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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m always on the hunt for sheath dresses that make getting dressed in the morning a snap. This ruched,
purple number from Miusol would be a great wardrobe addition for the fall and winter seasons.
I would wear it with a dark blazer and a station necklace for a classic office look.
The dress is $33.99 at Amazon and comes in sizes S–XXL. It also comes in 11 other colors.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
Heading to Austin in a few weeks. Staying on South Congress. Any recs for things to do while there? Want to avoid indoor dining and activities.
Also, the temps seem to swing pretty far from day to night. Is a denim jacket enough? Are jeans practical? I haven’t traveled in 1.5 years and feel like I’ve forgotten how to pack.
Pep
Two outdoor activities we enjoyed on our Austin trip were renting bicycles and riding around Lady Bird Lake, and going to see the bats fly out from under the Congress Avenue Bridge.
Cornellian
I’d expect ~85 and sunny during the day and ~55 at night but you’re right that it could be 95 and 45. I think a denim jacket is probably enough. Maybe a scarf?
From South Congress I would for sure walk up to the river, you can do basically any length loop, and the largest is about 10.5 miles. I’d either add Barton Springs on to that loop or take a separate trip, it’s really amazing. I’d try to go on a weekday if you can. I think it’s like 5 bucks for non residents?
If you have a car and it’s in the 85-90 range, consider floating one of the spring fed rivers. The most accessible float is run by the Lions Club in San Marcos, probably a 25 minute drive south for you. It’s very very pretty. There are longer/more rugged trips, but that’s the easiest. You can bring drinks including alcohol so long as it’s in cans. You reserve online.
Anon
Zilker Park and the Umlauf Sculpture Garden are both great. There’s also Laguna Gloria. The museum itself is inside, but the grounds are beautiful. You could also check out Barton Springs if it’s warm enough and the Barton Creek Greenbelt for biking.
Audreycat
Austin native here. Make sure you aren’t going during ACL unless you’re prepared to deal with massive crowds of Californians, terrible traffic, expensive Ubers, and overwhelmed cell towers (oct 1-10). It chokes the whole city and honestly I avoid central Austin during the festival. Unless that’s why you’re coming, in which case make all your dining reservations right now, bring all the sunscreen, and shoes you can walk a 10k in. Pack for 30 degree temp swings in fall, and bring an umbrella and rain boots even if it looks sunny. Know the difference between a roach coach and a food trailer. The homeless people camping under the underpasses are numerous but harmless. Salt lick bbq is a must in my book. Go to Esther’s Follies. Hit up Dirty Sixth and relive your college days. Walk up Mt Bonnell or eat at Hula Hut. Go get you a scooter or a Segway and cruise around downtown and go shopping— yea you look like a dumb tourist but you are one and it’s fun. The domain is nice if you like a more curated feel and luxury shopping, although if that’s your vibe Dallas is better. Go see a Verdes game or a UT one. You’re too late for the bats, but you can see peacocks at Mayfield park.
Anonymous
I almost ran over the peacocks on my commute a couple of times (they’re bold suckers). I had forgotten about them. Thanks for the memory. OP, you might enjoy Peter Pan mini golf: it’s outdoors and BYOB. I think jeans should be fine but I’m a TX native so I wear jeans when it’s 90.
anon
+1 for Esthers Follies and Hula Hut!
Anon
Boycott Texas!!
The boycott of NC was successful. I’m not sure why the idea of boycotting TX hasn’t picked up steam, but I’m not giving TX one cent of my $ if I can avoid it.
Audreycat
Honestly we need people to move here and vote. If you really care about the women of Texas, come join us in voting out the crazies.
Ellen
Yay! Fruegal Friday! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this great buy! What a beautiful sheathe dress! I also totaly love the color, Elizabeth! Great pick!
I had a great mediation yesterday with a claimant that had an injury when he slipped on a wet spot at work. The cleint wanted to settle b/c the guy was very popular with the local shoppers, so I was told to settle w/o delay. What I did was to be very charming and the guy was kind of gaga over me, which doesn’t happen that much any more. We were wearing masks so he could not see my face, but I think that only made him more interested in me, beleive it or not. So when I called out for Lynn to bring in the coffee and bagels, we took off our masks to eat. I put out a number that was on the higher end of what the cleint had authorized, and they took it w/o any haggeling. I was happy for him, but if we had not come to an agreement, I would have been able to bill more hours. I guess that does not matter, b/c I am so far over my monthly required billeings for September that the manageing partner said that if I wanted to I can take the rest of the month off with pay and I may do so. YAY!!!!!
Anon for this
Any cross-country skiing readers? We got into it a few years ago and trying to pick a winter getaway spot.
Goals: either direct flight from Philly + a reasonable (2 hour or so) drive, OR no more than a 6-7 hour drive from Philly. Reliable snow. And a house or condo where we have our own hot tub.
We’ve been to:
– the hills near Mt Tremblant (flew into Montreal) – first time trying it after downhill skiing was too tough on the knees, and loved it, but as newbies didn’t fully explore the available trails. Worth going back? (Flights to Montreal are expensive, though, and the drive time is a few hours longer than our range.)
– suburban Ottawa (had a great time despite being newbies in a field of Canadians who use it for exercise daily; we’re better skiers now, but the nonstop flight is gone)
– Lake Placid (loved it, but we got lucky with lots of fresh snowfall that year and know that’s not always the case)
– Granby area CO (had such an awesome experience with 3-4 trails within a half hour drive that we duplicated the trip the following year, but want to try somewhere new)
Eyeing Stowe, but hesitant just because winter snowfall has been so unpredictable and, with xc, there’s no “just make some snow” fallback like downhill does.
Suggestions?
Anon
Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe is amazing. Would highly suggest.
Anon
+1 to Trapp Family Lodge unless your trip will be early winter. I can’t recall a recent winter when Trapp didn’t have nice snow from mid-January – March.
Anonymous
If you’ve only ever been to suburban Ottawa and not Gatineau park you’re missing out. I’m Canadian with lots of friends and family who are really into cross country skiing, Gatineau Park is the favourite of most of them.
Anon for this
Oh so Gatineau is exactly where we were – apologies if that’s not truly suburban Ottawa. (It felt like it based on the quick drive to downtown!) We’d be glad to go back when nonstop flights are available again.
Anonymous
Just for future reference it’s a federal park in a different province, although close to Ottawa it’s distinct.
K
Breton Woods in NH has groomed trails. We had an amazing trip to the AMC’s Maine lodges a few years ago – hut to hut skiing with private cabins (no hot tubs, bit rustic but not roughing it). I think that northern New England will more reliably have snow in February/March. Don’t know if there are direct flights from Philly to Portland.
Trixie
Utah! Snow is fabulous and dependable, quick drives from the airport, no other suggestions but it will meet all your criteria.
Anon for this
OP here – thanks all :)
anon
How do you decide on what the threshold is for having someone junior to you do a task that’s definitely not perfect or how you would have done it, but good enough to let them do it and let go? I’m a new partner (consulting not law) and this is something I’m trying to be intentional about since I can’t and shouldn’t do everything myself, and I shouldn’t push people to do everything exactly the way I would have done it. In a lot of cases it’s obvious to me when to push vs let go, but I’m just not sure where the threshold should be. How do others think through this?
Anonymous
It’s my job to help them make it better.
No Problem
I think you delegate whenever you can trust someone to do a good enough job on something and have time to review their work and provide feedback, such that the total cost to the client is the same or less than what it would be if you did it yourself. I’m assuming your hourly rate as a partner is sky high, so this shouldn’t be a particularly high bar in a lot of cases. You have to trust that you have hired good people who can do what’s assigned to them, and that they will ask for additional direction if they need it. For all you know, someone else may do something a different way that winds up being more accurate or faster than you would have done it.
You also delegate to others who have developed (or are working on developing) expertise in something that already or will soon outstrip your own skills. For example, I have a skillset as an editor, so that’s what I did as a junior on a lot of projects. Now that I’m more senior I don’t have time to do it myself. But I will delegate to someone on my team who can do it “good enough” with the instructions and tools I provide, and then I can spot check their work before it goes to the client and provide some feedback to that junior person on anything I found or suggestions for what to do differently next time if I saw some deficiencies or it took far longer than anticipated.
I certainly hope this is not the first time (being a partner!) that you’re delegating work. Spoken as someone in consulting.
anon OP
No it’s not. And I’m not a micromanager either, just a calibration thing
Anonymous
I struggle with this too. Sometimes the perfect is the enemy of the good. And what even is perfect anyway? Often, there are multiple equally good ways of getting the job done, and you’re not doing anyone (including yourself) any favors by insisting that it must be done your way. Otoh, sometimes there is a legit reason that your way is best, so you can take the opportunity to explain it to them.
For example, I’m super particular about electronic file maintenance. Are there lots of ways to maintain electronic files? Absolutely. Are they all equally good? Yeah probably. Do I insist that my matters are organized the way I like it and follow my file naming conventions? Also yes, because if everyone on the team is saving things in different places and naming things inconsistently, no one can find anything. It’s kinda like traffic lights, the choice of red, green, yellow is arbitrary but you can’t have some town decide they like purple, blue, and magenta better, it would be chaos.
Anon
I am cut from this cloth. Good patterns make things easy to find electronically and more searchable. “Find the X deal” should not be a 3-hour project.
anon
Fun fact–Red, yellow, and green isn’t arbitrary in stoplights. It’s about the light’s wavelength and the driver’s ability to see each from a distance.
Anonymous
I love this. Seriously, this is why I love this site. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard something here and then did a little more reading and feel like I’ve come away just a tad bit smarter (or more fun for small talk).
Ses
+1
TCF
I think about what are purely stylistic edits (and try to let those go) versus substantive or logical edits. E.g., the ultimate letter is coming from me so I will make edits so it sounds more like my voice. Or the client prefers we do something X way and junior did it Y way. Or we name files using ABC convention because it makes them easier to find so junior just needs to do that. I find giving lots of templates and samples of prior, acceptable work product is a good start, and I’m pretty hands on about reviewing junior work when I initially start delegating to a new person. Eventually we get to a point where I give it a quick review or none at all because we’ve built up an understanding and trust over time.
roxie
I try to include context as part of my decisionmaking on this. Is it a relatively quiet time? Or are folks really stressed and busy, and this isn’t the time to weigh in on optional feedback (vs if the impact to the project would be harmed if I didn’t provide feedback or changes)?
eertmeert
I have a theory about this: there are 3 buckets of mistakes:
1. Stylistic – Partner X does things differently than Partner Y
2. Wasn’t Informed – the info didn’t make it to the preparer, so their work was incomplete
3. Error – the preparer made an error – (A) either unintentional due to lack of knowledge, or (B) as part of a pattern of similar mistakes they were previously made aware of.
1 and 3 are the mistakes I would address as need to see corrected going forward, with additional comments for 3(B) stressing the need to avoid these errors in the future because there is a pattern established.
Anonymous
I feel like you would need to size up and also wear shapewear to make this work appropriate. The jersey looks pretty thin. I have a similar one from Lauren Ralph Lauren that is lined that I love though! Goes with everything and doesn’t wrinkle in a suitcase for business trips.
LaurenB
Can we talk about “how cheap is too cheap”? I bought an ASOS dress that looked lovely in the picture, was about $40-50, and when I got it, it was just such a cheaply made material that I was really disappointed. What is the sweet spot of – it’s a good deal and will look decent versus it’s inexpensive for a reason? Has anyone had experience with ASOS? I had never heard of it.
Cat
They’re basically a competitor to H&M, so some surprise hits, a lot of cheap synthetics.
Anon
I don’t buy a ton of the “no name brand” clothes on Amazon, but recently did a closet clean-out and realized that everything I’d bought from Amazon in the last 2-3 years was in the cleanout bag. Usually because I didn’t like the fabric. The cut of things was usually fine but the fabrics were clingy, or itchy, or pilled too easily, etc. Made me realize I should probably stay away from buying stuff like that on Amazon again in the future.
If folks want a dress like this, like you, I highly recommend the Lauren Ralph Lauren or Chaps brand dresses that are out there that look almost identical – they’re more expensive but the fabrics are substantial and they’re lined with a similar-fabric liner that hides lumps and bumps. I have had some of those dresses for years and would never donate them. I think Kohls carries the Chaps dresses and Dillard’s online used to carry the Lauren Ralph Lauren brand.
A
And if you’re Canadian, The Bay has a few of these
I have a navy one, ruched with small ivory flowers and I wear it when I don’t know the dress code for hubs work events (day time, obviously not black tie)
Integrative medicine experience
Anyone ever worked with an integrative medicine doctor? I am curious to hear about your experience. I am in the DC area, 30s, and have Hashimotos (hypothyroidism). Seems expensive because most are not in-network, and I wonder if the cost is worth it.
Anon
If you find a high quality one, sure! I also have hashimotos and have found them be helpful. Definitely must be willing to make lifestyle changes though since that’s their area of expertise. If you’re not willing to make diet/lifestyle changes then probably not worth the money since those are common areas changes are recommended in.
Anon
I have mixed feelings about this, but my observation so far is that the best specialists I’ve seen (superstars at destination hospitals) are actually a lot like the best integrative/functional MD/DOs I’ve seen when it comes to treatment (vs. understanding/expertise), but the latter are more accessible. I think Hashimoto’s in particular can really benefit from some less often recommended approaches (I do combination therapy and LDN and GF diet and feel worlds better). I take a lot of what the integrative doctors say with a grain of salt though; I think they can be better “what helps” than they are on “why it helps”? Meanwhile, a lot of random primary care doctors and endos I saw along the way were a lot less helpful when I was having flare ups or when my dose wasn’t correct.
Anonymous
Be careful. Check credentials of the integrative doctor very carefully. A tale of caution to share: My husband has a rare medical condition. When he first became ill and had not been correctly diagnosed, he was seeing an integrative medicine doctor who recommended dietary changes, acupuncture, etc- my husband got sicker and sicker before finally being taken to the ER by ambulance, followed by two weeks in ICU. He nearly died. He now sees a specialist a major teaching hospital quite a distance away from where we live. Had he been diagnosed correctly early on by the integrative doctor, or had the integrative doc admitted that my husband needed care other than what he was getting, and been referred to someone else, my husband would not have the degree of chronic medical problems that he now has to deal with for the rest of his life. The integrative doc was convinced that every ailment could be treated with diet and holistic care which IMHO is just not true for every illness (exhibit A: My husband). I have suggested suing this guy for malpractice but my husband just wants to move on. I’m sure there are good integrative medicine doctors out there, but I will personally never go to one after this experience. Nor would my husband ever go back to one.
Agurk
I had a similar experience with a rheumatologist – I really truly believe it is more about the individual than the specialist. I like doctors who admit they don’t know everything and refer out frequently when needed.
Agurk
I mean “than the specialty” not “specialist”
Anon
I still feel different about a specialist missing my condition than a complementary provider. The latter I don’t expect to be diagnosticians; I just expect them to help me optimize my baseline health and finetune treatment for the diagnoses I already have to improve my quality of life.
test run
I also have hashimotos and went to one a few years ago after my PCP/endocrinologist were extremely unhelpful in figuring out why my thyroid levels kept fluctuating and I felt miserable. She was able to finally figure out a good med/dosage for me, which was amazing. But once everything stabilized, I found it less helpful – as another poster had mentioned, she was really pushing me to make significant dietary changes (gluten free, dairy free – even though elimination diets of both did not indicate a sensitivity to either) and lose weight, even though I’m already on the low end of the BMI range for my height (said with full understanding that BMI is useless). She also wanted me to take a TON of vitamins, costing hundreds of dollars each month (ordered through her), which made me uncomfortable. Ultimately, it just felt like we had different goals for my health – I got the sense that a lot of her patients were either college athletes or stay at home moms in high income brackets who had lots of time/cash to spend ensuring they were triathlon ready at all times – so I went back to a traditional PCP who continues to prescribe the thyroid meds she put me on. I do think I’d try an integrative medicine doctor again, because ultimately it was worth it to get that fixed, but if you’re not ready to go down the full rabbit hole, just be prepared to really maintain your boundaries.
anon
Ha, do you live in ATL? The SAHM/triathlon crowd is a REAL THING here.
Agurk
Like any doctors, good integrative/functional doctors are great and bad ones aren’t. I’ve been through everything from acupuncture to the Mayo clinic for my several autoimmune diseases, and integrative doctors helped much more than allopathic doctors. But you absolutely have to be willing to make lifestyle changes. Also look for someone who isn’t pushing too many supplements. Where are you? Perhaps this board can make a recommendation.
OP
OP here. Thanks the responses thus far. I am in the DC area.
Anon
Agree with others about checking credentials. There’s helpful free online information from doctors like Dr Isabella Wentz (that my doctor suggested). Avoid anyone who sells their own supplements. Iherb is much better for things like that. The autoimmune paleo diet worked wonders for my Hashimotos, despite my reluctance.
Definitely try wholistic doctors but make sure you get copies of all your test results so you can look up what they mean and take them to other doctors.
Anonymous
Does anyone know of a decent online landscape design service? Like Modsey but for planting beds.
Or another resource? It’s slightly too big an area just to bring to my local garden center but not so much that I want to spend $$$ on a full blown landscape architect. I want to do the install myself so my local landscape companies aren’t really interested- they generally only do design work in conjunction with install.
Massachusetts if it matters.
Anon
In my area (DC), there was a garden store that would charge $X to come out and do a consult on an area and give you a sketch and list of plants. They care about soil, light, and know the plants that do well with that locally. Then the $X would be a credit towards purchase (and installation was Y% on top of the price, so you could add in as much or little as you wanted). I found it totally invaluable and did it several times (like 4) as I went along with my DIY yard.
Anon
Oooo what store?
Anon
Merrifield Garden Center
Anonymous
My mother is a landscape architect that worked at a small nursery and would do whole yards. Your project really might not be too big for the garden center!
Anon
Yes, Yardzen is the same concept but for exteriors
Saguaro
Have you or, anyone here used Yardzen? Would you recommend?
Anonymous
Hmm They advertise to me all the time. I don’t need an exterior make over, just someone to help me plant a 3 season bed.
Anon4this
Are there any psychologists here? Or people who have seen one and have a reference point? I am opening a small part time private practice in an expensive burb in the northeast and trying to figure out my hourly fee. It seems like it ranges anywhere from 200-600(!) in my area. I am only planning to take 4-8 clients, not taking insurance (because so few clients). I have good training in most of the evidenced based treatments (DBT, CBT, exposure therapy) and do couples therapy – and have a full-time tenure-track job at a top 100 university in the area if that would change the fee. I want to get it right from the beginning so that I don’t have to worry about changing it later and keeping track of what clients are paying what fee.
Anon
I mean, regardless of what you charge to start, you’ll almost certainly want to raise your rates over time. The cost of everything goes up and the cost of skilled professionals like you rises faster than, say, groceries.
Anonymous
Do you have a professional association or know other professors who do this to ask? What is the point of doing this? Do you just genuinely like it? Do you want to provide a service? Are you trying to keep clinically current? Are you looking to bring home the bacon?
OP
Yes – all the professors at my university do this, but they practice in a different geographic area (most of them live in the big city where my university is at; I live in the burbs) and maybe it’s just me but I don’t feel like I know them well enough to ask their fee (I started my job during the pandemic).
And as far as to why; it’s all the above -I want to keep my clinical skills current, I miss it, I feel like I have good training and want to use it to help others, to inform my research (I do treatment research), and the extra bit of cash doesn’t hurt.
Anonymous
Oh definitely ask!! “Hey Sarah, thinking of starting up a clinical practice near my house. Would you mind sharing how you developed your rates?” In all likelihood they will just tell you their rates but the wording leaves it open.
Anon
Definitely ask them, it’s not weird at all even if you don’t knew them well.
Anonymous
I am confused as to why a change in your rate wouldn’t apply across the board to all clients.
FWIW, in my related field people have different rates for regular client work and expert witness work. 600/hr is an expert witness rate.
Anon
The few psychologists I have worked with do not take insurance, although they work full-time; the paperwork is a nightmare and it wrecks their rate structure. They will happily give you the bills so you can submit yourself as an out-of-network patient.
anon
My current therapist, an LCSW, charges $250. In the Greenwich, CT area.
Katherine Vigneras
Same in metro DC.
Brunette Elle Woods
My therapist in NYC also charged $250 but I can often get a portion reimbursed through insurance
OP
Thanks! This is super helpful.
Senior Attorney
Why wouldn’t you charge (at least towards) the high end of the range? Sounds like you have tiptop credentials and there are clients out there who will pay it. And I agree, it’s fine not to take insurance but you should provide a “superbill” so the clients can submit it on their own if they choose.
Anon
I’m in a VHCOL and have found most therapists are just under $200 for 50 minutes, none take insurance.
Monday
I hate how few solo clinicians take insurance (let alone Medicaid), and it’s one reason I plan to keep working at agencies or hospitals for my whole career. You need a bureaucracy to handle another bureaucracy, or else you just don’t ever see anyone who can’t pay out of pocket. This is a side comment, not targeting OP.
Anon
I feel that. I have had to pay out of pocket for my own and my kids’ behavioral and mental health care (one kid with ADHD and one with anxiety) which makes me think this stuff is reserved only for the wealthy.
Anonymous
You should definitely adjust your rates over time, and also have different rates for different services (see expert witness comment). Since you are taking so few clients, I think you can charge on the higher end of the spectrum and wait to fill. Certainly ask others what they are charging so that you are within a normal range- they won’t mind.
The rate calculus will also include how much makes it worthwhile for you, vs how quickly you want to fill. (ie if it is your full time job and you need 40 patients/ week, then you would charge less for each client).
In addition, there might be clients that you enjoy seeing and would charge less for because you WANT to see them, even if they can’t afford your full fee.
Anonymous
Going rates for good people in the Bay Area are between $150 and $250. I’d try for $250 and have a sliding scale if you are concerned about affordability. No one takes insurance.
Anon
My sweater fleece is a little snug and I have a $200 credit at LL Bean. Are sweater fleeces current (or is that just very Midtown Uniform)? I could reorder in a larger size but if it isn’t really something people wear now (how would I know after 18 months as a hermit), I’ll just save it for a winter coat or something. I have decided that I hate quarter zips and now am a full zip sweater fleece / fleece / jacket person.
Now that our schools seem to be reliably open, I am heading back into the office (casual) on a regular basis starting in October.
Anonymous
I mean they’re fine but not like super stylish and great for work.
Anon
I think it probably depends on your office. They were never really something that I have seen people wear in my office other than a pretty casual Friday look.
Cat
October is only a week away, why not see for yourself and then order in a few weeks if you think a new one is worth it? Not the kind of item that sells out immediately.
Anonymous
I don’t now the answer to your question, but I love ll beans airlight fleeces. Probably not office attire, but they wear like iron, are super light and warm enough for me.
Exhausted Overachiever
There’s no diplomatic way to get a senior leader to post a job he’s been saying he had approval to post for nearly a year, right? I’ve been doing a chunk of the very visible work this role will do (on top of my day job), and while I’m interested in the role and a competitive candidate for it, at this point I’m so tired of doing the extra work that I wouldn’t be terribly upset to not get the role if it meant the extra work was no longer on my plate. The senior leader said he will post it as soon as he has time, but he’s been saying that for nearly a year! I’ve talked to my boss about it, but she doesn’t have any power to help. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas? Or should I just give up and begin my job search?
Anonymous
Get on his calendar and pitch yourself. Tell him you want the job, because you’re already doing the work, and you want it now. Go after it.
Exhausted Overachiever
I’ve told him I’m interested in the job, but our company requires that all jobs be posted and multiple candidates being interviewed, so I can’t just ask for the promotion to happen without it being posted and going through the interview process. I think that’s part of what is so frustrating – I know that process will take time, yet it can’t begin because the role hasn’t been posted.
Anonymous
You can though. You can ask. He can say no. You can tell him that you’re frustrated youve been given the “opportunity” to do the work for no increase in pay or title for a year, yet there has been no progress in giving you the opportunity to actually get the role. Make it annoying for him to have to keep dealing with this.
Anon
I think you can still ask for the promotion to re-express your interest. It’s not your responsibility worry about posting and interviewing people for it.
Anon
I’m pretty far along in my own career, so I apologize in advance if this is tone deaf, but can’t you just talk to him about it? You’ve been doing the work, it’s on top of your day to day responsibilities, and you need some clarity about it. I think it’s fair, and if someone had an honest conversation with me, I wouldn’t be offended about it.
Exhausted Overachiever
I had that discussion with him several months ago and was told that the role would be posted “soon.” I know he’s swamped with more work than he can realistically managed, which is why the role is being created, but this is just getting ridiculous.
Anonymous
Why are you waiting months to follow up? Talk to him Monday. Follow up in two week.
Anon
If it’s been months you can definitely bring it up again. You can say I want this role and I’m already excelling in it but I understand our process requires posting and interviewing. What can undo to help make that happen? Can I talk to HR for you? Can I help coordinate with your secretary?
Anon
Why would they post it? You’re doing it for free. Yes, job search and highlight the experience and skills you have in your current role. If asked why you are leaving, make comments about the pay and title not being commensurate with the work you are doing.
anon
+1
Anon
I think this is a good plan. Someone who drags their feet for a year isn’t going to suddenly change their tune. Look out for yourself, OP.
LawDawg
I worked with someone like this. I should have known that something was up when he told me he wanted to hire me, but it took another 4 months before I started the job. With another internal employee, he offered her a job and then waited close to a year for her to make the move (while her old supervisors insisted that she continue to work for them while they dragged their feet hiring a replacement). If someone is not willing to advocate for you or to make the effort to fill the position (whether it is you or someone else), it is not someone you want to work with/for. In my experience, that foot dragging extended to all aspects of working with that supervisor. Think hard about whether you want to a) continue to be taken advantage of, or b) work with someone who isn’t interested in advocating for you.
Coach Laura
I agree with this.
Anony
Ha, this is happening/did happen to me – I had a manager of a different program approach me in March about helping his team. I was super interested in the work that they do and totally on-board. We set up a start-date and then crickets; never replied to my emails and totally ghosted me. Exactly 4 weeks later, he reached out again to see if I was available and I said yes. One of his people set me up in all their systems, added me to meeting invitees, and I was ghosted again! Then 4 weeks later, rinse and repeat (literally).
A few weeks ago, my manager said that ghost manager reached out to him about me, again. I told my boss to tell him no, I’m not available nor would I ever want to work for a manager that treats people like this for 7 months straight. I feel sorry for his team that’s totally overworked, desperate for help, and working for a useless manager. The absolute worse part is that they never took away my access to their systems so I get endless emails about things I have no part in…
anon a mouse
This, exactly.
Start updating your resume and watching job postings. If he has an assistant, can you casually inquire as to whether she/he knows if there are any holdups in the process? Are there any timing factors at play here, like he would need to get it posted before the end of the fiscal year? Do you have a review soon?
If you are just tired of doing the extra work and don’t care any more about the promotion, you can raise that directly with your boss: “I took on this extra work with the understanding it would be temporary and would likely lead to greater recognition. This is not a permanently sustainable situation, how can we adjust my workload in the meantime?” If you softly telegraph that you are over it, that might be enough incentive to get it posted. But it also might not, in which case you need to be prepared to change jobs.
Anon
Yes it’s time for you to see what is out there. My own sister did VP level work as a director for over a year because they “couldn’t get approval” for the VP slot, then they brought in a random dude as VP over her who expected her to keep doing the work and I guess envisioned himself as simply the person who attended meetings and took credit for her work.
She has to leave that company to get the title and pay (and of course they tried to finally give it to her as a counter when she finally gave notice) but the only way to get them to appreciate you is to show them what they’d be missing if you left.
Senior Attorney
Agree that it seems like there’s little incentive to post it since you’re doing the job for free.
But… can you offer to do the actual work involved in the posting? “Senior leader, I know you’re busy and I’m super familiar with this job since I’ve been doing it. How about if I do a draft posting so we can get things moving? Then if you approve we can post it and get the process started.”
anon
SA, I’m not the OP but in a similar situation and this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Senior Attorney
DO IT!! :)
Anonymous
What about giving him a sample job posting to work from? You could pull either internal or external samples.
Jane
What are y’all doing for lunch these days? After what seems like years in this pandemic life I’m really in a rut which is very bad for my health cuz I’m just resorting to candy or bacon these days!!! Or much more coffee than I should. I miss going out to grab salads with my colleagues but my days are too packed with back to back meetings and I definitely can’t step out to grab lunch anymore.
anon
Packing my lunch, same as I always have.
AnonInfinity
I live on bagged salads from the grocery store. Trader Joe’s has a good selection, as does my (non-Whole Foods) grocery store. I usually get a variety of salads and then some precooked chicken or edamame for additional protein and eat that for lunch. I get different salads for each day so I don’t feel like I’m eating the same thing, but it is so so easy.
AnonInfinity
I also keep a big mixing bowl in the cabinet at work that I wash after I use it so that I don’t have to worry about bringing that every day.
anon
Well, soup season is near, so that’ll help. I like making a big batch on the weekend, and it usually gets me through most of the week, especially if I supplement with a sandwich. I struggle with work lunches in the summer. I can only eat so many salads before I’m completely sick of them.
Anon
Dinner leftovers 90% of the time and Lean Cuisine the other 10%.
Senior Attorney
Same here.
Anonymous
Mostly fast food this week while I rethink because while the managing partner insists that staff work in the office, created a culture strongly preferring that lawyers do, too, and has a constant stream.of outsiders coming in, the one pandemic rule he is now enforcing after a positive case is that we can’t eat inside the office. What can I eat in my car?
Anon
I make pancakes way too often. I bought the hard boiled egg cooker mentioned the other day, hoping that will encourage me to eat more eggs. I really love eating eggs, just don’t enjoy cooking them.
Leatty
DH and I do Catered Fit for lunch and dinner. The meals come out to <$10/meal, are pretty tasty, appropriately portioned, and just need to be heated to eat.
Anonymous
Etiquette q: Invited to friends’ wedding, originally planned as an international destination wedding for 2020. Original invitation said “no presents, traveling for our wedding is enough”
Now it’s a local wedding this month. Didn’t find a registry online, so texted the groom and he confirmed “we don’t have one” (though he didn’t go as far as to say “no gifts” explicitly).
Would you take this as a sign not to get them anything? To just give cash? To give something small/fun (they love beer, for instance)? FWIW they are both lawyers and live together already with nice stuff. They’re always really nice hosts so I’d like to be generous if appropriate.
Anon
Yeah I think you should give them cash.
Anonymous
Yeah I think you should give them cash.
Anonymous
Because I wasn’t sure if the lack of registry and previous request for no gifts on the last version meant they were essentially requesting that I not do so!
Anonymous
Nope. It means they didn’t want you to feel like you had to buy a gift when flying overseas and that they don’t want things.
Cat
+1
Anon
This, and you give them cash or a gift card somewhere easy to use.
Anonymous
I really cannot stomach giving cash to peers. It is one thing for an older relative to give a substantial check to a marrying couple, quite another for me to give a friend $100 at their wedding. At least a gift can be associated with the giver. Those who don’t “want things” generally don’t need my money more than I do. And the concept of “pay for your plate” is unacceptable. If you didn’t want to buy me dinner, you shouldn’t have invited me.
Anonymous
I’d write a check and call it a day. If you want to give a gift, you can, but it’d be more about what you want to give than what they’d want to get. I got a few gift cards for our wedding, and honestly, while appreciated, they ended up just being something else to put on my to do list. Not trying to sound ungrateful, but a friend gave me $200 to spend at a framing shop. That was very sweet but I had to figure out what I want to get framed that costs around but not much more than $200 at this framing shop that is a 30 min drive from my house. Took me three years to get around to using it. All of that is to say, the gift should be about the recipient more than the giver, but if you want to give a tangible gift, go for it!
Anonymous
I’d probably get them something. Tickets to a beer festival? A tasting at a local brewery? Beer of the month club?
Anon
Lovely card, and, if you feel like it, Veuve or a restaurant gift card.
Cash
Seriously… you would attend a wedding with no gift?
It’s clear that the couple wants cash/checks. That’s what most wedding guests do. The registries are for bridal showers and older guests. I usually give around $100 per person (up to $150 per person for closer friends or family) but this depends on your area.
Anon
Like I didn’t want gifts and I also didn’t want cash. I just to get married and have people come. It wasn’t transactional.
anon
+1 I am not married, but if/when I do, I absolutely do not want gifts or cash. I want my friends to come party with me – that’s it, full stop.
Anonymous
Well start getting over yourself now because people want to show they love you and being a weird drama Queen about not letting them is a bad look.
Anon
11:44 it is perfectly graceful to neither ask for nor want gifts. You’re the nasty one here.
Anon
This has to be region/culture dependent. When I got married, all my high school and college friends bought us registry gifts. We didn’t get many checks, but the ones we did get were from people of our parents’ generation. I only give cash when there’s no registry (rare in my circles) or when it’s a close friend and I know they really want cash.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 9:44 and when I got married, I explicitly told people that they did not have to get us anything. We are mid-career professionals. Traveling to our wedding was expensive – family and friends scattered around the country. A lot of the local group are retirees on fixed incomes. Every time we use the wedding presents someone got us, I think fondly of that person; however, it’s really not necessary.
Anon
This is very, very cultural. In my social sphere, we do not give cash gifts for weddings (except as noted above older relatives). It is considered incredibly tacky. I am not suggesting that the people who are suggesting cash are wrong for their world but only that giving cash is not universally accepted. I would never give cash to a peer as a wedding gift.
In my view, no registry + prior invitation saying no gifts means no gifts unless you know the couple well enough to pick something out or give them something they can easily return.
Anon
When I got married with a very small guest list and specifically no registry (we suggested donations to our favorite charity if people were so inclined) one of my work friends took it upon herself to go to my favorite local wine store and buy a mixed case based on how much people from our friend group chipped in. So each bottle was from someone different. She let the wine store pick the bottles in each price range. It was so sweet of her and definitely a memorable, unexpected gift.
Anon
For those of you with wavy hair who have switched to the curly girl method- how long did it take to see results?
Anon
Following. I have been reading and trying to do some of the things b/c my hair texture is being weird now b/c a lot of it (even if colored) is gray hair of an uneven texture (some if fine, some is very wiry, and now some of my brown hairs have some wave to them but most head hair is just dreadfully fine and limp, so it looks like a small bad extensions or something where there is texture). Ugh. During lockdown experimentations with non-daily washings didn’t retrain my hair at all and it is still oily AF also.
KS IT Chick
About 4 weeks, on the shampoo and conditioner. When I got a Deva cut, where the stylist cut each curl individually, the results were immediate.
Anonymous
I have 2B/2C and switched to modified curly girl (I use approved shampoo and conditioner but my gel may not be? Twist by Ouidad). I wasn’t happy with my hair until I got it dry-cut by a curly hair specialist. I now LOVE it.
Anonymous
Threadjack – anyone have a good replacement for Tigi Curls Rock Amplifier? It’s not CGM friendly but I can’t give it up. Have tried moptop and various aveda products without luck. Okay with (would actually prefer) something with less hold.
anon
If it’s working for you, why would you change it? (Caveat is that I do not have curly hair, but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t stick with what works instead of being dogmatic about a particular method.)
AnonInfinity
I’m not sure about this particular product, but for a lot of people with curly hair, the frizz is drastically reduced by not using shampoo. If you don’t use shampoo, then products with silicones will build up on your hair and it will look terrible unless you start using shampoo again, so you get into a bit of a cycle. So sometimes there’s a product that works well in the moment but it won’t work well over time because of the other things that makes your hair look good.
I’m not strict curly girl, but for some people, that kind of thing really makes a difference.
Anon
I have the same question and the same reason… it works well for me, but creates build up on my hair, unless I use clarifying shampoos which create frizz and make my hair look bad generally. So it would be better to have a product that works well but rinses clean more easily.
Anon 10:18
This is exactly my problem. Builds up and then shampoos I need to clean it off are hard on my hair and make frizz worse. I’ve tried a myriad of clarifying shampoos and have concluded I need to replace the Curls Rock.
anon a mouse
I haven’t used Tigi in years, but I will give a plug for Curlsmith products. They are online only and it took a bit to find my holy grail products, but let me recommend the Weightless Air Dry cream for casual, breezy waves (perfect for after the pool in the summer) and the In-Shower Style Fixer which is much more defined curls. Huge fan. All CG-friendly.
Anon 10:18
TY!!!
Anonymous
This probably isn’t what you want to hear but I tried and gave up about four weeks in. My hair is fine but super oily. I guess I don’t have enough wave to overcome the oiliness. Something I don’t like about CGM is if it doesn’t work for you, you get blamed: “you’re doing something wrong”
well then tell me how to fix it!
“I can’t: hair is just too unique. Keep trying different things”
You realize “throw spaghetti at the wall until something sticks” is not actually a method right?
Anonymous
It took about a week to see that it wasn’t going to work. Oily hair, flaky scalp, itching, etc.
Block heels
What are your favorite comfortable block black heels for work?
Anon
I have a pair of 1″ J Crew Lady Day clones that are going strong after 18 months of being unworn (they are 3-4 years older than lockdown maybe). Wore them yesterday and they are still good shoes.
Gigi
I love my Everlane The Day heels
Anonymous
Stuart Weitzman and Tory Burch. Both last forever.
Anonymous
Planning a weekend away with 5 friends- city mice renting a country cottage in November. I’m in charge of Friday dinner and struggling. Driving up Friday afterwork so will basically want to be able to arrive and eat. I was planning to order a really large and fancy board with cheese/meat/fruit/veggies hummus etc from a caterer I know who does gorgeous ones. But now one woman isn’t drinking, eating soft cheese, eating sliced meats, or hot rubbing. So happy for her but my cheese board is out. Was then thinking a big indulgent lasagna with garlic bread and salad, but remembered one woman is gluten free.
Help me brainstorm something festive, pregnancy safe, gluten free, and easy?
Anonymous
Omg hot tubbing lol
Lily
You can still do the cheese board. Ask the caterer to keep the meats separate from the cheeses, and make sure there are enough varieties of pasteurized cheese for your pregnant friend. Also make sure there are some GF crackers (rice crackers?) in addition to the crudite. As long as you have a good amount of cheese, crackers/bread, and dips, it should be fine. Maybe some fruit, too. Get some fancy non-alcoholic sparkling beverages for pregnant friend.
Cat
Taco bar? You could have both corn and flour tortillas, and most ingredients could travel fine prepped in baggies. Cook the meat when you arrive.
Anon
Taco bar! Include corn tortillas (and a bean option for fillings if you have vegetarians amongst you) and you’re all set.
Anonymous
Lol yes but the last dinner I did for this group was a taco bar.
Cat
but will they care? I would never be disappointed in being greeted by a taco bar!
Cat
OR – you could do a similar concept but make it a baked potato bar.
Anon
Prefer taco bar to baked potato bar: the latter is all starch.
Anon
Right? I don’t think I’d want to be friends with anyone who could be disappointed when confronted with tacos.
Anonymous
if it went over well, lean into it and make the taco bar “your thing” (ie do it every chance you get!)
Anon
brisket, various salads (potato, coleslaw, fruit, green, grain) cornbread
Anon
Just ask the caterer to only choose pasteurized cheeses, or make your own board. Most US cheeses are pasteurized – the use of ‘no soft cheeses’ is frustratingly vague. Put the meat on the side.
Anonymous
Yeah I know but she’s very much no soft cheese at all and I’m being respectful of that.
Anon
You can make a cheeseboard with hard cheeses. I can’t even think of any soft cheeses except Brie and burrata. Those are great but you don’t need them to make a cheese board.
Anon
I was thinking something similar. Can you have the caterer add more hard cheeses to the board and then add some extra accouterment on the side? Or maybe even some additional dips on the side? I would stick with the fancy cheese platter and then just gussy it up with some extras that pregnant friend can eat.
Anon
But would it really be the greatest to feed your pregnant friend only some hard cheese and raw veggies/dip for dinner?
Anonymous
It would not, which is why I said I wasn’t doing this and asked for other ideas!
Walnut
When I was in your friend’s shoes, ginger hard candies and McDonalds french fries on the side of that cheese board would have checked all my boxes.
Anon
You can still do the cheese board but I would add something more substantial like the lasagna and salad. Then people can eat cheese for dinner or as an app plus the rest, and the gluten free person can do the board and salad.
Anonymous
I’m not doing a $200 cheese board and making a lasagna!
Anon
That’s an expensive cheese board! If you’re making a lasagna, get a second (disposable presumably) pan and make a second lasagna with gluten free noodles. I’ve done those explore foods green lentil lasagna noodles and they’ve tasted fine and are oven-ready so they don’t need to be boiled. Then it’s easy peasy since you already have the rest of the ingredients prepped.
Anon
I commonly see brown rice lasagna noodles at the grocery stores, for a gf option.
No Problem
Chili (you can make ahead and bring in containers/a cooler) over baked potatoes or cornbread. Great for colder weather too. Or the taco bar suggestion. Nobody cares if you’ve done a taco bar before, because everyone loves a taco bar.
anon
I feel like chili is the answer to a multitude of “feeding a crowd” dilemmas!
AnonInfinity
Yes! I’d love the chili bar. Chili and salads (from a bag) and we’re done!
Senior Attorney
Yes, and I like to serve chili over rice for a nice change of pace.
Hollis
My family likes chili over spaghetti noodles. Shredded cheese (bought like that from the grocery store), tortilla chips, and frank’s hot as optional toppings. If you have a large slow cooker, you can make the chili in there and take it in that container.
Anon
It sounds like this is halfway to Cincinnati chili.
Anonymous
I don’t see what the issue is if there will be hard cheese and hummus. Everyone should be able to find something they can eat. It’s a snack dinner for all.
If you want a full meal, do the lasagna and get a frozen GF lasagna for GF friend.
Anonymous
I wanted to do something nice, and a store bought frozen lasagna isn’t it. There’s no “issue” except that I want to do something nice and thought other people might have good ideas.
And, aside from all the oddly insistent cheese plate people, they did! Chili is the winner.
IL
I see you haven’t had Valicenti Pasta Farm’s frozen lasagna. They run about $30 for a 5 pound tray that feeds 4-6 people with multiple gluten free options. And I assure you, they are nice. If your country destination is in New England, you should check them out!
Anonymous
No, I meant do homemade lasagna for the group and get a little frozen GF one for the GF person.
Anon
Sometimes pregnant women are told to avoid tahini, which is in hummus.
Anon
This is just getting absurd. At some point she’s just inventing rules. That’s her prerogative, but then it’s not reasonable to expect everyone else to accommodate them. I’ve been pregnant, all my friends have been pregnant, and I don’t know anyone who avoided hummus.
Johns Hopkins (ya know, some pretty respected doctors) lists hummus as a top 5 food to eat while pregnant. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/5-snack-foods-to-eat-while-pregnant
Anon
It’s standard medical advice in many countries, including NZ and Au. Just because you haven’t heard before of it doesn’t mean it’s made up.
Anonymous
A cheese board is a snack, not dinner. I say this as someone who regularly eats cheese and crackers and wine for dinner and calls it good. That is not what people mean when they assign meals for a group trip. I would be annoyed if someone did this, especially if I was in charge of one of the other dinners and had gone to the trouble to put together and transport a real meal. I heartily second the recommendation for a taco bar. Mediterranean themed options work too – pita, hummus, grilled chicken, Greek salad?
Anonymous
Sigh. I literally asked for other ideas and I know my friends, the fancy cheese/meat/veggies/hummus platter is exactly the sort of thing we frequently do and like. Idk why the jump to being negative is so easy for some people.
Anonymous
Ignore that person. She wouldn’t be your friend.
Anon
What about doing that cheese board but also adding baguette, GF crackers, and a GF soup? The soup travels easily, you can either make it or pick it up from any of many places, and it’s easy to have a cup or a bowl if you want to bulk up the cheese board.
(When I have company over, particularly out of town guests who have been travelling all day, we frequently do a cheese board + baguette + have a crock pot of hot soup or chili. It’s super casual and really lets people help themselves based on what they’ve eaten earlier/how hungry they are.)
Anon
This right here is the answer.
busybee
Pregnant celiac here. You could just do a gluten free lasagna. Do NOT get the brown rice noodles, they disintegrate. Ronzoni and barilla both make good options. Just be really careful with other things in your kitchen to avoid cross contamination. I think the taco bar is a good idea. You could make it a chili bar for something different
anon
Make a vegetarian, gluten-free butternut squash lasagna. I made one for a fall menu/ November birthday party several years ago, and it was delicious and went over well. Soft cheese in lasagna is completely pregnancy safe–it’ll be pasteurized and cooked to temperature. You can make it ahead, pack it in a cooler, and warm it up when you get there.
Anon
I’ve suggested this before but Mediterranean buffets are always a hit. A big greek salad (maybe leave the feta on the side). Hummus. Baba ganoush. Dolmas. Assorted olives. Lavash bread. If you want to get fancy, spanikopita or other flio dough bites. Have some grilled meat or shawarma to add to the salad. Done.
Anon
Ps I forgot to mention my favorite part, baklava
Anon
Coming w same suggestion!
anon
Do a baked ziti with brown rice penne. Lasagna-ish, less work, gluten free.
Anonymous
Do the indulgent lasagna still but swap the noodles for any gluten free ones at the store! They’re so prolific now that even my regular grocery has many GF noodle options right next to the regular ones, in all shapes of pasta. Check the box in case there are any different cooking considerations for that particular type, I know I throw in the pasta uncooked and it always comes out beautifully, but with GF you may have to cook the lasagna noodles a little beforehand. And honestly, I’d say still do the garlic bread if there is only one person not eating GF, if she can have the main dish and salad? People run the gamut from “Oh please don’t even think of making special accommodations for me” to “I can’t believe my dietary needs weren’t taken into consideration and followed by everyone else, too.”
Another idea would be to make something beforehand that can be reheated upon arrival. A big pot of chili with an array of DIY fixings for guests would be homey and warming, perfect for a cottage.
First World Probs
I have a home that was built in the 1960s(?) in the Boston area and various additions throughout 80s and 90s. It’s what I’ll call a “modified colonial”. I really love the house but he finishes inside are just not…. crisp? I know I’ll never get the look and feel of a brand new build because it’s an older house. We’re working on bathrooms and kitchen renos but throughout the bedrooms and other living areas
Little things throughout I feel would make a giant difference in how I feel about the home and our finishes, but I have no idea if they’re worth it or if I’d just be creating a giant headache I don’t actually want to deal with: example, trim around all windows in the house is smooth/plain finish vs a more decorative moulding. All of the wood trim was also painted white recently vs the natural wood it was previously and, while it looks good, it also shows, if that makes sense. Some drywall walls have noticeable, sometimes large, nail hole patches, etc. Doors are hollow core and smooth (already decided to swap out doors to 6-panel solid core throughout).
Has anyone gone as far as replacing the window trim or door frame trim throughout the house? I can’t decide if this is silly / would just be a giant project for no good reason (other than it makes me happy, I think..) or if I should just let it be. We don’t have any plans to move, but I think if we ever did sell it would potentially just help freshen up the space and make it feel more “crisp”.
Anonymous
I think it’s a great idea, as is properly repainting and patching any walls with obvious wear and tear.
Anon
How about taking a room, removing the trim around doors and windows, touching up/finishing the edges and living with it a while to see how you like it? It’s a bit more modern look, but not aggressively so and works on a 1960s house (mine was built that way).
pugsnbourbon
Trim goes a long way to making a room look more “done.” It’ll probably be expensive but the impact will be noticeable.
Anon
I’d definitely replace the moldings. You don’t have to do the whole house at once. Plus taking off the window trim is a good opportunity to check the insulation around the window frames – my old house had none so we added some before replacing the trim.
OP
Great points. If we were to replace windows in 5-7 years (best guess – don’t actually know how old they are, need to do some research), is this a silly thing to do now? Does the interior trim get destroyed if you replace windows? I’ve owned homes but never did a window replacement before.
Anony
Replacing the windows does not destroy the interior trim if done correctly. They literally just cut the window out, stick in a new one and caulk around the edges of the window. It’s surprisingly quick and painless (I only know this because my neighbors did theirs a few months ago).
Cat
We’re doing this as part of a renovation (our house was a rental for years and the trim was banged up and painted with 17 layers of paint accordingly) and SO excited for crisp outlines of our rooms again!
Anonymous
We have done this, our 60s house had a flipper remodel, so years of bad choices. When we needed to paint the interiors we had the floors redone and switched out the trim and interior doors. It is a really nice change, but to work you need a good contractor who will be really careful.
Anonymous
Trim and doors will make a huge difference. Doors are pricey. Remember to specify that the new doors hinges are the same finish as the door knobs. (Ask me how I know to do this.) I’d ask my finish worker and/or painter as to how to repair the sheet rock that has nail damage. Also, is your trim just poorly painted? I might look into just repainting. Also, while window treatments get expensive quick, i have found that simple linen-look curtains hung “high and wide” from black metal rods with proper clips can look very pretty in a pinch. In addition to window door trim, I love more elaborate wainscoting in a colonial style home. I might price it out for my dining room or foyer. Also, a fun, sometimes less expensive way to make your home look prettier is to examine and upgrade your light fixtures.
Senior Attorney
We did this last year and it made a huge difference. My husband is a woodworker so it was a fun and fast project for him and it really freshened things up.
OP
Thank you and everyone else! You’ve convinced me, but we’ll pick it off slowly.
We could do it ourselves but we have a fantastic local handyman who is very reasonable and will be focused to bang it out. We did a lighter version of what I’m proposing ourselves at the old house and I could never not look at the imperfections that were probably blamed on the DIY-ness of the project.
Nudibranch
Slightly off topic, but I wonder if you’d be interested in following Banyan Bridges on IG. She’s a mural artist and a lot of content is about her WIP. But she just bought her first (about your era) home, and it is the ugliest thing I’ve seen (as sold). They will be redoing it and I’m so interested in seeing how they turn that horror into something attractive. Its going to be quite a makeover…
Anon
Has anyone heard of the firm Egan Nelson? Does anyone have thoughts about it?
Galapagos Islands
Has anyone done a “cruise” in the Galapagos Islands? Can you recommend your company/boat? Am looking to go in January and there seem to be quite a few options. We’d prefer a smaller boat, both for Covid and for aesthetic reasons, but are open to hearing about all experiences. Thank you!
Anon
A friend did Celebrity X (the expedition spin-off of Celebrity Cruises) and loved it. I think it’s one of the bigger Galapagos boats but still tiny compared to a normal cruise ship. 300 passengers or so.
Anon
I did a Galapagos cruise about 8 years ago with GAdventures. It was one of my favorite trips. The boat was limited to about 20 passengers and most days we didn’t see any other boats. It was amazing to go on the different islands with such a small group. They have a few different levels of service. If I recall correctly, I did the lower end trip and the boat was so nice. Every time we left the ship, they cleaned the rooms and the food was good. The passengers were a mix of ages, from young 20s to retired.
I would recommend G Adventures. But regardless of whether you use them or someone else, I highly recommend a very small boat. There is no experience like being on an island with so few people.
LawDawg
I did the Celebrity cruise about 7 years ago. The ship is under 100 passengers, but that is the top limit for the Galapagos. I chose the larger boat because I was traveling with my spouse who gets seasick so I thought bigger would be better and two children (10 and 13). All excursion sizes are limited to groups of 16 or so (again Galapagos regulations) and the larger ship offered both more active and more “sit and watch” types of excursions. You could pick what you wanted each day. The ship was a mini cruise ship with a dining room (open seating), a grill, and a bar/library/lounge. We had a cabin with a balcony and kids were two floors down in a smaller room with a porthole. The original booking had parent/child in each room, but when we got there, it was no problem to say that the kids would be on their own. And even though it was a “ship” it was still so small that they were really nearby. I highly recommend. The trip was amazing!
Lots to Learn
Seconding this. We did the same. The larger boat was better because it minimized seasickness and it had two options for excursions every day – one more athletic and one more relaxed. About 7 guides so there were two with each excursion. Super knowledgeable. Great food. Traveled from island to island during the night so you got a great variety of islands. Strongly recommend the Celebrity cruises over others I’ve heard people use, which weren’t able to do as much.
NYCer
Check out Wilderness Travel.
Curious
I have not been to the Galapagos with them, but Julio Verne travel is a wonderful agency, started I think by Dutch expats but employing mostly locals. They are significantly cheaper than other options while offering more intimate adventures (e.g., four of us mountain bikes down Chimborazo with them for like $35/ea. Amazing.) Their website is mainly in Spanish, but they should be able to email with you in English.
https://julioverne-travel.com/index.php/es/islasgalapagos
lovestotravel
I did a cruise through Metropolitan Touring in 2011 and it was honestly one of the best trips of my life. I think you’d describe it as a medium-sized yacht — there were 45 passengers and a similar number of crew members. We wanted the smaller size so that the outings didn’t feel so crowded but (at least at that time) they divided you into groups of 15 with a naturalist to visit the islands so perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference in the end.
Anon
Knowmad Travel specializes in this. They have connections with all the vendors there. We did a small boat cruise with them and it was SO MUCH better than a large cruise ship. Food was excellent, the guide was amazing, and accommodations were spacious. The small cruise allowed us to all get to islands quickly or snorkel fast. No lines. You could spend as much or as little time with others. It was a trip of a lifetime. Highly recommend. We added on some days in the Andes to this trip and also loved that.
Anon
There are no large cruise ships in the Galapagos. Every ship that goes there is a small ship.
Anonymous
Yesterday’s thread got me thinking about how people respond when they unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Ime a lot of people get super defensive and turn it around on you. I’ve always been one to stick up for myself (and others), and I’ve been called too sensitive, difficult, I’m sure I would be labeled a Karen now that that’s a thing (ew). I also have a habit (less so now that I’m older) of putting my foot in my mouth, I think I spent my teenage years basically apologizing nonstop. I just can’t understand why the response to “hey you hurt my feelings” isn’t always, “omg I’m so sorry” regardless of whether you personally feel that the thing you said was hurtful. Even “oh gosh I meant it this way not that way, I’m sorry if it came off that way!” is better than this attitude that one should only feel hurt by intentionally hurtful words. Did other people miss that awkward teenage phase where they constantly embarrassed themselves?
Anonymous
Some people use “you hurt my feelings” as a weapon. I’m not going to bend over backwards apologizing to my sensitive friend because having a party at 8 hurt her feelings because she had to miss it because she couldn’t get a sitter. I’m not going to be super apologetic when a friends feelings are hurt because I just disagreed with her about something.
If, throughout your life, by many different people, you’ve been called sensitive and difficult, instead of posting something vague why not explore internally why this is happening? Maybe you are finding offense too readily.
Anon
A stranger hurting my feelings is often not about me (this is a stranger), but somehow about the stranger. I don’t have time to care about that and have no desire to invest time trying to make a stranger care about my feelings. No one cares, really. Over time, this has really been helpful to putting no stock in throwaway comments that others make (or even when people try to do deliberate things — acting out of frustration or anger is 1000% likely not to be frustrated or angry at me, but I am the person there and hence the recipient).
Think of airlines gate agents and ticketing people. And teachers. There are a lot of people who get exposed to unearned abuse. If they survive (and not all do), it’s maybe likely because they see that the bad behavior (or whatever) says nothing about them, but everything about the do-er.
Anon
It’s important to differentiate hurt feelings because someone actually did or said something wrong (regardless of intent), and due to a misunderstanding/overly sensitive individual.
I’m not apologizing to someone who got tearful because I called out their BS (see common use of white woman tears and the reason many people are dead). Conversely it’s rude and hollow to apologize that “you feel that way” when you were the rude one.
Everything is about context.
anon
Yeah, there are people who get their feelings hurt when they are told the truth. I work very hard to only tell truth with love (even when dealing with strangers), because I feel like that’s what my religion requires of me, but there are 100% people who cannot differentiate between “hearing this makes me feel badly ergo you have done something wrong” and actual rudeness/insensitivity/etc.
If someone tells me I hurt their feelings, I stop to think about what I said and how I said it, to make sure that I DID meet my goal of telling truth with love, and that telling truth was the loving thing to do in that situation (sometimes it isn’t). But if I’m comfortable that it was, no, I don’t apologize. I say “I didn’t mean to hurt you but I think it was important for you to hear this.”
Sometimes I don’t live up to my own standard, and I do fall into the dig/unkind word/saying the thing I know will sting. I apologize for that but I don’t apologize for the substance unless I know that I was actually being a jerk.
Anon
I’m not sure if it’s exactly what you’re talking about, but I’ve always thought outcomes are more important than intentions. If you have the best of intentions and you still end up harming somebody in some way, you’re responsible for that.
anon
Are hurt feelings always harm, though? Sometimes emotional pain comes from hearing truth that was necessary but uncomfortable, no matter how kindly delivered.
Anon
Yeah, I guess I’m thinking more broadly, beyond just hurt feelings.
Anon
Consider long and hard what gives you the right to deliver those “truths,” if you would be comfortable with such “truths” being delivered to you, and if those are actually necessary (and, presuming they are necessary, someone can actually do something about it). Consider if you know the situation as well as you think you do.
A lot of people really just don’t understand that they don’t have the right to speak “the necessary truth” at everyone they know. A lot of people are projecting. A lot of people think they know the entire situation and it turns out they don’t.
Anon
There are not a lot of people with opinions I care about, frankly. And not a lot of tussles I care to be in. You can’t argue with a fool, an idiot, or a meanie. And I expect any words I say or write to wind up in the paper / on the web / in the hands of people I care about and don’t care to do what will likely make me look bad.
There are some hills I’m fine dying on; but otherwise, I just don’t care.
Anon
I spent my childhood being called “hypersensitive.” I took it to heart, tried to let the comments roll off, and ended up in therapy. It turns out that I wasn’t “hypersensitive;” my family of origin are actually nasty people who didn’t like accountability. I would never say the things they said to me as a child – even to an adult. Things like, they told me when I was eight years old that I would be a failure at life because I was book smart but not suited to the corporate world. Eight.
As an adult, I work very hard to not inadvertently ape them, even milder versions of their “teasing.” My touchstone: if it’s funny to me but not funny to the target, it’s cruel. Comedy routines are best left to the professionals. “Just teasing,” my [donkey].
When it’s me who inadvertently offends someone, the first apology is free – even if I think they are taking a really warped interpretation of what I said. If it gets to the point wherein I feel like I’m walking on eggshells or am tired of saying sorry, I pull back from the friendship for both our sakes. This stuff isn’t hard.
On the flip side, I judge people pretty harshly when they always refuse to own up to the hurt their words caused. When I ask for certain subjects to be off-limits, that never should be topics of conversation anyway (e.g., my weight), and I’m told that I’m “hypersensitive,” then it’s ON.
Anon
This sounds like a very clear and smart take on how you figured out to change the harmful patterns you were raised with. I like this, thx.
test run
Love the idea that “the first apology is free.” That’s sort of my stance, too, though I didn’t have a good catch phrase for it like this.
Anonymous
I feel like I apologize way more than other people do and I find their resistance to apologies sort of off-putting. I find people often thank me when I should be getting an apology too which is equally bizarre. Oh well.
PSA -- Murdaugh
I think that the serenity prayer is useful in many circumstances, often “wisdom to know the difference” being such a key thing. Sometimes, walking away is the only real think you can do vs burn through all your energy and then becoming more upset in that process on top of the original thing that upsets you.
Anonymous
I was thinking about that too.
One take: that man wasn’t just insulting the OP. He was very cruelly using her fathers death as a path to criticize her very existence as a childless woman. He actually sat down and wrote an email that said “you’re a good daughter BUT…” It’s one thing to hurt someone’s feelings by accident. That was no accident.
Another: I think when we’re hurt, it’s easier to express anger than hurt. But anger gives the person who wronged you more options than hurt. Their only option to save face is “youre too sensitive “ which loses its impact the more wrong they were.
qtip
this is such a crazy take! he wrote a note after her father passed. if he was intentionally trying to hurt her, i don’t think that would be the move.
there are some real karens on this board smdh.
Anonymous
He wrote that the memorial was lovely but that she should note that what her recently deceased father always wanted was grandkids. I really can’t think of a meaner thing to say to her in that situation. That’s not the same as accidentally putting your foot in your mouth and accidentally insulting someone.
anon
Exactly. There is no other way to interpret that comment, IMO.
Anon
Yes, even if was “just” insensitive, insensitivity can rise to the level of cruelty. I think what he said was cruel.
Anon
Ok not sure which thread you’re responding to but I’ve posted before about feeling like my friends and I have lost our social skills during the pandemic. What used to be easy free flowing conversation with lots of laughter is now often stilted and awkward, and one person in our group seems determined to take everything way too seriously – I honestly think she is traumatized in some way by the pandemic (I mean weren’t we all at some level, but she’s clearly suffering more) and it’s not something any of us can fix for her. And then there’s all the apologizing for hurting her feelings when her interpretation of what was said was CLEARLY not how it was meant, and it makes things even more awkward. The last time it happened it essentially ended the gathering early.
I don’t know what the answer is, other than gathering as a group less often, when I actually think seeing them more is what would get us back into the swing of things. I leave our now-occasional gatherings kind of sad and feeling friendless.
Anon
Read the 100+ comment thread yesterday.
Me
Morning- I lost my job with a university (admin staff) last year due to covid. I am interviewing for a same level position with that uni and was offered about 5k less than what I was making. Reasoning is that different departments have different budgets. (?)
Do you have any thoughts on other things I can ask for? They don’t have x weeks of PTO but rather accrual levels. I would also rather be perpetually WFH. My understanding is everyone comes in “not every day.” Just not sure what a state school has flexibility on. Thank you.
Anonymous
Ask for more money, ask to start at the same level of PTO accruals you would have been at if you hadn’t left?
anon
Also in a university setting. See if you can come in at your previous PTO accrual levels. You can ask for WFH but be prepared for getting a hybrid arrangement at best. Propose doing it on a trial basis if they balk at the ask. At least at my institution, almost no one is being granted full WFH status (except when they are, but that’s been for current employees who have a very niche skillset).
Anon
The bit about budgets is, unfortunately, true. Business & Med tends to have the most money to pay staff. Athletics pays well, but you’re dealing with a ton of egos and BS. Central offices vary.
You’re unlikely to get “full time remote” in writing – our HR expressly prohibits more than 2 days of officially sanctioned WFH per week, but there are people in my uni who haven’t been in the office since pre-COVID. Not sure when or if upper admin is going to force the issue.
You probably won’t have leeway on benefits since it’s a state school.
Anon
In contrast, my university has made all staff positions that don’t interact directly with students fully remote. I no longer have office space in campus even if I wanted to go in. But if people in your department are on campus I agree they’ll probably want you in campus at least occasionally.
Anon
I would try to push on salary. If you don’t get it now, you are unlikely to ever make up the loss, given the constraints at public institutions. If you cannot get the salary level, be sure that your past service counts for seniority purposes and that your past retirement service credit (if you are in a defined benefit plan) gets added together with your new service. Will you have a new probationary period, or is that waived because you have held this level position, also? All of this should be spelled out in your appointment letter. Do a word search in university policies for “reemployed” and “reemployment” and it may raise other questions that you should raise. Good luck.
Cornellian
I have two friends with the same title at different schools in the local flagship state school, and there is a 25K pay difference between them. I’d ask, but I don’t think most state schools have a lot of flexibility. I’d push more on PTO accrual or working part-time from home when students aren’t on campus (or whatever modified version of WFH you think might be palatable).
Anon
Different departments do have different budgets. I’m confused if it’s the same University or a different one. I’d still ask for more money, a different PTO accrual level (i negotiated this with my university staff job) and hybrid schedule and see how it shakes out.
Anon
I’d ask them to match your previous salary, but don’t expect to get it- salaries are constrained not just by budgets, but also by pay bands and pay equity concerns (if they pay you more, every one at your level is then out of equity). I would also ask about PTO accrual and WFH and be prepared for it to go either way. At my university, we’re starting to hire fully remote people if they have the right skills and are in positions where it’s really not necessary for people to be on campus. Some offices are still completely WFH and may stay that way permanently, in part due to lack of office space on campus, so there wouldn’t be much of a cost to wanting to work remotely if you were working in a group like that, but I think you might pay a price in a job where face time was more valued- this obviously just depends a lot on the job and people involved.
Anon
Yeah the different budgets in different departments thing is real. At my state school, annual merit raises are so paltry (~2% for a good performer, can be zero for someone who is rated “satisfactory” and not on a PIP) that moving to a new role or new department is basically the only way to get a raise.
Anonymous
I’m in upper administration at a state school. We have no flexibility with PTO and have to follow the state rules for accruals — it doesn’t matter if you are custodial staff or a VP its all the same. Different departments absolutely have different budgets and different sizes so that would also make a difference on pay. We are also limiting people who are fully WFH because that does not play well with our legislature. When people WFH, especially if they are support staff, it really burdens the people on campus as it is harder to have those quick chats to take care of things.
You might be able to push a bit on pay, even given the budget constraints. I would also lay out for them the difference in salary and PTO and ask them what they can offer to make up for those benefit losses.
Anon
They should have left it up to individual departments.
n my office, WFH doesn’t burden the folks on campus in the least. I’ve been back in person since Aug 2020 in order to be the required face in the building, so my individual contributor staff didn’t need to be here. Pre-COVID, they only interacted with other staff via phone, Teams or email. It doesn’t make a bit of difference where they’re located. I hated having the make them come back (especially for all the more I can pay them), and they’d all have preferred to work from home full time. Yes, I have to pick up the phone or IM them instead of walking to their desk, but so what? The tradeoff was their morale was better, their productivity stayed the same or increased, and their unscheduled absences dropped. A couple who never had leave balances before now have a bit of a cushion for the first time ever. Working from home was a total win for my crew and our backwards HR is forcing them back into the office for no good reason.
Anon
“They should have left it up to individual departments” ummm, no. As someone who litigates employment discrimination cases for higher education, the absence of standards supporting any employment decision, and/or the inconsistent application of existing standards is why I am endlessly busy.
I understand that you want to WFH and believe that you are effective WFH. Respectfully, from an employer’s perspective, there are other consideration involved.
Anon
The discrimination happens when some of the people who can effectively work WFH are yanked back into the office anyway. Maybe that’s what HR should stop doing?
Anon
I’m the anon at 2:34 and am in the office. My staff are the ones who would rather be working from home, worked better from home, are not student facing, don’t collaborate with other departments and are not harming a damn thing other than some HR forced status quo. I have the productivity and the time & leave data to back it up. It’s not what I “want to believe”. The data doesn’t lie.
Anon
Unfortunately state universities don’t generally have a lot of room to negotiate salary for staff. It’s one reason we can’t retain great people. I’m not sure what you mean about accrual levels, but they almost certainly can’t offer you more PTO either. You probably have more room to negotiate on WFH but if your team is in the office full time WFH would likely hurt your career development. But I think asking for only 1-2 days a week in the office is a good idea.
Anon
To be clear – you should ask for more money. Just be prepared not to get it.
Jeans
Is there a comfort benefit to high rise jeans? What are well fitting ones supposed to feel like?
I’m asking because I ordered a pair of high rise (not super high, but still goes up to my natural waist) jeans, and I think it’s the first time ever I’m not wearing something that sits on my hips. It feels…weird? Like when I bend down it kind of compresses everything like spanx? Is that supposed to be what they feel like? Am I missing something?
anon
This is an individual preference IMO/IME. I can’t stand high-waist/rise jeans or leggings, but I love high-waist trousers. The former are uncomfortable to me, the latter are not. I don’t like my stomach being constricted in the way that jeans and leggings tend to do. The flip side, three of my best girlfriends love the constriction on their stomach, so . . . YMMV. Wear what feels good to you.
PolyD
Nope, high rise jeans generally feel terrible if you’ve gotten used to lower rises.
I wore higher rise jeans back in the late 1990s when I was about 20 lbs thinner (I was maybe 115lbs) than I am now. Once I got some lower (not super low, but lower, say just slightly above the navel) rise pants, and then tried wearing the higher rises again, wow were the high rise jeans uncomfortable. I wasn’t wearing the high rise jeans particularly, tight, either, they are just uncomfortable!
Anon
You’re not missing something, that’s just what they feel like. I like the style just because of the way it makes my lower half look, but it can be uncomfortable to wear.
Jeans
Ugh, guess they’re going in the returns pile then :( I really wanted to like them (they’re Imogene and Willie), but I guess I really prefer hip-rise pants. Why is everything high rise now?!
NYNY
IIRC, Imogene & Willie tend to use rigid denim. You might prefer some stretch in your high-rise jeans. I love how secure higher rises feel now – no risk of plumber butt! – but the fit has to be good from the waist all the way to the hips, which is asking a lot. Also fine to sit the trend out. It looks like low-rise is making a comeback, so pretty soon we’ll all be talking about that. ;-)
pugsnbourbon
I size up for high-waist pants that don’t stretch. I am shaped like a rectangle and I find that this cut makes me look like I actually have a waist.
Anon
It must be personal preference because I can’t stand things that fall below my waist. It feels like they’re falling down. I wear high rise everything and just wear tops untucked if the trend is low rise at the moment.
Anon
You don’t have to like them!
Anonymous
The advantage is that they work with all the shorter boxier tops that are being sold now. I feel like every time we fight these things we just look dated and off until we embrace the new silhouette. I didn’t embrace skinny jeans until flowy tops were everywhere.
AndyB❤️
I think a lot of how high waist feels is dependent on your body type. Long waisted, short waisted, how long is YOUR rise. I have to try on lots of pairs. Also mid rise feel like they are falling down on me because:! Body type
Anna
What are the things that you’ve done to make the corner of your apartment that you’re using for WFH feel separate and nice and organized? Starting a new job so figure that I should up my WFH game
Coach Laura
A standing folding screen would be my pick. Picking a decorative one that matches your decor would allow you to have both a good zoom background and also to block it off when you’re not working. They have something to match any decor or budget – wood, shoji, lattice, fabric, painting – and from $75 up to the limit.
A pretty desk and a nice green plant – either on the floor or on a plant stand. A nice painting or print on the wall above the desk or family photos on the desk.
anon
My young child just received a non-fatal but devastating diagnosis. I feel like I can’t get myself unstuck. My work is being great about giving me time (though it’s a bad time from a career perspective) but I can’t just sit on the couch crying and aimlessly refreshing random websites forever. Any advice welcome. I probably should find a therapist but I have no idea how and it doesn’t feel like enough. I am so sad and so scared.
Anon
I’m so so sorry. Do you have friends you could outsource the therapist search to? I would be glad to do this for a friend. Heck, I’m sure if you post your geographic location some people here will be able to help you find one. So sorry, again.
Coach Laura
Yes, outsource finding a therapist to your sister, your neighbor or friends who offer to help – even multiple friends can work on this. That is a discrete task that can be easily handed off to one or more people who are probably feeling helpless but are willing to help you. I hope that your child has the best outcome and that your life settles down.
Walnut
omg – I’m so sorry.
Take your work flexibility as a gift and hand off literally everything you can. No one will be sad to give your work back if/when you have bandwidth. Career advancement sounds like the least of your problems right now.
Anonymous
I am so sorry. I wish you and your child the best.
Anna Nymous
Does your employer have an EAP? They can probably help you find therapists who are covered by your insurance and maybe set up initial appointments. They may also know of other resources available to you, like support groups.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Anonymous
First, lean out at work. It stinks, I know, but it has to happen. I am speaking as someone who was up for promotion this year and was diagnosed with cancer in January. Crap happens, and I needed focus on other things.
Second, can the team of docs recommend a therapist? Ask them first, as they may have specific recommendations with relevant experience. My cancer docs recommended a family therapist when one of my kids was not handling my diagnosis and treatment well—they’re not solely for the patient!
Finally, I am very sorry. Please don’t feel bad grieving the life you had thought you’d have.
Anonymous
Facebook can be great here — look for a local group of kids with special needs or if it’s a rare diagnosis then look to national groups. if it’s genetic some of the groups (22q) have huge presences and resources. my kid has a rare microdeletion and even they have a group for our general area of the US. finding others helps you see the lay of the land w/r/t your kid and treatments, outcomes, milestones, etc — and if you ask for a therapist rec for yourself in those groups you’re more likely to find a therapist who “gets” your issue. (the local groups will also help you assess providers/therapists for your kid.)
hugs. without specifics it’s hard to console you but it’s ok to be angry, fearful, depressed. one step at a time. don’t borrow worry and worry about 5-15 years from now. focus on the next six months.
Panda Bear
+1 to the suggestion of finding a support group or other parents of children and/or people living with the condition your child has. It can be so helpful to talk to people who’ve been through your experience.
Hugs to you and your little one!
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. I have a family member with a devastating diagnosis. You say the dx was just received but you can’t sit around “forever”. I would not shame yourself for not instantly getting over the diagnosis. Grief works on its own timetable, and I agree with the posters who say this is a season to lean out. I’d encourage you to think of this as a time for hibernation – gather your energy and use it where you need to (work may not be it).
Find a therapist, but even better – find a support group of other parents/loved ones of people with the diagnosis. They’ll help you SO MUCH.
Anonymous
I used a crisis therapist when we had a similar situation. She was on the referrals page from my healthcare provider for oncology adjunct services and was experienced with similar situations. She did short term therapy to help with the grief associated with a life changing diagnosis.
Anonymous
If you can, I’d recommend taking a break from screens for a while. At times like this, I find screens can feel addictive and wear me down even further. I get more benefit from gentle walks outside, sitting listening to beautiful music (and crying), being around running water or a lake, reading low-energy books (I tend to return to old favorite fiction books that don’t demand much from me), sometimes reruns of favorite old TV shows. In short, activities that give me a short mental break from the pain or heartbreak without requiring much of anything from me. (Scrolling/refreshing random websites quickly becomes depleting—a faux-break.)
NYNY
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your work is a blessing, because not everyone has that kind of flexibility. You’ve earned that, so please give yourself permission to use it.
I would also advise you to lean hard on your community now. Vent to us here and you will be supported. Reach out to nearby friends and family if you have them to help with research, meals, travel to appointments, whatever you need. And absolutely lean on your child’s medical team for support resources. You may feel overwhelmed right now, but you are not alone. If you’re comfortable posting more information about where you are or what the diagnosis is, you may have additional resources right here. But even if you aren’t, you have a lot of love and support.
Anon
I think that Welcome to Holland essay is no longer popular, but I found it really helpful when my son was diagnosed.
You just got this diagnosis. Cut yourself some slack. You are reeling and understandably so. It’s just going to take some time to come to acceptance.
I threw myself into researching my son’s disease (rare, chronic, but not immediately life threatening in most cases) and connecting with people online who either had the disease or were parents of someone with the disease. I read research papers. I found specialists, got a second opinion from one who just confirmed that we were on the right track. This was my way of dealing with it, to immerse myself in it, which helped me get to a place of acceptance.
But if this is a chronic thing for your child, another thing to remember is that it’s a marathon, not a race. You don’t have to frantically deal with anything. You can pace yourself and alternate days where you’re dealing with details of it with days where you promise yourself you’re going to worry about again it tomorrow, but today’s your day off.
Take care of yourself. Your child needs you to be the same mom you’ve always been. Hugs to you.
anon
Thank you everyone – I appreciate all of your kindness and will take these ideas to heart. (It’s been about a week since the diagnosis, which feels like both “just” and “forever”).
Cornellian
Holy crap. My XH had a car issue yesterday, and when I said I couldn’t do his (one weekly) pickup from daycare because I had a board meeting, he found friends to pick our preschooler up and drop them at XH’s apartment, and mentioned probably getting an Uber to mine. Cool.
When preschooler was not back at 7:30, I contacted XH. He said they were “walking” on a street that doesn’t actually exist. He insisted that’s where he was and that he was west of I-35 (a 12-18 lane highway). I told him to stay still I would come find them and to drop me a pin. He eventually said he was on a different street (a four-lane one with no sidewalk and a 45MPH limit), and then finally sent a pin. He was on a THIRD street, still a mile and a half from my house, with our preschooler on the side of the road in the dark. I know the crossing well because I used to bike there, and it’s sketchy as a grown adult in the daytime on a bike. there’s no sidewalk and no lights, and cars are merging on and off the highway. My fiance and I immediately drove there, and we also sent my friend who lives near by, and we found him. Kid was fine, if exhausted. I didn’t even say anything to XH because I didn’t want to speak out of anger or scare the kid.
I can’t tell if I’m being the crazy person, but who the f leaves (90 minutes later than they would need to) at dusk to walk a preschooler 3.something miles home across an interstate in the pitch black?! Do I need to limit his custody? He already just has 3-5 hour chunks, no overnights or weekends. Do I need to insist he get evaluated for something? I can’t think straight.
Anon
Yeah no that’s unacceptable. You’re not being crazy. In the future I would plan to have someone else reliable on hand if XH has a car issue because clearly he makes bad choices.
Anonymous
I don’t have any answers but I’m so sorry this happened, I would be furious.
Anonymous
I think you take it step by step. Start by communicating “why didn’t you take an Uber like you said you would or call me to do pickup at 7:30? Walking three miles after dark isn’t safe or age appropriate for kid.”
You can’t get someone evaluated for “making parenting choices you don’t agree with.” Communicate in writing so you have a record.
Anon
I would probably say something like, “Even though we are no longer married, you need to ask me for help when it comes to our kid’s safety. Walking three miles on a sidewalk in the dark on those streets is unsafe, and I would rather pay for your Uber both ways or pick up Kiddo than have this happen again.”
Cornellian
Yeah, that’s part of why I’m confused. I said I could come get kid/would be home if he needed to drop kid off. And he said he would uber. I have no idea where the change occurred, and it resulted in such a scary surprise situation.
Anon
You were married to this guy. What does he do when he’s stressed? What does he do when he feels like he’s failing?
Cornellian
I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I saw him do different things when he’s stressed or feels like he’s failing. Sometimes he’d put his head in the sand, sometimes he’d lash out, sometimes he’d handle it well.
I don’t think I can spend my life trying to avoid keeping him from getting stressed or failing, so I try not to get too in his head or make myself responsible for his feelings.
Anon
You know him better than we do, but it sounds like he was trying to hide it because he knows he messed up? If you trusted him before this, maybe just let it go? Yelling at someone who already feels bad just makes things worse. If it’s a long term pattern and you really don’t think your child is safe with him at all, then it’s a little different, though… then you’re more obligated to escalate.
Anonymous
I would already be freaking out just about the inappropriate car seat aspect of all of this (friend, Uber even) — definitely talk to your lawyer and consider a backup plan for daycare pickup/afternoon.
Anon
You can get a Uber with a car seat.
Cornellian
yeah, he did bring his carseat, thankfully. I think ubers with car seats are only a thing in NYC, unfortunately. At least I haven’t seen them anywhere else.
anonymous
This is “tough love”, but gently, you need to prioritize your child over a board meeting. It could be that you’re venting and exaggerating the circumstances (as we all tend to do when frustrated), but assuming your description is accurate, you’re in the wrong here. You allowed your child to be endangered in several ways (friend pickup and Uber–car seat?) and then wandering the streets with your XH. I’m not excusing your XH in any way (who, by the way, sounds awful; why his parenting time so severely limited?). But you frankly don’t look much better by prioritizing a board meeting over your child’s well-being and then leaving him endangered with an XH who you know to be a bad actor (and likely know even more than you let on here). When a child is in this situation, you stop whatever else is going on in your life, take charge, and go pick up the child yourself.
Cornellian
Definitely venting, but I think maybe I was unclear on the order of events? While I was in a board meeting (I’m an attorney for a state pension, and executive session is between representatives of the state, the board appointees, and their attorneys, with no tech, phones or recording), XH said his car light was on. He took his carseat with his friends and picked the child up at school. That part I’m not worried about.
It’s that instead of calling me to pick kid up after they hung out, or calling a friend, or putting the carseat in the uber (as agreed), he decided to embark on a two+ hour trek across a highway in the dark with no preparation, and then didn’t even seem to know where they were.
AugNon
WTH. Is there any background that makes this story more understandable? Like he have been drinking or lost his license or …. to explain what might have happened? That seems like a series of questionable decisions.
Cornellian
No background that I have. He generally is poor at planning and creates emergencies (it was really amazing how much less crisis-filled my life was post-divorce), but he’s not a big drinker, he has his license, he saw the kid earlier in the week in his car. Aside from ridiculously poor judgment and pride, the only thing I can think of is that I mentioned a few days ago our kid was enjoying occasionally walking to school with me (but that’s a 25 minute walk in daylight) and XH thought… I should do that too?
Anon
I am so sorry for the stress you went through! Is this an isolated incident or does he show poor judgment in other ways related to your preschooler? Regardless, his behavior was not ok but I would calibrate my reaction a bit, depending on the answer to this question.
Cornellian
I don’t know. Not isolated, but this seems next level. He pretty routinely forgets which camp or school his son is in, because he doesn’t update his calendar, even if I send him a calendar invite with “Kid in Camp X at Address Y, 9-2” filled in. I think the only way he would remember is if I told him orally five times, managed his calendar for him, and then called him 30 minutes before and sent him directions from his current location to the camp. And he would still show up half the time.
I feel like I’m playing whack a mole with dumb/dangerous parenting ideas he has. I can never predict what the next one is. Like now I’ve specified that he should not walk the child across a highway at night, so next time he’ll put him on a rental scooter or something instead. It’s an awful balance to be hanging in. I’d love to have a competent co parent, or no co parent, but instead I have this mixture where he insists he wants to parent, but shows up and does it safely like 40% of the time and lets me deal with the blowback.
Anon
Helpful additional information. Are there “how to be a parent” resources out there? Does he have friends who are good parents who he can model?
Cornellian
I don’t think so re: friends but maybe I should look for other resources, that’s a good idea. I had looked for “coaches” but it seems to be mostly around how to work with kids’ behavioral issues, not be reactive, etc. Our four year old is (in the scheme of things) pretty well-behaved. Honestly it’s like dad needs a class. “When you’re taking your white haired blue-eyed two-year old to a picnic in Texas, you need to apply sunscreen and bring water.” My non-parent fiance understands this innately, but XH does not.
I was overfunctioning in our marriage, but it seems like he’s gotten even worse/has totally abdicated responsibility.
Anon
How common is needing a breast biopsy? I’m scheduling my third one in 7 years (and Im not yet 30!) so it’s become normal to me, but I’m realizing none of my friends have had one.
Anon
If you have dense lumpy breast tissue or a history of breast cancer in your family your doctor may be being much more cautious. Because it’s pretty abnormal to have that many in such a short period.
Anon
This current biopsy is because part of it looks like a fibroadenoma, but not entirely. Family history is for ovarian and prostate cancers, but not breast – though I”m still recommended to get genetic testing.
Normally I”m pretty relaxed about needing the biopsies, but for whatever reason I’m worried about this one (really, I think it’s fatigue over the past 18 months and this is just another thing I have to deal with and I’m exhausted). But, not having any friends who have gone through this at all is not helping. Even my friends who know they have BRCA haven’t had as much breast related appointments and follow ups as I have.
Anon
Ovarian and prostate cancer have risks for breast cancer, too.
Is it a tubular adenoma?
Anon
No, they don’t know what it is hence the biopsy.
Panda Bear
I had one in my mid-30s. I have very dense breast tissue and come from a a high risk family. I also started doing mammos in my late 20’s, which isn’t common – but like you, that became normal to me given my risk factors.
PSA -- Murdaugh
Very good article on this in today’s WSJ. Some nuggets that I had not known before (despite great Daily Mail coverage).
Coach Laura
Yes, read this yesterday and it’s the best of the articles and news reports – really pulls it all together in a way that seems supportable.
Anon
Any way to read without a subscription?
Anon
Most convenience stores (our Walgreens and Harris Teeter in a flyover area) will have it and newsstands. I’d pay for it. It’s good.
Coach Laura
If you have university or college library access, it is usually available online. Otherwise, you can get it for free if a subscriber shares it with you.
Ayr Jeans?
Any experience with Ayr jeans?
Anonymous
Condo shopping question! I really want in-unit W/D. If a unit doesn’t have that currently, is there a way to add it? I asked my realtor who didn’t know. This is a red flag, so I’m also looking for a new realtor. Boston area, if anyone has recommendations.
LaurenB
Is there a condo association? They should know what the condos can handle from an electrical / plumbing standpoint, especially if this is a vintage condo / apartment building. You may be restricted to either electric or gas and not have a choice.
LaurenB
Additionally, consider – if this is a condo that has a shared laundry room and they make money off it, they may not allow it because they don’t want to lose that revenue source. For older buildings, it may also be that it is allowed on some floors / apartments and not in others. My personal belief is that if the condo association doesn’t give you a quick answer yay or nay, that they’ve decided against it and it will be a hassle getting them to change their mind.
Cat
Yes, this. (We previously owned a condo in a midcentury building and in-unit W-D were not allowed, partly because utilities were billed by square footage rather than actual usage and it wouldn’t be fair, partly for the difficulty of installing them safely, and partly because the building had a large shared laundry room that earned them $.)
Cornellian
It’ll depend on the building, both physically and their condo documents. If there’s no washer/dryer there now, I suspect it may not be set up for one plumbing-wise, but no harm in asking.
Anonymous
The condo might have the W/D connection but not the actual W/D, which means you could just buy your own. If the condo doesn’t have the connection then the landlord is unlikely to have it installed. Idk exactly how that works but I would assume it’s somewhat involved, you need a vent and drain and such.
Anonymous
I posted separately, sorry idk why I assumed you were looking for a rental, that’s totally not what you said, reading comprehension fail. So to give a little more detail – I know of people moving their WD from like the basement to the main floor, so yes it’s possible to install the connection. Usually they take up a linen closet near the bathroom so your near a water line. I think you need a vent to the outside, not sure how that works with a condo building. You might try calling Home Depot or Lowes to see if they can refer you to a contractor who does this kind of work and can give you an idea of cost and what you’d need to look for. You’re right that it’s concerning your realtor doesn’t know this, usually I’d tell you to ask your realtor for a referral to a contractor.
No Problem
The thing is, “is there a way to add it” is going to be 100% dependent on the building. No realtor is going to know that for all the buildings you’re looking at. Some buildings just might not allow it, or might not be able to support it for all the reasons others have given. The realtor should be willing to contact the condo association to find out before you explore certain buildings. But absent it being forbidden, yes, it’s possible to add a W/D if you’re willing to pay for the plumbing, electrical, and venting work that needs to be done if there isn’t already a hookup.
Anonymous
This will vary building to building, so if you see a unit you otherwise really like, ask to see the HOA docs and if it’s not there, your agent can ask the HOA.
Anon
Some condo association do not allow, period. A friend had this situation and the reasons focused on avoiding flooding to lower floor units (highrise).
Pregnancy
Made it to the second trimester! With working from home, I was planning to tell work after the next OB appointment, sometime between 18-20 weeks, do people think that is too late? Don’t want to irritate my manager by not giving her enough notice. First pregnancy, will be 36 at time of birth but no other high risk factors yet.
Anon
18-20 weeks is a fine time to tell them. I wouldn’t wait much later. Congratulations!!
Cornellian
I told at about 20 weeks. I wouldn’t just tell them though, I would think more about communicating what you want and expect regarding clients, leave, etc, if relevant to your job.
Pregnancy
This is a great call out – I’m in house but hadn’t even thought about how I can come in prepared with suggestions for leave coverage. Thank you!
Small Wedding
Has anyone here had a morning/afternoon wedding, or been to one?
The plan is to do a private ceremony (kid, parents & siblings* only) followed by a reception at a restaurant for about 30-50 people; no dancing. One of us has a child from a prior relationship, and many of our friends have children (toddler-elementary age), so it’s going to be a very kid-friendly wedding (which is what we want!).
My dream ceremony location only does tiny wedding ceremonies at 9am — the tiny part is perfect but the time is not ideal. My thought is, ceremony at 9, followed by photos on the grounds of location, [does something else go here…? maybe photos at another location?], then restaurant reception noon-3? 4?. Maybe an afterparty in the evening for the adults (without the kids and elderly) at a bar (~20 people max)? I can envision the ceremony and reception, but I’m having trouble understanding the timeline. What kind of dress would you wear as a bride for a wedding like this? Floor length gown with a train seems… off somehow.
Almost all guests live locally, except some elderly relatives will be driving from about 3 hours away for the reception. We are not looking to do a Weekend Of Wedding Events.
Would appreciate all thoughts!
*don’t worry, all siblings will be included!
Anon
I think a ceremony at 9am is a lot to ask of people.
Anon
Plus a ceremony at 9am, followed by a reception, followed by an afterparty, is an extremely long day for your guests (and you). Don’t forget you’d have to be up super early to do hair and makeup.
Cornellian
She said ceremony is just parents and their kid, so I wouldn’t be worried about that.
OP- I don’t know how long your ceremony will take but I would be thinking more like an 11 o clock meal,a nd go in the brunch direction. If you want to do an evening thing, I would do that the night before.
Anonymous
I would wear a knee length white dress, have the ceremony at 9, then do photos, brunch at 11. No after party to me that’s silly in the context of the wedding you described. I wouldn’t fix an end time for brunch with the guests but a wedding with no dancing does not last 4 hours. People will likely start heading out at 1 and be done by 2.
Anon
I’ve been to one morning wedding with a brunch reception. I love breakfast food and don’t care about dancing, so I thought it was great. It was a while ago, so I’m a little foggy on details, but I think the wedding and reception were at the same location, one right after the other, starting at 10 or 11 am?
Cat
I’d wear a tea length dress – Amsale has one that’s been following me around Insta for a week (not sure why as well past the wedding stage here) advertising a stunning one!
Anonymous
Your plan sounds lovely. Take a look at BHLDN dresses, I feel like their vibe would match what you’re going for. I wouldn’t hesitate to have a floor length gown if that’s what you want, it’s your wedding! You’re allowed to be as fancy (or not) as you want!
Ymmv but I would probably not plan to go out to a bar at night, that sounds like a really long day. You could do a beer garden type set up in the afternoon with lawn games and stuff for the kids.
Anonymous
I would.plan for an 11 am brunch or early lunch reception, then have either suggested or organized optional activities for the afternoon and an adults-only evening gathering at a bar. People can decide what to participate in after the early reception.
roxie
You’d be asking people to spend literally all day – from 7am or so depending on how long to get themselves and the kids dressed and travel – until nighttime for your small wedding? I would be annoyed.
Anon
I got married for the first time right out of college. I had a tiny church wedding at 10 or 11 am and then a gathering at my parents’ house immediately after.
I don’t remember exact times but I know it was early enough that there was enough time for us (the newlyweds) to change clothes, drive an hour + to a cabin, and go to dinner at a local inn, just the two of us. I think we just served a light lunch (finger food) and cake at my parents’ house.
From what I can tell, this was a fairly normal wedding schedule in the old days and similar to how my grandparents and parents got married.
Senior Attorney
My first two weddings were morning ceremonies (11:30 a.m.) with brunch receptions. I wore a full-on big white dress with train for the first one and a tea-length less formal off-white lacy dress for the second one. For 9 a.m. I’d probably wear a simpler dress. Or, as people keep suggesting here, how about a bridal jumpsuit?
Most recent wedding I was in a similar situation to you — church was only available at 11 a.m. but I wanted an evening party. So we did 11 a.m. ceremony, luncheon reception with music but no dancing at a club within walking (parading!) distance of the church, then did a dance party with DJ in the evening. I wore a floorlength lacy emerald green dress (wedding gown style but not color, no train) for the daytime festivities and a short party dress for the evening party.
Anonymous
I had a morning wedding. Everything was at one place that had a small chapel on site and a nice outdoors area so people could spread out and mingle and kids could run around during downtime. I think the ceremony started at 10. Then we had lots of heavy apps passed around for about 45 minutes while we did photos. Then lunch and cake and we were probably done by about 2. It was low-key and I wouldn’t change a thing. I wore a floor length gown with a short train, because that’s what I wanted to do, but I agree a morning wedding is generally less formal and something shorter is probably more fitting.
anon a mouse
I’ve been to one morning wedding. It was later than 9 — I think it was at 10:30? It didn’t feel to onerous to get everyone ready and there on time. After the short ceremony there was a champagne toast and light nibbles for lunch. I drank a lot of champagne and went home and had a glorious nap, highly endorse.
I think you want a simple dress – you could do long but then it needs to be unfussy on the details, or if you want a lot of fuss (lace, trims, etc) you should keep the silhouette and length simpler. If you look on BHLDN at their “city hall bride” section you might be inspired. Congratulations!
Anonymous
I went to a small wedding ~5 years ago, about 40 people. Ceremony was at 4 ish at a botanic garden, then there was a slight downtime for some simple snacks/socializing after at a local hotel before going to the restaurant next door for the full meal at 6. I think you could move that up into a morning timeline, either have the restaurant reception at 1-2 or have a light tea/coffee/snack at 10-11ish for guests before a more substantial meal in the afternoon. The bride at the wedding I went to wore a full length gown but no train.
anon
I was an attendee at a sunrise wedding. There were approximately a dozen attendees at the ceremony–parents, siblings, DH and me, and maybe one other friend. DH and I had a 6 week old, so we were up every 2 hours and tired all the time anyways. The reception was around 10 am, so there was a gap between the ceremony and reception. I think I went home, nursed, and napped. The reception was a catered brunch at a historic home, with most of the party being held outside. The reception was really lovely and fun. There were mimosas. And they had pie instead of cake for dessert. I believe the bride wore a tea-length dress, but tbh, I don’t remember. If there was an after party later that day, DH and I did not attend.
Anon
Honestly, that sounds lovely to me as a morning person. I’d much rather attend your 10 am party than your 8 pm party! (But really, for friends I’m going to be there with bells on no matter when.)
Anon
I’m also planning a daytime very small wedding (elopement with just the two of us) and have been stuck on the what to wear question as well. I think I have looked at every single white dress on the internet. My first thought was not to do a long dress because that’s weird in the daytime and I ordered a couple to try on, but then I thought they weren’t going to be special enough. So, I just ordered this, which I think is simple enough for the daytime but also special and I’m happy it has long sleeves because I’m getting married in November. Now I am quitting obsessive dress shopping cold turkey (but not necessarily obsessive shoe and accessory shopping. I need help.) https://www.becandbridge.com/products/moon-dance-l-s-maxi-dress-ivory
Anon
You must have a rockin’ bod!
Anon
I had a morning wedding. A lot of thoughts:
It will be HARD to get ready by 9 am. I was up at 6 for my 10:30 am ceremony. Bridal hair and makeup takes about two hours (an hour for each), and it is not easy to find anyone willing to do your hair and makeup at that hour. I paid extra to get a spa/salon to open early. There were three of us (me, two bridesmaids) and 3 stylists, and it still took over two hours.
Ask me how I know this: anyone in your family who feels the need to be dolled up will ask to join in the hair/makeup, because they will not be able to find anywhere open early enough to accommodate them. This will throw a massive monkey wrench into the works.
How long does your ceremony take? Our religious ceremony took about 35 minutes: 3 readings from the Bible, songs, pastor’s homily, vows, kiss. A specifically Catholic ceremony will take about an hour. Several of the non-religious ceremonies that I’ve been to take about 15-20 minutes.
When are you going to eat that morning? Is there any way you can get your parents and siblings a light meal for after the ceremony and before pictures?
Move your brunch reception to 11 am.
X
We did morning ceremony followed by brunch. All done by noon!
Anonymous
If you want an evening event, I’d do brunch immediately after the ceremony with just the people involved in the ceremony, then have a small reception in the evening with all guests. No afterparty.
Anon
I got married at 2 p.m., we had heavy “high tea” style finger foods, cake and champagne afterward, and went out to dinner with a select group of our friends later that night (around 8) and then ended up going out dancing after that. I wore a floor-length dress (it was actually a prom dress I found on sale that fit really nicely and looked dressy without being froofy, which was tough to find back in those days) with a waist-length veil, but I was also in my 20s at the time and it was the 1990s, so take that into account. My husband and his groomsmen wore suits, no tuxes; my bridesmaids wore day dresses (both ended up being calf length) in colors they chose that went with the overall theme. It was a great time and a great day.
I am not a morning person, so would not do a 9 a.m. wedding myself, but I don’t think your plan sounds crazy or out-of-bounds or anything – if you can get the timeline nailed down. I would think about doing the wedding and then a brunch reception at noon, then making plans to meet up with people later that night for the “afterparty.” You could do a ton of fun and tasty things with brunch food at a wedding reception. As for dresses, I would do a tea-length or knee-length fancy dress in whatever color you feel comfortable and fabulous wearing.
Anonymous
Morning wedding, then photos, then wedding breakfast or brunch. And call it a day.
I’d wear a blush pink or champagne dress.