Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Single-Button Collarless Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This collarless blazer from Ann Taylor is a bestseller for a reason. The shape is gorgeous; the fabric is luxe, but not too fussy; and the winter-white color is endlessly versatile. Wear this with dresses, skirts, or trousers for a perfectly pulled-together look.
The blazer is on sale for $132.30, down from $189, at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes 00-18 and 00P-18P.
Sales of note for 9/4 (Happy Labor Day!):
- Nordstrom – End of season clearance, up to 50% off
- Anine Bing – Archive sale, up to 70% off select styles, online only
- Ann Taylor – 30% off you purchase, including new arrivals – $50 off when you spend $200. Readers love this easycare blouse and this blazer that makes a great separate.
- Anthropologie – 40% off sale! The reader favorite wide leg pants are on sale for as low as $86, including the pants I posted last week!
- Athleta – Up to 60% off + extra 30% off sale; readers love these pants
- Boden – 20% off everything – readers love these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
- CVS – Epic beauty sale, $10 off when you spend $30 (Walmart is having its “Beauty Event” as well right now!)
- The Fold – 20% off, limited time only
- J.Crew – 40% off your purchase
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off all stores and sitewide, PLUS extra 20% off orders over $125
- J.McLaughlin – Extra 40% off sale (ending soon)
- Lilysilk – Anniversary sale, save up to 70% (ending soon)
- Me & Em – Sale! Up to 60% off (new lines just added, exclusively online)
- M.M.LaFleur – Labor Day Sale Event, save sitewide! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Thru September 7: Extra 25% off clearance! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Sarah Flint – 20% off sitewide
- Talbots – Ends 9/4: 25-40% off wear-now styles
- Theory – End of season sale is on!
For a few weeks now, I have foot pain that seems to be consistent with plantar fasciitis. I have bought drug store insoles for my sneakers, and am not walking around barefoot in my house, mostly. I also bought some birkenstock knock-offs on Amazon which feels great on my feet when I walk. I also try stretching at least once a day.
However, the pain has not gone away especially when I get up to move, so I think it’s time to see a doctor about it.
Those of you who’ve been in that situation, how did you get care for this, and what kind? Orthopedic doctor? Podiatrist? Physical therapy? A combination?
And do I start with my family doctor for any referrals?
In my experience, orthopedic doctors just X-ray, find nothing, and then send you home with maybe a referral for PT, but they charge you a lot for a very short visit. But not sure my family doctor will be knowledgeable enough, so if I go that route, I want to be prepared to have an educated discussion about possible next steps.
Ok, hear me out… have you tried the plastic foot stretcher thing? It is terrifying but it improved my PF by 80%. I’m sure if it would be better if I believed in shoes with support/wearing shoes at home.
This!
I wear crocs in the house and also try to stretch periodically and just get more motion casually throughout the day. Sitting up in bed really aggravated it so I try to sit on the couch when I am reading, scrolling, or watching TV.
I’m intrigued. What kind of tool is this?
This one? https://a.co/d/00FIvZsp
Yep, that one!
I think that is pretty much what orthopedists are supposed to do! They do imaging, see if there’s the kind of injury that requires a procedure, and if not they refer to PT.
To me it sounds like you have no concern about an injury and want to see a podiatrist. You don’t need a referral unless it’s an insurance requirement on your plan (like if you have a HMO plan; if you have a PPO you can just schedule with podiatry unless for some reason the podiatrist’s office only sees referred patients, which I think is unlikely).
Good point – I mean I am not a doctor so maybe an orthopedist is the best first step to exclude obvious injuries.
I wouldn’t worry! Since it’s feet, the podiatrist can assess too though (they can do imaging if they think it’s needed). I haven’t seen an orthopedist for foot issues, but I’ve seen jokes about how readily they defer to podiatry if they aren’t themselves foot & ankle specialists.
Yeah I went to a podiatrist when I was having foot problems that had me hobbling around ( not an injury) and he did an x-ray just to see what was going on, told me to see if off the shelf inserts would help, if not he gave me a prescription for custom, but the biggest help was he told me to get zero drop sneakers (I’ve got Altras) with a lot of cushioning. The best shoes for me are flat with a lot of cushioning. My problem is that there is no more fat under the balls of my feet, which happens as you age and also if you wore heels for decades (so don’t!). I didn’t need a referral, just consulted with my GP first who recommended a podiatrist.
Sleeping in a night brace was the thing that fixed it for me.
can I ask what kind of brace? Thank you in advance!
I am not the prior Anon, but I use a Koprez plantar fasciitis foot sleeve at night. It has made a world of a difference.
My podiatrist gave it to me, but it looked something like this one on Amazon, the Velifit Plantar Fasciitis Splint Support
I use a compression sleeve on my foot/ankle at night, and it has made a huge difference. Also, I highly recommend the Vibit roller.
Do circles with your feet/ankles before getting up from bed and before standing up from sitting. Or write the whole alphabet in the air with your feet. This is what helped me the most. This and massage with a bumpy ball (don’t know how to describe it better). I went to a regular bone doctor (traumatologist) that just sent me to an orthopedist to get insoles. But I am in Europe, not the US.
+1 to being well stretched before you get out of bed and before you stand up. I also made sure to really stretch my calves and hamstrings.
And also +1 to writing the alphabet (foot exercise and flexibility) and the bumpy ball. I loved that bumpy ball and would even travel with it. Beautiful for loosening up painful, tired feet.
Insoles with arch support in EVERYTHING, even slippers. No floppy or flimsy shoes or sandals. NEVER barefoot in the house.
Even with all this, I dealt with pain off and on for a few years, not merely a few weeks. It’s now been years since I’ve really had a bout, but I’ve permanently changed what kind of shoes I’ll buy.
I think plantar fasciitis can be slow to heal. Of course you should see a doctor if you want, but here’s a few tips that helped me (didn’t see a doctor but healed at home over several months).
Try watching the relevant Bob and Brad physical therapist videos on YouTube. And add massage and stretching first thing in the morning before you get out of bed. Also try a massage roller ball for your feet throughout the day.
Bob & Brad are great! Their videos really helped me with some hip pain.
Does your community have a brick-and-mortar running store? Specialty stores for runners often have very knowledgeable sales staff. In my community, people with all kinds of foot problems go to the brick-and-mortar running store because the store has actual good sales staff and a wide variety of supportive shoes. You could start there and talk through your problems. Maybe get some shoes or other supplies. And maybe the sales staff will have good lists of doctors/PTs.
I tried everything and nothing worked until I got ART (active release technique) and dry needling on my calves (that was where the issue was coming from).
Active release (by whatever name) is miraculous to me. It helps so much and so quickly, and the results last for so long.
I found these insoles on Amazon that are basically like nylons, but they have a gel arch support, so you wear this little loopy nylon with an arch support to bed. It helps. Also…hear me out–the two other things that made a difference (besides rest/less walking) were a foot massager and going on HRT. I had a PF episode last year that went on for months and it abated IMMEDIATELY when I went on estrogen. And then I put two and two together–the last time I had horrible PF was when I went off birth control in my late thirties. I tried to talk to my doc about this, and he said it made sense (estrogen lubricates things!), but that there were not studies on it.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I struggle with the morning stretching tbh because my wakeup time is super early due to my kids’ schedules. But will try to do better.
I already have a bumpy ball (bought a whole set of different shapes at ALDI, including “sausages”) and roll my foot on it while sitting at my desk.
I actually sent my PCP a note through their portal and the referral to ortho is in – I think excluding a stress fracture, for example, is worth it. And I already met my deductible this year due to some ER visits (thanks, kiddo!), so now would actually be great to
I will be saving this thread for all the gadgets recommended.
Seems it’s a common problem, and I’m grateful for this hive’s wisdom.
I’ll probably need more patience. It’s really impacting my exercise habits for the last 6 weeks or so.
I’ve had problems with plantar fasciitis for over 40 years (I’m old). Stretching plus custom insoles keeps it under control. But, one time I fell and had a lot of pain, the podiatrist assumed that the pain was due to a sprained ankle (which I definitely had) and missed a stress fracture – which was barely visible on the x-ray. So be alert to the possibility of multiple issues.
How are your offices handling raises, promotions, etc for people who were hired to do one thing and now they’re using AI to do that thing for them (with poor to mixed results)? The person I have in mind at my office was hired for his quantitative skills but they are not being used AT ALL now – he just lets ChatGPT do everything and will only QA under duress. Others at my office and I are starting to feel the unfairness – the quant people have always gotten a salary premium but they’re the first to use AI for everything. He’s literally getting paid for work he himself isn’t doing. What are you seeing?
I’m seeing AI decimate jobs and be an excuse for understaffing. It is not freeing up time for creative or enjoyable work. Begrudging raises for those vulnerable to job loss through no fault of their own, especially in a time with cost of living not keeping up is the least of my concerns.
Also, what are they supposed to do? Where I work everyone is expected to use AI. You can’t win either way.
People aren’t supposed to blindly dump prompts into ChatGPT and send the results to their team.
Lol
you’re expected to use AI where it makes sense to improve your efficiency. Focus on sloppy work, not whether it’s the person’s brain or the person’s AI QA that’s the source of the problem.
Agree. You are mad he’s doing his work with less of his brain. That’s the idea—to work smarter and not harder. If his work is sloppy, that’s a separate complaint. But he’s probably still learning how to work with the technology, too.
The problem (and our company president agrees – or is at least troubled) is that he’s using almost none of his brain and the results still look so slick on the surface that it’s hard for anyone else to verify it either. He’s certainly not working harder and also not working smarter – so why is he being paid so much? Should he not get promoted this year? What about a typical annual raise? Would you promote someone in this position if (pre-AI) they used to get merit raises every time they came around?
I think it’s on the company to evaluate whether or not this is a necessary position tbh. He should be finding ways to make himself more valuable to the company, not highlighting how replaceable he is by AI.
But someone *can* validate his work (otherwise you wouldn’t have an opinion on how much or how little of his brain he’s using). Is it good work?
And the second question is, how does the quality of his work compare to market value? Could you hire someone to do equal or better quality work at a lower salary? “Using AI” for quantitative analysis could be everything from “dumps stuff unquestioningly into chatgpt” that anyone could do (and no one should do, that’s a terrible strategy and you’ll see poor quality work); to setups that take significant experience and expertise to manage well (you need to pay for an experienced expert to do it)
You seem caught up in treating this as a moral question (is his work “hard enough” to justify the salary), but it’s really a market question.
Anecdata—you said what I struggled to articulate—it’s weird that this is being treated as a moral question.
Expected by whom?
I’m honestly curious: what have you used AI to do well?
I don’t personally use it. My job entails a lot of writing and strategic thinking and I don’t find AI useful or helpful. I also have significant environmental and social concerns about it.
My work also almost entirely involves writing and strategic thinking. While I am far from over enthusiastic about AI, it can be very helpful for suggesting outlines, abstracts, summaries, briefing points, talking points, and reworking Original Content Piece 1 into Content Piece 2.
If you work in corporate America, to deny that is to be very intentionally resisting AI…potentially at the detriment to your productivity and career security.
I find it really helpful for emails to people who care a lot about hierarchy and respect. It writes the fluff that used to nauseate me
Yes, I’m always asking it to make my draft smoother and to do respectful intros.
This!
This is the only thing I’ve found it genuinely useful for…and it’s an absolute game changer as this stuff previously took me a very long time to try to get right, with mixed results.
If it kills my need to spend hours on email, that’s a huge win!
Helping to get a draft of a job description started for new positions
Combining slide decks, identifying ambiguous statements, grouping things into categories. Stuff that doesn’t require a ton of intellectual work but is tedious and time consuming. I’m an academic so I don’t have someone to check my work for me, it’s all on me and I’m not super detail oriented.
Some specific examples: I run a group within a big conference, and we get proposals and have to sort them into panels. It used to take me a few hours, and AI can do it in 3 minutes, with the same results. I need to do a lecture on something I’ve taught before – but the remit has changed – I upload all my slides and have it pull all the material into a logical order, remove duplication, identify where updates are required. Again, not thinking for me, but saving me time. Localisation – I wrote an article about a quite wonky bit of UK institutional processes, and said “If you were a non-UK reader, well-versed in X, Y, Z but unfamiliar with the UK system, what terms and concepts are unfamiliar to you?”.
Well or expected to use? Ad copy, landing pages, social, chart development from excel data, data analysis, interview question assists, article assists, report assists, repetitive requests, business proposal assists, data trend flagging, resizing photos, image development, writing repetitive copy (like directory descriptions), event programming development assistance and those are just things top of mind. I hate it and I’m still working past 10 pm most nights with charges to be more productive while we’re understaffed.
My job involves occasionally writing code and working with linux systems. I can do it, but I’m not very efficient. AI is much faster than I am. Caveat that I don’t need to produce anything terribly complicated or have it run very efficiently. Five years ago I would have googled and sifted through 3-4 webpages to learn, for example, how to implement a cronjob (a timed job on a linux system). AI can walk me through doing that.
I have used it to build tools and processes that enabled me to synthesize data quickly based on parameters I defined. I would have had to go through it manually before when AI can quickly eliminate the easily dismissed outliers I don’t have to actually read first. The data is still there, it doesn’t eliminate it. But it triages and tells me these were all unqualified based on the criteria I created.
Even on the writing front, that people have attached moral superiority to for some reason, AI can help people start a draft or point out gaps in their argument. A lot of people think they’re great or good writers and they aren’t because the point they’re trying to convey is buried in layers of unnecessary text.
“A lot of people think they’re great or good writers and they aren’t because the point they’re trying to convey is buried in layers of unnecessary text.”
It’s funny you would make this point in favor of AI when most people, even the most hardcore AI stans, would admit that the terrible bloat is one of the worst hallmarks of AI writing.
You can prompt it dofferently.
Yes, you have to use different prompts.
Someone recently used AI to put all of the redlines for a document into a table. It saved hours of tedious and pointless work.
This is how I use it, too. Analyze differences between two document versions, and provide a suggestion on final phrasing.
Please always check this. It’s not always accurate
Email drafting based on internal strategy documents. Drafting summaries of meetings, documents, or other material for an executive audience vs. expert teams.
That being said, I proofread everything and adjust the tone so that it does sound like me, not some verbose bot.
I’ve used it to structure an argument for administrative letters (e.g. to the school, bank, insurance etc), putting the braindumb of arguments into a reasonable order so that it makes sense.
Project planning, asking for an outline and certain aspects/risks that I should consider addressing. This includes telling my AI assistant to act like the most sceptical stakeholder of function X, and asking me questions so that I can prepare the meeting and anticipate the tough questions.
If someone’s results are poor to mixed, does it matter how they got there?
I think it does – our company president herself said to this employee “if ChatGPT is doing everything for you, what’s your value add to the company?” It’s a good question. Why should he get paid $180K for pressing “run”?
To me that is a question about good results achieved via ChatGPT, not poor to mixed results.
Does your president have enough skills to just press “Run”? If yes, he should do it. Otherwise he’s just being b i tchy.
I’m confused, if the president thinks this guy isn’t valuable, then he’s probably not going to have a job soon?
I also don’t understand why AI is relevant here, either the person is valuable to the company or not. Same as you. Run your own race you’ll get better results.
Yep, MYOB- run your own race
OP here with more context: we’re a small company with some typical small company dysfunction (I’ll spare you the novel). Summarizing at a high level, our president has typically rewarded programmers and people with quantitative skills more than is really justified – it’s been a source of contention within the company for a long time. The programmers typically stay in their lane, while the researchers with the broad skills are the ones writing new proposals and winning the company new work. The person in question, “Tom,” gets paid a lot more with his BA and his basic programming skills than staff who are objectively making the company more money by winning new work and impressing clients. For a long time, the rest of us made our grudging peace with this because of the other benefits we derive from this company. In addition, Tom makes a lot of money *for us* but not a lot compared to, say, a Meta employee – we can’t compete with those salaries, so in a way, we were glad to get him for what he’s paid.
However, AI has now shifted the balance in a way that is negatively affecting morale. Before, Tom got all this money for fairly basic programming ability despite never lifting a finger to help write proposals or win new work – now he has ChatGPT doing it for him, still never lifts a finger to win new work, and his ChatGPT practices and output are poor and causing more work for everyone else. He’s been here 15 years and was previously a solid, if not superstar, performer, so he’s still coasting on that reputation to some extent – but people are noticing how bad his work is all of a sudden and how pushy he’s being about not wanting to engage in manual quality assurance or team discussion about the results. It’s become clear that he’s getting paid excessively for the real work he’s doing for the company, while others who are putting in the not-so-easily-replaced client work are underpaid.
Are you actually involved in this – are you Tom’s manager, or involved in setting salary bands or something?
I direct two projects where Tom is a contributor (I’m responsible for the quality of our work and the success of each contract). I’m not his manager. However, his manager, our company president, and three different coworkers have raised similar concerns about him and it’s only a matter of time before something changes. I can see I’m not getting much traction here, but I can assure you that the salary band tensions are coming to a head in a way that I didn’t see pre-AI.
It just feels like you’re trying to make this about AI. Maybe Tom started abusing drugs and now is using AI as an excuse to distract attention from his real issue. I don’t know. I don’t think you know either. The issue is the poor performance; does it really matter what caused it or what his excuses are?
It DOES matter that he’s doing poorly with his AI usage but I’m not going to argue with you about it. You don’t have to trust what I’m reporting or believe what I’m saying. I’ll just deal with it on my own and with the other colleagues who share my concerns.
It seems like you don’t like Tom. Which is fine. The whole AI focus is super strange here.
I’m not debating that he’s turning in poor quality work that was really done by AI! I just don’t know why it matters. If he turned in poor quality work that he did himself painstakingly, is that better somehow?
I also know people who used to be competent who offload everything to AI and don’t check the results, so I have no reason to doubt your story. But unless you’re hoping to fire AI and keep Tom (???), the issue is still with the quality of the results and the employee’s choice to stand by them.
Poor-quality work produced by AI takes longer for everyone else to fact-check. It’s hard to recognize hallucinations and it takes 10x longer for Tom to explain what went wrong when he didn’t do the work himself. There are new inefficiencies in almost every process, and the director-level staff have expressed frustrations with the decrease in quality in first drafts in particular. Clients on three separate projects have expressed concerns (not Tom-specific) about how AI is used and disclosed in our field; some of the prohibitions and restrictions our top client is planning will directly conflict with current use at our company and Tom (and others) do not appear to be ready for that.
Also, we were supposed to sub to another company on a proposal and that company used AI to draft the entire thing – then the day before it was due, the in-person reviewer realized it was hot garbage and pulled the plug, far too late for us to find another partner. Another poster mentioned a similar scenario last week and I’m actually wondering whether it was her company that did this to us.
What is the result you want, OP? For him to stop using AI altogether? For his work product to improve, with or without AI? On the projects you lead, can you not tell him you need a better quality output? I think if you focus on the deliverable versus the means you might get better traction.
I’m in law, and AI is inevitable. I think of it like a different tool like Lexis was/ is in replacing thumbing through books. Some people harness it well, some do not. At the end of the day, what matters is the end result. If your company is not happy with that with Tom, that is the issue to raise.
I want him to stop fighting me (and everyone else) when we insist that he needs to check the work himself. If he’s going to use it, he needs to ensure the quality. He’s not doing that, not disclosing when he’s using it and how, and gets pissy when anyone asks him to “waste his time” checking it. If it were up to me, I probably would have fired him already (or at least put him on a PIP) because of the sheer degree of bad attitude and unwillingness to change.
Given that, OP, I’d probably focus less on how he got there – who cares what he used AI for and didn’t. His work product and attitude are unacceptable, regardless of whether he used his own feeble mind or Claude’s.
I guess, but he used to be pleasant to work with. He changed overnight. I always thought he was overpaid but at least working with him was never a battle before.
Ok so this isn’t an AI issue it’s a Tom quality of work issue and making it about AI is muddling the issue. You need Tom to produce work he can stand behind. This would be like raging against spell check because an employee automatically took every suggestion for spell check. The issue isn’t the tool itself it’s that the person wielding it is doing so incredibly irresponsibly. Focus more on what you need from the person in Toms role not so much about how he is producing his work. The output is what matters here
AI seems like a red herring here.
If you think you are underpaid, go get market data to support that and make your case. Or go find another job.
Whether Tom is using AI or not doesn’t really have anything to do with anything here. If the company needs a Tom and has to pay x to get a Tom, that’s a market reality. If AI really can do all of Toms job then in theory the company could replace Tom with someone paid less.
I agree with posters above where you are weirdly turning this into a moral issue when there isn’t one.
You could also learn to do Toms job and get paid to use AI. I suspect there’s more to Toms job that would make that difficult for you to do though
It’s either this, or Tom is the red herring, and the issue is more with AI reducing efficiency, reducing quality, and going afoul of agreements with clients, as in the last comment from OP. But paying Tom less (or whatever) isn’t going to fix that bigger issue.
If Al is negatively impacting your company so much, create a policy against using it? Then if Tom uses it he has violated company policy.
A policy is in progress. The issue got forced by a contractual requirement in addition to the problems people are having with Tom. Our president isn’t happy with his situation either.
When used well, AI plus human can equal faster, better work. Of course, it matters how you use it, what you use it for, and how you check everything and revise the output. But I wouldn’t dump on Tom just because he uses AI. Also, you don’t really know yet whether he no longer deserves a high salary. If you hire someone else with less knowledge at a lower salary and expect them to use AI for the same tasks, what happens when there is a problem? Will they be able to solve it, or will they be in over their head? Just because AI is a tool people use doesn’t mean it replaces an entire role.
I am an editor and copywriter. When GenAI first came out, I was worried my job could be eliminated. That fear has not materialized yet. There are tons of job openings in my field still, and I’ve increased my income substantially. I think you have to be careful about the assumptions you make.
Hugs to the poster yesterday with a rude extended family and in laws who wanted to spend Christmas with her kids. As someone who really disliked Christmas until I had kids bc of difficult relatives, I try so hard to enjoy the holidays now and live it through my kids. Spending the holiday without them would break me, so I totally get what the OP is going through. I hope you can find the best compromise for your situation and enjoy the holiday this year.
Unpopular opinion but moms complain way too much about Christmas while doing way too little to set boundaries or make it manageable. You don’t have to do the elf, the massive family dinner, or anything else. You can “make it magical” for your kids if you want to, or you can skip the entire holiday and go to Tahiti if you want to. I can’t be the only one sick of the annual posts complaining about how much it sucks to do the same thing year after year with little to no mention of exercising any agency whatsoever.
I land here. Yesterday’s post featured an OP who sounded like she was trying really hard with ungrateful family members, and I get how that can be hard. But for most of the posts I read, this stuff is only as difficult as you make it. Figure out what makes Christmas magical for you, elevate those traditions, and put everything off to the side. The holiday is about imparting traditions you value, not checking every box that comes your way.
Totally – it can be hard standing up to family. It’s also hard to not. Pick your poison.
+1. My kids still remember Covid Christmas fondly because it was just our immediate family – no having to wear uncomfortable dress clothes, I only made OUR favorite foods (not the weird green bean casserole the grandparents insist on), we loafed around all day vs. driving a ton, and they got to enjoy their gifts without performing for the extended family or ‘behaving’ at a long formal meal.
Every year since we’ve pared back our celebration to reflect what we truly enjoy, not the festive pagentry that only the elder generation seems to want.
I don’t think this is an unpopular view, it’s just not one that can be stated out loud often as you might expect. I thought the Mom yesterday needs to do a better job of deciding what she wants her life to look like.
+1 – setting boundaries with extended family and starting new traditions we truly enjoyed was hard the first year or so but has been SO much easier and enjoyable. The ‘eat a huge formal meal only the women cook and clean up from while the men get rip roaringly drunk/smoke cigarettes and play cards for hours’ was not anyone’s favorite (aside from the older men, but I truly don’t care what they want as they lifted not one finger).
This, sorry but i keep losing my own good friends who used to swear they will never do this to mommy martyrdom and keeping up with the Joneses. My happiest friend is good about saying no to the elves and all the other nonsense.
Can we acknowledge that disappointment from people you love is really hard? Even if you know their disappointment is unfair to you?
I see all these posts telling women to buck up and have a backbone. Of course that’s easy to do when you don’t care about the feelings of others! But it’s not a character flaw to care about other people.
Again – therapy! Taking on someone else’s disappointment over an unfair or unreasonable request is not something anyone should do. I’m teaching this to my teenagers, surely it’s reasonable to expect grown adults to learn.
You can separate feeling bad about disappointing someone for something you couldn’t control (missed a gathering due to an illness, conflict with work, etc.) vs. beating yourself up for not wanting to cater and hosting a 20 person dinner with nobody else helping. Of COURSE family will try and guilt you – they don’t want to step up and do the work and offloading it on you is much easier.
+1
It is possible to say no!
Can we not bring stuff up the next day? You clearly mean well and this comment is kind but it just restarts the conversation
Nope. I like ongoing conversations.
Me too.
Same here (at least for thoughtful topics like managing family/work/hobbies/relationships).
Nah that OP is committed to being a victim. Any solution or offering was rejected because of some “woe is me” excuse. I’m so glad I don’t know her in real life.
I felt bad for her too. It stinks to try hard and get rude behavior in return.
My life really changed for the better when I gave up trying to please the un-pleaseable and start living for myself and the people who are good to me.
That was me . Thanks.
I don’t do elf on the shelf. I have never hung a single Christmas light outside of my home. There are no special pjs, visits with Santa or broadway shows. I get everything catered. And my husband does 100% of the cleanup.
I’m not trying to be magical. I’m aiming for adequate and have been told that my gifts and home are not good enough. Witty comebacks don’t make that better.
I’ve spent Xmas without my husband and kids because he strongly values his extended family and I know I have a very lonely day ahead of if I can’t manage to host. So yes, it’s 100% my own doing that I’m stressed about it for a good chunk of the year. I fully admit I’m completely unwilling to spend the day alone, divorce my husband or get so much therapy that I become someone who is impervious to valid criticism or doesn’t care that everyone is disappointed with their holiday.
Im not a victim complex or a person who wants to be a victim. I fully acknowledged that I have options to opt out that I am choosing not to take: I can stay home alone, I can tell an 8 year old I see once a year she’s spoiled and rude when she’s disappointed with her gift, I can spend the day extremely uncomfortable at my in laws house. I can talk to my husband about not seeing his family members because I don’t want to host, be alone, or go to his mom’s house. I am choosing to try harder, do better, and I own that.
My main quibble here is the narrative that I’ve created the standard for what an acceptable holiday looks like, made that standard sky high and it’s my fault if I feel pressure. I’m sure there are moms who do that. But there’s plenty of other moms who are stuck managing other people’s expectations. Other people have standards, wishes and traditions that also matter. My husband wants to see his step brothers. My mom wants the kids to open presents. My niece wants a gift that isn’t disappointing. A grumpy old man wants his special drink. The vegans want a vegan meal that feels festive. None of this is unreasonable; it’s just a lot to manage. The very nature of holidays, family and relationships means you have to compromise on these things.
Are you anxious in general? This can all be planned using one day of PTO and would be such a nothing burger to me.
+1
I don’t say this lightly, but your husband is being a turd.
You also get a say—he doesn’t get to just take the kids and go. Start a fight about this—demand to have an at-home Christmas with just you all. If nothing else you can give yourself a break for at least one year.
I think it’s okay that he wants to see his family but I wish he’d shut down the little comments. I guess they’re made when he’s not around.
I wish he would do Christmas at home and then see his extended family on another day, at the house with the cat, and OP can go to a spa.
I think it’s ok—extended family is important, especially for kid memories, but it sounds like OP needs a break and he needs to accommodate that for at least one year.
When I was a kid, we did Christmas at home and never hosted.
But we saw extended family at maternal grandma’s on Christmas Eve. And after doing Christmas at home, we’d stop by my paternal grandma’s on Christmas day. So we still got to see extended family, and if one parent needed to stay home for some reason (like with whatever kid was sick), it wasn’t a big deal since we’d already done Christmas together as a family.
I think my memories are fine.
Since it seems like you are stuck hosting a bunch of ingrates, I think you need to work on not taking their criticism too personally or seriously. Sounds like they will never be happy.
Practically, your husband really, really needs to step up and help. You shouldn’t have to make a list of things to be done, but make a list and assign things to him. You also have to be okay with the thing not getting done if he doesn’t do it. I’d assign him the things that are important to his family (gifts for his family members, procuring iced tea). I would also ask some of your guests to contribute. The vegan can bring the vegan dish, the gluten free person brings the gluten free dish.
Again, you have to be okay with some things not getting done the way you want, but that’s the choice – do it all yourself your way or accept imperfect help.
Agreed – be OK with things not getting done. That’s hard, yes. Sometimes very hard. Choose your hard.
“Choose your hard” is good advice. It is hard to disappoint people you love/whose opinions you care about. It is also hard to do all the things especially when you know they won’t be appreciated anyway. Maybe the better “hard” here, given that they will criticize either way, is to phone it in and accept that they will be mean.
I don’t think it would take nearly as much therapy as you’re thinking to take this from something that clearly feels like an 8/10 for you to something that feels more like a 3/10, and I think even that change would bring you a good dose of peace. I wasn’t involved at all in the discussion yesterday, but I see a lot of stress and hurt in this comment, and I don’t think the goal needs to be no stress or hurt — you can just work towards a little less stress or hurt, and that is eminently achievable in just a couple sessions.
Compromise works both ways. I have made holiday meals for my family for 20+ years. I reached a point where I explicitly said this is the menu and that’s it. I’m not a short order cook. Yes, people don’t get every dish they want. Everyone got over it. Your extended family will too. That is the compromise — you host and prepare food, they don’t get every dish they would like by choosing to eat with you. No one’s life is ruined because they didn’t get green bean casserole one year.
An 8 year old might feel differently about a gift the next year. But your in laws may never validate your house or your meals no matter what you do or how much you compromise. I think the question is what can you change about your expectations if you don’t ever measure up to whatever you perceive their standard for their holidays to be.
“… get so much therapy that I become someone who is impervious to valid criticism or doesn’t care that everyone is disappointed with their holiday.”
1. Their criticism of you isn’t valid!
2. Disappointment is part of life! If they are disappointed they can pitch in. People, at least adults, are responsible for the majority of their own happiness.
You deserve better, and I truly hope you can come around to seeing that.
What home DIY projects have been the biggest bang for your buck? (Buck here can mean literally money, or time, effort, or something else).
For me two stand out: painting the front door and putting translucent film over our bathroom window so we can keep the shade open – it’s soooo much brighter and that light also comes into our bedroom. Wish I had done it ages ago!
Yard work.
At first I was going to say paint and lighting in small spaces, but i see the yard work poster below and now would say getting dead trees removed – by far.
This is regular maintenance, but make sure you replace the flap in your toilet every 3-4 years. When I moved into my apartment, the toilets were running all the time. I asked maintenance to do something about it and they were like “can’t fix it.” My water bill was insane. Finally I googled how to fix it, bought new flaps, and it was fixed in 10 minutes.
More hooks. Two minutes to put up, a lifetime of not trying to hang two coats on one hook.
Hooks everywhere! We even have purse hooks under our kitchen island like a bar!
100% all the hooks! We have long shaker hook peg rails every place it makes sense in our house and they are the best.
DIY things I’ve actually done — changing my lock for an automatic lock, changing my thermostat for a smart thermostat, and turning my yard into a butterfly garden. I don’t really have the patience to do home projects myself.
I painted our bathroom cabinets. House was your classic McMansion tuscan style when it was built, then the prior owners tried to millenial grey it without removing the granite and tile. Repainted everything to warm colors and we are currently sitting at a mid-century-ish vibe.
Installing plug-in undercabinet LED light strips in our kitchen. Thanks to quirky prior remodeling jobs, we have live outlets inside several cabinets and were able to route the plug straight into one of those, so you can’t even spot the cords. The counter used to be permanently in the shadows but now we can actually see what we are doing and it is a pleasant environment instead of a dreary and difficult one.
I’m shopping for these; if you recommend the ones you chose, do you still have the link?
I just measured the space available and picked up a set that fit at my local hardware store. They were cheap, maybe $30 for the whole kitchen? I did get a pack of little screw-in clips so I could keep the cord from sagging down. They turn on with a little rocker switch that we placed under the front corner of the cabinet. It’s so nice.
One tip: put the lights as close to the front of the cabinet as you can. If you place them by the wall, the glow is aimed further back from the countertop work area than is ideal.
Thank you so much for the tips! My house came with some kind of cheap ugly ones that are now burning out, so I’d like to upgrade soon.
Having fun with paint colors. We threw samples on the walls and went a different color for each room. When we need to sell, it will be easy to get it all painted over to whatever neutral is trending.
Soft close toilet seats – don’t know why everyone doesn’t have them!
A bathroom without one is such a jump scare!
Taking the time to measure and put up shelves, hooks, towel bars, hanging rods, etc. in all the places that need them. We don’t have many closed cabinets, so storage space needs to be used very efficiently. Taking a look at the empty space that wasn’t really useable and finding creative ways to turn it functional was a great improvement on how much I enjoy my home. Cost was minimal, satisfaction was maximized. I feel very clever each time I open a door and see how tidy everything looks, and know I can get to my stuff without digging through a whole pile.
Building closet organizers (including learning to cut dovetails + veneering plywood) was a huge project and was absolutely worth it (I have the worlds weirdest shaped closet), but required half a dozen tools and help lifting and carrying.
Also closet: replacing the dinky lightbulb with a cord with a 50$ chandelier.
I’m headed on a business trip to Scotland in April. I’ll be spending time in Edinburgh for work and then my husband and toddler will be joining me to tour around the rest of Scotland. We’ve never been so I am looking at places to stay 2-3 nights in the Highlands or Isle of Skye. Let me know if you have any places you loved that are kid friendly or any other Scotland advice! We’ll have a car and enjoy hiking and trying all kinds of food.
Oh fun! Scotland in general is decently kid friendly. In Edinburgh, the National Museum has a great toddler area. You could definitely kill a few hours there.
Give me a shout if you want a coffee!
We rented a quaint crofter’s cottage at the foot of Ben Nevis for our honeymoon. Very kid friendly – just a basic holiday cottage with basic furniture. Maybe a cottage would work for you too.
Lucky you! Scotland is awesome! Haven’t been out to the Highlands yet, but it’s on the list.
If you go with a kid you have to go to Stirling and visit the castle and take the Harry potter train. Skye is amazing but “only” super beautifull landscapes.
How many days do you have? I pass you our family trip with the kids.
Day 1: Glasgow- Kelpies
day 2: Stirling–Stirling Castle– Hermitage Forest -Dunkeld
Day 3: River Tay River Rafting – Queen’s Lookout- Faskally Enchanted Forest- Pitlochry
Day 4: Highland Folklore Museum- Highlands Wild Life Park- Aviemore -Cairgorm- Glenmore
Day 5: Inverness– Loch Ness
Day 6: Urqhuart Castle- Fort Augustus- Eilean Donan Castle
Day 7: Isle of Skye
Day 8: Glenfinnan Viaduct Harry Potter Train – Ben Nevis
Day 9: Fort William – Glencoe
Day 10: Glencoe Valley – Loch Lomond & Trossachs National Park – Glasgow
We went last summer with a 6 year old for a friend’s wedding, and decided not to go to Isle of Skye because we found some amazing spots that seemed more kid-friendly. My son wasn’t old enough to have read Harry Potter yet, so we will do the train next time! We loved this trip because it was the right mix of nature, history, and activities for us.
Here is our itinerary if helpful:
Day 1-3: Arrived at Ballentrae- Glenapp Castle (hotel)
-Boat ride were we saw all of the birds including puffins, amazing islands, my son found beautiful sea glass; explore the glen, fishing, falconry
Day 4-8: Transfer to Gleneagles hotel (for the wedding)
– This is where the wedding was. My family loved Gleneagles for a stop with kids. My son met so many friends in the kids club, which is very, very nice. He loved driving the trucks, the ropes course, and the ferrets, and the golf lessons (he’d never played before).
Day 9-11: Transfer to Edinburgh
-Stirling Castle, Edinburgh Castle, National Museum, Camera Obscura & World of Illusions (actually very cool), walking tours, etc
Are you wanting to be out west near Skye (which is a trek from Edinburgh), or are you more interested in the Highlands generally/are you open to the central highlands?
Thanks all for the great tips so far! I may have to take you up on the coffee, CB. We are just starting our planning so not sure where in the Highlands we want to stay yet. I’ll take any recommendations for cottages or places to stay.
Make time in Edinburgh to explore Arthur’s Seat. So beautiful and a breathtaking view. Great for kids.
I loved driving Isle of Skye. Portree was a highlight. There are also so many walks, small waterfalls, and glens accessible right off the road.
Wait, is this style jacket in fashion again? I’ve been feeling mildly frumpy over the past year or so when wearing one or two that I’ve had for awhile.
I don’t think it’s stylish. It gives a vibe of a certain type of woman and not in a good way.
…and what “certain type of woman” is that?
You are projecting.
Huh?
It may not be on trend but it’s a perfectly fine business staple.
This is a very odd take on basic, standard piece of business attire.
I think they look nice, generally. It wouldn’t occur to me that it was any more out of fashion than other business formal pieces.
Jo-Lynn Shane has a blog post today about jacket trends.
I wouldn’t say that “currently sold by Ann Taylor” equates with “in fashion again.” It’s a classic style, and if you’re feeling frumpy in it, you might take a look at what kind of trousers, blouse, and shoes you’re wearing with it — if all those items are also classic, you might need to upgrade one or two items in the outfit in order to get a more current feel.
You’re not wrong – the oversized, longer blazer has been more trendy in the last 2-4 years – primarily with pants vs. a dress. Think the Veronica Beard suits.
This style of blazer (imho) still works best over a dress though I’m mainly wearing open chanel style blazers because they are easier to wear with both pants/dresses. This style of blazer with slimmer pants would look dated to my eye – either wear it with wider bottoms or more straight leg jeans. Wearing it over a matching sheath dress would also look slightly dated but fine for courts/very formal days.
Your eye, maybe. My eye would say “that person looks nice today.”
Exactly!
This is not an oversized blazer, though. The costume-ish, baggy, boxy blazers are more in the trendy fashion item realm, but this is just a basic, bland, staple of a blazer.
I actually really like it, but I prefer fitted blazers and have been eagerly waiting for the oversized trend to go away. I think the colour makes it fresh! I have been buying a lot in white and off-white lately.
I just wear fitted blazers and have labeled everyone in the ridiculous oversized blazers as a fashion victim.
Also it’s pretty much impossible to wear an oversized white blazer without looking like a doctor or a lab tech.
Agree. As much as I like the look, any topper in the white family inevitably makes me feel like I belong in a clinic.
a lot of places have tweedy white blazers this season. me & em, l’agence, cinq, favorite daughter.
This is a weird comment. This jacket style has been in fashion for a while now
Where do you get the really nice big yard planters from? I’d love to up my outdoor skills game but what I see at the Home Despot this time of year is very picked over.
Also: what material are the good ones made out of (and how heavy will that be? Even with delivery, I may need helpers)? How do you deal with drainage? I grew up in an apartment, so no one in my family has any idea. Help!
Garden centers usually have a nice selection. I try to avoid very heavy ones because with the dirt and plant, they get heavy.
I’ve done this a couple ways – you can find the items prepared and ready to go, typically in plastic planters, often at a local gardening store. The plastic makes them portable, and can look really nice (not obviously plastic). Home Depot and Costco can have nice ones, but if you have a local garden store in your area you may find more unique items.
I’ve also connected with local people who will create the arrangement in existing, nicer ceramic pots that I have purchased (also from local garden stores).
In both cases, you want the container to have proper drainage or you may end up with a swamp. You also have to water the living plants to keep them alive and looking nice.
In my upper middle class suburb, it’s typically a couple hundred a larger arrangement.
Your local nursery will be able to help you with this, especially if you’re shopping outside of peak planting times! I am always shocked by how willing they are to educate me on even the dumbest questions. Expect to pay maybe 10-15% more than HD, but it’s worth it IME.
Weight =/= quality. Some of the priciest planters will be the faux concrete. Depending on the size and look you’re going for, discounters like Ollie’s can have a great selection.
Buying all the plants and soil can be expensive and time consuming, so like another poster, I often buy the pre-planted planters at HD/Lowe’s. They’re often out front for $40 or so.
Try FB Marketplace for your area. I see a lot of free or really cheap ones in mine.
I have two that live on my front porch year round. I got them at a home goods/marshalls. They’re some kind of plaster and were like $40 ea, which imho is expensive. They’ve held up fine for a couple of years.
Over the years I’ve had planters in plastic, plaster, concrete, terracotta, and probably some others I can’t remember. You cannot tell the difference in quality from the street. Unless you’re going to spend time sitting right next to it, go with the lightest material in a style you like. By the time you put rocks and sand and soil in the bottom, it’s going to be heavy.
Costco/Sam’s carry a variety in early spring. I think that’s where I got mine from. They’re some kind of foam/plastic that looks like stone so they’re not as heavy. But once they’re filled with dirt, they ARE heavy.
Greenhouses in my area stock these. Really large ones are usually plastic that look like nicer materials, not only for cost & weight savings, but also because the plastic will survive freeze & thaw cycles throughout the winter without cracking, as long as you empty the planter before it gets too cold. Plastic containers, even if very large, are usually not so heavy that you need a second person to help carry them as long as they are empty.
If they don’t have drainage, use a drill with a big bit to make holes in the base before you add anything to it. Drill from the bottom with the container upside down.
If you are just planting annuals or something similar that doesn’t need deep root space, fill the lower half with something bulky, like rocks, logs, bricks, upside down empty nursery pots, etc., so you don’t spend a fortune on fancy potting soil that the plants can’t use. If you plan to put trees or perennials in them, ask for tips at your local garden center. They can help make sure whatever you select can handle the colder exposure over winter in the pot compared to being in the ground, and can give you advice on how to winterize it, when to prep it for spring, how and when to fertilize it, and what size container you need.
Does anyone have a recommendation for a wellness type retreat or vacation destination that’s not terribly expensive? I’ve been overly stressed lately and need a break but am too high strung to just sit by a pool all week. I need something a little more active or distracting to try to release this stress.
I don’t think these exist unless they are cult-adjacent.
Just because you aren’t aware of them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
OP, what’s your budget and what part of the country are you in?
YMMV on cult, but there are major world religions who have cheaper “take a break from the world” retreats for people who don’t want to convert let alone take vows but just want structure and peace.
I’m coming from DC and am aiming for under $3k but could do more if it’s somewhere international. Not looking for a cult, lol, looking for more of a mainstream yoga, hiking, meditation, etc.
Look up Eupepsia in Bland, VA. It’s about a 4 hour drive from DC and seems like what you’re looking for, both activities and budget wise.
Getting here would be a hassle (you’d have to fly in and then rent a car and drive over), but Wild Rice Retreat in Bayfield, WI is excellent and fits that.
Call your local yoga studios and see if they have a yoga retreat for beginners. There is a convent in my city that features silent meditation retreats. That sounds like my nightmare, but a very high strung friend swears by them. I don’t think they are religiously toned. Or you know what, see if you can find a retreat led by a cult. I mean look at reality: how much worse could it be if you joined a cult?
LOL, the idea of just dipping your toes in the cult-water, why not? Made me laugh.
You need to go do a surf camp in Costa Rica or Panama. Active, physically challenging, joyful, adventurous activities do far more for me for wellness than “sit on my @ss at the pool” ever did.
maybe a day at like a k-spa or something?
NOLS has lots of options. Or just go to Phoenix and find a lovely hotel, book some spa treatments, and go on some day hikes and nature walks. Or Tucson. Or Asheville.
We live near Kripalu, but I know people travel to come here!
The Augustian Monastery in Quebec City does exactly this, the pictures are accurate. The decor and setting is gorgeous and my friend says the food is excellent. Tons of wellness activities. https://monastere.ca/en/
Yeah, a friend of mine goes to a monastery in KY for hiking every year. It never would have been on my radar.
I loved my trip to civana in arizona. You can fly into phoenix, and either rent a car or uber. I went with a friend and we split a room, so wasn’t too expensive. We did not do the inclusive option, so we ate some on site and went offsite for other food (we did rent a car). the price includes most of the fitness classes, and they have a really good selection of hikes, yoga, etc.
Does anyone have any advice when you really like the day to day of your life but not the longer term/big picture?
I have a great relationship with my family. I like my job, my friends and social life, my apartment, my hobbies. I’m getting back into a good groove with meal prep and a cleaning/decluttering routine. I’ve achieved some exciting/challenging fitness goals. I have had some fun travel this year.
I have recently gotten a haircut I love (did a big chop!) and upgraded my wardrobe so I’m feeling much better about my appearance. I’m still overweight but I’m starting to accept my current looks (while also still losing weight).
I’m competent, well liked, and have lots of sources of joy in my life. My confidence has taken a huge hit though – this wasn’t a problem previously but man have I been struggling.
But, I’m pretty unhappy with the bigger picture. I’m single, I’m fine financially in my day to day but unsure long term, I’m happy now but will I feel unfulfilled later, is this the job I want to stay in?
I’m actively dating, but haven’t had a ton of luck. I want a partner and kids in the next 5-8 years (I’m early 30s). I’m on the apps every day and I’m often “out and about” and in situations where I have options to meet people (sports leagues, running and hiking groups, book clubs, art classes, going to local festivals, going out to bars, restaurants, alumni meet up groups) . My friends know I’m down to be set up.
It feels like everyone around me is “moving on”: moving to the burbs, buying houses, and having babies. So while I love my friends and my social life there’s been a noticeable change already and I expect the changes to accelerate. I have a few friends who are decidedly childfree, but our interests are diverging a bit too (they’ve become big partiers. I like to go out too, but not on their level).
I live within my means and make decent money, but I just don’t see how anyone can afford a condo, a baby, or other major purchases on one salary in this economy. I’m lucky that I’m able to have a nice life, but it’s because of a LOT of tradeoffs (like I don’t buy any clothing, household item, or furniture new. My groceries and household supplies and toiletries are all Walmart Great Value brand. I’m on a tight budget for socializing. I only read books and access online media via the library. I have 1 streaming platform at a time). I don’t see how I could cut back more to save more for those goals without giving up a lot of the things I enjoy (that I don’t spend much on!). This even means that I don’t think a pet is in the budget at this time.
I have so many interests and passions, so I did a lot of soul searching (and a lot of therapy). While I feel like there’s so much I want to do and so little time to do it, I also determined that I don’t think I’d be 100% fulfilled without a family. However, I also don’t see a viable option to bring a single mom by choice, so please don’t suggest that path.
I’m a federal employee. I used to be in love with my job. I still love the mission, my coworkers and work friends, and a lot about the job. But, of course it’s been a really hard 1.5 years. My job requires a fair amount of travel, which I am normally fine with but I worry it’ll impact my personal life. But, I also know I’ll miss the mission too much if I step away from travel.
Without a biological clock ticking I don’t think I’d be as stressed. But I’d still feel left behind by my friends and peers who are making life moves I so desperately want to make like a strong, loving relationship and a viable path to kids in the nearish future.
I don’t have any constructive advice but hugs. Lots of hugs.
Oh gosh, no advice but SAME. If you figure it out, let me know?
I really commiserate – being single when life is so expensive is HARD. I will never own a house or a car or anything like that without a partner.
I mean. I’m a single mom by choice. Af 43. And I don’t see any reason you can’t be.
She can’t afford a cat.
Sure now. In her early 30s. She doesn’t need to give up on her dreams just yet is all I’m saying. And you don’t need to buy a condo to have a baby
Rent is half my income, and daycare is more than rent.
OP, I’m so sorry you feel like this! I know you don’t want your leave your job, but it sounds like maybe the only thing you haven’t explored is looking at what else might be out there job wise. It doesn’t hurt to look. It doesn’t mean you have to make a change. You might decide the other sacrifices are worth the job you have, and that might make it feel lighter for the time being.
This is what almost every early 30s woman feels so you’re right on track.
I’m also hearing that you’re generally happy now but concerned about maintaining that happiness? babe, that’s life. That’s the fun of it! There are no guarantees- make your own fun, establish your own rules. Happiness is an inside job and a lifelong journey.
Yeah most women in their 30s stress about if/when to have kids, maintaining friendships when many aren’t having kids, and their careers.
But many aren’t also stressing about the struggles of being single too.
Tell us more. How many are single? Why don’t you think people understand the hardships of being single? Why is relationship status more important than career, friends, and family? I want to know it all.
This! I’m 50 and I am so happy with my life. I didn’t feel that way in my early 30’s because I felt like other people were further on the track to adulthood than I was. It’s all relative and it washes out in the end. I’ve friends my age with older kids, younger kids, married without kids, not married, divorced with kids. They all lead interesting lives. But financial stability is pretty key. Good luck!
Your life sounds really good except that friends and peers are starting down desired life paths where you can’t yet follow. This stinks and I’m sorry. Hugs.
You deserve tons of credit for building so many positives into your life, including succeeding at self-assigned challenges. This takes creativity, being open to change, and determination to stick to it. I hope you praise yourself often. You deserve it.
You may have to become more comfortable with life on your own, somewhat different path. This isn’t “embrace the misery:” It’s “find joy where you are” and you’ve already shown yourself you can do it. This internet stranger believes in you. And if you think I’m someone who has it all together, I assure you I do not! Take care. And more hugs, if you want them.
P.S. I’ve probably praised Jennie Young’s book “Burn the Haystack” and her related Burned Haystack Dating Method before. I keep sharing this information because BHDM helps me–beyond the world of dating–to clarify my life values (and how to reduce the time and energy I spend on things that just deplete me).
+1 to Burned Haystack. I’m not in the dating market but I read her socials and it just makes so much sense.
A lot of these concerns seem to come from financial insecurity. I get that it’s so much easier with a partner. But you can guarantee that you’ll find one, then you might be able to become more financially secure on your own.
As a fellow fed, my big question is whether you can move up grades on the GS scale in your current position? How much movement up steps do you have? The GS scale is never going to keep pace with inflation, so your salary will just have a less and less buying power over time unless you can move up
grades. What are your options in the private sector? Is it worth staying in a job you love if it means you don’t get the other things you want in life? Or would you prefer an OK job, but money to pursue those other goals? Only you can make a decision about those trade offs, but I would strongly encourage you to think about it.
* you can NOT guarantee you will find a partner, but can become financially secure on your own
Having been a federal contractor and single, I was only able to buy my house in my late 30s because of first time home buyer programs. I compromised to keep my payment around what rent was at that time. And no, I couldn’t afford new furniture or any of those things at first. It took me until I was equivalent to a gs 12 or 13 before I could do that and not feel like I was struggling.
Setting aside the dating/partner issue, the money issue is really about having enough disposable income to do those things. Often that is with 2 people but it isn’t always. Have you met with a financial planner and/or asked your bank about what you could afford to buy? I never thought I could buy either until I actually asked a bank and found out I could. If that is still outside the realm of possibility, you may need to look at your career and financial trajectory to see if that tradeoff is worth it. If not, how can you change your career going forward?
I am a GS 12 step 3! I have a “good” job!
The absolute cheapest places in a safe-ish neighborhood in my area are $300k. That puts the mortgage higher than I’m comfortable with. Condos are no cheaper plus have fees.
I hate to say this, but I didn’t start feeling financially comfortable until GS-13 (HCOL area). I echo your comments about all housing options being so expensive, but I somewhat regret that I didn’t dive in earlier. As it turns out, I like renting, but it never gets better: prices go up and your tastes will also go up.
If your position allows for grade increases or special allowances, I would say do what it takes to get them. I was more focused on money than some of my friends, and they now regret not putting in the work to get some of the opportunities that I did. It’s not fun and it’s actually very boring at times, but I maxed out my retirement savings and, at eight years into my career, realized I could coast with the good habits I had established. I hope that’s some small consolation, as the habits you have now really will pay off in the long term.
That’s why I suggested the first time homebuyer programs which cap your interest rate and usually give down payment assistance.
I was at $120K before I felt like I could travel, decorate my house, have fun with friends, etc. I did some of those things before, of course, but it was more limited.
I think I have some deep, deep money anxiety. This is truly not a humble brag; this is becoming a problem. Not quite a marriage problem yet but I can see it becoming one..
We are 42, have two little kids, two good jobs. Mine is new-ish and has been a steep learning curve with a couple hiccups but I’m getting there, fwiw. I’m the high earner by 5x or more. We are on track with retirement, with some undefined goal number we want to hit and target age to retire (which could be the crux of my issue, the undefined nature of both). 529s for the kids are in a good spot. We have… I say somewhat sheepishly and honestly a little shamefully… over 350k in cash just sitting in a HYSA. I had a commission only job for a long time and we always kept $200k in there for breathing room, and for a while my interest rate was 5%+ so it wasn’t doing nothing (but could have been making a lot more, I know!!), but I haven’t had that job for a year now. No debt but for our < 50% LTV mortgage and 3% rate. Our biggest expense is a nanny that we’ll have for another 1-2 years while youngest is not yet in kindergarten.
We’d like to buy a boat ($75k). Or maybe renovate a bathroom ($40k). We’d like to update our kitchen ($tbd, but we got conceptual drawings so we could get a ballpark, which I can’t bring myself to do). We don’t need all of these things, but maybe some? Things that would undoubtedly bring us joy. But I just cannottttt pull the trigger. I’m from a solid middle/upper middle class background but I remember my parents fighting about money all the time, which may be part of my issue.
WWYD? How do you overcome something like this? I have a financial advisor that is pretty new to me and I like him a lot. I plan to talk to him about this, see if he can somehow “show me” we’re on track so it’s ok to go spend $75k on a boat that will bring us a whole lot of joy and memories. But is that enough? Or even a good idea?
Part of it is that FIL died young and DH is talking more about wanting to “live” – he feels like his dad never got to enjoy life bc he dropped dead at 54 after a lifetime of working seemingly endlessly without getting to retire. Does this resonate at all? It’s like we work so hard and don’t have a ton to show. Don’t get me wrong – we go on 1 bigger vacation a year, have nice enough cars, a somewhat dated but nice enough house, so it’s not like we enjoy and do nothing. But this pile of cash is growing and I just can’t seem to spend any of it to our benefit. It’s like once I transfer it to this account it isn’t allowed to move out, ever.
I’m sorry this posted before I saw the above. I don’t mean to be tone deaf.
You’re okay, girl. I hope people are nice to you.
Get really, really clear on your numbers. I found it helpful to list each of my expenses line by line and then see what 25x them would be (which is what I decided I needed to retire). But you might do it differently.
Pick ONE thing to do, and commit to doing it this year. (Don’t pick the boat first lol). If I were you, I’d pick the bathroom, because that will give you a sense of your appetite for renovations.
I don’t like a financial advisor for things like this. I think you need to get your hands into the numbers yourself to feel comfortable. A financial advisor is there to advise on things like fund selection/allocation, tax strategy, etc. The bigger question of what you want your retirement to look like is up to you.
If you haven’t, try renting a boat a few times and see if you really like it. Try to test what you’d have to do with a personal boat… drive to the launch, back down a launch, load it back, hose everything off versus paying for a slip at a marina. If you’re in a big boating place, try renting where you just step on the boat and the deck hands do all the maintenance. Why? Because owning boats is so much work and money, unless you are a hobbyist who doesn’t mind the constant maintenance.
I’m a big sailor… but without a boat since my dad sold the family boat a few years ago. I’m very, very, very certain it would bring me immense amounts of joy!
But also…. WHY CAN’T I JUST BUY THE DANG BOAT.
But really, thanks for all of the kindness and practical feedback. I’m working through it, but somehow just typing it out helped a lot. I think step one is defining retirement – age and amount – with the idea that the targets can move, but without setting a target, nothing will ever get spent.
I already track, quite literally, every penny we spend 1x/week so I know where it’s all going. But I’m doing this with no purpose or goal in mind other than to just be…. neurotic.
I also think I have a little job insecurity. I’m due for my first round of feedback since getting this job and my first bonus season is upcoming, so assuming both go as expected, that will be a little external validation. I haven’t had a salary + bonus in 15 years and it’s a new, weird feeling that money is “guaranteed” (nothing is guaranteed, but you know what I mean…).
I do not know anyone who is happy they own a boat other than people who previously worked on a boat in some capacity (navy, commercial fishing).
The only people I know who love their boats never worked on a boat before. They also didn’t have big budgets, but did a lot of DIY and enjoyed the project aspect.
OP if you love boats and have done the maintenance before, then you know what you’re getting into. Why don’t you make it a two year goal and start looking at local marinas/clubs and think about what you want? If it’s sailing, I know a lot of beer can racing clubs take people out for awhile until a boat comes up locally in the group. Invest in something more immediate and smaller this year, and start a savings schedule just for the boat to give yourself permission and a timeline.
Therapy, girl.
I kind of get this although I have a lot less money than you describe, but I feel the same about my brokerage account – once it is there I don’t want to take it out.
If you are just parking money in a HYSA maybe create sub accounts – x% money goes into the “main” account and x% goes into a “fun” discretionary account. If you mentally separate these pockets, maybe it will be easier for you to spend. Maybe do gear a lot of people do with their retirement accounts – don’t look at the fun money account for six months then maybe you’ll be surprised with how much you have to play with?
This is what I do – I have my main emergency fund savings accounts, then a separate one for vacation (and a third one for paying our property tax each year but that’s boring). In the past, I’ve had different accounts for various things. In your case, I’d move money into a “boat” account – not just the purchase price but maintenance, dock/dry dock fees (I don’t know anything about boats so just spitballing here), money into a “kitchen reno” account, whatever else you’re thinking of spending that money on. Maybe even move some money into an account as a holding bay for money you might move into an actual brokerage. See what’s leftover in the main HYSA and sit with that for a while. Do you feel comfortable with that amount/is it a good emergency account for you? If so, give yourself grace and permission to do something just for fun/quality of life even if it’s not the absolute most prudent thing to do financially. My father also died relatively young and it was a comfort to me that he had blown some money on fun things that he really loved instead of holding on to it for a retirement that never came.
I have found the podcast Money for Couples helpful in thinking through these situations. We now have a HHI that exceeds anything I could have ever imagined, but I still struggle with scarcity feelings stemming from childhood. Could you figure out how much cash on hand you would need to meet your basic expenses for a year, keep that in an HYSA and give yourself permission to spend the rest?
I am with your husband on this one. I know way too many people who didn’t make it to retirement (had a rash of acquaintances die in the last few years in their late 30s-mid 40s in the last few years from cancer or heart conditions; that was a wakeup call) or by the time they did retire, had limiting health problems. I’m not saying spend with a YOLO attitude, but it sounds like you’re doing fine and have the cushion to spend it. Spend it on something that will bring you joy. (I say this as someone who bought a horse in my 30s because I had always wanted one and knew by the time I got to retirement, I probably wouldn’t physically be able to ride the way I wanted to). Also, work with a financial planner to define the target age and retirement number and that might give you some comfort that you are really on track and can spend a bit more.
I think you need a therapist to work through some deep-seated money values. Your financial advisor can say, “This is how much a 6 mos emergency fund is, this is how funded kids’ college is, etc.” But a therapist can help you feel more secure, or in control with those numbers.
FWIW you could buy a boat and renovate your bathroom and renovate your kitchen and still have more money saved than most Americans.
this is not a metric to live by. i am not aiming to have more saved than most Americans and I also don’t really like using the metric of ‘most Americans’ to measure just about anything in my life. Comparisons aren’t really helpful. OP – I am like you, except, I am not the big earner, DH is, but we (and I am very very very very grateful for this) have plenty of money. i think for me some of it comes from guilt (since i’m not the high earner, and i feel badly renovating a kitchen when others dont have enough food to eat), and some of it comes from the ‘what ifs.’ my mom got sick at one point and my parents were flying every other week, paying for ubers, staying in hotels, etc. to be part of a clinical trial. none of that is covered by insurance. but they were in a financial position to afford it and affording it had no implication on other things they could afford in their lives. we want to send our kids to sleepaway camp for a month bc where we live this is a common thing people do and this is insanely expensive, like will be $20k per year. and DH made me sit down and look at the numbers last week to show me that we can continue to save at our current rate and pay for sleepaway camp. doing the big house renovation i’ve started looking into might be $300-500k, but we are also likely to have enough cash for that or can liquidate some investments depending on timing and when DH’s carry gets paid out. We are very, very, very lucky that most of this should not have much long-term bearing on our lives. rather than worry about a ‘rainy day,’ I worry about ‘years of hurricanes,’ but a lot of this is my anxiety talking. and even though i know it’s my anxiety, it is still hard to actually go forth with some of these things. so OP, I can relate.
I can totally relate, though I’m much much less wealthy than you. I’ve worked to overcome my fear of spending money by tracking the spending closely and telling myself that how I spend money is reflective of my values. I value stability and having a backup, so I still keep plenty liquid in a hysa, but I also can see that I need to demonstrate my other values. Having it tracked makes it easy for me to see that saving $2000 a month for retirement or just in case and spending almost nothing on family activities is not actually reflective of what I value, and makes it easier for me to take the plunge to spend on a trip or bigger toy (like a boat).
I have had very big money anxiety in my life, but it has gotten better as I have actually spent the money I was worried about (in your example, the boat or bathroom) and then seeing that things are fine after that!
I am here to tell you from the viewpoint of a 60-something year old that my one big dying regret will be that I wish I worried less about money over the years because it always turns out okay, especially for a financially conservative person (I am and it looks like you are).
The best thing I ever did was work with my financial planner to align my spending with my values. Even with little money, putting money to things I valued instead of things like eating out for convenience made a big difference to me.
Your husband is having a predictable response to a trauma. I know adults in similar situations and really the issue was parents always saving and never enjoying their life before dying shortly after retirement. You should decide what number you feel comfortable spending and whether all of those things you mentioned are things you value. It isn’t just about having money to spend if for instance you don’t actually want to own a boat.
I strongly disagree with those saying you need therapy for this. Instead, in my opinion, you’re asking important questions about money and how you should put it toward your life and your family.
Ultimately, only you can decide what you want to spend your hard-earned money on. Saving money towards retirement, spending on a splurge, somewhere in the middle? It’s totally up to you and nobody can answer that for you. The common adage around here is “you can have anything, but not everything.”
Beware of financial advisors that charge based on assets under management rather than an hourly fee. The former will cost you hundreds of thousands by the end of your life.
I’m in almost the exact situation as your husband- my parents died early and my husband grew up poor, and have had the exact same fight from the other side. At some point you’ll need to pick a retirement age and how much money you’ll need. Then you can work backwards.
For my husband, saving up money for something feels different than taking money out of savings for something- you may want to consider diverting X dollars per month to a fun budget accont if taking money out of your HYSA is a thing that feels wrong.
i’ve always heard that there are two happiest days of a boat owner’s life: the day they buy it, and the day they sell it. don’t buy a boat!
start by putting 10k a week into the market. index fund. you can take it out again to go on a vacation or do a reno, but you’re losing money in the HYSA.
agree with the others get really clear on what an ideal life looks like to you. for me this is spending a lot on travel to see the big bucket list trips while my kids are still teens — i’d prefer that over a new bathroom, but that’s me.
which index fund
if you’re vanguard, i’d just do VTI or VOO (ETF index funds)
Schwab = SWPPX
Fidelity – FZROX
Am I too late for this discussion? I’m looking to see if any readers here have “unconventional” marriages.
Our couples therapist keeps bringing up the idea that WE are in charge of our marriage and WE get to decide what it looks like. (Right now we are in counseling because I am not sure if I want to remain married. My spouse is confident he *does* want to remain married.)
If you have any unconventional elements of your marriage — from minor (we don’t sleep in the same bed every night) to pretty major (we both sleep around, or we live on different coasts half the year), would you mind sharing?
Why don’t you wanna stay married? we can tell you about how our marriage is may not meet the traditional stereotype, but I don’t see how that helps you. What matters is what you don’t like about your marriage and how you can make it better.
i just read something Ina Garten shared about this, perhaps look it up
I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but I’ll bite. In my previous marriage my then-husband worked out of town for weeks and months on end, leaving me home alone with my preteen-and-then-teen child. We talked on the phone almost every day and would do things like watch a movie or a football game together in our separate places while talking on the phone. There were no issues of infidelity on either side, largely because both of us worked very long hours and our time was pretty much always accounted for.
Strangely, it worked well for a long time (more than a decade). Only problem was he was pretty awful when he was at home, and when he started working in town the majority of the time, that was when things fell apart.
Honestly I don’t think any of this is helpful to you, so I will give you my personal take on how to decide whether to stay married: I think relationships should be evaluated based not on the best parts (because even the worst relationships have some bright spots, right?), but on the worst parts. If the worst parts of your marriage (whatever that is) make you want to call it quits, then call it quits.
All of the examples you’re listing are ways in which couples are less connected. I wonder if that being your list of examples is a sign that you want to lean out.
I can think of ways we’re unconventional, but they start from yes anding each other into things that make sense to us but might not to outsiders. And we are yes anding on those topics because we are deeply aligned on them, to the point that the question is just how far we as a unit want to take our weird. It’s not a question of whether the weird is valid or not anymore.
My parents had an unconventional marriage in that my dad worked/lived out of town most of the time and they were married for 60 years. We still went on family vacations and holidays together but they only lived in the same house full time again after he retired.
We do – on the “pretty major” end of your spectrum, but I won’t get into the details here for fear of pile-on (we also don’t combine finances which is enough of a hot topic around here!). But I will say that we desperately, sincerely, eagerly want to be married to each other. And for that reason we accept each other whole heartedly which sometimes means doing things unconventionally (another way to say this is that we do things in alignment with our own personal and shared values, which may be different than what other people value). If something outside of the ordinary is missing from your life or feels in the way of fully enjoying your marriage, then give it a go – but it’s not a panacea for something that’s otherwise not working.
According to my mother, the fact that my spouse and I have a “partnership” marriage where we view each other as equals is quite unconventional, scandalous, even.
Well, my marriage is unconventional in that I sleep and have all my things in a guest suite in our house. But I am biding my time until I can get a divorce, so I wouldn’t take this as a suggestion!
My husband and I don’t sleep in the same room because he snores and I’m a light sleeper. I take my kids to church every Sunday, and he rarely comes (more of a Christmas and Easter kind of attendance). I think you have to come to a place of acceptance in marriage instead of trying to change the other person, and these “unconventional” aspects of our marriage reflect that dynamic. Good luck to you with your marriage. It can be hard.
My husband and I sleep in separate rooms (he snores. very, very loudly) and don’t really have combined finances. I spend a lot of weekends out of town for a hobby without him. We separately go to our respective parents’ for major holidays. We don’t have/don’t want kids. People find a lot of this odd, but it works for us.
We are both really independent people not easily swayed by family messages about how we are supposed to do things. We view ourselves as a team, and had been aligned on making our own decisions on major life issues.
I feel like my marriage is conventional to the liberals and unconventional to the trads. On the traditional side: combined finances, monogamous, have kids where I (woman) am the primary parent. I handle the cooking and grocery shopping. On the unconventional side: we spend about 60-70% of the time living apart because of his work travel. (I actually live in the same house as my sister and bil, so I spend more time with them) I make more money than he does. He keeps track of and executes almost all home cleaning tasks that don’t need to occur daily and when he is home he handles most of the daily grind tasks. My hobbies are the “get out of the house for extended periods of time” hobbies while he has the “at home and easy to interrupt so you can still be watching the kids while you do it” hobbies.
I really am a big fan of “you get to decide what’s working for you in a relationship” and working to make sure no societal expectations are getting in the way of your happiness. If your spouse really just wants a “classic wife” and you do not want to be a classic wife, bail. But otherwise I think there’s a lot of value in having a partner in figuring out what makes you happy/fulfilled at different stages and supporting each other in that. Certainly the financial benefits alone are worth it if he’s not actively sabotaging your happiness (intentionally or not).