Thursday’s Workwear Report: Roll the Dice Joggers

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It’s getting to the point in my work-from-home life that joggers are my “fancy” work-from-home option. They’re as comfy as leggings but feel a tiny bit more structured.

I love this pair from BlankNYC. They’re made of Tencel, which is a super-soft, sustainable fabric, and they come in two great colors. I like the olive green for a slight change of pace over my usual black leggings.

The joggers are $88 at Nordstrom and available in sizes 1X–3X.

The same joggers are available on BlankNYC's own website for $88 in sizes 24–31.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

403 Comments

      1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. If you don’t like it, just STFU and move alone.

    1. wow–those first two replies shut down this blouse. The contrast collared shirt looks dated to me–very ’90s. The other one is ok, but boring. I guess as a VP in Finance you want to look like a banker/financier, but these have not one ounce of interest or creativity. Can you find a silky blouse that is similar? Adds more drape and a bit of feminity. Try equipment for a start.

      1. The original post was very clearly a serial troll that has posted many times before. Always asking about button down shirts, always giving a specific age in a unnecessary way.

          1. One of my favorite things is when people try to be rude/make a “point” and use the wrong word. Thank you anon at 10:36!

      1. Because your post is very very similar to a persistent tr011 with a weird and s3xual fixation on women’s button down shirts.

        1. FWIW, I’ve seen the troll elsewhere on the internet. They also post on Reddit’s Female Fashion Advice Forum. I once accidentally replied to a seemingly innocuous post about interview attire and they DMed me on Reddit asking weird follow up questions. I then saw a similar post here later that day.

  1. Anyone has the clubhouse app? What are your thoughts? I don’t understand how it’s been hyped up so much. A lot of the talks consist of self-proclaimed experts trying to promote themselves…

    1. I may be using it wrong but I don’t get the hype. I also don’t have enough free time to listen to hours upon hours of random people talking about themselves.

      1. Agreed. SOmetimes there is interesting and well-informed stuff, but I also have listened to the most cringeworthy experts “explain” things on there. I think part of the appeal is that you can be “in the same room” as a celebrity in your field?

        I can’t listen to podcasts or anything with words while I’m working, so I don’t think it’s for me.

    2. Yes. I’ve only been in one chat and got bored and left. But occasionally there are celebrities or experts there which might be interesting to listen to. You can be in the chatroom as one of the speakers or some have people who can only listen and not speak. Obviously the ones with notable speakers are mostly just going to have an audience. I’m not really interested in meeting people lol so I need to check it out again when it’s someone that’s actually interesting to listen to.

        1. Because it’s a live conversation without silly sound effects. But very similar concept.

        2. It’s more like you’re all Facetiming together but with no video. Some people are muted and can only listen.

  2. I would love some perspective from the parents on here:

    I’m in my mid-20s, and I’ve had issues with anxiety and depression since my third year of college. I went to a therapist within 6 months of the first “symptoms”, it helped some, I’ve been on medication and going to therapy since and I’ve learned a lot but its still definitely a part of my life.
    My younger sister is in college, and just told me that she is also feeling anxiety/depression and wants to go to a therapist. I think thats a great idea, helping her do it, etc.
    But I’m starting to wonder . . . two sisters from the same family having this issue? She’s nervous to tell my parents, and while I told I think it’ll be fine since they know all about my stuff and have never said anything bad, I wonder what they will think that both their kids are going to therapy. Is it nature or nurture here? Multiple family members definitely do have anxiety issues, and I think would have benefited from going to therapy, although they never did so. I think my parents did their best and overall I had a decent childhood, but there were definitely personality differences between my parents and I that affected me negatively. The thing is, my sister is very different from me, more similar to my parents and still . . . the same issues.

    So to come to an actual question: 1) Do you think my parents would be “offended” or upset that both daughters are in therapy? 2) Idk how to think about this. Is it just like a coincidence that we both have mental health issues, or is there something deeper there?

    1. I think you’re overthinking this, and you seem to think that therapy is a reflection on your parents, who seem from your description to have been “normal” albeit imperfect parents, who presumably tried their best — not abusers or anything like that.

      1. Completely agree. Needing therapy in no way has to suggest your parents failed.

      2. +1. To answer your first question, OP, maybe they will, but that shouldn’t change things. Your sister is getting the help she needs. You’re an awesome sister for helping her and not judging her.

        I absolutely think there’s a genetic component to mental health problems like anxiety and depression. But you and your sister, presumably growing up together, are going to have common nurture as well as common nature. Perhaps your issues with your parents are just a product of being their child and living with their imperfections, which your sister also did. She can still have clashed with them even if her personality is similar. (Sometimes that makes for more sparks, at least in my family!) I wouldn’t let the why of it all take up too much more of your thoughts.

    2. Not a parent, but SO MANY people have anxiety and depression. Please don’t feel bad that you and your sister are both going through this – it doesn’t reflect badly on her, you, or your parents. If anything, having sibling who is supportive because she’s also experienced what you are going through can be a great support. Get the help you need without worrying about offending anybody!

      1. agreed to this. both my sister and I have been to therapists. same thing with DH and his two siblings. i mean maybe our parents think it reflects badly on them, but i’m pretty sure not. i take medication, DH takes medication, and siblings do too. there is likely a genetic component at play

    3. Alternate option: your sister would benefit from therapy, which is true of a lot of people in college. Her therapy will be better served by NOT having family drama attached to it, nor by having to “manage” any feelings your parents may have.

      If this is somehow biological, you are woefully incapable of making that determination.

      I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are stirring up trouble.

      1. I’m not sure why you think I’m stirring up trouble. I’m musing to an anonymous message board, not saying anything to my parents or sister.

        1. You sound exactly like our friend on the first thread. “Who, me? I am just musing to an anonymous message board.”

        2. Hey, as part of your musing- are you thinking of telling your parents that you found therapy helpful? That way you’re taking action instead of waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and hand-wringing in the meanwhile. I think you could frame it in a non-blaming way. You can even mention that you talked with the therapist about having a good childhood and that you’re thankful for their efforts. Some people’s brains are just wired so that they get stuck in the mud (anxiety spirals, depressive valleys) and the therapist gave you tools to pull yourself out when that happens. So if they’re ever curious about how it helped you, you’re happy to talk about it. You don’t need to get deep into what you talk about (i.e., them). I would not mention anything about your sister, and I don’t think you would.

        3. A mental health professional can help you or her determine the extent to which your childhood or genetic issues play into therapy. Full stop.

          Whether or not your parents are “offended” that their kids are in therapy is not your concern. Your concern is your own mental health and ensuring that your sister feels supported. You are borrowing trouble when trouble is specifically not needed.

    4. What up, genetics!

      Truly though, a couple things are at play and frankly – it makes sense that both of you may have some similar struggles and I’m really glad that you were both raised in an environment that allowed you to realize there was help. Genetics are powerful. My mom has anxiety, my sister has anxiety, I have anxiety, my dad has struggled with addiction used to mask anxiety…

      Look, I was like 25 before I realized that not everybody’s brains spend 2 hours a night thinking through everything you said all day, how it was wrong, and replaying the greatest hits of ‘that awkward thing I did when I was 19 with people I haven’t seen in 12+ years’. I realized that my devoutly religious (and alcoholic!) grandparents were likely experiencing the same issues and just managed theirs with rosaries and guilt and booze.

      I’m proud of you and your sister for working to live your best lives. I would think of it like that.

      1. The key thing is that it gets treated. My in-laws are wired similarly and they just pretend and ignore, so they are all spiraling, which puts a huge burden on the family members who are not spiraling (now: they manage their own affairs and deal with spiraling as novices vs getting trained professionals and maybe meds to help). Bad bad bad. It would be loco to do this for, say, cancer or a heart condition, but go ahead, wreck your peace of mind and your life b/c Feelings and Shame.

      2. This. I found out as a much older adult when my grandmother died that she had ‘the baby blues’ and severe depression at times as did my great-aunt, but this was all discussed as ‘remember that time our aunt came in to take care of us as kids and grandma had to go rest at the hospital’ or ‘yeah, grandma would always take a nap for a few hours when we were at school/didn’t love to see people/etc.’ (insert self-soothing behavior and/or classic depression symptom here). There just wasn’t the same language for understanding mental health at the time.

    5. From your post, it seems that your parent-child relationship is good but not great. They seem to be good people who did their best, but there were some issues.

      Based on that assumption and as a parent, I would say that your parents are going to prioritize their kids’ mental health over their own feelings. I would guess that they want you and your sister to be happy and healthy, and if that means you need mental health treatment they will be supportive. Good parents (even flawed ones) generally put their kids needs first.

      I think there is a genetic component to this (speaking as someone with severe depression in their family). That’s not groundbreaking – lots of literature on it. It doesn’t mean anything deeper IMO

    6. So first off, depression and anxiety aren’t just among the most common mental health issues – they’re among the most common *health* issues in the US, full stop.

      Secondly, so far as we understand, there’s a very strong genetic component to these health issues, as there is to many health issues.

    7. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life, and I have a 17 y.o. daughter who is in therapy to treat anxiety / depression.
      I was very glad to get her a counselor. All I care about is that she gets help and that she learns some skills for coping with these conditions.
      I have family members with anxiety / depression and so I imagine that genetics may be at play here. I’ve been upfront with my daughter that these run in our family and so we have to be mindful that we’re at risk for these, be vigilant about our emotional health, and get help — just the way we would do if the issue were, say, asthma. She came to us and asked to talk to a therapist, and I was so relieved and thankful that she did that. My one aim was to find someone who could help her.
      I hope this may help you. In the end, your parents’ reaction isn’t what’s important — it’s that you and your sister get help.
      It’s good that your sister feels she can trust and confide in you. I truly hope she can find a good therapist.

    8. I think you’re really overly complicating things. If your sister doesn’t feel safe she shouldn’t tell your parents. Some Mental illness seems pretty strongly genetically linked, but not all. Also going to therapy is not some weird unusual thing.

      1. Literally no one is telling my sister to tell her parents, I don’t know what you’re going on about.

        1. Simmer down there, tiger. You said your sister is concerned about telling your parents. You expressed your own concerns to us about how your parents will feel about having two kids in therapy. Commenters are (rightly) pointing out that your sister has the option of not telling your parents, which would render your concerns moot. It’s a fair point.

        2. Then what’s the question? Idk why you are being hostile, people are obviously just trying to respond helpfully. Sorry we haven’t been perfect at it!

          1. The question is more, if they knew, would they be upset. I’m just trying to come to terms with the situation. No one is telling them right now. This is not a practical question, its more of a philosophical one.

          2. I don’t know your parents do I have no idea if they’d be upset, but I think they should be upset the same way parents always are when their child is hurting and they should not be upset in the ways you seem to be worried about.

            I’m sorry you feel like people are being hard on you. I don’t think anyone has been or tried to be.

          3. I mean, my parents would be upset because they’re 100% stiff upper lip Irish Catholic types. We don’t hug or say I love you. They’d prefer everyone just didn’t have any emotions. So, ya, to answer your philosophical question, some parents might be “upset”…. but I also don’t give to effs? Other friends I know are very open with their parents about therapy and are their parents are supportive. I don’t know how we can answer this question for you seeing as we don’t know your parents.

          4. Pondering, we don’t know your parents, so how could we possibly know whether they’d be “upset” or not? They didn’t seem to be upset that you needed it, so why would they be upset that sis needed it? You seem to hold some shame about therapy. IMO, this is like saying “I broke my arm and needed a cast. Now my sister had broken her arm – will my parents be upset?” It makes no sense. Good, supportive people aren’t “upset” over others needing therapy.

        3. Your post is pondering whether you gave your sister the right advice as to whether she should be worried about telling your parents. It may be pointing out the obvious to say she can just avoid telling them, but it’s neither non-responsive nor attacking.

    9. IDK — thyroid issues run in my family. I don’t think that we are defective, just people with genetic diversity (to the extent it’s genes causing this vs random happenstance). I make sure my daughter got treatment for it as her brain would have been ruined if we had not treated it immediately after birth. I don’t see why you’d treat a physical illness and not a non-physical one. They sort of blur together, so it makes all the sense to treat The Things. Not treating The Things is what should reflect badly on a family.

    10. Sorry if I’m missing something here, but does she need to tell your parents? Is her insurance still with them or something? I wonder if her college offers some creative solutions here?
      Granted I’m not in college but I’m a super private person and I really see no need to tell my parents I’m seeing a therapist, and she shouldn’t have to either. I’m not saying it’s bad to tell parents in general, if that’s your type of relationship with your parents great, but if it warrants a question such as this it sounds like maybe she just shouldn’t go there if she doesn’t need to. I don’t see the upside.

      1. She does not need to tell my parents. Yes there is an insurance thing, but I am going to give her the money so she doesn’t have to tell my parents. Idk why everyone got the impression that I’m forcing her to tell my parents or something.

        1. Lol – this is what happens. People go down a rabbit hole and find some sort of fault with the OP.

        2. Sorry, I didn’t think you were forcing her to. I meant my comment to be more like, “if you feel the need to even a little bit worry about this, she probably just shouldn’t..”

        3. If she doesn’t need to tell your parents what is the issue? I really don’t think people are out to get you here!

          1. I’m just thinking out loud. You don’t have to solve my problems for me. Presumably people here have kids my age so I just wanted to philosophize with them. Therefore the whole “nurture vs nature” thing. Therefore the user name “pondering” not “ahhhh what do I do”. I obviously will not be able to tell my parents, so I thought that possibly, I could just get some responses from other parents here.

            I really appreciate the nice, helpful responses other commentators who weren’t assuming the worst (or stupidest) of me gave, and hearing about their own and their families’ experiences.

          2. No one is assuming the worst or stupidest of you. Your post was obviously confusing to many of us and I think people are truly just trying to help.

          3. +1. It was labeled at the end of your post as an actual question. And the question itself implies the parents are finding out somehow. I get now from your follow up posts that you were just philosophizing, but that was not at all clear from the original question. Which is fine, we’re all just freestyling on a message board here and it’s hard to get everything across clearly. But to get upset with people for thinking otherwise seems a little misplaced.

          1. Yeah I think this makes it seem like sis should be ashamed? And what if she needs ongoing meds and therapy?

        4. Even if she’s on their insurance, if she’s over 18, she can get treated through their insurance without having the statements with the billing codes being visible to them.

    11. Question 1 sounds like your anxiety talking. You’re becoming or are independent adults from your parents. If they take issue with you both getting the mental health attention that you need, that’s on them, not you. Also, they don’t actually need to know. It’s your private health information and ultimately non of of their business now that you are an adult.
      Question 2: Again – is this your anxiety trying to find issues to stew on? Anxiety, depression, alcoholism, bipolar, and other issues run throughout my family. I have 5 siblings. All but 2 (that I know of) have been to counselors or therapists for various mental health issues over the decades. My living parent would greatly benefit from said help if they would admit they needed the help. If mental health were more normalized, and not stigmatized, I doubt you’d give this a second thought.

    12. So, I would sincerely hope that your parents wouldn’t be offended you’re in therapy (I certainly would not, and we try to talk with my son in an age-appropriate way that brains get sick and need medicine just like bodies do). That being said, my parents have very very negative connotations to medicine/therapy. I simply don’t discuss this aspect of my life with them because I know they won’t change, and that’s a them issue not a me issue (thanks therapy!)
      Not at all surprised both of you have anxiety – it can and does run in families just like any other health issue. Because – it IS a health issue, NOT a personal failing. Would you be this surprised if you and your sister both had crooked teeth? or needed glasses? or had high blood pressure?

    13. Thought 1: depression and anxiety are skyrocketing during the pandemic. I cannot imagine being a college kid right now. There could be absolutely zero correlation!

      Thought 2: if she thinks she needs help, she needs help. Who cares what parents think?

      And, also, just because you asked about parents, it might not be that anything “happened” but it may be a lot more about the environment you were raised in. High stress/need to succeed? Told you were amazing and the best only to find out everyone else is…also amazing and the best? Not learning heathy stress management?

      Most people are a product of the upbringing, so while *of course* your parents will blame themselves, it could simply be as obvious as your next door neighbors were overachievers so y’all grew up in their shadow. Who knows. Who cares. Make sure your sister gets the help she needs :-).

    14. It could easily be a genetic thing. It could even be a side effect of something like birth control if you have genetic susceptibility to certain side effects. A lot of genetic things that run in families aren’t real medical conditions but just susceptibilities or tendencies… some families run low in vitamin D, for example, while others don’t. Low vitamin D will cause neuropsychiatric symptoms. So will trouble with B vitamins or magnesium deficiency. So it may make sense to do a thorough physical. Have you considered that your parents’ issues may have been because of their own psychology?

    15. If your parents are offended, that’s something they need to deal with. I would much rather my child get the help she needs than pretend nothing is wrong in order to spare my feelings. It’s possible that they’ll be offended. It’s possible that they’ll be glad. Depends on their own level of mental health. It’s probably not a coincidence that you both have issues. Nature and nurture both contribute to mental health issues. Probably one or both of your parents have issues too.

      My sister and I both have dealt with mental health stuff. It’s anxiety for me and depression for her. These come from our genetics and from our upbringing. We have different personalities, so it makes sense to me that I would have anxiety and she would have depression since I’m more high strung and she’s more chill. I think our birth order has a lot to do with our childhood experiences as well, since I was old enough to see some things happen in my family that she didn’t understand.

      I think plenty of people in other generations have dealt with this stuff and haven’t received treatment or have self medicated with alcohol/food/what have you. Even in my mom’s generation, things that are clearly mental illness are just brushed off as someone’s personality. I have an aunt who refuses to leave her home. To my mom and her siblings, it’s not agoraphobia that she could receive treatment for though, it’s “oh Catherine is just a homebody!” Yeah. A homebody. My dad’s severe anxiety, paranoia, and doomsday prepping isn’t a mental health issue, it’s “he’s a worry wart!” Uh huh.

    16. So what you are really asking with question #2 is whether your parents are to blame?

    17. I think you should talk to your therapist about this. A decade ago, when I was your age, I had similar questions about my siblings (different topic/circumstances, but similar premise) and his first question was – why is this any of your business? Why do you care? Because for me, the need to be involved/control different aspects of my family and their relationships with each other was – ding ding ding! – part of long-standing dynamics in my family of origin, and my own perceptions about myself in that dynamic and outside of it, that I needed to break. Looking back, it was a natural part of growing up and forming a new family in my mid-20s with my now-husband – and therapy allowed me to approach that transition with intention of bringing the good from my family of origin and releasing the bad.

      And I absolutely think that it is not surprising you both have similar mental health needs.

    18. My sister and I went through the exact same thing. I think me being in therapy made her more comfortable with the idea and had her thinking of therapy as a solution much more easily than someone who hadn’t seen examples of that in their own life. I can say that I don’t think my parents ever took it as an indictment of their parenting. I think they did chalk it up to my sister and I both being “sensitive”, which is not great but better than them blaming themselves. From my sister and I’s side, we think it’s a genetic thing exacerbated by our personalities. There are many people on my mom’s side of the family who would have benefited from therapy but never went.

    19. I think it really depends on your parents – both of mine have very negative views of therapy and think it’s only for people who are have delusions, etc. My mother thinks that therapy is for blaming your parents, my dad wouldn’t say that but probably thinks it.

      Honestly, more people than you might realize experience anxiety or depression. Sure, it can run in families, but it’s also something where our brains probably are wired to be on the lookout for predators. Great for the wilderness, not so great for urban living.

    20. OK – so I have a kid your sister’s age who was in therapy for anxiety through her teens and am probably around the same age as your parents and this is my take:

      (1) Your parents are likely to be upset that both of their children are in therapy for the same reason they would be upset if both of their children had severe migraines. Parents do not like it when their children are sick. This will be exacerbated by wondering if they did something wrong. That does not mean they will be upset with you or with your sister.

      (2) Anxiety and depression have strong genetic components. What has changed since your parents were young is the acceptability of seeking treatment. Literally half of my daughter’s friend group were seeking some kind of mental health treatment through high school, partly because her high school was a pressure cooker.

      (3) I cannot tell from your post whether you are looking for some conduct of your parents that caused this. That is certainly something you can explore in therapy. However (and I mean this as kindly as possible) part of growing up is recognizing that your parents are human beings with flaws who make mistakes. By your account, your parents were not abusive – just not perfect. Trying to blame them for your issues (if that is what is going on here) is neither kind nor helpful to your recovery. You might be a parent yourself someday and I suggest thinking of your parents are kindly as you hope your own adult children will view your flaws.

      Final note – my mother, my daughter and I all have anxiety. What caused it is not relevant. Blaming someone or something is not helpful. The key in our experience has been taking ownership of our own mental health, learning coping strategies, learning to recognize and stop a spiral, and (sometimes) medication.

      1. That’s awful that students needed mental health treatment just because of high school.

  3. Help me find my unicorn bag! I’m looking for a leather shopper tote that is similar in its appearance to the YSL North South tote. I want short top handles and a separate detachable shoulder strap. Medium size, big enough to hold some magazines vertically but not a Mary Poppins bag. Neutral color leather with a grained texture so it hides scuffs and scratches. Looking for something reasonably durable. Important – interior must have some sort of lining (my current unlined bag deposits leather lint on things carried in the bag, which annoys me). A zipper or other closure is a plus but not essential. Price up to $500.

    1. Take a look at Portland Leather. I have a few bags from them and LOVE them. The inside is not lined but I have had no issues on that front.

    2. The cuyana tall zippered tote fits all your needs except the separate handles and strap. Otherwise, the Madewell zip transport crossbody (not the tote) in medium appears to be lined (looking at their website) and would hit I think all the criteria.

    3. Have you looked into getting a custom bag made? For $500, you could have an independent leatherworker either modify an existing product or make a bag to your specs.
      I have a beautiful tote from Whipping Post that looks amazing 5 years on. I also like bags from Open Hand Leather Goods – I bet they could add a shoulder strap to one of their totes.

    4. Look at Vermut Atelier – on Etsy but also they have their own website. Could be just what you need.

    5. I just got an Allsaints Small Kita backpack and 100% recommend. It has a small top handle but the shoulder straps are not detachable. I often wear just one of the longer straps over my shoulder. I got mine on sale for under $200 but full price is $378. It’s not exactly what you’re looking for but might be worth checking out. For a true shopper tote I’d check out Marni, although you’ll have to get it on sale or at an outlet to stay under $500.

  4. I loved reading the comments here a couple days ago about video games. For anyone looking to merge their love of games with love of fine jewelry, I want to recommend Soulbound NYC – she makes the coolest game inspired pieces, and is incredibly helpful if you need advice choosing a piece.

    These days I mostly just play the sims, but in high school and college I was obsessed with world of warcraft, asheron’s call, doom and half-life. I’ve got my eye on the magic sigil earrings and the warlock ring. So pretty and fun!

    1. In high school and younger, I was all about Soul Calibur, Tekken, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Sim City, Rollercoaster Tycoon, and Diablo.

    2. Loved Thanksgiving afternoons spent playing Super Smash Bros on N64 with all my cousins.

    3. Asheron’s Call!! I haven’t thought about that game in ages, but I LOVED it back in the day!

  5. Anyone have recommendations for leggings that are NOT high-waisted? I know I’m in the minority here, but I find high-waisted leggings uncomfortable and they make me think more about my stomach pooch, not less. I’m interested in leggings for either loungewear or exercise – I know some pairs are better for one than the other, but I don’t have a strong preference.

    1. No suggestions, just commiseration. Waiting for lower rise, or even MID-rise to come back into style again… I did find some mid-rise jersey leggings at Old Navy a few months ago, good for lounging around the house or wearing under snow pants while shoveling.

      1. AGREE. I’m short waisted and high waisted pants and leggings come up to an inch below my bra. It’s horribly uncomfortable and unattractive. My kingdom for low rise pants. It’s been YEARS since low rise pants were in style and I’ve been waiting and hoping that as 90s trends come back that one will too.

        1. If I were an insect, I would have zero thorax. Being pregnant was a challenge (to room to breathe). All pants on me look like Old Man Pants, with the waist up around my armpits when I sit down. #DressesForever

      2. I’m 5’2″, and high rise leggings could be tucked into the band of my bra. Nope nopety nope. Ditto very high rise pants. It looks awful and weird on me.

    2. Also on team low-rise. I hate waistbands pressing on my stomach. I have torso claustrophobia.

      Our preference is not currently in fashion, so I’m waiting for it to circle around again so I can stock up.

    3. L.L. Bean of all places has some mid-rise leggings that I really like. Also offered in petite sizes, and with pockets/without pockets. Style name is “Boundless.”

    4. Could you try petites? I always have to get leggings in tall because although I am medium tall, most of my height is in my legs, so maybe the converse would work for you?

    5. Old Navy has some low-rise options right now. Also try the Calia by Carrie Underwood line at D!ck’s Sporting Goods.

    6. Thank you all! It makes me feel a lot better to know I’m not alone in this, and I’ll definitely check out all the suggestions.

    7. I’m hoping for a democratic shopping environment where we can all buy the rises that work for us and there is no One Rise that the fashion gods allow. Because I’m high rise forever (it’s just my anatomy) and the low rise era was bad for me. I pretty much just wore dresses.

  6. What’s on your bucket list? Or – what have you completed in your life that you’re really proud of? I turn 30 next year and I’m putting together a list of “30 before 30” things I want to do, but with travel most likely out of the picture, I feel like my ideas are limited. I’m not taking it too seriously, for instance, one of my items is to learn how to sew on a button, because I feel like I should know how to do that. Other more interesting ones I have on there are: cook a whole fish (so daunting!), read 52 books, send a card each month to a friend/family, start composting.

      1. Great article. Thanks for the link. I took a Coursera course on the Science of well being LY and it follows these ideas.

      2. OP – Yes, please read this article. If there are things you want to do for yourself, do them. But it sounds unfun to crowdsource a list of “accomplishments” with a big birthday deadline. If the items on your list aren’t yours, then why do them? Why add other people’s lifestyle to-dos, to your “list”, and then feel like a failure if you don’t “accomplish” all of them? Learn to sew a button when one falls off your cardigan – it’s not that hard!

        1. Right on…good advice “Flats Only”! Don’t get caught up trying to accomplish a crowdsourced bucket list – the whole point is that it needs to be YOUR LIST…and that is a list that CANT BE CROWDSOURCED!

    1. Generally I agree with the above posters, but I’ll play because it doesn’t sound like you’re taking yourself too seriously and heaven knows we could use fun ideas that we can do in the middle of a pandemic. Laughing at knowing how to sew a button – I don’t know how to do that and don’t have any desire to know how to do that. But I did start composting a few years ago and am a tad obsessive about it.

      Anyway, things I’ve done that I’m proud of – I think these all came in my late 20s.

      -Skydive. Oh I miss jumping out of planes. If you’re at all curious, do it! I never try and talk people into it if they’re not into it though. Probably not pandemic friendly until vaccines are more widespread, but late summer might be a good possibility.
      -Run for local office – I ran uncontested (and won consequently) to my small local village board.
      -Join a civic group. Harder during the pandemic because mine isn’t having meetings/events. But I very much enjoy volunteer events that we put on for the community.
      -Yoga (or your workout of choice) every day for a month and/or trying out new studios frequently when it’s safe again. I ended up doing yoga teacher training and teaching – love doing that.
      -Start lifting weights – pick a 3-6 week home based program and finish it. For something a little longer, I did Morning Meltdown 100 from Beachbody two years ago and felt SUPER accomplished when I finished in the 100 days. Beachbody on Demand is a MML, that’ll be a consideration for some.
      -Start meditating every day. Perfect time for you to start the habit if you don’t have it, start super small (count 1-2 min/day even) and just shoot for every day to build a streak. I use Insight Timer to keep track and love the guided meditations.
      -Make my own website/branding/marketing for different side hustle businesses – definitely part of the fun for me.

      Here’s what’s on my current list of bucket list things to do:
      -Visit/hike all the state parks in my state.
      -Whitewater rafting trip – maybe West Virigina in September – crossing my fingers this can be a thing.
      -Open a small donation based yoga studio in my small town that currently has zero workout options.
      -Learn to can (like preserve canning) and can a bunch of tomato sauce, homemade spicy V8 juice, peaches and applesauce.
      -New house “finished” decorated in one year – we just moved into our new construction house a month ago and I’m giving myself a year to have basics in place rather than just trying to do it super fast.

      1. Thank you for this thoughtful reply! I really am happy with my life as it is, but especially with covid, I wanted to give myself things to try out and I am a List person. Canning was on my mind..and Ski Diving was also an idea I had, but I’m not sure how Covid Friendly it is.

        1. Honestly skydiving is not at all Covid friendly. That’s just me being wishful thinking putting it on the list. You’re in a very small plane with strangers, one of them who is strapped to your back. I highly recommend going with a tandem instructor so you can just go for the ride and be in their very experienced hands – but that means you’re close and the opposite of social distanced. It normal times, the closeness/tight quarters doesn’t really feel weird at all and I’m someone who always likes space/isn’t very touchy-feely.

          You can go for your first time, do a class and do a static jump (you jump from a lower altitude and the plane pulls the chute cord for you) or maybe even have a little free fall – however this is WAY more stressful and less fun for me. Whenever you do do it, do your first one for fun by going for a ride with someone who’s done it 1000+ times.

        2. I did a 35 for 35 list and it was a lot of fun to do things I hadn’t done (or hadn’t done in a long time). I think I started the list when I was 30 and added items when I thought “oh that sounds fun” until I got to 35 items. Things I remember that I included
          -hot air balloon ride
          – Olympic triathlon
          -Sub 2:00 half marathon
          -Drink a milkshake
          -Go to specific museums in my city (each one a differnent item)
          -One international trip
          -Day at a waterpark with my dad
          -Try a very different new hairstyle

          Hope you have fun making your list and completing it. Now I’m thinking I might want to do a 45 for 45. Thanks for bringing this idea back up!

          1. Ok I have to ask, all of these are pretty deliberate or challenging ideas, what made you add drink a milkshake? I would love to do a hot air balloon ride!

    2. Two things for me in the vein of sewing on a button are learn how to iron (I am truly terrible at ironing) and how to get whites (laundry) whiter – my kitchen towels are like perpetually stained and it drives me crazy! I read 52 books last year and I was so happy with myself. Aiming for the same this year!

      Maybe rename your list to “30 things to accomplish/try/learn this year”? The things you’ve named off are really not things that NEED to be accomplished before your big birthday milestone. I mean I’m closing in on 40 (how that’s possible, I have no idea) and no way in h3ll would I make a list of “things I *should* know before I’m 40” but I would make a list of 40 things that I want to know, learn, try, do.

      1. I’ll rename my list – I really am not taking it super seriously, but liked the way 30 by 30 sounds. Congrats on reading 52 books! I think I can do it because I am a fast reader, it’ll just be making the decision to read at night vs endless Netflix.

    3. I’m older so my bucket list is different. When I was in my twenties I delayed a lot of the fun stuff because I wanted to get to a certain point in my career, have a down payment for a house, and have no other consumer debt. These were all good things to do in hindsight, but I wish I had relaxed a little more! Remember to balance the fun with the serious.

    4. Do you really want to cook a whole fish? I don’t even want to eat a whole fish. I will stick with fillets.

      1. why do this? If she wants to cook a whole fish, she should do it. FFS.

      2. yes I do! Chinese cuisine will cook an entire fish, I’ve had friends grill branzino before. I’d rather try and know if it’s worth the effort or not.

        1. I’ve only done this myself with fresh sardines, but they came out incredibly good. I am not sure if they quite meet the bucket list stipulations though!

          I know I like whole fish since I frequently order it at restaurants.

    5. OK, so while I understand the point folks are making with the Atlantic article, sometimes it’s just nice to have a structured way to add a little joy to your life. I’ve posted about this before I believe but I had a really awful few years and wanted to feel better. So I made a list of things (aspirational and achievable) I wanted to do. It was a useful exercise for me to sit down, think about what I missed about my old life and re-dedicate myself to that, and think about things I disliked about my old life I wanted to fix.

      Did I feel a great sense of joy checking things off the list? No. Did I experience meaningful improvements in my life? Yes.

      Some things that were fun/impactful:
      – Learning to quilt (my aunt taught me and I joined her quilting club so now I have many elderly friends which is lovely)
      – Cooking one recipe from every country in Asia (helped me expand my ability to cook and now my spouse and I eat much more varied, interesting food at home)
      – Learning to make homemade bagels (I throw an annual homemade bagel party, well, I did pre-COVID)
      – Swimming a mile (training for this helped me develop better exercise habits and now I exercise regularly)
      – Arranging a video chat hangout with my cousins (this spiraled out and I see my cousins much more regularly now)
      – Organizing an alumni event for coworkers from a prior job (re-connected me with a number of useful connection for work)
      – Learning about leather care (now my shoes/purses look amazing all the time)
      – Visiting tourist attractions in my city I’d never been to (discovered a bunch of new neighborhoods in my city I now go to more frequently)
      – Getting really good at online scrabble (helps me fill my time with things other than scrolling Instagram)

      1. Thank you!! I love the cooking from every country in Asia one. If you have any favorite recipes from that, I’d love to check them out. Your friends are so lucky to have your bagel party and swimming a mile – I was debating adding something with swimming on there but I don’t have access to a pool, just a lake in the summer. These were great suggestions I appreciate it!

        1. Wow I would love a homemade bagel!!

          OP – looks like you have received some fun ideas! I may copy some of them!

      1. Mine does too. She needs to have someone who isn’t her father helping her manage her life. He is bad news for her, but she isn’t in a position to take care of herself.

        The person who most impressed me is Kevin Federline. He has had the most to potentially gain by selling information but he has consistently not done so. He could have used everything he knew to destroy her, but he chose kindness and care for her and their children instead. That seems like basic decency, but it seems like there hasn’t been much of that in her life.

        1. It’s not basic decency. He only doesn’t talk to the media because doing so would cut off the ridiculous amounts of money he makes from her. And he’s gone to court multiple times to request increases (probably to support his four other children and unemployed wife). Not impressed with him at all. He basically decided that neither he or his wife or ex-gf have to work at all for the rest of their lives…. Britney will just support them all!

    1. I did, and seeing the way the media and our society treated her, condensed into a 1.25 hr block, made me queasy. I was target demographic when she was coming up, and didn’t notice or think anything of how she was treated or spoken about. I just thought “this is what we gals get asked” and “they get to treat us this way” and BOY HOWDY is that screwed up. Seeing it compressed into the documentary vs. experiencing it over time was impactful to say the least. I really interrogated my own experience (…spoiler alert: I am not a multiplatinum recording artist, sorry to disappoint) and thought process.

      No comment on the conservatorship piece, because I haven’t thought too hard about that yet. Still breaking down the first piece!

      1. Strongly agree about the first paragraph. It’s chilling how she was pressured to announce that she was a virgin, while JT bragged about sleeping with her.

        Here’s my question about the conservatorship: if she’s considered safe to care for her kids alone, which she does at least some of the time, how could she be unsafe to handle her estate? How could the risk to her finances be considered greater than the risk to her kids?

        1. Does she though? Part of the reason for the conservatorship to begin with was to get access to the kids back. And it sounds like they’re still primarily on Federline’s watch: https://www.oxygen.com/true-crime-buzz/who-has-custody-of-britney-spears-and-kevin-federlines-kids

          I don’t get how Federline can get a restraining order against the dad on grounds of physical threat to her kids but then still come out in the past few days saying he supports her dad and the current arrangement. I guess that’s where I question his sincerity. Is he a good guy for staying quiet and taking care of her kids, or just someone who doesn’t want to rock the current money train? And how involved is he with those kids really? The recent video where her son talks about how Kevin is cool with whatever he does and refers to how his mom shouldn’t quit music in order to “make bank” spoke volumes about what that household is probably like.

          1. Thanks for the link. It confirms that she has less time with her kids, but there’s no mention of supervision when she does have them. So she still has them for lengths of time without any oversight, suggesting that this is considered safe. I still wonder how this squares with the conservatorship. Is it ok because they can, for example, verify that she is on certain meds and therefore consider her a safe parent?

    2. I think the dad is bad news and always has been. I would like to know how her mom and sister fit in with things. Her mom sacrificed a ton for her and has been in her corner in the past, and last I heard she was petitioning just to be let in on her medical care. That said, I don’t think she’s healthy in a big way. The show didn’t explore that of course. Check out the comments from Lance Bass—he was on Team freeBritney and then all of a sudden said he had talked to her sister and kind of changed his tune. I don’t think he had anything to gain one way or the other and seemed genuine. I also think showing a bunch of clips of someone in their teens engaging isn’t proof they are still OK. For example, someone with schizophrenia may seem like an entirely different person from teens to early 40s. Her Instagram is so strange. She doesn’t seem to talk like she used to—it’s all in a baby voice. I am a huge fan and think the idea of a conservator ship is terrifying. But I also wonder if she truly could care for herself. The other thing that stood out to me was just how bad that time was for females and paparazzi.Everyone remembers the shot of her from under getting out of a car. I remember photos where someone shot up her skirt and literally showed a bloody tampon. It’s like no violation was ever enough. I can’t even imagine the hell she’s been through.

      1. +1 on her mom’s view too.

        I’m also curious if the drugs she had been taking to “treat” her mental illness might have permanently damaged her brain such that she has little chance of recovery now. I recall the court ordering a third party to evaluate her dosage and treatment plan, and how her doctor suddenly had a heart attack shortly after that court order. Seemed really fishy.

          1. I think this is part of what happened to Brian Wilson (of The Beach Boys).

            There’s a movie called Love and Mercy about his experience with the same (highly recommend.)

            It’s shocking how these conservatorship situations often become so abusive.

      1. I think it’s fairly easy to get a free week of Hulu if you only want to watch this one thing. That’s my plan. The trick is remembering to cancel.

        1. Because we knew we’d be hunkered down this winter and needing access to as much in home entertainment as possible, I bought a $25 Hulu gift card and redeemed that. That card will pay for over four months and get us into spring. And no worries about canceling!

  7. One of the perks of pandemic life has been an ability to catch up on sleep. For the past month though, I’ve consistently been waking up earlier and earlier. This week I’ve been waking up at around 4:30, which is 2 hours earlier than I’d like and 2 hours short of an 8 hour sleep.. When I wake up early, I feel alert and awake but not fully rested. I try to fall back asleep but am rarely successful. Any ideas on what is causing this and what I can do to prolong my sleep?

    1. This started happening to me in my mid to late twenties. I now wake up naturally around 4:30 for an hour and then fall back asleep for a few more hours. I accepted it as a natural sleep rhythm that developed in adulthood, but it’s not ideal when my alarm goes off around 6. There are a lot of things you can look at in your routine (trigger foods, caffeine, stress levels, what time of day you exercise) but for me it seems to be a genetic thing that’s here to stay, and my mom has the same sleep rhythm. Sorry I don’t have a great answer for you!

        1. Yes this is so fascinating! It’s nice to know there’s nothing necessarily wrong with me, even if modern life isn’t always conducive to this.

    2. +1 to looking for things that might cause it. For me, too much caffeine late in the day means that I can fall asleep completely for several hours but then am alert and awake but not rested around 1am. Another idea – have you changed your diet/could you be hungry?

  8. I tried on my jeans in anticipation of returning to my casual office 1x/week. The most recent two pairs have waists <1" below my belly button (and yet "mid rise"). The others, that I thought were midrise when I bought them (one 2012ish pair, most 2015ish) had waists 2" at least below my belly button. I felt like I was Christina Aguilera in the DRRTY phase wearing them — that is what 3 months in high-waisted leggings will do to your perspective.

    The good news is that things fit. The bad news is that I have really forgotten how to style outfits. Like with my friends getting out of the Army after 20 years (I'm an Old), it will be some baby steps and misfires. Wish me luck!

    1. Ha, the Christina Aguilera DRRTY video is like the quintessential pop culture moment when-low-rise-went-too-far. (Too low?). It is funny how much it varies across brands what they define as mid and high. I’ve started really paying attention to the inseam measurement and comparing it to my current favorite high rise to see what they truly mean before pulling the trigger.

      1. I have a kid who must have a small waist b/c pants don’t stay up. Perpetual coin slot.

    2. Same. I put on skinny jeans and some booties the other day and just didn’t think it looked right.. I don’t even know what is right anymore though. I see so few people in the wild (aka grocery store) not wearing leggings our loungewear.

    3. The first time I “go out” with friends to a bar or something I will have no idea what to wear.

    4. Oh yeah, my styling IQ has undoubtedly nosedived in the last year! I expect to spend some time on Pinterest and the gram trying to figure it out for casual style. Work style is a whole other thing. I’m pretty sure none of my pants fit anymore.

    5. I felt like I went full on Steve Jobs the other day as I bought 3 of the same tunic length sweater, 2 of the Athleta prayana wraps, and 3 solid colored turtlenecks to alternate with my joggers. I have a uniform! It is warm and looks office appropriate as we are on video calls 80% or more of the time on my team! And best of all, I don’t think about it much.
      I’m not going to win any fashion awards but I am super happy about my garanimals for adults process. When we did see people outside over the summer every single woman wore heels/jewelry/pretty day dress because we were all so darn sick of athleisure.

    6. I think the pandemic is what made me finally lose all interest in fashion. I am still interested in style but IDGAF about what “looks dated” any more. I want to look clean and well groomed in colors and cuts that flatter me.

      I’m probably more dressed up than most people for WFH but it makes me feel better to be put together. That is not the same as an interest in fashion and following the trends.

      Like someone here the other day said cardigans were out. I have worn cardigans my entire life and I’m not going to stop now. I like them a lot better than pullovers, and they look better on me as well, so I’m #teamcardigan for life.

      1. Yup, this. I never loved fashion but felt some self-imposed pressure to dress a certain way or at least look like I had a passing knowledge of trends. Well, eff it. It’s expensive, it’s time-consuming, and I’m over it. Garanimals for adults would be my jam.

        1. Agree. My garanimals at the moment are a flowy top, a long but not chunky cardigan, and stretchy straight or skinny leg pants. Most of my pants are the Levi’s pull on skinny jeans recommended here more than once, and they’re under $30. J finally got some new tops because I was sick of my same tops over and over. But the uniform works for me and I’m sticking with it. It also looks like work clothes on zoom but everything is comfortable and washable, and everything is in my preferred cool summer palette.

          1. I didn’t know what to ask for for my birthday so my sister gave me a gift card to Stitch Fix and now I have five new tops (I kicked in some money too, obviously). I made it clear to the stylist on my initial quiz that I only wanted tops that didn’t cling to my tummy and were in cool colors. It’s so nice to have new tops!

    7. Agree that I’m out of practice. Saw a Duluth Trading Company ad and thought everything looked sooo comfortable. I have a full on office job none of those outfits apply. Ugh.

  9. I think DH might be depressed / have depression. Any suggestions on how to broach that and talk about it? I don’t have any experience with this. Any resources?

    He’s been sad for probably over 18 months now: less gardening, consuming a lot more pot than usual (almost every day in the past year), trouble sleeping, and in the past couple weeks mentioned feeling like things are dark and overwhelming and there’s no point in going forward. He’s also very irritable and snappy (which I have been accommodating / appeasing because tbh it’s sometimes exhausting and I’m mad at myself for that being a new habit but he’s also started having panic attacks when we fight about it).

    It seems to have been made worse by covid, isolation, and the deaths of people close to use, but it started before then.

    I just … don’t know what to do? Any suggestions? He’s always been sensitive to criticism but that’s gotten worse lately and I’m worried about making things worse if what he hears is “I think you’re broken”.

    1. I think you focus on yourself and your needs. Stop accommodating and start saying “John, it’s really not okay that you keep taking your feelings out on me.” “John, I’m not ok with the daily pot use.” “John, our marriage is not working for me and we need to figure it out.”

      1. And also just straight up “John, you’re saying a lot of really dark things that are scaring me. I think you need to talk to your doctor about depression.”

      2. I don’t recommend this. I went through something similar with a close friend just last week and making it about the impact on me made her feel like I was about to abandon her if she didn’t get treatment/like I was so sick of her burdening me. We discussed that it would be more helpful next time to approach it from a place of love and concern only. She’s seeking treatment now anyway, thankfully.

        1. YMMV, but approaching it from love and concern with my husband allows him to not act on it. He needs there to be consequences to motivate change.

          1. Yeah, when I have been my most depressed, it was statements from others about its impact on them that made me care enough to work on it. This isn’t appropriate for kids, IMO, but it is for adult partners.

    2. Went through this about a year ago with my husband. I had been taking on so much of the brunt of his depression and was exhausted by it. I finally just told him I thought he was struggling with depression and that he needed to go talk to his primary care about it. He’s not receptive to therapy due to bad past experiences, but proper medication has made a world of difference. He still has bad days, but it’s not every day.
      Definitely encourage your husband to go see his doctor. I encouraged mine partially under the cover of his annual physical that he had been delaying.

    3. I think you get real honest with him about what you’re saying and basically end with: I love you and I’m really worried about you. Do you feel up to calling the doctor to talk about this, or do you want my help making the appointment?

    4. This happened with my ex-husband, and I tried to lovingly tell him I was worried about him and he needed help. It was not super well received at the time (he said I was trying to put him down), but ultimately he did get on medication, which did help a little, and he later thanked me for pushing him to address it. There were other issues but how he handled his depression (abruptly quitting his meds when he started to feel a little better, having insanely unstable emotions, no longer working and barely getting out of bed all day, becoming completely addicted to video games, etc) really played a part in the end of marriage. So I have no great advice, but solidarity.

    5. So I would not quite say my husband is fully depressed but he’s just stressed out about a number of things. Like the impeachment trial, the pandemic, money, etc. Things we’re all dealing with. Last night we were watching the news about the impeachment trial, and he was talking over it about how the news was covering it wrong, how frustrated he is at the cowardly republicans, how if they don’t vote to convict then our constitution is basically meaningless etc. Things I agree with. But shouting at me about it isn’t going to change the outcome.

      I told him that, and I reminded him that while he got to watch the trial all day at his computer, I had to work and couldn’t do so. So I wanted to watch the news and he needed to stop yelling at someone who agreed with him, and that I also didn’t need the news mansplained to me.

      He took it hard in the moment but later apologized and said I was right. The problem for him is that there’s no one else to talk to about it. His friendships are mostly over text at this point and they just don’t get into this stuff. So he admitted he was taking it out on me and agreed to stop. I’m not stupid, I know it will probably happen again, but now we have this baseline where I can refer back to what happened last night and what he promised if he starts it again.

      My point is, do not make it a habit to give into your husband’s irritability and snappiness. That’s just taking his unhappiness and transferring it to you, which isn’t fair. You need to draw your line in the sand. I agree with others that you should suggest therapy, but in the absence of therapy, do not let him use you as his emotional punching bag. That is not healthy for either of you. Stand up for yourself and what you want out of the relationship. If you just go along with this, he will be less inclined to get help.

    6. Something I don’t see mentioned is the pot usage – DH used to smoke pot daily for years and years, then almost all of a sudden, it started making him incredibly depressed, anxious, irritable, moody, etc. He ended up quitting when it dawned on him and it was almost an immediate change for the better to his mental health. Might be something to consider.

      1. So, I smoke pot about once or twice a week on average and have depression, and when a depressive episode hits, pot affects me differently. Whereas normally it is my version of a glass of wine at night to relax ( a couple hits at most) when I am heading into or in a depressive episode it tends to amplify my irritation and quick to temper and cause me to spiral in my thinking. For me that is one of the primary indicators that a depressive episode is rearing its head (the quick temper/irritation) and I have realized it means no pot while I work through that. It does not seem to be something I have needed to quit forever, just something I need to be aware of and cut out when the other indicators start. Years ago I cut out drinking when I have depressive episodes for the same reason, so it really shouldn’t have been surprise to me that pot also affected me differently during those times, but you live and learn.

  10. Apologies if this has been discussed here… but has anyone else noticed that their daycare/preschool classes are now overwhelmingly male? I noticed it in my son’s school, but talked to friends, and apparently no one has more than two girls in their preschool or daycare class post-COVID. Broad age range from infants to five years, and all the classes are heavily male.

    I wonder what this means, and I’m terrified that it means we’re pulling girls out of school during the pandemic either to save money or because we expect them to be more amenable/well-behaved while we’re working from home.

    Has anyone else noticed?

    1. I noticed this a bit before (my kids are 10, 12), but only marginally more male. I do think that nature gives us something like 1.03 boys per girl, but it was weird. I am thinking that in my city among working women if they are using fertility, they may opted to go with a boy embryo given the chance, but it’s not like China where I’d truly worry re population stability.

      In my kids very transitional public school, it was trending towards boys, largely due to girl parents pulling their kids out of a “rough” school, which I didn’t disagree with (and now we’re all home, but we won’t be returning to that school but opted for a city-wide magnet of kids who want to be in school with parents who want them to be learning in school vs getting beat up by classmates who don’t care). FWIW, I have only girls, but the girls at school were the problem with hitting us (vs boys maybe being more disruptive in class).

    2. This is pure anecdotal but if it makes you feel any better, my daughter’s preschool class post COVID shut downs in a general hot spot has 5 girls and 4 boys….

      1. I assumed so, too, until I asked my other parent friends. It’s still anecdata but for the seven daycares/preschools my friends’ kids attend, it seems to be true.

        I was thinking about it this morning because the infant teacher mentioned at drop off this morning that she now has literally 8 boys, and no girls, in her classroom.

        1. So strange. My baby group was 6 boys, 7 girls, which felt like statistically unlikely. We were all very jealous of the girl mom for the better outfit choices. Nursery seems equally split now, but they had a big bunch of big girls our first year and a big bunch of big boys our second year (nursery isn’t segregated by age, 1-5 are all together, so it’s a bit harder to tell)

    3. Hope this anecdata helps but pre covid my daughters pre school toddler room was almost all boys and now it’s almost all girls. My daughter is the oldest. When she was born all the baby groups etc seemed to be all boys. I used to wonder if there are more boys than girls born particular months.

      1. It’s an old wives tale, but the chinese gender prediction chart is a thing based on conception month. Maybe there is some truth to more of one gender being born in a month than the other.
        fwiw, our small in-home daycare is 2 boys and 2 girls

        1. Yeah, I thought it might be either that or the law of small numbers, but my friends have kids from 6 months to 5 in daycare/preschool and it seems to be true across the ages. It would be weird for four years’ worth of births to skew male, I think.

    4. I could see that happening. Most people think their kids are safer at home but have to work. If they can work with the kid at home, they will. If the kid is disruptive it changes the calculus of risk/benefit and the kid goes to daycare. I’m not sure if boys are more likely to be disruptive than girls though. Really interesting thought.

      1. I’m not sure if boys are likely to be more disruptive than girls, but I do think we expect girls to be less disruptive than boys. I kept mine home for ten months but as a single mom recently decided I was probably risking my employment and his mental health so sent him back 12 hours a week.

        1. Fellow Cornellian here who also kept her 2 year old home for 10 months. She just went back in the Denver suburbs. It’s her, one other girl, and 4 boys in the 2 year old room. I definitely had multiple conversations about how she’s easygoing and therefore it was possible to work (at home as a lawyer) with her at home.

    5. For most people, school is more about getting the kids out of the house than anything else. So this makes sense to me if girls are expected to behave and boys are not.

      1. Yeah, I suspect this is what’s happening. I guess it could be limited resources, but most of my middle and professional class friends are still employed, so I’m not sure that explains it.

      2. Agree. I saw something a while ago saying “Girls don’t grow up faster than boys, they’re just penalised for childish behaviour more at a younger age.” I don’t know how much it’s actually true but it certainly struck a chord with me.

        1. It is 100% true. I only have a boy, but in group situations with other preschoolers I see how authority figures/adults/parents allow boys to get away with things and correct the girls for the same behavior. I try to be really aware of NOT doing that, and not allowing people to say “boys will be boys!”-type comments in front of my son.

          1. I have a girl on the spectrum and I feel that girls are so very penalized if they are not off-the-chart on social skills. Had she been a boy, I feel like she could just be and grow at her speed with no expectations.

          2. Anonymous 11:03 I so completely agree. ADHD (combined type) daughter here. It’s hard to address because people don’t do it on purpose.

    6. My parents own and operate childcare centers throughout the southeastern United States. This is just not a thing that is happening. Sometimes, childcare centers will skew majority male for a period of 3-4 years. Then, they will skew majority female for 3-4 years, and then switch back. It is completely random and not based on any particular choices the parents or employees make, but most childcare centers go through “boy periods” and “girl periods”.

      1. By the way, most of our centers are in “girl periods” if that makes you feel any better. When the pandemic started, almost all of the parents pulled their kids regardless of gender, and then we received state incentives to take on the children of essential workers. The children of essential worker skewed “girl” for whatever reason. Great! Would have been fine if they were mostly boys too, children of both genders are fun to work with.

    7. FWIW not something I’ve noticed. My daughter’s preschool class is small this year b/c of Covid but is 4 girls, 3 boys.

    8. Yes, my son’s Kindergarten daycare class has 7 kids, all boys. I figured it was a fluke but it’s interesting that you are hearing this from others, too. I’m in Dallas.

    9. I polled my friends and their classes are 50/50 or majority girls. So I think it might be anecdata!

      My mom has a group of 10 neighbors she is very close with. They now have 16 grandchildren between them – 15 boys, 1 girl. It’s totally random but sometimes your sample size gets very skewed. (Although I fully expect to have a boy if I ever have kids).

    10. Sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. When my kid was in elementary school, her grade was about 70 percent boys and 30 percent girls across a total of about 125 kids. Every year there were 7 or 8 girls in her class of 25 kids, even though they mixed up the classes from year to year.

    11. My daughter’s preschool class is overwhelmingly girls. My main group of friends-with-kids features three boys and a billion girls. I never thought anything of it.

    12. I haven’t noticed this, but I suspect it is random. Like if you flip a coin 100 times in a row, you will see streaks of heads or tails randomly. (At least, I hope it’s random and not because people are keeping girls home more. At the older age levels, it’s entirely possible that girls are missing from school because they have to take care of younger siblings, which you see most often in developing countries where the opportunity cost of school is high. Yikes.)
      I have one child in daycare, the other in kindergarten. Daycare class is 70% girls. K class is 50/50.

    13. My kids are in elementary school in a district with hybrid and full remote options. I haven’t noticed a change in how many kids are selecting full-remote – if anything it mayyyy skew slightly more “boys full remote” than girls.
      Based on what I’ve seen in ~5 years of elementary school classes: ome grades just end up more boys/girls for whatever reason at various points in time (random demographics, more parents redshirting that year, a bunch of neighbors opting to send their kids to private school, people moving in/out of the district that skew boy/girl) – and so there’s some level of rebalancing at different points. It’s very fluid and changes from year to year.

    14. Cornellian, I’m in Austin too and we have more girls than boys in my prek. I think it is 3:1. So maybe they are all at my kids school.

    15. Haven’t noticed this at all. My son’s preschool class is 4 girls, 3 boys. And my daughter is currently in an all girl infant room.

    16. From my totally uninformed opinion based on personal experience with young boys versus young boys – it’s possible the boys are in school versus being allowed to stay home because they’re h*ll on wheel at that age and a working parent can’t manage that at home whereas girls that age tend to be more mature and helpful. I can’t imagine trying to manage a five year old boy screaming, jumping, and crayoning the walls versus a girl who mostly plays independently with a low to medium amount of noise.

      1. I know people are not fans of innate gender differences, but my two kids if left alone at that age would be in all sorts of different trouble. My daughter would probably have been painting her walls with my makeup or a sharpie she found. My son would be on the roof.

        Both of these things actually happened, by the way.

        When it came time for preschool, they both needed it for different reasons. My daughter because she was and is intensely social. My son because he needed to get his ya-yas out.

        I can see how a desperate WFH parent would see a more immediate need to get an energetic three year old boy out of the house in order to be able to work.

  11. Where have people than buying their KN95s? My friend needs one to go back to work in person and she ordered some from Amazon, but they appear to be made in the province in China where there is a lot of forced labor among the Uighur minority, which is shocking and horrifying. I know there have been some conversations about this lately but can someone give me a link or name of a specific store in America? I’d like to help her out.

    1. Can friend not double-mask? That seems to give you >90% effectiveness with no human rights abuses.

      1. The problem is where to get them. Amazon is super sketchy apparently and it’s really hard to find things that look legitimate. Do you have a link or a store name?

        1. someone suggested be healthy usa dot com a while ago and I ordered some. They just came and look legitimate.

      2. I use Jolse for my Korean skincare and they always had/have lots of face masks, and KF94s a plenty. It will take about 3-4 weeks for shipping though.

    2. I recently got a box of 40 N95s at Home Depot. They were sitting at the paint mixing counter. They weren’t selling them in smaller quantities so I pulled the trigger. It was expensive, about $2/mask. I bought it and “sold” a few to my parents and sister to reduce the cost to me but it was the first time I’d seen them this whole pandemic.

      1. I hate to say this, but I looked at those last week and I don’t think they’re legit Kimberly Clark. If you go look at the same mask style from medical suppliers, you can see that the straps are different- look on PacMedPro for the same masks. $1 a mask is too cheap for N95s.

    3. Somone on this page recommended WellBefore and I ordered some 3M NIOSH-approved N95s that I’ve been happy with. Lots of options, not the cheapest but legit.

    4. I don’t know which Chinese provinces are good or bad but I get Powecom K95s on Amazon. They come with a verification process to prove they are not fake. You scrape off a number that you verify on the powecom website. They are also distributed through a NY company.

      Also, if your friend doesn’t source her clothes and shoes and household items, I wouldn’t stress about human rights violations and masks. Yes we should try when we can but buying masks during a pandemic isn’t where I’m going to spend my humanitarian energies.

      1. She’s not stressed and neither am I. When we hear about something that we don’t want to support, we change strategies and it’s fine/not an exhausting use of energy.

        I will check out the company you mentioned. Thanks!

        1. I’d be interested in knowing if they are part of the human rights violation stuff you mention. Let me know what you find out!

    5. Idk but one of my particularly woke acquaintances told me it was xenophobic to boycott purchasing from places with human rights violations and I had to give up on the internet for that day.

    6. A company in Fort Worth makes N95s. They initially intended to sell them to local hospitals but they can’t compete on price so are selling to the public. Made in the US and certified so safer than possible counterfeit masks. Unitedstatesmask dot com

    7. I got mine from Bonafide Masks and I have been very happy with them. Excellent reviews. My friend told me about them and got the recommendation from several retired healthcare workers.

    8. Are you the same poster who keeps posting about China and Uighur violations? I get that it’s a legitimate issue, but given how it’s such a tiny percentage of the entire Chinese population, it seems extremely unlikely that your mask would be made by a Uighur.

      1. Nope, that was me. I’ve posted about the issue twice in six months and I’ve seen other people post about it too. This seems like a really weird flex to play comment detective on this particular issue.

        If the OP’s masks were made in the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region, then there were almost certainly made by forced labor and there are easy alternatives at the click of a button. OP, the USA Masks rec above looks good.

        1. Uighurs make up 0.31% of the entire Chinese population, even assuming all Uighurs are under forced labor and all of them are making masks. But sure, boycott all masks from China. The more for folks like me!

      2. No, I haven’t been reading lately but that’s great if others are aware of this issue too. There is good evidence to suggest that we should not be consuming goods manufactured in this province right now. Feel free to ignore it if you don’t have capacity but this is something both my friend and I care about and I know we can get recommendations for better sources.

      3. Ok, gotcha. It’s kind of weird how every week, there is at least one comment about Uighurs.

        1. Huh? I’ve read every day for the past year at least and I’ve seen a handful of comments, two of which were mine, in that time. You know that it’s an important issue, right, and not some weird shirt troll thing?

        2. It’s a pretty big international issue. Not weird at all for multiple people to be opposed to genocide.

    9. By your logic, we should not buy anything made in the USA because America engages in police shooting of minorities and systematic racism. Lol.

        1. How about children from Mexico separated from their parents and put in cages. Definitely not a human right violation, right?

          1. Of course it is. Many of us already boycott US companies that don’t align with our values.

    10. I bought some from masklab US based on a recommendation here.

      I only go to the doctors but I go fairly often as I have rheumatoid arthritis. Now that I have the KN95s I double mask with the KN95 under and a blue medical mask over. Last time I went in, I noticed the PA doing the same.

    11. Thanks everyone, great recs and I’m emailing them out right now! Really glad I asked – easy fix to not support forced labor.

    12. I got a bunch from PacMedPro, based out of Tacoma WA. I got the 3M Aura masks, which I like a lot. I also bought some from Common Cents EMS Supply.

    13. I’ve been ordering mine from BonafideMasks.com, but I cant comment on where or by whom they are made.

  12. Anyone want to convince me if I should get a new sink? I’m going to be redoing my kitchen countertops (hate the current color/style) and could change out for a new sink while I’m at it. But I don’t have any issues with my current basic sink—metal, two bowls, basic faucet and sprayer. While I like the look of big farmhouse sinks I think I prefer the two bowls because tbh I often leave dishes in the sink and like to be able to separate them in the different bowls? But maybe there are awesome sink features out there I haven’t considered?

    1. Best thing about a single sink is that you can actually fit large skillets or cookie pans flat or whatnot on the bottom to scrub. I’ll never go back!

      1. This – we bake and cook a ton and I can’t imagine not being able to fit my large braising dishes/cookie sheets in my sink to soak and wash.

      2. I have a two-thirds split sink and I adore it. Narrow right-side sink to do things like hang the colander to drain pasta, while the left side is still plenty large enough to get a good scrub in.

    2. I think faucets with separate sprayers are dated, I would do a pull-down version so you don’t have that extra hole in your counter. If you do want a bigger single sink you can also look a removable basin for your dirty dishes.

    3. If you are investing in new countertops, unless your sink is basically brand new you will want to get a new sink at the same time. +1 for an undermount sink–so much easier to clean the counters. I would go for a nice tall faucet and a single-basin sink for maximum maneuvering room.

      I recently replaced my faucet + sprayer with a pulldown faucet + water filtration device (a tiny separate faucet in the hole where the sprayer used to be) and love the combination.

    4. I have a deep porcelain over metal sink, single basin.

      Pros: can fit big items, dishes in sink aren’t visible because of depth, deep enough to fill my largest stockpot/water canner, can soak a bunch of big items together, beautiful

      Cons: using a deep sink means more bending (it was a big adjustment), the porcelain gets stained over time and needs bleach… I can’t think of any more.

      It has never been a problem for me not having two basins. I had that at my old house and have never missed it. As others mentioned, I like being able to fit anything into the sink, whereas at my old house with double basin I had to wash my sheet pans standing up.

      The old double sink also drove me nuts because only one side had the garbage disposal so I was always having to pick food out of the drain on the non disposal side.

  13. I need recommendations for a washing machine. Our 10-year-old washing machine has rusted out. Apparently it’s a known issue with this model (Maytag Bravos) made during this era. It’s too far gone to repair, so we’re looking at replacing it very soon before the rust starts ruining our clothes. Family of 4, and we do a ton of laundry. I’m stuck on whether to stick with an HE top loader, which seems to fit better in our narrow mudroom, or finally get with the times and buy a front loader. If we had a front loader, it would be much easier for our kids to help with laundry. (As it is, it’s literally impossible for them to reach into the drum to get the wet clothes out. So they can load, and they can fold, but they can’t actually transfer the clean clothes from the washer to the dryer). But all front-loaders seem GIANT to me.

    1. My preschooler can help with laundry with our frontloader. But for me the big deciding factor in favor of a front loader was the water and energy efficiency. You can get some ballpark comparisons online, I’ll post separately.

    2. Front loaders gross me out, they get moldy much easier and harder to clean. We just got a new toploader and really like it. We got an LG, don’t remember the model

      1. I have a front loader (2d one) and love it but I would not have one if mine were not in a hidden laundry room where I can leave the door open at all times that it is not in use. I would think about your space before getting a front loader. My dryer is stacked on top of the washer, and I need a stool occasionally to reach items that land a the back of the machine.

        1. I think that’s going to be my biggest problem. If I have to leave the doors open all the time, it’s going to be a pain to use our mudroom, where we store all cleaning supplies and have a small pantry. That might be the deciding factor right there.

    3. I vote for front loader so the kids can do their own laundry. If the drier is older too, you can get a stackable washer/drier to help with the narrow space. Small kids might need a step stool to load the drier, but it’d still be way easier for them than a top loading washer.

    4. My standard answer to this question: Speed Queen. It’s durable, simple, and gets your stuff clean. Use the “heavy duty” cycle which is the same as the “regular” cycle of yore, back when musty towels and mildewy machines were not an issue. You’ll have to do an internet search to figure out where to get one as they are not sold by the big box stores.

    5. I have a Maytag top loader that I got when our old washer died. It works well and handles big loads with bedding, etc. I used to have a front loader and NEVER AGAIN. You have to keep them open all the time and it’s a huge PITA.

    6. A plain no-frills old-fashioned top-loading Speed Queen is my ride or die. There’s a reason they’re so heavily stocked in laundromats.

      Everyone I know with front loaders complains about them. The mold, the smell, the extra rinse cycles to get the soap out.

    7. We have a tiny laundry space, so I opted for an ASKO washer and dryer. They are much smaller but still do full size loads. Front loading. Washer uses a lot less water and electricity. It spins so fast that the clothes are nearly dry when they come out of the washer. They were more expensive but the extra space was worth it to me and they have held up incredibly well. We had one minor issue with washing machine shortly after warranty expired, I called ASKO simply to find a local repair person and ASKO replaced it immediately — which was amazing.

    8. I’m never sure why people complain about front loaders so much. We just replaced ours with another LG front loader last summer and have not had problems with either one. We leave the door open, but I honestly don’t see why that’s such a big deal. In any event, my mom had to replace hers a couple weeks ago, and the repair guy she had who told her her old one needed replacing recommending Speed Queen. She ended up getting a similar LG to ours, however.

      1. Leaving the door open is a huge eye sore to me; I guess that’s just subjective. I always felt silly as a student when visiting rich people whose expensive wash machines couldn’t even be kept closed because they’re so poorly designed, when my ancient front loader had no such issues.

        1. I can’t leave the door open because our laundry closet is in a hallway. If I left the washer door open I’d also have to leave the closet door open, and then no one would be able to walk by.

      2. Same. I have had LG frontloader machines for four years and have had no issues at all. I love them actually. The washing machine has a feature that allows the door to stay cracked open but not wide open. I occasionally do run a sanitize cycle with a washer cleaner tablet, but I would do that with any machine.

      3. Leaving a front loader open would be a pet problem for us, both in terms of cleanliness and the animals’ safety.

      4. I’ve never left the door of my 2003 Maytag Neptune open and have never developed a mildew problem.

    9. I have a front load LG washer that is OK but the dryer is awful, lint sticks all over the rubber seam and if you want to do a timed dry, you have to push the buttons in a certain order or it switches to high heat. Wish I hadn’t bought LG. I do like the front loader though because it uses less water than a top load – better in case of leaks.

    10. I have owned both an HE top loader and a front loader. I much prefer the HE top loader because it has no mold issues and doesn’t give clothes grease stains, both of which were problems with the front-loader. My tall, inflexible husband also finds the top-loader much easier to load and unload than the front-loader, although you could mitigate that issue somewhat with a pedestal. A front-load washer is harder to load and unload than a dryer because the door opening is smaller and thicker, and you have to be careful to avoid the gasket.

      1. I don’t trust myself to avoid a gasket, let alone my kids. Eh. Sounds like I should stick with the top loader.

      2. Why do you have to “avoid the gasket”? I am truly confused by this comment.

  14. Hive, WWYD?
    I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. We get along great the majority of the time, very supportive of each other, our relationship and living together is generally pretty easy. BUT. When I get depressed, infrequent but have had a history of severe bouts so it may just be a matter of time, he completely cannot relate and has no empathy so just sort of withdraws. Even worse, the only way he tries to make me feel better is by joking, which makes me feel 1000x worse. The kicker is, when I bring this up and (in my mind, neutrally) request he refrain from joking, he gets mad/offended and is like, “well I am just trying to help so I guess I will just never say anything ever.” I have repeatedly said this is not a solution and whatever the solution is, we have to have a two-way convo about it because we have never resolved this issue because he, again, responds with “you just get mad when I try to make you feel better so I will just not say anything ever.”
    Again, our relationship has been otherwise great for the past 5 years, but this infrequent-but-severely-hurtful-to-me-and-bad-for-my-depression issue has never been resolved or even discussed more than getting to the initial impasse. So: would you break it off? At what point?

    1. I know the advice is often to throw the whole man out, but if it’s truly the only issue and he’s otherwise communicative and supportive, maybe you can fix it. We found a couples therapist that was willing to do 3-4 sessions to work on a discrete issue. I wonder if you could come up with a sort of guide for him so he knows how you want to be supported during those times (and maybe get some outside input on the guide).

      1. Yes, I agree. My husband is on the autism spectrum and can be unintentionally insensitive when I’m feeling down or stressed. It’s definitely something fixable if both parties are invested in it, we haven’t tried counselling but we have had lots of conversations about how we can better support each other.

    2. I hate the “oh well I guess I will just not say anything ever/I guess I was just the world’s worst mother” genre. I hate it so much. The petty side of me would respond next time with something like, “OK! Since you’ve repeatedly failed to understand that joking will not help, and never made any effort to figure out what actions will, doing nothing sounds like the most helpful thing you can do.”

      Maybe it’ll throw him off enough to snap out of it.

    3. If you are married or in a very committed relationship, he should attend some of your counseling sessions to understand how to support you.

      1. Agreed. I attend my husband’s counseling sessions about one or twice a year and it is incredibly helpful.

        My husband has serious depression, but we have a healthy marriage and a happy home. Our marriage works because he is willing to treat his depression and I am willing to support him. If one of us wasn’t willing to do our part, we would not have a good relationship.

    4. I would give him a different idea of what to do. If he still didn’t do it, I would reconsider the relationship. But i wouldn’t judge the fact that he doesn’t know what to do, you don’t like his solution (fair), you don’t like that he then withdraws (also fair) but then you want him to do better without suggesting what the better might be. It’s not clear from your comment what happens when he says ‘but you just get mad’… but even if he is reluctant to talk, I think it would be easier for both of you if you proposed some options for him first.

      1. Agree. Re: me getting mad–he gets hurt/offended when I ask him to stop joking, and then when we later have a convo about it, I do admit I get riled up because from my perspective, my request is reasonable and, on balance, not that hard for him to execute. Then we get in a fight about it and he shuts down.

    5. No advice, but my husband is also terrible at being supportive when I’m depressed. The worst part is that he also deals with depression, and I am the actual best at being supportive when he’s going through it. He recognizes and appreciates that, but is somehow incapable of returning the favor. For me, it doesn’t rise to the level of dealbreaker but I can understand why it would for others.

    6. Is he supportive about other things? It seems weird that he would be and then be such a d ick when you’re depressed.

      1. He is, but for this I think it’s a combo of (a) we generally joke about everything and our humor can be pretty irreverent (b) he truly does NOT understand depression (or even just feeling really low), which he readily admits, and (c) being solution oriented (which I totally get, I sometimes have to refrain from offering solutions when my friends just want a listening ear). So I think all this results in him maybe feeling helpless, not knowing what to do, and defaulting to joking because that’s who he is and also is normally OK for all other topics and situations

    7. Oof my mom is like this and I HATE IT. If you love and respect me, please make an effort to listen to my needs instead of getting defensive and making everything about you.

      I personally would break it off but only because people like my mom (who refuse to change) are no longer welcome in my life.

    8. Instead of telling him to cut out the joking, can you give him a script for how you want him to react?

    9. So, I’ll agree that you’ve made it pretty clear to him that humor is not helpful to you in those situations and you are both frustrated that he doesn’t have any other tools to use here. But have YOU figured out anything else? What do you want him to do or say? Do you want a box of chocolates and a massage? Or for him to engage you in a really serious discussion about what’s bothering you and discuss strategies for getting out of it and feeling better? Or a “put on your shoes we’re going for a run together to get your blood flowing while I give you a pep talk”? Or do you not know? As a poster said above, I think this situation is a great candidate for a few sessions of couples therapy, or even just solo therapy where you figure out what would help you in that situation.

    10. Thanks Hive! These are good suggestions to give him concrete alternatives/a guide/script and also pointers on how to recognize when I’m depressed or down.

      And even though I comment rarely, I really do love the variety of responses from internet “strangers” I feel I know and trust from your handles. This is why, when my friends are like, uh wut you read a blog for the comments?!, I’m like YES you should start reading too. :)

    11. Instead of what not to do, try giving him some concrete tips on what he *can* do to help you? Honey, here are some things that may be helpful: offer to take over some chores, bring me some soup, ask if there’s anything you can do to help, just leave me alone for a couple hours, etc.
      I understand it is hurtful, but he is probably also unsure what to do and feeling rebuffed that his attempts to “cheer you up” did not work.

    12. google the video ‘it’s not about the nail’ – i had my DH watch it and I think it helped him realize how sometimes he is too solution oriented, when sometimes what i want is just a vent session or commiseration. also, as an side – depending on your age 5 years is a long time to be with someone and I don’t know if you’re interested in marriage, but would encourage you to try to make some progress on this before going to that step

    13. I would assess and discuss this when you’re not in a depressed state of mind, preferably with your therapist. Depression messes with your head. When I’m struggling with depression and anxiety, it feels like everything wrong in life is someone’s fault, and unfortunately my SO is an easy target. I wouldn’t want to make relationship decisions when in that frame of mind. I also think you both need ground rules for how to talk to each other when you’re struggling. The attitude – “I can’t do anything right so I’ll do nothing ever” – means he’s run out of tools. He needs tools to be supportive, and also to more constructively communicate when he’s out of ideas and you both need outside help.

  15. From the deep dive into the closet, is it possible that the Olsen Twin “girl with a giant purse” thing will come around again? Because I found my giant purse and I am developing a crush on it. Also, it is red (I think the classes Olsen Twin giant purse has to be black). Since lockdown, I only carry a phone with me when I leave the house, so can someone refresh me on what those big giant purses were actual for. Air? Anything else would potentially be quite heavy.

    1. Idk, if you have giant crush on it, go for it, regardless of if it’ll come back.
      That said, I do think giant purses will come back just because of the pendulum swings of fashion. People are just carrying the bare minimum in WOCs or tiny bags or card carriers on back of phone or canvas tote bags so a giant bag will seem new and fresh and privileged (because let’s face it, a lot of fashion is driven by that) in comparison, eventually.

    2. I think handbag size seems to be driven more by the person than by fashion. I have always been a giant bag person back to high school and always will be – I like to have everything with me that I could possibly need, plus a book, plus my water bottle, etc.

    3. Oh man, I was just looking at my giant purse in my closet the other day, wondering if/when I’d ever use it again! I was in college during peak Giant Purse hours, so I had no trouble filling that sucker up–textbooks, notebook, makeup bag, wallet, phone, keys, pens, laptop, charger, t-shirt for work if I had to go straight from class, snacks…

      When I tried to pull the same nonsense with the same bag in grad school, my shoulders and back were absolutely not having it.

    4. I have a giant red tote and I love it and I think I look super cool with it so go for it!

      1. +1 giant oxblood tote. I got 99 problems, but where to put my belongings ain’t one. (I do still work in the office FWIW.)

    5. I am confused about this because I basically thought we were all carrying the Cuyana tote now. Is that a giant purse or is the giant purse something else? Is the giant purse bigger than a tote bag?

      1. I think that the Olsen Twin purse is about .5 the size of an Olsen Twin, so much bigger and fluffy vs straight and sleek.

          1. THANKS! The Cabas is just too cray, but the others are swoon-worthy. I’m in!

          2. Late reply, but the article I linked is from 2012. If you’re super into these looks, now’s the time to buy them secondhand before they cycle “in” again. People who buy real Chloe and YSL bags tend to take good care of them, so you can buy them with more confidence than, say, a used Cuyana. Go for it!

        1. But the Olsen Twins are about .5 the size of a real person, and I haven’t had enough caffeine yet to work out this story problem.

      2. I had the same question, except that I thought we had all put away our Cuyana totes at the beginning of the pandemic and were temporarily using tiny bags.

        1. I actually just brought my Cuyana tote back out and I was surprised at how heavy it is! I have the organizer insert, which adds weight.

    6. I pulled out my giant purse to carry my laptop in recently! I think when this is all over, I’ll be carrying my laptop to/from the office more (rather than leaving it there all the time, which is what I used to do) because we’ll be able to work from home more often. Therefore, my giant purse is making a comeback, and I think others’ might too!

    7. I carried a Giant Purse in school when I needed to haul notebooks, textbooks, pens and just about everything else. My Giant Purse was referred to by my friends as the Marianas Trench because it was large and black and stuff got lost in it.

  16. Has anyone struggled with lack of appetite? Over the last couple of months I have had no appetite. I eat 2x a day only but I am not even hungry half of the time, I am at the low end of normal weight so don’t want to lose any weight, literally if I only ate when I am hungry I would only eat once a day if that… I wonder what it may be and how to fix it, I have lost 5 lbs over the last month and I am getting worried.

    1. For me it was gastroparesis and undiagnosed, untreated hypothyroidism, but you really need to see a doctor to get checked. I don’t want to scare you but loss of appetite with weight loss is a symptom of many conditions, some of which you would not want to leave undiagnosed while time goes by.

    2. For me, this is a sign of depressive episode. You don’t mention anything else in this post about where you are with regards to your mental health but I would consider it.

    3. I also wonder if it might be a thyroid thing.

      Do you have other mental health symptoms? Might exercising help? For me it always makes me hungry.

    4. I’m insanely sedentary due to the state of the world (and the non-stop ice and snow in my area) so my body just doesn’t need the calories right now.

      If you’re worried, concentrate on calorie-dense healthy foods, like avocado and nuts.

    5. I lose appetite when I’m still a lot, I need exercise and motion to trigger it. In addition, completely lost my appetite when pregnant. (Also low end of normal weight).

    6. Mental health is totally fine but I am super sedentary other than 45 minutes of daily peloton. And lots of work stress.

    7. This happens to me, usually when I’m anxious. I’m in your weight range so completely understand – 5 lb makes a big difference. Last time it happened to me, I focused on adding calories through drinks. It’s just easier for me to drink my calories. In particular, I started drinking a glass of vanilla almond milk a day.

    8. Any other symptoms? My husband lost 20 pounds when he had an undiagnosed bleeding ulcer. His symptoms weren’t typical, but there was some pain involved.

    9. Agree on going to the doctor to rule out medical issue. That said, this happens to me with stress. It is also self-reinforcing. The less I eat the less I want to eat and the sicker I feel when I do eat.

      You just have to push through and force yourself to keep eating. Is there any food that sounds remotely appealing? Including foods you don’t normally allow yourself to have? Any childhood comfort food that sounds nice? Wander the grocery store (or browse online) and see if anything gets your attention. Then buy it, no matter what it is. At the beginning of the pandemic I totally lost my appetite and though I’ve never been a big baked goods person, the chocolate cake by the slice at the grocery store looked slightly appealing. So I started buying it. BTW, this is obviously not a long term healthful eating strategy, it’s more of a crisis mode thing– just get calories into your body. There are no rules. Just eat SOMETHING.

  17. Advice Needed: I am an attorney and am frequently staffed on large projects with another more senior attorney. Long story short – we have very different working styles and I find her very difficult to work with. Recently she has been dragging her heels on a few pieces of the project and the partner has come to me to ask what is going on, if drafts are ready for her review, etc. I frequently end up in this situation and I am not sure how to handle it in a way so as to not make the working relationship with the senior any more difficult than it already is while letting the partner know that I am doing my job and turning in drafts by the deadlines. Do I forward the partner’s email to the senior asking for an update? Any suggestions on how to handle this would be helpful.

    1. I think a lot of it is tone and also carefully navigating the dynamic. I think in some cases, you can just forward to the associate and CC the partner while responding “Judy is working on finalizing the draft now while I’m handling the dispositive motions. Judy, please see note below from Paula. Let me know if I can be of any help!”
      I know these exchanges can be fraught so an alternative can be to respond to just one (Paula, Judy’s working on updating the draft, do you want me to check with her and have her update you?/Judy, Paula was looking for an update on this, can you reach out to her?) As I think you’re getting, you want to walk a fine line of not throwing Judy under the bus while also not taking the blame for any delay.

    2. I don’t have any great advice here, but it’s rough. I think forwarding the partner email the first time might make sense, but I like AFT’s script, as well. It’s collaborative, although the more senior attorney may not read it that way.

      You could also try asking for weekly (or whatever is appropriate, timeline-wise) status meetings under the guise of you needing them to stay up to date and prioritize your work in order to get her what she needs.

    3. Hmm, if I was copied on an email from a junior like AFT suggests, it would grate a bit. Especially asking Judy, on an email to the partner, if you can help…it feels passive aggressive. (Or maybe that question is directed to the partner, I can’t tell. In that case I think it’s not so bad, maybe a little eager-beaver, which again…can grate if Judy is behind on her work.)

      You definitely have to walk a tight line, and in general in tricky situations, I usually take the approach of “just the facts” — as little additional commentary as possible. “Can I have an update on the draft?” “Hi Jane! It’s with Judy / I believe Judy is reviewing it.” You can end with “Is there anything else I can help out with” if you actually have time to work on something else…otherwise that one can backfire! If partner copied Judy on original email, reply all. If not, I’d just reply to partner and maybe then forward the email to Judy with “Hey, just FYI.” OK that’s pretty similar to what AFT said, haha. But I think you need to be wary of directing instructions to Judy in an email with the partner.

    4. Honestly as the junior you should throw the senior associate under the bus, but only if the partner really presses you. The senior is putting you in an unfair situation.

  18. Has anyone tried Hungryroot and do you like it? I’m on an ongoing quest to make dinner quicker/easier and thinking about trying it. My complaint with previous meal kit services like Blue Apron, etc. is they don’t actually seem to save me any time because no leftovers (so cooking more) and they aren’t actually that quick to cook, not to mention all the packaging waste. Hungryroot’s hybrid structure seems like it might in theory be better, but any real life experience with it?

    1. I used to use the OG hungryroot years ago and it was great. They’ve since rebooted and I found their meals weird because it seemed like they had no onion/garlic in them anymore, which is easy enough to add yourself but at the same time why not just put in it? But it’s been a while since I’ve tried it so maybe it’s changed again.

    2. No insight on Hungryroot, but if the lack of leftovers is the issue, couldn’t you order Blue Apron for twice the no of people you feed? This may also cut down on packaging and cooking time shouldn’t double with portion size.

  19. My best friend who has an insane life with three kids and a full time job teaching in person and digitally because her district sucks, is about to get her PhD. What is a good present for her? Budget of about $100. Lives in south central pa (I do not). Loves glitzy things (think New Jersey style) and in our younger days past we loved spa days and dancing and the beach.

    1. Fancy at-home spa/bath stuff? A soundproof door for her bathroom so she can have a long uninterrupted soak? Congrats to your friend!

    2. Petrone’s Pizzelles are my self-help go-to. From New Jersey. Cannot get good pizzelles where I live now.

      OTOH, I would love a Gym Tan Laundry shirt.

  20. After years of toting around $40 bags from places like Target and JustFab – which were cute, but would always start to fall apart after a year or so, sometimes earlier, so it’s started to feel pretty wasteful – I’m finally treating myself to some high end handbags. I got some really cute, if not a couple years old, Kate Spade bags on sale last night, and I’m just super excited because I’m not usually one for designer stuff.

    1. Good for you! Where did you get them by the way? I am not really into handbags but have always had a soft spot for the Kate Spades.

    2. Not sure where PolyD got hers, but I have always had great results buying lightly used designer bags on Ebay. Mostly Coach, so nothing super fancy or worth counterfeiting.

    3. Check out surprise.katespade.com. They have really frequent surprise sales with some great deals!

      1. Yes, that’s where I got them! Two crossbody bags, one black one light pink, each around $70 with the 10% discount applied.

  21. Aren’t joggers just old-fashioned sweatpants? I can’t see them as anything but the least formal option for athleisure. Every time I see a reference to them here, I think of the Emperor’s New Clothes.

    1. Yup, they totally are, and I do not like wearing them out of the house, but man are they comfy!

    2. My teenager would tell you that joggers are NOT sweatpants. Sweatpants are full-length and baggy and cool. Joggers are cropped and trim and are only for moms. When I explain that sweatpants are actually hideous and frumpy and we had them when I was in high school in the ’90s, she laughs.

    3. No, they’re sleeker and the fabric is different. I personally love joggers because they fit my giant thighs so much better than squishing them into leggings. But baggy, old-fashioned sweatpants? Nope, never ever. So frumpy, and I don’t care what the Gen Z’ers say.

    4. Joggers are cut a bit slimmer, and the ankle is typically a thick band or ribbed piece instead of just thin elastic gathering a baggy bottom of traditional sweats.

  22. My partner of 2 years struggles with ADHD and severe anxiety. A common manifestation of his mental health issues is the inability to focus at work and perform at the level he wants to be at. He’ll go entire days without working on anything, but will be panicking the entire time because he knows he needs to get started but mentally cannot get there, and it creates a vicious cycle. This has not affected his performance reviews, to my knowledge, but it really bothers him. (We’re both in our mid-20s, I feel like that’s relevant)

    He performs well when he’s busy or under deadline—it’s the days in between deadlines when he should be chipping away at backlog stuff that is the problem. After his unproductive days, he will beat himself up and get so down on himself, and it’s hard for me to watch and try to alleviate. I’ve suggested a few different solutions—time management methods, therapy, meds, etc. but he’s tried everything. It’s not a situation where he doesn’t want to get better, I think he’s just burnt out from trying so many different methods and not seeing any improvement. I want to be supportive but am running out of ways to engage with him that feel helpful and genuine. I know it’s his job and I can’t show up to work for him, but I hate seeing him so upset and worry about what impact these habits will have on his career/life long term.

    Would appreciate any advice or commiseration from anyone that’s been in a similar spouse/partner situation.

    1. He needs to see a therapist that specializes in treating ADHD issues. You have made this your problem for long enough. Yes, provide emotional support, but as far as practical solutions go, I think he needs to find an impartial third party. And, this is going to wear you out over time, too.

      Also? He may have to look for positions that are busy all the time, rather than having big ups and downs in terms of workload.

      1. Yes. I feel like no good comes from one spouse taking on the other’s work issues.

      2. I think this is the only solution. We’ve had conversations before where I’ve probed on why he doesn’t want to go back to therapy and it seems like he’s burnt out on trying to self improve. But the issues are clearly wearing him down in a different way. I do get nervous about how this will affect our lives together long term, and want to nip it in the bud early to avoid any resentment on my end.

        He was on a project over the summer that was extremely busy and he seemed to be in much better spirits there–I should see if he can get on something similar again.

    2. I sound a lot like your partner, but it is 100% not your problem. For me, having a partner that was too involved on this front would make me mor eanxious and avoidant, because then there would be another “goal” I was falling short of.

      He needs to figure out how to handle with a therapist or psychiatrist or support group or workbook. You won’t always be there, and if you’re together long term at some point you may need HIM to pick up more than his fair share/support you.

    3. You’re describing me to a tee. I’m miserable, desperate to break the cycle. I started therapy and Lexapro and I think slowly getting slightly better each day, but nowhere where I need to be, and I am terrified that I am about to lose my job. Help?

      1. I’ve been there. It’s good you are seeing a therapist and taking Rx. A book that helped me was The Disorganized Mind: Coaching Your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, and Talents by Nancy Ratey. It might help you implement some things to make you feel in control at your job. If you do lose your job, don’t panic you’ll get another.

        I found, though, that it followed me from job to job and wasn’t a reaction to one job as I had originally thought. So keep up with the therapy and build in new structures in the new job for success. And choose a job where you will have the right environment: I do best where someone else (assistant, paralegal, administrator) is charged with the daily to-do list, checking and following up for minutia, not having to do that myself. I also did well in a fast-paced area like managing a call center where I had little down-time and not a lot of check-the-box type activities. Your best environment may be different but give it some thought. Good luck.

    4. Sorry to thread jack, but has anybody had success with therapy for this issue? This is totally me, too. I posted the other day about how stimulants helped in some ways (making it possible to stay on-task without a deadline looming) but not others (I didn’t feel like I was able to produce my best work). Wondering if there are any firsthand experiences with a therapist / adhd coach-type person for this issue.

      As to your question, I agree with others that it’s not your problem to solve. I can’t think of anything my partner could do to help with this, other than not getting on my case when I’m in work-binge mode (which he doesn’t do and it doesn’t sound like you do either). I also agree with the suggestion he may need to think about a job with a more steady/structured work flow; this is something I have been pondering a lot myself lately.

    5. I have been/am like your partner with (undiagnosed) ADHD and also perform well under deadline/slack off when not challenged. I agree not to make it your problem. Wellbutrin is potentially an answer: Mine was helped by wellbutrin/bupropion so if he is tired of therapy and wants a break for a while, that might be an option. If he refuses to try anything that might be a warning sign for a future life together. I know from experience that mine won’t go away. My parent, my siblings and both of my kids all have the same tendencies and it’s something to be dealt with, but not entirely cured ever.

      I agree with the various comments about not being his therapist or healer and retaining your sanity. You might read When an Adult You Love Has ADHD: Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings: It has advice on setting boundaries.

      1. I posted above that this post describes me to a tee. Chiming into to say Wellbutrin worked wonders for me last time I had this issue. Highly recommend. Unfortunately I suffered side effects that became intolerable (chronic headaches), but it’s 100% worth trying.

      2. Thank you so much for your perspective (and everyone else who has commented!)–he’s definitely willing to try things and wants so strongly to improve, it’s just hard to do so. I will definitely check out the book recco.

  23. Can I hear from people who are comfortable with their body, have never focused too much on diet or appearance, and are generally satisfied? What made you so?
    Background: I grew up in lower middle class in an Asian country and my mother (math teacher) and grandmother never paid much attention to looks, weight, size or appearance other than being neatly dressed and appropriately dressed for the type of event. I’ve also been genetically gifted to be a reasonable healthy below-average weight and fairly average featured. I had active interests in school, friends who shared my interests, ate home cooked food, had limited resources to eat out but have never had body image issues and never been on a “diet” in my life.
    I moved to America post-teenage and notice that the American women I know all seem to be insecure about their body and looks, they are constantly on diets, feel bad that they are overweight or their face or skin isn’t good enough etc. I’m now in my 40s (metabolism slowed down but still love exercise and eat healthy, love vegetables and occasionally have dessert, don’t restrict any food and don’t think too much about it).

    I can’t figure out whether I am unusual to be this way, or if it is an income/country/cultural thing. Is it something about High School in America that makes girls insecure? Is it the media that focuses unhealthily on weight and celebrity looks? Perhaps I wasn’t getting the nutrition to be a healthy weight when I was young (very little processed food available within our purchasing power, ate steamed rice and veggies) and it’s easier to eat more processed food in America.
    I know a few 20-somethings and the problem seems to be worse now with social media. Even my teenage niece who is smart, beautiful, healthy and fit seems to be posting about feeling bad about her looks (and seeking reassurance in the comments that she is beautiful). What’s going on here? How can I encourage them to immerse themselves in all the great, beautiful things in the world and stop worrying about the mirror?

    1. This is the greatest humble brag in history. Yay you, you’re thin, healthy, without distinctive features. I don’t think this is the forum for you. And as an anecdote, eating disorders for women in many Asian cultures are exceedingly common, especially current young generation. You simply were lucky to miss that boat.

      1. Hard disagree! There’s nothing humble here. ;)

        I’m wondering if the fact that the post features a plus- sized item is triggering weird trolls today? I hope not.

        OP, if this is real, if you’re forty years old and have lived in America for more than ten minutes, you probably know there’s a wealth of studies and books on weight, misogyny, and celebrity culture that all contribute to what you’re describing and affect American women and girls in a myriad of ways. If this all really mysterious and interesting to you, I’d urge to do some reading and return with more interesting question. You’ve essentially asked a group of prisoners if we’ve noticed our shackles and gleefully pointed out that you’re unrestrained.

        1. …or she’s an immigrant who has questions about a particular aspect of the American Experience.

          Not all of this is obvious.

      2. Yea I have to agree and this feels like a strange comment to direct at American culture. She didn’t specify which Asian country, but plastic surgery is a way bigger thing in South Korea, for example than the US. If anything, I feel like American culture accepts being overweight more than most other places.

    2. Is this some kind of a humble brag? Not sure. Anyway I’m a middle class white woman in my early 30s and I think my body looks great and always have. Shrug. My Asian friends all seem to have moms that constantly remark on their weight.

    3. Not a person who is comfortable with my body/appearance, but I would guess you’re in the lucky minority. I have had low self esteem about my appearance since pre-school, if that tells you anything. I remember thinking I was ugly and being jealous of the pretty blonde girls. I am in my 30’s now and I think it’s worse than ever now that I am aging. I think American culture indoctrinates girls into this way of thinking, unfortunately, that your inherent worth is based on your appearance. I remember being asked in Kindergarten “would you rather be pretty and stupid or smart but ugly”, and I picked pretty and stupid, and spent the next decade+ suppressing my own intelligence….

    4. I’m sorry, truly did not mean it as a humble brag. I’m probably in a minority in Asian cultures as well, agreed. And there isn’t much to brag about among all the other bad things in those cultures. I just didn’t seem to be in a minority when I was growing up in my small rural-ish town. My classmates and friends were like me. Nobody was well off and in fact bring overweight was seen as synonymous with being comfortably off. Maybe nobody got enough protein to eat.
      But also maybe, it was something to do with the way the women in my life treated me/themselves or my lack of access to TV (didn’t have a set until I was much older) or some other good reason that can be replicated. I think there are some people on this board who have previously posted that they’ve always followed “intuitive eating” and never dieted, felt good about their body etc. I was trying to find what was our common thread.

      1. You have a “conventionally attractive” figure by TV standards but you don’t have to think about it. Congrats.
        Enjoy your luck.

        I don’t understand why you are puzzled that women think about their appearance and try to change it when it’s clear that thin, conventionally “attractive” people have advantages…

      2. I’ve read that women who grew up in areas with less or no access to TV are way less likely to end up with eating disorders, so that may be part of it.

        I have occasionally intense body image issues, despite being pretty thin/healthy, objectively. Not all of mine are necessarily weight-related, but a lot of it is. I know for myself that the more I get involved with DOING things with my body, rather than seeing it as some sort of object or sculpture I can control, the better I feel about it. I.e. my body can lift this heavy thing, or hike this far, or run this fast. I’m a millennial but I think the focus on selfies and videos is even more intense for Gen Z. I am not sure how you can break that from the outside, except to maybe pull your niece out of her phone’s camera and do other things with her?

      3. I am someone who advocates Intuitive Eating here, but on the contrary–most people come to it after a lifetime of dieting and hating their bodies. Otherwise, we wouldn’t need a name for it or a book instructing how to do it!

        I have rarely met a woman who didn’t either have a problem with her appearance, or a story about overcoming such problems. As to why this is, there are libraries worth of research and speculation.

      4. If you move to a poor rural town in the US you’ll have the same experience. 40% of people in Mississippi, for example, are obese and probably higher rates in their small towns.

      5. I’m sorry for all the snark that you’ve gotten. I hear you, and I can relate.

        I have a somewhat similar background – though I grew up in the US, my parents are from East Asia (China) and never remarked on my – or anyone else’s – appearance growing up (outside of my hair being messy or clothes not being warm enough, literally nothing). Some of this might be because they grew up in the Cultural Revolution and had the idea that any focus on appearance or vanity was wrong. Add that to me being a socially awkward kid and not watching much TV, and it wasn’t until middle school that I even conceptualized that some people were “attractive” and other people were not.

        My the time I got to high school I definitely started caring about my appearance, and I do still. I notice if I put on some weight, I feel good when I’m a bit lighter, feel self-conscious in an unflattering outfit, sometimes try to eat healthier/exercise more to lose weight, don’t love the pudge on my stomach. But… appearance just isn’t as much a source of identity or anxiety to me.

        This long ramble is just to say, yes, other women exist in the US who do not have crippling body image issues.

    5. My parents were similar – never commented on my looks although I had to be appropriately dressed. I’m South Asian, and I have noticed a slight difference between American and Indian parenting. (I’m speaking in broad generalities bc of course people are individuals.) Indian parents go hard on academics, but they don’t tend to dwell on physical looks so much. They don’t call their daughters “beautiful” because it isn’t the point. They also don’t tend to care whether their daughters are popular. They are focused on other things.

      That said, society does a number on women’s self image and self esteem. So, I’m a mess, but it has nothing to do with my parents

      1. Yep my parents were this way too. I had to keep up grades (see about mom being a teacher) but nobody commented on looks and it wasn’t on my radar.

      2. Both my mom and MIL are WASP-y ish women who grew up in the 1950s. Both had parents that pushed them pretty hard-core on academics, but were just as fixated on them getting married ASAP. So sort of an MRS/BA-type track.

        My own mom and her relatives were pretty obsessed about weight and dressing “appropriately,” but weren’t super invested in how pretty we were and thought being popular was dumb.

        My MIL, on the other hand, is obsessed with looks and being really, really, beautiful, which clearly stems from her parents, who pushed her into things like beauty pageants and swimsuit contests.

        I’m sort of glad my own 12yo hasn’t seen my MIL for a while because poor 12yo has some acne and is just in an awkward phase.

    6. I am white, 40, and super happy with my body. The pandemic makes me even less inclined to think about my appearance (eg who has time to think about their fine wrinkles?!).

      Btw I had all kinds of body hang-ups in my teens and early 20s. I even quit the swim team in my teens because I could not stand to be seen in a swimsuit.

    7. I am fortunate that good eating habits (won’t call it “diet”) and exercise (run 20-25 miles a week) means that my body shape is relatively slim. (Prior to pregnancy last year in my late 30s, I was 32DD, 26 inch waist, rather tall.) I never liked beauty magazines and intuited at a very young age that their entire purpose is to make you feel ugly. I preferred reading to television.

      What is tough about American culture: body image disorders are contagious. Speaking of my own family and my husband’s family, women are so used to thinking that body image issues are “normal” that they are viscerally upset that I don’t have them… and will insult me relentlessly. I cannot count how many times I’ve been called fat, up to and including at my own wedding. Being told 2 months before my wedding that I looked “old” and needed intervention on my skin (ironic, strangers thought I was in my 20s) – really awesome. Just fantastic. Then, they do not understand when I explain the problem, because to them, feeling bad about your body is a normal state of affairs.

      Now, I’ve cut contact with the people who behave that way. Absent doing so, I would have massive body image issues. They insult my hair – that strangers have complimented me on. They snipe when I gain two pounds. They hate my makeup, they hate when I don’t wear makeup, they literally grab my face to stare at my makeup if my makeup is applied well. But there’s very little external feedback from the larger culture that another woman’s appearance should not be something you really devote that much mental energy towards, and there is a lot of external pressure to focus on tiny, tiny flaws (see: beauty magazines). So to them, a woman who thinks she’s good to go because she’s relatively slim, has nice hair, and clear skin is someone to be hated.

      1. Yes! It’s contagious. My mom and sister used to joke about how my grandmother must have been feeling great when they visited her in the hospital, because Grandma chastised them for being fat! (If she was telling anyone she loved them, she probably thought she was going to die.) My grandmother was delighted when my sister wore grandma’s graduation gown as a high school senior -so skinny! Never mind that my grandmother grew up in SW OK during the Great Depression and probably suffered from malnutrition.

    8. Getting into CrossFit and olympic weightlifting really fixed this for me. No one cares about your weight, but about how strong you are and how much your body can do. A place where thick/strong thighs are celebrated and the “ideal” body type is well-fed/rested.

      I often feel awkward when friends are talking about weight (losing, feeling self-conscious about their bodies, Spanx, etc.) because our bodies are incredible and can do so many amazing things. I think finding confidence in other things is super helpful. I’m also not on social media, so that’s helps immensely as well. I love my body and all the amazing things it can do, particularly getting under a barbell. :)

    9. I’ll bite. Late 30s and in the overweight BMI, but I feel good about my body. Sure a little sigh here and there for the muffin top, jiggly arms, and chunky thighs, but on a day to day basis I am happy with how I look. Love my eyes, hair, and curves. I consider myself athletic, going skiing, hiking, and biking on the weekends. My body looks like my family and I think that helps me realize this is who I am. My body can take me on fun adventures into nature and look slamming in a dress. I thank her.

  24. Looking for advice or stories from people who have been in similar situations: For the past five or so years the positions I’ve been in (I’ve been at the same employer for 7 years, but in 3 different departments over that time), have required very little effort to do the job. Like, I can spend hours surfing the internet (how I found this place). When there is work with deadlines to do, I can easily do it, and I have gotten great reviews. But as time goes on, I’ve found it harder and harder to motivate myself to do work unless there’s a very tight deadline. I am about to apply for a new job which I am very excited about, but I’m certain it’s not a role where I could come in, screw around on the internet for a few hours, and then get to work. I’m nervous about how I would go back to actually working an 8 hour day. Has anybody else gone through this? Obviously it’s still a hypothetical because I don’t have this job yet, but it is making me a little nervous to even apply.

    1. I’m in a job like your current job (which I think gets more common as you progress in your career – moving from the “doing of work”, to “deciding things”). I don’t know how I’d go back to a full-out job, honestly. I’m staying in my current one and adding outside activities instead.

    2. I’ve been there in the past, and was worried like you. I shouldn’t have worried – once the adrenalin of learning / doing something new kicks in, my type-A personality of ‘I want to be the best’ comes back and I do the hours without really thinking about it. I actually think about that time when I have quiet periods like now at work and I start feeling bad, when I need to deliver I do. I’m sure you will too

      1. I had the exact same experience. If you had the drive before, I think it will come back. I’m actually also in the same boat right now–downshifted to low-key job (but miserably unable to make myself work outside of a deadline) and wanting to shift back up but nervous about it. But I know it will come back and, at least in my case, it’s just a matter of not overcorrecting.

        1. Agreed with the comments above. It’s not hard to get your Type-A’ness back when you need it/want it. A fair amount of it is just interest and motivation. E.g., I went from a firm where I was billing less than 1200 a year (not enough work) to billing 2100 the following year at a different firm where I wanted to prove myself (and also, there was just a ton of work so I was constantly slammed).

    3. Most white collar jobs are like this, particularly when you have settled in and know the systems, processes, etc. Nobody wants to admit this because it would hurt their own feelings.

      1. +1000000. Hurt their own pride as well. I strongly recommend the book Bullsh!t Jobs for an anthropologist’s examination of this.

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