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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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Ellen
Kat, I love Reiss, and this Sacha dress, being featured @ Nordstrom’s, and I was also so very sorry to read about Mr. Blake Nordstrom, the Nordstrom Co-President, who just passed away at a VERY early age (58). How sad for the entire Nordstrom family, and for all of us loyal Nordstrom customers. It just goes to show that we ALL MUST live your life as best you can, and that if this means dressing well, then that is what we should do. For those in the HIVE that missed this or do not read the NY Times about Mr. Nordstrom, here is the link:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/03/obituaries/blake-w-nordstrom-dead.html
I hope we all take something important from this, as our country needs for us to come together in this era of divisivness. All my condolences to the Nordstrom family.
Aging or cats?
Looking for insight on my in-laws. They’re in their mid-sixties and late seventies, respectively. They both still work. They have always had at least one cat and recently adopted a kitten. Their place smells awful (maybe cat pee?) and I’ve notice cat feces in the (open -it has no top?) litter box they keep in the hallway upstairs near their bedroom. This past Sunday I noticed that my black shirt was covered in cat hair when we left. The whole place is just grossing me out-to the point where I’m worried about bringing my toddler over. I’m wondering if it’s ok for them to live like this,their home was always cluttered/messy but never this bad. They hire a woman to clean, but I understand she is at least as old as they are. I tried giving them the names of my own cleaners, but mil didn’t like them. Is this just life with a kitten, or a sign that they should have more help at home?
Pompom
Without more, this sounds like life with kittens and cats. They shed. They poop. Not all litterboxes have lids.
It’s ok for you to not love being around those things–I know I don’t love those same things about cats–but without more, I wouldn’t be more concerned about your toddler than normal, and it’s up to in laws to decide about their cleaning.
K
IDK my parents had a cat for years (after I left home) and their house never smelled like this. I had a friend in high school who had a couple of cats and their house smelled bad, like what OP is describing. The litter box needs to be emptied more often, the cats trained to not pee on the floor, and everything vacuumed more often.
That said, its totally possible your parents and their cleaning lady don’t notice how bad it smells. I hope you can convince them to hire another cleaning person and that they clean up after the cats more often.
Anonymous
I’ve noticed twice the pile of feces. Like as much as a dog would produce. I thought about saying “oops! Looks like they cat pooped” so they’d clean it. Then I thought, horrified, that it looked pretty old, and do they just not change it?
Pompom
I think that does make it different, the piles. I agree with the other folks about the fact that some people get smell blind to their home, pets, or other things (cigs), and this could be that, too.
I don’t know what the solution is, though, besides getting other adults to be more diligent about the cleaning…which I feel like never goes over well ;-) This is hard, hugs!
Anon
You clearly just do not understand cats.
Anonymous
Thanks! I guess I’m just struggling with the smells and the open feces. Its hard to believe anyone would choose to live like this.
Anonymous
That is literally how litter boxes work. Cats poop in them. Often they are open. Idk why you’re so nasty about it.
Anonymous
Do you consider flushing the toilet a daily chore too?
Anonymous
Literally what? You’re insane.
anon
When you say “open feces” you mean in the litter box right? Or do you mean on the floor? I’m not clear on what you are talking about. If its on the floor that’s gross and it should be cleaned up as soon as it is noticed.
That said, cats poop in litter boxes. It’s okay to clean the box once a day whether or not the litter box has a roof on it. You would have to obsessively follow the cat around all day long to make sure they litter box was always perfectly clean. If this is such an issue for you, why don’t you buy them some self-cleaning litter boxes and a different type of cat litter? I find the Glade Tidy Cats cat litter to be the best for odor control.
Annonnnn
+1 Only clean the litter boxes once a day. Sorry, not happening more often than that. Cats use litter boxes, and a once a day cleaning vs after every BM does not rise to the level of the “living like this” judgment.
I have two dogs and two cats and I am pretty paranoid about my house smelling, but still, see once a day cleaning. I usually have cat or dog hair on me because #pets. If you think their house is gross, don’t go over there, but cats using litter boxes normally and cat hair isn’t abnormal or squalid.
Anonymous
It’s in the litter box but open, in the middle of the hall landing. I nearly stepped into it at least four times. I image they also walked past it at least as many times that day and it doesn’t seem normal not to clean it. I’m not sure why you’d have to follow the cat around to do that? We all saw the poop, why don’t we just clean it?
anon
This litter box is such a gleaming red flag of filth and squalor to you, with a vile, overpowering smell, that you have devoted a LOT of mental resources to, and yet you some how managed to nearly step in it at least 4 times? What like you weren’t aware of it? Not buying it, I think you’re just looking for reasons to be worked up and judgmental about this.
Anonymous
You can’t manage to look where you’re going? You sound like you really hate your in-laws.
Anonymama
Why didn’t you just clean it, if it was bothering you? I’ve noticed as they age my parents get more overwhelmed when there are people at their house, it’s possible they were just distracted because you were there.
Anonymous
The poop in the litter box and cat hair are normal.
CL
Not normal life with kitten, they need to confine it in a smaller space until it knows exactly where the litter box is (kittens will always prefer the litter box but if it’s too far away or too dirty they can go somewhere else, especially a dirty corner or pile). You also shouldn’t have cat hair everywhere unless the cats came in direct contact with it. Sounds like someone need to tell them this and intervene with the dirt and (possibly hoarding?) until it gets out of hand.
Sadie
The cat IS going in the litter box. She’s upset about the waste that is IN the box because they only clean it once a day.
She’s being ridiculous.
Anonymous
I wonder if it would help to move the litter box to a better ventilated area. We’ve had a cat for almost 14 years. The only time I notice the smell is if we have to confine our cat to one room with her litter box. For example, we’re currently having our main floor painted, so cat is in a bedroom with the door shut. Sometimes I notice the smell of the litter if it isn’t cleaned often when I first enter the room.
If this coincided with getting the kitten, I’d chalk it up to training the new kitten and give it some time. I’d also note that most recommendations advise having at least one litter box per cat. It could be that their current litter box doesn’t really support twice the mess. If you’re comfortable, you could probably use toddler as an excuse to ask to move the box and see if that helps . “I’m afraid kiddo will get into the box at that location when we visit, do you mind if I move it while we’re here?” And then move it somewhere where the smell might be less of an issue. It sounds like it is in a high traffic place. We keep ours as out of the way as possible.
Gently, the hair just is what it is.
Anonymous
+1 to toddler as excuse for changing things up
Leah
The correct rule is n + 1 boxes where n = the number of cats. The reasoning is to prevent territorial behavior by breaking up their tendency to “claim” a box as their own.
Also, you can’t just move an animal’s toilet around randomly. The cat needs to know where it is, consistently, or it will start to evacuate in places you don’t want it to. You can suggest a permanent move of the box (and blame it on your toddler if you want), but the movement should occur gradually (like a foot or two per day, until you reach the desired location). But you can’t just grab the box when you show up and move it for the length of your visit.
Source: 20+ years in cat rescue
Anon
Um…cats shed. Cat hair is part of life when you have a cat. A litterbox without a lid is normal.
Owl Lover
I’ve had a cat for years and never smelled anything, meanwhile he is long haired both pooped and vomited on the floor last night. And I promise our apt smells fine. A few droppings in a litter pan is normal. Cats use them more than once a day.
But my grandparents had a similar situation. They had one cat and the house smelled terrible, HOWEVER, it still smelled terrible for years after the cat passed away. So, maybe it wasn’t the cat. I think what they need is a deep clean. A real scrubbing of the apt, really tackling any upholstery smells, carpet smells, floor board smells. My grandparents also had weird habits like keeping old teabags around for reuse (YUCK) or keeping water in a pot on the stove for poaching eggs (also yuck) which contributed to the smells.
Anon
I’m not a cat person at all, but I’m not sure why some cat hair on your shirt and cat poop in a litter box would make you wary of bringing your toddler to this house. My toddler gets into way grosser stuff on a near-daily basis.
Op
I don’t know. I’m not a neat freak, but it grossed me out on a fundamental level. Like the floor there is more like a dirty public restroom floor than a clean public restroom floor. The smell alone, it’s like why would someone live like this? And why on earth is the feces not cleaned up? I clean my toddler’s poop several times a day, I cant imagine just leaving poop lying in my hallway.
Anonymous
You’re out of your mind. You clean your toddlers poop because otherwise it’s butt would rot. Cleaning a litter box is a daily or every other day chore not something you do every single time a cat uses it.
Op
To clarify, I don’t think it had been cleaned on a daily basis.
Equestrian Attorney
Yes, this. I clean my cat’s litter box twice a day, but sometimes there’s poop in it. That’s how litter boxes work. I understand not wanting your toddler to play with the litter or anything like that but this doesn’t sound unusual unless it’s a huge amount.
Op
There were several turds, in a pile, not covered in litter, like a dog’s poop.
Annonnnn
Yes, and? Some cats don’t cover their poop. Mind don’t and have never, this is normal. I clean it once a day.
cat socks
No, it’s possible to clean a litter box every time a cat uses it. But I would clean it right before guests came over. It sounds like that’s not happening. Of course if the cat uses the box while you’re there I wouldn’t expect them to get up an clean it right away. An open litter box in the hallway will smell if it is not scooped regularly. Also, I do completely change out the litter periodically. It sounds like the house overall is pretty dirty and the cat stuff is not helping.
Ellen
Be nice. A cat’s poop can really stink, so it is not fair to compare it to a baby’s poop, because baby’s only eat very bland stuff and forumula. Our cat ate all kind of fish, meat, beef by products and stuff that we would not eat at all, so when it eventually came out the back end, it really did stunk and Rosa was responsible for cleaning the litter every day, and sometimes 2x per day. Yes, we also replaced the kitty litter regularly b/c Dad often threatened to give the cat to the local Chinese family who ran a takeout place on Jericho Turnpike if he ever smelled the poop, particularly at dinnertime. Rosa was good about keeping the litter clean so that she could keep the cat. FOOEY!
Mpls
And honestly, even if the litter box is being used in a normal fashion, an open litterbox is not something you want in the vicinity of a toddler. It will be a sandbox plaything when it’s spied by the toddler and soon all the content inside the litterbox will be outside the litterbox.
So, aside from an issues OP/Mom has with cleanliness, an open litterbox remains an attractive nuisance for a toddler, yes?
cat socks
I have four cats and the battle with cat hair is constant. A couple of them will sit on the couches so they are covered with blankets and and removed when guests come over.
I have three large litter boxes in the laundry room. They are covered and cleaned multiple times a day and the trash gets taken out regularly. I’ve had cats pee outside the box due to health issues but I clean up those messes thoroughly with enzyme cleaner.
My house does not smell bad. I’ve asked close friends to confirm in case I was becoming desensitized to cat smells.
All that to say that this is not normal life with a kitten. If a cat peed outside the box at some point, it probably did not get cleaned properly. That stuff stinks like no other and can linger. The other clutter and mess in the house probably doesn’t help.
I’ve dealt with plenty of gross cat stuff at home and the shelter where I volunteer, but I understand why you would feel grossed out in this situation. The cat hair is difficult to get rid off, but the smell is something that would be difficult for me to handle too. If you go with your toddler, keep and eye on them and don’t let them crawl around and put stuff in their mouth. I know, easier said than done with a child.
NOLA
I do think you’re overreacting, but kittens are different. My cat was 8 mos old when I adopted her and I had to confine her to smaller portions of my house at first, but mainly because she got into *everything* if I didn’t. I have noticed a big difference in litter with this cat vs my older cat. The older cat’s urine was more diffuse (she had kidney issues) and her litter clumped more easily. A younger cat has stronger hormones and their urine will smell stronger (this is what the vet told me). I have to scoop litter more often because otherwise, she pees over and over in the same place and it stops clumping (even though I’m using super clumping litter. I have to replace the litter altogether much more often as well (almost never did with my older cat). It could be that your in-laws are getting used to this and trying to figure it out, as I have. It’s an adjustment. I am pretty sure my house doesn’t smell like cat urine, but she doesn’t pee outside the box and I work on it.
waffles
It could be the type of litter they’re using. Our experience is that the more “natural” litters, like the ones made from recycled newspaper or sawdust, can smell worse. The more traditional clumping litters mask odor better. We used recycled newspaper when our cat was little because our vet told us that cats can eat litter and the clumping can be harmful. When we switched to clumping, the odor was under control.
Anon
If the timing is correlated with the arrival of the kitten, then iI suspect kitten is not consistently peeing in the litter box. Once it finds a place it likes to pee, it will pee there over and over again, a self perpetuating problem. I would try to find the pee spot and lock the kitten away from it. Then get it deep cleaned (but still keep the kitten away from it)
I would have your husband or wife bring this up with his/her parents.
Anon
Cats shed, and it clings to everything. Just bring a lint brush and roll it off before you get back in your car. The average cat pees twice a day and poops once. If they have two cats, even if they clean the litter box once a day, stuff is going to pile up in there a little. It’s sitting on top because they scratch down, bury and cover their fresh droppings, which disturbs whatever else might be in there. Many litter boxes don’t have lids, if you’re worried about your toddler grabbing something out of the litter box, just clean it. There is probably a little scooper right there, it takes 30 seconds, you just sift out the chunks and throw them away. If they ask what you’re doing, explain toddlers will pick up anything, you’re just taking preventative action. If it’s looking like it’s been days or a week without cleaning, maybe it’s a bigger problem.
Anonymous
My cat periodically has anxiety-related litterbox issues (and before anyone says anything, yes I have worked with several vets). When he’s not using the box, my house smells. I have an enzyme cleaner and a blacklight flashlight, so I’m definitely proactive about finding and cleaning up the messes. But sometimes they’re hard to find or get to (like underneath the couch) so it takes a little while to figure out where the smell is coming from and to find the time to move furniture, etc. to get to it.
He’s also very picky about his litterbox. He absolutely will not use one with a cover. I’ve never tried an automatic one but I’m pretty certain it would scare him away, and frankly I’m not willing to spend like $100+ on a litterbox that will only exacerbate the problem. Also – when he’s struggling with litterbox issues, I leave litterboxes in places I wouldn’t like to keep them (like the middle of the living room) because it’s clear that he’s going to go there and I’d rather have him use the litterbox than the carpet.
He’s always gotten over it once whatever stressful event is over, but it’s HARD when he’s having issues. If I have company during those times, I hope people would give me the benefit of the doubt that I’m doing my best and not be judgmental that I just don’t care and want to live like this.
Op
Thanks for this, and to everyone above, even those who think I’m insane. I can see there’s a world of difference been those of you running around with black light flashlights and enzyme cleaners and what is going on with my in-laws. That said, on balance, while it’s not how I’d like my home to be, it doesn’t seem like such a departure from their usually homekeeping, especially given the new kitten, as to be a sign that they “need” help.
And of course I don’t hate them. I worry that everyone is healthy and well taken care of. I help take care of my elderly grandmother and I know where the line is:if I smelled these smells in her home it would be immediately scrubbed clean. It’s not judgment, it’s love. But then, with her, I know what her baseline “clean” is. I’m worried about my in-laws aging and I don’t want them living somewhere that’s uncomfortable and unclean. It’s just hard because their homekeeping took a nosedive with this new pet and, as this thread demonstrates, people get really defensive when you point that out.
Anonymous
I’m the person you’re responding to. I think your response was really gracious and I appreciate that. The point I was trying to make, maybe inartfully, was that it’s really hard to keep up with the accidents even if you’re a nutcase like me. It really only takes 1 accident to make the whole house smell. I think maybe your husband can offer to help find and clean up messes – maybe they’re not using the right cleaner, maybe there’s an accident in an inaccessible place, who knows, but I think it’s worth broaching with them. Use the new kitten as an excuse – Hey mom, it smells like the kitten’s had an accident somewhere and you haven’t be able to reach it, let me take care of it so you don’t have to.
Also, I know people were excusing the cat hair, and yes there will always be some hair, but it shouldn’t be excessive if they’re brushed regularly. Maybe you/husband can brush the kitties under the guise of playing with/cuddling them. This will also cut down on any hair balls the cats might have.
Leah
Unfortunately I have a lot of experience with this. Had your vet suggested medication? I had a cat on Valium for about a year for anxiety-related litterbox issues, which stemmed from a traumatic declawing/related foot infections. You can have the liquid compounded with fish or chicken flavor to make dosing easier.
Also, have you put out a large number of boxes near each other, with multiple substrates? Like one box each of clumping, non-clumping, wheat/corn, Yesterday’s News, and crystal?
Forgive me if I’m telling you things you already know, I just understand how infuriating and disheartening this can be.
cat socks
Yes, dealing with anxiety in cats and them peeing outside the box is difficult. I understand the need to have litter boxes in unusual places. I would be understanding of the litter box situation in your house b/c your cat has a medical condition. It seems that you are proactive about dealing with the problem and helping your cat. It seems like the OP’s in-laws are just messy people and possibly smell blind to the cat stuff in their house.
Anonymous
OP I can’t stand cats and I would be making excuses not to visit left and right. People excusing cat poop and smell are probably infected with toxoplasmosis. Do you.
Anon
Toxoplasmosis in indoor cats is rare. It infects outdoor cats who kill and eat infected animals or have contact with other (infected) cats. It has absolutely nothing to do with how often the litter box is cleaned. You can hate cats (somewhat odd in my opinion; but I hate spiders); but please do not spread misinformation.
Leah
That’s not not oocysts work. That’s not how any of this works.
Leah
*not how
Anonymous
I think the answer is clear here, and you’ve gotten good advice from others. Your in-laws already had a cat, and then they added a kitten on top of that. That sounds like hoarding to me. That is especially true here, since apparently both the cat and the kitten seem to be pooping as well as peeling, plus leaving hair in areas around the home where they live. The animal authorities should be notified, and you may need to also check into a geriatric social worker for the in-laws, since they are apparently incompetent as they are failing to clean up after each cat each time it has a bodily function. Plus, they’ve chosen an open litter box, which is not the choice you would have made. You also need to have a discussion with your husband to let him know you’ve decided the toddler can’t go to grandma’s house anymore, at least until grandma agrees to use the cleaning lady you have personally selected for her and maybe not even then (see hoarding and incompetence).
I think you will find this resolves all of your issues with having to deal with the in-laws.
Anonymous
Omg I can’t. Having two cats is not hoarding. Animal control will laugh at you if you report this.
Anonymous
And I’m an idiot this is clearly excellent sarcasm. Mea culpa.
Op
I’m the op and she’s mocking me.
Anonymous
I think this was sarcasm.
Anonymous
LOL
anon
lol. I appreciate this.
HSAL
I think you’re overreacting and won’t pile on to the original comments, but I did note one thing on your original post – you think the smell is “maybe” pee? If it was cat pee, you’d know, so there might be something else going on. Regardless, I think this is for your husband to take up with them, not you. Scoop the litter if you want and keep your eye on your child.
Anon
I think it’s both aging and cats. I lived with a roommate with a cat one Summer in college (subleased apartment for 3 months). The third roommate vacuumed the floors, sofa and upholstered chair daily. Not sure who emptied litter box but it happened regularly. Things went downhill QUICKLY when clean freak roommate went on a 3 week vacation. My own 73 year old mother is not doing all the things she used to do, meaning she just generally allows all kinds of things to slide, which seems to be a natural part of aging. Your ILs may be gradually losing focus on household maintenance at the same time their housekeeper is slowing down which is starting to show up in the state of their house.
CL
Can’t believe the time some people took to write long sarcastic and rude responses. I agree with OP, having cat turds in open litterboxes in high traffic areas is absolutely disgusting. At least use a box with a lid or put it in a space not so visible. I have 2 cats and I clean the box every time I see a turd and at a minimum once a day.
cat socks
I also agree with the OP. Cat hair is normal and difficult to avoid, but the other stuff sounds gross. And overall the house seems messy. Agree with the comment above about aging and overall letting things go.
Anonymous
Well, some people who spend a lot of time focusing on other people’s . . . turds . . . are blind to their own.
Anonymous
Look dude. You like cat turds in your place? Youre cool with a stinky house? You do you. That doesn’t mean people who are grossed out by them are bad people.
Anonymous
It’s not in a high traffic area – it’s upstairs in the hallway outside their bedroom. It’s not like it’s in the middle of the living room (though see above – plenty of reasons that might be necessary).
I have a litterbox in my master bath because my (elderly) cat spends most of the day sleeping on my bed. I mean would you put an elderly relative’s bedroom on a separate floor from a toilet if you could help it? Maybe the ILs don’t have space in their bathroom or bedroom and the hallway is the next best thing.
Anon
Welcome to knowing cat owners. Open-top litter boxes are nothing new, nor are they bad. And your black shirt was covered in cat hair? You poor thing.
JHC
I think this thread has a lot of super defensive cat owners who may secretly be concerned their apartments smell like cat pee and poop or that people are judging them for being always being covered in cat hair. I think cat owners sometimes remind me of cigarette smokers, in that they can’t always tell how bad their home smells or how gross it is to see someone coming into work covered in cat hair with a mild scent of cat pee.
Anonymous
This so much.
KTA
Nope. I have two healthy, wonderful cats. My apartment does not smell, confirmed by friends and family. I vaccuum twice a week. And guess what? There is cat hair on the furniture. And our litterboxes do not have lids (newsflash! MOST DO NOT) and sometimes, there is pee and poop in there, because I scoop the box before I go to bed.
I get you are trying to be snarky but it doesn’t work when you’re incorrect. Next.
Op
Hey-op here. This isn’t a comment on cat ownership generally. In laws always had a cat. They never had: poop out in the open, cat hair on everything and a house that smelled awful. I’m trying to figure out if it’s just the new cat or aging.
Your apt doesn’t smell? Great! Poop out in the open is your norm but hey, that’s cats? Cool.
But their home does smell. The poop left out wasn’t their norm, now it is. That’s my issue. Geez.
Jeffiner
The litter box could have been on the landing because they were trying to teach the kitten how to use it, or trying to relocate the box to a new location. For some cats you can’t just up and move the box to a new room, they won’t find it and will make their own decisions on where to poop. I would probably have scooped the poop immediately if I had non-family guests coming over, but I wouldn’t change the litter-scooping schedule for family or close friends.
Anonymous
Your family and friends are trying to be nice. It’s like people with kids who think that no one smells the diaper pail.
Duckles
ding ding ding
+1
As a dog owner with a low shed dog, I clean my house basically every day, bathe my dog often (also good for environmental allergy concerns), and have a ton of enzymatic cleaner and wipe all her stuff down with it all.the.time. I have de-shedding tools I use all the time and a million other things I do to make sure no one can tell I own a dog based on anything on my person or the smell of my house.
My mom and I used to clean houses when I was a kid. We nicknamed one house “the cat house” because the owners were incredibly high earners with super advanced degrees and crazy “famous-ish” jobs and the entire place smelled so gross. They had about seven cats and there was hair absolutely everywhere. The litterboxes had tops, but that did not do anything to help.
Animals shouldn’t go to the bathroom inside, unless it is inclement weather. If animal can’t go inside, then maybe animal doesn’t need to be a household pet. Sorry.
Sadie
Well, just say something about how dogs stink, shed everywhere, poop all over and jump up on people and watch the same thing from the dog people, lol.
Anon
Could you buy them one of those self scooping, self-contained litter boxes to at minimum help a lot with the smell? Cat hair is just the nature of the beast. But pee and feces should not be around the home to that extent. And to your knowledge is it just the kitten not taking to the litter box? I mean, other than the feces, sounds normal of a pet owner who is just too tired to police the cats or roller their furniture everyday.
Anonymous
My husband and i are in our 30s with three cats – our Litter Robot is the best thing we’ve ever purchased.
Small Firm IP Litigator
OP, even if what they are doing is “normal” cat owner behavior, it is OK to be personally grossed out by it and doesn’t mean you are crazy like others are suggesting. I sort of don’t like going to people’s homes who have animals because the hair and smell, both of which inevitably get on me; I change and shower as soon as I get home. I get I am in a small minority, but I couldn’t personally imagine having animals inside my home (and humans wearing shoes they wear outside), although I recognize these things are completely normal and common. I just have to deal with it when I visit others and I can keep my home how I want to keep it. I wouldn’t step in for your relatives out of concern for health unless there is a really, really bad situation.
Anonymous
Hahahahaha
Small Firm IP Litigator
I am sure anonymous poster thinks I would be offended by being laughed at. If people want to judge me for my choices of not having pets and not wearing shoes inside, cool go ahead. And others should just do whatever they want – the entire point of my post.
Anonymous
The people living amid feces seem pretty damned haughty about it.
Unwilling Babysitter
Sorry in advance for the rant. I manage a multi-government, NGO, and industry collaborative and I am just so tired of babysitting these people. These people make 6 figure salaries and have enormous decision making power yet whenever we have a call or something I have to walk the group through setting up video chat. I have to send out 10s of reminder emails and coddle the delicate emotions of man-children. I just can’t any more.
Anon
Oh man, the struggle is real. I simply can’t fathom some people at my organization who make boatloads of money yet want me to come into the conference room and dial them in to a phone call. Do you people not dial phones yourselves in your personal lives?!
givemyregards
I once had to work with an executive who started at the company while we were going through some IT changes and had to be temporarily set up with a web-based e-mail account (think gmail, yahoo). People were sending them e-mail for two weeks and not getting any responses. When I popped in their office to politely ask if they were getting any e-mails they opened outlook (which had not been set up) and said “I’ve been checking, but I haven’t been getting any.” Turns out they’d never had a personal e-mail address and didn’t know how to log in to an account like yahoo, etc. Keep in mind they were maybe in their mid-50s at the latest and this was around 2010. E-mail was not exactly new.
nona
I dunno – the phone in my personal life doesn’t require a conference call access code and pin number. Nevermind not knowing which access phone number I need in the first place because we have 3 different systems and the meeting planner put “AT&T” instead of the phone number assuming I just have it memorized like they do.
Anonymous
OK, you’re totally right here. But I’m 15 years in to working in software and we always, always have tech issues. 9/10 we can do the dial in but that 10th time? Sally hits the wrong buttons, or the webex isn’t set up right or the little cable doesn’t work with someone else’s computer. It’s not that these people are incapable of understanding the tech, it’s that it works so much better when it’s ONE persons job to be in charge of it, and to know what goes where and make sure that these people with their big salaries are not sitting around for 15 minutes while one person tries make the tech happen.
It stinks but over time, it’s worth asking someone to own this task. I’m sorry it’s you.
Anonymous
This could have been written by our IT guy. He’s constantly acting annoyed that we need his assistance. But frankly I have a million things that only I can do and I use my brain space to keep track of that. I make no effort to try to remember 10 steps for a task that I need to do 3-4 times a year. I get that if something happens weekly or daily, then the person needs to learn how to do it themselves, but I don’t have the time or energy to learn multi-step functions that I need rarely and that’s why I have support staff.
Anon
This. Also? It’s your job, not mine.
Unwilling Babysitter
Except I am not support staff or IT … not even close, I am managing the collaborative. I just happen to be the youngest in the room.
Anonymous
This right here is a part of why I quit my last job. I was only managing the emotions of one delicate man child but I was a junior attorney constantly running out of my own meet and confer phone calls to set my old boss up on his conference call, when we had exactly one conference call number that never changed and he did 2 conference calls a week. Among other things like literally paying the bills and calming people down from highs.
family law: is this normal?
Question for anyone familiar with family law to help us understand if this is a normal situation/how we should handle. We’re struggling to get a response from one of the lawyers involved in drafting our prenup. She’s representing my fiance, and the other lawyer drafted the document. She dragged her feet on getting the draft from my lawyer and has now sat on it for several weeks. My fiance has reached out, both before and after the holidays, and my lawyer has also called her. She has not yet shared the draft with my fiance much less discussed changes she would recommend. Is this normal? We’re considering cutting our losses and trying to find someone else on short notice, but maybe this is par for the course? The draft is incredibly simple (basically codifies our current state’s laws and lists assets/liabilities), so we were expecting this to be a simple review, minor edits, and sign deal but it’s been dragging on now for weeks. How should we handle this?
This is complicated by the fact that this lawyer is one of two recommended by my lawyer, and the other recommendation was someone who is a family friend of mine, so we don’t have a ready back-up for my fiance to use. Would appreciate any suggestions or context that would be helpful here.
Anonymous
I’m guessing she is just swamped and not giving this the attention it deserves. I’d ask your fiance to let her know you’re a little frustrated by the slow turnaround and give her a hard deadline for her recommendations.
anon
Not a family lawyer, but I’ve heard that they can have pretty busy Decembers with clients trying to get custody issues figured out around the holidays. I also think that there may have been a rush to get some divorce work done with upcoming changes to tax laws. So, I’d probably give a little leniency and expect that he should hear something this week.
Yes, she probably should have passed along the draft to your fiance. Would you be comfortable sending it to him (not your lawyer’s cover email, just the draft) so he can be up to speed when he talks to her? Your lawyer can’t reach out to him directly absent her involvement, but its ok for clients to interact directly in some instances.
Anonymous
This, plus post-holidays is divorce season, so this may also have been a busy week with new client intake, which is unfortunately how family lawyers stay in business.
Anon
Yes, holidays are super busy for family law over last minute custody issues, plus a lot of people file for divorce in January after they are done with “one last holiday with the kids.”I would send the draft to him with both lawyers copied, and your fiance should set up a time with the attorney to discuss, so she has a deadline. Does she have staff who can schedule that meeting?
Anon
I’d think the fact that the last two weeks were basically holidays should factor in here. It’s oregty demanding to expect a response during that time.
HSAL
When is the wedding? That would likely change its priority level for her.
anon
+1
thecareerfiles
I am an attorney. I think her behavior is unprofessional – at the least, she owes you the courtesy of a response to your request for a status update. I would write her an email stating that you are following up on the draft and further to your [emails/messages] of X, Y and Z dates and ask her to let you know this week when you can expect to receive a draft. Then follow up every 24 hours until she responds. Polite, but firm. Depending on her proposed ETA for the draft, you can decide whether to stick with her or find somebody else.
Anon
I’d appreciate some advice on a sensitive subject. The ancestors of one of my grandparents owned slaves prior to the Civil War. I have some limited, photocopied documentation of that, including a will that bequeaths two slaves by name. Even though these relatives were fairly distant from my grandparent’s direct line (meaning I don’t have much in the way of documentation or family knowledge/contacts to share), I feel like even these limited pieces of information might be useful for historical purposes or to supplement more complete information that black Americans may be using to trace their ancestry. Does anyone know of an organization or mechanism through which I could donate my papers and do you think they’d even be interested when I don’t have the originals (which I believe are long lost)? If it matters, the papers are relevant to slaves who lived in Georgia and I live in California.
Anon
A lot of small Southern towns have some sort of historical society or archives. I have heard that a lot of these groups keep documents like this, so I would try to figure out what town was nearby your family’s property and try to find a historical society there. (You may have to make some phone calls. The people that run these organizations tend to be older women that are not online.)
Anon
+1. Definitely contact the local historical society or library. Many small town libraries maintain large archives – esp. if they’re one of those places that was prominent in previous centuries, but modern times have left it behind.
Also consider your state archives. Ex: the Library of Virginia in Richmond keeps such things.
BabyAssociate
A good friend is an archivist at the Georgia Archives and I know she often helps people with genealogy research. I’d reach out to them.
Anon
Can you upload it to Ancestry.com’s database?
anon
Many of these are scanned into s!tes like ancestrydotcom, and tagged with the names so that they would be searchable by the descendants of the slaves. I’ve never done it, but I’m sure there are instructions online.
Anon
Anon at 10:26 here. You can’t upload to ancestry without 1) creating a tree which requires 2) a paid subscription. And conceivably because OP doesn’t know what last name these slaves eventually took, just posting it to a tree created for her white ancestor wouldn’t necessarily do much good for the black descendants.
OP, my other thought was that most county courthouses will have the original will or a transcription of it in their records. Because Ancestry and state libraries have already combed those sources, you could simply have a copy of records that are already out in the public domain for researchers. They won’t have any letters or personal documents you have, but the copies you have may be those made by a great aunt or something in the ’60s of what’s available in the courthouse. Definitely just call the local historical society or library. If your ancestor was wealthy enough to own slaves, the local historians will probably know him by name and know quickly whether or not they already have a copy of this will.
anon
Not to argue, but my understanding (as a white person, not from the south, but with an interest in genealogy) is that some black families kept the name that was forced on them–at least for long enough that it could possibly be helpful for someone trying to trace their history.
Anonymous
Also if you pursue this you should be aware that there is a movement towards the use of the term “enslaved persons” to replace “slaves.”
Historian
Historian here! I would reach out to the relevant state-level archive for advice, or alternatively to the archivist at the local major research university (whether public or private). Local historical societies can be great, but they are also often underutilized. The state archives or the university may or may not be the appropriate place for the papers to end up, depending on the scope of their current collections, but they can probably make an informed recommendation.
Houda
Fun outfit planning.
I am giving a lecture/speech on an anthropological topic in New York, 2 weeks from now.
Audience are 50+, well traveled sociology/anthropology types, multiple nationalities represented with heavy African heritage.
This is related to my extra-professional activities, so not work related. I don’t plan on wearing a suit.
What would you wear? I am 5ft1 , PoC, curvy size 4 and wear my hair natural in a short afro
Anonymous
Whatever makes you feel good and powerful. That is awesome.
Panda Bear
Hmmm, first of all, that sounds awesome, good for you. Second, what is the venue? I guess I’d choose an outfit partially based on how formal the location is. But I agree that you don’t need a suit, sounds like an opportunity to wear a fun dress or separates, along with cool shoes or jewelry.
Houda
It is held at a cultural center in Upper West. Seated attendance. Some lectures and a focus group. We will also have closing remarks and lots of photography to use for promoting upcoming events
Pompom
This sounds awesome. I present to large groups a lot at work, but not in a suit. I like a simple tailored dress in a jewel tone, with a sleeve (something like the MM LaFleur Etsuko silhouette), a fabulous scarf, necklace, or earrings, and a comfortable but stylish shoe. If I’m going tailored and simple on the dress, I’m doing a chunky funky or edgy accessory to be visually interesting and memorable, without distracting from my talk!
Pompom
Oh, bonus points for a pocket or belt where you can clip your body mic, if that’s relevant.
Anon
+1 I’ve told this story before but my sister gave a ted style talk at a large conference while wearing a sheath dress. The sound guy (and they are always guys) had to go up her back from her hemline up to the neckline with the cord. She says they’re engaged now, or should be.
Senior Attorney
This has happened to me. Now when I’m giving a talk in a dress I wear a skinny belt over it for the mic.
Lobbyist
Agree. Dress, boots, scarf. Professional and casual at the same time. Also, warm.
Anon
I think I’d wear something African. Maybe a regular pencil skirt with a traditional brightly/boldly printed flowy top.
Shopaholic
I would not do this unless you do it regularly in your every day life.
I like the idea of a coloured dress (I’m always partial to jewel tones) and cool jewelry and maybe booties?
Anon
+1. My old mentor is originally from West Africa and she wears brightly colored prints she picks up on her travels back there. It works for her, but only because it’s part of her regular life.
Anon
Yikes, that sounds dangerously close to cultures as costumes.
Coach Laura
Houda is originally from Africa and as she noted is a PoC. So it wouldn’t be a costume, were she to choose to wear something African.
Houda
Yes I am Moroccan and living in London… I think I always have a Moroccan touch by default. Today for work, I am wearing a Hugo Boss sheath and tiny pearl earrings, but a single silver bracelet which is vintage Moroccan handcraft from my dad’s village in the 70’s
Anon
I don’t think a white lady should dress this way but the OP is a PoC and wears a short Afro. If this is her ancestral culture I think it’s a cool way to honor it.
Anon
I would wear a bright, print sheath dress and a complementary blazer with no collar. Good luck!
Jules
My ex-H is an academic sociologist, in the same department with anthro, and I was on the fringes (receptions, dinners, stopping by to pick him up after a session) of a number of American Sociological Association meetings. If your group is similar, nearly everyone – except possibly a few of the oldest and stuffiest – will be very, very casual. The men will be in jeans (or maybe khakis for the older ones) and the women will be casual, trending hipster for the younger ones and hippie for the older ones. Definitely don’t wear a suit, just wear something that makes you feel great and has a bit of polish to it and you will be fine.
Anonymous
Wear a cool, interesting accent–we anthropologists love the stories behind beautiful jewelry + accessories. Also, anthro crowd in New York will be more stylish-cool not business-y. Not the time to bust out your power sheath. You’ll have a lot of interesting talks; have fun!
Carrots
DC ladies – any recommendations for a spa in the area? My friends and I are looking for a place that’s preferably in the District and mid-price (for a spa, so we know we’re going to drop some bucks, but we don’t need the gold leaf facials or extravagant things like that.) TIA!
BabyAssociate
I’ve heard great things about the Argentta Spa at the Watergate.
Anonymous
LOVE this spa.
smiley
I enjoyed the spa at the Four Seasons in Georgetown – they were doing a seasonal special and I got a good deal on a facial/massage/scrub package. No whirlpool or pool access though, if you’re also looking for the best facilities.
Lilliet
ISO: Acoustic guitar (and other instruments) songs, playlists, artists to listen to while working. I love Spotify but I’m somehow failing at finding what I want. I basically want Damien Rice-esk without vocals. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Vicky Austin
My favorite vocals-less music is an album called “Dreamer on the Run” by U137. (Afraid I’ve never heard of Damien Rice though.)
Isabela the She-Wolf
Tony McManus is one of my all-time favorites for this, although fyi it is celtic.
Anonymous
Not sure who Damien Rice is, either, but I listen to David Martello, piano. You can buy his albums online. I found him when he was playing his baby grand piano on the Millennium bridge in London at dusk.
anon
Iron and Wine? But they put me to sleep.
Anon
Try Spanish guitar. You’ll find lots out there. The gold standard is Segovia.
anon
For a more modern take on Spanish guitar, Rodrigo y Gabriela. I think they even opened for Damien Rice when they were first getting started.
Coach Laura
Love Rodrigo y Gabriela
Ms B
Old school George Winston for acoustic piano?
Kk
Try the Peaceful Guitar playlist on Spotify. I also like Piano in the Background and Reading Chill Out.
Kk
I also like Instrumental Study, Instrumental Pop Covers, and Chill Instrumental Beats.
anonypotamus
Don Ross and Andy McKee are my favorite artists for this genre. Acoustic (classical?) guitar, no vocals. I have found some other related artists through their Spotify or Pandora artist radio stations.
Anon
Suggestions for ways to help my friend who just had a c-section? Her husband is not the most…helpful or caring guy (he’s great in other ways, but she’s going to need a lot of help, and he’s not really the type). Not to mention, he’s a very inexperienced and nervous driver and now she can’t drive while recovering obviously. I’m sending food but any other ideas? I’m really concerned about her recovery.
Anonymous
Can you go over and do laundry and take out the trash? That would be #1 in my book. SO MUCH LAUNDRY at first.
Anon
If the husband isn’t taking care of laundry and trash, maybe he should become the ex-husband.
Nope
+1… WTF is he’s not the “type” to do basic human tasks after his wife gives birth to HIS CHILD and is recovering from major surgery? He’s not great in other ways… he sucks.
Anonymous
Gently, I feel like we haven’t even given this guy a chance yet. OP says “she’s going to need a lot of help” and is assuming the husband isn’t going to do it. Maybe give him a chance to not be awful?!
Panda Bear
Some things I’d like if I were in her shoes: you could drive her/the baby to follow-up appointments, come over to clean up the house/do laundry (or gift her a few sessions of a cleaning service if you have more $ than time), or do some grocery shopping runs.
Anonymous
Does she have a cleaning service? Would she let you give her one? Other than that unless you’re super local and can stop by, not much.
Anon
That’s a really good idea, thanks.
Anonymous
ALSO: get your whooping cough shot before you set foot in your friend’s house and wash your hands all the time when you are there.
Suburban
Sorry this isn’t helpful, but her husband needs to step up here. You don’t get to decide helping in this situation isn’t your thing.
Anon
Ugh believe me I know. It’s hard to explain, he is a great guy and loves her, but they are both super independent people and he’s never been the type to fetch and carry. Maybe having a baby around will change him. I hope so.
Anonymous
To this end, make sure she is asking him. If her husband is a great guy and they’re both pretty independent, he’s probably just clueless as opposed to purposely being non-helpful. For example, “it hurts my abdomen to bend over and put clothes in the washer and dryer, can you do kiddo’s laundry today” or “reminder, it hurts to lift things, will you do the grocery shopping for a few weeks?”
Nope
And also, the baby’s laundry is not exclusively HER job. Grocery shopping not exclusively HER job. He’s not helping here– he’s taking care of his own family that he signed up for. Yes, make sure she’s asking, but really she should not have to ask her husband to contribute to his own household.
CPA Lady
I had a (planned) c-section and felt mostly fine within a week. I would get tired easily and have to sit down, and just took it pretty easy the first couple of weeks, but it’s not like I was dying or anything. Grocery delivery would have been nice.
Lilliet
For a different perspective, I had an unplanned c-section and felt like I was dying for the first week. Work with what your friend is telling you her experience is.
Anon
And I didn’t even have a C-section and felt like I was dying for the first week because of all the breastfeeding issues. Amen to above.
Anonymous
Everyone’s experience varies here, but she’s probably fine and doesn’t actually need “a lot of help”. She has a newborn in cold and flu season and she just had surgery, she probably doesn’t want to go a lot of places unless she has older children that need to be shuttled around. Baby’s dr. appointments are about it for the first few weeks, and then she’ll be able to drive herself. I had a c-section and was up and around the next day with no problems. Is her recovery unusual?
anon1
Recovery definitely varies! The day I came home from the hospital (where I stayed for three days after my C-section), I tried to change my baby’s diaper while my husband was out on a diaper run and I was home alone with him, and I ended up calling my mom, crying, because it hurt too much to bend over.
Pretty Primadonna
This was me, too, but I definitely appreciated the folks who dropped off food and my mom and mother-in-law who washed bottles, dishes, clothes, the bathroom, etc.
Anonymous
If he’s not really a great driver and she can’t, could you get her a gift card to a ride-share that she uses? Might make any follow-up appointments less stressful if she doesn’t have to worry about the getting there/back aspect of it.
Anonymous
This. I agree that husband should be doing more and should learn to be a better driver but he’s probably not going to get there in the next few weeks. If I were a new mom, I’d probably choose a rideshare over worrying about trusting my husband’s driving ability with our new baby in the car.
tesyaa
Rideshare is not a good choice with an infant carseat. Generally there’s some work installing the seat or base and it’s not simple to do in an unfamiliar car with an unfamiliar rideshare driver who wants to make good time. It’s definitely possible, but a trusted friend is a better choice if the husband truly is an awful driver.
Anon
He has to learn to drive some time. What better time than now?
Horse Crazy
Is now really a good time, with a wife in serious pain and a newborn in the car???
Anon
I’m assuming he has a license, so he’s been proven competent enough to drive and is just being nervous about it. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like to do because they need to be done. If someone comes over and drives her around, he’s never going to do it. Pressure can be a good thing.
Mrs. Type A
Once you walk into their house you’ll probably just know what needs to get done. If there are dishes piling up, then load the washer. Clothes in piles everywhere, then do a load of laundry.
I didn’t have c sections but I pushed myself too hard to clean after my oldest was born because my husband’s family was coming over. I popped a stitch. It was a long and painful recovery.
If you clean whatever looks messy, you’ll be helping out a ton.
Anonymous
I would just like to point out that her husband shouldn’t be “helping” her with the baby. He should be participating in taking care of his own child. OP makes it sound as if the baby is the mom’s sole responsibility and the husband has chosen not to “help” her with it. That is a recipe for trouble. Not that OP can do anything about the marital dynamic, but she should be aware of how she’s framing the issue in her own mind.
Delta Dawn
Agree completely. None of this is optional for the husband. And he’s not “helping;” he has a responsibility to her and to the baby.
Anon
While I agree with all the husband shaming above, as someone with a space cadet husband who was an infuriatingly clueless new dad (despite going to classes, this being a planned, wanted child, him generally being a competent adult, etc), I can very much sympathize with OP’s friend. Also, it’s not helpful to express these items to OP. It’s not her husband, and this isn’t a good time to put pressure on new mom to whip hubby into shape, and OP definitely can’t call hubby up and tell him to suck it up and learn to drive.
So, OP, I think the most helpful items that were mentioned are:
– offer unlimited guilt-free rides or pair up with another friend to do so. Friend will need to get stitches out day 4 or 5, go to baby 1 week checkup, may well need to go to a lactation consultant before that, then baby 1 month checkup, and go to her own OB checkup at 6 weeks.
– round up dishes and load the dishwasher and run it even if it’s not full every time you come over and remind husband to unload it. It’s hard to bend over. If friend is pumping, get pump parts washed on top shelf and on the shortest cycle as she may need them quickly.
– never show up at her house without some one-handed snacks even if it’s just granola bars, but cheese sticks, nuts, beef jerky, juice packs, smoothie, etc will all be welcome
– if you’re gifting her baby clothes, please please just prewash them in unscented detergent
– when they figure out what bottles they like for the baby, buy another batch of these bottles and show up with a clean batch (6-12) every time you come over (take dirty with you, wash them at home)
– speak quietly when you come over! Ask husband if you can make a spare key and only text husband before coming over since mom needs whatever sleep she can get. He can communicate to her if she’s up.
– don’t expect to hold the baby. Infants are ridiculously fragile-feeling to new parents and many do not want others to handle them. Do everything but the baby unless specifically asked.
Anon for this
My doctor recently recommended to have me go off the pill. I’ve taken it since I was 15 for cyst prevention (I’m 30 now) but almost never have a cycle so she thinks the pill is over-suppressing that. Whenever I have accidentally skipped 2 days in a row, I feel crampy and overly flushed/warm – generally uncomfortable. Doc says could take 3 months to adjust. Anyone else successfully “weaned” off or went cold turkey and managed to lessen symptoms?
anon1
Hmm, I don’t think “weaning” off the pill is recommended or even possible. Is there any way that a different brand/type of pill would allow your periods to be more regular?
Anon
Yes, you don’t wean off of it, you just stop taking it. It’s fine to stop the pill, there’s nothing special you have to do when stopping it. The cramping was possibly a precursor to withdrawal bleeding?
OP
We have tried different pills but no avail. Looking for any symptom management for the transition if possible.
Anonymous
Advil if you’re crampy. Or Midol
Anon
There aren’t normally symptoms or a transition. It’s just…your body doing its normal menstruation thing. Take advil if you feel crampy.
anonymous
Did your doctor recommend that you wean off? When I stopped taking it, I just stopped. It did take a month or two for things to regulate.
cbackson
You shouldn’t be having a cycle on the pill, so I’m not sure what “over-suppressing” means in this context. It is common with long-term use of hormonal BC that your withdrawal bleeding would become very light (and for a decent number of women, nearly non-existent) but the entire point of BC is that you aren’t having a cycle. Have you been taking continuous BC or do you have monthly sugar pills?
Anonymous
Not necessarily. There are many different pills and they don’t all stop your cycle. I’ve been on the pill for several year and continue to have my cycle. In fact, the reason my doctor suggested I take it was to help me have a regular cycle.
Anonymous
A “regular cycle” includes ovulation, and the entire point of birth control pills is to stop ovulation . . . so
cbackson
If by “cycle,” you mean ovulation, I would be interested in hearing more about this because birth control pills are literally designed to suppress ovulation. That is how they work. There is a higher likelihood of continued ovulation on the mini-pill, but it isn’t a predictable function of the pill and the significant majority of women who use the mini-pill will not ovulate. You can’t determine who will keep ovulating on the mini-pill and nor can you determine if it will happen consistently or just sporadically.
When doctors prescribe the pill to help regulate your cycle, what they’re typically doing is trying to regulate shedding of the endometrium. The pill will manage the bleeding, but it will not manage ovulation because it is designed to stop ovulation.
cbackson
I should add that I really wish the information out there on using birth control was clearer on the whole “regulate your cycle” point, because lack of information about how hormonal BC pills work leads to a lot of anxiety for many women and a lot of pregnancy scares in circumstances when there actually is a close-to-zero risk of pregnancy. I used to do a lot of volunteer s*x education, and a lot of people are very confused about this.
It’s right up there with the whole “do you want to run your debit card as credit?” thing in confusing the public (I know, ridiculous pet peeve…but in case you’re confused, “run as credit” just means “run using a method that only requires a signature, not a PIN.” It’s still debiting from your bank account, not from a line of credit.)
Anon
+1 “over-suprressing” is not a thing
anon
I think (though can’t tell for sure), that by “cycle” OP meant it was suppressing her “period” or monthly withdrawal bleeding.
OP
It was! thanks for clarifying. I saw some comments a couple years ago and thought “period” was actually not allowed through moderation.
busybee
I don’t think weaning is a thing. I just didn’t start a new cycle after the week of placebo pills. Going off the pill doesn’t really cause symptoms. It just allows your body’s natural hormones to affect you the way they normally would. I started getting some acne on my chin. It’s not a “symptom” of going off the pill, it’s caused by an increase in progesterone during the second half of my cycle that had previously been suppressed by the pill. I know every woman is different, but the 2 week period of chin acne is the only negative I’ve experienced.
Anon
Are you concerned that when you go off birth control, you’re going to get PMS symptoms now that you’ll be getting your period? If so, my best advice is to eat well and fit in 2-3 sessions of HIIT exercise the week before your period. It makes a huge difference in my PMS symptoms. If I’m able to fit in a couple hard workouts the week before my period, I have way less bloating, no mood issues, no cramping, and a light/short period. Avoiding sugar and eating lots of vegetables and beans also seems to help me. When I’m really on point, I can avoid PMS symptoms completely.
anon
I haven’t ever heard of *weaning* off of it and also haven’t heard that not having withdrawal bleeding is a problem (but admit that could be my ignorance). I quit taking the pill on a whim 10ish years ago. No significant symptoms other than the return of normal period and PMS stuff.
Anomanom
are you thinking you want to conceive soon? I only ask because if, like me, you are miserable when you are on your cycle and prone to cysts, unless you want kids soon I think you should find a new doctor. After a few different pills and being unable to handle the emotional roller coaster of the pills, or the guaranteed cysts when not on the pills, I got a very low dose hormonal IUD and have not had a period or a cyst in 4 years. Not one, it has been life changing. And when I went to have it replaced earlier this year I asked if we needed to let a period happen I was told it was not a concern. Now, I say all that with I do not want kids so long term fertility is not a concern for me, so the doctors guidance may have changed were i concerned about that.
MiniPill Survivor
I was recently switched from my regular lovely birth control to the “mini pill” which I absolutely hated. I decided to quit cold turkey instead of adjust to a new medicine because may start TTC in the next 6 months or so. Will be using condoms in the meanwhile
I had a terrible first period- severe cramps, backache, legs ached, constipation–you name it. I drank a lot of tea, kept a hot water bottle with me all day long, and generally took it easy. These symptoms lasted about two to three days.
I broke out on my face terribly. It’s been almost a month and my face is finally clearing out.
I am sure I had mood swings too but I had to deal with the death of my grandmother so not something I tracked.
Despite all that, I would do it all over again because I generally feel so much better than I was when I was on the mini-pill
PolyD
I don’t understand why doctors seem to think it’s such a bad thing to be on the Pill for years and years. If it’s messing with your blood pressure or giving you migraines or symptoms of possible clotting issues, yes, by all means get off the Pill.
But “over-suppressing”?? What even does that mean? There’s no health issues with not having a period. In days gone by, women had far, far fewer periods than we do now because they were pregnant or nursing for far more of their lives than we generally do. I really don’t understand why doctors, who really should know better, worry so much about how many periods a woman has.
Also, it is totally possible to get pregnant right away once you get off the Pill. I have a couple of friends who went off the Pill, thought they weren’t getting their periods, but that was because they were pregnant. The only reason doctors tell you to go off the Pill and wait a cycle before trying to get pregnant is because it makes it easier to date the pregnancy.
Anon
+1 People have some really weird, wrong ideas about how taking the pill affects your body.
Counterpoint
Counterpoint: the pill can mask some medical red flags. I was put on the pill young due to seriously irregular periods. Turns out the irregularity was a giant red flag and symptom of what ended up being major fertility issues.
There can be a benefit to knowing what your body’s unmedicated rhythm is. If I could do it all over, I would have still taken the pill at 16 but I also would have done a 6-12 month stint without the pill sometime in my 20s because that would have revealed all sorts of things that weren’t uncovered until I was TTC at 33.
counterpoint +1
same as counterpoint, except i was on the mirena IUD. the absence of periods was a normal side-effect of the IUD, but it masked hypothalamic amenorrhea.
Bonus Buy
Bonuses have come and while I plan to devote the vast majority to loans and retirement, I like to set aside up to $750 for some good, service, or procedure that will buy me more time back and personally to recognize and reward myself for the effort achieving it. (Also, research suggests that saving + a dedicated expenditure can be more effective for good long term behavior setting that just saving.)
I’m taking suggestions! In the past I treated myself to: laser hair removal (I’d grade it a B+ and consider it a successful such splurge that has reduced, though not stoped one of my least favorite personal care chores); some months of meal prep from Blue Apron and Hello Fresh (D, not time saving and lots of waste); and a cleaner subscription through Handy (B-, I think a dedicated person you trust would be better. I didn’t like random people in my home, so I needed to be there and found the service variable).
Any good other ideas? (Single, no kids/pets, big law, HCOL city). Thanks!
AFT
This is a fun question! Would a grocery delivery service be helpful to you? I have become a devoted Amazon Fresh user as I love being able to place my order on Thursday and have groceries waiting at my doorstep Friday evening or Saturday morning. Cost is probably less than what you have budgeted for — Fresh is $15/mo. plus some groceries may be more expensive; not sure on other services.
Trying a different house cleaner would also be a good option – maybe get a referral rather than going through a service?
Is there any single project you want to tackle and don’t have time to – like organizing one particular room, photos, etc.? Could you throw money at that and hire a professional organizer?
Last: if your eating/food is something you’d like to change/improve, what about working with a dietitian/personal chef service to come up with a meal plan that you can DIY? I totally feel you with Blue Apron/Hello Fresh on waste and time — I had the same experience and have found that a fried egg with avocado for dinner for me is perfectly fine, a lot cheaper, and doesn’t generate waste in the same way that any of the services do.
anon a mouse
Personal chef 1-2x a week to prepare a healthy dinner. Ideally they would prepare 3-4 servings so you could enjoy the leftovers. Some chefs will cook off-site and just deliver to you — I’d do that.
Or, hire a personal assistant for 8-10 hours a week to do all the timesuck errands for you — dry cleaning, grocery shopping, picking out birthday presents, organizing photos, etc.
C
If it were me I’d use some of it for a Brazilian Blowout. I got one a few years ago and it was a total game changer for my hair type- cut down my morning styling time to almost zero! I can’t justify the cost of the treatment currently, but if I had $750 and wanted to use it to save time/make my life easier, this would definitely be my first priority.
Legally Brunette
– Reliable housecleaner (get a referral from your neighborhood list serve, should be the same team every time)
– Makeup consultation/application at Sephora or Nordstrom Beauty
– Visit with derm to get an anti-aging regimen plan together
– Facials every other month with extractions
– If you don’t like doing laundry, a wash and fold service like Rinse
Anon
Not a service but I would book a spa extravaganza and really treat myself.
Anon
Spend it on exercise classes or equipment for a hobby, not on random meals and haircuts you don’t need. If you truly want to invest in yourself, take care of your health and don’t give in to consumerism.
Anonymama
For many people, those “random meals” would actually translate to eating healthier, better food, and thus would be taking care of health more than consumerism (which, I mean, exercise classes or hobby equipment also would be?)
Lobbyist
A massage once a month for the year. (or as many months as $750 will cover)
Houda
– A multi-session personal training package B-, after these sessions, life got in the way and I feel too awkward going to the gym because that PT is so pushy and I can’t afford another package
– Recurring splurgy spa thing e.g. facial, medical pedicure. A, if it is pre-paid and booked, I will go. Also a medical pedicure lasts ages
– A trustworthy cleaning service. A+++. Nothing compares to coming home to a clean space and only doing some maintenance
Allie
In my HCOL city neighborhood listserv there were often requests for recommendations for Indian home chefs, it seemed like a common service (someone comes to your house and cooks dinner a couple of times a week). I personally would LOVE that.
Anon
As a PSA, this dress is available at Bloomingdale’s for quite a bit less.
Anon
Cheaper still from Reiss directly (sub $200)
emeralds
Quick rec request…favorite lunch spot in DC in the Chinatown/Mt Vernon Square area? Ideally it would be someplace I can camp out to work for a bit as well. If that doesn’t exist, got a favorite coffee shop?
Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
If you want something a little different, try Shouk (Middle Eastern vegetarian). Usually it would be busy for lunch and probably not campable, but since shutdown ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Chinatown Coffee Co. will be a five minute walk away and you could work there.
emeralds
Ooh Shouk looks really good! I’ll have a heavy conference meal later in the day, so that could be perfect. Thanks!
Anon
My favorite place in that area is A Baked Joint. The food is amazing and it has a casual coffee house vibe.
rosie
I’m a fan as well, but I don’t think they have wifi or good cell signal, if you need that to work.
emeralds
Ha…ended up at A Baked Joint because I decided I wanted a sandwich, found a nice spot to post up, and then got clobbered by the lack of wifi. Have decamped to a coffee shop.
But I did have a really delicious sandwich!
anon a mouse
Teaism. Plenty of space on the lower level to camp out. (But keep a close eye on your personal belongings.)
Wow
Teaism is nice and casual but not sure how long you could camp out there. Maybe in the downstairs area. Food is wonderful.
emeralds
Thanks everyone!
DLC
Not a coffee shop per se, but I love working at the tables at the Kogod courtyard between the American Art Museum and the Portrait Gallery- light filled and quiet. I think you can bring snacks, or there might even be a snack bar there.
I definitely second Shouk. One of my favorite places to eat.
Pompom
Oh, yes, the Kogod courtyard is one of my happiest happy serene places. There’s coffee and snacks (and wine!) available in a snackbar, and its well-located for the neighborhood.
emeralds
Ooh, cool. I would never have thought about going there to work, but I know exactly where you mean! I’ll have some time to kill on Thursday so I may go camp out if they’ve got wifi.
Anonymous
The museum is closed because of the shut down.
anon
Does anyone have a recommendation for cute black booties that have ideally no heel at all, or at most a tiny heel? I’m looking for something to wear at work, but am finding a lot with chunky heels. I walk a lot and my feet hate me for any extra pressure put on my toes. Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
I have some from Sorrel (Lolla cut-out) that have a 1″ heel. Highly recommend for comfort. Not terribly formal, but if you pull up the Lolla on Zappos, similar ones will pop up.
Houda
I am currently wearing flat booties from Birkenstocks, the style is “Collins”
I have problematic feet with bunions, high arches and a plethora of issues. These are quite comfy but require a couple wears to break-in like all Birkenstocks
Anonymous
Softball Frontier. So comfy and they even come in widths.
Anonymous
Sorry, meant to recommend the Softwalk Rocklin. The Frontier has a heel.
Miss
I like my Sam Edelman Petty booties, which are pretty flat. I also have Frye Reina booties that have a fairly small heel and look more formal for work.
Legally Brunette
I love love my Blondos, the have a very slight heel. They are waterproof and are great to use as rain boots as well. Very comfortable.
Jane
Please help a frustrated lady out! I’m already very curvy, 36 G on a petite frame and recently have gained a LOT of weight in my stomach area. As in it protrudes even further beyond my massive bu$t! Looking for tops/dresses/pants that I can wear to work (business casual) that make me not look pregnant! Also any health or fashion tips that have worked for you to deal with this!
Anonymous
If the weight loss is unexplained, definitely see your doctor! If, like me, it’s from too much food and wine, I’ve had success with shift dresses and no wine.
Owl Lover
I have the same problem. But, its due to my love of cheese and potatoes and that aging metabolism. And I discovered Hawaiian pizza and Julia Childs cookbooks last year.
I wear lots of fit and flare dresses. I love a princess seam on my top half. I wish I could just search for princess seam dresses with circle skirts and I would be golden. Pants are impossible. I welcome pants suggestions. I have found shopping at places like the Loft have provided me with some skirt options that disguise the potato belly. Tighter blouses that can be tucked into flared skirts that have nice waistbands that nip in the waist are good. Really anything that can over emphasis the hour glass part.
I also am on day 7 of my 30 day yoga journey, and… still have a potato belly. Maybe by the end of the month it’ll dissipate.
dc
Any recommendations for a dentist in DC? I would particularly love one who takes Blue Cross insurance (specifically, the federal employee plan)? The find-a-provider tool on the BCBS website is a mess. Thanks!
Two Cents
Where in DC are you? I really like Modern Dentistry in Tenleytown.
Pompom
Closeby but not metro accessible (Spring Valley, so parking): Dr Teny Abrahamian. Behind Crate and Barrel.
Anon
Go to Dr. Luis Barr in south Dupont/north Farragut! I’ve been going to him for several years now and have recommended him to a gazillion people. He’s a great dentist, I love my hygienist, and the office is fantastically well-run.
anon
Dr Mabry in Arlington. Metro-accessible and excellent customer service.
Anon
Does anyone have a robot vacuum you can recommend? I’m tempted to take the plunge now that the tech has been out for a while. I mostly want it to take care of random bits of dirt and cat hair on single-level hardwood, although if it worked on the carpet upstairs, that would be nice too.
Anon
Ooh I love my roomba. I have the roomba 675 upstairs and I just got a roomba 960 for downstairs. The difference is that the 675 is a “bump and turn” model – basically it is blind and just crisscrosses the room bumping into things and turning – while the 960 is a smarter roomba that”learns” the room.
I needed the smart roomba for downstairs because it’s big with lots of doorways and the bump and was not covering it and getting lost before she could return to her base and recharge. The downstairs smart roomba can pause to recharge and then automatically resume a job.
I run the 675 every day in my bedroom and am still amazed at how much she picks up every day. It has really helped my allergies.
In-House in Houston
We love ours. But it’s not the thing that you just leave and forget about it. We have dogs, so we mostly use it in our bedroom where it’ll go under our bed and dressers. We have hardwood floors with a few throw rugs and it maneuver’s great. Our bedroom is fairly large, but we pick up the dog begs so that it can mostly pick up dog hair. If you have a lot of furniture in your room, it might not work so great.
Gail the Goldfish
Just remember that (assuming you don’t check everywhere before turning on the vacuum), if you have a cat and there is a hairball or something, robot vacuum cleaners will track the hairball everywhere…
Stati
We bought a Shark Ion (not sure on the number/model, it was purchased from walmart for about $170 about a month ago). We have a dog, two kids under three, and run it in a 3 level house (2 levels with carpet and one with hardwoods). I think for your purposes, you would be very happy with the Shark. It does an awesome job at cleaning hardwoods and low-pile rugs. Also surprised at how it does with cleaning entryway rugs (ribbed/gridded). Just make sure you pick up any stray cat toys or whatever before running it :) It works well for maintenance cleaning between the housekeepers coming (very good at picking up dog hair, dirt, cheerios, etc) and saves us from having to vacuum or sweep every week.
It does pick up big pieces of whatever on carpet, but it’s noisier and I don’t think it does as good of a job on carpet of picking up dog hair and grit as it does on hardwood.
I would def recommend going for it, though — wish we would have bought it sooner.
Candidate
I have a Roomba for the same task. We just replaced one of the wheels, IMHO a big advantage of the Roombas is that replacement parts are available and not super expensive.
Ecovacs
I love my Ecovacs Deebot R79S. It has great suction and rarely gets stuck. It is as effective as the Roomba I used to have, and costs much less. You can control it with a smart phone app, Amazon Alexa, or the included remote. Reviews compare it favorably to Shark and Roomba models.
anon
I think most of them work on hard floors and carpet. I just got a Roomba 690 for Christmas. It is a bump-and-turn model and is definitely less efficient because of that. It does a great job picking up dog hair and grass I track in on my shoes. It transitions really well from the carpeted bedrooms to the hard floor, but won’t (usually) climb up onto my thick living room rug. The kind that learn the room would be more fun (and more efficient) but I’ve been surprised how well bump-and-turn covers the room. I do have a cleaning service come every two weeks, though, so count on them to pick up the slack. The Roomba is intended to cover the times between so I don’t have to sweep the floor every few days. My new routine is to shut it in my bedroom and run a cycle, shut it in the main area of my apartment (using one of their virtual walls to wall off the thick rug) and run a cycle, and shut it in the office and run a cycle. Also, it’s worth noting that it’s noisy enough that you probably want to be behind a closed door while it runs (or not home).
Anonymous
My derm took a biopsy this morning and she’s pretty sure it will come back as positive for basal cell carcinoma. I know this isn’t a type of cancer that’s dangerous or life-threatening but what is the removal procedure like? It’s in a pretty visible part of my chest so I’m a bit worried about scarring.
Mrs. Jones
I had two spots removed from my chest with a laser and have two scars. One is barely visible and the other is fairly visible.
Anonymous
Depending on where and how deep it is they may do a MOHS surgery – I had one done on my ear (early stage melanoma, so they were a bit more cautious than with other types). My derm referred me to a plastic surgeon who only does this type of procedure & is great about minimizing scarring/reconstruction if needed. If you do have a MOHS done, I would ask for a specialist. My normal derm is great, but not nearly as skilled.
As far as the removal, they numb you up extremely well and take a small as possible out, test it to see if the edges are clean (specific to MOHS only) and then once they’re happy will close the incision with either glue, sutures or tape. Mine was painless until the next day.
Coach Laura
I had a basal cell carcinoma on the side of my nose. Very prominent place. Had MOHS with a plastic surgeon and it’s almost invisible.
Anon
My wife had the Mohs procedure done on her nose by a plastic surgeon for this. Can’t see a scar, and no recurrence. All in all it was an easy procedure.
Colette
This. If it’s in a visible place get it removed from a plastic surgeon. My mom had a large-ish spot removed from her face by a plastic surgeon and you can’t even tell.
Anon
There have been a lot of posts out there about dating lately and the comment that one dating coach is just going to tell women to lower their standards kind of stuck with me.
Your standards should be “treats me well,” “does not abuse animals,” “is not an addict,” and things like that.
If your standards are “must make more than me,” “is at least 6’ tall,” “must have masters degree or higher,” and other things like that, yes I think you should lower your standards. You may think you can’t have a relationship with, say, a contractor with some junior college, but you don’t know that until you meet him.
Anonymous
Thanks for that. Did anyone ask you? Are you dating or married to a man you’re not attracted to? Do you have some reason to believe most of us here have shallow standards?
No
She’s referring to the recent conversation on this forum where we discussed a particular dating coach who has told women to lower their standards. She’s not accusing most of us of having shallow standards. You can search for the original conversation.
nona
It was the Friday afternoon/weekend one from the 4th, fwiw.
Anonymous
Sure, I agree with you. Waiting for someone who has a job I can respect (not necessarily making more than me) and to whom I’m physically attracted, because to me part of that is being taller than me, is not unreasonable nor superficial. Each of us has different “must haves” and no one on a blog should be judging whether those are valid or not.
Rainbow Hair
My concern — not necessarily with you, 11:18, but generally on here, is that the limits of “job I can respect” and “to whom I am physically attracted” etc. are perhaps much more externally influenced than we notice.
Can you respect the job of a construction engineer? How about a construction worker? What if they have a fancier name, like “mason”? Why or why not? When we first got together, I thought I wouldn’t marry the guy I’m married to partially because of what he did for a living, and how I knew the lawyers I worked with would judge him, and me for being with him. Guess what! Those people were superficial jerks, and my husband is awesome.
Sometimes I think readers here respond strongly to people who say “XYZ is not a superficial reason to dismiss someone!” because it’s us or our beloved who you’d be dismissing. So many of the women on here wouldn’t give my husband a second glance (well, they would because he’s hawt, but you know what I mean) when they heard about his career. And so readers (me, sometime?) can hear, “getting with [the person you love] was lowering your standards” and that stinks.
Anonymous
I’m so glad you’re happy with your hot husband. This is classic smugmarried.
Rainbow Hair
Really? The fact that everyone saying “eeeew, no graduate degree, i’d never settle for that” sometimes hurts my feelings is classic smugmarried?
anon
I have never seen anyone say “eeeeew, no graduate degree, I’d never settle for that.”
When this topic comes up, I am generally impressed by the way people respond by focusing on things like ambition, drive, and values rather than quantitative status-y aspects like salary, job title, or what kind of alphabet soup her SO has behind his name.
The part she was calling smugmarried was the my husband’s so hot and everyone would want him part. I love your posts here, I’m not trying to be rude, but I think you know that’s what she’s referring to.
Rainbow Hair
Yeah, I was being tongue in cheek — and the point is that most of the folks here would say, “he has a two-year degree from a local college and works [blue collar] whatever?” and never consider him, but since i used “second glance” language I threw in an aside about how he looks when you glance at him (to my mind anyway)… anyway, clearly a joke isn’t good if you have to explain it. So consider it withdrawn :-P
And 11:18 clearly said she wants someone who “has a job I can respect” which necessarily means there are people who have jobs she can’t respect … and I am struggling to think of how that is not a cruel thing to say, because which jobs are and aren’t worthy of respect? (And I am certain my husband’s jobs would fall into her ‘cannot respect’ category, which … well.)
Airplane
The fact that so many women on this board wouldn’t give your husband a second glance is fine. The fact that you did and don’t view it as settling is also fine. Good for you, not for them.
Rainbow Hair
Of course! Certainly no one should date someone they don’t respect or aren’t attracted to, but people should consider why they consider certain professions worthy of respect and certain people attractive.
Anonymous
Can we please trust women to know their own minds. Saying, my standards are XYZ is the same thing as saying, I would rather be single than date someone who lacks XYZ. That is 100% my choice. Being happy with my life as is (i.e., single) does not mean there’s something wrong with me.
Anon
Good for you. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking about several posts lately from women who are feeling depressed about the dating pool and wondering what they should do differently.
Anon
I’ve literally never met a woman in her 30s (or late 20s) who is single because she has “stupid standards.” Women are single because it’s hard out there, and there aren’t that many men who are looking for a true partner, not someone to take care of him. I’ve also been reading those post and nothing in them suggest that the women’s standards are too high.
Anon
I literally have met those women and i don’t believe you haven’t.
Airplane
Nope. Truly haven’t. And the fact that some single women here have expressed their disappointment does not mean their standards are too high. OP’s original comment is simply not helpful.
anon
So why is the answer, in your mind, “lower your standards”? What makes you think that’s their issue? <–this is why you're getting push back. Bigger picture: Why on earth should my only standards for a relationship be that he's not an actively harmful human? You're telling me that my standards for a person to whom I am going to literally legally bind myself and commit for LIFE–are that he's not an animal abuser or addict? Come on. What's the point of being in a relationship then? I have a great life. I will only make a commitment to someone who really adds a lot to my life. Being in a relationship with a person who doesn't push your buttons is worse than not being in a relationship. Single women aren't trying to enforce some type of assortive mating system where people who rank 8 in career, 9 in looks, and 7 in humor match up with others who rank 8 in career, 9 in looks, and 7 in humor. People are looking for compatibility and connection. Those things are really difficult to find, especially as you get older. I am also depressed about the dating pool (on occasion) because it's hard to find that person.
Anon
All I’m saying is go on a f%*+ing date. I’m not saying you have to marry someone you go on a single date with. Come on
anon
That’s not at all what you were saying. You’re being an absolute jerk for no reason. Why are you SO invested in telling single women (whom you don’t even know) that they’re Wrong?
Airplane
I don’t have to go on a a f%*+ing date with someone I KNOW doesn’t meet my standards. Wonderful if you met a short/blue collar/whatever diamond in the rough guy by throwing away your standards or you feel insecure or whatever because women here have certain standards. That’s great for you, not for me.
In fact, I met my great wonderful guy online who meets all my standards exactly because I wasn’t wasting time with guys who didn’t meet my standards.
DCR
Sorry, the reason that i’m still singles is not because my “standards” are too high. Unless by that, do you mean “standards“ such as respectful to women, not a racist, will be a true partner, wants to be an active father, etc.
Not helpful, and offensive
Shopaholic
I’m honestly not sure why you posted this, if you actually think this is helpful and what makes you think you have the right to judge what is reasonable for each individual woman.
FWIW, my standards are high because my life is good. I would like to find a partner (a true partner) but I don’t need someone so why would I be with someone who does not add to that and may detract from that? (i.e. I have seen too many posts on here about people married to man-children and I am not interested in having that in my life).
Anon
Interesting that you think a man-child is more likely to come from the non college degree/blue collar/maybe less than 6’ crowd. My experience has been that the most man-babyish men I’ve met have been extremely privileged.
anon
She never ever drew a connection between education/height and man-babyness. She was simply explaining what her version of high standards— she did not mention education or height.
Are you a man who just got rejected for not having finished college or something??
Anon
I think you can have one or two higher standards or preferences, but you have to decide what’s really important to you. Instead of “has a masters degree or higher”, think “intellectually stimulating”. You have to figure out the core of what you’re looking for without putting such a fine point on it.
anonymous re dating coach
I’m the person who posted about using a dating coach. I think this comment at 11:40 AM sums up where I ultimately ended up with standards and preferences. That particular coach does argue against restricting yourself to super tall, super-high-income, etc., but I think that’s a strawman argument. I don’t know anyone who dates like that.
For whatever it’s worth, my boyfriend found me in part because he’d used “has a masters degree or higher” as one of his search criteria. If that’s an important proxy for values for you, I think you should use that as a potential filter.
Worry about yourself
I don’t know anyone who does either. I’m sure they exist, of course, but when I think of standards, things like how he treats me, how he treats others, and how our values match up are the first things that come to mind. My cousin once told me, when I was recovering from a breakup, that her life coach had been talking to her about “limiting expectations” in relationships, implying that my standards were also too high. In hindsight? They weren’t high enough! I put up with so much bullcarp in my relationships up until my late 20’s, what I should have done was nope right out of all of them before they had a chance to hurt me.
When I met my current boyfriend, I was amazed. I didn’t realize guys this great even existed.
Anon
Ok my friend who is dating a blue collar guy in the movie industry says the same thing. “I didn’t realize guys this great even existed.” She didn’t meet him online, she met him through friends. I don’t think he would have made it through her filters online.
Monday
I think even the “fine point on it” is perfectly valid, if you’re looking for someone who has the same attributes as you have.
For example, if a woman has an advanced degree and makes 6 figures, I think it’s understandable if (IF) she’s looking for the same in a partner, AND would rather be single than compromise. This isn’t about expecting a breadwinner or whatever. If it’s part of her sense of who makes an equal partner for her, that’s her prerogative.
Anonymous
Right then you have to accept that you are single by choice in that situation and not complain about being single. Our neighbor is a SAHD with a science degree, his wife is a doctor who heads one of the departments at our local hospital. They have three kids, he’s great at organizing neighborhood activities. If she only looked for guys with more than a undergrad or who made 6 figures. She’d be single. Single is totally fine if that’s what someone wants but if they don’t want that, letting go of preconceived notions about who your partner ‘should’ be is important.
Anon
I have an advanced degree and make six figures and ideally wanted that in a partner, but ended up marrying someone who has neither. I think I get what she’s saying – when I started out I had ideas about what I wanted, but I also wanted to actually go out with people rather than trawl my match list and sigh. Plus you know, you can’t really tell some things until you actually meet people in person. Like sure, you could message someone about their job, but it’s kind of stilted and shallow to do it right off the bat and even after you meet you have no idea if that dude working at that pharma company makes 50k or 200k (if he tells you, you probably don’t want to date him). It’s not that I settled by expanding my criteria, I was being more open-minded. Nice to have isn’t need to have. Plus when it comes down to it, I don’t feel that my partner is below me because he doesn’t make as much money, you know?
Airplane
On the other hand, I had those same ideals in a partner and I think it was worth it to wait to find the right guy. I found him! I’m so glad I didn’t settle for a different guy or burn out online by agreeing to go on dates with guys that I could tell didn’t meet my standards. It’s fine that both you and I met our person, I don’t think the women on here really benefit more or less from hearing either of our stories to be honest. the truth is a lot of it is luck and timing and there isn’t any advice that is one size fits all, which is what the original comment implied.
Worry about yourself
This is a good guideline. How your partner treats you is important and you should ignore anyone who tells you to compromise on that, and things like how they treat others, their own level of personal responsibility, etc. are also important. Placing importance on income level and height is going to complicate things unnecessarily, HOWEVER, I think there is value in looking for someone with passion, ambition, and a sense of direction in their life.
anon
Oh thank god. I was concerned that I’d made it almost until noon and hadn’t been told how I wasn’t *womaning* properly.
Anon
Literally none of the recent posts about dating have been like this. But thanks for trying to make all of us who are single feel like cr@p. I hope that made you feel better.
Anon
I agree completely. I’m 6’ tall. If I only dated men taller than me, I’d have had a much smaller dating pool. My wonderful husband is 5’8”. A lot of my GFs were shocked when we started dating (“but he’s so short!”) and are now jealous of our long, happy relationship. I think everyone should have standards and not feel like they’re settling, but a lot of people set really arbitrary limits on height, income, education and age, and I think that does them a disservice.
Anonymous
+1000000 as a 5’10 woman married to a 5’9″ guy.
VioletteJ
Late to the party, but as a 5’8″ woman married to a wonderful 5’3″ guy, I completely agree. Yes, my husband is short. But I do feel a little hurt on his behalf every time I hear people say they could never “settle” for someone less than 6′ tall. I certainly don’t feel like I settled.
Anonymous
“treats me well” and “does not abuse animals” are just markers of human decency, not “standards” for dating. I get the point of trying to avoid swiping left on people who may not be immediately physically attractive or who don’t list a high-paying career in their profile.
If I met the perfect person but who made $40k (in my very HCOL city), would I give it a shot? Likely yes. Am I allowed to have a “standard” of considering a guy’s job and career path? Absolutely and I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.
Anonymous
Agree that values compatability is super important but to be more opened minded about appearance and interests.
All my exes were taller than me with dark hair and clean shaven. DH is the same height, blond and has a beard. Also thought I hated winter sports until he introduced me to skiing and snowshoeing – turns out I was just really bad at dressing in appropriate layers. Now I can’t wait for fresh snow. Being open to new people and experiences is a great way to approach life, romantic or otherwise.
Another anon
This struck me as an odd post. Mostly because the OP is all over this thread with a really aggressive, almost hostile tone. The point seems to be “oh you don’t get to be bummed about being single if you have any parameters at all around what you’re looking for.” Not sure how that’s helpful to anyone.
Anon
I’m OP. I didn’t do all the responses. Also, I think If you read what I actually wrote, I’m just suggesting people be open minded.
Anon
Thanks for that brilliant advice that nobody has ever thought of before.
anon
LOL okay sure, OP.
Anon
01/08/2019 AT 11:43 AM
Good for you. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking about several posts lately from women who are feeling depressed about the dating pool and wondering what they should do differently.
————————————
Anon
01/08/2019 AT 12:13 PM
All I’m saying is go on a f%*+ing date. I’m not saying you have to marry someone you go on a single date with. Come on.
Worry about yourself
Yeah, for real, I really regret giving Anon here the benefit of the doubt. I figured I’d missed something, or whatever.
Anon, I’m willing to bet someone you care about is really frustrated she can’t find anyone, it breaks your heart to see her dealing with this and you may be emotionally exhausted being her shoulder to cry on, so you’re thinking you’d like to spare others the same aggravation, is that it maybe? I want to believe this is coming from a kind place, and that you genuinely care and want to help people, but your comments following the start of this thread have in fact been overly aggressive, you’ve made some really uncharitable and insulting assumptions about the people here whom you’ve never met, and while your intentions may have been to show kindness, your responses to undesired comments have been very UN-kind, to say the least.
Booties Like These?
I saw these in person over the weekend and loved them. I’d like something similar for work but with a lower heel. 3+ inches is just too much for me (and my hems). Does anyone know of anything similar? And by similar, I mean the design with the little cut-out at the top front and wrap-effect. Thanks!!
https://www.dillards.com/p/jessica-simpson-layra-leather-envelope-shooties/508541675?di=05576540_zi_black
Anon
Have y’all seen today’s Google Doodle? It’s cute! (I didn’t quite get it at first – but it was drawn by a second grader who wants to be a paleontologist when she grows up :) )
BabyAssociate
Adorable and great drawing skills!
January
Love it!! Thank you.
Anon
Oh yay, thanks for the tip!
Cookbooks
Too cute! I needed a smile this morning. Thanks for sharing.
Business card cases?
Does anyone have a business card case they love and would recommend? I’ve been using a free one I got from a law school for doing a talk there and I’d like one that’s a bit more formal. It does need to fit into a tote pocket.
anon
If you need it to fit into a slim pocket, you may not need a case. I use a bright colored leather (Kate Spade?) case in my purse to protect them from getting banged up and prefer the leather over metal because the metal ones seem to scratch my cards.
Anon
I have this one and I like it very much, especially because it’s only $7. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01DPSL0FM/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Jules
I like the metal ones, haven’t had a problem with damage to my cards. I have a few – one for my purse and for each of 2 or 3 briefcases – from Etsy or elsewhere that are inlaid/filigreed/fancy, just because. But Amazon has tons, from fancy to pretty simple. This one is simply but still stylish, IMO
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00IRUCQAM/ref=twister_B07BZ4LRWN?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Godzilla
I have a bunch but I always wind up resorting to binder clips.
anon
Are there any good makeup/beauty websites geared more toward women in their late 30s/early 40s? Something like Refinery 29, but less … young? I like some of their stuff, but it’s clearly geared toward somebody in a different stage of life than I’m in.
HSAL
Wardrobe Oxygen talks about her makeup/skincare fairly often, and she has a weekly profile of women of varying ages/ethnicities who share their beauty routines.
cat socks
I like Wardrobe Oxygen and Makeup and Beauty Blog. Also the following YouTube channels:
Hot and Flashy
Risa Does Makeup
Stephanie Marie
Lisa J
Anon
I would like this too (and for non-professional style stuff as well). This blog is good for professional clothing, but I struggle with more casual clothing. I would like to find some style resources that trend more urban hipster than suburban mom.
Leah
I highly recommend Reddit’s “30PlusSkinCare” group. Lots of personal reviews with up-close facial photos, and the few promoted/shady suggestions are dealt with quickly.
Anon
Thanks for this. I knew about skincareaddiction but not this one. Will follow.
I also suggest following estee laundry on Instagram to keep track of some of the bigger skin care marketing scams.
Kk
Forever35 Podcast and affiliated facebook group
Anonymous
Looking for a portable foundation compact for touchups during the day. What do you keep in your bag? Liquid or powder? My forehead tends to get shiny, and my skin is somewhat ruddy and uneven from the winter’s cold.
Anonymous
I use blotting papers to cut down on the shininess instead of adding more makeup on top.
anon
I keep Colorscience powder sunscreen in my purse. It’s a bit big (I never carry it in a smaller purse at night) but does provide some foundation-type coverage and is a powder so also cuts the shine.
cat socks
I use blotting paper and MAC Blot Powder for touch ups during the day.
Anonymous
I like cushion compacts for this. The Missha one is great.
OP with update from last week
OP here from last week’s post asking for input on timing of resignation notice…I took the advice of several in the hive to wait for firm confirmation of start date/onboarding from new employer before resigning from current position. Although this has resulted in me providing shorter notice to current employer, this was definitely the right way to go and taught me to look out for number one first….I start new job on Monday and I’m very excited! Thank you to all who cautioned me to be careful – better safe than sorry! Thank you, thank you, thank you and Happy New Year!
OP from last week
OP here from last week’s post asking for input on timing of resignation notice…I took the advice of several in the hive to wait for firm confirmation of start date/onboarding from new employer before resigning from current position. Although this has resulted in me providing shorter notice to current employer, this was definitely the right way to go and taught me to look out for number one first….I start new job on Monday and I’m very excited! Thank you to all who cautioned me to be careful – better safe than sorry! Thank you, thank you, thank you and Happy New Year!
Anon
Congratulations on your new position! It is so nice when things work out.
Anon
For some reason, this morning it hit me that it’s been five years since I graduated from grad school and I think because I’m job hunting, I thought about it in terms of “MPP and five years experience.” It was a weird way to think about it for me because I vividly remember the time between undergrad and grad school when I was a barista making minimum wage and just so unsure about how I would ever get a “real” job. And now I’ve had “real” jobs for five years and 2012 me would be so proud of where I am. It was a really nice reminder that I have made a lot of progress and put in a lot of hard work that has paid off, especially at a time when I’ve been really struggling with feeling like I’m never doing enough or accomplishing enough.
Rainbow Hair
Ah, this is a lovely thought. I think [mumbledy] years ago me would be pretty tickled to see where I am now.
anon
I’m 38 and thinking about letting myself go gray. I had only a handful of grays until I was pregnant at 34, and since then, they’ve multiplied quickly. I went from getting my hair colored every 12 weeks just for fun, to every 8 out of necessity, and now, every 4-6. My colored hair looks great, but I am tired of the expense and upkeep. I also don’t like how dark the roots are after a fresh color (they look fine by week 2). As I age, I’ve noticed my eyebrow color naturally turning lighter — though not gray. So, at some point, this is going to start looking ridiculous unless I start dyeing those or committing to daily brow gel.
Am I crazy for considering this? I really have no idea if I’m going to be one of those lucky people with a young face + gray hair, or if I’m just going to look haggard and like I let myself go. (I truly hate that phrase, but that’s the truth of it.) I have blue eyes and light skin and could easily end up looking like a younger version of my grandmother. Part of me thinks it would be easier to go through the transition now, in my thirties, than to keep dyeing my hair for another 15-20, and THEN transitioning to gray.
If I do this, I need tips on how to realistically pull it off. My natural color is a medium brown with gray streaks, but I dye it darker and redder. I’ve gotten more compliments on this color than any other I’ve had — it would be hard to give that up, honestly. I know my hair will look terrrrrible during the first few months of growing it out. But since I have a long pixie cut, I’m guessing I can get through the process in about 4-6 months.
Anon
I am so inexperienced in this realm, but if you do go grey, could you still get some kind of hair treatment like a gloss or something that keeps your hair, like, a better, shinier version of its natural self? That might keep you from looking haggard, but doesn’t quite solve the maintenance problem.
givemyregards
Could you go a lighter, ashier color as a middle ground? A lot of women I know transition from mid/dark brown to light brown/ash blonde for just this reason – you can keep a little color around your face, but go longer between appointments. Do you currently dye your hair at home or at a salon? If at a salon, the colorist should be able to help you come up with a transition plan.
anon
Possibly. I had lighter hair in college and in my early ’20s, and it looked fine. I’m just not sure if it’s possible given the color I have now.
Anonymous
This is exactly my path, and I get compliments all the time (my colorist is particularly fantastic, though). Light hair as a kid/teen, darker as I got older, premature white. I started with darkening my hair, but eventually we moved to face framing highlights in a much blonder tone, and recently a slightly ashier tone. The lighter color masks the grays and makes the growing out/root issue less noticeable. I do still have to maintain, with all of the $$ and time, and I understand completely why you’d want to release yourself from that. And frankly, I love a good gray pixie cut.
I think if you decide to transition, the help of a good colorist in the meantime is the way to go. I think they could get you to a place where the grow-out will seem pretty natural.
Anon
You should really seek the advice of a hair stylist, a color specialist. They’ll be able to dye your hair in a manner that growing out the grey looks more natural and less jarring (ex, give you light streaks to blend in with the grey as if grows out). Or alternatively, if you don’t want to go full on grey, you could get a lighter hair color with light streaks that blend into gray so the maintenance is lower. I’ve seen some great looks on women that are lighter blond, with light/white blonde streaks. You can see the gray at the roots if you really look but it’s just not noticeable. Even though you like the darker hair, it will be hard to maintain, and going full gray will take a while maybe a few years. Everyone can find a shade of blonde that goes with their skin tone.
Anonymous
I color mine every 5 weeks. I hate the time and money for it. But I feel it’s required professionally. Yes, perhaps I should be the one who pushes forward. I’m already a lone female professional in my industry. Not going to go gray.
anon
There are a few women on our senior leadership team, and only one has kept her natural hair color. I think it’s totally BS that women have a different standard for looking professional, but I realize that’s where we’re at right now. I don’t blame you for not wanting to push that particular envelope.
mascot
I’d talk to your stylist and see if you can get some transitional coloring. Perhaps dye your hair back to your natural color and then let it grow out the color from there. I’ve got dark brown hair and I don’t color it. My gray is noticeable but not widespread. Keeping it really healthy and shiny seems to help. I use an in-shower John Frieda glaze to make it glossy and get lots of compliments on the shine.
Monday
Check out Grombre on Instragr@m for inspiration and tips.
stogie
I am 41 and have pale skin, blue eyes, dark brown hair, and a classic pixie cut. I stopped dyeing about 6 months ago for similar reasons. So far I am liking it and thinking it feels more ‘me’, even though I too got compliments on the dye (I myself thought it looked a little too brassy, particularly in summer). It didn’t look as rough as I thought it would while I was growing it out, and it took about 5 months. I had silver sort of ‘sideburns’ for a while but there was no harsh line of demarcation. I’d say try it for a few months, and you’ll know if you like it by then!
I have upped my makeup a little– from either nothing/BB cream to BB cream , concealer, blush, eyeliner, and eyebrow powder and gloss or lip balm. It takes 5 minutes. Also, I think using regular exfoliation and moisturizer to make sure my face doesn’t look dry or flaky helps keep off the haggard vibe. I condition and occasionally use Moroccan oil ($4 little orange bottle) and the texture looks and feels good to me. I’ve thought about trying the Aveda blue malva shampoo to combat yellow tinge but I don’t have any yellowing (yet? my mom never did get yellow tinge either, so maybe this is dependent upon genetics; I don’t know).
CPA Lady
No, you’re not crazy. I have long hair, but I’m letting it gray. I’m in my mid 30s. I have a number of grays at one of my temples (the more distinguished of the two, hahaha), and then a few scattered through the back. I just can’t deal with the cost and hassle of coloring it. For me, the main thing is to be careful and proactive about my other grooming (esp. brows and getting regular haircuts that work well with my hair texture) so that I look put together overall.
Could you ask your stylist about what to do to ease the transition? Perhaps some carefully placed, well done highlights could help blend your natural color with your current color?
Anonymous
I’ve been wanting to talk to my stylist about the same thing. I’m pretty nervous about it but I started following “grombre” on instagram that is helping to bolster me.
anon
Thanks for sharing! I just checked that out, and it’s very inspiring.
Anon
The hard truth is that if you’re a gray haired woman, people will think you’re older than 38. Only you can answer whether you’re ok with this.
Anon
In terms of the transition from dyeing, I think a lot of women go lighter and lighter in their chosen (dyed) hair color as they get older. It’s a little gentler on the face, and it helps as the roots get completely gray. An older friend of mine gradually became platinum blond this way.
Anonymous
Plus one. That’s great if you are okay with it, I envy you. I am 38 as well, but I am far too vein to go gray and thank god that I can afford to touch ups and professional conditioning treatments every four weeks
Anonymous
I’m 48 and letting nature take its course.
Right now, I have Stacy London hair, but shorter, more brown than black, and with a gray streak near my side part by more forehead that falls on either side of my part. It is maybe <5% of my hair, which remains brown on its own.
I think it helps that I keep my hair trimmed regularly and it is fine/oily, so needs to be freshened up / washed / dried daily. It also helps that have a young face (oily skin) and am short (5-4) and relatively trim. I don't think it would work at all if I also had a bad haircut or dressed sloppy.
I work FT and have two kids and just could not deal with the idea of doing coloring regularly (plus, I feel that brown hair always looks fake, flat, and too dark when you have to color very frequently; blondes seem to weather the growouts/roots situation much better).
Anonymous
I am in a very similar position but even younger. For now I’m not ready. But I have great dreams of a Miranda Priestly style someday.
Anon going gray
You can join the Gray and Proud Facebook group. I started transitioning a few months ago because of the time/expense, and because some concern about the toxic load of hair color. I am 57 and on the executive team.
Make sure you work with a good colorist. My colorist is brilliant and has done things to make my hair look fine during this process.
anon
It is not crazy to think of having gray hair. It may not ultimately be what you choose to do, and that’s totally fine, but IMO we should normalize the aging process for women as we (largely) do for men.
Anonymous
I went gray about 3 years ago — I couldn’t keep up with the expense and it often looked brassy. It helped that I have healthy-looking hair. And that I work in a job where I don’t have to prove that I’m young and edgy.
But also, it’s just hair. If you go gray and then want to start coloring again, there’s nothing to stop you!
Missy
I missed my period last month for the first time. I am not in any birth control. I took 3 pregnancy tests in couple of days interval and they all came back negative. Is this normal at 45? Perimenopause? Any advice is appreciated.
Anon
Yes. I started skipping periods at about your age. If you are concerned about being pregnant, though, call your OBGYN and see what they advise