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Here's a fun little question for today: what are your red flags when you're dating someone (or your friends are dating someone) — the things that make you question whether this person is worth the time and energy of dating?
(If you're married or partnered – what have your red flags been in the past? Have you ever seen a red flag come up after you've married, and what did you do?)
I've written before about how one of my red flags was kind of an internal one — if I rolled my eyes at someone I was dating, I knew it was time to break it off (or, at least, closely examine why I was dating someone I had contempt for). For example, one of my former guys never quite made it to the official status of “ex” because we only went on six or seven dates, despite him being a handsome, smart guy.
With this particular guy, every time he told me more about his past, such as why he had gone to the law school he did, why he worked where he did, or even why he had chosen to buy that jacket — my eyes involuntarily rolled back in my head.
I caught myself doing it once, and tried to rationalize it as me being too judgmental. I caught myself doing it a second time, and then a third (did I mention he was very handsome?) and finally realized we were just totally different animals when it came to decisions.
I couldn’t respect his decisions or the processes through which he had arrived at them, and I had to break it off. Does it mean that his decisions were wrong? Nope, not at all. It just meant that I had a strong feeling those decisions were different ones than I would have made.
There are SO many great comments in that older thread — I thought I'd summarize some of them here. Common red flags the readers called out include:
- racism, misogyny, smoking
- YOUR reaction: are you excited to spend time with the person — are they worth missing time with friends or something else (e.g., yoga class)
- compatible lifestyles/goals, similar enough family backgrounds that you can understand each other's perspectives
- whether you could be yourself around your date — whether that's “having real discussions about things that are important to me,” “feeling comfortable looking like an idiot in front of him,” and/or not hiding “harmless idiosyncrasies” like wanting to sit on a specific side of a table
- “In retrospect, my test should have been that the guy needs to make you feel better about yourself, not worse.” (I LOVE THIS ONE!)
- How your date treats their mom and other family members…
Here were some more specific dating red flags that were great…
One divorced commenter noted that being a bad fighter was a deal breaker:
If I disagree and the BF is condescending, nasty, cutting, or biting, it is OFF. My ex husband was like that and while it wasn’t bad early on, once the passion died down, what was left was a lot of ugliness. You don’t forget the hurtful things your partner says in a fight. So, I really pay attention to how a guy handles disagreements.
One commenter found that there were three kinds of ways men react to smart girlfriends:
I found there were three types of men: those who don’t want a smart girlfriend, those who want a smart girlfriend because it makes them feel smarter, and those wanted a girlfriend they could love regardless.
The first type were easy to spot. The second type though, they were hard. I knew my now husband was the third type because he was interested in my work, but asked questions about it instead of trying to show how much more he knew about my field than I did.
One commenter had a very specific “black tie and baseball game test”:
I have the black tie and baseball game test. This is after date 8-10 when I’ve decided okay I like you, enjoy spending time with you but is there any point in carrying on. I need to be able to take you to a black tie event and not babysit you. I don’t want to worry about 1) you sulking in a corner because you’re not having fun or 2) saying something stupid that will embarrass me.
At the same time I need to be able to take you to a baseball game and drink some beer and relax. You can’t be stuck up and not be able to enjoy yourself. If you can do both, I can probably take you anywhere.
Readers, over to you — what are some of your big red flags when dating? What red flags did you ignore and wish you hadn't? Hindsight being 20/20 – what should have been your red flags?
Stock photo via Stencil (red flag waving on a beach).
Anon
Red Flags for me:
3+ drinks at a date
Stable, long-term job but no savings
Rude to waitstaff or customer service people
Constant bad-mouthing an ex
Unemployed and no sense of urgency to find something
Anon
+1.
Anonymous
I’m not a big crier. If I cry 3x in a year in a bad/sad way – like he made me feel this way – then we’re gone. Once, happens – twice, I am ok if we’re working it out or if it is a different issue, but three times in a short period (i.e. a year), no way. I don’t have that much negative energy on any other space in my life and don’t want it to be part of my relationship.
Now – could there ever be an exception – probably, but even horribly sad things like one of us gets a life threatening illness (yes have been through this) usually doesn’t bring tears because the other person’s actions, words, inactions, etc.
Anon
Back when I was serious about finding a husband and not a great guy to date, the red flag was commitmentphobia. As I got older, it got a LOT easier to see. The guy who did everything right (fun, supportive, big romantic gestures) but would endlessly drag his feet whenever a decision was required of him? Nope. A man who describes himself as a confirmed bachelor? Take him at his word. The serial monogamist? Sorry, no. The man who sees us in a year still dating? I’m happy I cut it off with him and met my husband, who proposed within a year.
This is not being judgy towards women who want something different or struggle to see that particular red flag. It was just important to me to not let some dude waste my time – as it was, I lost got married too late to have kids.
Anon
*I almost got married too late to have kids
Anon
+1 guys who wasted my time
Anon
Before my husband I would have said not reading for pleasure is a dealbreaker, but my husband made that go out the window. He is both incredibly smart (STEM PhD) and way better informed about current events/policy issues than most people I know.
Shelle
Same! Sometimes I’ll tell my husband about a book I think he’d enjoy, but I’ve accepted it’s just not his hobby (and vice versa he’s always trying to get me into podcasts which I’ll never be into). He does watch a lot of educational documentaries and likes to talk about current events in a thoughtful and informed way, so I think that fills my desire for a partner with intellectual curiosity.
Anon
A guy who answers “tell me about yourself” with his corporate credentials. May be fine for other people, but definitely not what I was looking for when I was dating.
That and negging. And negging is pretty common if you know what you’re looking for.
Anon So Cal
The biggest red flag I see my friends ignore is taking on a guy as an improvement project. If you do not like the way he is RIGHT NOW, then do everyone a favor and walk away.
For me: Rude to wait staff, chronically late, bad mouthing an ex (although I made an exception for the guy whose ex was in jail for setting his place on fire!), bad relationship with mother, and conspicuous consumption. The last is from dating way too many wanna be LA Law types with their flashy watches, and Armani and sports cars back in the day.
Vicky Austin
Oh man, the “guys who want smart girlfriends because it makes them feel/seem smarter” is TOO real.
PLB
Not prioritizing spending time and having relationships with their kids. Having zero good friends, only associates. Men who have poor relationships with their parents. Men who are not well-adjusted but refuse to do anything about it. Miserly behavior.
PLB
Also….only being interested in his shows, his movies, his events, his stuff…and being unable to be a good sport and humor me and support my interests.
Anon
Someone who doesn’t listen. That feeling that someone is making me up in his head, to fit his idea of who I am. Someone who word vomits with no attempt at a solution, and then says “Now I feel so much better” after totally bringing me down. Someone who does not choose happiness. Someone with a history of addiction, serious mental or physical illness (willing to deal with what arises once I am in, but not willing to take the risk with someone if I am not yet in). Someone I don’t want to kiss and touch.
Anon
Genuine question: as someone who does not get along with family, is it always a red flag, or just a red flag if there are no clear reasons for not getting along?
My family is so awful that when my husband got to see it up close and personal, he was shocked at them and that I manage to be a functioning adult after growing up with them.
On one hand, you can’t pick your parents, so having controlling, bully parents isn’t a character flaw. On the other, it’s a huge strain on our marriage: I have a lot of very dysfunctional survival habits that aren’t exactly a barrel of laughs.
Anon
I have a similar situation. I am not estranged from my family, but not close to my parents for good reason. I wish I had the kind of family I could be close to, but unfortunately I don’t. I don’t think it’s best me any relationships or not that anyone had pointed out.
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but major red flag for me if they’ve cut off immediate family members (or anyone really). You can not be close and actively dislike a parent or sibling, but if they don’t have a sense of familial responsibility then no way am I getting involved. I get here are good reasons for some, but it’s either more messy than I want to deal with or more immature than I want.
Anon
I used to think this was a deal breaker, but changed my mind after meeting a guy who is a great human being with a miserable family. He has created a tight supportive group of friends as a family replacement and is the go-to providing love and care to those around him. I have another childhood friend who more recently has an extremely strained parental relationship and they are very reasonable.
Anon
Not being close is fine! In fact I would say it’s preferable in many ways. No in-laws to visit regularly, who wouldn’t like that!? Kidding. Sort of.
I would say actual estrangement a red flag but not a dealbreaker. I’d want to know the reasons, and generally the more family members you’ve cut off the more suspicious it is. At the very least I’d hope you have long-standing friendships/chosen family, because not being able to maintain relationships with anyone is definitely a huge red flag. My dad is estranged from his sister and I became estranged from my grandmother after years of her meanness that culminated in her behaving abhorrently at my wedding, to the point that many of our other guests commented on her behavior. So I’d be a hypocrite if I said I would end a relationship over a family estrangement, but I’d want to assess the situation carefully.
Anny Nonny
I would say it is a “yellow flag”? It requires investigation. If they don’t get along with family in such a way that it comes up early, then I want to hear about other long-term relationships. Don’t get along with family, but have these 3 best friends for 5-10-20 years? Much less concerning, you can maintain relationships!
Don’t get along with your parents, but super tight with your siblings? Probably your parents were in fact very bad, which is sad, but not a red flag.
As we get closer if you don’t get along with family, and eventually share about how you have processed that (therapy, self help books, whatever) that seems fine. You realize your family was not great, there’s a reason, but you also realize you had to do the work to overcome that.
Also fine: Get along with most of your family except one person, who everyone doesn’t get along with. Or, everyone “gets along” but you aren’t close.
Yellow turns to red: You are the one no one gets along with; everything bad that has happened to you is because of how bad your family is and so you just complain about it; No family and no long term friendships; You don’t seem to realize your family had an effect on you.
Anon
Doesn’t like dogs!
Anon
+1 million!
Anonymous
Someone who in the middle of a conversation where I am speaking breaks eye contact for no apparent reason than boredom and starts looking elsewhere. I’ve read this is a red flag for narcissism and it seems to be true.