Coffee Break: Large Shadow Leather Tote Bag

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1. Since it’s all women here I figure people have some experience – what level of hemoglobin have your doctors considered “mildly” anemic? I’m in the range of 11-15 — though closer to 11 and I’ve gotten messages from a dr and his nurse re mild anemia. Yet looking thru old lab work, I’ve always been in the 11 range and no one ever said anything. Have standards changed?

   1. I’ve been told that mild anemia is really common among women.

   2. I found out I had IIRC those types of levels during a blood drive and 1) they didn’t let me donate 2) I started taking iron supplements for about 6 months regularly and then just during my period afterwards and it made a difference I could feel, even though I didn’t feel tired before

   3. I’m always around 11. It depends on the doctor whether they address it. Interestingly, the prenatal I’m taking has made no difference in my score.

      1. I have been around 10.5. I take a prenatal vitamin with iron and it has helped.

      2. My levels were low because of low stomach acid, not because of low dietary intake, so the supplement didn’t really help until I figured that out.

2. Have you ever gotten rid of mild anxiety by just doing that thing? Esp of its something like travel or flying or new foods?

   1. No but it’s gotten better. Public speaking, travel, and being in crowds are big anxiety producing things for me. The more I do them the more comfortable I feel doing them. But it’s never 100%, and it’s easy to backslide. I force myself to keep up with it (even though I hate it) because I know it’ll be so much worse for me if I don’t. I look at it kind of like exercise. If I don’t go to the gym then I’ll lose muscle tone and it’ll be hard to get back to where I am now.

   2. I used to really stress about public speaking. I was made to go on a speaking tour as part of my job (same speech over and over in different states) and found that ever since then t I feel pretty comfortable speaking regardless of topic. Only recently was I made to do something impromptu (speech in front of my company that I found out about given 25 min of prep or so) and I didn’t feel as nervous as I used to but suddenly my ears felt like they were ringing a bit. It was weird–like a flare up of anxiety I forgot I had.

      1. Flying, yes. It was a necessity. I used to have a couple of drinks every time I flew. I figured that wasn’t practical when I graduated law school and started having to take day trips for depositions. I just did it. Now I have more anxiety about what to pack on trips than I do about flying.

   3. Yes definitely. Sometimes forcing myself to just do the thing is worth it, and it’s never as bad as I thought it was going to be.

      Somewhat related, I used to hate needles but then I got two tattoos and now I don’t care!

   4. Actually yes, sort of. It used to be that the very idea of travel made me nervous for some reason, I think I was intimidated by the logistics of it all and kept coming up with scary “what if” scenarios in my mind, but recently I went to Europe with my family, and Nashville with my boyfriend, and now I’m thinking that travel is fun and not nearly as scary as I thought, especially if you have someone to enjoy the good stuff – and navigate the tricky bits – with.

   5. I’d say it’s the only way to get rid of the anxiety. Avoidance perpetuates the cycle.

   6. Oh gosh yes. Public speaking and cold calling people (for any reason, including that they are clients). I had a job that required both, constantly. I am now praised for my ability to present and seem calm and my comfort with handling people on the phone.

   7. Yes. Talking on the phone, which I hate. I realized the other day that although I still don’t love it, I do it now with no avoidance tactics.

      When my husband was young he had a job that required him to walk on scary catwalks in an electric generating station. He was petrified but forced himself to do it and ultimately stopped being scared or even anxious about it.

   8. This works for me if I get better at the thing or if my experiences improve or stay the same. Repeatedly experiencing that something isn’t a big deal and is okay makes it boring/routine and not worthy of anxiety. But if the repeated experiences are negative or slowly getting worse, it increases the anxiety for me.

3. I’ve decided to starting to TTC in about 3 months and just stopped taking BC. I’m looking to download a fertility app. Any recommendations? There are so many options – any suggestions would be appreciated.

   1. I like Clue. It’s not cutesy.

      1. +1

   2. I use Fertility Friend. It’s basic and free and it works for tracking.

   3. I like Fertility Friend. Simple interface, not HORRIBLY cutesy.

   4. Not Glow. Super cutesy, horrible push notifications and the community seems to be a bunch of people that probably shouldn’t procreate…Second Fertility Friend.

   5. If you have Android, I liked Ovuview better than the more commercial alternatives.

   6. I’ve used Period Tracker on Android for years – switched to the Pro version when I was TTC 2yrs ago and using it again as we TTC #2. Easy to use, and way more accurate than Glow.

4. I’m getting frustrated and disheartened working with one particular boss (I have a team I work for). This boss likes to say, “Maybe we should…” “How do you feel about…” “What do you think…” “Let me know your thoughts” all of which are seemingly code for, “Employee, please do X task.” This is a 55-60 year old man, and I’m an intelligent 36 year old, and I’m dumbfounded that we can’t seem to communicate. I feel like an idiot because I don’t know when he wants my opinion (does he ever or is that just his peculiar phrasing?) and when he wants me to do things (when I’ve interpreted “maybe we should”s as a direction to do something, turns out he didn’t want it after all – or he wanted something else – or he had already changed his mind). I don’t want to pester him with repeated requests for clarification – because he’s super busy and hello, I actually am capable – but this is driving me nuts and is a pretty big source of stress for me. Tips on managing and improving this dynamic? I don’t have these problems with anyone else.

   1. Respond to the emails with whatever direct action item you’re planning to take. If it’s not what he actually wants, then the ball is back in his court to respond.

   2. I use those phrases a lot. I can’t speak to your boss’s exact usage, but when I use them, here’s what I mean:

      – I think we should do X. Please do that, unless you disagree, in which case, tell me what you think we should do instead.
      – I think we should do X, but I’m not certain if that’s feasible or if you have the bandwidth to do it. Please let me know if this is realistic, and some details on what it would take (time, resources) to get it done.
      – My high-level/strategic opinion is that we should do X, but I would like to consider viewpoints from people who are closer to some of the specifics of the situation.

      In most cases, when I ask for someone’s “thoughts” or “feelings” on a proposed plan of action, what I’m really looking for is: Do you think we should do this? Are you able to do this, and how long would it take? Is there something I’m unaware or seemingly not considering? Do you have a better idea?

      I realize, typing all this out, that I should be more direct in my communications and just ask these questions specifically. But I never realized this until literally this moment–perhaps your boss never has either.

      1. Then why don’t you just say that??

         1. Well, as I clearly stated in the last paragraph of my comment, it never occurred to me that people wouldn’t understand what I mean when I say, “What are your thoughts on this?”

            Just trying to help OP out; didn’t really leave that comment looking for feedback on my communication style.

            1. I say let me know your thoughts on X. It means exactly what I said, let me know your thoughts on X. I’ve not had a problem getting what I wanted. Shrug.

         2. It seems pretty clear to me.

   3. Can someone else on your team who works well with this boss help you translate these phrases?

   4. It depend’s. It sound’s like he is trying for you to do his work for him, all under the guys of seeing your “opinion”. In my case, the manageing partner asks these things also, but in my case it is clear he wants me to do everything, b/c even tho he asks for my opinion, he also is kind of on semi-retirement — it has been a few years since he actually went to court or drafted a breif. He is 100% into delegating and I am the person who is his WC go-to-girl! I figured this out when he hired me b/c while he was still working then, he was interested in finding someone cute who could exert my influence on his cleints as well as the court, and since then I have perfected my work in these areas. I do not think there is anything s-xueal in your case; there certainly is NOT in my case as Margie provides him with all he can handel In your case you should compare to what I have and hope that this helps! YAY!!!!

   5. When my boss(es) say, “I think we should do X”, to me it means, “Do X.” If for some reason X cannot be done, then I state it outright and give my boss the opportunity to revise instructions.

5. …can anyone share other methods of beating that feeling that you’ve missed the boat? Already in therapy and love it, but my therapist is on vacation this week and I could use a little extra help.

   Backstory: I didn’t take many risks in my 20s. I took reliable, safe jobs so I could pay off student loans and fund my 401k. I also didn’t take many dating risks. I just didn’t really put myself out there in any sense of the word. It’s like there was a voice in my head telling me to stay on this sensible path #oldestchildhere

   Now I have plenty in the bank and a secure, stable career, but I can’t stop looking back wishing I had taken the risks most of my friends did. Moving to other cities on a whim (or countries). Trying out the job that paid almost nothing for the experience. Writing that blog and fearlessly sharing my creative work. Going to get an ill-advised masters degree in the humanities. Dating the wrong guy for awhile. I did exactly none of these things.

   I have a wonderful life and I don’t want to just pick up and leave it, but I want to introduce something that will shake it up. I’m only 39 (which I know is not that young, but hopefully it’s not old yet); all the spontaneity and fun can’t be over yet, can it? Most of my friends are now doing the married with kids thing and don’t even have time to entertain this kind of conversation. How do I shake things up so I can start to write a better story for myself?

   1. Just…go. Enroll in a Latin dance class. Dream up a business plan for your dream semi-retirement job (I’m DYING to open an mini golf course haha). Take art classes. What piques your interest? Go do that. Others did what worked for them (writing, moving, etc) – what works for you?

      Two examples – I had long been a MAJOR stick-in-the-mud, but when I went back to law school in my 30s, I decided it was time to simply had fun…so I did. I just changed my mindset and decided to have fun – I said yes to invitations, etc.

      One is another friend of mine who was dying a slow death in a boring office job. She picked up a creative hobby and now travels all around the region doing exhibitions.

      Both of us just decided we were going to have fun, and we went out and did it.

      1. Literally I had this feeling and enrolled in salsa and tbh it was exactly the change I needed. And it reminded myself that I made my choices for good reasons and did my best and I have plenty of time to make different ones.

   2. Do you have a spouse or significant other? kids? I ask because it is hard to give suggestions without knowing how “tied down” you are.

   3. How about identifying a hobby and really diving into it? Like, sailing, rock climbing, mastering a type of cuisine, etc. Then sign up for lessons, take trips related to that hobby (a week in Tuscany at a cooking school!), really invest in it/yourself.

   4. I bet the people who did those things are envious of your stability.

      And you know what stability can buy you? The ability to do awesome spontaneous things in a responsible (and luxurious) way. Your friends took a gap year to go backpacking through Europe… well now you can take 2 weeks and stay in some of the best hotels in the world. Plus you don’t have to waste time hitchhiking or taking long connecting flights or any of the time-wasting money-saving things those kids did, so you can make the most of your 2 weeks.

      And take weekend trips! You don’t have to work this weekend? Go to a city you’ve never been to. Or check out a local spa. Or a hiking trail. Or rock climbing gym. Or literally anything you want because you can afford it! You have so much freedom you don’t even know you have – enjoy it!

   5. I would kill to be in your shoes. Travel! Do something with all that money! You have to make it happen for yourself.

   6. You can do that stuff now. Start your blog, date inappropriate people, go book a trip somewhere exciting. Just because some of your peers are staying at home raising children doesn’t mean that you can’t go have your excitement right now.

   7. OH man … I want to be your Adventure Coach.

      How about you post here once a week asking for assignments for one ::doable:: adventure you can take on that week. And then you report back to us about what you did? We can help. : )

      1. I’m not OP, but I want an adventure coach!

         1. How do we make this a regular feature?

            1. We could also set up a dating switchboard offering only inappropriate matches! Don’t worry OP, you will NOT meet a good partner through this–duds only!

            2. Yes yes yes to regular adventure coach feature!

               IDK about the inappropriate match switchboard. Isn’t that what dating apps already do?

            3. Yes, I would totally sign up for that coach.

               Given the fact that I’m having a text “fight” with a guy I haven’t even meet yet (he refused to pick something after we agreed to meet, but rejects all my proposals. At this point, I don’t even want to meet him in person), I think I’m doing just fine in finding duds on my own.

         2. Ha! I’m the Anonymous at 3:59. And I actually am a life coach. It’s a lot of fun to help people step out and try new areas, which are often unrelated to the issue they came to see me about. Opening up creativity and adventure often shakes loose apparently unrelated areas of life.

            I’ve never thought of adding ::actual:: adventure coaching to what I offer. That would be such a fun thing to do!

   8. I’m a few years younger than you but I feel very similarly.

      You wouldn’t know this looking at me or working with me but I date all sorts of inappropriate men. Honestly, I think it helps.

      I also travel as much as I can and try to do whatever things are fun in my city. I did think I missed the boat but I realized it’s really fun to do the inappropriate things now. I’m more emotionally stable so dating inappropriate men is just fun, not deeply upsetting as I remember it was for my friends in their early 20s.

      1. Not OP, but was there anything in particular that helped you become more emotionally stable? I’m afraid to date inappropriate men precisely because I don’t think I have the emotional stability for it!

         1. Anon at 4:13 here – I think two things. One I just grew up and don’t care as much about all the BS that I used to care about.

            Second, (this may be terrible), but I have a very clear delineation in my mind between the appropriate men and inappropriate ones and because I know ahead of time what I’m getting myself into (it’s usually just s3x and fun), I don’t let myself get emotionally attached. I just don’t let down my guard enough to risk it i.e. no sleepovers.

      2. What do you mean by inappropriate men?

         1. What don’t I mean lol… guys I am incompatible with in all ways except physical, super young guys who are fun, older men, guys who are really fun but don’t understand my lifestyle (or they work opposite hours so a real relationship would never really work – all the DJs and bartenders).

            I don’t date guys who are terrible for me or to me, but I date all sorts of guys who may not make the best life partners for all sorts of reasons but are fun to hang out with.

   9. I’m turning 38 in a few weeks and relate to this so much, the difference being that I am married with kids. I have a lot to be thankful for, but I completely understand the feeling of wishing you’d taken more risks and had more fun in your 20s. Now the stakes seem too high to flit about from job to job, and passion to passion. Believe me, I’ve had major career ennui in the past two years and wondering if this is it.

      What’s helped me a lot is carving out time for hobbies that have zero overlap with my professional world and allow me to escape. For me, they’ve been very active hobbies: kayaking (always wanted a boat), paddleboarding (love the water), and running (I’m terrible at it, but I feel so proud for doing it anyway). I feel more free and relaxed, even though my life hasn’t changed significantly. I still have the same job and the same stressors. But they’re easier to deal with because I’m making time to just have fun.

      So, you don’t need to chuck it all and move to Tahiti, unless you really want to. Taking small steps toward having an adventure *within the confines of your existing life* doesn’t make for a grand story, but it can make life much more joyful.

      1. My husband and I made a bucket list of things we’ve always wanted to do, large and small. If I feel stale I check it and plan something.

6. Did there used to be some rule about not eating fish in restaurants on Sunday and Monday under the theory that the fish market’s delivery would’ve been Friday and thus you wouldn’t be getting fresh stuff? Specifically asking about NYC restaurants. Random topic that came up at a party yesterday and 1/2 people remembered it and 1/2 thought it was a joke. Anyone remember this? Does it still apply or can you assume your salmon was safely frozen weeks ago?

   1. I feel like I heard about this recently – I think I read an old piece by Anthony Bourdain after he died and he mentioned it.

      1. +1. I think Anthony Bourdain wrote that in Kitchen Confidential. It’s been a few years since I read it though.

      2. Yes it’s from Kitchen Confidential.

         1. I read this in Kitchen Confidential years ago and have always followed the advice.

   2. I think this has been mostly disproven in larger cities. I would still take this into consideration in a smaller town that gets few tourists etc.

   3. Hadn’t heard of that, but I have heard that dollar oyster and other discounted fish specials are usually intended to offload fish that’s about to go bad, before the restaurant’s next shipment, so that product doesn’t get wasted, but it’s probably still safe to eat as long as proper storage guidelines were followed.

7. No SO, no kids. I’m dating but just haven’t met the right guy yet. I do own my condo in a HCOL I like. Job is great. I work 40 hr weeks pretty consistently and have six weeks vacation that I can take whenever I want. I don’t really want to switch jobs, but definitely open to mixing it up in other ways.

   1. It’s definitely not too late to mix it up and put yourself out there! Do you have any specific regrets? Any specific risks you’d like to take but are afraid to? Is there anything you’re passionate about and love to do, or anything you’ve always wanted to do?

      It sounds like you have some general ennui but don’t want to tear everything up. You could travel–take all 6 weeks off together and go on the adventure of a lifetime. You could start a creative project. You could start a side business and see if it takes off. You could take up a new hobby, even if it’s one that seems like you’d never be good at. Or you could try a new hobby or class every month for a year and blog about how it goes (as a tone-deaf person with no athletic ability and whose craft projects look like a 5-year-old’s, this last one kindof appeals to me).

   2. I’m just gonna put this out there – lower your standards, go on a dating app, sleep around. Some of my fondest memories are from when I did exactly that to get over a broken relationship. I’m in a better relationship now but I wouldn’t give up my “ho” days for anything.

8. I made an appointment for a therapist this weekend. I don’t think I’m depressed, well, I’m not sad or anything, but I feel really apathetic about a lot of things – work, exercise, a charity I’m on the board for, and I feel like I just am not moving forward in anything.

   I’m really annoyed with this therapist because I booked her through ZocDoc, which showed her as being in network for my insurance. Then after I booked, she sent an e-mail to me that she isn’t in-network for my specific insurance plan – which is BS because I never even sent her which plan I have, I just think she’s not in-network for any insurance. So, I’m debating if I go and suck it up and pay the $150 for the session or if I cancel because that’s a really shady practice. If I cancel, I probably won’t make another appointment for a while because when I search for doctors through my insurance, they don’t list their hours and I’ll have to call all of them to see if they have weekend or evening appointments because my job has no flexibility during working hours (8am-7pm). I just don’t have time right now to call doctor after doctor to be told that none of them have weekend or night availability (because anyone one that takes insurance usually doesn’t)…

   I’m mostly just venting, but feel free to give any advice on what you would do in this scenario.

   1. I would cancel and find an in-network therapist. I doubt you will make progress in one session, and you will just have to repeat it with someone else. I take the last session of the day so I only have to miss one hour of work.

   2. When I’m depressed, I get apathetic not sad. I would keep the appointment, since (1) you admit that you would not do the work to make an appointment with a different person and (2) at least in my city, it is near impossible to find a therapist that takes insurance.

   3. I work with Zocdoc and other companies like them. It’s entirely possible the practice ran your info even without your insurance card. The tech exists for them to blast your name and DOB or SS# and see what insurance you have and determine your eligibility. If you have a bad vibe about them though, cancel!!

      I’m actually noting your specific predicament (not therapy specifically- but lack of time and need to know practice hours) as something consumers/members need. I also consult on health plan website design and this stuff is super helpful to know. Best of luck finding a good fit.

9. If you’re planning to go in angry and think she’s a shady liar, and only do one session…that’s a bad way to get started, and a near guarantee that you’ll not want to listen to anything she says.

   How about you just ask her if there’s a misunderstanding, because you didn’t sent insurance info (did the app track you and send it to her for you when you booked through it)?

   1. Another possibility is that she’s listed with your insurance because she used to be paneled with them, but no longer is, and the app hasn’t updated that yet. It wasn’t necessarily intentional deception.

      1. True, but I feel like this is a pretty consistent theme in NYC. Each of the therapists I checked with night and weekend appointments that said they were in network with my insurance on ZocDoc are not on my insurance’s site as being in network.

         1. I don’t know why you’re blaming the practitioners here and not ZocDoc . . .

         2. Unfortunately, in order to find the right person and have a good experience I think you need to make the time to call around. AND/OR if you’re going to pay full price you might as well have your top pick of all the therapists that don’t take insurance rather than sticking with this one.

            Also, maybe ZocDoc is the problem and not the provider?

            1. I think that’s a fair point, it could be ZocDoc, but I just assumed that ZocDoc is taking the information provided to them by the provider.

               It seems to be a NYC issue that most therapists don’t take insurance, like the poster above noted for her city.

               Does anyone have recommendations for a good therapist in NYC that has late night or weekend appointments?

   2. It sounds predatory to me. Tricking vulnerable people into booking an appointment that they likely won’t cancel.

      1. I just don’t understand people like you who always assume the worst about everything. Isn’t that an exhausting way to live life?

10. Try going through The Artist’s Way. A little woo but it’s a lot about getting in touch with what really excites/inspires you vs shoulds, and it doesn’t require abandoning your current life. It’s a combination of journaling and assignments. And as someone who has an MFA and didn’t really figure out a reliable career path until my 30s, I think your way has a lot to to be said for it!

    1. I second this.

11. The stitching on this bag reminds me of the vinyl seats in my parents’ Ford Pinto from the 1970s. Pass.

    1. It looks very much like the chairs that the CVG airport had in the 90s.

       1. Yes that’s what I was thinking – airport chairs!

    2. Ooohh, good call! That and the price tag.

    3. I am definitely getting a grandma vibe from this purse.

    4. The proportion of the stitching is frumpy and the colors are not doing the bag any favors.

    5. I wouldn’t spend $3k on it but the car upholstery look (tuck and roll, American Graffiti, anyone?) is what I find fun and appealing about it.

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