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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Fern Pull-On Trousers

woman wearing grayish green cropped pants with drawstring waist, ankle-length, with pockets

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We have a great round-up of all our favorite pull-on pants for the office, but I think this pair from Reiss would make a great addition. I like the slightly relaxed fit, but the wool blend still looks office-appropriate. The sage color would be beautiful with any of your typical neutrals, but if you’re feeling a bit bolder, I might wear it with deeper pine green top, or maybe even a dark purple.

The pants are $225 and come in sizes 0-12.

Looking for something similar but more affordable or in a wider range of sizes? These $60 pull-on pants are an olive green and come in regular, petite, and tall sizes up to XXL; these under $50 pull-on pants come in “forest moss” and are available in regular, plus (up to 3X), and petite sizes.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

There are a bunch of great pull-on pants for the office in 2024. Some of our longstanding favorites include those from Athleta*, Everlane, Eileen Fisher*, Betabrand*, and Uniqlo. If you're looking for something a bit more polished but still ultra comfy, check out Nic & Zoe* or NYDJ*. (Brands with plus sizes are marked with asterisks.)

comfortable pajama pants from Eileen Fisher
Eileen Fisher
woman wears gray pants with black top and black shoes
Uniqlo
best comfortable work pants for women - Athleta
Athleta
comfortable athleisure work pants from Lululemon
Lululemon
a really comfortable pant, the Dream Pant from Everlane
Everlane

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

263 Comments

  1. Just caught up on yesterday afternoon’s post and the comment about a guy initiating texts vs not. I was struck by the replies that were basically “if he doesn’t text hes not interested” – I’m really not a texter and other than making plans for the next time we meet in person don’t need to keep texting much. I don’t have my phone on me for hours at a time. None of this means I don’t care. So it could just be a difference in communication/texting styles, something to discuss, not a sign that he doesn’t like you.

    1. I think the issue was the guy was never initiating plans (whether by text or otherwise), rather than texting not being his preferred way to keep in touch.

      1. +1, also just read the comments. The issue is that he is never contacting her at all–in any format, for any purpose.

        I agree with the suggestion to stop contacting him and see if he ever gets back in touch. It’s not “games,” it’s totally rational. It will give the OP the information she wants.

    2. I was one of the responders who said he probably wasn’t that invested.

      My own experience (and that of my friends) is that sometimes “he doesn’t initiate text conversations” was really a way to articulate that he didn’t seem that interested in general, but the texting part was just what my brain latched onto. So really, it’s often more than just that one little aspect, but it shows a general feeling of things not clicking completely with someone.

      I said in my response (and I stand by this) that if a person is questioning whether there is a mutual level of interest, then there usually isn’t. In other words, I think when you’re first dating someone, if you have to microanalyze and parse whether that person is interested, then there’s something missing in the chemistry.

      My boyfriend isn’t much of a texter, but especially when we were first dating, his actions as a whole showed that he was very interested, including that he would initiate text conversations. My actions showed that as well.

      1. Completely agree that if you’re questioning it its probably not there.
        The guy I’m seeing now doesn’t text much just to chat, but he plans multi-step dates and texts to organize them.

        1. Yep. The old cliche about “when you know, you know” is a cliche for a reason. If you’re searching and analyzing and questioning, it’s probably a no.

    3. Please I’m begging you stop telling women to accept low effort men. Idk if you’re being intentionally obtuse or just defensive but your own comment points out the difference between someone who’s not into texting vs someone who’s not interested – even bad texters still reach out to set up plans! Literally no one is saying, if he doesn’t respond to your texts during business hours then he’s just not into you, please stop pretending that’s what we mean.

    4. Ooh I was the poster! The update was that he reached out last night to let me know he was thinking about me and suggested lunch today. We met and it was really nice. He set a date for Saturday.

      Here’s the thing – I totally understand the commenters who said that lack of texts usually means a lack of interest. I don’t think they’re wrong! But his texts were very enthusiastic, and he does regularly 80 hour weeks in a tough industry.

      It’s such a tough balance between making yourself vulnerable to someone you like and not wanting to be too thirsty. Lol. If someone figures it out, let me know.

      1. It takes zero effort to text, even if you are working 200 hours a week. It’s so sad that women learned nothing from the heyday of “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

  2. Where can I learn more about investing? My husband and I are now in a position where we can invest a low four-figure sum (under $5K) in the market. We decided to split the pot and engage in a friendly competition to see whose picks are the most successful. I really don’t know much about stocks or the market (except that it’s down now…seems like a good time to buy!).

    Note that we have other retirement accounts, and while I can’t afford to lose boatloads of money we’re not looking to pull $ out of the market anytime soon. This can/is a long haul project.

    1. If you want a competition, I would not invest real money. And honestly, I only invest in S&P 500 index funds, so that’s where I would put your $5k. Buying low is nice, but the best approach over time is dollar cost averaging.

      1. Lump sum investing beats dollar cost averaging most of the time- if you have the money, you should just invest it, not wait. If you don’t have money, then making monthly contributions from each pay check will obviously make more sense. I try not to market time, but I did go ahead and max out my Roth IRA for the year today. Markets might still go down, but they might also just go up for the rest of the year, and time in market beats market timing. We’re sitting on a lot of cash due to uncertainty about moving and potentially buying a house so we can always buy more if there’s a bigger crash (no houses to buy here anyway, so that’s not a short term concern). We only buy index funds, no individual stocks.

      2. totally agree. every so often i throw money at a weird investment — a reit fund, an MJ index fund — but 99% of my investments are done in S&P index funds. plus if you split your investments you may not have enough to invest (vanguard is $3k for most funds, though i think schwab is lower).

    4. Vanguard’s total market index fund is available as an ETF even if you don’t have the money to buy into the index fund, and that is where I would put it.

      Although (sorry for the thread jack) I have also been putting some thought into the conflict between my values and my investments. Like on the one hand I think Facebook is doing significant damage to the world, and on the other hand their stock makes up a pretty significant amount of VTSAX. I’m not looking to change my investment strategy, me moving my little drop of money out of the market certainly won’t change anything, but I am trying to diversify into some projects that actually do good. I just used a couple thousand of “fun” investment money towards funding a Steward loan. They make business loans to farmers who practice regenerative agriculture. It’s not big growth, and certainly there’s some risk, but it’s making me feel good to use some of my investment money toward something good for the world.

    5. My husband and I do this with some fun money. We each set up an account on an app called Stash and we each contribute about $50 a week.

      We’ve been using the app for a couple years now and both of our portfolios are at about $7k.

      I know it’s not the most efficient way to invest, but it’s a fun way to learn about investing. Our real investments — retirement fund, 529 — are managed by professionals.

      There are lots of other apps for this like Acorns and Wealthfront. Search for micro investing apps and you’ll find lots of options.

  3. I don’t know if I’m venting or looking for advice but here I go:
    I’ve been dealing with a difficult situation at my job for about a year and a half. I initially thought I was being treated poorly because of a personal issue but over the last year or so, it appears more as if it’s because of some gender/race discrimination. It’s been suggested to me I need to go to management/HR about this. I work for an organization as a lawyer but my job is pretty unique within the organization. The perpetrator is essentially the chair of the board I serve/report to (trying to keep this general/vague). I honestly feel so sick about this. Any advice on how to present this/elevate the issue? My immediate boss knows and has noticed it independently but her attempted interventions are not solving the issues and in fact, I am no longer the only person who has been subjected to this treatment so I do think it’s important that I finally deal with it but I just don’t know what to do.

    Thanks all,

    1. Here is my $.02: leave. Unless you have some sort of smoking gun, HR isn’t likely to help. HR works for the org, not “in the interests of justice” or whatever. Unless what you have to say would land the company on the front page of the Daily Mail, it’s probably easier to get another job, which in this era, is probably not hard. Good people leaving is the only thing that seems to result in change, not that bad things have happened.

      1. Agree, sadly. HR/management is vanishingly unlikely to take on the head of the organization absent truly exceptional circumstances.

      2. I am the OP and I agree with this on some level – I am intending on leaving in 6-9 months if nothing has changed but I really love my job and it is completely unique so I feel like I owe it to myself to give it a chance to be fixed before leaving. Part of me pursuing this is a fact-finding mission – my organization claims there it is committed to DEI so I want to see if they will put their money where their mouth is but this still feels so terrible.

        2. While this course of action may feel good to you in the moment, consider what kind of reputational damage this kind of action will do to your career, regardless of how merited the action may be. Even if you were vindicated, would you stay and be comfortable dealing with the fallout? Most career communities are small and you aren’t likely to be viewed as the heroine in all of this. It’s a lose/lose proposition either way. Look for something else.

          1. Consider consulting with an employment lawyer ASAP . They can be very helpful; and a good employment lawyer can potentially help you negotiate a severance if that is something you want (with accompanying repetitional protection, eg a a good reference). Depending on how well documented/egregious the conduct at issue is, you may have substantial negotiating power. And if you have already complained and nothing has been done, an employment lawyer can also help prevent/protect you against any retaliation.

        3. Why stay for 6-9 months? Trust me as a Black professional woman, if you and other people notice discrimination and the organization/firm is not addressing the issue already, you are best served by leaving.

    2. HR will not intervene unless they’re at risk of being sued, so your goal here is to demonstrate “pervasive or severe” harassment/discrimination, and realistically you will probably need to get a lawyer involved.

      Start making the list of incidents of discrimination, who was involved/who saw/what happened/where & what context/when/what response. Any documentation (emails, texts etc). Any incidents of retaliation as well.

    3. Can you share a little more about what the treatment is, so that we can suggest more concrete approaches? What is your boss doing other than intervening directly with the perpetrator? Has she escalated it in any way?

    4. Talk to an employment attorney.

      Do some digging on your own. Google the guy and keep drilling down through the results. (I found that my sexist former boss had a side hustle involving mostly-nude barely legal women. Good luck arguing he doesn’t have Issues with women.) FOIA request your state anti discrimination agency to see if he’s ever been named in a lawsuit.

  4. In the office today and wearing real clothes. Maybe my eye isn’t used to what this looks like on me any more. What of any of this are people actually wearing in 2022:

    — opaque black tights
    — wedge heels
    — block heels

    Also, what shapes do current dresses come in? Is a DVF wrap dress still classic? How about a silk jersey shift? I don’t think that I could pull off a sheath (if any still fit). Or are skirts the current thing (but not pencil skirts, it seems)?

    I feel like before times, dresses were the thing. Now, maybe a lot of layered separates? I just can’t figure out outfits now that I’m mainly in leggings and shirts with words unless I’m on a zoom.

    1. No one knows yet, we’re all coming out of a fashion wasteland. My challenge is shoes all day as my feet have gone soft. Personally I’m finding my old block heels, boots and wedges way more comfortable than flats made out of real materials.

      1. Same here. And occasionally block heels, but mostly sneakers and loafers, even with the skirts.

    3. People are wearing literally whatever. Personally even in early 2020 I was reaching for pants and low heels outfits more than skirts and stilettos – it just seemed to fit the mood better – and I can’t say my love for tights or restrictive skirts has increased for the lapse in wearing them!

    4. I feel like wedges and wrap dresses were already out before covid – they seem 2015? to me – I wore them a lot during the colored pencil skirt era.

      I am very much wearing (newly purchased) block heels – part of the, “If I can’t wear athleisure, I’m sure as heck not going to be teetering around on thin heels” vibe. For work dresses, I’m wearing shapes that look good on me in great fabrics. My tolerance for “eh” work clothes has vanished and I want to be wearing nice stuff for the times I do have to get dressed up.

    5. I’ve been mostly wearing wrap dresses and shifts, with the occasional boucle pencil skirt with sweater or blouse. I wear black tights if I’m cold. Nobody seems to care about footwear in the post-COVID world, so I either wear dressy sneakers or flats.

      1. Can you tell us what you are wearing for dressy sneakers? That describes exactly what I want!

    6. Black tights, yes as always for me. Pencil skirts and sheath dresses just don’t work for my body, so skirts and dresses are always a-line or fuller, usually worn with low block heels or boots (I mean, really low, like barely higher than a flat).

    7. Even pre COVID I had switched to mostly pants. I’ve been a dress and skirt wearer my entire life and I would still wear them for a presentation, but for every day work, pants were starting to feel more like the thing – or looked at the other way, dresses and skirts were starting to feel too formal and outdated. I think it’s still the case.

    8. I’m trying to find the balance between comfortable and looking professional. Not quite there yet but I’m working on a ‘uniform’ of black pants with cargo pockets (to hold the office phone that must come with me everywhere), black sneakers, and various sweaters and blouses that are fitted but not clingy.

      1. Can you recommend some black pants with cargo pockets for a short and squat person that still don’t look too casual?

    9. Come to Atlanta. We are a city and we’ve been wearing clothes the whole time.

    10. If you live in a city with real winters, and you have to work in an office, opaque black tights are always going to be in the rotation. Personally they are a staple

  5. Anyone bought a house recently and care to share your interest rates and fees? I know it’ll differ based on a number of factors but I’m trying to find out what permutation combination will get me the lowest interest rate and looks like no one even says anything about ARMs without me asking. Just want to make sure I’m not missing other things and settling for a higher interest rate (3.2 for 30 yr fixed is the best I’ve so far).

    1. This is almost certainly not the time for an ARM. Interest rates are not likely to be lower next year or in 5 years than now.

      1. Couldn’t agree more with this, at least not unless your initial rate is, like, .5% for five years.

    2. We have a 15 year mortgage at 2.375%. I know 15 year mortgages aren’t popular, especially with interest rates so low. The conventional wisdom is to do a 30 year and throw the extra money from the lower into the market, since that will likely have bigger gains. Intellectually we know this, but we want our house to be fully paid off in our early 50s so that if DH wants to retire from his physically demanding job at 55, we can do that more easily.

      1. Oh also we financed that last year in April 2021. Just to give what “recently” datapoint is.

    3. If you have military/veteran connections, Navy Federal usually has among the best rates.

    4. I refinanced a year ago at 3.125% for a 30-year fixed with a point (I think), so your 3.2 sounds in the ballpark.

    5. I bought in June and I’m at 3.25% for a jumbo with $7k paid for points to bring down the interest rate. Jumbo mortgages have worse rates than conforming ones though. (But hey, it’s a VHCOL area so what are you going to do.)

    6. We just refi’d at 2.675 for 30 years, but I think we got really lucky with our broker. I’m not sure how common that low of a rate is.

    7. Refinanced 2 mos ago, 2.75, 1ish point, 30 yr fixed, jumbo, but very high equity. Rates seem to be going back up unfortunately, and I’d avoid an ARM like plague- rates are still on the low end, and the only way they’re going back down is another crisis.

    8. Refinanced into a 30 year VA loan at 1.875% a year ago. Points = a mere 0.138. Good timing + great credit + Costco membership (yes, really! MofO had a special program for Costco members.)

      Obviously I don’t envision a world in which it could get much cheaper so we will contentedly stay put with this mortgage.

      Original 2016 VA loan was at 3.25%

  6. I am tentatively planning a summer trip to Portugal, probably including the Azores. I remember seeing extensive Portugal recommendations here before but search is failing to find them. Anyone have any good recommendations on itineraries and where to stay?

    2. I went to Sao Miguel in the Azores several years ago and LOVED it. A few recommendations from my trip:
      -Hotel – Grand Hotel Azores Atlantico in Ponta Delgada. The location was great, the hotel was beautifully appointed, breakfast was outstanding, and the service was very good.
      -Things to do – hike Sete Cidades; go whale watching; take the ferry to Islet of Vila Franca do Campo; go to the thermal pools at Caldeira Velha; check out one of the black sand beaches (like Praia do Areal de Santa Barbara where you can grab a drink and watch the sun set)

    3. I went to Lisbon a few years ago. It was my first solo international trip so kept it pretty low key but I cannot say enough good things about the trip! I loved the wine and the food! Amazing seafood and of course the Pastel De Nata. I loved walking along the waterfront in Lisbon with a bottle of wine. Check out Time Out Market, Cascais, LX Factory, Tower of Belem, and Sintra. A bit touristy but nice.

    4. Azores was my last international trip in Sept 2019! What a lifetime ago. DH and I visited Pico and Sao Miguel over 9 days. I like Sao Miguel much more than Pico, but a lot of the problems with Pico were weather related. We couldn’t go whale watching or hike the volcano due to terrible weather and those were the two things I was most excited to do. Both islands are very easy to drive.
      To do in Sao Miguel: Sete Cidades, Terra Nostra (I wish we spent a night here. Definitely come for lunch at the hotel!) Ribeira dos Caldeiros Park, Ponta de Ferraria
      If you go to Sao Miguel, make restaurant reservations in advanced! We wanted to go to A Tasca and weren’t able to at all. Places we ate at and liked: Associacao Agricola (steak – we went twice), Taberna Acor (we went twice), Tukatula (beach bar), Lourve Michaelense (fancy cocktails)
      We stayed in Ponta Delgada which was a great location, very walkable, but our airbnb was awful so can’t suggest specifics. DH offered for us to get a hotel after the first night because I was so unhappy but our airbnb was already “expensive” so I didn’t want to spend more on lodging. If I knew that was the last time I’d really travel for 2+ years man I would’ve gotten the nicest hotel asap.

  7. Sharing here because I can’t do so in real life. After a major career setback early on I’ve been clawing my way up for over 10 years. I’ve used so many pointers from this site during that time- to buy a home, refinance my student loans, negotiate salaries, change careers again etc. I got a new job during the pandemic which gave me my first bonus. I just paid off my final credit card and half my student loan balance. I couldn’t be more excited!!

    3. Congratulations! These are massive life accomplishments. Well done to you. And I love that this s-te helped you along the way; we are an amazing community of women who can support one another, which the world needs more of. Thank you for sharing your story today—it’s making me smile.

    8. I love this! So happy for you. Huge congrats – echo the above, these are BIG wins.

  8. My partner and I decided this weekend that we are going to elope in March. We are both very private people and don’t like the idea of having a wedding/ceremony in front of other people, and we want something intimate with just the two of us. We are going to hire a photographer, but other than that, we haven’t planed much yet. For those of you who eloped, do you have any tips or things you wish you had done differently? What did your elopement look like?

    1. We did it exactly that way and I loved it. We got married in a short ceremony in Central Park and then did a couple hours of photos. Then we went out to a very fancy dinner by ourselves to celebrate. I’m glad I got my hair and makeup done and got a bouquet. I was on the fence about both because of cost, but it made it feel more wedding-y. We didn’t tell anybody until after, and it was really fun to surprise people.

      1. Agree that a little bridal bouquet is a nice touch. I’ve sent them to two eloping brides over the years and they both said it really made the day that much more special.

    2. It was fabulous- I planned on a post it. Went to city hall, they had o lime booking so did that. Got a dress and flowers and hair and makeup done (because me), made a dinner reservation. Also had a photographer come to the ceremony. It was wonderfully low stress and the most romantic day of my life. Five stars.

    3. We are both very private and did not want to have such an intimate moment in front of so many people, so we did a sunrise elopement in the Rocky Mountains and stayed in Estes Park, CO. It was magical and I wouldn’t do anything differently. The only person besides us present for our ceremony was our photographer, and even she stayed pretty far away while we said our vows.

    4. We basically took a long vacation and turned it into an elopement/honeymoon. I highly recommend the whole thing.

      We found a woman who planned it for us, but it was very short notice/impromptu. She is a photographer who does this as a side business, her husband officiates, she got us champagne, flowers and a little cake and we stayed in a beautiful cottage on her property in Napa Valley the night of our wedding. She took gorgeous pictures. She also gave us helpful info re: where to go to dinner, get our license, get my hair done, etc. It was so easy and stress-free!

      A friend did something similar abroad (Ireland) but with a few family members in attendance (this is not a true elopement but when you google this stuff elopement has somehow morphed into “small wedding”). Actually, come to think of it, I know several people who eloped to Ireland recently. Seems like a popular destination.

      Anyway, it’s great. Do it. Get someone to help if you can. If you want to travel for it, I think that helps make it feel a little more special (or did for me).

    5. Yes!! You have the best plan. I also would get a special dress (but like $200 or less, that’s just me) and then I really think you’re golden.

    6. We eloped during the COVID era at a mountaintop area along the Appalachian Trail. We were originally planning a small wedding, but I’ve always wanted to elope. COVID sort of enabled my dreams to become a reality, and my husband ended up perfectly happy with the elopement and doesn’t have any regrets. Highly recommend still hiring a planner, and there are a lot of planners who specialize in elopements. So the only folks at our elopement were the planner, her husband (who served as our officiant), and our photographer. Well, and the random hikers we saw along the trail (who cheered us along and were generally wonderful humans – our photographer got some great shots). The day was so wonderfully chill and authentic to us. My hair and makeup artist came to the Airbnb house we booked. We drank mimosas and sat out on the porch before we had to head out to the trail. It was later than anticipated by the time we got back to the Airbnb, so we ended the day by ordering pizza and tiramisu and relaxing by the fire. It was magical. We did purchase a fairly nice camera beforehand and captured as much video footage as two camera-shy people could. Between our planner’s husband, who shot a ton of film on his iPhone, and our footage, I was able to edit a simple but beautiful wedding weekend video that all of our family members absolutely loved (and it helped make up for them not being able to attend).

    7. Thanks, everyone! I am so excited. We had a previously planned trip to the Oregon Coast, so we are going to elope there. The photographer we are going to hire specializes in elopements, so I’m sure she will be helpful as well! I think I’m just going to do my own hair/makeup, but I did buy a dress, and I think we are going to grab some flowers at Trader Joe’s on the drive down.

      1. That sounds absolutely lovely! :) Our photographer and officiant specialized in elopements, so I was happy to take tips and recommendations from them.

    8. Congrats!! We did this too, although technically I am not sure it is/was an elopement, since we let folks know we were getting married ahead of time – just that it was going to be a super tiny private ceremony. I was so glad to have a photographer. I got my hair and makeup done, which was fun. Almost an afterthought, at the last minute, I grabbed a bouquet of roses (from the grocery store!) and I’m glad I did, they were nice to have as photo props. I had planned ahead and gotten a flower collar/wreath for my dog – she looked adorable and is in most of our photos. We got married in a park near our house, which is nice because now I walk through our ‘wedding venue’ every week.

    9. If one does this type of thing, how do you actually tell people after the fact? Do you send a “hey we got married” notice? By email? On paper? I am thinking of eloping but am so confused about how to announce that I did.

      1. I think we will send out “we eloped!” cards that include an invitation to a celebration sometime this summer.

      2. We called family, texted close friends, then about two months later did an instagram post. We got married in November, so we got newlywed themed holiday cards from Minted that basically acted as an announcement.

    10. We eloped 25 years ago today — and we are still so glad we did! We went to Anguilla, stayed a few days in advance of the ceremony in order to obtain our license, were married by a priest (important to my husband) and had a photographer, flowers, cake…. It was very low key, we went kayaking the morning of, then I did my hair and makeup. I had a dress, he had a tux, and we were barefoot on the beach. The photos helped calm down our mothers — I had just turned 31 and he was 34, and we did not want a big ceremony but our mothers did. It was an amazing start to our married life — so many ups and downs along these past 25 years together but we’ve managed to remain a team through it all. Congratulations!

  9. Can anyone comment on whether Hanro nightgowns are worth the price? I have a store credit I need to use up at a store where there isn’t much I want…I love soft nightgowns and Hanro looks pretty but the cost seems awfully steep. Thanks!

    1. I received a beautiful jersey and lace long sleeved nightgown a couple years ago for my birthday. It is gorgeous, and even though the lace is pretty delicate, has held up very well. I feel like a princess whenever I wear it. You won’t be sorry – treat yourself!

  10. These pants look like $225 pajama bottoms to me. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing…

    3. The visible drawstring is the issue. I can get away with full-elastic waistbands but a drawstring feels a bridge too far.

    5. They look like something you would make out of cheap broadcloth in seventh-grade home ec.

  11. based on yesterday’s discussion – at what age do you think a lifelong bachelor isn’t marriage material anymore? too set in his ways to partner up or adapt to a family? when I was young my friend had a theory that 45 was the cutoff.

    1. Never. The same way there’s no expiration date after which women are hopeless spinsters. This is a nasty toxic way to view people.

      1. +1 because if that was the case, I would be a lost cause at 42 and I am actually an amazing catch!

    2. I don’t think there’s an age cutoff. I think lots of people stay single for a long time for reasons unrelated to their ability to be a partner (and lots of very bad partners get married early and often). I do think, though, that if there’s something you’re still hoping to change about a man, that is pretty hopeless after 25 or 30. Take them at face value, and not for potential.

    3. I think 45 is a reasonable cutoff. I once dated this guy who was 43 and had never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. Big bright red flag, but it was fun for the 3 months it lasted. He’s still single several years later from what I can tell.

      1. Ha. I married my 43 year old who’d never been in a relationship longer than 6 months, but (many years in) have yet to find any reason for that. That said I’d say being independent, reasonably sociable, and respecting women are all qualities to screen for when dating “confirmed bachelor” types.

    5. This theory is ridiculous. Give me the guy who waited for a true connection any day over the guy who checked a box.

    6. It depends on what you mean by “lifelong bachelor.” By 40, I would expect a person to have had at least one long term (multi year) relationship even if it wasn’t a marriage. Friends who have dated guys in their late 30s or early 40s who haven’t had any long relationships before them…. well all those friends quickly find out that it was for a reason. So my answer is around 40. It’s around the same age for women too based on observations from some of my male friends.

      3. I mean, maybe this means somebody got rejected over and over. But maybe they’re just demi and/or were busy and not really dating during those years? I believe there are people who are cut out for marriage but not so much for dating.

        1. There are some people in my extended family who are great spouses, but are really lucky that they had arranged or semi-arranged marriages.

          1. Yes — if my dad hadn’t married my mom at 24, I am convinced he’d never have married anyone ever. They guy was all work and reading books and newspapers. He was a great, if quirky, father who really thought using a slide rule would be so helpful and quick for working math calculations on. But probably would not have done well on the singles market.

          2. I used to think an arranged marriage was the worst idea ever and now that I’ve been married and have kids, I think it seems super practical.

    7. No age cutoff for either gender, willingness to adapt and accommodate others is an individual trait.

    8. I can think of some men I know who are on the autism spectrum who had late marriages but no early relationships. I think they were passed over for more cool guys. Then the cool guys who turned into bad partners were real game changers for some women. Only after some drama llamas did it seem like there were women who liked guys who hold down steady jobs, keep a house (b/c they’ve never had a wife), cook a bit, and are straightforward. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think as we age we like companionship and being steady (or nothing! nothing is also a perfectly valid choice, so if a woman decides to stay single vs settle for the wrong partner, that is a completely valid choice!).

      2. I think this trope of a nice guy being passed over for jerks is really gross, tbh. You don’t have to explain away somebody’s single-ness by blaming other men or women.

        1. Sort-of related, but I always thought I’d be a good pioneer wife (can cook, sew, do a lot of domestic things, can sleep anywhere) where a quality wife is the difference b/w survival and not, but don’t do so well in an insta-perfect world that favors the pretty. I am very sturdy, but who needs a wife now that can chop wood and cut up a chicken? Maybe an older guy who’s been burned a few times would appreciate a no-drama woman?

          1. You sound awesome! And if you do want a pioneer lifestyle, go for it! There seems to be a lot of new homesteaders now, and no reason why there shouldn’t be a wannabe homesteader nerd who would love a chicken-cutting wife…

        2. I agree. And also let’s face it, most men who are 45 and older who have never been married or had a long term relationship, don’t want that for themselves. There obviously are some exceptions but those are just that. Exceptions.

          Also it goes without saying that the dating/marriage market is very different for men. The timelines work in their favor so if they are a certain age and single it is probably by choice.

        3. Maybe, but it definitely happens. I think there were abuse dynamics/recovery involved when I’ve seen this though (which I guess is pretty gross in a different way).

        4. I think most guys who claim to be nice, nerdy, slightly socially awkward guys who got passed over for jerks are actually just jerks themselves. I always think of that scene at the beginning of The Social Network where the girl tells Mark Zuckerberg: “You’re going to go through life thinking girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an a$$hole.”

          I stood up and applauded at that line when I saw the movie the first time, because I went to MIT and am sooo familiar with that type of guy. Nerdy definitely does not equal nice, and it drives me crazy how many nerdy a-holes blame their nerdiness on their lack of success with personal relationships when really the problem is their a-holeness.

          1. I don’t think that this is universally true (you could say the same of lawyers or accountants or math teachers — some gems and some jerks and mostly-OK people who just don’t spark joy). I can think of the nicest guy who went to an MIT-like regional school. He is a great husband and awesome dad, but had the hardest time meeting the right person (who was in a nearly all-female profession, so not exactly meeting a lot of guys). He’d be a great catch in an arranged-marriage situation. He is a great catch objectively. But he’s also quirky and not really a guy who will do well in a bar or other meet-market.

          2. I’m talking about a very specific kind of guy (of which there were many at MIT, but I’m sure they exist at other schools too) who has a real chip on his shoulder about his lack of dating success going back to high school, and claims to be a victim of his “nerd” status. Of course there are nice, nerdy guys (and girls) out there who simply haven’t met the right person yet. But in my experience they don’t go on and on about how people won’t go out with them because they’re nerds.

          3. Heh. One of my exes got into MIT through connections. Arrogant beyond belief, lazy, never had close friends, burned through women, frequently cheated. According to the puppy dog eyes, had trouble because women didn’t understand him. No, buddy, we understand you quite well.

        1. I confess I would want it (if single) … but I would never actually sign up for it. The appeal is there but it’s not worth it.

    9. Not exactly the same but I think change occurs based on circumstances and individual. My husband was raised in a strict gender lines household that also had a full time housekeeper. He married young, had a child very quickly, then another, and his wife stayed at home. They divorced after 5 or 6 years. For the next 25 years, he was single. He had his kids about half the time, fully on his watch. He did his own laundry, fixed his own meals, purchased and sent his own gifts and cards when occasions arose, kept gis own calendar. By the time we married, he had evolved into a fully functional, sharing the household load partner, and I know that was not who he was in his younger years.

    10. I don’t think there’s a set number cutoff. When my sister was dating she ran into guys (late 20s to late 30s) who weren’t ready for anything for a long time, and then there was a very brief window when they were raring to get married as fast as possible. Once that window closed they were bachelors for life. She called them “avocados.”

        1. That is so true. I know two guys who lived with their GFs for something like 10+ years, bought houses together, etc. Then they broke up (likely over his not committing) and each guy put a ring on someone else with in months.

    11. No cut off but it does get harder to make changes to accommodate someone else. I will always think of George Clooney though, especially if a man tells me he doesn’t want to get married.

      1. The George Clooney example is interesting – clearly he was having a great time and was not in a hurry to settle down for the longest time. Did he finally feel like he wanted to settle down? Finally met the right (absolutely amazing, impressive, very cool) person?

        1. I believe for most men who settle down late in life it has more to do with getting bored of the bachelor lifestyle eventually, and the person they marry is just the person they happened to meet once they decided they were ready. The cab light analogy from SATC, if you will. But in Clooney’s case I actually think it was about not meeting the right person. I’m obviously not an insider, but from what they’ve shared with the public he seems so totally smitten with Amal in a way he wasn’t with any of the other gorgeous, successful women he dated.

        2. Honestly, I’m like George Clooney but the female edition. I REALLY enjoyed my life, was highly commitmentphobic, and met my now-husband at 38. Once I was ready, I was really ready (went from single to married with a kid in under 3 years).

    12. I don’t think there is a hard cutoff. So many factors go into this. A 45 year old man who hasn’t held down a steady job, relationship hopped, and parties every night is an entirely different beast than a 45 year old man who say went to med school, did a prestigious residency, and really spent all those early years developing a career.

      Women aren’t “old maid” after a certain age and surprise! men aren’t’ either.

    13. It depends on the whys, not on the whens. My husband has been a non-stop caregiver (for his sickly mom, then his sickly dad, and now his autistic brother) for over twenty years. If we hadn’t started dating when we were literally children, I don’t see how he would have found the time to meet anyone.

    14. It’s just a different world these days. With so many people getting married later, people who normally would have found someone at 30 are still looking at 40.

      The real issue is how fast he wants to commit. In my experience (learned the hard way), a serial monogamist/committed bachelor will date indefinitely. A man who is 35+, definitely once 40+, will put a ring on it within a few months.

    15. Like everything else in life, this depends on the individual.

      I’d personally be wary of a guy who had a had a string of relationships over the course of decades and broke up with them for petty reasons (and this guy will tell you all about it within 1-2 dates) than I would of a guy who just hasn’t dated much, maybe had one long term relationship that was more like a marriage. Guy #1 is the “keep my options open” guy and you’re just another option.

      In either case I think adjusting to living with someone is going to be hard when either of you is used to long term independence and solo living.

    16. I think everyone is set in their ways, people just accept it more from older folks. Plenty of women go after men thinking they can change them. They end up disappointed. No one adapts to family life unless they really want to. And anyone who really wants to will, regardless of age.

    17. I think some single guys in that age bracket just don’t want to get married – either consciously or unconsciously. Once they do want to get married – boom! They generally find a spouse. Honestly, I love my husband but if something happened to him I doubt I’d ever remarry. I am so sick of living with other people.

    18. I’m 43 and have never had a long-term relationship. Part of it is that I’m very independent and have been told I come off as so self-sufficient that it’s intimidating. Part of it is that I’m a very solid 2 in looks. (No worries, I have very high self esteem; I just have really bad genetics.) I joke that I’m waiting until the men I know get through their first and second divorces and are willing to settle (down), but I think I’ll fare better once some of them grow to appreciate personality over looks. I assure you I want a relationship, but it’s hard to ask men out when you’ve received so many rebuffs. At this point, if a man isn’t actively hitting on me, it’s not going to happen.

  12. Can I get gut check here: In late December, I sold a six-figure amount of stock through Morgan Stanley. It has been a month and they cannot “find” my funds. I couldn’t trade at all yesterday because my trading account reflected a zero cash balance.

    The agents I have spoken with have been polite, there is a “case” that has been “escalated” and also a “complaint” ticket that is being investigated. Do I really just sit here for more days or weeks while Morgan Stanley finds my money? Should I take on the massive admin challenge of transferring my entire (7-figure) account to someone else?

    1. This would have me very concerned. Keeping track of money is the main job of a financial institution. I would absolutely see if this can be escalated further, and see if there’s anyone who can give you a reasonable explanation of what’s going on and what will be done to ensure it doesn’t happen again. If I couldn’t get satisfactory assurances that it won’t happen again, I’d switch, though probably not before this problem is resolved.

    2. Ooh you should definitely escalate this. If it has been nearly a month, they should be able to explain to you at least where in the process the delays are happening and where the money is currently sitting.

    4. At that level, do you not have a dedicated contact there? Yes, move your $ to some private banking outfit once it is found.

    5. This is completely unacceptable and I would transfer all accounts out of this institution.

      1. Same here. Not okay.

        Also I bet they find your money pretty quick when you initiate the transfer of your seven-figure account.

    6. I am sorry, what? They cannot locate what? Call them today and explain in no uncertain terms they will locate your money by end of tomorrow, otherwise, you are not only taking your money, but also submitting a complaint through over-sighting authority (no idea what authority this would be in the US, but in Europe, there are authorities overseeing financial institutions). Last thing they need/want is authority poking through their business.
      I would move my remaining money asap.

      1. My reaction exactly. I wouldn’t let them off the phone until it has been escalated to a level you feel you’ll actually get resolution immediately. Once the dust all settles, move to a new brokerage. I use Fidelity and they have been top notch through all sorts of weird scenarios.

    7. Yes, definitely transfer. How could they possibly lose your money??? We’ve transferred six- and seven-figure amounts between brokerages, and it’s not as burdensome as you might think. Other brokerages are very eager to get your business, and if you ask, you could probably get some sort of transfer bonus.

    8. Wow.

      I would call again today, escalate immediately to the highest supervisor possible, and push like crazy to get the $$ back today. This is ridiculous. I would call every day. Never hang up without getting the name of the person you speak to, ask them what they are going to do next to solve my problem, ask when to expect a call back from them, get their full name and extension. Always ask for the supervisor.

      I would transfer your money to Vanguard or Fidelity as soon as this settles out. It is not a massive administrative challenge to move your money in most cases, at all. It just “feels” like it is. The new place will want your money and will walk you through the steps.

      Bad behavior like this deserves repercussions. You absolutely should move your money from Morgan Stanley and tell them why and hopefully others on this board will tell you where to file an official complaint.

    9. This is absolute crap. Agree with the other posters, plus file a complaint with FINRA.

      1. Yes, and start mentioning FINRA in your calls to them too! This isn’t like a package that got delayed in the mail or something.

    10. Escalate within MS (complain to the company prez), and complain to their regulator. If it’s not solved quickly (like this week), complain to your member of congress, who will refer your issue to the bank and get traction.

    11. I would leave asap! The right bank can also do a lot of the heavy lifting for your transfer.

    12. UMM WHAT? This is illegal and I would have immediately filed a case with FINRA.

  13. Interested in advice on US vacation destinations. I’m not ready to return to international travel planning just yet, so trying to think of a domestic location to see this year (me and husband). We’ve done California, Oregon, Florida and New Orleans a bunch, so not those places. I’m considering the Southwest US but neither husband or I are into the outdoors. Essentially we’d like to see the area/landscapes, but not do any hiking, backpacking, etc. (Easy walking and whatnot is fine, I just don’t really have any interest in big hikes or anything like that.) Is this even feasible or should I scrap that idea?

    2. That’s what I did in Santa Fe! Lots of like one to two mile walks, pretty drives, spas, museums, shopping, food, wandering around the city.

      1. We went to Santa Fe in October and had an amazing time. We aren’t big hikers but still enjoyed the couple that we did – there are some flat/easy trails in Bandelier.
        Driving around is great too – we went up to Taos and did the Enchanted Circle drive. It was absolutely stunning, especially coming from the very flat Midwest! Remember that Santa Fe is at 7000 feet so drink lots of water.

    3. Don’t know much about the southwest, but I would recommend the Maine coast, especially Acadia/Bar Harbor. It’s one of the national parks that’s the easiest to see by car (it’s good for little kids for the same reason). Early fall is beautiful, less crowded and cheaper, if you can travel then, but we go every summer and it’s great in the summer too.

    4. Arizona is great for viewing landscapes and easy walks/hikes, especially in places like the Grand Canyon and Sedona. You can drive to those places from Scottsdale, staying in north Scottsdale (Boulders Resort, Four Seasons, Camelback Inn) offer great spas and easy trails to walk near by. The food in AZ is more chain restaurants, so if you are looking for good food it’s not that easy to find.

      You can also consider Zion (S. Utah) as it is so beautiful (basically the Grand Canyon upside down!) and there are very easy hikes there, even to the famous Narrows. There is a 1 mile flat paved walkway to the start of the river in the Narrows so it is easy to get to. Springdale is a cute little town to stay in right outside of the park too.

    5. Yellowstone would be perfect for this! You can see SO much beautiful, unique scenery and wildlife from the car, or at most with an easy stroll (Old Faithful, Grand Prismatic Spring, etc.). Also Arches–lots of visually striking scenery that’s viewable by car or with short, flat walks, plus Moab is a cute little town with fun breweries/restaurants/etc.

      +1 to the suggestion for Zion as well.

    6. Southern Utah is gorgeous. I think a drive through Arches and Zion would be worthwhile even if you don’t get out of the car.

    8. I personally find the southwest dull unless you’re going to a spa. I also love domestic vacations and similarly am not into hiking or outdoor activity. My favorite vacation spots are the north east (Boston, cape cod, Maine, Vermont, finger lakes) for a more relaxed, cute towns and antiques vibe. NYC and Chicago for city vibes. Portland and Nashville are on my list for smaller cities with things to do. I’m based in SF so also recommend Northern California- Mendocino coast, Sonoma/Napa, Carmel, Big Sur, etc.

    9. Yellowstone is very car friendly (too much so for my taste!). Definitely recommend checking out the Lamar Valley. We also went to a hot spring outside of Gardnier, MT that was great.

    10. You can enjoy a lot of Yellowstone via car and short walks. I would tack on a few days in Jackson Hole as well.

      I also think Bar Harbor + Acadia is a great suggestion.

    11. Thanks everyone! I feel better about this idea now, and am going to save all these suggestions as starting points for some research. I’m pretty flexible on when to go and for how long, so can likely make something work. I also like the ideas of towns in the Northeast, as that was definitely another area I was considering.

    13. I drove around the Southwest for 4 or 5 days on a solo roadtrip and had a good time. I flew into Pheonix and out of Albequerque. A lot of the time was spent driving so it’s not like I had a lot of time to hike (which I also don’t enjoy), but the drives were very scenic for much of the time. I wish I had a bit longer though. If I were to do it again, I’d do 2 nights at the Grand Canyon (stayed at one of the old hotels right on the rim of the canyon which was so worth it), 2 nights in Sedona and plan some lovely spa treatments, 1 night in Monument Valley (definitely stay at The View hotel, mediocre hotel but with an unbeatable view), and 2 nights in Durango, CO or Santa Fe, NM.

  14. Has anyone noticed that your hair part is getting bigger? (balder?) any tips on hiding or stopping it?

    1. I have, and no tips. I’ve tried The Ordinary hair serum to no avail. I can’t use Rogaine because it is toxic to cats, and I have 2. Can’t risk it getting on the pillow and them (1 sleeps with me). I did purchase a hair powder on AMZN that is dark brown and covers up the growing part. Non-permanent, of course, but it looks natural if I need to go out somewhere.

      1. See a dermatologist!!!! Seriously, see the hair expert in your area (not just your regular clinical or aesthetic dermatologist who knows what topical Rogaine is). There is oral minoxidil! And there are other oral treatments, as well as more invasive procedures! Also, there are different types of hair loss, and they can do chemical and visual tests to assess and quantify how your hair loss / preservation / regrowth is going, and why it’s happening.

        Signed,

        Person who took way too long to see an expert

        1. Oral minoxidil?!? Tell me more? Are you taking it? Side effects/weight gain?

    2. Yes— You should go to the dermatologist. Apparently there are many reasons for hair loss in women, some easier to treat than others.

      I have androgenic alopecia (female pattern baldness). According to my dermatologist, the treatments that work primarily maintain the hair that’s still there, so you’d want to start treatment ASAP if you want to preserve the amount of hair. She put me on vitamins (Viviscal Pro) and topical Rogaine. With her blessing, I also got one of those light helmets (the iRestore). I started all of this 4 months ago and it seems to be working.

        1. I got the iRestore Pro on Black Friday, so I think I got 40% off. I was a little hesitant due to the price, but I figured it would be worth it if it helps my hair stop falling out. I wear it for 25 mins every other night. I just wear it while I’m watching tv or something similarly inactive bc it has to be plugged in. The helmet isn’t uncomfortable or anything, but it does look crazy.

          My derm said she hadn’t looked into the light treatments as much, but that colleagues who she trusts have said there’s some evidence they’re effective. She didn’t usually recommend as a first try because of the cost, but that if I don’t mind that, it wouldn’t hurt and might help.

          If you are interested in all the different treatments before talking to a derm, there’s a dermatologist on YouTube who has a lot of in-depth, high quality videos about hair loss and the treatments for hair loss in women. She is sponsored by iRestore and has a coupon code if you decide you’re interested in it. Because of that, I take her opinion about the helmet with a small grain of salt, but that is the only product she is paid to promote, and she gives honest reviews on lots of areas of skincare, so I still trust her opinions.

        2. My doctor did tell me about some other treatments, but I wanted to go for the least invasive options first to see if they work because with AA, whatever works has to be continued or your hair will fall out again.

    3. Yes, and for me it is hormonal (side effect of PCOS). I would definitely recommend seeing a doctor for lab work (could be thyroid, PCOS or a whole host of hormonal imbalances), especially if early hair loss is not common in your family.

  15. Appreciated the replies on my post yesterday! It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one with a case of the gloomies right now. I basically took a sick day yesterday and just laid around and watched Schitt’s Creek. Today I have a ton of meetings, but I put “leave my apartment” as the top goal on my to do list, so here’s to making today a better day!

    1. Hope it’s a better day today! Glad you were able to take time off yesterday – sometimes you need some downtime!

  16. Possible silly question, but here goes. I had an upper bleph (eyelid surgery) 3 weeks ago. At this point the pain and bruising is gone and now I am left with a lot of scar tissue and some leftover swelling. It looks a LOT better than it did, but there is still a way to go. The plastic surgeon tells me it will take another 2 months before it will look the way it is supposed to look. In the meantime I have to massage the eye area twice a day for about 10 minutes per session, to try to break up the scar tissue. I am antsy for it to look “normal” but I know it takes time. Meanwhile, my daughter (age 14) has been asking me to take her to get her ears double pierced, and I am planning to taking her to a tattoo parlor for this. I have always wanted to get a cartilage piercing and I am heavily leaning towards getting my rook pierced. It would be convenient to get both appts done at the same time. Should I wait until my eyelids are fully healed before getting the piercing? I guess what I am asking is does my body need time to heal from the bleph procedure before doing a piercing that also needs to heal? I am excited for the piercing and would love to get it done now, but do not want to slow down the eyelid healing process. I am 46, in case it matters.

    1. I can’t think of why this would matter, since your cartilage is nowhere near your eye. Consult your doctor if you want to be absolutely sure, but otherwise…enjoy your new piercing!

    2. Congrats on having the surgery. I’m envious! I think you should let your body heal then get the piercing. After surgery, you are more at risk for all types of infections. You’ve waited this long, another 2 months isn’t too much to ask.

  17. I mentioned my state’s protected leave yesterday when someone asked about trial dates and didn’t get back to the post until much later to see a bunch of people asked what state I was in, so posting today. I’m in North Carolina. I always get the term wrong– it’s actually called secure leave. You get 3 weeks each year where you can file notice with the court and they won’t schedule any proceedings during that time (and no depositions may be scheduled). It must be for at least an entire week, and you have to file 90 days in advance of the secured leave (and obviously you can’t already have anything scheduled–ie, you can’t use it just to delay things). You also get an extra 12 weeks if you have/adopt a child. Only applies to our lower level courts. I thought this was fairly common in the US but I guess not? I think it’s been around since the late 90s, early 2000s. I think a lot of attorneys in NC are at smaller firms/solos and may not have people to cover, so it makes a lot of sense. It’s N.C. R. Prac. Super. & Dist. Ct. 26 if anyone wants to look at the statute and lobby your state bar to push for it in your state:-)

      1. Wow — I’m in NC, but not a litigator. Had I known of this when I was in law school . . .

    3. Oooh okay, but that’s not the same as PTO from your employer. That’s why I was confused. I like this concept for all y’all lawyers, though!

    4. Yeah, I’ve heard of this (I think in many states it’s called “notice of unavailability”) but I think many people were interpreting your comment yesterday about protected leave to refer to protected leave from your employer. If you’re a junior associate on a Big Law case with lots of partners, your vacation does not dictate the trial schedule, so you are still at the whims of the partners’ schedules.

      1. Ah. Yea, no, just the courts. Though my firm does have “mandatory” vacation for associates (in theory, they have to take at least two weeks totally offline. We implemented this about the time I became a salaried partner, so I have no idea how it’s actually working out for associates), and I can’t imagine anyone at my firm missing their honeymoon for work. We will find someone to cover for you for that.

        1. I agree, even in the biggest of Big Law, honeymoons are sacred. But regular vacation isn’t.

  18. I feel really stuck career-wise. Bottom line is, I’ve climbed the ladder as far as I’m going to go, don’t really care about advancing further, and am just tired of solving this particular set of problems. I really wish I could go off the path, career wise, but I have no idea what I’d do instead. Make a living off being an Instagram influencer, hahaha? I have actually applied to be a contributor to a couple of mom blogs/podcasts and have been rejected … probably because my path IS so traditional. I am feeling like I’m in a midlife crisis or something. What the heck is all this for? I make a good living, but not oodles of money or anything. It’s like I’m too old to start over (have kids and obligations) but definitely very far from being able to retire. I do not know what to do with this angst. Something tells me that just switching jobs isn’t going to solve the problem because it’s deeper than that.

    1. I always recommend this, but can you find a charitable cause or two to devote some time to while keeping your current job? I’m in a similar career place (although much closer to retirement than you) and devote most of my emotional energy to no-work causes and it’s quite rewarding. For me it’s my Rotary Club and a significant local educational nonprofit board, but it could be anything that touches your heart.

    2. Why don’t you go ahead and start a blog or a newsletter? I’ve had both going for years and it’s a really fun way to get in touch with a more creative side. It could lead to a new career too, depending on how you grow it. I found it really fun to learn the behind the scenes of social media, marketing, etc.

    3. I don’t really have advice but I totally feel the same as you do. I feel really stuck and don’t know what else to do. And I feel like all these people who are making it as bloggers, vbloggers, tiktokers, instainfluencers are so lucky and I missed that boat! Not that I could have done what they do or be good at it, but like why can’t I find something that I love and make money off of it? I have been having lots of conversations with people though about their careers, why they made the choices they did and what advice they have, which I feel like is at least taking some concrete step towards something. I’m also going to read What Color is Your Parachute.

    4. Your journey of re/discovery COULD be your blog. I feel like that’s how Gretchen Ruben’s Happiness Project started… you could try different methods that various people suggest and blog about them.

      1. I believe Gretchen Ruben was an author first, wrote the book, and then started the blog.

        However, I totally agree that blogging is a good project/outlet and I would read the blog about different methods on re/discovery. Especially if you did it consistently on a schedule – that’s key for staying engaged with blogs.

    5. for those that think the influencer thing is a fun legit job, I highly recommend reading this blog post by Orlando Soria.

      1. Idk how I just posted that so quickly.
        Here’s the link – https://orlandosoria.com/2022/01/10/a-covid-comedy-of-errors/

        My favorite part is this:
        “I never set out to be an influencer. It’s absolutely a stupid job. And a constant punchline. No one respects it, rather than being seen a people producing the kind of content that used to be reserved for magazines, you’re seen as a some sort of tacky douchebag who takes pictures of themselves acting like a dumb idiot while raking in the dollars. It seems so easy from the outside because it is an influencer’s job to make it look easy.”

        Also, I personally tried a full on influencer type job a few years ago (was following DH around the country for career changes, so it made sense to try something new) and I HATED it after a few months. It was hard for me to admit, but it felt very forced and like I was always being “on” and literally fighting for popularity – blerch.

        So anyway, I don’t think you were serious about the influencer thing but maybe that will help with that anyway.

        Back to your question, what I do recommend personally is some kind of fitness class instructor. I’m a yoga teacher and I think it’s the perfect adjacent thing to my normal career. I started out just teaching a class a week and it super scratches the itch of wanting something different, kind of rounds out my life. After a few years and different iterations, things have nicely fell into place and I’m opening my own small yoga studio in a few months that I’m keeping really laid back and easy and not forcing into something big or super profitable – the goal is to stay just profitable enough to cover everything comfortably. Because I have my regular job to make money, I can keep that for fun without the pressure to MAKE SOMETHING WORK or a big side hustler or anything.

        IDK what that is for you, but I’d recommend looking for something like that rather than a new job.

        1. +1 it’s so different doing it for fun vs. trying to make even a halfway career out of it. I was a micro-influencer (~5k followers) in the travel space. I earned virtually zero cash income, but I did get quite a bit of comped travel, although mostly just in my local area, nothing super exciting. I grew to really hate the responsibility of blogging and Instagramming my sponsored trips and it really completely sucked the joy out of travel for me. I “quit” (I still have my blog and Insta but update them almost never) and it was definitely the right decision for me. Even the best hobby will cease to be fun when it’s no longer a hobby.

    6. This is not the magic bullet answer but I was where you are at around age 45. I just couldn’t do the same thing day in and day out that I had been doing my whole career, since early 20’s. But, I didn’t know what else I could do, or want to do and I had financial obligations and two young-ish kids. I ended up leaving my higher paying, higher stress job and took a step back in title and income, so I would be able to easily do the new job but not have the stress of performing at a high level. It has made all the difference because now my emotional and intellectual energy is spent on my life outside of work – my hobbies, family, friends, exercising, volunteering, travel. I never had the time or energy for that before in my old job since it was so demanding. When I was at my old job, I honestly thought I would have to wait until I retired to have a regular exercise routine! Now I have the time and energy to exercise! There are still days I wish I could just do something different, but now I focus more on every thing outside of work, instead of just work.

    7. I don’t know how to say this without coming across as grumpy, so just accept that I am grumpy.

      Whatever your chosen alternative career path, do not go in with an expectation that your friends who are still stuck on the corporate path are going to finance your new path. Yes, I’m talking about MLMs but also have had this experience with wanna-be influencers.

      If you’re going to do it, you have to have a viable plan that doesn’t just involve taking a % of your friends’ income – you have to be selling something other people want to buy, not simply out of obligation so that you “know who your real friends are.” Your friends are probably also very often miserable at the grind and don’t owe you a percentage because you were the one who decided to opt out.

      Off my soapbox now.

      1. Uhhh … where did you get the idea that I wanted to go the MLM route? I was clearly joking about becoming an influencer.

        1. I didn’t. But I’ve yet to have a friend who hopped off the corporate merry go round who didn’t pressure her friends to support her new venture in some way. I seriously do not know how much frozen yogurt I could possibly have been expected to eat in 2018, but it clearly wasn’t enough!

  19. Any tips for smelly feet??? Ever since I have been back in the office in heels/flats with pants (i.e. no hose), I have noticed that all of my heels/flats and feet stink at the end of the day. I am in New England, so it is cold here and I don’t notice my feet getting particularly sweaty. This doesn’t happen in my other shoes where I wear socks!! Help!

    2. Deodorant foot spray. I use one from Avon because I order other stuff from them, but I think there are similar products at the drugstore.

    3. I try to wear the little footie socks as much as possible but I commiserate. I have been dealing with this my whole life and I, sadly, think some of it is genetic.

    4. Wear leather shoes with leather linings, and never wear the same shoes on consecutive days.

      1. Stuffing with newspaper (yes, I know having an actual paper newspaper is very retro, but maybe use those newspaper-like flyers that sometimes show up in the mail box) can help de- stink shoes. I’ve also heard spraying with vodka is good for getting the stinks out of clothes maybe it works for shoes, too.

    6. Put rubbing alcohol into a small spray bottle and lightly spray the full insole whenever you’re done wearing for the day. This has been my biggest game changer!
      Other things that help:
      Wear little invisible socks. These are my favorite as they’re truly no-show: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B082PMTN26/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
      Wear shoes with leather insoles.
      Rotate shoes. At least give them one day off between wears.

    7. Lume. It’s an all body deodorant. Sold online. I use it and it really works. It’s kind of a lotion type formula. You can use it on your feet or anywhere else.

    10. Scholls makes a foot spray that I think works great. And I’m with you re it being confusing! I go years without needed it and then for a few months my feet / shoes suddenly decide they’re smelly. And then it eventually goes back to the prior generally unsticky stage. Very odd. Foot spray is your friend. I just keep one can at home and one at work.

  20. I went on a date to a guys house which was very nicely decorated, he had cleaned it and lit a scented candle and otherwise prepared it for company, and we cooked together (really he did more of the cooking). I am just so impressed, and I did not think a nice apartment would have such an impact on me. Its not fancy or expensive – it’s well decorated and maintained.
    I think this guy is better at cooking and interior decorating than I am. Guys should know that that is incredibly attractive, not girly or whatever other stereotypes they have. Clearly I’ve been dating boys not men!

    1. My now-husband was like that when I met him. I was floored that he had moved to my city 5 months prior and had curtains hung. And art on the walls. And rugs. And furniture that was clearly not college leftovers. None of it was fancy or prissy – it was all Target/Home Depot stuff, but it was immensely impressive.

      1. Mine too! I remember arriving at his place early one time and he was vacuuming his blinds.

    2. I agree! My husband cares more and has a better aesthetic sense than me, so he handles all decor/paint/contractor/making the yard pretty things. He’ll run ideas by me, and I veto things when I really care, but it’s nice to not think about those things!

    3. Agree! I don’t need your apartment to look like a magazine, but if you have pots and pans that you use, more than one towel, sweep before folks come over, etc, I’m impressed! My now husband is a graphic designer and had clearly meaningful to him art up all over, and I found that very endearing.

    4. Yes! Although one guy counteracted all the positives of his gorgeous home with the fact that sportsball was on TV 24/7 at a volume so high it was hard to hear him, which I guess was the point because he was too distracted by redzone or whatever to have a conversation in his house. It made him seem so dull. I like reality shows but I don’t blast them at top volume all day and night including when I have a potential romantic interest over.

    5. A friend of mine had an experience like this. His apartment looked amazing and it was all DIY. So beautiful that she snuck us in to look at it when he was at work (I know I know…. we were young….). It was meticulous. Painted beautiful colors, looked like a store catalogue … just crazy.

      Honestly, we joked that he had to be gay. Well, they are married now. But deep down, I am still expecting the call when he admits he finally had a revelation….

        2. Can we stop with the “Yikes”? It’s so judgy and snotty.

          I’m not a fan of that line of thinking – just be happy that your friend found a good guy who cares about his living environment. Unwarranted cynicism is not healthy.

        3. It’s not a negative to think a man is gay. Often the stereotype is based on reality.

      1. Very true, just made me realize how bad other guys’ apartments have been.
        On the other hand, he has much more artwork up than I do. although our decorating styles are just a bit different there.

    7. I convinced my male BFF to get curtains and he constantly thanks me because it’s helped his dating life so much. Hes so obsessed he tells all his male friends about the wonders of Ikea curtains too, Lol.

    8. My friends said “Are you sure he’s not gay?” when they came over the first time.

  21. I’m annoyed with one of my law partners and I need to vent. He asked me to help edit an associate’s work on a case I have never been involved in. Next to no heads up, very tight deadline. I did the best I could with limited knowledge and very limited time. The partner is unhappy with the result – seems to blame me for it – and asked me to get more involved in the case. Fine I’ll work on getting up to speed. Yesterday and today he’s asked me to help respond to things on a very quick basis. I told him I will do what I can but I have other matters with imminent deadlines too. He’s getting increasingly exasperated with me because I can’t respond as quickly as he wants when I’m in meetings. He just came into my office and literally said, “oh come ON” because I didn’t respond to an email in under an hour while I was on Zoom in another matter. As if I’m sitting here not doing anything. I get that we’re understaffed and that’s frustrating but 1) I’m not an associate gtfo, and 2) even if I were this behavior is unacceptable. Any other relatively junior partners dealing with this kind of slippage because we can’t seem to hire enough associates?

    1. Ew, gross. This is one of the reasons I don’t want to go back to private practice as a ~10 year experience lawyer.

      I don’t know what your agreement is with the partners, but that sounds way out of line. Is it normal for him to be able to tell you now to get more involved in the case?

      1. Well he didn’t tell me to get involved he asked, and I said yes because I have had some downtime lately and I know he’s in a bad spot and really needs the help. I’m starting to regret it already though!

    2. Your partner’s behavior is ridiculous, but the last sentence hits home. I am managing my cases and doing substantive work that I would normally assign out to associates because of our shortages. And I know I can’t be the only one.

    3. am Senior-est Associate in our 2-Partner-firm and HARD AGREE. I am exhausted catering to the whims of these two men, under-market-paid while I’m doing it, training warm-body new hires top to bottom because we cannot find anyone else competent to work.

      I dream everyday of a raise

  22. I am cold and fantasizing about summer. What are your favorite lake or oceanside resorts? I am dying to paddleboard and sit by the water all day while also eating amazing seafood.

    2. I think it’s an effort to get away from ableist language like “that’s lame” or worse. I’m not aware of anyone offended by “gross”?

    3. I do not know, but I hate it. My husband uses “gross” to describe other people’s weird political beliefs and after tolerating it for about two years, I finally asked him to stop. I have an aversion to words being used incorrectly. I also hate using “literally” when you mean “figuratively”.

      1. That seems like a fine use of “gross” to me. I don’t understand why it’s inaccurate?

        1. Agree. I just looked up Merriam-Webster’s definition and the first definition is “glaringly noticeable usually because of inexcusable badness or objectionableness”…..that’s a good description of a lot of the political beliefs that I don’t agree with.

          With that definition, it actually makes much more sense to say “gross political beliefs” than “gross roaches”.

      2. So the thing is that language is not a static monolith; it is always changing. If a word is used in popular parlance a certain way and someone uses it that way, they’re not actually using the word incorrectly. It’s ok to have preferences (everyone does!) but it’s just wrong to say that using “gross” in the context being discussed is incorrect. Coincidentally, it’s also wrong to say that using “literally” to mean “figuratively” is incorrect because that is how our language has changed over time.

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