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Updated: Sep 13, 2023 130 Comments · by

Mini Trend Alert: Silver Loafers for Work

Coffee Break· Trends

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silver croc-embossed loafer with black sole

Silver shoes are coming back in a big way, and there are a ton of great options for loafers. I love the look because it's similar aesthetically to the white sneakers, but more polished, and kind of fun as well.

Let's back up – I was reading first about how silver shoes are a better alternative to the silver denim that we're seeing places, because the trend will be more long lasting. And it really does feel like it's been about a decade since metallic shoes were popular — so clearly it's time to see it again.

There are a bunch of silver heels right now (especially in the $1000+ designer space), but I was struck by how many great loafers there are — a lot of reader favorites like the Sam Edelman

The pictured loafer is from Steve Madden, and available in sizes 6 to 10. For $79 it's an affordable way to try the trend. There are lots of other options if you don't like these, though — reader favorites such as these Sam Edelman ones or these G.H. Bass ones; the longtime bestselling travel flats from Tory Burch also seem really fresh in the silver. I did a mini-roundup of other options; I'll put the widget below the disclosures.

Readers, what are your thoughts on the trend for silver shoes?

Some of our other favorite options for silver shoes…

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Moose

    Where are stylish men shopping these days? Husband wants to update his wardrobe. Looking for casual/business casual. Likes vintage-inspired styles, doesn’t wear athleisure outside of working out. Has plenty of jeans. Shoe ideas too please! Anyone have fashiony male partners?

      • Ellen

        I agree with Senior Attorney. Nordstrom’s is great for men, and so too is Brook’s Brothers. There is a feeling of elegance when I go into Brook’s Brothers with my Dad, who knows all of the salesmen there. He is a big buyer there, as Grandma Leyeh always insisted that he look the part he plays, be it on the job, the golf course or the club house. He has all fresh clotheing each season, which he wears, even around his house. Mom think’s it is excessive, but she reaps the bonus of having to send all of those clotheing out to the dry cleaners rather then having to launder them herself.

    • Panda Bear

      I love the men’s collection from Toast, but shipping and returns can be pricey if you are in the US.

    • Anon

      There’s a sale at Nordstrom right now and he can request a personal shopper, which is usually easier in the Menswear department in terms of availability. If your husband is anything like mine, one and done is the key in terms of shopping, which is the advantage of a department store

    • BayAnon

      My vintage-y guy likes Taylor Stitch, Marine Layer, Faherty, Billy Reid, and Filson (none of which are cheap but they all have sales!). Huckberry sells a bunch of these brands and also others with a similar style. I think he looks good but I’m biased! :)

  2. Anon

    If you were to try to revamp your life, what would be a list of organizational to-dos you’d start with? Things like organizing your desk, cleaning your room, meal planning for a month. I feel so disorganized and want to get a handle on things.

    • Senior Attorney

      Back in the day I used to follow http://www.flylady.net. There’s a lot not to like about her, but she does have a lot of checklists and to-do’s to get you started. There’s also www. un f u c k yourhabitat.com, which is similar but with a very different attitude.

    • Sunshine

      I would start with making my bed each day. When my house is a mess, making the bed really helps me get going. The bed is a huge, visual item that dominates the bedroom. Having it look nice makes everything else seem better.

      My second step would be to empty the kitchen sink of al dishes so everything is either in the dishwasher or put away. Again, for me the dishes stacked up is a huge visual thing that makes the rest of the kitchen look terrible.

    • Anonymous

      Depends. What is it about your life that feels disorganized? Do you need to organize your time or your possessions? Or both?

    • anon

      Probably the most important things…

      Financial organization. Where my money is going, how I am saving. Long term goals. How I’m managing bills. Getting things on autopay. Using the right credit cards. Shopping smart.

      Then what helped me most was deciding to simplify meals. Same breakfast. Small rotation of lunches that I like that are reasonably healthy. Core grocery list for major stores that I keep a post-it on and add what to buy as the week goes on. Then finding my core list of dinner meals, deciding to have a couple routines (eg. Fish every monday, pizza fridays, take out or eat out once per week or two weeks etc..) and then every week make the list of the dinners for that week. Shop accordingly. Much less waste this way, takes the stress out every day about what to do. I heat healthier and better.

      Then…. hire someone to do the basic cleaning if possible, or decide on a basic strategy for you/your family.

      Everything else is cake.

      I do have a system for how/when to do laundry, always make bed, always deal with mail on the day it comes, always load dishwasher at night and run, always take dishes out in the AM.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds cliche, but I would start by going deeper and examining the reasons I want to make the big changes. You can’t treat the symptom, so to speak, if you haven’t diagnosed the disease.
      Start with what you think “getting a handle on things” will look like and go from there…

    • Ses

      I just did this in a very cheesy way. I thought – what would a home-makeover person change here?
      And it was a bunch of superficial stuff.. more storage, a smart TV and soundbar instead of connecting up a laptop and fiddly bits…committing to a grocery delivery with regular boring items, and a few other home improvements that aren’t very cool but just make things easy. That has given me the room to do actually interesting things with my spare time instead of making everything (food, living, dressing etc) “interesting theatre”

  3. Anon

    I’m working on finding a lawyer to help with a special-needs trust and also my will (for me and spouse).

    What else have you all done:
    Pick burial plots
    Decide on church, type of burial service (wake, viewing, service or some of that)
    What else in the logistics department should I be thinking of? Especially if one kid is vanilla and one may need a conservator type adult looking after them (will be OK if compliant with meds and possibly cycling in and out of emergency holds if not; kid is smart and might go to college and have a job or May succumb to their mental health issues).

    • Senior Attorney

      My husband has executed all the necessary estate planning and medical directive documents, but he absolutely refuses to talk about funeral/burial arrangements. (I think he’s a bit traumatized from some drama surrounding his late wife’s final arrangements.) I finally told him what I want for myself, and said “you realize that by refusing to decide, you’re agreeing to whatever I decide, right?” And he said “right,” so that’s where we’ve left it for now.

    • Anon

      We have all the estate planning documents – will, trust, healthcare directive, guardianship for our minor children, etc.
      We haven’t made any funeral plans. I guess whoever survives would just decide, or our parents would decide if we both die.

    • Josie P

      I care not one whit about my burial or funeral. If I could go to my own funeral I’d have it in a fancy church with fancy music but my DH hates churches so he prob wouldn’t do that. Note that you will need ready $$ to throw said funeral – it happens well before the PR/executor is appointed.

    • Sunshine

      Medical and financial powers of attorney
      DNR or not DNR
      Advance directive
      Central place for passwords
      List of institutions where all money is placed (savings accounts, 401ks, brokerage accounts, etc)
      List of critical people to notify upon death along with contact information

      If you want to get really nitty gritty, then add what you want exactly for your funerals such as pallbearers, music, homily, flowers; do you want an open or closed casket; embalming or not; what clothing you want to be buried in

    • Been There

      * tell all the kids where the key to the safe/account numbers/checkbooks etc are
      * tell all the kids that you are leaving everything to everyone in equal measures – or explain while you are still alive why not
      * make sure there are enough liquid assets around to handle the immediate costs until the kids start getting money from the trustee (to be crass: parent left about $40K in cash in the safe (which we knew how to open because parent showed us where the key was and made us practice). We used a fair amount of it paying for funeral and plot. None of that had been handled in advance (only thing that was not), so we made decisions, put it on a credit card, deposited cash in checking account, paid credit card bill with check. It would have been much more stressful to deal with the trustee when time is of the essence and emotions are raw.)
      * If you leave tangible items, leave notes about why X item is meaningful because it came from Y trip or belonged to Z relative etc.

      • daflj

        In this case it sounds like it may make sense to give more to the second kid? Or provide for them some other way – may actually be more helpful to the first kid if their sibling is sort of taken care of

        • Anonymous

          In this case that doesn’t sound fair. The second kid can choose to be functional. It’s not the same as a child with an intellectual disability.

    • Nesprin

      DNR/advance directives/medical power of attorney- my mother had a DNI order and it made her death (which was a horrible situation) a little simpler knowing what she would would want.

      Have a conversation about all this stuff with your kids!
      Are you expecting non-special need kid to care for sibling or do you have a conservator in mind? Is your non-special needs kid aware of this and on board? When can this arrangement be changed and for what reasons?
      Who holds your medical power of attorney and when would you want them to not treat vs. override your DNRs?
      What could they expect for inheritance especially if one is special needs?
      Where are all the things they’ll need if the worst happens- safe deposit box or other safe location? do they know your lawyer?
      What would you want done with your remains etc.

    • Anonymous

      down the line, but once the trust is set up you should make the trust the beneficiary of most assets (but not retirement accounts).

      there’s also a book called “When I’m Gone” that walks you through stuff to think about.

    • anon

      Medical power of attorney.

      For me, I made sure all of my family knows I want everything/anything donated when I die, if possible. My state has organ donor status on our driver’s licenses so I am pre-registered. It is really important to let people know if you want this to be done. We are all pretty young on this website and if we suffer a tragedy where we die to young, wouldn’t you want to save half a dozen other people’s lives when you go?

      We just cremate in my family. My parents donated their bodies to science, and the organizations manage the cremation and return the ashes to the family afterwards. I just ask my family to leave my ashes underneath a tree in some forest somewhere…. but told them it doesn’t really matter, does it?

    • Anonymous

      I have told DH what I want, which is for my survivors to do whatever they need to process my death. If I die with 3 young kids, that might look way different than after a long disease, which would look quite different than of old age with lots of extended family.

      I did say if I die young, an idea might be to use my ashes as an excuse to take a family trip together around the world. But not because I care at all, it’s just something that I can see my husband enjoying but not really planning without a motivator.

      DH told me he wants a viking funeral and I told him he’d have to settle for me taking his remains to Norway or something, and setting them adrift on a small boat, which he was cool with.

  4. Betsy

    Any advice to share about selling your first home/buying your second? It seems so much more complicated to do than when you are buying for the first time and just have one house to worry about. I can’t quite figure out how people manage to get the timing to work out! And how to know how much house you can afford when your downpayment is going to come from the equity in your current house. I’ve been in my current house a few years longer than planned because of the crazy market and also just because I’m a little overwhelmed at the balancing act of selling and buying, but I think this year it’s really time to make a move.

    • Anonymous

      I know I’m coming from a place of extreme privilege, but: we borrowed the downpayment for #2 ($92k) from my father, and repaid him back after we closed on #1. because we paid it back before the year was up it didn’t trigger the gift limits for tax (because it wasn’t a gift). we could have sold some stock instead, but fortunately didn’t have to.

    • Anon

      Use a mortgage broker. They know what to do. Lots of people do this all the time.

      Basically, unless you can manage to sell the first house before you buy the second, which can involve temporary housing and storage, you get a “bridge loan” to buy the second house while you still own the first. You either refinance or just pay down that bridge loan when your first house sells.

      A mortgage broker is best because they have access to all lending markets, not just the limited products a particular bank might have. I adore my mortgage broker and have a long term relationship with her – many refinances later.

    • Anon

      In 2018, we bought our new house, moved, then sold our old house after it was empty (there was about a month gap between us moving out and the house being listed as we needed to get a repair done and also paint the house’s interior). We used a 401k loan to pay the down payment on the new house, and then reimbursed it in full when we sold the old house and got the equity.

      I do not recommend this approach. Our old house sat on the market for 4 months (it was not a down market then, just not a seller’s market) and we had to keep paying the mortgage and utilities on it that whole time, in addition to keeping it clean for buyers who were touring it (and of course, we were also paying the mortgage + utilities and new-home expenses on the new place). We had a major repair ($7500) that happened right before we listed it that would have happened had we still been living in the house, but definitely put more financial stress on us in a financially-stressful time.

      Right now, houses in some areas are sitting awhile, while in other areas, they’re still selling fast. If you think your home will sell fast, you can risk it. But unless you have a lot of free cash, I would recommend getting your current home fixed up and cleaned up, working with a realtor to list it (and dealing with the hassle of showing your home while you’re living in it) and then once it’s listed, going to look at houses knowing that your offer on the new place may need to be contingent on the sale of your old house. This is all so location-dependent – I know in some areas, people are still not even entertaining contingent offers – but ultimately, do what’s best for you and won’t cause you to put yourself financially at risk. We came out of our situation okay, but as financially-conservative savers, we were biting our fingernails off the whole time, waiting for the old house to sell. It was only four months, but I felt like we aged five years in those four months.

    • An.On.

      Talk with your realtor about the arrangements, but this happens a lot and there’s different ways to handle it. Normally closings get scheduled on the same day (back to back sometimes), so you sell home #1 and then close on your purchase. If the seller of house #2 is super nice, they might let you move stuff in early, but I wouldn’t expect that at all. Otherwise, people sometimes have it all loaded into a moving truck and just park it during the closings, or use a pod to hold their stuff from the first closing to the second. If you can’t schedule closings back to back, you get a storage unit and find a place to stay for a few days/weeks in between. If you can afford the second house without using the equity in the first, then you schedule house #2 first, and then take your time moving before closing on your sale of house #1. Note that I don’t live in a place where making the contract contingent on your selling your current home would make your offer non-competitive.

    • Anonymous

      You can do a bridge loan if you need the proceeds from your first home to help fund the second purchase. We were in a hot market and so sold our first home quickly, then moved out, put everything in storage, and rented a furnished apartment for a month until we were able to complete the purchase and move into our new house. Our realtor gave us a good estimate on what our house would sell for, and we were conservative in guessing how much money we would have for a down payment/how much to spend on the new house.

    • Anon

      It’s so hard! We did this last year and threw in a cross country move to boot. We had a two week gap in between homes, so we had to put our stuff in storage and live in an Airbnb. It was a LOT, so not something I recommend.

    • anon

      It is definitely harder! We ended up having a 2-week gap in between closings. It was outside our control, and we ended up couch surfing and spending nights at a local hotel. Not ideal but it was very temporary.

    • Anon

      I think this is very fact specific. For me, we went into contract with our old house and then put in a contingent offer to buy another. This is very market specific, as some markets have such high demand that sellers will not consider contingent offers. We also closed on both houses in a single day. We sold the house in the morning, wired the money over, and then bought the new house in the afternoon. It was all so stressful but ultimately worked out.

    • anon a mouse

      Talk to a mortgage broker. We opened a HELOC with the idea that we would use it to tap the equity for a move. You’ll need a good bit of equity as you may not be able to go above 80-85% loan to value with your existing mortgage, plus you’ll need to have the income to qualify for both mortgages for a short bit. It took longer than I expected for the HELOC to come through, maybe 6 weeks? Now if we could just find a house to buy….

    • Laura

      If you buy first and sell afterwards, you can also generally recast your loan by putting a portion of the sales proceeds towards your loan amount and reducing the monthly payment.

  5. Poll

    Lawyer poll! I’m at a conference in a very male dominated field, and yesterday a consultant interrupted a conversation I was having with my boss and colleague (both men), introduced himself to the two of them but not to me. He then literally turned his back on me and had a conversation with them, ignoring me the whole time. I complained to my parents and my dad (a lawyer) told me that “this would never happen at a law conference”. My mother (a pioneer in another very male industry) said he’s being an oblivious idiot. So, lawyers: would this happen at a law conference?

    • Anon

      It depends.

      I think it depends on the conference, the person doing the interrupting, and geography. Go to a law conference in the Deep South and you will have a different experience than in San Francisco.

          • Anon

            My experience has actually been the opposite of what this person implied though. There is more lip service paid to equality in big coastal cities, but I’ve been treated better in the Midwest and south.

          • Anon

            I practiced in Seattle and Atlanta and I’ll just say that my experiences in Seattle were much worse. I experienced straightforward discrimination in salary/promotion, the (very large!) firm had only 1-2 female equity partners and less than 10 female non equity partners, and it was made very clear to me their expectation was I would go off partner track when I had kids.

      • Anonymous

        Tell me you’ve never been to the “Deep South” without telling me you’ve never been to the “Deep South.”

        • Anon

          I have practiced in the south for most of my career and this has never happened to me.

        • Anon

          Seriously. Even if somebody really were sexist and backwards, this is not how you would treat a lady… but in general southerners are not this overtly rude.

          • Anon

            So true. Maybe sexist, maybe even misogynistic, but with good manners. Quite the paradox.

          • Moose

            Yup! Was about to say this. I may be spoken down to, or assumed to be not important, but southern folks do not ignore people in social settings, that’s for sure.

      • Anon

        +1 million – my experience with microagressions as a WOC were much worst in the DC-Area than Houston.

    • Anonymous

      Your dad sounds like my husband—assumes that because he personally doesn’t act like this that no other man does either.

      • Anon

        I can’t stand it when men have this attitude. Like, maybe believe the women telling you about their experiences!

    • Anon

      I have never been to a law conference, but have worked in male dominated industries and your boss and colleague also win jerk points for going along with the consultant. This is the lowest of low hanging fruit for men to be allies to their women colleagues. I would have a conversation when back in the office about it – chances are they are oblivious, but will do better once you explain what happened etc.

      • Poll

        yeah, they definitely dropped the ball here as well. I know I need to put on my big girl pants and talk to them but I am not looking forward to it

      • Anonymous

        +1 this could maybe happen to me at a law conference, but my boss would definitely turn to introduce me and include me in the conversation.

      • Anonymous

        100%. I think they may actually be worse. Men or women, always introduce everyone in your circle!

    • Anon

      I’m an actuary. This would 100% happen in my industry, I’m sorry to report, and in fact very similar things have happened to me, including my bringing a Junior staff member along to a meeting and having all the men in the meeting address him and rather than me.

    • Cat

      This happens in every industry… personally in that instance I’ve benefited from my colleagues not being oblivious nitwits like yours were!

    • Former Big Law Partner

      At a law conference, after the guy ignored you, he would have asked you to bring him a drink or said something about your job as a court reporter.

    • Anonymous

      This is bringing me back to when I was on a panel interviewing job candidates. We had a guy who turned away from me and spent the entire interview talking to my male colleague who was seated across from me. Even when I would ask a question, he would direct his response to my colleague. It was the strangest thing. Needless to say he didn’t get the job.

      But, yes, I’ve seen this so many times. It’s shocking how many sales people don’t learn that buying teams are actual teams sometimes, too.

      • Poll

        lol I had a candidate who called my colleague “Sir” and totally ignored me. and I was the hiring manager. idiot

        • Senior Attorney

          OMG back in the day the receptionist at my mid-size law firm used to greet everybody as they came off the elevator in the morning.

          “Good morning, Mr. Smith”
          “Good morning, Mr. Jones”
          “Good morning, Susie”
          “Good morning, Mr. Green”

          It was especially galling when Messrs. Smith, Jones, and Green were associates and Susie was a partner.

          • Anon

            My mom and dad have PhDs in the same field but my dad did not use his degree and my mom was a tenured professor and later dean of a college. They just got a letter from someone in the university’s HR office addressed to “Dr. Dad and Mrs. Mom”….my mom was NOT happy.

    • Anon

      This would also happen in my profession.

      I was once told I looked like I was a university student, in a manner definitely meant to belittle me, as a professional – even somewhat glamorous back then – 31 year old. My much younger male assistant was acknowledged professionally. Sexism is rife everywhere.

    • anon

      I’m a lawyer. I practice in the South but have attended conferences for my niche area all over the country. This type of thing could definitely happen at a law conference.

    • Anon

      That guy is an *ss. I don’t know that they are isolated to any particular profession. I believe they can pop up in anywhere at any time. They don’t usually stay around too long in any one particular job though.

    • Trish

      Your boss and colleague should be ashamed of themselves. Did you just walk away or what?

  6. Anonymous

    Poll: where is everyone going for spring break? (or where did you go if break is over?)

    • Anonymous

      What is “Spring Break”? I didn’t know we got those after graduation.

      • Anonymous

        if you have school-age kids, you do have spring break

        i regret not taking spring break when i did not have kids but worked with people who did have school-age kids… all of whom took spring break.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, I have no kids so hold down the fort every year for a week while all my colleagues take off unannounced for the same week.

      • Anonymous

        Plenty of people with kids take vacations when their kids are on spring break… this is not weird phrasing to me.

        (I don’t have kids, however, so we travel in shoulder seasons to avoid spring break crowds. And we’re going to France.)

      • Anon

        We’ve always taken a trip over spring break, but I have a professor husband so it’s our only chance to travel between December and May. Also once you have kids you have their spring break to deal with.

      • Anon

        Adults don’t “get” spring break, but most people who have kids take it. Here in the Midwest spring break was weeks ago, but “where are you going for spring break” was a hot topic of conversation at the time. I don’t think it’s a weird question.

        • Anonymous

          No. “Most people” with kids struggle to figure out where to store their kids while they go to work for the week.

          • Anon

            The vast majority of people I know with school age kids do take that week off, and I’m much less affluent than a lot of people here. Spring break for many people is a road trip to grandma and grandpa’s or camping in a state park, not a five star resort or Europe, but it’s still travel. I actually think the day camps so parents can work is a rich person thing – the camps are really expensive!

        • Anon

          Here in the Midwest we are on spring break this week. The vast majority of schools across several counties that make up our greater metro area all take the same week.

          Colleges in the area go in February, which is still the heart of winter.

  7. Not16

    I am 27 and every week at work someone thinks I’m 16. For example, yesterday: “You are so polite for your age, young girl. How old are you?” “…27” “oh, I could swear you were 16!”. This sort of thing happens every single week.
    I normally wear to work dark wash jeans, a blouse and a blazer. My hair is shoulder length and it is greying already but people still think I’m a teenager. I asked a colleague if my clothes made me look younger, but she said they were fine, I just have a baby face.
    Is there anything I can do to look older or should I just chill?

    • Anon

      You could try developing resting bitch face, draw some 11s and jowl lines with eyebrow pencil.

    • Anon

      This happened to me a lot in my 20s and I hated it. When I was I think 25, a flight attendant told me I had to leave the exit row because I wasn’t old enough to sit there. You only have to be 15 to sit there!! It stopped happening around 30 and now I miss it. So yeah it probably won’t be an issue for that much longer…

    • Moose

      I have always been presumed young, and at 32, it’s still happening and will continue to happen. I don’t think you’re doing anything that screams “teen” based on how you present. If you want practical advice, I seem to skew older when I wear more makeup, and with my glasses. Otherwise, it’s my experience that there are folks that will always feel the need to comment on your appearance/age/gender, no matter what, and there are those who are respectful and professional and treat you like a human. I now think of this as an etiquette issue than a “I look too young” issue – there is no reason to comment on someone’s age in this manner if they are clearly a coworker and you’re not friends. It’s rude. It’s the “You seem smart for your age” version of “You look good for your age.”

    • Anonymous

      Just chill. But, it bothered me too. Here’s what I’d suggest:
      – darker colors
      – well tailored clothes (yes I know the trend is baggy, but if not tailored-baggy, this can make you look like a kid playing dress up)
      – nice shoes
      – simple jewelry

      I used to get this all the time before Covid. Now I have wrinkles, worse skin, more grays, and always always look tired. Now I’m more likely to get wished happy Mother’s Day than asked when my graduation is (I’m 34, no kids).

      • Curious

        Lol right? My answer is like “gain 20 lbs, have a baby, and get cancer. They’ll stop thinking you look young.”

        But it drove me nuts when I was younger.

    • Anon

      Enjoy your youthful looks! But if it bothers you I find baby-faced women look young if they don’t intentionally style their hair (like heat styling or a tidy low bun), they wear minimal makeup, or dress like an intern trying to look professional (plain stuffy styles in conservative colors). Established women typically show more personality in their clothing and accessories. As I get older I care more about putting together an interesting outfit that works for my body type than adhering to traditional business clothes.

      Of course all of this is optional. You don’t need to blow out your hair and wear a statement blouse if you like how you look.

    • Anon

      If it bothers you, consider wearing glasses and a lippie. I used to get this (for me, it was my round, plump face) and now that I’m 58 I miss it! But I didn’t like it at the time because I wanted to be taken seriously. Glasses helped a ton.

      • BB

        Another vote for glasses. I look my age, but when I was younger I was in roles interacting with older colleagues. That was when I switched from contacts to glasses to “look older.”

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t tell them my age, but I would say “I’m old enough to vote/buy booze.” What asses.

    • Abby

      If you’re in a situation where you have to be polite, my go to is “wow thank you, I am thrilled my skincare routine is doing its job!”.

    • Anon

      I am still mistaken for someone much younger than I really am all the time. At my age (50) I have mixed feelings about it. When I first meet new people at work, they think that I am in my early 30’s. While it is mildly flattering from an ego perspective, I want people to give weight to my experience in my field and all the knowledge and years I have put in building my career. I completely understand having to deal with comments about looking like a teenager in your twenties. This may come across as obnoxious, I have never had anyone tell me that it is, but in conversation with colleagues I try to sometimes nonchalantly reference an event or something that I would not have memories of unless I was older. Not sure that even makes sense. I don’t have any answers for you, I really just came here to say it still sucks at my age. And pay no attention to people that say you will be glad when you get older. I’m still not glad when people blurt out “oh I thought you were only . . . ” Sorry you are in the same boat!!!!

      • Anon

        I struggle with this weird dichotomy, too. It was always annoying to have strangers approach me at my desk to ask me if my mom was working (well into my 30s). And while I am old enough now to find it flattering when people still think I am 30, it’s disconcerting to deal with the confusion when I mention my grown child coming to visit for holidays…No, I did not have them when I was 12, TYVM.

    • Anonymous

      Enjoy it and laugh at them behind their backs. I recently had someone at work call me a liar when I said my kids are all in their 20s…then…”you must have had them young…” no, I actually didn’t…

  8. Anon

    Another death question here. If you live far from your families, do you send one person to a family funeral or does everyone go? We go to all local family funerals (with kids once they were out of day care) and for far-away ones, one adult goes (with kids in the summer, not with kids during the school year) for other relatives. Most of our relatives are local to each other (we are the ones who moved away). AITA for not bringing everyone? I’d bring everyone for my parents or parents-in-law but I’m not sure how common that is less primary relatives unless they are local (where you see them more and may be closer than the official relationship). FWIW, if either of my parents dies, I would probably need to stay on for weeks, especially if my mother died first (she is the nerve center of that householderhold and my dad would be at a loss b/c he never really adulted without her or his dorm mother in college, so is basically a geriatric teenager who can’t hear). So in that case, would expect spouse to bring kids up for the funeral but not stay on afterwards or make repeat check-in visits except maybe in the summer / for holidays.

    • Moose

      In my family, it has always depended on the relationship to the person in question. Like you say, a parent or similarly close family member is different that the aunt that only my dad knows. In the past, yes, it was practical for the one who was close to the person to go. You’re not the a$$hole. Honestly, it can be a lot to ask to take time off, buy plane tickets, etc. for a whole family for family member’s death that is distant to you. Also, you can certainly send flower/cards/etc. from far away. I think the main thing is acknowledging the death and reaching out when you can, not going to the funeral if it’s someone it doesn’t make sense for.
      And to be clear, I’m someone who has gone to a TON of funerals, for friends’ relatives, etc., locally. I’m very pro-funeral and showing up for people in my city and within driving distance.

    • Anon

      I think this really depends on your relationship with the deceased, your family’s finances, and scheduling issues (big school event for kids? big meeting at work for parents?). But I have trouble imagining a situation where the kids would go with one parent while the other parent stays home, absent some scheduling issue. If the relative is close enough for the kids to go, then it’s odd for both parents not to do so.

      • Anon

        +1, the kids going stuck out to me, too. IMO one of the only acceptable reasons for the other adult not to go is to watch the kids. Unless there is a super important conflict, I’d think the whole family would go (for 1st degree relatives…2nd cousins, etc it’s not an automatic go unless you are otherwise close).

      • Anon

        In my family, grandparents want to see grandkids, so that means they come if possible. And there are cousins. Sometimes spouses can’t go (work event, already traveling, mutual sick older relatives, etc.), so I don’t see that as odd but I’m the one with the flex job and spouse has only so many days off for non-local funerals.

    • anon

      For my family, it depends on the logistics of travel, what day of the week the funeral is scheduled for, whether other relatives are bringing their kids, and what else is going on in our lives.
      – There’s a big difference between traveling to a place that’s either a 7-hour drive or 1-hour direct flight, vs a place that’s a 14-hour drive or requires a connecting flight. Prices matter too. And whether there’s a comfortable and affordable place to stay when we get there. And how much work or school we need to miss.
      – If kids are young, it helps if there will be cousins there. It’s also great if a more distant relative can help with young kids. At my uncle’s funeral, his daughter’s mother-in-law helped take care of the kids. The church opened up one of the preschool Sunday School rooms, and the kids were able to attend part of the service and then go in there and play and have a snack. At a recent local funeral, nobody was planning to bring their kids, so we left ours with a babysitter.
      – Certain times of the year are just difficult, like the beginning or end of the school year or holidays. Sometimes, timing is just unfortunate. (We had a fairly close relative who passed away days before our wedding, and the funeral was during our honeymoon.)
      – I think family values matter too. Funerals are a big deal in my husband’s family, and really in the whole community we live in. In my family, they’re not a big deal at all, and I’ve attended very few for either my mom’s or dad’s family.

    • Anon

      I’ve never gone to a family member’s funeral, at least not in the traditional sense. Both as a kid and as an adult, all of my family has been scattered across the country, so when people have died, they wait months or years to have a memorial service at a time convenient for people to travel. For example, grandparent memorials were held at Christmas, in combination with a family wedding, and combined for the other pair a decade and a year after their death. We buried their ashes at a cemetery in the town where they grew up, which is in the middle of nowhere, far from everyone, and where nobody had ever been, so it was basically a family trip to their home town to remember them and actually very nice. In families where everyone is far apart, it makes no sense for everyone to try to scramble and fly across the country on short notice, especially if there are kids involved.

    • Anonymous

      It depends. My husband is an only child. his mom is an only child. His grandmother recently died at 96 and only DH flew out. It was across the country, mask mandates were still in place, and we had 3 kids under 7. The services were MIL, FIL, DH, some close family friends, and some former neighbors of grandmother IL.

      When FIL’s brother died at 63 of a nasty cancer, DH and I both flew cross country. We went to holidays with him and he left behind a son a few years younger than us. If we had our kids at the time I’d have made a really big push to go, even if it meant leaving our kids home with a (family member) sitter.

      If we didn’t have kids, or only had one or two young ones, I would have gone out with DH. kids often bring joy to sad occasions.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the relationship. For some we would make the effort to all go, and some we would all stay home. I don’t view ‘family’ as an obligation to attend something, though.

    • Anon

      I think it depends what the people closest to the deceased want, within reason. I didn’t attend my grandmother’s funeral because my dad wasn’t close to her and really did not want me to go to the time and trouble of going (I had a toddler at the time). I obviously would have gone if my dad wanted me there. I know my cousins who were much closer to her think I’m a monster, but I viewed it as my dad’s loss and I was just trying to respect his wishes.

  9. Anonymous

    Can anyone direct me to some reading on how women in Wisconsin have organized and are pulling off these great victories? I’m blue in OH and need some inspo.

    • Anon

      Not to discredit the work of the organizers in WI who definitely deserve kudos, but it’s *much* bluer than Ohio, so a lot of it is the demographics you’re starting with.

    • anon

      Fortunately, abortion legislation is turning more young people and even some women Republicans into single issue voters. That needs be exploited as much as possible.

    • Anon

      I lead an Indivisible chapter in Minnesota. Indivisible (among others) was part of the WI organizing. You could look on Indivisible.org to see if there is a local chapter near you? They have been a great source of inspiration and support in my own organizing.

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