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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Brooks Brothers has some gorgeous knits this season, but this silk-cashmere sweater really caught my eye. The red/pink flowers really pop on the navy background, and I always like a silk/cashmere combo. It looks like they’ve styled it over this gorgeous fuschia sheath dress.
I would wear this with a midi skirt in a similar color that’s been hanging in my closet waiting to be worn for weeks.
The sweater is $298 at Brooks Brothers and comes in sizes XXS-XL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
How do you wash white sneakers? Can you just throw them in the wash?
anon
I don’t have white sneakers, but I’ve washed my other ones in the machine. I just put them in a laundry bag and air dry. I’ve heard of using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to them, but I would test it on a small spot first.
Anonymous
I use the magic eraser on mine. It works well enough but after awhile my white sneakers are never fully clean and white again.
Anon
This is from a blogger i follow and it does work:
Soak your white sneakers in a diluted mixture of Mrs. Stewart’s Blueing Liquid overnight.
Scrub your shoes (canvas and soles) with a stiff brush. Toss in the washing machine with a regular load of laundry. Dry in the sun!
Anon
+1 – liquid bluing is fantastic.
Anonymous
What material are they?
Don’t put leather in the washing machine, other materials might be fine.
I use the erasers on the soles, they work well for dirt, but not yellowing.
There are some great youtube tutorials from serious sneaker collectors.
Senior Attorney
I have had success putting my leather sneakers in the washer and letting them dry in the sun.
Ses
+1, this is how I clean my white leather sneakers. I put them in a wash bag on delicate.
Anon
I throw my On Clouds in the washer with white towels and Oxy Clean.
Lexi
I wash my white leather sneakers with an Oxyclean solution and scrub brush. Wipe and scrub. Let the laces soak in oxyclean solution before putting in a lingerie bag and throwing in with the towels. I’ve had them 2 years and they’re still white.
Anon
Depends on the sneaker and what they’re made of. The last sneakers I washed recommended the delicate cycle in a pillowcase, with the insoles and laces removed.
Anon
Has anyone actually been able to gain muscle lbs and if so how much? I have been lifting heavy with a trainer since 5 months and watching my protein etc and the scale only moved 2 lbs if that.
Kitchen Remodel
How are you measuring the muscle gain? Have you gotten a DEXA scan, bod pod, or are you taking measurements that can show muscle growth? If you’re only using the scale (or electro measurements at the gym), it’s possible that you’re converting some of your fat into muscle, which isn’t going to show up as gained weight.
Also – are you lifting heavier than you were? If so, you’ve likely gained muscle. How are you feeling?
Anonymous
As an easy and low tech way of measuring muscle gains, you can just do tape measure measurements – upper arms, thighs, hips, waist and chest. Muscle is more dense than fat, so even if the number on the scale hasn’t changed much, if your measurements are going down, you’ve gained muscle and lost fat. (It’s not really “converted” directly, but your body composition has changed nonetheless)
But yeah, if you’ve increased the weight you’re lifting, you’ve gained muscle. Are you trying to gain weight in general? My understanding is that there’s a cap on the amount of muscle mass a body of a certain weight can maintain; that’s why there are weight classes in power lifting and the people who can lift the most are the largest. At a certain point you have to gain fat to keep gaining muscle.
Anon
Fat doesn’t convert into muscle.
Kitchen Remodel
I could have been more specific – the body mass you have (static weight) is from losing fat and increasing muscle. I think you know what I meant.
Anonymous
I thought you could only gain muscle by being in a bulk, with a lot of extra calories daily, consistently high protein, no alcohol, etc. (Not maintenance or a cut.) Also by lifting really heavy (hypertrophy). Is your trainer helping you with those things?
Anonymous
That’s absolutely not the only way to gain muscle. Those things might help or accelerate, but it’s not the “only” way.
BeenThatGuy
I don’t know what type of scale you have but measuring muscle gain on a scale isn’t your best bet. DEXA scan or a low budget tape measure is the way to go. For the last year, I’ve been focused on building muscle. My weight is exactly the same but I’ve gone from a size 10 to a size 6. I also had a DEXA scan when I started and plan to have another in the next few months (only because I like the data; I already know I have more muscle).
Anon
People here keep mentioning these scans. They are xrays, no? And I’ve previously only heard of them used if you are an older woman (to check for medically thin bone conditions) or if there is a medical concern. You can just get them?
Anon
Yes, you can just get them. I have heard (myself included) that many thin women actually have thining bones fairly young, so it’s probably a good idea to get them earlier than doctors recommend. Or at the very least you will have a baseline for when you are older. And a side benefit is you can keep track of muscle mass if you are lifting.
Anon
Yes, they are x-rays (very low dose as x-rays go). Yes, you can just get them. DEXA technology is used a lot to look for osteoporosis and osteopenia, but it can be used to check body composition generally (I think it may take a little longer).
A lot of people feel that body composition DEXA should be used more medically than it is (for example instead of BMI when monitoring serious endocrine conditions).
Anon
Yes, they are xrays. And no…. people are not getting them regularly to check their body composition. This poster is a outlier. No doctor would order this and no health insurance would pay for this for this person. The poster is going out on their own and paying out of pocket as a hobby. Seems like a risky hobby… extra xrays. But whatever.
I do agree that many women develop osteoporosis/osteopenia way before age 65, when the general recommendation for your first DEXA screening test in women. At a minimum, if you have a family history of osteoporosis or are higher risk (talk to your PCP to screen you), I would definitely get a DEXA by menopause. I pushed for one when I was perimenopausal, as both of my parents had osteoporosis and I am at risk due to my body type/race etc.. and I already have osteopenia. It is good to know as I am more careful about my calcium/vitamin D intake now and they type of exercise I do.
Anon
I think it depends on if you’re bulking or recomping. I’m recomping and everything I’ve read says it’s slooooww.
I lost about 10 lbs in 6 months. I put on maybe only about 2 lbs of muscle in that time.
I actually ask a lot of specifics to ChatGPT and find that helpful. It told me (as well as other corners of the internet) that .5 lb-2 lbs a month is the range. I assume the upper end of the range is if you’re bulking.
My doctor told me 100 g of protein on a mad day. I’m aiming for more like 130 g a day.
Keep at it, measure and or get periodic dexa scans.
Anon
A mad day but also a bad day. :)
Anon
Well 130g of protein seems like a “mad day” to me. No normal woman eats this much protein. Hope your kidneys can take it! Glad you have a doctor following you.
Anon
I only ever hear about obsessive protein intake (or overconsumption) on here. It’s not a thing in my real world group of women friends and coworkers from 40s-60s.
Maybe this is the place for “overachieving chicks” mostly when it comes to protein.
Anon
I think it really depends how well someone is digesting the protein they eat (remember that some people produce less stomach acid because of meds or aging).
Also I find it hard to hit choline RDAs without eating a lot of protein. Not getting enough choline is a risk factor for my liver, so I guess my kidneys will have to deal.
Anon
When you’re building muscle it’s important to eat a lot of protein.
I’m no expert in this but a lot of research supports this.
My doctor also suggested it as I mentioned and my labs are done regularly.
Anon
Well, when you have to monitor every calorie you eat and supplement artificially and somehow hope to not only eat 130g of protein (!!) but somehow get the recommended amount of fiber, fruits and vegetables and other micronutrients for a balanced diet needs….. it just makes my stomach explode, or so constipated I can’t quite imagine it.
Of course it’s better than McDonald’s, and maybe you are a semi-pro athlete muscle builder, but it is really disingenuous to discuss these extreme behaviors as if they are commonplace or normal.
And no one should be getting periodic DEXA scans just to monitor their ?muscle. This is more than inappropriate.
anon
how concerned would you be if your teenager basically never has social plans? I’m 99p sure he’s fine in class, has kids he’s friendly with/ eats lunch with people and he was invited to bar mitzahs, birthday parties etc but just those regular hang out/ sleep over/ go to the movies or mall/ my parents got tickets to a baseball game wanna come stuff happens very very rarely (like once or twice a year). He’s in ninth grade, doesn’t seem depressed or concerned. also for what it’s worth he seems (to me) to be a pretty conventional, mainstream kid (like sports, good student, normally attractive). please just don’t respond if your impulse is to tell me that i shouldn’t have feelings about my kid’s social life.
Cb
I teach first year university students (who in my country are often 17) and this feels pretty normal. They don’t go out out as much as we did, and their social lives are much more focused on their phones. This is especially true for students who aren’t big drinkers, etc. Could you make your house more open to hang outs and encourage them to do invites? Could they just be more introverted?
Anon
Not the OP but thanks for this. I have a kid who is like the OP’s in not having plans, but has not had a friend since early in grade school (so years before COVID). Is fine-to-delightful and charming in family situations, but has autism, so big groups are just overwhelming. I wish she could get back to having a deep friendship because I could see how it just lit her up from within. And yet I can’t just conjure this up, so praying that we find a college setting where this could occur (for a kid who likely won’t go to the most competitive college, but is serious about schooling and does B+ work in hard courses).
Lydia
I’m also a college professor (in the US, all undergrads) and I see a lot of kids like this who really blossom in college. I’d look for a SLAC, especially a quirky one.
Anonymous
+1 million for a SLAC. A residential college is the best and easiest place to make friends.
Anon
Thank you for writing this. I am in the exact same boat — I have a wonderful, charming 8th grader, who seems happy and has school buds. But he hasn’t been invited to any bar/bat mitzvahs last year or this year (a big thing around here), and he doesn’t have the kinds of regular hang outs that other kids seem to have.
The reason I’m thanking you for writing this is 1. it makes me feel a little less alone in my worries; and 2. it makes me think that perhaps this is much more common and less worrisome than it feels to me.
In any case, I don’t have advice but am eagerly reading the responses, and I just wanted to reach out from one parent in the same boat to another.
Anonymous
i’m not OP (or either of the 2 posters) but my 13yo son is like this – no really close friends, not a lot of plans. at his most social he was in a dischord group with other boys and spent a good chunk of each evening screaming over headsets with them while they were playing Among Us or other multi-player computer games. it bothers me and DH also, so it’s good to hear we’re not the only ones.
Sunshine
This sounds like me in high school. I’m a social introvert. I had friends who I enjoyed seeing at school, but I was done socializing at the end of the school days. I had minimal interest in hanging out with friends in the evenings or on weekends. As a 45-year-old adult, I am happily married and have an incredible group of close friends who I enjoy seeing regularlly for coffee dates or similar. I also have a large group of less close friends who I see a few times per year. But I don’t do events like “girls trips” or bacheloret-te weekends because they’re just more togetherness than I enjoy.
Anonymous
I have two daughters (a junior and an 8th grader). This sounds exactly like their social lives, though the older one has started to go to lunch with friends on weekends now that some of them are driving. My husband and I (90s kids) are constantly asking if they want to make plans with friends on weekends, and they seem to have no interest. They only seem to have plans if it’s a bigger event like a bat mitzvah or a 16th birthday, etc. It’s so foreign to me, but I think this is what kids are like now.
Anonymous
And, for context, I live in the city and they can easily get together with most of their friends using public transportation (with no parental involvement).
Anon
I wish that, but when we’ve tried to have the kids to to a fun evening area that is very safe and just sort of have grownups to to a restaurant while the kids roamed around, even the hippy parents we know were not willing to try. These kids were middle-schoolers then and are in high school now and in 2 years will be away in college.
Anon
I have a kiddo turning 16 next month. It should be a huge time — party, passing driving test, etc. Instead, she won’t even go to Halloween things but will hand out candy at home. Only a few acquaintances have advanced to having a permit even. OTOH, there is one “friend” who is a bad influence, so at least they only interact in class at school. But still. I see what she’s missing but I feel like kids just aren’t aware of what a deep friendship can add. Either kids are busy doing things for the ‘gram or are just texting or exchanging memes, so hitting the extremes without the center.
Anonymous
My daughter refused to have a 16th birthday party and it came out months later that it was because she was being bullied. Just something to consider.
She ended up having a fun party with her closest friends for her 17th birthday and it was great.
LawDawg
This was my son. He is now 25 and loves taking road trip vacations on his own (disc golfing, camping, hiking). He also has a small group of friends he hangs out with regularly, but he has never wanted or needed a huge social life. He isn’t an introvert, just a person who is perfectly fine on his own. Watch to make sure that he remains perfectly fine, but don’t force him to be someone he isn’t.
Anon
Your son sounds quite different – he “regularly” hangs out with friends and OP’s “never” does. Not analogous.
Senior Attorney
Reading comprehension fail, maybe? She said “this WAS my son,” and NOW, at 25, he is hanging out with friends. So…
LawDawg
Thank you. And you are correct. No social life to speak of in high school, but would interact with people if he ran into them at an event. At 25, he has a comfortable split of hanging with himself and getting together with friends.
Anon
I would be concerned with a teenager “never” having social plans. While it’s increasingly common for teens to make fewer in-person plans (yay screen time!), I wouldn’t say it’s normal or beneficial. Even introverts should have a few good friends to hang out with outside of school.
Anon
If he’s consistently going to birthday parties and bar mitzvahs, he doesn’t “never” have plans though.
smurf
do you monitor his phone use / is he connecting with friends over text/social media? or not at all outside of school?
is he in any activities? a lot of hang outs are driven by that (get togethers before/after practice, rehearsal, etc. and might help him find deeper friendships)
that said, I think it is more normal for this generation but it’s also concerning.
Anon
Yeah, I also wondered if all his socialization is taking place online.
Anon
+1
Anon
Slightly off-topic, but have any of you with teens had any sleep-away camp experience with co-ed bunk houses? I had enough life experience where I feel that a sleeping woman is just so vulnerable, never mind a sleeping teen among teen boys and young-adult counselors. I get that these are offered at some camps out of a wish to include more kids who don’t want a label, but it just seems like even with the best of intentions, screening, and training, it could go so, so wrong (and likely for the female teens or young adults). I don’t think I could sleep comfortably like that.
anon
is this a real post? no i have absolutely never heard of a sleep away camp with co-ed bunks. not even for staff.
Anon
I was looking for camps for neurodivergent teens and ran across this. My ND kid is years behind peers in social skills and knowing what is appropriate, so if I assumed the worst,,it would be pretty bad. And while I’d have welcomed trying to go to a camp like this before clicking, I just had such a visceral reaction to how it would work with showers, toilets, sleeping, and with young adults watching over them that I just never pursued it.
Anon
Yes, it’s happened in a few places without parental consent and there have been lawsuits. It’s a real safeguarding violation.
Anon
I read one sleep-away camp’s paperwork and it had a lengthy section on s*xual activity and “acting out,” so I’m assuming that both are in there for valid reasons. Even if kids aren’t actively assaulted, if they have too many alone-opportunities, mere curiosity can get them in trouble they aren’t equipped to handle (doubly-so if any of the kids are maybe one age chronologically but much younger developmentally). I know that these kids will all be away at college in a few years, but it seems that we all know stories of nights out that went horribly wrong and even for adults, that sh*t has a very long tail.
Anon
So I assume this isn’t what you’re asking, but when I did camp counsellor training, they ran out of bunks so we had a co-ed tent (for 10 counsellors in training, we were 16-17). That was of course the year I got my first boyfriend and it was certainly an education, and I wasn’t the only one (all 100% consensual, at least on my end, and all in all not a bad experience). I feel like maybe teens these days are different but it’s still not what I would want for my kid, especially if we are talking younger kids.
Anonymous
Mandatory would never be okay but I can see reasons why there would be options. My oldest attends a city camp that includes an overnight camping trip. The options for tents are solo, two sharing same gender, quad sharing co-ed. If she was closer in age with her brothers or cousins and it was a week that they didn’t know anyone, I could see them asking to share. Kids mostly seem to pick shared same gender and I expect that the counsellors would not have the quad co-ed be like 3 guys and 1 girl unless they were a family group.
Anonymous
My son’s camp does, at least it has thus far – he is 12; I’m not sure if it is different for older kids. This is a camp where a lot of kids identify as nonbinary/gender fluid/etc. They have private 1-person changing rooms in the cabins that everyone uses, and multiple counselors of multiple genders sleep in the bunks with the kids. It doesn’t bother me or my son. I was a camp counselor, and I would worry more about things happening when kids go off on their own alone rather than what would happen under the noses of counselors in a bunk.
Anonymous
PS – shower stalls are also private
Anon
I can see where could be OK if everyone affirmatively chooses this and since there is likely to be no alcohol, but I wouldn’t choose it for a girl (or a person with female parts). I don’t know the others in the cabin and would just be hoping and praying for the best outcomes.
I think if it were all known people (family, cousins, kids on a team together), it might be different than with total strangers.
Anon
I would not be ok with male counselors sharing intimate space and having responsibility for young female campers overnight. Nope, nope, nope. Any camp that made that mandatory would be off-limits for our family.
Anon
I know things sometimes went very wrong for people my age when we were young, so it would bother me.
Anonymous
That is insane. The only situation in which I can see this working is if you had a “born female but identify as something else” and a “born male but identify as something else” cabin limited JUST to those students so they wouldn’t have to be in the regular female and male cabins, but I wouldn’t combine students of different biological sexes no matter what and I wouldn’t put any student in that cabin who didn’t request it.
My daughter attends a college where dorm floors are single-sex and opposite-sex visitors are not permitted on the floor after a certain hour. She has had a much smoother and more pleasant experience with dorm living than I did or any of her friends at other colleges who live on coed dorm floors have had. No conflicts with roommates who want their boyfriends to sleep over, no coming back from the shower in your bathrobe to find a bunch of guys in your room, etc. We didn’t even know about the single-sex floors when she chose the college, and I didn’t know such a thing even existed these days, but boy am I glad about it.
Anonymous
I was like this in high school until I was able to drive myself places.
Anon
I’ve got an 8th grader and all of the parents talk about how the boys (and girls to a lesser extent) need to be prodded to make IRL plans. Like, I (and other parents) literally have had conversations that are some variation of ‘It is Wednesday, why don’t you text a few friends to see who is around this weekend, there is a game/fair/festival and we can drive you over/pick you up, or we can have friends here on Friday/Saturday night.’
It seems to be a combo of more life being lived on line, them being used to parents arranging their social lives, and not being used to making plans (being inside more) due to covid.
The more I treat it like a skill the better my kid seems to get at it. Also I will sometimes send side texts to parents like ‘hey, hear the kids want to get together this weekend, I can drive them if that helps!’. It’s a tough age – they can’t drive and many neighborhoods aren’t super walkable so the organic meet ups aren’t happening.
Anon
This is so crazy to me – how did things change so much in just a short time? I (a millennial) and all my friends growing up NEVER relied on parents to make plans and a lot of plans were against parental wishes. It was 100% the norm, from the least social kids to the most. Could it really be screentime affecting things so drastically?
Anon
I’m an ‘elder millenial’ and we got paper class lists all through K-8. I remember my mom telling me when I was bored to call my friend’s house and ask if I could come over. Those skills do have to be taught at some point even if you don’t recall learning.
I was also taught the magic phrase of ‘my mom says she can drive us there if your mom can drive us back’ pretty early. It’s just harder to find spaces to hang out – lots of malls, parks, and movie theaters are banning teens from being there solo.
Anon
The lack of landlines has been a real killer in terms of kids making their own social plans. Beginning around age 5, I had to call friends on their home phones and request a play date myself. Now no one has landlines, so I still have to contact the parents of my second grader’s friends for play dates.
anonnn
Yes and all my 2nd graders’ friends are so busy with scouts and soccer and dance and everything! I can barely coordinate my own life. I was looking up how to cheaply get a landline last week.
SC
I’m an elder millennial, and I remember knocking on the neighbor’s door asking if she could play as young as 4 years old. At a certain point needing my parents to drive me places, and I’m sure the moms had side conversations about sleepover logistics, but I remember the kids doing the initial planning/ asking permission.
I have a 9 year old, and I see significant differences from my childhood. It’s not just “screentime”–I had way more screentime as a kid than he gets. But he doesn’t have a phone, or access to a landline phone. None of his friends have phones or access to a landline. We don’t live in a neighborhood where he can knock on doors or ride bikes around, and the other kids who live nearby are constantly in organized activities. I don’t know how I’d expect him to make plans now, so it probably won’t feel normal to him as a teenager. I will say that DS is motivated to hang out with other kids outside of school. He’ll ask us when so-and-so can come over. And he arranged for DH to exchange numbers with a friend’s mom at pickup one day so the parents could arrange a playdate.
Anon
Don’t borrow trouble. He’s fine.
Anon
IKD — I have teens and I’d say that since COVID, teens too young to drive have just spiraled down in their mental health and for all schools’ talk of social and emotional learning, it ain’t happening that I can see. My kids are so hungry to be involved in something outside of themselves that they will volunteer at anything if it is likely to be interactive with their peers (and yet, they won’t make plans any other way unless it is for other organized group activities, like orchestra practice or a club at school). Even if my kid wants to make a plan, it seems wildly foreign at this point to any of the other kids they know (and don’t even get me started on parents who show up to a meet-up an hour late or go unreachable).
Anonymous
Could you do something like buy baseball game tix and have him invite a friend? My experience is that this stuff is very two-way and might just need some initiating.
anon
op here. yes. i will buy tickets and then he invites someone (and for what it’s worth they seem engaged and the other kid seems happy to have been invited) but he’s in ninth grade!!! shouldn’t he want to be out of the house? anywhere but where i am?!?!
former junior associate
For what this is worth, I was more social than your son as a kid, but I was really happy to spend lots of time hanging out at home through at least the summer after 10th grade. I think you’ve gotten good advice overall from others, and my own take is that this could be nothing (a kid who finds his people in college, maybe will always be more of an introvert, whatever) or could be something to pay more attention but, but I wouldn’t necessarily worry about the “Shouldn’t he just want to get the heck away from me?” aspect of it too much.
Anon
Yeah…. I remember when my brother was that age, he would grab his bicycle as soon as he got home and ride off with a friend or two. It almost didn’t matter where. They just hung out talking and riding. Being together was enough.
But what… are 9th grade kids not allowed to ride bikes alone anymore?
Anonymous
Mother of a son who was like this; his sisters essentially forced him to go to prom; he chose not to do his school’s lock in on Graduation night, etc. Here were are, ten years later, he has a college degree and a masters; and now a fiancee who is the absolute bomb – smart as all heck; PhD in a helping profession, kind, and just lovely. I swear I thought this kid was going to live in my basement playing D & D when he was 30. Now, he’s just great. He found his people at college. Hang in there; stay tuned for any changes, but he sounds like a terrific kid to me.
Anon
Just curious — where did he go to college? Everything in our area is a giant party school, so IDK how the non-party people find each other.
Anonymous
At a big school there is always a non-party scene to be found. You make friends with the people who are left in the dorm when the partiers go out. Or through activities, classes, Bible study, whatever.
Also, kids don’t have to go to a big state school even if finances are an issue. If you go far enough down in the rankings that your grades and SAT scores are significantly above average for the school, you can get merit aid to attend a SLAC. If your kid has decent stats, those schools will still be very good.
Anon
Yeah, I work at a public university and we have an honors college and learning communities that people say mirror the SLAC experience. I’m sure it’s not the same, but I do think there’s some similarity and it’s definitely possible for introverted non-partiers to find their people.
Anon
It seems pretty normal to me — if he’s invited to birthday parties he has friends.
Also, as someone who really, truly only had one friend in high school, like I literally never interacted with anyone except this one girl except in a classroom setting, I turned out fine. High school wasn’t the best but honestly wasn’t terrible. My one friend and I had a lot of fun and no one bullied or picked on us. I made a lot more friends in college though still maintained a relatively small circle of best friends.
planes
When I was in ninth grade, I had a ton of school friends, but was terrified to ask if they wanted to hang out outside school. I lived outside of town, so it was a bit complicated for me to hang out as I needed to arrange a ride, and leaping that hurdle was hard for me. I was also shy and not one to lead a group into something. Every Friday I would imagine asking them “what are you up to tonight, want to hang out?” and just never could! I grew out of it, and turned out totally fine, although even today I would not typically describe myself as a maker of plans or a huge social person. I prefer one on one or small groups. So all of this to say, I am sure he is fine, but you might consider seeing if the logistics of it all (or some other boundary that isn’t really a problem) are what is stopping him. Perhaps you could help facilitate, by buying tickets or something.
Trixie
There is so much posted here about HS kids and their social lives….here is an inspirational story.
My son, who is now 35, had no friends in middle school or 3/4 of high school. He was bullied so much in 8th grade that we home schooled him. He was/is on the spectrum. He was strong academically, played no sports, played video games and watched tv as much as he could get away with. He was 75 pounds overweight, and never went anywhere except for school. His senior year, he had two friends that he did things with, after he could drive. After high school he went to RIT for his undergrad and a master’s degree in electrical engineering. Over the course of his undergrad years, he lost 75 pounds, got a nicer haircut, read about men’s wardrobes and bought clothes, and was captain of the electric car team for RIT in his senior year. He told us that he was not getting the interviews he wanted for his RIT co-ops, so he was going to pull up his GPA. He interned at Google, and was a TA during his master’s degree. From RIT he went to SpaceX for 8 years, worked on rockets as well as the Starlink project, took a break (much needed after SpaceX) and now works at an electric boat start up.
I despaired that he would never leave the home, worried that he would flunk out of college because he could not cut it socially, wondered if he would live with us forever.
And this turnaround? It had nothing to do with us, his parents. He just got himself together and grew up. And now, at age 35, he has his first girlfriend. Age 35. He loves to snowboard, mountain bike, try new foods, travel, and watch movies. He still loves tv and video games–oh well!
So all of us with neurodivergent kids, or odd kids, or loner kids–hang in there. Believe in them, and see what happens over time.
Anon
I want to take a moment to name Amber Nicole Thurman, a young woman and mother of one who died in Georgia due to the state’s anti-abortion law that denied her a lifesaving D&C for retained fetal tissue after she had obtained an abortion out of state. Women are dying – we knew they would. We need to share their stories and name them so people “on the fence” understand what’s really happening here. There will always be some extremists who simply don’t care, or are even glad, that young unmarried women of color are dying, but there are also a lot of people who have put their heads in the sand about the risks to women’s lives.
https://www.propublica.org/article/georgia-abortion-ban-amber-thurman-death
Anon
Actually, the law permitted the doctors to help her; this was malpractice and not the result of an anti-abortion law. Please check the relevant state law before posting things like this!
Anon
The doctors acted the way they did because of fear of consequences from the very law you are shifting blame from. This is exactly what is going to keep on happening – Idaho has dozens of similar stories of doctors operating in fear and not knowing the boundaries of the law.
anonshmanon
Because the laws are written intentionally vague, in order to make medical providers scared of violations. The chilling effect is intentional, not accidental.
Anonymous
THIS
Anonymous
THIS
Anon
Of course this was the result of an anti abortion law. Amber had to travel out of state to even get the medication to terminate her pregnancy in the first place. Don’t be obtuse.
Anon
I thought that a network of volunteers were mailing medications where needed. Not as advertised (I think I heard a story on NPR)?
Abcd
Some do but 1 in 5 abortion patients are traveling across state lines to get in clinic care now
Online medication abortion is a great option but it’s not everyone’s desire for health care.
Source: guttmacher
Anon
What do you though — drive somewhere and stay in a hotel for a week in case things don’t go as planned? I think no one watches you after you get the medicine, yes? Or how does that really work?
Anon
Yes, no one watches you after. You go home, and hope for the best.
Anon
Actually, please read about the chilling effects of these kinds of laws before weighing in to defend them!
Anon
This was the predicted effect of the law and is absolutely the result of the law.
Anon
For lots of people on the right, this is a feature not a bug.
anon
Please don’t insult our intelligence! “The law allowed the abortion, actually, it was malpractice that killed her!” is nothing more than a blame-shifting tactic that anti-choicers are workshopping to avoid taking responsibility for the predictable impacts of the laws they support.
Anon
Agreed. You want to be anti-abortion? Own the reality. THIS is the reality. Ask yourself if that’s who you want to be and if it is, then live with it honestly.
Anon
Just don’t. This is an awful, predictable consequence of the systems that are being put in place.
Roxie
wild that a young mom is dead and this is your response. Hope you’re proud of yourself.
Anonymous
I’m impressed we didn’t get a “thoughts and prayers” or “not the time to politicize it”.
Anon
Thank you for sharing this, what a devastating story.
Anonymous
+1 how awful for her family and especially her son.
Anon
What am I not understanding — if you have a + HGC test but no fetal heartbeat past a certain point, isn’t it pretty conclusive that the pregnancy isn’t viable? That’s how it was when I had a miscarriage — heartbeat was there, then it wasn’t and we re-checked the heartbeat again later just to confirm it was gone (abundance of caution on my part — first pregnancy; second miscarriage had bleeding and I didn’t doubt for a minute that the baby was gone).
Anon
Yes, definitely. But (from the article), the legal language was murky enough for doctors to be unclear:
In interviews with more than three dozen OB-GYNs in states that outlawed abortion, ProPublica learned how difficult it is to interpret the vague and conflicting language in bans’ medical exceptions — especially, the doctors said, when their judgment could be called into question under the threat of prison time.
Take the language in Georgia’s supposed lifesaving exceptions.
It prohibits doctors from using any instrument “with the purpose of terminating a pregnancy.” While removing fetal tissue is not terminating a pregnancy, medically speaking, the law only specifies it’s not considered an abortion to remove “a dead unborn child” that resulted from a “spontaneous abortion” defined as “naturally occurring” from a miscarriage or a stillbirth.
Thurman had told doctors her miscarriage was not spontaneous — it was the result of taking pills to terminate her pregnancy.
There is also an exception, included in most bans, to allow abortions “necessary in order to prevent the death of the pregnant woman or the substantial and irreversible physical impairment of a major bodily function.” There is no standard protocol for how providers should interpret such language, doctors said. How can they be sure a jury with no medical experience would agree that intervening was “necessary”?
Anonymous
I’d bet that hospital lawyers are taking the most conservative reading of that and advising doctors accordingly.
And don’t get me started on all the surprise-we’re-Catholic hospitals.
Seventh Sister
I have been shouting into the wilderness for years about “surprise-we’re-Catholic” hospitals. Women ought to know right up front rather than finding out mid-pregnancy that wait! you can’t get your tubes tied, etc. Our local Catholic hospital is very coy about it – you have to search and search for the info on their website.
Anon
The problem is not risk tolerance, and the solution is not physicians being happy to be sued, charged, or lose their licenses. These are intentionally vague laws.
Anonymous
Is Paprika worth the money? I’d want both the app and the desktop program ($30). What are your favorite clever/cool things Paprika does?
Anonymous
No paprika is the worst spice. Tastes of nothing
Anon
Ha! Thanks for the Tuesday chuckle.
Anon
Please tell that to my husband who can’t eat eggs without piling paprika on top … I don’t get it.
Anon
I think you haven’t had good paprika!
Anonymous
Ha.
But seriously – You are using a trash version, then. Get some better paprika.
Anonymous
Heh, not the orginal threadjacker, but +1 for not enjoying dried paprika as a spice. I can taste it fine, I just don’t enjoy it.
Smoked paprika is the only spice I actively avoid, though. I have tried, but given up on that one.
Anon
You’re not going to get much out of paprika if you use 1/2 tsp in a recipe for 4 or whatever. It’s one where quantity counts, as well as quality. Use like a tablespoon.
I learned the hard way not to do this with smoked paprika, though! A little goes a long way with that one.
Get some fresh paprika and make something like Paprika Chicken. Delicious!
Anonymous
lol – not a huge fan but it has its place. but we have at least three kinds of paprika in the house: regular paprika, smoked paprika, and sweet paprika — so maybe you’re using the wrong type in your recipes?
Anonymous
Following — I’ve been considering as well, and am looking into how it is better than other (cheaper) apps. Also, OP, it seems Paprika often goes on 50% off Black Friday sale.
Anonymous
ooooh thanks for this! do you have to buy multiple copies if you have a work and home computer?
Senior Attorney
Yes, but trust me, it’s worth it.
Anon
I Love Paprika and would absolutely pay again (have it on multiple devices but not (I think) desktop, iPad is my device of choice). My favorite thing it does is scale recipes and the ingest of recipes is really easy. I also like that I can share a recipe in a variety of ways from original website link to text, etc.
anon a mouse
Yes! I have both the phone and the desktop and it’s worth the money. I love the way that I can make grocery lists for different stores – helpful after I’ve meal planned and then want to shop the sales – it’s easy to move items from one to another.
It’s the first method I’ve found (and I have tried a lot!) that holds all of my recipes from both online and my cookbooks. Granted I had to manually enter in the cookbooks, but it’s worth it. Also easy to search if you have an ingredient and want to know what you can make with it — it will pull up all of the recipes that use it.
I also rely on it for holiday menus – I set up a separate category for the things I make only at Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, and I can keep notes about any tweaks from year to year. Also super helpful for scaling up to make a double batch of something.
And (shhh) but if you don’t subscribe to the NY cooking site but put in the URL of a recipe, Paprika will scrape the ingredients list and directions for you. I don’t expect that to last, but it works for now.
(and to the earlier poster, get some Penzeys smoked paprika. That stuff is simply incredible.)
Anon
I love Paprika. I store all the recipes I find online there. It skips the “when I was a kid, bananas were &10…” garbage and pulls down the recipe on a readable format. When I’m cooking, it keeps my phone from going to sleep for longer so that I can stay on the page as I’m assembling ingredients or whatever.
There are features where you plan meals on a calendar, and it adds the ingredients to a shopping list. I found this helpful when I was doing meal planning.
I especially like that I can share a recipe within a text in Paprika format so that my friend also does not have to wade through the when I was a kid bananas story.
Anon
Another feature I love about Paprika, is that it works with the Safari browser on my phone (not Google), such that if I hit the share arrow at the bottom of the screen, the one you’d usually use to text a link to someone, one of the options is Paprika, and it will download the recipe from there.
Senior Attorney
Yes! I have paid for it for my phone, my home computer, and my work computer — that’s how much I love it. I LOVE that I can have my recipes and grocery list on my person when I go to the store, I love that I don’t have to print out the recipes if I don’t want to. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I can scale recipes up or down automatically.
Anon
And the shopping list it generates, if you use that feature, is by grocery store aisle, so you’re not pinging around the grocery store trying to find all the things one recipe at a time!
SC
Yes! My husband and I have used it for probably 5 years. Both of us save recipes to it. We use it for meal planning, making the grocery list, and remembering what we planned to cook.
Anon318
Recs for workout leggings? My 12-year-old LLL Align leggings have finally bit the dust. Ideally I’m looking for 3/4 length for use in weightlifting, metcon workouts, and the occasional run. Thank you!
Anonymous
Sweaty Betty have worn like iron for me
Laura
Love Sweaty Betty – they hold up so well.
Anon
Target’s offerings have always been really good bang for the buck.
anon
there’s some old navy haters on this board but i think their stuff holds up pretty well, is cute/ on trend and i only buy it when they offer a 50% off sale which happens pretty often.
H13
+1 I like my Old Navy workout gear as much as anything else I own.
Been There
Agreed. I wear my ON weekly for barre classes and they have held up very well.
Anonymous
agree, I prefer Old Navy to Zella or Athleta.
Cat
I like the Zella 7-8th length leggings.
Anonymous
My favorite for running are Oiselle pocket joggers. They are pretty thick and take a while to dry though.
Anon
If your Lulu has lasted 12 years, why not just buy more of what you like? My favorite is the Wondertrain, which I use for exactly the activity you describe. I do like the Align too, but I think WT is better for sweaty workouts.
Anon
I agree, 12 years is a long time!
Anonymous
Today’s Aligns are not as high-quality as those sold a few years ago.
Anon
Yoga teacher here, so I’ve road-tested a bunch. Here is my anecdotal review, written in order of liked-to-less-liked:
Zella 7/8 leggings last and are not see-through.
Old Navy 7/8 powersoft are surprisingly durable and low-cost.
Athleta are nice and thick but have stretched out over time for me.
Target (Joylab brand) are decent but can be/get see-through.
Threads 4 Thought have lasted and are recycled; so are Girlfriend Collective.
Gaiam and Beyond Yoga stretch out after a while.
Haven’t tried Sweaty Betty, UnderArmor, or Uniqlo.
Anon
For those of you who work out in leggings / bike-type shorts — are there less sweaty ones? I am generally not a sweaty person but my seat area can sweat with the best of them. Heavy exercising in leggings or bike shorts that aren’t black or don’t have a very busy pattern makes for a very noticable corona of dampness. I wouldn’t want to sit on anything that isn’t a towel. It just feels so gross. And yet, they are sold for exercising. For me, maybe they work in winter or I’m just buying the wrong ones. Is there anything that works or are leggings really just for yoga and strolling to brunch?
Anonymous
UA Heatgear is a thinner material. I definitely find them more comfortable in summer, but I don’t have the same issue you mention.
Anonymous
I only wear black ones for this reason.
Anon
I run in Fast and Frees in the summer as a reasonably heavy sweater and do not find the placement / size of my sweat marks to be embarrassing in them.
Anon
How do you choose an IVF clinic? Just go to the one affiliated with your gyn? Do you look at the stats? (I did; they all look equally dismal.) What about the more “commercial” ones that advertise? Read the online reviews? (I did; they all seem positive with a sprinkling of “Nurse Judy was so rude!”)
We recently moved, so I don’t have anyone I can ask.
Anon NYC
I’d source through the internet. If you’re comfortable, share your location here for recommendations. There also may be a Facebook group for related to fertility and your location.
Anonymous
1) I looked at the SART stats, but with a critical eye and in the context of more research. For example, I learned that the clinics in my city with the “best” stats refused to take/counseled out more difficult cases – likely for the purpose of making those stats look so good.
2) I looked at the specific interests of the doctors. I didn’t have a diagnosis yet at this point (well, I never got a precise diagnosis), but my gyn had some early ideas of what was going wrong, so it was helpful to zero in on a doctor with those issues as a particular interest.
3) After narrowing it down, I looked at flexibility. I had a very busy job with some travel. The clinic I ended up choosing was willing to do some hours flexing, etc. to accommodate scheduling difficulties. I will always be grateful to the nurse who kept the doors open for 10 extra minutes while I fought traffic to get an extra dose of meds, and the one who met me 15 minutes earlier than opening for a monitoring appointment so I could make a flight.
Anonymous
#2 – I used a local clinic, but after a cycle that fell short of the outcomes I wanted, I took my diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve) to the guy known nationally for my condition several states away for a consult, got a “recipe” from him to use locally, and went from 2 frozen eggs to 8 in the next cycle.
Anon
Word of mouth, mostly. I would recommend NOT just going to the one affiliated with your OB without doing prior research. I did that and it was not a good move. A little homework upfront would have alerted me to the issues because it wasn’t hard for me to find a community of women in my network who all had extremely similar experiences after the fact. Years were wasted, quite literally, and the “bedside manner” was horrific. It wasn’t until I switched clinics that I realized just how awful my experience was. And, my first clinic was part of a huge, nationally ranked hospital, so I naively didn’t expect to have so many issues when we were first starting out (MGH Boston, in case you’re in my area… nothing positive to say and I’ve found a small and growing community of women in the area who all feel exactly the same).
I got a lot of good insight on this page (and the moms page – you’d be welcome there to make an inquiry!). Where are you located?
Anon
Your gyn may not be affiliated with an IVF clinic but can recommend a couple in the area. (And depending on your area there may only be one or two clinics). Things to think about: how close is the clinic? You may need to take 2x/weekly blood draws and go to clinic for procedures based on your hormone levels with little notice. How accessible is the fertility dr who will be treating you? Will you see them at all appointments or just during transfers? Do the staff seem happy and professional, or tired, overwhelmed and rude? All of this will impact your experience.
Anonymous
Ask us! Where are you?
Anonymous
I interviewed several providers and read a lot of materials posted on the ivf and infertility subreddits to educate myself. I ended up not going with either of the clinics that friends had worked with. Both of those clinics batch patients; they put you on BCP for a while to control your cycle so you start at the same time as a bunch of other people in the practice. It is solely for the convenience of the clinic and not what’s best for the patients. I didn’t want extra hormones. And there’s some evidence to suggest that BCP have a suppressive effect on your ovaries, meaning you get fewer and lower quality eggs per cycle. At 40 years old that’s just not something I’m going to risk.
I also wanted a clinic that is basically 24/7. I’d read horror stories on Reddit about women who ovulated through their egg retrieval cycle because the clinic was closed over the weekend or on a holiday so they didn’t do the retrieval when they should have, and by the time they did, it was too late. I’ve been through 3 cycles and they’re hell. I can’t imagine going through all that, spending thousands of dollars, and not even having eggs to show for it. It’s bad enough when all my embryos come back aneuploid, but at least I know we can make embryos. Not even getting a chance would be devastating.
I went with a very large provider, Shady Grove, that has locations all over the place. It’s given me some flexibility in terms of timing and location. But there are still plenty of timing challenges. I needed a hysteroscopy and polypectomy; I was on the standby list for 3 weeks, which means they give you 36 hours notice that you’re going to be in surgery. Hugely disruptive to my life. But my OBGYN barely even called back in 3 weeks when I tried to schedule it through them so idk. At least it’s done.
Another good thing about a huge practice – I really disliked the first RE I was paired with, but I really liked my nurse. I considered switching clinics but I ended up switching REs within the same system. I like the new RE much better and I still get to work with my awesome nurse.
Anon
Where are you located? Someone here can recommend one.
Otherwise, ask women you know who have been through IVF. Absolutely do not go with the one your OB recommends without figuring out why they recommend them (they like the RE socially? Nah. They have found that the RE is unusually compassionate to and good with women with your specific medical issues? Awesome).
Anon
Honestly I checked online for reviews, called 5-6 to see when the earliest appointment was (some were 6 months out), scheduled 3 first appointments and went with the one doctor we really liked. No idea how that works for insurance (I’m in Canada so it’s different, and my work has very generous fertility benefits so I didn’t pay for the appointments).
Anonymous
An initial consult in the US will be $500-750. I would not just try three. Pick the clinic you like and unless there are red flags start.
Anonymous
This depends on insurance. I had to pay out of pocket for my actual IVF cycles, but everything before starting the cycle (consultations, diagnostic tests, etc.) was covered.
Anonymous
It was billed to my insurance as a doctor’s appointment with a specialist. My copay is $50. Even without insurance a doctor’s appointment should be like $250.
Anonymous
And yet, that is not what most fertility doctors charge for an initial consult.
Anon
I ended up going to a clinic outside the U.S., but I remember there’s a good website with reviews for U.S. clinics. You could also post on the IVF sub.
Anon
I went through Shady Grove as did a poster above. Lots of locations in the DMV area. I started out at a more “academic” place and SG turned out to be more successful. It is a little bit “assembly line” but that is because they have figured out what works for many situations.
You will have lots of early morning appointments, so a place that is accessible is important too.
Anonanon
make sure they’re in network! Northwestern, for example is somehow out of network for Progeny
Anon
Well, not Yale. I think they still have a multi-million dollar lawsuit pending… or it was just settled.
Did anyone listen to the podcast “The Retrievals” about their affiliated fertility clinic scandal?
I’m curious if women who have been through IVF have listened to it, and what their thoughts were. How was your pain addressed by your doctors during your egg retrievals?
Anonymous
I listened to part of the podcast, but it came out at a time that I was debating doing more IVF and it was frankly not something I wanted in my head at the time so I didn’t get deeply in. I didn’t experience pain during egg retrieval. My understanding is that a retrieval where your medication is not being stolen should not be painful unless you’re experiencing ovarian hyperstimulation. I had an anesthesiologist, separate from my RE, who was present at the procedure and very attentive.
However, I did have pain with some other procedures. What I found was that my doctors were responsive and helpful but I had to be the one to be proactive and ask. This was not necessarily easy because I didn’t know what would and wouldn’t be painful! Also, while I’m quite pain averse in general, there were a few times I wanted to tough it out – I really needed to get back to work or something like that, and didn’t want to be a little loopy – but I didn’t always have the knowledge to make the right decision (there was one particular procedure that turned out to be much more involved than I realized, and I was getting lightheaded at work after). So I wish there had been some more patient education on procedures in general (even some more explanatory pamphlets would have been enough).
Anonymous
No pain. There’s no pain if someone isn’t being evil
Anon
The New York Times has an article today on doing a knitting tour of Iceland. It just seemed appropriate to me to put it here. :)
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/16/travel/iceland-knitting.html
Anon
I’m here for it.
JTM
I really want to do one of these tours!
Anonymous
i saw this and was going to post this here also!
Anon
I love the idea! When my friends and I were knitting in our 20s, the idea of quickly knitting a true Icelandic sweater in the round with bulky Icelandic yarn was very appealing. But then none of us wore them. :)
Anonymous
I wear my Icelandic wool sweaters as outerwear for gardening (literal gardening!).
Senior Attorney
Gosh, I’m not even a knitter and I want to do that!
anon
what are you all wearing for winter coats (for those who live in cold weather) puffers? wool?
Anon
Knee length puffer here in Michigan, assuming the weather actually merits it this season. Last year it was overkill for all but a handful of days.
Anon
My knee length puffer was also too warm for most of winter last year, I only hauled it out once or twice. My Barbour with the lining in worked for 75% of our wet but warmer winter in MA.
Anon
Parkas and wool coats serve two different purposes. Wool is for milder weather or when you need to look nice and will suck it up being cold. I have a deep green wool coat with a detachable faux fur collar. Parkas are for snow, truly cold weather, or when I don’t care about looking fancy. I don’t like the sleeping bag look of puffers so I have the Oskar parka from Aritzia.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
+1 in NYC. Wool goes away when it gets really cold.
Anonymous
Wool is great when it’s either warmer or you’re wearing a wool blazer underneath. There can be no gap for the wind to enter for them to be truly warm.
Bostonian
Wool to work on sunny days and early or late winter days. Knee length puffer the rest of the time. I’m THISCLOSE to fitting in to my Canada Goose post childbirth, so here’s hoping I get in to it comfortably by January. Branding/logo aside, it’s honestly the warmest coat I’ve ever owned in my life. Plus, I got the “black label” one so it’s a black medallion vs the recognizable red one.
Anon for this
Barbour with layers works for most of the year. Knee length down puffer otherwise.
Anon
I have a few heavy all wool coats for work/fancy occasions, knee length ‘nice’ puffer for tundra-like conditions, ski jacket for being ‘out’ in snow (skiing, hiking, etc.), and a Barbour with lining for early winter sludge/late spring when I just can’t deal with the super heavy coats.
Cat
depending on the weather, in order of warmth, hip-length wool, hip-length quilted, knee-length wool, knee-length puffer :)
NYNY
I believe in a winter coat wardrobe. I have a short, lightweight puffer that goes with casual wear. I have a giant sleeping bag puffer for when it’s really cold. But I’m looking for a new wool coat to wear to work and other occasions when the light puffer seems wrong, which will replace a black knee-length wool coat that is past its prime. I also have a vintage red and black wool hunting jacket (was my father’s when he was a teenager!) that I break out a few times each year.
For the new one, I’m leaning towards something tailored, but slouchy and oversized. Dark neutral, like black or charcoal, but I’m open to a menswear print.
Anonymous
+1 I live in Chicago. I have four winter coats: a wool coat I bought, an opera coat and a fur coat inherited from my mother and a puffer for walking the dogs and outdoor kid stuff. I’m not even counting my fall/spring coats. I’m very much a uniform dresser but I wear a coat about half the year. I’d really start to crave novelty if I only had one. Also, I wear different clothes to take my kids to the park than I do to go out to dinner so I want a different coat.
No Face
When the temperature is between 30 and 50, I wear a wool coat or my Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go insulated trench. Below 30, I wear a giant down sleeping bag coat.
Anonymous
+1 Below 25 I wear a knee length down coat, and below 10 the maxi puffer.
Wool coats are for 50-30, same as hip length down puffer.
Anonymous
hip-length puffer for driving, errands, etc (lands end)
knee-length wool coat for nice outfits (cinzia rocca)
sleeveless vest with hood for inbetween weather (amazon, baleaf i think)
knee-length raincoat for inbetween/rainy weather (eddie bauer)
I still have a knee-length insulated coat that’s a bit too small on me but I will pull it out if i’m out walking somewhere with the kids and it’s too cold for my raincoat. I always preferred knee-length coats when I walked everywhere, but now that I’m driving most places I didn’t like the way it would get caught in the car door.
(I work from home.)
anon
Wool or ski jacket parka until 15F, puffer below 15F, with animals died to keep me warm below 5F.
Anonymous
Similar. It gets down to the teens or single digits sometimes in winter and I’m usually ok with layers + knee-length Eddie Bauer down puffer.
Anon
I have a knee length puffer that I wear when it’s -20C and below. I also tend to walk or bus to work, so I do wear it just in case, even on some of the warmer days. Otherwise I have a wool knee length “dress” coat that I can use.
Brontosaurus
I have a short driving commute, so all but the coldest days I actually just wear a down puffer vest. I hate driving in a coat.
When I’m not driving or will be outside longer, I have a non-puffer down coat with a nice deep hood.
Anon
I bought a Land’s End ankle length puffer (sleeping bag coat) last winter and it was a game-changer.
Conservation
For those involved with conservation efforts, what would you recommend doing? Join the Sierra Club? or just clean up your local park?
Anon
I have had great fun pulling junk out of creeks and streams. It’s a good workout and can be very social. Our city’s stormwater services and a local Riverkeeper organization always have opportunities throughout the year and supply waders and grabbers and cart off the junk.
Anon
Keeping it local will have the fastest immediate impact on your community. Depending on where you’re located, invasive species eradication is a huge need, especially in sensitive areas where herbicides can’t be used. Pulling, bagging and properly disposing of invasive plants is good for native critters, plants and people… and it’s free to do!
Anon
Meanwhile local stores are selling the exact same invasive plants still. I wish we’d see some regulation surrounding this to support individual efforts.
Anon
Work both little and big. Little: clean up your neighborhood. If you’re feeling it, organize group clean-ups!
Big: get involved in policy, either at the state level or the federal level. Various groups (Sierra Club, Clean Water Conservation, etc) will have ways for you spread information and get policies on ballots — usually canvassing or phone banking and asking for money.
Anon
Volunteer with a local open space conservancy – here there are several that each have multiple nature preserves/hiking trails. My township also coordinates some conservation activities at its parks.
Anonymous
Our county advertises volunteer activities: filling sandbags, trail or stream clean up, trail maintenance, and replanting.
Lexi
Surfrider Foundation is awesome for beach cleanups, and my city does lots of creek and neighborhood cleanups in partnership with some local nonprofits.
Anon
I used to be on the board of my local land trust and they regularly have lots of volunteer opportunities. Is there one in your area?
Kate
A few things:
– Swear off Amazon
– Avoid fast fashion as much as you can
– Plant trees in your yard, if that’s an option
– Cut back on personal and (if you can) business travel in favor of virtual options
Anon
Okay on trees, I want to know if a front yard canopy tree is an option. I see other houses on my street that have one. But I’m intimidated by trying to figure out if I have space for one (my city says not to plant too close to utilities, house, driveway, or sidewalk, and I assume how close is too close varies by tree type). Does an arborist know this, or a landscaper, or some more specific credential?
Anon
If you don’t have room for more trees, you can plant shrubs and smaller native plants that provide food and good habitat for wildlife. This will vary locally, but you should be able to find good resources for your area online.
Anon
Most gardening books and the garden store will be able to tell you the expected full size of a tree. Most people ignore this, but believe it.
The big thing for planting a front yard tree, or at least one big thing, is choosing one whose roots don’t destroy the sidewalk in front of your house. Most municipalities will make you pay for sidewalk repairs if it’s your tree that did tha.
The street trees approved by the city in my area tend to be non-fruiting plums, pears, and other deciduous trees known for having roots that go straight down. You can do a lot to encourage vertical root growth through the way you water the tree as it’s getting established. That means infrequent deep watering and not daily shallow watering.
Anon
We had an arborist recommend trees and placement. 20 years we have nice shade.
Anon
My city will recommend an arborist you can hire to come and give detailed recommendations. I would trust them much more than a landscaper. And even the city will come and help determine the best “allowable” place for the tree where I live and give some info.
Yeah for the trees!
Anon
Thank you for the tips on how to pursue this!
Anonymous
Trees sound great until you actual think through lifespan and growth. The roots can tear up pipes and sidewalks or their branches threaten your or your neighbor’s roof, and then you’re hit with $$$ bills to trim or remove them. (Can you tell I live in a mature suburb?) Consult with a credible landscaper before you plant anything.
Bushes or wildgrass areas (especially milkweed pods for monarchs and bee-friendly flora) may actually be a better alternative for you and your local wildlife, depending on location.
Anon
That is where my question about planning came from. However in general trees are worth the expenses of trees, with a little planning.
Anon
It’s also a good idea to know where your sewer pipes, water main, and any buried electric cables run under your front yard – it generally is the front yard, but not always. Don’t plant a tree on top of these! Ask me how I know (prior owner did it.)
Conservation
Thanks for the recs!
Midwest Girl
Thanks to all who commented on my question about not being well-traveled. Special thanks to the commenter who asked why I am feeling so inferior about it. I need to spend some more time thinking about that.
I think I live in an incredibly privileged bubble where too many conversations center around who has “done” the more authentic tour of wherever.
Anon
Whenever someone uses “done + [location]” I snicker and am reminded of Debbie Does Dallas. So I’d never use “done” with visiting a place and people because that verb to me neither very mindful nor very demure.
Anon
+1000000
It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
anon
+1 “done” a place is an indicator of being really closed-minded to me. I’ve lived in my small city 20 years and I still recognize I don’t have all the experiences of my city—someone different from me will see it through different eyes and have different experiences.
One visits a place and see some things and meets some people. “Done” is gross.
Anonymous
+1. This usage drives me insane.
Anon
Yeah I love to travel but this phrasing makes me cringe.
Anonymous
Really grateful for this board pointing out cringey verbal tics like that! I will be more cognizant in the future. I’m wracking my brain to figure out if I’ve used “done” like that. If I have, I definitely didn’t mean I’ve seen all there is to see. Maybe like, “I did (a trip to) Rome a few years ago, would love to go back!”
I could see myself saying I “did” Madrid, as in, I spent enough time there that I saw everything on my list at least once if not multiple times and I’ve crossed it off my list of places I have a burning desire to visit in the future. But I can still see how it would come off as offensive to suggest that I’ve seen everything the city has to offer.
Anon
It’s more like “I’ve already done Rome and Florence. I need to get back to Italy so I can do Venice.”
Like a checklist/bingo board.
Cat
+1, I love traveling and even for a place I don’t intend to revisit, would never say “did.” Went to, visited, spent time in, stayed in, explored, all fine.
Did? No.
Anon
Fwiw, I’m one of the ones who said it bothers me, but “doing” a city bothers me less than saying you “did” a whole county or (worse!) continent. No, you did not “do” Africa because you spent 10 days in Cape Town and Kruger. There’s nothing wrong with that trip, but you’ve visited two of the most touristy spots in one of the most touristy countries, you haven’t scratched the surface of the continent.
Anonymous
Authentic and tour are not words that go together. I look down on people like that wayyyy more than people who have never traveled, fwiw.
I once had a “friend” who would brag about what a world traveler she was. She had “done” a very long list of places. Turns out she’s only ever traveled by cruise ship. Now, I have objections to cruise ships anyway, mostly environmental/crowd control, but I’m open to the notion that there is an ethical way of cruising (on a smaller ship, $$$$). I think it’s a great option for people like my friend and my elderly mom who have mobility and health issues but want to, ie, see the Vatican museum once in their lives. Sure, go do the touristy stuff in a safe way with support people.
But don’t pretend that makes you a world traveler. You’ve never spent a single night in a foreign city, except maybe at the airport hotel the night before or after your cruise. You’ve never had a conversation with a local who wasnt providing you some good or service. Spending a few weeks on very structured tours does not make you a well-traveled, cultured person.
Anonymous Grouch
So yes, OP, as we can see with this poster, there are people who are SUPER judgy about travel. (Yes, there’s a caveat in the first paragraph, but it still indicates they judge people who haven’t traveled). Yuck.
Midwest Girl
RIGHT???
anon
So if you want to see the world, and in fact do so, but have mobility and health concerns so you do it via tours, you cannot be considered a world traveler nor cultured? Only the healthy and able-bodied can be deemed true travelers in your eyes? Do they have to go to certain locations and have a certain number of conversations with real locals to achieve this designation?
Anonymous
You don’t have to be able bodied to have a conversation with someone outside your tour group.
anon
I agree! But OP says that people who travel via cruise have “never had a conversation with a local who wasnt providing you some good or service”. Just a full blanket statement. Her words, not mine.
Anon
I thought cruises were notoriously risky for people with health concerns.
Anon
It was pretty awful at the beginning of COVID – remember when there were cruise ships docked offshore where people couldn’t get off & eventually had to be quarantined at military bases? I actually know one of those people (and her husband). They went back to cruising, though.
Given that some old people’s retirement plans are to live on cruise ships 365 days per year, not everyone is worried about health issues on cruise ships!
Anon
It depends on the health concern. Bad knees aren’t the same thing as being immunocompromised.
Anon
This. Post-Covid (and even pre-Covid, tbh) they’re not great for anyone with greater susceptibility to viruses. They’re perfect for people with issues like arthritis who struggle to move around and tire easily.
Anon
I’m not understanding how a chat with a restaurant owner or a store employee doesn’t count as talking to a local.
Anon
It sounds like you feel inferior because people are making this a status game that’s meant to have winners and losers!
Anonymous
Yeah. I am happy to hear about someone’s vacation, but I just go silent when travel conversation turns into a competition.
Cora
When I graduated from college ~10 years ago the prevailing idea was that you didn’t get an MBA until you had a couple years work experience at least. Nowadays I hear of so many people getting MBAs straight out of school. Has the thinking around this changed? Or maybe its just the “idk what to do lets do a masters” reaching to MBAs
Anon
I think #2.
I know with nursing, they also want to see a year of experience before applying to advanced programs (CRNA), but I think with nursing, it’s easier to work as you go, so people tend to know what they want and don’t and are definitely committed and aware (vs law school, which I think is often just kicking the adulting down the road, but with a sh*t-ton of debt to go with it).
Cb
I call this the “panic masters” and try to steer my students away from it.
Anon
Nailed it with a phrase I will steal as flattery to you.
Anonymous
love this
Anon
There are a few graduate programs aimed at graduating STEM majors that seem to feed on this panic. I am most familiar with one at Columbia for Actuarial Science. You don’t need a masters in Actuarial Science, nor even a bachelors degree in Actuarial Science, to become an actuary.
Anon
I used to teach GMAT testing (shortly after I graduated from college). In the aughts, I was the youngest person in the room; most of the students were late twenties to late thirties. Within about five years, the median age dropped to about 25.
I wouldn’t be surprised if people are going straight out of school, but that doesn’t mean it’s a great idea. Many universities are struggling with enrollment, especially for expensive degrees (MBA, law) that are money-makers for the institution. So their incentive is to let people in, even if they wouldn’t have done so 10 or 15 years ago; that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for the student.
Anon
I work somewhere where I can see an MBA being helpful. I don’t have one or the time to get it, frankly. And I’m working OK even if I will plateau a bit b/c I have a lot outside of work to juggle right now.
But we hired someone recently who went straight through and got an MBA. I think his schools did him wrong because he is the sweetest person but just doesn’t have the knowledge or skills to do even what I do. I feel bad for him — big debt and it’s not like he can figure this out and then go back for an MBA to launch further. Someone just took his $ and wasted years of his life.
Maybe it’s different at the top-ranked schools vs just regional ones or ones in population centers where it’s mostly xMBA people?
smurf
I think the latter. And my experience of working with people who did #2 is that they’ve ‘overqualified’ but inexperienced, expect to and sometimes do skip the ‘entry level’ roles but then have no idea how to do the role they’re in.
would not recommend!
Anon
I think this became popular around 2008– or at least it was at my state school. A lot of finance or business majors that were unable to find jobs due to the financial crisis would stay around and do an MBA. Our state school also had various tracks of MBAs– they were not all management focused. For example, we had an MBA track for data analytics that was very popular for students that either came from a liberal arts background or a less math-heavy business school undergrad degree.
Anon
100% the later. The top tier MBA programs are also not the ones taking those students
Pompom
This. And the ones who do get into those top tier programs with 0-2 years of work experience struggle, big time. They don’t have much to contribute in class, AND they get passed over (or offered lower salaries) in recruiting, and the schools end up being mad about the impact to the salary/outcomes data.
I have worked in 2 of these top tier MBA programs and railed against this admissions tactic for the whole time.
Anon
Yep, and with most of the top programs implementing their own version of the HBS 2+2, it’s only going to get worse.
Anonymous
I thought that the top programs required a few years of work experience and that an MBA program that would take people straight from undergrad was of little value.
Anon
I have always had thinning hair but because I am wearing my hair curly these days instead of styling it straight, it looks thinner. I am 39. What has helped you slow down or reverse thinning hair?
anon
may be quacky and lots of people don’t think it works but i have found that targeted vitamins help. i used to take one i got at a health store and then i couldn’t find it anymore so i’ve been using nutrafoil. i do think it’s better. I know there is women’s rogaine also but i’ve never used.
Anon
Are you sure your hair is actually thinning rather than breaking off?
I wore ponytails so much I had a halo of broken hairs that were too short to pull back. My ponytail itself was very thin because there fewer and fewer strands that were long enough to reach it because they broke off. Switching from ouchless bands to invisibobble or satin bands helped, as did changing up my hair style so I didn’t pull it back so frequently.
Anon
I have a rubber tip curry comb that I use to massage the scalp when I shower. I don’t know if it really keeps the hair density, or if it’s my imagination.
Anon
Link?
Anonymous
i always find that my curls make my hair look fuller – i’m always surprised to get a blowdry. maybe add mousse for volume?
i just saw something on tiktok (supposedly a derm) saying trentinoin can help thin patches if they’re near your hairline. i was definitely getting these when i was wearing my hair up all the time when my kids were very small. (also postpartum hair didn’t help i’m guessing.)
PLB
No personal experience but there was an article in the NYT saying minoxidil pills work for hair thinning and loss.
Anon
Be really gentle with your hair. Minimize the over-styling, don’t pull it back harshly – the traction stress can accelerate the hair loss for some of us. Definitely agree with trying the hair multivitamins. Honestly, my dermatologist (hair specialist) is ok with any of the mainstream ones – Nutrafoil, Viviscal and I use the Costco sold one for skin/hair/nails. Make sure your iron stores are up (Ferritin > 50) – many women have low iron. Also make sure your thyroid function is good, B12, folate, vitamin D.
I started doing the minoxidil, and it does work, but takes time and I hated using the topicals that left my hair kind of yucky. I take oral minoxidil now. It does lower my blood pressure, which was already low (!), so that is a downside. I would not start that unless you check in with a dermatologist that specializes in hair, as they may have other ideas.
Some of us just have thinner hair…. and unfortunately it will get worse when you hit menopause most likely. So it is good you are thinking about this now.
Anon
Biotin helps me with this. I use the ones from Trader Joe’s.
No Problem
Thanks to whoever kicked off the discussion last week about being the single/childless kid who is always expected to go home for the holidays but doesn’t always want to. I realized that I really, really, really don’t want to go home for Thanksgiving this year. My easiest “out” would be to have plans to go elsewhere, whether it be to another family member or to just take that week to travel somewhere (maybe somewhere in Europe). I know I’ll get majorly guilt tripped if I just stay here and don’t have other plans lined up. I typically drive home but my parents will pay for my plane ticket if they think I just don’t want to drive, so I can’t use money as an excuse either. Anyway, I had an ugly cry about it all but I’m glad I came to the realization of what I want (or more specifically, what I don’t want). Now to figure out how to execute on it.
Midwest Girl
Do you have a job that could plausibly require working through that weekend? I once literally made up an entire trial that required preparation over a long holiday weekend. And would you believe that the imaginary case settled just as we were about to pick a jury?
No Problem
No not really. And even if I did, it’s not something I would likely know about until a few days before I would need to travel for that weekend.
Anon
Hey mom and dad, boss has given me the heads up that we’re all going to have to work the Friday of Thanksgiving week this year due to an extraordinary project.
My husband worked at a hospital (in IT) when our kids were young and actually often had to work that Friday when the census was high. That got us out of lots of big family Thanksgivings we didn’t want to go to for years.
Our sweet spot worked out to be Thanksgiving at home, Christmas Day at home, then a long trip to spend the week between Christmas and New Years at my mom’s.
Anonymous
Tell them you have an airline credit that is going to expire.
Anon
Wouldn’t that be logically used to go home? I think OP should do what she wants but I don’t see how this solves the issue.
No Problem
They know how much I fly (not much) and that I haven’t had any travel snafus that would lead to having a credit.
Anon
Do you need to actually be gone to tell people you are gone? Can you say you are going somewhere and then just stay home?
Anon
You do have plans. Your plans are to stay home. You don’t need to come up with an excuse or go on a trip. You get to say no and let that be the end of the discussion.
Anon
THIS!
When I was pregnant, my husband dragged me on a twenty hour round trip to his annual family event that we “had” to go to. It sucked. I was exhausted, hungry, cranky, and wanted to catch up on sleep and recharge.
It took that for me to understand that it’s actually okay to not have the bandwidth to hop on a plane or travel across time zones, no “excuse” needed. “I have a lot on my plate and want to use the four day weekend to recharge” is okay!
Kate
+1. This is an awesome opportunity to set boundaries with your family. Their feelings about your choice are valid, but ultimately not an issue for you. There is nothing wrong with you making this choice, and making it in the absence of “other plans.” Good for you!
Senior Attorney
YES! Just tell them “I’m sorry, I’m not able to come home this year.” “Why?” “It’s just not going to work out.” “WHY?” “I just can’t make it for a variety of reasons that are too boring to get into.” “OMG WHAT’S WRONG?” “Nothing’s wrong but I just can’t make it. Have a great time!”
Anon
You’re always the voice of reason, SA!
Anonymous
I can’t remember if someone said this here or somewhere else but: your family is going to be unpleasant whether you go or don’t, so pick the option that is least stressful for you. It’d be one thing to feel an obligation to go because people love you and it will make them feel good. But does it really make them feel good? In my case anyway, they spend the whole time complaining about how I’m never there. Ok then why am I here. Clearly you don’t want to spend time with me, you just want to feel morally superior in guilting me. So why don’t you do that on your own and I’ll do what I want.
Anon
And if your parents DO guilt you, who cares? If they complain about you staying home, you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, I’ll see you at Christmas!” And end the conversation.
smurf
alternate white lie idea – you have a friend that’s gone through a tough time & is hosting a friendsgiving so you want to support. (so it’s not – oh bring them home with you!).
Anon
I like this idea since it doesn’t invite too many questions. “I don’t want to betray her confidence but it’s been a tough time for her and I’ve decided to be there for her.” Not everyone is OK with white lies but I would be in this circumstance.
Anonymous
+ 100
“Friend had a new baby earlier this year/her DH has to work the holiday so I promised I’d stay and support her.”
Anon
Maybe just be honest? Your life has been so busy lately and while you do love your family, you would like to enjoy some solo R&R this Thanksgiving. You can schedule a call for after brunch or whatever that day to wish them happy celebrating, but you don’t need to be there in person.
Ses
This is my preferred reply. Sometimes the truth just works better and is easier, and can help support an authentic relationship with family.
Not for everyone, of course- some family members are just too difficult and white kites are the only way the relationship survives… just saying I like truth as a first option.
Anonymous
So . . . You buy plane tickets to Paris? This seems like an easy solution unless you want to just stay home
No Problem
How’d you know that’s where I was looking to go ;) Or maybe Iceland for the northern lights…
Anon
Do it!!
Cat
I would love to go to London at Thanksgiving – if I’m skipping the dinner anyway I might as well go straight on into holiday mode.
Anon
+1 and Sunday roast is better than turkey anyway :)
Anon
+1 and Sunday roast is better than turkey anyway :)
Sunshine
Take the trip. Do it! Europe is great at Thanksgiving in particular. Your parents won’t like it. But at some point, you get to make your own choices as they are making their own choices for how to spend their holidays.
Anon
Thanksgiving in Vienna and Salzburg was one of the best trips we ever took. The Christmas markets were out in full swing and it was magical.
Anon
This is exactly right! They will probably guilt you this time. But ripping the band aid off now will make it easier in the future to make alternate plans if you want.
Anon
Agreed! Take the trip – we’ve traveled at Thanksgiving multiple years and had so much fun. Mendoza, Argentina was fabulous in November.
Anonymous
I think the tone matters as much as the reason or explanation you give. We live far from family so I get not wanting to travel for all the holidays because I’m currently dealing with that drama. On the other hand, my oldest is also a teenager and I understand now more that my parents and DH’s parents just miss us and want to spend time with us and welcome/host us in their home so I make an effort to be as kind as possible and positive about how we value them when sharing plans that I know they won’t be happy about.
Anonymous
I have done this for years now. I simply say, “I’m staying home this year.” (Home means my home.) At the beginning, I said “I am going to [beach/Europe/etc.], sorry to miss it!” And they got over it. I also have said “I need some quiet + rest time and decided to take Thanksgiving weekend to rest by myself. I look forward to seeing you [for other holiday, birthday, another annual time that I will commit to]!” My family offered to reschedule the holiday gathering entirely so I could make it, for me it was less the day itself and more I just didn’t want to carve out the time to go to the gathering at all. YMMV.
I want to encourage you to do what you want and need. If you are the “type” of person to feel guilty and cave and then resent that, or if you are a little panicked about actually being ALONE on a holiday alone in your own apartment then I would encourage you to make plans now, to do other things. Whether it is *go to Wicked the movie, * Order carryout from X place, * binge a TV show, * Turn cell phone off from X time to X time to avoid the sad feelings of getting group photos that you are not in, or something like *Book Airbnb in Other City and make a lunch reservation in Other City, take steps now to stick to your plan and be prepared for people (and you) to feel some pain. Trust me: it gets easier to uphold what you want over time, and it is OK if it takes time.
Anonymous
Is there any dietary change you’ve ever made that you feel has improved your health or life somehow – physical, mental, sleep, anything? Doesn’t matter if it’s something big or small. Would love to hear if you feel that eating certain things or refraining from things has really been a positive for you.
anon
i do feel better when i eat less sugar and white flour. not magic but there it is. my stomach feels better and i’m less itchy (i don’t actually have allergies but have sensitivities)
Anon
Yes! I became a vegetarian recently for environmental reasons. I know it’s not going to fix the planet by any stretch of the imagination, but it makes me feel good mentally because I know I’m making a contribution.
Anon
Daily multivitamin.
No coffee after 3 pm.
Protein in the morning.
More vegetables and fruits.
anonshmanon
Cutting back on caffeine was huge for me as well. Amazing sleep, better days. No zombie feelings in the morning before my first (now only) cup. My regular amount now is a single cup in the morning, and usually some decaf later.
Anon
Protein rich snack immediately before bed, protein rich breakfast, walk for 10-15 minutes after every carb-dense meal, eat every 3 hours, try to minimize processed sugar (but indulge with joy when it’s for joyful reasons).
^ all moves brought to you by three rounds of gestational diabetes that surprisingly really also benefit my body when I’m not pregnant!
Anon
Trying whatever fresh fruits or veggies look good at the farmers market and experimenting with ways to prepare it. Sometimes I get a dud (celeriac is just not my thing), but most of the time I find that really fresh produce prepared well is so, so good. My overall habits shifted from this being a once in a while thing, to reformatting my general eating and meal prep around seasonally available produce.
anonshmanon
FWIW, I only use celeriac to flavor home made broths, soups and gravies. Like when I use bay laurel, juniper berries and spices like that. Not t really as a vegetable.
Anon
Yeah, I have tried those types of uses for it. It turns out I just really don’t like celeriac. But I have discovered loads of other really interesting veggies that I do like!
Anon
I feel better when I stop eating and drinking calories after 5 or 6 pm. Sleep is deeper and it keeps inflammation more in check.
Anonymous
Me too. I discovered this during Covid. Normally I’m hungry when I get home so I snack while making dinner. But during lockdown I was already home so I would just make dinner when I got hungry. Cuts out an unnecessary snack and causes me to finish eating earlier in the evening.
Anon
Increasing protein to 100g+ per day
Anon
Moved to a rural community with no real options to go out to eat and minimal convenience options at the grocery store. Removing the option to get takeout when I don’t feel like cooking made a big difference for the better. I’m spending a lot less money, too.
Anon
Making it a point to drink at least 60oz of water (plus coffee/tea/seltzer) – really helps my migraines/POTS symptoms
Taking specific supplements for mood/brain fog/inflammation
Eating a much smaller lunch and/or ‘heavy snacks’ – fruit/veggies/protein vs. a sandwich or something heavy. I feel much less sleepy in the afternoons.
Anon
What supplements do you take for brain fog and inflammation?
Anon
Quecertin, L-Methyl Folate, a 24hr allergy pill, and a pepcid a/c. I’m adding in Magnesium for sleep and it does seem to help.
Anon
I take Magnesium Glycinate when I’m enduring a stretch of insomnia, and it really seems to reset my clock after a couple of days. Wild, wild dreams though!
Anon
Magnesium can be good for migraines. It’s often something docs try when people don’t want to take a daily preventative medicine.
Anon
Drinking 8 glasses of water a day. My skin looks better and I don’t get as many cravings or that 3pm urge to snack. I feel better when I quit coffee and drink tea instead, but I always go crawling back when work is stressful. Eating protein with every meal and snack keeps me full longer and prevents me from eating pure junk.
Anonymous
Cut back the added sugar to the Am Heart Association recommendation of 25 grams per day max. I still eat sugar when it’s things I want and enjoy, so it’s not like I won’t indulge at a party or get ice cream or a good piece of cake at a bakery. But day to day, I’ve entirely cut back the mediocre Chips Ahoy, Reeses, Hersheys or whatever that I would eat just because I wanted a snack. Those have been replaced with better snacks like yogurt, nuts, cheese, crackers.
Did this about six months ago because of a close family member becoming prediabetic and me feeling like I should start changing my habits at 40 rather than waiting decades more. Unexpected positive benefit – I sleep more deeply and wake up rested. I slept fine before but more restless, could easily sleep 10 hours. Now it’s more like I’m refreshed in 7-8 hours.
Anonymous
Drinking water and electrolytes.
Anonymous
Eating more protein. No where near the person who posts about 100 grams per day, but now I’ll at least get 0.8 to 1 gram per kg of weight. I realize that’s on the minimum end but I went for years getting far far less than that, and just not paying attention to it. I feel stronger with consistent protein even at the minimal end. As in if I go back to my old ways for a day or two, I can feel the difference.
TelcoLadyJD
As I leap into perimenopause….sigh… I’ve started trying to get in 100 g of protein, at least 25 g of fiber, and less than 25 g of added sugar. When I manage to do this within my calorie range, I feel great.
Anon
Less than 25g of added sugar is hard…
Anon
I gave up red meat, which has in turn gotten me much more conscious about adding more fruits and vegetables. Beyond that, I’m focusing on being more aware of sugar and white flour (though I haven’t given them up). Both have made me feel “lighter” — not in terms of weight, but in terms of being energized and nimble, less sluggish.
Anon
I found that avoiding low-quality candy (stuff with a lot of preservatives and additives – I was never able to pinpoint exactly what caused issues for me) really helped my GERD/heartburn. I used to have issues around Christmas, Halloween, or other candy-centric holidays (when random brands would be brought into the office) and it really improved after basically cutting them out. I can still have 1-2 small pieces of something just for fun, but I now know not to take it further than that.
Anonymous
Cutting out diet soda made a huge difference when I was having some unpleasant digestive problems. I also lost my taste for it very quickly – within a few months, it wasn’t appealing at all.
Roxie
I cut out gluten years ago after experimenting with whole30 and seeing how it drastically cut down on aches and pains (ie a constantly sore foot which had been diagnosed as simple inflammation)
I also drastically reduced dairy and it cut down on my constant inner ear congestion during allergy season. Made a huge difference.
I “cheat” with both when I’m willing to pay the price of doing so (dairy much more than gluten) and it works for me.
Anonymous
Mediterranean diet: lower cholesterol. Cutting out La Croix: less acid reflux.
anon
Eating ultra processed foods makes me want more ultra processed foods, and often too much food. Avoiding most ultra processed foods much of the time is helpful to keeping on the path of eating well and not too much.
I keep homemade granola on hand, but not cookies. Eating homemade granola (with a bit of jam or fruit if I want sweet–my recipe is low on sweet) satisfies my desire for cookies/pastry much of the time and actually makes me satisfied food-wise (unlike eating a couple of cookies for me). If I really want cookies, I have the ingredients on hand to make them and there’s a store nearby that sells tasty cookies. Turns out, granola is enough for me most of the time.
Anonymous
I’m far lazier than you so I’m not likely to whip up granola or cookies but I have found that ultraprocessed food begets more ultraprocessed food. If I eat 2 Milano cookies, I definitely want a 3rd and 4th. If I don’t buy them, I don’t miss them in the slightest and can go six months without having them. IDK what they are putting in ultraprocessed food but the craving thing is real.
Anonanon
going gluten free. I’m not a celiac but my joints blow up when I eat it.
Anon
You can be allergic to a particular protein only found in wheat –I am. I’m not Celiac either, and I can eat spelt but not wheat.
Anonymous
+1 for wheat, or products made from wheat.
I’ve recently found out that some added sugars and starches can be made from wheat, which could explain why I can’t eat a lot of ultra processed foods, especially ones with weird sugars and added flavors like flavored tortilla chips or spice packets. Avoiding ultra processed foods is very good for my skin, and reduce bloating and inflammation.
I’ve also found that after years of avoiding anything marketed as “diet” and eating full fat foods and avoiding artificial sweeteners my tastebuds have totally reset.
Anon
As much as I hate it, I cut WAY down on the amount of alcohol I was drinking. It was a way to lose my post-pandemic weight, but it made a huge difference in the quality of my sleep and therefore my life in general. I was not a big drinker but giving up those couple (or four) glasses of wine a week really made a difference.
anon
+1 way down from four or five a week to one or two every couple of weeks has really helped my labs per my doc. Knowing that I’m not going to allow myself a drink in the evening makes me do healthier things to feel good (for me, it’s getting more exercise and being more social, even if it’s just chatting with another parent at pickup for 5 minutes). It’s a virtuous cycle where the more I do the healthier things, the less I want to have a drink.
However, I’d really like to be able to have four or five drinks a week and would if it didn’t have negative health consequences.
Anon
When I fully ditched sugar in most any form I was surprised to find that I quit getting up four to six times in the night to go pee. Sleep improved immensely. If I get the diary out I breathe better and don’t have heinous seasonal allergies.
Anon
I stopped drinking alcohol. I didn’t even drink that much, mainly on weekends, but I really don’t feel all that well the day after having like 2 drinks. I’m not going to refuse a glass of champagne at a friend’s birthday gathering, but generally speaking, no more cocktail hours, and no wine with dinner unless it’s really special.
My skin is better too.
Anon
+1
I sleep better too.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure if the skin improvement was from less ?alcohol/dehydration or more sleep. Probably both!
Anon
I have also cut way back on drinking and it’s made such a difference. I wasn’t a big drinker at all, but now I only drink on special occasions. I feel so awful the next day, even if I’ve only had a couple glasses of wine, that it’s not worth it.
Tea/Coffee
I have also cut way way back on drinking, and found that my perimenopause (at least that’s what i thought it was?) insomnia was basically eliminated. I went from never getting a full nights sleep to getting a full night 99% of the time. I wasn’t drinking that much, maybe a couple drinks during the week and a couple on the weekend, so i was amazed at the difference. And not being chronically sleep deprived has improved everything else.
Anonymous
Can someone explain how a Dexa scan is used to tell you something about muscle mass? I feel like it’s a recommendation I have seen here and online but don’t necessarily understand as I thought that test was for bone density. Any idea of out of pocket cost, as I assume insurance limits it to people with concerns of osteopenia. Also what does the test actually look like – is it like a full body xray or MRI machine or something else.
anon
Literally just google and you will see sample images. Different things in your body have different densities, and it uses that info to determine how much is fat, bone, muscle, etc. I haven’t had one, but it looks to be a wand thing that moves over your body while you lay down.
In Toronto, they are about 100$ CAD each and widely available.
Anon
They are not done for this purpose in the US. That’s why people are asking questions like this.
Anon
It gives you muscle mass, body fat, bone density, etc. insurance should cover.
Example here: https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.avoidboneloss.com%2FHologicWB1.jpg&tbnid=ek5RkLgrV7TFQM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.avoidboneloss.com%2FhologicWB.htm&docid=znbRS49rxNZVgM&w=816&h=1056&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm4%2F3&kgs=b03b066ab0925313&shem=abme%2Ctrie
Anon
I think a body composition DEXA runs around $100 out of pocket which I assume is still a huge mark up. I guess it’s like an MRI in that you have to lie down and stay still a while, but there’s no machine around you, so it’s a lot more comfortable (not loud and confined!).
You don’t want them to only check your bones if you’re hoping to know your muscle mass.
I think insurance doesn’t cover it for anything but bones, but I think this will change. It’s honestly kind of backwards at this point that they’re not using it more broadly.
Anon
If you get it for bones, they will still tell you fat mass/muscle mass – its all part of the same scan. My bias is everyone should be getting one after age 30.
Anon
No, it is not routinely reported on scans done for bone density.
Kitchen Remodel
UC Berkley site would probably be helpful here, here’s what it says “It works by sending dual low power x-ray beams that can accurately and precisely differentiate between bone mineral, lean mass and fat mass.”
Anecdotally, 10 years ago I did one and it was $40 out of pocket (I think they’re closer to $200 OOP now?) at my local University health center. It’s a large, flat table and there’s a scanning arm, so it’s not claustrophobic at all. It’s less what I think of as an X-ray and more like a body scanning laser. (Not actually a laser, obv.) My report was two pages and gave me left vs right (more muscular on my right side, I’m right handed and this makes sense to me) breakdowns by limb and included how fatty my head was! Brains are fatty!
Anon
Interesting. I had an insurance-paid scan called a Dexa (Dual Energy X-ray Absorptiometry) at UCSF to test for possible osteoporosis in response to a broken bone and my family history.
My results are good and indicate I don’t have any obvious osteoporosis, but the report talks about my bones, specifically my spine and femur. It gives statistical scores (t scores and z scores) comparing my bone density to “normal young” and “age adjusted” populations. It doesn’t talk about muscle mass nor does it talk about fat mass.
Anon
Yes, this is normally what is on a DEXA scan report.
I’m not sure what the other posters are referring to, but there must be a niche out there that provides scans for these other reasons, which are not medically necessary but I guess some folks are just getting out of interest? Who knows…. In the US, you will find companies that will give you an outpatient MRI of your entire body if you are willing to pay out of pocket for it. My insurance company only pays for a normal DEXA scan for women over 65 unless you have a medically necessary reason to be concerned for a low bone density at an early age. There is a detailed list as to what diagnoses qualify. I have Blue Cross Blue Shield. As we know every state and every insurance company and every insurance plan via employer/government/Medicare etc…. is different. So it’s kind of useless asking how much it will cost. Probably in the low hundreds.
Doing the scan at a hospital based facility will be much more expensive if you have to pay out of pocket then if you do one at a private outpatient facility. There is a lot of variability in the quality of the scanners and the knowledge of the radiologist reading them. So you may also “get what you pay for”.
Wool irritation but not skin contact?
Has anyone ever experienced irritation from wool that only affects your eyes? Believe me, I controlled for every variable before I consigned or gave away all my cashmere and wool sweaters and clothing— old items (like 20 year old cashmere from Lord and Taylor), new (Vince cashmere), merino especially smartwool, wool blends, washed (that Lord and Taylor turtleneck usually got thrown in the washing machine), dry cleaned, extremely high quality, mid-quality, fuzzy, flat weave, sweaters, pants, items like jackets that never touched bare skin. It took me forever to figure it out because it only makes my eyes feel like there is something in them (similar to dry eye, which I do have) and doesn’t affect my skin. I dread pulling out my 20 year old 100% alpaca coat and finding out it too causes instant eye irritation, I’ll be heartbroken.
According to the peer reviewed research, wool allergies don’t really exist and tends to be a function of fiber characteristic causing itch, not allergy, but my conspiracy theory is that Big Sheep paid for those studies. https://researchmgt.monash.edu/ws/portalfiles/portal/249028576/161801425_oa.pdf
And any recs for high-quality synthetic material sweaters gratefully received.
Anon
One thought – how did you clean each of these items? I would be more inclined to think you are sensitive to whatever product was used for that rather than to wool itself. Dry cleaning chemicals particularly can be really caustic.
It’s also okay to just not like wool, but if you do want to try something else to make it work perhaps handwash your wool items in a diluted shampoo bath (use your own shampoo if you have one that works without issues). Rinse well, and perhaps do it a few times over to get out any build up.
OP
Sadly, they were all cleaned with very different methods and different soaps with dry cleaning being the least common except for the jackets/pants which actually took longer to irritate my eyes. And I know it’s not the laundry soap (free and clear of various brands) because I sleep on sheets washed with the same soaps with no issues. I love wool! Just can’t seem to nail down what the issue actually is, as I have paid attention to different variables like type, cleaning method, etc.
Anon
Wool allergies exist! I tested positive for them. I think it may have shown up as a sheep allergy.
That said, I still wear a lot of wool. I knit and I prefer to knit with wool.
Try washing your coat. Not dry cleaning. Soak it in water with something like Euclan, a no-rinse wool wash, lay flat to dry, and then see if you can tolerate it. Another thought is that coats get dusty hanging there unused, so the wash may help with that as well. Anyway, I always like my wool and cashmere and alpaca better after I wash it.
OP
Thank you, I’ll try this as a last ditch method. I have a very sentimental attachment to this coat!
Anon
Another thought – are you treating your dry eye? Getting a prescription for Restatis has really helped with most of my eye-based irritations & allergy symptoms. I use it daily, every night after I wash my face.
OP
Hmm, I do treat it with lid scrub, compresses and pataday per my eye doctor, but I haven’t heard of Restatis, thanks for the tip, I’ll look into it!
Clara
A first generation immigrant relative is applying to colleges and his mom asked me for help. He may want to be pre-med but is not 100% decided. Right now in high school he’s very smart, but has severe ADHD and struggles with studying. His parents are extremely involved with helping him study and stay organized for school and activities day to day. I think his GPA is around 3.5 unweighted.
My instinct is that a small liberal arts college would give him more guidance than a larger school. College may already be a bit of a rude awakening. Any particular suggestions in the Northeast or Midwest?
Anonymous
My husband had awful untreated/undiagnosed adhd as a teen. His parents put him in private school and he eeked out a B average and got a 1550 on his SATs. He went to a SLAC and did great. He majored in what he was interested in and didn’t have to take random graduation requirements outside his major. He did just fine as long as he could stick to stuff he was interested in. It helped a lot to avoid classes with big homework requirements since he knew that was his downfall.
Cerulean
Live at home for two years and start at community college. Some colleges provide better support and structure for students who avail themselves of those services, but if he’s this reliant on his parents to stay on top of day-to-day things, going away to school doesn’t seem like the best move.
Anon
+1. Use the financial savings to hire someone to work with him on executive function and transitioning to adulthood.
Anon
+1, especially if the cost of college is a stretch for this family.
Nina
Cost of college is not a huge barrier but this does seem like a good idea. I feel bad saying this because I know he has a lot of legit struggles, but I also think there is some helicopter parenting and he needs to be allowed to fail and have responsibility more. If thats going to happen, a community college may be a safer place for it than a far away college.
Anon
Except that if he stays home his parents are going to continue to helicopter. If cost is not an issue, I would suggest a smaller school (private or public) close enough that they can get to him in an emergency but not so close they will visit every weekend.
Nina
That’s a good point. He’s a smart kid. Even if he does things differently from other people I think he can figure out something that works for him – like Anonymous @ 12:48’s husband. Just probably easier to do so at a SLAC than a bigger school.
Anon
If his SAT is really 1400 and he’s taken honors classes in high school, community college is going to be really far beneath him. He likely will have had nearly all the relevant coursework. I don’t know why community college is recommended here so much for smart kids. It’s a solution for some kids but not kids like this one.
Anonymous
+1 He’s the kind of kid that will benefit most from a selective environment. To quote the NYT, “students who come from less privileged backgrounds benefit greatly from selective colleges. Elite higher education gives them social capital they didn’t already have.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/15/upshot/elite-colleges-actual-value.html#:~:text=It%20turns%20out%20that%20students,they%20didn't%20already%20have.
Anonymous
+2. A smart kid who is taking AP courses will already have exhausted all the general education courses available at community college, and staying home with his parents directing his studying is not going to help him build the skills required to succeed in college and a job. Better to send him to a SLAC with a solid first-year experience program, a writing center, and robust disability services.
I don’t think community college is good for anyone who wants a 4-year degree unless it’s a guaranteed transfer program to a top state university, and even then it may not be the best plan. I went to an elite public university and none of the community college transfer students I knew was able to graduate in 4 years total (2 years community college + 2 years university) because they were missing prerequisites for their majors and required courses had capacity issues. They ended up taking an extra year, which meant they paid for 3 years at the university and lost another year of post-graduate wages.
Anon
My state’s four year universities have a transfer partnership with certain community colleges, and I think it serves an important purpose for a population that needs a more gradual introduction to the academic rigor of college. But with a 1400 SAT (which is ~95th percentile) this kid is not in that population.
Anon
SATs and budget are needed to answer this question.
Nina
SAT lets say around 1400. Budget I don’t know exactly – I was just asked for help starting the process and feel awkward asking my uncle about that. He does know what college costs are roughly.
Anon
Budget is the most important question.
No Problem
Is he being treated for the ADHD? Meds and whatever therapy would teach him techniques for managing it? Basically, he needs to figure out how to do on his own whatever his parents do to keep him organized and on task. College is a great time to do that, but I actually wouldn’t be surprised if a bigger school has more resources to help neurodivergent students than a small liberal arts college.
Nina
That’s complicated. He basically refuses to go to a therapist. He was on meds before but I’m not 100% sure if he is still taking them.
That was kind of what I was asking – am I right in thinking that a smaller school would be more helpful or might a larger one actually have more resources? My thinking is that a large school has a lot of resources, but you have to be more proactive to get them.
Anon
From my perspective, larger schools have more resources because they need them more.
Anon
This is our experience. Our kid was diagnosed with ADHD their first year of college and the small school they attend had far fewer resources than the two state universities I had worked at.
Anonymous
I have attended and worked at both large and small schools, and my daughter currently attends a small school. In my experience even if a large school appears to have more resources, the resources that do exist will be much more available and much easier to access at a small school. Small schools also offer much more of the type of structure that kids with ADHD have trouble creating for themselves. For example, my daughter’s SLAC requires all freshmen to take two “freshman experience” classes that teach them how to be college students, including how to interact with faculty during office hours. There is a yearlong orientation program that covers everything from assualt prevention to income taxes. Courses are scheduled in fixed blocks so it’s easier to construct a schedule without conflicts. No academic classes are held during designated arts rehearsal/varsity sports practice times. Students are required to meet regularly with an advisor to plan their schedules and ensure that all graduation requirements are being met. Students with ADHD are eligible for a menu of accommodations and there is an office that manages those. All students are required to live on campus so no one has to deal with the logistical hassles of off-campus life. We had none of this at the large elite public university I attended. Nonwhite students were eligible for free tutoring, but that was it.
Anon
Depending on how severe his ADHD is, he may be eligible for state vocational rehab if his family income is low enough. They may set him up with OT, which can be very helpful in staying organized and getting him through community college and getting him qualified for any programs or financial supports or even assistance with learning how to drive. If he is bright, the CC to State U pipeline is robust, especially for first generation students. In NJ, TCNJ is a well-regarded small state college. In-state tuition is helpful and parts of Cornell are state U for some purposes. WHich state they are in may matter a lot.
Nina
I don’t think he would qualify. They’re kind of at the worst spot to get financial aid – they have money but not “pay for private college” money
Anon
muhlenberg and northeastern both have good services. i just dont know how competitive they are these days. also generally colleges on the quarter system can be good for students with learning differences because they don’t take as many classes at the same time
Anonymous
Not necessarily so re. the quarter system. I attended a university on the quarter system and took just as many courses per quarter as I would have taken at a semester school. A standard load was 4 courses of 4 quarter hours each, just as the standard load at a semester college is 4 courses of 4 semester hours each. You had to take 3 quarter courses in place of 2 semester courses–so a year of foreign language was 3 quarters instead of 2 semesters, the 2-year core courses in my major were 6 quarters instead of 4 semesters, a 1-year intro sequence for a major was 3 quarters instead of 2 semesters, instead of 8 upper-division semester courses a major would require 12 quarter courses.
SF in House
Late reply, but I want to respond to a couple of comments about larger schools and quarter systems. My son has ADHD and goes to a UC. They are extremely bureaucratic and it was on him to figure out. He has to register EVERY QUARTER for accommodations and it is not uncommon for there to be insufficient space for exams for students needing extra time. Fortunately, he is good at advocating for himself, but the executive function portion of figuring it out was really hard. On the quarter system being easier than semesters for someone with ADHD, that is what we thought going in too. It has ended up being pretty challenging due to the pace/workload.
Anon
What’s the best audiobook you’ve listened to recently? I have a knitting project to get though. I just slogged my way thought “To Say Nothing of the Dog” which many of you recommended. It took a while to find that one entertaining but it got there eventually, and my knitting companion, my English bulldog, was interested in hearing about Cedric (or so I imagined – mostly she just snored.) The excellent narration for that one was as important as the content for me.
I’ve listened to Tom Hanks reading The Dutch House and I’ve already read Tom Lake, so what other books should I look into?
Anon
I really enjoyed The Rachel Incident.
Senior Attorney
I enjoyed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society — it’s an epistolary novel and all the letter-writers were voiced by different actors.
Seattle Freeze
A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers – and the rest of her Wayfarers series. I’m blowing through it right now while knitting a sweater and really enjoying the books. Character-driven rather than plot-driven scifi – I read a description of her work as “hopepunk” and that really nails it.
Anonymous
Here are some recs and I always get ideas from the blog comments section too:
https://modernmrsdarcy.com/full-cast-recording-audiobooks/
Anon
Thanks all! I appreciate all the recs and have put all of these on my “hold” list on Libby, as well as a few from the linked article. So grateful for this community.
Anon
does anyone know where i can find a list of federally recognized ‘heritage months’ for lack of a better term?
Anon
https://www.uscourts.gov/about-federal-courts/educational-resources/annual-observances
Anon
If you just need a general overview and not a definitive source of truth, Wikipedia actually has a decent “list of month-long observances” entry.