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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This relaxed-fit blazer from Open Edit is such a beautiful basic for an extremely affordable price. If you’re looking for a blazer to keep in the office for emergency meetings, they’ve got you covered. I’m always partial to black, but this one comes in black, burgundy, tan, brown, and beige. Just pick your favorite neutral and you’re covered!
The blazer is $79 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Clementine
What…. what are we calling the dress code of the model? Aerobics dominatrix business professional?
Anon
When you’ve left the club, come straight to work and then stolen a blazer from the office coat rack.
Anon
I feel like it is a very relaxed California look for when your period comes unexpectedly or you overflow your pad and have a stain to hide.
Anon
Please leave us out of this
Signed, a Californian
Seventh Sister
Agree.
Curious
Feels more like the hip neighborhoods of Seattle, TBH. Sorry, California, y’all don’t really wear black.
that said, we don’t do leopard.
Anokha
I would DIE if someone came to the office wearing a crop top with a blazer on top.
Anon
“Shirts optional so long as you’re wearing a blazer” is the most hilariously bizarre part of Emily in Paris to me (and there’s a lot of competition).
Anonymous
Is that even a crop top or is it just a bra? The myth of the bra (or no bra!) under blazer thing has persisted for years. Think Christina Applegate’s suit in beginning of The Sweetest Thing.
Anonymous
gatsby swing top
Anon
It’s definitely not work appropriate but I could wear Jean, cropped top and a blazer to dinner with my bf.
Cora
Influencer
Or maybe dinner-before-club.
Anonymous
It’s what happens when you spill all over your shirt and have to take it off.
anon
I feel like the days of the Emergency Blazer were already waning pre-pandemic; interested to see if people still find that they have situations that require a jacket that come up without prior notice. Maybe lawyers who could have unexpected hearings?
Anon
I think of maybe an Important On-Camera Zoom pops up. My dresses can stand on their own, but it’s mullet dressing otherwise. Only zooms allow for you to be business on top and party down below.
Anonymous
This. If I’m wearing a cozy sweater in the winter or a sleeveless top in summer, I may need to up the formality level for certain zooms so I keep a black blazer to pop on.
Anne-on
This – I have an emergency makeup stash at my desk for when I go on camera so I don’t look like Moriticia Adams and my husband keeps an emergency button down in his office at home as his normal WFH outfit is all soft pants/shirts all the time.
Anon
Oh I disagree, I style jeans with a blazer all the time. It’s a very cute, cooler work look. You can’t break up a suit and pull it off, but many blazers on the market are perfect for this.
Anon
I agree with you! I love a blazer with jeans.
Anonymous
+1. It is also super useful if you are going to a job interview while employed; you can bring a pair of dress pants and change covertly before the interview.
Anonymous
I can’t remember the last in-person job interview I’ve even heard about in my circles.
Anon
Same
Though it has happened that when I’ve quickly shed my fleece for a blazer, at least one person on the other side is wearing a fleece.
Clementine
I still have these. In fact, I have been asked a number of times when I’m the person physically in the office to go to a Big Meeting that is semi-remote to be the body in the room.
I still have two emergency blazers at my desk – one black collarless and one colored.
Anon
Our leadership has instructed us to keep an emergency blazer at our desks. I’ve been here a year and have yet to need it, but my role is 95% individual. One of my office mates uses hers about monthly.
My team was apparently suits pre-pandemic and now we’re nicer business casual.
F100 company. Analysts and business continuity team.
Anon Elder Millennial
Am a lawyer who sometimes unexpectedly has to run to court. I keep a dress and blazer in my office (and tights) for those occasions. Pre-pandemic, I always wore a suit or a dress that I could add a jacket to. Now I wear whatever on days that I don’t expect to go to court — usually black jeans that I can pretend are pants. We are still officially business formal, but I’m pretty senior and a top performer and it’s government and we’re horribly short staffed, so who’s going to say anything to me? Standards of dress have significantly dropped since the pandemic.
Anonymous
Thank goodness some attorneys are still keeping court ready clothes. I get attorneys appearing in my courtroom who think soft squishy “work from home” clothes are now appropriate in court. I wish someone would tell them it’s more likely that a court will take them seriously when they are dressed for court.
Sybil
Aren’t you the someone? I say if it’s your courtroom, you can absolutely tell them that.
Anon
“I’m sorry counselor, I can’t hear you, you’re wearing yoga pants.”
I knew a judge who did not hesitate to say “I’m sorry counselor, I can’t hear you when you’re sitting down”.
Trish
I live in south Florida. The women in Miami look like they are going clubbing. The women in Ft. Lauderdale are ready for the gym and Target. Yoga-y pants and shapeless cardigans are the norm. Then the younger women get mad if they are mistaken for a court reporter. YES, we can still be mistaken for court reporter even if a full suit but it is way less likley. If your opposing counsel is wearing a buttoned shirt, tie and jacket then you also need to be in appropriate court clothes.
Anonymous
Even several years ago I saw some pretty schlumpy attire on attorneys in limited jurisdiction courts in many places, including NYC. The old flared yoga pants, ratty sweaters with holes, etc. The stuff judges can get away with under their robes is also funny.
Anon Elder Millennial
That’s why I do it! Gives my that subtle edge when opposing counsel rolls in in “elevated sweatpants” — men are just as guilty as women of this in my jurisdiction. We also have a judge who wear crocs, but at least you can’t see them most of the time!
Anon
I regularly appear opposite a very junior lawyer who is wearing leather pants.
Her supervisor has been in court with her when this is happening, so i am leaving it to them (or the court) to sort out.
I am also someone who has surprise court reuglarly; most of my blazers live in my office because it’s easier for me to wear a cardigan under my parka.
Anonymous
Also in govt and wondering WTF to do with all my pre-pandemic suiting. Seems super formal now. Cozy turtleneck and dress pants today.
Trish
I bet some new public defenders or district attorneys would grab them!
nuqotw
My employer has a fairly conservative dress code for our industry (higher ed) but I keep a full back up suit in my office and I don’t see that changing ever. Suits are not required per se, but as the Wednesday suit of the week post says, a suit is often the easiest thing way to be appropriate for the workplace.
Anon
Interesting. I’m the OP, and it’s fascinating to see how many people still have a need for this! Pre-pandemic I was a transactional partner in big law, and hadn’t worn a suit in years but did occasionally wear an interesting jacket with bottoms.
In my current job (senior in-house lawyer at a F100 bank), dress code standards are so relaxed that a suit would actually be inappropriate in virtually all cases. Board meetings and meetings with our regulators would be the only situations where that would be necessary and those are never surprises at my current job.
Anonymous
I work at a government agency where the dress code is business casual, but we sometimes have unexpected meetings with government officials (who always wear suits) so I keep a couple of blazers at my desk for those meetings.
anon
Not really. Everything is so tightly scheduled now. But IANAL.
Mar
Pharmaceutical industry, manufacturing adjacent. I always have a blazer in case the FDA or other regulatory body drops by!
SallyForth
I wore mine yesterday mainly to hide the fact that I was somehow wearing the same shirt as on Friday. I didn’t think I’d be seeing my Friday-meeting-person but when that Zoom popped up I was glad to have a different look.
But broadly – not so Emergency these days.
Budget Airlines Okay?
I’m flying to Mexico for a short vacation. Flights on Frontier and Spirit are about $200-$600 less than the normal carriers. Is this a really bad idea to fly them? It’s a 5 hour flight, and I’m not a big person, but I flew Spirit like ten years ago and I just remember hating it, but not exactly why, except that waiting at the gate was awful (they had no seats???). Is Frontier any better?
anon
Beware the fees – fees for baggage, fees for anything else. I flew spirit once or twice years ago, but no more. The fee structure adds up quickly and makes the overall cost of the tickets not far off the regular airline prices. If you do apps, I’d download one of those price tracker apps and see if you can get a ticket on a regular airline.
Anon
You get what you pay for. I hate those budget airlines personally.
Anon
I will only fly Spirit for flights less than 3 hours, where I can get by with a carry-on bag. If you have to pay for the level of ticket that allows you to check a bag, you might as well just fly a regular carrier.
I will say – even before the recent debacle, I was getting appalled at how expensive Southwest tickets have gotten. Since I rarely check bags, the whole “bags fly free” thing isn’t that appealing to me and tickets on American or Delta out of my local airport are about half what Southwest is charging for the same ticket, even if I pay the surcharge on American to get to pick my seat (which irritates me to no end, BTW – that they’re charging for something that used to be free, and which they incur no cost to offer – but I don’t want to leave it to the luck of the draw, so I’ll pay). Southwest wants to charge me $700, one-way, for a trip to Washington, DC that used to cost $425 round-trip pre-pandemic. I realize inflation is a factor but that seems outrageous to me.
If your alternative to Spirit or Frontier is to fly Southwest, it may very well be much, much cheaper to fly the “discount” carriers, even if you have to pay to bring bags. But check Google flights to make sure you can’t get a better deal on a regular-fare carrier. I set an alert on Google Flights to track prices and it seems to work well, I can usually jump on a good deal.
Anon Elder Millennial
I think the fee to pick your seat is really the fee to make sure you don’t get bumped when they oversold the flight. Every time I’ve not paid it I gotten bumped.
SMC-San Diego
The recent debacle (perfect word BTW!) notwithstanding, Southwest is my favorite for relatively short flights our of my California city. That said, especially for longer flights, flights with connections, or flights bought less than a month in advance, they are very often quite expensive.
I recently flew into Atlanta and Delta nonstop was less expensive than Southwest with a layover. But when I was flying to see my daughter at her Pacific Northwest college, Southwest was routinely the least expensive option, especially when I needed to check a bag to shuttle her stuff back and forth.
Anon
+1
anon
The fees on Frontier will quickly make it as expensive as other airlines. I personally wouldn’t do it again.
ArenKay
Agree with others on fees, and will add that Frontier’s on time landing rate is lower than other carriers. If you’re splurging for a vacation, don’t waste it on delays!
Anon
I found the Frontier seats to be uncomfortable, like less padded or something!
Anecdata
if you are willing to go without any of the addon fees (checked OR CARRYON) bag, seat reservation, printed boarding pass, snacks), it can be a good deal. I fly Frontier pretty regularly and haven’t had problems, less experience with Spirit
IME, the thing to know about frontier is that they often do actually size check your “personal item” — more often than flying other airlines “no carryon fares” like united basic. Buying a carry-on at the gate is something like $75 each way so you don’t want to get stuck by that!
Also I’m 5’4 and knee room isn’t a big deal for me but know the seats are on the smaller side if that matters. Frontier flies a lot of non reclining seats, that are just permanently tipped an inch or so backwards – tbh, I find it pretty comfortable; more so than sitting upright and wondering if you’re a jerk for reclining but ymmv
JTM
The last 2 times I tried to cheap out & take Spirit, I got burned by a significant flight delay because of the way they route their planes. So now I stick with my legacy carrier, I’d rather get to my destination on time in a decent seat than deal with the budget airline issues.
Anon
I have flown those for short flights (under two hours). However, I caution those super low rates are often an illusion.Figure out what it would be with all of the fees, particularly the baggage fee as they charge each direction for a carry-on. The last time I ran those numbers, it turned out the price differential was less than $150, which did not make the uncomfortable seat worth it.
Anon
I am balling on a budget, so I frequently fly these airlines. I think they’re serviceable.
-I’m a light packer so can get away with their 1 included personal item for a 3-4 day trip.
-The seats aren’t all that comfortable but they’re fine. I’ve flown from the east coast to Vegas on these airlines (so a 5.5 hour flight) and was totally fine.
– I always bring my own entertainment and snacks on flights, so that’s never been an issue for me.
– there are no outlets on the planes, so make sure you bring an backup charger! Especially for a 5 hour flight.
Anonymous
Spirit will easily, easily add $200 in fees to your ticket price before you even board the plane. Then there’s a huge chance they will delay or cancel your flight. I know ticket prices seem insane but you should fly real airline. Probably not Southwest either.
Jo March
The only time I fly Frontier is when I fly to visit my parents for a weekend. Once I realized flights to their region had gotten more expensive, I left a weekend’s worth of clothes at their home so now I fly with a crossbody bag only. It’s a direct flight of less than two hours so the comfort of the seats, dealing with missed connections, customer service quality etc. don’t apply here. For trips where those things matter, I fly with the other airlines. Flying Frontier to visit my parents saves me upward of $100 each trip. Outside of limited situations such as mine where all you need is the absolute basics of a safe flight, I can’t say that I’m willing to recommend Frontier. Have never flown Spirit and don’t think I will.
Anon
I would consider a domestic flight maybe but not international. Look into the sun country incident a few years ago when they abandoned passengers in Mexico after canceling their last flight of the season.
Gail the Goldfish
Check how frequently they fly. If they’re only flying the route 3 times a week and it gets cancelled and you have to wait 2 extra days for the next flight, those discount fares are no longer worth it.
AnonQ
Well I finally got Covid…a week in and symptoms have been manageable so far but I completely lost my sense of taste and smell. Looking for anecdata here – if the same happened to you, how long did they take to return?
Anon
Mine returned within a few days (4-5) and I was sick for about 10 days and very sick (in bed) for about 2 days.
Anonymous
It took about a week and a half for me.
Anon
Glad the symptoms are manageable! My son got Covid last summer and lost his sense of taste and smell just for a few day. But ever since then, when he has just a regular cold, he loses it again for a while. I would be interested if anyone else experiences that!
Anon
I do!
Anonymous
Just a few days; I can’t remember exactly how long.
Josie P
About a month, but only for my lotion (smelled weird) and toothpaste (smelled and tasted weird). Regular taste I got back in about 10 days.
A-non-Smeller
So–I’m an early adopter, but I got covid in March 2020. My sense of taste of smell was completely gone for about three months, and it’s now nearly three years later, and it’s still not the same…I probably have certain days where I can smell almost nothing, and other days where I’m at 60%. I used to be a “super-taster” in that I was the star of my fancy wine-tasting classes, and now…not that.
There have been several good articles in WaPo about advances on why smell loss happens. They think that this is due to inflammation. There’s no great way to reduce the inflammation, but there is a way to try to wake up your lazy smell cells–you should make a nose kit and smell as much as you can, as often as you can, in the following days. Things like cinnamon, lemons, wine, other spices, anything strong-smelling (vinegar, hot sauce), etc. Smell these a few times a day. Good luck!
Anon
Same with my sister, who got the first or second strain of COVID (who knows, really)
Anon
Mine returned within the week at a reduced level, and here I am two years later with the same reduced level of taste and smell. Wishing you a speedy recovery and better results than that.
Anonymous
Hope your experience is like the others. My best friend is going on about 8 months now but some is finally coming back. And coming back weirdly, too. He describes it like being able to taste some spicy things but other things are really off–like things that should be sour. I would love to know the science. Like is that sinus changes or brain changes or something.
Nesprin
About a week of altered smell/taste, during which time popsicles were the only thing that tasted remotely ok.
Anon
Anecdata but everyone I know that took Zinc while having it and for some time following never lost taste or smell and/or got it back relatively quickly and there has been some investigation into it by real scientist if you want to google around.
thankgiving anxiety
Mine came back the 3rd day, but I had OG covid
The intern
I PASSED THE BAR*!!!
Share your happy news.
*the Brazilian bar
nuqotw
Yay! Congrats!!!
Anon
Congrats!!
Anokha
Congratulations!!!
Anon
“got you covered”
“you’re covered.”
We see what you did there Elizabeth!
H13
This might not exist but does anyone with very sensitive lips have a recommendation for a lip stain or something similar that won’t leave residue on a water bottle? I know this is weird and picky, but I hate getting lip stick/balm/gloss on my water bottle rim and I drink a lot of water during the day. I also have super sensitive lips so most things I’ve tried have been too drying.
Anon
Clarins has a water lip stain I like. I don’t find it drying, and my lips are fairly sensitive, although YMMV, but maybe worth a look. I don’t think it’s the longest lasting thing out there but those do tend to be uncomfortable to me.
Anonymous
Dior Lip Oil is wonderful.
anon
Benetint in the original (ChaChaTint and the other colors dry out my lips)
Anon
So, I have been pretty firmly childfree my whole life. Not for any particular reason beyond no interest in kids. Add on a fairly demanding BigLaw job that I enjoy and some low-level chronic health issues, and it’s never been anything I’ve thought about. DH would like kids (and would love to be a SAHD), but it wasn’t a dealbreaker that I didn’t when we got together.
But yesterday it’s likely something … switched? For the first time I started thinking “well maybe it would be fun”, we could make it work, maybe I was too hasty. I’m 34. Is this just hormones? Did this happen to anyone else? How long do I wait to have these feelings before bringing it up to DH? I feel like it would be cruel to tell him I’m thinking about it only to say “jk I was just ovulating and I don’t want them anymore” because he would be really sad.
anon
I’d give it a few months, just to see how those feelings hold up over time. I had a similar experience – I was never childfree but was disinterested in kids until about age 35, and then it’s like things sort of snapped into focus and I realized I really wanted them. But I would let yourself sit with those feelings for a little while, if you know he would be really excited about it.
I ended up only being able to have one bc I didn’t meet my partner until I was 38 (had my son at 39) but it was life-changing in the best possible way for me, FWIW.
Anon
I think you should decide if you definitely want children before brining it up to your husband. You should also consider how far you’re willing to go to have children once you make the decision (eg. are you willing to consider infertility treatments, adoption, etc if you’re unable to conceive naturally)? I think that’s an important discussion to have with your partner, “I’d like to have a child but only if we can conceive naturally.” vs. “I’m want to have a child whatever it takes including IUI and/or IVF and/or adoption”. You should set those boundaries now if for some reason you cannot conceive naturally but don’t want to undergo extensive health procedures.
Signed, someone who wanted children and has gone through years of infertility treatments to have 2 (from before marriage my husband and I agreed we wanted children and would adopt if we could not have our own).
anon
Agree that it’s good to set those boundaries about how far you’re willing to go. It was a surprise to me, when we were struggling with secondary infertility, that DH was adamantly opposed to any intervention. Although it all worked out okay, and I also had doubts about fertility treatments, I felt very resentful that I couldn’t even consider it an option.
Anon
Completely co-sign thinking through potential outcomes and then having a discussion.
We needed fertility treatment to conceive, and I was firm from the outset that I did not want to do IVF due to not wanting to deal with the moral dilemma of having to discard viable embryos, if we ended up with too many. My husband understood where I was coming from, but had a more flexible mindset about it. We both agreed that we would try to adopt before doing IVF because that felt more comfortable to me.
A friend of mine went through three IUIs and was talking to her doctor about IVF before her husband told her, I do not believe in IVF and don’t want to do it. Adamantly, and inflexibly opposed. She was pretty devastated. They ended up adopting and it’s fine now but at the time, she was really hurt and for a good period was unsure whether she would stay in the marriage.
Anon
Huh, that’s exactly the confer my husband and I had all the time to sort things out. Different strokes but my relationship is stronger for communicating along the way. We decided not to, ultimately, but it’s good to wrestle with the topic with your spouse.
Anon
I think it’s an important discussion to have, but it’s also helpful to realize that if you find yourself in that situation, your feelings may change. I have one child, and went through an IUI and two failed IVF rounds trying to have a second. We found that ultimately we weren’t willing to go further than that even though we’d initially thought we were in the “we’d do anything, including adoption or donor egg IVF” camp. Fortunately, we both felt that we were done after the second failed round.
anon a mouse
Slightly different take – wait a few weeks to make sure it wasn’t just a hormone surge, but I think you should decide that you are open to talking about it before bringing it up. Does he still feel the same way? Have you talked about family size? I think it’s worth saying that you’re as surprised as anyone, but start thinking about things more concretely like how having a child might actually work in practice. (Does he still want to be a SAHD?)
anon
Definitely sit with this for a bit before discussing with your DH. Give yourself at least a couple of months.
brokentoe
Never had any interest in children. Married young, but about 7 years in, I saw a baby at a restaurant and something flipped. Made no sense at all, got pregnant about 3 months later. DD is now 36….. :)
Anon
I really never had any interest in other people’s children, but that was colored perhaps by bad babysitting gigs (one kid started a fire, one family had an older developmentally-disabled child living at home that they did not tell me about and then left me with a younger kid back before cellphones). I did suspect that I wanted my own kids (envisioning a Von Trapp sort of world where I was Maria), but lived the life of Baroness Shraeder and eventually became a stepparent (but did not go the boarding school route). That let me do all of the fun kid things again that I missed as a working adult. And then it turned out that I wasn’t too old to have kids and it turns out that I adore kids, even at the baby stage, and like 99% of the kids my kids know (some of the parents though . . .) and other kids in their activities. Still in BigLaw. Still favoring Baroness fashion (but it has no place in my 2023 life, sadly).
pugsnbourbon
I’m still very childfree, but I remember holding someone’s baby at 28 and it was like a gong went off in my entire body. It felt so RIGHT. Man that was a weird feeling!
Anon
Funny how biology really wants us to reproduce! It was successful in my case.
Ellen
You probably still have a flat tuchus, but if you were with child, you would not be. I have a big tuchus and I have NOT had a child, but Rosa has had 4 kids and she DOES have a flat tuchus. So go figure. Elizabeth, you should have a thread focusing on whether women with kids who work out can still get their flat tuchii back with due diligence.
Anon
Different perspective: my family of origin is horribly dysfunctional, and a lot of why I didn’t want kids was very particular to that situation. Everything rolled downhill and I felt a responsibility to not have anyone “downhill” of me to roll it to. My family of origin also has this very creepy vision of me as Miss Nice Babymaker and Homemaker (spoiler alert: I am an attorney who has worked on cases and legislation that you have probably heard of), and babies were aligned with erasure of me.
Dating good men, marrying a good man, and getting distance (literally and figuratively – I am in a different time zone and have no relationship with those people) went a long way towards eliminating the barriers to having kids. We have one kid and he’s the best. I love being a working mom.
Now that’s all very specific to me and doesn’t answer your question, except to say that there are often very rational reasons why people don’t want kids when they are younger. Once those reasons no longer apply, you may want kids.
(I hope this does not shame child free people, who are 100% entitled to never change their minds and have people keep their opinions about that child free life to themselves.)
Anonymous
I don’t think I would have taken the plunge and had kids for similar reasons… but having children with my spouse has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ll add that it’s been incredibly healing for my inner child to reparent myself as I parent my children.
I also really think that there’s such a huge difference in watching people who had kids because they felt like they had to or were surprises versus people who were able to intentionally time parenthood. It’s a whole different ballgame when you’re able to do it on your terms.
Anon
OP here – that’s a really interesting perspective, thank you for sharing. My family of origin is similar – very traditional, firmly of the belief that I should be having kids, and very much of the “mothers who work are destroying their children” perspective, and I think maybe I’ve internalized the idea that you can’t be a working mom without being a bad person. I disagree entirely with this perspective to be clear, but sometimes your emotions are less logical. But as more of my friends & colleagues have kids, it’s easier to see how wrong they are.
Anon
Oh yeah, it takes a long time to silence the mental tape reel of parental condescension.
Best suggestion I have, if you do have kids, is find a good therapist. It brings up all sorts of feelings and if you do not already have firmly established boundaries with your family of origin, you will need them. It’s hard to be mid/late 30s, working a big job, parenting, and have emotional energy to push back on family BS.
Anonymous
Yes it’s probably somewhat hormones; that doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate desire. I had always wanted to be a mom and now I have three kids (I’m 37). To be perfectly honest I think I would be happier with one. But a few years ago both DH and I felt very strongly that we wanted more than one. We got twins the second time so it is what it is. I would advise you to start hanging out with people who have kids. Ask them about it and also just observe. It’s hard in ways I didn’t expect. There’s also a lot of “well you chose this so stop complaining” mentality, which I hate. But I’m an introvert and need a lot of alone time and I had hobbies before kids. I know I’ll get back there; it’s just hard right now. And honestly this week is better than the last three weeks have been so there’s a lot of ebb and flow in a way there wasn’t in my life pre-kids. Tl;dr only you can decide: and whatever you choose is right for you.
anon
Yeah, your hormones are part of you and so a feeling that is impacted by your hormones isn’t really less legitimate to me (but I also tend to think that our societal idea that the body and the mind are firmly separable is wrong). The desire for children the OP is currently feeling is not less real just because it could be hormonally driven, the only question is whether it will be lasting.
Anon
This kind of makes sense to me. But I wasn’t myself on some hormonal meds, so I feel like it’s a part of me that is easily skewed.
Anon
100% agree that the modern separation between body and mind is misguided and leads to unnecessary internal conflicts. Human beings are animals. Social animals; intelligent animals. But animals nonetheless. If the overwhelming majority of us did not feel the impulse to procreate, we would have died out as a species. There is a reason female brains respond differently to crying babies then male ones.
That does not mean there is anything wrong with any individual deciding that they do not want to have children, regardless of whether they feel that pull. People who don’t want children should not have them! But there is also nothing wrong with letting instinct and biology guide your actions.
Anon
Good point! I don’t mean to discount hormones entirely, more that if this is a passing 24 hour phase I don’t want to create false hope.
Anon
I’m sure you’ll get lots of great responses. Just want to add that a lack of interest in other people’s kids but wanting your own is not abnormal. So if you’ve been waiting for the “I’ve got to hold that squishy cute baby” feeling as your signal but haven’t gotten it and otherwise want kids – don’t overrule the otherwise want kids part! Being a mom is super fun for me, and I still don’t want to hold or entertain other people’s kids (outside of kid-oriented social activities that I’m hosting for my own child).
LawDawg
I was married for 8 years and was 33 when all of a sudden I realized that it was time. It does happen. I talked with DH and he asked for a year…to travel, have fun, save money, make sure that it was still something we both wanted. It was a really good year! And when it was over, we both knew that it really was time. Kids are 24 and 21 now. And FWIW, I never really saw myself as a mom-type. My son’s was the first diaper I had ever changed in my life!
Anonymous
That is 100% hormones, give it time. My sister had a baby recently and she looks like she could be mine, she’s absolutely adorable and my ovaries freaked out, my husband who is also staunchly child free even said seeing me hold our niece gave him all the feels. We obviously love her to bits but with some space and calmed hormones rationality prevails and there will be no baby for us.
Anon
That’s how it went for me. My kids are in college now and I have zero regrets.
boo
There is definitely something hormonal happening. When I’m around my nieces and nephews, I get that way and start wondering “what if…” Then after I’m home for 48 hours I’m back to being content without them.
Anonymous
I’m not sure you need to wait too long but you should probably take a sober look at what parenthood will look like for you. I’d disagree with the advice to look at other parents’ everyday life and instead evaluate your own. What’s your financial situation? Is the best daycare in town an option? Do you have sweet spot parents or in-laws? (Old enough to not work full time, young enough to watch kids for a day or so?) I’m sure your husband is lovely but is he generally competent at everyday household management? Or are you already doing emotional later like reminding him of chores? Do you have a career that can go on autopilot for a few years without changing your financial situation? Can you see yourself as the kind of mom who would be ok with sharing parenting responsibilities somewhat equally with your husband? Or will it kill you if kiddo wants dad instead of you half the time? (Most of my most unhappy totally stressed mom friends are in the latter camp. I’m in the former but I totally get why they feel the need to do the majority of parenting.) How are you with health issues? Do you seek treatment for common illnesses? (Parenting is different if every fever requires a trip to a doctor. Some mom friends give Tylenol and call the doctor, others are at urgent care for every fever in otherwise healthy kids. Neither is wrong.)
Obviously all this changes when a baby actually gets here. You can’t predict your baby’s health or exactly what kind of parent you or your partner will be or what will happen at work in the future. And none of these are reasons not to have a child for me at least, but I think they help you get a better idea of how parenting might look for you rather than for a close friend who might have a different parenting philosophy or marriage or financial situation or job.
go for it
A loud drum went off in my head at 28 post divorce. On 1st date with husband I asked if he wanted more kids (already had one). If he said no I would have not seen him again.
Remarried and had 2 kids, one at 35, one at 38. I had to take inserted hormones during both pregnancies because numbers were low. I elected to edit my workload for the 1st 10 years, not for everyone I know. I am happy it all turned out that way. They are out of college now. Zero regrets.
It makes sense to ride out the hormones before talking to DH, to be sure it is not a fleeting idea.
Anon
Cross posting:
Suggestions on an kid-friendly resort in August? Will be travelling from Houston. Flexible on budget so open to luxury places.
New to resort travel so don’t know pros/cons of all inclusive vs. not. Food is important to me, so I want it to be good.
Anon
How old are the kids? There are some that are great for older kids but don’t have activities/ care for children under 4.
Also any interest in cruising?
Anon
No interest in cruising yet. Kids will be 2 and 5. Thank you!
Anon
The 2 year old makes it rough but off the top of my head:
Grand Velas Riviera Nayarit in Nuevo Vallarta
Grand Palladium (I have only stayed at the one in Mexico but hear good things about the others)
The Four Seasons in Antiguilla (out of my price range but I know someone who went there and loved it)
I went to Beaches and did not care for it; it felt like I was staying at a theme park overrun with badly behaved children, but that may have just been me/the week I was there.
And (hear my out) I really liked Club Med with small children. It is not posh; it is not fancy. But they have great kid activities for a wide age range, infant care, and the food service (while not fine cuisine) is both decent and available basically any time, which is helpful when your toddler needs to eat by 5 to be in bed by 7. And because they have been around for so long, they routinely have the best beach locations.
Whatever you end up choosing, do pick your location carefully. A lot of places – especially in the US – restrict their kids’ activities to 4+ because of legal staffing requirements. This might not matter if you are planning on spending 24/7 with the kids but can become a problem if you want some kid-free time. Also decide in advance how you feel about using their babysitters. Some people are not comfortable with that and some are so plan accordingly.
Anonymous
I have a friend (f) and relative (m), who both really wind me up for the same reason. If I say X on a subject they will reply with fact Y which is wrong, or contradicts what I said. Usually it’s on a subject they don’t have experience of but they both like to appear experts on everything. For example in relation to how electric car charging works in our city when I have an electric car and they both don’t drive. Usually I just ignore it but I found myself biting back recently saying actually I’m correct and they just casually restate what they said like they are the authority on it. It makes me feel like I’m either being drawn into starting a petty argument, or just need to bite my tongue and let it go. Currently I’m trying to laugh it off and sound breezy about ‘oh whatever it’s def X’. I guess I’m just venting.
Clementine
Clear solution – arrange a meet cute, get them to get married and have a kid, then subtly mention every time you see their kid how kids in Europe are just so much better. Or alternately ‘so and so’s child is just so polite and ADVANCED. I mean, I see that Junior XY is a little more… spirited.’
Watch their heads implode.
Anonymous
I snorted at “spirited” as an insult. Well done.
Anon
my FIL is like this. and it drives me nuts. My MIL has always been a SAHM and not really up-to-date on news, etc. so I don’t know if it is that he isn’t used to having more intelligent conversations with women or what not, but i’ve ended up in a few sticky situations with him, but it is hard to always hold my tongue
Senior Attorney
I have people like this in my life and it’s a Price of Admission kind of thing. They’re not gonna cut it out and I just smile and nod. The other day one of them was telling me quite earnestly and insistently how the Panama Canal is closing down permanently and being replaced by a canal in Mexico (spoiler alert: uh, nope) and in the end I was reduced to murmering “well, I will be very surprised if that happens” and getting on with my life.
Cb
My mother-in-laws arrive this evening and I’m not mentally prepared for it. My husband inadvertently stirred the family pot in the autumn, and I suspect they’ll try to draw me in. But I shall rise above….
NB: They are all good people, they just refuse to use their words and there are a lot of unaddressed topics and past hurts, in a very stereotypically English way.
Anon
Oh, no. Since it’s in the air now, someone may go all Prince Harry on your gathering. Best wishes! And don’t share lip gloss!
Anokha
Or if you share lip gloss, don’t grimace ;)
Cb
Right? Honestly, I think it would be good for them to clear the air! But that’s my Californian family approach. The first time my mom and I did the yell/cry/hug routine, my husband was convinced something had gone horribly wrong. But that’s what we do… and we don’t hold decades-long grudges about things. Except for all those times she left me waiting at the Walnut Creek BART station…
DC Inhouse Counsel
The Walnut Creek BART station!!! So many afternoons spent waiting ~15 minutes to be picked up!
Cb
“Text me from Orinda and I’ll leave the office…” I’ll text from Rockridge, and maybe you’ll be on time…
My dad would come to Bay Point to get me, and he’d at least be on time.
anon
Move all dog bowls out of the firing line!
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Good luck! Boundaries for you – maybe you can bow out to get some alone time while they hang out in the living room in the evenings.
Cb
I’m determined to adhere to my bedtime. I always get overtired and cranky when they are here because they want to chat for hours.
Anon
Setting a hard stop very early bedtime for myself when with extended family (like 9:30 literally) and then just reading in bed for a long stretch did wonders for my equilibrium. I just said I need a lot more sleep now that I’m older.
Anon
On a recent in-laws visit, we planned lots of out of the house activities – street fair, pool and library visits with the kids, stuff lke that. It was very helpful to be moving and focused on the place we were visiting instead of sitting around the living room or restaurants chatting for a whole weekend.
anon
I have finally realized that I just cannot wear wool or cashmere without being very uncomfortable all day. Doesn’t matter if I wear a layer underneath. Cotton sweaters and blends are where it’s at for me; unfortunately, some of them just naturally look less polished than wool, especially for work. Has anyone found any good cotton, blended, or silk options lately? Since it’s going to be cold here for several more months, I wouldn’t mind finding a couple of colorful options to take me through spring.
JM
Someone on here recommended the Macy’s Karen Scott shawl collar rounded hem cardigan. They run large but sized down they look professional and have a nice texture.
Thank you for asking this – my silk, or cotton/silk ones have lasted a long time but I don’t know where to find them now.
Anon
Quince has some nice 100% cotton sweaters. I got my daughter the fisherman crew and she loves it.
pugsnbourbon
Same! It’s not an allergy bc I can do wool socks, but even the smallest amount of wool in a sweater is a no-go.
I haven’t purchased from Woolovers but they have cotton-silk blends. Target puts out a handful of all or mostly-cotton sweaters every year. The Cable Stitch line on Am@zon has some as well. I avoid cotton/acrylic where I can, but have had good luck with cotton/nylon blends.
anon
YES! I am not allergic, and I adore Smartwool socks, but I just cannot do sweaters anymore. I do remember seeing those cable sweaters on Amazon; will take a closer look.
Anon
+1
Me too. I just don’t understand how this can be the case, and always wondered if all of my “wool” socks are actually acrylic.
I can’t wear cashmere anymore either.
My best sweaters now are silk/silk blends I got in the past from Ann Taylor and Banana republic. Maybe you can find something on Poshmark from them? I took a quick look at Ann Taylor today, and it was disappointing.
pugsnbourbon
I have this sweater: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B089LVL25Q/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1&psc=1
It runs a bit small at the bottom so keep that in mind. Also it looks like it’s almost sold out.
This one is cotton/viscose and I think the pointelle details elevate it: https://smile.amazon.com/Cable-Stitch-Pointelle-Lightweight-Sweater/dp/B08KGS7YQX?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1
Anonymous
I got a thin cotton sweater from Banana Republic Factory that is great for layering. A few days ago I went to Ann Taylor loft and there were some pretty cotton blend sweaters that looked really cute and probably could be work appropriate with a nice pair of pants. I also ordered a 100% cotton sweater from Amazon (Amazon essentials brand) that I wear to work on occasion. Good luck!
Anon
It depends on whether you want a close layer or you want the sweater to be a roomier top layer.
I’m wearing this in burgundy with a heattech under it and the cotton is so soft and nice.
https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/125809?page=womens-cotton-shaker-stitch-v-neck-sweater-womens-petite&bc=12-27-611&feat=611-GN3&csp=f&pos=24
Anonymous
John Smedley sea island cotton. All the way. Every day! They’re expensive but look amazing and last years.
Anonymous
Try Everlane, Pact or Able.
JM
Loving blazer talk today!
I am wondering if traditional tweed/wool/equestrian blazers are not a good look now that I’m mid 50s. I started with one in my late 30s and have since added some Talbots Aberdeen ones, the heathered wool. Are these aging me?! I wear with jeans and heeled booties. Also have solid cotton ones from AT and Talbots, as well as a Chanel type weave. Any other third pieces you like?
Anon
I am not in the heeled booties camp in 2023. They need to be flat or flatforms I feel. Or like a Chelsea-boot type heel vs anything else.
Anon
I don’t think that’s on point. A heeled bootie can dress up a flare Jean and is a great wardrobe addition in 2023. The trick is having a modern heel.
Anon
That may be the trick. I’ve only seen it done poorly I think.
anon
The blazers you describe are a gorgeous, classic look. Keep wearing them! If you want to switch up the look a bit, a boot with a chunkier lug heel could modernize everything.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anonymous
I’m wearing the Talbots Shetland blazer today in rich burgundy (although it reads dark pink). I thought it was a dowdy blazer and feared a made a mistake with this purchase until I popped the color. Popping the color made a big difference and now I get compliments every time I wear it. I wear it with slight wide legged pants and healed booties with a lug sole. Hope this helps.
Deedee
Great look!! I can visualize exactly.
Anon
A further chapter in the critter drama. One screen was stapled back and no new scratchy-the-squirrel in the walls has happened since. BUT a week ago, flies came out of nowhere. So many flies. I think we’ve finally killed all of them. No smell this time. But there is a blackish funk on the ceiling of a bathroom. Nothing seems to be dead / wet above it that I can see.
I feel like I am in a movie and something very bad has happened. [And, honestly, what trade do I call first??? At some point it will be the drywall guy and the painter, but who is the “is there a dead body of a critter” up there? Roofer in case it is merely a water leak? But why the flies then?]
Anonymous
Call an exterminator. Today.
Anon
Are you positive something didn’t die in the ceiling?
Anon
I would call an animal remediation company. They can make sure there us nothing there and any unpleasantness is cleared away.
Anon
I mean it sure sounds like something is dead somewhere.
pugsnbourbon
Agree with others to call an exterminator. Were they black flies, gnats, or fruit flies?
Maisy
Can we do a best (and worst) purchases of 2022 thread? Clothing, or whatever comes to mind. I always enjoy seeing what others recommend! I’ll respond below.
Anokha
My workhorse was finally buying a Le Pliage from Longchamp. I use it regularly, and I love how roomy it is for random things. (e.g., Need to take a bottle of wine to book club? It fits in the bag! Need to carry diapers for your toddler? It fits in the bag!)
Cb
I got a really good backpack this year and it makes my life so much better. It’s the Passenger back with a laptop sleeve (which I think Ribena has as well)
Ribena
I do! I have two Passenger backpacks in different sizes, in fact… both of which have been incredibly useful
Jo March
I finally got a TV! I still don’t watch it all that often, but I feel like it visually completes my living space and for when I do want to watch something, I’m no longer squinting at my laptop screen.
I also splurged on a tea kettle with different temperature settings for different types of tea, and I love what it’s done for my twice daily (at least) mugs of tea.
Anon 2.0
Best purchase – definitely the privacy fence we had been putting off for years. Worth every penny and I wish I had done it sooner.
My Birkenstock sandals (3 pairs!) are by far my best clothing/shoe purchase.
Worst purchase – not a specific item but more a category. I love to thrift shop but sometimes get lazy about trying on (and it kinda grosses me out before its washed), so just the items I was excited about that just don’t fit.
Clementine
A tangle teaser hairbrush which gets snarls out in a hot minute.
Ann Taylor high waisted side zip flared pants. I call them my ‘middle school band’ pants and yet wear them all the time and they’re comfy and flattering and fantastic.
A Costco membership – having a couple boxes of lunch box snacks lowers my morning stress level by so much.
Anonymous
A wool swing Fluerette coat (which I snagged second hand). I love it! I work in a casual environment where LL Bean is the predominant designer so puffers are fine for me 99% of the time. If I had to dress up (say, for a winter wedding) I was prepared because I inherited two wool coats from my mother. But… neither was one I would pick out either in color or style. I just love how my new coat looks and how I don’t feel like a shlubby suburban mom in it.
Senior Attorney
I got an awesome full length puffer coat (well, it’s full-length on short me) for my holiday trip to Oregon and it was a total game changer. Being properly dressed for the weather!! Who knew? I especially love the built-in fingerless gloves that keep the cold wind from blowing up my arms.
It’s this one in “dark seas:” https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JC1RG9S?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1&psc=1
Anonymous
My favorite things are my J Crew sweater blazers. I was late to the party on these but I love them. Best overall purchase was arm lift after losing 125 lbs. I haven’t work short sleeves since high school and now I’ll be rocking them
anon a mouse
Universal Standard joggers. I love the feel of Vuori but they don’t play well with my hips. The Universal Standard ones are a lot thicker but still really soft.
Airpods. I’m late to the party but they are my 2022 MVP.
Anonymous
Best – (1) blue air brand air purifiers for each bedroom and (2) a pack of gift cards from Costco to our local taco taco shop (got $100 of gift cards for $80)
Worst – (1) the cuyana leather pouches. They are beautiful, they are well made, I just can’t figure out what to put in them to make them useful for me. They don’t hold enough (even between a big and small one) to replace my decades old Vera Bradley hanging Dopp kit, and the shape makes them awkward to pack. (2) the pack of gift cards from Costco to our local pizza place as $80 for $100), because we cannot use these with online ordering and it takes 10-15 minutes of being on hold to get though to a person to be able to use them over the phone and so few people use the gift card that they always need to call in at least on other person to figure it out. So a 5 minute online ordering experience is now at 15-25 minute phone ordeal.
Anon
This is so specific, but I finally got a Japan Kasumi pearl strand from Kojima. It is so gorgeous, every time I look in the mirror while wearing it I’m like “ohhh so pretty!,” which is not how I’ve traditionally felt looking into a mirror, so it’s a total win for me!
Panda Bear
Good for you! I finally bought pearls from Kojima in 2022 as well – a mix of small keshis and black Tahitians. Kasumis are on my wish list. So glad you are enjoying yours.
Anon
Ooh that sounds really pretty!
*heads to Kojima website*
Anonymous
it was the year of good shoes for me – the following were basically all i wore each season: birkenstocks in the summer, onclouds for running, bogs easy pull on rain boots.
beauty: weleda moisturizer – i ditched my expensive moisturizer for this target find. native mineral sunscreen.
health: the apple watch 8 – i love the temp tracker built in, a bearaby weighted blanket, hydroflask with straw built in
Ribena
Honestly, my best purchase was my trip to France. I hadn’t really been anywhere since the start of 2020, and hadn’t had a beach and sunshine type trip since 2018, so it was really great.
anonamama
Best(s): Marmot Strollbridge jacket, from a rec on this board. It’s perfect! The magnetic closure is my favorite.
Honeywell Quiet Set Tower fan. Comes with a remote and the right levels for comfortable sleep. One on every floor of our house.
Crumb vaccuum – Odistar Brand on Amazon. Satisfying, and an easy job for little hands.
Fair Play Cards – forget reading the book, get these and skip to the good part.
Worst: Stanley mug. It is heavy and a damn hazard, especially for the semi-klutzy. The main issue is how much it leaks if it happens to tumble sideways. Hard to travel with. But somehow, I just can’t quit it and it is heading to the office to be my non-transit water bottle.
pugsnbourbon
Best: Teva sandals and my linocut press.
Worst: I cheaped out on a bladder for my hiking pack and ended up very soggy. I found an Osprey on Steep & Cheap that’s MUCH better.
Anon
I finally came to the realization that, in spite of my boss constantly telling me I am the team rock star, throwing great salary and benefits my way, talking me up publicly, and generally being fantastic, the awful junior coworker we hired two years ago to do mundane clerical work and who has been making my life a living hell ever since is never going to change. I have brought it up to my boss multiple times, they listen compassionately and commiserate, offer advice, tell me to keep them updated on whether things are getting better or worse, and they have the power to stop this person cold. But they just…don’t. I have been here for over a decade and love my work, love my colleagues (except for that one), I otherwise feel valued and objectively know me leaving would create a gaping hole in vital parts of their work. However, I cannot take this person’s shenanigans any longer so I am polishing my resume.
The thought of leaving everything good about this place makes me so, so sad. I don’t think I have a question; I just needed to put this out there. Thanks for listening.
Anon
Anon, you are heard. So heard.
And before you go, think about this (because I know it happens to others all the time): WWTD — What would Trad do? Just ignore the newbie? IDK what Trad would do, but Trads don’t leave. But definitely look! I do feel like Trads leave to trade up, but Trad doesn’t get run off by a lower-ranked toadie.
Anon
I don’t think that’s good advice in this case. Who cares what some hypothetical other person would or wouldn’t do if in real life OP is being driven crazy. This isn’t a good WWTD situation.
Monday
In my limited knowledge of Tradwick…wasn’t he also created to represent your worst, most annoying colleague, who skates by on other people’s ideas? I didn’t think Trad was aspirational in any way.
Anon
OP here. Thanks, this made me smile. I think I’m beyond the point of channeling Trad vibes (I’ve tried!), but the levity is appreciated.
Anon
Sometimes you just have to put it on the table. Maybe tell your boss that you will leave if this issue is not handled. I know in most situations you can’t do this. But there are times you can just straight up say what you mean, and this may be one of them. It’s crazy how many managers won’t address a problem employee unless it creates an issue for them personally.
Anon
OP here. I have had versions of this conversation and I truly think my boss just doesn’t realize I am serious. I don’t tend to make waves, I have a history of getting along with difficult people, and I don’t complain unnecessarily but I think they believe I am being hyperbolic when I tell them it is not tenable.
Trish
I wouldn’t be nice at all and I would make waves, but that is just me. I would go out of my way to ignore the co-worker and to point out all his shenangans and why they are harmful to the mission of your job. It still might now work. My old boss would go out drinking with the younger employees and it became problematic. I did leave and boss was suprised. Oh well.
Anon
If you have had the conversation several times and are still there, then you boss knows you are not actually serious.
anon
I’m sorry, this really sucks. How does this person have so much power? I guess you’ve already told us the answer: your boss is unwilling to put a stop to this behavior.
Anonymouse
Is your management waiting for you to handle it like you do everything else? Sounds like it’s up to you to change the dynamic or leave.
Agree Trad wouldn’t leave over a lower ranked person (unless it was a legal issue). What control do you have to change this situation?
Anon
OP again. Maybe? I have been blunt with my boss that the problems continue to escalate, dealing with this person every day makes me miserable, and let them know of all good faith efforts to rectify the problems but that I have exhausted all solutions. This person is known for being a bit difficult and my boss acknowledges that, but then nothing changes. I feel like leaving is my last resort and I am honestly sick at the thought of doing that, but I cannot continue as-is.
Anon
Is it more than a personality conflict? Is the other person manipulative, cruel, devious, a criminal? I’m trying to think what kind of person would make me so miserable that I would quit an otherwise great job. Can you give some more description of what makes them so awful? (I’m not questioning that they’re that awful, just curious if it would shed more light on your situation).
Anon 2.0
This. Can you shed light on what exactly they do and we could “think tank” some ideas of how to handle?
Anon
OP here.
Trying for specifics without identifying details. This person lies about conversations we have had (says they never took place when I have the email chain to prove otherwise, claims they misunderstood the direction when they just don’t like the task and have successfully done it before, says repeatedly they are on target to hit deadlines then renege at the 11th hour so I have to pull out all the stops to get things done on time). They blame me for their typographical errors in deliverables I have no interaction with other than to provide data (and my data was correct). They claim to other teams that I am angry at that department for not doing xyz, when xyz is this person’s responsibility. Each time one of these issues is addressed, they fall all over themselves to apologize publicly, then they wink at me in the hallway when no one else is around that they almost got away with that antic but maybe next time… When I call them out at such audacity, they claim they didn’t say anything or I must have misheard them and concoct a sob story about how they are just trying so hard to please everyone and my expectations are just so high. Then they find some other new way to poke at me next time.
Anon
Wow, you are describing a psycho. I’m sorry you have this.
Anon
If your boss is aware of this and not doing anything about it, then you should definitely leave. This is SO far beyond the bounds of normal!
Anon
This is psychopathic behavior.
Anon
Have you asked your boss to do something specific? Eg get a second admin that you work with instead or fire this person? If not, I would try that. I know it may seem obvious in what you have already communicated but somethings you need to really connect the dots for people — eg, “this is the problem behavior, it’s not tenable for me, and if you want me to remain in the role I need X to change. If it doesn’t or can’t, I will need to seriously consider looking for a new role.”
Anon
Perspective: your team is great except for this guy right now; however, when upper management refuses to put a stop to shenanigans and toxic behaviours, that will change. Good people leave; bad people stay. It goes downhill remarkably fast.
Monday
+1. Especially when a valued employee like OP is openly saying she’s willing to leave over this, and nothing changes. Good people will leave, bad people will remain.
Senior Attorney
Have you actually sat down with your boss and said “Boss, Awful Junior Coworker has to go. I would be happy to do the honors if you don’t want to, but we need to give this person their two week notice by the end of this week.” And then if Boss doesn’t do that, then yeah I guess you leave. But at least make the ask.
Anonymous
It sounds like you’ve mentioned this to your boss, but have not really been understood. Do you have a list of the more egregious examples of the colleague’s actions? If you mention the worst 3 examples, it might help boss to understand what specifically is happening, and also how best to intervene.
Regarding other responses…Definitely don’t threaten to leave! If you do leave, simply find another role as you’re starting to do now. Threatening to leave is not going to help you and will damage your reputation in my opinion. It sounds like you have established a good reputation so don’t damage that now.
Monday
I agree that threatening to leave is not worth the associated risks. I’ve even given notice (over something I’d been complaining about for years), and had management tell me I should have threatened to leave earlier so they could meet my needs…while continuing to gaslight me about the situation. In other words, “gee, you should have warned us you might leave! Over this issue we won’t acknowledge or ever take action on!” All it would have done is put me in an even worse position leading up to my inevitably leaving.
Management inertia is super depressing in situations like this, but the fact is that if you threaten to leave they generally still won’t take it seriously. They also don’t care as much as they say they do about good people leaving, IME. Tolerating shoddy work from your coworker indicates that they don’t care as much about even the work product (let alone the culture of the office) as you do.
Anon
Your job is great but your manager takes you for granted. Doesn’t sound so great to me.
Anon
OP here. This is why I feel so sad. My boss has been a strong mentor and advocate and has become a good friend over all the years we have worked together. We have always had a phenomenal relationship. But now? It’s like they have a huge blind spot about how awful this person is and I am hurt that they seem to not hear me or take me seriously.
anon
I would sit the boss down one last time and state that the junior person needs to go because XYZ reasons, which are creating a hostile and toxic environment and it can turn into a significant HR issue. And that this is serious enough for you to consider what alternatives you have.
If your company also has a speak-up line or a functioning HR, I would report such behavior. Lying and spreading untruths is something my company would not tolerate and this person would be investigated and then let go.
And your boss does not have your back. That’s disappointing, but I would also question how this person will then defend and promote you in the future.
All in all, maybe it is time to leave. Polish your CV, fire up lines to headhunters and Talent Acquisition people and get offers.
anon a mouse
I agree with this, but also, when you speak to your boss that one last time, point to that history. “Boss, you’ve always been a great advocate for me. I need you to be my advocate here, this environment is great except for this person, and this person is so significantly affecting my work that it cannot continue long-term. If you cannot make changes so that I don’t work with them anymore, then I need you to hear that I don’t think I can do this indefinitely.”
And in the meantime send out your resume.
Anon
OP, Your boss doesn’t have a blind spot. They have heard your complaints. They don’t care because it’s not a problem for them personally. I’m sorry
Anon
100% this
Sympathetic Anon
I was in your shoes several years ago – I wonder if you are now working with my former co-worker. Co-worker told boss that I had done something inappropriate, which I hadn’t. (Multiple times over several years.) When confronted, co-worker said boss misunderstood. I took that email chain to HR, cc-ing my boss, and said this is a liability issue for employer. (Backed up with examples over the years.) Co-worker was gone within a month. If you can document unfounded charges, take them to HR explaining the corporate liability. I am sorry – it really stinks to be in this position. FWIW, my boss and I still have a good relationship, but I know better than to trust my boss.
Anon
+1
Document. HR. Draw the final line with your disappointing boss.
Nightmarish. This would drive me crazy.
Hang in there.
Anon
For a while, I had a deal with myself that I’d get a certain bag (Balenciaga City) if I did a Thing. Well, I’ve done the Thing, but now there is no way I’d get that bag now (sort of the upside of it taking longer than I wanted for the Thing to happen). What else is there for a bag (needs to hold wallet, phone, keys, and, my reading glasses) that is a milestone bag without the drama? It doesn’t need to be that spendy, but spendy is OK.
Ribena
I’d be getting the Mulberry Lily or Alexa, for a milestone. Or something gorgeous from Anya Hindmarch
Mary
Celine medium box bag?
Sallyanne
This would be my choice too. Or less spendy but similar vibe The Curated or DeMellier.
Anne-on
Oh man, that bag is taking me back to the early 2000’s when I bought a knockoff in pleather and adored it. Imho the Celine luggage bags have a similar vibe (though a bit less rock and roll) and are certainly easier to get. The Bottega cassette bags might be another option if you prefer more color options?
Anon Elder Millennial
Proenza Schouler PS1!!!!!
pugsnbourbon
Ooh – I’m not a bag person but this is really cool!
Anon
Just a plug for the real real. I had the bag that got away and I found it in nearly new condition on the real real for half the price.
South Tyrol
Has anyone traveled around South Tyrol and could comment on best experiences, recommendations? I am thinking May or September, but interested in feedback on timing as well. Based in Europe, so only a short flight.
Cb
I’ve only spent time on Bolzano but DO IT! I was there in July both times and it was toasty (with incredible thunderstorms), but so much fun. Gorgeous surroundings, the hiking was great, food was fab. The first time I was there for summer school and then came back for a holiday the following year.
We stayed in a ecofarm, with bikes we could use to cycle into the town.
Senior Attorney
Agree it’s just amazing. Make sure to visit the Messner Mountain Museum in Bolzana — it just blew my mind.
Senior Attorney
BolzanO.
Sleeper sofa
Tell me about your sleeper sofas that you love. It should be really comfortable both as a couch and as a bed for guests staying a few nights (would be only guest accomodation in a 1 bed apartment). I’m willing to buy a topper/different mattress but I think the underlying structure matters too.
I feel like almost all the couches I see recommended online are modern, but I’d describe my style as grand-millenial, so would like one that is more classic/traditional style-wise.
If you wouldn’t mind sharing how much you paid as well, I’d really appreciate it. I’m trying to understand how much to budget–guessing it will be somewhere in the $5-7K range.
Ribena
I found that there was basically nothing between £500 and £5000 when I was looking so I went for the ubiquitous Ikea Friheten. It’s very comfortable and just kind of fades into the background with lots of cushions on it
Cb
Yeah, the Made one had really good reviews and I should have bought it instead of the weird trundle thing we’ve got in the office/guestroom, but RIP Made.
MJ
Macy’s Radford/Radley has a queen sleeper that is actually comfortable and is nowhere near the price range you have.
Anon
We paid $2k for a Luonto Flipper sleeper sofa (the smaller size) in early 2020 and are very happy with it. It is HEAVY, like even more than the ancient hide-a-bed versions of my childhood. The sleeper structure is more like a mattress attached to a hinged platform bed and is very comfortable. It is also our main sofa and with some plump throw pillows it is great. We went with the basic fabric because Covid slowdowns at that time meant anything else was a no-go. That fabric is fine but if we were ordering now I would spring for an upgraded fabric.
joan wilder
I really like my sleeper sofa from Room and Board and guests have said it is comfortable. They have two styles of mattress you can pick from. Mine is actually the inside-the-bed inflatable and it sounds awful but is actually easy and comfortable.
Anon
i did lots of research on this. the gold standard is the American Leather sleeper sofa which is very expensive, more than 7k. we decided we didnt want to spend that much and got my 70 year old dad to go test out one of the Room and Board ones, and he said it was comfortable enough, so we ordered that and are waiting for it to arrive. the key is choosing one that does not have a bar across the back.
Anom
Room & Board, with a foam mattress. It’s actually manufactured by American Leather, but Room & Board has great customer service. The folding mechanism in mine got messed up (likely bc of multiple moves, honestly) and Room & Board replaced it for no extra charge. I’ve slept on it myself and thought it was comfortable. No complaints from my picky parents, either. I have the Berin. You’ll see lots of recommendations here for Room & Board’s sleeper sofa.
Anon Elder Millennial
Same. The fabric on the arms of mine was fraying after 3 years and I emailed them with pictures and they not only apologized but replaced the sofa. I was so impressed. I’ve slept on it a few times and it was comfortable. The sitting part is super comfortable too.
Sallyanne
We also have one from Room & Board that has slept MIL, guests and either my husband and I when we’re ill. We did buy the topper. I have struggled with sheets though. Fitted sheets don’t really work, there’s no where to tuck top sheets and blankets. What am I missing/doing wrong?
Sleeper sofa
I remembered people recommended the Room and Board one in past posts, and looked at them but unfortunately they were too modern / boxy for my taste. Was hoping for something a bit rounder and more classic looking. Thanks for sharing your experience though!
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend an equivalent of this for the UK market?
anonshmanon
Bassett sleepers have a real mattress inside and are also good sofas. The main drawback is that they are crazy heavy, and difficult to move on your own.
Sybil
LaZBoy with the upgrade to the memory foam mattress. My parents and I sleep on each other’s, and we’ve both have multiple guests who’ve said they’re exceptionally comfortable.
Mammo Update
I’m the poster from earlier this week who was freaked out about needing a follow-up to my mammogram. I had additional imaging and an ultrasound done yesterday, and everything is fine. Thank goodness. I have some areas of dense tissue that apparently make it more difficult to get an accurate read. Even after I learned everything was fine, I still felt kind of shaken the rest of the day and evening. It’s hard to not go through the what-if scenarios. I’m feeling much calmer this morning.
pugsnbourbon
Oh that’s great! I’m glad you got good news.
Anne-on
So glad it was good news!!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Thanks for updating!
Anon
Congrats! That is a huge relief.
I also have dense (and teeny tiny) breasts, and to keep myself from freaking out every year, I prepare myself that mammogram + ultrasound is now my yearly screening protocol. If the ultrasound doesn’t get recommended that year – lucky me! If only my health insurance understood that and paid for both!
I also get my studies done at the best women’s care hospital in my area, where they have great system for screening. You come in and get your mammogram and a radiologist reviews it immediately, and if they recommend an ultrasound they do it literally while you are still there, and the radiologist even comes in and talks to you about it. I was so shocked, but it was great for reducing stress duration. Although the wait times in between tests, waiting for the results, was a bit excruciating. Sitting alone… in a robe… in a cold hospital room…
Anon
Congratulations! I’m glad they could accommodate your follow up so soon.
Anon
I went through this once and my doctor literally told me that these types of secondary screenings are what make a lot of women stop getting mammograms. She urged me not to freak out and explained that the vast majority find nothing of concern.
She then told me that if I went to the clinic that had a radiologist on staff I could avoid the call-back in the future because they could take care of it right away. She recommends that for all of her patients who have “hard reads”. You might ask your doctor about that for future.
Anony
That’s awesome news and gives me hope for my additional imaging + ultrasound scheduled for next Friday!!
Anon
Same experience, around age 35. Ended up having one at 38 and a second at 40.
Anon
Nesting fail.
In-house at Ford Motor Co. or other car manufacturer
Has anyone gone in-house with Ford as an outside hire? Wondering about the process and how long it took, how many rounds of interviews, etc. If you can speak to the benefits and atmosphere of the workplace and/or whether any remote work is allowed, please comment.
BlueOval
I work for Ford (though not in OGC or Dearborn) and love it. My hiring process in 2021 was I believe faster than most (specialty/niche role) but I had 4 interviews in a month period before getting an offer. Different departments vary a lot on how much remote work is possible, but I believe OGC is one of the more flexible ones. My friends in OGC/policy generally like their work and find it interesting.
Benefits are solid (though health care isn’t exceptional), and the work environment is friendly though definitely bureaucratic/big organization.
Let me know if you have follow up questions! I’ll check back here and try to answer anything else. :D
OP here
Are you at BlueOval Kentucky? I’m looking at a position with BlueOval Tennessee. I applied right before Christmas so I’m not sure if I’m even being considered but my application says under consideration so hopefully.
StrongerU
Has anyone had success losing weight with StrongerU (or a similar macro counting program)? I am in week 2 and it just feels really hard. Appreciate any motivation!
Anonymous
I had success for the 6 weeks I did it then immediately regained all the weight. I’m just never going to force protein down my throat to meet macros. I found it just another disordered diet.
Anon
I did StrongerU! I think it’s a great program, but it was way too high maintenance for my life. I know some people get the hang of it and it’s second nature, but I couldn’t get there (partially because someone else prepares a lot of my food and I’m unwilling to change that dynamic).
If you’re on FB, the group on that platform is excellent. Lots of motivation and tips there!
Comp Convo
Talk to me about salary negotiations in tech. I have a call with a recruiter tomorrow and will be expected to name my number. The salary range is in the job posting and spans a range of $50K, let’s say $100-150K. Is it crazy for me to say $150K is my desire? For what it’s worth, I have good experience, I wasn’t looking, they reached out to me.
Anne-on
Nope, you can always negotiate down but I’d start high. Is there any way you can demure and tell them you simply can’t name a number until you know more about the role but that based on your experience and market rates you’d expect the higher end of the band?
Anecdata
If you’re looking for 150k, say it, even if it’s top of their range!
fwiw, if “big tech” = California, they may have just started posting ranges because they have to, so there’s a higher chance they haven’t really thought through their ranges, whether they’re firm or not, etc
also double-check for California – but I live in Colorado and our pay transparency law requires companies to name the MINIMUM range they’d pay, but doesn’t require them to make any good faith effort at identifying the maximum they would pay. But people see a range and assume the top number is a hard cap, it drives me wild (and of course, some companies do treat their top number as a hard cap, but I’ve seen mine go 20-30% higher just because someone asked!)
anon
Hi, I’m a recruiter. The recruiter should be telling you what end of that range you’ll fall in. That’s a huge range. Definitely ask them because they should have a good sense of where you’ll be.
Anon
don’t name your number. Just say that you look at the total comp package. Make them go first
Anonymous
In tech. A vague “yes that’s within my range” usually works. How can you know what comp you want before you know enough about the tan and role, which you will learn more about at interview. If it’s in the right ballpark, say that and move on. If it isn’t, quit and don’t waste your or their time. Negotiate once you know you want to work there and hopefully they also want you. Also remember it’s not just one number, there’s the whole package…medical, dental, career opportunities, specific experiences, team vibe, etc.
Anonymous
I hire one tech and this is common. If you ask for the top range, be prepared to argue why. Usually I only hire at the top of the range if the person I’m hiring is much more senior/experienced than I’m looking for.
Why do we do this? Because if I’m hiring a product manager, I would hire someone with 3-5 years experience for $120k but if someone with 8 years came my way, I’d pay for their experience! I don’t want them ignoring the post because it’s “too junior.”
Lily
Sorry if this is old news, I’m the OP wondering about the Cuyana bow bag yesterday, but just found out that Cuyana has a resale site called Revive where you can buy gently used or NWT items for a good discount! They don’t have the bow bag color I want, but lots of other bags!
Anon
Good to know, thanks!
Anonymous
Great tip, thanks!
Anonymous
Here’s a semi awkward twist to my day – my family will be going on vacation to Turks and Caicos at the exact same time as the partner I work with 90% of the time. While I do really like this partner, just a bit awkward that we might be on the same plane with our respective families on our way to vacation! Unknown if we’re staying at the same hotel, but it seems highly likely we will be on the same flights. (And this most likely happened because the partners don’t share when they’re going on vacation or even thinking about taking vacation. They just aren’t in the office one day…. Not even our shared admin knows. I tried for a while to get them to share with me when their kids’ breaks are so that I could provide coverage while they’re out of the office and they thought it was a good idea in theory and then never actually did wha they’d say they would do.)
anon
I once ended up at Disney at the same time as the partner I worked for and felt super awkward about but didn’t run into them at any point!
Anon
I think this is something you’ll laugh about later if it happens :) Enjoy Turks, it’s one of the best Caribbean islands!
NYCer
+1. And if you really work with this partner 90% of the time (which presumably means you have a good relationship), I would straight up ask her or him when they are flying and where they are staying. I work almost exclusively for one partner as well, and in your shoes, I can’t imagine not discussing this (and laughing about it) ahead of time.
Also, there are tons of hotels on T&C. I would say there is a decent chance you will never see them at all!
Anon
Do you get self-conscious when texting a friend becomes really one sided? I’ll think of something I want to text them and then realize they haven’t replied to my last few messages. Nothing important, just funny tidbits, but it makes me feel like a nuisance?
Anon
Depends on the friendship dynamic. Is everything one sided? Are you always the one initiating texts or plans? If so, that would be a problem for me. My closest friend and I will double/triple text each other all the time, forget to respond to one another, and just generally text whatever nonsense we think of regardless of who texted last.
Anon
I don’t respond to texts a lot of the time but I still like them!
Hollis
Does anyone here have any recent experience applying for Global Entry? I applied, along with 4 of my family members, and I’m the only one who was offered an interview date and then got the card. The other 4 people in my family are stuck in conditional approval or something like that. I emailed them to see what’s up (all of us are U.S. born, 3 of the family members are minors and even DH has traveled less than me, so I’m not sure what concerns are coming up) and got a form email saying that it takes months to process. In any case, I just wanted to see if anyone else has any experience with this. Also, Global Entry is supposed to give me TSA precheck, but how exactly does that happen when the airlines don’t know I have Global Entry? Do I show my Global Entry card at the precheck line?
Anonymous
For “how will airlines know”- You will enter your “known traveler number” (which is on your global entry card) when you book an airline ticket.
Doesn’t conditional approval mean that all you need is to go to the interview? I recall that’s what my son had before the interview was completed.
Anon
Global entry gives you a Known Traveler Number. Enter that in your profile with the airline before buying a ticket.
Anon
You can add it to an existing reservation.
Anon
If you don’t put your known traveler number in when you make your reservation, you won’t be able to go through pre-check, even if you have it.
Senior Attorney
Cosign the replies about the known traveler number.
Also if you have conditional approval and are just waiting for an interview, my understanding is that you can do your interview at the airport upon return from a trip abroad, as part of the return-to-the-country process. https://thriftytraveler.com/guides/how-to-enroll-for-global-entry-on-arrival/#:~:text=But%20the%20final%20step%20for,immigration%20in%20one%20fell%20swoop.
Anon
Do some research on this before planning on it — apparently it’s only in one of the terminals at Newark and we flew in to another one and couldn’t do it and no one would answer anything about it and just looked at us like we were crazy for asking.
Anon
Yes, this is the way. We waited months and months for an interview, couldn’t get one. We don’t live near an airport so driving to the airport and trying to schedule an interview on site would have been a nightmare. We decided to just do it arriving off an international flight in Charlotte, NC (coming home from Mexico) and had the whole family interviewed and approved in less than 1 hour.
+1 on the replies about the Known Traveler Number.
Anon
Today is January 12. On January 1 I gave my cat leftover sardines from a failed NYE appetizer.
If I’m doing the math correctly, this is the 11th day he has spent reminding me of that one time I have him sardines.
Thank you for listening.
Anon
My cat lies every day. She gets treats from either my husband or I, then gives the other person the big expectant “I haven’t had treats yet” eyes. We joke about getting a weekly pill box, like for elderly people and medication, so we stop giving her extra.
ANon
Aww! My cats were very spoiled, but I still wish I had spoiled them more. Maybe go on Chewy and buy him a new toy and some Churu so he has new things to obsess over?
Anon
😂 I love this!
Senior Attorney
This made me LOLFR (lough out loud for reals) at my desk this morning. Thanks!
Anon
I love this so much.
Anon
Has anyone had a toxic family reach out for forgiveness because they’re getting older and sense their mortality? What did you do? I’ve been working with my therapist about a challenging relationship with a close family member who I’m essentially no contact with other than a few calls/texts that they initiate around the holidays each year.
Therapy has helped me realize this person displays many extremely narcissistic and sociopathic traits (obviously, we can’t formally diagnose them). I’ve put up many boundaries and have little contact, which is very positive for me. I understand they clearly have mental health struggles, but they caused a lot of trauma and dysfunction and depended on other family members to pick up the pieces and help them out of problems caused by their own actions.
I don’t think I can offer forgiveness, and I somewhat see it as more manipulation to get closer to me. I asked this person if they have any actual illness (no), just a sense of a senior and dying soon.
Anon
I’ve never been in this situation, but is it possible to hear this person out so that they get the absolution they’re looking for and then close the channel again? “Relative, I’m willing to listen to you, but it won’t change our relationship. If you’d like to speak to me, X time works. I don’t intend to renew our relationship, but I will listen to you say your peace.” And have platitudes prepared to respond to whatever feelings they have? “I can see why you feel that way” “thank you for sharing”, etc?
Anonymous
I like this!
Monday
This is really hard, I’m sorry.
My partner has this dynamic with his father, who is an alcoholic criminal and can’t be trusted on anything. What you are doing is what he generally does: only very limited contact when he (my partner) chooses to engage. No pressure for forgiveness, especially since there’s no actual remorse or changed behavior. I’m glad you have a therapist.
Anon
Did the offer an apology? If not, I’d try expressing to them what hurt you/why in order to explain to them why you don’t want a relationship. You don’t owe them anything, but sometimes being kind (if it can be done in a healthy way) and forgiving can give you a bit of peace.
Anonymous
Unfortunately, no apologies other than “I made mistakes, we all did” (!!) or “I’m different now so you can’t judge me on the past” type of deflection. Never any real accountability.
Anon
Honestly you don’t owe them a chance to feel better about their morality. Talk with your therapist about what is likely to make YOU feel better. Will you feel like a better person because you let them say their piece? Or will you feel like a better person because you held to your boundaries? Either one is fine and respectable, but it’s your wants that are important here. Not theirs.
A close family member went through something similar, and I elected not to engage. Like you, I anticipated it was more about manipulation than true forgiveness, but regardless I owed them neither. I’m sorry they apparently regretted their actions, but I’m ending the cycle and keeping even the possibility of their toxic behavior away from me and my children. I don’t regret it, and my therapist agrees it was a strong choice for me to make.
Anonymous
You say they’re asking for forgiveness. Do you know or can you find out from others whether they understand what they’ve done and are truly remorseful? If so I think I might hear them out, especially if you’re low contact as opposed to no contact. I would listen very carefully for any excuses or blame shifting, especially in your direction. I would go right back to low or no contact if there is so much as a hint of – woe is me I love to be a martyr and you never understood what I was going through and I may have done wrong but you could’ve done something differently, etc. Actually any “I may have been wrong BUT” should result in walking out/hanging up. I also wouldn’t accept a non-apology like, I’m sorry you felt that way.
This was my mom with her parents. They mistreated and steamrolled her for her whole life until one day she had enough and that was it. They basically launched a campaign against her and told everyone they knew that they didn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to them. Because apparently adult children cut off their elderly parents for no reason. She never got back in touch with them before they died and I think it’s probably for the best for her. I think they would’ve seen any renewed contact as a sign that they won, they were right and she was wrong.
Anon
My suggestion would be that you meet somewhere in the middle if you are able to after talking to your therapist. This would be not meeting the person in-person but letting them know they can write you a letter or email, or even send a video message. You will read/watch but you will not promise anything more.
Anon
I gave my narcissistic bipolar father another chance in early adulthood and he did exactly the same thing he always did — gaslight and blame everyone else (including me) for everything wrong with his life. I never spoke to him again, and by the time he died several years later no one in the family was speaking to him. My sister tried to see him in the hospital when he was dying and he yelled at her until she cried.
You know your situation best, but I’m glad I didn’t give him any more of my time or energy. It’s not always like it is in the movies.
Anon
As a disclaimer, I have a religious directive to forgive my enemies so this is partly driven by that.
I have been in this exact situation with an actively abusive family member. He was repeating patterns from his own childhood and I can recognize that without accepting it as an excuse. My response was that I was glad that he recognized what he had done was wrong, hoped he was at peace and I wished him the best.
Then when he was all “let bygones be bygones; you have forgiven me.” I told him that forgiveness was not forgetting and that it was best for my mental health to keep our relationship distant. That I had no interest in revisiting old trauma. Since he is also a Christian – albeit a different denomination – I said I would pray for him but I would not see him or speak with him And then ignored every other attempt to engage with me.
The thing is I do wish him the best. He was a monster, but he is now an old monster who is alone because he drove everyone away, terrified of death and regretting his past actions. I hope he finds peace. But my obligation as a Christian to forgive my enemies does not obligate me to let them keep hurting me.
anon
I have. I was estranged from my father for many many years, but I let him know when I had a child because it was his first grandchild and I felt weird about not letting him know. He reached out and wanted to come visit from overseas. I struggled with it for a while, but decided to let him come and form a relationship with his grandson since I didn’t want to stand in the way of that. I also had come to the realization that while he wasn’t exactly a good parent, a lot of my thinking was strongly influenced by how much my mom hated him, and thinking back I’m not sure he was so bad that it warranted full estrangement. The visit was good for all of us. He stayed in a hotel and had dinner with us every night, and enjoyed meeting his (now toddler) grandson. I didn’t have any deep conversations with him (he tried, including apologies, but I didn’t want to), but I was pleasant to him and mostly tried to facilitate him getting to know my son. I’m happy with how it went down. It gave me some peace. I did talk to my therapist about it a lot too.
Anon
Styling help! I’m really struggling with how to not look frumpy. Early 30s, about a size 10, but I have a very large bust that dominates my frame. High necked items make me feel matronly but even a anything beyond the slightest v shows cleavage… anything tight looks like Jessica rabbit (which isn’t what I’m going for at work!) and looser fits make me look larger than I am. So the default tends to be on the more frumpy side. Any recommendations on styles or people to look for style inspo from? I’m at a loss!
Anonymous
I am a size 12 up top (14 bottoms) with the same issue, but I have some luck with shirts like this: https://anneklein.com/products/ity-cap-slv-cowl-neck-anne-black?variant=39896474386503&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_P6dBhD1ARIsAAGI7HBLw6JTCrEzUfdgiTxhCg8F1DVaccayFYMb_nFs0Z9ePvipoWmXnkUaAotwEALw_wcB
Moose
Some ideas for you”
1. Try wider-legged pants or flares with a tucked or half-tucked top to balance your upper body.
2. For tops, I’ve found several things that help balance the bust, including, like you mentioned, any top neckline that is not a crewneck, pushing up long sleeves to show some wrist/forearm, and half-tucking looser tops so the fabric doesn’t cling to the body but you get some waist definition. Also, I really like wearing long pendent necklaces over high necklines to add verticality to an outfit.
3. Welted tops/tops with a fitted band give the upper body more structure. Also, I find drop-shoulder tops to be not a good as tops with classic shoulder seams. Asymmetry can also help deemphasize the bust. High-low top hems are great for volume without the weight. And of course, you can always wear a v-neck and add a nude-for-you cami underneath
Hope this helps!
Anonymous
I have a ridiculous bust (US size M cup, not M for medium but A-B-C….M) .
Thin knits with a crew neck like Jcrew Tippi look great as long as I get a size bigger than my regular size, to get a draped look over the bust. I want the drape to fall down from bust apex, not inwards (which leaves to Jessica Rabbit sticky-outie-ness).
I don’t do V-necks anymore. I have a high bust and they always generate cleavage. Instead I do scoop necks, boat necks, slash necks, cowl necks and the above draped crew necks. I do zero turtle or mock turtle necks.
The splitting effect from a V-neck can be achieved with a long pendant necklace.
You didn’t mention your body shape – if you have an hour glass shape a great trick is to have either a loose top or a loose bottom. So wide legged trousers but a more fitted top. Slouchy draped top and skinny or slim jeans.