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Updated: Jan 25, 2022 103 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Thermal Heat Cap

Coffee Break

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product image of a black woman wearing a teal blue shower cap with a Hawaiian print.

I just used the other day, and don't think I've blogged about this relatively new purchase of mine: a thermal heat cap for hair masks! This is the one I got at the recommendation of a friend, but I see that Amazon has a ton of cordless ones — if you have one you like, I'd love to hear about it!

They say that heat can work wonders when you're doing a hair mask because it opens your hair follicle and helps the product absorb better. I also just like the warm and cozy feeling on my head, especially if I'm between two showers.

Some tips if you're interested: 1) have a cheap shower cap on hand to collect your wet hair, both so your hair isn't falling everywhere, and so you don't get the product on the inside of the cap. (It's wipeable, but I wouldn't want to submerge it.) 2) Put a towel on your neck so your dripping wet hair doesn't get all over the seat where you're chilling.

I like it and would buy it again. It's $29 at Amazon, available in 7 colors. (I have this super attractive pattern.) (Kidding.)

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Psst: these are a few of my favorite hair masks — which are yours?

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    How long would you wait before calling a recruiter back?
    Backstory: Last year I declined an offer that was pretty good because I wasn’t ready to make a move (dumb, I know). Last week I was contacted by a recruiter from the company & she reiterated their interest in me. We had a quick call & she said she’d spin up a new offer and get back to me in a day or two. That was last Monday. I am dying to quit my job and make a move so I’m inclined to go ahead and check-in with her. I just don’t want to throw away any negotiation leverage. How long would you wait it out?

      • anon

        +1 OP – you’re greatly overestimating the negative effect of a breezy follow-up. Don’t overthink this.

    • Anon

      “Hi Susan, Just following up on our call from last week. Interested in hearing what Firm has to say. Thanks!”

  2. Anonymous

    Is this this particular guy or a lifestyle/NYC thing or what? Have been dating someone long distance for nearing two years. We had agreed early on that if we saw this ending in an engagement, he’d have to leave NYC to move to me as I have a few more years to go in a fellowship so I can’t move. He agreed and recently has come down to stay with me for 6 weeks as he’s still work from home but nothing is permanent yet.

    So I knew this about him a bit in NYC but now seeing him living in a medium sized city, he can’t seem to handle life. Won’t drive and seems to think Uber or cabs are always more convenient; they aren’t – shortages of uber so wait times are long and prices have gotten high and cab companies you have to call and wait a half hr or more since they’ve largely gone under over the years. But to him ugh free parking in a garage is SUCH a hassle. Any small task – won’t do it himself – let’s just pay someone. In NYC he constantly slips $20-50 to doormen, porters etc. to have them stop in for the simplest of tasks from building a 2 shelf bookcase to hooking up a cable box to a TV. We don’t have that kind of help available here unless you keep a handyman on call and they charge set prices to come out, they aren’t coming because you slip them a $20. And you can only imagine he doesn’t cook, do dishes etc.

    He plays it off like oh I’m a New Yorker this is how we live, every other city/state is dumb [sure he’s lived there for 15 yrs but isn’t from NYC and grew up in regular upper middle class suburbia]. I feel like he moved from mom/dad [who aren’t like this] to dorms to NYC and still lives the dorm life – sleep; shower; work; fun even at age 37; but no “adult” tasks – and revels in the fact that he’s “rich” enough that he doesn’t have to lift a finger. And while he makes good money – and if we were to marry post fellowship he and I would do well financially – he doesn’t have the type of NYC finance job with 100k+ bonuses. It’s not the type of money where an extra $100 going out the door per week goes unnoticed. He himself has said he wishes he could save more etc. As I’m like uh you bought a $50 desk chair at the start of WFH but couldn’t bothered assembling it but also doormen didn’t feel comfortable coming into residents’ apartments then so you paid the night doorman to assemble it in the lobby overnight for $100 and wheel it up to you??

    Thoughts?? I can’t see being married to him right now. I also work 80 hrs/wk and don’t have the time/energy to teach a 37 yr old how to do life. And if I’m being honest there’s something about a man who can’t use a drill for a super basic project or deal with driving that seems . . . unmanly/unattractive to me. Yet are those reasons to break up?

    • Anonymous

      Girl we aren’t the ones banging him! Do you like him or not? Don’t start some silliness over whether it’s a NYC thing. Who cares? Do you like him or not?

    • Anon

      I think it’s your guy, not some general NYC thing. If he was the right guy you were madly in love with, I don’t think you’d mind if he couldn’t use a drill.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      He’s 37 and isn’t going to change. It seems like if you ended up together that he’d resent moving away from NYC, and you’d (very rightfully, IMO) resent him not being an adult about life tasks and responsibilities.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t be able to date someone who doesn’t drive or do basic Ikea level assembly. It would drive me nuts. And . . What happens if you break your leg? Would he be able to drive you to the hospital and take care of the household tasks while you’re recovering? Or would you be Ubering yourself to hospital?

    • Cat

      this is not a normal “city dweller” thing – your dude is unusually helpless.

    • Anonymous

      Not one thing you have written makes it sound as if you have any interest in being married to this man.

    • Anonymous

      Any reason you want is a reason to break up – that’s for you to decide.

      How to interpret this – I think the driving thing really can be a city thing. In a crowded inner city cars make no sense at all, and while I’d be more about public transport or walking than ubers, I totally get not having MUST USE CAR as your default. Annoying for you, but probably truly an experienced thing that would take some time to change.

      But the not cooking, not doing dishes, not trying to figure things out dorm life thing? I’d be over that in 10 minutes. If you are handy with a drill, I don’t really get him having to be, but just having abandoned all adult tasks, nopety nope.

      If you do end up wanting to marry him, budget for help for everything. Cleaning, shopping, maintenance. Don’t just budget for his avoidances, but remove burdens from you that should have been joined as well.

      • Anon

        I know someone who had an urban internet BF who wouldn’t drive. Turns out he had a DWI and when she needed to go to the ER, he finally ‘fessed up.

    • Anonymous

      It’s both. It’s THIS guy, but IME there are a lot of guys in Manhattan that are like this and pride themselves on this. It works out for them with women who want to live this way – they also want to pay people for everything. It just may not be the life you want. There’s nothing wrong with that. There are men and women who get a lot of satisfaction from doing things themselves, even if they could afford to outsource it all – they like mowing the lawn or whatever.

      • Anonymous

        +1. My husband came to our relationship without very many practical skills, but since we can afford to hire a plumber, and to do repairs using a handyman, I was totally ok with that. I have zero interest in spending my weekends listening to my spouse curse under the sink. But if you have a sort of blue collar notion that a man should be able to fix things, this may not be the guy for you.

    • Anon

      So many words to say you’re fed up with a helpless manbaby. Pluck the pacifier.

    • Anonymous Grouch

      Yes – break up! You’re being given a perfect chance to see what he would be like in your city, vs. NYC where he feels more at home, and it’s obvious that your approach to “adulting” is wildly different. Wish him well and send him back to NYC where he’ll be happy.

      As an aside, I have dealt with this type of out-of-touch New York approach before. At one of my old offices, located in a far suburb with few amenities, our Big Boss used to visit from New York and wonder why we couldn’t get a catered lunch for 10 delivered on 15 minutes notice, or why we had to call cabs 1/2 hour before he needed to leave. He wasn’t bad-intentioned, just clueless about how things work outside THE CITY.

    • Anon

      Break up, and soon. This is a very costly way to live and even men who do have those high paying jobs are capable of performing basic life tasks. He thinks he’s too special and that’s not ever going to change.

      Unless you are firmly childfree, try to imagine this dude changing a diaper at 2 am. Now break up with him.

      • Cornellian

        Agreed. Plus he may stop making as much money or get disabled or his field might go under or or or. It doesn’t sound like he has a diverse set of skills. It’s one thing to throw money at problems during stressful periods of life, it’s another to throw money at every problem you ever encounter.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t take this on. You’re be mothering him and any kids you have for the rest of your life. No one is saying every guy needs to be a chef or a contractor but I’m sorry a dad needs to be just as capable of throwing some pasta sauce on noodles and feeding the kid and washing dishes after and of putting together that bike you got the kid for his birthday, as a mom. You can’t outsource everything in life even if you have money; I mean in other countries you definitely can. My family in Asia would think this dude was 100% normal because they have armies of servants who take care of every task in life and they aren’t especially rich. That level of in home service just doesn’t exist in America if you’re upper middle class; I think it only exists if you are the Hollywood A/B list or the owner of a hedge fund in Connecticut type of wealthy – he sounds like a regular NYC finance bro who’ll do fine in Charlotte or wherever you’ll live but we’re not talking Jamie Dimon here.

    • Ellen

      DTMFA. Seriously. He’s a loser and sounds like my Ex. Is his name Alan? Well, if not, he sure sounds similar, except my ex was cheap and never spent a dime of his own. But trust me, it has nothing to do with NYC. As Shekespere once said, a douche is a douche is a douche no matter where he is, and mine couldn’t do much other than eat, drink and stink up my bathroom with his vomit.

      You are smart to have recognized the problem before he impregnated you with his sperm. You’d be in a pickle if you had to raise a child with him, even if you were not married. So stick to my advice, and DTMFA NOW!!!!! YAY!!!

    • Anonymous

      Some of this is normal, but I think you have to pay attention to both of your reactions to it. I think it’s common for New Yorkers to be a little helpless with things like driving and yardwork. But it sounds like he has no interest in learning these things, and you are irritated with him. That’s a recipe for a breakup.

      Source: lived in NY for a long time, assembled some of my own Ikea furniture during those years, but still was a little helpless when I eventually moved into a house and faced home maintenance and car ownership for the first time in my life!

    • anonshmanon

      Idk about unmanly, if my sibling or close friend would behave like that, I’d have trouble respecting them too. He’s just not an adult and can’t be a committed partner in an adult relationship.
      As others have said, this is NOT a big city thing.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, these are most definitely reasons to break up.

      Throw him back and find yourself a functional adult human being.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve lived in NYC for almost 20 years and this is just him. Most of us can’t afford to live this way, although I guess NYC’s population density probably facilitates it. If you don’t like it (and I would not), MOVE ON!

      • Anonymous

        To clarify, I mean if you don’t like his “lifestyle,” move on. My husband is more into DIY than anyone I know and changes the oil in our car lying on the side of the road in Brooklyn. We both derive a lot of satisfaction from doing things ourselves, and I respect that in others too. I certainly cannot imagine co-parenting with this man, if that is an interest of yours. Doormen don’t change diapers.

    • Anon

      “And if I’m being honest there’s something about a man who can’t use a drill for a super basic project or deal with driving that seems . . . unmanly/unattractive to me.”

      It’s not unmanly, maybe, but it is juvenile. I have assembled my own furniture, hung my own pictures and hanging plants, done small repairs around my house, etc. because that’s part of being a grown-up person who handles their own stuff. More than just not being able to afford to call someone in all the time – sometimes people are straight-up not available to fix something or do something on short notice, especially outside of a place like NYC. Same with driving; I’ve never understood people who move to places where driving is necessary and then don’t or won’t drive. I don’t love driving but I need to get from point A to point B, so I do it. Adulthood involves doing all kinds of things we don’t love doing, or don’t want do, but have to do anyway.

      I feel like you have nailed it with your observation that this dude is not fully grown up. Big question: do you want him growing up on your time? That could take years, or never happen, and hopefully you have seen enough posts here about the trauma of being married to immature man-babies to know not to do that to yourself. There are probably other guys out there who know how to adult without constant coaching. I am not big on traditional gender roles but I am big on personal responsibility and emotional maturity. Those are absolutely reasons to break up with someone.

    • NYNY

      Some New Yorkers are like this, others are not. But OP, it really sounds like you don’t like him very much, and also like he may be pushing back against moving to your town. Time to just say fooey and move on.

      • anon

        +1,000 I wouldn’t have lasted nearly this long even long distance with this guy.

    • CB

      Oof. Yes this sounds painful. I don’t drive and occasionally I have to be collected like an errant teenager (but quite rarely. I have feet, a bike, and a debit card for the bus) but I’m competent in most other ways.

      • Anon

        This! I drove for the first time in IDK how long yesterday to haul a friend to the ER (after bandaging the wound so he wouldn’t bleed all over his car). Choosing not to drive != not a grownup. This dude sounds pretentious and exhausting, but I’m not the one contemplating a life with him.

    • AIMS

      It sounds like you don’t want to marry him.
      Also, it does not matter if he has a ton of money. I dated someone who took an absurd amount of pride in not doing anything for himself and he could certainly afford to do that but it drove me bonkers. To the point that I probably have him to thank for being extra handy because I felt the need to go out of my way to show him how easy some of this stuff all was (and I’d like to think even he would have been able to put together a chair, or at least to know to order one that didn’t require assembly if that wasn’t his thing). The point is unless you find this charming, cut your losses now.
      And, no, this isn’t a NYC thing.

    • Anonymous

      Woah, I was cutting him some slack until you dropped his age. DH and I are 37. I burst out laughing because my 8 year old put together my desk chair during the pandemic.

      It’s not NYC; it’s your guy. He won’t change. It will drive you at TT. Time to move on!

    • Bonnie Kate

      I don’t know anything about whether it’s a NYC thing, but I’ll say this – he’s 37, I really doubt he’s going to start being self-sufficient in these areas now no matter where he lives. I think you should break up with him because you’re already say you can’t see being married to him with the way that he is, and – even if you did have the bandwidth to try and teach him out to life – men aren’t fixer upper projects. Plus it doesn’t even sound like he wants to change/do these things if he’s going out of his way to keep doing it his way when it’s not convenient.

      Also, I’ll say this – I’ve been married to an extremely capable man for many years and it is one of the things about him that actually becomes more attractive to me the longer we’re together. I so appreciate that he wired our whole house (okay he is a master electrician, so that one was easy), knows how to fixer our furnace, has all the tools and know how to use them, can build furniture, can move furniture and secure big things (like I cannot use ratchet straps to save my life, thank god he can), knew how to change the tire and get a new one when we blew a tire on vacation, can back trailers up…. Seriously, watching him back up a trailer – something I absolutely could not do – with precision and confidence is so impressive to me despite seeing it a million times in the last 19 years. It just makes him a really good life partner that he can do a lot of things that I can’t/won’t/don’t want to do.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1,000,000 to your second paragraph. Nothing sexier than a man who knows how to Do Things.

        • early retirement

          I was just going to say… sounds like the sexiest man alive to me. Where can I get one? I’ve never felt so sad for being single.

          I am so jealous.

          • Anon

            Engineers. Swipe right on every engineer you find.

            One of my friends can fix car engines, build furniture, and cook gourmet meals. I’m hoping some woman sees beyond the medium height and initial quietness and snaps him up.

          • Curious

            I vote with Anon. Come to Seattle, we have thousands. Some only program but many are like this.

    • Anonymous

      If you think it is a problem, then it’s a problem. If you are not happy with him break up. Some people wouldn’t mind that, you do. No shade on you.

      • NYCer

        +1. As others have said, it does not matter if this is a NYC thing or not. It seems clear from your post that he is not a match for you.

    • anon

      This person may not be a match for you, but some of the things you bring up are a cultural difference that could be compromised over time. For example, everyone here who is just like “refusing to drive is ridiculous!”- when I was in NYC for many years I would go sometimes 6-12 months without driving a car. It was scary to me to do it again. If I could just take an uber somewhere, I totally would. Also, I wouldn’t pay a doorman to put something together, but I would definitely pay the store to assemble it, deliver it, etc. because I didn’t have tools in my tiny ass studio.

    • Anon

      Break up with him. It doesn’t matter whether any of us could deal with these habits/traits (me, no. some could, I’m sure) but the really important thing is that you have contempt for him. Your post is dripping with contempt. That is no way to live your life, it’s miserable (been there) and it’s the #1 relationship killer. Once you get past a certain point, it’s not fixable. Live your life, let him live his. Move on.

    • anne-on

      Are…are you dating my brother? He’s also willfully incompetent, and in case you were wondering, no it does not get better after you have children with him. Ask my 70 year old parents about how awesome it is that they’re the ones who have to remember to stock up on toilet paper/milk/dipers as he can’t be bothered.

    • Anonymous

      He is not an actual adult. Find someone who can do basic adulting. Like my 8 year old daughter can cook basic food and assemble simple ikea stuff. It’s not a manliness thing, it is a basic adulting thing.

    • Anon

      My exH managed to hide the fact that he preferred to function as an helpless man toddler from me until we were married and then the truth came out. Weaponized incompetence is demoralizing to live with and leads to simmering resentment that won’t go away. Be very grateful for the honest preview of what life with this guy would be like. Send him back to NYC and don’t accept anything less than a full partner.

    • anon

      DH and I have lived together in a southern city, in NYC, and in a suburb of the first southern city. When we were in NYC, we cooked way less than at any other time in our adult lives because the grocery store was not close, the kitchen was tiny, we didn’t have a dishwasher, and we largely had separate work schedules and rarely ate together. Of course we didn’t have a car, and DH loved taking cabs. I remember asking him where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, and he immediately chose an under-budget restaurant but added “and I want to take a cab there and back.” We didn’t have space for tools beyond the very basic hand tools, so it may have made sense to hire the super to assemble furniture (though honestly, I remember DH assembling a desk chair for me before a 12-hour take-home exam). We hated doing laundry in the shared laundry room, and we used a wash-and-fold laundry service on occasion, usually after my exams. There’s nothing wrong with that lifestyle–we weren’t any less adults because we chose to pay people to do things for us when they were inconvenient and miserable.

      Now, we live in the suburbs of a southern city. We have a 2700 sq ft house plus a 2 car garage. We’ve changed. We use our cars as the default and only Uber if we’ll be drinking. We have a large, renovated kitchen full of gadgets and with standard-size appliances, including a dishwasher. Of course we have in-home laundry. DH does lots of DIY projects, which he learns how to do through YouTube and time-consuming mistakes, and there’s a garage full of tools (which doesn’t stop DH from buying a new one for each new project). We clean our own house and mow our own lawn and try to maintain the yard. There’s some satisfaction to all this, but we probably spend 75% of our free time on it. It’s not inherently better than a City lifestyle.

      Don’t get me wrong. Break up if you don’t imagine your lifestyles being compatible, and especially if you think it will lead to condescension or resentment.

    • TDS

      I just want to point out that even this man’s own doormen do not think his behavior is normal. They told him they were uncomfortable with his chair assembly plans and he had to find an alternative person plus negotiate with them to persuade them to do it. For $100. This is not NYC behavior.

      Also, as someone who has gone the opposite direction from a small city to NYC, many people here do drive. But also, even though I come from a car culture, I have learned to ride the bus, subway, and light rail … because I’m an adult who understands that it’s necessary to be flexible and adapt to a new area.

    • AnonMPH

      I’m from New York City. I was one of very few people from my high school who got their drivers license while we were pretty young (and I didn’t get mine till I was 22). I live in a city now that doesn’t require a car, but where cars are much handier than they are in NYC. Before I moved in with my husband I didn’t own a car and biked everywhere all the time. Now I force myself to drive sometimes, even though my husband loves driving, because as an adult outside of Manhattan I really do think you need to be ABLE to drive. But I get preferring to avoid it if possible. I don’t like it, I’m not good at it, I find parking stressful.

      HOWEVER, all that being said. This guy is choosing helplessness as a lifestyle/status symbol. My Manhattan-dwelling family put together our own Ikea furniture. We cooked dinner probably 6 nights a week. Certain things are in the super’s job description to fix, but none of the things that you listed here. This is how he wants to live his life, and if you don’t want to live your life that way, you don’t want to be with him.

    • Anon

      With the caveat you should still break up because it sounds like you have a lot of contempt for this guy, I offer a few other thoughts from the consensus here. Yes, fixing things when you know how is sexy. However, not all men who actually know how to fix things but many think they should know how. There’s something great about the guy who’s actually willing to just call the plumber or handyman and doesn’t break everything first to prove something. I’m a city dweller and while I can drive and use a drill, I opt for Uber when parking will be a hassle and know my limits on when to not try to fix something. You’d be amazed at how often an “easy” project really isn’t.

    • Anon

      It sounds like you don’t especially like this person or enjoy living with them, so those are good reasons to break up.
      But id encourage you to explore the idea that driving and fixing things are manly qualities. Competence and problem solving are certainly great traits in a partner, but that can look a lot of different ways (including being able to manage outsourcing in a way you can afford or being great at public transit).

    • Allie

      I’ll chime in with dump him — this man doesn’t sound particularly flexible or adaptable — how would he be during a tornado? A hurricane? A whole family stomach bug? One of those crappy flight delays where you get stuck on the plane and the bathrooms get gross? You get COVID and need him to care for you? It just sounds like he’s not the type to adapt to the circumstances and help you. For me that would be a firm no in a life partner.

  3. Pregnant Anon

    I just learned that I am pregnant (on purpose, but it took some time and it’s a geriatric pregnancy – what a fun term – so it wasn’t really time-able). I am also a front runner for a BIG job in a very male-dominated field (I would be the only woman in a team of ~70 and supervising a bunch of men). I want the job and I can certainly do it under normal circumstances. Now, I am terrified of making all the tropes come true. As in, the first time they hire a woman for this role, she needs maternity leave less than a year into the job. Does anyone have stories of similar ambitions ending in success or failure? What would you do in this situation or would have done differently if you’ve been there?

    With my first pregnancy a number of years ago, I actually came back from leave to a new larger role because I did a fantastic job training my replacement, but I had been with that team for a few years beforehand and had plenty of time to establish myself. I feel like I’m in uncharted territory this time around.

    • Anonymous

      Take the job. Take the leave. Skip the pointless self inflicted guilt trips.

    • Anon

      “As in, the first time they hire a woman for this role, she needs maternity leave less than a year into the job.”

      Who cares?? Women get pregnant, it’s how our species survives. They can deal with it.

      • Anon

        And it’s definitely not your fault that its 2022 and the first time they’ve hired a woman. Or apparently, had one of their 70 men take paternal leave?!

      • Anon

        And it’s definitely not *your* issue that is 2022 and the first time they’ve hired a woman. Or apparently that none of their 70 men have ever taken paternal leave??

    • Anon

      someone was asking about switching jobs after having kids over on the moms page today and some good replies there. is the job at a new company or a different role at your current company? when will you know if you have the job? i’m trying to figure out an eloquent way to say this – but how far along are you in your pregnancy? i myself miscarried and know that no pregnancy is a sure thing (not trying to scare you, but i also don’t want you to preemptively turn down the job). i’d also try to negotiate good maternity leave and line up great childcare and all of the outsourcing you can afford.

      • Pregnant Anon

        Thank you for pointing to that thread. It’s an interesting discussion – my first is old enough that I have some “extra” time now to throw at big projects when needed. It’s possible I will have much less “extra” time after leave although I’m planning to throw the extra income from big job at more childcare.

    • Ellen

      Go for it. Who cares what they think? You want the job, go for it. If they can’t take your ovaries, they can stuff it. Of course supervising all men can be a problem. In my firm, I am one of 2 women, and the only woman partner. Nonetheless, men are always snickering at me behind my back, telling themselves that the only reason I am a partner is because I was “intimate” with the manageing partner. That is 100% false. I am always freindly, but I’ve never crossed the line with any boss, and no boss has ever seen me naked, let alone had sex with me. I pride myself in being a professional, not the floozie they think I am. FOOEY on them!

    • anonshmanon

      You’ve done half of this before! Planning well for your absence, delegating tasks and coming back very successfully. You had more time to establish yourself then, but you are more experienced now AND you are in charge this time.
      You can totally do this.
      I once heard about the woman who was being interviewed by a panel of older guys, and somehow the conversation got to the point that she could potentially need time off to have a baby (not legal to discuss but you know how it is) and disrupt business. She looked at the panel, and asked “a lot of you are now in the typical age for heart attacks, which usually happen suddenly, without time to prepare the team and workload, and require months in recovery time. How does the business handle those disruptions?”
      Not sure what was the outcome of that job interview, but I use that little tale whenever I seem to guilt myself out of asking for what is fair.

    • Anon

      You will be great. And you are breaking ground for the many many people to come who may also need this benefit. And frankly, it will never be a great time. So be confident, do your best, and then come back and kill it.

      • Pregnant Anon

        I hope that’s the case! Being able to open this job progression avenue to my current (mostly female) staff is a huge motivation for me. Thanks!

    • Anon

      No advice, just congratulations on both the personal and professional fronts. It’s nice when dreams are realized.

    • Anon

      Having been there…take the job now while you still have the opportunity. Do it to the best of your ability. Attend the pregnancy health checks. No guilt. Rooting for you!

    • MND

      Flipside: By being the pregnant/new mom leader, you are a role model for other employees who may feel limited by their family choices or gender. I’ve know several leaders who were promoted around having a baby, and I’ve never thought “wow, she’s letting down all women by taking maternity leave!” – rather if anyting it’s”she must be a bada s s that she can manage a new baby and a new big job!” &/or “The company must believe she is an excellent leader and worth the couple month wait to get her back fulltime in her role.”

  4. Anon

    When you were dating, how much did you initiate texts v. the guy? I am dating someone now who is nice, but he has a demanding job. Whenever I text, he enthusiastically and promptly (within the hour) responds. But I always have to initiate, otherwise I don’t hear from him! I know he’s dating other people. (I am too…) but we seem to like each other a lot. I can’t tell whether I am ‘chasing’ him or this is mutual.

    • anon

      If you want someone to initiate communication with you, this is not your guy. It doesn’t matter what we do or what we want, it’s about what you want. And this ain’t it.

      If you haven’t already, you can certain say that one of your needs in dating is that both partners initiate communication, and see what happens, but I don’t think this is changing even if you talk about it.

    • anonnnn

      Nope. I don’t date guys who don’t show interest in me (aka don’t reach out to me on their own). I have known the guy I am dating for three weeks now and he is managing to contact me from halfway around the world while his dad is dying. This guy isn’t the one for you.

      • Anon

        +1 Interested men pursue, disinterested men do not. If he were crazy about you (and we all deserve someone who’s crazy about us, butterflies in our stomachs kind of way!), he’d be texting you.

    • Anon

      Usually the guy initiated texts while I was dating, but I’m someone who doesn’t really like texting / don’t see the point of having a conversation with someone over text. Always happy to engage if others initiate and won’t hesitate to text about plans, but when dating hated the expectation that I just had text conversations. may just be a personality thing?

    • Anon

      My experience under similar circumstances is that if I’m not sure whether it’s mutual, it’s not. I spent a lot of time being the initiator, and wondering, only for things to fizzle out when I stopped initiating or had a conversation with the person about feelings. Then my current boyfriend and I matched. There was never a question that he was often initiating dates, conversations, everything. Now that we’re a few years in, he is a terrible tester (with everyone, not just me), but in the early days of the relationship, he made sure I knew he was interested.

      • Anon

        So true! I met my BF through friends, and part of the reason I knew he was interested is because he would start text conversations and respond to texts quickly when he is often a horrible texter who will forget to respond. IME, if a guy isn’t starting some of the text conversations, he isn’t interested

    • Anon

      I think your communication around arranging dates is more telling than run of the mill texting. Not everyone is a texter.

      • Anonymous

        This! If you guys have something on the books for your next date, the text is chitchat and that’s personality.

        If he leaves you hanging on if you’re free or booked Friday night, and you have to check in to see, then DTMFA.

    • TDS

      Maybe drop your end of the rope and see if he contacts you again. Perhaps he would but is just slower to do so than you. Or perhaps not. I don’t advocate playing games, so maybe think about this and wait until your ready to let him go if he’s not going to initiate.

    • Anon

      It depends on what’s important to you. An egalitarian relationship has always been important to me, so I am not the kind of person who thinks the man must initiate etc. When I met my husband 20+ years ago, I think we mostly emailed! But electronic communication has never been his favorite, so if I would have counted him out based on that, I would have missed out on a very fruitful 23 years and counting marriage. The important thing to me was that he was clear that he was as as excited about me as I was about him, and he was, and we continue to be kind of gaga about each other to this day.

    • Anon

      They key in your post is that you’re both dating other people. If this was a mutual attraction you’d have both cut that out. You’re on his B team it sounds like.

  5. Anon

    Ugh. I cannot have nice things. Exhibit #5 million: I have a nice silk scarf. I got it out and tried to practice putting it on, knots, etc. My hands are so rough from winter and COVID (years of hand sanitizer and scrubbing down does make for smooth skin). I feel like it has some snags on it now.

  6. Anom

    What’s the best way to gift cash to a 17 year old teenager (long distance, I won’t see my niece n person for her bday)? I’d prefer not to do an Amazon gift card or pay a ridiculous fee on a visa gift card from the drugstore.

    • anon

      I’m guessing this teenager has Venmo, CashApp, or something similar. If so, that’s the way to go IMO.

    • anne-on

      Zelle or Vemo. Or just about every big online retailer sells e-gift cards where you can just send the receipient the code.

    • Anon

      Venmo. (Although my bank doesn’t let me use Venmo, so I use Paypal with my kids. But we still call it Venmo.)

    • Anonymous

      Do all visa gift cards have fees? Maybe I didn’t notice when i bought them for teachers this year. hmmn.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I just bought a Visa gift card and didn’t have to pay a ridiculous fee. Emailed it. But you could also send her a Target card. Or Venmo. Or Apple Pay.

    • Anon

      Agreed that teenagers probably want Venmo, but gift cards to businesses like Target and Walmart don’t have any fees. I do them for teachers all the time.

    • Anon

      Target gift cards (electronic) are much more popular with my niblings than amazon. Don’t bother with a physical card. Just send one by text.

    • HW

      I personally would put actual cash in a card and send it in the mail. I think real cash is more fun and also seems easiest.

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