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Coffee Break: Cashmere Scarf

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woman wears bright pink ombre scarf with brown leather pants and white button-front blouse

This cashmere scarf is so pretty — I keep coming back to it, hoping it will be on sale. It isn't SO dear at $250, but because I tend to live a snag-filled lifestyle I tend to prefer less expensive scarves.

Still, if I had a wedding or beach vacation coming up, I'd wear the heck out of this as a pashmina / wrap, and then use it as a bright, happy scarf around my neck during winter months. (I'd wear it with a neutral dress to a wedding — navy, perhaps, if the bride didn't want black — and out on dinner dates on a beachy vacation.)

The scarf is 80″ x 36″, with eyelash fringe ends, and is 100% cashmere.

It's $250 at Neiman Marcus and is available in five colors.

Some of our more affordable favorite pashminas and office shawls as of 2025 include ones from J.Crew, Nordstrom, Tuckernuck, Quince, and this super affordable one from Amazon. If you're looking for more of a ruana jacket, I highly recommend the Brooks Brothers' ones!

woman wears office shawl, aka pashmina
Amazon
woman wears oversized cashmere wrap like a ruana
J.Crew
tissue weight wool and cashmere wrap
Nordstrom (Cash/Wool)
woman wears white office shawl aka blanket scarf; it is thrown over her shoulder in an artful way
Tuckernuck

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

147 Comments

  1. My family (me, spouse, 3 kids) is about to come into life-changing money in the next year, from the sale of a company. Somewhere in the ballpark of $25-30m. We live a very nice lifestyle but for the most part, not extravagant (with one exception, which is travel). E.g. we don’t drive luxury cars, we have a very nice house in a very nice town, but we chose to live in a more middle class area vs. the more upscale neighborhoods. We buy everything we want, but don’t wear designer clothes or have any particularly expensive hobbies/habits. We already have plenty of household help.

    In our position, how would you (if at all) change your lifestyle? Assume we will be putting 10-20%i into a charitable fund. I actually don’t think I want to change my lifestyle at all, beyond giving more away, but I’m curious how others would approach this. For example, would you make generous gifts to extended family? Or just be generous if a specific need arose?

    1. I only have one kid but otherwise my lifestyle sounds very similar to yours – huge travel budget, nice home in a middle class area, plenty of fun activities and meals out, but no designer clothes or luxury cars.

      I’d buy a really nice vacation home and fly first/business class 100% of the time, but otherwise I don’t think I’d change my lifestyle much. I’d set up college funds for my nieces and nephews and close friends’ kids and give huge amounts to charity – a lot more than 20% if I got $30M, although I’d do it gradually and thoughtfully.

      I would NOT want to move my primary residence to a ritzier area. My friends in those kinds of place are miserable and exhausted by the amount of Keeping Up with the Jones that happens. Even if you have the money to keep up it just seems like such a toxic environment to raise children in.

      1. Good point about the vacation home – something to consider. But we don’t intend to stop working, and neither of us gets huge amounts of PTO (just the standard 4 weeks or whatever), so I question how much we’d actually use a vacation home, and I like the option of going somewhere new every time we travel. But it would be nice to create a sort of family homestead somewhere cool where our kids would want to come back to when they’re grown, invite friends and family, etc.

        1. Yeah that’s totally fair. I would stop working if I inherited that kind of money. Heck, I’d stop working if I inherited $1M because my annual salary is only slightly more than the expected annual interest off $1M. I guess I should have led with quitting., which would be the biggest lifestyle change. ;)

          Personally I’d purchase a vacation home in the beautiful coastal New England spot my grandparents lived when I was growing up, where my family spends a few weeks every summer (working remotely and doing day camp, currently). But I understand the impulse to not be tied down to one spot. Other than this annual trip, all of our travel is to new places, and we don’t use much if any PTO for that trip.

          1. I would still practice law but it would be pro bono on cases that I wanted to take and then, it would be far fewer cases. Would love to have a non-profit public interest firm.

        2. I wish I had a job that I liked enough I would continue to do it when I absolutely did not need the money! I just can’t imagine putting up with frustrating nonsense from my boss and coworkers, plus dealing with the logistics of two full time jobs and multiple kids (I also have 3) while knowing in the back of my head that I can walk away.

          In any case, I agree that I would not change my lifestyle, but probably would buy a family vacation home. It would be somewhere close enough to get away for just a weekend, more like a family gathering place to escape from the grind than anything lavish and exotic. I would continue to take big vacations to new destinations.

        3. You have 30 million freaking dollars – life is too short to be constricted by your regular jobs. Work part time and take all the vacation time you want.

          1. +1 it’s unfathomable to me to still want to work with that kind of nest egg! I’m almost more jealous that some people love their jobs that much than of the money.

        4. LMAO at feeling like you need to stick to four weeks of PTO in this scenario. You can quit your job, keep it and take sabbaticals any time you please, and help your best friends quit their jobs too so they can travel with you.

    2. I’d not breathe a word to anyone. Every sob story and grifter you’ve ever known or been in proximity will find you. Lock it down with some good lawyers or the next fender bender you’re in will due the crap out of you even if it’s not your fault.

      1. Ah, good point. We did recently take out a large umbrella policy for this exact reason.

      2. +1,000. I wouldn’t tell others except for internet strangers. I hate saying that, but people change when money hits the table. And saying no is hard.

        I would buy a second home in a place where I love to be. My parents bought a second home when I was in my 20s, and we all have loved it. They basically split the year between the city where I grew up and where they bought the other house (which is why I call it a second home instead of a vacation house). Both houses are fully furnished the way they like them to be, they have a car in each location, etc. My mom is not employed and my dad can work remotely. I’ll inherit this house many years from now.

        Other than this second house, I was raised on and my parents live very sterotypical midwestern values, which reflect their upbringings. We drive cars until they die, don’t really shop, cook at home, etc. And most of those habits I wouldn’t change. I’m happy with the level of my lifestyle. I might, however, spend money on having my house cleaned weekly or twice a month, weekly massages, and perhaps boutique fitnesses classes that I won’t pay for now.

        If you and your spouse are selling a business you built, huge congratulations to you. That’s a very impressive accomplishment.

      4. Definitely this. My family has more money than this, and no one would ever know.

        FWIW, we did not have an interest in a second house, but we do travel a lot. We just prefer to go different places than back to one particular place. We do fly business class everywhere though and stay at very nice hotels. ;)

    3. I wouldn’t change my lifestyle other than actively looking for opportunities to be anonymously generous. Like someone anonymously donated $10k to a college friend’s GoFundMe for her kid’s profound medical needs, and I’d want to be that anonymous person for people I loved.

      Agree with the other poster that the key word here is *anonymous*.

    4. maybe i’d retire sooner or update something in the house sooner than i’d planned, or move sooner if that had been in the cards. spend more or nicer accomodations when traveling. id put some in a trust for each kid, plan on paying for all of undergrad and more of grad school for kids. we would then definitely to private school for middle and high school (which we will probably do anyway bc of the quality of the schools near us, but i’d just be a lot less stressed about it) id probably just worry less. this is where values come into play – doesn’t sound like you value luxury cars (neither do i) or luxury handbags (neither do i). i do like getting massages, so maybe i’d do that more frequently. i want to update our kitchen at some point, so i’d probably do that sooner and without worrying too much about budget. i would not be making random generous gifts to extended family. if the need arose maybe or maybe if you are close with family and they live far away do some kind of family reunion or something.

    5. I would get my house cleaned weekly or 2x per week, and pay to have all my laundry done.

    6. Assuming my primary residence was already renovated, furnished, and paid off, I’d buy a vacation home and then use the rest of the money to set the family up for financial independence regardless of market conditions. I think $25-30M is just above the minimum required for that.

    7. I’m coming into similar money and plan on retiring. I will be dedicating all my time to hobbies, community service, and working on my home. As for as gifts go I will be buying BIL and SIL a house and paying off the ILs mortgage but that’s it. BIL and SIL will be notified that any yearly property taxes, home bills etc are on them so pick their house appropriately.

    8. There will be plenty of chances to give generously as we descend into recession (depression?). You’ll be surrounded by the unemployed and desperate. I’d plan for significant giving to food banks.

      1. That’s a great point. In that vein… would you reserve a large amount for direct giving (mutual aid), or steer more towards non-profits? (I know the tax implications between the two are significant).

        1. Personally I only do direct giving. I don’t care about the tax advantage, I want to help people I have an actual connection to.

    9. huge congrats – but it ain’t over until the money is in your account (and a lot can change in 12 months) so don’t get too busy counting chickens, especially until you see the tax bill.

      talk to your accountant now – maybe you could set up a defined benefit plan? that would allow you to save on taxes but would put a lot away for retirement so there’s that.

      superfund the kids’ 529s (5 years at once). depending how many other family members you have with college-bound kids, consider making a gift for them.

      keep your husband away from the racecar guy on this morning’s thread.

    10. Ugh, I gotta stay off this site due to jealousy. First someone getting $30k a year from in-laws, now this.

      2. Same. I work with lawyers but socialize with regular people. The perspective whiplash is unreal. Rich people: “why do you clean your own house?” “why don’t you take a vacation?” “why is your house falling apart?” Regular people: “gosh, you are so lucky that you can afford to pay for your kid’s college and go to concerts and just call the tree guy whenever a storm knocks down a tree”

        1. Eh, $30 mil is obviously unimaginable to most people but I live in a very middle class area and mostly socialize with people making high five figures or very low six figures and every dual working parent family we know has a cleaning service and takes vacations. Those aren’t 1%er things.

        1. Yup. Especially the number of people who say they wouldn’t change anything.

          And 100% would bet all my life savings (nowhere near even $1mil) that the OP does not live in an actual middle class neighborhood.

          1. So, for me, I wouldn’t change anything because my kids are an age where they would not want to be uprooted from their friends, and I don’t think I’d fit in with neighbors in a neighborhood much ritzier than my current one. We would absolutely do the home reno/addition we’ve been talking about for the last 5 years, but I wouldn’t move just because I came into money. I love where I live! I would consider sending my kids to a private school (but our public schools are excellent, and I don’t really *want* my boys to be Georgetown Prep kids), and I would probably up my housecleaner frequency to once a week, but those aren’t major lifestyle changes. If I lived in a small ugly house that I was tolerating only because interest rates are too high to change, sure I’d move.

          2. Agreed. Am I really the outlier that I would do something along the lines of set up a fully staffed charitable foundation, quit my job, buy a sea view house on the Côte d’Azur or Amalfi coast, and do some hands on charitable work and travel the world?

          3. Eh. It sounds like OP is well off and happy with their life. I’m not mad at it and I don’t think it’s virtue signaling to come to an anonymous webs*te where professional women can celebrate their accomplishments and discuss things like investments and financial issues to ask for advice on something like this. Particularly because as this is the type of thing you may not want to discuss with many people IRL. And whether OP lives in a truly middle class neighborhood or one that is more upper income, I understood what she meant by “very nice home in a very nice town but in a more middle class area” and I would bet everyone else did too.

            OP, it sounds like you like your job and I would also want to keep working if I was in your situation, but I would look into going part time or 80%.

          4. Agree with the 5:01 poster. I’m lucky to have a very nice life and am certainly better off than many, but the main things I’d want to do with gobs of money like traveling the world or living on a yacht are simple impractical with school age kids. I would never want to live in a gated estate in a very fancy neighborhood. Our current school district is academically excellent and probably well above average in terms of median income but it’s by no means a wealthy bubble. 30% of kids are on free and reduced lunch and the wealthy people including us mostly have HHIs in the $100-200k range. It’s a low cost of living area so that money goes pretty far, but it’s not nesting yacht money.

    12. How exciting! First, kudos to you on giving 10-20 percent to charity. The topic of abundance came up in yesterday’s Culture Study podcast, about what to do when you have a period of abundance. They advocated for giving money directly to people as a way to help those less fortunate. Do you have friends or family members who are struggling financially? I can think of one family on my side and two on DH’s side that I would love to see no longer struggling. If so then I would give them a decent chunk of this money. My uncle gave money to each of his siblings’ families to use towards their kids’ college fund. (He did this for his cousins too – they are all close). So that would be another way to distribute the money.

      1. Thank you. Fortunately, most of our family members are doing very well for themselves (and no one is really struggling). We are tentatively planning to purchase condos for our parents so they can sell their current homes and keep the proceeds of the sale to give them more wiggle room in their budgets (but, again, none of them are struggling). I highly doubt any of our niblings will need help with college since their parents are all high earners. But we definitely plan to set aside a good chunk for family/friends for needs as they arise.

    13. I would not buy a second home-let them deal with maintenance!
      Instead I would rent fancy for long term in places I always wanted to visit.
      Would not tell anyone about it. No way.
      I would do blind payments towards college education for family etc whom otherwise would have big debt.

      1. I grew up with a family lake house (less than two hours away) and I would never buy a second home. It’s a money pit and the headaches are endless. One day I’ll inherit the house and despite the fond memories that thing will be on the market before the body is cold.

        Renovate your house, fly first class, get frequent massages, take fancy exercise classes, get a weekly house cleaner, regularly go to nice dinners, put money away for your kids to go to college and grad school, and don’t tell a soul.

          1. Yeah, I went to a wedding once where the rehearsal dinner was held at someone’s “summer cottage” in Newport. In addition to the main house, which was gorgeous, there was a “barn” with a workshop and a very nice apartment above where the year round caretaker/house manager lived. If I had $30M, I would absolutely hire a manager for my vacation home.

          2. Yeah. We had a family house in a really nice vacation area (nothing extravagant – a modest house that used to be my grandparents’ primary residence) and my mom and her sister eventually sold it because it was such a headache. But they didn’t want to throw money at a house manager.

            I hope to eventually buy a larger property in the same area but will only do so if we can comfortably afford a house manager.

          3. We make 1M a year and have a second home and a house manager. It’s very doable at 30M and lovely.

    14. Given recent events, I would buy a second home in a place where my family could qualify for a long-term visa and path to secondary citizenship. I would open a bank account there and move $1M in current USD funds there.

      Depending on the ages of your children, I would prioritize countries that have a strong university system and English-speaking friendly.

      1. Ah, it is my absolute dream to move to a foreign country while our kids are still young and have an adventure. Sadly we don’t qualify for citizenship through ancestry anywhere we would want to move, and I don’t think golden visas exist anymore (for good reason). My spouse could do their type of work from anywhere, but I cannot.

        2. Malta might be a good option. English is the second official language. They still have investment residency/citizenship options I think. Progressive on LGBT issues, a bit strict on abortion but improving.

          Part of the European Union so all the benefits of transferability of working and university attendance. A republic but part of the Commonwealth which can also be useful depending on your area of work.

          1. Abortion is illegal in all cases except life of the mother. More than a “bit strict.”Even many red states have exceptions for rape and incest.

          3. The exceptions for rape and incest are in addition to the exception for the life of the mother, not instead of. Malta’s exception for life of the mother was only introduced last year (!!) and requires approval buy a panel of 3 doctors. Women could die while waiting for the panel decision. Malta has stricter abortion laws than almost any other country in the world. I loved it when I visited, but cannot imagine living there when I had $30M and could go many other places.

    15. Ok. I’d absolutely change my lifestyle dramatically. I have a pretty great life but that kind of money would mean a lot of changes. A beautiful old home with a view of the water and a big yard. I could probably afford one now but with that money I’d be able to swing the taxes and not worry about the commute. Plus I wouldn’t sweat the lawn maintenance and cleaning costs. I’d get it professionally decorated and throw at least one lovely party per year. I’d join the good country club and the pta. I’d quit my job. I’d get a concierge family doctor. I’d get some cosmetic surgeries and let the person stylists at bloomingdales pick my clothes. I’d seriously consider prep school for the kids in high school. We’d take a nanny on our vacations and never fly economy again.

      I have a friend who is suddenly extremely wealthy and her life is not perfect, but it is so much fun. Her values are the same, her relationships are the same, her big struggles are the same but the money allows her to experience some pretty amazing things. I’m happy for you op!

    16. I would engage an estate attorney quickly and discuss how to take the proceeds from the sale in a way that minimizes your tax implications (family trust?).
      After that, I’d fund a trust for each kid – not a ton more than $1MM each that they cannot access until they are 30/35 unless to purchase a home/medical bills (basically – enough to give them a cushion for a first home). I’d also fund their college accounts/529 accounts for private schools. I’d only give money to family if you are very clear with yourself that you will be entirely ok if they are not grateful (I’ve seen this happen in my family – the family member recieving money is downright rude/mean to the person giving the money out of resentment).

    17. I would work with a financial advisor. The things I would most like to upgrade are more household help- cleaning and cooking. And more special travel, things like a private family safari etc.

    18. I would not change my lifestyle much and meet with a financial planner to ensure both your children and their future families are set.

      You’re essentially able to purchase future freedom for yourself. If you don’t want to increase any of your everyday purchases or quit your job, then invest for now until there are things you DO want or people you can help. So instead of giving family arbitrary gifts now, there may be times when you can help pay for some critical timely need without stress. You may decide 10 years from now or 5 years from now that you want to buy a house somewhere else or work in something completely different. I think the impulse with life-changing money is that the change has to happen right now. For now, I would just upgrade things like your travel budget.

    19. I would go back for a graduate degree in my low-paying dream career, which is my current unpaid serious hobby. Then I’d try to break into that field while maybe getting another doctorate in a field in which I have an intellectual interest.

    20. Aren’t you worried that by posting this on the internet you are going to jinx the sale?

    21. Congrats, that is very exciting! I am an Estate Planning attorney, my advice is to give yours a call and review estate and tax planning in conjunction with your charitable giving plans. Your attorney will also discuss gifting strategies with you.

      As someone mentioned previously, don’t count your chickens before they hatch and the tax bill has been paid, ha!

      If it were me, I would plan to retire early (but perhaps not right away…), travel often and be anonymously generous with my money if a special cause arose. That’s just me!

    22. Priority number one is making sure that the situation is in order – both from the initial year and also making everything tax advantaged in the future. You know this. My suggestion is much like a new house, you don’t make any major life changes for a year until you’ve had a chance to sit with it. Maybe go on a bucket list vacation or buy the car that you always wanted, but otherwise wait to see how things shake out. And, you keep your mouth shut about how much money it is.

    23. I would quit working and enjoy life. I’d help friends and family who needed it and set my kids up. You get one life, enjoy it.

  2. Are people still wearing scarves? I bring one on board planes and to conferences for emergency warmth, but I feel that I don’t otherwise use mine and they used to be daily drivers.

    I’d love a solid white rectangular scarf though (or solid anything) and I feel like it’s hard to find those.

    1. I have not seen anyone wearing a scarf as a fashion accessory in real life in a number of years. I do see warm scarves outdoors in cold weather. Some influencers are posting photos wearing square silk scarves as part of an outfit but I don’t think the look translates to real life.

    3. I’m the same. Air travel only at this point, and I use a wide, lightweight pashmina type scarf for that.

      I did wear a regular muffler scarf a few times this year for cold weather but having something around my neck like that tends to annoy me after 10 minutes or so.

      I have a gorgeous collection of scarves now collecting dust.

    4. I’ve always tried to wear scarves but they always look silly on me. But I suppose I’ll never stop trying.

      They just don’t look effortless on my frame.

    5. I live in Canada and wear a scarf every day in the winter. But it’s for warmth, not fashion (although I try to pick cute ones to liven up the winter dreariness).

    6. I think they’re utilitarian pieces, not fashion statements. They keep you warm when you’re wearing a summer dress. They keep your neck warm. Even if someone was wearing it like this with the brown leather pants I would think, she put on her outfit this morning and then got cold.

    7. Lawyer here. Hermes scarves (actual or inspired) never really went out of the acceptable business clothes rotation at work. Classic, but never avant-garde fashionable.

    8. I have a collection of Hermes scarves I wear regularly. Always get a ton of compliments on them.

    1. With extreme sensitivity and care. But we consider our blended family to be real family.

    2. My stepbrother isn’t inheriting anything from my bio mom’s side and I’m not inheriting anything from his bio dad’s side. I assume that’s common.

    3. My exBIL is giving everything to his second wife, with whom he has 3 kids in diapers. His 4 prior kids will get nothing unless state law lets them elect against his will.

      It is with an eye to this that I’m more likely to be very wary of what a surviving spouse does (or the new spouse of a remarriage that is the survivor) — I want to make sure funds get to kids and stepkids and not to someone new on the scene who may not treat these kids fairly.

    4. i see so many MSN stories about this, like every time i open a new tab on explorer. (or edge? i forget.) assume that everything that can go wrong will.

    5. DH has a child from a prior marriage and I have no children/we have none together. Our estate is set up that his bio child will receive all of our community assets that we have built together during our marriage – we are a one-pot couple financially. If we died today, this is about $3.5m.
      However, I expect to receive funds and other assets from my parents upon their deaths. Those assets will remain separate and be distributed at my death to charitable causes important to my parents.

      1. You mean, your stepchild will receive all the assets after both your husband, then you die, right? Not immediately after his death?

        1. Yes. Exactly. My stepchild will receive our joint assets after both DH and I are gone. At the moment, as stepchild is still a child, those assets would go into a trust. If we live nice long lives and stepchild is a responsible adult, then stepchild will receive the inheritence directly once we both are dead.
          If DH dies first, I keep all assets. If I die first, he keeps all of our assets.

    6. Following. My sister and I come from a poor family. Her second husband insists that “their” money needs to be split evenly between his kids from his first marriage and her kids from her first marriage. There is grandparent money for his kids due to his first wife coming from a wealthy family. Not so for my sister’s kids. She came into their later in life marriage with a lot of assets from her own grind, and they unfortunately did not do a prenup. So now they have basically no estate planning because current husband started taking this stand well after they married. Surprise!

    7. We have kids together, and my husband had one child from his first marriage. Our intent was to give his son a half share (as opposed to a full share our children would receive) of our joint assets, which are all of our assets as neither of us had any assets to speak of when we married. The rationale was that his son would also inherit from his mother. So if we had 2 kids, the estate would be divided into fifths, our kids would get 2/5ths each, and his son would get 1/5th. We never addressed that a surviving spouse could go his or her own way and blow that up. It seemed impossible to guard against every contingency, so we did not.

    8. There is no one answer to this. I am my mother and stepfather’s only child (he adopted me) and their only heir, which will include the $1 million + he inherited from his parents. His (deceased) brother’s widow if quite angry about the fact that I am getting that money and not her daughter. But my parents have been married since I was a small child and he considers me his daughter just as I consider him my father.

      My biological father has two other children from his second marriage and stepchildren from his third who were teens/20s when they married. His estate plan was complicated, but the gist is that his other two biological children are inheriting his separate assets, and his stepchildren are not getting any of them. They inherited (and wasted) a substantial amount from their father that my siblings did not share so my father and stepmother agreed that was fair. I am not getting a penny at my own request because my siblings need the money more (they will not get anything from their mother; if anything they will be supporting her).

      This is so family and circumstances dependent that there is not really a way to generalize.

  4. I feel like I need a release in the form of a good cry. Are there any good tear-jerkers you would recommend to watch?

      1. Warning, it will be too much of a cry if you have experience with widowhood/parent dying young.

      2. oh gawd this. I cry at just the theme song from Up.

        If books are also acceptable, the first chapter of The Art of Racing In The Rain or And The Mountains Echoed will do it.

    8. If you happen to be a middle-aged mom like me, the YouTube video of Rebecca Luker singing Days and Days will reduce you to a puddle in minutes. You will feel seen.

      1. Op here. I’m middle aged but not a mom. I’ll check this out though because my curiosity is peaked.

    12. Op here – thank you everyone! I’ll have to save this for future reference.

    13. Call the Midwife, any episode, but probably the older seasons are the saddest.

      The Wild Robot if you want something recent and don’t mind animation.

      The movies I’ve cried the hardest at were Zhang Yimou’s To Live and Beasts of the Southern Wild, with an honorable mention to The Joy Luck Club.

    14. I’m more of a happier crier than a sad crier, but the ending of Crazy Stupid Love always gets me.

  5. Corrollary to this morning’s Q on inheritance – how do you talk to your kids about THEIR money, such as in 529s or UTMAs? Let’s say in theory there’s $30k in an UTMA and about $150k in 529s.

    1. With that amount, I would say during freshman year of high school “this is how much money you have available for college. You are not allowed to take out student loans. Find a school you can afford on this budget.”

      1. Not allowed to take out loans? That’s somewhat outrageous for the average person, though I can see the OP has a large amount to offer their kid.

        If the kid needs to take out loans to go to a top tier school, and they have good habits, facilitate that.

        1. We had a similar budget and told our kid that if she wanted our money she would not take out loans. Thanks to a merit scholarship, she will graduate debt-free from a lovely private college. It’s not Stanford, but it’s probably a better fit for her anyway. Her other affordable choice was the honors program at a prestigious state university, which is one of the most expensive public schools in the country. Not too shabby.

          We took out loans so I could attend law school. I didn’t want to sell my soul and my daughter’s childhood to Big Law, so those loans took 10 years of scrimping and saving to repay. They are why we now can’t afford to fully fund a top private college at $90K+ per year, and they held us back financially in many other ways. And the total amount of those loans was much less than my daughter would have had to take out to pay full freight at a private college. She will probably graduate into a devastated economy and a very tight job market, so not saddling her with debt seems like the right decision.

        2. I think no loans at all is absurd and arbitrary, but I wouldn’t want a kid taking on $200k of debt even for Harvard. It’s not worth it for undergrad when they can have basically the same opportunities coming out of a good state school or a less slightly less selective private school where they can get merit aid.

          1. Kids themselves can typically only take out $5500 in Fed loans freshman year and slightly more each of the other years. The rest need to be in the parent’s name.

        3. We’ve discussed the ROI on degrees with my kids already. Would I let them take out loans to go to Harvard/MIT/Stanford/Yale and study something in STEM/business? Yes. Would I let them take out loans to study film at a non-accredited school tiny liberal arts school because of vibes? No.
          There is nuance around the relative value of the type of degree/how well the school sets you up with a powerful alumni network.

      2. just so i’m clear… are you saying $150k in a 529 as a freshman is a limited amount and thus they need to be choosy?

        or it’s a sufficient amount that they can be choosy and probably won’t need to borrow more and thus shouldn’t unless it’s a dream school?

        i would hope they would grow from there

        1. $150K in a 529 as a freshman in high school isn’t going to grow to the $360K required for private college in the next four years. They will need to go to state school (~$45K per year here now for the good ones) or get merit scholarships.

    2. I’m not a parent, but I think the way my parents handled this served me well.

      My dad handled the bigger finances in our family, so he put a certain amount of money into stocks and bonds for us. Each quarter, he showed us the statements of how much money was in each account. When we were very little, he just explained that there’s investments that generally grow over time. As we got older, he instituted a matching policy, where he’d match any money we wanted to put in from our allowance, birthday gifts, etc. He gave more sophisticated explanations on the statements each quarter, and answered our questions.

      My sister and I dedicated quite a bit of our allowance and job money to the accounts, and asked a ton of questions about what he chose, why, how the account was performing, etc. My brother gave very little to matching and asked few questions about account performance.

      When we graduated from college, he gave us the accounts, free and clear.

      We also had increasingly mature discussions about general budget management, balancing a checkbook (physically, since online banking wasn’t a thing), saving (we had the option to put our savings in the investment account, in our bank accounts, or in cash in our room).

      My parents generally talked to us about money, including if/how much they would pay for college, wedding budget expectations, and big purchases like cars. The two areas we didn’t really talk about were health insurance/doctor’s bills and credit cards. My dad helped me handle those when I moved out, but I felt overwhelmed and under-educated about those two areas, compared to my budget skills and understanding of investing, compound growth, etc.

    3. I told my kids about their 529s always, like it was just a fact of life. We were targeting in state tuition, room and board for them, and hit that target right on time for each of them. They always knew that if they needed more than that for college, it would need to come from scholarships or loans, and we talked to them a lot about debt and how it can really be hard to get out from under it.

      We’ve just always been an open book with them. One is finished with college and working now, and the second is two quarters away from graduation.

    4. My kid is 7 so while she’s vaguely aware she has college savings, she doesn’t know or need to know any details. But I consider that *our* money that we are choosing to spend on her college. Not her money. The only money she has is her allowance + birthday money, which is currently a whopping $88 (she saved up in preparation for a Disney cruise :))

      1. I also have a 7-year old, and I think of it the same way. I think the first time he asked me about saving money was when he was 4 (because a farmer saves up to buy a tractor in a Richard Scarry book, I believe), and I said that we were saving for things like him to go to college, for all of us to go on trips, and to fix some things in our house. And now we talk about how we earn/save/budget/invest money pretty regularly. But in my mind, while the 529 is a tax-advantaged vehicle for saving towards his education, it’s still our money. I’m planning to fully fund his education whether that’s with the 529, other savings, and/or regular cash flow, but I’m the one paying – it’s not his money that he’s going to spend, if that makes sense.

        1. Exactly – it’s not hers to do whatever she wants with. She can’t blow it all on clothes or even buy a house with it, although we’d consider helping with a down payment down the line if we were in a financial position to do that. It’s not even unrestricted as far as college goes. We’ll let her take the lead on where to apply, but it’s not without limits. For example,we’re not inclined to pay for an expensive private school that is noticeably weaker academically than our strong state flagship school.

    5. My kids’s accounts are technically mine. One might not go straight to college or start at CC. One might get into med school. I have flexibility to reallocate, including to me.

    6. Follow up Q – if we’re ok with spending beyond the 529, does it even matter or is it worth speaking about? We maxed the 529 to the extent of the state deduction with the tacit understanding that it’s better to save in more flexible accounts.

      1. I think it’s definitely worth speaking about money in concrete terms with teenagers. Parents do them no favors by keeping everything hush-hush and therefore sending them into the world with no concept of budgeting, what things cost, etc. I would tell the kid what you have in the 529 and how much more you are willing to spend; total up that budget, and use it to guide the college search

      2. For middle school kids and younger, no. When they start actually looking at colleges I agree with the above poster about being upfront about the total budget and letting that guide the search.

  6. Looking for advice re: personal email services. I lose things in Gmail’s interface. My paid yahoo account gets a ton of red-wing spam now despite all my “unsubscribe” requests.

    I don’t mind paying for an email account, but I want it to be usable. Basically like my Outlook account at work. Do I sign up for a personal account with Microsoft?

    1. You can use a separate client to access your gmail account, ig you don’t like the interface.

    3. I buy Microsoft 365 and use Outlook plus Word, etc. I prefer Outlook as my mail system.

  7. Any advice for being an effective contributor while dealing with micromanagement? I technically have two layers of supervisors, but the reality is that Big Boss approves any decision of consequence. On paper, I have projects that I’m nominally responsible for (e.g., I’m presented by management to others as the key point of contact, I’m responsible for any deliverables) but as a practical matter, I can’t do much of anything without pre-approval.

    About a year ago, I decided to focus my role on providing recommendations. If there’s a decision that needs to be made, I send an email up the chain that describes the action and outlines my views. Or if there’s a document that needs to be revised, I’ll send over a redline with a suggested approach. But it’s not clear that anyone engages with my recommendations in a meaningful way. I’d kind of like to pare back those efforts, but I’m not sure how it’ll be received by others.

    Tl;dr — management is insistent that I’m not a potted plant but treats me like one. Should I indeed start acting like a potted plant?

    1. Can you give negative notice to move the ball forward? Hey boss this thing needs to be done, I’ll do X by tomorrow at noon unless I hear otherwise from you.

      1. One of the odd features of this job is that he’s really quite smart and efficient, and so the micromanaging doesn’t create traffic jams like it might in other settings. If I sent that email, I would promptly receive a call with instructions for what to do next, usually without any reference to whatever I had recommended.

  8. What’s a good medium sized casual lightweight purse with lots of pockets? I’d like a dark outside but light inside so I don’t lose things in the darkness.

  9. Curious how or if others in large firms address this. I’ve been tapped for a couple of cases with rates that are less than half my rack rate – often insurance related. My realization rate matters for my compensation. I’m a non equity partner, but even some equity partners end up doing work for these matters that are billing ridiculously low rates.

    I guess I don’t understand why the firm keeps these clients and why we can’t say no, my rate is 3x what your client will pay, so find another lawyer. I especially don’t understand why, if we can’t say no, we nevertheless get penalized for being a team player. Other than just being “too busy” for this work, is there a way to successfully avoid these matters?

    2. Are the clients ones you work for otherwise? We rep a few big clients on business/other matters, but if they get sued for something insurance will cover, insurance will only pay the smaller rate. We generally keep these cases to keep the client happy. If these aren’t your clients, I’d just try to get staffed on other matters. If they’re clients you want to otherwise work for, I’m not sure there is anything else you can do other than negotiate the rate with the insurance company.

  10. In my job, I frequently speak with, though only occasionally actually see, a middle-aged woman in another department. I like this woman a lot, mainly because she is always extremely friendly and grateful when I can answer her questions. I was just on a video conference with her, and couldn’t help but notice she was wearing a knit cap (it’s quite warm here today) which covered any hair and looked like she had lost a bit of weight. In other words, she looks like a cancer patient.

    Part of me wants to reach out (privately) and give some well wishes, but part of me says leave it alone. I’m generally really bad about reaching out to people, and I’ve been trying to be better, and she really is just so nice. But I don’t want to intrude. I know the internet tends to tell people to myob, but I am finding as I get older that that’s not always the best, as people do want to know people care. Obviously I could be wrong, but it seems pretty clear something is going on. WWYD?

    1. I think I would ask one of her closer co-workers how she prefers to handle it.

    2. You sound so nice. Just reaching out to say “hi, how is life going these days” … maybe next time you chat for work? Do you always work from home? Could you ever have lunch/coffee some time?

      We have become too much a world of short texts, ghosting, avoiding hard things. It is very generous of you to think of her.

      1. I agree with this approach. Fwiw – I did exactly this about a year ago when I thought based on some clues that someone I knew but not very well but really liked might be going through something similar. And it turned out that I misread the situation and she was actually okay, but I’m still really glad that I reached out in a nonspecific way because we got coffee and ended up becoming actual friends.

      2. You do sound nice and thoughtful. I agree that people want to know that people care. And if she is in treatment, it could be a lonely time in her life.
        If there is someone closer to her at the office who you could reach out to to get some information first, I’d do that – and then reach out to this woman and say you heard she is in treatment for XYZ and, if she’s up to it, you’d enjoy seeing her for coffee/lunch and/or could you drop off a meal to her. If there isn’t someone to ask, then I think I’d send a message to her along the lines of “hey, we haven’t caught up lately, and I always enjoy our chats. Let me know if you’re free for coffee/lunch sometime in the next few weeks.” Let her then lead the conversation from there about whether she wants to say what’s going on in her life.
        I’ve personally found that the hardest times in my life become the most lonely. And, in those times, I’d appreciate someone like you making contact in this way.

        1. I like this approach. And I also agree that the signs might be wrong. Years ago, my very skinny ex-H needed meniscus surgery and the idea of going under anesthesia gave him the nudge to finally agree to get his will and other papers signed. On the way to the hospital, we dropped in at the credit union to get everything signed and notarized. He was wearing very baggy clothes (because knee surgery), as well as a bandana on his balding/shaved head )because it was cold). Everyone was VERY helpful and sympathetic, and made a point of wishing him the best; after we left we realized they thought he was a cancer patient.

    3. Leave it alone. Alopecia can cause harmless hair loss and maybe she lost weight intentionally.

    4. I would certainly not reach out assuming she has cancer when she very well might not, but if you generally want to strike up a friendship you could do that…

  11. Question for the hive: a close friend was laid off 18 months ago from a well remunerated role. She has applied for several hundred roles, interviewed at around 15, and doesn’t have any offers yet. Last week she had an interview that she said went well, other than a question which threw her. The interviewer spoke about his own children, then asked her about her family. She has a 8, 11 and 13 year old and is a single mom. I think she overshared by admitting to having children, but I don’t know how I would have answered that question differently in her shoes. Two questions: 1) how do you answer questions like that? and 2) what do people do when they are at the end of their emergency fund and have 3 young children and an ex spouse who pays minimal child support?

    1. I think it’s not legal for them to ask you if you have kids. But if they ask a leading question and you volunteer the information, that’s perfectly allowed. I would suggest being circumspect since they cannot make you reveal your family situation.

      1. They are not legally prohibited from asking, but they can’t consider the information in their hiring decision. As a result, most places don’t ask.

  12. Anyone up for vicarious shopping? My former interns are getting married in march (in bay area, cocktail style attire). Size 14-16, more pear shaped than anything. Looking for something fun that my middle aged self wouldn’t look silly in.

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