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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Ribbed Wrap Sweater

A white woman with long brown hair (face cropped out) wearing an off-white wrap sweater and black pants and carrying a black clutch

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Once the weather gets cold enough for the forecasters to start talking about the wind chill factor, my fashion philosophy goes from “dress for the job you want” to “dress for the coldest part of your commute.” Sometimes a girl just needs a cozy sweater to make it through a chilly December day! I came across this one on Amazon when I was looking for a wrap sweater to wear with skinny pants on more casual days in the office or leggings on WFH days.

This “apricot” color would be a great neutral, but it also comes in 10 other colors.

The sweater is $15.99–$37.99 at Amazon and comes in sizes S–XL.

This Old Navy sweater ($34.99) goes up to size 4X and is available in three colors. It also comes in petite and tall sizes.

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Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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366 Comments

  1. Is it a terrible idea to give notice at my current job before the background check for my new job is complete? I signed an offer letter earlier this week and the majority of my background check has since cleared. One of the county-level criminal checks is estimated to take at least another week. Some internet digging suggests it’s fairly typical for this particular county to take a while to process background checks.

    I have zero criminal record and have never even received a traffic violation. How foolish would it be for me to put in my two weeks notice at my current job before this final county-level check clears?

    1. I put in my notice for a job before my security clearance was processed. I’m not sure if it was smart but it worked out because obviously I knew I hadn’t done anything which would cause my clearance to be rejected.

    2. I would wait. Even though you have no criminal record, what if someone used your name, etc. and something actually came up on your record that’s not you? Something like that could take a long time to sort out, and who knows if your new employer would wait? To be safe, I’d definitely wait.

    3. I would wait for reasons that have nothing to do with your background check. It doesn’t seem like that long of a wait, and I would just be thinking about other things outside of the check – what if some sort of funding falls through in the meantime? Something that adjusts the budget that they can’t take on a new hire? I wouldn’t give notice until you have an official start date in writing.

    4. I would normally wait, but personally just went through this and didn’t. I was told the background check could take weeks and I didn’t want to wait on giving notice (since I’m taking time off between jobs)

      I was okay giving notice before the clearance only because a few years ago I did the full security clearance process and then 3 months ago I had to do a full background check so I knew that nothing funky would come up with someone using my name (and obviously I hadn’t done anything).

    5. I just did – I want to take off three weeks between current job and new job. my current job likes to grind people through the holidays, including working late on New Years Eve, and I’m done. I have not seen an instance as a hiring company, where we didn’t let someone help sort out a name discrepancy in background check, e.g., John Smyth having a record v. me, John Smith, not having one.

    6. I would not give the notice.

      I live in a small city that is the capitol of my state. A friend is a public defender, and she had a client with my exact first, middle, and last name (in a small city!) This person had a different birthday, but who knows how long a mistake would take to get sorted out.

      When I got my new job a few months ago, I actually told them I couldn’t agree on a start date until the background check was complete because I couldn’t give notice until I knew all the administrative hurdles were cleared. They were totally fine with that.

      1. Your friend, a lawyer, told you the complete first, middle, and last names of one of her public representation clients? Big yikes … in what state is the duty of confidence optional?

    7. I think it depends on the job. For a standard issue background check at a company, no, i wouldn’t wait around. Even if something weird surfaced, they’d work through it with you. Know that it MIGHT result in a delay on your start date, but that’s the worst of it.

      If it’s a job for which you need certain clearances, or upon which hiring depends (I’m thinking like, a police officer or something), then I’d probably be more cautious just in case what they need is the official “all clear” and there is something that takes a while to clear. If you’ve recently been cleared, I think it would be fine.

    8. Happy to see other posters with security clearance!
      My clearance process took a year and three months with no promised timeline while it was happening. So I did not give notice until I finally got cleared. It doesn’t sound like your situation is that, but I would also wait due to the issues that could arise outside of your control, as other posters above mentioned.

    9. I would wait. I have an uncommon name and there is still another woman in my county with a criminal record.

    11. I’m just superstitious enough to think that giving notice before the background check is complete would pretty much guarantee there would be some snafu with the process. I would most definitely wait.

    12. I would generally advise against this but I did it myself, last year. My full background check and drug test results were still pending, but I’d signed the offer letter. I knew the test would be clean and anything that came up on the background check would be an error, and my (now-current) employer is a small company where there isn’t a lot of bureaucracy. I felt okay about it and it worked out fine. In my case, my impetus to give notice was that at my previous employer, we were in the middle of a large project and I wanted to give my boss time to adjust to the idea I was leaving, and move to parcel out work I would be leaving behind. I ended up giving a month’s notice and heard repeatedly how helpful it was that I gave that much. So, while giving notice now is not without risk, go with your gut. If you think everyone is operating in good faith and don’t have any reason to fear the results of the check, I’d give notice.

    13. Background checks are common in my industry. Some people wait the entire time and others risk it. I waited until my background check was complete even if I wasn’t able to give the full two weeks but I have a good relationship with my former supervisor and gave him a heads up before my formal resignation.

    14. Late to comment today, but it’s not a good idea. A friend of mine was lateralling from one Big Law firm to another. He had 3 Big Law offers in hand and turned down 2 and gave notice at his old job while the background check was pending. In the meantime, the partner he interviewed with at the firm where he accepted an offer transferred to one of the firms he turned down and took his team with them. The “new” firm revoked the offer. The firm he’d turned down didn’t want to hire him. My friend was unemployed for 6 months–he has a pretty niche practice area, and these 3 firms were the only ones hiring in that hiring season.

  2. I can get either the Moderna or Pfizer booster this weekend. I received Pfizer for my first two doses. Which mRNA booster should I get?

    It looks like there is some data suggesting Moderna has been more effective against the Delta variant. On the other hand, I’m wondering if future international travel could be complicated for those who mix and match manufacturers.

    2. I got all three Moderna; my wife got Pfizer for her first two and then a Moderna booster. I think either course is fine.

    3. As long as both have been approved in your likely destination country, or your destination country accepts the WHO list, you will be fine.

    4. My sister is an NP told me to get Moderna. She said that in reality the best vaccine/booster you can get is the one that’s available to you the soonest because they’re all good, but if it’s really a toss up (mine was – the place let us choose on the spot), she told me to get Moderna. Her answer did not change depending on what your first round was.

      1. Moderna is the best-performing vaccine with the highest efficacy. It was never true that the “the best vaccine is the one you can get,” even when we didn’t yet have all the data we have now. I wish there had been a far more nuanced discussion at the time. OP, get Moderna. We don’t yet know what will perform best against Omicron, but we do know Moderna is the best against Delta.

    5. My son the medical student said if you got Pfizer first, get Moderna. Apparently, there is something like a 22% increase in antibodies if you get the Pfizer booster, but a 32% increase if you get the Moderna. The difference in boosters is negligible if you got the Moderna first-either Moderna or Pfizer will boost antibodies about the same amount.

    6. My husband got two Pfizer and a Moderna, and our family doctor told him that was a great idea as getting different vaccines gives a “broader picture” of immunity. If I need a fourth shot, I’m getting a Moderna (all three of mine have been Pfizer).

  3. Just a small rant. My boss manages a lot of folks and definitely thinks of me as ‘the good child’ so my boss focuses all their energy on the under performers and leaves me alone. Rationally I know it’s a good thing but when I go weeks without talking to my boss I do feel a little neglected. Almost all of our one on ones get cancelled because the problem staff need addressing. Thanks for listening to my very first world problems.

    1. Are you a good enough child that you can pop into their office for “just five minutes” and get your one-on-ones that way?

    2. I’d think about why this is a problem. Do you feel like it’s inhibiting your development or ability to do your job well? If so, you need to say that to your boss. If you just want to see them to get validation that you’re doing a good job, then I think you need to let that go. Also consider just popping in or calling your boss randomly and relying less on scheduled meetings.

    3. I have felt this way this year. At one point this summer I realized it had been twelve weeks since I had spoken to my boss on a call or via email. Since I’m working remotely and my deliverables don’t go to my boss, it starts to feel like I’m invisible or don’t exist. I don’t think it’s neediness to need some continued contact with those you work for.

    4. Send proactive updates with questions/requests for feedback. And/or put a 30 minute biweekely 1:1 on your boss’s calendar. I was your boss. My golden children do this for me (because they are the best).

    5. Send proactive updates with questions/requests for feedback. I was your boss. My golden children do this for me (because they are the best).

    6. Do you include agenda items in your 1:1s? When your boss cancels your meeting, then follow up by asking for a new time because you’d like to chat about X, Y, Z.

    7. I have a great and very appreciative boss, and I find that when we don’t talk for a stretch, I feel much more isolated and dissatisfied. Apparently I have some professional co-dependent tendencies!
      Are there opportunities to schedule “updates” or “can i bounce this off you” sessions – instead of 1:1s – so that you’re meeting with purpose versus what they are presuming is just a checkin?

    8. I have this too. It doesn’t bother me all that much because I know how busy she is and if I were her then yes I would also probably prioritise other in-person meetings over me! But what I sometimes do is every three weeks or so send her an update email just with how the various things I’m working on are going, and if I need to sense check anything or just make sure she’s across something I”m doing I put it in there. Those things are often pretty minor so it would feel like overkill to schedule a meeting to discuss, or even to put in a single-purpose email (she really is VERY busy), but in the context of a multi-part email seem fine to mention. It helps me feel more connected. I also try to make the emails sort of fun and chatty, so not such a grind to read as the other ones she gets, but that’s very much within the context of our working relationship, which is quite a fun and chatty one (when we ever talk haha).

  4. Seeking secret santa help!

    My work is doing (an opt-in) secret santa, and I was lucky to be assigned a work friend of mine. Early 30s, two kids under 4. She recently relocated to upstate NY, so we are no longer local to each other. She is very old-school preppy and stylish. (For example, she inspired me to wear vintage square silk scarves, even at our ~young age~.)

    Limit is $15. Any suggestions? I’m thinking perhaps a nice candle…?

    1. Please ignore if this is inappropriate. But as a fancy Canuck I really love giving a good bottle of maple syrup for these occasions. People almost always report back to tell me they ate it with their holiday breakfasts.

      2. Love the maple syrup idea! It is so so appropriate, and might relieve someone of pouring artificially flavored corn syrup on their pancakes for a few months.

      3. Oh I wish I’d seen this idea before our Secret Santa! I went for interesting local chocolate

    2. I brought a pound of my favorite locally roasted coffee to my office dirty Santa and it was one of the most “stolen” items.

    3. Candle would work. Maybe a really nice bag of coffee? Bottle of wine, if she drinks? Fancy tea? A book? I can’t think of any clothing or accessory-type options that sound up her alley that would be under $15.

      2. I literally received a peach candle from a friend’s mom and gave it to my sister. Go with the syrup.

    5. I try to save candles and mugs for people I don’t know well since they seem a little impersonal (or as an oh shoot I forgot to grab a gift present). Since you are good friends with her I’d give her a snack/drink she really likes (the coffee or bottle of wine suggestion was great, or a few fun pastries, flowers, etc)

      2. as one of those candle people, I agree. I’d say consumable, like coffee or a bottle of wine.

        The maple syrup idea sounds cute but there are those of us who weirdly don’t like maple (me)

        1. I do think the maple syrup would be nicely re-giftable, though, in the candle vein…

    7. I would do a nice Christmas ornament that ties into either an interest of hers or her old work location.

    8. I might ignore the limit if she’s a friend of yours (I like doing random surprise gifts for pals), I don’t have ideas though, still looking in this category myself.

    9. not sure where she relocated from, but I live in upstate NY and you can never have too many wool hats. You can get something decent for $15. Coffee is good, too! If she is still/will be WFH, maybe a sassy mug that is well suited to her. Not for an office, though.

    10. Could be too personal or just right if she’s a real friend, but I love the glossier ultra lip lipsticks, they’re $18 so close and one in a holiday red could be fun. Again, not generic but my work besties and I talk makeup all the time and it would work for a few of my closer friends.

  5. Hosting my in laws for dinner tonight. They are bringing brisket and I am making latkes. I also want to make a salad, something a little on the fancy side- would love some suggested recipes for both salad and dressing. Thanks!

    1. My favorite winter salad is some combination of radicchio, endive, fennel, celery, parsley, and I think it would be great with latkes. Dressing can be olive oil and lemon, or white wine vinegar w good mustard and olive oil. I often add either shaved pecorino or blue cheese but you can leave those out if you’re keeping kosher. Walnuts or pecans are good in it, too.

    3. Cup of Jo had a fun post a few days ago on jazzing up the latke offerings that we took inspiration from this year.

    6. I made this for Thanksgiving, and it was delicious. Feel free to sub craisins for the pomegranate seeds (I couldn’t get them when I tried). Worked great.

  6. I am going to be 50 in March. Because my DH is in support in higher education, we rarely have been able to do anything for my birthday. This time, it works out that we will be able to go somewhere.

    We are taking off a week. We don’t know where to go.

    We are in almost the dead center of the contiguous 48 states. We want to avoid Spring Break destinations, along with the risk of cold weather. We can drive or fly. I want to be able to plan for one activity per day, with time to wander around and soak up the culture and atmosphere.

    Where would you go? I suggested Phoenix, Seattle or Austin. My DH thought the Grand Canyon or San Diego.

    1. The Grand Canyon will be cold. I live in California, so I might be biased, but March is a great time to come here, especially if you want to see the desert. If you want a city, I agree that San Diego might be nice.

    2. SXSW is scheduled in Austin from 3/11 – 3/22. That could be a good or bad thing depending on the person – but the traffic and crowds in town are akin to spring break.

    3. Depends on what you like, I’m not a fan of Phoenix unless you’re doing a spa. Or Austin unless I’ve got a business trip. Or San Diego. But that’s just me personally. My favorite US places are SF/Wine Country, New Orleans, New York, Boston, and New England (also Hawaii).

    4. Phoenix if you like baseball (Spring Training). If not, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Carmel — or really anywhere on the California coast. I also really like the small towns along the Oregon coast but it will likely be damp and cold there in March. Enjoy it wherever you go!

    5. I did the Grand Canyon in March and it was cold but also relatively empty. The cold was mostly in the morning/night, but daytime temperatures were comfortable. There was still ice on some parts of the Bright Angel Trail where the sun didn’t hit regularly. I know that National Parks are more crowded now due to the increase in domestic travel, but it’s still nicer to visit on the cusp of high season. FWIW, we flew in and out of Vegas for our GC trip so that gave us a varied vacation experience.

    6. I love San Diego and Phoenix in March. I think Seattle will be chilly. I’ve never been to Austin.

      I’m also dead center and thought Puerto Rico was an easy, fun, warm, beautiful trip. Good mixture of beach, historical sites, and rainforest.

    7. I would go to Hawaii. For California, I would recommend a Santa Barbara and central coast (Big Sur) combo over San Diego for a week. San Diego is a great spot for vacations with kids, but I think Santa Barbara, Santa Ynez and Big Sur would be more fun for this type of trip.

      1. I agree with this. Also be aware that it’s likely to be warm in California, but not guaranteed. Our weather is so crazy that it’s possible it could be quite chilly in March. And it will most definitely be chilly at night even if it’s warm during the day.

    8. Seattle is typically cold and wet in March. The Grand Canyon is actually at fairly high altitude so likely to be cold in the mornings/at night, but should be sunny and nice in the daytime. That being said, I did a backpacking trip in southern Arizona during March one year and it was quite warm. However, that’s very much a nature trip, not a culture trip. If you want something where there are more sights/activities vs. hiking, agree that San Diego is likely a good choice. Or what about Puerto Rico?

    10. Like others said, it depends on what you like. Some ideas – Palm Desert/Springs? Do you like to hike? I prefer Tucson over Phoenix – not so spread out and plenty of hiking, restaurants, and opportunities to soak in the sun and sky. Wine? Maybe Solvang (nicer weather than Napa/Sonoma)?

      1. While March weather is intermittent it’s one of the best times in Napa-Sonoma. He mustard seed dots the vineyards and it’s lush and green. You can get a stunningly gorgeous day often and even a blustery day is perfect by a fire in a winery. It’s not high season, so easier to get in everywhere. And no shade to Solvang, but I’d never go there over Napa-Sonoma. It’s at best a day trip on the way to LA and not a destination.

    11. I think a week is too long in the places you have listed, unless you combine destinations (say, Phoenix plus Grand Canyon or multiple places in California). I have been to the Grand Canyon in March. It was both cold and crowded. I would go to Hawaii.

      1. You are not going to avoid Spring Break crowds in Palm Springs in March! That entire area will be overrun but it will mostly be families with school age children rather than the college crowd.

        I am obviously biased but would recommend combining San Diego and a few days in the desert.

        1. I’m a native Californian. My kids’ school break is either the last week of March or the first week of April every year. We always want to go the beach (Pismo, Santa Barbara, or Carpenteria) but we often get rained out. Palm Springs is always our backup plan, and it’s never been rainy there while the beaches are getting rain. I’ve never had an issue with spring break crowds, but we stay downtown. There are lots of great restaurants to walk to and we really enjoy the farmers market. We stay just under a week. We’ve even stayed during the Dinah and it still wasn’t a problem.

    13. Scottsdale. Four Seasons is our go-to, but is decently far from anything so if that concerns you stay farther south. Doing a day trip to Sedona would be lovely during this time (although it wouldn’t really be warm).

        1. Weather in Santa Fe in March can be warm or cold, but is almost always windy, sometimes to the point of being really unpleasant. It’s the worst time of year to travel to NM, IMO. Source: I grew up there

      2. +1 for Four Seasons. Lots of nice hiking around the area and some decent restaurants. You could do a day trip to Sedona and a day (maybe one overnight) at the Grand Canyon.

  7. Sorry if this posts twice; I am looking for a salad recipe for tonight to go with pot roast and latkes. Something a little festive/fancy. Thanks!

    2. It’s not a ‘recipe’ per se but I’d suggest endive with clementines, pistachios, and goat cheese (ignore the cheese if you’re not doing dairy with meat). I like the slight bitterness of endive with meat and if you’re doing a sweet and sour pot roast the flavors should pair nicely with the clementines! I make a simple dressing with raspberry vinegar, olive oil, lemon zest, honey (to taste, I use a bare tsp), dijon mustard (also about a tsp) and salt/pepper.

    5. how about a shaved brussels, apple, dried cranberry salad…can add pecans or walnuts, goat or feta cheese…lots of recipes on line…so yummy

  8. Any suggestions of best neighborhoods to stay in Montreal for a family? We’ll be doing older kid stuff (tween) biodome, science musuem, history museum, botanical gardens, wander the parks. I’d like to hit a museum or two but my son (and husband) aren’t really art people. I’ll also take hotel recommendations – a pool wouldbe nice as we’re going in the summer.

    1. I just spent a weekend in Le Plateau Mont-Royal and loved it. Good Metro access, super super walkable, lots of interesting food options, cool architecture & street art. Poutine at La Banquise was a lot of fun, and the pastries & breads at Mamie Clafoutis are incredible.

    2. General advice – make sure where you go has AC. It’s not a given everywhere as summers are normally mild except for a heat wave. If you can swing it, the Ritz in Montreal is really well located from the perspective of being able to walk places while still being somewhat in a neighborhood. It is not what you typically think of as Ritz prices.

  9. Does anyone get easily annoyed with people? I don’t know if I am too sensitive or take things too personally, but that’s something I struggle with. I don’t usually say anything and it passes, but I feel like I struggle when someone says something that comes off the wrong way, friends who are flakey or inconsiderate, friends not answering texts, etc. There’s a lot of good too and I know it’s likely not personal (everyone is busy and stressed, etc.) and that I get that I am the common denominator, but it is so hard to not let little things like that color relationships. I also think a part of it is I am easily walked over and should set boundaries with behaviors like that.

    1. Life is going to be a struggle for you if you don’t get past this. I’ve found it so much better to assume positive intent and unless something is truly directed at me to let it go.

      2. Yup. Presume good intentions until that presumption is rebutted. And if you need to set a boundary, then do everybody a favor and speak up!

    2. Yes. I think we’ve all been there. One example I can give is that I have always remembered the birthday of one of my contacts, thanks to putting it into my phone and sending a happy birthday text when the reminder comes up once a year. The person I’m wishing happy birthday to should know my birthday and has been reminded of the date probably 20 times (since I’m best friends with his sister and she remembers/celebrates without fail), but apparently it’s just too hard to enter it into the phone. It’s funny because I’m actually not a birthday person at all, but it makes me feel the exact kind of annoyed you described. Same thing happens if I buy someone a gift for some kind of occasion and don’t even get so much as a text saying thank you. It’s laughable to think I would ever get a thank you card, but not even getting a text makes me really upset. Sometimes I’m not even sure if the package arrived without getting stolen in our theft-heavy city.

      I’m trying to let things go more, but I think it’s OK to be frustrated when people are rude to you. As long as you don’t let it become your dominant framework in life, it feels better to me than trying to put a fake toxic veneer on every interaction.

      1. Fun fact: You can enter your own birthday into your calendar as an annual recurring event, and then send an invitation to that person. If they accept it will remind them every year.

        Or you could let it go. If it were me I would stop remembering his birthday and call it good.

        1. Congratulations on never getting upset about being treated inconsiderately! So glad you’re perfect.

    3. Is this new for you? If so, consider if you might be depressed. For me, that was the key symptom of my most recent bout of depression.

      1. +1 – I thought this was just my personality in high school but it was cured when I got treatment for depression/anxiety.

      2. +1 I’m super irritable when I’m depressed, and have a hard time bouncing back from tiny perceived slights.

      3. This happened to me when my mom died. I felt so savage I had to pre-write a bunch of polite email responses that I could send when I was furious, which was constantly. While you figure out why, I recommend using Quick Parts to easily send neutral messages. I still do it and sound nicer than I am.

    4. You get annoyed when friends are flaky or inconsiderate. So do I. Normal people who are consistent, not flaky and also considerate would also be annoyed. People will behave badly and you can only control your reaction. I think it is important to get past the disappointment in friends who behave badly, set your boundaries and stick to them. You can control your reaction to them and how much time you continue to think about their transgressions. Set boundaries and stick to them and don’t put further energy into these friends.

    5. If you’ve had repeated bad experience after bad experience with the same people (example: they deliberately make snide digs, or they don’t answer texts promptly unless they want something from you) it could be that you need to expand the friend group and see if you can find some more considerate people. Are these people who have been in your life long term? It might be that you’ve known them so long, they know they can take advantage of you when they need you, and discard you when they don’t. They know what they can get away with essentially.

    6. For me, “easily annoyed with people” is a sign that depression is creeping up. I never felt what people might stereotypically considered depressed,I more felt angry and easily annoyed.

    7. To some extent you have to accept people for who they are. Maybe that means mentally downgrading them from friend to acquaintance/drinking buddy/whatever. Your goal is to be happy for the time you get with them but not be resentful for the time you don’t get. Focus more effort on people who reciprocate. Fwiw everyone goes through this, you’re definitely not alone. Friendships have seasons and it’s ok to maintain contact with people who may not be close to you at this moment. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

    8. The human race as a whole drives me insane due to my misophonia. Listening to people chomp on food and gum like cows, constantly sniffle and throat-clear, or make a big dramatic production out of coughing and sneezing sends me into a rage. And most people are constantly doing something of that nature; the human body is a gross drippy mess.

        2. Okay, I agree that it’s a real thing but that totally made me chuckle. That crowd is . . . something else.

    9. I’m somewhere in between. I do get annoyed if someone flakes on me, especially if they do it a lot. But I don’t take it personally if they need to return a text or whatever while we’re together.

      On the other hand, two of my friends have seemed to get really cranky with me since the start of the pandemic and it makes it hard to be friends. One of them got offended at me for saying something so innocuous she really had to twist herself into a pretzel to take it the wrong way. She just seemed to be determined to me mad at me, and it was at a restaurant and kind of ruined our whole day together, which I’d been looking forward to. I apologized of course but we haven’t gotten together since. (In case you’re wondering, what I said was “good healthcare is expensive,” referring to my own recent purchase of health insurance.)

      I do think this can be a sign of depression, and if so, it’s not surprising that it’s a result of the pandemic and isolation. But no one wants to be their friends’ punching bag either. If you think that’s what’s going on with you, you really do need to work on it.

  10. How much latitude should a manager have to grant or deny wfh requests? Do you think it’s ok to grant or deny requests for permanent wfh – that are not based on a legally protected status – on a case by case basis? I’ve notice that while most people are killing it in the remote environment, a significant minority seem to be unable to be effective from home. They’re making the stupid mistakes that they never made before and their work reflects a fundamental lack of focus – and this has been going on for almost 2 years. At what point is it ok to say, sorry Bill, I know Sue is wfh but you cannot because your work has suffered too much and we need to see improvement before we can consider flexibility for you.

    1. Why can’t you have a discussion about needing to improve performance without taking away WFH? Have you considered that people are dealing with childcare disruptions, family illness, an immense amount of stress, etc., and that that doesn’t go away when they’re in the office? If there’s a performance issue, address it, but changing work locations isn’t a magic solution and may make things worse.

    2. I hope you’ve been documenting his deficiencies and how you’ve addressed them since it first became clear they weren’t just one-off mistakes. If not, you’re probably not going to be able to make much of a case with your HR if/when the individual pushes back.

    3. There needs to be a policy that is clear for all and equitably applied. Is the policy that everyone is in office, but if you get a meets or exceeds on a performance review you can WFH?

      I think you also need to consider that a lack of focus may stem from the fact that we are 18M into a pandemic and not have anything to do with the physical location of work.

      1. The official policy is everyone has to be in the office. Individual requests to work remotely some or all of the time are up to the discretion of their manager, unless there’s a legally protected basis for the accommodation, then it has to go to HR.

        I would like to liberally grant requests to wfh because most of my team is doing a great job under trying circumstances. Except for one person. My boss is convinced it’s solely wfh and not a broader performance issue; the direction I’ve been given is basically, get the guy back in the office and see if he improves. So if I have to apply wfh “equally” then I’m punishing everyone else because of this one guy.

    4. WFH is a red herring. Address the actual issues.

      My firm still considers me a high performer, but I am not as good as I was before the pandemic. It is entirely pandemic-induced burnout and child care issues.

      We are back in the office and if anything it has made my performance worse because it has made every day logistically more difficult, stressful, and exhausting.

      My plan was to take a leave of absence or quit in May, and now I am debating moving that timeline way soon. I almost quit this week.

      1. Ok, this – “it has made every day logistically more difficult, stressful, and exhausting” – is so spot on. Having now done my job (very well) for a year plus remotely, the added complication of having to continue to do my job and also, for arbitrary reasons, go into the office AND commute AND pack lunch AND dress/hair/makeup on a particular schedule is killing me. I’m looking for fully remote jobs as a result, though it feels like everyone else is applying to those same remote jobs.
        Good luck, No Face – I hope things improve.

      2. Yup. If you deny everyone else’s WFH requests, it is likely that some of them will leave for jobs that allow WFH. Those are not hard to find these days.

    6. This is a performance issue that you need to address. WFH might be exacerbating the issue, and maybe coming into the office would help his performance, but you need to treat this as a performance issue. It is likely that the WFH will come up in the performance discussion as it is probably related, as you indicate. In the case that WFH is causing his performance issues then you can deny his request to WFH.

  11. Suggestions for fun, active summer vacation ideas within driving distance (8-10 hours max) of Fairfield County, CT? It will be just me and my very adventurous (e.g., sea kayaking, rock climbing) ten year old.
    Her two favorite past vacations were Universal Orlando and Acadia National Park. We are both beach people, but don’t need to go somewhere with a beach. I definitely want to avoid crowded beach destinations like Cape Cod, Jersey Shore, LI, but otherwise am totally open to suggestions. Cities are ok too — we love art and history — but have “done” NY, DC and Boston many times. Thanks!

    1. Nesting fail:

      If you haven’t done Philly yet, it’s a great city. Obviously lots of history, and several great art museums (the Barnes is great).

      There’s also places to rent kayaks on both the Schuylkill and the Delaware, the Wissahickon is a great park (my favorite place in the city), and there’s a high ropes course in West Fairmount Park. Valley Forge is a fun stop too.

    2. I would probably do the Gunks in NY or go do some epic hiking trails in the Mt. Washington area in New Hampshire. You can also rock climb there.

    3. I would look at the Appalachian Mountain Club’s lodges in NH or Maine – they are comfortable (not luxurious) and provide meals and a lot of free equipment for paddling, etc. Some have guided family trips that combine climbing, paddling, and hiking. You can do hut to hut hiking trips in NH that are like backpacking but without having everything, and the Maine lodges are up in the woods, not on the ocean. Or how about a canoe camping trip? We camped on the islands in Lower Saranac Lake with our 9 year old this summer and were eyeing a trip on the St. Croix river along the US/Canadian border. Lake Placid in general would also probably appeal.

    4. I grew up in fairfield county. What about upstate NY/Niagara? Montreal? Ski/snowboarding trip this winter to Maine or Vermont? Drive down to Nashville? If you are thinking summer, what about Hershey Park in PA or 6 flags in springfield MA? Take the ferry out to block island over the summer?

    6. For city – Philly or go north to Toronto. You could also do upstate NY, providence, RI, Maine

    7. How about the Adirondacks or the Appalachian mountains? Tons of hiking, lakes to kayak in (though not sea kayaking), rock climbing, camping.

    8. Cleveland! Cedar Point, Cuyahoga Valley National Park, Lake Erie (Erie Islands), University Circle, Holden Arboretum, et al.

      We try not to let people know how nice it is here, then they will all want to crowd in. ?

  12. Petty rant ahead: I absolutely DETEST these computerized amazon clothing pictures. It seems that they use the same 3 “models” for 90% of their clothing.

  13. Ugh. Just a vent and request for suggestions. To level-set, I’m not risk averse, and not living 2020 style. I have small kids (too young for vaxxes) in school but also take other risks like hanging indoors with vaxxed family and friends, the occasional indoor dining, etc.

    I’m part of a volunteer group in my neighborhood that’s been insisting on in-person meetings. I’m vaxxed/boosted, and I know myself and others (from emails I’ve received) would prefer understanding what risk, if any, there is with in-person meetings. I just spoke to the group leader about potentially doing an anonymous poll to ascertain % vaxxed of the group, and he basically went through the talking points of “personal choice” and “how this has gotten political”. When I suggested requiring masks he told me how he’s “done his own research.” Basically he wants to leave it up to everyone to make their own decisions without “mandating” any precautions. I live in a major city which skews blue but in a red state.

    When I suggested a remote option for hybrid meetings, he mentioned the very real issue of the logistics of where the meetings are – there aren’t speakers, mics, etc. that make it simple to do so.

    The one thing I haven’t suggested is meeting outdoors (we’re in a climate that is usually friendly to that from October-May), but I have a feeling that will be rejected. Any other suggestions?

    2. Use your words. “Out of respect for members and their families, everyone should be masked. If that can’t happen, I can only attend meetings virtually or outdoors.” And then do it. And if that can’t be accommodated, don’t attend.
      It stinks. I have kids who are in process of getting vax’d, we are one shot in. My 7 year old just got kicked out of school for 10 days for being a close contact. Now I’m trying to work from home and manage online 2nd grade. It’s going horribly. This delays her 2nd shot and puts Christmas with cancer grandma at risk. No way am I spending my risk points for a volunteer organization.

      1. This is perfect. Also, if it’s possible to do this in a way that’s visible to all members (group email?), I’d do that in case others are thinking the same, but don’t want to rock the boat.

    3. I wouldn’t problem solve it. I’d asses my own risk and desire to stay involved. If the handling of Covid is an excuse to stop volunteering, I’d use it. If you’re comfortable, go. If you’re not, don’t.

      1. This. If meeting outside, taking a vaccination poll, wearing masks, etc. are the dealbreakers for you over whether you will meet with this group, then you may need to step out of volunteering until the pandemic eases to the point where you’re comfortable meeting with them again.

      2. +1. Just don’t go if you’re not comfortable with in person gatherings. Let the others decide for themselves.

    4. You did the right thing by raising your concerns and you have your answer. He does not want to do any COVID precautions. If you are not comfortable, it is okay to stop volunteering and join another group.

    5. Soooo basically the group leader is telling you he’s not vaccinated, and is also against all the commonsense measures that reduce spread (masking, etc.). If I were you, I’d avoid being in the same room with this guy unless you’re both masked. Sounds like he’s not willing to do that, so you should drop participation until they can implement that measure.

      2. Exactly this. Approach it with the understanding that he’s anti common sense protocols and unvaccinated and will resist any efforts to impose covid safety processes. For me, that would probably mean I’d avoid being with or around him and drop out for now and/or participate only if you can avoid these meetings.

      3. This is the advice I would follow for myself. Like you, OP, I’m not in extreme avoidance mode, but an optional activity is not something worth getting sick over. Even if I’m only sick for two days. Unless the group is doing something very critical that will significantly affect your life if you don’t participate (and I do get that – one of my friend’s husbands has stayed on their HOA board for 15 years solely to prevent a takeover by crazy people in the neighborhood), I’d find another activity to participate in. I have an extremely low tolerance for people trying to avoid reasonable discussions about safety in the middle of a PANDEMIC by saying “we don’t want to get political” or “it should be up to everyone’s individual choice.” Uh, not when my health is involved, sorry. I wouldn’t go to a party or event that I really wanted to go to if I knew people were unvaccinated and unmasked; I am definitely not going to anything less-fun than that if the same conditions are in place.

    6. If everyone was vaccinated then I would strongly prefer in person meetings without masks. However, it doesn’t sound like you have that kind of guarantee here (unlike you might have in the office) and the leader is probably not vaxxed based on what he is saying. I think Anonymous at 11am’s words are great

  14. Is it unreasonable that my 9 year old’s incessant humming drives me up the wall? How do you get a child to stop humming (or vocalizing) to herself?

      1. +1 to earplugs. My 10 yr old son’s voice is at that very loud, high pitch stage, and when he and his sister play inside my only solution is earplugs. The alternative is screeching at them or slowly going insane. (Also – we live in northern New England, so outside isn’t always available.)

        Also, the rambunctious sounds of my kids are such a contrast to the quiet of my work that it can be especially jarring.

    2. It’s likely to be a phase – my son went through a whistling phase, where he whistled to himself constantly, for a few months. If we were in public or it was driving me up a wall, I would say “I know you probably don’t realize you’re doing it, but the whistling is a little distracting right now” and he’d stop for awhile (but then usually it would restart when he wasn’t consciously trying to stop it). It stopped on its own eventually. She may not even be aware that she’s doing it, and she’s certainly not doing it specifically to irritate you. Kids go through lots of phases as they mature; this is likely one of many to come, or at least that’s been my parenting experience. Adopting a benevolent, generous and flexible attitude toward these behaviors, where you let them run their course instead of trying to stop them, will serve you well as the years progress.

    3. Totally reasonable. I feel bad dampening their self-expression, but sometimes it’s time for quiet time, or a rule that humming should stay in their room. Kids have to learn limits, so it’s not a bad thing.

    4. I tried to ignore it but it drove me batty. Instead, I try and engage her in conversation. She can’t hum and talk to me at the same time! If she’s concentrating on something, I just leave the room or ask her to.

          1. I love how anytime someone makes a suggestion that requires effort to discipline, the response is to ask if the poster have kids. Like you’re all hapless victims to your wild children.

            Yeah. We do have kids. They do what we tell them because we’re consistent.

          3. There definitely does seem to be a clear defining line here between the parents who are parenting with thoughtfulness and empathy, and the parents who seem to view their kids as annoying interruptions who are intentionally making their lives difficult. I feel sorry for the kids of some of the people here, because some of the replies to parenting questions I have seen go beyond discipline, and frankly seem hostile or confrontational. Kids are people and deserve to be treated with the same respect that you would give to a stranger on the street. If you wouldn’t tell a stranger on the street “stop that, you’re bothering me! Don’t you know how annoying that is?” you shouldn’t say that to your child. Hope folks are saving up for therapy/rehab bills.

          5. Oh dear God

            I think teaching my kids to have self-control and consideration for the rights and feelings of others is parenting with thoughtfulness and empathy. I am not suggesting smacking a child with a yardstick if they hum (or for any other reason). I am suggesting that making an actual effort to teach them how to behave around other people is in their long term best interests.

            But then I taught my children to say please and thank you, sit quietly in a chair in restaurants, and not constantly interrupt too. And oddly they grew up not to hate me (at least into teens and early 20s; maybe they will decide I was a terrible parent when they get older).

        2. And this is how all the adults in my life abused me as a kid by punishing me for my autistic traits.

          1. I’m sorry that happened to you. My brother was neurodiverse as a child; was diagnosed with Asperger’s as an adult. My parents, and many other adults in his life treated him as though his behaviors were a personal affront against them, and punished him accordingly. The impacts have been lifelong. Kindness and understanding go a long way in dealing with kids.

      2. I have a 9 year old and think you can ask but that it probably won’t work for more than 5 minutes at a time. They don’t realize they are doing it.

        1. +1

          I am kinda surprised by the responses here. Humming by kids > adults is a very common soothing/concentrating/tic like habit that is usually done without being aware of it and can be difficult to stop.

          I would be careful about making your child feel bad about doing it.

        2. Agree. My kids are similar age, and impulse control (esp for things that are semi- or subconscious) is just not there where you can say “stop doing that” and have that be the answer.

    7. Oooh please try to address this! I had a colleague who was an incessant hummer and it drove everybody who worked with her up the wall.

    8. You know your kid better than we do, so take this for what it’s worth: could they be vocalizing/humming as a stim or regulation mechanism for something like ADHD? That’s a common “symptom” or piece of the condition, and often they don’t realize they are doing it (flip side of that is they often won’t just stop when asked/told).

      2. +1 to this — it could be a stim which means it’s bringing your child comfort and helping them regulate themselves. Headphones for you?

        1. If your child had a medical diagnosis, i suggest speaking with their health care provider about how to address this.

          Otherwise, I highly recommend making efforts to stop it now. Because it will not get easier as they get older and people who feel a constant need to make noise are likely to have issues related to that as adults. It may very well be self-soothing – but that does not make it less annoying for you and the thousands of other people your child will encounter through life. (It would be worth finding out if they do it at school.)

          1. You sound like a great parent AND also just the kind of coworker, friend, acquaintance, etc. everyone loves to have.

          2. This could be a signal that she needs an assessment, if there are other things going on. It’s totally reasonable to ask the child to stop, ask if she notices that she’s doing it, ask if she does this at school, etc., and if it seems to be more than a musical hobby/diversion, consider whether there are other signals that she needs an assessment.

    9. For me, the humming is done by my 90 year old, extremely sweet and totally wonderful mother. It drives me crazy, but I try to remind myself that I prefer spending time with my humming mother to not seeing her, or worse thought, not having the option to see her.

      1. this is an alz side effect. it drive me crazy until seizures caused her to be nearly non verbal.

        i miss it now…

  15. Christmas gifting etiquette and social consideration question….stepson lives with girlfriend and each have 2 children which they see 50% of the time (every other week they have all 4 kids). We have included the girlfriends children (2 daughters preteen and teen) in holiday dinner once per year and now this year they joined us for vacation at beach for a few days. Other than that we don’t see them at all…they live locally but unfortunately don’t make efforts to see us unless we specifically invite them (and we do often) and then we also have to pursue them to commit to joining us/attending etc. Further and unfortunately, girlfriend does not get along with DH and rest of our family as well as we would like due to abrasive personality, manners. DH is inclined to ensure we gift girlfriend’s daughters although we may not even see them (he wants to do the right thing socially and last year this ended up being a $25 WM gift card). DH and I are disappointed in stepson’s lack of effort to visit family (its not COVID, it was like this for years) and DH has addressed it with him but no change. Gifting children that you don’t see because their parents don’t make the effort, and only for social etiquette reasons? I see both sides of this….wondering how others have handled similar situation? This is not a money or cost issue…more an awkward social situation and would like input.

    1. It’s not the kids fault their parents aren’t great at making plans to see you. If you’re getting stepson’s kids a gift and they live part time with the girlfriends kids, I’d get her kids a gift too. In blended families, there’s often occasional thoughts of favoritism, not belonging/being accepted, etc so why wouldn’t you include the daughters?

      Sounds like there are bigger issues at play here between you/your husband and stepson/his girlfriend, but that’s not a reason to not include her kids.

      1. OP. Yes, makes sense. We would like more effort from the parents but this has nothing to do with the children. Separating the gifting matters from the parent’s behaviours seems to be the right way to go. Thank you.

      2. Agree with this. To do otherwise would just sow division between the sets of kids, and I know that’s not what you want.

    2. I think your husband is right. It sounds like this is his son’s girlfriend’s kids, and your husband is in the best position to know what will preserve his relationship with his son and his son’s family. Also, it sounds like the girlfriend and her kids are the family unit for your stepson. I assume you wouldn’t skip giving his children gifts, even if they didn’t come every year for whatever reason. I do think once the kids are adults, this can and should be reevaluated, but for now since it’s not a money problem, I would always err on the side of being nice or inclusive.

    3. I wouldn’t think too hard about this. If it costs four $25 gift cards sent by mail once a year to smooth over future social interactions, just do it if you can afford it. It would be rude not to send them to the step kids when blood grandkids get them. I wouldn’t bother with gifts for the adults if that’s not common for your family.

    5. Obviously gift all the kids. Err on the side of kindness always. Petty things like not giving a small gift can make a so-so relationship turn terrible.

    6. To be honest you and your husband sound like a drag. Give these kids a gift card in a card you mail to them because they are children, and it costs you $50 to send the message that family loves you even when things aren’t perfect.

      Bonkers to call this an etiquette issue.

      1. OP here and not a drag. And we all know that $50 gift cards don’t improve a relationship. It is an etiquette matter because it is the right thing to do for the children regardless. All of the responses have been very helpful except yours.

        1. $50 gift cards dont improve a relationship but the lack of a gift in this circumstance certainly ruins one

        2. Apparently, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and has been up and down the comments taking out their bad mood on others. It’s a shame.

        3. Wait, if you know it’s the right thing to do why are you even asking in the first place? You have to admit, your entire question was written in a way that looks like you were seeking justification to drop these kids.

    7. The kids don’t really have control over this situation – they can’t make you feel more like family.
      But you can make them feel more like family, make them feel like they have more grandparents etc.
      Might as well try and improve the relationship going forward. If it doesn’t have an impact now, at least when these kids are adults and might be able to make their own decisions they won’t be resentful that you didn’t give them gifts. It’s not about the item, it’s really the thoughts, and little slights add up.

      And all it will take is a $25 gift card.

    9. One of the hardest parts of being a child in a blended family is feeling out of place and like a stranger with the new family and at family events. You don’t have to give them gifts if it is a financial burden or if you just don’t want to, but I think it would be a kind gesture to show them that you accept and welcome them into the family, even despite whatever disagreements may exist with the adults.

      2. This. Also, $25 gift cards given annually signal acknowledgement, consistency, and presence and that really can improve or at least maintain a relationship with a kid.

  16. DH and I are going our first ever road trip t visit family for Christmas. We will be driving about 24 hours each way, and planning to spend 2 days on the road each way. Any road trip tips? I’ve got audiobooks and podcasts loaded up, I’m a bit worried about discomfort from sitting for so long and potentially living off of fast-food for 2 days. Our dog will be with us, but he is a really good traveler and just sleeps the whole time.

    1. Pack food. I get cranky when I’m hungry and am vegan, so fast food isn’t a great option. We pack sandwich fixings and a mix of healthy and fun snacks and it’s so much better.

      1. Also, have a good emergency kit which includes everything you’d need if you got stuck on the highway. If you’ve been watching the news from Canada, highways in British Columbia were closed for weather-related reasons and people were stuck for hours up to days. In addition to the usual car emergency stuff you might consider – non perishables like jerky, candies/chocolates for a yum factor, water, toilet paper, a deck of cards, phone chargers, and anything that you might find will keep you comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.

    2. If you can swing it, I’d try to do 2.5 days each way. Two 12-hour days will be really, really long and you’re going to need breaks to avoid severe discomfort. I did a 13-hour each way drive over the summer and taking 45 minutes to walk to an outdoor interpretive center and back really saved my back on the return drive. We found audiobooks (including the classic Jim Dale reading Harry Potter) to make the time go faster than podcasts.

    3. We weren’t road trip people until the pandemic, but in the last two years have driven from the Midwest to Maine and also to Florida, both times with our three kids in tow. Here’s what I’ve learned:

      – If you’re stopping at a hotel for a night, pack a small overnight bag so you don’t have to haul out the big luggage.
      – Take time to pack good snacks — a mix of fun stuff like naughtier-than-usual trail mix but also fruit (apples and oranges travel well), water bottles, etc. — and/or make sandwiches or salad bowls for lunch the first day. Bring a small/medium cooler for perishables.
      – I love that you’re doing this over two days because it gives you time to stop and walk around or stretch your legs.
      – We like beer, so we plot our trips around good brewery stops that have “real” (read: not fast) food and pick up a six-pack or growler to go. You could plan around any type of cuisine you like!
      – Leave early in the morning — it feels good to get a ton of driving in by lunchtime, and then you’re not racing against the dark. Delays matter less when you get out the door sooner.
      – Make sure you have a neck pillow or some other way to comfortably nap in the car.
      – It’s worth it to clean out the car before you leave, then you start out in a not-gross state (or maybe that’s just me, since I have 3 kids and life is a constant battle to keep their garbage out of my vehicle).

    4. Don’t assume you’ll have cell service. Even on the major interstates there are big chunks of the country with no data. Make sure you’re not totally reliant on your phone for directions.

      1. Made this mistake before…! You can download the google maps of your driving area ahead of time so that you can still have a map!

    5. Try to exercise before getting in the car and stretching after driving all day? I detest long road trips for the very reason you sight – sitting in the car endlessly. Never-the-less I am driving 8 hours to a family Christmas event this year and hope to exercise before and stretch after. Flying isn’t an option this year, but normally, I would just fly.
      If you run out of things to talk about, playing I spy with the driver may be good pass time. Also, it’s OK to stop and stretch or walk around for a bit as well. Definitely pack snacks, things to clean up small spills with (paper towels, napkins, etc), and favorite hydration options – this will also conveniently necessitate bathroom breaks where you can move around.

    6. My boyfriend and I went on a long road trip a couple of years ago and got a cooler that plugged into the car. That way we could take sandwich stuff and other snacks that needed to stay cool. I think ours is a Coleman brand and it was great. I’ve loaned it to a few friends for their trips as well.

      Other than that, I always make the expectation that everything will take way longer to get to than the GPS says so that I don’t get frustrated with traffic or construction, and I give myself permission to stop as often as I want so I don’t feel like I have to sit all cramped inside the car to meet an arbitrary deadline. I loved our road-trip! They can be a lot of fun.

      1. +1 million to a plug in cooler. Ours has a regular plug too, so we take it into the hotel at night.

        Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches freeze beautifully and thaw nicely on the dash. I usually make a whole loaf of bread worth and cut them in half. I also pack a basic meat/cheese sandwich but try to jazz it up with an interesting mustard, extra salami, maybe pickles? It’s the little things that make a second day of driving sandwich delicious.

        Verizon is widely available where other cell phone service drops – particularly through the high plains. In car wifi is worth every penny. Sirius XM is a nice add on as well.

    7. When we do long drives, we break up the day with 30-60 minute hikes. Obviously it makes the day longer but really helps with alertness and staving off boredom. We also typically start at 4:30 or 5 in the morning so you have a few hours before traffic picks up and passenger can probably get some sleep in. And definitely bring a cooler and food / snacks. Fresh fruit, cucumbers or tomatoes cut up, and hummus or yogurt or cheese sticks are great. If I’m organized, I’ll make a frittata the night before because that travels so well.

    8. Stop every hour to stretch (we stop and switch drivers as well). Bring a cooler with lots of ice and your favorite waters, bottled coffee or tea, etc. Bring a snack bag with healthy snacks. Research and find homey cafes or BBQ joints instead of fast food. In other words, make this enjoyable instead of several days of hell.

    9. If you have different taste in music/audiobooks, pack earplugs. I can only take so much 90s grunge rock, but I respect that it keeps my partner happy when it’s his turn to drive.

    10. For trip planning purposes, I am a huge fan of roadsideamerica.com. Knowing you are this close to the world’s largest ball of twine is a real motivator. If you can take the time, eat at local, non-chain restaurants – they will give you more of a window into the places you are passing through.

    11. Instead of fast food, stop at diners. I can always find a salad with meat on it that’s relatively healthy for road food.

      I like road trips but I don’t like them if they’re just interstate/McDonald’s/Starbucks drive throughs. I like to at least get off the big highway for lunch at a cute downtown location, and get into the town where we’ll be staying early enough to have a little walk around.

      1. They have a dog, which means they can’t eat inside. Maybe this works better now that more places do take out, but it adds a major constraint. I’ve driven cross country with my cats twice (while moving), and it makes it really miserable because you can’t leave the car at all. A dog is a bit better, though, so maybe there are listings of dog friendly diners?

          3. “This time of year you should be able to do so for 30-60 mins.”
            There are places where leaving a dog in a car for any length of time is illegal. There are also people out there who are extremely sensitized to dogs being left in cars and will break windows out to “rescue” a dog, even if the dog is not in any danger or distress. We travel with our dogs frequently and do not ever leave them in the car unattended.

    12. I haven’t done a long-haul trip like that for awhile but used to do them frequently, where we’d be in the car 10-12 hours in a day. We routinely do 6-8 hour trips just as a function of living in the Southwest, where you have to drive a good long way to get between large cities. My tips are:
      – Agree in advance what triggers the need for a stop. I have a sensitive bladder and can’t go 6 hours without going to the bathroom, so we are going to have to stop more often than my husband would like to. If this doesn’t get discussed in advance it can contribute to major conflict on the trip (ask me how I know). We aim to go four hours between stops and plan out the route in advance so on stops we can not just go to the bathroom, but stretch our legs a little, and maybe get a coffee or bite to eat.
      – On that tip: I much prefer to eat smaller meals/snacks as we go than taking the time to sit and eat a meal mid-trip. It keeps energy levels more level across the multi-hour trip, and I think it is also helpful with not getting sleepy after a big meal, which is dangerous when someone is driving. This is best negotiated in advance – are we going to snack as we go or do we want to stop in the middle of the day for a meal? If there’s an agreement to stop for a meal, look at the route in advance to see where you can stop that’s going to be acceptable to everyone. Waiting until everyone is starving and then trying to find a place that’s acceptable to everyone in a small town with limited options is a recipe for an argument. After experiencing that on a friend road trip, now I make sure to look in advance so I understand where the better food or stopping options are. Options sometimes necessitate stopping before or after you planned to based on time or mileage.
      – When I was a kid, my parents would pack sandwiches, chips and fruit for us as an alternative to eating fast food on road trips, but I have never been able to get my husband and kid into the idea. I would much rather eat a prepacked picnic at a roadside picnic table than eat in McDonald’s, but maybe if folks didn’t grow up doing that they can’t get into it (I also haven’t been able to sell friends on it, in the past). With all the prepackaged sandwiches and salads sold at grocery stores these days, it wouldn’t be hard to avoid fast food if you plan in advance – pack some stuff from home in a cooler for Day 1, and then find supermarkets in towns along the way on Day 2. Even small-town supermarkets in Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah have had prepackaged sandwiches and salads, IME.
      – I like to build in time to stop at any points of interest or landmarks that are interesting and easy to get to off the highway, as it turns the trip into more than just a multi-hour slog in the car, but some people’s tolerance for that is minimal. If your husband is a “let’s just get from point A to point B as fast as possible” person, make sure you modulate your expectations or negotiate in advance, if there’s someplace you’ll be driving by where you want to stop.
      – Another good thing to negotiate in advance is how you will trade off driving, and when. I don’t like highway driving at night and so I always try to take the first shift, so then my husband or traveling companion(s) can take over when it gets dark. We trade off driving when we stop, so every four hours, so no one person gets too tired or road-hypnotized from driving too long.
      – I think podcasts have made long trips way more bearable and always have a few downloaded to my phone when we travel. We did a 6-hour road trip this summer and got so into the podcast we were listening to that the drive felt short. The other thing that shortens trips are trivia games or discussion questions – you can buy card decks to take with you, so you don’t rely on your phone (as someone else mentioned, service may be spotty).
      I am a little envious as I always find long road trips to be a fun adventure. Have a great time and be safe!

    13. When I’m on long trips I like stopping at Whole Foods or a nicer supermarket that has a prepared food area. Also Whole Foods usually has outdoor seating areas if you need it.

  17. have we done a favorite consumables gift thread yet this season? I’m specifically looking for something that I can mail to/ have sent to older relatives down in TX (great auntie types, 70-80s), but it might be fun to cast a broader net because I’m sure i can send other things to other people! For my specific request: no candy, fruit, alcohol or coffee. if it’s a basket, it can have those items, but I don’t want to send them stand-alone as the recipients have pretty specific tastes in those items.

      1. +1 I send a Wolferman’s breakfast basket to someone every year and they rave about it

    3. Zingerman’s has gift baskets of cheeses, meats, breads, pastries, etc. They will also customize a basket for you, I’m sure.

    4. I started sending my grandparents door wreaths, poinsettias, or other holiday-related plants. They all have special diets or preferences now, so food is out. Several no longer put up trees so have minimal decorations for the holidays. I like to send something that is easy for them to set out and feel festive, but is easy to throw out in January. My one grandma lives in an assisted living facility and loves to hang the wreath on the outside of her “door” – she says her friends wait for it to go up every year and she’s the envy of the hallway. (I bought her an over-the-door hook the first year, and that’s the only thing she has to store and get out each year.)

      1. +1 to this. I started sending my parents a big holiday floral arrangement years ago and it’s been great. Last year I sent my dad a decorated miniature Christmas tree and that was a hit.

  18. Low stakes question: my sister has asked for a set of bath towels for Christmas. I don’t have time to go to stores to shop this year, and wanted to buy some online. Any recs?

      1. The blog Wardrobe Oxygen recently had a blog post about how Costco had amazing bath sheets

      3. I bought one for my husband and it was ridiculously expensive — but also great. Used regularly for three months and held up well.

    3. I like Gilden Tree for waffle-weave towels. They dry faster, I think they do a better job of getting my skin dry, and they remind me of vacations in Europe.

    4. I’ve always liked Lands End towels. They last fever and get really soft. The Supima are extra nice. And there’s always a way to get 30-50% off at LE.

    5. The Target Threshold Signature spa towels are pretty good – hold up well and come in a bunch of colors.

      1. The Target Threshold Signature spa towels are pretty good – hold up well and come in a bunch of colors.

  19. Someone suggested this booklet last year about this time, and I thought I’d share this year. For anyone wanting to do a guided end of year reflection and put down some thoughts for next year: The folks at year compass dot com make a printable pdf booklet that you can use to wrap up the year and think about next year. I’d post a link here but I’ve been stuck in mod too much lately for no reason. Simply google year compass pdf and you should find the printable item easily.
    I don’t care for journaling, but find this booklet fun and very helpful. Hopefully you all will like it too.

    1. Thanks for this recommendation; I downloaded it and can’t wait to work through it!

  21. If you haven’t done Philly yet, it’s a great city. Obviously lots of history, and several great art museums (the Barnes is great).

    There’s also places to rent kayaks on both the Schuylkill and the Delaware, the Wissahickon is a great park (my favorite place in the city), and there’s a high ropes course in West Fairmount Park. Valley Forge is a fun stop too.

  22. Favorite family game night games? All adults, looking for something easy and fun that’s not a drinking game.

    2. How many people? I love Codenames with a group. Yahtzee is easy to play as more of a “background activity” to conversation. Roll For It is another super simple but fun dice game. Ticket to Ride is great.

    4. Giant Jenga. It’s expensive but SO FUN.

      Also Left, Right, Center (get a bunch of $1 bills and play for money).

      Apples to Apples is easy and fun.

    8. Telestrations is hilarious and easy to pick up right away. It’s a hybrid of the telephone game and pictionary, and it’s better when you aren’t great at drawing.

      Codenames is fun and easy to pick up after the first round. Sort of like a spy version of guess who.

      Five crowns is a card game that is an easier, more fun version of rummy. It’s fairly fast paced and fun to play even if you don’t keep score.

      And we play chicken foot dominoes as well. No special pieces other than dominoes.

  23. What’s something you’ll only buy a specific brand of and what are you willing to experiment with?

    For example I always, always, always buy the same ice cream (Haagen dazs strawberry), wine (clois du bois Cabernet), soap (bar of the classic dove), and butter (kerrygold) but I’ll buy/drink whatever coffee beans, tea bags, nail polish and shampoo that are on sale.

    1. I always buy the blue Dawn dish soap and now the new power wash version. I keep a small bottle of the blue stuff in the laundry room because it works great on stains, especially greasy ones. Also Charmin TP. And Eggo buttermilk waffles.

      I always have on hand a tub of Kerrygold butter, but I experiment with other brands too.

      For canned goods, I’ll buy whatever is on sale.

    2. I see you haven’t tried Tillamook Strawberry ice cream! I am similarly loyal, but to that one.

      I’m so brand loyal one of my friends told me I was a marketer’s dream. When I find something I like, I stick with it because I don’t want to be disappointed. Too many to list here. But one of my favorite recent-ish discoveries has been Beauty Pie because I can get skincare and makeup products so good I’ve broken my expensive long-term brand loyalties to several high end brands. So that has been a big yes.

    3. My hair and skin products are insanely cultivated due to ingredient sensitivities (no -cones, no nut or seed oils) and CGM adherence. Not many products exist that meet my requirements.

      I am brand-loyal with ketchup, coffee grounds, dental floss, and lip balm.

    5. Dawn dish soap and Heinz ketchup. There are a bunch of other things that I’m picky about because I want them to be totally scent free (deodorant, cat litter, garbage bags, lots of soaps, detergents, and lotions). That’s hard to find so I mostly stick with one brand, but would change if I found another that was cheaper or better.

    6. Dr. Bronner’s bar soap for home and liquid soap for backpacking. It works, it doesn’t irritate my skin, and it’s eco-friendly.

    7. Specific: Persil detergent, Ovaltine (no other chocolate milk-ifier will do), Best Foods mayo, Kikkoman soy sauce.

      Experiment: Ice cream (I have a deep love for Tillamook since I grew up nearish to there, but I don’t discriminate), most canned goods, flours (I love to buy local-ish flours so I’ve switched around as we’ve moved around).

    8. Loyal: Mascara (Maybelline falsies waterproof), feminine hygiene(tampax), dish-soap(dawn), nail polish basecoat(Orly rubberized), apples (granny smith ), foundation(Estee Lauder) , jeans(Levi), toothpaste(Arm & Hammer)

      Whatever is on sale and open to experimentation: red wine, coffee k cups, face lotion, deodorant, natural peanut butter, dairy products, deep conditioners, canned goods.

    9. King Arthur Flour. For skincare, Paula’s Choice or Drunk Elephant. Garnet Hill percale and flannel sheets. Sara Happ lip balm – the only lip balm that has actually helped my dry lips.

    12. Tillamook cheddar cheese (luckily we live in Oregon where it is not expensive- was so awful to buy other cheddar cheese when we lived elsewhere).

      Trader Joe’s spray cleaner!
      Colgate toothpaste
      Dove sensitive deodorant

  24. Help! I am in desperate need of an actual comfortable pair of heels. I have tried many, many, many kinds that people say are comfortable. And I am not exaggerating when I say that I have literally never worn a comfortable pair of heels in my life. But my sister is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid, so I’ve got to do it. Anyone know of one that is really, really, actually comfortable and has a low heel? I don’t want to be limping around in pain all night for my only sister’s wedding.

    1. What does your dress look like and what do have you found uncomfortable about other shoes?

      1. It’s floor-length, dark purple tulle, tight in the bodice and then a flowy skirt. The balls of my feet and my arches are my big problem areas.

        1. I own these and find them comfortable – https://www.zappos.com/p/j-renee-soncino-taupe-metallic/product/8775230/color/58272 . If you go for heels get something that has straps (the kind that attach to the bottom of the shoe, the wider the better). You can also use fashion tape on the bottom of the foot to make sure your feet won’t slide around. Avoid satin or stiff materials. You may have to try on a few pairs to find something that hits your arch right.

          You can also try something like this style – not really a heel but super comfy: https://poshmark.com/listing/Gentle-Souls-by-Kenneth-Cole-Lily-Moon-gold-Snake-Embossed-Wedge-Sandals-New-9-61a3b5c33cda88319748afa8

        2. I also find heels uncomfortable for these reasons, among others (heels constantly slipping out, toes rubbing and causing blisters, etc.). I don’t have any specific recommendations (though character shoes are not a bad idea!), but here are some things to try: 1. go with a low heel, 2″ max. The higher the heels, the greater the ball of foot and arch pain. You’ll still get that with low heels, but not as much or as quickly. 2. inserts (arch supports, ball of foot pads) are your friends. You may need to wear a different size shoes to make them fit, though, because most heels don’t have removable insoles like sneakers do. Worth buying some from the drug store and bringing them with you when you try on shoes. 3. use moleskin if the shoes rub anywhere. Another option is blister block (rub on product that comes in what looks like a tiny deodorant tube). 4. absolutely discard your heels for flats after the ceremony. Not even a question, frankly.

          Actually I do have one shoe recommendation: Nine West peep toe slingbacks. You should be able to find them in various colors on the interwebs. They are a higher heel than I recommend above, but have a bit of a platform so work out to more like 2.5″ instead of 3″. They do have cushioning on the foot bed, and if not arch support at least you could put the stick on things in them. I do use blister block on the sling back part because they tend to irritate there on me, but YMMV.

    2. Check out shoes for ballroom dancers-a dance store wouod have them or you can find an online option. I’d also just consider if a flat is better for you, especially if you are standing during the wedding no one will want you to feel (and look) uncomfortable.

      2. +1 or “character shoes” is another search term that will get you something functional and comfy. They’re the sort of neutral heels that the chorus in a musical might wear. They give a good line, but don’t attract attention to themselves.

      1. No, my sister is very understanding, but I’d like to try for heels. At least for the ceremony. Maybe I’ll ditch them for the reception.

        1. My former husband used to like to drink Mai Tais. This was maybe 15 years ago, before cocktails were quite the thing they are now, and it wasn’t usual for bartenders to know how to make them. But he would always order one, and invariably he would be disappointed because the bartender hadn’t made it like he liked it. Every. single. time. I used to tell him to stop ordering them because he was sure to be disappointed, but he never gave up.

          Do you see why I’m telling you this story?

        2. If your dress is floor length, I can’t think of any reason to wear heels since they won’t show except for the toes when you walk. Get a pair of luxurious flats that matches the dress and have the dress hemmed to touch (or almost touch) the floor.

        3. IMHO heels are actually more annoying in the ceremony because you’re standing still for so long without a break. And if you’re going to risk a “wobble” better to have it happen in a reception than when all eyes are on you in the aisle…

          I agree with all the suggestions to buy beautiful, dressy flats or perhaps low wedges.

          1. Totally agree. It’s way easier to walk or dance in heels than it is to stand in them.

    4. The Stuart Weizmann Anny or Poco low heels are comfortable. For a more affordable option, I find the Payless Dexflex heels some of the most comfortable heels I own.

    5. What about heels do you find uncomfortable? For me it’s ball-of-foot pain, so any pair of heels automatically gets those squishy pads added. I also like some kind of ankle strap so I feel more secure. If I am in a scenario that calls for heels + walking, I’ll wrap a band-aid around my fourth toe to ward off any blisters. And finally, wedges might be a good option for you.

  25. I’m looking for gift ideas for my brother. He works from home long term, they have a toddler and another on the way so not a lot of free time, and he doesn’t have hobbies other than running and pick-up basketball and ultimate frisbee. He watches sports on TV sometimes but otherwise doesn’t watch much, and with Covid they haven’t been going to concerts even though he likes music. They live in the Northeast so it’s cold and dark in the winters. I want to get a gift for HIM, not the household or the kids. Budget up to $300–any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

    1. A few ideas :
      – Wireless earphones (air pods or similar)
      – Nice(r) sweat pants / lounge wear
      – Card holder or wallet

      Might have to combine a few to get to $300.

      1. Thanks! He’s actually gotten me wireless headphones for my last two birthdays, because he liked his own so much, so I think he’s set on that front but nice lounge wear is a good idea. Any suggestions on brands/materials?

        3. I second the Tommy John rec. Tbh Lululemon also has some decent men’s loungewear too.

    2. I might be married to your brother, except we have 3 kids and no more on the way ;). I know you said “not for the kids” but we got my husband and the kids the LL Bean sonic sled last year. DH got the big one and had a blast with the kids on sledding days. he still comments that it was such a fun present. Or get the sled for the kids and an awesome thermos type mug for your brother.

      Craft beer? Cold weather/snow gear for him (snow shoes, hat, gloves)? If he doesn’t already have one, a solo stove? Indoor/outdoor slippers (LLbean, Ugg)?

      Do you live close? Could you get a restaurant gift card and babysit for a night so he can get out?

      1. Not the OP, but the sonic sled looks intriguing to me as a gift for my brother and his kids! Did you get the sonic sled or snow tube? Which model did you get and did you get one for the family or for each kid?

      2. I wish I lived closer! I think that really would be the best present. Yesterday I was FaceTiming and was informed by my nephew that “you can’t boop my nose because you’re on the phone, silly” which kind of broke my heart.

        Great tip on the sled, I will look into that. And thanks for the loungewear suggestions, everyone, my SIL has confirmed he has only one pair of sweatpants, so I think it will be much appreciated!

  26. Has anyone tried to ladder Vanguard target-date funds? Is there a better solution considering bonds/CDs stink so much right now?

    1. Have you looked at the Fed’s I (letter i) bonds? They are market rate sensitive but current rate is something like 7%! Good for short term investing.

  27. I’m planning a bachelorette weekend in the Sonoma, CA area. If anyone has ideas on fun stuff to do, I’m all ears!

    1. I would absolutely organize an afternoon at Indian Springs in Calistoga. If you can’t do a day pass, my understanding is that you can get access to the (heated) pool with a spa treatment. When I went in the Spring, there was a bachelorette group all hanging out in the adult pool, getting drinks, etc. It looked delightful.

    2. Depends on the time of year, but if you have a day to float down the Russian River, I’d definitely check out Burke’s.

  28. Would getting a dramatic hair cut (waist length to pixie) be viewed as unprofessional? My long hair is taking forever to maintain (and it usually doesn’t look polished, as it’s straight/wavy and frizzes or tangles like crazy) and now that I’m going into the office, I can’t brush it before every meeting / in between meetings. I’ve wanted to do the big chop for years and I might as well now.

    Reasons why I’m hesitating: I’m closeted gay (and a pixie cut can have *connotations* that I’d rather avoid, as I don’t want to come out at work), I’m scared it could look bad, and I only started my grad scheme recently (so I’m scared of people not recognising me).

    Any advice would be much appreciated! (Or if Ellen wants to add her opinion!)

    1. You might get comments because of the dramatic change but not because the change itself is unprofessional. Do be aware pixies need more frequent maintenance (like every 3-4 weeks) but obviously take minimal time for daily life.

      I might suggest a bob as a first step so you adjust to seeing yourself with less hair. Just be sure to keep it long enough for a ponytail if you do – that’s my only rule with my stylist, because sometimes my hair just needs to be UP.

      1. +1 to all of this. Changing your hair, even dramatically, isn’t unprofessional.

      2. Agree 100% with all of this.

        I don’t know that this is the best time to get a pixie cut. I have had a pixie forever, and within a few weeks after lockdown began last spring it had grown into a horrid mullet that made me feel terrible about my appearance until I could finally start getting it cut again. It took months of trial and error to get it back into shape, and I dread going back to the mullet if an omicron surge makes me feel unsafe going to the salon.

    2. I have found that while I love short hairstyles on other women, keeping my hair at least collarbone length is the most low-maintenance way for me to look professional. When my hair is too short, it is just too susceptible to ending up looking bedhead-like. If you want a more hands-off style, a medium length may be easier.

    3. I’d start with something not quite as dramatic as a pixie, but not because of professionalism reasons or sexuality-signaling reasons.

    4. Unprofessional, no, I don’t see why. I had pixies for years. Getting ready in the morning was so easy, but you’ve got to keep up on the trims and cuts. The maintenance wasn’t worth it for me. I wear a lob thing now because it’s pretty easy and doesn’t require so many cuts. You’re not wrong about the connotations either. I got asked if I was gay frequently. It didn’t bother me that people thought I was a lesbian, but I found it annoying that people think having short hair has to relate to sexual preferences—plus, it’s none of their beeswax.

      1. Huh. I have worn a pixie for more than two decades and have never had anyone ask me anything of the sort. If they’re making assumptions, they are keeping them to themselves. I did have some kids yell slurs at me while walking down the street, but that happened exactly once.

        1. Interesting difference. I was living in a religious and conservative area in the early 90s, so maybe that was why. Also, many of those comments were being asked out, so I think I must have been rocking that pixie.

      2. The maintenance is a real issue. I have also found that most stylists are terrible at pixie cuts and it takes several cuts for a new stylist to get it just right, so you can’t just walk into any salon and expect a decent result the way you can with a longer cut. Getting a haircut and color with the most senior stylist at the fanciest salon in town every 4 weeks is getting verrrry expensive, although it’s still worth it to me to save 20 minutes a day on blow-drying and to have a style that can handle humidity.

    5. Why don’t you just wear an updo at work? Cut it if you want to, but that seems like an easier solution.

    6. FYI, it depends on your hair type, but pixie for me was very high maintenance. I had to wash my hair every day and style it with multiple products and blow dry it then more products, and then keep adjusting it multiple times a day. I looked awful if I didn’t. That was a shocker for me. Nevermind the frequent haircuts. It was totally unsustainable for me. Not everyone can rock every hairstyle. Long hair was so much easier.

    7. I get the urge to do a dramatic cut after getting tired of caring for long hair. Pixie is fine professionally, but be prepared to shower in the mornings and use some hair product. I’ve found the easiest lengths to be shoulder or just past shoulder.

      If you are just tired of the length, can you try out a shoulder length cut for a few weeks?

      I’ve done the long to pixie a few times. If anyone made assumptions about me from my haircut, then they don’t know me and I didn’t care.

      1. I will add that, from an N=1 (while in my 20s), I got more interest from guys when I had long hair compared to pixie.

        1. This really depends on your face. My face shape just works better with a pixie, and I get more male attention with a pixie than with longer hair. Anything longer than a pixie drags my face down and makes me look tired and plain.

    8. Is there something weird going on at work that’s making you think twice about your coworkers’ examination of your sexual orientation? I’m having trouble envisioning an environment where a haircut automatically leads people to think about a coworker’s sex life. A pixie is great especially if you, like me, have fine hair that flies away and tangles. It is so much easier to maintain a polished look and structure with a little clay. Yes, you have to get a cut more often which is a treat so why not if you can afford it. As for it looking bad, have you had short hair before, maybe as a kid? That should give you a general idea of your face shape with short hair. i.e. for my face and head shape I need lots of volume at the crown or it looks too round, so I pick styles that have texture around crown and sleek at the temples. My friend is the opposite and gets texture just past the ears to have more volume on the outer edges of the hairstyle. I also found the HairstyleLite surprisingly useful in showing my stylist what general direction I wanted to go in.

      1. Thanks for the advice! I’ll check HairstyleLite out. I got a short bob at the end of high school (my parents hated it, but I loved it), although I just let it grow out during uni because I was broke (and COVID at the end).

        The people I work with are all very nice, but I’m the youngest person in the team right now (yay), and one of very few women (double yay),
        and I feel a bit self-conscious when everyone is talking about their spouses/partners and I’m just there being quiet. Also, my family is very conservative (and nosy), and I’ve temporarily moved back into the family home thanks to working in one of the most expensive cities in the world. :/

    9. Shoulder length hair may be easier to care for than a pixie. Pixie styles require frequent precisions cuts and often need product to look polished. Shoulder length hair is easier to style, can be thrown in a quick ponytail, and you can trim it yourself in a pinch.

      Shoulder length hair is still significatnly easier to style than waist length hair so a less dramatic change may be all you need.

    10. I have a pixie and I’m a Vice President. So I would say they are not unprofessional. People regularly tell me I’m stylish. I agree that they do require more upkeep regarding cuts. But less upkeep daily. I love my short hair! Good luck!

    11. I would start with a shoulder length “long bob” with a few long layers for body. It will be a LOT easier to care for, you’ll still be recognizable, you’ll be able to tie it up, and it won’t have any “connotations” that you prefer to avoid. If you want to go shorter later on you can. I think pixie cuts look feminine if you are very tiny with delicate features (gamine might be the term?), but if that’s not you there is the chance it will read in a way you don’t want it to, especially if the hair dresser isn’t a total expert on that type of cut.

      1. Yes—if you have a gamine look (think Audrey Hepburn, Audrey Tatou, Michelle Williams, Ginnifer Goodwin, Halle Berry) a pixie will look feminine, and may well suit your delicate features better than a longer style.

        1. adding a vote for a bob as someone who has had both super long hair and cut it to bob every other year to donate.

          please consider donating!

  29. Not unprofessional at all! However on the not coming out bit, I have a closeted colleague who recently did the chop and constantly makes vague references to her partner. Obviously it’s my colleagues prerogative but it’s kind of exhausting for the rest of us to remember not to say *girlfriend* and keep up the charade.

      1. Examine why you are using this forum as a venue to vent your frustrated and angry feelings, instead of finding a more appropriate outlet. There are real people here behind the words on the screen. You likely wouldn’t tolerate someone IRL speaking to you using the words you’re posting to people. So don’t do it here. What you are doing is childish behavior, the kind I think is inappropriate for anyone over the age of four.

    2. But it doesn’t affect how you treat her? Or how seriously you take her?

      Sorry – I’m really over-thinking this.

      1. We don’t treat her differently for being gay, truly no one cares there are many LGBTQ members of our team. However we do treat her differently for being dishonest and forcing us all to pretend we don’t know. She doesn’t really get invited to social things because you can’t really bond with someone who won’t be honest. We are a strict 9-5 work to live sort of office, so naturally we all talk about our families weekend activities etc so it’s very very obvious.

        1. I’m just curious as to how you are so sure she’s gay and closeted, Anonymous at 1:50 p.m. Maybe she’s just straight and private.

          LettuceBean, I would hope nobody would treat you differently if you were out, or take you less seriously, but sadly even in this day and age that’s not a given in every setting. You probably know your office best. I will say that if you haven’t heard any anti-LGBTQ talk around the office (especially if it’s mostly male) then you’re probably in good shape.

          1. We know because her girlfriend works for our same large employer (in a totally different department) and we’ve seen them at grocery stores etc. But again we truly dont care, it’s just awkward that we all have to pretend.

  30. Does anyone have any ideas for self help/motivational/life skills books for an 18 year old senior whose self confidence has really taken a nose dive from online to in person school and missing out on 18 months of building new friendships. She has really tried to put herself out there but sometimes the situation is just what it is with high school girls. She’s looking forward to college (awaiting early action notices) but we are concerned that she’ll be prepared for this transition and not just harp on the past. I had no idea 18 would be harder than 3. Thanks in advance for any ideas!

    1. This is a huge issue for many teens right now. CBT is good for this. There are DIY workbooks aimed at teens, but a live counselor with a Ph.D. is most useful.

    2. It’s been a while since I was an 18 year old with self esteem issues, but back then, anyone giving me a book about it would just have made it worse. Could you take her away for a weekend/overnight instead? I just did this with my 8 year old and it was wholly restorative for both of us.

    3. Thinking back to me at 18, who also had very little self confidence, I’m not sure a book from my parents would have helped. Though them acknowledging it would have certainly been something, so it would have accomplished that.

      Some other ideas:
      1. Would she benefit from a few therapy sessions? I think most people her age probably would, so it’s worth considering.
      2. Is there anything specific that is leading to lower self confidence? Is she overly conscious about her hair or her skin, or some other feature? Would she like to use makeup but doesn’t know how to or what to buy? Maybe an appointment with a good stylist or colorist, or a visit to a derm to address acne could be a good move here.
      3. Consider whether this is something that really might go away after she’s done with high school. I can speak from personal experience that I hated high school and was a much happier person once I got to college. Not that it was really a phase (unless you consider all of high school a phase), but being 5 months from the end of it means there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.
      4. Does she have a hobby or interest that isn’t being invested in right now, for whatever reason? It could be a sport, love for the outdoors, an artistic pursuit, photography, love for reading, whatever. Can you increase investment in that area and lean into her interests for the next few months? Maybe she’s super into anime, and there’s an anime convention she could go to and meet like-minded people.
      5. She may be looking forward to college, but is she also a bit apprehensive in some way? Like nervous about meeting new people, worried the work will be too hard and she’ll get terrible grades, etc. Worth discussing with a therapist or making sure she’s proactive about meeting with her academic advisor once she starts school.
      6. Is it possible there’s something going on that she just hasn’t told you? Like a negative interaction with a boy, or bullying? This is where therapy can be great as well.
      7. Finally (maybe this should have been first?), have you talked to her about what she wants or needs to be happy right now? Maybe she’d really like to plan a sleepover with her friends but doesn’t think you’d agree to it, or wants to drop an activity but thinks that will look bad on her college applications. She might be apprehensive about volunteering ideas, but if you lead a horse to water…

    4. There are coaches out there who specialize in working with young adults on life success and finding their path, if you think she might respond to working with someone on this. It’s coaching, not therapy, so should be more focused on outcomes and tangible steps she can take to be successful in the future. However, if she hasn’t been to therapy, and you feel like there are some deeper underlying issues that might need some addressing, therapy isn’t a bad idea either.

      I feel for your daughter. At one point in high school, I lost my core friend group due to some childish drama and it took awhile before I made new friends. I really struggled with self-esteem for quite some time and it left me vulnerable to some situations with boys where I put up with behavior I shouldn’t have, just because I needed to feel wanted and valuable. By the time I got to senior year, things had gotten better, and then college was a brand-new day for me, and I met tons of great people and forged some great friendships (some of which I still have to this day). This is just a season of her life, but at 18 it’s hard to have perspective about that. She would have to have a particular kind of viewpoint for these to maybe feel relevant to her, but Pema Chodron’s books The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times are books I wished I read a lot sooner in my life than I did.

    5. OP here, thank each of you for such insightful suggestions and sharing of experiences. No Problem, I think you hit on so many great points. She has expressed still feeling like a sophomore yet still having senioritis. There was a lot of anxiety around college applications last month and a very last minute change from early decision to regular at a college across the country which has led to a search in nearby states. She’s an only child and we are very close and while I truly feel that she is honest when I ask her questions, I agree that sometimes having someone outside of the situation can be most helpful. I have her set up with her doctor on Monday to discuss (in private or with me, whichever she prefers) next steps. I like the idea of CBT and coaching and will see what’s available in our area. I feel like she has a bias against therapy because it’s seen as “trendy” among her cohorts and I’d like to have her understand that we all can use outside help now and again. She will probably roll her eyes at me over the books I found but I also think she expects it from me. I just want the kid who had the confidence to try out for ski team, regardless of the fact she did not know how to ski, to get back to that level again. Thank you!

      1. Agree with counseling, though not necessarily the Ph.D. part. Most licensed psychotherapists in my state have master’s degrees and do just fine.

        Also I know it’s hard, but it’s not your job to “fix” her. It’s easy to get over-eager and have your efforts to help come off as you thinking she’s defective, which makes it worse. (My mom was like that and it was awful.)

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