Suit of the Week: Ann Taylor

125 Comments

1. I have an unpleasant situation with my 15 yo niece – I’m trying to remember that she’s just a kid, and am just ignoring the situation but would love any advice you might have for handling this more graciously.

   My brother and I have always gotten along just fine, even if we’re not exactly close. Honestly, I’ve never particularly cared for his wife – we don’t have anything in common but my biggest issue with her is that I felt she was really unkind to my parents and ungrateful for a lot of the help they gave her and my brother – giving them a car, helping them buy a house, etc.

   Our mom passed away in March of 2022 after many years with dementia. It’s been really difficult for our dad – they had been married for over 60 years, and he cared for her through the very end. When he retired, I helped him pack up and clean out the house, at which time he gave me our mom’s wedding ring and some other jewelry, as she had a habit of hiding it and trying to throw it away. I didn’t know what to do with her ring, especially as she was still alive, so my thought was I’d hold on to it and at some point, if my nephew decided to get married, I might see if he wanted the ring. At the time, he was 14. I don’t really recall saying this out loud to anyone and it certainly wasn’t any kind of concrete plan. Important to note here is that our father is a retired minister and our mom was a school teacher – they never had a lot of money and her ring isn’t large or valuable or special in any way other than being extremely sentimentall, because I really miss my mom.

   Since our mom’s passing, my brother’s relationship with our dad, and by extension, me, has deteriorated significantly, mostly due to my SIL being really hostile to our dad. Demanding money from him, sending very hurtful emails and texts telling him what a terrible father he was and how she resents how he’d ruin the holidays by asking my brother to stay with our mom for a few hours (while my dad conducted church services, mind you), how her kids don’t want anything to do with him, etc. It’s weird, and messy, and my dad and I have both tried to just disengage from her.

   Two days after Christmas, my niece texts me at 6 AM to ask me when her brother is going to get my mom’s ring. “He’s 18, he’s in the military and he’s had a girlfriend for over a year now. You said you’d give it to him whenever he was ready to get married and he’s an adult now. So I’m just curious as to when he’s going to get Grandma’s wedding ring set.”

   I haven’t responded. I am … incredulous, and annoyed. It’s none of her business. My mom hasn’t been gone that long. My father is still very much grieving, and given the state of his relationship with my brother and his family, I don’t know that he’d even be okay with me giving the ring to my nephew now, even if I were still so inclined to do so! I thought it would be years – like 10, 15 years – until this might come up. Not a year and half. It’s Christmas, for pete’s sake! As I said, I’m trying to remember that she is a kid, and I don’t expect her to be sensitive to, or thinking of, the broader situation and timing. I’m annoyed that this will become a narrative in which I’m the villain, withholding some kind of inheritance from my nephew, but I guess there’s no real reason for me to care about that. Who will they tell? Who will care?

   Anyway. I haven’t responded and perhaps that’s the best response in this situation but would love any advice (or even criticism – I’m obviously very objective about this situation) … I’d like to try and do better.

   1. How old is the niece? That would very much color what I did (if I did anything). If she is 15, maybe nothing; if she is 30, maybe a different nothing. I am a big fan of nothing, because nothing often happens when you send a text on a busy day, especially a text that unleashes a world of thinking, etc. But, if your nephew is old enough to get married, and in the military, he should be mature enough to have a discussion directly with you and if he isn’t, IMO, that is sort of your answer of how important HE is treating pursuing discussing this.

      1. She says 15 in the first sentence.

      2. Agree with this advice. This is between you and your nephew, but your niece is very young. Can you call your niece? The texts from her sound aggressive, but a lot of tone can be lost in text and it’s easier to be mean when you’re not interacting with the other person. Consider asking her why she’s interested in the ring. Is it because she thinks her brother and his gf are serious? Has she been thinking about her grandmother? My grandmother died when I was 14 and I was given a piece of costume jewelry from her. It is worth about $0.25 but, at age 46, I still have it and think of my grandmother when I hold it. If you’re able to do something similar for your niece it would be a kind gesture. I’m sorry about your mother; it must have been tremendously difficult to her get sick, and then see the effects of her death on your family.

   2. Pot stirring little “b” takes after her mother. Do nothing and don’t respond. It doesn’t sound like you see that family in person, and if you do and are “confronted” about it (these type of people think “confronting” someone is how you ask a delicate question) you can say you would be happy to discuss that with nephew one-on-one if he’s ever engaged.

      1. +1 I’m with you. this sounds like a ball of inheritance drama and now the niece is playing ball too.

         and maybe nasty and stereotypical of me…but also a big LOL that I would give a sentimental ring of my mother’s to an 18-yo military kid with a 1-year girlfriend, given those statistics.

      2. Not the OP but a plea of compassion for a 15 year old girl who is probably hearing and accepting only one side of the story. At least, I don’t think it’s fair to call her a b*

         1. Yeah, same. I grew up in a family with lots of drama. This post reminded me of what it’s like to get a one-sided narrative from a family member that you care deeply about (here, her mother) and naturally wish to side with. She’s just a child and she doesn’t know any better. (That’s not to say that I would approach this the same way if she were older).

   3. Well you obviously said it out loud to someone because your niece remembers it. I don’t think it’s a crime to change your mind about what you want to do, but I also don’t think it’s horrible that your niece asked for it for her brother.

      1. Uh, yeah, everything about the way she did it was horrible.

   4. Oof, this is rough. First of all, I just want to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with this as it sounds really tough. If your niece was an adult, I would probably just not respond, but since she is a kid, I think I would reply and say something like, “Hi Niece, it’s thoughtful of you to think about your brother, but it’s probably best that he reach out to me directly if he wants to talk about this. Love you and hope you had a good Christmas.” If she responds similarly to her first message, I would just not respond. You might ask your dad if he ever said anything to this effect to nephew/brother (if it wouldn’t upset him)? It just seems odd that the niece brought it up out of no where and that might help provide some context. If this escalates and your brother and/or the nephew do reach out, I would maybe say something like, “I know we all miss grandma/mom and her ring is very sentimental, but since grandpa/dad gave it to me, I would like to hold on to it for now. I will let you know if that changes.”

      1. Yeah this sounds like a good way to handle it – reply genially once, and then ignore if bad behavior continues.
         I assume that your SIL isn’t exactly painting you and your dad in the best of light. I hope your niece eventually comes to see through it.

   5. Wait, what? Your dad gave you the ring. As the only daughter you are the child with the most valid claim. Shut it down and tell everyone you are keeping mom’s ring because it has sentimental value to you.

      1. But it sounds like she did mention her plans to the nephew – I’m not sure if this creates some liability here. A good lesson not to disclose these kinds of thoughts until the gift is imminent.

         1. FFS, mentioning an idea does not make it a legally binding contract. What liability could this possibly involve?

   6. I’m so sorry, this sounds hard. I agree that I might just ignore it for now and see what happens. Do the brother and his girlfriend even want the ring? You’re definitely not obligated to give it if they do, but I think there’s a decent chance that it might not even be a real issue, at least not yet. In a few more years, you might have a different relationship with the kids and grief over your mom might not be quite so fresh and it will be easier to handle. If they do push it, it sounds like there’s not much to lose if you just say no.

   7. Your niblings are not part of whatever drama you have with SIL, so you have to put those feelings aside. Would your mom want her family to fight over her wedding ring? I think the answer is no. So you can respond to niece, “He is welcome to it if he asks and if his gf likes it.”

      1. Noooooo. OP said it has sentimental value to her and it is her mother’s ring. Her claim to it is valid as a direct descendant, plus it was given to her. Any claim of the nieces and nephews is not. Good lord I cannot imagine demanding something of a deceased aunt’s child. As for how the deceased mother would view, well that depends. Even mothers who are anti drama may not want this child to be a doormat to demanding relatives. If she just hands over the ring because some entitled person demands it she might as well lay down and be a doormat for real.

      2. Oh heck no!

   8. I would personally ignore this from her. I would feel differently if it were from your brother or even your nephew.

      I will share my inheritance drama so you know you’re not alone and so you can learn from me if necessary :) My brother and father were estranged after my mother’s death. Three years later, my father died and left everything to me and one other family member in the will, cutting out my brother. It was not a large estate at all. My brother was hurt by the whole thing, and I even gave him half of what I inherited to try to smooth things over. Guess what— he was never really mad at me in his heart. He was mad at our father, and I was the person he felt he could lash out at. My giving him half of my share didn’t help the situation at all. He still refuses to talk to me and has badmouthed me to the rest of the family. His daughter called me up and chewed me out over the whole thing and I just didn’t respond and have not spoken to her since. His son and I are still close. In the end, I learned that these kinds of issues are just deep seated and thorny and make no logical sense.

      Whatever your niece is saying is probably just coming from your brother, so saying anything to her isn’t really going to make the situation better. If your brother says something, I’d address it with him only at that point.

      1. I reread a bit. Whatever your niece is saying is probably coming from your brother OR your SIL. I also personally wouldn’t engage with the SIL beyond something like suggested above “The whole thing is fresh and I’m going to hang onto it for now since it was given to me.”

      2. Oof. And you are right. At this point, I’d be wondering if the niece is parroting what she has heard from her dad and the brother has nothing to do with it. Especially if you have a neutral relationship with the nephew. His GF may have her own style ideas and if you’ve never met her, she likely has no idea about any of this. A contention family piece is a big burden to put on a teen girl — she can’t hate a family engagement piece and can’t say no, especially after there has been tension and drama in getting it. If nephew reaches out, I’d open the door to meeting him and GF and maybe give him permission to obliquely ask if GF would even like this piece — you don’t want it pawned or sold so that she can get something she wants that comes free of drama.

      3. I have a sister who I’m no longer close to, and that was all triggered by our mother’s death. She’s mad at me over things. There wasn’t money to speak of, but what was left was divided equally between the siblings. But there was a house very full of mom’s and family stuff – my mom was a borderline hoarder – and I wanted very little of it. Sister continues to be mad at me over what I didn’t take. I believe she feels burdened by the volume of it, but is also unwilling to trash or donate it, which I was totally game for dealing with – I had Got Junk type services lined up. But no, she kept it all, it’s too much, and that is my fault apparently. It’s so incredibly stupid to me, but here we are.

   9. It sounds, honestly, like she’s trying to start a fight, either on behalf of your SIL or as a result of your SIL bad-mouthing you.

      If it were me, I would absolutely not give the ring to the nephew. It doesn’t sound like you’ve made any commitment to do so, and your father gave it to you. It doesn’t sound like your nephew or niece have anywhere near the closeness to your mother that you did, and it seems very sad that they are using it as a token to create conflict, rather than a deeply sentimental inheritance (the way you are).

      I would respond with the following: “Hi Jessica, it’s lovely to hear from you. I hope you and the family are having a wonderful new year. I appreciate you reaching out – I know we’re all still grieving Mom/Grandma. I think there has been some miscommunication about this ring – it was left to me by Grandpa, and I didn’t make any commitment to give it away. I’m sorry for any confusion that anyone had around this. Sending you lots of love.”

      Then don’t engage in further dialogue. It sounds like SIL is a very difficult person – and is modeling problematic behaviors for her daughter.

   10. I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. No response is the right response. You’re grieving, so give yourself time and space to do that.

       And regardless what you said or didn’t say, you don’t owe this ring to anyone. For now, there is nothing to do. Don’t say anything or do anything at all but let yourself and your dad grieve. There may be a narrative in which you’re the villain, but maybe not. If you’re seeing how the SIL is selfish and unkind, others probably see it, too.

       1. I agree with this. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not obligated to give the ring to your nephew, even if you said you were considering it in the past! It was a scenario that you considered but things change and you are entitled to keep the ring as a keepsake to remember your mom. I would say nothing for now but remember you don’t owe them anything. If people want to talk, just rise above it. I am sure the people who matter the most to you will understand.

   11. You tell her to MYOB and that this is between you and your father.

       “The use of your grandmother’s ring is between me and your grandfather. Potentially, we may add your brother into the mix. None of this is your business.”

       1. This language would be seen as being very direct and even rude

          But it is exactly as direct as Niece was with you so it’s a teaching moment too

   12. My advice to you is to not respond right now, but to start getting your head around giving the ring set to your nephew at some point soonish. If you thought it wouldn’t happen until he was 28 – 33 years old, that went out the window when he joined the military. It’s really common to get married very young for the benefits in the military.

       I’m really sorry for your loss.

       1. And almost equally as common to get divorced… if the nephew uses the ring OP needs to accept that if he gets divorced (which, many 18 year old military marriages do end in divorce), the ring might be gone forever.

          1. I totally agree. But saying “this may not be your permanent wife so you can’t have the ring” isn’t really in the spirit of the thing.

             1. That’s why you say “Sorry, it has sentimental value to me so I’m going to keep it since Dad gave it to me.”

             2. Look, if the entire family thinks OP or Grandpa said when nephew gets married, he gets the rings. There is no way OP doesn’t become the villain in this story. I get why the ring is sentimental to her, but this is how rings are passed down in families. I have a similar ring in mine, and that’s how it’s going (first marriage is on the immediate horizon.) There are instructions that in case of breakup, it needs to stay in the blood family, which is also a common thing, but that is just how it goes.

                OP there’s a lesson here in how objects are not the person. It’s so sad when you lose someone that you loved, it’s natural to want to hold on to a piece of them, but their things are just not a piece of them. They live on through children and grandchildren – in this case your nephew and niece, and any children they may have.

                Hugs to you, OP. I miss my mom too. But her things are not her.

             3. I didn’t read this as anyone saying that it should definitely go to nephew at any time or that mom or dad had that intention. There’s a big difference between the whole family deciding something like that and a person (who was btw also dealing with her mom’s dementia…) saying, “Oh maybe it would be nice someday if this ring was used in a wedding”

             4. 4:42, actually I would assume that the daughter or granddaughter would have a stronger claim to the ring than a male descendant. In one branch of my extended family the family ring passes from mother to daughter. The prospective finance asks the mother for the ring when he wants to propose to the daughter.

             5. @4:56 I had my ex husband’s grandmother’s ring. She happened to pass away about 3 months before he proposed to me, and his mom & dad sort of figured it was coming. He has an older brother and a younger sister, but he was most conveniently aged for when the ring became available. There was no discussion of his younger sister being first in line for it, as far as I’m aware. She is about 3 years younger, like OP’s example of nephew and niece.

                Naturally I gave the ring back when we broke up. I never had any ideas about keeping it! Like the rings OP describes, it wasn’t commercially valuable. Just sentimentally. These thoughts can be passed along to the recipient of the ring along with congratulations on the engagement, which is how it worked for me. I was zero percent offended by that at the time.

       2. That is helpful perspective about getting married young in the military – I wasn’t aware of that. Thank you.

   13. ” Hi, Hope you are well. Distribution of my belongings, including things I have inherited, are addressed in my will. Happy to meet up any time if you’d like to chat about school or hear stories about Grandma. Hard to believe it’s almost two years since she passed. Glad we still have Grandad with us.”

   14. a gender roles rant for a moment. The fact that YOUR MOM’s ring – and you are the only daughter – should go to a random 18 year old that your nephew whose brain isn’t even fully developed chose as a mere child is absolutely insane. Like literally the stupidest freaking thing I have ever heard.

       Please keep this ring for yourself.
       Ignore your niece’s message.

   15. On a different note, I would be hesitant to give a family heirloom to an 18 yo’s fiance, especially and 18yo in the military planning to marry at his first chance.

       1. And if I were the fiancee, I would resent being saddled with a family ring. I’d rather have no ring.

   16. My first and admittedly uncharitable thought is Niece is hoping that you “giving him the ring” will involve giving it to SIL for Nephew, and either Niece or her mother will keep the ring for their own reasons.

       The text sounds exactly like the kind of thing a 15-year-old would think is super clever and sneaky, and missing all of the obvious questions, like “But Nephew isn’t even engaged?” and “why are you asking me instead of Nephew”?

       I would be tempted to text back and copy Nephew into the text chat, saying “Nephew! I didn’t realize you were engaged, Niece spilled the beans but don’t be mad about her sharing good news!” and letting the awkward happen, but maybe just ignore her.

       1. Or Niece is excited about the idea of a wedding and thinks that if Nephew gets his hands on a ring he will be motivated to propose right away.

   17. Thank you all for the perspective – it’s all very helpful.

       I didn’t mention this (because it was already novel length) but I’m already very wary of my niece – she flat out lied to my brother that my dad didn’t want me to take my mother’s music box and I did anyway. He called to ask me about it, I said that wasn’t true but I’d absolutely talk to Dad to make sure. My dad was like, “What? That’s crazy. Of course I want you to have it.” There was no conversation that she could have overheard and misconstrued, she just made it up. (Commentor – yes, a pot stirrer like her mother.)

       If my brother or my nephew had reached out, it would be a totally different situation.

       I think I may respond to her using some of the wording suggested here and ultimately, if my nephew does want to propose, offer to give him money instead so he and his fiancée can choose something they love. Honestly, that was sort of the reasoning – that he may not have a lot of money to spend and giving him the ring would be more of a financial gift than a sentimental/family thing.

       Thank you all so much.

       1. offering the nephew money to buy his own ring is the classy way to go. “This ring has sentimental value to me, but I will contribute $X for you to pick out your own for Barbara.” I’m not sure it would avoid future pettiness, but if you had the ring valued for resale purposes at a jeweler or pawn shop, you could give them that amount. Modest wedding sets don’t have high resale value, so maybe it would help to get a neutral opinion and set a ballpark so SIL and niece don’t expect you to pony up for Tiffany.

       2. I think you should ignore her and refuse to engage with anybody about the ring. I think if you offer them money you’re only going to open Pandora’s box.

          1. I wouldn’t do that either, for fear of raising expectations with this branch of the family, who sound horrible. They can get get bargains at the base PX.

          2. Agree, especially given how SIL had bullied the grandfather over money (outrageous). If nephew gets $ instead of a ring, when will niece be demanding her check? OP im so sorry but why do you want these people in your life at all? You have permission to drop this rope.

       3. That compromise of giving your nephew $$ is actually really lovely.

          1. It’s just going to result in them demanding a higher value and then once she caved in higher value, demanding same amount be given to nephew and niece.

       4. Advice as someone going through litigation thanks to similar shit stirrers (and no there wasn’t a lot of money involved) — document everything. I had an unknown instinct to document some things but I definitely should have kept more records. Best case scenario: you never need it.

       5. I am sorry you are going through this. I’ve been in a similar situation and it just sucks.

          The idea of offering money to buy a ring is a really good idea. One of the first thoughts I had when reading the original post was whether they would even want the ring.

       6. Don’t offer money. Pandora’s box.

   18. I’d text back and say, “please ask your brother to get in touch with me so we can talk about the rings.” This just sounds like pot-stirring by the 15yo and possibly her mom. If he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to put on his big boy pants and call you about what to do.

   19. She is responding to her mother, but if you want to respond, I would simply say it was a gift and is yours. Or, that it belongs to your father. And if none of the above, simply say it’s inappropriate to ask. She’s 15 and can be given a boundary about asking for other people’s things.

   20. Why does the nephew get the ring anyway….? Can’t you keep this memento of your mother as the only daughter? Either way, I would just not reply.

       1. Agree. When my grandmother died, she left three rings to my aunt. Many years later, my aunt gave me one of those rings. When my aunt died, she left me the other two rings. As an adult I never in a million years would have asked my aunt to give me any of those rings. As a 15-year-old with an undeveloped brain, I might have. I might not have realized how inappropriate that would have been. I think probably my dad would have been the one to kindly explain to me that I shouldn’t have asked that. Now, I love having these mementos of my grandmother and they’ve also become mementos of my aunt. In OP’s case I think the niece is hoping she will be given the ring.

2. We’re replacing the carpet throughout most of our house soon. It is long overdue and I’m pretty darn excited. I’m thinking this might be a good time to do other small updates that give it that new house feeling. Nobody will notice except me, but I’m planning to touch up the paint in a few areas and clean the baseboards. Any other ideas for freshening things up?

   1. add more cushioning under the carpet maybe? also new accent pillows maybe

      1. +1 Or soundproofing under the carpet! Which can make such a difference in how comfortable the house is.

         OP, I would consider updating the hardware on your doors and the faucets and knobs in your bathrooms if you are “meh” about them. Super cheap and easy and can really make an impact.

      2. extra cushioning is well worth it. Can feel so luxurious, especially when stepping out of bed in the morning.

      3. Replacing the carpet always includes replacing the padding, but I definitely recommend springing for the premium padding. In addition to making the carpet nicer to walk on, it makes it last longer.

         1. Oh yeah, we sprung for the good stuff!

   2. Change all the switches/outlets/outlet covers.

      1. Yes! My mom did this recently and it’s wild how much of a difference it makes.

   3. We changed out all of our interior doorknobs and it has made the house look and feel more modern.

   4. Paint your walls! Perfect time to do it when it doesn’t matter if paint drips on the floor! If the walls have been painted recently, consider repainting door trims, baseboard in heavy traffic areas, which get grimy way before wall color needs updating.

   5. Repainting the walls is super easy when all the furniture has been taken out of the room.

   6. Changing/upgrading baseboards.

   7. I washed every bit of painted trim in my old house by hand using a sponge and a weak mixture of a few drops of Dawn detergent and a quarter cup of vinegar in a big bucket. People thought I had repainted – it looked that fresh and new.

      1. Wow – interesting. Thanks for sharing.

   8. Have your windows professionally cleaned. I had no idea just how filthy my windows were until I got them cleaned. Brightened up the whole house.

3. For those of you with a dining room, walk me though your use of pattern / color because I feel that I’m about to make a hot mess hotter.

   For us:
   wood table
   wood chairs that upholstered in a warm / muddy banded and patterned fabric (secondhand purchase; could recover)
   seagrass rug that is worn and needs to be replaced (warm)
   room is painted SW Pale Oak; faces NW, blinding afternoon light in summer for 30 minutes as the sun sinks below the trees and before it goes below a house across the street
   Two large paintings on the walls (red / pink / dark green colors in them)
   I like a tablecloth (yet another pattern) or place mats (same) to protect the mahogany and b/c my kids did art / homeschool over pandemic in there

   How do I get a new rug (thinking: wool, some sort of muted pattern but not floral) and pick new seat upholstery to not fight each other or any placemats / table cloth? Dishes are white b/c I can’t deal with more visual nose, especially alternating between muddy/warm and cool/clear tones. Do I need to have my room’s colors done or is there an Emily Henderson post on this? Or is the answer to dim the lights?

   1. I wouldn’t care about any of the rest of this, but can’t stand blinding light, so I’d get some kind of window treatment to eliminate that if you’re regularly in the room at that time of day. Glare makes me ragey.

      1. There are shutters on the windows, so if we shut them, that solves the problem. Shiny white paint on them.

         I guess:
         start with rug
         then go quiet on chair fabric (but I’m a person who is helped by specifics and not theories here)

         Is this what a decorator does?

         1. Sheer curtains instead of shutters, hung ceiling to floor. It’ll help to reduce glare– the sheer fabric diffuses the light, which is far more pleasing to the eyes, and can potentially cast some interesting shadows in the room.

      2. Yes to reducing glare! I get migraines and I’m not sure they’re triggered by bright light, but they’re definitely made worse by it.

   2. Pick colors for the rug and tablecloth/placemats from the paintings. Either the rug or tablecloth/placemats should read as a solid.

      Or if you like all the patterns, mix on large pattern and one small scale pattern. Again, draw your colors from the paintings.

   3. pull colors from the art. recover the chairs, maybe in a green, I love green with wood. maybe a pink or red in the placemats, I’d probably go for a monochrome textural pattern rather than multiple colors, but would depend on what I find. Placemats can also be switched out for different feelings. I’d also go for a big, soft pattern for the rug, maybe fairly neutral stripes or something of that sort. All this also depends on the type/tone of wood though.

   4. We have a deep red-based persian style rug under the table. I waited until my kids weren’t spill prone toddlers, but we’ve now had the rug for years and it’s fine.

      I don’t have any paintings in there but there’s a plant on the top of a built in china cabinet and one in front of the window to the side, and there are a few pieces of my grandmother’s china displayed on the plate railing (old house!) near the doorway between the kitchen and dining room. That seems to be enough color and pattern for me. Honestly it would be enough without the china, but it’s extremely sentimental. She managed to keep these few pieces all the way from being raised on the reservation and into her adult and elderly life. It’s amazing they survived!

      1. Adding: no chair cushions. We do have some solid color place mats that I picked from a color in the rug – currently blue because I get sick of red by January. Around the holidays we have a table runner (plaid) nut nothing now. I don’t like tablecloths. The table I grew up with had a big burn mark in it, so my mom kept an oilcloth tablecloth on the table, and I think that imprinted on me to become a Never Tablecloth person.

         I do think plants add a lot of color and texture, and think they look pretty in my dining room that has a lot of dark wood on the walls – wainscoting, plate rail, picture rail etc – in addition to the dark wood table and chairs plus the dark tiled fireplace and hearth.

   5. I wouldn’t look at Emily Henderson if you are looking to reduce visual clutter. Her latest house project and all the other rooms on her blog lately are all horribly loud and garish and full of stuff.

      I’d let the paintings serve as the only color accent in the room and make everything else neutral, adding mostly light tones to create contrast with the dark wood furniture. Maybe cream walls, a light neutral patterned rug without much contrast, and either a low-contrast light pattern (like wide white and cream stripes) or a dark brown or black leather or textured fabric for the chair seats. Choose warm-tinged or cool-tinged neutrals based on what works with the wood. Plain dark brown or black frames for the paintings. I would get a glass top for the table so you don’t have to keep a tablecloth on it all the time. If you need a tablecloth to hide damage, use a plain white or cream one with a table pad underneath to prevent further damage. If you can afford to, add interior shutters to deal with the blinding light in a way that is easily adjustable and looks streamlined. Make sure they cover the whole window because the bottom-half-only-shutters look is very dated. Also think about changing the light fixture if it’s dated–that will make a huge difference.

   6. A muted, old style Kilim Afghan rug would be nice with the woods, light, and art work.
      The pattern will make it stain tolerant.

      1. As will the fact that it’s densely woven wool. Practically liquid repellant.

   7. I think you might find Maria Killam more helpful than Emily Henderson for this particular room. Maria has a great shortcut for coming up with a color palette for a room by looking at the fixed elements (flooring, tile, large furniture that’s not going away), and then picking a print or piece of art as an inspiration that will help you coordinate all other colors. So in your case you could pick a rug and then figure out upholstery etc from there. She also has older posts on her blog about the problems of mixing muddy and clear colors, and how to troubleshoot/design around it.

      Good luck, and hope you have fun with the redesign!

4. My last grandparent passed away recently. All of her assets go into trust for the benefit of her great-grandchildren. The great-grandchildren get their portion of the trust upon reaching a certain age (not far off for 2 of 4). I am the trustee. I need someone to help me figure out how to do the distribution and get all the tax forms right. Who is this person? Is it a trust and estates lawyer? A trust advisor? An accountant? How do I find that person. I want to be responsible about costs. Trust is a little over a million dollars. I know this isn’t huge money for a lot of folks on this board, but it’s significant for the beneficiaries.

   1. It’s an estate lawyer.

      1. My estate lawyer doesn’t handle taxes.

         1. Yes, she will also need an accountant.

            1. The lawyer will probably have recommendations for an accountant who is good with trusts.

   2. You’ll want an estate lawyer and accountant. The lawyer can walk you through your obligations and responsibilities, the accountant can handle the tax forms. Is the attorney who drafted the trust still around, or someone at their office? If you’re in a different state than your grandparent you may need to start looking in their state first. The estate attorney should then be able to refer you to a tax person.

      1. Thank you!

      2. I was coming here to suggest starting with the lawyer who drafted the trust, or their firm if they’ve retired.

      3. +1

         This is the way.

      4. Agreed! (Source: am a T&E lawyer)

5. Help. I need a very easy to make, preferably can prep the night before, vegan and gluten free soup recipe. I would like to put it in a crockpot. It will be served for lunch. I live in a very rural community. (Trust me, no catering options.) I will be making a trip to a town that has Target and Costco and Whole Foods the night before the event. I assume I could find everything there. I’d highly prefer not having to substitute things, I want to hit print/screenshot and shop. A conversation earlier on this board told me that beans are maybe a bad idea. Any tried-and-true recipes?

   1. Cookie and Kate’s curried butternut squash soup, but replace the squash with frozen diced sweet potatoes and add a can of rinsed and drained white beans before you puree and add more salt to taste. The recipe serves about 4, maybe 5 or 6 if it’s not the main dish, so you will need to scale up depending on the size of your gathering. Make it on the stove the night before and then reheat/keep warm in the crockpot.

   2. Make this the night before and reheat in the crock pot. I’ve made it many times and it’s scarfed up by vegans and non-vegans alike. If there are “I gotta have meat” type people in attendance, you can include some shredded chicken to the side for them to add to their bowl, but it’s really not needed. I keep a giant jar of ginger-garlic paste in the fridge at all times, which saves me a fair bit of chopping and shredding – it works just fine instead of fresh ginger and garlic in this recipe. If your supermarket doesn’t have kale, spinach works well, too, it just doesn’t need as long to cook.
      https://www.seriouseats.com/west-african-inspired-vegan-peanut-sweet-potato-soup-recipe

      1. If you’re not going to do beans, you at least want some source of protein, so I was also going to suggest a peanut soup (though it’s obviously no good for people with nut allergies). I loosely follow this recipe, using green peppers or spinach instead of kale: https://pinchofyum.com/sweet-potato-peanut-soup.

   3. Curried butternut squash coconut soup is my go to vegan soup recipe: lots of variations out there, but I basically:
      Saute onions and garlic.
      Add tablespoon of curry powder or red curry paste, saute til fragrant.
      Add cubed Butternut squash and veggie stock.
      Simmer until squash is tender.
      Puree. Salt and pepper to taste
      Add a can of coconut milk, stir until warmed through.
      (i also make this soup with potato or cauliflower)
      If I want protein, I throw in a can of chickpeas.
      Sprinkle pepitas on top for garnish and crunch.

   4. This red lentil soup is delicious and a bit unusual, I have made it for dinner parties and it has been a hit. It is pretty fast to make; it’s not written for cooking in a crockpot, but you certainly could make it on the stovetop and then transport and serve it in crockpot to keep it hot.

      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1016062-red-lentil-soup

      1. So funny, I’m just about to make that soup myself!

   5. French Lentil Soup from Veganomicon. Everybody loves this and lentils are often gentler on the stomach. Don’t use brown lentils. For a slow cooker, where it gets to the add the lentils part is where you put it in the slow cooker.

      https://www.myrecipebook.com/print.html?user=lastwonkabar&id=25&size=3×5

   6. Why are beans a bad idea? My first thought is always lentil soup or black bean soup.

      1. Some people think you can create toxins by cooking dry beans in a slow cooker, I think if the beans are not actually boiling. My slow cooker boiled, so I didn’t worry about this. You could also start with canned beans.

         1. Oh, no I don’t cook dried beans start to finish in a crock pot. Good point. I thought OP was going to serve already cooked soup in a crockpot to keep it warm.

            I do, however, cook dried beans in the Instant Pot. It’s just about the only thing that giant appliance is good for, IMO.

   7. I like potato leek soup – hearty, delicious. The one I make isn’t vegan but it easily could be, like this:

      https://veganhuggs.com/creamy-vegan-potato-leek-soup/

6. What’s everyone watching lately? We just binged Barry and are loving it. 6 more episodes to go…

   1. I just got Netflix for the first time in years, so my recs are Netflix heavy, but I recently watched and loved The Crown, Never Have I Ever, and The Chair.

      A lot of the Oscar contender movies are on streaming now if you haven’t already seen them. DH & I both really enjoyed The Holdovers, which is on Peacock.

      1. Ugh, the Holdovers was so cliche and Oscar baity. Couldn’t even finish it.

   2. Shrinking
      Foundation (season 2 is better than season 1)
      Fisk
      Final season of The Crown out of obligation but it was so boring and disappointing, especially in contrast with seasons 1 and 2

      1. Loved Fisk. Watched all of Kath & Kim during the holidays (my in-laws are like the Orange County version of Ken & Kath) but it got taken off of Netflix.

      2. Ooooh, totally agree with Shrinking! Never Have I Ever is cute, too.

   3. Saltburn, with Dirty Rotten Scoundrels as a palate-cleanser.

   4. We are binging on all the British (and some European) detective shows on PBS, Britbox, and Acorn. Some that we have loved lately are Unforgotten, Grace, The Chelsea Detective, Paris Murders, Dalgleish, McDonald & Dodds, London Kill, and of course the Morse/Lewis/Endeavor series.

      1. Have you seen Vigil? The plot leaves something to be desired, but you really can’t beat the premise of a claustrophobic Irish lady detective on a submarine.

         1. YES! Loved it!

   5. Have really liked Slow Horses (both seasons). The Bear (especially season 2) is great, too.

      1. Enthusiastically agree with both of these!

   6. We were late to it, but I just finished The Bear and I loved it!

   7. We are alternating betewen episodes of season 2 of The Afterparty on Apple TV (each episode is in a different style – rom-com, film noir, action – and it’s a hoot; three of the characters from Season 1 are in it but you don’t need to have watched the first season to follow things in the second one) and Poker Face on Paramount with Natasha Lyonne.

   8. I’m still behind, as I only subscribe to one channel at a time… But I just saw Beef and The Crown – So different, but good. Before that I really liked Baskets (very dry humor, so touching at times). Also really liked The Bear.

   9. We only have Disney+ and are waiting on the new Doctor Who series.

   10. We enjoyed Murder at the End of the World on Amazon. We also caught up on Gilded Age and Upload, and are looking forward to starting the second season of the Bear.

   11. Kleo — a dark comedy/spy thriller set in the aftermath of East Germany’s collapse.

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