT for this several years (9?) after a rough vaginal birth and it was a single pelvic ultrasound. Kegels were part of it, but she had different variations than my OBs had recommended. In my case, most of it was actually strengthening a lot of the big muscles around the pelvic floor so that my pelvic floor muscles didn’t have to work so hard. I haven’t kept up with all of the exercises, but I can ski, jump rope, run, and sneeze (most of the time) with no issues. If I have a lot of sneezes in a row I have to really think about my pelvic floor or I’ll leak, but it is a million times better than it was.

        3. Hi. I’ve had pelvic floor PT. My initial appointment included a pelvic exam where the provider did insert her fingers and feel around. Following appointments were a combination of that, physical exercises to strengthen pelvic floor muscles, and insertion of various dilators (I had a tightness problem).

        4. It’s fairly intimate but the same amount of time as a pelvic exam and should be 0% painful from what you’ve described as your symptoms. It’s nice to know you’re doing kegels correctly.

    2. Get worked up for a UTI. They aren’t necessarily painful and can present as mild incontinence.

    3. Nobody ever talks about it, but aging is not kind to the pelvic floor and vagina. Most women would benefit from being on vaginal estrogen because we’re all likely to get genitourinary syndrome of menopause. You can develop tissue laxity, reduced muscle strength, prolapse, bladder issues, etc. It’s all so glamorous. One incident may not be a big deal, but I would look into vaginal estrogen cream and get pelvic floor physical therapy just to make sure everything is in good order.

      Fwiw, just because you didn’t need stitches from a vaginal delivery doesn’t mean that there wasn’t damage. I thought I made it through with flying colors, but I had invisible ligament damage that had caused all sort of pelvic floor dysfunction. Sometimes it doesn’t show up until menopause.

      1. +1 no one talks about this and it needs to be discussed. I’m very grateful to my stepmom for sharing about her vaginal prolapse experience and the treatment for it. She had physical therapy and has seen significant improvement as a result. She said that her doctor told her that Keigel (sp?) exercises help with prevention. She also had 3 kids and I’ve had zero so I’m hoping I might escape this.

        1. And just an FYI from someone with pelvic floor issues (and no kids). It’s not a good idea to just do Kegels. A lot of people actually have problems with muscle tension, not weakness, and Kegels just make that worse. If you have a problem, see a PT, don’t just try to self treat.

          1. Yep! I have no kids, mid 40s and I have been peeing myself for years (I laugh so I don’t cry). I did PFT for a while and it helped, but I have to keep doings it apparently forever and I am too lazy I guess. I wear period leggings when I workout bc leakage is always an issue there and otherwise, I just live with it (I am not saying others have to! Just wanted to point out that you don’t have to have given birth to have pelvic floor issues – yay!)

          2. I’m Anon at 4:38 thank you both for sharing that extra info about these issues even with no kids!

      2. +2 no one talks about this. I got lucky that post birth I had a friend tell me to get my pelvic floor in good shape post birth. I didn’t do PT because I never had leakage.

        What I did was a lot of Pilates. I have had a lot of stress and it’s held in my shoulders, neck and hip flexors. The tight hip flexors cause so many problems for my pelvic floor and I’m always trying to exercise my way out of it. An over tight pelvic floor can also cause incontinence issues.

        I had c sections and my issue is a horrible FUPA that I’ll get liposuction on as soon as I have the money to do so.

    4. Look at Lauren Ohayon. Her company is Restore Your Core, which has an exercise program. She has an active, sensitive, wonderfully frank and extremely supportive FB community. She posts on instagram.

      1. Another great community and exercise program is MommaStrong. 15 minutes per day, strengthening everything, big on functional stuff like “don’t pee when you sneeze” vs weight

    5. I didn’t know there were urogynogolists until my primary doc sent me to one because I had symptons of UTI without evidence of infection. Vaginal estriodial has been very helpul.

      1. +1

        Yes – this is the right doctor to see. They can be hard to find. Urologists are not well trained or interested in this specialized area, as urologists are generally surgeons and less interested in medical problems that are not fixed with surgery. Perhaps that is also why it is so difficult to find a gynecologist interested in menopause.

    6. TL;DR – seek treatment! You do not need to just accept this. See a urogynecologist!

      There are a lot of different things that could be going on, but my guess is that your problem is not stress incontinence–that is like peeing when you sneeze, jump, cough, etc.–since you haven’t had issues running. It sounds more like overactive bladder, when your bladder muscles just randomly start contracting at the wrong time. You can also have both problems.

      Either way, treatment is possible. I had stress incontinence after my vaginal delivery. I tried pelvic floor PT for several months, which didn’t seem to make any difference at all, and I eventually decided to have surgery to get a mid-urethral sling. That was life-changing and the surgery was really easy for me. In hindsight it might of made sense to try another PT, but honestly the surgery was easier to schedule and manage than weekly PT was at that point in my life. I generally only leak now if I have a really bad cough. Another potential treatment for stress incontinence is injectables, like filler around the urethra I think.

      I do occasionally have overactive bladder issues, and I often notice it more at specific points in my cycle (I’m 48). It doesn’t happen often enough to make me want to seek treatment, but medication is available for this. And yes, hormones affect all of this.

      1. I’m adding a point on the cyclical improvement or worsening of symptoms. I struggled with an overactive bladder and learned from a urogyn that the rise in progesterone in the second half of the cycle increases laxity in your pelvic region, leading to issues.

  4. I’m so blindly furious at my husband today I feel like anything I say to him will be destructive to our marriage and I don’t know how to dig ourselves out of this mess. Sorry, this is a novel.

    We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and have fallen into the common “young kids are hard” pattern where we both feel overworked and unappreciated. We’ve been muddling through.

    He went away for a friends trip last week and has had a stressful week at work this week. On top of the solo parenting, I’ve been doing all the holiday kin keeping and magic making. We’re flying out to spend the holidays with my parents/family this weekend. I’ve been doing all the laundry/packing/plane planning.

    My Mom has dementia, fell and broke her hip recently, and my Dad found out this week his PSA is rapidly rising so he possibly has prostate cancer.

    Last night I yelled at my husband that he needs to stop complaining about this trip and start helping prepare for it. He yelled back that it’s been a busy week at work and I never appreciate him or what he does.

    I am just still so ragey. Like, way past this one argument about prepping for the trip. I don’t know. I just, don’t know.

    1. Nothing. He owes you an apology. Give him a chance to give it.

      Then take some deep breaths and acknowledge the work you’ve done, and the reality that this will pass. Good luck!

    2. Ugh, I’m so sorry. I’d be ragey, too!

      It sounds like you are overwhelmed with sorry and fear about your parents on top of all the holiday running around. Is there any room for you to just be vulnerable with you husband? Wait for a quiet moment after the kids are in bed, and say something like “Yikes, can I have a do-over? Instead of yelling at you, what I really meant was I’m stressed over all the normal things, and I’m also super worried about my parents and I’m feeling sad and scared and I would really love it if you could give some extra right now — even though I know you have a ton on your plate, too — because my tank is just about empty.”

      If he’s a generally decent guy, maybe he’ll step up. If not, well that’s useful information.

      1. This isn’t bad advice, but I get the feeling that isn’t where you are, emotionally.

        If it was me (and truly, I don’t recommend this) I’d straight up ask if he’s given any
        meaningful thought to the apology he owes me.

      2. Listen to Senior Attorney, not the other anons. You’re both struggling and probably both owe each other an apology. Life is hard right now, but it will be much easier if you can tackle it as a team, not as enemies. If it truly gets to the point where that’s no longer true, then you need to reevaluate your marriage, but until that point, being honest and loving is always the better answer than taking out your very understandable stress on each other. I’m sorry, it sounds really hard.

    3. Having kids that little is super, super hard. My suggestion would be to spend a little time away from him (I would wander Target or get coffee when my kids were that age and I was this.close to saying something I would truly regret). Also, this is not the age for keeping up regular service on the kin keeping and magic making front. Christmas cards can be late. Kids can wear non-Christmas pajamas. And any relative who has a problem with that can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

      1. Right? Nothing is less magical than parents yelling at each other. Your efforts on the magic-making front are being wasted anyways.

      2. And if you have any relatives that complain about not receiving Christmas cards before December 25, you can point out that in the Catholic and Episcopal liturgical calendars, Christmas actually starts on Christmas Eve and ends on Three Kings Day. So it’s probably *more* holy to send Christmas cards late! I’m mostly kidding, but still, I love cards whenever they are sent.

      3. Oh, absolutely on letting things go! My mantra about Christmas is “everything is optional!”

    4. Good for you for recognizing that your reaction is about more than the argument and the trip.

      I wonder …did the news about your dad hit you extra hard, in the middle of it all, and in the middle of the grief/sadness over your mom? My mom had dementia, and it was bad enough grieving for her for years. Every holiday was so full of pain and anger and loss. If I’d heard, in the middle of it, about my dad likely having cancer . . . I don’t know what I would have done. Yelled at my husband, for sure. Curled up in a catatonic state in the corner, probably. Fallen apart. Given up?

      I’m so, so sorry. About all of it. It’s so, so hard.

      1. This. My mom had a really rough year with her health and was in/out of nursing homes for a good 4 months. She’s better now, and my kids are older but I am still so, so tired/frazzled from it all on top of life/work stuff. Sending hugs and hope for some time to yourself to recharge.

      2. Thank you so much for this for this. (Thank you so much to everyone for your lovely replies). I burst into tears when I read your comment. I’m so blinding wildly breathtakingly scared for my Dad. I’m so tired of grieving my Mom. They’re in their early 60s and this is all f-ing unfair and I just can’t any more.

        1. I know I don’t know your dad’s situation, but my dad recently went through a prostate cancer diagnosis. While the treatment was brutal, he was told it is effective for the large majority of men. While they won’t deem my dad in remission for a long time (they tell us due to the frequent recurrence of prostate cancer), he is back to his old self. Your dad will get through this.

          1. +1

            Most men live their later decades of life with prostate cancer, if they live long enough. Most is very manageable. Nothing like breast cancer, lung etc… Hang in there.

            And PSA is sometimes just prostate issues, so take a breath.

            I’m sorry it is so hard.

          2. Yeah, elevated PSA can be a bunch of things besides prostate cancer. My dad had that and it turned out to benign enlarged prostate. And as others have said, prostate cancer is rarely fatal. Treatment can have some very unpleasant side effects though.

    5. Maybe I’m petty but I would stop doing anything for your husband for Christmas or this trip. Get yourself and your kids on the plane and let him handle himself.

      1. Yeah, I don’t pack anything for my husband, ever. I don’t remind him to bring a swimsuit for the hot tub or ear buds and while he’s had to make some pretty elaborate on-trip purchases, it’s worth it to me.

        1. I stopped packing anything for my husband after he snapped at me one time for ‘bugging him’ about what kind of snacks/toiletries he wanted. Uh, cool, it’s all on you buddy. That trip he had to buy sunblock at the hotel, replacement sunglasses at the waterski shop, and watched sullenly as our kids and I had our plane snacks/lunch while he had nothing to eat (flight was delayed). He got a lot more grateful for my planning after that.

        2. I’ve made it a rule of my marriage not to pack for my husband. He always packs the morning of a trip, and I’ve just let go of it stressing me out.

          Once, when we were engaged and on the way to see my parents and plan our wedding, he waited until the morning of AND then got really drunk the night before the trip. (We were in our mid-20s, and drinking too much was normal for both of us back then.) I threw the contents of his laundry basket in his suitcase, then woke him up just in time for us to catch a cab to the airport. I figured his laundry basket contained everything he’d worn for the last week, so it was easily a week’s worth of clothes. He just had to do laundry when we got to our destination. It actually worked out pretty well for him, but he also got the point. Hasn’t happened since.

        3. In the Year of Our Lord 2024 why on earth are any women still packing for their adult partner men? This honestly shocks me.

      2. +1 – I would handle NOTHING for your husband that doesn’t directly impact you or your children, including any presents for his side of the family. I would also stop with any extras – this is not the time to bake 6 kinds of cookies from scratch, visit every third cousin, etc. – do the minimum of what brings you joy and allows YOU time to enjoy family and the holiday.

      3. Why does anyone pack for their husband? We make our 12 year old son pack for himself.

          1. Huh, packing is bizarre to me. I wouldn’t know to where to start and i certainly wouldn’t want him packing for me. I think there’s too much “you shouldn’t do this or that for your husband” here but packing is conceptually weird to me.

    6. i’m in a similar mood with my husband, but not so much rage. i always tell myself this: give yourself three days, and if you’re still upset, put on your big girl panties and talk to him about it using your words. don’t let the rage go past three days without discussing.

      also: there’s a lot of pressure on moms of kids that age to do the magic making. opt out. the kids don’t need a new creative daily Elf on the Shelf and 8 kinds of holiday cookies. you don’t have to volunteer at preschool. oxygen mask for yourself first.

    7. Oh, I am so sorry about all of this. First, and I know this is a small point, but my dad also had prostate cancer and although the word “cancer” is really terrifying, prostate cancer is one of the most treatable.

      Second, to all of your bigger points — any break you can give yourself, take it. You can do the minimum for Christmas magic (I promise the kids will find it sufficiently magical). And your husband and suck it at the moment. Let him take care of himself; don’t pack for him OR do his laundry, etc. Pack for yourself and your kids, and just give your attention to the kids for now, and your parents when you get to them.

    8. Go less on the magic! We had Christmas a day late for our 3 years when we were experiencing underemployment, moving and health issues in the family. He never knew it was late.

    9. Thank you all so much for the loving responses. They helped me realize that I was a little angry at my husband and a lot of angry at the universe. When we got home, I told him I was really struggling about my Dad. He apologized and told me he’d been so caught up in his own stress this week that he didn’t really process that it’s scary and I needed support. We both apologized for the yelling and letting it get to that point. I really appreciate everyone talking me down.

      1. Thanks so much for this update. And I hope you have calm, peaceful holidays. Please let us know how your dad is doing, too.

      2. So glad to hear this. Sending you so many hugs. I’m finding dealing with my own aging parents incredibly hard, and I am not also dealing with 2 toddlers. I hope you can have some good moments in the next week, and that you can plan a massage or something for yourself when you return.

      3. This actually sounds like a really good relationship

        Assuming he *actually* apologized and not just explained (which is what my ex did)

        Thanks for the follow-up!!

      1. I was just remarking this morning that I can’t imagine how people manage without a kitchen scale.

        1. Honestly, does it matter for anything other than baking? I have cookbooks from relatives who have passed that just don’t quantify as much, to the point of generally describing oven temperatures. “Fast oven” or similar. I get precision in baking, but their baked goods were spot-on after decades of perfecting (pies, pound cakes, etc.).

          1. This is where I land personally. I only use it for baking but Im pretty imprecise with my day to day cooking.

          2. Well I bake a lot, so. And a lot of recipes call for a certain number of ounces of protein and it’s handy for that. YMMV, of course.

          3. I know a thermometer and a kitchen scale makes for perfect pour over coffee every single time.

          4. A scale isn’t just about being precise, it’s also way easier than measuring volumes of things. It’s much, much easier to throw a vegetable on a scale a figure out if you have enough for the recipe than to try to measure out cups of grated zucchini or whatever. I wish more non- baking recipes used weights for that reason. I don’t necessarily follow the recipe that closely, but if they’re calling for precise amounts in cups, it’s way easier to measure it by weight, even if I’m probably just going use the whole zucchini anyway (and adjust other amounts accordingly if it’s off by a lot).

          5. But most recipes I find do not have weights, and trying to move from volume to weight is often so inaccurate.

        2. I loooove my kitchen scale. I feel like it lets me measure with my heart a lot more often.

        3. I think this is up to personality type. I would never ever use one, but also accept that I’ll never make a consistent dish.

          I just don’t have the patience and also don’t care about a perfect result.

        4. Yes I often measure into a mixing bowl and then I don’t have dirty measuring cups to scrape out the contents of and clean.

      2. +1 to a kitchen scale. I’d add in a bench scraper, an instant read thermometer, and good sharp knives that are sized for my (smaller) hands.

        1. my bench scraper is my most-used kitchen tool! I bought a second one so I don’t have to be sad when it’s in the dishwasher.

          It saves your nice knifes from being used as essentially bench scapers, and does a much better job at it.

          3. yes like this. You chop your veg and scrape them up neatly with this and plop them into the pan. Also useful for rolled dough, but I use it more for whatever I’m chopping.

            https://a.co/d/7hmAz29

      1. What olive oil are you enjoying lately?

        I accidentally bought the “wrong” Kirkland olive oil last order. (Apparently the beloved one is not the organic one; the labels look similar to me!)

        1. oh, i’ve been wondering about this! they have like four huge bottles that all look exactly the same that vary in price from $21-$26.

      1. flakey salt is my favorite, it just does something that other salts don’t do!

    5. My small kitchen scale.
      For convenience and speeding up weeknight meals, my big jar of ginger garlic paste from the Indian market.
      The biggest game changer for my cooking, though, was moving to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, where to option to say “eff it, we’re getting takeout” doesn’t exist. Cooking every meal at home has obviously improved my skills, but also has me running through ingredients much more quickly. Even mundane ingredients are better fresh.

    6. Fish sauce.

      Hear me out on this one: you know when something needs some extra oomph, or pungency, or umami?

      Fish sauce.

      1. +1 – that’s probably the biggest takeaway from Serious Eats’ body of recipes… if it’s almost there, but not quite, add a hit of fish sauce.

        1. It’s so good. Fish sauce or a little bit of anchovy.

          I also like this better than “soy sauce in western dishes” which can make food taste kind of like restaurant take out or cafeteria food to me.

          1. I have to get over myself when I use fish sauce. The smell when it first hits the hot liquid in the stove always does a number on me. I know it dissipates quickly and the end result is worth it, but that initial smell – ugh.

      2. The first time I bought real Vietnamese fish sauce, I got a whiff of it and thought “no this can’t be right. This has definitely gone bad.” But no, it had gone very, very good.

    7. I don’t know about specialty but nearly everything is better with acid. Lemon, lime, balsamic, white balsamic, rice vinegar, red wine vinegar, apple cider vinegar… Tahini. A dash of worcestershire in meat dishes (I can’t stand fish sauce). I found this dumpling sauce at World Market that levels up frozen potstickers.

      1. +1 to this. I’m not a big balsamic person ( too sweet), but rice , red wine, black, and apple cider vinegar, lemons and limes, plus fresh herbs, frozen ginger, nuts, and lots of spice pastes and blends.

        1. If the balsamic you get is too sweet it’s probably been adulterated, it’s pretty common for cheaper brands to add undisclosed sugar.

          1. I also find Balsamic vinegar too sweet for my tastes. Different poster here. And I’ve tried all the pricey recommended stuff at least once. I’m just not a balsamic girl and that’s ok. If we’re at a restaurant and their standard vinaigrette is a balsamic vinaigrette, I’m an absolute no.

          2. No, the more expensive it is, the less I like it! I’m actually okay with the cheap stuff that barely has any flavor. I have a weird thing about some foods being too sweet. I’m fine with candy, but can’t stand it in other things, like ripe bananas, pears, and vinegar.

          3. I like Pompeiian which is cheap and moderately sweet.

            I don’t like the syrupy kind whether there’s added sugar or not; it’s too sweet and syrupy.

    8. I like to add fior di Sicilia extract from King Arthur Baking to certain baked goods. It is a combo of vanilla and citrus.

    9. parsley-garlic sprinkled on lots of types of food is tasty!
      adding a dash of cream to mayonnaise-based dressings gives a “rounder” taste.
      And Fage greek yogurt, 2%, the best.

    10. Two ingredients that I’ve been enjoying this year, is passion fruit juice and gochujang paste. A simple passion fruit coulis can level up your morning yogurt, or you thicken it a little more as a charcuterie spread, and when you pair passion fruit with chocolate in any form, it’s a flavor explosion.
      Gochujang noodles were a new recipe this year that went into rotation immediately.

  6. Log of filet of roast beef cooked at home and heated up. Roasted green beans and also cooked at home and heated up. Mashed sweet potatoes in a crockpot (you’ll have to use olive oil or fake butter). Mushrooms in a Marsala Wine reduction sauce to drizzle over everything (again no butter warmed gently on the stove.)

    This is absurd and im annoyed on your behalf so im assuming you love these people to death or are at least glad to see them. Good luck!

    2. Beef filet joins fried chicken as the only two entree meats I like at room temperature. I like it with a mayo sauce to which has been added some lemon juice, huge amounts of ground horseradish, salt, and copious amounts of coarse ground pepper.

  7. This came over just now via e-mail:

    Former Jones Day lawyers Marc Savignac and Julia Sheketoff accuse the firm of discriminating against men by giving them eight fewer parental leave weeks than women get for the addition of a child. They also say Jones Day retaliated against the couple after Savignac complained about the policy.

    I can’t imagine a world where the birthing parent doesn’t get more leave — IIRC, birthing a baby generally gets you 6 weeks of disability, possibly more if you have a c-section and/or surgery to recover from. That is fundamentally different than the bonding aspect of longer leaves.

    If people really cared about equity, they’d look at staff leave policies and see how spartan they are.

    1. Birthing parent should 100% get more leave but this sounds to me like adoptive (or otherwise non-birthing) moms get more leave than dads and yeah I can see how that’s gender discrimination.

      I rarely praise my employer but I think they get this right: X weeks of medical leave for a birth mom + Y weeks of parental leave for any new parent. Birth moms get X + Y, dads, adoptive moms and other non-birthing parents just get Y. Of course X and Y could be higher. But I think the concept is right.

      1. Just curious – does the age of the adopted child matter? I can see having just Y if you’re adopting an older kid, but if you’re adopting an infant maybe X + Y would make sense. Honestly, I hate all of this, we should just act like normal industrialized countries and have parental leave.

        1. No, all adoptive parents are treated the same under the policy. I can see an argument that adopting an infant should entitle you to more time than adopting an older child, but I still think birth mothers need longer leaves than people who adopt infants because they have to physically recover in addition to caring for the infant.

      2. I think this makes sense. There’s a medical component to the leave a mom who just gave birth needs too.

        1. IDK — what you gain with older kids eating independently and sleeping through the night, you may lose with various therapies, tutoring, and school to get in place. And you likely have a lot of legal and social work appointments before that.

          1. The medical component for the birthing mother has nothing to do with baby sleeping through the night or eating independently.

          2. I mean, birthing gets birthing leave. All adoption leaves should be the same because you can’t model the actual need specifically.

          3. Yeah I commented above that I can see an argument for adoptive parents of infants getting more leave than adoptive parents of older children (but not as much as birth mothers), but this is the other half of what I was going to say. Settling in a school age child who likely has trauma and special needs seems harder in many ways than caring for an infant.

    2. Yeah, I’m sure the staff (and the staff attorneys) at big law firms get pretty spartan leaves and/or get pushed out if they have small kids. I know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows in places like Sweden, but if we can send a man to the moon, surely the US could have reasonable maternity leaves where both parents got 6 months to a year to recover and bond with their new kids.

    3. Yeah that’s BS. Women get more because they recover from childbirth, end of story.

      1. I agree but I just struggle with this. The reality is the lion’s share of physical recovery is running concurrently with the most involved child care. What is expected of a mom in the moments, hours, weeks and months after giving birth is actually mind boggling to me. Heck yes I think she deserves more time but four to six months later the physical recovery part is at least less acute. You’re really more caring for your baby at that point. I suspect that’s what this is getting at. It’s cynical and wrong but unless we all decide to do what what rich Chinese women do in my mind (probably not reality but in my mind) and actually heal with minimal child care responsibilities for several weeks, these anti women folks kind of have a point. We’re just taking more time to care for this baby; no one actually lets us recover. I say this as a very privileged woman whose husband was really involved and who had relatively uncomplicated births and opted out of nursing. Truly, my body was broken and it was just instant round the clock childcare following a full day of labor and several hours of pushing. By the time his leave ran out it was mostly about caring for the baby. If you’re going to give us x amount of weeks of leave to physically recover , can we actually do that? It felt socially unacceptable to opt out of nursing let alone you know, sleep and let someone else help with the baby in the first few nights, let alone weeks. In reality that longer leave just let me serve my family and babies, and I’m grateful and want other women to have it. But let’s not kid ourselves; there was no actual time to recover from childbirth.

        1. I agree that there’s no real time to recover, but it must be accounted for anyway. Some women are back in the hospital a few weeks postpartum.

        2. A lot of women don’t even produce milk in time to prevent hypoglycemia in a newborn baby; before formula and milk banking, the solution was another breastfeeding mother. Obviously that is not recommended today, but I feel it’s a measure of how collective raising a baby used to be, and how unnatural and burdensome the modern expectations are that the same woman who just gave birth should provide all of the care.

    4. My husband’s company (a big, recognizable one) amended their policy this year that both parents get 20 paid weeks. Just in time for our baby’s birth!

      TBH it’s possible the mom could get STD added on, I’m not sure, we didn’t need to dig into the fine print.

  8. I’m taking 3 weeks off for the holidays, which is the longest I’ve ever taken in 15+ years. I’m blocked on one last task before I sign off, and the struggle is real. I need to push one button, PLEASE just approve it so I can approve it so I can sign offfffff!!!!!!

      1. I’m working on a new style of my semi-extreme sport :)

        Like going from skiing to snowboarding or road biking to mountain biking… for all the people who have done it, it’s apparently quite the journey. I haven’t had the headspace to start at square one again for the last few years, so I’m hoping the 3-week focus time will be a good kick start to figuring out this new style.

  9. DH and I are staying home for Christmas, and I have to work a couple days next week, so it’s all going to be low key. But I do want to make a few treats this weekend so I feel a little more holiday spirit. My non-negotiables are biscochitos and homemade party mix. What does everyone else make and/or love?

    1. This is my Christmas break baking to-do list
      https://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/salted-caramel-toffee-pie/
      https://sugarspunrun.com/candy-cane-cheesecake/ (with more chocolate in the cheesecake and no whipped cream)
      Tollhouse cookie pie (I use a family recipe but it’s similar to this one: https://abountifulkitchen.com/original-toll-house-pie/)
      Blueberry crumb cake
      And my 7 year old and I are going to try to make Paul Hollywood’s Caterpillar Cake together: https://thegreatbritishbakeoff.co.uk/recipes/all/paul-hollywoods-caterpillar-cake/

    2. I’m going to make some baked apples this afternoon for breakfast/snacks. Kind of gives off an apple pie vibe but healthier.

    3. We are having an open house on New Year’s Day and I am spending today making and freezing cinnamon rolls to be baked the day of. The party is new this year but the cinnamon rolls are an annual tradition. Also we have Cookie Day every year and this year it will be on Christmas Eve after we fly up to be with my daughter.

      1. Ooh can I request you to share more details on how you do this? I have moved to a new to me city 3 years ago and have lots of scattered friends that dont necessarily get along/match wavelengths (DINKs vs new parents vs older parents vs variety of cliques etc) in a big group way and this might be the one way i can finally host folks and make it work. Please share as much details as you are able! MANY MANY thanks SA!

        1. Not many details to share, really: We sent out evites to almost everybody we know (maybe 100 people/couples) saying, in essence, “Stop by for cinnamon rolls, champagne, coffee, and good cheer between 10 and 1. Bring something brunchy to share if you like (totally optional). Bring your houseguests if you have them.”

          We’re hiring a couple of helpers to keep the food freshened up, bartend, and deal with the trash and dirty dishes. We’re in So Cal so the food will be on the dining table in the house but we expect people to mostly congregate in the back yard (we have heaters if necessary). The Rose Parade replay and/or whatever football game is on will be playing in the family room and also on the patio, for those who care about that.

          That’s what I can think of. The floor is open for questions! ;)

          2. We were thinking about this too, more of an afternoon thing possibly incorporating black-eyed peas, dips/chips/cookies etc. but are getting overwhelmed! This does sound easy. I prefer afternoon so I can watch the parade uninterrupted!

          3. Do people bring young kids? Like under 6: am terrorized by previous toddlers in my house and having two 3 year old boys (who crated havoc in my house, broke stuff, terrorized my pet and i tried to manage them while the parents chilled with booze) once made me swear off extending all invitations to parents until their kids are old enough to LISTEN and process instructions. Or very young kids. How do y’all manage this?

          4. We are expecting a few elementary-school-aged children, but probably not any really little kids unless they are visiting grandchildren of our friends. As I said, we will mostly be outside so I think it will be okay because any little kids can run around on the grass. Otherwise I guess I am just trusting my friends to ride herd on their little ones.

          5. Thanks so much! Also how do you make people leave? I am worried about some of the specific folks who dont get along that well with others, coming in at the beginning and then not leaving until the very end, thus eating into other people’s sub-groups/comfort level etc and also taking up disproportionate amount of our hosting time/energy if that makes sense. Sorry if this sounds like a dumb question to veteran hosts.

          6. more please, if I had a person like that I would be mightily tempted to tell them the party starts long after it really does!

            I feel you, though. We are having some drama in our friend group and one friend has flat-out refused to come if another friend is going to be there. I am Team Invite Everyone so I told her I’d miss her if that’s her choice, but the whole thing just makes me mad and sad.

          7. Thanks! I wish i had the social group needed to host something like this. Taking other ideas for people with much fewer friends (acquaintances to be frank). I love hosting and feel I moved to a place where everyone i know, and i can only say this here, is uncouth and lacks basic social etiquette to understand cues, handle their GD kids, leave on time or even make conversation with other groups/people they dont know. I am so jealous of a friend who has a group of 6 couples from their grad school days and that is the inner circle which celebrates and handles everything together.

          8. It sounds like you would prefer that guests who dislike each other attend in staggered time slots? Not sure that’s feasible but you’d need to give them specific start and end times.
            Generally if people just don’t leave, I start cleaning up around them, and eventually just say it directly, with a smile “it was so great to see you, but we’ll have to send you home now”

    4. You must be from New Mexico! Also from NM and also making biscochitos, in addition to Mexican wedding cookies, sugar cookies (mostly for my kids to decorate), and zucchini bread. I will give the zucchini bread as gifts along with homemade vanilla extract.

      1. I am from New Mexico! Also have tamales for Christmas Eve and I’m making a pot of posole. NM Christmas is the best, even if I’m somewhere else.

    5. I hope someone in my family makes biscochitos for Christmas. It won’t be me, but I want them!

    6. Bourbon maple pecan pie and deviled eggs are apparently required of me by family. This year at Thanksgiving, I baked a bourbon pumpkin pie , which was a bit of a hit, so that might be a keeper.
      bottled eggnog from the supermarket, doctored up/spiked with liquor (bourbon?).
      I guess we like baked bourbon treats!
      plus popovers in the special popover pan with butter and jam, yum!

  10. Corporettes with a dedicated home office:
    I’m planning a remodel that will give me a small office: approx 11’ x 8’. One big window. Will have doors to kitchen and entry hall.
    – built ins or no?
    – Features that you would plan for

    1. Yes, built-ins, if affordable. As much lighting and electrical outlets as possible. If you build-in a desk surface (that could double as a vanity if the room doubles as a guest bedroom), see if the contractor can install a double outlet above the desk surface for plugging in a laptop charger, a printer power cord, or a hair dryer. Try to include a shallow drawer under the desk surface for storage. If there is room, plan a spot for a TV screen. You’ll need to put a printer somewhere, too, so figure out if that goes behind a cabinet door (and make sure there is a cut-out to thread the power cord to the outlet), or on top of a credenza or built-in shelf, or elsewhere. If there is room a desk PLUS a table surface can be handy, and a comfy chair with footrest for reading/watching TV.

      1. And make at least on drawer lockable with a key. Helps avoid prying eyes by whoever may wander through, unsupervised.

    2. I would do built ins and plan for as much noise absorption as possible if you have a centrally located office like this. I WFH and my kids are old enough to leave me alone but when they come from school they are LOUD. Similarly, when we get a midday delivery and the dog goes nuts while I’m on the phone, you can hear it.

    3. A dedicated space for mailing – a drawer with envelopes and everything you need. I wish I didn’t need to mail anything in 2024/2025, but alas, and a dedicated space makes it easier.

    4. -All the outlets
      -Ethernet port so you can have a mesh wifi router right in your office, or so you can hardwire your docking station to the wall
      -Keyboard tray for your desk – helps tremendously with my shoulder posture
      -Plan ahead for if you’d consider a walking pad or standing desk option
      -As far as built-ins that depends on the room. I don’t have anything significant to store in my home office as I also have a work office. I preferred keeping max floor space available and the ability to use the room for other reasons if I end up 100% in office someday, so went for a side table and small chest instead of permanent shelving.

    5. 100% yes to built in’s. If your budget is low, ikea has some good options. At the lower level do filing cabinet drawers, ideally legal document depth where you can see everything sideways.

      My father has what I think is the perfect set up with two legal depth filing drawers at the bottom, a shelf top and then bookcase on top with solid doors. There are 3 in a row, each 36” wide. The middle one now has no doors and its filled with baskets and filing boxes.

    6. I generally vote built ins, but it sounds like you have openings in three walls in a very small room already? Window + two doors? If so, I’d really think through my floor plan to decide what makes sense in terms of desk orientation. (Do you mind having your back to a door or the window?)

    7. I’m on camera a lot and I’d plan for flattering lighting and either art or bookshelves behind me. I love what others are saying about conveniently placing outlets, ethernet and soundproofing. Whoever said to plan for a walking pad or standing desk is brilliant. If it’s your style I think it would be fun to use a wallpaper on the walls or ceiling or both.

      1. Yes, appreciate all the ideas! Also on zoom calls a lot and need to look good.
        For the lighting, I plan to use adjustable height desk at an angle so I get window light on my face, without completely having my back to a door. not too much light behind me but built ins or shelving for a curated background.
        As others have said, this will take up most of the room.
        Anyone have a rec on an attractive adjustable height desk?

  11. Where can I buy a fancy filing cabinet? Wood drawer fronts, plain but slightly elevated, off white, locks. Extra shelf on top is a plus. Budget is $500-ish. I haven’t liked anything I’ve bought on Wayfair, looking for slightly better quality. Not open to Amazon (returning furniture is a huge hassle with them). Thanks!

    2. You don’t see this around much. You can occasionally find one on Craigs list etc…

      A long time ago I had one made by a local craftsman. No lock though.

  12. I had an interaction tonight that is really irritating me. Friend A asked me to come to a bar with her and her friend, Friend B. I had briefly met Friend B once before. So I go to the bar and I feel like I’m not meshing with Friend B very well. I’m on the quieter side, and she is very loud. Fine, I can deal with a different personality. But then she blurted out that I should be in therapy because I like the bad boy character in a series of books, and added “so it’s not actually the dating apps”…alluding to the fact that I’m single and not having luck on the apps. I try to laugh it off and say I’ve been to therapy, but she just says “well continue it.” This grated on me the whole ride home and it’s still annoying me. Maybe I’m just being sensitive, but I feel like she was really rude tonight and I don’t even want to see her again. There are other examples of her being rude to me but that’s the main one. I guess I’m just venting here. Friend A and B have been friends for decades so Friend A seemed unphased by her behavior.

    1. Seems like there’s no need to socialize with Friend B anymore, just arrange to meet up with Friend A separately; if she invites you out again with her friend, just decline. Try not to spend any more time dwelling on the interaction, Friend B is not for you!

    2. Apparently Friend B finds you interesting enough that she feels compelled to offer her thoughts and advice (albeit in a very hamfisted manner).

      Agree to bow out of interactions with B. It does not sound like there is value in spending time with someone with whom you have no mitigating history that overpowers how very different her personality and ways of interacting are from yours.

    3. Friend B is rude. I’d be fuming a bit, too.

      You don’t have to be around people like that.

    4. does Friend B drink often? bc that sounds like the kind of “I think I’m being soooo funny… because I had too much” kind of rude that is the reason I alternate drinks with club soda at work events.

      1. She was actually totally sober and only drinking soda last night. No alcohol consumption.

    5. Tell friend A. I have a friend B and I no longer invite her to anything social with my other friends because she can’t control herself. A probably noticed but it’s easier to make the break once you know it really bugs your other friends.

    6. I think I’d need a plan to stand up for myself a little more forcefully next time. (I would not have been prepared in the moment and wouldn’t blame myself for that, because who is expecting someone to be this rude with unsolicited life advice for someone they barely know?) I have found that often loud, pushy people actually respond well to strong push back. Probably they’re used to it! So I don’t think it’s too confrontational to call people out when they overstep like that.

    7. She was out of line. I feel like everyone is a wannabe therapist. It’s ok to like objectionable characters in novels. It doesn’t say anything about your moral fiber or dating issues.

    8. Unless you’re burying the lede and have previously dated meth heads or something this is really rude.

    9. That’s probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard and if I was annoyed enough, I would tell your mutual friend that. You need to be in therapy because of your feelings for a fictional character? I’m a huge reader, most of my friends are as well, and I don’t think I’ve ever made a single comparison between their book choices and their dating lives??? That is just weird AND rude.

      But I don’t think you’re required to be friends with your friend’s friends. You just don’t gel. I would decline future invites too.

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