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Until recently, I hadn't needed to buy a hamper in a long time. My husband I use an antique steamer trunk like this one for our dirty clothes, but a few months ago it was time to replace my son's hamper. After some Amazon searches, we found this slim, compact one that fits well in the available space. (This random brand makes both hampers and … fans. As you do.)
One handy feature of this hamper is the removable mesh laundry bag inside — no need to take time filling a bag on laundry day, because this one will already be filled! And if you want to avoid sorting your laundry all at once, consider getting a pair of these so you can sort items daily.
I must say this hamper is a little tricky to assemble, though when you figure it out, it's simple. (Don't worry, nothing IKEA-level here! My 13-year-old put it together.) There are some tips in the Amazon reviews if you need help. Also note that it's hard to judge the sizes online, so make sure to read the dimensions and measure your space.
This hamper is under $25 at Amazon for the smallest size and available in five colors, depending on size. (The pictured “blue-gray” is more blue in person.)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anon
I’ve realized I have a tendency to fixate on other people’s relationships. This is sometimes benign, like just being interested in people’s stories about falling in love or how they navigate conflict. But other times, especially in relationships where I feel like one partner is ‘bad’ in some way, I feel like I almost compulsively check in for updates on social media to see if they’ve broken up yet or overanalyze things they’ve told me about their relationship. A couple of examples would be: 1) my former best friend, whose awful boyfriend brought upon the demise of our friendship (he hit on me and she cut me out rather than break up with him and 2) a guy who I dated briefly years ago who wound up having a longterm girlfriend (they are still together). There are others though, some of whom haven’t personally hurt me, but where the male partner has done something I think of as bad, and I have a feeling of being overly-interested in whether their relationship is working or will blow up. I’ve worked through a lot of unresolved baggage in therapy I had around the idea that “men are bad,” and I have a wonderful and trusting relationship with my partner. But this weird fixation with other people’s relationships, especially when I think a male partner is problematic in some way, feels like a vestige of that. Or perhaps something else. Has anyone else struggled with something similar, or even just a tendency to be gossipy and drama-oriented? How do you move away from caring about other people’s lives? I want to be less gossipy and get less of a thrill from information about other people.
Vicky Austin
So I think we all do this with celebrities, the royals, characters in books, etc. Maybe you can look for narratives in those arenas that scratch this itch for you?
Anonymous
Um…not all of us, lol.
anon
Then why bother to comment if you aren’t offering help/insight?
Anon
She wants to let us all know she is superior to those who enjoy tabloid fodder. She is surely very fun at parties – people greatly prefer smugness and sanctimony to gossip :)
Anonymous
3:40, we clearly go to different parties. I will say, though, that it’s interesting you went with ‘she wants us all to know she is superior’ when all I did was point out that no, we don’t all do this.
Anon
Not the Anon above, just someone who finds it irritating when people project their own issues onto everyone. I know what my vices are and I try very hard to not assume that everyone else has them; that’s unfair to people who conquered demons that I fight with daily.
Anon
Same. Speak for yourself, Vicky.
Vicky Austin
Alright, not every SINGLE person. I just meant it seems like a normal human impulse to me.
anon
I think that is a great idea.
We would all do better by getting off social media and reading more.
Anon
What, that’s like the opposite of what she said.
Ellen
I think Vicki is on to something. I often project my own situation on to those of celebreties, thinking that they should be more nimble in dealing with situations where their significant other’s behave in ways that I would not tolerate. So when very pretty actresses find out that their boyfriends are having s-x with other women, and they don’t dump them immediately, I always think back to my own situation where I immediately dismissed men wooing me when I found out they were simulteanaously haveing s-x with other women they claimed were only “freinds”. That never washes with me. I would never have s-x with freiends, even when I drank to much. So when other women give their men a pass and welcome them back into their beds, I get very mad, even tho it has nothing to do with me, b/c I think they are degrading themselves by so doing.
Anonymous
Reframe your thinking by telling yourself it isn’t your business. Unfollow/unfriend on social media, change the subject when the topic comes up, find something you can do when you get the craving for information…
Anon
It sounds like you didn’t get the closure you wanted when these two real-life relationships (friend, long term partner) ended. I’d see if you can do some processing on your own and give yourself the closure you need.
Anonymous
For me, it’s a sign something is missing in my current life. When I’m busy and feeling fulfilled, I’m not as interested. It also helps to take time off of social. If I’m snooping, it’s usually after scrolling significantly. It’s not the first place I go. Recognizing that has helped.
Anon
This tendency, for me, anyway – was totally exacerbated and made unhealthy with access to social media. I deleted all my accounts (not just the apps), but actually deleted all my accounts and had to go through a brief detox period (admittedly, the comments on this site now scratches that itch where I like to hear people’s stories but the fixation is gone bc it is all anonymous).
If you want to get to the root of the issue, for me it is a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder with a diagnosed case of OCD. Probably ADD too, likely, though not diagnosed. It is easier to fixate on other people’s issues that I can’t control than to do work I find difficult or boring, so I literally had to remove the ability to engage in the compulsive behavior.
Anon
Edited bc mod
This tendency, for me, anyway – was totally exacerbated and made unhealthy with access to social media. I deleted all my accounts (not just the apps), but actually deleted all my accounts and had to go through a brief detox period (admi t t edly, the comments on this site now scratches that itch where I like to hear people’s stories but the fixation is gone bc it is all anonymous).
If you want to get to the root of the issue, for me it is a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder with a diagnosed case of OCD. Probably ADD too, likely, though not diagnosed. It is easier to fixate on other people’s issues that I can’t control than to do work I find difficult or boring, so I literally had to remove the ability to engage in the compulsive behavior.
Anon
There are two wildly divergent reasons that I see for this.
Most obvious: a need for gossip or drama. Sorry to be blunt – it’s not it meant as an attack on you! But that’s what it is for many people. Solution? Literally a hobby, any hobby, to take up some of that spare mental energy.
Not so obvious: the need to prove your intuition correct.
I have really, really good intuition about people. Usually, noticing that someone is a bad person is just as easy as noticing if they have brown hair or are short or tall. Often, I’ll get a lot of pushback from people who want to believe the best in others (a really loving and emotionally generous trait to have!), who eventually get burned anywhere from months to years later.
Sometimes, the pushback is so uniform and strong that I think I’m going crazy. In those circumstances, I have found myself “checking up” on people on social media. Invariably, the result is the same: I was right and it sucked to be right.
Over time, that need to “check up” subsided because I grew a lot more confident in my assessments, and a lot more comfortable in telling mutual friends or family to agree to disagree with me about it (and stop trying to make me like that person, please).
Food for thought. Please don’t flame.
Anon
OP here – I think this is exactly what it is! It happens both when I was wronged by someone but others seem to think that person is fine, or when I know someone is a bad person but others think I’m being judgmental. I am inspired by your comment about becoming more confident in your assessments and not needing to prove it right to other people…
Anon
I totally get this! And I honestly just enjoy stories about other people sometimes. (I read a lot and have other hobbies, for those who are concerned)
Sometimes I scratch the itch by doing something like reading AITA or listening to the Normal Gossip podcast. There are also some TikToks that share small town gossip. Those feel like healthier diversions for me than looking up people I know.
Former Junior Associate
Worried this will sound like I’m challenging you, but I promise I’m not–just really curious! Have you ever been wrong in your intuition that someone is a “bad” person? Has someone about whom you’ve not had that intuition ever surprised you with bad behavior?
Anon
Sure! I will sometimes “miss” bad people but my instant “oh bleep hell to the NO on this person” has never been wrong.
It’s things like… I went with a now-ex to his extended family’s event. I had a very weird feeling, during benign conversation over dinner, that someone there had done something really bad and was ingratiating himself with the group. I thought, “what happened, did he scam Granny out of her life savings?”
I felt like the world’s biggest jerk. Sure he rubbed me the wrong way and had been a bit high and mighty with me, but that’s an awful thing to believe. “It just popped into my head” isn’t an excuse either. Cue epic self-flagellation.
He did, in fact, scam Granny and screw his siblings. It caused a big mess and some extended family refused to be around him a decade later.
Anonymous
This is me, I’m such a good judge of character everyone I hate inevitably burns up in a giant scandal. It’s very validating to be right but also super frustrating when people insist I’m wrong. I use all my self restraint to not say I told you so.
Anon
Commiseration.
Anon
You guys also don’t sound like particularly wonderful people. But I bet your magic intuition doesn’t tell you that.
Anonymous
Yes I’m such a bad person because my colleague who gave me the heebie jeebies ended up being a child diddler. He’s in jail now.
Anon
Not to put too fine a point on it, your statement is wildly hypocritical.
Anon
To be clear, I’m the Anon at 8:58 am, responding to the Anon at 3:38 am. It’s wildly hypocritical to attack two people out of nowhere and call them bad people.
Reality is, some people are deeply uncomfortable with people who have good character judgement. This happens for reasons from the benign (they don’t, so they feel like maybe they are doing something wrong) to not benign (they are good at conning people, and part of that con requires getting people to not listen to their friends who raise red flags).
Anonymous
I think eventually I just got so tired of feeling invested in friends’ bad decisions that I can’t do anything about. I distance myself from friends who are perpetually unhappy. I resist the urge to follow up with other friends or social media. This is a learned behavior for me; my mother and grandmother were both extremely nosey gossips. Every conversation with my mother is her asking probing questions about me or other people – and the only way to deflect the questions about me is to get her talking about other people. It’s really sad, actually. She and I don’t have anything in common – she doesn’t have any interests at all outside of judging others. It’s really sad and it’s not the kind of person I want to be.
Anon
I think you have to change your perspective a bit. Other people have the right to make bad and good choices for themselves, it’s their journey and it might include some pain. Their life choices are not “I told you so” opportunities. People are complex, respect their right to make their choices, they are as valid as your “right” choices.
Anon-na-nah
No help to you, but maybe solidarity. I watch couples I know on SM that seem like they are in trouble. I call it “divorce watch.”
I am interested in your therapy journey regarding a “men are bad” attitude. I often find myself thinking similarly, but never thought it affected my relationships. Maybe I should be talking through this with someone, though.
Anon
Eh, I love gossip. As long as you’re not being harmful to anyone, I don’t see anything the matter with wanting to know what happened to people.
Dee2
Could it mean involved in the school volunteer leadership committees? That’s what I would take from it, that one or both parents are involved enough for that judgment to be noticed and spoken outloud
Dee2
Nesting fail yikes
anon
My rising kindergartner was recently admitted to a private kindergarten and we went to an open house. A number of people we met described fellow parents as a “good family” — as in, little Timmy is such a sweet kid, and the Smiths are a good family. Is this code for something or am I overthinking it? Neither DH or I grew up in the private school world and I don’t know if this is geniune niceness (DH’s interpretation) or somehow a signal that it’s a traditionally nuclear family, or maybe SAHM? There was one same-sex couple out of about 2 dozen but it’s really hard to get a sense of the overall community vibe from just 1-2 events. (we haven’t ruled out public, don’t need to hear arguments in favor of that – just this one little aspect that’s niggling at me.)
Anon
It’s hard to say (which you obviously already know). On one hand, it could definitely be class-coding (wherein “good” means generationally wealthy) or it could be ideology-coding (wherein “good” means normative in some traditional way). But it could definitely simply mean that they’re a family of nice people. I wonder if it says more about the people who were making the claim than about the families they were talking about?
I know this isn’t giving you any real answers — sorry. If you like the school, then I’d stick with it and you can reassess at the end of kindergarten.
marise
I’d reserve judgment and just consider it “data” to be stored away for the future. It could be completely benign or it could be indicative of something. Sometimes, those who are pointing out “good families” and extolling their own parental virtues are the ones who end up with tragic family drama. By the way, you will likely find all sorts of people in this type of environment. Some may be closed-minded, whereas others, less so. I found this to be true in my kids’ public school environment as well. Find the people you wish to bond with and make sure your child is happy and in a positive environment.
Anon
It is code for something, but I’m sure the real meaning has a lot to do with geography and socioeconomic class.
In my area, this would mean that the family goes to one of a handful of “respectable” churches, has an upper middle class income, and probably has ties to prominent members of the community. I would assume that it means generational wealth at the very least. But in some areas it might also have to do with political ideology, depending on the speaker.
NYCer
My kids go to private school, and tbh, I think people just throw that term around without much weight behind it. In my experience, it is another way of saying “oh they are nice people.” YMMV.
Anon
It’s a little weird. I think I would generally say “nice family” as a benign comment that people are friendly and easy to get along with or something similarly superficially positive. No clue what would make a family “good” in the current world.
Anon
I went to private school, and that would have just meant their family is kind, emotionally stable (no divorce, infidelity, noticeable conflict or tension between the parents), and is engaged with the school (volunteering, showing up to community events).
Anon
In my experience, whether this type of phrase is code for anything (and if so, what) is entirely dependent on the speaker. Some use it to mean something benignly nice, some to mean something grossly judgemental, others just use it as pleasant, space-filling nothingness.
Cat
I take that to mean – kind, community oriented, clearly focusing on raising a kid who will be a productive member of society (valuing education and friendship, etc), as opposed to being showy or ‘boys will be boys’ types.
Anonymous
In my world, this would mean “all of the members of the family show up at school functions and are nice/polite/reasonably social; at least one of the parents is a committed school volunteer.”
Anonymous
This. I am pretty sure we are not labeled a “good” family because I refuse to have anything to do with the PTA or the booster club. I pay my fees and get my kid to events and sit in the audience and that’s all I’m going to do because that school is a hot mess. I use my limited time and energy volunteering where it’s actually productive.
Anon
Same. I think there are many contexts in which “good” means “useful to the speaker”! I don’t really have a problem with it if it’s kind of conveying that they’re involved, may come up again, may be useful to me too, etc., but I’m sure I’m “good” in some spheres of my life and not in others.
Anon
In some conservative circles, it means parents who are married to each other, on their first marriage each, go to church, and don’t have issues with abuse, gambling, alcoholism, or chronic unemployment.
I am the messenger on this – not endorsing or condemning this view.
Anonymous
This. In some circles, it’s a way of saying they aren’t trailer trash or “other” in some negative way, with that negative able to mean anything from a religious belief or lifestyle (gross) to trouble with the law.
Anonymous
I would assume it means that they are nice people and their kids aren’t excessively wild, so people are comfortable socializing with them. Like you would not say “oh, they are such a good family” about the family where the dad hits on other moms, or the kids scream and hit people, or the mom is mean and nasty, or there are other reasons to avoid them.
Anon
This.
Nice families don’t bring the drama.
Anon
Where I’m from, it means rich. But I hope that’s not universal.
my people are nordic
Context: my kids go to a religious private school in conservative area that is affluent but Midwestern (i.e. nominally egalitarian where we would be embarrassed to notice generational wealth or status differences).
Here a “good family” means a family you would be happy for your child to marry into – stable family situation, financially responsible, committed to the religion of the school, helpful to the community, nice parents working hard to raise nice kids.
A divorce or other messy family situation, letting your kids have too much screen time or other parenting choices that don’t match the majority, not fulfilling your volunteer hours, not showing up to school events, leaving the religion, or anything else that might indicate that a family is less likely to raise nice, hard-working, well-adjusted, religiously-committed children or be helpful, stable, pleasant in-laws means we would still say “Timmy is such a sweet kid” (because we are Minnesota nice) but not add “and the Smiths are a good family.”
Anonymous
It means the Family is rich. Not just the specific parents. As in generational wealth spanning back centuries or at least decades.
Anonymous
Oh. This hamper may have just solved an issue in my house! Definitely going to check it out.
Anon
I could use some wise counsel here. Do any of you have friendships you find exhausting? This is the second time in recent years I’ve been in this situation. This time an old friend got back in touch with me and has been asking to get together. She has been through an objectively hard time. I feel terrible for her. You all would feel terrible for her. Since this autumn we’ve gotten together several times at her request, the most recent time being this weekend. We had a long lunch and the entire time I was just itching to leave. I feel terrible just typing it out.
The truth is I don’t think she gives a rat’s ass about me or about her friendship with me. I think she is lonely. I want to help, but at the same time I also know that I can’t fix it. So I’m trying to “be there” for her, but I also find physically being there somewhat miserable.
We weren’t even that close of friends before we lost touch with each other. I think she is relying on me for company but … I don’t know what to do. I just viscerally don’t want to do it. I know I’m going straight to hell because what has put her in her current situation really is awful. What would you do?
Anon
My gut instinct is always that relationships and friendships should be for fun and for free. Which means that you don’t hang out with someone for a purpose other than that you enjoy their company and feel good about it. It shouldn’t be work or out of guilt or shame. So, in general, I decline social outings that I know will drain me or that I will be doing out of guilt.
But, my stance may change depending on the severity of what the person’s going through. In the case of physical abuse, for example, I’d want to stay in the person’s life and offer support, even if it isn’t someone I’m enjoying spending time with. What is your friend dealing with? Is it something where she’s in danger if you are not present for her?
Anon
So if someone you are normally having fun hanging out with is going through something, you don’t hang out with them until it’s over? Taking my friend to her chemo appointments drains me, but I do it anyway, in honor of the good times we’ve had over the past 30 years.
Anon
Obviously not. This is referring to how to gauge if you want to invest in a new friendship. I wouldn’t choose to spend a lot of time with someone I didn’t know that well who makes me feel bad when we meet. Obviously I show up for the difficult moments for the friends and family I already have and care about.
Anonymous
You said “the truth is, I don’t think she gives a rat’s ass about me or about her friendship with me”.
You have no obligation to be what she wants you to be regardless of what put her in her current situation. You are not going straight to hell. All of your instincts are screaming at you to back away from her, trust them.
Anon
Listen to your body, which is telling you that this isn’t good for you. You don’t need to feel terrible about this, even if her trauma is awful.
anon
Assuming that this is a good person going through a hard time, I would focus on going somewhere and doing something rather than festering in thought patterns over a long lunch. The festering is what I feel exhausted by. Some ideas, can you go go-kart racing with a group of your friends? Or, all go to an arcade? What about a random class – lots of cities have stuff like a girls night cake decorating. Some form of activity to break up the talking and find new topics of conversation. I’d also try to invite some other people with hopes of expanding her circle of friends.
anon
+1
These are great ideas.
OP, I really sympathize, and unfortunately found myself in the role of your friend recently. It really taught me about what my friends need/can tolerate, and the level of our friendship. Most of them are fairly superficial friends, and it is ok if that is what you want this friend to be.
The time of life when you suffer a lot of loss/illness, if your friends are still young and can’t relate, can be very difficult. It is a very lonely time, when/if your friends think friends are just “for fun and for free…”. Sometimes being a friend is about caring and support, as you might need the same someday.
I would encourage your friend to reach out to a support group if she needs one, and start joining some sort of class/new activity etc… And I love the suggestion of trying to include her on a few outings with other people to help expand her friend group. That would be really kind.
Anonymous
It helps me to define, for myself, what the relationship actually is. It sounds like you’re in a caring relationship (or a helper relationship, mentoring relationship, quasi-therapy relationship, etc.), but not a friendship. To me, a friendship is give-and-take between peers. It’s not solely focused on one person helping or being there for the other–which is what you’re describing.
In the past, did you have a give-and-take friendship where both of you were there for the other and relied on the other and enjoyed the other? If so, do you think there’s a chance that kind of relationship can emerge again after this phase is over?
Or, in the past, was it always one-sided, where she had Troubles and you helped her with those troubles (listening, being there, commiserating, etc.)? If so, are you up for being a therapy/helper person again?
Anon
A friend you lost touch with suddenly reappears and reaches out to you because she knows you are a kind person and will listen to her talk about herself and her problems endlessly and ask for nothing in return. I’m sure she is going through a difficult time, and I am sure you have tried to help by giving her the info for orgs that can help her, or maybe the phone number for a therapist. As you said, you can’t fix her situation, only she can. When you feel drained by a friendship it means you haven’t set appropriate boundaries. If she reaches out again for a lunch date, or if she sends you a long string of texts about her issues and is looking for sympathy, you need to let her know you’re busy and won’t be able to meet up/chat. If you decline enough times she will hopefully get the hint.
Sunshine
She doesn’t sound like she is now or ever has been an actual friend. She sounds like an acquaintance who wants more from you right now because she needs companionship. I also would have trouble just cutting her off based on these facts. Instead, I would offer to meet her for a coffee or a walk, which lasts about 60 minutes, and I would tell her at the beginning that you have to leave at a specific time (again, about 60 minutes after you meet) because you have something else scheduled. I would then stretch out the time between when you get together. If she wants to get together next week, tell her you’re available on April 5. Keep it short and infrequent if you decide to keep seeing her.
Anon
For friendships that had a strong foundation in advance, there is NO worse feeling than being abandoned by your friends during a time of need – especially if you were there for them during their hard times. I know way too many people who lost friends after being diagnosed with cancer, for example. OP, it doesn’t sound like your friendship had a strong foundation. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do in the future.
Anon
You haven’t really said what makes you feel like she doesn’t care about you or the friendship. If her situation is bad and her needs are unmet, it may just be human nature to reach out but that doesn’t mean these get togethers are really meeting a need. If you feel this way, I kind of doubt that it’s working (and she may be mortified to know you feel this way, if she in fact cares).
I’ve seen people become incredibly focused on their own problems when going through a crisis. I think it’s a kind of survival mode, though not everyone does this. It looks like being self-centered, but it’s not always people who are generally self centered who do this. I think it’s just what it looks like when someone is kind of drowning.
Anon
I have two people who are in my life sporadically, both of whom have awful lives caused by circumstances outside of their control. Both exhaust me, but I feel they are in true need and I have some sense of obligation stemming from history and overlapping circles. My approach is to meet occasionally but under circumstances where I am not alone with the person and where I get some benefit. So I might say, join me for this hiking group, leaving from x at y time, or I am going to a lecture at the library, etc. These are things I would do and enjoy anyway, so I throw out the invitation. Sometimes it lands and sometimes it doesn’t.
anon
That is a really good approach.
Anonymous
Can you do an activity together? Sitting across a table from someone who’s complaining about her life isn’t fun. But going to a yoga class or new art installation or axe throwing might be fun!
Anon
You can even phrase it as “you know, I feel bad that your ___ struggle has been so heavy. You want to blow off some steam and just be silly for a while? Let’s do a wine and paint night on Thursday.”
anon
Yeah, but how much of a friend are you really being if you aren’t willing to listen to the other person? How would you like it if someone told you they liked you so long as you never spoke?
Anon
Looking for advice on virtual assistants. I have someone who offers virtual administrative and secretarial work for a about 10 hours a week and a flat fee. I am still having to print out letters to inmates and subpoenas for deposition and go to the post office. I want to pay her to do that but not sure how to handle her printing costs. I can provide her with envelopes and label, paper, etc. and reimburse for stamps. Do you just pay a set amount per page to cover ink costs?
ALT
HP has a monthly ink subscription where you pay for ink based on the number of pages you print. Can you buy her a HP printer and then subscribe to that? Or if you want a toner-based printer (laser jet?), can you buy her a printer and pay for the toner?
Anon
Oh, that sounds like an interesting idea! I will check it out. I don’t want to be bogged down with her having to count pages to get her costs covered.
Anon
I’m a small business owner and an HP ink and paper subscriber. You can subscribe to both. They mail you new ink and new paper when you need it. It’s a huge convenience for me and not expensive at all.
Anonymous
There are websites that offer this service. Maybe check what they charge and base your pay off that?
Anon
Can you really send such documentation to a non-employee to work on, where you don’t have control over the work environment?
Anon
I commented a couple of months (?) ago about getting a recommendation for a law firm around L.A. – I have a friend with a bad actor trustee (friend is a beneficiary of trust). I cannot for the life of me find it – can I get that recommendation again, or any others? Thank you!
Anon
(OP) To clarify, friend may need to sue trustee but would like to explore options, and is looking for a law firm to help with this process.
Anonymous
Not the original poster, but Jeryll Cohen @ Saul Ewing LLP in LA
Anon
Mark MacCarley in Glendale
Anon
Thank you!
Anonymous
I’m looking for some validation, I guess. I have a daughter just finishing up 8th grade at a private school. She has decided, and we are supporting her in the decision, to go to our local public high school rather than a private school. I truly believe this is the right decision for her.
But now that we’re in March, all of her friends and my friends with same-aged kids are announcing their private school admissions, and I’m feeling this tremendous sense of guilt that I am not sending her to a fancy private school. My friends’ kids are going to Harvard Westlake and CPS and Sidwell Friends – really impressive high schools. It’s hard not to feel like I’m doing something wrong by failing to give her these same opportunities.
Writing this makes me feel silly. My kid is amazing. She knows her own mind. But I just feel like I’m being a bad parent by not fighting for these fancy private schools and giving her those opportunities.
Cat
Eh, I was in college with alums of those schools, and they didn’t seem better prepared than I did (good public HS grad) at our Ivy at anything other than sourcing booze.
Anon
Same. The kids in my city go to good schools and do well same as kids who have $$$ private school educations. At some point, the kid has to show up and do their own work. And the kids who don’t, don’t, and no school can fix that unless the kid wants to fix that.
Anonymous
The private school kids might not be better prepared for college than graduates of elite public magnet schools, but they have a much better chance of getting in to fancy colleges and getting fancy internships than public school kids. And most public high schools these days do not actually prepare kids for college. My daughter is about to graduate from a public IB program and I am truly appalled at how little she has been taught. And only the IB kids in this school ever read an actual book or write an actual essay. The rest are receiving no education at all.
Anonymous
I’m sorry your daughter isn’t in a good school but I assure you excellent public schools exist.
Anon
Is that really true? I know college admissions has changed but when I went I think it was actually easier to get in from a public school because us public school kids were “diversity.” More kids from private schools attend Ivies, to be sure, but other factors like legacies, donations and test scores are closely correlated with private schools. Is there data that shows when you control for all these factors that it’s actually easier to get in from private schools?
Seventh Sister
I don’t know if it was easier to get in from a public school when I applied, but I was probably one of a half-dozen girls who even applied to my alma mater in the five years before I started college. That almost certainly helped my application – most girls from my state went to a half-dozen prep schools in the big city or a couple of pressure-cooker public high schools in ritzy suburbs. My grades and scores were in the target range, but I was “different” in that I went to a school that wasn’t known for sending kids to Ivies and other selective colleges.
Seventh Sister
The only difference I could see at my Seventh Sisters college was that the prep school kids weren’t visibly intimidated by the professors. I got over my shyness after a couple semesters and did just as well as the prep school kids and the kids who had gone to exam schools (Stuyvestant, Lowell, Boston Latin). She’ll be fine and may even stand out as a “big fish” at a public high school.
Anonymous
This is perhaps an early step in the process of recognizing your child as a separate human rather than an appendage of or reflection of you. If you are consistent and successful, that is a gift that will keep on giving to you both.
Senior Attorney
+1
Walnut
Assuming your daughter is excited about her school choice, lean into it. Spend time dreaming with her about clubs she wants to join, activities she might be involved in and all the cool things her new school has to offer. So much of high school is you get out what you put in, so get excited with her about the energy she’ll be investing.
Anon
“But I just feel like I’m being a bad parent by not fighting for these fancy private schools and giving her those opportunities.”
Fighting *how*? Fight… your daughter on this decision?
That’s a terrible thing to do! Many of us were, or know people who were, pushed far too hard by our parents. High school is the worst time for this IMHO: parents ramp up the pressure because college is coming, students go through huge hormonal swings and want to assert their autonomy, and the workload and extracurriculars ramp way up in intensity. If your high achieving high schooler wants to ease off the gas, thank your lucky stars. She has the rest of her life to put the pedal down.
Anon
Hard disagree, this is when parents should push their kids. They haven’t launched yet.
Anonymous
What is more important to you – how your daughter feels about herself and her life choices, or what other people might think about your daughter and her choices? Do your daughter a favor and don’t waste any more of your energy on everyone else’s participation in the rat race
Anon
Hmmm, I might revisit that one, high school is where I’d start to spend money on education.
Anon
It’s a little late now?
The rat race for prestigious colleges and then jobs is tough. Do you have an idea why she’s focused on public school? I switched from private to public mid way and honestly it was because I was having a really lonely time in private school with few friends. But I have never discussed that reason with my parents in the 30 years since. I’m *not* suggesting that is your daughter’s rationale, just that kids aren’t always open with their reasoning.
Anon
If it’s too late for freshman year, probably not sophomore year. Without knowing the public school OPs kid is going to, hard to say if it’s a bad call or not. I just think there’s a time to parent and one of those times is ensuring that your kid is guided well when it comes to education decisions. If the choice is a top ranked public school with a history of sending most graduates to college, then it’s could be just fine. If it’s a mediocre high school without a strong college prep history, I’d step in and say sorry kid, here’s your other options. (I’m also presuming OP has the resources to do this based on the post.)
Anon
I’m in Berkeley. All the private school kids want to go to Berkeley High, our city public high school. My daughter was friends and teammates with a lot of these kids. They all thrived. I do not know of a single one who went back to private. I know a lot of the moms and they were happy with the change too.
The way I think about my kids’ public school experience is that school is about more than book learnin’, as my southern dad would have said. It’s also about learning how to get along and work together with lots of different kinds of people from lots of different backgrounds. That’s the value of diversity.
Anonymous
Your last paragraph is code for “smart motivated kids learn to do all the work and wait around for the rest of the class to stop throwing chairs.”
Anon
Nice racism there. That was not my kids’ experience.
Seventh Sister
My kid attends a very diverse public school and while her friend group is certainly more diverse than mine, it’s heavily middle-class and pretty nerdy (the nerdy part is100% fine by me). She is good at getting along with lots of different people, and as my Southern mom would say, “smart only gets you so far.” While she’s described some of her classes as “a little rowdy,” throwing chairs really stopped in elementary school.
Anon
No one my very prestigious workplace got here because of what type of high school we went to. We have people who went to the local public, local parochial, homeschool, elite private, podunk public, it runs the gamut.
Anon
I will repost on the morning thread but in the meantime: what music are you enjoying lately? I need a fresh playlist. Thanks!