Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Midi Sheath Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Great basics can be hard to come by in the plus-sized space, so I was thrilled to see this fantastic short-sleeved sheath from Maggy London. My favorite part is that the sleeves are substantial enough that this could be worn on its own, but not so bulky that you can’t tuck them into a blazer.
If you’re already set with a basic black sheath, it also comes in navy.
The dress is $138 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 14W-24W. It also comes in straight sizes starting at $83.
(Hunting for more? These were our favorite plus-size work dresses in 2023…)
As of 2024, some of our favorite plus-size dresses for work include options from Lands' End, Karen Kane, CeCe, Talbots, J.Crew, Universal Standard, and Eloquii – also check Karen Millen, Pari Passu, and Tanya Taylor for more unusual choices.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
My brother was just included in a round of layoffs at his job. He’s about 15 years into his career. I can’t support him financially, but the good news is he is in a field that is in demand and I think he will find something else soon. Still, I feel horrible and I don’t know what to say in these situations. Any advice on how to comfort him? Have you been in this situation and did anything help?
My husband was laid off a couple of years ago. Just let him know you’re there to talk and ask him if he needs help. Don’t constantly ask him about his new job search. It can be frustrating when there’s not really any news to report. Let him bring up any job search news.
This! It is discouraging enough to slog through job openings and cross fingers, and the timeline isn’t really in his hands.
My husband was just laid off and his emotions are all over the place. I fortunately earn enough that it really isn’t an issue for us if we cut back on discretionary spending. His ego appears to be damaged more than anything else. I suggest letting him know you are there for him if he needs anything, let him talk about if he wants but don’t ask about it, and have some other topics you can talk about to maybe help take his mind off it. And I know you said you are not in a position to help him, but those who have recently lost jobs tend to cut out all unnecessary spending, so you may want to consider, if you are able to afford it, a $10 or $20 gift card for his favorite coffee place or something else that he loves and will probably skip until he is employed again.
You’re right, I’m able to afford something small! I sent him a small Uber Eats gift card to get something for dinner tonight so he doesn’t have to cook or spend.
That is awesome and perfect in my opinion!
+1
Very nice.
Whenever someone I know has been laid off I say something like sorry to hear that and let things go from there.
Maybe it’s a different situation with your brother, but everyone I know would have been offended to the nth degree if one of my first thoughts was about financially supporting them…
This! This is supportive and allows the person who received the bad news to take it from there. Maybe they want to talk about, maybe they view it as the worst thing ever, maybe not. Or maybe they do view it as terrible, but don’t find their loved one’s hand wringing and hypothesizing to be helpful.
I’ve been fired/laid off several times and it’s absolutely devastating. What helped was:
-Friends who were willing to let me talk and listen
-No platitudes like “You’ll find another job! Everything will be ok!” Because things did not feel ok.
-Gifts of food/food delivery gift cards
Do you live in the same city? Hear me out, take a day to play hookey and take your brother go-cart racing, to an arcade or something equally just fun (with some physical activity). It sounds absolutely silly, but let him blow off some steam in a child like way. His emotions will be all over the place in the next few weeks.
I love this idea.
It is kind of nice, because when you are doing physical fun things like that, you just can’t think about anything else…
Do you have reason to believe he doesn’t have sufficient savings to support himself? I’ve had many peers and family members get laid off over the years – DH included – and I think they would have felt kind of offended at the assumption that financial help would be needed.
No platitudes, no offers to pay for stuff, just support if he wants to vent or advice if he asks for it, not inquiring how the job search is going, etc. Depending on your relationship maybe a “oh man this s-cks” card.
At the risk of nitpicking word choice, it seems borderline toxic for a sibling to try to take on the role of comforting an adult with a 15-year career and decent industry prospects. Commiserate, sure, but you are not his life partner.
IDK — when it happened to my sibling, she was a single mom of a deadbeat ex not paying support, so she had no one to talk to in her orbit who wasn’t a joyful SAHM or a retiree or still happily working in a sought-after field.
Not all of us have life partners, unfortunately, and for some of us our sibling relationships are the closest ones we have in our lives.
What kind of relationship do recommend people have with siblings that is not “for life” and doesn’t involve comforting them through rough times?
You sound like you have some real life jealousy toward your partner’s siblings that you need to take care of.
Ummm what? Humans can and do (and should!) comfort their loved ones. I have many friends who I comfort, and they comfort me. This role shouldn’t be limited to a spouse or romantic partner, and I’m not sure where you got that toxic idea?
It was the immediate thought that this presumably 35+ year old needs his sibling’s financial support that sounded so infantalizing. If I was the brother, I would find that a huge, offensive overreach.
That’s a totally different issue from providing comfort to a loved one who is in pain!
What a bleak way of looking at the world. Nothing about OP’s post suggests toxicity or co-dependence. Your attitude is straight up toxic.
Glad we are not siblings, in that case!
Uh yeah, me too lady.
This is one of the strangest takes I’ve read here yet.
Comforting a sibling isn’t toxic. Assuming that sibling is going to want or need financial support is, though.
Why is this toxic? What is money for if not for security for ourselves and our loved ones?
Just incase you’re asking seriously: assuming a sibling is going to want or need financial support is toxic because it infantalizes them and assumes they aren’t capable of managing their lives like other adults do.
I think it’s lot more toxic to assume that adults never need financial support even temporarily in bad circumstances!
Did you know that people who are not infants sometimes lose their jobs and fall behind on their bills?
If OP can’t afford to help, it’s not relevant. But why would I let a loved one face long term consequences of falling through the cracks in social safety nets if I can afford to help out? People with family support often do better in life (they have less stress, can take risks that pay off because the consequences of failure are not as bad, etc.).
lol. Most Americans can’t weather a $400 expense.
I don’t think it’s toxic to want to support family. When you don’t have a spouse’s income to get through, it can be scary not knowing when the next income will come. I went through a period in my late 20s of 6 months of unemployment. If I hadn’t known I had my parents as a safety net, I honestly don’t think I could have slept at night. Now at 50, I’m a safety net for my widowed mom. Neither of us have had to call in that card with one another, but I’m sure glad to have had it. Looking out for one another in life is a good thing. I’m sorry you don’t have that or see the value in it.
Please read what I actually wrote. I said it is toxic to *assume a sibling is going to want or need financial support*. Whether the sibling is married or not, it is toxic to make an assumption about their financial capabilities and ability to manage. If the sibling communicates something that is an entirely different matter.
As aside, I’m not sure how you can know what I have or don’t have in my life from one comment you’ve read and don’t agree with.
And the OP didn’t… They just gave the context that they were looking for non financial ways to support?
I’m pretty sure I’m going to be let go in the next couple days and I really appreciate this thread today as it’ll be the first time I’ve lost a job and I’m dreading putting everything back together.
I’m so sorry. Hugs from this internet stranger.
I appreciated when people told me they were sorry, that it stunk that this happened, etc. Some amount of commiserating, especially in the beginning, helped. It was not helpful when people tried to cheer me up by telling me it’d be the best thing to ever happen to me, and that I’d find a better job. To me, that felt like along with losing my job and daily structure, I was now expected to DO BETTER!
It helped when people would let me mine their LinkedIn contacts, and offered to review my resume or cover letters. It helps when people agree that this process is difficult, and remind you that you may not even get an interview for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
One thing I wished was different — I had a couple of really bad interviews. One where they forgot me in their building, and one where a contractor on the call yelled “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for example. People encouraged me to stick it out, keep going, it’d get better, you want the job, etc. which increased my anxiety. This is bad advice. If you have a really terrible interview (come on, yelling at people?) you should not continue, and we should support people in walking away from bad scenarios.
I so agree with your last paragraph. Bad interviews are a huge red flag for the company; landing in a toxic work environment is a very bad idea.
Such good advice on walking away when you can tell from the interview the situation isn’t right. I had an interview in my early 20’s where one of the panelists asked me why, since we seemed to be the same age, I was applying for admin jobs while she had finished law school. (In other words “why are you such an idiot?”) I would never work for someone that snotty and judgmental, and yet the recruiter I was working with was horrified that I was no longer interested in the position.
OP here – I never meant to offend re: the financial assistance. I really only mentioned it because I thought someone might suggest it and wanted to point out that it’s not really a factor for me.
I knew what you meant. Some people on this board likes to fixate on an irrelevant detail and craft a reason why the poster is bad around it.
I would guess 90% of the people who read it knew what you meant! The person who keeps insisting that considering whether an adult family member might require financial assistance is “toxic” clearly has their own issues (or is just trolling).
Agree. Op here came off very normal and kind and someone came up with extremely dumb things to criticize her about.
I was laid off about 12 years ago. It wasn’t handled well by my manager and I felt awful when it happened. A co-worker in another department, who happened to be on sick leave for cancer treatment, reached out to me and took me out to lunch. I still remember that kindness.
I worried about getting laid off for my entire career. The giant corp I worked for went through round after round of layoffs. I was absolutely paranoid. Then I finally switched to another company because I couldn’t handle it anymore, and the new company laid me off hahah.
And you know what? It hurt my ego at the time but in hindsight, and not very long after the fact, it was absolutely one of the best things that ever happened to me. It was like starting over and I got a break from the mental anguish, and decided to try something new, which it turns out is absolutely great for me.
Your brother probably doesn’t want to hear that right now, but from me, who has been there, it will be ok. It really will. Good, motivated people don’t stay unemployed forever. He will land on his feet.
Actually remembering back, the best phone call I got was, “Hey. They’re idiots.”
And they actually were.
It’s important to just check in. I just went back to work after being laid off for about 6 months. He should do the practical things like file for unemployment and look at his discretionary spending. But otherwise, just send periodic need to vent kind of checks or be a shoulder to lean on. Layoffs are a grieving process like any other. Maybe he’ll get a new job immediately, maybe he won’t. It’s easy to get discouraged and compare yourself to other people and their state. If he asks for practical advice, maybe he should take the time to assess where he would like his next step to be. But also, it’s ok just to take the next thing and keep looking. We’re unfortunately led to believe that our job is an indication of our personal worth and it’s not. So just keep checking in and listening when it’s a great day or a sucky one. And +1 to free food!
I know this one’s kind of a weird question, but: for an interview at the state Department of Transportation, does it matter if I arrive by car or by public transit? This would be an engineering job, dealing with right-of-way requirements (for both cars and trains). The office where I’ll be interviewing is two blocks from one of our area’s main public transit stations, has its own bus stop, and is in a major downtown area where I honestly wouldn’t want to find parking under any circumstances. The job requires that I be able to drive so I can go to worksites in a state-owned vehicle; this isn’t a problem, I’ve been licensed for nearly a decade and never been in an accident, but I don’t have my own car and can’t easily borrow one for that day. Transit in my area is reliable, safe, and usually reasonably clean, so I’m not worried about that side of things; this is purely about whether the hiring manager is going to care about how I got there.
I have never once known or asked how someone I was interviewing got there. I wouldn’t think about it beyond choosing the option that gets you there on time.
I asked that question as part of my interview of entry level people in a non transportation industry. Commuting into the financial district of a large city is a big undertaking. It’s good to make sure people have a plan for how they’re going to do it day after day if they get the job. We’re talking just out of college (AA or BA) candidates here. “My dad drove me in,” led to a good conversation about what the commute would actually entail.
They aren’t even going to ask
How would they know? I also think the commute for an interview is different than the job. I used to work in downtown Chicago. I would take the train to commute. But for the interview or other sorts of one-off trips I drove since it enabled me to come and go on my schedule versus potentially waiting an hour for the next train. I also could eat a $50 parking fee a time or two much differently than every work day.
Yep, I think that’s the only thing that matters – convenience with respect to timing and parking. The only reason I’ve ever been asked how I got to an interview was when the interviewer validated my parking if I drove.
if they think anything of you arriving by train, I would assume it would be favorable.
*tr-nsit
This. Highly doubt they’d care, but if they do they’re going to be pro public tr-nsit
I have worked a few government jobs that required I drive on occasion. I didn’t have a personal car while I worked at those jobs. I commuted to both the interview and my daily commute via subway (3 blocks from the office). The job had a fleet of cars I could drive when I needed to. They only cared that I was licensed. However, I had two disabled coworkers who were unable to drive due to vision issues and they both received reasonable accommodations (would mostly carpool with colleagues and occasionally would Uber and expense it).
FWIW, I was a pretty bad driver at that time because I drove so infrequently and the work cars were much larger than cars I was used to. I had a fender bender while driving a work car. It was fine. Just lots of paperwork :)
They won’t care. They might ask if you found the place okay as normal chit chat, at which time you can say yes it was an easy walk from the station or whatever but no one will bat an eye that you took transit rather than drove. I worked for a state DOT whose HQ office was downtown and half of our employees took the train or commuter bus because highway traffic is a PITA
How is the hiring manager even going to know how you got there unless you volunteer the information?
Ha — I used to walk to the train in an area where many co-workers drove from attached garages. You can tell when walking in who had been out in the winter or rain and who hadn’t been. I looked like a sherpa while others . . . didn’t.
Omg what?! How would they even know. Please buck up a little. You are a smart confident independent woman.
+1!
Are you planning to discuss your arrival method during the interview somehow? How would they even know otherwise?
I don’t think they’ll care how you ARRIVE, but you should have ridden public transportation recently in order to comment on it
They absolutely won’t care. As you know, DOTs deal with all aspects of transportation: cars, buses, streets, sidewalks, bike infrastructure, trains (commuter and local). Being able to get to an interview or typical place of work on a regular basis in an efficient manner and being able to drive to other worksites occasionally (even frequently) are two different things. Your interview is not a driving test.
I am struggling to comprehend how we managed to turn into a country where the fact that Taylor Swift dating a talented football player on a top-performing team is a political conspiracy.
Oh dear. I hadn’t heard this one.
I wish I could somehow be put into suspended animation until Election Day, then vote, then go back into suspended animation until February 2025.
People with a victim mentality, who are susceptible to conspiracy thinking, will turn anything into a scandal. A better question is how we are a country that still has people who believe the world is flat.
It’s a grand conspiracy to get people to … show up and vote?
It’s all so ridiculous. And a huge distraction from the real issues.
I hope they do a split screen during the Super Bowl and show Taylor the entire time. Or they add her as a commentator. Or have her do the coin toss.
My sense is that it is a brilliant show-mance, sort of like how Old Hollywood used to fix up starlets with established movie stars. It’s great human interest. Apparently there is a third Kelce brother who is something like an accountant?
I think maybe you’ve missed the part where republicans have made this into something more sinister, because of course they have.
There’s no third brother. That was an online bit/joke.
Her Dad was a known big football fan of the Eagles, which is the team that his brother plays for. I’m zero percent surprised that she ended up with someone outside of Hollywood who is successful in his own career and can handle the fame/attention. Especially after a guy who seemed to not deal well with being in her shadow.
I’m really mad about the deepfakes. I’m sleep-deprived and not able to explain it well right now but AI seems to carry such risks for women. Being white, rich, and successful is no protection – in fact, the success is even more of a target.
Absolutely this.
Preach.
I’m generally pretty optimistic, but deepfakes really, really worry me. It’s the fake news problem to a whole other level and after observing the poor news literacy of so many people the last few years…I’m worried.
She encourages people to vote. Young voter turnout terrifies the GOP.
They hate the fact that she is successful, thin, blonde and not GOP. I can’t even with the chads/brads/dads who think she is a gold digger even though she is a billionaire.
She was shown for 44 seconds at the last game and people are shouting about how she is ruining football.
Football sucks and deserves to be ruined. Not that she ever would.
I thought she was very right leaning but just doesn’t voice political views in public? Encouraging people to vote is as neutral as it gets.
Her Dad was a finance guy so I think she was probably like a Bush GOP voter but she spoke out against Trump’s GOP in the last election.
One of her lyrics is ‘shade never made anyone less gay’. She’s not openly democratic but she’s definitely not like Trump GOP.
People were discussing this on one of my relative’s facebook pages and I got sucked into reading it. “What I saw on X is that JB pleased her.”
Like WTF.
What would possibly make you think that? The politicians she has endorsed (including Biden) have been Democrats and she is publicly pro-LGBTQ rights,
She came out very publicly against the GOP in Tennessee (Marsha Blackburn) when the candidate had voted against equal pay, voted against domestic violence and stalking protections, and had voted to allow discriminatory practices of businesses against LGBT. The decision was depicted in the “Americana” doc, and you can see the sorts of pressure she faced to remain looking neutral. It honestly made me a fan.
Coming out against the GOP in Tennessee is about the same as saying “I hate evil”. Lefties, Centrists, and old school Republicans all have no use for the current batch of MAGA sorts currently running the state and gerrymandering the formerly blue capitol city into a powerless shadow of itself, dehumanizing LGBTQ, ditto women, and same as it ever was for any brown people. Which is to say that Swift speaking out against that lot only tells you she is not MAGA.
Plus wasn’t there the episode where she sued a handsy radio show host for $1? Just on the principle of groping young women in show business is not something that should go unpunished.
Read Tim Alberta’s recently released book, “The Kingdom, The Power and The Glory,” and it will be less confusing – but not in a good way!
I just read that book. Horrifying.
It is embarrassing and I honestly wish someone would tell this segment of the alleged conservative movement to sit down and shut up.
Like do you want people to get married or not? Do you think it is a problem when young people aren’t finding love and forming meaningful relationships?
Situation: the Millennial It Girl (and I mean that in a very positive way) is head over heels in love with an amazing football player. He comes from a loving family (remember his mom’s custom made t shirt?). She is totally unashamed to cheer him on at his games.
This is a bad thing?!?!? WTF, people. I want more of this in the world!
They do think it’s a problem that young *men* aren’t finding relationships. (Because women have enough options now that they don’t have to put up with losers as much as they used to.)
I feel it honestly is a problem for women that so many young men aren’t suitable partners.
That too. The manosphere has done a lot of damage.
LOL, no. Try talking with an actual human to the right of Jessica Valenti to learn what they think.
In theory, marriage can be a great thing for people, leading to happiness, better health, wealth building, and social stability. In a healthy marriage, both spouses flourish. (A bad marriage, IMHO, may very well be the worst thing that happens to someone, so I personally am VERY anti “just get married even when there are red flags and issues of compatibility.”)
It was a great thing when teenagers stopped getting pregnant and stopped getting married at 18. Problematically, people stopped getting married in their 20s, then didn’t get married in their 30s, and likely won’t get married at all.
These are people who often *want* to find someone! So that’s bad. If they do find someone, it’s a ridiculous rush to have kids, and that rush has negative repercussions on marital stability. (The divorce rate ticks up for every year after age 32 that you get married.)
Then there is the problem of people who quite justifiably have soured on the institution. Their parents divorced and it was messy and awful. Their friends’ parents divorced. That awesome colleague a decade older just kicked her layabout husband to the curb because, quote, “I already have to raise two kids on my own and I am tired of raising a third.”
Or they just believe a career can’t coexist with love, marriage, kids.
… and then Taylor Swift comes along. For the love of all that is holy, Republicans, just be happy that there is a great role model for young women!
I have tried to find support for the statement that divorce ticks up after age 32, qualifying it to count first marriages for both parties only. I have not found anything to support that, although I have seen pieces talking about the sweet spot agewise. If you (or any reader) has information comparing apples to apples, to balance the higher likelihood of at one or more of those who marry at 32+, please share.
They just redirected all that ‘mad at the Barbie movie’ energy onto Taylor. Keyboard warriors in their Mojo Dojo Casa Houses.
I have not seen the political conspiracies but I did see an article claiming Taylor was only with him for HIS money. What? Baffling.
If you’re not a tradwife you must be a gold digger obv.
This conspiracy is so funny to me. I saw online somewhere a statement that said essentially “If Taylor and Travis break up, not only can she write an album about it that will sell millions and do another tour that will generate millions, but she is rich enough that she could buy the KC chiefs franchise and kick him off the team.” I don’t know the current valuation of this team (so she might not have enough money), buying sports franchises is not quite as simple as deciding you’ll just buy it one day, etc. I just found that take funny.
She seems happy. He seems like a decent guy. I’m not a huge Colin Cowherd fan, but his 4 minute speech on this yesterday was amazing.
He seems close with his brother and his brother seems to have also picked a tall strong woman and seems family orientated. There are way worse sports ball dudes out there.
Also, he’s 6’5″ which, speaking from experience, is the perfect height when you are 5’10”.
The internet. I curse Al Gore for inventing it. s/
No seriously it has become like the tabloids of yore. People used to laugh at those, but you have people online who read stuff akin to News of the World and now believe in actual lizard people.
The layoff question prompted this question. I expect to have to layoff about half my team in a few weeks. I have a good relationship with the team and have been open with them for a few months that I expect there will be layoffs, I don’t know who will be impacted yet, and that if that instability worries them they should be job searching.
I’m curious what tips folks have for the person doing the layoff. Our HR team has given me generic guidance but it’s my first time doing this. This is going to be devastating for many of them – I’d like to do my best to not inadvertently make things worse. I plan to offer my help with job searching (intros, resume, references, etc.) My boss is well connected in our field and has been reaching out to contacts about potential openings and have identified a few we can share with folks if they are interested.
Keep it professional. Certainly offer intros and references where warranted, but do not take it upon yourself to find these people new jobs. I was laid off and turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My boss offered to give a good reference (which I took him up on) and that was sufficient.
Sounds like you have done enough. Don’t get emotionally involved. If anything be worried about yourself. Get your resume out there. Years ago I had to manage a layoff including some of my team. Who was the last one to get laid off after I did all the dirty work…me.
This
If it’s at all possible, consider laying them off effective in March and not February.
If their job search takes them more than a few weeks, they look like they were employed more recently (ie., in mid-April, people will just assume that they had jobs right up until 2-3 weeks ago).
Down the line, it also removes a resume gap: if they get laid off effective in March and get a new job in March or April, they won’t get questions about it.
As for the emotional aspect: some people want you to be emotional with them; some want the space to be emotional right there; some of us (that’s me!) loathe having to performatively emote and want to lick our wounds in private. Follow their lead.
Also–health insurance. Always better to get one more month partially-paid by your employer than COBRA. COBRA is crazy expensive!
I’m sorry you have to do this. It truly is the worst. I’m in HR and have to help managers with this on a regular basis. I know this might sound cold but I would recommend that you really process your emotions outside and stick to a pretty neutral script and guidance for HR on this. Legally it can go south if you start expressing a lot of regret etc and it’s frankly disrespectful and comes off poorly to the employee if you’re all upset and into your own feelings. Remember too that they basically won’t hear much after the news they’ve been laid off so make it brief and make a plan to follow up with transition planning etc. HBR has some good articles on layoffs if you have some access. Take care of yourself and your remaining team. It can be really hard on the ‘survivors’.
Just don’t do what my husband’s manager did 10 years ago. He opened the call by saying this was so hard for him. Yeah, dude, you remained gainfully employed so that didn’t ring true at all.
I’m the OP and I can’t believe his boss said that! Like, that’s rule number one – keep it professional / brief / non emotional.
Even though you have a good relationship with your team and you’ve been preparing them, you’re about to disrupt those relationships in a major way. Expect strong reactions from the people let go and also the people staying. A lot of those reactions might be directed at you — because you’re now “the enemy who did this to me/my colleague/our team.” I say this as someone who was laid off in a situation where I had really good relationships with my boss and coworkers, and my anger toward the whole situation—and them—took me by surprise.
+1. The relationships will not be the same anymore.
I know this may sound basic, but there were two good pieces of advice I got before I had to start handling things like this. I always remind myself of them before I go into each conversation.
1. They are human beings, you are a human being. Treat them the way you would want to be treated on what is obviously a very difficult day.
2. Resist any impulse to make this about you. You will naturally be thinking about your feelings and how difficult you find this. Put that aside and think about them.
But aside from these points, don’t forget that you represent the employer. Never take off your company hat in your effort to be empathetic.
Be mentally prepared for the possibility of being laid off in the future. It happens quite frequently.
The advice I got was to not act sympathetic. People don’t want to be pitied. Just keep to the facts, thank them for all they’ve done for the company, and wish them the best (if they’re being walked out.)
It’s a terrible feeling so I empathize with you. I think you have to stick to a script that HR gave you but definitely be a reference where you can. Having been on both sides of this, make sure HR has an off boarding packet that gives info on insurance, unemployment, PTO payout, etc. I was completely caught off guard at my last job that our insurance ended the day of employment. Yes, I could have remembered that from the employee handbook, but I appreciate the jobs that give you all that important info in one place because a lot of people won’t ask those questions.
For those of you attorneys who are in-house or looking to go in-house, do you know anything about a job board for in-house positions called JDHuntr? They post jobs on Linked-In but when you try apply it takes you to a weird git.it page and it seems like they want you to pay money to see the jobs and apply. Seems very suspect to me, but wanted to ask if anyone has successfully used them? They post jobs that seem great but my spidey-sense is up. Thanks!
I’m in-house and got my job in the past year. I remember seeing JDHuntr– I don’t think I actually applied to anything on it for the same reasons you’re describing. I did apply to something listed by Jobot and didn’t get a response. I actually think I didn’t get a response from any of the generic job listings I applied to… whereas I got screening interviews from listings affiliated with the actual company.
sorry – inhouse lawyer who has recently job searched, fwiw
I think it may be a job aggregator, but I don’t think it’s a scam. if you see a job of interest, I’d try to find it elsewhere if you’re getting bad vibes from that link.
There’s a Reddit post about it if you search JDHuntr Reddit. Short answer is it’s not exactly a scam but also not very helpful and it’s hard to cancel.
Thanks for this! Just read about it on Reddit. I’m definitely not going to sign-up.
Check Goinhouse if you haven’t already. My current job was the first job that Goinhouse spat out at me when I put in my search parameters.
I am the poster from last week who was awaiting two pieces of news (possible funding to expand my current team and/or a possible promotion outside of my team). Rumour has it that the promotions will be announced today or tomorrow. Please cross your fingers for me.
Crossing fingers! Good luck!
Oof! Sending all my best vibes!
In 2025, is my eye right that boots to wear with pants are flat and have a 1” heel? I tried some booties yesterday with a pointy toe and 1.5” heel and it just looked bad now. Boots are older. Maybe for dresses with tights? I feel like they worked with pants in 2019. My faux Doc Martins now look very current with 2024 bottoms.
2024! Need coffee!
the booties you describe seem like they would do fine peeping out from below a wide leg or flared pair, but wouldn’t do well with wide-leg crops or straight legs.
This.
+1
my theory is if J.Crew is still selling pointy-toed boots with small heels then it’s still “in” enough for my purposes.
Truly you’re making things up
The entire fashion industry and the existence of this workplace fashion blog would beg to differ. You can choose to ignore it but OP isn’t making up that what looks current changes.
Yeah I’d say trust your eye. You absorb what is going on around you without consciously realizing it. When I put on something and it doesn’t feel current or right, that’s probably a sign you won’t be that comfortable wearing it.
I definitely pack away items I feel that way about, and someday I might like them again, or someday I might go through them and say “why did I save this?”
That happened to all of my straight/pencil skirts last year.
No, I think heels are still in.
What is the shaft height? I had some booties that sound similar that I wore all the time in 2019ish times, and they also looked off to me this year. They had a very pointy toe, 2 inch heel, and a low shaft– slight below the ankle. I have a heeled that I still wear that has more of an almond toe. What makes it look current to me is that the shaft is high enough to go inside the leg of my pants. (This also means that I’m not wearing cropped pants with boots.) I wear these heeled boots to work and for dressier occasions, but I don’t wear them as ubiquitously as I did with my booties. I have a pair of chelsea boots that I wear more frequently.
There are two things in life I am saving up for: college for kids (4 and 5 years out) and retirement (husband is <10 years out; I am younger and pre-marriage thought I'd work until 70, or for several years after kids are out of college). Now, it all feels closer — spouse is likely to want to retire asap and that would put me at 60 if he retires when he is 65. 2008 still feels close. For college $, I've moved 1/4 of the funds into CDs (currently locked down for a while, earning healthy interest). For retirement, I roughly estimated a year of expenses and moved that into a money market fund (currently healthy interest but not locked in the way a CD is; was most cash-like thing on investment window). For people closer to either, what else do you do when you approach the "spending down" part of life? I am realizing that I have understood the assignment as far as savings goes, but not ever managing with wise spending (for college, I will still be working, so there will be many baskets to draw from; not so with retirement). Any thoughts / blogs to start reading / etc.?
Hire a professional. You have minimum ten years idk why you’re pulling money out of investments now. Don’t squander all your hard work, pay a pro.
Your post confuses me. Have you not heard of 529s and tax-advantaged retirement accounts?
Right, but you have to allocate funds within those accounts. IMO, a 500 index fund is appropriate when you are 25 but when you are a few years away from spending the $, not appropriate as a 100% allocation of any saved-for funds (whether or not in a tax-deferred account).
Yes, but the fact that the OP apparently has college-fund cash hanging out in CDs and one year’s worth of living expenses earmarked as their retirement savings in a money market fund makes it sound like they need a more basic understanding of what types of financial tools exist before getting into the weeds of selecting target-date funds in their IRA.
Yea. These decisions are wrong. Ten years is not soon in retirement world. Hire a pro
Bogleheads. Lots of discussion on spending in retirement, and preparing for retirement.
Bogleheads is great, especially the real life examples, and actual numbers. Honestly, those 2 things helped me the most.
Following with interest. I’m 12 years away from age 59 and being able to draw them down and we don’t really know what our financial picture will look like then, so i’m trying to still be aggressive but put some money into 2030/2035/2040 target funds at vanguard.
I listened to a podcast recently that said that they disfavored target date funds as a sole solution. They don’t solve for something like a 2008 crash (only true cash equivalents do that). I have my kids’ 529s in a target date fund (50), but am keeping a healthy money market account balance now within the 529 and then CDs outside of the 529 that will mature laddered starting in 5 years. I can deal with not beating the market but I can’t deal with everything crashing just when I will need it. FWIW, I have no retirement plans, but it’s not realistic to “defer for a year or five)” with something like college (I guess if you can’t go, you can’t go, but that shouldn’t be from bad planning on my part).
Have you talked to retirement services at your HR? That might be a good first step to understanding what you already have and then figure out what your options are. Also, what about your medical if you retire at 60?
Looking for hotel recommendations in NYC with two kids (K and 5tth grade). We live in the burbs but will spend a weekend there in the spring as something fun to do. Looking for something nicer, can spend 500ish per night.
My niece (in her early 20s) is facing a scary cancer diagnosis that’s pretty rare. I feel so useless right now. Thoughts on how to best help? They are in the hospital right now and I will try to bring them some food later today. We live in a fairly rural area so I have to imagine they will need to go somewhere else for treatment. Thanks in advance.
I’m so sorry. YMMV (depending on family dynamics), but when I was helping an aunt who was diagnosed with cancer, it was helpful for her family to have me do the research on available clinical trials. I provided them with a list of options (from clinicaltrials.gov) so they didn’t have to navigate that world while also attending to daily needs.
Not exactly the same, but I had a good friend who had a double organ transplant last year in a hospital across the country. She appreciated care packages with items like books and some of her favorite candles. She also enjoyed handwritten letters and cards. I would send funny memes and gifs from time to time. I also let her know I would support her in whatever way was meaningful and took cues from there. She didn’t want to be treated like a patient and didn’t like to be asked about her progress, but she would share updates when she wanted to talk about something. That’s super personal, though, and I encourage you to have a direct and kind conversation with your niece to see what will work best on that front.
Sending good thoughts to your family.
Help with things like errands, laundry, dog walking, meals.
What helped me the most with both cancer diagnoses and the brain surgery were the friends who said “I’m bringing dinner, would you prefer X night or Y night?” They did not ask me to let them know what help I needed which was a godsend. I had no energy to think beyond the treatment at hand and couldn’t have figured out what I needed.
It’s changed what I do now when friends are going through hard times. I don’t say “let me know what you need,” I make an offer with flexibility.
Also meal gift cards are the bomb.
+100%
Also google “grief groceries”
I’m sorry, it sounds really tough. You likely know that caregiver fatigue is very real, and while her parents might have the strength/stamina to get through the next few days or weeks, they will need someone to spell them and you might be able to fill that respite care role. Also not sure if you and your niece have any interests in common (fashion, celebrity gossip, sports teams, etc.), but maybe when you’re with her you can bring magazines/talk about such subjects to give her a distraction from all the medical stuff. I also like the other poster’s idea about being the one to research clinical trials if that’s appropriate in her case.
Thanks to everyone for the very helpful suggestions. This community is the best.
That is so hard. I’m so sorry.
Try to focus on the present moment – “I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time,” and not how scary the diagnosis is, or what will happen down the line (especially don’t talk about prognosis.) If your niece or her immediate family bring it up, of course you listen, but don’t be the one to bring up all the scary stuff.
By the same token don’t “look on the bright side” and tell anyone what’s so great about their cancer diagnosis. Or tell her that your god is going to save her.
Do tell her you love her.
I’ve been the parent in this situation but with a younger child. The above is based on my experience being in that situation.
House renovation question- our kitchen is currently being renovated by my insurance’s contractor due to water damage. Kitchen cabinets are white. Our previous counter was a beige/gray granite. They have given me the option of quartz or granite for the replacement. I would prefer a lighter color, which seems to be more of a thing with the quartz. DH thinks we should stick with granite and that quartz will devalue the house. It’s an old house (Victorian), but nicely renovated with original historical details (moldings, stained glass, wood stairs). Any opinions on the compared merits of quartz or granite? I would get a white/gray marble-looking quartz, or a grayish blue granite.
I’d stick with granite. I think quartz is morally indefensible until worker protections improve
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/24/1189745247/silicosis-young-workers-kitchen-countertops-lung-damage-california
Do you have kids? My kids have twice taken a hot pan from the stove and put it directly on the countertop. That would have melted quartz (which isn’t a rock but a manufactured product that will melt). We have honed marble, which was just fine. We can’t have easily-ruined things.
Even adults can do this, so agree about the heat resistance of granite.
Hm, interesting, I didn’t think of that. I have a toddler so she’s not grabbing any hot pans yet (hopefully), but definitely something to consider. The internet seems to think quartz is easier to keep clean, but TBH our previous counters seemed fine to be. I always use a cutting board to chop food anyway.
I vaguely recalled hearing that in the showroom and thought that would never happen to me. Until it happened to me. Within a week of moving in post-renovation.
I have silestone in my old house, I put hot Le Creusets on it all the time and it has never “melted.”
I liked the silestone for my 1909 home because it was all one color and visually closer to what would have been appropriate for the house. We were basically starting with a blank slate (taking out a bad and falling apart DIY job from the 1970s) so we didn’t know what the original kitchen looked like – but chances are it was an industrial looking space – stand-alone hearth/oven/stove, stand-alone sink & icebox, with a baking table, the latter of which we fortunately still have. All that said, there is really no “authentic” countertop for a house from the Victorian era. We felt plain and not a wavy looking granite was best.
It would be nice to put a carrara marble top on our baking table, which is against one wall of the kitchen & meant to go there based on its shape, but we have our coffee and tea setup on it, and are not inclined to be carrara marble level careful.
Granite for a kitchen due to heat resistance. I have quartz in my bathroom which is fine, but I prefer granite in my kitchen. You might be able to find a lighter colored granite, worth searching.
Granite or soapstone (if that’s a thing in your geographic location) would be most period appropriate.
+1. Soapstone scratches more easily (no casually slicing things on the counter) but is period appropriate and pretty.
I don’t like soapstone, but we have leathered black stone (I forget the type) that looks similar but has white flecks in it that I just adore. Our neighbor has soapstone and the whole oiling it thing was too much maintenance for me, along with our kids’ ability to ruin it by scratching it (pandemic schooling on kitchen island; homework now).
I installed soapstone in my prior kitchen renovation and still miss it (we had to move). It’s gorgeous and looks great in older homes. I never found I needed to oil it like crazy. It does wear but that takes decades, not months, and for me it was a plus.
I hate my granite counters. I’d do quartz or marble. I don’t mind wear and tear so personally I’d pick marble. Granite is also very “out” if you’re thinking of resale value.
Yeah, a few months ago there was a very funny post about people “deserving” an upgrade from granite to marble.
What do you hate about them??
The way they look. I think granite is an ugly stone. YMMV.
I agree. I think of granite as “of an era” which is not the current era.
We got leathered finish “Fantasy Brown” slabs which is like a hardened marble, or dolomite. Sometimes they label it as granite because it’s almost as hard as granite, but it had the nice veining of marble (although more promitite than quartz). Contrary to the name, ours doesn’t have any brown. We LOVE it. Four years in and no etching or issues at all. I love being able to put hot pans right on it. 10/10 recommend.
This is a great thread about ti: https://www.houzz.com/discussions/2607689/calling-all-fantasy-brown-owners
Is quartzite an option?
Not the OP, but it is $$$$
Personally, I’d do quartz. I’m not a fan of grayish blue granite. I have light colored quartzite and I thought I wouldn’t mind the extra care, but it turns out that I really do mind etching and not being able to clean my counters with certain products. If I were to redo them I would get quartz instead.
IMO honed Danby marble will be very and mainly white vs gray, but the veins will be pretty.
Marble is even more prone to damage than quartzite.
We don’t baby our kitchen marble. It’s fine. Just don’t get polished marble — honed or leathered if you are edgy. We went with honed. Neighbor who does a lot of enternatining and red sauce also has honed marble and it is 15+ years old and looks great.
I had “superwhite” granite in a previous house and loved it — very dynamic like marble, and some slabs are lighter.
Obviously not OP of this post!
I don’t hate granite like many seem to these days. It survives the daily wear and tear of life. And, there are color options available that aren’t super busy or patterned, if that’s what you’re worried about. Other options, to me, look lovely but seem way more high-maintenance than I’m willing or able to be.
Team quartz. For an older home get one with the subtlest veins possible and try to mimic marble. I think the polished quartz looks better than the honed. I think granite looks like it was installed 20 years ago. The lighter ones still look blotchy and busy. I’d push for actual marble but I’m firmly type b and would not mine if my counters aged like the bar at a Balthazar, especially in a period home.
Also team quartz.
Well this is on the front page of my NYT – “A $120 tote bag is drawing criticism of the influencer selling it.” I’ve never heard of this influencer or her tote bag…but all I could think of is why is the NYT writing about this? Luxury brands sell basic bags at high prices all the time; immediately the Marc Jacobs “The Tote Bag” came to mind… I get why Tic Toc and her followers might have things to say about Emily Mariko, but is this really NYT worthy? It feels like a Daily Mail article.
Gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/30/style/emily-mariko-tote-bag.html?unlocked_article_code=1.R00.BXkm.j18q5Slb90_n&bgrp=a&smid=url-share
I often learn about TikTok trends via the NYT and the WSJ. I like it. YMMV.
No one fusses at LV and other coated canvas bags that are 10x more.
Right? I thought for sure the article was going to go into all of the other premium brands that sell canvas tote bags at higher prices…nope. It’s just a rehash of what’s happening on Tic Toc.
The NYT puts the gossip column on the front page??
because journalism is dead and owned by venture capitalists and what we used to consider real newspapers are just for-profit machines planting cookies for clicks and spon conning.
And here’s why that’s a problem for Joe Biden
#Pitchbot
Is this your first time reading the NYT?
NYT style section is notorious for their puff-pieces, especially covering modern internet celebrities. I think they are trying to show the cultural shift and push back against “quiet luxury” influencers hawking unnecessary products.
The punch line was at the end of the article. “The tote bag is sold out.”
I’m looking for advice on how to know when it is time to leave a job vs. stick it out and hope for improvement (knowing that anything good will have ebbs and flows).
I’ve had multiple miserable and consuming jobs (as an attorney). When I got to this company years ago, I felt that I had finally–at long long–found something stable that allowed me to have a life outside of work and balance to allow me to be present with my kids. Unlike other places I had been, it seemed to be functioning and smoothly operated.
Things have been turned upside down over the last few months due to people leaving, open positions/people out on leave, special projects, etc. It will most certainly keep getting worse for months before there is a chance of it getting better. I’m fearful to leave this company because I’m been at some terrible companies, I don’t want to get somewhere worse. And, I’ve been at this company for years and this was a wonderful and stable place to be until the last 7 months.
How do I push through these miserable months ahead? How do I know when it’s time to leave (and manage the fear that I’ll end up somewhere worse, because I’ve been at worse places!)?
Those worst places you were at before? You left them! If you end up at one again, you can leave it, too! But since you have those experiences, you are better equipped to recognize them in the future, so the chances you do land at one are more slim.
When you’re in the middle of it, it can be so hard to remember that every organization has its downtimes when things hit the fan, people leave, projects get piled on, etc. And it’s not easy to cope with, especially if you’re directly affected. If you still overall like what you’re doing, I’d encourage you to stick it out for awhile and see how it goes. If things are still awful in a year or getting worse, then consider moving on. Don’t bail at the first sign of trouble unless there’s something truly nefarious going on. What you’re describing sounds like a normal part of the cycle.
Source: Have been in the same workplace for 15 years and have ridden out some storms, believe me. But ultimately, I am glad I stayed.
I’ve been at a “stable but not a fit” workplace that I left for somewhere that was a flaming dumpster fire with questionable and unethical leaders combined with terrible business results. I can to appreciate stability and now I’m at a third place that’s more like #1 than #2.
for me: I’m going to stick for awhile and see how it goes, and give myself a break from job hunting even if this job isn’t perfect. if you anticipate the struggles will be shorter term, I’d consider doing the same. for me there is a big difference between a short-term tough situation and a “rotten to the core” company/job – if you’re in the first category I’d consider staying out.
When it starts affecting your health is when you need to leave. Do you still have time to exercise? Are you sleeping ok? Are you still eating like normal, or are you stress eating and feeling crummy as a result? If you’re someone who is able to compartmentalize and it’s not affecting you otherwise, then it might be worth sticking it out to see if something turns around.
Also, be honest with what it would really take for things to turn around. A couple key hires that the company is actively searching for? Resolution of litigation that has an end in sight? Implementation of new software or processes that is significantly underway or has a clear timeline? If it’s multiple of these things, or there doesn’t seem to be anyone actively working on a resolution, I’d be wary of staying much longer. Better to dust off your resume and at least start looking than wait several more months while things continue to deteriorate.
As for your fears of landing somewhere worse, you will need to vet, vet, vet. Ask tons of questions in interviews. Make it clear that you’ve experienced some very bad fits (and at least one very good fit) and are really looking for somewhere that’s going to be a great fit for both parties.
Not OP, but any good resources to share about how to vet thoroughly when you don’t know any people that work at the potential new place? (Blogs, sites with good advice)
What steps is your company taking to mitigate the massive increase in work? These days, high quality contract talent is quite easy to find (Priori, Axiom, Beacon Hill, Robert Half all do this and do it well). Is that even a consideration? Are you allowed to flex your time, maybe WFH a few days a week?
Any tips on interviewing for in house legal roles? I’m fortunate to have some interviews coming up!
the best in house attorneys are very practical – realizing that there’s a balance between legal, financial, and operational risk and being able to spot the pros and cons of which risks are or aren’t acceptable to help guide business decisionmaking. So think about ways you can demonstrate you helped find creative or practical solutions on projects!
also, read up a bit on each company’s industry, latest news, etc.
Don’t act like or ask questions that would indicate you think in-house is easier or less prestigious than firm jobs or that the lawyers who work in house “couldn’t cut it” at a firm. I’m not at all saying you have this attitude, but it is common, and people get dinged for it A LOT.
Oh yes, this is great tip. It’s so aggravating
Have an elevator speech prepared for why you want the job, what you are looking for in a job, and why are leaving your current job. Don’t be too negative, but you need to be able to answer the question and move on.
Be honest about what you want from the job. I think we are all used to people-pleasing at a firm– in-house jobs are all very different and are about fit. There’s no reason to try to get a job you don’t actually want.
Make sure to allow time for the person interviewing you to ask questions. For some reason, all of my in-house interviews made me ask questions first. I realized after my first interview that I hadn’t actually talked very much and probably didn’t leave a great impression.
Google “in-house counsel interview questions.” There are a lot of good blog posts that can tell you questions to ask or think about. It may also be worth talking to other in-house attorneys you know so that you have a better understanding of how in-house works and what questions you should ask.
Good luck!
Goinhouse.com interview guide and Lawyer Whisper blog posts will leave you well prepared.
Understand that you need to be practical, understand the business, and not be the department of no.
Be willing to stretch/say you like getting up to speed in new areas of law to assist with what the business needs.
Do not emphasize that you are looking to be trained or mentored–while those things do happen (depending on the size of the department), it is much more likely that you will need to be able to operate independently in your area(s) of subject matter expertise. There’s not a lot of layers of review in house–you will likely work quite autonomously on most of your projects, which is different than firm life.
You will love controlling your own time and having nights and weekends back though. It’ll be nice.
For those of you who struggle(d) with brain fog and mood swings because of (peri)menopause, does this sound like what you experienced?
– Brain fog to the point you’d have trouble finding the words to describe how to make toast
– Brain fog so severe that you cannot function at any level professionally (you can really only stare at a screen and see words and pictures) and have to take the day off and take a long, deep nap to “reset” your brain
– Brain fog bad enough that you don’t allow yourself to drive because you feel significantly impaired
– A mood swing pattern that includes crying twice in one day (once from a sad story, once from frustration) and feeling actual rage twice in one day (once from the news, once from frustration) and feeling anxious and jittery in between.
I am in the unenviable position of going through perimenopause and having trouble finding the right antidepressant. Unfortunately, the symptoms of depression (irritability, brain fog) can be similar to (peri)menopause. I’m working with a wonderful psychiatrist for med mgmt and we’re meeting weekly or biweekly, but he’s not inside my brain.
Unfortunately, bad menopause runs in my family (my aunt’s been sweating for 25 years like she’s in her own personal sauna; my great-grandmother was reportedly the same). My mother exhibits similar brain fog symptoms, but she and I could share mental health or hormonal causes because depression also runs in the family.
Thanks for your insight as we try to tease this out. The brain fog is particularly debilitating. If this is “normal” hormonal brain fog, I have no idea how the women of the world haven’t risen up and demanded a remedy from scientists.
Are you sleeping ok?
Are you exercising?
Are you getting daily sunlight exposure?
Are you seeing an GYN expert in perimenopause?
Are you having other perimenopausal sx like hot flashes etc..?
I think you need a good gyn and maybe HRT.
+1 to HRT and then I’d also look into taking quercetin and l-Methylfolate (basically a generic of ‘deplin’). I get terrible brain fog around my period and these have helped a ton.
+1 to Deplin or equivalent. I also needed zinc carnosine since my zinc was low (I guess they work together).
This. My Grandma was on HRT for 30 years. Her doctor son was very helpful a few times when she was older and doctors tried to take her off it. She never got cancer and was absolutely miserable before she was on it. Like non-functional. It was essential for her. My mom doesn’t seem to have had such a hard time and (knock wood) I’m doing okay so far.
Have you had COVID? Asking because maybe that’s the source of the brain fog?
I was thinking the same thing.
Big surgery with deep general anesthesia, plus COVID, plus menopause has been the unholy trifecta that decimated my executive functioning. I am nothing now but a walking, talking conglomeration of lists and reminders.
Ask your doctor about hormone replacement therapy! That is the remedy.
The part about not finding words is real. I feared I was getting early onset dementia, even though I was functioning find otherwise. Closer to the actual menopause now and I do find some of the brain fog symptoms have abated.
This does not sound normal, this sounds like it is significantly impacting your quality of life! And it sounds miserable, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
Any of those things might be easily dismissed if it were an occasional thing. But you need to find a gyn who specializes in menopause and can help you dial in your hormones. You may also want to explore with your PCP (or gyn) whether there are other factors at play such as long covid, thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiencies (to name just a few of an infinite list).
You may also want to read the Menopause Manifesto which will give you a good perspective on range of treatments and symptoms.
I think you need to talk to your GYN or PCP about HRT. This is literally what it’s for. Your symptoms sound especially severe and debilitating.
I keep running into the line that it’s not “evidence based” to provide HRT for perimenopause (vs. menopause). Is there a trick to finding providers?
I … don’t think that’s true?
I am 37, in peri and was prescribed the pill as a form of HRT. They said they wouldn’t do other types of HRT (like estrogen-only) because of increased uterine cancer risk.
It’s an N=1, but a friend in similarly early peri was told she wouldn’t get HRT until actual menopause.
I’m 40 and was also told that HRT (not the pill) is only for actual menopause.
You may have some success with this org: https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx –some are outdated, not practicing, or have long, long wait times, but it’s a start.
I also was very up front “I want to try hormones, period. I’m not willing to discuss any other mitigation efforts or OTC remedies or lifestyle changes. I’m coming to you because from my research and understanding, hormones can and will make significant impacts in my quality of life”
I also use the “magic phrase” with providers which is “This is impacting my day to day life/impacting my quality of life”
Another phrase which is a bit more direct “would you note on my chart that you’re refusing to prescribe hormones against my wishes and requests? I’ll be making a complaint and I need that evidence, thanks!” (or a softer version–“can you note that on my chart? I’ll be taking my chart to another provider”).
Thank you!
Just one story in case this is not on your radar. That level of aphasia for me was one of the red flags that I needed B12 shots. Though I was also making the toast wrong by the time I was diagnosed, and I had trouble crossing the street, let alone driving. Antidepressants didn’t help at all (which in retrospect makes sense). For me the underlying autoimmune condition causing the malabsorption had also caused some other deficiencies which in turn had lowered hormone production. I was lucky that I was too young for it to all be blamed on perimenopause or it would have been harder to sort out.
I’m still nervous about perimenopause though because low hormone levels were miserable for me. I’m frustrated to have already encountered some doctors who say they don’t treat in any way or consider HRT until it’s full fledged menopause!
Right, I was thinking it doesn’t sound like it has to be either depression or menopause. I would go to a doctor and maybe try to rule out some other things!
There’s a level of cognitive impairment (what brain fog really is) at which they do things like run MRIs… I think it’s better to play it safe and not jump to conclusions about what is wrong. Sometimes it’s just something like a sleep issue, but that can be treatable too.
HRT. There is increasing evidence coming out that it is a very important treatment to prevent dementia in menopausal women.
See your PCP and get her help. She can screen for vitamin deficiencies. Low B-12 and low D each gave me a fuzzy brain.
See a neurologist ASAP. This is not normal.
I never had brain fog. Hot flushes/ flashes especially neck area. And irritability nut who knows if that was menopause or just me!
I’ve posted here before, but looking for experiences regarding MiSight, a therapeutic contact lense for kids to slow down myopia progression.
Kid is 8 yrs old, is at -3.25 and -3.75 dpt, which worsened by 0.5/1.0 dpt from last year. It is certainly genetic as I am at -6.75/-9.0 dpt, so I can see a similar path of progression.
I think compliance with contact lenses would be good as my kid is quite mature, and I have decades of experience with contacts.
My son got these at 10 years old and has been using them for about six months. He’s doing awesome with them. I, like you, believed he was a good candidate due to his personality and he has handled them so well, he’s really risen to the occasion. Our eye doc made him go through two “fitting lessons” before they would place a full order—he had to be able to put them in and take them out by himself three times. The tech who helped him was awesome and patient and it was such a good intro for him without the stress of involving mom and dad, so you should request something similar if your eye doc doesn’t already provide it. He was so happy to be able to buy regular fun sunglasses at the store just like his siblings instead of begging for Rx ones!
Did you see some progress already, or is it too early to tell?
I just learned that there are also eyeglasses called Miyosmart, available in Europe and Canada, which supposedly do the same thing. Since we’re originally from Europe with family there who we visit twice a year, I might research that in parallel.
I don’t know about measurable progress because we haven’t been through our annual eye exam yet. However he is generally much happier. Still wears his glasses sometimes to give himself a break, but it is easier for him to participate in sports and he reads even more than he used to so there are noticeable differences in his lifestyle.
It has worked wonders for my now 15-year-old, who started them about three years ago after a steady worsening of the prescription. Very very little change to the severity of the myopia since starting the lenses.
Sometimes niceness isn’t nice. I am busy but being forced to go into the office this afternoon because my birthday was four weeks ago and someone made a cake for it last night.
Happy belated birthday?
Funny – I was thinking this morning how much I hate “nice.” It isn’t about brashness or having a big personality; it’s about considering the effects of one’s actions on other people.
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to. Suck it up, buttercup!
Obviously I am, but also . . . I don’t eat cake, and everyone knows this.
Your office sounds so passive aggressive! Wow.
I’d be annoyed about this too. Especially since it was sprung on you at the last minute.
I escaped kid travel sports but now we are in middle school regional orchestra and city orchestra. It’s just a few weekends vs forever (gulp, I hope). Wish us well. During the pandemic, I wished for in-person kid activities. Now, they are here in spaces.
I am sorry your children are infringing upon your personal time.
Rude!
So is whining because your child’s one intensive activity is going to take up–oh, the horror–a couple of her weekends.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one with this reaction.
All-state honor orchestras and youth orchestras are some of the most amazing experiences a musical kid can have, and in many places you have to get into the regional or district ensemble in order to audition for all-state. It’s worth the hassle.
That said, I commiserate. My high school senior has a bunch of choral performances that conflict with the rehearsals for the premiere of a new piece I’m supposed to be performing as a member of our city’s symphony chorus, and I’ll likely have to bow out for this concert cycle. I am super bummed because I love the piece and I love singing on the big stage with the professional orchestra for a paying audience. We make these sacrifices for our kids because our moms made them for us. I never really appreciated my mom’s driving all over the state for my music stuff in high school, or her routinely making the 6-hour round trip to see me perform in college, until I had a kid of my own.
Has anyone had luck pushing back on a fertility practice that will only implant one embryo at a time when you’re doing IVF? I’m 40 and fortunately was able to get a bunch of healthy embryos from my first IVF cycle. DH and I have always wanted more than one child but I feel like I’m already on the upper end of the age range and pushing college years into retirement, I really don’t want to have another baby at ~43. Twins seem like the ideal middle ground. My fertility center says as a matter of policy they only implant one embryo at a time unless you’ve had 3+ unsuccessful implantations because they want to avoid multiples. But I WANT multiples. (Three would be fine too if one of the embryos splits). Our reason for needing IVF has nothing to do with me or my health, my numbers look more like I’m 30 than 40. When the doctor first told us the policy I didn’t really push back, at the time it could’ve been a moot point anyway, but now that we’re getting ready to schedule the transfer I wonder if another conversation might be worthwhile?
I think there are very, very good reasons for this policy. Yes, there are healthy twins born every day and better results for pre-term babies but I know two families with IVF twins and one twin in each family (the smaller one) has ongoing serious health issues that likely would not have arisen in a singleton birth. There is more and more research that clearly demonstrates that the twins and the mother suffer more harmful outcomes vs. singleton pregnancies.
This, plus pregnancy at 40 is not pregnancy at 30. Placentas don’t develop as well, which increases the risk of pre-term delivery or low birth weight. You’re doubling up on those risks by trying for twins at 40.
+1 there are good reasons for this policy. Twin pregnancies have a lot of risk for both mother and babies.
OMG of course they’re not going to let you do this! This risks of bad outcomes for you and your potential embryos/fetuses are so much higher. It’s standard practice to only transfer 1 unless there are medical reasons and you’re going to be very hard pressed to find a clinic that will do that for you.
i mean maybe you can go to africa to that fertility practice who implanted two in a 70 year old woman…but a reputable practice would implant 1. it is not just because they dont want twins, but there are additional risks/potential complications. many many people give birth to healthy twins (or triplets), but many do not. if your practice agreed to implant twins willy nilly you should run and fast because i’d have trouble trusting their judgment
Seeking out a multiples pregnancy is a terrible idea – it’s automatically a high risk pregnancy and twins are frequently born preterm with all associated risks of complications. Many twins turn out totally fine, but some don’t. I can’t imagine actively wanting to take on that risk. I had to undergo fertility treatments to ovulate that increased my risk of twins and it took me an entire year to get comfortable with the idea of doing anything that could potentially cause a twin pregnancy.
so a reputable fertility practice will implant two when warranted – if you have certain fertility conditions, have had multiple miscarriages, etc. i know someone who had twins via ivf, singleton via ivf and again now twins via ivf and she must’ve somehow convinced her doctor for this second set of twins because it otherwise doesn’t really make sense. i have twins conceived not through IVF, but IUI (though also who knows as twins also run in my family) and i’m not sure you really understand what you are writing – “three would be fine too” — carrying triplets is really really hard on you physically, can lead to complications for the babies and for you, etc. especially given your age and being a first time parent to triplets is also really hard. (i have a good friend who is a triplet). the goal of a fertility practice is and should be to help you produce a healthy baby with a healthy mom. given your age you are already higher risk for certain conditions and with a multiples pregnancy you’d be even higher risk. trust the doctor!
oh and as a mom to twins, i always say that triplet moms are my heroes. i don’t know how they survive the infant/toddler years. if your first pregnancy goes well, you can always try again as soon as you are cleared medically
This is how I as a singleton mom think of twin moms!
I feel that I’m in a unique position to comment because I terminated spontaneous twins recently (discussed on the moms page at that time) in large part due to the risks. If this is something you feel prepared to take on, I think you should discuss it with your doctor, but also, really think about it – it’s not just a fast and easy way to have two kids. Are you prepared for a preterm delivery? How’s your family support? Do you live close to an academic medical center? There’s a lot to think about it and it’s very hard. Only you can answer what’s right for you.
When did you post? I’m curious to go back and read. Twins run hard core in my family, and it’s something I’m curious about as we TTC.
Three weeks ago – search doesn’t work well for me over there so it might be tricky for me to find it again. Twins do not run in my family and it was a major shock. This whole experience is still pretty raw.
Thanks for answering, I hope you feel better soon <3
I agree with prior posters that there are good reasons for this policy. I also want to say that I really, really empathize with your thought process and, in fact, I recognize it because I had similar inclinations as I prepped for my own embryo transfer at age 39. Ultimately I had a singleton pregnancy with a baby who was “slow to transition to extrauterine life” and he ended up spending the first 12ish hours of his life in NICU mostly so they could observe his breathing very closely and make sure he did okay. That gave me the tiniest peek into what I might have felt if he had been in a more complex medical situation and, ultimately, I am indescribably glad that that I followed the best available medical advice.
Does my family look the way my spouse and I always imagined it would? Not really. But honestly, neither do a lot of people’s, no matter how their children came along. Because IVF is grueling in so many ways, it feels like we should get more control over the outcomes than we do, but there’s so much about human reproduction that we just don’t know or understand. I was really fortunate that I was able to choose a RE practice that was honest with me about what we could/couldn’t know and that made recommendations that followed the most current medical science, so that I could give myself the best possible chance of building the family that was meant for me by allowing myself to trust their process. I want to encourage you to try to trust the “past self” who chose your doctors, as well as the doctors who are caring for you, and I am wishing you all the very best luck with your upcoming transfer.
I had a similarly short, but still excruciating, NICU experience with my second. He was there for 24 hours, and I was separated from him because I had preeclampsia with severe features and was bedridden on magnesium. Obviously, whether or not your child(ren) have a NICU stay is largely out of your control – but with twins it is more likely.
“Does my family look the way my spouse and I always imagined it would?”
Biggest lesson for me as an adult is how few people end up with the family they expected. I didn’t expect 3 kids under 3 when I was iffy on more than 1. My cousin didn’t expect 2 under 2 after 4 years of IVF to have her first. And my sister didn’t expect a ten year age gap, 4 miscarriages and a full term still birth between her two kids.
You’re doing IVF so you’re already more likely to have twins even if they implant only one embryo. The rates for identical twins are higher with IVF even when only one embryo is implanted. If they implant two then you could end up with triplets or quads.
There is significant variation in the level of risk associated with twins. I had the lowest risk kind (Di-Di fraternal twins without fertility interventions) and I still had to go in for weekly monitoring and ultrasounds in the last month. Mono-mono twins almost always go before term and require a LOT more monitoring to ensure safety for babies and mom.
Twins without fertility interventions are lower risk than those with fertility interventions. If you saw my body and the length of my torso you would be zero percent surprised that I went o 38 weeks. It still was WAY WAY harder on my body than a singleton pregnancy (based on my personal experience) and I was only 34. I’m in a twins mom group and what some of the moms went through on their pregnancies is not a easy two for one deal.
Can you ask if they would consider doing two after 2 failed implantations instead of 3? They might be willing to do that. I’m sure this policy isn’t popular with patients so it is very likely that there are strong reasons behind it.
Delivery for mono-mono twins is scheduled for 33-34 weeks and almost always by C-section. It’s no joke. There is also high risk and nonstop monitoring for the twins throughout the pregnancy.
My reply posted too soon. I was going to add that you are typically admitted to the hospital between weeks 24 and 28 for daily surveillance. If you’re in the U.S., good luck getting paid for that time.
Wait, what?! No. Reputable reproductive endocrinologists will not do this. Having twins is not the goal, and the possibility of having higher order multiples is actively avoided. You want one healthy baby at a time.
I think most people starting out with infertility treatments….people who have wanted a child for years….think about how cool having twins would be (“we could just do one pregnancy and get it over with”)….but know NOTHING about what a twin or higher order multiple pregnancy looks like.
Just get pregnant with one baby. In the meantime, if you need further deterrence, listen to the podcast “Beat Infertility,” and find the stories there about twin pregnancies that didn’t go well.
Everyone has already said everything I would have re: why your RE should not, and likely will not, agree to deviate from the SOP.
However, as someone who also needed IVF for nothing to do with me or my health and had “numbers that looked like a 26 year old egg donor” in my late 30s, per my RE, I only did single embryo transfers, and it was better than great. Having a baby at 40 and another at 43 has been amazing. I had great pregnancies. I had great recoveries. I love being a mom of two, and I love that I got to experience the joy of having a newborn separately for each of them. Yep, they’ll be in college when I’m retired = hooray, I’ll get to visit them whenever I want!
No. Also I’m sorry you’re just wrong. This is dangerous, twins are not a good goal, and you’re clearly at a good clinic.
As somebody in the throes of infertility, I want a baby so badly that I will do whatever it takes to maximize my chances at a LC and minimize risk. It is truly incomprehensible to me to take on so much unnecessary risk just for perceived convenience.
Hugs and best wishes to you.
In case you’re still reading, my sister did exactly what you’re thinking about – on purpose IVF twins at a very reputable clinic. So I don’t think it’s outrageous to think about or look into. There may well be solid reasons not to that others have mentioned, but I’d still get a second opinion.
Help me brainstorm cooking or baking projects!
One of my resolutions this year was to do more ambitious cooking/baking projects – you know the kinds that can take a weekend afternoon (or two) to make.
On my list – mostly Taiwanese foods that I grew up eating but never thought to make myself – bao, turnip cakes (lo bo gao), and dumplings from scratch.
I think the most ambitious thing I’ve made in the past were croissants.
What was the most ambitious thing you’ve cooked or baked, which was worth it? Or what is on your list of “want to try to make”? It doesn’t have to be something that I would even want to put into a regular rotation, just a mountain to scale just once. Savory or sweet – looking for all things. Links or resources welcome!
Cook’s illustrated beef Wellington is a great (albeit expensive) project recipe.
https://www.americastestkitchen.com/cooksillustrated/articles/2618-mastering-beef-wellington
I was given the GBBO cookbook as a gift and the recipes were way too complicated for me. Maybe that will have what you’re looking for?
Dessert Person by Claire Saffitz has a lot of complicated recipes I haven’t been brave enough to try yet.
Making pasta is a good project!
A couple of winters ago my husband and I started having Pie Sunday, where we’d make some kind of pot pie/tart/quiche thing on Sundays and it was really lovely. Maybe not quite as ambitious as you’re looking for, though, even if you’re making the pastry.
I made bao and it was fun, I need to have another go. When I was a kid, my nana and I made fortune cookies and dumplings. I like the all day foccacia as well.
I draw the line at laminating dough – I leave that to the professionals at the bakery in the neighbouring village.
I love cooking projects! Re: Taiwanese food, my top three were pineapple cakes, scallion pancakes and beef noodle soup (where you make the noodles yourself)! Time intensive, but fun and definitely worth the effort! I like ciao kitchen on Youtube for Taiwanese bread recipes. Xiaogaojie also has great savory recipes including videos for all 3 above.
Chocolate mousse and Tiramisu are a project in the sense that it gets ALL the dishes dirty, but at the same time it’s relatively failsafe and only takes 2-3 hours. Also lasagna.
I recently made German Christmas Stollen (dense fruit cake), which felt project-ish. Making your own candied citrus peel, soaking raisins in alcohol, long proving time for the dough, and waiting 1-2 weeks for the bread to ‘mature’.
That sounds super fun!
Somewhat ambitious to make but I thought worth it: Buche de noel, baklava, mozzarella, focaccia, totally diy smores:marshmallows, graham crackers, and a chocolate bark
Want to make: Russian honey cake or any type of crepe layer cake, gnocchi, macarons, baked alaska
It’s my goal to make croissants from scratch! Claire Saffitz (obsessed with her) has a recipe and a very helpful video through the NYT.
I’ve made a few family recipes that at the time were a stretch for me. My grandmas Danishes and creme brulee were both milestones, as were the family brioche buns. I love taking extra care for family or historic recipes, and I love making things from books.
In terms of food I was particularly proud of, it’s either to do with time or who I serve the food to – a simple pizza made for my dad is more important than the perfect bagels I made the same month. My most ambitious things are very banal, always to to with the temperature of meat or fish.
Ugh. How do you deal with a recurring meeting that makes you feel like crap and whether you even know how to do your job? Or makes you wonder how higher-ups can be so stupidly clueless about the work that’s going on beneath them? I feel like I need a stiff drink at 11 am after being with this crowd.
Can you block out some time after the meeting to re-set? Schedule an extra-long lunch?
Or do something after work – meet a friend for a drink, do a really hard workout class, etc.
Meeting bingo card + silently check off squares for each ridiculous BS comment you hear.
Observe like an anthropologist
+1000
Low stakes question – my work laptop charger is a Macbook Pro braided cord. My lipstick exploded in my purse and got on the white cord. Any ideas on how to get rid of the quite obvious, dark burgundy stain? I’ve tried Shout wipes and micellar water to no avail.
Dish soap?
Maybe try Oxyclean?
Mr. Clean sponge thing.
Soft scrub?
No recommendations on cleaning but if it doesn’t work, can I make a pitch for “2+ laptop chargers” being my favorite <$100 life upgrade to recommend. 1 stays permanently at your desk or at home; 1 lives in your bag). If you can't get the stain out, relegate it to your least visible location
magic eraser!
Paint/lipstick the whole thing and make it on-purpose?
Any favorite resources for resume samples/ drafting tips? I have an up-to-date resume in that I update it every so often for myself, but I now actually want to send it out to a job I’m very interested in. I’m an attorney in private practice looking to go in house. The last time I applied for a job was like 15 years ago, so I feel very out of the loop on this.
Look at the resources at Ask a Manager. Not specific to attorneys but dcould be helpful.
And good luck with the job search!
For formatting, Etsy has great templates at pretty low cost. A new format really made my resume look more up-to-date.
Ask ChatGPT for input on a draft
Look at Lawyer Whisperer blog posts.
Ask a friend who is a lawyer to review. You should have in-house friends from law school and former colleagues who have made the switch. If you’re corporate, post a burner email and I’ll review!
AI-based services Teal and Earnbetter are also helpful.
Last, Billy Rusteen just launched myinhousecoach which looks fantastic. He’s great/I know him from Bay Area lawyer groups but not personally. check it out: https://www.myinhousecoach.com/courses/course