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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Signature Softblend Sweatshirt

I’ve long been a fan of Lou & Grey for loungewear, and 2020 seems like it’s their time to shine. This soft, cozy sweatshirt is a rayon/acrylic blend with just a touch of spandex, so I suspect it’s going to look a little more pulled-together than the college hoodie I’ve been favoring on my work-from-home days, and this rich fuchsia color will be perfect for livening up the drab winter days that are headed our way.

If you want to make this into a two-piece outfit (is that the WFH equivalent of a pantsuit?), there is also a matching pair of pants available.

The sweatshirt is $69.50 and available in plus sizes 14–26 as well as regular and petite sizes XXS–XXL. It also comes in black, charcoal gray, gray heather, and red. Signature Softblend Sweatshirt

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

247 Comments

  1. I’m the poster from yesterday who asked about how to quietly reinvent your job. Thank you for the great advice! It gave me the confidence to just start. I’ll try expanding my role from Area A into Area B, which no one is currently handling. And if all goes well Area B should become my ‘thing.’

    Here’s another interesting question. Have you ever had something become ‘your thing’ at work by accident? For whatever reason, you end up being asked to do something, do a great job at it, and develop a reputation for being the go-to person who is great at whatever that is?

    Maybe it’s just the companies I’ve worked at, but so much of people’s career paths seem to depend on serendipity. How much of your career path so far did you strategize in advance, and how much just ‘happened’?

    1. IT has somehow become my thing and it’s maddening, I’m not a wizard or even good with technology. I just Google things and use basic problem solving skills. It’s amazing and honestly kind of disheartening that grown *ss adults can’t figure out simple tasks.

      2. Right here with you on this, every single word of it. I have even now billed clients for my time doing basic IT things that would waste my programmers time (I don’t typically bill for my time) and they act like I’m the most magic person in the world.

      3. I was thrilled to leave a job once, in part, because I was the only person(!) who knew how to use the screen in the conference room. I was a director and was pulled away multiple times per week to make a conference call happen.

    2. Serendipity absolutely created my now three-decades-long career. Straight out of undergrad, I was hired into a type of county-level social services position that had several possible tracks. I did not get placed in the track I found most interesting (track A), but developed some expertise in track B where I was randomly placed. After a couple years, went back to grad school, and what should I specialize in? I had the experience with track B, so it seemed like a good idea to use it. And it launched a career that started in state government, briefly went to local government, back to state government, then to federal government, national non-profit leadership, and then consulting (both for firms and as a solo consultant). I’m considered a national subject matter expert in track B stuff, all because of a serendipitous event at the very beginning of my career.

    4. This happened to me when I moved into the HR department just as people analytics was starting to take off. Half of that serendipity comes from the people around you. They have to be open to the “new thing” and know how to nurture and develop it, or at a minimum give you room to do so. The people around you can make all the difference.

    5. I went to law school thinking I wanted to practice law in one area, but I graduated in 2008 and just needed a job. I ended up loving my job so much that I have been here ever since. I would have never guessed it would have been such a good fit for me. I also ended up specializing further, just because of initial case assignments I got at the beginning of my career. I am now considered an expert in this particular area.

    6. When I started as an attorney for a local government, the specific job/agency assignment I got was not one I was interested in long term and I knew that from the beginning. I took the job because it was 2011 and the legal job market was still awful. But I deliberately volunteered to handle various random things that came in so that I could get experience in areas outside of the niche than was my main gig, with an eye towards being about to use those experiences to get out of this niche area in a few years. That is exactly what happened. One of those areas led to the job I have now, which is also local gov but higher up (state v local) and got me out of the undesirable niche.

      So, sometimes this happens by serendipity but if you have specific things you want/are interested in/somewhere you want to go, you would do well to deliberately move in that direction, even if the things you are doing are small to start, like volunteering for or creating work in a new area in your current job. Always have in mind where you want to get to and take action consistent with that, basically.

    7. Yes, the 2008 financial collapse changed my trajectory and I do very well helping restructure troubled companies. I didn’t think I’d be good at it because I don’t like confrontation and strife but I try to balance the needs of all parties for the best possible outcome.

    9. Well, yeah. As very often the only woman in a unit/department in my male dominated field, I’ve had clerical, secretarial, and administrative assistant duties swing my way more than once. I learned over the years to just not do them, and when the things remained undone, someone else would have to take them over.

      This may sound foreign to anyone starting their career now, but in the late 1980s/early 1990s when I started mine, it was very much a thing for most working women.

    10. I’d say my entire career is due to one major disappointment that just “happened.” I love telling this story because it’s so unexpected. I graduated from a good, top law school (though not T-20) in 2011, when law firms were tightening their belts and jobs were hard to find. Unfortunately, even though I was a good student, a Law Review editor, etc., I did not get a job in BigLaw. I was so, so disappointed. I wound up getting a pretty low-paying somewhat niche litigation job through connections and was completely demoralized by it. By chance, I happened to get staffed on a matter for which the firm served as local counsel in a larger litigation, which was in an area of the law only tangentially related to most of what I was doing. Eventually, I leveraged that small experience as local counsel to get me in the door at a mid-sized firm that focused in that area and then eventually, a BigLaw firm where I’m now in one of the top practice groups for the work I do. I now love my job so much and feel really grateful that I suffered such a big disappointment at the beginning of my career.

    1. That’s interesting.

      We got prime as something like Prime Parent for year 1 when we needed diapers etc. all the time and getting kiddo in/out of car sets / shopping cart took all of the time + a diaper blowout somehow each time we tried to go to a big box store in person.

      I found that when shipping is free, we just bought a ton of crap we didn’t need and had way more boxes / packaging than we could easily deal with (boxed items shipping in . . . boxes with those fluffed air things — the diapers aren’t going to break!!!). This sounds like a maddening charge — saving Amazon customers from shopping for OMG funnels — let’s get the set of 10! — from their sleep-deprived poor judgment. Definitely a worthy goal though.

      1. So, I’m currently getting diapers from amazon and they now just ship in their packaging, without a secondary box.

      2. I don’t work for Amazon- I’m one of those vegan academics who posts about climate change and whether personal actions or laws are the more effective path, but this is actually one of the other ways that major progress can be made. I’m skeptical of Amazon for a lot of reasons, but when a big company decides to make a commitment to green energy (they’ll supposedly be all on renewable energy by 2025), that can make a bigger difference than all kinds of individual actions. They need to be held to account for that and pushed to do more and faster, but we need to keep our eye on the ball: energy is the big picture and doing everything we can to move to renewable energy energy infrastructure ASAP is way more important than a few extra boxes. If getting a few extra cardboard boxes and plastic packing means reducing emissions from delivery trucks and the whole supply chain infrastructure, that’s worth it. Presumably, that’s what someone in this position does, calculate all that stuff out. The answers aren’t always intuitive.

        1. +1
          I do as much individual action as I can, but I feel like I’m bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. Amazon has tons of power and I hope they turn the corner and use it for good, on energy and other areas as well.

          1. Let’s not completely dismiss individual actions though. Your teaspoon may not make much of a difference to the ocean, but a few hundred million or a few billion teaspoons will.

      3. Yeah, it’s not easy and we have miles to go to do a good job, but the ship is starting to turn (as per my friends over there). The cool thing as a person who cares about the climate is that tiny % impacts at Amazon are actually massive improvements because the scale is so big. I choose to find that hopeful.

  3. Tiny Thanksgiving thread. This Thanksgiving is going to be much smaller than normal for us, but I’m finding that I don’t have to meet the expectations of others and it’s… kind of fun.

    Are you trying anything new that you’re really excited about?

    We’re making a turkey roulade in lieu of a giant turkey and I’m psyched. Holy Ina, mother of salt, pray for me.

    I’m also skipping pumpkin and pecan pies (which I made out of obligation, not preference) and decided to ask my kids (2 and 5) what kind of pie to make. Their answer: CHOCOLATE. Sooo… trying a French Silk pie.

    1. Clementine, do you have a recipe for the French Silk? It is my family’s specialty and go-to every holiday pie. It is SO easy. Let me know if I can help!

      In fact, this year I’m making a pumpkin streusel pie for our “something different”. Ha!

      3. Oh man! I would LOVE a tried and Tested recipe. I was just going with Sally’s Baking Addiction, but would adore if you would share.

        1. Sorry for my delay! Kiddo is off school today, so I’m just at my computer for odd hours. Here you go!

          French Silk Pie

          1/2 cup softened butter
          3/4 cup sugar
          1 tsp. vanilla
          2 squares unsweetened chocolate OR 2 packets premelted unsweetened chocolate
          2 eggs
          1 baked 9 inch deep dish pie shell (some people use graham cracker crusts for French silk…that’s blasphemy to me)
          whipped cream for garnish (I use 8 oz. Cool Whip)
          shaved chocolate for garnish

          Cream sugar and butter; mix in vanilla and chocolate. With electric mixer set on highest speed, add one egg and beat for a full 5 minutes. Repeat with 2nd egg. Pour mixture in to pie shell and chill. Garnish with whipped cream and shaved chocolate.

    2. Oh, I made a French Silk pie one year for Thanksgiving and it was delicious!

      I’m spending Thanksgiving solo (all my family is two states away, driveable, but we’re staying safe), so I’m going to do a day of snacking on appetizers and marathon watch all the Star Wars movies :-) A nice change after hosting myself for a bunch of years.

    3. I’m happy not to deal with appetizers since I figure we will just be grazing on the turkey trimmings and sides before the meal anyway. I am making turkey parts instead of a whole turkey, and as long as it is not pouring rain, I will be grilling instead of roasting in the oven. Kitchen will stay cleaner, and grilled turkey is the best.

      1. Thanksgiving is usually just my husband and I, so not that different for us. Normally, we roast a duck, but this year, I got little Cornish game hens so I’m happy to try those. A bit less ambitious of a spread, but still tasty.

    4. My husband and I both admitted we don’t like turkey, so we’re making fried chicken. We do love the Thanksgiving sides, and are making a lot of those. We also got some cheeses, olives, and pepperoni to nosh on all day before dinner.

      To me, dessert is very important to the meal. I’m always disappointed when there is a large celebratory meal and dessert is an afterthought. I am a big baker, and regularly make pretty amazing pies, cakes, and desserts. But we ordered a cake from a local bakery instead! It feels like a super special dessert this way, and is making me more excited about what would otherwise just be dinner on a Thursday.

    5. Same! We’re making it by ourselves for the first time and I’m excited to eat stuff I like but my extended family does not! We’re doing a roasted brussels sprouts recipe instead of green beans, caramelized onion and kale stuffing instead of stovetop, and homemade parker house rolls (also a chicken instead of a turkey).

    6. I’m throwing everything out the window, lol. I’m making a braised beef meal for the first time, and the big feast will happen on Saturday (mostly because I started marinating the meat too late and it needs a few more days). Tomorrow I’ll focus entirely on putting the tree up.

    7. I ordered a Thai sugar cream pie from a fancy local bakery. I can’t wait to try it.

    8. Our local market has terrific pies but this year their choices were strawberry or peach, so we bought a peach pie and are going Southern with the rest of the meal as well.

    9. I’ll play! TG is my absolute hands-down favorite holiday and I usually cook for multiple celebrations all weekend long. This year it’s just me, DH, and our three kids. I didn’t feel like doing all the work for such a small group (plus our kids are picky and who knows what they’ll eat?), so we ordered the whole shebang from a delicious local restaurant. I’m going to make green bean casserole b/c I love it and we’re going to experiment with mini pies this year. Overall I’ll be thankful to relax and watch a movie with our kiddos and putter (rather than go a million MPH) around my kitchen. Also I bought champagne b/c it’s my favorite and I’m going to celebrate that we’ve made it this far in 2020 :)

      I would LOVE a French silk recipe, too!

    10. Big fan of a non traditional thanksgiving over here. We’re making coq au vin with a green salad and scalloped potatoes for dinner.

    12. Holy Ina, mother of salt = can we be friends? And with her. And with Samin Nosrat.

      We are going pretty traditional because my husband balked at the idea of non-traditional. He cracks me up. But we are doing ham instead of turkey because I refused to manage a big bird for the two of us.

      1. 1. we can TOTALLY be friends.
        2. in my dream world, we’ll all have a post covid picnic in a vineyard somewhere… Samin and Ina will supply the ‘nibbles’.

    13. I’m excited that I decided to make the pumpkin pie tonight and bake it tomorrow morning to have as breakfast.
      In 2020 anything could happen and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least get my pie before whatever fresh hell come next.

    14. Yes! I’m making baked brie with cranberry orange sauce as an appetizer, and mulling some wine on the stove. For dinner we’re having roast beef, baked mac and cheese, green beans, and rolls. For dessert, homemade blackberry pie – I normally make pecan and while I do enjoy making that, I thought I’d mix it up a little this year and really lean into the non-traditional nature of the meal.

      I might also make crepes in the morning if I feel like it.

      Also, my parents are meeting my boyfriend’s parents on Zoom. We’ve been together four and a half years and we keep meaning to arrange to have them meet in person, this year we were like “screw it, let’s do it digitally” as a way to make this Thanksgiving really special. We’re also gonna marathon the Thanksgiving episodes of Bob’s Burgers.

    15. We’re just doing the three of us — me, Hubby, and my son — outside and distanced since he doesn’t live with us. Getting a Thanksgiving dinner takeout and then I’m making mac n cheese and Hubby is making homemade dinner rolls, since those are our two favorite things to cook.

      I love making a big Thanksgiving dinner but I am not one bit mad not to be doing it this year.

      1. P.S. I’m cracking up because my husband just asked “what time are we picking up the Turkey Food?”

        I have a feeling Thanksgiving dinner is going to be known as Turkey Food forever after…

    16. Solo thanksgiving this year, am making a fancy turkey pot pie, then my now favorite pecan-apple-pumpkin layer pie. Of which I claim I will porch drop off leftovers but possibly will eat all myself with homemade whipped cream.

    17. We got a large pumpkin pie from Costco and fancy cookies from a friend who is selling them. We’re making my favorite sides – mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing and green been casserole. My husband loves to cook, so he’s making a fancy version of the beans with fresh beans, some kind of a French butter and cream sauce, and fresh mushrooms. He’s making chicken instead of turkey, and he consulted with his brother, a professional chef, about a French version of the chicken with lemon and something else. He’s excited about experimenting with the food rather than making the basics that will make extended family happy. I put the tree up several weeks ago with just the lights. This weekend I’ll hang the ornaments on the tree and put up our outside lights. I’m also excited to tackle cleaning out a portion of the basement to make room for a dedicated yoga studio, so I don’t have to keep moving the living room furniture every time I want to take a virtual class.

      1. I make green bean casserole from scratch too, with fried shallots on top. So good!

    18. My kids are both working in ICUs caring for covid patients (one RN, one MD) and so we are not having an indoor thanksgiving but in cold wet Seattle we are meeting at adjacent 10-foot apart picnic tables at a park under cover with portable heaters and having pre-cooked turkey and pies. I don’t mind the cold as long as it’s not wet.

    19. It’s just me and my husband, but Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday so we’re making the full spread from scratch including a whole turkey– 13 pounds was the smallest we could find. We’ll make stock from the carcass and freeze the extra meat. I dry brine and spatchcock the bird and rarely have issues with it turning out dry.

      A new recipe I’m trying this year is a cranberry crisp with pecan streusel. I already prepped it and it was SO easy and the little tastes I had of the filling and the streusel were delicious. I just used Smitten Kitchen’s recipe for cranberry pie with pecan crumble and omitted the bottom crust portion. I’ll be serving it with vanilla bean whipped cream. I love a good pie crust, but we never want anything heavy for dessert after that huge meal.

      1. This is exactly what my household is doing (a 13lb turkey for my husband and me, plus our favorite sides).

  4. I have been so tired lately and I can’t figure out why.

    I started wfh a few weeks ago , but I think I was tired before that. Diet and water consumption haven’t changed , exercise has probably increased, time outside has decreased but I try to take a walk every day. Sleep habits haven’t changed. We’re back on lockdown, but trying to still keep in touch with friends. I take a multivitamin everyday. No feelings of depression. Obviously daylight savings happened, but this never happened in other years with that.

    Should I try a wake up light? A SAD light? What had worked for you?

    2. You might get your thyroid checked. That happened to me and I just thought it was normal to be tired all the time since I have kids and work a demanding job. Turns out my thyroid was not functioning. I feel so much better now that I am properly medicated.

    3. If you’re doing everything right, how about doing something wrong? Indulge in some guilty pleasures to really give you a break/chance to distress.

    4. Continue your exercise and if possible, get some time mid-day / in the sun walking/exercising/moving each day. Even 15 minutes is better than nothing.

      And yes… try a Happy light.

    5. I find that the background stress from the pandemic and everything else that’s happened this year can easily sneak up on me and cause tiredness and bad moods with no apparent cause. Fwiw, I think 2020 is a year to throw all the coping strategies at the wall to see what sticks.

      Fwiw, I feel like meditation and yoga (which feels like meditation with movement to me) have given me the most bang for my buck.

      1. This is me, too. Some days I’m humming along and feeling just fine and then for no particular reason this fatigue and sadness hits me out of nowhere. Reminding myself that these are normal feelings to have given what we are going through right now helps. As do a lot of the other things mentioned in this thread (meditation, physical activity, staying connected to family/friends, coffee, etc.).

    6. Exercise outside every day! Especially if you are newly WFH… it’s very easy to feel lethargic sitting around house all day. Also, if it doesn’t get better in a few weeks, consider checking in with your doctor and getting some basic bloodwork run. You don’t want to ignore signs that something might be wrong. Also, maybe take a test to rule out pregnancy… first trimester can definitely feel like this.

      1. Thanks! I haven’t dated at all during quarantine, so I can safely rule out pregnancy, unless it’s the immaculate conception part 2 :)

        Will definitely give it a few weeks and if I’m still exhausted, I’ll get some bloodwork done. I’d bet it’s a combo of newly wfh + daylight savings + winter gloom (I swear we go months without seeing the sun or blue skies in PA during the winter)

        1. I am in your general part of the country and used to have more seasonal issues, but in past few years I’ve made an effort to get out more in the winter. I invested in fleece lined tights, cashmere, good snow boots etc and just do it. I’m out for at least a little bit almost every day regardless of weather (absent freezing monsoon type weather or dangerous wind). It does make a huge difference. WFH can be a blessing in this scenario too because it is much easier to get out for exercise in the middle of the day, at least for me!

    7. Ugh sorry to hear this. Anecdata: I need two walks minimum and prefer three to get enough outdoors time. Also, I have 1000 times more energy if I see a friend at a distance once a week. Night and day. Also, if you’re getting less sun, you might need Vitamin D! Nordic Naturals gummies are the best and actually get me to take my D.

  5. I have a sunny spin bike that I use with the peleton app. I want to get cycling shoes and clip in pedals. Does anyone have a recommendation for either?

    1. Sidi shoes are my favorites, but are pricey. Not the most expensive you can buy, but certainly not the cheapest. Otherwise, I hear good things about the Specialized shoes, so maybe look at them?

      Pedals are such a matter of preference. The pedals that come with a Peloton are old-style Look pedals, which I happened to love back when I was riding/racing on the road, and are fairly inexpensive now. I’d suggest some googling for reviews, and check some of the cycling equipment websites to see what they have (Performance Bike? Not sure if that’s still around?)

      Also, you will likely need a pedal wrench to remove current pedals and install new ones, so add one of those to your order!

        1. You buy clips that you attach to your shoes. The clips attach to the pedal and has to be the specific type that works with that pedal. there are lots of kinds. You should be able to attach any clip to any cycling shoe, but there may be some exceptions so make sure you check the compatability.

        2. No, you have to match the cleat system on your shoes with the pedals on your bike. Peloton uses Look pedals. There’s also Time and SPD, crankbrothers, etc. You have to change your pedals if you want to use something other than the Look system (which may void your warranty, but a lot of people do this, including me).

          Assuming you want to keep the Peloton Look stock pedals, you are looking for a road bike shoe that can install a three-hole system. You then install the cleats on your chosen shoes. Road bike shoes are stiffer, which means more power transfer. The cleats are not recessed, so they’ll touch your floor when you’re walking around in them (so watch your floors).

          Mountain bike shoes tend to look more like sneakers and the cleats are recessed because you have to walk around on the trails more often. The soles are more flexible. They tend to be two-hole systems, so Look won’t work on most of those.

      2. Alas, Performance is closed. OP – I would consider calling Competitive Cyclist or a local bike shop and explaining what you’re looking for. They can help make sure that you end up with shoes and cleats that are compatible, and that if you need a pedal wrench, you get the right one. Some pedals need a wrench, and some need a size 8 hex key. Easier to talk to someone who can help you make sure you get the right stuff.

        I would prob go with Look pedals, since they’re cheap and it’s easier to to get the right cleats. For shoes, honestly, it depends on how often you’re going to use the thing. I ride in Sidis and love them, but I think you’re looking at a couple hundred dollars minimum.

        1. cbackson, do you happen to have wide feet? I’m looking for shoes that will do double duty on my Peloton and road bike- currently rocking some 10+year old Bontragers. I heard Lake does wide shoes, but it looks like only the men’s have that option.

          1. Not cbackson, but currently riding in a newer pair of Bontrager road shoes (Bontrager Velocis, size 41) and I think wide feet would probably not be happy in the standard width. My feet tend to the narrow side of average and I would not want these to be any tighter. They do come in wide but you may have a tough time finding them at your LBS to try on. I know pickings were slim at mine.
            I miss my old Shimano road shoes. They also come in wide widths. Their lifespan was shortened doing double duty for commutes (frequent putting my foot down at lights caused the left sole to crack… eventually they were held together by my winter toe covers!) but were SO comfortable.

          2. So I don’t have feet that are wide enough to need wide widths, but I do have a wid(er) forefoot, coupled with a narrow heel. A lot of people say Sidi runs narrow but for me it is the one brand that fits perfectly, and I wear them for road and gravel. I have some gorgeous Giro Empire lace-ups, but I actually use them only for quick spins on my fiance’s Peloton, because they pinch my forefoot too much for long rides.

        2. Dumb question – if I’m only looking for pedals / shoes for my exercise bike, would my bike shop have anything? Love my bike shop for my actual bike, but don’t think they’ll have much for a spin bike ?

          1. They’re the same thing! Spin bikes and outdoor bikes use the same pedals. Shoes can be the same too- the only thing that you may want to think about is ventilation- you don’t have to worry about your indoor shoes being waterproof, so you can get more cutouts/mesh than a waterproof outdoor shoe. Other than that they’re the same.

    2. Wow! I had no idea there were so many types of cleats and pedals!

      I’m looking for something just to use with my spin bike – I ride my real bike (hybrid ) a lot, but mostly it’s in the city (commuting, or riding through the city to get to a trail) so I do t want to clip in as I’m often stopped at red lights, crosswalks, etc.

      What’s the best type of shoe for spin bikes?

      1. Road shoes would likely be best for you. If you can’t get to a local bike shop (LBS) to try some on, I would order a bunch from an online retailer that you can return to and see what feels best.

    3. And, many (most?) cycling shoes do not come with the clips. You have to buy the clips separately and screw them onto the shoes yourself. It’s not difficult, and there are a bunch of you tube videos that show you how to do it. The clips are usually pretty inexpensive, like $10, but don’t forget to add them to your shoe purchase.

    4. I found that it was very personal. I tried on virtually every brand at REI and only one for my feet. I’d buy several different brands and return what doesn’t work.

    5. Find out the types of pedals/cleats and then try to choose shoes that would be compatible. I didn’t want to invest a lot into cycling shoes, ordered a pair of cheap Decathlon shoes and they are fine. I do bike rides 6x week for an hour on a Precor Spinner and haven’t had any issues.

  6. Anyone with an avoidant style of attachment who tried to change your attachment style to “secure” through therapy or something else? Please tell me what it was like and what worked.

    Also, any therapist recommendation in NY/NJ area? Do you recommend a male/female therapist?

    1. It is my understanding therapy is useless for avoidant attachment style. There needs to be trust in a therapist for therapy to have any meaningful impact. I would start with trying to find one you could consider trusting. No recommendations for NJ/NY.

    2. Not sure about your specific question but I highly recommend Amanda Baten in NYC

    3. I have some avoidant tendencies and found therapy to be very helpful. I went with my husband and our therapist helped us work through some of our patterns and just understand each other better. It really helped smooth things out for us.

    4. I’m anxious, not avoidant, so I’m sure there are differences but I do want to say that therapy has helped me so, so much. Good luck, OP!

    5. I’m in therapy for general reasons, not avoidance specifically, but I think it has been helpful in that it got me to identify the pattern and underlying causes. I’m still avoidant, but at least I’m more aware and honest about what I can and cannot give emotionally.

    6. I am/was anxiously attached. Therapy for myself, with hard serious work, especially during the earliest phases of my now-marriage relationship, plus couples therapy 3ish years in to really address our respective baggage, is what really helped. Good luck!

  7. How much do you hang with your spouse every night? My husband wants to hang for like 3-4 hours in the evenings (pretty much after the kids go to bed) and I just feel like I have zero time to myself. He’s okay with me doing my own thing too but I always feel bad bc he would prefer hanging out! I am super introverted and could do my own thing all the time (and I have a lot of hobbies) so I wonder what’s reasonable, I do enjoy our time together but at the same time I am starting to get resentful I have zero time to do some of my hobbies. I also know this is partially covid related because I feel like we have not much to talk about after 30 minutes and just end up zoning out in front of a show

    1. I’m very introverted and I spend probably 3 hours a night with my husband. I married my husband because he’s probably the only person I’ve ever met who I can spend extended time with without being drained.

      1. Ha that’s exactly what I’m looking for in a husband tbh! There are not that many people in the world I want to spend extended 1-on-1 time with.

        My parents hang out in the same room together, sometimes watching tv or something each evening. So they’re not actively talking, but they’re together. My siblings and I have also decided that after being married for 30 years, maybe they just don’t have 3 full hrs worth of things to talk about each day.

        1. Been with the husband for 32+ years (met in high school, nauseating but true) and can confirm. Sitting companionably in silence while one reads and the other watches TV or whatever is peak comfortable.

    2. Hang like talking, or hang like “in the same room together, sometimes doing the same thing sometimes not”?

      We are together for 3 or so hours each night but aren’t actively talking for all of that! Sometimes we are watching a show together, sometimes reading or doing something quiet near each other. No way could we talk the entire time!!

    3. Could you do your hobbies in the same room? Like you knit while he reads but you’re in the same room?

      My parents have a strong marriage, but on weeknights they don’t tend to do too much together. On the other hand, my roommate and I almost always spend the 5ish hours from getting home from work until bedtime together. Sometimes doing something together, sometimes not but we’re at least hanging out in the same space more often than not

      1. I think part of the problem is that the has no hobbies other than work and hanging out with me! So hanging in the same space is tough bc he looks like he’s just sitting there bored.

        2. This is mine and I hate it. Love him, but hate being his sole source of entertainment and human interaction. It’s exhausting and draining and He. Does. Not. Get. It. Definitely was an issue pre-COVID, but has been worse since then because I can’t even disconnect from him during my commute due to both of us working from home. He takes it okay if I tell him he’s smothering me and I need time alone, but he can’t grasp that I mean it daily. Commiseration, but unfortunately no advice. Just know that you aren’t the only one.

          1. I’m in the same boat. My husband takes it personally if I need alone time at night. He just doesn’t understand that even one night a week reading a book in a room alone would be so helpful for me.

          2. Same, except that we’ve talked about it, and I’ve been explicit about it, but he still doesn’t seem to grasp that it’s an ongoing need.

          3. Lol same. Partner is boring and my only way of coping is that he works 6am-3pm and I work 9-6. He goes to bed at 7:30 or 8pm otherwise I’d go mad. I love 8-midnight saves my sanity.

          5. Same here. My husband has zero hobbies and much more free time because we split the regular housework relatively evenly but I do all the home repairs, organizing, deep cleaning, and homework help. He is an extrovert who must vocalize every thought that goes through his head, so he follows me from room to room talking. He resents that I am always busy and unavailable to entertain him, but when I do have free time to spend with him all he wants to do is watch documentaries or boring old movies from the 70s and 80s. It is maddening because he definitely wasn’t like this when we were younger. He has given up all his active hobbies because his performance has naturally declined with age, and he is not interested in finding replacements.

          6. Soon @ 12:46: same boat. We’ve talked, I’ve been very open and honest about just needing time for and to myself, and he can’t grasp that I mean that as a regular, ongoing, recurring need. Not a once per quarter break. He acts puzzled about it and seems to think my “real” reason for not wanting to hang out must be some buried childhood trauma that I have yet to unpack. He will try to butt in so he can attempt to armchair analyze me every now and then, and I will literally shut the door in his face and tell him I just cannot People any more today. It’s like having a toddler who won’t let you poop in peace and is convinced you are hiding in the bathroom just to eat cupcakes without him or something…

    4. I enjoy my time alone now that I no longer am with my ex. He used to wait for me to come home, like a hungry dog, and when I came in the door, he was all over me. He then had me order dinner, and ate most of it and then wanted to watch TV with me, but inevitably, he would always talk and I could not hear what they were saying on TV. So I put on the subtitles so I could read what they were saying. That all got very straining. He would never go out for groceries or prepare any food, so that was also on e all the time. He also did not do laundry and did not clean up after himself all day, so I often came home to a sloppy kitchen and a dirty toilet. I do NOT miss any of that!

    5. This is sort of like us. He gives me a half hour of alone time after the kids are in bed before we hang out which helps. I had to have an express conversation explaining how I need the alone time to recharge. He finds it hard to be in the same room and not chat sometimes so I tend to do alone time upstairs while he watches a tv show or something downstairs, then we hang out a bit, then chores/prep for morning and bed.

      I definitely need to get the kids to bed earlier or get more organized about chores because we only have like two hours for chores + hanging out + any alone time between kids going to bed and us going to bed.

    6. You say it yourself- your husband is okay with you doing your own thing. You’re making this a problem by not taking him at his word! He does not need to change here.

    7. Spouse and I are in some sort of evening parallel play holding pattern, almost certainly pandemic-related. We mostly know how each other’s days went because we’re home all day. We mostly know what the kids were up to because they were home all day too. Come evening we each need some alone time. (Okay, I especially need the alone time.)

    8. I completely hear you! My husband and I were both getting really burnt out and resentful from lack of alone time. What we do now is take turns having alone time between the end of dinner and the kids’ bedtime – so basically 6:30-8:00p. The parent on duty does dinner clean up with the kids (8, 3, 1) and then does bath, teeth and pjs. The parent off duty comes out of isolation for the actual putting to bed. Husband gets “isolation time” (as we call it) on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I get isolation time Tuesday and Thursday. (Friday is movie night so it’s all hands on deck. Sunday, the oldest kid gets the night off from dinner clean up, so both parents are on duty) It’s kind of grueling to do dinner cleanup and watch all 3 children on my own, but the trade off of having that 90 minutes all to myself on the other nights is so worth it to me.
      After the kids go to bed, my husband likes to watch tv for 2-3 hours, which I enjoy, but not every night – so I will either sit with him and do a project, or a workout while he watches tv, or I will do my own thing and join him for 30 mins before bed. He did used to complain about me doing stuff while he watched tv (like I was trying to write and he said my typing was too loud!), but I told him, if he wanted me to hang out with him while he watches tv, he has to let me multitask or I will just do it in another room.
      Would it help if you and your husband did something together? My husband and I are taking that Yale Happiness course (recommended from here!) and it’s providing great conversation fodder. We also got a magazine subscription and take turns reading articles to each other.

    9. I think it helps to make time together meaningful rather than just a default. We try to not watch tv mindlessly together, we make sure we are watching something we are both into and that it’s actually what we are both wanting to do. I have a lot of hobbies and he doesn’t, but he usually asks what my plan is at some point during the day and we agree if it’s a night actually watching tv/playing a board game/hanging out, or a night we are free to do our own things. I did recently encourage him to pick up a hobby and it’s been good for him to have something new to be excited about. Is Christmas the chance to get him started on something he’s always wanted to do? Or an old hobby he’s dropped? Also, I find it helpful to set out at the start of the week what my plans are for my hobbies and what I want to achieve that week so he’s aware I want to spend time on doing certain things.

    10. I’m the extrovert in our house and I usually need alltheattention. We’ve been together for almost 15 years and pre-covid, I had a hobby that took me out of the house for 2-3 hours up to 5 days per week (and hobby involves other people), so my husband had plenty of alone time. He also WFH full-time before covid, and now I’m home all day as well. Our tactic is small doses of time together throughout the day and explicit communication on “individual time”. Like, literally declaring, “Ok, it’s individual time. I’m going to [watch a show, read my book, play video games], want to [do thing together] in an hour or two?” It helps me know that I’ll get time with him/all the attention, and it helps him know that he’ll get alone time. I often call friends or my sister to catch up, so I’m still getting some people time. Does your husband have friends to call or people he can go on a walk with during the day to get some attention? I get energized by talking to, hanging out with, and generally being surrounded by people, so anything I can do to get more human time makes me happy. But I know I can’t have my husband be my only person. I’ve been doing Zoom workouts with friends, doing outdoor coffee or walks with friends/colleagues, etc., and that helps.

    11. There’s a big difference between, I need alone time vs I need time for my hobbies. Hobby time is a lot easier to set boundaries around. Just tell him what kind of time you need for your hobbies. Are they something that can take an hour a day or a big chunk of time at once? Set up a physically separate space for hobby time if your home allows for it.

      Focus on better quality together time. Play games, puzzle, do a craft, take an online cooking class, wine tasting, whatever. Sitting on the couch watching tv isn’t really together time – to me that IS alone time because we’re not interacting. Same as reading our books while we’re in the same room.

  8. It seems that when transitioning from one’s 20s into the 30s, some women become much more attractive and interesting, while others become more plain. I’m not talking about aging physical features, but more like something inside had changed the way they carry themselves, the way they look at others and interact with them.

    What causes this difference? How to age gracefully on the inside?

    1. I think I was like this when I was misprescribed an SSRI and a benzo. I kind of wonder when I see people like this if they’re just inappropriately medicated.

      1. LOL this comment makes mine below sound inappropriately medicated. Which I don’t think I am!

        1. Haha I don’t think so! My experience on unneeded psych meds was that they hollowed me out a bit. I think because the SSRI was numbing, and the benzo was sedating, I was just sort of dragging myself through the day on some level. (If they’re appropriately prescribed, I assume they make people feel better and seem more like themselves!)

    2. Realizing that life and beauty is not a competition and that there is room for many lovely people without taking anything away from others brings a lot of confidence. Finding others genuinely beautiful and interesting, and the emotional and spiritual changes that come with a practice of gratitude for others is pretty attractive.

    3. If you want to age gracefully, start by being secure and confident in yourself instead of judging other women.

    4. I think a lot of it is a combination of attitude & confidence—being happy in your own skin & not taking crap from others/letting outside influences wear you down. Also a spirit of fun & adventure, which sometimes comes through in wardrobe/makeup/hair choices.

    5. Are you seriously asking about ‘aging’ from your 20s to 30s? Like thinking of that as ‘aging’ is the first thing that’s going to make you old and plain. Life is wonderful, awful, hard, amazing, sad, joyous and everything in between. If you worry about being philosophical about ‘aging’ between your 20s and 30s, you’re wasting mental energy that could be used for living (yes, even in a pandemic). Run your own race. If life is a marathon, your 20s is barely at the first water table. Take a breath and a long drink and keep going, there’s lots ahead.

    6. Getting out from under the thumb of an overbearing parent and finally having the autonomy and means to escape their near-cult religious world made a huge difference in my mindset. I imagine I come across as a vastly different and more gregarious person these days.

    7. In my 20s, I was freshly recovered from anorexia, super insecure, and trapped in a marriage with an extremely domineering and withholding man. I got divorced at 30, got a ton of therapy, and my life got exponentially better because I was happier and finally fully myself. Incidentally to that internal transformation, I got into various competitive sports so I got into really good shape; my confidence was higher so I started dressing better and I had the courage to try new hobbies. So yes, objectively, I looked better physically and was more stylish, but the real key was that I was finally happy.

    8. Interesting question. For me, it could be related to that being the period of life when I was stepping into a bigger job and was pregnant/had a baby/had a toddler and was sleep deprived and basically just trying to hold everything together. I’m sure I seemed exhausted, frazzled, boring, etc. I’m emerging from that and see how you could stay on a plateau or work hard to get in a different groove. That’s just my experience though.

    9. Maybe this is related to yesterday’s convo about people who like to talk about intellectual topics vs not? Some of my friends want to talk mainly about yoga classes and what they bought and home decorating, all of which are great topics, but different from the more philosophical things we used to talk about. I feel a little left out because, in large part because of my career, I just don’t feel like I’m at the same stage. Part of this is definitely that I’m like “oh we have the money to and are supposed to be buying things like expensive face creams?” Even though in reality I make about the same as them

    10. I think most women get more confident as they move into their thirties and that can translate to what you are talking about. Sometimes, however, women in their 30s are bogged down by childcare, career, caring for elderly parents, pressures of being “still single.” So it is just different for everyone based on their personality, temperament, life experiences. You can’t control this. Just don’t take yourself/life so seriously and focus on continually improving yourself- not physically, but in your efforts to be kind to yourself and others. That is always my goal- be kinder to myself, kinder to others. If you work towards that always, I think you will age gracefully on the inside- at least that’s my opinion at the still pretty young age of 36.

    11. Well, when I was in my 20s I deeply worried about what other people thought of me. I wasted so much time and money on my appearance/clothes/trying to fit in by being superficially entertaining. It was exhausting. By the time I reached my 30s I realized that the men/women who only liked make-up dress-up me tended to not be my good friends, or even… great people. I had matured and realized that I didn’t care as much what other people thought of me. I was successful and finally had some income coming in so I became more secure. I could dress/act how I felt comfortable and stop playing games. And fortunately I realized I didn’t have to have a man by my side to be happy. That was a revelation.

      Aging is such a relief! My 40s were the best.

    12. I’ve heard from so many relatives and friends that your 30s are better than your 20s. Not sure why (still in my 20s) but it sounds promising!

      1. I’m in my early 40s now, but every decade has been better than the previous one. My confidence has only increased, I have a much better idea of what I want and don’t want in my life and relationships, my career keeps getting better, I have more knowledge (both life and work), I appreciate myself and others more, I have stronger friendships (even though we may not see each other as much), I am a better person, better friend, better partner, etc.

        1. Love to hear that – that every decade has been better than the previous one. If I have one life goal, I think that’s it.

    13. I was insecure in my 20’s. I was still figuring out first what I wanted to do with my life, and then when I finished school, was figuring out how to make a career for myself. (I am a lawyer.) I had no idea what I was doing and was drowning in student loan debt on a public service salary. I wanted to feel loved after a shitty childhood and spent a lot of time trying to make myself desirable for men and also trying to bury all that pain with alcohol, drugs, and sex. What this really meant was I attracted bad men and had a serious of bad relationships and also too many one night stands.

      Now, in my late 30’s, I have built a career I love, got a handle on my student loans, finally quit looking for a man and that is when I met a good one and married him and had a couple kids. I can tell I am more confident in my interactions with people because I feel secure now– in my marriage, in my career, and just in who I am as a person. I think that makes me more attractive.

    14. I’m 40 now, but I was raising a baby and a toddler in my 30s and I was so tired and overwhelmed. My life was not very fun – every waking minute was spent working either at my job or at home. Constant exhaustion. My kids are 6 and 8 now, they’re much easier, and I feel great. I get enough sleep and have time to pursue my own interests.

      I think your question is judgmental FWIW. People are stressed and tired at different times of their life. Framing it as not ‘aging gracefully’ is unfair.

      1. Agree. I had a baby just before I turned 40. Now, at 42 with a 2yo I’m perpetually tired and overwhelmed: every minute is taken by my obligations to someone else. Objectively, I was much more interesting in my 30s when I had much more discretionary time to spend reading, partaking of my city’s arts scene, etc. I keep reminding myself that this is a phase of life.

    15. So this is physical, but I’ve become more confident, I guess is the word, in doing things to improve my appearance in my 30s. I get my hair dyed, which I’d wanted to do forever but didn’t for various reasons. I whiten my teeth, which I could have been doing in my 20s. I got cooler glasses that I’d wanted all along. It’s partly because I have more money but also partly because I just have the balls to go do it now.

    16. Idk I think some people just peak young. Others come into their own later on. I was always a 14 going on 40 kind of kid. I’m almost 40 now. The older I get, the more I feel like myself, if that makes sense?

    17. I think a lot of this is personality driven. When you are in your 20s, most of your peers are, on average, in the same “life stage” as you. When you enter your 30s, people’s lives diverge a lot more – some are married, some are single, some have kids, some are never having kids, some are taking care of their parents, some have awesome careers, some are working, some are in grad school, some hate their jobs and are trying to find a new career, some are starting over at the bottom of their career ladder, some are achieving the peak of their success, some are moving to new places, etc. etc.

      For some people, this is freeing – they feel confident and like they can finally do their own thing. For some people, this is a source of anxiety – they are constantly comparing themselves to their peers and wondering what they are doing “wrong” or feeling “behind” (as there is always something to be behind about).

      I’m in my mid 30s and have experienced both sides of this.

    19. I was always “interesting” in that I have a lot of interests and like hearing about what other people have going on in their lives. As I got older, those qualities became more attractive in people my age; when I was younger, I got along quite well with people older than myself.

      Time to get flamed: people who go the other way are often those who were dealt a great hand of cards but are completely unable to distinguish what is intrinsic to them and what is not. Youth is passing. Sexual attractiveness changes. If your parents are wealthy (of the “private high school and college” manner, not the “nesting yacht” manner), that gets you through young adulthood but after that no one gives a crap.

      I know multiple blonde, blue eyed, conventionally attractive women who went to private high school and expensive (not necessarily elite) who are completely confused that people stopped kissing their butts.

  9. I need an easy app to make for tomorrow. I have a half day tiday, so will make it tonight probably.

    I can cook, but I hate it so my skills are decent but not amazing. Thanksgiving will be small – just my parents and brother (who all live together) and me (I live alone, 20 mi utes away). My parents are not super adventurous eaters. I was originally thinking I’d make crab dip, but it seems to require a lot of random ingredients that I won’t use again. Was also considering baked Brie. Open to any suggestions!

    1. If you hate it, why bother? Pick up a cheese and crackers plate or a veggie tray with the dip of your choice and call it a day. Honestly — I rarely think anyone’s homemade food is THAT much better than anything I can buy at a grocery store (and not even a fancy one – just a regular one).

      1. Partially because I enjoy good apps and want something I like, partially because were a big app family so cheese and crackers won’t cut it, partially because I want to try cooking for others, and partially because my family (very annoyingly) has it in their minds that I don’t cook (I do!) and I want to prove them wrong. Nothing else about this holiday feels special so we might as well have some fun appetizers!

        My mom loooves crudité so I know she’ll have already made a platter.

        1. Baked Brie using the dough that comes in tubes that you whack open is super easy. Spread some fig jam (or strawberry, or raspberry) on top of the cheese before you wrap it in the dough and people will be so impressed.

          You could also sprinkle the tube dough with Parmesan and some spices (maybe Old Bay?) and make breadstick things.

      2. Late, but try gougeres from the recipe featured in the NYT earlier this week. Don’t do the baking part tonight. Leave that until tomorrow. If the recipe makes too many, keep the unbaked frozen gougeres frozen and then have these as dinner with a salad and glass of wine later.

    2. Bacon-wrapped dates or water chestnuts? Easy to assemble tonight and cook up tomorrow.

      1. Oh that is way too fancy for my family! I’m definitely the only one who has ever had a date (and I don’t like them)!

    3. Similar in concept to your crab dip idea, but way easier: artichoke dip. One 14 oz can of artichoke hearts, drained and chopped a bit, 1 cup of mayo, 1 cup of parmesan cheese. You can add some garlic, if you’d like. Mix together in a dish, bake at 375 for 20 mins or until hot and bubbly. Serve with crackers, pita, or sliced french bread.

      1. Lol the Mayo was the issue I had with the crab dip. Guess I should just suck it up and buy mayo !

        1. Wait, do you really not use mayo ever? I’m not a mayo person but I still keep a jar around for Sriracha mayo on sushi or garlic dip for pizza.

          1. I know that I eat things with mayo in them (mostly dips, where you can’t taste it at all) but I hate, hate, hate it.

            Since I’ve been in control of groceries , I have never once bought it! I never eat it on sandwiches, I hate aioli bc I can taste the mayo in it, I avoid sushi with spicy mayo and I don’t cook recipes that use it. I recognize that given my love of crab dip and artichoke dip, I definitely do eat it but a) I can’t taste it at all in the food and b) I can’t t think about it, otherwise I’ll stop eating those foods too!

            Weird thing is – I liked it as a kid!

          2. Not the OP, but I don’t use majo.
            Or ketchup. :)

            I love fatty things, just not this one a lot. I make slaw with vinaigrette, potato salad with olive oil,
            II ask for majo off, for sushi, and don’t use dips with pizza.

          4. I also don’t use mayo ever, and never have it in my fridge. And I have a lot of random crap in my fridge.

          5. It is not permitted in my house and I don’t eat foods such as tuna salad, crabcakes, dips, that might contain mayo. Not an allergy but a lifelong aversion.

        3. You can make mayo very easily! Eggs, oil, lemon juice/vinegar, mustard powder, salt and an immersion blender

      2. I did spinach artichoke dip last Thanksgiving and used a recipe that didn’t have mayo. There are plenty out there! It was easy and a big hit.

    5. Baked Brie is great and so easy. Stick it in pastry dough with jam or preserves on top and bake!

    6. David Leibovitz spicy nuts snack mix
      https://www.davidlebovitz.com/the-best-holida/
      Super simple, versatile and super yummy. Great nibble with the pre or post drink of choice.
      I just combine four cups of whatever I have on hand, today it’s GF pretzels, corn chex and pecans. BTW, GF pretzels are SO much better than regular. Happy Thanksgiving!

    8. Cheese straws: one box frozen phyllo dough, parmesaen cheese. Roll out phyllo, sprinkle heavily with parm, fold and repeat. Cut into straws, bake for 10 minutes, and you have a winner! Google cheese straws.

      1. This is typically made with puff pastry, not phyllo dough. Puff is much easier to deal with than phyllo. Phyllo wouldn’t form sticks easily and you’d have to brush each layer with butter or oil.

    10. Check out the Bon Appetit recipe for Dairy-Free Trout Dip. It uses almonds and water to make an emulsion that seems creamy like mayo but is not. It is kind of miraculous. As long as you have a good blender, I think you could sub that into your existing crab dip recipe if that is what you want to make.

    11. I make this roasted carrot dip all the time for parties and it’s always a hit. Even if you go super easy on the sriracha, it still has a ton of amazing flavor and dead simple to make. Although you do need a food processor. I serve it with some toasted pita bread. If you skip the yogurt on top, it’s also vegan.

      https://www.marthastewart.com/1124725/roasted-carrot-dip

      Another really easy, beautiful and fresh appetizer is slice up a Granny Smith Apple (or a pear), spread some goat cheese on it (or herby cheese spread), a leaf of arugula and then wrap a slice of prosciutto around the middle of it.

  10. I’m currently a senior associate at a small boutique firm and I’m speaking with two partners at a large state-wide firm in two weeks. The firm has an office in my city, but no one in my practice area. For many reasons I’m really interested in a move at this time and am very excited for an opportunity to work with new (more) people and be at a firm with more resources. (Examples – my firm has a very limited westlaw subscription — I would love not to hit those paywalls when conducting research, I also find myself referring out work that’s tangential to what I do and I’d really like to have colleagues in other practice areas).

    Looking for any tips, good questions, insights! TIA

    1. Highlight your expertise (which they need), and your desire to spread your legal wings in a diversified firm environent like theirs. You can also make sure they have a Westlaw account that you can use, noting you do not like to farm things out to other firms but do them yourself. Dress very conservatively, and wear little makeup (other then mascara). This way, they will see you mean busness. Talk about partnership track issues (how long, how much, equity vs salary, etc). Once they see you are a professional, and not just a pretty face, you will be able to shine. Good luck, and make sure to report back to us on what happened! YAY!

    2. Are they bringing you on as a partner or associate? Ask a lot of questions about partnership prospects. Some firms require you to be with the firm for X years before they’ll even consider you. I’d also be concerned about mentoring and sponsorship – you need someone to speak on your behalf, but if you’re a department of 1, who is going to do that?

      Where will your financial home be in the firm? Who is giving you work? Will you have a steady stream of work? Who will evaluate your work and tell others how awesome you are?

      Will you be joining the main office or a satellite office? You need to be able to interact with decision makers in the firm. If you’re in San Diego and the main office is in San Francisco, it’s going to be hard to do that. Are there important players in your office?

  11. Meghan Markle’s Op Ed in the NYTimes was so good. Highly recommend (CW: pregnancy loss)

    1. I read it this morning but didn’t find it that great. I don’t get the mishmash of politics, pandemic, BLM and miscarriage. It referenced all those issues without saying anything about them other than a perfunctory acknowledgment that they are hard to process and deal with.

      I’m also confused by her reference to miscarriage discussion being taboo though. I’ve experienced it and also discussed the experiences of friends, cousins, my sister (including a still birth). Pregnancy loss is enormously difficult but I don’t agree with her idea that it is taboo or not discussed. If anything I think it has become widely discussed in the last couple years.

      1. I’m glad you had an open and supportive community. It is still not the norm and something many women do not have.

        1. Why are you assuming my experience is not the norm and yours is? Just as one other easy example – it’s discussed frequently on the C moms page and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone comment in all the years I’ve been reading there that anyone felt it was ‘taboo’ like she says. In my world at least, it’s super common to know someone who has experienced pregnancy loss and have discussed it with them. Even DH has discussed it with a number of his buddies who have been through the same thing. And it’s commonly discussed in my twins moms groups as well. I just really wish she hadn’t called it ‘taboo’ because it makes it seem more like it shouldn’t be talked about, instead she could have referenced that many more people/celebrities are talking about it compared to years ago.

          1. I think it’s taboo enough that you often only discover a woman has experienced it once someone else opens up about it. My friend went through this a few months ago and was shocked by three friends who told her they’d been through it, too; they hadn’t shared that with her until she came forward about her own. I think many people still treat it as being intensely private, if not taboo. Similarly, if you were going through a miscarriage and needed to miss work because of it, would you be as forthcoming about the reason for your absence as you would if you were having outpatient surgery? I don’t think most women would.

      2. Also read, and I couldn’t find much substance in it. I’m very cynical about royals, as well as anyone who is only important because of who they married. But I think I’d have the same reaction for any celebrity who got a top-of-front-page Op-Ed in the NYT and didn’t really say anything in it.

        I am not being dismissive of anyone’s losses or of what’s going on in the world. I just had the reaction “…and?” to this piece.

      3. Agree about your first point. I didn’t get it overall.

        However, I thought speaking up about miscarriages was an important thing for her to do (i.e. showing that everyone’s lives aren’t perfect, even if you are in the best situation with access to all the best doctors in the world, not actively working, etc. you can still lose a baby).

      4. I think there is definitely still a stigma and some people don’t want to talk about it, or want people to talk about it as little as possible. My cousin had a very late stillbirth and my mom was SO unkind about the whole thing when we discussed it – basically a combo of “what did she do wrong” (nothing) and “she needs to get over herself” (no, she doesn’t). Also there is this overarching attitude that people need to do everything “right” during pregnancy and childbirth, and if you do everything “right,” you are guaranteed a perfect baby. That’s not how that works.

    2. I thought it was good as well but so many posters on another board I read seemed to think she was just trying to get attention, and also that it wasn’t well written. I kind of agree with the second part but I appreciate her bravery, especially as a fellow member of that particular club.

      1. I’m with you (and a fellow clubmember — hi!). I think that the more celebrities go on record for X, X has less of a stigma for run-of-the-mill typical people for when it happens to them. E.g., Sylvester Stallone was the first person I read about as having a child with autism, which I hadn’t even heard of then. This was decades before it was every commonly mentioned and was grateful that someone had gone on record and normalized it somewhat. Pregnancy loss is devastating and very common (can’t remember if it is 1 in 4 women or known pregnancies, but the rate is so high that people’s silence (often they are overwhelmed, not hiding it deliberately) is deafening once you realize it exists.

    3. I thought it was beautiful and, though admittedly not “intellectual” (ha), a nicely written piece. And I think the connection of so much loss and grief, all over the world and in so many forms, makes for a very easy link/thread.

      Also, sure, pregnancy loss has been talked about a lot in perhaps the past 2 to 3 years. But that is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things.

      1. I agree, I thought it was lovely. We’ve all suffered a lot of grief this year, either individually or as a community.

        I have a friend who moved here for work 2 years ago. She’s single and has no family living nearby. Since the pandemic started she’s been struggling to keep up at work, but neither her boss nor her coworkers ever call or email to ask if she’s OK or if she needs help. Because of that, she’s looking for a new job.

        I’ve had multiple miscarriages, and while I hate that others have to suffer, I do like knowing I’m not alone in this club. I appreciate it when celebrities announce their membership.

      2. Agree. It was nice. I agree with others that it could have been more clear and developed re the theme, but she’s not a writer, she’s a celebrity (yeah it’s in the NYT but it’s not there because of her writer cred). It felt geniune. And the point wasn’t miscarriage specifically so much as the importance of checking in on each other, a nice sentiment for the holiday season.

        Re miscarriage… I’m a member of the club also. I agree there is a bit of a taboo, partly because we don’t like to talk about sad and uncomfortable things in general. People tend to share happy things they are proud of and not difficult things they struggle with. The result (mostly unintended I think ) is that people assume everyone else has things perfect and easy. I don’t tell everyone about my miscarriages, but I don’t hide or shy away from it either. I have told all the nitty gritty details to my closest friends. It was surprisingly hard to talk about though. It revealed to me how shallow even some of my closest friendships were in some ways, how rarely we talked about hard stuff. But sharing it really strengthened those friendships, and made me feel better too- despite the fact that I am very introverted and not into sharing my personal life at all.

        So, I agree more celebrities have talked about this in recent years and I’m glad. I think social media has made this much easier. It is easier to write a story/post about it to share than to find the right words to discuss in a tv interview.

  12. How often do you get up to pee at night? Relevant to that question, how old are you, have you given birth to children, are you a drinker? I’m 42, have two young children, rarely drink and try to not have too much liquid close to bed time. Yet, I get up at least once every night to pee. Is this just aging? I am still working on strengthening my pelvic floor after my last baby but I don’t know if it’s that or just aging. Or maybe my husband wakes me up without me realizing it?

    1. I’m 40, sometimes drink a cup of water right before bed and never get up to pee. Two pregnancies (three kids – one set of twins), but I have done pelvic floor physio. In physio I also learned that you don’t want to be going every single time you have an urge, because that trains your body to go at the slightest urge. If you’re going a lot in the daytime, that could be training your body to go at night as well. Do a PF physio consult, even if only a video consult – you could get some good info on exercises that may help.

      1. Interesting. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve always gotten up once in the middle of the night to pee. I don’t drink and don’t really pay attention to my liquid intake at all. I’m now 40, have one child, and my one pee-trip per night is starting to turn into two. But if I’m awake, I always get up immediately and go pee, with the idea that if I’m not laying there thinking about having to pee, I can just fall back asleep. I never thought that I was training my body to need to pee.

    2. 40, two young kids, and in the last year have started to have to get up once a night to pee. I think it’s a combo of a weaker pelvic floor and that I am not sleeping as soundly, so as long as my body is awake, I realize I have to pee.

    3. I’m 31 and have never had children and I go to the bathroom generally once per night. I don’t eat or drink anything past 7pm.

    4. Same as you, 42 with two young kids and get up once a night typically. I def need to see a pelvic floor therapist either way but I think it’s pretty normal to get up once a night. I am not a drinker at all, FWIW. My DH also gets up once a night most nights.

    5. I am 36, have had 3 kids (youngest is 3). I got bed around 10:30/11 and pee before bed. I pee again when I wake up at 6. I don’t get up in the middle of the night to pee. However, if one of the kids wakes me up, I pee while up.

      I drink a lot of wine and water in the evenings. Just not super close to bedtime.

    6. I’m 35, never had kids, rare alcohol drinker (welllll… pre-covid, my alcohol consumption has ticked up considerably), avid water drinker. I usually wake up at least once in the night to go to the bathroom, but I’m bad about drinking a boatload of water shortly before bed. We have a soda stream, so sometimes I’ll split a liter of water with DH an hour before bedtime. I don’t feel that it disrupts my sleep, but I have no problem falling asleep, staying asleep, or getting back to sleep after getting up to go to the bathroom.

    7. I never get up to pee at night. I’m a terrible sleeper, so I don’t fall back asleep again if I have to get up in the night, so I treat this as a big deal. When I have had to wake up to pee, it’s always been blood sugar related for me.

    8. I’m 36, no kids. I drink a ton of water during the day and usually go hourly (when we were still in the office, I swear my secretary thought I have some kind of issue). By nighttime, I’m well hydrated and don’t really drink anything after dinner. I’ll go once before bed and then not again until morning. If I eat something really salty or drink alcohol, though, I’ll need to get up at least once.

    9. I’ve always gotten up to pee, but I also drink water before bed and whenever I wake up. I’m 37 and have one kid. I think I maybe drink more water now because I got used to it while nursing.

    10. At home, my husband is a rough sleeper, so I’m woken a bit and if I need to go, I will go. On my own, I will go 2-3 times per night but have no trouble getting back to sleep. Often, it is within a couple hours of going to sleep.

      It only became annoying when I started to go camping and either it was raining outside, very very cold, and/or very very far or I had sleeping kids that I was concerned about waking to a no-parent tent (now they know: mommy has just gone to pee). It is THE most annoying thing (so the beer around the campfire is just so not worth it now) and I barely even drink water at dinner (not good, but one or two nights of this a month won’t kill me if I am otherwise hydrated).

    11. 40, no kids, almost never get up at night. I eat dinner pretty early and don’t drink much in the evening. If I do, especially something alcoholic, I probably will have to pee in the night.

    12. OP here. Thanks for the comments so far! For some reason, it’s fascinating to learn everyone’s pee stats! :) Sounds like it varies person to person but could be related to aging and pelvic floor. I’ll talk to my PT about it.

      1. Any chance you could have sleep apnea? This was my #1 symptom (other than the exhaustion, of course!).

      2. If your frequency has changed or it is interrupting your sleep, definitely talk to your PCP! Increasing frequently was a sign of other important problems for me.

    13. Also 42, 1 small child. I drink a glass of water before bed every night and get up to urinate once a night. The alternative is to wake up once a night thirsty. I have to chose one or the other!

    14. I was just going to post this same question! I’m 48, no children, no overt peri- or menopause symptoms yet but over the las few weeks I’ve noticed an uptick. I chalked it up to WFH therefore sleeping at least an hour more each night (body can make it 6.5 hours without peeing but not 7.5-8?) and having easier access to water all day, so drinking more. Could be aging/sleep interruption too though, I never had any sleeping problems before the pandemic but now it’s not unusual to wake up in the night feeling stressed or anxious.

    15. Through my mid 40s to early 50s I was getting up at least once a night to pee. No children, no pregnancies. Oddly since I went off the Pill, I don’t get up to pee during the night anymore. I have no idea why this is.

    16. 28, no children, rarely drink. Get up 0-1 times per night. Really depends (although on what I have no idea–I find it random).

    17. I sleep like it’s an Olympic sport, so in my 30s and 40s I never woke up to pee. Slept through everything. Even went through 2 pregnancies without waking to pee. In fact, for my first pregnancy I woke up to pee and my water broke, that’s the only time I remember waking. I also had 2 c-sections so delivery didn’t cause any issues. Now at age 55, I do wake up once a night usually after partner wakes me when I’d rather not be awoken.

    18. 46, childfree, rarely consume alcohol (5-10 servings per year), very rarely get up to pee on a work day unless I’ve had a hot tea after dinner.

      I like to sleep in on weekends and vacations, so usually needing to pee is what naturally wakes me up, between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm.

  13. I just impulse bought a new bookcase, and it’s going to go on a blank wall which happens to be behind my WFH desk, so I will end up with the stereotypical zoom bookcase background. This will double my bookcase space, so it’ll probably be about 50% full for now. Any advice for organizing it? I want my copy of “Breasts and Eggs” in a prominent location, where everyone can see it, but other than that I’m open to anything.

    2. I have all of the Harry Potter books on my Zoom bookcase. It shows I am so much more then just a legal scholar, tho I do have Black’s Law Dictionary propping up other books. I recommend you get stuff you are familiar with, b/c people will ask, and you will sound dumb if you are not familiar with the books on your book case. I also have copies of Marie Claire Magazine there, which I never threw out. Dad says they are not worth keeping out, but that they might be worth something someday. Finally, I still have Sheketovitses Auditing textbook there. I do not know what it’s about, but it shows I am well rounded.

    3. Pick your pretty books and put them in a mix of standing up, laying down and diagonal. Fill in blank spaces with small plants, mini sculptures, framed photos or art, etc. I think Young House Love might have a post on styling.

      1. +1
        Also, people likely won’t be able to see the lower shelves, so concentrate the books you do have on the portions of the shelf you can see on camera.

  14. Does anyone have suggestions for how to be less nervous when speaking in small or large groups of people? In my new job I have to do a lot of “presenting” information, options, advice, etc. to other people in a relatively informal setting and it’s embarrassing that I’m so obviously nervous when I have these interactions. Part of the nervousness is that I’m not good at thinking on my feet so I’m often asked questions I should know the answer to but I can’t think through the answer on the spot. But even just introducing myself in a small group of people I know makes my heart race. I’ve been this way since I was young and I’ve done my best to compensate by being over prepared but it’s still clear that I’m nervous and it’s not always possible to over prepare for every meeting. How do I get over this?

    1. This is my speciality and I’m so glad you asked. The big thing to remember is public speaking is a skill, not something you’re either inherently good at or not. Since it’s a skill, you can get better at it if you practice thoughtfully. I find it helpful to think of people not as good speakers or bad, but people who’ve had a lot of practice and people who haven’t.

      For nervousness, I find the best thing is just more experience speaking and feeling like you’ve adequately prepared. If you do it enough, it stops feeling like a high stakes thing. For some things, like introductions, it’s possible to practice in front of a mirror or just out loud to yourself. For your intro, you can script every word you want to say and then just say that. Over time, you might find that your skills improve to the point that you memorize just the first sentence or two of what you want to say to get through the first part when nerves are strongest, and know that after you get started, you’ll be ifne.

      For things that are less predictable or longer than what you can practically memorize, again preparation is still important. Before each engagement, think about what’s likely to come up – what questions will people have, what additional topics might get mentioned, etc. If you know the substance of the key points you’re likely to have to talk about, you might feel more comfortable improving the actual speech.

      The last thing that I find really helps people is finding additional practice outside work. Our jobs don’t always give us enough public speaking opportunities to build strong speaking skills. I’ve seen people have really good luck with taking an acting class just for fun, an improv comedy class (this is extremely helpful for getting over nerves about thinking on your feet), joining Toastmasters, etc. This is all obviously tougher to do during pandemic. You might find virtual versions of these things, but you could also make good progress by seeking out more opportunities at work and working consciously on the things you’re hoping tor improve as these opportunities come up.

      For practicing consciously, the important thing is to set specific goals for each time you have to do public speaking. For example, maybe your goal is to speak more slowly (people who are nervous tend to talk really fasts) – focus on just that for a few times, and then add in a new goal like use a phrase like “I don’t have the answer in front of me, but let me follow up with you after” when you get asked a question you don’t know. Break it into parts and it will feel much easier.

    2. I’m still working through this. The recent HBR Women at Work podcast had an episode called “Too Shy to Be a Leader?” and it had some helpful parts I will try. A coach suggested to remind myself that in almost all scenarios the people I’m speaking to are on my side and want me to succeed. Starting with that mindset helps some.

    3. Practice, both doing that lots and also specifically saying “I don’t have the answer to that at my fingertips, I’ll get back to you later” or similar.

    4. Preparation and practice. The more you do this, the more comfortable you feel with it. I’m a trial attorney who used to have a fear of public speaking. It really only got better with repeated exposure (like most other phobias) and now public speaking doesn’t bother me much at all.

      1. +1 I used to be so afraid of public speaking that I would shake. I don’t know when it changed, but it was a gradual thing. Start small and work your way up. Start speaking up in meetings more. Doesn’t have to be anything big–just asking questions or offering input. Then start taking the lead of meetings. Constant practice day-in-and-day-out is what led to the gradual decrease in my fear I think.

    5. Practice- I’d recommend finding a low/no consequence way to practice public speaking and thinking on your feet. Toastmasters is a great organization for this. Or take an improv class. You’ll learn what happens when you take risks, and that when you fall on your face (as we all do, sometimes), you can pick yourself up and keep going. It really reduces the fear of public speaking to realize that- I’ve made a bigger fool of myself in front of more people than are in this room, and here, I’m going to be talking about something I really KNOW about! It becomes easier.

    6. Practice, training, meditation and if it’s bad, Beta-blockers. Even if it makes you feel awful, try to find more low stakes ways to do this a lot — Toastmasters, volunteer to present something at a team meeting that you don’t really have to, lead a brown bag, a church group, etc. The more you do it the more you’ll be comfortable. If your company would support you or even if they don’t, you could look for an executive presentations course. I have used Vautier Communications for this. Small tips – wiggle your toes in your shoes, don’t fear the pause, look directly into people’s eyes so it’s more 1:1 contact, when I get that “out of breath” feeling, I often do an audience question — like how many of you have ever experienced … or “what are some things you’ve seen in XXX.” It gives me a pause to get back on track. Since you mentioned the heart racing and that it’s been like this since you were little, I have heard people use Beta blockers for big things but I don’t have personal experience.

    7. Lots of practice. TBH what helped me the most is having numerous examples of “when things went totally, horribly wrong yet I did not get fired or lose credibility.”
      Similarly, +1 to improv.
      For some meetings, can you practice with a trusted colleague ahead of time? Bonus points if they throw “expected curveballs” at you (bc Susie from Accounting will definitely ask THIS type of weird question”).

    8. This is all good advice.

      I am not a great speaker, but have gotten better over time using the advice everyone wrote above. I also would “pretend” I was a person who was good at speaking, so it was almost like I was acting rather than speaking. It was calming because it wasn’t me up there in front of all those people, it was a person who is good at speaking.

    9. I am this way times 10. The only thing that helps Neider to the heart racing for me is beta blockers or Xanex. But I have a more extreme case in that I will often get panic attacks. Good luck!

    10. Toastmasters or similar is a great idea. MANY years ago, my law firm sent me to a public speaking course where I learned tips that I still used today. A few of my favorites:

      1. Pick one specific person at a time and make eye contact with that person while speaking (but not for so long it becomes uncomfortable — move around to different people in different parts of the room)
      2. Audience participation is great — ask a question and ask for show of hands (“how many of you have done X thing?)
      3. Ask a question, ask for show of hands, call on a specific person to answer
      4. If you know the crowd, call on a specific person without asking for volunteers
      5. If it’s a small group, ask a question and go around the table asking for short answers (“Have you ever done Z thing? Let’s go around the table and answer “yes” or “no.”)

      Somehow having a bag of tricks makes me less nervous. Good luck! You got this! (And thanks in advance to the people who are going to hate my suggestions.)

  15. Are there any petite readers who can comment on the fit of Barbour jackets, particularly the Beadnell Polarquilt?

    Also open to recs for similar jackets. What I like about the Beadnell Polarquilt: machine washable, pockets large and secure enough for phone, hip length, warm enough for 40 degrees, works with casual to smart casual outfits.

    1. Following. My favorite rain jacket is from Barbour. I’m short and busty and the jacket fits like it was made for me.

    2. I’m not petite, but if I had any complaints about Barbour jackets, it’s that the sleeves are a smidge short, so I suspect you may be fine.

    3. Love mine, I’ve had it for two years and worn it in rain and snow (okay, light snow). I’m 5’4”, 120#, the US 6/UK 10 fits great, the sleeves are a little long for me, but rolled up a notch just shows the pretty plaid lining, so it works out. Pockets are super as a purse replacement. I just bought the vest, and love that too. Highly recommend.

    4. Do they have petite sizes? I’m 5’6″ and my Barbour’s are a normal length or a bit long on me.

    5. My Beadnell is my favorite thing I own! I am petite, but busty + broad shoulders. I got a “puffer” from Barbour and the shoulders were super narrow and the ratio was significant enough that sizing up was comical at my waist (with shoulders still too tight), even though it was the same size as my Beadnell.

  16. Recommendations for noise canceling headphones that aren’t super expensive? Working from my parents’ home thru the end of the year and they are loud and dramatic, yet I still need to work. But because I’m not someone who uses these in daily life like on flights etc, I don’t want the top brand that sells for $200-300+.

    Also dumb question but how do these work? Like you put them on and hear nothing? Or hear white noise that lessens other sounds around you? Or do people use them to play music etc or do they not have the functionality to connect to your music, your phone etc?

    Second dumb question – I’ve heard people with kids say they use white noise apps for their kids rooms etc. Do these work similar to noise canceling or not at all?

    1. in very non scientific terms, they send out a signal that cancels out the noise that you hear frm the outside. bc of this they work great with background noise but not with say a person talking loudly right next to your ear. so my experience is they mute out like airplane noise, background outside noise, coffee shop noise really well. but if my friend is talking on the phone next to me her voice still comes through. i think a good more budget friendly option are the sony noise cancelling headphones from costco (WH-H910N).

    2. They don’t work that well for blocking out talking. It will probably just sound muffled. They’re great for blocking out background noise like the plane engines or the sound of the engine/road when you’re driving. I’m not positive how they work, but I think it might be the slight white noise method you suggested. I have a pair of Sony noise cancelling headphones which work fine. My mom’s Bose are better, but they’re the expensive ones you’re saying you don’t want.

      I would just get a pair of tight fitting earbuds with the rubber (?) tips and try those firts. In non-COVID times, I work in an open office with lots of people talking around me all day. When I really need to focus, I put both my headphones in with no music on, and it dulls the sound a lot.

      1. +1 Noise cancelling headphones aren’t going to make things silent, especially not loud and dramatic parents, they cancel out ambient noise. They really are a game changer for flying.

    3. I’m not very tech-savvy so I can’t really vouch for how good the features are relative to other similar products, but I was also in the market for the cheapest possible noise-cancelling headphones solely for trying to block out sound from other people in the house while working from home, and I’ve been satisfied with my “Taotronics” random brand of noise-cancelling headphone available on Amazon (~$49). They’re padded over the ear headphones with an active noise-cancelling feature that can be switched on, which cuts down background noise (like the rumble of the AC or engines). (Like at least one other commenter here, I also don’t know for sure how that works, but it probably is by using some very quiet/subtle white noise to cancel it out!)

      It’s able to connect to my phone by Bluetooth to play music. To drown out talking and similar sounds, I find I have to play music or something.

      1. I think the padded over the ear part is probably just as important for blocking out the kinds of noise that the noise cancelling features don’t do well with.

    4. The Anker Soundcore Life Q20 are $40-$60 on sale (which happens a few times a year) and I’ve found them to be decent. They don’t block out someone speaking at a desk next to you, but they can remove white noise from the background and kind of mute the sound of everything else. The Wirecutter has a good review of them compared with high-end noise-cancelling headphones.

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