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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Gathered Peplum Top

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A woman wearing a black peplum top and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This crepe top from Melloday has a great shape that would look nice on its own or layered under a blazer. I always struggle with finding tops that seem to stand on their own without some kind of topper, but the slight peplum on this one gives it a little bit of visual interest without being over the top.

I would pair this with some olive green pants and loafers for a casual Friday look.

The blouse is $24.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS-XL. It's also available in two prints

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

334 Comments

  1. Shopping request please. I tend to run hot and my building is not shy about the heat, but often need to throw on a jacket for meetings, especially in fall and winter. Even with the lightest of layers underneath, tweed, boucle, felt, and sweater style jackets are just too hot. The linen jackets I wear in summer are perfect but obviously the wrong style for cold weather, and 3-season wool jackets tend to be designed to be part of a suit, and so look ‘off’ when worn as an accent jacket. To be even more difficult, I have, but never reach for as it feels too stuffy and dated, a Brooks Brothers gold-button bl*z*r.

    So, the TLDR – has anyone seen lightweight, current, ‘non-suit’ type jackets that still look right for cold weather?

      1. do they still carry it? I was just browsing and came across BB Essentials Stand C-ll-r, which looks promising if their wool is lightweight and breathable.

    2. I think anything winter appropriate will be warm, linen would look off but be more breathable. Currently sitting wrapped in my office blanket shivering, haha.

      1. Some of the etsy companies have winter weight linen which looks less casual. I have a collarless blazer from LinenID which I wear year round.

    3. Some sweater blazers are more lightweight than others. Maybe a lighter weight one with a polished cotton tee under?

    4. Would it help to swap out the buttons on the Brooks Brothers blazer? Simpler buttons in the same color as the jacket could make a big difference.

      1. Thanks! That’s a little slouchy for what I need. Think a room full of 10 execs, 8 of which are men in traditional sportcoats, some with ties.

    6. The Khloe blazer from Cinq a Sept is cooler than most because of the pushed-up sleeves and the lightweight fabric. It looks cheaper than it ought to at the price point, but so does everything else these days.

        1. Cinq a Sept doesn’t seem to have sales often, if at all, but you can usually find it at Saks or Bloomie’s during one of their % off sales.

      2. Agree that the Khloe seems cheap at the price point, but I have it and it is lightweight and hangs well. What material are the sweater style jackets? I have a couple of the j crew factory lady cardigans which are 100% cotton but substantial so look like a jacket and honestly I can’t tell the difference in quality JCF versus J crew.

      3. I have one of these and love it. You can find them on poshmark. I think they fit true to size.

    8. I would look for something advertised as Summer Wool. They are loose weaves that still look professional.

      1. I think you’re more likely to see it labeled as Tropical Wool, though that’s more common in menswear. Women’s garment manufacturers tend not to be as clear about it.

        1. Talbots used to have a ton of tropical wool, I haven’t looked for a while but I’d assume they still do.

    9. I want to work in a building that turns on the heat! Your company should lead with that in job postings.

    10. Is the infamous MMLF jardigan too hot?

      Eileen Fisher, open front silk blazer: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/eileen-fisher-open-front-silk-blazer/7691603?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FCoats%20%26%20Jackets&color=001

      Silk round neck jacket: https://daisysilk.com/products/women-round-neck-silk-jacket?_pos=1&_sid=19c4df742&_ss=r

      Maybe the Hobbs Elize jacket?

      I think that anything meant to be worn open will be your friend, as well as ensuring that the layer underneath is lightweight and breathable.

    11. I love the O’Hara blazer from MM LaFleur for this in the origami fabric. The fabric is lightweight, and machine washable, and the Wine color is a nice purple brown – so not summery. the Moreland is also the same fabric but the zippered fabric makes it read more casual

    12. I have and love the Lindraya blazer from theory which I think meets all your specs (although I think a gold button blazer from
      BB is actually very in right now).

      The Going Out Blazer. From J Crew is also a popular option but I didn’t like the fabric or the cut when I tried it. It almost looks like sweat pant material masquerading as suiting which I’m not a huge fan of, personally, and it was not as comfortable as it should be too look like that.

      I do like the sweater jackets from JCrew Factory, some of which I believe are cotton and should not be too hot.

    13. Following with interest. I run hot too and I’m constantly embattled with women in sleeveless silk blouses and knee length skirts who complain about being cold. Put some clothes on if you’re cold! You don’t want me to take more clothes off when I’m hot!

      One little old lady in particular has health problems and is skin and bones, absolutely no fat reserves on the woman. I do feel sorry for her. I know she does her best to keep herself warm. She told me she keeps her house at 83 and she can’t be in an office that’s under 80. I’m sorry lady but we’re not keeping the office at 80. Even 75 is warm for me. Meanwhile the poor thing is in a parka and gloves gripping her tea like it’s a lifesaver.

    15. I think a navy blazer, if that otherwise goes with your wardrobe, is less likely to look like you’re repurposing part of a suit. It’s a menswear classic styled to look like a standalone blazer, and not a suit jacket.

      I used to work with a woman who threw on a beige/taupe blazer for just about everything and I thought that was a smart color choice.

      A blazer is going to be cut in more of a classic shape and not as fitted as a women’s suit jacket would be.

    1. Coconut water, frozen banana, frozen pineapple and spinach. I add unflavored protein powder, but I know some people are not a fan.

    2. Pumpkin purée, plain yogurt, pumpkin spice, and a bit of frozen banana and vanilla. Tastes like pumpkin pie.

    3. Coconut milk, coconut water, frozen peaches and either strawberries or mango, fresh turmeric and ginger, plain protein powder. Not sure if the ginger would be soothing or irritating with strep, though.

    4. A very simple one: Half orange juice and half milk of choice (I like vanilla soy milk), frozen mango, and frozen banana.

    6. My current favorite is ice, plain low or full fat yogurt, frozen strawberries, Dutch processed cocoa powder, plenty of sweetener, and enough water to make the blender go.

      1. Good old Mango Lassi. OP if you live near an international or Indian market, they’ll have this in bottles, usually by the register.

    8. Apple pie smoothie: vanilla yogurt, canned apple slices (NOT apple pie filling), and cinnamon.

    9. 1 cup of milk, 1 banana (sliced) and 3/4 cup frozen berries (blueberries or whole strawberries, hull and all). Delicious!

  3. Help! One of my cats p e e d on the extra mattress that I have in the guest suite (someone, cough one of my kids, left him in there overnight). I put the Nature’s Miracle “advanced stain and odor eliminator” on the mattress and now it doesn’t smell like cat any more, but it smells like the product and I HATE it. I’ve had a fan blowing out the window for 6 days and it still smells like the Nature’s Miracle. Help! Can I do anything other than replacing the mattress? Relatedly, does anyone have suggestions for another product that is not so stinky in the event the cat pees on a rug or a mattress again? TIA!

    1. Have you tried vodka yet? It’s an old costuming trick – 3 parts cheap vodka to one part water. It’s gotten body odor, cigar smoke, and vomit out of items for me before.

    2. I tried Nature’s Miracle once and never again because the odor was so awful. I used a ton of baking soda and luckily I moved out of the house a few months later, because I think the stench was still in the carpet. My cats are pukers, so I can’t say how well it works on urine, but Bac-out is great for vomit and blood stains. The smell is pretty mild and goes away fast.

    3. Try the magic sports team spray now that the cat smell is gone. We have used it for athletic gear left in lockers for months and have also added it to laundry loads for athletic wear with good results. Does not stain.
      >>> in a spray bottle mix 1/2 peroxide and 1/2 wintergreen rubbing alcohol.
      spray liberally, for a few minutes it will smell like a dentist office, then, pouf, it should be eliminated.

      2. There are a lot of mattress cover options. Some are crinkly and obviously plastic, but others can be quite fluffy and inoffensive. It’s worth the extra money for nicer waterproof covers. Cheaper than replacing a mattress.

    5. Switch to KidsnPets going forward for a scent that dissipates faster (I don’t know an unscented product). I’ve seen Zorb recommended for lingering scents from dryer sheets or fabric softeners, so that could be worth a try if vodka and hydrogen peroxide don’t do the trick.

      A nice mattress cover to put under the sheets or a water proof coverlet to put on the made bed is a good idea going forward too.

      1. Thanks all! I put a bunch of vodka on and will look for peroxide and the wintergreen rubbing alcohol. Waterproof mattress cover is already on the way ;) and will try the other stain removers too.

    6. Rent an ozone generator for the room and run it according to the directions. Be sure to air out the room thoroughly afterwards.

    7. Nature’s Miracle smells awful. Awful. I had some luck with Odoban after fully cleaning the carpet with a pet-specific enzyme cleaner. A mattress is going to be difficult, though.

      1. I hate the smell of Nature’s Miracle too.

        I don’t think I’d count on it for a soaked mattress. I’d get that into the sun if at all possible, and I probably would have run water through it to rinse out the urine.

      2. Yes! I deal with this more than anyone would ever want to know. Mister Max Anti-Icky Poo, Unscented is the one for you. It is a much stronger product than Nature’s Miracle, is recommended by veterinarians and cat behaviorists alike, and it has no smell. Chewy and Amazon have it. https://www.chewy.com/mistermax-anti-icky-poo/dp/177853?utm_source=google-product&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20199734535&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADmQ2V2pR7_7XTwzAVrgozwt9bvdK

    8. Yes! I deal with this more than anyone would ever want to know. Mister Max Anti-Icky Poo, Unscented is the one for you. It is a much stronger product than Nature’s Miracle, is recommended by veterinarians and cat behaviorists alike, and it has no smell. Chewy and Amazon have it. https://www.chewy.com/mistermax-anti-icky-poo/dp/177853?utm_source=google-product&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20199734535&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADmQ2V2pR7_7XTwzAVrgozwt9bvdK

    9. I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to have to get rid of the mattress. Cat pee is unlike any other stain you’ll ever deal with. I have a fluffy white rug from Ethan Allen that had been pretreated with anti-stain, pet protectant whatever – whatever EA offered I got it. Cat peed on it. I’ve used everything under the sun, including natures miracle, plus I’ve had it professionally cleaned multiple times. It has no visible stains but it still smells like cat pee if you leave it in an enclosed area for any amount of time.

      I would not want guests sleeping on a mattress the cat has peed on, especially if they have allergies.

      1. I was going to throw out a rug that was soiled when a pet sitter accidentally closed the room with the litterboxes in it (the poor cats!), but decided to hire a professional cleaner that used Kobasan snow products. The rug was like new and was later rehomed to someone with no pets who noticed no smell or issue with it. It may matter what the composition is (wool/cotton/synthetic)? I’ve noticed that my cat’s plastic litterboxes absorb and retain odor and wonder if other plasticy synthetics do the same.

    10. White vinegar. It smells like pickles until it dries, but once dry it takes the underlying smells away with it.

    11. I find Folex very inoffensive. I’m very sensitive to smells and would honestry rather smell poop that many cleaning products.

  4. I’m shopping for a pair of boots to wear this fall and winter with tights and dresses or skirts. I’m in DC so winter is often fairly mild. What style boot is timeless and classic for this look? What key words should I be searching for? I never know what shoes to wear in the winter so thank you for the help!

    1. I think a knee high heeled boot with an almond or slightly pointed toe is pretty classic. For truly awful weather I wear Sorel knee high boots with base layers over tights and strip off the bottom layer when I get into the office.

      1. I think boots + midi-length skirts or dresses is less dated, no? And the tights mostly wouldn’t show.

        Please don’t reply, No, only pants pants pants are current! Sometimes one wants to wear something other than pants!

      3. Eh, it depends. Heeled ankle booties and black tights and an above the knee pencil skirt yeah keep it in 2010.

        A longer skirt (below the knee), black tights, and classic black flat or low-heeled knee-high boots, I think still looks sharp.

      4. Nope, depends on the dress and style of boot. OP, knee high boots with a medium heft heel are very current right now. I’m seeing them paired with midi skirts – pencil is back but longer and so are slip skirts. A midi dress works too. Banana heels are also in.

      5. To me, it’s just another type of outfit and is never really out of style. It may not be trending, but that doesn’t make it wrong.

      6. Boots + tights is a trend if you live in the SEUS, but a necessity if you live in winter.

        5. I live in and am from a place where we use the phrase “going to the snow” so I guess I don’t live in winter! (California)

      7. The bootie look is dated but not tall boots with a below knee skirt. That’s a classic.

  5. If you wanted to spend $100 to make yourself happier after a hard week, what would you buy?

    3. Good sushi, a new book (or hit your local library), a bottle of wine, your favorite single serving dessert, and then save any remaining funds ($25 ish?) for coffee and breakfast OR a visit to a pumpkin patch/orchard where you buy cider/donuts/enjoy nature one weekend day.

    5. I’d pick out a few new releases from my local bookstore + a fall candle from Target.

      Alternatively, I’d swing by Anthropologie and buy a new set of fancy pajamas.

      1. Agree!
        But I’d get the candle from Anthropologie – they are by far the best!

        3. I can too but I like the fancy more expensive one that comes with a foot massage, delivered in a spa type setting.

    9. I would do a little Friday tour of the shops. I would go to my local gift shop and buy a fun candle, to the wine store to pick up a tasty mocktail and bar of chocolate, and grab a fancy pizza.

    13. A pedicure (manicure feels like going to the dentist to me) and a new pair of delicate earrings from Gorjana.

    16. Gel Manicure – $50 (pedicures are torture for me – people touching my feet!)
      Favorite Sushi – $30
      Saturday Morning Studio Yoga Class – $20

    17. I’d probably buy something hobby or activity-related that I don’t really NEED so I haven’t bought yet but I would then use it to happily tinker with or test out on the weekend – for me it might be bike related gear, or all the ingredients for a super fancy meal, or do a new class, etc. I find having something else to think about or master erases the bad week, although for certain situations (for example just a intense week that was hard versus a week that was hard because bad things happened) I might go for the mani/pedi, massage, spa treatment pampering route.

    18. Probably yarn or a couple of really nice books, like a coffee table book of photography.

      I’d say perfume but I can’t buy anything I would like for $100. Cosmetics? A new lipstick is always a cheering thing, and I love to go to a MAC store for that because they have so many. I like the glossy formulas, not the mattes. MAC Been There Done That Lustreglass was my impulse buy while waiting to see the Barbie Movie with my friend (whose husband wouldn’t go with her! Ridiculous) and I’ve been endlessly complimented on it since then.

  6. I need citizenship gift ideas! My dear friend just passed her citizenship test in the U.S. and will officially be a citizen after her ceremony in a few weeks! We tend to do it up big for Christmas (we give each other 3-5 gifts each year) and I want to get her some gifts to mark this occasion too (one bigger gift and a few smaller gifts). I’m thinking I will bring a bouquet of red, white, and blue flowers to give to her at the ceremony itself and then we will head back to her house afterwards to open presents. For the big gift, I think I am going to get her a Swarovski necklace with two interlocking circles – one to represent her home country and one to represent the U.S. But I welcome other ideas for the big gift.

    For smaller gifts, my only ideas are an American flag mug and/or wine glasses. I’ve searched “citizenship gifts” and Fourth of July stuff and I’m coming across a lot of hardcore patriot, “we the people”, “1776”, and even maga stuff, and that isn’t her (or me) at all. She loves wine, cats, coffee, plants, cooking/baking, home decorating (her home is full of knick knacks and she decorates for every holiday). I’m hesitant to buy any type of clothing as her size fluctuates (and while she’s thrilled to be a U.S. citizen, I don’t think she would wear a brazen T-shirt with an American flag on it lol). Any fun ideas?

    1. I would get her a gift tied to each place in the US she has lived – either something from a small business there or something that place is known for (like Garrett’s popcorn from Chicago).

      1. She has only lived in one place here but that’s a good idea to do a small business gift!

        1. -A box of sparklers (heck, burn a few now, they’re quiet!)
          -An actual flag or bunting to decorate with on holidays

      2. There’s a place on Etsy that makes cutting boards in the shape of states. That might be fun.

      3. Anon at 9:03 back with one more idea: when we had a friend get citizenship, we wrote to one of our elected officials to get a letter of celebration and a flag – I forget whether it was from the US capitol or the state house, but it came with a very nice note indicating indicating what day it had been flown and where and then a letter from the politician congratulating them on their citizenship. This is a standard request, especially for things like Eagle Scout ceremonies, so if you think your friend would appreciate it you could look into that!

    2. Pottery Barn has some cute American flag mugs (clearance!) and other cute American flag items that don’t scream Patriot/Maga but rather “cute vacation home in New England.” Search flag on their site!

      1. “Cute vacation home in New England” – great way to describe on-political American stuff.

        Maybe do a search for Americana, which brings up
        this cute bracelet from Alex and Ani: https://www.alexandani.com/products/red-white-and-blue-baguette-bolo?_pos=1&_sid=7e5949b21&_ss=r

        this necklace from Wolf & Badger: https://www.wolfandbadger.com/us/multi-layers-matte-blue-lapis-with-red-coral-statement-necklace/

        this Pottery Barn quilt: https://www.potterybarn.com/products/americana-flag-quilt/?position=0

    4. What about a needlepoint flag pillow or coasters? Ralph Lauren has a cute pillow.

      I kind of want to “take back” normal looking flag paraphernalia from the MAGA side.

        1. Such a great idea but I bought one for my dad last year and it was really pricey.

      2. I agree with you on taking back the flag and have been actively flying mine on the porch behind my Dem yard signs. In addition to Ralph Lauren, Wooden Ships has some great flag and flag-adjacent sweaters.

    7. We threw a party for a British friend when he got citizenship, and got a cake that said “Welcome to the Winning Team.” Not sure everyone would think this was funny but we all did.

      3. When my English FIL got his citizenship we roasted him pretty good with similar sentiments. He loved it.

    8. If she loves wine I’d spring for a Napa cab that’s already in its drinking window that way she can indulge now or keep it . A good wine shop will be able to help.

    9. European POV here. I would be super uncomfortable with anything flag related, but realise there’s a cultural difference. If flags are it, maybe tea towels? Christmas tree bauble?

      Or what about something with a map? Cookie cutter? Scratch card map for getting to know the US. Some sort of geography game?

    10. Personalized Christmas tree ornament with the year of her citizenship (like they do ones for new homes, new babies, etc. – I’m sure you can get on Etsy). Maybe a little passport ornament or statue of liberty ornament? Or you can get a picture frame ornament with the year, and insert a picture of her at her ceremony!

    11. If it’s her style, an Ann Hand brooch would be nice – there are a number of patriotic designs that are fairly classic.

    12. A family member got business cards printed from VistaPrint or something along those lines that had an American flag pattern and said “Jane Doe, American citizen, +1 [phone number]”. They seem cheesy but my family member got SUCH a kick out of them and handed them out to all of her friends.

    13. I know you said no clothes but those Ralph Lauren flag/polo bear sweaters are super cute. When my kids’ sitter got her citizenship, I got her a fancy leather passport cover. It was a big hit.

  7. Office outing outfit help please. I’m attending a ‘fall festival’ at a partner’s winery this weekend with my kids – there’s a petting zoo, pumpkin patch, pizza truck – it’s basically a corporate tailgate with kid friendly activities.
    We’ve been told to wear sturdy footwear as we’ll be in fields/grassy areas but would you suggest skinny jeans with knee high horse/barn boots (It is Han Solo season!) or flared jeans with shorter ankle boots? I’m realizing my weekend attire is either very functional athleisure or day dresses and neither is right here.

    1. I would do the tall boots but my reason is more practical than stylistic: I would want as little dust / dirt as possible on things that aren’t my shoes and the way you describe this I’m picturing packed dirt roads and long matted fields, not trimmed grass and packed gravel.

    2. I’d do the jeans and barn boots particularly if it has been at all wet lately – that kind of matted long grass does not dry fast. Make it more modern by avoiding the untucked top + quilted vest topper. Think barn jacket and hip-length tee or sweater.

    3. Tall boots. Its tick season still. Be practical. Your co-workers will appreciate that trait.

    4. I would wear a boot cut or moderate flare jean with something practical like Blundstones.

    5. I would personally wear the flared jeans with shorter ankle boots. But I think that either is fine.

    6. Check the weather! If you’re in Sonoma or Napa county, it’s going to be in the 90s this weekend and I can’t imagine tall boots. I live in wine country and the vibe is usually casual, out here more western if you’re picking a boot style. I’d probably go with the Hans solo option if you’re somewhere cool enough, it will read more winery.

    7. Thanks all – I have riding boots that I can polish up and wear with skinny jeans (I think that’s a bit more modern than the super tight suede style from the early 2000s). Agree on it likely being dirty/wet/slightly tick filled (we’re going to the North Fork of Long Island – I wish Sonoma was on the table!!).

        1. I’ve never been before – I live in Westchester and all of our apple picking trips have either been in CT or the Hudson Valley. I’m excited to visit!

      2. I was at an apple orchard field trip with my kiddo this week in the NY area, and it really was not muddy at all. By all means, wear the tall boots if you want to, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it being wet. It is also meant to be in the upper 60s-70s this weekend.

    8. I’d probably do skinnies and tall boots. It’s practical, and for the setting, I don’t think you need to worry about being outdated or whatever.

    9. I would not wear nice leather boots of any height. This is the time for outdoorsy Blundstones or similar which can handle the muck. Unlike an earlier poster, I am picturing mud, not dust.

      1. Eh, my riding boots are definitely nice (and pricey!) but they’re meant for mud/muck so I’m not too worried about that. It is definitely weird to me that ‘barn clothes’ are in style as fashion pieces when I used to have to store them in the garage as a teenager due to the smell!

        2. I am the commentator suggesting outdoor boots. I agree that if your nice leather boots are actually intended for riding and barns, that’s great. I would guess that tall leather boots owned by most readers of this site do not fall into that category and would not hold up well to fields of mud and wet grass.

          1. Riding was to my family what skiing is to many others on the board – we didn’t have a ton of money growing up but my mom’s from horse country (KY) and learning to ride was a non-negotiable. It can also be fairly affordable if you’re willing to do the work (mucking out) and there were a lot of hand me downs available from other older kids. Sadly I never had the funds to show/jump or own a horse but I still love to ride when I can.

  8. When I travel for work, I use cash for gratuities for housekeeping and do not expense it. I figure I still come out ahead from travel because I’m saving on meals and get the value of travel miles and points. My company’s policy doesn’t require a receipt for expenses under $20. Just curious about workplace norms – what do others do?

    1. I work for the government, so our per diem covers $5 for incidentals per day for things like this.

      I always come out ahead with my per diem anyways – I’m usually traveling to really rural areas with really limited food options so mostly go to Walmart (if there is one) and get some frozen meals there for dinner. Ofc, my last work trip involved spending 3 consecutive weeks in counties that were 2-3 hour drives from Walmart.

    2. My workplace (large Tier 1 private university, I am senior staff) allows for housekeeping and other tips and this is explicitly listed in our travel policy. On our expense system (Concur) there is specifically a line item option for housekeeping tips, and I usually just list it there and add a note that says “cash tip / no receipt”. The official policy is: “Allowable expense: Reasonable gratuity and incidental expenses” and I’ve never had an issue with leaving $5-$10 in cash and expensing it.

    3. I do the same. I also don’t usually expense little things like my morning coffee or the chicken fingers I bought via drive through because I couldn’t find anything else. I am too lazy to keep those receipts. If I do expense those little things, I don’t charge them to the client, but put them on my client development account.

    4. When I travel it’s generally with others (like attending a meeting or conference) and so we actually talk about what we’re expensing to be consistent. Probably to no one’s surprise the men were like “of course” when talking about tips. They just wrote down “$20 housekeeping tip” on the hotel bill.

      1. Women in my office are definitely more tentative than the men when it comes to claiming the full reimbursement they’re entitled to. I once rejected an expense report for a woman on my project who didn’t record mileage or tolls because it’s “not a big deal haha.” She was the lowest-paid person at the company and did not come from money, but was afraid to submit a “big” receipt.

        1. That is wild to me. If I don’t expense it it’s because I forgot. I’m not giving my employer free money. To answer the question, absolutely expense tips. I try not to do them in cash though if possible so they don’t get forgotten.

        2. People who don’t come from money are always the most hesitant about submitting expenses. Rich people are accustomed to 1) spending large amounts of money and 2) having other people pay for things, so they don’t think twice. People who come from families of limited means are worried that they will be judged for spending money or asking for money.

          2. This. I had a female boss nicely but firmly tell me that work travel was still WORK and I should be reimbursing all reasonable expenses which certainly include chambermaid/bellman tips. To my shame I did not know you were supposed to tip the maids because we almost never stayed in hotels as kids (literally twice I think?). It’s wild jumping classes as an adult and learning about all the new norms…

          3. Ooof, this hits hard. I was so very clueless early in my career, and sometimes this stuff still feels uncomfortable to me.

          4. Thanks everyone for the feedback! I wasn’t expecting such consistency in the responses. I will definitely start including tips in my expense reports.

      2. I don’t doubt that this is true as a general rule, but my husband is the opposite. He never expenses small things because “it’s no big deal.” I have to nag him to expense things like tips and tolls because I don’t want us to give money to his employer!! He will also always park in the cheapest/farthest airport lot to save money even though he’s allowed to park much closer. But that’s not my problem since I’m not the one whose time is being wasted.

        1. Yeah I have to say I am kind of surprised by the responses. I just don’t think that much of a $5 coffee or $10 drive through meal. Yesterday I paid $2 in cash to use a toll road and it would just never even occur to me to expense that because it’s literally two dollars. BUT…I am a partner in my firm, so I would be paying myself back out of my own money in a way, and if one of my associates asked me this same question, I would tell them to expense everything. So…yeah. Don’t be like me?

    5. I never, ever take on any costs of work travel as a personal cost. Even if it’s $3, I include it on the expense report.

      1. Same. I work at a multi billion dollar company, they can reimburse everything. It helps that expenses under $25 don’t require a receipt, but I’m not interested in funding my own work travel.

        1. 100%. Ha, that being said I still remember a partner kindly telling an associate that he could not expense $80 worth of cold meds he bought when he felt slightly off during a work trip. This was in the 2000’s so the kid must have bought half the cold/flu aisle.

    6. This reminds me of when I was in AmeriCorps, making poverty wage, and the federal agency I was working with very generously invited me to travel from DC to a 3-day conference in the city where I had just been to college. I didn’t know anything about per diems and no one told me about them. And they certainly did not tell me I could request them ahead of time so I could travel with the money in my pocket. I knew there was a McDonald’s in the conference center/hotel, and a drug store where I could buy soup or something nearby, so I left DC with about $25 cash and a fistful of McDonald’s coupons. And then I teared up a bit when the McDonalds in the hotel wouldn’t honor the coupons. My colleagues eventually put together what was happening when we went to a sandwich counter as a group and I ordered just a cup of soup and a water and got questioned. I said I was fine but one of the guys had a daughter in AmeriCorps and put it all together.
      Help your young employees out by letting them know the policies!

    7. my company’s policy requires receipts for everything, but cash tips for that kind of service are a notable exclusion. When I think about it, I include them, but not worried if I miss a few dollars.

    8. I have a $90 per diem per day, which I never hit even on the rare occasion I have to pay for three meals out (which almost never happens because my meals get covered by someone taking us out). So I slot it under the per diem. If for some reason I was over, I suppose I’d expense it.

    9. When I was a public defender, we were allowed to get mileage for jail trips but it came out to only about 3.50 per trip. Believe me, when I started, that extra 25 or 30 bucks a month would have been handy. But, we were highly discouraged from making the office do the paperwork for that little amount.

    10. When I was employed I didn’t expense cash tips. I guess I could have but it didn’t add up to enough for me to be worried about, but it also felt like it was my gratitude, my personal tip. So it didn’t feel like business. Now that I’m self employed, I don’t keep track of them for taxes either.

    11. Generally every expense at my workplace must be accompanied by a receipt and filed within 30 days. So the 2-3 times a year I hand $5 to a bellman for saving my bags is non-reimbursable as are any tolls that I don’t learn about until I receive the invoice in the mail a couple months later. I don’t leave gratuities for housekeeping in general as I don’t let my room be serviced.

      Otherwise everything, no matter how small, gets expensed if allowed. Coffee isn’t $2 anymore anyways, so yes – every coffee, every bottle of water, the $6 parking fee, it all gets submitted. It takes me 2-4 hours for each weeklong trip to prepare and submit my report, but that’s part of my responsibilities as an employee. It adds up to tens of thousands a year reimbursed, so it really matters.

    12. I don’t live in the US. If I did, I absolutely would expense gratuities for housekeeping on work travel. I would expense every dollar spent within the company regulations. That’s part of YOUR wages.

      In the country where I live, tipping culture isn’t a thing, and we get zero compensations for gratuities for domestic travel. We are not allowed to add gratuities in restaurants, taxi etc. Wages here are not dependent on tipping.

      The only time we are allowed to add gratuities, is for work travel in the US. Our regulations specifically mentions the US system for using gratuities as part of service workers’ actual wage, and that is the only time we can claim expenses for tipping. I still don’t think I would get housekeeping gratuities approved, though.

      1. I work in the US for a US based company, and I can expense tips on a meal, because it’s on the receipt (as long as I the total is under $X/meal) but we can’t expense anything without a receipt, so I eat the cost of tipping housekeeping. I agree with not covering work expenses personally in principal; but if I insisted on it in this case, the negative externalities would land on someone making less than me, not on whoever in finance needs to update their policies

    13. When you don’t get everything reimbursed, companies get a skewed idea of what work travel costs, and they allot less in the budget. Expense absolutely everything, at the very least for the sake of those for whom every cost matters.

  9. What things do thrift shops sell a lot of, other than winter coats? Purging my parents house and for a thrifty shop that takes clothes and kitchen wares, what will be good inventory for them to move quick vs stuff that will sit and be a burden.

    1. There’s an entire supply chain for thrift stores, don’t worry about it, nothing is a burden. If they take it, they can move it.

    2. Frankly, you only have to worry about that if you’re taking them to a consignment shop. Thrift shops tend to accept everything and then handle inventory internally.

    3. as long as it’s not truly trash, you’re fine.

      that said if you care about it actually getting used – highly recommend your local Buy Nothing group or a local charity – we have several in our area that provide free housewares, furniture, etc. to newly-housed people in our community.

    4. Thrift stores are often glad to receive anything that isn’t clothing. I wouldn’t worry about the miscellany but agree with another comment that if it’s trash, it’s trash. Like stained clothing or completely worn out shoes.

    5. Don’t take on this mental work for yourself. Sort out the trash, ask them what they will take, and send it off.

  10. Your current favorite podcast? I am marathon training and need long run companionship. I am not going to be picky about genre, so if you love it, I’ll try it!

    1. I am enjoying Betrayal, Morbid (true crime, but lately the focus is on old-timey or spooky cases so it doesn’t feel exploitative), Maintenance Phase, and If Books Could Kill. This is kinda niche but I liked the Yoga is Dead series. It’s just six episodes and each one is about how yoga has been co-opted by various forces, including white women, gurus, and karma capitalism.

    3. You’re Wrong About has gotten me through lots of marathon training – the multipart princess diana one will keep you amused through the 20 miler. Also, the Texas Monthly true crime podcasts are excellent and Smartless.

    4. Retail Therapy – it’s two guys in their mid-late 30s talking about fashion, pop-culture, dining out/cocktails/wine and travel. They have a good vibe between them and are just fun to listen to.

    5. My fave of all time is kind of old now, but I still love it: Dead Eyes, about an actor who lost a small roll in the miniseries Band of Brothers and set out, decades later, to find out why. I’m also hooked on I Will Teach You to Be Rich, which I think was recently renamed Money for Couples.

    6. History That Doesn’t Suck is good, even the episodes on topics you didn’t think you’d enjoy.

    7. Normal Gossip!!! always light & funny, the stories suck you in so I think a good distraction.
      recently getting into Petty Crimes, which is similar – less in-depth stories, more banter

    8. I really like Pivot, Hard Fork, and Normal Gossip (thanks to a commenter here for the Normal Gossip rec!).

      1. +1 to Hard Fork and Normal Gossip!

        These two are very niche – Black Box Down (don’t listen if you do not like flying) and Ship Hits the Fan. No new episodes but decent back catalog on BBD and a smaller one for SHtF.

  11. This top looks short. I think it would drive me nuts for that reason. The peplum would hit me too high. I am only 5’6″ but I feel like this is made for a shorter person. I recommend Modern Citizen, TuckerNYC, and MM LaFleur for tops that stand alone.

    1. Peplums are great for my body type IN THEORY, but in practicality, they are almost always too short or hit my torso in the wrong spot. I’m 5’8″.

  12. Where are people donating to help in NC? I’ve given items and money to the NC Diaper Bank and money to WCK. I don’t really trust the Red Cross and hope to get some bang for my buck, since my donations aren’t huge, but I still have a few hundred I’m willing to give.

    1. My friend in Asheville (she is OK, as is her house, but no water or power) recommended the Manna Food Bank. Not posting the link to avoid getting tied up in m-o-d but it’s easy to find online. She said they do a ton of good in the community, and they lost their distribution center.

      1. Another +1 for UMCOR. The church pays for all the organization’s administrative costs, so 100 percent of the donations go directly to relief and supplies. UMCOR was amazing when my hometown was hit by a tornado.

      1. I work in disaster relief, the Red Cross actually does great work and is a trusted partner of all levels of government for a reason. IIRC, a lot of the criticism isn’t actually valid. For example, I know in the past they’ve gotten flack for only providing temporary sheltering and not helping with long term housing – that’s not their mission.

        1. My only experience with the Red Cross was great. I had been hit by a tornado and had significant damage and no power. I was staying in the house due to fear of looters. On the next day, and every day thereafter until the power was back on, the Red Cross showed up with a hot meal once a day. It was a small thing but it meant so much to me. If you’re living in somewhat primitive conditions, a hot meal is a luxury.

        2. I have heard people grumble that the Red Cross fundraises around an emergency but then doesn’t actually spend the money on that emergency. Or something like that. But it makes sense that they would need to refill coffers after any big event, right? Is there something else?

        3. I agree! I used to work for the Red Cross, and other disaster relief agencies, and criticism is mostly unfair. They really do great work, and on a scale that other organizations just can’t do.

    4. Manna Food Bank and Second Harvest Food Bank–Second Harvest covers the NW counties that were also badly hit but haven’t been getting as much media coverage as Asheville as they are extremely rural. Second Harvest is in my general area so I give to them somewhat regularly and they’re good/legit. Also the NC Disaster Fund (https://www.ncdps.gov/how-to-donate), which is being managed by United Way.

    5. I live in NC and have direct ties to the relief effort here, and my in-the-holler sources are saying:
      Pisgah Legal Services — those FEMA applications won’t fill themselves out, and there’s going to be a lot of need
      RUMAH (Raleigh United Mutual Aid Hub)-channeling cash donations and labor from the unaffected and relatively wealthier Triangle to WNC
      Samaritan’s Purse — religious and occasionally accused of proselytizing , yes (do with that what you will), but also the first ones on the ground last Friday with a trained force of labor volunteers doing immediately-needed work in small lil communities.
      World Central Kitchen
      Small unofficial groups with local ties getting aid to towns so small they’re not on maps are the ones getting my money, labor, and stuff, but that’s because I know those people

      1. On the legal services front, Legal Aid/the bar is coordinating attorney volunteers, and the state supreme court has approved temporarily allowing out-of-state lawyers to provide pro bono help through legal assistance organizations, if anyone wants to sign up:

        Volunteer sign up: https://www.ncbarfoundation.org/our-programs/disaster-legal-services/disaster-legal-services-volunteer-sign-up-form/
        Bar form for out of state lawyers: https://www.ncbar.gov/news-publications/news-notices/2024/10/supreme-court-allowing-non-nc-lawyers-to-provide-pro-bono-legal-services-to-helene-victims/

      2. On the FEMA application front, FEMA staff in person or over the phone are available to help survivors fill out the applications.

        They’re knowledgeable about the programs and can help explain the offerings and answer questions.

        FEMA will have staff canvassing door to door in affected areas, will have disaster recovery centers set up for survivors to come to in person, and the phone line is staffed by FEMA employees – you talk to a real human who understands the programs.

        Survivors are not just left on their own to fumble through a government form!!

      3. Sumerians Purse is an org I usually try to avoid (they make staff sign something that they believe marriage is only between a man and a woman), but a) is a well established, reputable disaster relief organization and b) is headquartered in Boone, NC so in the middle of the impacted area.

    6. Aerialrecoverygroup is getting in there and getting it done. They are using helicopters to get into towns where the bridges are washed out. They rescue people, bring medicine, etc. Their videos on Insta are very telling

  13. I know an ultra dark-wash jean is not trending at the moment, but is it completely passe? There are times when other washes feel too casual but jeans are still appropriate for the occasion. Specifically, I’m looking at the Kut Natalie bootcuts in the darkest wash, but I’m open to other suggestions. Budget is about $100.

    1. I think denim trends move way too quickly to matter. I wouldn’t hesitate to wear what you suggest.

      1. Fair point! I really can’t keep up or even own every style that’s out there right now. I may be reaching that point where I just stick to the 1-2 fits that work best for me and try to incorporate trends in other ways. I’m tired, ya’ll.

      2. I agree. Denim fads move at a lightning pace any more. I am firmly in Team Wear What Fits You and Suits Your Needs.

    2. I wear that wash all the time to work. It’s not what I’d choose for a night out, but it will always have a place in the office.

      1. +1 In a casual dress industry, and I love darkest wash jeans for that half step up from super casual but not yet to business dress.

        1. That’s a weird comment thing – I swear I didn’t copy the Anon message from 10:42….

          I do agree about that wash for work.

      2. What would you wear for a night out? It used to be dark wash for going out! For a long time I wore black skinny/narrow legs for a night out, but I don’t like them after they inevitably fade, and I don’t like that leg style anymore.

        1. Something more fun than work jeans. I wear a lot of dresses and fun/stylish pants. I don’t see jeans in the going out category unless it’s a super casual restaurant or something where I don’t care what I’m wearing.

  14. I have a bunch of cropped jeans and pants – how are we styling these for winter? Slim ankle boots under the pants or are we just having cold ankles?

    2. I do a knee high sock (thin, often trouser socks from Hue) with ankle boots. One of my favorite looks. No one looks askance at a sock in the wintertime.

    3. I just like a higher shaft boot with my crops. But I might be out of date on this.

    4. Boots that hit 1-2 inches above the ankle bone, thus having overlap with the pants.

      This is the current trendy boot shaft length.

        1. +1 – thank god socks are back in style. I live ‘in the winter’ to quote the thread above and start breaking out my smartwool socks in October.

        2. I too live in the north, and this is fine for me 99% of the time. If I’m in a situation where this wouldn’t be okay, then I would be wearing different boots and pants.

    5. The boots are a bit higher than the ankle and wider now. I think I should still wear them with slimmer ankle pants or crops. . . .but not really sure. I just got some Chelsea boots and trying to figure it out since little booties are out. I am in Florida so we wear boots when it gets down to 70. We are never actually cold!

  15. For those of you who were taking compounded tirzepatide, what are your plans? Switch to semaglutide? Ask your doc for an Rx?

    I asked my doc for an Rx two years ago and he said no bc of the lifetime commitment. Maybe he’d feel differently now that it helped me lose 60 lbs and it’s maintenance?

    1. Ugh I was not aware of this this morning. I’m on month 3 of a very low dose of compounded tirzepatide and I love it. I’m down 12 lbs, about 15 left to go. I probably have another 3 months supply left so that’s good. I guess switching to semaglutide wouldn’t be the end of the world, I just hate changing something that is working so well.

      Curious since you mentioned you’re now on a “maintenance” dose – what does that look like? I’m on 20 mg now, was supposed to bump up to 25 but decided not to because I was already losing a lot of weight at 20. I’ve been wondering if I could convince my provider to (once I reach goal weight) allow me to stay on an even lower dose (like 10, which was the dose I started at) or even 5, long-term.

      1. You may want to double-check your dose. 15 mg is the typical max dose of tirzepatide.

        1. For the brand name, yes, not for compounded. The concentrations are different.

          1. I’ve been a pharmacist for 23 years. Yes, concentrations may be different, but the does is the same. If you reconstitute 10 mg of drug in 1 mL of solution, a 2.5 mg dose would be .25 mL (25 units). If you reconstitute 10 mg of drug in 2 mL of solution, a 2.5 mg dose is then .5 mL (50 units). Concentration impacts the volume (mL/units) needed to deliver the dose (mg). The therapeutic dose is unchanged but compounded to brand name.

    2. I stockpiled because my subreddit warned us this was coming, but after that I may just ask my doc for an Rx because I’ll be in maintenance mode anyway – I’m just about at goal weight and didn’t have all that much to lose (about 20 lbs).

    3. Stuck in mod so reposting: I stockpiled because my subre**it warned us this was coming, but after that I may just ask my doc for an Rx because I’ll be in maintenance mode anyway – I’m just about at goal weight and didn’t have all that much to lose (about 20 lbs).

    4. I was planning to go off in December anyway to TTC, but I stockpiled a three-month supply from my provider. I also have an RX to Zepbound, but it’s only being filled every 2-3 months. The FDA may have taken this drug off the shortage list, but I am still finding it hard to get my RX filled in a timely fashion. I pay $550 for Zep with my savings card.

      I do not tolerate semaglutide, so I am hoping this is sorted out while I am pregnant / PP. But if you do tolerate semaglutide, I’d start there. It’s more affordable than name brand Zepbound at this moment in time.

      You may also explore purchasing vials of 2.5mg or 5mg doses of Zepbound from Lilly direct to maintain.

  16. NYers– recs for a not too expensive, takes reservation, good for a group of middle aged suburban moms restaurant near Radio City or between Grand Central and Radio City?

  17. I’m thinking of doing a rolling duffel instead of a suitcase for a checked bag. I currently only have a carry on size bag, which is a hard sided suitcase. The long story short is that there may be times in which I’d need to carry my bag and could not use the wheels and it seems like a duffel would be easier to manage than a suitcase. I’d love to find one that has backpack straps, but normal straps would do too. Looking for something approximately 28-30″, as it would be for a month long trip. Any recommendations for suitcase vs duffel and then any specific recommendations for a bag?

    2. I have an American Eagle rolling duffel bag that works quite well. Be aware that is is easy to overpack it to make it overweight, but it is super easy to stuff in all sorts of stuff.

  18. Thanks all for recommending the book Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. I gave it to my daughter’s fiancé as a gift and he has torn through it recently, after not being able to get to it for a while. He absolutely loved it.

    Any other recommendations in the same vein are welcome!

    1. Maybe Mickey 7 for something lighter and more comedic? Blindsight for something darker and more philosophical. Children of Time could be a winner too though it can also take some time to get into.

      1. Thanks! I have a list on my phone of what to get him for Christmas and will add these.

        I am getting him a Kindle for Christmas and I took him to our local library to get a library card to get set up with Libby. But physical books are still his favorite.

        It’s so fun to talk about books with a newly minted recreational reader. He just got into it a couple of years ago – I don’t think his family are big readers, and then he felt too busy with college to do a lot of reading for fun. Now he’s gone from Manga to Sci Fi. I think he’s currently reading some of the top hits of Isaac Asimov, which I suggested to him, but haven’t read myself.

        I think I’m going to read his copy of Project Hail Mary next.

        1. If he’s up for the classics, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Lovecraft’s Mountains of Madness novella as when I read it recently (I think of Lovecraft as writing problematic horror stories, not sci-fi novellas, but I guess he wrote one!). I haven’t read Philip K. Dick since high school, but I remember some of it holding up well. Ender’s Game is good if someone hasn’t read it. For women writers, I think of Octavia Butler, Mary Doria Russell, and Connie Willis, but am looking for more recommendations myself.

          I just borrowed Three Body Problem after watching the Netflix series, but it looks long and I don’t know much about the translation, so I can’t report back yet. I know it’s popular though!

        2. If he’s into Scifi I absolutely adore NK Jemisins Broken Earth Trilogy – it won the Nebula awards in consecutive years which is almost unheard of.

    2. Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan series might fit the bill – typically I recommend starting with Shards of Honor/Barrayar, which is the chronological start of the primary characters, but the tone of some of the later Miles-focused ones are probably closer to Project Hail Mary.

  19. Between Blue Apron, Hello Fresh, or Purple Carrot, which would you recommend? I prefer vegetarian but am only strict about no red meat.

    1. If you don’t mind prepping and cooking the meals, Hello Fresh is easy and good and seems healthier than take out. There was a discussion here a while back about these companies operating in some sort of regulatory loophole that I was unaware of, so that could be something to keep in mind. I really wish local grocery stores would offer more competition!

      1. I’m a vegetarian and I rather like Hello Fresh. The options can get a bit carb-heavy, but they have very good variety.

      2. Definitely Purple Carrot. Hello Fresh is way too heavy on cheese and the cheapest veggies possible (like zucchini). I also liked Blue Apron less and found the recipes weirdly hard to follow (not bad but badly written).

    2. Tried and did not like Blue Apron. The problem I was trying to solve was quick weeknight meals with variety. It solved variety but not quick, and the immense amount of packaging was disturbing, although we’re still using the freezer packs like 5 years later for beach days, so yay reuse?

  20. We’re looking to book a trip to Florida the first week of December, travelling with a 3 year old. The cheapest flights from our city that week right now are to Ft Lauderdale and West Palm Beach, so those are the two areas we’re considering. We’re looking for somewhere with a nice beach and pool and family friendly restaurants in the area. I’ve never been to this part of Florida so would love any recommendations on where to go or stay. We’re open to both hotels or rentals. Thank you!

    1. I think it has gotten very expensive now, but we have previously loved the Marriott on Singer Island.

      1. +1 to Singer Island though it’s a bit more ‘nice 3 star hotel’ vs. ‘5-star hotel’ despite it being 5 star prices that week.
        You could also look into the Turnberry – great pools and water parks attached to the hotel. It also gets pricey during that period though.

      2. +1. We had a great experience at the Marriott on Singer Island. The room we rented was like a 2 BR condo with a full kitchen so it was very comfortable and convenient with kids.

    2. When we do a quick “cheap sunshine run” to FLL we do an Airbnb condo near the beach with a balcony and basically Instacart ourselves easy groceries and Grubhub dinners. The neighborhood near Bonnet House is more chill than near Las Olas.

    3. Marriott Ocean Pointe was great when we went a couple of years ago. They have several pools and a splash pad, and they are in walking distance of several restaurants (Mulligan’s Beach House had decent food and a small indoor play area for kids)

  21. Is anyone else following this story out of the Columbus area of the woman who found a buried rolled up rug in her yard and the cadaver dogs? Well the cops are now digging…. !

  22. Ladies with partners. HOW do you keep up the relationship without abandoning yourself?

    My boyfriend dumped me last week. My job has been NUTS for about 3 weeks and he got fed up with my lack of texting him during my workday. I was sad for a day and now I am RELIEVED to have time for me again. When my work is done, I am back to working out, walking outside, and reading books. My house is clean and I have groceries. My sleep has been awesome. Like it was before I got into my relationship.

    But I am bothered that I am *always* so relieved when a relationship ends. My pattern is that I run myself absolutely ragged for my guy, until I feel like a shell of myself. And it is never enough. We break up because either I can’t take it anymore, or he gets frustrated that I am still not meeting his expectations despite my best efforts.

    I am over 40 and I feel like a dunce. Teach me how this is supposed to work. How do you have any time for yourself while keeping a guy?

    1. Who are these man babies who can’t understand someone who has busy times at work? It’s not you, it’s them. And your relief after the breakup is telling you something.

      1. Seriously – it’s a them problem not a you problem. I value the fact that my husband is able to entertain himself – when we were dating he was the guy I could take to a firm event and know that he’d be able to make small talk/entertain himself without me not leaving his side.
        Now that we’re married we’re the couple who has mostly different interests – he’ll go do his sporty/gym activities and happily update me when he gets home vs. trying to convert me to join him in stuff I have zero interest in. I’ll literally only text him ‘good morning’/’good nigh, love you’ when I’m away on busy work trips. If these guys have no life outside of you and expect you to be a social director that’s a big red flag.

      2. I disagree completely. I think this is a “you” problem for OP. The guys she’s choosing may want her to drop her life and go all in to make their lives easier. OP is the one who is choosing to draw boundaries and keep her own life.

    2. What does “run myself absolutely ragged for my guy” mean that you’re doing? Is it some kind of “all or nothing” mode where, if you’re in, you’re ALL in?

      1. Well at my age most men have kids. So I am doing almost all the driving, packing bags to stay over, etc. After I meet kids (has only happened once), I am also grocery shopping, cooking family dinner, doing the dishes, etc. Maybe even taking kids to the ortho, summer camp, and school. Doing all that after my demanding job, and then he wants to garden every night (and maybe morning too!), means I am going to bed at midnight in a strange bed and then commuting into my office early exhausted. Rinse and repeat.

        Even without the kids just the driving is a lot. I live 30 minutes from the guy that just dumped me. Last guy was 1.5 hours away. And it mostly falls on me. I can do it, but only if I give up exercise time, live out of a bag, no more quiet nights at home, etc.

        1. You do not have to perform wifehood — the fact that you’re parenting his kids is nuts.

          1. +1 OMG yes, do not step up as substitute wife! Unless these guys are widowed or something, they should be running to spend time with you without the kids, whenever the kids are not there.

          2. girl you’re doing more than i do and i’m married. no wonder he was bummed you didn’t text back, imagine how you’d feel if your nanny was incommunicado for 2 weeks.

            agree with the others: this wasn’t your guy.

          3. +2. I do not have personal experience, but what you are describing does not sound like the norm based on what my friends who are dating men with kids have said to me.

            Does these men you are dating have sole custody of the kids? If not, why can’t they stay with you when the kids are with their mom?

        2. That’s a lot and at least to an extent I’ve felt that way before. There should definitely be give and take on whose house you’re staying at. I’m around the same age as you and my boyfriend, with a kid who he has true 50/50 custody of, lives just under a half hour away. We’re at his house slightly more often than mine but overall it evens out. We had a talk about 9-months ago that made me realize that some of what I’d been doing (around his house, staying there more often, etc) was something I put on myself not necessarily something that he expected. However, it made his life easier so he wasn’t going to say anything! I’d just encourage you to consider if everything you’re doing is truly your partner’s expectation or your own. If it is your partner’s than he’s probably not the right guy for you and I completely understand the feeling of relief!

        3. Whoa, WHY are you playing mom to a boyfriend’s kids? You really, really do not need to do that.

        4. Don’t parent a boyfriend’s children, and don’t date someone who expects you to do so. Or more realistically, don’t be the unpaid nanny to your boyfriend’s kids. The guy who expects you to do this is not a good partner.

        6. This is not a partner, this is someone taking advantage of you and you’re enabling them. Of course they’re going to cut you off when you stop working for free!

          You can’t expect them to value you higher than you do yourself. Hold out for better. You are worth more.

        7. On the stepparent Reddit we call this being a bangmaid. Stop doing it. Go to therapy. You’re choosing men in order to fulfill your own false narrative that you aren’t enough for someone unless you do everything for them. Only you can fix this! It’s hard but you can do it.

    3. It’s not you. You just haven’t found the right person.

      Prioritize yourself and your health in your next relationship.

    4. It’s harder in the early stages, but the things you mentioned (reading, exercise, and going for walks) are all things I do WITH my significant other.

    5. Don’t feel like a dunce. This is hard, and everywhere around us we hear crap about women sacrificing everything for a man/a family/a relationship.

      I was struck by your sentence, “And it is never enough.” That’s because there’s no “enough” to be had. You do not “run yourself ragged” for someone else. You make time for someone within your life, as they do for you; if you’re giving up things that are important and that keep you being yourself, then it’s not a good relationship. You don’t have to “keep a guy,” and if you feel like you do, then it’s not a good relationship.

      1. Yeah, I rarely think people are just -ing, but this doesn’t seem real especially with the additional detail.

    7. You are awesome the way you are right now. You do not need a man who is looking for a new wife/maid/mommy substitute and gets pouty when you have your own priorities.

      Reading your comments above, I’d say you need to do LESS in relationships rather than more. Your perfect mate will be thrilled to accept you the way you are, not as an unpaid servant.

    8. It isn’t that you aren’t doing enough; these guys are in it for what they can get out of it, and then they move on. Establish boundaries early.

      Now, maybe my advice isn’t great since I’m in the middle of a divorce, but people confuse dating norms and marriage norms. Give *everything* to your marriage. (I did and while I regret it, I also don’t. STBX did not.) Dating? Nope. Be kind, be caring, be fun, keep your own life.

    9. Caveating with I am in my late 20s so maybe there are considerably different factors, but maintaining my routine/independence has been a non-negotiable in my relationships. Mainly because I saw my mom lose herself in really terrible ways in her relationship with my dad. There have only been a handful of times across relationships where it’s presented (minor) issues, but in my current 3+ year relationship, it’s been honored and appreciated.

      Things I do:
      – I didn’t cancel things with friends or go out of my way for dates before we were official. Maintain my own life and see where they fit in until they are actually part of my life. Then they slowly gain priority.
      – Bring them in to select activities/gatherings in those early stages so I could at least knock two in one.
      – Establish life admin days once in the relationship. For me, that’s Sunday. As we get more comfortable, we can life admin together – often just sitting on the same couch while working on separate things lol. But until then, don’t expect to see me!
      – Biggest thing: Find someone who has an independently fulfilled life. I’ve found that relationships where we both have our own things and routines have been the healthiest. I know those routines often fall to the wayside during an exciting romance, but thiose

    10. It almost sounds like you’re treating the BF/relationship like another job or checklist/to-do item which isn’t bad, but it’s setting this expectation that *you* will doing the “maintenance”. I’d honestly consider flipping the script and asking for and demanding/expecting Princess treatment right from the start. He should be chasing YOU and trying to please you!
      Now that’s easier said than done but being very picky in the beginning might help weed out these lazy dudes.

  23. So it seems like a universal complaint that we all have shorter attention spans than we used to — blame social media, smartphones, 24/7 news, or MTV (if you’re An Old like me). Focus has never been my strong suit, but it’s really bad lately. Has anyone been able to basically retrain their brain for better focus? Everything I come across is stuff like “meditate and make sure you get enough rest!” which feels very long-term and not what I want. (Though the desire for quick results is of course a symptom of the problem.) Are there things like Couch to 5K for focus?

    (Let’s assume I do not have ADHD — a lot of discussions about it resonate with me, but every evaluation I have tells me I don’t have it. I could push the issue but I have bigger fish to fry at the moment.)

    1. Are you in perimenopause/menopause? If so welcome – brain fog/loss of focus is a VERY common symptom. I’ve got a visit this fall with a specialist to get on hormones but supplements that have helped are Qucertin/L-Mehtyl Folate/Magnesium/Ashwagandha. I also notice that my focus is shot at certain times of my cycle. It stinks but I try to double down on my executive function and lean into my natural cycles of productivity – (9-1pm, after 7pm).

      1. d’oh, I meant to add that – I’m in some phase of perimenopause, though it’s unclear how far in I am. I’m 47 and my periods first started getting occasionally wonky around 40, but that’s been basically it. You’d think I would have more intense symptoms by now. Anyway, I’m not against HRT but I’d like something more focused on focus (ha) for now.

    2. Grad school wrecked my reading attention span and I had to make a point of practicing reading for pleasure when I was done.
      For me it was a matter of treating it like any other skill I’d fallen out of practice on, since I knew I once has the ability.

      1. This. I find that turning to my Kindle (still electronic tho) and reading a book instead of scrolling Instagram is a good reminder for my brain that I do not just need to engage in quick attention jolts. It forces me to happily focus on one thing for a longer period of time.

    3. The advice I can give to improve focus if stimulants are off the table is pretty boring: exercise daily, sleep enough, eat vegetables, and build systems such that losing focus doesn’t matter as much.

    4. Following with interest because this morning I was literally thinking to myself: how do I fix my brain?

    5. Meditating and getting enough rest is literally something you could start doing today and it’s proven to help. I also find time outdoors, reading books on paper, and less phone time is useful. It’s truly the basics that make a difference.

    6. Pomodoro technique can be a good place to start!

      You can look up the Elevate app and see if it’s up your alley or not. I’m not sure it really works by brain retraining or if it’s more that it gets people into the right “mode” and then they experience benefits when the move on to what they wanted to focus on, but if it helps it helps.

      Quality sleep is sometimes more important than quantity, so if there’s any reason to suspect a sleep quality issue, that can be worth following up on. (I’m not diagnosing you with sleep apnea here, but when someone does need CPAP and gets it, they tend to notice benefits quite quickly though of course the process of getting set up with a machine takes longer.)

      If coffee or tea helps you focus, be aware that caffeine is a stimulant but also a cholinergic. There are ways to try to get the cholinergic effect without the jitters (e.g. hitting one’s RDA for dietary choline and also thiamine; statistically women are more likely to fall short of their choline RDA for whatever reason).

    7. One thing that helps me is to get the fluffiest possible books that I enjoy from the library to try to replace some time online. I can work my way up to more serious books slowly, but there’s no way a serious book is going to win over junk online when I’m tired.

      1. I’ve realized the sort of opposite for me. The fluffy romance/beach reads that I have enjoyed for decades now feel too formulaic to keep my attention. For me, I’ve had to go up a level in books to at least novels with good vocabulary and more complex sentences to be engaged. I just finished a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel and I’m moving on to Jane Austen. I read Jane Austen in 6th/7th grade, so I’ve got a benchmark there of, “Hey, self, you really used to be able to get through this!”

        (I found in a box at my mom’s house an essay I wrote as a college freshman. I was positively floored – I was a spectacular writer! – the result of reading my whole life. And now I just write boring reports with bullets and can’t imagine crafting sentences with emotion that advance a story and develop characters…who was this young woman!? More reading, less instagram!)

    8. I realize the irony of suggesting this here, but stay offline for whatever amount of time feels a little uncomfortable for you. Repeat it either later that day or the next day and add five minutes. And so on.

      Once your screen situation is sorted, start using that time to read things. Start with something that is below your current cognitive abilities. Over time but very gradually, increase the cognitive challenge. So maybe you start by reading People, progress to Texas Monthly, and then progress to the Economist or whatever.

      1. Hit enter too soon. Expect this process to take something on the magnitude of as long as it took for your focus to deteriorate, so if you were a PhD candidate with incredible focus a decade ago and now pick your phone up 200+ times a day, you can probably get back there, but it isn’t happening in two weeks.

    9. I am post menopause now and this is an issue for me that started in perimenopause. Two things that did help, at least a little, is taking Ginko Biloba (helps with memory) and trying not to multi task. My brain can’t multi task as well any more, so I try to avoid it as much as possible. This helps me focus better on the one task I am working on.

    10. the NYT has a series where they ask you to focus on one painting for 10 minutes — i keep meaning to do it and then, ha, forget.

    11. generally limiting social media use is huge – I don’t have tiktok, hardly go on IG, etc. Get out of the habit of quick scroll/swiping through things if you are.

      making an effort to only do 1 thing at a time in my downtime has helped too. Instead of the TV on, and scrolling on my phone, and trying to make a grocery list, etc etc – just one thing at a time. Reading physical books really helps with this too! remind your brain it’s good to get fully caught up in one thing.

    12. Read a book. Put down the phone, and read a real book you hold in your hands. Stop all the scrolling. You just need to practice. Read the ultimate long form – a book. Regularly.

      When you are in a meeting at work, in class, at a conference etc…. put away your phone/computer. Listen, and take notes by hand. You just need to practice.

      If you want to improve attention, of course make sure you are healthy (!)because if you are abusing yourself with a poor diet (vitamin deficiencies?), severe anemia or other common issues in young women (thyroid dysfunction etc..) that can mess up attention.

      But the most important things you need to do to improve attention you already know…

      Get enough sleep.
      Basic exercise. Eat decent food.
      Decrease stress.
      Treat mental health issues.
      Treat pain.

      You don’t need to train yourself to meditate, but sure that’s great and is super for stress relief.

  24. Someone linked a Thursday Boots Co chelsea boot (duchess) a week-ish ago and I am considering buying a pair. I’d like a pair for more casual days at the office and even blustery/kind of rainy playground days… these boots look very nice/high quality. I would treat them with all the proper leather treatments, but are these the kind of boots that it’s okay to expose to a little weather here and there? I’m used to wearing something akin to Blundstones or very nice heeled booties, and would love an in-between.

    1. They’re fine and a good value for the money, but for hard use go with something Goodyear welted. I’ve had my Thursday Vanguards for over 4 years, 2 sets of heel replacement and a resole and they’ve held up beautifully. I can polish them up when needed, but also have no problems wearing them for heavy yard work, construction, etc.

  25. I want to send a care package to a cousin who has been having a very hard time. Her brother killed himself 6 months ago. A total shock. She is reeling. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

    She feels so alone. No one understands what it is like. I’ve hooked her in with local support groups, and helped her get some health issues on track. She lives far away and I just wanted to send her some things.

    She is in her 50s. Bay Area super Mom, now in early retirement. Fun, sweet, easygoing.
    When I helped her last year she sent me some of “her favorite things” – a set of diptyque candles, and OSEA body oil. If those are some of her comfort favorites, anything that jumps to your mind for a care package for her?

    I need to fly to see her, but I can’t go for some time.

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