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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.Tuesday:http
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Good morning to all!
Hive, can you help on a topic that on the surface looks very frivolous. I need some shopping help and perhaps some wise words…
This is another one “help me chose a gift for myself” threads but I really need help. There is no occasion, I just recently realized that I don’t spend money on myself, ever, to a ridiculous point that is not healthy. I encourage husband and daughter (now teen) to buy something for themselves if it sparks joy and they occasionally indulge. I… cannot. It only recently struck home that I have rationalized out of purchasing every nice thing I want for myself, for the past 10 years. I only buy clothes to replace old ones or fill obvious gaps. I sometimes buy jewelry but only for birthdays or other occasions and that becomes my family’s gift to me (on my insistence). I very rarely buy cosmetics, again just to replace an old mascara for example. Heck I even stopped buying books at one point except for my career because “husband and daughter buy them anyway I’ll just read those ones first…”
Obviously there are issues behind this and I have been working on them with my family’s support. I work on asking for what I want, saying no, journal and have been deliberately kinder to myself this year and it’s been helping.
Now I want to buy something just because I like it, as an indulgence and … I don’t know how? Seriously, I browse online and I end up gravitating to things like replace my pajamas (mine are really old) or new sink accessories set (because the whole family can use it) and that’s not the goal of this exercise.
Help me think of something? What would you buy yourself as an indulgence just for yourself? Under $100 and just for me (so no kitchen gadgets). Preferably not a consumable but an inject, because that is what I struggle with more. And not clothes because I am in the middle of significant weight loss. It has to have a hint of luxuriousness in purpose, even if not in looks – the goal is to gift myself something I wouldn’t normally buy, that would bring me pleasure.
Ideas? I would also greatly appreciate suggestions of where to look (online) because pre-covid I only ever shopped for myself at Winners (Canadian version of TJMax I believe).
OP
An object not an inject… Need more coffee…
CPA Lady
A really nice blanket. Or a nice robe or nice slippers. OR ALL THREE PLUS A NICE CANDLE.
Apparently I’m in cozy mode over here.
Signed,
An overachiever at treating myself.
Anon
Is it possible material things just don’t bring you enjoyment? Do you also skip travel and experiences like shows and movies because you can’t spend? Maybe you are just not a “fancy object” type person. I don’t have an issue spending on myself, but I rarely if ever buy “luxuries” or “indulgences” because I know what I like, and it’s not the things societal expectations say a woman should use to pamper herself.
anon a mouse
I agree with this – I am very similar to the OP in that I just don’t derive a lot of joy from physical things. My indulgences right now are fancy spa supplies so that I can have a night of beauty at home — the act of carving out the time for myself is as much of a gift as anything. But over the years I have bought a luxurious robe, and slippers that help it feel spa-like. While I have a treatment on my feet, I will spend 45 minutes reading a book.
I also recently bought a year of Sirius XM so that I can listen to all different types of music while I cook dinner and go running. I used to listen to the radio only in the car and it’s been fun to explore different genres.
The other thing that I bought and love is a new ipad, with a keyboard case and a stylus.
Anonymous
I am having a hard time seeing what the problem is here. You buy yourself jewelry for special occasions, you replace your things when they get worn out or used up, and you are thoughtful about your consumption. If you were refusing to replace PJs with holes in them then you might have an issue, but it doesn’t sound as if that’s the case. If you want to spend $100 on something fancy and you can afford it, go ahead and treat yourself. But you don’t *need* to buy yourself something just for the sake of buying something, especially if you can’t think of anything you want.
Anon
+1
The only thing I would point out is the book thing — buy yourself a book you want to read! Or get it from the library. That’s more about the reading part than the buying part. Everything else sound like my consumption patterns, except that I haven’t bought jewelry in years.
Anonymous
I read the jewelry issue as – the only way OP can justify the purchase is because it’s “from the family.” She doesn’t let them get her a(nother) gift that they picked out. If OP wants something and can afford it, then she should be able to get it without guilt. And if the family wants to get her something, she shouldn’t feel like she has to shut them down because it’s “too much” to get two nice things on your birthday.
Anonymous
I think it’s wonderful that OP’s family lets her pick out her own gifts. My husband is a truly terrible gift-giver but wants so badly to give me the perfect surprise, and the whole thing is a waste of money and an emotional burden for both of us.
Anonymous
The book thing does seem like evidence she puts herself ridiculously last. The solution isn’t to buy books though! It’s to check them out from the library. You can use interlibrary loan like internet shopping and download most popular books to your kindle. You’d have to rack up ridiculous fines to equal one new $27 hardback book.
But by all means buy any book your library doesn’t have or any book that you need to read now (like if you want to read anti-racism books this summer.) In terms of new release novels, you can request them far enough ahead that you’ll be on the top of the waitlist.
But yes, when clothes are getting ratty, replace them. If you don’t have enough multiples of things to make it easy to delay laundry, purchase more. Have rooms in your house repainted, updated with some new pillows, a new furniture arrangement, and/or new art. Have your yard landscaped if you would enjoy it. You’ll be spending a lot of time at home.
PolyD
Or, if there is a really beautiful coffee table book for something that is important to you (a place you’ve traveled, an artist you love), that, in my opinion, is a book that could spark joy beyond just reading the book.
Anon
What if instead of replacing something you already own, you upgrade it?
I like to splurge on upgrading things I already have – a yeti travel coffee mug, a fancy bathrobe, Ray bans to replace the cheap sunglasses, something like that. It’s practical and you’ll use it (since you use the previous iteration of the item), but it will feel indulgent.
It would be good practice of buying something “frivolous” for yourself, but you also know you’ll use it.
Or – buy yourself a kindle and a few kindle books you’d like. Kindle books are cheaper than physical books so down the road you might feel better justifying buying books for yourself instead of reading hand me downs.
Anon
I would second this – you sound a bit like my mom – she will never buy nice things for herself, and if we buy them for her, they’re too much. This is how she eventually started “justifying” it – upgrading old standbys that she used a lot, but were still just for her.
Ellen
I agree with the OP. Since the Pandemic began I have learned to avoid just buying stuff b/c it is out there and I like it. I still buy alot of stuff that I am replacing, so I am not a drain on the planet b/c I give all the stuff I replace to Goodwill, NY Cares, my cleaneing lady and her daughter, Luz, or my neices, who will be able to fit into them in a few year’s.
Cat
aw, good for you for working on this! I personally like to “upgrade” things I use frequently rather than just looking for something to buy, as I find it maximizes the return on the spend.
For things you want to replace anyway like old PJs, you could try to find a nicer version for yourself than what you were planning to buy. I recently got Lake Pajamas (perhaps size up one if you want to be able to machine dry) and the soft-but-durable cotton feels amazing vs. the inexpensive, quick-to-pill Target type stuff I was replacing.
if you’re working from home, what about something new to make that more comfortable? A keyboard/mouse or monitor if you’re just using a laptop? A nice cozy sweater for around the house (check out the Barefoot Dreams sweaters that will be part of the Nordstrom sale shortly)? I know you said no clothes but the size on these type of sweaters would be forgiving for weight loss.
For reading – get a Kindle (models at all price points) and then you can check out library books remotely, for free!
Anon
There’s certain items that have drastically improved my quality of life. For me, it was Bose wireless ear buds + Apple Watch (so I can take long. relaxing walks in the evening without fiddling with wires or a phone), a Yeti mug (so I can enjoy hot coffee throughout my mornings), fresh flowers from Costco once a week (which brighten up my kitchen). I would find something that really improves your life experience and buy that.
pugsnbourbon
+1. Think about the things you touch and use every day, and think about what brings you joy. Start there.
Anonymous
Art? Find a painting or sculpture.
No Face
I don’t like objects so my advice may not be the best.
Buy a few books and a really nice bookmark. (I once had a beautiful metal bookmark that someone gave me. I lost it but I miss it). You mention that you rarely buy cosmetics. Buy yourself a nice velvety lipstick. Who cares if you’re wearing a mask when you’re outside the house? You also mentioned jewelry, why not browse etsy for a unique piece of jewelry?
You said no food, but lately I have been treating myself to prepared foods that no one else in my family likes. I am family cook, so it feels very lux.
anonymous
I too have trouble spending money on myself sometimes. It’s gotten a bit better overtime with practice. (I.e., realizing that it’s not selfish/a moral failure to spend money on something you don’t “need” and I won’t immediately go bankrupt by spending money on hair products. I got some weird ideas about spending money on ‘frivolous’ items from my family of origin.) How about framing it not as searching for an object, but as trying to identify a bigger-picture purpose? For an easy example, I found myself constantly irked by searching for a phone charger/having a dead phone battery. So now I have many, and they are kept everywhere. Car, bedroom, kitchen, office, one tucked away in my suitcase just in case. Is it a particularly intriguing gift just by itself? No, but the sense of ease and absence of frustration is a gift. Yeah I can go grab one from another room or try to remember to carry an extra one everywhere, but why add even more things to try to remember to my already overloaded brain? Same thing with organization. Do I truly “need” all the pretty organizer systems out there? No. Could I technically spend my money on something more important, like food or utilities or just saving it? Yes. Does it feel exciting or special or celebratory to hold this object in my hand? No. But it feels amazing not to frantically search for items when I’m getting ready and it makes cleaning and staying decluttered soooo much easier. That is the gift.
Anonymous
My mother has the same issue you’re struggling with. She’ll occasionally splurge on something nice for herself, but then she feels intense guilt and can’t even look at the nice thing she got. I’ll randomly discover a new necklace in my jewelry box that she somehow snuck in there from her last visit. You of course know yourself best, but in your shoes, I might start with something practical but very nice, and work your way up from there. Comfy slippers/robe/loungewear from PJ Salvage or Cosabella? A few adorable coffee mugs from a local artist or Anthropologie? A cute desk lamp from Wayfair? Bath products – check out Lush or L’Occitane.
Anonymous
Since you explicitly mentioned books, might that be an easy place to start? Take your budget and but whatever grabs you eye. Even if you could get it at the library. Even if it’s only available in hardcover. Especially if it comes with a pretty leather bookmark.
Worried
Apologies if I am projecting my own feelings here and hopefully not misreading, but your description struck a cord with me. I feel as though I ‘want’ and ‘yearn’ for things as well, and I don’t buy them. While I agree that it’s good to be pragmatic and replace worn things, I believe I sometimes sacrifice what I want, but I’m not sure why. On the one hand I may want – let’s say a new dress from Anthropologie, yet I yearn for it, and then forget about it. I do wake up in the morning and wish the item was in my closet. I can afford the item, yet I always wait for sales because that seems logical to me. When an item sells out, I say to myself there will be other items, and there are, but sometimes I feel I should just buy the item to feel a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment. This cycle can end up unfulfilling and a form of too much denial. My husband always encourages me to buy the thing because he says that I put myself last, and in that sense, I understand why it’s important to make the plunge and just buy it already! Another barrier to actually purchasing something is the older I am, the more fussy I become in terms of what I actually want. I want dresses with sleeves, or comfier pants For work, and at times, these are not easy to find and the search takes over with no end. What works for me, and I’m still working on this — is realizing that it’s ok to buy something I want, and that if It doesn’t work or last, I can just have a bit of ‘fun’ and enjoy satisfying the yearning every once in a while.
AnonInfinity
This all really hit me as well. Both your explanation and the OP. I have always put myself waaaaay last, and in my former marriage, I felt a lot of this yearning and denial. It wasn’t imposed by my ex, but was a mindset I’d always had. After the divorce, I basically did a casual wardrobe makeover at Anthropologie and bought so.many.clothes at full price. It felt amazing. It’s been 2 years since I did that, and I haven’t bought much since, but it gave me such a feeling of empowerment. It wasn’t the acquisition of the stuff, it was more that I realized I can get things that I want and that make my life better in one way or another if I want.
I agree with the posters who encourage you to upgrade what you already have. That’s basically what I did– I upgraded my clothes from old Target t-shirts to beautiful items that I love and that look great on me. It was the perfect gateway. I still don’t buy a lot of stuff, but I do try to buy nice things that I’ll enjoy using when I do want to get something new.
Also not the answer for everyone, but this is well-worn behavior pattern for me in all areas. I’ve been working on it in therapy really intensely for a while now, and that has also helped tremendously. Honestly, even that process feels indulgent, even though I can tell it’s making my life a lot better in the long run. Good luck to you!
SuperAnon
I’m in a similar spot to you, just finalizing the divorce now. I started realizing in the past year and a half or so that I can (and should!) take steps and do things that make me happy, and that I am worth being happy.
I’m also spending a ton of time in therapy tackling this mindset, and other foundational issues. It does feel indulgent to me, too, but it’s improving my life so much.
Worried
I appreciate how your Anthropologie wardrobe makeover at full price was an empowering moment— I love that you did this. I am trying to bring myself to doing this, and your story is inspiring me to try:)
anon
I like to buy myself nice consumables–bath products, scented candles, beauty products, makeup. Also, my mom bought me Ugg slippers for Christmas, and they are my favorite thing.
I don’t think you need to browse to find things to spend money on. Think about what would make your day-to-day life better–a book light to read in bed at night? earbuds to listen to an audio book while you do chores? a nice robe and slippers? new exercise equipment or clothes? If you can’t think of anything, consider it OK that you have everything you need to be happy.
Vicky Austin
+1 to your last sentence. OP, don’t rob yourself of this joy by forcing yourself to come up with something! If nothing calls to you right now, give yourself permission to buy the next thing that really calls to you, and move on.
Anonie
+1 to Uggs. I know that they may look a little “college girl in the 2010s” but I couldn’t afford them back in college and now I LOVE wearing them while running errands and lounging around the house. They are comfy and soothing and I wish I lived somewhere cold enough to wear them year-round.
Anon
Consider an item that does double duty. If you buy books, you have the book and, implicitly, time to read it. If you buy luxurious bath products, you implicitly get to take time for the bath.
Alternatively, move your budget up to $200 if you can afford that and buy yourself a nice piece of jewelry.
KP
This post is making me want a massage so bad.
Formerly Lilly
How about A practical but luxurious treat for your skin? From L’Occitane, the Almond Smooth Skin Duo (almond shower oil, and my favorite lotion that I occasionally splurge on, almond milk concentrate), plus a small Shea Butter Hand Cream. $91 total. A little of these products goes a long way and they will last you a while.
Nesprin
How about buying a time/experience thing? I’d spend money on cleaning services/outsourcing the least favorite chores/ travel/ interesting classes/experiences over a thing.
eertmeert
I LOVE my EVA Birkenstocks. They are washable, super comfy and lightweight. I use them as house shoes. I have the Madrid which only have one strap and are super easy to slip on and off. They are like $45. Have never worn Birkenstocks but I will never be without a pair of these from now on.
The website Rank & Style is a fun spot to shop from. They do top ten lists of various items. Mostly clothing and skin/hair care. They post about 3 – 5 a day, and you can look through the archives.
Anonymous
TW: miscarriage
My sister had a late miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. My MIL doesn’t live in the same city or otherwise know my sister beyond the (fewer than five) occasions they’ve had to interact, and through social media. She wants to send my sister a memoir on grieving a miscarriage that a friend of hers read. My sense is that although MIL is well-meaning, this is too intimate for a friendly acquaintance, and also somewhat presumptuous, for lack of a better word. MIL is religiously conservative, and I think it’s likely this book would be written from that perspective (which my sister does not share).
I realize that there’s no good script for how to respond to a miscarriage, because I’m struggling with that fact, too. I don’t know why this feels so odd and… invasive? And I’m not sure how to handle. Should I just give her my sister’s address and assume that this will be one of many misplaced attempts to be kind, and that my sister can toss the book if she doesn’t want it? Or is it in bounds to say, “That’s so kind, MIL, thanks for your thoughts, but that feels like an awfully personal gift for her to be surprised by. If Sister says that she’s looking for a book, I’ll share that you recommended this one.” (What I actually want to say is please stop with this spectating and racing to send something to someone who you don’t actually know who’s in a tragic situation that is necessarily but very weirdly public. Back off. Not a charitable or helpful response, I realize.)
Anonymous
For what it’s worth, my sister just went through the same thing, and she got a ton of similar gifts from distant friends and acquaintances. She took them as the kind gestures they were meant to be and ignored what she didn’t want to read, etc. I wouldn’t pick this battle with my MIL personally, but you know your sister and how she’ll react.
Anon
Has your MIL had a miscarriage? That might be why she’s being so presumptuous. If you don’t think your sister would be upset I would let her send it I guess.
Anon
Gosh, that’s tough. Can’t you bring her husband/the MIL’s son into this and let him decide since he will know the MIL better? If it’s ultimately decided that stopping her from sending it is the best approach, she’s probably less likely to get offended in a lasting way if it comes from her son versus from you.
Cat
Can you ask your MIL to send it to you so you could share it with your sister (therefore having the benefit of giving it with whatever context you think appropriate)?
anon
This is what I would probably do IRL, but I would privately seethe that MIL put me in that position. We give so much respect and grace to those that are prosthelytizing, but those that prosthelytize lack the same respect for those who do not share their views. Because it’s your MIL, you probably can’t say anything, but if it was a neighbor or someone with less familial ties, I’d be sorely tempted to push back a lot to protect my sister from unwanted, unsolicited, and unwarranted prosthelytizing when she is going mourning her loss.
Vicky Austin
Can you run defense for your sister? Such as, “Sure MIL, that’s very thoughtful. Drop it off with me and I’ll make sure it gets to her.” Then don’t make sure.
I think this could happen in my family, although it would be my mom trying to push her well-meaning help on my in-laws and I would have to shut it down. I agree with the suggestion to bring your husband in and ask him to intervene with his mom if that’s possible.
anon
I have a similar MIL and I find all the religiously conservative stuff really detrimental to our relationship because she cares more about proselytizing than about my family. Against that background, this sounds like an awful “gift” and you’re kind to put a stop to it.
If your sister was religiously conservative and wanted support from that community, it might be different.
Anonymous
Why does your MIL even know that your sister had a miscarriage? If your sister is broadcasting that information to casual acquaintances, then presumably she is looking for support from all sources, so your MIL’s gift should be well received. If your sister is trying to keep the information private and your MIL somehow found out, then I’d try to intercept the gift.
Anonymous
Possibly not your intention, so take this as a gentle word of caution. The language you use here is really stigmatizing. Her sister didn’t “broadcast” her miscarriage because that’s a loaded term with negative connotations. I’ll also add that women who have later miscarriages/stillbirths don’t tend to have the same choice to not disclose as women who miscarry earlier on. If everyone was aware of her pregnancy, it’s much more complicated to not share your miscarriage with others. And there is no reason someone should not share such a devastating experience however they choose to.
Cat
Agree with this. If the MIL in question is anything like mine, she could make friends with a houseplant, wants the best for everyone, and is facebook friends with everyone she meets. If Sister had announced the pregnancy on facebook, she might have decided to announce the miscarriage that way as well, etc.
Anonymous
The above commenter is correct (thank you to her): my sister was well past her first trimester and was visibly pregnant. The baby had a name and a nursery, and all signs (and genetic tests) pointed to a healthy, perfectly normal pregnancy during the second trimester until they just… didn’t. It was late enough that she had to labor and deliver.
(As to “broadcasting,” MIL knows this because my partner told her, not through my sister or social media channels.)
Anon
This is heartbreaking, and I am so so sorry for your sister. She’s in my thoughts.
Anon
This is heartbreaking. My best to your sister and your entire family.
As a very technical matter, if she was past 20 weeks, the baby was technically stillborn. This matters in that if you tell people that your sister’s baby was stillborn, it makes it easier to understand the gravity of the loss and why people knew about it. (Miscarriage leaves deep wounds and is traumatic; I am not understating that.)
Senior Attorney
Oh, I’m so sorry! This is just crushing.
Anon
+1
Anon
i would just give the address. it is like your MIL’s version of sending a card. your sister can just toss it.
NYCer
+1. It is your MIL way of showing she cares. Your sister can throw it away if she isn’t interested.
Anonymous
Not exactly the same, but I got a lot of these kind of books when I was diagnosed with cancer. I just put them aside, and wrote a short note to the giver. It comes from a place of care, I believe. But I don’t have to read it.
Sloan Sabbith
Yeah, I get a bunch of this type of stuff. I say thank you and give it to goodwill.
Anonymous
I would give her the address and give your sister a heads up that something might be coming. I’m in the middle of a similar situation. My friend’s brother in law just got worsening news about a medical diagnosis. Its a diagnosis I have had, and we met face to face to talk about it once, and emailed/texted a few times. I asked my friend for his address as I wanted to send a card. My intention was to send a “thinking of you” type of card. My friend said her BIL is very private about the situation and didn’t provide the address. I wouldn’t have known about the update if she hadn’t told me, so I let it drop. But I have to say her reaction rubbed me the wrong way, given many issues have been shared between her extended family and mine.
anon
I 100% agree with this comment. Give MIL sister’s address and make small talk, while privately alerting sister that it appears MIL intends to send her this memoir. I think that covers you from all angles.
Anonymous
I think you are projecting your own issues with your MIL onto this interaction. I lost a child, and several people I had never met and have never met since sent emails or cards or books- they were all friends of friends who had heard the news, or parents of my or my partner’s friends. Some of the books were not my taste, but none of them upset me. Losing a child is so earth-shattering that things like this do not feel like an imposition or intrusive in a way that they might about less impactful life events. Just give her the address. If the book is not your sister’s style, she doesn’t have to read it, but it’s the thought that counts. People who did not reach out for exactly the reasons you stated- because they were worried it might be too intimate or presumptuous- were really hurtful to me.
Anonymous
What about something that will also act as a reminder that its ok to indulge every once in a while — like a really nice key chain. I bought a beautiful pewter one the last time I was in Vermont (store is called danforth if you want to look — cool business that employs local artisans). Or something cozy and Canadian like a new Roots hoodie for the fall — a modest shift in weight won’t impact the sizing. Are you working at home — could be something nice for your home desk like a really pretty glass paperweight. Enjoy picking something you love!
Anon
What morning news podcasts do you listen to? I used to listen to the previous night’s SkimThis while I was getting ready but they’ve cut back to weekly shows instead of daily.
I don’t like NYTs The Daily and I’ve tried NPRs Up First which I like but don’t love. I bike to work so this is in place of getting my news radio during a car commute. Looking for something maybe 10-20 mins long and covers national news. I read a ton of news once I get to work but would love a quick overview before that.
A.
What a Day! It’s a podcast from Crooked Media (creators of Pod Save America) and I love it. Upbeat, clever, but with a focus on national news.
A.
I don’t have anyone in my life I can ask about this so am hoping this board of internet strangers can weigh in. I’m married with three kids, and my spouse and I both have stable jobs. We own our home, and our mortgage is well within our means. We both drive 10-year-old paid-off cars. Recently, due to the sale of a (small) second property in a hot market as well as an unanticipated bonus for my husband, we realized that we’re going to come into $100,000 in additional income this year. I grew up on food stamps and while I’ve come a long way since then, this is more money in a lump sum than I’ve ever considered before…it’s truly mind-blowing to me.
We’ll spend ~$10K to pay off my undergraduate student loans and a recent medical bill, but once that’s done our only debt will be our mortgage.
We had to take our savings down to about $5K this summer in order to renovate the property to sell; $10K represents one normal month of expenses for us. So my first step is to replenish our emergency fund. In a typical month we save between $1,000 and $2,000 of our take-home pay, so we’ll continue to build it that way as well.
My question is…what else should we do with this money? We’re doing pretty well on retirement savings — I’m of the mindset that we could always put more away, but we have “enough” (whatever that means) given our ages and when we plan to retire. We need to start paying more attention to our kids’ college funds. I’d like to do some home improvements — we need new windows, paint, and trim on the outside of our house; redoing the kitchen and master bath are in the longer-term plan; husband wants a pool (I know, I know!).
I think part of my angst is parking a large sum of money in an account where it will only make ~1% if that, due to such low rates. Maybe there’s a better place for us to put our emergency fund? Or should we hoard it all right now/no home improvements?
Also if you have a pool and live in a temperate Midwestern climate I’d love to know more :)
Anonymous
For an emergency fund of similar size, I’m looking into laddered CDs.
TheElms
You don’t say what ages your children are, but I would take advantage of compound interest and put it toward your kids’ college educations. Its also nice for peace of mind. If something were to happen and your circumstances changed you would know, well at least we have X set aside for college. Maybe X wouldn’t cover everything you intended to cover but its a lot better than nothing or substantially less than X. Beyond that I would put it toward the home repairs that are more structural any may get you savings in the long run. New windows would reduce your heating and cooling bills. Paint and trim could prevent wood rot which could be expensive to repair down the road.
Cat
1. Tax planning. If nothing was withheld from the bonus, be sure to set aside enough for next year; look into whether you’ll need to pay estimated taxes.
2. College funds. Compound interest.
3. Home maintenance.
4. Pool… maybe you could build a nice deck + above ground pool for less money than in ground?
Yay for extra cash!
anon
If you’re going to be in the house for a while or this is your forever home: do the renovations and put in the pool. It’ll be money well spent and you’ll enjoy living there that much more. Especially if your home is the place that you spend the majority of your time in during these covid times. Also, in general, i have never regretted money spend on new and more efficient windows, or a kitchen remodel, etc. Makes home life much happier!
I think the emergency fund replenishing , allotting some percentage of the money to pad the college funds, and then using the rest to upgrade and remodel your home are all smart investments.
Diana Barry
If your emergency fund is only $5K I would put at least $60K in the emergency fund (6 months’ worth of expenses). Then $10K to pay off the loans and I would earmark the remaining $30K for taxes for next year, if taxes weren’t taken out already.
Anon
+1
If taxes were accounted for, I would set aside the remaining $30k and call it “college savings” but be prepared to use it as an extra emergency fund. I would consider the new windows, since those could be very energy saving, but I would hold off on any optional upgrades given the current economic uncertainty. I would also continue saving the 1-2k a month towards the optional home upgrades, but I wouldn’t do them right now.
anon
If these were my financials, this money would be enough to replenish the emergency fund and pay taxes, maybe pay off debt. Other stuff and more emergency fund can be funded out of future income.
I value an enormous emergency fund (year plus) because I can think of lots of things that can go very wrong and I live in a country without a sufficient social safety net to catch me.
anonshmanon
Agreed! Your emergency fund needs that money.
Anonymous
Step by step! Figure out how big your emergency fund needs to be. Then, fully fund it! What a gift to be able to do so all at once and know you have that security. Leave it in savings or readily accessible CDs and remember it is there is case you really need it quickly and shouldn’t be invested.
Then assess how much is left over and what your short, medium, and long term goals are.
Frankly, if you need 10k to cover one month expenses and your cash on savings are down to 5k, to me you’re living pretty close to the edge so I don’t necessarily think you can afford big items now, but paying yourself first frees up cash going forward.
Anon for now
This. I would do a full emergency fund (for me, that’s 6 months to a year of spending) and put the extra in the kids college funds. Like others said, compound interest is in your favor. I put $15k in each kid’s college fund this year (both under 5) because it will grow. I also gave extra to a couple of organizations that I care about.
I have more money now than I could have ever imagined growing up. I’ve realized the true value of wealth is security. My house and car aren’t particularly impressive, but if I get laid off I could keep them both. I can go to the hospital without worrying about paying the bills. If my kids need something, I think about what’s best for them and get it. Worth my weight in gold! The people with the fancy houses and the fancy cars are often up to their eyeballs in debt.
Also, my husband owns a Midwestern pool company that builds concrete pools. If you put a deposit on a pool right now, the absolute earliest they would start building is more than a year from now. If you want to swim sooner, get an above ground.
Anonymous
If this were me, I’d make sure taxes were covered and then keep it all in cash in an FDIC-insured account. If your cars are both 10 years old, there’s a real possibility that one or both will soon need a major repair that just isn’t worth it. It’s great to be in a position to write a check for a brand-new car that you know you will keep for another 10+ years.
Anonymous
So taxes and emergency funds are great points. But I’ll focus on the pool question! I am child free but most friends have kids. I was recently at a friends in IL and another in IA (I’m Covid negative, regularly tested, and live alone, before people start threadjacking).
Friend 1 regularly has her adult friends, and one neighbor kid, over. Loves it. No regrets although something happened with the pool liner and they needed like a thousand to replace it. They built an above ground but they totally upgraded their deck so you can’t tell that it’s above ground – they live on a hill and the deck is pretty substantial.
Friend 2 has 4 kids under 8. They have strict rules to prevent downing, private swim lessons, etc. in ground pool that will need a new slide and stuff soon. The kids are in it every day over 75 degrees.
Other thing – think about insurance costs. And fencing needs depending on neighborhood.
anon
Agree with other commenters to make sure taxes are taken care of, fully fund your emergency fund, and pay off debt. Then continue to save your $1000-2000 per month toward college fund, replacement cars, and home improvements, in whatever order of priority makes the most sense to you.
Ellen
I think you ought to save the money for the future. Regardless of any lump sum, do not go out and spend, b/c there is a pandemic, and you could lose your job and have no money. My dad says you came from a poor background and if you don’t want to go back, save the money. Yes, all of it he says. Then, if you NEED something, you won’t have spent it.
Elizabeth/Kat, has anyone in the hive suggested a “swap around” for us, where we can just post stuff we don’t want and those that do can contact us via Instagram and we can send it to them? I think that would keep the hive vibrant and allow others to see we are not just going to be frivulous with our money, and that if we don’t want something, we can just p’ost it for give away’s on this website!
Anon
Something similar happened to me recently — My emergency fund was about 3 months of expenses, and I was trying to save up to 6 months of paychecks when I inherited about $60k. I’m single and have no children. I set aside some for taxes on the advice of my financial advisor due to the type of asset I inherited. I used the remainder to beef up my emergency fund to 6 months of paychecks and put a large chunk of it in my new car fund so that I now only have to save $85 per month to get to my desired level by the time I think I’ll need a new car. The rest of the money is now in a holding account while I decide. I think it’s ok to give yourself a little time to decide the best use for it. My current plan is to save it for now and maybe use it for some home upgrades in a few months if my job continues to be stable. If I were you, I’d do that or put it into the college funds after thinking for a bit.
Anon
Once your savings are above your minimum emergency fund, you can invest the rest, you know. It doesn’t have to be a 1% rate savings account.
I am going to tell you something sort of personal here. I’m 55. I worked hard and played hard most of my professional life and saved just the normal amount out of my salary for retirement and emergency fund. However, any bonus I received, I spent a minor amount and the rest went straight to etrade. Some in classic savings, but most invested.
Now at 55 I have lost my job in the pandemic. Husband and I looked at the numbers… and to be perfectly honest, I never have to work again. I have always been the primary breadwinner and have worked my ass off my whole life, and the idea that I’m maybe (?) retired early and the kids and my family will be absolutely fine is astounding to me. I do a little independent consulting right now, and am hoping to grow that, but the key is I don’t have to.
That is worth so much more than a pool.
Anon
I love this. Thank you for sharing.
Anon
It’s great to hear of hard work and responsible spending/saving working out. Sincerely, enjoy it!
Anon
Can you say more about your investment strategy??
Anon
Mostly index funds but I also did well in a few I selected – Amazon, Apple, and a gold fund called IAU
Anon
Thank you!!
Anon
Your usual expenses are $10k per month in the Midwest and that does not include adequately funding college. You have 2 weeks of expenses in savings. Your cars are ten years old. You forget the pool, the renovations, and the extras and you talk to a financial planner.
I would also suggest talking to specialists about paying for college. Perhaps colleges will cough up need-based aid and ignore the fact that you spent six figures on a pool and a master bath renovation. More likely, they will tell you that it’s going to be a big pile of money.
Anon
+1. Blunt, but probably helpful. Suggest considering an above ground pool ($4-10k) and saving/investing/retirement fund/newer cars with better safety features with other funds.
Anon
I might have been a bit harsh, but I’ve also seen a lot of parents throw money into amazing houses, hundred thousand dollar renovations, and then are just gobsmacked when they see how much college costs and how much they are expected to pay.
They also don’t understand that they can royally screw their kids because until their kids are 24 or in grad school, their assets and income determine their children’s eligibility for need-based aid.
Anon
Yes, all of this. Sorry, but home renovations are sometimes necessary and at times appropriate in a well thought out budget, but in general the things you *could* do to your home can be never ending, super expensive, I have a hunch rarely get the money back 1 for 1 in a sale, and this is going to sound harsh but we weren’t all meant to live with a HGTV-ready kitchen and bath. From the post the college and emergency funding needs to be prioritized ASAP. If you’re old enough to have 3 kids make sure you are aware of what current college costs are. They are a world of difference from when we went.
But I say this as someone who for the most part always saves/invests bonuses as if it’s money I never had, I never get them and say, let’s think of what random things I can spend this on! Trust me, stuff over time will come up.
Anon
+ 1 million – I read this post once and was dreaming of fun things to spend on but entirely missed the detail that you have TWO WEEKS of savings.
Financial planner to make that money work for you, which a pool will not do. You’re going to need new cars at some point and have other expenses and it sounds like you’re otherwise woefully underfunded for that.
Anon
I would take it step by step (and ignore the rude poster above) – first, figure out how large of an emergency fund you need – if one of you loses their jobs, can the other cover expenses? What are your non-working/bare bones expenses? Then multiply that expected number by 6 or so, and add a bit of padding. Then see what’s left. I’d look at where your college funds stand – how much do you want to save, and how much would you need to save now – there are calculators out there to help you.
After those two are done, I’d look at what’s left and consider whether this is your forever (or at least almost forever) house – if so, I’d say spending on things like a pool is more of an investment in your enjoyment of the house – do it! Or at least start specing out the cost of the renovations you want to undertake – you might need to save more, but it at least gives you a goal.
Walnut
1. Taxes; 2. Emergency Fund, 3. Brokerage account. You might have more clarity on the best use of the money if you let it fester for six months.
Annie
If you worked a high stress job with very long g hours, where you were expected to be “on call” a lot – big law, banking, politics, consulting, some fields of medicine – when you left were you just used to working those hours or did you never want to work them again?
My friends and I are split on this. Some of them are like they’re used to it now so whatever while I’m like you better not bother me unless it’s actually that time sensitive, because in my old job they were.
Anonymous
I never wanted to work them again and refused to. Life is too short. That’s why I left.
CountC
+1
Airplane.
+1. Get in, earn the $$$, get out and will never look back.
Senior Attorney
Yup same here.
anon
I’m with you on this — I prefer not to be bothered for routine stuff outside of work hours. After leaving my “on call” job, it took awhile for me to get used to this 9 to 5 lifestyle. I’ve now reached the point where I don’t carry my work phone on weekends (back when weekends used to mean something lol) and have it set to automatically go on do not disturb mode overnight. I don’t think I could go back to the stress of reacting immediately to every incoming alert.
Anony
I think it depends on whether i was passionate about it. Also, different family priorities. Like — now that I have a baby, would i want to go back to being on call, with usual calls in the middle of the night —- nope. But, maybe when baby is older and I miss having a more fast paced job. Right now I feel like my family life is fast paced enough and I’m okay with a less fast, less interesting job.
Cat
At first I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. Like, 5:30 rolls around, the office empties out, and there’s not much after-hours email… literally what do I do? I had never needed to think about how to fill my time in the evenings as a working adult.
So it took a little while to (1) reallocate weekend “life management” to after-work – like running errands, light chores, etc, thus freeing up weekends for doing actual fun stuff, and (2) pick up a few dormant hobbies.
Several years later, there’s no way I would go back. Relationships are better and life overall feels more rewarding, I can take a vacation and not be worrying about the loss of billable hours, etc.
Annie
I definitely felt that at first! I do think that’s why some people still let work eat into their evenings even when it doesn’t need to. I was like I need extracurriculars again!
Airplane.
I will admit that I still spend a chunk of my post 5:30 time doing professional / career things – networking events (pre-covid), drafting articles for trade publications, non-profit board leadership, presenting at industry events, etc. But they are for me, not my employer! And it’s all “my time” so I don’t have to worry about billable v non-billable.
cbackson
Caveat that I’m only 6 months into it and most of it has been during covid times, but kind of a combo. I never want to be on call in that specific way again – where it’s commonplace for a client to email me with something at 8 PM that’s going to ruin my life for the next week and has to be started immediately and where my personal life and commitments don’t matter unless someone is literally dying or being born. However, I moved to a GC-type role (it’s a slightly unusual position) and the hours can be long and, during covid, have involved a lot of emergencies, and I think that my biglaw experience has helped me cope better with those demands.
Anon
Caveat that I haven’t left yet (consulting), but I am in your camp. Even now I am pretty protective of my after 6pm time. I would only consider positions in the future that don’t treat evening work as the expectation rather than the exception.
Clementine
My new hours are 8-4. I’ve been here almost 2 years. Every time I leave at 4, I feel like I’m ‘getting away with something’. I regularly check in at night or on the weekends… I still do it in part because i can, but also: I ABSOLUTELY will not go back.
Old job had a strong ‘butts in seats until at least 5:30, at which time you waited to be released and told you could leave for the day’ culture/policy. Bosses would regularly be chatting in an office while us worker bees literally waited to be told whether or not we could go home for another 30 minutes. People who walked out at 5:30 without being released were often called back and told to come back in and finish one last assignment to ‘teach them’ that they needed to be released. My longest work week I worked 144 hours in just over 7 days (I count the last day as one because I went to work at 8AM on a Thursday and didn’t leave until 7PM on Friday.) It got me where I wanted to be in my 20’s, but now. I want to be home with my kids. I want to go work out without guilt. I want to be a person.
Anon
I’m an emergency manager so always on call (either officially or unofficially) and when things go south (like all of 2020) the hours are insane.
I love what I do, so I’ll never leave but it wears on you and I have fantasies about a 9-5.
I just saw a meme and it said something along the lines of “love what you do and you’ll always be working” with “and you’ll never work a day in your life” crossed out
Anon
I never wanted for work them again. I could tell I was burned out when I replied-all to yet another “urgent” email with “Merry Christmas” on Christmas morning, as my kids were still opening presents. After four years I was fed up. And honestly, it wasn’t that urgent.
My job had been fairly on-call before that, I’d always checked and responded to emails on vacation, for instance, and sometimes had done project work beyond emails, but the job I’m describing was go-go-go 24/7. I sat in my hotel room in London while on vacation on a 3 hour conference call. I got in an email fight on a beach in Hawaii. I would wake up at 5:30am to get on calls and still be on the phone when my husband and kids got home from work and school. I had a “flexible” schedule but I was always available. And everything was an emergency.
I finally left that job a few years ago and I will never take another like it.
Anon
My favorite was a client who called me on Christmas morning on my cell and never acknowledged that he might be interrupting my holiday (which was a holiday that I know he also celebrated). I still get the off-hours calls and emails in my current position, but at least there are profuse apologies and an understanding that sometimes we just plug the hole in the dike until a more opportune moment.
Anon
That was the same in my situation. No acknowledgement that it was Christmas. And the person sending the email was a Catholic (talked about it a lot.)
That’s why responded “Merry Christmas” – it was my signal that I wasn’t going to respond in any other way that day. Then the boss who had sent the email responded to my response with a “oh yes, merry Christmas, everyone” and dropped it.
People were telling me I had brass ovaries after that, but honestly it was just the day I decided to look for a new job in earnest.
Anon
I’m in consulting and briefly tried a traditional hours job (8-6). I found it frustrating. The culture that made the evenings wonderful also made the days infuriating because the business as a whole was slow moving and had no excitement / hurry to actually action their plans, was super relaxed about rescheduling long-planned for meetings because one person on the team was now going to be out on vacation, etc. I went back to a different consulting firm with longer hours but this one is overall less stressful, and that was a positive. Do I wish that I didn’t work evenings? Yes. (I rarely work on weekends.) Am I willing to spend 10 hours a day at work feeling like I’m banging my head against a wall to get my evenings free? No. I suspect that in a few years I’ll take a shorter hour job, but will likely still work later at least 1-2 evenings a week, though probably more like until 8 PM instead of midnight-1-2.
anon
I left an “on call” job with long hours 4 years ago. I would not go back. To me, the biggest relief is the ability to plan. I can tell my 5 year old that we’re going to the beach this weekend, then actually go. I can just give him a kiss goodbye in the morning and tell him I’ll see him for dinner. I can plan a vacation, and people will respect the time away. Basically, I know when I’ll be working and when I won’t be, and that’s really important to me.
Anon
Never wanted to work them again, with the caveat that 100% of the time I had to do an immense amount of work at off hours, it was completely unnecessary but for the partner’s poor planning. If I had to work these hours again, I don’t think it would bother me nearly as much if it was a true emergency.
Anon
I have time off planned for late August (fingers crossed it is still a go) but I need to do something in the interim. I worked crazy crazy crazy hours during covid and civil unrest, and while things are mostly back to normal (tropical storm non-withstanding) I’m so fried. My office’s culture is not good (especially for women), and there’s a lot of changes in staffing on the horizon that I think will exacerbate things. My anxiety is back and there’s some somewhat stressful things going on in my personal life and I just need something to do to chill. My go-to’s are not currently viable (massage, facial, etc) so looking for suggestions.
Anonymous
Walks, beach, yoga, read a novel in paper, meditation?
Anonymous
I feel you. I started taking long baths and splurging on face masks, body scrubs, bath products, and guilty pleasure tv – like rom coms from my teen years. I don’t think about work during that 45 min process and I try try try to not check my phone after- so it’s basically bath then bed.
anon
+1. I find that adding a few drops of lavender essential oil to the bath is extra relaxing.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Oh man, I love carving out time to throw on an old romcom or some “trashy” reality TV while I paint my nails and give them more than adequate time to dry.
Anne
I’m finding brain candy page turner books to be my best “break.” Maybe read something a bit more brain candy then you normally would? The YA book Selection is free on amazon reads if you have prime and a kindle right now and I flew through it.
Marie
+1 on light books, especially modern romances or romantic comedies. I also find it soothing to have someone read them to me in audiobook format.
Anonymous
A bit of nature helps me, could you do a short hike, a long walk, a leisurely bike ride? Don’t get all goal oriented and wear yourself out, just enjoy the fresh air.
Anonymous
Calm app?
Anon
Does anyone work in private equity? What do you like about it and what do you hate? What’s your typical day? Typical week? What’s the typical background for someone who goes into a private equity firm?
Anon
Not in private equity but my clients are. The typical (95%+) path for private equity people is college with some sort of finance major/background, stint at an investment bank for 2 years, hiring tends to happen about a year out and private equity funds recruit from the investment banks, then 2 years as an associate, then business school, then VP at private equity and so on.
What role are you in now and why do you want to transition?
For my clients, the hours are pretty long (but most junior people say it’s better than the investment banking hours) and there is a lot of travel. You travel to management presentations to meet with potential investment targets and portfolio companies you own (board meetings, management meetings, random visits, etc.).
Jen
Good morning! Lady lawyers, what do you wish you had of known when applying to law school? I’m in the midst of the process now.
I’m targeting mid to bottom T14 with work experience in PR, a lower (think ~3.4) GPA and practice LSATs around 168 (which I’m going to try to get up to 170. Probably will just keep at it until I can get there given GPA debacle). Ultimately I want to do something to do with constitutional law – maybe even academia – or appellate work.
Anonymous
If you want to do con law, academia, and/or appellate work, don’t bother with law school unless you can go to H/Y/S.
Anonymous
I think this is overly narrow, I have T14 classmates who clerked at the Supreme Court and teach at fancy schools now, but the spirit is correct- if this is your main goal, and you can’t get into H/Y/S, there need to be lots of other jobs that make law school worth it for you because the odds of getting these are pretty low.
Anonymous
This. I’m an equity partner in BigLaw and doubt I could get hired to teach law (much less conlaw, which seems to be the domain of ex-SCOTUS clerks) anywhere but a high school.
anon
I think the only realistic option for the majority of people who want to teach is to be an adjunct. Or if you have a niche skillset, working with a law school clinic of some type. (Ex. – immigration rights or housing or child advocacy).
Anne
This. You can do government appellate work without H/Y/S but you usually have to prove yourself as an excellent trial brief writer for several years first. Assume you do in the bottom quarter of your law school class of a law school you can actually get into (not saying you will but you can’t bank on not), what job could you get that you actually want? If you can list three, and you’re not taking on loans you can’t reasonably pay off with the salary from those jobs, I’d say go, but if you can’t, don’t. I was lucky to get my top choice job out of law school but would have been happy with jobs that people in the bottom quarter of my law school class routinely got so I do think I should have gone.
cbackson
Unfortunately, agreed. OP, you’re targeting the most competitive and most snobbish area of legal practice. Are there other career paths in law you would want to pursue? Even most HYCCSN grads have to fight to get into those jobs.
Anon
+1 these jobs are few and far between and generally require prestigious clerkships as well. I would not go to law school if that’s your interest, there are very few career options and they are all very competitive so you need to be at a H/Y/S and close to top of class at H/Y/S
anon
+1
OP, I had very specific and lofty dreams for my law career and credentials that were almost good enough to get me there but not quite. (Graduating in 2011 probably didn’t help.) I have a perfectly okay career, but I wouldn’t do it again. The awfulness that was law school, hours of my current job, general boredom, and debt don’t feel worth it. The kind of jobs you want are incredibly competitive and even if your credentials are “good enough,” there’s still a strong element of chance/luck. Unless you know you have very solid connections and/or don’t need to do constitutional law to actually make a living (read: are willing to work for free or very little money), I’d pass.
anon
Depends on the appellate work. I know someone who went to a low-ranked, local law school and worked in the district attorney’s appeals office for a few years.
Same with teaching. I know someone who went to a state flagship university’s law school and wanted to teach. She knew she’d have a tough time on the academic market, so she got an LLM in tax from NYU. From there, she got a position as a VAP in tax law and went on the academic market as a tax professor. She got a tenure track position, and has made tenure, at a different state flagship university’s law school. But as a tax professor, not a con law professor.
I guess my advice would be to look widely at the type of jobs that are out there for lawyers that are not just Big Law and teaching con law. Try tapping your university network and looking at different lawyers’ career paths. There are more opportunities and different types of lawyer jobs than being an appellate lawyer at a prestigious firm or a con law professor.
Anonanonanon
Ha, I think I might know your tax prof friend! Or I know someone who did the same. She worked to figure out a good niche and way to get into academia and it worked.
Anonymous
Not something I wish I’d known, but the best thing I did when applying was meet with an admissions officer at my target school. Actually the Dean of Admissions who regularly met with prospective students. He literally told me exactly how to craft my application. I’d imagine you can web conference with nearly any of them right now, and it is so helpful. And they’ll make note that you took this initiative, and that is helpful.
What I wish I’d known – LSAT score matters a lot for scholarships. I didn’t get any based on my LSAT score, and I’m doing fine paying on my student loans. But apparently this is very much a thing.
Equestrian Attorney
+1 on LSAT scores. I had a solid GPA but good not great LSAT scores (165-170 range) and I really wish I had hit that `170+ mark. Also, pretty much every law student in my L1 class wanted to do constitutional law or something involving human rights (myself included). About 5 people out of the 200 in the class actually do that now, and they were the top-of-the-class-clerked-at-the-supreme-court type and I went to a highly ranked law school (I’m in Canada, but assume the US market is pretty similar in this respect). I like my job but it’s not at all what I expected to do when I decided to go to law school (I do M&A so I’m not exactly saving the world here, but actually find it intellectually stimulating and I like most of my clients). Consider how much debt you will be taking on – if you do get into constitutional law, it’s prestigious but generally not that well paid.
Anonymous
I think it’s important to think about cost and be realistic about plans. If there’s only one very specific thing you’re interested in, you probably shouldn’t go to law school. Take your specific interests as an example- con law, academia, appellate work. These are all, at the high end, extremely competitive jobs most people don’t get. Including me! I went to Michigan and graduated in the middle of my class. I didn’t get the important clerkships you need to move into academia and high profile appellate work. I took a job I could get in commercial lit. Ten years later, I actually practice a ton of constitutional law and do some appellate work in the context of an employment practice focused on public education. My counterparts on the employee labor side certainly practice constitutional law and handle appeals. And I’m paid perfectly decently but it’s not big fancy lawyer money.
Think about what kind of loans you’ll need, where geographically you’d like to practice, and whether you’re interested in being a lawyer in a broad way.
Anonymous
State and local government law (like: city attorney’s office) is where to go to actually do this outside of BigLaw. Zoning, sign regulations, parade permits, etc.
Anonymous
Yep 100% and I do this work and love it
anon
You have no idea what you *actually* want to do until you’ve been to law school and practiced for a few years.
BabyAssociate
The cliche answer to this question is “don’t go to law school”, which I generally agree with. You don’t say whether you’re right out of law school or not, but my classmates with prior work experience have done significantly better than those who went to law school straight from undergrad with little to no professional work experience. I would really think about what you actually want to do, constitutional law/academia/appellate work is pretty amorphous. If you’re unsure of what exactly you’d want to do, reach out to some lawyers in your existing network (or through your undergrad alumni association) to get a better idea of the options out there. Unless you’re going to law school on a full scholarship, I wouldn’t recommend going until you have a realistic idea of the career options that might interest you.
Jen
OP here. Really appreciate the pragmatism and candor in all your responses! I have six years of pretty solid work experience (Large firm, 60-70 hours per week, directly work with public company c level clients, manage a team, etc.) but have regretted not going to law school every day for the last six years. Though I’m most interested in those areas I listed, truth be told I think I’d be happy with most research-heavy areas of law. In any words, I’m not totally beholden to those areas listed. But law school is something I’ve known I’ve wanted to do for so long — I’m not just going to law school because I can’t think of anything else.
I’m in a position where I won’t have to take out loans so the financial aspect isn’t as big of a weight as it could be, which I feel very fortunate about.
Also I had no idea it was appropriate to reach out directly to deans. That’s a great opportunity.
Cat
What about your current job makes you think you want to be a lawyer and have these regrets?
If you like the social aspects of your role (given you mentioned PR above and extensive interaction with coworkers), that’s hard to reconcile with an interest in research-heavy legal roles.
cbackson
OP, definitely consider the opportunity cost of 3 years out of the workforce, not just the tuition cost. I’m the rare person who went to law school because she didn’t know what else to do and it *was* actually a good decision for me – I’ve been very, very happy as a lawyer – but if I were already working in a “real” job, it would have been a tougher decision.
Also, I will say this – I got into a top-five school with the same LSAT score as you have (although I had a perfect undergrad GPA from a highly ranked undergrad and this was almost 15 years ago). I was until recently on the alumni board of my law school, and what we’ve seen is that demand for law school spots has dropped – fewer students have been applying and thus it’s been easier to get in. Definitely seek out the most updated information on who’s getting admitted to the schools that you’re interested in, because you might have a shot at higher-tier schools.
If it’s the case that lower half of the T14 is realistic for you, I would strongly prioritize schools in the geographic area where you want to practice – that bracket of schools is a bit tough because they still cost a lot, there will be a ton of talented students (so it’s no sure thing that you’ll be at the top of the class), and scholarships are hard to get, but the degree isn’t as geographically portable. Focusing on the city/state where you want to end up is a good idea.
Anonymous
I agree so much with this.
If you don’t want to work in X, don’t go to law school near X (usual caveat: outside of H or Y; S is still a west-coast school for recruiting purposes, especially if you want to be in a “smaller” city like CLT or Pittsburgh or Nashville or Philly or anywhere in Texas). Recruiting in law firms or for law jobs is basically a 100-200 mile radius around that city, if the radius is even that big, or large enough to field a reasonable amount of applicants already in the area, who will likely sit for the relevant bar exam, who won’t up and leave for a bigger city for better dating prospects.
Anon
Think about where you want to live and the alumni network of that school/what they’re doing. If you want to live/already live in DC, for example, consider schools here (outside of rank), the programs it has, and where the alumni go. This was a few years ago but when I was in law school, I had a friend who went to American University Law who was interviewing in Big Law in DC. The interviewer mentioned an incorrect ranking of American’s law school. And not to say it isn’t a great school, but in clusters of “well known” schools, you can weigh options outside of rank alone.
I also have a lot of friends who went to Ohio State’s law school, and their largest alumni network happens to be DC.
Ms B
Unless you are going to H/Y/S, go to law school where you want to live. It will not seem like it at the time, but law school has a huge networking component. Deans often were in local Biglaw, adjuncts practice in the local courts, and local judges often hire their externship as clerks – plus your classmates will be an invaluable resource.
Anon
This times one million. I went to a poorly ranked school in a small state, and have had no problem getting a job in my market because of the location. I would have had trouble in other states before I had some practice under my belt (and would still be excluded from a lot of the jobs you cited in your OP). You don’t say where you are, but if you are in or want to be in a smaller market, you actually can get some jobs that you list in smaller cities. Will you ever work for the ACLU? Probably not. Very unlikely you’d be able to teach other than in a clinic or as an adjunct, either. But I actually have many friends who went to my law school who are career clerks for state and federal judges, and other friends who regularly deal with constitutional issues (federal public defenders, working in municipal government, etc.).
Anonymous
I wish I knew 1) what lawyers do (like, the day to day), and had met with lawyers for coffee/lunch before going; 2) you should go for free, if you can at all, but check the requirements – my school purposely grouped scholarship students in a way that resulted in half of us losing scholarship funds – our scholarships were contingent on remaining at a certain GPA, but the classes were stacked; 3) that law school is a helluva lot like high school, and it’s worth it to be careful and watch your criminal record (seriously); and 4) that your GPA in law school matters. A LOT. Way more than undergrad GPA. Take a course, spend the thousand bucks, to learn how to pass tests in law school. I didn’t. I regret it. I graduated in the top third, first lawyer in my family, but fought like heck to get those grades after loss of my scholarship in year 2. I got a good job but no BigLaw, I think because of grades and my lack of legal work knowledge. I understand academia is even more GPA heavy than BigLaw/others.
Anon
What kind of course would you recommend to learn how to pass tests in law school? Are there courses geared to help with law school testing and if so, what are they?
Anon
Seconding everyone who says you need HYS for those jobs. I went to one of those schools and while many of my classmates are now tenures professors, 15 years out, it was a tough road for almost of them who weren’t SCOTUS clerks. I myself almost became a fed government appellate lawyer but decided I liked trial work better. Think carefully about what other legal jobs you’d enjoy if you can’t go into one of the areas you mentioned.
Anon
I was a similar candidate: I had a similarly low GPA and an LSAT score in the mid-170s and went to a lower T-14. With your goals, academia aside (which is probably a reach), you’ll want to get great grades and a clerkship. A clerkship can lead to DOJ honors, interesting nonprofits, etc. I was lucky enough to get a COA clerkship and those types of outcomes, so I guess I first want to say it’s possible. I feel really lucky that I’ve had better opportunities than I could have imagined going into law school.
But I also want to say that, if you are attending a lower T-14, it’s important to be okay with landing at a law firm for at least some time. Biglaw is kind of the path of least resistance, and as an associate, you are unlikely to work on constitutional litigation or appellate work (except maybe in some pro bono stuff). I was weirdly good at law school exams, but I was the only one of my friend group who landed a COA clerkship. This allowed me to get a job I found more interesting, as opposed to returning to the firm I was a summer associate at. But most of my friends landed at big firms (good news: usually in the practice area and city they wanted). Firm work the most typical outcome for the first handful of years out of law school, so it’s good to be okay with that.
My advice is to build professor relationships early: work as an RA, go to office hours sometimes, etc. Good professor relationships go a long way on the clerkship hiring market.
Anon
I wish I had known that going back to school after working for more than 2 years (I went back in my mid-thirties after being a senior corporate transactional paralegal) would be quite hard–I didn’t have the same stamina (or Adderall hookups) that my 22 year-old classmates had. Law school studying seemed dumb after “practicing” as a paralegal–I had lots of information at my fingertips and knew how to actually work in tippy-top law firms, and so having to memorize a lot of silly stuff was frustrating, and an adjustment. I treated law school like a job, but my “memorization” muscle memory was not as strong as my younger classmates who had gone straight through. I just looked at law school as a means to an end–I was jumping through hoops to get to where I wanted to go.
I would read Law School Confidential and Montauk’s How to Get into Top Schools book.
Your GPA is not a debacle if you had a harder major or went to a top school. I had a lower GPA in a quant-heavy major from Stanford. It was “forgiven” at a lot of schools due to my work experience and LSAT score.
I highly suggest that you apply to some “safety” schools in the geographies you want (so instead of Harvard–>BU, instead of Columbia–>Fordham, etc) because you could get a half ride or more, and you’d probably be at the top of your class (not guaranteed, but more likely). I had a really good scholarship from WashU, but one of my partners shut the door to my office, and yelled–Don’t go there if you don’t want to live in the MidWest. He was mostly right–I rarely run into WashU grads on either coast in tech work nowadays.
I would fantasize about all the places I wanted to travel during breaks, because that was an amazing perk of all the free time during breaks! Make a list! Hopefully the world will be better by then. GL!!!
Anonymous
I’m getting promoted from a salary role to a commission only role at the end of November. I’m terrified about income – my sales are good, even during the pandemic, but the “you never know” and current economic projections are scaring me. How can I get more comfortable? I’m going to try to save half my take home pay the next few months to build my nest, and maybe drag a few sales out so I earn commission after I my promotion, but I’m anxious. Looking for advice or books or blogs!
Nelly Yuki
Can someone please remind me of the Target sheets that everyone likes, and let me know if the fitted sheet has deep pockets? Thank you!
anon
Threshold brand, and yes, the pockets are deep. My mattress is thick and these sheets fit just fine.
Silly Valley
Yes, the Threshold performance sheets, I believe the 400 thread count ones – they’re the ones Wirecutter recommends.
Anonymous
The Fieldcrest deep pocket sheets.
Anonymous in Texas
Hi Ladies, I wanted to give you all an update because you really helped me out a lot. I was struggling with whether to keep a family beach vacation in light of the rapid rise of COVID-19 cases in my state. My sister died in January and we planned a week at the beach with my entire family in July – we booked it before the pandemic. I was just about to cancel the trip when I posted on this site asking for advice and many of you commented that my family really needed this tine together (especially the Original Scarlet). I was worried b/c it was basically 12 people coming together for a week – not sure what each had been doing or exposed to. Anyway, we decided to keep the week at the beach and we all took the necessary precautions – and we had a wonderful time! Many times each of us commented during that week how glad we were that we didn’t cancel. It’s now been 2 weeks since the trip ended and we’re all still healthy, so what we did worked and we had a great time and remembered my sister. I’m not sure why it took a group of strangers to help me make my decision – but it did and I’m grateful to you. Thanks!
Marie
Thank you so much for posting this update. It’s such a reminder of the positive impact this community can have when it wants to be supportive. I was thinking of you a couple of weeks ago, and hoping everything went well if you went and that it was healing for you and family. Continuing to send you warm thoughts as you remember your sister.
Just me
Ditto!
The original Scarlett
I am so so happy to hear this update. Sending so much love to you and your family – what a hard time and I’m so glad you got to be together
Cat
So glad to hear it!
Vicky Austin
That’s wonderful!
Airplane.
I’m very glad to hear that. Glad you got to have that crucial family time. Grief during covid is really rough.
Senior Attorney
Thanks for the update and I’m so happy it worked out for you!
Anon Probate Atty
Happy to hear that you did this, and it worked out!
Anonymous
I had a wonderful date last night, the kind where you get home and feel all the emotions of an old school Taylor Swift song. After two years of not having a single even half way decent date it felt amazing. Fingers crossed for a second!
anon
Yay!!! That’s such an awesome feeling.
American Girl
That sounds lovely! Good luck!
Marie
So happy for you! What TSwift song are we channeling this morning?
Anonymous
Enchanted!
Anon
Cheering for you! I hope it works out and send us single gals some of your good vibes! Hugs.
Amber
So happy for you!
Ellen
Good for you! That is, YAY, but don’t leave us hanging! What did you two do? Where did you go? Did you keep social distacing? Do you envison a future with this guy or are you thinking this could be a physical only thing? Do you envision doing the horizonal hora with this guy? Inquiring millenials like me need to know these thing’s!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!!
Run
Second running shoe advice (Saucony Kinvera work for me) and Peloton. I’ve run off and on over the years but the Peloton app is great, particularly if you already have a treadmill. It’s ~$12/month and they have endurance and speed programs. The soundtrack and trainers are great! Running had always felt like a chore but this has kept it more fun and more intense than I would just hitting the road.
Run
Threading fail
Congrats on the great date!
Anon who wants to become a runner
I’m the poster who posted about running yesterday! I apologize for my vagueness. I’ve never thought about all the factors that would go into “making me a runner”! My main gripe is distance and fatigue. I can barely get to a half a mile. I would describe myself as pretty in shape…but my endurance with running just isn’t there. I want to be that person who kills an 8 mile run…not so much worried about time! ALL this to say, it was suggested that I slow down my pace and I tried that on a treadmill yesterday. It really made a difference! I’m going to keep playing around with that, and it was helpful to hear guided programs work well. Also, I like my current tennis shoes but they definitely aren’t running shoes. I need new ones anyway, but I don’t want to spend the money on running-only shoes. Any good recs for multipurpose workout shoes?
anon
OK, first of all, just spend the money on running shoes. Running doesn’t require much special equipment unless you really want to — but shoes are the exception. Be kind to your joints and just buy some running shoes.
Second of all, definitely go slower than you think you need to, and use a guided program to build up your endurance. This is a process that takes months, not days or weeks. Plan to run 3 days a week. Less isn’t enough, and more is going to be stressful for your body.
Vacationland
Agree with this. If you get into running, it’s worth having dedicated shoes so they last longer. If you don’t, then you can just use the running shoes as regular sneakers, rather than trying to use sneakers as running shoes.
ArenKay
This. Tennis shoes are NOT designed for distance running, but for short sprints and wild changes of direction on a court. Don’t wear them to run! Mask up, go to a running store, and let an experienced staffer observe your gait. Your feet will thank you!
Anon who wants to become a runner
OP here! Thank you! I needed the push from someone who knows better than myself. Updated question then: brands of running specific shoes that you all like?
CountC
I strongly recommend you go to a brick and mortar running shoe store (a dedicated running store like Fleet Feet, not Foot Locker) and have them analyse your gait and pronation and all of that so you get a shoe that’s fitted to YOU. Doesn’t matter that my favorite is Altras because you may hate them and they may give you hot spots or whatever. It’s important to get fitted by someone who has a clue and not order any old brand that the rest of us like on the internet. Good running shoes are not cheap, as you know, and you want the right pair the first time!
Also yes, slowing down will make a huge difference – you should be able to carry on a conversation while at your regular training pace (in theory, I can’t because of asthma but you get the idea).
anon
This. All of this. Definitely a running specific store.
OP, buying “expensive” running shoes now will save you from either quitting altogether because your feet hurt or damaging your feet.
Anon
What is your shoe size and foot type? Running shoes vary a lot my width. I have wide feet and have enjoyed Brooks.
Your best bet is to go to a running store and be fit for the proper shoe. This sounds potentially intimidating, but they fit shoes for even beginner runners, so it’s totally worth it! where are you located? We could recommend favorite stores depending on your location. (Boston > Marathon Sports!).
Anon
Marathon runner and Ironman athlete here :)
I didn’t see your original post, but:
1) if you run, you are a runner!
2) just keep up and endurance will come. If I’m focusing on 5k and doing a lot of speed work, I don’t have near the endurance that I do while marathon training. Marathon and Ironman training I have a lot of long and slow miles. My point is if your main goal is endurance, just slow down. When I first started working with my current coach I was getting so frustrated with how slow and easy he was making me do my long runs! But ultimately I realized he was right because those long slow easy days have allowed me to get my mileage up, which is so important for building endurance.
Sarabeth
Not sure if this was mentioned yesterday, but I really like the Peloton app’s outdoor running workouts. They have them at multiple levels, including some for walking. I’ve run off and on for years, and I’ve been surprised how much more motivated I am when I use the Peloton tracks. If you like Couch to 5k or similar workouts, I think they’d make a good transition once you work through one of those programs.
Monte
You need true running shoes. It is the only real piece of gear a runner needs, other than a decent sports bra, and it is worth it to find the right ones — the downsides (pain, injury) are not worth it.
When I am feeling annoyed at the cost of running shoes, I buy last year’s generation. The big brands roll out new shoes every year, so instead of buying the Asics DS Trainer 25 (my shoe of choice), I will get the 24s on sale. I wouldn’t buy 6 year old shoes because the tech changes and the materials break down over time, but buying shoes that are 6 months old can save you $50 or $70.
anon
Yes, buy the running shoes. Ideally you would go to a running store and have them watch you run with various pairs of shoes on to determine if they fit you right, and to feel out if you like the brand/style/size. If you’re in a safer location, I recommend that. A “good” pair is probably $100-150 and is well worth it.
Anon
Also…. treadmill runs suck!! I’m a “Ha! I’m not a runner!”-runner who does a steady 10-12 min pace on most any jog I go on, and usually the upper end of it. I was one of the people who told you to slow down yesterday. But I promise a run on the street is SO MUCH BETTER than any run on a treadmill, from start to finish. Consider stepping outside and giving it a try there!
PS: Go get running shoes. 100% worth it, and your knees and shins will than you.
Anon
If you want to run an 8 mile run, you need running shoes.
Anonymous
1000%. You need to get fitted for running shoes that work for you and take into account your foot shape and stride. It may not be the pair that works for someone else.
Run
Second running shoe advice (Saucony Kinvera work for me) and Peloton. I’ve run off and on over the years but the Peloton app is great, particularly if you already have a treadmill. It’s ~$12/month and they have endurance and speed programs. The soundtrack and trainers are great! Running had always felt like a chore but this has kept it more fun and more intense than I would just hitting the road.
Anon
Everyone else has covered the running shoes but I want to add, don’t increase your distance too quickly. I had a different problem than you. I had the cardio endurance to run long distance but I hadn’t been working out enough so my muscles, joints and tendons weren’t up to the strain I was putting on them.
I went from running two miles at a time to six miles and now I have patella tendinitis (AKA runner’s knee) and I’m benched until I graduate physical therapy that I can’t even get into right now. I can still do long walks thankfully.
Don’t be me and make sure you GRADUALLY increase your distance.
I learned the hard way there is a big difference between 29 and 39.
Anon
+1 for the Saucony Kinvaras.. LOVE those shoes. Though I will say they’re pretty “controversial” in that they’re very minimalist. They probably wouldn’t work for a heavier set runner or someone unwilling to change them every 200-300 miles (whereas other shoes will be good for 400+). They feature a really low stack height (under 4mm) which a lot of people can’t take without calf/shin pain. I love low stack but I think that’s very much personal preference. If you want something with more cushion, Hokas are extremely popular. At the end of the day though the only way to find appropriate shoes is by going to a specialty running store and letting them watch you run and examine your feet.
Also +1 for increasing mileage moderately. A good rule of thumb is no more than 10% increase per week when looking at total lweekly mileage. If you’re doing less than 20 miles/week you could probably do a little higher than that though.
Also maybe try cross training to supplement your running. Cycling or elliptical is a great way to build endurance and lets you get aerobic volume in without the impact.
anon
How do you stay motivated while working from home? Because my motivation is just zapped, and IDGAF to the point where it’s going to become detrimental to me. My job was super busy when covid hit. Now it’s thankfully just “regular busy” but I have zero drive to try anything new and just want to go on autopilot as much as possible. Not sure if this is a WFH problem or a pandemic fatigue problem, but everything feels futile and like it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Anon
I’m in the same boat
Anonymous
I took a vacation and it really helped. Maybe you need some time off?
anon
I have taken a day off here and there. It’s … fine? But I’m not traveling right now, so it doesn’t feel like a huge departure from the norm. Like I enjoy the time off and doing my own thing, but it’s not really renewing me at the moment. :(
Equestrian Attorney
I think you need to take more than a day. I took a full week off and I really helped – I was burnt out and hadn’t realized.
anon
I’ve cheerfully been doing the bare minimum. Guess what? Turns out most things don’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve had absolutely zero repercussions in the four months I’ve been on autopilot. No one- not my boss, not my colleagues, not my clients- has noticed or cared. I know this forum is for “overachieving chicks” but it turns out the results are pretty much the same whether you’re overachieving or just achieving.
anon
Yep this is me too. I actually just got a raise despite coasting since March.
Anon
Same, but I am in government and I imagine my coasting approach would not work if I were still in biglaw.
Anon
This is me also. I have discovered that I am not a good candidate for full-time WFH because like a cloistered nun suddenly released into a world without the rigid structure of the convent who finds herself adrift and at loose ends, I am not doing well without a daily routine that involves leaving my house to go to work. I realize some people thrive on this FT WFH thing and that’s great but it sucks for me. When I had to go to work every day I chafed at the restrictions that created on my time, but it turns out without those restrictions I am basically ambitionless and would be content to just coast along indefinitely, sneakily reading novels instead of paying attention during conference calls. My work is in no hurry to bring us back so I will be coping with this for some time. I have done the recommended things around trying to create separations between work and personal life, creating a morning routine that signals “it’s time to work and work is separate from my personal life,” etc. Nothing has worked so far. So, I am doing the minimum to keep my projects moving along and outwardly displaying a good attitude and helping coworkers where I can and that will have to be good enough. I am not anticipating a raise or promotion any time soon, and actually hope to God the latter does not happen because I couldn’t handle it if it did.
JB
+1
Anon
I’m so fried I’ve been really wanting to try a sensory deprivation tank, which is funny because 3 weeks ago that would have sounded like the worst way to spend an hour. I’ve gotten it in my mind that this is the way to cure my burnout but I don’t think it’s wise given covid.
Any covid friendly alternative ideas to this?
Anonymous
Headspace
Anonymous
Nature bath. Find a place where you can be alone with the sounds of nature. Lay down a blanket. And just listed.
Anonymous
If I wanted to do this, I would take a bath in my guest bathroom at night, close the door, close the blinds (and turn off my backyard outside light; could also put on a sleep mask), close the shower curtain, use ear plugs with white noise. I do live alone. I’ve never done a sensory deprivation tank, but feel like this would give some of the experience.
anonshmanon
I’d be worried about falling asleep in the tub – or is that less likely than I imagine?
Carrie
So…. you fall asleep.
Worst case scenario you slide into the water, which would wake you up immediately.
But so unlikely to happen.
Am I the only person who finds bathtubs so uncomfortable I can’t imagine lounging in one?
Anonymous
Maybe I’m the outlier, but I kinda feel like a sensory deprivation tank is Covid-friendly. You’re all alone after the initial check in. What am I missing?
Vacationland
I need something to look forward to, so I’m trying to plan a vacation for November, which is the soonest that I can take time off from work. I’ll be driving from the DC area with my partner and two kids (ages 4 and 6). We usually either go camping or fly somewhere for our big family trips, so this is a new genre of vacation for me, and I don’t have a good handle on the options. Obviously, aiming for something maximally covid-safe, since I have zero confidence that the pandemic will be under control by then.
Where would you go? What would you do? My life is a mess right now, because of the pandemic as well as a whole set of other stuff. I need to daydream, if nothing else.
Anon
Why not go camping? Seems like the perfect COVID activity!
Peanut
Camping in November??? From DC? No way.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I dunno man, very few states seem “safe” right now, and some of the northeast states that are seeing low(ish) transmission rates are requiring a 2-week quarantine if you visit, I doubt a lot of that will change between now and then. Maybe check out some areas in upstate NY or New Hampshire? North Conway might be nice. But those areas are a long drive from DC.
Find a place where you can rent a cabin and do a lot of hiking, and bring as much food as you can so you’re not running a lot of errands there. Bonus points if you can find a cabin that’s still reasonably close to restaurants that are doing takeout so you don’t have to cook every night.
Anonymous
NY requires people from MD, DC, and VA to do a 2 week quarantine.
Anon
NH requires a quarantine for people coming from outside of New England but you may quarantine at home before arriving in NH instead. The downside to this is I really don’t understand how the quarantine is enforceable if they are just taking people at their word. Their quarantine is also fairly loose. It still allows you to leave the house for essential services like food shopping and going to the pharmacy.
Anon
depends on what you would like to do on said vacation and how far you want to drive. i’d consider maybe north carolina area or tennessee, with a more temperate climate, you could go hiking, etc. still that time of year.
Anon
Rent a cabin somewhere in New England or the Smokies?
anon a mouse
Consider renting a house near Asheville/eastern Smoky Mountains. There’s good hiking there and the weather should still be decent enough in November. And you can drive there in a day. You can take a lot with you in the car and minimize contact with the rest of the world. Take board games, cards, soccer balls, etc.
Anon
Asheville/Smoky Mountains!
PNW
I had to cancel an April trip to the Asheville area and I really hope to reschedule it. Never been and it looks amazing.
Anonymous
FWIW, Asheville is a known anti-vaxxer area (like they had a measles outbreak a few years ago along with NYC and some other places). This makes me mad b/c it’s a short drive for me and it is pretty and about 10 degrees cooler in the summer, but I am less likely to go back there post-COVID-vaccine unless it looks like Asheville is really going to get its head on straight this time re vaccines. If I were just going hiking, fine. But the breweries and random roaming around the city are great except for at times like these. :( It’s such a great place otherwise.
Layla
I would go camping or rent a cabin. I’d stick to something in your own state or a neighboring state, and not the Northeast unless you can quarantine for 14 days. Here in MA there is already talk of potentially going back to a more restrictive phase to curb rising Covid cases, so I’m anticipating more and more regional travel/quarantine restrictions.
Peanut
How about a Chesapeake Bay Resort? Not as pretty in November but long walks on shore, some hikes. Fire place is a requirement, s’mores, wine and beer in the afternoon. Popcorn and family movie night. Family gourmet dinners in or at restaurant if covid is better. Low stress. Perhaps hurricane season will be light or over by then. https://www.visitmaryland.org/list/chesapeake-bay-resorts
tesyaa
A family member is interested in doing a Didactic Program in Dietetics. The requirements seem confusing and differ markedly from program to program. She might need to take a few additional undergraduate requirements (already has a BA in an unrelated field, but has already taken basic biology and chem courses). Has anyone done this/knows anyone who has done this?
Cushion for window seat
Does anyone have good etsy or other recommendations for someone to make a cushion / cover for a window seat? I figure, everyone is letting people send measurements in for this sort of project (vs a local person coming out to measure, if that was ever a thing). But places that you’ve used that do a good job finishing items (corded seams, zippers that work so that you can clean the cover), nice fabrics that hold up (IDK what a nice fabric for this is, but someone who does this daily probably has feelings about different materials, esp. in a house with kids who are pining for a dog these days).
THANK YOU!
The original Scarlett
Cathys custom pillows on Etsy – I’ve had a ton of things made by her and the quality and fabrics are great
Jules
I couldn’t find this shop on Etsy – do you have a link?
The original Scarlett
Sure – looks like I got the name wrong, sorry for the chase
https://www.etsy.com/shop/Cathyscustomcurtains
ANON
I’ve used this woman: https://shaker.life/people/work-live-shaker/janet-basnett/
Anonymous
we found a local upholster-y business and gave them the measurements, the type of cushion we wanted, and then just picked it up. they didn’t have to step foot into our home.
Anon
Favorite foul weather biking gear? Biked to work today during the tropical storm and I’m now wet and cold (the biking itself went well, just wet at work)
Hoping to bike during all weather (if I can bike to work during a tropical storm and last week’s heat waves, I can bike to work during anything – snow, rain, wind, heat, etc). After all – there’s no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing.
I just started biking to work a month ago so assume i know nothing!
Cat
If you’re really committed, you can buy the pants equivalent of a raincoat… There is a lot of specialty all weather bike gear out there… everything from gloves to literally insulated mitten-style things you can put over your sneakers for warmth.
For winter in particular – it can get tough to bike safely. It’ll be dark for the commute, so even if it’s warm enough for precipitation to be rain rather than snow, it’s harder to be careful in traffic… and if cold, hard to see lingering ice. Snow is hard to turn in. But staying warm is possible :)
cbackson
Shoe covers and waterproof bar mits are critical if you’re going to be riding in cold wet weather. Also, get a waterproof bike bag or backpack (Ortlieb makes great ones) and keep your work clothes in that so you’re not riding in them.
Anon
A good dry bag to carry your change of clothes. I’m in Florida. When I cycle in a rainstorm, I just accept the fact that I’m going to be drenched. Be sure you have a good blinky-light. Motorists aren’t the most observant in the best of weather, let alone in the rain.
If all you normally deal with is drizzle/wet roads, fenders on your bike can really help (no rooster tail!)
One of these days I’ll invest in a shoe dryer so that my cycling shoes aren’t still damp the next day.
Coach Laura
I have a pair of waterproof/resistant pants from REI. Scuba type fabric on front, stretchy on back. I’ve worn them commuting for years and never got wet. Wore leggings or tights under them in weather to 30 degrees in the winter, so they’re cold weather useful too – very warm. They have many at REI in petite, tall, plus. In the summer, I just figure my legs will get wet.
On top, I wear a Pearl Izumi water resistant jacket (that has zip off sleeves) all year long. It is almost 10 years old but looks new. Women’s ELITE Escape Convertible Jacket by Pearl Izumi also from REI. They still sell it
In the rain in the fall and winter I wear a wicking long sleeve T against the skin with a 1/4 zip polar-tech on top of that and the jacket on top. If it’s 30 degrees I may wear another layer. In the rain, polartech doesn’t absorb water and keeps its warmth even if damp but I’ve not gotten wet with that combo.
Anonymous
Our law firm’s HR manager made a comment to me in the hall that makes me think the firm is monitoring all website searches/activity while people are working remote. The comment was about whether I liked my new desk chair – which I bought online last month, but haven’t told anyone about. She also said something about how a paralegal plays games online all day. I’m an associate and login remotely from home (and admittedly buy stuff on Amazon/etc. during the day, but I’m hitting my billable targets for this quarter). Is this legal? I checked the handbook and the only thing in there is the firm can monitor their equipment and communications systems. There are no warnings or disclaimers when we log in every day, either. I’m using my equipment, although maybe if I’m in their software it’s “their” internet? I’m less worried about what they’ve seen me search and more like, wtf. Can they do this?
Anon
Yes of course it’s legal and yes of course if you’re logged in to their remote system they can monitor it. Use a non-logged in window for browsing if this bothers you. (
Cat
Yup. *closes this s-te on work laptop and picks up phone since I’m all over this thread today
Anon
By the way, HR might not care at all if you are doing well meeting expectations (and if you are not browsing p*rn or the like). I would just be wary that I don’t want them knowing what I’m browsing. I had junior person on my team who got into hot water a few times with HR, and it had nothing to do with his internet use (and I know he was using the internet a lot for personal stuff.) He had some other very problematic behaviors and actions that eventually contributed to his dismissal.
Anonymous
If you are working from home, how did the HR manager make a comment to you in the hallway?
OP
I stopped in for some hard copy files. :)
Anonymous
Of course it is legal. It’s weird to be making conversation about it. Don’t do stuff through your remote log in you don’t want your boss to see
Anon
Always do your personal browsing on your own devices and internet connection. Anything going through the VPN or the corporate network is going to be monitored by your company (and it should be if they are at all competent). It is weird for a manager to sit there viewing activity and talking about it. They must be bored.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Legal, yes, but not great from a management standpoint. They should only be digging into people’s browsing activity if they seem significantly less productive than usual, or submitting shoddy work, or missing deadlines. If they’re monitoring people’s usage all the time, regardless of their current performance, that’s not great.
Is it possible to have two laptops running at once? One for work and another for more personal stuff, like shopping, and forums like this one?
op
Follow up question – I have one computer, but display my firm remote system on one monitor and display my own Chrome windows (outside the remote system) up on the other monitor. Can the firm monitor what I’m doing on both monitors? (not sure if this makes sense. Do they have access to my entire personal computer, any time I’m logged in to their remote system)?
CountC
Yes. They have full access. Monitors don’t do anything but display what your computer is telling them to. Monitor B is part of the system they can access if you are logged in and can also likely get browser history from when you aren’t. (I an not an IT pro but I know that my company can see/access anything I do at any time on their equipment or their network).
CountC
On second thought, maybe ignore me? Forget I said anything and let the IT folks weigh in. Oye.
My approach is do anything I don’t want them to see on my phone while not connected to company wifi.
Anon
I asked the IT professional who is sitting next to me, my husband.
If you open your Remote Desktop/VPN on your personal computer and it is in one window, and say you also open a browser on your same personal machine in a separate window, no, they can’t see that. If you open a browser from within the remote connection /VPN, then yes they can see that.
This assumes you are using your equipment and not theirs.
Moving in together
My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together in September, which I’m so excited about. We have already been spending 3-4 days a week living together during covid, but I’m so excited about taking this next step. I know things are going to be different once we officially live together and are basically spending 24/7 together since we both wfh right now, but I think it will be great.
Any advice about taking this step? Things we should discuss? We have discussed what this means for our relationship, finances, and chores. What other things should we discuss? Any recommendations for books to read about what to discuss to make sure we are on the same page or tot ought about things we may not have come up with on our own?
Anonymous
Is he going to put you on the lease? If not, you are a guest and don’t have a legal right to be there (very important if you break up or things go south). But also for: if you lock yourself out and he is away, no one can let you in a place where you aren’t a tenant and aren’t an owner. You may not be eligible to register to vote there without being on a lease and having some bill coming to you at that address. You may not be able to register your car or qualify for some tuition discounts at local schools. Or get a parking permit if you street park.
Anon
Wait, did she say she’s moving in to his place? I’m not reading that.
Anonymous
At any rate, get on the lease. And make sure you can afford the rent solo if you should break up or one of you loses a job.
anon a mouse
Are you generally on the same page re: tidiness? Not just who does which chores, but do you have the same acceptable level of mess? Are you both okay if there are dishes left in the sink overnight, or if laundry goes unfolded for a few days, or if the bathroom isn’t cleaned weekly? That sort of thing, which seems like small potatoes but can fester if you don’t just make sure you are in alignment.
PNW
Do you have the same expectations on spending time apart, but in the house? If you just go off and read in the bedroom, will that seem weird to him, or like it needs an explanation? What about sitting on the couch doing separate things – are you someone who will be frustrated if the other person wants to be on their laptop instead of watching the show with you? Mismatch on this kind of stuff can cause friction.
Anon
+1. My boyfriend does not like “parallel play,” i.e., where we sit in the same room together and engage in different activities. It caused considerable friction when we moved in together because I am an introvert who enjoys solo activities.
Anon
Outside of the issues that come with being somebody’s roommate, have you guys talked about the future of your relationship and where this fits in? You probably want to make sure you’re on the same page about that. It would be a bummer if one of you was thinking living together is a definite step towards marriage and the other had never thought that far, for example.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I’m excited!
I was laid off in April, and usually my job searches gain traction very quickly, but this one (unsurprisingly, but frustrating nonetheless) has been mainly applications for months, with very few first-round phone screens. But today, I’m in the 3rd round of the interview process for a very promising role; I had one chat this morning and I have my second early this afternoon. If it goes well and both people like me, I think there’ll only be one more person to talk to before the offer stage. I know nothing is ever guaranteed and I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but it would be really awesome to have a job again!
Vicky Austin
Good thoughts!!!
Airplane.
All the best luck!
PNW
Break a leg! Sounds promising.
Senior Attorney
You got this! Good luck!
Alexis
Y’all, I just got a job offer and I’m thinking of leaving my current job. Honestly, my coworkers at this current job and I have not gotten along great, but we’re in the weird position where basically they had to change a lot of things due to COVID and I was spearheading that. It’s basically all transitioned over and set up now in the new way. When I leave I can write a lot of documentation and transition documents, and they’re hiring some other technical help so in reality they will be fine. However, a lot of my current coworkers are the type to overreact over things, or to care more about credit than things actually getting done – you can tell there’s a cultural mismatch here.
The thing is they are liable to take it very, very badly. If they take it badly that’ll just be another instance of them acting in an unprofessional way, so I can’t bring myself to care that much.
Any tips? Suggestions? Support?
anon
I would be so excited to leave a workplace like what you described. And if they throw a fit, who cares? You’ll be gone soon enough! Congrats on the offer!
Anon
Piggybacking off of the post above about law school. Does the industry view those going to law school part time any differently than those going full time? Are you considered more “committed” if you went full time or does it not matter? It seems that part time could be a gold compromise for staying in the work force. FWIW, I’m referring to part time law programs in the DC area.
BabyAssociate
I’m in DC and few of my current colleagues did law school part time while working and it was definitely a good decision for them. We interviewed a bunch of junior associates recently and I can say it absolutely did not matter if you went full time or not, relevant experience matters more. I will say that I think these program are pretty common in DC, but less so elsewhere.
Anonymous
I think it could work if you have a McJob (where any law job might be better than your McJob) or a job that has flexibility and an understanding boss. I know a guy who was a legal assistant at BigLaw who did it and someone who worked for the federal govt. But if you don’t have a McJob, your job could make it hard to do Top10 in law school (which you need) or do things like law review or do the networking things that matter. Also, PT kids seem to miss a lot of good summer jobs (b/c their year to summer in BigLaw is the summer before their 4th PT year) and many day jobs aren’t going to let you take a summer off (much less 2 or 3 summers). I think a lot depends on what your day job is.
FWIW, I did a tax LLM at night while clerking. It was a slog. It really made me hate everything about school (I loved working though, especially the paycheck). I had a judge who was on board with that and also the feet-to-fire things of knowing I’d be on the market again when my clerkship ended.
Anonymous
What is “Top10”? I graduated 10 years ago I’ve never heard of this.
Anonymous
My guess is that a lot of law firms hire seriously from the top 10% of the class / law review / moot court winners. Outside of HYS, your rank matters. Law schools can make firms talk to people outside of the top 10%, but firms make hiring decisions. Even if you are at Georgetown, the classes are huge and you being in the top half is great, but so are ~250 other kids all competing for the same jobs.
At one school, my firm only hires from the top 5% of the class, which is rotten for them to say and certainly not advertised by the firm or that law school (if they even know; maybe they don’t).
Anonymous
I went to GW, started PT but lost my job after a year and finished in the FT program. PT is really, really hard. You really say goodbye to any social life for the entire time, and be sure you have a job where it’s ok to be out of pocket starting at 530 pm.
My usual schedule four days a week was: Get to work by 8, read for school 8-9, work 9-530, get to class, class 6-9. Most of weekends were spent reading and studying. Summers meant summer classes to try to reduce semester workload. And only my legal writing class was exclusively with other PT students; other classes were blended PT-FT, so you were grade competing with FT students. I didn’t do journal or mock trial, and luckily didn’t have a job that required work outside of 9-530.
Anonymous
To add: one big benefit of PT is you don’t need loans to cover COL.
Anon
I went to law school part time (not in DC) and it was not a hindrance, but I think that’s mostly because I had a very flexible day job that I actually quit after the first year of school and then just worked part time for different judges and law firms each semester and summer, so I had a large network by the time I graduated. I also graduated in the top 10 in my class, including the full time students, so that helped. I have a friend who was also ranked in the top 10 and who went to school part time but who was unable to find a good law job in our city after graduation because he had not been able to work at law firms or network like I had been able to. He just kept his IT job, and he’s killing that now, making more than I make as a lawyer.
Is this deception or just privacy?
After growing up with almost nothing, I am really careful with money. I’m a money squirreler. My income is typically around 50k/year, with some higher and some lower by about 20%.
When asked about fancy items or gifts, I may say I can’t afford it or it’s not in my budget which for me means it’s not a high enough priority to adjust my budget around it. I also don’t own a lot because I am a minimalist who moves often so I think about my value on things and needing to move it, sell it, or donate it before making any purchase. As a result, sometimes people think I’m broke. I was recently told by a pal about her feeling misled and lied to that her brother would tell her things are not in budget for years and she found out he has $50k in the bank. Should I change my wording because I don’t want to mislead others or is my bank balance and what I consider in or out of budget just no one’s business?
(If it matters as well, I’m late 30s, I am careful about who knows if I ever get a bonus or pick up some side work out of thought that they may think I can suddenly afford things I can’t or the like. I don’t borrow money or dress in rags or something, but as a single person without kids but also without family support or a future inheritance, I certainly don’t splurge the way some friends do or feel as financially supported by others as some experience.)
BabyAssociate
“It’s not in the budget” is an honest answer and I don’t think it’s misleading at all. How you decide to prioritize your spending or lack thereof is no one else’s business. How does the friend who felt misled think her brother got to the point where he has $50k in the bank? Probably by setting a budget….
anonshmanon
Agree that you don’t owe anyone more information. The only place where it gets more nuanced is when others feel compelled to spend on your behalf and you let them. Not saying you should feel bad when somebody buys you lunch of course, but if I spent considerable money e.g. supporting my parents or helping out my sibling directly and later learned that they were much better off than they let on (or perhaps better off than myself), that wouldn’t be ideal.
Senior Attorney
Amen to all of this!
Anonymous
Not their business you’re fine. Unless you’re letting friends pay all the time or lend you money doesn’t matter to them. And congrats!
Anonymous
Your friend is being weird. The reason her brother has $50K in the bank is that he has been sticking to a budget!
Keep doing what is best for you and don’t let yourself obsess over what others may think. “It’s not in the budget” is an honest statement, and you don’t owe anyone any further explanation or a detailed look at your finances.
Airplane.
I would phrase it as “that’s just not in my budget” and leave it at that. No one should feel misled and no one has a right to full information about your financial state. Your friend was probably just saying that to you because it’s her brother and she feels some sort of familial right to that info or maybe he’s borrowed money from her or otherwise said additional things to her that make her feel misled. Or she’s loony. Who knows. I wouldn’t take this one comment and change your behavior. You’re fine.
Anon
This is absolutely no one’s business. Other people do not get to tell you how to spend your money, and your decisions are not up for negotiation. Your friend’s issue with her brother seems specific to her situation, and has nothing to do with you.
Anon
People are really good about deciding what other people should spend.
The only thing where I get upset at other people is when they try to shift their obligations to other people. For instance don’t go out to lunch if you don’t want to pay your share of the tip. Don’t agree to a shared gift (in this case for secretaries day) with the price tag known up front, but then say you’re only willing to put in $5 when your share is $20. Things like that. Don’t be cheap.
But in terms of what you should be buying for yourself or spending on vacation or whatever, that is no one’s business but yours.
anon
It’s nobody’s business! Your friend’s brother was not being misleading. It is absolutely ridiculous to think you’re entitled to know about anyone else’s finances, financial goals, or how they spend their money.
Anon
If your friend learned about finances, she would realize that “not in the budget” doesn’t mean you can’t afford something.
Cat
You’re not being deceitful. “Not in the budget” doesn’t mean “I have no money,” it means “I’m choosing to prioritize doing something else with this money.”
LaurenB
You need to think like a rich person. A rich person doesn’t go “oh, there’s $50K in the bank, so therefore any luxury item I could theoretically afford is in the budget.”
Ses
For many people, certainly professionals in their 30’s, $50k is not *that* much to have in the bank and would be easily used up for a down-payment, a health emergency, extended unemployment, return to school for a masters, or another big life event.
I get that I’m speaking from a privileged place, and many people have nothing in savings, but your friend who is surprised that the person with a budget has a healthy savings just isn’t great at the basics of personal finance.
Also, “that isn’t in the budget” is IMO the best polite way of saying “that isn’t a high enough priority for me to spend money on.”
That said, sometimes people are offended by your priorities, and that can be okay. For example if you said no to attending a loved one’s wedding because “it’s not in the budget”, they are correct in understanding that there is something you prioritize higher than attending their wedding. If it’s rent and food, they’ll probably be understanding, but if they later find that you had plenty of savings, they will correctly assume that you don’t value attending their special day as much as you value whatever else you’re spending money on, and it would be understandable if they’re a little insulted.
Anonymous
I have an old-ish iPad and I NEED A KEYBOARD. I just can’t type quickly on the screen. Do you recommend a bluetooth, full size keyboard or a ‘click in’ one? Is it really worth buying the Apple brand, which is more expensive? I want to write emails. I travel to visit family members but no business travel for another six months at least.
Anon
I have no idea how keyboards work with iPads, but I have a Microsoft Surface keyboard in my home office that I love
waffles
I bought this keyboard when I started to work from home in March: https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B07D34L57F/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
(note that’s the Canadian amazon page…)
I use it with my Microsoft Surface tablet, so I can’t comment on the ipad and apologies if it’s different / proprietary…
so far, even with daily use it has held up really well. Seems well built for its price, and I like that it has an integrated rechargeable battery rather than requiring separate batteries. The same brand makes a smaller version without the number pad, but since I’m using it for work the number pad is helpful.
LawDawg
I have a cheap Bluetooth keyboard that I bought from Amazon. I am using it now with my iPad. It connects to three devices — I can switch between my phone and iPad (haven’t figured out what third thing I would use). I only use it occasionally, but I love having it around when I need to type something longer than a sentence or two. No need to pay for a name brand if you are not using it all the time.
What would you do?
I have a car that is worth about $2k on kbb. I am thinking about moving to a city where I do not need a car and having one would be a big hassle. I would need the car to move though. While I do not make a lot (30k in 2019) and could use the cash, I am wondering if it would be wiser to donate and take a tax credit than to try to sell and deal with the showings and negotiating and such. I checked with carvana due to their ads but they said they’d only pay me about $150 for it (inside is perfect, outside is not due to lots of minor damages and lots of sun damage to the paint).
What would you do?
Anon
Move and sell it once you’re settled. A car that runs and has working a/c will fetch around $1500-2k on craigslist. For someone in our income bracket, donating it won’t get you anywhere, since the threshold for itemizing deductions was raised.
Anonymous
+1 – selling is not that hard if you price it right (e.g. low).
Anonymous
I would get an offer from Carmax. We have sold two old clunkers, and in both cases the Carmax offer was right around the Edmunds or KBB trade-in value.
Senior Attorney
+1 Carmax is easy and their buying prices are reasonable
SmallLawAtl
There are not many cars for $2,000, in any condition. I think it will sell quickly on Craigslist or your local equivalent. People are ALWAYS looking for cheap cars. I have sold three or four old cars on Craigslist, always within a few days. I price it on the low side of fair, do not haggle even if they try (I just smile and say, “No, I know it is already a good deal”) and accept only cash. Transferring a title on a paid-for car is also super easy in most states; just follow the directions on the back of your title. The $2,000 (or more–be sure it isn’t worth more) you will get for it will be worth much more than the tax deduction.
Anonymous
Also, do you itemize your taxes? If not, the tax deduction will be wasted
Anon
Recs for a treadmill that has incline capability and also folds all the way down flat? I want to be able to slide it under my bed (unless you have other ideas about how to hide a treadmill in a small apartment). I’ve seen several online that have mostly decent reviews, but they also have reviews from people saying that it stopped working after a year or less. Definitely don’t want that to happen.
PNW
I just got a T103 treadmill from Horizon a couple weeks ago and am happy with it. It folds, but might not fit under a bed unless you have a very tall bed. Easily folds up into a corner though. It arrived while I was at work so my DH assembled it and it didn’t seem any worse than a flatpack shelf from IKEA.
PNW
T303, sorry.
Different Anon
I’m not OP, but have also been considering a fold-up tread mill for your aparment. For anyone who has one, is it too noisy? I’m worried about my downstairs neighbors. I’ve never had noise problems or complainst before, but a treadmill seems borderline.
Anon
What do you do when a colleague who is the authority on a matter submits their case or proposal to your customer and then demonstrates they cannot defend it? The colleague says they didn’t feel comfortable with what they prepared/submitted in the first place and want to change it by 50 percent or more? This impacts the credibility of my team and my firm. I am the team leader and I trusted this colleague. I will defend the proposal because we endorsed it. Can’t trust this person ever again…this is a new one for me…..very disappointed.
Anonymous
We need more context here. Was the colleague originally pressured to submit something that wasn’t really feasible? That happens all the time where I work. Management pressures us to submit proposals that promise to do impossible things on ridiculously small budgets and unrealistic timelines, and gets mad when the people who actually know what is and isn’t possible push back against these demands.
anon
no pressure….colleague developed proposal with their expert knowledge and presented well to internal team…when pressured with objections by the customer, colleague is not able to defend
Anon
Did the internal team not raise any of these issues first? Sounds like colleague is a jerk, but was there no vetting before it went to customers?
anon
OP here…Internal team had no issues and praised the colleague’s work. Colleague that originated the work is unable to defend it to the customer….
Anonymous
We pitch a lot of work and get about half of it. I don’t think pitching and not getting something is the kiss of death.
Anonymous
FIre them or get them fired. This is the only thing that will make you feel good.
Dating Lament
Late 30s, 3 years single, wondering if covid means single forever (and only feeling slightly hyperbolic in making that statement). Childfree, working on a PhD, career focused -and also not wanting to be forever single. Apparently each of those makes me less likely to find a match, age also plays a factor. Apps have gotten me nowhere for years except unsolicited richard pics, comments about how I should work less, and expectations that I would change my mind about kids if I gardened with them. I am the last single person of each of my friend groups but everyone’s friends are also married or they only know people who want or have kids, which means they don’t know anyone to set me up with. I’ve even tried setting my dating app to NYC as I thought that might be more similarly minded men but it shows my location as being far so people aren’t interested unless I can immediately hop a plane to meet them. (I would move if in a relationship, won’t be flying for a first date.) I wish this site had a matchmaking option or something!
FormerlyPhilly
I was thinking this last night…I wish this site had a matchmaking option!! My 39 yo brother is funny, smart and cute (and generally a good guy all around) but lives in western NY state which makes dating tough with pandemic.
OP
Please tell me he’s secretly anti-baby animals or sided with chris d’elia or something so I don’t contemplate moving to West NY! :)
Anonymous
How far west? Signed, Albany area. :)
FormerlyPhilly
Rochester!
Senior Attorney
Oh, man, no kidding! My son is so great…
OP
I almost said something about wishing you had a single son but I figured it’d either call you out or it might sound rude to consider dating someone totally unknown specifically to gain you as a MIL!
Senior Attorney
Haha he’s a little young (33) and pretty nerdy but if you’re in So Cal drop me a line at seniorattorney1 at gmail!
anon
LOL you guys I love this exchange so much
Anon
I’m sorry to hear that. Where do you live? How much longer until you’re done with your PhD and where will you be after?
Airplane.
Can you some single friends so you don’t feel so much of this “last single person in each of my friend groups” and so you have some friends who might share tips on dating or know new pools of single people they can introduce you to. Do you list “PhD” on your dating app or just “academia” ?
Amber
Wish this were a thing on this site too! I have a brother, late thirties, never been married who I would love to fix up!
JB
Where does said brother live? We might be able to set him up
Amber
New Orleans
Sf
PSA: I ordered athlete’s ready to move masks several weeks ago, back ordered to August. Just got an email that they won’t ship til September but I can call to cancel if I want. Sooo, I don’t recommend that purchase.
Any more breathable masks you guys love that will come quickly?
Sf
*athleta
Silly Valley
I don’t know about the availability at the moment, but I like Madewell’s masks a lot.
Anon
Help me pick a car!
I live in a major city and have a gated parking spot. I’ll use the car for local errands and 1-2 times a month to visit local family in the suburbs. I rarely have other passengers, and I don’t lug around much stuff. Basically, I just want something to get me from point A to point B. My current vehicle is a mid-2000s Corolla that has seen better days, so anything newer is going to feel like a huge upgrade. I’m still kind of blown away by the fact that you don’t stick a key in to turn on newer cars!
I’m looking at 2-3 years used Corollas, Civics, Elantras, and Mazda 3s. Any strong preferences? Anything I’m missing that you love?
The Original ...
Since many add on features can happen for all of those cars, maybe consider size of vehicle (do you want more interior space -check for headroom, do you want a smaller footprint for parallel parking -check exterior, etc., turning radius (big for me and something many don’t consider but enjoy when they can turn on a dime), and resale value -if you don’t drive a car into the ground? You could also look into the companies themselves for policies tied to your beliefs. (Trying to think of differentiators between them all.)
Z
I’m still driving my 2011 Corolla, any of the newer Corolla’s look really nice.
Anon
I drove a Mitsubishi Gallant for about 10 years and it was very reliable! This was a while ago so I am not sure if it is still a good car, but worth a look!
Anonymous
I adore my 2018 Prius, and I hated every Prius I test-drove before that. The newest version has better acceleration, visibility, and gas mileage than the previous versions. The cargo capacity is surprising given the size of the car. It is so awesome that we are planning to buy two more of them over the next three years (3-driver household at that point), or maybe one Prius plus a hybrid RAV-4.
Anon
My strategy is to look at carmax or local dealerships online and find out what they have that has the features I want, then compare to car complaints dot com and kbb until I find one that has no major problems and is fairly priced. It’s amazing how many car models will have major problems one year but be totally fine in the years before and after.
HFB
I love my Honda Fit. I know you said you don’t haul around a lot of stuff, but it’s nice to have the option. To me the Fit is the best of both worlds because it’s a small car (easy to park) but has a ton of room inside. Plus it handles really nicely- lot of pickup and nice tight turns. Also my family has always had Honda’s and they are low maintenance, cheap to fix when they do need a prepaid, and will run forever.
HFB
“repair” not prepaid.
Lobbyist
Love my Chevy Volt.Have to buy used now cuz they stopped making them.
Anon
If it’s a cold major city, I’d get a Subaru.
Walnut
I looooved my Buick Verano (and my brother drives it’s sibling, the Chevy Cruze – it has a diesel engine and gets ridiculous mpgs). Zero issues outside of routine oil changes/basic maintenance in ten years. I loved it so much I figured out how to get three car seats into it. It was delightfully quiet and felt so luxurious, even though its substantially less expensive than an actual luxury car. They’re no longer manufactured due to reduced demand for smaller cars, but that means you could pick one up for a steal!
Dividing the Check
Most of my friends come from dual income situations and almost all earn significantly more than me (I earn about 40k per year), some also have family money. As a result, our budgets are inherently different. This isn’t new or news. Also, I don’t drink and I tend to eat small portions so I often order an app as a meal or a side salad is enough for me as a meal. When we go out together or go out as a group, when the check comes, the general consensus is to just split it however many ways. However, this almost always means I pay in for significantly more food than my meal and a portion of alcohol I did not consume. If I had tons of cash, I wouldn’t care, I just don’t have that luxury so I have to care. However, I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t join because of money, nor do I want to cause a problem in the group because of money (especially at places where check splitting or getting a separate check would be odd or is not permitted). I know that no one does this at me, I’m just not sure how to handle it, especially because my goal is not to get friends to offer to cover me nor is it to make them choose cheaper places they wouldn’t like or not order what they want or, worst, reconsider whether to invite me. I also don’t want to sit at meals cringing when someone orders another drink because I am calculating my percentage of that drink’s cost.
Thoughts or advice or guidance or whatever?
Carrie
Ahhh…. the perennial splitting checks dilemma. As old as time.
Are you quite young? Early 20’s?
I quickly learned you have to follow the group dynamic. If it is a group that splits, you don’t go unless you are willing to do that. And you go and YOU splurge and get the same as everyone else. If you are brave and have reasonable friends, you ask to keep drinks on a separate check (if you don’t drink) and then you split food. And eat well!
Otherwise, you don’t go out with that group. Or you do what my (rich but cheap…) friend used to do. Come very late to every gathering…. usually with an excuse of a family commitment. And only order an app or a desert on a separate check and stay out of the fray.
When you get older, you will go out with smaller groups, and tend to have friends more considerate of this issue.
Airplane.
I don’t think this is a “quite young” issue. Our friend groups vary from mid 20’s to early 40’s and we join in for big group dinners, and the younger among us are still considerate of friends who are on a tight budget.
anon
Yikes, your friends shouldn’t be racking up a hefty bill with the expectation that you’ll chip in an equal amount despite consuming far less. That’s really poor form no matter what a person’s financial situation might be.
I wouldn’t be shy about asking the server to keep your stuff separate. Whenever you place your order, just say “this will be on a separate tab.” That way there’s no awkwardness when you’re ready to pay.
Anon
It’s not really poor form. Most adults split tabs to make it easy. They’re not always thinking about each individual situation. In this case, OP can raise the issue and separate out her check without much of a fuss, so she should do so.
Anon
Scale down how frequently you join those dinners and invite your friends to other things that are more in line with your budget to make up for the difference in how often you see them. You could directly discuss it and let them know it’s a money problem for you, but it sounds like you want to keep a lower profile (which is fine!), so I would just figure out privately “this is going to cost $x, how many times a month can I do that?” and then supplement by taking the lead on whatever other things you want to do with them–dinner parties, movies, local events where everyone pays their own admission and concessions, outdoor activities, etc.
Senior Attorney
I’m in a similar boat (eat much less than others) and if I can’t get my own check (can you arrange it in advance by whispering to the server?) I just suck it up. But if you can’t do that, you can’t do that and you’re going to have to speak up: “My side salad was $10 and with tax and tip I figure I owe $13 so here it is. I’ll leave it to you alcoholic foodies (said with a wink and a smile, of course) to split the rest of the tab as you see fit.”
Senior Attorney
On second thought I can’t imagine this would ever go over very well. I like the advice above better.
anon
I actually think this is perfectly fine if you leave off the second sentence :)
Anon
I wouldn’t say the second thing, but I frequently just say “My entree was $16, so here’s $22 which should cover it, plus the tax and tip.” I usually throw in an extra dollar or two because for some reason people always tend to come up short when splitting a bill, and I don’t want to be shortchanging the server.
Cat
Can you ask one friend in the group to help the next time around – proactively? I’m picturing – the check arrives, and one of the people in the group would be prepared to say “oh wait, Susie only had an app, it’s not fair to split evenly- Susie if you put in $20 we’ll divide the rest.” Then you don’t have to speak up yourself.
Normally I’d say not to split hairs (like one couple had an extra drink each, or one couple ordered a dessert to share but not others, eh slightly annoying but the price of the camaraderie) but when it’s a dramatic difference on dramatically different budgets, I get you.
Senior Attorney
This is good.
go for it
Ask the server for a separate check! If its uncomfortable, use the restroom and do so privately. I do it all the time for the same reasons as you. The rest of the folks at the table can do the regular split.
Airplane.
Can you carry a lot of varied bills and contribute cash for your portion, making sure to include tax and generous tip (or your per person share of grauitity as applicable) and just put that in first and have the group divide by the remaining number of people? Be the first to put in on top when the check comes then step out to go to the restroom.
Anon
I have a group of friends like this– my issue is not so extreme as yours. I also have a dual income, and we do well for our MCOL city. This group of friends primarily lives in VHCOL areas, so they make more money and have different ideas of how much a meal should cost. They also drink much more than me and my husband. So, we may get a medium cost entree, appetizer, and one drink each. They will order appetizers, sides, high cost entrees, and 3-4 expensive cocktails with dinner– so their cost is at least twice ours. What makes it worse is one of the guys in the group likes to pick up the tab with the idea that you will pick it up for him another time– but like there is no time where his bill won’t be twice yours.
I have frankly started avoiding this friend group and dinners like this because I just don’t think it’s fun, and we have such different spending priorities that we don’t have as much in common as when we became friends. If you do want to keep seeing these people, you have two options: (1) Be assertive about how much you are paying. Before the bill comes, say something like, “Ok, I owe someone $15 for my glass of wine and side salad.” This may be annoying for a bit, but eventually, they may start to get it and it won’t be on you every time. (In the group I talked about above, a girl with dietary restrictions has successfully managed to do this, but the time I was with them and couldn’t drink bc of meds I was on but got stuck splitting the alcohol tab, it didn’t work. So YMMV.) (2) Relax and start ordering more– this really only works if you see them infrequently and can afford to do this. If you cut back on drinks/dessert to save money, just order it and accept the amount you will be paying doesn’t depend on your order.
Carrie again?
Ahhh…. the perennial splitting checks dilemma. As old as time.
Are you quite young? Early 20’s?
I quickly learned you have to follow the group dynamic. If it is a group that splits, you don’t go unless you are willing to do that. And you go and YOU splurge and get the same as everyone else. If you are brave and have reasonable friends, you ask to keep drinks on a separate check (if you don’t drink) and then you split food. And eat well!
Otherwise, you don’t go out with that group. Or you do what my (rich but cheap…) friend used to do. Come very late to every gathering…. usually with an excuse of a family commitment. And only order an app or a desert on a separate check and stay out of the fray.
When you get older, you will go out with smaller groups, and tend to have friends more considerate of this issue!