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Coffee Break: Pretty Stamps!

As you may have noticed, there's some drama happening over the U.S. Postal Service — their funding has been dire since April, and with new leadership, package delays, worries about voting by mail, etc., there's a lot going around about why you should support the post office. Fortunately, it's really easy to do — just buying stamps helps the USPS.

Buying stamps online is easy and opens up a world of pretty stamps — there are so many nice ones online! I'm kind of a fan of the 19th Amendment stamps celebrating women's right to vote (available for preorder now), but there are also “voices of the Harlem Renaissance” featuring authors like Nella Larsen, and “American Gardens,” such as the one featuring the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. I may have to get a pack of the stamps celebrating the first moon landing for my space buff dad. 

Most of these stamps are limited edition, but some stick around for a while, like the classic Breast Cancer Research stamps. 

Further reading:

  • How You Can Support the Post Office [Lifehacker]
  • Postal Service may close offices, cut service ahead of election [Marketwatch/AP]
  • The U.S. Postal Service Has Never Been More Important, or More Endangered [Bloomberg Businessweek]

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

173 Comments

  1. Anybody ever change their last name after 10+ years of marriage?

    I was Jane Smith, Married Davy Jones, became Jane Smith-Jones. Went by Jane Smith professionally for YEARS until a new job (and a weird logistic mix-up) had me going by Jane Smith-Jones professionally.

    Well, now my kids (who are Jack and Suzy Jones) are old enough where I’m called Mrs. Jones socially and… I kind of like it? I didn’t when I was younger but now… it seems reflective of who I am? Adding to it, I’m not close to my father at all and kind of dislike being associated with that last name.

    The easier option would just be to start going by Jane Jones and not legally change my name, right? Open to thoughts here.

    (FWIW, my husband has said repeatedly he loves me and if changing my name to Captain Spiffy Von Cupcake would make me happy, he would support it.)

    1. My mom kept her last name legally until I was born (after 10 years of marriage). Probably easier to just go by Mrs. Jones and leave it alone legally, but if its really important to you go for it.

    2. It wasn’t quite 10 years, but I changed mine at 8, and was very happy with it. Using my maiden name had never been a problem, but by that point, my reasons I hadn’t changed in the first place didn’t seem so strong, and I was thinking about having kids and wanted us to share a last name. (Obviously, people can be fine without changing, but I like it better this way.) The change was a lot easier to get used to then I expected, and I didn’t feel like my identity had been changed or any of the issues people usually worry about applied.

      2. When my husband and I were engaged, somebody suggested we both change our names to Mr. and Mrs. Fabulous. It was very tempting!

    4. The only thing I’d caution is if you have any sort of legal estate planning, it is not an easy change. I have a living will, as does husband, and the attorney was clear that name changes later were time consuming and expensive. So I’ll be forever be Jane Doe, married to John Smith.

      2. Counterpoint: I have changed my name three times and it’s not that big a deal. I mean, it’s a hassle in the moment but then it’s over and you get on with your life. And absent some extenuating circumstances that I can’t really imagine, it shouldn’t be all that expensive to get it changed on estate planning documents.

        1. Counter counter point: I’ve changed my name twice and hated it both times. If it really matters to you, I’m sure the hassle is worth it, but if it was just a matter of wanting to go socially by part of my current name I would just do that and not have to deal with the paperwork and effort, especially right now when there are a lot of delays.

          1. The estate planning is the least of it, though. The real hassle is the DMV, social security, etc.

          2. Agree with this. DMV and Social Security are the worst. Pro tip: Do Social Security first and that will make everything else easier.

          3. Counterpoint to SA – from my name change, I had to go to PennDOT first and then SSA. I triple checked because that seemed backward to me… but that was the order for PA.

            Armed with the new driver’s license and SS card, everything else was pretty straightforward… except frequent flyer accounts, which took an inordinate amount of effort and photocopying. And Amtrak’s process was so obnoxious that I gave up and just created a new profile.

          4. My daughter chose not to change her name upon marriage, and I joke that most of the reason was she dislikes paperwork and dealing with bureaucracy and just decided not to bother.

          5. For anyone considering a name change. Look into doing it via court order. If you have a state court order you can interact with government agencies and third parties in any order you want. It was super easy for me compared to friends who did name changes on their marriage license.

      3. Why? It doesn’t seem that difficult to update the names on all the documents and sign them. Maybe it would cost a few hundred dollars and an hour of your time?

        1. My Dad and I talked about this and we decided that I would never change my name once I married b/c I have built up alot of goodwill with my given name — Ellen Barshevsky. It would not matter who I married, it will stay Barshevsky b/c it is to confusing to change it at this point now that I am almost 40, and a partner in a NYC boutique law firm. I had actually contemplated changing my name, and/or hypeniating it with my ex’s: Either Ellen Sheketovits Barshevsky or Ellen Barshevsky Sheketovits, but neither panned out b/c I dumped Alan, and just as well. Grandma Leyeh said he came from peasant stock unworthy of my lineage, even though Grandma Trudy said “Bunk” to all of that, if Alan had not been such a lush.
          So I stand in the camp that says we women need to be proud of our surname’s and NOT to change them just b/c we are with a man, irregardless of what his name is. FOOEY on that!

        2. Not the person who wrote that about estate planning. I presume she may have meant that it is also a problem when the person making a legal name change is the beneficiary of a will or trust. If the trust or DPOA (say, a parent’s estate plan) lists Jane Smith-Jones, Jane Jones will have to produce documents showing that she was Smith-Jones at the time her father signed the documents.

    5. I had different social and legal names for 20 years with zero repercussions. I never legally changed my name after I married, but I used my married name professionally and personally. I had a DL in my birth name and a passport in my married name, but taxes were always in my birth name. Anyway, the point of this little tale is that I finally changed my Social Security record to my married name a year or so ago, and now everything matches. It is really easy to change to a spouse’s last name and does not require a court filing or anything complicated. I just took a copy of my 20-year old marriage license to the SS office and filled out a form.

    6. It might make sense to wait until post-pandemic if you have to visit social security, DMV offices and the like. My state’s DMV is insisting I go in person to renew my license and they’re reaching capacity 45 minutes after opening and then those people are standing outside in lines for up to 8 hrs in the heat to maybe get service, so I’m not sure how I’m gonna make this happen.

    7. I did the opposite! I took my husband’s name when we got married, but then after more than 10 years of marriage and two kids I decided I wanted to go back to my maiden name. I just really missed it. I think going the other direction is much more normal :) but my husband was fully supportive and it felt like the right thing for me, so I did it. Definitely had to do a lot of explaining that we weren’t getting divorced, but I expected that. (Our kids were still very young – 1 and 3 – at the time, and won’t remember me having my husband’s last name. I’m not sure I would have done it with older kids who would have processed what was happening and might have taken it as an insult that I didn’t want to share a name with them. Kids had and still have my husband’s last name only.)

      1. Oh and as for the process, it was pretty trivial the first time because I was newly married – I just got a new SSA card, and then a new driver’s license and didn’t need to do anything other than show my marriage license to those offices. The second name change was a lot harder because I didn’t have a recent marriage or divorce, and I wanted to get a new middle name instead of reverting to my birth middle name (I’m First HusbandsLast MaidenLast now – I hated my birth middle name and getting rid of it was a big part of why I took my husband’s last name in the first place, so definitely didn’t want to go back to that). Anyway the second time I had to go to court and it was a gigantic pain in the youknowwhat but I’m still glad I did it!

  2. Speaking of stamps, I wanted to do one of those postcard-writing campaigns to reach unregistered voters, but it looks like the main one out there when you Google it requires you to supply your own stamps. I’ve already given a lot of money to political causes this year and would prefer to find a campaign that does pre-addressed, pre-stamped cards, which is what I did in the midterms before. Any suggestions?

    1. Maybe contact the main campaign and ask them if there’s an option where you don’t provide stamps. Possibly look into text messaging people?

    2. A local organization in my county is sending applications to unregistered voters and provides us with pre-stamped envelopes. Maybe contact your local candidates or activist organizations? Or candidates in areas your friends or family live?

  3. Feeling like a 14 year old – working from grandmom’s house – in her formal dining room which typically has the white upholstered fancy chairs. Heavy flo day, products must have shifted and you guessed it – 2 red blood stains on said fancy chair. Grandmom is very involved and knows all in her house – if she saw me scrubbing her chairs she’d ask why; that being said, she’ll be wonderful about it and tell me now to worry but I feel bad because she keeps a pristine home and it’s not like a dining chair can be replaced easily w/o messing up the set and this is the head of the table chair so it’s not like it can be moved to a lesser noticed spot (because it has handles that won’t fit under the table).

    Snuck into the kitchen got paper towels and water while the stain was not yet set in and scrubbed – fortunately the bright red is gone and now that it’s somewhat dry you wouldn’t really notice an obvious stain from a distance. Up close it looks more like a residual stain and could even pass for a coffee.food stain or something from a while ago. Any other things you’d try to make it look better? I am reading online to try dish soap with water and also reading to try contact solution because apparently salt helps. I’m not beyond scrubbing a toothbrush or anything (not that I’m seeing anything that tells me that helps) – it’s now more about sneaking around and doing it when she won’t come in and see me.

    2. Oxyclean spray. It gets everything out. Spray it on and let it sit without scrubbing.

      2. Another +1 — I have particularly good luck with Oxyclean on (pardon the gross term) bodily fluids of any sort.

    3. This sounds crazy, but try rubbing the stains with ice. That is what my grandmother taught me to do when I lost a tooth and bled on my shirt, and it sometimes works.

    4. I don’t know how large an area the spot is or how to suggest you apply this moisture exactly to a seat cover but, oddly enough your own saliva will break down your own blood. I’ve used this technique on my own needlework when I was too stubborn to stop when tired or stressed and paid the price by injuring myself and worse, damaging my handwork. My Oma taught me as part of teaching me to stitch when I was a child. I didn’t think it was odd until I was older. Good luck.

    5. Folex. And get the whole seat wet, not just the stained area, or you will leave a ring on the fabric with any water based cleaner.

    6. Hydrogen peroxide if she has it, or if your contact solution has the red cap it’s also hydrogen peroxide based. It is A+ at getting blood out.

      2. +1. Hydrogen peroxide is the best for blood. It lifted some heavy blood stains from an injury out of white sheets for me.

    7. The best option is if she has one of those little handheld carpet cleaners, otherwise I’d scrub it with a toothbrush and a little laundry detergent and blot and rinse and blot. Cold water only.

    8. I use bar soap (good old Dial) and cold water when my undies suffer a similar issue.

    9. Hydrogen peroxie works wonders on blood, especially new stains. Be sure to spot test if you can

    11. No advice but I love that you’re trying so hard to get the stain out without your grandmother noticing.

    12. No advice, but this happened to me last month. My period came early, without cramps or any other signs and I was happily sitting on the fancy white chair playing cards with my 5 year old son. Thankfully, it happened in my own house in front of my kids and DH, but I was still embarrassed!

  4. Random question – do you ever order cakes for occasions other than birthdays, weddings, or possibly a bridal or baby shower? I’m not talking about a “chocolate cake sounds delicious!” and either getting a slice of cake from a bakery or picking up a cake from Publix because you had a craving. I’m talking about special ordering in advance an entire cake for the Fourth of July, Easter or Thanksgiving. A while ago I put two friends from different areas of my life in touch with each other due to a mutual interest in something they both studied in grad school. One of the friends has a personal blog that she posts to on a regular basis. She shared the blog in the email correspondence, specifically referencing some posts where she had mentioned various articles on the topic of mutual interest. The other friend and I were talking recently and she asked me if the first friend always orders cakes for events, as she’d noticed this was a theme in the posts (again, this is a personal/for fun blog, but she has touched on her grad school and continued work in that field in the blog). After going back through blog myself, I did notice this trend, and I realized she orders cakes for all major holidays, when I would personally expect to see other desserts. Like, the main dessert at every thanksgiving of hers/her family’s is cake, not pie. Same with Christmas. New Year’s Eve gets a cake, Fourth of July and Easter get cakes. I just personally never really think about ordering an entire cake outside of birthdays or weddings (and a baby or bridal shower if the guest of honor asked for it). Cake is delicious, I just don’t think about ordering a cake for a Fourth of July BBQ, and i think of having pie, not cake, at Thanksgiving, and other special family tradition desserts at Christmas and was wondering if anyone else does this.

    1. Leftover cake = breakfast pastry. Some cake is even good toasted with jam. 2020 s*cks — I say go for it.

    2. I bring those Nothing Bundt Cake bundt cakes (usually the mini ones) to every holiday, including Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even random family get-togethers. They’re always a huge hit. When I was a kid, my mom baked and decorated cakes, and we also had holiday themed cakes for pretty much every holiday.

    3. Maybe her family likes cake and she doesn’t want to bake it herself? Maybe she never had a fancy cake growing up and likes to treat herself as an adult? Maybe her best friend owns a bakery that she wants to support? Who cares?

      I like cake and have been known to serve themed cakes or cupcakes at non-cake holidays (pumpkin cake at Thanksgiving, a snowy white cake at Christmas), and for my daughter’s book club. I bake and decorate them all myself, though.

    4. My mom does this! If she has guests, there is nearly always delicious strawberry cake from one of her local bakeries. I kind of love it (because I love both my mom and cake) but I am glad I don’t live closer to her or I’d be constantly eating big fat slices of pink cake haha.

    5. I make them rather than order them, but yeah, I make cake for random-seeming occasions. I like baking and I’ll use the flimsiest of excuses to make a cake.

      1. Yup. First day of school? Cake. Report card day? Cake (regardless of results). Soccer party? Cake. Lost a tooth? Let’s eat cake! I had a lot of fun with cakes when my kids were young. 200 cupcakes with red fish/blue fish for Dr Suess’s birthday? I’m that mom.

        Empty nester now and dh recently told me he’d rather have pie. Pie is fine, but not nearly as fun to decorate.

        1. “Pie is fine, but not nearly as fun to decorate.” Get yourself some of the Williams Sonoma tins of tiny, seasonal cookie cutters. Use them to decorate the top crust or the lattice crust with pie crust appliqués. Very satisfying tonal art.

      1. Clearly she is VERY UPSET about this CAKE EATING MONSTER and definitely not innocently asking about other experiences. What a psycho!!

    7. I have known people who do this – mainly my Not So Domestically Inclined aunts. If there are people gathering, then there will be a cake. Easy to feed a lot of people.

      (Personally, though, I really don’t like traditional iced cake or even cupcakes. Unless we’re talking about yellow box cake with chocolate icing out of the tub because that right there is what childhood memories are made of.)

    10. My sister’s inlaws do this, but it’s because her MIL and some of the sisters love decorating cakes. They have cake for everything. I could imagine that turning into a family tradition of ordering cakes for the siblings who don’t bake.

      1. I feel like having a relative who decorates cakes would be the next best thing to having a relative in the jewelry business or the car business.

    11. I love the idea of finding a reason to celebrate at any old time. I also love when women can enjoy food for the pleasure it brings to family events. It’s relaxing and peaceful to be around women who will bake a cake for fun with no talk of calories or “earning it” or whatever.

    12. Yes, I do this – or similar.
      We have a birthday cake here in the U.K. shaped like a caterpillar – it’s a Thing, all the supermarkets have a version. Without fail, I have one of those for my birthday.

      No Thanksgiving or 4th July, obviously.

      For Easter, a Simnel Cake is traditional but we often make a St Clements cake as that feels very spring-y.

      And at Christmas I almost always make a chocolate cake as I don’t like Christmas cake or Christmas pudding. This year just gone we had a Christmas caterpillar cake instead and previously one year we made a treacle tart too – but I always make or organise an alternative dessert (usually chocolate) to have as a non-fruitcake option.

      1. Colin! I did not realise this was a thing when I moved here years ago, and was confused to see colleague after colleague given caterpillar cakes (it was always Colin because we had an M&S around the corner). I love it but have never had one myself :(

    13. I had a “Congrats on paying off student loans” cake for myself and DH. We had a “Don’t screw this up, America!” cookie cake for 2016 election. We’ll have a “Don’t screw this up again, America!” cookie cake for 2020 election. And people usually give us cakes around Christmas (like the 12 layer caramel cakes that are so popular in the South. Because they are delicious). So yes, sometimes.

    14. Back in the day (early to mid-90s) my grandmother made a cake pretty much every other week. Not a fancy one, mind you, but a basic sheet cake with homemade frosting. These would either be for big family lunches (10-20 people) or for any number of baby showers, baptisms, first communions, graduations, bridal showers, funerals, etc. We ate a lot of cake :)

      1. Oh my lord, the pineapple upside-down cake she would make …. so retro and so, so good. I asked for one for my birthday once.

    15. Some families do do this (ahem, my family of origin). First it was cake from a favorite local bakery. Then in semi-retirement, my mom took up Fancy Cake Baking as a hobby, and I am also glad I don’t live closer or we’d be taking cake home all the time! I…just don’t enjoy eating cake that much. (I make a special exception for ice cream cake…)

    16. We had a tradition where we ordered “First Day of X Grade” and “Last Day of X Grade” cakes for our children when they were growing up. We actually did the same thing for their first days at their first jobs. Why not? I personally hate pie, so I never expect to see it except at Thanksgiving.

    17. Honestly I find it a little unusual that you seem to relegate cake to birthdays/weddings/showers! It’s a dessert – why couldn’t it be served anytime?

      1. OP here —It’s not that cake can’t be had anytime. Or cupcakes. Heck, my husband and I often pick up slices of cake from our local bakery on random occasions. I have zero issues with cake. I just have never thought about calling up a bakery and ordering a “Happy Thanksgiving” cake (that actually says that in top of the cake). Like a WHOLE cake. I would call the bakery up and order a pie. Or I’d make another dessert that was special, but not cake (like millionaires short bread, apple tart, tiramisu, Creme brûlée… I just had a pattern pointed out to me of ordering regular cakes for regular occasions that I don’t think of as traditional cake holidays. Like, Fourth of July? Bring on the ice cream sundae bar, novelty ice cream treats, frozen custard, milk shakes, 7-11 slurpees, apple pie,,,, but I wouldn’t think if serving cake at a bbq. My friend does, and I was wondering if anyone else did.

        1. A sheet cake with whipped cream and blueberries and strawberries making up the American flag is the quintessential Fourth of July dessert IMO.

    18. You have stumbled upon the hill I will die on: pie is a subclass of cake. Also cake is suitable for any celebratory occasion (including celebrating things like ‘I got us some cake’).

        1. There was someone last year (?) who tried to make this same argument and did not seem to understand the difference between cake batter and pie crust. I was not convinced.

      2. Op here- I’m with you on the subclass. My I am specifically asking about pre ordering and entire decorated cake for a regular, existing holiday where it’s usually not a cake Celebration. Like the Fourth of July. Like thanksgiving.

      3. Is there also a subclass called cake, under the class “cake”? Because I think that would be required for this to make sense. As support, I submit that the question asked “would you like cake or pie for your birthday?” is an intelligible question.

  5. Laundry detergent suggestions for workout clothes? I feel like my usual Tide free & clear is not up to the task of summer workout clothes drenched in sweat and they have a slightly lingering funk.

      1. +1 for Hex, works great for my all day outside rock climbing and horseback riding nasties.

    2. I’ve found that adding OxiClean Free & Clear powder to a cold water wash helps. I use Seventh Generation detergent, and sometimes Arm & Hammer.

    4. My husband washes his cycling togs in white vinegar (and dries them on the clothesline when the weather cooperates) and they always smell fine.

      1. +1 I add white vinegar to my wash all the time, especially if I’m using something that has minimal scent (typically Woolite for me). I usually add about 1/2 cup I think? I just pour it in the same place I put detergent into the machine. I’ve had mildew-y clothes where the smell came right out. Recently had a reusable shopping bag with a squash in it that I didnt notice had rotted and the bag smelled vile, but the smell went mostly away with 1 wash with vinegar and totally away on wash #2.
        Otherwise, I like the Tide Sport, but if you’re a free&clear purchaser, you might be overpowered by the scent.

      2. Drying and airing out the clothes thoroughly, before and after washing, is super helpful.

      3. I’ve started doing this as well and it is the only thing that removes trapped sweat odors from fleece and athletic fabrics. I do an extra rinse cycle in the washer to get the vinegar smell out.

      4. We are a sensitive skin + eczema house, so Tide Free and Clear plus about a half cup of vinegar and 1/3 cup (or so?) of washing soda goes into every load we do. It kills my husband’s cross fit and 3 hours of tennis funk dead.
        If there are any REALLY egregious smells I’ll add in another 1/3 cup of amonnia. That is more typically deployed for mildew or strong BO situations but man is it effective.

    6. If it’s performance fabric lysol laundry sanitizer will to get rid of the smell. You could also try your washer’s presoak option with regular detergent. That kind of fabric doesn’t always soak in enough water or something during a regular wash.

    7. Good advice here already and also don’t use dryer sheets or other fabric softener for your activewear loads. Softeners leave a residue on clothes that can keep them from getting fully clean in the next wash.

    8. When mine get too stinky I spray them with vinegar–especially the stinky areas. I like to let it sit for a while so if I notice one garment is stinky I just keep the vinegar in my closet for a few days and spray basically everything for a cycle.

    9. Check out Rockin Green Active Wear—works wonders on gross smelling workout gear. Found this brand during my brief stint cloth diapering the first kiddo—their “Funk Rock” product was life changing.

  6. Stepkid does not live with us (2 WFH parents who are now again involuntary homeschooling middle-schoolers). Stepkid came home from college to mom’s house where they have proceeded to live their best lives, including attending and going to parties, hanging out with local relatives, traveling from our area (increasing cases) to a hotspot a couple of times, going out on dates, going back to college city to party a few times, etc., etc. When stepkid was working, there were at least periodic temp checks and mask wearing. Now, there is a going-away party and then back to college.

    Stepkid just returned from a group stay in a highrise hotel in a hotspot and my husband is a bit irrittated that I put my foot down on stepkid coming over (we do not need to get sick; if I go into my office once a week, it is a gift. I am essential worker, so I should be at work but have to limp along at home due to no childcare much of the summer; ditto spouse. We do not need to get anyone sick; we want to go back to work and for schools to reopen; we want workers to stop getting laid off and for businesses to stop closing, often permanently; we’d love to see our distant parents; we’d love to have a vacation; for for any of this to happen, #s need to go way down. [I’d be OK if stepkid had stayed home for a week to cool off and see if symptoms developed and better if stepkid got a test and quarantined awaiting results.] [Spouse was not OK with: you have to be outdoors; no kids; you should probably go to a park to avoid the temptation to come in.]

    I feel that stepkid and the mom are running up a tab that other working moms of school-aged kids are paying dearly for. I am OK with different people having different risk tolerances, but ours are orders of magnitude apart.

    [I guess I should be happy that they haven’t wiped out their family and friends since March, but I think that the have been exceptionally lucky vs “what we are doing is working.”] Meanwhile, I’ve basically gone to work 2x/month and the grocery store for almost 6 months; my kids have basically left the house for some small outdoor day camps and to go on walks. They didn’t have birthday or graduation parties and haven’t seen friends. It seems so unfair and like with people like this is unlikely to end anytime soon. I am exhausted from everything and homeschooling is going to kick my butt again soon.

    2. The problem here isn’t that stepkid’s risk tolerance is different than yours, it’s that you and your husband aren’t on the same page. Your husband needs to get with the program.

      1. The program seemingly being that he doesn’t see his child because his second wife is anxious.

        1. Lordy, I am not an anxious person at all. But I’ve already had to get tested twice and have quarantined at home each time I’ve waited for results. We’ve had to close down our worksite and pay for decontamination. Whatevs.

          But if you just got off a plane full of unmasked people with middle seats filled, and you’d been out at parties the night before and week before and drunk people aren’t drinking with masks on, wouldn’t you maybe pause for a bit before going out around people you theoretically cared about? Or stay home a week? Or get tested (easy in my city)? I mean, it’s not 2019. And so far, other than losing my job (perhaps to come!) or getting sick (ditto!), working moms are suffering the most for all of this.

        3. No, his second wife is practical, reasonable, and following public health guidelines to the best of her ability. Are you a Trumper or something?

      2. He got with the program (he is very knee-jerk with his thinking: he wants to see stepkid). I pointed out that I did not need to kill pregnant co-worker A, A’s unborn baby B, or elderly co-worker C. It irritates me that strangers matter to him (vs us, his family). It also irritates me that they never thought about any of this until I bought it up with maybe 2 hours notice (hey; now that Stepkid is back from hotzone, stepkid wants to come by now b/c Stepkid has a party tomorrow night). Unbelievable. I feel like this is never going to end b/c the knuckleheads and party-hearty types far outnumber people like me. I am so stabby.

      3. +1. You should not have to play bad cop alone, especially with this being your husband’s kid and not biologically yours. I don’t like the setup of the isolated stepmom.

    3. Deal with it. Your husband gets to see his child. Full stop. Sorry you can’t have control of this. If you really can’t take the risk go stay in a hotel but I think you just need to cope with the risk.

      1. No, her husband does not get to kill her and their children. He can go to a hotel for the duration if he wants to hang out with a reckless semi-adult child.

      2. What?! We might as well all go out and go hog wild then. If we are breaking bread with people who take flagrant risks, might as well enjoy the actual fun and not just the virus.

      4. What? Why can’t they visit somewhere outside and away from family members who don’t want to risk spreading the virus from someone who has a history of being reckless and has been in a hotspot?! NJ would probably insist on a 2-week quarantine.

      6. I think context matters a lot here. OP’s stepchild isn’t a young child who has no control over how he lives – he’s old enough to make decisions about not recklessly socializing even if his mother is permitting it. And he’s old enough to have a respectful conversation with his dad and not feel completely rejected if he has to abide by certain safety guidelines. It’d be different if stepchild was very young and not able to grasp what’s going on with the pandemic. But stepchild and his mom don’t appear to be taking any precautions, and I can understand why you wouldn’t feel safe exposing yourself or your younger children.

        But I also think a lot of this falls on OP’s husband. Presumably, he cares about the risk his child is exposing himself to even if he’s not under his roof at the time simply because he cares about his son? All of the divorced couples I know have had repeated conversations about risk tolerance (some have had a harder time finding middle ground than others), but OP hasn’t indicated that her husband had had any such conversations with his ex-wife.

        caveat: I am not a divorced parent

      7. No. “Full stop“ does not mean you’re right. She has the right to protect herself and her children.

        1. +1000 and this comment made me lol re the “full stop.” So many commenters in this hive use that phrase just to try to end the debate with them getting the last word. It doesn’t mean what so many think it means…

    4. I hear you. So frustrating!

      In a nearly identical situation, hubby agreed to do whatever our family doctor recommended, which was no visiting without 7 days strict quarantining by kid. It took the stress off both of us because it was not my opinion (I would have said 14 days) or hubby’s opinion (it’s fine just come over to our house after vacationing in Miami).

      Good luck and stay safe.

    5. I think that the 19-25 YO crowd is who is driving the spread now. It’s like spring break never ended.

    6. Oh my gosh what a nightmare. I agree that your husband just needs to get with the program.

    7. Seems like you don’t like the stepkid, or at least don’t take a charitable view of him.

      I personally wouldn’t let anybody bar my child from my home. That’s his child. Your bio kids go to day camp. So do mine. If they are out and about, you are exposed. The difference is that you let your bio kids into your home and not your step kid.

      2. Yes this. His other child is exactly as much his child as yours. Sounds like none of you are perfect and none of you are high risk.

    8. What about a compromise where your husband sees his kid somewhere outside where they can be socially distant and possibly wear masks? Walk in the park? Eat at an outside cafe? (I know that part involves removing the mask and sitting relatively close.) It’s still better than having her in the house.

    9. “I am OK with different people having different risk tolerances, but ours are orders of magnitude apart.”
      I’ll one up you and say I am not even OK with people having different risk tolerances, at least not to this degree. The things you are describing are unacceptable and risk public health. People should not be taking these risks, even if they are willing to accept the risk, because they are also risking others’ health too and perpetuating the virus.
      Your husband may want to see his child, but the child is an adult, is not a member of your household, and he knows he has not been handling the pandemic responsibility. I agree with you in saying not to the visit unless the kid self-quanantines for an adequate amount of time. And agree with others that your husband need to get with the program.
      Fwiw, I have refused to even have socially distanced visits with my parents for very similar reasons. I don’t need my high risk husband getting Covid and dying. And I already had a, um, related viral respiratory illness around 2003 and obviously survived it, but I really don’t need that sort of thing again either.

    10. I’d be whisking my two kids away to my parents house or other trusted family member who is approaching the pandemic carefully. I’d stay there with them until husband got himself together.

  7. Anyone else noticing a trend where someone comes here to post a vague, non-social-distancing plan (“my husband and I want to visit Florida” or “we’re looking for a cabin”) and then only come back with the detailed, safety-conscious details after receiving minor pushback on the post? Then it gets to be a pile-on (“stop being so negative”) on whoever pointed out that the vague plan sounded risky before all the suddenly available safety details were posted. I’m starting to wonder how many of those posts are just stirring the pot.

    1. OMG people are not just posting their questions to stir the pot. Maybe they’re not used to living in a pandemic and forget that people will want those details otherwise they’ll just lecture. Maybe they assume it’s understood. Maybe we could all just assume good intentions and not be glassbowls to each other.

    2. Those posts are never asking for advice on what precautions to.take or whether their precautions are up to other posters’ standards. They ask for advice on where to go or how to find a place to stay, etc. And then they get slapped all over by social distancing policing commenters and are forced to justify themselves in order to get responses to the actual questions. The info is missing because it is irrelevant.

      1. How is “you shouldn’t go to Florida” irrelevant? Serious question. It might not be what the poster asked, but IMO, it’s so so relevant right now. It would be like if I asked “which of these two suits from Theory is the best” and someone responded “actually Theory sucks, I’d recommend ___ instead.” It might not be an exact answer, but it’s still information that might be good to know.

        1. I feel like that is one take. Another take might be that the someone instead replied with a tone more similar to “Well actually Theory is made in sweatshops by little children, you shouldn’t buy any suit at all you child-hater.” People take things different ways, hence the drama.

          1. Yeah, I can see that, although I didn’t get that impression from any of the posts this morning. They seemed to blow up the thread, but the replies didn’t read as hostile or melodramatic to me.

        2. What I said was that the details are irrelevant to the post, which is why they are left out. They aren’t left out to stir up trouble. Their absence does stir up trouble because other readers are very invested in judging any poster who suggests she is going to leave her home for any reason. The response “don’t go” might be “relevant” but it is not responsive. That said, any regular reader here should now know that they need to provide a laundry list of safety protocols they are following before announcing they are leaving home to avoid being labeled as willing to kill a grandma just because they want to get groceries.

          1. No, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the “kill a grandma” response to groceries or getting medicines or anything like that. It’s to the optional fun travel and parties.

        3. But “you shouldn’t go to Florida” isn’t “information” like an alternative recommendation to a clothing brand is. We all know there’s a pandemic. We all know travel is not advisable. We are all aware of the public health guidance. “You shouldn’t go” to ___ isn’t “information,” it’s a directive that is usually laden with judgment. Do you think that you are giving a poster something new to think about by saying “you shouldn’t go”?

    3. Maybe some of it goes without saying (like I wear my seatbelt but don’t announce it)? And we presume the best per Senior Attorney? I mean, most of it is “how can I find my remote Walden-type cabin in the woods for a long-term rental”?

      OTOH, how can I have a scaled-down Burning Man in my backyard where everyone is in hazmat suits (but with straw holes!!!) and how many porta-potties do I need (n.b. hand sanitizer is flammable)? Kidding! Kidding! [More like: since all neighbors have abandoned my city, how loud can I turn up my music (all angry high BPM stuff now) before anyone complains???]

    4. Yeah, now that you mention it, there does seem to be a pattern. It’s odd that during a pandemic, people would post the inflammatory plan first and the safety info later. Obviously it would be different in normal times but these aren’t normal times.

    5. How much detail to include in posts on this site has become a delicate balancing act IMO – you need enough detail to get a useful answer but not so much that people nitpick your wording or get sidetracked on something that wasn’t your main point.

      1. +1 – too little information and people rush to attack you for being reckless (see Sinus Infection OP from the other week)… too much and you’re accused of being proactively defensive. It’s exhausting. I honestly need to take a break…

        1. You’re right on taking a break. After getting attacked this morning by two people on my comment that came from a completely genuine, caring place, I think it’s time for me to take a break too.

    6. I get that vibe that sometimes people like to be defended by others here. It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s going on with this. I do think some people are just tone-deaf though. Excitedly planning your big vacation to a hotspot in the middle of a pandemic is clueless, but not always malicious.

    7. Idk, a cabin seems pretty social distance friendly to me. Aren’t cabins for being alone in nature?

      1. Yeah, they can be, but some are part of really tourism-heavy areas. Renting a cabin in Vail is so different from renting a cabin in Nowheresville in the Midwest. Vail and other mountain towns had correspondingly huge outbreaks early this year.

    8. I actually think this is a time honored pattern. People fill in the gaps with inaccurate assumptions and then get worked up over the assumptions. It’s just more noticeable with covid because covid is impacting everyone.

      1. And some folks come here just to nit pick–mainly over COVID but about anything at all, no matter how droll or small. I recall a commenter correcting another on whether a groom’s suit was “morning dress” versus a “tux” with respect to the recent royal wedding. They may have been correct but OMG who cares?

      2. I am the person who asked about cabin recommendations and I really wasn’t looking for anyone to defend me. I am a daily reader but usually don’t comment. I literally just wanted recommendations. I didn’t provide all the details because I didn’t think they were relevant. I know the obvious things like to a crowded/touristy area with cabins is more risky than a area that isn’t crowded, like most other people on this board I read the news and know about hot spots and I know not to lick the pump when getting gas. I have already done the risk analysis and have a plan in place to minimize it as much as possible, to myself, high risk family members and people in the area I will end up visiting. I think most reasonable people are doing the same as they go on with their lives and internet strangers aren’t going to make those people change their behavior.

      3. I agree; on some level it’s one of the things that interests me about discussions here. I feel that in my social life and office, people are too polite to tell me what assumptions they are making, but it is interesting to see where people’s minds go.

  8. I got my first iPhone ~3 years ago. How often do people replace theirs? Lately, I have noticed not-great battery life (at times, it is randomly awful; other times, it is fine). Do they just wear out? Previously, I was a Blackberry user, where you could replace the battery when it got tired.

    1. My son is using an iphone 6 I bought for myself in 2015. We had similar battery issues and the Apple store replaced it for $50. It’s totally fine. I don’t know if Apple stores are open for this service right now.

    2. I went 4 years on my 4, then 4.5 years on my 6, but by the end I basically plugged it in any chance I got.

    3. If you are not ready to upgrade to a new phone, you can get a new battery. I don’t know that it’s worth the expense versus upgrading, though. I used the $30 new battery special on an SE and it made a large difference but it was far from having a new phone. I think replacement batters are typically much more expensive.

      Old phone batteries suck for lots of reasons, not just because the battery is old and not as good. The demands from software increase over the years and older batteries can’t keep up, even when new. I hate the upgrade game and try to hold out one year more than I like.

      I think I’ve kept smartphones in general about three years each. Starting in late 2007, I’ve had two Blackberries, an iPhone 4, an iPhone SE, and my current iPhone 11 Pro (almost one year old).

    4. The batteries wear out, for sure. I don’t know if the other hardware wears out necessarily, but it will get worse and worse at keeping up with the demands of the software. When to replace it really depends on your tolerance for lagging performance. I usually upgrade mine every two years, but I’m pretty particular about the camera quality and like to have the best camera I can get.

    5. Depends on what phone you have. I have a 3 year old iPhone 8 Plus and a brand new iPhone XR from work. I don’t notice much of a performance difference. I would compare your current phone to the newer models — the apple website has a tool for this — and decide if the upgrade is worth it for features. If not, get the battery replaced.

  9. I had always assumed that the state public health boards were all run by non-partisan epidemiologists. Just found out that in my best friend’s state (two over from mine), it’s actually run by elected officials who pander to the hard right in that red area. As if I weren’t already depressed about the pandemic, now I know why people “following public health advice” still seem to be seeing much worse outbreaks in their areas…too depressed to find out if it’s run the same way in my state.

    1. Florida’s task force for reopening the economy, which convened in April, included no doctors or epidemiologists. The executive committee of the task force was headed by the state House Speaker (a Republican from Miami) and also included corporate executives from Disney and Publix and other large corporations, but no doctors or epidemiologists.

      1. This, right here, is why everyone needs to use their head and not parrot “I’m following public health guidance in my state.”

  10. Has your shoe size ever changed with weight gain? If so, did it go back after losing it? I’ve gained about 30 pounds in the last 6-7 months (wasn’t/have never been pregnant). I recently ordered a pair of shoes in my usual size for the brand, and…they don’t fit. I mean, they REALLY don’t fit (too small). I went to my closet and started trying on pair after pair and they were all seriously tight or didn’t fit. I haven’t cared about the weight gain, but shoes are my thing and I have an extensive designer collection. I’m so upset!

    1. In college one of my friends lost a fair amount of weight and went down a couple shoe sizes. I inherited some of her shoes.

    2. Yes, when I was at my heaviest I wore a half-size bigger in shoes than I usually need. At about ~20 lbs down, so not a ton tbh, I noticed a lot of my shoes in the bigger size being so loose I was starting to walk out of them. It probably varies a lot depending on your personal weight distribution and water retention issues.

    3. My shoe size has only gone up, never down. It increased with pregnancies and weight gain. I lost weight and the size didn’t decrease. I increased again in width due to foot problems.

      So I used to wear an 8 1/2 (in hindsight, I might have been wearing shoes that fit slightly too small and had to “break them in”) but now I’d be like Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters trying to get my foot into an 8 1/2.

      I’m a 10 wide these days.

    4. Yes. My shoe size went up when I gained weight during and after pregnancy. Then when I lost the weight (after weight loss surgery) all my shoes were falling off and I was back to the original size.

    5. yes, this is def a thing – but it’s also possible your feet have spread out a bit if you’ve just been wearing comfy slippers, flip flops, sneakers etc since March.

      1. oh and in my experience, my feet did shrink back down after losing 25 of the 40 pounds I’d gained. Shoes I’d bought at my heaviest I can now only wear barefoot (too loose & slippery in hose).

  11. Bachelorette spoilers (kind of? rumors? who knows!)

    Anyone tracking the spoiler dramatics out of this season that’s currently in filming? part of me thinks it’s some extra aggressive meddling at the hand of production to drum up drama and all that for this season. Part of me totally’ sees no BS Clare deciding risking time and exposure to all the dudes in a pandemic isn’t worth it so if she really likes one, why not put all eggs in that basket and see where it goes.

    Even if it’s all choreographed click bait, I’m here for it and welcome the drama and distraction!

    1. I just hope it’s Clare’s decision. If she found love and dropped out, I’m happy for her. But I really hope that they didn’t just decide to drop her for marketing reasons. Clare is one of my favorite people to ever appear on that franchise and I loved that a female lead was going to be in her late 30s.

    2. The rumor is she fell for one of the guys and didn’t want to continue with the show. As far as covid, I thought they were essentially all quarantining together in some resort. In the past, the lead has fallen for someone early on but ended up with someone else. I don’t know why she’s not sticking it out. I also wanted to watch someone older/not 22.

  12. I am reporting in to say I just ordered a bunch of cool stamps (dinosaurs! Hot Wheels cars!) plus a Speedy Delivery t-shirt on the USPS web site. It was easy and I felt like I was helping a tiny bit.

    2. Oh, bummer, I thought the Speedy Delivery t-shirt was a Mr. Rogers reference.

      1. Obviously it is, but I was happy to see it on the USPS site as well. No reason you can’t mix your catchphrases, right?

    3. Me too! We were low on Forever stamps anyway. Bought the Moon Landing ones, 19th Amendment, the Gardens of America, one with hearts all over it, and more Snowy Day ones for the holidays because they are just so, so, so cute and dear to me.

    2. Yay for you, but remember that Senior Attorney is right. Social Distancing, b/c you do not know where he has been, and who he has been with. You should be very careful not only for Covid 19, which is the worst, but for any kind of other diseases afterward, b/c even if he tests negative, he may have other maladies that you do not want so keep him away from your body until you have dated exclusively for 6-8 months and vet his history carfully b/f letting him inside you.

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