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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Cropped Blazer

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. To me, this doesn't really seem like a “cropped” blazer as it's labeled, as much as a fitted/shrunken blazer. (Although it does look a little shorter in the back.) I like the darts and the very simple collar, and I think it would make a great basic. It comes in plus (0X–2X) and regular (XS–XL) sizes; the former is on sale for $49.99 from $70, and the latter, $43.99 from $64. The blazer is made from a rayon/nylon/spandex blend, so it has a bit of stretch, and it's machine washable. Simply Vera Vera Wang Cropped Blazer This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! (If you are interested in plus size workwear, please sign up for CorporettePlus, our newsletter! Signing up helps us gauge interest in the project, and we promise not to blast your email more than once a week at most. (Right now it’s more like once a month.) Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

341 Comments

  1. How do you style tops and dresses with a jewel neck? I found a dress I’d like to buy to wear to a wedding later this summer, but I realized I have no idea how to style this kind of top, which seems like it should be pretty basic. What jewelry would you wear with it? And what kind of wrap would you bring? Link in comment to follow.

    2. I would wear some kind of pendant, around armpit-length (not sure what that would be in inches) so it’s well past the neckline but doesn’t distract from the skirt detail.

      Would you be wearing the wrap the whole time?

      1. It’s an outdoor wedding in late August, so I might not need a wrap at all, but it might get cool in the evening and I tend to run cold.

    4. Muji has some really simple, pretty summer weight scarves/wraps right now. I have three of the cotton silk ones, in different colors.
      For jewelry, I’d probably do statement earrings in a complementary color?

    5. Really pretty dress.

      Have you considered skipping a necklace altogether? I would opt for amazing earrings and some sparkly bracelets.

      1. Agreed. I wear a lot of necklines like this and have had the best results with longer earrings, bracelets, and lots of rings. Also…really like the dress! Wish I had another wedding this summer so I’d have an excuse to think about buying it :)

        If you’re dead set on a necklace, it would have to be a longer pendant. But really, I don’t think you need one.

      2. I have a lot of hair and I usually wear my hair down, so statement earrings tend to get lost. But maybe I should change it up and go for fun earrings and an updo in this case!

      3. Agreed. Gold earrings and gold bracelets – will look amazing with this beautiful bright blue.

        1. +1

          Agree with the others.

          No necklace.

          Hair up or down. Great shoes.

          The color is the star. I would do too much flash with the jewelry either.

      4. +1 – I wore a dress with a similar neckline to a wedding recently. I wore long sparkly earrings and had my hair in waves/curls with a deep side part so at least one earring could be seen. And also a really blingy ring which I love during cocktail hour because it just sparkles while you’re holding a wine glass.

    6. So pretty! You should bring a leather jacket for when it gets cold. Never not LJ.

    7. +1 to all suggestions. I’d even add wearing a chunky necklace between chest and chin. But some people think chunky necklaces are out so YMMV.

  2. Did anyone buy anything from the coach sale? It’s 50% off plus if you use ebates 15% cash back. I can’t make a decision

    1. Tell me more about the ebates please?
      All I want from Coach is stuff from their limited edition NASA collection, and the t-rex with a jetpack. If I found that on sale I’d buy it in a heartbeat…

      1. Just go to their website and sign up, and install the icon link on your browser. Then, anytime you visit a website to purchase something, ebates tells you how much additional discount you get by simply clicking on the ebates button prior to starting your browsing/purchasing at that website. Sometimes it’s just 1-3%. Sometimes it is crazy good like 10%+. It all adds up, so why give up on this free money? Rather than getting this discount when you purchase at that site, ebates sends you cash. I get a check at regular intervals. I think there is a way of having them send you an amazon gift card instead, but I haven’t looked into it.

        The ebates icon will also help search online for coupon codes and tell you those when you are ready to purchase.

    2. I hadn’t heard about it and haven’t bought anything from Coach for years but that sounds like a great deal. Please post if you see anything good!

    4. I’ve been a lot more interested in Coach since they got a new designer and went edgier. I wore my tea rose moto boots all winter and bought the tea rose sneakers in the pewter. I only buy when everything goes on sale 1/2 price. Too high otherwise!

  3. Does anyone know anything about collagen supplements? I was at Costco yesterday and an older Asian couple was in front of me and they had 5 bottles of 300+ collagen supplements. I wondered about that and noticed their skin looked great! When I got home I looked online and Costco has a sale on those pills, which was why they had 5 bottles (was the limit to get the discount) so I started reading about it online. Just wondering if anyone has an experience taking collagen for anti-aging? TIA

    1. I take collagen more for digestion than for skin, but I’m happy with it. I like its fairly mild taste, so I buy it as a powder rather than in pill form and use it in cooking. (I’m happy to eat high-collagen foods too, but they’re not always easy to find at a typical grocery store.)

    2. No, eating collagen will not help your skin.

      Their skin looked amazing because they have amazingly good Asian genetics, and culturally many Asian women tended to smartly avoid the sun. This is a huge generalization, but absolutely true.

    3. I was tempted about a year ago and did some research. From reputable news sources who interviewed scientists and dermatologist, the general consensus is that digesting collagen will not directly do anything for the skin, as it will be broken down into its base proteins. Theoretically it can make the proteins broken down from collagen more available for your body’s natural production of collagen which can have some benefit to skin, bones, and digestion. But there is no solid evidence that it actually improves the skin.

      On another note, applying it topically also does nothing because the collagen molecule is too big to pass through the skin.

    4. I’ve taken it for arthritis reasons, but it’s not really going to do much for your skin.

    5. I put collagen in my coffee, have not noticed any skin/hair improvements but it’s mostly tasteless and a nice way to up the protein in my diet first thing in the morning. I am pretty sure the hair/skin/nails improvements from collagen are bunk — they are probably overall tied to an increase in protein in the diet.

    6. I have started a Korean skin care routine and it has made big difference. I have had several people comment on it so that might be why their skin looked so good.

    7. It’s awesome for joints but there have been concerns about where the animal bones are sourced and what chemicals they may contain. I think a lot of toxins are stored in the collagen. But so much of what we eat is like that now…

  4. PSA to NYC and DC ladies:

    I went to the MM LaFleur Rogues, Renegades, and Misfits Sale and really enjoyed it! They had a lot of items from their full size range (i.e. 0-3+), well organized by sizes. It was staffed by showroom personnel who were really helpful. It was busy but not totally insane, though I recommend going at an off hour if you can. Everything is 60% off but slightly damaged-for the most part we are talking about tiny fabric snags that I would cause the first day of wearing anyways. I picked up a Taylor Dress, a Lydia Dress, and a Jardigan for $260 total.

    1. Chicagoan here, I am so jealous! I have 2 lydias and I love them, have to wear Spanx though

      1. i love the lydia too! i actually size up so that i dont have to wear shapewear underneath. same with the rachel and emily.

    2. Did you go in NYC? The DC was organized by style yesterday AM and it was kind of a train wreck. I still want to go back though…

  5. What is the best alternative to using dryer sheets? One of those balls? Any recommendations?

    1. I just don’t use dryer sheets (and hang things that tend to get staticky).

      1. Yeah, never understood the point of dryer sheets TBH. My fiance was on team dryer sheets until we moved in together and I yelled at him about chemicals/sustainability/etc, and now he no longer uses dryer sheets and notices no difference.

        1. Yup, add me to the group of millennials killing off dryer sheets and fabric softener. With newer detergents they really aren’t needed, and fabric softeners gunk up materials you want to be absorbent, like towels.

          2. Literally the only dryer sheets I’ve ever bought were the ones from a laundromat vending machine that I thought were detergent. :( Total waste of six precious quarters.

    2. I found the balls to be noisy and really annoying.

      For something all-cotton like towels, OK to just not use.

    3. I use the balls and have found I occasionally still have some static issues, but once I shake them out and hang them out, it’s fine. I have a mix of homemade yarn ones and a plastic one (all stolen from when they accidentally came home from my parent’s house a few years ago – haha).

    4. I think their main purpose is to scent your clothes, honestly. I find I have less static without dryer sheets than I do with.

    5. Don’t use them. They do nothing other than add an artificial scent to your clothes. I used them one time in college when someone left a box out on the dryer and there was literally no difference other than the unpleasant smell.

      1. I use felted wool dryer balls that I got at the farmer’s market but I’ve also seen them in a local health food grocery type of place, etc and I imagine all over Etsy. I use a few drops of essential oil applied to one of the balls for scent. Works well!

    6. Because my town had terribly hard water (recently improved, though), I started throwing a cup or two of white vinegar in every wash cycle – I put some in with the soap and fill the fabric softener container also, so it goes in during the rinse. I never use fabric softener, liquid or sheets, and even heavy things like towels and jeans come out great.

      1. Plus one to white vinegar. I put it in the fabric softener dispenser and add a couple of drops of essential oil, and have noticed a significant lessening of static. This is in addition to the felted wool dryer balls that are always in my dryer.

      2. Interesting. I have a top loading washer; so you put the vinegar into the fabric softener container? Do your clothes come out smelling like vinegar?

        1. That’s what I do. There’s a slight scent when it comes out of the washer, but once it goes through the dryer, it’s fine. I do this especially when camping to get the smoky smell out as well.

    7. I use wool felted balls in my dryer – I make them myself with various knitting project scraps. I do not use them for scent or softening as much as collecting lint as they tumble. Yes, they are noisy but placed in a dryer full of new towels they will collect a good amount of lint and put less stress on my lint trap.

      I have not noticed a decrease in static – but I hang mid cycle most of my clothes.

    8. I use 3 to 4 dense wool balls (from A M A Z O N) that work just as well at knocking out wrinkles and softening clothes. It also helps with static cling. But also don’t see a purpose for the dryer sheets, although my husband still likes to use them “for the smell”. I just haven’t made it around to putting together a naturally scented pouch to put in the dryer as a replacement (yay for Pinterest for the inspiration)!

      1. I also use some wool dryer balls from Amazon. DH is allergic to dryer sheets. Honestly, when I realized this I got so creeped out about what might be in the dryer sheets that I don’t regret the switch at all. They also last forever, so I feel like it is cheaper in the long run.

    9. I use the felt/wool dryer balls. You can scent them with essential oil, but I’ve never bothered. I occasionally use the lavender sachets (from Trader Joe’s I think) if I want scent. I also use vinegar when I wash clothes.

      1. yep, this is what I do – wool balls with a couple of drops of lavender essential oil on them.

  6. Just wanted to share that I finally paid off my law school student loans today!!! I can hardly believe it – I’m DONE!

      1. So exciting! My total student loans are at about $16K and it is finally seeming like there is an end in sight. Congratulations to you and can’t wait to be where you are!!

      2. This is OP – thank you all!! I think I want to treat myself to a “nice” piece of classic jewelry or watch… I don’t really have any classic pieces and I really want to mark this with something special! After that splurge I plan on living sensibly and diverting my extra money towards my savings and retirement accounts ;)

    2. YAY! Congrats, thats such a huge feat. Mine are at about 8k and I should be done in 3 months, I can’t wait!

    13. wow that’s awesome. Most people I know owe 150-200k so it seems it will never be over.

  7. I use wool felt dryer balls. They remove lint and help with static. I suspect that they are gentler on the clothes than the spiky rubber ones.

    1. Yes, I like the soft wool dryer balls. They’re quieter than the rubber ones. I do believe that they help comforters dry faster, but for things like towels and clothing, they mostly just function like dryer sheets.

    2. How loud are they? I usually dry things like towels at night or over night or first thing in the morning and the plastic spiky balls you could hear all over the house.

      1. They are quieter than the spiky ones, but still make a fair amount of noise because they are heavy. We can hear them in rooms adjacent to the laundry room, but not everywhere in the house.

      2. I don’t hear they wool dryer balls any more than I hear the laundry itself. They are soft, like a balled up sock, so there is nothing to make noise (unlike those horrid spiky balls).

        FWIW, I use the wool balls (7, since that is how many I have) in every load every time, as they decrease the drying time. I do not notice them making a difference in the amount of static. Static does not seem to be a problem in the summer months so I do not use dryer sheets then. I do use dryer sheets in the winter, and also will tumble synthetics and natural fibers separately when the air gets really dry as that cuts back on the static tremendously. I do not ever use liquid fabric softener.

      1. Best place would be a farmer’s market or Etsy. You want 100% wool – undyed if possible.

        1. Those are so adorable that I just bookmarked them to give to the “relatives that have everything” at Xmas.

      6. Oh my gosh. I’m the anon at 10:06 and I just spent half an hour down an Etsy rabbit hole haha. I ended up ordering a set of six – five sheep and a sheepdog! <3 <3 Can't wait to get these!

          1. I’m embarrassed by how much they cost, but I am crazy about sheep and my husband’s old dog was a sheepdog, so I just had to. I ordered one set of the set with the dog and another set of the just the 3 Shetlands. (Remove the space below.)

            https://www.etsy. com/listing/525845462/wool-dryer-balls-sheep-dog-mix-2-x?ref=listing-shop-header-0

  8. I’ve seen a couple of requests for tv show recs lately and just had to mention The Bold Type. I started watching last year purely looking for mindless fun tv and I have to say, I’ve been impressed – especially with the new season. It’s certainly fun (female friends working at a Cosmo type mag in NY) but it covers some pretty important topics – racial and sexual identity, professional development and disappointment, etc. Plus I find the the “boss” character (who is Jan from The Office!) to be very refreshing – clearly a badass professional woman, but she’s tough AND supportive of newer staff and clearly a role model. Even my husband is into it! Highly recommend.

    2. Yes! I’ve been loving this show too! Bonus – if you have Spotify, someone has made a playlist of the songs they use in the show and it’s bada$$ for motivational office music.

    3. I freaking LOVE this show! I sorta got into it when it first came out, then forgot about it, but then got back into it this year and now I can’t get enough.

      My only critique is that sometimes they show text messages on the screen, but if you have it on in the background while trying to get ready for bed or something you might miss it, or might not be able to read it if you’re watching it on a small bedroom TV like I usually am.

    4. Agreed. It’s really refreshing seeing women support each other regarding personal issues and at work, from the core group of young professionals to the boss lady giving them support, but holding them to a high standard. I have enjoyed this show a lot, although I had very low expectations going in.

    5. I like it too, more than I thought I would. I like the interactions with the boss.

      Another show with a good boss is “Ghosted” (Hulu). Last night it basically spoke directly to me because I’ve been feeling insecure abt work and the boss said “I’m in this chair BECAUSE of the mistakes I made and learned from.” (paraphrase).

      anyway it was meaningful to me more than I expected a stupid show with Adam West/Craig Robinson to be haha

  9. Is there an eco-friendly subscription box? I like getting skincare/makeup subscription boxes and I recycle everything in them but it just seems so wasteful. And tbh… getting a box once a month is a really nice pick me up. Is there a way I can satisfy my unnecessary consumerism without harming the planet?

    1. It’s not a makeup/skincare thing, but I love my flower CSA. I get a bouquet every week!

      I also just signed up for Causebox – not low-waste, but it’s all stuff by vetted companies re: good labor practices and eco-friendly manufacturing. Mostly home goods and some skincare/body products.

      1. A CSA would be about the only eco-friendly alternative I can think of. Our local farmer’s market has a weekly produce CSA, and it is always fun to see what you get!

    2. Not exactly what you’re asking for, but I like GlobeIn. Ethically sourced items from around the world. Each item has a “story” which is fun and adds to the monthly “pick me up” feeling you describe.

    3. Subscription boxes are the antithesis of eco-friendly: shipping products that you may or may not need or end up using in small, inefficient sizes.

      1. And I’ll add that no, there isn’t a way to satisfy consumerism urges and not have an environmental impact. I get it, I’m a reformed constant shopper. I’ve found the best, most satisfying thing is learning to live with less stuff.

        1. I will make one exception on “consuming”, consider thrifting. The thrill of the hunt is fun and its so satisfying to find something. In a given year I probably only buy 2 new pieces of clothing, but I usually have 10 or 15 thrift finds.

          1. Along those lines, Thred Up now goes “Goody Boxes” where they pick styles and send them to you, and you only are charged for what you keep. I’ve done two. I’ve only kept one thing, but it was kinda fun.

        2. Yep. Don’t fool yourself and think that any subscription box is going to be truly eco-friendly. There are certainly grades of waste associated with the boxes, but none of them are truly eco-friendly. Accept that and then decide whether your need for stuff is more important than the environment.

    4. maybe Causebox? Or there are some on Cratejoy that send crafts made by ethically paid women in developing countries. doesn’t solve the environomental factor completely, but addresses some other ethical issues.

    6. Petit Vour is a vegan/sustainable beauty box! My sister got it for me a while back for a few months and everything is packed in recycled paper strips (instead of packing peanuts or anything.)

  10. If donating to NPR meant I didn’t have to listen to their donation/memebrship drives, I would do it in a heartbeat

    2. I listen to all of my radio through my Echo/Dot. “Alexa play WBEZ radio”. So when my local NPR station has the fund drives, I start playing other NPR stations from other cities I like. I’m in Chicago, so I most often switch to NYC (WNYC) or Boston (WBUR) since I lived there before and don’t even mind hearing some of the local news.

      You can also listen through the NPR App on your phone/computer and skip what you don’t want to hear.

      I love listening to radio via my Dot.

      1. This is good to know! I listen to my Echo Dot while I’m getting ready in the morning/evening and then on my computer while I’m at work

        1. You can also go directly on your computer to the webpage for any NPR local station, and they have an interface to play it via your computer too. Sorry if this is redundant. I’m an old GenerationXer and still learning…

    3. I donate and my local station sends me a code to use to listen to ad free streaming. It is one of the benefits.

    4. The president of our local station sings horrible song parodies he’s written on the air during pledge drives. I am a sustaining member, but once I called in an additional pledge just so my name and message would be read on the air:

      “Jane from Anytown called and pledged to stop President from singing.”

    5. my local NPR station uses this motivation as an incentive to get people to donate before the drive.

      Our average drives last 1-2 days.

    6. In Chicago, WBEZ will usually send out a link to donors to get a pledge-free stream. It doesn’t work on apps, but gets the job done for those few (seemingly interminable) days when they are begging. I’m surprised that this isn’t a common thing.

    7. Please donate if you can afford it, whether or not you have to listen to pledge drives (I’m sure they don’t love doing them, either!). It’s more important than ever to support good journalism.

      1. This is exactly why I started donating. Even when I do come across pledge drives now, they are less annoying because I’m doing my bit.

      2. +1

        I’m a monthly subscriber/member, and just lazy about going to the computer accessible pledge free stream. So I like that I can just tell my ECHO what I want to listen to.

    8. No kidding. I do donate (mostly for the Passport video access – all of the current and previous GBBO seasons!) and I just station hop when they start pledge drives. I can pick up more than one, and they’re usually not all doing a pledge drive at the same time.

    9. I donate (which you should be doing anyway!!) and then listen to individual stories from the NPR app.

  11. Decorators on board, talk to me about using a bold paint color for a main living area. Will this be a huge mistake? I like the neutral look that’s popular right now, but I’m feeling like I need to do something really different for our basement family room. (It’s a walkout, so it gets a lot more light than a typical basement.) Right now, it’s a medium taupe color that technically goes with everything, but the whole room feels brown and dull, even though it’s objectively a nice paint color. I have a bold, darker paint color picked out — Riverway by Sherwin Williams. I have it on an accent wall upstairs and have not gotten sick of the color after seven years, which is really saying something for me. :) I’ve found that it coordinates well with a surprising number of colors.

    Has anyone done a bold color in a big room and loved it? Regretted it? For a painting project, this will be a pretty big undertaking, which is giving me decision paralysis. I suppose I could do an accent wall and see how I like it, but are accent walls completely passe?

    1. That’s a gorgeous color! Go for it! Obv what’s there now isn’t doing it for you, so there’s no reason not to go with a color you do love.

    2. I have almost this same color in my living room, just a shade lighter and a different brand, and I LOVE it. Instead of painting the whole room that color, I have it on a wrap-around wall so it’s on the TV wall and then goes up the stairs, where it meets the gray hallway. The rest of the living room I painted a very light, similar color (Urban Raincoat by Behr, which shows up blue in pictures but is really a mint/blue color in my experience). I get a lot of compliments.

      I’d suggest doing paint swatches first, of course, and then you can always start with just the accent wall (which might be a bit passe but clearly I don’t let that hold me back), decide whether you like it, and then paint the entire room.

    3. We have two living spaces – our main living room, and our basement “hangout”. Our main living room is a medium taupe which is fine because I change out the rug and pillows when I get bored of the color. Our basement is a gray-green color, Meteorological by Behr, and I love it. It works because one wall was wood paneling, which we painted a fresh white, and we painted all the trim fresh white, so it’s not a dungeon of dark. If you get enough natural light down there, I bet a dark color would work even without a white wall. But if you have to prime first, you could leave one of the walls white, paint the other three your dark color, and see how that feels before you take the full plunge.

      With darker walls, you do need lighter furniture and accessories. So think about who uses the room and if a lighter couch will be instantly ruined (dog hair, small kids, messy wine nights, etc).

    4. GORGEOUS colour! Go for it. Just keep the rest of the room relatively neutral so you aren’t competing with the paint.

    5. Oh I think that’s beautiful and honestly I think it’ll read as mostly neutral. I don’t think people will walk in and feel like they were slapped in the face with green. I

    6. My living room is a dark, almost black grey with white trim and I love it. It’s my favorite room in the house. I also used oval room blue by Farrow and Ball and a dark, mossy green I can’t remember the name of in our bedrooms. I love a rich, different wall color. It makes the rooms (they were all neutral before).

    7. I despise taupe wall paint, so I am a strong proponent of this change! I don’t think it looks too bold! I say go for it, just make sure you have a good amount of indirect lighting to overall bring light into the room.

    8. I have a very similar color in my living room and kitchen, which are one open space. I love it! We have big windows, a lot of white trim, neutral furniture, and bright accents, so the whole space still feels bright.

    9. I don’t really think it’s that bold of a color. I think bolder colors are starting to come back, at least from some of the more recent stuff I’ve seen on Apartment Therapy. Accent walls can be passe but it all depends… and it’s your house, so who cares.

      1. I’m getting excited. I may start this weekend by painting the bar area, since it’s sort of a standalone spot within the larger space. If I love it, I’ll go all in.

    10. I’d do one wall and see how you like it. then you can …

      1. Leave it as one wall and who cares if they are passe or not. It’s YOUR basement.
      2. Go ahead and paint the whole thing.
      3. Decide you don’t like it and only have to repaint one wall.

  12. Y’all love Asheville so much, maybe you can help me out:

    I may drive there on a lark with 2 elementary school-aged kids with me. I’ve been to the Biltmore before and stayed at the Grove Park Inn, but don’t know my way around or any restaurants. I imagine this late I will just be getting a basic hotel somewhere that still has rooms left.

    Where to stay that is walkable to things I’d want to walk to (casual restaurants, maybe a park or something kid-tastic?)? GPI was lovely, but you are sort of stuck there when you’re there (plus it was a dreary drizzly early spring weekend; highly recommend the risotto if you want to gain five pounds).

    1. Even if you have to stay outside of downtown Asheville, there is public parking available in lots/garages downtown. We’ve not had problems on day trips. Check out Mast General Store and walk around downtown. There are a couple of bookstores, Pack Square Park, a toy store, and several places to get ice cream. Lots of places to eat- see what looks good. I think there is a pinball museum and several of the brewpubs are kid friendly on the restaurant side (like Wicked Weed)

    2. Check out the website MountainX for local activities, calendar, kid friendly things. Agree w/above who said you can just drive downtown, easily get a parking garage spot and walk around downtown. Any of the chain hotels on Tunnel Road are close but not walkable. There are now many chain hotels downtown – Aloft, AC Hotel, Hotel Indigo. Also check out rental sites which have a lot of downtown 2 bedroom condos (air BB etc) that are above some of the shops. There is a Country Inn and Suites just west of downtown which isn’t walkable to down there but is in a shopping center with a CVS and an Earth Fare and Green Sage which is delicious cafe. You will find plenty to do!

    3. Just chiming in to say there’s a Chilhuly exhibition at the Biltmore right now so if that’s at all of interest to you and/or the kids, you should check it out.

  13. Tips on how to care less in a dysfunctional work environment?

    We underwent a reorg about two years ago and since then things have been so dysfunctional it is hard to think straight anymore. (It wasn’t perfect before, it wasn’t this bad either.) Things are so upside-down, at times it feels like my team is being actively undermined at various levels in the organization. My boss sees it on some level, but she either doesn’t have the authority to do anything about it, or doesn’t want to do anything about. I think it’s a bit of both. Obviously I have decided to stay for the time being, but I feel like I need to disengage a little bit. It is exhausting to feel like I am in a near-constant state of outrage over the latest example of B.S. that is occurring. How do I begin to just …. care less about all this nonsense?

    1. You begin to differentiate yourself from your job. You are not your job; these people are not your family or your life. YOur job is a place you go for stated hours each day. Then you leave and go on with your actual life. Work is something you do to earn the money that you need to live.

      This situation is not worth wrecking your emotional life over. You have a life, but the situation at this particular workplace doesn’t set the tone for who you are.

      Oh…and you accept that you are not in charge and that you cannot fix this. It’s not in your court to do anything about this. (Signed, someone in a very messy work situation, where the ability to deal with it is two levels above me, and I have no say in the matter.)

      1. Thank you. This is helpful to think about. I like what you said about how my job is a place I go for stated hours each day. One issue, however, is that we are expected to take call and I routinely get call after hours. For example, last weekend I got a call Friday at 9pm, Saturday at 2:30 in the morning, and Sunday afternoon. So it’s tough to feel like I’ve left because I sort of haven’t.

        (The call issue is one of the massively problematic things that I would love to address, but others either seem to not see it as a problem or feel like there’s nothing that can be done about it. My proposed solutions have been shot down.)

        1. The reality is this: You can either stay stuck in the near-constant outrage you are feeling, or change, either by changing you (learning new emotional skills so you can feel some peace in this job reality) or by changing jobs.

          You can’t have what you want, which is to have your workplace change to function the way you want it to. So YOU have to change, or you have to change jobs.

    2. My advice is to just focus as much as possible on the things you can control. If you have people reporting to you, is there extra support you can provide them? Spend more time reviewing your own work? Write up some white papers, reference guides, or SOPs for future use?

      My organization is not dysfunctional exactly, but very political, and whenever I get frustrated with the political nonsense, it always helps to refocus on my work.

      Also, this is a good opportunity to work on emotional control. Don’t let your frustration control you. Choose to not be outraged. When you start to feel upset, remind yourself, “My near-constant state of outrage is exhausting. I am choosing not to let this bother me.”

  14. I am in urgent need of a baked mac-n-cheese recipe that includes some veggies (sweet potato / pumpkin / pepper / squash / cauliflower / etc.). I looked on g00gle, but none of the recipes seemed appealing, and very few involved baking of the full tray so you get the nice crunchy cheese on top. Help!

    1. I add a cup or two of squash/pumpkin/sweet potato puree into the sauce my regular recipe just before adding the cheese. It’s amazing.

    2. The basic Betty crocker cheese sauce (it’s sometimes titled as white sauce, with a cheese variation), mix in pasta and whatever slightly undercooked (broccoli) or frozen (peas) veggies you like. Baked till the top is crispy enough!

      1. Peas are great in baked mac and cheese! Also jalapenos, if you like spicy things. Oh, maybe some pinto or red beans too.

    3. I really like Nigella’s recipe with sweet potato puree or a recipe from Pop Sugar which is made with sweet potato and greek yogurt. I was skeptical about the greek yogurt, but I loved the subtle tang that it added. (links to follow)

    5. This recipe is as close to the “healthier mac and cheese” recipe that we like at my house as I can find on-line:

      http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/roasted-vegetable-macaroni-cheese

      I would add some Monterey Jack to the sauce for more “cheesiness” (maybe 1/2 a cup), use 2% milk instead of 1%, and throw 2 tablespoons of butter into the roux to help with binding, but that’s just me.

      Note: you really must freshly grate the cheese from a block or the sauce does not work. Pre-grated cheese has cellulose in with it to prevent clumping and it impairs the sauce. Ask me how I know . . .

  15. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I LOVE fruegel Friday’s and this Vera Wang cut blazer! The price is VERY reasonable, but that is b/c it is Fruegel Friday!

    Myrna and I are heading out to the Hamton’s at NOON, so if I post afterward, it will be from my iPhone, unless Margie lets me post on her iMac. The manageing partner’s brother is there and Myrna does not like him b/c he loves to oooooogle her. I have gotten used to him b/c he is always interested in s-xueal things and I am so over hearing about him having s-x with all of these women, literaly in his apartement. FOOEY! I don’t get what these women see in him but they are very loud about it, so he thinks (and says) it is b/c of his prowess in bed! Can you imagine him huffeing and puffeing on top of you, I asked Myrna, and she said NFW!!!!!!

    Anyway, all the best to the HIVE and I will check in later! YAY!!!!!

  16. I’m cooking dinner for a large crowd (~25, including young kids, meat eaters, and a vegan) next week. I’ll have access to a grill but don’t want to do a bbq as we’ll be doing that on the fourth. I will have the capacity to make several dishes and will have help in cooking, but any suggestions of dishes that can be done on a large scale and accommodate a variety of palettes? What are your favorite large-scale crowdpleasers?

    1. Taco bar! Big bowls with seasoned ground beef, seasoned shredded chicken, beans, guac, chopped veggies, salsa, etc. You can do all the prep ahead of time and people can assemble their own as they like.

      1. +1! To make it special, you can have a “signature taco” option. You just make a sign – “Shrimp Tacos: shrimp, avocado crema, shredded lettuce, queso fresco, with a squeeze of lime on top, or Make Your Own Taco!” to tell them how to make the featured one.

      2. Bonus – you can do the chicken in a crockpot. Skinnytaste has a few recipes. I’d include sauteed veggies as a topping for those wanting vegan. Guacamole is typically vegan – avocado crema not so much.

    2. Make vegan chilli that is not spicy so kids will eat it, have ground beef, shredded cheese, hot sauce etc. that can be added depending on palate/diet.

      1. Yes, I was going to suggest chili as well.

        I’ve done one big pot of vegan chili and one big pot of beef chili, and then cheese, etc on the side for both. It’s always a big hit.

    3. Another crowd-favorite is make-your-own grilled pizza bar. You can pre-make the individual-sized pizza doughs and cook the first side on the grill a couple hours ahead of time. Then people grab one, add whatever toppings they want to the pre-cooked side, and finish it on the grill for 3-4 minutes.

      1. I love this idea, but I wouldn’t do it for a crowd of more than 10 or so unless you have a lot of grill space.

    4. Taco/burrito bar. Pick 2 meats, plus a heavy bean and fajita veggies. You can do salsa chicken in the crock pot or insta-pot with a large jar of salsa and a packet of taco seasoning per ~2lbs or so of chicken, then shred it. Ground beef is a hit with kids, or you can go fancier and do carne asada or flank steak. Include flour and corn tortillas, a big vat of rice, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cilantro, limes, and whatever other fixings you like.

      Set up a salsa bar with a variety of salsa options, guac and corn chips. No one ever hated a crock pot of queso, either. You can leaving this out before and after the main mean for grazers, as well as a crudite platter with a dipping sauce and maybe simple caprese or fruit skewers.

      For sides, offer a hearty marinated salad like this one https://whatsgabycooking.com/mexican-corn-and-quinoa-salad/.

    7. Lasagna two ways (vegan and not), with large Italian salad (with cheese) and kale salad (without cheese, but add roasted veg or fruit for bulk), rolls, crudites.

  17. One of the men I work with showed his true colors to me earlier this week (full on demeaning my efforts and work). I have always enjoyed his friendship. I spent a day to grieve our friendship (we’re colleagues so we’ll still talk or whatever, but it won’t be the same) and am now focusing on killing it at work. I have been, in general, killing it and he was discounting my progress as “luck” (WTF DUDE)–when I questioned him on it he doubled down on me just being lucky. So now I want to squash the little insecure jerk. And will.

    2. Please do. I worked for this guy at my previous firm. He was so supportive of me individually (I’m a WOC) but said a judge who was appointed who was also a WOC was only appointed to fill a quota (which is not at all true, she was a bada33).

    3. I have had this too. He was a friend until I was clearly the front runner for partner. Said man repeatedly came to my office and explained to me how he was better than me and I was just getting ahead because of luck and that I was an affirmative action case. Right…. being a woman (with kids) in BigLaw (where less than 30% of income partners are women) has been so helpful for me. Please do crush him.

  18. A happy political thought to take into the weekend: Trump lost the popular vote and it wasn’t close. Setting aside the electoral college for a moment, it gives me hope that there are more people who didn’t want Trump than ones who did.

    1. I guess. A lot of people didn’t vote, and I’m pretty sure a lot of the Trump supporters I know aren’t voters.

    2. I also read an article lately (on a moderate right news source) that most young Republicans don’t like him and his horrible backwards attitudes at all, it’s the boomers that are so obsessed with him. That also gave me hope.

      1. Maybe enough if his supporter base will die off before the next election, or maybe trump himself will keel over given his diet…

        1. I’m 38 and plenty of guys (most?) I went to HS with LOVE him because he’s “one of us/looks out for us” and “tells it like it is.” Their wives make noises about his record with women but I think they’re quiet Trump voters too. BTW I went to HS in NJ – 45 min south of Philadelphia. It ultimately doesn’t matter in such a blue state but if he has this kind of suppprt in the 40 year old NJ crowd, imagine how it is in Nebraska or Mich or Ohio.

      3. I hope this is true. The alt-right scene on college campuses is alarming to me, but numbers matter.

    3. Hold onto whatever you need to but in our system, absolute number of people doesn’t matter — electoral college does.

      1. Yeah honestly the OP makes me feel worse. And I fear we have more gerrymandering and voter suppression in our future, so the minority of red voters will have even more disproportionate power.

        1. OP here. I have all the same fears, but I find it comforting nonetheless that more people don’t WANT that to happen. There’s a difference in my mind between a full majority supporting these horrible policies and a majority opposing them.

          1. I think I get where all three of you are coming from. Which side I’m on depends on the day.

    4. This helps me feel better (I’m the poster who often reminds folks that my ny suburb is trump country):
      most of the trump voters I spoke with in 2016 told me over and over that he wouldnt really do a lot of the things he was promising and that he was a nyer and a social liberal underneath it all.

      Can’t say if they’ll eat crow and vote blue but I think that argument has died a pretty swift death.

      1. They believe what they are told.

        I said before the 2016 election Trump would win (not what I wanted but the writing was on the wall if you chose to read it).

        He’ll win re-election in 2020.

        There won’t be a blue wave.

        We’re screwed.

  19. Help me maximize a small amount of time in Boston from Saturday morning to mid-Sunday afternoon next weekend. What should I do and see? Where should I eat (allergic to shellfish so no lobster rolls but otherwise open to anything)? I have not been before and plan to return but would love direction towards a few of the best local highlights beyond the Freedom Trail, which I do plan to spend time wandering.

    1. If you like art museums, the Isabella Stewart Gardner is really unique and lovely, and small enough to see the whole thing in a brief visit. The Museum of Fine Arts is right next door too – much bigger – but if art’s your thing, you can do both. I also love walking around Copley Square and Newbury/Boylston street. Great shops and architecture.

      1. +1 – to the MFA and the Isabella Gardner museum. Cambridge is also really awesome and fun to walk around, it had some of the best food in Boston I’ve had recently. Thelonius Monkfish, Mariposa Bakery, and Little Donkey were all great in Cambridge – OH and Toscanini’s for ice cream!
        The Harvard Natural history museum was wonderful. And I always love walking around back bay and the gardens on a nice day.

        1. +1

          I lived in Boston/Cambridge for years, and a Sunday favorite would be going to the Gardner and having brunch there, and then take the train back to Cambridge and wander around Harvard square.

          The city proper is so small that you could also walk across most of it easily, if that is your thing.

    2. I like wandering around Harvard Yard in Cambridge and then getting lunch at Cambridge Common afterward.

    3. DO A DUCK BOAT. (Aquarium Stop Route is my rec)

      I like starting with the duck boats because you get the big picture overview of the history and the spots to hit.

      Then you can tailor your walking/touring to your interests from what you heard on the boat. the tour guides are so engaging and it’s just a really fun tourista activity to do. I live here and I love doing duck boats with visitors.

    4. The North End is a nice place to walk around, and it’s by the water which is great in the summer, plus there’s plenty of places to eat if you like pasta and pizza!

    6. Wow this sounds like fun. When Rosa was in junior college, we visited her and we ate and ate and ate in the Italian North End. Lots of Pasta Primavera, and Veal too. Back then I did not have a tuchus, so I could eat. Now, even sniffing at Alfredo sauce will put a pound on each cheek, Dad says. FOOEY!

    7. I am probably in the minority here, but I like the area by China Town and towards Boston Common/Theatre District and Faneuil Hall for eating/shopping/wandering around. I also like the Museum of Fine Arts.

      I am not fond of the city, so if I had that time I would do a quick drive to Cape Cod or Newport. I was in Boston for work last week and made the after work drive to Newport for a quick visit – to me it’s worth the drive, but it’s not for everyone.

    8. Start in the North End with some Italian food. My favorite cannolis are from Maria’s! Follow the freedom trail, but detour to go to the Boston Public Market (apple cider donuts! cute fun local artisanal things!). Pass through Quincy Market and Faneuil Hall, and keep following the freedom trail through the Common. Walk through the Common and the Public Garden (don’t miss the statue of the ducklings), and then walk down Newbury street and window shop (or, actually shop…), poke into the galleries, whatever. Newbury Street ends right at the Convention Center T stop. Oh and the Boston Public Library has a tea room, you can get a traditional high tea with the little sandwiches and everything.

      I also really like Toscaninis ice cream in Cambridge, and I love strolling (or you could easily rent a bikeshare bike and ride farther) along the Esplanade.

  20. I recently bought a new dress but I’m not sure what to wear with it. The dress is linen, chambray color, has a neckline that is like a halter top but not the deep v-neck style halter top, the neckline fully covers the chest but leaves the shoulders exposed, and the rest of the dress just drapes down like a sack (but a pretty sack). What would you wear on top of this when you go inside into a/c? I’d normally default to a denim jacket but that doesn’t seem right. A cardigan also doesn’t really seem right? The neckline, loose silhouette, and color are stumping me. I’d love to hear what you’d do with a dress like this!

    1. I’d go with a cardigan, but perhaps a cropped one to create some definition at the waist.

    3. A white linen blazer? Or is it more of a sundress that just needs to stand on its own? I have a few dresses that really can’t be made to look right to work in a work environment, even if they’re perfectly modest.

    4. LJ LJ LJ! Something slightly cropped so that it will give you some shape instead of adding bulk on top to an already sack-like bottom.

      1. No. I am team LJ all the way but leather and linen together (unless it’s an extremely summery form like a perforated leather jacket in a pastel or white) is just weird.

        1. I was imagining my little pink LJ (and also my dream white LJ that I don’t own yet) so yeah, not the black motorcycle one.

    5. Is it from JCrew? I was eyeing that light blue halter linen dress but decided against it for just this reason — too fussy, laundry/care-wise, for casual, but too bare on top + loose on bottom to be easily styled for work.

  21. So I went to the non 30 year old therapist…the one that could only see me about once every two weeks or once a month. At the third visit…about halfway through…she said that she didn’t know how to help me or what goals to set. That she “didn’t know what to do with me”. That I needed to see someone more frequently or try meds (as meds are good when no one is available for talk therapy). I said I just lost 20 lbs and have been sorting out a health issue and didn’t want to throw meds in the mix by she was just looking at me with pity. I don’t think I can go to anyone without them forcing me on meds, which I don’t care for. It will be a b to find a med that works, get used to the med, find a corresponding med to help med #1 work, and then eventually try to get off the med when I can’t take it anymore…which may be impossible. I am very anti-med and the thing I’m most proud of in life is getting off 2-3 meds for a chronic health issue I’ve had for years. I just feel quite hopeless now and that I don’t even want to do therapy. When a sixty-some year old woman tells you that you have too many issues for her to sort out, that’s a problem. A thirty year old will definitely not know what to do. I guess I’m just going to keep on keeping on…Oh yeah, and she told me that my mother was Borderline, Narcissistic, Bi-Polar and a bottomless pit and that I should never speak to her again if possible…after only talking about her for 5-10 minutes on that third visit or so. I just think therapists are sheltered idiots. I’ve seen like 4-5 now in the past 20 years and they were all dingbats. There is my vent for today. Just really frustrated…I basically just went to therapy because everyone tells me how helpful it is and how they help you sort out your issues. Meanwhile, I feel like I should have edited my life prior to the visit to guide the therapist in what to say. That seems like it isn’t my job…

    1. I still don’t understand your reluctance to a younger therapist. A younger therapist is likely to be more educated about new treatment methods, not an uneducated hack. If you want to have a pity party about it fine, but you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face by completely ruling out a category of therapists because you think you know all there is to know about that category. Come on.

      1. Agreed. “A thirty year old will definitely not know what to do.” That makes absolutely no sense.

      2. +1. OP, I think you’re underestimating the training that a 30-year-old therapist would likely have. A good friend of mine has her PsyD, which I understand is less prestigious than a PhD but focuses more on clinical training. Her program required 4 years of coursework and training and a 1-year internship to get a degree. To get a license, she had to complete a one-year post-doc and pass the state psychology boards. She’s well qualified to help people.

    2. I personally think you are wise not to want to mess around with meds when you have a chronic health condition. You do not sound super sane and rational when you characterize all therapists as sheltered idiots and dingbats. I’m sure you’ve seen some better and worse MDs; you already know that you have to keep looking to find people who are both good at their job and a good fit for you. Believe me, I’ve seen some ludicrously bad healthcare providers. But you sound like you are determined not to let this work. For example, it’s not at all rational to assume that age has anything to do with this. Maybe the 60+ old had out-of-date training and hasn’t adapted to new discoveries, whereas the 30 year old has benefited from the very latest research. In that case, the 30 year old would have more collective experience behind her. Have you considered that some people are benefiting from therapy despite their therapist’s shortcomings? CBT and DBT don’t always rely that heavily on the personal wisdom or maturity of the therapist. My best therapist was wrong about a number of things and people (one of which she later apologized to me about), but I still made progress with her. At some point, you need to commit to giving it a shot. And if you decide to start over with another therapist, keep in mind that it’s often okay not to get into your history if you want to focus on your goals: you can set the agenda.

      2. I felt that therapy would be a safe place to get everything off of my mind…at least in the first few visits. I didn’t think I would be judged so harshly and then “let go”. Like I said, as if I failed at a job during my probationary period. I didn’t think therapy would be so much like life. I might as well just go through life. I am also a little confused about the stuff with my mother. I do feel like she doesn’t truly care about me, but no one has said such terrible things about her to me until now. I don’t know what to think. *

        I mean, I know you can’t go directionless through therapy for weeks or months, but I only had two visits and a portion of the third…

        1. I’m sorry–I didn’t understand that she wasn’t willing to see you anymore; I thought she just wanted you to take the lead on what you are hoping to accomplish. If you were “let go,” that would probably bother me too.

          I’m not sure it’s worse to say a parent has a personality disorder than to say they “don’t truly care” about their child; maybe she was trying to explain why it felt that way? (No one has both narcissistic personality disorder and borderline though; she must have been weighing alternative possibilities.)

          One thing you can do on your own is look up the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook and the book Walking on Eggshells. I have a parent with a personality disorder, and I found these books really helpful.

        2. I just think maybe your expectations of what therapy is are off. It’s actually not a place where you just go vent for an hour each week and then leave.

          1. The last therapist I went to was like that. She asked me what I wanted from it at that time, and I told her I needed to vent a while. This one was the total opposite. Come once a month, have a strict agenda, and if you fail to meet the goals we set from the second visit to the third, you are out.

    3. Is this a continuing story bc I don’t know what your issue is. But yeah people who go into therapy/psychiatry often have their own issues.

      1. Her issue is she gained 8 pounds and life is over and she will die alone with cats and no one will hire her and everything is the worst and no one can possibly help her and don’t even try.

        Your doctor told you to take meds. Do it.

        1. No, that isn’t me. But when I read that, I felt like, “Gosh, maybe I’m way too positive about life”. But yeah, that was me at that age. Let me tell you, hun, if you are listening…With every year that goes by, or 5-8 years from now, you are going to look back at how stupid you were for saying that and realize that you were still young and wasted your time with those thoughts. I hope by the time you realize that, it won’t truly be too late. But back to me…yeah, I got to get to the younger therapist I guess…

      2. Please don’t generalize about a field of vocation and intense study and often evidence-based treatments … signed an almost 60 year old PhD Psychologist. All vocations have incompetent folks.

        If OP is seeing a veteran Licensed Psychologist, then she found a bad apple. That said, I do agree with the threads that say a younger therapist may well have better training or is up-to-date on research. This is especially true for research based therapy approaches.

        In the long run, just like finding an internist or OB that you “like” it is a trial and error approach. I’m wondering if there is another alternative, if OP wants someone older than herself, if that’s the issue. There are also boards where you can search (by city or state professional organization) to find someone with a technique such as Cognitive-Behavioral or other approach which may be better for OP.

        Hang in there, OP. Once you find the good fit, it’s really worth it. On both sides!

    4. Take the meds. You need them. Do you want to be miserable? It’s not any sort of accomplishment to not take meds you need. You can spend the rest of your life like this or you can stop being ridiculously stubborn and take your meds. Up to you.

      1. Yeah, it’s no more a personal virtue to get through depression without meds than it is to let a cut heal without putting a band-aid on it.

      2. I just feel like I need someone to help me sort things out. I feel like I was thrown out for not having a polished narrative of my life for her with 1-2 goals by visit 3. I didn’t know this would require homework and consideration before even consulting with her. Can’t a person just have someone to talk to sometimes when she doesn’t want to let her crazy out with anyone else? I guess not. She didn’t tell me it would be this way, it just happened.

        1. I hate homework in therapy. If you are like me, you may be happier with a DBT or psychodynamic or “insight-oriented” therapist than with a CBT therapist. Some CBT therapists are all about the goals and the homework, and those are the things I can do on my own.

          1. I am okay with homework, but I kind of thought we would go over what was bugging me and kept me from getting things done. The distracting thoughts that I needed to address. I wanted to sort out feelings that I just couldn’t find a “box” for.

            This therapist was not what she advertised. “Are you feeling stuck in your life? Unhappy with your relationships or not coping well with the difficulties of life? Or are you at a critical point in your life, dealing with a major illness, a life changing event or ongoing problems with addictions, depression, relationships, domestic violence, anxiety, or self-image? I will join with you in uncovering your strengths, guiding you to understand how your thoughts and feelings impact your behavior, and sort through the “stuff” of life that is weighing you down. This will help you discover your individual path to wellness.
            My goal is to create a safe environment in each session, allowing you the space and comfort you need to better understand your life and take steps to move forward. With over 20 years experience, I do this by being present, listening non-judgmentally and joining you in creating your best life.”

      3. I didn’t mean to sound judgy. It was just that the meds I was on were doing me more harm than good, and I didn’t listen to my instincts. They made me lose my hair, grow hair in weird places, gave me anxiety, bad skin, aches and pains, digestive problems, varicose veins…and all the docs didn’t want to believe it. As it turns out, I was right and I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time not listening to my gut. Now, I have a new health issue that is causing a different type of hair loss…and all of those psych meds cause hair loss. I don’t want to risk it. I think that would make me more depressed. I realize that many here have said meds have changed their lives. I just haven’t met anyone like that. Plus my aunt wanted to get off of hers once because people were telling her she was getting too anxious and doing so made her try to commit suicide. I am afraid I will be someone who will not only react badly to the meds but have trouble getting off. I have bad reactions to all sorts of medicines, including prescription vitamin D. The D almost made me commit suicide because it affected my thyroid so quickly and drastically. My neck swelled up and I felt like I was being choked and I felt anxious and filled with dread…just after 1-2 pills. This lasted a while after discontinuing the vitamins and it was one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my anti-med rants…

        1. So, many of the things you are describing are not medically logical. I think you are having some presumptions about side effects/symptoms that may not be accurate.

          Do you have a good primary care doctor that knows you and you trust? It is very important for you to form long term relationships with your care providers so that they know you well, you can evaluate changes/symptoms/issues together carefully, and figure out what works best for you. Perhaps you really need to have a stable relationship with a therapist and a psychiatrist who work with you for several weeks/months and then, if needed, to very slowly start a medication.

          I do not believe that you will have a side effect with every medication for depression/anxiety that exists. If you do, it is instead likely that your mental illness and stress are contributing to these symptoms. Almost every side effect you described can actually be caused by depression/anxiety/stress. This is actually incredibly common, and does not mean that your complaints are not real. They absolutely are. But they may mean your psychiatrist will have a different approach in figuring out your treatment plan to minimize the chance of these symptoms.

        2. Hi, know I’m replying late, but I just want to give validation to the idea that some people just react badly or atypically to meds. My family on my mom’s side is like that, including me. I think we have allelic variations or even a small mutation somewhere in our cell signaling pathway that amplify or reduce certain effects unintentionally. Listen to yourself, because IME docs won’t even if you experience a known side effect. Good luck finding your therapist match. I haven’t myself, but I hope you keep trying even if it feels hopeless right now.

          1. I am a smaller person and a female, and the fact is that most things are tested on males or normal sized people. I realize that people imagine side effects. But I dutifully listened to practitioners for about 20 years and thought that the meds had nothing to do with what I was experiencing, and when I finally came off just recently and found all of my odd problems lessened and went away…Then, I went to the internet which is much more comprehensive than it was in decades past and found data supporting my theories…

            Maybe meds could help. I just would like to get this hair loss thing sorted out first. One of my adrenal hormones just shot off the charts recently and I’m being tested for possible causes…including unusual growths.

    5. You sound like you are in a really bad place, and you really need treatment. And your depression is thwarting you from accepting treatment.

      Curious – have you ever tried medication in the 20 years you have seen therapists off and on?

      Sometimes when you are depressed, a medication can be a temporary way of lightening the load so you can get through the hard work with a therapist. Yes, it is hard to find a therapist. But you have barely given this one a chance and she seems to be insightful so far – telling you that you need a lot of therapy help and possibly medication.

      Often we warp what our therapists actually say via our depressed mind’s interpretation. Perhaps all of your doctors over the years have been quacks. Maybe not though….

      I also agree that it is wrong to write off 30 year olds.

      You say you are hopeless. You are clearly very depressed, and it sounds like you have a very long history that has contributed to that, and possibly a genetic predisposition towards that (we all have a bit of our parents in us….). Yet, you don’t want to take medication. And now, you don’t want to do therapy. Unfortunately, you will need to compromise to get the help you need.

      I’m so sorry it is so hard to find a therapist that you click with. But sometimes it takes time.

      I’m sorry your life has been such a struggle. I’m proud of you for getting through your other health condition so well and getting off those medications. This is just another health problem that you can conquer as well. I know you can. Try to keep going to see this therapist, and take on the other recommendations she has for you (see an additional counselor, try medication). Because 20 years of depression is really brutal on the brain, and is much worse than taking a medication that might help you.

      1. +1. I couldn’t have said it better. OP, remember that depression can warp your way of thinking. That’s why it’s so insidious and hard to beat. Honestly, when you’re in this bad of shape, you need meds. Maybe not forever, but to get you into a space where you can do all the others stuff that’ll have lasting, positive changes. I am a fellow depression sufferer and I know it’s not easy, but life really, truly can be better than this.

      2. I feel hopeless because a woman in her 60s said that I had too many problems for her to help me figure out. I’m thinking that, “Well, I made it this far and probably a lot wouldn’t have.” I was also hurt because I said I haven’t done anything with my life in 20 years and she agreed with me. It was harsh. Fired and told I had nothing to show for my life…all in one day. Plus, my mother is a psycho and doesn’t care and doesn’t have the ability to. To much reality hitting me at once. I don’t feel like I need drugs if I was able to keep myself that delusional for so long on my own…apparently not knowing anything going on around me…

    6. Why do you think it will be “a b” to try medication to address your mental illness? That’s certainly not a universal experience. It might be worth talking to a psychiatrist who would have more concrete advice about medication, including how it could impact your chronic illness, than a therapist.

      I wouldn’t expect therapy to be effective for someone who believes “therapists are sheltered idiots” and “all dingbats”. The way you refer to the age of your therapists also says that you are making a judgment before you speak to them about whether they will be able to help you or not. Therapists are not magicians – they are a human who is trying to help another human and have a bit of a leg up because they have learned about and helped other humans with similar problems. You need to be in it. My therapist never set goals for me or told me what to do. She would ask me what my goal was in relation to a particular issue and help me talk through that, then ask me how I thought I could achieve that goal and help me talk through that. It’s you who will be doing that work day to day, so it makes sense that that starts in the therapist’s office.

      Your idea of streamlining your discussion with your therapist is actually a good one. My therapist encouraged me to talk about one issue (sometimes two is they were related) during a session so I could focus on it rather than getting overwhelmed by every single issue happening in my life. I don’t mean hide anything from your therapist, I just mean saying “There are multiple issues that I’d like your help with over time, but the most pressing issue is X because Y”.

    7. You should speak with your main doctor about medication alternatives. You say you don’t want additional medicines because of other health issues, but your depressed mindset (and the increased cortisol levels from the stress that depression and anxiety produce) will only hinder your healing.

      Depression medication has come a long way in recent years and there are so many medications that can help without drastic side effects. Talk with your doctor about your worries with respect to the medication and they can give suggestions that try to avoid those effects. For example, if you are worried about weight gain, bupropion is not associated with weight gain. If you are worried about a foggy head, your doctor can adjust dosage or vary the ramp up in use.

      1. +1 There are a lot of medication alternatives out there. I am strange in that I’ve had much more success with methylfolate (also available as Deplin), tryptophan, magnesium, and GABA than with SSRIs or benzos. I seem to do better with gentler nudges. (It’s also possible, given all the health issues I have, that my hormonal swings and my recurring nutritional deficiencies have had more of an effect on my mood than my genuine thoughts and feelings to begin with; it certainly feels that way sometimes.) I did have a positive experience with Wellbutrin once I adjusted to it. I am a fan of the somewhat entertaining website crazymeds for positive but realistic information about psychiatrics. I believe it’s offline now, but it might be in the internet archive. In general, I believe it’s crucial to weigh the pros and the cons, the costs and the benefits of any medication, instead of going into the decision either desperate or fearful.

    8. Younger doctors are probably more up to date on newer techniques that seemed to escape the therapist you saw. You have nothing to lose by trying.

    9. Gently, you need to work on your attitude, too. Therapists can’t wave a magic wand and make you better. You have to actually want that, and from your posts here, it doesn’t sound like you.

    10. Therapy is not supposed to be easy and nobody ever said it was. It is work and it can be painful. You need to reset your expectations about how it works.

    11. Maybe a younger person would be better, since they are closer to understanding what life is like for someone of my generation. Or just my age. It is just a little embarrassing to be in my late 30s with so many things left to sort out. I am venting because I feel like I was fired from a job and I feel like I’m twisting in the wind.

      1. wait, you’re only in your late 30’s? I thought you were in your 50’s the way you went on about how a 30 year old couldn’t possibly get you. If you’re in your 30’s, gently, I would suggest a 30 fish therapist would probably be a better fit for you.

  22. If you are reading today – I promise I’m not trolling or debating – just really curious, because your use of the term religions ‘elders’ caught my eye… it’s a term I associate with my miserable upbringing as a Jehovah’s Witness (‘elders’ is what they call their priests/pastors), and when I read your comment I was dying to know if that’s where you might have come from too. I was also raised to be anti-abortion but did a 180 on that viewpoint once I started realizing that religion was so not for me.

    1. non-white ethnicity (Asian), raised Catholic and attended a mostly white church. Left the church after witnessing horrible racist and sexist vitriol directed at a young woman of color who got pregnant in college and ultimately opted for an abortion. The man who impregnated her was a white man 10+ years her senior and was a viewed as a victim of her manipulation. There was not one iota of Christ’s love in how those people treated that scared and overwhelmed young woman and I see their faces mirrored in the faces of those who intimidate and protest outside clinics.

      1. Thanks for responding and sharing. I saw similar shaming and misogyny in the church I was raised in, which was a big factor in my departure. It never seemed reflective of Christian love to me either. I am glad for you that you are forging a path in line with your values. For me, that took time and was a challenge, but I’ve never regretted it. Wishing you all the best :)

  23. “Swim in your own lane.” Don’t try to second guess what someone else around you is doing or why or how you would do it differently. Simply focus on controlling whatever is within your own control. Also, don’t stay too long It shouldn’t feel obvious that you’re unhappy for two years and staying for more. The more you stay in a toxic situation where you feel helpless , the more you pick up behaviors and negative thought patterns that can keep you from succeeding elsewhere.

    2. Thank you.

      It feels like other people are crossing into my swim lane, or my swim lane overlaps with their swim lane and they’re doing absolutely crazy things.

      But I can’t control it. Thank you for the thoughts.

  24. Any tricks for getting nail polish out of fabric? I tried my nail polish remover and it didn’t fully work, though it’s acetone-free nail polish remover.

    1. Yikes. I had to use acetone and it might take some of the dye out of the fabric along with it. I salvaged my quilt, but it had a light spot.

  25. PSA for anyone in PSLF. Make sure to look into the details of the Temporary Expanded PSLF. Congress recently appropriated $350 million to this temporary program to expand the eligibility for PSLF. From USDOE’s website: “The law provides additional conditions under which borrowers may become eligible for loan forgiveness if some or all of their payments made on William D. Ford Federal Direct Loan (Direct Loan) Program loans were made on a nonqualifying repayment plan for the PSLF Program. This opportunity is only available on a first-come, first-served basis until the $350 million has been allocated or other criteria are met.” My husband graduated in 2007 and consolidated with direct loans in 2008. However, IBR didn’t come around until 2009. Therefore, he made 8 payments while consolidated with direct loans before IBR (payments prior to consolidation don’t count). He was still a year away from PSLF, but now under the Temporary Expanded PSLF he is only 3 payments away. He’s spent a lot of time this week on the phone with FedLoan and they have confirmed for him, in writing, that he only has 3 payments left and he will be eligible for forgiveness under PSLF. There are other circumstances that qualify under the temporary program, but I know we didn’t think his situation would apply until we started doing research. Good luck!

  26. I’m invited to a casual get together with a friend this weekend and she wants me to bring a healthier snack – she suggested a fruit platter, but I want to do something a little more interesting in the fruit and/or veggie space that people will actually eat. The group is about half well traveled Americans and half international friends, so palates are adventurous. Any recommendations?

    1. I follow the blogger Aint To Proud to Meg on social media and she does lovely fruit/veggie/cheese/charcuterie plates. Those are my inspiration when I have to make a similar dish. I think the trick is to make the presentation appealing and fancy even if the ingredients are somewhat simple.

      1. Oooh, thanks for this rec. Those are seriously beautiful. Now I want to make a fancy plate for this weekend.

    2. Martha Stewart living posted some really interesting fruit salads in all one color with a mix of fruits/veggies. I’d be very into one of those!
      https://www.marthastewart.com/1529812/red-fruit-salad-white-balsamic-and-black-pepper
      https://www.marthastewart.com/1529811/green-fruit-salad-lime-and-honey
      https://www.marthastewart.com/1529813/orange-fruit-salad-five-spice-powder

      Smitten Kitchen has also been posting a bunch of healthy slaws lately. One of my favorites is anything Thai inspired, so cabbage/carrots with fish sauce/lime juice/brown sugar topped with peanuts and mint!

    3. I took a fruit platter with a greek yogurt/honey/cinnamon “dressing” to a similar event, still pretty healthy but people seemed to like it.

    4. I would go with a stone fruit salad (plums and peaches) with a lime-mint dressing (torn up mint leaves muddled in lime juice and sugar water).

        1. It is my go-to potluck dish if I have not been able to score “bring cheese from Whole Foods” duty.

    5. Fruit and veggie platters can be lovely and I think are always popular. I’d add a few dips and choose some nice fruits and vegetables. Agree with the other point on presentation.

      2. I was at a party this week and they had watermelon caprese skewers, substituting watermelon for the tomatoes. It was delish.

    8. Sliced heirloom tomatoes with balsamic reduction (can buy premade) drizzled on it, with flaky sea salt and basil chiffonade (can also do as caprese skewers with grape tomatoes for less precious transportation);
      Zucchini “salsa” of raw rough diced zucchini, olive oil, red wine vinegar, red onion fine dice, salt and pepper with chips or crostini;
      Tabbouleh;
      Pickle plate (quick pickles are great for many veggies and can be “pickled” in 2 hours) with chicken sausage slices;
      Grilled corn on the cob with lime juice and flaky salt (add cojito cheese for less healthy but so delicious)

    10. Also want to add that as an American with European family… for reasons I cannot explain… my immigrant family L-O-V-E-S fruit platters. Family parties are piled high with dishes and the dessert table has its own separate table… and yet, it’s the fruit platter we all go crazy for. There will often be 2 or 3! I’d bring a fruit platter (I also love Greek yogurt with cinnamon and honey as a dip) *and* something fun/adventurous suggested here that you wanted to try. Fruit platters are just such a great ‘fill out your plate’ item and they will be gobbled up!

    11. One of my favorite dips to make is greek yoghurt, crumbled feta, lemon juice, and shwarma spices. Especially if you have multicolored carrots, maybe some radishes, sugar snap peas, a bunch of different colors and textures/crunch level of veggies, it’s usually a hit.

  27. I have a coworker who I work very closely with, we are supposed to do almost everything together. The thing is he seems to really dislike the job, feels like its boring, drags his feet about doing things etc He has legitimate concerns and I share them to extent, but c’mon, there’s work to do and there are more productive ways to get better work than moping.

    I don’t want to nag him, but there’s work he needs to do. He also doesn’t take initiative (because he finds the work boring), but if I ask him enough he does do a good job. Do I just ignore his negativity and keep asking him to do his work? He’s said he doesn’t mind me delegating or controlling the workflow, which has just become necessary.

    Any suggestions?

    1. Do you have to work with him?

      If so, I would just take over with delegating/controlling the workflow. Exhausting, but may get you the results you need.

      And encourage him to go out for a walk/work-out at lunch every day. Seriously. It can be life changing for some people. Maybe literally go with him once to get him started. Go for lunch or coffee.

    2. I think you need to shut down his negativity when he starts with it and also tell him to do his job! Are you his supervisor? Why can’t he do his work without you assigning it to him?

    3. Sounds like you share a boss? Talk to the boss. He needs to pull his weight. Don’t mommy him.

  28. Feeling massively unsuccessful today as a good friend from college who I’m in touch with like 1x/year now just got named to yet another top 40 under 40 at hedge funds list and the bio happened to mention his purchase of a $30 mil home in NYC. And here I am with my 150k government job just hoping some law firm that may or may not ever make me partner just decides to take me so I can revolving door out. Guess he won.

    2. Maybe he won because your attitude is horrendous? You have a job that ain’t coal mining and pays 150k.

      1. I’m not suggesting that I’m out there paving roads in 100 degree heat. But in an industry where the top people can make $1mil+ per year, I don’t consider 150k to be all that. As for attitude – I spent 10 years working 80 hours a week and going above and beyond to be able to get to one of the 500k+ jobs and it didn’t matter when the firm folded (not my doing). So sorry that may have soured me a bit.

        1. Things you can control: your attitude.

          Things you cannon control: other people, your former firm folding, whether it rains on your parade, if someone makes more money than you doing a different job.

          A $150k government job is something a lot of people aspire to. Get out of your NYC hedge fund bubble (which sounds by all accounts to be a horrific place any way you slice it) and adjust your attitude. Or be miserable. Whatever, your choice.

          1. I would kill for a $150k government job. Many of us have worked just as hard as you have.

            Time for you to look at yourself a bit more deeply.

            I recommend volunteering, so that you truly recognize how lucky you are.

        2. Oh hey I’m in the same industry as you and make 60k. I’m in private sector, not gov’t, FYI.

        3. You are doing objectively way better than 99% of the people in this world and if you’re still feeling sorry for yourself, then I don’t know what to tell you.

        4. Sitting here reading this in my $40k government job. Maybe try fixing up your attitude a bit.

          1. My husband makes $150k a year and I’m incredibly grateful that he is pulling in that kind of cash. Some people will never see that kind of salary in their entire freakin’ lifetime.

            Is it as much as others make? No. Do I care? No.

            I suggest reading the poem “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann and remind yourself that comparison is the thief of all joy in life.

    3. And…here I am making 1/5 of what you make, and enjoying my life. It’s a beautiful summer day, I make a difference in people’s lives, I have some interesting work to do today that is exactly suited to my skills and passions, and next week is a holiday.

      It’s all what you compare yourself to and what you consider “winning.” I think I’ve won.

      1. Yup, I make $40k and am generally happy and fulfilled. There’s so much more to life than $30 million homes.

      1. If you think 150k in law is good, you lack ambition. I think OP likely went to HLS or somewhere similar as her friend is likely a top finance grad. OP – everything goes thru stages. Revolving door out of the government to whichever firm takes out and start making the $$$ again.

        2. LOL that you think salary is necessarily a marker of how ambitious you are. In law or otherwise.

          I wonder if this is the same person who periodically posts about being miserable in her govt job that isn’t prestigious enough and she hates her coworkers and thinks they’re boring rubes and wishes she could get back into private practice but, for some reason, even though she ostensibly has an amazing resume and work ethic, the hiring market is getting better, and apparently she now even has experience knowing the inner workings of an agency that presumably regulates her desired clients, can’t get a job.

          1. I thought that too, except the original person said she didn’t make partner and this person said her firm folded. It could be the same person tweaking the details though.

          2. +1

            I remember that now, too. You could be right. I’m empathetic to the struggle with feeling like your career hasn’t panned out like you hoped and to feelings of inadequacy, but man OP needs an attitude adjustment. To put it kindly, she owes it to herself if she wants to live a happy life.

          3. it wouldn’t surprise me if a few people here felt that way, that they’ve hit a rut and can’t move up to where they feel they should be. This community attracts ambitious women, after all, and we all have our own idea of what success looks like! Personally, I’m making 60k right now, and I’d like to be making a bit more but only because my city is expensive and I want to live somewhat comfortably.

      1. Not the OP – I went to Wharton and did thecNYC finance thing for a few years. It is a VERY common attitude with nyc finance and law people — and not just naive 22 year olds, I was around 50 year olds who understood life’s ups and downs and yet still measured life with money.

        1. What an awful circle to run in. No wonder our banking/financial system seems approaching another crash….

          What a waste of brilliant minds.

          If only they put that mental energy towards doing something useful for life/society other than just making money for themselves. Like curing cancer.

          No wonder they are so bitter and stay in their own circles.

          2. Another Wharton grad here – thanks for this reality check! I have one of those “lifestyle” jobs that gives me a good quality of life and decent pay and sometimes I get in that doubt spiral about not being 40 under 40 or on track to be a billionaire or whatever else will feel like I “made it” in the eyes of my classmates. So the replies here give me a nice pick-me-up that not everyone is this narrow-minded in their definition of success.

          3. Kindly, why does it matter if your classmates think you have “made it” (aka get some award no one outside of a small group of people care about, drive the “right” car, own a multi-million dollar home, buy designer items, etc., versus being a good person)?

            It’s a meaningless circle of comparison that down have anything to do with the quality of person you are. I would all day errrrrry day choose to surround myself with people of substance and quality instead of people who consider the anount of money I make to be a measure of my success.

        3. Not the OP – I left! Finance can be used in lots of ways. I just remember the culture and how easily finance types get pulled into that thinking.

    7. OP – sorry you are getting no sympathy here. I know how you feel. It took me some serious self-work to get out of the comparison rut and realize I have my own life to live despite how well so-and-so is doing. Try to stop mourning those lost years and find things that make you happy.

      1. OP isn’t getting any sympathy because she doesn’t want to feel better, which is clear by her comment history. She just wants to wallow and feel sorry for herself. It gets old.

    8. I went to HYS and make about $65K at legal aid 10+ years out. I rent an apartment. So…thoughts and prayers?

      1. You go girl.

        Thank you for doing what you do. We’re lucky to have you.

        We need more brilliant minds helping those who really need it.

  29. I’m contemplating moving to silicon valley for a great job. I live in a medium cost of living city now, although I used to live in NYC before. I can’t seem to get over the cost of living is the bay area. Any bay area folks who can share their stories? Or anyone else who had to contemplate relocating for a job. This is a great and rare job opportunity so I just need help coming to terms with living in another hcl area. For those who have lived in NYC and the Bay area, what do you see as the differences?

    1. I lived in NYC for about 5 years early in my career and have always thought of it as “the one that got away,” until we moved to SF for my husband’s job. I love it here! So much more than NYC. To me, it feels smaller, less crowded and more manageable. People are friendly. I’m very outdoorsy and the weather here is my idea of perfection. I don’t own here (not remotely possible), nor do I plan to have kids, so I think that frames my viewpoint in terms of long term viability. The cost of living is ridiculous, but we knew that going in. My saving grace is that Trader Joe’s prices are standardized across the country, so my food budget didn’t change. But the restaurants? Oh my. The jobs are abundant and my husband is constantly recruited for other good positions in the area. But I can’t imagine us staying here longer than 5 years due to costs.

    2. I haven’t lived in NYC, although my in-laws live there so I am generally familiar with the city. There’s a lot to love about the Bay Area: beautiful weather (especially in the peninsula/south bay, SF itself is chilly and foggy most of the year), good food, lots of stuff to do in the area and even more stuff within a short drive (Yosemite, Napa, Tahoe, etc), several airports with lots of international flights, lots of emphasis on healthy living without the plastic surgery obsession of LA.

      Ultimately though, we left, largely due to the cost of living. Call me materialistic, but I really wanted to own a single family home, and that simply wasn’t gong to happen in any part of the Bay Area that was within reasonable commuting distance of our jobs. I was in Big Law when we lived there, so we had no problem saving the down payment for a $2M+ home. The problem was that I couldn’t imagine taking on a million dollar mortgage, especially when I knew I wasn’t going to be in Big Law forever (unlike a lot of people, I actually loved working in Big Law in my 20s, but I wanted to have children in my 30s and knew that I didn’t want to combine kids and Big Law). We left and used the $400k we’d saved to buy a home outright in a LCOL city in the Midwest. Not having a mortgage has given us incredible financial freedom and a lot more money for things we enjoy, like travel, so I have no regrets.

      Several of my friends in the bay have bought homes in the $2.5-3M range. I believe most of them got family help on the down payments, but they have good tech jobs and plan to stay in them until retirement age, so the mortgage isn’t such a burden. However, I do have one friend who had a baby and decided she wanted to stay home, but it simply wasn’t an option for them financially. They couldn’t pay the mortgage without her income, so she went back to work and is pretty miserable. So I guess my advice is that if you plan to stay there long-term and want to own a home, you’ll probably need a HHI of ~$250k (maybe more if you have kids because daycare is really expensive there too).

      But my in-laws rent a fairly average 1 bedroom apartment in NYC for $5k, so I’m not convinced SF is crazier.

    3. Lived in NYC for 10 years and SF for 6 months, for context. I really think the only thing the Bay Area has going for it over NYC is natural beauty and weather (and in SF proper, your definition of better weather better be “never gets warm”). If you love to hike and get outside and it’s a major part of your life right now, you’ll probably enjoy it. But I felt everything else was a downgrade – less walkable, less diversity, worse public transport, worse cleanliness, and OMG the COST. I genuinely don’t think it’s worth it unless it’s a huge career leap opportunity for you (long-term — not just this one job) and even then I would make it a temporary thing.

    4. The only reason I would consider staying in the Bay Area is the natural beauty, but other places in the West are just as beautiful and way cheaper and more accessible. I can’t go to Tahoe or Yosemite or anywhere else I like without hordes of crowds clogging up the roads to get there too. I’m checking out with some nostalgia because those places really are amazing, but it’s just not worth it to LIVE here.

    5. I’m a CA native and lived in the Bay Area for seven years ending in 2014, and also went to college there for 4 years before that. I have lived in NYC. NYC is a city-city. People take public transport. It is crazy and loud and vibrantly full of culture. The Bay Area is vibrant in a different, suburban way, in some places, and just CA suburban sprawl in others. You will need a car. Planning is a thing because traffic is a thing. Living in the City (that’s what locals call SF) is very different than the Peninsula or East Bay, and it is also very different than living in NY. SF is a much lower density city than NYC, so it seems quaint compared to NYC. Its public transport is rotten. But the food is amazing. The city itself has some wildly beautiful pockets and is more livable than NYC in some ways (very walkable in parts) and harder in others (see traffic, public transport). Rent is higher in SF/SV, but you often get more space (so a NY 1 BR is small and pricy and West Coast apartment is pricy and a little bigger). You can finally buy the 6 or 8 pack of toilet paper and will have somewhere to store it! There are also one million amazing places to escape to right near the Bay Area–wine country, Tahoe, Yosemite, Monterey/Carmel/Pebble Beach…to name a few. You pay to live in proximity to paradise.

      I left for grad school in 2014 and am now in Boston. I visit the Bay Area frequently. But when you hear other people saying that making 100K is not enough in SV or SF, believe them. There was just an article this week that making under $114K in certain SV counties qualifies you for low income housing. Yes, believe it.

      I have moved all over the world for jobs, and you need to ask yourself if you’re excited about the job in the Bay Area, or if you’re excited about building a life for yourself in the Bay Area. Those are two different things.

  30. I get terrible VPL with my bra cups. I wear a lot of white shirts for work, and with the recent trend towards flimsy fabrics, the edge of my bras cups are always visible. A tank top doesn’t help enough; sometimes it just adds more frumpiness under my shirt. It happens with all my bras. Is the fit wrong? (my uneven, smaller b**b has worse lines along the cup.) Do I need a better tank top? Give up white shirts? Help!

    1. If you’re wearing thick, molded cups, this will happen. Try stepping down to a thinner cup. You can find cups that are lined and modest without being thick. If you need the oomph, look for bras that are designed to lift by how the cups are sewn instead of by adding padding.

      2. I’ve been having this problem as well, and it never occurred to me that this was the issue, but it probably is! I like wearing push-ups but maybe it’s time to try less padded ones and see if that helps. I know these lines are “normal” but they still make me feel self-conscious and I often worry other women in the office or on the train are gonna judge me for it.

    3. I’ve always been told this is because it is too small. Get fitted properly and bring your problem shirts with you.

    4. How old are your bras? I wear the T-shirt bra type, full coverage, and the edge of the molded cup tends to start to curl a bit after a year or two, giving just the issue you describe. When I buy new ones the issue goes away.

      1. Yep. This is my experience. I also look for “full coverage” cups for wearing under t-shirts.

    5. try a “spacer” style bra, even if you don’t have a large cup size. I like “DKNY Women’s Mesh Litewear Spacer Full Coverage Underwire Bra.” also, fuller coverage cups do this less (e.g. not a demi bra), as do bras with more of a triangle shape (like a swimsuit top, kinda? they’re hard to find but worth it,) fwiw I’m a 34b.

    6. Accept the fact that people will be able to see the outlines of a garment that almost every adult woman wears?

    7. Also, counter-intuitively, a lace edge will smooth the transition more than a plain edge.

      1. Yes, that’s why I wear the Soma Enticing Lift in full coverage. It doesn’t show at all. It’s not lined and has a lace edge.

        1. This looks like the perfect bra (and reminds me of a bra that I loved until it wore out). As usual, I wish there were petite sizing… I’m tempted to fudge the band size up and the cup size down, but usually the cups are too far apart at that point. Thanks for the recommendation.

  31. Chicago folks – what meal/restaurant delivery services are in your city? Which one do you like/would recommend? I would like send a friend who just had a baby meal delivery gift certificate.

    1. Ubereats, Grubhub, DoorDash, Postmates. I’ve never used Postmates.

      Would recommend against any mealkits like Blue Apron or HelloFresh, though it sounds like thats not what you had in mind.

      My SO once used a meal delivery service called Freshly, which is kind of like fancy frozen meals only they’re refrigerated not frozen. I could see that being helpful to new parents.

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