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When it comes to work-from-home apparel, my only rule is that I have to have a blazer within arm's reach for last-minute video calls. Through the filter of a computer screen, even a workout tank top can look presentable when covered with a blazer. It’s the at-home equivalent of my back-of-the-chair office cardigan.
This blazer is perfect because the gray herringbone is neutral enough to go with just about anything, and the relaxed, slouchy fit goes well with just about any top.
The blazer is $109.95 full price and available in sizes 14–28. With promo code SALE2020, you can get 40% off, bringing the price down to $65. Relaxed Herringbone Blazer
Madewell has an option in straight sizes that is currently on sale for $100 at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Hot Chocolate
Hi — I was catching up here and saw someone asking about decadent hot chocolate. I, too, loved the Starbucks drinking chocolate back in the day. I fell for a Facebook ad on Black Friday for the Hotel Chocolat Velvetiser: https://us.hotelchocolat.com/velvetiser.list
I am pretty against unitaskers in the kitchen, but it is going to be a loooong winter, so whatever. We spend a lot of time outside in the winter and love to warm up with a cup. It just showed up and I am in love! The texture of the hot chocolate is really smooth and silky and it is just the right temperature to drink out of the pot. I understand you can use your own high quality chocolate, which I might try when the sachets I have run out. Anyway, it is the little things which bring us joy this year, right?
Ribena
I have a Lavazza milk heater & frother which I use to do the same thing.
LaurenB
That was me and that looks phenomenal. Thank you!
Anonymous
Help me, dog owners. My dog is generally pretty chill. She gets lots of walks and snoozes most of the day while I’m working from home. But as soon as I am done with work for the day and plop myself down on the couch, she goes on high alert, barking at every single noise and generally driving me crazy. I guess she can tell I’m relaxing and thinks it’s her turn to guard the property? Thoughts on how to train her out of this?
mascot
Our dog (10 months) does the same. I guess it’s better than her being loud during the work day? She usually just wants some attention and activity so we try to play fetch or let her get her zoomies out. If you need indoor activities, how about a bully stick or a frozen kong? Over time, she might associate that with ok, time to chill out for the night.
Is dog daycare an option? We send ours twice a week and she’s so tired on those nights she can barely move.
Another anonymous judge
Ah, the witching hour! You’re not going to like hearing this but it is the perfect time to do some training to focus on the behaviours you DO want her to exhibit, rather than those she IS exhibiting to get your attention. Not great when YOU are just ready to relax, I know!
So, some training games (speak/shh, over/under, a new trick) or another walk are great at this time. Failing that, maybe a food-based puzzle or a stuffed kong or bully stick to distract her? However, the second approach is a bit of a missed opportunity. I promise she’s worth the investment of time and you will be glad of it yourself. I agree doggie daycare will leave her wiped out but you might be able to turn the situation to your long-term advantage!
Enjoy your doggie!
Anonymous
+1. I would train the “quiet” command. Easier said than done, though. I am too exhausted to work on “quiet” and have just given in to more walks to tire my dog out so she doesn’t have the energy to bark in the afternoons.
Anonymous
My dog was he same when I started wfh. I now keep a pocket of dog cookies for this. We play catch the cookie and he completely chills. Probably not what a dog trainer would suggest but it is all I can manage after work and it gets the behavior I want.
Pompom
What kind of pup is she? I have an old girl who despite years of training and all that good stuff is just a little chatty. She’s a terrier. Her primordial instinct is to be “on” and alert us to “danger” (you know, people who exist outside…eyeroll). A lot of time and energy and consistency to get her to understand that she’s “off duty” with us and that she can rest just can’t overcome her instinct.
Tiring her out and blocking some views (sidelight on front door, for example) are what works in addition.
Obviously, your pup may vary.
Anonymous
Mine exists to protect us from killer bunnies. And those super dangerous hummingbirds.
anon
My dog does this too. She snoozes in front of the fireplace in my office all day while I’m working, and when I sit down on the couch at night, she goes into full energy mode. She has a collection on bones that she meticulously arranges and rearranges, and then she picks one and runs around the house looking for a place to hide it. It’s like her instinctual lizard brain goes into overdrive. She even whines and cries as she’s running around. I try to take her for a long evening walk but she doesn’t really get tired out (despite being a senior). I think I just have to accept that the evening is her active time.
Emma
Yeah, my puppy needs a walk at the end of WFH and then he chills. Otherwise it’s full-on witching hour. Sometimes I’m exhausted and it’s cold and I don’t feel like it, but usually I really appreciate the change of pace at the end of the day.
Zoomies Hour
A few ways to help them self-soothe:
– LickiMat – These are awesome! I put almond/PB on it or Siggi’s/yogurt (lower cal option) and freeze them; the texture is a little nicer for them than a Kong, but same concept.
– Marrow bones – Great for their teeth and soothing when they lick out the marrow.
– Talk to them when they are on alert — when our girl freak about the neighbors walking by our yard (this is new b/c we’ve never lived here during winter when the trees thin out), I call her over, give her high-value treats for coming to me (dehydrated sweet potatoes) and tell her to sit/otherwise work with her and remind her that it’s just the neighbors/we’re good and show her that I’m not scared, so she shouldn’t be.
– Let her run it out. Sometimes running out the zoomies is just what they need.
Ellen
Elizabeth, I love the gray herringbone blazer you pictured but I also have the Madewell gray herringbone blazer which I just got @ Nordstrom’s b/c it has PATCH pockets, which are a bit more causal then this one. Also, I think Nordstrom has taken a beating b/c of the pandemic and loosing their CEO this year, who died (I don’t think of COVID). But either one will make a hivette alot more presentable and that is what is important these days of the pandemic.
I can’t believe people are saying they wont take the vaccine. I think they are full of it, b/c the alternative is so much worse. I bet that when the vaccine becomes available to them, they will be pushing and shoving on line to get it! They are pretending they don’t trust the CDC, but it is all phony. I know I will be on line for the vaccine so you can show this p’ost to other hivettes to ensure they know that I believe in Science, and this is Science. If the US politicaly influenced schmoes in DC had not been so silly and macho, we would have alot less people dying now.
Personally, I am now on a lockdown where I only go out for essentials, meaning only to Fairways, Whole Foods and CVS. I am also perfecting my cooking so that when I can go out to see Mom & Dad and Grandma Trudy, I will be able to cook THEM a meal, and it will be yummy!
Help out west
My brother is taking up skiing as a new covid friendly sport. He’s going to be in big sky and steamboat this winter (disclaimer: doing appropriate quarantines etc, he lives alone in an RV and is fully remote for work, etc. etc.)
Any recommendations on good activity type gifts I could get him related to these two locations? Are there places to do snowmobiling/other activities or good outdoor apres ski restaurants (he won’t eat inside so it has to be outdoors). Our extended family is disapproving of his nomadic lifestyle so I want to get him some things that are supportive. I know nothing about winter sports or these areas so my google searches are less than stellar.
Ribena
Sealskinz gloves. The absolute best. (I wear the mittens but same difference).
Anonymous
Get him a proper mask that is good for working out. I fear that a lot of skiers are going to rely on pulling up a neck gaiter or wearing a balaclava and that’s not sufficient.
Anon
Not a suggestion, but this internet stranger approves (and is incredibly jealous of!) his nomadic lifestyle
montanan
yellowstone national park is near big sky and open in the winter; the mammoth hot springs site is really cool to visit. National parks membership? roadside geology of the northern rockies/montana book? (that’s the title). also, Montana gets reaaaaally cold (like significantly below zero) at points throughout the winter, so probably any warm stuff (wool socks, hand warmers, etc) would be appreciated. also near big sky is bridger bowl, another ski area — you could get him a lift ticket there to mix things up…
SF Anon
Icebreaker base layers. They’re super warm and comfortable and probably not something he would buy himself (they’re not cheap). Get him the 3/4 length men’s 175 thermal leggings; it sounds weird but they’re perfect for wearing under ski pants because they stop above the ski boot and therefore don’t rub/chafe. They’re merino wool so you can wear them a bunch of times before they get smelly. You can find them on sale at Nordstrom Rack online and other discount shops if you look around.
Anonymous
Counterpoint, the two Icebreaker items I bought this year developed holes almost immediately. I’ve had better luck with Smartwool, but only the 100% merino items. The items with polyester are not very high-quality.
anon a mouse
Is he a coffee or tea drinker? Something like a Yeti mug that will keep beverages hot for hours might be good.
Anon
In this particular year, I would hesitate to get him something really location specific. You just don’t know how things will change, and if that will affect his travel there. For example, I’m in the Bay Area, we had been thinking of going to Tahoe post XMas and even had reservations, but now you’re basically not supposed to go there unless you own a property, I think to ski at at least some of the mountains you need to be a pass holder at least in the beginning, I know the kid’s programs keep getting pushed out, any indoor/lodge opening is questionable so where do you warm up…. To be sure, there are people still skiing and your brother sounds pretty adaptable/like he won’t need most of the things I mention…but…just in case…I would stick to physical gifts that would help with the activities instead.
(We are not going to Tahoe anymore, it was always a pipe dream at best :) I also approve of your brother’s nomadic lifestyle!)
anon
Not sure how kitted out he is, but as a skier I’d love if someone would buy me the special ski/snowboard helmet bluetooth headphones.
Anonymous
I get why some people like to listen to music while skiing, but I’ve had some of the best conversations with strangers I’ve met on chairlifts and the same goes for people I know. My aunt made a lifelong friend with someone 30 years her senior on a chairlift and one of my good friends met her now-serious boyfriend after accepting an impromptu invitation to join a ski trip from someone she rode a chairlift with. My father once made two Australians visiting the U.S. for a month-long ski trip (they were in their 20s and my father was in his 50s at the time) and they ended up skiing together for three days straight. Makes me kind of sad sometimes to see everyone in their own world all the time (and I say this as an introvert!).
Anon
The Bluetooth might just be for phone calls. It’s hard to talk on the phone with a helmet, and texting in the freezing cold is annoying. Not that I gab on the phone on a chairlift, but sometimes you need to have a quick “where are you” conversation with other members of your party, or need to answer a “please come get your kid at ski school it turns out their feet are too small for any of our boots”…that kind of thing. :)
Anon
Totally agree on chairlift magic, but it sounds like this year, they will only let people within single parties ride up the lift together
Anonymous
Are those safe? If it’s not safe to run with headphones, I don’t know how it’s safe to ski with them.
Anon
You’re not generally dealing with traffic when you ski, though.
Anonymous
You are dealing with other skiers though. My kids have almost been run over so many times by teenage boys with music on blast and not paying attention to what is going on around them. And in the backcountry you need to be listening for avalanche warning sounds
Anon
OMG yes there is traffic skiing. I was taken out by a runaway skier. Hearing someone come up behind me is so key to my safety. I would never ski with headphones.
Stocking Stuffers
Best stocking stuffer type gifts under $75? I’ve gotten my siblings truffle hot sauce, packs of phone chargers, and yeti cups in the past and need some similar ideas for this year!
Anon
Baby Foot foot peeling masks
Anon
Invisibobbles–I know they work better, I’m just too cheap to pay that much for a ponytail holder.
Beauty blender–same idea: know it’s superior, too cheap to buy one.
Urban Outfitters sells a miniature dustbuster that I low-key want for my desk at work. Search “World’s Smallest Vacuum” on their page.
Anon
I’m deeply frugal but the invisibobbles are so worth it. I held off for so long but man they are nearly life-changing. Never thought I’d feel this way about a tiny piece of plastic.
Anon
YES. I got a 4 pack for christmas 2 years ago and they’re still in good shape after holding up my long, thick, heavy hair daily.
Anonymous
I find teleties hold better with really thick hair. But the real ones are so worth it versus knock offs from the river site.
A.
Bombas socks
L’Occitaine hand cream
Smith’s Rosebud Salve
Ribena
USB mug warmer! Perfect for the WFH life.
anon a mouse
Bourbon smoked salt
Metal/collapsible straw
Left-Right-Center dice game
Swedish dishcloths
Small hand sanitizer bottles and/or masks (can never have too many!)
Senior Attorney
Headlamps were a huge hit the year I did them.
Anon
I don’t think you can go wrong with candy, and you can get it delivered through your favorite grocery store delivery. I just ordered some from CVS. Everyone loves Ferrero Rocher and Almond Roca, but we also like the Christmas-wrapped stuff like Rolos.
Anon
Lightning cables. They sell them in multipacks with various lengths on Amazon.
Anonymous
Anyone know they look dated but just can’t get behind a recent trend?
I can’t stand how the silhouette for sweats has moved toward waist length or cropped tops. Give me a long hoodie any day.
I also think an overly thick eyebrow in real life often just looks weird.
Anonymous
Some trends is always outdated to somebody so I really don’t care. Especially now, I just want to be comfortable.
Anonymous
Agree on the crop tops – honestly what’s the point of a hoodie/middle layer that exposes the middle of the body and loses all body heat?! Clearly these fashion designers and influencers have actually been in real life situations like being in an office that’s perpetually cold (not that cropped tops are even remotely acceptable in offices unless maybe fashion), being outdoors where the temperature drops below 40, trying to avoid accidentally flashing passerby while walking the dog and picking up after said dog, etc…
all about eevee
As a counterpoint, I think thick eyebrows look youthful and beautiful.
Anon
Exactly, skinny eyebrows definitely read older. Either we overplucked (oh hi 90s trend I regret) or they start balding in perimenopause. I’m thinking about trying Rogaine on my brows.
Anonymous
Not sure about Rogaine, but Revitalash or similar works!
pnw anon
I have naturally blonde, thin brows that I’ve boosted with a combination of RapidBrow and an at home brow tinting kit. DIY brow tinting is super fast and easy. I use the Godefoy kit, it comes with everything you need, powder color, developer, brow brush, mini mixing cup. There are capsules of color that you can open, each capsule is good for at least 2 tints. I found the key is to remove the tint with oil based makeup remover.
I have noticeable eyebrows now, and I don’t have to fill them in if I don’t want to. Exciting stuff!
Anonymous
To me natural eyebrows look youthful and beautiful, but I can’t abide the penciled-in cartoon brows that are trending right now.
anonshmanon
Totally agree! There is such a thing as too much.
Anonymous
+1.
Anon
As a spectator who survived 80s fashion, I’m really enjoying these brows. Every generation needs a ridiculous trend to be embarrassed about 20 years later.
Anon
Yes!
Anon
+1 It reminds me of Angry Birds
Flats Only
Every time I overdo it with the Boy Brow I think of Uncle Leo from Seinfeld. I am an old.
Go for it
Snort!! I’m not the only one who thinks this.
anon
+1. They look ridiculous. At least these people will still have their eyebrows in 25 years, though.
Signed,
’90s teen
Anonymous
They haven’t been trending for a while now. You are a little behind!
Anon
So what is the current eyebrow trend? (Please don’t say the really long brow hairs spiked upward…)
Anon
Very dark brows penciled in (sometimes with three different products) are definitely trending on makeup tik tok. I think the difference between now and the straight sharpie trend is that they try to fade out the inner corner a little.
And yes I can’t stand the long hairs plastered up with gel.
Anon
They’re fine if natural, but micro blading looks like someone went over their brows with a magic marker. It’s awful.
Anonymous
No, that’s not microblading. Microblading is completely undetectable. Bad microblading is identifiable but so is bad anything.
anon
Well then I’ve never seen good microblading. It’s just too much look, esp with a bare face.
Anonymous
Oh, of course you have. You just never noticed.
Anonymous
defend your face tats all you want, i promise you i can tell they’re there
Anonymous
defend your face tats all you want, i promise you i can tell they’re there
Anonymous
+1 on the eyebrows. I’m just embracing middle age, but I also think even when I was younger, I’ve never found all trends attractive, and they certainly don’t all work for me. (No one wants to see my midriff). I think that is pretty normal though.
Airplane.
I love a full and filled out brows and I LIVE for a crop top and a high waist legging. Shrug.
I can’t behind dirty sneakers – golden goose. I also can’t get over overly botoxed frozen forehead. Kristin Chenoweth in the new netflix Christmas rom com The Holidate. Whyyyy. I saw this as someone who fully intends to get some lip filler and permanent makeup done.
Anon
I am betting that the people who came up with the golden goose idea got an F on their MBA business plan / Shark Tank episode and are now laughing all the way to the bank.
Maybe it equalizes the world that crazy expensive sneakers are now a way for both men and women to spend $ on?
Anonymous
Even the brand name screams “emperor’s new clothes.”
Nicole
Where do you get your crop tops? I finally have the confidence to wear them but I’m having trouble finding ones I like. I’m especially looking for long sleeve ones.
Anonymous
This is going to sound weird, but a lot of Eileen Fisher stuff runs short and boxy and is the right amount of “cropped” for me.
Airplane.
Asos, free people, nordstrom rack. I’m embraced athleisure and wear crop crewneck sweatshirt.
Anon
Permanent makeup seems like a bad idea. What you like at 30 may be very different from what you like at 50.
Anon
My 50-something cousin has permanent lip liner and it’s… not cute. Trends come and go, and that was one for a while (think Pamela Anderson with the dark liner and clear gloss) and deciding you want to make it permanent with a tattoo is just a bad idea.
pnw anon
My aunts have a subtle permanent eye liner they got done at the end of the 90s i think. It looks fine, wouldn’t notice it as a tattoo if i didn’t know.
Airplane.
It fades naturally. My mom got it in the 90’s and 80’s and she has aged beautifully as has her permanent makeup. It’s just called that, it is not actually permanent.
Anonymous
I live in NYC so I regularly see people who are embracing the Head To Toe Of The Moment looks — and they rarely seem appealing to me, regardless of what the look is. I just embrace whatever trend looks appealing to me and works for my life and ignore everything else; it’ll pass.
Anonymous
Yeah, those filled in brows are the blue eyeshadow of the last decade.
AnonATL
In general, I really dislike all the intentionally ugly trends: Chunky sneakers, sweatpants, most torn up stuff… Why?
Other trends like the pattern/color of the season, trendy makeup, hair, etc I admire but ignore. Maybe it’s boring of me, but I’ve found simple and fast makeup that works for me, haircut I like, and basic clothes that suit me.
I just don’t have it in my budget and mind space to chase seasonal trends. What would I do with that stuff in 3 months when it’s no longer in style? Just throw it away?
pugsnbourbon
Recent trends I’ve been seeing (online, not IRL) are just all over the place. Square-toed sandals with wide-leg cropped faux leather pants? Bra tops under a David Byrne-esque blazer? A fuzzy knit long-sleeve polo shirt?
I’m already pretty close to having a uniform and it appeals more and more. Just mad that black turtlenecks have already been claimed.
Senior Attorney
I feel like there’s always room for somebody else to claim the black turtleneck uniform.
Anonymous
+1 it’s such a common piece of clothing I don’t think one person claim it. Either that or Im wildly unstylish in my black cashmere turtlenecks all winter.
PolyD
High rise pants. I just tried a couple of pairs, and no. The long lower abdomen look is not for me, plus even though I’m on the slim side, they make my lower abdomen look very puffy.
And SOOOO uncomfortable!! I wore higher rise pants back in the 1990s and early 2000s when that’s how pants were, and I don’t remember them being uncomfortable, but dang, I cannot wear them now.
Anon
This is the one trend that I hope never died. I’m pear shaped and really struggle with pants that stay up (and have since childhood). I love high waisted pants, just for this reason
Anonymous
Yes. I have an extremely long rise and high hips and pants just don’t stay up unless they come near my actual waist (even high rise don’t make it to my waist, but it’s better than early 2000s low rise).
Anonymous
Yeah, high-rise pants remind me of the polyester slacks my grandmother wore in the ’70s. No, thank you. They create the appearance of tummy and hip bulges where none actually exist.
Sunshine
I am so very happy to read I’m not the only one who hates high waisted pants. They’re horrible for me. I hate how they look and how they feel. I’m fine with my pants and leggings hitting the top of my hip bone, but not my belly button. Finding lower-rise leggings right now is basically impossible. I finally resorted to Poshmark.
Anon
As a tall I’ve loved the times high waisted pants are in because finally something fits me!
My daughter came of age in the high waist pants era and she hates the look of anything else. I bought her some very expensive leggings once that were mid rise and she never wore them.
They’re the right thing to wear with the crop tops mentioned above.
Anon
I hate any clothing touching my stomach, even if it isn’t tight. I feel like I’m being suffocated. Low-rise all day.
Anon
Yes I can’t stand the sharpie eyebrows. I love a natural looking brow, whether your natural brow is thick or sparse. I’m also not loving the thinner but uniform shape of micro bladed brows.
Sensitive Teeth
A couple of my teeth are so sensitive to cold right now! My dentist is aware and did a concentrated fluoride treatment, but that only helped a few days. I’m using sensodyne, fluoride mouthwash, I floss and brush regularly. I take calcium supplements.
Is there some OTC remedy I’m missing? I’m tired of being in pain when I try to eat cold fruit or drinks.
Clinpro
I have receding gums, and my dentist prescribed Clinpro. Yes, there is such a thing as prescription toothpaste. I use it once/day and Sensodyne for the other brushing. It greatly decreased my sensitivity. I’m not sure how available it is: when I was first prescribed it, I tried looking online to see if I could get it cheaper than at my dental office, and the only place I found was a somewhat-sketchy Canadian (?) online pharmacy. However, that may have changed.
Side note: prescription toothpaste is FSA-reimbursable. However, it almost always gets immediately rejected because the clerks can’t believe it. It’s on the list, but you have to document the prescription and the cost difference between it and normal toothpaste.
Elbe
Try Sensodyne Rapid Relief, not the regular Sensodyne. Use a full inch and let it sit on your teeth a little before brushing, then brush gently.
Anon
I have a manager who likes to play music before the weekly team meetings (Zoom, about 70 people). It’s usually work appropriate top 100 stuff. Today, he wants to play a Christmas song. My reaction to that is…not everyone celebrates Christmas and we probably shouldn’t do that. Am I overreacting here?
Anonymous
Would he play “I want a puppy for Hannukah?” Because that’s gold right there.
Anonymous
And then next week “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas.” Not to equalize holiday representation, but because it is so wonderfully terrible.
Anon
These two are just amazing and perfect for this kind of thing. But otherwise, yes, you are overreacting, unless he’s playing like Away in a Manger or something.
Anon
I would totally suggest Dar Williams’ Christians and the Pagans, because let’s not forget Solstice either.
Seventh. Sister
I love that song so much! “And where does magic come from? I think magic’s in the learning,
‘Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning.”
Lily
Can he do a Hanukkah song today, and a Christmas song next week? But honestly I don’t think this is ah uge deal UNLESS it’s a religious song. If it’s like, All I want for Christmas or rudolph the red nosed reindeer, I think you’re getting upset over nothing.
Anon
As a Jew, I have to say that all Christmas songs read as religious to me, and pretending that they are secular/neutral or applicable to my life is something I find really frustrating. That said, I understand that I live in a culturally Christian society, and if my manager played a Christmas song here and there I wouldn’t object. No need for a Hanukkah song equivalent from my point of view, the holidays don’t need to be one-to-one and it’s fun to help other people celebrate things that make them happy.
LaurenB
It’s interesting that all Christmas songs read as religious to you, when to me they could easily be classified into 3 categories:
1) Christmas standards that make no mention of Christmas and are really about the cold: Let It Snow, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, Jingle Bell Rock, Frosty the Snowman.
2) Christmas standards that mention associated concepts (Santa, chimney, sleigh, tree) but don’t mention anything religious at all: Santa Baby, Rudolph the RNR, Wonderful Christmastime, A Holly Jolly Christmas, I’ll be Home for Christmas, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.
3) Christmas standards that are explicitly religious: Little Drummer Boy, Silent Night, O Come All Ye Faithful.
That said, I wouldn’t object to any of them either unless I felt it was accompanied by over-the-top religious proselytizing, which doesn’t seem the case here.
No Problem
I’m also Jewish and agree that all Christmas songs read as religious to me, whether they are truly secular or not. If a song is really just about “winter,” then why do we only hear it/sing it in November and December, and not in January and February when it is still winter?
Partly I guess it’s because these songs got grouped into the Christmas song canon and there’s no other obvious canon to add them to. What other season/time of year do we sing or listen to the same dozen essentially children’s songs? It’s not like everyone is listening to certain songs about springtime or summer or even Halloween (maybe Thriller is the Halloween exception).
On top of that, all of these popular “winter” songs are just horrible to listen to. Ironically, the explicitly religious ones are more likely to be pleasant songs and I have heard many beautiful chorale arrangements, even if I don’t actually want to be forced to hear it in public due to the religiousness of the song.
Anon
Another Jew chiming in. Only Christians (and I use that broadly, to include non-practicing) think Christmas is neutral. Even the “non-religious” Christmas songs are religious when you are not Christian.
I similarly understand that I am a minority living in a Christian-dominant country, but it is the opposite of inclusion to assume that the “secular” Christmas songs (or Christmas activities, or Christmas decorations) are ok with everyone. All the Christmas stuff at my office this year – which they are trying to do to foster more of a sense of community since we are all remote – is only serving to remind me that when the partners at my white shoe law firm think about what their community looks like, they do not want people like me.
cbackson
Yeah, I am a devout Christian and so I generally take the position that regardless of how secular these songs may feel to me, I shouldn’t assume they feel secular to someone of another – or no – religious faith. I simply don’t have the right lens to make that judgment.
Anonymous
That’s interesting considering most of the secular holiday winter songs were written by Jews…
LaurenB
+1. I thought everyone knew that many of the top Christmas songs were written by Jews. Apparently not. It’s a TIL kind of day!
Seventh. Sister
I had to explain that to my husband when we were watching “White Christmas.” So many good songs! I’ve also brought it up with my Girl Scouts, whose families observe a mix of religious practices.
FWIW, we try very hard not to do anything even vaguely religious with our troop, but some members will go to a local GS caroling event (when it was held in the Before Times). The existence of the caroling event makes some of the religious Christian parents unhappy (why only more-secular songs?), delights some of the Jewish and Hindu families, and generally makes everyone unhappy. I’m kind of glad it isn’t happening this year.
Anon
I don’t know. I blame Christianity for all Christmas music. Cultural Christmas is Christianity’s fault too.
Anon
(Speaking as a Christian for whom Christmas always comes too soon.)
Senior Attorney
Yep. Totally agree with Anon at 10:09 a.m. above. Even though it’s been secularized to pieces, Christmas is still a Christian religious holiday and not everybody observes it. I didn’t realize how strongly a lot of people feel about this until I married somebody who was raised in a Jewish family.
Anonymous
Why is it wrong to have culture? I get that Christianity is the majority culture in the US and there are problems with that, but I love learning about celebrations and holidays from all cultures and participating in them in appropriate ways. Is it wrong that my husband’s company, which is Chinese-owned and has a lot of employees who came to the U.S. from India or work in India, celebrates the lunar new year and Diwali? Is it only okay for the company to celebrate those holidays at its locations where those are minority cultures?
Senior Attorney
It’s not wrong to have culture, and it’s not wrong to celebrate minority cultures, but this is not that. This is the opposite of that and it’s wrong for people to tell Jews, “Oh, Christmas is your holiday, too, because it’s secular and everybody celebrates it these days.” Uh, no. It’s a religious holiday from a different religion.
Anonymous
So why can’t the company’s employee engagement committee propose some Jewish cultural sharing to go along with the non-religious Christmas songs? Must the majority culture be completely erased? Why not allow some of the majority culture (without asserting that it’s everyone’s culture) and share all the other cultures too?
Seventh. Sister
Oh, 100%. For every church that tries to put the Jesus back in, there are 100 people out there yelling about the Starbucks cups being insufficiently religious.
Anonymous
Yes – there are lots of classic wintery Christmasy songs that are not religious – Jingle Bells, Winter Wonderland etc.
Anon
That was actually my suggestion – Winter Wonderland or Frosty – but he played a (non-religious) Christmas song anyway. It is what it is now. I tried.
Anonymous
Yes.
Anonymous
Why would playing a Christmas song indicate that he thinks everyone celebrated Christmas? Playing it around the clock might be one thing, but I would not push back against a one-time thing unless you want to look like one of those preemptively offended people.
LaurenB
+ 1 — any more than playing Monster Mash or Thriller at Halloween means that he thinks the listener needs to believe in zombies. Sometimes a song is just a song. I wouldn’t waste any political capital on this kind of thing, personally. It can be woke preening.
Anon
Or, it’s promoting one religious holiday over another and it’s insensitive.
Anon
I don’t think you get to tell Jewish people how to feel, Lauren. But of course you have an opinion on everything.
Anon
Go away pathetic stalker. Get a life.
Anonymous
You have definitely reached the BEC stage with Lauren.
LaurenB
Anon at 12:48. Should I add you to tonight’s FaceTime with my young adult children where we plan to light our menorahs together, or would you prefer a copy of my DNA test showing my Jewish ancestry? TIA!
Anonymous
Yes. Muslim (practicing) who loves Christmas time, Christmas music etc. — it doesn’t take anything away from MY faith to hear a song for 3 minutes. It’s not like he’s going to preach a sermon.
Anonymous
This is my thought as well. Why would it affect my own beliefs to hear one brief song from a different faith? How is it insulting to them?
Seventh. Sister
At our elementary school’s “holiday” festival, the Muslim moms bring some of the best treats AND make some great gingerbread houses (in normal times, each family gets a kid). It’s a wild sugar fest for all children!
Seventh. Sister
KIT, ugh. Sorry. Also my favorite station is the hot chocolate station, because it is a truth universally acknowledged that all kids love marshmallows.
Anon
I feel like unless it’s a hymn, it’s fine
Anon
Atheist Jew here (which this board has told me is Not a Thing, I assure you it is and is quite common) and I think Christmas music is fine as long as it’s not expressly religious (Jingle Bells vs O Come All Ye Faithful). I am not sure if others feel this way though.
Anonymous
Atheist here who would not be bothered at all by even a religious hymn as long as it wasn’t every single day or presented as “the official song of the company.”
Solidarity
Preach. Fellow atheist Jew who made latkes last night.
Anon
There are lots of songs like Jingle Bells, Let it Snow, and Winter Wonderland that are pretty secular.
Anonymous
Hello, hive. I’m starting to work on (acknowledge) my commitment issues. My parents have been married 40 years, I’ve never had my heart broken, but I’m a 30-something lady who can’t settle down. I switch apartments every year, I hate using labels for my dating partners to the point it has made me nauseas to be introduced as a gf, I’ve switched companies every 2-3 years. My life is great – I move for reasons like a yard or extra space, or for promotions or transfers – but I’ve been with a guy for a year now and he’s explaining that it is hurting his feelings that I don’t call him my boyfriend and won’t talk about moving in down the road. Is there something I can do pre therapy? Reading, video resources?
Anonymous
Red flag red flag red flag.
Z
Red flag for who? OP or the guy she’s seeing? Wanting to be called BF/GF after a year of dating is normal IMO. It sounds like this guy wants a commitment and you don’t, and that is fine, but you may want to let him go.
Anonymous
For bridge-dweller OP. Spelling errors. Language.
ThirdJen
Journaling can help – I’d start with the prompts you have here, and just keep asking Why.
I hate labels for my dating partners – why? I get nauseous when I’m referred to as a girlfriend – why?
I switch companies every 2-3 years – why? A promotion – why did I leave for that promotion? More money, better title – why did I want more money?
If you do end up seeking talk therapy, this is really useful prework.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Therapy for sure. This isn’t normal and it’s not just related to romantic situations (constant job changing and moving apartments). It’s understandable that he’s hurt after that length of time.
Anonymous
Ugh — why do guys jump first to “moving in”? I see that as a way of locking you into something with no end date and no commitment, the worst of all possible worlds. And so often, it’s the guy’s place, not something where the GF is on the lease or deed (and yet pays for and probably can’t afford if they break up).
I’d give the side eye to moving in categorically (but that’s me — I want a ring or would insist on keeping a separate place). But that is different than not calling a guy you’ve been seeing for a year your BF. If the genders were reversed, people might think that a guy who won’t call a woman his GF just sees her a a F-buddy and not relationship material. Is that what you want? Maybe he is not what you’d want (in which case, cut him loose).
Anonymous
Are you married or do you have any experience cohabitating? Prefacing this by saying no one I associate with is religious, I’ve found my friends who won’t live with someone until marriage are just using that as an excuse to maintain their commitment issues without question.
Anon
I have to push back a bit — I know plenty of people who moved in once they were engaged and it was no big deal b/c they each knew where they stood and were both choosing to move forward with a permanent joint future. I know plenty of people (often the same people) who moved in and found that they were really trapped once the relationship soured (especially if they were timing it with some other issue — lease was up, didn’t like their roommate — vs doing it as a choice of merit on its own). I think part of it is a growing up thing and part of it is just seeing it as really devastating (like a couple where she wasn’t on the lease and had her stuff left on the curb in the rain; or another where the guy started dating when she had been sleeping on the futon trying to save up first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and security deposit to get a new place since everyone else we knew had a roommate situation already ).
I am not really a fan of moving in, but not for moral reasons. Like a friend who saw it as a step towards engagement that apparently is still not happening 10 years later :(
Anonymous
I’ve seen similar stuff so many times. One person thinks they are moving in because they will get engaged soon and the other thinks it’s convenient because the lease is up and has no thoughts of getting engaged.
Walnut
Eh, some of us moved in together because it’s annoying to constantly have someone’s fridge full of spoiling food and you can’t remember if your favorite pants are are in the laundry bin at your place or theirs.
Anonymous
@walnut – that’s totally fine if both people agree that’s why they are moving in but lots of times people think it means something else besides laundry convenience
Anonymous
To me, the willingness to move in before marriage (or at least before a formal engagement) actually signals a lack of commitment. I’m not about to form a household with someone who isn’t ready to commit for the long run.
anon
+1. No way, no how. This is a controversial statement, but I believe moving in together is more like playing house than making an actual commitment.
No Problem
It depends how you do it. Many people I know moved in together before engagement or marriage, but alongside the explicit conversation about their expectations on engagement or marriage. One couple is not interested in marriage or kids but is absolutely committed to each other, other couples discussed specific timelines or milestones for getting married (finish grad school, pay off certain debts, get engaged within a year, etc.). It’s fine to move in together if you’ve had that discussion and are on the same page about expectations. It’s when people move in together without being explicitly on the same page about their future that it could be “playing house” or signaling a lack of commitment.
Anon
Bingo.
I did not move in with my husband until we were married. I find it bonkers that someone would think that moving in without a ring is a sign of wanting commitment; it is literally a way to delay marriage and stay in a relationship that you know is not going anywhere.
Sunshine
+2. Moving in after getting engaged and with a wedding date? Yup! Moving in to just see how it is on an indefinite time frame (assuming at least one party is looking for marriage)? Nope. I’ve seen too many people who move in without a firm plan for marriage, when one party wants marriage, and eventually break up years later because the other one won’t commit. FWIW: my husband and I didn’t live together before we got married and that was the right decision for us.
Anon 2.0
I am honestly kind of shocked to see such extremely conservative views on moving in together before marriage posted here.
I would never agree to engagement or marriage to someone I hadn’t “played house with” as one poster put it.
Anonymous
I don’t see how waiting for a commitment before moving in together is conservative. Most of the couples I know who cohabitated before marriage either went through a messy breakup or felt compelled (one or both parties) to get married. I’d rather avoid both of those situations.
Anon
Part of me feels like I’d sooner marry someone than entangle my finances and basic needs like shelter with them, so I never totally understand this decision. I have definitely seen it lead to a lot of stress in relationships. Maybe it’s different when there’s no financial pressure at all, and everyone has plenty of money whether they share rent or not.
Anon
I honestly don’t think it’s necessarily conservative to not want to move in with someone — there’s certainly very conservative reasons people are opposed to it but I think financial independence is a feminist issue. But also I knew my husband pretty well before we got engaged moved in together, I didn’t need to play house with him because I was already confident that he was a functional adult.
Anon
I’ve read that people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, because it’s harder to end a relationship once living together, and co-habitating couples are more likely to marry out of inertia notwithstanding uncertainty/ relationship problems.
theguvnah
omg you people are bonkers.
To me it is absolutely insane to commit your life to someone legally before knowing how you’d run a household together, SO incredibly naive and frankly dumb.
Anon
I wouldn’t move in with my boyfriend because no way in hell was I selling my own house for a mere boyfriend! I sold it after we got engaged.
Anon 10:06
I’m team don’t move in until you’re engaged but it’s pretty clear that the commitment thing isn’t specific to her relationship. And given how often she’s moved, I’m not clear that moving in would actually be a serious step for her vs. someone who has lived in the same apartment for 10 years.
Anon
That’s not a guy thing.
Anonymous
I think it also depends if the conversation he wants is specifically about moving in, or about the future generally. I get the feeling that any discussion of significant future steps would make OP twitchy. I don’t think OP would feel better if he was wanting to talk engagement.
Anon
Do you want to settle down? There is nothing wrong if you don’t. If you don’t want to and he does, then it’s probably time to move on.
Anon
This is true, but being nauseated at the idea of being called a girlfriend after an entire year of dating is an issue worth working on.
aria
A year seems definitely long enough to want to be called girlfriend/boyfriend. How long do people wait before saying that? I would say like a few months max?
Anonymous
She changes apartments every year and jobs every 2-3 years. Her commitment issues are not just about this guy.
Anonymous
There’s nothing wrong with changing jobs/apartments every few years. Not every one wants to stay in the same place for long periods of time. Settling down and staying put does not have to be a goal.
anon
Are you actually happy and is your life actually great, or are you always leaping from thing to thing to avoid feeling trapped/having to be alone with your thoughts and feelings of fear, discontent, and worthlessness?
Honestly I’ve struggled with this too. I have some good news and bad news and they are the same: There is a profoundly beautiful depth that comes when you don’t keep everything painless and surface level.
Have you read Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed? If not, I’d really suggest reading the chapter called “ache” — it’s about how if you never emotionally invest in anything you can never be hurt, but you also never get to be fully alive.
Anon
Therapy.
annon
I think it’s hard to make recommendations to you without knowing more about the source of the problem. Solid family background and no past trauma does not usually result in the behaviour you are describing. So it’s kinda like shooting in the dark. FWIW- I identify as someone with avoidant attachment tendencies and that might fit you. You can learn a decent amount about avoidant vs anxious vs secure attachment just by googling. Other resources that I started with are the Brene Brown TED talk and on instagram ‘lovingmeafterwe’.
Anon
Not everyone has to want the same things! If you really wanted to be in a long term committed relationship but found ways to self-sabotage, then yeah, maybe some therapy.
But if you’re happy with your life now and just wondering why you’re not like everyone else, that’s more about acceptance than fixing you. Carry on with your badass self and enjoy life on your own terms!
Alana
It might help to find a therapist who specializes in attachment issues. Your description sounds like it could be dismissive attachment or fearful avoidant attachment. It’s important to find a therapist who not stuck on how most women act because most women who aren’t securely attached (the healthy, happy version of attachment) are anxiously attached (the clingy type). When women are not clingy, or even anti-clingy, some people’s minds explode. Fierce independence can be tiring over time, and healthy interdependence works best for most humans.
Anonymous
Any advice on how to deal with anxiety around early dating? I’m great at being in a relationship but not at this. I overthink things and never know how much is reasonable to ask/expect at this stage.
I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months, we’ve been seeing only each other due to Covid precautions but no official relationship talk.
We spend most of the weekend together but don’t see each other during the week, when we text a few times a day and very occasionally talk on the phone. When we’re apart I find myself second-guessing his level of interest, worrying whether it means something that he didn’t text me goodnight or if it was a light day for communicating overall. (Yes, I can and will text him myself if he didn’t and I want to, but there’s a part of me that wants to hold back and wait for him so I know he is actively interested and wants to connect, that he’s not just responding to humor me.)
I’d love to spend more time together but it doesn’t seem practical (stressful Covid subway ride for a quick evening together, and he’s working very long hours for the next couple months). Given that reality and that we aren’t actually in a relationship, I don’t feel it’s realistic to expect more from him emotionally or timewise right now…though I could be wrong there. Yet I find it hard to wait for the week to pass until I can interact with him again for real. Either I need to manage my emotions better or I need to try to change things somehow.
Anonymous
Why don’t you just say that you’d like to see him more and suggest alternating Wednesdays? One week you go to his place, the other week he goes to your place. Whoever is hosting can cook or order in.
Anon
I think it’s pretty normal if you’re really into a guy. I remember those types of worries early on when dating my now-husband. We did eventually end up adding Wednesdays like the above poster suggested. It was scary to say, “Hey, I’d love to see you more often during the week. How do you feel about us spending the night Wed night?” but it worked out well in the end :)
Anonymous
Thanks for the reassurance…maybe it’s less of a weird problem with me than I was thinking.
anonnnn
Not just a you problem! I am in the early dating stages and while everything is going really well, I am still anxious and am nervous about it. It took one of my girlfriends two months to get to the point where she felt comfortable with her current boyfriend even though he was nothing but wonderful to her. I think it’s natural to have some anxiety around dating before you have the exclusivity discussion.
Anonymous
I’ve had this kind of situation go both ways. There’s nothing to do but wait and see. Do you want to see him more? Do you want to hear from him more or just feel like you should?
Anonymous
Yeah, the waiting is hard for me! I do want to see him more, I just feel like there’s a way in which it’s not that easy or even that appropriate to do so during the pandemic. (Like, I want to do so many social things that I’m not doing!) I want to hear from him more, but I don’t know if I *should*. In a vacuum I probably hear from him an acceptable amount given the length of our acquaintance…
Senior Attorney
OMG you are me about six years ago. It’s just a hard relationship stage.
On the “managing your emotions” front, my therapist at the time was into the “object relations” theory, which (vastly over-simplified) said that I was like a baby who cried when the ball I was playing with rolled behind the couch, because the baby thought the ball had ceased to exist. Similarly, I’d be anxious when I wasn’t seeing my then-Gentleman Friend, because he had metaphorically rolled behind the couch. And it was helpful to remind myself that he still existed even though he was temporarily behind the couch, and that he would roll back out again soon.
As for changing things, that’s not a bad idea, either! I think it’s perfectly appropriate to be a person who wants things and asks for what she wants.
Anonymous
Thanks, SA! It’s a helpful way to look at it, and I can only hope that my story has as nice an ending as yours does! :)
Senior Attorney
I’m rooting for you!!
clothing comment
I remember when leather pants were really louche (or something). Then Ross wore them on Friends and now it they are styled with a cardigan / sweater thing, like what my 79 year old mom would wear (the sweater, not the leather pants). It’s like they have gone mainstream and homely — how is that possible for leather pants? And what do outrageous people wear to be outrageous in now (or maybe “when the pandemic is over”). I get that Keith Richards may be wearing joggers and a hoodie now, but it is a very old person and that is at least appropriate for the retirement villa. Or is edginess over forever?
Anon
I don’t think leather pants are mainstream for men (yet), but I think the surge in the popularity of leggings over the last decade has made way for leather leggings to become popular. Big companies like Spanx have advertised them the last couple years.
Anonymous
I was thinking of that, too. I don’t know how people get unlined leather pants on/off, much less something that fits like leggings. I feel like I have to peel off the regular leggings I have some days and can’t imagine have to go to the bathroom in a hurry in faux leather spanx.
fyi
They’re stretchy. I don’t know what magic potion is poured on the fabric but both leather leggings and coated jeans (which are basically fake leather) feel more like fabric than leather.
Anonymous
I don’t think edginess can be achieved via clothing alone these days I think it requires an accompanying hair style with piercings and tattoos.
Anon
I feel that even piercings and tattoos are also just so mainstream / generally done / whatever, that they aren’t even edgy. Even those big expander earrings don’t do it (I saw someone who had one and then something happened and all that was left was a dangling bit of ear skin that I was really worried would snag on something).
I think that true edge is like p*rn — I know it when I see it. I also suspect that unlike what the ads want us to believe, it can’t be bought.
Anonymous
There’s a big difference between a small influencer black line tattoo and a full blown sleeve.
Anon
+1
Anon
I don’t think a sleeve is edgy at all either. They’re basically ubiquitous now. Anyone getting a tattoo thinking it makes them look unique/edgy would be better off not getting a tattoo, because being tattooed is more mainstream now than being completely un-tattooed.
Anon
The whole influencer industry is to make outrageous styles sought after by the average internet user, so of course these looks are now mainstream. It’s business.
Anon
Edginess is over forever. I drive a minivan in a large city in the SEUS. I was at a boy scout Christmas tree sale at a church and saw an older teen scout with black nail polish. In prior times, I’d just assume that he lost a bet or had Issues, but now even I think that this is pretty meh. The kid was very helpful and quite pleasant and friendly (I can recall a dour “don’t smile at me” kid from when I was in high school who dressed in all black and did a lot as a snarling “stay away” signal). I don’t know if that is the intended reaction (and as a fellow wearer of dark nail polish colors, I don’t wear them on my fingernails b/c I can’t keep them from chipping in an office job, let alone manning a Christmas tree sale) and my kids are too young to really be in on all of this, but even this passes for normal. Maybe not so much in very outlying counties, but no one was getting the vapors.
Moonstone
I remember when the way you could tell Buffy was out of control was that she started wearing leather pants. Trivia!
anne-on
Yea…but the Gap also sold leather jeans at that time and they were pretty widely worn when I was in HS/College by lots of girls (low rise, with a thong, natch). I think it was more fashion-y than ‘louche’ or ‘rebel rebel’ – especially the pastel colored leather pants that were also all over the place.
Lets also not forget the super popular early 2000s trend of ‘throw a blazer over it’ – corset tops and super filmy strappy silk tops with our ‘going out blazers’. SO glad that’s done.
Anon
OMG I remember that, especially the thong to hide the coin slot. It is like a fig leaf, but for the back side. So that is one benefit of high rise pants and mom jeans (none of which fit me) at least.
LaurenB
As a college student in the 1980s, I had leather pants that were a gorgeous charcoal gray, buttery-soft to the touch, that I wore with a Mondi sweater (is that even around anymore – Mondi was luxurious with a touch of louche, and I love the chance to use that word). I also had a beautiful leather gored / fluted skirt that I wore to work. I think as with anything, you can make leather trashy or tasteful or anywhere in between. Same thing with leopard or other animal prints.
anon
Leather pants were always hideous, edgy or not, IMO.
Senior Attorney
I’m 62 and I briefly considered wearing my faux leather leggings to my (business formal in pre-COVID days) office today.
So yeah, edginess is over forever.
Anon
I don’t see them as edgy, but as trendy. I wore pleather jean type pants (with 5 pocket styling and a zipper) with a stretchy black halter top to a dance in high school (class of 2002) after seeing Coyote Ugly. After that, I wore them with sweaters or a cotton top to high school. No one batted an eye.
Anon
I was an 80s kid and if you wanted to be edgy rock n roll, there was nothing better than leather pants or a leather mini for that. They were real leather and meant to be as tight as you could get leather to fit.
Since then, at least the pants have become more mainstream as you say, but they tend to be pleather and stretchy and not as shiny as back in the 80s.
Even in the early aughts I had a beautiful suede skirt I wore to my corporate professional dress job. I think a lot of it is how it’s constructed. My suede skirt was cut like a typical slightly A-line skirt (that was in at the time) and was meant to look like a professional workwear item.
I don’t actually know what’s edgy now. It might be retro wear.
Anon
I’ve been to Sturgis, and it is a hotbed of elderly people decked out in leather while ranting about conservative talking points. Leather-as-edge died when boomers started their midlife crises–and I mean that genuinely, not as a one-liner.
Anon
+1 been to Laconia bike week unknowingly, and this is an accurate description.
Anon
Had my yearly review and am so frustrated. My boss is awesome and supportive, and I see her fighting for our team, but the company clearly shuts out women in STEM. I exceed my metrics, she never has anything but praise for my work, but I go nowhere.
All male managers with direct reports are given an office, but after 7 years of managing a department, my boss is still in a cubicle. In that time, 4 male new hires who are only project managers (no people reporting to them) have gotten offices from their first day. Any time she and I need to discuss something confidential, we have to run around to find someone out of the office so we can quickly have a hushed conversation in a private space. She has to do performance reviews at home on her own time because there’s no privacy at work.
She has been pushing for leadership and development opportunities for me for several years (for real, I’ve seen the paper trail), but is beating her head into a brick wall. Our department is minuscule, but a template for advancement could EASILY be copied from another similar department if the directors would allow it. I love working for her, but it’s been 5 years. I think I need to face reality that women go nowhere in this company.
Anon
It’s time to move on. This company is archaic, not forward thinking, not investing in your growth, and not inspiring you.
Anonymous
You are correct. Move on. They don’t care if you leave and they don’t care if she leaves. The cubicle thing is insane.
anonymous
What an awful place. They are not going to change. I hope you are able to leave for greener pastures. Make sure to leave a review on Glassdoor.
Anon
Talk to an employment lawyer. You likely won’t want to stay there after making a claim but they can’t fire you for making a claim. You can look for another job in the interim and maybe get something for your troubles once you move on.
Anon
That may be true, unfortunately, though I guess there could be a political issue I’m unaware of. I would ask some of those other directors if they would be interested in mentoring you – you need someone else to advocate for you because nobody is listening to your manager. Then also seek external opportunities.
Anon
Get out of there!!
Coach Laura
Unfortunately, she may not be perceived well and it may totally be a discrimination issue. You, being her direct report, will never get anywhere either – whether from discrimination or because you report to someone with no power or who is not valued, even if by no fault of her own. If she had any male direct reports, they might get the same outcome (e.g. no promotion) because they report to her and she is discriminated against. The only remedy is to leave, sorry. And she should leave too.
Rounding up 2020 reads
Favorite 2020 reads? My team’s festive Zoom yesterday focused on books and movies, and as the biggest reader in the group, I had to send my recommendations around. I had a really good reading year and struggled to narrow down to top 10. My focus this year has been work in translation and work from non-US/UK authors.
A Golden Age – Amad – Listened on audio, really beautifully written and narrated.
The Shadow King – Mengiste – Italian invasion of Ethiopia, gorgeous
Silver Sparrow – Jones – beautiful, lyrical writing, definitely wept
The Water Dancer – Coates – really beautifully written, again wept.
Transcendent Kingdom – Gyaasi – Author of Homegoing (one of my 2018 top 10s), but completely different. Quiet and gorgeous.
Miss Iceland – Olafsdottir – A quick, quirky delight.
Exciting Times – Dolan – In the vein of Normal People, millennial finding themselves
The Lying Life of Adults – Ferrante (2020) – Ferrante is always brilliant, she writes teenage girls so, so well
Before the Coffee Gets Cold – Kawaguchi – Gorgeous, magical Japanese story
Tell Me How It Ends – Luiselli – Captures the crisis at the US border in a really thoughtful way
The Girl in the Tree – İşigüzel – The Turkish millennial Bell Jar
In Diamond Square – Rodoreda – a Catalan classic, so, so good.
Listener
Bless you! Preparing for road trip and need great audiobook suggestions (ordered all of these!) Any other audiobook suggestions from you/the Hive?
Anonymous
Fiction: Year of Wonders, Rodham, The Expectations, Kindred. Hoping to read more Geraldine Brooks.
Nonfiction: Bad Blood, Say Nothing (this was the best), Irreversible Damage (chilling)
Cb
Say Nothing was so good!
Anonymous
I loved everything about Year of Wonders except the ending. I always caveat that people should read 90% of it!
PolyD
I feel like all of the books by this author take a very dark, disturbing turn toward the end. I’m think of this one and also March, about the father in Little Women.
Curious
On a recommendation from you all, I read Court of Thorns and Roses (a Tam Lin retelling) and its sequels and just loved it. Also on the more serious side of literature started reading Family Furnishings by Alice Munro. It’s slower going but amazing.
PolyD
All the Jenny Colgan books I could find, for nice easy reads, often with bookshops or bakeries.
Sourdough and Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore (may not be exact title), both by Robin Sloan
How to Stop Time by Matt Haig
The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa. Dystopian, but interesting.
I’ve also been looking for books by Sophie Kinsella, who wrote the Shopaholic books. Yes they are fluff, but one thing I like is that even though the heroines get themselves into kind of stupid messes, they also generally get themselves out without wholly relying on a dude.
Feyre and Aelin 4Ever.
Anything by Sarah Maas.
Curious
Yep.
Anon
Looking back at my reading for the year (I keep a list), it seems like there was a lot of fiction I liked, but only a few that I really loved and have stuck with me: Homeland Elegies, Piranesi, The Mirror and the Light, Djinn Patrol on the Purple Line, The Doomsday Book, and The Pull of the Stars. I also binged all of the Bridgerton books before the new Shonda Rhimes series comes out on Netflix and while not the best (a little cringy in some places), I did enjoy them and am looking forward to the show. As for nonfiction, favorites were The Cooking Gene, Barack Obama’s book, The Warmth of Other Suns (on the library wait list for Caste), Hidden Valley Road, The Splendid and the Vile, and Uncanny Valley.
NY CPA
The Silent Patient (came out in 2019 but my team at work read it in early 2020 as part of our “book club”). So good.
Senior Attorney
I also enjoyed The Memory Police. Some of my other highlights this year:
Piranesi by Susanna Clarke knocked my socks off with its inventive plot and gorgeous writing
The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson about the great migration of African Americans from the South to the North — emotionally difficult but important and moving and fascinating
Life After Life by Kate Atkinson — our heroine keeps dying and starting over with different outcomes. It takes several attempts to get through the Spanish Flu pandemic!
One to Watch by Kate Stayman-London — a fat acceptance fashion blogger becomes the star of a Bachelorette-like reality show.Moonflower Murders by Anthony Horowitz — two mystery novels in one, very fun.
Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam — lives up to the considerable hype and hits close to home in these trying times.
The City We Became by N.K. Jemison — sci fi/fantasy involving the boroughs of New York coming alive in human form
The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett — family saga of two African American sisters in the deep south — one stays and one leaves home and passes for white.
The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel — doesn’t quite live up to my beloved Station Eleven but I enjoyed it nonetheless
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone — absorbing memoir by therapist Lori Gottlieb
Save Me the Plums — speaking of memoirs, this is about Ruth Reichl’s year as editor of Gourmet magazine and I couldn’t put it down
The Tower of Babel trilogy (Senlin Ascends, Arm of the Sphinx, The Hod King) by Josiah Bancroft — complicated and fun
She Said by Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey, and Catch and Kill by Ronan Farrow — both excellent books about the Weinstein scandal, told from different perspectives
theguvnah
I threw Leave the World Behind across the room when I was done with it, I was so pissed at the ending!
Circe was my hands-down fave book of the year.
Senior Attorney
Heh my husband is the president of the Board of Governors of a club in town, and he likes it when I call him “head guvnah!”
Jeffiner
I enjoy a very specific genre of fiction, Golden Age mysteries, and rarely have a desire to branch out. I did recently read two novels written by modern writers but set in the early 1900s that were very good: A Beautiful Poison by Lydia Kang and The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton.
Juniper
2020 was a massive reading year for me, my goal was 100 books total and I’m done with 96. I think I’ll make it.
Notable standouts:
Fiction
Blindness by Jose Saramago
My Brilliant Friend series by Elena Ferrante (all 4)
The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes
Americanah by Chamamanda Ngozi Adichie
Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
The Vegetarian by Han Kang
Girl Woman Other by Bernardine Evaristo
Hyperion series by Dan Simmons (sci fi)
Non-Fiction:
Good Economics for Hard Times by Abhijit Banerjee and Esther Duflo
Sapiens, Homo Deus, and 21 Lessons by Yuval Harrari
The Frackers by Greg Zuckerman
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
The Fish that Ate the Whale by Rich Cohen
Anon
I have a question about “Influencers.” Who, exactly, are they influencing? I get that one of the Kardashian-Jenner kids is able to influence people (tweens?) to buy some makeup, but I am seeing more and more sponsored posts in my FB/Insta/Twitter feeds of someone I don’t know commenting on Product X. The biggest-ticket items I buy are houses, cars, and summer camps for my kids; also travel spending in prior years. I don’t think that these are really influencer-influenced items (but would have a big payoff). Is there really a lot of vetted data on if it is worth it for someone (possibly with paid followers) to get paid to post re Thing X or Activity Y (look at my sponsored trip to Tulum!!!)? The wanna-be CPA/audit person in me is curious b/c I have too d*mn much time on my hands now.
Cb
There is a whole R/Blogsnark community if you want to go down a serious rabbit hole. I think some of them are making a bit of money here and there, but there are outliers who fund pretty lavish lifestyles on the basis of affiliate links.
Monday
I also read an article about aspiring influencers who intentionally mislead people to think they’re getting freebies/posting sponsored content when they’re not! They will pay their own way to a location or for a product, then tag the brand or business and “thank” them as a way to appear valuable as an influencer to get actual endorsement deals.
Anonanonanon2
Which I’m sorry but I think absolutely hilarious. Like… I could never, but on some level I admire the spunk
Monday
Oh totally. All’s fair in a ridiculous game! (Or maybe it isn’t, but I see what you’re saying.) The companies were upset but also seemed not to have any recourse when people did this.
Anonymous
I would argue Kat is an influencer. Just look at all the consumption she encourages via this site. I do think though that some people are more susceptible to the influence than others. While you and I may not be inspired by sponsored content many many people are
Blog Connoisseur
everytime you clink a link on this site, it gets some kind of cents/dollar amount. I agree that the reality of modern “influencing” is WAY more than you’re thinking OP. It’s all very interesting to me, but you could do some research on affiliate links, sponsored posts, paid reviews, etc.
Kat if you’re ever open to transparency, I’d love to hear more about how and to what volume this blog makes money.
Anon
I think she’s written this up before. Search the archives.
Anonymous
It’s impossible to escape the influencers. I’m not on Insta and only follow real-life friends on FB. I am still influenced by bloggers. After seeing breathtaking photos of Patagonia on Whats Gaby Cooking, I added Patagonia to my travel bucket list. I bought a bundt pan linked from Smitten Kitchen so I could cook a particular recipe. I own MMLF dresses and jardigans, Vuori joggers, Rothys, and bags by Lo & Sons and Cuyana, and I’m sure I learned about all of those brands on blogs. Since this spring I’ve been coloring my hair with Madison Reed. Etc.
Anonymous
I think it’s products that are purchased by people with more time and disposable income! (I have two kids of childcare age and therefore very little spare cash, lol.) I haven’t seen Insta influencers who put out income and expense reports, but a) I haven’t been looking closely and b) some bloggers have done.
all about eevee
Yes, influencing is an industry now. Influencers have managers that shop them out with brands. They also all have attorneys and accountants. Some influencers are making anywhere from $5,000 – $75,000 a post to promote a brand or a product. How much they are paid is based on how many followers they have. There are even specializations within influencing (preppy, beauty guru, fundamentalist religion, fitness, curly hair, books, fashion, I could go on).
all about eevee
If you are really interested in the financial side of this, check out Ingrid Nielsen’s interview on The Financial Diet. She was a huge YouTube influencer and she was very open about what she made influencing.
Anon
Like the accountants really go in and say “we have verified that all 1M followers are not from a bot farm and are actual identifiable people not all from a 12YO kid in a basement pretending to be 20K people and spending all day clicking the like button.” Because that would make accounting cool enough for my kids to consider it (or “internet detective”).
I am a reader, so if your kids like Roblox, there S-1 is a fun read :)
all about eevee
I think the managers handle that, not the accountants.
Anonymous
It’s just 21st century advertising. People don’t read magazines or newspapers like they used to; people get around tv ads with streaming services or DVR; ad blockers run on websites, so what do you do if you’re a company? You have Jill the Decorating Maven paint her house with Ben Moore paint or whatever.
Anonymous
This. Yesterday’s cooking column in the local newspaper is today’s foodie influencer with brand sponsorship from a baking pan company.
Monday
Well put. Even podcast advertising more or less uses an influencer model, in the sense that often the ads are read by the hosts themselves, and the hosts are supposed to talk about their own use of the product and use the same tone and style that they use for the actual podcast.
No Face
Yep. In the 1990s, I read about fashion trends in magazines. I haven’t read a single one of them in years, but I look at this blog most days of the week. I barely ever see car commercials because I usually watch ad-free streaming services. I don’t follow mommy bloggers normally, but I read so many mommy blog posts and youtube videos about different car makes/models when I was purchasing a car.
Anon
Haha yes I remember subscribing to Lucky magazine which was an actual shopping magazine and didn’t even pretend to have real articles like Glamour and Mademoiselle
Anon
I’m the target demographic for many of these influencers (in my 20s, living in a big city, disposable income) and I hate, hate, hate influencing. I know it’s inevitable now, but I hate the highlight reel view of their lives, I hate that the lifestyle they show is unattainable for many (they’re getting absurdly expensive things for free but acting like it’s normal which leads so many young women spend way too much trying to keep up with the Jones’s) I hate the overconsumption. I hate that many blogs/Instagrams that used to be about xyz hobby or interest are now overrun with influencing.
Anon
The craziest ones are the families that are paid millions to have their kids unbox toys and stuff like that.
See also, video game streamers.
Monday
Oh, the craziest ones IMO are the people who seem to get a dog/get married/have a kid/have more kids because it boosts their engagement numbers. Read about the Stauffer family giving up their adoptive son for an example of how far this can go.
I also read about the kids of the earliest influencers (then mostly bloggers) who are starting to come of age and being resentful or even litigious about how their parents used their images in childhood without any meaningful consent.
I guess I am into this topic! The novel “Followers” is an interesting take on it, though the ending disappointed me.
anon
Influencers aren’t anything new — blogging has been happening forever now — but they’ve certainly become prolific in the past couple of years. And thanks to the ‘gram, the art quality and slickness has skyrocketed. They sell a lifestyle and show “authenticity” (barf), which makes it easier to sell sponsored products to their followers. So-called normal people are facilitating lifestyle inflation for many. I do see it as slightly more harmful than traditional advertising. We always knew that what we saw in magazines and TV wasn’t real or obtainable for most. Now that influencers have a social-media relationship with their followers, it feels a lot different, more personal somehow. And it works. That’s why companies work with influencers. People tune out companies all the time, but they will listen to a “real person.” I use that term really lightly; influencers are advertisers, plain and simple, even if they have decent content otherwise.
Anonanonanon2
Gocleanco who is, I guess, and cleaning influencer? has a highlight reel (or it’s buried in highlight reel I cant remember) where they cleaned an influencer’s house and it was NASTY. It was a very interesting peek behind the curtain!
Shelle
They’re influencing me at least clothing-wise. I love looking at clothes on fashionable celebrities to get ideas. I also have a Vogue subscription but as we’re saying here, fashion has become very democratized and I’ll usually see it in my IG feed before I read about it in a magazine. Influencers promote other hobbies, too.I remember the bread baking trend in the spring was all over my husband’s internet feeds since he’s into cooking. You mentioned travel is your hobby, and I definitely notice influencers tend to pick trendy locations if you have noticed this influencing where you travel (New Zealand, Croatia, Iceland so much Iceland, Morocco)?
Anon
I get very influenced my makeup and skincare tik tokkers but I don’t mind because seeing someone actually applying stuff, especially makeup, is so much more helpful to me than a print ad.
Anonanonanon
Capitol Hill Style had a good blog post maybe last week on the business of blogging (and I would count her as an influencer). She says she makes mid five figures from blogging right now, down from some years. It was super fascinating.
anon
I’ve got a package coming from L’Occitane via USPS – status says sitting in NJ facility, Acceptance Pending for past 3 days – this was a 2 day Priority Mail package shipped on December 6. You can’t get through to the USPS to find out what’s happening. I can order the items again via Amazon and likely will get them sooner….what would you do? Its not an urgent gift and doesn’t matter too much if it is delayed, but what to do? Other packages arriving via UPS and FedEx are pretty much on time….ugh USPS
Anon
Obviously there’s been mismanagement at the top levels of the USPS this year, but they’ve gotten slammed by so many more packages than normal, since most holiday shopping is being done online this year.
I know it’s frustrating that packages are delayed but I really feel for the postal workers this year. Their (already unpleasant) job is even harder this year and they’re facing the ire of everyone.
Anon
If it’s not an urgent gift, then who cares? We are in the middle of a holiday season during a global pandemic – something that has never happened before. I’m honestly impressed that package delivery is going as well as it is.
Anon
+1
LaurenB
+1 … and now additional capacity is being shunted to the vaccine.
Anon
Seriously.
Flats Only
Pardon the paywall on this, but here’s why:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2020/12/15/postal-service-holiday-packages-delays/
Postal service is overwhelmed, as FedEx and UPS have cut off some major retailers, so all those packages are defaulting to USPS. Please have some pity – they are giving their delivery people TWO EIGHT HOUR ROUTES to complete per day. No wonder they are backed up.
Anon
This is what I was coming to post. Read the article. Explains everything. This is a time for sympathy and patience.
FWIW, I had documents overnighted to me via UPS on Friday – Florida to Virginia – and they’re still not here yet. (I told the sending party they really ought to get into the 21st century with e-sign.)
Anon
This is what scares me! I totally understand Christmas packages and the like being delayed. I worry about people that are waiting on their mail order meds or legal documents that unfortunately still go by mail only. I have a few courts in my state still doing everything by paper. We can’t even trust two-day or overnight mail. We are going to be sending couriers.
There should be a priority line for critical infrastructure shipments (particularly medical) separate and apart from the regular packages.
Anon
Yep, my mom is on mail-order meds and hers are delayed. We have made a personal choice not to order anything nonessential through the mail until after Christmas. The frustration of trying to track things down is not really worth it, and if I order makeup or something for funsies that may keep someone’s meds from getting to them on time. We’re doing a DIY remodel of our living room as a Christmas present for ourselves (meaning my husband and I) and the teenager is getting gift cards, as are my parents. If anyone is planning on shipping gifts and has not already done it, I would get on that now.
Anon
I was walking around 9pm the other night and saw the mailman still delivering! I have a relative who is a mailman who is working 13ish hour days, 6 days a week regularly now.
I know a lot of us work long hours too – but we’re (mostly) working those hours indoors and not out in the snow/rain/cold, we’re not doing physical labor, we have access to bathrooms and kitchens. And, you’re probably paid better.
They’re so slammed and I feel so bad for them. I know people blame top level USPS management for a lot, but locally I’ve seen lots of Facebook posts of folks blaming the local post office and mail carriers and it makes me so angry! It’s not their fault and they’re working so hard!!
I’m trying to do the little I can to ease their burden – I’ve done as much as my Christmas shopping in person as possible and I’ll leave a gift card and a nice note for them as a Christmas tip (common in my region, but saw on a thread here not common everywhere). I know that those suggestions don’t work for everyone, but I’d encourage everyone to be patient and understanding with the USPS this year. If it’s not an urgent delivery so what, just wait it out until it comes.
Anon
Yes. People are so angry on my town’s FB about misdirected packages. I live in a small town. It takes 10 minutes tops to deliver it to the correct house instead of sending it back into the system. Luckily, some people on the town page are doing the right thing (delivering misdelivered packages themselves) and some are even offering to do it for others if they really can’t do it for some reason. Yes it is frustrating but it could be your neighbor’s only Christmas present. Just walk it over!
anne-on
YES! We’re leaving a tip for our mail carrier (gift card and cash) early (today) – as a child of parents who sometimes had to wait till right before Xmas to get paid enough to shop for gifts, try to tip early! Mail carriers are working SO hard and I am in awe of how well they are handling the unprecedented flow of packages this year.
Anonanonanon2
This is such an excellent point (tip early so it can be used on gifts) and I’m embarrassed I didn’t think of it sooner.
Side note- how much do yall tip your mail person? Also we seem to have more than one (we live in an area with Sunday delivery etc) and I have no idea how to catch them both or what their schedules are
Anon
A friend of the family story – he’s in college and was looking for a part time job. Got one delivering parcels for the post office, so not the regular route letter carrier, but the guy that drives the little truck and brings boxes to your house. He was scheduled for 3-4 half days per week when he took the job. They cut his training period short and put him right onto delivery. It was late summer (September/October timeframe in Northern CA) and we had poor air quality due to the fires. He was in an open, non-air conditioned truck and required to wear a heavy uniform. Despite his part time schedule, they kept calling him in on his days off, compliance with which was mandatory, so he ended up working every day of the week, including Sundays, and 8+ hours each day.
He complained and said that he couldn’t do a full time job and college at the same time, which is why he took a part time job. They apologized and said it would stop, but the very next day they called him in again on his day off. Again, mandatory. He eventually quit and bad to quit on the spot because he was about to fail one of his classes.
They really are an understaffed, disorganized mess. I’m surprised we receive mail at all.
Anon
This is a quasi-governmental organization that has been set up to fail (weird rules about retirement funding, the expectation that it will be profitable while providing a public service, etc) that provides an essential service (the only way to get medication in many rural areas!) that’s experiencing a 30% increase in workload during a global pandemic.
Things might be late. It happens. I wish people would treat the USPS and other service workers with more patience and grace this year.
Anon
Me too. And seriously the daily posts whining about it are not necessary.
Anon
So you think OP was whining? – OP asked hive if would you reorder same items from Amazon…there were no comments from OP about the postal workers. Read the post before you make critical comments.
Anon
“Ugh USPS” made it sound like she was complaining about the USPS
Anon
I ordered something 11/29 that was originally scheduled for delivery on 12/6 via USPS. It’s just sitting somewhere in Kentucky. Shurg. It’s not urgent, this year is bonkers, and we’re getting 18 inches of snow overnight. I’ll let it ride for another few weeks, post holiday rush before I contact the company. Taking a picture of the gift or printing something from the order page and stuffing it in a gift bag so the recipient can open something. It’s about all you can do.
No Problem
This could be a problem with USPS, or it could be a problem with L’Occitane. “Acceptance Pending” generally means the retailer created the shipping label but it hasn’t gotten into USPS’s possession yet. My mom had a similar status notification from a different retailer and the thing just never left the retailer’s warehouse. Might be worth a call to L’Occitane customer service.
anon
OP here….thank you for your note. I called L’Occitane and waited 20 minutes and talked to customer service. They apologized for the delay (even though it left their facility and the package has moved twice in the USPS system) and they are resending the order free of charge. Good job L’Occitane – that is good retail customer service.
Anon
Just an FYI, even Amazon package shipping is backed up and I would not assume you would get it sooner. I would also not reorder to try to do your part or not overburden the system that I fear is at a breaking point, if it’s not time sensitive.
Anonymous
It’s frustrating to me that this is literally the only service where you can pay for 2-day service and they’re like “meh, a week will do.” If you can’t do what you say, then don’t charge me for it.
Anon
I sent all my best knives off to Knife Aid for sharpening. Usually I get an automated email telling me my package has been picked up, has been delivered to their facility, etc. But this time I heard nothing. I put them in the mail (USPS) on December 10 and got no tracking updates, nothing. It’s like USPS didn’t scan them at all.
I was kind of freaking out because that’s like $500 worth of knives, and more than that, knives I really love and would have a hard time ever replacing. But finally today I got an email from Knife Aid saying they were sharpened and on their way back. Whew!
None of this is Knife Aid’s fault and I still really like them. And I’m not really mad at USPS. They’re slammed, the cuts the Cheeto made to try to stop or at least hamper mail in voting have lasting effects and none of us should be surprised this is happening.
Coach Laura
I mailed three Priority boxes to the same address at the same time from the same post office last Friday (it was cheaper that way). One was delivered Monday, one was delivered Tuesday and the third is in limbo somewhere. I hope it will eventually get there. Of course, that is the one that has two sentimental Christmas decorations of sentimental value that are not replaceable so I’m hoping for success.
Hope
This will out me but idc. My sister is an ICU physician and was the first to get vaccinated this morning at her hospital. She has three kids at home – 7, 1 and 3 months. I am so, so proud of her and the way she worked through the pandemic and her pregnancy. She fully trusts the vaccine and was grateful to get it. Hope is on the horizon, friends. Hang in there.
Curious
My cousin’s hospital in DC started getting vaccines (he’s an ER nurse) and you cannot understate the joy and relief in our family.
Anonymous
How would this out you? It’s great news but it’s def anonymous.
Anon
it depends, maybe her sister was on the news and they mentioned that the doc has 3 young children?
Anonymous
There are plenty of female ICU doctors with young children :)
Anon
agreed! but i don’t know how many of them are/were literally the first in their hospital to get the vaccine? seems like that qualifier would narrow the pool quite a bit. some hospitals a nurse has gone first, other times a different physician, etc.
Lilliet
Maybe she posted in a particular facebook group as well ;-) I’m excited for your sister and love that you are bragging about her, and spreading the Hope!
Hope
Haha, bingo. It’s just been such a rough year. If we can just hold on a little longer, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
DCJ
I saw the FB group post too! So awesome, Hope. Your sister is a rockstar!
Anonymous
How common do you think female ICU doctors with 3 kids including an infant and who have a sister are? This could totally out someone.
Anon
Um, very? Is this a joke?
Anonymous
+1 I know someone who fits this description exactly, so it’s at least somewhat common. I would say most hospitals have at least one doctor who fits that description.
Anonymous
I hope it’s a joke.
Anon
Right?! People always post the vaguest things, then worry they have outed themselves. They’re really not that unique.
Anonymous
She was the first physician at her hospital, in her country, to get the vaccine.
Anonymous
That is still 100% anonymous.
Anonymous
It’s a joke. Everyone always says “in my country”
Anon
so happy for your sister and your family. i cannot imagine the stress she was under during her pregnancy and whoa having a 1 year old and a 3 month old. she is superwoman!
Anon
Your sister is awesome!
Senior Attorney
That’s wonderful! Congratulations to her and thanks to her for her hard work!!
Anon
Good news! Thanks for sharing.
anon
This is so great. I’ll be back of the line for the vaccine which of course I’m fine with, but I’m also pregnant so it will be a difficult decision whether to get it before giving birth (mid-July, so it could be a long time before I can get the vaccine). I was encouraged to see that the approval of the vaccine didn’t exclude pregnant/b-feeding women but instead lets them make their own decisions. At this time I’m able to stay really isolated so I’ll just wait and see. I really want my 77 year old mom to get it soon though.
Anon
I’m an essential worker (1b category) and was told to not get my hopes up until mid spring, fwiw
Anonanonanon2
Same. I’m 1b (public health responder but not patient-facing) and I’m guessing March-ish for my first dose
Coach Laura
Congrats to your sister – I hope it fully protects her and her family too (although who knows if that part works). My daughter is an ICU RN at a large urban hospital and spends most shifts in the covid room. She’s scheduled to get hers Monday as she is younger and less at risk than some of her coworkers.
My son is an MD resident, and all the residents at his urban hospital are assigned to the ICU on a 10-day on, 10-day off schedule where they do something else for the other 10 days. He’s supposed to get his next week too, but is similarly young and lower risk.
My baby brother is an ER MD, and is super high risk because he has a blood cancer and he too has young kids at home, two of whom are disabled. He’s at University of Utah which has had full ICUs for weeks. He is supposed to get his tomorrow. When he gets his I will be overjoyed.
Anon
Do rothys stretch out at all? I bought a pair earlier this year and they’re a little too tight in the toes (I have the pointed toe ones) but going to the post office is a hassle (no car and the nearest one is a few miles away but not on a public transportation route) even without a pandemic
Sunshine71
Nope, they do not stretch. You’ll want to size up. Many people get one whole size up from their street size but some go even 1.5 sizes up.
Lilliet
From my understanding, if you get the pointy ones, sizing up is almost necessary. I have the rounded toe ones and did not need to.
Anon
Darn. I already sized up a full size and they’re still tight.
Lilliet
Sorry! This does not surprise me, several friends did at least two exchanges. It’s pervasive enough that I think they need to update their sizing or provide a lot more clarity on sizing/fit.
Anon
Maybe try the wool ones. They have a little more give to them.
Anonymous
They don’t stretch. I am a 7.5-8 in most shoes, and I wear an 8.5 in the pointed toe ones.
PNW
Someone had asked for an update on my Airbnb “Virtual Mt. Fuji Hike”. I did it last night, and it was a hoot. I booked it as a birthday present for my daughter, who is a Japanese language major and has traveled to Japan and hopes to return. We are both hikers. She’s on the opposite side of the country from me, so this was the only way we will be able to spend some time together. The host was very knowledgeable and entertaining. It was a photo tour, not just of the mountain but of all the things you would encounter if you were really hiking to the summit, so we went through our gear, took a bus to the parking area, saw all the hiker’s huts, the ramen they serve for snacks, where you can get your card stamped along the route, etc. We finished the hike to the summit in darkness so we could arrive just as the sun rose. At the end we got a certificate with our photos on it!
I’m so impressed with the innovative response these guides have had to being unable to do their in person tours. Airbnb has tons of experiences like this that you can book. I’m going to do another one with my 87 year old dad, possible a tour of a bee farm in Portugal. Especially with time off coming in the next few weeks, it is an alternative to Netflix. It seems kind of silly, because really it was just 90 minutes of looking at someone else’s photos, but in these “uncertain times” it was really a highlight.
Senior Attorney
That sounds so fun! Thanks for the update!
Anonymous
If you had a grown adult (age 45) sibling who seemed angry ALL THE TIME except when working and was affirmatively being rude to your parents who are hurt by it, would you say anything/try to figure out why or is it more of a parent-child relationship with the other child?
She can live how she wants, doesn’t bother me but she is just so ANGRY as we’re seeing all being in one space with my parents for the holidays (variety of reasons for combining households for a few weeks with older parents who have had it with the pandemic). She basically doesn’t talk to anyone unless she’s yelling at or lecturing them. The older parents are well — older; they sit around talking about doctors appointments WEEKS in advance and she’ll criticize them for making such a big deal and having nothing else in their lives; they’ll be befuddled and go on about why some 3rd cousin they haven’t seen in 50 years added them to an online message group — instead of just declining the invite. The type of thing that all older parents do. And when she isn’t yelling, it’s silent treatment which is REALLY starting to bother them A LOT. And then to me she’ll rant about how messed up their relationship is (uh it’s a typical immigrant arranged marriage from yester year, it’s not outwardly lovey dovey) or how we never grew up in a happy home (again immigrant home – there were financial stresses and stresses of parents who were starting all over) or how she and I have a messed up relationship (well yeah I’m not your mother, I’m not going to be yelled at). I feel like she uses these things as blame — like why wouldn’t I be angry, looked what a messed up situation we came from. (We really didn’t, 2 parent home, nice suburb with good schools that got us into good colleges, solid middle class; we didn’t have the best of things, didn’t take vacations etc. but my parents came to the US later in life and were saving hard to pay a lot for both of our ivy degrees, saving for retirement etc.)
For context age 45, single (and I’m NOT suggesting that is a reason — I’m older and single too as are many others who aren’t angry), works 70+ hours a week in a management job; I can’t tell if the job requires the hours or if she prefers them as it’s a bit of lifestyle industry but she gets edgy if she DOESN’T have to work so she definitely prefers to work 1+ days on the weekend. Weird thing is she’ll scream at everyone/give the silent treatment at night but during the day if you cross paths on a 2 min break during the remote work day, she’ll be nice!?
What do I even say here? Or nothing and just get thru the next 10-15 days? It has just ruined the atmosphere of the holidays.
Anonymous
Just go home and spend the holidays as you please.
Anon
Maybe not relevant, but in case it is: my chemical depression never manifested as mopeyness or weepiness; it was constant irritation and annoyance with everyone, everything, everywhere, all the time. A pill a day, and I’m now 1950s-sitcom-housewife-happy 98% of the time. Better living through pharmaceuticals is real.
Anonanonanon2
Yep. My clinical depression manifests similarly to PMS. I’m not grumpy, everyone around me is dumb and wrong and horrible and inconsiderate (in my head, obviously).
Anonymous
Same!
anon
Same here. This is the case throughout my family. Irritation, hypersensitivity and reactiveness to received slights, annoyance, judgment, lack of patience, anger, lashing out, pushing people away, via silent treatment or otherwise.
Anonymous
+1 – she sounds like she is depressed.
Anonymous
Could you write a note to her with an invitation to have a discussion — vs. just having a discussion. Lay out your concerns — for her and your parents and your relationship with her. That way she could have a chance to digest what you are saying instead of reacting right away.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have the best relationship with my only sibling — an older brother — he tends to yell more than he speaks at certain times — and its hard to figure it out.
Anonymous
I would say something, esp. given that you are currently in the same household and witness the mistreatment of tour parents. I would probably start by pulling her aside and asking what the deal is and telling her she can’t keep.treating people this way. If nothing changes, I would start intervening when she is being cruel so your parents see you’ve got their back and feel some agency to respond to your sister.
Green tea
I mean…. it’s so obvious she is probably exhausted and depressed, I am a little surprised by your question.
If you really want to help, I would quietly take her aside one day, early in the day, and ask her to take a walk. Or sit with her and have a calm cup of coffee. And really ask her how she is doing? And just listen. Don’t criticize. Don’t try to solve her problems. Just tell her you are a little worried about her… is there something going on?
Her work is insane. She doesn’t have friends/support network. We’re in a quarantine and life is insane. She is single (maybe she doesn’t want to be). She could be having perimenopause. She may have some seasonal affective disorder.
In this scenario, I would start a tradition of getting her out for a tiny walk with you during the day in the sunlight if you can. Try to do something fun with her, like cook a meal together with the family. Maybe by her a happy light for Christmans.
And then after being supportive for a week, sit down with her again and tell her you are very worried about her, and suggest she check in with her doctor.
Anonymous
I mean I get it but I know her answers already — walk, no it’s too cold; coffee — no I’m busy. She would NEVER cook together. Any questions of — are you ok — will be met with yes, huff out of room; or what do you care, we have no relationship. Thing is SHE has made it come to the point where she has no relationship with anyone except work (and we all know that work isn’t a real relationship — they could get rid of you anytime and it’s not like she’s even made friends at work that she hangs out with or texts with or anything, it is literally about just the next spreadsheet). This small aging nuclear family is the ONLY relationship there is and she is pushing that away too . . . So yeah I guess when I think about it big picture, I am worried (as well as annoyed at being around a screamer).
Green tea
So…. can you just tell her … you do care? And just sit with her?
Do you?
It’s up to you.
Sometimes, you can use a different approach…. ask her for advice/help/tell her about something worrying to you. Sometimes it can be a starting point.
But unfortunately, I have been through some brutal times in my life where I am sorry to say I have behaved in some of the bad ways your sister is behaving. And I was deeply, deeply depressed. And honestly, most people did not care.
Anon
I would say something. She may have reasons, they may be valid, but that doesn’t excuse being a jerk to you and if she’s got beef with your parents, this is obviously not the way to deal with it.
Anon
Absolutely say something, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the victim. It’s no way for you or your parents to live and will become even more of an issue if you don’t say something. Saying something nicely would be a kind approach but she doesn’t seem to provide much suggestion of responding well to that, at least in any sustained way. Just be prepared either way not to care to a great extent about her possible selfish, immature, self-pitying response based on current behavior. I’m sorry if she’s u happy, but even more sorry you and your parents have to deal with it! If she’s willing to get help, awesome, but if not…I’m sorry you’re on the receiving end of this!
Anon
Specific to your sister: if she is 45, single, and working 70+ hour weeks, she may DEEPLY resent using her limited vacation time on family drama. It is very much a “thing” that if you don’t have a family of your own, your family of origin expects that you will spend your holidays with them. Some people adore their parents and this works; others want to be treated like an adult already or do their own thing.
Even if she is given, say, four weeks of vacation, the demands of her job may mean that it’s hard to really disconnect except for a small time each year. She may not have the bandwidth to deal with your parents during that time.
Specific to me, I was accused a few days ago of “angry one-sided outbursts.” The exact situation is that I set a boundary that should not need to be set (i.e. treat me with basic manners and do not talk about my body). That boundary was repeatedly violated. When I re-established the boundary (“I told you that this is not an appropriate thing to say to me,”) she pouted to my husband that she did not know I was so “sensitive” about my weight.
I went no-contact for about six months and at the end, explained calmly the problem. (“My body is not a topic of conversation. I am not willing to let you discuss my weight or my looks any more.” Helps if you know I’m a postpartum size 6, maybe 8, and she’s been telling me I was fat since I was a size 0 high school student. She has consistently weighed between 40 and 70 pounds more than I do.) She did not disagree, then went on hyper body-shame mode, sending a picture of me around to extended family, talking about how fat I am postpartum and it must be because I am 5 months pregnant and due in March.
So I read her an epic riot act. This was apparently a “one sided angry outburst” and she “deserves better.” Sure, sweetheart. Whatever helps your toxic self sleep at night. There are people who find a reasonable person to needle and needle and needle and needle and when the last needle provokes an explosion, sit back, pop the big blue eyes wide open, and play victim.
Anonymous
My family was treating me like a child for a while so I went no contact and I think it helped them learn I was a grown adult and to treat me as such.
Anon
It also makes life very difficult with other people; it’s hard to get people to treat you like an adult when your family really pushes for you to be treated like a dumb kid.
Anon
OP’s sister is acting like a petulant teenager, though.
Anonymous
You have been posting about your living situation on a weekly basis for months. The way you portray your sister is exactly how you have been coming off with your constant questions about dealing with intrusive parents with no boundaries and anxieties and untreated depression. We all told you not to move in with your parents earlier this year. Be honest, how exactly did you expect this would play out? You need more help than this board can give.
Anonymous
Huh? I’ve literally never posted this before. Nor has this been my living situation for months as I arrived about 4 days ago? I think more than one person tends to post on the internet.
Anon
I don’t recall seeing any posts like this one before. You need to take a chill pill.
Anon
You know, if someone posting about their particular problem pisses you off this much, I think that’s a you problem. No one is forcing you to read.
Anon -- COVID exposure / testing Q
Ugh — it finally came, the “you have been exposed to someone who tested positive” call. I think I know who it was and agree with the call saying that I was in the presence of a person who tested + (while I was wearing a disposable medical-style mask myself) for something like < 5 minutes. [I go out so rarely that this is easy to figure out.]
Obviously, it is too soon to get tested (this is < 24 hours from contact; it makes me a bit stabby that some who I guess was awaiting test results was out and about, saying nothing about this). In the meantime, should I cancel everything (kids' medical appointment) this week and get tested . . . over the weekend? Monday?
[I could cancel everything for the next 2 weeks, but I go out many times a day to walk the dog and would prefer to know if I'm sick / not sick b/c the dog is kind of social and likes to interact with his dog friends in the hood. I could walk him off-schedule a bit for today.]
Anon
yes you should cancel kids medical appointments this week. as ridiculous as it is that someone who was waiting test results was out and about by going to your medical appointments you are almost doing the same thing
Anonymous
I’m sorry, I wish I had some idea what to tell you. I got one of those emails from my son’s school last week. Informing me that they had been exposed OVER ONE WEEK AGO and that the quarantine period should have started over one week ago and would now be ending on Friday, no test necessary. Like … what? We should’ve been isolating that whole time but since we’re only now finding out he’s still been going to school, I’ve been to the grocery store, etc. No wonder we are nowhere close to getting on top of this. It is difficult to think how we could have handled this more poorly.
Anonymous
This just sucks. It has happened to me multiple times by co-workers, who sadly were still going to happy hour. Fortunately I did not get it any of the times but exposure to someone who tests positive is life disrupting. If you are in the US, cancel everything and self-quarantine for 7 days and test at the end of 7 days, which is the current CDC guidance. If you don’t have access to testing, it is a 10 day self quarantine if no symptoms. If you are outside the US, follow whatever guidance your country has. If you don’t, you are potentially putting others in the same position if you end up testing positive.
LaurenB
It’s my understanding that the time to test is 5 days after exposure; a negative test prior to then doesn’t mean anything as the virus hasn’t replicated / grown (that may not be the scientific term).
Anonymous
Yes, you should cancel everything, not interact with anyone on dog walks, and wear a mask when you step outside your door. Seek guidance from your physician on the timing of testing. Good luck…
Anon
In my state, you wouldn’t be considered as exposed and need to quarantine as you were only with the person under 5 minutes. Has to be within 6 feet for more than 15 minutes.
Juniper
Happy holidays, ladies! I have a bit of random question. My resolution in 2021 is to build more of a “personal brand” and more recognizability at work. This came up because my boss, a ~55 year old white man, can’t tell me apart from the only other Asian woman in our ~35 person office. (We look nothing alike, are in totally different functions, and have both been at the firm for 3+ years.) I’m front office and really want to start dressing like I’m more senior than I am. I don’t know if it is wearing more dresses or cutting my hair short or what, but any advice / tips would be much appreciated!
Anon
I think this is not a “you” problem, it is a “your boss” problem.
Anon
“Make my boss less racist” is not a workable resolution.
Senior Attorney
OMG that’s so gross. Agree that you should take your personal brand out of there.
Jeffiner
There is another woman on my team, and some people can’t tell us apart. Our boss and immediate coworkers can, but we interact with a lot of other people in the company. We are both white and have brown hair, but that’s where the similarities end. We also dress very differently. I guess its a know your office, and your boss, thing, but what’s been most effective for us is to call people out and give them a rough time for mixing us up.
If you want to dress differently, go for it, but the men in my office remember being teased more than what I wear.
Coach Laura
I’m replying late but yes, this is not a you problem, it’s a racist dumb boss problem. Advice would have to be tailored to your office, know your culture etc. It also depends on the industry. Is there anyone who could be a mentor or sponsor for you – perhaps someone one-two levels above on a different team or a manager in a different division? A woman would be good if possible to advise you on how to dress. What to wear is so office dependent, region and industry specific. Upping the quality of your wardrobe and spending time to get a hairstyle that looks polished would help. But you may need to do things like joining a task force or committee, taking on a highly visible project or doing special research but all that is too specific for me to advise.
Flats Only
Sounds to me like a combo of depression (when I am depressed I find people SO IRRITATING. I don’t usually actually yell, but I really want to), burnout from high stress/long hours job, and stress at being cooped up with you and your parents, who she is finding SO IRRITATING. Does she have to stay? Can you and your folks tell her it seems like she’ll be happier at her own home and she should go there? I don’t know what the long holiday visit was supposed to accomplish, but it sounds like it’s turning out unpleasant for everyone.
Anon
A few weeks ago there were some comments about how high quality supplements, I think it was fish oil specifically, made an impact in that user’s overall health and wellbeing, which got me intrigued. Are there other high quality supplements that make a difference or is this 2020 marketing taking advantage of the “wellness” trend? I’ve been getting ads for things like Seed probiotics and some of those custom vitamin packs, things like that. Any of it worth it?
Cb
I’ve been taking magnesium and saw a marked decline in restlessness and kicking (as did my husband, who is on the receiving end of my kicks). But I just bought the cheap one at the vitamin store. I’m not convinced most of these things are significantly better. They just have better branding.
Anon
I agree. The details do matter: magnesium oxide is not magnesium threonate, which is not magnesium potassium aspartate, biglycinate, or malate. Whether it’s extended release or not is a real difference. Some truly sketchy brands have been found not to contain the listed ingredients, which is a problem. But there are often not that many manufacturers total, so different brands are typically selling the same product from the same manufacturer at wildly different price points and perhaps with different cosmetics or inactive ingredients.
Anon
I’m someone who is pretty healthy (I like working out and several outdoor activities; I eat pretty well but still love pizza too much) and even in my 20s I’m very focused on aging well but I have no academic or professional background in anything and I’m naturally very distrustful of wellness trends (especially when touted by influencers).
My method is to go with the tried and true approach- so I take the genetic orange woman’s one a day vitamin instead of the custom ones, for example.
I’m just too distrustful of the new wellness industry
Anonanonanon2
I have autoimmune disease and do not absorb Vitamin D very well. My doctor told me to take it and, to be honest, I thought it was BS because it’s just VITAMINS but woah it made a huge difference once my levels were normal!! I feel like it can’t hurt for most people to take vitamin D in the winter?
I added a B complex vitamin and noticed a difference as well.
These are just from the grocery store, though.
Anon
Many people and sometimes even doctors have this “just vitamins” reaction, but honestly essential nutrients are the ones without which we get sick or die. Scurvy, pellagra, pernicious anemia, beri beri, rickets… these are not things we want to mess around with, at all!
Anonanonanon2
I know, I was so embarrassed by my resistance afterward (I had to be put on prescription Vitamin D for twelve weeks before getting to transition to the store stuff). It’s like my doctor went to very specialized schooling and professional training to know what blood test to order and what to do with the results!
A lot of B vitamins are essential to nervous system health and I was borderline low on some of those so I added them and really did notice a difference.
anne-on
Super pale white person who wears sunblock daily year round and lives in MA = (shockingly!) super low in Vitamin D! I feel MUCH better when I take a fairly high level year round.
Anon
“It’s just vitamins” is like “It’s just oxygen.” If you are not deficient, it’s not an issue at all and more won’t help… if you are deficient, you’re in for a very, very rough ride.
Anon
Quality matters a ton for fish oil because it’s from fish and not synthetic. I don’t think this can be extrapolated to other vitamins.
In general, there are often options. Some people want naturally occurring forms of vitamins they take, whether food based or lab created to be indistinguishable from what could occur in food; other people prefer forms that have received more research since they’re new and patented and needed the research before being brought to market.
I have some medical conditions that require treatment with supplements, and it’s honestly very case-by-case for me.
Anonymous
I’d highly recommend algae omegas instead of fish based ones. There is no risk of heavy metal poisoning unlike with fish and they don’t cause unnecessary damage to our oceans!
Anon
Interesting; is there one in particular that you’re happy with?
Anonymous
Personally I take Nature’s Science Vegab Omega 3 with EPA and DHA available at Costco
Anon
Any recommendations for fish oil? I remember there were a few specifics suggested a while back but I am having trouble finding the thread.
Anon
I went with Nordic Naturals. (I don’t absolutely have to have fish oil, but it’s supposed to be good for ADHD so my psychiatrist recommended it. I mostly take it to supplement my diet since I don’t always eat fish or flax, etc.)
Nordic Naturals famously failed a Consumer Reports freshness test once (my understanding is that the big concern with fish oil is spoilage/going rancid since it’s just so perishable, and rancid oil is counterproductive), but then Consumer Reports reevaluated and concluded that an inactive ingredient (lemon oil) was altering the test result and that they were fine. So I guess that was good enough for me. It is expensive though.
anne-on
I take the Sporrts Research Omega-3 Wild Alaska Fish Oil. Night and day difference between this and the much cheaper Trader Joes version even at the same size dose. I love Trader Joes and did not want it to be true but oh well
Anon
I’ve had bad luck with supplements, even when I chose a higher-end formula. A B complex gave me awful cystic acne, two kinds of multi both gave me almost-need-an-urgent-care-visit constipation. Now I just focus on a veg-based diet with low fat and low sodium.
Anon
+1 eating a “colorful plate” diet cures a lot of ills.
anne-on
Maybe me? I’m taking fish oil on my doctor’s advice (fairly large dosages) to help with joint pain and I was honestly shocked at how much it helped my migraine intensity and general brain fuzziness (the migraine stupids as I call them). I’m a sample size of one but it was enough of a difference to make those a daily must take for me.
Anon
Ah yes the migraine stupids. I know them well.
Jane
DINK stuck home on 10 “vacation” days around Christmas and new year’s. Been already doing all the reading, cooking, organizing etc we could over the last zillion weeks of this. If we don’t find some exciting ideas soon, we might end up filing for a divorce, and am only half kidding. WWYD?
Anon
There’s no reason you couldn’t take a day trip to somewhere outdoors and walk around – does the next town over do Christmas lights? what about a state park? historical village?
Anonymous
Is snowshoeing a possibility?
Anonymous
DH and I bought some puzzles and other games. We also have started doing at least one outside activity a day — so hiking, long walk, etc. We also have designated at least two hours a day in which we quietly do our own thing in different rooms (so headphones!). It has helped us get through too much time together (we are both very independent and used to spend significant time at work).
Anon
Maybe either together or separately you could do something for others. Take a meal to a friend who is working from home full time with no childcare/zoom school. Volunteer somewhere if you are ok with their COVID protocols. Pick something up for someone quarantined. Or do some remote work for an organization you are excited about.
Anonanonanon2
Not DINKS (DIKs I guess) but we’ve been channeling our energy into looking at our home and going “OK, if we were to put this on the market tomorrow, what would we need to do?” I know you’ve mentioned organizing but we’re also working on “staging” our home (finally buying something to hang in a bare spot, etc.) touching up paint, etc. Makes us feel like we’re doing something beneficial for our future in this uncertain time, I suppose.
anon
I’m doing all the Christmassy things, but it still doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. And I feel really sad about that. We won’t be getting together with family; it’ll be a very quiet holiday for our family of four. I am thankful we’re together, just sad about the toll that 2020 has taken on our psyches. Fingers crossed that with the vaccine being released, 2021 will slowly become more normal again.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Same. Not trying to start a pity party, but on top of everything else I am going through a divorce that I did not see coming. Between divorce and pandemic I will completely alone for the holidays and that was not what I was expecting. I’m doing my best to give up all my preconceived notions of what Christmas should look like and reframe it as Peaceful Time. On days that that works it’s pretty nice.
Senior Attorney
Hugs, Anon. I remember my first post-divorce Christmas (both times, ugh) and it’s just hard. No getting around it. Repeat after me: Next year at this time everything will be MUCH BETTER.
BeenThatGuy
+1000 Time is a great healer
Anon
Thank you
Anon
Given the above conversation about influencers and wellness:
Does anyone have recommendations for health/fitness/nutrition/wellness/outdoors blogs or Instagram accounts that are run by people who are actual professionals in that space (so like, Registered Dietitians, Certified Personal Trainers,etc)
Anon
I don’t know if this specifically is what you are looking for, but since you say “outdoors” … if anyone on here does not yet follow the National Park Service Insta, run, don’t walk, to do so. The person that runs it is hilarious and the pictures are stunning.
Anonymous
+1000
Sunshine
I don’t know what you’re looking for for content, but fannetasticfood run by Anne Mauney who is an RD and a blogger. Peanutbutterrunner also.
Anon
So I got air pods pros to use as a headset for conference calls, since I had heard that they had adjustable rubber thingies for better fit and I cannot for the life of me get these things to sit comfortably in my ears. The medium ones are uncomfortable, the small ones are maybe too small and they keep falling out of my ears. Is it just me? Do I have weird shaped ears? How do you guys exercise and move around with these things?
Juniper
My Airpod Pros also fall out really easily…they fit fine, but are not super secure. I do manage to use them at the gym and while running though, haven’t had issues there. It’s more if something hits them, they immediately pop out.
Anonanonanon2
fwiw I can’t have in-ear earphones. They also make me gag.
Anon
I think I may be suffering from something akin to PTSD from my very toxic first attorney job, which I left several years ago. When I get emails that I perceive as having even the slightest negative tone, I panic and shut down, feel physically ill, and delay responding as a means of self preservation, sometimes for a week or more, which then compounds the anxiety because I’m creating a secondary issue of not responding. This reaction is 100% unwarranted, and I know it, but its like my body and mind are conditioned from being berated regularly at former job. It’s been really bad in 2020 as my baseline level of anxiety is just…through the roof. Anyway I am wondering if anyone has experienced this, and what has helped? It’s been impossible to find a therapist, but I am thinking of trying BetterHelp. I am also on Lexapro, but I don’t think it’s helping.
Anon
Tele-health. I am still going through this and it has helped so much. It is PTSD and it’s a thing. In the workplace, you are stuck in the situation because your livelihood depends on it, so you end up putting up with far more cruelty than you would otherwise.
Anon
Recovering from work at a toxic law firm can take time (ask me how I know). Those horrible behaviors that were normalized in that environment take a long time not expect even when you are in a new place and people do not behave that way. Your mind is reacting and trying to protect itself like it is still in the threatening situation it was in before. However, what you now know you can expect after several years elsewhere is e-mails are not always or even usually an attack. For me, I adopted the mindset that if someone was upset or angry, they would tell me. If they did not directly tell that to me, then I was not going to assume the worst or start responding as though I was being attacked. Law is a tough field and people are often (rightfully) focused on being direct in their communications in order to get their point across clearly. With that in mind, generally, that will be the tone of an e-mail, and it is not personal or even a negative. If there is an actual problem, someone let you know it. It sounds like a good idea to seek therapy, as it has been years since your toxic job and you are still experiencing panic during workplace interactions. It will eventually get better, but the aftermath of toxic relationships, including work relationships, is hard to shake, unfortunately.
Anonymous
I don’t have a solution. But I will commiserate. I was legitimately afraid if my current boss for at least 6 months even though she’s the nicest human I have ever met. I was so traumatized by my previous boss I would flinch if my new boss walked quickly or spoke loudly.
Anon 2.0
Looking for some advice here. Does anyone have a personality that is more, dramatic, for lack of a better word who successfully toned it down? Professionally, I want to be known as a person who is calm, cool, and collected but I don’t think I come across that way currently . How do you learn to have a really good poker face and stay calm even when things are not going perfectly? I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve more and show my reaction to a situation. I am now in a job where being seen this way is more important and I could use some tips.
Anonymous
I think this is a good thing to work on. Since this often becomes an issue for negative emotions more than positive ones, I’d focus on practicing (like, practicing in front of a mirror) responses to setbacks that are calm and collected. You can do a lot with a pointed pause before critiquing someone else’s bad idea or with “I’m afraid I don’t agree…” during a tense disagreement. You can also practice things like waiting 10 minutes before sending an angry email.
Senior Attorney
I’ve had this issue my whole life. (I know, you’re all shocked!) One thing that has really helped has been to give a name to what I want to project: “Gravitas.” That’s not precisely what you are struggling with, so maybe your word could be “unflappable” or similar. Or just lean into “poker face.”
Good luck! It’s hard!
Anonanonanon2
Congratulations on being self-aware. I think that is such an important first step, and I’m not just saying that.
Pick someone who is really good at this and still manages to eventually convey their opinion and/or get their way and watch and learn from them. I have worked on this a lot over the years and watching people who are good at it was the most helpful thing. Also, learning when something is more successful as an “offline” post-meeting conversation with someone instead of RIGHT THEN in the meeting is a skill that takes time.
Pick some phrases to use and practice. Instead of “that’s not right! so and so said it’s actually this!” I go for “I asked so-and-so about this when we spoke yesterday, and my understanding is ____. I will reach back out to her to confirm that detail and follow up with you all.” (my way of saying I’m right, I have a source, and I’m gonna prove it!)
“My concern is…” is a sometimes-good opener.
Also, I’m an interrupter by nature, and I had to really work to control that.
Ask a Manager is a good resource. Even if you’re not a manager, reading her sample scripts or how she words thing helped me professionally.
Tea/Coffee
Oh, this is definitely me. I was just about “coached out” of my current role by Previous Boss for this. I have toned it down and Current Boss is aware of my tendencies but is much more comfortable with where I am.
Specifically, I was “too aggressive” – “too bitchy” – etc. i fully acknowledge that some of it was Imposter Syndrome overload; i was thrust into a role that I wasn’t quite ready for and had nobody to turn to and basically just had to muddle my way thru. The other part was, Previous Boss was a complete disaster.
Things that helped me:
– Calming down. Current Boss was the first one to acknowledge that I actually do seem to know what I am doing and don’t need to prove myself quite so HARD. lesson: take myself less seriously
– sometimes in really stressful situations where Aggressive Me tends to come out, I imagine that I am playing myself on TV. It removes me from the action, emotionally.
– i hate this, but i frequently find myself acting what I see as phony but apparently EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD just sees as friendly. So I intentionally tell myself “Turn on Fake Calm or Fake Happy or whatever” and it kinda works.
– meditation. It’s overplayed but it really does help me step outside myself.
– zoom has made me more aware of my tendency to interrupt. Not saying I’m better at NOT interrupting… but at least I’m becoming more aware of my tendencies and I promise I am trying to reign it in!