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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Shrunken Crew Cardigan

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A woman wearing a blue-and-white striped cardigan and dark blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

My teenage self always gets a little kick out of the fact that I’m 40+ and still shopping at Abercrombie from time to time. This cropped cardigan is just so cute that I couldn’t resist. The light blue stripes would pair beautifully with some high-waisted navy trousers for a fun spring look.

The sweater is $85 at Abercrombie and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. It also comes in a red stripe and three solid colors.

Sales of note for 4/24:

219 Comments

  1. Are scarves back in fashion? I keep seeing them on instagram but haven’t seen them in the wild yet

    1. i was thinking the same thing…. i think it’s because it’s still cold where i am, i think we’ll see them when people shed their coats

    2. There is a certain set of women in my city who follow fashion and trends. I suspect that I’ll see scarves more when I’m around a few of them (they tend to be younger women from two of the high-income suburbs near me). For the rest of the women I”m around, they won’t start wearing them until enough of their friends or daughters do that they get an itch to try it for themselves.

    3. I vote classic. With the caveat that there are people who will always look good with a scarf (silk or otherwise) and people like me, who will look like they are being worn by the scarf.

    4. I was recently at a NITA (lawyers) program in Chicago, and I saw several women wearing silk scarves. They looked great.

    6. I’ve always worn scarves because they look good on me – I have a very long neck. But yes, they are more stylish than usual at the moment.

    8. I’ve seen several trend videos on youtube that talk about scarves being back in. So I vote yes–especially since I like to wear them.

    9. I wear scarves fall through spring, usually for warmth but I have cute ones that I wear for style. Never stopped!

    10. It’s funny you should say that. I was just watching RHOBH while they were in Italy and one of them had a silk scarf and it hit me how fresh it looks. I haven’t seen that in awhile and it was just gorgeous.

  2. My uncle passed away recently, and I’d like to send my cousin (his daughter) something but not sure what. I don’t live in the same city so I can’t visit. She’s single, mid-50s. Flowers? A card with a note? Any other ideas?

    1. those are both lovely. this is definitely a though that counts kind of moment. you don’t mention if you are close or have shared memories…. if so i guess you could do something related to that but this isn’t a real gift giving occasion ….

        1. +2

          And share any positive memory you can about her father, or something nice your uncle ever said to you about your cousin, or something you respected/loved about him.

    3. When my parents passed, I really cherished the cards and notes I received where people shared memories of them and/or pics that were new to me. Even something as simple as, “I remember when your dad shared that you were accepted into X school, he was so proud!” And if she’s single without much other family, and you are open to it, consider inviting her to any holidays you host for which she would otherwise be alone.

      1. +1,000. Share any memories you have. And if you do have a lot, consider sending them to her over time. I have a cousin who continues to text me when something makes her think about my mom even though my mom died years ago. And I absolutely love it

    4. in my religion/culture (Jewish) it is common to make a donation in the deceased’s name which I have always found to be a nice gesture. otherwise people send food

    5. Spoonful of Comfort. So nice not to think about what’s for dinner in the haze after someone has passed.

    6. A card is always a good response. It’s a physical manifestation of your condolences.

  3. I’ve had hip alignment problems for years and when I see PT they just tell me to do exercises like the clam and hydrant. I thought getting stronger in general would help so I’ve been lifting heavy for 6 months now. Last week I tweaked something (gluteus medius?) and feel like I’m back where I started. What would you do? Ortho? Trainer? Online program from hip influencer? I’m at gym just stretching and doing dumb clams to try to keep the routine.

    1. Take this with a huge grain of salt, but: anytime I “lift heavy” for an extended period of time, this is the type of injury I end up with. Which means I’m not working out, which means my physical and mental health suffers, and I have to start over again. Some of us need to be more conservative with strength training, I think. I say this only because lifting heavy is such a mantra right now if you’re a woman of a certain age.

      1. It has been my experience that when I tweak something, it is because I did an exercise with poor form, and the fix has been doing that same exercise with proper form, guided by my trainer. YMMV.

      2. I don’t know that lifting heavy is the problem, it’s more of an issue of trying to up your weights too fast so you end up with less-than-perfect form. Having someone to check your form and increasing weight more slowly is a great way to resolve this. I always find PT useful, as long as it’s a half-decent PT, but they’re not the only solution.

        1. This. Form over weight, always. In addition to minimizing the risk of injury, lifting with proper form will give you a more effective workout even if you have to use a lighter weight. When you lift with poor form, you engage muscle groups other than those the exercise is targeting in order to “cheat” the weight up.

        2. OP here – I’m pretty sure that’s what did it. One day I didn’t have a lot of time to work out and said, ok, I’ll just do the first big exercises in my app and then get out of here… didn’t warm up… skipped the first set of squats because I saw that the hip thrust machine was free so decided to do that first. and increased weight to 75 from the 65 I’d been doing before. so… yeah. dumb dumb dumb.

      3. Maybe try a different PT? Had a similar issue- the first PT told me to do the clamshells/ hip bridges and that didn’t help. I changed to a different practice, where the PT did low level laser on the inflamed area which was hugely beneficial, plus a different set of exercises that have had wonderful results. Lesson I learned was that there is a variation in quality of PT practices just like most medical specialties. A practice that offers technologies, not just home programs, might be the solution.

    2. I’ve had a similar issue. Also my glutes don’t fire easily so my hamstrings and back end up taking on most of the work which causes other issues. Doing hip bridges and glute thrusts, and honestly months of work trying to engage my glutes has helped.

      In terms of injuries, it turns out it’s pretty common to have this happen after starting a strength training program because your tendons don’t catch up as fast. I heard this on a recent podcast and it was a lightbulb for me. Check out the Better with Dr. Stephanie podcast, episode is called The Lifting Heavy Trap.

      1. i’ll check it out! do we have “dead butt syndrome”? i do minimal warmup but the ones i do are supposed to wake up the glutes… (leg swings forward and side and hip openers where you raise a knee and swing it to the side)

    3. Manual therapy, whatever insurance covers or comes highly recommended near me. Somebody has to put it back where it goes first, or the exercises are futile for me.

    4. If you haven’t yet, I’d look for (ask around at your gym for recs maybe?), an “athletic” PT rather than a general PT (they may or may not call themselves something specific like a sports PT; but sometimes it’s just “people know this office is good for this”). Basically you want to find someone who focuses on strong people pushing their body; more than injured/older people recovering to a “can walk around” baseline.

      I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but any chance some non PT personal training focused on form, and maybe developing an overload-rest strategy for you would be beneficial?

      1. +1 to the first paragraph. I have had much better results in many fewer sessions with the PT practice at our local university medical center, which serves the school’s D1 athletes and is attached to a graduate program in PT. The neighborhood PT practices all seem geared towards maxing out insurance reimbursements by providing ineffective therapy to old people.

    6. But also, if PT and trainer for form aren’t enough, I think I’d start with your PCP and ask for a referral to ortho. For me, slight differences in leg length run in the family – not enough to see with a casual eye but enough for an ortho to identify. But the “solution” is still just greater attention to form & intentional strengthening (but if something like this is also true for you, a good PT will want to know and adjust exercises, so the ortho appointment is still worth it, even though they’re not going to “fix” it)

    7. Have you started with a sports medicine doctor/physiatrist – a doctor who prescribes PT – or just gone straight to a PT? If you haven’t actually seen an MD, I would start there.

      1. Yeah, start with someone who does sports medicine. They will refer you to someone who helps athletes fix problems.

    8. In addition to the recommendations to find a PT who specializes in sports recovery and improvement, you might also look at exercises that focus on the adjacent muscle around the hips.

      Clams and hydrant focus on the side and back muscles, but it sounds like you aren’t doing anything for the front.

      I do “dead bugs”, which is laying on your back, feet in the air with knees at a 90-degree angle. You slowly tap your toe to the mat, alternating, for 20 reps total (10 per side).

      The key is to focus on not using your abs or quads to do the raising and lowering, you want to feel the muscle that connects the top of your quads to the bottom of your hip flexor doing most of the work.

      I also work on lengthening this muscle, because it gets shorter and tighter when you spend most of the day sitting at a deck.

      If it’s short and tight, it’s harder to activate when you walk or lift, which means you end up getting out of balance with the other muscles around your hip.

      1. you’re definitely right, i should be doing dead bugs… until recently i was trying to do clam/MYRTL exercises and dead bug after every workout but I haven’t wanted to do it lately and honestly thought i was past it and had strengthened muscles enough that i didn’t need to bother with the dumb little ones.

    9. In addition to medical professionals, consider seeking out a local brick-and-mortar running store. Some stores dedicated to runners have staff who can look at your gait and see if different shoes might help. My local brick-and-mortar independent running store not only carries actual running shoes but also lots of orthopedic shoes. A lot of non-runners go there because the staff will actually look at gait and build and weight distribution.

    10. I’ve honestly had good experiences with influencer pt programs. I think they’re worth trying! And fwiw, working on internal rotation via exercises like b stance deadlifts made a huge difference with my hip issues.

  4. What is it like to work for a national lab in the current administration? I’m thinking of applying to a business ops / non-science role and don’t know much about the labs.

      1. As a fed, I can second this. Pre-January 2025 it was the BEST job I ever had. I have faith it will once again be the best job ever. Right now it’s not.

        1. I left federal employment. Post January 2025, it was an abusive relationship. Those who is used to work with tell me it still is.

      3. This is not true. I hate what the administration is doing and I hate being associated with them. But besides having to go to the office everyday, my day to day job has not meaningfully changed since 2024.

      4. I am enjoy my analytic fed job and haven’t had any meaningful changes since I started in 2022

    2. i know nothing but can’t imagine this is a good time for a real scientist to be going federal.

    3. So I don’t work in a federal lab but I work with federal labs. Lately they’ve been pulling out of all meetings and joint commitments and there are holds on research and publications, so I think things are not good.

      1. This really depends. My spouse works in a technical but non-scientist role at a federal lab and his group is still publishing.

        1. What sorts of projects does your husband work on? Defence?

          The labs I work with are environmental and ecological.

      2. It depends a lot on the agency and type of research. There isn’t a blanket answer that applies to all federal labs

    4. Aren’t the labs managed by contractors? I grew up in Los Alamos, and everyone who worked at the lab was either an employee of the University of California or Zia Corporation, which was formed to employ the maintenance crew. This was a long time ago, but many of my friends went to UC schools with in-state tuition because of that.

      Obviously the federal government is a shitshow right now, but I believe lab employees are somewhat shielded.

      1. I have a family member currently at Los Alamos, and they do work directly for the government (in a scientist role). I think that if you’re not working directly on renewables, it’s not as good as it was, but they are happy there (and have gotten additional funding/ grants since starting).

    6. Either you’re dealing with budget cuts and crazy political scrutiny OR you’re directly supporting the military. AKA it’s not great.

      1. I’d suggest against it. Can you go 6 weeks without a paycheck but with ethics restrictions on side gigs? Re-read the threads from a year ago about the absolute glee many posters felt about fed jobs being illegally terminated. Can you let that roll off you as you work overtime for years due to hiring freezes? As a non scientist you will have no public protection, for example, there is some hesitation about eliminating scientist positions (and those are very narrowly defined to exclude many scientists) but not non scientists who are considered by this administration to be bureaucratic bloat. Pre 2025 there were many advantages to offset many roles being underpaid compared to private counterparts due to the job stability.

        1. Because national lab employees work for government contractors we are not impacted by government shutdowns the same way federal employees are.

          1. Many employees at national labs work directly for the government. One of my friends does.

          2. This is not universally true. The national lab near me – where family members worked for years – had all government employees doing the research and major roles.

    7. Which national lab? I’m a scientist at a DOE lab. As others have said, I’m not a government employee and work for a government contractor. I believe that is the case for nearly everyone who works here. My feeling is that my job would be very different from yours, but my lab, at least, can be a fun place to work. Scientists are a fairly international bunch, which I enjoy. Look at benefits too. We have a great retirement match and good vacation package. Also, because we work for government contractors, the impact of government shutdowns is limited. They keep warning us that if a shutdown extends too long we will close temporarily, but it hasn’t happened yet.

  5. Can anyone recommend a fragrance for spring? I’m looking for a crowd pleaser and I don’t trust my nose. Something modern and light. I know Santal 33 is extremely popular but it smells like weed to me. I know I’m in the extreme minority on that, just saying to give you a sense of how “off” my nose is. I like Jo Malone grapefruit and wore it for years but it feels kinda…dated? I also liked killians love don’t be shy but it’s kind of infamously hated and now I really don’t trust myself. My bestie wears black opium and I absolutely love it but I can’t steal her signature. My husband has zero opinion and can’t smell anything I wear.

    I work from home and limit it to one spray. I fully understand people are anti scent for work but it’s not an issue here. I’m fully homebound except for outdoor exercise and picking up my kid, also outdoors. :)

    1. Perhaps Annick Goutal Paris “Eau de Hadrien”? It’s a classic that is light and citrus-y without smelling like cleaning products, which is my complaint on most lemon forward scents. Like you I wore Jo Malone’s Grapefruit for years. I keep coming back to Eau de Hadrien.

      1. Also check out Annick Goutal’s Le Temps des Reves – it features neroli and orange blossom. It is unisex and will be really nice to wear this spring and summer.
        I use Fragrancenet a lot to get samples of perfumes that i can’t find to smell in store easily, or that arent carried by Luckyscent etc. Create and account for free and you get really good deals.
        You can also use your fav AI engine to ask for recommendations, put in what you love and what you dont like and why, and what you want to try, and they are pretty good about determining which are worth paying for samples and which probably wouldnt be a match based on notes and accords that work for you.

    3. i’m not disagreeing at all but i’m intrigued about the idea of a scent being dated. i can see a scent feeling dated if it reminds you of a different time (like if someone was wearing Drakkar i might feel like i was back in college)

      1. It’s weird. I’m fine with my middle age. But when I was young I was really into fashion and beauty and culture that felt older. I wanted to feel timeless and sophisticated. As I age, I’m realizing I want to feel current and fresh and of the moment. I don’t want be or look younger so much as I want to stay moored to the moment so that time doesn’t blur together? I’ve admired that brand and scent since I couldn’t afford it, wore it for years, and now I just want something new. It’s coming from a place of curiosity and trying to stay engaged. Basically the same feeling of exploration that led me to look backwards now leads me to look around at what’s current.

    5. If you like Jo Malone, try Wood Sage & Sea Salt. Or check out Lake & Skye 11:11. It’s a very modern, clean-smelling musk.

    6. Try LuckyScent.com— they have brick and mortar stores in LA, NY & are opening one somewhere else on the East Coast. They have boutique scents, and can give advice and send samples.
      Alternatively, Nordstrom is great about giving samples. Take your time, scent is so personal, try out some different scents.

    7. I’m mostly just impressed that you want perfume that only you will presumably smell since I can almost never smell my own perfume after a week or so!

  6. i’m 50, probably a size 8. what do you wear out to dinner on a weekend which is somewhere between real housewife and dowager? like a dressy top with jeans but what top?

    3. Go for the maxi dress. As comfy as what you’re thinking, couldn’t be easier, and looks way more polished.

    4. I like trouser jeans and a silk blouse unbuttoned JUST far enough. Channeling a modern Katharine Hepburn.

    5. I am almost 50 and an 8/10. I don’t love jeans on me but when I wear them I do things like a lacey bodysuit and velvet blazer (did that for a date night over Xmas), but usually I wear a dress. I have a forest green deep v bodycon sweater dress I wore a lot last year and two slim fit/ verging on bodycon The Fold dresses, style Giverny, which is not currently available. I can wear these to dates, Brew pub birthday parties, funerals, work, you name it. They are the most versatile thing I own. They are plain, classic, heavy knit, three quarter length sleeve, boatneck, below the knee. I have worn with a jean jacket and over the knee Frye boots, heels and a blazer etc. They fit amazingly well and looks expensive and classic. Specifically, tops I would wear would be like the Sezane crossover blouse (Quince has a version).

    6. Probably silk pants and a sleeveless vest with a little lace peeking out next weekend. Last week I wore a black mixed media maxi dress that looked like knit top over a fuller skirt. The week before it was black jeans and a sheer black turtleneck with snakeskin sling back flats. I’m trying not to default to jeans and a cute top. It’s feeling a little stale to me.

      1. Oh I also got way too much use out of a pair of faux leather burgundy pants this winter. It wasn’t a tight cut and slightly cropped, Paired them with simple knit tops or blouses. Considering a bone colored pair for early spring. Might be cute with neutral and pastel knits.

          1. They were from old navy of all places. I think they were marketed as straight leg.

  7. Continue Job A –
    * private practice. partner. 15 years out of school, I’m 41, no kids/no plan for kids. I inherited about 50% of my work, I have brought in 30%, I get random projects from others for the rest. I started off very general but am now mostly focusing on a niche advisory area (developed after the pandemic). I am busy enough now that one of our new lawyers this fall will be 50% assigned to my group so I can develop someone. No guaranteed comp. I keep about 45% of what I collect, end up making about 300k before taxes. I like most of my work and clients, I get annoyed with law firm life sometimes, but it’s overall fine – I don’t hate it as many seem to. Feels like I have job security as I am basically un-fireable as a partner but pf course there’s risk that my practice area will dry up eventually. I am bored a lot, though, as my area is fairly repetitive. In ~5 years, my firm will have a major transition due to aging partners and I believe we will lose business when they leave/die. (We’ll retain some, but not all.) We are not planning well for that as a firm and I don’t have the control to change it. So I expect some lean years ahead, and stress.

    Take Job B –
    * in house. AGC role on a team of 5. Current client. GC and I have worked together 10+ years, she knows I have a general background and her team has asked me general questions for years. I know all their in-house team, most of their C-suite, and about 75-100 others at the company. Pay is TBD but likely about the same salary (maybe 280) plus benefits (which I cover out of pocket now). Highly male-dominated industry but legal team is mostly women and I believe well-respected. They asked me if I’d consider it 3 years ago when my area was heating up and I declined as I didn’t want the risk of a sale/being laid off. That’s still a risk, though I have no information that’s happening.

    Same commute. Same cost of living. Probably a bit more travel with Job B but would be fully paid. What questions should I ask GC? What would you do?

    1. What’s the upward trajectory of job B? Are there other companies near you that you can move to if something with that company doesn’t work or if the only way to get promoted to GC is to move?

      If you stay at A, are there other firms you could take your business to if something with your firm goes sideways? Would you stay afloat even if the rest of the firm tanks, or would the comp structure change so that you would be paying for everyone else?

    3. Take B.

      Also, ask B in the interview how they are planning for changing technology/AI.

    4. B. I was at a firm with no succession plan 7 year ago and, you know what, we lost so many clients. SO many clients. I wish I had acted on my instinct that it was going to be a bigger problem than anyone would let us believe. It caused client loss and disruption to internal processes and procedures (and knowledge) that were already frustrating.

      B, no question whatsoever.

    5. I was in a very similar position, even with respect to compensation, and I went in-house 6 years ago. I haven’t regretted it at all. I find the in-house work more interesting in that I enjoy the closer involvement with the business. My former firm did lose multiple senior partners to retirement and other opportunities after I left, and I was glad not to participate in the reconfiguration for which there had been little advance planning.

    6. I would choose B, but I think it really depends on how much in-house life appeals to you. Not sure if you were OP but there was a thread on in-house considerations yesterday afternoon with some good things to think about. Because you already know this company and its legal department and leadership you’re already hedging against some risks. Assuming you like what you already know, I’d say take it. You don’t know what the inhouse market will look like in 5 years if you decide you want or need to change, and at some point you start to get expensive or long in the tooth for positions below GC level. Inhouse comp is highly dependent on company and industry but 280 seems pretty good.

    7. You’ve worked with the folks at Job B for a while. That should give you a good sense of what this job would be like and is worth its weight in gold. If you are right about salary, the comp is a wash to an increase because of company-paid benefits.

    8. I was an associate but did the equivalent of Job B – had worked extensively with them from the firm. Going in-house when you know the client that well already is a lot, lot, lot easier than going in just from a relatively cold start. You come in already having goodwill. 100% recommend.

    9. Easily B. I’ve worked at firms and in-house, and I prefer in-house so much more. It’s way more challenging, varied and fun. So long as there’s a legal _team_, you control your time far more so than being at a firm where clients tell you to jump. You will not regret going in-house, IME. It’s such an unlock if you are restless at a firm.

    10. Seriously consider B. Think of it this way – now YOU will be the client, telling the outside counsel law firm to jump. And if/when the transition occurs with your (now-former) firm, you or your colleagues in-house have the luxury of retaining that firm’s services or going with another firm. Good luck!

  8. In your recent experience(s), what clothing or accessories brands have fallen off in terms of quality, and which (if any) have improved?

    1. To be honest, I don’t know any brands that have improved in quality.

      There are brands I still rate, but most clothing brands seem to be part of the race to the bottom. The smell of cheap fabric and fabric finishes is a depression part of going into most stores.

    2. everything is worse, nothing is better. franco sarto shoes (used to be leather) j crew (cashmere sucks, no better than anywhere else)

      1. J Crew is so disappointing now. Almost nothing is 100% natural fibers and when it is, its so thin.

        1. I barely shop there anymore…the quality is low, the cuts are weird, they stopped carrying talls in very many sizes…and they strongly jumped on the cropped/see-thru/baggy pants bandwagon over the past 2 years.

          They have completely lost the preppy, classic thread over the past 5 years or so.

    3. Victoria Secret. They used to have decent quality bras and underwear if you steered clear of the bombshell line. Now the underwire is stiff and the fabrics are scratchy. I haven’t been able to find a replacement brand that I like. I know people here love Natori but they make my chest look weird and I haven’t been impressed with the quality.

    4. Here is my hot take. Most people don’t know how to assess quality nor do laundry.

      To the question at hand there are very few brands with good quality across the board (Eileen Fisher, Judith & Charles, max mara, akris) generally brands have good pieces and bad pieces and you have to assess on a piece by piece basis, things like seams, whether fabric is cut on grain, fabric composition etc, all of this is much easier to look at in person.

      1. I hear you, but people can definitely tell if the self same product that they used to be happy with is garbage now.

      3. And when things have shifted so heavily towards ecommerce, assessing quality piece by piece is unrealistic much of the time. Like it’s kind of absurd that you can’t even rely on a brand’s reputation or your recent past experience with that brand and need special skills to assess each piece.

    5. I still have an Ann Taylor suit from 2004. It’s amazing how the quality isn’t available anywhere for under $1,000. (Sure, it was a $300 suit back then, but one would think that technological advances would have kept some of the cost under control.)

    6. It’s hit or miss. I do best when I look at fiber content and assess seams and feel of fabric (thickness mainly). If a pattern doesn’t line up properly, that’s usually a tell of poor workmanship as well.

      I have some skin allergies to a type of rubber component, so for a while I was searching for summer dresses that were all cotton. I inadvertently discovered that you don’t need to pay Eileen Fisher prices. Lots of great options from Walmart even. I also like the brand SugarLips. And I often search by “cotton poplin.”

    7. The only clothing company in aware of that has had quality improve is a small business I enjoy for some casual fun clothes. Maya Kern. She switched manufacturers a couple years ago and the quality has improved. Unfortunately, they also changed the sizing so it doesn’t quite work for me anymore.

    8. For bedding, both Garnet Hill and the Company Store now suck. Anything I’ve bought within the last two years already has holes, whereas the stuff I have from 20+ years ago still looks great.

  9. I’m traveling to Europe with my 11 year old. We are flying into a city and then will be taking trains to two other places. Will it be easier to take two carry on size suitcases or one check in size? When kid was smaller we traveled with one carry on or the check in size but only to one destination. We can’t fit into one carry on for this trip. Kid can manage carry on plus their backpack but can’t carry it up and down train stairs. I’m a little worried the check in size will be too big to manage on European trains. No other adult is coming.

    1. Check-in size is a pita on UK intercity trains because there’s never enough luggage space and what there is may be at the end of the carriage if you worry about keeping an eye on your stuff (I do). Check-in size can go overhead which is a lot easier. But other countries may have more civilised train luggage arrangements. You may get better specific answers on a subreddit or other forum for travelling in the country or countries you’re visiting.

        1. Sure, if you say so. I’m very well-travelled by train in the UK and my observations there are accurate, if possibly overly embittered by my regular route in and out of London which is Avanti (iykyk). My experience travelling by train in Europe is limited (other than Italy, where I spent several months – trains there are pretty good and I’m jealous of the double deckers which we still don’t have here). Which is exactly what my post said.

          Meanwhile, your post reads as American.

          1. Not American! And I live a block away from my nearest urban train (or tube, subway, underground, whatever your vernacular is) station

        2. Not the person you replied to, but she has absolutely nailed the problem with UK trains – very accurate!

          I have had seven UK train journeys with heavy luggage the last week. 😊

    2. For me, large (carry-on size) backpack is *so* much easier to manage than a (rolling?) check in; and also much easier to carry across a train station than a big duffel. So regardless of the number & size, that’s what I’d optimize for!

      That said, if I *am* pulling a roller or carrying a duffel, I’d rather it be one big one than two medium sized ones (assuming the weight of one-big is still manageable for you on stairs/curbs/etc). Less to keep track of.

    3. Two smaller ones will be easier if you have to lift luggage to overhead shelves on the train.
      They are easier to fit between rows as well. It’s easier to carry up and down stairs on the station if you can manage one in each hand.

      Can you find a trainspotter video or pictures of likely train layouts, and see what kind of lifts you need to do?

    4. I’d do carryon because what if your single checked bag is delayed? Or one carryon that your kid can carry, with at least your first few days’ of stuff in it, plus the checked.

      1. We split our belongings 50-50 between each suitcase for this reason. If a checked bag gets delayed or lost someone isn’t completely screwed.

        1. Oh for sure. Even when we do carry-on we split our stuff up in case of unexpected gate-check catastrophe.

          We also try to pack by trip leg, like if we’re abroad for 10-11 days and have 3 3-4 night stays, the carryon will have leg #1 stuff in it, and then the checked bag will have the other two legs in their own packing cubes. Some stuff ends up being used multiple times of course but like for a trip where it was part relaxing beach and part historical touring, I didn’t have to rumple up the conservative church attire to get at my swimsuits.

    5. you don’t mention how long you’re going for but if traveling by train i would do two carryon on sized rolling bags. no question.

    6. No question two of the smallest carry-ons into which you can fit your stuff. You can always carry one in each hand up the train stairs if need be. Be ruthless about your packing. As Rick Steeves says “nobody ever travels and wishes they packed more stuff.” We did 3 UK/Europe stops with two adults, two kids aged 6 and 10 and lots of trains and they both had their own small pack and carry-on. Highly recommend.

      1. I travel frequently and always wish I had packed more stuff. It helps me enjoy my destinations to have what I need

        1. I always wish I had more room for the stuff I did pack. The carry-on only thing results in overstuffed luggage, which is a pain to deal with.

    7. Two carry-ons, no question. I’ve done a lot of solo travel in Europe with my 8 year old and we always take two carry-ons. She manages her own carry-on fine and has for a couple yeas now, except I might take it at the airport after the red-eye flight from the US when she’s totally groggy and out of it. Train stations normally have escalators or ramps so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

    8. Where in Europe?

      Last summer, my cheaper train tickets in France only allowed for carry-on, which went beneath my generous-size seat (plus a school-size backpack that could fit on a rack overhead). It was really nice to pay less and not worry about my all my stuff stowed at the end of the car in a checked bag.

      Make sure you have the right size carry-on bags! Standard American carry-on bags are a bit too big to qualify as carry-on for most European airlines and trains.

    9. I would do one carry-on, and one carry-on sized backpack. You can have a small purse or a small “travel bag” you keep next to you on trains. Kid can have their backpack. Then you can handle carrying and pulling everything if need be. I would not do a larger suitcase–co-sign that becomes quite tricky on Euro trains.

  10. Help – I need to bring appetizers to a party for women in their 40s and 50s tonight. I want it to be easy to make and also not need to be kept warm to taste good. I can swing by the grocery store or Trader Joe’s after work. Any suggestions?

    1. How many people?

      Cheese, crackers and sausages are a trader joes go-to for me
      Or baguettes + fig jam + brie
      Or the kale-yogurt dip + pita chips & vegetables (either works as your dipper, which is nice if you have people who want a choice between more veggie heavy vs more substantial)

    2. Whipped ricotta (just ricotta and olive oil and if you want, herbs in the food processor) topped with TJ’s bruschetta and crackers/bread for the dip.

    4. Ina Gartens’s smoked salmon dip. You can either use regular smoked salmon or the canned lightly smoked salmon at TJ’s. Serve with their rye chips and sliced cucumber for dipping.

      1. This has been one of my top three for two decades and never gets old. People love it.

    6. Okay, Trader Joe’s is your girl here. I would do a chacuterie-ish spread. Your leading contenders: Chicken Salad (Curried is what I would pick) and endive leaves. Scoop a little chicken salad into the endive cups. Cheeses and assorted crackers/sliced apples/cracker delivery systems. I’d go with the rosemary hard cheese, a brie, and unexpected cheddar. Add the autumn crisp grapes and you’re good!

      1. Curried chicken salad on endive is a great idea and I am going to steal it.

        I’m not as big of a fan of TJ’s frozen prepared appetizers – they tend to run kind of fatty-salty-heavy IMHO – plus they don’t tend to taste good at room temp. Exceptions made for the veggie samosas, which I adore, and would be great with some yogurt or hummus + veggies.

    7. Can you get to a Whole Foods? If you cut off the top of a harbison cheese and serve it like dip with crackers you’ll be greeted like a hero. Baring that, Trader Joe’s has a Brie dip that my friends can’t get enough of.

    8. A bag of kettle-cooked potato chips plus Heluva Good! Bacon and Horseradish dip

    9. Can of white beans, drained, mashed up with a LIGHT sprinkling of thyme and garlic powder, and three tablespoons of good, fruity olive oil, plus salt and pepper. Serve as a bean dip/spread with small crackers.

  11. For those of you who have had chemo or a family member undergoing chemo, what have you done when they go home after having an infusion? They may vomit or have GI distress. Launder bedding daily and separately? Also towels and soiled items? And clothes? And bathroom after using?

    What if you have a septic system and use well water? Switch to bottled water?

    And then all this for a week or so after each time?

    Patient is elderly and lives with an elderly spouse.

    1. If they have a septic system it needs to be cleaned out waaaaay more frequently than normal and you need to disclose to the cleaning company it’s contaminated.

    2. There are plastic pads you can put on the bed which feel really soft on one side so comfortable to lie on. Those are life savers and save a lot of laundry. Also adult diapers. If the gastro issues are that bad, these are really helpful.

      1. Do these items go in the general trash (and then to a landfill and then into the groundwater)? Or do you need to take them to some sort of medical waste incinerator? I imagine that hospital waste is in a different waste stream than typical household waste for good reasons.

          1. Chemotherapy drugs are themselves carcinogens, no?

            Baby diaper contents are . . . largely not carcinogens.

            I know when we camp we have to put waste so far from water sources and I assume that septic systems and wells are spaced out for that. IDK how that changes when you add chemo into the mix of the discharge. I know my parents who have both septic and well water don’t use bleach because it kills the bacteria in the septic tank that break down waste.

          2. They should not go in the regular trash because those pads would absorb the chemo and be dangerous

        2. The pads that go on the bed are washable. The adult diapers go in the trash like baby diapers.

        3. My husband had chemo for colorectal cancer and no doctor ever said that his feces had carcinogens that had to be specially disposed of. People poop during chemo and it goes the same place as everyone else’s poop!

          1. I was told to wear gloves to clean anything when our dog had chemo and to not have him go in common spaces other dogs used because of chemo carcinogens. So I can see where some people might leap to the conclusions here (we were able to throw the items used to clean in the trash though).

    3. No – none of this. Where did you get the idea that you need to do this?

      Have they started chemo already?

      If the are having vomiting, then the chemo nurses/doctor are failing you and your loved one needs better pre-medications (given before/during the chemo infusion day) to prevent nausea, and good meds at home to take. We would have my Mom immediately start taking Zofran every 8 hours after a chemo treatment if it was one that we knew gave her trouble, and multiple medicines were given during the chemo day to help nausea. Similarly, there are some chemos that can be associated with diarrhea, and again there are things the nurses can do to modify the risk that this is an issue. Every chemo day should be a thorough discussion with the chemo nurse about what happened after the last treatment so the next goes smoother.

      No we did not launder bedding daily. Honestly I don’t think there was ever a bedroom accident, but there was once one at chemo (ugh) and may have just thrown her soiled clothes away. We kept a clean set of clothes (T shirt, sweat pants) in the car at all times after that. We did have those great absorbent, very large pads that were cotton on one side and a water proof backing on the other that could be placed in bed, on top of the fitted sheet under your loved one, if you are worried. Then those can be laundered separately as needed. If they were very soiled, I might wash them separately. We did not separate any clothes, or clean the bathroom any special way unless it became visibly soiled after GI distress.

  12. what are you wearing on your feet right now? boots feel heavy, not quite ready for no socks… specifically with jeans or black pants (this is related to the post about what to wear out for dinner)

    1. street sneakers mostly. Or modern ballet flats with a cute hose-weight sock (like swiss dot).

    2. still wearing ankle booties but am feeling like I need a change for the season. I have platform loafers that have worked with lots of my outfits so far

      1. Big-soled loafers? Or more classic hard-soled Weejuns? I feel like I have a pair and the rubber sole is almost too gigantic. Is there a good elegant minimalist loafer (or is that the Weejun)?

    4. Suede sandals, specifically the Camera sandal from Aerosoles. It’s 70ish where I live most days right now and I’m wearing suede sandals and cotton or cotton and cashmere sweaters. Sandals + sweaters season is my favorite clothing season.

  13. Yesterday there was a thread about great things spouses had done recently. I have to post one about my elderly dad, who just took my car for its emissions test, got my city registration sticker, refilled my oil, and washed my car — all because he “had time, so it’s no problem.” I give him so much credit for demonstrating to me what love looks like and what to look for in a supportive spouse.

    1. I am so jealous. There is no one in my life who has ever loved me that much. Even as a kid my parents pretty much noped out at about 11 when I could feed myself and take transit.

    2. My DH is not a big grand gestures guy. However, I am more moved by acts of service, and on that front, he delivers all the time. It doesn’t “look” romantic, but I feel loved and taken care of.

    3. That is so wonderful. My dad regularly picks up my kids from daycare and whenever I tell him how much I appreciate it, he genuinely shares how much it means to him.

    4. I love this and agree that those gestures matter. In the now-infamous “pregnant woman wants husband to fill his gas tank and he won’t” thread, it seemed like a lot of people were really resistant to doing nice things for someone or putting them at ease “just because.” I’m here to report that doing something “just because” goes so, so far towards making someone feel loved.

      1. Ooo wait that was me, I didn’t know I was infamous! I’m recently back to work and I didn’t check in here while I was on leave. TLDR I guess he put gas in his truck, I was too anxious going to the hospital to look at the gauge. We didn’t stop on the way there.

        Ironically, I forgot to take out cash to pay the night nanny and tip the doula so we had to stop on our way home. DH had a bad headache after being in the hospital for over 5 days so he was in a bad mood when we were leaving. I asked him to use the drive through ATM but it was a tight turn in his truck; he got frustrated and gave up and parked in the parking lot. Then he was too tired and headachy to walk across the parking lot and up a couple of steps to the ATM so I did it. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was to go up steps three days after an (unplanned/emergency) c-section! But DH thought that last day in the hospital was unnecessary so I should be pretty healed up. I really should have told him to go home that last day so he could’ve rested and been in a better mood to take us home, his bad mood was my fault because I didn’t let him know it would be ok for him to go. Writing all this out sounds kind of bad. I swear he’s not actually a monster! He loves me and the baby in his own way.

        1. You know, that is what lots of people said about my neglectful father – that he “loved me in his own way.” Didn’t make the crap he pulled any less damaging.

        2. I really hope this isn’t real. I’m very sorry if this is true. He was too tired after YOU gave birth?? Oh h*ll no. Every woman deserves better than that.

          1. Yeah, this was a disturbing update. There is no world in which a woman who has had an emergency C is better equipped to go to the ATM than a man who is a little grumpy.

        3. I’m way late to this thread and I don’t think I’ve ever commented on one of these “bad husband” threads before but the sentence where you said his bad mood was your fault rang an alarm bell for me. You had just given birth. You should not be blaming yourself for an adult’s bad mood.

        4. His own way of loving you sounds pretty awful, no matter how hard you try to excuse it. You’ve just given birth and all he does is complain?! Wow.

        7. Girl, I really hope you are able to escape this abuse, and see that is is in fact abuse.

        8. Literally what is wrong with your husband? Are you leaving out the part where he’s struggling with a profoundly disabling chronic disease or something? Because even in that scenario, you’d be making too many excuses for him. I hope this is fake.

        9. Please read this, and then read it again, and imagine your baby came to you and described their spouse treating them this way. yes, when you write it all out it sounds bad because it is, in fact, really, really, really bad.

          I want to be flip, but in all seriousness, this is really, really, really bad. And I don’t jump to the “abuse” line quickly, but damn, girl. you in danger.

        14. Oof! I’m so sorry — this is awful. Story from my own family: When my parents got home from the hospital after I was born, my dad went out and got food for HIMSELF ONLY, leaving my just-had-an-unplanned-c-section mom alone and crying tears of hurt and hunger. She never got over it and neither did the marriage. And guess what? He was a totally disengaged father for the rest of his life.

    5. My grandfather died about fifteen years ago. In the days before he passed away, I took his car in for an oil change and a wash. I touched up the paint on the fenders. I also paid all of his bills (collected mail, wrote out checks, had him sign them). He never got out of the hospital to enjoy it, but I’m glad I did it anyway.

    6. my dad was not involved with me at all as a kid and is a truly magical grandpa. my kids adore him, he goes to games, covered vacation and sick days when they were younger….

    7. Not exactly the same thing but I’ve been missing my grandpa lately, or the idea of him (since he died when I was too young to really remember him on an individual level). He started off as a laborer before WWII and dealt with his father being randomly murdered in a robbery and went on to become a very successful businessman and principal in his own firm. He did so much for our family and passed down so many great hobbies – fishing, skiing, camping. Somehow, my baby looks like him and I just feel so sad that he’s not here to see the family go on.

    8. I got home from the gym this a.m. (we take turns going early morning before kids are up) and got right in the shower, and when I got out, my husband had made me my protein smoothie and put it on my vanity ready for me to drink while I did my hair and makeup.

    10. My dad is like this too and it has set the bar so high for a partner :)

      His dad wasn’t bad father, but he also wasn’t a good one so it’s extra sweet how kind and caring my dad is!

  14. Is anyone else SO sick of hearing about AI in social contexts? I don’t need to hear how great everyone thinks it is and how much more efficient it’s going to be and how easy it will be to replace my job, how useless I really am. I don’t want to get into debates about climate impact and water use. I see enough of all that stuff at work. I don’t want to talk about it with family and friends but people are bringing it up all the time.

    1. This sounds like a nightmare. People who aren’t being weirdly propagandized mostly hate AI.

    3. I am also tired of AI as a conversation topic.

      Rarely do the people who bring it up have anything interesting to say about. Nor do they tend to be open to considering when a human would be better (for example, an LLM is not an adequate substitute for human mental health professionals, especially for someone who is severely mentally ill).

      1. To me it’s less that they’re not adequate and more that they’re dangerous and harmful for someone that vulnerable to engage with!

    4. it is difficult for me to imagine a social context where AI would come up. like continually.

      1. 95% of the time, it starts off with someone asking “how’s work going, is your work affected by AI?” I change the subject whenever I can but it is very frequent.

          1. A field that is getting affected by AI (with coworkers who are downright gleeful for the short-term time savings) and I don’t need a reminder of how precarious my job is when I’m just trying to diassociate from that for a while.

    5. Anyone talking gleefully about how you’ll be out of work is a jerk. Maybe they can replace you with a chatbot friend too. Because you don’t need this.

    6. I am also surprised that this isn’t coming up for more people. I’m also sick of talking about it on a social context but I am also in tech and pretty heavily involved in AI-first work, so some of my weariness is from folks in my social circle making comments from just completely different angles. I work to just tune it out.

      1. I wonder how much of this is industry and region specific. Like, I could see it coming up often among a group of tech workers in the Bay Area. But it basically never comes up among my friends on the east coast.

      2. Yeah, same – I’d say my circles are pretty evenly divided on positive/negative feelings but it’s top of mind for everyone!
        (Is it affecting your work/what tools work well/don’t work well/are we about to be obsoleted/what rules are you setting for your kids/would you use it for XYZ/etc). I can totally see someone needing a break from constant ai conversation but it’s like covid talk in April 2020 – you’re probably going to have to ask for that break explicitly because it’s so top of mind it’s just going to naturally be the topic of conversation unless you ask for a change

    7. I am also sick of it. A friend of my husband’s is obsessed with generative AI – he makes art, clothes, etc. with it and despite being pretty socially conscious is totally nonplussed by the ethical concerns with gen AI. He shows it off to us expecting that we’ll ooh and ahh. He also loves to talk about how it’s going to take my job — and SOON. I am a lawyer with 15 YOE. He knows nothing about law practice.

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