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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This “radiant gold” top from Ann Taylor feels autumnal, but still cheery. I like the shirred-seam details at the shoulders and sleeves to add a little visual interest to the blouse.
This color would look fabulous with just about any neutral — I would probably wear it with a navy or gray suit for a business formal look.
The top is $79.50 full price at Ann Taylor and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL. With code ANNVIP, it comes down to $47.70.
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I screwed something up with respect to health insurance and it’s going to be very expensive. I am so mad and upset with myself.
But also, why does adulthood so often feel like a tight wire act where if you aren’t perfect you end up crashing to the ground.
Anonymous
That seems to be life not just for adults but also for kids these days. One mistake and you are sunk. High-stakes testing, expectation of straight As, collateral consequences even for traffic tickets, cancel culture, insurance gotchas, the list goes on and on. The mistake doesn’t even have to be your own.
You don’t have to take this bill lying down, though. Appeal it to the insurance company. Get any coding and billing errors corrected. Negotiate with the provider for a discount if the bill is truly not covered by insurance. Find an advocate to help. Submit the bill to one of those media projects that investigates unreasonable bills.
anonymous
Grow up. “CANCEL CULTURE” is just holding people responsible (typically, for the first time ever) for their racism. All white people are racist, so if anything, the main downside of “cancel culture” is that it’s not applied broadly enough.
Anonymous
Now this comment is the definition of irony.
Don’t attack me please
Depends on how you’re using the term “cancel culture.” I am 100% in favor of not tolerating racism and have no sympathy for people who are “cancelled” for due to racist comments, etc. I also think as a society we need to give a little more grace on other issues and need to give people room to make mistakes, learn from them, and change. Both things can be true, and are.
Seventh Sister
Of course it depends on the person, but a journalist I really admire (Kim Masters) pointed out that there is a way back for a lot of famous people who get canceled. Deliberately lower one’s profile, have influential friends who talk you up behind the scenes as someone who is actually a great person, do a bunch of charity work, take small roles prestige projects, and boom! You’re uncanceled after a few years. E.g., Mel Gibson, Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr.
Trixie
I thought this topic was about insurance?
Anon
This is just so not true.
Anon
I think when our screw ups help them make money, they do their best to make it easy to do. Multiply this by every possible scenario where this is true. And think about what happens when it’s the health insurance company who screws up vs. when it’s us.
anon
I don’t know, but I also made a mistake with my health insurance this year that cost my family a few thousand dollars. We chose Plan A, which has a $1000 deductible plus copays and an $8000 out of pocket limit, over Plan B, which had a $3000 deductible and $3000 out of pocket limit. We misunderstood which visits would be subject to copay vs. which visits would be subject to a deductible, but it’s pretty clear now we’d have been better off with Plan B. Quite honestly, I still don’t understand why my son’s play therapy is subject to the deductible while his occupational therapy is subject to the copay. We also didn’t realize that the medication our kid was taking fell under Tier 3, which is subject to an outrageously high copay. We examined the insurance company’s chart and found his medication on Tier 1 before selecting the plan, but apparently that was only for the tablet form, and the liquid form was on Tier 3, even as a generic. DH placed emergency calls to our doctor to get the medication prescribed in tablet form, and then taught our then-5-year-old how to swallow pills. (Kid’s a champ now.)
I’m a healthcare lawyer. I understand medical terminology and insurance terminology better than the average person and review contracts for a living. I spent about 3 hours examining the available plans and the benefits under each, to the extent the information was accessible. And I still screwed it up. The insurance companies are intentionally opaque, and it’s really like playing the house–they’re always going to win in the end.
anne-on
This. I’m taking a new job and I nearly did a spit take when the recruiter informed me my out of pocket costs for health/vision/dental insurance for just me are fully covered and it’s about $30/month for our whole family. I’m currently using my time off in between roles to hound United Healthcare to get them to reimburse us something, anything for my son’s OT that we paid for out of pocket because the one place with openings doesn’t take any insurance. Ugh.
anon@10:42
Yeah, we’ve had the same fight with our insurance company. You should be able to at least get out-of-network reimbursement. Based on my experience, I wouldn’t bother challenging on inadequate-network grounds and just enjoy your time off.
Anokha
It drives me insane. Also a healthcare lawyer, and I’ve given up trying to decipher the plans to maximize cost savings. It feels like this should be a problem technology could fix: input your anticipated health care costs, and have it spit out what the best plan is for you. But because plans vary so drastically between employers, it’s hard to think of a scalable solution.
Anonymous
Every year at open enrollment time I make a spreadsheet that does this for all the plan options and different levels of health care consumption.
Anonymous
There is a software that does this called ALEX, but it is licensed to employers, not individuals.
anon
The hoops you have to jump through with insurance these days is insane. My mom does medical insurance billing for a living, and I helped her with work part time as a teen, so I understand it relatively well, but if I didn’t have that background, I’d be lost. The playing the house analogy is so apt.
Seventh Sister
It is just like a casino! I have had the same insurance for @ 20 years, and while it’s good, there’s always some “gotcha.” The doctors and the hospital did everything right for a big surgery, but somehow, I was supposed to know that something given DURING SURGERY was out of plan and boom, $1000 out of pocket.
anon
Boy, your last sentence sums it up perfectly.
Anon
I’m so sorry and I can relate. One question is whether you are sure you are wrong and not an error by the insurance company. Your state insurance commissioner may be helpful if it’s the company’s mistake and they won’t fix it.
anon
Definitely appeal the issue- get your doctor and your HR involved, if they’re able and you feel comfortable doing so. I had a 10k bill reversed after my doctor and HR got involved, but also, the doctor was willing to reduce it to the cash pay price and set up a payment plan of $200/month if we didn’t get it reversed.
Anon
A relative’s kid had Covid in college last fall and got a shot in the spring and due to things (relatives he spent the summer with who do believe that if you had Covid you don’t need the shot/s) never got a second shot. My only influence is that kid has graduated and wants to enter my profession (which has come around to mandating vaccines). I have two asks for you all:
1. Good materials specifically saying to get the shots even if you have had Covid. Google has not helped with this.
2. Since kid has waited so long, does the time clock restart? Should kid just get J&J at this point?
I told someone that how my company verifies shots will involve looking at dates of shots, so at some point people will have a bit of a black mark or seem like a nutter now that there is FDA full clearance. I would not bother with a first-job hire who hasn’t yet had shots (they would not be allowed into the office for two weeks after final shots anyway) if there were fungible candidates who could come in on day 1.
Cora
#1 is the 2nd FAQ on the CDC page https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/faq.html
https://www.mayoclinic.org/coronavirus-covid-19/vaccine-if-already-had-covid
https://whyy.org/articles/what-immunity-did-having-covid-19-give-me-do-i-still-need-a-vaccine/
Cat
Your company sounds obnoxious. What they should be doing- a limited number of people in HR have access to the actual vaccine records, and no one else needs to know when or how someone got their shots, just that they have received them.
Anon
I am pretty sure that no one outside of HR would know. But yes, I want everyone to get their shots. And yes, I reserve some side-eye if the date is seasons later than it could have been. There is a reason ERs are diverting patients now and it isn’t the people who got their shots ASAP (or reasonably soon thereafter).
Cat
My point is, you the hiring manager should not need to know exactly when someone received them, thus eliminating your potential to side-eye. (I got mine as soon as I was able to, so not speaking out of personal defensiveness here.)
Anon
The only person I have hired is our summer nanny, so I knew her status but to hire someone for the school year I would have really question whether someone who hadn’t gotten shots by now has good enough judgment to care for my children. Plus, I wouldn’t want them in my house until they were fully done + 2 weeks. Businesses are different (like I don’t know if coworkers are citizens or green card holders or what, same with being vaxxed) and I don’t need to. Someone does the screening.
Cat
ok Anon you literally said “I told someone that how my company verifies shots…” so… way to change the story.
anon
You have a pretty big sense of entitlement to think that you’re the one who gets to decide when it was reasonable for people to get their vaccines. I have an autoimmune condition and waited a few months until there was some data to assess whether the shot may cause a flare. This was done on the advice of my doctor. My OB recommended that women wait until their second trimester to get the vaccine. So those of us who got pregnant In February or March were advised to wait until May or June. None of this is your business so you should consider being a little less judgmental.
Anon
You do get that this is not directed at you but to the vanilla people dragging their feet or outright refusing?
Cat
Anon, the only way you could possibly decide whether someone is “vanilla” is by obtaining health details that you have zero right to possess. I get the instinct to judge but um… maybe don’t do anything illegal k?
Anonymous
Oh my god simmer down Cat
Walnut
+1 I was undergoing chemotherapy when my age group was eligible to be vaccinated. I was a bit delayed in vaccination until chemo wrapped up and my bloodwork started to bounce back.
I’m happy that you had prompt vaccine access and a life situation that enabled you to get the shot quickly. My primary focus at the time was not dying from cancer, which is certainly not information you would know as the hiring manager.
Cora
For the second shot it says you should just get it, but idk if that changes since it has been so long? https://www.houstonmethodist.org/blog/articles/2021/mar/what-happens-if-i-miss-my-second-dose-of-covid-19-vaccine/
Idk if jobs will look at dates, they’ll just want to know that you’re fully vaccinated and the 2 weeks have passed
anon
Are you looking for this information to pass along to him? If I were you I’d stay out of it. This college graduate is able to Google the information himself and make his own decisions.
Anon
I think it is fair to tell someone that many jobs require people to be fully-vaccinated. I mean, it is all over the news but kids probably don’t read newspapers or listed to NPR. Especially if it is a health-care field or any sort of government work. Most colleges are requiring it this fall.
Anon
I thought recovering from COVID plus getting one dose of vaccine produced better immunity than getting both doses of the vaccine anyway. Does “fully vaccinated” mean “best possible immunity” or does it mean “checked the boxes for two doses of the vaccine”?
Ribena
There are some European countries (France maybe???) where if you had Covid one dose of the vaccine ‘counts’ as fully jabbed. I can see how if you’re not following the news closely you’d assume that’s enough
A+ Fed
It’s check the boxes here in the US. Immunity from prior infection seems to be ignored everywhere.
Anonymous
Lol “kids these days” know news
Anon
Maybe? Maybe some? But we have a lot of adults making bad decisions (school boards waiving masks and any quarantine for close contact exposures) and I dont know that all kids are doing any better than all grownups at this point. Our county might be half-vaxxed and we are one of the better ones in our area.
Anon
Actually there is a lot of evidence that Covid infection + 1 shot of mRNA is better than 2 shots of mRNA. Natural infection and vaccination build different kinds of immunity and the combination is almost certainly better than either alone. Eric Topol has talked about this a lot with cites to journal articles. I’m extremely cautious about Covid and I would consider someone who had confirmed, symptomatic Covid and one shot of an mRNA vaccine to be fully vaccinated (for purposes of interacting with my unvaxxed kids).
Anon
Thank you. The vaccines work by reducing the likelihood that you die or wind up on a ventilator, not by avoiding infection.
Anon
They do both. I wasn’t implying vaccines offer no protection against infection and I still hope I can avoid Covid infection completely, especially with booster shots and shots for kids coming soon. But her kid has already had Covid so that’s moot, and it’s definitely true that infection-acquired immunity is worth something, especially when combined with even a single dose of vaccine.
Anon
I mean that’s nice? But most employers aren’t going to accept that. You can’t verify that someone had Covid, but you can verify they followed the shot protocol. And it’s not like the second shot will hurt you.
Anon
This.
Anon
But she’s not an employer, she’s his relative (step mom I think based on prior posts). I agree it’s reasonable for an employer to still demand two shots because it’s more verifiable, but that’s between this kid and his employer.
Anon
The clock doesn’t restart. It seems like longer spacing between the two doses is actually better. 3/4 weeks was just used because that’s what they did in the trials, and the trials used such a short timeframe because they were trying to get results quickly not because that spacing was better for immunity. The countries that spaced the shots out 3 months are seeing more durable immunity than the US and Israel, which did the shorter timeline.
Anonymous
This. Our province originally scheduled 3-4 month intervals which is most consistent with traditional vaccine schedules as we had no community spread. They allowed shorter intervals once the 4th wave picked up last month. Will be interesting to see how the longer intervals affect or don’t affect long term efficacy.
Anon
They should just get the second shot, but once they’re fully vaccinated, there’s no reason this should be held against them and there’s some evidence that the extended interval between shots might actually lead to a better immune response than doing them close together. This is especially true for someone who actually had covid- some people were telling people who had covid to only get one shot or to wait a certain amount of time after being infected, in part to conserve doses when they were really limited. Obviously that’s no longer the case, but I can see why someone might have been a little confused. Just get the second shot and stop worrying about it.
Anonymous
This sounds similar to the post about an adult stepchild from a few weeks ago. I don’t think you can control what they decide to do, and it doesn’t seem like you have a strong enough relationship to influence their vaccination decisions.
CHL
Does anyone have the Modern Citizen Aster pants? Was wondering how formal they are and how sizing runs. Thanks!
forever kn95
Any other NYC government employees here not enjoying the first week of no-more-remote-work-option? Sigh.
anonshmanon
Seriously? They brought everyone back completely?
Anon
Yes, on two weeks notice. Some agency heads (who coincidentally have other beefs with the mayor) are openly defying the mayor and letting everyone remote work (and tweeting about it), but everyone was told around 9/1 that it’s 5 days in person starting 9/13 with no remote option unless you have active covid. A few days later they backed down and said you can remote work if your child’s school/daycare is closed due to covid, but it has to be approved by HR (not your manager) and you have to provide documentation. We’ve had 2 breakthrough cases so far.
Anon
Look for something else, that’s bananas.
Anonymous
Why is it bananas that city government employees work in person?
Anon
+1. If you’re fully vaccinated and wear a mask, you’ll most likely be fine. Not every job can be done remotely (speaking as a school counselor who saw students suffer during remote learning.) Some government officials have to be available for processing childcare vouchers, food stamps, DCF workers etc.
Anon
Because they have obviously been working remotely and can do the job that way. Making people go back 100% of the time and not offering a hybrid option is totally out of step, and so is not letting people WFH easily during delta. I’d expect a lot of people to quit.
forever kn95
Those who needed to be in person already were. I am someone who has some duties that cannot be performed remotely and I was in my office several times in March and April 2020, when the whole city looked empty and post-apocalyptic. I’ve also been in every time I’ve needed to do anything in person, averaging 2 days a week since then. This is true of every single city employee who has in person duties. The new directive is new only for those whose jobs could be performed remotely and for those of us who have been working hybrid (in person as needed) schedules.
anonshmanon
Yeah, this is not a COVID issue (assuming that the NYC govt is highly vaxxed and masking responsibly). This is just a ridiculously rigid return to a butt-in-seats culture that is not warranted and in today’s job market, out-of-touch.
forever kn95
I’m 2 years away from hitting 20 years for my pension (which also comes with some health benefits after age 65) so it’s really tough to walk away. Tons of people are quitting though.
No Face
In that situation, I would stay for the two years and quit the hot second you get your pension. But I would not go over and above during those two years.
PLB
Congratulations! Hang in there, you’re so close!
Pandemic Muscles
Reposting from late yesterday:
I need work top recommendations from you wonderful people. Over the last year I have been consistently lifting heavy with a hypertrophy focus and I’m so pleased with the muscle gains I’ve made, in particular in my chest, upper back and shoulders. However, all of my work tops are now pulling just above the bust and arm holes for some sleeveless tops are too small. I’m used to sizing up to accommodate a larger bust. Is that the solution here or is there a particular cut that flatters a more muscular build? Thank you!
Anon
I had the same problem after lifting for a year. Sizing up solved the problem.
anon
Just size up in your tops
Texas
I think the solution is to size up and then tailor down if necessary. But beyond that, huge congratulations to you for this accomplishment! I love seeing women talk about gaining muscle and being happy with the results. It takes regular dedicated time in the gym to do what you’ve done. I’m super impressed.
anon
I have a very muscular upper body, but am super flat chested and short torsoed (by which I mean, many tops are really long on me). Sizing up doesn’t really work for me. I’ve found that sleeveless, flutter sleeves, and drop shoulders accommodate my build well. No more tight across the armpits. I also generally find that higher necked things are more flattering on me – halters, boatneck, etc., but I think that is more about the flat chest than the muscle.
Ribena
My internet provider has gone down across the entire city. Excellent…
On the other hand, forced offline time is an excellent opportunity to do a proper inbox clean up. Sorted by subject line, I’ve reached almost the end of C and filed/deleted 750 messages and counting.
Anon
?
Ribena
Reached 1,500 (about 16% of the whole) and slowly losing the will to continue… this’ll teach me not to let it get out of control in future!
eertmeert
Nice! I always sort by sender, so I can trash the promo emails first then go about filing the rest. I get a lot of daily emails that I don’t always delete promptly. By subject works too!
I did this earlier this week – is satisfying.
Anonymous
I’m thinking about getting a new wedding ring bc I never liked my old one. Would you get the ring blessed in some way? We were married in a civil ceremony and don’t attend Mass.
anon
I mean, is religion in some form part of your life? If not, I’m not sure why you would?
Cat
My DH lost his ring swimming. We didn’t exactly repeat our vows when I put the replacement on his finger but we did take a moment to be meaningful about it. If you’re not religious I am not sure why you’d need more blessing than that!
Anon
No, but I have several wedding rings at the moment and am not in the slightest bit sentimental about the actual ring.
LaurenB
? If this were meaningful to you, you’d already know it.
Shelle
How about getting it engraved with a special message?
Of Counsel
Do you care about the religious tradition in which. the ring is blessed? Do you care if it is Christian? Your use of “Mass” makes me think you might be Catholic and I don’t think they would do that for someone not married in the Church. However you could try emailing your local Episcopal churches. They will probably want to talk to you about why but I am sure my priest would do it.
I am not sure about non Christian faiths but maybe Buddhists or Wiccans?
anon
I’m Episcopalian – I think my priest would do it if the OP were a Christian. I don’t know that my priest would do it if the OP professes no religious faith or a religious faith that is pretty divergent from Christianity. Generally there is a desire to ensure, when the priest is performing religious offices, that the priest and the person in question have a shared understanding of what’s happening and why it’s happening. So yeah, they would want to talk to her about it, and at least at my parish (which is quite liberal, btw) the answer would not necessarily be yes. That being said – OP, if you’re asking this question and you’re not currently a person of faith, it makes me wonder if you’re maybe seeking something from a religious perspective? Maybe it’s bigger than the ring?
Senior Attorney
I would probably have my husband present it to me (actually put it on my finger) using either the exact words from our wedding ceremony, or something similar. “With this ring I thee wed” sort of thing.
Anon
Well, I didn’t but I’m also an atheist. I have three different rings that I rotate through that are all my wedding rings.
Paging Diamonds
Paging the poster asking about Vrai + Oro diamonds yesterday – I actually have the same earrings you’re considering buying (or whatever the version was two years ago) and have worn them pretty much everyday for the past two years. They’ve held up beautifully and I’d definitely recommend them. One thing I wish they had were screw on backs, but they have fairly secure backs and I’ve never had one fall off (per their recommendations I wear them in the shower, etc. and take them on/off as rarely as possible).
Anon
Fwiw, I think screw in backs are the most uncomfortable things ever. As long as they stay securely on, you’re fine.
Diamonds
Ah excellent thank you!
Anone
Or you can buy locking earring backs from Am*zon
anon
You can buy locking backs for earrings on Amazon- they’re a gamechanger for me, and I like them better than my screw on studs.
Paging Diamonds
Had no idea these were a thing – thanks!
anon for this
Seeking wisdom from any of the hive who are married to someone with severe financial anxiety. My DH grew up in a very poor household (think multiple bankruptcies, skipping meals, etc). He has always been frugal to a fault, but he also really enjoys finding a bargain. In 2008 he lost his job and after a year of unemployment he followed his dream to graduate school. We had several very lean years with zero or negative net worth as I was supporting us, but he has since found great success. We both are well-compensated, save a ton, and now have a significant 7-figure net worth.
The issue? Time. We now have two small children and he cannot give up his need to find the best deal on everything. For example, he recently spent an entire evening going to four different stores to find the best price on sneakers. The net savings was $8. 15 years ago $8 would have been a huge savings, but it’s just not now, and our time is more valuable. It’s like this with everything — appliances, vacations, clothing, etc. I’m completely over it and need him to be more present for me and the kids. We already use YNAB and he knows the money is there. Suggestions for how to help him realize that we no longer need to sweat the small stuff?
Anonymous
This probably isn’t just financial anxiety – it’s just full on anxiety. In which case he would need therapy and treatment and want to make changes.
Anon
I think I disagree; I know people who are low anxiety in general who are still like this about finances. To me it seems almost like a kind of trauma. Therapy makes sense, but if they’re chill about everything else, I wouldn’t go see a psychiatrist.
anon
Yes. This described my FIL perfectly. He had lots of financial anxiety throughout his life because of childhood trauma. He wasn’t anxious in any other way.
No Face
I agree with this. My financial choices are informed by trauma, but I am not anxious. Definitely a topic to explore in therapy, but anxiety meds wouldn’t be useful.
Anon
He needs therapy. This goes way beyond just being frugal.
Anonymous
Marriage counseling. Who cares if he wants to save $8 the issue is he apparently left you to take care of the kids while he did it. This isn’t a money problem.
Anonymous
No, it’s a money anxiety problem. Not every example of a husband leaving the wife with the kids is indicative of him not pulling his weight in other ways or being a bad father.
OP, therapy is the only way. It could also help to run some numbers to show your husband what an hour of your time is worth.
Brunette Elle Woods
I disagree. It is a money problem but this money problem and his anxiety are causing marital problems. I definitely think he needs therapy and maybe a financial professional to calm his anxiety.
Anon
It’s both, but I agree the childcare problem is more pressing than the money problem. In this example, anyway. If he’s refusing to let her take a $5k vacation despite a 7 figure net worth, that would be a money problem. But in this instance it’s not the $8, it’s that he wasted so much time and left her on kid duty.
Anon
The Smart Money Mamas ‘Money Mindset’ theory has been helpful to me with similar issues (I know, I hate the name but it’s solid)
https://smartmoneymamas.com/understanding-improving-your-money-mindset/
Anon
Do you talk about it? I mean I get therapy, I think it’s a good idea, but I’d start with a lot of conversation first.
Anon
My spouse is like this too. I don’t have any advice, but yeah it is maddening. My DH will go to 3 grocery stores looking to save 10 cents on bananas. It drives me bonkers because often it takes a few days, meanwhile here I am without groceries. He buys a lot of groupons because he’s obsessed with the deal, but they almost always turn out to be a total waste of money because the level of service for that price is not great. He also will not throw stuff away because he thinks he might need it someday. I’m just venting basically. Another thing that drives me crazy is he buys unnecessary shit just because it’s on sale. The other day he brought home an entire pie from the grocery store because it was half off. It was like $6 full price, like price should not the barrier to buying an entire pie for oneself. Ugh!
anon for this
Not throwing stuff away — Yes yes yes! I’ve tried to explain the sunk cost fallacy a zillion times but … what if we might need it someday? I’ve taken to boxing up things and sticking them in the attic for a year, and then slowly slinking them out in the trash.
Anon
I’ve taken to secretly throwing away one piece of junk a day haha
No Face
My mother is like this! You don’t save money buying a thing you don’t need on sale!!!! She lived with me for years and it drove me bonkers.
I think you guys should have separate “fun money” budgets so he can waste his dough on groupons without affecting you. If he spends Wednesday night going to three grocery stores, then Thursday you read in bed while he handles kid bedtime by himself. Etc.
Anonymous
Financial therapy – this goes deep and you can only do so much… I mean, maybe if you broke it down that for example, he makes $100/hr at his job now, and he spent 3 hours that evening (so wasted $300) just to save $8. Start having him do those calculations by hand every time so he sees how much he’s actually not saving? But honestly, my suggestion is that he needs professional help to address the deep rooted financial anxiety
Anonymous
In our house, what works is reminder that our time is valuable. I am actually billable so any time I’m shopping at 4 stores to save $8, I could be billing a net of $150/hr.
I think you can talk about what’s practical, and what your husband can choose to spend his free time bargain hunting on. This may or may not be something you do in therapy. It will depend on your relationship.
anon
I have a less severe form of this, and struggle a bit, but have gotten much better through support from my partner and informal CBT I’ve done on myself. For me, being frugal and “not wasting” money is not just about financial anxiety, it is a way of expressing my ethics and my worth to the family unit. Like – “I’m the person who can find the best value and make the best financial decisions possible.” In approaching any convo with the husband, I think you need to acknowledge his skill finding the best deal, acknowledge that he is trying to help and provide for the family, that you don’t want him to stop doing that, but the best value he can provide to the family is by focusing on bigger ticket items that save lots of money (hundreds or thousands of dollars), not really small stuff.
And then when he starts to spin his wheels about how to get the best deal on something, or he drives around to save $8, you can gently suggest that as an example that wasn’t worth his time. Without knowing more about that example though, I’d wonder if he was actually shopping for different types of shoes (aka options), not the best price on a shoe he knew he wanted.
Anon in response
I just… handle the finances and everything related to buying things myself. partner has access to it all, can buy things if he wants to, we share accounts / cards, but it’s my chore in the household. He does pretty much everything else from a household perspective so I handle transactions, taxes, and us retiring someday. We talk about anything over $500 and agree in concept for what we’re looking for, and if it’s not a rush I will ask him to go find the best option and save us some money.
Therapy might be healthier, tbh, and I think it leaves him really vulnerable to financial abuse if I was going to go down that path, but it mostly works for us.
Anon
Same, except we don’t talk about vacations (he doesn’t want to know). My husband is much less extreme than OP’s though.
Anonymous
One approach here is to think about the hidden cost of going store to store. Driving a car costs about $0.56/ mile (gas, wear and tear, etc). This is the IRS mileage reimbursement rate. If he put more than 16 miles on your car doing this it was a net loss.
Seventh Sister
I’ve said this to my inlaws (and my own sweet mom) before and it doesn’t seem to work. Example: I bought some drinking glasses at IKEA that were not the size I wanted since I’m stupid and didn’t read the label. The glasses cost @ $3. The IKEA near me is a solid 20 minutes away, more if there is traffic (and it’s LA so there is pretty much always traffic). My mom *so* wanted me to return them, and I was like, uh, no. It would cost more in gas, plus I’d have to wait in a 20 min+ line to return the stupid glasses because it has light staffing even for your average IKEA and everyone in the metroplex shops at the place.
Anon
Counseling.
Been there
My spouse had the same background and the same problem. We started explicitly putting a value on our time and talking about it.
As an example, he was really resistant to getting landscaping help. I made him literally sit down with me and chart out the cost of buying all the supplies that landscapers just have and also estimating his annual pay divided by roughly the number of hours he works vs the hourly rate for a landscaper. It did not make sense financially for him to be doing it and He finally backed down in the face of the numbers.
In your case, the hourly rate for a babysitter is probably $15/hour. If it’s about the dollars, he should have bought the more expensive shoes and spent 4 hours babysitting. If it’s not about the dollars, then therapy can help w the anxiety.
I think when you give really concrete examples it brings the issue to a head – if what he’s doing actually mathematically doesn’t make sense, it isn’t about being frugal, it’s about something else. That forced my husband to address the something else and actually change habits.
Anon
What I am saying is completely without judgement. Poor people often make financial choices that are counterproductive for people to make when they have more money. Put differently, having “enough” money allows people to make sound financial choices. Examples: when you are poor, putting bills on autopay can be terrible; you may have to juggle which ones you’re able to pay at the end of the month. For a person with enough money, autopay can be fantastic. If you are poor, you buy the stuff that you can afford, even if it costs 10% less but wears out twice as fast. You don’t buy in bulk; you buy what you have money for that week. You trade time for money.
I would tell him that spending 4 hours driving around town (using gas and depreciating his car) to save $8 on groceries is, long term, going to cost more money. The $8 is there in the bank, hundreds of times over; you spend it now because it’s cheaper than spending it later on new struts and tires.
These behaviours are designed to function in a dysfunctional environment. They are terrible in any other environment, and that is what you should – in therapy – explain to your husband. (Then show him the bills for therapy and say “$8 extra on groceries got expensive, didn’t it?” I’m not being sarcastic… I have a family member who is “great” with money but is so nuts about it that there’s a huge pile of divorces that cost more than whatever-they-fought-over ever would have.)
Skipper
I’m running a marathon (vaccinated and masking at lineup and the finish) this fall. For some dumb reason, I have agreed to have dinner out (on a patio) afterward. Does anyone have any great suggestions for outfits that are nice restaurant worthy yet also feel like sweatpants and no bra? I’m struggling a bit because my impulses around dressing up cozy clothes typically involve heels.
Anonymous
If you are going to dinner the day you ran a marathon, all rules are off. Wear your sweatpants (and your medal).
Unless you’ve run many marathons (ie its just another Sunday long run for you), expect to be completely zonked!
Anonymous
Wear whatever. No one cares. Wear sweats
pugsnbourbon
Honestly if you go out to dinner after a marathon you get to wear sweatpants and no bra.
Cat
honestly I’d wear my marathon souvenir tshirt and no one would GAF about the rest of the outfit…. but honestly for patio dining can’t imagine anyone would care if you’re wearing fashion sneakers and a loose dress or leggings & oversized sweater?
Ribena
Correct. The local half marathon in my university city was a big deal and for the rest of the day you’d see loads of people in sweatpants, tees, and medals in quite nice restaurants where normally that would be totally unacceptable
Anon
I would do my medal, souvenir shirt, and North Face skirt.
Senior Attorney
That sounds perfect!
Anon
What will the weather be? If it’s warm enough- linen pants, comfy shoes (Birkenstock or trendy sneakers), and a top you can wear a sports bra / bralettes with.
I’ve never run a full but my friends and I go straight to the bar after we run a half – running clothes and all!
Anon
A hot shower and whatever is comfortable to wear. Take some aleve after the race, before dinner. Sitting for a while at a restaurant is when stiffness sets in. Sitting down and eating isn’t a bit deal. Getting up can be problematic. Voice of experience here.
Anon
This. I’ve actually found that a pair of pants with some compression and/or compression socks made my recovery more comfortable.
Worst surprise though is going down the stairs the next morning. OUCH!
Anon
Go down backwards. Seriously. It’s weird but less painful.
As for clothing, everyone is correct. Whatever the f you want and that makes you comfortable. I would also consider giving a heads up that you may not want to go to dinner depending on how you feel after. This gives you an out on the day of without disappointing people nearly as much.
Anon
Going down stairs backwards really helps! I’m the weirdo who HATES the feel of compression socks, but am also fortunate that I bounce back physically pretty quickly. The main reason I’ve been hesitant to do another marathon distance race is that in the past, I get emotionally low for a few weeks afterward, not in an “oh, I don’t have anything to train for” sense, but veering way too close to a general depression. Something about the combo of fairly high intensity for relatively long time does a number to me in a way <20 miles/3 hours doesn't.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’d wear comfortable leggings, knee high leather boots and a thick sweater so you can just wear a bralet. Good luck on the marathon! I just ran my first half.
Anon
Nooooo on the boots. Feet swell. This is how you lose toenails.
Anonymous
+1. I’d wear Birkenstocks and nothing else. Your feet need support and to breathe/expand.
Anon
Yep, I was too broke for Birks when I did my last marathons, but flipflops were heaven on earth after 3+ hours in running shoes.
anon
Absolutely not. Running a half is nothing like running a full marathon in terms of how your body will feel afterward. Flip flops or birks. In fact, if you haven’t done so, put those in your bag for after the race so you can literally take your shoes off ASAP after you’re done running. Leggings will also be uncomfortable. Breezy dress or cute sweats with a loose top. Also, hopefully this is not the case – but your first marathon can be really difficult. You may not feel like going out to dinner at all afterward. I hope everything goes amazing but please give yourself a little grace if you feel like garbage that night (and especially the next day). What you’ve accomplished is huge and if you prefer to lie in bed in your old pajamas and eat takeout that night – that’s ok too!
anon
the “absolutely not” was in response to the knee high boot idea.
Brunette Elle Woods
My feet have never had a problem. My boots aren’t tight but wear whatever shoes you want.
AnonATL
I would go with something loose and comfortable. Old Navy has some breathe on jumpsuits that are like fancy sweatpants. I have the dark grey and it can be dressy with nicer accessories or a cute jacket. It’s also sports bra friendly.
I only run half marathons, but typically have chafing and joint pain for a day or so after. Definitely take some aleve and try not to stay seated too long after.
Anonymous
Patagonia dress?
Anonymous
I’ve done one marathon. Honestly, wear your medal with joggers, a t-shirt, and a jean jacket and be prepared to wear birks or sandals. I could barely walk after mine (which was a function of poor training, but still…).
Explorette
Have you run a full before? Is this dinner with your close friends, or people you need to be “on” for? If this is your first full and these are not friends you can be a mess in front of, reschedule. Your body is going to be wrecked. You may not be able to eat. I’d set low expectations for what you can do immediately after.
Anonymous
+1. Though it sounds like a nice celebratory dinner with people who are close. A few years ago I went out to dinner after a full marathon, with friends who had either also run the full or the accompanying half that morning, and I literally dozed off while we were having dessert.
To OP’s outfit question, I would wear something as comfortable as possible. Birks or really comfortable fashion sneakers if you must dress up a bit. Wide-leg pants or a loose dress. A dressy sweatshirt or jean jacket.
Childbirth costs
How much were your out-of-pocket costs related to childbirth?
We have insurance, and my provider and the hospital accept our insurance. However, we still owed ~$7,500 after the insurance, which was very surprising. V-delivery, no NICU.
anon a mouse
$125. Federal government plan.
That seems very high for a standard birth. Did you do a cost estimate before the birth?
Anon
First delivery, $0 (fed govt PPO). Second delivery was $1250 (state govt PPO). Both were v deliveries with typical 2 day hospital stay.
Anonymous
$1000 because that was our copay for hospital stay. (Bill before insurance was $16k.) But lots of other $30-$50 bills for all appointments and testing. Nyc 2011, 2014, no C section.
Anon
I guess I can’t tell from what you’ve said how much of that may have been your deductible. To me that sounds about right if it’s a combination of meeting a typical high deductible plus copays. But I guess if that’s what it was you wouldn’t be asking.
Anon
Our deductible is $1,400, and then this was deductible plus co-pays (our plan is 80% provider 20% us for physician’s fees and hospital stays).
Anon
But what is your annual out-of-pocket maximum?
Anon
$12,000
Anon
Your birth probably cost about $30,000. You paid $1,400; the remainder of the $28,600 is 80% them ($22,880), and 20% is yours ($5,720). You would expect to spend $7,120. If one provider is out of network, you will spend a bit more there.
Anon
If only $1,400 of that is deductible, that total does sound high to me for no C-section, no NICU, and everything in-network, based on my general impressions and some googling. If I were you, I would want the breakdown on that.
PLB
$200 with wonderful state government health insurance benefits.
$7500 is bonkers!
Anon
C-section and 4 day hospital stay at an in-network hospital was $29,500 total, of which my insurance picked up all but $3,400. My in-network out of pocket maximum was $3,000; however, either a few providers were out of network or a few costs were disallowed.
LSC
This depends so heavily on your insurance plan. You are probably on a high deductible plan with lower premiums and an HSA savings option. If you had a PPO plan, your delivery cost would be lower but you would likely pay higher insurance premiums every month. I paid $10,000 for the first delivery and $7,500 for the second (different employers/different high deductible plans). Good news is that you have probably hit your out of pocket max for the year, so get as much healthcare as you can before the year ends!
Anonymous
Just under $3000. But my SIL’s out of pocket was $8000
No Face
My out-of-pocket maximum on my high deductible plan, which I believe was about $5,000ish.
Anon
Husband’s federal government health insurance covered all of it except for the $500 copay. Copay was reimbursed by employer.
Anon.
Same ball park, $7.5k. We had a $5K deductible and 20% copay until reaching $7.5k total out-of-pocket. That year we hit that upper self-pay threshold after which everything else was reimbursed 100%.
The total $7.5k included 2.5 days hospital stay, anaesthesiologist (billed separately), and ob-gyn (affiliated with the same hospital network).
I was really surprised about the different bills coming from hospital/ob-gyn/anaesthesiologist, though. It was my first experience with the US healthcare system.
Anonymous
Kid 1- about $6k (I had a high deductible plan with a $5k individual deductible)
Kid 2- about $1000 ($500 hospital admission copay, other misc stuff along the way)
Kid 3- $500 hospital copay, $350 to get prenatal testing done that we didn’t qualify for under insurance so we paid cash
Edna Mazur
My out of pocket max, so like $5,000.00 for similar births. Check your statement thoroughly. I’ve had three births and ended up on the phone with hospitals and insurance companies on at least 2/3 (maybe all 3) getting stuff corrected. For one kiddo, they put the date I went to the hospital rather than the date he was born which made the bill higher by several thousand. Could be a mistake.
Anon
About $7k but pregnancy was spread across two calendar years (so I had to hit two deductibles, and hit the OOP max the year I delivered). I have a HDHP. I had a V delivery plus epidural, no complications. The cost was about what I expected, and I paid for it out of HSA money, mostly employer contributions.
Anon
$150 for each kid. Hospital stay copay. My husband works for the health system so this was the employee health plan and I gave birth at their hospital. Standard, non-C section births. Everything else, including appointments, was covered.
All Eyes
When I was younger, my eyes really popped—dark, thick brows and thick, long lashes, blue eyes, fair skin, dark hair. As I have gotten older, my lashes and brows have faded a bit, and my brows are less lush, probably from over plucking during my teen years. Two months ago, I started using over-the-counter brow and lash growth serums. Yesterday, I tinted my enhanced brows and lashes. I am so, so pleased. My eyes POP and I feel more like the way I think I should look. So good. I wish I could post the before and after pics.
Anon
Aw, sounds great! I always wished growing up that I had blue eyes to go with my brown hair :)
Anon
Nice!
Elle
Have you noticed a difference from the brow serum? I’ve considered it but the price point always turns me off
Anon
Can I ask which brands of brow and lash serum you used?
Vienna Calling
Extra Petite had a great post about stuff from ten years ago that she is still wearing, and looking at my own clothes, there is really depressingly little I still use from a decade ago! I am quite disappointed as I always thought of myself as someone who buys stuff to last – but pre-baby me in grad school and post-baby me as a govt employee seem to have little wardrobe overlap. I’ve got some shoes, handbags and scarves, and a rain coat, but not much more than that! Am I an anomaly or is this just what happens?
Anonymous
I have no fashion sense and wear a lot of outdoorsy clothes, but I’m wearing things from 20 years ago and in some cases, 50+(hand-me-down wool sweaters). Don’t ask me how, but I also have several pairs of pants that have fit plus or minus 20 pounds and I hope to keep them forever. I hate shopping and I love a classic, New England preppy look with a heavy dose of west coast casual. If I loved shopping, I doubt I would have as much old stuff.
Anonymous
Obviously you are not an anomaly. Most things aren’t timeless, clothes are not designed to last more than 10 years, bodies change, lives change.
Senior Attorney
This. Clothing is a consumable.
NYC
That’s a very environmentally unfriendly attitude. Please look into the environment impact of the textile and clothing industry and consider whether you can make any positive changes
Senior Attorney
Good point. I do what I can. I don’t buy fast fashion, I keep my clothes for as long as reasonably possible, and if they are decent shape when I’m finished with them I do my best to pass them on to a good home. But I still think Anonymous at 10:26’s post is well-taken.
Anon
She’s not saying to switch your clothes every season; she’s saying that clothing isn’t high-end furniture or jewelry, which can be handed down to the grandkids. (I say this as someone who drives a car old enough to drink and wears a capsule wardrobe into the ground.)
Anonymous
I have clothing items handed down from my grandparents, some of which were heavily used then and now. You CAN buy quality items still, but it’ll cost you.
Anon
But clothing is consumable. It’s not fine wooden furniture from the 1800s. It gets drained. It wears out. Fibers break down. At the end of the day it is a consumable. We can slow down our consumption and we can do better at downcycling but people are always going to need new things, even if just socks and underwear.
Senior Attorney
Thanks, that’s what I was trying to convey.
Anonymous
Oh please! I’m not suggesting we all wear clothes once and throw it away! We are talking in the context of ten years. Most clothes no matter how well made are not going to still be useful after ten years.
pugsnbourbon
I have a pair of knee-high boots from 2007 – my wife bought them for me while we were dating. I haven’t worn them in a couple years but they are still usable – maybe not the most polished but definitely not tattered.
I’ve got a couple tops that are pushing 6 years, but I’m generally pretty hard on my clothes. Aside from coats, I think it’d be really rare to have something stay in good condition if you’re wearing it regularly for 10 years.
Cat
I do have a few pieces of clothing (vs accessories) that I’ve worn for 10-20 years – mostly outerwear like my trench and black wool dress coat, but a few classic sheaths are still in the mix. However between styles changing, aging and preferring different styles, and fluctuating weight, it’s not unusual to have very few pieces last that long!
Even Jean hasn’t been seen wearing her featured pieces recently – I follow her on Insta and she mixes whether she’s doing an “advertising” type post with new clothes, or “real life” type post where she’s in mom-athleisure-mode. I haven’t seen her wear an older / more formal coat in years!
anon
I do have some stuff that’s lasted 10 years or more, but I don’t think it’s unusual to NOT have that if your lifestyle has changed a lot. Also, I’ve been through enough body changes in the last 10 years (some related to weight, some not) that even stuff made to last doesn’t necessarily fit or look good.
No Face
I have outwear and open cardigans. I am very different sizes now, even with shoes, so all my classic older clothes were donated.
anonshmanon
I tend to focus on utility. We probably all have some work horse pieces that we will pull directly out of the laundry basket after wash – I end up wearing and washing mine at least weekly, which adds up to a lot of wear and tear. These pieces will never last 10 years, but I got really good use out of them.
anonymous
My style has evolved and my body has changed over the years so I don’t really have anything I wore 10 years ago that would still work for me today. I still have my Doc Martens I bought 25 years ago. I need to see if they still fit.
Anon
I have a black trench, a pair of Frye boots, and two cardigans. Actual clothes not so much.
Anonymous
I’d be more surprised if you WERE wearing a lot of the same clothes than if you weren’t, given your body changes, lifestyle changes, life-stage changes, and the fact that fabric just isn’t the same quality these days as it used to be.
Anon
Mostly coats and a few formalwear pieces. I have some bags but I will probably never use them again because my lifestyle is so different now. I have tons of high end barely worn shoes that are up to 20+ years old and I hoped my daughter would want some of them someday but her feet are two sizes smaller than mine. :/
Ses
I have stuff from over 10 years ago still going strong. Weirdly several from Target. I was just bragging about my 15 year old light zipper sweatshirt from there yesterday. I also have hiking gear (trousers, shirts ) that old from LL Bean, and a pair of Chacos going on 8 years. No other shoes last that long for me
Anone
My clothes are usually replaced every 3-7 years, I would say. However, I have some suits from Tulle and Banana Republic that I donated recently after 11-12 years. I have some hoodies that I wore the heck out of for about 8-9 years (under armour and Gap). I have sweaters from Anthropologie and J. Crew, wool coats from Macy’s and Tulle that I donated after 15 years and a down jacket from Eddie Bauer that I donated after 25 years (but I live in the SEUS and don’t wear sweaters or heavy jackets often). So I think that less-trendy items like classic suits and coats can be held onto for years if you buy good quality or don’t wear them often. IMO, things like jeans, pants, t-shirts and blouses age out more quickly as far as trends, and also, in my case, get worn more often.
amberwitch
The oldest piece in my wardrobe that still see regular wear is a 30 year old Diesel denim dress, and it is so worn it is only for very casual ( I guess in a sense it always was, but now the fabric is worn down in the stitched seams, little holes worn aroung the pocketsflaps etc.)
I tend to wear out my clothes, but at different speeds. A little less than half my current wardrobe is more than 10 years old (A quick count says 270 pieces out of 498 were bought after 2011, but the tracking isn’t accurate before 2015 – and a lot has been bought 2. hand since 2016, so the actual age of a lot of the items is probably .. older)
Anonymous
My feet aren’t even the same size they were 10 years ago.
Anonymous
My dermatologist prescribed hydroquinone for melasma, but it’s not covered by insurance and it’s too expensive for me out of pocket. Does anyone have any alternatives to suggest? Since this is a cosmetic issue, I don’t want to pay a lot of money and I’d like to try lower-cost alternatives first. I already use azelaic acid for rosacea and I see online that some sites recommend it for melasma as well, but I can’t say I’ve noticed a difference so far. Also, I wear sunscreen daily and wear a hat 99% of the time I’m outside.
Anonymous
Try GoodRX. It’s showing $18 at Costco and $32 at Target.
Anonymous
Dang – thanks for this tip!! That’s a fraction of the cost my pharmacy was quoting!
Digby
I’m neither a dermatologist nor someone with melasma, so take this for what it’s worth, but have you looked at products with niacinamide? It’s allegedly helpful for rosacea/discoloration in general. I’m using a Paula’s Choice one, and have used Good Molecules and the Ordinary, too. For my rosacea, the Paula’s Choice version seems to be amazing.
Anon
What’s your price range? PCA had a brightening serum with hydroquinone in it, but at ~$80 it might not be much cheaper than the prescription.
Anonymous
Is your melasma hormonal? Mine was and I switched IUDs and it cleared up (Mirena caused it; Skyla fixed it).
I found a Vitamin C serum and Niacinamide serum helpful.
Anonymous
Maybe – not sure. I have a non-hormonal IUD and have for years, but the melasma is a recent addition to my skin problems :(
Anon
You will spend more trying “cheaper” solutions that don’t work than just getting what’s been prescribed.
Anon
+1 to this. I’ve fought melasma for about a decade and all the things make it flare (heat, sun despite strong reapplication of SPF) so I cycle in/off prescription HQ quarterly.
Anonymous
I just learned I have melasma and it seems it’s caused by heat and not just UV damage, so preventing it may not really be feasible in the summer months.
Anon
Does anyone have any favorite craft blogs? I’m feeling burned out by work/pandemic and I think a weekend craft project might help but I need some inspiration other than pinterest.
anon
There’s one called Let’s Make Stuff (?) that has some easy, fun stuff.
Nerdy Lady
Epbot has a ton of crafting posts. Varying expense and complexity, usually with a seasonal and/or nerdy theme. It’s also just a fun, generally lighthearted, supportive group!
Smokey
My husband has run the Boston Marathon many times. We routinely go our to dinner afterwards and all of the downtown restaurants, even very fine ones, are full of runners and their families who have come directly from the finish line. Nobody looks twice at them and it actually feels quite festive. Good luck with your race!
anon
What are things that make you feel good? I find myself shopping for clothes whenever I feel like I’ve had a hard day and want to decompress/make myself feel better. I can afford the amount of shopping I’m doing, but feel like this isn’t the healthiest way to decompress, nor is it all that effective. My other one is watching way too much netflix. What are other suggestions?
Anon
Calling a friend to chat, going for a walk, snuggling and playing with my dog, reading a page turning mystery.
Anon
If you like watching Netflix, I never understand why this can’t be a good way to decompress- I guess people just watch mindlessly and feel like they’ve wasted hours?
I love movies and I love reading about movies, coming up with lists of classic and new movies I want to watch, listening to podcasts that discuss the movies I’ve watched, etc. This obviously doesn’t appeal to everyone, but if you like watching Netflix, it doesn’t have to be a mindless thing that turns into wasted time. It’s good to have some more active things to do as well, but reading and watching movies are two of the things that make me happiest and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I also find that it scratches the same itch that shopping used to, but without spending money- I find books I want to read and add them to my request list at the library, or add movies to my watchlists and feel the same satisfaction.
Cora
I agree, putting books on even my library hold list and getting them fills that “I want to shop” hole for me too especially since I’m not buying anything in particular. Buying flowers also helps and lasts a few days
Anon
I don’t feel good after I binge a lot of Netflix, though. I know from experience that I feel better if I’m doing something that totally involved my attention, like quilting, instead of mindless Netflix watching while I’m also scrolling on my phone. Netflix isn’t bad and it has its place, but watching tv all the time does not make me feel good.
Anon
I think this was my point, though. Watching Netflix mindlessly while scrolling on your phone feels like a waste. Watching a movie mindFULLY and giving it my full attention because I’m watching something I’ve deliberately sought out and am looking forward to doesn’t feel like a waste at all. I’m all for doing a range of activities, I’m just saying that if you like watching Netflix, you don’t necessarily have to change what you do rather than change how you do it. Also, watching one 1.5-2 hour movie on a weekend isn’t actually that much- might be easier to limit than tv, which is easier to just keep watching forever?
pugsnbourbon
Go for a walk in a pretty neighborhood, send a silly meme to a friend, or do something creative.
anon
Reading, lighting a good-smelling candle, sitting outdoors.
No Face
Reading an engrossing novel while drinking tea is my best way to unwind. If am tired, listening to a good audiobook while laying in bed is a lazier version. Going to bed very early is great too.
I am a sloth.
Monte
Music and puzzles and wine. Cue up a favorite playlist (even if I have listened to the same 7 songs on repeat forever), find some crosswords or Sudoku, and drink red wine.
Anonymous
I could have written this post too except for me it’s jewelry, accessories, home stuff, etc….I have found that when I want a boost taking a walk or doing something with purpose helps. For example, when I get home at night I light a candle that smells really good and I try to really attend to that moment and enjoy the sensory experience. I also change into really comfortable lux feeling pjs (which are actually just some poly satin sets I got at Target but they are as nice as my $$) and really soak in that experience. I’m trying to focus on being mindful and enjoying what I have.
RR
Knitting, although that results in lots of knitting/yarn purchases.
Anon
Having a nice tidy space which means putting a little effort into picking up, vacuuming and dusting even just one room (living room or bedroom), adding fresh flowers to the room from TJs, and settling into my Netflix or new book with a sense that I accomplished something and can relax now.
Sometimes I’ve already made myself a nice dinner, sometimes I’ve ordered takeout. But there’s a point where I’m like, ok I’m done, time to relax.
Anonymous
If you’re shopping for clothes for yourself, here’s what I’ve found works for me: I put everything in my online shopping cart, then close the window. The next day (I try to wait at least 12 hours), I’ll reopen the window and see if I still want anything. Half the time, I don’t, so I swipe the window up and go about my day. Sometimes I still do want the stuff though, so I buy it. It’s the hunt that I enjoy. A bonus is sometimes stuff goes off sale overnight so then I can see if I really wanted the item or just wanted to get a “deal”.
Anon
If you’re shopping for clothes for yourself, here’s what I’ve found works for me: I put everything in my online shopping cart, then close the window. The next day (I try to wait at least 12 hours), I’ll reopen the window and see if I still want anything. Half the time, I don’t, so I swipe the window up and go about my day. Sometimes I still do want the stuff though, so I buy it. It’s the hunt that I enjoy. A bonus is sometimes stuff goes off sale overnight so then I can see if I really wanted the item or just wanted to get a “deal”.
Anonymous
The best way to stop spending time on something like TV is to find a better alternative so you won’t miss it. What are your hobbies? Is there anything social that you can add back into your life now that the vaccine is available (outdoor workout class, dance class)? What about something crafty for solo evenings?
Anon
Remove the cord and give it to a friend for safekeeping.
Anonymous
I sign up for activities at night. Dance class, wine tasting etc. Monday nights I never turn on the TV that’s my time for a book and a bath and a mask. And I try to go for a walk after dinner if I have nothing else going on.
Brunette Elle Woods
Are there any hobbies you enjoy? I went to yoga class on Tuesday after work and try to squeeze in a run a few times a week. There could be running groups or other types of activity groups in your area. It could help prevent you from watching tv and meet some people who are more available than your friends.
Anon
Could you mix it up with podcasts or books on tape? The advantage is that you can do something else while it’s on since you don’t have to watch.
Anon
Reframe how you think about hobbies. I used to think I’d need to become a birdwatcher or something. Instead, I take classes in things that sound interesting (most recently a ceramics series at a local studio), or get tickets to stuff going on in my city. Even in the pandemic there were things that are fun like drive in movies, immersive Van Gough, outdoor concerts. I try to have something to look forward to each week. I also get mani pedis after work or go to the grocery store to get ingredients to cook a nice dinner. I’d call all of that hobbies. Also don’t underestimate the power of making plans to see friends, too.
Anonymous
Force myself not to sit on the couch until at least 8 p.m.
anon
I started listening to audio books (through libby from my local library) with headphones in the evening with my phone in my pocket. I can either sit and enjoy the story or I can listen while I get things done. I rarely turn on the TV anymore and I have listened to so many amazing books.
Anon
Please recommend a few good audio books! The last ones I’ve gotten are too serious, slow or depressing, which doesn’t do much for my relaxing mood.
X
My favorite so far was Educated by Tara Westover. It was so compelling.
Anon
My favorite so far was Educated by Tara Westover. It was so compelling.
Anon
Scheduling calls with friends for the evening helps me. It’s nice to look forward to and always leaves me feeling positive.
Senior Attorney
Doing little projects (clean out a drawer, or a closet, or even folding laundry) while listening to a podcast is a nice alternative. The voices on the podcast scratch the “not so alone” itch, and doing the project gets me up off the couch and I feel great when I’m done.
Cora
Oh I love this idea, really a nice compromise and maybe my drawers will finally get organized.
Anon
If I’m going to watch TV to not feel alone I like to get something else done at the same time. Sometimes that’s cleaning in the same room as the TV. Sometimes it’s knitting. I knit a lot of socks because then I end up (or family members end up) with something useful that doesn’t take up a lot of space.
Angela Scott oxfords?
Has anyone purchased shoes from The Office of Angela Scott? I’m looking for a pair of nice black oxfords to wear with business formal (either suits or dresses with blazers) that are equivalent to what men wear with suits because I just cannot go back to wearing heels. (Plus I tend to have a tailored menswear vibe – my office will remain business attire everyday, I’m sure, so I plan to wear a lot of ankle pants/dresses and blazers on the reg.) Everything else I’m seeing for women has a lug sole. I don’t really want to spend $500 but I also am not seeing much. I love the look of loafers for every day but that seems like too casual with a suit? Thoughts? Alternatives?
pugsnbourbon
I hear you on the lug soles – I like them but you don’t always want them on an oxford.
Here’s a Frye option from 6pm: https://www.6pm.com/p/frye-emory-oxford-black-full-grain-brush-off/product/9490369/color/768964
From zappos: https://www.zappos.com/p/fortress-of-inca-emmy-black/product/9299990/color/3
Angela Scott oxfords?
Thank you!
Anonymous
I’ve lusted after those shoes but can’t bring myself to pay up that much. If you’re open to shopping on Poshmark, Louise et Cie made some cute oxfords that aren’t available now but I can spot frequently for resale there. I would just search “louise et cie oxfords” or if you want specific styles, try the Adelise or the Fenn.
Anon
Google “goodyear welted shoes women” and you should get a selection of brogues, oxfords, and loafers. I have a couple of Office of Angela Scott pumps and they are built like tanks, I could probably pass them down as heirlooms.
Anon
Obviously it differs due to insurance, but has anyone had genetic testing for BRCA and if so, how much were your out of pocket expenses? My doctor strongly recommended it, but did not give an official referral. Also, how many appointments did you have over the course of the process?
I also need a bre@st ultrasound (which historically has led to needing a biopsy as well), which last time cost me about $500 out of pocket (ultrasound + biopsy), so I’m trying to spread out my GYN-related costs.
Anon
This 100% depends on insurance. I have an HMO where any lab work and imaging my PCP refers me for has zero copay, but wouldn’t be covered at all without the referral. Your insurance is obviously different and any answer you get here is not going to be very helpful. My understanding is that BRCA testing is now recommended for anyone of Ashkenazi Jewish descent, if that’s relevant to getting it covered for you…
Digby
Your health plan may cover it at no cost – the ACA requires some free coverage for BRCA testing, if you meet certain requirements (I think family history is the main criterion), so check with your health plan. I didn’t have the testing, but my mother and sister did. One had three appointments; the other had two (different locations, and different circumstances).
Anonymous
Do you have a br**st surgeon? If you’ve had biopsies before, the person you saw should be able to refer you for genetic testing. (If that was the doc that recommended it, just call that office back for a specific referral.) The process is pretty easy – just a blood draw that they send off. Mine came back in the mail to me and I had no genetic markers, so I’ve not met with a counselor. If you do, they recommend meeting with a counselor and that process can be different lengths depending on the marker.
Do not do the OTC testing (like 23 and me). It’s not reliable. It’s said to miss well over 50% of the time.
Anonymous
I did genetic testing for BRCA (and other breast cancer-related genes) earlier this year. It was prescribed by a doc through a genetic counselor appointment. It was not covered by insurance, and I paid $125. My understanding is the cost is materially less than it used to be.
anon
I had genetic testing due to my mom and grandma dying of BC. My gyno who orders my mammos referred me to an oncologist who specializes in risk assessment and she ordered the test. It was a simple blood test, but the results took 6-8 weeks. My insurance covered it with no copay – I owed $0.
(FWIW: No mutations for me. Its not just BRAC but they test for many others. Dr. said to come back in 5 years and do it again, as they will have identified other mutations).
Anone
I did it about 10 years ago and it was 100% covered IIRC
Anonymous
Do it again! They have found so many more mutations and continue to make progress. I had br**st cancer but no mutations and have been told to go every 3-5 years to update.
Anone
Thanks, I will do that!
wow
This is really, really excellent advice!
AnonMPH
I did hereditary cancer screening with Myriad (which includes BRCA), through my OB/GYN. I had a BCBS PPO and wound up with no copay, or the copay was low enough that I don’t remember what it was. My doc had me to do a screening questionnaire and once my answers showed risk (for me it was for pancreatic cancer due to family history), she said that I should do it. I don’t think it was a formal referral? I just went to the back of the office and had to call someone at the Myriad office on a specific phone, watch some videos, then I think they took my blood at that same visit. Then someone from the OB/GYN office called with my results and someone sent a packet in the mail. I think? It was pretty lowkey, did it in March 2020 and have already mostly forgotten.
Anon
Thank you all! My new GYN PA is the one who suggested it due to family history of ovarian cancer. I have a breast ultrasound (which, if history is any indicator will lead to a biopsy) next week – will ask that doctor for an opinion/referral. The ultrasound and genetic counseling would be through the same hospital system – GYN/GP doctors office isn’t affiliated but refers patients to this system.
I had my last ultrasound/biopsy before I moved cities and have no radiology/oncology doctors in this city yet.
The family history is weird – paternal grandmother died nearly 40 years ago (well before I was born) and I’m the next (and only!) female on this side of the family so there isn’t much history to go off of.
Anon
Question for longtime retin-a users: what concentration product do you use now and how frequently? I started using 0.25% about 3 years ago then switched to 0.5% about 2 years ago. I only use it about 2 days a week and tolerate it well. I’m wondering if I should increase frequency and/or go up to 1% or just maintain at this level. Looking for reader experiences and tips.
Anon
Oops, beating fail. See below.
Anon
I would stick with the strength you have now if it’s working for you. Why would you increase? I’m a long term tretinoin user and I use a fairly low strength, because I get results I’m happy with and am acclimated to it.
Anon
My understanding is the proper strength is the highest dose you can tolerate for daily use. I would look to gradually increase use of the the .5% until you can tolerate daily use, and just maintain that for a while. Fwiw, I use .25% daily and have for years, eventually I plan to increase but only to a strength I can handle daily.
Hard to be Green!
Can I just rant about how inconvenient it is to recycle things in my city? I live in a condo and my city doesn’t do municipal recycling for multi-family buildings. In order to recycle anything, I have to take it to a center. That would be fine, except the ONLY center in the city/county is on the other end of the city and is inconvenient to get to. They do appointments only twice a week, close at 2 and the list of “rules” is extensive.
So frustrating! I’m trying to do my part and it’s just SUCH a huge hassle. No wonder more people don’t recycle.
Anon
Do you have a friend nearby who has recycling? My bin is the collection point for two other friends whose access is similar to yours.
In my city, I fear easy access is going to go away in the fairly near future. When I run or walk my dogs on trash day, I see how many people use their recycle bins as an extra trash bin (I don’t go digging in people’s trash… the bins are usually overflowing and it’s easy to see what’s on top). Those folks are fouling the recyclables something bad.
Anon
This is a big part of the reason that the market for recyclables is so bad. It’s really hard to get a clean product- paper is contaminated by broken glass, different types of plastic are mixed together, there’s food and other crap (literally- in my old apartment complex I’d often see diapers in the recycling bin) that contaminates everything. Because the quality is so low, nobody wants to pay much for it, and China, who used to buy a lot of it from the US, stopped a few years ago. Now a lot of recycling programs have to pay to dispose of recyclables instead of selling them for a profit. Metal is usually still pretty profitable because it’s easy to sort and clean and the cost/environmental benefit are hugely favorable compared to mining new metals. Glass would be really beneficial if so much didn’t break and get mixed together, but that makes it less useful. Like I said below, plastic recycling is pretty much a joke, other than in some highly specialized industrial settings. Paper and cardboard can make sense, but often get pretty contaminated when mixed with everything else- it’s better if they’re recycled separately like in an office, but this isn’t always practical. I definitely encourage waste reduction and reuse before recycling, though I do think we should be recycling- it’s really not THAT hard to do a little sorting and we need better systems to make this work for people. If we really can’t make them run efficiently, then we should more seriously be implementing waste to energy systems (probably the best solution for plastic and maybe paper)
Anonymous
Why hasn’t your condo contracted with a provider to pick up recycling? That’s the expected solution.
anon
Not OP, but our condo got rid of recycling because people couldn’t stop throwing non-recycle in the recycle and the recycle company charged us $400 every time it happened.
Anon
As someone who knows a fair amount about recycling (env science degree, worked for my college recycling program), I understand how frustrating this is and would encourage you to prioritize recycling metals and reducing waste overall. Plastic recycling has always been a total joke, so don’t waste your time on that and don’t waste fossil fuels driving to other side of town just to drop off a few cans- do a bunch at once when you’re already there for something else. Recycling does makes sense when done well, but you need to keep the big picture in mind.
anon
I live in Philadelphia and the trash collectors regularly dump trash and recycling into the same truck. It’s really frustrating and just another example of how expectations are placed on individuals to “do the right thing” but cities and corporations don’t do their part.
Cat
+1, for awhile we had a good streak going of both trash and recycling trucks coming around, but since last summer it’s been maaaaaybe 1 out of 4 weeks that the recycling doesn’t get tossed straight into the trash. And yet if we’re caught not separating them out, we get fined!!
Anon
Im in south Philly and from my anecdotal perspective it’s been better this summer? I only realize because my recycling is picked up on trash day or the day after whereas my trash is picked up 2-5 days late! But our trash situation overall has been a mess the entire pandemic. The city is so underfunded!!
Anon
It’s very hard to find places accepting recycling now, what would you like the city to do about that? You should just assume the plastic you recycle is going to get trashed. Putting things in recycling bins makes people feel good about their consumption and their waste but that’s about it. I am not saying this a problem individual people need to solve, but a lot of people use putting something in a recycling bin as an excuse to not think any deeper about their own consumption.
Anon
I am interviewing for a job and have met and had introductory interviews with 5 people now. The posting indicates that the role is a hybrid of two distinct functions. Function A is more administrative and I’ve never done it and am not interested in doing it. Function B is more strategic and directly in line with my interests and skills. This role seems pretty unique, the company is well regarded, and I don’t get the sense that roles like it open up very often. I’ve tried to ask questions to get a better sense of what % of my time would be spent on each function, but I’m getting very vague responses and just a general statement that both functions are handled in tandem. I feel like Function A could be viewed as a step back in my career and Function B would be either a lateral move or a step forward. I’d be moving from private practice big law to in-house non-legal (but legal related, JD preferred) business role, so it’s hard to gauge. I’ve been pretty unhappy for the past year and would love to no longer bill my time and deal with poor management in my law firm practice group.
Would you accept a role that seems partially a step back and partially a step forward, with the hope that there might be better quality of life?
Also, one of my interviewers said off hand that if he/she had their way they’d love to create a new role that would pretty much exclusively be Function B and also some other related functions that I find interesting. This sounds really interesting to me, but it doesn’t exist currently and I don’t know how likely it is that they would actually create this new role. Would you pursue/push for this new hypothetical role in the interview process? I’d worry that it may then seem that I’m not interested in the current job opening.
Trying to figure out my options and the best we to approach this without closing any doors.
Anon
To your first question, I am trying desperately to leave litigation and I would 100% take a perceived step back for a better quality of life. I say perceived because I don’t actually think it’s a step back if it gets me what I want – which is a better quality of life. I’m pretty much done caring what other people think.
For your second question, I would not push for this alternative (currently non-existent) role in the interview process, because I definitely think it makes you seem uninterested in the currently available role. I think if you accept the job, you need to go in ready and enthusiastic about doing Function A as well as B. I think if they’re already considering creating a role exclusively for Function B, you can go in and rock the job and make yourself invaluable and build up some capital and then you can raise the issue of moving into Function B.
Good luck to you!
Anon
It’s funny that you ask this, because my spouse is actually hiring for a job like this right now (not JD preferred, though people with JDs and other advanced degrees apply) and one of their big concerns is that people will be unhappy with the admin component of the job and be unhappy or quit, so they’re trying to figure out how to screen for that in interviews (they do make clear this is part of the job). It’s in state government, so they only have money for one person right now and the admin part of the job has to get done, there’s no way around it, and they definitely don’t want to hire someone who’s not willing to do that. At least in their case, if you showed too many signs of being uninterested in that kind of work, they wouldn’t hire you. Your situation may be a little different, but I wouldn’t take the hypothetical position very seriously unless you have real evidence it will exist soon.
Anon
Depends on your current unhappiness. Are you so unhappy that moving to another job for a year – if it stunk and you wanted to bail – would be better than your current job?
Anon
My suspicion is that this is not the right role for you. The administrative side (contract administration or compliance) is mind-numbing, and the percentage assigned to you is what the department needs to get done. Wait for a role that is more contract management than administration, or look for actual in-house counsel.
OP
To clarify, the administrative function is not contract administration or compliance or anything along those lines. It’s more along the lines of relationship management – e.g., fielding calls from the client and figuring out who needs to be brought in to handle certain requests. The role serves as sort of a quarterback for the client relationship, which may involve handling certain more administrative tasks. There would be other roles beneath this role that I would supervise who would handle the really day to day administrative tasks. That being said, being the point person on every client request, big or small, does not sound appealing to me.
Anon
Putting aside quality of life, moving to a non-legal role is absolutely a step back with respect to your legal career. It’s basically giving up being a lawyer, even if it’s “JD preferred,” and it will be challenging to move from that to an actual in-house role. I’m all for quality of life moves, but make them eyes wide open and this isn’t a career progression legally speaking and the heavy admin component makes me think it’s not a step forward into a non-legal role with upward potential.
OP
I totally get that this is typically how it works, but I am confident that in my particular practice area and this specific type of role, people move back and forth between the role and private practice fairly regularly. It is basically like an advisory role in my practice area but no drafting and working closely with outside attorneys.
The bigger question that I have been struggling with is whether I want to be a lawyer. I have worked in private practice, then in house legal, then private practice and I’m very highly skilled at what I do, so I’m hesitant to let that go, but if I’m honest with myself, I’ve essentially felt since law school that being a lawyer is a terrible fit for me. I tend towards being anxious which works well in terms of providing high quality perfectionist work products, but it makes me miserable and stressed all the time. I also hate billing my time. And I dislike the fact that my job requires me to always have to come up with worst possible scenarios to avoid. So, part of what I’m exploring here is whether the fact that I am an excellent lawyer and sunk cost of all the skills I’ve developed should keep me in the profession if I really don’t like what I do on a day to day basis and it creates a tremendous amount of stress in my life. Obviously I need to do some souls searching, but “not being a lawyer” sounds pretty awesome right now and I often daydream about starting over and becoming a teacher or some other completely different profession.
That being said, I think the pandemic is wearing me down and increasing my anxiety, so don’t want to make an career changing decisions without being really certain about it.
anon
This is late but maybe you will check back. I took a break from practicing (2 full years), did some random AF stuff, then moved into a JD preferred role for two years and was actively recruited out of that for an in-house counsel role because of my area of expertise. FWIW, I went to a garbage law school so that had nothing to do with it.
Anonymous
I would not leave big law to take a non lawyer job with a non specified admin component! Come on what are you thinking? You’re going to go from being a big deal to a glorified secretary? No.
Anon
Exactly. I think it’s a common question on AAM: I took a job because they told me it was going to be most Function B with some administrative work and it’s turned out to be mostly administrative work.
Anon
If you are given an offer, can you drill down then and push for an answer on what percent of the role is A vs B? If they can’t answer or the split is off for you, then the job may not be for you (so depends how urgently you want to change roles).
Anon for this
I did this, although not in law but in science. Took a role with an admin/accounting component that I was way overqualified for, and intriguing program development and project management components that were a great fit for my interests. Sometimes I joke that I am a glorified secretary. The way it turned out with the admin duties was that I can get the bulk of it done in about 3 hours a week (I think this is not because I am extra smart but I am tech savvy with the tools we have, and I can anticipate my stakeholders’ needs, so I don’t have to bother people to give me detailed information). One duty in particular I ended up unexpectedly enjoying because it feels impactful, even if it’s a bit mundane. The pandemic also scrapped a good part of my admin duty, which would have been arranging travel for others. In the meantime, I had the opportunity to make valuable contributions in the project development and management area, and demonstrate my value. It has since been decided that someone else should take care of travel stuff, so I can focus on higher level tasks.
I had similar thoughts about how it will be perceived that I am taking a step down into what is more of a supportive role. I grappled with it personally and I was also asked some pointed questions during interviewing. I am very happy with the step I took and feel like I can spend my working hours on things that interest me and where I can make an impact. My quality of life has improved dramatically. I probably closed the door to full-time research role, but I have no regrets.
Anon
I’d run away. I would bet it’s going to be almost entirely A.
Anonymous
I fractured my foot yesterday and have to stay off it for 4-6 weeks. This is a real disappointment because I spent the spring and summer establishing a really consistent exercise routine (running, hiking, tennis, Rick climbing) and now I can’t do any of my favorite activities.
This seems like a good time to work on upper body strength but I’m not really sure where to start. I have a subscription for Peloton classes (but no bike), a gym membership and access to a pool for swimming laps (though I can’t do that for at least two weeks pending dr approval).
I would really appreciate suggestions for where to start/how to keep active so I don’t lose motivation. Weight training has never been my thing — always had much more success with cardio and “activities — but I’ll do whatever I need to in order to maintain exercise habits bc it took a lot of hard work and motivation to get to my current routine. I’m very afraid of backsliding.
Ses
Sorry about your injury! I was the reverse of you – broke a hand and mainly was doing weightlifting! My trainer worked with me to come up with other activities, so a trainer might help for a brief period if you need someone to come up with ideas. Swimming sounds like your best bet, and you could sign up for a sprint triathlon or something in six months and make this part of your training plan.
I wonder if you could cycle and row sooner than you’ll be able to run? Worth checking with the doctor. Rowing can be a good cardio workout. If cycling is okay in a few weeks, there’s your second triathlon segment.
Anon
I would do core, arms and back choosing exercises that don’t put pressure on the healing foot. I think many arms exercises can be done on the back or sitting (with weights or a resistance band). Same for abs and back. I like Les Mills Core, you can watch different episodes as a sample and create your own workout set. I had to put my workout routine on ice after a major surgery, but was allowed at least walks. I know this is not your case, but I want to encourage you that 4-6w was not too long for me to lose motivation. Quite the opposite – I couldn’t wait to get back to spinning and weightlifting and long walks.
Anonymous
Sign up for a 5K race 10-12 weeks from now. Good luck!
anon
Is this a joke, I hope?
pugsnbourbon
Yeah this is a sure-fire way to break your foot again, worse.
Anonymous
Of course it’s not a joke. The OP wants to stay motivated and keep up her progress – putting a race on the calendar is a great way to do that. I think we can all assume that she’ll make a decision that is safe for her recovery. I figured that was obvious and that people would take it as a given.
anon
Could you do cycling? Not now, but maybe in a few weeks? I did that when I had an ankle injury; I just made sure to stay seated and not do any crazy tap-backs or things that would put pressure on my foot and ankle area.
Anonymous
Thanks everyone! I like the triathlon idea, and I’m going to check out the weight area at the gym. A couple of sessions with a personal trainer is definitely in order to figure out how to use the machines, even the rowing machine.
I appreciate the positivity and suggestions bc I was feeling pretty low this morning — can’t run the races I was signed up for in Oct, and probably going to have to cancel my rock climbing and tennis classes too. Boo! But you all have given me some new projects to get excited about!
Anon
If your gym has an “arm bike,” that can deliver a hard aerobic workout. For me, upper body is so much harder than my default to depending on my legs and feet.
Anonymous
Does anyone use any type of oil to condition their hair? I go thru this terrible cycle of hair shedding that seems to happen every 3-4 months; like I start noticing a ridiculous amount of shedding, usually get a hair cut, it then still takes a month or so to improve and then a few months later we’re back again. It concerns me as I imagine it’ll eventually lead to hair thinning. I’ve seen a dr, gotten blood work etc. and the conclusion is that’s just my growth/shedding cycle. And my hair has always been fairly dry. A coworker of mine was talking randomly and happened to mention in passing that oil is a great hair conditioner; I don’t know her well enough to discuss so I just asked what type and she was like – oh whatever you have in your kitchen, put it in your hair 15-30 min before you’re going to shower and shampoo it out.
So I started doing this with olive oil starting probably 3 weeks ago because I was opening a new bottle in the kitchen and had a bit left in the old bottle so I saved it for hair use. IDK if it’s my imagination but the shedding seems a touch better. Anyone do this? Is there a type of oil that’s better for hair than just olive? I feel like certain Asian communities do this and have gorgeous hair even into their 40s-60s so I wanted to ask. Specifically what do you use, how do you apply it, and how often? Obviously the easier something is to do, the more like I am to do it over the long haul.
Anon
Conditioning the length isn’t going to impact shedding. That’s two separate issues. I have dry, course hair and a few times a month I comb in a generous amount of coconut oil before bed and tuck a high bun under a silk sleep cap overnight. It’s helpful if your hair needs moisture, but if you’re unhappy with the condition of your hair it may be a protein or breakage issue. Occasional protein masks and/or switching to silk pillowcases and minimizing damaging heat treatment could be more effective.
If it’s just the shedding you’re worried about, biotin supplements and castor oil applied to the roots and scalp can help. Plenty of people have a high shed rate that never really leads to thing though.
Anonymous
disclaimer in that I’m not claiming this is traditional in any way as I’m not south asian, but a south asian roommate and I (east asian) used to have weekly nights where we oiled our hair overnight. we’d use coconut oil and a few drops of tea tree oil for the nice tingle and warm it up in some warm water (like oil in a small jar, put the jar in warm water). then we’d just oil our scalp, lightly massage, and run our hands lightly through the rest of the hair. both of us had medium length hair that we would braid and pin up, and then I usually put a shower cap on top and slept that way. but I’ve also done it where you don’t sleep on it and you just wash it out a few hours later. I always enjoyed it – unsure if it helped my hair shedding that much but I do have bad dandruff and felt like it was a temporary balm on that for a few days
anon
My mom (who is of South Asian descent and has the glossiest, thickest hair I know) swears by coconut oil. Massage coconut oil into your roots 2x or 3x a week before you go to bed, and tie your hair in braids or a very tight bun. Wait 2-3 weeks for results and enjoy!
Anon
I use Ambhring Age Embrace Revitalizer, which is largely oil (sesame, mandarin and peppermint). It has made a big difference in my hair and the scent is divine. I use it every single time I shampoo, and have come to relish the “massage in and wait” process as part of my self-care.
Anon
FWIW, I don’t think your body knows if your hair is dry, moist, has split ends, etc so I can’t see any of those factors causing hair shedding. I think a lot of the time it’s hormonal or related to your thyroid.
Anone
Had a strange injury last night. Background: I work out almost every day on the rowing machine, elliptical or stair stepper, with some yoga mixed in. I am starting to work weights back into my routine. It had probably been about a month since I had worked with weights, but then this past week on Monday, I did some shoulder raises and military presses with light dumbbells – 7.5 lbs each. On Tuesday, I did kettlebell swings with a 25 pound kettlebell. Fast forward to last night (Wednesday), walking down the street to my car, I sort of shrugged my purse strap onto my left shoulder (weirdly, my purse was not nearly as heavy as it normally is, as I had removed my laptop and iPad.) Immediately, I felt a twinge and some pain. Then found I could not raise my left shoulder. The pain was located in the part of my shoulder closest to the neck. It was okay if I didn’t move it, but was in so much pain during my bedtime routine trying to brush teeth, change clothes, etc. that my husband had to undress me and put my PJs on for me. I laid in bed with a heating pad, took some Advil and went to sleep. Woke up with no pain. Can anyone help me understand what happened, how long I should rest my shoulder, and if I should bother seeing a dr. now that the pain is gone? If this had persisted, I would have made an appt. and asked for muscle relaxants as the pain was pretty bad.
pugsnbourbon
If the pain is gone I wouldn’t see a doc over it. I’d rest your shoulder for at least a week – like really rest, no rowing or elliptical.
Sometimes muscles just … tweak. I once vacuumed too hard and couldn’t turn my head for three days.
Anone
Thank you. My husband said the same – rest. It’s difficult haha. But I will just do the stair stepper for the next week.
C
Could be a partial tear in your supraspinatus – this happened to me (injury from rowing), and the symptoms were very similar. Did physio, but no real cure- just time & strengthening surrounding muscles etc.
Anon
Sounds like you tweaked your levator scapulae- did your neck also hurt when you turned your head? This usually happens to me when I sleep funny, but turning my head wrong or shrugging my shoulders funny does it too. Regardless of whether we’re talking about the same muscle, I think this is one of those things that just happens sometimes and there’s not much to do about (though heat helps once it happens). I would avoid carrying heavy things on one shoulder if it happens to you again- that’s a common trigger for me, as is too much computer work with bad ergonomics and sleeping with bad pillows. Exercise is probably fine, but if you notice something that triggers it, be careful about overdoing that.
Anone
Thank you. I don’t remember if my neck hurt per se, but you may be right. I think I’m going to reduce the amount of stuff I carry in my purse – it’s really a ridiculous amount of weight.