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Coffee Break: Sliced Tahitian Pearl Pendant Necklace

Tahitian pearls are on my bucket list, I think — and I love the simple style to this gorgeous “sliced” pearl pendant necklace from Samira 13, who has a lot of playful, fun takes on pearl jewelry. (Ooh, looove these hoop earrings, too.) With the necklace, I like the rose gold, the diamond halo, and the teensy additional diamond accenting the chain. The necklace is $3,800 at Barneys. Sliced Tahitian Pearl Pendant Necklace Looking for something more affordable? This $350 necklace is similar; this $92 necklace (down from $155!) is as well. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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214 Comments

  1. Given how complicated politics has become, how much do you worry about balancing your interests/other Americans versus people generally? Was talking to my sister in suburban south jersey and was shocked her reaction was — I feel bad for people who can’t get into the country via the southern border or travel ban, but I can only worry about people already here – like people here without healthcare, people who’ll lose jobs with a trade war. She’s not THAT kind of person and part of me was thinking is this fatigue from too much info? Or is she legit only limiting concern to Americans.

    1. I think your sister is racist. She’s not just not at the barricades, which find we all have lives, she’s disavowing even lip service concern. She is those people and she is racist.

      2. I disagree. We simply cannot let in everyone who wants to come in. Who is going to pay for their care and feeding? Not you, but those of us who must pay taxes. I really resent people like you who call us racist just because you pretend to have a different viewpoint. When push comes to shove, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that you won’t shell out a dime or invite them into your home to house and feed them. Your true colors shine out, NIMBY lady!

      3. People like you are the reason why Trump is going to get a second term. Declaring someone racist just because they don’t agree with you is just as close-minded as those you’re calling racist.

        2. Exactly. Just because someone doesn’t process information your way doesn’t make them a racist.

        3. And people who think that being called out for your racism is anywhere near BEING AN ACTUAL RACIST are the reason we are in this mess. Just sit down and think for a minute, won’t you??

        5. +1. Racism actually means something. It doesn’t mean every opinion you disagree with.

          1. Sometimes I wonder if there needs to be a new word for this. It’s just a losing battle to argue about this because once you accuse someone of this they basically stop listening. We can disagree all we want but it’s pointless. The word racist was a great word for calling out overt racism, but sexism and racism now are so much more subtle and pernicious that I really we need new language to address it.

          2. Prejudiced? Biased? Not sure, AIMS, but I think while we may not “need” a new word (racism is racism, whether it’s overt or subtle), I appreciate nuance in language, and I think it might make those calling-outs more productive. Whether it’s right or not to make people with biases more comfortable in order to get them to listen is another matter, but for efficacy of conversation, I definitely agree.

        7. Yep.

          Illegal immigration hurts poor minorities the most. Wanting to help inner-city blacks doesn’t make me racist.

          1. Nope. Let’s not try to get the minorities mad at the other minorities. Thank you very much. If illegal immigration hurts the country (and I don’t think it does and I’m a minority) then it hurts everyone. Don’t trot out the . No ma’am.

          2. that should be don’t trot out the “if we didn’t have illegal immigrants, then poor blacks could take those jobs in the fields, restaurants, etc.”

        8. I don’t understand this. We are voting based off not liking the people who support The Other Guy now? This rationalization makes me feel like people who use it are….racist. Or bigoted. Or whatever. And using the “they called me racist and were mean to me” as a pretext for supporting Trump.

      4. I disagree. She disagrees with the travel ban but is focusing on healthcare and employment. I don’t understand how that makes her a racist. I donate to a handful of charities, but not EVERY charity, that doesn’t mean that I am actively against what those charities support. There is a limited amount of time, money and energy.

        Unfortunately, I think the republicans are winning (and will win the midterms and Trump will win president again in 2020) because the democrats are taking an all or nothing attitude. Either you agree with me on every single topic or you are a racist, mysogynist, etc.

      5. I feel like pols have been encouraging immigration from other countries in part to show certain groups of people in America how folks can come from literally nothing and make something of themselves. So they stop blaming outside factors. I think that is a little bit racist on their part. That is just my theory. You
        can also say that taking so many immigrants will take jobs away from the poor in America…jobs and opportunities. I think that is also racist in a way. Some will say I am racist for saying this, but I feel like AA in America are regarded by pols as the lowest in the totem pole worldwide. Just my opinion.

    2. It’s certainly fatigue for me. I’m in politics – my phone dings nonstop with some awful alert about what the cheeto has done today. I’ve had to block everything out politically except my specific work portfolio. On the weekends, my husband and I drive hours to visit small towns on the water to escape because I NEED that escape.

      I care. A lot. But I’m maxed out. So I’m paying more attention to our home and our local community…and I carve out Saturdays for a respite. I’ve even mostly abandoned social media because I just can’t take anything else.

    3. You can be fatigued from politics without being racist. It is literally impossible to give due diligence to every single important issue around the world. How many of you consistently think about the damaging effects of climate change on rural agrarians in the Sahel or of the terrible conditions refugees en route via open sea to Australia face? Humans are hardwired to care more about their immediate communities and it would not be possible to care equally about everything.

      1. Exactly. It is entirely disingenuous to question someone’s morals because they are not verbally expressing outrage at a specific very public issue. Just because it is public right now does not make it any more insanely awful than, say, Yulin dog meat festival. Or centuries long female infanticide in India and China. I feel like the people who believe one must verbally express outrage or otherwise one has no morals are either very young and this is their first glimpse into politics affecting real people or live very sheltered lives and are generally not exposed to world news. Talking about it – now that’s it’s public – doesn’t do anything other than exhaust those around you. Do something instead.

        1. Yeah, I feel that too. I hate when someone judges me for caring about one issue and not ALL the other issues that are just as serious or even worse. “How can you care about that when people are DYING in [country]?” First of all, who said that was the only thing I cared about? I can care about many things, I was just talking about that issue because it was relevant to what was being discussed, or because it’s what’s on my mind today, or because it directly impacts me, or because I know more about this issue than I do about other stuff.

          But at the same time, I do only have so many forks to give. I try to give out as many forks as I can, but I run out sometimes. I’m running out now, and I’m starting to realize that it’s making me really drained and cranky, and that crankiness is coming out in ways that are causing total strangers to call me names because someone was only trying to help when she politely advised me to eat less food (she wasn’t wrong, I do need to eat less, I just wasn’t looking for weight loss advice at the time so it felt a little, I dunno, not great and I snapped and things got ugly and everyone piled on me for it), so now I’m unraveling and feeling like garbage so excuse me if I don’t care about literally every issue impacting humans all the time every day.

    4. I’m trying to parse this — of course it’s tricky when it’s second hand, but is your sister saying, “I feel bad for people who can’t get into the country via the southern border or travel ban, but I can only worry about people already here” like … (1) “eh, sucks to be them, but we can’t change that policy because we’ve got too many problems here already!” or (2) “it isn’t fair that we’re doing this, and I want to see it changed, but I’m worn out from all the whatever I’m doing re: healthcare/homelessness/whatever, so I just can’t focus on that too. but keep fighting the good fight, sis!”

      I have heard people say #1 with some frequency, so that’s what I thought you meant. But it seems like other posters are hearing #2.

      1. Good point, it’s open to interpretation and I think how we’re interpreting it might be based on the attitudes we’re seeing and hearing in our daily lives – what our friends, coworkers, and partners are saying about the issue.

      2. Honestly I read it as #2, but it is unclear. I agree with Rainbow Hair’s attempt to make a distinction.

    5. Your sister’s thinking is zero sum, which is how I view virtually all of Trump’s positions. People in America don’t automatically lose when another person enters this country. Americans are not necessarily better off when we are selling more goods to another country than they sell to us. We do not necessarily improve our own security by building up our military and refusing to assist other countries militarily or economically. People are retreating to a simplistic way of thinking, limiting their empathy to what is in front of them, because it is complicated and exhausting to extrapolate the consequences of policies when we evaluate them in terms of an interconnected global community. To be fair, it is more exhausting to have to make those extra intellectual leaps. But we really can’t go backwards to a time when the world was more static, when travel and communications and economic transactions across national boundaries were complicated and expensive and restricted. [Consider this: In 1995, I had to travel across the Florida/Georgia border to deposit my paycheck into my Nationsbank (?) account because I was not permitted to make an interstate deposit!] Times have changed. I don’t care how wistful (White) people are for the 50s (for whatever reason, but most especially the overriding racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, and jingoistic reasons). That time is gone. A retreat to he lazy thinking being advocated by Trumpers and the GOP is appealing when we have so much rapid change and information from so many sources to keep up with, but it is also a national security threat.

    6. I don’t think this is racist, but maybe it’s something like “citizenist”? Ever since the ridiculous conspiracy theory about President Obama’s birthplace, it’s been bothering me that something like “the piece of dirt over which you are born” plays a role in determining citizenship in the 21st century.

      I hate that people are suffering so much in their countries of origin that immigration to the US seems worth the risks. Our wealth comes in part at other countries’ expense, and some of the suffering that drives people here is caused in part by the US. I feel like our country wants all the perks of imperialism and none of the responsibilities, and I feel torn between wanting us not to be imperialistic at all, and wanting us to do a better job of it. And the whole idea of citizenship seems broken in an era of refugees.

      1. Let’s not forget the HRC campaign came up with this years ago to try to throw out that other unexperienced guy who came from nowhere and beat her to the presidency. It wasn’t Trump or the Reps…

        I think immigration is fine, but we obviously don’t have a great system for it. Seems so haphazard…for years. We need to get more organized. And yes, citizenship is important so that everyone is on the books so that they are not exploited by employers who allow them to work under the table for less money and no protections. That is how it works here. It is to keep everyone safe.

        1. Oh please. The HRC campaign did NOT come up with the Obama birther theories. You are ridiculous.

  2. What are your favorite nonprofits that work to improve life or alleviate immediate suffering in Latin America?

    I’m particularly interested in Nicaragua (last I checked, the death toll of anti-government protestors and their families has topped 200 since protests started in April and work is grinding to a halt) and Venezuela. However, any group having success with limiting gang violence that as plagued other countries or doing other important work would also be of interest.

    Best I’ve found is giving money to a friend to pass along to to a friend in country who is buying food for the hungry, but there has to be a better way to help.

      1. I want to add Semillas is working in the communities affected by the earthquakes in september 2017. The earthquakes are no longer in the headlines, but the reconstruction efforts will take months and years.

  3. An interesting thought experiment, but also a somewhat serious question: What is the tipping point when you would look to leave the United States? Perhaps I’ve just been watching too much Handmaid’s Tale, but I’ve been thinking recently about whether I would recognize, in the moment, when our country had fundamentally changed such that it was no longer a place where I could continue to live. I am a white professional woman, so I realize that I am much more fortunate in this respect than other people. I know many people whose grandparents faced a similar dilemma in fleeing central Europe during the years before WWII and I have always wondered how they determined when it was time to get out of there, and if they knew other friends and neighbors who simply waited too long.

    1. Do you mean leave because something affirmatively bad is being done to people of your faith, ethnicity etc? Or do you mean if people would leave simply saying – the US isn’t so great anymore, doesn’t align with my values?

    2. Was just thinking about this today and going to ask if I’m batsh_ crazy. Last night pondered getting my tubes tied; today wondered if there’s anywhere in the world that’s safe where my family and I should move.

      1. I’ve been thinking about getting my tubes tied too. Definitely moving up the replaced of my paraguard.

    3. I don’t know, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about, too. I am also a pretty well-off (not compared to a lot of you, but certainly compared to most people) and white. But I don’t think I have the resources to just pick up and move whenever I want to. So I guess I’d only do it if things got really bad, but I don’t know what “really bad” is. Know it when you see it, I suppose?

      I also feel an obligation to try to make things better here, so I don’t necessarily want to just pick up and leave and give up on that.

      1. +1. I feel an obligation on some level to stay here and make things better, combined with the idea that I am not nearly well-off enough to pick up and move just anywhere (and I have no marketable skills to use in any other country and speak no other languages – thank you US public schools). I discussed this with my husband a little last night though, and I think the tipping point for me would be somewhat akin to the Handmaid’s Tale taking of my actual property and financial accounts solely because I am a woman.

        1. But that’s the trouble, isn’t it? If that’s the tipping point, by the time they get there you won’t be able to do anything about it. If we’ve gotten to the point where a female needs a male to have financial accounts and property…you aren’t leaving the country either, I’m afraid.

      2. +1 to all of this. I also think for those of us who don’t have family in another country “oh just move” isn’t so simple. I don’t have the faintest idea how to emigrate to Canada or Europe and I’m not sure we’d be able to, without a job sponsoring us? DH is a university professor so I suppose he could apply to universities outside the US but getting an equivalent (tenured) job somewhere else would be really difficult and could take years.

    4. Everyone’s tipping point is different. For me, and I think for a lot of people, it’s
      1) when I stop being able to leave the house with the general expectation that I won’t be physically harmed by a stranger, my government, or a foreign government (other than statistically insignificant chances that anyone would face given living in a large city), and
      2) when I am unable to make a passable living due to political instability or cost of living when all other options have been exhausted (moving, moving jobs, moving industries, selling property, etc.).

      At least on part 1 we are definitely seeing a shift in the wrong direction on part 1, part 2 currently okay but only because I work as a professional.

    5. Actual conversation I had with my husband yesterday while I was utterly despondent about Kennedy’s retirement:
      Me – I don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t keep living in a place where I know everything is just a slow slide into hell. I swear to God, I am going to start looking at property in Canada.
      Husband – That’s not a rational reaction. When sh@t goes bad here, Canada will still be too close. Start with New Zealand.

    6. Already looking to leave. This place has been a sh*thole for a long time and it’s just getting worse.

      1. Yep good economy, jobs, freedom of religion and speech, the ability to start a business or move up by ones bootstraps — nah who wants that.

        1. seriously, in the same breath that everyone is denouncing the harsh treatment of children/migrants/refugees who are coming here – refugees who come from a place where their lives are actually endangered – people are seriously considering a move to canada Europe etc (but let’s be honest, we’re talking about white-privileged countries you all want to move to) so they can escape?

          everyone needs to take a deep breath and count to 3.

        2. “Yep good economy, jobs, freedom of religion and speech, the ability to start a business or move up by ones bootstraps — nah who wants that.”

          People with more nuanced/sophisticated thinking are able to discern that freedom of the press is going to be subtly eroded under Trump, who has already talked about libel law changes. People with more nuanced/sophisticated thinking are able to see the parallels between Germany in the 1920s/1930s and what is going on today. People of substance are able to see that Trump loves to rile up the base of uneducated, rural rubes who think they have a monopoly on “True America” and don’t care for non-whites (which includes Jews) all that much.

          Yes, of course many of these countries (Canada, Australia, NZ, many countries in W Europe) are, right now, better than the US.

    8. What is wrong with you people? We’re one of the richest countries in the world. The only ones richer are the middle eastern oil countries or the European countries with no economies. For all the whining about rights here, do you think it’ll be better for you in Saudi or UAE? Do you think you can get a job in Luxembourg? And everyone waxes poetic about Europe — I’m sure life is joyous in Spain with 16% unemployment. Sure things aren’t perfect but I think you all don’t realize how much worse/harder it is in the EU and Asia in different ways. You’d really leave when no one is threatening physical harm to you or your family because you can’t take 6.5 or 2.5 years with a president you don’t like?

      2. Chill out, she is asking what are people’s tipping points, not how to leave right now. Your panties are in too much of a twist over a hypothetical situation. You can’t say that you’d be happy doody to live here if we ever fell into a never ending martial law permanent government spying on citizen situation and you know it. And you don’t know what someone’s tipping point is unless you can live in their shoes.

        For example, if I were a female muslim permanent resident, against whom hateful rhetoric and physical harm have escalated in the last two years be double digits and a xenophobic administration will use any excuse to charge you with a miniscule crime to deport you.

        2. I’m a female Muslim citizen and I’m the one who said I wouldn’t leave one of the richest countries in the world because I dislike a president who necessarily has to be done by 2024 at the latest.

          1. What if that President wasn’t “done” in 2024? What if he somehow declares himself President for life? I’m not saying there’s any likelihood of this happening, but for the sake of a hypothetical discussion about tipping points, would that be your tipping point? If elections were suspended? If you had to file paperwork with the government identifying yourself as a Muslim? That’s what the discussion is here – what would make people consider leaving.

          2. AnonZ, you sound just like the nutjobs on the right that were saying the same thing about Obama declaring himself president for life

          3. Actually I don’t think AnonZ is far off at all. These are literally things Trump has public pondered, tweeted, etc. He is constantly testing the limits of his powers, of what he can get away it- his ultimate goal is for people to do exactly what he wants when he wants it and I have no doubt he will try to declare martial law (and will try to suffocate the checks balance on this by the other branches), try to falsely extend his term (will probably use a flimsy election rigging excuse), and do whatever he can to do what he wants. It may frighten you, but relatively wealthy and relatively safe countries have fallen into dictatorship and despair in a matter of years before and we are not immune just because of “USA” cheering and pride. We’re not that special.

          4. I don’t really think I sound like a “nutjob”. I didn’t say the “President for life” declaration was something that was going to happen, in fact, I specifically said in my comment that I didn’t think there was any likelihood of that happening. I’m just trying to explain to the poster I responded to how hypothetical conversations work. Someone could say, “My tipping point would be that the president declares his presidency for life,” and that would be a valid answer to the question, without touching on whether that is going to happen or not.

          5. You people realize that Trump is a professional bs artist troll, right? I wouldn’t hang onto every word and tweet. He’s a Manhattan lib who will eventually want to get back to his life. If he can.

          6. That’s sort of a moronic comparison, because Obama never gave one indication he was looking to be “president for life” (and as a University of Chicago professor – which we know is scary and intimidating to the rural rubes and their football factory schools — he certainly knows how unconstitutional that is!) versus Trump who has actually made statements to the effect that he wants to do this.

            Do you also want to claim that Obama questioned Bush’s citizenship just like Trump questioned Obama? Really, I’m embarrassed for you.

        1. Australia’s treatment of refugees and asylum seekers is equally or possibly even more inhumane than what has been happening with family separation on the U.S. southern border.

          1. I’m already an Australian citizen. I know it’s not perfect but it looks pretty good.

        4. Also, it is filled to the brim with animals that want to kill you.

          2. Haha yes this! I loved Australia when I visited but there are SO many poisonous snakes and spiders.

      4. But this is my point exactly, by the time your family is actually under threat of physical harm, or even severe economic harm, that’s probably already too late. How do we recognize the moment one or two steps ahead of that scenario so that steps can be taken to avoid that dire outcome?

        1. You don’t because 99.99% of the time you’d be wrong and nothing bad was going to happen and you would have upset the apple cart for no reason.

          1. Hey Anonymous! Perhaps you’re not of Jewish descent so you haven’t seen the sad, pleading letters from E European Jews to their loved ones in the US, pleading for help getting to the US. I have. Hmm, how well did that turn out? That’s why people are indeed asking “how can we identify the tipping point to leave before it’s too late.” They see the parallels.

            Super blithe about upsetting the apple cart for nothing.

          2. I agree with LaurenB. There are plenty of firsthand accounts of what people were thinking immediately before that tipping point was reached in Russia, in Germany, and in Iran (just to use examples I’m familiar with). They are very hard to read. And I do not believe that the world has changed since then such that things would play out very differently.

    9. Now. I have spent the past three months lobbying (successfully!) to be staffed on a project that will have me going back and forth to Singapore for the next few years. It is a good move career-wise but I am also doing it to build connections and a regular travel schedule, so that I’ve got one foot out the door.

      It was a bleak moment for me when I realized that I assumed it would be a strategically good idea to have an established record/schedule of leaving the country so that it would be less suspicious if I left one day with no intention of returning.

    10. Some countries have kings and strongmen, so it’s a lifetime problem. 4 years is doable. 4 more is doable too.

      1. It’s not just 4 years, or even 8 years. With SCOTUS it’s going to be generations of f*cked up-edness. OP is not irrational.

    11. Mine is almost perfectly Handmaid’s Tale – freezing all the bank accounts/credit cards with an “F” in the account info and firing women from all jobs. The former seems more likely than the latter.

      I don’t doubt that the US is a rich country and there aren’t problems in other countries, but it’s hard for me to say that my relatives in the UK and Western Europe have affirmatively “worse” lives (it reminds me a bit of how Lisa Simpson pesters a drug company exec who says, “well, they sleep on the floor in NORWAY.”). If anything, they have less to worry about re: health care, retirement, housing costs. Their salaries might be lower, but they certainly get valuable things from the state.

    12. I have wondered the same thing. Both my husband and I fled our respective home countries, and received asylum in two countries outside the US. My family waited much too long to flee that time – I am the only family member who made it out that I know of. My husband is from a country long infamous for human rights violations and authoritarianism. We had both dreamed of coming to America, and came here on student visas and stayed ever since, and work in law and finance. We liked our boring, safe, uneventful lives.

      We were out of the country when the travel ban executive order in Trump v. Hawaii came down, and my husband is from one of the countries on that list. He had an H1-B, and we were still waiting for his status to be adjusted to LPR after we got married. He was detained for days and was given minimal water and only one meal. I had to hire an immigration attorney to get him back. And I am an ethnic minority from a Muslim-majority country, and was persecuted for that and had to flee, and now I am being hassled when I travel even domestically because I am from a Muslim-majority country. Good grief.

      I don’t know why I am writing all this, but we are beyond frustrated and wonder if the writing is on the wall to get out now while we still can. We loved America before we even came here, and just want to have our boring lives and have a family and work and eventually become citizens. I used to be so excited to be able to vote eventually. We live in a liberal coastal city, but it feels like the country is slowly falling apart. The SCOTUS news this week was all so overwhelming.

      1. There is nothing that I can say that will convey how sorry I am that that happened to your husband and your family. Hugs.

    13. IIRC, it’s easy to visit a lot of countries, but you basically have to promise your first born and a kidney that you will 100% not work or be employed while you are there. I don’t think anyone will welcome you with open arms if they don’t have to take you b/c you are a citizen already. I have one friend who got permanent residence in Oz b/c she is some special sort of scientist and wasn’t taking a job from an Australian. Her uni sponsored her or was somehow involved in the process.

    14. I have thought about this, but this is my home. I could leave because I have a level of privilege that allows me to do so or I could stay and choose to use my privilege to help others.

      So I stay. And I work for what I believe in. And I put my money where my mouth is. And I actively chose to make the situation a little bit better.

      1. Yes – in addition, I don’t want to contribute to the white (privileged) flight out of the US, leaving the people who are not privileged enough to be able to leave in an even bigger mess than they may be now. It goes against who I want to be to leave a situation which I believe I can work to improve because it is frustrating, hard, etc., especially when it would leave people who I want to help in an even worse situation because the rich masses have left for greener pastures.

        FWIW, I am a crunchy hippie liberal.

    15. I think it depends on who you are and what your non-negotiables are. I am given to occasional panic too but I don’t think that this is going to turn into Nazi Germany. I think the more likely scenario is modern day Russia. Where everyone is actually more or less fine unless they want to get into politics or happen to be a minority group. Otherwise, shop, travel, spend money, eat sushi, enjoy your life. Many people are okay with that. Including it seems on this board.

      1. Hit reply too soon.

        In a way this scenario seems scarier to me because it has the potential to be more permanent. I think we take for granted here that everyone would be interested in what their government is doing in their name. That’s not true everywhere. I think – or I’d like to anyway – that anything truly terrible wouldn’t be permanent and would come to a head one way or another.

    16. I was just talking about this today. We are close to retirement age, and we could sell our house and make the required investment in New Zealand. It seems insane to be even thinking about it, but as I discussed with my friend at lunch today, all the people in history who got out in time did so when all their friends were thinking things would calm down and get back to normal. I don’t know but the news this week is pretty horrifying. The remaking of the federal judiciary (SCOTUS, yes, but also filling the lower courts with incompetent ideologues) is going to have lasting and far-reaching consequences.

      1. “The remaking of the federal judiciary (SCOTUS, yes, but also filling the lower courts with incompetent ideologues) ”

        My understanding is that the lower court picks are all rather brilliant people.

        You know that people can disagree with you and not be “incompetent ideologues,” right?

    17. Never. I love my country, and I am proud to be an American. Things are not always as we would like them to be — and this is true regardless of your politics. It is an honor and a privilege to live here, and my duty to continue to work towards, and show by example, all the things I hope my country to improve upon and become.

      Now cue the racist, sexist, empathy lacking, deplorables comments

      1. couldn’t you have just written the first paragraph and not the second? why are conservatives so defensive?

        1. +1

          I agree with the sentiment in the first paragraph, but why the martyr complex? You don’t have to be conservative to understand that it is a tremendous privilege to live in this country.

    18. My husband and I are already considering it. We are very disillusioned about the US – not just Trump, but the hateful people supporting Trump. We’d love to move to Canada or Norway, but DANG, Norway is hard to emigrate to. We are both attorneys and are worried we don’t really have many skills that would be marketable in other countries. We are practicing Norwegian on DuoLingo though…

      It’s not that we are worried for our safety or ability to make a living. We are a white, heterosexual couple with five degrees between us and a lot of family support. But we have kids and honestly feel like they might be better off in a different country for a million reasons (just to name a few – they could identify as LGBTQ, school shootings and the US’s bizarre pro-gun culture, medical insurance premiums and college expenses are just continuing to increase, domestic terrorism is on the rise, etc.). I wouldn’t flee to Mexico but I would absolutely move to a handful of other countries given the opportunity.

    19. What about moving to another part of the U.S.? The night before the election I dreamt I was living in SF, and there were Trump branded black helicopters dropping commandos into the City to try to quell the rebellion there. I don’t think the whole country is going to cave. I think we are more likely to fracture.

  4. I feel like I have no friends anymore. I recently switched jobs, so I have a ton more free time. I used to be ok with mainly socializing with my co-workers, but now I have all this additional time and don’t see them much. Two of my closer friends just moved away, two friends recently got married and had kids, and I just am really sad about no longer having people to hang out with. I’ve tried meeting people through meetups – I want friends I can go out to dinner or brunch with, go to a movie or outdoor concert together, etc. and I’m just not establishing those types of relationships via meetups. Any advice? I’m in DC, if that matters.

    How do I make new friends as an adult?

    1. Me! I just moved to DC and I’m in the same boat! Lets be friends!

      That was a lot of exclamation points, but truly, I’ve been doing the same thing (meetups, young professional events, exercise classes, just talking to random people at events) and finding people that you have second or planned interactions with is tough.

      1. Me too! I think you’ll actually find it’s pretty easy in DC because so many people are in the same boat.

        1. Okay, so I’m happy to take this on and coordinate some type of DC meet-up here. If you (or anyone on the site!) is interested, hit me up at britbrit1228 at the google mail and I’ll start emailing around for something.

          2. I’m interested! I’ve been in DC for a couple years but haven’t been great about meeting people outside of my already-existing circles

          3. Maybe in the next two weeks or so? I’ll see when people who email me are available. I know I’m out of town in a few weeks for work.

          5. Am in the same boat — longtime lurker on this board. Would love to join in! And thanks for taking on the organizing efforts.

      2. Maybe not doable for you, but also in DC, and almost all of my friends were people I worked with until I got a dog. There’s something about having a non-controversial, non-forced conversation topic with someone (the dogs) that really helped me make a good group of non-work friends.

        I still socialize with a lot of folks from work, but my dog has given me a great group of friends who I don’t work with.

    2. Tennis! While I love it as a sport, it is pretty social, esp. if you get into a doubles or mixed doubles league. I moved to a city where everyone was married with kids and the women were SAHMs and felt like such an odd bird. Then I started playing tennis, which I love as a sport even if I’m just a 3.0 player, and really met friends that way.

      I was in a women’s singles league and was a sub in a mixed doubles league.

      1. Oh, I love this! I just finished a monthlong beginner tennis class, so I guess it’s time to find a low-key league in my city.

    3. Become a regular somewhere that meets regularly- and if you have that much time on your hands you can be the person that creates that space. I met almost all of my gay friends in my city (that I grew up in so I have lots of other connections here- so I was trying to fill a gap in my social circle) at a bookclub that met every fourth Thursday of the month and still do (will be there today!). I help run it now. Lots of the other regulars from there are people I now invite to brunch and shows and gchat all day with and some of them are really close with me now. My wife had a similar gap and didn’t want to feel like she was coopting all of “my” friends and started her own meetup. That’s certainly more work but can make a lot of the awkward part of socializing less so since people expect you to reach out to them since you are the leader. It does take time though. I’m also in a city with lots of transients though I am a born and bred local and my experience is that lots of people are going through this. People who are in a similar situation won’t find you reaching out odd and alarming and would probably welcome. Good luck! It’s hard to feel lonely.

    4. 1) Meeting people through more permanent associations, not through fleeting interests such as your alumni club, church, your national or ethnicity specific community center / association, a professional association (not like HR but a licensed profession that people tend to personally identify with like engineer, doctor, lawyer, electrician, etc). These connection can build a solid base for friendship and more importantly gives you a reason to contact them after the initial meet

      2) Reach out and follow through with specific plans in a social or professional setting (i.e. great to meet you/see you, let’s grab lunch some time in the next two weeks, I’m available XYZ dates and times, when are you?). Making a friend requires repeated consistent contact. You may grab lunch with a co-industry colleague 10 to 15 times before you consider them friendly enough to invite to an unrelated social event. Making friends takes time and active effort, like dating.

    5. bumble bff – with a strong proactive limit on ages (so your life stages are similar) and location (so you’re making friends who are always limited by commuting)

      I’ve made a great group of women in my mid-Atlantic city

  5. I don’t have much on making new friends, but do have something on keeping the old—

    Parent with young kids here. I’m not the easiest to hang with these days, but I love seeing friends who don’t have kids who are willing to join us on a park outing or come by for a weekend lunch that includes kids. However, I hesitate to ask unless a friend signals their willingness to do kid-oriented activities because it feels like an imposition.

      1. PLEASE ask us. I get so discouraged when I reach out to my mom friends and never hear back or hear back after a long time has passed and then see them doing all sorts of fun kids activities on social media that i would have loved to have been a part of.

    2. I’m single with no kids. I have no problem doing kid-oriented activities, but if I’m going to maintain a friendship with someone who has kids, I still would hope there’s a give and take. I would be thrilled if my married with kids friends invited me over for dinner and then we caught up over a glass of wine after the kids went to bed. I don’t want to always have lunch while my friends are making sure their kids eat their vegetables the whole time.

  6. If you are going to try to find a counselor, how do you know that they are good? I don’t know any friends to ask for recommendations (everyone will recommend a dentist) and don’t know if there is an Angie’s List for that or something else reputable.

    Also, is FaceTime OK?

    My SIL (different city) is seeing someone who has given her her personal cell #. Is that a boundary issue or totally normal?

    I just want to make sure I don’t go to the Rasputin of counselors. With my luck, I would.

    1. Do you like your primary care doc or gynecologist? You can ask them for a referral.

      Your insurance provider probably has a list of psychologists/therapists that you can sort by gender, specialty, etc. Honestly though I found my current therapist through a careful google search.

    2. Definitely google and then google again. Then google with some keywords that would be dealbreakers for you. Like “Dr. Smith homophobic.” Or “Dr. Jones disciplinary.”

      Wanna know how I know? The first psychiatrist i saw yelled at me and told me to stop nursing my infant, so i thought #2 was pretty good, if a bit of a weird a-hole. Turns out! He’s like a card-carrying homophobe! Like literally was a named plaintiff in a suit saying the govt shouldn’t offer certain protections for gay people. So I’m on to doc #3. Wish me luck!

    3. It is important that counselors/psychologists are licensed to provide services in your state, regardless of where the therapist may be residing/practicing. This is something that many providers of tele-psychology fail to address. There are many position papers out there by the American Psychological Association as to how this should be done appropriately. There’s murkiness with regard to private phone numbers etc. and that should all be spelled out in the Psychologist’s office policies as well as HIPAA policies – which you can ask for before “signing on” with someone. As an emerging demand, it seems that tele-psychology and face time sessions may be better than phone sessions as the nonverbal language is there. But no one should be “seeing” the therapist’s home life, if you get my drift.

      Here’s just a general guide as to how to find a psychologist and questions to ask.

      http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx

      Wishing to a great choice and support. :) from an internet stranger in the field

  7. OMG I just started reading this.

    It made me stabby and want to cry all at the same time. Finally it seems like someone understands.

  8. When do you know it’s time to throw away a cutting board (whether wooden or plastic)? Just conditioned my wood cutting boards for the first time ever and wondering.

    1. With my kitchen goods, I think it’s like SCOTUS and p*rn, you know it when you see it. The minute you start contemplating that a kitchen item like a cutting board needs to go, that’s when I toss it/donate it/repurpose it.

    2. I throw my plastic cutting boards away about once a year and with good conditioning, will keep a wooden cutting board until it cracks or splinters. (My current one is ten years old.)

      I use plastic cutting boards for primarily meat, chicken and fish so they come into contact with potential bacteria on the regular. As soon as they become pitted, discolored or appear unsanitary, I toss them.

    4. I use wood for vegetables and plastic for meat/poultry/fish.

      Wood I replace when warped.

      Plastic I replace when there are lots of cut marks. My understanding is that these can harbor bacteria, even though I run my plastic cutting boards through the dishwasher.

  9. Have any of you gotten your tubes tied? It’s not just the current political climate, but my desire to just not worry about birth control and continue thinking about my decision to not become a mother. I’d love to just…finalize it.

    1. There are many options to basically be sterilized without a major surgery. You should talk to your doctor. Some options include:
      IUD – Good for five years (U.S.) or 7 (Europe) – it’s the same instrument, just different medical recommendations by area
      Tube Occlusion – Spring coils in the fallopian tube

      Or getting your partner to go the easier clipped route.

      1. Or 10 years if you get a paraguard. (Although the cramps are killer. I’m probably going to switch to Mirena next time. I’ve got a few more years left)

        I considered it briefly, but I generally prefer not to have any surgery that is not medically necessary (thanks, years of working in med mal for making me paranoid)., so I just got an IUD

        1. I think Paraguard was recently approved for even longer? I had it 11 years before deciding to have a child. Now on Paraguard #2 and still so happy. No cramps. I LOVE not having artificial hormones which always mess up my cycle (normally only every 6 weeks, woo hoo!).

    2. Hmm it’s major surgery. The only people I know who’ve done it have done so when already doing a c section.

      1. My doctor has no issue with sterilizing women who haven’t had children, but strongly recommends that a male partner get snipped instead as that’s a simple outpatient surgery with less risk. (I’ve been gathering info myself as my SO and I plan to remain childless.) I believe the method of coils in the fallopian tubes (Essure, I think?) has had several reports of complications and comes with some serious warnings these days, but your doctor may have more or different info on the specifics.

      2. I had my tubes tied immediately after the (vaginal) birth of my last child. It was pretty painlesss. I was conscious and it took less than an hour.

    3. I decided to take part in round three of a study on permanent BC (I’d posted on here about it a few weeks ago) that is as minimally invasive as getting an IUD. Efficacy has been tested, this is a long term study needed prior to FDA approval. I decided to be part of it partially for myself (I can’t do an IUD, a metal allergy makes Essure dangerous, and I really want permanent BC) but also so that future generations of women have better options than currently exist, especially in our current political climate.

      For anyone interested, check out their website and the FDATrials .gov site – t is called FemBloc.

    4. I got my tubes tied in a laparoscopic outpatient procedure many years ago. It was incredibly easy. I went in at 7:00 a.m., was out by noon, and we picked up lunch on the way home. I only took painkillers the first day and didn’t need them after that. Had it done on a Friday and was practicing law full steam on Monday morning. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made!

    5. Yes I had a tubal ligation and I love it. I even had an unusual complication with one of the laparascopic incision sites (very uncommon) and it was still worth it! Worry free is a great place to be

    6. I got it doneand I’m so glad that I did. It is birth control that they can never take away from me. Plus it’s awesome. Any time, any place, no worries EVER.

  10. Any advice for how to get started with therapy? I have a few recommendations for people to reach out to, but I’d love to hear from you guys – everyone here is so pro-therapy, and it’s what really motivated me to start, but now I’m kind of like “but how does this work”? What should I be doing or thinking about beforehand?

      1. This! My therapist sent me a link to an intake questionnaire I filled out before my first appointment.

    2. I find it really helpful to spend a few days thinking about the concrete issues that are bothering me. Last time I started with someone new, I went in with a handwritten note with three items written down and we talked about those and which was bothering me most/what I wanted to start with.

      1. You said you have recommendations. If you don’t, I’ve just used a list from my insurance company and zoc doc.

      2. I decided I was interested in a particular format (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and then i googled. Found someone near me who looked good, checked reviews, booked a session, liked her, kept booking more.

        You don’t click in the first session, you try someone else.

    4. After making the initial appointment, think about why you want or need to be there, what you hope to get out of therapy. That was one of the first questions my therapists have asked. It doesn’t have to be a super definitive or concrete.

      Also, once you find someone you like, be prepared to be honest and really talk.

      Good luck :)

    5. What made you decide you wanted therapy? Call, make an appointment, talk about that. Feel free to bring notes if you like! Alternatively: call, make an appointment, therapist asks you what you want to talk about, see what comes out.

      Good for you and good luck!

    6. Therapy isn’t something you have to “get right.” You just go, and the therapist’s job is to help uncover what’s needed and move you forward. Don’t let not knowing how to get started keep you from getting started. Make the call, make the appointment, and let it unfold from there.

      1. This. I go in thinking we’re talking about A and she’s all, what I’m hearing is X. And then we manage X to get to A.

        Calling and going are the first right steps. Good luck, and good for you!

    7. I started with a list of therapists that my insurance were contracted with. Then, I looked at their qualifications and threw out anyone who was specifically affiliated with a conservative religious group. Next was to see what kind of practice specialization they had and disqualified anyone who specialized in pediatrics or geriatrics. From there, I started making calls to see how quickly they could get me in. I ended up hitting really well with my second choice, and I saw him for most of a year.

      I’ve also given his name & number to multiple friends as someone who was highly ethical and also had a good sense of humor, something that surprised him when I told him that he could expect referrals. He had never had a patient who was willing to be open with their friends that they were seeking mental health services.

    8. I found mine through the Psychology Today dot com therapist finder. You can sort by all kinds of things from location to insurance to specialty.

      1. As I posted above, here’s some questions to think about.

        http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx

        It IS trial and error. We are not a “fit” for everyone and as a professional, I’m the first to say I don’t have the skill set or it seems to not be working etc.

        Your State’s Psychological Association usually has a referral board as well and it lists orientation, experience, etc.

  11. Am relatively new to the pro-choice movement (used to be an ardent pro-lifer until a few year ago) and would appreciate suggestions on where to direct donations over the next few months (years?). Thank you in advance for genuine suggestions. I am not interested in any sort of debate – I left the pro-life (pro-birth?) movement after years of toxicity and abuse from “religious” elders and will not be responding to any troll comments or insults.

    1. Great question! I like NARAL, Planned Parenthood, and Guttmacher Institute (research and policy),

      Depending on where you are, there may be some great local organizations too. In Georgia I like Magnolia Fund and Feminist Women’s Health Center. Additionally, the Jackson Women’s Health Organization is the only clinic in Mississippi, you can donate to them directly.

    2. Planned Parenthood!!! This is money that really goes towards women’s health and pregnancy prevention. I cannot tell you how many of my Latina classmates in San Francisco were saved from teenage pregnancies by this organization (before someone jumps down my throat, Latina may not be important except two facts: 1. medically, Hispanic female populations enter puberty earlier than whites; and 2. Hispanics in the US socially tend do be Catholic and pro-life and pregnant teenagers will often carry to term due to social pressure).

    5. In addition to the above, RH Reality Check does great journalism in this area. The National Women’s Law Center does a variety of work but also in the reproductive rights arena. I definitely agree that finding and supporting your local clinics is key right now.

    6. Thank you for the suggestions, truly. I will set up monthly donations to a few of those places.

    7. I’m not sure if these are the “best” options, but I donate monthly to Planned Parenthood (the national organization) and my local women’s medical fund (that has changed based on where I’ve lived).

    8. Will also add National Advocates for Pregnant Women – one of their mission statements is that “no one is punished for the outcome of their pregnancies whether they have an abortion, experience a pregnancy loss, or go to term and give birth to a baby.” Their work is super interesting and important – some of it focuses on the increasing number of criminal laws that seek to penalize women for birth outcomes and substance abuse during pregnancy (tons of research that these laws are almost exclusively applied against low income and/or minority status women and serve the exact opposite purpose of infant health by driving pregnant women away from care they need).

      1. Yes! Thank you. This is the one I was trying to remember. Their work is incredibly important.

  12. Repost from this morning, got caught in mod:

    My partner just got promoted and won manager of the year award at his org – any ideas of a gift/thing we can do to celebrate? He doesn’t have a traditional role (doesn’t wear suits, carry a briefcase, etc.) and he doesn’t drink liquor. Last time his team won a big award I made a nice ribeye dinner and we drank like two bottles of nice champagne, which went over well but left us both on the couch for about two days straight!

    He’s nerdy/geeky and likes food. Appreciate any ideas!

    1. Maybe take him out to a fancy restaurant in your city? It might be expensive, but less so since he isn’t ordering liquor. Or maybe a particular gadget he’s had his eye on?

  13. Can anyone recommend shoes for doing a lot of walking in a hot and humid environment? Some kind of sandal? Dansko sandals? Those yoga mat sandals?

    1. Tevas are good for walking but will make your feet very hot and smelly, at least if you’re like my husband. :P

    3. check out Taos sandals. I just bought a pair of their sneakers and it’s made a HUGE difference in how my feet feel walking. They have a high arch, which was apparently my missing piece. I was looking specifically for sneakers, so I didn’t look at their sandals much, but I assume they’re built in a similar way.

    4. Those yoga mat sandals are going to make your feet sweat like crazy, especially if you’re walking long distances. TBH, I’d probably suck it up and find the most breathable pair of sneakers possible. Sweat + sandals + lots of walking = misery.

    5. Birks. I’d imagine anything leather is going to be better than manmade materials.

    6. What sort of walking… like, between buildings? Recreationally on paved paths? Hiking? Do you need to look any particular sort of way? You’ve got lots of options, but we need to know more!

    7. Depends on what kind of foot issues you have, but for sure look at sandals with a suede or textured insole. The ones with the smooth leather insole can get really sticky and grabby in hot and humid and foot-sweating weather. I’ve gotten blisters on the soles of my feet from that and it is not conducive to lots of walking!

      I personally like rieker shoes for stuff like this. They’re a euro brand and may come across as frumpy to American eyes, but they really are built for walking and good foot health.

  14. Building off a comment upthread, I’d love to start playing tennis again, but it’s literally been 20 years since I held a racket. How do I get started? Lessons? League? Tennis facility? I think it would be really fun to have a weekly date to just hit the ball around, but have no idea of how to jump back in.

    1. Check your local Parks and Rec department. I started as a newbie with my Parks department and the beginners/intermediate drop-in classes they had. It was a great way to start just playing and the instructors were able to pair you up with different levels of players.

      1. +1

        This is what I did. It was MUCH cheaper than joining a tennis club to learn. And much more my style. It was also a nice way to meet some other folks in my neighborhood.

    2. Have you checked to see if there’s an organization in your area that offers adult beginner classes? I’d Google “adult beginner tennis [your area]” and see what comes up. It’s possible local organizations and rec centers are more focused on kids’ activities in the summer (not making an assumption, just a hypothesis), but it’s worth checking out!

    3. For many country clubs and tennis clubs, you can often take lessons from pro before joining if there aren’t parks/rec or USTA leagues in your city. My tennis club also has clinics that people do that is like a gym class for adults where you do drills and play points while getting pointers.

      I was in a similar boat and did some saturday clinics (maybe $10-20/a class), pro lessons, seasonal leagues. I met a lot of friends that I could also e-mail re meeting up randomly just to hit or play.

  15. I feel really guilty for even thinking/feeling this, but here goes. I make more than double what my husband makes (~$280k vs. $110k). And he actually really likes his job, whereas I pretty much hate mine and am stressed all the time, have to work weekends and nights, etc. For example, today I am pulling my hair out I’m so stressed (not literally) and he took off at 2 pm to go to some scavenger hunt with his coworkers (this was a work-sanctioned activity btw). Not that his work is always sunshine and roses, but he basically does not have to worry about working after-hours except answering a few emails here and there. I hate it when I vent about how I don’t have enough hours in the day to get stuff done and he’s like “yeah, same here,” but the difference is that if I don’t get everything done, I’m screwed, whereas he can just put it off until the next day.

    We’re having a baby later this year and so on top of work stress, I don’t feel great, I hate my body right now, and I’m just feeling so resentful. I feel like we both get the benefits of our high income but I’m the one really sacrificing for it. I don’t really know what to do. I think he knows that he’s underpaid and he talks about looking for something else, but he likes his job and if it weren’t for the lowish pay, he would stick it out. Meanwhile, I can’t envision myself doing this job for longer than another year or so, and will probably have to take at least a 50% pay cut when I leave.

    Has anyone been in the same boat?

    1. I think this is how my H feels about me. I do take on most of the emotional labor though. I would like to make more money and yes I feel I am sponging sometimes. Can you change careers or employers to make it easier for when the baby comes?

      1. Unfortunately I’m the one with the fancy degree, so changing careers would be a huge blow financially and to my self-esteem. I will certainly change employers at some point in the next couple years, but will likely take ~50% pay cut to do so.

        Re: emotional labor – husband is pretty good about this – I wouldn’t say it’s 50/50, but maybe 60/40. And I’m confident he will be an extremely hands-on parent. As far as errands, housework, pet care, cooking, etc., it’s basically 50/50 but he does take on an extra load when I am extra busy at work.

    2. Address YOUR work situation, and stop worrying so much about your husband’s. I don’t blame you a bit for not enjoying where you’re at, but resenting your husband for your crappy work environment isn’t quite fair. (Unless he’s the one pushing you to stay where you’re at — that’s a different story altogether.)

      1. That’s fair, thank you. It’s hard knowing that I am making the bulk of our HHI – I worry about losing my job and having everything go to sh*t. It just feels like a lot of pressure. Husband isn’t pressuring me to stay in my job, but he enjoys our lifestyle. He grew up wealthier than I did. We don’t live a lavish lifestyle at all, but we are very comfortable and if I took a 50% pay cut, we would either have to drastically cut back our expenses, savings, or student loan payments, which would all hurt.

        1. Sure it would, but you’d figure it out just like all of the other people who figure it out on far less money. The unknown is scary but people deal with bad situations all the time.

        2. “I worry about losing my job and having everything go to sh*t”

          Yep. That’s being the breadwinner. And it totally s*cks. Sorry. I’m in the same situation.

          I know people are being a bit harsh with you but I can totally relate. I make 4x what my husband does and he does NOT love his job. Pretty often he’s like “f*ck it, you can support both of us” and threatens to quit his job. which drives me up a wall.

          I do think it’s right that you should look for a better compromise with your job. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as taking a 50% pay cut or quitting work altogether. You’re pregnant and you need to start working less toward the end of your pregnancy anyway. I know you don’t want to hear it, but pregnancy hormones could also be playing a role in how stressed you feel about this.

          Promise yourself you will take a good, hard, serious look at this after you come back to work post partum, and give yourself time. Perhaps you can come back 3/5 time at first, or WHF a day or two per week (you’ll still need childcare but you could spare yourself the commute.)

          Now is not the time to make a major decision. But there’s nothing wrong with asking your husband to keep looking for something higher paying to take some of the pressure off of you, especially since he has already been half-heartedly looking.

          Hang in there.

    3. Your husband may be low paid for his role, but he isn’t low paid. You’ll be fine if you quit and take a 50% pay cut, I promise. It’ll be good for your mental health. Even if you quit completely, your family would still be making an above average income. I know it’s hard to see the big picture sometimes.

    4. Do not pressure your husband to get a higher-paid job so you can maintain your current lifestyle. It is fair to say “My job is too much and I can no longer put up with this. I need to step back, which means I will have to take a pay cut and we will need to make some adjustments to our lifestyle.” But it’s not fair to ask your husband to leave a job he loves (which also sounds like it might afford him some flexibility once the baby arrives, which would be a very good thing) to make more money.

      Signed,
      Wife who is sick of her husband telling her to make a career change because he wants more $$$

    5. Sounds like a great case for him to take point on basically all parenting tasks! (Seriously, feel free to just go straight to formula.)

      It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t really understand how unhappy this job is making you, or how unequally burdened you feel. Have you explained it to him, big-picture? Have you asked him to start seriously applying for better-paying jobs? In the meantime, I would recommend cutting back your expenses (not savings and loan payments) now, so that you have more time to figure out where to cut back, and to get used to it.

      1. So you think the answer is for both people in this couple, who are about to be new parents, should get high stress jobs? The husband’s not the problem here.

        1. Sounds like you can’t relate to the pressure of being the breadwinner. I’m not the OP but I’m in a similar situation and it can be really stressful. Perhaps you could be a bit more empathetic.

          1. I empathize with OP but I don’t think making her husband leave a job he enjoys just so they can both be miserable is in any way the solution. She’s unhappy with her job, so she needs to find a new job, not pressure her husband to find a job that pays more.
            Also as anew parent, let me just say there are HUGE advantages to having one parent with a flexible, low stress job who can shoulder the burden of being the “primary parent.” Even if your child goes to daycare 40 hrs/week, the mental load of parenting is significant and having a partner who’s willing to take that on can be a huge relief and enable the breadwinner to lean into their career more.

          2. do you think every single breadwinner out there feels this way? so, all of the husbands who are supporting families? might be time to thank your husband for bringing home the bacon all these years.

        2. Oh, no, I think husband should look for a job that pays more but isn’t as high-stress as OP’s job (ie a regular-paid job instead of an underpaid one, though I confess I wonder what he’s doing that’s underpaid at $110k), so that she can feel less pressure (“I worry about losing my job and having everything go to sh*t”) and so that they’ll be less squeezed when she quits and finds a less-stressful job.

          But also, the more I think about this, the more I think you need to value your mental and emotional well-being over your lifestyle and just cut expenses.

    6. On no planet is 110k lowish. Get a grip. If you hate your job make a new plan. Not his fault you’re being a martyr to golden handcuffs.

  16. Does anyone use Frownies? What is your opinion? Is there an alternative other than injectables and the scam of fascia blasting which seems to have ruined people’s skin and bodies? I’m 38 and worry about my 11s. I also worry that Frownies have made them worse due to making my muscles stronger there…like resistance training. I overthink, I know…

  17. Do any of you also get annoyed that people who never once said hi to you in the halls in school are suddenly wanting to connect with you or, even worse, asking you for donations since they are now running for congress? I have two law school classmates who are doing this – I don’t want to assume they are the same people they were 20 years ago, but then again, it seems to me a little self-serving to reach out to me pretending we are friends when you were not friendly toward me ever but now you need some funds. Is this just how political candidates have to be so I should just get over it?

    1. This. I don’t mind supporting actual classmates who were friendly but not close, but this one “friend” who was a moocher in law school and generally an irresponsible and rude person? NFW.

    2. That’s how campaigns work and you should get some thicker skin if it annoys you that much. Ignore their requests and move on.

      2. I strongly disagree. How is this any better than getting hit up by an acquaintance in a MLM company?

    3. It’s ridiculously annoying. I’m 40 and I feel like this is the year where everyone I know is running for congress.

  18. It’s not remotely major surgery unless you’re a drama queen. Had it done on a Friday. Out by the afternoon, went home and slept, just needed to make sure that the kids didn’t bounce on my bed. Took it easy and stayed home that weekend and didn’t do anything requiring major exertion. Back to work on Monday and left for a ski trip later that week. I was 3 years past childbirth (c-s).

    1. Sounds like you experienced no complications whatsoever; good for you! The risks are objectively greater for a tubal than for a vasectomy.

    2. I reserve my right to be a major drama queen about someone cutting into my body and messing around with my internal organs.

    3. This is why I no longer come to this board for advice on anything personal. So rude and unnecessary. Who needs a stranger being snarky.

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