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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 372 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Seared Chevrons Cardigan

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Seared Chevrons CardiganThe outfit here is a bit, um, casual/creative — but that sweater is amazing. I love the “seared chevrons” on this cardigan — it's a bold and graphic look but also, I think, a fun twist on what I generally think of as a traditional pattern. I would wear the cardigan open over sheath dresses, and buttoned up under blazers and with trousers. (The turquoise color is shown here; there's also a more subdued “blue motif” pattern as well.) Gorgeous. It's $118 at Anthropologie. Seared Chevrons Cardigan

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Comments

    • AIMS

      I am not wild about the “turquoise” but absolutely love the “blue motif” color. Gorgeous pick!

      • mamabear

        I don’t like this photo at all, but when I clicked through and looked at the other color, I loved the styling in that photo with the coral dress.

        • NOLA

          Yeah, didn’t like this one at all, but the one with the coral dress looks more like a peac*ck pattern rather than chevron. Really pretty.

          • zora

            i love this! I’ve become obsessed with chevrons for some reason, i dont know where it came from!!

      • mamabear

        (although the knitter in me would be inclined to hold out for real Missoni…)

    • Diana Barry

      I can’t stand it – the blue, the loud pattern, yuck. I don’t like Missoni either, so that’s probably why. :)

      • EC MD

        Missoni looks like my grandma’s afghans to me. I feel as though I’m uncouth and unstylish to feel this way, but I just can’t get over it. And those afghans were scratchy, too, so I start itching just looking at these sweaters.

      • Kanye East

        It’s too reminiscent of those sand “paintings” in vases that were so huge in the 1970s and which you youngsters wouldn’t even remember so get off my lawn already!

    • Niktaw

      Both options are very pretty, but I would not wear this, or any cardy, buttoned-up under a blazer.

      • AIMS

        I wear cardigan like this buttoned up under blazers (and alone) but backwards so buttons are facing the back. This way, it’s a really pretty detail on the back (if I take the blazer off or wear alone) and otherwise just a great high neckline sweater.

      • hah

        I think unless you are a model size this just makes you look sooo much bigger than you are. I am not large and under NO circumstances would I put a sweater under a blazer to make myself look larger.

      • S

        I often wear a thin cardigan under a blazer if the shirt I am wearing is sleeveless because it helps extend the time between trips to the dry cleaner for the blazer. But the cardigan is usually unbuttoned and you can’t really tell it’s there.

      • Amelia Bedelia

        I actually love the buttoned (thin) cardigans under a blazer. it solves the sleeveless problem, provides extra warmth, and is more casual when I sit at my desk or go to dinner after work.
        plus, i love when the cuffs of the cardi peek out under the sleeves of the blazer.

    • eek

      Missoni patterns reminds me of the visual aura that precede my migraines except mine aren’t as colorful.

    • RRugosa

      I have this sweater. Love it. It’s soft, fits nicely and is really versatile. Goes with jeans or black pants or skirts. Good for travel.

  2. KLG

    Holiday shopping threadjack. Can anyone recommend comfortable brands of men’s shoes? I’m talking leather loafers to wear with jeans and a sweater out to dinner (the stylish kind, not old man loafers :)). My SO has to wear very uncomfortable shoes for work and is on his feet all day which means he only ever wants to wear running shoes in the evenings/on weekends. He’s not opposed at all to wearing more stylish shoes but says he just doesn’t seem to ever find any that are comfortable. Bonus points if the brand carries wide sizes. Thanks!

    • Anna

      Sketchers, maybe? My boyfriend has a pair of dress shoes that are non-Sketchery looking.

    • KC

      My brothers and dad swear by their Sperry’s (which is funny because we’re basically the opposite of an East Coast boating family). They have the more casual boat shoes, but also a nice selection of slightly dressier shoes. I’ve heard good things about Dockers shoes as well.

    • mamabear

      My husband pretty much only wears Clarks Wave or Clarks Unstructured now. He’s a stylish guy but likes his feet comfortable.

    • darjeeling

      They aren’t cheap but I got the Cole Haan Lunar Grand wingtips for my husband and they are beautiful and comfortable and look good with jeans or dress pants. It’s basically a nice shoe with a tennis-shoe sole.

    • AIMS

      Clarks are very comfy and come in wide widths and some of their styles are totally nice and non-grandpa-ish.
      Cole Haan makes good loafers too (w/Nike Air) but two caveats: they run a bit narrower than average and you need to break them in before they are truly comfy – it’s well worth the effort once you do, but not sure if your SO will see it that way.
      Sperry also makes nice quality, reasonably priced loafers. Though frankly I prefer their boat shoes (the leather ones). Maybe that could be a good compromise.

    • Diana Barry

      Also, he may want to look into orthotics for work – my DH wears those and they make even his uncomfy shoes better.

    • anon in tejas

      Earth! My SO loves Earth shoes, as do I. I don’t wear mine as often now, but he’s got a few pairs that he regularly wears.

    • lucy stone

      My dad wears Sperry’s and loves them. A couple guy friends have Clarks and have also been happy with those. My husband wears Airwalks (he’s just a sk8r boi) so I share your pain. :)

    • Lyssa

      I’m not sure about loafers, but my very picky husband is a big fan of Rockports, which he says are very comfortable. He’s worn dressy ones for work (for standing all day type jobs) and still really liked their comfort.

    • S in Chicago

      Check out Cole Haans. Totally worth the price. A lot of the loafer styles (and some oxfords) now come with a heel that is made out of a bright colored tennis shoe-like material. I own a pair of the Eva style for women. I feel like I look grown up who is secretly wearing sneakers.

      • S in Chicago

        “like a grown up who is secretly wearing sneakers”

        Apparently my typing skills have yet to mature as well!

    • a.k.

      My husband has become a Cole Haan Nike Air loyalist. They are not cheap, but they are well-made.

    • Brooklyn, Esq.

      My husband, who also has problematic feet, loves his Borns. Not the MOST stylish, but I think they’re pretty cute for going out on weekends. (I’ve also convinced him to do what I do, and change shoes at work–he wears the Borns to the office and then switches over to his very handsome but much less comfortable Cole Haans etc.).

    • Tuesday

      My husband, who always says it doesn’t matter & he’ll wear whatever, has really taken a liking to Cole Haan loafers — mentions how comfortable they are almost every time he wears them. Those are a little more stylish. His standby, more casual non-work shoes are these Rockports: http://www.zappos.com/rockport-main-route-northfield-espresso-nubuck. He doesn’t mention comfort as much while wearing them, but he’s been buying them for years — he always has a current pair and the one-pair-behind that’s a little worn for extra-casual use (chores, etc.).

      My brother swears by Ecco, and will go to great lengths to hunt down a particular model.

    • CKB

      My husband has very fussy and wide feet & is very picky about his shoes. We’ve had lots of luck lately with Teva shoes. Yes, like the sandals, but they have a line of leather shoes that are simple in design that dh deems acceptable enough to wear with his khakis for work, or with his jeans on the weekend.

    • KLG

      Thank you all so much for the suggestions! I really appreciate it and will definitely be doing some shopping soon!

  3. manomanon

    Threadjack!
    How do you deal with a manager who doesn’t ever get things back to you, unless it’s something she initiates, and even then it’s spotty. I work for a small non-profit and report directly to our executive director and development director. Both are great about feedback etc. and one is great about making sure I have what I need from her. BUT the other (director of development) is terrible at it. Essentially everything I do goes through them at least the first time it happens. They draft letters that go out for acknowledgements, memberships and the like but the development director is terrible about getting them back to me. I will send her something, never hear back follow up 2 days later and she says its coming, and it never does so then I look bad.
    Any tips on how to deal with this situation? This is my first real job and I’m losing my mind because I feel like I look bad and it’s not entirely my fault (except as the most junior I understand that at the end of the day most things probably are my fault)

    • IMMJ

      Send her the draft by email. When you follow up, forward the previous email to her with a nice note reminding her that you’re still waiting to hear from her. The next time you follow up, forward the previous email so that now there are 3 requests for feedback in the chain. Etc.

      • anon

        This. I had a boss like this once. Worst case scenario is that these follow-up emails will help you CYA at review time.

    • Avodah

      Actually, just because you are the most junior does NOT mean things are your fault. If you meet the deadline and follow up a few times, the ball is in your manager’s court.

      Some people may disagree with me, but with my supervisors I complete things and follow up 2 or 3 times. If they don’t respond-it isn’t my problem.

      What do I say when people ask? “I compelted project X by deadline, and followed up with Mr. Boss 3 times last week. I have not heard back.”

      • Brant

        I would say YMMV here…while I totally agree that what Avodah outlined *may* be the case, I have–and am currently–in an environment where one really does need to push on his/her manager if he/she is the holdup. Part of the job here is making sure your work gets done, regardless of who the holdup is.

        I do agree that you should do your best to CYA either way, but definitely don’t default to “it’s my manager’s job, not mine” unless you are sure you are in an environment like Avodah. I spent 3 years with a boss like this, perfected the art of “managing up” and got glowing reviews from all my boss’s peers–they totally recognized what I was able to do DESPITE having my boss as a barrier.

        • AnonInfinity

          I completely agree. I’ve figured out which projects I can say, “I’m sending this at 3 on Friday unless you have any feedback before then” and which ones I have to really hunt the partner down to review. But this is a good option once you’ve proven yourself or if it seems like the boss doesn’t really want or need to review everything.

        • Avodah

          @ Brant- I just want to clarify- I don’t condone throwing one’s hand in the air and saying “not my problem”.

          My points were (1.) one can only f/u *so* many times before being ridiculous and (2.) Just because you are junior does not mean something is automatically your fault

          Hope that clears things up!

          • Brant

            In my experience, telling someone that a project/document/work didn’t get done because it is sitting on Boss’ desk for review (and you’ve reminded him/her 3x and have a paper trail) will only get you so far– when push comes to shove, the work isn’t done.

            I totally agree that this is a “know your office” thing.

    • AnonInfinity

      Are you in the same physical location as this boss? If so, you can try going to her office and asking her to review it. I use this strategy all the time with one of the partners at my firm. He is extremely busy, and things just get pushed to the bottom of his inbox. I’ll take a letter into his office and ask him to review it and sit there while he does it. This doesn’t work for a multi-page brief, but it’s very effective for shorter projects.

      Of course you have to judge your boss’s personality and figure out if this will fly.

    • anon in tejas

      I had this situation at my first job out of law school.

      I was increasingly frustrated. Every email was ignored, and every attempt to stick my head in her door (open door policy) was met with shouting and “I don’t have time for this.”

      I ended up creating a paper trail. There was a big blow up when I screwed up something major, but I had sent multiple emails asking for help and input. At that time, she got a little more serious about assistance.

      I would see if you can try to schedule a time with her to have a one on one if necessary. Save up everything and try to focus on getting follow up during that time.

      • Avodah

        That reminds me- what about a weekly mtg?

        I support very, very, very busy finance people. No matter how busy they are, our weekly, 10 min. catch up on Thursday or Friday morning is crucial to getting things done. Would a weekly catch-up work?

        I ask them everything from where they want to eat lunch to which funds they need info. about and what kind of info.

        BTW- I literally time our mtg. and limit it to 10 min, so they trust I will not waste their time.

    • manomanon

      Thank you everyone for the suggestions! There is at least a form of a paper trail – whenever she needs something the second or third time I forward the old email so it’s obvious it’s there. I am in the same place which is nice- I can try sitting down with her, everything is compounded by the fact that there isn’t a huge emphasis on facetime, (at least at that level) so she comes in around 10 and stays until 3:30 or so, which from my perspective is part of the problem, but unlikely to change.

      • AnonInfinity

        Here’s my experience with facetime (YMMV; I don’t know your office culture). My firm also does not have a big facetime expectation or requirement. The thought is that you do what you want as long as your work gets done. The partner I referenced above travels constantly and sometimes will be in the office for just half a day one week. I still insist on going over projects with him in person because it translates so much better than email. I can see his facial expressions if he’s confused or if it seems like he really likes a certain part. I can ask follow up questions if I don’t understand why he wants to make a certain edit. I think this has helped him like me a lot. We get so much more interaction and dialog than the people who only interact with him through email (and I get my questions answered more frequently). He’s taken me under his wing a bit, and I think this is partially because he sees me as a go-getter and someone who is genuinely interested in learning and getting better. That couldn’t have happened without our facetime.

        I say this by way of example that, even if your office isn’t big on facetime, there are still major advantages to it. My disclaimer is that I hate email for transmitting and discussing projects, so I’m also coming to this problem with that bias.

        (I know I’m all up in this thread, but managing up is one of those things that I like doing and thinking about.)

        • manomanon

          That is very much what happens here with regards to getting your work done… for most people, there is lots of in and out of the office etc, for everyone but me(which is fine- I like having a schedule and I’m young enough that I don’t have any other responsibilities requiring a more flexible schedule).
          When I can get her to focus long enough for an in person meeting they are incredibly effective, which is something I’ve thought about more actively during this discussion- I am going to try scheduling a weekly catch up at a minimum to make sure I’m getting what I need. (thanks Avodah) I prefer things in person but because people are in and out all the time email is at least a record for me when I’m working on something.

          • Meg Murry

            In scheduling the weekly catchup, propose a time – like “how about we meet tuesdays at 1:00”. If you leave it to your boss that doesn’t get back to you to set the time, it probably won’t happen. Once a time is on the table, its on them to propose back a different time if the one you picked doesn’t work.

      • hellskitchen

        Do you give her a firm timeline by which you expect something back? My company has a culture where this is written out in the subject line. For e.g. “pls reply by Thursday COB” or “review by 3 pm.” As a manager i find this helpful to prioritize which emails from direct reports need urgent attention. And as a direct report, sending back an email chain with the deadline in the subject line that is past due, creates more pressure for the recipient to reply right away

    • Mountain Girl

      I think I am probably that boss. Part of the problem might be that your boss is overloaded herself. I know that I am a hands-off type of boss and it does probably drive my staff crazy. I trust my staff and they all do a good job but I have asked them to let me know when they NEED me vs letting me know they need to discuss something that can wait.

      • KLG

        But that makes a good manager. I was fine with bosses who said “I am too busy to review everything so send it out yourself unless you have questions” or told me they only want to review certain types of things or anything for a certain client. What is frustrating is a boss who wants to review *everything* before it goes out and sets that as an expectation, but then delays the actual review.

      • karenpadi

        This. Anything anyone tells me on the way to the kitchen or in passing goes completely over my head. The best thing to do is resend (including the attachments) what needs to be done or schedule a time (no more than 30 minutes–I like the 10-minute meeting idea) to meet to go over a specific task.

    • NOLA

      Anthropologie actually carries a bunch of different brands. Each one is a little different.

  6. Almost There

    Google keeps showing me ads for wrinkle cream, and I’m starting to worry! I just turned 27 and feel like maybe it’s time to start using an anti-wrinkle cream around my eyes. But, I tend toward oily/breakouts, so I want to be careful. Do you use something like this? How old were you when you started? Do you think it makes a difference? Any favorite product recs? TYIA!

    • mamabear

      1) don’t let the Google ads get to you
      2) you don’t need a wrinkle cream unless your skin is actually dry. they don’t work anyway
      3) prevent wrinkles by using sunscreen and not smoking

        • mamabear

          Unless wrinkle creams contain retinol, they neither prevent nor eliminate wrinkles. And by retinol, I really mean Retin-A. You can look it up. An emollient cream can smooth out the appearance of wrinkles if the skin there is dry, but that’s about it.

          One more tip for OP
          Don’t rub your eyes. Take off makeup gently.

        • eek

          Paula says you don’t need an eye cream, that your regular moisturizer should do the trick. I still use eye cream because I’m not a believer, yet and because I have some eye cream to use. Been using eye cream since very early 20s.

          • JessC

            I’m going to guess Paula Begoun, creater of Paula’s Choice skin care products. There are several devotees on this site (myself included).

          • SF Bay Associate

            Yep, Paula of Paula’s Choice. I’m another devotee. I love her de-bunking of all of the marketing bs that’s thrown at us. Like how light and air damage active ingredients, so a clear jar is the worst kind of container, yet a lot of eye creams are packaged in a jar. Even if the ingredients were good to begin with, after a short period of time, the light and air (every time you open the jar, you let a ton of air in) destroy them. Or how eye cream is bs, especially the designer ones. Sunscreen, water, no smoking, and a regular moisturizer. That’s all you really need.

      • Legally Red

        Good point on the Google ads. They keep telling me about sales on size 14 jumpsuits…

      • Almost There

        mamabear, I didn’t know that – but I do have a Retin-A script! Have mostly stopped using it as my acne has subsided, but maybe I should just use around my eyes… hmm.

        • SunnyD

          I think a lot of women (maybe men too) use Retin-A for anti-aging purposes only. My derm loves it for that.

          • Big girl

            From time to time I try prescription RetinA, and stop after a few weeks because my skin gets dull, oversensitive and a few itchy rashes – even with a single weekly use. Nothing serious, but not the perfect, glowy skin I’d like.
            Does anyone has this issue ? Is it only temporary and should I carry on ?

            I have very sensitive skin, I can’t use water on my face either. I do use sunscreen everyday, though.

          • Godzilla

            Maybe get a prescription with lower concentration of retinol? You could be reacting to something else in the ointment. Or, maybe you’re aggressively exfoliating and you shouldn’t be?

          • January

            For Big girl: I don’t do very well with Retin-A (my derm actually took me off of it because he said it was making my skin look worse), but you might try applying it every other night, or limiting use to three times a week and see if you notice any improvement. My derm also mentioned that people usually have fewer problems with the gel formula than with the cream formula, which seems counterintuitive. I haven’t tried the gel.

          • Big girl

            Thank you ! My derm wasn’t convinced about RetinA so she gave me a prescription for the lowest concentration (0.05% tretinoin according to the label). It’s a cream, though, not a gel, and I apply once a week. I don’t exfoliate not wash my face with water (bad, I know, but my skin looks and feels better this way !)

            I’ll look into non-prescription brands that should have less retinol, and gel formulas.

        • Bowie

          I would beware of using a retinA product made for face on delicate eye area. Could be fine, I would check with your Dr first. :)

          • mamabear

            Yes, I use Retin-A. I can manage using it close to the corners of my eyes, but not under them.

          • mamabear

            Oh, and PS I do use an eye cream, but not because I think it will eliminate the wrinkles I have or prevent future wrinkles. I use it for dry skin around my eyes.

        • Anonymous

          Neutrogena Healthy Skin and ROC night cream both have non-prescription strength retinol (Retin A) in them. Great products and very reasonably priced, even more so if you buy them at Costco/Sams

    • LeChouette

      I have normal to oily skin and am in my very early 30s — I started using an eye cream around your age, mostly because in the winter my eyes tended to get a little flaky / itchy. I use the Kiehl’s Abyssine eye cream (sp?) — it’s quite light actually and fast absorbing.

      I am not sure the extent to which is does anything, but it prevents my itchy eyes, and I don’t think my eyes look too wrinkly. Really this sort of thing is hypothetically preventative, so I’d say you can’t start too soon? I more wish I had worn sunglasses in the summer more consistently.

    • Legally Red

      I started using Clinique’s All About Eyes around 26-27, although it was more because of puffiness from late nights during law school.

        • Legally Red

          Yes, although not as much as getting enough sleep! It also cleared up the dry, irritated skin around my eyes.

        • lucy stone

          Not the op, but yes it does. I’ve also been using Clinique’s Even Better undereye corrector stuff and it has worked wonders for my deep puffy bags.

    • Lyssa

      I started using cocoa butter (the run of the mill palmers stuff) around my eyes when I was in college, and, while who really knows, I feel like it has probably headed off some wrinkles (I’m now 32). Super cheap, doesn’t make me greasy at all. It makes a good eye makeup remover, too. (easier for me to use than the liquid/oily types)

    • Anna

      Get a prescription for Retin-A. Use it over your whole face at night. You may also want a moisturizer. During the day, use a moisturizer with SPF. SPF and Retin-A are the only things that are proven to work. Other creams are more about making your skin look nicer, and at 27 I’m willing to bet your skin looks just fine.

      • springtime

        Yes, yes and yes. This is what I do, although I have been using Retin-A for months and my skin has yet to adjust ( still get really peely).

        • style advice needed...

          If you are still peeling after using Retin-A for months, then you need to cut back on how often you are using it until your skin adjusts.

          I gave up on Retin-A the first time I was prescribed it because I peeled like crazy. My primary doc prescribed it, and as she wasn’t a dermatologist, and didn’t give me good instructions on using it.

          Use it once at night. Wash face, let it dry at least 10-15 min before putting it on. Get a pea sized amount on your finger. Use small amounts on each face quadrant and connect the areas. Rub in evenly. I also do my neck and chest.

          I only used it once a week for a a couple weeks. Then twice a week for 1-2 weeks, then 3x per week for 1-2 weeks etc… And now I can tolerate it every night, but still will peel in tiny areas if I don’t apply it lightly an evenly.

          CURIOUS…. Do you guys actually put the retin-A underneath your eyes? I was scared that it would be too harsh.

          • springtime

            Yah, I liked my generic version for the price but maybe i need to try retin-a micro.

            I do use only a pea size amount, and I mixed it with a moisturizer which helps with spreading evenly. It’s weird- I get peeling about 48 hours after I put it on. I’ve tried to work my way up gradually but I still peel a bit. It’s gotten better, and I typically try to time my usage of it so that I peel (1) not during the day; and (2) on the weekend (i.e. sunday afternoon) since I just lounge around the house then.

            Also- I use it sparingly under my eyes and have never had irritation or peeling there. Just make sure to put a lot of heavy moisturizer on there after.

        • mamabear

          Have you tried Retin-A Micro? There is no generic equivalent (or wasn’t last time I checked) so it may be more expensive for you, but it is composed of micro sponges – I am not making this up – that release the active ingredient more gradually, so it is generally better for sensitive skin. I used it for a while, but my skin acclimated to the regular Retin-A in time.

          per the above, I don’t use the Retin-A right up to my lash lines, but I do use it near the corners of my eyes. Not in the eye socket underneath.

          • style advice needed...

            thanks mamabear!

            You bring up another good point. There are many varieties of Retin-A, and the newer one you mentioned is less harsh.

    • Legally Brunette

      On a related note, does anyone have recommendations for an alternative to Retin-A for those of us who are pregnant or breastfeeding? I used Retin-A religiously before I got pregnant and felt that it really helped with hyperpigmentation and overall making my skin look younger. My derm swears by it. But, I can’t use it anymore and probably can’t for the next few years, btw breast feeding and trying to get preggers again.

  7. Ella

    Interview advice – I just got a manicure last night and an upcoming interview slipped my mind when I was choosing the color. It’s a dark red. I have an interview at a plaintiff’s side civil rights firm. Is the dark red okay as long as the manicure is still perfect, or should I take it off?

    • Monday

      Sounds fine, unless you have your nails really long, which always looks talon-like with dark polish. Knock ’em dead!

    • peaches

      If you’re concerned enough about it to ask, you should take it off. Wouldn’t it be awful if you left it on, and didn’t get the offer, and forever wondered if it was because you wanted to save your pretty manicure?

      That being said, dark red (well, depending how dark) is a pretty conservative color, so I don’t think it would give anyone pause except for at very conservative firms (which this does not sound like).

      Good luck in your interview!

    • JessC

      If it’s going to bother you, then you should take it off (because you want to be relaxed and feel as confident as possible). That being said, as long as your manicure is neat and clean and not electric blue or highligher green, then I think you’re perfectly ok.

    • Herbie

      I interviewed someone yesterday with bright red nails. I thought they were lovely. And I’m a stuffy in-house lawyer.

    • Ella

      Thanks for your comments, everyone. I’m going to keep them. To peaches and JessC–you’re absolutely correct. However, I was planning on it even without the reassurance, so I’m going to keep it.

  8. Krista

    Love the pattern – I like to wear bold colors and patterns especially during the cold winter weather, it cheers me up!

  9. CleveAnon

    Looking for input on how to handle a paycheck situation: I was promoted October 1st but have yet to receive the higher pay I was promised–now for three pay periods. I have brought this issue up with my supervisors to no avail. We have changed payroll systems recently and my check appears to be part of a larger problem, but what should I do? I am frustrated with the lack of resolution for six weeks. I’m not under any financial duress but I would like to receive the pay that I accepted with this job offer. Suggestions?

    • ADL

      Ask A Manager had a very similar question/answer the other week (but the person had been strung along for a year or so, if I recall the details) – check out her blog and the comments.

    • Brant

      Don’t know the size of your company, but I would shoot a note/stop by the finance department and mention it. You don’t have to get into the details, but it might make you feel better to know they are aware of and working on the issue.

      If that doesn’t work, or if your finance department doesn’t exist, shoot a note over to HR and ask that person how to handle it. Something along the lines of “My salary increase stated it would be effective 10/1 but it has not shown up in my paycheck–is this an issue with our system?” Feel free to copy your boss if you think s/he will feel slighted–you mentioned you brought it up to them but didn’t say what they said in return. My guess is that it’s something that they don’t have time to deal with and don’t know exactly how to help.

      • Godzilla

        Also, some companies will pay the difference in a separate check. I know that raises around here take a while to go through payroll so sometimes it comes by in a physical check that requires a trip to the bank.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think this situation is me where it will pay off to be the squeaky wheel. I’d email the person who processes the payroll and cc your boss or whoever approved your raise to see what is going on. It’s possible that your paperwork hasn’t been processed yet.

      • karenpadi

        This. I had an issue where I didn’t receive an expected bonus expected. I just called payroll and asked about it. I didn’t get that bonus but they did decide to allow me to qualify for a bonus I wouldn’t normally get. I like to think it was because I was a polite squeaky wheel.

    • Bluejay

      Well, you should clarify that you’re going to receive back pay dated to the date you were given the raise. Assuming that’s the case, I don’t think there’s much else you can do.

  10. Shopping PSA

    For the Kiehl’s fans:

    They’re running a promo through the end of the year, $20 off $75 with the code JOYFUL.

    Just in time to stock up on heavier moisturizer!

  11. This time just C

    After getting out of a long-term relationship, I’m now dating again for the first time in several years. I have hyperhidrosis and my hands sweat all the time. It has nothing to do with being nervous or hot or anything else. I can be at home on my couch watching TV with sweaty hands. Anyway, how do I inform New Man that I don’t hold hands, preferably before he grabs my hand and finds a sweaty mess?

    • KSW

      Oh, I feel your pain. I have palmer and plantar hyperhidrosis as well. I’m sitting here working from home and my hands are sweating as I type. No advice on how to advise New Man, but I’m guessing if he really likes you, it won’t matter to him. Any thoughts on treatments/cures??

      • This time just C

        Thank you for comiserating. I feel pretty solo and weird on this one. You would think that after dealing with it for so many years that I’d be over it.

        From my internet research, as well as talking to doctors, I can’t find a single cure or treatment other than wearing socks and wiping off the keyboard. At cocktail parties, I usually hold my drink in my right hand so that I can blame any hand dampness when I shake hands with someone on my drink.

    • Brant

      Eh, wait until he goes to grab your hand, and then casually explain that you aren’t being weird, you just have sweaty hands. Then link arms and smile. Or maybe just wear gloves :)

      • MaggieLizer

        Does anyone else get the below error message when they click the link? Is there anything I can do about it? I’m so not fluent in facebook!

        The page you requested cannot be displayed right now. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may have expired, or you may not have permission to view this page.

    • Me too

      I have the same problem and was very self conscious about it. When I was dating my now husband, I told him that I had this problem and that I preferred not to hold hands for that reason. He said that I was being silly, said that he didn’t mind at all, and then grabbed my (very sweaty) hand. :) We’ve now been married 8 years and I still have this problem, but I’m over worrying about it now.

      Some women on this site recommend using Drysol on a regular basis. I used it for a while but then got pregnant, so I have since stopped. You might want to see if it works for you.

      • This time just C

        Thanks! I use Drysol on the underarms with great success. I’m not sure why I didn’t have the magical revelation that it could work on my hands too.

        Congratulations on your baby!

        • Me too

          Thanks, and good luck with the new man! I did find that Drysol helped my palms when I used it, so check it out.

    • Batgirl

      I’ve been using Robinul for years. My dermatologist prescribed it for me to use between botox treatments for my underarm area. The Robinul worked so well that I just stopped the botox altogether. I take about 3mg in the morning and am usually good through the day. I had a bit of drymouth and headaches at first, but only for the first few weeks. It’s a godsend now. I’ve been using it for about 5 years, I think.

      • Sweet as Soda Pop

        I second the recommendation for Robinul. I take 2mg in the morning, and I sweat what I would consider “normally” when I work out, but not on my hands/feet/back/face while I’m just sitting at work. My derm originally recommended me taking it at night because it can cause drowsiness, but it gave me weird dreams, so now I take it in the morning. I LOVE this stuff.

  12. momentsofabsurdity

    Is anyone watching the Mindy Project? I was *cracking up* at the first scene in last night’s episode (and I think everyone can identify with that fear!)

    • rosie

      I am watching on Hulu, so I’m very excited to hear there’s a new one! Was skeptical at first, but now I’m a big fan of that show. “Don’t look at me like you’re teaching me something.”

      • Research, Not Law

        I’ve been watching on Hulu, too, and was disappointed there wasn’t a new episode (from last week) posted last night. I wasn’t sold on the show at the beginning, but it’s seriously growing on me.

    • Lalo

      I thought the first scene was really funny horrifying. I want to love the show but I have sort of a hard time sometimes, but I can’t really put my finger on why.

    • karenpadi

      Oh goodness, Mindy Kaling is me and I am Mindy Kaling. I read her book over the weekend–hilarious!

      I’m watching on Hulu and can’t wait to see the next episode!

  13. Blonde Lawyer

    This weekend I will be traveling from somewhere north to somewhere south. Our route will take us through CT on 91 and 95, then we will be on 287 in NY over the Tappan Zee Bridge, into NJ, then on 78 into PA to 81.

    I’m concerned about the above portion of our trip due to Hurricane Sandy issues and gas shortages. I called AAA and they had little info except that “those areas aren’t that bad.” They thought the rationing of every other day was over for those areas. We will be driving this whole section of the trip in one day so we will have to get gas on the day we are driving. We plan to fill up in CT prior to the “issues” but I’m not sure if we would make it all the way through PA without filling up again. We also usually stop for the night in PA around Allenstown, but sometimes in Jersey if traffic is really bad. I want to make sure we know ahead of time if there are areas to avoid due to power outages or full hotels.

    I checked the Hurricane Sandy google map and it looks like there are some gas stations without gas on our route but there are also plenty with gas. I can’t tell from the maps if those have long lines. There seems to be a ton of construction but I can’t tell if that is standard or Hurricane related. I randomly checked hotels where we sometimes stop and they seem to have availability so I think we are good there.

    If anyone lives in any of these areas and can give me a better update I’d really appreciate it. Type A me needs to know. My husband on the other hand says “what’s the worst that can happen? We run out of gas and call AAA?” I hope he was kidding because I don’t think all the people waiting in line for gas in NY and NJ can just call AAA.

      • I'm Just Me

        Oops, it ended yesterday, the holiday this week has me all out of kilter.

    • MsZ

      You won’t have any problem in PA on 78/81 – I think your normal Allentown plan is fine. I also think the construction is just normal maintenance.

    • Almost There

      Could you get a gas can or two and fill them up in CT and put them in your trunk, just in case?

      • Blonde Lawyer

        We couldn’t safely do it because we have an SUV – hatch instead of trunk. We will also probably have the rear seats down and our dog in back so the whole storage section will be open to the passenger section.

        • Brant

          Put the gas cans in a crate/container on your roof. Just put them in a garbage bag first.

          I think it is very much worth your sanity to do this. Even a 5 gal tank gets you 75-100 miles on even the most gas-guzzly SUV. Plus, you will probably drive your seemingly non-Type A husband crazy if you don’t :)

    • De

      I live in CT and travel to LI frequently. If you take the Merritt Parkway/15/Hutch going into the NY boarder (runs parralell to 95, I know it does lead to the Tapanzee, but as I never go to NJ, I don’t know at what point that exit is) there is a rest area with a gas station right around the boarder, you could stop there and fill up. Maybe you can look it up on your AAA search, and see if it’s before the Tapanzee.

      • Brant

        The one with the cell tower made to look like a tree? That’s the one we always stop at (I grew up in southern CT with lots of family in LI/NJ)

        • De

          Um, I’ve never heard of this, but when I drive to LI next week for Thanksgiving I’m totally stopping there and looking for this tree! That definitely sounds like something Southern Connecticut would do.

          And hi neighbor :)

          • Michelle

            it doesn’t look like a REAL tree… more a stylized evergreen with very symmetrical branches!

          • Brant

            You’ve never noticed it because it is disguised! You don’t even have to stop-just look at the median on your way through Greenwich near the rest area. You can easily see it from the road.

    • Brant

      Totally depends on the kind of gas mileage you get!! My little car that gets 35mpg would be fine. Our truck would not.

      If you fill up in Westchester/Greenwich, you can easily make it through to PA on a traffic-free day. I would just worry about getting stuck in nasty traffic AND having trouble finding a gas station.

      It will probably make Type A you better (and your DH much happier) if you buy a 5 gal plastic gas can, fill it, and have it in the trunk. Even if your car gets 20mpg, you’ve got an extra hundred miles in your trunk.

      Then you’re covered, no matter what–and maybe you can help out a desperate motorist over the holidays :)

    • PharmaGirl

      No more rationing in NJ so you should probably wait until you get to NJ to gas up… it’s so much cheaper than CT!

    • rosie

      I have this question about driving between DC and NYC. Will there be crazy (or at least crazier than usual) traffic and long lines to get gas?

    • manomanon

      You will be fine driving in CT… Also- unless you have the world’s worst gas mileage you should be able to get from upper Fairfield county through PA without a fillup- I’ve done it in a decent mileage 12 passenger van (oh the joy of college road trips)
      That said.. unless there is a problem with the Merritt Parkway- take that instead of 95 much better alternative. And yes.. there is a gas station with a cell tower disguised as a tree.. being from northeastern CT I always laughed at that. :)

      • eggo

        Yep! I agree – if you gas up in CT you should have plenty of gas to make it into PA. I also live in New England and travel to LI and PA quite frequently (hi to all my neighbors here!!). I also agree that you should skip 95 and take 91 to the Merritt, to the Hutch to 287 over the Tappan Zee. I think that route misses the fake tree/cell tower at the rest stop/gas station, which is more south on the Hutch (if I am thinking of the same one that everyone is referring to).

  14. Merabella

    I thought it was a sign that a pair of shoes I had been eyeing were on sale at Nordstroms and only available in my size… But I’m guessing that it refused my credit card number twice was a bigger sign. Weird, because I have plenty of room on there, I guess Nordstroms knows that I don’t really need the shoes.

      • Merabella

        Don’t enable me! I don’t really need them and I took it as a sign to stop trying.

        Though I have now found myself shopping for clothes for my husband like he is a giant ken doll and we are playing dress up. What is wrong with me?

        • KC

          Ha. When I’m trying to limit my own spending, I find myself starting to shop for my BF. As if my brain is saying “Well fine, if you won’t let me buy clothes for KC, then I’ll use my talents elsewhere. Harumph!”

        • TO Lawyer

          I love shopping for my boyfriend – almost more than actually shopping for myself. He’s usually agreeable and will try on whatever I suggest so it’s like playing dress-up but I don’t have to go through the hassle of trying clothes on.

    • Nonny

      Call your bank….this happened to me about 10 days ago and the security on my card had been compromised so the bank had suspended it….they tried contacting me but I was busy and couldn’t get back to them right away. Maybe someone has gotten their hands on your card number? (I hope not but you never know in this day and age…)

  15. Cb

    Suggestions for backpacks that will hold a 13 inch laptop and not make me look like I’m on work experience? I have a Timbuk2 bag but it’s a bit too small. Does a non-dorky backpack exist? My kindergarten photo shows me with a 101 dalmatians’ messenger bag, backpacks are a whole new world to me.

    Mandarina Duck has rucksacks on sale. Worth it?

    • Professional backpack

      Tumi makes some women’s professional backpacks. I have the Georgetown University model, and like it a lot.

    • Wanda

      Not sure if it’s too late but I have the Case Logic NOX Corvus 14-15″ Laptop and iPad Backpack and love it for work. It’s nice and sleek yet professional looking, with a slot for your Ipad and has two outer side pockets for an umbrella and a water bottle. Bonus is it has the slot in the back which allows you to slide it over your suitcase handle!

  17. Smooth Ostrich Ropers

    Help!

    I have a pair of Justin smooth osterich ropers, black, and a little wide for me (7.5C, whereas I am usually a B width). Not so wide that I can’t wear them, but wide enough so I feel clompy and not as good as the boots look. I am trying to, as Tim Gunn says, Make It Work. I am torn, between just getting something where I don’t have to work at it and knowing that now that I have 2 children and a minivan, that something this fabulous is a serious splurge.

    FWIW, I can’t return the boots (and I’ve had them a shockingly long time, and their largeness was very useful back when I had pregnancy feet).

    Can someone try to mentally style ropers for me? Maybe I’m just having a mental block, but all of my boot styling thoughts seem to require non-clompy boots.

    • AnonAZ

      I want to say add some Wranglers and a cute tank top and sparkly belt, but I’m not sure cowgirl is the look you’re going for :) I never wear my western boots with clothes I wouldn’t wear to the barn, but a lot of people do and it looks cute! Have you tried doubling up on socks so they don’t feel so loose?

      • Smooth Ostrich Ropers

        I live in a pro-second amendment area, so cowgirl is always OK for leisure and I’ve always worn boots with pants in the winter (much warmer and feet are happier than in heels; plus: socks!). I feel so silly — my husband puts inserts in his hiking boots and I could try with these. Maybe it’s the non-sleekness of the wide ropers v. my size in a sleeker boot that I’m also having issues with.

        Need. To. Try. Harder!

    • anon

      I love my cowboy boots! And yes, like AnonAZ said, I wear them with everything that I would wear with regular brown/black tall boots. Just tuck a pair of skinny jeans in, or wear trouser jeans over them. And I also suggest either doubling up on socks or just buying a thick wool pair – hey, it’s cold out anyways!

    • KC

      I wear my brown Ariats with jeans and sweaters or leggings and tunic style dresses on the weekend. Since you’re concern is the clunkiness of the boots, maybe you could add volume to your upper half to help balance it out? Maybe a thick scarf, jacket, or puffer vest?

      I agree with AnonAZ, extra thick socks should help too, especially in the winter.

    • Lady Harriet

      I love cowboy boots! I have a pair that are also big on me (too long, rather than too wide, in my case, since I have absurdly short and wide feet.) I put a set of Spenco 3/4 length insoles in mine, which helps with the sizing, as well as adding cushioning and arch support, which I really need. I wear mine most often with flared jeans or corduroys. I also like wearing them with tights or leggings and a knee-length skirt. Whenever I wear tights with my boots I always put a pair of socks on over the tights–it keeps them from getting snagged, and my feet stay warm and comfortable. I also wear my boots with a maxi skirt, but this may be more out-there than you’re looking for. I think ropers are particularly awesome, since they have a round toe, not a pointy one. Personally, I find round toes both more comfortable and more aesthetically appealing. My mom has a pair of long-unused ropers which I would totally steal if my feet weren’t four sizes smaller than hers!

  18. Anna

    Does anyone have a coffee maker or espresso machine that they really love? I broke mine this week and I need to replace it. I’ve been roughing it with a funnel and a coffee filter all week because I can’t make up my mind.

    • AIMS

      We use a french press and would never go back to anything else. It’s easy, cheap, makes great coffee… Only advice if you go this route, get the Bodum. Immitation ones are just not nearly as good.

      • Anna

        Is it difficult to clean? I was considering getting one but I never have time to clean anything right away.

        • AIMS

          Not at all. You just dump the grinds in the garbage or toilet and rinse it out. I guess if you left it sitting there for days, it could be a problem but that’s the case with most things. We usually leave ours sitting out till evening and sometimes even till – gasp- next morning and it’s fine. The most I’ve had to do is maybe add some water to loosen them. Once in a blue moon I take apart the filters and give them a good cleaning but that takes all of 3 minutes and is not necessary too often. Honestly, the whole thing is very low maintenance. If I had any gripe about it, it’d be that it doesn’t keep coffee hot for extended periods but then again I hate the way coffee tastes when it’s been sitting on a hot plate so there really is no solution to that one. As it is, it stays warm a good amount of time. You can also get a cozy to keep it warm longer. Sometimes I just warm it up on the stove in a little pot if I decide I don’t feel like making a new batch and some is left over that is cold. Seriously, I love the french press. Not to mention that it’s great in a power outage.

          • ANP

            We also have a french press and I’ve been known to run it through the dishwasher!

        • Jo March

          All about the French Press. I’m ashamed to say we didn’t clean ours when we went out of town this long weekend (Friday to Tuesday) and it wasn’t even gross when we got back. I’d never go back to an automated coffee maker. It’s also fantastic for camping (if you do that kind of thing, lol).

      • Lyssa

        We do the same, and it’s great. Just as easy, feels a lot more fancy, the coffee is better, and (in case you tend to let it sit) it reheats very well, even a day later.

        For Anna, it’s very easy to clean. 90 percent of the time, we just rinse it out and dump the old grounds down the garbage disposal. Once in a while, we take it apart and wash it with soap (just like any other dishes), but honestly, that’s pretty rare, just every few weeks or so. You want to try to avoid leaving wet grounds or coffee in it for several days, as it will get moldy, but that takes a while. We pretty much never clean it (or even dump the grounds) right away.

    • SunnyD

      I have a coffee maker by Cuisinart that I love. Have had it for about four years and not had any problems.

      I don’t know the exact model (and unfortunately I’m not working from home), but it looks similar to Cuisinart® Brew Central™ 12-Cup Programmable Coffee Maker.

    • TX JD

      Moccamaster by Technivorm, love, love, love. It’s pricey, but worth the price. I got mine at Williams & Sonoma

    • eek

      Old reviews, but…

      Cooks Illustrated ratings from 2008:
      1. Technivorm Moccamaster (highly recommended)
      2. Krups 10-cup Programmable Thermal Coffee Machine (recommended w reservations)
      3. Cuisinart Grind and Brew 12 cup Automatic Coffeemaker (recommended w reservations)
      4. Black and Decker 10-cup Thermal Stainless Steel Coffeemaker (recommended w reservations)

      Cooks Country ratings from 2007 (inexpensive):
      1. Black and Decker Smartbrew 12 cup (recommended)
      2. Braun AromaDeluxe (recommended)
      3. Mr. Coffee 12-cup Programmable (recommended)
      4. Cuisinart Programmable Filter Brew 12-Cup Coffeemaker (recommended w reservations)
      5. Delonghi Caffe Elite (recommended w reservations)
      6. Proctor Silex 12-Cup Programmable (recommended w reservations)

    • AnonAZ

      I LOVED the Nespresso machines all over Europe when I was there this summer. Just the basic espresso version, almost like a Keurig. Pricey, but awesome coffee and so easy. Its on my wish list but has dropped in priority since I’ve drastically limited my coffee intake recently.

    • mamabear

      Look into an Aeropress. It makes better coffee than a french press and is self-cleaning. It is sold on Amazon. It is also dirt cheap.

      • Turtle Wexler

        +1. I used to use a French press but the Aeropress is even easier and makes (IMO) better coffee.

    • MacKaylaLane

      I do pour over with an electric kettle and ceramic filter holder (b/c I don’t have space for another appliance), but you might find it too close to filter in a funnel.

    • Jennifer

      We use pour over, which is not all that different from what you do. Chemex is a popular example, though we use some Japanese specialty thing because my husband is a supergeek. Pour over is easy to use, easy to clean, and makes great coffee. Intelligentsia (a coffee company) has a free iPhone/iPad app with timer that makes a perfect cup. You’ll need a coffee grinder and scale, though.

  19. TO Lawyer

    Toronto meetup tomorrow at 7pm at the Black Moon Lounge! I will now be annoying with all the reminders, mostly because I don’t want to be sitting at the bar alone because people forgot!

  20. e_pontellier

    I have an interview on Friday with a judge. Do I get a manicure and if so, what color? My nails are short and clean.

    • AIMS

      Get a manicure if it would make you feel more confident. Pick the color that would make you feel the best about yourself. I think something neutral would probably be best bet but as long as it’s not smurf blue, you’ll be ok. You could also just apply a clear coat and not worry about the manicure. Just go in feeling good about yourself and don’t forget to google the judge to find out anything you can about him/her. Good luck!

      • DC Jenny

        Ditto to this. No one is going to notice your nails unless they are dirty or really long or something.

    • Nancy P

      Judges can be strange and have specific ideas about what candidates should look like. I would go with clear or sheer nude / pink.

    • MacKaylaLane

      ditto everybody else. a mani is not necessary, but if you decide to do it, go with something very neutral… my older (now retired) judge once commented on an interviewee’s wierd eyeliner… and my bitten nails got the summer internship instead (told to me by the clerk at the end of the summer)

      and good luck!!

  21. anon..

    Some very close friends of ours are preparing to move overseas (Middle East). Could anyone suggest a Christmas gift that will befit their new home (and the fact they will now be traveling internationally much more than in the past?)

    • Godzilla

      One of my girlfriend’s who lives overseas really likes art and collects paintings throughout her travels. Maybe something that reminds them of where you all live? Something not too heavy and easily packed.

      • Meg Murry

        Its not a big gift, but when I was in college a friend bought me a stack of postcards from our hometown, which I hung in my room and looked at whenever I was homesick. I don’t know that that would be a good entire gift, but it might be a good part of it.

    • e_pontellier

      My first thought was: a neck pillow? but I don’t have any specific recommendations. Maybe a Lo & Sons bag? or a kindle for plane reading? I think you could go a number of directions with this: things for their new home, things to make the transition easier, or things to make travelling back and forth easier.

      • MacKaylaLane

        Love the idea of a Lo&Son’s bag. One of my coworkers took pictures of everyone and then put them into an album when I moved, which was really nice and thoughtful to have when I was abroad and far away from everyone. (also good to have to show new people who want to get to know you better)

  22. Anon for this

    This question is really out of left field, but … I have a friend who’s in the dating pool (there hasn’t been one man in particular), and she usually asks potential suitors to have an HIV test before they sleep together. This has made for some awkward conversations.

    I want to ask this totally respectfully, with the acknowledgment that safe sex is no joke, and that one must take care of oneself because no one else will. That said, I don’t know anyone else who does this, and I was wondering whether any of you guys either do it or know someone who does.

    • Merabella

      I don’t think that she is wrong for asking. I don’t know anyone who does this, but it really should be a regular practice for all of us – and they should have all STD tests. A lot of men don’t show symptoms, but are carriers for things.

      If the guy can’t handle this question he doesn’t deserve to take a trip around the lady garden.

      • Anon for this

        Thanks, Merabella! I really want “lady garden” to become part of the vernacular.

    • Brant

      Before we dated, DH was dating a girl and he got asked to take a general STD test. Apparently that woman had caught something before and learned a valuable lesson.

      I don’t think it’s strange that your friend asks, as long as it’s tactful. I also happen to think that by asking, she weeds out a lot of bad candidates. If the dude can’t handle/doesn’t respect/doesn’t react well her asking him to get an HIV test, sounds like the kind of guy for which there would be other deal-breakers along the way for your friend.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I always ask people if they have been tested, and how recently. I don’t think it’s weird. And I won’t go there with someone who hasn’t done it recently. I don’t think it’s weird, and I”m usually not a very aggressive/forceful person. On this issue, I am, though.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        Should add – I’m generally less concerned with specific HIV testing (though that’s important) than with general STD testing. It’s a basic health issue to me, and not something that I’ve ever actually felt like the conversation got awkward about.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        And I just asked a couple friends, out of curiosity. All of them said they do ask. It usually goes something like (sometime before a lady garden party) “You’ve been tested, right? How recently?”

        • AIMS

          I think it’s different to ask if they have been recently tested vs. to ask someone to take a test as a price of admission. We’re all our own gardenkeepers, so to speak, so each is entitled to set their own terms of admission, but I personally would think it a bit odd to ask to take an actual test. Yes, I know it’s smart, but I also feel like that’s what c*ndoms are for (and yes I know they’re not perfect, but nothing is, and sometimes one needs to host an impromptu party and there is just no time to go get a test and wait for its results). I should add that I think a full STD test is a totally legitimate and almost required request before anyone attends a garden party without their garden gloves. But that’s apples to oranges, in my mind.

    • e_pontellier

      It’s a completely valid concern (and your question is respectful), but I can see it scaring off even the most well-intentioned suitors if it comes out wrong. That being said, it really is a big deal and I think it shows a great deal of maturity to ask this in advance.

    • anon

      I don’t think this is that strange (though I am pretty intense about s*x health/safety). Condoms obviously help, but there are still STIs that can be transmitted without actual intercourse. That being said, I don’t really take my own advice here because I usually don’t ask about testing until a relationship has become more serious / not before the first time. Just because it is hard to ask when you’re getting to know someone. I know I’m contradicting myself…

      And just to clarify here I’m not the type to wait for 10-15 dates, exclusively dating, pretty serious. So this could also be very different if that was the case and you were more serious before the first time.

    • Anne Shirley

      I don’t and I’m not aware of any friends who do. I do insist on . . . Hose covers(?) every time the garden is watered.

      • Fran

        Hose covers are not enough to prevent a decent number of STDs, and if you are doing BJ’s without hose covers, then that is a problem. I think it is wise to get a full battery of STD tests (HIV and everything else) before doing things below the waist. The way to phrase is probably to suggest/propose/demand that both partners get tested, and not that the asker demand the results of the askee without reciprocating.

      • Senior Attorney

        Laughing about watering the garden. I was telling Mr. Senior Attorney about the thissite vernacular last night (post ladygarden party) and he said he thinks of his equipment as more of a “man fountain” than a “man statue!”

    • K...in transition

      I preface this by saying that one of my professional foci is in human s3xuality, but I always have a conversation with a potential partner before we reach that point. I tell him that I won’t ever ask for his # of partners or for details (and I don’t want them) but that I do need to know any info that will impact the relationship (trauma or the like) and that I’d like us to both be tested for the whole panel before we are together. I tell him that I am happy to share my results with him, that we can even make a date night of it by going together before dinner or something. I explain that I want us both to be safe and open with each other. And then I listen to his response. I listen to his words and I also listen to see his general reaction.

      I’ve had some people over the years who tell me that no one’s ever brought such up but anyone who’s really wanted to tiptoe through the tulips of my lady garden has been more than willing to oblige. As for the rest? I JSFAMO!

      TL;DR? Good for your friend :)

      • K...in transition

        to clarify, that whole conversation normally takes a whole 2 minutes or so since most guys either agree and we make a plan to get it done or they refuse and then they find out that the party isn’t happening with me otherwise. I don’t want that to read as a Very Special Episode length of a thing!

    • Almost There

      I have some friends who will throw lady garden parties using c*nd*ms, and insist on both partied getting all the tests before going without (when it seems to be becoming a longer-term relationship). Of course they still use BC/other forms of pg protection.

      • anonforthis

        Ya I generally do this as well. My boyfriend actually volunteered the information before we went without and I’m on the pill.

      • n.

        This is what I do/did as well — gardening gloves 100% of the time, except in the context of a few serious relationships. And in those cases I suggested we both get tested together as part of the conversation about glove free gardening.

    • Anon

      I’m part of a community that is not particularly known for being monogamous, and it is standard practice to volunteer one’s STI status and to get a full STI screening annually. If a partner didn’t volunteer, I’d definitely ask. Regardless, I insist on condoms with all but my one regular, fluid-bonded partner, even for oral sex (he does the same; otherwise I’d make him use a condom too).

    • anon tester

      I would not only ask for that test, but a broad STD panel as well. People can be carriers of things and not even know it!

    • big dipper

      Consensus among my friends is –

      (1) Before sleeping with someone (one night stand, newly dating, etc) they usually ask how recently the person’s been tested and if there were any concerns. They are using condoms during these encounters.

      (2) When they become exclusive with someone, my friend asks them to get tested and ALSO my friends will get tested again. That way it’s not like “you need to be tested, I don’t trust you” it’s more of a “we’re taking the next step so lets be safe.” They usually frame it as “now that we’re exclusive I’m going to get tested again to be sure, could you do the same?” Plus, after the earlier ask, they’ve already set up the open lines of communication re: sexual health so it doesn’t feel accusatory or awkward.

  23. Insubordinated

    Ladies, work-related thingy. Sorry this has ended up being a bit long but I’m currently very frustrated by this.

    I work in Big Law in a small team with two partners, one of whom is a relatively new partner and is also only about three years older than I am. He’s relatively laid back most of the time, there is a lot of back-and-forth joking around the team and generally we have always got on really well and 99% of the time this remains true. However, the other 1% of the time it’s like Jekyll and Hyde. Out of nowhere, he will suddenly freak out about something and get very angry and shout at me and then accuse me of snapping at him. If I say ‘I think you misunderstood’ or ‘that’s not what happened’ he will stamp his authority and highlight how I should respect him more because I’m ‘talking back’. He is never wrong or acting unreasonably and everything is always someone else’s fault which can be incredibly frustrating when he reads your behaviour/statement completely wrong and freaks out yet won’t give you the opportunity to explain. He always calms down really quickly but it still really bothers me and I sit there worrying he thinks I’m incompetent when in reality I am responding to his style of working and management which mostly encourages associates to speak their mind.

    Now, obviously he is a partner and therefore superior to me, but the hierarchy in the team and the firm is generally very flat and most of the time associates get on with partners well on a friendly level. However, it is really hard to prevent these situations from arising because 9 times I will react in a certain way to something and he won’t bat an eyelid then the 10th time I react the exact same way and he will randomly fly off the handle and accuse me of being insubordinate. This is really bugging me because I never know when it’s coming and then it always really frustrates me when it does happen. In the last week we have had two run-ins, whereas the last one was about 8 months ago, so part of it I think is mutual stress-related, but that doesn’t really help.

    Any tips on how to deal with this/manage up? Most of the time everything is fine and I like working here, but the uncertainty/surprise element really bothers me and I don’t care if he wants to be more hierarchical, but this is not the attitude he adopts. I feel like saying that if you are going to be a laissez-faire manager, then be a laissez-faire manager, but if you want to be authoritative, then you have to act that way all the time, not just 5% of the time, but I suspect he would not take this very well. Just to clarify, this isn’t just me, the other associates in the team also feel like it’s quite difficult sometimes because you never know if you will get Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde (and indeed usually you get Mr Hyde when you least expect it!)

    • Avodah

      I actually had a high school teacher like this (very different, I know). It is unfair to treat employees or students like that. No standard has been set. That being said…

      Is it possible to reduce communication w/ him to mainly email or IM? Perhaps try to talk to him w/ another person in the room?

      Also, I suggested this book yesterday although I have yet to read it myself- Be Assertive Not Aggressive. I have heard it is helpful.

      Good luck. This sounds really frustrating.

    • Soleil

      I have worked with someone like this. Since she was my boss and it was a small company, I realized there was nothing I could do to change the situation. When she flew off the handle I stopped trying to defend myself and just did what she wanted. There was no point in trying to reason with her, so it was better just to correct whatever she didn’t like and try to move on quickly without taking it personally. Occasionally I would go back to her well after the event to try to talk things over, but often times I just let it go.

      My approach might have changed if her reactions affected my ability to keep my job, but since these episodes were limited to small assignments and did not affect my reputation at work, I decided to just put up with it.

    • roses

      That’s rough, but I do applaud you for keeping it together when he blows up. Have you tried asking him what, specifically, you said that caused him to feel that you were insubordinate? If you can pin him down to specific thing X, you can avoid doing X, and then if doing Y makes him blow up also, ask if Y is also like X. Hopefully this will cause him to either give you a more general idea of what makes him mad, or realzie that there really is no particular pattern to what angers him.

    • Lady Enginerd

      He sounds pretty green on the managerial front, and might not realize that his diva moments are amplified and have more impact when he is “the boss” than previously when he was “the talent”. My PhD advisor was like that and took five years as a manager for him to calm down.

      I would try to avoid meeting alone with him, and especially closed-door one on one meetings, while you’re in a busy/stressful period at work. Having other people in the room should make him think twice about whether chewing you out for insubordination (/treating you as a whipping boy) is appropriate. Like roses suggests, I’d also follow up about the “insubordination” at a time when you both are calm and ask what it is you can do better and ask him to head off the big confrontations by giving you a heads up the first time something bothers him. After all, it will be in his best interest to grow as a manager so he doesn’t gain a reputation as a tyrant diva.

      Does he do this to everyone or just you?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Could you catch him when he is being cordial and try to discuss the issue? Something like “hey, I noticed we generally work really well together but every so often I say or do something that gets you really mad. I’m having trouble figuring out what is different between those occasions and our other interactions. Could you give me more specific feedback so I can avoid offending you in the future?”

      —

      Hopefully, he will say “oh, you just caught me on bad days, nothing you did.” Maybe instead he will say “I really hate it when you say x.” Who knows? At least you tried.

      • Anon

        Woah, do not do this. Just deal with it and move on if 99% of hte time this does not happen. Why bring up “hey remember when you thought I was an incompetant asshole?”

        It’s biglaw, he’s a partner, your an associate. BE happy he’s nice 99% of the time and for that other 1% of the time don’t talk back and just do what he says.

        Seriously, how is this even a question? If I was the manager and you asked me why I yelled at you later I would actually think less of you. This is biglaw, your a lawyer and a subordinate, he doesn’t need to be your best friend and like you. If this is what bothers you, I kindly suggest you get a life and worry about soemthing more substantial.

        • MacKaylaLane

          Agreed. They probably don’t remember, and if they do, they probably are too sheepish to apologize.

          I have a partner who will not acknowledge that he is ever EVER wrong. Instead, when it’s an oral discussion based on research he will loudly point out that HE IS RIGHT and NO WAY IS HE NOT RIGHT; then when I submit a memo carefully explaining that the law is opposite of what he said, he will take a few hours (or days), then “adopt” my correct statement of the law. NEVER acknowledging that I was right.

          I figure it’s just a fact of lawyering/being an associate? If I am wrong about this, please let me know!

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I only suggested it because it sounds like they have a close working relationship and rapport, not the usual partner/associate working relationship. I also add my usual caveat that I am in small law, not big law so my life is very different. My boss is more touchy feely let’s talk about our feelings way more than most.

  24. anon in tejas

    thread jack.

    I have been with my govt attorney job about 7 months. My boss’s birthday is tomorrow. She will be out of the office. She’s doing Atkins, and has lost some weight. I understand that we normally do cake, but that’s out because of Atkins. Should I do something for her (individually?) or not? I was thinking maybe gift card to nearby restaurant that has tons of Atkin’s friendly options? Just a card?

    I know my boss at work, but not really socially. We live in the same neighborhood, and she’s very sweet.

    • e_pontellier

      A former coworker of mine was on Atkins too, and for his birthday, the office provided a meat & cheese platter. It was perfect.

    • rosie

      I wouldn’t give her a gift (you generally don’t gift up at the office). A card would be sweet. Is she out on travel or on personal leave? If she’s out on personal leave, I’d assume she’s content to have a private birthday celebration at home and not do anything except a card, if you wanted to do that.

    • AnonInfinity

      I wouldn’t do anything other than a “happy birthday” email if you feel inspired. Definitely no gift to bosses. I think most bosses feel weird when subordinates give them gifts.

    • DC Jenny

      Federal employees are not permitted to give gifts to their superiors for a recurring event such as a birthday. (A food gift consumed at the office by everyone in the office would not be considered a gift.) Even if you’re not a fed you should check your applicable ethics regs before you buy your boss a gift. I think an Atkin’s friendly food celebration – cheese and meat tray?- when your boss gets back to the office would be your best solution.

    • InfoGeek

      We had a potluck salad meal for a co-worker’s birthday who was on a very restricted diet. Someone brought the greens, others brought tomatos, cheese, croutons, carrots, chicken, hard boiled eggs, dressings, etc.

      People could assemble a salad based on their dietary requirements and preferences.

    • AIMS

      Agree that you shouldn’t gift up. A card will be sufficient. But what about something like flourless chocolate cake? That should be atkins-approved, no?

    • JessC

      How about a card signed by your team? My boss is a really great supervisor and a just generally a great guy. He’s also a rather humble, don’t-make-a-big-fuss-about-me type also. I knew he’d hate it if we did anything big, so I bought a card and passed it around our office and got a bunch of the attorneys and staff to sign. I just left it on his desk for when he got back from the weekend. It didn’t create a fuss and let him know we all really appreciate him.

  25. Meg Murry

    when the image first loaded small and out of focus on my phone, my first thought was “Holy Cosby sweater, why is that on this site?” It’s not so bad once I saw the real image, but definitely outside my personal comfort zone.

    So – Pomodoro threadjack. I’ve been trying to be strict with Pomodoros, and I managed to do 2 full ones this morning, plus a couple partials where I got interupted – big improvement over recent non-productivity. But here’s my question – do any of you
    Pomodoro users have to use clunky computer systems that can take several minutes to load? What do you do if it’s mid Pomodoro? The software I use can take from 30 seconds to 4 minutes to load (not exaggerating I timed it), depending on how complicated a query I’m running, and sitting there waiting for it to load drives me CRAZY, but doing something else (like looking at this site on my phone, or checking email) distracts me from my main Pomodoro I’m supposed to be working on. Anyone have any suggestions for something to do that’s easy to stop & go back to the main task when my software is ready to go without losing my
    mental momentum? This morning I filed a fingernail that was bothering me during one long period and reviewed my todo list during another, but you can only do that so many times a day. Thought?

    • Tuesday

      Do you have any backlog projects, like catching up on old filing, or scanning old papers? You could file / scan until your query loads. Also, follow-up calls/emails often only take a minute or two.

    • Lady Enginerd

      I always have a stack of things to read in hard copy, so I’d just grab one of those and dig in. I’ll also send several things I need to read to the printer and pick up down the hall on my next break (printer takes 10 minutes to print a 5 page doc due to network issues).

      Or procrastinate on the Internet . Actually that’s really my plan A and that other stuff is wishful thinking about what I should be doing with my time :)

      • Meg Murry

        Thats what I’m thinking for now. If I shift my mental focus, even to reading emails or listening to voicemail I totally lose the train of what I was doing. I am also wiping down my desk one small section at a time. The project I’m Pomodoro-ing is one I’ve been procrastinating, so I can’t let my focus be shifted too far, I won’t go back. Just wondered if anyone had any great thoughts. I heard an article on NPR about a woman who had all these tasks she did while waiting for web pages to load, but now I can’t think of what many of them were and if any of them were ok for work (eg – flossing teeth – probably good use of 2 minutes, not such a good idea at work in a cube farm).

  26. Lo & Sons Shopping PSA

    Since we were talking about Lo & Sons bags yesterday, thought I would mention they are doing 30% during November with code CAPHILLSTYLE1 (yes I got that from the Capitol Hill Style blog).

    • Meg Murry

      Ahh! After reading all the raves about these bags I really want one, but I don’t especially need it. The discount code makes it better, but still more than I pay for anything in my wardrobe typically. I rarely travel, but I have a trip coming up that it would be nice for. Does anyone carry one of these bags as an everyday bag? Is this a bag that I’ll still be able to use in several years like decent luggage, or will it seem dated and off trend by then?
      Help talk me into or out of buying this please.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Oh crap. Just what I needed to know. Ever since one of the ladies here mentioned that the OG fits under the seat on JetBlue, my willpower was almost gone. 30% off? Gone gone.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously. I just convinced myself yesterday that I don’t need to buy a new bag!

    • DC Jenny

      Hmph, I just bought an OG with a 20% off coupon code. I will attempt to get a price adjustment and report back.

  27. Merabella

    I’m glad to know that there is a male equivalent to the short suit. Link to follow.

  28. Suit Options?

    Good morning ladies! I have a question: I currently do not own a suit (not an attorney), but I would like to purchase a basic black suit. However, everytime I try one on, I don’t like how it looks. I cannot pin point precisely what it is I don’t like, but it just seems off.

    I know I’ll probably need to get some tailoring done, but can anyone recommend a suit style that would look nice on my 5’7 slightly hourglass-self? My stomach is rounder, so that may make me somwehat an ‘apple,’ but I have a very defined waist, bust and hips. What type of jacket should I be looking for? Any skirt suits you ladies know of that hit below the knee?

    • Godzilla

      My post disappeared but here goes take 2:

      I think we have the same body type. An issue I have with most jackets is that when it “fits” me, including belly and bust, it’s way too big around my back and ribcage. Maybe darts would help? I wears suits like twice a year so I just stay away in general but for most of my jackets, I look for something to fit across my shoulders and the small of my back and I just leave the jacket open. Since I don’t work in a business formal world, I wouldn’t recommend it for you. Maybe hit up a huge department store and make an appointment with a personal shopper?

    • e_pontellier

      If you have time, maybe go to a higher-end department store (Bloomingdales?) and try on a bunch of different styles – skirt suits, pant suits, one button, two button, three button, etc.. Also consider grey. My husband looks a little off in black suits and grey suits look FAR better on him. I get my suits from JCrew and as a law student, they work great.

    • TBK

      Have you considered a sheath dress with a jacket? I recently bought the Emmaleigh dress from J Crew and had to have it taken in extensively in the bust. Since I’m small up top but have bigger hips/bum, it might work on an hourglass figure. The dress/jacket look might give you a longer line that will be more flattering than the typical jacket and skirt/pants look.

      • Merabella

        This. I love a sheath dress with a jacket combo myself. I also feel like it is very versatile if you aren’t wearing a suit all the time.

    • rosie

      Are you trying on suits in different fabrics? My favorite suit is a black suit from BR that has some stretch in it. It feels more like “regular clothes” to me than “stuffy suit.” I am 5’8” and all my skirt suits are at/below the knee. I have skirt suits from BR, J.Crew factory, and Calvin Klein (I think from the CK outlet). I like the J.Crew factory material the best of my skirt suits.

    • Merabella

      Try different stances on the buttons on the jacket. What might be off is that the stance is too high thus making the jacket look weird. Also you might want to try a shorter jacket because of your hour-glassyness and get everything tailored.

    • [insert clever name here]

      I agree with the earlier comments, but will add my two cents.
      Try a color other than black. It’s not the only conservative neutral. I look awful in black suits. So, my standards are grey/charcoal or navy. The black is just too harsh and simply “not me.” I also find the charcoal and navy easier to match with fun printed shells underneath.

      I am very hourglass (a.k.a hershey-kiss) and have better luck with sheath dresses and a fancy blazer. They suit me better both in physical fit and personality and style. I am an attorney, but I am just not a suit person. The sheath dress and non-matching blazer is my getting dressed up compromise. (Obviously I wear a suit when the situation demands, I am just not always happy about it.)

      Lastly, try different fabrics. Some of the cheaper suit sets, sold for less than $150 total, are made of some very strange materials. This makes a lot of otherwise normal looking suits look strange.

      As for type of jacket… I don’t know what I am talking about but will share what I gravitate towards. Personally, I steer clear from one-button jackets or other jackets that come to a close on the low-end because they make the girls look droopy. I like my jackets a little bit longer – hitting just above the widest part of my hips. I can’t do the more youthful cropped jackets – it just makes everything look odd in my cr0!ch region.

      Good luck!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m 5’7″, big bust, small hips and the express editor suit fit me perfect. I found the top ran smaller than regular professional clothes stores and the bottoms ran bigger. I needed a 4 on the bottom and was a 6/8 at the time and needed a 10 on top and was an 8 at the time.

    • In the Pink

      Im very hourglassy…so I try to wear jackets with a single button and a lowered stance in the buttons. I always have to have the seamstress take in the waists and jacket sleeves. Sometimes she takes up the sleeves at the shoulder instead.

      I wear suits 4x/month so I don’t spend alot on them. This means I buy the skirt suit combo. Have found that the sheath dresses out there aren’t flattering for the hourglass. YMMV.

      At Macy’s I have done well with the Tahari line and then love the Tahari Luxe ones that have an asymmetric closure (with delightful ruching on one side).

      I support the philosophy of buying complementary separates…that’s my daily wear, a jacket and a skirt rather than a suit. Once sheaths are replaced by Alines or fit/flare or the New Dress (design) by Dior (50s?) I’ll be back in more dresses.

      Happy hunting.

    • Erin

      I would hit up a larger BR or AT or Macy’s or Bloomies or Brooks Brothers as a prior poster recommended, and try on a few suits that catch your eye (or every single suit they have at your size/price point).

      My friend did this and ended up with a wonderful first-ish brown suit from AT at just over $100 (we went during an awesome sale).

      You may not have figured out what kind of cut works best for your figure (or tried on enough to whittle down the suits cuts to a “style” that works) which may make it look “off” to you.

      Also, if you’re not already wearing a top you’d wear under a suit, grab a cami or similar shell top to try on with the suit. A bulky oversize sweater is not going to make any suit look right.

      When I was interviewing/starting internships I ended up buying several suits (slowly) and there is one suit that I got at Macy’s (b/c I thought I needed more suits) and it’s an Anne Klein witha cut that is totally flattering but made of polyester and unlined pants so I HATE wearing it. I only wear it when I’m desparate and have discovered I can cold handwash it, so that’s great, but I truly wear it once a year.

      My fave basics have been black suit jackets and skirts/dresses/pants that I pick up from BR/AT in the same fabric in a variety of cuts so I can make a few outfits of them (check the fabrics in the sunlight to make sure it’s the same)… it’s gotten to the point where I can eye a lone skirt in the sale rack in my fave fabric… which is great for picking up a $20 suit skirt for when they wear out faster than my jackets. Find your line and stick with it? (BR/AT just works for me now)

  29. Tans easily

    Does a tan ultimately fade away and return your skin color to its normal complexion? I went on a beach vacation about 1.5 months ago. I have medium brown skin and my skin easily tans, even when I wear SPF 70. I came back from the vacation several shades darker. My tan hasn’t faded and I would rather not be this dark. None of my makeup suits my new complexion, and I liked my old skin color better, frankly. I still have a very prominent tan line from wear I wore my bikini.

    I have never used lightening creams or anything like that, but am wondering if they would help. Advice?

    • Merabella

      haven’t tried a lightening cream, but maybe get a slightly darker shade of make up and mix together with your normal stuff and ease off slowly as the tan fades. Bronzer never works on me, so I won’t suggest it, but I have had luck with the above option.

      • Tans easily

        Thanks. That’s the short term fix and that’s what I am doing, but I’m just trying to figure out if this tan will fade my itself or if I need to help it get back to its normal color.

    • Ellen

      I am VERY fair skinned, and when tan, I get the SAME way. It takes along time for the tan to go away but do NOT worry. It does, especialy in the WINTER, when it is cold outside here. FOOEY!

      My mother say’s I tan like a nordic wolf, whatever that mean’s–I think I got it from Grandma Leyeh, who was from Minsk (in Russia). She looked alot like Maria Sharpova when Grandma Leyeh was young–she was even voted some kind of local Beauty Queen back in the 1940’s!

      That is also where I think I got my smart’s. There were alot of very smart Barshevsky people in the family, many of who never even came to the USA. Some of them are still in Russia and other places I don’t even know about.

      My father knows some of them and he said he will someday take me back to the old country to meet long lost relation’s. Yay! I wonder if they look alot like we do? They say we all have double’s. Mine is probably Gwineth Paltrow (Yay–she’s so cute and a better tush), tho Jim keeps bringing up this Brit Ecklan.

      So don’t worry, your tan will not be there foreever! YAY!

    • anon

      In the future, know that a high SPF has nothing to do with how much you will tan. SPF protects against UVB rays–which cause burning–NOT UVA rays–which cause tanning, wrinkling, and skin cancer. Many high-SPF sunscreens have little to no UVA protection. So, when you are shopping for sunscreen, make sure you purchase suncreen that has UVA coverage in it (it will probably say “broad-spectrum” or something like that).

    • Erin

      I grew up in a very sunny place, but then went to college where there were real seasons (and thus less UV light exposure). It does take time, but tans usually do fade. Even tans that took YEARS to develop.

  30. Nonny

    I need help on menu planning for an upcoming dinner party, please.

    BF and I are having two friends and their two children over for dinner on Saturday night. Children are 6 and 8. No-one is vegetarian or has any particular allergies as far as I am aware. I am normally an adventurous cook and enjoy cooking Thai, Indian, etc. I also don’t really like cooking enormous slabs of meat (and frequently eat vegetarian by choice). I am having a terrible time planning the menu for this dinner because I am not used to cooking for children, and I don’t want to make a standard meat + 2 veg meal. I thought about making chili, but feel kind of blah about it. Any ideas for something fun and perhaps a bit unusual, that would make good dinner party food but that the children are likely to accept?

    Thanks…

    • long time lurker

      lasagna maybe? you could do one side veggie with spinach, mushrooms, fancier cheese. and the other side with meat and basic mozzarella. fun but perhaps not very unusual. good luck!

    • SunnyD

      Can you do one of your usual, great meals for the adults and order pizza (or frozen pizza) or make mac ‘n cheese for the kids? While that is making two separate meals, the kid meal would be easy.

      • Jennifer

        Don’t make a separate meal for the kids! Not unless you know for sure that they are super-picky eaters, I mean. I only control for spice and texture (no steak for toddlers, for ex) with kids. Otherwise, both my own kids and their kid-friends eat what the grown-ups eat. It’s not usually a problem.

        That said, my 4-year-olds all-time favorite dish is this Moroccan Beef Meatball tagine. I take it easy on the cayenne (maybe 1/4 tsp instead) and otherwise make it exactly as written, with the couscous. The ground beef is a great texture for little ones and the sweetness from the root veggies, spices, and raisins make it really friendly to young palates, which are more attracted to sweet than bitter.

        Good luck!

        http://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/2010/01/moroccan_beef_meatball_tagine

    • TBK

      Seems like a curry would be a natural choice. (Or is this something children “don’t” eat? I ate stuff like this as a child but it seems from ads I see that maybe some kids are picky?) I often do lasagne for a veg/non-veg crowd. This time of year a boeuf bourguignon with crusty bread could be good.

      • KLG

        Kids generally don’t like new foods. If their parents fix curry or often make them try new foods, they will eat it. If they tend to eat a regular rotation of meals, they will generally balk at things outside that rotation. (Note: this is a sweeping generalization).

    • [insert clever name here]

      Homemade mac & cheese + homemade soup + salad + homemade chocolate chip cookies.

      You’d be surprised how big a hit comfort food is with grown-ups. :-)

      Plus, you can always dress up the various items. Use a more interesting cheese blend for the Mac & Cheese or add cajun chicken for the adults. Do a fun twist with the soup – do a fun curry soup or black bean. A spring mix/spinach salad with candied walnuts, tomatoes and feta cheese is delicious and put the toppings separately so the kids don’t hvae to add what they don’t like.

      • [insert clever name here]

        Hint – Cavatappi noodles (the spiral ones) make the mac & cheese seem more hearty… and fun!

        • Lalo

          Ina Garten’s mac and cheese is amazing and there are recipes online making it with gnocchi. I’ve yet to try it, but I don’t really see how it can be bad.

          • SF Bay Associate

            Great idea, Lalo. I’ve made a LOT of Ina’s recipes. Every single one of them worked the first time, and I make a bunch of them over and over. They always come out great. Though I think what you meant to say is “how bad could that be?” ;). Along with “how easy is that?,” those are her two catchphrases.

          • Nonny

            Good thought. I will look at my Barefoot Contessa cookbook when I get home tonight for inspiration. Ina is great. Though suddenly I am thinking along the lines of lamb meatballs…

          • NOLA

            Not to be a party pooper, but lots of people either don’t like lamb or don’t eat it. I would eat it if it were served at a dinner party, but I generally don’t eat it. In fact, I was a guest at a dinner party where lamb chops were served and the hostess thought of it as a special treat and was imploring us to have more and we didn’t want to say that we don’t generally eat lamb.

          • Nonny

            See, this is my issue. What I consider “normal” in terms of food is not necessarily what other people might consider “normal”. I wouldn’t usually worry about it and would just make what I want. But with kids involved, I am really second-guessing myself. And I *do not* intend to make a completely different meal for the kids.

            Sigh.

          • Wordy

            My kids love lamb! And so do I. DH dislikes it, so we have it as a special treat when he is out of town. It is a hard flavor to work around if you don’t like it, though.

            I cook often from different Barefoot Contessa cookbooks and some of my kids/DH favorites are the Parmesan Chicken, Chicken Stew with Biscuits, and 5 Cheese Penne … I think much of her food is very kid friendly.

            All that said, if you have a main course that’s adult-friendly, and a side or two that are kid friendly (they can eat rice, any vegetable), maybe also have a small fruit salad or applesauce, and the kids will be totally fine. I wouldn’t go too far out of my way to make something special for them.

        • anon

          Anyone know where to buy cavatappi noodles in the DC area? Every store in Boston had them but none of the grocery stores here seem to (Giant, Safeway, Shoppers at least).

          • Silvercurls

            Try Rodman’s groceries (one in Wheaton area and one in Friendship Heights)?
            Not sure, but they have a lot of other international groceries.

      • rosie

        You can use butternut squash in the mac and cheese to make it more sophisticated, not sure the kids would notice (I tried Martha Stewart’s recipe just found by googling).

    • mamabear

      Anything pasta is a hit with most kids. You can leave a small portion plain if they don’t like your sauce. Most kids adore plain pasta with butter or oil and some parmesan.

      Even if you are cooking indian, the kids might just skip the main course. My kids love naan dipped in raita, and they like a mild tikka masala. The act of dipping the bread is the fun part for them.

    • NOLA

      Chili might be fun if you provide toppings (cheese, green onions, whatever else) and a variety or breads (corn muffins, whole grain bread). Or I’ve done a kind of build your own burrito or taco thing with grilled chicken, grilled mushrooms, brown rice, then lettuce, cheese, beans, pico de gallo, guacamole, etc. I would think kids would like something like that.

      Lasagna is great as well. I made Fabio Viviani’s lasagna for my birthday (bechamel rather than ricotta and fresh lasagna sheets cut to fit). It was the best lasagna I have ever had and pretty easy to make.

    • Lyssa

      I might consider spaghetti and meatballs, which is a favorite of mine, or a great braised chicken dish. But I don’t think that there’s anything at all wrong with cooking Thai or Indian. You can run it by the parents first, but a lot of kids much more open to new and interesting foods than you might think. Please don’t assume that just because they’re kids, they won’t eat anything but pizza or chicken nuggets!

      • Diana Barry

        Ditto. Just make whatever you want to make! If you have a side of some bread or noodle etc,. the kids may like that. But I made super spicy green beans the other day and the kids gobbled them up. :)

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      If the parents usually eat a wide variety of foods there’s a good chance the kids will as well. My little one is usually not a picky eater, but if you really want to have a safe backup I’d suggest making whatever you would normally serve if just the parents were coming over and maybe pick up a box or two of frozen mac n cheese if you really want to have something in case the kids don’t eat what you made.

    • Fiona

      What about taco night? You could make some interesting grilled chicken or beef filling, and a vegetarian filling (I like TJ’s soy chorizo cooked with diced potatoes), and then lettuce, tomatoes, roasted peppers, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, hot sauce, etc. The kids can fill theirs however they like but it will still be interesting for the adults. That, plus margaritas.

    • CKB

      I would ask your friends how adventurous their children are. Some kids will eat and/or try anything, some are very pick (I have an adventurous eater, a picky eater, and one that falls in between).

      • AIMS

        This is what I would do. When I have kids come over, I just call the parents and ask what the kids like to eat.

        • Nonny

          Have just sent out the bat signal to BF and asked him to find out. These friends are more his friends than mine, which is part of the issue – I haven’t spent enough time with them yet to be really familiar with their preferences….

      • Meg Murry

        I would agree with this if you would be worried/anxious about the kids not eating your food. My son is generally a decent eater, but he doesn’t do well with things that he’s only ever had one way if you make a variation on it. It also matters to him what you call it. Offer him pad thai, lo mein – nope, won’t consider it. Offer “chinese noodles” – gobbles them right up. So I’d suggest giving the parents a call. Or if you don’t want to cater to the kids, just say “hey, I’m making A, B, and C – any allergies or concerns with those dishes?” and if the parents know their kid won’t eat those things they’ll either let you know or bring the picky one a PB&J.

      • Coalea

        I wholeheartedly second this recommendation! I am extremely picky at age 33; as a child, I was 1000 times worse (i.e., basically every suggestion that has been made in this thread is something I would not have eaten, including plain pasta).

  31. applesandcheddar

    If I want to rent a car and do not have car insurance (because I don’t own a car), do I need to buy the rental company’s car insurance? Or does the car insurance with my credit card cover it? I’ve tried looking this up, but I keep finding conflicting information.

    Also, I’m not a good driver, so this may be important!!

    • NYNY

      The coverage on your credit card is good for damage to the rental – I once used it when a rock hit the windshield of a rental. But for liability, you need alternative coverage. Do you have liability coverage as part of homeowners/renters insurance?

      • applesandcheddar

        Thanks – I’ll look into what my renter’s insurance covers. I didn’t even think of that!

    • AIMS

      You have a standard policy with your rental car that cover some things and when you rent you have the additional option of buying additional coverage for like $10/day or something.

    • JessC

      The rental car company will have insurance they can sell you. I normally rent (frequent renter here) with Enterprise and they have “full” coverage and a damage waiver. The damage waiver covers any damage to the vehicle and the full coverage includes liability. Talk to the rental car company about what options they offer. You’ll probably be looking at $10-$20 extra per day.

      • applesandcheddar

        Thanks! This is really helpful. I’ve been carless for 5 years and have never rented, so this is all pretty new to me.

  32. Bonnie

    Migraine day 2. I can usually stop migraines before they set in but this one snuck by me and I have not been able to get it to go away. A combination of caffeine and Excedrin generally stops them. It’s fairly mild but I can’t get any work done with the light sensitivity. I think the dry air triggered it so have humidifiers on at home. Any suggestions before I break out the heavy drugs?

    • mamabear

      2 Aleve and a full sugar coca cola? Otherwise, go home and sleep it off.

    • Maine Associate

      I am so sorry. Although drugs are best for me, hear are a couple of things that sometimes help my mild migraines (not all at once-one at a time): several minutes of deep breaths with my eyes shut; chocolate milk with tylenol and peanut butter crackers; or grilled cheese sandwich with a caffienated soda. Good luck!

      • anon

        But note that for some, chocolate can be a migraine trigger. Chocolate milk would most definitely make my migraine worse.

        Sorry OP, once I get one, I really have to sleep it off to get rid of it.

      • Bunkster

        Peanut butter is actually one of my triggers. I sometimes eat mint m&ms or peppermint patties.

    • Almost There

      I put a heating pad or some heat source on the base of my neck, I think it helps un-constrict the supposedly constricted blood vessels (don’t know the science, but it works because I believe it works). Hope you feel better.

    • style advice needed...

      Hydrate hydrate hydrate. Try Tylenol now if you already tried Exedrine. Try to take a short nap. Make sure you eat. Always keep a pair of blue blocker sunglasses at work in case the terrible lighting is irritating.

      Otherwise, the longer you wait with migraines, the harder it is to break with meds. Better to hit a migraine early with a big gun if you are starting to have more long headaches like this. But since it sounds mild (but annoying…) I understand your inclination for waiting.

      Then again, imitrex is probably a safer drug then the aspirin in Excedrine! Especially if you are taking frequent Exedrine….

      • DC Jenny

        Note, Exedrine contains Tylenol. Doubling up could be harmful to your liver.

      • Ouchy

        Also, Tylenol is essentially USELESS as a pain reliever. Or is that just me?
        I like Anacin instead of Excedrin. It has the same aspirin & caffeine without the acetaminophen (Tylenol), which is much easier on your liver (assuming your stomach can tolerate aspirin).

    • LR

      Make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. That’s my main migraine trigger. I do Excedrin and a Coke if I want to avoid taking my sumatriptan, but sometimes I have to cave. I combine the generic sumatriptan with naproxen at my doctor’s recommendation – DIY Treximet.

    • Bonnie

      Thanks all for the suggestions. I hate being knocked out by meds but it may be time. This sucker is just getting worse.

      • Ouchy

        A lot of the current migraine meds, the triptans, don’t have the knock-out side effects of some otherprescriptions. Have you tried these?
        If they work for you, they’re life-changing. But different ones work better for different people. I tried at least three before Relpax, which changed my life. One pill, wait an excruciating hour, and then, wow, gone. Amerge, on the other hand, did nothing for me, and Imitrex and Maxalt were pretty good, not great for me.

  33. Research, Not Law

    Ladies with relatively thicker legs: What trends are you following now?

    I’m fairly small (6P), but have stocky legs all the way to my large ankles. It’s not a part of my body that I try to highlight, but I feel like all the current trends (skinny jeans, colored pants, leggings, booties, etc) are reliant on a nice pair of legs. My wardrobe is feeling dated, but I don’t know what to do. What else is out there that I’m not thinking about?

    • AIMS

      Maxi skirts are very in right now and that’s something that can work on many body types.

      You can also focus on colors (oxblood or super dark green, for instance) or colorblocking (dark bottoms + bright top), florals, scarves, jewelry, a bright blazer, etc. I think silhoutte is actually the least of it.

    • NYNY

      I’m pretty pear-shaped, and have big calves from years of dancing, so I skip the skinny jeans/leggings thing. I did get a pair of Levi’s Curve ID jeans in a “skinny boot” style. They’re fitted (but stretchy!) from the thigh through the mid-calf, but flare out a little at the bottom instead of tapering in and making me look like a sausage or exclamation point.

      In general, I go less for trends and more for figure flattery, though. Wear what you look good in, not what everyone is wearing.

    • In the Pink

      Wide legged pants and then the popular booties? I don’t have your body type, but I am loving the wider-the-better slacks out there now. Wish there were more.

    • Research, Not Law

      AIMS: Thank you, all extremely helpful suggestions!

      NYNY: Sounds like we have similar legs. I’ll look into those jeans! I also tend to dress for my body type rather than trends, but I’m surfacing from spending the last few years in cycles of maternity clothes and feeling *completely* out of step with the current styles.

      In The Pink: Will have to look for these wide leg pants! Sounds ideal. My body type: pear with large cup size and lingering pregnancy pouch. My husband loving refers to it as African fertility statue.

    • Sylvia

      If I may say so, I do not agree that “nice” legs (as defined by our wonderful society’s standards, I guess…) are a necessary prerequisite to wearing skinny/colored pants. :)

      I have what I would deem “nice” legs that include some muscular parts (he he, that sounds funny) and have for years worn pretty much only straight, cigarette, or skinny styles of pants, just because of my personal comfort and preference. Um, I usually wear the skinny pants and waist-length shirt because this might emphasize my small waist, but there it is… I think that “thicker” legs still look good in slim pants.

      • Sylvia

        Although, I should add that the one time I went into an actual Topshop store and tried on some pants, it was a very strange experience to be unable to pull them up over my …. runnin’ calves. (and I wear a 25-6 in J. Brand). It was crazy!

  34. De

    This afternoon I went to our buidling’s cafeteria to grab lunch, and while waiting for my friend to pay, I looked around at all the full tables…all full of dudes. There were literally no girls in sight. It made me think about how I appreciate this site :) That is all.

    • karenpadi

      Sorry–it stinks to be the only woman. I know we are all supposed to be post-feminist about it but that doesn’t mean being surrounded by men isn’t alienating.

      I had a similar experience today looking through the new employee directory. Male–>attorney; female–>support staff. I am lucky. In our satellite office, we have 7(!) female attorneys (I was #2). But in the main office (4x bigger), they have 4. Yes, 4. That makes me sad.

  35. Anon

    I’ve been feeling kind of unhappy about my marriage lately and am trying to figure out why. I can be direct to the point of brusqueness and have pretty thick skin, so using the Golden Rule to figure out how to treat people isn’t always helpful to me. What seems like completely fine behavior to me hurts other people’s feelings, including my husband’s. I feel like we frequently have interactions where he seems (to me) to get upset out of the blue and I feel completely blindsided and bewildered by his reaction. He rarely tells me right away why he’s upset and instead there’s a chill that settles over everything. It often takes me another few minutes to realize the chill has crept in, and then I’m left wondering (1) at what moment the chill arrived (2) whether it’s actually a chill or just a break in the conversation (3) if it was something I did, what it was that I did and (4) why what I did was hurtful. The result is that I start asking a lot of questions. “Are you upset? Are you upset with me? Why are you upset with me? Was it that I said X or was it Y? Was it how I said X? Yesterday, you said something like X to me — do you think what I just said was different from what you said yesterday? In what way?” These questions often make him more angry because he feels like I’m grilling him/challenging his right to feel hurt. I see it as just trying to figure out what I did, why it was hurtful, and how to not do it again in the future. I also feel like he just clams up, leaving me to guess at why, or even whether he’s upset. Sometimes he also gets upset about something I did or did not do — for example, he might be upset that I spent a Saturday afternoon with friends instead of with him. It might be that he’s completely justified — maybe it turns out that this is the fourth Saturday in a row we’ve spent apart, but because they were all for different reasons (work, travel, family obligations) it didn’t occur to me that we should spend that Saturday together until he points it out. But he doesn’t point it out in advance. If he said “instead of going out with your friends, how about if we do something together instead — we haven’t seen each other much lately,” I’d cancel my plans with friends immediately and feel like of course we should spend time together and how happy I am to have a husband like him. Instead, he’ll say “sure” if I ask if he’s okay with me going out with friends, but the next day he’ll be upset. Then we’ll have the long, drawn out “are you upset” conversation. He wants me to want to spend time with him — and I do! But I need him to tell me what he needs. When I’ve asked him to do this, he says he shouldn’t have to, or that he doesn’t want to feel like he needs to beg me to be with him. A lot of this comes out of the fact that, shortly before we got engaged, I broke up with him. Looking back, I’m still not sure why I did except that I panicked about how serious our relationship was getting. There were other issues, but I think a lot of those issues were more about things like political disagreements or just those little differences that every relationship has. Since my parents divorced when I was very young, and most of my family is divorced, I never had a sense of what a good relationship looks like and so thought any conflict meant the relationship should end. I think the break up came out of nowhere for him. Instead of getting angry, he just told me very simply that he loved me, that even if we were breaking up he was glad he had known me, and that if he thought begging would keep me, he’d do it but that he respected me enough to know that I knew my own mind and that if what I wanted was to end the relationship, he would respect that. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It was so vulnerable and so simple and yet so dignified and elegant. That was the moment that made me realize that breaking up would be the biggest mistake I’d ever made and that this was a man with integrity, self-respect, and thoughtfulness. I married him in large part because of that moment. And for the most part, that’s exactly the person I got and why I love him so much. But the way he sees that moment is that he was weak and groveled to me and that I deigned to take him back. He now feels he can’t show weakness to me in our relationship because our relationship is already unbalanced and that just unbalances it further. We’ve had a number of fights in the last few weeks because of this. I feel like this situation is untenable. I actually feel like the relationship IS unbalanced, but in the opposite direction. I feel like I’m always reaching out for affirmation from him and often not getting it. I believe he loves me, but oftentimes I feel like I’m an annoyance to him. I feel like every fifth move I make or conversation we have results in me doing or saying something that makes him feel like I don’t respect him. He said recently that he worried he’d lost the woman he married because he married a strong, outspoken woman who didn’t take s—t from anyone, and I wasn’t like that with him anymore and he worried he’d broken my spirit. I feel a little like he has.

    I’m sorry this is so long. Written out, it seems so painful and sad. Like all relationships, most of the time isn’t like this. But these interactions just seem like we’re both hurting each other and only because we each feel so vulnerable and want so much to feel loved by the other person. I don’t really worry about our relationship in the long run. We talk about these things a lot and talk about what we can do to make things work, but I worry about how much we’re running into a brick wall.

    • violet

      I think both of you should read The Five Love Languages. It walks through how different people see love. It tells you how you can recognize your partner’s love language and ways to express it to your partner. Looks like his may be quality time – which means it is important that you want to (i.e. initiate) quality time with him. I hope it is helpful, and I’m sorry for what you are going through!

      p.s. you may want to repost this on the coffee break thread since it is so late in the afternoon.

    • Anne Shirley

      Couples therapy. The best choice when you love each other but you’re stuck in a communication pattern that isn’t working.

      • LadyEnginerd

        +1 to the couples therapy. I’d rather start with the therapy and downgrade to self-help books instead of vice versa. A therapist probably has experience with people who are “emotionally nearsighted” (great way to put it mpls) and might have specific strategies that would be helpful for you and your husband.

        One specific tip: when someone is important to me, I put recurring reminders on my calendar to do something to show them I care. Sure, it’s more cold than me just spontaneously thinking of them, but that’s how I show I care – by planning ahead to compensate for my forgetfulness.

        • Merabella

          I really like this idea of putting reminders in your calendar to do something for people you care about. This could even be a “you should call x today” reminder.

    • TO Lawyer

      It seems to me you both want to be with each other but you’re just not communicating effectively. And you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt because I’m not married, but here are my two cents.

      First, I’m very much like your husband. I need a lot more attention and when I don’t get it, I act slightly passive-aggressive (i.e. my SO can tell and has to ask me why I’m upset). What I have started to realize is that I’m an adult with a fair degree of control over the situation. So instead of getting upset that he wants to do X instead of spend time with me, I tell him that it’s very important to me and he needs to do A, B and C to make me happy.

      To be honest, sometimes I don’t like telling him exactly what I need and what I want him to do. I would love if he was the type of guy to realize what I need and do it but he’s not. And it’s ok – people are not mind readers and it’s unrealistic to think your partner knows exactly what you need.

      I think you need to be more conscious of patterns i.e. we haven’t spent a Saturday together in 3 weeks, should definitely spend this next one together, but he also needs to communicate what he wants. If you spending the day with friends is going to bother him because he misses you, he needs to say so.

      And maybe I’m off base here, but your husband may have some insecurity about the relationship, especially since you broke up with him once before. Judging from the ancedote you posted, it seems like he gets upset when he misses you and feels like you don’t feel the same way (or aren’t showing it). Is there a way of showing him that you’re in it 100% and just having communication problems? On this note, I second the recommendation for the 5 Love Languages Book. Maybe if he sees that you feel the same way about him, and are committed to him, he will be less passive-aggressive about the way he feels.

      Hope that helps!

  36. Mpls

    “I need him to tell me what he needs” – This, IMO, is totally valid. You are not a mind reader, and he is a grown up with words (as opposed to a baby/toddler that needs you to read them). Yes, you do get to know a person, and become a bit of mind reader in a sense, but that doesn’t absolve the other person from articulating their needs (just in case you misread the situation). Have you ever had a discussion with him at a non-inflammatory time about your emotional nearsighted-ness (for lack of a better word), and what his problems/thoughts/solutions are for that? And if it’s helpful, can schedule those sort of check in talks – not in the sense where you make a production of sitting down together, but a reminder to yourself to ask SO how he’s doing and talk about the two of you.

    If he wants to do stuff one on one with you, he can take charge of making plans as well, and getting them on the schedule. If he’s not putting his bid in for your time, then he’s getting what he’s asking for. That being said – can you designated one weekend of the month, or every 4 weeks or something, as couple time? And take turns planning what to do with that time – it is not your solo burden to make sure that you guys get couple time – he’s part of the relationship as well, so he needs to do some of the lifting. And explicitly tell him that if he’s feeling left out that he needs to speak up – you love him, and love spending time with him, but you are also going to treat him like a grown up that knows he is important in your life.

    So…those are my thoughts. Hugs and luck to you.

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