Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Shirred-Neck Blouse

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A woman wearing a white and black top and black trouser pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Banana Republic Factory is a can’t-miss if you’re looking for workwear tops this season. This printed short-sleeved blouse will go with just about anything in your fall wardrobe. I would pair this with black trousers and a colored blazer for an easy office look.

The top is $32.50 at Banana Republic Factory — with 20% off at checkout — and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

294 Comments

  1. I love this top.

    But my question is for Tumi spinner bag people. What size do you have? I have the tiny Away wheelie but it is struggling with capacity for non-summer travel where outfits are now bulkier and have more or heavier items. If I upgrade to a Tumi, how have you fared with the “International” carryon wheelie vs the smaller size? I still want to not have to check a bag.

    Also, these black bags are so ubiquitous that even if you get the monogram (tiny,IMO) and gold zippers, IDK how you keep bags straight if they wind up being gate checked (and even my tiny away bag got gate checked this week, but it is easy to recognize with a light color, painted monogram, and years of scuffs).

    1. As far as identifying it- do the same thing that you’d do to a checked bag. Tie a ribbon onto the handle or whatever, or use a distinctive tag to put your contact info in.

      1. This. My very standard black carry-on has a neon green luggage tag. I’ve never had an issue.

      1. I really don’t like mine enough to rebuy it bigger. It strains with an OG strapped to it and seems cheap even when solo. It has held up bettter than I thought it would but I am thinking that Tumi is sort of the gold standard and I hope it is my last wheelie bag I will need to buy.

    2. For identifying your bag, I like the IdentiGrip tag, available at Container Store. It is a colorful wrap for the handle in which you can slide a card with your contact information. It is a subtle way to distinguish a black bag on the carousel.

    3. I have the continental carryon. I have taken it to Europe successfully as carry on luggage, but I’ve always flown US carriers except for one time on RyanAir (do not recommend) where they tsk tsked me and let me carry it on anyway.

      1. In terms of ID, my bag is a dark brown color. I bought it because I liked the color but I’ve also had an experience where someone accidentally grabbed my bag and took off (onboard luggage, not checked.)

    4. Recommend a soft-sided Briggs and Riley instead. Most of their suitcases can expand to be bigger if need be (and are still carry-on size). T hey have a better warranty than Tumi too-lifetime, no questions asked. I love mine. It’s 10+ years old and has gone all over the world with me. It’s small, but it can be a little bigger.

      I personally prefer a US-sized carry-on, because if you are flying a truly European airline, they often don’t allow much more than small hand luggage anyway. And if you are going to try to sneak it in on a Euro airline, they will get you in same-day baggage fees. It’s not worth it.

      1. I love, love, love my Briggs and Riley. I have had it repaired a few times for free – the warranty is fantastic. I’ve got a black carry-on which is an older model so somewhere between the domestic and the European carry-on sizes today. I would probably buy the domestic if I were re-buying today to be honest.
        To identify my bag I have my frequent flyer tag and a ribbon which was originally used to hold a name tag at an industry conference now re-purposed as a tie-on around my suitcase handle to make it uniquely mine.

        My larger suitcase is also Briggs and Riley because I love the brand so much. That one is newer and we got the navy colour with silver hardware. It is unique and really sharp looking.

  2. Another luggage question – we need to get another suitcase for family travel. Not looking for top of the line, but does stuff last for 5-10 years anymore?. We got luggage when we got married and I’m not impressed with how it has held up. I recall using the luggage my parents got for their wedding as a kid and the only reason we stopped using it was bc it was a pain and suitcases with long handlebars and wheels were invented

    1. I think it depends on the luggage but I hope so. My big Delsey suitcase is still perfectly functional 7-8 years after I got it, with only issue being some light stains from checking it because it’s not black and shows every smudge (but I wanted something easy to spot). My black Tumi carry on from 10 years ago looks more or less the same as the day I got it. TravelPro bags are supposed to also last well and have great warranties. Same with Briggs & Riley. The only issues I’ve ever really had was with suitcases that were made by non-suitcase companies.

    2. We have two identical soft-side TravelPros and one tiny underseat Delsey, also soft-side. One of the TravelPro bags is 20 years old, one is about 15, and the Delsey is maybe 5. They are not fashionable, but they are solid-state and all fully functional. Those TravelPros have been all over the world, including taking me and our teenager for 6 weeks in the UK.

      I like the kind of bag with two embedded rollerblade-type wheels, not spinners. The wheels seem less inclined to break off or jam.

      1. I have a seven year old TravelPro that’s still going strong. It’s also a two wheeler. I bought into the Away hype and purchased a backpack but had to return it. The zipper tabs immediately fell off and the laptop compartment kept opening on its own. Now I use either a TravelPro backpack or Tumi tote as my personal item.

        1. My soft-side Travelpro cabin-size four wheeler is going strong after ten years. The wheels could use a little greasing, so it works better as a two wheeler, but that’s because I’m too lazy to do maintenance. We use it pretty heavily.

      2. +1 for two-wheeled Travelpro. They last forever and as a bonus they hold more than a spinner.

      3. Love my soft-sided, two wheeled TravelPro. Two wheels means two less potential failure points and even if one wheel breaks it can still stand up. Very bad experience with a broken spinner on vacation in Italy.

      4. I wrote in yesterday (re: new carry on for work travel). Thanks for mentioning Delsey. I’m staring at the Chatelet Air 2.0. It’s (possibly) outside of my budget, but boy does it seem like real, grown up luggage.

    3. I have a Tumi that is 10+ years old and still looks new after lots of work travel. We also have a huge TravelPro that is 7 years old and looks fairly good too, thought it’s only been used about once a year. I’d definitely get another Tumi, especially if you can find it on sale.

    4. Our Samsonites from Costco have lasted that long, one of them with heavy use. I also have a Travelpro that’s holding up well. I would guess that high quality hard sided luggage lasts longer than soft sided, but I haven’t made the switch to hard sided yet.

    5. YMMV, but I’ve found my soft-sided luggage has held up better than the hard-sided. I have a Samsonite rollaboard that I bought in 2016 that is going strong after being gate checked a bunch, tons of work travel and being dragged over cobblestones. My hard-sided luggage has gotten more beaten up and the wheels are broken.

      1. I agree. I kind of hate my hard-sided luggage, and I really hate how much space it takes up in order to open, since it has to be fully opened. I’ll never purchase a hard-sided case again.

      2. I have an eastpak rolling duffle that I’ve used relentlessly and it’s from 2013 and still in perfect condition.

    6. We’ve been impressed with Travelpro- while we bought the checked bag size just 2 years ago, it’s had heavy use in the interim (at least a dozen round trips thinking back, and many of them involved a connection meaning extra opportunity for rough handling), it only has one slight scuff in the fabric. When full, even including liquids like bringing tons of sunscreen for beach trips, it has never been overweight.

    7. We got a set of Tumi luggage for our wedding 13 years ago, and it’s held up very well. It’s a fortune, though. This year when we needed to add two more full-size suitcases for family travel, we went with Away. I’m don’t expect it to wear as well as Tumi, but I’m hopeful to get at least 8 years out of it, with regular family travel use (i.e., not weekly, but several times a year).

    8. DH and I fly on a plane 3-4x a year. I have a travel pro carry on soft sided spinner that DH got for me after my TJ max $30 suitcase broke 7 years ago, and it looks good as new. DH has a carry on sized soft sided spinner Swiss gear that’s 10+ years old and also works as looks great, but is not as solid feeling as the travel pro. And then we have a large samsonite (but cheap end of samsonite) that we use for family travel and check it and it is 15 years old and also looks great. I will say that DH (in his research for what to get me) asked several flight attendants what luggage they used and preferred and they all said travel pro. I have since noticed that most flight crews in the airports that I see have travel pro bags.

    9. I’ve been wondering about that, but to be fair, my parents’ wedding luggage for the most part didn’t go on 3-4 flights a year, going through the airport luggage cycle, or was wheeled down the asphalt, running to catch the bus.

    10. Idk, I bought my rolling carryon size hard-side suitcase from TJ Maxx 6 years ago and it’s holding up great. A little scuffed (but I’m sure a magic eraser would clean it up), but wheels, handle, zippers, lining, etc is all in great condition.

    11. I think I’ve had my softsided Samsonite (1 carry on 1 large) since I graduated high school in 2005 and it’s basically in like new condition. And I travel A LOT with the carry on. Like pre-COVID I was traveling by plane 10+ times a year and by car/bus/train another 10+ times. And my husband got a similar version in 2014 that’s still going strong.

    12. If you can find the carbon fiber Victorinox luggage on sale, that would be a great option. I think it’s probably worth it at full price. This stuff is lightweight but indestructible. Bonus: it cleans up to like new with a magic eraser. About a decade ago I got a great deal on two of a color best described as “traffic cone orange”. They are unattractive but also easy to spot from the far side of the baggage claim area.

    13. You might consider a rolling duffel bag for family travel — easier to tote/drag around. I bought an Eagle Creek rolling duffel some years ago when I was moving overseas, and it came in handy recently when I needed to pack and transport a bunch of pillows (they take up a lot of space). The specific bag I bought was available at A m a z o n and was called “Eagle Creek No Matter What Rolling Duffel Bag L – Featuring Durable Water-Resistant Fabric, Bar-Tacked Reinforcement, and Heavy Duty Treaded Wheels, Slate Blue – Large”. Ony caveat is that it can quickly surpass checked bag weight limits, depending on what you pack inside.

      Alternatively, for family travel, you might consider the largest checked-baggage style Travelpro two-wheeler — the price is right and they last, and if it falls apart for some reason, you won’t regret the price you paid. And if you anticipate rugged/heavy travel, check out the Travelpro “FlightCrew” line, which is only available at flight crew vendors (but easy to find these stores online). Similar pricing to their other lines intended for leisure or business travelers, but much sturdier construction and more pockets. I’m not sure if they have a big enough checked-baggage style, however, as they are intended for professional flight crew that usually don’t prefer checked baggage.

  3. People who work at nonprofits – how price sensitive are you when traveling?
    I will travel to a different country several times a year. The org says a flight there should be ~$1500

    The direct flight is often $1900 while flights with 1 layover are $1500 if booked ahead of times. So far my flights have been $1600 and $1700 and that was fine because I had to come with short notice and flights costs what they cost etc. One was direct round trip and the other was direct one way. Time of year makes a big difference too.

    1. Flight prices have gone up. Is that org number of $1500 coming from current flights or from flights a couple of years ago?

      Are there any other people at your organization traveling like you do? If so, can you ask them what they do, so you can get a better feel for how your organization actually operates?

      1. Ha I think $1500 was the pre-pandemic price tbh and now that travel has started up again they haven’t adjusted it.

        It’s going to be more than $1500 no matter what. I guess I’m just asking whether I should not take a direct flight to save a few hundred bucks or just take the flight that makes sense.

    2. Lol it’s nice they think what a flight should cost but reality is, it isn’t. I’m an employee, I work for a business that wants me to travel, and I’m not behaving like a backpacker. If there’s a direct flight that is what I book, and I book at convenient times and airports for me. If that’s over budget, then the travel clearly isn’t an org priority and doesn’t need to happen.

      1. I like how you think!!

        Yeah I’m supposed to go multiple times a year (which I’m fine with). But that means that if one time its too expensive for me to come .. . that’s fine, I don’t have to!

    3. I don’t know if this is a “and that’s how it should be” but when I was in nonprofits (2013-2018, so precovid, norms may have changed); yes, I would have (and often did) taken a flight with a layover to save the org $500/~30% of the approved cost for the route

      1. It’s common in federal government travel, too, where the GSA contract flights often have layovers even though the routes offer nonstop flights. Saving a few bucks is more important that the federal employee’s time.

    4. I agree that it makes more sense to take the direct flight; less chance of lost luggage, missed connections, and other disruptions that could cost your nonprofit more money to resolve or make you miss the scheduled activities. But ultimately this isn’t something you can crowdsource an answer to. Your manager and leadership are the only opinions that really matter here.

    5. I work at a nonprofit where we have to bill our time to projects. It’s usually cheaper to take the direct flight once you account for the time.

    6. Former not-for-profit worker here. Ask a colleague or two, HR, or your supervisor if the company has a travel policy. If there isn’t a policy, then book the direct flight. Unlike leisure travel, you getting there on time matters and the time you’re spending in transit matters. With so many cancellations and delays these days, chances are you will end up costing the company more with a hotel stay and meals in some random city and your time out of the office. When I have had controls this way, there was always a clear policy or system in place that was widely communicated (booking through a portal that limited what flights were available and seats and requiring a form if you needed to book something off of the portal, being told direct flights were OK but that the company would not cover differences for premium seating, being told not to bill room service over X dollars, use your own credit card vs. use the company’s (so the company gets miles), etc.) You shouldn’t have to guess on this. And if the travel is getting more costly for the company, then they will simply have fewer visits or will start budgeting more.

    7. I’m a development director, and most places I’ve worked at (except 1, which was a sh!tshow) wouldn’t mandate staff take the cheapest flight. I would go with the direct flight to avoid missing your conference/meeting. The price isn’t that different. I would do a purchase request or whatever the procedure is for the $1900 flight.

  4. I’m a counsel in a disputes-related area of BigLaw, and am trying to get out. I would love to go in house or the government. My question is whether there are recruiters to help find in house positions and if so, how to find them. So far, I’ve been searching on my own, but nothing has panned out.

    1. So there are recruiters that specialize in in-house placement, but they’re less useful than when you’re trying to lateral in biglaw. Many corporate legal departments only use recruiters for executive legal jobs (like GC and maybe Deputy GC), and at my company, we strongly prefer not to work with represented candidates. That’s because we don’t want to pay placement fees – unlike in firms, we’re a cost center rather than a profit center, and so it can be cost-prohibitive for us.

      In-house job searches can be long and disheartening, and they are often harder (in my experience) for candidates on the litigation side of the house because there are fewer litigation-related roles in in-house legal departments. If you haven’t already, make sure your LinkedIn is up to date and that you’ve marked that you’re looking for new opportunities (there is a specific setting that makes this visible only to people who are registered with LinkedIn as recruiters, I believe). A *lot* of in-house hiring is via professional networks – I was hired for my role by a former client that reached out to me, for example – and there are ways to let people know you’re looking even when you don’t want your firm to know.

      1. I find your second Paragraph so interesting. I am in a transactional practice in BigLaw, and I find that in my job search to go in house, all the positions in my city (Charlotte) want some amount of litigation experience, and that unless it’s requiring on point merger and acquisition experience, then any amount of litigation experience is good.

        1. That’s an interesting local trend (I actually have a good friend in Charlotte trying to make a lateral move out of a litigation practice and she’s really been struggling to find opportunities). That said, on the whole it is just a smaller part of in-house practice except in specific industries (like insurance). To give you an example, my company (major national bank) has about 250 lawyers – our pure litigation department is less than 10 people, and then we have a handful of other litigation-y practices (collections, employment, government investigations)…the total is maybe 10-15% of our staff.

          1. I’m the Charlotte poster. My husband works in house at one large banks here. He moved from litigation (doing some mortgage litigation, but more like general litigation stuff) into his first role at the bank, but has never been in the official/formal litigation division of the legal department. He’s done a lot of regulatory matters despite never working with federal agencies during his time at a firm. He’d be the first to tell you that he doesn’t use any of the direct, specific litigation things in his role, it’s really all just focused problem solving and risk management. All of his colleagues came from litigation and none are in the litigation division. It might just be one of those instances where if someone says “you never see jeep wranglers anymore” then all you will see are jeep wranglers!!!

          2. +1 for this, litigators are about 10% of our in-house staff. There are some former litigators in legal-adjacent roles like privacy and compliance and employment, but they’re not practicing law in their roles.

      2. +1 to everything anon at 9:29 said. I was coming from the litigation side of gov’t while searching in house, and it was indeed long and disheartening (and this was several years ago when the market was much better). I got my job through a fellow law school alum who put in a good word for me. Now that I’m on the other side and doing hiring, I see that we also do not pay for recruiters (with possibly the exception of the GC only, from what I’ve been told, so super high level), and that referrals automatically get put in a different pile for review. This is tech fwiw. The cost center point is especially important for far more than recruiting, which I didn’t understand until I got here. It tends to color everything we do and how much relative sway and power we have within the company. YMMV of course.

    2. There are but these days there’s a lot of lawyers on the market so they’re less necessary to hire. We also only tend to use recruiters for very high level roles, which isn’t most in-house jobs. I’d set up a search on LinkedIn and apply directly to anything that looks interesting. While semi-controversial, I like getting a well done cover letter (ie. make your pitch and tell me what you can’t in a resume and make it personalized). Also always try to find someone you know to refer you and pass your resume along.

    3. If you are in a disputes-related area, hopefully you have employment law experience or corporate investigations experience. Roles for this do exist in-house, and you manage outside counsel–you’re often not in court yourself. Most companies are not so litigious that they need FT litigation counsel, unless they are very large employers with tens of thousands of employees, or they are in a highly regulated area of law (say, home mortgages) where there’s tons of disputes. These jobs exist, but they are far less plentiful than corporate/securities counsel.

      Another easy way to pivot in-house it to get experience in data privacy and security. You can get an IAPP credential which signals interest, and privacy is easy to pivot to, if you are used to client counseling and regulations and drafting.

      Check out the goinhouse dot com guide. Good luck!

  5. I’ve never been very into shoes and have a hard time figuring out what I like or what goes with which outfit. If you were starting from scratch, what are some types of shoes you’d get that are on trend but classic/comfortable for this season? I usually wear yoga pants, ankle length or slightly longer black dress pants, jeans or dresses. I usually buy online, which I know makes things more difficult, but what are some go-to stores for well made but not outrageously expensive shoes? I’m in the northeast if that helps.

      1. Agreed. Fashion sneakers (like vejas) work with yoga pants, jeans or casual dresses. A pair of boots (chelsea or similar) work with everything you listed except the yoga pants. Maybe add loafters for the pants and some dresses for work, if you need to dress up a bit. You can certainly add flats or several types of sneakers or boots, but honestly just these 2-3 pairs is enough to cover all these outfits.

    1. Following with interest, as I am still trying to figure out the 2023 bizcas, cool-weather equivalent of bare feet in loafers.

    2. I have a very casual life, so these are my winter basics:
      white sneakers, dark sneakers.
      light colored casual boots (taupe for me, because it works with my light-colored hair)
      dark-colored casual boots for wearing everywhere with jeans
      black boots, dressier, to go with dark pants

      I don’t wear loafers (they fall off my feet), or need dress shoes for winter dresses.

    3. Sam Edelman
      Franco Sarti
      Cole Haan
      Nordstrom and Zappos carry a broad array of shoes in a variety of price points with good return policies and can serve as a way to identify brands you like for further research even if you don’t want to buy online.
      You will need sneakers if you are wearing yoga pants, for which you will probably want to search online or just browse a mall.

    4. Fashion sneakers, loafers, Chanel-inspired flats, flat mary janes, and boots (I like ankle and calf heights personally, higher I find limiting and tough to wear all day, but I love the look). I also think you should have a pair of classic black pumps too for dressing up and more formal occasions at work.

      1. PS – Cole Haan and the Stuart Weitzman outlet online are my sources these days for well made and on-trend shoes. I do love my golden goose sneakers (eye watering expensive but worth every penny) and I’ve recommended Freda Salvador before for interesting and extremely well made boots. I’m on season 5 of a few pairs from there that look new, and they were having a sale recently.

      2. These are the best classic black pumps I have ever worn, with a leather (not synthetic) “sock liner”: ECCO Women’s Shape M 35 Dress Pump. Unfortunately, I just checked and they are not available at A m a z o n or Z a p p p o s, so they might have been discontinued. I hope not. Don’t confuse them with a similar “Shape 35” ECCO pump, which is less costly and has a synthetic “sock liner,” much less comfortable.

    5. For fall while it’s not horrible to have exposed skin:
      Sneakers with yoga pants, jeans, maybe dresses depending on the dress
      Loafers with dress pants, jeans
      Short boots with the dress pants and dresses

      I tend to buy shoes online mostly, and just assume I’m going to have to return a lot. I probably buy the most from Nordstrom, and then if I know the manufacturer I’ll just go directly to the website and buy direct.

    6. If you have time for an in-person trip, I would go to Nordstrom and try stuff on to get a sense of what you like. Then you can see what else they have online, and they have a good return policy.

      My main fall shoe collection is 1) a pair of cute white sneakers (vejas) – I would wear them with jeans, dresses, yoga pants, and maybe dress pants depending on the overall outfit, 2) black leather loafers from Madewell – I’d wear them with everything except the yoga pants, 3) flat waterproof leather chelsea boots, I think from Aquatalia? Again, they go with everything you mention except yoga pants).

      Then, of course, being in the northeast like you, I’ve got the specialized snow boots, tall waterproof boots, short waterproof boots, etc.

    7. 6pm dot com – basically the Zappos outlet. You can filter by brand, material, etc. I also toggle back and forth between there and Am@zon to see if there’s better pricing on one vs the other.
      I’m on the casual end of business casual. Right now I have two pairs of loafers, fashion-y sneakers, combat boots and “fun” boots. We don’t get a ton of snow and I have a driving commute, so my hiking boots work for bad weather.

      1. I haven’t used 6pm in a while, but I remember their returns process was a bit more cumbersome – you had to go to the post office and print a label, they didn’t provide a prepaid label. Very often Amazon has the exact same shoe (as mentioned above) and free shipping and free, easier returns.

        1. Yes this. 6pm’s lack of even a return label, meaning lots of time needed to make a return, is not worth the slight discount.

    8. Cole Haan has comfortable, well-made mid-range shoes. I especially recommend their “Zero Grande” perforated mesh/stretch shoe with a sneaker-like sole if you’re in a business-casual environment.

      I also like Naot, Clarks, Dansko, Rothy’s (size up is the general wisdom), Salvatore Ferragamo (very easy to locate second-hand for MUCH cheaper than new), Ann Taylor (they do make shoes!) J. Crew for fun / stylish / trendy options, and Nordstrom for a variety of selections. I personally haven’t had luck with Dolce Vita or Franco Sarto but they do very reasonably priced interpretations of larger (not micro) trends.

    9. West coast chiming in. You need Birkenstock Clogs (the Boston style), preferably in taupe.

      1. SEUS chiming in: You only need those shoes if you want to continue to communicate “I’ve never been very into shoes and have a hard time figuring out what I like or what goes with which outfit.”

    10. I’d get: a pair of classic white sneakers (maybe adidas stan smith, cole haan, veja), a pair of comfortable office-appropriate loafers with a thicker sole so you can really walk around in them (so not moccasin style), and a pair of black chelsea boots/ankle boots with a good tread. These are my most used shoes.
      If you want more options, my other most used shoes are suede ankle boots with a slightly higher block heel, lace up boots with a chunky block heel, and combat boots with a side zip.

  6. Here’s a weird one – I’m looking for moon and star or moon and sun themed jewelry. It’s a little cheesy, but really describes my two kids. Have you seen any cute jewelry with a sun and moon? Any piece – necklace, earrings, or ring works.

    1. You can 100% lose yourself down a Etsy hole on this one. I just typed in “sun moon jewelry” and there are tons of great options.

    2. I gave my sister the “Starry Night Necklace” from Ariel Gordon a couple of years ago, and she loves it.

  7. Thanks to the hive for answering my question earlier this week! A quick vent into the void: My husband picked up his parents (without me) from the airport and in the roughly 30 minute ride to our house, my MIL managed to already ask “Don’t you want to be a dad one day?” He tried re-direct her (which didn’t work), and then said ‘we really enjoy being aunt and uncle to our niece.’ To which she responds – ‘but she’s not yours’. Yo, WE know she isn’t ours! We aren’t saying that! We can also enjoy being an aunt and uncle. Both or any of those options are perfectly valid life choices. AHHHHH

    We haven’t shared that we are TTC (and just found out that we are pregnant!) nor did we share our loss earlier this year – but, just like, WTF. My husband asked her to back off a while ago and we now understand that the message has worn off… ARGH. And they are here for four more nights. She isn’t brave enough to say any of it to my face, but I am just furious as it also is not nice or enjoyable for my husband to have to be asked all these questions.

    1. oh lord. My imaginary self wants to say All The Things like “every time you hint at us having kids, you have to put a dollar in the Birth Control Copay Jar” but I know that doesn’t work IRL. My sympathies and congratulations… maybe a secret Bingo card could turn her comments into a game?

    2. It sounds like it’s time for him to directly ask her to back off again. I know people shy away from being direct because it can be challenging, but it is the only thing that can work.

      1. +1. “Mom, I know you mean well, but these questions are actually upsetting to Anon in Canada and me. I want us to enjoy our time together. Please don’t ask us again about children.”

    3. I get that she’s overbearing and trust me I have a MIL who is too. But you’ll have an awful relationship with her and others if you don’t let it go. I am child free by choice and have dealt with the buddinskys peddling children for my entire marriage and I came to realize, at base, they just want you both to be happy. Some people struggle to understand that happy means different things for people and that kids aren’t part of “happy” for a lot of people. I’d recommend seeing the positive intent in what is coming out all wrong, dismiss it in your mind and at least you know that yeah, you will in less than a year align with her idea of happiness when you have your kid.

      1. I’m childfree by choice and I really agree with most of your comment. But I do think the questions about having kids hit way, way different when you’re not childfree by choice like the OP, and actively trying. I don’t feel any kind of hard or sad feelings to not having kids, so it’s super easy for me to dismiss these comments. But when someone does want kids and then has to field these questions, I can see that that would be so much harder.

        Anon in Canada – I get not wanting to to share that you’re TTC, I really do. I don’t have a relationship with my parents where we share a lot of personal stuff with my parents. However, in this scenario, if I was your husband, I would have one quick conversation with his mom telling her that you’re trying to conceive and it’s difficult and a hard subject and you don’t want to talk about it. Now, if it’s my mom or MIL, that would be enough – she’s really good about dropping things once I tell her directly that something is too hard to talk about. However, my best friend’s MIL would be awful and would not let it drop and then have a lot of random unsolicited advice. So, if your MIL is the latter, probably no conversation. But if he told her once and she backed off, perhaps a quick reminder would do the trick since it’s a 4 day visit.

        1. I wouldn’t tell her. If she’s been this nosy, giving her more info will just invite endless questions and unsolicited advice. My FIL is like this (not about TTC specifically, he didn’t really care about that, but in general) and we have to put him on a limited information diet.

        2. Isn’t that why OP and/or her husband should use their words and tell MIL directly what is happening? Or don’t have anyone in the house for 4 days if you can’t be honest with them.

        3. I could see my grandmother (who is no longer with us and was a lovely, well meaning woman in many ways) responding to that quiet comment by immediately calling everyone she knows to cry about how we are infertile and have been rejected by every adoption agency.

          I see how that might be seen as an exaggeration, but one time when we were teens my friend cut his finger while chopping vegetables for dinner and had to go to a hospital and my grandmother told all the neighbors that the friend slit his wrists after a fight with his stepfather and his mom found him half dead and rushed him to the hospital by ambulance. She should have been writing scripts for soap operas instead of bookkeeping.

          So yeah, you just can’t have a rational conversation with some people and I’m sure if OP could quietly tell MIL that they are TTC and to drop it, she would have.

    4. My MIL was like that before we had kids, both to me and to my spouse. After a few deflections I snapped and said “well, maybe we won’t even have kids” even though we had already decided to have kids (though weren’t yet TTC). That stopped the comments, and she was very happy when we did announce that we were having our first kid.

      And in a tale oft told on this board, she is not a particularly involved or enthusiastic grandparent now that the kids are here, in fact I’d say the opposite. A cautionary tale for anyone making assumptions about their parents or in-laws.

      1. Yep. This was my sister-in-law’s experience as well. Once the actual kid arrive, it was far less interesting. I think our MIL wanted stories to tell her friends and family.

    5. Is there a reason your husband can’t say “hey mom, that’s a pretty sensitive subject. Can you please not bring it up? It leads to tough feelings.” It’s weird that grown people don’t understand this.

      Sorry you’re dealing with that. I’m petty as the day is long and I’d be tempted to keep that pregnancy quiet until I was very far along out of spite. As a side note, I did keep both my pregnancies to myself and my husband for a long time and it kept me from quite a few bossy lectures.I highly recommend it.

    6. Ugh. WHY don’t people get this? It just seems like Basic Manners 101 – mind your own business about other people’s reproductive choices, even if they are your family.

      1. One of my cousins accidentally got pregnant when she was 21 and elected to keep the baby and marry the father. I got a lot of comments about how I had let my cousin “beat me” in giving my grandparents the first great-grandchild, and she was so much younger than I was, what was up with me? Didn’t I want to have a baby? People didn’t know that at that point, we’d been trying for over a year and had just started fertility treatment. The comments were so pervasive we skipped my cousin’s wedding because we just couldn’t deal with the intrusive questions and having the same conversation over and over. That was a really painful time.

      2. Hard disagree that this is none of his mother’s business. Who else would be more invested? I am not saying she gets to decide, or to be let in on every detail, or that this mother may have crossed some boundaries (though given that she’s being kept in the dark, it is probably hard for her to surmise just where those boundaries lie). But inquiring generally about his desires and plans isn’t bad manners. That’s just cray-cray. It also isn’t bad manners for her to be worried that this is something her son wants but might not get or may regret not pursuing in the future. And if a couple really does treat it like none of their parents’ business, then they certainly don’t get to then complain when grandma and grandpa take a hands-off approach when the babies arrive.

        1. I fundamentally disagree that it’s anyone else’s business. It is only your business if you’ve been invited; no relationship entitles you. As a parent, it’s my job to create a relationship with my child that encourages them to want to share with me. My in laws did not do that when my spouse was growing up or even when I met them – every sharing of anything personal like that was met with laughter, teasing, or judgment/criticism. I hope that when my kids have kids, they will share their ups and downs along that path if they want – but that’s on me to provide a safe landing space for them, as well as to recognize it’s their decision as adults to make ultimately.

          And to be clear, and kind of for these reasons, I’m not really upset that my in laws aren’t super involved. It’s just that I had thought based on their level of interest in my uterus that they would be similarly interested in the offspring. But no.

    7. Ok but that’s a normal question? Why not just say “yes, I very much hope to be a dad one day, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask more questions about it. When we have news to tell you will know.” It is his mom not a stranger and you literally are pregnant.

      1. I have found that engaging is actually the best approach and a way to redefine the parental relationship from parent-child (teenager) to adult. I would consider sharing exactly what’s going on, when you keep things surface, you get surface comments. When you share your real life, you get a deeper relationship. This isn’t a stranger, this is your husband’s parents. They also probably have dreams of their own and a way they hoped life would go and that’s probably behind the questions. By engaging as you would a friend, you can gain mutual understanding and probably support if things go wrong. These people raised your loving husband and I’d assume some positive intentions here. Even if they’re the literal worst, it just drags you down to engage that way.

          1. I think that is great in an ideal situation. I know this type of approach would have made my MIL double down with outdated, intrusive “advice” in the guise of being understanding and helpful. Some parents don’t want truly equal adult relationships with their children, they want to remain in control.

            I’m glad that is not the case for many people, but unfortunately it doesn’t work for everyone. The fact that the husband told her to back off already, which a normal adult with respect to the asker would have immediately done, but it hasn’t “stuck,” suggests she is not prepared to have such a relationship.

          2. Agree. We tried this approach and the nosy aunts and MIL doubled down…tripled down. How I wish I could have screamed “hey lady, my uterus is shaped like a heart and I’ve had three surgeries to repair it so go !@#$^@ off.”

            There’s a time and place for delicate redirection and there’s a time and place for putting someone in said place. I love my family, and even my in laws, but we shut them down HARD at a certain point. Now, 5 years removed with 1 kid in the living and one in utero, I have zero regrets that we handled it as firmly as we ultimately had to.

            OP, I give you full permission to be as busy and out of the home as you need to be during their visit to protect yourself and your emotional well-being.

          3. This will work great for people who can read social cues and are respectful. For those who aren’t, it will cause them to propose silly “solutions “ and advice and ask more prying questions. My mom was type one, and my MIL was type two. She has continued in this way, and now is onto “but Kid must have a sibling! How could you deprive her of that bond!” after IVF for our only child, who will probably remain an only for a lot of reasons. Know which type you have first!

          4. I agree with Cerulean. I’m pretty open about my fertility journey. Several coworkers know, in part because I’m in a position of authority and I want to normalize taking time off for medical/pregnancy/family stuff. I’ll talk to relative strangers about it; in fact I just had a rather lengthy conversation about IVF with a friend of a friend of a friend at a wedding. I’ve found a lot of support from unexpected places.

            But my own mother doesn’t even know we’re trying. She pries and follows up too much. If she knows I have some goal, even something innocuous like fixing a door we never use, she will follow up every time I talk to her. Is it done yet. Why not. I don’t understand what’s taking so long. How have you not finished it yet. What are you doing to finish. Have you tried X. She makes me feel like a failure over unimportant not stressful things, no way am I talking to her about an important stressful thing.

        1. Unfortunately, the only way to get some parents to see you as an adult is to act like an adult. I don’t ask for permission to be treated with dignity any more than I ask their permission to do anything else. I’m too old to let my parents force conversations on me that I do not want to have, control my life, or make my decisions for me. Those aren’t acceptable ways to behave towards me and I do not allow people in my life to treat me that way.

        2. I agree in theory, but it doesn’t work with some people. And also some couples like to keep certain conversations just between them. My spouse and I are deep into a month’s long conversation about whether or not to have a second child, and we’re keeping that to ourselves. Once we decide not to, or are pregnant, we will share that openly with family and close friends as appropriate. But some things are just for the two of us.

      2. This.

        ‘How’s the TTC going?’ is intrusive.

        ‘Are you thinking of having kids someday?’ is normal.

        Just have him give a vague answer like ‘we do see ourselves having kids at some point down the road. We’ll let you know if there is every any news.’

        1. There’s a big difference between “are you thinking of kids” and “don’t you want kids??” The first is open ended. The second suggests the response the speaker is looking for, casts judgment on any alternative response, and implies some immediacy. Even if you were open to discussing your fertility journey with the speaker, the second question would put you on the defensive and make you feel uncomfortable in a way that the first question would not.

      3. +1. Life choices and the future are normal things to talk about with family. Either tell the truth (not necessarily the pregnancy, but that you do hope for that someday) and/or say it’s a sensitive subject and you prefer not to discuss it further right now.

        (My husband’s family does this weird never-pry-or-share-opinions thing and it’s so odd to me. They think they’re close, but spend half of every conversation talking about the weather and the neighbors. Why not talk about hopes and dreams and struggles together?)

        1. You don’t get to define their closeness! Maybe they only talk about surface stuff sometimes but they’re super there for each other. It’s okay they’re different from your family and this doesn’t sound harmful.

          1. I take your point (and that’s what he says) but how can you be “super there for each other” when you don’t know what happening in each other’s lives (or hearts)? My MIL had (minor) surgery this week and I guarantee my husband forgot and never checked in with her. And I had a miscarriage last month and he didn’t tell them (not for any huge reason, mostly because he only talks to them every other week). So, no, I don’t think that’s close; you can’t truly be there in the big things if you don’t care enough to involve each other in the smaller things.

          2. I agree with you 12:17. Also, people aren’t perfect but as long as their hearts are in the right place I can forgive a lot.

          3. Ahhh— that makes sense. I think that not showing up for surgery and things like that are different from not sharing hopes and dreams. My boyfriend doesn’t have deep talks with his family at all, but everyone is always doing favors for each other and they’re certainly close.

    8. I have zero tolerance for this level of cruelty. I would have said “My wife miscarried a few months ago. She doesn’t need you behaving like this.” And then I would have turned the car around, dropped her off at the airport, and told her that she is welcome to visit again once she learns manners and compassion.

      Harsh? This level of stupidity requires it.

      1. Behaving like what? Asking her son if he wants to be a dad? Your response is insane.

        1. If you are never honest with people then how are they to know what you’re feeling. Son needs to address it head on. It’s his MOM, not great aunt Sally who he sees every three years.

      2. I mean, I get the frustration as somebody else who fielded a lot of insensitive questions during fertility treatments, but this response is way, way out of proportion to the question MIL asked.

    9. I might consider telling her (or having your husband tell her) you’re TTC, have experienced a loss, and you simply will not be answering any baby questions or discussing any of it further because it is painful and intrusive, and if/when you have anything to share you will let her know. If she thinks you just don’t want kids or are unsure, I don’t think she will stop pestering you until she feels she has “changed your mind.” That said, it is also completely within your rights to continue telling her nothing, as her behavior is incredibly rude and inappropriate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    10. Your husband needs to say to both his parents “You know I love you but the topic of children is none of your business. If and when, we’ll let you know, but you need to stop asking.” I suggest both parents because sometimes one parent will tell the other to knock it off.

      Then, if they bring it up again, repeat you know I love you but we are not talking about it. You need to be loving but very direct.

    11. Sometimes you can “break the loop” by asking “What outcome are you hoping for with this type of heckling and nagging? Because honestly, it’s not having any sort of positive effect.” Basically calling out the structural issues with her hassling you. Point out that if she had any sort of strategic mindset, she would be doing things like establishing a day care fund or college fund, setting up a little kids’ room or area in her house for visits, kid-proofing her house, getting her Red Cross cert so she can babysit, perhaps putting together a little “hope chest” –stuff like that to refocus that energy, proving herself a trusted and caring family member, showing quiet support, etc.

      1. If son and DIL don’t want to share any personal information on any level, then grandma should not preemptively put herself out there to pay for college

    12. For your husband: “Mom, I don’t perform well under pressure.”

      For you (to yourself): “I have a seeeecret!”

    13. This is very much a know your family situation, but you will put an end to all of this if your husband says “Mom, wife had a miscarriage earlier this year. Every time you ask about this it is very upsetting.” It will be the end of it. The message can also be delivered by your husband’s sibling. Co-signed, the sibling that got my parents to shut up.

      1. Will it be the end of it? For some people maybe, but I feel like this MIL would want to know all the details about the miscarriage, recommend fertility doctors, offer advice about how her friend’s daughter’s coworker got pregnant by eating pomegranate seeds every day, etc etc. Less information is generally better with nosy people.

        1. I think this is a “know your family” situation. My MIL would frequently ask us about having kids – and even went so far as to say that their childfree friends were “weird” which is quite rude and was super unappreciated when we were leaning toward childfree – but if we had been open about a miscarriage and TTC I think it would have been entirely different bc MIL experienced several miscarriages herself. I think there’s a difference between being truly awful and being overly invested in having grandchildren.

          1. I guess I feel like it’s not necessarily “truly awful” to give well-intentioned advice to someone who you kno is TTC. At least, it’s not any worse than prying about the timeline for kids. But it doesn’t sound like something OP wants, so I don’t think they should tell her.

          2. Unless you are a doctor, who specializes in infertility, there is no well-meaning advice you can get. If they want advice about how to get pregnant, they will go to somebody who is trained and knowledgeable in that area.

            Signed, someone who experienced infertility and got so much horrible and hurtful “well-meaning” advice from people who had no idea

          3. I fully agree that it’s inappropriate to give advice on this subject unless you’re the couple’s doctor, but if someone keeps prying about TTC timelines, are they really going to be able to refrain from offering advice when they learn the couple is struggling with fertility? I feel like anyone who’s rude enough to constantly hound a couple about when they’re finally going to have kids is also going to have lots of thoughts about fertility.

          4. Genuinely curious, what advice do you think you are going to give a couple who is struggling? Do you think they don’t know how babies are made?

    14. I came from an open family so MIL would have absolutely known if I miscarried even though we were not close. It is pretty natural for her to want grandbabies and she may be shocked and suprised to learn that you guys were trying and that you miscarried and she didn’t know. That seems really standoffish to the point that it is clear that neither of you want a real relationship with her. Which is a fine choice for you to make but then why pretend to be having a relationship with her?

      1. +1, my MIL knew I miscarried (I was fine with my husband sharing that with his immediate family) and then was also among the first to know when we got pregnant. I agree with the response above to just engage directly as you would with a close friend (assuming the rel’ship is otherwise good, which it sounds like it is?)

      2. +1. We love my in-laws but they are VERY Catholic and conservative and we are…the opposite, so our relationship has been tense at times. They are pretty traditional/old school in many ways, but we know they love us dearly and do mean well. They were somewhat annoying about asking us if we were ever going to have kids, but we shrugged it off every time and decided that if and when we started trying, we would eventually shut it down if we started having difficulties by being open about our challenges. We were lucky enough to conceive immediately, and ended up telling them at 4 weeks bc we were visiting (and they drink a lot so not drinking for a week was a bit of a giveaway). MIL cried and it was a really sweet moment. If I were to miscarry, we would have told them bc the questions around “are you ever going to have kids?” would be too painful. Yes in an ideal world they would know that on their own, but I would prefer to look for solutions than put up hard boundaries that push away the people who care about you.

        1. I had a lot of baggage regarding my mother in law and we never told her we were 11 weeks pregnant with our second the last summer we saw her. She died a month later, quite unexpectedly of heart failure. Even though she was a very difficult person, I struggle knowing how happy it would have made her to know that a second grandchild was coming.

    15. We waited a long time to TTC and also had overbearing parents and relatives who would constantly ask if we were trying to have kids. We both just repeated “We’re having lots of fun practicing!”. When I reached the end of my rope at the Thanksgiving table one year, I yelled “I could have just had a miscarriage or seen a fertility doctor or had some other difficult issue happen. If I wanted you to know, I would have already told you. At best your question is rude and at worst you are being actively cruel. You all need to stop and never ask questions like that again.” We left early and while I’m sure they all gossiped, they never said anything to our faces again.

      Fast forward five years, and my SIL confides in me that they’ve gone through several rounds of IVF over the past two years, after countless miscarriages, and she appreciates my blowup so long ago. It let her deal with her grief on her timeline.

      So maybe cause a scene at a holiday dinner?

      1. Honestly, this is what someone needs to say to her. Ideally, DH would have said it to her in the car when she started in with her questions, but one of you could say it the next time she says something (and there will be a next time, unfortunately). Ideally he would have also said “there will be no more questions or discussions on this topic during this trip or at any point in the future. IS THAT CLEAR?”

        Some people just don’t understand that this is a fraught line of questioning until they are told in no uncertain terms of the reasons it can be so fraught, and it sounds like MIL has failed to grasp the meaning of more gentle deflections.

        1. I agree. With my family, my mom and her generation pretty much all had accidental babies in their early 20’s. Even now, half of all pregnancies are still unplanned. I think they just genuinely don’t think of all the things that the demographic of this s!ite thinks about when talking about having kids. It doesn’t click that it’s rude until someone points it out.

          1. That’s a good point.

            I think they also don’t really appreciate all that is hard about IVF – expense, low success rate (relative to trying to have a baby via intercourse at age 22), it puts you through the wringer. Our generation has seen enough women try IVF and not get their wanted baby, or go through like four years of it for one kid and then just not even try for another, that we don’t expect that *of course* you can just have a baby even if you’re old or infertile.

            This isn’t to start an IVF debate, just that a lot of people don’t really get that it isn’t a magic bullet.

      2. Another vote for causing a scene.

        My MIL has been (mostly) sweet as pie to my face for the past decade or so because I got a bit shouty at a restaurant about why our house was so old and small. I pretty much lost my temper and said, “There are three ways we can get a bigger, nicer house. I can quit my job, get a better-paying one and never see my kids during daylight hours. Your son can quit his job, get a better-paying one and never see my kids during daylight hours. Or, we can keep our jobs, move to a place where we’d commute two hours each way, and never see our kids during daylight hours. Which one do you suggest?” Then I walked out of the restaurant for a breather.

        She puts it down to the fact I was pregnant, but it was a long-running issue and I had finally had enough of her nonsense. Honestly, there are some people who just won’t respect boundaries until they are told very, very sternly to back the f- off.

    16. Wishing you fortitude for the next few days! These questions are so common, which helps people get away with them, but that doesn’t make them pleasant… At least she’s directing some of them at your husband!

      Many years ago I told my mother that while I understood why she would want grandkids, that was not a good reason for me and my husband to have a baby. She still remembers it to this day, so it must have stung, even though I said it as nicely as I knew how. Interesting fact: she never asked again…

  8. Going into nyc on Sunday with my 8 year old daughter to do a little shopping. It’s a daytrip but we’ll be there most of the day.

    What would you wear?

    1. Warm clothes — temps are falling off a cliff on Sunday but at least it will be sunny.

    2. I’d wear straight leg jeans, sneakers (adidas samba), a crew neck sweater (quince alpaca diamond stitch sweater), a belt, and a red lip.

      1. Ahh, I like your taste. I would do the same getup: straight leg jeans (my trusty j crew essential straight), comfy white sneakers for walking (mine are the adidas grand court but i’ve seen lots of vejas around), and a cozy sweater over a long-sleeve t. Small backpack (holds water, a book, a jacket and has room for small purchases for both OP and kid), big earrings.

        1. I’m the OP and we are bringing an American girl doll along so we are going full on backpack but otherwise this is the plan. We are taking the train in from my parents’ house so we need a daypack level of crap.

      2. OP here! This is helpful and I can work with it; I’ve got versions of all your suggestions ;).

      3. Really helpful. My typical suburban mom is a little too pumpkin spice and I also wanted to avoid boots if possible.

  9. Two friends and I are headed to NYC for one of their milestone birthdays! She has never been and is interested in food (vegan/vegetarian), good museums, and maybe some shopping. Looking for a long weekend of activities, and we are driving (Friday AM – Sunday late afternoon). I was planning on parking in NJ (Hoboken???) and taking public transit in the city. Good plan? Any fun hotel recommendations / areas of the city to stay in? Nightly budget would prefer under $300, but could go $400. Any great museum recommendations? Great cocktails & views? Broadway????

    1. Check out Superiority Burger for amazing and fun vegan/vegetarian food, plus cocktails and a great atmosphere. Dirt Candy has a vegetarian tasting menu. abcV could be combined with a shopping trip to abcHome. I’ve been wanting to try Ophelia Lounge for rooftop cocktails though it’s in kind of a random neighborhood. The rooftop bar at the Wythe in Williamsburg has great views of Manhattan. You could easily combine a visit to one of the museums (MoMA, the Met, the Guggenheim) with a stop-off in Central Park, which could be nice in the next few weeks, foliage-wise, a real When Harry Met Sally situation.

      In addition to Broadway you could look for performances at Lincoln Center or Carnegie Hall – to me they feel grander and more special/elevated (and more of an excuse to dress up), but it is of course dependent on your interests.

      1. +1 for abc V. Nubeluz at the Ritz Carlton Nomad is a great rooftop spot for drinks. You need to book reservations in advance.

      1. yeah, don’t assume parking in hoboken is easy. you’ll need a garage that isn’t full.

      1. Great questions. Mid November! Not Thanksgiving.

        Personally, I want to visit the museum of $ex, and I would love another off-beat museum, but I suspect the birthday girl also wants to do MoMA and/or Guggenheim.

        1. Okay, see if you like whatever special exhibition will be on view at the Guggenheim; if not, skip it as it is fairly small and they don’t show much of the permanent collection at any given time. I personally love the Met over MoMA but if you like modern art, MoMA makes sense. The Whitney and the New Museum are a little cooler and more focused on contemporary art. The Met does have a new Degas+Manet exhibit that will be crowd-pleasing. For more offbeat, the Tenement Museum is an obvious choice. I also like a lot of the exhibits at the Museum of Art and Design, which is more fine crafts, but see what they have on view; it is also fairly small. The current iteration of the American Folk Art Museum is tiny but they do have great stuff and it is free and near Lincoln Center. Going up in the crown of the Statue of Liberty is one of the coolest things I have ever done, and Ellis Island is really interesting if you like history stuff. But getting to either will take a lot of a day as the security process + ferry is time consuming. For Broadway, I loved Kimberly Akimbo and want to see Purlie Victorious. Jaja’s African Hair Braiding is hilarious and great for a group of women but will probably be closed by mid-November unless it gets extended. If she is a Sondheim fan his last work is running at the Shed, which is itself a cool new venue.

        2. Maybe visit the Whitney, with great outdoor views of the city, combined with a walk on the High Line to Cookshop.

        3. The Neue Galerie is a quite accessible small museum, and has a fantastic Viennese café on the first floor, Café Sabarsky, offering excellent German/Austrian cuisine (wiener schnitzel, sachertorte, weiss wurst, goulasch). The Klimt “woman in gold” (Adele Bloch Bauer I) painting is among the the collected works usually on display. The entrance fee is a bit high, but that’s NYC.

    2. I highly recommend a trip to Dominique Ansel bakery in Soho for some delicious pastries – the vanilla milk in a cookie cup was amazing. There’s a cute hidden patio in the back of the small bakery. Also, walking around Little Island was fun. Shopping in SoHo has a good vibe. I stayed at the Sonesta Shelburne, which is an easy walk to Times Square, the Library and Bryant Park.

  10. Fluff of the day question from teen kid who is years too young to drive still. Was blonde as a baby. Now it would be blonde in parts of the world where everyone is dark brunette but at best “light golden brown”. Can she still identify as a blonde on a drivers license? She has Concerns about this.

    I am deeply brown, so just chuckling. Maybe until someone checks the box for gray.

    1. Hah, I think it’s all relative. I have incredibly dark brown hair by white people standards but my Chinese-American friend refers to me as “blonde.” I think you can self-identify as whatever you want on the license.

    2. Wait until she is old enough for a license. My father’s hair was dark brown by college; mine stayed blonde.

    3. Chuckling too because she reminds me of a college friend whose hair was on the blonde/brown line but preferred to call herself brunette because she loathed the phrase “dirty blonde” as opposed to prettier phrases like “golden brown” or “sandy brown.”

      Honestly I bet that whether she gets away with calling herself blonde on the DL will be dictated by who is working the day the DL is issued. The default is going to be brown.

      1. In our area, women are very blonde from the salon but most everyone is at least medium to dark brown (population is mostly Black and Hispanic), so getting to be blonde in my part of Louisiana may be easier here than somewhere like Minnesota. IDK.

    4. My hair was RED as a baby but has darkened substantially. Now it’s half brown, half gray. Still brown on my license, but if I were a romance novel heroine I could be passably auburn.

      1. Yes — auburn. Titian. Etc. So many good words for hair color. “Dishwater blonde” is IMO the worst though.

    5. In case it makes you feel better, I just transferred my license to WI and they asked me on the DMV application for WEIGHT. Which I thought was just for their records. But no. It’s on my actual license! Now I wish I had lied. :)

      1. Is that not normal? I’ve had driver’s licenses in three states and they all had this.

        1. I got my 10 year license renewed when I was great with child, so this would have been in no way helpful to weigh me 30 pounds up from typical for me.

      2. it really doesn’t make a lot of sense when you think about it; where I am your license is good for 5 years and a person could have a lot of weight fluctuations in that time.

      3. In NJ I had weight on it decades ago and ugh. Not what a teen girl wants. NC does not do this.

        1. This is my question, too. I’ve had licenses in 5 states, and every one of them had the weight on it.

        2. NY. It’s a 10 year license, so agree that it’s meaningless due to weight fluctuations!

      4. Oh I 100 lie, I’m the same weight and hair color on my license as I was in high school and it’s in no way an issue ever.

    6. I had to go look, but my DL doesn’t include hair color, just eye color. So it might depend on your state as to whether this is even an issue.

      She should just put down whatever she wants. If she’s feeling blond that day or plans to get highlights soon, put down blond. If she feels like maybe she’s in a goth or emo period, she can put down brown. I can guarantee that the DMV people DGAF and aren’t going to scrutinize whatever she selects.

    7. Have her ask her hair stylist or colourist.

      Blonde is both about appearance and relative lightness, but also about the actual colour pigments in the hair. A professional who works will colour will be able to give her a professional judgement.

      I’m a natural blonde Scandinavian, and see dark blonde people everyday. They’re not brown haired just because they’re getting darker during winter or by age, it’s still a 6 not a 5 on the hair colour charts.

  11. In my current job as a federal government attorney, I don’t do a lot of writing. Being a good writer is something that I’ve been really proud of in the past, and have gotten good feedback on, but I feel myself losing that skill. I sat down to write a small section of a brief earlier this week and it felt so much harder than it used to. What can I do to keep this skill fresh so I don’t lose it? I’d be up for writing a legal article but don’t have any topic ideas so I’m really looking for any way to not lose the writing skill. Anyone have ideas for how to keep your writing skills fresh? It doesn’t have to be brief writing specifically, just any kind of writing!

    1. What part of the writing skill do you feel like you’re losing? When I am most stuck in trying to write, it’s because I don’t know what I want to say. Today I need to write three paragraphs. Once I know what I want to say, it’s going to be a breeze to write them. But because I’m fuzzy on what to say that will work for this audience, I am blocked on the writing. That’s why I’m writing here, instead.

      Are you losing your ability to construct sentences, paragraphs, and outlines? Or are you losing the ability to sum up a logical train of thought concisely, or are you losing your ability to keep yourself in front of your keyboard long enough to get something written?

    2. I think part of it is just being in the habit of writing. Could you journal a few minutes a day, even if it’s unrelated to your job? Putting words on paper regularly may help you keep in that mindset.

    3. Legal writing is its own kind of skill and requires practice to keep those skills up, but I think doing any writing in general is a good idea. Reading a lot also helps with writing.

  12. I’ll be graduating from my Ph.D. program soon and start interviewing sometime in the next 6-9 months. I just realized I don’t have a decent suit since haven’t gone on an interview in 4 years or even know how I want to present myself (makeup, hair, accessories, etc. -wise).

    What is your go-to interview look to come across as confident and put-together? Do you wear makeup? Any recs for solid interview heels or wedges, and a good interview suit (max budget is around $700)?

    I’ll be interviewing at a range of places including research institutions, academia, and industry if that helps.

    1. I feel best in a dress with a matching jacket suit in blue or green. I wear black shoes, black bag. And I do wear makeup to interviews even though I don’t day to day. I find that a simple tinted moisturizer, concealer, mascara, touch of blush and a lipstick make me look much more polished.

    2. I wear an “interesting” suit–either the full suit or I have a coordinating set of a waistcoat + blazer in a beautiful plaid with a very subtle shimmer thread in it, with formal slacks. I pair it with kitten heels for walkability (there’s often a surprising amount of trotting around and looking at various things during interviews). By interesting I mean it has a pattern, it might be slouchy or oversized/draped, it has a peplum detail on the jacket, or in the case of my Banana Republic X Harbison suit, it’s bright cyan blue and has a 70s look. This may or may not be too outre for your field, but personally I like to show my personality and creative side, as I’ve struggled in very buttoned-up and conventional offices and I don’t want places like that to hire me or for places to feel mislead or “confused” about what they’re getting. I got my more conservative suit from MM Lafleur, their Cheyenne dress in Sharkskin and matching blazer–they both have a gorgeous gathered detail in the center that makes for a subtle statement. I also have the matching sharkskin midi pencil skirt, and I’ll pair that with a fun-print button front blouse, like from Kate Spade or Tory Burch.

      For hair and makeup, I do take a great deal of time and care. I blow dry my hair and then put it in a conservative updo like a low bun or a twist up chignon with no ends showing. I use hair products like shine spray and finishing cream. I wear a full face of makeup—foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow (neutrals), mascara, highlighter (this is more for Zoom) and contour (again for Zoom), lipstick. I use products like primer and setting spray. However I like makeup and I will do makeup when I’m WFH by myself (not that much though) so YMMV. I think for those that haven’t worn makeup in years, a dash of concealer over any “flaws”, a dusting of blush, mascara and a touch of tinted balm just to amp up your natural features would be fine, especially in academia.

      Jewelry I go for conventional and discreet–small gold studs, my wedding set, perhaps a simple bangle or an additional simple ring. I typically choose my most expensive/luxe looking items for a boost in confidence.

      Perfume, I will dot on a very, very small amount of my “good luck” perfume oil that’s much more of a personal aura–only I can really smell it. I’d say a tiny, tiny spritz of something Jo Malone-y just enough to barely smell it, would be sufficient if you’re into scents.

    3. I’m in academia, and this is very field dependent, but in my STEM field, most faculty candidates don’t wear suits, though some do. Either way, be prepared to walk A LOT, so make sure your shoes and outerwear are appropriate. I had at least one interview in considerable snow, and heels or wedges would definitely have been the wrong choice.

      1. Yep, also in STEM and academia and you need to make an effort to look “nice”, but many people will interview in a blazer and nice jeans and it’s not counted against them at all.

    4. I think for anyone interviewing anywhere, the #1 consideration is what you feel most comfortable/confident in, then building your interview look around that. For me, that means pants (vs a skirt), flats or low heels, minimal jewelry, clean lines, some makeup (but not a lot), and a sharp-looking bag. I like black, but a know people who love color and would not feel like themselves in head-to-toe neutrals.
      I do think a suit is a useful tool for professional interviews, as it’s automatically put-together, BUT, it doesn’t have to be a super-formal, stuffy suit. For example, I recently wore one with flats and a fine-striped tee which dressed it down slightly to what I needed. The level of formality will depend on where you’ll be interviewing. The cut of suit will depend on your body type.
      One thing that makes me feel confident is sharp accessories – shoes, bag. I think those details are what bring a look together and show thought was put into the look.

    5. My advice is look the part. I think of how Hollywood would cast me as an XYZ and I dress for that but one step up from an every day look. So for a law firm, classic suit with an interesting blouse and jewelry, polished hair, heels, etc. For an in-house tech company role, something trendier and less formal but still polished. For academia, I’d look around at what your professors wear and go for that ( I don’t have a sense, been too long). Obviously get something that fits you well and you feel good in.

  13. Anyone here with endometriosis and an email they’re willing to share? I’d love to make some friends who understand the experience of being incredibly high achieving and exhaustingly battling endo. I’m down to connect with others with other situations where the body feels like a betrayal. (Sorry to be a downer, just really struggling with this today.)

  14. How did you know your partner was The One? How long into the relationship were you? At what point in the relationship did you share that knowledge? At what point did your partner share that awareness with you?

    1. Immediately, or more accurately within an hour on our first date. I love you two weeks later, married 3 months later. 10 years ago and still feel that way.

    2. I think we were about 3 months into the relationship when I thought this was it. About the time we said ILY. We moved in together about 7 months into it, but had been living at each others place for a couple of months at that point. We had never lived with partners before, and were in our late twenties, so it was pretty clear to all that it was very serious at that point. It took him another 3 years after that to propose, mainly because he was quite happy as-is and only proposed because marriage was important to me.
      17 years later, still together, and 2 kids now.

    3. We both knew very early on that it was going to be a serious relationship. We just clicked and it felt natural. We were SO young when we met though (I was 22 and he was 24), so it felt kind of crazy to me. 3 months in he told me he was talking to a friend and said he couldn’t see a scenario where we didn’t end up together. I remembered thinking how sweet but incredibly naive that was, we were babies and had only known each other 3 months! But here we are almost 9 years later, married for 4 years with a baby on the way and couldn’t be happier. We had a VERY rocky year though between 6-18months where we ended up going to couples counseling. Friends thought I was insane for not just dumping him bc we were fighting so much, but we both had to learn how to communicate. I can confidently say now that I think we have one of the strongest relationships out of most of the people we know because we did counseling and learned those critical skills. All that to say, if I had listened to advice back in 2016 it would’ve been “dump him” but I’m so glad I didn’t. You just need to go with your gut on this one.

    4. Within an hour on the first date for me, within two days for him. Shared this three days after we met.

    5. Pretty much immediately. We were discussing baby names about two weeks in. We didn’t actually get married super fast (we had been dating for 2 years when we got engaged and 3.5 when we got married) but we both knew we were getting married long before our formal engagement.

    6. It was several months for me. We actually dated for a few months, then I broke up with him for insane reasons (for example, he was always SO happy to see me…how is this a problem?), and then once I realized that I was the problem, I straightened out and we ended up getting back together. After that, it was just really, really easy. I was relaxed and myself around him in a way that I hadn’t felt with other people I’d dated — that was a huge wake-up call for me, how I just felt safe and at ease with him. We were able to work through conflict in a healthy way. He was exceptionally kind to my family and friends (still is). We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 11, two kids.

    7. Knew pretty much immediately, borne out by a generally easy drama-free relationship (not that we never disagreed, just nothing that couldn’t be worked through with a thoughtful conversation) and compatible lifestyle preferences. Started incorporating each other into long-term plans within about 3 months of dating. Engaged after a year.
      Together now for over 20!

    8. Immediately or very close to it. As weird as it sounds, he felt like a family member I hadn’t met yet, just comfortable, warm, natural, and easy. I recall walking past his desk at work and thinking “that’s where my future husband sits!” with a butterflies flutter. And I was right.

      I think for him it was more like a couple weeks into actually dating–we were friends for about a year before dating, but upon dating we got serious really quickly.

    9. Wow…unlike a lot of folks here, it took me a long time to know I wanted to marry my husband. But that has to do with my history and personality, I think. Marriage and kids were never a big goals for me, and I had a lot of anxiety around dating that clouded my feelings, and had dated little. I was fortunate that he was patient and kind, so I was able to figure things out as we went along.
      Maybe I’m just not a super romantic person, but I don’t know if I think The One is a real thing. And this is me saying this as someone committed to someone I love dearly. Every person has there own quirks and struggles, and I don’t think there is one perfect person that will check every box. For instance, my husband is a classic introvert, whereas I’m not – this makes it easy for us to have our own interests and time away from each other with no resentment or ill will, BUT he is not super gung-ho for social events in the way someone else might be. I just chose a particular life with a great guy, and I wouldn’t change it. But The One? Probably not. I think that idea puts unnecessary pressure on relationships to live up to an ideal that doesn’t exist.

      1. I don’t believe in the idea of The One either, and I love my husband madly. And it took more than a year before I knew that I really wanted to spend my life with him.

    10. We connected instantly, and fell in love quickly. I knew for sure by month two, I think. Still strong 28 years later.

    11. I might also be an exception — but I think it was about nine months in? We were long-distance, and that was around the period where we had a long conversation about where we saw our futures going, and whether we were on the same page about major life issues (e.g., kids, geography, etc.)

    12. I was feeling tired of dating but he was hot and we liked each other. We started having more serious conversations after 3 or 4 months, and got engaged around 7 months.

    13. We were friends first. I was dating my college BF and i went both thought we would be together forever.
      We fought like cats and dogs but the highs were really good.

      When we broke up and I eventually got together with now DH, I was immediately like “oh. It doesn’t have to be hard!!” I felt like I was dating my best friend. We had some really rough times over the years- we’ve been married 14 and together almost 20!- but we’ve gotten through them all with these general pretense that we want to be together, we are a pair, and we just have to figure this really tricky thing out.

    14. We knew pretty early on (like within the first month) that we saw this as long term. We were young and in college and summer break was coming up, so we shared that with each other pretty much immediately. Twenty years later we’re still together so turns out, we were right!

    15. I was about 3 years post-divorce when I met my now husband. He was kinda shy our first few dates so things progressed slowly. We were official about 2 months after meeting, and about 3-4 months in he started hinting strongly that he saw things going in a very serious direction but I wasn’t ready yet and kind of freaked out every time he mentioned it. Though I later learned some of it was unintentional — he took me to his “favorite restaurant” on our 5th date and mentioned like 3 times that they host lovely weddings there and I almost walked out but he (much later) said he didn’t mean anything by it and was surprised I thought about that. It took about 8 months to get to the ILY stage and we didn’t move in together until 1.5 years after we met. At that point though, he had already gotten me a ring and we knew we were going to get married (it took him *4 months* from buying the ring to propose, on our 2 year dating anniversary). We got married (at that very restaurant!) almost 3 years after we met. I don’t regret taking things slowly — it made sense given my prior history of marrying the very much wrong person.

    16. We met the summer before 9th grade and became friends. We were friends through high school (though not all that close–our friend group overlapped so we hung out at a lot of the same parties, etc.) After graduation, we went to a bunch of the same graduation parties and I realized that I really liked him. But we were moving away to different colleges. He ended up transferring to the college I went to after two years. (Not because of me, he had other reasons and I didn’t even know.) We ran into each other at a baseball game and reconnected. We dated during that summer, and by the end of summer had fallen in love. We were both so young (20!) but knew after a couple months together that we wanted to get married. We moved in together after a year of dating, and then lived together for a year before we got married at 22 (after we finished college and I was a semester into law school.) We now have been together for 20 years, have 3 kids, and will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary next month. We have been through some difficult times over the years (cancer diagnosis and treatment of one parent, death of another parent, etc.) but he has always been my safe place. We argue sometimes of course, but I overall I think we have a great relationship and I feel lucky that even though we married young we have grown together.

    17. Date 3, about two weeks in. We joke that our first, nearly blind, date was awkward, the second was fine, and by date 3 we’d decided to get married. We were engaged 10 months after our first date and married 10 months after that, and have been married for 13 years with two children.

      How did I know he was the one? I’m not 100% sure I believe in “one” soulmate, but I am certain that he’s mine. The best way I can put it is ever since that second date, he has not felt like a stranger. My emotional immune system does not recognize him as separate from me – he has, since the beginning, felt like my family. Like his wins are my wins, my losses are his losses, and anything that benefits one of us benefits the team.

      We didn’t share this super early. We were probably 4, 5 months in before we said I love you? And six or so months before we actually talked about marriage.

      1. “ We joke that our first, nearly blind, date was awkward, the second was fine, and by date 3 we’d decided to get married.”

        Omg same story for us almost exactly!!

  15. Has anyone bought a non-wrap dress from Leota lately? I need some work outfits that will travel well in my new post-COVID size and was looking there for some sleeved dresses. I had a wrap once and recall it worked well but want something I could style with a jacket (and need to size up anyway). Thanks!

  16. Thanks to everyone who helped me stress shop. I wound up buying a blue corduroy suit just now from Brooks Brothers – a little bit off the business formal path (but definitely fine for my office) and feels fun. And it was 30% off today…so now I feel like I could go buy shoes or a blouse or both.

  17. Anyone familiar with Newport, Rhode Island? heading there for the long weekend. Will visit the mansions and the tennis hall of fame. If any other recommendations for dinner, lunch, visits, please let me know!

    1. Bowen’s Wharf is a cute little shopping area on the water with gift shops and the like. Benjamin’s across the way had great lobster in a sit-down setting. The Blue Plate Diner (technically in Middletown) is great for a classic breakfast.

      There’s also a ton of history in the area if that’s more your speed. I’m not a mansion person – they’re SO over the top that I almost don’t get anything out of it, so I enjoy the more normal houses of more everyday folks.

    2. I love the mansion tours, one of the best I did was an evening one by candlelight – I don’t remember the name of the place but I think it’s a “thing” especially this time of year. I don’t remember the food being anything special and mostly pretty touristy. I enjoyed the town and walking around a lot too.

    3. It’s been almost 20 years since I went, so no specific recs but it’s lovely and you’ll have a great trip!

    4. Flo’s Clam Shack – get there right after they open so you don’t have to wait in line and can grab a seat on the upper level with a view of the ocean.

      1. This is completely odd and weird. Wear a business suit or dress and blazer. Done.

    5. I just went in spring and had such a nice time! We really enjoyed TSK Thames Street Kitchen and Bar ‘Cino.

  18. Random question. I am due in March, and we are currently a 1 car household. We need to change that before baby comes. We are hoping to get a hybrid vehicle, but my husband just said he’s heard rumors that some company is coming out with a patent for a new electric battery that has like a 900 mile driving limit and can charge in 15 minutes (this may be exaggerated, no idea). Has anyone heard anything about this? If that’s the case, we would consider leasing for the next few years so that we could buy electric once that new battery is on the market. Hoping someone here knows more about cars than I do and can share any insight!

    1. As someone who works in the auto industry: Everyone is working on increasing range and decreasing charge time and we will see the improvements rolled out over the next several model years. Someone is probably working on technology that COULD have a 900 mile range, but whether we’ll see that in a vehicle in the near future is unlikely. If it does come out in say, 5 years, it will probably be extremely expensive.

      I would say get the car you want that meets your needs now. Whether leasing or buying makes more sense to you personally and financially is up to you. If you buy, used cars are still very in demand and you can likely sell it later for a good deal.

    2. “Filing a patent” = no production ANY time soon.

      Buy or lease the car you like now, irrespective of whatever rumor about whatever technology might be coming down the road. EVs right now are like computers were years ago – the technology is growing by leaps and bounds, so there’s always going to be something new and better around the corner. Buy the vehicle you like and can afford now.

      1. This. The time from patent to production is long, if it even exists at all. Maybe this battery is too heavy for a car. Maybe it lasts for a year. Maybe it’s expensive or hard to source.

    3. I highly doubt it, my sense would also be it would be very expensive. As much as I like the all electric idea, I do t think we are close to there yet or will be in the very short term.

    4. I wouldn’t make any car buying decisions within the next six months based on what a company may or may not be able to deliver in terms of a new and specific EV type in 3-5 years. Maybe they develop the battery and it works great and is on the market in 2 years and you can buy one. Fantastic! Sell your older car, keep the hybrid, and buy the new one. Maybe they get the patent and then run into all kinds of production problems and it’s 5 or more years before it’s on the market and you can get off the wait list to buy one (cyber truck, anyone?). Maybe they never get the patent or figure out how to develop it into an actual car, or they do but it’s so wildly expensive that you can’t buy it, or they do and it turns out to be a cr@ppy car that no one wants to buy. Way too many maybes. Just buy the hybrid if it’s in your budget, sell it or the other car when/if an EV comes on the market that you want to buy. You’ll have so much more flexibility than if you’re on a lease anyway.

      1. This. Also, if you need an EV by March, start looking like yesterday to decide what you want and get on a list. Depending on where you are/what you want, they can still be hard to get. Husband has been waiting almost 6 months for a new car and it’s just a regular hybrid–the wait for plug in hybrids and EVs can be worse.

    5. We own a Hyundai Ioniq 5 and a Nissan Leaf and love the all electric life; happy to answer any questions.

    6. Not answering what you asked, but have you considered an e-bike instead? We recently moved to the suburbs with a baby and we got an Urban Arrow that uses an infant car seat. Just a thought outside the box!

      1. +1 to cargo bikes are awesome for young kids if you live in a bike-friendly community. I loved my Nihola–no pedal assist, but I think it’s possible to get one. I didn’t start using until my baby was 1, so not sure if it’s feasible for a newborn. My kids hated getting in the car and using their carseat and so that always took forever, but they were fine popping on a helmet and seatbelt in the cargo bikes.

    7. I agree with others, don’t make your decisions based on what is supposed to come out down the line. Who knows if that will actually happen, and even if so, if they will be readily and easily available. FWIW, I bought a PHEV (small Lexus SUV) and love it. I dislike super big cars, but needed more room with two small kids and it’s perfect for me.

    8. Thanks all, very helpful – I think we will stick with buying a hybrid we can afford now. And this will help me better articulate why to my husband :) Appreciate the insight!

    9. Not directly related, but I love my Honda Accord Hybrid. Big enough to be a family sedan but not huge, great safety features and mileage. We’re in our 3rd year of our lease and planning to buy it at the end of the lease.

      1. We leased them for years and just bought our lease out on the most recent one and sold it to my mom. They are awesome cars. Really sleek looking, roomy inside, nice interior details/technology, awesome mileage (over 40 mpg) depending on your driving habits.

    10. Don’t rule out a minivan — test drive at least one, just in case. Plenty of parents get minivans and think they should have done so years ago. Just a suggestion. Congratulations on expecting!

  19. A while back someone posted a genius hack for cleaning up iPhone photos. Now I can’t find it. Someone please remind me?? It was something like every day looking at the photos and de-duping?

  20. Is breaking up with my bf of 3 years because we don’t want the same things (I want to get married, he wants a “companion”) crazy if I feel like he’s probably the best I’ll ever have? I’ve tried to stop wanting to get married via therapy and “self work”, but I guess I just do. By companion, he doesn’t want to date other people but wants to live separately (blames having his kid sometimes). I know he’s not cheating, that’s not the problem. It’s sometimes I just I feel lonely and rejected as often as I feel happy and loved. He brings a lot to the relationship that I don’t think I’ll ever find again.

    1. Don’t try to “stop wanting to get married” if that is what you truly want! It just means that this is not the guy for you if he does not want to get married. Wanting to get married is a common and normal emotion/want; don’t try to talk yourself out of it for the wrong guy.

    2. These are exactly the reasons to break up with him. You don’t want the same, very important things from life. You want to live very differently. Kuddos to you for believing him when he has told you who he is and not thinking you can change him into wanting to be married. I view this issue just like two people who have different positions on having kids. These are fundamental life choices that are important.
      Please don’t think you’ll never find someone else. You won’t find someone exactly like him again, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find someone different who also brings a lot to a relationship with you that you want or need.
      Like you, I wanted to be married or, for me, I was happy to be single. I wasn’t interested in long-term dating without a legal relationship. I decided not to date men who were looking for long-term dating relationships, and I’m glad I did. I found my now husband when I was mid-30s.

    3. If you feel like this now, chances are high you will still feel like this in 5 years and you will have wished you pulled the plug earlier. You deserve more than to feel lonely and rejected in your relationship!

    4. If you don’t break up, you are guaranteeing he is the best you will ever have. And you already know that is not enough. Take a gamble on yourself. You are probably a pretty good bet.

    5. It’s better to be alone than settle for less than what you know in your heart you want. You will never fully get rid of the desire to get married; it will get squashed down and then bubble back up when you least expect it. It’s okay to want things; it’s okay to want to be married. if this guy doesn’t want that, then he’s not the guy for you, and you need to move on.

      “It’s sometimes I just I feel lonely and rejected as often as I feel happy and loved.”
      You can have a relationship where you do not feel lonely and rejected very often at all – believe me. I have been in the kind of relationship you’re describing, and I am now in a marriage where I never feel lonely, or rejected, because my husband respects me and loves me, and cares about my happiness. It sounds like your boyfriend does not care about what will make you happy, because if he did – he would either A. consider doing what you want, because it’s important to you or B. break up with you, so you can find what you want. He won’t do that, most likely, because the situationship you’re in works for him and it’s fine and it’s whatever. So you need to look out for yourself and do what I think you know you need to do to get out of this relationship and find someone who really meets your needs.

    6. That’s exactly why you should break up. And IME, he just doesn’t want to get married to you. And you deserve more than that.

      1. Exactly. He just doesn’t want to get married to YOU. Don’t be surprised if he is married (to someone else) shortly after you break up with him. You are incompatible with him, and him with you, so rip the bandaid off and break up with him to free yourself up to find happiness elsewhere. Good luck!

    7. He’s not the best you will find. The best you will find also wants to be with you and wants the same things (or at least unilateral things) that you want.

    8. I felt a lot like you did. I dated someone in college who I thought was “The One”. I laughed at the thread above – how soon did you know you’d met The One – because I felt that way (immediately) about this college boyfriend. We were so good together, but we had One Problem about different life goals (religion) that I just wouldn’t compromise on, which was a major sticking point. We went our separate ways, and he was very distraught about me ending what was a 6 year relationship at that point.

      I’m so glad I did because ultimately, I found my husband. Many people thought I was crazy for ending it, but some things can’t be compromises. Wanting to be married is perfectly normal, just like wanting to worship or not worship a particular way. The trick is finding someone who is compatible on the big stuff.

  21. Square toe Mary jane style ballet flats are everywhere on my insta. You will never convince me that square toe shoes are anything but hideous. The last time they were in, I caved and bought several pairs of shoes that I LOVED and then the moment passed and they were outdated. Never again!

    1. Okay. But they’re in now and a pretty comfortable trend. If you buy them and wear them now they’ll be worn out before they’re dated.

  22. I felt a lot like you did. I dated someone in college who I thought was “The One”. I laughed at the thread above – how soon did you know you’d met The One – because I felt that way (immediately) about this college boyfriend. We were so good together, but we had One Problem about different life goals (religion) that I just wouldn’t compromise on, which was a major sticking point. We went our separate ways, and he was very distraught about me ending what was a 6 year relationship at that point.

    I’m so glad I did because ultimately, I found my husband. Many people thought I was crazy for ending it, but some things can’t be compromises. Wanting to be married is perfectly normal, just like wanting to worship or not worship a particular way. The trick is finding someone who is compatible on the big stuff.

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