Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Sleeveless Sheath Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A basic black sheath is never going to be the most exciting item in your closet, but it might be the thing that comes in handy when you need it the most. A lot of workplaces have been heading in a more casual direction these days, but I still run into situations where I need to dress up, and they always seem to happen at the last minute.
A black dress and a non-matching blazer is my go-to for almost all of those occasions. It requires very little thought, works for all seasons (just add tights), and is always appropriate.
This dress from Calvin Klein is a perfect item to have on hand for those last-minute “dress-up” occasions.
The dress is $39.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes 2-14.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
Purging time:
Men’s M and XL shirts in great condition with words on them: Goodwill or trash?
Metal tins of various larger sizes. Why do women in my family collect them? So many Rubbermaid tubs full of various tins. Goodwill, trash, or do these things get recycled?
Great condition is Goodwill at least around me. People look for stuff like that at Goodwill. I also don’t mind letting them decide what to toss / sell / sell on ebay because it’s some weird collector thing and they happen to know that.
Same. My goodwill takes everything
Metal tins are recyclable, but not necessarily through your city’s weekly pick up. Just google what they take and it should tell you. Most cities have a waste disposal and recycling web page that will tell you what to do with any kind of waste. There are a lot of things that you can’t recycle through the regular pick up, but you can bring to the city site for recycling or hazardous waste disposal or composting, or they do separate pick ups for bulky items like mattresses. In all the cities I’ve lived in, in three different states, this has all been free, even for electronic and hazardous waste, but some places probably charge. I’d take the shirts to Goodwill.
I would Goodwill all of that.
same. As a thrift store shopper, I see this type of stuff, which means people buy it. Assuming everything is in good (not perfect) condition.
Save the big Rubbermaid plastic bin. You may need it or someone you know will. If you want to give it away that’s fine but wait till the end of the process
Goodwill for all of that. Never underestimate what other people can find a use for! Local art teachers love Rubbermaid containers for the classroom and they are $$$ new.
Goodwill or reach out to the local elementary school. Teachers may want to take the tins for classroom supply storage/art projects.
Yeah, I’d do freecycle for weird stuff like that. Or the scrap metal at the recycling centre.
yep all of that to goodwill. the shirts with words on them some gen z will probably find and love. My teen nieces wear the most random t-shirts that they get from thrift stores….like shirts from different random high school sports teams that they have no connection to.
Goodwill keeps stuff like this out of landfills. Even if they can’t sell it in their stores, they bale clothes for resale and recycling.
LOL they dump it in Ghana where it will inevitably end up in a landfill that catches on fire. People think donating to thriftstores is going to some how solve and absolve them of their overconsumption, but it’s just dumping the consequences onto somebody else.
Highly recommend the book Secondhand bh Adam Minter for a great study of what actually happens with second hand goods, including donations to Goodwill. Spoiler: not all the pictures of dumping are correct.
Wholly agree on avoiding overconsumption, though,
A relative manages a good will, so I’m pretty intimately familiar with how people just dump stuff at thrift stores to absolve their guilt. We need to stop over consuming. There are enough clothes to last everyone 70 years without making anything new. Consumerism is killing the planet.
I’d go for a neighborhood Buy Nothing group if you can, for both. Otherwise I default to Goodwill. I know people say not to bring “trash” to Goodwill which I of course agree with, but it sounds like you’re on the fence of whether this is trash, so let them decide.
Same, buy nothing comes instantly and saves an errand.
Those tins will be a treasure trove for a crafter or baker. Put them up for free on whatever local thing you use or donate.
Yes lots and lots of people love the tins.
Posted late yesterday, thanks for those who responded.
Curious how or if others in large firms address this. I’ve been tapped for a couple of cases with rates that are less than half my rack rate – often insurance related. My realization rate matters for my compensation. I’m a non equity partner, but even some equity partners end up doing work for these matters that are billing ridiculously low rates. To answer yesterday’s questions: these are not repeat clients I work with all the time but this one matter is discounted. These are usually panel assignments, so all matters coming through the partners in question are super low rates.
I guess I don’t understand why the firm keeps these clients and why we can’t say no, my rate is 3x what your client will pay, so find another lawyer. I especially don’t understand why, if we can’t say no, we nevertheless get penalized for being a team player. Other than just being “too busy” for this work, is there a way to successfully avoid these matters?
Wow. This is really clueless for someone who is an income partner.
Yes. Like I’m so sorry but what? You cannot be this passive about your career. The way out is to be busy with full rate work
I said in the original, is there another way to deal with this besides being “too busy”? I don’t know how other firms deal with this, if there’s some policy change I can advocate for in my firm then I’d like to know what it is. I don’t know how crowdsourcing potential solutions makes me clueless, but thanks for your insight I guess.
Talk to your relationship partner re the rate card for this client. Often you can add a new person to it at an attractive rate (rinse and repeat each year). See if an AFA might work. Work smarter.
My firm has litigation like this, but we do other types of work for the client. I view these matters as an opportunity for associates to grow as litigators. I direct what happens, but most of the actual drafting is by the associate on the matter. Each case is not very burdensome for me personally for that reason.
Long term, I am phasing this work out as I grow my own book of business.
Insurance defense (or even coverage) matters will always require below market rates if you’re in a large firm because the market for that work is highly competitive. Tons of firms do it and the work is not that complex. Your firm has little to no negotiating power to change the rates. Why your firm wants to keep these clients is not something we can answer, but unless they are just fools, they’ve made the calculation that it’s worth it even though the rates are lower. And it’s unlikely you’re going to change their minds. Yes, it stinks to be the one who has to deal with it. Your only real options are to use whatever leverage you have (likely none) to negotiate re: how this work factors into your specific compensation, or just be too busy to do it, or to push it off to others. I second the poster who said these cases are good training grounds for associates.
This has been the case at every firm I have been at. Insurance rates are low. Firms keep them because volumes are high and consistent. I just never did insurance work, but my insurance colleagues made less, especially as partners, or capitalized on high volumes.
Insurance defense dockets should be either a training docket for junior associates, or opportunity for you to get board certification/more trial experience. The value of is not in the revenue, but training. The only real solution is to get too busy to handle and/or train up associates to largely be a able to handle on their own.
Or if there is enough work, to hire off-track lawyers paid competitively but not equal to do the work, with gaps in their dockets for full rate work to make the job and the comp appealing.
No advice but commiseration. I’m an income partner at a mid level firm. I do insurance coverage work. Our rates are better than insurance defense rates, but definitely still lower than average rates of other attorneys at my firm in other practices. And my comp is lower as a result. I should have found a different speciality, but the pay gap didn’t exist until I became a partner and by then it seemed too late.
Jewelry people, help me out!
One of my post pandemic goals was looking more put together. I am happy with my hair, nail, makeup, and clothing situation. Now I want to have some classic jewelry to wear the majority of the time, but I know nothing about jewelry. What types of jewelry are classic?
I am a non-equity law firm partner. My style is simple. Neutral clothes, short pink nails, etc.
Stud earrings. Everything else has too much variation to be categorically OK or not.
Diamond stud earrings. Gold necklace about 16-18”, maybe pearls if you have a preppy traditional vibe. Watch like Hermes or Cartier.
pieces that I’ve worn 15-20 years now-
– simple silver cuff bracelet
– pearl studs (both white and black)
– diamond studs (silver tone setting)
– small diamond huggies
– diamonds by the yard necklace
– classic strand of pearls (took a break in the late 2010s but wearing them again now)
stuff I’m glad I stuck with costume-
– dangly earrings
– bold pendants
– dainty layering necklaces
I wear a lot of estate jewelry. I find classic pieces boring and lean toward a mix of estate and modern. I have a few local jewelers I like and a lot of inherited pieces too. I’d start by looking in stores and trying things on, jewelry is personal and one way to really have a signature style, especially if the rest of your look is plain.
Same. My clothes are relatively plain but fit nicely.
My pieces (mostly earrings) tend to be from the victorian/edwardian/art deco eras with a few retro era pieces. I stick to daytime pieces and stones–so jade, coral, whatever, and have pretty blue moonstone studs for evening. I have a thicker 16 inch gold rope chain for every day wear. I have a triple strand of pearls that suit me better than a single strand does. It depends on your personal style.
Small gold or silver hoop earrings – just a touch bigger than huggies – are super versatile.
I wear gold or pave diamond huggie earrings most days because I find studs uncomfortable for sleeping and prefer to keep my earrings in 24/7. When I want to elevate my look slightly, I switch to small diamond leverback earrings. I also frequently wear a small gold cross and occasionally opt for a diamond solitaire necklace. https://tinyurl.com/5n7h2pb8
What colors do you like to wear, and is your coloring warm or cool? I would suggest sticking with either gold or white gold, so all your pieces work together. I like my small pearl studs, small plain hoops, a pearl on a chain, and a small set of Tiffany bean studs,
Earrings:
– Diamond studs
– Pave diamond, gold, or white gold huggie earrings
– Slightly larger hoops
– Pearl studs
Necklaces:
– Diamonds by the yard
– Diamond solitaire pendant
– Silver beads
– Pearls
Bracelets:
– Plain silver or gold cuff
– Sculptural silver cuff
– Heavy link bracelet
Watch:
– Cartier Tank
– Cartier Ballon Bleu
– Omega
The two most essential pieces are the earrings and the watch. Not all styles, shapes, weights, and metal colors work for everyone. I’m a cool-toned gamine, so I stick with silver, white gold, and platinum and gravitate towards delicate necklaces and earrings but bold watches. I look dumpy in pearls or silver beads, which work better on a taller person with stronger bone structure.
What’s a decent watch for $250 or less? I have a 15+ year old Bulova that’s scratched up. I’ve had it cleaned, but the gold plating has worn off.
Sorry to tell you, your budget is too low for a good watch
Agree. My Shinola was $500 and it’s a casual watch. That said, maybe save for a few years to get something you like, or ask for something as a milestone gift. No one “needs” a watch so you can afford to wait.
I have had good success with Seiko, Pulsar and I think I’ve also heard Citizen are good watches in your given budget. They’ve lasted for me for about 5-10 years before the plating wore off of them with daily or near daily wear.
For less cheaper, and therefore more options to rotate around and have less wear out of a single one, I like Anne Klein. Some are way too gaudy for my taste but some are pleasant.
We are in the design phase of a kitchen renovation. We got several quotes and went with firm A. They’ve been great to work with but recently re-did the estimate and it’s 30k higher than initial. The initial quote was already near the top of our budget. Some of that is our choice, but they also are charging about 20k more for two major things that another company, firm B, had included in their initial quote. Firm A’s engineer also told us one of the structural things we really wanted to do is not possible. It’s worth noting we liked firm B and they also get good reviews, as does firm A. We went with firm B because we like their aesthetic a bit more, but we now have much more of a handle on the design we’re going to go with and feel comfortable relaying that to firm B.
We have reached back out to firm B and their engineer is coming out in two weeks to really assess that structural thing. We also provided the additional info to firm B for them to do a revised quote.
We may end up using firm A after all of this, but feel that we really need to do our due diligence with firm B. Firm A is waiting for our response to their updated quote. The real answer is “we are doing due diligence with your competitor” but how would you phrase that? We are not locked in with firm A but would lose a 5k deposit.
I think you’re mixing up your As and Bs, this is hard to follow. I would take someone seriously who says a structural change can’t be done and I would choose a firm that friends had liked and used. It sounds like you’re at square one really. I the course of construction, 5k is nothing.
OP. I mixed it up one time, yes. The sentence starting “we went with firm B because we liked their design aesthetic” should say A instead. Friends have used and liked both companies. We are not at square one because we have a strong design plan now, which we did not have initially. That was the primary driver of our initial decision to go with A.
Do you have any suggestions for how we should tell A that we need to put things on hold for a few weeks while we explore possible options with B?
I don’t know why you need to tell them that type of detail. I would just say you need a couple weeks or so to consider the new quote and then go explore with option B. If you end up going with option B, you then go back to option A and say you are not moving forward with them.
+1 this is the way. Buy yourself some time by being vague. If Firm A has asked you specifically, reply with “We are lining everything up on our end and will let you know how we’re moving forward in the next month.”
+2. I don’t think this is a big deal. You are the customer, they will wait for your decision. They will also likely know what you are doing, but that is fine too.
But I agree with the later poster who suggested telling A that the bid is too high and see if they can do better.
I think it’s fine to continue down the path with B but you should also give A a chance to compete since you like their aesthetic better (if I’m reading your correction right). Reach out and make it clear that you like them but you need to rein in costs. Be direct and ask how firm those costs are, and where they would recommend making adjustments to get costs down 5 or 10%. Costs matter and sometimes companies forget that or they are testing the water to see your reaction.
+1 They can probably read into the delay, because getting competitor quotes isn’t unusual. Depending on how far into the process you are (if they revised the quote and did the design, sounds like you are past the initial “gather intel” stages), you may burn bridges by essentially taking their design and giving it to another firm. If you like them other than the quote, you may want to give them the opportunity to reduce the cost in this way
This, and communicate your budget. Also, you don’t need to give a reason, just tell them you need some extra time.
Having said all that, I’m in favor of getting another opinion, especially when it comes to remodels. In my experience, it’s a shady business, have had people lie to my face and try to charge outrageous prices just because of the neighborhood. Take your time to be comfortable with your choice.
We have done a lot of work on our house recently and have found that different contractors vary a lot on how they give estimates. Some contractors give you a bid that is the “best case scenario” so that you choose them. These bids don’t tend to take into account anything unexpected that might happen (even if everyone knows that unexpected things always happen in home renos). Normally, these contractors will still get the job done, but the project will typically take longer and cost more than stated. If the best case does happen, then you make out with a deal… but if not, you generally leave this experience less than thrilled with the contractor, even if they did good work.
Other contractors build in wiggle room with their estimates to account for a certain amount of expected delay, etc. Our contractor for our kitchen did this, so even sh*t happened, the time and expense delay had already been built into our budget. The only time we had to increase the budget was when the contractor found a really unexpected structural issue with the home that needed to be fixed. Whereas, our bathroom contractor was the former type of contractor, and we ended up being asked for more money several times for issues that, in retrospect, should have been foreseeable given the age of our home.
We’re in the middle of renovating a historic home, and if any of our contractors came back with a $20k higher estimate after we’d already started (and it wasn’t something like, “Your 200 year old timbers are rotten”), I’d be pretty steamed. Even if you jump ship, it’s still a $15k savings ($20k – $5k deposit).
Give them the answer listed above – we’ll be in touch – and ask team B to get crackin’ on its best and final quote.
Lawyer here–I would also add that the design plan likely belongs not to you as the client, but to the firm that prepared it. You can’t just port it over firm to firm, and the new firm may charge you for a new one. Factor that in.
I am planning a trip to London with my 12 year old late March. I asked about activities here a few months ago and got some great recs (thanks!!). I am wondering if anyone has been to London know what must be booked in advance? So far I was shocked when I had a bit of hard time getting reservations for afternoon tea at Clairidge’s and the Harry Potter Studio tours (thankfully it worked out). What else should I be booking now?
Everything that can be booked. Everything.
Ugh. So you can’t show up to most places? I hate having to be so scheduled on vacation…
You can! But if those places are major tourist attractions you’ll send a lot of time waiting in line
This was the same time of year that I went last year. I was very glad to have reserved tickets to the Tower of London. I waited too long for the Natural History Museum (about a week out) and my preferred time was fully booked, so I would do that a bit earlier if you feel strongly about the timing – there were still plenty of tickets, but some times were full. We also saw that times at certain restaurants we wanted to go were booking up a month out, so I would check that. We hacked a dinner reservation to Dishoom by making a “daytime” reservation at 5:30 (they don’t take them after 6), which was perfect as a lot of people without reservations were already waiting for dinner tables and that definitely needed to be done decently in advance.
If there’s any way you can not carry a purse to go see the British Museum, I think there’s a separate and much shorter line.
And look at becoming a member of a museum. At some museums etc it is too expensive to be worthwhile, but at others it may be worthwhile if you are likely to buy things at the museum shop, take a pause at the members-only cafe, or get tickets for something that is otherwise fully booked.
I’d try to book as many things in advance as you can – or built enough flexibility into your schedule so that you can pivot.
We visited London in the second half of January last year and booked quite a few museums 2-3 weeks ahead of time and some things when we were there, 1-3 days ahead. But January is what I would consider completely outside tourist season, so it worked out for us having not booked everything months before.
An alternative to booking separate tickets for attractions is to get a City Pass. We chose one of the Go City passes (6 Day all-inclusive), and it was useful since you could skip the line in some museums. If you’re planning a lot of museums it might be worth looking into. For some attractions (e.g. Shard), you do need to reserve a time slot separately from the entrance fee that your pass includes – I would recommend taking your time to read the descriptions of each site the pass includes, and the how to use the pass there.
One of the unexpected benefits of the Go City pass was that we could just pop into another museum or attraction that was close to another attraction our way – especially when it rains unexpectedly it’s helpful when you don’t have to decide on the spot whether you want to pay for that or not, it’s already included. Money-wise it was probably about the same price as booking everything, but we saw a few things that I wouldn’t have had on my radar otherwise.
Note that many of the British museums are completely free, so this may not be the money savings you think it is, as much as time saving.
Definitely book the Cabinet War rooms, the Tate/Tate Modern, the National Gallery, Museum of Natural History, the Sir John Soane museum, and the Tower of London (including seeing the jewels) in advance, if you can.
TW: upsetting content
I’ve never been a big believer in the concept of karma, but my best friend just told me about a horrific child abuse case (she works for CPS) that was the worst her department had ever seen. An on-site therapist was established for employees dealing with the case, the pediatrician who has missed the early warning signs took a leave of absence, and so on. The mother and the father both participated in the abuse. The father is now in prison for over a decade and the mother somehow escaped prison time on some kind of technicality. However, then she was suddenly struck with a rare neurological disease and can no longer move, speak, or care for herself and isn’t expected to recover. I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe karma does actually exist. My best friend thinks so too after dealing with that head-on.
Why is your friend telling you about any CPS case that they have worked on? They need to stop gossiping and you need to stop further spreading this gossip.
No one really knows what this woman went through. I’d be questioning if she was abused by the man because women who are subjected to sustained emotional abuse are statistically more likely to have an autoimmune disease, which are often neurological in nature.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/ptsd-and-autoimmune-diseases#:~:text=Scientists%20have%20outlined%20potential%20reasons,Learn%20more%20about%20PTSD.
Why are you defending a child abuser?
She didn’t say anything to me that isn’t publicly available except for the part about a therapist coming to the office, which isn’t sensitive. It wasn’t gossiping either – it was looking for support after a traumatic case.
Per the newspapers, there was no known or suspected marital abuse.
A friend confiding to a friend about work stresses is not gossip. I am sure the case worker is not sharing names or details that could enable someone to figure out who is the abuser. In stressful jobs like this it is crucial to have outlets.
Why did you need to inflict this on all of us
I agree this is a weird thing for you to come here and gossip about. It’s an actual person’s tragedy and this post feels icky to me. Even though you are trying to talk about the parents, you had to set it up with the details about this poor child’s horrific experience.
I’m sorry – I wasn’t trying to gossip or inflict anything. I didn’t include details of the abuse for that reason and never would. I honestly just can’t get it out of my head and it seriously made me question the concept of karma.
If I tell you examples of rapists having happy lives while their victims are destroyed, will it make you change your mind back? People are allowed to believe in karma. But it’s odd if one case of a bad thing happening to a bad person makes you change your entire belief system.
To the universe: I hope karma exists for this poor child and he or she gets the help and love needed to make it through life.
No
Too many abusers don’t get terrible neurological conditions
We do not live in a just world
Amen.
Yes, this is sadly the world we live in.
But if the idea of Karma/god/whatever helps you get through your day, you do you.
Just as long as you keep fighting for justice.
It’s understandable to want to take refuge in some sort of just world hypothesis when facing something horrifying and tragic, but it only does more harm.
I’m of the opinion that karma (to the extent it exists) takes a long, long time, and that sometimes you never get to know how someone gets their just desserts. Maybe happens in this life, maybe after this one. Maybe it never happens at all.
My experience is that karma primarily works to take away anything that you appreciate, especially if you appreciate it out loud. Example: you say you are glad you haven’t gotten sick in a while, so the next week you come down with the flu.
This is what knocking on wood is for!
Any Thundering Herd people here? We are planning a visit to check out Marshall University. Recommendations for hotels and good restaurants? We have never been to that part of WVA before, but driving from NC, so will have a car.
I am from WV but went to WVU. The town is not that nice.
Hampton Inn or DoubleTree.
Don’t expect to be too impressed with the town. It’s a fine area; the downsides are that it’s small, not a lot to do, and a long distance away from anywhere fun. (Charleston WV isn’t that big of a city. Lexington KY is about two hours away.)
Hi! I live in Huntington and I love it here. Stay at the Delta downtown and you’ll be able to walk to everything. Backyard and Peddler are right across the street from the hotel, and they’re both great casual options. The Market is also on that block and is full of casual food options and some cute little shops. If you want nicer foot options, check out Sip Wine and Whiskey Bar or 21 at the Frederick. Heritage Station is another great cluster of local artisan shops and Nomada bakery, which is run by a lovely man from Argentina who uses a lot of his grandmother’s recipes in the shop. We have a gorgeous art museum (www.hmoa.org – the only Walter Gropius designed museum in the country!) and Ritter Park is really beautiful for a walk or a picnic. I could go on and on. If you’d like more suggestions or if you have a kid considering Marshall, drop me a note at thejewelhuntington@gmail.com and I’ll be happy to answer any questions!
Go Herd!
What is going on at Barnard?! Students storming a building in kefiyahs? Barnard isn’t bombing Gaza. Surely there is a U.S. based issue they could focus on
The president of the country with the biggest military in the world is threatening to wipe out the entire nation of Palestine. And the Israeli govt is buddy buddy with the right wing white nationalist movement, but here is an average white American woman still pearl clutching over a handful of student protesters at a small college, and ironically trying to call out others for having a narrow perspective. Because of course.
If only there had been a different candidate for President they could’ve supported or voted for (if eligible).
Keep trying to blame third party voters but no breakdown of those voters showed that they had a meaningful impact on the outcome. Trump was carried through and through thanks to white men and women of this country, no matter how many other groups y’all may point to.
The college student protestors are overwhelmingly white. Weird that you’re trying to draw a distinction between the protestors and “white people.”
And completely ignoring that the Muslim/Arab vote went pretty significantly for Trump (or Stein, which was functionally the same thing).
A bunch of incredibly privileged white college students are engaging in a performative protest targeting an entity that has nothing to do with the policies they are opposing and in the process contributing to both the collective right-wing denigration of “college elites” and annoying people who might otherwise be convinced to sympathize with their position. This is not new but it remains counterproductive. And the knee jerk tendency to defend them is not helpful.
I’m not sure how you’re confirming that as all the pics I’ve seen are of their faces covered and you can’t tell their ethnicity. But the point still stands that people want to blame Trump on Palestinian supporters, when the data just doesn’t hold that to be true. Unfortunately, the plight of the Palestinians isn’t something Americans care about enough for it to have been a large influence on elections. People like Anon 10:03 need to acknowledge that it was white people fearful of one stupid thing or another who elected him into office and the blame can be shouldered by them.
Until Democrats face their serious losses of support among Hispanics (particularly Hispanic men – who voted for Trump and who are increasingly a large part of the electorate), Arabs (a tiny block but significant in some states), and even Black men, they are never going to win another national election. “It is all the fault of white voters” is not going to win elections moving forward.
Playing the identity politics blame game is not helpful – or even particularly accurate for 2024. If Harris had held Biden’s edge among non-white voters she might have been able to hold on.
That candidate would be quietly supporting the same outcome, just carried out surreptitiously and more indirectly, with the difference ultimate lately meaning nothing to the Palestinian population.. This is a US issue. It could not, would not, did not happen without the financial backing and political cover of the USA.
I’m confused. Are you blaming Israel for what is happening right now or for the fact that it is as even founded to begin with?
That comment is about right now. And it is about US support.
But also – I don’t appreciate your attempt to bait me into taking a position so you can call me a name. I am not that. I do think both issues are fair subjects of debate, discussion, critique, and I fundamentally reject the suggestion that they are not.
Hey 12:40, knock it off. You’ve made your point clear across this thread. The lack of a chorus backing you up should tell you something.
The conspiracy theory I most believe in is that bad actors (Russia?) have worked to get US college students so worked up about this one issue.
Looks like it’s really easy for them also.
Yes, it is easiest for Russian propagandists when an accusation is true! Soviets worked hard to get US college students worked up about racial segregation too.
People will believe a conspiracy theory rather than believe that people view Palestinians as the actual victims in this conflict.
f someone views Palestinians as the victim in this conflict and also
views Russia as the victim of “western imperialism” and Ukrainians as the aggressors, it tells me a lot about where their information is coming from.
18,000 children died. If you don’t think they were victims, there is something deeply wrong with you.
Or extremist Muslim groups – and a lot of elite colleges have turned to the Arab Gulf states for donations and who will pay full tuition and are tutored to be strong applicants. To be clear, I don’t think all Muslims or Arabs are extremists – just like not all Zionists go with Netanyahu. But the few extremists or their propoganda overly influence the center who end up leaning that way because protesters hate nuance (I.e. if you’re not with us, you’re against us!)
If extremist Muslim groups and Russia propaganda are behind the pro Palestinian sentiment that is getting a bunch of college kids protesting just imagine what the hundreds of millions of dollars AIPAC spends on lobbying US officials (in just a single year) is getting Israel
In time, these protesters will be viewed much like the students who protested the Vietnam war. They were viewed as dumb kids who didn’t understand geopolitics. Now, we know they were the moral compass of the nation.
I don’t think that that’s how they are seen.
Good men drafted and served and were treated horribly upon their return. Legit COs I have no problems with. But a lot of privileged white men just couldn’t be bothered. Story never changes.
No, you’re wrong. That is how they are seen now. Overwhelmingly. People view the Vietnam war as unjust and pointless, and the protesters as morally correct.
If you are Amish or a Quaker, maybe, if that was always your actual principle. But when you were affluent and 20ish and white, I think you just wanted to go to college and smoke weed and get laid.
We owe the men who went and got broken a huge debt, still. But the men who didn’t serve treated the men who did like garbage. IDK how those people live with themselves.
For someone claiming to understand such a complex issue, you’re painting with a mighty big brush.
I can guarantee you it matters to millions of Americans that Trump dodged the draft based on bone spurs…and that he laughs about it now. While my uncle and my FIL and tens of thousands of others went to serve.
Was the war “pointless”? Absolutely. Any politics of war class will teach you that you can’t export democracy at the end of a rifle (a lesson our leaders seem not to have learned). Were the protestors right to be protesting such a war? Sure. Were they morally correct? That’s a question for an ethics class. There is morality and honor and good in answering your country’s call, even if you don’t want to.
(Ditto pp that I have no problem with legitimate COs.)
Yup. And future generations will wonder why Americans encouraged and funded an apartheid nation that resulted in the ethnic cleansing of the Palestinians from their own land. If you look at non American news outlets, this is already happening despite Israel increasing its hasbara budget by a lot
I don’t think that’s how people view Vietnam protestors, and I don’t think that’s how these kids will be viewed, either.
Most people now understand that the Vietnam war was a pointless effort by the United States. We should never involved ourselves in it. Even Robert McNamara, the former Defense Secretary, did a documentary called The Fog of War where he admitted it.
Agreed. Ear was pointless but nots let confuse the drafted soldiers with their management. And not all who refused to serve did so on any principle but fear.
Not talking about the morality of any of the causes here, but the zeal of Vietnam War protestors makes a lot more sense to me because there was a draft and the students’ own friends and family were being sent off to a war. Occupy Wallstreet was about things happening in this country. That’s not the case with Gaza, so it makes less sense to me that that is the cause that college students have so fervently latched on to.
I think to a lot of people it’s a battle over the nation’s soul since what is happening in Gaza is reminds them of what the USA did to its own indigenous peoples historically. The myth that we’re somehow past all that now is being shattered.
Remind me when the indigenous people here kidnapped babies and r*ped women
Are you seriously confessing that your education left out Native Americans kidnapping babies and women? You’ve never heard of Mary Jameson or Cynthia Ann Parker? Did you think they made up scalping for TV shows? You’re not aware of a single massacre of colonists?
Omg Anon at 12:39 please read a book. You’ve got to be kidding me. Indigenous people in America engaged in warfare, it still doesn’t excuse what we did to them.
We send billions of dollars of aid to Israel. They have universal health care, and we don’t. They decimated Gaza with our tax dollars.
Kinda neat then that these protesters support people aside from themselves and people they are directly related to.
Maybe they have the benefit of seeing, through the hindsight of history, what the outcome of complacency when there is a genocide happening halfway around the world can be, and the fortitude to put their own interests but n the line to try to prevent it – or at least to try to prevent their own country from being the perpetrator.
Maybe for some, this IS happening to their own families.
And maybe these are not the kids who will grow up hating gays and immigrants, except the first ones they meet personally, and instead work proactively to protect others through empathetic policy instead of voting to damage the lives of others, only to regret it when they find themselves in actual proximity to their victims.
There is no genocide. A lot of tragic and sad deaths, yes, but I strongly disagree on the genocide front. If the intent required for genocide was there, all Palestinians would be gone already.
And to an earlier poster- I guess the students have no concern about anything happening in this country?
The UN disagrees with you.
The UN has made a mockery of itself over the past year
The UN also helped create Israel in the first place?
I have a genuine question- if you were in charge of the Israeli military, how would you have responded to 10/7?
The Israeli government knew that 10/7 was going to happen: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/30/world/middleeast/israel-hamas-attack-intelligence.html
@12:36: If you make up your own definition of genocide, instead of the one ne adopted in my international law, then you are exactly correct. Otherwise, you are way off the mark in your accounting for what matters. And your definition is a dumb and useless one and there is good reason it is not applied other than by those who want to excuse what is happening. Did you protest the application in Sudan? To the Uyghurs? In Bosnia? I thought not.
As to what I would have done if in charge, I think first and foremost I would never be associated with an organization on the other side of an attack like this. That said, there has always been the option to free the hostages by freeing Palestine.
10/7 didn’t happen in a vacuum. The Palestinians are desperate – being denied statehood, and livelihoods, and living in abject poverty. Israel’s policies toward Gaza for decades have been inhumane.
The events of 10/7 were atrocious, but it’s what happens when people have no other option against a powerful aggressor
That should read “instead of the one adopted in international law”
I completely agree with you. I think a lot of foreign money is being funneled into these protests.
It’s so interesting to me that this is still happening at Barnard but not in many other places. I assume part of the reason it’s a news story is “elite college in close proximity to news organizations,” as I’m a cynical sort. If this was a protest at Cal State San Marcos, it would not be on the front page of anything.
Posted late yesterday and looking for practical suggestions on how to help. She didn’t get the job despite feedback that she interviewed very well, she was a good cultural fit but they decided to go with the other candidate. She has made it to final round 3 times now. I don’t know how to help and she has no money left and 3 children to support. She has been so strong but I worry this will break her.
Question for the hive: a close friend was laid off 18 months ago from a well remunerated role. She has applied for several hundred roles, interviewed at around 15, and doesn’t have any offers yet. Last week she had an interview that she said went well, other than a question which threw her. The interviewer spoke about his own children, then asked her about her family. She has a 8, 11 and 13 year old and is a single mom. I think she overshared by admitting to having children, but I don’t know how I would have answered that question differently in her shoes. Two questions: 1) how do you answer questions like that? and 2) what do people do when they are at the end of their emergency fund and have 3 young children and an ex spouse who pays minimal child support?
They go into debt, they move out of nice homes into cramped old rentals, they substitute teach and work a second job and leave the 13 year old in charge. They move in with family. They spend retirement savings. The reality of long term unemployment is grim.
Exactly. The good news here is that she does not need daycare or afterschool care with kids these ages.
She should keep applying for career roles, but she needs income in the meantime. Personally, I’ve always made a killing babysitting for extra money. As an older woman with kids of her own, she would be very trustworthy. Post a profile on care [dot] com for $25-30/hour and she can get some money into the household right now.
This. I’m currently unemployed with similar age kids. DH still has a job, but I made about 70% of our HHI. Based on my cash flow analysis, I’ll start substitute teaching or get a job in retail if I haven’t found another career job in August (not worth it in the summer, since those wouldn’t pay enough to cover summer camp for 3 kids and I’m not leaving a 12 year old in charge all day). I hope it doesn’t come to that, but being without ANY income for 18 months is a choice, and not one I will make.
I was also going to suggest a babysitting or nanny job in the interim. She may be able to find a babysitting job for a baby that is daytime while her kids are at school
I’ve paid bank for short term nannies (e.g. 1 month) to fill childcare gaps.
This. She should be able to find a swing shift role (7-9ish to do drop off, 3-7 for after school) pretty easily with her age and being a mom. The 13yr old can watch the younger kids during those hours and it gives her time to apply during the day. Not taking ANY paying work in 18mos is a weird choice to me with 3 kids to support.
Exactly. I’d hope that at this point she has already been working through her financial contingency plan: moving somewhere cheaper, cutting any optional expenses to the bare bone, applying for any relevant benefits, working a part time job, and working the courts to get whatever she can out of the ex (delinquent child support, health insurance for the kids?). But this is what it means to live in a country without much of a safety net. Anyone can get unlucky at any time and find themselves on the financial edge.
Yes and call the landlord and utility companies and hit the food banks
This. For more reading: https://www.amazon.com/Stigma-Trap-College-Educated-Experienced-Unemployed/dp/0190239247
Most employers will train interviewers not to ask those types of questions as it leaves them open to discrimination suits. That doesn’t mean it’s not asked. Even in the workplace, I tend to answer breezy, non-specific and keep moving the conversation forward. “I love my children, they’re so independent and are really into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I can’t remember the last time I saw something in the theater…” Or for very young kids, “My son John is wonderful and super into dinosaurs right now. Eventually I want to take him to our Natural History Museum. Have you been recently? I heard they got a new fossil from Nigeria…” (Not saying, I have a young toddler).
She doesn’t have any income coming in? She needs a part time job and she needed it about 12 months ago.
Yes this
yeah this is crazy to me. I was laid off and 5 months pregnant. I knew it would be hard and I applied to jobs that were true career opportunities and in parallel did some panic wave applying for all kinds of things that were not my field, but paid money and had insurance. I was briefly entertaining working for our town in an admin role paying about $55k a year (vs the $150k/year job I’d just lost) but it had full benefits.
She may make more money on UI than working a minimum wage PT job, which would disqualify her for benefits.
She’s not still getting unemployment after 18 months
This
Max unemployment with 3 dependents is about $380 a week. and yes, it ran out a long time ago
What field? Are there temporary options in those fields? She would be better off on a contract assignment than doing nothing.
Also, is there a possibility of moving for a better job opportunity? If a different city has more options, my suggestion is to front her the money for an hour-long consultation with a family law attorney.
Can you support her by paying for a job coach? That question shouldn’t have thrown her, it sounds like some objective, professional help would be a good idea including interview prep. This is someone I can recommend: https://kdbcoaching.com/
I’m sorry your friend is going through this. Do agree with the posters below about finding another source of income and cutting costs. Hs she considered it?
It’s time to buy new jeans. I’m 5’5 and size 18. Should I go to a department store? Gap? Madewell?
Is straight leg the most flattering currently “in” style?
I’m the same size and I only shop online because 18 is hard to find in stores. I really like wide-leg jeans.
I just got a pair of Gap jeans that are adorable. If you like wide-leg, the high rise stride line are pretty great and punch above their price point.
I think madewell vs dept store is a price point question. Most dept stores have free personal shoppers. If you call ahead you can ask them to stock the dressing room and also fetch you different styles and sizes. I would make sure they carry a sufficient range in your size to make it worthwhile when you call. It’s frustrating to make an appointment and they don’t have what you’d need.
Also I would say that straight leg, at least on me, needs to be a bit cropped, meaning NOT brush your shoes, in order to look right. For that reason, I like to also have a boot cut or flare option for different shoes. The other reason I like department store appointments is they’ll bring different shoes for try on. Happy shopping!
I know Torrid gets mixed reviews, but I have had good luck with their jeans both fit-wise and quality/lasting. They have short and extra short as a bonus.
I really like my Wit & Wisdom jeans. I get them on ThredUp but have seen them at Rack.
Sometimes “straight” means tapered which is not in and looks very frumpy. Go for actual straight to the ankle which might be called wide or the barrel look. Not sure if styles are still called boyfriend or not
Try Lucky Brand. They still exist with an extended size range.
Also Kut from the Kloth
I recently ordered from Levi’s online. 18 can be hard to find in store, and I wanted classic. Doesn’t get more classic than Levi’s! Order a few styles and sizes. Easy peasy.
Can you go to Nordstrom and try on different styles and brands? I’ve bought good inexpensive jeans at Old Navy, but still prefer some of the brands I find at Nordstrom like Wit & Wisdom, Kut from the Cloth, etc.
I don’t like Madewell jeans and prefer Anthropologie if I’m ggoing to spend the money. The Colette jeans are really flattering.
Feeling very bummed today – I’ve been job hunting, trying to get away from my toxic and stressful job. It’s been really rough going, I’ve never had this much trouble finding a new job before. I applied for a job a week ago that I thought would be a perfect fit, worked very hard on my resume and cover letter. I applied 2 days after the role was posted so it’s been 9 days total. And I just got an email that the role has been filled. ?!
Welcome to job hunting in 2025. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go on reddit r/layoffs and look for recruiter content creators (JT O’Donnell, Mike Peditto) that regularly work with job seekers in this climate. You will do yourself no favors trying to do what worked for you in the past. This is an incredibly competitive environment and with AI screening technology, you need to know how to format for that. And for roles you’re really interested in like the one above, you need a referral or to find a person to reach out to at the company. Good luck — it’s rough out there.
Some postings are “wired” to be filled with a specific candidate, but the posting fulfills policy requirements. The timeline suggests that was the case here and this likely is not about the quality of your application.
This. Some people write incredibly specific job descriptions for the candidate they already have in mind.
Other times, they get a candidate who is just beyond what they could have wanted.
Agree. If it only took 9 days to fill, they already knew who they were hiring before posting it.
Agree with this
Rats…..Keep on keeping on. The next right role will come.
The good news is now you have that ready to go so you can apply faster next time. It’s ok to be more generic for these kinds of posted jobs
The market is very weird right now. I am a federal employee trying to get the hell out. I have been almost instantly rejected from a lot of roles where I check every box. I just got rejected from a local government job that is exactly what I do right now. I have also gotten interviews at places where I only check some of the boxes. I have applied to jobs open for months thinking there was no way I’d be considered, and I am moving onto the second or third rounds for two of them. If it’s posted, apply and hope for the best. Hang in there!
I’ll be in Philly for work in a few weeks and am looking for a pleasant spot to get dinner as a solo traveler. I’m staying near Rittenhouse Square and would prefer something walkable. The price point needs to be appropriate to submit for reimbursement so nothing super lux. I eat everything. Thanks in advance!
A few ideas near Rittenhouse where I’ve really enjoyed eating solo:
Wilder (lovely to eat solo there at the bar)
Tria (more light small plates but I love the vibe)
Pub and Kitchen
Sally
I really like Wilder or El Vez.
+1 to El Vez and it has a lively bar area which I enjoy as a solo diner (who usually eats at the bar!).
Rattling off the top of my head of places we’ve been in the last few months that have fun bar scenes (i.e., you could eat at the bar and not feel out of place, or get a table)
On the square itself- Rouge or Parc
Nearby- like within a few blocks- Village Whiskey (known for burgers), Wilder (upscale American), Dear Daphne (Mediterranean), Tria (wine and light bites), Dandelion (English pub fare), a.kitchen
For Italian- Ambrosia or Trattoria Carina are both good, but I don’t think either has a bar to sit at.
oh and if you like seafood, the Sansom Street Oyster House
Via Locusta
Dizengoff
Goldie (excellent food, but fast casual and closes at 7)
Tria
Pub and Kitchen
Dandelion
Dan Dan
Depending on your definition of walkable, I love Forsythia.
I’d go to Parc, sit at the bar, and reimburse what you can. Pay for the rest. Parc is so spectacular it’s completely worth it. The bartenders are great, and it’s where I go when I’m in Philly alone. I love it.
How do you decide whether to pursue a new role or stay in your current one, when your current one is “fine” but you dread actually doing your work tasks and procrastinate like crazy? Is that a role problem or a different problem? Does it make a difference if despite your lack of motivation you’re muddling by?
Why wouldn’t you?
I’m considering derm/medispa office level treatments for my skin. Budget is about $1000 total.
I currently use La Roche Posay’s Effaclar Adapalene Gel 0.1% Topical Retinoid For Acne every night and it’s been very effective at keeping hormonal breakouts at bay. I use a gentle physical exfoliant facewash at night (drugstore stuff) and my day moisturizer is either La Roche Posay Toleriane Double Repair Face Moisturizer or Fenty Beauty’s Instant Reset Brightening Overnight Recovery Gel-Cream with Niacinamide + Kalahari Melon Oil + Sisley’s eye and lip cream.
I’m 46, with slightly sensitive, oily, breakout-prone skin that has a lot of texture (fine lines on forehead, old acne scars, larger pores) I’d like to reduce the look of the texture and hyper-pigmentation / sunspots.
What does the “hive” recommend? I’m in the Boulder/Denver area.
Go on Insta and find a woman called Mrs. Derm and do what she tells you
I’d buy a package of clear and brilliant treatments and ask if you can mix/match – 2 treatments for pigment and 1 for fine lines would be my ideal.
Also you need sunblock every day! Lasering off pigment and not using sunblock is like bailing out water with a sieve. And with the elevation you are at ‘spf in my moisturizer’ is not enough. Follow fifty shades of snail on IG for the best recs of asian sunblocks.
I just did Fraxel. I also have slightly sensitive, textured, sunspotty skin and my dermatologist said I would be ‘very happy’ with the results.
I might be eventually – but I am currently 3 days post-laser and it is MISERABLE. Derm said “downtime” was about a week and I guess I was anticipating *looking* scary for about a week but I was not anticipating *feeling* terrible – my face is so swollen, incredibly itchy, painful, oozing, flaking, scabbing… it’s awful. So just be ready for that if you go the laser route.
Can your derm’s office call in a short term scrip for prednisone? I’d also ask about an ice roller for the swelling and try to keep the skin as moist as possible which will speed up the scabbing flaking. You can also buy sheets of hyrdocollodial patches (the stuff pimple patches are made of) which you then cut into pieces and can apply over any particularly nasty scabs – that makes a huge difference when I’ve had skin issues with peeling/scabbing.
Unfortunately I find dermatologists are not great at discussing after care so you sort of need to advocate for yourself here.
Yeah, I never understood how in the world people do these treatments that fry your skin and take (weeks?) to heal. How do you do this to yourself multiple times a year? Do you not work/see people?
Get prescription tretinoin and work up to using it nightly. Wear sunscreen every day. You don’t need to spend thousands on dermstore products. The tretinoin will do the heavy lifting and daily SPF is the best aging prevention product you can use.
I like curology for my tretinoin because it’s convenient and not too expensive.
Same age, same skin (right up and including the acne). Get the Cerave Resurfacing Retinol serum. It’s magic, and it doesn’t flare acne. It’s reduced my pores and minor melasma and acne scarring. Lasers are not always indicated for acne-prone skin. Doesn’t mean a med spa won’t sell you a pricy package. But try this stuff first. It really is awesome.
Ugh I need to break up with my boyfriend and I am just so sad but things are not working. He won’t open up to me and is emotionally walled off. He’s a great guy and we get along really well but we just can’t get into anything deeper than surface level without him shutting down or deflecting.
I’m 35 and thought this guy was *it* and the thought of going back to square one is just awful. All of my friends are married or coupled and I’m so tired of it all. Not even sure what I need right now, I just had to put this all out there.
What? IMO that is a feature, not a bug.
No emotional intimacy or connection is your goal? Great. A man for you is coming onto the market
I literally laughed out loud. Well played.
Me too haha
Huh? No. No.
OP, good for you for realizing this isn’t going to work and getting out. This will free you up to meet the right person. It only takes one.
You need to page Shots, Shots, Shots.
In the meantime… dating sucks. Good relationships are hard to find. Know that you’re doing the right thing; staying with someone like this would only end in more misery.
Are you at a point where you are truly done trying or would hearing others experiences help?
Does he acknowledge this is a problem and is he willing to try? Is he possibly just slow to open up or has this gone on beyond all reason? How does he think relationships work — does he think it’s just shallow all the time?
He does acknowledge it’s a problem but says he is “hesitant to cross that boundary” and won’t elaborate. It sounds like he’s been in some rough past relationships from the little bit that he’s told me.
I want to make things work, but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m the one doing all the heavy lifting and work. It’s so frustrating and I have just reached the end of my patience.
I know others have met their husbands after 35 and that logically I’m still young, etc. etc. but none of that is helpful nor what I want to hear. I’ve been single and dating for the vast majority of the past 12 years and finally found someone I just click with in all ways…he just won’t open up.
If he won’t open up, you don’t actually know if you click and you probably never will. He’s not telling you something that likes makes you very incompatible long term because he enjoys spending casual time with you. Take it as a sign there are people you like out there and someone else will have all the things.
I’m just curious, what things won’t he “open up” about?
If he’s getting angry or frustrated with you and then won’t tell you why, that’s breakup material.
If it’s more like “I want to talk late at night about ways our parents disappointed us” then that may be a you problem. (Or, more accurately, a sign of a bad match, which I guess is still a breakup issue.) I just wanted to point out that people have different tolerance levels for self reflection.
This. To me, the car next matters. My BF isn’t eager to engage in those kinds of exercises, and frankly I don’t really want to either. But I did learn a bunch of things by surreptitiously asked ng “The 36 Questions” recently. (He caught on at some point ) He needs a different approach and maybe more time than some people would have given.
I’d tell him it’s impossible to have an intimate relationship without opening up and ask him if he really prefers to be single. Really ask him what he’s doing here & what he wants in the future.
This is obviously a him problem and the onus is on him to fix it. But you should feel free to move on. If you have the tools to have a healthy relationship, you can have one — but your partner has to have those tools too. Is it easier to find someone who’s in a good place than it is to change someone who’s stonewalling you.
It also makes me wonder, is he just trying to avoid going deeper into a relationship & getting hurt (which he should be brave & overcome) or are there some real dealbreaker skeletons in his closet? People make a good point that you can’t really know him.
The number one thing I’d tell my 35 year old self is stop trying to make fetch happen. A relationship should be easy, especially in the beginning. You click or you don’t. You are better off tossing someone back and trying again. It may feel like a slog but you’ll be so much better off in the long run holding out for a real, easy connection. OP, don’t second guess yourself here, you know this fish isn’t the one to have for dinner, toss him back.
This is the right answer. I posted below but having read OP’s response…it’s time to tell the guy. He probably already knows.
This. A relationship should be easy at the beginning. I was 34 when I was on the serious hunt for a spouse and made it my goal to date however many single men in DC I had to to get to Mr. Right. My first date criteria was brutal: am I crazy about this guy? Butterflies? Do I want to see him again? Is he cute enough that I can imagine waking up to him on the pillow next to mine? If those answers weren’t yes, you didn’t get a second date. Everyone deserves someone they’re crazy about.
But I also had one of those relationships where we absolutely clicked and then his trauma became visible and we were already 3 months in and nothing I did fixed it (because of course it didn’t) and I had my heart broken.
Agree, if you know it’s not gonna work, then I agree with the others: time to call our pal SSS.
If you want to hear a positive experience, I am married to someone like you describe. We’ve been together since college and we are now 45 so it’s been a long road, but at its core, he was not emotionally unavailable to me while being open with others- that would be a non-starter. He has never been a talker, or a share-r, or an outward feeler of feelings. He’s an only child of two very old, very awkward parents so doesn’t have siblings, cousins, or other in-laws as examples either.
If we met in our 30s I’d have probably walked away. But as it was, we met young and did a lot of growing together. He discovered in his 30s that he’s got ADHD and has also done enough learning and thinking that he realized he’s probably vaguely on the autism spectrum. Those aren’t excuses, but knowing that about himself was a huge, huge time of growth. He tells it like “now I can label the things that I do, or have a tendency to want to do and decide if I’m going to do them or not.” It’s hard to explain but has been a game changer with one of our kids who is very similar.
I just broke up with him and I am so sad. He seemed like he was expecting it which makes me feel terrible, especially because things weren’t bad; he just couldn’t talk about anything emotional.
I had posted a couple months ago that I thought I was in love with him after like only a few weeks because everything just seemed so easy in a way it hadn’t been before. it does seem like he was holding back so he wouldn’t get hurt but it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. I feel like I have failed at every relationship I’ve ever been in.
Thankfully I’m working from home because I keep crying at my desk. What a way to end the week.
Accept a hug from an internet stranger.
You haven’t failed! Please don’t tell yourself that relationships are things you have failed at. You just haven’t found the right person yet. I’m proud of you for making a hard, but smart, choice. Your future self will thank you.
Sending a big hug.
Did you break up with him… by text? During your work day?
Sending big hugs.
I posted around a month ago about an acquaintance who is not a good person who was running for political office. I’m happy to report that despite being up 9 points in the polls he lost!
Wow 2 good karma stories in 1 comments post!
There is always hope for a slightly more just world
I’m sure I’m in the minority here, and in society generally, but the “good karma” stories being about bad things that happened — even to bad people — don’t ever make me feel better.
Yeah, like I’m cool with a bad person losing an election because someone has to! But taking joy in someone becoming profoundly disabled is gross, even if that person is awful.
That’s a little sanctimonious.
The candidate who won is a moral upstanding member of the community who won without corporate support. Does that make it a happy story? I just don’t know the winning candidate personally.
Yeah, I guess I was more reacting to the reply about “good” karma and the story above than the candidate/campaign. But still, gloating about bad things happening to people will always rub me the wrong way.
It’s not gloating about a bad thing, it’s celebrating that he’s no longer a threat to democracy, at least not until the next election. Dude will be fine, he has a 6 figure job.
It’s kind of like what’s happening to the people who were sure the leopards weren’t going to eat THEIR faces. It doesn’t actually make me feel all that much better because the leopards are still out there.
For those who write for their firm’s blogs, how do you manage the conflicts issues? I’m a litigator so I’d be writing about cases in my specialty. If I write about (or even mention) a case, I’m required to run all party names through conflicts. But conflicts takes so long – a week or more – and often requires follow up, and by the time I get cleared, the case is old news or I’m too busy to write. Other firms seem to manage this just fine, I feel like I must be missing something process-wise. Maybe I can get an assistant to automatically run conflicts on all opinions coming out of such and such court over X pages? Getting conflicts run in a reasonable amount of time is a losing battle; even some of my new matters take 3+ days just for conflicts to look at it. Is it like this everywhere?
I don’t think that’s normal. This should be a simple conflicts search to make sure they aren’t a client. Should not take 3 days.
My V10 firm did not require us to run conflicts on client alerts/blogposts, but we also did not take advocacy positions in those alerts/posts. Unless you’re making an argument in your post, I’m not sure why you’re running conflicts at all?
I mean, we definitely didn’t highlight cases where our clients lost badly, but those were easy to spot just by typing the losing party’s name into our billing software.
Preaching to the choir. We’re just summarizing the case. It’s really frustrating to be told to do something (esp. something nonbillable) but simultaneously handicapped in doing the thing.
If you are at a firm with a chip on its shoulder (I was), you can always say “peer firms are executing on this for their clients significantly more quickly than we are; how can we accelerate this process?” Saying something like “even Davis Polk does this faster than us” really got under people’s skins and made things happen. (Pick whatever firm the relevant people at your firm have a complex about).
Oh my. At the firm I was at, 24 hours for most conflict checks was realistic.
We send the article around with an email saying “You have until X:00” to approve/object and silence is consent to publication.
At my firm we don’t use party names. The press release reads something like “The New York office team of (x) partner and (x) associate won dismissal of a multi-million dollar claim against a large construction company. The plaintiff claimed the construction company (x), but the team successfully argued that the suit was filed beyond the statute of limitations.” Or something like that.
What’s the best way not to draw attention to yourself if you’re not eating at a business dinner? Order something small and push it around your plate? Is there something vague you can say that won’t invite further questions?
I found out that an upcoming team dinner is at a restaurant where the only thing on the menu I can eat is rice. I have GI issues and can typically find something to eat at any restaurant except for this one specific cuisine. I’ll be in a conference room with my coworkers all day so pretending I ate a late lunch won’t work. It’s an international “ethnic” cuisine and some of my coworkers are from that region. I feel like my choices are either appear xenophobic or disclose my embarrassing digestive issues. This is chance to see out of town colleagues during a business trip so unfortunately I can’t invent a conflict.
Could you call the restaurant and see if they can make any substitutions or special orders? I feel like digestive issues are universal, there must be some way people with those issues in those countries are dealing.
But: yeah. Get the food, push it around your plate. Try to take beano or gaviscon or whatever before you go. Eat simple, safe foods for the meal before and the meal after.
I was a little disappointed to learn that sometimes people just feel sick to their stomachs a lot and talk about it even if it’s the cuisine they grew up with (sometimes the way people deal is just by being sick I guess).
If someone said they had GI issues it would be truly NBD, so normal, would not care, not embarassing at all. Its much worse to not disclose IMO.
Are there other cars moments you could eat if prepared differently? If so, I would coordinating Nate with the organizer and restaurant for a “special” meal for you. Just a veggie plate, no sauces, or something?
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(my autocorrect is aggressive and editing quite difficult here)
Agreed with this as your first course of action. Otherwise, I think it is best to disclose vague GI issues as another poster suggested.
I would be more worried about appearing anorexic than xenophobic.
I really hope that people know that they can’t distinguish anorexia from GI conditions that come with weight loss and very strict diets.
It’s not xenophobic to be unable to eat something, and we need to stop perpetuating this. If a Muslim colleague refused to eat meat at a US restaurant, would you consider them xenophobic? Of course not. You simply say I have some dietary restrictions or I have a sensitive digestion if someone asks. I would order something small and play eat or contact the restaurant in advance, but IF someone asks, telling the truth is a good choice.
OP here. It’s Indian food. There are certain white American stereotypes about Indian food so I’m worried that refusing to eat might be seen as more xenophobic than other cuisines. In reality it just happens that every dish contains a trigger food. It’s reassuring to hear that you all would be unfazed by a vague comment about medical dietary restrictions.
My FIL won’t eat Indian and it’s 100% because of racism and an eating disorder, so I have bad associations with people who won’t eat Indian.
What specifically triggers your GI issues? Would something like Aloo Gobi work? Dairy and legume free.
Just because your father in law is a racist doesn’t mean you should judge everyone else through that lens. I also have digestive issues, and cannot eat onions. I do eat Indian food if I can leave the onions off, but I also might order only a starter.
If you think that makes me a racist, I don’t care, you have a problem.
I was guessing it was Indian food, as I have heard a people make a lot of truly awful comments about it, both the smell and the digestive effects, in ways that clearly are xenophobic. It’s funny, because it’s actually the food that my family with varying dietary preferences and issues (meat eaters, vegetarians, vegans, celiac, and other food allergies) finds most accommodating and eats often (we’re mostly white), but I could see it being a problem if you can’t do onions or garlic or certain spices. But even as an Indian food lover, I wouldn’t think twice if someone just mentioned they were on a restricted diet.
OP again: Yeah, I think the organizer picked this because it can accommodate vegetarians. Unfortunately I can’t eat coconut, yogurt, chickpeas, lentils, ghee…which is nearly the entire menu. It’s an immediate bathroom situation from a small dose so I’m hesitant to request substitutions.
Right off the top of my head, bhindi masala doesn’t contain any if your triggering ingredients, and can be prepared at any spice level. It’s on the menu of nearly every Indian restaurant I’ve been to (may be listed as kadai bhindi, instead)
Yeah, there are a lot of Indian restaurants that are pretty good at accommodating vegans and dairy allergies with dairy free versions of dishes that traditionally have yogurt, cream, or ghee, but those dishes often have coconut, chickpeas, or lentils. But you probably could get some plain chicken and vegetables with your rice if you wanted (though I also understand why you might not want to ask).
Your limitations are very workable, I can think of 5+ Indian dishes that would require no modifications right off the top of my head, so yeah it’s kind of looking xenophobic.
I’m sure an Indian restaurant can give you plain grilled meats or vegetables if you called in advance and asked. Like a tandoori chicken without the yogurt marinade.
Call the restaurant and ask what they can make that can accommodate your food restrictions. It will probably be chicken, vegetables, maybe cheese.
Reference the call when ordering. “I called this afternoon and asked about a dish accommodate food sensitivities. May I have the chicken biranyi without ghee, please?”
Can you quietly just email the organizer? “While I love the flavors of Indian food, unfortunately I cannot tolerate some of the common ingredients well. Is there a chance the chef could prepare a dish that doesn’t include the following? _______”
I don’t think you need to bring up digestion or GI issues to say that it’s medical or that your doctor has you on a limited diet.
I do wonder if the restaurant really can’t accommodate on request. But I know that a lot of people essentially can’t eat any restaurant food if they have an allergy or restriction that is sensitive to cross contamination.
I’d just order the plain rice and if anyone asks, you can tell them you have health issues or dietary restrictions, no need to go into more detail. If you want to be able to eat more than that, though, it’s almost certainly possible to get them to cook some plain vegetables or chicken for you, but that would involve calling more attention to yourself. I feel like various food issues are so common these days, most people don’t think twice about these things and would rather see someone eat that starve.
+1 order what you can eat, even if that’s just plain rice. Call the restaurant/have the coordinator call the restaurant in advance to see if they can make something that meets your needs. Most restaurants can accommodate these kinds of needs if you call in advance at a slow time (ie, not during lunch/dinner rush) and aren’t fussy as long as your health needs are met.
It’s a lot weirder to order something you can’t eat than to make advance plans to get something simple you can eat.
Call the restaurant in advance. Most (nicer) restaurants will make off menu food so that you do not go hungry during the meal. I’ve had plenty of chefs that actually make better food in that situation because it’s made with creativity and love.
I think only very rude or nosy people will ask for details or make a stink if you say “I’m dealing with some health issues and will be unable to eat tonight, but greatly enjoy your company/am looking forward to getting to know you, etc.!”, and then just have something to drink.
+1. This is what I would do too. I think it would be worse to order something and push the food around your plate.
I don’t know. Sitting with an empty plate, or a plate of just plain rice, isn’t ideal either. Not a knock at n the OP, it’s tough, but I do think the ideal is to make an effort to get somethings ng at n your plate that looks like you want to participate. But if that effort fails, proceed.
OP, solidarity. It’s exhausting to defend my digestive tract whenever I’m eating away from home, but it only takes one molecule of my trigger foods to give me three or for hours of trying not to pass gas. (My long list of “no fly zone” foods starts with garlic, onion, and black pepper which are basic ingredients in almost every cuisine.)
Unless you totally trust the chef and all intermediate food handlers and servers, you might be better off with plain rice and a plain yogurt lassi. Just smile and tell people your restricted diet is sometimes annoying, but always manageable. (And eat a solid breakfast, and carry a cheese stick, handful of nuts, or a carton of yogurt and a spoon.)
OP said she can’t eat yogurt. But I agree, just order the rice.
I would call. Indian is my FAVE and I am sad you can’t have it, but I think this is solvable by you or the organizer. Our local place can and will make a salad, for example.
“My doctor has me on an elimination diet to address some digestive issues. It is such a bummer because this all looks amazing.”
Just order what you can eat. If anyone asks, just say you’re a little queasy so are eating bland tonight. But no one will ask.
If you’re under the age of 50, I think people are far more likely to think you’re pregnant than xenophobic, since pregnancy is famous for causing food aversions.
I think it’s odd that anyone would assume racism or xenophobia. Plenty of racists eat “ethnic” food. The most likely assumptions people will make are pregnancy, pickiness, sensory issues/autism, dietary restrictions, or an eating disorder. I would announce dietary restrictions to avoid any of the other assumptions.
There’s a lot of r4cism around Indian and Chinese cuisines specifically, so I think that is why (vs. something like Mexican).
I don’t know how any country trusts any deal we make with them ever after this. They gave up protecting themselves and having nuclear weapons in exchange for security guarantees which we have now totally reneged on.
I wouldn’t blame UK or France in the least if they made Ukraine a nuclear power again.
Agreed. The US has not been an honest broker here, and frankly that preceded this administration, though DJT has made it much much worse
Yes. Very scary for the future.
Agree 100%