Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Silk Feminine Blouse

369 Comments

1. I remember once that someone posted here about struggling with a husband who was very depressed, despite treatment, and the poster was questioning whether it was OK to leave simply to have a chance at joy each day. Now my best friend is going through something similar – her husband, who has long struggled with being an equal partner in terms of responsibilities, is in a deep, deep depression that high doses of medication aren’t touching. She’s tried everything to support him, although some of the resentment about their severely unequal workloads seeps in, but things are worsening and he spends many days essentially non-functional (staring blankly on couch while kids need him, forgetting to give them dinner). She was sobbing on the phone to me yesterday and considering whether they need to separate (with two young kids in the picture). Did that OP ever leave, or if you stayed, did anything help such a severe depression?

   1. people with severe depression usually have recurrences, it’s a chronic illness. Nobody but your friend can decide if the balance of their relationship is one she can live with or not…..

   2. Have her read the book Lost Connections by Hari. Not for him, for her.

      1. Another book recommendation is “Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave.” Gets recommended here often and is worth the read.

   3. Have they tried in patient treatment? It was invaluable for my family member. It allowed him to concentrate on healing, and allowed his partner to breath and single-parent their kids, vs. single-parenting kids + partner. It allowed the separation that seemed to be in the cards, but in a good, improving way vs. in a way that felt punitive to the depressed partner. 6 weeks at a pleasant private facility, somewhat covered by insurance. (Kind of like rehab, to be honest). Medications were checked and calibrated by experts with time to concentrate on the individual patient, and there was plenty of therapy as well as leisure activities.

      1. Haven’t tried and options are likely to be slim to non-existent in their rural area, but at this point, it sounded like nothing is off the table. Things can’t go on as they are. I feel so damn bad for her and for them.

         1. It’ll probably have to be hours away. As I understand it there isn’t a lot of opportunity for visits during in patient treatment anyway, so it’s not as if other people will be seeing their family daily or weekly while he’s stuck in there alone.

            1. +1

               It sounds like hospitalization is needed.

      2. + 1

         My colleague’s husband ended up having to go to a facility three states away to find a suitable treatment program (depression + ocd). But he was able to successfully complete the program and follow up treatments at home.

         It was a rough few months on her own with 3 young kids but a few months is a blip in the lifetime of a marriage.

   4. It sounds like he’s in treatment, but medication is not working. Would she still be considering separation if he were suffering from a different severe condition that limited his function? Sometimes a perception that depression is more voluntary or more about willpower or character makes people feel differently about it than if someone had something like refractory MS that was making them similarly non-functional. It’s understandable given how mental illness is conceptualized (and stigmatized), but I think it can make the ordeal of having an ill household member harder.

      Is it possible, since high doses of the medication are not touching his symptoms, that he’s been misdiagnosed? It happens and happened to me; the medications were actually making it worse since my symptoms were never depression to begin with.

      1. Agree with this.

      2. This line of reasoning kept me in a terrible relationship for far too long. I’m so glad I finally stopped listening to the “would you leave if he had cancer” people. OPs friend deserves a far more fulfilling life.

         1. Suffering a terrible relationship is different than supporting someone you deeply love through something painful.

            1. Nope, it really isn’t. My husband had depression like described here. At some point it’s okay to say that’s enough, I deserve more than this. When someone has cancer, it’s a two way street – you still get an emotional connection. With depression, you don’t. It’s tragic and I feel deeply for the person suffering but that doesn’t mean she has to as well. It’s a terrible situation to be in and unless you’ve been on the other side you have no idea what you’re talking about.

            2. You often DON’T get an emotional connection with other chronic and life-threatening diseases. While you want depression to look different from those, it really isn’t.

               For the OP, I suggest finding resources for herself – NAMI has support groups for mental illness; there are other caregiver support groups and orgs for partners of people living with chronic illness. She will find she is not alone, and many of their resources are virtual or online post-Covid.

            3. Sorry but you just have no idea what you’re talking about.

         2. Yeah, not getting appropriate treatment is a choice. Even when depressed. It’s not the same as something like cancer where there might not be an appropriate treatment.

            1. What makes you think that there’s an appropriate treatment?

               High doses of medications implies that he is getting treatment, but it may also be a red flag that his care team may not be competent (high dose polypharmacy is often a sign of flailing). Anti-depressants outperform placebo for approximately 15% of patients in trials, so while they are wonderful and lifesaving for many, they also aren’t a simple fix for most people with relevant symptoms.

               Patients shouldn’t have to second guess their doctors and may not be in a position to do so, but this is why some people are suggesting further work up or intensive in-patient intervention. There are whole lists of psychiatric and non-psychiatric illnesses that are often misdiagnosed as depression initially.

         3. +1. I left my depressed spouse after years of putting up with things I never should have put up with in the name of supporting him through a depression. In hindsight, he was a jerk and I lost years of my life. It’s ok to say you deserve better – I am very happily remarried and very thankful to myself for making the decision to leave, even though I felt tremendous guilt at the time.

            1. This, exactly. Right there with you.

      3. I’m sure she would consider separation if some other condition made their home as miserable as it currently is. The full picture is beyond the scope of comments here, but he’s snarling and yelling at their four-year-old about 50 times a day, for starters.

         1. Oh geez, the poor kid. I feel for your friend, what a terrible situation to be in.

         2. It’s so unfair of him to expect her to stay. Absolutely selfish.

         3. That helps me understand; not doing chores and staring into space while both ill and probably overmedicated sounded more like a bad medical team issue.

            But if he’s snarling and yelling at a small child, it kind of doesn’t matter why.

         4. With this information, she needs to do what will keep her child safe both physically and emotionally. It’s not ok to expose a child to a home like that.

            However, he will get 50/50 custody by default. It sounds like he won’t exercise his right to physical custody, but she should be aware that if he does, the child will be alone with him and there’s not much she can do about it. It’s such a tough choice.

            1. You don’t know that.

            2. > he will get 50/50 custody by default.

               I think many lawyers would be very capable of ensuring this doesn’t happen. Kind of a layup based on what she’s saying.

            3. We don’t know, but this is a fair warning. In a lot of places, it takes a really high bar to remove custody, and “he yells” or “he is depressed” is not that bar. I know someone who regularly self-harms (plenty of evidence) and still has partial custody of their children. It’s real concern for people in this situation (or the spouses of alcoholics, drug addicts, and violent people).
               I’m the person who left my ex above and one of the reasons was that I had a pregnancy scare and realized that, if we had a baby I would possibly have to leave the baby alone with my now-ex, and that thought filled me with such existential dread that I left my marriage.

            4. I suggested a lawyer in part because it sounds like this guy may be too depressed to engage meaningfully in a custody battle, both financially and emotionally.

      4. As someone with multiple family members with severe mental illness, I am going to say that you have no effing clue what you’re talking about. Some people with severe mental illness are also terrible people who cause harm to others around them. Others are not inherently terrible people but the illness will still cause them to take their families down with them. Only a very few people, who are actively working to manage their disease and who consistently display care and concern for their family members, are worthy of the sacrifice required to stay with them. On top of that, when you have kids your responsibility to them is greater than your responsibility to your spouse, and if the situation is harming the kids you must get them out no matter what.

         1. The point was that we can make a difficult situation more hurtful when we look at the symptoms of any illness as a deliberate choice (and it’s very, very easy and common to ascribe ill intent whenever we’re hurt). It’s not that no one ever makes hurtful deliberate choices.

   5. Been there with husband who had a life threatening illness for which he refused to get proper medical care. He finally did after I gave him an ultimatum that he needed to get care or I was leaving and taking our two sons with me. If your friend has not already given him this ultimatum, she could try that and be prepared to actually leave, not just for her sake but for the little ones too, especially if he presents a safety risk to anyone in the family. The good news is that there are some newer treatment options for medication-resistant depression (ex. transcranial magnetic stimulation). Academic medical centers should be able to help him find some options that work. If your friend thinks at any time that he is a risk to himself or others then it’s a 911 call and let the responders handle it. (I work in the mental health field). Hugs to you and your friend.

      1. It sounds like he isn’t refusing to get care, just the care his medical team is providing isn’t doing the job. The right diagnosis takes time, competence, and resources. This won’t be magically fixed.

   6. This was my husband but with undiagnosed OCD. We lost two years of our life due to initial misdiagnosis and wrong meds that exacerbated the issue. Inpatient treatment for two months was life giving for me and lifesaving for him. People go to inpatient facilities across the country all the time. Highly recommend that be the next option for this family, including your friend requesting this as an ultimatum. If he is deemed not severe enough for inpatient, there are partial hospitalization programs with supportive housing that can be a good fit while getting him away from home so both he and his family have the break they need.

   7. I’m sorry I don’t have time for a more in depth comment but my father was like this and she should leave. Only caveat is trying in patient treatment first if it hasn’t been tried. My life was so much better without him in it.

   8. I have a friend who is going through something similar. They separated and it’s a LOT easier on both parents. They aren’t divorcing, just living apart.

   9. I am not that original OP, but I have lived that life. People who have not been the spouse of a severally mentally ill person will simply not understand. I was living in a household that was a bad environment for my children, sacrificing my life for a person who was treating me like dirt.

      First, your friend should put her mask on. I’m glad she’s talking to you, a friend. She should unabashedly hire babysitters, get convenience food, etc. She can take the kids for a fun weekend trip without him. NAMI Family Support groups were great and free. The books “How You Survive When They’re Depressed” and “Depression Fallout” by Anne Sheffield for instrumental for me to understand how my good marriage turned into a nightmare.

      Second, she should meet with a family law attorney in her area. She does *not* need to decide whether to get separated or divorced at this moment, but she needs to be informed to make good choices.

      Third, she should talk directly to her husband. His current treatment is not effective, she cannot do this anymore, and they need to treat this like a medical emergency. Residential treatment, intensive outpatient programs, psychiatrist waitlists, whatever.

      Fourth, if he is not willing to change his treatment in a serious way, she should leave him.

      I went through all of this with young children. When I told my husband we were getting divorced, it was the kick in the gut that he needed. Currently, he is on new meds, going to a NAMI group, exercising, etc. We ended up staying together. I am glad I went through all of the above.

   10. I have a few concrete steps for your friend and her husband to try, if they haven’t already. I’m not going to speak to leaving; I personally think it’s too soon if the below steps haven’t been tried.

       1. They need to go to the psychiatry department of the medical school of whatever the best university in the state is. The vast majority of regular hang-out-a-shingle psychiatrists simply are not capable of handling truly complex cases. (Tell me he’s not just seeing his PCP!!) How many meds is he taking? How long has been taking them? I respond nearly instantaneously to meds, and it still took 2.5 years of meeting with my psychiatrist weekly to adjust my dosages, change meds, get my prescriptions right. I now take 5 different meds every day to keep my depression in check. Five! I take old-fashioned drugs and brand-new drugs; I take a dose so small of one it shouldn’t matter and I take well above the FDA max of another. He needs a specialized specialist who can do all this mixing and matching. Anyways, if he goes to the university medical center, they’re more likely to have the knowledge to treat him. Yes, I know they’re in a rural area – nearly all docs do telehealth these days after an initial appointment.

       2. Meds are by no means the end all be all! There are electric and magnetic transcranial options. K eta mine works well for some people. My doc described in-patient time as such a kind and therapeutic environment, as someone described above, because the docs are right there to adjust meds and focus on you and getting you healthy and stable. There are options. And you need to be with a university to get access to many of these treatments.

       Depression is a chronic illness. He isn’t choosing to be like this. It’s not a moral failing on his part. (The only moral failing would be if he is in his right mind and refuses treatment.) If he’s this bad, yes, your friend will have to do the legwork to get him an appointment, but so long as he goes, he’s saying he wants to get better, even if his words about it are grouchy.

       I thank God all the time that I’m alive now when there are treatment options. Because I absolutely would have dashed myself on a rock or some such in centuries past because depression HURTS in a way I can’t describe. No one anywhere ever wants to feel like that.

       And I am so, so thankful that my husband understands this is an illness and that when things get bad, we just have another Zoom call with the doc and try again. And I don’t have the words to describe how grateful I am for my psychiatrist.

       I genuinely and truly wish your friend and her husband the very best.

       1. +1 to all of this.

       2. Thank you for sharing your story; this gives me some hope for people who have not made progress seeing local people.

   11. I’m so sorry she is in this place. It sounds like they need to explore different forms of treatment ASAP as he is borderline catatonic. ECT is often effective in severe depression, although it carries with it pretty significant side effects, as is in-patient treatment. NAMI and/or Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support groups might be a good option for her in the meantime. Depression is a real illness and can be hard to treat, but treatment is available. If he is this severely ill, he is probably not capable of pushing for more/better help.

   12. Has he tried ketamine?

       1. They’re talking about it now. If he tries it, it will be if she arranges everything and marches him in the door, but at this point, whatever it takes.

          Thanks so much everyone for the helpful suggestions. She’s open to them at this point so it’s very useful.

       2. I deeply regret trying at-home ketamine therapy. Proceed with caution.

   13. Look into a partial hospitalization/IOP intensive outpatient program. Many are now exclusively online, with several hours of zoom groups and 1:1s with providers. He could participate despite being in a rural area as long as it’s in the same state. It’s worked for several family members.

   14. This doesn’t specifically address your question, but it could help your friend, as it has me. My husband has suffered from treatment-resistant depression for most of his adult life. He got TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) at the end of last year and it has been life-changing (in his own words). It is covered by most insurance but it does require multiple times a week treatment for a couple months. In the depths of his depression (prior to TMS), he did a course of ketamine treatment at a doctor’s office, and he also says that saved his life; it can help the person get out of the depths of their depression. He still gets ketamine treatments every couple months post-TMS to help with his anxiety. Big hugs to anyone who suffers from depression/anxiety and their spouses – I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It is a very hard road; know that there are other people who know what you are going through. Hopefully your friend can encourage her husband to try these treatments and see if they help him and, in turn, their marriage.

2. First the CFP trophy and now the Pope! I would not let JD Vance near me at this point (not that I would’ve at any other point).

   1. +1. It should be enough that I hate his politics and what he’s doing to the country. But that man gives me the visceral ick with such strength that I find it alarming. Am I clocking that he’s deeply disingenuous or do I simply not like his face because he’s ugly? I’m not usually this repulsed by unattractive people.

      1. I still wonder how he got Gabriel Basso to play him in his biopic!

      2. The issue is he’s unattractive but highly intelligent, ambitious and dangerous, and that’s a truly hateable combination. Trump is just unattractive.

         1. Trump is also a lot less unattractive than Vance. I mean he’s old now and overweight and even if he weren’t a creep I wouldn’t want to sleep with him because I’m 40 years younger than him and he looks like a grandpa. But when he was younger he was fine looking, even decently attractive though not a super handsome guy. Vance is way worse than normal/decent; he’s actually really unattractive.

      3. I have that same reaction. I think I’m clocking that he’s cruel, craven, and totally false hypocrite with little piggy eyes.

   2. That was the first thing that went through my head when I saw the headlines this morning- oh no, JD Vance killed the pope! That man who claims to be a Catholic should probably pay more attention to the words of the pope. From his final Easter speech: “I appeal to all those in positions of political responsibility in our world not to yield to the logic of fear which only leads to isolation from others, but rather to use the resources available to help the needy, to fight hunger and to encourage initiatives that promote development. These are the “weapons” of peace: weapons that build the future, instead of sowing seeds of death!”

      1. Same here! I asked my husband what the chances were that JD offed him yesterday…

         1. Can we send him for a visit with Putin, please?

      2. All that karma catching up to him

   3. I don’t like JD Vance, but um, he didn’t kill the pope – an 88 year old with 1.5 lungs who just spent a month in a hospital.

      1. Obviously not. But it seems pretty likely that the stress of Easter and everything he did yesterday, including meeting with JD Vance, was probably the reason for the exact timing of his death.

         1. Oh good grief. Knock it off.

      2. It’s a joke, Janet.

      3. No shit, Sherlock.

   4. Thank you for the reference to the CFP trophy + JD Vance. I didn’t know about it and so I watched this video discussing it – hahhahahahahaha so bad, so good.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14ZtYk8OxSA

      1. and you KNOW Trump is just mortified and beyond angry that JD messed up. Twice!

   5. Maybe he should meet with Putin next.

      1. Yes please! Or just hang out with Trump more.

         1. No! President Vance would be way worse than Trump.

3. Do anything clothing stores regularly carry the “tall” size of their clothing? I’m 5’10” and slender. In the aughts I only bought pants at hollister because they always carried the “long” version of everything in store. These days I’m a professional and need/want more mature and higher quality clothing. Reformation, Banana Republic, Athleta all have long versions of their pants but never in store to try on. I have to figure out my size in the store and then order online and cross my fingers. I’m willing to pay a higher price point for pants that fit without a million trips to return things at UPS. Any ideas?

   1. Specifically for pants and shorts, at BR and Athleta I find the “long” versions are consistently just that: longer inseams. I can order my regular waist size and a long inseam without trial & error. The “tall” versions are usually a bit longer in the waist as well as in the inseam and can be a bit hit or miss.

      If you can’t find sizes in store, can you order all the sizes in one go and return in store all the items that don’t fit? Still a hassle, but less so than dealing with return shipping.

   2. I’m your height and have found that the Nordstrom personal shopper can find me pants that are long enough for my legs, even if they are not labeled tall. Have only used for suits/professional wear, though.

   3. I don’t have good luck with anything but jeans in tall sizes carried in store, except for the rare lucky find on a sale rack. I opt for stores that have a local brick and mortar that I can just return at the store. So I’ll order the correct size (or two) and then return as needed.

   4. I have a 5-8 kid and have given up on pants other than the talls at BR, Athleta, Gap, and Old Navy. Now sure how well they work for someone who is 5-10. I feel that NIL endorsements for pants that fit women’s college hoops players would be money well spent and worth paying attention to.

   5. No one carries anything in-store anymore, ordering and returning is the way things are done now.

      1. This.

   6. Madewell carries tall/long denim in store.

   7. It’s not higher quality, but both Zara and H&M tend to run long. My 5’11 friend can wear H&M pants off the rack.

   8. Just do a giant order to learn your sizing. I am the same measurements and like BR, Athleta, Boden ( tall jumpsuits!
      Ann Taylor has some talls

   9. Gap will have long in some pants. They don’t stock their tall/extra long, but you’d need like a 36” inseam for that. You can also tend to find longer pants designed to be hemmed from designer brands.

4. In search of the perfect bag to carry on beach walks and curious if anyone has seen something:
   – Water-resistant fabric; gets splashed when we’re walking in ankle-deep water
   – Big enough to hold two sunglasses cases, two phones, and maybe one baggie’s worth of other stuff
   – Strap for carrying dangling from one hand or wrist; do not want a clutch/pouch type of thing (hands get cramped!) or a crossbody or a belt bag (these rub too much in swimwear). We are talking like 5-6 mile walks here so any discomfort is magnified.

   A drawstring bag seems like it would be perfect for this, but I’ve only found one that came close, the Topologie Reversible Bucket Bag. I almost purchased, but reviews about shipping problems gave me pause. Plus you have to buy an extra piece to have a handle, ugh.

   I’ve seen some larger envelope-shaped wristlets, but those are prone to flapping around in the wind and hitting you on the leg.

   I did check the top Etsy hits but most of them are too simple (like, designed to be a wet bag for inside a beach bag, not to be carried around).

   Anywhere that obviously needs to up their SEO game that I missed?

   1. I would use a small backpack. https://www.rei.com/product/227900/rei-co-op-flash-18-pack

      1. +1, from my pov it sounds like you’d need something closer to hiking gear.

      2. OP here – backpacks (that one included) looks about 3-4x bigger than what’s needed, plus I want it to be handheld. Backpacks are hot to wear!

         1. Not if you get a good one! People hike with them all the time.

            1. Yep. The REI one is very small and lightweight. It’s super nice to have hands free and I’ve worn it in all temps just fine.

            2. OP here. Please trust me that I do not want to wear a backpack and neither does my spouse. We have super lightweight drawstring backpacks – like the kind you get from races – which actually are the right size and we don’t want to use them. Handheld bag.

               This is for walking 5-6 miles round trip from our chairs on the Jersey shore. A backpack would look ridiculous in addition to not being what we want!

            3. People are saying a backpack because it’s the only reasonable option given your parameters.

               That being said – I also take ~5 mile long walks (Avalon jetty to Stone Harbor) on the beach. I don’t know why you need to bring so much with you. I either leave everything at my chair and am wearing my sunglasses or if I’m bringing my phone, I just carry it in my hand.

               Occasionally we’ll walk to the Windrift for lunch. In that case I wear my coverup, carry my phone abc slip my ID and credit card in my phone case, and carry my flip flops. It’s fine. Or, if I don’t feel like carrying that in my hand, I’ll throw it in my beach bag (a straw tote from Amazon) and carry that.

            4. After 20 years of beach walks, please trust that we have our preferences – the little Baggu someone linked below just might be perfect. Also Avalon here so, um, if you see a 40-ish couple with the Baggu on your walks this summer… feel free to say hi :)

   2. Those nylon drawstring bags that come with 5k entries seem perfect for this. They can be worn as a backpack, a shoulder bag, or a wristlet. They aren’t waterproof but they do dry really quickly. They stuff down into nothing. I keep a couple in each car for impromptu farmers market & library trips, in my gym bag for shoes or wet gear, and like that I can toss them in the laundry easily.

      1. That came to my mind as well. Why buy something when you probably have 75 of them stuffed on a closet shelf.

   3. I’d look for a bag from a high end rainwear company — Stutterheim has bags, as does Rains. I hear you on not wanting a backpack (and agree!)

      1. maybe one of these? you could remove the crossbody strap.
         https://stutterheim.com/en-us/accessories/bags/biblio-bag-green
         https://stutterheim.com/en-us/accessories/bags/svea-bag-mini-green
         https://www.us.rains.com/collections/small-bags/products/box-bag

   4. It sounds like you’re describing a nylon wristlet, but two sunglasses cases and two phones is a lot of bulk to dangle from a wrist.

      But maybe something like this? https://shopgoldenrule.com/products/baggu-mini-nylon-bucket-bag-in-peppercorn

      1. Oh man this may be it! Thank you!

         1. This is really cute and seems like it fits the bill–please report back!

   5. I wouldn’t want a backpack either, and I also don’t think you’re carrying too much stuff.

      This looks like it’s made for this – Dock & Bay Small Waterproof Dry Bag, 5L capacity – Whitsunday Blue.

      Dagne Dover has a Neoprene bucket bag – Nico Bucket Bag. It looks to be a little bigger than the Topologie one though.

   6. Is a fanny pack out of the question? That’s what I use for these exact kind of needs.

   7. IKEA has durable plastic bags in small sizes with short straps in the stores. Also, those clear stadium bags that are PCV. I feel like stores in college towns and even gas stations sell them now since most venues are clear-bag-only.

   8. I honestly can’t picture from your description what you’re looking for, but why don’t you just make one yourself?

   9. Something that big will be too heavy for your wrist. It sounds like you don’t want something on your body because of heat/friction/general aversion? I think you’ll be happier if you get creative with pockets. Maybe loose linen shorts (or rolled up pants) with decent sized pockets for your phones, and a light breezy linen button up shirt with a pocket at the chest for sunglasses?

   10. Wear your sunglasses on your head and carry your phones in your pockets. You do not need a separate bag for this.

       1. OP here. Sunglass nose pads get stuck in my hair and who the heck has pockets in a swimsuit?

          The Baggu above is exactly what I wanted. Thanks all!

          1. Your husband’s swim trunks seriously don’t have pockets? You’re walking 5-6 miles in JUST a bathing suit, with no shorts or coverup?

             1. 1. Not that fits a phone comfortably – those things are blocky.
                2. Yup. With plenty of sunscreen.

             2. My thighs could never. Credit to yours for no chub rub!

   11. Have you looked at Sportsac?

   12. Use one of those cell phone arm band holders that runners use. Can put on your arm or carry in your hand. Sunglasses are on your face no? And if not, just hook on the front of your swimsuit/DH puts his sunglasses in his pocket.

       1. Or an attachment around your water bottle? I’m assuming a 5 mile beach walk involves carrying a small water bottle?

5. Any suggestions on how to set up my iPhone to better manage texts? I want to be able to get texts from my senior mom. But I don’t want to receive anyone else’s overnight and early mornings. Right now I mute the worst offenders. But sometimes I miss their texts during the day then. I know I could just move the phone into another room, but I do want to be available for my mom if needed (and I travel a lot so not always feasible).

   I wish people would use the same courtesy they do about physically calling during off hours, but alas that’s not the world we’re in.

   1. You can set exceptions to Do Not Disturb.

      1. +1 to this. Easy solution!

      2. This. And it’s really up to you to manage your phone’s alerts because they are completely customizable. Google is very helpful for this kind of question.

         1. I hope taking the time to time to write this made your day better. I love when people throw more kindness into the world and make it a better place.

            1. Why? It’s not mean. I can’t get over how many people don’t realize how easily they can get information to solve common tech problems and how many “pet peeves” are within their own control.

            2. Telling someone not to ask for advice after the advice was received and informing them of the existence of Google. You’re right. How could anyone see that as anything but pure kindness?

               Good for you. Time well spent.

            3. Clearly many people here are unaware of the existence of Google and Chat GPT among other resources.

            4. Yes, so very valuable indeed to make that point…? Go touch grass, my friend.

   2. Check out the Do Not Disturb settings. You can add your mom to allow notifications from her while silencing everyone else, and set it up to run on a schedule.

      I hear you on the last point. My husband is on call for work so can’t keep his phone silenced, and his mom will go through spurts of texting him the most random stuff very early in the morning. My mom will occasionally do it to me late at night but I have mine silenced all the time so it’s less disruptive.

   3. I use a Focus for this. It schedules the quiet hours and I bake in the exceptions and don’t have to think about it once it is set up.

   4. Thank you, all! I can’t say enough how much I appreciate the help. I love this community.

   5. I practice phone hours with texts — I think anything after 9:30 or before 8 is rude. I will do DMs on social platforms like Bluesky after hours, though.

6. Fed here checking in. Still in limbo. I know my agency is going to be reorged with significant staff cuts, but no one knows when or who or how many. Lots of people are starting to leave (from the second DRP) that was offered and departures are very slowly starting to happen (though most don’t know their last day yet). Every single day I walk down the hall and several people are crying. People cry in almost every meeting.

   People who took the DRP were forced to make that decision with very, very limited info: you know major cuts and a reorg are coming but you don’t know when, who will be effected, how many cuts, etc. This was a life changing, family impacting decision that had to be made in a few days with almost no info.

   For those who weren’t eligible to take the DRP (most staff) or didn’t take it, we know and fear that every single day could be our last day. It’s impossible to make short or long term plans because we just don’t know. Most of us won’t get severance if we are RIFd, so it’s just unemployment and my savings if I’m cut.

   Staff like me (not eligible for DRP or severance) feel like they’re not the captains of their ships. A lot is happening to us, but we don’t have options given to us. We’re mostly term employees, and it’s unknown if we’ll be renewed. If you leave you can’t get back in because only current employees can apply to current openings, even though the agency is exempt from the hiring freeze.

   I hate a few irons in the fire, but I’m still not willing to make the jump until more is known. The irons in the fire all pay SIGNIFICANTLY less than whst I do now. And are things I don’t enjoy as much as my current job, which is my passion and my dream job. So, we remain in limbo.

   I know people say layoffs happen all the time in the private sector, but not like this. This is being drawn out, just enough info js leaked to make people panic but not enough is leaked that anyone has any idea of what is happening.

   For those who stay we have much higher workloads and way higher travel/fieldwork requirements. Like tripling my time in the field away from home and in austere environments.

   It’s so, so cruel. I haven’t slept through the night in months. Barely have an appetite but still have gained weight. Still working with my doctor to balance my mix of therapy and anxiety meds to get through this.

   Plus, without my agency my whole field is in peril. Even though state and local and NGO jobs pay way less, they were still good options. Private in my field is mostly contractors which have been cut. I’m gonna have to entirely switch fields and start back over.

   Without my agency and my field, people will suffer. People will die. All bc our government doesnt give a flying eff about people who need help. Everyone I work with has sacrificed a lot in service to their country and community and it’s all for effing nothing. Missed holidays and birthdays and vacations and family events. For nothing.

   1. Right there with you (fed contractor here). It’s unprecedented. The callous, willful destruction is hard to take. Private sector layoffs don’t usually happen with obvious glee and “we fed USAID to the woodchipper!” tweets, even if they do cause pain.

   2. I’m so sorry. I’m a former fed who was able to jump to state work and am, after a month, just starting to relax a little. The trauma is real, and is so unnecessary. Friends who were fired probationary employees tried to take DRP 2.0 and were denied, so now they’re in limbo again. I hate how people are essential when it suits these ghouls but gleefully disposable when it doesn’t. They’re mean little kids shaking a jar full of ants, except with people.

   3. i have nothing helpful to say other than i am SO SO SO sorry. It is SO unfair. you did nothing to deserve this.

      was it ever confirmed that the DRP is even legal? we need more human stories with human impact in the news. and while I personally care about people all over the world, so many don’t seem to, so stories about how these layoffs are impacting Americans.

      I am petrified for this country’s future and must admit that I’ve had my head in the sand a bit over the past few months bc my stress level was getting out of control. i realize it is a privilege for me to be able to do that

   4. Hi fed here and I just had to leave to get some air from crying at my desk.

   5. I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to hear of so many dedicated people being thrown to the wolves. So many important programs from so many areas being gutted without a plan. I fear for how long it is going to rebuild after this mess and, in some instances, if it will even be possible given the significant brain drain. Not the same, but I once went from a $150K salary to $75 in my competitive and dwindling field (print journalism) simply to be employed and get insurance. It took two years to finally find something closer to my original salary in an adjacent industry. You will find other work. Even if it is starting over. It may not be your first choice. But use it as a lily pad to jump to until something else comes when you feel you must. Looking back does no good.

7. I think am having a midlife crisis as a 38 year old DINK. Any resources or tips?

   1. Go to the gym, join a running club, and don’t leave your spouse just because you feel antsy.

   2. If you are committed to the DINK lifestyle, ignore…but if not, have a kid? Clearly you don’t have a baby to relieve ennui, but if it’s something that’s percolating in your subconscious you might want to explore it.

      Before kids I could foresee a life with DH that might grow stale, with the same old routine and roles continuing in perpetuity. Having children has rocked our world in all the best (and sometimes worst) ways, and as we’ve taken on the roles of parents and grown in new and different ways it’s certainly bonded us more deeply and given new dimension to our lives together and as individuals. There are definitely days I ponder the ghosts ships of a child-free life, but never would I trade this bigger family life for anything else.

      1. lol, I’d take this down a level as a committed DINK and say get a dog. All the love, a fraction of the price and issues. But agree there’s something to mixing it up a bit.

         1. I have neither kids nor pets, but I really don’t think they are interchangeable.

            1. Of course not, but they are a change in a relationship that can mix things up, one with far less lasting consequences. That’s the point of the thread.

            2. They are not remotely interchangeable, but it’s also normal for couples to bond over the joys and challenges of just helping life thrive, whether it’s a tree, a garden, foster kittens, or a household pet.

            3. One of my quiet pet peeves is when people refer to my dogs as my fur babies or kids, or refer to my husband and I as “mom and dad”. Nope. they’re our very loved dogs, but we didn’t want to be parents and we don’t have dogs as a substitute for kids.

               I keep this quiet because it seems a lot of pet owners do enjoy these labels, so I never say anything.

            4. Yeah my household pets had their own parents, and it’s not that long before they’re not only grown adults, but “older than me” on their own species timeline.

               But I also didn’t bottle raise orphans or anything, so I can understand if someone feels a different bond if they literally stepped in for an absent animal parent.

               Elsewise I don’t fully understand and hope that the “fur babies” aren’t being anthropomophized too much, but to each their own!

         2. A dog is absolutely not all the love of a child, lol.

            1. I have both a dog and a child. My dog loves me unconditionally and demands nothing of me except cookies and walks, and still loves me even if I skip one of those things. That is definitely not the case with humans, who mostly love you for what you are going to do for them.

            2. You’re right. It’s actually more.

            3. I see the way my partner’s teenage kids treat him (terribly) vs. the way his dog treats him (adoringly).

            4. I have a dog and two children. It’s so interesting you interpreted the comment as “what do my dependents give me” rather than “what do I feel for my dependents.” Kind of self-centered.

               I feel significantly more love for my children, even if my dog is less demanding, and I hope that’s the case for you, too.

            5. The comment was about the love “of” a child, not the love “for” a child.

            6. Yes, 12:36, every opportunity is a good opportunity to expound on the overwhelming love a parent must have for their children, even when that’s not the subject being discussed.

            7. I was not the one who initiated the comparison, @1:03, so it in fact was the subject being discussed. Take it up with whoever started this conversation.

      2. life growing stale has many solutions, of which having a child is… one.

         1. Yep, and this is a crowdsourcing / brainstorm thread, so I’m suggesting it! Not for everyone, but it is for a lot of people. I am also 38 and have a close friend who just had her first (after being married for 10 years) and we had several conversations along these lines

            1. I’m not the OP, but I am a 37 year old DINK. I mean this kindly, because your comments are kind – but I’d just like to put something out there.

               You’re right in that it’s a crowdsourcing brainstorm thread. But suggesting “have a kid” to a person who has identified as a DINK is a little bit like suggesting to someone who is having car problems that they should just put gas in it. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe it’s that they need an oil change or brakes changed or their transmission is going out. OR maybe they have an electric vehicle which is completely different from your car, and the suggestion to put gas in it is completely irrelevant. We all are driving different cars, and suggesting basic things is a little silly.

               In other words, literally every DINK is aware that having children would change their life and has made a conscious decision not to have them. They’re married and they’re obviously doing something to prevent having kids. So when parents suggest having kids as a solution to a DINK, it will always come off as a little bit self-righteous and feeds into the belief that kids are necessary for a big full life. I promise you that very much is not the case for many of us.

            2. Eh, life long DINK and I like these ideas tossed into the mix. It’s good to challenge your assumptions especially while you can still change your mind.

            3. I take your point, but I also think “volunteer” and “find a hobby” are obvious answers that OP is aware of, too…someone sharing their POV about WHY these things have made a difference might be helpful. Most of these suggestions won’t be something OP has never thought of before.

               I don’t mean to suggest kids are a solution to boredom, certainly. And I wouldn’t suggest to someone IRL unless they gave me indication that it might be on the table, for the reasons you mention. But a message board, where answers could help more than just OP and are meant to spark discussion, is a little different

      3. haha, I thought the same. (But we definitely wanted kids).

   3. Volunteer work. I volunteer once a week at an animal shelter and am fostering a mama cat and her kittens. I’m looking for other opportunities to help people and/or the community.

   4. Are you involved in any causes that help connect you with your community? I’ve found that community ties can take more work without kids. If you think you want to build ties with the next generation by being part of some kids’ village, there may be opportunities for tutoring or big sister type mentoring. Conversely if kids aren’t part of your lifestyle, there may be opportunities to connect more with the older generation (especially since a lot of public activities that aren’t aimed at young families with kids seem to be aimed at older empty nesters). This demographic does a lot of public park beautification and gardening in my city for example. Where I live, our demographic is over represented on local arts councils, if you have any interest in the arts.

      1. Not the OP, but where I live the organizations that work with children won’t take non-parents as volunteers and the organizations staffed by retirees do not offer hours accessible for working adults. The other 30-something couples I know of spend half their weekends making road trips to their in-laws’ places so their kids can see their grandparents. OP, I could have written your post and I wish I knew what to do.

      2. Our local town’s active volunteer association is a Lions Club branch – which is of course mostly all older retirees. Ten years ago I joined it when I was 27. :D As a DINK I LOVE working with and my friendships with retirees and empty nesters. In some ways they’re easier to be friends with right now than my peers who are in the middle of raising kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends my age and make lots of effort to spend time with them as they do all the school things (go to kids games, concerts, birthday parties, etc) but it’s really really nice to have the balance with friends who are past the child raising stage.

   5. Throw yourself into volunteering, take up a new hobby, and travel a little. The best way to appreciate where you are is to gain new perspective and infusing some gratitude, novelty and more fun/connection in your day to day.

   6. I’m a 37 year old DINK. I’m assuming you’re happily no kids since you didn’t express anything related to that, hopefully you don’t get a bunch of advice to have a kid because you’re having a normal life cycle moment. Parents have midlife crisises too, kids aren’t a solution for that.

      (this got long; feel free to collapse/scroll by)

      A few suggestions:
      First – as you’re reading through all of the comments – notice what catches your interest or gives you a momentary spark of curiosity. Then chase the curiosity. Let yourself be bad and new at something. I think when we get to this stage of adulthood it’s easy to stop pursuing curiosity because we feel like we should be “established” or something like that. Shake it up by doing something different – but what that specific thing is should be guided by that initial curiosity spark. And you don’t have to do it forever – take that pressure off of it.

      +1000 to the community suggestions. Find IN PERSON community – online does not count. So joining a volunteer group, joining a gym or yoga studio with regular classes, joining a hobby club, church if that’s your thing. If you’re already a part, lean into the community.

      Do a mind-body-soul evaluation of your life and see what feels lacking.
      Mind – I think once we’re established in a career, it can start to feel stale. That doesn’t mean you have to change careers, it just means you need to find some other outlet to nurture your mind. You can find some kind of course that you can take, career related or not. Even online courses in just whatever you’re interested it.

      Body – gym, workout program, yoga, pilates, hiking – something regular. And then maybe something bigger, like climbing a mountain. Something I discovered about 5 years ago was that there are day hikes that you climb a mountain – they’re not all multiple day hikes. It’s both hard and so fulfilling to get to the top of a mountain and be like I was way down there 3 hours ago. and then get to the bottom and look up and realize I climbed the whole big thing.

      Your mountain may not be a mountain – maybe it’s a marathon or trialoton or 108 sun salutations or a 5k or white water rafting. It doesn’t have to be huge, but something that is a reach where you will be surprised that you did it is good.

      Also body – skydiving. I go once a year. It’s either for you or not, so dont’ force it. But if you are curious – do it! :)

      Soul – meditation is commonly recommended because it works. Really a wild card, but a 3 day or 10 day silent meditation retreat. I did a 10 day several years ago. It will change your life if you are into that type of thing. The Vipassana Center/Dhamma organization is excellent.

      Finally, I really think it’s a normal natural part of life to have these moments. So don’t think that there’s something wrong with you or your life because you’re having one.

      1. 10 days?! WOW

         1. LOL yes, it was very long. And I like to talk, my family got a huge kick out of me doing it.

            It’s not really “fun” and is intense – some people left in the first five days. I cried a lot, processed a lot, and came out with what felt like a big bank account of steadiness/equanimity that lasted for quite a while. I had quite a bit of life changes/transitions happening at the time and I felt way more steady and happy about everything afterward.

   7. I do like the idea of getting a pet if you were thinking of doing it anyway. Dogs are best for truly shaking up your life. Be a foster dog parent first and see how it goes!

   8. Young empty nester here (my kid is in college and I am just a few years older than you). I highly recommend a ridiculous level of devotion to a hobby. Only problem is that now I just want to do the hobby instead of my actual job.

      1. lol been there!

   9. If you are not interested in having a child, but think having a younger person in your life to mentor could be a fun shake-up, consider being a Big Sister. I did it at 34 and it has been amazing. It is a two-year commitment, but I took it on with the intention of a lifelong relationship and now, 17 years later, I not only still have a relationship with my Little, but I have a whole second family. It was a great decision. I had no interest in motherhood, but mentorship really challenged me in a way nothing else in life did.

      1. My husband was a Big Brother and had a similarly amazing experience.

   10. It’s interesting to me that all the comments are about boredom or staleness, when I’m also a 38yo in a midlife crisis who’s not remotely bored, but rather feeling completely trapped by my career/ dreading menopause/ aging parents/the economy /losing friends to having kids etc. I have tons of hobbies and they’re great but that doesn’t fix the realization you chose the wrong field, fear of aging, inability to buy a house, etc.

       1. My midlife crisis is definitely about choosing the wrong career, failure, uncertainty about the future, etc. The way I am dealing with it is by picking up as a serious hobby the thing that should have been my career. It gives me a sense of real meaning even while everything else is in the dumpster. Like even if we are all going to perish in the next pandemic and/or be impoverished in retirement because the market is destroyed, at least I will have had these experiences of creating beauty.

       2. A dog is the right answer for this, too. ;)

       3. Agree on the inability to buy a house as something that is triggering questions of “what is the purpose of all of this?” I have worked hard to get to where I am in my career and am proud of that–but I still can’t afford a home and may not ever be able to. An apartment with shared walls isn’t what I dreamed of, and it certainly isn’t where I thought I would be once I got to this level in my career (and this age!).

8. someone posted on friday about the new sephora sun safety kit being available, but I’m not seeing it on the website? am I missing something obvious? or is it available in stores some places but not online yet? thanks!

   1. Friday’s post said it was available in-store only.

      1. oh thanks! hopefully it’s available online soon (maybe they release new things on Tuesdays, I have a vague memory?)

9. Easter has come and gone and now I need your best egg salad recipes!

   1. I haven’t tried it yet, but I am planning on making the one from Budget Bytes. It looks pretty simple and straightfoward.

      1. I have made probably 60-80 recipes from Budget Bytes over the years and they’ve always been really good! BB is my go-to.

   2. Make sure you are getting the good mayo, whatever that means to you (I like Duke’s or Ojai Cook). I thin with some more vinegar and add mustard to taste. I am not opposed to a dash of Worcestershire. For vegetables, I like chopped Vidalia onions, celery, and red radishes.

      If you like deviled eggs, there are some deviled eggs style egg salads that are good.

      1. Oh and chopped pickles (cornichons or Grillo, not Mt Olive).

   3. Nothing beats my grandma’s stupid-simple method. Rough-chop the eggs, add a big plop of mayo (never Miracle Whip, just plain mayo), a good splurt of yellow or spicy brown mustard, a few hefty shakes of paprika, salt, and pepper, and then pour in a little liquid from the jar of gherkins and mix it all up. Add cubed cheddar or colby jack cheese. Sandwich between two pieces of good sourdough and enjoy.

   4. The avocado egg salad from Pinch of Yum.

   5. I am a purist as to the salad itself:
      separate yolks and whites
      small dice the whites
      reduce the yolks by 1/4 to 1/3 (give extras to the dog) and add Dijon, mayo, salt, pepper, maybe hot paprika and mash; I like this to stay pretty thick
      mix together
      The secret for me is to put it on good bread with thinly sliced tomato and as much watercress as I can stuff in there.

   6. I”m assuming you already have hardboiled eggs on hand, but if not the “egg loaf” recipes will change your life. It looks gross and makes the house smell a bit odd while cooking, but it’s 10,000% easier than trying to shell individual eggs, especially if you’re making them for 3 or more people.

      Egg loaf:
      Preheat oven to 350.
      Spray avocado oil in banana bread pan
      Crack 7-10 eggs into pan
      Put pan into 9×12 glass cake pan
      Fill glass pan with water (to the height of the eggs) (so eggs are not in water, the pan is in water)
      Bake in oven for 30 minutes.

      here’s a article on the trend, there are a lot of Instant Pot and other recipes. https://www.today.com/food/trends/viral-no-peel-hard-boiled-egg-hack-rcna29112

      1. This is brilliant!

   7. I like to make curried egg salad. The NYT has a good version.

   8. I like Cajun Egg Salad.

   9. My key egg salad tip is to soft boil the eggs (6 minutes), not hard boil them. In addition to Duke’s mayo and a spicy mustard, I like to add a little celery salt. Maybe some smoked paprika.

10. Reporting from the field: my kids go to a large urban public school zoned for a bougie area (but not the bougiest). Maybe 250 kids and 25 parents from the senior class took a senior trip over spring break to one of those resorts that you can drink at when you are 18. I knew this was a thing but that is 1/3 of the senior class, so I guess I can expect the FOMO complaints in the coming year (my kids are younger). One kid likely won’t be in the know for planning and wouldn’t want to go (is in special ed, has zero friends, doesn’t even know of parties in our city). Still may feel very left out and different. The other one . . . Is just starting to really want a social life but is very sweet and naive. I didn’t know it was this pervasive.

    1. Wow. It is so inappropriate to give kids that kind of experience at that age. Those parents are deluding themselves that they’re making good decisions. Good luck.

       1. We’ve been in the Bahamas during ‘spring break’ and the stories from the staff and other guests have firmly convinced me that my children are never, ever going on one of these trips solo. It’s one thing to chose to study abroad in college or pay for your own spring break trip if you’re in college and working but paying for my newly 18-yr old to get black out drunk (on my dime!) in another country is insane to me.

          1. I feel like then, we should be doing real college visits and trying to make sure they are content in their decisions. That may be a better use of time and funds (and a convenient excuse, for kids who may feel like they need to state a reason not to go).

          2. Agree. I’m generally very in favor of allowing teenagers to become more independent, but this is just completely insane (though going on a planned trip to other 250 people and paid for by mommy and daddy isn’t exactly encouraging independence anyway, more like being a conformist, which might be another reason I find it so off putting).

    2. wow. Natalie Hollowell is still on my mind every time I hear about these. How is this still a thing? no thanks.

       1. I can’t recall if that was a family trip or a bigger party trip. It was all so sad either way. It was also my first introduction to Mountain Brook, Alabama.

          1. I’m from a neighboring suburb to Mountain Brook.

             It was a party trip– though not quite as big as what was described above. My understanding from people that knew Natalie and the girls she was with was that Natalie was typically the designated driver for this group of girls, so she has not really gotten drunk before or partied (as she was normally sober at parties). The friends she was with convinced her to have a good time… and then just left her at the bar with the random guy she met.

    3. I feel like you just stick to your guns on this one and don’t waiver. Kiddo can have fomo or feel left out. Dealing with those feelings is a life skill. I say this as a parent who will go to great lengths to facilitate my kids having a social circle. I will pony up for the beach club, get a third of row car so I can invite more kids for an ice cream run and shlepp to another sports practice and offer to host all the play dates. Having college style spring break in high school is a hard no.

    4. A third of the kids going = two-thirds of the kids did not. There were definitely kids who went “partying” on spring break & senior week when I was in HS — but honestly that wasn’t my crowd so I had no FOMO.

       1. Yup. And my mother from
          Early on everytime
          Someone mentioned it was like. Not you. Never.

       2. Same. It was not my crowd and hindsight only confirms my lack of regret. Not to go all dark, but a number of those kids are dead now that I’m in my 30s

    5. As a scout parent, the safety risks of camping and backpacking with my kids and other kids and adults you have no idea about really is enough to warp my lawyer brain. I can’t imagine the waiver I’d want to see for something like this.

       1. +1 Who is taking on that amount of liability?? Taking kids out of the country to drink alcohol, just wow. Not to mention the expense! Just have a sleepover with wine coolers like the old days.

    6. So 275 people? At some point, does it make sense to charter a giant plane? How do you even coordinate and not have some poor person on a business or bereavement flight wind up next to this chaos?

       1. Probably either don’t coordinate beyond “we’re going to xxx in Punta Cana” and then it’s every man for himself to handle their own reservations, or a travel agency packages it up and you just pay a lump sum, which could indeed involve a charter flight.

          As for the other passengers if it’s a regular flight, they could wind up next to someone awful on any flight, at any time, anywhere in the world. That’s just flying unless you are in a one of those first class “suites” or flying private. If a group of passengers are badly behaved enough, the pilot will land the plane and kick them off.

          1. +1 Honestly weird to worry about bereaved passengers?? They’re always going to be sitting next to people doing other things. Also probably not super likely business travelers are going to spring break destinations.

             1. I think you meant to say “considerate”

             2. No, that comment was weird AF.

    7. Thank you for sharing. Now we all get to feel superior to the parents of about 250 kids! What idiots!

       1. Hey I wasn’t saying that. I just think it’s ok to have a firm boundary on this one and not feel the pervasive understandable mom guilt, which seems to be the only struggle op had. I’m sure the parents on those trips would think I’m an idiot for a hundred other things I’ve let my kids do.

          1. This was a reply to OP, not to you. I’m saying OP should not only not feel mom guilt for not saying yes, she should feel the quiet thrill of superiority for not saying yes.

             1. Yeah I honestly can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic. But I’d like to clarify that I’m not trying to feel superior to other parents. I have been subject to a lot of unfair judgment of my parenting and i try to approach my assessment of other people’s parenting with deep humility. When my parenting is perfect and my children are grown and completely unscathed by all my choices perhaps I’ll feel differently.

          2. It’s a balance. After COVID (our schools were closed or irregular for a very very long time, I want my kid to make friends and do things. Like go to the movies. Like a spendy restaurant. But even I don’t get trips like this. It’s fine in theory not to but I think it’s different when it’s really all the chatter is about at school and everyone sees the pictures on Insta (which kids have to be on because their clubs and activities communicate that way if not on 500 other apps).

    8. This is the epitome of teaching your children that wealth means the rules don’t apply to them. That is just bad parenting. Do not succumb to that peer pressure, OP.
       A friend just got back from chaperoning a bunch of 10th/11th graders on spring break in 30A and I was getting nightly texts about the police barging in on rowdy parties and making numerous arrests and I am baffled as to what was happening and why it was an every-night-for-a-week situation rather than a thing that happened on Monday so behavior was modified for the rest of the trip. I don’t have kids so I get to backseat drive here but this all seems wildly inappropriate and again, based on the concept that there are not true consequences for the rich kids (i.e., I am sure the parents of kids who got arrested hired lawyers, took the kid’s side, will argue the police had no right to be there, and ultimately there will be no punishment but rather a steeling of the family and community as to the wrong committed against the child).

    9. First, if you are not comfortable then you say no. It is not like 90% of the students are going and you are the weird outlier.

       But also, basically every resort outside the USA allows people to drink at 18. All of Europe allows people to drink at 18. (And that is not really enforced in a lot of places, particularly if the minor is travelling with parents.) I am saying that because people seem to think that this is limited to some resorts that cater to the USA party crowd. My daughter went to Mexico during spring breaks in high school and while it was not nearly that many people (she went with a friend’s family so maybe 10 under 21 and four adults), she was at a place where people over 18 could drink (she was not and she was Miss Compliant in any event but if they had the money the ones over 18 could definitely have ordered drinks).

       I would have concerns about the student/chaperone ratio so would not have allowed this, but it would not have been because the resort allowed drinking at 18.

       1. Same. I’m a hard no on this kind of spring break trip in high school but I’m currently encouraging my daughter to go to college in a place where drinking is allowed at 18.

          Frankly, I don’t think the 21+ age limit in the US encourages a positive drinking culture. I went to college in the 1990s and the fussiness about alcohol at parties just drove drinking underground and made it more dangerous.

       2. Yeah, maybe this is because I am raised in Europe but I’m not getting this concept at all. Like, do you go there explicitly to drink? I was drinking at 18 and I also knew my limits and knew how to drink responsibly since a pretty young age and never took a trip for the purpose of getting drunk. And my anecdotal experience from attending university in Canada with a lot of Americans is that the people who started drinking earlier were a lot less likely to get blackout drunk or go into a coma than the American kids.

          1. Honestly yes it’s a trip explicitly to drink… which makes it weird. And also means that it isn’t the same as drinking responsibly from a young age in social settings that aren’t exclusively made up of peers on a drinking oriented vacation.

             1. I guess it’s kind of nuts to me that 18 year olds need to take a trip to get drunk, and I think gradual, normal exposure to alcohol is a lot healthier. I have never heard of this sort of parent-sponsored drinking trip anywhere else.

    10. WSJ covered this phenomenon last week and I was shocked. My spring breaks in high school were… softball practice and maybe a couple movie nights at friends’ houses?

        https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/travel/spring-break-high-school-parents-vacation-mexico-834da400?st=wyVJKD&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink

    11. I’m glad my parents were in the 250 and enabled this kind of thing once upon a time. College was a lot easier going in as a queen bee with some experience. The sheltered kids had way more issues.

        1. Everyone has these anecdotes, but research never backs it up statistically.

        2. Nah, I don’t think they did.

        3. My guess is that some kids prep for years to not be the ones done in by spring break. One trip does not a Queen make — the first time you go big like this, is the one where you realize that you need a hair tie or a friend to hold your hair while you throw up. Maybe you just started one event earlier but it’s something everyone masters or doesn’t, like most parts of adulting.

        4. I’m enjoying trying to picture the type of person who would refer to themselves as a “queen bee”

           1. 100% this!

           2. My email mutual instinct is someone from Mountain Brook, Alabama

        5. There’s a big gap between sheltered and this. I agree those who go to college truly sheltered (like, not allowed to date or go to parties at all in high school) often rebel hard, but in my experience the kids who fare best had normal age appropriate rules at home and would not have been allowed on a trip like this.

    12. My kids are way younger than this, but I’m struggling to understand why the responses are so “OMG NO!”? Theoretically these kids are going off to college in ~6 months, where many will be drinking and partying. Hey, some of them might even be going to school in places where drinking at 18 is legal (e.g., we have a friend who went to St. Andrew’s).

        I mean if you think it’s a bad fit for your kid or it’s too much $$, don’t send them, but I don’t think they’re bad parents absent any other information.

        1. It is wildly different to send your graduated-from-high-school child off to a residential higher educational institution where folks may occasionally drink but also they are there to get a degree than it is to send your still-in-high-school child to a foreign country where the only activities are drinking and laying on a beach (while drinking).

           1. + 1 million.

           2. A lot of people go to the Caribbean for reasons other than drinking (on the beach or otherwise).

              I would not allow my kids to do this without me because I have questions about the amount of supervision (although I would be more concerned about s*x than alcohol because booze costs money and my experience is that the resorts are pretty careful about both age and getting paid). But I have taken my children plenty of times and we had a great time doing a lot of things that did not include alcohol.

              1. “A lot of people go to the Caribbean for reasons other than drinking (on the beach or otherwise). ”
                 Obviously, but high school students going on these trips are mainly doing it because of easy access to drinking, drugs and casual sex, and even those who aren’t actually interested in any of those activities are peer pressured into doing it.

              2. uh, these are very different use cases….

11. For those of you who went to college and got economics degrees, what have you done with them? I’m reminiscing about what I thought going in to college and how Econ (humanities) and all of the business school majors were pitted against each other as being mutually explosive and so different (maybe accounting is truly different as there is a license and a path that goes with that). I’m in a banking area and you see everything, including math and computer science but basically people get hired if they seem like smart problem solvers vs any specific credentials from any given school.

    1. Got a masters in public policy and work in that field doing a decent amount of quantitative policy analysis. I wasn’t math-y enough for an econ PhD and all the advice I got from professors was that masters of econ are pretty worthless. I loved my MPP program.

       At my undergrad school, econ department was in the business school, but it was so different than the other business degrees. The people it attracted were less bro-y.

       1. Another MPP doing quantitative work here–for me that’s criminal justice research and program evaluation. Two caveats: I deeply regret doing a JD/MPP instead of a PhD in econ, and if you go the MPP route be sure to choose a program with lots of quantitative electives available. Our “policy analysis” capstone course was a joke, but the econ and econometrics courses that were cross-listed with the econ department were legit.

          1. Yeah, we had a thesis instead of capstone. Definitely not PhD-level type of stuff but it was serious analysis. My biggest regret is not doing the dual JD-MPP! A JD would be so helpful for the kind of work I do now/kind of work I want to do more of.

    2. Econ is usually considered a social science. Not humanities. I worked in economic/litigation consulting and then went to law school. Now I do something totally different.

       1. Shoot — that’s what I meant. In the “college of liberal arts” side of things so you got a BA and not a BBA from the business school.

          1. plenty of my classmates went on to careers in finance, consulting, even marketing.

    3. I became an actuary. I also minored in math.

    4. I went to law school…

       1. Same. And now I practice in a regulatory-intensive area of the law. I loved econ as a subject, though, and am convinced that it stood me in good stead in law school. And I got to pull it all out again when homeschooling my kids for a while-I taught AP Econ to one of my kids, and she made 5s on both exams. Getting to explain supply and demand all those years later was a highlight of my life as a mom.

          1. I am the prior Anon, and I actually agree with your assessment of Econ. I am a tax lawyer now FWIW.

    5. I got a degree in political economics & went into business at car company. Got an MBA in finance & am now in energy.

    6. Banking, regulatory/policy focus. I agree that people tend to hire based on whether they seem like good problem solvers, but econ give you the right framework to distill inputs and ask the right questions.

    7. I’m a Fed at an economic regulator

    8. Data analytics. No masters degree or other degrees.
       Learned on the job and manage a team of analysts about 10 years out of school now. Went to a large state school, and the econ department was in the liberal arts college even though it was much more math based than the other liberal arts degrees.

    9. Worked for the Federal Government in one of the medium size statistical agencies. Had various roles there over 38 years of government service. My degree was Econ as a social science, not business school based and my co-workers were math majors, social science majors and business majors.

    10. Law school.

        First– litigation with a lot of expert testimony/economic analysis. (Pharmaceuticals/med mal).
        Second– In-house in a more business-y role.

    11. I went into accounting after studying econ and math in college.

    12. I’ve been in commercial real estate my entire career. On the sales side, there’s enough new every day to learn and grow my skills that it’s still fun.

    13. Went into investment banking when I graduated. Hated it but nearly my whole class was laid off due to the tech downturn. Went to business school. Became a hedge fund trader. Hated it. Went to law school, became a corporate lawyer, loved it. Still a corporate lawyer. Glad I am very good at spreadsheets. I also majored in a foreign language (literature degree) and honestly should have listened more to other people who told me to follow what I was interested in during college. I majored in econ because my parents made me.

12. In a couple weeks I’m starting as a summer associate (litigation) at a Vault 10 but in a smaller west coast office.

    I just found out the dress code is casual (jeans ok). I’m assuming smart casual, but either way I’m secretly disappointed because I have a huge business casual wardrobe (that I love!) from 10 years in finance!!

    I don’t have that much in between all my tailored crepe pants/silk blouses/low block heels and the jeans/tees/sneakers that I wear to class. So I think I’m going to need to invest in some new in-between pieces and rethink my work wardrobe to be a little less formal. Help! I don’t know how to dress office casual!

    I have pretty classic, relatively conservative taste—I like to look put together and feminine but not trendy. Think Ann Taylor. I might get some midi skirts that are a tad more flowy than I’d wear for business casual and can pair them with all the blouses I have. But what are other stable office casual outfits? What exactly does casual mean in context of a west coast white shoe firm? Are low block heals way overkill?

    1. Take a look at this woman’s outfits. May give you some ideas for working jeans into outfits that are still somewhat polished. She’s not dressing for an office, so it won’t all work for you, but may spark ideas.

       https://lavieongrand.com/parisian-inspired-outfits-i-am-wearing-in-spring/

       1. I’ve spent 10 years trying to dress minimally and fabulously “in the French manner.” All I’ve really been able to do is realize that my original Moira Rose color palette worked well for travel packing. I am still wearing probably too much black but it’s just so much less to think about than anything else (but I have actual winter black prints and summer black/white prints — there is a difference).

    2. And by “heals” I mean “heels.”Taking a break from studying for finals and my brain appears to also be on a break…!

    3. Wear the nicer stuff, it will be fine. Don’t spend money on things like this.

       1. +1

       2. +2. My big law firm also has a casual dress code at this point, but plenty of people still wear business casual clothes.

          1. I will add, plenty of people wear jeans and sneakers too. My point is more that you are probably overthinking about this, as you will see a wide range of attire on any given day.

       3. +1

       4. The thing about casual dress codes at a law firm is that it is really more of a “dress for your day” situation. That means that on any given day at my firm, there are people in full court attire, and others in jeans and sneakers. So honestly, you can run the gamut, and dress however you feel that particular day, which is essentially what I do. Might be somewhat different for a summer…If I were you, I’d want to be on the nicer end of whatever range all the associates are sitting in. Maybe you could get some nice trouser jeans, and wear many of your blouses and blazers with them so you’re fitting in, but not buying a ton of things. Truly though, I would never notice what a summer associate is wearing unless it was outside the norm in a bad way, like the guy who wore pearl snaps and showed his chest hair all summer.

          1. +1, just dress for your day. If you don’t have nice enough jeans, you might want to pick a couple of pairs. They will mix well with your existing pieces.

    4. Unless you’re just looking for an excuse for a shopping spree, I would wait until you’re there a bit before buying a ton of new clothes. See what other people are wearing. Buy things slowly as you need them, and think of new ways to incorporate what you already own.

    5. I wouldn’t buy anything until you start. Shop on weekend #1 if you feel like you need things. I’d guess that “office jeans” like trouser-style will be what you’ll want to pick up, but not without observing. Emulate what mid-level associates wear; they’re senior enough to know appropriate dress, but not so senior they can get away with wearing whatever.

    6. I was at a Bay Area (not SF) office of a V10 for years, and while jeans were “technically okay,” everyone wore crisp business casual. Your wardrobe won’t be out of place at all.

    7. Business casual clothes will be fine. Do not make any additional purchases until you are actually at your specific office.

    8. Get 2 pairs of professional-looking jeans, meaning darker wash, straight or wide leg, no rips or holes or raw edges or weird intentional whiskering around the hips. Plan to your blouses and blazers with that if it turns out that everyone really is in jeans every day.

       But I think generally summer associates dress a touch more formally than everyone else. Some wear suits every day because that’s what they have. You’ll want jeans for a baseball game or something similarly casual. But otherwise, business casual is probably fine.

    9. As a West Coast (Silicon Valley/SF) WSGR, Latham and Gunderson alum, it’s totally fine if you wear business casual. Avoid heels and don’t wear a fancy outfit the day you go to a baseball game or whatever…dress down when you should. Enjoy your summer!

13. I love this pick. it is about twice what I am willing to pay, unfortunately, but it is really beautiful and I happen to look great in orange, especially in the summer when I usually get a bit of a tan.

    1. I especially appreciate that this shirt does not have puff sleeves. it is so much more chic without puff sleeves. Kind of makes me want to spend the money.

14. Solve an argument with a friend for me. I bought a townhouse built in the 90s. Builder grade, no upgrades, every house in the large suburban neighborhood looks exactly the same. First story is the garage and a small living area, second story is the main floor. To get to the main floor, you can either come in through the garage and go up a flight of stairs with a sturdy railing and/or bannister on each side of the stairs and 2 landings, or you can go up a flight of stairs outside the house to reach the “front door” which is on the side of the house (end unit). The outside stairs have one somewhat flimsy railing, probably aluminum, and no handhold on the house side of the stairs. I’ve tightened the railing as much as it can possibly be tightened but if you lean your whole weight on it, it’s going to move some. Every house in the neighborhood is the same. Home inspector said railing is to code.

    A friend has back issues and struggles with stairs. I’ve seen her walk up stairs; she uses the railing like crutches (or, if there’s one railing, a rope like she’s rock climbing) and leans her entire weight with both hands on the railing to pull herself up the stairs. I told her the railing on the outside stairs isn’t that sturdy and I wouldn’t trust it to hold an adult’s full weight. I suggested she use the inside stairs, which have a sturdy railing on each side, aren’t as steep, and have two landings for breaks. Friend is very offended that I want her to come in through the garage and not the front door, and I think she also thinks I’m calling her fat, though she hasn’t said that. She says that she should be able to lean her full weight on any railing on steps and if she can’t then the railing needs to be replaced with some sturdier material like wrought iron. I told her I’m not doing that; the HOA has an architectural review board to make sure all houses look the same, they’ll never approve a change like that even if I were willing to pay for it, which frankly I’m not. She’s threatened to call the county on me. She continues to pull on the flimsy railing whenever she visits and it makes me very nervous.

    I love to entertain. She’s part of a big group of friends. Excluding her would be rude and would alienate others. I don’t want to ban her from my house and I don’t want to stop hosting, but I hold my breath every time she uses those stairs. Am I really TA for not “fixing” stairs that aren’t broken? Advice on what to do?

    1. Someone who is threatening to call building inspectors on you is not your friend. She’s a liability waiting to happen.

       1. Friends don’t threaten.

       2. Exactly. That said, I think you should look into fixing the railing. I don’t think the HOA can stop you from upgrading your railing to be accessible, as long as it still looks okay. You do want a railing that can hold an adult’s weight, whether it’s your friend’s, your elderly parent’s, or your own after a surgery or an injury.

          1. I’m kind of stuck between two extremes of whether there’s anything to fix. My friend thinks it’s an unreasonable hazard. But everyone I’ve spoken to in the neighborhood is perplexed that I’m concerned; their railings are all exactly the same. I’m more risk-averse than your average person I suppose. That’s why I specifically asked the home inspector, who was also surprised I was concerned. Ime, residential homes tend to have flimsier railings than say an office building, and I think my friend (and I, to a lesser extent) are comparing the house to a commercial structure.

             1. If you need grab-bar level of solidness AND maybe this person can put higher stress on it, then maybe everyone has a point? My MIL (of just average size) was pulling herself up the stairs with her inside railings, which significantly loosened them and that made them unsafe. So a railing built to steady someone and not have significant weight putting a strain on it may be overloading it. Imagine someone the size of Nicola Jokic flailing around on the railing — it is up to that? Maybe yours does need an elegant reinforcing. But the HOA should be able to bend on something like this (like if you needed a ramp or chairlift). Finally, this person is TA and also not a friend here.

             2. If you broke your leg and needed to use the railing to get up and down the stairs, would you be comfortable doing so? If yes, then it’s probably okay, if not, then you should look into replacing it.

             3. @11:51 presumably she would just use her other set of stairs, which seems to be a fine solution

       3. This. I’d cut her off.

    2. “She’s threatened to call the county on me.” WHAT? I wouldn’t invite this person back into my home. I know you said you don’t want to ban her….but wow.

       I supposed to try and solve the problem without replacing the railing or excluding her – can you have everyone come through the inside stairs so she doesn’t feel singled out or excluded?

       1. Also, if she continue to come into your home, look into umbrella insurance if you don’t already have it and make sure you’re totally covered by your homeowners insurance. If your inspector says the rail is fine you should be good, but it’s just wild that she threatened to report you.

          1. This. Also see if your HOA has good insurance since they will get sued and will control the defense of that suit but since you pay the HOA, it will also be your problem.

          2. Yup I maxed out all possible insurance.

             Good suggestion to check in with the HOA about this since they control upgrades anyway. Everyone else’s railing is exactly the same, but it’d be good to at least have a paper trail about this.

    3. excuse me?? this is not a friend.

    4. She’s literally threatening to report you to the government. Can you hear yourself? Never ever ever invite her to your home again. You must protect yourself.

       1. Ha yeah point taken. I guess I figured, she’s welcome to report me. If my railing is bad then so are the railings on over 100 units. About 15% of the neighborhood is (private) rentals, which requires regular inspections by the county. I’d be very surprised if there was a problem that hadn’t been caught. But if there is a problem then of course I’d cooperate fully with code enforcement and I’d be sure my HOA is involved.

          1. This is silly. Don’t invite people who are hostile to your home and then fight their complaints. May your backbone be stronger than your railing

    5. You have my permission to be rude and exclude her.

    6. Agree she’s not a friend, but also, fix your railing! 30 years is far too long to go without maintenance.

       1. I guess I’m not sure what maintenance should be done? It’s not bent or rusted or anything. I’ve tightened all the screws as much as they can be tightened. Replaced the screws that were stripped. It’s definitely less wobbly than it was when I bought the house, but if you’re really determined to hang off of it then it moves.

       2. It doesn’t sound like there is actually anything to fix.

    7. +1 to don’t invite her back. She both threatened to call the authorities on you and declined your safer alternative in favor of putting herself and your home at greater risk.

       While you’re kind to want to include her, either of these offenses would be enough to make it impossible to invite her back. Both of them together mean that you really must not invite her again because of the choices she makes.

    8. I also live on a hill which people are angry about. Fwiw older people and anyone carrying anything enters my house through the garage for this reason. Not everyone’s private home is appropriate for everyone. I can’t go to most relative’s homes because of my extreme pet allergies. They get to live with their animals just like I get to choose a hilly property that otherwise suits my family. I think she’s being unreasonable. I try to include everyone but I’m not moving to a less desirable area because they have bad backs.

    9. I don’t see anyone saying this, but having her use your other set of stairs is a perfectly reasonable and acceptable option.

       I think she’s the kind of person who enjoys complaining. Don’t let her damage your front stairs or let her hurt herself unnecessarily—the right answer is to stop inviting her.

       You can always use the excuse that your home isn’t accessible enough for her — it’s just an unfortunate fact. It’s not your fault as every property is not right for everyone. I actually think using this excuse would be doing her a kindness as the actual truth is that she doesn’t want to use the stairs that can accommodate her. She just doesn’t want to.

       1. why does she even want to come over to the house of someone she has threatened to call authorities on

       2. +1

          This is the exact reason my MIL of 20 years has never been in my house. She is obese (not hyperbole – she tips the scale at 400+ lbs) and acts like a rabid wrecking ball. She goes out of her way to be hard on furnishings and fixtures, has torn doors off their hinges in her own home, ripped grab bars out of the studs because they dared to wobble under her force, etc. She becomes irate if you ask her to treat things gently or to please not try to sit on the grandkids’ play furniture.

          My basic 1960s builder-grade ranch is not likely to withstand her destructive behavior so she isn’t welcomed. She did try to invite herself in once and I refused admittance, with my husband’s full support. He actually did the refusing; she tried to stop by unannounced after we refused to invite her to dinner the night before, demanding to use our bathroom. She ended up leaving in a pique because we refused to let her in.

          Also OP, I would be petty enough to tell her your railing is already up to code; you aren’t obligated to allow her to pole dance on it. She’s free to take up her complaints with the county. What does she actually think will happen by doing so?

    10. this person sounds unhinged, and i agree with others that after she threatened to call the county on you i would be less inclined to have her in your home. any chance you could have the gathering in the small living space off the garage so no stairs are involved at all and everyone comes in through the garage?

        1. Not really. The kitchen is on the main floor so any food, drinks, cups, etc. would have to be brought down — meaning I’d make a million trips up and down the stairs. There is a small powder room down there but it’s such a tiny space everyone would basically be standing around the bathroom door, you can hear everything. I also don’t use that space for anything but storage, so I don’t have furniture down there, no fridge, and I don’t have any extras to put down there. I live alone, I’m not really inclined to decorate and furnish a whole space I’ll never use when I have a perfectly lovely main floor that is much more spacious and comfortable.

    11. Entertain but insist that everyone come in through the garage.

        1. Yes, this.

        2. That’s what I would do.

    12. Your inspector says it is fine. Your HOA says it is fine. Your neighbors say it is fine. I would assume that it is fine, just a little wobbly.

        This is a random internet stranger giving you permission to tell this woman that she is welcome to use the inside stairs if she is not comfortable but that your inspector and HOA all say it is not dangerous and you cannot change it without HOA permission.

15. I’m in a part time grad program while also working full time as a federal employee in an agency thats really going through it/in the process of being dismantled.

    As a result, my mental health sucks and I just don’t have the bandwidth every week to turn things in on time. As a result, I am not doing well in my class/I will likely need to retake it (even though I’ve done very well (95 and above) on the things I’ve turned in on time).

    Professor is not willing to work with me on offering partial credit for late assignments even though I’ve explained the situation and gotten a note from my doctor (it’s too late to get a medical accommodation).

    If I don’t get my grade up in this class, I’ll have to retake it which means paying for it again. My advisor said my mental health is more important than my grade and to drop the class and retake it later which is fine except that I don’t feel comfortable spending that money when I’m about to be laid off.

    I’m frustrated that I dug myself into this hole but also very frustrated that the university has not been accommodating at all!

    I understand that in undergrad deadlines are important so students learn how to adhere to them and to balance competing priorities. In a part time grad program where everyone has a full time job? I don’t think it’s as important. I’ve been very successful for the past 9 years in my career. I know how to handle deadlines and competing priorities. It’s never been an issue for me until now. Needing to repeat a course and pay several thousand dollars because I’m having a mental health crisis because my career is disappearing among other things is just kicking me while I’m down.

    1. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. And this is my hesitation about returning to school. It’s just that school can’t be my first priority, my job is. I have family and elder care responsibilities also. It’s just a lot to have to say “this is priority 5 for me on a typical day,” but sometimes, it is what it is.

    2. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. But as someone who is usually working with the institution on things like these, the solution was to request an accommodation in advance. You can’t wait until after you’ve missed the deadline and then offer the explanation that it was due to a medical problem – it sounds like an excuse and the schools / employers aren’t crazy or heartless for refusing to give you a pass after the fact – especially when it’s happened more than once. I don’t think they’re enforcing the deadline to teach you how to manage deadlines – I think they’re enforcing the deadline because otherwise it would be chaos, and they have to treat students consistently. So all this to say that while I sympathize, I think you should take your advisor’s advice and drop the class and retake it when you have the mental bandwidth to focus on it.

       1. It’s only a 7 week class so everything is compressed. I tried to drop the class in week 1 when I realized I wasnt going to be able to keep up, but I had already passed the deadline to withdraw and get my money back. Since I cannot just light a few grand on fire right now, I couldn’t withdraw.

          I’m doing my best with doing things in advance. I communicated my situation to my advisor and my professor and the university in week 1.

          I cry every day. I haven’t slept through the night in months. I eat like 1 frozen meat and a full handful of chips a day and a premade protein shake a day because I can’t manage meal planning or cooking. I work 10 hour days then try to fit in homework and applying to jobs. I’m a total mess and my executive functioning is lacking.

          I went to the doctor in week 2 or 3 to discuss a medical accommodation (and told the university I was doing so) but they just got my paperwork back to me now.

          I really really am trying to do my best. But the situation is just so insane.

          I’ve woken up every single day for 3 months to the very distinct possibility I won’t have a job. My department’s secretary is on the news saying haha they want to gut my agency and that were so terrible.

          1. I would still withdraw even if you won’t get your money back. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

          2. You’ve already lit the money on fire. It’s a sunk cost. Just drop the class and move on.

    3. Ok, but it’s pretty entitled of you to think that the deadlines shouldn’t apply to you because of whatever reasons.

       1. This. Life doesn’t work this way.

       2. I adjunct at a community college and tell my students that as long as they get the work in I’ll grade it.

          Why wouldn’t you be flexible with students who have to balance work and school?

          It’s an immense privilege to be able to afford full time grad school (with or without loans).

          1. You can set the rules for your classroom. The other professor can set the rules for theirs. It is their choice whether to enforce them or not, and it is not at all unreasonable for them to say “no, those are the rules.”

       3. Ok but why wouldn’t you extend grace when you can?

          I’m not trying to be some teenage edge lord here, but these deadlines are entirely fabricated. They don’t mean anything. If someone has some extraordinary circumstance in their life, why not offer partial credit for late work?

          1. Because it’s a ton of work for the professor? You don’t seem to have any respect for the people involved in actually running this program, and the professors at probably paid next to nothing. Would you want to keep track of different deadlines for 30 different students?

          2. As a professor, one big reason not to is that I want to return graded assignments to the rest of the class as quickly as possible. For the types of assignments with a set of correct answers, waiting more than a couple days for late assignments delays giving feedback to everyone else. So for problem sets and similar types of assignments, I either don’t accept late work or only accept it a day or two late before posting the answers or discussing them in class. For essays or assignments where students will be turning in unique work, I’m more flexible, but it’s still hard to juggle grading in a large class, plus the assignments often build on each other, so not getting things done on time pretty easily spirals out of control and it often doesn’t really do students any favors to think of the deadlines as flexible as they fall father and farther behind.

             That said, I’m still usually willing to work with people in really bad situations, and probably would be giving the OP a bit more grace in this situation, though it would depend on the specifics of the class and assignments. It’s always a struggle to balance treating everyone fairly, knowing that many of my students have challenging life situations but only some of them are comfortable telling me about them and asking for exceptions.

             1. Thanks for this explanation, I appreciate it.

                It’s an 8 person class and the assignments I missed were short (4-5 page) essays. There’s only a 3 day window in which he’ll accept late work, so basically 2 bad weeks put me in a situation I am struggling to dig myself out of.

             2. Not to pile on, but does that mean you had 3 days beyond the deadline to turn it in already?

       4. Idk maybe I have a different view than my professor, but why wouldn’t you help a student out who needs it?

          If someone needs help and you’re in a position to help them then you help them. It’s what you do as a good person.

          1. Perhaps the professor *is* helping OP by applying the rules fairly and equally to all students and reminding her that the world does not revolve around her.

             1. Look I don’t think the world revolves around me. I get that sometimes you try your best and come up short

                But this is also literally unprecedented times. I’ve managed work and school through lots of challenges before. Unfortunately doing so took a toll on my mental snd physical health.

                I’m doing my effing best right now. If that’s not enough for this professor that’s fine but I’m still allowed to be upset and stressed about it.

                I’ve worked really effing hard through my career, doing things most people would never do (deploying to austere environments as a civilian to work 12-18 hour days with 1-2 days off a month while making 60k). I’ve worked really hard at school. I’ve worked really effing hard to be financially self sufficient (paying for school out of pocket as I go. Not being able to afford to outsource anything. Heck – I started my career making 22k a year in a HCOL almost a decade ago and hustling at a second job to make ends meet).

                I know none of that is special and lots of people do it.

                It just feels like the one time I need a break and have needed a little “boost” so I can graduate without losing more money because I’m about to lose my career I’m not getting a hand.

             2. I get you. I also think you need to $uck it up and deal.

                I have also been dealt a sh!tty hand in life and have worked harder and put up with more than most people on this planet. But guess what? No one cares, and the only people who get special treatment are the ones who don’t deserve it. For people like us it’s “$uck it up, buttercup.” So do that. Either get 100% on every assignment or drop the class, but stop expecting someone to feel sorry for you and help you out. That will never happen.

             3. > this is also literally unprecedented times

                100 years ago, the country was about to enter the worst depression it’s ever had.

                80 years ago, the world was embroiled in its Second World War. A government was gassing entire groups of people as its set policy. Americans were put into internment camps. Two nuclear bombs were dropped on major cities.

                60 years ago, civil rights protestors were shot, beaten, and arrested en masse.

                40 years ago, the American government subsidized coups and paramilitary actions in foreign countries.

                25 years ago, Americans encountered terrorism and decided “shock and awe” was an appropriate response.

                And so on. All of those were “unprecedented times”, too, and people got through them. You will get through this time, too, whether or not you drop the class. But you really, really should drop the class and stop tormenting yourself.

       5. I have a longer reply down thread and I get it, we don’t just het things because we’re nice or a good person or whatever.

          I’m frustrated though that I’ve worked very very hard to claw myself to where I am with my career, school, and life. The one time I need a hand I’m not getting it.

          I know life is hard and lots of people work hard and deserve help but it is really frustrating that the career, education, and financial stability I’ve absolutely killed myself to achieve are all being torn away at the same time and the one time I need assistance I am not getting it.

          1. I would strongly recommend doing some cognitive distortion worksheets on how you’re thinking about this. I promise you this is not the first time you’ve sought assistance. It may be the first time you have heard no, but it is not the first time you have needed help. You have constructed a scenario that is distorting reality, and you will feel better about it if you address the distortions. The worksheets really help. I like the David Burns ones, if they’re on Google.

    4. This isn’t what you want to hear but in a part time grad program everyone has things going on with their life outside of school. They may have a busy period at work with 12+ hour days, business travel, childcare responsibilities… Everyone has a “legitimate” reason to turn in assignments late when they’re grown adults with full time jobs. It would be chaos if they granted exceptions. You have a lot going on and it’s understandable that you’re struggling. But if you haven’t received a formal accommodation from the school your professor isn’t out of line here.

       1. I get that. This is my final class in my program. I know everyone is busy and has stuff going on. I’ve had plenty of that.

          I’ve done my best to be communicative throughout the semester and I’m just getting no support.

          FWIW, I got similarly no support when I got put on deployment orders mid semester. Ended up failing the class because I couldnt keep up with class while working 90 hour weeks. Even thought I was on official government deployment orders…

          1. You seem really set on blaming everybody else for this.

             1. +1

          2. If this is your final class in your program, you are ready to be DONE. I get it. I worked full time while doing school. Honestly, I would prioritize passing the class. You can’t control what is happening with your job and it may or not be there when you are done with school, so get school done. Take leave. Use your sick days as mental health days and use that time to focus on school. Don’t kill yourself for a specific grade (a lower grade can be explained away by the state of the world) – just focus on finishing.

             Also, depending on where you are and how sensitive the school is to current conditions, maybe reach out to a dean or provost for academic affairs to ask if there are any flexibilities for current federal workers. It sounds like a little grace would go a long way. Good luck!

             1. Thanks. Yes, I’m taking two days off this week ro write my final paper, final exam, and do the last 4 assignments. Yes…there are 6 things due (actual due dates not me being late with stuff) in the last week of class. In a program thats designed for those working full time.

                The issue more lies in the fact that I had late/missed assignments earlier in the semester and I can’t dig myself out of the hole I put myself in. I recognize I put myself in this situation and I’m furious at myself but at the beginning of the semester my depression was so bad I could barely get out of bed.

                I mentioned I previously had to drop a class for medical reasons so I understand that things aren’t fair and sometimes you have to just eat the money and deal and try again next semester. But, I just can’t afford that now.

                After 3 years of working FT (including plenty of times with mandatory overtime) and school you’re right I’m just ready to be DONE. It also sucks because I’m more than likely going to have to pivot careers and the degree won’t matter anymore. So all of this for nothing.

                I’m just aiming for a C- to graduate. I’m happy to make up work, do whatever, just to hopefully get a C-

             2. Listen to yourself! This is just NOT the time for you to be doing this kind of program. Working mandatory overtime, deploying, etc., even before all this recent chaos started. . . you can have it all in theory, but you can’t have it all at once.

             3. The professor sure is going to like that approach!

    5. I’m really sorry that things are so difficult right now. I don’t have any good advice, but wanted to say this internet stranger is sending support in this uncertain time.

    6. So many hugs to you. It’s really unfortunate that the professor isn’t more willing / able to work with you on figuring things out. I have been in grad school (both in a part-time program and in a full-time one) and it really depends on the professor more than anything else. (And when I was teaching undergrads, I also saw a wide range of flexibility – everyone gets to decide for themselves where they want to draw the line.)

       1. Yeah it’s really frustrating. I’ve had great professors when I didn’t need flexibility and some ones without flexibility when I have needed it.

          All I have asked for is the opportunity to turn in 3 missed assignments fot partial credit. I just need a C- (instead of an F) to pass without having to retake this class. It’s an elective. It’s my last class til I graduate.

          I know I don’t get favors for just existing, but I’m really, really going through it right now. Just a little help would be appreciated. I’m
          Not asking for an A, I’m not asking to do less work. I’m just asking for partial credit for work I’ll do.

          I had some health issues that ended up requiring surgery last year. I dropped a class mid semester (and forfeited my tuition money) because I couldn’t keep up with class while sick. I understand that sometimes this happens.

          This is thr third semester I’ve had something major pop up that impedes my ability to get things done. Some I gritted out and just did poorly. Some I dropped out.

          I just really need to be done with the class without having to pay a few grand to retake it.

          1. So, assuming your professor won’t do anything, can you still literally pass with what’s left in the class? Because it seems like arguing is going to get you nowhere, whether fair or not, so you need regroup. Don’t waste your energy on further wheedling instead of just getting the remaining assignments 100%.

          2. Have you asked your prof what it would take in order for you to pass the class? Not argue about getting partial credit, not try to justify why you should be exempt from the consequences that apply to other late students, but if it is feasible for you to actually get through?

    7. Can you pass the class? There’s nothing to do here but focus on passing if it’s possible & by that I mean with the grade you earn by completing your remaining assignments on time (and perhaps deprioritize work as someone else noted) OR accept that it’s time to quit and retake the class later. Continuing as you are is just wasting time & energy that you don’t have right now.

       1. I can but I’ll have to really knock everything out of the park. So I’m trying my best to get it done but it’s certainly not guaranteed.

       2. Good luck. I’m glad it’s at least possible. It doesn’t sound like you would have time to do make-up work in addition to all these final assignments anyway, so maybe it’s actually the best strategy to focus on them.

    8. OP, you have this internet stranger’s permission to drop the class if that’s what you feel is right for you right now.

16. So to anyone who knows anything about this – was parking in my apartment garage the other day and an oncoming large SUV too such a wide fast turn that I being in a small sedan had to move quickly and the side of my car was scraped by the column of the garage. It’s superficial as this happened at 5 mph or less for my car but looks bad w a good amount of paint scraped off or scratched on a black car. I think it’s scratched as opposed to the paint from the column just being on my car now. One of the panels looks slightly bent but you have to stand at the exact right angle to see that – it’s the scratched paint on a black car that’s bad.

    I assume a body shop can fix this but any thought to cost? Hundreds? Thousands? I’m in DC if it matters. I wouldn’t spent thousands as it isn’t even that expensive a car but IDK prob treat myself to getting rid of this eyesore if was reasonable cost. Thoughts on cost? What to ask for? What to watch out for if they upsell?

    1. Your insurance should cover this except your deductible. This is what you have insurance for.

    2. If its just one body panel, I’d guess it will be between $500-800 to fix.
       You can take it to a body shop for a quote before they do any repairs – shouldn’t be any obligation to proceed if you don’t like what they are proposing.
       Don’t bother with insurance, its probably close to or below your deductible.

    3. Go to a body shop you can get a personal recommendation for, if possible. Make it clear to them that it doesn’t need to be perfect and use a body shop that will actually do imperfect work.

       A higher end body shop will want to remove the panel, completely remove all paint, buff down the metal if possible, match the paint exactly to your car which may require them to order paint, then prime and repaint the whole panel. If the scratches are deep enough they may want to replace the entire panel. It will take days or weeks and you’ll be without your car most of that time.

       Or they could just buff it a bit and patch the paint and you’ll get your car back in a day or two. That’s the option you want. Finding someone who will do that is the problem. Depending on how much you care, I might start at an auto shop and see what options they have to DIY it.

    4. This is not going to be the solution for everyone, and that’s okay. If you’re not interested in spending a ton of money and just want the paint scratches off, you can use glass-top stove cleaner and a microfiber rag to remove the paint. My kid did something similar in a parking garage and left yellow paint on the side of his car. The small dents weren’t obvious but the paint from the concrete pillar was, so we tried this method and it worked. It could cause some mini-abrasion to your paint, so only you can determine if that’s okay with you versus spending $500-$800 on a newly painted door. For my kid’s beater car, it was the perfect solution.

    5. It can range radically. A dealer will have your panels completely repainted and repaired, probably thousands. You could also try a dent and paint repair for hundreds instead. All depends on if you own the car as you may have lead repair obligations and how much you care if the car is yours.

17. Looking for a beautiful beachy vacation for me and my 14 (by then almost 15) year old daughter in August, preferably Caribbean/not terrible flight from the East Coast. I know August is hurricane season so we will get travel insurance and be prepared to pivot — that’s just the only time we can get away. We only have 4-5 days and I’m willing to spend what I need to make those days as peaceful and fun as possible. Despite living on the east coast now, I grew up on the west coast and thus have mostly been to Hawaii, but that seems too far to fly for such a short trip. Where should we go? Thanks!

    1. With a short trip I’d try to minimize travel time. Bermuda should be lovely in August.
       Or Turks & Caicos – PLS is a nonstop flight from many East Coast hubs even off season, and it’s not in the path of the sargassum belt.

    2. i’ve never been and dont think it is necessarily some amazing destination, but i believe Aruba is outside the hurricane belt. Also- what is fun for you? Do you want to just lay on the beach? go to activities?

       1. Great question — with that little time, mostly just looking to lie on the beach and play in the waves. Snorkeling and walking around would be great add-ons, but this will come at the end of a long, crazy stretch and I’m likely to be tapped out. Thanks!

    3. I don’t really understand the appeal of the Caribbean in the off season but Bermuda could be lovely. Why not hit up a beautiful east coast beach? If im reading this right there are a lot of gorgeous beach towns you haven’t been to yet.

    4. I love St Martin, and August is early enough that most restaurants will still be open. Way more places are closed in September and October.
       With 4-5 days I agree on prioritizing nonstop flights though.
       I don’t think the longer flight to Aruba/Bonaire/Curacao is worth it if you’re able to roll with the chance of a hurricane cancelation or delay. These islands are also not nearly as pretty as places like Turks, St Martin, Bahamas, etc.

    5. Bermuda would be my first pick.

18. Has anyone purchased rugs from Revival Rugs? I’m looking at wool rugs there, including but not limited to Moroccan rugs. Is the quality any good?

    My frame of reference is crate and barrel, pottery barn/west elm wool rugs, which I’ve been happy with the quality. I was unimpressed by a Quince wool rug that I purchased.

    1. Check out Tanner.Leatherstein on TikTok or instagram for some real insight that explains why Quince’s quality is terrible.

19. i realize this is controversial and coming up a bit on the mom’s page today- but do you think anyone who voted for the current president is racist/anti-trans/anti immigrant/anti-LGBTQ+ etc.? And if so – how do you explain or understand how people of color, etc. voted for the current president and/or work for him? Can you be a person of color and be racist?

    1. Um, you can be a POC and be racist because the world is not divided into “white” and “other.” There are many races for each person to discriminate against and in some cases people discriminate against others within their own race. A POC can also be racist against white people, but maybe he’s not voting for Trump. And this is a matter of opinion, but many who voted for Trump voted against their own interests with the misguided assumption that they personally were exceptions to his policies or that Trump “didn’t really mean it” when he said he’d deport people or get rid of entitlement programs or the like.

       1. Yeahhhh wild to say non-whites can’t be racist. Some of the most racist people I’ve ever met were Latino (Cuban American). They would happily list every south Florida immigrant population in order from best (Cubans, of course) to worst (Nicaraguans and Haitians), and make wildly racist comments about each group (like “Mexicans are dumb but good for cheap labor because they have a much better work ethic than Salvadorans”). According to them, this isn’t unique to Cubans and every Latino group looks down on all the groups that are lower on the the ranking of “status,” which I’m guessing is a combination of wealth, education and being more white-passing.

    2. I think this falls into the same division that the christian church has: sins of omission (failure to act) and sins of commission (deliberate action). There are the people who are actively racist, and people who do nothing to prevent racism. Many people do not consider that second category racist. There’s also a strong sense of MYOB and individuality in the US which means that it’s easy to justify not being responsible for things that other people do, so the second category gets a pass. Racism and bigotry cannot flourish without both categories of participants.

       As far as the second issue, I would argue that in any culture, there’s some anger at people who are like you but who “step out of line” and make you look bad. So, people who have immigrated here would look down on and seek punishment for those immigrants who break the law and make other immigrants look bad, the idea being that once the bad apples are removed, the good apples will be permitted to thrive.

       1. Right, it’s ultimately a question of how we label those who not actively hating immigrants or LGBT people, but they are not so uncomfortable with the GOPs rhetoric around those things that they would reconsider their vote, or they might say they disagree with the talking points, but they prioritize something else for their vote. Do you call that racist? Is there a such a thing as a neutral standpoint on racism?

    3. Maybe, but I mostly think they were uninformed about what they were voting for. It’s easy to hate on dems, it’s harder to think critically about how widely various policy choices impact you and your family.

    4. I don’t have all the answers here. But yes, POC can be racist. I have met people who feel like “I come to this country legally and worked really hard, and all these people come illegally and gets handouts” or some groups feel superior to other groups. And some people fixate on a specific points (the tr@*s issue, COVID closures affecting their small business, gay marriage, @b**tion, inflation, etc) and believe the Rs when they tell them it’s all going to be amazing.

    5. Of course there are folks you’ve mentioned who voted for this man for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with racial or lgbt issues.

       There are also folks who accurately see themselves as a member of one of those groups but also as an individual that exists in a particular place in an existing social hierarchy, with a status that they wish to preserve. Think of white women who vote against women’s rights: i suspect their place in the social hierarchy, specifically their proximity to white men, feels more valuable than equal rights.

       I tend to default to more scholarly definitions of racism; meaning it’s hard to define outside of an existing power structure. But of course people of color can be prejudiced against others inside and outside of their racial or ethnic group.

       If being subjected to bigotry made someone incapable of bigotry the world would be a kinder place. But that’s not the case.

    6. People have more than 1 single identity (their race). I suspect many POC men voted for Trump because they’re misogynist and don’t want a woman president. But a majority of white women also voted for Trump. A woman candidate and the threat of abortion bans didn’t motivate them. I think they were concerned primarily with economic issues.

       I also think a lot of people don’t even know what policies they voted for, or they didn’t believe Trump, or they think it won’t impact them…and now we’re in the FAFO stage. A neighbor had Trump and MAGA flags, and now he’s devastated his son lost his VA job…

    7. I think it’s common to the point of feeling used to it to deal with racists, transphobes, etc., across the political spectrum and from day to day. I wouldn’t know how to get through life without ever working for or voting for someone terrible.

    8. If you think you can’t be racist unless you are white, you’ve clearly consumed too much of the DEI identity-politics nonsense that got us into this mess in the first place.

    9. My parents were well off in their home country, then became refugees fleeing a communist takeover. They will never vote Democrat because they associate that word with communism, full stop. Plus they identify with Republican values that they were raised with, think: protecting your personal wealth, women are better suited as stay at home mothers, abortion is wrong, we go to a Christian church. Others see them and think, POC immigrant refugees. They look in the mirror and think, upper class patriotic Americans with conservative values.

    10. In all seriousness, what kind of answer are you looking for?

        Are we supposed to say, “Yes, everyone who voted for Trump is evil, racist, misogynistic, or completely ill-informed and there is no possible way that any single person out of 73 million people made a thoughtful, rational decision that is not motivated by animus”?

        1. Yes? This is just yet another iteration of “why doesn’t xxx do/think/feel the same way I do” that pops up here almost daily in response to almost any situation imaginable. Some people are very bothered that there are things they don’t understand, and will expend tremendous mental energy trying to understand to relieve the discomfort.

    11. Broadly, most Republican voters vote solely on what they perceive to be their own interest and do not care about issues that they don’t believe impact themselves. I sport shoot; almost every man I know in the sport claims to be in favor of a woman’s right to choose but will vote for their 2A rights over abortion rights any day. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell them, Dems aren’t taking your guns, lookysee at my gun safe that’s bigger than me, but the Reps sure are taking the lives of your wife, sisters, daughters when they make it illegal to get healthcare for a miscarriage.

    12. People are complicated. They rarely vote based on a single issue, particularly a social issue, and often vote against their own economic self-interest. But (1) in my experience POC are just as racist (using the commonly understood definition not the academic one) as white people (some of the things that Mexican-Americans will say about immigrants from Guatemala will horrify you) and (2) people often disregard a lot of what politicians or their supporters say as hyperbole until it comes back to bite them. And their thoughts and beliefs are often more nuanced than labels give them credit for.

        As an example: One one hand, I believe tr*ns people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I do not think they should be discriminated against in workplaces or military service. I do not care what bathroom they use (although I wish we had something like the British system for differentiating between trans women and perverts taking advantage). I am happy to use whatever pronouns they prefer. On the other hand, I do not think someone with the biological advantages of having been born male should generally be allowed to play women’s sports or given access to very limited areas that are reasonably restricted to people who do not have p*nises because I do not think their rights to access overrides a biological female’s rights to athletic achievement, safety, privacy and self-determination in things like selecting a medical provider of a specific gender. This is one of those areas where perfect fairness is not possible so I default to the maximum benefit for the maximum number of people. And I think the conversation about where we draw lines is worth having.

        So am I anti-tr*ns? People on this very site have certainly said so. (Although to be clear, I did not vote for Trump because while I had issues with some of the more extreme positions on the left I was not prepared to sign on to affirmative cruelty.)

        I could come up with similar examples on abortion, immigration, etc. People’s beliefs are often complex and just calling someone names is not a helpful way to have a dialogue. But to answer your question: I doubt more than half of the voters in America are horrible people and dismissing everyone who did not vote your way is a great way to never win another election.

        1. I think a lot of people (including me) feel similarly to you about trans people, although I am open to trans women competing in women’s sports within parameters that maintain fairness for biological females. I found the NYT article about Blair Flemming that ran over the weekend really interesting.

           It was disappointing to see each side take such an extreme position on this issue, especially because I think full inclusion of trans women in spaces reserved exclusively for women makes a lot of people deeply uncomfortable (in a way that feels more immediate to them than human rights of “others” being infringed upon), so the right has been able to weaponize fear of the democratic position very effectively. A tactical retreat from trying to equate trans women with biological women in all respects might have preserved some more rights for the trans community.

    13. Does it matter if they “are racist” or not if they voted for someone that puts racist policies into place? Very few people identify that way, and the term “racist” when applied to people you disagree with always devolves into name calling. I focus on the way you treat people in front of you – if I see you do something unkind, I’ll call you out and reevaluate spending time with you. If a friend tells me that they’ve been hurt by someone, that can be cause to stop spending time with the sometime in question.

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