ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 431 Comments

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Riverside Dress

The Riverside Dress from Of Mercer was one of the first things I bought from the brand, and it’s been a favorite of mine for years.

It’s a nice heavyweight material, has a relaxed fit that doesn’t look too boxy, and is machine washable! This “ocean” color is a new offering this season, and I may have to add it to my collection. It also comes in eggplant, black, and navy at full price and both hunter green and burgundy in the “warehouse sale” (lucky sizes only, I’m afraid). 

The dress is $165 at Of Mercer and comes in sizes XXS–2X.

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

431 Comments

  1. I am thinking about getting an asymmetrical lob haircut, in which one side would be intentionally cut shorter than the other (for example, about shoulder length on the left and a little longer than chin-length on the right). Have you had a haircut like this? If so, what is your hair type, and did you like the cut? Do you think it is still in style? I feel like this is the type of cut that looks great on celebrities and models, but on me might just look…accidentally lopsided.

    1. I think you’re spot on that it might look good on a celebrity that has the benefit of professional hair stylists to make it look perfect for any public appearance, but in daily life it might make you look disheveled. I also think it’s kind of a dated look.

    2. I had this haircut at some point in the nineties. Fine hair, 2a/2b waves, diamond shape face.

      Pro: Visually it was successful, had the asymmetry planned around a strong natural side part. Easy to keep, worked well with shape of face, neck and shoulders. Flattering.

      Con: Natural curl/waves mean that the ends sometimes curled inwards, sometimes outwards. For my hair type it wasn’t “sleek”, my hair isn’t straight, and I don’t straighten it (fine hair straightened can look very …sad and limp) so the drama of the cut was sort of wasted

      Did not recut my hair in this style. An absolute pain to grow out enough for a ponytail.

    3. I vote no unless your hair is way better behaved than mine is. Like – if you don’t part it in exactly the right spot or a gust of wind musses it up, you’ll have weird longer hairs hanging on top of the shorter side.

      Also if you pull your hair back, your ponytail may curve one direction because of the longer hair on one side.

    4. A colleague had a haircut like this and I loved it on her. She was in her 60s and a former art teacher whose whole style had a cool edgy vibe. I would say her hair was medium thickness and straight, which I think may be key to what makes that look work well… my hair, for example, is fine and curly/wavy/frizzy, so it would be a struggle to maintain the architecture of the style. Anyway, you could always go for it – and if you hate it, cut the other side to match and have a short little chin-length bob!

      1. I feel like Moira Rose would have a wig like this. My hair is not this texture and it would be a hot mess, probably like a home haircut gone wrong.

    5. Very Victoria Beckham 1990s, no? 90s fashion is back but I don’t feel like 90shair is back.

      1. I disagree. 90s hair is everywhere with Gen Z, including space buns and ponytails with 2 pieces left loose in front. The whole center part thing is a basis for 90s hair too–the side parts are from the oughts and 2010s, which is why they are now associated with millennials.

        OP, get the haircut if you want! You can always cut again if you don’t like it. Yes, long pieces will misdirect sometimes, but unless we gel into oblivion, everyone’s hair has the potential to mislay itself in the wind or whatever. Hair doesn’t need to be taken all that seriously.

        1. The fact that Gen Z is wearing space buns is not a reason for OP to get a Kate Gosselin inspired haircut.

    6. You could ask your stylist for their thoughts – how this would work for your hair type, etc.
      And if you don’t like the asymmetry, you could always bring up the other side so you have a symmetrical lob.

    9. I think this would be dated and pretty difficult to pull off unless you have stick straight shiny hair and very symmetrical features.

    10. Be aware that the “long” side may continuously fall into your face. An 8th grade classmate had this haircut in the mid ’80s, and our social studies teacher kept a hair clip in her desk and made this girl clip back her hair during oral reports so she wouldn’t continuously flip it out of the way.

    12. I think it would look good but need a lot of maintenance to keep it looking deliberate? What about a lob that’s shorter at the back and longer to the front? That feels quite current to me.(maybe called a graduated bob?)

    13. IMO this is a very “intentional” kind of haircut and must be in PRISTINE condition at all times unless you want to look haggard. Also, I think your clothing and general level of polish needs to be very intentional as well.

    14. I’ve had it and enjoyed it
      Medium curl fine hair
      Just get what you like ~ later on if you tire of it you can always cut the other side and make it an even bob, which is always fun.

      1. This.
        I had this haircut and straightened my hair – I think it looked cute and sharp.
        I have since grown it out and embraced my waves/curls, so that haircut wouldn’t work for me now unless I kept one side really short (almost like an undercut-short).

        As to it being dated… I think if you can avoid the Kate Gosselin look where it’s extremely steeply layered in the back, it should be ok?

    15. I have a longer version of this right now, because the stylist was a moron who decided “long v-shaped layers” meant “hack off an extra five inches and do exactly opposite what I asked by making the front longer than the back”. I have 2b-2c waves and it looks like an uneven, unruly mess. I will be fixing it as soon as I grow back enough length to work with.

      If you have any texture other than pin straight, you know that waves and curls look different every wash. A haircut that relies on a precise part to make the layering look correct is a bad idea.

    16. This brought to mind the sister’s haircut on Fleabag, which made me laugh out loud — not at the hair, per se, but at that scene cause it was hilarious. Ah I miss that show. Anyway, it sounds like a tough cut to maintain, but it would also be an easy fix if you hate it. If you want to try it, you should do it! Hair is a renewable resource!

      2. Me too!!! First thing that came to mind for me!!!

        OP, unless you’re super edgy and can work that vibe, I vote pass.

    17. Maybe it’s just me but an asymmetrical lob seems very outdated…like a decade outdated, and is just a couple inches away from being a Karen haircut (it’s unfortunate that that haircut became associated with entitled screechy old ladies but here we are).

      If you must a layered bob in beach waves or curly is a much more updated version of this.

      1. My immediate thought was, oh like a Karen haircut. Sorry, but it’s part of the cultural lexicon at this point. The association will be even more pronounced if OP is blonde.

      3. So, I have stick straight hair and a lob haircut (although not asymmetrical). My hair absolutely does not hold a curl. Does that mean I am automatically a ‘Karen’ and curls would make me less of a Karen??

          1. No, I just sincerely didn’t realize that straight blonde hair was more associated with Karen.

        2. No. It’s the asymmetricalness to one side with the cut also being shorter in the back that makes it Karen hair. A symmetrical straight or curly/wavy lob is not Karen hair.

    18. I’ve seen this pulled off successfully on a friend, but: 1. She was 25 years old and very beautiful 2. She had stick-straight hair that never even thought about frizzing and 3. (Most importantly) she was dating and living with the very talented hairstylist who did the cut and even HE complained it was too much maintenance, he had to touch it up every few days.

    19. I vote yes! I have a friend who had this and it looked amazing. Agree with the other commentators that you need either super straight hair or a lot of interest in hair maintenance. I definitely think that IF you can pull it off, it wouldn’t look dated. And an easy fix if you hate it!

    20. I just (JUST — less than 24 hours ago!) got a slightly asymmetrical short bob and am wearing it curly/wavy after years of straightening and I really like it and feel like the curls/waves mitigate any potential “I want to speak to the manager” vibe. YMMV. And I did commit to regular maintenance by making the next appointment before I left the salon.

    21. Definitely not in style. Not asymmetrical, but I’ve had a lob where the front is slightly longer than the back (but back was still collar length) and it looked good on straight hair IMO (10 years ago).

    22. My best friend had a haircut like this in 1985, when we were in high school. It looked adorable on her but I have mixed feelings about this type of haircut on anyone over 21 unless you already have an edgy, tailored aesthetic. As someone else said, I think it’s very easy for this to look sloppy really fast.

  2. What’s an appropriate amount to give a high school graduate? I have 2 high school grad parties to attend in the next couple of weeks – 1 is for a niece and the other is for the son of a close friend. Would like to give a nice amount for each, but not sure how much is too much / over the top.

    1. Depends on where you are and your personal budget… but seems like $50 is the starting point, $100 fairly typical, and anything $200+ very generous.

      1. To FFS point below – my info is for the burbs in Chicago, where my cousins-in-law live.

    2. This is probably regional. I’m in the Midwest and I’m giving my high school graduate niece $50.

    3. When I graduated high school ~10 years ago, I think $50 was what most people gave; $100 from close relatives/family friends

      I would note though, that my background is much more blue collar than this board so what I”m used to for gifts reflects that.

      1. haha I never realized people gave money at high school graduations until this moment. Thankfully no one has invited me to one since I was in high school!

    4. “Appropriate” is whatever you can reasonably afford and feel like giving! If you’re asking what is common in middle/upper middle class suburbs in Chicago, I think between $50-$150 is pretty normal based on what my nephew got for graduation.

    5. So depends. For me, I have 2 nieces and no kids so they’ll get a hefty gift for HS and college graduations (TBD but I’d say 1K+). For a friend’s kid, probably $100 since there are a zillion of those. And then really only if I’m invited to a party for the graduate.

      1. Anything in the multi-hundred or 1k+ range is very unusual as a free reign gift, even for a family member. Framing it as a “this is for college/books/tuition for trade school” is I think more socially acceptable.

        1. You do you. I want my nieces to have some fun and travel. Their parents can tell them to spend money on school. That’s the joy of being an aunt, I don’t have to get all up in their business.

        2. Socially acceptable? I would not gaf what anybody outside the immediate transaction thought of a gift to my adult nieces.

    6. It would require a commitment but…..The coolest Grad gift I got was not received until a week before I headed the University. One of my Dad’s best friends sent me a note with a motivational quote, and check for about $200 ( this was 35+ years ago) indicating the funds were to help with books and anything I needed to start the school year…it was unexpected and very helpful. But the best part was he did it every year for my 4 years of school…and increased the amount each year. Thank You Mr Charlie!!!

  3. I haven’t been to the gym in over a year. I’ve been hiking instead and camping, mainly in cold weather. Now that it is hot and humid, I think I am a victim of something called monkey butt (maybe do not google at work). Most write-ups are from men (which I am not). Is a trick around this maybe to use a pad in my underwear to help wick moisture away (along with lightweight wicking clothes)?

    In my former life, I must have been able to shower immediately or at least towel off / change clothes. That’s not really an option when camping or doing longer hikes (usually for both, there is a primitive bathroom and maybe a spigot for clean water that you can wash your hands with, but not bath facilities). Now bidets make sense.

    1. I am confused – are you worried about the appearance of sweat while you are exercising, or after?

      For during, I cannot imagine fussing with a Depends for exercising. My suggestion is to pick colors that don’t show it. Medium colors like light gray, dusty blue, etc show sweat the fastest. Very dark or very light colors are better.

    2. Well, you could try some microfiber underwe@r of the dry-fast variety. You can test drive the pad idea. Or you can hike commando, wearing dark shorts with a good inseam and no underwear. This is airy and dry-fast. This depends on the time of the month, perhaps, and your level of moisture/discharge.

    3. So there is something called monkey butt powder. Or at least there used to be when I was younger and had this issue playing sports in the heat. It may just be glorified baby powder.
      Otherwise I would suggest getting some performance underwear that helps wick moisture away. I think a pad would make things worse. I got the balanced tech 3 pack on Amazon that I like for hiking/travel. They run tts for me.

      1. +1. Don’t use a pad, which will get wet and stay wet. Same with cotton underwear. Get tech underwear as mentioned above or Smartwool athletic underwear.
        When you get to your campsite, can you change into loose bottoms (linen pants or shorts) and go commando underneath?

      2. There is anti- monkey b.u.t.t powder. It’s basically just baby powder. Maybe give that a try?

      3. I wouldn’t recommend baby powder or similar in the crotch region for cancer risk reduction (see Johnson and Johnson Ovarian cancer)

      4. Oh and I used some of my son’s diaper cream for heat rash last summer and it worked great. You can get tiny travel sized tubes if you want to test it out.

    4. Try moisture-wicking underwear. I think a pad would increase chafing – I have a runner friend who always chafes when running with a pad during her period.

    5. God no don’t use a pad that’s insane! Try wearing different clothes, using anti-MB powder, packing in wet wipes, sleeping in loose cotton pajama pants with no underwear.

    6. I’m not sure if you’re looking for solutions for before or after? For during, I’d suggest performance wicking undies (I use the lululemon briefs for my HIIT classes) and dark bottoms. The ‘cute’ lighter colored bottoms I have are for barre/yoga/pilates only as the wings of sweat around my crotch after a hard class are not cute.
      For after, Stridex now makes extra large face/body pads (I know this sounds odd, but acids that aren’t too strong are GREAT for odor control – more in the article below). I’d do a quick wipe after a hike, maybe also use some powder, and then if you’re able to change, wear cotton bottoms.
      https://www.racked.com/2018/2/20/17021612/natural-deodorant-acid

    7. Are you sure you’re not a man? I’m getting some pretty creepy vibes from the content of this post. It sounds exactly like certain menstruation fetish posts I had the misfortune to come across. I know this response won’t be let out of mod but maybe someone should look into it.

        1. +1 this is a weird take on a real-world problem of a$$ sweat that a lot of us normal people experience!

          1. Hopefully I’m wrong, but trust me, that careful phrasing asking whether to use a pad was eerily reminiscent of a fetish post that some creep planted on a different women’s forum that I read.

      3. I’m not getting that vibe at all. I think it’s in your head because OP said most of the info she was able to find is geared toward men.

    8. For me, it’s the after that is insane if I don’t immediately change (I’m fine with looking sweaty). It’s like diaper rash on an adult? But I’m surprised that so many people say use powder? I thought that that was thought to be the cause of a lot of lady-part cancers (like I didn’t use baby powder on my kids for this when they were in diapers for this reason). Too many plaintiff’s attorneys ads?

      1. i had thought the issue with baby powder was not the topical use, but that it could be inhaled when putting it on babies and breathing it in is the problem

      2. Those ads are about talc and there are lots of non-talc based products if you are concerned.

    9. Ditch the underwear and hike in running shorts if you have some that fit well. I’d suggest Oiselle Long Roga or Brooks 7 inch running shorts as a place to start if you don’t. You’re going to sweat, so wear stuff that dries quickly and won’t rub you raw. When you shower, make sure to wash your a**crack with soap and really make sure it’s clean (ie start the hike with a clean a**crack. Bring wipes if you need to sh*t in the woods. This isn’t a place to save weight). If you’re putting on a lot of bug repellent (or anything else that could run when you sweat), try to avoid applying it so it could end up in the trouble areas. I run through the summer in the Florida heat, so there’s no getting around the sweat and these are the things that have worked for me.

      1. Agreed. I almost always hike in running clothes unless I anticipate a lot of bushwacking, and even then where I am wearing ripstop pants, I wear wicking underwear and change out of them into fresh undies as soon as is practicable. In either scenario, things get moisture wicked away quickly so I have not had this issue.

    10. I have the same issue, and my solution has been to either wear very light underwear or not wear any at all. Leggings and other tight pants are made to wear without undies, so this is what I do when running, biking, or (pre-covid) in Orangetheory classes. When hiking, I wear lightweight elastic undies that don’t trap sweat.

    11. Seconding much of what has already been said – moisture-wicking shorts/underwear plus anti-MB powder and I would add a Tushy travel bidet and a fresh pair of shorts to my pack.

    12. Highly recommend the youtuber Homemade Wanderlust for these sorts of questions. She has great videos on backpacking hygiene. Search for underwear on her channel and you’ll get lots of great info.

  4. Hello – Salary negotiation question: I had an HR recruiter reach out to me on LinkedIn for a local position that would take me from a marketing manager at a medium sized company to a marketing director at a much larger company. I would direct a larger team than I have now. What do you all think in terms of salary? The ranges I am seeing on the salary websites list the position in the $140K range. Does that seem reasonable? Marketing salaries range so broadly, that it is hard to gauge. I am progressing quickly and they asked for my salary range, but did not offer a range for the position. Thoughts?

    1. What state are you in? I googled the last time I was looking and was surprised to see that many states (mine included) prohibit companies for asking for applicants salary history as it obviously disadvantages the applicant. If that’s the case (and look, they can ask, but it’s on you to say no) – I’d say something along the lines of ‘I’m not sure you’re aware, but in the state of XX employers are prohibited from requesting applicants salary history. If you’d like to share the salary band for the job I’m happy to confirm if it falls within the range I’d be expecting for the responsibilities and level of the position’.

      1. I don’t think New Company is asking for her actual salary history, just what salary she wants to earn. But the second sentence of that script is a good way to get them to disclose more specifically before you offer a number.

        1. The best tip I got from Ask a Manager for salary negotiation/getting salary range, was to use a script (‘I’m so excited to hear the team is making an offer, but I was hoping for XX salary, will that be possible?’ Or, ‘Would you share the salary band for the role?’) and then STOP TALKING. Don’t equivocate, don’t justify, just state clearly what you are asking for and then let THEM respond.
          It was SUPER uncomfortable to do but the HR person I worked with (when I used both the scripts to get the band and then to negotiate up) just said ‘oh, ok, here it is’ or ‘ok, let me go check with the team’.

          1. +1,000 to the second script. My company has a (not at all well-publicized) policy that internally, the pay range has to be shared with people (whether they are applying for the job or not). A younger colleague reached out to me yesterday about negotiating the salary for her new offer and the first thing I told her was to ask HR for the pay range.

      2. Thanks for the feedback everyone! They were asking for my salary requirements, not what I was specifically making in my current role. I finished up my research with resources mentioned by you all and sent over the email. Wish me luck!

    2. I used to have marketing managers and directors report into me. $100-130k for the managers and $120-$150 for directors, plus bonus Target of 15%. F1000 health tech firm but not like Silicon Valley or anything. At the director level you should be getting bonus comp.

      Ask a manager did a salary survey pretty recently- that might help you a lot.

    3. The prohibitions against asking current salary questions are specifically to avoid perpetuating compensation inequality for women and minority groups. There is good research out there on this, FWIW.

    4. Asking for your range is permitted even in states where you can’t get history. Agree with asking them for the salary band. Also whether this is reasonable is so market dependent. In the Bay Area a director level position would command much more than that. You need regional pay info.

  5. I know I’m a few days behind, but how on earth do we live in a country with an elected official who thinks Covid restrictions are analogous to Nazi treatment of Jews during the Holocaust.

      1. In red state and can confirm. There are many, many, many, many. She is just more well-known.

    2. That, meanwhile actual current attacks against Jews are a footnote to most politicians. It’s really a screwed up country. Even if we were to get universal free pre-k and higher education firmly established, I think it’s too late to fix the brain rot.

    3. Does she actually think that, or will she say just about anything to get publicity? Why do we have a media that breathlessly follows a minor politician with little power (she’s been stripped of her committee appointments) waiting for her inevitable stupid comment to jump on? How on earth do we live in a country where so many people fall down this rabbit hole over and over again instead of insisting our media cover elected officials and things they are accomplishing? You are getting played.

      1. this is your response? even if she wants publicity, certain types of comments and subject matters should be off the table

        1. Not the poster but I think her post was saying we should ignore politicians who just say radical things to get attention and instead focus on politicians who are actually doing things

      3. This, so much this! I blame the media so much for Trump’s presidency. They promoted him in the 2000s when he was a birther just to get viewership and it increased his brand as a result

        1. Interesting take to blame the media vs you know, the people at the polls actually voting for him. If they don’t like what he’s saying, he won’t get votes. They liked what he was saying, that’s the scary part.

          Plenty of people in this country think like her and DJT.

          1. Oh, I blame the voters too. But I firmly believe his candidacy wouldn’t have gone anywhere or potentially even happened if news shows hadn’t given him a platform to speak in the 2000s about conspiracy theories. You may disagree with me, but that’s my view.

            With regards to his voters, I agree that many of them liked the racist things he was saying and that is very scary but I don’t believe it was all of them. I believe that many of Trumps supporters did not actually like the racist things he was saying, but like the way he talks about the economy and vote based on that. You may think that still means they are racist, which I do, because they are willing to support someone who says that stuff. I’ll also admit that my view is based on the fact that all of the republicans I know don’t like the racist things trump says, even if they still support and voted for him. And someone may have a different view if they know different Trump voters

          2. You must know that name recognition and press coverage can increase the number of votes, political donations etc.? They go hand in hand. It’s not either/or.

            And the media loved to cover Trump. Anything negative gets more viewers and clicks. It’s a more disgusting symbiosis than many would care to admit.

          3. Anon at 11:42, I know the same Trump voters you do. They are well-off Rs who are willing to look the other way on the racism, sexism, etc., but like his position on things like the economy and Israel (IRL example).

  6. I want to push back on the post from yesterday about going against the grain on career advice. The post was saying that we tell women not to say “sorry” so much, but that maybe men should apologize more. I disagree. I’ve seen “sorry” turn into taking the blame for something that is not your fault. Doing it in front of the client makes it seem like you messed up. A junior that I work with always does this- a lender is late getting us signature pages or messed them up, the client is asking where they are, and the junior apologizes and says I’ll get them soon. What should happen is that she should let the client know that we’ve pushed the other side for pages multiple times/informed them of mistakes and if the client can’t wait any longer, we can produce the pages ourselves. Explanation + solution. No apology needed- it’s not our fault and we’ll make it better anyway. Too much sorry does look weak. Now if you actually messed up, I’m all about “sorry”.

    1. Agree with this, explanation plus solution. I also agree with the poster yesterday who said that you should say thank you more often then you say sorry. Two minutes late and no one really cared? Say thank you for waiting. 13 minutes late and you delayed the meeting for all? Then you can say sorry. I also use “thank you for listening” instead of “sorry for venting” with my friends.

      1. Agree with this. Don’t say sorry when its not actually your fault; do apologize when it is. I think I’ve benefited from getting that”bad” advice and turning my im sorrys into thank yous when that was more applicable.

      3. I also do this re: the thank you – when I am chased on something because there are 15 other fires I have to put out first, instead of apologizing, I say thank you for your patience and explain the new priorities. It’s not my fault the business keeps screwing up in areas over which I have no control but have to fix anyway!

    2. I will say that sometimes it is ok to say sorry when something isn’t your fault but the client has been let down. Does the client need to know who in the chain of events messed up? No. Similar to if your junior person screwed something up, and the client is asking you where it is, are you going to tell the client “junior messed up, I’m making them fix it” or are you going to tell the client “we’re working as fast as we can to get that to you, sorry for the delay.” If I were your junior, I would very seriously contemplate leaving my job if you did the former and threw me under the bus like that. And frankly as the client, I don’t really want to hear that someone else screwed up, I just want to know that you understand it is inconveniencing me (by apologizing) and providing the revised timeline. If you are the boss, it is your responsibility to get it done, full stop. If there was something beyond anybody’s control that caused a delay, that’s fine to mention (someone got into a fender bender that morning and was late to work, or had to take their family member for an emergency doctor appointment, etc.).

      The kind of gratuitous “sorry” that does need to stop? Apologizing for existing or needing help or guidance to do your job. Example: I worked on a client site once where there were several contractors from a different firm. There was the manager “Betty” and the junior “Stephanie.” Stephanie was a great worker who produced excellent work, and Betty was a very easygoing manager who was happy to provide direction whenever needed. However, whenever Stephanie needed to go ask Betty a question, she would knock on her cube and say “I am SOOOOOO SOOOO sorry for interrupting you…” in this effusive apology every single time. Then Betty would have to reassure her that it was perfectly ok for her to be interrupted while she is scanning her email, or scrolling on her phone, or doing basically anything other than being in deep, private conversation with someone else.

    3. Completely agree. There’s a distinct difference between an explanation and an excuse, and sharing explanations are much more powerful, in my opinion, than nothing but a “sorry we’re working on it.” I feel much better when I know the explanation and what’s going on in the background than just a “sorry”, because then I can explain to the people I answer to why it is taking so long/happening in a certain way.

    4. In a scenario where I have legitimately messed up and need to apologize, I will say, “My apologies. It won’t happen again.” I then let the subject drop. You rarely seen men apologize period, but when they do, they don’t say they are sorry, self-flagellate, basically get down on their knees begging for forgiveness, and keep bringing it up, which I think it really what is a worse look on women that they feel the need to go through all that (men do not generally spend this level of time and energy trying to atone for an error). Instead, I think it comes off much better to acknowledge and take ownership of the mistake, feel inwardly embarrassed it happened, but ultimately, move forward as soon as you have addressed it, rather than continuing to call attention and essentially beg for someone to say it is okay.

  7. Jumping off from the asymmetric haircut above, are graduated bobs current? Where hair is a little longer in front.

    I’m looking to finally cut my pandemic hair, which was formerly a very short graduated bob. Now thinking to do just above shoulder, just long enough to pull back into a ponytail (until I go back to office in September). I’ve got dark brown stick straight hair.

      2. Ha!
        In all seriousness though, I think a ‘vidal sassoon’ or Mary Quant style bob (or a slightly graduated bob) is a classic cut, but you need very straight, sleek hair to make it work – which it sounds like you have.

      4. You know, you laugh, but I’m a 45 year old white woman. I’m exactly the target demographic where if I need to walk a fine line between assertive and privilege-checking. But you all have convinced me to go for a blunt bob till I can go back to a longer pixie when I go back to the office.

        1. I really hate the Karen meme. First of all, I feel bad for women named Karen. More importantly though, people are so threatened when a woman of a certain age stands up for herself that they had to make it a joke.

          There isn’t a male equivalent, even though people are trying to back into one.

          It’s plain sexism.

          1. In my experience, there mostly isn’t a male equivalent though?

            My guess is that the distinction may not be gender but “member of workforce” or not, and in some places this is going to correlate strongly with gender. Men suck in so, so many ways, but even absolute jerks seemed to have some understanding of what a “cashier” can or can not do for them, even if they are bullying in their attitude. The combination of extremely entitled with extremely clueless is I think what the stereotype is trying to describe.

          2. Agree 100%. It encourages women to stay silent, even in situations where they’ve been treated badly or are being blatantly ripped off or could be at risk of danger. I also fully reject the notion that the meme started as a response to white racism. Nope, it started as a hateful diatribe and insult from the horrible comedian Dane Cook, I think about his ex-wife. If you want to talk about racism, you can do it without using sexist slurs.

          3. LOL at there not being a male equivalent. Men literally assault and shoot people when they don’t get their way and even the not-totally-unhinged ones don’t hesitate to throw their weight around verbally to get what they want. It’s just so normalized that you’re not even seeing it.

          4. @ Anonymous 1:39 – I completely agree that men have this and worse and more harmful behaviors. But somehow we have the meme for the women. THAT’S THE POINT

          5. Anonymous at 1:49, I totally agree with you! That was my point. Men do the same and worse and yet there’s no snarky name for them. The Karen meme is SO sexist.

    2. To me these short, sharp, ‘directional’ haircuts all look a little dated. Most people in my life are wearing their hair a bit ‘softer’ these days – embracing natural waves rather than blow drying them into submission for example – primarily I think because there aren’t any events to go to and with hairdressers having been shut for half of the last 18 months everyone has had to relax their own expectations a bit.
      It might be worth looking at the Insta feed of a few salons to see what styles they’re sharing pictures of?
      (Caveat – I’m aware this is very geography-specific!)

        1. Same here. My natural hair is stick-straight, no waves whatsoever. I have a layered bob because without layers my hair has no natural volume at all. I’ve experimented a lot over the years with my hair, with different stylists, and as it turns out, there’s only so much I can do with stick-straight fine hair that tends toward oiliness if I want something low-maintenance. Any cut that requires volume to look good is destined to fail unless I want to spend an hour every day loading “product” into my hair and blowing it out.

          I will say, though, that about six months ago I had my stylist cut bangs, and I have liked that as an update. I don’t know how she did it, but the bangs she gave me aren’t too blunt or too thick; they move nicely with the rest of my hair and are easy to style. Also good for covering my forehead on the days when I feel insecure about lines (I don’t Botox).

          1. Same. All these posts about curls and waves looking more current are seriously bumming me out.

          2. Don’t be bummed out 11:55, you had years of stylishness while the rest of us were torturing our hair with flat irons. Your style will come back around, everything does.

      2. I agree about hair looking a little softer these days. I still straighten my hair, but my cut has lots of layers and is more loose and flowy. Facebook just showed me a memory from 10 years ago when I cut my hair into an angled bob. I feel like the look is a bit dated.

    3. I still have a bob that’s only graduated a little. I have thin, fine, straight hair and this is the only haircut that’s ever made sense for me. It’s too stringy to grow longer, and I don’t have the face for shorter. As long as it’s not too graduated a la Victoria Beckham I think you’re fine. Choose what’s flattering for you.

    4. I have a long angled bob also dark brown. I’m 27 and previously had long wavy/curly hair. The cut has really helped change my look from ‘junior employee’ to SME.

    5. Graduated hair can look current if it’s very short and messily textured, like the Jane character on Blindspot. It looks dated if it’s bob length or if the hair is fine and straight.

    6. If the graduation is *subtle*, it can easily fit into a classic bob look. You want it to be just slightly shorter in the back than the front, and the layers should be minimal.

    7. And also? There are only a finite number of ways to cut your hair. I’ve been around long enough to cycle through pretty much all of them and at some point maybe you just say fooey and get a cut you like and that looks good on you.

      And I am furious at the whole “Karen/Kate Gosselin” thing ruining a perfectly good haircut.

  8. Recommendations on things to do and places to eat in DC? DH and I are visiting this weekend for our anniversary, and I plan to use the trip to convince DH to move to the DMV (jobs permitting). We’re staying in Georgetown, but will have a rental car so we can explore freely. I’ve already seen a lot of the museums and monuments, so I don’t know that we will do any of that again. Any suggestions? Things you wished you would have seen or done before moving to the area?

    1. so you think you will move to DC proper or the M or V area? i grew up in the burbs of DC (the maryland side) and it was a great place to grow up, though i will admit I did not love living in DC proper as an adult but that is probably bc I did not want to leave NYC when we moved. my parents are still there and they love it as well. if you think you would be moving outside of DC proper I’d spend some time outside of the city. Some of my favorite DC restaurants are Zaytina, Rasika and Blue Duck Tavern.

      1. We’d likely live in MoCo or Arlington since we would want a SFH, good schools, and a home that is less than $1M. We plan to explore both areas (time permitting), so any suggestions of things to do in that area would also be much appreciated!

        1. i grew up in MoCo. the schools there are quite good (though parents were really pissed during covid when they stayed closed for a very very long time). what types of things do you like to do? do you have kids yet? i know that at least right now the housing market is fierce around there, and a house less than 1M depending on how close in you want to be to the city might be hard, though not impossible. if you like nature, you might like visiting the Maryland side of Great Falls. Downtown Bethesda is small, but has restaurants and shops. There are probably lots of people on this board who live there now and can give more up-to-date suggestions

        2. A different poster from 10:08, but if you want recs for MoCo:

          – Bethesda Row area has a bunch of various restaurants plus they closed off part of a road for outdoor dining. I wandered down there last weekend and I enjoyed take out from Chiko. Property is expensive, don’t buy there.
          – Pike & Rose on Rockville Pike is the newer hip mixed use development but there’s also a bunch of new stuff a bit further north on Rockville Town Center in addition to old standbys. Housing prices get much more reasonable for the are the further north you go on the pike. Lots of new Asian/Asian American food places have opened up on Rockville Pike in the last 2-3 years.
          – Brookside Gardens is free to visit.
          – Lots of good hiking is accessible from the area, especially if you drive up towards Frederick.
          – See if Strathmore is back open and have anything going on?
          – Cons: currently, cicada season. Traffic. Although if you’re used to I-495 traffic, you know what I mean. It’s back.

          1. Also, if your H isn’t familiar with the DMV summer season, it’s starting to get in full swing now so hot and humid plus the obligatory massive thunderstorm in the afternoon during rush hour. the weather for this weekend is showing it to be cooler and a bit more rainy than usual so you might luck out.

        3. Good luck with a SFH less than $1mm in Arlington. . . they are out there but they’re older and small and competition is fierce.

        4. LOL at a SFH for less than $1M in Arlington – I’m not sure that exists anymore. Real estate is insane with Amazon coming to town.

          1. Oh, they exist, but they’re almost all teardowns. Sadly the 900k-1m range among SFHs gets you a cottage without a garage where the bathrooms definitely need to be remodeled and you’re lucky if the kitchen doesn’t need to be remodeled. (I browse the listings for fun.)

        5. Definitely check out Takoma Park as a place to move although will hit the top of your budget – cute Main Street with good restaurants including Cielo Rojo, Republic, ice cream shop dolci gelati, and can go to the farmers market if it’s Sunday.

          Other favorite restaurants in DC: Elle in Columbia heights, Taqueria Xochi, and Tail Up Goat

    2. Georgetown GLOW (public art installations) is ongoing now – it used to be a winter thing but now they’re doing spring & summer.
      This is out of the city, but as you have a car, Fairfax City has its Restaurant Week this week.
      The thing I miss most about DC is the cultural activities, especially in the summer, but I don’t know which ones are back yet.

    3. In Baltimore, not DC, but on the south side of the harbor so easy access from I95/I395: the Visionary Arts Museum. The museum is focused on outsider art and has a totally different vibe from most museums. I have recommended it to many and gotten rave reviews. Rock Creek Park, for imagining leisure time activities. Walking around two or three different neighborhoods where you could imagine living.

    4. Trip down the GW Parkway to Mt. Vernon, followed by lunch afterwards in Old Town Alexandria. Walk around Old Town and marvel at the tiny, crooked antique wooden town houses that cost $900k.

      Honestly, Mt. Vernon is neat, and not overfull of people these days, and Old Town is cute with decent restaurants and generally lively scene. You can’t really plan a move here until you’ve got jobs in place and thus know their locations. This is a HUGE area, and the transportation situation is such that making a bad decision on where to live relative to your job can get you hundreds of hours chilling in traffic every year.

      1. This! Also very fond of the Fort Hunt / Belle Haven area of south Alex if it works for your work. But I’m a diehard Virginia side person :) I’d explore the neighborhoods because they all have such different vibes. Arlington can have a denser vibe than other areas, so it’s not my cup of tea, even though its stats are just as good as others.

      2. Or, take the water taxi/tourist boat thing from Gtown to Old Town. It’s touristy but cute, and you get to see the Potomac River and some nice sights along the way.

    5. I agree with others above that you may not be able to find a SFH under a million in Arlington. I lived in the Landmark area of Alexandria ten years ago and at least then, it was more affordable that Arlington. Looking at Zillow now, you’ve got a handful of decent SFH that are $600k-$800k around there as well as Huntington, Kingstowne, Taylor Run, Rose Hill, etc.
      If you’ll consider a townhome you will have a lot more options.

    6. I don’t know if it’s open yet but Amber (at Eastern Market metro) is my favorite restaurant

  9. Suggestions on what to wear to my 20th high school reunion in 3 weeks? Context: at a casual location in the Midwest. I was not popular in high school and can’t believe I’m considering attending. I like to think I am one who hit her stride post-high school. I’m successful professionally, take better care of myself, and have wonderful friends. I’d love an outfit that says “I’m so confident and cool that I don’t have to try very hard.” But of course I’ll be trying obnoxiously hard. Normally I’d skip it (I haven’t been to one yet) but I’ll already be in town for something else, so I’m going to at least make an appearance, and if it is awful head out early.

    1. I’d pick something that I’ve worn before and know is flattering in pictures because you KNOW there’s one person there that will be documenting the whole thing and uploading it to the alumni fb page and who knows where else.

      Specifically, I’d go with a casual dress with a nipped-in waist (best on my body) and low wedge sandals. I never have or will be cool enough to pull off the ‘street sneakers with sundress’ vibe.

    2. There are so many fun, bright colored midi-dresses this year. I say one of those with wedge sandals or fun sandals.

      1. I like this idea. Any specific suggestions? Many of my summer dresses are from Old Navy or Amazon brands. I’d like something with a nicer material.

          1. Agreed. They are my favourite even though I need to heavily alter them. I feel like I look like a million bucks!

    3. When is it and what type of event? Midday, family picnic? Or evening at a bar?

      Well fitting jeans with a top and shoes that makes you feel confident are going to be the winner. For me and knowing my hometown, in the evening I’d do a band tshirt with a casual blazer/ jacket type thing and black booties. For a family picnic I’d do lighter jeans with a flowy top and sandals (a maxi might be better but I hate dresses). If it’s super hot, maybe I’d do white jean shorts with a chambray top.

      The key is going to be finding something that makes you feel confident so you don’t think about your clothes all night.

    4. I would go with a linen dress and cute sandals. Then again, this all really depends on where in the Midwest you’re going. Chicago style is not Indiana style is not KC style.

    5. Do you want outfit advice, or permission to skip it? You don’t have to go just because you happen to be traveling to the area at the same time. It sounds like you really don’t want to attend.

      2. Oh no, not permission to skip. I haven’t been to one yet. I actually think it could be time to try to reconnect with some folks…if nothing else, to expand my professional network. If I don’t like it, I’ll leave. But if I’m going to go, I want to look good ;)

        1. Go for it! I was so nervous about going to my 15 year reunion. I was not popular and very quiet and shy. I got a drink and said hi to people, even some of the cute popular guys I never would have back in HS. It was fun to catch up and definitely a different vibe now that everyone is older.

        2. Good for you. I went to my 20-year and it was more fun than I thought it would be (and I was a pretty reluctant attendee; I mostly went because my two HS best friends were going). I think you’ll have a good time.

          No outfit suggestions other than wear something that makes you feel good, not just look good. And wear comfortable shoes you can dance in.

    6. I attended my HS reunion just before Covid, and wished I had worn something like the Casey dress from MM Lafleur; flattering, comfortable, unlikely to look over the top. I actually wore jeans and a sweater which looked okay but definitely not a “wow” outfit.

    7. I’m in the midwest, and I would wear a black jumpsuit (quick Nordstrom search found Leith Plissé Jumpsuit that would be promising) and a jean jacket. Shoes determined on time of day and location, but likely wedges or flat strappy black sandals.

      1. Now I’m going down the hole of black jumpsuits on Nordstrom, and the Vince Camuto Tie Front Wide Leg Jumpsuit is even nicer. I think the pants are longer so I’d wear it with wedge sandals. Still with the jean jacket, because I think that makes everything look easy/cool.

    8. Ask yourself why you’re going. Is it because you miss these people and would like to catch up? Or is it because you want to show them how the class nerd has become a success? If the latter, I’d consider skipping it because it’s very, very unlikely to work out the way you think it will.

      1. She doesn’t need a complicated psychological agenda in place to go to her reunion and enjoy it. Not every single choice in life needs to be overthought. Its totally possible for someone to make a choice to do something that’s relatively low stakes because they think it will be fun and they get to wear a cute outfit.

  10. I’ve had my eye on this dress for years but am unfamiliar with the brand. How’s the sizing? Quality? Thanks!

    1. I purchased this dress recently after having in on my watch list for a long time, and I’m really glad I did. It is flattering and comfortable. I am often in between sizes so I emailed the customer service rep with more details, and she recommended a medium, which works and I just belt it tightly. Based on this experience I am interested in the brand and plan on purchasing from them again.

  12. Is there anywhere in the country right now where the market is not hot and competition is not fierce? Say you had the ability to work from home indefinitely, wanted a SFH, and didn’t want a bidding war or to pay an inflated price. Where would/could you buy?

    1. Sure, just go somewhere few people want to live. My husband is selling his father’s home in a small town in Mississippi for approximately $25,000. It’s a fixer upper, shall we say.

    2. In my fantasy life, I would buy one of the houses featured on the cheapoldhouses IG and restore it to its former glory. I never know anything about the towns they’re located in, but given the prices the market can’t be too hot in those places.

      1. Some of those houses are also cheap to buy because they will need hundreds of thousands of dollars in renovations. I routinely see posts on cheapoldhouses where people are commenting “oh, that doesn’t need that much work!” but as a grizzled veteran of renovating an older house, all I see is a money pit. That’s why so many houses are listed that look about half-restored; people do some of the cheaper, more-fun cosmetic work and then can’t afford the $50k it will take to rip out and replace ALL the knob-and-tube wiring and another $30k to make the ancient plumbing halfway usable. I’ve seen quite a few houses on that account that really should be tear-downs, plain and simple, unless the person paying $95k for the house has another $500k to essentially rebuild the house from the outside in. In some cases, it would be cheaper to build a new house out of stacks of fifty-dollar bills than fix what’s there.

      2. Same. I would love to do that in rural New England, especially on one of those properties large enough for horses.

    3. I don’t know. I’m moving to a city considered “less desirable” (because it’s poor and doubtless because it’s majority minority), and I still saw houses I wanted go to “sight unseen” bidders. What worked for me was also going for a less desirable house (too small, cosmetics not on trend, but in good repair). I hope I don’t regret it; it’s strange thinking of how much more house I might have gotten just a year ago!

    4. Ditto the others that there are so many places in the country that aren’t hot. They’re often rural places off the beaten path. We ended up finding a house in a rural area after visiting it once for a summer festival (think like a county peach festival, not some big thing) and thinking the town’s little main street was cute. We did a quick search on a real estate app and found houses to be super affordable, so we went for it. ( I mean, there’s more to it than that, but this is a message board ha.)

    5. I don’t think so! I live in a small Midwestern city and houses are selling within a day of hitting the market if they are priced correctly.

      1. Also in a small Midwestern city and houses are going very, very quickly. There’s no inventory.

      2. Same. And at the moment, priced correctly is about $50,000 or more than it would have been 12-18 months ago. Our house went from about $290k (at best) in value to $350k in value in the last year based on a recent meeting with a realtor. And we live in a small, “undesirable”, Midwest town. About 23,000 people.

      3. +1 My neighbor’s house in a meh school district in a not hot area of a mid-atlantic state had more than 10 offers on the first day it was listed. It’s ~1400 sq ft and somewhat updated but not fancy by any means. Agents here are begging for houses.

    6. Truly rural towns over an hour and half away from any large city – talking one Walmart for the county, a bunch of general dollars, and a couple bars and restaurants sort of cities. The benefit – several acres standard for homes.

      1. Actually I live somewhere that fits that description and our market is also crazy – the few houses that come on the market sell in a couple days for over asking. But even the higher prices are still mostly under $200,000, so it’s less crazy in that respect.

        1. Ditto – there are bidding wars from people who’ve never even been to the tiny town I live. I’d always thought we were in an ‘uncool’ area of the intermountain west. Things are ~double prices they sold for about 5 years ago.

    8. If I could truly work anywhere I’d pick a cute city with lots of old homes like Newburgh or Kingston, NY. Liberal enough that I’d at least have a shot at making friends too.

      1. I’m in that area and no way right now in Kingston NY, and Ulster County overall ~ homes are going for much over asking price sight unseen with bidding wars and all cash!
        No local people can pay the prices.

        1. That’s my issue. Mid-sized cities (Raleigh, Nashville, Richmond, Louisville) are booming. Quaint small towns are booming. Other than apparently buying a fixer in the Delta, is anywhere not?

        2. It might be hot market but it’s relative to the area. Even with a bidding war houses in those towns are less than half, closer to a quarter the of price of my urban house.

    9. It depends what your budget is. While the Nashville RE market is WILD, if you are okay with living in a small city near Nashville (talking about 45-60 minutes here), you can buy a huge plot of land and either build a dream house or buy one of the newer/nice builds out here. While the politics of the place are not ideal, I have left-voting friends who recently bought a brand new farmhouse (real farmhouse, not Chip and Joana farmhouse-inspired home) for a little over $500,000 and it comes with about 20 acres. It is a dream. Same concept exists with much smaller acreage!

      If I could be remote forever, I would 100% do this either near Nashville, near Chattanooga, or near Knoxville (you cannot beat the foothills of the Smoky Mountains). It’s close enough to a city that has an amazing food scene (Nashville in particular), the people are nice, but you can enjoy nature.

      1. The Nashville RE market is insane. I live here and keep hearing about people moving here sight unseen. Which is just bonkers to me.

    1. Agree with this. The pandemic makes it hard for parents (as well as everyone else), but in heterosexual partnerships, it’s definitely the men (most of the time) who are refusing to step up.

      We’re thinking of TTC and I’m already thinking of systems we should put in place to start good habits and division of labor. We do well enough at that as DINKS, but obviously children would be a whole different ballgame. I just don’t want to be in the position where another national emergency happens (or a personal one) and I find myself absolutely swamped with all the tedium of childcare while my husband gets to focus on his career. I know he would do his best to contribute equally to our household, but I really think you need strong routines and systems in place to avoid slipping. For example, my best friend had to formula feed her first baby (she wanted to BF) right from the start and one unexpected bonus was that she and her husband became equal partners in feeding their baby. I’m curious what other systems or choices parents have made that have made a real difference on QOL and equal division of labor.

      1. Part of the reason I combo-fed was so that my husband could take the occasional late-night feeding. I was on maternity leave and my husband was not, so I took the vast, vast majority of late-night feedings; however, it was nice that sometimes, when my body just gave out and I couldn’t wake up, he would do it. Now that he’s on break (academia) and I’m working, he takes a lot of the sleep regression wake-ups.

      2. Yep. And then other women are forced to cover for the women with the crappy male partners at work. Sorry, but I am not working late so you can leave at 3 consistently so your husband can go golfing while you take care of the kids.

        1. This is not how it works IME. Men, with or without children, just come in late or leave early to golf or mountain bike or whatever, don’t take PTO, and don’t get any flak for it. If they have kids, they are at day care and the mom picks them up one minute before closing time after working late to demonstrate that she is a dedicated employee.

      3. The biggest thing you can do to have a more egalitarian parenting relationship is for the dad to take paternity leave when you go back to work, so that he has a stretch of time being the primary parent.

        1. This. Then your partner becomes the expert on the baby – he’s the one who knows that she’s gassy not tired not you. Five years later we’re still reaping the benefit of the month my husband spent being the primary caregiver.

        2. Agree. Also forces husband to learn that he really can care for baby. And, gives him a window into maternity leave (which I found so boring and monotonous, though YMMV). My husband is great with our kid though I still get the best cuddles, in my opinion :).

          Oh, and it also helped me get back into the groove at work knowing that baby was home with Dad. (We started daycare shortly after, and the pickup/dropoff routine gets a second to get used to.

        3. Yep. I’m in a pretty equal relationship (actually husband does more, but I work more) and I don’t think we would have achieved this without him having been a stay at home dad for a couple of years.

        4. I frequently traveled for work before the pandemic, and I think that made a huge difference too.

          1. Was going to say this. I traveled for business from the time my son was about 18 months old, sometimes for up to 5 nights at a time. My husband had no choice but to figure out how to do things because I wasn’t paying to bring in a nanny while I was gone. He says, to this day, it gave him more confidence in his parenting.

          2. This. It was a tip I got from my female boss, don’t leave your husband a list, don’t check in, go on a trip and let him learn, he’s smart he’ll figure it out. I took my first trip when my son was about 8 months old and travelled at least once a month ever sine then (pre-pandemic). It was about the best thing I did for my marriage – he finally got all the invisible labor and was MUCH more hands on after those trips when I didn’t hand-hold him.

      4. i think it depends so much on the nature of your jobs. one of my friend’s is a doctor, but her husband has more of a desk job, so he is the one for whom it is easier to work from home if a kid is sick or wait home for the repair person, etc. on the flip side, another doctor friend is married to an additional doctor, but her husband is the more intense specialty where someone will literally die without his care, whereas she provides more routine medical care.

      5. I am pretty sure that the societal push for BFing is mostly a male conspiracy to keep women stuck in glider chairs feeding babies.

        1. The benefits are absolutely overemphasized, and I say that as someone who almost exclusively breastfed for a year. In retrospect I put WAY too much pressure on myself over breastfeeding that was not worth it. If I had my son’s childhood to do over again, there are things I would do differently (like getting him tested for ADHD at age 10 instead of 14) but breastfeeding more isn’t something I would worry about.

          My son ended up in elementary, middle and high school with some of the same kids he went to daycare and preschool with, and it’s been an absolutely fascinating thing to watch, to see how kids we knew from the time they were four months old are turning out as teens. Spoiler alert, because these kids are from families with educated, involved parents who are invested in their kids health, education, growth, and well-being, the kids are doing fine. Breast vs. bottle, disposable vs. cloth diapers, babywearing, number of hours spent in daycare, when kids started solid food and what they ate – all those things I remember new moms battling about when the kids were babies? Almost none of that seems to have mattered. What does seem to matter is that the parents stayed on top of what the kids were doing and stayed invested and involved, and didn’t mentally check out at some point. All that other “mommy wars” stuff seems to have sunk to the level of trivial detail, from what I can see.

          1. I didn’t cloth diaper for my kid. I cloth diapered (for not as long as I liked) for the planet.

        2. Ha, I don’t really disagree with you. The benefits of BFing in a country with clean water like the U.S. have been SO over-hyped while the benefits of formula feeding get almost no attention at all.

        4. Agreed with this. “Breastfeeding” is not natural or acceptable but is rather part of a patriarchal conspiracy to harm women! I sometimes get push back on this perspective, but DH and I split br*astfeeding responsibilities 50-50.

          1. I don’t understand any of this comment.

            I agree that breastfeeding is often used as an excuse by dads as to why they can’t equally parent (and I’m not sure how your husband is doing half) but it actually is the most natural thing in the world. What is not natural is the sexualization of breasts.

        6. I think the benefits of pumping and scheduled breastfeeding are overhyped; never really getting hindmilk isn’t the same. I don’t think worrying about hindmilk is a conspiracy to keep women down, but I do think it means formula can outperform non-optimal breastfeeding. I think it’s always worth asking why aren’t men being asked to breastfeed? For all the efforts that, e.g., La Leche will put into helping a woman struggling to produce, I’m sure they could get some men breastfeeding if that weren’t unthinkable.

      6. Formula feed and have dad take a paternity leave when you aren’t around/are already working. Parenting is learned so it’s hugely beneficial for dad to take leave when mom isn’t around to answer questions, show him how to do stuff or “correct”. There’s no replacement for having to figure it out yourself.

    2. what i think this article fails to recognize though is that in many (not all) families the dad out earns the mom, so if push comes to shove, it makes more sense for the lower earning partner to leave the workforce

      2. Sometimes, but I’ve known women (lawyers) who outearn their salesmen husbands by a lot and still have to be like single moms.

        1. that was my marriage. earned 5x more, bought everything, and also did 95% of hte parenting and household. straight men, man.

        2. I make slightly more than my husband most years, and one of the reasons I have never gone part-time is I suspect he wouldn’t do ANYTHING around the house if I wasn’t full-time. What’s depressing is that he thinks he does half the household stuff because he cooks most dinners.

      3. Why do we think women make less than men? There are a ton of reasons, but a lot of women also choose careers that are more amenable to raising kids and it then becomes a vicious circle because they’re then the ones who it “makes sense” to have quit their jobs when childcare needs arise.

        1. Someone here or on the moms page also noted that in hereto marriages, men tend to be older than their wives. The wage gap within professions is exacerbated because the husband also has been working more years than his wife.

        2. Eh this may explain some of it but not all of it. Even if men and women start at the same exact job, the numbers tell us that the man may start with a higher salary for no reason and will likely get raises faster so he’ll be out earning. This isnt because of the woman’s choice it’s because of sexism which then gets compounded when she steps back because her partner earns more

        3. No no no. I serve on a D&I committee for my professional organization and so many men default to this this “well, women step back voluntarily so they can spend more time with their kids.”

          It’s a lazy position and it’s not based on research. If women had the same opportunities as men, we’d see an equal number of fathers stepping back voluntarily.

          1. this. Women just don’t choose the intense fields, the leadership positions, the high paying professions? Then we have to examine what influences their choices. And if you for one minute try to talk about natural inclinations over societal factors, then you’d first have to explain to me why nature makes it so that white, cis, able bodied men choose positions of wealth and power while all other groups just don’t want to step up. That is quite a big coincidence.

      4. I have always earned more than my husband but we always had what felt like a fair division of labor. He took long paternity leaves with our children and at times was the primary parent. He got a new job a few years ago, which meant he worked more than me and our incomes were similar. Then the pandemic hit. His job is considered “essential” and cannot physically be done from home. I have a lawyer desk job that can. So I worked from home while managing our children’s online schooling and became completely overwhelmed. He helped where he could, but the fact that he could not work from home while me and the children had to made things so, so hard.

    3. Hmmm….there’s certainly truth to this, particularly in some marriages, but I think there’s another, larger, factor at play. The fact that so many jobs now don’t require 40 hours, but 50. In my family, we could handle 2 jobs with short commutes that are both 40 hours. But, change that to 50 hours each and the stress level in the family goes up exponentially. Rather than blame my husband, and expect him to also be busy (either at work, or with home stuff) every single second of every single day, I’d really rather we focused on making more jobs 40 hours, or even have the option for 30 hours.

        1. Most jobs don’t have part time options. At least not comparable ones. I would love to work PT if it meant commensurate work and salary. But I am not taking a 50% pay cut to take a part time job and say I’m working 80% when I’ll probably still be stuck working 100%.

        2. Meh I have a 60 hour a week job. It only works because my husbands job is only 20-30 hours most of the time and he’s the primary caregiver. It wouldn’t work for both of us to have more than full time jobs and in so many fields part time work doesn’t exist

      3. I think this is true, too. Two thirty-hour weeks (or even forty, if it includes the work you do at night/on weekends) seems way more manageable for two partners.

      4. I’m also questioning how many jobs are really 40-50 hour jobs, rather than 35 hour jobs with silly availability and face time requirements. There’s a fair amount of evidence that people are just as productive over 6 hours as over 8 hours. You power through your stuff in 6; in 8 hours, your brain slows down, you goof off, you try to fill the time.

    4. Definitely true in many marriages, but not mine.

      One issue I have is that my husband’s work is far more blue collar than mine. He needs to be physically at job sites for several hours, every single day. We were 51/49 before the pandemic (according to that third shift questionnaire thing), but during the pandemic the weight fell heavy on me. I was home all day, the kids were home all day, and the kids were not alright. He was always great when he was home, but that was only in evenings and weekends. By the time schools reopened, I was burnt out from months of managing meltdowns, zoom school, and working late into the night. I still haven’t recovered! So I am thinking about quitting for a while.

    5. The systemic inequality of parenting is a significant part of why I’m childfree. When people ask “But don’t you want to be a mother?” my response is “Definitely not, but I wouldn’t mind being a father”.

      1. Same here. Child free, would happily be a 50s dad but not at all interested in being a mom.

      2. This depends on your partner. I told my husband when we were dating that if he wanted kids, I needed an equal partner for myriad reasons. And he is truly an equal partner. I’ve probably done fewer than 10 loads of laundry in almost a decade of marriage. We split up (and switch) parenting duties quite often and equally. Sometimes I do bath, sometimes he does. Sometimes I do doctor appointments, sometimes he does. But I’m also pretty blunt and kind of a PITA. Shrug.

        1. Doing half the chores is great, but a man is not capable of taking on his fair share of the havoc pregnancy and childbirth wreaks on the body. I’m not interested in permanent incontinence, tears, loosened ligaments, foot problems, gestational diabetes, giving up my necessary medications for nine months, or any other myriad possible effects of carrying a fetus.

          If we grew babies in artificial wombs, I’d consider it.

          1. I have two bio kids. If I were a man (or a had a female spouse who could do 50/50 with me), I would have four or five bio kids easy.

          2. I 100% agree that parenting should be egalitarian, but you’re exaggerating the wear and tear on the body. You’re assuming all the worst case outcomes will happen to you.

          3. Anon 12:08 here. Those are all the worse case scenarios. If you eat reasonably, try to keep exercising, and rest and hydrate as needed, you will likely be fine. It just take time (people say 9 months but I found I felt like it took me a year). I’d argue the pandemic had more harmful effects than pregnancy!

            But no worries, PP. All good and you do you.

          4. Pregnancy is a huge detriment to the female body. At least be honest and don’t try and trick other women like the media does.

          5. It’s not necessarily a huge detriment. One benefit of pregnancy and breastfeeding is a protective effect against breast cancer.

          6. Pregnancy takes a giant toll on a woman’s body, even a healthy one. Please don’t pretend like the poster is exaggerating. I was always pro choice but nothing cemented that view like being pregnant with both of my very wanted children. One of my pregnancies nearly killed me (like legitimately would have died if I hadn’t already been admitted to the hospital and near an operating room with doctors on call and still lost enough blood to need several transfusions) and my other healthy/normal pregnancy was still a toll on my body and my hormones. It’s pretty cr*ppy to downplay the legitimate toll a pregnancy takes on your body and especially cr*ppy to pretend like someone expressing concerns over very real risks is somehow hysterical

          7. The protective effect of BF-ing on breast cancer is highly overblown. Do not count on that.

          8. Two things are simultaneously true: being healthy before and during pregnancy makes an incredible difference, and, no matter what you do, pregnancy is very destructive to the body and hard on the psyche.

            I am a serious (and good) runner, and fuel my body accordingly. I kept that up during pregnancy, with the result that I was dropping side planks and doing kettlebell workouts literally the day before I gave birth, with blood pressure only nudging above 100/55 when my contractions got bad. Nevertheless, it took an entire year for my body to recover and my hormones to straighten out, and my abdominal muscles are still not where they were before I got pregnant.

      3. This would be me but it was clear before we had kids that husband would be the primary caregiver with a hope to go part time if financially possible. I agree though, I wouldn’t want to have kids unless I had a partner willing to do most of the heavy lifting. 50/50 is nice but I don’t know any women who didn’t end up doing more than they thought they would (myself included). I think if you want 50/50 you need to be clear with your partner you want like 75/25 snd you’ll probably end closer to 50:50

      4. Child free. Yet, when my husband asks is if we lived in your home country (with generous leave for both parents, child care support, etc.), would we still be child free and I always wonder if my answer would be different.

        1. Here’s my piece of anecdata. If DH and I had a kid we could get 18 month (not weeks) between us fully paid parental leave and I still didn’t do it.

    6. I out earn DH and I have effectively been a single mom during the pandemic. DH decided to lean way in to work (totally not required in any way, purely a personal choice) and leave the homebound remote learning children to me while I continued to work FT from home.

      I begged, threatened and pleaded for help. He did nothing. I just kicked him out. He wasn’t super helpful before but the complete lack of support for me and our children during COVID was the final straw.

      Oddly he was fairly helpful when the kids were babies – he would wake up with them, etc.

      Sadly, the kids weren’t even upset by the news of him moving out. They basically said they didn’t think anything would really change because he’s never around any way.

      1. Sorry you’ve went though this. Very similar to my stores Pre-pandemic. It is hard but has been worth it for me. (((Hugs)))

        1. Thanks :) DH is sure that I’m just being unreasonable and that “everyone” would understand that he has to work. Uh, no, you don’t have to work PLUS work extra AND go to your office ALL THE TIME when WFH is entirely acceptable and your boss is even telling you to take it easy.

          2. “Yeah, he was just abandoning you during a tough time. Plain and simple.”

            OMG, 100%! Someone told me the other day that “one good thing about the pandemic is that it has really revealed who some people truly are” and that is definitely true in the case of the OP’s husband, who revealed himself to be a selfish coward. Wonder what he would do if she got seriously sick or one of the kids did?? It’s always better, IMO, to find out that someone is dead weight when you still have the opportunity to pitch them overboard!

          3. @anon You are spot on. For the record, when I’ve had surgery requiring care giving he has arranged for my parents to come and “visit.” I am smart and capable and I still put up with this nonsense for far too long.

      3. I’m sorry you’re going through this – but also really glad for you that you took this step. I really don’t think you’ll regret it and it will be by far the best choice for your kids.

    7. This tracks with so much of what I’ve seen on Instagram, where I see these memes about husbands not doing anything to care for the kids or help around the house and I think to myself, “some of these women are married to some worthless-ass men.” I count myself lucky to not be one of those women – my husband has been materially and substantially involved in our child’s care from the day he was born. But in general I think that we have just done a poor job of not holding men to a higher standard. How did it get normalized that men always get to sleep in on the weekends while the mom gets up at 5 a.m. both days with the kids (a persistent meme I see)? When my kid was little we took turns and one of us would sleep in Saturday; the other on Sunday. Is it that women who manage to “land a man” who sticks around don’t want to rock the boat, and so will just concede and concede and concede until somehow they are doing 90% of the childcare and housework AND working full-time? I can say from what I have observed by watching my friends: it is better to be on your own than be a “married single mom” with what amounts to an adult child living in your house mooching off your energy and labor. Maybe we need to do more normalization of single motherhood by choice. Any man is not better than no man at all, by a long shot.

      1. Agree. Since our first was a baby, I have had Saturday mornings off until noon and DH has Sunday mornings off until noon. During the week he gets up every morning and gives them breakfast while I shower and dress in peace. Usually brings me up a coffee. I make lunches and dress kids. Alternate dropping them off.

        He also did half of the wakings – I did Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, He did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and we alternated Saturdays. It was a bit more on me as I EBF but I never got out of bed or even sat up on his nights. He brought me the baby, dozed while I nursed for 15-20 minutes and then settled the baby again. BF doesn’t have to set the tone for the relationship, I actually enjoyed it and don’t regret waking up for a few minutes on my nights off.

        And we split chores into whole responsibility areas (I have laundry, he has dishes etc). I’m not sure I even remember how to work the dishwasher anymore.

        1. I want to +1 your system of equalizing the work when you’re BF. My husband and I did the same. He did 75+% of the waking in the middle of the night. I would BF while lying down and dozing, then he would change the diaper if necessary and take baby back to her bed. This sort of naturally worked out for us because he is a lighter sleeper than I am.

    8. So I have a question. I get that some crap men realize after having babies that they don’t like parenting and they want the woman to do it all.

      But, I’ve heard some comments about certain men we know that just want the wife to pump out babies to keep her home and out of the workforce. How does that benefit the man? Wouldn’t he be better off with less babies and a working spouse so more overall household income? Is it the control aspect of wanting someone entirely dependent on him? Why are there men that want women not to work?

      1. to clear up this question, no man has said this about yourself. It is certain friends theorizing about other friend’s ex husbands.

      2. honestly I think having a large family and SAH wife is a status symbol among a certain set of M&A / finance d-bag types. “Look at my powerful sp-rm and earning power!”

        1. Lol. I definitely get that vibe from certain high-earning men. But then they ALSO complain about their wives constantly.

        2. +1 I have noticed this on another board I frequent (DCUM). I also see the flip side there, SAHMs bragging about their seven figure earning spouses. Both make me nauseous.

      3. It’s about control, feeling powerful, and not being threatened. Yes, there are men like this. I dated one of them for four hellish months. It was everything from picking LONG fights with me the night before exams to torpedo my grades, to pressuring me for sex and heavily implying that we could just do “baby sex” without a condom. It seemed like his plan was that I would get pregnant, drop out of college, we would move into married student housing, and he would “support” us. He harassed my friends and stalked me when I dumped him.

        Trust me, those men exist. They are horrible, and yes, it would be better for them if their super-smart wives were also contributing to the household. However, their addiction to power is greater than their rational self-interest.

        1. It absolutely is, if you are a responsible, thoughtful adult who understands that every child brought into this world should be fed, clothed, educated, housed and cared for in a way that will enable them to reach their potential. I see people who have six kids with no intention of managing their educational or enrichment opportunities or providing them with some level of college funding as intensely selfish. The kids didn’t ask to be born into that context. I think many parents go way overboard in terms of helicopter parenting their kids, and then on the flip side there are the Duggars, who kept pumping out kids “for Jesus” and expected that the kids would take care of raising themselves somehow. And look how well THAT situation has turned out! Definitely a family to emulate!

          1. You took “why do wealthy men want more than 2 kids” to a totally different place when all I was pointing out is it’s not weird that a status obsessed man would want a lot of his genetic material walking around.

      5. An exhausted, stressed-out wife who is financially dependent on you is easier to control, plus a giant brood keeps her too busy and frazzled to question your “working late” (i.e., banging the secretary).

        If this sounds like a 50s cliche, there’s a reason. Men like this still mentally live then.

        1. I know I man like this who is in his early forties. His wife does 100% of the childcare. My husband was in a group sport with him when one of their teammates wanted to take a few weeks off practice when his wife gave birth to their first.

          This guy advised the new dad to “put his foot down now and remind her who’s boss” and other BS like that. That guy quit the team.

          When my husband told me the story I couldn’t believe he hadn’t also quit. He thought about it from my perspective and said “you know what? You’re right” and he quit too.

      6. Watching my husband’s friends and acquaintances, it’s definitely a control issue, plus these guys feel entitled to “work late” and screw around with their junior coworkers or assistants since “their wife doesn’t understand them because she’s obsessed with the kids.” I feel bad for these women in the aggregate, but they are also the women who make me want to climb the walls at parties because the only thing we have in common is kids and I am far less involved in the specifics of say, the assistant soccer coach’s athletic philosophy than they expect me to be as an alleged “good mother.”

      7. “How does that benefit the man? Wouldn’t he be better off with less babies and a working spouse so more overall household income?”

        It does not benefit the man in any way, but this doesn’t become evident to some men until later in their life (and in some cases not at all). The realization comes about when one of the following things happens:

        – Kids graduate from school and there’s no (or little) college savings because supporting multiple kids on one income doesn’t allow for a lot of saving to occur. The kids are more or less left on their own to finance college because it was more important for Little Mother to stay home and raise kids than contribute financially.

        – Someone gets cancer and there’s a dawning realization that deductibles and coinsurance are expensive, and where’s the money going to come from? And if it’s the husband who gets sick, how will they maintain health insurance if he gets too sick to work and has to quit?

        – Retirement comes into focus on the horizon and they hear people talking about retiring to an island after they sell the nice house they have tons of equity in, that hasn’t been destroyed by four kids, and use the income from their retirement savings. It is truly scary to me how many single-earner households I hear about where there is one poorly-funded retirement account to support two people in retirement. And with the wife only eligible for a fraction of the Social Security earnings they could have had if they had worked! I honestly believe many of those couples are secretly relying on the idea their kids will support them in their old age.

        – Finally, there’s the ever-popular “last kid’s out of high school” divorce and the he-man dad realizes that by insisting his wife not work, he has set himself up for alimony payments – and in our state, a community-property split of any assets. He worked all those years and didn’t want wifey to work, and now he gets maybe half of everything, and an ongoing support obligation until she can get some kind of a job (and if she’s over 50 and has been out of the workforce for two decades, it’s unlikely anything she gets is going to be very high-paying). Of course, the wife in this scenario has screwed herself even harder, but hey, they get to enjoy the moral high ground of “we never had to send our kids to daycare! We raised our kids ourselves!” Which I hope is an effective mental salve when they have to repeatedly send utility-company collection calls to voicemail.

        Single-earner, multiple-child households where the breadwinner is earning an average income are the worst sucker bet of all time; anyone who can do basic math and understand basic legal concepts should be able to see that having multiple kids and only one earner is both extremely risky and not likely to result in any kind of lasting affluence. But some people prefer to let “tradition” or their religion make decisions for them, and in those cases, I don’t feel sorry for them when they experience adverse outcomes.

        1. All of this. So much all of this.

          These couples are relying on a lot of outdated ideas. Yes, they think the kids will support them, but do not, for a single second, consider that their kids will be unable to support them if they follow the same path of middling job + SAHW + bunch of kids. They think that Social Security will keep both of them in comfort. They think that their kids will get big scholarships to college or will “work their way through like we did,” and don’t understand that you can’t work your way through, and having even $30k socked away for each child is game-changing in terms of financing higher ed.

          What every strategy has in common is expecting someone else to pay for this.

      8. Four kids (why is it always three girls followed by a boy?) seems to be a huge status symbol for these men. But I sometimes wonder if the wives are complicit so they have an excuse not to go back to work.

        On the other hand, you now have all the “progressive” men who very much want their wives to work, ideally in jobs they can brag about, while also handling most of the kid and house stuff.

    9. This is certainly a piece of the puzzle, no question. But one thing I’ve seen written about during the pandemic–that I really really agree with–is how it’s shined a light on how much in US society we place the onus for figuring out the logistical challenges of childrearing on the individual. Of course as the article points out, that tends to fall disporportionately on mothers to figure it out, and that’s not good. But this article doesn’t do a whole lot better, because it only expands the focus a tiny bit to the level of the individual family unit. Yes, you do need to try to divide household chores and kid responsibilities evenly within the household, BUT, in my experience, it’s the much bigger scale issues that make dual-working parenting so hard. It’s a lack of widely-available, affordable, full day childcare (what are these summer camps that go 9-3?!). It is a school schedule that was built in an era of stay at home moms and farm workers and has not adapted. It is unreasonable work demands. Those are the things that break you down over time, keep you in stress mode and building these elaborate excel charts to make sure you have summer coverage, and even a true 50/50 split can’t alleviate it. The author of the article is right as to her limited subject here, but fixing this does not fix the underlying problem. We need to work on shifting the conversation around parenting from making it an individual problem to talking about systemic solutions if we want to make real forward progress on these issues.

      1. 9-3? I would have been so happy to find one of those. The most popular camps in my area were something like 9-1. My kids couldn’t go to them and were “othered” by their friend groups.

      2. I remember there were so many preschools we couldn’t even consider because the hours were like 10-1 or some other nonsense. My kid attended one fancy fancy summer camp that was 9-3, and I think it could keep those hours because most of the parents were private school people who either had a nanny for school pickups or a SAHM.

        To be frank, I never considered a third kid because of the big, structural stuff. With two kids, we managed to do preschool and pay for activities and can save some for college. With a third kid, we’d have needed a different car, a renovation to our house, and would have been way more strapped about activities.

  14. Hit me with all of your 70th birthday gifts and party ideas! My dad is turning 70 in the fall, but I want to start planning. Some things about him and our family:
    – He retired a few months ago, mom still works part time
    – They have not started their retirement travel tour yet…they will probably wait a few more years until mom retires
    – He has no living parents or siblings, and no grandchildren. He has 4 kids with our mom, 1 kid is estranged and party will likely just be him, mom, and 3 adult children/spouses
    – He is a quiet, gentle person
    – He is a fantastic piano player
    – He loves history, especially American history, niche history like the history of American towns, the NY Yankees (his favorite sports teams)
    – He likes the beach (they go a few times a year)
    – He likes to read

    Any and all ideas welcome! So far I have a signed memoir from a NY Yankees player. I think I will also make one of those “on this day in 1951” posters to set up. That’s all I have so far.

    2. I forgot to add that he never got a retirement party so anything related to that can possibly be intertwined here

    3. so when my dad turned 70 we got him the NY Times book that has the front page of the paper on his birthday, every year since the day he was born. He really liked it. One thing though, is i kind of wish we’d purchased it after his bday so it could have actually included the paper from the day of his 70th. They also have various sports books, but it sounds like you’ve got that covered. where do your parents live? Yankee Tickets could be a good gift. we also had all of his friends/extended family send in birthday cards, with the goal of collecting 70+ cards, which was fun to give him. you sound like a very thoughtful daugther

    5. eBay is full of old maps. I found 19th century maps showing my area of NYC, which was farms at the time, with all the boundaries delineated and names of the families noted. Rare/antique book stores may also have histories of counties published 100+ years ago — they often include detailed information about what family owned what far, and other minutia, which is kind of fun for some of us.

    6. If your Dad likes to travel, is there anywhere he would like to go that your Mom is not interested in? If so, book a trip to there and go with him.

      I did two trips with my Dad like this — when he was late 60s and late 70s. Both were great.

      Sadly, he passed away very unexpectedly last year. I have lots of great memories and pictures — especially from those two trips.

    7. What about a subscription to ancestry.com or similar so he can do a little genealogical research?

    8. We had a 70s disco party for my husband’s 70s (complete with appropriate attire) and everybody LOVED it. I was nervous that the guests wouldn’t be into it but everybody of every age danced their (platform) shoes off.

  15. Talk to me about dandruff. I’ve noticed the day I wash my hair I don’t have any, but on day 2 there are flakes visible in my hair. My hair is dark so it really shows. I try to brush out the flakes but they are still visible. Dry shampoo really exacerbates it, but it’s still an issue without dry shampoo. I’ve been using anti-dandruff shampoos but have seen no improvement, and they dry my hair out. Any advice?

    2. Dandruff is a fungal infection. You may just have dry scalp, which needs to be treated with a completely different set of products. I find little bottles of coconut or other oils from the ethnic hair aisle to be super helpful when my scalp is dry.

    3. Have you consulted a doctor or dermatologist? Plenty of people are able to wash their hair less frequently than this without issues, so this sounds more like an actual condition than a hygeine issue to me.

    5. Dermatologist. They can prescribe a shampoo that is better/more effective than OTC dandruff shampoo based on their observations. I did this and it was super helpful.

    6. Is it all throughout your hair, or in specific places? I thought I had dandruff around my hairline, but it was actually the dry skin on my face migrating up from being shoved around on the pillow while I tossed and turned in my sleep.

    7. I have psoriasis that is also on my scalp. There’s no shampoo cure, only way to deal is to wash it daily. It looks like dandruff if it’s not washed.

      1. Ditto. And worse, I pick at my scalp subconsciously because of the psoriasis. It is a terrible habit.

        While there is no “cure” I do find the teatree brand shampoo and conditioner (sold at salons) very soothing.

    8. There are different active ingredients in different dandruff shampoos, so maybe switch it up? I use shampoo directly on my scalp instead of washing all my hair with it, if that makes sense. I also stop putting any products on my scalp.

    9. It might just be dry skin and not dandruff. I gotta moisturize my scalp or else in get flakey.

    10. Dandruff is most often caused by an oily scalp and can be more yellowish in color. If you have a dry scalp, you’re likely seeing small white flakes. It’s pretty tough to find good solutions for dry scalp; everything seems to go back to solutions for dandruff instead and that’s not really good as they’re drying. I’ve found that tea tree does help with dry scalp; I wash with tea tree shampoo, then condition with OGX coconut conditioner, and wash again with OGX coconut shampoo. Part of the reason for this process is my dry scalp and the other part is that my hair is very fine and straight so if I condition last, it has less body.

    11. I get dandruff if the shampoo has sodium laurel sulfate (which can also be found in tar shampoo!). Switching out ingredients made all the difference.

  16. Calling all people with yards and gardens!
    For years I’ve had a landscaping company cut our grass weekly and put down mulch/weed once a year or so, but the rest of my yard is always unkempt – weedy gardens hiding all the plants, slate patio with weeds poking through, beds in need of edging. I’d decided a relaxing yard is part of my self-care, so I’d like the yard to look nice most of the time and not just when I get my act together once a year. Is there a name for this kind of regular service (versus asking for tasks one-off)? Is it monthly or biweekly? What might it cost for a medium size suburban yard? DC area.

    1. The same people that weekly cut your grass can pull your weeds once a week. They can also help with basically landscaping like planting native plants that require little care, planting seasonal plants in spring, laying down weed fabric and gravel around the plants if you don’t want heavy upkeep.

    2. If you are using a landscaping service for mowing then just talk to them directly about what you want- more regular maintenance of the yard. They’ll probably do a walk-around with you where you tell them what you want them to do (or even how you want it to look, and they’ll let you know what they need to do) and they’ll give you a quote/ proposal. What they propose will totally depend on what you want them to do (weed? weed and feed? do lawn maintenance like fertilize, thatch, overseed etc? prune? install annuals? thin plants? seasonal edging? annual? etc.)

      If your lawn-cutters are really more like 2-dudes-and-a-mower vs a full company they may point you elsewhere. But what you want are landscapers.

    3. Sounds like you have a basic “mow and blow” service. Most of these companies will also do weeding for a little more money. I wouldn’t hire one that didn’t do it, because weeding is the hard part.

      For the weeds between your paving stones, once in a while go out there with a full teapot of just boiled water and pour it generously on as many weeds as you can. This will kill them without leaving you with a hole in the filler between the stones.

  17. If you and your partner had a breach of trust, how or what did you do to get back on track? To make a long story short, it is my fault, and because I deleted the text messages, my husband can never know for sure what happened. What actually happened was very minor, but because there’s no proof, he doesn’t believe me. Part of his disbelief is based on the fact that he cannot believe I would actually delete such innocuous messages. Fair enough, but there’s nothing I can do now to prove it to him. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be married to someone who, every 3-6 months, talks about how it all doesn’t add up.

    1. You’re being way too generic here in a way that tries to make you look good but in fact makes you look way more culpable. So you cheated or had inappropriately flirtatious messages with another person? And you’re upset your husband doesn’t trust you?

      He doesn’t, for good reason. You need to see a couple’s therapist, but mainly a personal therapist to help you admit and see what you did wrong before your husband can trust you again.

      1. No, I didn’t do either of those things. I’d describe it as I was overly friendly with a colleague, and he texted me while we were both on vacation with our respective families. I found it inappropriate, and after generically replying (like, haha! or something similar), deleted the messages. Totally admit I didn’t want my husband to see it, because I didn’t want to deal with it, but in hindsight, him seeing it would have been a thousand times preferable to this.
        So your point is taken that I have personal accountability here and created the situation by making someone feel it was ok to text me at that time, but I guess the question I was asking is, when the truth (that it never went any farther than that) isn’t enough, what have other folks done to try to get back on track? Maybe therapy is the only answer.

        1. The fact that you were nervous your husband would see a friendly text from a colleague means there is way, way, way more to the issue than the consequences of you deleting it. How did he find out?

          1. No, I mean, there was an element of inappropriateness to it, for sure. Not during work hours, both on vacation, just to chat. I was uncomfortable with it and felt it was more friendly that it should have been. Other people might have been totally fine with it, but I wasn’t, and I knew my husband wouldn’t have been. I answered your other question down thread too.

          2. “not during work hours, both on vacation, just to chat”

            I 100% exchange texts with coworkers (female and male) that fall into this category. I think my husband has maybe met 1 or 2 of them before? It’s a non-issue. But then it’s also a non-issue because he knows that if he asked for my phone and scrolled through all of my messages, there’s nothing in there he can’t see. But he’d never actually ask to do that because he trusts me (and if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be married to him – not because I have anything to hide, but because trust is the cornerstone).

          3. Agreed with 1:29. I have two coworker friends and for example I was on vacation when Will and Kate were on a tour and we were texting about the fashion and jewels, lol. Or they’ll text with a particularly omg can you believe this work story. Nothing weird about it.

          4. Right, my entire team has a WhatsApp chat and we all will post/respond when on PTO and there are silly memes/chit chat about vacation stuff/animal photos posted all the time. I do the same 1:1 with my direct reports and my boss and it’s never been inappropriate or questioned by my husband. *Are* you too emotionally involved with this coworker? Because the behavior you’ve described is pretty innocuous/normal (especially now when I feel like we’re all communicating with our teams more virtually to connect during the pandemic). I think your husband is picking up on that more than singling the behavior out?
            Either way – therapy.

        2. Can you find a way to access those text messages? If it’s as innocuous as you say, I think you should be able to get the records from your cell phone carrier and prove it?

        3. Your husband sounds controlling, honestly. An innocent text from your colleague that wasn’t about work, that you deleted because you didn’t want him to see it? You’re tiptoeing around his controlling nature, not the fact that you’ve done something wrong here.

    2. Oooh, no advice, but can really relate. This happened when my husband was checking my browsing history one day, I cleared it that night (which I do periodically), then he checked again the next day. Nothing I was trying to hide, just happened that those were the two days he decided to check it. Still comes up as an issue every few weeks/months.

      1. …why was he checking your browser history?? I have nothing to hide from my partner but that doesn’t mean I want him to be privy to every ridiculous thing I’ve googled and every reddit rabbit hole I went down!

        To the OP — this is a job for a couples therapist.

        1. Omg, this. So much. What! I clear my browsing history like daily in case I get hit by a bus.

          1. Yup I clear my browser history too and it has nothing at all to do with being shady. I just don’t want people to know the dumb (legitimately dumb) things I google like I swear I looked at how to polish chrome bathroom fixtures on 5 different websites yesterday. I like to keep those things private

          2. I don’t clear it daily but I 100% browse in private mode when I’m searching something that is either embarrassing or SUCH a one-off that I don’t want it cluttering up my auto-fill ever again

          3. Right, like I watch murder shows and listen to murder podcasts, and that leads to Googling some really weird things that if someone looked at my browser history (even if they knew me relatively well) they would think I was a psychopath. Browser histories are like nightstand drawers, everyone needs to stay the F out of them unless there is a dire life-or-death reason (like I have gone missing and may end up as the subject of a murder show myself). That’s private! I would never look at my husband’s browser history without his permission and I don’t want him looking at mine either. As a longtime married person let me clarify that being married absolutely does not mean sharing absolutely everything with your spouse!

      2. What?? Why is your husband checking your browser history? I would NOT want my husband to know how I spend my time on the internet and nothing I do is sus or even at all intersting, it’s just private (does he really need to know the deep dive I did into the Nicole Ritchie Brodie Jenner relationship history . . ..). I also would NOT want to know what my husband does on the internet. I totally trust him but have no interest in learning what was on his mind that day that he didn’t chose to share with me.

      5. Wtf was he checking your browsing history two days in a row? DH and I don’t share devices because we just don’t, not any kind of trust thing, so my reaction is colored by that – but I’d have a huge problem with him checking my browser history that often and I have absolutely nothing to hide from him.

      6. This is a major, major, major red flag. Please examine other aspects of your relationship. Is he monitoring your behavior or giving you instructions in other areas of your life?

        3. +1 as evidenced by the overwhelming number of people who find this weird, this is a huge red flag. Especially if he keeps bringing it up! Double red flag

      7. Ewwww why would he check your browser history? I would be absolutely livid if my partner did that once, let alone regularly.

    3. I don’t know that this is the right answer, but if you were texting with someone else, could you have that person send you a screen shot of the texts? Could your carrier provide your text logs? I know that sounds extreme but it might just put an end to what could otherwise be a really drawn out situation.

      1. This is what I would do. Show him the requests for the screenshots from the other person. The effort to obtain the texts, even if not successful, should help.

        1. Unmmm reaching out more to the person you cheated with doesn’t seem like the way

          1. I agree. Do not do this. Also it would be futile as it seems OP’s H is hellbent on not believing OP anyway.

          2. Yeah, the way bigger point is that the husband is not going to just drop this if he sees the texts.

      2. Do carriers actually keep texts? I doubt it, it would take up so much storage space to keep every single customer’s texts.

        1. As someone who frequently uses text messages in lawsuits, carriers definitely have all your texts! Even if you delete them on your device.

          1. Oh okay, good to know! I once had to provide certain texts to the police for a thing and they had to take my phone to do it and took them forever and they still couldn’t get everything they needed that way. A detective ended up taking pictures of imessage on my laptop screen.

          2. Really? The actual substance of the message, or just the records of the activity? My ex tried to subpoena my texts in my divorce and AT&T’s response was that they did not have the content of the messages, just the records of when texts were sent and who the parties were.

          3. I obtain the actual, substantive texts. But I don’t know how long each carrier keeps the data. If your ex tried to subpoena texts too late, the data may have already been purged.

          5. Also someone who obtains texts from carriers and uses them in court – if you’re an iPhone user, any iMessages won’t be held by the carrier. Only green texts, actual SMS messages, and MMS messages, if you remember those from the Nokia days.

      3. I can’t imagine getting the texts would be the end of it. Either he would find something objectionable in the texts or he will find something else to be suspicious about. GIANT RED FLAG.

    5. How does he know about the problematic texts if you deleted them without showing him?

      1. He claimed he saw a later text and wondered where the rest of the thread was. I never addressed why he was looking at my texts because the other issues were bigger. I work with the guy on a few projects so get occasional work related texts still.

      1. I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but yea, this. If he’s pretending to let it go and then brings it up again every few months I just don’t think there’s anything you can do. He’s either going to let it go or isn’t and it seems to me like he isn’t.

        1. OPs story sounds innocuous so divorce may be the right answer. But for people who actually cheated and are trying to save their marriage, I think the wounded spouse has a right to bring it up periodically when they are steal dealing with the fall out. The hurt doesn’t magically go away just because you decide to stick together. And the cheater just has to deal with talking about it every six months or so. Consider it a penance.

          1. Sorry, I disagree. I think if you decide you want to stick it out then you need to do work on your end to get over it. And I understand healing takes time and all that, and, if in the beginning you need to hash it out, fine. But if you’re going to hold it against the other person and consider it a penance they have to pay – what, indefinitely? for the rest of their life? – no thanks, just divorce them from the get go if you can’t let it go.

          3. Two things are necessary to save a marriage when there’s been cheating: real atonement, and real forgiveness. That means the cheater makes a real, heartfelt, and thorough apology, changes his/her behavior, and the spouse really forgives him/her and makes efforts to move past the hurt (including not using it as an emotional cudgel later). You both have to recommit to the marriage or the divorce will come one way or another.

        2. Agreed, and he seems like the type of person to move on to another problem eventually and latch on to that too.

          1. Yep. After you smooth this over you’re just going to be exchanging one problem for another, because it’s sure to be something else after this.

    7. Marriage counseling. I’m not clear from your posts what exactly happened.

      If a co-worker was texting you while you were on vacation and that was enough for your DH to find the texts problematic – that is a him problem. You are allowed to have friends who are male co-workers.

      If you were exchanging flirty texts with a male co-worker – that is a you problem.

      Either way you guys need a therapist to help figure out boundaries and a path forward.

      1. Right? A male colleague and I have an ongoing Whatsapp chat with our weather complaints (we’re both transplants from warmer countries), our political hot takes, and book recs

    8. I am not the OP or the person who posted downthread, but my spouse does check my browser history.
      It happens because my spouse is logged in on my account on spouse’s phone, in order to use some shared applications that we do not pay for two accounts on. For example, photo storage of the kids or music playlists.
      As a result, it has happened more than once that spouse has checked browser history while being logged into chrome on my account and has seen my search history. Even on incognito mode.

      1. Okay sure your spouse is sharing your device, but why is he or she checking your browser history while they do so? That’s not normal.

  18. Fully vaccinated me is finally going to NYC to meet my brother’s fiance :) What the heck do I wear to dinner? Somewhere nice but not Michelin starred. I have been living in joggers for the pandemic. I have no idea what’s appropriate – I’m not even daring to hope for fashionable ;-0

    1. Other possibly relevant info – I’m a curvy size 8, dinner is in June.

        1. +1. Unless you are going to a handful of very fancy restaurants (which it does not sound like is the case), you can literally wear anything and no one will bat an eye. Depending on the weather and whether you’ll be sitting indoors or outdoors, I would either wear a casual dress or a pair of jeans and a blouse.

          1. Oh good! I’m mainly worried about shoes since I’m packing light. I planned on brining “fashionable” tennis shoes and maybe throwing in sandals so I didn’t know if I’d need real shoes :-)

    2. Almost everywhere in NY is more casual than normal right now. Last night I went to a very nice restaurant and will say most people were dressy-ish (which was really nice to see but noticably different to all my other recent experiences).
      Men wore collared shirts and most were wearing jackets, women mostly in dresses or slacks with a blouse, very few people in denim (but even then it was nice, dark denim). In your situation, I’d wear a nice dress (something like a wrap dress in a jewel color or a floral dress) or a great jumpsuit in black or navy.

    3. From the Philly perspective… cotton or linen sundress (particularly for outdoor reservations) – with flat sandals or moderate wedges or, if you’re cooler than me, fun sneakers. Flowy pants (patterned silky material) with soft tees.
      Rompers or jumpsuits. I am not seeing super high heels or much that is skintight. Full “maxi” length isn’t as common any more, more midi or just-below-knee length skirts/dresses.

      The younger set is venturing into more of the cropped top with high-waisted jeans look but having paid plenty of attention to that trend in 1995 I’m not going near it.

    4. But don’t just wear “anything.” Your brother’s fiance will likely wear something elevated from jeans to try to make a good impression. Don’t make her feel like she overdressed.

  19. But don’t just wear “anything.” Your brother’s fiance will likely wear something elevated from jeans to try to make a good impression. Don’t make her feel like she overdressed.

    3. I was going to say Figleaves, but it looks like they shut down their US store! It’s available on next.us but I have no experience shopping with them.

      1. +1

        Also this year I have joined Team Covered Up and am rocking boy shorts and a short sleeved rash guard from Boden (lightweight sports bra underneath) and couldn’t be happier.

        2. This. I just ordered more board shorts from LL Bean and Jcrew/Lilly/Vineyard Vines all have cute rash guards!

    5. Thank you! I’ll check out the figleaves site and I saw Freya on Bravissimo – really appreciate it!

  21. I need to come up with ideas for a title for a team cookbook that’s a parting gift for our boss. All reports contribute their favorite recipe.

    We are in healthcare, business development/partner deal making/competitive intelligence.

    Do you have any creative ideas for a cook book title? All I’m coming up is stuff like “Deals are cooking” or similar.

  22. This is my 5yo’s first year at day camp. My husband has asked me three times in the last week if there’s a weekly or daily schedule available yet. Camp doesn’t start until the last week of June/first week of July.

    I think it’s nuts to expect this at this point and my husband thinks I’ve picked a disorganized disaster of a camp.

    Does anyone else have a camp schedule yet? Are they really behind? Is this something I should press them on?

    1. I do not have schedules for my kid’s July camp yet. Also, tell your husband that he can ask the camp for the schedule instead of you.

      1. He’s working more than me right now, so I honestly don’t mind.

        I’m just trying to guage which expectations are reasonable.

        1. If he asked three times in one week he clearly has time to call them and ask himself.

        2. If he has time to ask you about it or question your decision then he has the time to follow up himself or find a new camp himself. If you mutually agreed that you are in charge of camps, then you are in charge of camps and he needs to stay out of it. If he’d like to be in charge of camps, he can take over.

          I don’t think not having a detailed schedule this far out is a problem FWIW but the question is whether you and/or your husband does

    2. Normally you would get the daily/specific schedule for the week about a week before hand. My 3 have been in about 10 different camps over the years and I don’t think I ever saw a detailed daily plan in advance, this is in part because we have chosen camps with an outdoor focus so some activities are weather dependent.

    3. “I’m pretty sure they do some activities, have lunch, then do some more activities. Here’s a link to the camp website — feel free to take a look or give them a call!” (This is how you work towards that 50/50 split we’re talking about above…) But to answer your question, no I haven’t received a daily schedule that I know of. It’s also not something I really care about, they’re going to be safe and having fun and I don’t particularly care what they do every hour of the day.

    4. My kids’ camp starts June 7th. They told us we’ll get a schedule on June 2nd.

      In past years they’ve usually had the schedules closer to 1.5 or 2 weeks out, but with so much still up in the air, I understand why we’ve had a big delay this year. Typically the field trips are planned months in advance – at this point half the places are still deciding if they’ll even allow field trips at all. They also plan pool days and park visits during the week, all of which take additional coordination, and our state just changed the mask rules last week so I’m sure that is factoring in as well.

      tl;dr – Tell your husband to chill. He’s way too early even in normal times, and this is still a pandemic. I’m just happy our camp is actually running this year.

    5. The only detailed day camp schedules I’ve ever seen were just examples of a typical day in the camp brochure. I never get a detailed schedule of my child’s actual activities, just instructions on what to send depending on the planned activities. This applies to many different camps, fancy and not.

      If your husband cares about the details this much, why isn’t he the primary contact with the camp?

    6. This is normal. My kid’s well regarded day camp sent it the Friday before camp started (SE US, schools end early here). I think people are just doing their best right now.

    8. We’ve done a lot of camps and daily schedules are typically not available a month or more in advance, except for MAYBE a “typical day looks like….” schedule.
      Do you know why he’s asking? For ex, if it’s because he’s trying to figure out when the day’s programming starts for drop off purposes, that’s something he could call and get an answer to even if the daily schedule isn’t available. When my kids went to a Y camp, there was a set schedule of “open play/etc. from 7-9:30, camp day starts at 9:30 and runs until 3 pm, more open play from 3-6 pm.” But daily “what are we doing all day” schedules are probably not written yet for July.

Comments are closed.