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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Side Slit Supersoft Turtleneck Sweater

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Turtleneck sweaters seem to be having a moment after a couple of years of not being all that cool, which I'm happy to see. This supersoft one from J.Crew is well reviewed, and I like that it's a mix of nylon, merino wool, alpaca, and elastane, which means it's hand washable. It looks like a great, relaxed sweater that you can dress up, and I like the longer cuffs on it, too. You could do a slight tuck with a pencil skirt for a more sleek look, or wear it untucked with ankle pants for a more relaxed look. The sweater is available at Nordstrom for $55.65 (30% off of $79.50) in five colors, and at J.Crew for $79.50 in 11 (!) colors. (Right now at J.Crew, you can get 20% off of two select full-price styles, 30% off three, and 40% off four.) The size range is XXXS –3X, but the XXXS size is sold out at both stores. Side Slit Supersoft Turtleneck Sweater Psst: Nordstrom can still get you something by Christmas Eve (including this sweater!) if you order by noon today!  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

207 Comments

  1. Thank you so much to everyone for the kind and supportive comments on my post yesterday about my kitty. Thankfully, I have a positive update!

    She has had issues with severe constipation to the point of needing medical intervention. She had been doing fine for a couple of weeks, but I was worried the past couple of days that she was having issues again. The concern is that even with medication, her intestines are not working properly. I took her to the vet yesterday fully prepared to have an end of life discussion.

    About an hour before we left, I noticed she had used the litter box so that gave me a little hope that maybe the issue was not too severe. The vet examined her and said her colon is soft and there is no impacted stool like she had felt before. She showed me and my husband how to palpate her abdomen so we can monitor her health at home. Kitty is very skinny but she has maintained her weight since the last appointment. She doesn’t eat much on her own so I feed her through an esophageal feeding tube and that has greatly helped. Her blood work and urinalysis also look good.

    I know we will have face a tough decision sometime in the future, but I’m so relieved she is doing well for now.

    Thanks again to everyone for the positive comments and for sharing your experiences. I read through them multiple times and they really helped me yesterday.

    2. You know her best, and please trust that I say this with so so much kindness: if she requires feeding through an esophageal tube because she’s not eating then it may be time to say good-bye even if her other physical issues are not under control.

      1. I concur, but only to the extent that if her other issues are reasonably well controlled, she otherwise acts normal (good energy not in pain), and by “esophageal tube” you mean a squirt feeder towards the back of her mouth. Plenty of animals have to be hand fed due to some issue. But if she literally has an open tube in her throat for feeding…it may be time to let her go.

        1. It’s a tube that goes into the side of her neck down the esophagus to the opening of her stomach. She is still able to eat and drink on her own. I had never heard of this device before and I discussed the pros/cons with the vet before getting the e-tube. She was going under anesthesia anyway for the first time to remove the impacted stool and that is when they placed the tube.

          I’m very glad I’ve gotten her the feeding tube. It takes away the stress of trying to feed her the prescription kidney diet food and it’s very easy to administer medications. I was clear with the vet that I didn’t want to feed her this way just to keep her alive. Her other issues are well controlled and her quality of life is still good, which is most important to me.

      2. I understand what you’re saying. She initially got the feeding tube because she was on antibiotics for a kidney infection that caused a decrease in her appetite. I was clear with the vet that I didn’t want to just prolong her life unnecessarily and I wasn’t sure about the e-tube at first. However, it is a supplemental tool to help her gain some weight while she recovers from this intestinal issue. She will eat and drink some on her own, but I’m able to use the e-tube to give her special kidney diet food that is not very appetizing on it’s own. It’s also used to administer medications. The vet and I agree that she is overall stable, not in pain or discomfort and still has a good quality of life.

      3. I am happy for you for now, but remember, thing’s can change very quickly with an old kittie (or doggie), so be ready for that hard conversation with the vet at any time. In the meantime, enjoy your time with your kittie. YAY!!!

  2. I’ve noticed several colleagues have started carrying nice backpacks in place of the typical tote bags and I’d like to try it out. Any recommendations? It would need to fit a 15” laptop and a few other things but doesn’t need to be huge. Would like to spend under $150 since I’m not totally sure it’ll work for me, but want it to be nice and functional. Thanks!

    1. I use a Timbuk2 bag when I’ve got my laptop and I love it. I went with a bit brighter colour but my husband has a more subtle black one. I remember when I made the switch and I felt like I could go anywhere (rather than listing to one side).

    2. Knomo should be right at this budget if you catch it on sale.
      They look very sleek and are a go to for women consultants who don’t want to splurge on a Tumi.

    4. ebags professional slim backpack. It is very organized and stays flat so you don’t look like a turtle. I’ve used mine for almost two years and it looks as good as new.

      1. I second this one. I adore mine for daily use (plus it has a trolley strap to go over my carryon when I travel for work). I’m 5’4″ and I don’t look like a turtle or kindergartener going to school while using it. The pockets are amazing, and it can carry two laptops if needed.

    5. My husband has been carrying a Swiss Gear laptop backpack for 2-3 years now (same one) and it looks pristine. The walking part of his commute is ~1 mile and he says it’s comfortable. Multiple styles available on Am’zon (some in person at my local Target, too, if you want to try one on), generally well under <$100 so not a huge outlay .

    6. I bought this Samsonite one a few months back to try out using a backpack while on short business trips- I hate trying to juggle everything through an airport. Anyway, what I expected to only use for travel days has turned into my everyday bag. I have become a big fan of a backpack for work.

      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/samsonite-mens-kombi-16-small-backpack?ID=5225931&CategoryID=20559&swatchColor=Black%2Fbrown#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D160%26ruleId%3D78%7CBOOST%20ATTRIBUTE%7CBOOST%20SAVED%20SET%26searchPass%3DmatchNone%26slotId%3D9

    7. I have a gray Aer back pack that has all of the pockets and get compliments all of the time.

    9. I have the Lo & Sons backpack and I love it for looking very clean/simple on the outside and having some organization on the inside.

    10. I like my Everlane one. The nylon one – the canvas picks up massive amounts of lint.

  3. Does anyone else sometimes wish they were single? Im so tired off my husband. He’s a great guy but i just want to be left alone, with my cats and not worrry about cooking and feeling guilty about not being a good enough wife.

    1. What would happen if you stopped cooking and worrying about being a good enough wife?

      2. Agreed. If I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t! If my husband doesn’t care about making dinner, why should I? I mean sure, sometimes we do plan ahead and one of us will cook, but there are definitely days where nobody cooks and we each do our own thing exactly like when we were single. I know maybe you feel like you *should* be doing things, but make yourself do nothing for a few nights and see what happens.

      3. Yes, this.

        I bet a million dollars he’s not worrying about being a good enough husband.

        Take a break from all those expectations you’re putting on yourself, OP, and see what happens.

    2. Yep, all the time. Honestly, I don’t love my husband any more, but we get along fine. I think about getting divorced, but I don’t have enough money. I would love to just move out and leave the house to him but he wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage on his own. And it seems like a huge undertaking to sell the house, move, etc etc.

      Why do you feel guilty about not being a good enough wife? Is your husband hinting that you’re not?

      1. Are you me? I feel the same way. It’s not like he’s a bad guy or even a bad husband; I just don’t love him anymore. We’re great friends and decent roommates. At the same time, we would need a lot of work done on our house to sell it and neither of us could afford it on our own so I feel like I can’t leave. The house needs to be fixed up anyway, so my plan is to make a decision when the house is sellable about whether I want to stay or not.

        1. This was me. We ended up divorcing, and I must say that my life is a million times better now.

    3. Not in that sense, but I do wish my spouse were a more equal partner and (more importantly) parent.

      I envy my divorced friends SOLELY in that their exes have to generally solo parent one night a week and every other weekend. [And to be very clear — they all have hard lives; I do not wish for that or find our situations comparable.] My spouse is such a slacker that there is major drama any time I work late or travel (and our kids are 8 and 10, so hardly needy, but those snacks don’t pack themselves; those bedsheets don’t change themselves; if it is my house, it is always MY job; honestly, I have to outlive him b/c if I were to become an invalid, I’d probably be in my own filth to the point of getting nasty infected sores).

      So I am LEANING OUT. And TRAVELING MORE in the new year and keeping my phone on silent. If he has an emergency, he can leave a message or (g-d forbid) figure it out like I’ve had to do.

      1. Wow – so relieved to hear I’m not the only one who envies my divorced friend in that precise way. :)

      2. Given what a smart and impressive group of baller women you all are, I’m continually amazed at the amount of BS you all put with when it comes to your partners.

        1. I think people put their foot down at MIStreatment. It’s such a different creature when it’s mere laziness / inaction.

          I know the tide has turned on Louis CK but he was so right that so much of what husbands default to is “incompetent assistant wife.”

          I am sure we were all optimists at the altar. In my dream world, my husband and I have adjoining cottages on a large family compound by the sea.

          1. My husband was a divorced dad when we started dating, so he had mastered overnights and solo weekends. Still claims helplessness when it came to our own actual kids. I figure, if stepkid survived to adulthood, I can let husband struggle again.

        2. We’re socialized to want to do this stuff. I love cooking and decorating and I sort of want to be a stay at home mom, but I have an awesome career and can’t do all that stuff and work. I can’t have it all, and I’m the breadwinner anyway. I can’t quit my job because my husband doesn’t make enough, which is totally fine. If I had more time in the day I’d totally do it all and everything would be delicious and picture perfect, but I had to give up and accept that I had to choose. My husband isn’t the greatest cook but eh. It’s nice to have spare time. Maybe when I retire.

        3. Yes!! Like the woman who was getting the silent treatment from her husband for not working out (???) or the woman below who gets home at 6:30 pm and her husband doesn’t even attempt to make dinner? Y’all are too good for this BS, ladies. Expect more.

      3. I always think about this when my friends tell me they want a divorce but don’t want to be a single mom. Like dude your husband’s a loser. You’re basically a single mom anyway. If you got a divorce then at least you’d get a little bit of a break. And frankly your workload would decrease because you wouldn’t be taking care of him too.

      4. When I was first divorced my divorced friends and I called the weekends off “the hidden upside” of divorce.

      5. Kids that age are old enough to change their own sheets and pack their own snacks. I don’t understand parents who act like servants to their children. Don’t people assign chores at all any more?

        1. Ha! My kids’ chores are all laundry-related.

          In the summer, our camp schedule changed weekly and needs a spreadsheet re whether these are items are needed daily / sporadically/ not at all in a given week:
          reusable water bottle
          sunscreen (stick only? squeeze container?)
          bathing suit
          towel
          lunch in labeled container
          one snack
          second snack
          waivers / special permission slips
          booster seat for field trips (when they were younger)

          Bonus drama if there is any carpooling (ups schedule complexity if camp is planned in January and work travel is sprung on you the week before; benefit is driving less but with more stops)

          Need sister wife

    4. I adore my husband but the every day care and feeding of a family can be a drag – I cook, he cleans but it’s just all the thinking. I sometimes miss those cereal for dinner single days.

      1. I feel the same way sometimes. Love my husband and we have a good life together, but I often miss the freedom of only being responsible for myself.

        1. I’m only engaged at this point (we’ve lived together for two years, though), and I agree with this. I love him and we have a great life, but sometimes I wish I only had to consider myself and my own preferences.

          1. This is why as hard as work travel is, it is easier in that I only have one person to take care of and to tidy up my own messes (which are truly minimal). It is very white knuckle being out of the office, b/c if you are visiting client A onsite then client B will have drama, but without work travel, husband would have developed no child care skills at all, ever (this is a stark contrast to younger co-workers who have spouses taking a month of parental leave (during which they usually pump or stop nursing except morning/night), so they have competent solo spouses from the beginning)).

          2. My husband taking two months of paternity leave (I went back to work five months after the baby was born) was the best thing that happened for all of us.

      3. Yep, it’s all the thinking. My husband cooks but asks me every evening “What should we have for dinner?” because I’m the one who’s supposed to know what ingredients we have and think of something that can be made with those ingredients within whatever time constraints we have that day.

        1. 90% of the time I get home before my SO, but the 10% has been solved by a nice big whiteboard that says exactly what we’re having for dinner. I would be meal planning anyway, so it’s a nice fringe benefit. House rule is that he has to use the big-picture ingredients on the whiteboard, but can prepare them any way he wants.

      4. I am married with teens and I will tell you this – your kids will not die if they have cereal or ramen or a sandwich or kraft Mac n cheese for dinner. They might prefer it, honestly.

        1. Yeah when my husband traveled for work my son and I would sometimes eat Kraft Mac n Cheese or what we called “cardboard pizza” from the grocery store. Fond memories!

        2. Agreed. I proudly fed my 10 year old and myself cereal last night. He loves that we do “meals” like this because at his father’s house, mealtime is more traditional. Want to guess who’s happier? Spoiler. It’s me :)

      6. You know cereal for dinner is a family winner. Everyone will be on board and I guarantee the kids will want seconds. Heck you can even make it a tradition–like Friday night we have cereal for dinner and watch an old 80/ 90s movie–hello Ferris Bueller…Don’t overthink this stuff. Kids love cereal, ramen etc…if you want to have college dinner night–just do it!

    5. Apart from your husband and marriage, do you feel happy and energetic in general? Or does this feeling of wanting to be left alone and guilt about not being good enough come up in other areas of life as well?

    6. Me me me! I am the bread winner and by virtue of our careers there are many week days where he is off, and then I come home and the house is a mess and dinner isn’t made and I get very resentful. This is why we have cats and not children though. I don’t want to ever take care of anyone, and my husband is enough of a burden.

    7. Nope. I enjoy the peace and quiet (and eating bread & cheese for dinner) when he’s out of town, but I never actually think “I wish I were single.”

      1. this is it for me. I love when I get a break from him and I love to gripe about him in my head, but I never actually wish I was single and he brings more joy to my life than any actual negatives.

      2. Same. When my husband and son were away and I was alone at home for several days, I was just lonely. A few hours is great, but I missed them much sooner than I thought.

      3. This is me too. I love spending time with my husband, but also I really love when he’s traveling for work and I get the house to myself for a few nights (no kids yet, fwiw)

    8. I don’t wish I were single again, but I definitely relate to being tired off my husband (sometimes) and wanting to be left alone, and the worrying about cooking and feeling guilty. What’s helped me is consciously taking time for myself to be alone – he has a group of friends he sees most Thursdays, so that’s my night to be “single” again and do whatever I want. I will also opt out of parties that are mostly his friends (especially this time of year, I’m going to only about half of the parties he was invited to, he’s much more extroverted than me).

      I’ve also consciously decided not to feel guilty about a lot of things. This is hard! But, he’s an adult and if he’s not satisfied with the food I’m having, he’s capable of fending for himself. I make an effort to cook enough to have leftovers, but if he doesn’t like it, too bad (I won’t make things I know he hates, but he’s a much better cook than me and sometimes I have kitchen fails. It’s rarely BAD and never unsafe, just sometimes it’s NOT GOOD or very plain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Same thing with parts of the upkeep of the house (we have a cleaner which helps an enormous amount); if something bothers me, I deal with it. If it doesn’t bother me, he can deal with it. It’s a very lassez-faire style of compromise and I think it works because we both have our own space in the house to retreat to, but it helps with the guilt.

      N.B. Two cats, no kids. The no kids probably helps a lot too.

    9. I don’t wish I were single, but I sometimes wish I had had the opportunity to live alone before message because it seems empowering. I often rely on my husband to do stuff I don’t care about or am not good at (such as setting up the wireless network) and I think I have some learned helplessness going on.

      I also find that I am more lazy with him than I would be in my own and that can be frustrating, but it’s also something I need to work on myself instead of blaming on him.

    10. No. I enjoy indulging in “secret single behavior” when my husband has a business trip / event after work, but the thought of life without him can actually bring me to tears. His parents did a good job teaching him how to contribute — with minimal emotional labor on my part — to the household duties, too.

      1. This is me and my husband. I miss him when he’s away for a weekend/days at a time, but when he’s out with friends on a Friday night and I’ve had a long week, I love nothing more than my bread and cheese no cook dinner and watching my recorded CW tv shows. My husband’s mom passed away when he was a teenager, so my husband and his dad had to figure out how to take a care of a house (and themselves). Based on what family friends have shared with me, it was really rough for a while, but they both figured it out, and my husband is significantly better at the “roommate”/running a household part of marriage than the spouses of many of my friends as a result.

        In fact, what a lot of what women mention here about emotional labor/choosing not do something (“he doesn’t like what you’re making for dinner? tough, he can figure it out” / “make him do his own laundry” type stuff) that’s exactly what gets pulled on me. I didn’t like how my husband was doing my laundry, so he stopped doing it. He told me he was actively choosing not to remember which jeans can go in the dryer vs. which need to air dry. Because I care, I have to do it. Same with dishes. I don’t like the way he loads the dishwasher, so he just rinses stuff and leaves it in the sink and I’ll put them in the dishwasher and away. Sure I grumble about it from time to time, but he’s made dinner, he’s done the rest of the laundry, and our house runs pretty smoothly.

    11. This is a great thread and I somehow identify with every.single.comment.and commenter. How is that possible. We are complex being and good relationships are hard and worth it.

    12. I’m newly married and this is so interesting. I’m a homebody introvert who married a homebody introvert, and both of us lived alone for a long time before getting married and moving in together. Sometimes I want to kick him out of the house for a few hours because I’ve either been at work or with him for a week straight (and he does need a hobby but that’s another discussion), but my memories of living alone are fresh enough that it’s easy to remember how much it could suck to come home to an empty house or go to bed alone when I really wanted companionship. And last night we were laughing like kids over a stupid game we came up with about whispering funny-sounding words in each other’s ears. It was hilarious and ridiculous, and if I’d been living alone it would have just been another night of watching Netflix and not laughing cause I know the jokes by heart.

      1. Thanks for all the comments, we are all complex creatures and there are dimensions to it all. I put in a longer comment below, didn’t end up in the right thread but I’ll think about the “what would happen” advise but also, sometimes just venting and pity parties help too. I say this with love, this sites community has plenty of type A, no nonsense, independent and clever women and its always nice to hear one is not alone -the occasional partner frustration is real not just for me. Thanks guys.

        1. I was having coffee with another very feminist friend earlier this week. We both have partners who want to do their share, and put in work around the house, and value our careers, and respect us and view us as full equals in our partnerships. And yet we both also had frustrations with our partners around emotional labor, and unequal chore distributions, and and and. To paraphrase her response: “Let’s talk about how toxic gender roles are. Because we both have basically the best option available. We don’t have man-children. We have partners who don’t see us as housemaids or the only person in the house who knows how to change a diaper. Our partners know how to cook and clean and do their part. And we STILL get frustrated about chores and have problems with emotional labor.”

          I think some negotiation around a changing milieu of gender roles is part of life as a straight woman right now. And there’s compromise and negotiation in any relationship. So, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          1. The problem is that all work that used to be “women’s work” remains “unpaid work.”

    13. On the cooking issue, batch cooking on the weekends has been a game changer for me. I generally make 3 large things and we just rotate during the week. I’ve now become efficient at it and can do everything in about 3 hours. I listen to podcasts while cooking and find it quite relaxing. The only thing I cook during the week is roasting some veggies for the kids’ dinner. It’s wonderful coming home knowing that I can put dinner on the table in 5 minutes and that I don’t have to deal with a bunch of dishes to clean after.

      I can’t deal with cooking on a daily basis and working full time and taking care of the kids (my husband travels during this week). Maybe something to consider.

      1. What types of food are you batch cooking? I’d love to do this but not sure what works best with reheating besides soups and chili. Curious what kinds of dishes you are making in volume. (I know this isn’t relevant to the discussion, sorry!)

        1. I’m not the person you’re responding to but I also do this.

          I usually make a protein to use with salads, burrito bowls, etc. for the first half of the week. Chicken thighs and ground beef/turkey work great for this. I make a soup/chili/stew to freeze for the end of the week. Lately I’ve been a little lax on the diet and I keep an easy-to-prep meal in the fridge for midweek – something that will keep but I don’t have to put a lot of thought into.

          I also make all my breakfasts. Breakfast burritos and cheese/sausage muffins freeze pretty well. I’ve frozen quiches/egg casseroles and they’re fine if you’re not too picky. I’ve recently started making Kodiak pancakes – they’re higher in protein than normal pancakes – and I’ve really enjoyed them. I haven’t tried to freeze them yet but I think they’d be ok. Oatmeal is another good one – I love steel cut oats in the crock pot.

          1. Thanks! This is great. I’m looking to streamline meals more and these are good options.

        2. This: Baked Kibbeh: https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/baked-kibbeh-107351
          We substitute beef for the lamb. Filling is grass-fed beef; bulgur mixture is 90% lean ground beef. Serve with plain yogurt with dill.

          There’s a healthy cookbook called “Love Real Food,” with good salads that you can make in quantity and eat through the week. See cookieandkate dot com

          A vegetable kugle (one example: https://www.thespruceeats.com/vegetarian-vegetable-kugel-pareve-2122500) may also work.

        3. Lsw — I don’t know how helpful this is because I cook almost exclusively Indian food, but I batch cook various bean dishes (chole,rajma, black eyed peas, etc.) and lentil dishes (dal makhani, tadka dal, etc). Sometimes I’ll also batch cook one big veggie dish like vegetable korma or a paneer/veggie dish. Then doing the week all I’m doing is putting on some rice in the instant pot or heating up some nan/chapati (which I buy from the store, no time for home made).

          If you don’t have anyone already, an Instant pot is very helpful for batch cooking.

    14. Honestly part of the reason I never intend to have kids is because I know I’d ultimately end up doing way more of the work than my husband and I just don’t want to (I mean, I’m also not overly fond of children in general). But there are plenty of nights where we just eat microwavable Trader Joe’s dinners because neither of us want to cook. So don’t feel like you have to cook.

      1. This is why I’m single and at 33 I’m seriously considering whether having children is even on the table. I absolutely do not want to end up doing all the work at home and it seems like….most men just suck!!! Are they even worth it? Finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack and I’m still looking.

      2. My husband is absolutely the most equal-partner husband I’ve ever known, and I am convinced it’s because he and his late wife of 27 years never had children. I feel like a lot of men start off with the best of intentions and then there’s something about the baby years that just gets it all skewed towards more traditional gender roles.

        1. I think they just don’t know what to do when there’s a baby involved, but new moms don’t really either. It seems like someone needs to step it up and it’s always the mother/wife.

          1. Yes. And the mom is on maternity leave and often breastfeeding, so she becomes the main parent somehow by default, and so it begins…

        2. I disagree with this. My husband does at least half the childcare and housework, and most of my friends’ husbands are very equal partners and parents. Maybe it’s a generational thing, but I don’t know any men in their late 20s or early 30s who think women are more capable or more responsible for changing diapers or cooking dinner or scheduling playdates than men. I don’t know any guy who’s had the “best of intentions” of taking care of his kids and then had it all go out the window after the baby was born (I do know a couple of a-holes who never intended to be equal partners, but it was pretty clear all along).

          My husband did take paternity leave after the end of my mat leave, which probably helped. But I was on mat leave for the first four months and he was an incredibly equal partner then (in fact, he did basically all the housework while working full-time, because I spent so much of my time nursing). Nursing an infant is an enormous amount of work, and my husband saw that and it made him do more in basically every other area, because he knew he couldn’t shoulder any of the nursing load.

          2. I’ve seen this too with young parents (cusp of millennial/Gen Z). I genuinely can’t tell which parent is doing more of the baby tasks, and the toddlers don’t seem to have a “default” parent to go to.

          3. I agree, among our many friend couples I only can think of one where the husband did very little (and now they are divorced, in large part because of this). These are all situations where both parents are working, upper middle class, highly educated, etc. In many ways my husband does more around the house than I do. And even when I was on maternity leave, my husband got up multiple times a night to change the baby, rock the baby, etc.

          4. Im so glad to hear this but unfortunately I don’t find this to be true in my circle. I’m the breadwinner and we always planned that my husband would be the “default parent” and hope that we’ll be able to financially swing him staying home at some point. We run into SO MANY roadblocks with this setup. Society is still set up where mom is the default. I find myself usually having to cross out “mom” with “first parent to contact” on forms because mom is always listed first. If we both weren’t 100% on the same page that he’s the primary caregiver, I can absolutely see how moms end up sliding into the default role.

            I also agree that if dads don’t have/take paternity leave and have to figure out the million day to day things, mom slides into default parent because mom is the one who by virtue of being home on maternity leave knows the baby’s schedule/needs/where things are located. If dad doesn’t frequently parent without mom around, he never learns this stuff because he knows he can just ask mom. That sets up a pattern that’s hard to cycle out of unless everyone’s actively working to make things equal. Add to the fact that human nature is to think you’re doing more, I think a lot of dads that do say 40% think they’re doing 50%, especially if they have friends who have wives that gladly take on 80% of this.

        3. I think this is spot on. I have no equality issues that every gripes about and a full partner in my husband, I think in large part because we aren’t parents.

      3. This can be fixed by your husband taking paternity leave. I took 3 months leave and my husband took 6 months, and the fav that he a) is able to complete all aspects of our child’s care without my instructions/cuing and b) knows how hard it is, has made us completely equal parents. I do a bit more of the kid organizing (ordering diapers when they’re on sale) and he does a bit more of the kid heavy lifting (carrying him around a mall), but I can truly say we are equal parents. We are not equal homemakers though, which is annoying. My solution is outsourcing because I cannot take on the task of undoing 20 years of his family and social programming.

        1. 100% I think the key to parental equality is equal parental leave. I’m from a state with paid mother AND father leave that most people take advantage of and I think it levels the playing field. My friends in states without this end up doing everything during their maternity leave, and then defaulting to doing everything even after they return to work. My husband was with me every sleepless night starting from the beginning and while we have different parenting styles (something I think a lot of women deal with by shutting out their partners), we have fairly equal roles in taking care of our daughter- which started from day 1 and continue now several years later.

    15. I am single and although I want a relationship the thought of giving up my freedom to just be alone is really, really hard for me. Even when I was married my ex-h traveled about 2/3 of the time so I had a lot of that unfettered alone time and I truly do love it.

      1. Unfettered alone time is absolutely one of the things I miss the most about being single. I love my wife and most of the time I 100% believe the whole is greater than the sum of its parts but man, sometimes I want to be able to turn on every light in the house and do something at 5:30AM without worrying about waking someone or not having to speak (or listen) to someone before noon if I don’t want to. She has had a few late nights at work recently and its been AWESOME. But after a couple of nights she skipped yoga to hang out with me and that was nice too.

      2. Yes that’s the one thing I miss. I begged off on a party Tuesday night so I could get some Christmas-y things done and it was just heavenly being alone in the house, which I almost never am any more!

    16. I’m in a good mood about my husband right now but we go through periods. He’s older than me but in many ways less mature. That can be fun when he’s playing with the kids but not so fun when I’m dealing with all of life’s stresses and he’s making jokes. On top of that, he has severely grumpy moods now and then that are super hard to live with.

      He is an equal partner around the house, though. I could not tolerate less than that. And to respond to some of the other commenters, how do you let the balance get so off? You need to be direct and firm – I am not your mommy, I am not your maid, and you are not supporting me financially. I expect you to do your half of parenting/housework/whatever. I know this makes me seem like the type A no nonsense person the commenter above was mentioning, but as they say, no one takes advantage of you without your permission. Just give it some thought.

    17. Not taking anything away from those who are miffed or worse with their husbands, but I had a Christmas Carol-type experience this month that renewed my gratitude for my husband and the work involved in maintaining a marriage. A relative is in hospice and being cared for by her husband. Although they have strong conservative viewpoints, they’ve adapted to her health conditions and he has gradually taken on more and more housework and care for their grandchild and my relative, more than he ever did when his own children were young.

      I went to visit them with my mother and while we were there my mother fell ill. I had to leave her behind for a few weeks to rehabilitate and recently traveled to bring her back home. The whole ordeal was incredibly emotionally draining in ways I did not expect and I am so grateful for my own husband caring for our house and our family while I was away so I could tend to my mother.

      I have so much more appreciation this holiday season for why we are social creatures and why we need each other. We all have our seasons of caring for someone and being cared for. I am thankful that my husband is the person that he is–even when I have to make the bed every night to crawl into it because they’re a tangled mess from his tossing and turning, even if our bedroom is currently full of piles of clean and dirty clothes–because I know I can count on him for the things that matter most to me.

      1. This is what I miss most in the wake of my divorce. My husband left me a year ago, and it has been a huge adjustment not having someone who can help in this way (or even do small things like take out the trash).

        There were times that I thought I wished I was single, and in the end I’m happier now than I was married, but it has been a very, very tough year, and there are still things (like this) that I’m sad about.

    18. I’m a single mother (by choice) and while it is hard sometimes and can be financially tough, I think your situation is tougher! Many of my married friends are also going through this.
      I hope you find peace or a good resolution in 2019.

  4. So, end of year etiquette question. I know that we’ve discussed many, many times what and how much to give to assistants for end of year presents/bonuses at large law firms. But for the first time this year, I find myself in the opposite position of having received a (very generous) gift card from the associate supervising the case I’m working on (I’m a contract attorney on the matter).

    So my question is, what do you do to say thank you for someone’s thank you present? Is this a thank you card kind of scenario?

    1. Personally, as a gift giver, I wouldn’t expect (or even really want) a thank you card in return. I imagine that you thanked them when they handed you an envelope, and that’s sufficient.

    2. If the gift was a thank you for your hard work, then I think a thank you card is unnecessary. A personal acknowedgment or email is sufficient in my view.

    4. Ideally, don’t do what my legal assistant did yesterday and announce to everyone in the vicinity that you love the gift giver and that they are your favorite attorney…and then hugged me for like, twenty seconds. She’s sort of…a lot.

      I don’t expect a thank you note for gifting down. A thank you at the time is welcome.

  5. I think its resentment building up, I have extremely long days as I leave the house at 5am and I’m not back until 6:30 at night, and I have to start cooking because he can’t, and after all chores I have about 30 mins “free” time (this includes showering and getting ready for the morning) until I have to go to bed to start all over. Yesterday he hinted at doing it once a week is not enough because we’re not 90…and I think that set me off. Also, I make 2.5 time as much money as him which have led me to pay for vacations etc while he nickel and dimes me for everything. Like, he will actually have me transfer him like 25 dollars if he bought something for the household. On the other hand I brought this up to my sister and she did not understand where I came from at all because she said he’s one of the best guys she ever met and I should be nothing but grateful and that he is trying his hardest. So now I’m still resentful but also guilt tripping myself for having these thoughts.

    1. Why can’t he start cooking, out of curiosity? Why isn’t he helping you with all the chores – or is he also busy all night?

    2. Oooooooofff. I feel you. You have no time for yourself, and it sucks so much. Hugs to you. I would ignore your sister for this one – you’re in this marriage, not her.

      Why can’t he learn to cook? He’s a grown man. You have a 13 hour workday. If anything, dinner should be ready when you get home.

    3. Oh no…. I’d be miserable and incredibly resentful too in that situation! I also wonder why he “can’t” cook – do you mean he just is a bad cook/doesn’t know how, or does he actually have some kind of disability where he truly can’t cook? If the former, I wonder if one of those blue apron type services would be helpful.

      What are his work hours like? I suppose if he works as much as you then I’d understand to some extent, but if he’s not also out of the house from 5am to 6:30pm then he’s got to pitch in more.

    4. Ignore your sister. She doesn’t have an equal voice here because she is not in the relationship.

      You need to get this figured out with your husband. Anyone can cook a box of pasta and a jar of sauce. My kids could do that from the time they were 10.

      You should not settle for less than an equal share of housework, “great guy” or not.

    5. Wait what? I know there are different approaches to money in relationships but I think when you’re married, not having the majority of your operating cash commingled is a tough way to be on the same team. That reminds me of the Joy Luck Club marriage scene. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have to say while I like alone time, my husband does too and we just give each other space to do that. We share household responsibilities too. I can’t imagine having the thoughts about him you’re having. Sounds like some individual or couples counseling would be in order and I’d start with figuring out how to be a team (it doesn’t involve Venmo).

    6. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I understand where you’re coming from. It’s totally understandable that you are feeling resentful and you should not feel guilty about feeling this way.

      Sorry, he’s not a great guy if he can’t help support you with all the household stuff.

      Are you able to sit down and have a conversation with him about these feelings? Would counseling help? Or do you just feel completely done and just want out?

      1. Yeah, if you are not past the point of no return I might use the hinting he did as an opportunity. ” Hey, I hear that you are disappointed about about how often we are gardening. Here are some barriers for me to wanting to do that (tired, resentful about division of labor/resources) , how can we work through that?”

        As an aside- I think you are a champ if you are dealing with all of the above and are still gardening once a week. That would be a huge turn off to me.

        I think what your sister may be referring too is that he seems like an earnest guy of good will and I think that is in fact something to be thankful for- but it doesn’t mean he can’t be “trying his best” more effectively and that you are not allowed to require things.

        Also something I have to remind myself all of the time is “It doesn’t matter how objectively good something/someone is, if it/they is/are not what I want.”

    7. i would be resentful too. this sounds beyond ridiculous to me. unless he is also out of the house for that many hours of the day he should be picking up a lot more slack around the house. i think you guys need to have a serious conversation about division of labor in your household. that financial stuff doesn’t make sense to me either. do you keep finances totally separate? do you pay equal parts of the rent/mortgage, etc? regarding cooking – what do you want for dinner? i’ve told my husband i do not feel like cooking so we can eat frozen meals for dinner. my issue is that sometimes his default is to get takeout and i do not think we should be spending $ on takeout all the time.

    8. I have straight up said to my husband “you want to me to garden more? Take chores off my to-do list without being asked.” Luckily he isn’t actually pushy about it or that would be dealbreaker for me. It sounds a lot better to be single than doing all the work and then getting blamed for not also being the perfect wife in that way too.

    9. Why are you married but penny counting each other instead of joint finances and acting as ateam?

      1. Poster here. Everyone has valid points and I appreciate the time you took to answer in an honest way. It’s all very helpful. I know my husband would be very hurt about this if he knew and I understand the communication should be better. I didn’t mean to demonize him, his hours are same sometime worse than mine (he has 2 jobs) and he does other house chores, the stereotypical man stuff. He seriously can’t cook, it’s all burnt and shit. If I don’t cook we end up with take out which to another poster’s point, just too much $. The financial aspect is another issue, I’ve seen in other threads the subject of dealing with income disparity – so a whole other debate). Although can’t imagine living without him I’m also starting to think we may just be better off if we go separate ways: he’ll get (debatable) more dinners and sex, I get to sleep alone with my cats. At this time we are just being petty roommates so I realize something needs to change.

    10. Barring disability, I just fundamentally don’t understand men who “can’t” cook. No one taught me to cook. I taught myself how to cook because I like to eat. That’s part of being a 20 something? I don’t understand how men just miss that? And even if they did miss it, ok time to learn. I don’t need you to roast a chicken every night but I need you to plan and prepare a reasonably healthful and filling* salad or something a few nights a week.

      *I legit had one guy say – ok I will make salad! And dump bagged lettuce onto the plate. With no toppings. No that’s not a salad that’s just arugula try again.

    11. If he is home and able bodied he can make dinner/do chores. EW don’t tolerate this abother second..

      Order a couple weeks of a meal delivery service any idiot can follow a recipe.

    12. my husband initially wasn’t much of a cook (this is me being generous). but blueapron helped him out a lot and he’s mastered a few basic skills that now translate to – he can make fried rice. we both work full-time (no commute/kids yet) but i got resentful that answering “what’s for dinner?” was always on me. i also didn’t like that my default setting was “i must make a homemade warm, delicious, and nutritious meal” and my husband’s was “i’ll order takeout”. it feels unfair and actually IS – when we visit my in-laws and they ask what we’ve been eating lately, there is definitely a difference between when we name interesting meals i’ve made vs saying “we’ve been busy/sick, we ordered thai all week”. i think if your husband is completely clueless/scared of the kitchen, things like blueapron are helpful b/c all the “materials” are provided along with instructions. my husband says i can cook like a chopped episode anytime in our kitchen (use mysterious fridge ingredients and come up with a decent/coherent meal) but that’s still beyond him. he does OK with a recipe and is getting more comfortable with on-the-fly substitutions (who knew you could sub spinach / kale/ any other green veggie?).
      as for your finances, do you have any shared/joint accounts/cards? we started out with baby steps, but by the time we got married we had 2 shared credit cards (1 for travel/food and 1 for everything else) which got paid out of our joint account. we each have a personal card for our personal spending but the joint card covers things like groceries, batteries, paper towels, etc. we have a policy of asking the other person if it’s over $100 (mostly b/c i go to homegoods and feel like we need to update our color palette each trip!) because apparently getting a new rug or painting isn’t a “necessity” in household expenses. but for the most part we’ll let the other person know (hey we need detergent, anything else you need from your amazon cart?).
      speaking for your husband on one item, i pay for my student loans and then my husband and i contribute jointly to household things. in reality, this means i make student loan payments and my husband supports 75% of our joint expenses even though we make somewhat similar amounts of money. my husband has also been in the workforce 4 years longer than me and his parents have historically maxed out their annual untaxed gift to him. so sometimes i’ll ask if he needs new underwear or something while i’m out shopping. it’ll be like $40. but also $40 is like 0.1% of what’s sitting in his bank account and it’s 10% of mine. so i feel kinda cheap but i’ll ask, hey can you pay me back for your new undies? i also have to shoulder a lot of my family with my “personal” (non-joint) income so it feels scary to me that i could “be broke” so easily. i’m not defending your husband basically charging you $25 for toilet paper that you both use, but maybe have a conversation about where that attitude of his is coming from.
      p.s. the whole world (aka my family, friends, and inner circle) thinks my husband is a saint. and he is so nice and so patient and so willing to say “YES” when i ask him to help. but i still NEED to ask him to help. it’s not in his nature (not yet anyway) to just step in and BE A PARTNER in our household. the emotional labor falls on me, which is hard.

  6. I have a work volunteer event coming up where I cannot wear jeans, but also need to be wearing comfortable shoes. I will be standing for 7-8 hours. I will also be just newly into my third trimester at that time so comfort is important.

    I am hoping not to buy new pants, and I have a pair of black ankle “dress” pants that are a mix between stretch and chino material. Therefore….any suggestions on shoes? I know practically a pair of tennis shoes is best, but my white runners will definitely look goofy. I am open to buying some cute athletic type shoes that I can wear in the future. Thanks in advance!

    1. I am so in love with my Ecco leather sneakers. They’re insanely comfortable and very stylish (I have them in black).

  7. I got a new ugly office sweater this morning at Target and I am super excited!! It is black and cabled and thick and warm.

    1. It’s so much nicer to read this way! I never realized how much I cared about serifs until now, but it’s the first think I noticed on here today. Love. It. :)

    5. I knew there was something making it easier to read. Couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Yeah for easier reading!

      1. I LOVE the black outlines around the first-level comments! Makes it so much easier to navigate!

    1. I think you should concentrate on how professional the bags are not whether or not they look like travel bags. You are traveling! Your clients know this and that sometimes you have to bring a bag into a meeting and set it in a corner because you just came from a plane or are leaving to a plane. It’s very very normal. Just pick the bag you like without a crazy print or bright color.

    3. Tumi is pretty standard in management consulting, but some styles are more suited for business meetings.
      The duffel looks like something you’d use overnight, to gym, stylish diaper bag.
      The tote is OK.
      Tumi has few more commuter styles that are more suited for the boardroom. Check the Joanne or the westport.

  10. My family was recently in a nasty car accident and fortunately, everyone in both cars walked away from the crash. The other party has sought an attorney to assist with their side, which is perfectly reasonable. Our insurance company informed us yesterday that the attorney has requested to know the dollar limits of our insurance policy. My knee jerk reaction was “Why would that matter?” and “No, I prefer not to disclose” but then I wonder if this is escalating to a point where I need to ensure I’m adequately protecting myself? Do I also need an attorney or is this just a normal part of the process and I should disclose the dollar limits? Any suggestions from someone who has been in this situation before are appreciated.

    In other news, I’m pretty sure Santa is bringing an umbrella insurance policy for Christmas.

    1. This is not normal. Your insurance company should be providing you a defense attorney.

    3. they’re asking because they want to make a “demand” for the full policy lol. It’s up to you whether you want to disclose or not, but really, it’s not a game changer if you do Consent to disclose the policy limits.

      it’s like when you hear on the news – “XYZ Demands $1 billionty in Huge Lawsuit!” except at the end of the day the case settles for $100k or whatever.

      sounds like they’re definitely gearing up for a claim/lawsuit. Talk to you insurance co/adjuster. You don’t need to hire an attorney because your Insurance company will likely take care of it.

    4. I am in insurance defence (albeit in Canada) and disclosure of the policy limits is a pretty normal part of the process.

    5. Your insurance company should hire a lawyer for you. Usually policies are for *defense* and indemnity. You need to ask if they have engaged an attorney for you. Also, in my state, policy limits are part of normal discovery once a suit is filed.

    7. I’m a PI attorney and I ask to know the policy limits at the start of every case. There are two reasons for this. The first is I have to notify my client’s car insurance company if there is a possibility of an uninsured or underinsured claim. Let’s say you only have $25k of coverage and my client’s policy has $100k of coverage. That means there is $75k in underinsurance available. If her case is worth more than $25k, I need to let her policy know as well. That’s the biggest reason.

      Second, I don’t like having to chase people individually. If the case is worth $20k-$30k and you only have a $25k policy, I’m going to just try to settle it for policy limits. Also, if the case is worth $100k but you only have a $25k policy, I don’t need to do all the work I normally do to prove to your insurance company it is worth policy limits. I don’t need to wait for them to stop treating. I can make a demand much earlier in the process.

      Generally speaking, your insurance should defend you. My state also has a law that if the plaintiff offers to settle for your policy limits and the insurance company does not accept it and forces it to trial and you get whacked with a verdict greater than your policy limits, the insurance company still has to pay the full thing since it could have protected you by settling at your policy limit.

      I hope that helps!

    8. Thanks everyone!

      It sounds like we’ll go ahead and instruct our insurance company disclose our policy limits and let the process continue to ride with (hopefully) minimal involvement from us personally. I do believe our insurance company is handling the process normally and this was just one of the trigger points where we have to provide consent.

  11. Let’s do it: what are your new year’s resolutions?
    I’ll go – volunteer more and get my 4 year old involved, meal plan (like, actually do it), and be more bold in my appearance. I realized that over time, I have been dressing to disappear and I would like to be a bit more bold, less utilitarian, and maybe even have a style.

    1. I am one of those ridiculous people who has a life overhaul lasting about 31 days every January, but this year I want to do Couch to 5K and NaNoWriMo and stop using my phone in bed. And I’m planning to cook through “all” (I use that word loosely) of my cookbooks and document it on Instagram, and I’m really excited for that.

      1. That sounds like fun! Are you willing to share your instagram? Or email it to me at seniorattorney1 at gmail?

        1. Sure! I have a separate account designated for these adventures: @ erikas_testkitchen. (The whole project might have been somewhat inspired by the pun…)

    2. Fun!

      I’m focusing on minimalizing my closet and my possessions. Consumption, waste and clutter are bringing me a lot of stress and negativity. I’ve come a long way in letting go of a lot of negative thoughts and it’s time to let go of more physical nonsense.

    3. I always pick a simple, concrete resolution that’s something I need to do every day but have been slacking off on. Last year it was taking my makeup off every day. This year it’s going to be reading instead of cell phone before bed. I’d like to institute a “no electronics in the bedroom” rule, but the logistics of my tiny apartment don’t make that possible, so I’m hoping to set a 9pm-7am window for not using them, even though they’re still in the room.

    4. Go to church at least twice a month and start tithing, run a 10K, “Kon Mari” our house, walk my dog everyday instead of just letting her run around the backyard, and floss everyday (why is this so hard!!!)

      1. I used to be terrible at flossing, but now get a gold star from my dental hygienist! Here’s what I did: 1. Sticker chart on the bathroom mirror, while I was establishing the habit. 2. I’m the most successful at flossing when I don’t aim for 100% perfection–I’m happy with 5/7 days. 3. Frame it as, “everything in my life might be a flaming sh*tstorm, but I can do this ONE THING.” 4. End up with an insurance plan for three years that only includes preventative dental and have to pay out of pocket for any fillings (do not necessarily recommend this, but it was a good motivator when all else failed). You can do it!

        1. This is motivating, thank you!! I bought those plastic flossers instead of just the floss to make it easier and get me into the habit but sometimes it just seems to be so much effort and I want to go to bed, but I’m going to try your recs.

          1. My trick is to keep floss in the shower, so in the morning (or sometimes evening) when I don’t want to leave the warm, I have a productive excuse to stay just a few minutes longer…

          2. Sorry won’t let me reply to you, I shower after I workout but before I eat dinner, I’d love to try what you say but if I eat right after I feel like it defeats the purpose?

          3. It’s better than nothing! Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of one step better than what you’re doing now.

          4. Exactly, emeralds. Even if not ideal, it prevents the gross buildup and that bad non-flosser breath.

        2. chiming in to say the “not 100% is still ok” mentality has worked for me in other aspects. i had a year when i wanted to work out more/consistently. i made myself a sticker chart and aimed for a minimum of 3 workouts a week. i had space for up to 5 so i loved seeing a full row when that happened!

    5. I’m going to figure out an exercise routine that will work with my current job/commute setup. I also plan to run marathon #2, if it’s feasible without losing my mind in the process (if mind will be lost, I’ll run a half).

      My scary-to-me resolution is to finish writing a novel by the end of 2019. I have about 35,000 words now, and a manageable schedule for getting it where I want it to be by this time next year.

    7. Get a grip on the eating/drinking. We are doing a Whole 30 in January and that will help. After that I plan to cut out the processed white carbs and cut way down on the alcohol.

      Get a grip on the money. We had a great time this year but we spent SO MUCH MONEY (I’m looking at you, 60th birthday party in New York City!). DH has resisted an actual budget since we’ve been married but this year he says he’s on board so we are going to make that happen.

      Get a grip on the exercise. I’ve been cheating on my trainer with a new trainer and I love him so I am going to keep that up and do more heavy lifting in the new year.

      Actually become members of the church in which we were married. I’m not a believer but it’s a very liberal social justice-y church and I love the singing and so on so I’ll be what I call a Book of Mormon Episcopalian (“Oh, honey. You didn’t think Salt Lake City was a real place, did you? It’s all just a metaphor!”)

      1. I’ve never done a Whole30, but have made several recipes and follow some food bloggers – you should check out NoCrumbsLeft and IHeartUmami on insta if you use it or they both have blogs! They both have some of the best recipes, I frequently tell my friends about them, they really don’t sacrifice any flavor with the whole30 restrictions.

    8. I always try to come up with a few goals for the year in different areas of my life. So far, my list for this year is:

      1. Between retirement and non-retirement accounts, save 20% of my pre-tax income. I used to save a lot when I worked in BigLaw without trying, and slipped on savings this year after leaving BigLaw. I want to get a workable system set up that I can stick to going forward.

      2. Clean, organize, and finish one room in my house a month. I’ve lived in my place for over 4 years now, but still haven’t finished decorating and other items on my to do list like painting. This is the year!

      3. Get in a pattern of working out at least 4 times a week. I’m going to aim for 5 times a week, but will be happy if it is at least 4. To that end, I’ve picked up some new activities that I’m looking forward to in the coming year.

      4. Batch cook on the weekends at least once a month. I want to stick to eating at home more often, for both health and money reasons, but don’t like having to cook every day and often have things going on in the evenings. I’m going to try batch cooking to solve this issue.

      I might come up with one or two more in different areas of my life.

    9. Complain less.

      Buy less clothing. I had an awakening moment when a package arrived (clothing) and I could not remember what I had ordered. Time to cut myself off.

    10. -Actually get my living room and dining room painted. We’ve had samples on the walls for months.
      -Organize all my digital photos and make several photo albums I’ve been meaning to make for a while
      -Make a good schedule for exercising and stick to it
      -Figuring out my investment/saving strategy. I’m finally going to get my student loans paid off and need to figure out what to do with the money I’m no longer putting toward loans.

    11. 1. Be better informed. To that end, I have already subscribed to and make a conscious effort to read the NYTimes AM and PM briefs and the WAPost First Reads. I have a digital subscription to both and one for my local paper.
      2. Read many of the books I own and haven’t read. I don’t know how many I have, but it’s a lot. I need to make a concerted effort to choose from my bookshelf first.
      3. Get back to exercising. I have been really bad about it in 2018- and I feel it. I walk a lot and that’s good, but I need to do some strength training and real cardio. I want to go to barre 3x a week whenever possible.
      4. Chronic illness goal: I want to do everything in my power to strengthen my lungs and get them back to 100% predicted. Number 3 will help with this, but so do new meds I’m on.

      1. Oooh, #2 is another hope of mine! We have little to zero storage space and I have decided that I can’t buy any more books until I read all the ones we already own (excepting my nerdy husband’s medical textbooks and physician’s desk references…no need to torture myself with those, lol).

    12. 1. Move on from my ex-boyfriend. He’s a still a great friend, just a terrible boyfriend to me.
      2. Put myself out there more – join various social groups, go on social events, meet new people. I’m in my early 30s and all of my local good friends are married and having kids now…
      3. Go on a solo trip to Seattle.

      1. If you need Seattle recommendations, post here and I’ll give you all mine! Seattle is a wonderful place and I love living here.

        1. I know I want to hit up all the touristy spots since I’ve never been (the Space Needle, Chihuly Garden & Glass, Pike Market), but I would love suggestions for any botanic gardens/walks, food (unfortunately allergic to shellfish but will eat all sorts of cuisines), bars with a view, and which areas are good to stay in! TIA!

          1. Nature:
            The Japanese garden at the Arboretum is really pretty. Depending on the season, I’d also walk around Discovery Park- one of my favorite places to take a walk and it’s only about ten minutes away from one of the more popular neighborhoods. Go to the Volunteer Park conservatory while you’re in the area, too.

            If you come in the spring, time it with going to see the cherry trees on the UW campus (and the “Hogwarts library” at Suzzalo library on campus).

            Take a walk through the Olympic Sculpture Park at sunset. Love it.

            Bars and Food:
            In Pike Place Market there’s a coffee shop above the market with a view of the water, Storyville. Skip getting a coffee at the original Starbucks (I mean, generally skip it, there ar other Starbucks in the area that are not packed at all times…) and go there. It’s cozy and beautiful, especially around sunset.

            Do, however, go to the Starbucks on the 40th floor of the Columbia tower. Panoramic views without having to pay $$$.

            I don’t have a lot of fancy restaurant recommendations, except for that there is an Italian place, Serafina, that’s great. No view, but amazing food. I also like Macrina (just north of downtown) for brunch or coffee. Toulouse Petit also has fantastic brunch, in large part due to their beignets. If you’re here on a weekday, go to Il Corvo for lunch. You will have to wait in line. It is worth it. I also like Uptown Coffee for coffee, Pagliacci’s for pizza, Kidd Valley for burgers, and Eltana for bagels. If you like pho, skip Ba Bar and go to Pho Bac in the international district.

            In terms of where to stay, avoid Capitol Hill. SUPER bro-y and loud and bar scene-y. My favorite areas that are generally accessible and safe for single women are: Queen Anne and lower Queen Anne. Don’t go farther south than Broad or so. It’s not unsafe, per se, but that neighborhood (Belltown) is a bit sketchy at night. Within walking distance of downtown, great food, right by Seattle Center depending on where on Queen Anne you stay. Once you cross over highway 99/Aurora it’s pretty tech bro heavy and dead on the weekends.
            Wallingford/Ballard/Fremont/Greenlake. Not as accessible, but everything is still only 10-15 min by car.
            Downtown, north of Spring and south of Lenora, water to the freeway. In the middle of everything. Busy. But almost everything is within walking distance, including the light rail to UW.

            Other: Spring to mid fall in Seattle is best. I love the rain but it doesn’t show off th beauty of Seattle like a June or September afternoon does.
            West Seattle is a very cool area. Take the water taxi!!
            Our downtown library is super cool. If you like bookstores, be sure to go to Elliott Bay, too.
            If you have any interest in theater or music, see if there’s anything you want to see at the Paramount while you’re here.
            The Museum of History and Industry (MOHAI) is a cool showcase of Seattle’s history as a fishing and industry location. Follow it up by going to the Ballard locks and then the Nordic Museum.

            I just love Seattle, hope you have a wonderful time!!!!!!

  12. First, I’m so glad you and your family are OK, and that the other people are too, regardless of any fault there may be.
    The way you’ve written this makes it sound like the accident might be your side’s “fault” if the other side has retained an attorney and you find that reasonable. It also sounds like your insurance company is giving you the option of whether or not to disclose your limits–are they really giving you that option? If so, I would be surprised, because first, it’s very common to disclose insurance limits (not reserves, necessarily, that’s a separate issue) because it can materially affect how both parties negotiate any pre-litigation settlement or, frankly, the decision of the other side to litigate or not, and if you don’t disclose it, you run the risk that the other side will choose to litigate to get that information. You don’t gain anything by not disclosing your insurance limits.
    As far as you getting your own attorney, that really depends on how you feel about the accident and what you want your family to get out of it. If you are having no issues with your own insurance company in terms of getting related bills and claims paid, you’re probably fine with no attorney. If you’re not intending to sue the other driver over this accident, you’re probably fine with no attorney. If you do want to explore suing the other driver, you do need to talk to an attorney. If you get sued by the other driver, in almost all cases your insurance company will assign an attorney to you and pay that attorney’s bills, but you will still be that attorney’s client (it’s a very funky but common and normal “tripartite relationship”). Even in that case, if you get assigned an attorney by your insurance company, you are still entitled to retain and pay for your own attorney as well, and the attorneys have to cooperate. This most often comes into play in a case where there may be a judgment in excess of your policy limits (aka, possible money out of your own pocket), and the attorney you retain yourself deals with that aspect.
    Also, an umbrella policy is ALWAYS a good idea. I recommend it to friends all the time. They are astonishingly cheap for the coverage and peace of mind you get in return. Of course an umbrella policy won’t be retroactive but it’s just good to have going forward.

    1. Thank you!! I believe primary fault of the accident was on our part, but there were actions by the other party that escalated the impact. But really, our fault and I hope the other party receives any and all medical treatment, compensation, etc. they are fairly due during the process.

      It sounds like we’ll go ahead and instruct our insurance company disclose our policy limits and let the process continue to ride with (hopefully) minimal involvement from us personally.

  13. I am not a lawyer, and I do not want to be leading our team’s contract negotiations. Nevertheless, I’m in that position because I’m the only one here reasonably able to do so. I was given our set of items to stand firm on, or else we’d walk away. I spent all day yesterday crafting a point-by-point response defending these items, and drafting new language (again, makes no sense for a non-lawyer to do this, but whatever). I sent the document, the other side said no (no explanation). I just got an email from our CEO instructing me to concede everything and sign today. I give up. At least I don’t have to negotiate contracts any more! Time for vacation!

    1. I am a lawyer who negotiates contracts all day. 9 times out of 10, the CEO says “just concede” and I have to listen. Sometimes I wonder why my company employs me.

  14. Favorite red lipstick that doesn’t budge? I love the color, but I hate smudging on my teeth and crease of my mouth.

    1. Can’t speak to color, but Revlon Colorstay (in the tube with clear gloss on the other end) does not go one single place all day.

    3. I like the covergirl longwear lipgloss, but I don’t wear red so can’t speak to that specifically.

    4. Give Dior’s Rouge Dior Ultra Rouge a look … the red (999) is gorgeous, it’s kind of a hybrid of stain + lipstick. I love it

    5. Rimmel stay matte reds stay on forever, eating, drinking, it will stay put for 12 plus hours.

      Same with Stila Stay All Day in Beso.

      Make sure to exfoliate/moisturize before applying.

    6. For a cool (as opposed to warm) red, I recommend Laura Mercier “paint wash liquid lip colour” in “red brick,” paired w/ a Laura Mercier lip liner. Stays on & looks great.

    7. Late to this, but if you’re still reading, I like Mac Viva Glam SIA. I don’t know that it stays all day, but I put some on before the (boozy, multi-course) Christmas lunch we just had, with a layer of face powder in between two layers of lipstick, and it still looks good.

  15. I’ve been in my current position (nonprofit fundraising) for 4 years, and we are doing our first evaluations. It involves a self-evaluation questionnaire. I often feel frustrated in my role, and I don’t know how to communicate that constructively and without blaming others.

    Some concrete examples:
    1) I was tasked with updating our organizational brochure. We have multiple offices. I formed a team of coworkers for input and designed a brochure with full knowledge of the director, my boss. Then, I learned one of our offices took it upon themselves to make their own, different brochure with typos and lacking critical information…and they’ve been using it for nearly a year! The manager of that office doesn’t like my team-led brochure and is refusing to merge our two brochures. He wants to merely edit the typos and keep using his, which my boss agrees is too text heavy. But, I’m rather horrified that someone made a brochure without telling me (communications is under me), and my boss doesn’t seem to have my back when I state all offices need a unified brochure, which she agrees with in theory.

    2) Multiple instances where I need final sign off approval from my boss, and I call, text, and speak with her, only to wait around and produce late results.

    3) Our website is roughly 10 years old (!!). I got quotes when I first started, and then again 2 years ago. Both times, I was shot down because the cost is too expensive. Keep in mind, we have a multi-million dollar budget. At this point, I’m embarrassed by our super outdated, non-mobile friendly website that is largely text-only. It is discouraging my ability to fundraise. I try to explain that the quotes are all similar and that’s what a website costs ($8-10K) in our area, but I get nowhere.

    4) My first year here, I spent weeks designing an annual report, which never got published, because of multiple approval roadblocks my boss and the board put up. We have subsequently never done an annual report, as is typical.

    I really don’t want to blame people, I want to find a way to work together. I care about our mission and want to work more smoothly. I’m googling to find resources on self-evaluation, but I’m not sure how to communicate any of these frustrations in a proactive way that problem solves. Help??

    1. I don’t think a self-evaluation is the place to address these issues. Give yourself a positive evaluation and then find other ways to do deal with your complaints.

      1. +1. These complaints are not part of your evaluation. I am also a nonprofit fundraiser. It sounds like you have a lot of general marketing responsibilities too. IME small and midsize nonprofits routinely cut corners on marketing because it is hard to see how marketing investments will boost their efficacy. I think the only way to get traction on change is to talk concretely about how it is impacting fundraising (or service delivery). You could also try to get a capacity building grant to redesign the website and then they will be forced to spend that money, although that will be another headache.

        And FWIW, speaking as a fundraiser, are you sure these things are all negatively impacting your fundraising? Please ignore me if I am completely off-base; I know nothing about your work and the details of your situation. But while I can totally see how all of these things may be crazy-making, #1 and #4 seem like things that might not actually matter that much to raising money. If raising money is the core of what they need you to do, don’t loose sight of the bottom line. (I say this as someone who is forced to produce an annual report that I think is a massive waste of time and not particularly useful to me in my core job of fundraising. Ours was just finally finished, 2 months late, so I am probably biased).

    2. Don’t put it in your self eval. What you can perhaps do is propose some of these things as stretch assignments and see if you can get buy-in to lead them, which seems unlikely.

    3. Agree with the others, and that your expectations going forward should be that they don’t view your role in the same way that you do. It may be time to find a new employer.

  16. My husband emailed me about RBG and I actually screamed at work. I would give her two years off my life if I could. Even if they were two young, healthy years.

    1. She’s wonderful but in an ideal world, she would have retired while Obama still had a chance to replace her. Given what transpired with Scalia/Garland, it may not have helped, but people in such powerful positions need to be mindful beyond their own desires.

      1. I hate when people say this. RBG is clearly a very smart lady, and it isn’t like she hasn’t thought of this on her own. I’m sure she’s very thoroughly considered the consequences. Give her some credit. Quite frankly, we have no reason to believe that Obama would have been able to push a suitable replacement through had she retired. Good for her for hanging in there!

      2. Meh they would have just stolen her seat too, unless she’d retired in the first two years of Obama’s presidency.

        1. Democrats had control of the Senate for the first six years of the Obama presidency.

    2. Your reaction is way over the top, I was terrified she died! Don’t worry guys, she had nodules removed from her lungs, there is no indication so far that any nodules remain and she is recovering from the surgery. Definitely not good but not the worst.

  17. Christmas gift ideas for my boyfriend? Mid-twenties, we’ve been dating for 2 years. We live together. Hes a software engineer, likes history, science fiction, coffee, podcasts, techy gadgets. For ouranniversary this year he got an espresso grinder. Any thoughts? Totally drawing a blank.

    2. If you have an Echo or similar, accessories? Like the plugs that you can program so you can tell Alexa to turn the living room lights on? A compatible video doorbell?

    3. It’s probably too late for this year, but http://www.redbubble.com has t-shirts and hoodies and such with pretty much every sci fi design you can possibly imagine. I got my son a Night Vale Public Radio t-shirt for Christmas, to give you an idea of the obscure treasures you can find.

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