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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 353 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Silk Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Short-Sleeve Silk BlouseI was perusing the lovely new dresses that just hit the racks at Brooks Brothers' Red Fleece line, and I then noticed the sale link. FORTY PAGES of sale items, and there's a lot to like. This silk blouse, for example, was originally $178 but is now marked to $53 — with lots of sizes left in blue and just a few lucky sizes left in the black. Some clearance items allow you to take an additional 25% off — this top is apparently not one of them, though. Short-Sleeve Silk Blouse Two options in plus sizes from Lafayette 148 New York are at Gilt and Saks OFF 5th. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    There’s a new series on transgender issues in the Economist if anyone is interested. It’s come up here a couple times lately and the articles seem pretty nuanced so far. Not linking to avoid mod but will come up if you google.

          • Anon

            Perhaps ask yourself why this is so important to you, being able to label other people rather than letting them label themselves and live their lives as they please. Why is it your business? Why is it important to you to stop them?

          • Anon

            No one is stopping them from living their own lives, but we’re all allowed to form our own opinions on published articles in one of the country’s most prominent newspapers.

          • Anon

            And you can just say hmm and move on. Saying “you are not a man. Your husband is not gay” is definitely telling someone else how to live their lives.

            You’re dangerously close to “my opinion is as important as your facts”

      • Anon

        Let’s not start the debate of what defines a woman versus not with respect to trans issues. That is a stroll into troll heaven and we shouldn’t feed them.

      • Anon2

        For clarification –

        Woman/Man = gender
        Female/Male = sex

        According to common trans identification, you can be a female transgender man (if you retain the parts you were born with).
        You can argue ideologically about whether or not you agree with this. But that’s the assumption the article works from.

        • Anon

          Woman = adult human female.
          Man = adult human male.
          Gender = societal norms, expectations, and hardships imposed hierarchically on juvenile and adult males and females.

          • Anonymous

            Who p!ssed in your cornflakes this morning. Why do you care? Their lives literally don’t affect yours. You just seem like a bitter jerk.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      In a community that is otherwise very “YMMV,” “good for her, not for me,” etc., the reactions around issues of gender identity I see here astonish me.

      • Anon

        That is because gender identity is a subject that affects everyone. For example, if we accept that men can legally “be” women, that affects the rights of all women to female spaces, including bathrooms, locker rooms, domestic violence shelters, women’s colleges, women’s sports teams, and women’s political positions. We all have every right to comment on whether nebulous, unverifiable personal feelings should supplant sex-based protections for women and girls, a legally vulnerable class.

        In this case, if we hear “see, men can get pregnant too!”, that means there is a risk to efforts to end pregnancy discrimination. If men can get pregnant too, then it’s not discrimination to not offer maternity leave to women – because it’s no more or less than pregnant men get. This is just one of many legal implications of changing “sex” to be “gender identity” in law.

        • Maudie Atkinson

          And here we go again with the TERF tyrade. Should have known better.
          The suggestion that trans people pose a risk to ciswomen because they’re acting on “nebulous, unverifiable personal feelings” completely ignores the reality of the lives of trans people.
          I don’t know what to tell you. This is clearly a topic on which your views are very entrenched. My only hope is that you’ll one day be in a position to exercise a sliver of empathy for a community that is (statistically and verifiably) much more vulnerable on nearly every front than the average woman.

        • pugsnbourbon

          It sounds like the protected category should be “pregnant” then.

          I agree with Maudie. I am the Mega Anon from a few months back whose husband had just come out as trans. She is transitioning, I call her my wife, and I love her more every single day. It hasn’t always been easy, but I am lucky to stand by her and watch her become a better, happier, more authentic person. More than once she has said how happy she is to become the person she knows she can be.

          I don’t claim to know everything about being trans and transgender issues. We know how fortunate we are to live at a time and place in which the majority of our friends, family and colleagues have carried on without missing a beat. We also know that there are many obstacles in our way. We just want to live our lives.

          • Maudie Atkinson

            pugsnbourbon, I’ve been reading (and commenting very occasionally) for years, and I have always enjoyed you.
            Just want to say that what you’re doing is brave and hard, and that I’m sending love and light to you and your wife. If you’ve got a burner e-mail, I’d be happy to be another source of support and encouragement for you and your family.

        • why

          so you think a trans woman shouldn’t be allowed in a domestic violence shelter? what is wrong with you?

          • Anon

            What’s wrong with you that you think vulnerable women escaping males should be housed with males? Do you have no compassion for how traumatizing it could be to share a bedroom and bathroom with someone biologically male?

          • Anon

            And to be clear, there should 100% be domestic violence shelters for transwomen. However, spaces that feminists fought for are not males for the taking.

          • Anonymous

            Trans women are not men. I actually work at a domestic violence shelter. Have you, Anon @ 2:29? If you worked in the field, you would know this is not an issue.

    • Anonymous

      I’m honestly wondering — with kids sports, what do you go?

      A daughter has a kid in her class who is now living as a girl (kid is biologically XY). They are at an age where puberty has begun to hit for the girls but the boys are noticeably faster and stronger.

      On our pool’s swim team, which events is it fair to swim in? I can see how the parents of the girls who are competitive swimmers have a point that when they go to qualify for city-wide champs meets, it is unfair to them to be timed in your meet against someone who doesn’t have the XX disadvantages associated with girls’ swimming (slower, less strong).

      We are at best heat winners (not event winners), so don’t have a horse in this race.

      FWIW, the child changes at home. This has been a thing though since the kid had a single-digit age (which strikes me as very young for this).

      • Anon

        There is a lot of talk with regard to sports competition where transgender girls, particularly those who went through a male puberty and/or are not on female hormones participate in sports. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. It is ignorant to say that the transgender girls don’t have a competitive advantage due to being born male (at least with respect to the ones who have the size and muscle thanks to puberty and not being on hormones). There are interesting law suits at hand. Not gonna lie if my child were playing basketball against a 16 year old transgender female who was not on hormones to equalize their build and size, I’d be extremely upset and move towards disqualification of that athlete – because at that point it’s just a male in a wig playing a girl’s sport and it’s just not fair.

      • Anon

        Both of the top two runners in the girls’ state championship in the state of CT are biologically male (and not on hormones, not that it matters). It’s unfair to girls.

        • Anon

          Wow, that is very weird! If trans man-to-females can take female hormones and compete with women, can women take androgens and compete with men? Or is this doping?

  2. Just Office Manager Things

    As my name would suggest I am an office manager and as such I often have to send around those “Hi Staff, Please don’t do X Stupid thing. Thank you, Management” type emails. Its just a whatever part of my job however today a staff decided it was really important to reply and tell me it wasn’t them… Of course I know who the culprit is but for the sake of politeness I need to enforce the rule for all. Rawr, sorry for my vent.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      That sounds so frustrating! Are you not allowed to address things like this with people individually?

        • Lana Del Raygun

          I meant talking to the people breaking the rules individually, so that non-offenders don’t get reminders of rules they’re already following and (more importantly) so that offenders know you’re talking to them.

        • Linda from HR

          If you announce something to a group, conscientious people will worry they might be the problem if they made one or two mistakes recently despite trying, and the actual problem people will figure it’s not about them, because their behavior might not be good but it hasn’t been “that bad,” or that the person sending the email doesn’t know it’s them and they can continue to get away with it. I’m not defending it of course, it’s super annoying, but it’s a thing – although that might not make sense to people who take responsibility for themselves.

          As the OP has said though, none of it is serious enough to call someone into an office to talk to them about, you can really only say something in the moment, and unless you want to hang around the office kitchen all day, the opportunity to do this might not present itself anytime soon, so an email does make more sense even if it’s not going to be 100% effective in stomping out the problem.

          • NOLA

            The director of one of the choirs I sing with refuses to address issues with individuals. She will complain about an “errant soprano” or a “wide vibrato” but won’t tell the person directly. She will sometimes even say “ask the person next to you if it’s you!” At one point, I asked the person next to me if it was me and she said it might be (!) so I asked the director and she said, no, it’s not you. I wish the person would come and ask me that. But of course that person is either embarrassed or clueless. I just hate that strategy.

          • Linda from HR

            Honestly, when I have been the reason for a “general” announcement, I knew I was the cause and it was embarrassing, because I figured others knew as well, and it was disheartening that they couldn’t just approach me, pull me aside, and talk to me privately. You could also make an announcement after the fact, so others don’t make my mistake, but talk to me first!

            That said, I had a somewhat relevant shower thought this morning. We all say we’d want to know if there was a problem, like if we smelled bad, but the reality is that telling someone this correctly (nicely, respectfully, etc.) involves a lot of emotional labor, even for people who are generally, genuinely nice people.

          • Just Office Manager Things

            Can I ask why you get to the point of breaking rules? For example I shouldn’t have to tell grown *ss adults not to let their sandwich crusts get moldy on their desks, or to wash dishes, or that their office snacks attract critters at night. But alas I have to play mom to seemingly competent people

      • Just Office Manager Things

        Its always petty things like not cleaning the microwave or finishing the coffee without making a new pot. None of it is “serious” and warrants a proper discussion, but we have the office rules for a reason.

        • Never too many shoes...

          The coffee is a never-ending battle at my office. We have one partner who will send emails to the entire firm about it.

          • Kat in VA

            This is where, honestly, Keurig comes in for the win. No one has to “remember” to make a fresh pot (as if they “forget” when they use the last bit and leave two tablespoons), no one has to reload grinds, clean out filters, fill with water, or anything else.

            Most people leave the K-cup in there, but that’s not a giant imposition to pull it and pitch it in the trash and replace it with your own…unlike coming into the kitchen, wanting a fresh cup, and of course there’s just those two tablespoons, merrily burning into the bottom of the pot.

            I know K-cups are more expensive, and they’re environmentally wasteful…there’s a tradeoff for everything. But having a Keurig cuts way, way down on the hassles of keeping a pot full, especially in a large office.

          • Just Office Manager Things

            Keurig is absolutely out of the question as an environmental organization. Even bringing up the topic would make me a pariah.

          • Anon

            What about a Keurig but with a few reusable pods and a big stash of coffee on the counter? Same concept, slightly more hassle (you have to dump out the previous grounds and scoop your fresh ones) but no more waste than a traditional coffee machine.

          • anonshmanon

            A Senseo machine would be a solution – single cup machine, but the coffee pods are basically like teabags, so compostable. It still is more expensive per cup than normal brew though.

          • Anonymous

            Hamliton Beach has a single serve coffee maker that doesn’t use pods – you just scoop it in to the machine. (Not necessarily addressing all the issues, but I hear you on the general email front. I always hated sending those emails when I was the admin.)

        • Anonymous

          But if you constantly have to send out those reminders, then it is a big deal, no? You’re spending a lot of time and energy on it.

    • Anonymous

      We get an email once a year about all of this: No pets in the office, no fish in the microwave, no flowers. Can you save them up for one blast?

      • Anonymous

        For some reason, I read this is people bring in their pet fish and then putting it in the microwave. And I was like, no, don’t do that, what is someone turns on the microwave!

        • Ginjury

          I read this the same way, like, why would someone put their pet fish in a microwave?!

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, it’s not fun having to send those emails…

      Try not to take the response personally though. To some (defensive) folks, those emails come off as an accusation even if they were not intended to be. Or maybe the sender had a bad day. Or maybe they themselves are so irritated by the person who has been seen breaching the rule that their email is the only alternative to being labeled the tattle tale….

      It’s so fun how it’s the small things that are the most irritating.

      Take a deep breath. Office manager positions are known to receive more complaints than compliments regardless of how hard you try!

  3. coverup

    Hey all!

    I am embarking on a new phase of life: mom who has to drive kids across town to go to the swimming pool. Yay! I’m looking for some sort of coverup (to avoid bringing a full change of clothes along (the kid-related schlepping of multiple towels, snacks, and sunscreen is already a bit overwhelming) for me. I have one, but it is really a beachy thing [tunic-type shirt that is barely butt-covering] and too short / with really high slits to feel comfortable with the inevitable pumping of gas / going to the grocery store (where I will always run into a client or someone from work).

    I found one cute thing on cabanalife dot com and have done a bit more unsuccessful clicking (things are either too casual/revealing or are something like what Mrs. Roper on Three’s Company would wear).

    We have a family vacation coming up where I’d also want something like this (would need to be driving a golf cart to/from the beach, perhaps eating en route, playing minigolf, or getting ice cream).

    Any other suggestions?

    It seems that I’ve lived for decades with either wearing clothes or swim clothes but not this nether of not-at-beach-and-not-yet-changed. [And for city people having babies in close-in walkable locations: if you stay, you may find that swimming pools tend to be further our where families are more plentiful and land is cheap enough to build swim clubs. I imagine that the golf/country club people know this already, but it has been a learning curve for me.]

    • Never too many shoes...

      What about just a cotton, t-shirt type dress – like something from Old Navy? Washable, easy, cheap, lots of colours.

    • Cb

      Shorts and a lightweight button up tshirt? It’s uncharacteristically sunny in Scotland and this has been my mom uniform for the past week.

    • anon

      Whatever you do, get something black or patterned, which hides the inevitable water marks on the b00bs/rear a lot better than other colors. This is especially important if you’re throwing it on over a damp suit.

      I would avoid cotton altogether. I never wear my cotton t-shirt coverup because it takes so long to dry out. I’d get one of those athletic-type dresses from Prana. Many have built in bras and hit just above the knees. I have one that’s 5 years old and going strong.

    • Linda from HR

      I don’t have any good suggestions, but I feel your pain, finding a good beach coverup is hard!

      I try to find ones that at least cover both my shoulders and thighs (chest would be great too but apparently that’s asking to much) so they’re protected from the sun, and so I don’t feel so exposed on my way to or from the beach. I have one coverup from ModCloth I bought like 4-5 years ago, and enjoyed the length of it although the style is a bit hippie-ish, and after years of wear and tear it’s finally on its way out, so I bought two new ones from Kohls this week. They were on sale, I don’t know if they are anymore, but it’s worth checking out. I made a point of finding some that would at least hit mid-thigh, knee length would be ideal but that’s hard to find.

    • Scarlett

      I like Emerson Fry’s caftans, they’re expensive but mine is going on 5 summers now

    • Anonymous

      Lands End has coverup dresses made of swimsuit material. Also, if you are wearing cotton you might consider keeping a second bathing suit top in your tote so you can put a dry one on. Nothing worse than a wet cotton chest that never dries out.

    • Minnie Beebe

      I have a pair of linen-blend elastic waist pants from Old Navy that work great as a beach coverup (with a t-shirt, natch), as long as your swimsuit isn’t too wet. Personally, I prefer pants in most circumstances, since I HATE the feeling of my thighs sticking together; after a day at the pool/beach, I’m ready for pants!

      • Aggie

        I really like Athleta’s Serenity Romper for this. I feel less exposed with shorts versus a flowy/sheer caftan

      • Torin

        Was going to suggest them. They have a bunch of “swim dresses” in quick-dry fabric that would likely be more comfortable than cotton, which will stay wet awhile.

    • anon

      It may be worth trying Target, although I find a lot of theirs are sheer, which, in my mind, defeats the purpose of a coverup. But if you happen to be there, it’s worth checking that section.

      I also agree that finding the perfect coverup is really hard! Sometimes a t-shirt and athletic shorts works too.

    • Alana

      +1 to a quick-drying athletic dress with no cotton. I wear one when traveling to and from the pool. It has pockets! The advice about wearing a pattern is also good.

      • Anonymous

        I have a Boden tunic in the prettiest print. Or, rather, had. It just never worked for me — too long to work as a tunic / shirt, too short to be a dress or cover-up. It would be a shirt maybe for a slightly taller person. On its way to my tweener niece, who has no hips, so should be perfect for her (or some lucky friend).

    • Kat in VA

      Lands End, despite their “frumpy” reputation, has several different types of coverups in different necklines, lengths, and even fabrics (some cotton, some gauze, some swimsuit-type material)!

    • Anonymous

      I have some swim shorts from Lands End that I really like for this purpose. I have coordinating swim shorts, a bikini top, and a rashguard, and end up using the set all the time because it’s so multifunctional. It was perfect when we were just on vacation – I could hike, dive into a waterfall, and then dry out all without dealing with changes of clothes. The sheer amount of swim stuff required for small children wears me out sometimes, so it’s nice to have my stuff be very simple.

    • Anon

      I feel like I finally figured this out for vacation this year, as we were driving all Kauai going from beach to lunch to beach to beach to dinner.

      2 piece swimsuit with bra top
      Rash guard 1/2 sleeve tee
      Swim shorts
      A dress – either a button front linen dress or a t shirt dress, depending on which was clean that day
      Soft cotton bike shorts (for chub rub)
      Flip flops (actually mine are Birkenstock Mayari)
      Hat

      I wore the rash guard and swim shorts at the beach for sun protection. I’d change at the trunk of the car or the changing room/bathroom if the beach had one from the rash guard and shorts to the dress directly over the 2 piece swim suit. If we were going to be walking a bit I put the soft cotton bike shorts under my dress because it was hot and humid and I do suffer with chub rub.

      I felt like i had everything I needed in my tote and it worked out well.

      My dresses are navy blue and that worked well enough for my slightly damp swimsuit. It was so hot that my suit dried quickly anyway.

    • Jules

      Old Navy V-neck slub cotton t-shirt dresses, in black to avoid the water spot issue. I just bought a couple and use them as nightshirts, and I totally would wear them to the beach.

    • Mott 50 fan

      Mott 50 makes adorable sun protective dresses. I wear mine with shorts and tie up the sides too, but particularly love it as a post-swim coverup. Spendy, but I found a few on poshmark.

  4. Anonymous

    I love the look of white bedding but ours just keeps getting dirty. I’ve been better about washing my face, but somehow it’s always sort of dingy (three kids? husband who works outside?). So it’s time to replace.

    Do y’all have white and just wash it more frequently? Do you bleach it? Does bleach really turn stuff yellow-ish or is that just in my head? Our current one has a coral rim around it. Can you bleach something if it has some color on it, or should I go full white?

    • Carrots

      Try using Oxi-clean and white vinegar. I use oxi-clean with my shirts that are patterned with a white background and haven’t noticed a diminishing in their color, but the white stays crisp.

    • Anonymous

      +1 to oxiclean. I wash my sheets about once every week or so – they don’t get dingy, but they soften up from skin oils and aren’t as crisp. But it’s just me and my oils so maybe I can go longer between washes?

    • Anon

      TBH I was in this same situation, and some things still are evident even without bleach (hello oily anything) and sucked it up and went to a patterned cream instead. Oxiclean, the non stark white, and the pattern hide pretty much everything.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Bleach will increase yellowing from sweat (which is probably what’s turning your sheets dingy) and other protein stains, so try Oxyclean! I’ve also heard that hanging them to dry in the sun makes a big difference.

      • nutella

        Yes to all of this. I grew up in an only-white-linens family. You are supposed to wash the sheets first before you bleach them (no fabric softener on that run, either). Sunshine really does work well but if you don’t have that kind of access, OxyClean and Vinegar are also superstars.

    • Anonanon

      Oxiclean White Revive is much better than regular Oxiclean. At my store, I find this near the bleach (though it is not a bleach, it is color safe) and not next to the regular Oxiclean. Also, use White Brite bluing every one in a while.

    • Anon

      We have a white duvet that gets washed once a month or so, but we tend to do dark sheets (navy or purple) and I have a navy quilted coverlet that covers the end of the bed where DH likes to sit and take his shoes off, etc.

    • Anon

      We bleach ours. Everything is solid white. The sheets are 800 thread count Pima cotton from overstock (highly recommend) and the duvet cover is 100% cotton from Ikea.

      Bleach is fine on 100% cotton and will not yellow. Don’t use it on items that include polyester or other synthetics.

  5. For coverup

    How about the Oceanside beach pants from Roxy with a t-short or tank top? Or a t-shirt dress.

  6. Baconpancakes

    Anyone buy a sofa from Joybird? We’re looking to replace the collapsing guest bed in our office/guestroom/den with a sleeper sofa or a futon, but I’m very wary of buying sofas without sitting on them.

    • Scarlett

      No, but I did get one online from Article and it’s the most comfortable thing I’ve ever sat on. Look is similar and they’re also reasonable.

      • Pompom

        Can I ask how it’s holding up? Does it feel better made and constructed than your average store-bought sofa?

        I’m all about Joybird and Article, but everyone’s reviews are so positive, and *new*! Like, my old store-bought couch was also great for the first 2 years, too…by years 3 and 4 it was terrible.

        I want to know that if I’m investing a bit more into a better-made sofa like these, it’s going to last a bit.

        • Mpls

          Honestly, for the prices I was seeing I’d be looking at something like Room and Board anyway. In part because I actually have a store local and I can sit down and try things (Seat height and depth is a big thing for me). Bonus that a lot of their stuff is US-made (and instate for me) too.

          • Mpls

            Finish the thought – and they’ve got more run time with their products as well, so there’s more information on how they’ll wear, even if you are having to buy online (because they aren’t local).

          • Baconpancakes

            Room and Board queen sofa beds are $2800, and you can easily get a Joybird for $1700 with coupon codes, so I’m not sure if I’d classify them in the same cost bracket.

        • Scarlett

          So far so good – it’s about a year old now & looks brand new. I got the green velvet one. That said, we aren’t super hard on furniture (no kids or pets to mess it up). If you go that direction, podcasts almost always have coupons for them. I’d get another one in a heartbeat. I also was able to try it out ahead of time – one of friends had one so I fell in love with it in person.

          • Pompom

            Thanks to you both! We’ll keep them on the list, and add R+B back onto the list.

      • Anon

        Also have an Article couch (leather sven sectional) and one year in it looks and feels as cute and comfy as the day we bought it.

    • Minnie Beebe

      I’ve got a pair of armchairs from Joybird, and the cushions are very comfortable. They’re a fairly recent purchase, so I can’t say how well they’ll hold up, but so far so good. My cat loves to curl up on them, and she’s a picky b-word, so that’s saying something.

    • Another anon

      Yes, it looked exactly like I thought it would, is quite comfortable, and I haven’t had any issues with wear. The delivery process was also super easy.

    • LAJen

      I haven’t used Joybird, but I bought a sofa and coordinating armchair from La-Z-Boy about 6 years ago and they both still look brand new. They were custom made to my specifications, but I could still go into the store to sit on things and look at frame/fabric/wood feet/pillow options. The sofa is a regular sofa, not a cheesy old 70s-style recliner couch, and the armchair looks like a fancy wingchair but is actually an extremely comfortable recliner (the reclining part is hidden). I bought them in bright teal with fun coordinating throw pillows and I still adore them.

  7. Scarlett

    Hopefully fun question, help me plan a one night overnight/almost day trip from Paris in the fall – I’ve done Giverney and Versailles so looking more in the Burgundy region but I’m not sure where to start. Originally was thinking just a day but we have time and I’d like to one night away. Any ideas?

    • Anon

      I’m in Paris now and just did an overnight in Reims/Epernay (champagne region). Super-fun, plenty of great champagne, and Reims was the medieval seat of France (all of the kings were crowned there for years), so there was tons of history in the museum and the cathedral. We took a cathedral roof tour and you get to be right up near the gargoyles, walk all over the roof, and see what was reconstructed post WWI. Very cool. Highly recommend.

    • Hi Hi Hi

      I would make the drive and spend the day at Mont Saint-Michel. I would drive to a place nearby the night before so you are there in the morning, though.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        If you want to do Burgundy, you can take a train to Dijon – cute historical town with a pedestrian downtown, shops and good food. Visit the original Maille (mustard store) and the Chateau des Ducs de Bourgogne. If you want to do vineyards you will need a car, although there may be some sort of group tour you can take (I think there even are biking tours if that’s your thing). Beaune is also lovely and in the heart of the vineyard area (small town, but fine for a day, the Hospice de Beaune is a beautiful world heritage site and there is a great farmer’s market on some days).
        Other ideas: Loire valley castles, Normandy and D-day beaches, Mont Saint Michel as noted above. For a shorter trip, rent a car and visit Fontainebleau and Barbizon for the day (castle, lovely hikes in the forest, Barbizon is a cute town that was an impressionist hangout).

    • Ms B

      Burgundy is something of a schlep, plus you would need a car or a driver to get around there and Burgundy wineries (at least the better ones) are not like the Napa Valley or even Champagne where you can just show up and taste. Burgundy appointments (at least the better ones) can be hard to come by, especially if the vignerons are busy.

      What about Reims? See the Cathedral, the Palais du Tau, maybe the Musee des Beaux-Arts and then cab or car over to Pommery and Demoiselle for tastings. If you are looking for a hotel, the Domaine les Crayeres is supposed to be lovely.

    • Scarlett

      Thanks so much everyone! The Reims idea is sounding awesome – any particular places (B&B/hotel, etc.) you stayed the night & liked?

      • Ms B

        We were on a barge cruise and stayed the night on the boat, so we did not have to deal with lodging in town. If you are feeling spendy, there are several Relais et Chateaux properties in the area or try Karen Brown’s Guide for something more reasonable.

  8. Anonymous

    My friend started casually seeing a new guy. He doesn’t want to ever be monogamous, she wants a husband and babies yesterday so it’s never going anywhere but if she wants to have fun great. I met the guy for the first time earlier this week and he strikes me as an insecure manchild. He apparently liked me. Friend asked what I thought of him (aside from the monogamony thing) and I said something like meh you can do better.

    Friend and guy went out one night, had a crazy night, then spent the next day together. She was hungover and sleepy. He kept pestering her for more s*x and she said no. Repeatedly. He resorted to gaslighting her –
    what you don’t like s*x? He then commented that she doesn’t seem to like doing [act] and she confirmed no she doesn’t like that. He said, well this other girl I’m seeing REALLY likes it. He then made an innocuous excuse to go to her bedroom – change a lightbulb or something – then asked her to look at it and make sure it was ok. She did and he said, well as long as we’re here…. She finally kicked him out and he whined some more.

    I’m appalled by this whole interaction. Do you not understand the meaning of consent? When pestering, nagging, and begging don’t work you resort to manipulation? It’s all so disrespectful and more than a little scary. I told friend all of this, that she should run fast away from this guy, he’s a bad person. Friend thinks I’m overreacting. Like what’s going to happen the next time she’s drunk and can’t fend him off? He doesn’t even take no for an answer, I wouldn’t expect him to take silence as a no. To top it off this guy’s a professor, I’m so disgusted that this man has access to young women. Idk if there’s anything else I can do here?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know that there is anything you can do, but this is awful and you are completely right. I’m so sorry that your friend doesn’t see this.

    • Anonymous

      Huh? This is so not your business not your problem. Do nothing. Back away from your friend with regards to this. She can handle herself.

      • Anonymous

        It’s not in her ability to fix this, but … what? She is (rightly) deeply concerned for someone she cares about. That’s what friendships are.

    • Anonymous

      You’ve done everything you can do by pointing it out to your friend. She may not have agreed with you in the moment, but it at least planted the seed. Somethings you just have to learn be living them, unfortunately.

      But – don’t keep harping on it. Keep being her friend (if you want), but only talk about ManChild if she brings him up.

    • anon

      I agree with you that it is appalling and that guy was acting horribly. You did your part by telling your friend so now it’s up to her. If it were me, I’d probably also decline invitations to hang out with both of them.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      You’re totally right and he’s terrible. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s not ready to hear that, and if you keep bringing it up she’s liable to get defensive and dig her heels in. I would tell her that (a) I’m not going to keep harping but (b) I’m always here for her if she needs/wants help, and then if she tells you about things like this in the future don’t criticize them, just ask her how she feels about it. Ugh and (conditional-upon-consent) hugs.

      • Kat in VA

        Honestly, this guy sounds like a predator testing boundaries to see what he can get away with. I agree that not pushing it is good, but the next time something skeezy like this comes up, OP can gently suggest that people who care about you and want you to be happy don’t consistently push the boundaries or try to force you to do things that you don’t want to do.

    • Linda from HR

      I totally respect her wanting to just hang out and have fun with this guy for a bit, not everyone you date has to be a potential life partner, but this guy doesn’t sound fun! He sounds like he’s nice to look at and eat with, but a lot of his behavior in regards to s*x sounds exhausting to deal with, even if she’s successful in holding her own, it could still wear on her and eventually lead her to question whether her boundaries are “fair” or whatever, which wouldn’t be good.

      If you voice a concern, tell her that it’s fine to date someone who doesn’t want the same things long-term, but you’re concerned about his manipulative behavior in the bedroom, and it sucks to see her going out with someone who doesn’t seem to respect her.

    • Anon

      That guy is disgusting and you should do anything you can to help her see that. You can guarantee that he r*pes women.

    • Anonymous

      Not your circus, not your monkeys. You need to seriously back off or you’re going to lose your friend. Be there and be supportive, but if you keep nagging her about how awful this guy is, she’s going to drop you.

  9. Intermittent Fasting

    Okay, I think I’m ready to dip my toes into the IF waters. I see so many people here who have adapted really well, and not gonna lie, losing 10 lbs without too much effort is really appealing right now. I eat super healthy, but I think too much. Plus too little activity with long hours, sedentary job

    (Note: Not worried about disordered eating – I have seen some comments that IF=disordered eating. Don’t agree – just looking for advice on how to start).

    For the IF vets, what book or other resources did you read (if any) before starting? Any recommended sources of information?

    And, did you start cold turkey? Or (probably more my style): start slowly, i.e. pushing back my first meal to as close to noon as possible (i’m going to try noon to 8) and then having something super small to tide me over – maybe a hardboiled egg? Spoonful of peanut butter?

    Do you make any changes on days you have a morning workout?

    Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      I’m interested in this too, esp. your last comment. I’d like to try IF but skipping breakfast isn’t compatible with my workouts. Lifting heavy things + feeling lightheaded is not a good combination. I eat a little something before the gym and a big breakfast after. Maybe I should have a big snack around like 4 and skip dinner?

      • anon

        I’m a runner and can’t imagine trying IF. I work out in the early AM, and making sure I’m hydrated and well-fueled is already a challenge. If I don’t eat within 30 minutes or so of a hard workout, I also start getting lightheaded.

      • IHHtown

        +1 the key is to make IF work for your lifestyle, that’s why there is no set time of day or meal you skip, or even a specific number of hours to fast. I work out in the evenings, so skipping breakfast is a no brainer for me. If I’m super hungry I allow myself a chai latte (all sugar free) to get a little caffeine and a little almond milk to settle the hungries until lunch, a handful of almonds if terrible. IF by starting at noon, especially if you work starting at 8 is only delaying eating for 3 or so hours, so it doesn’t take much of an adjustment.

      • Anonymous

        I did IF when I used to train in the morning. Black coffee on the way to the gym followed by 5/3/1 or whatever program I was on at the time. I adapted — not everybody will necessarily, but it can be done if that’s what you want!

    • Anonymous

      I was already not eating breakfast until 10 or so, so it wasn’t too hard to push it back later. But I could see how maybe slowly pushing back your first meal of the day could be easier if you are one that has to eat super early. I really like doing IF for multiple reasons, but I haven’t experience any great weight loss with it.

    • Housecounsel

      I started cold turkey. I am a huge fan of IF and I do the 12-8 schedule. The hardest thing for me was giving up my morning latte. My morning caffeine source is now green tea, and this gets me through workouts, too (I don’t work out all that hard, though, to tell the truth). I just listened to a Jillian Michaels podcast in which she recommended half a banana plus coffee before an early morning workout so you might try this, although it seems the egg or PB would be better for satiety.

      It helped to distract myself as much as possible and be as crazy-productive in the morning as I could. As for disordered eating, I have a bad history of that, but IF helps, not hurts. I don’t really restrict what I eat between 12-8 so the guilt is gone.

        • Badlands

          Go to dinner at 6;30 or 7? I mean, you can be social without putting things in your mouth. Is it really that unfathomable?

          • Anonymous

            Oh I forget people eat that early! My friends always make dinner reservations for 8, that’s when dinner is served in their homes etc. stopping by 8 would really be disruptive. I mean even my work dinners start at 8. Not to mention that’s when I get home!

          • Anonymous

            I find myself really bemused at the idea of a whole social/work circle where everyone’s normal dinner time is 8p or after. Where do you live?

          • Anonymous

            I mean the experts have been saying for years that you should stop eating by 8. Plus if you have to be at work by 9, idk how you can go out to dinner at 8 and still get 8 hours of sleep.

          • Badlands

            I’m baffled by your bafflement :) I mean, I usually eat dinner around 5 or 6 after work (at home, not out). And most places in my area wouldn’t need a reservation after 7.

          • Anonymous

            Anon – I’m guessing there is a whole bunch of people that go to dinner before 7:30 (unless restaurants don’t even open until then?) in NYC – just maybe not in your circle.

          • Anon

            That’s BS. I worked and lived in NYC for several years and we always went out to eat after work – 6:30 or 7 – and the restaurants were full. Not full of tourists. Don’t be so myopic.

          • Housecounsel

            I guess I am old and suburban but it has been years since I made dinner reservations for 8 or later.

        • Anon

          The best thing about IF is that you can push around the hours of fasting to accommodate planned outings, things in your schedule etc. But also, I think people that work late forget that 6:30 and 7:00 pm are perfectly normal dinner hours for people that get off at 5 or 6.

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s hilarious that you are in such a bubble that you can’t even fathom people having different lifestyles from you.

    • Intermitten Fasting

      OP here: thanks for responses! I generally work from about 7 a.m. to 6 p..m.; get home about 6:30 or 6:45.
      So I think my goal will be to make my 8 hours from 11:30 to 7:30. That gives me 3 hours between last meal and bed, which helps me sleep better. I am going to start slowly by delaying any food until as late in the morning as possible – likely ten a.m., then have a very small snack – and then eat lunch at 11:30, which is perfectly normal in my company and town (midwest). This does mean I have to eat pretty much as soon as I get home, but this is something I generally do anyway, as I am starving, and do a lot of cooking on the weekends to have some good choices ready to heat up (lots of soups, salads, grilled chicken and steak, quiche, etc). Really looking forward to finding out if it has the same benefits for me as I have read about – not only weight loss, but mental clarity and energy. Could always use more of those.

      • IF fan

        It’s definitely worth giving a shot! To answer your questions, I highly recommend reading Dr. Fung’s Obesity Code. Reddit also has a great IF page for beginners to help you with the basics. There is also a very intense but extremely helpful page called lean gains (one word) in which the founder has a lot of great articles on the benefits of IF, how to start, etc. He also advocates working out in the morning and not breaking our fast until noon (or later).

        Personally, what works best for me is eating between 1:30/2 pm – 8:30 pm. Sometimes I eat dinner by 7 pm, so the window is even shorter. I went cold turkey, but I broke my fast earlier, around 12 pm. I drink black tea in the morning (and now that I have been doing this for so long, I cheat and add milk). I eat a hearty late lunch, a snack around 4 pm, and then a hearty dinner. I work out in the evenings, almost always to a 25 minute Fitness Blender video. Then I relax and go to bed.

        The most immediate benefits were the weight loss. I had 8-10 pounds I couldn’t lose after having my second kid, no matter what I did. That weight melted off within 2 weeks. I also added strength training for the first time, and my physique has changed for the better, so much so that I think I have a better figure now at 40 than I did when I was 25.

        I eat chocolate, drink wine, all that good stuff. I don’t think of this as a diet at all, and it’s super easy for me.

        Also, I love how IF is so flexible. If you go out with friends and eat a later dinner, that’s absolutely fine. You can always break your fast at a later time the next day, or break your fast at the usual time and just chalk it up to having fun. No big deal.

        • Miss

          Definitely read Obesity Code. It explains IF and helped me stay motivated. I didn’t transition into it and it took a few weeks before I was used to fasting. But it’s easy to follow and I lost weight that I’d been struggling with for a while.

      • Coach Laura

        I’ve had good results on IF. I’ve read that less than 80 calories is not considered “Breaking a fast” so I drink black tea in the morning with Truvia and about a half-ounce of non-fat milk (a fluid ounce has only 10 calories).

        If I’m dying of huger I have two egg whites (take the yolks out of hard boiled eggs) which are 17 calories each but that’s not often.

        I have occasionally worked out while fasting but I’d rather work out in the afternoon or evening.

        At work I drink only green tea without sweeteners or milk. I love Lipton green tea which has natural flavors of orange, passionfruit and jasmine.

    • Anonymous

      For what it’s worth, I did IF on a 18:6 plan for a month and lost exactly zero pounds.

      • Anonymous

        I did a month of IF with my block being 12:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. and lost zero pounds. It just didn’t work for me.

    • Anon.

      Not sure if it’s too late for OP to see this, but I thought I’d try. I have been doing IF for about a month now. I am a person who needs to eat breakfast. I had tried not eating in the morning, and it did NOT work for me. So I changed my times for IF to 8:00 am until about 3:00 pm. So basically, I eat while at work. I pack my breakfast, snacks, and lunch, so I know I am eating semi-healthy food. Then I don’t eat the rest of the afternoon or evening. It has helped me lose weight. I did not exercise the first week because my body was getting adjusted to it, and I just could not manage it. What I found was that I was not really hungry at night. I was more thirsty and eating junk was simply a bad habit. The toughest day was on the third day. One of my colleagues had forewarned me about this, so I was prepared to stick it out. Then after that, it got easier. I have put back in cardio workouts 3x a week now in the evenings. As long as I drink plenty of water it’s fine. I am very happy with the benefits: better fitting clothes, weight loss, less heartburn, and better sleep.
      I would recommend adjusting the times that fit your schedule and lifestyle. It is doable.

  10. Skin care help needed

    Since entering my mid-40’s, I have hormonal acne around my chin (and occasionally elsewhere on my face). I’ve tried BB cream with salicylic acid as well as Rx Onexton, but they didn’t help. Any recommendations? Thanks!

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I also started sprinolactone in my 40’s. It got rid of my hormonal cystic acne. I still had some smaller non-cystic ones, so my derm started me on a retinoid topical too. Acne free now, for the first time since I was 13. Unfortunately, my derm told me I will probably have acne life long, if I don’t treat this way. Stinks…

    • anon in chicago

      I had the same problem for years – all of my acne completely went away using COSRX salicylic facewash + toner pads. It was almost instantaneous and I wish I had found this years ago – I’ve tried so many different options and this was a simple and cheap cure.

      • Anon

        +1 – for me it’s dairy (even butter), but for you could be something else!

    • Em

      I started getting severe acne on my cheeks, chin, back, and chest at the beginning of this year after I went off birth control. I tried a ton of things for months and nothing worked, and decided to try Paula’s Choice extra strength CLEAR regimen as a last resort before hitting up my dermatologist. My acne is 90% improved. I still occasionally get a pimple or two, but it is a huge improvement from the 10+ severe pimples I had all over my face before. I only use the cleanser and the 2% salicylic acid solution, but use them both regularly, in conjunction with differin gel.

    • Anonymous

      I use the REN retinol oil night, and it was ugly at first but took care of this.

  11. Anonymous

    Help me find a unicorn maxi dress? I’m short and busty. I need something that defines the waist and isn’t too low cut. Everything seems to be either a long flowy dress with no seams at the waist – which looks like a sack on me – or it’s super low and I’m practically falling out of it. I just want a nice casual dress!

  12. Interview question about organization

    I was looking through old AskAManager posts, and someone wrote in about getting the “how do you keep yourself organized?” question during an interview.

    I’ve gotten that question or similar ones before, and especially as a student I’d say something about writing down deadlines or tasks immediately, sometimes about the paper planner I use, making sure evreyone is on the same page, etc . . And this was all true so I was just answering the question.

    Truthfully I’m a disorganized person who I force into being slightly organized by treating myself like a preschooler.

    Not specific to me though – what’s a good answer to this question? Something specific about planner or notebooks, something person vs. about managing teams or others, something else?

    • Anonymous

      They don’t want to know about the color coding in your notebook, but do want to know what your process is and are you approaching it consciously (thinking about how to make your self organized).

      I mean, what did the AAM answer have to say? If there was a post with the question, then there was probably an answer, right?

      • Panda Bear

        Agreed! They are likely more interested in your thought process about organization than your exact method. If I recall this AAM post correctly, she said the same thing – that it’s not about having the ‘right’ organizational system or tool, but being able to illustrate your capacity to be an organized person. And I think that can include both your approach to organizing your own tasks and workflow, as well as that of others – especially if you are interviewing for a role that includes some management component or significant collaboration.

  13. Hi Hi Hi

    In a little less than three weeks, I’ll be in Copenhagen / western Sweden for a week. I’ve done quite a bit of research, but I feel I can never get enough advice. Any favorites that I can’t miss?

    • Alana

      If you enjoy jazz, I think Copenhagen is having their Jazz festival right now. There’s a range of subgenres and performance spaces around town.

    • Anon

      Amass (restaurant) is excellent, as is the Copenhagen Street Food. If not planned already, Malmo Sweden is a short bus ride away and a good day trip.

  14. Dog in heat

    Our dog started her first heat today (expected – we’re waiting to spay until after her first heat cycle, per vet recommendation). Any advice from those who have been through this? We’ve only ever had boy dogs before :)

    We know to keep her away from unaltered males, she’s currently chilling in my office with me bc wood floor and no upholstery or carpet, and her puppy panties will arrive today in the mail.

    • Anon

      Honestly, there is nothing else to do. It’s not like the dog is going to have mood swings or cramps (at least as far as a human can tell). Keep her away from the males, protect your furniture, and otherwise keep to a normal schedule.

    • Anonymous

      now I’m horrified — is it like they have a period?

      clearly have been living in the city too long . . .

      • Dog in heat

        Haha, kind of. During their heat cycle (which is the only time they can become pregnant), there can be light bleeding on and off (nothing like a normal human flow, though). Hence the puppy panties – easier than covering all the sofas, rolling up all the rugs, etc.

        I’m also in the city, FWIW.

    • New job who dis

      serious curiosity question:
      Why?

      Are you interested in breeding your dog for others, for yourself? Did you buy a purebred/interesting dog knowing that you wanted to breed her? Don’t want to spay her for another reason?

      I’m fascinated by non-official/career dog owners who breed their dogs. my own periods are a PITA – there’s NO way i’m dealing with my dogs too :) Also I’m just horrified at the thought of having my dog ownership multiply

      • Anonymous

        “we’re waiting to spay until after her first heat cycle, per vet recommendation”

      • Dog in heat

        Happy to answer.

        As I indicated in my original post, we are waiting until after her first heat cycle to spay her, per our vet’s recommendation. We have no intention of breeding her (and never have had a desire). But the recommendation is that waiting until after a dog goes through her first cycle ensures results in better development/maturity, both emotionally and physically. The only downside is you have to deal with the disruption of a heat cycle for the household :) we decided we were okay with that minor inconvenience in order to provide a healthier outcome for our dog.

        Now that she’s started her heat cycle, I’ve already booked her spay (for 2 months from now, again per recommendation, gives the uterus time to heal before it is removed).

        • Coach Laura

          Yeah- I’ve had multiple vets tell me that female dogs should have one heat cycle before spaying. My fantastic vet has good advice – and I usually follow it.

          OP, I think you’ve got it covered.

          • New job who dis

            this is really interesting. When we had a family dog she was spayed soon and I don’t remember her going through a heat.

            maybe thats why the poor thing was out of her freakin mind

    • eertmeert

      My DH’s family put a pair of jean cutoffs on their St Bernard during her heat cycles (occurred during the 70’s)
      Always makes me laugh to think about it. Seems to have been effective.

      Not recommending, just thought others might enjoy the mental image of a St. Bernard in Daisy Dukes :D

  15. Miz Swizz

    Does anyone have a weekender bag that they love? Preferably under 100 but I’m willing to spend more.

    • Anon in NYC

      Vera Bradley weekender on Amazon. I’m not a Vera Bradley pattern person in general, but you can find the bag in solid colors too. It has large interior pockets, which come in handy, is very lightweight, can be slung over your shoulder, and has a sleeve so you can slide it over a suitcase (and it’s a great carryon).

    • ANP

      I am a Lo & Sons evangelist, though you will spend more than $100 there. For a weekender, I like the Catalina or Catalina Deluxe.

    • Minnie Beebe

      I recently bought a Lululemon Fundamental Tote 36L that should be a good weekender bag, though I’ve not yet used it for that. But it’s enormous, very lightweight, and not full of pockets/dividers that take up space. It’s just a big, nylon zippered tote. And only $68.

    • KateMiddletown

      Lands End/LL Bean big tote w/ zip. It’s the perfect size for weekend.

    • Anon

      I use a Longchamp nylon tote. No organization ability but it’s super lightweight and I have no trouble storing three nights’ worth of stuff in one of their larger sizes. For longer trips (5-6 nights) I have the Ebag junior weekender backpack. It’s listed over 100 but I got a lightning deal on Amzn for 75. It works great as a carry on.

    • Saguaro

      I bought the Le Sac Weekend bag and love it. It’s very lightweight and holds a ton of stuff, plus stores very easily and easy to wipe clean. Definitely in your price range too.

  16. Anonymous

    For a wedding that is “Formal/Black Tie Optional” do you think a long dress is a must?

    • Anonymous

      No. You can wear a long dress if you really want to but you’ll stand out. Women will be in c* cktail dresses.

      • Anonymous

        Hmm interesting because most of the other guests I know that are going are all wearing long dresses, which is why I asked. Thanks.

        • AIMS

          I think this may be regional. In NYC, this would def mean c*cktail dresses for everyone under 50.

    • Ms B

      Nope. I would pull out a black dress with some sequins or other embellishments on it or an evening tux with a lace or beaded tank for that event. Add strappy heels and you are good to go!

    • Anonymous

      Definitely not. Most women don’t wear long dresses at those events. I had a cousin who put that on his invitation purely so that my uncle would wear a suit.

    • OP

      Thanks for all the Replys. This made me go back to look at pics from another recent wedding (that I didn’t attend) that was Black Tie Optional to see what a lot of the guests wore and it was almost all long dresses. This upcoming wedding is a similar group of people so I wonder if its just people in my circle/area love long dresses haha.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah I mean know your crowd but the “optional” part means long dresses and tuxes are definitely not required, but you’re welcome to wear them if you need an excuse to break them out.

        Frankly ime most people don’t wear long dresses or tuxes even to black tie (not optional) events but of course ymmv.

      • Anonymous

        I love long dresses too, so I enjoy pulling them out for these events. What part of the country are you in?

    • anon

      In my crowd, black tie optional is definitely read as “please wear a tux/long dress if you have one, otherwise your fanciest suit/cocktail dress”. In your shoes, if I had a long dress I would wear it but would not buy one if not. This is directly opposite what I see recommended here all the time, so mostly sharing to confirm that your circle may be more like mine. (For context, I’m late 20s in Boston).

  17. Kat in VA

    I need a script for a pushy mom who thinks that our good fortune should automatically extend to her.

    Now that sounds terrible, but let me explain. I grew up pretty solidly lower middle-class, which meant we had all the basics but no money for extras…like vacations. Fast forward to now, and The Husband has done very well, and with me going back to work, our HHI is higher than I would have ever thought of at this stage. Being as such, along with me being frugal because I’m super cheap, we’re able to take vacations every two years or so, as well as have decent expendable cash for the things we want.

    We have a large family – four children – and our vacations are generally of the type where we go and rent a large house or villa. Last vacation was to the Florida Keys, where we stayed for ten days. We’re in the planning stages of our next vacation for 2019 to Turks & Caicos.

    Here’s where it gets sticky – my mom keeps saying, more and more insistently, that she should just “come along” or “why don’t you bring me” or “I’d love to go to T&C with you, I won’t take up much room.” I’m not sure how I’m supposed to reply to that – it’s already a hella expense to take these vacations, and we don’t normally bring grandparents along with us…partly because of additional expense, and less so because finding a house big enough to house even more people is challenging. She’s said it often enough that it’s not just in passing, and the comments are getting snarkier and snarkier (“You can afford to bring all those kids but you can’t afford to bring me? Leave them home and just the adults go!”)

    She also starting to demand more and more lavish gifts because, “You guys can afford it.” Last year, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she said an iPhone X. I laughed, thinking she was joking, and she said, “No, I really want an iPhone X. You can afford it.” Uh, no. That’s what THE HUSBAND got for Christmas, why would I buy you one? She sulked when I said no and asked her to suggest something else. (The fact that my mom’s last three phones either ended up dropped in the toilet or lost somehow would make me dicey to buy her an X even if I wanted to, but that’s irrelevant.)

    Please note – I do give her good, high quality gifts for Christmas, Mother’s Day, birthday, etc. I’m not stingy about things like that. But she keeps pushing for more, more, more and the answer is always, “You can afford it, so why not?”

    I know she’s my mom, and I know I only get one. But I’m finding as she gets older, the demands are getting pushier for expensive gifts, going on vacations (which she’s never gone on vacation with us so I’m confused), and now, “If something happens, I’ll just move into your house, it’s plenty big enough.” Despite me saying, no, that would never happen. Her and my husband get along decently, but cracks start to show about 3 days into a 7 day visit. No way could that keep up long term and us stay married. She keeps bringing it up.

    I’m really at a loss. I imagine I’ll get jumped on for this, but I need help on how to redirect without sounding like a cheap jerk but also deflect my mom who keeps trying to put her hand in my pocket because…I can afford it? She’s owed it somehow? I’m honestly baffled.

    • Anon

      Honestly I would just respond by ignoring the ask, like literally breeze past the comment as if she never made it. Or if you really want to respond, just say “no I can’t afford it” and if she pushes why, say you don’t want to share your finances. It’s not her business, none of your finances or money decisions are her business. Mothers are often pushy, entitled, and not subtle, but ultimately harmless if you simply don’t respond to the nonsense. A bunch of people here will say “you’ve got to put your foot down, set boundaries”. Mothers like this don’t respect boundaries, so you might as well completely ignore her foolish asks. She can’t force you to spend your money.

      Also, stop talking to her about your vacations until after they happen, and about your purchases in general. Information starvation works pretty well.

    • Anonymous

      I also come from a similar background and make good money, but dont yet have the family and kids. My mom is similar and I can see her being very much like this down the road. She always wants me to buy meals outs, get good gifts, take her on vacation with me and my sister, etc. I get annoyed and have similar feelings like you, but I just suck it up. She did a lot for me and I feel like I should do it to help her when it’s really no skin off my back, other than annoyance.

    • Amon

      That sucks. On mobile so this will be brief, but stick to two main points: 1) it’s your and your husband’s decision how to spend or save money and b) having more money doesn’t mean you should spend more (as a general rule). Parrot the phrase “it’s not in our budget” with no additional detail. The more detail you provide, the more “but…” comments you’ll get in return.

    • Anonymous

      Why does she know all about your fancy vacation you’re taking in 2019? You need to draw your own boundaries around telling her these things. And straight up tell her “we don’t want you to come, we like these vacations for just us and the kids.”

      • Idea

        This. Maybe without the rudeness, but you can say, “no, we’ll see you on Christmas, this out-of-town trip (downplay the acation-vay) is for us from school and work and it’s enough hassle with just us. “

      • Kat in VA

        She doesn’t so much as know “all about it” as she asked where we were going in 2019. Like an idiot, I thought it had gotten through to her that when we didn’t take her to Florida, we wouldn’t be taking her on our next vacation either. My mistake in saying anything at all, to be honest.

        • Anonymous

          Yup. I have boundary issues with my mom and the best way to handle it is just not tell her a damn thing.

          • Senior Attorney

            I only tell my parents about my vacations after they’ve already happened. Not because they want to come with us, but because they tend to act up (like trying to escape from the assisted living place) if they know I’m out of town.

        • Anonymous

          There isn’t a magic “script” here that is going to work (is there ever?), you’re just going to have to do a lot of work on boundaries.

    • Torin

      Wow. I can’t imagine demanding expensive gifts from someone or expecting to get a free ride on their family vacation, regardless of their relationship to me. That just seems so patently unreasonable to me. This sounds like a tough situation. I’ve never dealt with something like this before, so YMMV, but my default when I don’t know how else to deflect people is to say no and refuse to offer an explanation or apologize.

      Maybe something like:
      “This vacation is immediate family only, but we hope to see you at home for a visit some time soon.”
      “We don’t spend that much on Christmas gifts.”

      If/when she responds negatively, don’t respond to her responding. Just change the subject. Once you’ve said no, just refuse to discuss it further. This can be really challenging to do, I totally get that, but engaging with her on why she thinks she’s owed something and why you thinks she’s not or trying to make her feel better when she’s sulky are unlikely to be productive, in my view.

      • Kat in VA

        Some of my discomfort at the asks are because my husband makes about three times as much money as I do. All of our income goes into a communal pot, but buying her the phone or taking her on the vacation is more of an imposition on “his” money even though it’s “our” money, if that makes sense.

        Also, for 20 years, he worked and I was a SAHM. Having the extra money has really changed things for us, but I don’t think it should be an automatic, “Oh, boy, they have even more money, now I’m gonna get me some!”

        Which may be the furthest thing from the truth, but dangit, it sure feels that way sometimes.

        • Torin

          Frankly, if she feels that way, she feels that way. You can’t make her not. You can just keep saying no, and refuse to feel bad for doing it. The fact that someone has negative feelings doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or that you can make those feelings go away. Keep doing you! You are not a bad person for not taking your mom on vacation or buying her an iPhoneX!!

          • Anonymous

            +1 You’re not going to get your mother to change her behavior, so don’t even bother trying. You can only control what you do and the boundaries that you put up.

    • Panda Bear

      That sounds really frustrating. How do you think it would go if you were really direct with her about it? Something like, ‘Mom, it makes me really uncomfortable when you comment on what you think I should be able to afford. Husband and I are making the right money choices for us and our kids, and I need you can respect that’?

      • Housecounsel

        Please do not let anyone, here or elsewhere, guilt you into complying with her intrusive and inappropriate requests. People like this won’t be satisfied; you will give a little and she will demand more. I was going to jump in and say to set boundaries, but I really like the ignoring advice offered, too.

      • Kat in VA

        I might use that line with her. I’m really uncomfortable when you make comments on our financial situation. It’s between *husband* and I.”

        Some of the situations with regard to affording are ones that I can’t exactly hide or cover up – we have a big house, I just got a new car (after driving a beat up old truck for 15 years, but still). She complains to my brother a lot that they have “all that money but don’t do XYZ for me”, or if I dare complain about anything at all, it’s “Must be nice.” I’m looking at a ton of money or more to fix up numerous items in my house (protip: never, ever, ever buy a flip that’s sat vacant for longer than five years), and her response was a dry, “Must be nice to have to worry about things like that with your big fancy house.” *sigh*

        I’m sorry. I sound like I’m whining – which I am. This is more of a floodgates situation where I can talk about it freely but somewhat anonymously and grab some feedback while I’m at it. Thanks for tolerating it.

        • Anonymous

          Stop apologizing! Just ignore her comments and go on with your business. You’re not going to change how she feels – you only have control over how YOU feel.

          Your finances are not her business, whether you are up to your eyeballs in debt to buy that car or whether you paid for it in cash because you were frugal and drove your last car into the ground. She likely wants to get a reaction from you, so don’t give her one. Do not cave to the guilt trip!

    • Anonymous

      You say she has never gone on a vacation with you….. Considering she could never afford vacations with you like this when you were a child, and she probably dreamed about them her whole life too, have you ever thought of including her? I was a little surprised you said you have never included her. Not even when you ?rent a whole house in Florida?

      Are there other Mom issues going on, or is it just the pushing for gifts? Was she a bad Mom? It sounds like she is alone/single now, yes?

      It actually isn’t that uncommon for people who grew up with less to be more generous with their parents when they can be. But usually that is only if they have had a very good relationship or a strong cultural tradition of this. It doesn’t mean you have to of course.

      If you don’t want to give her what she wants, I would also stop asking her what she wants. I also agree with minimizing your discussion of your vacations with her, as clearly she feels a little excluded and envious. It is what it is. Yes, she is being a little selfish/grabby/inappropriate. But if she otherwise lives frugally and was a good Mom and loves your kids, I would try to bite my tongue and try to go with the flow.

      But definitely be clear with her about whether she can live with you as a retiree, if she is close to that stage. But be kind, if possible…

      • Wow

        Yes, I agree with this. My MIL is the same way — she never went anywhere much when she was younger, now she has an insatiable desire to see the world. She also wants all the gifts, jewels, etc. We have made it clear to her that there are places that we want to go just with us and our kids. And that we’re not a money tree and will not fund her desire for all the things. However, we have invited her along with us several times and she is happy and it feeds her need to go places. I think it’s a kind gesture to extend an invitation for her to go on a vacation with you once in a while. She is your mother, as you say. Not inviting her even once seems harsh to me. And yes, she’s pushy and what not, but her request to go with you on a beach vacation doesn’t seem to be a huge demand.

        • Anonymous

          +1

          Yes, I was surprised to see that the OP hasn’t invited Mom even once. That seems a bit harsh to me since the OP doesn’t say her Mom was a bad Mom etc…

          • Anon100

            My mom wasn’t a bad mom, but traveling with her would take all of the fun out of being on vacation, so not going to happen.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t need to justify yourself to us, we were with you from your first sentence. And no it didn’t sound awful. You’re not going to get mom to stop being unreasonable, but you can get yourself to let go of the guilt so you can feel more comfortable with your decisions. I hate harping on therapy but maybe some books or just have a go-to friend whose job it is to reassure you that you’re in the right?

      Or you know, we internet strangers can do that too. You are right. Your mom is wrong. You don’t owe your mom extravagant gifts or vacations or whatever other unreasonable thing she demands.

      • Kat in VA

        Oh lord you have no idea how much I needed to hear your first sentence. I keep feeling like I’m being ungrateful, or maybe I should give her more (and like I said, I’m not stingy. I didn’t give her a $1000 iPhone, but I did set her up with a $300 gift certificate to Burke Williams, as well as some other nice gifts. Why isn’t that enough?

        My mom is also good at deflecting with “I WAS JUST JOKING” when I say no…but then goes right back to it after a while.

        Moms. Whatcha gonna do?

        I am very grateful to you all for giving me a voice on this and not judging me for sounding stingy or cheap or not wanting to share. I do have a friend or two I can talk to about it, but I thought I’d throw it out here…hoping maybe some folks who have a disparity between how they grew up and how they live would be able to give me some ideas. And you have!

        • Anonymous

          Moms have the market on guilt cornered. I like to think of it this way, if my mother’s sole reason for having me was so that I could take her on vacations and buy her extravagant gifts and essentially repay her in dollars for raising me, that’s pretty $hitty. Preusmably, my mother raised me to be a good, productive human, and to be self-sufficient. I am all of those things, so anything else is icing on the cake.

          You don’t owe your mom a spot on the family vacation or extravagant gifts. If you want to, of course, do so! But if you don’t, you’re not a bad person for saying no.

    • anon

      So… I’m Asian, and I do think I owe my parents everything. What they want, they’ll get. You mentioned husband getting Iphone for his present, and therefore that’s a stretch for mom’s present because presumably husband deserves better gift? Of course it’s your money and you can spend it however you want and no one should make demands, but this woman gave birth to and raised you. How hurtful would that sound if your daughter one day put the hubby over you and say nah mom, my husband doesn’t even get the Iphone why would you? My brother and I (granted, we’re both single) take my parents on vacation yearly because we couldn’t afford family trips when we were younger and we want my parents to see the world before they are too old to travel. We do this even if my parents don’t demand it. If it were me, I’d I’d go on a less expensive trip to be able to bring her along. But it’s not me, so if you want to set boundaries, just stop sharing to her your HHI and vacation plans or whatever else that is making her think you have enough money to comfortably spend on her.

      • anon

        I’m south Asian and owe my parents everything because they are good people and wonderful parents. we have mutual affection and respect. If that started to not be true, yes I would make sure they were cared for, but no I won’t be exploited.

      • Kat in VA

        At what point does that stop, though? I have a mom and stepmom, and husband has a mom and a stepmom. Do we just have all of them come with us, two stepmoms, one stepdad, two regular moms, two regular dads, plus four kids and ourselves?

        At that point, we wouldn’t go anywhere.

        And I promise you, were I to fall to the guilt my mother is giving me about taking her on vacation, husband’s mother probably wouldn’t say anything, but would feel very hurt and left out that we didn’t invite her. This sets up a whole ‘nother can of worms. When do you stop?

        As far as the phone – yes, the husband got the X. I got an 8+. The kids all got regular 8 phones. (We upgraded from old 6 phones). Do I get my mom a phone? Then my mother in a law a phone? Why not get one for my brother too? Those phones were the “main” presents that everyone in the household got this year – we do one “big” present and then other smaller ones (like clothes, makeup, or computer games). So should I cut back on the immediate family gifts so that my mom – and mother in law – and dad – and and and – can all get the same gifts that we got in the immediate family?

        I’m trying to reason this out. It’s not like I don’t get her ANY gifts – they’re just necessarily not as lavish as the gifts within my immediate family. I could see her have a complaint if she got nothing or a generic gift card to Amazon for fifty bucks. But it’s not like that.

        • Anonymous

          At what point does that stop…. ?

          Well, I really hope that you can take your Mom on vacation once. It sounds like you have never done it once. Am I right? And she has never gone on a real vacation in her entire life?

          Maybe you could compromise, and take her with you sometime if you take a smaller weekend type trip somewhere. That might be enough. It would really be a lovely thing to do. I do understand your feeling about the finances, especially since your husband makes so much more and you were stay at home for awhile. That would also make me feel more guilty about asking my husband for this.

          My mother died before I was able to afford to take her on a vacation. She dreamed her whole life of going overseas and I never got to take her. She was alone, very lonely, and she hinted to me that she would love to go (not as bad as your Mom… definitely not….), but was too insecure and frugal to go alone. And I wish now I had made it more of a priority.

          You have done nothing wrong. But….

          • Torin

            “That might be enough.”

            No, it probably won’t. OP’s mother was not satisifed with a $300 gift, which I view as extravagant, and instead wanted a $1000 one. Taking her for one weekend trip will not satisfy her because nothing will.

          • Anonymous

            I actually think the Mom isn’t being awful for wanting to go on vacation with them. I feel a little sorry for her.

            And of course – she would love to go and stay with them on one of their big vacations. If the OP refuses to do this, at least she could throw her a bone.

            Her children are watching what her parents do….. If they never invite their Mom on trips, the kids will do the same. Maybe that’s fine with the OP. It’s hard to imagine what it might be like to be a single (divorced? widowed?) older women who can’t afford to invite their kid’s families on nice trips, and who has never traveled in her life, especially when the OP will never be in that position (she hopes….).

        • Anonymous

          “Do we just have all of them come with us, two stepmoms, one stepdad, two regular moms, two regular dads, plus four kids and ourselves?”

          : ) Hah! OK, now you’re just escalating. Of course you don’t take all these people on one vacation. But maybe you and your husband do talk about when or how you’d invite his parents or step parents or yours to travel with you. Maybe you do a family cruise some year, and offer to pay part of people’s costs.

          It’s not all or nothing.

        • anon

          Ugh, I’m sorry, but all this quibbling about how expensive gifts are and aren’t and who gets the expensivest thing is just kind of gr0ss. You sound like you’re twelve.

          • Kat in VA

            I’m using the dollar amounts as an example. What may be expensive to me might be peanuts to someone else, or vice versa.

        • Anonymous

          I’m not saying that you should do this, I don’t know your mom at all or what she’s like, but I just take my mom and my mom only. My dad doesn’t want to go. The in-laws don’t care. People assume she’s helping with childcare when she’s just chilling alone. My mom never had the opportunity to go on vacation and is kind of afraid of it even though she always wanted it. I enjoy being able to show it to her. Maybe those trips aren’t the right occasion to take her with you, but a simple weekend getaway with you might be something she’s always dreamed of.

      • anon

        Whoa. If you have a spouse at some point, expect to get some major pushback.

        It is not unreasonable or wrong to give your spouse a larger Christmas gift than your parents. It is not wrong or unreasonable to put your spouse before your parents. In fact, “leaving and cleaving” to your spouse is a real thing. It doesn’t mean you don’t love, respect, and value your parents.

        • Kat in VA

          Yep, I can’t imagine my spouse’s reaction if I told him, “Sorry, no. You can’t have the phone you want because I have to give it to my mom. She deserves it more than you do, kthxbai.” Even if the second sentence wasn’t said out loud, it would certainly be implied.

          • Housecounsel

            Seriously. It would be unfair to my husband to bring my mother on trips that were intended to be family vacations – for us and our children. I hope to be invited now and then when I am a grandmother, and the way I hope to “secure” those invitations is by not being overbearing like my own mother is. I will be helpful, unlike my mother, and I will go with the flow, unlike my mother. I understand there are cultural differences here, but I do not subscribe to the idea that we owe our parents everything – and again, I really hate it when people cite a deceased parent (I have one too, and miss him terribly) as justification for someone else’s obligation.

      • Anonymous

        It wouldn’t be hurtful to me at all! I hope my kids put their kids and spouses first, and husband helped earn the money for that phone!

      • Anonymous

        Lol what? Yes when you get married your spouse comes first. And that especially comes to finances – because it’s literally their money too. If mom wants to give me $500 of her own money to get her a $1k phone then that’s a different discussion.

      • Anon

        A big differentiator between your situations however is that she has a family of 6 to look out for, for you it is only your immediate family, so that is the family you look out for. And yes, Husband does come before mother, he is your closest kin after you get married. If you think having Husband come before Mom is hurtful, you’re in for a rough time when you marry.

      • cbackson

        IDK, my mom once told me that the most important secret to a successful marriage was to prioritize your relationship with your spouse over all other relationships in your life, including with your parents and with your children. So yeah, my mom would for sure expect that I would put my husband first in matters both great and small.

        My parents have been married for 50+ years, we’re super close, I love them, and I do stuff with them out of that love, not out of obligation. FWIW.

      • Anon

        Also Asian. Some of us haven’t internalized the Asian-industrial guilt complex and are able to live healthy, independent lives with reasonable boundaries. Kat in VA, I wish the same for you. You’re doing nothing wrong, keep fighting the good fight!

      • Ugh

        I’m South Asian and frankly find most of these comments shocking. I cannot imagine never taking my mom on a vacation when she has repeatedly asked. We took my mom with us on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii last year. Feeling even more grateful than I do to have been brought up in a culture where we cherish our parents. There is a Hindu proverb that says — in your older years, your children will treat you the way you have treated your parents.

        Then again, I don’t have a mom who wants all the things. I realize it’s extremely annoying to have a parent who always wants everything, but there is a compromise here.

        Personally, I think you need to take your mom on vacation with you a few times. Even once, as a starting point. You can rent a beach house and invite your in laws too, nothing too fancy. They will probably be so happy to spend time with their grandkids too. Time is precious. I feel sad for your mom, she’s probably lonely and wants to go somewhere fun with you all. please think about it from her perspective.

      • Anonymous

        “Of course it’s your money and you can spend it however you want and no one should make demands, but this woman gave birth to and raised you. How hurtful would that sound if your daughter one day put the hubby over you and say nah mom, my husband doesn’t even get the Iphone why would you? ”

        Fiance and I are in strong agreement that we will raise our children lovingly, but with the expectation that if/when they get married, their spouse will come before us.

        Marriage trumps every other relationship, IMHO.

      • Yes

        yes, thank you Asian anon at 11:51 — fellow Asian here and felt I was in somewhat of a Twilight Zone reading some of these comments about how it’s perfectly ok to just focus on yourself/your nuclear family and never do anything for your mom, the one who gave birth to you. Honestly, comments like some of these reinforce to me why so many waspy american families are so messed up. I’m not talking about the OP here because it sounds like she does the best for her mom as she can (but dude, take her on a vacay) but some of you others need to have so little disregard for your parents.

        • yup

          Honestly, comments like some of these reinforce to me why so many waspy american families are so messed up

          + 1

          Asian parents are far from perfect but the willingness to sacrifice and care for one another (parents moving across the country to take care of grand kids, adult children inviting their parents to live with them permanently in their old age, etc.) is something I have rarely (never?) seen among WASP friends.

          • anon

            Also south asian. Yeah, but I think the key difference I notice is that this willingness to sacrifice thing totally goes both ways. I’m way closer to my parents than my (white) husband is to his, or than any of my American friends are to theirs. But! they have also done so much more for me than my friends’ parents have done for them. So I agree that this difference does resonate with me as a source of the messed-up-ness of WASPy families, but I don’t think it’s legit to expect one side to be giving to a fault when the other is being really exploitative and self-centered.

        • anon

          To many people, the relationship with the parents that’s described by the original Asian commenter above sounds SUPER screwed up. An expectation that your parents are entitled to live with you in their old age sounds like a complete lack of healthy boundaries. The idea that your parents should financially rely on you in their retirement looks an approach that limits children’s choices and independence for decades.

          What looks normal to you looks totally insular and unhealthy to people with a different cultural background; what’s healthy to us looks distant and sad to you. These are just different perspectives on family relationships and boundaries.

        • why

          yeah you’re definitely right there are no messed-up asian families ever. if only we all felt like you every family would be perfect! you’re so much better than the rest of us!

        • Friday

          I’m white and will say that the tight family bonds among my Asian friends is definitely something to aspire to. They have their arguments, sure, but I’ve been amazed by how many of my Indian girlfriends had their parents move in with them or live close by to take care of the kids. I wish I had that kind of help and my kids that level of love and support from their grandparents.

        • Asian vs WASP

          I am not Asian. Almost everyone would label me as WASP. One key difference I note is the servant heart of Asian parents compared to some WASP parents (i.e. moving across the country to help with grandchildren, etc). My own mother is retired, perfectly healthy at 70 and lives 3 miles from my home yet would not dream of helping with my daughter AT ALL after school. In six years, she has kept my daughter one weekend so that we could celebrate a 20th wedding anniversary for two nights and driven my daughter somewhere in an extreme emergency about once a year. For the last two years I have taken two graduate courses a semester (Fall, Spring, Summer) on top of working full time and trying to get my now 15 year old where she needs to be in coordination with my husband, and honestly my mother just watched us struggle.

          She would call me on a Tuesday, my daughter’s birthday, and complain “I guess I’m not going to get to see my granddaughter on her birthday.” Me: “Mom, I have to pick her up from at 5:15 PM and will not be home until 5:30PM. Husband cannot be home until 6:00PM. I do not think I can coordinate a family celebration meal and also study for my midterm tomorrow. We will have to keep the celebration plans for this Friday.” I would feel absolutely TERRIBLE until it dawned on me that she could actually HELP make some of these things happen – i.e. pick up a roasted chicken somewhere and also my daughter so that we could all meet at home, saving about 1.5 hours. She is just not a giver. For example, she did not work but also did not ever help my sister and I with school. Evenings were a time for cocktails, not calling out spelling words. I honestly think I would feel more obligated if she would do something like help my daughter with her French food project before I got home from work or ANYTHING to take the load off even a tiny bit.

          As far as the original poster, I get it. I have nice things yet carefully plan purchases while my parents spent inheritances and every dollar of income right away. My father is no longer living but we ALWAYS pay for everything my mother does – pick up the check for all meals out, flew her to see us when we lived across the country, etc. yet I am sure it is not enough. My mother told my daughter that she would “be very rich one day because your parents do not spend their money.” This is not a compliment. And I’m not sure what she means since we do everything we want and have (what I consider to be) very nice things. I suppose she is aware of the earning power of our professions and feels that we could live in a larger house.

        • South Asian Anon

          Lol. Either you don’t have my controlling, emotionally abusive parents or you have a bad case of Stockholm syndrome. I’m SO glad for you that your family is perfect and you want them around all the time, but I care about my mental health a little more than your opinion.

    • Anonymous

      Related question–what do you do when you could afford to bring your mother along (or mother could afford for herself to come along), but just don’t want to? My mom has been commenting for years how much she’d love to go back to X foreign country (mom and I went to said foreign country on a school trip when I was in high school many, many years ago). My dad will never go because he likes to just do nothing on vacations (sit on a beach and read all day). DH and I are planning to go to this country sometime in the next year or two. My mother will inevitably beg to come along. I cannot vacation in a foreign country with my mother. She just stresses me (and DH) out. How do I deflect?

      • Anonymous

        I think this is the OP’s position. She doesn’t want to take her, but can afford it. It just isn’t how she and her husband want to spend their time and money.

        As you know, your Mom will ask, and you will tell her no, and she will be hurt. There is no way around it. At least in your situation, your mother has a husband who COULD go with her if she pushed him more. In your case, I would lean on your Dad to take her.

        Otherwise either don’t tell your Mom you are going. Or just know she will be hurt. There’s not much you can do.

      • Anonymous

        This is so sad, to me. There is a woman who has a dream to go back to country she loves, with a daughter she loves, and it’s not going to happen. And she’ll need to watch the daughter go off without her.

        I don’t mean that you should take her. Just recognize that this is sad-making for the woman who wants to go, and like any normal person, she’ll struggle with her attitude and her response when she realizes that she’s not wanted.

        that doesn’t make her a bad person. And it doesn’t mean you must take her. It just means that normal humans struggle in these situations, and you and she both will be feeling that struggle. There is no script or technique that will deflect this. Love her, give her as much understanding as you can, and don’t take on overt guilt about it.

        The only thing I can think of is to have her brainstorm about a friend she could take with her in place of your dad, or a tour group that she could join so that she can go there.

        • Anonymous

          The entitlement just boggles my mind. Yes it is normal to feel sad and jealous when someone you love does something you want to do. But would you pout and beg and be obviously sad at your friend for not taking you with her to Destination? No of course not. I don’t understand why a parent might think she gets to crash her child’s romantic getaway.

          Seriously if my mom did this I’d tell her, sorry mom but no one is going to be comfortable with the amount of headboard banging you’re going to hear.

        • Torin

          “The only thing I can think of is to have her brainstorm about a friend she could take with her in place of your dad, or a tour group that she could join so that she can go there.”

          As an adult, her mom can also do this for herself without anon at 12:56 having to do it for her. Here mom can even go by herself! She’s a big girl.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, her mom can do this for herself. And her mom is a big girl. But sometimes it’s OK to have a conversation like this. It doesn’t mean the daughter is taking responsibility to fix the mother’s problem or that the daughter needs to take on the mother’s problems … it’s just some simple conversation and kindness.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I’m sorry about your mom’s behavior. I’d try ignoring and/or just saying no. It’s not wrong to vacation without your parents. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      Remember – the way you treat your parents is a model for your children as to how they will treat you when they grow up. Just keep that in mind.

      I also feel that sharing time/vacations is different from generic (obligatory… ) holiday gifts. Big family trips are rarely forgotten experiences. It is lovely to have a family close enough to occasionally do these kinds of things together. I totally understand the need to have vacations just for immediate family. But sometimes including family, even if just for a part of it or a shorter trip, is a very generous thing. Especially if that parent could never travel otherwise.

      • anon

        ha i once asked about resources to help my old broke parents on thiss!t3 and and was advised to get them jobs as walmart greeters so like….

      • Anon

        All the “omg ungrateful kidz!!” posters here are obviously missing the point that she is not the primary earner in this relationship and feels (rightly, I think) that it’s not right to take funds from the family accounts to appease grabby mom.

        • Wow

          No, I didn’t miss that point at all. To me that point is irrelevant, because OP acknowledges that it’s a communal pot. I make a third of my husband and we regularly take my mom on vacation with us (usually at husband’s insistence, because she has been such a helpful and loving grandma). I don’t think anyone is saying that the OP should take her mom on vacation all the time. We are saying that she should take her mom with her at least once.

          • why

            omg you’re right! you’re so much better than the rest of us! if only we all took our moms on vacation with us the world would be a better place!

          • Kat in VA

            Would it make a difference if I’ve said that I’ve been on exactly 3 vacations in six years? We weren’t always at this level of HHI.

            For those who feel bad that mom never gets out – she goes on a 7-10 day cruise with her girlfriends and/or sister (usually Caribbean) every year, occasionally 2x a year. She definitely has traveled far more than I have in the last 20 years. So I’m not getting to do something that would be fun for her that she doesn’t get to do.

            She also comes to my house for vacation when she wants to get away. I live in the DC area, so that’s more of a touristy thing for her, as well. Her last vacation here, she invited her sister (my aunt) without asking me and assumed it would be ok for both of them to be here (Narrator: It wasn’t).

            There’s a whole lot more icky stuff under the surface that – now – I don’t feel comfortable revealing. For those who offered advice, even of the tart variety, I value and appreciate your input.

    • Anonymous

      Not sure if you’re still reading.

      Trying to say this gently, because the people involved can be otherwise wonderful individuals.

      I’ve noticed that some people have very different ideas about what marriage means. When it’s your friends, it can be merely annoying, but it creates problems within families, especially when one party disregards the decision-making of a marital unit. It is especially frustrating when those people (family or friends) have no real desire to marry or who initiated divorces.

      If it were me, I would say something like, “Husband and I have decided that X is not in our budget.” If she asks who made the decision, him or you or whatever, just repeat that it is both of you and, as it is marital decision-making, is not up for negotiation. “We have jointly made this decision and, as it is a decision made within our marriage, is not up for negotiation or being overruled by anyone else.”

      • Kat in VA

        I am still reading (although it’s bedtime now!), and most of the replies resonated very well (yours included). Thank you.

  18. Hair help

    My hair is naturally wavy, but I usually straighten it or let it air dry overnight and add in more defined curls with a wand. Not willing to use a hairdryer right now because it is too hot, but I haven’t found the right product to keep it frizz free and manageable while air drying during my commute. I tried the sea salt sprays, but they seem sticky. Any suggestions for frizz free waves that are not sticky or crunchy?

    • IHHtown

      Use a lightweight silicone serum. A pea size drop of Biosilk smoothed over and scrunched into your hair should do the trick.

    • Anon

      Living Proof Leave In Conditioner. It’s perfect for air drying and doesn’t require heat to set. I use about a dime size amount on my mid-back-length super thick hair.

          • Anonymous

            +1 I use a combo of Don’t Blow It and b&b’s salt spray. ANd I scrunch it in from the ends (the Don’t Blow It) and resist combing out the hair to maintain the waves. If I comb it, then each individual hair wants to wave/curl independently of the next one and my hair gets giant

      • January

        I also like Living Proof’s In-Shower Styler for help with air drying. And don’t forget to scrunch!

        • Anonymous

          +1. This is the first one that doesn’t make my hair seem crunchy and it leaves some shine.

    • Anonymous

      So I have naturally curly/wavy hair and there’s just no thing as free-free waves. That’s just the way naturally curly hair is.

      • anon a mouse

        Disagree! You just have to put in the work to find the right products for you. I see some people recommending oil/serums — I cannot use any of those, but a friend uses them and her hair looks amazing. I have to stay far away from anything with silicones and have had good luck with Living Proof and K*nky Curly products.

        Target and CVS both let you return used hair products after a short time, so I recommend trying several to find what works for you.

  19. Alone in a new city

    So I moved to a new city for a job for the first time in my life. I know 2 people here, but they’re both out of town this weekend. Of course I’ve hung out by myself before, but I always knew people in the city.

    What are you favorite things to do by yourself in a new city?

    • Idea

      Be a tourist!! This sounds so much fun! Sit in a cafe! Go to a museum! Go to the festivals!
      Worse comes to worse (by which I mean, anxiety gonna be anxious), you have a smartphone and can take selfies and text someone but go have fun!

      • Anon

        Exactly. You are prime time to be a tourist. It’s not even a weird thing to do. When a coworker asks you what you did this weekend “Oh I went and people watched at X cafe before I hit the Strawberry Festival” or “I was so excited to spend all day at Art Museum now that I live here!” sounds so fun and will likely make coworker jealous.

        Find all the fun things about your city and start ticking down the list. As you make friends, you’ll have stuff to talk about or even places to suggest you meet up: “Let’s grab coffee at X, the people watching is great!”

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Sample local restaurants? For me the fun thing is scoping out the independent/family restaurants, especially if there’s an ethnic cuisine I haven’t gotten to try yet.

    • Anonymous

      Since you’re new in town, I’d find a local library branch and get set up with a card. They may also have fliers or info about other local events.

  20. dc anon

    Help me plan a bachelorette in South Beach Miami at the end of July. Its a group of 12 and we are staying at a hotel that is not on the main drive. None of us has ever been and I need recommendations for (vegetarian friendly) dinner spots and bars/nightlife. We already booked a boat for one evening. Also, our hotel has a pool, but it does not have an ocean view. Can we just walk to a different hotel and pay to use their pool?

  21. Anonymous

    Reviews of Tucker NYC clothing? It keeps popping up in my FB feed and now am intrigued….

  22. Anonymous

    We are looking at a house that has an above-ground pool and if we bought it, I think I would want to pull the pool down. I’m trying to think about options here – is there a second hand market for this? Probably not, right? Any other ideas?

    • Kat in VA

      I’m guessing not. They’re usually aluminum or some kind of lightweight metal, set on a bed of sand. I’m thinking they’d get pretty destroyed when they come down. I know – from experience – if you drain them too far after they’re set up, the sides will actually buckle (sorry, old landlord). So I’m guessing if it’s a teardown, it’s a throwaway, too.

      Does it have a deck built around it? They’re not terribly hard to maintain – probably easier than an in-ground (which I have now). The filters are easy to clean and as long as you have someone open/close them at the right times of the year (if you’re not in a place like California), they hold up pretty well.

    • Flats Only

      If it’s aluminum scrap dealers will be interested. Our neighbor got rid of an old carport by getting a scrap guy to come and take it down and take it away. Didn’t cost her anything, because he expected to make his money reselling the metal.

    • Anonymous

      There is a market for above ground pools if it’s in good condition, depending on the pool. If not, you can sell the accessories (ladder, steps, etc). You’re not going to make a ton of money, but many people would happily take it off your hands.

  23. Anonymous

    Review of Tucker NYC clothing? Keeps popping up in my FB feed. Prices seem high, so curious about your experiences with the brand? Can’t find a store front location, so possibly all online, which I don’t love.

    • Linda from HR

      Currently, a sparkly, unicorn-esque pink from Morgan Taylor (color is “sweetest thing”). I thought of taking it off and putting on blue with white polka dots to match my favorite swimsuit, but decided I don’t want to spend money on new, non-essential cosmetics right now.

    • anon

      OPI Mod About You Love it! But I’ve seen a lot of people wearing blue lately so perhaps I’m behind the times.

    • AKM

      My standard summer polish is Geranium by Essie. It really pops against my super pale skin.

    • Anonymous

      Bright sky blue. I wear closed toed shoes to work, so my toenail polish doesn’t have to be professional :)

  25. Benefits of marriage

    Question for the hive – what are the legal benefits of marriage? My partner and I have been together a decade (no kids in the mix or in the future), own a house together, and are committed to each other. We are not married and are not interested in getting married. We don’t want a wedding, are not religious, and other reasons. My question is, by not being married, what legal benefits might we be missing out on and what do people do who are not married?

        • why

          so tired of middle-aged people on this site using the word troll. this was a snarky question, but definitely not a troll. you do not know what trolling is apparently. and frankly, the question was apt. google this. its not difficult

    • cbackson

      Estate planning and medical decision-making are the critical ones that come to mind. In fact, an acquaintance of my family just died without a will and his partner of 20+ years will inherit nothing from his estate – everything will pass to his siblings under our state’s intestate succession statute. Do you guys have that stuff taken care of?

    • Torin

      Inheritance and medical decisions in the event of incapacity are two major ones. If you’re not married, you can document these things other ways. If you don’t, your SO will get nothing and not be allowed to visit you or make medical decisions on your behalf.

    • New job who dis

      – when something happens to one person – their parents/siblings/next of kin will be called – and it won’t be you
      – when a life or death decision needs to be made, DNR, feeding tubes, etc. that next of kin will make the decision – and it won’t be you. you can try to speak/reason/tell yourself that it’ll be fine, you won’t care, but it’s a crucial point in life with your ‘partner’ and emotions run high at that moment
      – disability/SSI payments, if that ever happens
      – custodial rights to any children you might have, even if, in this moment, you say you don’t want kids, it’ll be fine, etc. ya never know!
      – tax deductions/exemptions/credits, etc. but YMMV…
      – inheritance benefits
      – health insurance could be better if you were both on the same policy?
      – insurance breaks/credits when you’re married

      these are just some of the things that pushed me to get married, but it’s your decision :)
      all/some can be legally contracted around, but that’s not really sexy so you might never get around to it.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, this is so helpful!

        These were pretty much the things I was thinking of but wasn’t sure if I was missing any less obvious things. I know they can be contracted around, but when written out like that, seems like more of a pain than just heading to the courthouse.

        • New job who dis

          totally!

          I really get the ’emotional baggage’ that feels like OMG GETTING MARRIED. but there really are a lot of real, legal ways that married people get protected where others do not.

          (also my parents both work in life/death medical fields so I tend to focus on the fatalistic, worst case scenarios. but it’s legit ! and you NEVER know what’s around any corner in life. you think you like partner’s parents now, then bam, something happens and you get screwed out of your partner’s whole life. and you think right now that it doesn’t matter to you, but everything can change in an instant)

    • Anonymous

      Tax benefits, inheritance, medical reasons, protection if you divorce, etc. There’s a reason why gay people fought so hard for marriage rights. If you’re planning to stay together forever it is practical to get married rather than go through legal hoops to get all of those rights, even if it’s just a legal ceremony at the courthouse that you don’t talk about or celebrate.

    • Anonymous

      If your partner dies in a horrible accident, you can’t sue for wrongful death in most states unless you’re married.

      This seems horribly unfair to me, but it was easier to get married than lobby the legislature to change that. Yes, I am a lawyer. Yes, I literally cited that as a reason long-time partner and I got married when asked. I’m not saying I’m the least romantic person I know, but it’s close:-)

    • Anonymous

      Your outlook on marriage sounds exactly like mine+hubs. Then one of us got a job abroad, and we married to get a spousal visa and be able to go together. In the meantime, we both have jobs here and might as well have stayed unmarried, but we couldn’t know that it would work out so quickly.
      Other than taxes, no significant change to report.

  26. Wardrobe malfunction

    I bought this blouse awhile ago, and the second time I wore it, the whole front seam ripped out. Rather embarrassing, had to borrow a sweater and head straight home to change.
    Definitely a quality issue, there was not enough fabric there.

  27. Anon

    PSA Penzey’s spices shared a political message on Facebook today, speaking out against what is happening and what 45 is saying about immigration, and offering a free kit of Mexican vanilla and s Salsa and Pico spice using the coupon code America. Free shipping is also lowered to $20.

    I really recommend you follow them on Facebook. I really appreciate the overriding message that cooking is love.

    • Ms B

      I love Penzey’s so much, not just for their great products and fair prices, but also for their positive messages in trying times. “Love People – Cook Them Tasty Food” is a message that I am 100% behind.

      We do need cumin and I want to get a friend a few salad dressing/marinade mixes as a hostess gift for a couple weeks from now, so perhaps a quick run tomorrow is in the cards . . .

      • Anon

        Oh that’s cool that there’s a store near you. I don’t have any very close. I just mail ordered.

  28. Dress help

    I have a Sumner dress that I’m struggling to accessorize. It’s a version of the Frieda dress from Oasis (The Eastertime version with less stripes than the current one).

    It fits well and is so comfy but I feel like it needs something around the waist. But I am both high waisted and carry some extra flesh around the muffin top area. When I belt it, it creates a muffin top under the belt due to my shape. It happens with big wide and narrow belts. Any ideas?

    • Anon

      Wear the belt looser and higher. You can also use a long scarf as a sash and wear it higher and wider.

      The other alternative is a low slung belt but i don’t really think that’s fashionable right now, and if you have any kind of belly in the front it will accentuate that (like a man who belts his pants under his gut)

  29. Anonymous

    Posted earlier but apparently in mod – no idea why, so abbreviated version…

    What are benefits of marriage vs just being in domestic partnership? Partner and I own a house together, no kids, but are not married and not planning to. What legal benefits do we miss out on by not being married?

    • Anonymous

      Will you have access to each other’s social security/pensions on retirement? Work life insurance?

      Otherwise, you can easily be each other’s beneficiaries on all other financials, be medical POAs for each other.

      Are you planning on having kids? If so, will likely need more things.

    • Baconpancakes

      What are the benefits or what are the legal benefits? The general benefits are more social – people will respect your partnership more (not saying it’s fair, but it is true) as a marriage. You’ll be recognized as a unit. Saying vows (religious or not) in front of their loved ones tends to make people take things a bit more seriously than not, and if you’re the type of person who puts value in promises, you’ll find that there can be a shift in thinking from “me and partner” to “us.” The bonds between you two can deepen and evolve within the safety of a marriage in a way that a partnership might not allow, because a partnership implies that it is mutually beneficial to be together. Sometimes it is not mutually beneficial to be married – but you’re married, and your marriage is more than the sum of its parts, so you stick it out until the scales balance again.

      Regarding the legal benefits, I believe there are some fairly big tax implications of being married vs a domestic partnership. Domestic partnerships aren’t recognized in some states, to the point where some states won’t even allow you on each other’s health insurance, some states don’t recognize you as next of kin in the event of hospitalization and end of life decisions, you do not have an easy path to custody of children of one partner’s children, and partners are subject to death taxes on inheritances in a way that spouses are not.

  30. Anon

    Anyone ever work with a recruiter when job searching? Pros? Cons? Experiences to share?

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