Thursday’s Workwear Report: Relaxed-Fit Oversize Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This relaxed-fit blazer from Open Edit is such a beautiful basic for an extremely affordable price. If you’re looking for a blazer to keep in the office for emergency meetings, they’ve got you covered.
I’m always partial to black, but this one comes in black, burgundy, tan, brown, and beige. Just pick your favorite neutral and you’re covered!
The blazer is $79 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
This exact one is selling out quickly, but Open Edit has a bunch of similar options.
Psst… these are some of our latest favorite oversized boyfriend blazers for work as of 2024… Nordstrom also has a bunch!
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Inspired by the post about the niece with the ring yesterday, does anyone want to talk family/inheritance drama? I feel like every family has at least one WTF story and it is actually comforting to read we are not alone!
Obviously there’s a bunch of backstory but here’s the gist. My mom and my youngest sibling have a very strained relationship. I try to stay out of it, but recently she confided in me that she doesn’t want to want to leave anything to my youngest sibling. I said “So you’ve changed the will?” And she said “No. I want you and your other siblings to tell him after I die.” I laughed and said that’s not how that works.
My mom has me as the sole beneficiary to her estate. She hates my brother and doesn’t trust my dad to not use her money to enable my brother. Neither my brother nor my dad know, so that will be fun.
Sounds like my mom. I’m also the sole beneficiary among her 3 kids due to personal issues that make her not trust them (and I don’t blame her). It makes me nervous to be the one to “sort it all out” some day.
Aw she’s basically guaranteeing to ruin your relationship with your siblings. Maybe it’s already going that way regardless.
Yeah my raging alcoholic brother will not be happy, but we already have a bad relationship so if this is the nail in the coffin it’s no big loss to me.
I hope she has put this in writing and consulted with an estate planning attorney. Some states don’t allow you to completely disinherit your spouse.
Were not American, but yes this was all done through her lawyer and is completely legal.
I was fuming because why designate the ring for the nephew when there are 2 grandkids? Even the girl might want it even if she isn’t doing the proposing. IMO she’d be more likely to keep it in the family even if there was a later divorce.
OP’s nephew was one of the two grandkids in the story.
He’s also the elder, and most likely the first to marry. Also, the niece is awful
The niece is 15 and has a toxic mother. We should give children the benefit of the doubt. Also teenagers (having raised two of them) often have a disconnect between their emotions and logic.
When my grandma died, she had a 6 year old car that was going to go, unofficially, to my younger brother, who was 16 at the time and the only one in the family who didn’t have a car. My one aunt (who is incredibly well off, has no children, and didn’t even want the car) wanted the $4000 or do so value of the car removed from my brother’s share of the inheritance (which for grandchildren was like $20k? I don’t remember). I just remember my mom and I thought it was so weirdly petty for her to worry about this.
My mother may or may not have made her entire estate contingent on me taking her cat into our home after my parents’ death. Not only are DH and I both very allergic to cats, but she lets the cat eat its meals on the dining room table with them at breakfast and dinner. I told her that I wasn’t willing to eat meals with the cat and she got all huffy about how the cat would get very anxious if his new home had different rules than what he was used to. I was fairly direct and just said that I didn’t think my home would be a good home for the cat. I don’t know what their will says at this point and assume I’m not inheriting, partly because: my dad, in a halfhearted attempt to be the peacemaker, said that I should be the executor and that way “you would at least get 3% of the estate” and I turned down that scenario too.
So yeah, I have probably been disinherited in favor of the cat. And I’m mostly just relieved that I don’t have to jump through hoops anymore.
Wow. In that crazy case, I’d probably agree to take the cat and then rehome it or put it in the basement, whichever is more humane (I have a really nice basement). I wouldn’t have even opened the dialogue about where and how said cat would eat.
She’s planning to do monthly distributions from the cat’s trust for the life of the cat, so rehoming just means the payments follow the cat to its new home.
I love cats, but…cats don’t live very long. I’m so curious, and I’m sure google will have some stories about what happens to the “leftover” inheritance after the cat’s life…
Wow. This was next level even before I read the phrase “the cat’s trust.” I’m so sorry.
not to make light of it, but please check out the Nickelodeon show from the early aughts, “Catscratch” which is about this exact scenario.
How old is the cat? A spite cat who is an heiress will live 20 years :) Bootsy you’ve got to cut back on the lobster! You’re running through the trust!
Yikes
wow… you win. I’m so sorry.
Cat allergies can be fatal!
Still it’s her responsibility to ensure the cat be cared for and minimally stressed, so she’s doing the right thing by her cat by trying to ensure this. But she needs to come up with a better plan. I think she should work with a rescue.
How old is the cat and how old is your mother?
Assuming your mom is otherwise a decent person/good mom, I think you’re being a bit cold-hearted. She is obviously very scared about what will happen to her cat when she and your father die. I understand you’re allergic, but couldn’t you at least try to come up with a solution that gives her some peace, like finding a family friend you trust to take the cat in and offering to keep tabs on the cat, make sure its healthcare needs are taken care of financially, etc? The dining table thing is just silly. If you were otherwise willing to take the cat, just tell your mom the cat can eat with you. You don’t have to follow through with it, but it will make her feel better.
Flip side: when you’re older, talk to your kids before you get a pet. If your kids are allergic to cats, maybe it’s time for a Scottish terrier or a gerbil.
The cat thing is hard. My good friend got pressured to take his aunt’s cat when she passed because he already has a cat.
But many cats want to be the only cat. The aunt’s cat hates his cat. He keeps the cats in separate rooms during the day, and his aunt’s cat howls at the door and hisses all night (his cat sleeps in the bedroom with him and his husband). His cat has even started peeing everywhere in distress…it’s causing a huge problem.
His husband is fed up and wants to rehome the cat, but my friend feels like a monster sending it to a shelter. IDK what he’s going to do…
And now you have two unhappy cats!
He would be a monster if he sent it to the shelter. He needs to work with a rescue.
Likely the ring will be unwanted. People today are quite particular about their engagement rings. I don’t know anyone who wanted an inherited ring (unless it was sentimental to themselves).
This sounds bad, and I’ve been married 20 years so I’m just thinking out loud here, but I would’ve been open to an heirloom ring from my side of the family. Not sure I would’ve felt the same way about a ring from my husband’s side. They are lovely people but that wouldn’t feel especially meaningful to me. It would’ve felt like a whole lot of pressure to accept a gift I didn’t want, though.
Also, I think it’s fine to be picky about engagement rings! You’re going to wear that jewelry every day for YEARS. It is not unreasonable, in my mind, to have something you love.
This is why I think the whole controversy in yesterday’s thread was really just about manipulation and family drama. It’s not as if it’s a two-carat diamond that the grandson is going to have reset. Its value is purely sentimental and it’s not likely that the girlfriend would really even want an older ring with a smaller stone. She would likely accept it out of a sense of obligation, then a couple of years later convince her now-husband to sell this ring and buy a ring of her choosing, causing even more drama. Just let the daughter keep the ring, as her dad intended, because it is far more valuable to her than to anyone else.
My husband is a sentimental type who loves old things and would have strongly preferred to give me a family ring if one had existed.I am so glad there wasn’t one because I would have been obligated to pretend I liked and appreciated it and wear it every day forever. Old things and especially old ornate jewelry gross me out so much. I would rather have no ring at all.
Maybe. But it really depends. Some folks will like to have a nice stone reset. Some folks like the history. I’m definitely the latter – I wound up with my MIL’s maternal grandmother’s ring and I love it. When offered a choice of family rings, I liked it because it was very simple (my style) and it turned out it fit exactly as it was so it seemed like destiny. We learned later it’s not worth a lot; spouse was embarrassed but I was relieved since wearing an expensive ring would stress me out. When we got engaged and my SIL found out I was wearing this ring she said “You got the good energy ring!” Apparently my MIL’s maternal grandparents are sort of famous in the family for their long and exceedingly happy marriage.
That just reminded me that my MIL offered us this ring she had and my husband was like “wait, you mean the cursed ring?” It turns out it was used in three relationships that ended badly (one divorce, two broken engagements, including one that involved someone being left at the altar). I’m not superstitious and might have been open to it if it had been a nice ring, but it was not. And my husband, who is a bit superstitious, was really excited to choose a ring with me and definitely not interested.
My husband was given a man’s ring with similar bad vibes and couldn’t get it out of the house quickly enough! We are both pretty sure the relative who gave it to him was trying to get the bad vibes out of their own house by dumping it on my husband in the guise of a sentimental gift.
I was supposed to get my grandma’s engagement ring. I would have worn it as a right hand ring since I was already married. But my drug-addict cousin stole it and we never got it back. He has since died, and I feel bad for the hardship he experienced in his short life, but I am also still sad that I did not get that ring.
I don’t think the 18 year old barracks bunny wannabe dependa is likely to be that picky about her ring especially if it’s a real diamond. I also do not blame OP for not wanting to give up her mother’s ring under these circumstances. She will never see that ring again.
ooof. I knew the military had special lingo for everything. Still I was surprised by how much you can ramp up the disdain from the colloquial term gold digger.
Except it’s not gold they’re digging for, it’s healthcare and housing.
Tag Chaser is the Canadian vernacular; as in Dog Tags.
OKAY I just have to share my ring story because I love it and I am one that it actually worked out for. I have/wear my great grandmother’s wedding band. The lineage went like this:
Great Grandmother died; great aunt inherited.
Great Aunt gave to her daughter (oldest great grandchild to grandmother) and she used it when she got married.
Great Aunt’s daughter (whatever cousin that is to me) got divorced. Ring went back to great aunt.
Great Aunt and my Grandmother discussed and asked me (oldest grandchild from my Grandmother) if I would be interested – I was around 19 when this conversation happened. I said yes, sight unseen, ring was in California and we live in upper midwest state. Great Aunt said she would bring next time she visited for me to look at and make sure that I like it (there was still an out for me by Grandma and Great Aunt – if I didn’t like it, they would offer it to another grandchild).
DH and I surprise everyone and get engaged outrageously young – when I’m 20. Great Aunt contacts me and arranges for ring (still unseen by me LOL) to be shipped.
I receive wedding ring and it a PERFECT MATCH to my engagement ring. same band width, style, materials. They look like they’re made for each other.
15 years later DH and I have defied the young marriage odds and are still very happily married. :D
I realize that’s the opposite idea of this thread – family inheritance drama stories. but sometimes the family rings are loved by the future generations. :)
That’s a lovely story!
This is beautiful drama. Love it
I love this! I wear my MIL’s mom’s wedding set, which she gifted to us after we were married a year. I married at 23. :)
I don’t disagree with you at all, but just for flavor, my engagement ring is a family heirloom, and I like it a lot – I was fortunate that it fit my style enough that I was happy to have it be mine. It’s my great-grandmother’s ring from the 40s-ish, but I didn’t know her or the ring very well (meaning, I didn’t grow up with it in my life). Also, my then-fiancé and I would not have been able to easily afford a ring at the time, so it was nice to have that option. I generally dislike ostentatious or large stones for myself, so this low-key ring that had some sentimental value ended up being a great fit for me. But I was lucky that it met my requirements!
In my family, it wasn’t so much the inherited ring, but the stone. The setting was very dated but the stone was nice, so one of the kids really really wanted it.
My MIL likes to show off her jewelry at my teenage daughter, who is the only girl of her generation. MIL has promised to pass it down to my kid, which is nice but my daughter really isn’t a huge jewelry person and I suspect most of it isn’t as valuable as my MIL claims.
+1 my mom gave me her engagement ring, but I don’t love it. It’s not my style, at all, and it looks very dated to the 1970s…not really vintage or heirloom, just old.
Hard to know. If they’re 18 it may be unwanted but the only option they can afford.
You don’t have to have an engagement ring.
My dad at one point told me he was leaving their two homes (vacation and primary residence) to my sister and I equally. The vacation home requires dues/a housekeeper and other long distance upkeep that makes it very difficult to manage. I requested they put the homes into a trust, or divvy them up – one home to each child for ease of selling. His exact words were, ‘I want you to fight over it’. My mom and I both pulled ‘WTF?’ faces because he had a messy contentious inheritance situation with his own siblings and asked why the hell he’d do that. Response was ‘I think you should suffer for the money.’
Thankfully it made my mom drag him to a lawyer to make a much saner will and draw up trust documents. I also fully intend to engage my own lawyer when the time comes if any of these nutso requirements are in the will.
Jfc
My brother (we’re estranged) has four children and the youngest two are his while the oldest two he has never said but I assume not or he didn’t want to say because he was still in school and they weren’t married (strict Catholic upbringing). He and his wife have been married forever now (his youngest is now in college). My mom has told me she’s leaving things to the youngest two and nothing to the older two. The oldest of his kids is the only one that visits her, and she does things for her all the time. I’ve tried to convince my mom that all of them are equally family. I feel really bad for my niece. For what it’s worth I’m not getting anything either. My mom changed things after my dad died. I only have one kid, a stepson so doesn’t carry on our “legacy” either. Reality? I doubt there is anything really to inherit anyway. My goodness though, talk about being unnecessarily mean about who counts and who doesn’t to you.
Wait…what? You don’t know if his 2 kids are his? Was he with the wife then? No one saw her pregnant? That’s kind of sad, but I get it. My dad had 2 kids with another wife, and they’re young enough to be my kids. I’ve met them 2 times in my life and they’re basically strangers.
He has four kids. The oldest two weren’t introduced to us until they were like kindergarten and second grade or so (now totally grown). No one asked about their father(s )at the time because we didn’t want to be rude and we assumed my brother had just met the mom. After they were married, I heard SIL share a story about visiting my brother in college while she was pregnant. So their relationship goes back longer than we thought. I don’t know if she was just visiting as a friend though since she is friends with a lot of his friends. As I just mentioned, those children are now adults but they actually know my mom the best (especially the second oldest, who regularly does things for my mom). It’s just weird to me that my brother never talked about their father(s) and that my mom has taken this arbitrary stance that they aren’t apparently family enough because there isn’t blood (or at least as far as she is aware). I know, the whole thing is freaking weird.
Oh I have stories. The one with the ‘best’ resolution is that when my grandmother died she left equal shares to all four kids less the loan she gave to my youngest uncle for his home. He tried to claim he’d already repaid it…despite having no evidence that was the case. The other siblings banded together and told him he could either repay it to the estate, or it would be taken out of his share. He did eventually opt for repaying it to the estate but it was shocking to see him try to weasel out of responsibility like that given he’s been in a high earning career for decades now.
My grandfather loaned his eldest son the money for his home. In the safe upon my grandfather’s death were thirty years of uncashed checks his son wrote each month to repay the debt.
And your uncle never reconciled his bank account? Never noticed that his account had thousands more than he thought it should? At least he kept paying, even if he wasn’t actually out the cash.
He probably noticed and kept writing the checks anyway because it was important to communicate to his father that he intended to pay off the loan and was attempting to do so.
Welcome to the fun mind games of family financing.
My grandmother loaned my parents money to get by when things were extremely tough. It was around $10,000, which was a lot in the 70s. I only know about this because when my grandmother died in 1999 my mom inherited a few sentimental things of no monetary value, but no money because of the $10k loan.
Mom’s “share” would have been substantially more than 10k (there was a very large farm that had to be sold and proceeds split between the other 3 siblings) but apparently my grandma could hold a grudge literally for the rest of her life. I guess she was so appalled to be asked for money, she changed her will. It was that or the streets for my family, that’s how terrible things were.
Grandma continued to visit us at least annually for 20+ years after that, and the visits were warm-ish, but she never changed her will back to include my mom!!
Wow, that’s cold.
My husband and I were buying a car about 10 years ago. Out of nowhere, my father and stepmother said they wanted to give us $5000 towards the car because they had given similar amounts to my two brothers already in the past and wanted to make it even. We said OK, thanks, and picked a slightly more expensive model than we would have otherwise. After the purchase was made, my stepmother says that it’s actually not a gift, it’s a “deduction from my inheritance.” She tried to do this behind my father’s back. We had a fight about it, I said keep your money, my father insisted that he wanted to make the gift as planned, and my stepmother said she would send the check and we’d all move on. She never did. Both of my brothers have received substantial financial help from them (free vehicles, cash amounts) and I have not received a dime towards a car or anything else, but after all of that, I don’t want it. They may get more money, but I have more pride.
Good on you. DH has a half sister that lives sort of locally to his parents. She’s bad with money and is just not living the same kind of life DH and I do. She’s just fine, kids are happy and healthy, but she’s more of a paycheck-to-paycheck, house in a not-super-great-town, sort of life. DH and I are dual income upper class suburbia types that live across the country. When my in-laws get new cars (every 3-5 years), they always gift the old ones (only 3-5 years old) to DH’s half sister. They call us and go on for easily 30-60 minutes about how guilty they feel that we don’t get the car. They live in a moderate climate; we live in the Frozen North and all our cars are AWD. We also have a big family and buy cars that suit our need. We don’t want their cars, but we are always polite about it.
I swear…my MIL (who is DH’s mom but not his half sister’s)…she calls us up and tells us they splurged on a new large SUV with AWD (a new model of one of our current cars) just so that “when FIL dies or has his keys taken, not sure which will happen first” they can gift us the car. WHAT EVEN LADY. I mean, it’s generous and kind and thoughtful but also pretty darn silly if you ask me. And now in the next few years we will be getting a clone of the car we already have that we have to fly across the country and drive here and then figure out what to do with (my oldest will be 14 at the time and not ready for it, nor will we allow her to drive a massive luxury SUV at 16!).
I realize this isn’t the point of your post, but you can simply hire a moving company to ship the car to you on a trailer.
Just take SUV and trade it in for what you wanted. This comment seems to be the epitome of a first world problem.
My grandmother has always treated my dad and me very cruelly and openly favored my dad’s sister and her children, but things came to a head at my wedding (that my parents had paid thousands of dollars for her to attend) where she behaved so horribly that numerous unrelated guests came up to me and asked me what was wrong with my grandmother. She didn’t say a single nice or even neutral thing to me all weekend, literally every single word out of her mouth was a complaint or criticism. After that I was done and basically cut her out of my life, although it wasn’t super dramatic because we didn’t talk much to begin with. When I had a baby a few years later I asked my dad not to share the baby news with her until the baby was here, which I know is pretty weird but I was superstitious about the pregnancy and (other than people who saw me in person) we only shared the news with a very small circle of family and close friends we knew would be supportive if anything went wrong, and I really didn’t want estranged grandma knowing if I had a loss. I figured she’d be pissed about not knowing earlier, but the joy of a new grandchild would outweigh it. Nope. When she was told about the birth of the baby, she went ballistic and cut me and my dad both out of the will, but… she didn’t tell us. We only discovered years later when she died, and she had written in the will “Anon and Anon’s father are DISINHERITED because Anon didn’t tell me about her pregnancy.” I feel bad for my dad who got kind of caught in the crossfire, but at least the estate wasn’t worth very much.
Even if the estate were worth a lot, it wouldn’t be worth having a relationship with such a nasty person.
On the flip side, you got some of your own back. You know it bothered her enough to put in her will. Also, (this is very petty), you have documentation that she was a petty jerk. At future family parties, you can trot that out with a bemused attitude of how she was a wild old bat. I feel bad for your dad to have such a parent, but with a grandparent you might find some humor in the situation if you can.
My grandfather is wealthy. He’s also a little controlling, so he routinely announces that people will be written out his will. He has a second wife (who is very kind and takes good care of him and definitely deserves her share) and my aunt is very indignant that she will get some of “their” money. I foresee legal issues and silly emotional battles when he passes away. I was thinking about that when there was the inheritance post the other day. I may or may not inherit a decent amount one day, but I’m definitely not living my life counting on it in any way because honestly, my family is unpredictable and anything could happen.
On the other side (a lot less wealthy), my grandmother had some wedding china nobody wanted. I have a big house, so I said sure, I’ll take it. My grandmother was happy to know that someone would use the china for dinner parties, etc. since she was moving to assisted living and didn’t need it anymore. Well apparently my aunt then got the idea that the china might be worth something, and came barreling in announcing she was going to take the china and sell it to a pawn shop. My grandmother said absolutely not, the point was for it to stay in the family and it has sentimental value. My aunt is now furious at me for “stealing” “her” china. I honestly don’t care about the china but she really wasn’t honoring my grandmother’s intentions. I actually use it a lot for dinners and always think fondly of my grandfathers as I’m using it. Money really brings out the ugly side of people.
So gross. I was a little sad that my aunts sold my grandmother’s silver without asking me. I’m the dinner party host in the family and I would have HAPPILY bought it from them instead of letting it go to the general market. I’d been looking for silver and it would have made my heart happy to have my grandma’s.
They did keep her silver plated stuff and offered me those, so I do have the sentimental part- just not the silver I actually wanted and would have happily paid market value (or more) for.
That’s terrible. I’m just hoping you snag some gorgeous Francis 1 or whatever makes your heart sing and use it in good health making fabulous memories for a really long time. The can sell the family silver but it seems like you’re inherited the spirit of hospitality which is a priceless endowment.
Dude, people go CRAZY over stuff. I had a client once who would call me, drunk, and then swear at me on the phone about how their sibling was “stealing” all of the stuff from their mom’s estate. (Narrator: My client was the problem.) People are nuts! I keep waiting for the pendulum to swing back – no one of my generation (early 40s) seems to care about their parents’ stuff so we’ll see as time goes on.
I do care but my house is a HCOL area is so much smaller than their massive houses. I have no room to take my great grandmother’s real wood, formal but wobbly furniture with small kids in a vaguely scandinavian modern, small urban home. I have kept the wedding china but never have people over :)
My MIL and her partner had a Zoom call with each child, telling them what % they would get. It’s a complicated family dynamic – my husband (MIL’s only child), my husband’s half brother (via his dad), and MIL’s 4 kids (they got together when the kids were late teens) .
They said “as you are [MILs] actual child, you’ll receive 3% more than everyone else”. 3% for being your mom’s only child feels fairly insulting BUT then its gets worse they came back and said “Partner’s kids were unhappy about this, so it’s 20% for everyone, sorry…” His stepmum came to the relationship literally penniless, so it’s my MILs pension/paid off mortgage.
People can do whatever they want with their money, but my MILs persistent record of putting everyone ahead of her child is always infuriating. My husband is the executor with one of the children, and honestly, I think he should recuse himself, he’s just going to end up angry about everything.
Huh?
I know… when my husband and I started dating, I had to make a chart to get the half siblings, not actual siblings but raised as siblings, and step siblings straight.
I think her MIL was married to FIL and then remarried a woman (MIL 2, who has 4 kids of her own).
thank you
My parents – with whom I have a reasonably close relationship, for context – have written me out of the will because I have a job and am working full time, and therefore do not need the money as much as my sibling, (who lives in the house my parents bought them & finished law school) working part time coaching skiing because they really like it. It’s not a lot of money, but the entire premise is ridiculous and hurtful. Still, it’s their money I guess.
That’s rough. Your parents are probably terrified the sibling won’t be able to support themselves after they’re gone, yet they are enabling the sibling to do just that. On your sibling’s end, maybe mental issues or just entitlement. That lifestyle is fun until you have an old body and nothing saved for retirement. At least you should feel free to never support your sibling financially.
I’m the youngest grandchild by a long shot. Before my grandmother moved into assisted living, she gave away most of the contents of her house and her valuables like jewelry to the grandchildren. Since I was “too young” (like 13, not even that young), every grandchild got beautiful antique furniture and high end jewelry from her except for me. My uncle and his family went through the house before anyone else could get in and sent anything of value that they didn’t want to auction. I’m pretty sure they kept the auction proceeds. I managed to get one gold leaf mirror that they left behind. My cousin found out about the mirror and had my grandmother call me and insist that I give it to him.
Grandma gave all of her pearls (many strands of varying lengths, bracelets, rings, earrings, it’s a lot) to my brother’s wife, who never wore them and has since divorced him. They have one son no daughters. When I was entering law school, I asked her if she’s not wearing the pearls then would she give one strand to me so I can honor grandma and also not have to buy my own pearls for work. She refused. She said maybe her son’s wife will want them some day. Cool so you have a drawer chock full of pearls that will sit there for 30+ years just in case some woman you’ve never met, who maybe hasn’t even been born yet, and who will have never met my grandmother wants them. She did not give them back in the divorce, of course.
to the OP from that post – do not give your nephew the ring OR money to pay for one. people should buy what they can afford
My grandmother cut my narcissistic, 2x-felon of an uncle out of her will and he didn’t know and it was beautiful. Passed the money to his four children. A step further, unbeknownst to everyone, she had been keeping a 25-year log of every cent she loaned (gave) him and netted it off of his quarter of the estate (she had four kids). Nana was not without her own controversies and issues, including enabling this uncle for legitimately decades dating back to the 70s, but man that was poetic.
My mom is one of four siblings- she has two sisters and a brother. Her brother, my uncle, moved 2k miles away when he was in his 20s, got married and had a kid and never told my grandparents. Apparently they had a strained relationship, okay, I’m sure there’s more to the story here. Anyway, fast forward a bit and Ammends are Being Made in some way- I was only a kid at the time, but all of a sudden my uncle starts flying out to visit regularly, with his wife and son in tow. Cool! I had a cousin my age (7) I never new existed! Then Uncle goes dark and a few years later flies out to visit with a new wife- he’d gotten divorced and I think my grandparents may have been vaguely aware. Cool, new wife is also nice and my cousin, now 13, is still fun enough to entertain me and my siblings during boring family events. Then my grandfather gets pretty sick and is on a slow decline. There is HIGH DRAMA as my uncle doesn’t come out to visit him at all, grandma is upset, my mom is LIVID, her two sisters are upset as well but not as indignant about it. He cites inability to pay (he is in a well paying profession and I can’t really imagine a $300 plane ticket is out of reach…but I digress) and my grandma offers to fly him out to visit. He drags his feet for months. My grandfather eventually dies, my mom is seething mad that my uncle still hasn’t come out. Funeral happens, no uncle or cousin. Six months later, uncle makes room in his schedule to drive out (not fly). Turns out he drove out and is looking for his portion of my grandfather’s estate, which includes several heirloom items like antique firearms etc. that can’t be flown home. He is also interested in any financial items that may be coming his way. There is Drama, to which I am not super privvy because I am only 16 at this time, but suffice it to say even my aunts, who give their brother a lot of leeway, are miffed.
And then, more radio silence. Years , decades, go by. Turns out my cousin grows up, goes to college on his own (dad won’t pay), moves 2k miles from HIS dad (who is now divorced again), gets married. He invites his dad, my grandmother, and my two aunts (not my mom, but this isn’t really an oversight; she’s been salty to that part of the family) to the wedding. My grandmother and aunts politely decline (it’s cross country and they don’t really travel) and send a gift. His own dad doesn’t go to the wedding. My cousin has a KID and his dad/my uncle still doesn’t travel. Now it’s 2022 and my grandmother is 96 and declining fast. Uncle is told what’s up, he declines to come out to say goodbye: “i’ve made my peace long ago.” My mom knew this was coming; my aunts are totally disgusted that he won’t show up to say goodbye. surely, they think, he will come to the funeral. Funeral comes and goes and he doesn’t show up.
So the estate settles, my mom and aunts sort things out. My grandmother had re-written her will a decade or so ago so that most of her assets are divided among her daughters, who have been there with her as she ages these past ~25 years. My grandmother was toward the end of her savings when she died but still had some assets. There is some portion of the assets that is split 4 ways and not 3, so my uncle does actually stand to inherit something in the mid/high 4 figures- based on what my mom inherited, his portion really can’t be more than $10k or so. Anyway, there is all this drama about how they will get him the money, what is his address, etc.
I, now 40, make a comment like, “why don’t you leave a check for him with the bank?” And my mom bursts out laughing and does exactly that. They phone him, leave message (he never answers when they call) that there is a check for his portion of the estate at YXZ bank in Grandma’s Town, so far away he could never make time or money to come visit, not even for his parents’ funerals. The bank calls- he came in person to pick up the check within 3 business days.
The only sad part to all this is my mom tried to convince my grandmother to leave any funds to my cousin instead of my uncle. She didn’t go for it, which is too bad because my cousin is a just fine adult who kept in loose touch (he was a male with a bad relationship with his dad, so stands to reason he didn’t go out of his way to stay close to that side of the family, all across the country!).
My family inheritance story involves sufficient wealth and drama that posting about it might out me.
It does, however, make for outstanding “you wouldn’t believe this” stories over drinks. One woman described it as “Your family doesn’t have first world problems. Your family has Real Housewives of Beverly Hills problems.”
This is my husband’s family. It is soap opera levels and the particulars are so outrageous that I think a script writer would be told to tone it down. There are actually several books that have been published off of various aspects, and yes, you have read some of the true, salacious details in People magazine.
Serious question: what is it like marrying into that? I was born into the crazy; DH, who is from a thoroughly sensible and middle class family, is sometimes horrified.
My family of origin is incredibly toxic and I cut off all contact years ago because of it. I am certain I have been disinherited and look forward to not dealing with any of the drama that will happen.
Same here. Not gonna lie, the $2M or so would be life changing, but what’s also life changing is having a happy and emotionally healthy family (me, DH, kiddo, pet).
Yep. A happy and emotionally healthy family is totally worth my not getting a cent. Honestly, I would rather sleep in a box under a bridge and eat from a garbage can than inherit anything from them.
I also don’t expect anything from my parents, but if by chance I’m asked to “settle the estate” I’ll certainly charge market rate for it.
I’m financially better off than my parents and I expect nothing from them when they die and I don’t feel entitled to anything anyway. My husband is not like that and it’s a little crazy to me to hear him talk about presumed inheritances. He also assumed that everybody just gets an inheritance when their parents die and I disabused him of that notion very quickly.
You’d be surprised. None of my parents’ parents had any kind of big money. The real drama came over STUFF. Not like, valuable stuff. Just…stuff. There was so much drama over you name it- old Christmas ornaments, costume jewelry, boxes of old artwork (that my relative had painted, not actually worth money), even old towels. Spoiler: it was not about the stuff.
True, there will be lots of stuff! I’m an only child, though, so hopefully there’s no drama there. And I totally understand that it’s never really about the stuff.
That was and is my DH’s family.
I’m also from a working class background and financially better off than anyone in my family, so there’s no expectation of an inheritance. My parents are divorced. Mom still has a mortgage in her 70s, and dad owns no property. Neither have savings or other assets. I’m kind of glad after reading these comments…
That’s unfortunate about your husband! I don’t think an inheritance it’s a typical expectation for the majority of Americans who lack generational wealth.
My dad and his sister didn’t speak for seven years over three essentially worthless costume jewelry bracelets that were their moms after her death (my aunt wanted two for her two daughters, my dad thought each sibling should get one, ie him and his brother each get one too). Both super stubborn people who finally thawed after seven years but it was a very chilly time.
I’m super lucky to have a very low-drama family, so this is just a funny one. The Christmas after my grandma died, my aunts called all the “girls” (granddaughters and granddaughters-in-law) into the kitchen. My cousins and I all received some beautiful, sentimental jewelry that my grandparents had set aside for us. The granddaughters-in-law all received small boxes, and were shocked to see what were obviously engagement rings inside. While they all had great relationships with my grandma, they were a little surprised that she had left them something so sentimental. Turns out, my beloved grandma had been engaged several times before she married my grandpa, so she had just been hanging onto these rings for 70+ years. Everyone got a chuckle out of it, and they all have a great story about a wonderful lady when they wear them.
That’s so sweet!
Yikes. Apparently having parents who are already broke has its perks.
I feel the same way!
This is a small silly one that makes my mom mad and makes me laugh. My paternal grandmother had one daughter and I am her only granddaughter as my aunt never had kids. My grandma gave me some costume jewelry before she died which makes me happy. All her precious jewelry went to her daughter, and I will likely get it when my aunt passes and will be happy about that—but not mad if it doesn’t come to me.
Well, my grandma downsized into assisted living when I was a late teenager. She asked me if I wanted anything from her house. The only thing I asked for was a little children’s wooden rocking chair that I spent many hours in as a child, reading or watching TV when visiting my grandparents. I loved that thing and wanted it for my own kids to sit in one day. She promised it to me. When she moved (to an assisted living down the street from us, from a plane flight away), I asked her where the chair was. She said that since I was still a teenager she’d given it to her brother’s daughter, childless and living several hours away, with whom we had friendly but little contact. Supposedly they were supposed to keep it for me until I had a house of my own. She died a few years later. I never brought it up again and I will never see that chair. I think my mom may have asked the brother’s daughter about it once and she played dumb. To me it’s a little sad, but mostly weird and eye rolling funny. My mom was absolutely incensed on my behalf! Ah well, it’s just a chair.
Oh! But I thought of a positive one! My maternal great-aunt died. She had a daughter and two granddaughters plus a granddaughter in law when she died. My mom was very close to her and her daughter. My great-aunt had TONS of very nice, very valuable silver/turquoise/artisan jewelry from the southwest U.S. After her memorial (I couldn’t go), the ladies (including my mom) had a jewelry party. They told my mom to pick out her favorite two pieces once they were done claiming their absolute faves. And there was a gigantic over the top silver bracelet that is one of a kind but “too much” for any of them. They knew I would love it, so they sent it home with my mom for me. I was so surprised and overjoyed to get it, I loved my great aunt and I love thinking of her. True generosity that wasn’t really about the stuff. Brings a tear of joy to my eye to tell the story.
I think everyone seems to have some sort of drama! In my family, someone filed a falsified affidavit with the court stating their mother was unmarried at the time of death. Surprise, she WAS married and her husband was alive and well. This personal also proceeded to attempt to claim her “inheritance” of the furniture in the home where the husband still lived!! (And we are talking a marriage of over 3 decades, not a short lived later in life marriage.) This situation had to involve a change of all locks and garage codes to keep them from helping themselves to whatever was in the house.
This happened before I was born, but apparently when my paternal grandmother died, my dad’s ex-wife swooped in and took all of her nice furs and jewelry before he and my mom were able to show up to the house.
Estate split between ten children. 31% to three, 1% to the remaining seven.
Whoa, ten siblings? COLD to the remaining seven!
Whaaaa did I just read?
No drama here: My parents made fairly elaborate estate-planning arrangements involving a trust and several real properties. But by the time they died, in their mid-90s, the properties had been sold and all that was left was a fair amount of cash in bank accounts, which, mercifully, they made me a signatory to during my mom’s last illness. So when my dad died a few years later, all I had to do was write (modest — mid-five-figure) checks to each of the four children. I don’t know what my ne’er-do-well brother did with his share, but my half-sister used her share to buy her very first house at the age of 70 (she was thrilled; I was a little salty because my dad could have helped her buy a house at any time over the last 50 years but it apparently didn’t occur to him), and my half-brother was able to do some much-needed upgrades to his home. And I split my share with my daughter and it helped her move to a new state and get settled.
I have my mom’s engagement ring and am saving it for my daughter but now I’m thinking I might just give it to her sooner rather than later so she can enjoy it as she wishes.
A positive story: my mom’s relationship with her sisters was quite strained. Especially after their remaining parent passed. One sister was a real bean-counter in apportioning the estate. Like if only one sister wanted that painting, but that meant their total inheritance value would exceed the others, the sister that wanted the painting couldn’t have it without giving up something else. I was so turned off by the whole thing. I thought I would never speak to my mom’s sisters unless required.
Fast forward to now: My mom has passed, and I am closer to her sisters than anyone else in my family. I think it helped that I made some olive branch offerings to both sisters. I don’t have kids, so I offered the bean-counting sister a few pieces of jewelry to pass on to her grandkids. Both of my aunts have been lifelines to me through my mom’s long illness and finally death.
Grandfather made his four kids over the years sign riders acknowledging that large gifts (e.g., car, down payment) would be subtracted from the allocation of their share of the estate. Immediately upon his death, grandma redid the will so that each kid (now in their late 40s through 60s) got an equal share obliterating grandpa’s tallying over the decades. She thought it was BS.
This story is great and is one of the many reasons I encourage people not to count on an inheritance before it happens! If there’s any intermediate person in the equation, you have no idea what they’re going to do with the estate.
My grandparents’ estate was small (under $500K), to be split among 3 kids plus my 2 cousins who are children of kid #4, their father who’s an alcoholic. My grandparents didn’t want my uncle to inherit his share and drink it away, further endangering his health, so the plan was my 2 adult cousins would split the 4th share.
Everyone knew and agreed to the plan. Yet when my grandparents died, of course my uncle was suddenly enraged. He and his wife (not his children’s mom) decided they were going to “break the trust”. They spent so much in litigation that basically nothing was left.
The shares went reduced by over 80%…and of course, my uncle got $0. It was really hurtful for my cousins to see their dad behaving like that, too.
This isn’t really drama, but after my grandmother passed, my grandfather showed up with three rings and presented them to my mother, my sister, and me. My mother got one with two giant old mine diamonds, which she later had reset into very tasteful but prominent stud earrings. My sister got to pick one of two from my grandfather’s clenched hands, so it would be fair between us. She got a solitaire with a large diamond. I got a solitaire with a smaller but not small diamond. These were all heirlooms predating my grandmother.
My sister says she doesn’t think she has the ring anymore. That means she sold it (instead of working) but doesn’t want to come out and say it.
My mother somehow managed to lose the earrings, probably in a move. We are pretty sure she just threw them away accidentally.
I still have mine, tucked away safely. I wore it for a while but the setting is delicate and the stone is loose. Soon I will have it reset and wear it again.
There are no kids to pass these things along to, so it’s not that tragic, but I am disheartened by how carelessly my mother and sister handled these things. I’ve never really said anything though and won’t.
When my grandfather passed, my mother inherited enough to take care of herself very well forever. So she was also very cavalier about how she disposed of his valuable possessions. For example, there was a large rug worth $20-30k that she just discarded. I would have gladly driven four hours to retrieve it had I known. That amount of $$ is meaningful to me even if not worth the hassle of a phone call to a consigner to her.
Heading into year 4 of defending my late partner’s will against his ex and kids. We were together 15 years, he had a very generous life insurance policy for them, but…here we are.
What would you have worn to something called a “Fall Premiere” at Au Bar in 1997? I got invited but was too intimidated by possibly dressing wrong that I didn’t go. This board would have been helpful back when my closet was some AT Loft suits and LL Bean from undergrad and possibly high school (it does last forever). I had a briefcase, no evening bag, and a fanny pack for “purses.” I wore dark berry lipstick. Even now, I’m not sure what I should have worn or if I’d have anything OK now (a LBD and bag, yes, but I might get the footwear totally wrong). That said, I go into Tao easily just as I am. I found the Au Bar invite at my parents house over Christmas and laughed that im still stumped. I could have used my words and asked, but Looking Dumb was still an issue with me.
Would you wear this very outfit?
What?!?
I think the OP is musing and going down memory lane, trying to recreate mentally what she “would have worn” based on what other people chime in and say. For example, someone say “oh, I went to a Winter Wonderland event at Lagalouge in 1996, and I wore….” and that jogs the OP’s memory and they remember what they wore. It sounds like they found a flyer for that event and is wondering (in text) “what DID I wear to this mystery event” well…let me ask people who may have attended a similar event. They also note (confusingly) “Gee, maybe I just wore any old thing because I got in Tao [another hot spot] wearing whatever”.
Then the final part is “I found this invite, and I could have asked my parents but I don’t want them to think I can’t remember.”
I concur it’s written…very confusingly like a stream of consciousness ramble.
That’s bizarre
I mean, it’s not written very clearly but there’s nothing really strange about the idea.
Except the one clear part is that she says she actually did not go bc she could not identify an appropriate outfit.
Not sure if OP is just trying to impress us with her invite over 25 years ago to a place no one has heard of and going to “Tao” today. This kind of name dropping drives me crazy.
I don’t know what Au Bar is or what Tao is and I was 16 in 1997. That said, all of my 1990s-era “going out” outfits were modeled on whatever Kate Moss was wearing.
Tao is a restaurant/club in NYC and a few other cities that was a scene-y place a decade or so ago. I think Au Bar is an even older version of that.
What?
I was in college at the time and was incredibly self-conscious about my skin, so I would have been freaking out about my makeup. I probably (well, almost certainly) would have worn the plain black 1950s c*cktail dress I found at Garment District in Boston with black patent leather heels.
I need a gut check — when you talk to your parents, or parents and their partners, on the phone, do you talk to them one at a time or is it a speakerphone thing?
When my mom was alive, my conversations with parents were always solo — I’d call, talk to whichever answered, then they’d pass me to the other if they were available. But since my dad remarried (18 months ago), he puts me on speaker and his wife is there most of the time. I don’t dislike his wife, but I don’t feel especially close to her either, and I don’t really want to be, for Reasons. There’s a little bit of Bitch Eating Crackers going on (aka it’s super easy for me to get annoyed with her), so I’m trying to put this particular annoyance in perspective and not overreact … but also, I’d just like to be able to talk to my dad 1:1 every so often.
I know the thing I have to do is woman up and say “hey, Dad, can we talk without C around sometimes?”, but until I get the nerve to do that, I’d like a gut check to see how normal (or not) this is. I’ll feel better about asking for solo phone calls if I know this speakerphone thing is not the norm.
We’re a speakerphone family. If I call my mom and my dad is around she’ll put it in speakerphone. When we talk to my in-laws it’s assumed we’re talking to both of them. If I want to talk to one of my parents 1:1 I schedule something in person, but I’m fortunate to live in the same city as them.
When my husband calls his parents, they each get on a house phone and talk together, otherwise he will hear the same stories twice when he talks 1:1 (they used to do it that way, it’s evolved to become more productive lol).
I pretty much just call my mom? I text with my dad but only call him when I am having trouble with the car or house, basically. We are a close family in that the family text thread is active every day, so we keep up with each others’ news that way. My mom and I talk minutiae or gossip, or we call when we’re bored.
Your situation is a little different because it’s not your mom. But I don’t think it’s unusual to be on speaker if you are basically giving each other weekly updates; old people have limited social lives and like to feel included. But you can definitely speak up and request otherwise.
I always talk to both my parents at the same time, though on their landline, not speakerphone. I only call their cells when they’re traveling or if there’s something that has to be dealt with urgently, so not times when we’re just chatting. I live far away and only see them rarely.
My MIL just calls DH’s cell, ditto my SILs, so I never talk to them. I think it’s sad. This year we dropped the landline so now I’m an offender also. My parents share a cell phone but I. Usually call the land line so I talk to both, but sequentially.
It’s both. If both of my parents are on speakerphone, that’s totally fine with me. But I have individual conversations with them sometimes, too. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting 1:1 time with your dad without your stepmom listening in!
I so feel this post. I’m in a similar situation, except that my parents transitioned to putting the phone on speaker a few years before my mom died. But it’s so weird that dad’s new wife is always a part of our conversations now. One thing that helps me deal with it is that I asked dad about his speakerphone habit and he told me that he can hear the phone better that way. Maybe your dad has similar hearing issues emerging?
I do sometimes ask dad for solo calls, but it’s generally to talk about a sensitive topic. I’ve also trained him to text more frequently, and that helps a lot.
Always solo and sequential if talking to both in one call (though you’ll often hear my dad in the background shout “tell her about x” instead). I would have the conversation, as difficult as it may feel. I would want 1:1 sometimes and don’t think that’s weird at all.
When I call my dad, the conversation usually starts with him listening through his hearing aids. But then I will tell a story and his girlfriend (in her 80’s also) will ask a question about the half of the conversation she hears or wants to say hi so he puts it on speaker. It is sometimes a little annoying, but it’s nice that she cares about his family and wants to talk to me. His last girlfriend, a relationship that lasted years, didn’t have any interest. So I choose to accept it and be happy that my dad, who is now 89, has someone in his life everyday who cares.
Yep, that’s the attitude I’m trying to take, but it’s not working very well. Long story, but this marriage was very soon after my mom died and C is quite different from my mom, and it’s just … a lot.
We mostly use speakerphone except with my FIL, who uses hearing aids and has a hard time understanding when speakerphone is enabled on either end. Usually there is only one person fully involved in the conversation on each end and the other household members float in and out of the conversation. My husband and his family are so loud that usually the same dynamic happens with or without speakerphone.
I hate speakerphone. I talk to my parents separately similar to what you describe. My in-laws always do speakerphone and for some reason it makes me very uncomfortable and I agree the conversation is much less intimate that way.
We do general catch-ups on speakerphone and serious conversations (which don’t happen often) one-on-one.
We normally call my parents on the smart speaker, but I will often call my mum when I’m travelling for a long catch up. My dad might be around, but he’s not much of a chatter. My husband tries to speak to his mum solo, avoiding his stepmum. He’d really like to talk to his dad solo to see how he’s doing/how his stepmum is doing, but his stepmum is always around.
I think it’s very common for remarried men to misread the dynamics of a newly blended family. At least, this exact situation happened to me 9 years ago. I think my father believed very firmly the transitive theory of friendship, and thus believed his new wife was a direct replacement for my deceased mother. This was really underlined a few years later when I was pregnant. My father called me up to tell me that his wife would not come to help out after the baby was born. It’s like he thought she was a second mother to me, but of course, she is not. Definitely talk to your Dad. To be honest, I would address this situation head on by saying you’re still getting to know new wife.
Yes, IME remarried men will tend to focus on the new wife and her children at the expense of their own children.
I hate speakerphone from an auditory perspective and don’t talk with anyone that way if I can help it. If it’s going to be a group thing, we switch to video chat.
One at a time, even when they’re in the same room.
Unless you’re talking about something personal that you don’t want her to know, this is not a battle I’d fight. It is likely to come off like you don’t like her, especially since it seems that’s kind of true. And I don’t think he’s likely to actually comply with your request. He’ll “forget” and you’ll have to have the same conversation every time. I think it’s totally fair to ask to be taken off speaker if you have something private to discuss, though.
FWIW I totally understand the annoyance. My brother started doing this when he started dating his now wife. I LOVE his wife, she is the sister I never had, I would totally take her side if they ever divorce, I am 1000% pro-SIL, but sometimes I just want to talk to my big brother, you know?
This is exactly why DH and I were very intentional about scheduling 1:1 time for him and his daughter (then 14) and time for all three of us together every week when she was with us (we merged households three years after meeting). At the time, there were eyerolls (“why do we have to SCHEDULE everything – why can’t it just be organic like it is at Mom’s?”), but I thought alone time with her dad was important and I was not going to be blamed for her not getting it.
I have always talked to each of my parents solo. And what you’re describing would make me batty and drive a wedge in my relationship with my dad. In fact, my dad has started dating after my mom’s death (with my blessing) and I recently had to woman up and tell him I need more space between his girlfriend and me because I am just not ready for him to have a girlfriend even though I know that relationship is bringing joy to him. He was fine with it and glad I said something. So if he were doing what you’re describing, I’d have the conversation. I also know that he would agree with my ask, which makes the conversation easier. I hope your dad also responds favorably. Perhaps you can ask him to get coffee with you (just him) and bring it up then? You clearly need New Wife not to be participating and around.
I usually talk to my parents solo but if my dad is in the car with his wife, I’ll be on speakerphone and he lets me know that.
I’m Anon at 10:29. Totally agree that if the people are in the car and they tell you who is there, then that’s a speakerphone conversation and absolutely fine. But if I call my dad and he is at home, at his office, etc., then I expect a one on one conversation
My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mom remarried when I was 6. I never was close with my step-father, and moved away to live with my father’s relatives in another country when I was 9. I would go “home” in the summers and stay with my grandmother, because my stepfather didn’t want me in the house. After grandma died (when I was in college), I stopped going “home” and have visited only a few times since and my mom visited me a few times (alone) after my kids were born. About 10 years ago, I’m in my 30s, and my mom announces that she’s divorcing my stepfather and marrying Some Other Guy. I’ve met Some Other Guy a few times because he was my mom’s coworker, but in that “let me show off my teenage daughter to all my coworkers” context. Now she wants a closer relationship, and starts calling me 2-3 times a month, usually on facetime. But every single time is on speakerphone and Some Other Guy is there and sometimes pipes in. She also refers to Some Other Guy as “your grandpa” when talking to my kids. They’ve never met him.
So I SO FEEL YOU OP. It’s just weird and annoying and I feel like the calls are more obligation than genuine connection because this TOTAL STRANGER is in there. I mean he’s been around for a while now, but he’s still not my parent or stepparent, if that makes sense.
always solo and sequential. I tell different stories to mom and dad since dad can relate a thousand percent more to work stories while mom is more fashion & lifestyle, lol.
Something similar happens with my dad and his lady friend. He doesn’t put me on speaker but talks to me on his phone in the same room as her. He always seems to be trying to entertain her with his side of the conversation. Or he tells me stories about how great she is at his hobby, which she just picked up. Or he will tell me long stories about her family who I have never met. And he will stop our conversation to explain things to her too. I hate it so much and it makes me really miss my mom. I know that I should be grateful that he has a companion but it’s hard.
I t’s probably best to just assume that whatever I tell one parent will be shared with the other (step-)parent, no secrets between them. Sadly, that means not sharing information with the biological parent if I don’t want to share it with the step-parent, but that’s the way it is, and most of the time this isn’t an issue. It’s my parent’s life, and they can organize it the way they want, I can’t control how they decide to speak on the other end of the phone with me.
Shopping help – looking for a bedside table lamp with some black in it (either in the base or full lamp), ideally one that has the on/off switch on the bottom, and even more ideal if it has USB charging ports. There are some on Amazon but I’m not sure about the quality.
Crate and Barrel has a couple of desk lamps with usb ports that could work. Not cheap, but stylish. Good luck!
Thank you! I’ll check them out.
Boden folks: look up the icon jacket, skirt with front slit, and pants. I need, but for what? It’s a lot of look but I’m needing pops of color to fight the winter blahs. Vaguely Scandi wood fairy look. Ok, maybe not vaguely.
Can you just post a link?
I have no idea what this is for either, but if it helps I just bought the jacket and I’ll figure it out once it gets here. That is so lovely and cheerful, and feels like it’d be really easy to dress up or down.
Ooooooh I like the jacket, but I am obsessed with the skirt! So much fun.
I love the jacket!
Current chorus going off in my in my head:
want need, want need, want need.
Just for today it will continue to live on their website. Sigh.
The jacket is versatile, use it as you would a premium leather jacket or statement blazer.
Would be lovely with straight leg jeans and a tee.
Drop the skirt, and if you get the trousers, use with neutral top, not the jacket.
If you double up, it will look like a bull fighter wannabe Morris dancer, but the jacket or trousers alone would be great.
+1
Very fun. I’d love to be able to pull off that skirt, but IMO, that look is reserved for tall, willowy types. I fear the jacket would also look terrible on my busty, 5’4 self. The pants could work! But the pants are the least fun of the three.
Are you going to be doing some bullfighting in the immediate future?
Chapter 13 here. I haven’t checked-in in a while, mainly because I’m not doing well and I’m deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I have a spending addiction. Most of you are probably thinking, “you didn’t realize this by now?” but it hits different when you’re spending your paycheck instead of putting it on a credit card. I’ve put myself in some horrible situations over the last few months, including having very little money leftover for food and nearly getting evicted (apparently my city evicts after being 10 days late on one month). I’ve missed my Chapter 13 plan payment twice. Missing it 3 times gets you kicked out and all your progress thus far would be a waste. I’m NOT asking for sympathy here, I’m just laying out how bad it’s gotten. I’m actually scared to post this because I know I will get backlash, but I also know those who care about me on this board will keep me accountable as I continue to check in. All this to say I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow over zoom. I found her after researching shopping/spending addictions, which she has on her website, and she indicated she can help me. The appointment can’t come fast enough!!! I feel like I’ve finally hit rock bottom with the near eviction and I’m ready to change. I NEED to change.
No shame in your honestly. Please be kind to yourself in thoughts and self talk.
Gently, may I suggest Debtors Anonymous. It is not only for those in debt, it was especially helpful for my own
overspending issue….. lifelong overspending. It was how I finally fixed it. Please keep us posted.
+1 to trying a 12 step program.
I read your third sentence and thought “good for you for identifying a problem.” You don’t deserve to be roasted. You are figuring out how you got to where you are, and I assume you’re going to continue to take action to change and improve yourself and, thus, your life. When we look at other people’s lives, their behaviors can be easy to spot. But when we look at our own lives, they can be much harder. So perhaps it wasn’t obvious to you that you have a spending addiction (addiction is a big word, but based on what you’ve written, it seems to fit). Perhaps you thought you were just “bad with money” or something similar. Identifying that you have an addiction is something you should be applauded for because now you can do something about it. As I write that, I think “yes, but Chapter 13 also has so many other things she is trying to do something about. She’s probably exhausted.” And I don’t know how to help you there. You sound like you’re doing your best. You’ve had some off-the-rails months. You also can get back on the horse and get back at it. I doubt that you can be truly successful though unless you address the addiction. Maybe someone here knows whether there is a free AA, OA, etc. type program for shoppers that might be helpful to you.
I’m glad you posted. Keep coming back. I bet most women on this board support you and want to see you thrive and succeed. And if this accountability helps, then that’s wonderful. I always like seeing your updates because I believe you’ll come out on the other side with your life in a better place.
+1 Keep coming back here and posting. Keep seeking help as you identify specific behaviors that you are struggling with. We are rooting for you!
This is such a great response and I agree whole heartedly. It’s so hard to see our own issues because we are too close. But good for you for recognizing it and taking steps to help. Progress is generally not a steep incline up. Sometimes there are bumps and we go backwards. But you are doing the work and identifying the root issue and taking steps to correct it! You can do this! Sending you hugs, positive thoughts and support!
I’m not the person that’s going to be able to give you really concrete advice but I’m proud of you for continuing to post here. Ignore any hate you get (I don’t think you’ll get much).
The only way out is through. You will get better. Listen to the wise advice others have to offer. Hugs.
As someone who has struggled with (a different form of) addition, I just want you to know that this internet stranger is sending you support and best wishes. This is tough but you can overcome it, and things can get better. The path to recovery isn’t always linear.
I hope no one gives you backlash. I have an overspending problem too so you have lots of sympathy from me. I’m really proud of you for getting help!
Lots of hugs. This sounds really hard. I hope the therapist works out.
It’s a big step that you’ve identified your spending addiction and got an appointment with a therapist. This internet stranger is rooting for you!
+1 on rooting for you!
mee too!
Oh, a HUGE hug to you. I have been thinking about you and assuming no news was good news. Hugs, dear lady.
Addiction is addiction. You aren’t a worse person for having that, any more than a weakness in your legs or a degenerative disease would make you a worse person.
The only thing I can say is that sometimes spending addictions come with other MH issues (bipolar, for one). Your therapist can help you do an assessment for that if s/he thinks it appropriate; just wanted to flag it.
I have a mild overspending problem and a big food addiction problem and have nothing but love and support for you. I’m sure near eviction was quite the eye opener. Write down how you feel about that right now. Make that writing one of the hopefully many tools in your arsenal for fighting this problem into submission. I’m a big believer that you cannot change who you fundamentally are, but that you very much can have control over which facets of yourself are allowed to control your life. This is a part of you that needs to be sidelined, for your own well being and for the good of your future. I wish you well on that journey. I believe in you and believe that you can succeed.
Here to applaud you for being able to see this and say it to yourself – better times are ahead
Rooting for you! I know it’s hard but I believe that you can overcome this. Thanks for checking in and please keep doing it, in hard times and good times.
Thank you for checking in! I am a problem solver by nature so please skip this if you aren’t looking for advice; I can’t help myself sometimes.
If I remember correctly, you got a new, better paying job, right? Is it possible to have your money spent for you before it gets to you? At least to help build up savings/protect you against yourself. My company allows paychecks to be split/routed. So I have $X go to the bank that has my mortgage, $Y to long term savings, $Z to short term savings and $AA to the account from which my retirement contributions are drawn. Anything left goes into checking.
Frankly, you could do this then change your PW so you can’t access the bank account without getting it reset etc.
Just a thought.
And while I don’t have issues with money, I struggle to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I have learned that I need to outsmart myself or I slip into my old habits. Right now that includes mentally telling myself I’m not allowed to have a drink until I lose the X pounds I’ve been swearing I need to do for the past 2 years. Somehow my brain can do that, but not “don’t drink too much.” Sometimes that means I need to finish my glass of wine then pour the rest of the bottle out so I don’t decide to drink it later. Or proactively make myself tea or schedule a workout for 6:30am with a friend so I can’t have a few drinks before bed, or make late night plans so I get home too late for a drink, or let my kid have a sleepover (I don’t EVER have more than a glass of wine if we have someone else’s kid staying over!).
Good luck and keep your chin up. It’ll be better next month; the holidays are tough.
Another trick to outsmarting yourself- what if you set your rent to be paid a month in advance? Eg. if it’s due on the 1st, pay it on the 2nd of every month *for next month*. stay one month ahead so if you ever have a slipup, you have a month to recover. I had to do that with my mortgage only because I would occasionally forget to make the transfer!
This is a great idea. Alternately, set it to be paid (or pay it) when your paycheck hits your bank.
This is a great idea… for those who have an extra month’s worth of rent on hand. When I was on a strict, aggressive plan like I’m guessing Chapter 13 is, I didn’t have that wiggle room.
I went to a financial therapist, which is different than a financial advisor. I had three sessions and honestly found it very, very helpful. I was able to go from 4-figures in overdraft fees every year to ZERO after just three sessions. It wasn’t any hypnosis or anything, just her being able to point out and articulate some patterns and help me reframe some stuff.
I hope you find similar help!
I think many more people struggle with compulsive or addictive spending or even sub clinical levels and just don’t talk about it or think about it that way.
Society is very, very stressful right now, and I completely understand how people fall into addiction.
I’m proud of you for posting. Sending you my best.
Huge hugs to you! I wanted to share a couple of thoughts that might be helpful, if you’re open to considering them.
Firstly, I suggest creating a spreadsheet where you can list your essential expenses such as rent, chapter 13 plan payment, a reasonable food budget, and anything else that is a must. One option could be subtracting your total monthly takehome from the total amount required for these “must-have” expenses, and then withdrawing the remaining amount in cash for any additional expenses. (The envelope budget system from YNAB might work for you, maybe with just 2 envelopes, one for food and one for everything else?) https://www.ynab.com/blog/what-is-a-cash-envelope-system
Another option: you could calculate how much each “must” expense should be paid from each paycheck. For instance, if you receive two paychecks a month, you could divide the rent amount by 2, and so on, estimating how much of your take home pay should go to “must” expenses. Then, use automatic transfers to move that calculated “must” amount from your checking account to your savings account the day after your paycheck is deposited.
How have you enabled yourself to fuel the shopping? Is it carrying your debit card around with you daily and impulse buying IRL (in which case bring only $20 or whatever cash and leave it at home)? Is it online shopping with your debit card (in which case maybe call your bank and ask to have it frozen for X days at a time)?
I was going to suggest therapy, so hooray for you for getting that set up! This stuff is hard and I’m proud of you for still being in there fighting the good fight! I agree with the suggestion to automate as much of your financial life as you can. I always say my money comes in and goes out automatically and is largely untouched by human hands — can you set up something like that with automatic bill pay and savings transfers and so on?
Admitting the problem is the first, huge step to addressing any addiction. Proud of you for doing this. There’s no shame in admitting you need help. I’m glad you made the therapist appointment and wish you the best!
I have been following your journey and was so impressed by how hard you worked to change your job and living situation to work with your life post bankruptcy. I know you will work just as hard to stay on course and get through this dark time. Good luck, we are all rooting for you!
I’m a bit bored with the lifestyle bloggers I follow at the moment and am looking for recommendations! I understand this probably a bit of a tall order, but I’d like a few that don’t constantly have shopping/product roundups because I’m trying to curb my spending at the moment. The problem is that I actually really love those type of roundups and then end up feeling like I want to buy something! I, of course, read Cup of Jo, and I like The Stripe but that does lean heavily toward shopping. I find Reading My Tea Leaves to be very holier than thou but would open to something in the “slow, sustainable” genre that’s not her specifically. Any favorites to recommend? Thank you!
Obviously different strategies work for different people, but for me, the best way to not want to buy stuff is to spend less time thinking about stuff… which means not following lifestyle bloggers. Even if they encourage buying less or more sustainable stuff, it’s still more stuff, and stuff I never would have thought to need. It’s how they make money, whereas I save money and have less environmental impact by not buying stuff. The easiest way to do that is to not want it in the first place.
Overall, this is me too. I don’t know why, but I like the bloggers PB Fingers and Peanut Butter Runner. They do feature stuff they buy, but the stuff isn’t the focus of their blogs. They just seem like happy woman, and I’ve enjoyed following their stories.
Yes, being online more (on any platform, following anyone) makes me feel like I need to shop. Even if bloggers aren’t overtly posting links to products, they’ve curated a certain lifestyle and home decor and aesthetic that encourages imitation. And if you follow them on social they are probably always posting links in stories.
Perhaps podcasts could help scratch that it? In the vein of “girlfriends chat about life”. A Thing or Two with Claire and Erica comes to mind. (They do often talk products, but without the visual and the link it doesn’t hit the same way)
Are you on substack? I’m loving Anne Helen Peterson, Lainey Gossip (The Squawk), and Drinks with Broads (the Fuggirls). There are lots of women writing thoughtfully about all sorts of ‘real’ topics – raising kids, life after divorce, fatphobia, aging, aging parents, etc.
Also Erin Carlson, Elizabeth Holmes, and Clara (color me lovely)
Unfortunately the job of bloggers/influencers is to sell stuff.
Exactly. That’s how they make money.
if you just want something you can’t (easily) shop then look for bloggers in other countries. Im UK based and i follow bloggers in US, Canada and Ireland. If there is something i absolutely LOOOOOOVE I can find out if I can purchase it, but generally I only look as its all out of physical reach for me.
I mean, if your ultimate goal is to not buy as much stuff, why follow anyone whose sole purpose is to sell you stuff?
600 square feet and a baby has a nice blog focused on small space living. I check in every few months — she doesn’t post often, and does buy stuff, but thoughtfully and not constantly.
Brown girl green on instagram is fun sustainability.
I also like clotheshorsepodcast on instagram. Her content really does help me not want to shop as much. At least for clothes.
BlossomandBranchFarm on IG is in the slow & sustainable genre and is more of a DIY vibe. I don’t recall her trying to upsell stuff.
My Green Closet and Gittemary Johansen sound like they’re exactly what you’re looking for. I think you’ll like them for the exact reason I dislike them.
The Gold Hive is more DIY than lifestyle, but has a big sustainability and green focus. Unfortunately, her posting schedule has really dropped off lately.
I like decluttering blogs. Being reminded how great it is to get rid of stuff is a natural slowing-down-shopping inspiration.
I also like people focussing on second hand and choosing less. These people don’t make magazine style articles, though, so if that style and aesthetics are part of why you like Cup of Jo, it won’t fill that gap.
Leena Norms on youtube is one of my favorites.
What is a current looking swacket or jardigan that covers the butt? I don’t like the cropped lady styles.
I don’t think that’s a current look.
+1 I still wear mine for WFH to keep warm but it’s definitely not current fwiw.
It’s not but J Crew still has the long sweater jackets.
Yep, J Crew
A boxy or boyfriend blazer.
Despite wearing a full face of “natural” looking make up, I’m not a lipstick wearer. Never have been. I think I’m relaly scarred from playing with my mom’s make up in the 80s and associating lipstick with a nasty smell. IDK…. anyway. I’m huge fan of just plain old chapstick, so I’m used to having something on my lips. But I’m working on my makeup game and this feels like an obviously missing piece of the picture.
What product do you recommend if I want the slightest of natural lip color pop? I mean like natural, Kate Middleton-esque neutral/understated but also crisp and put together looking? Nothing shiny, no big lip lining, etc. TIA.
I have a tinted lip balm from Burts Bees.
+1 this. I was surprised how much color it adds (in a good way) but doesn’t feel like lipstick.
I love my Ilia tinted balms.
+1, super comfortable and moisturizing and still enough color.
Clinque’s Almost Lipstick in Pink Honey or Black Honey. I put balm on first and then Black Honey over top. I also use fresh Sugar Lip Balm that is tinted. I like the plum color. Finally, I also really, really like NARS Afterglow lip balm in Wicked Ways. My lips get too dry from lipstick, so the fresh and NARS have given me the color I want with hydration. Clinque needs the clear balm first or I get too dry. These colors work for me, but they each have multiple shades to try out for what works for you.
Tinted lipbalm in mauve or rosewood? Moisturizing lipstick such as Chanel Adrienne? I’ve struggled with lip color for long time before I figured out my coloring (pale olive) and adjusted accordingly.
French Girl Organics (silly name but great products) has excellent, cruelty-free tinted lip balms.
Neutrogena revitalizing lip balm in sheer plum has great color but looks natural. For lipstick, I like Covergirl’s simply ageless in “Darling Mocha” or, for a bit more color, “special espresso” (despite the names, they are not brown, but more of a plum color). generally, plum and sheer berry colors are quite flattering and you don’t need to worry about warm or cool as with a red or orange or pink. I also like a berry or plum tinted lip oil (ELF has these).
I was going to suggest a lip oil!
I also like the NYX butter glosses. They aren’t super shiny.
also a fan of lip oils (I use Rare Beauty’s) and NYX butter glosses.
Look for shades that are billed as MLBB (my lips but better). These tend to be natural looking. Also pick the ones that go well with your skin tone (cool vs. warm). Korean products will classify which skin tone a lip color will work for when browsing on their websites. Or you can drop by a Sephora and ask the staff to help you pick a color.
I think the Clinique black honey almost lipstick is perfect here. Its like an upgrade to the burts bees tinted balms. Better texture, universally flattering
Instead of Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey, try Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream Lip Protectant Stick in Plum. The color is more natural and it has SPF (which your chapstick likely has and most lipstick does not).
Black Honey Almost Lipstick from Clinique is not going to give you a lot of color, but it will give you that moisturizing chapstick feel.
YOUR DAD!!!! OMG. My husband and I are considering buying a vacation home that we’d like to leave to our kids to use (it seems like an awesome family asset!) but we’d only do it if we could make it easy for them as there are 3 of them and I’d hate for it to be A Thing rather than A Benefit.
?
Obviously a nesting fail.
Sorry, this was for the family drama poster whose dad wanted to leave the vacation house to 3 siblings “so they could fight over it.”
Ha, that was my dad. He likes to pull weird power trips and especially hates (but is also proud of?) the fact that we simply don’t need the money. Would it be nice? Sure, but we have well paying jobs/money set aside for retirement, etc. I think he was just pissed that he can’t control me via the inheritance or use it to stir up drama.
Yes, we do have a frosty relationship, why do you ask? ;)
Are we sisters?
or it is not. DH’s parents have a family vacation home that i hope they sell before they die. i love going to it now, but his siblings probably wont be able to cover their share of taxes/maintenance and i don’t want it to be our responsibility/my in laws live driving distance from the house and go frequently whereas we’d only be able to go 1-2x a year.
When you meet an adult whether at a party or work or family event and find that they are interesting or fun to talk to, what did you talk about or what made them interesting? Or conversely when you get stuck in a conversation so boring that you want to run, what makes it so?
Interesting: they are passionate about the topic, they have interesting insights I hadn’t thought of, we have shared interests
Boring: sportsball is the only thing they can talk about
The worst is when they don’t ask any questions — just respond to questions but don’t reciprocate.
I’ve had interesting conversations about anything: travel, TV, kids, college hijinks, whatever. It’s not the topic; it’s not monologuing and actually listening to someone else.
I have been in social situations where the person was told to ask questions and I want to hide under the couch. Questions have to be organic or else I feel interrogated.
It’s cliche but I think interesting people are interested. They ask questions and genuinely seem engaged in the conversation. The older I get the more I realize it’s really that simple.
Boring: They talk about cycling, marathon running, golf, sportsball, the stock market, or podcasts.
Interesting: They make the conversation an equal exchange. Bonus but not necessary: They have something intelligent to say about music, theatre, literature, or some other interesting artistic or cultural topic without being a show-off.
Boring: they can’t participate in a conversation. They don’t understand reciprocity, give-and-take, the art of small talk, or have interests to discuss (or ask about). These things are skills you can choose to work on – they’re not granted by birth.
Interesting: person is talking about something they are passionate about, doean’t matter what. Bonus if it’s a shared interest.
Boring: superficial small talk.
Interesting: Various things all relating to authenticity. They like what they like, unabashedly. They talk about challenges and successes in equal measure. Their language is descriptive and has an appropriate level of detail.
Boring: Any of the following: they assume I have the same experiences and interests as they do; they don’t ask questions but just talk about themselves; their language is too simple and could have come from a chatbot.
I always appreciate speaking with someone who is able to ask reciprocal questions, picks up on social cues that indicate that the other person isn’t interested in the topic and can switch subjects gracefully, and has interest in a wide variety of topics. This is rare, but some people genuinely have a crazy amount of charisma – they are (or seem to be!) genuinely warm and interested in hearing about you.
I think most people are actually interesting. I’m maybe easily impressed but if you can tell me about any place I haven’t been or job I haven’t had I’m going to try to hear more about it. You’re going to have little fun facts and examples and anecdotes and I’ll probably be pretty charmed.
I think people who are trying to impress me are really boring. Some people steer the conversation towards explaining their own prestige. Look buddy. We can stipulate that you’re more worldly and richer and more important if that matters to you. But I’d please like to hear about growing up in Michigan or your job selling teapots or whether you like this Cabernet not all the weird social or class markers that you’re tossing at me.
Very interesting question!
Good conversation – on a topic person is authentically passionate about and can share enough at an appropriate level to bring me along (and recognizes through cues what level of knowledge I have of the topic); asks relevant questions; shares just enough personal info/vulnerabilities to make them relatable; rarely is this topic mean to third parties, about the conversant’s (office) work, or professional/college sports (unless a known shared interest).
Boring: not realizing the other party doesn’t have enough info to participate or understand; going into hyper technical detail off the bat rather than “funneling”, starting a story from the Reformation ( ie “well this all started when I was 12.. “.
Bad conversation – mansplains. Ignores others’ attempts to relate or to shift topic slightly to include others. Complaints or mean spirited gossip. Assumptions of shared prejudices.
People can be interesting and be someone who has done interesting things, but I am over listening to someone drone on about their interests while they show no interest in me. Conversation needs to flow both directions. That’s what makes a good conversation that I’ll walk away from and remember favorably.
Does anyone have a dupe for the Club Monaco Tailored Jogger? Basically: elastic, jogger-style waist, straight leg, nicer fabric that doesn’t scream sweatpants. I really wanted the CM one but it’s sold out in my size. Elastic waist is important because I’m in the early stages of pregnancy and need a little flexibility there (I plan on sizing up).
That sounds like something Lulu might have.
These look very similar to the Loft pintucked fluid taper pull on pants (which I and many others here love) but without the drawstring.
Oooh these look promising! Thanks
Banana Factory has some – they’re cargo joggers in a tencel type fabric that looks really nice.
Everlane Dream Pant. Have been wearing them up to third trimester.
Athleta Endless Pant – perfect for almost everything!
Aren’t the waist on these pretty structured? I’m not sure they are pregnancy-friendly.
I don’t find the waist structured – it is a very wide band of basically stretchy jersey. The rest of the pant is more woven/drapey, but the waist is very soft and very stretchy. I am an hourglass shape and actually end up having my tailor take these in at the waist.
Agree! These are my current favorites.
Have you tried Poshmark?
Anyone here ever take some time off work for non maternity-leave related reasons and successfully returned to your industry after? A side project, travel, just time off, anything.
I’m considering taking about 10 months off work to pursue a side passion project unrelated to my field, and would have to quit my job to do so (I’m not interested in taking a sabbatical or returning to my current employer when I’m done). I have ample funds ear marked to support myself during the time off so my only concern is getting back into the work force when I’m ready to do so. I’ve never had to job search without already being employed so not sure how difficult of a time I should expect. I have 7 years of good experience in my field and have had good success in past job searches, but obviously this would be a different ball of wax than switching jobs.
just make sure you have a good health insurance plan…but also it can take 10 months to find a job, so like if you plan on spending 24/7 for 10 months on this side gig, it could be hard to look for a job simultaneously
I haven’t done this but I do know of people who have. in one case she traveled the world for a year. She was an accounting type and seemed to get a job fairly quickly after. in the other, a mid-career lawyer quit and worked in a factory for about a year. She said she was just burnt out, wanted the mental break and physical challenge, and was just curious what it was like. She was also able to get a great job after, though I don’t know about her search process.
I’ve known lawyers that have taken a grown up gap year, especially coming out of big law. From what they’ve told me, it is almost viewed with respect that they were actually able to do it. Other folks that done gaps to run for office. If it’s a passion project, can you run it through an LLC so that you don’t have a resume gap?
I left for 15 months to go to grad school full time. I did not expect the job search to be as stressful, time consuming and soul-sucking as it was. I got a job lined up (start in a couple of weeks) that I’m moving across the country for, but jobs weren’t as easy to come by as I’d been led to believe.
My DH left mid career FT employment to do a master’s. He graduated in May and still hasn’t found a FT job. He’s had so many rounds of interviews and no offers. Some jobs have 5 or 6 rounds then don’t hire him…that’s basically an entire work day gone down the drain. Working PT makes it hard to schedule these interviews, too. I’ve never seen job search processes this involved until recently, and we’re both 40…
But congrats on your job! That’s huge!
I hope something comes through for him soon! The uncertainty of it all is crazy-making.
DH and I did! Context: We are in the same industry, same company, different roles, senior level, both outward facing and fairly well known in our regional niche industry. We did return to our original employer though.
We did the millennial dream of selling everything (house, tons of possessions) and moved from our upper midwest state to Florida to pursue passion careers. we told everyone it was permanent and didn’t have plans to come back (wasn’t deceptive; it felt permanent at the time). Fast forward one year later and we realized passion career/instagram coach style lives were not for us (and after a couple other winding weird turns) and that we missed our “boring” normal career building jobs, so we came back. I thought that I was going to get a lot of snark or weirdness but I was shocked at how warmly welcomed back we were. Our company was super welcoming (minus one person, but that’s a different story and resolved itself after a year) and in the industry, very welcoming and much less weird about it than I had anticipated. I had one conversation that stuck out at a slow trade show where I was chatting with people who are my direct competitors (like we bid against each other on the same projects) and I thought, “oh boy this is going to be weird…” and it was a very warm conversation about what we had did and “good for you that you did something different”.
We definitely had a door there to jobs that we knew we could walk back into and that was the thing that made it the easiest. I wonder if you could line something up? Do you have ideas of where you would like to work at the end of 10 months? I hire for positions, and I would entertain this from a potential new hire.